#I’ve been out of commission for most of the day with a migraine so

[decarbry]

does AFO communicate with yabureme directly at all?? How’s their relationship?

There is no direct mental communication like with Shigaraki. But if Shigaraki is the prince you have to treat as the king, AFO is the ACTUAL king. In technical terms there’s a lot less forgiveness in disobeying AFO vs disobeying Shigaraki and they made sure to address that in the programming. It’s the difference between thinking that he’s choosing to follow an order (like with Shigaraki) and absolute control with your voice. Picture Drago’s Alpha controlling Toothless in HTTYD2. No thought, just obey. No chance of logic coming into it.

THAT BEING SAID, Yabureme’s personal opinion of AFO is very positive. All the memories he has of him involve what he saw as kindness and care (read: masterful manipulation). AFO was present for much of his development and Yabureme’s warped memory read AFO’s pride as pride in him rather than pride in AFO himself. It’s an almost parent-child relationship. When the quirks were taking hold there was an incident where innumerable eyes opened all over Yabureme’s body; thankfully it was only the doctor in the room at the time and Erasure only had a hold for about five seconds before they closed on their own, but after that the doctor insisted and AFO stopped showing up in the nomu’s blurry pink-water memories until after he was removed from the capsule and he had control over his quirks.

Tangentially related, he also has a very positive opinion of Garaki and the laboratories. Since he doesn’t have any regeneration quirks Kurogiri has to take him to the doctor anytime he needs actual help with bad injuries and he associates those times with care and painlessnees. Especially compared to his time around the league, which tends to not be as positive. Plus, he has nostalgia for the development capsule he was in for the warmth and quiet and safety it provided, like a literal womb. Yabureme had an unexpectedly peaceful “birth” and he credits both Garaki and AFO for it.

[fe-fictions]

Gaius x Robin Commission (Robin gets pregnapped and Gaius is,,, super not okay with it >:O )

Since the end of the Valmese War, and your return to the living world, you found yourself back in the busy world of reconstruction and regrowth. 

There wasn’t as much for you to do as a tactician, and since Gaius was a reformed thief turned war hero, he was now on the right side of the law and would become an upright citizen dedicated to helping you restore the halidoms from Ylisstol’s castle.

But what this meant was that while there was plenty of work to be done, there was a lot more free time on your hands compared to war time. Now that things were busy again, it was getting difficult to find time to relax. 

The hustle and bustle of a growing halidom meant that more needed to be done by Chrom’s chief advisor, baby or not. Gaius was the one who was most worried about it. 

“You know, just because everyone else is getting busy, that doesn’t mean you have to as well, Bubbles.”

You glanced up from your work, where you’d been hunched in your office since the dawn. Your husband didn’t waste much time, closing the distance and circling around your desk. He pulled your chair back, forcing you away from the paperwork.

A small whine escaped you, though your glare was more jovial than annoyed.

“Gaius, this is an important budget proposal I have to review. Miriel was insistent that I give her my recommendations on it by the end of the day-”

“That would’ve been fine four months ago.” He put his arms on either side of you, gripping the back of the chair. “But unfortunately, you’ve been given strict rules not to overwork yourself until the baby’s born. And even then, Maribelle said you’d have to take it easy for another three months.”

“Gods…that’s such a waste of time!”

“She just said to ease back a little.” Gaius reminded you, taking your hands and lowering your arms so that they were wrapped around his waist instead. 

He gently rested your head on his chest, smiling fondly at his pouting, pregnant wife.

“It’s still too long.” You sighed, squeezing him close.

“Yes, yes. How ever will you survive without working yourself to death?” 

“Oh, hush.” You rolled your eyes, “How about you let me finish this review, and afterwards we can take a nice, long break together.”

“Is there anything I can do for you in the meantime?” His question was earnest, which received a warm smile and a squeeze of his hands.

“I would actually love it if you could bring me some of that herbal tea in the royal kitchen. It helps a lot with the back aches, and I’ve been feeling it for the last couple hours.”

“Sure.” He helped you up, “And would you like a sweet treat with that bitter medicinal swill?”

“That would be wonderful, yes.” You grinned at him, leaning up to kiss him. “Thank you for being so perfect.”

“Why don’t you take a little walk in the meantime? That’ll help with the aching while you wait.” 

You opted for a brisk walk in the courtyard. It was actually quite relaxing, and did help ease the tension in your back. The tea would certainly take care of the rest.

Within ten minutes, you opted to head back, figuring Gaius would be ready by then. But when you returned to the office, you found your office empty, only a cup of tea and some biscuits waiting on the desk.

“Guess he had something come up,” You shrugged, had a sip and a bite, and continued with your work. But the ache in your back didn’t ease like normal. A stronger, more irritable ache in your skull started, instead. 

“Ugh…” You groaned, pressing your hands to your head. A sudden migraine was abnormal. The world became blurred, a pit in your stomach. This wasn't an illness. It happened too suddenly. 

It was poison.

“Gaius…s-someone…” Your words were too quiet and too slurred to be coherent. You tried to stand from the desk, but your legs gave out from under you. The cup crashed to the floor in your attempt to catch the desk.

You felt the stone strike against your head, and then…there was nothing.

-------------------------

Gaius was held up by the lack of tea supplies. For some reason, he couldn’t find the right kettle, or the medicinal herbs, or even the cup you preferred. 

The cabinet he had kept everything of yours carefully stored in (the one he shared with you, that most of the royal chefs allowed you two to use)...had been compromised.

Everything was gone.

Gaius was not immediately concerned until he heard from every person he asked in that kitchen if they’d seen your herbs or dishes. To his chagrin, none of them had, save for one…who thought they’d seen Gaius come by earlier to make your tea. 

An impostor.

Gaius was sprinting away from them within seconds. Fear and adrenaline spiked, fueling his system to burst towards the monstrous mess that was coming. He fought the panic back as best he could, but deep down he knew what happened

‘It’s been years…dammit, it’s been this long with nothing-!! Why would they go after her now?!’

Gaius swerved around the corner, clearing the corridors and practically running over anyone who stood in his way by mistake. The door to your quarters was still locked, how he’d left it. Surely you returned from your walk by now. He tore the key from his pocket and thrust the door open.

“Robin?! Robin!!” He called after you, but received no response. He rushed to the office,; and his heart dropped to the floor.

Your tea cup was shattered, spilled all over the stone. Your desk was a mess, and your window, behind the chair…was unlatched. On the windowsill was a single flower; a snapdragon blossom.

The calling card of the thieves’ guild.

“Oh no. Oh gods…oh, oh, Robin-” He stumbled over his feet, trying desperately to turn on his heel and break out of the room. The Exalt was summoned frantically, which didn’t take long to cause a chaotic panic among Shepherds.

Gaius shouting “Robin’s been kidnapped!!”, fomented chaos. He was ripping through the palace, and lighting a fire under every single Shepherd he could find. 

Soon enough, there was a council room filled to the brim with confused and worried soldiers.

“How did she get kidnapped? It’s not even the dead of night-- how did anyone miss that?!” Stahl asked right out the gate. Frederick grimaced, unfurling a map of the continent and another with schematics of the castle.

“I am uncertain, which is alarming. It is not as if we leave the palace understaffed in terms of security. And Robin is extremely capable of defending herself.”

“That’s because these aren’t your run-of-the-mill criminals we’re talking about.” Gaius said, showing them the flower. “This is a message. It was left on the sill in Robin’s office.”

“A snapdragon.” Miriel observed simply, “It symbolizes deceit, does it not?”

“It does. It’s a message from the thieves’ guild.”

“What?” Sully stared at him, incredulous. “No way! We took down that band of fools ages ago. Hells, you were there! You helped us out!!”

Gaius nodded, recalling the days during the war when he’d provided the imperative information to take apart one of Ylisse’s biggest challenges; its organized crime ring.

He had been a part of it, long ago. Though it had served as little more than another avenue for him to bring in cash when he needed it. The ties had been cut long ago in an effort to preserve himself and his own interests. 

He needed to build trust with the Shepherds, and he wasn’t concerned about potential fallout. He didn’t have anything to lose, before. 

“They’re using Robin to get to me. They won’t give her back willingly, and I don’t know what they want to trade with me in exchange for her safety.” Gaius’ hands were on the table, scouring the maps in an attempt to avoid the pitying eyes of his friends and allies.”

“They want revenge.” Chrom’s hand was on his forehead, feeling the gravity of the situation increase exponentially. “If they were able to slip into the palace that easily, they knew how to navigate it. There must be a route that they took, right?”

“There’s a good chance they entered through the catacombs beneath; it would be most difficult to spot them there.”

“And where do these lead to?”

“There’s a network all throughout Ylistol. If they were able to access the royal catacombs, then they likely found an opening. And the entrances to the catacombs are…here, here and here.”

The group gathered around the map as it was marked at the southern and north-eastern sections of the castle.

“If they took that route…it would toss them pretty far from one of their hideouts. Hells, we could throw wyvern riders out there just to be safe, but it’s too open.”

His finger drifted from the southern point to the second marker, tapping his finger against the parchment.

“If they came out here…there’s a hideout 50 miles from here. It’s in the hills, and it’s tough to find; harder to get access to. If they‘re back in their hole, I wouldn’t doubt it’s this one.”

“And if they set up a new hideout? One you didn’t help us find?”

“Then I will spend every waking second hunting them down. I’m not leaving a single stone unturned.” Gaius vowed, his glare furious and filled with purpose. 

They were not going to get away with the foolish choices they made.

“Gaius, I understand your concern. Truly, I do. We’re all worried about Robin and Morgan. But I want to make sure you aren’t going to do anything rash.” Chrom said firmly, “We cannot risk you going rogue and getting injured because you lost control trying to get Robin back.”

“I would never let that happen.” Gaius snapped at him, “But you’re not gonna stop me from trying to find her. I’m not gonna lose her like this!”

“And you won’t. We’re bringing Robin home.” Chrom reassured him, looking tentatively to his knight commander. “But I don’t want you to get hurt trying to save her on your own. So promise you won’t go after her until we form a plan, as a unit.”

“A unit.” He repeated, his voice quieter. He looked around the room, “The amount of time it’ll take to get everyone ready is time we can’t waste. Just let me do this on my own!”

“We’re going to rescue her as a team- and that’s an order. Trust in us, Gaius.”

The thief was not happy. He was angry, and he was afraid. The guild didn’t work slowly, and they didn’t want her unless he came as a result.

There was no time to spare. 

Gaius bit his tongue and nodded, relenting to the Exalt’s command. He watched as the group returned their focus to the map, starting to draw together a strategy. 

They would form a final plan within a few hours, at least, and by then everyone would be ready to go.

As far as Gaius was concerned, a few hours was a waste of your time.

-------------------------

“Lord Chrom!!”

Sully’s voice rang out from the armory, where teh Shepherds had gathered hardly an hour earlier. She rushed to him and Lissa, her face pale and jaw clenched.

“Nobody can find Gaius anywhere.” She reported grimly, “And Cordelia reported that we’re missing a Master Seal from our stock.”

“Oh gods.” Chrom pinched the bridge of his nose. “He didn’t.”

“We need to move, quickly.” Frederick spoke from the side, looking just as grim as Chrom. “If he’s hunting them down we cannot risk letting him do more harm by acting alone.”

The Shepherds were whipped into an even more intense frenzy, rushing to go after not just their tactician, but a thief who likely just changed class to something even more lethal.

It was frightening to think what he was going to do next.

-------------------------

Gaius was able to find the guild fairly quickly, thanks to his lingering connections with Ylisse’s underground. 

Tracking the hideout down to the southern-most point of the kingdom was what caused the biggest headache. But once he found the entrance he was looking for, there was nothing left to lose.

