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afreakingdork · 5 months ago

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You Are My Sunshine, My Only Moonshine - Chapter 9

RotTMNT x Reader

I am constantly blown away by this chapter art by @yamin-yups

Rated: Teen and Up Audiences

Relationships: Michelangelo (TMNT)/Reader, Michelangelo (TMNT)/You, Donatello (TMNT)/Reader, Donatello (TMNT)/You

Warnings: POV Second Person, Gender Neutral Reader, Anxious Reader, Introverted Reader, Stuttering, Aged-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles, Romance, Love, Love Confessions, Falling In Love, Unrequited Love, Rejection, Aromantic Asexual Michelangelo (TMNT), Bisexual Donatello (TMNT), Pansexual Leonardo (TMNT), Lesbian Cassandra Jones | Foot Recruit, Demisexual April O'Neil (TMNT), Implied Cassandra Jones | Foot Recruit/April O'Neil/Sunita, Endgame Donatello (TMNT)/Reader, Romantic Love, Platonic Love, Panic Attacks, Sexuality Crisis, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety, Happy Ending, Fluff

Synopsis: You’ve lost most of your life to anxiety and fear. Now, in your late 20s, you are desperate to reclaim it and during one such outing you encounter the sun personified. With his and his similarly celestially inspired family, will you finally reach your goal or will you lose yourself along the way?

This chapter contains reference to body dysmorphia. Remember that what you feel is completely valid, but we can sometimes see ourselves differently than we really are. Please keep yourselves safe.

Also available on Ao3

First 💛 Previous

“Maybe we take a break from going out into the packed public for once?” Mikey was upside-down, but compensated by holding his phone the opposite way.

It put him right side up in the video chat, but the view was extra blurry. “Is that… okay?”

“I’m the one suggesting it!” Mikey stuck out his tongue, but his reflection seemed to confuse him on which way the appendage should go. “It’s been awhile. I haven’t been able to see you.”

“Yeah… well…” Though for you it would have been predictable, Mikey hadn’t felt the firsthand effects of your setbacks yet.

Panic attacks always caused you to withdraw into yourself.

You weren’t supposed to.

There were times when it was easy to keep going.

Others, such as now, left you homebound for as long as society allowed.

The push to normalcy now included your thoughtful friend.

“Do you know after my tremors went away, I spent months avoiding art because I was afraid of how it would look?” Mikey told you casually.

You weren’t sure what he was talking about.

You tried to recall something about tremors, but came up short.

You wanted to ask more, but there was a more startling aspect than the content itself.

You couldn’t believe there was ever a period where Mikey avoided art as he had been nothing, but a loud proponent of all its merit.

“Why?”

“Because I knew my level and then… I didn’t. I knew I’d have to get back there. It was like riding a skateboard, but needing to take that time? For a second time. Chancing the bad result? It was like my healing was one thing and then by doing that it would show me just how much further I still needed to go. Like that dude with the cat and the box. I didn’t want to open it and find out. I couldn’t do it.”

“Isn’t the saying… something… about riding a bike?”

“We were skateboard tots!” Mikey rolled over and with it so did his camera, inverting the image.

You nodded lightly.

“I switched up crafts. Started new ones that weren’t so finger focused. Pour paints and candle work!” He made grabby hands at the lens as he fixed his phone angle.

“Something low key…” You hummed where you were sitting at the foot of your bed.

“Yeah, something quiet, calm, and… oh! Oh yeah!” There was another flip, but this one was out of excitement.

“D-don’t… bust through a wall…!”

Mikey appeared within a flurry of static. “Did you just make a Kool-Aid Man joke?”

“I make jokes!”

The wattage of his smile turned up to a blinding degree. “Well then I’ve got just the wall to bust through!”

“No.” Donnie glowered over his shoulder.

“Please!” Mikey bounced his plea with his head straight up to the ceiling of the garage you were currently in.

An oddity in the subway, but something you imagined had to exist based on logic, your eyes were openly roving around the tidy depot.

“Absolutely not.” Lifting out from under a hood and minding his head, Donnie craned an elbow to the engine block he was working on. “You know you’ve been banned.”

“One time!” Mikey groaned.

“No!” Donnie felt the need to rip off his leather work gloves to throw an unencumbered finger in Mikey’s face. “You were banned once after crashing eleven separate times!!”

“Eleven?!” You squeaked.

Mikey flipped back and forth between the two of you, obviously caught in who to address first. “My driving is fine!” He chose you and then flipped to Donnie. “I’ve changed!”

From the duffel that was slung around your body, you had already been clinging to the strap as it gave you something comforting to hold on to. With the new knowledge that you had almost been driven somewhere rural by someone with that kind of driving record, you now scooped up the entire sack to soothe yourself.

“Forget that.” Donnie flicked his gaze to you. “You’d need a full crash suit to survive him.” He then folded his gloves into a pair and went to check his tool box.

You wilted further.

“We’re already packed!” Mikey rounded a new argument. “This is going to be our big, no-stress, relaxing getaway and you’re making it exactly not that!”

“That’s unfortunate. The bus station isn’t far.” Donnie knelt down to get a wrench.

“And how’s that going to work!? We get dropped at some station and walk to the cabin!? You know it’s in the middle of nowhere!” Mikey stepped up to throw menace over his brother.

Donnie smelled it a mile away and lifted his head, pouring twice the malice. “Oh, you want to play?”

Mikey gulped and nodded his head once. “Let us borrow a car, the tank, a shell cycle, whatever! You’re being unfair!”

“Your planning is poor.” Donnie was slow to get on one knee. “You’re ill equipped.” To the other, he got a foot under him. “You’ve informed no one.” Rising to his towering height above his brother, he loomed. “You walk into my garage, where I am in the midst of my own personal and much needed zen in the form of refurbishing my newest baby and expect me to drop the keys of another into your hands knowing full well that you have destroyed more vehicles on more occasions than I can count on our joined mutant fingers and toes because you just so happened to suddenly decided that you needed to take a weekend trip with your friend of which whom you have a similar slapdash scheme going on with to go to our family’s cabin up north on a whim!?!”

Having watched Donnie not take a single breath, you backed up nearly the same distance that Mikey’s head had shrunk down into his shell.

“Y-yes?” Mikey peeped.

“No.” Donnie said the word firm and quiet, but punctuated it with a tap to Mikey’s plastron which caused the stiff turtle to fall over. “Now leave me to my work.”

Only a shell laying there, you leaned forward to look over Mikey without compromising your spot.

Donnie swung his wrench and moved over to a creeper with the intention to disappear under what looked like a turtle-themed moon buggy.

“You-” Your voice echoed in the garage and you tensed up.

Mikey’s head emerged from his shell to peek at you.

Donnie halted his motion, but didn’t turn.

“You… um… could… come with us?”

You watched Donnie’s lips wobble with disdain.

“N-Not a-as a d-driver! Y-you said…”

In a loud pop, all of Mikey’s limbs emerged. “That’s a great idea!!!”

In a smooth rotation, Donnie both turned and lifted his wrench with a threat.

Mikey crab walked several paces away.

“I’m disappointed.” Donnie sent a glare in your direction. “If your thought is even-” He caught a glimpse of his wrench. “-5/16ths as moronic as his then you are banned from the garage itself. Know that, would you still like to continue speaking?”

Gaze plummeting, your heart tried to escape and you screwed the whole of you shut to keep it inside.

Your entire body shook with the force of your nerves and you had to wait until your BPMs dropped to a manageable limit before you could manage speech. “You… said… m-much needed… so maybe… the trip would… well… be calming… for you too?”

There was a clink of metal hitting the ground.

Banned.

You were banned from the garage.

That was fine.

In theory, it wasn’t.

In theory, you were mortified.

Despite your best efforts, you had never been banned from anything.

Now you were.

A glaring dark spot on your permanent record.

Was Mikey a bad influence?

“You do say driving gets your mind off things…” Mikey said with a sudden supportive starkness.

You kept your gaze firmly rooted to the floor in shame.

“Also hold up!” In a slap of feet against concrete, Mikey righted himself. “You take a few of those things back, Don! I may have pushed the idea through, but it was not poorly planned or ill equipment or whatever you said! Y/N worked crazy hard on putting together everything in the short time frame I laid out!!”

You twitched.

“There’s maps, multiple trails marked, a calculated amount of water, with extra rations, flares… Like do you think this other bag is mine? Heck no! I’m not bringing anything! Both these bags are Y/N’s! They’re both stuffed with… stuff! Like-like!” You felt Mikey come over to you. “How you contacted the ranger’s station to tell them we’d be in the area? I’ve never even thought of that! We’ve never done that have we, Dee?”

Donnie continued his bout of silence that you didn’t dare look upon.

“What else…?” Mikey slapped his forehead. “I mean, come on! I can’t even remember it all!”

“I… got that satellite phone… you were pretty excited… about it.” You mumbled to the ground.

“With the backup batteries, Donald!” Mikey hummed a self-important sound. “The backup batteries!!”

The garage made it very clear that Donnie was walking over to you.

You bounced ever so slightly to garner the courage to meet his eye.

“Who did itinerary?” Donnie asked.

“Me.” Mikey remarked casually.

“I assume food too?” Donnie’s voice was heavy with judgment.

“Nope.” You could see a swoop as Mikey folded smug arms.

“That’s not quite…” You cleared your throat. “Mikey… shared his… favorite dishes that you… all make…when you… go.”

Donnie dipped into your eye line and you startled.

He’d bent at his waist and come down at a perfect angle.

You stared with warped lips.

“How long?” He narrowed his gaze.

“T-the trip?” Your gaze wobbled.

Mikey opened his mouth and Donnie threw out an arm that, by the sound, must have slapped the younger in the face.

“Yes.” Donnie kept his hand in place.

“Tonight… tomorrow… back Sunday?”

“Is that a question?” Donnie’s head tilted.

Mikey grunted, annoyed.

“No…” You got out, quiet.

“You agreed knowing full well you’d be alone with him?”

Slapped with a similar heat from the first time you’d realized that fact, you gave a tight nod.

‘We have separate rooms!’ Mikey mumbled through closed lips with surprising clarity.

“And that’s okay?” Donnie disappeared.

You chased him up to find he’d released Mikey and was waiting on him for an answer.

“It’s a no brainer.” Mikey nearly rolled his eyes.

Donnie’s brow lowered, unsatisfied.

“Yes, it’s okay because it isn’t a thing.” Mikey huffed around his clarification.

“I suppose… I’ve been persuaded.” Donnie looked down thoughtfully and you watched him trace back to where he’d dropped his wrench.

Mikey jumped into the air with a sudden bout of energy and caught your hands to spin you.

“Y-y-yay!” You stutter, stalling on the rotation.

“Cabin, here we come, baby!” Mikey cheered.

“I need my things!” Donnie barked. “And you.”

You jolted. “Y-yes?”

“You will send me triplicate copies of your plans.”

“S-sure…” You spastically patted yourself down for your phone.

“I refuse to engage with either of your antics.” Donnie’s own appeared in his hand. “I am no third wheel. I am coming because I will apparently have to deal with your whining otherwise and because I am not in the mood for the lecture from Nardo and Raphael when they return.”

“Have they texted yet?” Mikey peered over Donnie’s shoulder.

“No. Security detail means one must pay-” Donnie suddenly dropped and ducked through Mikey’s legs in one fluid movement. “-attention. This is why you weren’t requested.”

“And why didn’t they request you, hm?” Mikey pushed his lips into one corner of his mouth.

“Because…!” Donnie trailed off with widened eyes. “My talents lie elsewhere! Enough interruptions. I will drive and then you will leave me be! I am to have my zen! Is that understood?”

“Yeah, yeah, crystal.” Mikey finally did roll his eyes.

Donnie took a few steps away as you found your phone and held it unsure of how to send him the details.

“He’s totally going because he heard ‘yakiniku’ when you mentioned we were making my favorite foods.” Mikey walked over to you with a smirk.

You watched Donnie take an irritated pause before continuing on to get his things.

The ride in the tank had passed with booming music and a tour from Mikey that you only visually participated in because you were terrified to move about the cabin. The younger seemed not to notice as he explained parts with stories more than function. Donnie alternatively, had shades on that further marred his calculated expression and he said nothing as the studious driver.

Leaving the city and entering scenic woodlands, you were soon left to admire the views until you eventually deviated off the road toward the cabin. Tracking it with the little local map you had found, you busied yourself in the comfortable way that most people disliked on road trips: silence in a cozy bubble all your making.

There didn’t have to be talk, that’s what road trip mixes were for.

You only made exceptions for car games.

You liked that they had simple rules and there were little stakes to be had.

You only wished cars were safer modes of transport.

There was also something to be said about environmental impact and the culture of automobiles in America, but other than that, you found them nice.

Pulling up to what you imagined was a quiescent place, Mikey could not be restrained a second longer.

Out of the tank in a flurry, you watched through the windshield as his form screamed straight up the cabin’s steps. “He doesn’t do great on car rides, huh?”

“Sitting still for too long? Michael?” Donnie rose from the captain’s chair.

