#I’ve been trying to get more concise for years and I just can’t

[starqueensthings]

So I’ve been stewing on this…

(It’s really long because I have no control over my feelings 🙃)

Echo has always shouldered the roll of “rally man” for the emerging rebellion. At first, I thought it was simply because he had only ever known life as a solider, and operating as a paid mercenary for a stranger with increasingly questionable ideals (Cid), just didn’t sit right with him. A conversation between him and Hunter on Bracca reinforced that theory: 👇🏼

Then I wondered if it was maybe just deeply engrained loyalty, and an intense devotion to his former captain that fuelled his desire to join the cause. After all, Rex was the one that put the plan in place to rescue him from the Techno Union. Maybe he felt as if he owed his captain a ‘life-debt’ of sorts. It’s even possible, when he was first rescued, that he felt the same sort of debt towards the Bad Batch, and that may have been a driving factor in his decision to go with them.

But then there was this: 👇🏼

And suddenly, my previous theory didn’t seem accurate. His continued pleads, each time eliciting a larger and larger emotional response from him: 👇🏼

It no longer seemed like simple devout loyalty to his captain that was fuelling his desperation. It seemed deeper than that, as if there was a deeply emotional, yet unspoken reason why his top priority had shifted to helping the rebellion. And it was a strong enough pull for him to upheave himself from the comfort of the squad that had whole-heartedly accepted him. Enough to send him into the clutches of unknown imminent danger, with few allies and fewer resources. And then we got this: 👇🏼

This exchange could easily just be rolled off the shoulders, and it rolled off of mine the first time I saw it. But there was something about Hunter’s comment about “being enough” that sat kinda odd in me, and I started to wonder. Maybe Echo’s persistent urge to aid in the bigger cause had nothing to do with loyalty to Freedom, his captain, or his brothers… Maybe it had everything to do with guilt. Maybe he struggles to get through his days, thinking about all the brothers had been forced to betray while his mind was under the control of the Techno Union. Maybe the weight of knowing how many brothers were lost on his account, rendered him completely submerged in shame, and this is how he was trying to make up for it.

And then I remembered Hunter saying to him when he left: “Wherever you end up, remember what I said.” Had Echo had conversations with his Sergeant about his feelings before? Had Hunter tried numerous times in the past to rid the ARC of the guilt that he walked around with on his shoulders?

[luveline]

Hi Jade! Can I request Spencer and Nurse!reader? Maybe they meet when he’s wounded/she’s patching him up?

(Yes I’m a nursing student I promise we aren’t all mean girls 😔)

ty for requesting!! ik ur not all mean of course!!<3 —you meet the cutest FBI agent ever and tend his wounds. fem, 1.5k

One of the small pleasures of your job is when the patients are cute. Not many people come through as handsome as this one. You’re professional nonetheless. 

“What am I seeing you for today?” you ask, holding your hands behind your back. 

Your patient, charted as a Dr. Spencer Walter Reid, twenty nine years old, gives you a tentative smile. “Someone hit me really hard.” 

You can see the bruise forming against his temple. “Yes, I’d say so. Did you know the assailant?” 

“No, but it’s handled.” His smile turns to a grimace. “Uh, I get these, like, debilitating migraines, and I feel like I have one coming on.”

“A head injury could trigger that,” you agree, holding your hands out in front of you, little torch in hand. “Can I have a look?” you ask softly. 

When you’ve been a nurse for some time, you start to categorise people into boxes. All kinds of boxes for different things, but Spencer Reid gets a tick for a few things straight away: shy, pretty, and sensitive to touch. He must not get touched much, or he’s had a bad experience with strangers. He did just get hit in the head, you allow, brushing a sweet, mousy curl away from his head and holding it out of the way as you shine a light into each of his eyes. He flinches hard, but his pupils react as expected. 

Whoever hit him managed to break the skin, upon closer infection of the injury. The skin has turned purple at the edges of his cut. It’ll be a big bruise in just a few hours. 

“Spencer, please tell me if I hurt you, honey,” you say, voice still soft. If he’s got a migraine coming, he won’t want your usual overloud distinction. 

“It’s okay. It hurts, but not more or less when you poke it.” 

“You have a laceration, yeah? It’s about three centimetres long, but deep. I can close it with a butterfly stitch, if you’re okay with that.” 

“Yeah, please. Um, about the migraine–”

“Do you want a tramadol, honey? I think you deserve one.” 

“I can’t have narcotics.” 

You pull back and straighten the hair you’d displaced. “That’s okay, it just means you can’t have the strongest stuff. Most people try to avoid them anyhow. How about tylenol, would that be alright? Or do you avoid painkillers in general?” 

“Tylenol is fine as long as it doesn’t have the codeine with it.” 

You give him a gentle nod. “I’ll make sure it’s the right one. You can even see the bottle, if you like. Would you want them before or after the stitch?” He probably knows, but you add, “It’s not a real stitch. But it might feel tender when I’m poking around.” 

“Anything. Whatever you want to do first.” 

His eyes squeeze closed. You give him a frown he can’t see, and rest your hand on his arm. “Is there someone here with you?” you ask him.

“My friend is coming, I think. There was a lot going on.” 

“That’s okay. I’m not sending you home until I’ve fixed you, Dr. Reid.” 

He smiles, even with his eyes closed, but doesn’t say anything more. You wash your hands and find your bandages. A butterfly bandage, a sterile wipe, and a square piece of gauze to cover it cleanly. His eyes are opening again when you return, ushering him gently down the bed so you can sit on his right side near the injury. 

“What do you do for work?” you ask him. 

“I work for the FBI.” 

“You do?” You tear open the sterile wipe and again pull the curls from his forehead. “This might sting. Please tell me if it hurts too much.” 

“It’s not the cut that hurts.” 

“I’m sorry,” you say sympathetically. Migraines are a tricky business. If he’s already having one, you probably can’t do much to get rid of it, but that doesn’t mean pain relief won’t help. “I’ll do this as quickly as I can.” 

He’s quiet. You wipe around the laceration with careful, concise movements. The cut looks clean enough when you’re done, and it’s so small you won’t irrigate it. 

“Are you an agent?” you ask. 

“Yeah. Special supervisory with the BAU. The, uh, behavioural analysis unit.” 

“Oh, I know,” you say, putting the wrapping and the dirtied wipe into your cardboard bowl. “I think I’ve seen it on TV sometimes, you guys can track the serial killers and stuff?” 

“Mostly that, yeah. Uh, sometimes we find trafficking rings or missing kids. Sometimes we manage hostage situations. It depends on the level of the crisis.” 

“So you’re the big gun.” 

“I guess so. I’m not actually good with a gun.” 

“No one has to be good with a gun to change the world.” You pull the butterfly stitch from the packaging and pick at a finicky end. “I hate guns.” 

He sighs. “I do, too.” 

“They make my job hard. It’s not nice, seeing what they can do to people. It’s awful, really. Spencer, I’m so sorry, honey, I’m just gonna put this on here, it might feel uncomfortable as I pull the sides together.” 

“It’s okay.” 

You pull the plastic of the butterfly stitch on both sides, cinching his cut together promptly. It looks better now you can’t see the inside. 

“I’m gonna cover this with the dressing now. You don’t have to keep it on if you don’t want to, it’s a pretty small cut, it was just deep. I’d recommend you try to keep it dry for two days, really, you should keep it covered, but it’s up to you. And if anything happens, if it gets infected, you can always come see me again.” 

You’re mildly flirting, then. Just because he’s nice and shy. It might be a little cruel of you to proposition a man when he’s roughed up, though. 

Spencer, luckily, understands that you’re not trying to harass him. “Thank you.” 

You stand, peeling the plastic from the bandaid and exposing the sticky backing. Slowly, you stroke his hair back from the wound and line the bandaid up. He shivers under your nails. 

“So sorry,” you say, laughing under your breath, “it’s my nails, huh?” 

“It’s okay.” 

“You’re a great patient, Spencer. I’d give you a sticker if I could, I’m not kidding.” 

“You’re a great nurse.” 

“Thank you.” You smooth the edges of the bandaid down for good measure and step away from him to assess him. “How’s that migraine?” 

“Getting worse.” 

“You have them often, you said? Treated or untreated?” 

“Psychosomatic, apparently.” 

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Has your doctor talked to you about CBT?” 

“Some. I don’t really… want it,” he says awkwardly. 

“That’s okay. If it’s psychosomatic as they believe, it might get better with time. How’s the stress in your life?”

“Stressful.” 

“It must be hard, the FBI, everything. Life is hard enough. Stopping serial killers must weigh on your heart.” You smile carefully. “Was there anything else you wanted to bring to my attention? Any other injury, anything that needs urgent care?” 

“I was mostly worried I had a concussion.” 

“It doesn’t seem like it. You’re not nauseous, are you?” 

“No, I don’t think so.” 

He gets this awful, sad look on his face, it really isn’t nice to see. People come in by themselves all the time but it never gets easier to handle. 

“Are you alright?” you ask, taking his arm into your hand. 

“I’m fine.” 

He had the look of someone who’s always fine. Luckily for him, it’s your job to take care of people, to make sure they’re more than fine. “Okay. I’m gonna get you something warm to drink. Do you like donuts?” 

“Uh–”

“I’m getting a feeling about you. Chocolate frosting, I bet.” 

He smiles, startled and pleased at once. “Yeah.” 

“Okay, I’m gonna get those for you. A drink, a donut, and some much needed Tylenol. You can lay down if you like.” 

He nods but doesn’t move. 

As you’re leaving the room, you cross paths with a handsome man with dark skin and a bright smile. Must be something in the air today, you think. 

“Reid, you okay?” you hear him say. 

“Fine.” 

“You’re pink.” 

“What?” 

“You’re blushing. Oh, you had the pretty nurse, didn’t you?” 

“Shut up,” Spencer whispers sharply. 

“You can ask for her number.” 

“No I can’t, she’s working.” 

“But you want to,” his friend surmises. 

You bite down a smile, giving your head a shake as you go. You need to get a move on. Spencer needs a hot drink, a donut, Tylenol, and a pen. It should be okay if you’re both feeling up to it, right?

[nicromancytarot]

HOW I GOT STARTED IN TAROT AND MY TIPS FOR ANY OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO IT!!!

I love to offer advice if you can’t already tell, and I also love tarot, so let’s talk about things that I have learnt from my journey as a tarot reader.

My journey

I started tarot at 14 years old while living with a family member who was shut off to the idea of spirituality, as it had hindered the life of my own mother, and caused her mental health issues in the past.

I decided to go against their requests and start practicing in secret, I didn’t have my own income so I wasn’t able to buy my own deck, instead I decided to make one. (Tarot is a tool, you don’t need “actual” tarot cards to be able to read.)

I used old train tickets that I had since I would take a couple of trains 5 days a week, which would give me 1, if not 2 tickets per day.

I was mainly focused on love, so I created little tarot cards with small details about love on them, and I would use these on my friends just for a bit of fun.

Eventually these got taken away from me, so just after my 16th birthday, after not doing tarot for around 3 months at that time, I decided to buy my first tarot deck as I was now living back with my mother, and although she was sceptical about the idea, she allowed me to have my first deck and supported my journey as I dove deeper into divination.

I practiced every so often, one time I had a crush on this guy and I wanted to know how he felt about me, every spread I got for him would give me the 4 of cups… yeah, I used to think that meant he was just a little demotivated, until I realised like a year later that it meant he was absolutely not interested in me, lmao!

But this is good, learning always comes with mistakes, so do not let that discourage you.

My decks

- the Rider-Waite tarot (my main deck)

- Spirit song tarot (my favourite deck)

- (I had a purple one that I spiritually didn’t need, so it went missing and never returned like a week after I got it)

- Ethereal visions tarot

- The nightmare before christmas tarot

- Angels of abundance oracle

- Casanova tarot (for 18+)

I also use little pieces of paper that I wrote 18+ stuff on, which I now use for any explicit readings to highlight the things someone would do to my collective sexually!

Having multiple decks

I personally love having this many decks, and I 100% will be getting more, as soon as I’ve finished learning the meanings of some of the casanova tarot!

Tarot is a tool, sometimes I read explicit stuff off my main deck, and I still get very accurate messages using that, you do not need to splash out on extra decks to try and read one specific theme.

I enjoy having multiple decks as they’re all just so beautiful, and I feel blessed to be able to have them.

Having one of my decks fall off the face of the earth a year and a half ago, proved to me that I needed to really make sure that I wanted a deck and felt connected to it before buying. This deck itself was 1 actually instinctively didn’t want to buy, but went back to get for other reasons.

