#I’ve been having art block on top of being busy with my job family etc.

[dingledraw]

Smitten

[missanthropicprinciple]

Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

It’s been a busy six months. If you don’t care to know why, please feel free to scroll past cause below the cut is a boring vent post about my domestic machinations and spiritual ablutions.

March threw us all into a tailspin. I lost two of my three jobs, spent two months wondering what was going to happen to me, working remotely for an abusive boss at my mom’s house because she has wifi and I can’t afford it at my place. Eventually, I was able to get unemployment. I’ve been probing into jobs but honestly, between CPTSD, finishing my masters thesis, ongoing family abuse, grief, endless household chores, deep cleaning, running errands, driving, gardening, and general lawn care, (aside from there being little work available) searching for a job has been buried. All my plans after graduation, all my parents’ plans have been destroyed. My father’s retirement plans of doing voice work and continuing woodwork on a small scale are gone. My parents had plans for the house and now my mother and I continue those plans without him. One less pair of hands but more importantly one less heart. Here’s a list of what I’ve been doing and what my mother and I have been working on: 

mowing the lawn (I did this every other week from June to the end of August. It was a lot of work but we couldn’t afford to have it done.) 

trimmed back buckthorn and trees

my mom hired our usual guy to deep rake and spray for weeds because the entire lawn was covered in creeping Charlie (this took three sprays, some of which killed off some flowers I was growing) 

an independent workman came around to help with various odd jobs: blocking up a window (where mice might have gotten in), sealing up some concrete, chopping wood, repairing the deck, repairing the screen door, soldering off the broken sprinkler system pipe, insulating the crawlspace, etc. 

my mom made phone call after phone call, getting estimates and budgeting all of this with just her social security 

deep cleaning (several years of dust have built up), cleaned out my shower which was in a terrible state, vacuumed the floors, we steam cleaned several floors multiple times

I tended to plants, grew tomatoes and basil, and propagated purple heart

we weeded through the family book collection (couldn’t get to Goodwill until mid-summer because of covid)

bought two bookshelves but we can’t fill them with the last books until we get a painter in

I transplanted all the irises, added some more seeds to the dianthus patch, raked underneath all the pine trees, etc

I cleaned out a huge part of my own old room, bought two file boxes and put away most of my university files

I recycled boxes and threw away junk upstairs, I cleaned out most of the office, brought encyclopedias upstairs, put my old children’s books on shelves, cleared off the top of my art dresser etc. 

We’re now just waiting to have the piano moved into the next room, the deck to be power-washed and finished, and the front room to be painted. All of this has come to fruition like a plastic number slide puzzle, constantly shifting until the pieces are in order. 

In addition to all of this, I’ve been trying to work on driving as much as possible, fix up my apartment, and find some sort of inner peace and healing. Healing in a harmful environment is virtually impossible but logistical and financial limitations have made it even more challenging. Other than yard work I have been spending a lot of time outside. I’ve been meditating, working with tarot cards, and reading CPTSD self help books and workbooks. Cleansing one’s life can be difficult, exhausting, tedious, and even expensive. I’ve been generally trying to tackle anything that comes my way and trying not to lose focus. The more detailed Marie Kondo style work will be something to deal with in the winter. 

Speaking of winter, I’m not looking forward to it. I do look forward to being cozy in my apartment, sitting at my new kitchen table and working on all my writing, but the fate of the world is up in the air right now and the impending cold isn’t making that prospect any easier to face. 

[thestaffofgrayson]

1-100 for the unusual asks, you meme lord

Mmmmkay so I cant help being sassy but also wanna give a real answer so we gonna do this -> Anything in parenthesis is a real answer everything else is sass central station

1) Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?  Im a dank soundcloud rapper check out my soundcloud at nobodycares540.soundcloud.fuck (I dont really use any of em tbh)

2) is your room messy or clean? *glances over* clean (m e s s y)

3) what color are your eyes? All 16 of em are different colors actually (blue)

4) do you like your name? why? No because its not Jojo (Yes!!! Love the name Perrin gonna be honest)

5) what is your relationship status? *sets status to its complicated* you could say im a bit of a player (deathly single)

6) describe your personality in 3 words or less? Im sorry who? (Described meme lord)

7) what color hair do you have? Minecraft Steve Brown (Ver Ver Pink)

8) what kind of car do you drive? color? No I run like sonic next question (nope fuck driving fuck boulder)

9) where do you shop? Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh (For what Next question)

10) how would you describe your style? Goku Black cosplay (Goku Black cosplay)

11) favorite social media account? The one with the Z U C C (Tumblr fuck snapchat)

12) what size bed do you have?  Uuuummmmmmm my size OBVIOUSLY next questions (Dont know tbh queen maybe?)

13) any siblings? Little shit brother (thats not even a joke)

14) if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?  Why this world fuck you what about mars (uuuuhhhhhh no idea gonna be honest)

15) favorite snapchat filter? Oh man! Love this one altho its not well known what ya gotta do is hit the delete button and when it asks if youre sure say yes :D (they change so often I dont pay attention)

16) favorite makeup brand(s)? Whatever it is Genji uses as eyeliner (dooont wear makeup)

17) how many times a week do you shower? I get clean by rolling around in the snow so maybe like 3 times a year (depends usually once a day with exceptions)

18) favorite tv show? I dont watch tv I AM the tv (The Office or if its Anime then Jojos Bizarre Adventure)

19) shoe size? M Y   S I Z E (size 10)

20) how tall are you?  hOWs ThE wEaTHEr dOwnTHeRe (5′9 - 5′11 somewhere in there)

21) sandals or sneakers? Gadget Shoes (legit those are cool but sneakers)

22) do you go to the gym? I think theeessseeee muscles speak for themselves (nope but I do martial arts)

23) describe your dream date  Killing all mortals and achieving a state beyond that of a god (iiiii dont know I dont really see myself going on a date)

24) how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Why do YOU wanna know (no really why tho)

25) what color socks are you wearing? Well I’m at home on the sofa playing sonic the hedgehog and typing up responses to an ask on tumblr that about 5 people are gonna see. That being said, Dragon Ball orange. (not wearing em but I have a fuzzy pair of polar bear socks my friend Ana sent me that I love!)

26) how many pillows do you sleep with? Wait what do you mean not everyone sleeps with 25 pillows are they mad? (One for my head, one on each side, smol pillow, pillow pet)

27) do you have a job? what do you do? I am assistant regional manager at a paper supply company named Dunder Mifflin. (Not currently but I’m gonna apply to Gamestop and Costco here soon)

28) how many friends do you have? Toooooooooooooo many I hate mortals (honestly I’m too lazy to try and count rn)

29) whats the worst thing you have ever done? Well I haven’t seen Mulan don’t call the cops (Iiiiiiii’m not sure I guess cheated on my Chinese final freshman year but hey I needed to pass that)

30) whats your favorite candle scent? V o i d  (I dont use candles that much and I shooouuulld)

31) 3 favorite boy names Jo[seph] Jo[estar], Jo[taro Ku]jo, Jo[nathan] Jo[estar]  (uuuuhhhh I like my name so it would be Perrin, Joji, Donovan)

32) 3 favorite girl names Jolyne Kujo there is no 2 and 3 (Jolyne yes I know but I actually really like the name, Perrin is also a girls name so, Milly)

33) favorite actor? Shrek from Shrek the musical (Robert Downey Jr and Chris pratt)

34) favorite actress? Taylor after she sasses me and acts like nothing happened (Millie Bobby Brown)

35) who is your celebrity crush? McCree (Matt Mercer)

36) favorite movie? UM IS THIS A QUESTION LIKE??? OBVIOUSLY THE SHREK AND BEE MOVIE CROSS OVER SHREK B: HONEY AND SWAMPS (I LOVED Black Panther and Thor Ragnarok but Secret Life of Walter Mitty’s stuck with me for a loooong time)

37) do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I don’t read cuz I’m not a NERD (I mean actual books I don’t ask me about it another time but comics I sure do I love the Marvel Civil War storyline)

38) money or brains? They say Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy me more games! Eat that SUCKERS (Honestly brains because then you can be smart which can make you a lot of money. So many more benefits)

39) do you have a nickname? what is it? Perriushium, destroyer of life and bringer of the new age (Pey given to me by my brother when he was still a baby and couldn’t say my name)

40) how many times have you been to the hospital? Enough to be immune to every disease known to man NOW IM UNSTOPABLE MWAHAHA (none for any of my own conditions or injuries but for family stuff about twice)

41) top 10 favorite songs All Star, All Star, All Star, Chum Drum Bedrum, All Star, All Star, All Star, Never gonna give you up, All Star, All Star (Bloody Stream, Sono Chi no Sadame, Flying Battery Zone, Stardust Speedway, Stand Proud, Goku Black theme, Halo theme, The Apparition, Shovel Knight main theme, Hooked on a Feeling)

42) do you take any medications daily? I take a shot of cold hard whiskey when I get up (nope I dont have anything)

43) what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) The largest organ of my body I’ll tell ya that much (I honestly dont know?? Smooth and soft I guess?)