You gave a small smile and gathered up the few things you’d taken inside with you. Your actual bags were stored in an outer compartment and Donnie waited for you as a safety net as you made the harrowing steps down the tank ladder and to the ground. Landing with little fault, you joined him in getting the luggage until Mikey tore back over to grab some of the load. He talked loudly of dust that had accumulated and Donnie griped at him that it was obvious they’d need to clean.

You fondly watched the two bicker and set-up became the next directive. Throwing back plastic sheets that coated furniture, Donnie had a multitude of inventions to clear the space quickly. You had to run to the windows to release the dust tornadoes formed. Making it out mostly unscathed, you then helped Mikey hang bug nets. With the late Spring weather warming the air, soon everything was prepped and Mikey did a little closing dance number, capping off the preparatory part of the trip.

“Swimming hole time!” Mikey cheered and then turned knowingly on Donnie. “Then BBQ and prompt lights out so I can make a lumberjack breakfast first thing!”

“We’re grinding beans… we roasted…” You offered softly. “Uh… Coffee… beans… that is…”

“Oh yeah, I forgot we took that class.” Mikey chuckled. “You almost fell into that sack!”

You squashed a noise of distress at the memory.

Understanding the schedule, Donnie dismissed himself with a turned foot and headed to one of the cabin’s many rooms. You were left to look about the quintessential log cabin where the huge living space and connected kitchen then butted up against a row of doors. They spoke of many rooms that traced the back of the cabin and then up a staircase to a second floor. From what you could see, there were about eight rooms in all. The entire cabin then had a wraparound porch that extended into the wilderness. It was land that both belonged to nature and not, but Mikey had been cagey about revealing property lines.

“Welp!” Mikey folded his hands on his hips. “Your boy needs to get wet before he explodes.”

You gawked at him.

“Seriously!” He was looking out over the cabin with a vacant stare that held a sort of unhinged quality. “First the car, then stuck inside? This is not an inside trip. if I am not unleashed in the next, oh I don’t know… 2 minutes, I’m going to lose it!”

“Uh…!”

“You got those trail maps?” He turned, both looking through you and not at.

“Y-yes!”

“I color coded the one to the watering hole. Orange, obviously.” Mikey approached with a waggling brow ridge. “I saw you in the car, keeping perfect pace. It was awesome.”

“Just to s-stay b-busy!”

“Uh huh! Your smile said otherwise! You’ll meet me there then! Same way!” He patted your shoulder once with a whack before bolting out the door.

You stared after him now knowing why he’d chosen to travel in his swimsuit.

Looking down at your road trip ensemble, you still felt sure of your decision to take the few hour drive comfortably.

There was a noise of a door opening and Donatello emerged, changed into a casual outfit punctuated by purple swim trunks.

You stared at him and felt a little like a caught fawn.

Donnie took you in before his gaze dulled with understanding. “He ditched you.”

“I’m… going to meet him.”

“He always does this.” Donnie responded dismissively. “You should have seen him in time out as a tot.”

“Oh?”

“One minute in time out for him was comparative to thirty for the rest of us.” Walking around a large kitchen bar, Donnie studied the rations.

You took a few steps toward him for the sake of it.

“He’s so impatient.” Donnie murmured, poking several waters aside to find a carton of juice boxes that Mikey had insisted on. He quickly tossed the set into the fridge. “He’s not even an aquatic turtle.”

You sort of wished you had done more research past looking up pictures of their species.

“You’re losing daylight.” He emerged from the fridge. “Or are you not swimming?”

“I-I am…!” You squeezed a fist to your chest. “Are… you coming too?”

Donnie blinked slowly at you. “No, why?”

“Oh…” You shouldn’t have assumed. He’d already told you otherwise. “Sorry… your bottoms… I thought…”

“Board shorts.” He punctuated the words with an odd accent.

You gave an unsure nod.

“I’m glad their sign was translated.” He glanced down at himself.

“Sorry…” You murmured when he made no further movement and quickly left to avoid any awkwardness.

You weren’t sure what you expected.

It’s not like you wanted to exclude Donnie.

You knew that pain too well.

You also didn’t want to make him feel unwelcomed.

You were painfully aware of that too.

He hadn’t wanted to be a third wheel and you had made it a silent mission to keep that from happening.

Something else you’d experienced in the past, you’d been the unwilling chaperone on more than one occasion just to satisfy parent’s minds. The good one, in their minds, you had always been ditched and the feeling wasn’t one you cared for. Shoving past the bygone era, you were seen now and you tried to relish that.

The sun’s attention was a fickle thing, but you were getting more use to losing Mikey’s. Something you thought should scare you, instead you felt your friendship with Mikey was stronger than ever. You no longer feared losing him in the same intangible way and you weren’t sure if you should crop that up to Mikey’s feelings about you. Instead it felt as though you’d reached a better status quo where Mikey’s running off felt more like the sun moving on its predetermined rotation. It would eventually round back to you and in that way you expected Mikey’s claustrophobia even if you hadn’t known about it.

You picked a room at random and rummaged through the duffel that you placed on your bed. There was a woodsy smell that teetered on musty in a way that spoke of it being well lived in even if its occupants only came every so often. You had your own little stand up mirror, nightstand, dresser, and a closet though you doubted you’d use anything past the first. Pulling out a single slick piece of black fabric, you double checked the door was closed before changing.

The perfect swimsuit was one you hadn’t imagined you’d find. Not one for flashy things, you only wanted a muted cover that also happened to cover you. Water did unimaginable things to fabrics and you hated the way it clinged. You wanted something you could disappear in, that brought no unnecessary attention, and could be forgotten on your end. Finding it in a matter of minutes into shopping as opposed to the years it took when you were younger, the item had even been on sale.

Stepping into it and pulling it up, you shimmied into the fabric and turned for that same show stopping image you’d seen in the changing room.

What stared back was an image of allure.

No.

That was wrong.

That’s not what it had looked like.

It had covered you.

It hadn’t accentuated anything.

It was simple.

You squirmed, changing angles in hopes that it would get better, but each only revealed more.

What had changed?

You’d purchased it this week.

Were you hallucinating?

Was there something in the wooden walls?

Had the tank crashed and this was you playing out some morbid purgatory?

You pinched yourself.

A sting bit your forearm and you threw your gaze back at the mirror for the unwilling shapes it concocted.

This wasn’t right.

You wanted to swim.

There was no way you could.

Miserably turning away from your image, you rooted through your bag for a cover up. Finding one in some oversized t-shirt you’d brought for comfort, you held it and hated that this wasn’t the way you imagined it would be employed. You figured it’d be a back-up pajama top and not something to hide your shame away in. Clinging to the fabric, you hastily pulled it over your head with an imaginary clock ticking away because Mikey was waiting.

You were ruining everything.

Stumbling out into the living room, you found yourself alone.

Momentarily thrown, but shaking off how Donnie wasn’t a priority right now and the guilt that came with that, you went for your pile of maps. Finding the trail one with the orange lines, you gathered some shoes and careened down the porch.

Buzzing insects mocked your sloppy descent as you rotated the map to be on your course. Following it more than your way, you took the necessary inlet and folded its winds to a drawn T. Bushes and trees concealed you, but the splashing of what was beyond reached your ears faster than you’d hoped. A journey not long to its destination, you slowed as you came to the final bend. You could hear Mikey blabbing presumably to himself as he hooted before resounding sloushes followed. In your mind he jumped off some kind of ledge, you took a deep breath before making the final steps leading to the watering hole.

Somewhere quaint if you had the perspective for such a thing, a tree towered comfortably overtop a sizable pool. One mucked up from algae as the little stream feeding into it didn’t stir the water near enough, you watched roiling green as Mikey emerged with a flip of his wet hair.

“Y/N!” Mikey shouted happiness. “You made it! Come on in! The water’s fine!!” He swam backwards as if giving you room.

The guilt was staggering.

No, Mikey.

I won’t be swimming today.

My body looks like shit and I can’t stand it.

I’ll watch you though.

Have all the fun.

You deserve it.

Signing off your name, you slunk forward only to clip a sight of mixed purples.

Donnie craned his neck back to view you from beneath a large sun hat he’d put on. Sitting on a few rocks that made up the closest edge to you, his lids lowered in a way that said he was reading you like a book.

Hating how he did that, you squeezed the bulky hem of your shirt and walked up. “Uh… M-Mikey…?”

“A-yup!” He stopped splashing to hear you better.

“The… um… car ride… sort of took… more out of me than… I thought? Would it be alright if-!”

“You don’t have to swim.”

You blinked wide and over to him.

“If you don’t want to, don’t!” Mikey continued on. “Let’s compare: are you upset I’m swimming when you don’t want to?”

“O-of c-course not!”

“Then why should I care in the reverse?” He fell back and floated, eyes closed, on his shell.

That was right in a way.

Sweet in another.

You wished you’d put together the same reaction.

Inching closer, it felt like pouring water into an overtaxed bucket.

Another guilty drop in your damnation.

You’d seen your friend in a bad light.

Shirking all the more, you toed off your shoes and let your feet lay flat on one of the worn rocks. It put you near Donnie who’d become the moon on a sunny day’s backdrop. He shined upon the same stone and illuminated its age. The rocks were older and wiser than you’d ever be. They never worried about getting wet. They only knew how to exist, something you wished came as easily to you. Sitting down because you needed more of you to drink from the stone’s wisdom, you kept a lowered head to the water’s edge. It sloshed in a beckoning way and you imagined it too would feel good in a different way.

You really had wanted to swim.

Imaging your tears would do little to fill up the pool while also overflowing it, you heard a tepid sigh beside you.

Eyes wide and shooting up across the pond, you then turned to where you’d sat down next to Donnie.

Someone who you mistakenly forgot about during your pity party.

How was that for a third wheel?

“It’s always something with you.” He spoke softly.

“Sure is.” You gave an awkward laugh.

“That’s…” He made a little concerned noise. “… I didn’t mean it in a cruel way.”

“You didn’t have to. It is.” You threw your legs off the rock and threatened to drown your toes in the water. “It’s a cruel fate. I’m…” You remembered yourself. “Sorry. Nothing. What are you doing here?”

“My species is aquatic.”

You snuck a glance. “You’re pretty dry then.”

“You are too.”

You frowned deeply and watched Mikey pick up a sun drunk grin as he spread his limbs out to float on. “I don’t know why I feel like this. Everything was fine before…”

“With what?”

“This…” You threw a hand over yourself. “Stupid ugly swimsuit.”

You could feel Donnie’s gaze linger.

“Just trust me.” You folded your legs against yourself.

“I’m not sure I do.”

You squinted at the glistening water before looking at him.

“I barely know you.” He responded simply, waiting there.

“Oh.”

“Disappointed?”

“In what?” Your ugly side was leaking far beyond the reach of what your shirt could cover. “I didn’t think you trusted me. You may have been wrong about me being bad, but that wouldn’t make you less suspicious. So it’s not that. What’s left? The swimsuit sucks. It’s not like you wanna drool over it. I don’t want anyone too. I wanted to swim.”

Hearing your wish aloud, you pressed hard on your chest with your legs.

You could flatten out your entire form if only you were malleable.

“The water is opaque. I can alert Mikey and we’ll turn away so you can get in.”

You felt too far gone for solutions.

You weren’t worth the trouble.

Burying your chin into your knees, you stewed.

“You know how many times the others have made fun of my board shorts?”

You told yourself you didn’t care.

If that was the case then Donnie didn’t either. “Hundreds, though it might be my attitude when wearing them. I like the excuse. To have my day off and not worry about pleasantries. To not have to tailor myself to others. I can tell them to shove it. It’s my day off and how I look isn’t anyone’s damn business.”

Sounded like an odd hill to die on.

“Everyone should have those days.” Donnie craned his arms behind him and leaned back to soak up the rays he was in.

The tree overhead was clipping your light.

Donnie was free.

Mikey was free.

Head lifting a little, you pondered your friend.

He’d needed to get out and he did.

Now he was a vision, glowing amongst the pool.

In contrast there was you, wadded up and tossed away without even giving yourself the chance.

Another terrible reminder that this was the point.

This was what you were trying to avoid.

This was what you were trying to learn from.

Mikey didn’t even have to do anything to be himself.

He just was.

Instead of his usual bustle of light, he shined by matter of existence.

That was why you chased him.

You wanted that.

Staring at him until sun spots mucked up your vision, you turned the mass to Donnie.

Beside you in the same pose, he was more calculated.

He had to put on his wares.

His was an unseen struggle you hadn’t considered.

No one gleamed quite like Mikey.

That didn’t mean they didn’t shine in their own right.

Donnie’s darkened scales only threw prisms in a different way.

The cool moon’s glow.

Letting your legs fall, this time your feet drew to the allure of the water.

Just out of reach, you stared hard, making sure the pair would keep their eyes closed.

The both of them were still as if asleep, but you waited past whatever insect was chirping before you slowly tugged your hem out from under you. Emerging without more than the sound of rustling fabric, you rolled your shirt up around your waist. The next move was one harder to conceal, you threw a desperate glance at your friend.

Water rocked the resting Mikey like a babe and you wanted to feel that too.

You wanted to be nestled by the sun’s glow.

You wanted to feel weightless and have those burdens removed.