So don’t impulsively buy, if it’s meant for you, you’ll know.

How I do my readings

If I decide that I need to cleanse my own energy, I will do a 15-30 minute meditation, but I normally only feel called to do so when I’m doing a really intense reading that I feel I need to protect my energy from.

I start off with a simple affirmation, welcome my spirits to help guide me through the session.

“I am calling upon my ancestors and spirit guides to make sure I am protected during this reading, and that I get the most accurate and concise messages.”

Then I knock on the deck twice before doing 1 shuffle thrice, knocking twice and doing the final shuffle thrice, knocking twice.

That is my own personal way of cleansing my deck after other energies have been channelled through it. I let my decks rest with some crystals every night, and they see the moon when it’s full for an extra cleanse.

I personally find the knocking to be very simple and cleansing for my cards, and it has proved well.

After I’m done cleaning, I ask my spirits the question out loud, and then I knock twice before shuffling to get the spread.

I only take 1-2 cards at a time, if there’s more, I put them back and start shuffling again.

If no cards fall after a while, I do a final shuffle and pull from the top.

The spread varies for every reading, normally I pull around 15 cards from my main deck, and then I pull an animal from the Spirit song tarot deck, and sometimes around 12 from another deck if there’s anymore questions needing to be answered.

When reading for other people, I personally only pull upright, unless we’re doing yes or no questions (which I do upright for yes and reverse for no), I’m not a fan for reverses, although I’ve started off with them, I just find it easier to do only uprights.

I pull reverses for educational purposes when I do my own readings, that way I can make sure I learn them more than I already do, and so I can get quicker with identifying them.

As of the beginning of April 2024 I started a new spread, this is my new favourite one for mainly advice readings or something to do with the future.

I like to grab 16 cards, you can take 15, but 16 is my personal number, then I line all the cards up into 3 groups, until I pin the negative cards, this is just something I do instinctively (doesn’t have to be death, tower etc, it could literally be the 2 of cups which seems negative in the reading), on the left I set up the negative ones, and then I add a present feeling or reaction card to do with these negative things, then between the negative and feelings, I put a card to describe why the person feels like that. Then for the rest I basically branch down like the roots of a tree, it’s very sporadic and random, but it creates a story, whichever card is next to another relates to the situation, thoughts and feelings of those cards, then when you get to the right bottom side, you end up with the future energy.

LEFT —> past MIDDLE —> present RIGHT —> future

Random things that I believe in

- The star and the 4 of cups are connected, the 4 of cups represents being fussy and ungrateful, and in the the Rider-Waite tarot, the illustrations are all connected, the star happens in front of the tree which is where the 4 of cups is set, so I like to think that the star is letting go of fussiness and allowing yourself to be free.

- Death and moon are connected, death tends to talk about something you need to let go of, and you already intuitively know about it. This is since death happens in front of the moon.

- The temperance happens in front of the tower, so when you pull the temperance, it means to make a decision before the universe makes it for you, bringing you a tower moment. A good example for this is pulling it in a “how does he feel about me” reading, if you get the tower during this, I would say he feels like you’re his last option, like a plan B if his A falls through. (People hate when I tell them that.)

- The queen of cups represents stability, this is since in the the Rider-Waite tarot, she’s chilling on her throne on a small island, meanwhile the king of cups is floating in the water, showing to me that he’s just going with the flow (weirdly, when I see the king of cups, I associate him with Aquarius energy.)

- The empress is all about loud and proud energy, she’s totally the one to boast about her achievements and what she’s working on, knowing that she will succeed. The emperor is the opposite, he works in silence, he only tells everyone about his newest achievements after he’s sure about them, he likes for people to be in surprise over his success.

- If I pull some cards to check energy for the reading, and the emperor upright, or the empress in reverse comes out, probably means the person I’m reading for isn’t ready to hear this message. This is because the emperor is physical (3D) realm energy, meanwhile the empress is spiritual (4D) energy, this is because spirituality is feminine energy, if you take part in spirituality, you are tapping into your devine feminine.

- The knight of wands represents exes. The night is going to the left (the past), the wand represents fire, fiery passion/fiery ending.

Does this mean my spread may be explained differently if the illustrations are different?

In short, yes. I love symbolism with my whole heart, so when I can make something symbolic out of the illustrations on the deck to describe a reading, I absolutely will.

What does channelling and visualising look like for me?

On a good day, I’ll hear another voice that sound identical to my little internal narrator inside my head, this can be identified as my spirit guides. They will use this to tell me things I need to know, but clairvoyance isn’t really my strongest, so normally I just hear the word “catapult” over and over again, since my main spirit guide seems to love that word.

I honestly channel the most through writing, it’s like I gain so much more information when I start writing down readings, whether it’s in my notes, on tumblr, or in a notepad.

Visualising is interesting, again back with the symbolism, it comes to me in a little story for me to unfold and find a moral of, it’s very time consuming, and I often get confused and think I’m insane, so I’ll pull some cards on it just to be sure I have the story right.

Important notes

- communicate to your spirit guides, I like to tell them exactly how the reading is going to go, just so they understand the format and what, I am looking for.

- Don’t do readings when you don’t feel like you should, if you’re mentally not doing ok, don’t feel bad if you need to step back and away from it, forcing yourself will just give you confusing readings.

- Your spirits hide answers from you, one time I asked my spirit guides how life works, and they refused to tell me (and then had a silly moment and told me like 3 months later for whatever reason.)

- This is not future telling, I cannot tell you what your future will be like, but I can tell you what it might be like if you make certain decisions.

- Don’t use tarot to intrude on someone’s personal life, like no sex readings on your ex for the love of God.

- If a reading doesn’t resonate with you, remember what it said and then come back to it to see if it does now, an example of this was when someone gave me a past life reading that didn’t match up until I reversed it and realised that I was the second person in the reading, rather than the main.

- Have fun with readings, it shouldn’t feel like a chore.

- Allow yourself to make mistakes, that’s the only way you will improve.

- Be patient, don’t think you will know everything about tarot after like 1 week of learning it.

- There’s always more to learn when it comes to tarot, you will never have enough knowledge.

- You can buy yourself decks, even your first one. You don’t need to have another person buy it for you.

I hope you enjoyed this! It took me an hour to write up lmao, but I had fun.

[art]

Creator Spotlight: @kevinbparry

Kevin Parry is a stop-motion animator and visual effects artist in Toronto, Canada, who creates magical and mind-bending content for brands. Prior to working in social media full-time, he animated a number of stop-motion feature films at Portland-based LAIKA.

Check out our interview with Kevin below!

How did you get your start in stop motion and animation in general?

I was always very interested in moviemaking (monster makeup and visual effects), and that led to me studying animation in college, where I specialized in stop-motion.

How has technology changed the way you approach your work?

The shift to shorter content through social media feeds has made me approach storytelling in a more concise way. When I first started my career, ‘short form’ meant a story maybe 4 minutes in length. Now, I make videos that are as short as 4 seconds!

Over the years as an animator, who/what were your biggest inspirations behind your creativity?

I’m a big fan of directors and artists who have a bit more texture to their work - blending old-school, handcrafted techniques with modern technology. Filmmakers like Michel Gondry and Wes Anderson. And, of course, magicians! The surprise and delight of magic is something I try to capture in my work.

If there is one thing you want your audience to remember about your work, what would it be?

That I left them feeling stumped and curious about how I made it! It’s the best feeling when someone tells me they watched my video a dozen times and still can’t figure it out.

As we’re wrapping up with the year, what is one thing you learnt about yourself as a creator in 2022? Any goals for 2023?

This year, I’ve been focusing on making my work less polished. Meaning ditching green screens and doing a lot more of my stop-motion and visual effects in camera. It’s a bit of a battle with the perfectionist in me, but I think my work can have a lot more charm to it if I embrace mistakes and the rougher edges.

How did you transition from working for a company to working freelance?

I was working on stop-motion animated feature films at LAIKA and then eventually left to pursue social media full-time. There were a few years of overlap where I built up an audience and had already started to get offers from companies before finally making the leap. I’m thankful for all the years spent doing studio work because it prepared me for the business side of freelance—stuff like pitching concepts and understanding when work needs to serve the client and not myself.

Do you have any tips for creators out there looking to make the same move?

My two tips are:

Be as unique as possible. You want to give companies a reason to come to you, and not someone else.

Find a balance in your work between Hollywood and homemade. You want it to be professional enough that companies trust you with their brand but approachable enough that it blends in well on social media.

Who on Tumblr inspires you and why?

To be honest, I’m new to Tumblr! I signed up a few weeks ago and have just begun to explore the fantastic content. If people can leave a comment with who I should check out, that would be fantastic!

Thank you for stopping by, Kevin! Be sure to check out more of their work over at @kevinbparry, and drop a comment below with who Kevin should check out on Tumblr!

[raylangivins]

Thank you @coyotesuspect for tagging me to do a fic writer interview!!! I love shiteing on about writing :)

How many works do you have on ao3?

41 and like half of that is from the Beatles boom of the last couple years 🫣

What’s your total word count?

242,272

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

live through this and you won’t look back (check please, jackparse); if being afraid is a crime, we hang side by side (wolf 359, kepcobi); baby, it’s all relative (beatles, mclennon); i thought i knew you, what did i know (beatles, jane pov mclennon); slip of the tongue (beatles, mclennon)

Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Yes!! Although I’ve gotten bad about getting back to comments on old fic bc i always open it in a new tab to respond later and then I forgor. But I’ve turned on the ao3 inbox so i can get better about finding them again. I love receiving comments and I genuinely appreciate all of them. Be rude not to reply!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Any ‘68-‘69 era beatles fic I’ve written tbh, but i think the worst of them is one and one and one is three where I forced poor Paul to endure a threesome with John and Yoko :)

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Oh god idk, one of the angst-less pwps probably. tune me up and turn me out I wrote with the express purpose of depicting John and Paul being horny and in love so maybe that one. Also I have a forever soft spot for wouldn’t it be nice? because the ending is so 🥰🥰🥰 ROMANCE!!!

Do you write crossovers?

Wrote one this year about Don Draper hooking up with Paul McCartney :) plus this oldie about Jean-Ralphio from parks and rec becoming the 11th doctor’s companion.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Only from troll accounts

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Brother I write any kind. I’ll write kinks I don’t even like if the muse demands it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No but I’ve had someone finish a fic I abandoned years ago on ff.net and then they message me about it being like “can I finish this” and then I checked he fic and they’d already posted it and only asked permission bc someone asked them if they did lol.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I think I did in the ff.net days but I can’t remember if anyone’s done it since

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No :( I’d love to. I have no idea if I’d be any use though, I have such a self-contained writing process.

What's your all-time favourite ship?

Raylan/Boyd or Pacey/Joey probably, neither of which I’ve written anything for lmao

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

There’s a jackparse fic that I’ve been trying to write since the summer of 2020, and tbh I’m still delusional enough to think I will get it done eventually even though I’ve written almost nothing for it. Never give up, never surrender!

What are your writing strengths?

This sounds dumb but I’m good at capturing vibes. I like to be concise so I try to pack a lot of emotion in the fewest words possible.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I don’t care for physical descriptions so I don’t do them as much as I probably should. I think this, again, goes with my desire to be concise lol

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

If it’s a word or line here and there fair enough but if you’re writing a whole exchange that I don’t understand, my eyes are just gonna glaze over it. Dawg, I cannot read that! And also I think there’s such nuance to the way people switch languages when they’re bilingual and a lot of not bilingual people writing bilingual characters do not understand that. It’s both more and less casual than the way most people depict it.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Gossip girl :)

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

Idk I don’t usually go into a fandom expecting to write for it, it’s more that I join and sometimes the desire strikes and a lot of the time it doesn’t. In terms of beatles which I am consistently writing for, I really want to write a Paul/George fic which I haven’t done yet. But I love a little childhood friendship moment <3

What's your favourite fic you've written?

I love all my children equally, but stuff from this year I’m particularly delighted with are a great threat just because the universe of Paul being the girl beatle was so delicious to play with and also toxic yuri >:), and The McCartney Issue cause it hit me while I was in the midst of struggling with sort of writer’s block and a bit of a confidence dive in terms of writing, and it came to me so fully formed so it was nice to know that spark was still there, and I had a lot of fun with it.

Tagging, if you’d like @javelinbk @crepesuzette2023 @jeanharlowseyebrows @wurmzirkus @planetaire ❤️

[raccoon-in-a-dumpster]

hi. This is the anon who was talking about proship last night. I will try to be concise as possible, without skipping important things this time. You are coming from a place of moral panic and probably your own defense, given what started the conversation, and how could I blame you?

