#I’m stuck in this loop of wanting to tell but wanting yall to read

[seven-thewanderer]

…I kinda wanna ramble about the book

[deanstead]

Somebody’s Watching

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Request by danipearl16: Request- Jay has a girlfriend that nobody knows about and then they get a case where she’s being stalked and her stalker is killings women that seem to remind him of her and it turns out to be her ex-boyfriend from high school and Jay starts going downhill a little bit because he’s worried about her. Also his girlfriend is more on the younger than his side by 7 years

Word Count: 4,365

Warnings: cursing, mention of sexual assault/misconduct (non-graphic), mention of non-con touching, stalking, minor OC death, mention of injury, angst, fluff

A/N: Please beware of the triggers before you continue reading! I changed some parts to fit into the storyline but I still hope you like what I did with it! I’m pretty excited about this fic so I really really hope yall will like it! It’s my first time writing such a detailed case in so I hope it turned out well? Please hit me up and let me know what you think! Love yall!

---

You looked up from where you were sprawled on the couch, fiddling with your phone. Jay was sitting at the table, a small frown across his face as he pored over case notes.

Jay usually didn’t bring his work home with him but they’d just closed a big case and he had spent a whole week in the district. So instead of spending more time there to finish the paperwork, Jay had opted to bring it home instead.

You smiled to yourself just as Jay looked up. “Sorry babe.” He said, making a little face at the papers strewn across the table.

Chuckling, you climbed off the couch and moved towards him. You stood behind him, looping your arms around his shoulders, resting your chin on his shoulder. “I missed you.” You whispered.

Jay turned slightly, tugging you so that you now landed in his lap.

“Missed you too.” He whispered, smiling as one of his arms snaked around your waist, holding you securely to him, another hand reaching up to cup your cheek. “Sorry I’ve been busy.”

You shook your head, smiling.

You’d been dating for a while but no one else knew. Both of you had agreed to keep it on the down low, partly because of your age difference. Even though you had agreed you’d keep it quiet at least for the first few months, it had been a lot more than that and it had been going so well that you didn’t really want to purposefully invite anyone into this world that Jay and you had created for yourselves. Rather than keeping it a secret, you guys just hadn’t made the effort to tell anyone or publicize it to the world. This also meant that when he was stuck at the district, you didn’t get to see him but on such days, Jay was always mindful about checking in.

“What’s on your mind?” Jay asked.

“Just thinking I’m lucky to have you.” You responded, leaning in to try to give him a hug. Instead, Jay stroked your cheek and pressed his lips to yours. “Now, I really need to finish this.”

You laughed. “Go forth.”

---

Jay had taken a few well-deserved days of furlough, which he had mostly spent curled up with you. You didn’t have any complaints, it had been just what you both needed.

But Intelligence couldn’t catch a break. It was Jay’s first day back and now, he was already walking up to a crime scene.

Jay pushed the yellow crime scene tape upwards, letting Hailey walk through ahead of him before following behind her.

“What do we have?” Jay asked, approaching the spot where Adam and Kim were standing.

Kim turned. “Kate Whitewood, 22, stabbed multiple times.”

“She’s not in the system. No priors, nothing.” Adam added.

“No belongings on her?” Voight asked, looking around.

Adam shook his head. Jay frowned. “There’s barely any blood here.”

Kevin nodded, jogging forward to join them. “This is probably just the dump site. She must have been killed elsewhere.”

Hailey stood from where she had bent to examine the body. “She has defensive wounds on her. Maybe we’ll get lucky and find skin under her fingernails.”

Jay bent forward slightly. “What are those? Marks around her neck? We need to get her to the ME to get the exact cause of death.”

“Kim, bag her hands and get forensics to run a deluxe.” Voight said, as Kim nodded.

“My CI works this street, let me see what I can find out.” Jay said, turning away.

---

“So Kate was last seen at this bar right in town.” Hailey said, walking in and sticking a screenshot onto the board, which showed a camera view of the street outside the bar.

Kate could be seen on the image, her head turned slightly as she waved to someone, a man standing by her side. Hailey tapped the image.

“We can’t find this guy. His face is always turned away from the camera, facial recognition is out.”

Voight nodded. “Jay, have you heard from your CI?”

Jay nodded, resting slightly against Hailey’s desk, his arms crossed in front of him. “My guy says there haven’t been any deals going down. I think we can rule out drugs or gangs. Streets have been quiet ever since that big bust we did last month.”

“It was 28 degrees out last night, ME couldn’t find the exact time of death. But there were signs she was raped, signs of asphyxiation and five penetration wounds from a knife.” Kevin said, opening the file he had gotten from the medical examiner earlier.

Voight turned to Kim. “Who was she?”

Kim sighed. “Kate was a hard worker, she had just started her job as a receptionist at a dentist’s office in South Loop. Dad’s MIA, Mum’s remarried and relocated to New York so she’s living on her own.”

“Have we found who she was with last night?”

Adam nodded. “I’ve gone through her phone. Looks like she was meeting her friend Grace at the club last night.”

“We need to talk to her. I want to know about the last day of Kate’s life. Timeline. Check all sex offenders in the area. Comb her social media. Let’s go.” Voight instructed.

---

Jay knocked on the main door, glancing sideways at Hailey. The door swung open.

“Grace Archer? I’m Detective Upton, this is Detective Halstead, can we come in?” Hailey asked.

She furrowed her brows. “What’s this about?”

“You’re friends with Kate Whitewood?” Hailey asked, without directly answering her question. She nodded and without missing a beat, Hailey continued, “We need to ask you a few questions about last night.”

Grace stepped back to let them in, her face falling as she led them to the sitting room.

“I heard from her parents. The whole thing’s horrible.” Grace whispered, wrapping her hands around herself.

“Can you tell us what you remember?” Jay asked.

Grace looked up. “Kate’s boyfriend had broken up with her a few months ago, so I took her out. She needed to get out again.”

“Were you approached by anyone?” Hailey asked.

“Several.” She answered.

“Anyone that stood out?”

Grace paused, trying to recall. “Kate didn’t even really want to go. She barely looked at the guys… except…”

Hailey sat up a little. “There must have been something about this guy that she left with, something unique. We have a photo of him on the surveillance tape. Flashy?”

Grace nodded, “Yeah, he had this like... attitude… like he was hitting on us but he was making a joke of it at the same time.” She paused. “The last thing she told me was that she had a great time… I shouldn’t have forced her to come out.”

“This isn’t your fault.” Hailey leaned over and patted Grace comfortingly on the arm. “Thanks for talking to us. Please call us if you think of anything else.”

As Jay walked out of Grace’s house with Hailey, he looked at his partner. “This guy’s confident, he’s smooth and it doesn’t look like he knew Kate or Grace.”

---

For the rest of the day, the team had almost combed through the whole of Kate’s whereabouts before she had disappeared and all they had was a big fat nothing.

Jay typed a quick text to you to let you know that he wasn’t going to be able to come over tonight.

You read the text, smiling a little. Jay was busy but it was cute that he always kept you informed. You stopped walking, typing back a reply to tell him it was okay and to do what he had to do, before you kept her phone back into your pocket.

You walked along the street, the same street you walked on every night, frowning a little. You turned around, scanning the street behind you.

You could swear that it was like someone was watching you, or following you. But the street was empty. This wasn’t the first time you had had this feeling - like the little hairs on the back of your neck were standing but you had nothing to back up this feeling you had.

Holding your bag tighter against you, you pushed yourself forward, quickening your footsteps, only letting up as you passed the safety of your apartment building’s front door.

As you passed the threshold of your apartment and closed the door behind you, you pulled out your phone, staring at it for a while. Part of you wanted to call Jay, to hear his voice and have him tell you that you were just tired, imagining things. But the rational part of your brain convinced yourself that everything was okay, reminding you that Jay was so busy and deep in a case, he really shouldn’t have to worry about you.

Ultimately, you put your phone on the counter, chuckling at yourself. Maybe you really were too tired.

---

By the next morning, another body had turned up, not two streets away from the first dump site.

Jay felt an uneasy feeling spread in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the photo of the new victim that was already up on the board. They had a serial killer in Chicago and this guy’s victim type had physical characteristics that were scarily similar to you.

“Jay.” Hailey broke Jay out of his thoughts. “Emma Green, 23, strangulation marks, six stab wounds.”

Jay turned to his partner and nodded. “Did they go to the same club?”

Hailey handed Jay a file. “No, but look at what we picked up on the surveillance camera.” Jay opened the file, studying the photo.

“This is our guy isn’t it?” He pointed at a male figure who was standing next to their second victim, his face still hidden from the camera, wearing a plain cap.

“Hey guys, I might have found a link.” Kim said, walking in. “I checked the employee records and there’s a bartender that works in both clubs and he was on shift on each day our victims went missing. He’s got a prior for aggravated assault and harassment.”

“We’ll take it.” Jay said, grabbing his jacket and heading out of the district.

Hailey fell into step next to him, glancing at him. “Jay, you okay?”

Jay nodded. “Let’s just get this son of a bitch.”

They travelled the rest of the way in silence. Hailey seemed to pick up that this case was affecting Jay differently but she didn’t press further, allowing Jay to lead the way into the closed club.

“Ben Carlton?”

The bartender looked up from where he was, his eyes falling onto the police badge that was hung around Jay’s neck.

In a sudden motion, he ducked out and ran.

“Hey, stop!” Jay yelled, as both he and Hailey launched themselves after him, Hailey shooting out the front door to try to head him off.

“5021 George, I have a suspect fleeing on foot.” Jay called into his radio, sprinting after the bartender.

The bartender barely made it onto the next street before Hailey flung herself at him around the corner, rolling onto the ground as Jay pulled out his gun. “Don’t move!” He yelled, as Hailey pulled the bartender to his feet.

“Let’s go.” Jay snarled.

---

“It wasn’t me!” Ben yelled as he sat in the interrogation room, facing Jay and Hailey.

Jay sighed internally, watching Ben’s reactions and the way he was answering the questions Hailey was shooting at him.

“Those were mistakes, I didn’t do this!” He yelled again.

Jay pushed himself upright, getting up from where he was leaning against the wall and pushing the photos of the victims onto the table. “This. Look at this. We can place these girls at the bars you worked at just before they died.”

