#I’m thinking of starting her on gabapentin

[restinthewest]

I wish she didn’t need it, but I am grateful for the time spent with Hallow every day while I do her maintenance massage and stretches. It’s meditative for me, it’s quiet time to connect with her, it’s such a lovely thing I can do to instantly relax her and make her feel better.

Barring some brief periods of time when I’ve slacked off, we’ve been doing this every day for over two years. She looks forward to them and asks for them. Instant relaxation, instant snoring. Thank god for our rehab vet who taught us how to do this.

[her-power]

So Called Chaos (Part Two: Modern single dad! e.m x fem reader)

❤️‍🩹🚨‼️18+ Minors DO NOT interact ‼️🚨❤️‍🩹

Trigger warnings/content warnings: Talk of suicide, talk of death, grief, hurt, comfort. Talk of PPD/PPA. Strong Language. Fluff. Lots of kissing, some petting, nothing explicit.

Summary: Full summary on Part One.

Word Count: 3.2k

(Reader POV)

You stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror, your hair dripping wet from your shower. You stare at the scar that sat below your left breast and wraps around to your back was slowly starting to fade, which made you happy, it was a constant reminder of that horrible night five years ago. You sigh, opening the bathroom mirror, taking out your morning pills. 80 mg of Prozac, 1000mg of gabapentin for nerve pain, Excedrin twice a day for migraines, 800mg ibuprofen for muscle pain. You didn’t even bother to go over the nighttime list; you were tired of taking pills, but it had become your daily routine for the last three years since you left the hospital. Moving back to your parents’ house was a decision you and your psychologist made together, but you were set on starting over, leaving the place where your entire life ended. Your mother’s death after the accident was the tipping point, you weren’t sure if you could handle anymore loss, and there was speculation that your mother took her own life. Your father was diagnosed with early onset dementia, you tried to visit him at least twice a week. He still had his sense of humor, but there were times he would ask you about her…about him, and you had to smile, tell him that they were okay, and change the subject.

Moving back to Indiana was a fresh start, and it almost felt like fate to you when you ran into Eddie Munson. The boy you grew to love in a short amount of time, the boy you thought about even when you said your ‘I dos’ to your late husband. Your stomach churns when you think about Sam, your sweet, kind, beautiful husband, he held on until the very end, talking to you while you were pinned beneath the dashboard, the air freezing, the sound of sirens swarming around you. You didn’t know at the time he was impaled in the stomach by a piece of metal, that once they removed him and the piece of metal, he would bleed out and die. He knew he was dying, but he made sure to keep you talking.  “Remember when we went to Aruba?”

“I can’t feel my legs…why is it so cold…”

“Keep talking to me, baby.”

“I can’t see you…where is Lily?”

“They got her out…”

“Sam…are we dying?”

“No…stay with me…”

“Do you think there’s waterfalls?”

You were delirious at that point, you were falling in and out of consciousness, your lungs were heavy, they rattled when you breathed in. 

You grip the sink in front of you, a panic attack settling in, you didn’t want to take your anti-anxiety, you need to do the deep breathing. You need this anxiety to go away before you saw Eddie, you weren’t ready to show him this side of you yet, you weren’t ready to tell him what happened to you, your husband, and your daughter. 

“We can keep her comfortable, but there is no brain activity…”

“I don’t understand…she was fine…” You whisper, the pain in your bones becoming unbearable, you felt your heart turning to stone. 

“You have been the reason why she has been hanging on for these last six months, I know you probably don’t believe it, but she can hear you. It’s your choice what you want to do next.” 

You inhale a sharp breath. “Let her be hooked up to machines or let her die? How does a mother make that decision?”

Tears fill your eyes, and you wheel yourself over to your three-year-old daughters' bedside. You take her little hand in yours. “I’m so sorry, baby girl.” You cry, kissing her palm and stroking her blonde curls. “You’re our little fighter. Daddy is waiting for you, okay? Don’t be afraid. I’ll find you.” 

You sit on the floor of your bathroom, hyperventilating and you groan, holding your stomach. You let out a loud wail, full of anger and sadness. Your family never got justice; the drunk driver was released after only being in prison for a year. And you couldn’t bear the thought of staying in the same town where he resided. 

You lean your head back, breathing in slowly through your nose and out your mouth. Deep breaths, baby. They’re coming I promise. Your heart rate slows, and your tremors disappear. 

After giving yourself a few moments to calm down more, you step into your bedroom and get dressed. You toss an oversize knitted sweater over your head, black leggings, and your doc martens. You toss your hair up into a messy bun, dab your face in subtle make up and lip balm. You stretch your back, feeling your spine pop back into place and you grab your car keys. 

You had texted him that you were on the way to the café, and he had asked you for your coffee order. When you pull into the lot, you are amazed at how quaint this place was. It must’ve been new; it was on the same strip of road where Miss Byer’s store was. 

You spot Eddie’s hair as soon as you walk in, he’s making silly faces at Hunter who is sitting in his highchair, eating a cake pop. Eddie meets your eyes, and he smiles, standing up as you walk over to him. He hugs you tightly, and you look down at Hunter who gives you a large toothy grin.