I should’ve been a bit more clear with my explanation, but it was meant to be about shipping. I had assumed that was a given since we were talking about proshipping. I want to remind you that there are a lot of problematic things in various ships across many fandoms, including cannibalism (admittedly that one seems to be pretty fandom-specific), stalking, murder, manipulation, and so on.

I will not argue with you anymore. Clearly you are convinced you’re right (and again…I can’t blame you.).

I will however point out the one flaw in your argument: all of the things I mentioned are illegal. As well as physical and verbal abuse, which are also in a lot of ships, and some people just enjoy that in their fiction. Henry/Will isn’t exactly a pure and healthy ship. You may not know them, but there are people who would tear you to shreds, thinking you support that kind of toxicity in real life.

My point has changed several times over the course of this conversation, and as I’ve had some more time to think on it. I have realized that my initial point was mostly pedantic; meaning, I thought you were wrong about the word ‘proship’ and for some reason felt the need to correct you. Which is pretty shitty of me, I’ll admit.

And once again, I absolutely understand why you’re reacting this way. If an anonymous stranger showed up in my inbox and essentially said “uhhm [word you know to mean pedophilia and incest supporter] is fine, actually.” I’d be incredulous, quite upset, and probably afraid. Of all the ways to try to start a conversation about something like this, I could’ve chosen a much better one if I wanted you to hear me out before deciding that I must be an idiot at best, and a creep at worst, and refusing to even consider anything I say.

But now it’s a point of worry.

I want you to take a moment and ask yourself why you now have two very different definitions of “proshipping”, and why the first definition you were given does not include other things that are illegal, like murder. Who gave you this explanation? Also, if you had read my definition in a vacuum, outside of the context of proshipping, would you agree with it?

If the answer is ‘yes’, ask yourself again why your source told you it was only about liking and supporting pedophilia and incest.

And before you say anything, no, I’m not saying those things aren’t bad. It’s disgusting. I maintain that I wouldn’t touch even the made-up shit with a 20 foot pole.

But do you know what kind of things (aside from actual pedophilia) are often called that?

Adults writing about kids (the same age) being in love, no more explicit than holding hands and kissing each other’s cheeks.

Adults writing to entertain children, even if there’s not even a shred of romance.

Gay people. For existing.

Trans people, like you and me, for existing.

Nevermind the accusations of sexualizing children if you say you headcanon a fictional kid as trans or gay or bi or anything under that rainbow, regardless of whether or not you yourself are gay or trans.

You have experienced this already. You’ve been sent anons accusing you of pedophilia even though you’re a teenager yourself. You and I both know it’s bullshit, but the people who say that don’t care. They don’t care what they have to say to get people like us to, at best, hide in shame and hate ourselves for wanting to be something other than the gender we were assigned at birth. Or, at worst, kill ourselves.

How many people have been accused of pedophilia in the past couple of years? People you may not have even heard of until the accusations reached your ears? I know of a few who have proven their innocence, and it was revealed that the accuser was only trying to make the accused’s life hell.

Screenshots can be faked. Conversations are taken out of context.

Prior to this conversation I had distanced myself from discussions of proship and antiship. I didn’t want to get in the middle of it. But now I have decided that I am proship.

Not because I think it’s okay to coerce children into sexual acts, or that incest is fine, but because I would rather not see the people I care about ganged up on, harassed, and threatened for alleged ‘pedophilia’. For accusations that came from one bigoted prick who decided to use the worst accusation they could think of to get these queer ‘degenerates’ off of the internet.

Because someone writing a story about pedophilia to process and cope with their traumatic childhood experiences with it shouldn’t be dragged to the gallows and hanged for it.

Because someone writing a story about incest may not know enough about it to understand why it’s bad, and they shouldn’t be screamed at and harassed and threatened.

Because my transgender friends shouldn’t be called disgusting sibling-fuckers for discussing how a child in a fantasy AU might try to help their trans sibling find a way to medically transition.

Because I shouldn’t be called a child molester for writing about two gay adult women adopting children.

Because sometimes people don’t know what love could be if it’s not being forced into something.

Because a teenager just starting to explore some of the thoughts and feelings that are coming with puberty might not understand why their 13 year old character shouldn’t romantically or sexually be with the 28 year old pop star they have a crush on, shouldn’t be verbally abused and told to kill themselves until they do too afraid to ask why it’s wrong, because no one will even tell them what their offense was, because they think it’s them.

Because between letting a creep be weird about fictional children on the internet—who gets caught and arrested by their local law enforcement for doing something just the real world (which no one else in the internet would be able to help with, unless you managed to dox them. and is also illegal)—and letting people accuse anyone they don’t like of pedophilia and incest turning all fandom spaces into sterilized hellscapes where one disagreement gets your account publicly executed, I’d much rather go with the former.

Because sometimes the accusations of pedophilia and incest are nothing more than a Trojan horse.

I will not come off anon. I will not tell you who I am. I can hear the war drums in the distance and I don’t care who’s right or wrong, I refuse to end up on a callout post. Because even if your intentions are just “hey watch out, I’m pretty sure this person’s a gross pedo, don’t interact with them”, and nothing more, there will be people who come harass me. People who may not even know either of us beyond the callout post. I have seen the aftermath of it, showing up well after the storm has passed without knowing anything about what they might’ve done, and they’re incredibly paranoid. One of them gets an incredibly high amount of hateful anons and reblogs for no apparent reason. Even on posts talking about something trivial like “if you put this spice in your ramen it’s actually really tasty”. Another sounds like they’re fighting tooth and nail with themself, just to respond to one anon calling them anything derogatory, without apologizing for daring to exist. Neither of them are pedophiles or support incest. How many times worse would it be if that was the reason someone was being harassed, even if it wasn’t true? I don’t want to find out.

I really don’t think you would intentionally start something like that. But you are not who I’m concerned about.

This is my last word on this. Do with it what you will. But stay safe. And ask questions when you’re told that something is an absolute certainty. There is very little in the human experience that is universal and solid, and things can be even more muddled on the internet.

I doubt you’ll take anything I have to say seriously now, but there is a lot of harm someone can do when they’re being guided by dishonest people under the pretense of moral purity.

anon what

what does any of this mean

33 PARAGRAPHS AND FOR WHAT??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANSSS

[gvf-stan]

Please read. I am here for help, not hate. 

Let me preface this with this is entirely a me issue and not a Josh issue. This is not big picture - it’s small picture. In no way do I wish he didn’t come out. 

I have been really struggling with Josh’s post. I hate that I’m even saying that. Let me explain. I am absolutely not anti lgbtq+. Let’s say, if my best friend or Danny came out I’d be shouting praise from the rooftops. This has more to do with being diehard Josh lane. Please understand that I HATE that I feel this way. I am being open and vulnerable in hopes that I can receive some helpful guidance. I don’t know where else to turn.  Truly. 

My heart fell to my stomach. It feels like my depression and anxiety are taking root again. I haven’t eaten since because I am sad. It’s like when you receive shocking news and it knocks your world off kilter. My heart hurts. I’ve never once thought I could pull him (don’t even live close enough to ever meet the guy!) but when I was fantasizing over him it just felt different when I imagined he would be interested in female genitalia. Now I can’t stop thinking about how he’s been giving head for 8 years. I don’t mean to sound vulgar - I’m really just trying to be clear and concise. It almost feels like I’m going through a breakup of sorts? Not necessarily with the band, but with my fantasies and original understanding of Josh? Why do I feel this way? I hate it! 

I can’t help but wonder if the majority of the super positive posts I read are from Jake/Sam/Danny lane? Are there really no other Josh laners that feel a little stung by this? Not angry with Josh, by any means, but hurt because change can be challenging. Can we be honest about this? It’s not hate - it’s real vulnerable feelings, even if we don’t like that we’re having them. I feel like irl we would be disappointed to find out someone we crush isn’t interested in us, no?

I was feeling and very much alone when I came across this fandom. I found happiness and fun here and i was really uplifted. It’s been my safe space for a while. I loved reading the Josh fics and now everyone is going to either take them down or stop writing them. 

I really don’t want to feel this way. Like, really! No one enjoys being upset. Will time help? I’m terrified that time won’t help. I haven’t listened to a song. I can’t look at pictures and I know that’s my trauma response. When an instagram story about him comes up I get anxious and nauseated from the anxiety. I can hardly focus. 

Please pass on your helpful words or guidance. I so want to move past this initial response my brain and body are having. 😔 I am feeling so so sad and I hate it. I’m hating me right now. 

[amporella]

KYLE BROFLOVSKI, STAN MARSH, AND THE FEMININE/MASCULINE QUESTION

(Or; In defense of feminine Kyle and masculine Stan)

(OR or; how Matt and Trey's outdated views prove their intentions for their characters...

...part 1.)

Normally, I would kick off the part of an essay like this above the ‘read more’ with a short summary, but given the complexity of this topic, I don’t think I can summarize it in the way it deserves in just a paragraph. Instead, I’ll start with this: it’s been a little over a year since I was freed from Tumblr shadowban hell, and nearly as long since I made my first original post on South Park tumblr. Since then, I’ve developed a pretty obvious brand in support of feminine Kyle, but I’ve never actually posted a meta justifying it. As such, consider this not a response to any discourse related to it, or a way of undermining the valid opinions that are being and have been shared, but instead as a long-overdue explanation as to why I see Kyle the way that I see him, and why I believe that interpretation is equally valid and equally progressive.

Thanks to everyone who’s shared their time and thoughts with me over the past year, regardless of how long I’ve known you, and let’s get into it!

INTRODUCTION:

Okay, HERE’s the introduction! As I type this from top to bottom, I expect it to turn out fairly long, so bear with me here: we’re going to need some exposition to explain the way I plan on going about this. I’m going to try and be concise!

i. A Bit of Background

Feminine Kyle has been a controversial topic within the South Park fandom for well over a decade, cementing itself as arguably one of the oldest ‘fanon vs canon’ debates within the fandom. Supporters, a wide group consisting of some of the most notable artists and writers in the fandom, insist the evidence is there; naysayers argue that not only is it not there, but that the mere existence of feminine Kyle reinforces old yaoi tropes, homophobia within fandoms, and most recently, antisemitic stereotypes. 

For better or worse, such a portrayal has dwindled in popularity within recent years, with fanart and portrayals from the earlier fandom days becoming the subject of ridicule. Several other portrayals accompany feminine Kyle into forced obscurity - jock Stan and edgy Craig, to name a few - but only the former has drawn such politically charged discussion. Needless to say, there is plenty to discuss when examining its validity. I intend to try and cover all my bases, but first, some clarification:

This is not an unbiased analysis: this is a meta in staunch support of feminine Kyle. As such, not every single moment for or against such a portrayal will be mentioned here: I intend here to establish why feminine Kyle is a reasonable interpretation, not why the opposite may also be true. I also do not intend to prove that feminine Kyle is absolute fact, or the only valid interpretation; while I personally choose to base my portrayal off of what I’ve listed here, choosing to disregard it is also a perfectly fine conclusion. These characters are ten, after all; there is no objectively correct way to portray them!

Secondly; this is a Kyle-centric meta, but it’s also going to include a fair bit of Stan. Declaring Kyle feminine has no point if we have no character to contrast him against; femininity requires masculinity to mean anything, and vice versa. There has to be some point of reference. As a result, this meta will unintentionally make a declaration on Stan’s femininity as well; just like above, accept and reject it as you wish! ‘Correct’ characterization in the South Park fandom is understandably murky.

Speaking of characterization, we first need to discuss why a long-winded meta like this one is even necessary. Why can’t we decide whether Kyle’s feminine? Surely that should be pretty obvious, right?

ii. Why can’t we come to an agreement?

Well… not really. That’s the problem!

Nearly everybody in this little section of the South Park fandom (by which I mean the non-dudebro section) is progressive, which is a good thing. But that also makes femininity a really difficult concept to nail down. Here’s what Oxford Languages has to say about it:

Okay, straightforward enough. But what attributes are characteristic of women? That’s where we come across our problem; there really aren’t any. Many of the traits (at least personality wise) society used to consider characteristic of women are misogynistic stereotypes, or exist solely as a way to justify gender roles; as such, we can’t designate femininity based on personality traits, which is a great thing for society as a whole and a bad thing for the simplicity of my South Park meta.

Consider this example: being easily grossed out to the point of fear was, in the past, considered to be a trait typical of women. Consider all those boomer comics you’ve seen about women being afraid of mice. Surely then a reasonable conclusion would be that Kyle’s irrational disgust/fear of pee would be a feminine trait. But that conclusion actually isn’t reasonable, because we now know that isn’t necessarily a female-exclusive trait; as such, that interpretation is misogynistic and can be disregarded. Do you see what I mean? It’s really not that easy.

