#I’ve been scrolling through my old pictures from when I lived in Japan

[opje]

[askaceattorney]

Dear Asexual-Deesasters,

Mod Edgeworth: 

If you want to know the answer to that question, go to this link.

Dear Skibot99,

Co-Mod: I’m fairly certain it was The Mod, but I don’t know for sure.  He actually had another one before it, made from an old Ace Attorney musical animation.  I haven’t been able to locate that video, unfortunately, but here’s the old banner:

Ah...  Those were good days.  Good days.

Dear Dawsongfg,

Co-Mod: It’s fine.  Besides, it won’t be too long before those letters are accepted, so maybe we’ll hold onto them until that time.

Dear skibot99 again,

Mod Edgeworth: The Lost Turnabout hands down. All logic is thrown out the window the moment Phoenix had amnesia. It’s clear the Judge knew something was wrong with Phoenix, so why didn’t he call for a recess or check on Phoenix? Not to mention Wellington was annoying. He’s probably the only character I would be hesitant to play as when answering letters, if only because he was so unbearable.

As for Turnabout Ablaze, I do agree that it is a drag to get through in the end, though the entire game of AAI was boring, aside from the game mechanics. As a case by itself, I wouldn’t put it as my least favorite, if only because I did get some funny parts out of it.  It also contributed to the overall story, whereas The Lost Turnabout could just be taken out and it wouldn’t effect the overarching plot.

Co-Mod: I’d probably have to go with Turnabout Big Top.  I honestly couldn’t figure out the part where you have to present Max’s poster without consulting a walkthrough.  Why couldn’t we just present Max himself?  Besides that, the ending was largely underwhelming -- the murder weapon was hidden under Acro’s blanket the entire time, but instead of seeing a screenshot of it there, we just have to imagine it.  Maybe it was a filler case, but that was no excuse for it to end so poorly.  Not to mention one of the witnesses was a literal puppet.

It’s hard truth, Trilo.  Live with it.

Dear skibot99 and Anonymous,

Mod Edgeworth: I… think I heard from her when the localization of DGS was announced? I know Mod Kristoph and Mod Maya introduced themselves when I came into the group. There’s a third person, but I only heard from her once. As for what’s going on with her… I don’t know.

As for the flooding the inbox, it’s fine. I won’t promise a letter or two won’t be deleted, but we may make an exception and I’d hardly consider 4-5 different letters flooding the inbox. However, I do highly suggest lowering your letter sending to no more than three a day to prevent deletion of your letters. The only time I’d say your letters are flooding the inbox is when you’re sending 10-20 of them, especially of the same letter, and we have to scroll down for a while to get to the next letter. We will only choose three out of that pile and delete the rest.

And yes, we do have a few that send us 10-20 of the same letter to multiple characters in the span of five minutes. Geez.

Co-Mod: Mod Paups has had to remain absent for personal reasons, and sadly, has recently communicated to me that she wishes to leave the blog entirely.  Thanks for all you’ve contributed to this blog, Mod Paups, and best of luck in whatever you do next!

(Referenced Letter)

Dear mungeondaster,

Mod Edgeworth: Since I answered this one, I shall answer your letter.

(^ Why do I always use this sprite? ^) Actually, the localization never specified if Manfred Von Karma was born in Germany or not. In fact, we never knew the German part until Justice For All when Franziska Von Karma was stated to have flown all the way from Germany. It never specifies any reason for this and fans were quick to jump to the conclusion that it means the Von Karma family were German, which… isn’t entirely true? Manfred Von Karma never said he lived in Germany and, for all we know, Franziska could’ve lived in Germany to study law or something.

Now, the OG does give us more specific detail on this, being why I answered this the way I did. In the OG, both Von Karma’s were born Japanese, but lived in America or at least have an estate there. It specified that they were originally born in Japan, which would be translated to LA, California in the localization. While using the OG canon isn’t normal here, I will use it, if the localization doesn’t specify things. In this case, it never specified if the Von Karma’s were born in Germany or if Manfred Von Karma lived in America. Since he had to wait out the Statue of Limitations for DL-6, we can assume he lived in LA for 15 years or more. That means he’s American.

I am still getting the hang of writing letters, but I try to stick to canon as much as possible. If you believe we’ve made an error in our letters, feel free to let us know, but also show proof, if we go against canon. We’ll be sure the letter is sent to the right mod or else fix it.

Dear  Bluedragoncody,

Mod Edgeworth: I... don’t know how to feel about that.

Also, I accidentally deleted your previous letter before this one when trying to post it on here. I’m so sorry about that. If you could remember it, would you send it again?

Co-Mod: I’ll just respond to this with an old classic:

Dear Aceattorneyismyjam,

Mod Edgeworth: I-I’m not a pro! I accidentally deleted an important mod question from bluedragoncody, because of my inexperience. Oof! Again, so sorry!

Granted, I am good with digital art and writing essays, but I’m still trying to get the hang of being a mod here. Believe me, I do get corrected on several mistakes I do here. I can’t really call myself a pro just yet. I’ve only just started becoming a mod here last month lol

Dear Dahlia,

Mod Edgeworth: I thank you for your support of this blog and my essay. Manfred Von Karma is also my favorite villain and someone I do feel is underestimated as a one dimensional villain. I think people hate him so much, because of how he ruined Miles Edgeworth’s life without looking at the bigger picture. They focus on the bad things with their black colored glasses without dissecting Manfred Von Karma’s character as a whole. 

One thing I love about this blog, even before becoming a mod, is that no one here ever portrayed Manfred Von Karma as the one dimensional villain. He can be snappy at times, but as proven in many of our previous letters, he’s also portrayed as being calm when threatened, polite at times and absolutely loves his wife and children. Yes, he’s a terrible person, but that’s what makes him so interesting. He’s a bad, evil person that does good things from time to time. It doesn’t justify any of his horrible deeds, murder included, but it does make him human.

Co-Mod: I’m...going to assume you’re a different Dahlia.  (I’m grabbing a Magatama of Parting just in case, though.  I’m sure you can understand.)

Anyway, thanks for being such a loyal follower!  This blog’s been through a lot of changes since it began, and since I joined it back in 2017, so I’m glad it’s still a good source of enjoyment for you.  I’ve seen all sorts of cringe by now, by the way (some of which I wrote myself), so don’t worry about it.

I’m also glad that the characters still sound like themselves and not like us.  The hilarious personalities and quirks given to them by Capcom’s writers, as well as the humanity in so many of them, make them easy to relate to, and thus fairly easy to mimic.  I may have said something like this before, but I see myself in a lot of them -- in Athena’s fear of inadequacy, in Apollo’s desire for justice in a world where it’s hard to find, in Sebastian’s confusion about where to go next after his world falls apart, and possibly even in the von Karmas’ desire for perfection.  I of course identify with their positive feelings as well -- Phoenix’s smugness when he gets things right, Athena’s joy after pulling off a victory in court, Adrian’s pride after her self-confidence is restored, etc. -- but there’s something about the struggles they face that make them easier to relate to, on top of being that much more awesome in the end.

Unfortunately, I can’t promise anything about this blog continuing on in perpetuity.  For one thing, I don’t plan on being around forever (I’m fairly certain the other Mods don’t, either), and for that matter, there’s also no telling how long Tumblr will be around.  All I can promise is that I’ll give my best while I’m here, and that the love from you and everyone else who shares it here is sure to be what keeps us going.  Thank you for your contribution!

Dear TurqouiseJavelin,

Mod Edgeworth: Hm... not bad ideas. Though, we mods choose our own mod names under the condition that it doesn’t match anyone else’s mod name.

Co-Mod: What Mod Edgeworth said.  Choosing the name “Mod Athena” may or may not increase your chances of being hired, though.  *wink, wink*

Dear Anonymous, 

Mod Edgeworth: Actually, Gregory was stated in the Autopsy to have died by a gunshot. However, you do bring up something interesting. If Gregory Edgeworth realized he was dead and last remembered Robert Hammond strangling him, he wouldn’t think “I died by the shot of a gun.” Since the Detectives weren’t aware that victim had died unconscious, they’d assume the victim would recall being shot and killed. This makes me wonder if Gregory Edgeworth was channeled, but never brought to court to be cross-examined.

There are still holes, but I do like your aspect on DL-6.

Co-Mod: Dang...  No matter how many times you come back to this game, there’s always something new to think about.  I honestly hadn’t considered those details about Yanni Yogi’s trial.  Your explanation makes the most sense to me, but there’s one other possibility regarding Gregory’s testimony -- he may have chosen to lie about who murdered him in order to protect his son from a murder charge.  That’s all open to interpretation, of course, so your guess is as good as ours.

It’s a good thing we’re not actual defense attorneys, huh?

-The Mods

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

P S Y C H (ch.3)

Alright so to clear anything up, anytime there are single quotation marks ('blah blah') with no obvious speaker, that is [Name]'s internal thoughts. I think i'll probably change the writing style in the future to make it more obvious but that's what i've got for now.

Previous // Next

[Name] had become extremely guarded at a young age. Dealing with bullies before he had developed his quirk and a mom who was an empath taught him bad habits. Obviously, being bullied can make you defensive against harmless teasing. Normally people can almost never tell if they’re being laughed at or laughed with and if you’re used to being laughed at, lashing out is the easiest way to kill the joke. When your mom can read your emotions you can’t exactly have privacy, and the easiest way to get around all of that is to share, share and overshare. By dumping the most useless details and confronting most of your negative feelings people think you’re being honest with them because you trust them. In reality you’re protecting yourself by never giving them a reason to pry. [Name] has mastered being an open and honest person, that no one knows anything about.The problem is, now he’s forgotten how to socialize. And the first day of school is rapidly approaching. 

“God is testing me. I am not one of his strongest soldiers, push me too far and our next meeting will be in person” [Name] thought as he tried on his uniform to make sure everything fit nicely for school the next day. The uniform wasn’t bad but there was no way he was putting on a blazer every day. He’d wear it for the first day, appearances and all (and of course [Mo.Name] would want a picture) but henceforth blazers would be a special occasion thing.

Sighing, [Name] got ready for bed and turned out all of the lights before praying. It was a quick prayer, one done out of habit and not necessarily belief before scrolling on his phone to distract himself from the self doubt and anxieties about his first day.

“I was really gonna be too powerful with this quirk and this body so I was born with crippling insecurities and anxiety. Thanks G-man for humbling me”

The next morning was a fumbling of nerves for pretty much everyone involved. [Mo.Name] had gotten up early for work and made [Name] lunch for his first day even though he’d politely asked her not to worry too much about his first day. As an empath her emotions might carry over onto him and as someone who already HAS anxiety, he didn't need any extra. 

“GOOD MORNING”

“Why are you always so cheerful in the morning? For someone who wakes up at like the crack of dawn you’d expect a little ‘don’t talk to me before my coffee’ behavior”

“Did you want me to be all grumpy as soon as you wake up?”

‘....”

“I thought so. Can’t you just say good morning mom”

“Oh mother, it is of the best news that you were able to wake me this morning. Your delightful smile I will never tire of”

“Smart ass”

“Better than a dumb one”

“True. Hurry and get dressed if you want to stop by the bakery before school. I might not be an asshole before coffee but YOU definitely are nicer to talk to with some sort of morning beverage”

“Fair”

[Name] dressed as quickly as he could and met his mom at the front door. He paused in the doorway and decided to be honest. He was terrified. He was starting a new school as a socially awkward kid who has some bad habits. He didn’t know if he’d step on people’s toes and ruin his chances of making friends. And there was the whole issue of the fact that he was more than likely behind all his classmates. He’d gotten his quirk much later than the average kid which meant he had less time to practice and master his gifts. Using telekinesis without getting a headache had just become an unconscious reflex. In his mind everyone else in 1-A could use their quirks as easily as breathing.

“I can feel you panicking from out here. Literally. Just get your stuff and let’s go.” When [Name] made it to the front door [Mo.Name] stopped him and placed her hands on his shoulders. Looking in his eyes she projected calmness through his skin using her quirk. Once [Name] had obviously returned from the reality in his head to the world of the living she removed her hand and spoke to him earnestly. 

“Your grandmother used to say two things.” She began “‘When you’re blessed be a blessing’, and ‘God don’t like ugly’. Looking at you, I can tell you must truly be favored by God. He has blessed you with a great quirk and you’re doing His work by becoming a hero. I know you’ll be great. It might seem like a big shot school with superpowered hotties to you. But they’re awkward 15 year olds who blush when they see boobies. You’ll be fine”

“Yeah”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“What fresh hell is this” [Name] whispered to himself as he stared at the giant building. “Whoever designed this building is now my number one enemy. How am I supposed to find anything in this maze modeled after a letter in the ENGLISH alphabet. We’re fucking in Japan!”

[Name] had unfortunately not had a chance to down his matcha latte considering the long line at the bakery when his mom dropped him off before going to work. He GOT the matcha latte, but it was just freezing his hand off because he had to rush to the trains to be on time for his first day. In a stroke of luck the train was too crowded for him to comfortably move so he just had to hold it until he got to school where he got lost looking for class 1-A. 

Whatever happened to being one of God's favorites?

When he finally reached 1-A he was stuck in the doorway behind All Might’s successor as the green haired boy panicked about a stuck up rule follower and the blond bombshell that was Katsuki Bakugou. [Name] managed to maneuver around Midoriya catching Bakugou’s eye before the blond looked away dismissing [Name]’s presence. [Name] was not offended. No, not at all. It wasn’t the first time he’d been underestimated. And it wouldn’t be the last. But everytime it did happen, it would play into [Name]’s favor.

[Name] found his way to his seat and decided that the chaos of new students arriving as well as Bakugou’s… abrasiveness would be the best opportunity to do some research on all of his classmates. Nothing too invasive but a quick scan of their surface thoughts so he could create a profile for each student. He got about halfway through the class when a gruffy man in a yellow sleeping bag hijacked his focus. 

“If you came here to socialize, then get out”

‘I am terrified of you. Please continue’ [Name] thought

“This is the hero course”

‘There’s someone in there’ the class thought simultaneously

“It took eight seconds for you to quiet down. Time is a precious resource, you lot aren’t very resourceful are you?”

‘Our teacher???’ they all echoed

‘Then he’s a pro hero too…’ Midoriya thought out loud

‘I thought you would know…’ [Name] whispered to himself

“I’m your homeroom teacher. Shota Aizawa. Pleased to meet you” 

‘Homeroom teacher???’

‘how is everyone thinking the same thing at the same time??’

“Quickly now. Change into your gym clothes and head out to the grounds”

‘The system here at UA is like no other. Today the homeroom teachers will conduct..’ Midoriya thought to himself, and consequently [Name] who was eavesdropping

“A test of quirks”

[cheeriecherry]

Birds Of A Feather [4/7]

Hawks x Fem!Reader

Warnings: some swearing, a kiss

Part 4/7

By the end of the week, you’re walking into Hawks’ penthouse with nothing but a duffel bag of clothes. Most of your stuff had been moved to storage, but you’d told him you’d bring your own sheets, blankets, and pillows for the couch. He’d stared at you like you’d grown a second head.

He’d then gone on a tangent about how he had guest rooms, obviously, and how his sheets would be softer than yours. He’s probably not wrong, with his 1200 thread count egyptian cotton, but the way he says it ruffles you a bit. You don’t mention it, though. You don’t want to give him any kind of reason to kick you out.

“Hey chickadee, you gonna stand in the entrance all night, or are you gonna come in?”

You snap out of your stupor when Hawks calls to you, and continue lugging your things through the door.

The inside of the penthouse is beautiful; tastefully decorated (probably professionally), and it’s spacious rough that you could spread your wings out fully. The doorways are wider than average, likely catering to your boss’ specific needs. The entire place is gorgeous, immaculate even, and any person in their right mind would kill to live here.

You kind of detest it.

“I had some people come in this afternoon and set up the guest suite for you,” he says, kicking off his boots and flopping onto the couch. “They also brought some of your uniforms in from the agency, so you can change here. You won’t have to go in so early.”

“Thank you,” you tell him, and you mean it. Personal opinions aside, he’s let you into his home out of kindness. You’ll not soon disrespect that.

“Ah, you’re standing and staring again. Are you that impressed with the place?”

You snap back to attention for a second time, and hike your bag further up your shoulder. “I-it’s not that!” you try to explain, “I was just expecting something...different?”