“Oh hello, handsome, you look just like your Daddy.” You smile, gently tickling his cheek and he giggles. You sit down across from Eddie who hands you your coffee and Hunter goes back to eating his cake pop, while watching a toddler educational video on Eddie’s phone. Eddie leans his chin on his palm as he stares at you and you blush, sipping your coffee. 

“You’re staring.” You giggle, tucking a stray hair behind your ear. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” He laughs, leaning back in his seat. “It’s just wild that after all this time…”

“Yeah.” You smile, looking into his eyes. The same ones you fell in love with all those years ago; the eyes that held a story, even now. 

“What have you been doing all these years?” He asks you, and you should’ve known that would’ve been a question he’d ask you. You swallow a lump in your throat, your leg bopping under the table. 

“I graduated from college with a degree in English and teaching. I was an English teacher in the town I was living in for about ten years. Met my…husband at the school I was teaching at.” You smile at him, and he smiles sweetly at you. 

“Where’s your husband now?” He asks. 

Just tell him this part. Just tell him the first part of your tragic story. The rest will come later. 

“He…he died, about five years ago.” Your eyes are welling up, but you don’t bother to push them back. 

Eddie’s breath hitches and he lets out a huff. “Jesus, I’m so sorry.” He reaches over to grasp your hand and you take it willingly. You meet his eyes; they were sad for you. 

“I’m okay.” You tell him with a grin. “I promise. I’m okay.”

You feel a damp, sticky hand pat the top of your hand and you look to see Hunter’s hand on top of yours, smiling at you. Your heart does a back flip as his blue eyes stare into yours, you take his little 

“He likes you.” Eddie says with a chuckle. “He’s a lady’s man.” 

“Sounds like someone I know.” You glance over at him, and he almost chokes on his drink. 

“I barely had any ladies.” He laughs. “A lot of them just used me because I was in a band.” 

You grin, Hunter grips onto your finger and you feel a certain love creep up on you that you have missed for so long. You make a silly face at Hunter who giggles, and then yawns. Eddie smiles, “He got up way too early this morning.” He brushes his curls from his little head. “He’s probably ready for a nap.” 

You stare at Eddie, wondering if you should say what you’re about to say. “I’m sorry about Olivia.” You say gently. “I didn’t hear much about it, just that she passed, but…I’m really sorry.” You had known Olivia as an acquaintance, seeing her at parties when you were younger, or when you would sneak into the Hideout, from what you remember she was really nice.

Eddie stares at you and swallows hard, nodding his thanks. “I didn’t know you kept up with the trials and tribulations of Eddie Munson.” He jokes.

“Social media has it’s perks.” You laugh. “Robin posts a lot of pictures of this little guy.” 

Eddie rolls his eyes and laughs. “Yeah, she’s obsessed with him. She keeps telling Vicky she wants a baby.” 

“That’s amazing.” You smile. “She should do it.” 

Hunter makes a little squeal and giggles; you take that as a cue that he was getting tired, and it was time to go. Eddie stands up, pulling him out of the highchair and you all walk out of the café. A sudden pain jolts down your leg, causing you to lose your balance but you catch yourself.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Eddie asks, gripping your forearm while Hunter rests his head on his chest. 

You try to laugh it off, but the pain was getting worse. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Just some muscle spasms. The luxuries of getting older.” 

Eddie could tell you were in more pain than you were letting on, and you knew you couldn’t drive. You clench your teeth, the pain radiating to your other leg as you lean awkwardly against the wall of the café. You wanted to scream at your body, for taking this moment and ruining it because of your shit damaged nerves and muscles. 

“Sweetheart…you’re shaking.” He tells you gently. “Why don’t I drive you back to my place? I don’t know if I feel alright with you driving home like this. You can sit, relax, put your feet up and we can come back for your car later.”

“Eddie, I’m fine.” You sigh. 

“You’re so not convincing.” He laughs and you stifle a giggle. He switches Hunter to the other side of his hip and gently takes his other arm and reaches out to you. “Come on, can you walk?” 

“I can manage.” You say softly, and his arm wraps around your waist as he easily lifts you from the wall and you slowly walk together towards his truck. You lean against the passenger side door while he buckles Hunter in his car seat. You rummage through your purse to find your gabapentin, and quickly take the tablet, dry swallowing it. The medication would take affect soon, so you had to suffer with the pulsating pain for the next few moments, but you’d been through worse. Eddie shuts the door to the backseat and walks over to you, you smile at him, still gritting your teeth. 

“You’re gonna tell me what this is when we’re back at my house, right?” He says, gently running his thumb over your cheek and you tremble. 

“I’m fine, Eddie.” You whisper and he dips his head down to look into your eyes, giving you a sly smirk and you laugh. “It’s nothing serious. I’m just old.”

“Liar.” He smirks, opening the door for you and he slowly helps you step up into the truck. You roll your eyes, and he winks at you, shutting the door and you sigh. 

“Da…Da…Da…Da…hee…hee…” Hunter says behind you, and you laugh.

“Yeah, your dad thinks he’s funny.” 

“Fun…ee…” Eddie is stepping into the driver’s side and whips his head to look at Hunter. 

“Did he just say funny?” Eddie looks at you, pure pride and excitement on his face. “He just said funny! Good job, buddy!” 