But I actually have a way to make that work. It is going to require some inception. Keep that in mind while we segue to another relevant question:

iii. What is effective characterization?

We talked about characterization a little bit above, but now we need to talk about it again: namely, how do you characterize a character? How many times will I say the word character in this essay?

This question doesn’t just apply to South Park: I mean this for all shows, but most specifically the long ones, and the ones with questionable track records in episode quality. We have all watched something and thought “he would not fucking say that”, even when the person who made him fucking say that was the creator themselves. How do we reconcile that with our vision of a character, especially when such a character assassination is often unintentional? Do we take everything the character does or says at face value by rating all of their behaviors as equal in the characterization scheme, or do we look deeper?

I think the answer needs to be the second one: we need to take characterization by intention, rather than what the character actually says. Generally, a creator will have an intention for their characters, whether that’s in personality, arc, or both. They typically have a plan for some aspects of the character, even in episodic shows like South Park, and they try not to diverge from that plan. For example, Kyle’s reaction will often differ as he is faced with differing events (as real life people do), but he reacts in a similar way, fueled by his consistent morals: he never responds in a Kyle way one episode and in a Cartman way in another. He always reacts like Kyle would, and rarely wavers from his fairly consistent characterization. It is clear that when planning Kyle’s responses to things, they do not start with a blank slate.

That’s the perspective we need to take on when viewing this; we need to look at these characters from the way Matt and Trey intended for them to be looked at, and we need to look at them with the perspective that Matt and Trey had. Segue over: let’s go back to the main point. Keep that in mind.

iv. How do we fix our dilemma?

You don’t really need to keep it in mind, because I’m going to say it again right here: we need to view the characters with the perspective Matt and Trey had. This applies to everything characterization related, including femininity. What makes Matt and Trey’s perception of femininity different from our own?

Well, that’s easy: they’re from a different generation, for one. They’re old white guys, for another. They naturally have different views on femininity than we do, because they have different (often shittier) views on women than we do! Matt and Trey have had some good takes, but their takes on women rarely fall into that category. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to deal with those takes for now if we want to draw a conclusion, because those are what we have to go by when deciding femininity. 

We’re putting on the Matt and Trey goggles for this meta. What do they think femininity is? How would they portray a feminine character? What would a feminine character look like in their eyes? When judging characterization by intention, which I plan on doing throughout this meta, we need to Become Old White Men. 

(That same reasoning is why I’ll essentially be using women and feminine people interchangeably throughout this essay; Matt and Trey tend to associate femininity exclusively with women or flamboyant gay men, and the way they portray them is often the same. Needless to say, those terms are not interchangeable in real life; I only use them as such here both because of the above reasoning and to try and shorten this behemoth of a meta.)

From Matt and Trey’s perspective, it would be much less ludicrous that women would be more easily grossed out; that is the common consensus among men of their generation, and they haven’t proved themselves to be more enlightened than the rest, so we’ll go with that common consensus. From their perspective, Kyle disliking pee would be a feminine trait; therefore, giving that trait to Kyle implies that, in that episode, Matt and Trey viewed him as feminine and intentionally portrayed him that way. This argument becomes stronger once the rest of his traits are considered, which we’ll do throughout this essay. From this point forward, I'll clarify that this is from Matt and Trey’s point of view less often for brevity; assume that unless I clarify it's from mine, it's from theirs. 

Understandably, there may be some issues with this, namely: doesn’t temporarily taking on this perspective and then proceeding to label Kyle as feminine based on stereotypes imply that you agree with those stereotypes? To which I say: no, not really. You can take the intention (femininity, in this case) and disregard the bad that comes along with it: you can essentially claim Kyle as a feminine character without acknowledging what may be flawed reasoning on behalf of the creator, and choose to draw your own conclusions based off of that. I’ll explain this in more detail at the end. 

So, that’s the introduction! But we still have one more thing we need to talk about before we can move onto the actual meat of the essay.

We need to talk about creek.

THE CREEK INTERLUDE.

Why do we need to talk about creek in a Kyle-centric meta, besides that I like talking about creek? The answer is that Matt and Trey’s views on creek answer a very reasonable question, that being: Why do we have reason to assume that Matt and Trey would intend for any of them to be feminine? Why do we have reason to believe the idea of femininity in relation to their male characters would even cross their mind?

Creek is our reason! 

i. The Masculine/Feminine Divide

Consider Matt and Trey’s audio commentary for Put It Down, starting at :52. "One person wanting, which is usually the woman... who flips out a bit more about things emotionally, and generally the man is a bit more, like... not responsive to emotion, and just wants to problem solve. And we have had experience with that…"

Through that commentary, Matt and Trey have already assigned ‘roles’ to Tweek and Craig within the context of the episode; namely, Tweek being the woman and Craig being the man based on their behavior throughout the episode. Obviously, the stereotypes they suggest above very often aren’t true, and a gay man in a relationship is in no way ‘the woman’ regardless of femininity, but they reference them nonetheless, and this helps our case for three reasons:

It confirms that Matt and Trey view some characters as more ‘woman-like’ than others, even just within the context of a single episode: ie, more feminine than others. It shows that they take femininity into account when viewing character behavior, and it is possible they have done so with other male child characters than Tweek.

Furthermore, it shows that the above behavior is intentional; they’ve intentionally made one character more ‘woman-like’ than the other. Matt and Trey admitting that they “have had experience with that” implies that they, on some level, based the episode off of their own experience: hence, Tweek was intended to play the role of ‘the woman’ from the beginning of the episode. It is therefore possible they intended this with other episodes.

The parallels between Stan/Craig and Kyle/Tweek, and on a larger scale, style and creek as relationships, are obvious. The fact that creek exists in the Matt and Trey collective brain as a masculine/feminine relationship implies that their platonic parallel, Stan and Kyle, has the potential to exist in the same way. 

I don’t personally think that Tweek is at all intended to be feminine throughout the series in the same way that Kyle is - Tweek’s meth-driven paranoia is a far cry from Kyle’s natural neuroticism (a trait which, while not inherently feminine, is obviously such within the eyes of Matt and Trey) - but within the context of that episode, the point stands. It also gives us something to look for: contrast. If Kyle is feminine, going by Matt and Trey’s way of portraying relationships, he must have a masculine counterpart. This part is easy. 

STAN MARSH, ALL AMERICAN BOY:

When looking for traditional masculinity within the main four, Stan is our guy. Despite possibly being the most sensitive out of the group, the remainder of Stan’s traits, behaviors, and interests line up exactly with the typical perspective of what masculinity looks like. His consistency with this makes Kyle’s deviation even more remarkable.

i. Personality

So far, we’ve mostly talked about masculinity and femininity in reference to personality, so it only makes sense to start there with Stan. First, let’s consider the trait that Matt and Trey explicitly mentioned they consider masculine:

“Not responsive to emotion, and just wants to problem solve.”

We don’t even need to look through the series for evidence of this one: South Park Studios themselves confirmed it on Stan’s SPandMe results, a quiz intended to connect quiz-takers with their respective South Park character. 

“You are an average all-American person, and despite your crazy surroundings, you remain levelheaded.” 

Remaining levelheaded in crazy surroundings essentially boils down to being not responsive to sudden, situation-driven emotion, especially in the context of Put It Down, where Craig is able to step back from Tweek’s emotion-driven response to a crazy situation and consider it in a levelheaded way. Stan often tends to perform the same duty for Kyle as Craig does for Tweek in that episode, serving the role of someone to vent to in stressful situations.

Now that we’ve checked Matt and Trey’s explicitly mentioned perception of masculinity off the list, let’s consider some other traditionally ‘masculine’ personality traits: regardless of whether they’ve been explicitly mentioned, it’s a fair assumption that they’ve considered a few other traits within the ‘masculinity’ vein. 

Quick to Threats: Stan has a tendency to be levelheaded, as mentioned above, but when angered he can jump straight to threats of violence; this serves as a contrast to Kyle, who tends to respond verbally instead. Consider this moment in Passion of the Jew: 

While Stan actually gives Cartman a fair amount of time to ‘take it back’ before he resorts to active threats of violence, he still does so much quicker than Kyle has ever done in the past; Kyle, by comparison, tends to insult normally. Stan, when pushed by Cartman, responds with threats within a few lines of dialogue: Kyle, when pushed by Cartman, has only legitimately snapped a few times over the course of 25 years of harassment. 

Another example would be in Cash For Gold, where Stan jumps to telling the jewelry salesman to kill himself without any prior conversation; unlike Kyle, who typically makes efforts to negotiate first, Stan resorts to threats.

Also consider Stan’s behavior in Stick of Truth, in which upon the character’s arrival into the Elf Kingdom, Stan is immediately ready to get into a fight to defend Kyle; as the character approaches Kyle, he threatens them by punching his fist. His method of protectiveness often boils down to violence on behalf of the people he cares about, and he takes personal affronts, or affronts to those people, extremely seriously. Kyle, on the other hand, is defensive rather than offensive in terms of protectiveness, and cares more about the wider populace instead of mostly the people directly relevant to his life; we’ll get into that more later.

This is a trait heavily associated with masculinity throughout history, and throughout media: masculine characters in shows, books, and movies are often the ones shown to pick fights rather than verbally negotiate. This trait is even shown through Craig, who’s already established as “the man”; throughout the first few seasons especially, he threatens other characters once aggravated instead of communicating. 

Leadership Ability: Obvious disclaimer is that this trait in particular is not exclusively male, or even largely male (just like every other trait I’ve mentioned), but the world continues even to this day to associate leadership qualities with traditionally masculine qualities, and I have reason to believe that Matt and Trey do the same thing. Let’s go through a few episodes in which Stan is staunchly placed as the leader for some examples:

Stan, as a character who is often the protagonist of the show as a whole, naturally falls into the leadership role within The Boys. In this way, he once again serves as a contrast to Craig, who is obviously the leader of his own game; the official wiki goes so far as to call them Craig and Those Guys. An example of this would be in South Park Is Gay, in which Stan approaches Craig first to try and one-up him, and another more subtle example would be in Good Times With Weapons, in which Stan’s leadership is demonstrated just by him being front and center in front of Craig’s door.

He also serves as the lead detective in Lil’ Crime Stoppers, and tends to be the leader of his respective sports team, being chosen as both quarterback and pitcher in football and baseball respectively. On a larger scale, Stan becomes Captain in Whale Whores, where he is revered for actually making things happen in comparison to the previous Captain. 

South-park-meta also has a great description of why Stan’s a leader which you can find here, which mentions a few things that I haven’t. 

Stan in a leadership role comes up over and over again, and while I normally wouldn’t consider this a strong enough piece of evidence to bring up on its own, Stan’s other masculine traits (which I’ll be getting to shortly, outside of the personality department) make me believe that it’s intentional. This is especially relevant when the leadership within the girls is also considered: while the groups of boys tend to have a very obvious leader, the girls fluctuate often between Wendy and Bebe, with Matt and Trey unable to even keep the leader of the Pleases and Sparkles Club consistent. The fact that the boys tend to have leaders and the girls don’t leads me to believe that Matt and Trey do see leadership as a masculine trait.

Superficiality & Ego: To be clear before we start this section, I do think that Stan is legitimately very sensitive. He is my sensitive little guy. But he does have a tendency to be superficial with some issues, often unable to grasp the bigger picture, especially when failing to grasp the issue tends to benefit him specifically. 

Consider his behavior in A Scause For Applause. Initially, Stan has no clue who the farmers are or what they stand for, and is labeled a hero simply because he likes his wristband and doesn’t intend on taking it off. However, as soon as he essentially becomes a celebrity, he pretends to be extremely passionate about the cause, despite the fact that it is all ���bullcrap” to him. Stan is hugely empathetic, but only towards people that are close to him, or issues that are relevant to him (such as the whales, as he loves animals): he couldn’t care less about the farmers in Belarus, but relishes in the attention he’s getting because of it.

Another example of this would be in Butterballs, where Stan behaves in essentially the same way: he joins the anti-bullying campaign not because he is passionate about the issue, but because he’s being taunted and he wants to prove that he’s a leader, or, as Bucky Bailey says, a “big man”. His pride is extremely important to him, which is part of the reason why he steps up. As Stan starts to make the anti-bullying video increasingly about him, Kyle sees through him and points it out.