44) what is your biggest fear? The Communists lol jk Communism is the only way (I’m not so sure on this one gonna be honest I do fear something I just cant think of it at the moment)

45) how many kids do you want? I mean I’m a 16 year old teenager in high school with no job and no relationship that being said 5 (NONE EVER NOPE 0 KIDS)

46) whats your go to hair style? Super Saiyan 3 (Idk I just kinda comb it to the left)

47) what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) All Star. Wait fuck wrong quest- (Two floor medium sized house) 

48) who is your role model?  Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh (uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh)

49) what was the last compliment you received? A like on my post we did it guys we hit one like so I’m here making this 1 like special (I was told that everytime my friend see’s my dyed hair it absolutely makes his day :D) 

50) what was the last text you sent? Yeah that’ll be $5000 for the kill nice doing business with you (Maaaannny pictures of Genji Shimada)

51) how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? WHAT SANTA ISNT REAL????!!!!!?!?!?! (It kinda faded over the years my last strands of belief were gone by 12)

52) what is your dream car? Odie’s car from Garfield Kart (The Mach 5 from speed racer there’s a street legal car look it up)

53) opinion on smoking? Jotaro does it so I do it too (PSA: Smoking doesn’t make you cool or look cool you’re just killng your lungs. I won’t try and make you stop as long as you’re aware I don’t want you smoking around me and you understand the consequences)

54) do you go to college? After that SAT I meeeaaaaannnn McDonalds might be hiring (I’m still in High School but I want to)

55) what is your dream job? To stand in a corner for 8 hours with a lamp shade over my head and make a clicking sound every so often (I would like to be able to draw, animate, design and/or play games for a living. Achievement Hunter would be a fantastic job but I doubt that’s happening)

56) would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? I wanna live in a cloud In the sky and abduct people to harvest their DNA and make clones which I can fight to the death with (eh somewhere quiet and disconnected from people tbh)

57) do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? They fetch pretty high prices on eBay you’d be surprised (Nope I dont use them at all I bring my own and take my own)

58) do you have freckles? My face is a giant freckle little known fact (not really thank god I would look real bad with em)

59) do you smile for pictures? *leans in* I’m gonna let ya in on a secret kid. I wait until the photographer is just about to take the picture and then I hold a middle finger over my face to block the proper shot. Do it enough times then they’ll be payin YOU to get the picture done (I do but I only open my mouth slightly)

60) how many pictures do you have on your phone? They’re all of people I’ve killed because they showed me a stale meme dont worry about it (960 exactly and they’re all either memes, fan-art, or my cute friends)

61) have you ever peed in the woods? Ew no I don’t go outdoors thanks (Yep once on a school field trip in which we hiked to the top of a mountain it was fun)

62) do you still watch cartoons? Well I mean SOME ONE spoiled my belief in Santa earlier so I’m a bit too old for that now. I have a boring desk job thanks LAZLO (I do spongebob is really funny to me still and I LOVE the original Teen Titans)

63) do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? McWendy’s next question (I dont eat either so)

64) Favorite dipping sauce? Drip dip dip I’m boutta rip please i want to die (I dont use dipping sauce either call me a heathen all you want)

65) what do you wear to bed? Well I take off the clothes I wore for the day, take off my earring, ring, necklace, eyes, hair, 3 layers of skin, and call it a night (Pajamas mostly and sometimes sweatpants)

66) have you ever won a spelling bee? *Obligatory Bee Movie Joke* (I’ve never even heard of a spelling bee in any of the schools I’ve been to)

67) what are your hobbies? Well I like to kill all mortals #ZamasuWasRight  (I enjoy martial arts, drawing, video games, game design, and walking around my house with nothing to do)

68) can you draw? UH BOI YOU DONT KNOW WHAT ART IS UNTIL YOUVE SEEN A SHITTY JOJO DRAWING OF MINE (I mean yeah but not well)

69) do you play an instrument? Electric Triangle (Actually, I play the Violin but not super well)

70) what was the last concert you saw? SORRY WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THE CONCERT (I’ve never been to one that seems like the opposite of fun for me personally I hate hyper loud music, people, and crowds)

71) tea or coffee? Coftea next question (tea. I don’t drink caffeine if i can help it)

72) Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? I need my sugar sonic rings (Again, Don’t drink caffeine)

73) do you want to get married? I’m already getting married. MARRIED TO THE LIFE OF CRIME THAT IS UP TOP (I mean I would like to one day)

74) what is your crush’s first and last initial? My  Self (I don’t have anyone I’m crushing on)

75) are you going to change your last name when you get married? What’s crimes last name? Smigglesworth? (If my partners last name is something with an S cuz then I can be PJS)

76) what color looks best on you? You know the color mario turns when he uses the super star? T-that (Pink and Black)

77) do you miss anyone right now? PPFFFFFT NOOOOO WHATS A FEEL *CRIES* THOSE ARENT TEARS ITS JUST SWEAT IVE ANSWERED A LOT OF QUESTIONS OKAY (I miss all my internet friends :(  *cries*)

78) do you sleep with your door open or closed? It is neither open nor closed it is in a hyper dimensional state between open and closed in which no mortal can enter or exit but also cannot be blocked from passage (clooossed because otherwise the cats are gonna kill my fish)

79) do you believe in ghosts? I mean how else would I make a long and successful career as a ghost buster (I do!)

80) what is your biggest pet peeve? My pet, Peeve! Biggest one I know! (depends on for what tbh the other day a guest speaker was talking to the class and this kid was playing music in his headphones really really loud and it pissed me off)

81) last person you called? Called what? Called them a nerd? A good bean? A meme? MAKE MORE SENSE YOU ******* **** *** ******** (Well according to my phone, the name listed is “Mom”)

82) favorite ice cream flavor? I’ll ice your cream if you’re not careful (Vanilla with chocolate syrup mixed together is hella everyone GO TRY IT)

83) regular oreos or golden oreos? The fuck is a golden oreo?? (No seriously, what the actual is a golden oreo)

84) chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? *mario invincible star song plays as I flash color and dash down rainbow road* I’ll have to think about it (rainboooowww!)

85) what shirt are you wearing? Well I…. You see… The thing is…. excuse me for one second (yeah I can’t think of sass to this one but my favorite shirt! Sonic mania that my friend Tasha bought for me and I love it!!!)

86) what is your phone background?  RYUJIN NO KEN WO KURAE!! “What do you think of this color? Is it not beautiful?” If you dont know those HOW DARE YOU LEARN THEM AND WE ARE WATCHING DRAGON BALL (Genji lock screen and Goku Black home screen)

87) are you outgoing or shy? Does THIS answer your question >:D (Outgoing when I want to be, but I’m antisocial so it’s like I CAN be outgoing and personable but it’s highly on my terms ya feel?)

88) do you like it when people play with your hair? My hair is a pride to my race the Saiyans hair is a sacred thing I will advise you not to touch it (YYYEEESSSS I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THAT BUT THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS)

89) do you like your neighbors?  …..the what? Never heard of it before is that a type of appliance? (I mean they’re chill we don’t interact a lot which I’m cool with)

90) do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? Nothin can cure this ugly face fest of spring 2018 (I use face wash when I shower which is typically right after school not sure why it matters but there ya go :V)

91) have you ever been high? “I’m high on LIFE maaaannn” -Incorrect Shaggy quotes (N o p e  never have don’t plan on it)

92) have you ever been drunk? shots ShotS SHOTS SHOTSSHOTSHOTS (nope but I will one day maybe in College years)

93) last thing you ate? The shattering realization that my friends will keep saying OWO to me every chance they get (Pancakes! asked for french toast but I loooove the breakfast food so no complaints)

94) favorite lyrics right now someBODY Once Told Me The World Is Gonna Roll Me… (The lyrics to Bloody Stream dude it’s a  g r e a t  op)

95) summer or winter? Sorry I’m on Mars weather its ZXAR right now (eeehhhh winter cuz then I have an excuse to be inside and it’s also the ski season)

96) day or night? I am the darkness. I am the night. I am BATMAN (Night honestly I’m a fan of the darkness)

97) dark, milk, or white chocolate? Plllleeeeaaase its like asking if you’re heart is pure of evil or not. Dark Chocolate is a sin (Milk chocolate is the best chocolate fight me on that)

98) favorite month? See, some may argue for their birthday months, christmas, new beginnings to the year, but I say there’s only ONE spooky time :3 (Altho I’m one of the fools that’s gonna have to go with March because it usually has my favorite kind of weather for where I live)

99) what is your zodiac sign  I refuse to go by Zodiac signs until Ted Cruz is proven to be the Zodiac Kill————–”OLD MEME ALERT THIS IS THE MEME POLICE”   “I AINT GOIN BACK TO JAIL”  (Cancer! I wear a necklace of my sign all the time fun fact for ya)

100) who was the last person you cried in front of?  Me after writing all these (Don’t know actually I try not to cry in front of people ever)

[lifeoftinablog]

My mental health and where it’s at right now.

I tend to be a quiet person, who keeps things inside my head. I don’t open up well, and often times bottle up my thoughts and feelings without expressing them. If I unleash them, I typically do it very privately, usually only to myself. On occasion, I share with friends how I’m feeling. But even with friends I don’t usually share full details. It’s hard for me to open up and express myself.