You yanked the shirt over your head and dropped it to your side.

Donnie stirred at the sound, but didn’t open his eyes.

“It’s… It’s okay… I’m not… okay… but I think I… I don’t want to care…”

He cracked a lid and stared skyward.

“It looked so different in the store.”

“How so?” He asked a whispy cloud.

“It looked… I don’t know… covering? Like it didn’t… show any bits. Like it… hid them away.”

He blinked slow and comfortable. “I’m a designer, you know.”

“What?”

“Genius Built Apparel. Where fashion meets function.”

You stared on.

Of course he was.

He also built a tank and a legion of dusting robots.

If this were any other family you’d think he was pulling your leg.

You’d seen more than enough to believe.

Most of your stare came from the cocky name.

Though even that made sense.

Donnie was a carefully constructed sphere.

Who were you to take away his gloating?

He tilted his head just enough to glimpse your face. “I’m serious. I’ve dissuaded Mikey from many a faux pas.”

You shook your head.

“May I?”

“What?” You switched to eyeing him.

“I can take a clinical eye. Examine stitching. Find your err.”

You bounced one of your legs.

You did want to know where it had all gone wrong.

You could theoretically fix it then.

Wash this all away in the water you so desperately wanted to get in.

“You won’t make it weird?”

“I don’t drool on the metaphorical clock; you were right about that, but I understand your concern. I have accosted you before.”

“Different kind of weird. That was mean weird. You were a jerk weird.”

Donnie chuffed and it rolled down his plastron.

You watched it fall into his lap before forcing your gaze back to his face in a rush. “Promise… Promise I can pull your hat down if you… do anything.”

“I won’t so a simple enough agreement. Sure.”

“Go… ahead…” You folded your arms to your sides, obviously nervous as you listened to his clothes move.

In a twist, he was examining you and he gave a faint hum.

Not wanting to see exactly how he saw you and growing miserable, you stared into the water.

You could throw yourself in and be done with it.

“Here.” He spoke.

You moved to the sound on instinct and found him pointing to your hip.

His eye was indeed one you imagined a tired scientist gave the samples he was cursed to study.

You immediately relaxed. “What?”

“This ruching here is meant to cover cellulite when the fabric gets wet. When dry it acts a similar concealment, but the way the strips are sewn are for the first purpose.”

“Oh…” You tilted your head to look.

“Thing is, it’s also leading lines.” He didn’t get any closer, but he mimed tracing the seams of the fabric that curled around your hip and beneath where you were sitting. “It’s meant to direct the gaze to certain assets.”

You blew out an annoyed breath.

“Dressing room mirrors, where I imagine you first saw this, aren’t slapped on walls without thought. They're engineered with angles and lightning to make clothes look as flattering as possible.” He brought his eye to yours. “Where did you see yourself today?”

“There’s a… mirror in my room.”

Donnie’s lip twitched with distaste. “That floor length one?”

You nodded.

“Dad uses that one to feel tall.” He sneered openly. “It tilts up from below, the worst possible perspective.”

You blinked a few rapid times.

“It took the ruching and blew it up.”

“So it’s not… that bad?”

“It’s anything, it's tasteful!” He spoke with an irritation that said that should have been obvious. “It fits your body well. Does it have a certain allure? Yes, I’ve already spoken of assets, but it is not a piece that invites unnecessary solicitation.”

“Assets, assets. What are you, an ass man?” You retorted automatically.

“There is nothing quite like sinking your teeth into that soft, inviting flesh.” He took your response and held it between his teeth.

In a blink, you saw an imaginary Donatello around your hips pointing to the fabric and on contact with the thought your face exploded.

“I say generally speaking, of course.” He clicked his tongue as if scolding you and turned away toward the water.

Hot.

You were too hot.

Run.

Throwing yourself forward, you submerged as indelicately as possible into the water.

Sinking like a stone into the silence, your burning flesh was quickly soothed by a cold lap.

A sweet embrace, you kicked to the surface and emerged with a pathetic gasp.

Never graceful, you shook yourself free of clingy drops and spun back around to view the rocks.

Donnie was staring up at the sky again and you sort of hated him for it.

Swim.

You’d swim with Mikey.

Spinning around, the other turtle was not only longer floating, but you couldn’t locate him at all. Quickly worrying that you had toppled him in your dive, you swam forward. “Mikey?”

Quieting to listen, you didn’t hear anything past the faint roiling of the water against its container.

Thinking he must have dove, you looked down to find Donnie’s earlier comment to be a correct one. With the water murky to a fault and a new fear cropped up. You had no idea what was in the water and you immediately darted for the closest shore. Something several long feet from Donnie, it was a sort of marshy landing that rocks from below steeping up to meet. They were covered in a slime that clung to your feet and had you pausing until you heard an off-toned lap behind you.

You whirled around with wide eyes and found a sea monster waiting for you.

Something matted with algae, it groaned pathetically and you sucked in enough air until the balloon was full enough to scream.

“What!? Who?! Where?!” The creature splashed with Mikey’s voice.

He’d been captured by another mutant.

You turned to get out of the water with some intention of getting to the tank.

It had to have missiles or something.

Anything to help.

You’d take a bowling ball launcher at this point.

Catching grip with one foot, you hoisted up the other. The many rocks acted like a disjointed ladder and your entire torso emerged from the water before one of your feet slid. The moment it happened felt like you were falling out of time. In slow motion, you knew your face was one of surprise. You painted an open expression where the imminent terror that you were falling couldn’t catch up as neurons to save yourself from the action.

Your mind knew, but your face didn’t know that you were going to crack your head open on the rocks you just slipped on.

“Y/N!”

Two voices.

Too far.

Something skewered your side as the first injury of many.

Hoping only to black out on that first step, you willed your possessions to your friends.

You didn’t bother hoping they would remember you.

You only hoped that they could make some use out of your worldly imprint.

No matter how small it was.

Water rushed to greet you and shoved you away.

That wasn’t right.

That was the wrong direction.

Water swayed like waves.

The equal and opposite reaction wouldn’t come until you fell in.

Why had it preemptively come for you?

Your arms dangled heavily from gravity and you forced your eyes from wherever they had gone.

The monster was right in front of you.

Its face was one of Michelangelo.

Green sludge caught in his blackened locks and his worried expression peered out from between a small part.

He had you by the waist and was holding you up in the air. “Are you okay!?”

You were a loose toy strung up.

Flopping down, lifeless, you were a doll that couldn’t close its eyes until it was laid down.

A second deafening splash came as you hung there.

Mikey’s lips were moving awfully fast.

“Did they hit their head?!” Donnie’s voice broke through.

“No! Above water the whole time! Donnie! They aren’t saying anything, I don’t-”

“Shock?” Donnie wondered, but he never came into frame.

Where was he?

Mikey jostled you as one might bounce a colicky baby.

It was pulling a string on your back and you hacked on contact.

You wheezed, forcing air in where terror had torn it from you.

You fought.

Not Mikey exactly, but the situation.

It strung your arms back.

It shoved your torso forward.

It threw your head skyward.

You gasped, alive.

You saw blue.

It was the sky.

You hadn’t died.

Mikey had saved you.

Finally.

You came down from your arching to translate your joy.

Mikey’s face slid into your vision and he was the picture of a boiled red tomato dotted with summertime spots.

He was looking at you.

He had ogled you.

He was embarrassed.

Your blood pressure plummeted twice as fast as it had when you thought you were about to die.

This was worse.

This time you heard yourself scream as you lashed out.

Water flew up as if to welcome you, to bring you where you were meant to be.

Drowned.

Returned you to that place where you weren’t an object to be viewed.

You were a person floating free.

Liquid carried life.

It supported it.

It didn’t have it.

Vertigo struck you as you moved within a blink.

In a disorientated spiral, your lids fell heavy as your inner ear tried to correct the imbalance.

There were no longer hands around your waist.

Something clicked like an engine uselessly turning over.

Weary, you realized you were standing in a safe spot in the water.

You drew up the dreary blinds of your curtain and found a muscled arm thrown out protectively in front of you.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!!!” Mikey cried, loud and desperate.

“What the hell was that then!?” Donnie’s voice rang close.

That firm limb tucked you further behind someone.

You were being shielded.

A squabble happened in front of you, but you only looked down at the jade appendage acting as your guard rail.

You touched the arm and it felt familiar.

“Don-nie?” Your voice came out synthetic.

His was the body you were behind and his face appeared in a whip of his head. “Are you alright? Can you swim? I’ll move.”

“I’m not…?” You weren’t swimming.

You weren’t doing anything.

You were standing in the water.

“What…?”

You looked past Donnie and glimpsed Mikey with a faint blush still stuck to his cheeks.

“Y-you…!” It felt accusatory on your lips.

“I’m sorry!!!” Mikey screeched.

“Turn around, dummy!” Donnie growled hot and was in motion.

You were soon ushered into a spin with an indelicate hand to your back and all but rushed over to the rock you had jumped off of.

You heard a splash of what you assumed was Mikey growing distant behind you.

You hoped that would cool him off.

“You ready?” Donnie’s voice appeared like it was newly there.

“For what?” You were already used.

What was left?

Was it time to take out the recycling?

“I’m going to lift you up. Your shirt is right there.” Donnie instructed.

“My shirt…” You were forlorn.

It was your back-up comfort item.

“Ready?” Donnie asked again.

The water rocked you and you barely bumped his firm plastron.

You nodded dumbly.

Your hips were taken in what you read as a clinical way.

You were barely bounced once, then twice, in a way that ballet dancers got momentum to lift their partners.

Sure enough, you were lifted cleanly out of the water.

Only this time you felt well handled.

You weren’t swung around like a toddler holding up their favorite doll.

A child who cared for his toys put you on a shelf.

When your knees touched down, you drank in the life of the rock and scrambled for your shirt.

All the things that had just occurred crashed into you.

Shoving your head through the hole, you yanked the shirt down your body as you were already in motion. Forest floor digging into your bare feet, you didn’t need the map to retrace your steps. You followed the single, winding, prickly path and emerged out by the cabin only to fly inside it. A sanctuary amongst the unrelenting woods, you left a rotting drip trail as you entered your room. Your door clattered from where you had thrown it open and you ripped your duffel bag to shreds to get to its confines.

Pulling on layer after layer, you could see Mikey’s blush with each piece of clothing.

He’d looked at you.

You shoved your feet into a third pair of socks.

His gaze was amorous.

Into a thermal that was very much against the season, you ran out of clothes and stormed the dresser.

Sexual.

There were oversized men’s clothes that struck you as maybe being Raph’s and you thanked their huge size.

You put shirt after shirt on.

Mikey had said, point blank, that he wanted to see how far his feelings went.

Why were you so stupid?

You screamed.

Raw and uncut.

Tearing at your larynx, you ripped a few too many layers off as they impeded your melt down.

You needed space to breathe.

You needed to be swallowed whole.

Stumbling out to that accursed mirror, the shape you found there was a frumpy one.

Smiling a teary look at it, you watched it warp your face into one of dismay and you cried.

Where had you last felt okay?

It wasn’t here.

Moving around the room you searched for it.

That intangible something that would help.

Knocking everything over, you finally got a hold of a much too large pillow and hugged it to your body.

It was large and not at all as firm as you wanted.

You needed a hard wall.

You needed that unrelenting nature.

You weren’t something to be judged with heat.

You needed a cold light the sun couldn’t supply.

The wall knocked.

You spun around with your pillow defense to find the back of a head waiting there.

“I come as an emissary.” Donnie spoke slow and methodical.

“You can-!” It wasn’t Mikey.

Your pillow fell slack into one hand.

It wasn’t Mikey.

You let it drop with a thump to the floor.

It wasn’t Mikey.

“…come in.”

You took a wobbly step to spread out your clothed legs in hopes of keeping yourself upright.

Donnie didn’t move.

“You can… come in…” You repeated, not sure if you had gotten the first phrase out.

“No.”

“No…?” You took another step and saw how Donnie was clearly beyond the boundary of your open door.

With his back to you.

Not impeding on you in any way.

“This is your space.” He spoke it like a finality.

You stared at the knot of his mask tails and tried to place what you felt.

“Being out here with us…” Donnie let the sentence hang before he lowered his gaze to the floor. “I want to… respect that much.”

“Why’d you say it like that?”

“I prefer the term ‘sanctum,’ but I couldn’t fit it in.”

“A sacred place…?”

The back of his head nodded. “My lab is supposed to be one.”

Sanctums weren’t places to be invaded.

If they were then they were violated.

He understood.

Is that what you felt?

Camaraderie?

Even his mania in the beginning had been one you made sense of.

Was that why you hadn’t complained?

No, you were rewriting history from your current perspective.

It was also the only one you knew.

It was one where you envied one man.

It was where you once feared another.

Now their roles were reversed.

You never had to explain your misery to Donnie.

You didn’t have to make him understand.

He was the moon.

You rushed towards him.

Donnie heard the footsteps and made it about half a turn before you reached him. “As… I was saying, I talked to Michael and come in his stead to-”

You collided with that unrelenting wall of plastron. Finding an odd hinge between the front of his shell and the back, you did your best to tuck into that space and weaseled under his arm. You felt it rise above you, out of your way and a rotation brought you more towards his front. There you felt him stop to take your over-clothed form in.