Hawks sits up on the couch. “Whadya mean?”

“I dunno.” You shrug. “More lived in, I guess? Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful here, especially the balcony, but it’s also very...what’s the word…”

“Mature and charming?” he tries, but you shake your head.

He offers a few more suggestions, things like ‘perfect’ and ‘homey’ and ‘colourful’, each word hitting further and further from your mark.

Then it comes to you. “Monotone and sterile!” you nearly shout, your success momentarily quieting your desire to be polite. “It’s like it’s fresh out of a magazine, or a model home. Don’t take it the wrong way, Boss, I’m not hating on your tastes, but if I’m gonna be staying here indefinitely, I’m gonna have to add some personal touches.” You remember your manners. “If that’s okay…”

You worry that you may have offended him, with the way he’s looking at you, but a smile slowly spreads across his face, his eyes sparkling.

“Finally,” he sighs, “someone who speaks their damn mind.”

“Eh?”

“Do you know how many of the people I’ve invited here tell me ‘how beautiful’ it is?” He adjusts his wings and settles comfortably back into the couch. “All of them. Every single one. And look, I’m grateful that I’ve got this place, but it’s just a house. No sentimentality, no memories...just a space.”

“Well...it’s polite to not insult someone’s home when they invite you over…” you mumble, the severity of your outburst making your face heat up.

“Maybe,” he says. “Or maybe they’re all schmoozing and hoping to get on my good side.”

The bitterness in his tone doesn’t go unnoticed by you, but you decide to leave it be. He should be free to be himself in his own home, and not have to put up any kind of front. You hoped he’d supply you the same courtesy, when you inevitably would wake up on the wrong side of the bed some mornings.

“Anyways,” he flips the TV on and tosses the remote to the side, “it’s late. You should probably unpack your stuff before you’re too tired.”

“Yeah…” you realize how wiped out you are as the weariness starts to settle in. “I’ve got tomorrow off though, so...if I wake up on time, I’ll bring you curry.”

You can hear him cheering as you walk down the hall to the guest room, and you smile. You’ll never understand his love for chicken, even though his enthusiasm boosted your confidence.

The room is spacious and airy, and has a beautiful view of the city. The bed itself is probably big enough to hold three people, and you’re silently grateful that your wings won’t be hanging on the floor while you sleep anymore. 

You set your bag down by the door, and flop face first onto the mattress. God, it was the most plush thing you’d ever had the pleasure to lay on.

“I’ll unpack tomorrow,” you mumble, sinking further into the sheets and, eventually, sleep.

In the distance, you hear Hawks snoring.

----

You wake up the next day to sunlight hitting your face. It’s bright, and annoying, and too warm, and your bed really wants you to keep sleeping but you don’t think you can.

You sit up.

You can feel that your hair is a disheveled mess, and your tongue feels gummy and sour.

“Blegh.”

You (regrettably) roll out of bed and make your way to the bathroom to fix your morning vibes, checking the time along the way. Ten is later than you would have liked to wake up, but you suppose you really needed the sleep. And you did, surprisingly, feel more rested than you had in months.

It’s ten thirty by the time you’re done in the washroom, overall energy more put together and presentable, and you waste no time heading for the kitchen.

The kitchen which is...painfully under-stocked. A couple of condiments and wilting vegetables in the fridge...some frozen meat in the freezer...a bag of rice under the sink, for some reason, and...a completely full spice rack, every bottle unopened.

You knew your boss didn’t spend a lot of time at home, but this was just sad. 

You make a mental note to go shopping later.

Thankfully he seems to have the necessary ingredients for chicken curry, which you’re happy about. It means you won’t have to brave the store just yet.

Bit by bit, you pull out what you need in order to cook, only sitting down when you have a moment to spare as the rice cooks.

‘Hey Boss, I’m making curry for lunch. Want me to bring you some?’

You send him a text. It’s still fairly early, and you know he has his meetings in the morning, so you doubt that he’ll get back to you before-

Your phone buzzes.

‘Chickadee, you sure know the way to my heart. I’ll leave my office window open.’

You send him a thumbs up emoji.

----

Once the food is finished, you pack it up into two containers, opting to leave the rest in the pot for now. You made lots, enough to get several meals out of it, just in case Hawks pulled his ‘too busy to cook’ excuse when trying to convince you to order take-out.

It doesn’t take long to fly to the agency, the skies much clearer than the roads. The city itself seems relatively calm, no sounds of explosions or screaming. There is a distant plume of dark smoke on the horizon, though…

But there were other heroes in the area. You wouldn’t be missed if you didn’t show up for one disaster...right?

But then you land in the window of your boss’ office, and your worry spikes. The room is empty, door closed, lights off, paperwork strewn about on the desk...like he’d run off in a hurry.

You pull your phone out and send him a text.

‘Lemme know if something came up. I brought lunch, but I can put it away for later. Stay safe!

-Chickadee’

He doesn’t reply, but that’s expected if he’s dealing with some kind of crisis. Maybe you should have headed to whatever disaster you’d seen earlier...if it was bad enough to call on your boss, it must be a pretty dire situation. Maybe he could use an extra pair of wings?

You sigh and take a seat beside the window, staring out at the city skyline. The black smoke across the way has turned to a dusty grey colour, a much less threatening hue, and one that bode well for any possible fires.

He’ll be fine, you decide, with other heroes undoubtedly on the scene. By the time you’d get there, whatever was happening would be dealt with.

You pull out your phone to scroll through the news while you eat.

Nothing urgent appears on the screen, nothing to incline that you were needed somewhere, nothing to say extra help was needed. Just day-old stories, gossip columns, the occasional media review. You do startle a little when a new article pops up that’s focused around your boss. You click on it, expecting to see some kind of haggard scene...but you only laugh.

“Hawks, most eligible bachelor in Japan, off the market?” You scroll further into the article to see what kind of nonsense the reporters have come up with this time.

What you don’t expect, is to find pictures of yourself littering the page. Pictures of you and Hawks together. On patrol, talking over lunch at a cafe he took you to one time, walking into his agency side by side, and -most recently- the two of you landing on his balcony.

You’re slightly panicked, and very, very flustered. Had he seen the column? God, he was probably used to it, though, being as popular as he was. All he had to do was look at someone and the media would start crying wolf, which in your opinion, was stupid.

Still, the more you read the article, the more you find it has some good points. You two did spend a lot of time together, more than he did with any of his other friends. But that’s all you are. Friends. Friends, and completely platonic roommates.

You weren’t sure why that made your heart sink so much.

So you copied the link to the article and sent it to him, typing a quick ‘lol’ afterwards. At the very least, he might get a laugh out of it.

----

You finish eating in record time, scarfing down a portion and a half of curry. It was lonely, sitting in Hawks’ office by yourself. You wondered if he ever felt like that when he was up here on his own. He was too busy for most things, too fast for his own good. Did that include friendships? He made time for you when he could, but you understood the busy and demanding life of a hero...other people might not.

You...understood.

The dull ache that you’ve felt in your chest for the past year returns, suddenly. The sadness and grief, the emptiness and all-encompassing tiredness, the big overhanging question of ‘what’s even the point?’. The point of being a hero, the point of suffering for the people who love you and hate you and who don’t even know you.

“Shit,” you sigh, your head and shoulders hanging low, wing dragging against the floor.

Hawks had brightened your life up so much these last few months. He’d brought the smile back to your face, the joy back to flying. You missed him when he was gone, worried for him when he was off on missions, fuck, you even cooked him lunch of your day off just so you could spend time together.

You were head over heels for him, and so totally screwed.

----

Hawks doesn’t return home until late that night. Far past your usual bedtime, but you’re far too distressed to sleep. If you hadn’t had your earlier revelation, you’d have chalked it up to ‘being worried’. But now?

Now that you knew you had feelings for him, all your thoughts were clouded. You were concerned because you liked him. You hung out with him because you liked him. Everything was because you liked him!

It was fucking with you a bit.

“What are you still doing up?” his voice sounds from the front entryway, startling you bad enough that you almost fall off the couch.

Your wide eyes snap to him, immediately taking him in. He’s worse for wear, that’s for sure. His uniform is singed in places, and you’re pretty sure the scuff on his neck is a burn. Most notably are his wings. Or lack thereof. 

Featherless red nubs is a more accurate description.

“You look like shit,” you say, keeping the air about you casual.

He makes his way over to you and finds a seat on the couch adjacent, wincing as he sits a little too quickly.

“Thanks, chickadee. You always know what to say to make me feel better.”

Your face heats up. “I-I just mean! Long day?”

He groans, letting his head fall back against the cushions. You’re vaguely aware that he’s started talking, but the only thing you can pay attention to is the narrow column of his exposed throat, and how badly you wanted to lean over and press your lips against it.

You snap out of your daze when he nudges you with his foot.

“I feel like I’m talking to a wall,” you quips, devoid of any malice.

“Sorry,” you mumble, “what were you saying?”

“I was saying that we should hang out now that I’ve got a few days off. Kick our feet up, instead of culminating in a stuffy office.”

You shake your head. “As much as I’d love to, I still have work. Remember? I was already off today, I can’t miss more days.”

He whines, looking at you with sad puppy eyes. “It’ll be boring here by myself. You make the day more fun.”

“Hawks, I can’t-”

“Keigo.”

You perk up. “Huh?”

He rearranges himself on the couch so he can look at you more comfortably. “My name is Takami Keigo. Call me Keigo when it’s just us, okay?”

You consider it. “Why not Takami? That’s polite here, right? To use the surname?”

He nods. “Unless you’re close with the person. Family, good friends, the like.”

Your wings puff up, fully betraying the fact that you’re pleased he considers you a ‘good friend’. It doesn’t go unnoticed, and a teasing grin spreads across Haw-Keigo’s face.

“See? You waaaaant to. Say it with me: Kei-”

“Keigo.”

You don’t miss the way his cheeks tinge pink.

“You got it. And now, since we’re on a first name basis, I’m asking you to take a few days off to hang out with me.”

You’re exasperated.

“C’mon chickadee.”

“No.”

“Pleeeeease?”

“No!”

“Y/N…”

“No, Keigo.”

“Alright then. Now, as your boss, I’m officially giving you three days off.”

“You can’t just do that!”

“I can!”

“Hawks!”

“Keigo.”

“Sorry. Keigo!”

His expression is cheeky as you go back and forth for a while, and he’s unrelenting even as you gently beat him with a couch pillow.

It eventually morphs into a small war, the two of you chasing each other around the apartment, wielding whatever cushions you can get your hands on. You eventually end up tripping over the coffee table, shouting as you smack your foot and fall into an ungraceful heap on your back. Keigo wastes no time pouncing on you and pinning your arms beside your head.

Your wings are splayed out on either side of you, and he’s careful not to kneel on them. Even with your foot throbbing the way it is, he knows you could easily get away if you tried. But you don’t struggle. Instead you lay there quietly, out of breath, eyes locked on his. He can feel the warmth creeping up his neck, and you can see the redness returning to his cheeks.

“I...saw the article you sent to me today,” he begins, voice low. “I’m sorry they brought you into it.”

“I don’t mind,” you admit, “I just worry it might be detrimental to you. Some of your fans will be pissed.”

“Seriously?” He sits up on your chest, releasing your wrists. “You’re not online much, are you. Most of my fans ship us.”

“The hell does that mean?”

He laughs, soft of melodious. “It means that they like the idea of us. As a couple.”

“And it doesn’t bother you?” you wonder.

“No? Why would it?”

You avert your gaze from him, your insecurities and doubts creeping in under the scrutiny of his golden eyes. “I...guess you could just...do better, is all.”

“Chickadee...Y/N, look at me.”

You squeeze your eyes shut and shake your head. You feel very exposed laid out on the carpet, and you wish you’d never said anything.

A warm hand cups your cheek. “C’mon, sweetheart. Let me see those pretty eyes.”

You’re so flustered you don’t know what to do with yourself. Your heart is beating rapidly against your ribcage, and you’re positive he can see your embarrassment when you finally do as he asks.

But he only smiles gently at you, leaning down to rest his forehead against yours.

“Listen to me, and listen well. You’re the best I can do. You bring out everything good in me, and make me forget the bad. You make me happy.”

“Keigo-”

He shushes you by bringing your lips together.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

[amygeeunit]

The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life. 

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018. 

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me. 

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I  “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me. 

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own. 

Until next time.

[uncloseted]

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi!  I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to.  And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book.  This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit.  I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2.       What makes your day better?

Iced coffee.  There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3.       What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4.       What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus!  It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5.       Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6.       Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7.       Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes!  I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8.       What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am.  Also Patti Smith, she’s great.  I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you.  There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9.       Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier. 

10.   What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there.  I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic. 

11.   What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12.  What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13.  Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14.  How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess?  I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15.  How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none.  I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer. 

16.  What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore).  I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17.  Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think.  I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention. 

18.  Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19.  What is your zodiac?

Libra!  My birthday is coming up on the 17th. 

20.  Do you relate to it?

I do!  And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me. 

21.  What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22.  Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always.  But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23.  What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have?  I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24.  What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls.  I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find.  I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25.  What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it.  But so should birth control.  And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well. 

26.  Do you have a bucket list?

Not really.  I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27.  Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress.  And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always. 

28.  What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend.  Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29.  What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not).  Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30.  What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is.  But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31.  Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do.  But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32.  What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”.  I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”.  I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33.  What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably?  I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34.  What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so?  They would have to be out of college.

35.  What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator.  And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36.  What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation.  I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments.  And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37.  If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark.  But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad.  I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38.  What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one.  I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39.  How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013!  I’m coming up on my six year anniversary.  I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40.  What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect. 

41.  Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42.  What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43.  What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that?  I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44.  What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45.  On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7.  I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46.  What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend.  I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work.  I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning.  But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself.  I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47.  When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14.  What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me.  My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated.  But now I barely remember that person, and  I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48.  At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all.  I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you.  But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49.  What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney.  They’re the people who design the theme parks.  I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50.  What do you crave right now?

Excitement!  Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored.  I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

[shogetsus]

Stripes of Auburn, Eye of Sapphire

22. Mai

Read on Ao3 | Read on FFN |  Masterlist

Summary: “I wasn’t the only isolated case of smallpox, back in the day. But I’ve been lucky to only lose an eye from it, that’s for sure…”

The harsh truth from the reality they live in weighs heavily on her. Masamune speaks as if somewhat detached from the horrible fact he lost his bride, of all people. However, to some extent she comes to understand a commander and head of a clan like him must have spent his entire life getting acquainted with death. May it be due to war, a disease, or just birth, the prospect of losing a loved one must be just that inevitable for people in that era.

Perhaps that’s why he goes by living life to the fullest, not missing a single moment.

Spoilers: Masamune’s route Warning for slight sexual themes.

Mai

“I came for a tryst.”

What? Did she hear him right? It wouldn’t be surprising otherwise, considering the very loud way her heartbeat begins to throb in her ears.

When at first Masamune had partially trapped her against the wall of her room, then he makes sure to let her know the new attempt isn’t going to end up as the former. Leaning an elbow beside her head, he cradles her cheek with his other hand, drawing Mai’s face up to meet his.

She’d previously thought she’d heard a purr, and turns out, it’d come from her all along. “Taking things a little faster, now?”

“What can I say, I do like turning up the speed on things,” His smirk widens, turning wicked and impossibly more alluring, “And you don’t seem to have any troubles catching up with me so far…”

Ever so temptingly and locking her in place with his gaze only, he slowly pulls the tie on her hair loose, her long copper locks falling over her shoulders like droplets. Somehow he manages to make such a simple gesture so erotic her breath catches, muscles going taut with anticipation.

“I left Kojuro in charge of Shogetsu for tonight. I thought you’d appreciate that,”

“I’m pretty sure I still see a large, imprudent kit in front of me,” Mai can’t help the small banter, visibly shivering at the feeling of his index finger sliding down the column of her throat.

Is she truly ready for a ‘tryst’ with ancient Japan’s most casual kisser, though?

Nah, he’s not really serious though.

With that in mind, her former hesitation takes a turn into a more playful mood, feeling up for indulging him in a little teasing game. And so, tiptoeing just slightly and holding onto his shoulders, she drops an open-mouthed kiss on Masamune’s cheekbone, right below his eyepatch. That side of his face feels a tad bit rougher to the touch, but it doesn’t make him any less attractive; in fact, rather the opposite.