His class change had brought with it a much more vast knowledge of paralytic poisons, with all sorts of fun side effects that might bring them to the edge of death, but nothing more.

The blades in his hands worked quickly in the cover of darkness, striking out and drawing blood at any thief unfortunate enough to pass him by. 

He was rushing through the corridors, the hideout in poor shape and poorly put together. It was clear they were in dire straits.

They would have been welcome to rebuild in his mind, before all of this. Now…well, it was going to be torn down by his own hand.

Veiled in black robes, he navigated swiftly towards their holding cells. It wouldn’t be long before he got where he needed to. 

If they were going to hold a prisoner anywhere it would be somewhere secure…especially given the status of their victim.

He climbed to the ceiling, drawing himself up onto the rafters when he reached the guarded doors.

 Two men, neither had sensed him yet. The wood creaked beneath his feet where he was suspended. Just as they looked up, a dart struck each of their foreheads.

They both fell silently, slumped to the floor.

That would buy him at least thirty minutes, before the poison wore off. He dropped and fetched the keys, swiftly unlocking the doors and descending deeper into the pit of the hideout.

He barely breached the doorway when he heard a familiar, dry laugh.

“It’s about time you came, boy.”

Gaius froze. Standing at the end of the hall, lined by rusting prison bars and stained blood across the stone. There, at the very end, stood his wife, a knife to your throat, your arms and legs bound.

“Robin-” His heart was in his throat. “Baby, are you hurt? What did they do to you?”

“She’s all right for now, Gaius. If you don’t want anything to happen to your wife, or your child, I would put your weapons down and get your hands up.”

They knew you were pregnant. Of course they knew. 

Gaius lifted his arms, taking his weapons out and dropping them to the ground as instructed. Then his hands were in the air.

“All right. It’s all on the floor- I don’t have anything else. Now let Robin go! She doesn’t have anything to do with this!”

“I’m well aware. You gave us all up for a shot at the good life, didn’t you? You thought if you sold out the pepole who took you in and taught you every damn thing you know, that you could live the high life. Have a cushy job in the castle…have a little family…you didn’t think that was gonna really happen, right?”

“Tell me what you want, and let her go- I’ll do whatever you want, so long as she doesn’t get hurt. Just leave her out of this!”

“I’d be happy to…if you hadn’t made such a poor choice. You got to pay for what you did, boy. So here’s what we’re gonna do.”

Gaius’ arms were suddenly yanked behind him, and a boot connected with his stomach before he could even blink.

“Gaius!!”

Your panicked call was quickl silenced with a press of the blade, drawing blood from your skin. Your captor shoved you forward, forcing you to clsoe the distance where your husband was writhing on the floor.

“This is what I want. We’re gonna beat the shit out of you, like you deserve. And then we’re gonna take your wife…you’re never gonna see her again. And as soon as that little brat of yours is born…they’re gonna be a real thief; my progeny. That’s your penance, for destroying the world we worked so hard to build. You spilled our blood…so I’m taking yours.”

Gaius reached his hand out, inches from where you struggled against your captor’s hold. This wasn’t happening. This was a nightnare. He couldn’t lose everything.

“N-no…please…” He gasped, fire burning his lungs with every attempt.

Instead, he got another boot to his stomach. Blood sprayed from his mouth. You sobbed.

“Stop it- stop it, damn you!! H-he can’t fight back!”

“No, he can’t. Looks like little Sticky-Finges Gaius has become a pathetic little creature. And now he gets to watch as we rip his entire reason for living right out of his hands.” The bastard sneered, a sick grin spread wide across his face. “Enjoy this moment, boy. It’s the last time you’ll ever see her face again. Though if you grovel…I might reconsider.”

“Huh…” Gaius’ hand touched the man’s boot, “I d-don’t think so.”

Suddenly, you were released, the man’s body contorting with pain. He fell to the floor, writhing and crying out. Gaius grabbed your wrist, pulling you to his side. He struggled to his knees, holding you to him.

“G-Gaius!” You felt him loosen the bindings, before the rumble came overhead. The ceiling shook, debris falling onto you both. “Gaius what did you do?”

“Poison charms. One of the many…many advantages of the assassin class. Though…I only have a few of those.” He managed, “He’ll be fine in an hour or so…but for now, he can suffer for wat he did…to you.”

“What’s going on upstairs?” You pulled the ropes off, before taking him in your arms, drawing Gaius to your chest. “Is that the Shepherds?”

“I’d a-assume so…they probably aren’t happy that I came for you without them.” 

“You did what??” You gasped, cupping his face to draw his hazy gaze to yours. “Y-you got beaten half to death and they didn’t know you came after me? W-what were you thinking?!”

“I needed…to make sure you…were safe.” He grunted, trying to swallow down the pain reverberating through every bone in his body. His hand fell to your middle, the smallest swell of a baby bump skimmed by shaking fingers. “I wasn’t gonna w-wait around while you were stuck here. If they hurt you…”

“I know. You stupid man.” You shook your head, pressing a kiss to his forehead and hugging him tight. “Let’s try to stop the bleeding while we wait for the others…I don’t doubt they’ll be here soon. And, um…thank you. I can’t imagine what you were going through when you figured out what happened.”

“Don’t worry about it…I wasn’t gonna stop for a second. Not even Blue could’ve kept me from g-getting you two home.”

“You’re a valiant man.” You murmured, squeezing him close. “Now stop talking so much. You’re gonna exacerbate the internal bleeding.”

Gaius nodded, relinquishing control to his dear wife. You did have a good point; the sensations he was feeling weren’t particularly pleasant.

He was able to stay conscious long enough to see Maribelle and Vaike come careening into the holding space, and could hear incoherent scolding when more Shepherds showed up.

When he came to, he found himself in a cot, tucked away in Southtown’s clinic. He would turn on his side to find everything still hurt, and he was tied up in bandages from head to toe…but that his wife was curled up beside him, sleeping soundly with his hand held to your chest.

Gaius accidentally woke you up by throwing his arms around you and hugging you as tightly as he possibly could, and of course peppering you with a thousand kisses that you couldn’t have escaped from if you tried.

You were safe. The baby was healthy, and both spouses would be assigned a long, gentle recovery period until you could return to work.

With plans in place to make sure that should Gaius ever have to leave your side again (which he would make absolutely sure happened as little as possible), he would be easily accessible and could hurry back to you.

The nightmare was over. Mercifully, he was able to bring his family back home. A fear he would spend the rest of his life ensuring would never happen again.

[chenria]

I posted 262 times in 2022

That's 12 more posts than 2021!

183 posts created (70%)

79 posts reblogged (30%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@chenria

@mimikoflamemaker

@sofia-d-asb

@tippystreasurebox

@miasmat

I tagged 205 of my posts in 2022

Only 22% of my posts had no tags

#original character - 24 posts

#litg carl - 22 posts

#litg s2 - 21 posts

#litg season 2 - 20 posts

#litg mc - 18 posts

#thunderbirds are go - 17 posts

#litg carl x mc - 13 posts

#litg fanfic - 13 posts

#shameless self promotion - 11 posts

#digital art - 10 posts

Longest Tag: 81 characters

#i am really looking forward to play more with my new character of princess elodie

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Okay... I threw m plans for a Mermay picture out of the window. I've been binging "My Time at Portia" for days now. This is just such a relaxing and unagitated game that brings me so much joy with building and fulfilling the commissions for the townspeople.

My builder Cassidy nearly instantly fell in love with the head of Civil Corps (the "police" of the town) and Arlo is just so cute.

So I had to feed my current hyperfixiation with a quick fanart of Cassidy with her husband Arlo (yes, she managed to marry him on the last day of the first year :3)

107 notes - Posted May 29, 2022

#4

Patreon reward for the lovely sissy_the_siren - she requested a picture of her adorable Hawke and I hope I did her justice.

110 notes - Posted February 9, 2022

#3

Okay... so... this was supposed to be my "personal art" piece for March. But migraine... I at least managed to finish it and I am mostly satisfied with the outcome. Since it's not a commission I am not going to fret too much over the parts that didn't turn out quite like I wanted them.

But at least I got myself a Lynn/Bruno fanart while I am still enjoying Season 4 of "Love Island the Game".

This game is truly a guilty pleasure and I am probably 20 years older than the target audience XD but it's silly and fun and I need that in my life right now XD Lynn is the main character in this season and I am playing her in the game.

And I know about the controversies around season 4. But I decided that I can't shut out everything in my life that I enjoy because capitalism is a thing... I have fun - you just don't have to take this season too seriously XD

Lynn and Bruno would never work outside the Villa... but that's a problem for another day XD

[My Patrons get the high res version as well as sketches and progress pictures leading up to this piece.]

Patreon || Twitter

112 notes - Posted April 2, 2022

#2

Of course... right before I need to get back to work I find my inspiration and the motivation to draw again ;) At least that's a good sign that I am really over Covid (now I only need to get rid of that annoying cough...) But at least I could seize the remaining time and managed to finish something small for myself. A picture of Virgil Tracy - yes, it's that time again that I need Thunderbirds escapism and a self-indulging picture of Virg... 

Btw... Virigl has horrible hair and I hate to draw it...

The background is a photo of the sky ... I was too lazy to come up with an actual background...

115 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

It’s the 16th... so we can post this, right? I’ve been waiting since May to finally be allowed to share this XD  My contribution to this years TAG Mini Bang ( @tagminibang2022 / @tagminibang ) I got assigned to illustrate one of @womble1′s great fanfics and there was so much to chose from and many brilliant fics! ♥ But that one scene totally brought an instant image to my mind, so I had to illustrate it after I read the little story called “Rest”.

In the sunken seating area, Scott was stretched out across a sofa, head propped up on a cushion, a book in one hand, legs crossed at the ankles.

“That's right little bro,” he [note: Gordon] crouched lower, draping an arm over Alan's shoulder and lowered his voice in his best nature programme voice over impression. “Here we see a very rare sight, for a while it has been thought to be extinct by several scientific communities, it’s a resting Scott Tracy”

Story: “Rest” by @womble1 

121 notes - Posted July 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[themonotonysyndrome]

My Friday was ok, after a bit though I got a really shitty migraine so I’ve been out of commission most of the day but I feel better now :3

What about you hun?

Sorry, Jolly! Accidentally took a nap on the couch😅

Oh shit, migraines are no joke! Did you have some medicines to help you? I'm happy that you feel better now though!

Woke up early this morning for a family errand, slept until 1 PM and uh, just had brunch XD Have you eaten dinner yet?

[echo-of-sounds]

who cares if it’s cliche?

-Aizawa x gn!reader-

cute gif

This was a commission for @seraphicghost​! They asked for a fluffy/sweet scenario with the reader confessing in the rain plus a kiss. Thank you so much for the commission! This was super cute to write!

“Here’s your beer, boys!” Nemuri set the bottles down for Hizashi and Aizawa. She scooted in beside you, chirping, “And here’s your Sex in the Driveway.”

“Thanks,” you droned, choosing to ignore her suggestive eyebrow wiggle. She wasn’t one to let anyone live anything down, and now that she noticed, it has only gotten worse.

Hizashi chugged his beer, then slammed it rather loudly. “Alright! Sho, I’ve shown up at work high, I’ve had a one-night stand with Nemuri, and I’ve never been on a rollercoaster.”

“The former.”

“What? How’d you figure that out so quickly?!”

“Hizashi,” both you and Aizawa said, telling him to control his volume. Aizawa finished flatly, “You can’t not talk about everything you do. You’d tell me something like that. Not to mention how useless you are high. The entire school would’ve noticed.”