“I’m sorry!” You choked on tears, rooting the sound as deep against Donnie’s wet clothes as possible.

He let your misery hang for exactly one second.

Then he surrounded you in a soft moon glow.

He pulled you toward his chest and you burrowed closer to him.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I completely overreacted. It was just too much… Too much attention… the way he looked. He said… I thought he wouldn’t… I didn’t want…!”

A hand pet through the layers of your back.

Even and careful.

No further connotation other than to soothe.

Squirming to get your arms out from where you were crushing them, you wiggled them free to embrace him.

You squeezed a sigh right out of him.

“I know.” He spoke into your damp head. “I know…”

You nodded and basked in the tide. Pulled by the moon’s orbit, the waves rolled in and out with a sway. A gentle rocking, you were cast a comfortable drift by it. This was the one you had longed for from the swimming hole. Here, you floated amongst sturdy shores. Held safe, the guiding white light poured around you. One that pushed back against the darkness, it shone on you. Lucky to be in its reach, it wasn’t the type you soaked up. It instead washed over you in a cleanse. Feeling lighter and a little stifled, you extracted yourself from moisture to moisture.

Everything around you from your leaking face to the clingy pond water was soaked and you frowned down Donnie’s body. Standing in a little pool mostly created by him, you wanted to stick your tongue out at it, but you feared the bacteria clearly clinging to your skin.

“The cabin is yours tonight.”

Before you could register the words, you felt him strengthen his resolve with a puff of his chest.

“I don’t want to hear complaints otherwise.”

You wanted to pout.

“I checked the systems when we were doing our preliminary cleaning. The water will be hot. Shower, bathe, do whatever you’d like. We’ll be staying outside.”

You gave a faint nod to the wet floor.

“We’ll grill and I’ll make you a plate. Preference?”

You shook your head. “I don’t… feel like eating…”

“Bland it is.”

Now you were pouting.

“Y/N.”

“Yeah?” Your head felt heavy.

“I still have a message from Mikey to deliver.”

“I really don’t want to hear it.” Irritation brought you to look at him.

Donnie took you in with a sort of smile. “You’ll want to.”

You dropped your features in a way that said you didn’t believe him.

“He said he’s not ready to talk as he’s having his own crisis, but he’ll let you know when he’s ready to apologize.” Donnie tilted his head, almost amused.

You blinked straight out of your bitterness to stare openly.

Donnie gave a single knowing nod.

“Enjoy your shower.” With one last sweep over you as if to check you were all still there, Donnie turned and headed for the door.

Watching him go, you saw the faint amber hue of sunset.

“It’ll all work out.” Donnie tossed just as he grabbed the knob to exit.

You turned and stormed straight to the bathroom. Drowning in clothes and scum, you locked the door tight and turned the shower knobs to their highest setting. Leaving the water to warm, you started removing your outermost shirt. As soon as it hit the ground you felt possessed. You tore off your clothes with each subsequent layer removed at a faster and faster pace. You needed to be freed. You needed that ridiculous protection off of you as soon as possible. All of it soiled, you stripped down bare and left your feet for last.

The moment they were naked and pressed to tile, you leapt into the old style tub. Instantly boiled by the too hot water, you let it scorch you with clenched teeth at first until the burn seared and you adjusted the dial for something reasonable. Still a lobster in a pot, you scrubbed your skin until you thought it might flake and then doused it in suds until you couldn’t see its color. A sea of white foam, the second scrounge came through, washing the detritus away.

Pickled in the process, you emerged and greedily took up every towel in the room. It meant toeing around the disgusting mound of clothes you’d left, but Donnie had said the cabin was yours. Until tomorrow when you’d clean the place up, you instead mourned how you hadn’t even brought your toothbrush in with you. Scowling at a fog coated mirror, you cracked the door and watched the steam leak out.

Chasing it with your ear, you didn’t hear anything, but there was a distinct lemon scent.

You followed the smell into the hall where you quickly placed it was cleaner. The floor had a sheen to it that spoke of a recent mopping. The clean line ending abruptly at your door said exactly who the culprit was. Donatello had snuck back in to clean and you were thankful for it. He’d left your sanctuary untouched and instead set a stool just outside the door.

On it was a stack of comfortable looking clothes and a note.

‘Keep your room or upgrade. I recommend the one upstairs, second bedroom on the right.’

You folded the note along its lines and placed it back on the offered clothes. You then gathered the lot and took it with you along with a brave face as you entered your room. You barely looked up as you salvaged what you could from your duffel. Carrying the mostly limp sack, you then moved to follow your recommendation. It led you through the darkened cabin and up the winding wooden stairs where the door in question was closed. Knocking on it out of politeness, you found it empty and slipped inside. It was decorated similarly, but clearly different. Comfortable in its own sense, you went about your nightly routine as best you could and thanked the space for not having a mirror. Growing more weary by the second, you thought vaguely of meat as you instead pulled back the covers.

Sinking in and imagining charcoal lighting the men’s faces, you settled down into the welcoming embrace of bed.

You eventually got up and padded across a tiled floor.

Pulling out a single slick piece of black fabric, you double checked the door was closed before changing.

The perfect swimsuit was one you hadn’t imagined you’d find.

What luck, you thought, as you slipped it on.

Stepping into it, you shimmied into the fabric and turned for that show stopping image in the changing room.

It was perfect.

It covered you in all the right ways.

Finally, the piece you’d been looking for.

Smiling and striking pose after pose, you saw a hand wave above the curtain.

“Come in!” You called to it.

Sanctum’s were only to be entered with permission.

“Silly.” You looked over your pleasing image once more. “Is it still a violation if I request it?”

“I guess not.” Instead of drawing the curtain back, Donnie slipped through it.

Tucking himself a strong wall behind you, he looked into the mirror at you.

What looked back held no heat, only appreciation.

“Do you like it?” He checked with you without passing judgment himself.

“I do…” You smiled.

He gave one of his own, though subdued, and flicked his gaze down. “Look here.”

You lowered your gaze to find him kneeling behind you. With his head popped out around your hips, he was looking up at you in a way you liked quite a bit.

You felt powerful.

You were a light bright enough for him to want to project.

“This ruching here has leading lines.” He didn’t touch you, but his hands ghosted over you along the fabric’s pattern.

Your lips parted and your chest filled with heat.

A celestial body was meant to look on.

You were safe.

“May I?” He asked you once again.

You were glad and responded with a breathless, “Please.”

His mouth opened a dark orbital maw, a new moon, which then glinted into a teeth-filled waxing crescent headed in its trek to sink into your soft flesh.

You jolted the moment the teeth supposedly hit their mark.

You stared into the dark abyss and saw drifting images of sharpened grins.

You were dizzy.

A sheen of sweat to you, you tossed back a cover.

The black hovel above you took shape as logs in the cabin ceiling.

They lined up like thick thighs appearing from where board shorts had hiked up.

Begging for a taste.

Awareness struck with a sharp inhale.

Fully awake and doused with dread from your dream, you voiced your despair with a whisper.

“Oh no…”

💛 NEXT 💛

I swear I handed this to my betas over a year ago... @tmntxthings and @thepinkpanther83

#sunshinemoonshinefic #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt x reader #donatello hamato #rise donnie #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt Donnie #rottmnt Michelangelo #rise Michelangelo #Michelangelo hamato #rottmnt mikey #rise mikey #me #fanfiction #my fanfiction #tw body dysmorphia

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fluffyxai · 2 months ago

Photo

Affirming Hypnosis

Who is really the master in this scenario? XD (Oops, I forgot to draw the summoning mark that appears on them when Caprii is there. I can't be bothered to add it now.)

I've been inspired lately by all the cute art that @hyenafu makes of their OCs from their webcomic Slightly Dammed with one of them as a big snake and this snake and elf have cute playful and oftentimes affirming and wholesome hypnosis and coiling and it's just so cute and sweet that I've been all over their art haha So I really wanted to take inspiration and do something similar with my own elf and her eidolon Caprii! If you haven't met these two before, Taeryn is my D&D high elf summoner. She's 21 and formed an adventuring group with her friends to help people after she was kidnapped as a child, and would have been sold into some kind of awful trafficing if she hadn't awakened to strange powers through a series of 5 weird dreams, after which she gained the ability to summon this eidolon, Caprii the snake. After Caprii appeared and basically tore apart the bad guys so the child could escape, the two have been living together ever since. And now Taeryn wants to help other people who are trapped and scared like she once was

Over the course of the campaign, Taeryn has become an incredibly gifted mage. But I always love how the relationship is between her and Caprii. Taeryn is supposed to be the master, but she goes giddy for her best friend's coils and hypnotic powers. Also, while Caprii is very standoffish and rude to most people, she ADORES Taeryn and will get very defensive over her. Taeryn however thinks of Caprii as her best friend and doesn't want her to get hurt.

So the two are a very cute pair, and spend most nights with Taeryn cuddled up in her big scaly friend's snuggly coils. (Sometimes a certain tiefling is invited into the hug too XD)

Here, we have Taeryn struggling to break herself out of the throes of intense work researching magic, or perhaps trying to find some way to best their next adversary. But after working herself to the point of exhaustion, maybe she needs a friend to force her to rest. Actually Venetia's player suggested that she probably asked Taeryn to stop and take a break first, but after Taeryn refused, Venetia gave Caprii a nudge to 'persuade' her to stop. I'm sure Venetia will join in the cuddle break time after not too much longer X3 She'll be willing, but maybe Caprii will give the tiefling some hypnotic therapy too~!

#snake #coils #coiling #coiled #wrap #wrapped #wrapped up #elf #oc #taeryn #taeryn sylvii #caprii #serpent #hypnosis #hypnotism #affirming #friends #dnd #fantasy

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azaharinflames · 2 months ago

Note

I fell into the deepest depression I’ve had for years when Buck and Tommy broke up. I just wanted to cry so badly but decades of trauma kept me from doing that. Add on that Trump had just been re-elected, and add in that my Dad had been admitted to hospital with a collapsed lung it just took me down.

I’ve mostly gotten over it. I spent 24 hours writing my idea of a fix it fic (won’t happen on show cause they all suck but it was cathartic). I can’t remember what caused my breakdown but I did end up crying. My eyes felt less puffy after as well.

I understand that it’s a fake relationship in a fake show but something about it spoke to me. And just watch it end hurt me worse. The last time I had actually cried hard was in 2021 when my mother-in-law passed away from COVID. So why did this stupid relationship affect me so much. I feel embarrassed for reacting this badly. I don’t even like to talk to my partner about it because he wouldn’t understand.

Hi, Nonnie! Thank you for your ask.

I am so, so sorry to read that. Listen - it's not stupid. It's not embarrassing So don't think your feelings surrounding it and your reaction to any of it is that, because I promise you: nothing about it should make you feel embarrassed.

Here is the thing: Art, in whatever form, is one of the things that move people the most, historically*. Art is a universal language that doesn't simply exist in a painting or a sculpture but in a myriad of different forms that, especially in the last few decades, have expanded immensely. Art can be a channel for our emotions, can be our choice of escapism, can be the thing we see ourselves reflected in and thus, the thing that we connect to because, hey - that's us. And if we see 'us' overcoming on screen, surely we can overcome in real life, right? That's one of the reasons why representation is so damn important.

Yeah, it was a relationship. But it shouldn't be reduced to just that. Instead of dismissing our feelings by making our issue seem nonsensical and small, let's think - my issue was because a piece of Art I connected to deeply was dealt with in a damaging way. And that carries consequences.

There is also the fact that, I think, for a lot of us, it was more than the break-up. The biggest thing to take into context was the election because it is just a matter of fact that we needed a win so bad that week, and we got the opposite of that. To get a bit more personal, I was already dealing with my town being hit with the worst natural disaster in my country this century, still had to hear from some of my friends to know if they were okay or even alive (fortunately, they're all fine), and I was seeing only tragedy whenever I went online. So this happening hit me really hard as well - but, like you, it was one of the things. Still, I spent three days barely able to take a bite and barely able to sleep, and a week with really high anxiety.

And sure, I did feel silly, but if I do love one thing, I sure do love introspection, I reached the aforementioned conclusion and reflection on Art (let me know if it helped or is a bunch of bs tho).

I think what you're doing, writing a fix-it fic, is amazing! You're channeling your feelings through Art, and I am sure it does feel very cathartic. I haven't written for 911 yet (definitely want to, I have some ideas that could work), but I have some years of writing for Marvel and Seblaine (Glee) on my back, so trust me when I say this is the better choice you could do - channel your feelings through your Art, and you will end up with something beautiful, I'm sure of it.