But why am I like this? Why do I never open up and say how I’m feeling, or reach out to the people around me when I need to? The answer is, because I’m afraid to lose people. Because I’m afraid to drive them away. All my life, I can’t name a moment where opening up and expressing how I’m truely feeling didn’t lead to loss of a friend or a significant other. 

When it came to a significant other, I would open up and say how sad I was feeling, or try to approach a problem in the relationship with the goal of solving it and moving forward with happier interactions. Some times my previous relationships would ignore me for days or weeks on end. Some times they’d choose friends over spending any form of time with me alone in private. When those situations became upsetting, I would usually express to my partner that I wanted to be spoken to more. Or maybe instead of ALWAYS spending time with friends, I wanted a moment to spend time with just us. These are just small examples of things I encountered in previous relationships and opened up about. And when I expressed these wants, my significant others would typically ignore me again, or tell me it was my own problem. 

When I expressed again how sad I was, they’d give me an ultimatium, or just tell me they were ending the relationship immediately. My heart would shatter. My trust was broken in an instant. This became such a common occurance in my life that I started to swallow my feelings, thoughts, anything at all. I stopped telling people things. I would try to turn to friends, and those friends would either snap at me in frustration over how I was feeling and turn me away, or some of those friends eventually evolved into bullies who further destroyed my mental health and made me feel like less of a person.

I can’t tell you every situation I’ve ever been in where things went south. Because honestly, I blocked most of them from my memory. It effected the person I would become. They always say communication is important. But how do you communicate when you’re afraid due to past expierences ending terribly from doing so? It feels like life taught me that the more you express yourself the more likely you’re going to lose people. I’ve never had somebody turn to me and say, okay. It’s okay. We’re going to get through this. We will work this out. It’ll be fine. We got this.

I was alone in always thinking and trying to make that happen for me and my relationships with people. I was eventually left to just try to support myself. And when you’re in a dark place like I am, it’s hard to support yourself without the help of a friend or someone you trust.

Now take this and imagine yourself as a young girl, in her mid 20′s, who has lived a strictly scheduled, regular life. She lived with her parents for her entire life, in the same exact house, same neighborhood, same town, same state, without ever once moving. Her parents worked 5am to 4pm-5pm every single day for 20+ years, except on Monday’s and Tuesday’s. On Monday’s and Tuesday’s, her parents often didn’t stay home on their day off and usually went out to window shop from 10am till as late as 8pm. Imagine a girl who grew up without siblings in this household. The house was silent, all the time. If a tv came on, it was quiet. The tv’s were usually only on for maybe an hour or two a day, 3 at max. Her father was so obsessed with noise that he would yell and panic in the house if anyone was being too loud for his own sake. 

So everything, all the time, every moment, was quiet and had to be. Imagine not being allowed to have friends over in this household except maybe once or twice a year. Because your father was too paranoid to have strangers in the house. So when strangers did come, it was almost this anxiety inducing moment of, am I safe? Is this stranger an okay person? Am I allowed to do what I want in my house if this stranger is here? You’re almost taught to feel like strangers are a threat if your parents react in a negative way towards them.

Now also imagine having a very messy mother, who doesn’t care where things are, and has zero organization. But your father is loud, angry, irritable, and over the top OCD. He comes home every single day, and he yells and rants about how messy everything is. Wether that meant clothes on the floor, or cups on the counter, or dishes in the sink. It didn’t matter the number, but usually the messes were large. So he pushes you in pure anger to clean constantly and to stay clean. Everything has to have a place, and be taken care of, to avoid anger and even physical hitting. My father used to get so angry that he’d hit me on the head, bite his tongue and yell in my face, and demand that I take care of messes or listen to what he’s saying or he’d take away my hobbies - video games, the internet, tv, you name it.

My father was always angry. Always. And he was quiet, too. Hardly ever spoke. If you tried to talk to him, he’d try to shrug you off or get very angry and very loud and tell you to go away. Everything had to be his way or no way. He often excluded me from family trips as well, because for some reason my presence alone, my breathing, my exsistence was absolutely annoying.

So what did I do when things got to be too much? I had two real life friends who lived near me that I met in school. Each living 20 minutes or 45 minutes away by car. I’d usually take off for a day or a few days and spend time with those friends. We’d drive out to malls, to the beach, to the park, to restraunts or coffee shops. Anything to get out. Some times we hung out in their bedroom and di arts and crafts or we talked about life, etc. It was a form of escape. It was how I could breathe outside a stressful home life.

All of these situations and moments and things were HABIT and REGULARITY and STABILITY for me. It was all scheduled. I knew when things would happen. I knew what reactions to expect. Everything was planned, and handled, etc.

Imagine working a daycare job in a grocery store for 8 years. It was never busy, and it was usually pretty calm aside from the occasional stupid parent making stupid decisions. But you could be backed up by a manager or a coworker, and felt a sense of safety. No matter the situation, you were protected. And it was a solo job. You’d see your coworker for 5 minutes before your shift started, talk about the shift before yours, and say goodbye and work alone watching up to 8 kids at a time. If you had to go to the bathroom or needed something to do when there were no kids, you could go without hesitation or worry. If you needed something, you had a manager to immediately cover you. Your coworkers weren’t great people, but at least they didn’t say anything to your face to make you feel bad. It was usually in passing behind your back and it was easier to shrug it off then. And then that job closed down.

Now imagine moving across the country. No family to go to. No friends to see. You have no idea really what’s around you in the state you’re now living in. Your town is smaller, and everybody seems wealthier. You never go to the mall. You never take any trips really. You don’t have anyone to go out with to escape from the house. And your household schedules are CONSTANTLY changing. You never know when you’ll have a moment to yourself, truely. You’ll never know where people are or what they’re doing. You’ll never know what to expect from anyone who comes home or leaves. When you try to keep things clean no one else tries, because you were taught to be clean and maintain a organized enviornment but everyone else was not. And so your way of doing things, everything you grew up with and spent your entire life doing, somehow don’t apply here. But you’ve moved to this new place and have to get comfortable somehow. But you can’t. Because everything is so drastically different. You’ve spent over 20 years of your life doing the same things. But now it’s all almost completely opposite. And your job really, really sucks. The customers are awful people. The work is so difficult that you come home acheing and in pain in all your muscles and body parts from literally running, or lifting heavy things, or doing repetitive motions all day. 

Your coworkers aren’t afraid to make you feel like shit to your face. They’ll say things to you directly, or around you, and you’ll know it. And it’ll be so upsetting and initimidating and unwelcoming. And you go to higher ups and those higher ups can only help so much because they’re not always at work to protect you or run the place properly. It’s exhausting. 

And then imagine getting diagnosed with a bladder disease. You can’t stop peeing every 5 minutes. You can barely eat or enjoy food anymore. You can hardly drink water. All because you’re so terrified you’re going to be peeing constantly. And when you sit down to try to relax, or go to work for the day, there’s almost this annoying buzzy itch in your urethra where you know you can’t hold it and feel like any second you’re going to pee your pants. It’s exhausting, humiliating, and it rules your life. Because no matter what you’re doing or where you’re going, imagine you always feel like you have to pee. And that you could pee your pants without any control.

The bladder condition took away my ability to enjoy food socially. I can’t even drink alcohol anymore. I feel like I can’t go out because I’ll sit bored watching everyone else enjoy things. But i’m losing/sacrificing my abiility to go out and socialize within that itself.

Imagine being so attached to how you used to live, where you always had peace and quiet, that you’re terrified of leaving the house and coming back to a place that isn’t quiet and you can’t say anything about it. No one understands where you came from or your way of doing things. 

When you’ve lived your ENTIRE life with family, friends, and a specific way of doing things or expecting things to one year going to something completely opposite. It’s almost mind blowingly overwhelming. And you feel so alone in it. 

How do you help someone who is in a brand new place, with no family, no friends, no escape. No car, no socializing, no adventures, no mall trips, no trips in general...no ability to hardly eat or drink anything. Exhausted and emotionally destroyed from a really crappy work enviornment. 

Be there for them. Let them know, you love and support them. That everything will be okay. That you’ll help them get comfortable. Make plans with them. Take them out to do things. Help them when they come home and feel uncomfortable by having their back, by understanding where they’ve come from and what they’re not used to. Sympathize in the fact that they’re nervous, and scared of being in a new place. Having no one to go see. And no idea of how to escape or where to go that’s fun around their new space of living. Help make them feel safe. Maybe tell them what you would do to feel better in a new place. 

[maren-as-an-adult]

I Severely Underestimated the Lack of Time and Energy This Job Would Allow Me

So my plan of posting a weekly-ish update about this job severely backfired on me, because HOLY SHIT DO THEY KEEP US BUSY! This is legitimately a full-time job, we should all get a raise, but because the Man hates the Arts we probably won’t ever at all and counselors are people who do the most but get the least, goddammit. SO! The week started off where I was a scared beanpole of a girl super intimidated by all of the nearly 300 children that would be staying with us for the next 3 weeks. I had no idea how I would run my classes, I had no idea what I’d be doing for my show, I had no idea if I would make friends, and I had no idea if I’d be able to handle the six girls I’d be in charge of on my floor. 

