#I’ve been regretting leaving him even though I SHOULDNT AT ALL cause he was an ass

[devildomditzy]

Dog I wish I could stop having dreams about my ex

[hunbomb]

roommate! jaemin

i hope u guys like this one! i do :) 

warning: not proofread LMAO

jaemin: a huge flirt

like we been knew sis okay bUt its not like it defines him ya kno??? like yes he is a flirt but its not like he does it purposely

however that doesn’t stop every single girl from liking him

except for u cause you’re ~not like other girls~

jk you are 

cause who wouldn’t find na jaemin attractive?? tf???

okay but like the dealio between you and jaemin is that you are best friends 

and you have a fat crush on him (u have since the beginning of highschool LOL)

luckily for you, although jaemin is a flirt, he isnt interested in any girls so he doesnt bring any to your dorm

and even if he did, he would tell u because it would be shitty not to 

anyway

so u met in grade nine and yalls friendship popped TF off right away like you joined nomins duo and made it a trio in the span of 4 months and everyone was like???? this mf got that close to them that fast???? mastery

jeno was like ur brother from another mother fr

you and him told eachother everything and sometimes he would tell you things he wouldnt even tell jaemin. like everyone has those people that although theyre close w, there are some things you’d never tell and that goes for jeno and jaemin

jaemin never told jeno he listens to taylor swift

and jeno never told jaemin that he watched all of my little pony friendship is magic on netflix

but since you and jeno shared some personal things w eachother, you obviously told him about your crush on jaemin

and since you had a crush on jaemin, you never got like super super close with him just cause ur feels got in the way 

mainly just you never got as close to jaemin as you did jeno

sure you were bffs, but it wasn’t on such an intimate level

cause everytime jaemin would look your way you’d be gasping for air

so timeskip to senior year

everything is great

your friendship is still strong af and you guys are all planning for post secondary

jaemin and you get into the same uni right.... and jeno gets into the one the town over so your friendship wont take that much damage

but!!! jaemin wants to room with you!!! and ur like!! fucufejdsk!!!

cause like ofc you want to who wouldnt????? but you have such a massisve crush on him you dont want it to get in the way of not only yours but also jaemins university experience

you say yes tho and next thing you know youre unpacking all your stuff

the dorm is kind of small like there isnt a lot of space,,,,, theres two bedrooms but the beds literally take out the whole room HAHHAHA and then there is a chill space with the kitchen connected and u and jaemin have to share a washroom LOL

“jaemin what the FUCK did you eat??? beans??? i bet it was beans this shit smells so bad i-”

“it really do be ya own friends sometimes” -jaemin 2020 :((((((

anyway so like university life is good you and jaemin invite jeno over every weekend for a sleepover and vice versa its so cute GAH

but like,,,, here’s where the drama comes in

one day you are facetiming jeno and youre telling him about how you really like jaemin and blah blah ya know the usual

and youre not really looking at the screen cause youre doing your homework and focusing on that but jeno sees in the back that jaemin has fully entered the room

and you dont notice cause hes silent and your still talking but jeno is trying to get your attention UDHSJIA

and when he does you see in your part of the screen jaemin just,,,, standing there

cue you ending the call with jeno SO FAST and turning around like oH i thought you had classes right now?

“.... they ended early”

“i see” ://////////

you like get up super fast and just walk around him and go into your roomm shutting the door 

poor jaemin is just like “what”

cause to be honest he never really considered this situation ever happening yah he thought you were prettier than most girls and he liked the way you were able to talk to people so easily but he never would have thought you harboured feelings for him

so he kind of just leaves it be cause he knows that you def dont want to talk about it and is willing to wait for you to be the one who brings it up

so time skip to dinner youre both just eating in silence but you dont like it,,,

“what i said was true” you say and jaemin looks up and he knows where this convo is going but he lets you speak

“i didnt ever plan on telling you because i really like our friendship but i guess i wasn’t careful enough”

your heart is beating hella fast but you try to look unbothered and its going pretty good until jaemin asks you something

“how long have you felt this way?”

OKAY like it shouldnt be a big deal to tell him bc you already exposed yourself but for some reason that question just hit you deep cause you realized that youve liked him for so long and he never felt the same ya know

“i dont know,,, since the start of highschool? when we became friends i always thought you were cute and it just turned into a full blown crush”

jaemin just sort of nods in response “oh okay”

so that night your just laying in your bed full of regrets

you know things are about to be super duper awkward between you and jaemin and you wish it didnt have to be like that

so over the next couple of weeks its more awkward than it has ever been before and the sleepovers with jeno seem so divided 

its either jeno and you or jeno and jaemin its never the three of you anymore :((((((

jaemin isn’t ignoring your feelings though, dont worry! hes just trying to sort his out

because your confession kind of opened his eyes

he doesnt want to force himself to like you but he cant help but admit that when he first heard you talking about your feelings a huge warmth spread through his chest and he may or may not have uncovered some feelings

these feelings were always there but he suppressed in grade nine cause he thought you’d never like him and you just wanted to stay friends

so he pushed them down and never thought about it again

but obviously that didnt happen because now youre on his mind 24/7 and he wishes that he could just talk to you but hes kind of nervous

so after taking advice from jeno he tries to talk to you more, like asking how your day went and starting up conversations

youre  kind of like “what u playing at son” but you leave it cause you know jaemin would never do you dirty like that

it stays this way for a while until one night theres a particularly bad thunderstorm and jaemin is scared of thunder

and so when youre just playing on your phone jaemin opens your door slightly and has this scared look on his face

and you know that jaemin is scared of thunder so you open your arms without any words being shared

a huge boom of thunder makes jaemin squeal and jump into your arms

and he gets comfy under the covers as youre holding him, no words shared between you two

he starts to feel much better and this sense of comfort washes over him like,,, youre his home

and as hes falling asleep he softly mutters

“im sorry it took me so long”

and youre just straight confused like what does that mean is he talking about his feelings or just the fact that yall havent had such an close encounter in a while 

the next morning you wake up and jaemins arms and you guys are facing eachother

and hes already awake so when you oepn your eyes you find him already looking at you

