#I’ve been waking up at noon every day because I think im depressed or something

[heartoftheancientsea]

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[hey-adaaa]

day 19 of quarantine

others be like: “oh I baked some cake”, “done working out!”, “gonna be the next famous painter”, “yea im now a tiktokerist”, “learning new skills” etc.  

me: *staring at the ceiling*

i’ve lost track of time. can’t even count the number of days i’ve spent in my room, place that once was my safe haven now feels more like a jail, i cannot leave. i can’t remember the last time we had conversations that didn’t involve the pandemic, the government and all the bad news happening in the world and it feels insensitive to discuss about anything else. everything now ruins my sanity. i’m becoming more paranoid. being an empath is really the hardest these days. but i can’t help but feel everything and everyone around me. nights have been my new mornings. sleeping no earlier than 3am and waking up after noon is my new routine. it really feels like i’m doing this whole “quarantine game” wrong for not doing anything, not even accomplishing a simple task, not taking advantage of this given overload free time. the days seem intimidating as they pass by depressingly. but it’s okay to not be okay. most days i feel so empty and inner thoughts have been so loud, i can barely manage. family and friends have always been there but i still feel so disconnected. (now playing: modern loneliness, lauv). most of the time I really feel like a big inconvenience to everyone. i don’t wanna bother them with my own drama. so here’s me trying to pull myself up and reminding myself that it’s okay to not do anything or accomplish something big everyday because having the courage to rise and get out of my bed to eat with my family and talk to my dogs are already something to be proud of in these dark times. 

it just that there are times in a day when you just feel like reminiscing and fantasizing about those days when everything’s normal. i miss normal days like getting late at work because of the traffic, i miss my messy desk in the office. i miss the sound of the busy streets. i miss having dinner with my team after shift. i miss having unplanned dates with my friends. window shopping with renzeh. staying up late with friends at a coffee shop. visiting my friends on weekends. being busy with a lot of things even when it’s depressing. i miss planning events. i miss scheduling travels. i miss cancelling things because i’m already loaded. i miss getting pissed by normal things. i miss having a convo abt random stuff and our own vulnerabilities with just one specific person. i miss every person in my life. i miss everything that makes me feel more human. mostly, i miss myself. i miss living life. (np: changes, lauv)

"in the rush to return to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to”

thinking about this quote, those things i miss are the ones that we never gave importance to back then because it’s normal but time like this is when we realize that those normal things are special to not miss. those are the ones i look forward to the most when we’re finally back to normal, when we’re now allowed to go out without the need of wearing face masks. gonna feel every person in my life without social distancing and no longer just through digital. i’ll live life like everyday is my last day. but for now, let’s settle for what we can only do through social media, i’ll try to reach out more, keep on messaging special people even when i don’t get any reply. i’ll try to stay connected even when i feel so disconnected with myself. pls bare with me. 

if you’re doing well in this lockdown, i’m sincerely happy for you.

but if you’re like me who’s struggling like everyday is a silent battle, just keep on fighting. get a hold of yourself. we can do this. 

i know this will soon pass. let’s live healthy and stay safe. 

love,

A

[01010010-posts]

how would the human and android babes react to their s/o being under the weather? like they don't get out of bed until like 1 p.m don't eat a proper breakfast, and just generally they lock themselves away bc they don't feel like functioning at all. this is what today is for me like and i feel awful bc i should be productive but im just like blehhhh??? sorry for being so specific and ranting:(

!!!! BABYY that’s a mood but don’t!!! i’ve been getting out of bed late too these days & it’s bad!! you don’t get to eat breakfast (also, about this, eat! even if you don’t feel like to! you’ll feel better!) and you’re on very low energy! then you realize that the morning is already over and you feel very bummed out! try to get up at least at 10/11AM, trust me! i know the grind of daily lives demands you to be productive but you don’t have to do ‘productive things’ every day! take it easy! decide if you’re going to study/work/whatever or not right away! if it’s the first make you some tea/coffee and do it! if not just roam around the house, maybe watch a movie, do some craft project, cook even! setting a task is 100% better than spending the day ‘not doing anything because you’re supposed to do something’! heck don’t apologise it’s ok! sorry for the late reply! hope you’re feeling better already!!androids; connor would be,,,, a bit worried. are you sad? what happened?? did he do something wrong?? did someone treat you bad? he gets the concept of a ‘bad day’ but still it’s difficult seeing you so down. he would insist on waking up, eating something light and cuddle with him on the couch until you feel better. do you want to watch tv? read something? just talk about how you’re feeling?? he’s got you!RK900 is annoyed, you’re not allowed to sleep so much just because it’s your day off. he wanted to do spend time with you! he already can’t talk to you the whole night, if he can’t be with you even in the morning that would be very sad! but as soon as he sees your gloomy face he melts & stops being mad and hugs you lots. yes, he’s going to make you a very big breakfast, you don’t want it? you’ll want it. and he’ll kinda push you to at least go out for a little walk (he knows what he’s doing, but if you really don’t feel like it that’s okay too). he’ll bribe you by saying he’ll buy you ice-cream.60!! a concerned baby!!! he doesn’t care if you don’t want to get up today, you two can be lazy together, staying in bed, cuddling under the sheets, him pampering you, maybe the radio is on as a soft background! he doesn’t ask right away, because he guesses you don’t want to talk about it, but probably, in the late afternoon, he’d be glad if you told him what’s on your mind.humans; connor? two messes. he sleeps until noon too or worse since often he spend nights awake. almost sure you wake up before him. and if you go on the couch as to not disturb his weird rest schedule he grabs you by the waist and force you into bed again. he cuddles you, brain still hazy, ‘what is it? you usually kick me out at ten, forcing me to have a meal.’ he kisses your temples tenderly, he knows the sensation, it’s okay to indulge sometimes.60 wakes up very late too if he has gone out the night before, but with you his pattern is all jumbled! either he wakes up at 6AM or at 2PM. so he has all the time to have breakfast, work on cases files, have another snack, getting worried about you, going out to get you your favourite, not like he doesn’t want you to sleep or anything but he has eaten already & doesn’t want to waste it so he gently calls for you, yep, breakfast in bed! he coos in your ears, telling you all about what he’s done in these hours, joking, laughing, but he doesn’t stop tapping his fingers on the mattress, he’s nervous because you’re so torpid today. ‘everything’s all right?’ ‘so and so’ ‘mhh, i understand’ he never leaves your side, cuddling until you feel better.RK900 assumes you’re sick. there’s no other explanation. or well, there is. but he doesn’t want to think of that. just his brothers sleep so much, and he perfectly knows why. he’s up at 7AM. he lets you alone for 2 exact hours. at 9AM he’s on the edge of the bed, caressing your face, waiting gently for you to do something other than humming at his touch. but you’re not hot, so you’re not sick. maybe a headache? mhh. maybe you’re really blue today. he feels incredibly depressed too now. he lies down and holds you close, rocking you lightly, speaking how you’re cute, how much you mean to him, how if you want he’ll prepare you something, whatever, for real, he can go to the nearest 7/11 if the kitchen lacks an ingredient. only, please, cuddle with him and don’t be so unhappy, okay?