Once again, his ego drives him rather than genuine passion for the issue: his actual interest in it is superficial at best and serves only to fuel his ego. Both qualities are heavily associated with masculinity, and toxic masculinity in particular: as Stan gets pissed at Kyle in both episodes, that side of him and the anger accompanying it begins to show. We’ve now accepted those traits are generally bad, but they were often praised as a key part of manliness in the past: them continuing to be associated with masculinity in Matt and Trey’s mind would be very plausible.

ii. ‘Manly’ Interests

Stan’s one of the most fleshed out characters throughout the series in terms of interests, but he does have one that shows up more prominently than any other: sports! I’ve gone into exactly how frequently it pops up for him in my Jock Stan meta, so I won’t go into it now, but I highly suggest reading that if you’re interested. Furthermore, that’s also why I’m not going to be using basketball as a masculine justification for Kyle; from what I’ve found, it’s just not as relevant to his character.

Sports are widely considered to be an interest associated with men, and particularly, masculinity; while the gender split among people who are passionate about sports is much less divisive than the media would lead you to believe, few people associate anything other than women’s sports with women. Football in particular is typically considered a man’s sport, and has its heavy associations with toxic masculinity: the traits valued within football tend also to be the traits that our society values specifically within men, those traits typically boiling down to strength and competitiveness. As mentioned above, the desire to compete and show off (particularly with Craig, also considered to be the respective ‘leader’ of his group) is a trait much more heavily associated with Stan than Kyle; it leads me to believe those traits and his interest in football paired together are not a coincidence.

Another one of Stan’s larger interests are animals, which he consistently feels passionate about, but more specifically dogs. He’s shown to love Sparky dearly, with the first Stan-centric episode of the series having Stan’s crisis about Sparky as a main factor, and he even accompanies Stan in Stick of Truth for one of his attacks. I mention this because while a love of animals is often associated with women, or femininity, dogs specifically are consistently associated with men; when the term “man’s best friend” was coined, they were not considering ‘man’ as the wider mankind. Dogs are so heavily associated with masculinity that people naturally assume dogs that they meet are male, and that the large majority of dogs in fiction ARE male. The association between dogs and masculinity is actually a necessity for Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride to work as an episode: Stan valuing “butchness” and wanting Sparky to behave in such a way acts as his main conflict throughout the episode.

While this last one is not quite as relevant to Stan’s overall character as the previous two, it’s frequently brought up as a “counter” to Stan’s sportiness, so I still find it relevant to bring up. Board games, which are certainly less associated with manliness than sports, are still an extremely male sport, particularly dominated by white males (with 93% of board game designers being white men); I am inclined to believe that Matt and Trey knew this, which was why Nichole, and the rest of the girls, stood out so much. They even address this within the episode, which has most of the boy gamers (excluding Stan, who is more open to girls joining the group) rejecting the girls who want to play. Even Stan’s least traditionally masculine interest is centered around manliness within the episode.

Is it coincidence that when Matt and Trey selected interests for their characters, they chose interests heavily associated with masculinity for Stan? Probably not. Again, these interests aren’t necessarily male-exclusive, nor do they even necessarily lean towards men in reality, but from the perspective of two older men like Matt and Trey, they ARE masculine traits. The fact that Stan is given those traits specifically while the other characters are not is heavily indicative of their intention; namely, to make Stan an obviously masculine character.

iii. Appearance

I swear we’re almost done with an insanely long Stan section in what’s supposed to be a Kyle meta. I may have to change the title.

The last thing we’re going to be looking at with Stan in regards to masculinity is appearance: how does he present himself? When he chooses roles in games, how traditionally masculine are they? Let’s start with his Stick of Truth role: Stan Marshwalker.

During Stick of Truth, Stan serves as Kyle’s devoted, protective knight: as I already mentioned above, he’s ready to pick a fight with the player just for looking at him. But even beyond his behavior, his appearance is undeniably masculine; knights were the ideal of manhood and masculinity for quite a long time, hence the trope of a knight saving a princess from a castle. Especially back when knights were a Thing, there was nothing more traditionally masculine than waving a huge sword around and fighting a dragon to defend someone’s honor. Stan doesn’t defend the honor of any princesses in Stick of Truth, but he does offer to duel Tolkien on what’s implied to be Kyle’s behalf, which could be easily interpreted as a parallel.

The knight motif comes up again in the episode Make Love, Not Warcraft, in which Stan’s selected character is this: a muscular, masculine presenting knight. I’m leaving this section a little short because I’m going to be bringing it up again when we get to Kyle , but keep Stan’s appearance here in mind. 

Stan’s next most relevant character is Toolshed, from Stick of Truth:

Stan’s TFBW costume, who is essentially a handyman, is less ingrained in society as traditionally masculine than a knight, but still is a heavily male dominated field: in the United States, 96% of handymen are men. While less symbolic than a knight, handymen can be considered masculine even considering only that trait; they are heavily associated with men, which is essentially the definition of masculinity from the Matt and Trey perspective.

Stan has a ton of alter egos throughout the series, but we’re already at 4k words so I’m going to keep this section as brief as I can. The only other real thing of note here is that Stan seems to associate ripping off his sleeves with strength, as he opts to go ripped sleeveless in both Good Times With Weapons and as Stan The Man in W.T.F. 

iv. Conclusion

What can we conclude from the above information, and how does it have any relevance at all to Kyle?

Firstly, we can conclude that Stan Marsh, in personality, interests, and appearances, was given traditionally masculine traits by Matt and Trey. Furthermore, we can conclude that due to Matt and Trey’s mention of masculinity and femininity within Tweek and Craig, this is not a coincidence; his masculinity was intentional. Finally, we can assume that Matt and Trey genuinely believe these traditionally masculine traits to be legitimately masculine: as in, it is unlikely they gave him these traits with any other intention than making it clear he was a masculine character.

Okay, so we’re done with Stan! Mostly. He’ll come up a little more later. But why did we need to spend this long talking about the character who isn’t even the main guy in this essay? I know I talked a little about it above, but surely I have more of a reason than that? Well, it’s because of what Matt and Trey said in the commentary for Kenny Dies, around the 42 minute mark.

“A couple weeks before this, the idea was that we were going to kill Kyle, remember, and we'd make it a big thing - we'll kill Kyle, and Butters will step in... it always seemed to us that Kyle and Stan were really similar... so let's kill off one of those two."

As of Season 6, Stan and Kyle were too similar. In order to justify keeping Kyle on the show, they needed to draw an actual distinction between the two of them. Before this point, Stan had already been established as South Park’s masculine, golden football boy since his very first episode, so what would be the most effective way of differentiating Kyle from Stan in a consistent way?

The answer would be to give Kyle feminine traits to contrast Stan’s masculine ones. It required leaning hard on some aspects of the character, but it obviously worked: Kyle is still here, widely loved, and often very different than the way he was before season 6. If we can prove that Stan was intentionally given masculine traits, we have even more of a reason to believe that Kyle may be given feminine traits to separate their personalities, and we’ve already proved that! Now we need to prove that Kyle was actually given those feminine traits, and we’ll start right now.

...by which I mean tomorrow, when I post the second half of this. Please hold your applause and/or complaints until then, because you really need the second half to tie the whole thing together and actually come to some concrete conclusions.

You can read part 2 here!

[mikhailwrites]

Waiting for Connection 4 / Ghost x Soap NerdAU

Ghost is retired and plays milsim videogame. Soap is still in the force and sometimes plays that same videogame...

Previous chapter | AO3

Soap seems to be a busy man, only playing for an hour or two in the evening a couple of days a week if he’s lucky. Sometimes, he doesn’t play for a week. Or two. Ghost understands, of course. He knows how it is, which doesn’t mean he’s not feeling a little sorry every time he starts Steam, looks at his very short Friendslist and sees CallMeSoap in the “Offline” section of it.

Truth be told, it took one week for Ghost to get used to Soap; to finetune his own playstyle to Soap’s, to count on him having his six or be wherever Ghost needs him to be. To do a good job. Even though they are still playing with random people, the two of them usually carry the brunt of the mission due to their sheer efficiency, teamwork and skill.

On days Ghost plays without Soap, he notices the skill gap even more than before. And has even less patience for it, too. Until, one evening, he actually argues full-on with his teammates. Ghost is not petty or anything; he just… wants a taste of his old life, not to educate sixteen-year-old airsoft enthusiasts on the importance of clear and concise communication. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sixteen-year-old airsoft enthusiast. Ghost simply has no patience for it.

After a few very not-fun games, he decides to give it a rest and only plays solo. Unfortunately, there is a reason why he started with multiplayer in the first place. The only advantage of AI teammates is that they’re not as chaotic. However, they are as daft as they come.

Ghost quits the game after the third death that evening. However, he pauses over the Quit the game button. Instead, Ghost shifts his hand, and the cursor selects “Editor”. Despite all the hours spent in the game, he’s never tried to create his own scenario. Who would he play it with, anyway?

Only now, he actually has a mate to play with. He could prepare something interesting for when Soap gets back from whatever hellhole he is currently deployed to. If there’s something Ghost has an abundance of, it’s combat experience, particularly in special operations.

Ghost smiles as the mission editor opens. Oh, he’s going to enjoy this.

“I’ve created some custom missions for two players; wanna try it out?” Ghost says, trying to sound like he didn’t spend about twenty hours recreating one of his oldest missions. There are enough changes to allow for plausible deniability, but it’s been about twenty years. He can’t imagine anybody giving a shit now.

“What kind of question is that? Bring it on, old man!” Soap exclaims, clearly excited. Ghost doesn’t comment on the fact that he’s been called old. It’s a provocation to get him to admit how old he really is, and Simon is not falling for it.

“Eager, Soap?” Ghost smirks. “Equip some explosives with remotes and an SMG with a silencer.”

“We going dark, Ghost? And in close quarters? Oh, I like it already,” Soap’s voice gains a darker, grittier quality.

“Let’s see how good you really are,” Simon smiles, watching as the game drops their avatars to an unknown terrain in the middle of the night -unknown to Soap, at least. They’re in a small clearing in the middle of a dense tropical forest.

“Five Ks away is a small settlement. A local drug cartel has a heavy presence in the village. Our target is a VIP hostage.”

“So we will need a diversion,” Soap notes, and Ghost can only imagine the devious grin on his face. Face he’s never seen. Soap sounds like someone who is open about their emotions. He has no issue laughing, and when he’s pissed, his voice drops and gains a gravelly quality to it that Ghost admits he rather likes. “What will be your job?”

“I’ll be covering you from a distance,” Ghost says as he equips his favourite sniper rifle. There’s a pistol in his thigh holster, too, just in case.

Soap’s avatar lowers their night vision. “You know, I have yet to meet someone in this game who is a decent sniper. People think it’s so bloody easy, just lay in the grass, scope and shoot,” Soap complains.

“I’d be very careful about what you want to imply. Soap, wouldn’t want any friendly fire happening, would we?” Ghost smirks, clicking the magazine back into the rifle.

“Absolutely not, sir.”

Watching Soap work through the scope of the sniper rifle is something else. Especially since it’s just a game. There are no stakes, so Ghost can simply watch and marvel. He would never admit just how impressed he is when he watches Soap sneak around enemy patrols or wait until they come to them, only to jump them with a knife and dispose of them quickly.

Ghost is doing his part, of course. Whenever anyone could come close to surprising Soap, Ghost takes care of them. In one instance, it’s a very close call. Soap is about to open the door to one of the small, single-story houses in search of their VIP hostage when Ghost notices there’s an armed man standing right behind them. It’s too late to warn Soap. Ghost makes a judgement call and shoots the Tango through the window.

It causes noise, of course, and noise attracts attention.

“Alright, let’s bring in some light, shall we?” Ghost asks as he sees multiple hostiles closing in on Soap’s position.

“And there shall be light,” Soap says as he activates the charges he’s set earlier under the car at the edge of the village.

The explosion is spectacular by military standards. It’s no Hollywood fireworks, but it’s big, bright and loud—more than enough to divert attention from Soap.

Ghost checks the surrounding area. “Clear, let’s finish this up, Soap.”

“It’ll be my pleasure, Ghost,” Soap agrees as he sweeps the house for the hostage. This is the last house they haven’t checked, so the VIP must be there. Somewhere.

Ghost is doing his best to check the inside of the house through the windows, but there are still a lot of blind spots.

The moment he catches a glimpse of movement, he knows it’s too late. “Soap!”

He hears a series of silenced shots, then an audible exhale. “That was close, Ghost. I thought you had my six. I did, however, find our package. Heading out now.”

Ghost watches as Soap exits the building, cautiously looking around before he gestures for the hostage to follow. Simon is keeping a close eye on the burning car, the sizeable crowd that gathered around it, and any possible complications. The AI is, however, not that good at improvising and Soap’s retreat is as smooth as it can get.