“Look.” Ben said, looking up at Jay. “I saw them but they left before I even finished my shift.”

Jay glanced at Hailey. “Who did they leave with?” Hailey asked.

Ben looked from Hailey to Jay. “Look, I don’t know the guy, he’s not a regular. But he’s white, about their age. I noticed him because he headed for them the moment that he walked in. Like he knew they were there.”

Before Jay or Hailey moved, a knock came from the door.

“You guys gotta see this.” Adam said, sticking his head in.

“Sit tight.” Jay said to Ben, following Adam outside, where Kevin was waiting as well.

Kevin handed the file to Jay. “We got another one.” Jay flipped open the file, which told him what he already feared. Another victim, of a physical type that not only matched the first two victims but also you.

Jay looked up. “His cooling off period is getting shorter. We need to get this son of a bitch.”

---

The feeling was getting a little stronger that someone had been watching you.

You glanced over your shoulder but as usual the street was empty. Maybe you needed to stop staying late.

You turned back towards the front. There were sounds of footsteps but you swallowed the lump in your throat, quickening your pace as discreetly as you could.

It definitely felt like someone was following you now. You were almost running by the time you rounded the corner, colliding with someone.

You gave a yelp of surprise.

“Y/N!”

You had collided with Jay.

You let out a breath, spinning around to look over your shoulder.

“What’s going on? You okay?” Jay’s eyes snapped from you to the empty street behind you.

You turned back to look at Jay. Now that he was standing in front of you, it didn’t seem that scary anymore - maybe you had imagined the whole thing.

You shook your head, taking one last glance behind you. “What are you doing here? You finished the case?”

Jay smiled but the smile didn’t really reach his eyes. “Just wanted to check in on you. I have to go back soon.”

You reached for his hand without saying anything and that’s how the both of you walked back to your apartment, your hand clenched securely in his, almost like the both of you had a tight bubble around you.

You could tell Jay’s mind was far away, and it was even more unlike him to come see you in the middle of a case. You knew there was something troubling him but you weren’t one to press. Jay would tell you when he felt he could or he wanted to.

Instead, you just squeezed his hand.

Almost as if you were prying him from his thoughts, Jay looked at you and smiled. He pulled you closer to him, tucking you under his arm.

“You’re okay, right?” You asked, without looking up at him, just as he escorted you to your door.

Jay turned to look at you and nodded. “I will be, once this case is over.” He leaned forward to give you a kiss. “If anything happens, you call me, okay? No matter what.”

You raised an eyebrow but nodded at him, watching him disappear into the elevator before you retreated back into your apartment.

---

Intelligence had been tirelessly chasing down leads but they now had four bodies and Voight was getting pressure to solve this quickly as well. They needed a break in this case and fast.

“Okay, let’s regroup, what do we have so far?” Voight barked.

“All four victims were raped and found with multiple stab wounds. We know he picks up his victims from bars and appears non-threatening enough that his victims are willing to leave with him.” Jay said, getting up.

Hailey headed to the board, frowning. “We dumped their phones but we weren’t able to find any connection between the victims other than their physical type.” Hailey cast a look at Jay, which Voight didn’t miss. “I think he’s working his way up to something.”

“Hey guys?” Kim spoke up as she walked back in, flipping open the file sitting on her desk. “I went back over the first murder to see if we missed anything. Look at this.”

Kim pulled in her chair, zooming into the photo. “This badge here on his jacket, it’s barely visible so we missed it the first few times. I sent it to the lab to see if they could enhance the image and this is what I got.”

Kim clicked and up popped the crest of a high school. “Look, it’s not just a general badge. Look at the year.”

“Okay, that is the crest for Lincoln High. It’s a jacket given to those who graduated that year.” Kevin said, frowning at it.

“I’ll run the list of students who graduated in that year.” Jay barked, heading straight for his desk, his fingers flying across his keyboard.

Cross-checking was the worst job ever but the moment Jay’s eyes landed on your name on the list of graduates, he pulled it together, eliminating the women, men who had moved out of state or country, until finally he only had three names on the list.

“Okay, I have a Steven Miller, Charles Shoemaker and John Marlin.” Jay finally spoke up as everyone looked up. “But only Steven Miller has priors.”

“For harassment, sexual misconduct, and attempted assault. Sarge, this has to be our guy.” Jay looked up at Voight.

“Do we have an LKA?” Voight asked.

“Already on it.” Adam said.

“Go pick him up.” Adam nodded, motioning to Kevin as they headed out.

Something was bugging Jay. Steven Miller. That name was…

Fuck.

Jay pushed back his chair, entering Voight’s office without knocking and closing the door behind him.

“Sarge.”

Voight looked up, frowning a little at the look on Jay’s face. He put down his pen and leaned back in his chair, looking up at Jay.

“I’ve heard Miller’s name before. It was bugging me, but I remember now.”

Voight sat up straighter.

“I’m seeing his ex-girlfriend.” The words slipped past Jay’s lips. “Sarge, everything makes sense now. The physical type, the way he’s building up because his actual target…” Jay trailed off.

You had told Jay about Steven just once. You hadn’t gone into detail but you had told Jay about the short period that you had been together with Steven – his need for control over all aspects of your life, how he had always been a little rough, how he hadn’t taken any form of rejection well, and how you’d ended it the day he struck you.

“Take Hailey.”

Jay was already halfway to the door.

---

You had left early today.

It had been a while since you had done such an early shift but you’d been feeling more and more uneasy while walking home at night and the news coverage on the murders that were happening at the moment didn’t help.

You didn’t need Jay to tell you that you looked exactly like those girls who had been murdered. It was clear as day.

You fiddled with the key in the lock, opening the door.

You felt your heart drop into your stomach as you registered the person standing in front of you. In your house.

“Steven.” You muttered, your voice trembling, barely registering the butt of a gun heading towards your temple before it went dark.

---

Hailey hadn’t said anything but she knew something was off.

“Jay, what’s going on?” She asked. “How do you know this girl’s the target?”

Jay didn’t answer but pressed harder on the accelerator, gripping the steering wheel so hard, his knuckles were white. The ringing tone going off through his bluetooth speaker in the car making him feel even worse.

“Jay.” Hailey said again. “I’m your partner.”

Jay glanced at her now. “She’s my girlfriend.”

Hailey’s eyebrows shot up. “I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.”

Jay let a beat of silence passed. “Miller’s her ex. I should have seen the signs, the physical type, everything, I…”

“Jay. She’ll be fine. Come on.” Hailey reassured him, as he turned his truck onto the familiar street.

“She’s still not answering.” Jay said, through gritted teeth. He’d been trying to call you since he had left the station.

Without hesitation, Jay bounded up the stairs, Hailey right behind him. From down the corridor, Jay could already tell your door was slightly ajar.

“Hang back.” Jay whispered, pulling out his service weapon.

Jay quietly approached the door. “Y/N?” He opened the door with his foot, freezing as his eyes landed on you, sitting in a chair in the middle of the room, your eyes frantic as Steven held a knife to your throat from where he stood behind you.

Jay gritted his teeth, using his foot to slam the door shut, knowing that Hailey would know what to do.

“Step away from her.” Jay growled, pointing his gun directly at Steven.

Steven smiled. “I was wondering when you’d arrive. Put that down.”

Jay grinded his teeth but didn’t move. You felt the cold blade of the knife press against your skin and inhaled sharply.

“Put. It. Down.” Steven repeated.

“Okay, okay.” Jay said, glancing at you before putting his hands above his head, disarming his gun and putting it down onto the floor.

Steven smiled again, tucking a stray hair behind your ear.

“Don’t you fucking touch her.” Jay growled.

“I don’t think you’re in a position to tell me what to do.” Steven answered.

“Jay, I’m sorry.” You whispered.

Jay looked straight at you. “It’s going to be okay. You focus on me, you hear me? I’m right here.”

“We broke up a long time ago, what the hell are you doing?” You asked. You were afraid, hell you were trembling, but this was crazy and you had to help Jay to find a way out of this.

“We wouldn’t be broken up if he hadn’t come between us.” Steven snarled, moving closer towards you, his lips almost touching your ear.

Jay growled. “Leave her alone.”

Steven looked back up at Jay again.

“What, you mean don’t do this?” Steven asked, crushing his lips against yours.

“Don’t you fucking touch her!” Jay yelled. “Is that what you did? How you forced yourself on all the other girls? What do you want, Steven? What are you trying to accomplish?”

“All I wanted was to be with Y/N! But you took her.” He spat.

“So you decided to go on a rampage?” Jay asked. You saw him twitch like he was looking for something so you started talking, as much as it made you want to gag.

“Steven, why didn’t you just talk to me?” You asked, trying to distract him.

“Talk? All you care about is him!” He yelled, lifting the knife and pointing it at Jay.

It happened in a split second.

The moment he lifted the knife, Jay yelled, “Now, Y/N!”

You threw yourself forward, covering your head with your hands as you heard the gunshots go off, just two. You weren’t sure who was shooting but you didn’t move until you heard Jay’s voice again.

“Y/N, it’s okay, it’s over.” Jay whispered.

You looked up, Jay’s face hovering above you.

“Jay…”

Jay nodded, “It’s okay, come here.”

Jay pulled his arms around you.

“He…” Jay shook his head, shielding your view of Steven’s now motionless body. “Don’t look back, come on.”

Jay tried to lead you out of the apartment, barely making it to the main door before his teammates appeared. “Jay!” Kevin called, as he spotted both of you.

Jay nodded. “Thanks.” Kevin nodded, his eyes lingering on the way Jay was holding you close to his side before making way for Jay to lead you back down to the ground floor where the ambulances were waiting.

Jay led you all the way to the waiting paramedics, not even leaving your side to get himself checked.

You weren’t hurt, not really. There was a little open cut from where Steven had pressed the blade a little too hard when he had been agitated but other than that you were fine. Well, that, and that disgusting feeling that came with remembering how Steven had pressed his lips against yours.

Voight approached you and Jay. Jay squeezed your hand. “I’ll be right back.” You smiled and nodded.

Jay and Voight talked in low voices until Voight turned to look at you. “And she’s okay?”

Jay nodded. “Yeah, she is. I just need to…”

“Do what you need to do. We’ll finish up here.” Voight said, nodding and clapping Jay on the back.

