lifeoftinablog

[lifeoftinablog]

My mental health and where it’s at right now.

I tend to be a quiet person, who keeps things inside my head. I don’t open up well, and often times bottle up my thoughts and feelings without expressing them. If I unleash them, I typically do it very privately, usually only to myself. On occasion, I share with friends how I’m feeling. But even with friends I don’t usually share full details. It’s hard for me to open up and express myself.

But why am I like this? Why do I never open up and say how I’m feeling, or reach out to the people around me when I need to? The answer is, because I’m afraid to lose people. Because I’m afraid to drive them away. All my life, I can’t name a moment where opening up and expressing how I’m truely feeling didn’t lead to loss of a friend or a significant other. 

When it came to a significant other, I would open up and say how sad I was feeling, or try to approach a problem in the relationship with the goal of solving it and moving forward with happier interactions. Some times my previous relationships would ignore me for days or weeks on end. Some times they’d choose friends over spending any form of time with me alone in private. When those situations became upsetting, I would usually express to my partner that I wanted to be spoken to more. Or maybe instead of ALWAYS spending time with friends, I wanted a moment to spend time with just us. These are just small examples of things I encountered in previous relationships and opened up about. And when I expressed these wants, my significant others would typically ignore me again, or tell me it was my own problem. 

When I expressed again how sad I was, they’d give me an ultimatium, or just tell me they were ending the relationship immediately. My heart would shatter. My trust was broken in an instant. This became such a common occurance in my life that I started to swallow my feelings, thoughts, anything at all. I stopped telling people things. I would try to turn to friends, and those friends would either snap at me in frustration over how I was feeling and turn me away, or some of those friends eventually evolved into bullies who further destroyed my mental health and made me feel like less of a person.

I can’t tell you every situation I’ve ever been in where things went south. Because honestly, I blocked most of them from my memory. It effected the person I would become. They always say communication is important. But how do you communicate when you’re afraid due to past expierences ending terribly from doing so? It feels like life taught me that the more you express yourself the more likely you’re going to lose people. I’ve never had somebody turn to me and say, okay. It’s okay. We’re going to get through this. We will work this out. It’ll be fine. We got this.

I was alone in always thinking and trying to make that happen for me and my relationships with people. I was eventually left to just try to support myself. And when you’re in a dark place like I am, it’s hard to support yourself without the help of a friend or someone you trust.

Now take this and imagine yourself as a young girl, in her mid 20′s, who has lived a strictly scheduled, regular life. She lived with her parents for her entire life, in the same exact house, same neighborhood, same town, same state, without ever once moving. Her parents worked 5am to 4pm-5pm every single day for 20+ years, except on Monday’s and Tuesday’s. On Monday’s and Tuesday’s, her parents often didn’t stay home on their day off and usually went out to window shop from 10am till as late as 8pm. Imagine a girl who grew up without siblings in this household. The house was silent, all the time. If a tv came on, it was quiet. The tv’s were usually only on for maybe an hour or two a day, 3 at max. Her father was so obsessed with noise that he would yell and panic in the house if anyone was being too loud for his own sake. 

So everything, all the time, every moment, was quiet and had to be. Imagine not being allowed to have friends over in this household except maybe once or twice a year. Because your father was too paranoid to have strangers in the house. So when strangers did come, it was almost this anxiety inducing moment of, am I safe? Is this stranger an okay person? Am I allowed to do what I want in my house if this stranger is here? You’re almost taught to feel like strangers are a threat if your parents react in a negative way towards them.

Now also imagine having a very messy mother, who doesn’t care where things are, and has zero organization. But your father is loud, angry, irritable, and over the top OCD. He comes home every single day, and he yells and rants about how messy everything is. Wether that meant clothes on the floor, or cups on the counter, or dishes in the sink. It didn’t matter the number, but usually the messes were large. So he pushes you in pure anger to clean constantly and to stay clean. Everything has to have a place, and be taken care of, to avoid anger and even physical hitting. My father used to get so angry that he’d hit me on the head, bite his tongue and yell in my face, and demand that I take care of messes or listen to what he’s saying or he’d take away my hobbies - video games, the internet, tv, you name it.