Sorry this was too long, but I'm here if you (or anyone else) needs to rant, vent, or discuss something (911 or whatever, something else is valid as well)

Take care, Nonnie <3 and all of you as well <3

*I have a bachelor's on this, please trust me on it lmao

#bucktommy #tevan #911 fandom #together we can make something beautiful of something awful #that's the power in Art #and on saying FU to canon and doing our own thing #because let me tell you - a lot of what i've seen of BT writers??#way better than what we've gotten this season #anon ❣️#anon i am sending you the biggest hug

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danikamariewrites · 1 year ago

Note

hello!

it’s your feysand anon again, i read better than books this morning & once again you have done a phenomenal job. i can’t express enough how much i love your writing and how well you bring every single one of your requests to life. you’re writing is magic, truly!

i’ve never requested a headcannon before, so i hope i’m doing this write lmao. could you do what and how feysand would be in a relationship?

thank you d, ily 💜

Feysand x reader headcanon

A/n: Feysand anon you are so fucking sweet. This legitimately made me shed a few tears, no one has said that before and you’ve just made my year and you’re my new bestie. Sending you all the love and I hope you have a fantastic day💜

Warnings: none

Most caring, loving, attentive partners ever omg you would be showered in love by them

You saw how in love with each other they are and you were jealous. You want that kind of love. When Rhys and Feyre asked you to be part of the relationship your heart said yes but your mind was racing

You didn’t want to come between them or anything

In the end you say yes because you love them and they’re showing you that they want you

The IC are very accepting of you since you have been around for awhile and are happy that the three of you are happy

Rhys’s love language is gift giving and Feyre’s is quality time as well as gift giving

They’d shower you in gifts. There doesn’t need to be a reason they just want to

You’ve had to stop Rhys multiple times from giving you something that was far too expensive (Feyre too) but you feel bad when he gets that little sad face bc he can’t give you something

Rhys loves giving you and Feyre matching gifts

Sometimes matching lingerie

You love spending your days with Feyre in her art studio, teaching classes and just talking with her

When you’re not with Feyre you help Rhys with work and have tea time when he takes breaks

You sleep with them but you do have your own room if you need your space

A few months into the relationship you started joining Feyre for training

She told Cassian to go easy on you but once she turned her back and went to spar with Az you gave Cass a shit eating grin, “don’t go easy. I want to be able to flip you.” Cassian howled after you said that and agreed

Hewn city visits are very interesting

Picking on Kier with Rhys and Feyre is very entertaining

Your first visit was a little nerve wracking. Kier thought it would be a good idea to insult you and your “purpose” but Feyre and Rhys weren’t having any of that

When you first entered the throne room you stood between their thrones. Once Rhys called the dinner to start he motions for you to sit on his lap

Their attention is on you as you hold Feyre’s hand and Rhys leaves kisses on your neck

You caught Kier approaching and froze. You heard Rhys and Feyre in your mind, “it’s alright darling just stay calm.” “He’s useless, don’t let anything he says get to you. Bite back and keep your face bored.”

They kept their hands on you as Kier spoke, their faces the epitome of boredom and irritation with him interrupting their time with you

AFTER Rhys dismissed him, Kier got mouthy, “One whore wasn’t enough so now you share one?”

Rhys and Feyre were seeing red at that point. You all stood and Feyre pulled you to her. You made sure to keep your face unbothered but you were a little hurt by his comment

Your eyes wandered around the room and you could see Mor was fuming, Cass and Az looked like they were ready to attack

Rhys stepped off the dias coming toe to toe with Kier, towering over him

It was clear that Rhys was in Kiers mind terrifying him. The male was sickly pale by the end of it, “You’re dismissed for the rest of the evening.”

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minimultiestfandoms · 6 months ago

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~~🎀 fashion icon 🎀~~

requested: yes

i hope this doesn’t suck to bad guys this is my first ever full writing and my first ever smut so please leave ideas and tips and feedback for me and let me know what you guys think! since i’m more of a headcanons and fake texts type of gal!

— Sunnie

inspired by song fashion icon by aliyah’s interlude

description y/n goes on a shopping trip with his friends and comes back to a clingy hyunjin who wants a fashion show from his very own fashion icon of a boyfriend.

warnings!: 18+!, male x male intercourse!, male x male relationships!, male feminization!, mentions of lingerie!, skirts!, handjobs!, boners!, cum play!, breeding kink!, anal sex!, mirror sex!, photography during sex!, nipple play!

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It was an exhausting yet rewarding day, getting to hang out with the girls after so long was fun! going store to store and spending money on cute new things felt great, Y/N knew he would put these items all too great use as he wasn’t one for wasting his money on things he wouldn’t use and knows his boyfriend, Hyunjin would scold him if he did, anyway. Y/n enters his and Hyunjin’s shared apartment, taking his shoes off carefully and walking in holding about six bags, each from a different store in the mall, he looks around, no Hyunjin to be seen, which meant he was most likely in his makeshift art studio in the apartment.

Y/N slowly pats his feet on the floor as he makes his way to Hyunjin’s Studio, Holding his six bags, he slowly creaks the door open revealing a comfy domestic bare faced Hyunjin painting away at it slowly, the moon shun through the window of the room softly onto his skin making him look ethereal at this time in day, Y/N smiles “Hey baby” to which Hyunjin turns and smiles “Hey jagi, when did you get home?” “just now, what are you painting?” Hyunjin chuckles “oh I honestly don’t really know yet… I was about to take a break cause I’ve been in here a while… how was your day out with your friends?” Y/N, enters the room placing his bags down on the floor and sitting comfortably.

“It was great! We talked and drank coffee at first then went window shopping and actually bought some stuff, then we talked a little more and then they drove me back home!” Y/N explained enthusiastically causing Hyunjin to smile brighter as his boyfriend’s excitement and enthusiasm “oh, really? That’s great to hear, jagi, what did you buy?” “just some clothes” Hyunjin smiles “hey show me them! I want a fashion show, with my very own muse and model~” “Jinnie… right now? but you’re painting you really don’t need to..” Y/N pouted feeling bad that Hyunjin would have to stop doing something he loved just so he could watch him try on clothes “no jagi it’s fine, I told you already I’m blank anyway, you could give me some inspiration jagiya~” Y/N shyly smiles and nods, beginning to open one of the six shopping bags and pull out the articles of clothing from it signaling for Hyunjin to turn around with a wave of a finger, Hyunjin whines but listens turning around.

Hearing his boyfriend changing stirred something up in Hyunjin, he wasn’t sure what or why it happened but he tried to calm down when he heard his boyfriend state out a sassy “ahem~” to signal him to turn back around, Which Hyunjin did happily eyeing Y/N up and down slowly and smiling “you look good jagi…. the top and skirt look nice together….” Y/N smiles happily at his boyfriends response only to shift slightly from a change of glance in Hyunjin’s eyes, what was once admiration and love was now lust and desire, Hyunjin licked his bottom lip softly as he eyes Y/N “you know jagi… I might have a way to get inspired... care to help me out with that?” Y/N had never rushed so fast as he rushed towards his boyfriend clinging to him and whining “y-yes jinnie i wanna help~”

Hyunjin smirked carrying Y/N and lifting him over his shoulder as he left his studio and made his way to their bedroom, he placed Y/N softly down on the bed staring down at him as he softly raised his shift over his head and throwing it into some unknown corner of their room, Y/N sits up about to pull his shirt off too but Hyunjin stops him “ah ah ah jagi~ these stay on ok? ~” Y/N nods desperately laying back, Hyunjin leans down to kiss Y/N lustfully as he pull his sweats off himself, leaving him in his boxers as he starts to kiss and suck purple bruises of admiration and lust into Y/N’s neck slowly getting lower.

Hyunjin chuckles and lifts Y/N’s cropped shift just to where his nipples were revealed. Hyunjin slowly blows at them, causing Y/N to shiver and whine. Soon after, Hyunjin began to suck and lick at Y/N’s nipples while he palmed him through his short mini skirt, causing Y/N to moan and arch his back in pleasure. He slowly reached his big veiny hand under Y/N’s skirt and panties, pulling out his hard, fat and leaking cock, giving it a first few soft strokes as he kiss his boyfriend's lips once again.

Y/N moans into the kiss, causing Hyunjin to smirk and pump Y/N’s cock faster in his hands, god Hyunjin was so turnt on, he couldn’t help but grind the hard on in his boxers against Y/N, Hyunjin let’s go of Y/N’s cock for a moment, causing him to whine at the loss of touch, hyunjin needily taps his fingers at Y/N’s mouth placing them in his mouth once he opens his mouth and whines when Y/N sucks on them needily while looking up at him with his big doe eyes.

After a while, Hyunjin pulls out his finger and circles at Y/N’s entrance teasingly, causing him to whine “Jinne please~ don’t tease~” “why not jagi? can’t handle it?” “no please~” Hyunjin chuckles, usually he’d drag it out more but he couldn’t wait anymore he couldn’t wait to be in his loving little fashionable muse, he pumps his fingers in preparing Y/N for his cock and groans as he feels Y/N palm his hard on in his boxers, shit he might cum early….

He pulled his fingers out and desperately pulled out his cock from his boxers, shoving it into Y/N’s entrance causing both of them to groan “…shit… no matter how many times I stretch you out you always snap right back huh? ~ always tight for this cock huh jagi? ~” Y/N whines “mhmm haven’t even started yet jagi and your already speechless” Hyunjin smirks slowly moving, Y/N pouts “I am n-not speechless just… a little tired…from the mall” Hyunjin smiles “then let me take care of you baby~, be my little pillow princess~”

Y/N smiles tiredly and moans as Hyunjin speeds his hips up, the sound of slick, moans, pants and skin smacking on eachother fill the room in echoes, Y/N claws at Hyunjin’s back needily pulling him closer, Hyunjin’s free hand pumping Y/N’s cock, Y/N moans loudly and desperately as his back arches. Y/N couldn’t have thought his day would get any better, but getting fucked desperately by his boyfriend was something he would want to happen more in the future. Hyunjin sucks at Y/N’s neck thrusting and thrusting and thrusting when he feels something like a ribbon snap in him as he cummed in Y/N groaning, pumping Y/N more and more desperately, causing him to cry and spurt out a cumshot he whines.

“Fuck…. Jinnie I’ve never seen you cum so fast before…” “I’m sorry… I couldn’t help it…shit..” “mhmmm you feel nice inside….” as the two pant trying to catch their breath, Y/N notices Hyunjin’s disappointment and guilt as he felt like he should have made it last longer, Y/N chuckles “you know baby… if you reacted like this only to this outfit I don’t know how you’ll react to the other five bags especially the lingerie from Victoria's…” Hyunjin looks at Y/N and slowly smirks “your right… we still have five more bags for you to model for me jagiya~” Oh what a long night ahead of him Y/N had…

——————————————————————————

taglist; @bigkpopstan, @baka-writings, @haechansfbuddy, @jeonronwoo, @jiminslostjam, @bluejaem, @jisungismymom, @hyuckography, @i-luvsang, @neocrush, @moonshineboyz, @chewryy, @sugarcherriess, @jinkoh, @hazyhae, @angelbabyyy99

#minimultiestfandoms #admin sunnie #made by admin sunnie #kpop #stray kids #stray kids smut #stray kids scenarios #hyunjin smut #hyunjin scenarios #stray kids hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #stray kids x reader #hyunjin x reader #stray kids x male reader #hyunjin x male reader

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nimbusalba · 7 months ago

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Neil Gaiman, my thoughts and my love for good omens

I already said something about all this deal with Neil Gaiman yesterday in another blog. But I still have Things To Say, so here it comes (with links to all the info):

Here is the article (thank you @procrastiel)

Here is a link to the podcasts for free (thank you @queermarzipan)

Here is the Xitter post with the accusations podcast thingy (thank you @embracing-the-ineffable)

Here is the transcript of the first podcast episode.

The Main Thing I Have To Say:

We need to separate the author from his work (and with this I’m not speaking only about Neil Gaiman). While we might not agree with some things about the author's life or thoughts, that doesn't mean we can not keep enjoying their work, as long as that work is not morally unacceptable, obviously. Let’s take the example of one of my favorite tv shows of all time (other than good omens): Buffy The Vampire Slayer (and with this I’m showing my age here, ahem). Buffy is a magnificent show, a wonderful exponent of feminism (strong female protagonist and secondary characters), diversity (one of the main characters is a lesbian), critical thinking, death, love, inner strength, battling your own demons… As we all know, accusations of harassment against Joss Wheddon appeared in 2020 and a lot of his work was left behind. I agree that knowing that the creator of something you love is an abuser breaks your heart. But that doesn’t mean that you have to stop loving that show, that it stops being a great work of art or that you should feel bad for still liking it. Buffy the vampire slayer is still one of my favorite shows and I still rewatch it from time to time (not on loop as I do with good omens, but that’s another problem). And why? Simply because in that show a lot of very talented people worked very hard to make it great, not just Joss Wheddon. And I appreciate it even more now knowing that the actresses and actors (and rest of the crew) in the series didn’t have as good a time filming it as they should have.

My take on this story:

I’ve already said that my first impulse is always to side with the victims in these cases, because they rarely lie and the accusations tend to be proven true in the end. In this particular case, for the time being, I’m waiting for developments, as the information that has transpired is fishy, to say the least. I’m not defending Neil Gaiman either, mind you. Maybe tomorrow we will find another 20 people accusing him of abuse. I don’t know him nor pretend to know what he’s done in his life. For the time being, as I said yesterday, this looks to me like consensual sex between consenting adults. That shouldn’t be news to anyone, even if the practices in themselves are not your kind of kink. It’s not on to have sex with someone who is working for you, of course, but still in this particular case that’s not exactly what’s happened. The woman in question (Scarlett) was a friend of the family, not strictly a worker. They already had a friendship relationship before turning it into a sexual relationship and a working relationship on top of that. With this I’m only trying to say that it doesn’t look like she felt forced to have sex with him in order to keep her job and she has said that the sex was consensual. The other victim has also said that even if she didn’t particularly enjoy the sex it was also consensual.