---

The paramedics had dressed the wound on the scene before Jay had brought you back to his apartment.

After getting you into a clean change of clothes and some warm food in you, you had ended up back in your favourite place in the world – on Jay’s couch, in Jay’s apartment, encircled in Jay’s arms.

You lay your head on Jay’s chest.

“So this was all because of me?” You asked in a low voice.

Jay sat up, looking at you. “What?”

“He killed all those women… because of me. I got them killed.” You whispered.

“No, no, baby.” Jay propped himself up, but didn’t let you go. “This is not your fault. Steven he… he did this, not you.”

You looked up at him. “He even… in front of you… he…” You could feel tears welling up in your eyes, you felt disgusting. He’d kissed you, he’d done it in front of Jay and he’d ruined everything.

You hadn’t said that much but Jay just tilted your chin upwards and kissed you. “Jay…”

“I’ll take it all away.” Jay whispered. “I’m sorry, I should have been there sooner.”

You shook your head, swiping away the tears that had slid down your cheeks.

Jay cupped your cheek again, pulling you into his chest. You balled your hand around his shirt, gripping at Jay.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Jay whispered.

“I’ll never let anyone touch you ever again.” He half snarled, still caressing you gently.

You leaned into his embrace, closing your eyes as the sound of Jay’s heartbeat gently lulled you back into the feeling of safety and security.

[santigarcia]

Camping 🏕

Human Touch Part Eight

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven

word count: 3.4k

rating: M for smut, dirty talk, hurt/comfort (pls don’t read unless ur 18+!)

summary: You and Nathan go on a camping trip in your backyard.

a/n: thank you all so much for reading this series! let me know what yall think! thank you to @punkpascal​​ and @sergeantkane​​​ as always!!

Nathan bolts upright in his sleep. His gasp for air wakes you. He’s up and out of the bed before you can ask him what’s wrong. His feet carry him fast across the floor into the bathroom. He doesn’t even close the door all the way before he’s turning on the shower and stepping inside.

You can’t help but worry, so you quietly get up and walk into the bathroom.

“Nathan?” no answer.

You turn the corner and see him sitting on the shower floor. He didn’t even fully undress. His boxers are sticking to his wet thighs. He’s covering his head with his arms.

“Nathan?” you touch the top of his head and he looks up at you. His eyes red from crying. “What’s going on? The dream again?”

He nods.

He struggles to turn his mind of, with you at his side it helps. But it’s not a permanent solution. Sometimes, most times it’s good. That mind of his needs to be working. But there’s a negative side. Nightmares plague his mind. Not often, but often enough it’s troubling to him.

His most frequent one involves you dying at the hand of his AI. Him stuck behind a glass door watching as you fall, covered in your own blood.

“Ok baby, stand up.” You reach for his arm and ‘pull’ him up. There’s no way you can pull him, but he stands up with you. You peel off his shorts, and you take off your sleep shirt. You shove him under the spray and grab his beard wash. You lather it up good and dig your fingers into his beard. He sighs heavily, he’s beginning to relax.

“You had to strip me naked to wash my beard?” he quips.

“There he is,” you grin and kiss his shoulder. “Let’s go for a walk tomorrow ok? Get some fresh air.”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I have those fucked dreams when I overwork.”

“I know,” you nod gently. “Fresh air will do you good. Get out of the house for the day.”

The next morning Nathan is up bright and early. He wakes you up with kisses before the sun’s come up.

“Rise and shine!” he bounces off the bed and throws a pair of your jeans on the bed.

“Someone’s in a good mood,” your eyes creak open and you snort out a soft laugh. “Do you need to go for a walk, boy?” you tease.

“Stop,” he shakes his head. “Maybe I’ll reconsider my plans of taking you up against a tree.”

“No please! Anything but that!” you giggle and throw the blankets back.

While you get dressed, he talks. He’s packed backpacks for you both, and he throws you a piece of fruit for breakfast.

“It might be chilly this morning, so take one of my jackets,” he looks at you softly. You have plenty of jackets, but he likes seeing you in his. “Pick your favorite,” he tells you and you walk right over to his closet and grab the one you always grab. It’s the warmest. It’s also his favorite so it smells like him.

“Ready?” he asks while you pull on his jacket.

“Ready,” you loop your arm with his and you step out the back door together.

He’s better at hiking than you are. If he could he’d sprint up the cliffs and see if he could beat his time. But he likes walking with you. It’s slower, but he can appreciate the view. It’s a gorgeous day.

“Are you just talking about my ass?”

“Maybe,” he grabs a handful causing you to squeal. “It really is a beautiful day.”

“It’s a little chilly for my taste though,” you shiver when a gust of wind blows. You shove your hands in the jacket pockets and you feel a small velvety box. “Nathan?” you pull it out. You stand frozen in the middle of the trail, he’s a few steps ahead of you when he turns.

“Open it.”

You click the box open to find a beautiful diamond ring.

“What’s this for?” you gasp softly.

“Well, you – kitten,” he smiles softly. “Will you marry me?” he comes closer taking the ring out of the box.

“Nathan…”

He puts the ring on your finger and kisses your fingertips. “I’m gonna need an answer kitten.”

“We’re married you goofball! We have been for like three weeks now!” you laugh.

“I know, but I wanted you to have this. I completely forget to take it with me when we got married.”

“How long have you had this?”

His eyes get a little wide and he clears his throat. You swear he’s blushing. His cheeks are pink from the wind, but that’s not it.

“Like a week….after…”

“After what?”

“We met,” he bites his lip, his face is really red now and it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen.

“Nathan,” your throat feels tight and you put your hand on his chest. His heart is thudding rapidly under your palm. “You secret romantic.”

“I knew what I wanted,” he shrugs. “So, that’s a yes?”

You shake your head laughing, but you give him a resounding yes.

“Good, I was scared there for a minute,” he leans in to kiss your lips. Then again. Then one more time.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” he cocks his head.

“You need a ring!”

“I was going to make one.” He takes your hand in his and you start walking again. He tells you about the plan he has for his ring, and why he didn’t make yours. How he would have spent too long on the details and it was easier to buy one than to agonize over it. You smile listening to him ramble. He’s excited.

“Well, I love it,” you tell him, outstretching your hand to look at it. When you reached back for him, you took a wrong step and your foot slips between to rocks. “Nathan, my foot! It's stuck! I think I twisted my ankle!!” you scream louder than you mean to, but the pain and sudden falling scared you.

He whips around and reaches for you, “Ok, whoa, hold still for a second. Let me help you out.” He’s very calm, he doesn’t panic. His hands steadies your teetering body as checks you’re alright.

“I can’t move it!” you start to panic.

“Hey, whoa,” he gently cups your face. “Stay with me, I need you to stay calm. It’s gonna be ok. Let me help you.”

“Ok ok,” you lean into his touch. “It really hurts,” you hiss out in pain. “Sorry I ruined this hike.”

“Don’t worry about it, ok? I know it hurts, I’m gonna help,” he brushes your cheek. “It’s gonna be ok.” He kneels then to check your ankle his hands steady on your leg. “Put your hands on my shoulder- keep your balance.”

He carefully moves one of the rocks aside, and you cry out when your ankle is free.

“I know, baby,” he rubs his thumb gently over your swollen ankle. It’s dirty and there’s a scrape from the rock when you slipped in.

“What now?” you wince.

“Let’s see if you can put weight on it first. If not, I’ll carry you back.”

“You are not carrying me down this mountain Nathan Bateman,” you grunt trying to steady yourself. His hands are on you, keeping you steady. You have your hurt foot up; it hurts too much to step on it. “I- I don’t think I can put weight on it.”

“It’s ok, baby. Let’s get you home, ok?” he wraps his arm around your waist and holds your hand with his other. “Walk with me ok? One step at a time.”

He walks in tandem with you for the rest of hike down. His hands are strong in guiding you, making sure not to let you slip. You squeeze his arm tight when it gets slippery, but he never lets you fall.

“Did you just flex your arm?”

“Maybe,” his eyes flick over to yours and he looks forward quickly. “I coulda carried you, ya know.”

“Nathan-“

“Have a little faith, baby, I know you’ve checked me out when I lift,” he smirks. And yeah, he could carry you. But his arms would have fatigued from the length of the journey. You kiss his cheek; it means everything he cares enough to even think about that.

“You like when I check you out,” you bury your face in his shoulder.

“You know I do.” Smirk. “Gets me hot.”

“Ok focus up baby, don’t get hard out here when you can’t do anything about it,” you giggle.

“Hey, I’m trying to distract you,” he chuckles softly. “I can function with my cock a little hard, I’m not a teenager.”

“distract away then. If you think you can make it,” you tease him.

“I was looking forward to you letting me fuck you up against the tree at the top. Or at least let me finger fuck you. Shit, I’m addicted to your pussy.”

“That was what I wanted too, but then I slipped and well, here we are,” you groan softly. “Now I'm thinking about your fingers.”

“I’ll give you my fingers when we get home and get some ice on that ankle, how does that sound? If you’re feeling up for it,” he teases back.

Walking with him is nice, despite the pain in your ankle. He keeps the mood light and makes corny jokes and promises of pleasure when you get home.

“My ankle is hurt not the rest of me!” you snort. “I’m not looking forward to the ankle wrap. It’s really hurting.”

“I know, but it’ll help you heal baby. Will you let me at least carry you through the front door? Since we’re officially married now?”

“Nathan!” you laugh but you let him. He holds you for one second and then sets you down- just enough to cross over the front step.

“Alright, let’s get you taken care of yeah?”

You can’t help but cling to his jacket sleeve a little too tight. He turns when he feels your tug.

“I know, baby. It’s gonna be ok. You could put a little weight on it, so I don’t think it’s broken, it just needs to rest a little bit. I’ll get you some painkillers and then we’ll get that ankle wrapped.” He kisses your forehead, and he wraps his arms around you again to help you walk through the house.

“I'm sorry I'm being such a baby. Thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“It’s ok, cuz you’re my baby,” he chuckles softly. “I’m always gonna take care of you, baby. It’s part of the husband package.”

“I like the husband package,” you laugh, but the moment the words come out of your mouth you laugh for a different reason. “Don't say it, I know you're thinking it. Don't say it!”