“Tempting, but I think I’ll pass…” She breathes close to his ear, feeling more than glimpsing the way he worries his lower lip and sighs, low and deep.

“You keep saying that, kitten. It breaks my heart,” Leaning back, he fakes a pout while casually tucking a loose strand behind her ear. “I was kidding, though. Actually, I have a request for you,” Without further ado, Masamune properly enters her room, unfurling a large piece of blank paper on her desk—precisely in the same place when a certain letter was, mere moments ago.

The sight brings her back to the former source of her concerns, scratching the back of her head in an uneasy manner. Should she bring the Shingen Takeda subject up with Masamune? Truth be told, he doesn’t truly seem like the appropriate guy to confide such delicate topic on, all the more considering Shingen is technically his enemy by proxy, given Masamune’s alliance with Nobunaga.

It’s probably better if I meet with this envoy first, and then decide on what to do from then on, though. Besides, tonight doesn’t look like a good night to bring up something like that.

“Is something the matter?”

“Oh, no. It’s just… what gorgeous handmade paper!” Mai quickly brings up an excuse, “I guess since we are in the 16th century I can’t say its antique, but still!”

He quirks a brow, snorting, “Somehow that makes me feel old…”

“Haha, don’t be silly. But what’s it for?”

“I’d like you to draw me a picture,” Masamune says simply, “Something like what I saw in your sketchbook. I want to use it as a hanging scroll.”

A little confused, she tilts her head. What? He’s not meaning one of my clothing designs? That’s not really art, though. And come to think of it, he hasn’t yet returned the dress design he’d snatched from her sketchbook. “Why would you want that from me? I can’t really do calligraphy or landscapes…”

“Because I like your art. I can see the effort in it.” He replies in such a straightforward, matter-of-factly way it kind of stuns her for a moment. “It’s flawed in a rough, energetic way that makes it beautiful.”

Is he talking about her designs or himself just then? “Um, Masamune, they’re rough because they’re rough sketches…”

He shrugs, “I still think they’re impressive, and clearly something I haven’t seen before in my life,” His face softens, dropping a hand on her shoulder, “I really do appreciate the way you draw, Mai.”

The genuine, easygoing smile narrowing his face touches her heart, but most of it, his complete sincerity. It’s not just a vague praise, Masamune truly does mean every word he says.

“Thank you for that…” She can’t help beaming at him, a nice and warm feeling settling in, “Is that all you needed from me, though?”

“Yeah. And don’t worry if you mess up. I can always bring more paper,”

Plopping down on the floor beside her, Masamune’s eye is bright and vivid, and her cheeks start to hurt with how hard she smiles back at him. In reality, he’s the first person who’d thought of her drawings as actual art, and that mention alone makes her all the more joyful inside.

After looking down at the piece of blank paper before her, Mai summons the resolve to start. This will be my first time drawing a hanging scroll. I thought the pressure would block me, but I’m actually inspired!

Taking the closest brush and preparing some ink, first she settles for starting with a female figure, opting to figuring the rest out as she goes. It’s been some time ever since she doodled anything—a little more than a month, in fact—but doing something as menial as sitting down and draw something puts her more at ease than most things in the world.

Glancing fleetingly at him from time to time, Masamune remains quiet, resting a hand behind him and slipping into a relaxed position as he watches her draw. The metallic, golden crescent moon hanging on his belt and the curved patterns of his kimono catch her eye, bringing some inspiration from his ever so present moon theme.

It gets to be so easy for her mind to prone on thoughts of him lately, but she can’t truly help it. What are his favorite colors? Which patterns would suit him best? The first thing that comes to mind is that Masamune Date reminds her of a spring season—fresh, vivid, pleasantly warm and lively. The most colorful time of the year and, to some extent, the most positive in her opinion.

Struck with a nice idea, Mai continues her design in peaceful, companionable silence. “Hey, you. Still awake?” She says softly after a while.

“Mm-hm…” It’s a pretty relaxed response coming from a wordy guy like him.  

Lifting her brush, she gives him a good once over look, but he doesn’t look sleepy at all. However, he seems to be not quite here or there, watching her undisturbed yet most likely with his mind elsewhere.

It makes her smile regardless, content to have that comfortable moment between them. “Just so you know, I’m really happy you chose me for this. It means a lot you coming to me with this request.”

“Really, now?” A sort of realization dawns on his face just then, his eye widening, “Well, I’m glad.” Hesitantly, Masamune gives her the sweetest smile she’s so far seen in him, looking very much like a picture himself.

Man, if only I could frame that look on his face, so I could watch it every morning…

A soft, longing sigh appears to escape him, crawling closer. “I really do love seeing you smile, kitten…” Quite smoothly, he slips his arm around her, and her world suddenly shifts.

Huh? They’d moved so gently it takes her a moment to register she’s on the floor and Masamune’s over her. Out of the corner of her eye, Mai can see the brush rolling across the floor, ink trailing over the mat.

“Mai…” His fingers turn her face back up to his all too easily, warm breath fanning her lips. There’s something so incredibly tender in the way he stares at her, as if admiring a work of art.

The sight becomes impossible to resist, tilting her head up and dusting his lips with a fleeting kiss, barely touching. His hand travels up to cradle the back of her head, holding her so carefully, so lovingly, her heart feels like about to burst.

His chestnut bangs fall loosely over his face, close enough they tickle her cheek. “Just look at me…”

I am looking at you. You’re gorgeous, as always, and—

That train of thought doesn’t go further than that as Masamune returns to brush his mouth against hers; softly, seeming to take his precious time into savoring the texture of her lips, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of her.

She can’t remember the last time she’d been kissed like that, if ever—the sort of kiss one could only see in the movies. That perfect and blissful kind, the one that comes former to a declaration of—

Tensing, only slowly she pries herself out of the moment. “I… think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

Masamune’s eye flutters open, looking somewhat drowsy. “You think so? On whose part?”

“Perhaps on both,” Her voice comes off hoarse, and that makes him laugh, not minding as much and bringing his lips to her neck, breath hot in her ear.

When he nips at her earlobe, her treacherous body lets her know it doesn’t think there’s a misunderstanding at all, acting on its own accord and reflexively grinding against his thigh. His hair is incredibly soft as it brushes against the crook of her neck, prompting her to wind her hands through his locks.

Damn, damn! What are we doing?

Catching the collar of her juban in his teeth, Masamune pulls it down wolfishly, baring her skin down to her collarbone. A particular well placed nip sends her eyes rolling backwards, a groan escaping her.

You’re a flirt, and this isn’t going to mean anything, and we have to stop before it does. Because it’s going to get worse if we don’t…

“Masamune…” A hand sneaks its way up her thigh ever so teasingly. Come on, you’re not 15 anymore, keep it together! “P-please, let’s hold up.”

To her relief, he does so right away, “For what?”

Looking up at her, Mai has a moment to think straight. “I was still in the middle of drawing your picture for one. Now there’s ink all over the floor.”

“Well, that’s a problem.” Not making a big deal about it, Masamune moves away to lay beside the futon, watching her with clear amusement.

“I mean it, though,” Even when toying with a strand of her hair, instant regret courses though her, missing his passionate touch the very moment she’s reprieved of it. No. no, I need to focus. “Look, I think you’re mistaken about something, Masamune. You and I aren’t a couple, or an item, or a ‘thing’.”

Those alluring fingers of his stop midway. “I… don’t know what any of that means.” He deadpans.

She straightens up a little. “We’re not dating? We’re not lovers? I mean, as nice and fun this is, I’m not quite okay with sleeping with you on the spur of the moment.”

“… Who’s saying anything about sleep?” What? Oh no. Oh, no, no. Cultural AND language barrier alert!

“Okay, what I mean by that is, uh, bedding me. The sleeping part comes afterwards.” Mai struggles to make her point as best as she can, hoping it’s enough, “And those other things? That’s someone you might be ‘sleeping with’.”

Oddly so, Masamune keeps shooting her a confused look. “Why would you do that, though? I have my own futon if I want to rest…”

“What?” That takes her aback, not quite getting where he’s going. “You’re not trying to say you never—“

But just then, “… Hey, Mai, it’s the middle of the night. Keep it down.”

Her face goes white as a ghost. And things just got worse! It’s Hideyoshi! He wouldn’t barge in, would he? He’d better not!

Masamune appears very skeptical of that, however. “I think we should hide.”

“You too?” Apparently, Masamune’s first instinct is to grab the futon cover in a rush, bringing her with it. Clutching her close to his chest, he lies down and throws the cover over both of them.

There’s no way Hideyoshi’s going to fall for this!

Pressed tight against him, she can’t see anything but hears the door slide open. “Mai? Did you already fall asleep?”

Dozens of unmentionable things to say cross her mind at that, putting an effort into biting the inside of her cheek to keep as quiet as possible. Masamune, I’m going to kill you AND Hideyoshi if he finds us!

An awfully tense moment goes by, and Mai looks up into his face, watching her partner in crime putting a finger against his lips—still amused to no end. Staring at him in awe, it’s hard to believe how her evening went from a lonely and almost depressing one, to so many gears up as that.

Every moment with him seems to feel like a whole new exciting experience to unfold. I feel like such a kid. Honestly, though, this is fun.

Pressing herself a little closer to Masamune, she can’t help giving him a conspiratorial smile. The only air around them is their breaths, making both their faces flushed. “He’ll never stop lecturing if he sees us…” He mouths.

“Shut it—!“ They whisper to each other, their quiet breathing heating the air even more, noses touching. And yet, every moment she spends staring into Masamune’s eye—the brightest light around—the more their bodies seem to mold around one another, something more than just mere heat growing below the covers of her futon.

Hideyoshi, hurry up and go already!

After a long, tense moment, Hideyoshi sighs. “I guess she was sleeping? She makes a lot of noise in her sleep. Her breathing sounds a little labored too. Maybe I’ll ask Ieyasu if there’s a sleep aid for her.”

Masamune purses his lips, starting to snicker. “Don’t you dare—“ She warns him with gritted teeth.

He shakes in her arms, trying his best to restrain himself. “I can’t help it…“

“Suck it up!” An eternity later, they finally hear the door shut close and the sound of footsteps retreating back down the hall. Mai is the first to take a peek from below the covers. “Is he gone?”

A quite disheveled chestnut head makes his appearance as well. “Looks like it.” As the two of them leave the futon, Masamune can’t seem to hold back his laughter any longer. “Hah—hahaha!”

“Don’t laugh, you’ll draw him back!”

It doesn’t seem easy at all for him to contain his fit now that it’s started, but at least he tries to muffle it by sticking his face into her pillow, dropping unceremoniously onto his back. “You can be expecting some medicine for your labored breathing soon.”

She snorts, “If it’s from Ieyasu it’ll probably taste really bitter!”

“Still, I’m impressed with Hideyoshi’s mind. ‘Mai, you’re talking too loud… in your sleep!’” A small snicker escapes her at his attempt imitating his voice, “I kind of feel for his wife, to be honest…”

Soon, Mai can’t hold her laughter in either, plopping down on the futon once again next to Masamune. “Wow! I can’t remember the last time I did anything like that, if ever. I’m exhausted.” Turning on their sides and facing each other, his gorgeous eye is full of mirth, and she’s certain she must be looking the very same as him.

“Me too. All that good energy spent on nothing.”

“If you hadn’t started this, we wouldn’t have had to hide. That’ll teach you to interrupt people when they’re drawing…”

He quirks a brow, “In my defense, you were smiling so cutely, I just couldn’t resist,” As if to make a point, he shoots her a toothy grin, not bothering to wait any longer and cradling her close once again.

To be completely honest, there’s something about their undeniable chemistry that makes it somewhat hard to understand. Mai hadn’t had that instant connection with anyone before, and regardless of how they’re both admittedly playing around and basking in the moment, she can’t deny that inescapable feeling of being drawn to Masamune.

It’s as if they’re bound by invisible strings. It would be silly to call it fate, yet it’s hard to describe it otherwise.

Climbing down from their mirth, Masamune idly traces soothing circles on her lower back, sharing a blissful moment of peace and quiet. She sighs contentedly at his ministrations, burying her face in the crook of his neck, breathing on his masculine scent.

An endearing chuckle escapes him. “You look tired, but not tired enough to poke your cheeks, kitten.”

“You endless tease…” She snaps her teeth in a mock show of threatening to bite his approaching finger, managing to crawl even further into his arms. “Want to stay the night?”

“… Is that the way in the future to propose ‘sleeping together’?”

At that, it takes her a moment to register what she just said, her growing slumbering mind seeming to have made the decisions for her. Turns out, though, it’s a near impossible effort to let him go back to his manor at that point, so she doesn’t regret her words quite as much.

“In fact, I meant actual sleeping,” That train of thought brings her back to a former comment, turning up to search into his gorgeous blue eye. “Riddle me curious, though, but why do I get the feeling you never, um, spent the night cuddling up with anyone before?”

Propping himself on his elbow, he snorts. “I think I know where you’re going with that, and no, I didn’t,” He says, “I don’t know your future time customs, but in here, only wives and concubines are there to warm up a man’s bed,”

“Oh, right. But now that you mention it, how are you still single?” She can’t help but wonder. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m just guessing a guy like you surely must have had a lot of prospects…”

“Hah, not really.” He shakes his head, “But I do appreciate the sentiment, kitten,” He adds up sultrily.

“Seriously?” Maybe she’s biased—Who am I kidding, I totally am—but she finds that hard to believe, “Huh, I just figured, as the head of a clan, taking a wife would be a sort of a priority to you,”

“Well, I do was set up to be wed once, with a pretty lady from a northern clan,” Masamune goes on, relaxing further into her futon, “My cousin Shigezane married her sister, though, so the clan got into my fief in the end,”

“And why didn’t you?” As far as she knew about, Masamune seems to be to some extent the highest figure in the northern provinces, “Wasn’t a good match or something like that?”

“Quite the opposite. My bride and I were childhood friends actually,” As lenient as he seems to be with talking about it, his smile doesn’t look truly sincere then.

“So? May I ask what happened?”

Something in the way his gaze wavers just slightly makes her suspect there’s more to it. Is it he doesn’t want to allow himself having a partner? Or is it just him not looking forward to leaving another widow to mourn in the world, considering his job?

“Well, Mego died.”

She breathes, eyes widening in shock. “What?” He lays that out so simply and in a straightforward manner, for a moment she can’t bring herself to believe him. But he has no reason to make up a lie, “I’m… I’m so sorry, Masamune.”

“What for? It’s not your fault,” He pats her hand in reassurance, looking painfully honest. “I wasn’t the only isolated case of smallpox, back in the day. But I’ve been lucky to only lose an eye from it, that’s for sure…”

The harsh truth from the reality they live in weighs heavily on her. Masamune speaks as if somewhat detached from the horrible fact he lost his bride, of all people. However, to some extent she comes to understand a commander and head of a clan like him must have spent his entire life getting acquainted with death. May it be due to war, a disease, or just birth, the prospect of losing a loved one must be just that inevitable for people in that era.

Perhaps that’s why he goes by living life to the fullest, not missing a single moment. Oh, Masamune. And here I thought my life sucked. My troubles seem so small and pointless in comparison to all he must have gone through.

Struck with a sudden urge to just touch him, Mai reaches out and takes his hand in hers, “I wouldn’t call it just luck, though. I think, above that, it was your strong will what got you through,” Now aware of his admitted weakness, she puts an effort into smiling her most genuine smile, “I really like that about you…”

His face softens, taking the effect she’d been looking forward to, “Aside from my good looks, right?”

“What do you think?” Shooting him a sultry look, she opts onto changing the mood, “But you know what? Considering you just admitted you never experienced the pleasure of cuddling up, allow me to show you what you’ve been missing,”

“You’ve got my attention, kitten…”

She’d be a fool to think she’s only leaning forward and kissing him for other reasons aside of an all-consuming need to do so. Truth is, she wants him as close as humanly possible, craving for the warmth of his lips like a thirsty man in the desert.

If Masamune believes it’s selfish of her, he doesn’t seem to mind at all, eagerly following and going down atop the futon together in a messy bundle of arms and legs. “Now, lay down, tiger,” She advises after they part for breath.

Straddling him, Mai then proceeds to slowly and gently disrobe him, all the time under the scrutiny of his very intense gaze. His black cape goes off first, then the white belt holding his hakama in place, and so until he’s just down to his under kimono, leaving both in a matching state of dressing.