My father was always angry. Always. And he was quiet, too. Hardly ever spoke. If you tried to talk to him, he’d try to shrug you off or get very angry and very loud and tell you to go away. Everything had to be his way or no way. He often excluded me from family trips as well, because for some reason my presence alone, my breathing, my exsistence was absolutely annoying.

So what did I do when things got to be too much? I had two real life friends who lived near me that I met in school. Each living 20 minutes or 45 minutes away by car. I’d usually take off for a day or a few days and spend time with those friends. We’d drive out to malls, to the beach, to the park, to restraunts or coffee shops. Anything to get out. Some times we hung out in their bedroom and di arts and crafts or we talked about life, etc. It was a form of escape. It was how I could breathe outside a stressful home life.

All of these situations and moments and things were HABIT and REGULARITY and STABILITY for me. It was all scheduled. I knew when things would happen. I knew what reactions to expect. Everything was planned, and handled, etc.

Imagine working a daycare job in a grocery store for 8 years. It was never busy, and it was usually pretty calm aside from the occasional stupid parent making stupid decisions. But you could be backed up by a manager or a coworker, and felt a sense of safety. No matter the situation, you were protected. And it was a solo job. You’d see your coworker for 5 minutes before your shift started, talk about the shift before yours, and say goodbye and work alone watching up to 8 kids at a time. If you had to go to the bathroom or needed something to do when there were no kids, you could go without hesitation or worry. If you needed something, you had a manager to immediately cover you. Your coworkers weren’t great people, but at least they didn’t say anything to your face to make you feel bad. It was usually in passing behind your back and it was easier to shrug it off then. And then that job closed down.

Now imagine moving across the country. No family to go to. No friends to see. You have no idea really what’s around you in the state you’re now living in. Your town is smaller, and everybody seems wealthier. You never go to the mall. You never take any trips really. You don’t have anyone to go out with to escape from the house. And your household schedules are CONSTANTLY changing. You never know when you’ll have a moment to yourself, truely. You’ll never know where people are or what they’re doing. You’ll never know what to expect from anyone who comes home or leaves. When you try to keep things clean no one else tries, because you were taught to be clean and maintain a organized enviornment but everyone else was not. And so your way of doing things, everything you grew up with and spent your entire life doing, somehow don’t apply here. But you’ve moved to this new place and have to get comfortable somehow. But you can’t. Because everything is so drastically different. You’ve spent over 20 years of your life doing the same things. But now it’s all almost completely opposite. And your job really, really sucks. The customers are awful people. The work is so difficult that you come home acheing and in pain in all your muscles and body parts from literally running, or lifting heavy things, or doing repetitive motions all day. 

Your coworkers aren’t afraid to make you feel like shit to your face. They’ll say things to you directly, or around you, and you’ll know it. And it’ll be so upsetting and initimidating and unwelcoming. And you go to higher ups and those higher ups can only help so much because they’re not always at work to protect you or run the place properly. It’s exhausting. 

And then imagine getting diagnosed with a bladder disease. You can’t stop peeing every 5 minutes. You can barely eat or enjoy food anymore. You can hardly drink water. All because you’re so terrified you’re going to be peeing constantly. And when you sit down to try to relax, or go to work for the day, there’s almost this annoying buzzy itch in your urethra where you know you can’t hold it and feel like any second you’re going to pee your pants. It’s exhausting, humiliating, and it rules your life. Because no matter what you’re doing or where you’re going, imagine you always feel like you have to pee. And that you could pee your pants without any control.

The bladder condition took away my ability to enjoy food socially. I can’t even drink alcohol anymore. I feel like I can’t go out because I’ll sit bored watching everyone else enjoy things. But i’m losing/sacrificing my abiility to go out and socialize within that itself.

Imagine being so attached to how you used to live, where you always had peace and quiet, that you’re terrified of leaving the house and coming back to a place that isn’t quiet and you can’t say anything about it. No one understands where you came from or your way of doing things. 

When you’ve lived your ENTIRE life with family, friends, and a specific way of doing things or expecting things to one year going to something completely opposite. It’s almost mind blowingly overwhelming. And you feel so alone in it. 

How do you help someone who is in a brand new place, with no family, no friends, no escape. No car, no socializing, no adventures, no mall trips, no trips in general...no ability to hardly eat or drink anything. Exhausted and emotionally destroyed from a really crappy work enviornment. 