“I know you like my package,” he pumps his eyebrows. “I’m sorry! You can’t just set me up like that and expect me not to say it!” he laughs out loud. You like when he laughs, he’s freer. More relaxed. You’d been worried you ruined the day by falling, but he doesn’t seem bothered at all.

“Ok,” you take a deep breath. You’re sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s carefully taken your shoes and socks off, and slowly peeled down your jeans. He was extra careful about your ankle. “I’m ready,” you tell him.

With warm water he cleans the dirt off and disinfects the scrape. You recoil but he’s stronger than you.

“I know kitten.” He kisses your knee and your shin before he starts wrapping your ankle. “Let me know if it��s too tight?”

You watch him as he wraps you up. His smooth fingertips brush your skin. It’s calming. He’s entirely focused on wrapping your ankle and you can’t help but smile at the way his brow creases in concentration.

Having him take care of you, and the image of him kneeling in front of your spread legs is getting you hot for him. The moment he’s done, you grab his hand.

“Nathan?” You put his hand between your legs, and he starts to rub you through your underwear. “I need you here.”

“Fuck, you went from concerned to horny so fast…”

“You’ve taken such good care of me and you mentioned fingerfucking- oh-“ you throw your head back on a sigh as his fingers press a little harder. He slides your panties down your legs and spread you open for him.

“I’ll definitely give you my fingers, baby. Still ok?” he looks up at you after he pulled your panties off your legs.

“I just can’t move my foot.”

“Try and sit still, let daddy work. Where do you need my mouth and fingers, baby? I wanna hear you say it.”

“I want your fingers in me.”

“Where kitten? In your mouth?” he slips two fingers in your mouth and you moan around him. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to your clit, and you gasp around his fingers. “Fuck, I love the way you taste.”

“Wait,” you moan and pull his hand away. “Put my leg over your shoulder, it’s hard not to move it.”

He kisses your thigh as he lifts your thigh over his shoulder. He’s gentle not to aggravate your hurt ankle. But this position is much more comfortable.

“Better?”

“Yes,” you giggle, “please keep going.”

“Eager?” he teases and slips his fingers now into your heat. His mouth closes around your clit and he sucks hard while his fingers curl in deep. “Feel better baby?”

Your moan is your answer, and he smiles.

“Fuck, you taste amazing.”

“How many times have you eaten me out and you still say that?”

“Because it’s true,” he moans licking your heat. He moves his fingers so he can get a better taste, and he puts his fingers back in your mouth. He chokes out a groan when you suck on his fingers, his dick aching with need from feeling you.

“Right there!” you gasp around his fingers, and he repeats the motion with his lips. His beard tickles your thighs, and he chuckles softly when you hit your high.

“Feel better kitten?” he asks when he pulls off you. He gently lowers your leg and kisses your knee again. He unzips his pants, and you watch him pump his cock with his wet fingers.

“You need me baby?” you sit up, but he presses his hand to your chest. He gently pushes you back down.

“Let me take care of you? Yeah?” he stands to lower his pants and he lines himself up with your entrance. He stays standing while you lay on your back. His hands grab your thighs, and he pushes in slowly. You both groan as he slides in all the way. His hand stays on your injured leg, so you won’t move it, but he lets you wrap your other leg around him. His free thumb presses onto your sensitive clit and he doesn’t stop touching you until you’re pulsing around him. He knows how to drag it out, and he has the endurance to do so, but right now he wants to come fast and hard. So that’s what he does.

He moans louder than you when hits his high.

“Nathan, you came so hard,” you giggle watching him. “You’re turned on by the wedding ring, aren’t you?”

“Fuck,” his cock jumps again inside you. Your laugh mixes with a moan.

“You are full of surprises,” you sit up and press a kiss to his shoulder.

“And you’re full of me,” he hums. He kisses the top of your head before he pulls out. “You want me to draw you a bath baby girl?”

“I’d love that,” you sigh.

“I’ve got something I need to work on, so I’ll let you bathe in peace yeah?”

“You better not- Nathan! You need an off day!”

“It’s not what you think woman!” he kisses your cheek. He adjusts himself in his pants and leaves to start you a bath. He helps you in the tub, and he disappears to work on his secret project.

You soak for a long while, it feels amazing and soothes your aches. He wanders back in a little while later just in time to help you out, so you won’t fall.

“I have a surprise for you,” he says grabbing a towel and wrapping it tight around you. He sets down a stack of clothes for you, which includes some fresh underwear, some sweatpants, and one of his shirts.

“What have you been up to?”

“Get dressed and you’ll see,” he smiles. He helps you step into your clothes and it pricks at your heart how gentle he is.

Once you’re ready, he guides you down the hall to one of the rooms in the house that’s not being used for anything currently. He covers your eyes with his hands and when he moves them, you see there’s a tent set up on the floor with sleeping bags. There’s a little lantern on the floor illuminating the space, and you see a package of marshmallows and chocolate for s’mores. It was your original plan before you slipped and fell.

“Nathan!” you gasp looking at all of it.

“I thought I’d bring the campsite to you,” he smiles and motions for you to come sit on one of the sleeping bags.

He walks over to a laptop he has set up and you start to scold him, but he pouts.

“Just one thing, let me do just one thing!” he laughs and punches in a quick code. The ceiling then lights up with stars and a soft hue of Aurora Borealis. “I wanted to do this on the deck, but it’s raining. Guess it ended up better we were here after all.”

“It’s perfect,” you smile.

“Now,” he sits down next to you. “How do you want your marshmallows?”

“How are you cooking them??”

He flicks out a lighter and holds it under a marshmallow he has ready on a wire coat hanger.

“Nathan-“

“How do you want your marshmallow?” he’s rotating the stick over the lighter.

“Like you.”

“Like me?”

“Golden brown and gooey on the inside.”

He closes his eyes and clicks off the lighter. He sighs and looks at you with a cocked brow for a solid 20 seconds.

“I fuckin’ hate how adorable that was even though that was a terrible joke babe. One Nathan marshmallow coming right up-“

“So, you don’t deny it.”

“Deny what?” he asks while he starts cooking the marshmallow.

“That you’re gooey on the inside.”

“I am perfectly golden brown,” he grins, “but yeah ok I’m gooey for you. Only you though.”

He makes your s’more and hands it to you while he starts on his own.

“I like mine burnt to a crisp,” he states, sticking his tongue in the corner of his mouth while he burns the marshmallow.

“Please don’t burn the house down,” you tell him while you bite into the sweet treat.

“There’s a sprinkler system, it’s fine.”

He makes his s’more and eats it happily. You watch him devour it and you can’t help but laugh at him.

“Good?” you giggle.

“I haven’t had one of these in forever,” he says shoving his hand in the bag to get another marshmallow out.

Before he starts to cook it, you lean up and kiss his cheek. He turns to look at you, his eyes soft.

“Thank you for taking care of me today. And for all this,” you cuddle into him.

“It’s what I’m supposed to do,” he says. “That reminds me-“ he reaches into his sweats pocket and pulls out a little ring. “Made this too,” he hands it to you.

“What’s it made of?” You ask holding it in your palm. It’s silver.

“A leftover piece from one of the AI. A reminder.” He holds his hand out to you, telling you to slide the ring on his finger. He kisses your lips; his kisses taste sweet. There’s chocolate in the corner of his mouth.

“I love you,” you tell him when you pull apart. “Even though you have marshmallow stuck on your beard.”

“I love you,” he replies, “even though you made a really lame joke,” he winks.

You curl back into him as he starts again on his next s’more. Besides from your twisted ankle, this night couldn’t be more perfect.

This time he just pops the marshmallow in his mouth. His mouth is full, but he still asks, “So round two in the tent?”

tagging: @pascal-isaac​​​, @wasicskosgirl​​​, @velvetmel0n​​​, @huliabitch​​​, @shadow-assassin-blix​​​, @writefightandflightclub​​​, @aellynera​​​, @softboywriting​​​, @veuliee2​​​, @spider-starry​​​, @mylifeliterally​​​, @millllenniawrites​​​, @ntlmundy​​​, @foxilayde, @writingletterstothefire​​​, @mandoplease​​​, @anetteaneta​​​, @feelmyroarrrr​​​, @artsymaddie​​​, @shakespeareanwannabe​​​, @poedameronsbeard​​​, @deanfanatic67​​​​, @magicsuperheroes​​​​, @phoenixhalliwell​​​​, @that-one-weird-one​​​​, @mariesackler, @yourbucky084​​​​, @woakiees​

[home-of-chaos]

You seem like a guy with headcanons (that and you said you like getting asks for them soooo) what are some headcanons for your version of the adults ingame wise?

Ingame adults? Hm lemme think.

I don’t have many headcanons about the first Principal except that he only cares for himself. (I have a strong bias against him. Jerome deserves a better dad, the poor boy ✊😔 ) Also im only gonna give a little bit of info for each. Feel free to ask for more headcanons for these guys by name!

Janitor:

Ah yes, one of my favorites from the adults. (Bro I was so stoked when I realized that we could actually team up with the Janitor!! Poor Bob tho.) So headcanons! He has natural silver hair (Like Agnes, Margret, Buggs, and Betty) Hes not actually that old (Monty only said that cause they got a bitter rivalry of sorts) He got a hell of a lot of scars. He had the most scars out of all the adults from fights in the past, to day to day things, and an angry redhead in a wheelchair. He ends up with a soft spot for Kidd viewing him as a son of some sort, he was also one of the first adults that learned of the time loops first do to Kidd venting his frustrations to janitor. He stops wanting to kill Bob the very next day (Wednesday) when Bob gave him cookies. (It’s really not that hard to win this guy’s friendship honestly) He finds Bob annoying sometimes though but he finds practically everyone annoying. He’s dating Betty (1st Lunchlady) and live together in a small cramped appartement. He and AppleGate are childhood friends, he takes deals very seriously. He also has the tendencies to reference things in the past a lot (he has a small fascination with history.) The main reasons he was so aggressive towards Bob is due to fear of loosing his job to him. Betty lost her job when the first school closed down so Money is now excruciatingly tight. Also he goes by Janitor cause he can’t remember his name

LunchLady (Betty):

She runs multiple jobs plus being the lunchlady at the kg 1 building. Her and Margret are actually friends. She has EXTREMELY horrible eye sight but can’t afford any glasses so she tends to be rather clumsy that’s also why you can see a shoe in her slop. She can’t see. Her and the Janitor are dating. She absolutely loves children and liked her job. She was horrified when she discovered the Principal’s body with Jerome and spent that night comforting him and his mother. She also lost her job when they merged schools since the Second Principal refused to hire her. Oh she’s also Nugget’s aunt.