You hid your smile behind your drink. The faint smirk that lifted Aizawa’s lips fluttered your chest, spinning into your stomach. If only he let himself smile more, experience happiness more, then you could see his handsome smile more. Dark eyes flicked to yours, flustering your heated heart further.

You had to look away and drink some water. You were an adult. He shouldn’t be making you flashback to high school crushes and wistful, young romance.

The game continued for a few more rounds, eventually petering out. Nemuri leaned against you. Alcohol swarmed from her sigh. Pink flushed her cheeks, sticking hair to skin. She mumbled into her glass before finishing it, “I think it’s time to head home.”

“I’ll get a ride.” You clicked on your phone, and it wasn’t long till it beeped: “Car’s here.”

Sooner than you could even move a leg, Hizashi jumped up, swooping an arm around Nemuri’s waist. “I’ll bring her home. You two have fun.”

“Hizashi,” you called after him. He didn’t acknowledge you as he escorted her outside.

They just abandoned you with Aizawa, who was already looking at you when you glanced over. You went to take a drink. The empty glass prevented that. Lemon slices and ice taunted you, laughing that your last barrier between you two was gone. You set the cup down with a sigh.

Shouta nodded at it, “Want another drink?”

“Sure.”

You were once again beaten to your feet; He stood and took the glass. “Same thing?”

“Yeah, another Sex-” Your voice flatlined upon meeting his eyes. Despite the shadow under them, the red in them, and the heavy brow above, their sudden sharpness took your breath, completely unlike their usual dull and dry tone. The change nailed your brain useless.

“More sex?” His lips lifted ever so slightly. When no sound escaped your hanging mouth, he goaded, “More sex then.”

You slumped in the chair, holding your too-fast heart, replaying the bumbling. Saying ‘sex’ while being within two feet of his face, able to discern the bristles of his beard, a crack in his bottom lip, how attractive- Stop. If you couldn’t grow up and say something to him, then don’t bother thinking it.

A blue drink was placed in front of you. It was only your second, yet combined with the tickling in your neck and the bite in your chest, it felt like you were four or five in.

Shouta retook his seat across from you. Whatever you were feeling, anxiety or infatuation, that weighed your heart, lightened with his soft smile. It reached up to a soar when he asked about your most recent patrol.

Thankfully, the conversation from there flowed smoothly. You could keep up with no fumbling and simply enjoy your time with him. And you even got to see a couple more smiles, though they were faint. Every single one made thoughts echo inside: Just ask. It’s not that hard. Just ask! It made it difficult to focus on his words.

Once you finished your drink, your body, while light, lagged tired. You spoke through a yawn, “I’m gonna head out, Sho.”

“Need a cab?”

“No. I actually think I’m going to walk. It’s a pleasant night.” You stood and zipped up your sweatshirt.

He mirrored you and fixed his scarf. It wasn’t his Hero one, just a simple dark gray one, still allowing him ample room to nuzzle into it. Plus, it made him look reasonably fashionable compared to how he typically dressed. He grabbed your wallet from the table, holding it out for you, “I paid for the drink upfront.”

“Shouta, you didn’t need to do that.”

“No big deal,” he shrugged it off.

Yes, it was. If the others were here, you doubted- No. You knew he wouldn’t have done that.

You accepted your wallet and his kindness, muttering on the way out, “Thank you.”

The stroll home started quietly. Gusts blew your hood around. Shouta maneuvered to the outside of the sidewalk, so he was between you and traffic. Your elbows bumped every few steps. Neither of you commented or changed positions, letting it keep happening. If anything, you wanted to step closer to feel the emitting from his body.

Water dripped down the back of your sweatshirt, startling you. The single droplet increased to a steady rain in seconds. You hugged your hood and yourself. He nudged your arm and nodded to a nearby drugstore. It wasn’t much. But it was shelter.

Inside, Shouta slicked his hair back. Pale fingers combed through thick black, unveiling a sharp jaw and lovely scruff; too stunning to always hide under a mess of hair. The wet strands struggled to fit into an elastic. With enough finagling, they finally pulled into place, leaving room for the darkened line on his cheekbone to stick out. Just like his eyes did…

Which were staring at you. Dammit. You turned into an aisle, searching for anything interesting that wasn’t him. All it would take was a handful of sentences then he would know. If he reciprocated, all would be grand; your worry was for naught. However, if he didn’t, the plague of dread that’s accompanied the crush would crash. Never knowing felt like the better option.

You walked the main aisle. There were pool toys, makeup, hygiene, sex toys that you vehemently avoided, fearing Shouta would see the smallest glance towards them. A pair of fleece socks got your attention. The inside was incredibly fluffy and thick. The outside had kitty pawprints designed all over them.

“These are cute,” you smiled and showed them to the approaching Shouta.

He grunted and continued. It didn’t hide the fact you knew he thought them cute as well. Cats were the only things he gave into.

You combed the rest of the rows of items. Not one thing piqued your interest enough to buy. You searched for Shouta, finding him at the checkout, buying a pack of gum and some migraine relief pills. He lifted his brow.

You answered the silent question, “Didn’t see anything special.”

“Not even the cat socks?”

“If I’m still thinking about them in a few days, I’ll come back for them,” you smiled.

After thanking the cashier, your walk home resumed. The rain had stopped, leaving everything glossy and smelling of the earth. It lifted the air between yours and his shoulders.

Thick fingers extended a piece of gum. His eyes remained on the sidewalk when you took it and thanked him. The fresh mint sent a little chill down your back, frosting your mouth as you watched him, thinking, ‘Now was a perfect time. No one’s around. You just need to say it. A few sentences and you’re done.’

The instant your mouth opened, rain poured, loud and heavy. Your hood provided sparse protection.

Shouta grumbled into his scarf, “So much for a nice night.”

“Sorry… But you didn’t have to walk with me, you know? You could’ve called for a ride.”

His eyebrows scrunched with a groan.

“Here’s your turn, anyway. Get home fast,” you called over the pattering, nodding towards the left turnoff. The top of his apartment peaked out over the smaller buildings.

“It’s late. I’ll walk you home,” he grumbled again. His voice carried much less complaint this time and more concern.

Both of you picked up the pace, fast-walking down the sidewalks and hustling across the streets.

Only at your door did you face Shouta, not caring about being soaking wet anymore. He was closer than you expected, nearly bumping into his chest. You looked to his mouth, unable to make it to his eyes, unsure if you wanted to see them this close. You surprised yourself with how steady your voice sounded, “Do you want to come inside? Drink something warm?”

“I’m alright. Just wanted to make sure you got home alright.”

“I did. Thank you.” Your legs didn’t move. It’d be a whole lot warmer, calmer, dryer inside. “I know Hizashi drags you out to these things, but I still hope you had fun tonight.”

“I did.” His flat face gave you no emotional indicators.

“Good, I’m glad.” You said your goodbyes, yet your feet stayed put. Water soaked through all of your clothing. Goosebumps pricked down your arms. The rain vaguely obscured the handsome features you’ve been ogling at, wishing to call them yours.

He spun and took five steps away before you mustered, “Shouta?”

He faced you, waiting, half scowling, probably, hopefully, due to the rain.

“There’s something I’d like- There’s something I want- I want you to know. It’s okay if you don’t- If you’re not on the same page as me. I just- just…” Just say it. It was only a few words. You sucked in, preparing yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically for the absolute worst outcome, then spoke as confident as you could, “I just think you’re- I wanted to tell you that I’m-” Your heart heated as you finished, “I’m interested in you… more than a friend.”

The downpour built. You could no longer see his face. His mouth mumbled something. Unable to hear, you shuffled close, wiped water from your face, and asked him to repeat himself.

Shouta closed the tiny gap between your chests. You could only look at his mouth. This time though, you wanted to meet his eyes. It was the damn rain preventing that.

A finger lifted your chin. Instinct lowered your eyelids. The rain ceased on your face as lips connected to yours. They pressed unexpectedly sweetly, only to curl into a smirk and pull away.

You matched his smile, struggling to hold in the laugh, “A kiss in the rain, Shouta? Don’t you think it’s kinda cliche?”

“Who cares?” The hold on your chin tightened a bit and guided you back to him. All the anxiety bubbled up, popping and releasing as a giggle. Weight freed from your shoulders. You cupped his cheeks, kissing back with new excitement.

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Update On Personal Life/Current Situation

Hey guys, sorry that I've been kinda quiet. I know there was a week or so where it seemed like I was maybe going to get back to posting regularly, with several stories a week as opposed to one every couple, and I'm sorry to disappoint.

I'm just going to summarize things real quick, and y'all can keep reading afterwards if you're curious about details: My chronic health issues have continued to get worse. I've barely been able to do anything productive for a couple weeks now, and I've chosen to focus on stuff around the house (performing environmental maintenance for myself, cuz I'm my own zookeeper) with what energy I do have. At this point, I am not overly concerned about any underlying issues causing my health's decline. Truth be told, I am still leagues better than I was at my worst (prior to dropping out of high school).

To do a quick comparison: Several years ago, I had a migraine roughly 4 or 5 out of every 7 days. Not just a headache, a migraine. Medication did help, to a degree, but the side effects meant that I often still spent most of the day unable to do anything that required more than a very small portion of brain power. These days, I've been having maybe 1 migraine day a week, and 3 or 4 headache days a week.

My worst streak of migraines was over a month long. The pain wasn't constant, thanks to drugs, but that was still over 30 migraine days in a row. Right now, I am sitting at about a week and a half. Thankfully, most days my headache doesn't reach migraine level until later in the day. However, with the way that I've been prioritizing my tasks, that means I haven't done more than a pinch of writing recently. Well, a pinch by my standards.

Hence the lack of content. I want to be writing more. I want to be creating content, half because I enjoy and half because there's still a part of me hoping that if I make enough (consistently enough, for long enough) someone will eventually donate or commission me, and fuck I need some income.

I don't really know how to end this post, because there's not much more for me to say right now. I'm sick, I'm suffering, I don't know when the pain is going to ease.

As always, donations are appreciated.

Love, Jordan Van Daalen

[princessrainbows]

Genuine Laughter

Title: Genuine Laughter

Warnings: Mentions of; Depression, Suicidal thoughts/attempts(maybe?) Alcohol intake. (The reader is the depressed one out of the paring!!) Mention of the reader’s Quirk being Teleportation. Ends with fluff

Words: 2k+

A/N: I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now. Seeing so many of the Keigo x reader blogs that I currently follow rn, has hugely inspired me to write up a small drabble!

Paring(s): Keigo Takami | Hawks x Fem! Reader

--------------------------------------------

             Depression is like battling a 200 foot Dragon every day. It’s not something so easy to overcome. Many people don’t even know when  somebody they know have depression whenever it’s brought up in a conversation.

They’ll think that everything is fine and dandy, and that the person who mentioned the mental illness is trying to find attention when, in reality...They just want to be loved, cared for, and helped. They don’t want their thoughts to be true, they want to be saved from them.

So, when you, ever so casually, mentioned that you felt like dying one day to Keigo, it caught him off guard. It really bothered him that somebody  so smart and so powerful just...Wanted to give it all up. “Hey hey, what’s the matter dove? Something bothering you” He asked, noticing that you where....Off, and have been for a long while now that he thought about it.

       That night stuck with you. The fact that he picked up on your casual self-loathing habits of talking about death so casually like that, surprised you to say the least. Most of the time, people around you would either scoff or just ignore you, or Meme your mental illness, thinking that’s what you wanted to do since, that’s what you’d always do to hide the pain you felt all the time.

Being a hero isn’t that easy. Especially with a quirk as powerful as your own, your in constant demand all the time. Always teleporting everywhere to save people and give back-up to pro-hero’s who need it. And now that you where sought out by The Commission people who raised Hawks, you’ve become his body guard so to speak. Sure, he might be fast, but, you can match up in speed thanks to your quirk.