They venture back into the forest and to the exfil point at a safe distance from the settlement.

“I’d say this is at least worth a first-name basis, Ghost,” Soap says, clearly cheerful. And Ghost? Well, Ghost has to admit he’s actually happy as well. This was his first custom mission, one he actually did in real life, and not only could he revisit it, but he could do it with a friend, a skilled one at that. It’s been the most thrilling thing he’s experienced in a year, maybe even longer. Perhaps he could indulge Soap a little.

“Alright,” Ghost relents. “On one condition. You go first.”

“Obviously,” Soap laughs but quietens fast. “I’m John.”

“Simon.”

There are a few seconds of silence. “Simon? Not what I expected.”

Ghost chuckles. “And what, pray tell, did you expect?”

“I’ll tell you if you tell me how old you are,” Soap doesn’t miss a beat.

“Trying to gauge whether I’m old enough to play this game, John?”

“You guessed it!” Soap laughs.

“I’m feeling generous tonight. I’m thirty-eight.”

“Huh,” Soap huffs, and it sounds genuinely surprised. However, he doesn’t say anything about Ghost being an old man, which is good. “Okay, that’s fair. As for the name… I expected something… harder, I guess? Maybe Craig? Or Robert?”

“Fuckin’ hell…, I sound like a Craig to you, do I?” Simon groans. He never felt strongly about his name. It’s okay. It's not horrible, but it's nothing to get too excited about. When he thinks about it, he feels the same about John. It’s… fine. Ordinary in the same way a quaint little house in the countryside is.

“Well, no, I guess you don’t. But… Simon is actually nice. I like Simon. Simon,” Soap repeats the name several times as if to get used to its taste and sound.

Ghost actually sits back, frowning as he realises he’s got goosebumps. What the hell?

[can-of-w0rmz]

Silly rant about how much I hate the school system but it’s long and angry so

School is so fucking insufferable, you’ll try talk to a teacher getting paid to teach you for two seconds and to complain about the workload and explain your other subjects and they’ll patronise you to death treating you like an overwhelmed 5 year old. I shit you not, I genuinely just asked to talk to two of my teachers for five fucking minutes to ask about them cutting back a bit on mandatory revision so I could do it during study leave to make time for more important subjects, and explained as factually and concisely as possible, and got told to “calm down and breathe” like 500 times while I was fucking talking. One of them I shit you not tried to get me to do fucking breathing exercises with her and repeat back what I was going to do, what in the actual fuck, I was genuinely getting so pissed off and I’m still mad about it lmao, all I need is a “ok 👍 I trust you, I’ll cut back on the mandatory revision homework for you and you focus on your other subject that’re pressing right now”, not to get treated like a first year in special ed.

Teachers have always been like this fr and it’s genuinely been getting to me for fucking years. You’ll go to them about anything trying to have a really really normal conversation and they’ll treat you like you’re completely fucking inept. Throwback to the time my vice principal told me off for “talking back to her” by telling her that a girl getting sexually harassed being her fault made no sense, to the time she found out I was suicidal and fucking schizing (recently actually) and went “are we not having such a good day today? :(“ and also asked if harming myself made me feel good and then went “no, I didn’t think so :(“. Oh and for good measure, throwback to the time the girls in my year were told they couldn’t wear leggings in PE bc it “distracts the male staff” and the time they called all the girls (or afab people lmfao) into the hall to tell us we were “asking for it” bc of rolling up skirts and makeup and made everyone who had them take off makeup/nails and roll down skirts one by one. And that shits just commonplace in schools fr it fucking makes me want to kill myself tbh although I vastly prefer directly insulting a full room of 14 year olds calling them whores to treating mentally ill or VAGUELY stressed people like actual fucking children. Call me a schizo freak and get it over with fr. Genuinely fucking thought this shit would end by sixth form, apparently not! Yeah everyone else in the school looks at me like an adult, and you lot keep saying we’re “young adults” now, and oh yeah sure I can legally get married, have a job, generally am above the age of consent, I’m learning to drive, but oh no! Still have to get not just treated like a kid, but baby-ed. At this point I don’t even feel patronised, I feel fucking insulted.

A different time one of those teachers asked me if I was going out with my female friend while I was trying to express concern for them because they’d pretty much gone missing (it’s complicated), and when I said no they then asked me if I wanted to, which I’ve never fucking gotten over bc why the fuck would you ask me that, but that’s by the by

Can’t wait to leave the school system behind forever fr.

[jamietarttsnorthernattitude]

Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

Tagged by the talented @kvetchinglyneurotic

1. How many fandoms have you written in?

One! Two if you count the truly bad LOTR fic I wrote in high school.

2. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

I wrote a story or two in high school and then nothing for a long time. I started really writing almost a year ago (just looked published my first fic on 5/21)

3. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

Writing because I basically only read Ted Lasso fan fiction recently and it’s just slowed its output.

4. What is one way you've improved as a writer?

I’ve learned to outline a bit more than just winging it like I did for so long. I’m not sure if there’s a specific thing I’ve improved on, just generally I think (I hope).

5. What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

How to make chloroform lol but mostly just injury related things, spleen removal, stuff like that. Total normal whump writer things.

6. What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I truly love any and all comments, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I loved the long, detailed type with quotes, etc but I also love the ones that are just a sentence of reaction like one I got that just said “good fucking fic” and I LOVED that.

7. What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

My online circle contains a lot of whump-enthusiasts but probably whump although gen stories sometimes feel very fringe.

8. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

All of them? I can’t do anything short, which is why whumptober was so hard to get though, I want the whump but then I want the comfort and I just don’t know how to write something concise that is satisfying to me.

9. What is the easiest type?

I don’t know if I find anything about writing easy. Different parts of the story are easier than others but I haven’t found a type that is easy.

10. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

Wherever I can, but usually from my couch. I use google docs but have wanted to look into other platforms but none seem to have exactly what I want. Whenever my brain tells me to write.

11. What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

Hockey AU for sure, along with an idea I have for a post-series fic where Michelle and Henry move to London and Ted stays.

12. What made you choose your username?

I was looking for a new one that I could use here and on ao3. When I mentioned this to the brilliant @jamiesfootball they suggested something to incorporate my love of Noah Kahan (many many of my titles are from his songs) so jamietarttsnorthernattitude was born. I’d like to think Jamie and I share a Northern Attitude.

Trying to tag who hasn’t been tagged but these things spread quickly and I might have missed people so trying @fanficfanattic @jamiepoptart @nativestarwrites @lunar-years @providing-leverage and anyone else who would like to play

[gayhoediaz]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @shitouttabuck & @gracieryder 🙏✨

how many works do you have on ao3?

currently it’s at 60, but i have orphaned and deleted a lot of them over the years.

what’s your total ao3 wordcount?

1,046,863

what fandoms do you write for?

currently 9-1-1 & better call saul!

top 5 fics by kudos:

i like you so much (it’s kinda gross)

still

of bakesales and overdue realizations

epiphanies, soft words, and hushed moans at the brink of dawn

gettin’ bi

do you respond to comments?

depends on the fandom! on my lacho fics, i tend to respond a lot more, because it’s a much smaller fandom and it’s easier to keep up. i don’t respond as much on my buddie/bucktommy fics because the comments roll in faster and i feel bad responding to some but not all and then i feel like it’s been too long and just- ah. but i read each and every one and i’m twirling my hair and giggling, kicking my feet.

what’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

for whom the bell tolls

what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i usually do happy endings, so i can’t quite pick one!

do you get hate on fics?

meh. at times. a couple times a year, if that.

do you write smut?

have we met

craziest crossover?

i’ve never posted a crossover but i have a lot of them in my head always. tommy kinard x jesse pinkman my beloved. someday.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

oh yes. not in a while though as far as i’m aware.

have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!! but i don’t remember which one it was and i can’t find it so i assume it’s one of the ones i deleted or orphaned.

have you ever co-written a fic before?

yes

all time favorite ship?

buddie and lacho tied, they’re completely different vibes. if i had to pick i think it would be lacho.

what’s a wip you want to finish but doubt that you will?

the buddie fic where they struggle to have sex for the first time cause there’s so much pressure and they both can’t get it up. it’s at 15k atm but i haven’t touched it in months.

what are your writing strength?

characterization, i’d say. it’s the most important thing to me, i work really hard on it and i think it pays off. if i write a line i need to be able to hear them say it in my head.

what’s your writing weakness?

i can’t be concise for shit. if they fuck for 2 hours you will sit there and read it for 2 hours i don’t know how to do anything differently.

thoughts on dialogue in a different language?

once again, since characterization is so important to me, if the character regularly speaks a different language in canon, my fics will reflect it. not only do i have lalo speaking a lot of spanish in my lacho fics, but i also try to research and ask my friends to make it as close to his actual vocabulary as possible.

first fandom you wrote for?

jack x ennis from brokeback mountain i believe?

favorite fic you have written?

for whom the bell tolls. still is good also but it’s older and i think i would have written it better if wrote it today. everyone should read for whom the bell tolls. it’s not that long, you don’t have to know anything about lalo or nacho, if you like my writing you’re gonna like that story i promise.

no pressure tags: @lesbiankinard @starkguzman @wh0re-behavi0r @eddiediazisascorpio @homerforsure @bucktommys @buckttommy @rewritetheending @like-the-rest-of-la

[ghostpunkrock]

more things I’ve been thinking about, really not trying to clog up the dash

truly sorry to be making so many posts about this but if you’ve been following for a hot minute you already know how much I enjoy them so I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole mess and just how so so so sad I feel for them. Like I can’t imagine what steven must be feeling seeing all that blatant racism directed at him all over a video company that he runs with his friends and he’s put so many of his own creative passion projects on a back burner just to keep them afloat and now having to find out that so many people hate him for it and think he’s the unnecessary third wheel and have just been waiting for a chance to unleash all of that hatred at him. And I’ve also been thinking about ryan a lot like out of the 3 of them he’s the one who’s most open about his mental health struggles and literally every year during making watcher he talks about how scared he is that people won’t like the things he makes and they’ll all turn on him and how worried he is that he’ll let down his friends who he convinced to start this business with him, and then to literally see so many people suddenly say that they don’t like anything he’s ever made at all at watcher and that he should’ve just stayed at buzzfeed making powerpoints, like his worst fear is literally coming to life around him. I really just feel so heartbroken for him.

Like I think the extremity of the internet reaction is due in a large part to the overly-familiar parasocial relationship a lot of fans have cultivated with them (partly under their own encouragement, but that’s thoughts I have for maybe a different time) that turned into this feeling of deeply personal betrayal, but it’s still baffling to me bc if you really did care for them enough to feel this betrayed, how could you also not feel any sympathy towards them? Like yeah obviously casual viewers never actually gave a shit about them as people and they’re showing that, but if you really were following them closely you should know all of this. It’s one thing to disagree with them, but how could you not feel any sympathy?

A common criticism I’m seeing is “they didn’t give any thought to their audience they didn’t think about how this would affect us and they didn’t care about our support or our feelings” and I think that sentiment is a normal human reaction sure, but I also think that in a creator/consumer (more like artist/viewer) relationship that really should go both ways. I think the “bullying works” jokes in this circumstance are tasteless bc it trivializes the feelings of real human people. This wasn’t getting neilman to make the gay angel/demon kiss, people were not just insulting the core of these guys’ livelihoods but publicly and loudly defaming their characters (and also coming after their families! like holy shit!). Like sure they broke trust with their audience that they will have to work to repair, but also the amount of confidence they’ll have to rebuild before they create anything new again… idk I don’t have a concise point I’m just trying to say that as someone who really supported and admired what they were doing I can’t help but feel really really sad for them. This must be so devastating

[coldresolve]

Please engage with this anon ask in good faith. I know I'm almost repeating what another anon said but I'm giving my own opinion on this topic, and hopefully in a more concise way.

I personally think you're clashing with the whump community or being ignored by people who follow you on the torture apologia post due to a difference in how whump is seen by you and your audience.

For exemple, I don't know your instance on people who write rape erotica, stalking erotica, or kidnapping erotica. People who write this stuff to exclusively jack off are not writing it as a realistic portrayal of these topics, nor do I think they're rape, stalking or kidnapping apologists for writing the way they do. Hell, visit the yandere erotica side of Tumblr and you'll see that.

It's engaging in bad faith and not engaging with the genre properly to read this kind of writing and then accuse them of being apologists. 

Now the whump community, as someone who has been here regularly in the last few years, feels in it's majority as a non sexual torture porn community. With that I mean they write whump in the same way one would write a torture erotic scenario, except in a non sexual way. If you see how people talk about whumperflies you will see it's true. I'm not the first to point this out. 