AppleGate:

She has the second most amount of scars from being experimented on by the first Principal (that’s why she also took the pills. He doesn’t need her remember that or else she would have tried to stop him cause Billy was the ONLY student she actually cared for) Shes easily irritated but also very easy to distract or please. She hates Cindy the most with Buggs being a close second. She also has extreme anxiety and grey hair from stress. Her favorite student is Kidd. She also technically doesn’t need glasses except to read but just decides to wear them 24/7 anyways cause she’d loose them if she didn’t. She’s a hopeless romantic and will annoy the fuck out of the Janitor with all her relationship stories (she also tells this to Cindy (the only time you will see the two getting along.)

Bob:

He’s extremely friendly and is also the bus driver for the kg 2 place. He and Danner knew eachother since preschool. He is fascinated with history (much like Janitor) especially from the medieval times (hence the battle axe in the closet. He has no relationship experience hence why he had no clue what to do when he noticed he had a crush on AppleGate. He also tends to crush on people easily. He also has a crush on Danner and Agnes. He has experience with teaching and will occasionally help out the teachers with class. Penny views him as a dad along with a few of the other kids. He tends to say dad jokes a lot as well and he loves baking. He will sometimes bake cookies for the kids with Margret.

Danner:

Danner is the youngest adult (a month younger than Bob, 2nd P, and Margret, a year behind AppleGate and Janitor, and two years younger than Agnes and Betty) he also had the third most amount of scars, majority being from his mother or his experiments. His favorite student is likely Felix do to being practically the perfect student. He often uses Felix as a perfect reference when scolding other students for misbehavior. “Why can’t you be more like Felix? He’d never stoop this low.” He also has the tendency to mock people when they make a mistake and is rather stuck up, on that constant high horse of his. He and Janitor bicker all the time. He is definitely the nagging type and tends to lecture people a LOT! If you got a question, DONT ASK HIM. He will go on and on for HOURS. Even if the question was as simple as “what time is it?”

Agnes

She’s aware of the time loops, she’s been aware since she first saw Kidd. Also she’s actually incredibly smart but the green goop that Penny makes her drink messes with her brain a lot. The unnamed monster that Bob fights is her daughter. She went to the school cause she saw Penny take her daughter and ended up being drugged into insanity by the principal to the point she forgot her own identity and just kinda vibes in the dumpster with some kittens she found. Penny gives her the goop to keep her from remembering. The Janitor instantly befriends her the first time they met. She also scared the mess out of both Danner and Bob when they first met her. She’s very sociable despite not remembering proper manners or common sense.

I’m on the fence if I want the Second Principal to have a deep character or not. I’m even on the fence on including her in my main KG au. If I do she will go through an intense redemption arc. I suppose the choice is yalls if you guys want me to include her or not!

[nachtai-ish]

Boss pt 2 (Y’lan Noel x Reader)

Part 1 

Late nights were nothing new to you. You were well accustomed to seeing the office clear out and hearing the stark noise of silence punctuated with the sounds of vacuums and the gentle hum of electricity. You knew almost all of the janitors that came up after hours to clean up the office, and knew to give them ten minutes or so, so they could clean up your area without you being in the way.

What you were not used to was another person being in the office with you while you were working late hours. Y’lan Noel, or Y’lan as he kept reminding you, was also grinding gears after hours. You could see him pinning things to a board through the clear windows that gave you an open view of him. He was completely focus on his project, not even noticing you had been staring at him for a least five minutes.

No, you had not been staring. Just observing.

You had observed that when he seemed to get stumped on something, he placed his hands in his pockets and stared at it like he was doing now. You wondered what he was stumped on, you knew whatever it was he would figure out and come out of it amazingly.

           Despite your words with him days before, you knew he was a talented editor and writer. Christine had talked about him so much, that he was a star and that he was going places. At the time you hadn’t heard of him, but after researching him and reading a few of his pieces, you saw what she saw and yeah you were impressed. He hadn’t just been handed the job because he was a male, he earned it and deserved it. But of course, you couldn’t tell him that.

           You tilted your head a little as he bounced on and off his toes. Whatever had him stumped really was throwing him through a loop. You were just about to smirk and laugh when his head quickly turned and his eyes lit up when they met yours.

“Shit.” You mumbled, focusing again on your computer, typing up a storm as if you had never stopped to stare…observe him.

It was too late though; you heard the wind slightly woosh as he opened up his doors and could hear him make his way over to your area. You continued to type though, willing yourself to pretend that he wasn’t there.

“You’re dedicated.” He said.

You didn’t say anything, only kept typing. Wide leg pants are in-

“…I saw you looking at me. No need to front.” You could hear the smile in his voice.

“I was not staring at you.” You stopped typing, looking up at him. He had settled himself against the wall behind your desk set up, leaning across as if he was a neighbor talking over a fence.

He smirked, “I never said you were staring.”

You rolled your eyes, “I’m busy.”

“I see that. You know since you’re working, you could still be on the clock.”

You shook your head, “This isn’t work. This is a competition. So no, I can’t be on the clock.”

Y’lan shook his head, “It’s work. If you win, your magazine becomes the month’s issue so, it’s work. Doesn’t matter, I clocked you back in hours ago.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” You folded your arms.

“You don’t have to ask me. I’m your boss. It’s my job.” He smiled and turned around about to go back to his office.

“What’s your angle?” You stopped him in his tracks and he turned around again, walking back over to your area.

“I don’t have an angle.”

You rolled your eyes standing up from your desk. You stretched your neck first, then the rest of your body. When you opened your eyes from stretching, you noticed that Y’lan’s eyes were just coming back up from a long trip down your body. You fought the smirk coming to your lips.

“Of course you have an angle. Everyone does.” You sat back down, leaning back in your chair making a long line for Y’lan to admire with his eyes. “When I first got here, I was angling to become editor in chief in five years. So I sucked up. I’m not proud of it but it got me far. Nancy in graphic design has been flirting with every higher up at every office party, she wants a higher position. That’s her angle. You are being very nice, what do you want from us? What do you want from me?”

Y’lan’s hands were in his pockets again, but he wasn’t bouncing. He stood confident, staring at you like you were a new problem to solve. “I want what every magazine editor wants. A good staff that produces good results. I’ve been at publications where the work environment was hell and the editor was a disgusting human being. You know what that publication is doing now? …Nothing. It shut down two years ago. Bankrupt. Bad work environments leak out. I don’t want that for Black Style.”

You nodded, “That’s commendable. I’m not mad at that.”

He chuckled softly, shaking his head a little. “I’m glad I got your approval. …As for you Ms. YLN.”

You leaned forward eyes widening, “As for me what?”

“You asked me what I wanted from you all…and you specifically. I told you what I wanted for the company as a whole. Now I want to tell you want I want from you specifically.” His voice had lowered significantly and it made you draw into him, leaning closer than what was probably appropriate.

His eyes drifted down your face quickly and then back up to your eyes. You gulped a little. “And what is that Mr. Noel.”

He smirked, letting the silence linger for a moment, “I want your respect. Even if you win the competition, I want you to respect me as a peer in the field.”

You let out a small breath, for a moment you imagined that he might say that he wanted you, in the physical sense. You couldn’t deny the fact that Y’lan was quite handsome and had confidence about him that absolutely made you hor-

You could deny it. And you absolutely would.

“Ms. YLN.”

“Yes. Sorry.” You picked at a piece of imaginary lint on your shirt. “Respect is not given it’s earned.” You said, talking down to that imaginary lint that was still stuck to your shirt.

His hand reached out and gripped your chin gently, only pressing upward with the barest of force. You looked up at him all on your own, and found yourself looking at a man with no fear, and the most beautiful smile you had ever seen.

He was over stepping many of the boundaries HR laid out for you all, but honestly...you couldn’t care at this point. “I know.” He was speaking just so you could hear, barely over the sound of the vaccums and the powerful AC in the building. “And I fully expect to earn all of your respect.” He grinned at you and then moved his hand off your face, turning and walking away from you. “Oh, and those are really nice pants.” He shouted back, throwing up a hand in goodbye. “And that is wildly inappropriate!” You shouted back, awaken from your stupor.

He turned around, smirking, “It would be...if I was on the clock. Do you know how bad it looks for a Editor to give himself 4 hours of overtime, especially for something that’s not work related? What kind of Boss do you think I am?” He chuckled, going back into his office and closing the glass door behind him. You grumbled and went back to typing, nails clicking the keyboard harder than before.

“Bastard.”

___________________________________________________________

This looks a little different huh? ...Yeah...I don’t feel like doing all that title stuff. Yall know what this is lol! This has been sitting in my drafts for a month or two? lol.

@chaneajoyyy @wawakanda-btch  @blackmissfrizzle @quietpoeticheart @bigsisbria  @toni-toni-toni-toni  @blvkqueen1​  @palmstreesallday​  @hey-taylor-hey​  @myakai13​  @shinywrites​

[rocketcowboyblu]

Hi! Hello it’s me again (PArdon me lmao)

Since I posted about the Lion king idea of presenting finn, Thought why not give an idea of the entire movie if yall wanna idk write it? Cause I cant write at all. Ignore the spelling and grammar errors Im trying my best. ANYWAY uh have fun reading this mess of an R.D? (Rough Draft)

Alright, its like 10 years or so after the prime invasion. The BFF Squad finished restoring magic to the universe and found out where Adora and Catra hail from, (Magicat hidden kingdom on ethiera, and adora on eternia etc.)   Catra finds out shes magically pregnant and tells adora, adora is like “Holy shit were gonna be moms” SO like the dummy she is goes to glimmer and asks her permission to present her when the kit’s born. (cause its presumably from magicat culture idk u decide) Glimmer agrees and puts it on her to do lists cause yknow queen shit. 

Months later, Finns Born. Swift wind like the annoying loyal steed he is, goes to inform the other princesses of the presentation. (Insert the Circle of life Music) 

The princesses show up along with a bunch of other people cause It’s She-ra’s Heir/Kid. Anyway magicat queen comes and takes Finn and goes to present them (the balcony idk what part of brightmoon looks safe!?) presume the thrusting of them over a balcony. 