Three weeks later, I was so emotionally compromised when they left and I realized I wouldn’t see them for another year... unless I don’t come back next year in which case I’ll probably never see them again. WHICH IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO HAVE HAPPEN!

Basically, here’s the breakdown:

CLASSES

I taught three dance classes: beginner jazz, intermediate ballet, and advanced modern. I only had four in my modern class, and I grew to love each of them so much. They were so receptive and willing to perform their best, and they all said they really admired me. Modern also was set to perform in the class showcase, and they were able to beautifully perform the choreography I gave them.... although I didn’t actually get to see their performance, the class showcase was on my day off, and on that day I went into the city for a date with The Boyfriend. That was a fun day, but back to camp for now. 

THE SHOW

The show I worked on was Stephen Sondheim’s Follies. And WOW was our director intense. We were flying through the show which was to be expected because we only had two and a half weeks to have it blocked, cued, choreographed, and memorized and even though I’m good at picking up and learning choreography, I was struggling myself to keep up. 

This was especially nerve wracking for me, as the cast would frequently come up to me and ask me for clarification on what we just learned. Because it’s not considered professional to say, “Sorry, dude, I know about as much as you do right now, so I guess you’re fucked,” I struggled to help them as best I could. 

I’d feel so useless, incompetent, and foolish when I couldn’t help them, and there were days I was definitely overwhelmed. I was also super lost on several of the group dances, because I’d been gone for a weekend up in Albany for my grandfather’s funeral which was a fucking blast there was a rainbow and everything. 

There was this one girl in my cast who was, in a bit of a word, super high-strung about everything. She wanted to be perfect in the show for all the wrong reasons (I won’t get into it much, but basically she felt she needed to be perfect to prove to other people outside of this particular production that she deserved better treatment from them) and was constantly oscillating between doubting herself (because even though she’s clearly talented, that knowledge isn’t enough when another cast member gets applause after her numbers in rehearsal and she doesn’t) and taking it upon herself to correct others and give them notes. She wasn’t a nightmare to work with, but I’m glad she’s not in the production I’m working on for Session 2 (she was one of the few stay-over kids we had who stay for two sessions instead of just one)

There were some great and memorable times during rehearsals, though. One of our leading men during dress rehearsal got a costume ring stuck on his finger and had to be taken to urgent care to get it cut off. Before that, though, I took him over to our nurses to see if we could get it off there. When lotion, an old ring cutter, an ice pack, and dental floss did not work, that’s when we put his fate into the hands of the professionals. 

There was also the time a rumor may have started that the director and I were sleeping together, which is hilarious because he and I both have boyfriends. 

THE GIRLS

So last session I was assigned a room of six girls to look after: wake them up, make sure they’re on the floor by curfew, make sure they’re in their rooms at 10:30, take away their phones for the night, and make sure their lights are out by 11pm. If they’re having problems or want to talk to someone, they should come to me. They were all between the ages of 14 and 16, which in my experience can make for some fairly catty attitudes. 

I did not realize how sad I would be when most of them left (one of my girls is a stay-over, yay!)

They all gave me huge hugs before they left, and asked if I would come back again next summer. I told them that unless Stagedoor decided not to re-hire me, there was no way I wasn’t coming back. 

They would open up to me, confide in me, and told me how much they loved me. 

I’m 99.99% certain it was all genuine and not just flattery so I’d be lenient with them. 

But I do miss them, and I hope I get to see them again. 

PRODUCTION WEEKEND

During this week, my birthday happened and I turned 24. My roommates decorated our door, I got a cake at lunch, was sung to twice, and received over a hundred “Happy Birthday” messages in various electronic form: Facebook, text, voicemail, Snapchat, etc. But the top three moments of the day were:

- A voicemail from The Boyfriend, officially being the first person to wish me a Happy Birthday

- A card from one of the director-choreographers, and head of the dance department (who has worked at Stagedoor for 25 years and everyone loves)

- A card from my family with a very generous gift cart to purchase show tickets (which I now have thanks to The Boyfriend!!!!)

But apart from that there was nothing particularly special about the day. My girls kept wishing me a Happy Birthday each time they saw me, though, so that was nice. 

One good thing about production week is you get real good at pin curling and iron curling hair. I had so many flashbacks to my high school theatre days when the crowds formed around a handful of curling irons all plugged into one communal power strip and a box of approximately 8,000 hairpins was constantly floating around. But at my high school, it was just one show with about 40 kids getting ready. Imagine almost 200 girls needing their hair pin-curled for wigs by counselors (because apparently none of them knew how to do it?) on a super strict schedule that didn’t give them much time, coupled with the fact that everyone needed to get makeup done and costumes on an hour before the shows opened. 

And on top of all this, there was some weird plague going around. Campers and counselors alike were dropping like flies and succumbing to this illness, and if it wasn’t that illness it was strep throat. The hectic and stressful environment coupled with the fact that parents were coming to visit had staff near the breaking point, and the only thing we wanted was 24 hours of quiet solitude. 

That was a little more than a pipe dream, though. 

I myself almost caught this mysterious flu-like death virus going around. Our music director for Follies caught it, and was struggling to stay alert and conscious during our dress rehearsal, our stage manager caught it and was promptly sent to bed to try and sleep it off. That night I remember a rather large headache and a weird pre-nausea feeling in my stomach, along with a general full-body ache, and I just remember thinking, “Please God don’t let me have this.” I made sure to go right to bed that night after our end-of-the-day meeting, and woke up feeling fine. I’d already gone through some pretty shitty allergy sickness at the start of the session, and I didn’t want to start and end session 1 sick. 

Thankfully, though, our music director and stage manager were back in action the next day for opening show, and the shows were flawless. I’ve never been so proud of a group before, because they did one of the most challenging things I could have imagined. 

But the day had to come where they packed up their stuff and drove home with their families. It was sad to see them go, especially after bonding so strongly with some of them. And there was no time to feel sad, really. As soon as a room was empty, counselors and cleaning staff would immediately start cleaning the rooms and prepping them for the next batch of kids to come in. 

And now they’re here. I have two rooms this session, and on night one of session two my first room (which has my stay-over girl in it) managed to break a bulb on a string of lights and get glass over the floor. My group leader had forewarned me that they could be rowdy and quite a handful, but I was hoping they’d give it a few days before breaking something. So I knew I had to do something to prevent excessive rowdiness ASAP. 

That night, after cleaning up the shards of glass/plastic, I gave them a quick speech about how busy it was for counselors: not only did we look after a room full of girls (and in my and other counselors’ cases, sometimes multiple rooms), but we also had classes to prep for and teach, and shows to either manage or choreograph. I asked them to help make the counselors’ jobs a little bit easier by being smart, conscientious, and mature. That seemed to get through to them, because thus far I haven’t had any trouble from them. 

And it’s now been a few days into session 2. I’m teaching intermediate tap, intermediate modern, and musical theatre. The class structures could not be more different for me this time. Musical theatre thus far doesn’t have a set class structure, what I’ve kind of cobbled together as a lesson plan has been: work on one piece for the showcase, and throw potential audition combinations at them to train them to pick up choreography quickly. Tap is basically a warm-up of basic moves, and then the rest of the class is spend working on moves they want to learn. Modern still holds some semblance of structure, though, but it’s my largest class and the students take up all the floor space, so it’s harder to really see everyone and make sure they’re getting the combinations I give them. 

I was super excited when I heard about the shows for this session, but the two that I really wanted to work on were choreographer shows, and didn’t require an assistant choreographer (A.C.’s only work on shows with director-choreographers). They were Evil Dead - The High School Version and Guys and Dolls. But I’m still excited about the show I’m working on: Me and My Girl. It’s kind of like My Fair Lady and Half A Sixpence. My director-choreographer is this really great lady who is super organized with everything, so with the way she has things planned and mapped out, we should have the show ready for full runs in less than two weeks. 

Today was my first day off for this session, and it was pretty amazing. I slept in, treated myself to some nice makeup, went out for pizza with my friend Anna, and got some counselor work done. Next week I get to see two of my favorite people in the world and a Broadway show (I’m seeing Kinky Boots starring Brendon Urie with The Boyfriend). I still need to figure how I’m getting to the bus station but that’s a problem for tomorrow or the next day. 

So, weekly updates won’t be a thing, but I can try to do session recaps. That’s what I’m aiming for at this point. 

And now, on to session 2!

[cynthiadshaw]

What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story.  These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead.  As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed.  Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?

Dustin McCaslin and Garry McCaslin  | Hammbone willys owner

The one big thing we’ve learned in business this year is listening to our customers and staff. It guides us in the right direction.

@hammbonewillys @Hammbonewillys Hammbonewillys.com

  Heather Harrison | Health and Wellness Coach

My journey has been forever changing and if I have learned anything along the way and the most important thing along the way it has been to cut out the negativity in your life and change your mindset on how you should be living. When you learn to replace the negative and dream really freakin big your mindset changes and takes you to places who never thought ty oh would go!