It looks like both victims were pretty young when the relationships took place. It's true that younger people can have problems when it comes to place boundaries, and an older or more experienced partner could take advantage of that. It is also true that later in life, when that person is more experienced or has had time to think about things, they can think about what they did and feel uncomfortable with it, even though it didn’t feel wrong in the heat of the moment and they said nothing then. But, as far as I know, that's not sexual assault.

This looks to me as something that’s been designed to hurt Neil Gaiman’s public image. Maybe he’ll come out of it without any criminal charges, as he has already offered his help to the New Zealand police and they have refused to interrogate him for the time being, apparently because of lack of proof yet. But his public image has been tainted, not only because of the accusations, but because anyone who has their sexual life exposed and discussed publicly suffers a great deal of humiliation, even more so if their sexual practices are not exactly mainstream. With this I’m not implying that BDSM or any other kink is wrong, as long as it is being played by consenting adults. No judgment here, everyone has their own kink, and I don’t care as long as they don’t harm anyone (or if they want to be lightly harmed).

Keep also in mind that one is innocent until proven guilty and in this case there is not a lot of proof yet and the place the news is coming from is suspicious, to say the least. Wait for developments (and see).

Conclusion

So keep loving good omens, I know I still do, keep enjoying it, writing fanfic, drawing amazing art, writing metas and discussing about it. Because this show is still a brilliant show, in which a lot of very talented people worked very hard to make it the wonderful work of art that it still is and we shouldn’t dismiss all that work because someone wants to hurt one of the authors.

(Edited because of wording)

#good omens #good omens is still a wonderful work of art #don't feel bad for loving what you love #good omens fandom #this fandom is stronger than this story #this fandom is smarter than this story #don't jump to conclusions too soon #neil gaiman #sex scandal #accusations #smear campaign #think critically #clickbait #wait and see #look at the article and podcast before cancelling neil gaiman

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cosmoeticss · 2 years ago

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The Pact | Aegon Targaryen Modern!AU (Part Three)

Words: 2K

Pairing: modern!Aegon Targaryen II x reader

Warnings: 18+ minors DNI swearing. Mild slowburn. Overall bad writing. this is my ‘rom com’ fic so please expect rom com level corniness.

Note: Sorrryyy for building this up so much I’ve been going through it besties. Thank you for all the love and I hope you enjoy this.

my masterlist

Looking back on it now, you couldn’t remember a time where a building looked so daunting. Even when you had first moved into the building with Dalton three summers back, it hadn’t made your stomach churn like it does now. In fact, you can hardly remember moving in in detail. The process had been severely underwhelming, and it had happened in the blink of an eye. I guess that was one thing that could hold a candle to how you were feeling now.

Why the hell is everything happening so fast?

Just three days ago, you had been in your flat surrounded by everything you’d grown accustomed to being around everyday. Just three days ago, you thought you were in a committed relationship. You were wrong. You couldn’t wait for this to be over. The only thing worse than sneaking into the flat you already paid this month's rent on to break all of your personal belongings out, was if you would have had to do it alone.

Toned, Slender arms drape over your shoulders from behind, snapping you out of your haze. Daeron leans his head against yours. “He’s not in there,” he assures you softly. “He’s at work, just like you said.”

You nod, half heartedly paying attention, neck craning up at the towering building. “He’s at work,” you repeat, mostly to yourself.

Another hand finds the back of your elbow – Lucerys’ hand – and he squeezes softly. “We’ll be in and out faster than the bastard will know what’s hit him.”

You offer them a warm smile, rubbing your sweaty palms against your denim shorts nervously. “Let’s do this shit.”

Your friends had pulled out all the stops to make sure that getting out of that flat went as smoothly as possible. Helaena and Daeron had offered up their cars, each of a decent size, and designated them for moving your belongings. Aegon had rented a pick up truck for some of your bulkier furniture. Helaena had found a moving company that rented out plastic moving totes for three gold dragons a day, each stack coming with a rolling cart, and Baela and Jace stayed behind at the townhouse to clean up your old room (when Aegon said he hadn’t touched it in nearly four years, he meant it.)

Sandbox love truly never dies, and you found yourself grateful that you had found the greatest support system you could ever have at such a young age, and that they had stuck by your side through thick and thin.

“Alright, team!” Rhaena grabs everyone's attention by clapping her hands together three times. “Operation: Free My Girl Y/N is now in effect. I want everyone to listen up, Helaena and I are on bathroom and bedroom duty, I want Aegon, Luke, and Dae on furniture, Y/N wants her couch, her bookshelf, her desk, any art supplies you see, and a couple things out of the bedroom. Anything that looks like someone with taste bought it is going in the truck.”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Aegon mock salutes her.

“You need to wait until Y/N clears out her desk and bookshelf so worry about those last,” she says pointedly. “Aemond, you’re the only one here I trust with glass, so you grab any dishes and nick-nacks that are hers.”

“You got it, Rhae,” he replies cooly, hands crossed behind his back.

“You’re so hot when you’re bossy,” you quip, and she shoots you a suggestive wink.

“Other than that, once we think we’ve got everything, we’ll do a quick run through to double check, and we are outta this bitch,” she holds her hand out for you to take, and you gladly do. “Does anyone not understand their job?” When there are no objections, you lead them through the lobby, and the seven of you and your moving equipment cram into the newly repaired elevator.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, Daeron and Luke did a ‘sweep’ of the one bedroom flat the second the door was unlocked. Their hands were folded to look like handguns as they maneuvered theatrically through the four small rooms you had once taken shelter in. Luke lifted his hand to clutch the air by his shoulder, speaking into it like it was a walkie. “Coast is clear. Tactical team move in, let's go.”

“Affirmative,” Daeron responded, mimicking radio static with his mouth as he did. You shook your head, a miniscule smirk playing at your lips as you made your way to your desk, and the gang got to work.

Everyone kept to themselves mainly, other than the occasional query of if something was for certain yours, they seemed to know you well enough to decipher on their own.

It was alarming how quickly an entire era of your life could be packed into bins and whisked away. It was, as everything else had been these past few days, giving you whiplash. You could admit it to yourself, Dalton Greyjoy was nothing special. He wasn’t a good listener, or particularly doting, and he had barely been holding up his end of your partnership for the better half of four years, but he was yours. He was someone to come home to, he was a quiet night in, he was safe and boring, and maybe he was a little possessive sometimes, but he was all yours. That’s what you had convinced yourself, that the lackluster in your relationship was what you were supposed to feel. That it was safe. That you were comfortable.

It was enough for you at the time, and you had just assumed it would be enough for him too.

A warm, heavy hand slides over your back, snapping you out of your daze and pulling you back down to earth. “That's the last of the bins, but Rhaena wanted me to tell you to double check that we have everything,” Aegon’s voice is smooth and low as he leans against the doorframe beside you. “Still feeling okay?”

You nod halfheartedly. “It just sunk in,” your voice comes out scratchy and dry, like you hadn’t spoken in days, and you clear your throat. “Two hours is what it takes to pack up my whole life, just in case you were curious.”

He offers you a sympathetic smile. “Rhaena leads with an iron fist,” It’s an attempt to make you laugh, and if you hadn’t been so melancholic, you’re sure you would have.

“I’m going to be twenty-seven soon,” you mumble. “I don’t have a plan. I moved to this city with no actual prospects, and no plan for what I’m going to do with my life and then I settled down with the first man to pay me any attention.”

Aegon stays quiet as you swallow the lump in your throat. “And I finished school for what? I’m still working at The Golden Stag, I don’t even paint anymore, like it would make a difference if I did. I wasn’t any good.”

The words stung like acid coming out. You had been painting since you gained the function of your motor skills. As you grew up, you’d painted everything – people, places, anything that caught your eye. Aegon knew that better than anyone, when he wasn’t modeling in front of your canvas he was right by your side watching. It was never anything but a passion to you, your mother had drilled it into your brain at a young age that no one ever found a decent career being a sub par painter, and with that turning it into a lifestyle became completely out of reach for you. Dreams of art school became chasing a business degree you had no want for. Your passion became a hobby, and that fact made you so miserable you couldn’t pick up a paintbrush anymore without feeling like a failure.

“Don’t say things like that. You are good,” he took hold of your shoulders, forcing you to face him but you could barely meet his eye. “And it makes a difference because it makes you happy. Don’t you want to be happy?”

You can’t stop the tears that are freely flowing now, but Aegon carefully brushes them away.Your forehead drops to rest against his warm, soft chest. “I do, but I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I don’t know how to fucking fix it.”

“Hey, do you want to know a secret?” he whispers, and you tilt your chin up to finally look right at him. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing either.”

You simper, a faint huff of a laugh pushing through your nostrils. “No way,” there’s a hint of playful sarcasm bubbling beneath the surface. “You?”

“I know, who would have guessed?” he nods affectionately, shrugging softly. “Guess what I do when I feel like I’m lost.”

“What?” you mutter, and if he hadn’t been holding you so close he might not have heard it.

“I call my best friend,” he soothes, causing an all encompassing warmth to spread through you. “And she picks up the phone every time and sure, maybe I still feel a little lost afterwards, but I don’t feel so small and I don’t feel lonely anymore.”

You draw a deep breath in, trying to expel all the heavy tension brewing in your chest. Of course Aegon knows all the right things to say to you to make it all feel a little bit lighter.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Aegon promises, pointing towards the door. “Those idiots downstairs aren’t going anywhere, so if you need to breathe, or to fall apart for a while then that’s what we’ll do. We’ll just take it one moment at a time.”

You’re quiet as you press the heels of your hands to your eyes, rubbing them, and wiping away your tear stained cheeks. “Tell me what you need right now and we’ll do it,” his words are patient and delicate. “Whatever comes after isn’t important yet.”

Your gaze breaks from his, and roams around the white walls that had been slowly but surely closing in on you without you really noticing, then it falls to the laminate floor beneath you, cold and hard and unforgiving. After what feels like too long, your contemplating eyes find him, warm and welcoming and truly safe. Your thoughts wander to the familiarity of the townhouse, and your rambunctious found family floors below you.

“I just want to go home.”

He keeps his promise. He takes you there.

The moon is high in the sky when you’ve finished unpacking into your old room. Upon returning home to the townhouse, you find the real reason Baela and Jace have stayed behind to ‘clean’ was technically also a ploy for them to put together the bed and frame they had all got you as a gift. You found yourself crying freely at the heartfelt surprise and before you knew it, pizza was ordered, beers were opened, and Daeron and Luke had picked up interior decorating.

Maybe it was something that could’ve been done with the same vigor as it had been packed with, but it's slow. It’s procrastinating, it’s laughing over nothing and everything, and taking prolonged breaks to lay on the floor and talk about life. It’s a form of therapy in itself, and you ponder how you survived so long without it. Maybe you didn’t, and that was the point, why it meant so much more to you now.

When the night eventually dwindles out into a close, hugs and sleepy goodbyes are exchanged, along with promises to see each other soon. For the first time in a while, you don’t worry that they’re promises you can’t make good on.

You’re eventually the only two tired bodies remaining, and Aegon plants a chaste kiss to your hairline and bids you goodnight, squeezing your hand before he stumbles into his room. You find your way to yours in the dark like it’s a muscle memory that you forgot you had, and you sink into your bed, a thick sleep creeps into your aching bones.

Yes, you were still lost. It was going to take time to feel like yourself again.

But you don’t feel so small anymore, and as you finally drift off you don’t feel so lonely either.

previous part | next part

TAGLIST

@fan-goddess @heavenly1927

#aegon ii imagine #aegon x you #hotd aegon #hotd imagine #hotd #hotd fanfic #aegon the elder #aegon targaryen #modern aegon #aegon x y/n #aegon x reader #aegon targaryen ii #aegon targaryen imagine

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whakkicat · 5 months ago

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i am leaving

i made a post on my twt about this, but i should make it here as well.

this is my last text post before i archive this account and start elsewhere. video about what’s been happening at some point.

this post will be a personal note to friends, mutuals, communities, etc, and what will happen from here.

brief warning for mentions of abuse

1. i want to start with a word towards the rain world community. first off, i want to thank rain world for giving me a home. for starting me off as an artist. i had never actively participated in a fandom before this, and it was a wonderful experience.

the game brought me and so many of my friends together, i met a lot of amazing artists, some of which i’m still shocked they’re my mutuals, and rain world itself changed my life for the better, i believe. it gave me hope and something to live for when nothing else did.

i’ve always been quite afraid of voicing myself, as i had never participated actively in a fandom before, therefore had never gotten used to talking in one. but to those who’ve stuck around, who have enjoyed my content, thank you.