[chokememrstark]

Requiem Of Memories // Part 2

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 1847 (Chapter 2 / 15)

Fic Summary: Sam feels awful and hopeless in his new situation, not even a visit from Lucifer can give him any distraction. He's not surprised when the angel tells him that he can't bring him back, it's impossible to bring himself to care for that or the other things Lucifer has to say.

angst, hurt & comfort, alternative universe, au!lucifer, mourning, depression, blood and gore, nightmares, loneliness

Note: I highly recommend to read Nightmares Become Reality before this, otherwise the premise of the story and the setting might not make much sense.

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart  @spnyoucantkeepmedown   @brieflymaximumprincess  @kajuned @archingangel @this-darkness-light @dreamreaded @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway @humongouscandycoffee

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

 The day passed without Sam doing anything. At around noon - at least Sam thought it was noon, there were no clocks in this room - another demon knocked on his door and brought him food, but this time he didn’t talk to her. He waited until she was gone, then got up and inspected the second door of the room, which led to a bathroom as he had expected. After taking care of his human needs, including eating, Sam just laid down again and stared back at the ceiling. It was the beginning of a routine he would know perfectly very soon.

 Sam’s complete numbness lasted, but only during the day. Once it got dark outside - Sam didn’t bother lighting the lamp because he didn’t get up anyway - the memories of what had happened came back and he had no way to hide from them. There was very little sleep and the few hours he got each night were torturous and painful. Most of the time Sam spent pressing his face into the pillow, sobbing and begging for forgiveness from someone who was dead and gone. He couldn’t stop his heart from breaking all over again night after night, a feeling that was so agonizing and destructive that it seemed to affect his mere soul. Every breath felt wrong, every heartbeat like betrayal and there was nothing he could do to ease any of it.

 Lucifer didn’t show up for almost a week, it was always demons who brought Sam food and water and even new clothes from time to time. If he would have wanted, he could have gotten up and left his room - the door was open as far as he knew - but even thinking about that made him feel awful and weak. He couldn’t tell how many demons were there, but he didn’t care for them. As much as they didn’t seem to care for him, judging by the disgusted looks they gave him. When Lucifer finally returned, Sam was once again sitting on the bed, staring into nothingness and lost in his own thoughts.

 The angel took a chair from the table and put it in front of Sam’s bed to sit down, to which the hunter eventually looked up. Lucifer wore a similar black outfit as before, but this one was very torn and Sam noticed dried blood on it too. He didn’t seem to be coming from a fight though. His blue eye was not as piercing and cold as the first time Sam had met him, but he didn’t know if he could be thankful for that or not.

 “I have bad news for you, Sam,” Lucifer began, leaning forward slowly. “There is no way for me to open a portal to your dimension, I’m afraid. It seems like it must be opened by the one who brought you here.”

 “Yeah,” Sam huffed apathetic. “I figured.”

 “I know you don’t want to be here, but I cannot send you back.”

 “I don’t wanna go back,” Sam mumbled and wrapped his arms around his knees, pulling them closer to his body. “I don’t wanna go anywhere.”

 “You can stay here if you want to, with me.”

 Sam slowly looked up, torn between laughing and crying out loud. He could see the angel’s face and he seemed to be honest with his offer, but how could he do that? It felt like he betrayed Lucifer every time he was in the same room with this one, how could he stay? And at the same time, he knew too well what would happen if he refused and left. Whatever he would do, it would end bad, he knew it.

 “You don’t want me here,” Sam eventually said quietly. “I won’t be useful to you.”

 “So?” Lucifer asked and cracked a smirk. “You are not my servant, Sam. You are not my prisoner either.”

 “What am I then?”

 “My guest, if you wish to be,” Lucifer said sincerely.