You smile at his boyish face, and Hunter continues to say funny over and over again on the drive back to the house. Eddie is laughing, but also feeling extremely overstimulated with the repetition of the word. “He’s gonna keep saying it, isn’t he?”

You laugh. “Yup. Welcome to parenthood.” 

By the time Eddie had pulled into his garage, Hunter was sound asleep. The medication you took was easing the pain, you were able to gently lower yourself out of his truck and follow him and a sleeping Hunter into the house. His drum set, guitar and musical equipment catches your eye as you walk up to two steps into the house and you smile, glad that he still kept his music talents going after all these years. 

He quietly shuts the door to the garage, and you stand awkwardly in the kitchen. You feel his hand on your lower back. “Go sit down, I’ll be down in a minute.” He whispers and you nod, carefully making your way towards the couch. You flinch as you sit down, you stretch out your legs, wincing as another shooting pain radiates down your leg. You try to focus on something else besides the pain and look at the framed photographs on the wall. There was a nice one of Eddie and Hunter what looks like to be his first birthday and Hunter is holding a toy guitar. You see one of Olivia holding Hunter when he was just born, you had forgotten how pretty she was, and you could see where Hunter got his eyes from. There was a framed autograph picture and gold record of Master of Puppets. That makes you smile, and seeing all the Lord of the Rings merchandise that graced his walls. The pain subsides and you perch your feet up on the ottoman, staring up at the ceiling when you hear Eddie come walking down the hallway. He places the video monitor on the coffee table next to him, sitting down across from you. 

“How long have you been in pain like this?” 

You smirk, he gets right to it. 

“Five years.” You whisper, pulling your left leg under you and stretching out your other leg. 

His eyes widen. “Five years? What happened?”

You sigh. “Eddie, it was a long time ago. I just got some nerve damage and crappy muscles in my legs. It’s just something I have to live with.” 

“What happened?” He asks you again and you sigh, pulling your hair out of your bun and letting it fall, rubbing your scalp to soothe the tightness. 

“Car accident. We were hit by a drunk driver.” You whisper. 

Eddie is quiet. “Is that how your husband died?” 

You nod, stretching out your leg again, you wanted to leave out what happened to Lily for as long as you could. “That is how my husband kicked the bucket.” You lean forward to massage your calf and chuckle. “Sorry, my trauma response is dark humor.” 

Eddie stares at you, pointing to your shoes. “May I?” You stare at him and then your shoes. 

“What do you want with my shoes?” 

He laughs. “I don’t want your shoes, dummy. Take them off.” 

You stare at him and lean forward, untying your boots and kicking them off your feet. You stretch your toes and Eddie takes your foot, resting it against his knee. 

“Where does it hurt the most?” He asks you, gently massaging the top of your foot. 

“Eddie, you don’t have to do this.” You say, blushing at the softness of his fingers as they glide over the exposed skin of your ankle. 

“You’re in pain, and I’m not a fan of people I care about being in pain.” He smiles at you. “Where does it hurt?” 

You sigh, pointing to your middle calf area. “Here.” 

He gently rubs his palm against your calf, and you groan, he stops and meets your eyes. “Are you okay?”

“It’s just…” You sigh, adjusting your position. “Why are you doing this?” 

Eddie isn’t sure how to answer that, he isn’t sure why he’s doing it. He just knows he wants to; he wants to make you feel better. His hands continue to massage your calf, and he gently lifts your pant leg. The first thing he sees is the end of a stem of a tattoo, covering a large scar. The tattoo is three red roses, wrapped around a thin sword. Eddie glances up at you and sees that your eyes are filling with tears, and you have to look away from him. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Eddie leans towards you, cupping your cheek and you shake your head, tears spilling over your cheeks. You inhale, gasping as a sob escapes your lungs and he moves next to you on the couch, pulling you to him. He holds the back of your head and cradles you to his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

“You…you didn’t…” You gasp and you have to pull back from him. “Eddie…I’m not…I’m not the girl you remember…there’s things that happened that completely changed the person I was.”

Eddie stares at your face. “I’m not the same boy you remember.”

You meet his eyes. “This was a mistake, coming here. Seeing you…there’s so many things that are coming back and so many feelings that I can’t even process right now. I can’t let you see this side of me, you’ve already seen too much.” 

He whispers your name, reaching up to hold your face and you try to flinch away, but his hands are soft, and he instantly relaxes you. “What I see is a woman who is trying her damn best to keep her head above water, who experienced too much loss. What I see is a beautiful, strong, resilient woman who I can’t believe walked back into my life.” 

You squeeze your eyes shut, shaking your head. “Eddie…”

“If you want to leave, you can leave, but I’m telling you right now…there’s a reason we met at the bookstore. There’s a reason you’re here right now…after all this time.” His face is so close to yours and you can’t help but stare directly into his eyes. 

“I can’t bring you into this…with everything you have going on.” 

Tell him what happened to Lily, baby.

No. No. I can’t. I can’t. It’s too damaging. I don’t even like saying it.

The two of you can help each other. 

No, no, Sam, please. I can’t. It’s not fair to him.

I think he loves you.

I loved you! And you died. 

Tell him, baby. 