A teasing hand snakes up her thigh, and as tempted as she is to turn things more spicy, miraculously she finds the strength to refrain herself just so, dropping at Masamune’s side on the pillow. “Hey, I said just sleeping, remember?”

“Alright, alright…” Faking a pout, he seems rather more curious to see where she’s getting at than anything else, his eye fluttering close as her hands thread into his locks.

Turning off the lantern, the moonlight coming from the slit of the doors to her veranda haloes Masamune’s figure in breathtaking silver hues; his eye, half-lidded, still staring at her, seeming to enjoy her ministrations on his hair. Her fingers find the tie of his eyepatch, and after waiting for his explicit approval, the cloth goes off as well, dropped next to his pair of katana and rest of his clothing at the side of the futon.

Still massaging his scalp in soothing strokes, he hums contentedly. “Mmh, this is nice,” He manages to use whatever strength is left in him to pull her flush against his torso, legs tangling together under the covers.

Soon, his hums turn into quiet breaths, finally falling into a slumber, leaving Mai to bask upon the adorable view. All her worries appear to not matter as much anymore then, preferring to watch over him, not minding for what may come tomorrow.

For now, the world resumes to just the two of them, cuddled in each other’s arms. And she can only hope for the night to never end.

[bluedraggy]

An essay on writing a fanfiction, and grieving for an OC.

(Spoilers for You Only Live 18 Times are complete. If you’ve not read it and have any intention of doing so, this essay isn’t a good idea to read first.)

I don't know exactly who my target audience for this essay is honestly, but in my conceit, I felt like writing it anyway. You're welcome to ignore it. No sexy khajiits here, alas. But I wanted to write something about my process of writing fanfiction, and YOL18T is a good example of that.

First, the concept of my Spyjirra stories started out simply enough - I got the idea of basing a story on the old 007 movies, but with a sexy Ra'Jirra khajiit and set in a future Elder Scrolls universe. I wouldn't say I literally copied from the movies, just got some general outlines from them. However, I had to upscale the TES technology to roughly 1700s era, with some bits of technology more advanced, others less than the literal period. So we have rifles and handguns, but no motorized vehicles. Magic still exists, but is fading.

When I started YOL18T I first watched the old Bond movie You Only Live Twice.  In it, "American and Russian spacecraft go missing, leaving each superpower to blame the other."  The protagonist fakes his own death, then is sent to investigate in Japan. They discover it's a conspiracy by SPECTRE, the standard organized villain corporation.

So I start with a similar plotline, but spacecraft are obviously way too advanced for even my future-TES universe. Instead, the plot revolves around ships with a new technology - engines. Hammerfell and the Imperials are the two superpowers, with Hammerfell playing the part of the Russians, though not quite exclusively.  In fact, I have Hammerfell being the more technologically advanced of the two. Anyway, so instead of spacecraft, both countries are testing new powered ships, but they are both destroyed and each side blames the other.

In my story, Elsweyr plays the part of the English, ostensibly an ally of Cyrodiil but Ra'Jirra leans towards liking Hammerfell better after the last story. The Aldmeri Dominion plays the role of SPECTRE, and I conceived of them having a submarine and torpedoes that they used to destroy the ships - though the submarine is magically powered since the Altmer still possess decent magical abilities.

I was able to link the first story to the second by having Ra'Jirra's fake suicide done in Hammerfell where she meets a couple of characters from the original story. But the main new OC is Wears-Only-Ropes, an Argonian sailor who is on the Imperial ship that is destroyed. It seemed natural that, since this story would be very naval-oriented, the Argonians with their ability to breathe underwater would play an important role in any navy, even though their own country is resolutely neutral and not really even ocean-going.

(Forgive me pls for posting Wears-Only-Ropes images you’ve already seen. I am still in mourning over her, in a more real sense than I have any right to be.)

In the Bond movie, a large portion of it is devoted to James Bond visiting Japan and some serious time is taken in describing the society there. I thought that having Ra'Jirra visit Argonia, (The Argonians wouldn't call it the Black Marsh after all), would be a natural replacement for Japan. So similarly I spend some time imagining the society that the Argonians would have.  Even the Sumo wrestling scene gets an equivalent Argonian sporting event - chase the eel.

So while I do follow the plotline of the Bond movie in very broad terms, the specifics are very different obviously.

Anyway, as I was writing, I realized early on that Ra'Jirra needed a partner - primarily so she has someone to talk to and I don't need to have internal dialogue, but also to give an alternate viewpoint on occasion. Since I tend to write sexy scenes once in a while, a male khajiit would make sense. (I don't think it's too sexist to have her be hetero. Besides, I had a rather clear lesbian scene in the prior story with her anyway.)  Then I realized that it would be cute if her partner was an Alfiq - one of the more bizarre forms of khajiit in that they're basically the size and shape of a housecat, but intelligent - though TES sources indicate they can't speak. So that would be a bit of a problem. I worked around that by having him be a biologist of sorts working with Lycanthropy who had been turned into an Alfiq. Also, he gets to turn back into his native form of a Cathay when the moons are aligned. So Ra'Jirra and he can occasionally have Sexy Fun Times. Plus he can talk. Okay, that's a good OC and should be fun to play with! A spy organization like the HMSS would certainly have good use of someone like that.

I then started the story with a chapter on Wears-Only-Ropes and the destruction of her ship.  Rather liked how it turned out. I thought it made for a pretty good "hook" to start the reader out with something big.  Then I had to abandon her for most of the next half. In fact, she doesn't actually meet Ra'Jirra till 3/4 of the way through the story, so she gets a few more chapters from her point of view. But I came to really like her as a character. Mixing some bits I knew of pirates (women pirates would typically go shirtless as did the men) I had the concept of her "wearing" ropes as a bra of sorts, thus the name.

Another thing that originally came from the Bond film... in it, James Bond flys a mini-helicopter at one point. Well, a helicopter is way too advanced, but I came up with the CATv3 instead - a sort of Jet Ski/Waverunner thing. Once I had that, I had to give it some sort of weapon. A set of mines would make sense, as the thing would be bouncing all over the waves so trying to aim it with a gun in the front wouldn't really work.  As soon as I got the idea of a mines on the CATv3, the logical way to destroy the sub became apparent.  

But the mines would be surface mines, meant to thwart attackers chasing her on boats or similar.  The submarine would be deep underwater... how? Oh. OH! OOOOOH!

Suddenly, Wears-Only-Ropes' fate was sealed. She would have to take a mine down to the sub. Ra'Jirra couldn't do it even if she wanted to. Argonians can breathe underwater. Ra'Jirra can dog-paddle for a little bit.

Even then I had hoped to have her survive. I really had grown fond of her. But, minimal though it is, I do try to ground my stories in reality as much as possible given The Elder Scrolls-inspired world. I researched underwater explosions.  I'd hoped that perhaps an underwater explosion - given the density and non-compact-ability of water might allow her to live. But my research showed that, far from being safer than airborne explosions, an underwater explosion is even more deadly. And the explosion would be huge. The mine wouldn't just detonate against the hull of the sub, it would trigger the explosion of all the torpedoes within.

Fight as I would as a writer, I couldn't justifiably have her live. Any number of solutions were possible, but they all were just too outlandish and smacked of Deus Ex-Machina solutions. No, she had to die in the explosion. Granted, she'd expected to. All her 'family' and friends had died in the original ship torpedoing at the first chapter. It would be fitting that she would sacrifice herself to their retribution. I couldn't deny her that. So, though I don't explicitly make it clear, she died.

It's weird how such a thing can affect me, her author. I really feel bad about it, even though it was both fitting and made for a more impressive story IMHO. I've toyed with the idea of her Twin Sister, etc, but that doesn't feel right either.  No, she's a one-story character, and YOL18T is her story as much as Ra'Jirra's.

One other thing, I needed a core motive for the Dominion's action. Sure, they were trying to instigate a war between Hammerfell and Cyrodiil - but WHY would they want to do that? The answer was right in front of me. Technology vs Magic. In my TES-future universe, magic is dying. The Altmer of the Dominion are the last capable magic-users (to any large extent), but the humans and their rapidly increasing technology were threatening. But not just that. I conceived of them using their magic to look far into the future, and what they saw there was a world in which humans were the only intelligent inhabitants. The khajiit, argonians and mer were all gone. It gave them a much more noble reason for their actions - even if they were also self-serving. And therein lies the core of the sequel and end of the trilogy actually. In YOL18T, I didn't do much with that, other than have the Dominion explain their reasons to Ra'Jirra.

And that's how YOL18T was conceived. I am currently doing an audio-recording of the story chapter-by-chapter. I'm not a good voice actor at all. In fact, I just pitch-shift my voice to portray the different characters in it. I spend most of my time adding background effects so it's not quite just a dry reading. Though I'm also currently writing the sequel and last story in the Spyjirra trilogy, I think YOL18T is the highlight - even though the current one is a "bigger picture" story than either of the first two and really doesn’t track along with the Bond movie in any way.

But I do miss Ropes. She deserved more than a single story. The one thing I might do someday is write more of her backstory. But prequels are a tough sell, esp. when you know how her story has to end. Eh... maybe not.  I tried to write a prequel once for Katia to explore her life before she came to Anvil. I aborted it as too depressing. I really prefer happy endings. So probably Ropes is gone for good. I hope her story is good enough for her.

[ummmhellobam]

24 and clueless

Hello World

I think I just needed to vent or release some of this pent-up depression or angry that is literally weighing me down. So, this month, I turned 24. I should have been excited, but honestly, I am miserable. So first, things were going well, I got a new second job, was able to save money, and was able to buy myself some much needed me stuff. But I think, well I know, the misery came from the fact that I am 24 and I still live at home, am single (currently, I’ll detail more) and childless. I literally cannot get on Facebook or Instagram without someone posting that their having a baby or THEIR SECOND CHILD or getting engaged or married. It’s like did I miss out on how to have your life together class. I was in a relationship, sort of, well I was made to believe I was. There was this guy who I have known for 7 years and he isn’t really Mr. Perfect, but he was Mr. Charming and Confident. When we met, it wasn’t love at first sight. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, my best friend liked him, that whole teen rom-com drama. I eventually got to know him and there was just something about him that made me feel alive or at least how you feel when your high, so I’ve been told. Anyway, we did a thing, not sex, and things changed. He stopped being that guy who made me feel so amazing about myself and became the sleazy slime ball he is (still and current). But still I wanted him. I took every chance I could to be next to him, like saving him a seat in class or on the bus, trying to wear nice clothes, makeup, perfumes, so he would notice and compliment me. I mean anything, just for him to smile that big goofy smile that made my heart melt time and time again. We would have our moments, things I will not discuss, but they were are intimate hideouts and feelings that I knew we shared and was just not imaging, like our first kiss. Still to this day it was the best kiss I had ever had and all other kiss since have been compared to that moment. Eventually he graduated and I was left all alone. No one made me feel the way he did. I tried dating, but I just wasn’t into any of the other guys. He would text me from time to time. I loved those moments. But then I saw that he had moved on and then so I did the same. He texted me prom night, mentioning that he wishes he could have been my date. TBH I wanted him to be. He also mentioned wanting to be my first. Again, TBH I wanted that to. But we were just too far and on two different paths. So, came the time to graduate. I had a boyfriend who I lost my v card to, but tbh the whole time I was thinking of him. About how he would be gentle, he would probably take his time and we kiss and he would hold me and ask me if I was okay. He would have been a gentleman. Time flew by, I was in and out of relationships for the next three years, and he would always manage to pop up at the wrong time, always wanted to “talk” and then proceed to ask for nudes. It got old real fast. At one point, and I guess I was going through one of my many break ups and I was still living in the moment of when I thought I had a pregnancy scare and he said that I could come stay with him and he would take care of me. Yes, he really said that, how can I not fall head over heels for a guy like that. Well I told him how I felt, because I was tired of his talk then nude’s conversation and I just wanted him. So, I told him that I like him and he simply said I have a girlfriend. In that very instant, I felt my heart break. It was like some was literally tearing my heart in half and setting them on fire. I cried so hard, and it’s funny because my lousy ex at the time was trying to get back with me for the 100th time. So here I am crying over someone who only wanted nudes and having to deal with an asshole who had a picture of the girl he cheated on me with on his wall. If you can’t guess from reading this, my love life is straight fucked up, and that isn’t even the worse part, which I won’t get into now, maybe another time. Anyway, so another year passes, its summer 2016, I am finally free from the mess of my ex and haven’t heard from him in 2 years. I am sitting in my room, enjoy my independence, when I get a message. Like any person who get a message from an unknown number I do not know, I reply Who dis? He replied and my heart began to jump up and down, like it was trying to escape the loveless prison I sent it to. But my eyes nearly rolled out of my skull with disgusted and anger. We talk for a bit, you know the whole, how are you? What have you been up to? Etc. etc. etc. So, then he goes, can I tell you something? And I say sure of course be honest with me. And he was. He sent me this long text about how he missed me and missed our friendship and missed the way things used to be between us. He also mentioned that he was going off to the army because school just wasn’t gong how he wanted. I was in shook. I honestly did not know how to reply to such an emotional text. I replied that I too missed talking to him, that I was proud of him for doing something so courageous and brave and that he shouldn’t give up on school. I ALSO MENTIONED THAT WE SHOULD JUST WORK ON OUR FRIENDSHIP UNTIL HE GOT BACK, BECAUSE PEOPLE USUALLY MEET OTHER PEOPLE WHEN THEIR IN THE ARMED SERVICES AND THAT WOULD LEAVE ME HURT. I typed that like that because it is the very key to these upcoming life events. Anyway, he totally agrees with me, but he keeps saying that he wants me to be the girl that is waiting for him back home. And in my mind, that just sounds so wonderful and romantic and as someone who has devoted her life to rom-com, everything I could have wished for. Well-off he went, and then soon came letters. Letters from basic training that were so sweet, loving, and just so romantic. I used to take those letters everywhere. Those letters are what got me through long miserable shift and I just had to read them every night before bed and every morning when I woke up. He eventually got his phone back and then the letters stopped. It was okay because he would text me every chance he got and I would call and leave vm for him to listen to and then we had like apps where we would set dates for in the future for when he would come home. It was perfect, but then life. He eventually became more distant. I honestly don’t know what triggered it. Was is because I missed his graduation or was it because he was trying to work on things with his ex. Well the day came and then went when he would promise he would be home and then we could talk and just be a couple. He texted me days later and I was upset because I had my hopes et really high. Instead of apologizing, he left me on read, to which I sent a very long reply about him getting my hope up only for me to be left alone. He never replied back and time went on. I eventually throw away the letters and blamed myself for not being able to keep a man. I wrote out this long desperate letter about how I missed him and didn’t expect him to feel the same and I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me, that mainly I just wanted a friend. I sent it in March, the month he told me he would be deployed. He replied in April. I was at work when I got the message and then I nearly cried and screamed in front of a lot of people. He had sent this long message about being in Japan and how he was sorry how things went, he never meant to hurt me, and that he was trying to fix things with his ex and he shouldn’t have led me on if he knew that was going to happen. I was upset about the whole ex thing, but some stupid part of me read only the part about him being in love me with me and let that go to my head. So of course, he adds me back on Facebook and I am scrolling through his page when I see two things. 1. He is ENGAGED and 2. He came home in January. My blood was hot and my heart was like the titanic, just sinking down into a dark abyss. I literally just started at those two posts for hours before I impulsive messaged him about it, it being the engagement, not the fact that he was home and never came to see me, idk why I didn’t bring that up. Anyway, He was so confused and didn’t understand where I was coming from. I ended things once and for all. I told him that if he couldn’t see that I still had feelings, then we don’t need to be friends, because I will not be your sidepiece. I blocked him and didn’t hear from him until about June. He messaged me on snapchat, an app that literally just sat on my phone. He sent me a picture of all my letters that I had sent him. I didn’t know if I should have been impressed or upset. I went with upset. I sent a picture telling him that I moved on and he should do the same, that he should throw them away because I sent those letters to someone who I thought loved me. I didn’t reply back. I, being the weak and gullible person that I am, sent him another long text the next day, saying that I was sorry for coming off as a bitch and that I just think its best for us to not talk and just go our separate ways. He sends this jumbo, super long text, tell me how he is still in love with me, how his engagement was just a spur of the moment and he didn’t think it would last (turns out she was moving to el Paso) and other romantic and heart felt emotional confession that I had wanted from him. Well we talk and talked for hours and he even video chatted with me the next day and it was perfect. For a week, then the next week came and we got into one disagreement and one argument. He broke up with me, saying that he only wanted to be friends. How does someone go from I just want to be with you to let’s just be friends? Well I backed off and then again, He got my hopes up and then crushed them again, this time it was on my birthday. He was out clubbing, posting on snapchat some girl dancing on a pole and then goes on Facebook and says he is a in a relationship with some girl. My heart breaks and I just can’t take the whole, one minute he is calling me every Sunday telling me he loves me and he likes our weekly calls and then the next him and some white trash bitch are in a relationship??? Like what the fuck? So, I call him out on it with a long message bout how I feel and how it’s not fair how he keeps leading me on. At this point, we spent so much time not talking I was just becoming more and more depressed and I felt like I was back in a relationship with my miserable ex who would do the same thing of ignore me and then popping back up when it was convenient for him, And I told him that that was a deal breaker for me. Like I get we can’t talk every day, but somethings are better than nothing. He sends back that he is sorry that he never meant to make me feel this way, that he is not going to let me go without a fight and I guess to me that made it all better for the time. HE went back to ignoring me and at this point I was just numb. I didn’t want to upset or make him leave so I just bit my tongue and just stayed waiting by the phone. The holidays rolled around. He was extra affectionate and adorable. But when they were over so were we. I had enough of the ignoring and when I throw shade via snapchat he replied that he needed space and felt like I was forcing this relationship on him. At that point I just said okay and let him leave. A few days latter came the accident and it just seemed like my life was really in the shit hole now.  He texted to make sure was alright, and then again, a few days later asking if I still loved him. I said that if he had to ask then I guess I was shoeing you just how much I loved you or that you just didn’t care or want to see. I also asked if he wanted to be with me and he flat out said no. So, I took that no and just came moving with my life. That was Feb 2018, we didn’t talk for the rest of the month or any of march or the beginning of April. At one point, I got a notification that he was trying to message me on snapchat back in march, when I got off work, but he didn’t send anything. I remember saying I am so done with that loser. April was a weird month because he started messaging me again, but I would ignore them, then eventually I would reply no picture just a simple hello, then I send one picture and the flood gates swing wide open. He starts messaging me about work and other like stuff and then he mentions about an army ball and just idle chit chat. Then one night he tells me that he misses me. I tell him that he is okay, and then we fight and it ends with him asking me to marry him. I say yes because…. tbh I don’t know why I said yes, maybe because I loved him, maybe because of the fear of dying alone, maybe because I wanted what everyone else had, I don’t know. And from April 2018 to Aug 2018, then were going fine, we talk almost every day, usually it was just a good morning beautiful message but I just remembered to bite my tongue and be a good fiancé. Eventually came his birthday, I wanted to send him a long heart felt message, but I kept it short and sweet. Then for my birthday I get a message from him that just says happy birthday. I cried. Here I was on my 24th birthday cry over a man who has put me through so much hell. So, I just ignore, I tell my self at least he sent something. I got another message from him a week later. It was a picture of him with the caption baby with heart eye emojis. I ignored it because I didn’t want to be left on read for a whole week. When I finally replied he left me on read. So, I messaged him if we were good. His reply, “Yes? I guess? I should mention that someone from the past has come back and things are going well for us… I wanted to smash my phone into a million pieces. I reply so there is no place for me then. And tbh I wanted to say way worse. I honestly don’t know what kept me from not finding out the girl and sending her all our messages. He then replies that.” There is always room for you, things just happen, I’m sorry” My heart was done, I was done, I had no words left. So, I wrote a quick message about being tired of constantly giving into him and him not understand that when you love someone you don’t hurt them and that I was never talking to him ever again. I also screen shot all out conversations about him always saying he loves me and how he was the one that asked me to marry him after I clearly said we need time apart. Then once he says the message I deleted me snapchat, unfriend him on Facebook and deleted my twitter (twitter is were I would also see his profile and back in august, one of his “friends” complain about her job and goes, Its life babe)

