#I’m tired of people refusing to even do bare minimum research yet continue to talk about things like they’re an expert

[area51-escapee]

Besties I’m fucking tired lmao

[hideyholejournal]

Journal Entry #2

August, 8, 2021

***Warning**** Discusions of s*xual ab*se and S*islide****

I want to scream. 

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying so hard to get back into my regular healthy habits- like writing in my journal- but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to go to bed at a regular time or meditate for a few minutes but everything seems to be sucking my energy so much.

I’m trying not to be hard on myself and allow grace for bad weeks, something I was working on with Hanna, my counselor (FNFP). But it’s so hard to be kind when everything... hurts?? That’s not the right word but I don’t know any other way to describe it. Everything just hurts and the worst part is that I don’t know why!

Maybe writing here will help me? I really hope it does because this sucks.

My best friend moved in with me at the beginning of the month and two days before she moving day I got into a spat with my... bio Dad.

The fight started as many of our fights do, a stupid comment that fucker (Dad) wouldn’t let go of. we went grocery shopping and, as it has been since I was ten, I was the one left to actually do the actual shopping portion of grocery shopping. 

It’s the first time we’ve been able to do actual grocery shopping since Christmas and Dan’s lost fight to stomach cancer that had us moving to our current place. Why mutli-billion dollar corporations need to impose such harsh contract and lease breaking fines even in the face of unexpected death I’ll never understand. 

(Note for context- Assuming that for some reason someone is reading this-: Dan found out he had stomach cancer in October, by November he was a living skeleton and when January hit he was dead- Karma’s a bitch and no I am not incredibly bitter about all the ways the only other man I trusted hurt and betrayed me)  

Anyway, the near half year of scrambling for a little extra funds and living off other peoples kindness-  Thank the Gods for Hanna (FNFP) and her hampers, no idea how we would have made it without that- Had made me extremely conscious of prices. I was going through the store with a calculator and adding and rounding up by a dollar for everything I put in the cart while keeping an eye out for any sales. I was stressing.

Despite my best efforts the bill still came up to nearly 300. I don’t remember the exact price but it doesn’t matter. On our way out Dad made a comment about it. Now, he makes the same comment about how pricey things are every time we go to the store and on my best days they make me feel guilty and grumpy but this was not my best day. 

It would have been fine if I knew that I could just turn to dad and say “Hey, I know you don’t mean to upset me but it makes me feel really badly when you make those comments because I really tried hard to find the least pricey things I could.” and then we could have a discussion about it but if I had said that he would have just yelled at me to not take things so personally and that if I can’t learn how to take a joke I could start paying rent (Despite me not having a job yet due to covid and the economy in general) then he’d go the guilt route and whine about how he was just a terrible parent and a shit person in general with a nice whopping dollop of “You’re the smart one so you need to fix this.”

It’s exhausting, so instead I got angry and said “Well, if you don’t like it then you can do the grocery shopping and we’ll see how well you do” Do I regret it? A little, but not enough that I would take it back so we continued to quietly get out of Walmart and put the food in the car. 

Here’s the thing about my family; we don’t talk. If you had a fight or said something nasty then you better stiff upper lip it and forget about what was and wasn’t said or you’ll be in for a long lecture about letting things go and not being dramatic. 

So we don’t talk about and just go to A and W for food. Dad had woken me up that morning, said we were going shopping and used food to keep as a bonus- I honestly didn't want food but Dad makes a big deal out of it if I refuse food or treats so...- 

Then I saw a crow.

I saw it out my window and pinched off a bit of bun to throw on the ground near it and Dad said not to feed it because they’re stupid trash animals. This actually really excited me because I’ve researched a lot about crows and blue jays so I was really happy to share this information. So I try to say “Actually, Crows are really smart. They’re members of the corvid family which is known as the smartest bird family” and tell him all about how they can imitate human words and sounds, are know to use tools, hold funerals for their dead and can recognize human faces among other things. 

Unfortunately, Dad was very uninterested in hearing any of this and kept interrupting me to say that they were dumb and gross because they dug through the trash for food. He refused to hear about any of the things I had researched and just kept repeating the same things and interrupting me. I was annoyed to begin with but now I was starting to feel hurt. As a result I was near yelling to try and be heard, while progressively getting more agitated.