“thank you for last night, youre the best” he whispers and youre like all good fam i understand

but then he leans in closer and is like “i should have told you this so long ago, but i am in love with you”

your eyes widen and youre like wh AT the FUCJ your heart is beating at like 420 bpm and ur shooketh

he just smiles and pulls in you in closer and its just a super soft moment and no words have to be said

that night you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner when jaemin just asks you be his gf

OF COURSE YOU SAY YES! you have been waiting for this moment for god knows how long

jeno is all like damn fina-fucking-ly i’ve been watching this romance play out for like 5 years! 

its super cute

its even better that you guys are roommates because youre already living together so you get to see eachother everyday

jaemins room as become a guest room for sorts as he now shares a bed with you

jenos happy af hes like YESSS I DONT NEED TO SLEEP WITH JAEMIN IN OUR SLEEPOVERS ANYMORE

jaemin: >:(((((( tf is that supposed to mean

you just laugh and youre like im not complaining hahaha and jaemins heart just stutters so bad 

he really does love you and he cant believe it took him so long to accept his feelings

and one night he tells you about how he pushed them down and youre like “exCUSE ME we could have been dating all this time u pussy”

sad jaemin :((((( 

anyway ya its so good its a win-win situation 

you get to room with the love of your life and its just magical there are so many soft moments between you two and just UGH relationship goals

i need me a jaemin

[msragdoll]

Personal stuff (TW death)

So today I went to a get together for my cousin Nick who was killed in May. I say get together because it wasn't really a funeral or service. More of a 'lets gather at Nick's favorite restaurant and be together for his memory."

And, I've got so many emotions about everything. And so I'm just gonna type it all out here and throw it into the wind so I feel heard...

I'm so mad at myself right now. I feel guilty. The last time I talked to my cousin was in 2019. I walked into the pawn shop that he (basically) owned and asked for advice on how to track down some things that were stolen from @r-ochoa . He told me he'd keep an eye out at his shop and the other one nearby and told me to check out sites like 'Let Go' but in different zip codes and counties nearby. And that was the last time I saw him.

Previous to that, maybe by a year? I saw him at his rehearsal dinner for his wedding. I hadn't even known it was happening until my mom called me and told me I should come and that an old family friend was there that I hadn't seen since I was 11 was there too. I rushed over, moreso happy to see the old friend. While I spent most of my time talking with that friend Nick made a point to hang out with us and talk too. The whole evening was about him and his soon to be bride but he made a point to join in with our catch up, spend time with my daughter and share in our time.

I didn't go to his wedding the next day...I hadn't gotten an invitation (I found out alot of people didn't, it wasn't that formal) and I'm so mad that I didn't ask him that night if I could come...

I'm mad that I never took a moment to tell him that he was the one out of two cousins I had that didn't treat me like garbage. The second cousin got frustated alot with me as a kid though, where Nick was always patient. Growing up I had 5 cousins. 4 boys; the only girl being the oldest so we never really hung out unless she was babysitting, but that rarely happened. I was the youngest. One of the boys (that 2nd cousin) was from a different part of the family so hanging out with him was usually just the two of us.

That left Nick and the two other cousins and those 3 plus me often hung out together. The other 2 cousins teamed up alot and would pick on me. They'd take my favorite stuffed animal that I insisted on treating gently and kindly and throw him up and down the stairs and push me away when Id try to get him back. Or they'd play hide and seek and ditch me. Sometimes they'd put me in dangerous situations that as a 7 year old I didn't realize how dangerous they were. They'd even steal things from me or break my things. And I wanna say I have no hatred towards my cousins for these things, as an adult I understand that kids do fucked up things, especially when they don't know how to process what theyre feeling.

But Nick. Nick never did any of those things. In fact if he was there, he'd intervene. He got my stuffed animal back for me. He'd come find me if he realized I had been ditched or put somewhere dangerous. He never took things from me, and would actually give me random things he thought I'd like from his own stuff.

Maybe it was because both of us had influences in our lives that encouraged kindness, where as the other 2 cousins didn't. Whatever it was, Nick was always there. I remember going to his grandma's house, with his sister (his sister had a different dad so I didn't see her as often as I saw Nick) and the three of us would always have a blast.

In fact, it was Nick who helped me get over my fear of motorcycles. Nick's dad, my uncle, had taken us out on bikes and I was on the back of my uncle's ATV. My leg kept getting sucked into the wheel and it hurt so bad. I kept crying and asking my uncle if we could go home, that I was hurt. But we didn't go home until later. I don't know if Nick had seen what was happening. Later on, at Nick's grandma's house (she had a HUGE property that had a track on the grounds) he asked if his sister and I would like to ride on the back of his quad and take a few laps and jumps. His sister was all for it but I was so scared. I didn't want my leg to get hurt again. I didn't want to fall off the back going off jumps either.

But he told me not to worry, he would take it slow and only go as fast as I told him. So I got on. When we got to the first jump on his track he stopped and asked if I wanted to stay on the ground, go in the air or go really high. I told him just to start out on the ground...and he listened when I asked him to take it slow. Not to go too high in the air. And by the end of it all he had built up so much confidence in me thay I had asked him to take those jumps higher and higher. I wasn't afraid anymore because he didn't throw me into a situation I had no control over....in fact... thinking about it... I think this was the first time in my life where I was allowed control over a situation....that I wasn't just plopped into something because the grown ups wanted to do it and I had to just accept it and deal with no say.

(TW: Menstruation) Nick was also there when I got my first period. He was probably a teenager by then but he didn't get weirded or grossed out. We were all having a campout sleepover at his grandma's house before his sister was moving away and I can remember the girls she had invited being kind of weirded out and me trying to hide it. I remember just kind of sitting away from them feeling gross and Nick being like "yeah, my mom told me what's going on. Mind if I sit with you and just hang out?" And so we did.