@_heatherharrison_ @MusclesMomma

Dylan M. Rafaty | Author | Entrepreneur | Public Speaker | Executive Board Member | Disability Inclusion Advocate | Connector | Navigator | Influencer

One of the many lessons learned was the ability to build or gain respect and trust within the Community I proudly serve. Another is the ability to prioritize the important things in your life and execute it well. Lastly, cherish every accomplishment and moment along your journey and share it with others.

@DylanRafaty @dylan_rafaty linkedin.com/in/dylanrafaty

Row House Stonebridge | Rowing Studio

The most important lesson I have learned in this journey is fitness isn’t just for “losing weight”. It’s for creating a healthier lifestyle to live longer and stay on top of your health. It’s for people that struggle with mental health, depression, anxiety, etc. it’s for the people who want to train for personal goals. The list goes on and on. Fitness means something different to every person you meet. It is not a one size fits all which is why we love our quote so much. This workout especially is for the every day person!

rowhouseoffers.com/stonebridge/lp/ps-30-off/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAz53vBRCpARIsAPPsz8V5OeQgqLXNT2aPxvHmqI9D-n0_kbU4IJgAr_3ye5bo3qeunGltTm4aAiBOEALw_wcB @therowhousestonebridge RowHouseStonebridge

Anisha’s Salon | full service hair and skin salon

The most important what I have learned so far is always be thankful, show your gratitude towards others. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Never stop learning and educating yourself because education never ends.

anishashairandskinsalon.com

Discovery at The Realm | Resort-Style Living in a Suburban Setting

Discovery at The Realm has been providing luxury, resort-style living in the quickly growing Grandscape/Castle Hills area since 2016. We offer high-end amenities like our fully staffed onsite clubhouse, a dog park, a yoga room and stunning lake views. But the most important lesson we have learned in our journey thus far is the importance of connection and community for our residents. Scientific evidence over the years has shown time and again that social connection is a core psychological need essential to feeling satisfied with life. We work hard at helping our residents feel connected to the community here, to other residents and to our team members. This isn’t just an apartment complex; it’s a community people look forward to coming home to, a place where they plan to meet in the club for Happy Hour and board games at the end of a long work day, or wind down on the walking trails or dog park. We have a calendar of events that makes it easy for people to connect, in addition to great physical settings that make it easy and fun to get together. Please come visit us for a tour and see what a real community feels like. We are along State Highway 121 and Windhaven Parkway, across the street from Lava Cantina and Top Golf, and just minutes from Legacy West and DFW Airport. Our apartments have gorgeous granite countertops, durable faux wood floors, double vanities in the bathrooms and over-sized closets!

discoveryattherealm.com @discoveryattherealm

Regency Johnson Hair Artists | Colorist, Handtied Extension Special & Licensed to Create

No one can dim the anointed light that shines from within.

@regencyjohnson_hairartist @regencyjohnson_hairartist

 Raven Akinleyimu | Design and Craft Connoisseur

Be Consistent, have faith, and believe in yourself. When I first started designing and crafting no one really believed I could, but I had such a joy for it so I never gave up and stayed consistent.

@MadeByRaeA

Ryan Bertolino | President and Creative Director

@martyperlman

I would have to say that being kind to others is one of the most important lessons I’ve learn along my journey to becoming a business owner. I have seen kindness go a long way in my career! It is a trait that is very memorable to a client and will turn any client into repeat business! Kindness will create a buzz around your brand and company that will spread like wildflowers in your community and industry! So be kind to others as it will pay off in the long run!

@eventmechanicsco @ryanbertolino

Dallas Family Owned Roofer – Envision Roofing Frisco Locally Owned Roofer – Envision Roofing Protecting you With Our Experience

My most important lesson learned so far is just how great our customers are! By showing them respect, patience, flexibility and delivering quality on everything we do we gain customers for life and there is no request too big, or too small that we would not take care of for them. It teaches us to keep aiming higher on our customer experience everyday.

@envisionroofingdallas

Kristen Gonzalez | Thriver & Mompreneur

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far on my journey is, you have to take chances. I’m not saying quitting a job or spending a ton of money, but each chance you take is one step forward to an overall goal. Some may seem like larger risks, but I have found that all risks I have taken, have either been a lesson I learned or a push forward in my success. In my last career, I felt my passion shifting. I worked my tail off until I could financialyl replace that career and step away. That was a huge chance I took on what may not be guaranteed. (but really is?) Thank God I did. I found pure joy! I took chances on sharing about a product I loved; I got made fun of, mocked, blocked on social media, avoided, the list goes on. However, I also helped thousands of people along the way! The messages thanking me for taking a chance on them out weighed the struggles I went through!

@kristenmsather @txthriver

Mobile Cuisine and Catering

Believe in your concept and your food and don’t let anything get in the way of your ambitions. Follow your dreams with a passion!

@Ragin-Casian ragincasian.com @theragincasian

  Josh Schoemaker | Carbon & Cotton

The most important lesson I have learned in my journey so far is to stay focused on creating art that I love, not what I think will sell. This mindset feeds my passion of exploration and discovery as well as keeps my art looking fresh.

CarbonandCotton.com @joshschoemaker

Joey Werkmeister | UX (User Experience) Manager | Travel & Entertainment Photographer

The lesson life continues to remind me is to experience every moment life gives you. Stop, observe, value, enjoy. Travel photography has been in my blood for generations. Growing up, I remember my family sitting down in my grandparents living room at every family reunion and everyone passing around stacks of printed photos (I suppose this was the Instagram of the ‘90s) and catching up. I keep a few of my grandfathers polaroids on my refrigerator because they remind me of those special times. In my adult life I’ve been able to travel all over the world for both work and pleasure, and I’ve always kept my extended family in the loop by photographing and posting the pictures for them to see on Facebook, and now on Instagram where I’ve loved sharing those experience with friends, family and followers to world over. My father was diagnosed with ALS about 2 years ago, and since then taking photographs has taken on an new kind of meaning. He is no longer able to travel, but I’ve enjoyed documenting my adventures and bringing the photos back home so we can gather in the’ living room (just like old times) and scan through the pictures, telling stories and taking my dad along on the adventure.

@r_j_werkmeister werk.space werkspaced@gmail.com

Tiffany Smith | North Dallas Realtor®

@stellaimages

After more than a decade in real estate, I’ve developed a unique approach that is focused on one thing – genuine hospitality. This principle has served as my singular emphasis in both my personal and professional life. With a degree in hospitality management, servant leadership is in my blood, and I’ve realized over the years that while my industry expertise is incredibly valuable, what people appreciate and remember the most is how they were treated. It is my joy to serve my clients, and I hope that each and every one of them feels like part of the family.

@realtortiffanysmith

Stephen Lohoefer | Pastor, The Grove Church

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey thus far has also been the most difficult to learn. That lesson is patience— patience that storms will pass; patience that good things will come. Over and over again, God has shown me that most of the time, the thing I want the most will come in time. I just have to learn to trust the process.

Grove.org @grovechurchdallas @stephenlohoefer @GroveChurchDallas

Dennis Johnson | Insurance specialist and Forex investor

Never avoid being uncomfortable. To deny uncomfortably is to deny growth.

@Gabe.Jade

Emily Le | Makeup Artist & Beauty Influencer

@arialised

The most important lesson I’ve learned is self-love. Building yourself up, and embracing all that you are and accepting it. You learn new things about yourself as you reach deeper into your mind. Sometimes negative things are rooted deeply in us and we do not realize it, such as insecurities about our selves. Self-love has many benefits, & happiness is one of them.

etreecosmo.com @etreecosmo

Diego Merel | Traveler and Sales Rep

I’ve learned to find happiness within myself rather than finding happiness in other people. I started making healthier choices regarding my personal health and everything around me started to snowball from there.

@lobo_chicco

Angie McComb | aka #Solargirltx with her SolarBulldog, Lola Lu

I have learned that staying authentic matters, that being your true self in any situation pays out tenfold and I’ve learned that everyone has a story. I have clients in multi-million dollar homes and I have clients with disconnect notices worrying about how to pay the electricity bill, but the relationships and the human element are the same. I have chosen a career path that’s designed to help people and that’s my reward at the end of every day.

@SolarGirlTX @SolarGirlTX

  Garrick Thomas | Singer | Actor | Model

The most important lesson I have learned on this journey is to never lose yourself and keep fighting because your time is near. We want to give up when things aren’t going our way and that’s when you have to push yourself harder to strive for your ultimate goal.

@gstylez817 @gstylez817 @gstylez817 Soundcloud: @gstyelz817 Snapchat: @gmangsent

Tricia Ann Garcia | Interior Stylist & Home Stager

If you give 100 percent of your attention, energy, and time to a thing, you will get exactly that back.

@triciagarciainteriors

King.Kidd | Artist & Entrepreneur

Loco Conroe

Slow and steady wins the race! Making sure to trust the process, never rush it.

@QueenLashes45

Von Harris | Photographer & Cinematographer

The most important lesson I’ve learned on my journey was realizing that sometimes failure can be necessary and the best thing that can happen. Getting knocked down is sometimes necessary to make you get up and be the Stronger, Smarter & Better person you’re supposed to be! Always keep working on my craft and myself because if I can consistently make myself better then everything else I do will evolve as well!