So, not only are you in high demand, you never get to catch a break! Hell, you didn’t even want the spotlight! So, this made you start becoming depressed. You where so busy all the time. You barely got any real decent rest, you hardly have time to yourself for a nice bubble bath, or read a cool book.

You did your best to hide everything from everybody. You’d play it off and fake-laugh with people that would question whether or not you where really okay or mentally sane at the time of the conversation/interaction.

         But, you didn’t take into account for Hawks noticing it. He noticed everything. He noticed your facial expression visibly changing with every minute of the day depending on your mood. He’d notice the way you’d get snippy at different people if you’d woken up to a particularly bad mental day for you. He EVEN noticed that one day when you locked yourself up in your bedroom at his place around 8:30pm at night. He heard your weak sobs underneath the blanket.

The man was like a Dog with his hearing. he heard and saw everything. But, he knew that if he asked, you’d joke it off and turn down his help.

It wasn’t until when things got REALLY bad for you was when he stepped in and demanded that you explained everything to him. You had three drinks that night after poppin’ in quite a lot of Tylenol pills for your severe Migraine you where having that same day. You just wanted it to stop so you could be Okay for once.

After some prying, you finally told him what’s been happening. You told him that you’ve been battling with Depression and your Suicidal thoughts for the past several months. You even mentioned that your PTSD was starting to act up again, which just made things worse for you in the end.

He didn’t show any emotion. he just...Stared at you, in pure shock. You’ve been battling this battle by yourself this entire time that the two of you have been seeing each other, you’ve kept EVERYTHING to yourself until you blew up and tried ending it all.

It terrified him. He didn’t do anything out of worry that he might make it worse for you, but also, he felt like he should have done something, ANYTHING to have helped! “...Oh god........I’m so sorry” was all that he could really say before you passed out from being so damn tired, drunk, and dizzy from the Tylenol pills you took that day. Falling right into his lap, all he did was let you stay there and fall asleep.

------------------------------------------

             That happened two months ago. You never really FULLY changed but, you noticed that you weren’t as bad as you where back then. Actually, you made a little chart marking down the Really Bad Days, from the Good/Okay days, and you’ve never had a single Really Bad Day since then. You’re days from two months ago to now have just been Meh/Okay and sometimes, even Good!

Today was different for you. When you woke up, it was around 11am, you felt...Light. Like as if you where floating in the air. But, it wasn’t a bad feeling by any means! Which lifted your spirits up quite a bit.

You reach to your cell phone and check your stuff, ignoring the majority of it except for Keigo’s messages (and selfies) and your Boss’ message, which woke you right out of bed! You blinked at it with your glasses on and notice a message from him: [”You’ve been invited to a Pro-Hero exclusive Gathering. Along with Hawks, Endervour, and many others. Dress nicely, and behave.”] Blinking several times, you groaned, falling back on the bed with an arm over your eyes, pouting in annoyance, “I hate fancy parties...” you sighed out loud.

Today was a really good day for you and your mental state. You weren’t smiling by any means but, you weren’t frowning either. You did your usual routine before heading out to work, since you’re with the Commission now and not some Hero agency, you’ve been given permission to have your own schedule (with the help from Hawks so that way he could keep an eye on you of course.)

“---And since I’m in a good mood today....I’ll give you a minute of a head start to try and run.” You say before grinning as you watched the group of bad guys try and flee with the stolen loot from the local store you where shopping at for a Brunch. “Too Slow..” You commented, teleporting right in front of them, grabbing the enemies uniforms and rolling your eyes as they tried running.

The police where called, and you where thanked for your efforts, “Wow! You look happy today y/n! Something happened?” The officer noticed your mood and commented on it, you shrugged, giving a slight chuckle, “Nothing in particular! I just feel good today that’s all~” you cheered before waving them off, seemingly having left them dumbfounded by your response.

           You had a really good day of just, doing whatever you wanted! Holding your drink in your hand with a small snack in the bag in your other hand, you walked by a clothing store with several outfits in the window. You noticed a very nice looking dress with a paired Tuxedo beside it, shrugging you walked into the store, you DID need a dress for tonight’s Por-Hero exclusive Gathering after all! Even if they weren’t your favorite thing to wear.

“Hi there miss! Welcome to our store! is there anything that I can do for you?” You where greeted by a worker who wore a very nice business suit, you took a pause from your drinking and looked at her outfit, “Actually...Yeah. Can I ask where you got that outfit? See, I’m heading to a fancy ball and stuff...But, I’m not that much of a Fancy Dress type of person.” You replied, gesturing your jaw at her outfit, as to not point since that would’ve been rude.

“Oh sure! We actually just recently added these types of outfits to out store so, we’d be happy to have a pro-hero wear one!....You are Pro-Hero Y/N correct?” You nodded in response, sipping on your drink. You followed the business woman to the stores selection and looked around...The shop was nice despite how cold it was.

It didn’t take you that long to find what you wanted. Coming out of the change room in front of the business woman, you stood there with a blows, a nice pair of black work pants, fancy black shoes, and a nice jacket to cover yourself with. Once you changed out of it and went to the cash, you purchased the outfit and thanked the woman for the help.

           You returned home with your now, not so hot Brunch and outfit in tow, getting ready for the fancy ball party for tonight while eating at the same time. You weren’t positive that you were going to have a good night but hey, you where invited! You couldn’t say no! Especially since you where in a good mood, you figured ‘eh, why not? Keigo’s gonna be there anyways so~’ and went with it.

A few hours had past, and it was time for the gathering. You rode in a somewhat fancy vehicle to the location of the party. Getting out of the car, you could already tell that eyes where on you. You ignored them, and thanked the driver and went into the building.

Using the elevator, you went up to the highest floor, which was a party room dedicated to pro-hero’s and their parties. You were slightly nervous since your mental state was still...Not exactly the best but, a lot better than a couple months ago. Putting those thoughts aside, you walked into the entrance area. You saw two doors both opened with two guards there, one stopped you and looked down, “Ma’am, this is a Pro-Hero party. Please show proof that you’ve been invited or we’ll have to remove you from the premise.” You sighed in annoyance, knowing that the guy was just doing his job. You pulled out your Hero License and showed it to him. He nodded and allowed you in.

Walking into the main area, you stood in awe, ‘They really went all out huh?’ You thought to yourself, staring up at the fancy decorations that seemed to blend in well with everything else in the room. You took in the atmosphere, not used to the Party life At All, staring off into the area as you listened to the soft music playing on the small stage area. “Wow! I didn’t think you’d show up of all people!” You hear a familiar voice from a loud woman behind you. Her grin was wide and she was excited to see more people coming to the party, “Yeah....The Commission had invited me over. I’m assuming it’s to keep an eye on hawks since he’s been invited as well...” You automatically noticed the wingless man near the farthest end, standing beside Endervour, laughing it up with the small group that gathered there for the night.

“...You know y/n. Most of the public knows your not a party person. Just imagine the press when they get a hold of this! ‘Y/N seen at a fancy Galla ball with Pro-Hero Hawks by her side!’ haha, they’ll get a good scoop for that one~” She chuckled, patting you on the back shoulders gently before walking towards the crowd giving them a wave. You groaned...You really hate the media being in your face all the time. So, something like this would DEFINITELY, be a pain in the ass to deal with.

----------------------------------------------------

                 The party continued on for the night, you talked and hung out with everybody at the party. You also did your job and reported to your boss at what was happening with Hawks, telling them that he was behaving well and having a blast. Once you sent in the report, you decided to spend the rest of the night with Keigo, walking up to the small group of pro-hero’s that he was telling a story too. “---And even tho I was trying to make the poor woman laugh, safe it to say, that didn’t help my situation at all. it just made the other’s more angry--” The group chuckled with him, and you just rolled your eyes.

The party went on like this for hours. By the time you where ready to go back home, it was around 12am. You and Keigo spent the last hour going home. He was just a tad bit drunk and a little bit silly as well, trying to handle him when he’s a bit drunk was hard but, you somehow managed.

“Hey.....Hey y/n....” He mumbled, trying his best to keep what little composure that he had left. “Yes Kei?” You asked, grunting while you placed him on your couch, grinning, he pulled you down into a cuddle, you didn’t mind it at all. Since you were quite tired from the party, having been out for a long time on your feet for the most part.

Keigo wasn’t really talking per say. He was mumbling random words in between some cute sweet nothings to you as he held you close to him. “Hey...y/n?.....” He whispered in your ear, first telling you how much he loved you...And then, telling you a silly joke that was, actually pretty funny! You couldn’t help but snicker then laugh in his chest, burying your face in it, you snorted off and on until you could breathe from the laughing again.

Keigo blinked in surprise. he managed to make you laugh.....Like, genuinely laugh at one of his jokes. He didn’t put any thought into it at all, he just went with it, and that made you laugh until you snort-laughed in his chest.

           This made your night. Just that one time with Keigo on the couch, making you laugh. You felt at ease, happy, even safe. You don’t want to forget this night, you want to cherish it for the rest of your life.

With Keigo being your partner, your depression and suicidal thoughts where a little bit easier to handle. Because you were no longer by yourself dealing with them anymore. You had Keigo to help. And you knew that this man would do anything to make your life, a little less painful to deal with.

[pettyprocrastination]

Rip Out Our Seams and Stitch Us Together

Maxwell Lord x Valerie Lord x Black!Reader

Chapter Two

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: Profanity, slight sexual themes, description of the beginning of an anxiety attack, Max puts his hands on you for a hot second but then you rip him a new one lmao. 

Chapter Summary: The Lord’s have a discussion while Max work’s from home and you meet the other half of D.C’s richest power-couple that you now work for. 

Tag List: @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa​ @captainsamwlsn​ @zeldasayer​ @readsalot73​

Chapters: 1/2

The Lord manor was silent, as it always was. Even when Max and Valerie were home, it was still lifeless. 

Her heels clicked against the marble floor as she walked into her bedroom, which was larger than most living rooms. The steady click-clack echoed throughout  the grandiose household and bounced right back to the source. Nothing else was heard; no laughter, no pitter-patter by the feet of excited pets or even children to see mommy come home. Not even the eagerly awaiting footsteps of her husband to welcome her back, take her bags, and ask her how her day went. 

Maxwell was never the type for such idiosyncrasies, and never would be. 

Cold, empty, fake.

A dollhouse meant for Barbie and Ken was more authentic. 

I guess that made them no more real than the toys themselves.

Well, that is if Barbie and Ken secretly hated each other and slept with other people on the side all throughout their relationship. Valerie didn’t know much about dolls. 

She set the plastic bag onto her bed and began unbuttoning her blouse, letting it fall off her shoulders and onto the ground before shimmying out of her jeans. 

Valerie Lord wearing something that isn’t designer? She picked up the sundress that had first caught her eye, pressing it to her chest and marveling at just how soft it felt. That’ll be the fucking day. 

She slid it on with ease, she couldn’t say that for half of her wardrobe. 

Dresses were made to hug her figure and accentuate her curves. Constricting, suffocating, so tight she could barely breathe and the flashing of cameras so bright, nothing was there to ground here, nobody was.  She couldn’t see it all was too-

Soft. Her fingers ran along the fabric, hips swaying slightly as she watched the long skirt flow with her movements. It hugged her chest like it was made just for her, but it didn’t suffocate her - not a choking grip on her lungs, but a gentle hand on her chest. Her hands drifted down to the pockets, where she slid them in and remembered the grin you had on your face when you told her. 