You squeeze your eyes shut, shaking your head, tears continuing to spill on your cheeks. This was too much; all of this was too much. 

You take his hands away from your face, pressing your forehead against his. You couldn’t tell him.

Not yet.

You couldn’t tell him about your baby girl.

Your forever three-year-old.

Not yet.

Not yet. 

So instead, you kiss him. 

(Taglist - thank you for all your support my beauties, it means the world - @mysticpeachobject @kellsck @eddiesguitarskills @fearless-wretch-insanity @darknesseddiem @amberolivia666

[kickthecan-revolution]

Things took a big turn for the better. When I got home Wednesday night, I sat in my car, dreading coming up to my house. That night, Bud and Minnie slept with me on my bed really close, and I woke up oddly grieving it being just the three of us. I talked out loud to them both and said this needs to change, I can’t have this stress anymore it isn’t good for any of us. So you need to start being more accepting of this, because it’s happening. We are doing a good thing and it’s important we keep trying. Likely saying that all out loud was important for me because I just shifted into a new resolve. And since then? It’s been softer. Peach is much softer, she learning how not to jump on the big girls. And Minnie is just…softer. Still growly but walked into her room a bit. Bud is better too. Now I’m just laying in my bed trying to relax, and I kind of don’t care where any of them are. They all have vet appointments later at 4pm and I’ll have to give the big girls gabapentin for that. I’ve shopped and packed for Kim’s birthday weekend, I made a playlist of all her favorite songs for a dance party - I’ll need to cook a breakfast casserole tomorrow morning and leave by 6:30 to grt there by 8am. I have a Housesitter coming to feed the cats who I need to leave a bunch of notes for. I have one work meeting but that’s about it. I’m very much looking forward to being away with women I love, who love me, having fun and not thinking about animals. P

My intuitive coach has changed my life. I’m a different person, and looking back I know I’ll be so proud of and thankful for this growth.

[actualmichelle]

venting below because I am still Alone and want to write out my thoughts. I miss talking to people :(

Vin is mad at me, I think (not that I blame him...). He was out and about a lot for an hour or so this morning, and snuggled with me when I first woke up. But after that he’s pretty much been under my bed except when he eats/drinks or uses his litter box.

Like I am pretty sure he’s just pissed but I’m still worried. He experienced a lot yesterday.... his rabies/distemper boosters, a rectal exam, gabapentin, the bejesus scared out of him re: the carrier, PLUS whatever constipation issues he had going on to begin with. I guess it makes sense for him to be a bit out of sorts, it has only just been 24hrs ago.

It’s soooo much harder when there’s no one witnessing this stuff here with me. I keep going oh he’s fine just give it a day or two for him to calm down. But then I swing wildly in the opposite direction and am like but what if....so and so happens or is happening??? Usually there’s someone around for me to talk to who knows the situation just as well. I suppose I don’t trust myself.

This is reinforcing my opinion that I probably shouldn’t have pets after these dudes. I love them very much but being the sole caretaker is too much for me, and that is what would end up happening eventually.

I think Kiki has been the only ‘easy’ one, for whatever reason. I worry about her because I worry about literally everything but she’s just so easygoing. Vee was absolutely the opposite, and Vin is kind of closer to Vee.

ANYHOW hopefully this is just a me being anxious issue rather than a ‘there is actually something objectively concerning happening’ issue.I suppose the best I can do is wait and see. Hopefully he starts bouncing back a bit more tonight/tomorrow. 

[billgavemeextrachips]

My housemate wants me to sweep downstairs and vacuum the common areas at least twice a week because of my cat’s dander. This is triggering a lot of shame about me being a “slob” and also worry that I won’t physically be able to keep up a routine like this because of my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. But I can’t say no because I need a good reference when I start looking for a new place to live next month, and also I just… Can’t Say No. It’s kind of one of my issues.

 My cat (11 next month) is now on gabapentin for her arthritis pain. I can tell it’s helping her, but the only affordable option is a liquid that I have to squirt in her mouth twice a day while pinning her against me and she hates it. She tries to hide when it’s med time and cries when I pick her up anyway. So that’s a thing I have to deal with.

 Last night I actually did some Google searches about rehoming a cat and I burst into tears. (Disgusting, I know.) Money isn’t too much of an issue yet, and her “behavior problems” are mostly my housemate being an asshole. (Cat is not aggressive, doesn’t pee outside of box, she’s just struggling with grooming now that she’s older.) So I don’t think I’ll have to do it, but even just thinking about giving her up wrecks me.

 My right shoulder keeps trying to climb up to my ear due to tight muscles (painful) and I keep getting a fluttering feeling in the left side of my chest (not painful but scary.) I think these are both stress-related but don’t know how to make them stop.

 I’m supposed to help my family with Dad’s move-out this Saturday. I don’t know how useful I’ll be, being a Physical Wreck™ and all. Nor do I know what I’m walking into emotionally. Mom and Dad have been civil so far (that I’ve seen) but my brother’s birthday dinner was awkward AF and left me feeling very sad for everything we’ve lost.

 I can’t talk to my ex-therapist because she’s bought into (literally paid hundreds of dollars for some scam-ass program) a bunch of life coaching mumbo-jumbo and now I can’t be messy™ with her for even two minutes before she’ll try to make me “look for the positives” and “remember my strengths” and “create a plan” and shit.