 So here I am two weeks post 2 year break up, no more him for good this time. I just miss being someone’s significant other. I miss being in love. I miss him. Well this kind of helped I started this at 10:20pm and it is now 12:11am. Times flies okay until next time peace and love

[ayy-to-zee]

Touch

masterlist //rules// request

Pairing: Haechan/ Lee Dong Hyuck X Reader

Genre: Fluff, super tiny bit of angst

Word Count: 1.9K +

Summary: 『 Touch seems to be just as essential as sunlight. 』- Diane Ackerman

『 I can’t even remember days without you or times I felt more comfortable alone... 』- NCT 127; TOUCH

☀️⭐✨☀️⭐✨☀️ ⭐✨☀️⭐✨☀️⭐

Lee Dong Hyuck certainly lived up to the name “Haechan.” It was a rather cute nickname that his CEO gave him the day he debuted as a part of NCT. Maybe it was part of because of his job as an idol, but to you, he “shone brightly” wherever he went.

That was what you’ve noted, seeing your boyfriend dance in his group’s Japanese debut music video. He definitely stood out to you more in this comeback, seeing him perform with such charisma and confidence. It disappointed you slightly that he didn’t have much of actual lines and mostly back-up vocals. You loved hearing his singing voice; it reminded you of the times he’d sing to himself when he busy cooking or traipsing around the grocery store aisles, looking around for condiments he thought you’d need for your rather bare pantry.

But, oh well, as long as Haechan is happy with his work and is giving his all in Japan at it, you’re happy, too.

You sighed, opening up your Messages app and tapping the first contact you’ve recently messaged:

📱📱[May 22, 2018, 23:45 PM]📱📱

You sent: heeellooooo my bootiful boyfriend ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

hyuckiepoo sent: aaaaaaaand the bootiful boyfriend arrives~

hyuckiepoo sent: and jfc

hyuckiepoo sent: yuta’s taught you to use the kaomoji app, huh? that’s so old-school

You sent: I know but they looked cute! So why not?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hyuckiepoo sent: since you’re up at this time and texting me, you probably just watched the new jap mv even tho it was released 2 weeks ago. you didn’t mention it last time bc you didn’t watch it, right?

You sent: (´⊙ω⊙`)！

hyuckiepoo sent: you’re just that predictable, boo

You sent: (ง •̀_•́)ง Fight me if you dare, poo-

hyuckiepoo sent: calm thyself, boo. I get it, work was probably being an ass to you during that time, right? 乁( ◔ ౪◔)ㄏ

You sent: Now, you’re using it? (o`Ao)?

hyuckiepoo sent: It’s cute when I use it (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

You sent: Whatever you makes you sleep at night, hyuckie (∗´꒳`)

hyuckiepoo sent: Well? How was it? Did I charm you all over again? (๑‾̀◡‾́)

You sent: (u v u)

You sent: You looked real cute.

You sent: Like I wanted to pat your head during your center time.

hyuckiepoo sent: YAH. 

hyuckiepoo sent: YOU STILL STUCK IN TOUCH?

hyuckiepoo sent: THIS IS A SEXIER CONCEPT. EMPHASIS ON THE S E X Y.

hyuckiepoo sent: I DID NOT PRACTICE LOOKING AT THE CAMERA FOR A MONTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS CUTE BY MY OWN GIRLFRIEND

☀️⭐✨☀️⭐✨☀️ ⭐✨☀️⭐✨

You laughed aloud in your bedroom, surprised at his quick response to your comment and the sudden lack of kaomojis. You started rolling over on your bed at the thought of him just practicing what his face must have looked like. He probably got advice from either Taeyong or Yuta.

Okay, you admitted, the first half of the time that he appeared, he looked really... really cool, but—

☀️⭐✨☀️⭐✨☀️ ⭐✨☀️⭐✨

You sent: BUT YOU LOOKED TINY WITH THAT BEAN POLE DANCING BEHIND YOU

You sent: DON’T PROVE ME OTHERWISE

hyuckiepoo sent: I CAN’T HELP THAT JOHNNY WAS PLACED BEHIND ME

hyuckiepoo sent: YOU-

hyuckiepoo sent: U W U

hyuckiepoo sent: Because I am a kind af boyfriend and am just that nice, I will not fly all the way back to Seoul to hit you

You sent: Yes, hyuckie poo, you are the best bf ever u v u

hyuckiepoo sent: But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, boo

You sent: O v O !!

hyuckiepoo sent: Love me tons when I come back, k? We’ll see if I forgive you then. I want 10x the cuddles.

You sent: Yes, yes, the love of my life, I will spoil you rotten ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅

hyuckiepoo sent:  y o u b e t t e r (๑◕ㅂ▰)～♥

📱📱[-END CONVO-]📱📱

You smiled at the thought, him being back home. Your playful bickering together, your late night movie dates, your trips to the arcades and amusement parks, your day-long cuddling sessions, you waking up next to him the morning after a sleepover—

You stared at his contact photo in your messages before you looked to your other SNS accounts for pictures of him doing well in Japan. You chuckled bitterly as you scrolled down each feed. He really was a “full sun,” indeed, you thought, dropping your phone weakly onto the bed with a fan camera focused on him playing on the screen. 

Even though you sounded so close to each other, he felt so... unreachable.

Even though you two called yourselves a couple, the both of you were just so far apart from each other nowadays.

Yes, you guys were together for three months, but you barely spend any physical time together. Most of your time was spent online. Those dates where you actually got to be together you had happened only once in every blue moon just because your schedules just happened to give you both time off.

Even with all that, you had no reason to doubt his love for you even when the distance between you was so wide. You knew the trials that came with dating him. You had no reason to think he was being unloyal to you. He proved his love for you every single day and didn’t make you feel unhappy. 

So why did it still hurt you so much?

You felt the back of your eyes sting. You sniffed your nose and wiped your eyes immediately with your sweater sleeve. Nope. You were not going to cry about this again. Yes, it’s been nearly a month since you last saw each other but you knew what would happen if you agreed to date him. Three months ago, when you returned his confession, you figured this would eventually happen once you date someone so untouchable.

Your mind was brought back down to reality once you heard your ringtone blaring off from your phone. You wiped your eyes once again, picking up your phone and checking who was daring to call at nearly one in the morning.

📞📞“ hyuckiepoo is calling ”📞📞

What a fucking scare, you thought. It’s been quite a while since your last phone call with him. You sniffed again, clearing your sinuses to make sure your voice sounded at least normal enough and tapped the the green icon.

“Hyuck?”

“No, this is your social security service...” you rose a brow at the rather polite tone going off through the phone. “Yah! Of course it’s me, haha! Who else would be calling you?” You giggled at the sound of his voice. It’s been so long since you heard him laugh so heartily like that through the phone.

“Hm... Maybe Jeno? He said he’s going to call to check up on me since my boyfriend isn’t in Seoul to do that, anyway,” you mused, biting your bottom lip in expectation.

You heard him mock a scoff on the other side of the line. “‘Scuse me?!” you lightly snorted at his tone, disbelief laced into his voice. “Are you seriously talking to Jeno of all people behind my back?”

“W-Well...! What’s wrong with Jeno? He’s nice, isn’t he?” you asked, feigning innocence as you scooched over to grab the stuffed toy Dong Hyuck gave you on your first date on your drawer before you let your back rest comfortably on the pillows.

It wasn’t all untrue. Jeno did keep you some company but it was mostly limited to meme-sending and you asking if your boyfriend will ever return, which he is honestly tired of hearing because:

📱📱[May 21, 2018, 20:45 PM]📱📱

jeno my child sent: why don’t you ask him yourself?? you text him all the time smh;;; now lemme sleep early today. being an mc tomo = tons of work

📱📱[-END CONVO-]📱📱

“Boo. News flash, if you don’t remember. He’s called Je-no fun for a reason,” you scoffed at his mockery. “But you could have called me during this week, I wanted to hear your voice even for a little bit...”

“Boy, he’s not that bad. His memes are practically golden, I guess,” you huffed, trying to play it away. You froze for a bit there at his statement, biting your lip nervously. Even if you did, you’d probably be too busy to answer my phone calls, anyway, said the anxiety and insecurity bubbling up in the back of your throat. You had so much excuses to give to make up for the fear of him getting tired of you eating you up during the past month.

“Fossilized gold, probably. I send you the best memes and you know it, boo,” Donghyuck huffed through the phone. “When did that guy ever send you anything that actually made you laugh? That’s right. Never, haha!”

“Sure you do, bub,” you said in rather light agreement as if to tease him just a bit more. You could already hear him tapping his foot in frustration on the bedroom floor of his hotel suite. The thought made you giggle a bit. You could imagine him walking around the entire dorm room just trying to look for reasons why you shouldn’t be talking to Jeno. 

After a few seconds of silence on the other side of the line, you expected him to start to talk about what the members did today, complain about his how tiring his performance was in the showcases they held, maybe ask you how you were doing at work, talk about what he saw in Japan that reminded him of you, or ask if you were sleeping enough at night. 

Instead you were caught off-guard by the next three words his voice emitted: “I miss you...” 

You didn’t know if you held your breath or not but that seriously took your breath away. “Hyuck...” you tried to speak in an attempt to try to play if off like you would usually do but he just interrupted you, beginning to voice himself out.

“Hear me out. It’s been a month by now since we last spent time together. I know I may have said that I’ve been okay in our texts. Well, I technically am but...” he continued, the cheery tone in his voice disappearing. You swore, it sounded like he wanted to cry.

“I couldn’t get my head off the thought of you... I keep trying to focus but I keep thinking back to the days when we would stay in each others arms all day... I want to hold your hand, hug you, kiss you... And when I think about you not being next to me, it hurts a lot...God, it’s cringy, what the hell, but I seriously can’t take it... I know our schedules suck like shit but I really really want to be with you so so bad... I want to see you...” 

All this time about you silently worrying about yourself being a burden and you failed to even see if your boyfriend felt the same. What a great partner you were, you bitterly thought to yourself. You bit your lip as it quivered, finding it hard to breathe as he continued to speak.

“Hey...?” As much as you wanted to quickly respond to him to assure that you were fine and not going to cry, you couldn’t. All this time of feeling so alone without him just pent up within you and finally let loose.

“Me, too, Dong Hyuck...” You  finally replied, your voice trembling with every second. “I miss you so so much...” you hiccuped, wiping your tears away. “It felt so lonely without you... I wanted to fly to you so bad but I didn’t want to get in your way... I didn’t want to feel like I was being a burden to you... I didn’t want you to get tired of me and not love me anymore...”

“Who said I’d stop loving you?”

Your eyes widened, hearing his voice simultaneously from different places, one from your phone and the other as if he was in the ... same room...

You whipped your head to see the very same Lee Dong Hyuck you fell in love with, roller bag handle in one hand, his phone in the other one. You remembered buying him the jacket and shirt he donned for his birthday. He pulled down the hood and pulled his black mask down, his eyes looking at you with such a loving gaze as he flashed you that grin that made you melt a thousand times over. 

“Surprise, I guess?” he said, shrugging his shoulders. A small laugh escaping his lips when he saw that you drop your phone on the bed. 

You immediately jumped off the bed, rushing over to pull him into your arms, feeling his warmth envelope you as he returned the favour with just as much fervor, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

Gods, he couldn’t recall the last time he ever brought you into his arms like this. Did you always feel this soft and warm? He didn’t remember your hair getting longer either. Did you forget to trim your hair? Whatever, he didn’t care anymore.

“I missed you so much, Hyuck...” you murmured, your tears dampening that precious jacket you got him. Dong Hyuck could care less, anyway. You were here. Right beside him. That was all that mattered to him.

“... I missed me, too, haha,” you laughed softly against his chest, lightly hitting his shoulder before he pulled you away from him. “But I missed you more...” he breathes out, his voice shaky and desperate.

“I love you so so much, (Y/N)...” he whined softly, resting his forehead against your own before cupping his hands over your cheeks and leaning over to graciously plant kisses on your forehead, each of your cheeks, your nose, and each area at the side of your lips before pulling away to take a good look at your face, as if implanting the image of you into the very back of his head. Every crease, wrinkle and imperfection you had on you and were insecure about just made you seem so... so... you and Dong Hyuck wouldn’t have you any other way.

Being Haechan, the idol who “shone brightly” beyond your grasp, was definitely a huge part of his life. But you definitely cannot ignore the fact that behind the light shining brightly was the shadow of Lee Dong Hyuck, the witty, mischievous, brusque, yet soft-hearted man who declared he’d love you like there was no tomorrow.