Be there for them. Let them know, you love and support them. That everything will be okay. That you’ll help them get comfortable. Make plans with them. Take them out to do things. Help them when they come home and feel uncomfortable by having their back, by understanding where they’ve come from and what they’re not used to. Sympathize in the fact that they’re nervous, and scared of being in a new place. Having no one to go see. And no idea of how to escape or where to go that’s fun around their new space of living. Help make them feel safe. Maybe tell them what you would do to feel better in a new place. 

[lifeoftinablog]

THINGS MY BOYFRIEND HAS TAUGHT ME

1. Look for the positivity in things. Assume the best intentions in people.

2. Learn to laugh even in the face of difficult situations.

3. Smile. Smile even when you’re feeling down.

4. Even if a goal or possession seems unobtainable, it can be obtained. It takes a little time, but it will happen or come into your possession.

5. Dream big. Even if the dreams seem like they can’t happen, ponder them and plan for them. Make them happen.

6. Let the small things roll off your shoulders. Let go of minor problems and breathe.

7. Take time to enjoy your hobbies even if that means sacrificing some other tasks or plans. Self care is important.

8. Look for all your options in every situation.

9. Find your passion and have fun with it. Share it with others.

10. Take time to learn and try new things, and gain new knowledge. 

[lifeoftinablog]

WHAT I LEARNED AFTER BEING DIAGNOSED WITH IC

Strap in, grab some tea, maybe a coffee, this is going to be a long post.

Incase you don’t know what IC is, IC stands for Interstitial Cystitis. About a year ago now, in April 2019, before I quit my daycare job, I started experiencing uncomfortable symptoms in my bladder. I couldn’t hold my bladder, and had to run to the restroom every 5-10 minutes at most. It was an absolute nightmare, and a struggle. I was worried at the time, working a solo position job, that I would lose it. I had no coverage other than managers to come and relieve me for the restroom, and when managers weren’t available and I had no customers, I would quickly run to the restroom. I felt like I had no control, and like my life was primarily being spent in the bathroom when I should be working. I had a hard time suddenly occupying myself with activities with the kids, or watching movies. There was just this constant tugging feeling in my urethra, begging me to use the restroom to catch some relief. A little TMI, I know, but that is my day to day, constant feeling in my body. The tugging feeling never stops in my bladder. I feel like every single moment, I’m going to suddenly use the restroom. At the time I thought I couldn’t live my life like this. I thought a huge contribution to the feeling might in fact be the amount of stress that my job caused me.

In mid May 2019, my job received word that we would officially be closing down for good. Corporate had decided we weren’t worth keeping open. A lot of children and their families were heartbroken, and in a sense I was too. That job had been 7, almost 8 years of my life. The stress of it had finally started baring down on me, and especially my bladder. But it seemed like a sign in the end. I reached out to my long distance boyfriend, and we had decided it would be best for me to take a step forward in life and move to Florida. So I quit my job before it officially closed down, and prepared for my move. In the time frame of moving, and settling down in my new place in Florida, I suddenly felt better. My bladder symptoms seemed like they had completely gone away. In that same time frame, I had made the decision to change my lifestyle. I started clean eating, where I completely eliminated sugar, and stuck to plain and simple dishes with spices. No dairy, very little bread/carbs, and a cheat meal of my choice maybe once every week or two depending on my self control. I ate lots of meats, and complex carbs like rice or sweet potatoes. I had lost 37lbs by the time I completed my move entirely.

I was feeling real good about myself by that point. I finally went from a 1x size in women’s clothing, down to a medium depending on the type of clothes, although it typically stayed around a large in most clothing items. My body felt so healthy. And not to mention, I’d reduced a lot of stress in my life. I moved away from stress in Washington - a stressful job, and some times stressful home life. I’d gained freedom and took a giant leap forward in my life by moving to Florida. It all seemed like I was getting a grasp on myself. I started a new job in Florida, and it felt a new beginning. No one knew me, so it was a chance to potentially make friends and make a secondary home for myself. I learned new skills, and worked harder than i’ve ever worked in my entire life so far. That goes for both physically and mentally. The holidays put a true test to my patience and my newfound skills. When the holidays passed, I was heavily praised by customers and coworkers for all my hard work, and even offered promotions of various kinds. I climbed my way up in my new job. I felt so appreciated, and on top of the world.