 I can’t talk to my best friend because she has the empathy of a rock, and also she just started a new job with an insane commute so if I do call her, I’ll have to listen patiently to her rant about that for half an hour before she even asks me, “So how are things?”

 I can’t confide how I’m feeling about my parents’ divorce to either of my parents (obviously) or to my brother, because Dad straight up emotionally abused him and the last thing he needs is dad’s golden child whining to him because she feels sad.

 I can maybe talk to my kid sister or my grandmother about how I’m feeling about the family stuff, but I’ll have to tread lightly. I can’t talk to either of them about the housemate stuff because 1) my sister has no life experience here, and 2) my grandmother is a clean freak who doesn’t like cats so she’d be the opposite of helpful.

 Meanwhile my self-esteem is in the shitter because I keep ruminating on my family’s fucked-uppedness, and where’s the line between being kind versus enabling the assholes in my life, and who would ever love me, etc., etc., etc.

 And to top it all off, an employee I’ve been hounding for overdue paperwork for months just pulled a stunt that I can only describe as “malicious compliance.” I passed it on to my boss via email and told her I actually wanted to cry. (Again, ew gross, I know.)

 I must be ready for my full cyber-conversion because I’m sick of having feelings about anything.

[eponymous-rose]

All of the pet urgent care facilities are either closed or at capacity today, so it’s time to yell my Cat Anxieties into the void until they open tomorrow. Advice greatly appreciated.

Cut for gross cat stuff (tw: emetophobia).

So Clara vomits pretty rarely - maybe once every two months, if she has a hairball or eats too fast - and she does hiccup once or twice a few days a week (the vets have seen videos of this and have proclaimed it normal, just one of her little idiosyncracies). This Tuesday, she freaked me out by throwing up four times in rapid succession, but she managed to hork up a giant hairball (bigger than any before) and seemed 100% afterwards, so I wasn’t too concerned. Then yesterday (Friday) she regurgitated her food - again, she’d been running around right after eating, not too unusual, but alarm bells are starting to ring.

She just threw up again today (and again, it’s regurgitated whole kibble pieces), so I’m officially worried and calling around to see who can take a look at her.

I will say that her behavior is mostly normal (a little extra-agitated, with some longer-lasting zoomies than usual, but she’s also a Very Energetic Cat who gets worked up when it rains, and she just got some new toys to play with, so it’s hard to say). Immediately after regurgitating the food, she came running up to me trilling and ready to play. Clear eyes, pink gums, hanging out in all her usual haunts, all that good stuff. Eating normally, including her lickable treat, and her diet hasn’t changed in over a year, so it’s not an adjustment to a new brand or anything. Drinking normally as well, from bowls cleaned daily. Litter box? Totally normal in number, type, and consistency. She’s an otherwise healthy almost-three-year-old cat who’s up to date on her shots and yearly checkups.

All of that makes me think we’re more on the “food allergy/sensitivity” side of the spectrum, well away from something more urgent like “bowel obstruction”. I am mostly Concerned with a capital “C” because she loooooves chewing on things. All strings, feathers, etc. are locked away from her because she will swallow them. I wonder if she may have something that’s not an urgent issue that’s just been sitting in her gut for long enough that it’s occasionally a problem. (The other Concerned aspect is, of course, that I had the very bad luck in 2020 of adopting a terminally ill 7-month-old kitten and now I am paranoid about every bad turn Clara has in case it’s a repeat of her brother’s scenario.)

I think she should be fine until tomorrow morning - honestly, she’s probably fine until Monday, but I don’t want to take chances. I’ve even got a gabapentin left over from her last vet appointment, so she should be nice and calm and much less stressed than a vet appointment would usually cause her to be. But any advice or anecdotes are greatly appreciated!

[perplexingluciddreams]

Had another appointment today with the doctors over video. It went well, I feel like things are finally starting to happen.

They were also really great about asking the right questions without taking too long in the appointment. I do have very bad fatigue and symptoms (PEM - post exertional malaise) always after appointments, but in order to get the support I need, it is necessary.

The things we (my dad and I- my dad did the talking for me today instead of my mum) discussed with the doctors were:

Loss of speech and fine motor control, is it autistic catatonia? They said they would speak to a psychiatrist about it and see if I can get an appointment with her to discuss further. Also the “freezing” or “getting stuck” and I’ve had some motor tics recently which may all be connected.

We talked about the new medication (gabapentin) and we’re still upping the dose slowly, I’ve not had any negative side-effects at all so that’s really positive (especially with my history of how I react to medication).

My partially dislocated thumb joint, and how painful it is.

Overall pain levels and worsening health, weakness, pain, etc.

Hypermobility and how it can cause stiffness and muscle pain- when stabilising muscles are weak, active/movement muscles may reflexively be triggered to contract. I believe some (not all) of my muscle pain is due to this. Especially with my level of inactivity due to being mostly bedbound.

But I also asked about getting more “structured support”, for example postural support for sitting, braces for walking - my ankle and knee joints have been incredibly unstable for a long time and I’ve been saying for ages that leg braces (like AFOs or something similar) would help me so much. They took that into account and made a note of it.