Yes, your relationship was rather complicated and there was no telling if you both would last long. There will definitely come days where you’re forced to do nothing but watch him from afar and bask as he shines on stage like the star he was born to be.

All that mattered to you, though, were moments like these, where his touch was just as important as sunlight.

-END-

☀️⭐✨☀️⭐✨☀️ ⭐✨☀️⭐✨

A/N: Hello! This is my first time to post up or show any of my written works so comments/critiques/feedback of any sort is super helpful! >v<!!

[whydontwejustblog]

unusual asks

@anon that said “1-100,” i’m no chicKEN—

spotify, soundcloud, or pandora? spotify all the way.

is your room messy or clean? messy i like to think it’s neat.

what color are your eyes? a boring dark brown.

do you like your name? why? i hate it. i wish it was esteban julio ricardo montoya dela rosa ramirez.

what is your relationship status? what’s a relaytionsheep?

describe your personality in 3 words or less. boring.

what hair color do you have? still a boring dark brown.

what kind of car do you drive? color? …i’m not old enough to drive, but if i was, you better bet i’d have a rainbow car because #yolo. (lmao stop your influence @heartsavery.)

where do you shop? at the candy store. *instantly thinks of heathers*

how would you describe your style? non-existent.

favorite social media account? if i say tumblr, will it start working for me?

what size bed do you have? a queen-sized one. (no, that wasn’t a pun or anything.)

any siblings? i like to think she doesn’t exist.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? i’ve heard of this place called niue, which apparently has pikachu coins as part of their currency, so sign me up. (japan is also another option, because i love the atmosphere in kyoto. except for that one time i got lost at night near a creepy abandoned church.)

favorite snapchat filter? i don’t use filters much since i don’t take pictures of myself, but i’ll have to say the classic dog filter.

favorite makeup brand(s)? i don’t wear makeup.

how many times a week do you shower? i shower around once or twice a day. weird, i know, but it’s normal around here in a country that’s hot all year round. (except, of course, when there are typhoons, because it’s one extreme or another.)

favorite tv show? danger dings (read: stranger things.) i even have a side blog for it. *cough* @anevenstrangerblog *cough* i know the question only asked for one but can i throw in asoue too? i love both the books and the netflix show. malina’s so pretty i cri. ooh, andi mack is another show that i absolutELY LOVE AND—

shoe size? 6.5 in us women’s.

how tall are you? not tall at all. next question.

sandals or sneakers? sneakers are all i own.

do you go to the gym? no.

describe your dream date. with nikolai lantsov. but since he’s “fictional,” i’ll settle for the person giving me a fortune, then leaving me alone for the rest of my life. (but if the person was finn wolfhard / malina weissman / sadie sink, they can *in mulan’s grandma’s voice* stAy fOrevEr.)

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? about 2500 pesos and 2000 yen.

what color socks are you wearing? they’re pikachu socks.

how many pillows do you sleep with? one or none because quite frankly, i only like hugging pillows. sleeping on them is uncomfortable for me.

do you have a job? what do you do? i don’t have a job, but my class runs a business (with a beneficiary who all the proceeds go to), and i manage its marketing and finance. i also design a couple stuff for my mom’s clinic thing, which i guess is considered a job since i get paid.

how many friends do you have? if you don’t count online friends, zero ahaha.

what’s the worst thing you have ever done? lmao idk, exist?

what’s your favorite candle scent? i dunno. most probably woodsy or floral scents.

3 favorite boy names? names don’t have genders.

3 favorite girl names? names don’t have genders.

favorite actor? noah schnapp, my precious son.

favorite actress? millie bobby brown because why not.

who is your celebrity crush? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

favorite movie? the bee movie ahAHAHAHA the original spongebob movie.

do you read a lot? what’s your favorite book? i read waaay too much, and just like any of my other favorite things, i can’t pick just one favorite book, but i love six of crows by leigh bardugo.

money or brains? can i have both?

do you have a nickname? what is it? i’m called stupid a lot, does that count? ahaha :’) micah’s actually one of my nicknames.

how many times have you been to the hospital? too many times to count.

top 10 favorite songs? i have too many songs i like, so i’ll list some i remember right now (and limit myself to one song per artist.) crazy=genius by p!atd, bellyache by billie eilish, migraine by tøp, c’est la vie by maurice moore, glorious by macklemore, for him by troye sivan, my songs know what you did in the dark by fob, non-stop from the hamilton cast recording, teacher by prettymuch, and we the party by why don’t we.

do you take any medication daily? just vitamins, not medication.

what is your skin type? idk dude.

what is your biggest fear? the unknown.

how many kids do you want? zero.

what’s your go-to hair style? just my hair down since i’m lazy.

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc.) i don’t know how to describe the size of my house lmao.

who is your role model? thomas the tank engine.

what was the last compliment you received? i’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment, but that one anon who asked advice from me said they were awed by my independence so there’s that.

what was the last text you sent? i sent “i’m hungry” to one of my housekeepers.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? he IS real. i don’t know what the quackidy quack you’re talking about.

what is your dream car? lightning mcqueen. ka-chow!

opinion on smoking? i’m asthmatic, so personally, i don’t smoke, and i don’t encourage it either. if you’re talking about cigarettes, it harms the lungs of not only the smoker, but the people around them. it also affects air pollution (its effect is 10 times stronger than those of diesel car exhausts), and i’m very against all types of pollution to the environment. (i’m looking at you, glitter, which, if you didn’t already know, contributes to the pollution of waterways.)

do you go to college? i will in 2 years. (i’ll be a wee child all alone in another country :’( @whydontwejustbesomethingdiffrent i’m dragging you along if it’s the last thing i do.)

what is your dream job? i don’t really know lmao.

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? who doesn’t?

do you have freckles? no.

do you smile for pictures? i don’t like having pictures of me taken, but i occasionally smile awkwardly.

how many pictures do you have on your phone? i recently cleared out my photo library so now i’m left with only 3033 pictures.

have you ever peed in the woods? no.

do you still watch cartoons? duh.

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonald’s? there are no branches of wendy’s where i live so i’ll go with mcdonald’s.

favorite dipping sauce? does gravy count?

what do you wear to bed? pajamas.

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never participated in one aside from the mini ones we used to hold in class before, which i won because the competition wasn’t exactly tough.

what are your hobbies? photography, bullet journaling, brush lettering, eating, reading, scrolling endlessly through my phone, dying, and other fun stuff. coding and robotics are cool too.

can you draw? @thefangirlingmaster i still stand by my opinion that i can’t.

do you play an instrument? the only instrument i can fluently play is the violin, since i was taught how to play it at 6 years old, but i own a guitar and keyboard which i can sorta play.

what was the last concert you saw? a pentatonix one.

tea or coffee? water.

starbucks or dunkin’ donuts? starbucks.

do you want to get married? not really.

what is your crush’s first and last initial? f.w. (hint: it rhymes with pinn rolfhard.)

are you going to change your last name when you get married? i dunno man.

what color looks best on you? still dunno man.

do you miss anyone right now? no.

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed.

do you believe in ghosts? uh…

what is your biggest pet peeve? my neighbors slow walkers

last person you called? my dad.

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies and cream.

regular oreos or golden oreos? i only eat mini-sized regular oreos.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? choCOLATE *insert gif of that one fish from spongebob*

what shirt are you wearing? a panda shirt i got from singapore a couple years ago.

what is your phone background? it’s a zoomed in face of the ice cream octopus from dora. my parents say it’s creepy, but i think it’s calming. (i couldn’t post it on here because tumblr says i reached a limit, but if you wanna see it, tell me to send it to you.)

are you outgoing or shy? depends on the people i’m with.

do you like it when people play with your hair? it tickles.

do you like your neighbors? i’d prefer it if they moved far far away (haha shrek reference) and took their horrible karaoke with them.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i wash my face everytime i shower.

have you ever been high? nope.

have you ever been drunk? nope. (i was gonna come up with some punny joke but i’m too hungry to think right now. which reminds me, i have to go eat something real quick, be right back—)

last thing you ate? oh wow, perfect timing. i just ate mango float.

favorite lyrics right now? it’s from my son troye’s song, suburbia. “swallow nostalgia, chase it with lime. better than dwelling, and chasing time. missing occasions, i can’t rewind. can’t help but feel i’ve lost what’s mine.”

summer or winter? it’s basically summer all year round here so—

day or night? night.

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk chocolate.

favorite month? december.

what is your zodiac sign? sagittarius.

who was the last person you cried in front of? my dad.

[orbemnews]

The man recreating airplane meals to get through lockdown (CNN) — Some of Nik Sennhauser’s earliest memories are of long-haul flights — and of eating on a plane. “The first time I got on a plane I was about five months old,” he says. “I grew up between Austria and Thailand, so I’d be on a plane every two to three months or so. “It was the one place where, as a kid, I would just eat the whole meal without question. “At home, my mom would have to force me to eat stuff, but on a plane I’d just eat whatever I was given. I remember getting on the plane and looking forward to the food.” With family all over the world — his parents in Thailand, his sisters in the United States and Switzerland, and a brother in Spain — flying has always meant “home” to him. And so a Proustian connection was made. The little boy who was “quite obsessed with plane food” and flying grew up into a fully fledged “avgeek,” or aviation fan. A freelance project manager and social media manager until last year, he used his freedom to travel the world, taking flight after flight, and posting videos of his experience on YouTube. “I used to spend all my free time on Google Flights, punching in dates, destinations and budgets; looking at videos of flight reports on YouTube; making my own videos as well — my whole life revolved around flying,” he says. Until the pandemic hit. Nik Sennhauser (left) has been obsessed with airplanes since childhood — seen here at Phuket airport in 1988. SOPLANE Sennhauser — who lives in Glasgow, Scotland, and used to fly every three weeks or so — hasn’t been on a plane since returning from Japan in February 2020. (Sadly it was a night flight, so his last plane meal was a wrap and some breakfast.) And although he’s stopped all his other former hobbies — he finds it too difficult to think of how things were, and of how they are now — he has found a new one. Every weekend, he scrolls through his photos of past flights, picks a meal he enjoyed onboard, and recreates it from scratch. So far, he’s made everything from tamagoyaki (a Japanese omelet) to Austrian spaetzle and Thai curries, recreating dishes from the likes of Lufthansa, Thai Airways, Austrian and ANA. But this isn’t just a question of finding and following a recipe online. Sennhauser also plates the dishes on genuine airline crockery, and presents it as a proper airplane meal. A new lockdown talent It’s a time-consuming project. Sennhauser has never been into cooking, he says — for starters, he wouldn’t have had time before the pandemic. And at the start of lockdown, when people were posting pictures and videos of themselves enjoying fake plane journeys, despite being a prolific poster of life on board, and selfies taken in plane bathrooms, he didn’t take part. But then, he says, on week three of lockdown, “I was really bored and just did it,” making an airline-style meal, and posting a photo. He quickly found a community of people doing the same thing — blogs asking readers to recreate their plane experience, and people posting photos of themselves eating off plastic trays. “I thought, ‘Oh, lots of people are doing it. It’s not exciting anymore’,” he says. So he stopped it. He spent the rest of Scotland’s back-to-back lockdowns ignoring the aviation world. But one day in January 2021, thanks to a combination of “boredom, being stuck at home, and really missing traveling,” he decided to have another go. He already owned a genuine airline trolley, bought on eBay along with airline crockery and cutlery: melamine plates, champagne flutes, retro economy glasses, and china plates and coffee cups from various business classes. Most of it is bought online — there’s a major market for it in Germany, he says — although he admits that, “In turbulence, the odd spoon here and there has slipped off the tray and fallen into my pocket.” So on this cold lockdown day in January, he opened up his trolley and got his plates out. “And I started plating again, just for fun.” He started with a random airline-style breakfast: sausages with scrambled eggs, spinach, plus a pot of ham, cheese and gherkins. Two months on, Sennhauser has a new hobby. He goes through his videos of past flights to look at what he ate onboard, and recreates entire meals from start to finish. He’ll spend the weekend working on Sunday dinner, as well as throwing a breakfast or brunch into the mix on Saturday or Sunday morning. His meals are recreated from scratch, including appetizers and sides. SOPLANE “The amazing thing about it is that I’ve actually become a better cook, because I had to go and research the recipes,” he says, gleefully. “The meals aren’t just for Instagram to look nice; they have to taste good, as well, because they’re actually our Sunday meals, and I have to feed my husband. So it needs to be edible. “So I actually had to go and consult cookbooks and the internet for all these recipes, and I’ve learned to cook all these different things. And I’ve realized I’m quite good at making desserts. I’ve made a bunch of mousses — chocolate mousse, white chocolate mousse, dark chocolate mousse — and they taste much better than what you can get in the shops. So it’s been a bit of a journey for me.” Cooking the meals, he says, “helps me deal with my wanderlust”, and allows him to relive memories of great trips past. His breakfasts and brunches are his own invention — mainly omelets and sausages, as you’d find on a plane. But the dinners are full meals that he’s been served onboard in the past — not just the main course, but also the appetizers, sides and desserts. The schnitzel that made a friendship Although he’s traveled a lot in business class, thanks to a canny use of airline points, Sennhauser isn’t above recreating meals he’s had in economy. One of his favorite recent meals is a recreation of an Austrian Airlines meal — travelers in economy can preorder a tray made by caterers Do&Co, featuring signature dishes including a wiener schnitzel. “Having grown up in Austria, wiener schnitzel is one of my favorite dishes of all time, so I recreated that, along with a potato salad, cucumber salad and chocolate mousse,” he says. When he makes a meal, he plates it on airline-appropriate crockery and posts pictures of the original, plus his recreation, on Instagram. His fellow avgeeks are enthusiastic. “They always say that mine looks better than the real deal,” he says. “But then, you know, I get to spend a whole day cooking this, plating it in my kitchen, whereas on a plane, in the galley, there’s only so much they can do, especially in economy class.” But in the case of the Austrian Airlines schnitzel, Sennhauser realized that one crucial thing was missing: the signature triangular Austrian Airlines plate. He posted his before and after photos explaining that he didn’t have the right plate — and then something wonderful happened. He received a message from another avgeek — David Pauritsch who runs channel Simply Aviation — offering him four of the Austrian plates as a present. It meant that the next time Sennhauser came to make the meal, he could serve it as the real deal. “It shows how social media works,” says Sennhauser, who says that those triangular plates are now his favorite airline crockery. “It brings people who have the same interests together and allows you to do stuff like this, where somebody in Vienna picks up a couple of plates, puts them in a box, sends them off and they arrive in Glasgow, where somebody else can cook and plate food from that flight, and then take a picture and put it up on social media.” It’s this sense of community that he’s been missing during lockdown — and he says that making the meals “gives me a purpose.” “The food has helped me to think about travel and the good times I’ve had without getting upset — there’s a purpose now to go online, watch my old videos and look at the old pictures. And it gives me joy during this time when I can’t travel. It’s helped me deal with it.” Reliving a honeymoon flight Some of the meals have reminded him of major life events. To celebrate five years since their honeymoon, last month Sennhauser recreated a meal from his honeymoon flight to New York. He and husband Graham had flown on SWISS — “in business class because it was our honeymoon” — and were served spaetzle with beef stroganoff and a side salad, plus chocolate mousse with a raspberry coulis. As he does with all his meals, Sennhauser created it all — right down to the spaetzle — from scratch, taking half a day to make it. “It was a nice way to celebrate our honeymoon anniversary,” he says. The magic of airplane food Of course, few people are as fond of plane food as this — in fact, for most travelers, it’s a running joke. But Sennhauser thinks that’s because most of us aren’t giving it a fair go. “I think people who hate it probably have unrealistic expectations,” he says. “You have to take into account that you’re in a metal tube at 40,000 feet being catapulted through the air, and the flight attendant is heating up a meal in an oven — there’s only so much they can do. Also, I think people don’t like to be given just two options. “People compare it to what they can get in a restaurant, but it’s a completely different species, plane food. There’s only so much you can do, and I think people are unrealistic of the circumstances. “I’m not saying it’s better than what you can get on the ground, at all — but if you take into account the amount of work and effort that goes into, it from the person who designs it to the to the team that tests it, the chefs who cook it, the people who package it, wrap it up, put it in the trolley and onto the plane, the flight attendants who then take it out, put it in the oven and serve it with a smile. “It’s a different beast to what you get in a restaurant, and I take that into account. I mean, most of the time it’s not as good as a restaurant, but you’re in a plane! And that’s what makes it magical.” That said, not all his experiences have been good. He picks out an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Chicago in 2012 as a low point — “it was just pasta with beef and tomato sauce that wasn’t very good at all — and all I remember about the rest of the flight is that I was very uncomfortable having eaten that meal” — but adds that “it’s probably not fair on them anymore because the airline was going through a rough time.” And before you think he’s a plane food snob, he also mentions easyJet’s previous catering as one of his favorites. “I really liked a croque monsieur that they had, but then they changed the suppliers, I think. And yeah, it wasn’t good enough. But the original was ridiculous — it was fun to be able to look forward to flying easyJet.” His general plane food tip is to plump for the Asian option, if there is one. “Asian food works really well on a plane because it’s flavorsome by default. One of my favorite meals in economy is Thai Airways, because there’s always a curry. The best meal I had was on Singapore Airlines, and I had Singaporean chicken curry for breakfast. “It came in a giant bowl with rice and sweet bread rolls, and I could not stop eating. I really wished I hadn’t stuffed my face beforehand in the lounge.” And although he says a general rule of thumb is to never pick steak, a signature steak dish on SWISS business class he once had, was “not only one of the best meals I’ve had on a plane, it was probably the best steak I’ve had in my life — tender, juicy and still rare inside, not rubbery and gray as it usually is on a plane.” How to DIY airline meals Sadly, Sennhauser doesn’t see post-pandemic plane food being quite as special. “So much has changed over the past year with food on planes obviously, because of restrictions and precautions. The pre-order meals, which were always great fun to take advantage of, many of them have disappeared because not as many people are traveling and airlines have to cut costs. “Austrian Airlines and Swiss have now cut their economy class meals on shorter flights and often scratch their pre-order meal service. So all the meals that I would always look forward to are actually not available anymore, which is very, very sad, but it’s understandable.” He doesn’t have any flights booked right now, although he’s desperate to visit his parents in Thailand, who he hasn’t seen since 2019. But that trip aside, he says his ideal post-pandemic plane food trip would be to Tokyo on ANA in business class. “I’ve seen pictures of their food in business and first class, and it’s just out of this world — we’ve flown twice with them in economy and the food was amazing.” For now, there’s a whole community online, sharing his love of plane food — he tips Nik Loukas, who’s turned his love of plane food into a business, Inflight Feed, as one to follow. Feeling inspired? Sennhauser suggests starting with economy class meals, and trying a Thai curry. “All you have to do is cook some rice and make a curry with curry paste, coconut milk and some meat. And you need a nice little dish to put it in, and there you go. The only issue is plating — I use a small spoon and do it very carefully, bit by bit. Don’t rush it — think it out beforehand, maybe even draw a little picture of how you want it to look. “It takes me three to four hours making these meals, but with the restrictions there’s nowhere else to go so I might as well spend four hours in the kitchen and put out a banging meal.” Source link Orbem News #Airplane #lockdown #Man #meals #recreating