Scorpia and Bow are holding each other crying over how cute finn is, Catra and adora are looking at finn feeling so proud and shit, Glimmer is just holding her head staring at these idiots wondering why she even let them live there.

ALRIGHT HERE COMES THE INSANITY.

Behind the scenes, Catra had been helping glimmer with advising and taking over the actual royal advisors job. The R.A aint happy that her job is being taken by a war criminal and fraternizing with Etheria’s Hero. SO With some rogue clones they build a plan to get rid of finn and catra.

FLASH FORWARD 7 TO 9 YEARS LATER. 

Finn’s growing up and needs to learn the difference between play and work, the advisor tells finn that and suggests  adora help them out. so Adora takes Finn out to the whispering woods to teach them about self defense and magic bonding with the planet. 

DT strolls up cause their now Brightmoons babysitter (Much to their Utter Delight) and tells adora that theres some trouble in the LightZone (Frightzone) about clones. Finn wants to come but adora says no cause its dangerous, So DT offers to take finn cause they were gonna round up the Runestone kiddos for a playdate. 

DT and Finn pick up the kids and they get into trouble. Finn has a whole inner monologue about cant wait to be a Hero or something to make adora let them come with em. Cue the Ditching of DT and the Runestone Kids find themselves lost in the whispering woods.

Rogue Clones find them and give chase with laser blasters. Catra finds DT tied up and explains the kids tricked DT and they hear laser fire. So they go and save the kids. 

NOW catra’s a lil pissed and impressed cause Finn manged to trick DT but also left their sights. Catra gives a speech about how much trouble finns in but also quite impressed with their work and tells them that, they’ll show them how to really trick somebody (aka pranks) 

Later that night the advisor and the rogue clones finally finish the plan to get rid of catra and finn. 

A WEEK LATER. Spoiler alert its finn Bday (Oh god here comes the angst)

The R.A suggests a Royal family picnic. Glimmer, Micah, Bow, Glimbow kid, catra, adora, and finn go to the whispering woods cause theres a nice clearing the advisor has “Suggested.”

a mile or so away rogue clones had been herding up the wild beasts of the woods. (Yknow those hog creatures) 

Catra and adora actually have a gift for finn but want it to be a suprise so they ask the advisor what to do, Advisor tells them that theyll take finn to a spot near the picnic and they can give them the gift there.

Advisor puts finn in a spot and then signals the clones.

The ground shakes, the trees start moving, BAM OUT comes running thousands of magic hogs. RUN

Finns on all fours running for their life, their panting and see a spot which they presume will keep them safe. It’s not safe at all. 

Finn bolts into a canyon, and sees a high top rock that SURE LOOKS STABLE. They climb up it.

Back at the picnic advisor runs back to the crew, and tells them what happened, Catra goes haywire and starts bolting towards the canyon, Adora tells bow and glimmer to get help and grab the advisor and head towards finn.

Catra reaches the canyon first, she spots finn on the rock, Jumping down she goes running along in the herd til grabbing finn, Adora and the advisor are watching from the top, Catra is carrying finn and puts them on a platform of the canyon. Catra gets impaled by a running hogs horn, She goes down into the herd.

“CATRAAA!” Adora cries and jumps down into the herd as She-ra to save catra. Finn looks on in horror trying to spot adora and catra. Boom out jumps adora  going up the slide, struggling to carry catras limp body.

Finn goes to climb their way out of the canyon.

Adora is holding catra tightly and is still climbing til she sees the Advisor looking down on them. “Here! Grab onto catra!” The advisor smiles sinisterly. “I’m Afraid I can’t do that adora..” Adora looks at them in confusion. “Goodbye my oldest enemy” The advisors eyes flash green. Adora’s eyes go wide. BAM a burst of magic hits adora causing her to fall with catra.

Finn screams in the distant.

The herd leaves. Its quiet. dust is still kicked up.

Finn looks at their parents bodies on the ground. Limp.

“M-mom’s?” They called out. Knees buckling they go to catra shaking her “Please you gotta get up...”

“What have you done...” The advisor voice tells them.

Finn looks them at in fear “I didn-” “Insolent child! Look at what have you done! You’ve robbed etheria of their greatest heros!” Finns ears fold back, tears flooding their face.

“Get out of here. If you ever show your face here again I’ll have the palace guards kill you” a bright ball of magic formed in the advisors hand.

Finn bolts. the advisor chuckles darkly, for it was only the beginning of a new era.  

Bow and glimmer teleport to area. they spot their friends.

Glimmer shakes catra “Horde scum DONT YOU DARE-” Catra bolts up gasping and then groans in pain “well.. there goes one of my 9 lives.”  catra looks around and sees adora. And now shes screaming at glimmer to heal her. 

The advisor looks ready to run. Glimmer heals adora and adora stirs going “W-what happened?” catra fills her in (catra doesnt know about the advisor she was unconsious.) And they cant find finn. so now its depresso expresso time cause adora cant remeber what happened and where finn is. 

LOL  IHATE WRITING THIS ALREADY. 

Alrighty alrighty. So finn gets lost in the crimson and find Lonnie and the horde kids. (they dont know its catra or adoras kid cause they burnt that bridge) they adopt em for protection and help with digging in the crimson waste mines for gems and whatever else. And finn dyes their hair blond and shaves it to hide their idenity in fear of the advisor.

8 or so years past. Finns like 17 and the horde kids r old LOL

Scorfumas kid stumbles upon finn and they go into conversation about what the hell happened. Finn tells em about how they killed their parents and how they werent allowed near brightmoon cause the advisor would kill them. Scorfumas kid then has to explain that the advisor was now running brightmoon into the ground using their grief to an advantage. Btw kyles singing can u feel the love cause he do be misintruptioning shit. fuckin kyle XD (Lonnie is gonna kill this fool)

LATER FINN LOOKS AT THE WOODS AND OUT COMES YA GURL RAZZLE DAZZLE! Madam razz goes into her time loops and yknow the deal, she goes “Catra is that you dearie?” Finns like “YOU KNOW MY MOM?!” anyway razz leads them to the abandoned fort of grayskull yack yack yeack. Razz tells them that evil comes from power, not from heart, remember who you are type of shit.

Finn finally decides to go home.

Back at brightmoon everythings horrible. its the works yknow? DT got stuck in the “Prison” cause of how they were sus of the advisor.

Just gonna shorten it cause this is so LONG. Finn shows up, catradora are in shock. advisor turns out is the leftover of PRIME so then finn and him fight. Finn wins and here comes one of the newest heros to etheria. GG end of AU LOL

Sorry I dont know what I just wrote. but yeah theres the gist of the idea if yall wanna steal and try to write this shitpost? idk lol thanks for coming to this ted talk

[derivaderci]

wip wednesday!

i cant believe i have smth to post two weeks in a row! i havent written more than like half a drabble at a time since middle school, dragon age rly is wild. thank you @hawkeish for tagging me again, i tag @bunjolras @ringofdoubt & @elvhenwolf ! no pressure if you dont want to, & if i didnt tag you feel free to say i did anyway and tag me in it, id love to read everyones work!

posting an extra long one today because next wednesday is my birthday(!) and i dont wanna leave yall hanging if i dont make it online 😅

so uh, take some post-blackwalls personal quest inquisitor stress, because im playing mostly blind and having blackwall (unintentionally) come so thoroughly for taralens life threw me for a loop and i had to write smth for it

I killed innocent people. One moment of courage will not make up for that.

Up in his grand Skyloft bedroom, the Inquisitor paces. Every moment since he walked out of that Val Royeaux prison, his thoughts have been circling madly, fixated on the tiniest turns of phrase. It had to be a jab at him, couldn’t be a coincidence, Bl- Rainier had to have figured him out and, on death row, decided to let him know just what he thought about this whole ruse.

When it came to light, I ran. Pretending to be a better man.

He’s not a better man. Blackwall is a better man. Rainier is.. a man who is better than he was. But Taralen? What makes a better man when the one who committed the crime wasn’t one? He wonders, not for the first time, if everything about him is fake. Maybe this was all conjured up in that Dalish camp, his mind trying desperately to distance itself from what its body had done. Something heavy twists in his gut and his steps falter. Is the feeling genuine distress from the thought or is it just an admittance of guilt? How can he know? He starts walking again.

One mistake, and everything I worked for fell apart. I betrayed the Empire and assassinated a general. All for gold.

All for gold. One mistake. Is it all for gold when you need the gold to survive? Rainier had respect, a station of his own, power and command and purpose. He didn’t need like Taralen had. What did Taralen have without that job? Wrinkled fingers and sewing needles? Saving for a year just to have one sovereign? He’d be married off by now, still working even with a bairn on each hip. 

His stomach twists again, something cold and hard and aching settling there, and he has to open up those grand doors for the breeze so he doesn’t heave right there on the perfect stone floor. He’d’ve made a terrible mother. (a redheaded mother guarantees a brat.) There would’ve been nobody to interrupt Corypheus but him. Both feel equally important to have avoided. Selfish. Selfish.

They believe it because that’s what you tell them.

There was no other choice to be made. A Nevarran woman in his face, threatening him and shouting about something he’d done, someone he’d killed, and he panicked. Only mostly a lie. It had almost been true, once. Something safe he knew how to play along with for the most part. But then it grew and they grew and so did the questions.

(A Dalish girl, kneeling beside him at the river, trying to help him decide as they washed. Belavahn, she suggests teasingly, one with many questions. He’d flicked water at her face and she’d laughed. What does Itha mean? he asked after. One who sees. It’s not for you, though. It’s mine. A tongue stuck out at him. His turn to laugh.)

When they ask his surname, he does not know how to say he never had one, so he says Belavahn instead. A good name for an Inquisitor. Too good. Nobody has said anything yet but someday, somebody will notice and point fingers and it’ll all crumble down.

(I apologize, Inquisitor, but we were unable to contact or even locate a Clan Belavahn. Fear crawling up his throat. Caught. Have to fix it. Belavahn is.. my family name. My clan was Lavellan. Writing a desperate letter that night, begging please, Itha, ask the Keeper to play along. I will grant Clan Lavellan any aid they need, just do me this one final favor and say I’m one of you. The response a month later, simple. Lethallin, you always were.)