There's so many other memories I have him him, all of them good. I can't remember a single time where he was mean to me or frustrated with me. He never told me to leave him alone or to go away. If I was afraid or worried about something he never made fun of me or brushed it off. He took the time to show me how it'd be okay. I remember my mom freaking out that I was going to have this specific teacher she had growing up who was a total hard ass and Nick reassuring me that Mr. Roach was one of the kindest, coolest teachers at our school and was not the same man he was however many years ago. And Nick was right, Mr. Roach was the best teacher I ever had.

And I never told him how much it all meant to me. How his kindness always shown so bright to me, especially after losing my dad. I feel like all the fucked up cousin shit happened as soon as my dad died, especially cause he wasn't there to intervene anymore. (My dad didn't really like that side of the family so when they were around he was pretty vigilant about how they behaved) but Nick was always kind and friendly. I never felt like a burden, or 'just a girl' or annoying or all that general 'youngest one nobody likes' vibes.

And I never told him that it meant so much to me. And now I can't. And I hurt because I can't tell him and I also hurt because I feel like I shouldnt feel as sad as I do because as we grew up and my mom married and moved us away and we grew apart. I saw him less and less. The tight bond we had growing up faded as we aged and wasn't maintained. Sure everytime we saw each other we always fell back into that bond, but those times became so few and far between...and...how can I be so sad when I hadn't seen him for over 2 years? I didn't even know his wife outside of her name.

And I know that feeling that 'undeserving of feeling sad' is super irrational. But I just...I can't seem to turn it off. And it couples with the guilt and anger of never telling him how he was such a beacon of kindness growing up and how as an adult I realize how important that was for me as a child to have.

I have so many emotions about him dying right now and I've kept it all mostly to myself. But it's mostly regret and frustration at myself...I'm hurting for sure right now...

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

MHA Song Analysis - “Holy” by PVRIS

so i was listening to this song and it gave me massive todoroki family vibes lmao

anyway!! i got encouragement from fran (thank u fran) so its time to go off

i will leave a read more for those of u who dont wanna see me yell tho uwu

this is the song: https://youtu.be/rfrFT_3GP4A

SO i will be using genius lyrics as a ref for the lyrics so if u would like to double-check me on anything, u can do so using the same source

also for this analysis, we are going with the theory that dabi is todoroki touya just for simplicity’s sake

ALSO there are some manga spoilers in here so be careful!! it’s nothing too major or anything but there are instances discussed here that have not yet happened in the anime, so just a warning

w that let’s begin hoho

“youve got it all” “you” in this context is endeavor (who will be referred to as “enji” for the rest of this) and the rest of the line is obvious then; he’s got it all in the sense that he’s a successful, rich pro hero; he has a wife and kids and his own agency; when/if he retires, he could do so comfortably; he has a world-renowned, powerful quirk; he’s got looks and fans and everything

“but youve got it all wrong” despite everything enji has, he doesn’t treat it right at all. obviously he’s abusive as fuck towards his family, and negligent to natsuo and fuyumi once shouto comes along. he’s not satisfied with his place because he doesn’t get to have the number one next to his name. nothing is enough for him; his fatal flaw is envy, and it consumes him to an absolutely absurd degree

“now you dont know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” as previously mentioned, enji’s fatal flaw is envy. it fucks with him so severely that he can’t be happy with what he has, and instead stews in hate towards all might and the bitterness of “what-ifs”. thus, he’s a “poor unfortunate soul”

“oh i know/you make it seem that you feel whole/so they don’t know you’re a poor unfortunate soul” so even though enji is clearly a bit unstable and will never be satisfied or happy with what he has, he has to hide that fact; we see this particularly with his interactions with all might. he is venomous towards him, yes, but he will never let all might know that he’s jealous of him. we see this pattern of behavior echoed in shouto in the sports festival and dabi

“you put on a faith facade/think you’re holy when you’re not” the “faith facade” is enji pretending to feel accomplished with what he’s done, when he clearly isn’t. the “think youre holy when you’re not” refers to enji’s tendency to not see or not admit when he’s wrong. at least until his fight with the nomu leading to introspection, enji did not see any error in his ways. he was fine with using a woman solely for the children she could potentially bear, he was fine with neglecting the children that weren’t “good enough” in his eyes (natsuo and fuyumi), and he was perfectly fine with overworking the children that did meet his standards (shouto and dabi), which supposedly led to one’s death (touya/dabi)

“i hate to break it to you, baby/but you’re simply lost” could be seen as words dabi is telling enji during the nomu fight. shouto, fuyumi, and natsuo have no doubt thought this as well, though, and shouto and natsuo have said things that are equivalent to this (shouto when he told enji he would use him as a stepping stone to be a good hero and natsuo’s recent blowing up about touya’s “death” and enji’s parenting)

“you can right all the wrongs just to feel you belong” these are words natsuo definitely said to enji during their most recent interactions. shouto and dabi echo this sentiment, though, with how they interact with enji. its a very sarcastic and bitter line about not being able to just let what enji has done slip by

“but simply calling out sins don’t bring you closer to god” “calling out sins” is enji’s abuse towards his children and otherwise living through them, particularly shouto, and “bring you closer to god” in this context would mean enji reaching his goals. this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel, but particularly shouto, as enji honed in on him for years and shouto had no way of getting away from him until ua

“youre just a ghost at most/a set of empty bones” i feel as if this is a sentiment all the todorokis feel currently: enji because he’s finally realizing all he’s done wrong and doesn’t quite know how to cope with that; shouto because he’s trying to see himself as anything other than enji’s tool; natsuo because he wants to be more than the abuse enji inflicted on him, but it’s hard bc he can’t let go of touya’s “death”; dabi because he’s completely warped as a person from who he used to be and can’t reach out to his mom or siblings; fuyumi because she most likely has doubts about her feelings/lack of anger towards enji, even though her brothers are all angry with him in some form or fashion; and even rei, because she was changed as a person from enji’s abuse and hurt her own child because of it, and she must deal with the guilt of that