“It’s sort of my signature.” You boasted, chest puffed out like you just won a gold medal. Valerie couldn’t help but notice the shirt you had been wearing, a button up with covered in different colored squares, so tacky and loud she could feel the migraine building just from looking at you. 

She also couldn’t help but notice just how little buttons were actually used to close it. A wide expanse of your chest on display, smooth skin practically on show for her before stopping just above your belly button, the curves of your chest peeking through enough for her to wonder if you slipped, would you be completely exposed?

Valerie shook herself free from the thoughts of the ridiculous seamstress, with her ridiculous tattoos and that ridiculous nickname. ‘Stitches,’ give me fucking break. She scoffed, but then turned around to admire the dress from the back. You do good work though…

The idea was set in her mind, and Valerie Lord was as stubborn as they come. There was no turning back. Won’t be too bad, she reasoned with herself. I could count it as my charity work for the month. 

~

Maxwell sat in his office, nursing a glass of scotch while going over a contract sent over to him late that afternoon. He could’ve easily stayed late at work, it wouldn’t be the first time. Valerie wouldn’t have worried, or cared at all really. She slept in a separate bed, in a separate room on the other side of the house. 

She wasn’t his reason for coming home early. Christ, she wasn’t the reason he did anything. 

The true culprit was his secretary. 

Delilah Harris was a pretty young thing who must've thought that sleeping with the big man would get her a better job, better pay, or maybe a side job as his sugar baby. What she wanted exactly he wasn't too sure about, but if he had to deal with the pathetic woman cuddling up to him at his own company as if they were lovers moonlighting a secret affair? Oh, he was going to lose his shit. 

So he found himself  sitting at the mahogany desk in his office, glasses pushed up on his nose. Finally able to get work done without being distracted by some incompetent bimbo batting her eyes at him.

The door to his office creaked open. He didn’t bother looking up.

Spoke too goddamn soon. 

“I've commissioned a seamstress to make me a dress for the gala in September.” Valerie’s voice was always so matter of fact. So condescending, as if her flimsy shrink degree suddenly meant she was smarter than him, the one who actually made money. 

“I’ll be meeting with her tomorrow.”

“That sounds positively riveting, dear.” Max drawled, turning a page to read more of the agreements. He was only a quarter through the damn thing and he already knew half of these deals weren’t going to be made unless he was six feet fucking under. Somebody was definitely getting fired tomorrow.

“I’ll be a bit tied up at work. You know, since I actually have a job and all. But you go ahead and make sure to tell the sewing mice I said hello, Cinderelly.”

He heard his wife huff and put her foot down, Max didn't have to see her to know she had her arms crossed and a frown on her painted lips. Like she always did when she didn’t get her way, a petulant child with an endless temper tantrum. 

“She’ll be making a suit for you as well, darling.”

The glasses slipped down his nose as his head shot up. “Excuse me? If you didn’t notice I’m a little busy running-” He stopped in his rant to take in the flowing white dress she wore that came all the way down to her shins. “Well that’s a bit too ‘Little House on the Prairie’, don’t you think?”

She uncrossed her arms, hands coming down to the skirt to bunch it around in her fists and swish it side to side. “Well I like it, and I’ll be damned if I don’t do something just because you don’t like it.”

Max snorted and set his glasses on the table. “Well that much is true, given how much you know I loathe that laughable model, yet you still keep him around.” He feigned thought and looked off in the corner. “What’s his name? Randy?”

“Robert.” She corrected. “And how’s the secretary, still drooling at your feet like the little lap dog she is?”

“At least she gets on my lap.” His eyes roamed her figure in the dress with a hunger she hadn’t seen in God knows how long. “What are you wearing under that?”

Valerie grinned, her hands slowly slid up her legs, dragging the dress along with them. “Well wouldn’t you like to know?”

Her husband sighed, head falling into his hand but never letting his eyes leave her form. “You know I hate games Valerie.” His tone was even as he spoke but she could see the tension in his shoulders like a steel wire ready to snap.

“Well that’s not true at all.” The dress passed her knees and slid up the silky skin of her thighs. “I know for a fact that you love games.”

Her hands released the skirt, letting it fall back around her legs.

“But only when you win.” She turned on her heel, fabric swishing around her as she did. “Wednesday afternoon, Maxwell, don’t be late!” Valerie slammed his office door shut behind her, leaving her husband alone once more.

Maxwell sighed, long and loud, before he pushed his glasses upright on his face and returned his attention to the stack of papers in front of him. For the rest of the night he did all he could to push away the phantom image in his mind of his wife’s supple thighs gripped in his hands. 

~~

Max looked to the building his driver parked outside of with great disdain.

“Check again.”

The driver, Daniel, sighed and looked through the mirror to meet his employer’s eyes. “I have sir, three times already. This is the address that Mrs.Lord gave to me.”

The shop was tiny, the name “A Stitch In Time.” on a sign above the door. A series of little figurines, mugs, and warrior knic-knacks lined the multiple window sills. It was quaint, homey, and the type of place many feel like a friend rather than a customer. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Max stomped out of the car, shutting the door with so much vigor it shook slightly. 

“Wait here for me.”

“Of course sir.”

His first step onto the asphalt, was directly into a puddle of muddy water that splashed back against the end of his trousers. Even through the window he could hear Daniel cough to hide his laughter. 

Max peered through the windows, looking for a sight of anybody within the store before grabbing the door using only two fingers and walking inside. 

A small bell jingled against the door as his entrance, and a voice called out from the back of the store.

“I’ll be out in one moment!” A woman shouted, Max took the chance to look at the racks of clothing around him, picking up one particularly horrendous skirt with the tips of his pointer and forefinger with a frown. 

This was the place that Val chose? Maybe he should sign her up for rehab, because she’s got to be smoking something to think-

“Welcome to a Stitch in- oh shit.”

Max turned his head to see you standing at the back door, mouth slightly agape. He took in your cheap jeans, your gold chain resting against your chest, a large expanse of skin left sinful on display due to the especially gaudy shirt you wore only being buttoned by the button three. Untamed curls framed your face like a halo as you stand shocked by the man before you.

“Son of a bitch.” You mumbled, your eyes raked over his blonde hair all the way to his designer shoes. “That lady was actually for real.”

“That Lady, being my wife I presume?” 

Max's voice, though annoyed, was rich and smooth and shook you out of your stupor.

“That she is. She came in on Monday and briefly spoke about..a commission?”

“Yes.” He continued to walk around the store, looking at everything with a sour face, even you. “Why she did I’m not so sure.”

“Excuse me?”

Five minutes in and Max Lord was already proving to be worse than his wife.

“Is this place up to health code?”

“Excuse me?”

Five minutes in and it was confirmed that Max lord was definitely worse than his wife.

He waved a dismissive hand in the air before he stopped browsing judging your store. 

“But what baby wants, baby gets.” He drew a hand to his heart in what could only be described as a sarcastic display of fake love.“Happy wife happy life and all that bullshit, right?”

You knew from the get-go that Maxwell Lord the Fourth was a load of shit. The moment you saw his dazzling smile in his commercials you knew that in real life he was probably like every other rich person in the world. Entitled, classist, and so judgmental they’d reject a glass of water in the Sahara if they knew it was tap.

You weren’t sure if it was satisfying or disheartening to know you were right. 

Nonetheless, a job is a job and you’d having to be fucking insane to reject a giant payout like the Lord’s would no doubt offer. 

But that didn’t mean you had to be happy about it.

“Timeline?”

Max blinked. Usually people who thank him for the oh so amazing chance to work for him, but you stood your ground. He tilted his head to the side, looking at you with  a new inkling of respect. 

“Four months.”

“Event?”

“The museum of Natural History is throwing a gala for it’s donors.” He adjusted his cuffs as he spoke to you, only looking at you in brief glances which pissed you off even more. “I’m the top one.”

You scoffed under your breath. “Of course you are.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said how charitable of you.”

The animosity of his glare dissolved into a smirk. “Of course.”

You stuffed your hands into our pockets so he wouldn’t see how tightly they were balled up into fists. 

Think of the money, dumbass. You reminded yourself. Stomach the rich people bullshit for a little bit for a huge payout. You've got this.

“I’ll be able to do it, but it may be a time crunch.” His face fell once more. 

“This is a job, honey.” He spoke slowly and moved his hands with each word as if you didn't understand what he was saying. 

“I expect it to be done to the best of your abilities, whatever pisspoor standard that may be.”

Well, you thought before you marched forward until you were nearly nose to nose with the billionaire. You lasted this long, that’s reward enough. 

“Listen here you glorified trust fund baby, I work hard and I work well. But keep in mind I have a multitude of people coming through that door every damn day that I also do work for. So don’t think that just because you and your trophy wife have matching silver spoons wedged up your-”

Max’s left hand lashed out and clamped over your mouth, his fingers digging into the plush skin of your cheeks. If you weren’t so fucking pissed that this mother fucker had the audacity to put his hand on you like that, you may have taken a moment to marvel at just how soft they felt against your skin. 

You reared back, blood roaring in your ears before you finally found your voice. “You’ve got to be out of your goddamn mind if you think you can put your hands on me like that and not expect me to shove my foot up your-”

While you yelled, Max fished a slip of paper out of the pocket of his coat and handed it to you with a condescending smile. “Will that suffice?”

His manner, so calm and collective while you were about to wring his neck made you pause. 

“Will what suffice?”

He sighed, wiggling the slip in the air. “This.”

You set your hands on your hips and stare at him in defiance. “Oh? What is it? A certificate for being the most pompous-”

“Just take a fucking look and you’ll see!”

While at first his sudden booming voice caused you to jump. You couldn’t help it, but your chest swelled with pride at seeing the great Maxwell Lord lose his temper at you. To know that you could get under the skin of the most powerful man in D.C. was almost enough payment in itself. Keyword being almost.

You snatched the paper from his hands, anger melting into shock when you realized it was, in fact, a written check and-

That’s a lot of zeroes. 

Max picked some imaginary lint off his shoulder before he took in your gobsmacked form with a satisfied smile. “I trust that will be enough to cover the consultation fee?”

Christ on a cracker, this was just for the consultation fee?

Stand your ground, girl. You reminded yourself. Don’t give him power over you. Give this corporate ken doll a piece of your mind.

You cleared your throat as you tucked the check worth more than your car into your backpocket and crossed your arms. With squared shoulders and your head held high you spoke in the most impassive and neutral tone you could collect from yourself. 

“It’ll do.”

Maxwell grinned like he was the cat and you the canary. You wondered what that made his wife. The sadistic pet owner most likely.

“Marvelous.” He all but purred. “Valerie will be in tomorrow to talk design with you. Until we meet again, Stitches.”

With a quick pivot on his heel, your richest client walked out of your store and into the car waiting for him outside. 

You felt a bit of your pride return when you watched him step into the dirty puddle of gutter water for a second time that day.

[mental-mona]

On Chronic Illness Part 1

You ask me how I'm doing. I plaster a smile on my face, say "Ok, how are you?" and we make small talk. But what I really want to say is, "I feel like crap. My head is killing me and I'm coming off a bipolar episode. Every day is pain. It's making me irritable, and what I really want to do right now is go home and collapse. Now, unless you want to help me in some way, would you please leave me alone so I can do that?" Except that you would be completely taken aback by that and not know how to respond. Unexpectedly telling someone that life isn't so great is not a socially acceptable thing to do; unless the person is a really close friend I'm supposed to just pretend everything's fine as we exchange the usual pleasantries. Besides, opening up and admitting that I'm having issues leaves me far too vulnerable, and who wants to be vulnerable?