 “I’m not good company,” Sam muttered and rested his chin on his arms, not knowing what else to say. He felt strange to be invited as a guest by the very Devil himself, especially one that didn’t even know him. Something about this had to be a trap.

 “I know what happened to you was painful and I will not force you to speak or do anything if you are not ready for it. This is your room, no one will enter it if you don’t want them to. If you wish, I can bring you books to pass the time. Until you feel better.”

 “Thank you, really, but I don’t know how I could feel better…” Sam sighed. “I don’t even feel like myself anymore. It’s like I died in there too…”

 “You will again, someday,” Lucifer said quietly and then, out of the blue, reached out with his hand and laid it on Sam’s. The hunter’s eyes snapped open and he pushed himself away so fast he almost hit his head on the wall at the sudden touch. “I apologize,” Lucifer quickly said and pulled his hand back. “I’m not used to comforting others, I didn’t mean to upset you any further.”

 “No, I… I mean you didn’t…” Sam shook his head, a weird knot in his stomach. “You didn’t upset me. I just… don’t wanna be touched. Sorry.”

 “Of course,” Lucifer nodded, a hint of shame on his face. “I know it seems strange that I offer you to stay as my guest, given that I don’t know you and you could be dangerous, but I feel the need to keep you safe. I cannot explain it, but you don’t belong here, you don’t know this world and you would be in danger out there alone. I don’t want to hurt you, I’m serious.”

 “I don’t think you want to hurt me,” Sam said, blushing slightly at those words. He felt a sudden warmth in his guts and he didn’t like it. “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.”

 “Rest, for starters. When you feel better, you can always make new plans. Nothing will harm you here, I have instructed everyone to treat you with respect.”

 “Everyone?” Sam asked surprised. “How many are everyone?”

 “A few,” Lucifer smiled. “We are not many, maybe a hundred loyal servants and me. But this place is as safe as possible, no one can find it and no one can harm you here. I only advise you not to try to escape on your own, you won’t make it far.”

 “Yeah, I’ve been told that already,” Sam huffed. “I won’t try to escape, don’t worry.”

 “Good, I would hate to see you die trying. Now, if you’ll excuse me, duties are calling.” Lucifer stood up and brought the chair back where he took it from before looking at Sam again. “If you need me, just pray to me like you did before. I will hear you, no matter where I am.”

 “Okay,” Sam nodded slowly. “I will.”

 “Whatever it might be worth, I am sorry for your loss, Sam,” Lucifer said, a hand already on the door handle. “No one deserves to go through this.”

 “Thank you,” Sam sighed, the weird warmth in him spreading against his will. “And thank you for taking me in.”

 “Of course,” Lucifer nodded and finally left the room, leaving the human alone once again.

 Sam didn’t know what to think of this. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt so bad for jerking away or where this strange feeling inside of him came from, but it was scary. This was the literal Devil - and not the one he knew, the one who was once capable of feeling and even remorse. This world alone was proof for it! So what on earth was his plan?

 “Maybe he doesn’t have a plan,” Sam mumbled to himself, surprised by his own thought. Could that be?  After all, this Lucifer seemed to be sorry for what happened to Sam, even if it could just be very good acting. But if it wasn’t, maybe he really just wanted to help him.

 Sam sighed and looked out of the window, into the light purple sky. He had absolutely no clue what any of this meant or why he was still alive. If only he could have had more time with Lucifer and didn’t act like a stubborn child that wasted time arguing instead of listening. Now it was too late, he knew that. Lucifer was dead and even though he couldn’t be sure, he knew there was no coming back this time. Just when they started to find their mutual understanding again everything had gone downhill.

 He sat like this for a long time, leaning his head against the wall and watching the sky turn into the darkness it was at night. The cold began creeping into the room, forcing him to wrap the blanket around himself, but other than that he didn’t move at all. There were too many questions, too many answers he would never know now. He never thought things would end like this. All this time he was sure that one day they would be forced to fight each other again and it would end with both of them dead. Now some otherworldly creature had taken Lucifer’s life in complete vain and Sam was left alone, mourning the death of the one being that he was supposed to hate even though he never could.

 It was shortly after the huge, bright moon came into full view of his window that Sam finally drifted away into a dreamless and deep sleep, sliding down the window and wall until he laid completely still in his bed. It was the first night without nightmares haunting him and without waking up in cold sweat with a scream stuck in his throat, but for Sam it was even worse in a way. When he woke up he felt the weight of guilt in his stomach that made him nauseous. Seeing Lucifer die and suffer, without being able to do anything, was torture but at least he saw his face. Now that he didn’t dream at all, the feeling of loss that was eating him alive was worse than ever before.

 Sam covered his face with his hands when the first tears fell, unable to stop them. It wasn’t just loss and grief, those tears were much worse and bitter. Sam finally realized the true meaning of Lucifer’s death and in this moment wished for nothing more than the ground to open and devour him to end this agony. It was all lost, for now until the end of his life. He would never feel whole again, he would never be able to fill the emptiness in his soul without Lucifer. They were created to complete each other, now he was alone and shattered and there was nothing he could do to fix it. No amount of crying and begging and pleading would bring Lucifer back. When this thought overwhelmed him, all he wanted was to die.