“searching for anything and everything to make you feel whole” this is a reference to how the todoroki’s are trying to cope with what is making them feel like a ghost. enji is reaching out to his kids, shouto is connecting with his friends and midoriya, natsuo is honest about his feelings to enji himself, dabi has a new family/group he connects with, fuyumi stands her ground bc her feelings are her own and shouldnt be swayed by what others are thinking, and rei is in a much better headspace now that she’s away from enji

“when it gets cold, oh, oh, oh” “when it gets cold” means when their struggles get particularly hard. examples of this: enji during the nomu fight, shouto during the sports festival, natsuo during the attack in recent manga chapters and the following conversation with enji, when dabi “dies”/runs away, and when rei hurt shouto. i cant think of a specific example for fuyumi right now, but you get the idea

“you dont know/no you dont know/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i feel this line relates solely to enji and halfway with dabi, as shouto, natsuo, fuyumi, and rei all have each other and others that help them with being “unfortunate souls”. enji and dabi, on the other hand, only have themselves -- enji because he’s too prideful and also has no one left in his corner after his years of abuse, and dabi because he hasn’t told the league his past (yet), thus he certainly hasn’t talked about this at all

“you can’t control/where your body lets you go/oh you’re all alone/you poor unfortunate soul” i think this line, in particular, is dabi’s, as depending on which “dabi is touya” theory you’re looking at, he was kidnapped by ujiko to be made into a nomu that kinda failed/kinda succeeded, therefore he literally had no control where his body let him go. however, dabi in general didn’t have much choice, or probably felt he didn’t; he couldn’t stand to be with enji any longer, and it quite literally would have killed him if his scars are anything to go by. so he left, and ended up on the path of villainy. he didn’t choose that necessarily, it was just how the cards were played

“and you say that i’ve got it all wrong” “you” is enji and “i[’ve]” is shouto. this is before and during the sports festival. enji is still at his worst, shouto is trying to spite him/separate himself from him, and enji hates shouto for that, thus, he says shouto has it all wrong to not use his quirk/be obedient

“cause you just know im a poor unfortunate soul” enji knows and is the cause of shouto’s fucked up upbringing, so this line is kind’ve a bitter acknowledgment of that

“but there’s no way that there’s weight in the words that you preach/when you’re claiming your faith and you contradict your speech” shouto’s pov one again; he can’t take enji seriously in addition to not wanting to be like him because of enji’s obvious issues with envy. enji tells him to be proud of his fire, and yet clearly enji isn’t even satisfied with it as he can’t beat all might with flames alone. thus, shouto has resentment towards the irony of this, which this line attests to

“so i sit here and listen to your tongue and cheek/i know that when you sit and pray you’re only praying for keeps” shouto has no choice but to listen to enji’s hypocrisy, at least until the dorm system at ua is put into place the “praying” in this aspect can mean a couple different things; enji’s talks to the public, talks to shouto, or talks to all might. “praying for keeps” in these contexts, then, are: “just want to keep his hero ranking high”, “wants to live through shouto’s success because he’s unhappy with his own life”, and “wants to one-up all might in anything possible, from demeanor to supposed satisfaction to pride to legacy, etc”

chorus (“cause you’re a ghost...[...]unfortunate soul” bit) once more

“you’re shallow and empty and filled with regret” arguably all the todorokis feel this way. they all have things they regret at this point and all feel the emptiness that comes when there is a void in what is supposed to be a family. enji in particular has been shallow for a long time and still has issues with that.

“i think that chest must be heavy from that cross on your neck” the “cross” in this context is the weight that the todorokis each feel about what expectations they think they have to live up to/what worries them. obviously all the todoroki kids had/have the pressure to live up to enji’s expectations, but to get more precise: shouto and natsuo have the need to be more than “endeavor’s kids” on their chests, and shouto additionally has the pressures that come with being a hero course student; fuyumi has the dilemma of if she’s being too forgiving or not (and how that affects her loved ones) on her chest; dabi has the knowledge that he left behind his siblings and mother on his chest; enji has regret and dissatisfaction with his whole life on his chest; rei has the regret of what she did to her kids and the horrors of living with enji on her chest.

“you only wear cause you’re wary of what comes next after your death” why the todorokis hold on to their aforementioned “crosses”? they hold on bc its important to them that they carry reminders of who/what they want to be, or because they regret or are unsure of certain decisions, or because of nostalgia and a desire that things were different

“dont think i didn’t notice” this can be an outside perspective, but particularly im thinking midoriya because he’s met almost all of the todorokis now and has seen them at lows. very low lows in fact. thus,,,it can’t escape notice however it can also be the todorokis acknowledge the trauma and guilt that each other has; “takes one to know one” sort of thing

“dont think i didn’t notice/dont think i didn’t know/you’re just a po-o-o-or, poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate/oh, oh, oh, oh poor unfortunate/so-o-o-oul, poor unfortunate” this line is kind’ve incoherent which is why i think it fits all of the todoroki’s thoughts; this is all of them thinking over each other about themselves and about the rest of their family

“and you’ve got it all/you’ve got it all wrong/no you’ve never known, known, known, known/you’re a poor unfortunate soul” once again, this is the todoroki’s thoughts overlapping each other, except these thoughts are exclusively about each other and not themselves

“dont think i didnt notice” definitely this is where the outside party comes in, at least for everyone but enji and dabi, as they have others that are there for them and they can talk to. as for enji and dabi, this line is still them thinking about the others

[foodhx]

I havent written in a very long time. Im grateful i wrote previously and have something to look back on. So much has changed. S and i broke up. Its been more than a year, depending on how you count it, maybe 1.5 yrs.

Im not sure where im going with this, or in life. There were things i believed in before, had hope and ideals. I havent any hope now, i dont know what to hope in (apart from God). Its been like this for a while. What does it look like to hope in God now?