I would say 30% of the community writes whump as a serious deep dive into torture and it's effects, 60% as a non sexual "kink" way, and 10% as actual kink. Engaging with this 60% of the community that writes almost to “jack off” in a way (and the 10% that writes it as an actual kink) and expect them to write what they do the way you, a serious thriller writer, does, it's almost like going at people who write dark, fucked up and unrealistic erotica and holding them to the same standards as realistic romance. It's just not how it works and it's engaging with the work in bad faith. 

Unless you also think the people who write that sort of fucked up erotica should also stop and only write it realistically. Then my bad, I don't agree but I hope you have a nice day and find people who agree. Because I don't think you will find them with the people you're trying to reach and you will keep getting frustrated because you're not being heard.

I don't think I will change your opinion due to you being dead set on it, but I hope you at least give it a thought instead of just saying "don't engage with my content if you don't agree" while also asking yourself why you're being ignored.

the very first sentence of your ask seems to accuse me of taking all your buddies in bad faith, and as a guy who famously can’t spot the blatant irony in a move like that, i guess i’ll just take it seriously. after all, some people are reading what i’m saying right now with the notion in the back of their heads that i might be deliberately dishonest or unreasonable, and i’ve barely even started talking yet. so thanks

it’s not that i don’t engage in good faith or aren’t willing to change my opinion if i’m presented with a genuinely better viewpoint, it’s that people who disagree with me just tend to have such shit non-arguments, so goddamn consistently, i’ve started being able to predict the bullshit before it even registers as conscious thought to them – and then they keep fucking proving me right. you included, not to muddy the waters or anything cough, payback

being kinda mean about it is not the same as misconstruing someone’s position, for the record. so with that in mind, here’s 2100 words of, genuinely, good faith arguments mixed with the occasional jabs of a guy who refuses to infantilize people over how little they’ve thought things through. 

i know i literally just insulted your intelligence - which was in response to you sewing doubt about my credibility, idk if i mentioned that part – sarcasm aside though, the bar is genuinely set so low here, and you are one of the few people who seem to at least know how to construct something that looks like a proper criticism. your formatting is terrible, please don't do 3 paragraph breaks in a row all the time. it's got some structure issues, you repeat yourself a bit, and go on tangents that aren’t quite connected to anything, but, with that said, all the necessary elements of an argument are in there. credit where its due, and all that

to prove to you that i’m responding to you in good faith, im gonna start out by giving you the strongest interpretation of the core of your argument as i can, in my own words, so you know exactly what i’m responding to. you called your version concise, prepare for something concise-r. and let me know if i misunderstood anything.

by criticizing whump writing for the use of torture apologia, i am ignoring the conventions (aka the set expectations between writer and reader) set by whump as a genre.

a core convention of whump as a genre is that it is not meant to reflect reality.

therefore, my criticism of whump writing is not applicable.

the rape kink subgenre of erotica features rape apologism. (i know you mentioned a bunch but let's just stick to the rape kink for the sake of brevity)

a core convention of the rape kink subgenre is that it is not meant to reflect reality.

since i criticise the whump community for torture apologia under the same premises, i must also be critical of rape kink content.

now for the acknowledgement of common ground: i agree with points 4 and 5.

moving on. i’m gonna start upfront by addressing a part of your ask that i didn’t mention above, which is the similarity you drew between the physical response to reading whump (“whumperflies”) and the physical response to reading kink (sexual pleasure). not to burst your bubble right off the gate, but the reason i didn’t include it as part of your argument is that it literally means nothing. any genre of fiction can do this. music does it. eating tasty food does it. a roller coaster ride does it. having sex does it. i don’t know why people treat this like some kind of valid argument in and of itself, what you’re describing here is the release of endorphins. this is enjoying things 101, welcome to the human experience, it’s not all bad.

on to my response to your actual argument, which is where things take a turn: i don’t believe that “whump” can be classified as a genre.

the following fucking 1000 words - no im not kidding, im on good faith behavior here - are fundamentally tedious. it goes into some literary theory and some longwinded explanations as to why i hold this opinion, and also lays out my views on the rape kink stuff. skip to the red part for my conclusions if you’re not interested in the nitty gritty.

the term “genre” is hard to pin down, and you’ll find different definitions of it online. i think you, anon, would agree that a core part of a genre is that it’s a category of media that has specific socially developed conventions, which is another way to say that writers expect their readers to approach their work in certain ways, and readers in turn expect the work itself to feature certain components. for the latter, this can mean things like tone/mood, subject matter, motifs, composition, conflict type, writing style, or what have you. a genre is defined by the many different expectations, or conventions, that we have for it. convention is a fancy word for "an agreement about how this thing is usually done".

let’s take mystery fiction as an illustrative example, because the mystery genre is pretty straightforward. a mystery writer expects the following things in their reader: curiosity and a desire to know more, attentiveness, a willingness to ask questions, and to be skeptical of the information that is given. in turn, the reader expects certain things from mystery fiction, especially the following sequence: an event occurs, the protagonist wants to find out whodunit, the mystery is unraveled little by little as the protagonist looks for clues and gathers evidence, until it is finally solved with a big reveal in the climax of the story. the central driving factor within every mystery is the protagonist’s aim to find out what happened and why. this is inherent to mystery fiction. you cannot write mystery without it.

this is just to give you a solid grasp of what these conventions usually look like. now, uh. i’m sex repulsed, so please excuse my lack of familiarity with this next bit.

the genre of erotica has the following conventions: something sexy is gonna happen, and i think that sums it up. the most important expectations tied to erotica, i would argue, are actually held by the author, towards the reader. being fully aware that the sexiness of things is exaggerated for the sake of atmosphere, erotica authors expect their readers to understand that their work might not always reflect what reality will be like, and that it serves the sole purpose of a sexual fantasy. in the case of kink/fetish content surrounding rape, this expectation increases exponentially – so much so, that just to be absolutely sure everybody’s on the same page, a lot of these writers go out of their way to remind their readers out-of-text, all the goddamn time, plastering disclaimers all the fuck over their writing and bios, that their writing does not reflect reality, that no, your typical rape victim isn't secretly into it, that consent is always mandatory, etc.

it is my strongly held passionate belief that this is ok lol. erotica is not for me but i have nothing against people with rape kinks, like you're implying. it’s about the very, very strong nature of the conventions associated with this genre of content, which is evidenced most clearly by the many serious discussions about rape and rape apologism that happen out-of-text in these communities, that makes me pretty confident that they’re fully aware that they’re engaging in fantasy. just so we’re clear on that.

while we’re on that topic: no such discussions happen in the whump community in regards to real life torture or torture apologia, at least i’ve never seen it happen. and i find it more than a little bit sussy that ive gotten this many asks over the last few days asking me if brainwashing is real or not. this staggering lack of awareness about what torture can and can't do should be concerning to people, but for some reason, it is not. your overall approach to the subject of torture hasn't given me the impression that you guys can tell fact from fiction, that you are even aware of where reality ends and where the fantasy begins. but i digress.

you can see solid proof that whump is not a “genre” just by going through the community tags here on tumblr. the genres that people use and engage with through fandom here vary from superhero movies to medical dramas, historical fiction, action thrillers, horror, musicals, anime, fantasy, etc. the list goes on and on. and i get that genres can overlap, and that you want to counter right now that someone writing “fantasy whump” is a combination of two genres, but… then there’s all those gif blogs. and what do we do about those? this type of fandom whump doesn’t create content in this one unifying “whump genre” – it pulls content from a wide breadth of genres and staples that same exact label on it, whump.

here's what that means: emotional or physical distress.

that’s not a genre. it’s a subject matter.

and it includes all the so-called “subgenres” too, by the way, from the hurt/comfort (drama, action, often romance) to pure torture porn (thriller/suspense/horror) to more in-depth explorations of trauma and recovery (psychological realism) to pet whump (ffffucking magical realism) to sickfics (drama, medical drama, often romance). the expectations you have as a writer and as a reader, the socially determined conventions, are fundamentally inconsistent among all of these different genres. its why you guys kept fighting – im assuming you still do, its been a while since i checked – over what the fuck “whump” even means.

if you as a reader approach a recovery arc in the same way you do the torture porn, both of which are whump, you’re going to get bored very quickly, because your expectations and the expectations set by the author are incompatible. you're expecting something quick-paced and intense, something extreme and graphic. instead you're met with a much slower pace, a subtler form of character exploration. the dialogue is more subdued. the writing style is different. the scene structure is different, the story beats are different. there’s an attention to inner conflict, to symbolism and metaphor, to long sequences of dialogues and silences between characters which just aren’t there in the torture porn. the tonal shift alone should give it away easily. this is because these two things come from different genres. the subject matter - emotional or physical distress - is the only common thread here.

homicide is a subject matter, and how it is portrayed and explored depends on the genre it inhabits. a homicide in mystery fiction sets up a mystery, some puzzle to solve. homicide in slashers is extreme and gory, over-the-top, served for shock value. homicide in psychological fiction isn’t sensationalized in the same way – it’s grim, somber, something you have to think about. depictions of homicide in comedy or parodies tend to serve as gallows humor. in action – well, those are the bad guys, they fall over, and that’s about that.

homicide as a subject matter serves vastly different purposes across genres, and because of that, it can't set up any expectations in the reader, other than the somebody-gets-murdered part. it doesn't have a convention as to how it will be presented or portrayed, what the mood is going to be, which part of it you're supposed to be paying attention to as an audience member. subject matters have no conventions. they are just "the thing you are portraying."

and this is also true for emotional or physical distress. your only expectation is this: someone feels emotional or physical distress. that's about all you're gonna know about a work from reading the word whump alone - the rest comes from the genre it inhabits. whump itself is just not a literary genre.

the first point of your argument hinges on the idea that whump follows a specific set of social conventions. i disagree with that, for the reasons i hope ive managed to lay out well here. whump has no conventions, because it is not a genre.

and if you think im wrong about this – plot twist, that doesn’t even actually matter. i made you read all of this shit for nothing. this was all just an excuse for me to trick you all into my needless literary theory nerd shit, get got

see, the second point of your argument hinges on the idea that a fundamental convention set by whump as a “genre” is that it is not meant to reflect reality. but you provided me with an interesting statistic, and while i recognize that you literally just pulled it out of your own ass as a way to give yourself a vague air of empiricism, i just want you to keep in mind that you yourself brought this up. 

I would say 30% of the whump community writes whump as a serious deep dive into torture and it's effects, ...

do you see why i think people keep accidentally proving me right? this “serious deep dive into torture and its effects” by a staggering third of whump writers, according to you, sounds an awful lot like they are aiming for realism – something that should not be possible within the conventions of this “genre”. what the fuck, huh.

i’m just guessing here, so take this whole paragraph with a grain of salt, but this reads to me like someone who made that convention absolutely the fuck up as a last minute resort to absolve themself from the criticism of apologia, specifically, because they saw this convention work for rape erotica. which is why y’all bring that particular subgenre up so much in this discussion. but because you don’t actually view this “it’s not meant to reflect reality” convention as fundamental to whump in any capacity, in the same way it is with rape erotica, well. it just slips out, yknow.

not to mention that thing i said about you guys not even being able to distinguish fact from fiction in regards to torture, regardless of the many, many posts yall make about "realism in whump" - which also kinda dulls your point. but whatever anon, you made my argument better than i could’ve

your third point hinged on the validity of the first two, which i’d like to think i’ve demonstrated, in good faith, at the very least are based on questionable premises - one by me, and one by yourself. the sixth point is null and void for the same reasons.

alas, i have to conclude that your writing is not absolved of my criticism quite yet. A for effort tho. at least i had fun with it

[dragonxjewels]

Hello!

I just want to say that you have really cool OCs here! They're really well-designed, and that a lot of thought has been put into them, especially in terms of personality and backstories :)

If you don't mind me asking, I was just wondering what Surge and Hyperfix's relationship with the rest of Team Prime are like. It'd be really neat to see a glimpse onto what their relationship and dynamic is like with the other 'bots.

Thank you in advance!

I cannot explain how happy this makes me- like seriously AAAAH 💕💕 when it comes to to characters I’ve posted, Surge and Hyperfix are the oldest, I’ve been playing with Surge for about 9 years and Hyperfix for about 7, and I have spent *so* much time daydreaming about them, so I’ll try to answer this as concisely as possible!!

Surge

Surge’s relationship to the rest of Team Prime was a bit strained when he first joined up, nobody really liked the fact that after being introduced, he immediately left back into space with Wheeljack, especially Fowler (who had been excited to have an advanced alien who knew tons of information about other organic life in the universe, for obvious government reasons).