[sunflowerhanamaru]

Once you wake up, it'll be a new morning (4/7: pictures)

She should have understand, of course, when Chika had squeezed her so hard before boarding the plane to visit her parents. Riko had laughed, had said something like ‘we’re seeing each other in a week, you big baby.’ and Chika had choked off a laugh, had said ‘I can’t wait to go back to you.’ and had boarded the plane.

Riko had been barely out of the airport, walking to her car when her phone had rung with a call from Ruby.

“Riko! Is Chika with you?”

“No.” had said Riko. “She’s on her plane now. Is there a problem?”

“Don't…” Riko had only noticed how distressed Ruby sounded. “Don’t go home. Don’t check the Internet. Come straight to Maru’s and I flat, okay?”

“Okay.” She had said.

She hadn’t listened. She had sat behind the steering wheel and had opened twitter to find hundreds of notifications, all about Chika leaving Aqours. She had started the car, brain blank and had drove straight to her flat, the one Chika and her had spent weeks hunting for, to find an envelope on the table. She had opened it, her head swimming with thoughts.

The message is short, concise. Chika couldn’t keep going like that, she had to quit them. To quit her.

Riko’s phone is ringing urgently on the floor. Riko doesn’t pick it up. She doesn’t think she will ever be able to.

Riko had always loved fall. From an artistic point of view, because fall is the perfect season for vibrant palettes and warm colors, but also for the large sweater season, for the morning’s biting cold. Fall had been pretty in Germany but everything seems prettier in Japan since Riko came back; she’s glad she agreed to a walk in a park with Hanamaru and Ruby to admire it.

After so many anonymous years she isn’t used anymore to being recognised in the street, though, and she soon begs her friends to retreat in a teahouse.

“I don’t know how you manage with all those people watching you.”

Hanamaru shrugs, her hands draped around her mug. “It’s not so bad anymore in Numazu, we can’t really complain.”

“You do though.” Says Ruby, eyes glittering. “Hanamaru complains so much lately, she’s becoming a real old library lady. Sometimes she tells the cats to quiet down at home after a day of work.” She laughs, and Hanamaru rolls her eyes with a smile. “But seriously we’re never bothered by fans anymore.”

“Except the occasional weirdo who thinks he can flirt with Ruby.”

“Or the occasional book nerd who thinks he can flirt with Hanamaru.” Ruby is the one who rolls her eyes this time and Riko can’t help but notice how many of each other’s habits they have adopted. She wonders if Chika and her would be like that too if they never stopped dating. She forces herself not to think about it.

“The Internet is wild though.” Comments Hanamaru. “people are all over the place everytime we post something. Some people truly still don’t get that we’re dating. Like. They think we are… What’s the term again?”

“Maru’s still not good with social medias.” Jokes Ruby, earning an outraged ‘Hey!’ from her girlfriend. “‘best friends goal’ is the term. We live together, we hold hands, there’s literally sneaky pictures of us kissing floating around and some people think we aren’t dating.” She shrugs. “That’s twitter for you.”

Riko is still thinking about their conversation late at night and she stupidly decides to quickly search for her name on twitter.

The first tweet she comes across to is a text post tagged ‘chikariko’ She (stupidly, stupidly) clicks on it and finds a complete thread of pictures. On the first one, sixteen years old Riko is looking at Chika like she hung the stars up the sky. Riko’s heart aches.

Riko relives the four years of their Aqours’ life through pictures, from fansigns to live shows to candids. She sees herself growing up, and Chika growing up as well. The last picture of the thread is from a week ago: someone had saw them in the shop they had met in their day at the shrine. The Chika and Riko from the first picture changed so much, she thinks a little sadly, but the way she looks at Chika didn’t change though. Twenty-six years old Riko looks at Chika the same way she always did and she fears maybe she always will.

Riko clicks on the tweet’s poster username and waits for her account to load. She scrolls through personal discussions and random pics and stops when she reads Chika’s name. ‘Aqours’ Chika and You spotted hanging out.’ reads the tweet. The picture attached is a candid of her friends walking down the streets of Harajuku. Riko notices that You is wearing her new merch t-shirt. She opens the new thread.

‘Omg is that new merch? I need Dia’s shirt!’ Says the first reply.

‘Rings too?’ The second tweet contains zoomed in pictures of Chika and You’s hands.

‘You’s ring has a blue gem but Chika’s is pink??? My chikariko heart’ Riko scrolls back to the pictures and zooms until the gem, undeniably pink, takes almost all the screen. She hits the contact button and find Chika’s number, hopes she hasn’t changed in six years.

“Riko?” The phone didn’t even rang twice, notices Riko.

“Did they asked you to wear that?”

“To wear… Do you mean the ring?”

“Yes, Chika, I mean the ring, obviously.” It’s unfair to be so mad at Chika and Riko knows it but. It feels like Chika is mocking her, mimicking her old lovesick habits to sell some more show’s tickets.

“They didn’t.” Chika sounds rushed, and anxious, and sad maybe. “Riko, I swear they didn’t.”

“Why did you wore it then?” Asks Riko, and she hates how wavering his voice sounds.

“Because I miss you.”

“You said that already.”

“No, Riko. I miss you, you know? I miss you. I’ve been missing you for so long.” Riko closes her eyes. “I want to become friends again.” Chika is breathing a little harder in the phone. “I’m in front of your door. Could you open to me? I want to talk.” Riko looks at the door like she’s afraid it’s going to open spontaneously because Chika is on the other side. She remembers the time management booked nine rooms for nothing, the time where her door always opened for Chika. She shakes her head

“Not tonight. Tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, of course, sorry.” Chika’s laugh sounds self-deprecating and Riko hates it. “I’m gonna sit there for a while thought, if that’s okay.”

“Okay.” Riko stands to go sit against the door too despite herself. “I’ve missed you too.” She says, so quietly she’s not sure Chika heard it.

“We’re going to make it work, right?” Chika lets out a tiny sobs that makes Riko’s heart clench. “We weren’t only girlfriends. We were best friends, too. Tell me we can fix it.”

“We can fix it. I promise.” Says Riko. She wishes she was half as confident as she’s making it seem.

[ohnohetaliasues]

Where the Maple Leafs Are {Ch.3}

(Kat)

We keep going farther and farther down the rabbit hole.

If you guys are reading this, I love you guys a lot. Thank you for sticking with me another year, and as you can see, I've put up the Christmas logo and updated the theme. You guys rock, and I wouldn't do what I do without you guys. 

Let's begin.

(Warning: There are some touchy issues and me getting very angry later, so just a heads up.)

The first meeting

After I eat some scrambled eggs we left to go to the meeting which was only five minutes away.

Two tenses in one sentence.

This is how I found myself in front of the other Countries. I knew what I was going to say and how it would play out because I had written it before we even got here.

Oh right. 

This is her fanfiction.

"Alright let's start with your questions."

"Vhere do you come from?" asked Germany.

"America in a world where you don't exist in real life. You see my world doesn't have personifications of their countries."

"In real rife?" repeated Japan

"You're one of Japan's anime. That's how I know who you are. I'm a big fan!"

"A fan? Ohnononon!"

"Shut it pedobear!"

FRANCE IS NOT A RAPIST OR A PEDO. 

STOP TREATING HIM LIKE ONE.

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO POST THIS SCREENSHOT?

France went to his emo corner.

Come here, bby lemme hug you.

England sniggered and america flat out laughed

"I told you the hero always gets the girl!" said America

I have no idea what he means by that.

"Yuck! That would be like dating my dad! You're my country America! ... Where is my maple tree?"

That is a good point, Author-Chan.

"Maple!" said Canada holding out my Canada

Why did you feel the need to name your tree? It's kind of redundant.

"Yay! Canada took care of my Canada! I named him after you!"

"Wait you know my name?" asked Canada

"Who are you talking to Sam?" asked America at the same time as Canada

Read the manga.

And it will show you that America and Canada know who each other are. They do not do the 'who' thing, which got old very fast anyway.

I asked for a sec with my finger turned to America and stated a little angry

"Your brother Canada, asshole, now I'm half deaf so when people talk over others I can't tell heads or tails of it! so shut up for a sec! " waving my hand at my right ear angrily.

...Huh?

"Yes Canada I remember you! You're my favorite! Take me out on a date? Please!"

"Ummm, maple! ….ok" He said very quietly. I smiled happily watching his face blush bouncing on my heels in happiness

Why does he keep saying maple? 

Also, you just said dating America would be like dating your dad, and Canada's human age is the same as America. 

Also, YOU JUST MET.

"How did you know my name was Sam?" I randomly ask

"It's stitched on your backpack dude I swear that's as far as I looked."

You said earlier that you looked through her stuff.

"Thank you, I guess"…I pull out my laptop and america whistles

"What is this a super computer?"

"Super computer? No that's a laptop they start to come out in 2000's or so. You guys have computers right? Yours are big though right? Like fill up a whole room big?"

Uh. Problem.

There is no internet or cell service in 1941.

You will have no internet.

"That's right." Said England

"Yeah you had a computer during the war, 1943 or something right? It was called… col… something…" I thought aloud trying to remember back to my history class.

"Ve should get back on track." Said Germany

Yes. Thank you, Germany.

But don't say 've' or you sound like Italy.

"Right! I propose that this war ends before it gets any worse. I will be the compromiser and when I say something is fair its fair ok? We need this to stop before it really begins!"

IT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THREE YEARS. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO ACCEPT THE WORD OF SOME GIRL IN A TIME OF GLOBAL CRISIS THAT IS ALREADY KILLING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES YOU DIMWIT.

"How long does this war last?" asked England.

"Exactly 6 years and one day" the room went silent at this. "Do you have any idea how many lives can be lost in 6 years? Any idea at all? 60 million over 2.3% of the world's total population. That's not even including the disease and hunger deaths or all the Jews that died in the concentration camps" at this point I'm standing and leaning my hands on the desk in a very Germany kind of way.

You know why this hasn't been touched in Hetalia? Because it's a touchy subject, and it deals with genocide. DO NOT DO THIS.

I pull out my laptop to see if I had internet. I did! 

As I said before, IT IS 1941. YOU DO NOT HAVE INTERNET.

THE INTERNET AND THE WORLD WIDE WEB DID NOT EXIST YET.

TIM BURNERS-LEE WAS BORN IN 1955.

DO YOUR RESEARCH.

I pulled up pictures from the concentration camps, and shoved the laptop in front of Germany three people down.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT YOU MONSTER.

YOU

CANNOT

STOP

A

WAR

THAT IS

HAPPENING.

His eyes widened staring at the pictures google came up with. His eyes were locked on a group of naked men. Their naked bodies so starved that their manhood's weren't visible.

1. They would be visible. 

2. AND GERMANY KNOWS. HE KNOWS AND IS HORRIFIED, BUT HE CAN DO NOTHING TO STOP IT. IF I WERE GERMANY AND I WAS SHOWN SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SOMETHING I KNEW JOLLY WELL ABOUT AND COULD DO NOTHING ABOUT, I WOULD BREAK DOWN AND CRY. A LOT OF PEOPLE IN GERMANY WERE NOT ANTI-SEMITIC. WHEN THIS NEWS GOT TO THE GERMAN PUBLIC AFTER THE WAR, THEY WERE ASHAMED AND HORRIFIED.

THE HOLOCAUST IS SEEN BY THE GERMAN PUBLIC AS THEIR NATIONAL SHAME. THEY TRY TO DO EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO MAKE UP FOR IT, THOUGH THEY KNOW THE GENOCIDE OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IS INEXCUSABLE. THEY ALLOW REFUGEES TO ENTER THEIR COUNTRY, THEY TRY TO TAKE IN MINORITIES AND BE AS ACCEPTING AS THEY CAN. DO NOT TOUCH A SUBJECT YOU CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. YOU DIMWIT. 

"You have to stop this Germany" I let this sink in for a minute. 

HE CANNOT.

"I know the future! I know what will happen to each and every one of you… if you work towards this goal I will warn you of disasters. Like say, America's 9-11, Japan's power plant. 

Which one? And there is no mention of Chernobyl. 

Also, where is Russia?

England's Princess Kate. 

Um. No. Princess Diana is the one who died.

The Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton, is perfectly safe.

Do your research.

And so on and so forth." I hadn't given real warning so far America, japan and England wouldn't understand. Well maybe England and japan would jump to conclusions but they didn't KNOW.

Why did you put 'know' in capitals? And capitalize *Japan. It's a proper noun.

The three of them looked terrified. 

I think confusion would be their dominant emotion right now.

I turned back to Germany who was scrolling down the page looking at other pictures. I gently closed my laptop.

"Germany can you tell me what your earliest memory is of?"

He blinked at me for several seconds "I remember vaking up alone in a big crater. Prussia found me and helped me get strong. Vhy?"

When... when did that happen?

"So you don't remember how you started out?"

"No Prussia zaid I got too close to a bomb."

"ze awesome Prussia saved his life!"

"Italy, don't you think it weird that one blonde disappears from your life and then another appears later? Same hair style and everything?"

"Ve~ I did a-wonder when I first saw him. Why do you think I stuck so-a close to him in the beginning?"

Oh no.

Don't be Serenia.

Please.

I'm begging you.

"Good! I was hoping you weren't that obvious." 

I think you mean *oblivious.

Germany head was flipping back and forth watching us talk about him. I pulled out my sketchbook flip to a picture of holy roman and Italy painting together.

