#I’ve certainly never forgotten. idk abt anyone else

[prozac-shaped-urn]

Starting my 9/11 masochism marathon* early this year. It’s July. Might as well.

(I do this every year in September but this year is calling me to it early for some reason. Idk.)

*I watch documentaries and home videos and live tv shows that center around 9/11 for about a week leading up to it

[cesium-sheep]

I feel like I keep circling back to pick at why my experience of being queer doesn’t match with anyone else’s, even my other nd friends. I don’t know why my experience of being neurodivergent is more similar to other peoples’ experiences of being queer than my own actual experience of being queer, and it kind of irritates me because I don’t understand the reason yet and I don’t like not at least having plausible explanations for things. (this time a friend was laughing about the whole “no I’m not queer I’m just a Really Good Ally! [two years later:] wait shit turns out I’m queer” phenomenon)

like, there were certainly times when I did not consider myself part of the queer community, due to being biro ace agender (poly??) (y’know, all those things that are Notoriously Well Loved And Defended By The Queer Community At Large lol) which translated to being an afab person who doesn’t identify as trans and had only dated men because men were the only ones who’d asked (definitely not someone who’d be welcomed with open arms to a Queer Event), so I would just kinda file myself as “ally I guess”. and there were times when I did actually experience stuff like gender dysphoria or people being shitty abt being not-cishet (high school). but all of that is like. external? all of that was how I look or how people treat me or how they treat experiences similar to mine. and there were many years where I didn’t have the specific words for what I was but I didn’t really care? there was no “yes this is it!” when I found a word to my recollection (unlike my experience with being autistic or chronically ill lol), it was always just “ah, that is much faster to explain.”

I’ve sometimes felt like I was doing something wrong by being ace, but that’s again external. that’s ex boyfriends pressuring me into sex or religious ed classes having abstinence campaigns while I sit there thinking “idk it really doesn’t seem that hard.” I may not have always processed my crushes on girls as crushes, but I haven’t always processed my crushes on boys as crushes either. and my gender has always been nothing more than a costume, if I’m not actively putting it on (or having it put upon me) it just straight up doesn’t exist.

I’ve done reading trying to find labels, but it was never a relief or excitement just a shortcut. I’ve even actively looked for a gender to have and found none. even the pronouns I invented for myself aren’t that great.

I don’t know why my experience seems to be so different from everyone else’s. I don’t even know if it wasn’t actually that different and I’ve simply forgotten, because I had a lot of gaps in my memory even before I got sick.

I do at least think this is part of why I like yuri on ice so much, why it feels so calm and comforting even though there are a lot of energetic parts to it. there’s no questioning, no homophobia shoved in my face, no “I’m in love... with a guy?!?”, no “okay but I thought you liked this girl when you were younger, you can’t be gay!”, none of it. the queerness is matter-of-fact. (as is the relationship progression itself, which is also nice. no will-they wont-they, no drastic miscommunications.)

which is really comforting for a lot of people, but especially when your own queerness has also always felt matter-of-fact and no one else seems to have the same experience as you.