VonHarrisProductions.com @VonHarrisProductions

Damian Roberts | Management of 2 Lit- Live Hungry Die Fat Clothing | Entrepreneur, and Physical Therapy

Keeping God first, Pay yourself first, Invest in other people, mindset is everything, dream big, having amazing mentors in your life, being willing to unlearn and reinvent yourself in moving forward towards your journey of success. When you are intentionally focused on your goals, you will be amazed on what you can accomplish. Every success book, entrepreneur, and major business owner out there will tell you the one principle that got them to their level of success. The principle is they chose themselves. You are in control of your life so take action in moving forward in your journey of success. I am honored to have an excellent team of entrepreneur brothers who are all liked minded individuals with work ethics that are unmatched. We are a team so this article is just as important for them. Never give up, follow your dreams, and do what the other 99% won’t.

livehungrydiefat.com @livehungrydiefat @reez2lit @drob2lit @diddy2lit @theboy2lit @tana2lit @mattmayne2lit @gotti2lit @chaptheconnect

Flavio Venancio | tattoo artist

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that, first of all, you have to do what you love otherwise it’s a waste of life. Second, no matter how good you are in your field, there is always something new to learn and improve. Learning is really a never-ending process and you have to keep that in mind to succeed. Tattooing is my passion, is what I love to do, but I don’t take it for granted. For me, I want and I need to evolve every day and I do it with pleasure. I’ve been tattooing for over 15 years and I’ve worked in different countries like Indonesia, Japan, Australia, Brazil. I love being around different cultures, different art and learning new techniques. The more I learn, more I realize how much is there to learn. The better you are in your art, the more people expect from you, it’s a challenge and I love it.

@flavio_tattoo

Joy Smallwood | Resin Artist

Jadon Smallwood

I am a perfectionist and my own worst critic. I’ve had to learn that art isn’t about perfection, it’s about creating something to share with others. I have been shocked by the enthusiasm around some of my pieces which I was not particularly fond of myself. I’ve learned that everybody has different tastes, you just need to find the right audience to share it with. Lastly, I’ve learned not to focus on making sales, instead I focus on building relationships with people!

@joysmallwood_art @joysmallwood_art spreesy.com/Joysmallwoodart

Ian “KWAME” Asibey | Musician | Drummer

Michael Barrera

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is patience and preparation . I’ve been playing drums for over 13 years now and joining Artemis funk (a 7 piece band from Arlington, TX) was has been a great learning experience. I’ve become a better listener and someone who is a lot more organized in terms of planning. Scheduling rehearsals and gigs with 6 other people be complicated; working with personal and work schedules, etc. I realized like everything that’s with having its patience and understanding that helps things move forward. When I first saw the band together they already had a drummer, but I knew these were the people I wanted to work with. The opportunity came for me to fill in for the drummer, and I was prepared for it; practicing and going to jam sessions as much as I could. Long story short a month later I was asked to be the permanent drummer. Playing with them ever since has been fantastic, but patience and preparation is a must. With 7 different opinions on almost everything we discuss, we have to be able to listen to one another and have enough patience and empathy to understand where the person is coming from. No matter what it is if we’re patience and prepared to tackle the situation, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish.

@ian.asibey  @kingkwame95 @artemisfunk @iangoinskiin

Autumn Taylor | Product Developer and Owner of BERE Lingerie

During journey thus far , my most important lesson is to take everything day by day. I always had the tendency to rush into things I wanted most and ended up failing due to my impatience , but now as I go day by day I can now say I am where I need to be at the right time and will get to where I need exactly when I am supposed to. I no longer rush things that are set to come later or stress things out of my control.

@Aavum  @berecolingerie

Tasha Olorunnisomo | Love coach and Motivational Speaker

The most important lesson I have learned so far in my journey is never let fear stop you from accomplishing your goals in life. Life will have many challenges but you will overcome all of them if you do not quit. Do not allow anyone to stop you from accomplishing your lifelong dream, you are worth it.

@livelovelifecoachtasha

The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/12/13/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey-2/

[thebuckblogimo]

The ever-changing face of America and what I make of it after all these years.

July 21, 2019

As a proud member of the gerontocracy, I’ve seen the world evolve in ways I never imagined as a child. Take, for example, the not-so-simple matter of race relations and attitudes toward skin color.

When I started school at St. Alphonsus in 1953, every kid was white. But not really white. My first big box of Crayolas included a color called “Flesh.” I remember staring at it, thinking that it did not look like the color of the skin of anyone I knew. And certainly not like that of the “colored people” (as African-Americans were known in the early ‘50s) in the Detroit neighborhood where my grandparents lived.

Crayola didn’t even try to make a crayon for them.

As I got a little older and started playing youth baseball, my team, the Bullets, occasionally played a team from the south end of Dearborn that everyone called “the Syrians.” They were a bunch of Arabic kids whose parents or grandparents actually came from Lebanon, and I recall thinking that they looked white but that most of them had better tans than the kids on my team.

By the time I was in high school during the early to mid ‘60s, the civil rights movement, led by Martin Luther King Jr., was ascending in national attention. I didn’t watch much nightly news in those days, but I was aware that Walter Cronkite of CBS, and “Huntley-Brinkley” of NBC, covered it every evening on TV.  At that point in my life I remember often hearing the words “prejudice,” “discrimination,” “segregation” and “integration,” but I don’t recall ever hearing the word “diversity.”

Actually, in my mostly blue collar neighborhood, there may have been more discussion about “nationality” than skin color during those years. The grandparents of most of my friends had all immigrated to America from somewhere else--Italy, Poland, Germany, Ireland, Scotland and Belgium. Canada, too, although we never thought of Canadians as immigrants. In any case, Dearborn was “all white.” Period. And mayor Orville Hubbard neither said nor did much to refute his separatist reputation.

When I went off to college, one of my biggest surprises was the racial--and geographic--composition of the Michigan State football team. The mid 1960s were the glory years of Spartan football and most of the best players were black and from the South. Such as All-American defensive end Bubba Smith (Beaumont, Texas); All-American wide receiver Gene Washington (LaPorte, Texas); All-American roverback George Webster (Anderson, South Carolina); and Jimmy Raye (Fayetteville, North Carolina) who became the first black quarterback from the South to win a national title. Those great ‘65 and ‘66 teams also included two Hawaiians, placekicker Dick Kenny and All-American fullback Bob Apisa who was born in American Samoa.

If you search for a photo of the 1965 Alabama football team, which shared the national championship with MSU that season, you will find that it does not include a single black face. And if you Google photos of the 1966 Notre Dame team, which shared the next year’s national title with the Spartans, it reveals just one black player--that of All-American defensive tackle Alan Page.

In my estimation, head coach Duffy Daugherty has never received sufficient credit for all the things he did to integrate college football.

By the end of my second year on campus, the civil rights movement, student protests against the war in Vietnam, worries over being drafted into the military, the emerging sexual revolution, drug use and all the cultural changes associated with the ‘60s--in music, literature, hair styles, clothing, etc.--made “crazy” feel routine.

And then on Sunday, July 23, 1967, things got even crazier.

I recall sitting with some pals at “the Canteen” at Camp Dearborn, eating a black cherry ice cream cone in the late afternoon sun, when a St. Al’s girl I had known since first grade walked up to our table and said, “Have you heard about the riot going on in Detroit?”

Riot? Detroit? What? Huh?

The next evening I drove down Warren Avenue into the city with my Dad, and I remember seeing independent business owners sitting on the steps of their stores, with rifles locked and loaded, prepared to defend their properties. The following day at the Detroit paint factory where I worked that summer, I took the staircase to the rooftop of Building 42, looked out toward the Detroit River and could see hundreds of fires dotting the cityscape. Detroit was put under curfew for four days; the National Guard, as well as two divisions of the U.S. Army, were called in to quell the disturbance; and in the end, 43 people died, over 7,000 arrests were made and 2,000 buildings were destroyed. The riot was triggered by an early-hours bust of a blind pig, but black frustration with racial inequities was at the root of it all.

Detroit has never been the same since.

I graduated from college in December of 1969, and about two months later drove across the country with my buddy Joe on an adventure to the West Coast. I was soon able to find a job as a janitor at the uber-exclusive Pacific Union (Men’s) Club at the top of Nob Hill in San Francisco. It was my first introduction to people with “yellow skin.”

I was part of a work crew that consisted of a Filipino, a Korean, a Chinese man and three white guys. The three Asians had all come to America in hopes of saving enough money to bring their families to the U.S. All three struggled with English, and I helped my Korean buddy learn the language by reading aloud the comics section of the Sunday paper, while pointing at the illustrations.

Because of the language barrier and my short time on the job, I gained few good insights into those guys and their respective cultures, other than to say I knew them as great workers.

After a couple of months, Joe and I moved on to Los Angeles, but I was feeling like a bit of loser, homesick and hungry. He found a gig as a carpenter; I soon caught a ride back home with some pals who were visiting the coast. In December of 1970 I finally landed my first big boy job as a copywriter for the Automobile Club of Michigan (AAA) at its headquarters in downtown Detroit.