We also bought some aids for around the house to help me move around more safely. So far we have two suction handles for the bath, and we have ordered a pressure cushion (for less pressure and pain when spending long periods sat - propped up - in bed without moving), a frame with handles for around the toilet, and we’re trying to find a suitable bed-rail-support-handle-thingy to help me safely get in and out of bed without sliding onto the floor or hurting myself.

The amazing doctors (well, doctor and nurse- from psychology/psychiatry- they’re basically being a liaison for us with every part of my care team) said they’d been in touch with my main doctor (rheumatologist) who has spoken to an occupational therapist who should call us very soon to work out more aids and supports for around the house especially.

Dysphoria and how it’s very difficult never knowing if my health is going to be good enough to transition.

Overall I’m very happy with the result of this appointment. Things seem like they’re actually getting going, finally! Of course not everything is ideal, especially with the inaccessible house and my desperate need for a powerchair that I’m going to have to wait a long time for (and my still rapidly worsening health), but I’m feeling much more hopeful knowing that small things are going to happen that will make a slight difference to my quality of life.

((I also used my AAC device in the appointment and I am proud of myself because I think I communicated very well)) :D

[xgh0ulx]

A conversation (summed up) with my therapist today, who I appreciate very much.

“I got prescribed gabapentin for my 2 week long migraine, 3x the amount I was given for surgery and she wants to titrate up, that’s the starting dose”

Her eyes widen

“Did it help?”

I sigh

“Not really. Back when I had surgery it helped my headache but I had only headaches back then. Nothing compared to what I get now. I’m scared to tell the doctor it didn’t work. I’m scared she’ll think I just don’t want to get better”

You see something in her head clicked into place when I said that. She knew exactly what to say.

“Every single patient of mine with chronic illness has that fear. The fear of being seen as not wanting to get better.”

I want to post this to let other people with chronic illness have that moment that I had, of “oh shit! I’m not alone” because it can feel like no one has your back when you’re in a world that wasn’t built for you.

[therubymuse]

Revelations

This post is for my trans sisters specifically. It uses gendered language and discusses body part realities specific to trans girls. Thanks for understanding babes.

So, I feel like I owe my sisters an apology. Cause when I started this, I was absolutely certain that surgery didn’t make me a woman. And I still believe that. But I feel like there is as nuance in the statement “I feel complete” that I was lacking, and that I may have disregarded your realities in my haste to prove that surgery doesn’t make the woman.

And for this I’m sorry, babes.

What I didn’t understand is the very visceral connection with this part of our bodies. As a trans girl I’ve been made to feel pretty nice in this body, all things considered. Certainly a lot more connected to myself than I ever did presenting as a guy. I regarded my sexuality as nice to have, but never crucial to my identity, and that prevented me from exploring it, beyond as a call and response to things done to me.

I’m a fairly rare case in the realm of trans femme bottom surgery, in that in the last four days, my nerves have been ping-ponging this way and that, lighting up a region of my body I’ve largely tried to ignore for the last 30 years. They have me on gabapentin for nerve sensation because it’s literally so loud my brain is on fire.

There are various medical reasons for this. I have been known to be hugely sensitive to stimulation since starting HRT. I’m also a bit of a medical marvel in my history, as the only babe ever born out in Tofino with Horner’s Syndrome, and a textbook case at that (I was documented and put in textbooks at BC Children’s Hospital for some time).

But there’s also a reason I’ve been considering, that is less medical and more spiritual. I’m a witch by trade, a sea hag, and I believe in the power of the divine mother whose life flows within every branch and every wave and every gust of wind on this earth. The Goddess.

Now I don’t believe that a devine feminine being appears in any specific way. Trans people have been known to us since before time immemorial, but we have been cut down and cut back by those that feared what we were. Up until 20th century medicine, there was no gender surgery for trans people. We were as we were. So I would never suggest that trans people approach their divine energies only when made to look or function a specific way.

But what I think I am discovering is that the divine feminine in myself, needed this. There was no way to reach her otherwise. Now that the offending ligament has been repurposed, it’s energy has dispersed, to be replaced by what feels like a connection to the goddess herself, bridling with energy and sensation, waving in the night sky, whistling in the wind, ebbing with the tide. It pulsates when my partners smile at me, warms me when I eat food I love, it tingles when I watch curious videos on my phone. When I am in pain, it writhes and flails.

I think this was the missing piece to my puzzle, not to be duplicated or expected from anyone. Just for me. And now I understand, tears streaming down my face, what you meant when you said “complete”.

Thank you,

Your Girl Lily

[queen-beefcake-sqx]

I feel like death and I have no clue how to fix it. I can’t up my gabapentin because I have none of my meds here because I changed bags. I’ve already almost thrown up twice because I’m crying and my throat keeps closing up. Typing is getting me to refocus so it’s kind of calming me down, but god my brain picked the worst week to go into a dip.

And if I stop to think too long I start crying again. This sucks! I’m hiding in my room because I’m so scared of my coworkers seeing me. I just want to go back to bed. I just want to go to sleep.

Half tempted to email my therapist and beg her for a lunchtime call. Ugh ugh. Today is awful. This is awful.

[ask-a-vetblr]

Hello! Is there a way for me to convincingly stress to vets that as much as possible needs to be done in the room with us?