[inflagranteinnuendo]

92 Truths

Thanks @writefasttalkevenfaster​ for the tag ;)

LAST…

Drink  -Christine: Sauvignon Blanc (Kenzo, Napa Valley, California 2014) because it’s a dessert wine and i am a sweet mofo -Hun: like drink or ~drink~ because the answer is either water or tequila

Phone Call -Christine: a downtown law firm to enquire about a class action (really.) -Hun: my school’s financial aid office which is a wild ride

Song you listened to -Christine: Most of All, by JMSN -Hun: ocean eyes, by Billie Eilish

Time you cried -Christine: reading When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi -Hun: last night lol

HAVE YOU EVER ____?

Dated someone twice -Christine: yes. don’t do it, kids. -Hun: i literally haven’t even dated anyone once

Been cheated on -Christine: lmao i’d like to see them try and get away with it -Hun: no one has had the opportunity 

Kissed someone and regretted it -Christine: fuck. it was also like a slow realization of what the fuck did i do which i think is worse -Hun: haven’t kissed anyone at all lmao

Lost someone special - Christine: i only have one grandparent left - Hun: I also only have one grandparent left

Been Depressed - Christine: yep - Hun: ahuh

Been drunk and thrown up - Christine: yepppppp unfortunately - Hun: literally me like every 3 days

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

Made a new friend -Christine: yesssss looking at you @writefasttalkevenfaster​ and @mrsrafaelbarba​ and also my hunny bunny - Hun: I made like 50+ doing some stuff at school which was cool and also mi monita (Christine)

Fallen out of love -Christine: yes and it was the best thing that has ever happened - Hun: this tag was meant for someone with a life 

Laughed until you cried -Christine: YES THIS PAST WEEK TWICE - Hun: Earlier in the year back when I hadn’t seen every vine compilation 100 times and they were still fresh to me lmao

Met someone who changed you -Christine: does raul esparza count (havent actually met him in person but my eyes have met him through a screen ok i just decided that esparza counts) - Hun: not really 

Found out who your true friends are -Christine: waddup 2012. turbulent year of back-stabbings  - Hun: definitely.

Found out someone was talking about you -Christine: yes and apparently I’m a cold elitist bitch, go figure. - Hun: actually no not at all but maybe people just aren’t telling me 

GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life? -Christine: two - Hun: none

Do you have any pets? -Christine: no but i want a marimo moss ball - Hun: I have a basset hound!!!! His name is Bandit and he is the Best Boy™️!! 

Do you want to change your name? -Christine: my actual legal name gets butchered a lot but hey, if ppl can say arnold schwarzenegger then ppl can say mine, capice? i ain’t gonna change it for anybody’s lazy ass tongue. -Hun: Hun is actually a preferred name that I very much prefer but not at all professional sounding, so I like that my proper name is there to be ambiguous and will probably look cool on a name plate

What time did you wake up this morning? -Christine: 8:30AM because dis bitch is still on vacation - Hun: I am also on vacation still but I got up at noon lmao

What were you doing last night -Christine: writing this really sad dodds fic and quoting barba’s contrapasso closing argument @writefasttalkevenfaster​ sorry girl if it’s fair then it must be just - Hun: I binged watched a bunch of youtube beauty videos

Name something you cannot wait for  -Christine: to be finally settled into a residency program i actually like and enjoy - Hun: better

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? -Christine: nope - Hun: No actually 

What’s getting on your nerves right now? -Christine: other than my neurotransmitters nothing much - Hun: myself lol

Blood Type -Christine: Coffee+ -Hun: I don’t know but as a really bad anemic person I probably should shouldn’t I

Nickname -Christine: monkey, homicidal monkey in the hat (don’t ask. actually ask @mrsrafaelbarba​ or @writefasttalkevenfaster​) -Hun: bunny, hunny bunny, “hunty” by my sisters

Relationship status -Christine: single -Hun: caballo deprimido

Zodiac -Christine: scorpio -Hun: pisces 

Pronouns -Christine & Hun: she/her

Favorite Show -Christine: do not do this to me. I was into BBC Sherlock for a really long time (hence my @moriartyhiii​ URL) and now i’m into svu (hence this blog) -Hun: SVU of course

College -Christine: University of Depression, campus Crying. -Hun: lmao i go to NYU feel free to stalk 

Hair colour -Christine & Hun: Dark Brown

Do you have a crush on someone? -Christine: nope. haven’t since like 2015. -Hun: pete scallopini 

What do you like about yourself? -Christine: I like that I really know and respect myself  -Hun: ?? idk i’d like to think I’m pretty funny 

FIRSTS

Surgery -Christine: done on me- wisdom teeth removal, done on a patient- 14h bilateral lung transplant -Hun: Sometimes you get cysts and it be like that

Piercing -Christine: ears, circa 2014 -Hun: I got my ears pierced maybe in 2004? This says “firsts” but i’m gonna tell you anyway that I got them pierced 9 times lmao and i have my nose and bellybutton done 

Sport you joined -Christine: basketball grade 7-12 and first year of college, ballet from age 5 on and off till now, running from first year of college -Hun: I have never done physical activity in my life. I was in marching band lmao

Vacation -Christine: China, Japan, parts of Canada, Australia -Hun: I’ve been up north before (a michigan thing) but I had to hunt which is a pain to me so I wouldn’t call them vacations so I really have never 

Pair of sneakers -Christine: don’t do this to me don’t ok fine Reeboks, Nikes, New Balance, Nikes again, Puma -Hun: My first pair of sneakers? I dont get this category why would I know this? So I have many a nike for a person who doesn’t move but I have a pair of white fake keds that are torn and ripped and the bottoms don’t exist but I’m never throwing them away 

RIGHT NOW

Eating -Christine: air -Hun: nada

Drinking -Christine: water  -Hun: gatorade

I’m about to   -Christine: write a smut hc for you thirsty thirsty ppl -Hun: go back to bed

Listening to -Christine: Daydream by Medasin  -Hun: the fan 

Want kids? -Christine: max two -Hun: Idk I’m like 9 i need time to think

Get married? -Christine: probably? idk -Hun: well I sure fuckin hope

Career -Christine: Med student, aspiring surgeon -Hun: Student, receptionist, clarinet instructor who hopes she’ll be cut out for corporate law

WHICH IS BETTER?