Italy's eyes widen and tear up.

I literally can't anymore.

From the angle you can't see what they were drawing so I ask

"Germany what was Italy drawing do you remember?"

"A-animal?"

"Poor little Holy Rome I'm sure he's embarrassed, Italy did you know he thought you were a girl back when you both were kids?" I had been watching Germany so I saw him blush lightly

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY?

"Look! His blushing! Lolz"

"Lolz?" asked America

"As people got more technical with phones and computers and everything abbreviations came about to save everyone time lol stands for laughing out loud… Alright let's get back to business. I would like for us to all agree to stop fighting as much as possible. For an extended period of time. There will be punishment if you agree and then backstab me ok? I understand Germany that you can't stop yet and I understand that everyone else can't roll over to Germany but everyone else stop fighting each other."

tHIS IS JUST MAKING ME SAD AND ANGRY ALL AT ONCE.

"The hero agrees!"

"I agree"

"Of course"

"I want everyone to at least explain what happened here to your bosses. Germany?"

"Ja?"

"Don't tell your boss. Is this meeting over?"

"Ja, meetings over" he sighed tiredly

What is HAPPENING.

I AM ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN MY SEAT. 

I walk over to Canada loop my arms around his and cuddle into his arm. Loving his blush I whisper in his ear 

"Let's go to a coffee shop?" and out the door we went.

You are in the middle of a war.

A WAR.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~this is a line break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's redundant, that's what it is.

Tea at a coffee shop

"Why did you get tea at a coffee shop?" Canada said

Because tea is better.

"I've been spoiled with extremely good coffee. My parents have a coffee roasting company, so anything less tastes like crap. And plus I like tea. What about you and your Americano?"

Oh, how lucky.

And if you have so much money, how do you not know history?

"It's a very popular drank in Canada-" I reached over quickly and pulled up his right sleeve then moved over to his left finding both smooth I smiled widely happy that he was ok.

????????????????????

"Did you just do what I think you did?"

"A lot of your fanfiction are about self-harm, matt. I needed to know if we are to get serious"

"Fanfiction? Self-harm?! Maple!"

"Fanfiction basically? Its where the shows fan's write fiction about the show."

"And these people think I would do that?" he whispered so quietly I barely heard him

Yeah, I'm with Canada.

"Well matt you are treated badly.

By who?

 People have self-harmed for less so…until you're ready for me to check the rest of your body can we drop this?"

 his face turned bright red and he imitated a fish.

He imitated a fish?!

WHY?

"I grabbed his polar bear and hugged him to my chest he asked "who?"

"My name is Sam."

"Don't feel bad matt, the fans also think that England has an eating disorder."

No... we do not.

I should know.

I am a fan.

I have never heard that headcanon.

Anyone who thinks that should stop.

"What's your full name?" asked Canada latching on to a different topic

"Samantha MarieHager"

"Samantha… it's pretty"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~this is a line break~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's still redundant.

My date with Canada has ended and I'm being walked home to America's house.

"Will we go on a date again?"

"I would like that" he was smiling

"K. it's your turn to ask me out though."

His smile got smaller and he looked very nervous.

"You don't have to worry about that. I'll say yes."

His smile came back full force. Stopping at the door step, I lean over and steal my first kiss with Canada. 

YOU JUST MET.

He was beet red so I laugh.

What does that even mean?

"Goodbye, Canada." I say closing the door behind me.

"He treated you right, right dude?" I jumped and turned America was to the right of me watching Canada gape at the door through the window.

"Yes, he was very gentlemanly. It was funny to flirt with him and it was nice to make him happy. He's smiled more today than he has in two seasons and a movie all together."

"I can see that. he's smiling now."

"I wonder how long you'll remember him."

"Remember who?"

"I think there's a curse on Canada. Probably something like out of sight out of mind."

"Who's Canada?"

I walk away

"I wonder if England did it by accident… since England can't remember who Canada is either, he wouldn't remember what he did to forget Canada. I can see it now, in his depressed state he just wanted to forget you after you left so he created a curse and shot it at who he thought was you. Since Canada looks so much like you."

"But why doesn't it work on you?" America said looking upset

SHE JUST WALKED AWAY.

"Either because I care about him in a strongly romantic way or because I wasn't here then or because I'm human and not a country."

And if you become a country I will blow up a cruise ship.

I was on my laptop now sitting at the kitchen table writing some more of the story.

There is still no internet, and you are in the middle OF A WAR.

"So what did you think about my speech at the meeting? Have you talked you your boss?"

"It was AWESOME DUDE! You were all like not today suckers! This war's not happening! I have talked to my boss."

NO.

IT'S STILL GOING ON YOU ABSOLUTE DIMWIT.

AMERICA HASN'T ENTERED YET.

BUT IT IS GOING ON IN FULL FORCE IN EUROPE AND ASIA.

WHAT ABOUT THE OCCUPIED COUNTRIES? THE TENSIONS? THE DEAD? ARE YOU JUST DISREGARDING ALL THAT?

IT IS NOT THAT EASY TO STOP A WAR.

DO

YOUR

RESEARCH.

"That would be… "I googled it." Roosevelt. From what I know about him, his for it right?"

Yeah, you got something right. FDR was president from 1933 to 1945. 

"That's right"

"Can we go talk to England?"

"Yeah I guess why do you want to talk to him?"

"You'll find out, let's go. We can go out to eat, his choice ok?"

"His choice! But he'll never choose burgers!"

There are more options on any menu ever than just burgers. 

"Trust me." I said closing my laptop. "I have my reasons for this."

"Fine but only because you're my citizen."

I am so so mad about how much this person acted like WWII wasn't a fixed point in history. It would alter the state of the world if someone just went and stopped it. Oh wait, she didn't, because the war began three years ago, in 1939, and it is 1941. 

I can't.

I cannot even.

I am so mad I could spit.

I'll review more later.

~Kat

[taiwanpuppetryproudthunderbolt]

_

_

interview 24

_

(1983)

Richard Chamberlain: Beyond Romance

For Richard Chamberlain, the last few years have been a time of tremendous personal and professional growth. "A time of questioning old assumptions, of pursuing various courses aimed at an expansion of awareness, of opening up as I’ve come to like myself better," the actors say between takes of "The Thorn Birds" at Burbank Studios in Hollywood. He is in "age" makeup for filming of the final scenes in the nine-hour ABC mini-series based on Colleen McCullough’s best-selling novel, but the gravity lent him by a gray wig and latex wrinkles is belied by his boyish lankiness, clear, animated blue eyes and expressively rangy voice. In fact, it’s hard to believe he’s in his mid-40s.

Playing Father Ralph, the protagonist of "The Thorn Birds," is surely something Chamberlain could not have done comfortably without questioning some old assumptions.

"Father Ralph," he explains, "is a Catholic priest who’s sent from Ireland to Australia as a kind of punishment for having lost his temper and insulted a bishop. In Australia, he serves the owner of a giant sheep ranch, Mary Carson (Barbara Stanwyck). She engineers a situation that forces him to choose between receiving her estate on behalf of the Catholic Church, which would restore him to their good graces, or allowing it to go to the Cleary family, whose daughter, Meggie (Rachel Ward), he has fallen in love with. "Ralph," the actor summarizes, "is, in fact, torn between three incompatible loves. He is very taken by the power and glamour of the Church in Rome. He is deeply in love with Meggie. And he is deeply in love with God -he’s a priest with a genuine vocation."

As a boy growing up in Los Angeles, Chamberlain had gone to Presbyterian Sunday School, but he says, "That really didn’t take, and as an adult, I’ve never felt the urge to become part of an organized religion." As well, he admits to having had "some negative preconceptions about the priesthood and about the Catholic Church as an organizational structure." How, then, could he portray a priest with the kind of commitment and understanding necessary to involve an audience in his plight?

"We’ve been fortunate to have as our technical advisor a Jesuit named Father Sweeney," Chamberlain answers. "Father Sweeney just blew me away. He’s so -well, for real in his love of God and his wanting to open people to God’s love, which is his basic reason for being a priest.

"He set it up for me to spend a couple of days at a Jesuit novitiate in downtown Los Angeles. I got to speak to these young and not-so-young novice priests and watch them work: They pray and study and meditate in the morning and go out to work in the community in the afternoon -at the county jail and some really tough, low-down places. They bring hope to people who are really hopeless and not otherwise cared for in human terms. What the Jesuits were doing -they were the only order I observed -was profoundly spiritual and apparently very effective in the community."

While "The Thorn Birds" project has changed his concept of organized religion, it is not the first movie role to alter his perceptions and tastes. After filming "Shogun" for the hit TV series based on James Clavell’s novel, Chamberlain developed an appreciation for the Japanese lifestyle, and after returning from several months of shooting the epic mini-series in the Orient, he began to find much of Western domestic architecture oppressive. As a result, for more than two years now he has been drastically altering the interior of the ranch-style Beverly Hills bachelor house where he spends most of his time. (He also has an apartment in New York and a vacation hideaway in Hawaii.)

"The previous owners of my house had made various additions to the basic structure that really didn’t make a great deal of sense spatially," says Chamberlain. "However, what began as a minor job of renovation to accommodate the tokonma" -a flower- or scroll-decorated platform- "and a few other pieces I acquired in Japan became something much larger. It was: ‘Well, if I’m going to do this, I might as well do that, too- and that and THAT and THAT, as well.’"

Things eventually became so chaotic that the actor moved to the house next door, which just happened to be for rent, and from there supervised the continuing renovations. "A strange way to live, to put it mildly," he laughs. "But when everything’s finished, which will be soon, I’ll have an open, airy house that’s very much mine -it’s the most personal house I’ve ever lived in.

"I built an area in my office especially for painting," adds Chamberlain, who had studied art at Pomona College before scoring in student theatricals changed his career plans. "The problem has been to set up and take down every time I had the urge to paint, so I figured if I had a place where I could set up and leave stuff, I might get to it more often. Finding the time and the focus is a problem, though, as I’ve learned I can only spread myself so thin."

Actually, Chamberlain’s life has opened out so that it tends to accommodate more and more activities. As busy as ever on stage (last year he was Wild Bill Hickok in a new play called Fathers and Sons) and screen (the thriller Bells will be released soon) as on TV, he has also identified himself with a political issue for the first time.

"I’d never been directly approached about lending myself to anything political, except for one local candidate who I had to turn down because of scheduling conflicts," he says. "And I haven’t had the time to do the kind of research that I feel one should do before getting behind any particular movement or candidate. But then I recently went white-water rafting down the Tuolumne River through Yosemite. It’s a perfectly balanced river at the moment, with a certain amount of dams, a certain amount of water for agriculture and a certain amount of water for rafting or fishing. But now the city of San Francisco wants to put another dam on the river. I told the guys who ran the rafting trip, who are very ecologically minded, that if they wanted a spokesman, I’m willing. The only thing they’ve asked me to do so far is host a pro-Proposition 13 art sale in Los Angeles, which I did."

The conservationist Proposition 13 was defeated in the November 1982 election, despite support from the powerful Los Angeles Times. But Chamberlain is undaunted, offering himself up to "anybody who has a sensible plan for water management in California."

Travel is another means by which Chamberlain is branching out and reaching out. Of course, he has probably travelled in the line of duty as much as any contemporary actor. In addition to the Japanese sojourn for "Shogun," he has gone to Australia to shoot "The Last Wave" (but not "Thorn Birds," which was filmed in Hawaii and Simi Valley, California); to Spain for 2The Three Musketeers" and it’s sequel; to Italy for the TV film "The Count Of Monte Cristo," and to England for numerous film and TV assignments and the 1969 stage production of "Hamlet" that clinched his transformation from pretty boy of the "Dr. Kildare" TV series to serious actor.

But even in his private travels, he has rarely had the opportunity for the anonymous, in-depth study of another culture that he did last year when he went to South America. "A bunch of us -20-odd people, mostly from outside of show business, but all interested in feeling out a place on more than just a tourist level -went for six weeks," he relates. "We sometimes stayed overnight in monasteries, and I was able to enjoy, immediately, the kind of person-to-person contact that takes longer to establish when you’ve got to get past my public ‘identity.’

"By that, I mean both the qualities that people rightly or wrongly project onto me and the feeling on my part that I have to keep pumping energy into upholding some kind of public image or persona. In Lima," he laughs, "a photographer chased me around a hotel lobby trying to take my picture, but that was the only event of that kind in all the time in South America."

Professionally, Chamberlain has expanded his horizons by forming his own production company. The plan is for the company to produce and Chamberlain to act in a number of two-hour television movies for CBS. The first is to be "By Reason Of Insanity," a drama in which he will play a writer who murders his wife while in a state of mental incompetence, then recovers and has to deal with the consequences of his act.

"I wanted take the responsibility, at least in part," he explains, "of providing myself with material I found exciting to act and of having a bit to say about the actual production of it instead of being somewhat at the mercy of another producer. Then, practically speaking, I had the opportunity to do so because "Shogun" put me in a rather nice position. But I can’t point to a particular moment when I had an amazing insight and suddenly went out to be a producer. I rarely have gigantic breakthroughs -a slow, steady growth is more my process."

To a significant degree, Chamberlain attributes his recent growth to the teachings of Dr. William Brugh Joy, a physician turned holistic doctor who teaches at a retreat in Lucerne Valley, California. Chamberlain learned about Joy from a friend and spent two weeks at the retreat to acquaint himself with Joy’s precepts. There he learned of the doctor’s amazing story.

"He’d been a medical doctor with the absolute best training and a stupendous talent for his work," Chamberlain relates. "But all his life, he’d had certain sensitivities to other aspects of existence -spiritual things, things tat are not part of traditional medicine. He began to find he could feel people’s energy with his hands. He himself could transfer energy to people -be a kind of conduit of energy. He could relieve pain, for instance. The use of morphine went way down on his ward -mostly terminal cancer patients."

According to Chamberlain, Dr. Joy was eventually questioned about his unorthodox holistic methods in a staff meeting at the hospital with which he was affiliated. Opting for full disclosure when he could easily have skirted the subject, he received an ultimatum from his chief of staff: "If you wish to continue here, you must practice in the prescribed way." Joy decided to follow his own lights, but Chamberlain says that "he’s primarily a teacher now; he doesn’t do a lot of healing. He’s written a wonderful articulate book called Joy’s Way.

For Chamberlain, subscribing to some of Joy’s precepts does not necessarily preclude consulting practitioners -or even untraditional one, such as acupuncturists. In fact, Chamberlain numbers an acupuncturist among his friends and has even visited one, though he says it’s impossible to tell if the treatment was effective because he was not in excruciating pain, as were friends who have claimed to be helped.

Chamberlain’s eclecticism extends to the areas of diet and exercise. "I do a certain amount of exercise every day," he says, "because I don’t feel good otherwise. Sometimes I run, sometimes I play tennis or ride, sometimes I do callisthenics. I once took dance, so I know a lot of stretching exercises. Because I travel and live in hotels so much, I’ve figured out how to turn my room into a gym -do pull-ups on the door, lift chairs. I eat the usual American balanced diet: quite a lot more meat than most of my friends" -beef stew for lunch on the day of this interview- "plus vegetables, fruit, whole-grain bread and rice. Varied but not strict."

Chamberlain has probably acted in more period pieces than any of his American peers, and he admits that he, personally, has felt the pull of the more romantic eras of history. "But there’s an element of escapism in intense romanticism," he says. "I’m now more and more interested in the life around me. One reason I was attracted to "By Reason Of Insanity" is that it’s a contemporary story with a hero who’s not romantic in any way."

After "By Reason Of Insanity," Chamberlain hopes to produce and act in a TV movie with a contemporary setting but a hero that could be said to be romantic in his way -William Brugh Joy. "Because Brugh’s story is really an inner journey," he says, "dramatizing it has been rather difficult. But after several years’ struggle, we’re finally coming up with a wonderful script."

Is there not a sense of things coming full circle in Chamberlain playing the maverick Joy when his first fame as an actor came from his portrayal of the very conventional Dr. Kildare?

Chamberlain doesn’t think so. "The fact that they’re involved in the same profession doesn’t have a great deal of meaning for me," he says. A point well taken, for surely each is unique in his own way, and just as surely Richard Chamberlain is the man to appreciate that uniqueness and portray it.

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http://www.richard-chamberlain.co.uk/online.htm

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