My cat is just. Very attached to my roommate, my partner, and me, and she has violent tendencies.

When we’ve brought her to the vet before she’s been fine in the exam room with us, nervous but exploring and getting in and out of her carrier, but as soon as they bring her back to do anything out of the room she starts YELLING and attacking.

She had some teeth removed a few years ago and was so violent coming out of sedation that they couldn’t even get the cone on her, I had to do it when we got home. (The nurse said she “knows a lot of naughty words”).

She’s a rescue with overstimulation issues who was returned and abandoned multiple times, and has formed a bond with us, and has calmed down a lot at home, but in vet settings is really stressed, clipping her neck and medication (she’s been given a mild sedative for us to give her before the appointment, I think gabapentin?) don’t seem to help significantly.

Obviously I won’t be getting her an appointment until covid cases have gone down enough that I’m able to be in exam room, just wondering if there’s anything I can do to reduce the stress of this for her :(

Sueanoi here,

You tell your vet the same way you tell us; “my cat is known to become extremely aggressive and cannot be restrained without my presence”. Your firm statement will initiate a serious conversation of what they could offer to do. They will have to come up with a solution for your situation themselves. I cannot know what their response would be. You have to negotiate the rest of the conversation yourself.

gettingvetted here.

You may consider reading this post on my home blog. In general, at least in the US, there isn’t really a situation where the vet staff needs or wants help from the pet owner to handle their animal.

[the-adventures-of-dave]

what's your opinion on medicinal cbd for cats? my cat started overgrooming about a month ago and (after i rearranged my living space so she had more room to play, made a small blanket fort for her to hide in, and did an obscene amount of research) i eventually came to the conclusion that she was doing it simply because of anxiety, since nothing (food, living space, etc) had changed to stress her out and she wasn't improving. i got a bottle of cbd oil and i've been mixing literal drops in spoonfuls of wet food for her, and she's already improving at an honestly miraculous rate (no longer overgrooming, letting the scabs she'd made heal, fur starting to grow back, generally less skittish and frantic), but i'm scared that i'm somehow secretly harming her. i'm not sure where i'm going with this other than knowing you've encountered medical issues with dave, so i'm hoping you understand what i mean with my own anxiety and wanting to find the best solution for her.

To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of CBD for pets. 

It’s a sorely under-researched topic due to the stigma surrounding cannabis, so we don’t really know the extent it can help or harm pets yet. So far everything I’ve heard on it has been entirely anecdotal. While not always a bad thing, it’s hard for me to support anything medicinal that doesn’t have some scientific backing. 

It’s also incredibly unregulated, so you don’t know what you’re going to get. It could be made using cheap solvents that may be toxic for your cat. There’s also the chance that it still has traces of THC in it, which can be deadly to cats in high enough doses. Because it’s not regulated, two bottles of CBD oil could have completely different amounts of useful substance. One could be 98% filler but the two brands would still be allowed to be marketed the exact same.

There’s a lot of alternatives to CBD that are more well-researched that can be used instead. Anti-anxiety suppliments like zylkene, pheromone diffusers like feliway, or medications like gabapentin or fluoxetine can be just as effective as CBD, but they all have the bonus of being researched and approved by veterinary professionals.

Dave and Kep are both on fluoxetine (prozac) for anxiety, and we have a feliway diffuser. Those things have helped their anxiety immensely, and knowing both products have been extensively researched has helped ease my anxiety too.

Sorry this isn’t what you were hoping to hear, but personally I don’t think it’s worth the risk until it has been researched farther. If your vet thinks the CBD is a good idea and your cat is doing well on it, great! I don’t think it’s something I would endorse until it has more scientific backing though. 

[emeraldlyaqua]

I desperately need advice about my very old, dementia dog, please!

I have a 16 year old husky mix. She has always had anxiety. But a few months ago, her anxiety started getting worse and worse. She would start panting, pacing, swinging her head back and forth, scratching on every door or surface she could find. And when I say scratching, I mean jumping up on two legs and pounding the door with all her might, almost breaking some of them. She is half blind, and at first we thought it was anxiety from going blind. I work at a vet clinic as a treatment tech, so I brought her in, did a full physical exam, blood work, urinalysis, and everything came back perfect. My theory is that she may have dementia.

We put her on Gabapentin. It worked for a few days, and then stopped working and she was back to having complete panic attacks. We then put her on trazodone, which also worked for a few days then stopped. We upped her dose at least three times and it didn’t work. Before, she would have an attack, not be able to find any peace all night until morning or sometimes later, then have a few good days. But as the days went by, the attacks happened more and more frequently. Right now, its to the point where none of us are sleeping, and she is constantly in a state of panic unless she is completely drugged, and even then she fights it. She is now sometimes up, pacing, scratching, panting, shaking like a leaf, for over a day straight. Even when she finally manages to rest, she is trembling like crazy in her sleep.

She will pace around, almost get comfortable, and then suddenly she jerks around like a bomb went off in her ear even though there is no sounds and nothing going on, and she’ll run around and scratch and pant in mindless panic. This happens in a cycle; panic, start to relax, jerk up suddenly and panic again. She gets so desperate in her panic she tries to fit into corners and knock everything over in her attempts. We’ve tried noise machines, soft music, singing, sitting with her, petting her, meds, nothing works. Its like she’s not even herself anymore. And all the diagnostics we did came back normal. I’ve even had two vets look at her.