When he returned with Wheeljack, that’s when the rest of the team really started developing sincere opinions about him, so I’ll go from there:

Optimus: He was curious about Surge the first time he was introduced, and didn’t really understand why he’d leave so soon, but being himself, he respected it without needing to understand. Upon Surge’s return, he saw how Magnus deeply trusted Surge, and consulted his trusted friend about it- thereby learning more of Surge’s past and forming a sincere appreciation for the strange mech.

Ratchet: He is easily frustrated by Surge, to say the least. He sees the mech as brilliant, and appreciates his wealth of knowledge on organic sciences, especially since they’re on Earth, but he thinks Surge is unpredictable and (in his opinion) undisciplined, and that Wheeljack makes that worse. He doesn’t completely dislike the mech though, he warms up at times.

Arcee: She can’t say she understands him- she held a bit of a grudge about him abandoning Earth right after being introduced- but was relieved to see him and Wheeljack again later on when they needed the help. She feels quietly thankful to have another mech around who sincerely cares for the humans’ wellbeing, especially someone who knows more about how their fragile bodies work. She won’t tell him that though.

Bee: He thinks Surge is interesting, and likes listening to him recount his travels during the war. He likes to peep on what Surge is doing in his lab sometimes (he’s less likely to be shooed away from Surge than Ratchet) and can occasionally tempt him to go racing- especially when Smokescreen is involved.

Bulkhead: He adores Surge. He sees the mech as someone who has only made their lives better, namely in how he’s brought security and comfort to his best friend. He appreciates that despite being “the sciencey type” Surge doesn’t hold his intellect over anyone’s head- Surge doesn’t leave him out of conversations simply because Bulkhead isn’t a scientist or engineer, in fact, he actively discusses things with him in ways that he can understand without a degree in biology, likewise, Bulkhead doesn’t pick on Surge for not being combat and strength-inclined. The two like each other plenty.

Wheeljack: The two are borderline inseparable. We all know that Wheeljack yearns for company, and isn’t ready to let go of his past *or* be tied down- and while Bulkhead couldn’t abandon Earth to go with him, Surge wasn’t ready to be stuck on Earth either, and their companionship ended up going places neither of them could have foreseen. The two generally like each other from the get-go, having good chemistry in their personalities- but as time goes by, they form a sort of codependency. They need each other to be stable- well, as stable as either of them really can be. They’re passionate, they’re deeply in love with each other as people, and at the core of it, they’re friends.

Ultra Magnus: He loves Surge in a way he often cannot express. He rescued the mech some time ago, shortly before he was tasked with commanding the Wreckers, and it was something that deeply impacted the way he commanded battle from there on. Surge was someone he saw sincere good in, despite being a Decepticon- he saw a mech with good intentions, who had seldom received any warmth from the world, but remained kind and idealistic. He saw a mech whose values were not tarnished by hardship, even upon being cast aside to die by the cause he had believed in. Magnus respected that, and helped Surge integrate into the Autobot ranks, scrubbing his past affiliations from the record. To this day, even if Surge’s impulsivity causes him stress, he still believes in Surge’s goodness- and remains protective of him.

Smokescreen: He thinks Surge is too boring- why stay in a lab tinkering with stuff when you’ve got a racer’s frame? He frequently tries to push Surge’s buttons to get him to go outside and play with him- and as much as he’s not a scientist- he’s gotten it down to a science. He loves to prod the mech until he hears “That’s it!!” Or “You know what? You’re on.” So they can go and tear up some asphalt.

Miko: She is a terror and a force to be reckoned with- and Surge loves that. He is more careful with her than Wheeljack is, which has definitely led to her being frustrated with him- but he still sees her as capable and fascinating- and as a person he can trust to always co-conspire on mischief with.

Raf: He likes the idea of Surge a little more than he likes directly working with him- much like Ratchet. He’s been fascinated by what Surge can teach him about his experiences as a scientist during wartime- especially about holoforms on organic planets, since that has a lot to do with computers- and Surge enjoys having someone to teach about the things he’s passionate for.

Jack: He doesn’t really know what to make of Surge. Jack usually finds himself out with the scouts rather than in the labs, listening to the scientific chatter. Likewise, Surge isn’t terribly interested in Jack, he’s not enthusiastic like Miko or yearning for knowledge like Raf.

June: She likes Surge! She thinks he’s a funny sort of guy, strange, but kind of sweet. They had a discussion at one point when things were kind of dire, he promised her that he had been learning about how to care for humans, and that he could treat them if anything happened- Ratchet was the medic, sure, but Surge *knows* organic life. She sincerely appreciated that. They often discuss things about her work, she likes that Surge both has a framework of understanding for their biology *and* is interested by it.

Fowler: This guy… he can’t be certain, but he’s pretty sure Surge found a way to give him the common cold after he told the mech he wasn’t allowed to go to the aquarium. Shortly after, Surge tinkered with the team’s holoforms to make them more convincing, and he was allowed to go where he pleased- but Fowler had his suspicions. He thinks Surge is *alright* but is endlessly frustrated that the mech won’t tell the US government everything he knows about other organic species in their galaxy- Surge maintains that it’s their place to become a spacefaring species and find out on their own (of course he still shares plenty with the others, just not documented for Fowler).

Hyperfix: He thinks Surge is as predictable as he is unpredictable- which is mildly stressful. On one hand, he trusts that Surge is a good mech at his spark- but on the other hand, Surge seems to like a little chaos- whether it’s sneaking out to do something eco-radical, or accompanying Wheeljack on some questionable side-quest, or even late night racing- the mech makes his head spin. On social terms they get along pretty well though. Surge is amused by Hyperfix’s demeanor, and finds him endearing, Hyperfix likes being around someone who sees his social differences as a delight rather than a chore.

Hyperfix

Hyperfix also had a somewhat strained relationship with many characters, largely because he was a Neutral- he wasn’t immediately trusted. How could someone go though four million years of war and not pick a side? Realistically, Hyperfix was more closely associated with the Autobots, but he made a conscious choice to never join either side because he says: “I want my patients to see me and not a badge- I never know who I’m going to treat, or how terrified they might be. I’ve treated non-cybertronians who were intensely frightened of soldiers, both Autobot and Decepticon. I’ll never wear a badge while I’m treating the victims of this war.”

After this explanation, most people seem to understand, even if they still wish he’d just join the Autobots instead.

Optimus: He thinks Hyperfix is endearing, and much to Hyoerfix’s surprise, he *actually understands and respects* the fact that he doesn’t want to be an official Autobot. He thinks his reasoning is perfectly sound, and frankly he enjoys having another medic around to lighten the stress on Ratchet’s shoulders.

Ratchet: He finds himself thinking “this mech….” quite often. Hyperfix is so incredibly blunt- well, he has a good bedside manner, but he’s *so* blunt. He appreciates having another medic around, it makes his life so much easier, but at first he found himself sighing and rolling his optics endlessly throughout the day. Eventually, he becomes accustomed to the mech’s quirks, and even finds them a bit charming- well, maybe more than a bit. He finds that he actually respects the straightforwardness.

*Eventually, Ratchet, Hyperfix, and another oc (not mine) wind up in a poly relationship- turns out, mechs who speak their minds rather than playing around with nuance are easier to get along with. Hyperfix is an attentive lover, he’s very dedicated to his partners’ wellbeing, physically and emotionally.

Arcee: As much as she cannot understand how Hyperfix remains technically neutral- she gets along with him surprisingly well! She likes that she can always trust that whatever comes out of Hyperfix’s mouth is point blank, and doesn’t require her to read between the lines. She also appreciates that they had similar struggles on Cybertron- what with being treated as somewhat less capable because of their small frames and altmodes, and having to work extra hard to be taken seriously.

Bee: He thinks Hyperfix is sweet, he likes how attentive he is to all the scouts- Hyperfix always gives them a good once-over after every mission to make sure they haven’t accumulated even minor injuries. Bee likes to feel attended to, and really likes all the gentle touch and care he receives after every mission (Hyperfix helps him with some long standing injuries because of his specialization in physical therapy, it makes Bee feel warm and fuzzy to be doted on).

Bulkhead: He is a little frightened of Hyperfix- and he knows it’s irrational- but Hyperfix’s compartments are full of medical supplies, including syringes and all sorts of needles. He’d rather take a big hit, punches on punches, than deal with tiny medical equipment prodding at him. However, during the times he’s needed to see Hyperfix for medical care, somehow the mech has been able to put him somewhat at ease. He’s still scared, but Hyperfix is so careful of his phobias it’s made things a little easier.

Wheeljack: He’s deeply amused by this little mech. He says exactly what’s on his mind, which he likes, and seems to cause Ratchet some serious flustering, which he *loves*. He picks on him for being too gentle with people, thinking it’s quite funny how doting he is with massive war hardened mechs like himself and Bulkhead- but he does appreciate it.

Ultra Magnus: He likes Hyperfix well enough… for a neutral. He disagrees with the sentiments behind remaining neutral, despite Optimus’ own understanding of the matter, though he still respects Hyperfix as a person and a good medic.

Smokescreen: He has similar sentiments to Bee, but considering he hasn’t gone through four million years of war, he doesn’t appreciate it the same way. However, he finds himself being a little overtly flirtatious with Hyperfix- he’s cute, attentive, and so sweet with everyone- Smokescreen almost feels a little guilty for his thoughts about the mech. Almost.

Miko: She thinks he’s easier to get along with than Ratchet for sure- but she also thinks he’s too calm natured to be any fun.

Raf: He likes Hyperfix! Sure, he isn’t savvy with technology like Ratchet, so that talking point is moot, but he knows that Bee is in good hands between the two medics, and that matters to him more than anything.

Jack: He ends up spending a little more time around Hyperfix than he would have expected, because of Arcee’s and his mom’s friendship with him. He thinks Hyperfix is a warm person.

June: She likes spending idle time with Hyperfix in the medbay. He’s more inclined to be talkative while he works than Ratchet is, and they will chat about fun hospital drama as well as commiserate about patient experiences.

Fowler: He isn’t sure what to make of Hyperfix- he doesn’t particularly like that he isn’t an Autobot, and had some trouble explaining that to his superiors. Hyperfix is confused by his exclamations and metaphors, and doesn’t realize Fowler’s nervous feelings about him.

Surge: He thinks Hyperfix is a complete sweetspark, odd and endearing. He likes to come pester him in the medbay, chatting about whatever he’s studying at the moment. Hyperfix has learned plenty of animal trivia because of Surge’s chattiness about his Earth studies, and Surge has learned a few things here and there about neutral Cybertronian colonies on organic worlds through Hyperfix that he wouldn’t have known about otherwise.

[quiet-in-the-wild]

I’m had a dream last night & it was significant

I don’t remember it all- but I remember the feeling

So in the dream I was scrying- which is getting yourself into a trance like state to channel messages/ visions

And in this dream I was watching running water from a faucet & suddenly I was asking questions and hearing/seeing very concise answers. Most of which I completely forgot - but it’s not like I feel like I need to search for them again. I feel like I know it even if I don’t remember the dream.

I had a sort of vision of a past life. I’m fairly certain I’ve had 2 other past life visions/dreams over the years. They could be regular dreams but idk something about them - a knowing that came with them.

I don’t 100% know if I believe in past lives. But I also don’t see why not. I tend to be on the more skeptical side though

But In this vision - within the dream I saw that I had killed myself in another life. I felt it- all the pain, all the emotions - I saw what it looked like from my past self point of view. And I was told that the pain I feel here as me- is residual / like a thread - which I feel like I understand.

Which I think was what the entire dream / vision was supposed to be about.

But then - because I had their attention

I also asked the biggest question as I’ve been diving into spirituality that I just struggle with. If ancestors are important. If past lives are real. How do they exist at the same time. What is more important- it’s a complex question that I can’t begin to word completely.

And I got such a clearly worded answer & it made complete sense. I forgot what they said completely.

But I suddenly felt and saw every single ancestor, every loved one from every past life standing behind me in the mirror - all around me, reaching out, hugging me, smiling. And I felt overwhelming emotion- I’ve never felt anything so strongly. I can’t even express how much love & hope I felt. It felt like we all want each other to grow and love and we all want the best for you and for every one of us.

So I think I don’t need to worry about what is more important - or even try to logic my way through it. I think just knowing that no matter whoever is there, they’re loving and - proud isn’t the right word but it’s the closest one I can think of.

And I’m thinking maybe some hypnotherapy for past lives - to help with suicidal ideation might beneficial for me. I might have to find someone - I don’t think self hypnosis is the right way