If you are more than a nodding acquaintance, at this point you probably stop me and say, "But I do care! I do really want to hear about what's happening with you!" To which my response is, no, you probably don't. If I were to complain to you about how much pain I'm in as often as I want to, i.e. as much as it hurts, you would soon think that I'm horribly whiny and try to distance yourself. If I were to complain about how much this is killing my life and my ability to do anything, you would think that I'm being lazy and self-centered. Maybe I am being a bit self-centered, but let's see how well you function in this position and then we'll talk.

Let me try to help you understand. Have you ever read about spoon theory? If not, read it here. I'll wait. Do you have a little more perspective now? Good. Would you believe that Christine left out a crucial aspect of how spoons work? She touched on it, but didn't go into it. See, I can start off the day with 20 spoons, and then in the middle of the day when I've already used 8 spoons get a wave of pain or a massive mood swing that knocks off 10. Basically what happens then is that either I "borrow against tomorrow's spoons," as she put it, and guarantee that I'll be nonfunctional the next day, or more likely I ask my husband to help me out because there is no way I'm up to making dinner. Also, in addition to every little item on the day's agenda being broken down into multiple spoon-stealing pieces, some tasks may cost more than one spoon. For example, driving to class or work might be one spoon, but spending a day actually in class or at work is more like 5 spoons.

Christine talks about starting off with 12 spoons and making them last through the day, using a somewhat simplified explanation of how every tiny aspect of every task costs a spoon. Personally, due to the need to break everything down and the reasons I described above, I'd be happy if I could manage self-care on a day when I woke up with just 12 spoons, never mind do anything that you'd consider an accomplishment or even just a routine part of normal life. Imagine a day like that, where you wake up with so few spoons that the most you can expect of yourself is to put food in your stomach a few times and maybe change PJs, and that's assuming that the pain doesn't knock you out even worse than it already has. Now imagine an even worse day, one where you're so depressed that all you can do is curl up in bed and cry, or you're paralyzed by anxiety, or you're in such physical agony that you can barely move. What would you do on a day like that? Ask a loved one to come take care of you? Suffer through it with nothing but a water bottle and the tortilla chips you found in that brief moment when you managed to pull it together enough to go foraging? Now imagine having days like that on a regular basis for weeks, months, or even years. Getting the picture?

It's not just the pain itself; it's the emotions that accompany it. If you're male, you've probably been socialized to be a provider for your family and to be stoic about your physical and emotional pain, correct? If you're female, you've probably been socialized that you're supposed to take care of everyone around you, and though you're allowed to be emotional, you're also supposed to be able to move on after a good cry, right? Well, now you can't fulfill either of those gender roles. You're knocked flat, and until your doctors figure out how to cure you or at least get your symptoms under control, you will continue to be out of commission for the foreseeable future. Good luck being stoic about your pain or quickly moving on from it. If you weren't already depressed, you probably will become so now. Think about it: unrelenting pain and debilitation, inability to function as a normal member of society, needing someone or a rotating group of someones to take care of you...for your average fiercely independent adult, this is an incredibly painful prospect in and of itself.

You'll notice that in addition to pointing out how pain can depress you on its own, I've been treating physical and emotional pain as equal in terms of the definition of chronic pain. That's because to the sufferer, they are equally debilitating and feel equally horrible, even if they affect functioning in different ways. If I'm in constant physical pain then my body's run off with my mind, and no matter what my brain wants to take on, if my body isn't up for it then it's not going to happen. If my mood's gone haywire then my mind has basically run off with my body, and I won't have either the energy or the emotional wherewithal to face my life. Please don't brush off my depression or whatever debilitating thing is going on with my mind as me just being melodramatic and/or lazy. The thought of trying to face life is genuinely exhausting and overwhelming; I just can't do it. The thoughts in my head and my screwed up mental biochemistry won't let me.

Similarly, don't write off my complaints of constant physical pain as malingering or melodramatic. It really does hurt too much for me to function, and it really is a constant thing. If I say I can't do something one day, I mean it. I may have a migraine so bad that my head is throbbing in time with my heartbeat and I can't see straight, or abdominal pain so bad that all I can do is double over with a hot pack and wait for it to disappear, or all-over muscle pain so bad that I can't find any comfortable position whatsoever, or all-over joint pain that makes something protest every time I move...the list goes on. Depending on my condition, I may also be completely exhausted and fog-brained.

Remember, these are things that I feel to some extent even on good days when I can more or less function. On bad days I'm completely incapacitated. I've tried to help you understand what I'm going through, but if you've never been mentally ill or in chronic physical pain, you will never quite be able to fully get where I'm coming from. So, now do you see why you really don't want to listen to me complain about the pain as much as it actually hurts?

[sunflower-petals]

So I’m going to be taking a short hiatus; probably until Simblreen. It may not last that long honestly. There are a few reasons; my mental health, physical health, my family, blah blah. But I’ll be back; I love this site and y’all way too much to stay away!. <3

if y’all want the long version, it’s below the cut. just rambling and complaining.

I literally hate being sick all the time! I see y’alls posts, and it seems like most of y’all are in the same boat as me. I have fibro and POTS (my docs think anyway; who the heck knows, they’ve just been trying to figure me out since I was 13 so it’s not like they’ve had time or anything ha).  Up until this month, I’d been dealing with it all pretty well; the migraines, the joint pain, the dizziness, racing heartbeat, not being able to stay awake; yeah, my meds were working to a point and it was all alright. Then, my insurance company wouldn’t pay for my migraine meds and suddenly I can’t stay awake (I had to be put on the normal version 2 times a day from the extended release version once a day) . I literally sleep from like 5 am to 3 pm then 6 to 10 pmish. It’s crazy. Then when I’m up, I doze in a chair in my living room. So I’m just basically out of commission. 

Of course, physical issues can’t be enough; I have depression, and sleeping almost 24/7 doesn’t help. Oh yeah, we can’t forget there’s a pandemic going on! I don’t think I’ve mentioned I have a phobia of pandemic outbreaks (fun! i’m literally living my worst nightmare right now).

Sorry for all the complaining; I try to keep this blog a happy place. And it is; it’s my escape from reality honestly. Y’all are amazing. All of your happy posts, nice things going on in your lives, cute pictures of sims, little happy reminders and cc, are like a breath of fresh air. 

I have a lot of things going on in my family too right now (outside of covid); the newest being my poor little 16 year old corgi mix, Lakita Jade, has started having multiple strokes. She’s been my absolute best friend since my dad passed away 16 years ago (he picked her out), and she’s started going downhill. I suppose I should expect it because of her age but it doesn’t make it any easier. 

My state didn’t have much covid infection up until recently, now we really have it. I believe a few weeks ago we were the worst in the country, and my town now has some of the worst numbers statewide. Multiple nursing homes have had multiple deaths, and a nursing home where I have an aunt living has had a few infections reported. In my town specifically, our entire fire/EMS department was infected, and the head EMT passed away (he was a friend of my mom’s),  and he was only 58. 

The only grocery store in town’s owner refuses to wear a mask because she says it’s her right, and she won’t enforce the mandate with her employees either. We’ve had at least 3 deaths at the nursing home in town, and it makes me wonder if that could be the cause (people buy groceries -> visit the nursing home). I believe, thankfully, all nursing homes are finally shut down again. 

Meanwhile, everyone acts like we’re getting back to normal, while my mom just lost a friend and my aunt is in danger? Not to mention my aunt with terminal lung cancer is going to the hospital every week to get chemo treatments and is at risk? Oh yeah, schools opened and we’ve had multiple students and teachers test positive. I’m horrified to say the least. 

I’m so sorry if this brought anyone down; I’m just venting. I absolutely adore this site, community, and all y’all. I’ll be back soon. I just need to be able to stay awake. 

<3

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly Update #134: Hey Kids (5/15/20)

Howdy, folks! Last Friday, your boy had the chance to either spend time with his girlfriend that he hadn’t seen in a month due to a global pandemic or spend two hours writing an update on the goings-on in the Twenty One Pilots world. It really wasn’t that hard a choice. I hope ya’ll understand.

But boy if it wasn’t a rough time to sign off, because there was so, so much content to go through. So much that I won’t even be able to list it all here to my usual level of depth. But I’ll do my absolute best to sum up everything that’s gone down the last few weeks. 

Zane Lowe on Beats 1. What else is there to say? Two hours of Tyler Joseph talking to one of the most artist-focused interviewers of our time, listening to his favorite artists and going in-depth about his process. From hearing him talk about how Ben Folds’ albums taught him how “the piano returns back the energy you give it” to him showing his pretty deep knowledge the cyclical history of music, there’s a lot to satisfy a guy who gets a little sad every time that Tyler says he barely listens to new music anymore. He talks about going out on a limb with “Jumpsuit” and getting “frustrated” when picking apart Radiohead. He shares really small artists that Zane has never heard of. They watch a clip of his first ever performance. He talks about making formative memories with Death Cab as the soundtrack in the same way that we all did with Twenty One Pilots.

And speaking of new music: Tyler mentioned in this interview (as well as a few other places) that he is actively working on a record right now that will come out “sooner than we planned on releasing a record”. He elaborated that it’s probably not going to be part of the Dema story, emphasizing that our presence at live shows is too important in shaping that and that this will most likely be a sort of ‘in-between’ project. I’d love to go in-depth speculating what that project will look like... but there’s just too much. We’ll save that for a less busy week.

Zane Lowe didn’t give us the only sweet bit of Tyler content from the last few weeks. Tyler dropped into a Zoom chat with the Columbus Music Commission. Tyler’s contribution is great, but the whole 1.5 hour conversation is really worth listening to, as managers Chris Woltman and Brad Gibson have a lot of great stories to share about how they got the band started in the early days, and exec Peter Ganbarg gives great insight into how they got involved. Tyler himself acknowledges that the band doesn’t happen without these men. Really, really fascinating stuff.

One of the most special bits of Tyler content was even more direct: a Q&A he participated in with Mark on Discord Clique. This was Tyler at his most relaxed and honest: sarcastic, funny, hilarious, and genuinely kind. He teased us that we haven’t found everything about Dema yet, and talked about projects like the original “Migraine” video that never saw the light of day. Perhaps most significantly, he finally talks about just what exactly the religion of Vialism is: a worship of self-glorifying suicide. Tyler talks about how “Neon Gravestones” was the only song he received real push-back from the label on because of the content.

There have been more than a few other interviews with the band over the last two weeks. There’s not really much in them that’s new, but there are some good details about diaper changing, and it’s always nice to hear Josh’s voice. This one with Josh is really very good because the interviewer has a mutual friend and goes out of his way “to avoid monotonous questions”- we get info about how he built his first home studio, how he takes care of his body, and- most importantly- what his favorite pizza crust size is. He even calls back when the call drops- what a sweetheart. Over with ol’ pal Stryker, Tyler talks about Rosie’s disinterest in his talent and ranks his own songs.

The chart trajectory of “Level of Concern” has been a little interesting. On the one hand, it reached Alternative #1 faster than any song since “Jumpsuit”. That said, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to become a massive hit, as it’s been falling down the Hot 100 pretty steadily and tons of Covid-related songs from more mainstream artists have been steadily streaming out. But that’s ok- as I’ve said countless times since the release of Trench and will continue to say until the sun burns out, they made their money, now they making their art.

Besides, Trench went Platinum this week, and Blurryface has been on the Billboard 200 for five years. Just saying- they’ll be fine.

Tyler and Jenna have continued to be pretty open about their time at home with Rosie. After sharing a picture of his latest hairstyle, Tyler went nuts on Instagram and recreated old Vines. Josh is in the filmmaking mood too, as he’s been trying to launch his TikTok career with videos about apple cutters or something.