It was the fulfillment of my boyhood dreams. I was writing every day about insurance, travel and auto financing services. I was being taken to lunch several times a week by art studios or the ad agency that created AAA’s radio and TV advertising. And I finally had a couple of bucks in my pocket.

But something was percolating below the surface at work. Word leaked out that the Auto Club would be moving its headquarters from downtown Detroit to Dearborn. And, suddenly, there was a concurrent realization that there was not a single black person or woman who was a department manager at the downtown headquarters or at any of the 56 Michigan AAA branch offices at that time.

Although it still felt like the ‘60s, instead of revolting, disgruntled black employees and a female employee filed separate discriminatory lawsuits against the Auto Club. The suits dragged on for years in the courts, but by the time I left the company in 1979 there were numerous blacks and many women in prominent positions at AAA throughout the state.

Meanwhile, during the early-to-mid ‘70s, the Motor City came to be known as the Murder City. Also, federally imposed school busing accelerated the flight of white people from Detroit. Nevertheless, in December of 1977, I bought my first home in an integrated Detroit neighborhood called North Rosedale Park. Thanks to an active civic association, involved block clubs, a community house for hosting neighborhood events, etc., North Rosedale worked.

However, to the south, the neighborhoods branching out from nearby Evergreen Road, and the ones north of West McNichols, had become virtually all black. I was inside a few homes in those neighborhoods only a handful of times, visiting or partying with black colleagues from work. However, I slow-cruised the streets of Northwest Detroit many times in my car, an admittedly imperfect way to try to understand what it was like to live there. I observed people who were obviously middle class, but I observed many more who appeared to be “underclass.”

For a time I was a member of a North Rosedale Park committee to help prevent neighborhood crime and was privy to a police department map with pinpoints that plotted major crimes in the 16th precinct. Car thefts. B&Es. Shootings. Murders. I could clearly see the extent of the problem throughout the precinct. Like everyone else I read about the crime throughout the city in the daily newspapers. I watched the coverage of it on TV. And I could “feel it” when I drove through the neighborhoods in my car.

I got married in 1979. And by the end of the ‘80s Debbie and I had four small children. It was time to make a big decision. Stay in Detroit and send our kids to Detroit schools, which had become dysfunctional? Drive our kids many miles to private schools in the suburbs? Or move?

In 1989, Ross Roy, the long-time downtown Detroit ad agency that I was then working for, relocated to Bloomfield Hills. And we moved even farther north to Clarkston where the public schools had an excellent reputation.

Once again I was living in a virtually all white community.

We lived in Clarkston for 20 years. As I attended local high school football and basketball games over that time, I began to notice an increasing number of black players on the mostly suburban teams in Clarkston’s league. And I recalled that when we moved out of Detroit, it wasn’t just white families that were leaving the city, many middle class black families left for the suburbs, too.

My children rarely met kids with black, brown or yellow skin in Clarkston. In fact, they rarely met kids with the kinds of last names--ending in “i” or “o” or “ski” or “wicz”--that I took for granted while growing up. But they met many such people in college and continue to do so in their respective careers. And I’m proud that they tend not to be judgmental of people with different skin colors.

After we lost our home due to an electrical fire in 2010, Debbie and I embarked on a new adventure that took us to Grand Haven in West Michigan. Heavy Dutch influence. Politically conservative. Predominantly white. During my first summer here, someone I met at a party referred to Detroit as “Detoilet.” Also, at estate sales and neighborhood functions, I was often asked whether I go to church--something I was not used to on the other side of the state. It’s a whole different vibe in West Michigan, to be sure.

We’re now into our eighth summer in Grand Haven, and even here you can see the changing face of America. There’s a family down the street whose daughter is marrying an African-American man this month. There’s a woman I know at the gym whose son married an African-American woman last month. And one day recently, a neighbor from the next street over stopped to talk while pushing a stroller and introduced me to his son’s twin boys. With their darkish skin color, dark hair and eyes, I assumed that they had an Indian or perhaps Pakistani   mother.

Such things were unheard of when I first visited Grand Haven in the early ‘70s.

I was inspired to write about what I’ve observed concerning the ever-changing face of America after shopping one evening at Westborn Market during a visit to Dearborn earlier this summer. When I walked into the store I felt as though I had entered into some sort of international marketplace. White people. Black people. Arabic people. Asian people. Indian people. The place was packed with people of color of all types. It was certainly not the “cake eaters’” market of my youth.

WHERE I COME OUT. I’ve been thinking about attitudes toward skin color since early childhood, when I first realized that there were black people who could speak Polish living on my grandparents’ block. As I look back on the past seven decades, here are five observations and my opinions about them:

Birds of a feather flock together. My grandparents lived in Polish enclaves. The Arab families I knew as a kid clustered in an area of Dearborn called “Salina.” In college, the black kids usually sat together in the grill and cafeteria. And rich people tend to reside in the same zip code. It’s a natural human tendency for people who share a common culture to congregate with their own kind. I get that. Yet I’ve always felt that if Mr. and Mrs. Cardinal desire to build their home next to Mr. and Mrs. Robin, they have every right to do so.

I was in perhaps the sixth grade when I first heard about school “busing” to achieve racial integration. Brilliant idea, thought my 12-year-old mind. But as a young man I reversed my position as I came to understand the vital importance of “neighborhood schools.” When moms and dads, no matter their color, give a serious damn about their kids’ education, they prefer to live close to their children’s schools, facilitating the parental involvement--school open houses; child progress meetings; attendance at plays, concerts and sporting events--that is so important to the successful education of their kids. Also, there were many times I ran into our children’s teachers at the bakery or Damman Hardware in Clarkston--everyday community encounters that enhanced a “connection” with their teachers. The chance of that happening with cross-district busing is far less likely. I would argue that whatever slim chance Detroit had to remain a viable major American city after the riots of ‘67 was killed by forced busing in the early-to-mid ‘70s. It caused the last of Detroit’s white middle class to say, “That’s it...we’re out of here.” Many black middle class families said the same. So, ultimately, the city was left to a population that was mostly poor and black. (Interestingly, Coleman Young, Detroit’s first black mayor, was an opponent of busing.)

No matter race, ethnicity, age or income level, most people make little effort to learn anything about the attitudes, interests or culture of the “other guy.” I’m far from being a hundred percent at it, but when I have done so the results have often been astounding. Such as the time I walked into a large Arabic market on Warren Avenue in East Dearborn a few years ago in search of the secret to making authentic Middle Eastern shawarma. When I showed sincere interest to doing so, I was escorted around the store and introduced to four or five different employees who filled my head with knowledge about Arabic spices and marinating techniques. I was the only “white person” in the store that day, but when I walked out the door I got high fives, slaps on the back, wishes of good luck--and big smiles--from every employee I encountered. I’ve had many similar experiences with black people when I’ve shown interest in their music, food, personal histories, etc. It’s amazing what you get back when you attempt to find out what the other guy is really all about. I would also add that being curious about or empathetic with “the other” should be a two-way street. If everyone--white, black, Hispanic, yellow, Arabic, native American, etc.--made small, incremental efforts to knock down the invisible barriers between us, it would be so much easier to coexist on this rapidly shrinking planet.

Diversity is infinitely more interesting than homogeneity. I could cite hundreds of personal experiences that cause me to feel this way. From listening to folk songs while sitting in a circle of Scotch people to eating kimchi with Korean folks in San Francisco. From drinking cherry-juice- infused spirytus with relatives in Poland to attempting to harmonize around the piano in a black family’s home in Toledo. From torching my tastebuds with sauteed jalapeno peppers in an authentic Mexican market in Pontiac to the youthful insights of the black North Carolina teenager who spends a part of every summer in the home across the street from us in Grand Haven. Diversity broadens horizons. Changes perspectives. Expands one’s view of the world. No matter where or with whom one ordinarily flocks, it’s highly beneficial, sez I, to get out and fly with birds of a different color.

We could really use a modern-day Henry Ford, someone with a not-yet-conceived, revolutionary new product--or process--that employs large numbers of ordinary workers and pays them a living wage to build it. That’s what Henry did when he introduced assembly line production to build the Model T and doubled the wage of his workers to $5 a day, putting them on the road to the middle class. Or maybe we need a modern-day Work Projects Administration (WPA) that employs unskilled people--and pays them enough to afford a dignified middle class life--to rebuild our roads, bridges, water lines, public transit systems, the entire U.S. infrastructure. Because I now think that racially segregated poverty persists more due to economic inequality than any other factor. There are available jobs galore in the fast food industry, tourism, hospitality, health care and more. But they’re jobs that don’t pay enough to secure a middle class life. And it is now generally accepted that the single greatest predictor of a student’s achievement and eventual economic success is household income. I used to think that education was the key to lifting up the poverty stricken-- whether black, brown, white, whatever--into the middle class. But while the American population is more educated than ever before, the canyon between rich and poor has only widened over the last 40 years.