2. to the people who have been there for me during the worst, who have let me know i am not alone in my suffering, it means so much to me. i really hope that i can still keep contact with many of the people i have met on here.

there have been so many kind people on this platform and it’s been a joy talking to you all. if this is goodbye, to some, i wish you all the best. it’s only what you deserve.

3. i will be reaching out to the main people who i owe art to, regardless of cmms or not. it is unprofessional of me not to keep track of myself and keep everyone waiting. my ADHD has not made it very easy for me. i apologize.

4. this point will mention abuse, so cw dealing and getting out of abuse this year was extremely hard for me, and is still taking its toll on me. it’s part of the reason i can’t stay, because i feel they still have power over me, even if they’re not actively in my life anymore.

as i move on, i don’t want to completely abandon my past, and everything that came out of that abuse in the first place. i am not abandoning myself, or forgetting what i went through. i want to grieve my younger, naive self as i go forward as an artist.

this doesn’t mean i’ve let them win and break me down. i won’t give up on myself. i need to be kinder to myself and heal, so being away from this will help. this also goes out to anyone else trapped in their friendships, relationships. you will be okay. talk to

please do not silence yourself for the sake of other people. your own feelings are just as valid and important as anyone else’s. don’t let people make you feel bad for feeling your own feelings.

5. to mutuals who’d like to stay in contact, i have a priv account on twitter i will mainly be using from now on. it won’t be used as much as it used to, considering this is a hiatus, but it will be where i will reside. you’re free to ask me in dms.

6. i’ve already begun starting over, i won’t be gone completely. if you happen to recognize me in the near future, please do not pester me about it. simply accept that i have restarted, as a brand, as an artist, and i’d like to start over from square one.

7. this account will also be public for the remainder of its existence, however i may clean it up for archival purposes. i don’t want to simply vanish, i am proud of some of the work i have published, and i don’t want it to be forgotten.

it’s a bit odd, considering most of my art is composed of doodles, non-serious jokes, and mostly fanart. hopefully i can make self indulgent art in the future. i’ve always wanted people to know my characters, but was always too afraid to actually talk to people.

closing point i’m sorry if my absence upsets anyone, if you are disappointed in me. i can’t stress enough that this year has been hard enough on me, and being here is hard enough. i want a fresh start. i want to be okay.

i love my fellow artists, my friends, everyone. there’s so many talented people i’ve met and i don’t ever want to forget them. my last post will be my video talking about my experiences this year, previous years, because i feel it’s important for me to come out about it.

this is a goodbye. i will miss many of you. here’s to hoping the rest of the year will be good for everyone! until our paths meet again. good luck out there

#rain world #i dont really know what to tag this as #because its just personal. just my ramble #but yea. this is farwell #i hope that in my time here i was able to spread some happiness and inspiration #i get if not tho lol. most of my work isnt great

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rainbowdaisy13 · 1 year ago

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Hey Rainbow, I'm kind of a new Kaylor. I knew of their existence back in 2016, but I wasn't part of this corner of Tumblr. It's only in the last few months that I've really become interested in Taylor's lyrics and the Kaylor storyline. The idea that she's closeted and struggling, and the beautiful and romantic tapestry of her lyrics that speak of a truly beautiful love story that the public doesn't really know about, these are the things that drew me to Taylor and by extension Kaylor. I know that the stuff with TK is PR. Dare I say it's the loudest and most obvious PR she's ever done. I know this, but it's actually getting painful to see it. I guess it's painful to see such a smart, articulate, and worldly woman be so happy in the company of the frattiest of frat bros. Or maybe it's hard to see her associate with them. Idk. I'm not here to attack her or anyone, but I guess I'm coming to you for a pep talk? I know this doesn't make me a good fan, but I'm not sure I'd like TS as much if I didn't think she was a closeted queer woman. I imagine I should take a break, but I fear that if everyone does that, will the Kaylor corner disappear? Will the comfort we find in Gaylor evaporate? I swear I'm a grown adult with a robust and fulfilling real life, but damn...this is getting to me.

Anyway, sorry for the novel. I hope it's not too annoying. You're so steadfast of a fan, and it seemed like you'd be the best to reach out to for support, ha.

First, never apologize!! Second welcome to Kaylor tumblr! Tis not for the faint of heart!

This is all I can give you in the way of a pep talk—I fully believe Taylor is a queer woman and that she’s been telling us that through art her since the very beginning. I also believe her and Karlie are in a long term secret relationship that they are choosing to keep hidden through Bearding and Lavender marriage for whatever reasons they have—and I’m sure there’s a ton of reasons that they have deemed good enough

As far as being a bad fan, absolutely not! I did not give a crap about Taylor until Rep. I knew of her songs but something about her always felt off to me, and disingenuous. Someone mentioned the word Kaylor and I went down the tumblr rabbithole of TTB and BOOM I was hooked. Taylor as a closeted queer artist made sooooo much sense to me as I always felt something was missing about her as a person, and suddenly here was this insane amount of evidence that only kept growing! It’s not like I joined during Rep and had to only look in the past, she continues to keep queer signaling in every aspect of her life. Thats a long way to say, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving Taylor for who she actually is—that doesn’t make you a bad fan for seeing her truth and loving her for it

As far as Kaylor tumblr disappearing, in the last 7 years I’ve been here, my follower count only grows. SO many people lurk in this space. There will always be some of us here documenting and discussing while others of us take breaks. We are pretty good about holding down the fort for each other in times of stress

Come and go as you need to, but us battle hardened OGs shall remain until she stops signaling through her art that she wants us to know the truth

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commence-screaming · 10 months ago

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I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.

So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.

Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.

#tw suicide mention #tw mental illness #tw abuse #I’m not putting it in main tag #I know that nobody will believe me #the document I have has pictures and photos with evidence #I’ll post it on a different account about a month from now #I don’t like drama on my blog #beyond the things that ppl have taken from years ago plus my breakdown on the panic room server I haven’t done anything else #(excluding a personal fight me and an ex-confidant had that was only between me and them. it involved no one else)#also… “salty wet’’ was the worst thing I said in the server. ever #because I am ace and I’ve never written actual….. yknow…… before.#the panic room would say downright s*xual things on the daily; with Ghouse never really discouraging them from doing so #I have a screenshot of him replying to a minor like this too #it was very common #…#but I will put it in the doc instead #all of the things tarot card put in their doc was taken out of context #it’s kind of weird that Ghouse is having a minor lead his charge?#he was talking about moving in with a minor… if he really cared about inappropriate conduct he wouldn’t talk about that #…oh. and; some people who blocked me had commissions in progress #so if they’re reading this… keep the playlist. keep the money. I understand. it was fun while it lasted.#those things belong to you now

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applestitches · 4 months ago

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Hello, I have reflected on my faults due to events that have happened today, and I’ve decided that this would be a good time to create an apology post for those faults so I can move on from them along with detaching myself from them too.

So the first fault to start off with is a certain Deviantart account (that I will not be naming in this post, if you know which one then you know) I had created back in June to make fun of the users on there, and if you’ve been on that website for a bit you’d know what I was making fun of, but I had used the South Park characters and that was extremely inappropriate of me to do, for a laugh or not. A small temporary laugh is never worth the life long consequences, especially on the internet since nothing is truly deleted. I was honestly just looking for anything to make myself feel better with a laugh but a chose a really bad option and I’m sorry if I disappointed anyone with my actions here, I’m very very very sorry, I regret it so much.

By the time this post goes up, most of the art on that page will be gone and few drawings that I had decided to stay up will be up. There will be no way to interact with it because I wish to no longer be associated with it and to move on from it and remove some bad things that I should have never done in the first place. Even just for a laugh. I will never do anything like this again.

Secondly I want to say sorry for "the death" chapter of heavenparkawesome because it can be seen as inappropriate because of me depicting a character with nothing on (not in an explicit way, but still). I promise that if I ever release another page he will magically receive clothes, I very much apologize for this.

Finally, I’ve decided I am no longer going to post or reblog anything that is associated with shipping and will only stick to canon relationships, like Stan and Wendy and Tweek and Craig. I’m doing this to stay out of trouble with the fandom and to lay low with things like that, sorry to disappoint anyone who enjoyed that genre of my art. I don’t need to be shipping characters anyway.

I’m not going to quit or do that "I’m going to take a break for awhile, boohoo!" because of this, like I said previously, I want to move on from these things and make a few changes. No is obligated to forgive me, hell, you can start disliking me for these things I just confessed in this post. I don’t care, all I care is about me being able to continue to post fanart for my favorite show without any trouble following me.

I’m sorry

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demigodofhoolemere · 1 year ago

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Things I can't stop thinking about from Steven and Vicki's Tales of the TARDIS episode

- This reunion. Seeing them together again kills me anyway, but when you look at the context of the last time they saw each other, both of them could have easily thought the other might be dead. The last Vicki saw of Steven he was bleeding out and slipping away from consciousness, and to Steven he woke up to learn that they'd left Vicki in a city that was being razed to the ground and its inhabitants slaughtered. There wasn’t a proper goodbye and neither could have known for sure whether the other had survived. These are two people who must have spent decades of their lives just hoping and praying that the other was okay.

They take each other's presence in like it’s a miracle. I don’t know if they intentionally wrote/acted this with that particular context of their last time together in mind, but nevertheless it can very easily be read that way since their reactions lend themselves to it so well.

- ^ In particular, Steven’s voice breaks in a way that absolutely destroys me.

- Is this girlish giggling not the most Vicki thing you’ve ever seen?

- There are certain moments that just really hit as, ‘This is them.’ I mean, look at her. That’s Vicki. It keeps blowing my mind.

- Steven is SO happy to see her again, oh my word. “I’ve got my little sister back!” is gonna live in my mind for the rest of my life. To have that dynamic acknowledged in those words and to see how much they love each other kills me. Look at this unreserved fluff. This means the world to me.

- Hearing that they’ve had wonderfully happy lives is so nice. Vicki could have been dealing with all kinds of turmoil given the time she chose to stay in, and with Steven’s luck he could have had literally anything happen to him, like Big Finish decided to do. I’m so glad they’ve been given full and happy lives onscreen, that Vicki has done so well in such a wildly different time and that Steven’s bad luck curse is finally broken. (The trauma curse is broken at least — it’s too much of a stretch for me to believe that he wouldn’t still have mundane bad luck lol.)

- Someone needs to either sue Peter for these faces or give him an award. There is so much emotion going on here and I can barely handle it. And knowing how much Peter truly loved this show and his time on it, I get the feeling some of this is real for him.

- “Vicki, this might not be his TARDIS. I mean, can you imagine the Doctor wearing something like this?” Well I’m sure as heck imagining it now! Someone PLEASE make fan art of One in Six’s coat.

- Their reverence for the Doctor’s pocket watch. Vicki is so happy and clutches it with joy and Steven stares at it and strokes it for a good minute. 💗

- Love having some skeptical Steven wondering if it could be a trap and warning Vicki to be careful. His older brother mode got reactivated so fast. And, “Don’t be such a spoilsport!” is so delightfully Vicki.

- Space helmet for a cow!!!

- “Well, it had been a busy week.” Lol, more like a busy (or not so busy) 2 years on Mechanus! You’re more than excused!

- I know it was naturally gonna happen because they’re going over The Time Meddler but I love the references to the Monk, and I love that we also get a subtle reference to The Daleks’ Master Plan out of it.

- Another one of those moments that just strikes you. Look at him.

- “He rescued me. I was an orphan and he became my family. I became the granddaughter he’d lost.” 😭

- Vicki’s little, “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” dance is so perfectly Vicki. It warms my heart how well-characterized they both are here.

- Anyone else see this and immediately start crying thinking about her putting her hands over her eyes in The Chase? Just me?

- Steven’s face when he agrees with her about wishing more than anything to see the Doctor again. I love his relationship with the Doctor so much, it kills me to see him emotional about it, to see how much he still loves him after all this time. But on top of it, once again I feel like there’s some genuine Peter in here who misses Bill. You can see in a lot of interviews, panels, commentaries and so on that Peter really truly cared about Bill as his friend and is still protective over him as a person and his character. When Steven makes this face in agreement about wishing he could just see the Doctor again, I feel something else very real in it.

- Look at them. Just look at them. No further comment.

- Vicki’s face hearing the Doctor’s laugh is my face.

I still haven’t been able to get through this without crying at his laugh. I don’t really have the words for how magical and touching it is that they included him in that way. It tugs on my heartstrings so hard.

#classic who #tales of the tardis #vicki pallister #steven taylor #spoilers #cannot stop thinking about them #this was such a love letter to the era and these characters #and to me who keeps crying #these two are so important to me

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thelediz · 7 months ago

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Spoiler warning: I write happy endings

So I’ve been reading this fic series which is actually just one very long story that for some reason the author has decided to break into separate stories EVEN THOUGH you cannot feasibly read one without context. Believe me, I have tried to skip stories only to end up confused because I have clearly missed a plot point. Seriously, why is this a thing people do, it's so frustrating and -

I have been reading this fic series.

It’s really good, and I really enjoy the author’s writing style. I find it super easy to read, and I want to know how the story ends. But each time I read a chapter story, I walk away feeling low-key annoyed, anxious, or upset. And I find myself wondering, this morning, why am I doing this? I am not actually enjoying this story, so why am I still reading?