Ive ended up in a specialty i didnt plan on going into. What’s done is done. But the learning point is, it would have been better to take more time to rotate around before deciding, because it was an emotional, impulsive decision (felt way too rushed, i knew this even at the time of applying). It wasnt a peaceful decision, the way such “life-defining” decisions should be made. It was an emotional time - literally six days after S sent that message to break up with me, my boss texted to ask if i was still interested in applying. Im deeply grateful for the opportunity he gave me which i didn’t and don’t deserve. I should have a word with him at some point. On a side note, im deeply grateful that this dept and the people i work with now are mostly of incredible Godly character, a very unique and irreplaceable quality in a workplace.

So much has fallen apart. My career, and the relationship with the person who became my best friend over the course of 7-9 years. It felt unreal, standing there watching everything explode. I couldnt believe what was happening. I never expected things to explode this way. I never expected myself to leave, and i never expected him to leave. He didn’t mean to be cruel, but i experienced it as such, through the whole months of me begging. Especially at the point where he physically walked out on me and closed the door when i was crying hysterically - not to be overdramatic, but it felt like pure coldness to do that to my uncontrollably hemorrhaging heart (like watching that aorta spurting on cardiothoracics). He still thinks choosing not to carry on is right and directed by God, which i doubt. He declined reconciliation despite months of my sincere apologies, pleading with him and my attempts to remediate where i screwed up (he hasn’t made an effort to reconcile with me in 1.5 yrs, cos he’s lost faith in our relationship and, it seems, me, entirely. Unfair as it might feel, that’s the way he feels). All in all, the break up was devastating. I’m still disoriented and trying to find my feet.

Ive significantly lost respect for him, because of his choice not to carry on and to, well, give up on us. I feel that this was more an emotional decision than a decision based on a true seeking of God, true dying to self and true obedience, especially to certain biblical instructions (love your neighbour as yourself, in humility value others above yourself, the relationship as an expression of love for Christ “what you did to the least of these you did to me” rather than a competition for love for Him, 1cor13).

I feel his decision to give up, abandon and betray is not biblically based, even if it can be justifiable by a twist of verses (he justifies not carrying on as him “putting God first”). I feel his decision was driven more by his hurt that i broke up with him, over text, last feb, and my cheating on him in july, than a real, honest, self-challenging attempt to “put God first”. I feel the decision not to carry on came more from his hurt over what i did to him than a true excavation of what it means to obey God and seek Him first. Its not necessary to leave someone whom youve built up a relationship with in order to put God first. Its arguable that being there for one’s friends IS putting God first, rather than leaving them because you can’t deal with it emotionally (greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends).

E says that its never so simple as “i heard it from God”, its all a mix of (sometimes sinful) human emotions as well as right-minded intention to follow God. How much of this move is driven by God vs his own human uncontrollable emotions? I doubt he’s admitted the whole truth to himself or me.

But i think his hurt is valid. It definitely is. He says he still doesnt feel whole coming out of 2019 and how i broke things off with him over text in feb and how i cheated in july. I’m not sure what he feels because i cant identify, but he says he doesnt want to deal with the pain with me because it was caused by me, and he’s not ready to talk to me (“can’t deal with it”). He tried to forgive me at the time, attending counselling with me, but gave up after 2 sessions. So i guess i can believe there may be a part of him that could want to work towards a friendship at some point (tho this is thrown into doubt at times, because of our apparent fundamental and irreconciliable differences). On my end, I feel that ive given him the benefit of the doubt many times, and hes always disappointed me in this process, since the break up. He’s never showed up or been the bigger person.

I could give him time, or i could end things. I could give him time to process what he needs to, and give him the chance to potentially engage with me the right way at some time in the future.

Should i, though?

Well, yes and no. Part of me knows he will only ever disappoint me cos thats all hes ever done consistently. The other part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and just let him process things in his own time because its destructive to operate with such cynicism. One is overly cynical, the other is overly hopeful, and both responses arent centred.

Overall i just dont want to think about this anymore. I just want this whole thing out of my mind.

But is that enough for me to cut him out completely and forever? When i ask him, he replies that he wants to be friends but doesn’t know how or when that could happen. He isn’t at all invested in this “friendship”, even if he says its what he wants. He thinks God needs to encourage it or something before he will put in the effort... its all so screwed up cos of his ridiculous view or way of hearing from God that’s so mystical and non-bible based. I honestly feel really disgusted by him. He has been asking me not to contact him for a long time, more than a year. I’ve agreed to honour that. Mainly out of an understanding that he’ll never change, and ive outgrown him and his cuckoo ideas about how to hear from God. I know even if we become friends in the future, he’s gonna be the exact same dud - and why would i want to go back to that? Even as a friend. My basic requirements for friendship are that i respect the person and they respect me back. He absolutely does not respect me, and i absolutely dont respect him. Even tho we pay lip service to each other in emails for the sake of appearing holy and peace loving, we each are 100% convinced we know better. I don’t see a friendship here. I see disgust. I see contempt. Its beyond repair. And theres no instruction from God to repair it. So it will lie unrepaired for life.

Thinking about him makes me get into unpleasant thoughts and feelings. I dont have the exact words to describe how i feel. Not quite just anger (im over the peak of that), not really sadness (i do feel its sad that i still care about him and think about him so much when he wants nothing to do with me and wants me to not contact him - i mean, i dont have a practice of asking people not to contact me indefinitely, i think its rude, unfair and cruel), not just superiority cos i do admit i dont know everything and God works in mysterious ways and He still establishes a relationship with S even tho there is likely disobedience and misguidedness in S that he may never ever come to realize in this life). Its not purely a sense of betrayal as i walked out first - i knew he wasnt what i wanted, cos he wasnt loving me, or kind, or Christlike in his countenance towards not just me but everyone around us. I shouldnt just have walked out i should have pointed us to God, but there you have it. I dont regret ending things cos i know if i had continued we would be in a worse place than we are in now, where im stuck in an unhappy relationship out of obligation and fear of being alone. Its better to not be in a relationship than to be in one where you arent respected or loved.