Lips or eyes -Christine & Hun: Eyes

Hugs or kisses -Christine: kisses -Hun: I ain’t never done the kissing but I’m gonna assume its neat

Shorter or taller -Christine & Hun: Taller

Romantic or spontaneous -Christine & Hun: romantic

Sensitive or loud -Christine & Hun: sensitive

Hook up or relationship -Christine: let’s be completely honest here. nothing beats the feeling of fuck em & leave em wanting for more yes i am that asshole -Hun: ^^ I would love to be cool like that. But also *michael scott voice* I love [relationships]. Love to be a part of one someday.

Troublemaker or hesitant -Christine: troublemaker -Hun: hesitant. plz sit down, sir

HAVE YOU EVER…

Kissed a stranger -Christine: yes -Hun: sighing

Drank hard liquor -Christine: yes when i was 20 and thought macallan 25 was hard liquor -Hun: constantly

Lost contacts/glasses -Christine & Hun: dont wear either

Sex on first date -Christine: yep -Hun: now im just sad 

Broken someone’s heart -Christine: since we’ve established that i’m an asshole, yes -Hun: my own i’m boo boo the fool

Been arrested -Christine: Nope -Hun: well not “arrested” but I did have to sit in the back of a cop car for awhile lmao long story

Turned someone down -Christine: Yes -Hun: the opportunity has not presented itself

Fallen for a friend -Christine: kinda but i was like 11  -Hun: oh boy i have many a tale on this subject

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ___?

Yourself -Christine: Yes -Hun: lol

Miracles -Christine: no bec i’m a cynical mofo -Hun: at this point I sure hope

Love at first sight? -Christine: nope -Hun: i dont know her i suddenly can’t read

Heaven -Christine: nope -Hun: i do!! am i going?? probably not

Santa Claus -Christine: my brother does (he’s 9) and i buy his gifts so that makes me santa and since we’ve established that i believe in myself, then yes i believe in santa -Hun: my mom didn’t let me believe in santa ever so no, but i want you all to know i was such a good elementary school kid for not saying shit - when kids were mean to me i could’ve just wrecked them but I DID NOT

I tag @barbabangme, @serendiptious-esparza, @dreila03

[angelguk]

get to know me tag

RULES: ANSWER THESE 88 QUESTIONS (mae you cant call it 92 when it’s 88) AND TAG 20 PEOPLE (mini rant: why do these thing always request 20 people to tag. i dont even know ten people pls let me breathe) 

tagged by the literal angel @stormae

tagging: @jseokks / @taeyongbelviso / @floral-misfortune / @angelikidel99 / and who ever wants to do this

THE LAST:

1. DRINK: bitter af lemon tea

2. PHONE CALL: My friend Wanjiru

3. TEXT MESSAGE: there’s no school you think i’ll be outchea at 8

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Don’t Know You by Heize ( i love talent)

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: like last week wednesday. some shit happened

HAVE YOU:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nope

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: nope

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: everything here is going to be a no

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: ??? I don’t know

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: yes

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: no nope never i don’t leave the house

TOP 3 FAVORITE COLORS

12. lilac

13. rose gold

14. dusty pink (or millennial pink if you must)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: I have which is a YAY

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: yep

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: All my friends are leaving/ moving to different schools because we finished year 11 now so yes I have. I’ve made so much memories with those uglies I’m going to miss them

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: nah

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: ? I’ve been cooped up in my house so no I guess

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: lmao that was last year and that whole scenario was a mess

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: no

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: all of them I don’t add people I don’t know

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: I had pets!!! Two dogs but we left them in South Africa and two cats but they both passed away :(((

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: yes (my real name is wack hhh)

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: had a lunch/ dinner thing with my family

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: eight o’ clock 

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: finding out tea/gossip i love having late night calls which involve drama

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: my fucking results for IGCSES 

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: this morning before she left for work

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: my motivation because i’m lazy af and i would love the ability to interact with other people without wanting to literally combust into fucking flames

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: High by Jida

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i have actually never talked to a Tom. there’s no Toms in Africa

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: personal stuff about my family

LOST QUESTIONS

34. MOLE(S): i have one on my left ear lobe, one on my chin on the right of my face, another on my hip and one on my right wrist

35. MARK(S): none

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: ironically it was to be a writer, my parents were really busy while i was growing up so i learnt to read so i could amuse myself. i started writing at 8 i think on my dad’s laptop and he was like “wowww!!!1!! that’s so good!” (it was a piece of shit i couldn’t form actual sentences) so yeah there’s that

37. HAIR COLOR: black as midnight (this is how i was writing in the above ^^ story like i introduced a character with the line: her skin was as white as snow)

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short and i might go shorter because i want to big chop it

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: *laughs* what’s a crush

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: i’m pretty straight forward (sometimes insensitive i know bUT i can’t be everything pls) so i don’t really lie, when i put effort into something i really do do my absolute best, my work ethic (when im not a lazy bitch)