And so he’s laughed off questions about his childhood, lied about his age, been brutally honest about how little he was able to bring to the clan, that’s why I hadn’t earned my vallaslin yet, I would’ve gotten it after the Conclave if I’d brought home good information about what was to become of the Dalish mages, and dug himself deeper and deeper into his hole. He fears it may become his tomb. Not burned, because the Dalish don’t do that, but thrown deep underground and covered up forever. Nevarrans don’t burn their dead either, he thinks, then tries to stop thinking because he really would prefer if he could stop feeling ill soon.

[plaidshirtjimkirk]

i wish i had an awesome list of things i wrote in 2019, but there’s none to speak of. i probably hit 30k max or so. but i wanna talk about writing anyway. this is longgggg, sorry.

i have been and ever shall be a ridiculously passionate person. when i love something, i really really *really* love it. it takes over everything. it’s all i think about. i’ve always been this way. i had all of one friend when i was a child and i met her in preschool. we met up recently and she started naming all these series and characters i was obsessed with since i was 4. LOL the thing is, like... no one else liked these things, so she had to deal with me infodumping and reading my crappy fanfiction to her from elementary to middle school. (the fact that she still talks to me amazes me.)

my relationship with writing is complicated and im finally understanding why.

i started out with self insert stories when i was super young because there weren’t any other kids around besides my one awesome friend. i never felt lonely though because i had my stories.

i loved fictional characters. i self shipped. this led me to roleplaying. i found someone who was writing as a character i adored. we wrote together and then started dating. that was my first SO. not knowing any better, i remained in an abusive relationship for 7 years. my stories were my comfort and i can honestly say that writing saved my life. there’s a good ending to this situation. one day, i experienced a breath of fresh air and finally took the trash out.

i dabbled in drawing comics for a bit as i worked hard at my job. i met someone worth my love and effort. we loved each other so much that we maintained a relationship while living on opposite ends of the planet. as you can imagine, that was pretty lonely. writing helped me through it. i met some amazing people to write with during this time, including my bff @suitablyaggrieved.

the fandom we were in then was filled with toxic people however. my having an oc didn’t help things so i had to deal with harassment, even when i was minding my own damn business. got tired of that, took down my writing, and barely wrote a thing for about 3 years.

when i fell hard into trek, i decided i wanted to give fandom one more shot. i wanted to be in a community that loved the same things i did and figured it was worth the effort of trying. tbh i feel very lucky that my return to fandom was trek because yall are seriously some of the nicest people ever.

when i started this blog, i was just some rude dipshit who didn’t really think about the weight of my words. i said mean things but i didn’t care. it was whatever because it was my blog and i had 30 followers. the follower count grew though at some point, i thought about why i tested the waters of coming back to fandom and how grateful i was to splash land back in one like trek. i realized i wasn’t being the kind of person i wanted to be. i’m still a dipshit, just less rude now.

but the thing is that trek got me into writing again. and when i started, i felt like there were no limits. i wrote and wrote and wrote. i was telling stories about some things i’d been through and using characters as proxies. it was an interesting experience. i never wanted to stop...made me feel like i was doing something constructive when drama was going on in my work life.

everything was ok though because i had my words.............and then chronic illness caught up with me.

writing made me happy because i saw myself putting out lots of stories. but when it came to the point where i couldn’t write as much as i used to because i was in too much pain to even get out of bed, it started making me feel really depressed.

the truth is that i don’t have confidence in my work. i never did. i probably never will. it sucks when you spend all this time working on something, just to end up hating it. and with being the passionate person i am, the lower word count had me feeling like a complete failure. all or nothing. consistency or nothing. i know this is unhealthy. i also would never think anyone else was a failure for not writing as much. it was just...i had all these personal goals i wasn’t meeting.

at some point, i started feeling as though i couldn’t write ks anymore. there were a couple reasons for that but the main one was losing consistency. i didn’t feel like my work was ever anything special, but at least i was feeling productive. when that went out the window, i kinda looked back at all these words i put out and didn’t feel good about them.

i started writing for small pairings where the fandom was literally all of 2 people. i thought that maybe i could just post stories for a tiny audience, or even just for my own sake, and maybe being so worried about quality wouldn’t be such a big deal. i was kidding myself though. ofc it was. and it just made me feel worse about my writing. i didn’t know how to make it fun. instead of being pumped to start something new, all i could think about was how i’d suffer to put whatever story i was thinking of together and just end up hating. it felt like so much wasted effort.

i met some awesome new friends who encouraged me to make an oc again. it took such a long time but i did and i spent a few months privately posting fics about all of our ocs interacting. writing was slowly becoming fun again.

and that brings me to where i am today. i realize it’s been a crutch for me throughout life. i could throw myself into it, throw myself into stories that others wrote. with less energy to go around because of being in pain frequently, the amount i could do reduced drastically. i’m still trying to figure out how to cope with that, and how to not put so much pressure on myself to where i get stuck in an endless loop of self hating.

still, writing saved me. even though things got really complicated, im glad i had the experience of doing it and even though it sometimes stresses me the hell out, i want to keep at it...figure out how the same thing that helped me so many times before can do so again.

i’m not sure i can ever figure the confidence/self love thing out, but i think i can try to make words my friends again. people outside of fandom don’t get it and i guess i can’t blame them if they don’t have the experience. they think ff is some frivolous activity that has no merit, no quality, no bearing on anything. but it does on franchise, community, and individual levels.

anyway, sending good vibes to every content creator out there. let’s hang in there through the great times and bad. <3

[swellwriting]

tagged by @kabeswaters​ and @fortisfiliae​ love u both sm <3 <3

1. on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? it fluctuates but right now -1 

2. describe yourself in a hashtag? #anxious

3. if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? JAKE MOTHERFUCKING GYLLENHAAL 

4. if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? i dont know what that is hah

5. what’s one thing people don’t know about you? i guess some people don’t know i’m type one diabetic??

6. what’s your wake up ritual? uh phone, animal crossing, fruit loops, weed

7. what’s your go to bed ritual? I watch asmr videos cuz im usually high as fuck and they knock me out lol, or i watch tiktok or pillow talk with my bf nick.

8. what’s your favorite time of day? like 9 pm?

9. your go to for having a good laugh? my boyfriend always makes me laugh no matter how angry or upset i am so i’d talk to him uwu

10. dream country to visit? FRANCe specifically Paris oui oui with my french candian bullshit

11. what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? when they announced 5sos was touring with one direction and i had tickets, never screamed so loud in my LIFE

12. heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers duh

13. vintage or new? vintage babey

14. who do you want to write your obituary? ME from the great beyond, the only other person who knows me well enouhg is nick and i love him but he is very stupid.

15. style icon? uh harry styles, devon lee carlson, halsey, bella hadid, tyler the creator some normal people whos style i LOVE  from insta are rebeccaramsdale , kehllie , kikalateefff , yourgirlneens , lilxmg !

16. what are three things you cannot live without? phone, insulin, art, music

17. what’s one ingredient you put in everything? probs vanilla or hotsauce, the only two flavours.

18. what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my dead brother DJ, kurt cobain andddd ryan dunn from jackass what a weird mix.

19. what’s your biggest fear in life? loosing my senses, loosing control, the fear that i am not actually real and ... oh spiders.

20. window or aisle seat? window 

21. what’s your current tv obsession? think its gonna be adventure time again

22. favorite app? instagram or discord so i can talk to my friends uwu

23. secret talent? i can speak french and giberish

24. most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? camping i guess?

25. how would you define yourself in three words? anxious, empathetic, creative

26. favorite piece of clothing you own? my vintage star wars shirt

27. a must have clothing item that everyone should have? blank tees, good quality blank tees!!! white black grey mhmhmh

28. a superpower you would want? i’d wanna be spidergirl

29. what’s inspiring you in life right now? nothing at all :(

30. best piece of advice you’ve received? my grade six teacher telling me that i was very empathetic as i was sitting at the back of the class crying because of the movie we were watching, she told me not everyone is empathetic like i am but its okay to be soft. but not to expect that from everyone else.

31. best advice you’d give your teenage self? teenage me was a mess but not messy enough that i’d change anything. i’d just say, things get better but im currently back in the state teenage me was in so...i’d be lying. maybe that wanting to kill yourself does not count as a personality trait - and start reading comics earlier cuz u really like them.

32. a book everyone should read? i read wack books, everyone on tumblr should read fangirl tho

33. what would you like to be remembered for? something i created

34. how do you define beauty? self expression and individuality 

35. what do you love most about your body? wait people love their bodies? not everyone was severly damaged by online diet culture and thigh gap era tumblr? weird ok

36. best way to take a rest/decompress? weed or bath or a movie

37. favorite place to view art? there is an art gallery in saskatchewan that i love, i was suposed to go there this summer before corona took over :(((

38. if your life was a song, what would the title be? either something short like “mellow” or fob style like “im so anxiuos all the time and nothing ever feels real and i dont know what im doing but somehow im doing pretty good while feeling prety bad and laughing through my tears lol.” or i’d steal “teen idle” by marina and the diamonds.

39. if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar or piano because im lame at both.

40. if you had a tattoo, where would it be? i want two moths above my knees rn

41 dolphins or koalas? neither

42. what’s an animal that represents you? im more of a pokemon, i think id be jigglypuff

43. best gift you’ve ever received? whenever nick buys me clothes from stussy or maybe infinity on high on vinyl.

44. best gift you’ve given? i bought nick the entire sin city comic series in one giant book.

45. what’s your favorite board game? monopoly

46. what’s your favorite color? yellow

47. least favorite color? that weird pinky purple

48. diamond or pearls? pearls

49. drugstore makeup or designer? colour pop and fenty

50. pilates or yoga? yoga

51. coffee or tea? tea

52. what’s the weirdest word in the english language? pumpernickle is my fav one.

53. dark chocolate or milk chocolate? MILK

54. stairs or elevators? stairs

55. summer or winter? summer, canadian winters are brutal.

56. you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? ur asking someone who has very specific comfort foods so i already do this - cheese bagel toasted with cream cheese and then toasted again to melt cheddar cheese on top. with a diet coke thats very important.