I would say this whole event has had an impact on my relationship with... effort and commitment? Knowing you can try your best and have everything still fail. I used to believe in the “power of my dreams”. That i could get anything i wanted if i wanted it enough. But ive learnt that where the outcome is dependent on things outside my control (eg other people, genetics, politics), just trying my best and bringing my best intentions isnt enough. Its something but it doesnt guarantee an outcome - nothing can. You can say God can guarantee an outcome, but i would be cautious to believe only what He’s given in the bible and some revelations that are consistent with that and have been confirmed by wiser believers than myself, and those who know me well.

I have to hope again. And i have to stop wallowing and being selfpitiful. No. I have to hold myself to a higher standard.

The between places.

To focus on the next right thing - passing anatomy and being punctual. Seeking God, esp in my work...

[rowz]

Partners in Crime Preview

There are currently 10 chapters up if you would like to read more the link will be at the bottom of the post <3

Chapter 0

"How many are in the room" Katsuki mutters in Izuku's ear when they we just in earshot of one another mouth barely moving as he looking between Izuku and a man in the corner of the room gun trained on them, "only this guy, what about outside?" Izuku mutters back holding Katsuki's hand in a tight grip as Katsuki moved closer, this was supposed to be their final kiss before either of the two took a bullet to the chest, it was up to who ever grabbed the gun to their rights first,but that wasn't going to happen today. "Four two guarding the door one guarding the entrance to this place and the other in a camera room" his mutters were barely a whisper at this point as he leaned down eyes still trained on the man in the corner "Think we have enough time to leave this shit hole?" Izuku cursed "No." Katsuki says before reaching carefully for the gun and kissing Izuku tenderly, they had barely parted from their kiss when a shot rippled through the room with a loud 

'BANG'.

Chapter 1

"Katsuki Meet your newest partner Izuku Midoriya, you remember him right, you two used to play together when you were just babies" Mitsuki says with a wicked grin on her face as she stared at the green haired freckled boy, who looked just as elated to see his missing 'aunt', looked like something never change.

The two of them were 18 when they saw each other again, Izuku didn't seem to change on first appearance, he seemed to still had a big heart...to big for Katsuki's liking and a bright ass smile that could probably blind a person not used to it by now, and with Katsuki….well….he didn’t seem to had changed either, still cold towards people, he kept his distance, he was raised to lead, for he would be taking over his family's company soon when they see him fit enough to lead that is, Mistuki believed he was still ‘too weak’ and was hell bent on keeping him in line, and it was honestly starting to piss him off, and his father, Masaru, had tried his best to keep his mother off his back but alot of good that did  him.

Looking at this guy he had grown up with until about eight years ago made him even more  angrier cause he knew Inko hadn't been doing her part since they left for America, she was supposed to make him more suitable for the line of work everyone else in this fucked up makeshift family had done, and that job was to kill.

Kill for money, kill for food, kill to pay rent, kill to survive, but no Inko didn't do this she babied him and now this is going to be a whole other issue he’s gonna have to deal with, Katsuki just hopes he knew how to aleast shoot a gun. "Yeah I remember him" He says with a hint of irritation, looking down on him but not by much Izuku was maybe a inch or so shorter than him, "Hey Kacchan'' He says using that same old nickname he used when they were kids, though Katsuki didn't miss the slight twitch of his smile, Mitsuki did though apparently as she continued speaking "Now how about you two go catch up while I go see Inko, Izuku by the way where is your mother honey?" Mitsuki asks with a sweet tone "Talking to Uncle Masaru, in the front yard I think" He says facing Mitsuki again, her grin widens even more at the mentions of her best friends whereabouts, she then ruffles Izuku's hair with a fond smile fixed on her face  before walking off saying as she left "You two behave got it" Izuku of course responding in a "yes ma'am" and Katsuki a loud tsk before grabbing Izuku’s wrist and leading him to the kitchen before letting go.

In the kitchen it was filled with awkward silence with the occasional clunking from the dishwasher currently going.

Izuku sat at the kitchen aisle while Katsuki went in the fridge, after a while of silence Izuku spoke up,  “Kacchan how’ve you been?”, again with the old nickname, it wasn't like they were friends anymore eight years is alot it can change a person “Stop acting all buddy buddy dumbass, its been eight years since you last saw me”Katsuki hissed Izuku sighs and his smile falls just a little more than last time, his smile almost completely dropping “Yeah, I know, but I still see you as a friend of mine, even though by now I know you probably don’t see me as a friend anymore” Izuku says with a low hum, Katsuki looks back with a look of irritation “Thats fucking stupid, for all you know I could be running a drug ring or some shit like that” Katsuki hissed “Like killing people isn’t any worse, atleast five out of the ten people are killed because of something petty or spitful, noone deserves to die for those reasons.” Izuku raises an eyebrow “Your.. gonna have to change your morals if you plan to  work in this line of work Midoriya” Katsuki grabs out several items from the fridge; an egg craton, two onions, dashi, and two scallions he got earlier today, and boneless skinless chicken. He then pulled out several items from a pantry; dry sake, soy sauce, and sugar, “Can you cook nerd” Izuku stands from his seat with a quiet sigh he rolls up his sleeves and stands beside Katsuki grabbing a knife from the knife block beside the stove “Of course I can” he then grabs one of the onions while Katsuki grabs a bowl, a saucepan, and a cutting board placing a bowl and cutting board in front of Izuku before he began combining the dashi, soy sauce, sake, and sugar in the saucepan as the stove was lit to high temperatures, Izuku in the meantime cut up the onions into slivers and chopped the scallions into thin equal parts.