41. PIERCINGS: just the normal ear ring piercing but i want a double helix and an industrial 

42. BLOODTYPE: i really dont know?? not even my mom knows

43. NICKNAME(S): fish (dont ask), fetoes (dont ask), feth (dont ask)

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: IM SINGLE AND FREEE

45. ZODIAC: aquarius (i think im more superior to all the other signs and yes im correct aquarians are the best dont @ me)

46. PRONOUNS: she/her

47. FAVORITE TV SHOW: SKAM SKAM SKAM SKAM IM CRYING WHY DID THAT SHOW HAVE TO END I LOWKEY HATE JULIA IM SAD I LOVE SKAM. also skins but i don’t like it as much as skam the only good character is tony and that’s because he’s wild af also effy buts she’s too edgy for me 

48. TATTOOS: i have like 3 planned for when i bounce outta my parents house

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right

50. SURGERY: i have all my bones and organs in perfect condition thanks

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nope

52. SPORT: tennis

53. VACATION: The one time my parents drove us to Durban for a family holiday!! tHE BEST!! i love sharks and beaches. but most of the time we just came back to kenya because my entire family is here. we haven’t gone on a overseas vacation in a while because my parents wanted to show us the wonders of kenyan tourist attractions (masai mara is really awesome i really saw a lion full up and zebras are gorgeous in real life like them stripes and they are thicc af) 

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: nike 

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: haven’t eaten since i woke up probably won’t eat until noon

56. DRINKING: bitter lemon tea

57. I’M ABOUT TO: finish writing a fic i hope i can put up soon. let’s see if my lazy ass cooperates 

58. WAITING FOR: RESULTS CAMBRIDGE GIVE ME MY RESULTS

59. WANT: to rewatch skam so i can cry again 

60. GET MARRIED: actually no. i was with my new baby cousins the other day and i realized marriage and kids are just not for me

61. CAREER: i want to be a forensic psychologist but i might skip that and do something with international relations so i can work with the UN. 

 62. HUGS OR KISSES: HUGS (i have this need to constantly hug everyone i know all the damn time because my nursery teacher Jennifer - a truly wonderful woman i still love her to this day - used to hug me all the damn time and it was one of those tight squeezing hugs. by the all the damn time i mean 24/7)

63. LIPS OR EYES: eyes

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: taller (IM SHORT AND I LOVE BEING PICKED UP HHH)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: older. talking to people younger than me makes me feel like i have to be responsible example or some shit 

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: both tbh

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: loud people because i am quiet and reserved so yeah

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: relationship

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: troublemakers i’m a true stick to the rules person so i need to be shaken up every once in a while

HAVE YOUR EVER:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nope

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nope

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: nope

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yes

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: noo

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: nope (may be idk sometimes i say shit i really shouldn’t)

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: depends

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nope

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: non

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: nope

(wow look @ my ass i really can’t)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80. YOURSELF: *starts laughing really loudly*

81. MIRACLES: i mean miracles? not really? 

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: attraction? yes. love? no

83. SANTA CLAUS: i figured out santa wasn’t real when i was four okay

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: yes

85. ANGELS: yes! not really angels but rather spirits but if fucking Michelangelo came down from the heavens and visited me i wouldn’t be surprised (i also believe in demons or evil spirits you can’t think one is real without acknowledging the other) (advice: don’t summon/provoke/fuck with spirits they DON’T CARE and they will HARM YOU) 

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): amy, awrad, maryan and wanjeri (i see you looking wanjeri as of now we’re best friends)

OTHER

87. EYECOLOR: my irises are the tone of deep dark mahogany, with swirls of coffee and chestnut dancing within the infinite sea of brown. flickers of gold catch the sunlight within their grasps and make my eyes glow like firelight orbs. (my eyes r fucking brown)

88. FAVORITE MOVIE: Perks of being a Wallflower (i cry every single damn fucking time) Easy A (best chick flick of this generation) Love, Rosie (this damn movie fucked me up i really didn’t expect that) 

[cas-tellation]

Not What You Thought (I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Know) part 8

Last chapter - Masterlist - Read on ao3

A/N; Firstly; I just wanted to say that I have this fic pretty much mapped out, BUT there's a big empty space between now and the ending -- just because i need some filler stuff that i can use to add some ~development~ that being said, if you want anything specific to happen in this fic, please, please leave a comment telling me as this is the perfect time for me to maybe fit some of that stuff in. Nothing too big, just lil things. (do you want phil to get a pet? do you want more flashbacks from dan? flashbacks from phil? more about their family & all of that?? literally anything little like that that i can write a little bit about)Secondly; here a playlist of all the music i listen to whilst writing (i mean theres other music i constantly forget to add songs whoops) so if you wanna really ~get in the zone~ whilst readin you can go listen to that if you want i guess here it is And finally; lots of people who read this fic are ftm trans and thats great!! all the feedback that i've gotten back from them is so nice, and im very, very happy that this fic is at least somewhat realistic. I, myself, am not trans, however i am agender (demiboy? idk lol im figuring things out still) so i do have ~some~ experience with dysphoria and all that stuff, but at the same time its also amazing to hear what people say(a huge thanks to everyone's who's left comments on this fic so far... they really are greatly appreciated.)

Dan’s tired. He doesn’t want to get out of bed. Doesn’t want to do much of anything, really. The dysphoria is there; strong as ever. Maybe that’s the thing that he hates the most about himself: The dysphoria. Some people say that they understand that; understand the self hatred that comes with being stuck in the wrong body. But really, how could they, if they were cis?