Finally, Dad snaps at me about how he can’t say anything to me without me getting pissed off- An extremely common complaint- and brings up my comment in the store. I explained why I was upset and he said something about how he always say’s things like that so I should be used to it and I was just too tired to try and unpack that so I switched to the original thing he said. I told him that the reason I’m always so irritated with him is because he keeps doing things that I told him are an issue.

This is one of my very common complaints, Dad insists every time I bring up an issue that he’s listened to me and he’ll stop but when I month or two goes by and nothings changed he accuses me of calling him a liar when I bring it up again. 

It’s just so much easier to just get angry because then, at least, he leaves me alone for a bit. He’s exhausting and I’m always at my worst when I’m with him. 

At some point during the fight he starts going on about how everything to us kids is abuse now and nothing is good for us. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled “You’re going to say that after what you did” when he asked what he did I said that he s*xually ab*sed me. 

I... honestly thought he would deny it. I thought he would try to gaslight me or.. defend himself? Something. Instead he just... told me that I needed to stop bringing up the past? I... I just, now that I’m out of the situation I’m realizing how wild that response is and I kind of don’t know how to move on from it? So I guess I’ll just continue...

So in the moment I was just ear steaming angry by that response but Dad just moves right on to his usual paying rent and taking my phone spiel and for a moment I’m so angry that I’m calm and I just say that I’m going to live with mom since she knows about what he did. 

Finally, we make it home and I storm over to the door so I can get my pre-packed escape plan bags. Dad yells over “Aren’t you going to help with the groceries” and I yell back that it’s not my problem anymore.

By the time he’s done carrying in groceries I have my bags stacked by the door and he’s demanding to know where I’ll go, that I give him my keys and phone because I don’t get to takes those, I tell him that both are on the counter an continue. My next problem is that he’s standing in the doorway. I’m not sure if he’s going to try and block me from leaving- He has many-a-time in the past- so I shoulder check past him to keep him from doing so. 

He follows me down the front path and asks me where I’m going and if we can just talk about this and to come back inside because he doesn’t want me on the streets. As he’s saying these things I’m realizing that I honestly don’t have a plan that is likely to work out long-term. 

My general idea was to just get to my grandpas and call my mom from there and she could hopefully come down to pick me up sometime that week- She lives in a neighboring city- then I’d go live with her until I’d found a job and place to stay. Unfortunately, that wasn’t likely to work out because my mom and I... have heaps of issues and have never managed to have a visit lasting more then two days were we haven’t fought at all. Plus, my mom has struggled with alcohol dependence and a gambling addiction since before I was born... she’s not exactly a stable safe place.  

Shelters are an option but... that’s a completely unmown variable.

So... I decide, better the devil you know and tell dad that “I don’t want to have to tell people that I’ve s*cked my dads d!ck, it isn’t in the past for me! What you did hurt me and I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.” 

He looks genuinely guilty in the face of my words so I agree to go back in and talk. 

The talk was extremely unsatisfying. Dad just went on about how he was sorry, that he’d do anything for me and give me all his money. He went on about how he was horrible and everything was his fault- his exact words- and how he felt guilty about how he didn’t make enough money to take care of me and how embarrassed he was by this. The only good thing he said was that he would do everything he could to help me move out. ( By encouraging me to take everything he owned beside the bare minimum he needed to survive)

When I said that wasn’t enough to make up for what he did he demanded to know what I wanted. When I said that I wanted him to take responsibility he interrupted me to demand to know how he would do this. Just remembering this is making me tired. 

I couldn’t come up with anything at the moment and he kept insisting that he’d said sorry and that’s all he could do so...

Oh! At on point he tried to convince me to either beat him or stab him. I rolled my eyes and said that he wasn’t worth going to prison for. He tried to insist that he would lie to the cops. Then he proceeded to go on a tangent about how I shoved past him and said mean things and that it felt like it was “Abuse Dad Time” 

He followed up his pity party by saying that when I left he would probably k*!! himself. I said that after what he did I didn’t care- note; The d!ck s*cking was by NO means the only time he encouraged me to touch him inappropriately, or even showed me extremely inappropriate things it was just one of the bigger no no’s that happened- he threw his his hands up and said “See you don’t care!” as if I was the bad guy??

Anyway, we ended by agreeing that I would live here until I could actually move and that he didn’t get to complain about me being distant anymore.

There was more I wanted to add but it’s now three in the morning and I do want some sleep.

Bye