As the cooked the food Izuku spoke up in a monotonous tone with a look of uncaring in his eyes, “I didn't ask to join this business, I’d rather be traveling right now being a photographer since I finished school early and everything.” at this Katsuki gave him a look mixed with confusion and irritation,seemed like the only thing he knew how to show was of those two emotions, “Why in the hell are you waste your time here then,just fucking leave” Katsuki snapped “Cant exactly do that now can I, my mother has filled me in on to much as it is and my dad….. Look, long story short I can’t back out anymore even if I wanted too.” Izuku could feel Katsukis red eyes glaring holes into him even without him looking, because Katsuki had always wanted to go into his parents career choice, sure it wasnt conventional, and honestly wasnt morally correct killing people for money, but that was life for you and Katsuki wanted simple money even if it meant murder, Izuku found saw no good coming from this though and the two of them knew it, thanks to Izuku witnessing a murder his mother did right in front of him when he was six, since then he has been admit that killing was wrong, and he was right it was but it also bring in money so it worth the risk,right. 

“Thats fucking stupid I’m pretty sure that my parents wouldnt care if changed your mind” “Yeah, but then theres my dad, and he made sure to clarify that if I quit I’ll be hunted down by him himself” Izuku frowned at the memory of his father pointing a gun to him for bringing up wanting to be a photographer when he grew up, it was a honest slip up,he was barely eleven,but that slip up was one that he has since regretted since then, Katsuki snickered lightly “Sounds like the old hag” he muttered before turning on the rice and stepping back to lean on the counter aisle “Last I’ve heard he’s out at America working double agent for another hitman agency, heard anything from him, he’s been radio silent here” Izuku shakes his head “No last I heard from him was about a year ago when he said they were sending him out to kill some gut named Yagi Toshinori that had been in the area at the time, he could be dead for all we know” Izuku answers nonchalantly, Katsuki laughed a little louder at this “Your really dont like that old man do you” Izuku decided now was a time to not answer and just shrugged, at this Katsuki smirked “maybe you did change a little” he thought outloud Izuku shrugged once more before checking on the rice and turning the other eye off that held the mixed ingredients “Kacchan, can you answer something for me?” Izuku asked, turning to face Katsuki again, “Why did you hate me when we were younger?” Izuku asks lifting onto a nearby counter top and sitting on it with a small tilt in his head eyes on Katsuki “You don't have to lie either I heard you in the hall at school a few days before you left talking to your friends about how you hated my guts, I left before I could hear your reasoning can you answer that now, I wanna know” the look in Izukus eyes was of pure numbness, not a speck of emotion showing, what the fuck happened to Izuku while Katsuki was in America.

Katsuki sighed in a low voice he starts remembering the past “Well, to put it bluntly, nerd….You were a huge ass crybaby it pissed me off, not to mention your way to caring it was absolutely irritating, you fall in love way to fucking easily, your faith in humanity is fucking rediculas, and not to mention your excessive mummbling made me wanna punch you,did you ever break that fucking habit by the way, but anyways everything you did pissed me off” Katsuki cut himself off realizing at this point he was gonna work himself into actually ranting about his issues with him which shouldnt matter anymore anyways, thinking on how stupid this all was only started to piss him off, but he brought his focus back to Izuku anyways to see his expression hadnt changed even slightly, a few long minutes of silence later and Izuku hops off the counter and turned the rice off “foods done” he says plainly before making bowls, this unsettles Katsuki,greatly. The damn nerd wasn’t reacting to his words at all he blew it off, usually either they would start arguing or he would tear up…. But he didn't do either.

Though Katsuki wanted to ask what the fuck happened to him over the years, but he didn’t have a chance as Izuku turned around with a smile on his face holding two trays in his hand “Hungry?” he asks as if nothing happened,Katsuki lifted up from the counter and grabbed the tray from Izuku  “For the sake of our partnership lets restart alright forget our past” again Izuku confused Katsuki, he nodded nonetheless.

“Fine by me”

Chapter 2

Katsuki’s red eyes was trained on Izuku, everything about him was wrong, it’s like he turned into a literal different person one minute and then back to the kid he knew as a kid a moment later, it completely threw him off, though Katsuki was practically tossed out of his thoughts when he heard Izukus annoyed sigh “Bakugo can you stop staring and just eat your Oyakodon please” he asks placing his spoon down “What the fuck happened to you?” Katsuki asked bluntly Izuku raised a eyebrow “What do you mean” he asks “This whole personality swap your doing its fucking freaky” “Your delusional” Izuku said matter-a-factly before returning to his food “NO IM FUCKING NOT, THE ENTIRE TIME WE WERE IN THE KITCHEN YOUVE BEEN ALL MONOTONE AND SHIT BUT THEN SUDDENLY YOUR ALL HAPPY AND SHIT THE VERY NEXT MOMENT” Izuku covered his ears the second Katsuki started shouting before looking up at the boy “Your acting like a child” “eh!?! What the fuck do you mean by that you damn nerd?!” he asks leaning over his food as he stood, he looked about ready to launch out of his seat, “You heard me your acting like a child, now sit down and eat your food” he motions with his hand toward the boys’s bowl before his phone started ringing and he stood up and excused himself from the table and left with a furiously pissed off Katsuki still staring at the greenette for a moment.