Like everyone else, I have opinions. These have been mine about racial issues. I’ve never lived in a ghetto. I haven’t had much interplay with Hispanics. I’ve never been poor. And I claim no special expertise in matters regarding attitudes toward skin color. I’m just one guy who has been watching, thinking about these things for a very long time. I probably won’t be around to see America become a majority-minority country. I only hope that when it inevitably happens that all people of all skin colors will do a better job of negotiating those invisible barriers on that two-way street I spoke of earlier.

[esthermeronobaro]

The Dying Art of Light

This article was first published in the January 2014 issue of SLUG Magazine. Read it online or in print on page 33.

Over 100 years after Cinématographe was invented and used by the Lumiére brothers in France to show the first paying audience a projected film, Edward Norton looks directly into the camera as he explains the job of a projectionist in a scene from Fight Club. “Why would anyone want this shit job?” he asks as his alter-ego Tyler Durden splices pornography into family cartoons. “Because it affords them other interesting opportunities.”  

Walking up the steps to the projection booths of the Salt Lake Film Society’s Broadway Theatre, I imagine what it would’ve been like, watching that scene from Fight Club when it showed in theaters in 1999, from a projection booth—like looking at a reflection, perhaps. 

Lance Walker, SLFS Head Projectionist, has been working in the booth since 2001, just before the Salt Lake Film Society came into fruition to save the Tower Theatre from demise. “There really wasn’t anyone else who could come here and do it, so they trained me and the other guy who was working the concession stand at the time … They showed me really fast how to do it, and everything else I’ve had to learn on my own,” he says. Walker speaks slowly and affirmatively—he reminds me of a more subdued version of Wallace Shawn’s character in The Princess Bride—a little bored, a little cynical, and his rare smile reveals an endearing gap in his teeth behind a full beard.  

Lance Walker, Head Projectionist for the Salt Lake Film Society, has survived the digital conversion, though his job has considerably changed. Photo: Russel Daniels

We walk through the hallway to the projection booths and Walker apologizes for the smell, but the overwhelming aroma of popcorn that fills the lobby below doesn’t seem to penetrate the dark upstairs. Instead, the winding hallways contain a light scent of dust among the organized clutter of boxes, tables and machines—very few people come up here, which is part of the magic. 

“I like the projection booth because it’s like a dark hole that no one really wants to go into,” says Walker. “It’s loud and dark and it’s not a place for people to go.”

Tyler Durden defines the employment opportunities of a projectionist as creative mischief, but speaking with Walker—and having worked in the movie theater business myself for nearly a decade—I realize that, though most projectionists aren’t using their position to terrorize children, there’s a certain character trait needed to draw someone to the booth: those who find solace in solitude. Walker tells me he’s not much of a film fanatic, citing The Shining as a favorite, and admitting he prefers B movies he can watch and be done with in the comfort of his own home. “ … I can pause [the movie], get food or drink, go to the bathroom and never miss any of it. I can have the lights on or off. I don’t have to come into work or any of the other movie theaters, now very demanding of you knowing exactly where you want to sit. I’m not into that,” he says. “I guess I might be a control freak.”  

A few days later, Scott Farley of Brewvies Cinema Pub, and I sit in a booth at Juniors discussing his own film interests: “I think I have a fairly deep knowledge of film for a pedestrian, but not for a film buff,” he says. “I would say that I am an autodidact and there were times when it was necessary for me to know film … I sort of tried to surround myself with people who were real cinema heads and try to get them to educate me, but … I am pretty absent from my own personality, and what people tell me to think, I’m pretty easily convinced of … ”

Scott Farley of Brewvies Cinema Pub boasts over three decades of experience in the projection booth. Photo: Russel Daniels

Having spent a few years’ worth of Friday nights with Farley closing up Brewvies when I worked there, I can personally attest to his above-average knowledge and understanding of film, having benefitted from a number of his recommendations—and anyone can call the Brewvies Movieline at 801-355-5500 to hear his forcibly optimistic and concise reviews for the current lineup. 

Farley’s history in the booth starts in Logan, when he was attending Utah State University in 1985. 

“You try to have jobs, and since you can’t make a lot of money because there isn’t a lot of money to be made unless you’re having a miserable life, you come up with jobs where your perks also fill your social needs,” he says, explaining what led him to start working at a movie theater. 

“Dates were free, and I could hook up friends on any number of levels, so I had entrées of social significance greater than just my charming personality.” 

Farley eventually ended up at the Tower Theatre, working under Greg Tanner before the SLFS took over, making his way to Brewvies in 1997. “I kind of left being a projectionist when I came to Brewvies,” he says, admitting that the years he’s been at the cinema pub have been more fruitful as a bartender. Though it’s true that the job is now predominantly accomplished by the bussers, they’re trained at a very surface level, making Farley’s nearly three decades of projection experience crucial when it comes to troubleshooting impending film disasters—soon to be antiquated memories.

In his 2011 documentary series, The Story of Film: An Odyssey—consequently another Farley recommendation—Irish film critic Mark Cousins describes film as “the art of light.” He says, “[Thomas] Edison and the many other manic, ideas-y inventors of cinema realized that beyond the equipment and machines, what you needed most for movies was light”—essentially making the role of the projectionist somewhat of a poetic intermediary between the art and the audience. 

According to the first episode of the series, and confirmed by Walker’s extensive knowledge of traditional movie projectors, the actual machine is an amalgamation of varying components from other inventions, including the sewing machine and the vacuum, slowly tweaked by new innovations, but not as quickly evolving as one would expect compared to the technological advances surrounding it. Perhaps this is why, a year after Tyler Durden explains the basics of projector mechanics, the first digital projectors are installed and tested in a few movie theaters across the country.  

SLFS's Lance Walker enjoys the more carefree, digital format of projecting films. Photo: Russel Daniels

Nearly 14 years later, the labs producing celluloid film are shutting down and movie studios big and small have finally caught up with the digital, economical and eco-friendly age, sending notices to theaters, independent and commercial, that they’ll no longer be producing 35mm prints. Instead of heavy, metal canisters of film, briefcases are arriving on theater doorsteps full of hard drives about the size of a paperback—compressed movie files. Large chain theaters, like the Megaplex at the Gateway, completed their conversion to digital a couple of years ago, but a quick search on Google reveals that independent theaters across the country are struggling to purchase the expensive new projectors in time to meet the studio deadlines—a story of its own. Salt Lake’s independent theaters have survived the changing of the guard, and at the Broadway, aside from two running 35mm projectors, the outdated machines have been pushed into even darker corners to make room for whirring blocks—looking a bit like oversized window units—topped with glowing touch screens. In one day, Walker laments, a century’s worth of invention and innovation was replaced. 

“Film” is a vestigial word now. 

The job of the projectionist, though, is still very much alive, however changed. “I was led to believe that the digitals would take care of themselves, which they haven’t done yet, so I still have a job,” says Walker. “They never implied that I would be fired, but that I would have less to do. It’s all the same amount of work—it’s just different work.” Walker is now part DJ, part IT tech. His day begins by uploading or “ingesting” the movie into the digital projector, inserting special keys sent via email to decode the encrypted information, and then, essentially making a playlist that includes a schedule of showings, trailers, credits, etc. “When it was all 35mm, you would come in and turn on the power, thread up the movies, and you were ready to go,” says Walker. “Now, you have to make sure the machines are actually networked, and sometimes you have to restart them several times to make sure that they’re connecting. So it just takes a lot more time to get the day started, but other than that, you just put in the schedule and it goes. Then someone complains about it—the cleaning lights have been left on—and you’re like, ‘That’s not my deal—the machine left the cleaning lights on.’ When automation is going, it just makes people think it’s taken care of—‘I don’t have to worry about it.’ Digital is a fickle thing.” 

At Brewvies, the two back-to-back 35mm projectors have not been converted as of writing this article, though they’ll be switched out soon, but Farley sees the change as a positive one. “The idea of not having to use resources which are largely slandered, and ship items across the country that burn carbon—it’s going to be a great efficiency and a great good in a deep ecological sense to not have film,” he says. “The projection will always be significantly improved, because it’s really easy to flub a film and ruin it, and digital looks good now.” Walker agrees, saying, “I really think that whoever did the digitals went around and figured out all of the awful things that happen, and they did a really good job in putting their thing together.” 

Brewvies' Scott Farley acknowledges that going digital will make film projection a bit more environmentally friendly. Photo: Russel Daniels

There’s no romanticizing 35mm film when you’re the one spending a whole night in the booth, putting together two miles of film after dropping a print—which Farley admits to having suffered on a couple of occasions in his early days as a projectionist. “That will never happen anymore—I will never have to look at a projector and think, ‘How do I fix this?” he says, pausing with what I read as a hint of poignance.  

For myself, threading the film through the projector was a meditative respite from the rush of working as a barback. It was detail-oriented, mechanical work that satiated a compulsive urge. It was a small piece of art that I mitigated to an audience through a machine whose parts contain the genealogy of industrious and romantic ideas. The digital conversion has changed the mechanics of cinema, evolved the projectionist from a torchbearer waiting in the shadows to a button pusher glowing in the dark, but no one’s really crying about it. “It is, after all, just an aesthetic end you’re searching for,” says Farley. “There’s no quantity of truth you’re trying to get out of it because it’s a lie anyway—you’re just trying to get a really great lie.”