When his mum claims that everything will be okay and that she understands, and that what he’s going through is something that every teen goes through-- isn’t she lying, because he’s not every teen. He’s Dan, not Yazi. He’s trans, not cis. He doesn’t know anybody who is trans - save for a couple of youtubers that he watches, more for the education aspect of being trans than anything else.

He feels alone. He can’t go to someone. Say, Phil. He couldn’t go to Phil and have the other boy comfort him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay. Because how would Phil know, if he’s cis? How could Phil possibly know? How could anybody? Sure, they could have little glimpses, but nothing tangible. They wouldn’t feel dysphoria.

They wouldn’t feel this tired.

There’s a certain level of self hatred, but a lot of it was just the dysphoria. It makes him want to physically claw off his own skin.

-

School is stressful. He feels like he’s falling apart under the pressure of it. He’s doing too much and yet he still feels like he’s not doing enough. He stops doing his homework completely because whenever he hands it in and gets anything less than a perfect score; he feels like he’s failed somehow.

Of course, he hasn’t failed just because he has gotten a lower score, but still.

His mind is constantly messing with him and he’s so tired.

-

Phil’s embrace is more than welcoming after a long day. Dan melts into his arms, taking a long, shuddering breath and burying his face into Phil’s chest.

Take another deep breath. Now, close your eyes. Feel, where are you?

In, and out, darkness. Phil’s arms, Phil’s body, Phil’s heart, beating slowly and steadily beneath Dan’s cheek, further calming him. Phil’s saying something, maybe asking if Dan’s okay. Or alternatively, what’s wrong.

God, it feels like everything is wrong.

Everything, and it’s all piling up.

It’s too much. It’s all just - too much. He doesn’t know if he can deal with it anymore. He misses the sharp kiss of the blade against his pale skin.

But he’s here in Phil’s arms, safe from physical harm.

l

Only for the time being. Phil would leave and then - and then.

God.

Since when does the world spin like this? Since when does the world hurt like this?

Phil’s arms are drawing tighter around Dan’s thin body, one hand coming up to comb gently through Dan’s ever-so-slightly curly hair.

“It’ll be okay, Danny,” Phil’s saying.

But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be okay. Because everything hurts but at the same time everything’s so empty and heavy and full and painful. In Dan’s eyes, it’s not going to be okay. Not by a long shot. He feels so broken, and used up, and thoroughly useless.

He’s none of those things.

But his mind refuses to think of himself as anything but that.

Phil’s arms are around him, holding him together. When all Dan is doing is breaking apart.

-

Phil’s gone. He hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d been worried about Dan. They’re all worried, all the time. Phil, the teachers at school, Dan’s parents.

But Phil had to leave.

And Dan is now alone. Feeling the worst that he has in a long time. And he doesn’t know what to do.

-

Everything’s hazy. It’s like he’s looking at his life through a keyhole. Not really there. It’s almost as if he can’t feel anything. Is he dreaming? He can’t remember going to sleep but he still doesn’t feel like he’s properly awake. Through a keyhole. Hazy. Dream-like. Sitting on the edge of a bathtub, rolling up his sleeves.

Numb.

A razor, in his hand.

And god is he really going to do this?

-

Sleep is laced through with unease.

-

The feeling’s not gone the next day. He had hoped that after a good night’s sleep that the hurt would go away.

He doesn’t know how he’s going to make it through the day.

The binder fits too tight. His hair is growing out a little and it only adds to the dysphoria. Everything feels too feminine. Too much. Way too much. Make it stop, please.

-

He walks to school, the overcast sky reflecting his emotional state perfectly.

He pauses, in front of the school door, weighing his options.

Then, he turns around and walks in the opposite direction. Fuck school.

-

He doesn’t go home. God, he doesn’t want to go ‘home’ ever again. He goes to the park instead, where he and Phil had been. Except that now Phil’s not there. Instead, there are countless children and their parents. He almost regrets coming but sits down on the edge of a bench anyway, pulling a book out of his bag and trying to lose himself in the story. At least for a little while.

It’s weird, how invisible he is.

Nobody seems to notice him.

Nobody bothers him.

He almost wishes that he could do this everyday. Until he remembers how much school he’s missing and feels his throat choke up. Too much, this is all too much, and yet not enough.

-

Phil texts him just after noon, when Dan would usually meet him.

Dan doesn’t reply.

-

Everything is falling apart at a steady pace and there’s nothing that Dan can do to stop it.

-

That night, Dan lays in bed, his hands resting on his stomach, tears racing down his cheeks. He thinks, ‘I need Phil’, and then, ‘I need Nicole’, and after that he hates himself a little bit more.

-

The amount of notifications that Dan wakes up to is absolutely horrifying, in his opinion. Dozens from Phil. Even one from Nicole. He breath catches in his throat as he sees it;

Nic: where have you been ive missed u

He doesn’t know if he can reply to it. He does anyway.

Dan: i miss you too.

And he does. Fuck, he does.

He locks his phone again before he replies to Phil. A sick feeling settles in his belly.

-

At lunch the next day, Dan’s almost disappointed to see that Phil isn’t yet sitting on the dusty patch of ground behind the building. He pulls out the same book that he had started yesterday, and begins reading. He’s hoping that Phil will show up.

But scared, too, because he’s so unresponsive. He’s scared that Phil will think that Dan doesn’t like him and he’s scared that Phil won’t see how lost Dan is.