She used to have moments where she would be playful and normal like herself again, but as of three days ago, its been constant panic. I’m desperate for advice on what to do. In the back of my mind I don’t think this is much of a life for her. Constant panic. But it sucks trying to make a decision to euthanize when she is not physically sick. But even though she isn’t suffering physically, she is suffering so bad mentally. I guess my question is, what is the right thing to do here? I need help or maybe just affirmation. If anyone could give me their two cents, I would very, very much appreciate it.

[altheterrible]

I have a doctor's appointment and I have a long list of concerns I need to address.

1. I need the dose increased on my beta blocker, my ACE inhibitor, and my statin. Being middle aged and having stage 3 kidney failure is catching up with my circulatory system, and my heart rate doesn't go below 100 anymore. My blood pressure has been elevated the last few times I've had it checked as well. As for the statin, per heart disease guidelines I should be on a high intensity statin regimen.

2. I want to ask about initiating pioglitazone. It’s an antidiabetic medication that decreases insulin resistance and improves glucose metabolism in muscle cells. Victoza has been helping my blood sugar a lot, but it also affects my mood. I thought I was just imagining it until I did some research and found that depression and insomnia are reported side effects. I've taken pioglitazone previously and it was decently effective, so hopefully if I can start it, I can use less insulin. This is something I should probably talk to my Endo about, but I'm not seeing her for several weeks

3. I need a referral to a pulmonologist so I can get new pulmonary function tests and see what options I have for increasing my endurance. I'm thinking pulmonary rehab might be useful?

4. I need a referral to a sleep doctor for a new sleep test so I can get more effective CPAP settings, also to see if I have a sleep disorder other than ADHD lmao. I'd be interested in trying modafinil if I get my CPAP adjusted and I'm still not feeling rested.

5. I need a referral to an allergy doctor so I can figure out if I have MCAS or something else, I just need to get these random allergic reactions under control because it's nerve wracking never knowing what's going to trigger anaphylaxis

6. I probably need a referral to a nephrologist? I’m juuuuust at the point where my meds might need to be adjusted for renal function

7. I would love it if I could get a higher dose of gabapentin. I'm on 600 mg BID. Dosing maxes out at something like 5000 mg/day so there's room to go up, and right now it’s helping the burning and tingling in my hands and feet so I feel like a higher dose would help more. However, it's a controlled substance in my state and even though it's a C5 the fact it’s controlled means doctor’s don't want to prescribe it.

8. I need to ask about insomnia meds. My psych took me off all insomnia meds bc trazodone doesn't work and makes me sick, and doxepin doesn't work, so she decided I just don't need sleep I guess. I've had some success in the past with clonazepam and temazepam, but again, they’re controlled, specifically C4s, so there's the reluctance to prescribe. Also long term constant used of benzos for sleep isn't actually effective for me anyway. I'm interested in trying low dose (5mg) Ambien, and that's a C5, so that might go over better. Gabapentin helps me STAY asleep, but I can’t GET TO SLEEP.

Also, doctors have been telling me since 2012 that the reason I feel so tired and shitty is because my blood sugar is out of control. Maybe now that my numbers are improving (estimated A1c less than 8, baby!) we can consider other causes. I think I have "just got a janky body" disease.

[bishiglomper]

I saw kidney doc today. Just because I had a kidney infection and my primary learned about my wonky kidneys. I think she was like "I don't know what to do with these so go have a nephrologist check you out." 😂

He said my kidney function had only just barely started to show abnormal results. But since i have a hard working kidney, he says it's gonna poop out eventually. 😳 so to be safe, i guess, we'll do things. First is going off naproxen because its hard on kidneys.

But but

Besides the muscle relaxants thats the only other thing I take to help control my every day pain! 😭 I've done gabapentin and meloxicam and lyrica... I don't think Tylenol is any safer on my organs. Or ibuprofen. Mom told me to ask about diclofenac but it tore up her stomach, so I dont think that would be an organ-friendly option either...

I'm probably going to end up asking my pain clinic doc but i dont know what options i have left because im sure he's going to do his best to keep me away from actual narcotics. I wonder how he feels about cannabis.

I wouldnt want edibles either though. For the same reason i didnt want to resort to muscle relaxants. I hear they knock you tf out. Even small doses. I want more energy and consciousness to do stuff, not more reasons to sit here like wilting vegetation.

[fbwzoo]

Phoebe got her intro visit/ wellness check today! She looks great, though they couldn't do a toe check & nail trim bc she was upset. So we're gonna take her in with Shilo in a couple weeks after she gets some gabapentin to be calmer. We're not overly concerned, she just has weirdly big toes, we think, and we're curious what the vet thinks.

Also she's 9.8 pounds, and they said that was a healthy weight for her, so that's reassuring! She feels like a bowling ball when we pick her up because she looks smaller than that. 😂 Shilo will help keep her active and exercised. And I think I'm going to start doing wet food breakfasts for them on my days off, since they like it and wet food is generally lower calorie.