Whew. I know that’s not even close to everything. I know that Tyler’s dad’s been giving a bunch of interviews to Pop Song Professor about old music, and I haven’t even had time to watch them. I know there’s details and morsels from all of those interviews I’ve yet to pick out. Listen, homies, I’ve got papers to write and grade. I’ve given y’all plenty to chew on... until next week.

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[dredshirtroberts]

pain rambling under the cut

i don’t complain about my pain a lot. You’ll see a few rants on here from time to time about how i hate everything because it all hurts all the time and then i go quiet and i don’t say anything and it’s almost like it doesn’t exist.

and that’s not...inaccurate? to my lived experience with being in pain constantly. I’m almost twenty nine. i’ve been in pain since...fuck it I actually don’t really remember when I started hurting. I just know that it’s been getting worse and worse and worse as time goes on. The flares are more intense, the injuries happen more frequently, it takes me out for longer times each time it happens, and the background low-level of it lingers in a way it didn’t used to. Or maybe it’s just because it’s more than it was. I don’t know.

But on good days it’s negligible. I can work through it. i don’t notice it so much. It’s uncomfortable and still there but the OTC pain meds cover most of it and what doesn’t get relieved by those I can just ignore. And I do have more good days than bad for the most part. I just...

I’m so tired. I’m tired of hurting all the time. And I’m tired of feeling like I can’t say anything about it.

Friday was really bad but I did a full 8 hours at my job. But it was torture and I am paying for it still. I had to stop for a good few minutes and hide in the dish pit to try and get some relief, or at least not be seen by customers while I suffered. There were coworkers able to see me though and it...I don’t like being seen in pain, or uncomfortable. But there’s not really anywhere to hide in the store because the back is so small. So I just...was seen. In pain. I got asked if I was okay and I wasn’t but there’s not anything I can do about it and everyone else has injuries and pain and discomfort too so my complaining wouldn’t be worth anything. So I just...said it was fine.

I got asked again and I just was like...

I told her how I just live in a constant state of low level pain and honestly nothing really helps it. Good days OTC meds almost do, but it’s never all the way and on bad days it’s nothing at all. I haven’t tried anything stronger because I can’t. I explained it’s been like this, at this level or at least closer to this level, since I was like sixteen. it’s been...it’s been like thirteen years of being in pain, and no one...

no one fucking cares. Or...or they didn’t and so I just learned to live like this and it sucks. It sucks so much and I can’t go to the doctor: one, because I can’t fucking afford to go to the doctor even with health insurance and two, because when i’ve brought up my pain to the doctors before it was “you’re getting older this is going to be a thing” and “you’re overweight - you lose weight you’ll feel better” and I just

I refuse to go to a professional and be diagnosed with Old and Fat when I’ve felt like this since i was Young and Skinny (especially since i’m losing weight now and it’s getting worse) but I didn’t go to a doctor back then because my family doesn’t do doctors unless you’re actively dying. And even then it is treated like a hassle and the doctors’ opinions are regarded with Great Suspicion and I just...

Maybe I understand why now. I just.

I can’t...I don’t know why I have to live like this. Why my body won’t...won’t just work and not have to give me background levels of pain that if I ignore too long without rest will put me out of commission with something else to *make* me sit the fuck down (usually a migraine but sometimes I just am sick for a while because nothing else makes me stop. Because I can’t because it’s not worth the effort of trying to explain what’s happening when I don’t have an explanation).

I...even on good days sitting hurts, standing hurts, laying down hurts. Moving hurts and being still hurts. It hurt when I was exercising regularly and it hurt when I stopped doing any physical activity at all. It hurt at my desk job and it hurts at my Definitely Not A Desk Job. I wasn’t exactly being hyperbolic or just quoting Princess Bride when I said in my last pain-related post (yesterday) that Life is Pain. Because for me? it is. And it has been. And it won’t ever not be.

And...and that sucks. A lot. And I wish people could see that I’m in pain but they can’t so I just have to hide it when it’s okay and fight through it when it’s not and that’s just going to be how it is until something visible gives out or I die and I 

sorry

i’d take it back, delete it and rewrite it but the problem is that it’s true. I’m...I’m pretty sure this is just what the rest of my life is going to look like and it sucks.

Worst part? about all of this? is that my brain constantly tells me it’s not worth complaining about even in a kvetching sort of way because my coworkers, friends, relatives, just other people in general, will always have it worse than me and so it’ll just be brushed off like it was for so many fucking years and I...I’m not...I can’t...I’m convinced I don’t deserve to be vocal about how much everything hurts all the time because other people have it worse (and will tell me as soon as I bring it up and it’s never a solidarity thing it’s almost always a competition thing and I won’t compete. I will not argue that my pain is worth complaining about because I don’t...always think that it is. Until it’s bad and then It’s already so ingrained in me not to say anything or do anything except just push through that...). 

I just wish it didn’t hurt so much all the time. That I...that I got a break that wasn’t just “oh it’s less” but instead was an “oh it’s gone.” I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t in pain constantly, worse with the weather, with the alignment of the stars with the continued forward press of time as I keep surviving day in and day out and over and over and over and it’s no fucking wonder I wanted for so many years to just stop living because the thought of this continuing on for another one, five, ten, fifty years is horrifying but I know it’s what I’m looking at, future-wise and I can’t...

I’ll be okay. I will. This most recent flare and injury will heal and diminish and I will go back to being quiet about it and content that it’s not worse right then, and I will survive and keep pushing but...it’s just hard sometimes. it’s so hard. And i just...i wish I could make it stop. Just for a bit. Just for a day. 

in the meantime i’ll...continue avoiding asking doctors about it and keep ruining my stomach lining and liver and kidneys with OTC pain meds in higher-than-recommended doses to stave off the worst of it. It’ll....it’ll be fine. It always is.

[bigskydreaming]

Thank you again and still for all the help and support! I really truly can not imagine making it through the past couple days without it, considering I spent most of it awake and in the bathroom puking from the constant migraines that come with your head not being happy about its bones not being in the right place. Stress aggravates them, or at least my awareness of them, and because of how little work there is currently and how expensive being broke and disabled in LA is, let’s just say, there’s been stress, lol.

I’m feeling a bit better today, or at least I’m making myself pretend that and act like that since I’ve got another appointment at that clinic where I get my juicy and tasty IV bags of nutrients pumped into me since I barely even CAN eat, physically, which combined with the lack of sleep and the nausea, like, also not a great combination.

So, I mean it when I say your donations and support have absolutely been invaluable, everything from a couple dollars to an anonymous message, like, its all amazing and appreciated and invaluable. Yeah. I already said that, whoops, anyway, BUT I DIGRESS.

That’s about all of an update I have there, lol, so in other news, I should be around more today since like I said, I’m feeling a bit better and have possibly plateau-ed on this latest pain level. (My super-annoying superpower....ever since I was a kid I’ve been able to adapt to increases in pain like a pro. As in, being able to manage/function despite it. Course, I still feel it, but give me a day or two to adjust to a new norm in how much my body hates me currently, and then I can power through).

So, like I said, I should be around more today, and I’ll probably be random as hell. Like I’ve mentioned before, my blog is where I spew literally everything from inane thoughts to fandom feels, since its like.....my only social outlet these past couple years and the only way I get to interact with people who aren’t doctors. Expect no pattern in topics until I find whatever sticks and keeps me focused on it enough to serve as a distraction from, y’know, the broke body and broke bank account.

SO! Absolutely feel free to hit me up about anything and everything. ESPECIALLY if you’ve made a donation or sent me something. Like, I know some people who have sent money don’t even follow me or know me at all and are just generous spirits who saw my post somewhere, but for any of you who have sent any kind of support just cuz you like, like me and my rambles, lol, totally feel free to drop into my messages even on anon and say what kind of posts or content from me you really engage with and would love to see more of. I can’t make any promises or guarantees, unfortunately, given I didn’t expect or plan on crashing so hard these last couple days, bleh, and just....literally, like, writing more of the kind of stuff or posts people who have helped me stay alive is pretty much the only way I have of kinda giving at least something back, so I mean, I am happy to pounce on anything in that direction. 

Again, just can’t make any guarantees given how unpredictable my life is and depending on how many people send requests or prompts or messages, etc, but I don’t delete anything of that nature and I usually get back around to stuff EVENTUALLY. For instance, I’m REALLY hoping to finish up two one-shots today, one that’s focused on Duke, Dick and Cass from that prompt you sent me a couple weeks ago, @zee-gee, and the other uh.....that umm, TW/X-Men fusion you commissioned way longer ago than my pride will allow me to admit in public @camelotpark, lol. And like, those posts you see me making to @russianspacegeckosexparty about the changelings project I talk about a lot, like.....Adam basically just sends me random thoughts and prompts about it all the time, and its like a running thread that’s easy for me to pick back up and sink into whenever I see a new one in my inbox and I’ve got enough spoons at the moment to dig in.

Also have a couple other things I want to respond to today while I have the energy and a destined-to-be-longer-than-it-needs-to-be meta about Dick’s positioning in narratives with various other characters and WHY I think it so usually works out that way, and I’m aiming to keep that more like....musing-esque than rant-errific, but uh, let’s see how that actually goes, lmfao.

Anyway, that’s what I have in mind for today, aside from my going to get my IV buffet at ten and emailing and calling people from listings about rooms to rent, but tbh, I might just end up being even more random and sporadic than usual, if I can’t focus on any of those long enough to stay sufficiently distracted today. (Like, my other annoying superpower as long-time followers have heard before, is my ridiculously fast metabolism. I know, “oh no, I’m so skinny, poor me,” but like....its never been about weight gain or loss for me, its about how fast my body processes various medications, meaning pretty much every painkiller I’ve ever tried is largely useless to me, or at most wears off in a couple hours.....whereas my ADHD meds actually provide me MORE relief from the pain than any of them. Basically, they let me actually focus on something OTHER than pain and not get interrupted/distracted by the occasional pain spike that likes to remind me its there and wants my attention......so I mean, I still feel everything that comes with my head being physically out of whack, but for the hours vyvanse is working for me, coupled with some heavy duty pain meds, I can like.....just sorta....not care about it for awhile. Like, it hasn’t gone away but its more shoved to the back of my mind at least. And all of that, I’m happy to stuff in a closet whenever I can, lol).

And that’s enough rambles for this post, I think. LOLOLOL, as if I have a quota. But yeah. Just wanted to express how much your support has meant and continues to mean, and like.....I’m still here and alive and crossing fingers that I’ll hear about an actual surgery date soon, but in the meanwhile like......I’m kinda stuck in a perpetual Limbo, one that’s largely confined to whatever is in hobbling distance from my bed of the day, and as much as donations help me physically, in remaining able to at least stay that way, just, any and all interactions on here help by keeping me engaged with the world on at least some level, and make it so I have stuff to think or talk about beyond my own situation and how I’m not a super huge fan of that.

(Okay, I shouldn’t say any and ALL interactions are appreciated, since I have my fun little runs of anon hate in my inbox, but I mean, all of the above is why they’re not really a big deal to me and never have been. Its like, dude, my own body has been trying to take me out for the past three years, and you think a few insults from an anonymous stranger are gonna do the trick? LOLOL, please. Tbh, the only real negative effect anon hate has on me is that it makes me a bit more snappish and quick to assume the worst than I’d like, when people @ me in a way that I misread as aggressive or in bad faith. I’m aware that my day-to-day temperment is a lot more irritable and open to fights than I usually like to be, as self-control is kinda a big deal to me, and my situation and stress and other shit kinda keep me constantly operating at a level best described as itchy, and none of that is an excuse for any times I read an interaction wrong and go for the throat. I just mean like.....I’m a very blunt and straight-forward person, and I do appreciate when people take a similar approach to me as it really helps keep those misreads to a minimum. Any time someone wants to engage with me in some way, I promise I am SO much easier to talk to if you just....put it out there, whatever it is. Its the games people play online (and in real life) that just frustrate the hell out of me and...yeah. Again, I’m not saying any of that as an excuse or a request for a free pass any time I fuck up an interaction or cross a line, I’m just saying, if anyone’s held back on interacting with me because they think I might snap at them or mistake it for them trying to start a fight, like......just be direct with me. Honestly, thats just....always gonna be more productive when it comes to me.)