And then suddenly that tugging feeling came back. I distinctly remember standing at the register at my job, waiting to take a customers order, and I just couldn’t hold my bladder back. I felt like any second I was going to burst in my pants and embarrassingly wet myself. I couldn’t let that happen. I quickly flagged down a coworker to take over my position, and I ran to the restroom. I suddenly felt a burning sensation after relieving myself, and I started to cry from the embarrassment and pain of it all. My manager was so kind when I had returned from the restroom, and she had made an emergency run to a nearby pharmacy to get me UTI medication and a test kit. I was sent home early that day to test myself and rest. My test came back positive for a UTI, and I was immediately sent to Urgent Care. I hadn’t been to a doctor in years by that point and was very nervous about cost. Luckily, I had insurance coverage, and my family’s help. I seen the doctor, and was prescribed medication for a UTI - antibiotics, and over the counter AZO (a bladder medication that helps relieve pain, burning and urgency). The doctor was certain my symptoms all meant a UTI, and my tests all came back positive for it. They insisted that the antibiotics would be what would cure me.

Weeks later, after finishing my antibiotics and seeing the doctor for a checkup, I was given another round of antibiotics as the UTI supposedly had not fully gone away yet. But the urgency, and frequency I’d been experiencing for months at that point was all still there and continuing to feel fresh. I took the second round of antibiotics, and my stomach became extremely upset. I was sick at work constantly, with severe stomach pain. I decided to come off of the antibiotics a little early, and saw the doctor again. They ran urine tests and cultures, and my UTI was gone, but my symptoms remained. The doctor was baffled - and referred me to a urologist. My job became insistent and urgent that I seek care, and so I did. For the following months, I suffered with constant bathroom useage that hindered every aspect of my life. My time at work was always interrupted by the call for the toilet, and even outside of work I was spending more time in the bathroom than doing hobbies. Trying to walk at the park meant searching for the nearest bathroom every couple of feet. Going on trips, especially long car rides, meant pulling over every 10 miles or so, if I could make it that far, and using a gas station bathroom or a rest stop. My life was getting sucked away from me.

I finally saw the urologist after many appointments beforehand, and after a few weeks of waiting. It was determined that I had IC, interstitial cystitis, a lifelong bladder disease that would never be cured. The urologist refused to treat me until I completed some tests and procedures that would require some hospital time. It wasn’t long after that the coronavirus pandemic started, so I had to hold off my hospital visit and testing required by the urologist. In the time during the lockdown from the pandemic, I’ve learned a lot of things about my body.

I wish I had known much sooner how important it is to take care of the human body, and to listen to it. My body had been telling me for such a long time that things had been irritating it, and yet I’d continued forward with a lot of what my body was hurting from. A major cause for my IC is stress, which is something I found therapy was helping me to work with. For anyone dealing with major stress in their life, I highly recommend finding yourself someone to talk to. Therapy doesn’t fix everything though unfortunately. I found that my body, especially my bladder, was extremely sensitive to a lot of foods. Gluten, dairy, and soy are major triggers. I found by cutting out anything involving dough or bread made with wheat, milk and cheese, and soy sauce or oils containing soy, I’ve felt like I’ve gained a little more control over my bladder (although still not perfect). I also started pushing myself to incorporate more greens into my diet. I started taking supplements that would help try to heal my bladder and body. I take D-mannose to heal the bladder, Pumpkin Seed oil to help the bladder, Vitamin D3 because I’m deficient and low energy, PB8 Probiotics for gut health, Ashwaghanda Root for anxiety and stress relief, Magenisum for muscle relaxation and tension, Claritin for any potential allergens irritating my body or bladder, Peppermint capsules for bloating relief, and a multi-vitamin for women to have healthy skin, hair, and of course my overall body.

The combination of everything has started to provide some relief, but I know that I’m not yet at perfection. I can only hope I’m on the road to healing my body. Cutting out all the sugar and junk foods is something I truely wish I had done sooner. Not only did all of it cause me to gain weight most of my life, but it sure took a toll on my health. Taking care of your body is so important. As you get older, you’ll face struggles like myself if you don’t start sooner on caring for yourself and your general health.