   The greenette’s phone call ended about five minutes later, probably some nobody, and Katsuki had left the room a bit after leaving his bowl of barely touched food, ‘rude’ Izuku thought before he walked over and grabbed his bowl and sealed the top in plastic wrap before finishing his food before his mother and aunt walked in “Izuku~!” his mother sang walking over to him with a soft look in her eyes “Where’s the brat?” Mitsuki asks noticing her kid missing almost immediately, Izuku shrugged “I’m not really sure I stepped out cause a friend of mine called and when I came back we up and vanished” Izuku stated finishing his bowl before he picked up katsukis tray of food and his “But we made Dinner a bit ago we didn't bother coming to get you guys since you all were getting caught up” Izuku give them a small smile that didn’t exactly meet his eyes “Imma be out front for a bit if you need me if you see Ka-Bakugo mind not telling him where I am he’s the last face I wanna see” he asks before turning on his heel and placing the trays on the counter and leaving for the front, though he did over here Mitsuki whistle and ask something along the lines of “when did he grow up”. Izuku shook his head at this and continued to the front before seeing his uncle Masaru “Hey Izuku” he gives Izuku a small smile as he fixes his glasses and adjusts the papers he was currently carrying, probably from his side job, “Hey uncle I'm going out to get some fresh air” Izuku motions to the door just ahead “Where's Katsuki?” Izuku shrugs once more “I have no clue… he kinda ditched me a few minutes ago” Masaru sighs and mutters under his breath “That boy…” he frowns “Don't worry about it I’m used to it anyways” Izuku shrugged off “I'll leave you to your paper, see you uncle” “Goodbye Izuku” he gives Izuku one more smile before walking into his office Izuku took that as cue for him to carry on walking.

   Once outside he reached in his pocket and pulled out a small box of cigarettes, it was a bad habit he picked up thanks to some upperclassmen and his father a few years back, when his mother found out about his smoking habit she blew up, he would like to say he’s never seen his mother so angery and ashamed of him specifically but that would be a lie, Izuku’s done alot of shit growing up, most almost fucking up his chance to get a decent education even though he knew education could only go so far he wanted to accomplish in something, his father was against it so fucking against it he showed up to the school to pull him out thank god his mother called back up to fix his wrong, thinking back to it Izuku couldn’t remember one good moment he could of possibly had with his father, for his father was either beating the living shit out of his mother intoxicated out of his damn mind, cheating; which thinking back to it Izuku had caught him plenty of times when he was little, he was either on jobs, or out doing job knows what getting god knows what, honestly if it wasnt for his father maybe he would of had a decent life...well other than the assassinations his mother does sometimes, Inko had been planning to retire next year, she would have the money since the next four clients she had are paying her 107,805,500 yen each just to kill some guy named Todoroki Enji who apparently he was some high ranking business man that fucked with the wrong family,  and a man named Harima Oji which is currently under heavy security at a prison, how his mother was gonna get to the man, he had no clue but trusted she could handle herself, she was no pushover...anymore.

   Currently Izuku was on his third cigarette and with a look of disgust he threw it on the floor and crushed the flame out “its getting worse” he said to himself before pocketing the cigarette box and picking up the now crushed cigarette when he heard Katsuki’s voice “FUCK OFF IF HE WANTS TO BE ALONE THEN LET HIM IM GOING OUT” Izuku could hear his voice from outside almost as clear as day, Izuku took pity in knowing their neighbors must hear them screaming at eachother all the time now, but nevermind that Izuku watched as the door swung open and Katsuki Bakugo damn near shove him into the small flowers growing just outside the house, something his mother did while his aunt and her family was gone “HEY FUCKING WATCH IT” Izuku shouts before grabbing Katsukis arm to keep himself up right from falling, this though led to Katsuki falling, Izuku barely made it out of the way in time to see the angry blonde boy crash into the dirt with a harsh thud and a “ugh” escape his lips Katsuki completely fell thanks to Izuku ‘Oh this won’t be good’ Izuku thought holding back a laugh as he stepped back to find himself trip right into the outdoor plant, “Well karma’s a bitch” Izuku grunted as he tried to stand, to bad his ass was stuck in the vase sitting on dirt and crushed plants, his balance now completely screwed he watches as Katsuki slowly rises from the ground his blonde hair now covered in dirt and his face red with anger till he sees Izuku’s current situation, Izuku watched as Katsuki's face slowly contorted into a giant shit eating grin “Fucking serves you right, enjoying that seat of yours Midoryia” He snort, Izuku shoots back “I don’t know how that dirt taste, pretty nast fall if your face has anything to say about it” at this Katsuki rushes him pulling him out of the pot and throwing him into the dirt at this point the two boys were fighting well fighting as in rolling around in the dirt throwing punches that missed most of the time because both boys had excellent reflexes, they didn’t break up until Inko sprayed water on the two from the distance with a look of annoyance written all over her face Masaru at the door way with a amused look on his face and a camera in hand Mitsuki was right beside him leaning against his shoulder with a absolutely shit-eating grin. 

 “CAN YOU TWO NOT BEHAVE FOR ONE MOMENT” Inko shouted glaring holes into the two soaked boys still on the ground hands buried either in the others clothing or hair, “TO THINK AFTER ALL THIS TIME NEITHER OF YOU CAN GROW UP AND PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE KATSUKI GO TO YOUR ROOM AND GET CHANGED IZUKU” Izuku who was currently the one being pinned which also meant he wasn't as soaked as Katsuki at the moment looked up at his mother with long sigh before kneeing Katsuki in the stomach forcing him off “WE’RE LEAVING” she shouted Izuku nodded and stood dusting himself off which barely did anything, Katsuki the same, though technically this was his home and Inko was a guest he knew Inko was practically a second mother in the house when the time came, same with Inko's house his parents could order Izuku to his room if a fight broke out between the two which was almost always, sometimes they could manage to stay in the same room together and not fight over the most trivial things, but Katsuki was a hot head and Izuku a smartass with a mouth that had no filter when it came to people he didn’t like or his peers, at this point Inko saw no hope of the two every getting along long enough to even attempt to finish a assessment together.

   Later that night she brought it up to Mitsuki and Masaru over the phone and Mitsuki reassured her it would be fine no matter how things play out, Masaru offered the next time she visits they all could go out to a bar he knew and have a few drinks Inko accepted and a date was set, she marked it down in her calendar and the rest of the day was treated in silence from the Midoriya household and the Bakugo household full of screaming and shouts mainly between Mitsuki and Katsuki with Masaru watching from a distance just, analyzing. 

That's when an idea came to mind. 

He had a plan.

A03 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23696749/chapters/56975155#workskin