When I interrogate myself about it, I realise I’m falling into the same trap I often do with fiction: I want to know how the story ends, so I’m tolerating lots of things I don’t like in the HOPE it will end well.

This is actually why I like spoilers. Because if I know how a story ends, and I know the character motivations, then I know whether the journey to get there is going to be worth the pain.

At the moment, with this fic, I don’t. Because it’s told entirely from the perspective of a very unreliable narrator, and this particular author has never written from any point of view except this character’s. So I don’t even have context clues to tell me what this author thinks of the other characters and their motivations. And as the story goes on, while I am becoming increasingly certain that we’re not supposed to trust this character’s perspective, it’s just a constant slow build of tension, all from this one character, who I increasingly dislike.

Now, the story can be saved, I think, if something happens and the narrator is forced to confront the things I’m not liking about them. If the other main character can be rounded out and properly seen. But that’s not going to happen until a climax that I keep waiting for and not getting. Right now, I'm not even sure the things I dislike are supposed to be bad things! Sometimes I think I'm supposed to feel sorry for the poor baby! (I don't and will not)

I don’t personally write fanfic about characters I don’t like, and I wouldn’t want to write a story about a character or relationship that’s objectively doomed. Doomed by their personal perspective, maybe, (get loved Alastor) but I just really personally dislike unhappy endings.

That’s what the real world is for. Entertainment is supposed to entertain and comfort and give me hope.

I don’t read or watch things that I know won’t end well, even if I know they’re amazing works of art. Which is unfortunate, because it means I miss out on a lot of the zeitgeist, but it makes me a happier and more hopeful person.

So I read spoilers, so that I know, in the end, there is going to be a happy ending, and these are the characters I should be rooting for. If I have to engage with something I won’t enjoy, I can quietly disengage and disassociate and let it wash past.

But here I am, with this story series that I’m not enjoying, waiting for a happy ending I’m currently pretty sure won’t come.

I need to break up with this thing and it is so much easier said than done.

Harrumph.

So for those who read my stories, here is a blanket spoiler: I believe in happy endings. It may take a while to get there, whether literally or figuratively, but I always believe in happy endings. So please, judge my silly fics purely on the characterisation, the dialogue, and my incredibly poor proof reading, because it’s always going to end with someone smiling somewhere.

I hope that’s a comfort to someone.

#don't even know what to tag this #I engage with entertainment for positivity #this is why I prefer stuff for kids #bring back hope for grown-ups!#but tl;dr #I'm reading a well-written fanfic that I really don't like #and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to finish my stories if they don't like them #just to get some serotonin #it's just #general flailing #i guess

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cosmicdust888 · 22 hours ago

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the pluto chronicles 💣 sun-pluto aspects i

🚨 CW: this blog post gives space for me to discuss my recovery &healing process as it relates to inc*st & narcissistic abuse i experienced as a child. if you’re sensitive to these topics, feel free to check out a less emotionally heavy 😫 post on the blog. pls take care of yourself. 🫶🏿

youtube

if you want to enter fully into the mood of this post, click play on the video &catch a vibe!

it makes sense that i would kick off my astrology blog w/ a series about Pluto.

he’s kind of a big deal in my birth chart: i got into astrology just as i was beginning to have Pluto problems. my little Leo 🌞 life had been lived quite unconscious to my true nature and dissociated from reality until then. i wasn’t happy or fulfilled, but i was doing that Leonine thing of pretending everything was fine &mostly ignoring the bad feelings that were clouding 🌥️ the bulk of my private life.

i have Pluto in Scorpio ♏ in the 8th house. my natal Sun & Jupiter are conjunct in Leo ♌, in the 5th house. they both square Pluto. squares create tension &suggest growth thru difficulty of some sort.

personal planets square to Pluto gives that difficulty a particularly spicy 🌶️ flavor—even moreso when Pluto is operating in his own house, the 8th.

for this inaugural entry of the 𝔓𝔩𝔲𝔱𝔬 ℭ𝔥𝔯𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠𝔩𝔢𝔰, i’ll be publicly shedding an old skin. 🐍 a story that needs to be told, &in the telling provides release from its too-small casing. writing this story, shedding this skin, frees me from its vice grip.

i genuinely believe that honestly &openly relating our experiences dealing with the darker parts of life ultimately makes that darkness less scary for everyone. as someone with 2 “hard” pluto aspects in my birth chart, i often find myself seeking others who can speak plainly about the difficulty &confusion that crops up in the life of someone (me! 🙋🏾‍♀️) with these placements. im now ready to speak plainly as a light in darkness. 🔦

the first series of the Pluto Chronicles has 3 parts. in each part, i’ll share insights from a different astrologer who’s written about hard (square, opposition, conjunction) sun-pluto aspects. i’ve picked a few relevant quotes from each person &used them as writing prompts to help me excavate some of my own dark material.

as part of my process of healing &transforming with Pluto, i also created some digital collage art to further illustrate my feelings. 🖤

natal sun/pluto aspects ⌇ the quest for authenticity 🕯️ (@veronika-tserber)

“This is a highly karmic aspect - especially karma from their father or paternal side of the family. They are essentially breaking the taboos and secrets their ancestors couldn't didn't dare to speak about and confront. These people are the ILLUMINATORS who shift their family's paradigm around heavier, darker topics. They don't have to dig for any familial secrets, though. If they do their personal shadow work, they will break the chains of karma for all past and future generations.”

this resonates so strongly for me &my life to this point. no doubt, both sides of my family have mountains of unresolved trauma: inter-generational alcoholism, drug use, suicide, poor life choices, estrangement, &toxic relationship dynamics persist. but my paternal roots are where many of the darker, unconscious Plutonian drives fester. and no, i didn’t have to dig for any of these secrets: they came to me directly, in the form of early childhood abuse.

i became my family’s secret-keeper, &thus the family scapegoat by necessity. i was made to feel disempowered &gaslit into complete disconnection from my own sense of self, because that was what was necessary to keep the family secret A SECRET. when i finally dared to speak my truth i received little support, &it became clear that i was expected to maintain the status quo or be punished. my need to individuate, to discover &become who i truly am—to grow &evolve as a person—meant that i had to cut myself off from my family tree 🌳 &re-plant myself in more fertile soil. so i did. 🌱

“Their father, and specifically his relationship to his Shadow, and the darker aspects of life, played a big role in the formation of their personality, and how they view themselves. There are three scenarios here - 1) he was either a PUNISHER of the shadows (could've literally worked as a policeman, for example); he was an EXPLORER (psychologist, investigator) or he was a HEALER - occultist, energy worker, etc. These are three levels of consciousness. If he punished the shadows - his and the world's - the more shame and guilt he could've projected onto his child(ren). These people might feel as if he's always monitoring their steps, and they can't hide anything from him - especially their mistakes or anything "taboo". If they were heavily judged or punished, they will grow up feeling guilty and ashamed of a very big part of what makes them human. This affects how they view themselves - they can either see themselves as a Divine Child, with both the Yin and Yang, light and dark within or as a Beast, some sort of a Devil responsible for all the evil in the world. They should know that whatever it was, it had nothing to do with them and EVERYTHING to do with their father's own degree of self-acceptance and wholeness. Nonetheless, their relationship with him is/was intense, and there might've been a lot of power struggles involved.”

the father wound 👨🏿

yes YES yes. my father fell into the “punisher” scenario. not a policeman, but a staunchly fundamentalist &authoritarian man of faith. he was never a pastor—but throughout my life i’ve had multiple people assume that my father was a preacher because of the way he acts &carries himself. ✝️

this did, in fact, affect how i saw myself. my father is a covert narcissist &my entire world, from day one, revolved around him &his needs. i looked up to him, saw him as smart &charming, &truly believed that he really was the absolute moral authority that he liked to project himself as.

he treated me as an extension of himself. he ruled over my life like a king 👑 and everything i did was ultimately treated as a reflection on him. it was all about keeping up appearances. i was a very obedient child because i was genuinely terrified of my father.

this projected image of my father—a deeply private man with a Scorpio moon whose own birth chart is full of harsh Pluto contacts—was so bright that i had no choice but to repress my own authentic truths &experiences that contradicted his lily white persona.

in fact, i internalized a lot of his shadow as my own. my chart is filled with retrograde planets. i also have 4 personal planets in Virgo in the 6th house. these are introverted, judgemental &introspective placements. for a majority of my life, every way that i could possibly look at &relate to myself was through a lens of shame.

i kept countless journals throughout my adolescence. re-reading them as an adult in 2021 and 2022 when i was living with my parents again broke my heart. i genuinely believed that i was a bad person. i believed that god hated me, was constantly seeking to punish me, &that there was something inherently wrong with me that would insure that i would never feel at home within myself. i believed i deserved to be punished for making a decision in my own best interest because that is how i was treated by my father.

it was totally normal for me, as an 18 &19 year old, to be completely in fear of making simple decisions for myself because i genuinely believed that my heart was “deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” like the Bible says.

so, yes. this quote struck me because my father did see himself as ‘punisher’ of the shadow. when he chose to abuse me, i became the vessel for his own shadow. because no one could know that the bright &shiny moral man of god is actually raping his daughter at night, right? so i became the one who needed to be punished, suppressed, &shamed. to survive, i internalized that shame &repressed my actual experiences.

it’s only after confronting him &going no-contact with my family that i have been able to get any perspective on this. writing all of this out is liberating.

this is my truth!

“It might take them some time to realize the power hidden in their shadows. They are destined to become Alchemists, but how easily or quickly this will happen depends on their free will and desire to separate themselves from their father's projections/expectations. The task here is to become SELF-AWARE. They can use a myriad of tools - therapy, meditation, yoga, energy healing, somatic work, OR ART to channel their Shadow and integrate it into their consciousness. During their lives, they are often called to the gates of the Underworld. They learn how to enter it fearlessly, and how to listen to the voice within. This process of illumination (Sun) will help them transform their subconscious mind (Pluto), and when they emerge from this metaphorical Underworld, their work and expression in the world will have a different quality, richness, and potency to it. This is how they step into their power and leadership - by making peace with the demons of the past.”

beginning the journey to self-awareness 🐈‍⬛

i made the decision to start therapy at age 27 (the first time in my life i could afford health insurance), &this kicked off the long process of separating myself from my father’s projections/expectations.

when i began seeing a therapist, i had no idea i’d had a traumatic childhood. i had almost no recollection of my life before the age of 13 &any time anyone began to speak fondly about their own childhood memories, i would often get inexplicably angry &want to cry. yet, i remember telling my therapist that i’d had “a good childhood. it was normal &i was happy.” 🙃

except…for all the years i’d been depressed but didn’t know why. &uh, i’d never really gotten along with my parents. my siblings and i weren’t very close. &any good memories i did have from adolescence were not with family, but with friends &other people’s families. yep! perfectly good childhood over here! 🤡

i only went to therapy for a year and a half; my therapist wasn’t “trauma-informed” as they say. i didn’t uncover anything very useful in our sessions, however, suddenly having space to simply express what was on my mind began to make me feel as though maybe it’s okay for me to have my own opinions. maybe it’s okay to prioritize my own thoughts, ideas, desires, &feelings.

typing that out right now makes me feel for this version of myself. because, no, i did not know that that was okay. therapy really was the first step to freedom &onto the path down into the Underworld for me. i’m really proud of my past self for being brave enough to take that step. forever grateful! 🫶🏾

therapy was my introduction to the shadow. it’s where i first began looking within, asking questions, &wondering why i was the way that i was. it’s also how i discovered that i really like psychology &digging into why people act the ways that they do.

as i write this, i can confidently say that choosing to face my shadow has been the most rewarding decision i have ever made. each time i confront something confusing &scary within myself, i feel pain—but i also discover buried treasure!

traversing the Underworld is like going thru a dungeon on a video game. you’re facing challenges &battling scary shit, but you also find chests filled with gold &items that help you defeat the Dungeon Master 🗡️

helpful treasure 💎 i found in the therapy room of my psychic dungeon:

🧘🏿‍♀️ meditation

🛌🏿 yoga nidra

✋🏿 boundaries

🫣 a glimpse of self-love

•☽────✧˖°˖☆˖°˖✧────☾•

this is just the first step to a long and drawn out process of bringing the dense themes of my 8th house back from the dark unconscious corners of my 12th. i have much more to say, but that’s why i created the Pluto Chronicles. i want to dive deep into just what it feels like to have a dance with Pluto. everyone experiences Pluto differently, &some won’t have a need to develop a relationship with Plutonian energies at all in this lifetime.

i’ll be sharing bits of my own story as i explore themes of sex &sexuality, abuse within toxic family systems, power vs. powerlessness, fear, control &obsession in relationships. just the tip of Pluto’s iceberg! i will also, in real time, relate to you as best i can what the oft-referenced but rarely described regeneration process looks &feels like for me.

until next time,

🖤 ♇

#pluto #pluto chronicles #sun-pluto #aspects #✨ astrology #generational trauma #healing #self healing #self love #collage art #art therapy #astro diary #cosmicdust888 #sun square pluto #cw: abuse

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