But fear isn’t helping him so he pushes it down and tries so hard to focus on the words in front of him. He doesn’t know if it’s working.

Phil does show up. He’s not mad that Dan hadn’t been there the day before, instead, he was worried about how Dan was feeling.

Phil says, “Hey Danny.”

And Dan says, “I told you to stop calling me that.”

And then Phil hugs him again and all Dan can think is: Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Because what did he do to deserve someone like this? Since when did he get to be with the Good Guy? Since when did someone who actually cared about things pay any sort of attention to him?

Usually it was someone looking for a good fuck.

Or Nicole, who simply didn’t have her life together enough to care.

Dan lets Phil hold him and is scared that Phil will leave once he realizes how well and truly fucked up Dan feels.

-

Feeling good is something that takes a long time. Dan feels a spark of it that night when Phil texts him saying:

Phil: Goodnight dannyyyyyyy <3333

The spark being Dan’s stomach flopping around happily. Happily. Happiness. It’s something that he has a hard time feeling.

But with Phil, it seems to come easier.

-

Dan wakes up feeling a bit more awake than usual. He tells himself that this means he’s getting over the depression, though he can still feel it lurking there, right under his skin, waiting for the worst time to make it’s re-appearance.

It’s horrible, living like this, but at the point that Dan is now at, it’s impossible to avoid.

[vee-blackwell]

im just emptily staring at my computer feeling lonely and sad and empty

i want to play games but i both can’t choose and can’t focus on what i choose

my current computer is shit but it would be cool if i could do casual streams with friends

but my sleep schedule is so off the rails no one is awake

im playing hand held games that are fun but i think about how even once i finish accomplishing anything on it i’m still not accomplishing anything in my life

im just pathetic and worthless. im so lonely yet the upcoming events where i’ll be with people are just making me mildly nervous to think about right now

i just know im going to pull some massive social fuck ups again and embarrass myself

its depressing when the games i could or want to play require me to leave my room

but its even more depressing that i leave my room for probably less than two hours (being generous with the time here) on the average day.

i have games i would love to be able to download on my computer to play but my computer doesnt run it

my mom spends literally almost every day off with Jim’s saying “oh its been a while since i visited him last” even though he’s still the only person she ever really acknowledges and talks to for longer than like 5 minutes.

she keeps pushing his and her own interests into things she wants to try and do with me and then gets discouraged when i don’t want to go

she doesn’t understand that i hate being around that misogynistic asshole and his shitty political opinions, even if it’s to visit his daughter, especially when it’s basically an errands run turned into a visit.

she shouldnt just ask me about this at 8 pm and then tell me she expects me to be awake and up and ready by like 5:30 am for no other reason that “well Jim and i are already used to getting up early” when it affects nothing else about that day’s plans if they were to have gone at like, 8 am instead.

i don’t want to go to some new bar and casino, i don’t want to go to another mausoleum with you and Jim, i don’t want to go to that drag show, i don’t want to be taken with you on car rides as you drive among salem and corvallis and albany and salem and all around running work errands and call it spending time with me

in fact i also dont understand why she sometimes comes into my room while already on the phone, and either sits on my bed or stands awkwardly just inside my doorway staring at me while im sitting on my bed at the computer, and she’s there for 5 or sometimes even a miraculous 15 minutes standing and talking on the phone, and then leaves without even hanging up still. she’s honestly on the phone with work or Jim or SOMETIMES a friend of hers for that long, it’s the most amount of time i ever hear her talk. and usually, it makes me reluctant to hear her talk.

im once again burnt out on food options especially with having to eat a small meal with this new medication and drink liquid, so no matter what time i got to bed, be it midnight or 3 am or 7 am, i wake up around noon for breakfast in bed, because i never leave my room, down my pills, take my vitamins if i feel like getting out of bed to use the bathroom, take another melatonin and sleep until after 5 pm.

this is my daily routine give or take some things being a few hours apart on the odd day

sometimes i get to stand up and walk about a foot and a half to turn the fan in my room on or off if its too warm or too cold. other times i realize im in pain and lay back and stretch my arms, back, and legs out for about a minute, before going back to the same cross-legged, hunched over position that i’m sure will slowly cripple me

i’m an utter mess, a disaster in process, and i’m fully conscious of it yet feel utterly unable to do anything to stop it. aware of my own powerlessness over my own actions. i could ask for more money so i can actually go grocery shopping for myself and get food i want. or go to a food place and order something that is healthier or different from the same tired out junk crap i shove in my diet. or take a walk or go ride my bike and drink plenty of water with the summer heat. do some art or practice game dev and coding on my own time.

but im too weak, mentally and physically and emotionally to try and endure even the most basic actions. even at this moment where im begging to sleep for 15 years i’m still not yet doing anything to lie down, turn off the lights, and get any rest. and i know that i won’t wake up and be active for any reasonable time of day either.

is the rut i’ve dug in circles around myself too deep to clamber out of right now? i need someone with a shovel to toss more dirt in my moat and help me get a slope to walk up and out of the emotional trenches i’m hiding in, from the war between the thoughts i have idealizing what i can be and can do, and the thoughts telling me that the higher my goal, the bigger the target i am to be shot down in disappointment by the brutality of reality and the state of my life.

anyway. i wrote probably 7 more paragraphs than i expected to vent about. so. i guess i’ll coil myself in my bedsheets for about 6 hours and then be online at some other point maybe 5 hours after that.

night.