But yeah. So that’s the current state of me and all that jazz. Again, I so appreciate everything everyone’s done to support me, not just these past couple days but over the course of these past three years as well. I notice and remember all of it, and its why even though I rant and complain and am critical about so much in society and fandoms and all that.....I really truly am a believer in the idea that there’s more good in people and the world than bad, and the bad just tends to be louder is all. It was especially loud for me the last couple days, the volume got way jacked up, but the goodwill from you guys has been more than enough to drown it out and give me some reprieve.

Alright, shutting up now. All done. The end.

[lucky-dreamfisher]

Weekly Asks #28 - Kindly Beast

Meatly and the Coffee Machine 

Well, they released spoilery merch for batdr with descriptions strongly suggesting they were intended for release after the game. Seems like they're tight on money right now. That said, batdr doesn't even need to be particularly good to bring in money, so the studio will likely survive.

I've been in the same situation as the KB employees. I've been laid off, after being lied to that my job was safe. I've experienced the terror of frantically counting my savings to make sure I have enough to continue paying for the roof over my head. The stress was so horrible, I needed medication. I couldn’t sleep for days and I suffered daily migraine attacks from anxiety.

I've seen broken hearts of my coworkers, some of whom moved countries to work at the company. I've seen people, who just had children, and were wondering how they would feed them.

Hearing about what happened at KB brings back all these bad memories. And the cold, hostile, calculated silence from Mike and the Meatly, the complete lack of remorse and concern for the lives they have ruined, blackmailing employees to not reveal the details of their misdeeds, taking advantage of loopholes in the law to avoid paying them higher severance, and on top of it all banning my friends on the official forums for daring to speak about the events - it all leaves a bad aftertaste in my mouth that severely impacts my ability to find enjoyment in creating theories and fanart for their games. For a long time I debated whether I should just purge my blog of all Bendy and SB content, and move on to theories about other video games, from companies that aren’t as greedy, corrupted, and just plain hypocritical (creating a game calling out Disney for poor treatment of employees, only to then turn around and do the same and worse themselves is peak hypocrisy). 

I eventually decided to continue posting KB content, but my heart isn’t really in it anymore, and I guess it shows. Just because I like Joey Drew as a fictional character, doesn’t mean I’m going to support Joey Drews in real life. And even though I won’t boycott the Kindly Beast, I refuse to be silent about the injustices that the company has yet to atone for. Forgiveness cannot come before remorse.

If that’s an issue for you, there are other blogs you can read instead. At the end of the day, I am not an entertainer paid to create posts for other people. This is my personal blog, where I post things that I personally feel like posting.

Thank you very much for these kind words! No worries, although it's annoying to have things changed or made up on the spot, I've been in WoW fandom for almost 15 years. WoW lore gets shamelessly retconned on a daily basis, I'm kinda used to that by now.

Turns out the part with changing the girl's identity wasn't the case. And even if some details get retconned (I'm 100% certain that Joey Drew not being Bendy was a retcon) that still doesn't mean there is no room for speculation.

Some of the ways you can show your support for the ex-employees:

Reblog their tweets

Some of them have open commissions. Get a commission from them or recommend them to someone you know who might be interested in commissioning them.

Support unions. Their job is to prevent such things from happening.

Support games from studios, which don't do such things.

Don't be a bootlicker. Don't pretend that this never happened. Don't make excuses for Mike and Meatly. Don't walk on eggshells, afraid of offending them, because you're hoping they'll lower themselves to say "hello" to you someday. And, most importantly, don't forget. The reason they refuse to apologize or acknowledge what happened is because they're hoping we will forget. Don't prove them right.

I wholeheartedly agree with everything you just said. Harassment is never an answer. Still, I hope he will use this time away from social media to do some serious soul-searching.

Yup.

[alegotic-twelve]

You don't need to read this post if you don't want to ... I just need to do a little venting, I've been under a lot of stress

I live in Mexico, since August 28, 2019, but things have not been easy, I was living with a family member, who was only a swindler, he took money from us and during the time I lived with him I had to work in stores horrible, where they did not pay me more than 30 dollars a week, I suffered harassment at work, and I was exploited, then we ended up in an immigrant shelter when we ran out of money and our relatives threw us out, there I thank ACNUR for He gave us a lot of support in everything, even monetary, with his help for the middle of November we were able to rent a small room, a room that ... I was not paying, what the aid organization gave us was what we paid the rent, We ate a little with the passive income that kept earning commissions. We were lucky to have a very kind and charitable renter, who took care of us until we left the capital on February 2, 2020, again, the organization helped us with the trip, I was promised a job in the capital of Guadalajara , but a month later, the company fell after the owner began to make poor corporate decisions, and they could not and did not want to hire me. on top, the Codvi19 quarantine only caused more problems and the income was even lower, and without my mother cooperating and I earning at most 50 dollars a month (even a month without being able to collect anything) there was a lot of stress on my shoulders I can't be able to force my mother to look for a job, my family exploited her labor since I was 14 years old, without a salary and ruining any opportunity for entrepreneurship, I feel like a monster every time I ask her to look for a job. ..

right now I can only remember a good time where I was earning very well, even in a matter of a week I could buy my new tablet, that time, I remember having two friends who now ... I remember that terrible bitterness One, older than the other, was a girl who ... in simple words, kept me in a toxic relationship Can you imagine someone with whom they argue up to 6 times a week, someone who cries and victimizes themselves with the simple idea that you are going out to see other friends, who gets mad because you have other friends, who does All a montage so that you do not have a little recognition, that manipulates you to leave your partner and even psychologically manipulates you to become a lesbian and be your partner? I imagine that maybe, we have all gone through an experience with someone toxic, I was not the exception, it was very difficult for me to realize what I was in ... At that time, I wanted to have that other friend but ... it turned out i was alone Before I realized the horrible person I was with, this other friend that I had, appreciated her a lot, made me improve my art and she and I did great things together, you think that maybe she is the good one in history but. .. in my stories they are all bad, I am not the exception Suddenly one day I wanted to do something on my own, and I don't know why, perhaps because of someone else's belief, due to delusions of greatness, I don't know ... I was accused of copying her character My decisions at that time were pure bitterness, created by the first friend, who kept whispering in my ear that I didn't need anyone but her, when I realized what I did, it was late, but I wanted to fix everything, I wanted apologize and seek help, feel that I really had not made mistakes in choosing friends but ... but I was wrong She treated me so coldly, even if I explained everything, all the friends I had stayed away from me because she did it, nobody turned to see me, despite the terrible situation I was in, despite the fact that I was willing to please her and make her happy ... I lost everything, just because she turned her back on me my status, my followers, my economic stability, my friends, everything it felt so unfair, I felt so frustrated that I said things that I shouldn't have, that I regret ... I understood that apologizing doesn't fix anything and I learned it over time, I wanted then, months later to talk to her again, not to seek her friendship, I wanted to just ... end the year well, feel that there were no resentments but again I was only wrong once more I remember that I apologized again, that I was not looking for friendship, I just wanted us to talk, to clarify everything and to allow myself to be a fan of yours once again ... and even that was denied me, maybe I would not have cared, and I would have accepted it but ... I remember a phrase that said to me, with such clarity, that I feel it burn my insides and give me migraine"I sacrificed a lot this year ..."Even remembering that, I feel my blood boil with anger ... that girl has absolutely no need in her life, she lives comfortably, in a house, with a loving family, full of everything she wants, including well-paid art classes , 3 meals a day, without losing anything, and even paid university And I'm not saying this just because if ... I knew her well, knew about her life, what she lived, and those words made me understand that this girl was not willing to put herself in the shoes of others, that girl who proclaims be very moral, very politically correct, who shouts to the four winds that he would give everything for the less fortunate ... I rub in the face that his life was more difficult than mine ... after leaving venezuela, after living horrible famines, living a month without light, distressed in the dark, after praying to the god and crying that please you did not want to die in that country, that you wanted to know the world and fulfill your dreams after all that she came to tell me that ...I do not know what is hers now, I really do not care, but I will never forgive those words, and I hope that someday, I will learn to see through the eyes of others, I am aware that my situation is not the worst, but if she could not be able to see in my small problems, how will I be able to have empathy for people who have a worse time? no, she will not she and all the people who crawl where she walks have no idea what it is to respect the pain of others, I am not perfect, but I know that they are less than good people, that they could never have empathy or be able to do good actions , Because the fact that they commit the commissions of others or the donations of a child with cancer does not make them better, they are only hypocrites who seek the acceptance of others to feel good about themselves

[xxmisty]

URGENT HELP NEEDED: DISABLED TRANS ARTIST IN DIRE NEED OF MONEY FOR FOOD, MEDICATION AND BILLS 

I WILL DRAW ANYTHING FOR YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR A DONATION

I know money is short everywhere and there’s no pressure at all but if you can spare even a little there is *no such thing as a too-small donation* - you’d be surprised the difference a pound or a dollar or a euro make, they really do all count.

I have severe endometriosis, ME/CFS, fibromyalgia, narcolepsy, blackouts, migraines, recurrent meningitis, asthma, eczema and other assorted auto immune diseases. I live with anxiety and ptsd, I am a survivor of abuse and I’m a trans guy. I’ve been unable to afford testosterone for over two years and my endometriosis has reached an unbearable stage. I have endo in my bladder (which is like having the most severe bladder infection of your life, except it just goes on forever and antibiotics can’t help) and on my lung (which has caused a form of partial lung collapse called a catamenial pneumothorax on several occasions) as well as the usual fun, fun places.

I carried on working all the way up until two years ago when my health got to a point where i had to stop. I’ve tried for the past year to make a living online in any way I possibly could, i’ve plugged away at my art, applied for every remote job I could find but i’ve been unable to find work. I need to support myself and my lovely partner who cares for me and has very literally kept me alive on more than one occasion.

I have zero money coming in and need enough to pay for the phone/internet bill (without internet I can’t find any form of work since i’m housebound (boatbound? :P) at the moment), the insurance and crt licence in a few weeks and more immediately food and medical supplies. I take around 9-12 different medications daily as well as needing a variety of creams and ointments, heat and cold therapy, mobilisation aids and other devices.

I’m at the point where I can’t afford to be too proud to ask and beg for money to get through the next couple of months as I keep on plugging away at building up my business. If you can spare anything, anything at all, please consider helping us out, and in return i’ll draw you whatever you like. As you can see my favourite style is more realistic but I can adapt to whatever style you prefer. The bigger donation, the more art you’ll get for your buck!!

Fan art is ok!

Portraits of you, your friends or your family are ok!

Portraits of your pets are ok!

OCs are ok! (Description needed, If you have a visual reference even better!)

Icons, avatars or thumbnails for videos and social media are ok!

Fursonas, kin and alters are ok!

NSFW is ok!

Shippy art is ok!

Not knowing what you want and getting back to me in a day/week/month etc is ok!

PLEASE SHARE AND REBLOG IF YOU CAN, THAT WOULD HELP SO MUCH!!!

http://ko-fi.com/xxmisty

http://PayPal.me/johnmist

http://patreon.com/xxmisty

Or send me an ask to enquire about specific commissions

Thank you for your time and understanding, and all of your help - you are amazing <3