57. a dessert you don’t like? cheesecake 

58. a skill you’re working on mastering? im crazy so this is a lot but - writing , drawing and painting, polymer clay, sewing, resin art and pottery.

59. best thing to happen to you today? nothing

60. worst thing to happen to you today? the line at starbucks was too long and i had to get wendys instead, and a few other things i won’t mention.

61. best compliment you’ve ever received? whenever my mom says i remind her of my brother dj, when people say anything nice about my art or writing style. when people ask about my clothes. when my friend jess called me a “known softie” uwu

62. favorite smell? lavender

63. hugs or kisses? hugs

64. if you made a documentary, what would it be about? i’d talk about star wars for hours on end 

65. last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? of mice and men made me ball my fucking eyes out

66. lipstick or lipgloss? chapstickk

67. sweet or savory? sweet

68. girl crush? Zendaya

69. how do you know you’re in love? idk ive just always been in love with nick (since i was 15) before i even really knew what love was, i guess if the other person feels like home, you know ur doing something right.

70. a song you can listen to on repeat? nine in the afternoon by p!atd or a match into water by peirce the veil, over my head by fleetwood mac

71. if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? harry styles that mysterious fucker

72. what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? currently not looking forward to anything becase my life is super uncertain right now ha.. maybe the release of the chaos walking movie whenever that decides to happen.

tagging: i assume yall have been tagged in this already but just incase @beskarjedi @woakiees @bluemadcnna @carolinesbookworld  @theseuscmander and anyone else who wants to do this consider urself tagged.

[asianpower5]

Ok so its been 24 hours since I saw the movie and I wanted to write down my thoughts, most of it is for me so I can go back and read how I felt about it years from now, its going to be very long and wordy but im just writing as the thoughts come and now worrying about grammar or anything, that includes timeline, so my thoughts may come to me out of order . I’m going to put it all under read more so i dont spoil it for any of you lovely people

So I got to the theater like 40 minutes early because I just couldnt contain myself and I wanted to get my perfect seat. Wore my new HTTYD shirt and brought my toothless plushie from build a bear (another little girl had the same idea she was so cute)

but now onto the movie

they threw me for a loop I was totally expecting a “this is berk’” speech as the very opening, not the raid, but honestly this movie is about change so I liked the change. But I still got my fix, because as they flew back to Berk my only thought was “this is berk”, AND THEN HE SAID THE THING YES.

Loved the scene in the great forge, it just really showed how big Berk is and how many vikings there are, and seeing them all happy and enjoying a meal together just warmed my heart, plus Gobber teasing Astrid and Hiccup about marriage and Valka beating Spitelout at arm wrestling haha.

Tuffnut was comedic gold, talking about his “beard” and giving hiccup bro pep talks. And when he said the earth was round? and the stars? I almost died laughing. 

Grimmel  being a complete jerk and drugging those poor dragons with their own venom.

Fetch with Hiccup’s leg?? and him dropping it in Astrid’s lap and then being over protective of the leg when Stormfly came near it? Then Hiccup tickling Astrid, what did we do to deserve such a cute Hiccstrid scene?

Toothless meeting the light fury was even better than I thought, he was such a dork and had no idea what to do, then looking to Hiccup for advice about how to flirt oh gosh silly boy.

Im calling Hiccup out on his saying Astrid isnt a romantic, I mean Hiccup is totally the hopeless romantic, but Astrid in my mind is totally a secret romantic, at least when it comes to her own relationship.

Also Toothless practicing his mating dancing by watching his shadow and studying the naddars as they danced was so adorable.

Ok ngl I actually thought Grimmel had shot Toothless in the house, and I was so happy to see that is was part of their plan and that he had back up (sorry Fishlegs I love you and you took one for the team so good on you!). Why I was surprised by this idk, I know these characters enough to know that they would pull something like that. BUT HICCUP TELLING GRIMMEL OFF AND CALLING HE OUT FOR SITTING IN STOICKS CHAIR, YES BOY. That just made the feeling of Berk being attacked and flames burning everywhere hurt so much more.

The meeting with all of Berk? Just wow, I mean first off I love that Hiccup had his whole gang up there with him, just goes to show that he really trusts them and values them as being part of the team. Astrid sticking up for my boy and Tuff just going “IM WITH HIM WHO ELSE” A plus team work, I loved the support. Not to mention the fact that Hiccup was able to convince them all to pack up what little they could carry and leave. I mean we know from the first movie that vikings are stubborn, but they are also capable of change. The fact that they left their home of 7 generations and probably left some import things they couldnt carry with them was such an amazing gesture. And Berk really is where ever the vikings are, it is not just a single island. It really hurt to see them leave the island, the place where it all started, but the fact that they all stuck together really shows how strong of a bond they have as a people. 

Light fury knocking Hiccup off Toothless, such a sassy girl I love her. I mean come on Toothless was obviously gunna save him. Also the sheeps wanting to be dragons is something I never new I needed, especially after seeing how afraid of dragons they used to be (I mean the dragons did hunt them, but im all here for them cosplaying as their favorite dragons) 

I JUST REMEMBERED I NEVER TALKED ABOUT FLASHBACKS SO LETS DO THAT NOW. First of little toddler Hiccup??? THE FRICKIN CUTEST THING EVER OK. I know there was a line in the trailer that wasnt in the movie the one where Stoick says something like “I believe its your destiny to find the hidden world so dragons and vikings no longer need to fight” but I wasnt sad that they didnt keep this line. I think it makes more sense to have what they did, Stoick talking about finding the hidden world so they could protect Berk from it. I mean this took place when they were still fighting dragons, so yea the line about destiny could mean he thinks Hiccup would destroy the hidden world, but the tone of the scene was so calm and relaxing that to me it gave off the vibe that Stock was implying that Hiccup would unite their worlds, which doenst make sense since again they were still at war with the dragons at this point. So I liked what they had in the movie, I think what they kept fit the tone and it still showed how Berk was at war with the dragons.

NEXT FLASHBACK. Little Hiccup just sneaking down the stairs and then his little face like “oh shit” when he saw his dad was up and trying to sneak back up. The way he said he wanted water, I JUST IT WAS SO CUTE, whoever voiced tiny hiccup good job because omg it was so cute. How happy he was to go over to his dad and sit on his lap.  When he asked Stoick if he would get them a new mom, my heart just broke I mean Hiccup was so young that he didn’t fully grasp the situation, and I mean before Hiccup got caught sneaking downstairs we saw Stoick crying. That was so important to me I mean Stoick the Vast, he is massive, and remember the first movie the fact about him ripping a dragons head off as a baby? Yea this character who basically screams masculinity has yet another vulnerable scene, showing yet again that crying is ok (I mean back in the first movie when he told Hiccup he wasnt his son, and when he met Valka again?? yes please keeping showing people that being masculine doenst mean you cant cry!). Stoick teaching Hiccup about love, yes dad points for you, I adore the scenes like these, that show how much Stock loves his family, he would be so proud of Hiccup and who he has become. OH YEA SIDE NOTE HOW I FORGET HICCUPS STUFFED DRAGON? THROWBACK TO THE TV SERIES THANK YOU.

New Berk, cuz thats the best I got to call it right now, love how everyone basically immediately goes to claiming their areas ahha.

Ok Snotlout my boy did you really just say “who died and made yout Chief” because too soon, I still love you

Low key thought they were gunna make Snotlout and Eret a thing, despite the weird flirting Snotlout had with Valka. I mean he was trying to be taller than Eret, and Eret was like hah no, yall id ship it ngl eret and snotlout 

Toothless meeting up with the light fury again, but this time trusting his instincts is another reminder that toothless is in fact an animal, a very intelligent animal, but an animal who has instincts and a desire to be with his own kind, I mean can you blame him? Its been at least 6 years since hes seen another dragon that was like him, maybe even longer depending on how long he was alone before he met hiccup. 

The throw back to the forbidden friendship scene? With toothless drawing in the sand, and oh God I never thought I would get so emotional about sand but dang that sand animation just was so realistic that I wanted to touch it. Hiccup being like “wow now you can draw”, Toothless growling at the light fury like he did to Hiccup back in the first for stepping on his art, come on guys Toothless worked hard on his art! The light fury flying away but toothless not being able to follow her, another throwback to when he couldnt fly with the dragons during the snoggletog special.

Hiccup making toothless a tail to fly alone, and Im glad they added the part when Astrid said they tried it before, again throwback to snoggletog, and that he didnt want the tail, and Hiccup clarifying that it was because he had no need to fly alone before. Now my only worry here is that the casual fan will just think that the exchange is a copout, I mean unless you remember the special you wouldnt know that they tired making him a tail fin and he didnt want it, so to the casual fan it might seem like they only added the comment to answer the question “If hiccup could make a tail fin why did he never do it before?”. Seeing the special where toothless destroys the tail really adds a layer of depth to the scene, because those of us who saw it remember that it was a statement that even though Hiccup had the ability to create a tail so toothless could fly alone, toothless wanted to fly with his best friend and didnt care for the tail. 

now the actual scene with toothless flying alone finding the light fury, first off it was so cute how he showed her his new tail! He was so proud of it, and no doubt proud of his best friend for making it. The scene itself though reminded me so much of the romantic flight, the way they flew together above the clouds and how it gave a sense of flight because we couldnt see the ground, ugg it was so beautiful. I was honestly blown away by the animation, the clouds and the color, they were all so beautiful. Toothless and the light fury flying together and really bonding, similar to Astrid and Hiccup on their first flight together, ugg all the throwbacks to the first movie really killed me. Also Toothless trying to copy the light fury and how she goes invisible was so cute, he was like “ah yes I got this, wait no shit again, no shit again again!” then he basically summons thors power of lighting and finds his new power, so proud of my baby. 

Now I fully believe that Toothless was going to go back to Hiccup after he spent time with the light fury in the hidden world, no way my boy would leave my other boy without a goodbye. But the other started to freak Hiccup out, I mean Hiccup knew his best friend would come back, but the others made him doubt it and seeing him freak out was heart breaking.

Astrid being like boy hop on we gonna get yo dragon, yes girl. Honestly them going into the hidden world on Stormfly? I mean need i say anything about the animation in this scene? The visuals were just breath taking, I cannot put it into words. Tootheless being the alpha is always a win, also Astrid calling him a king and Hiccup realizing that this beautiful place of dragons, is not place for humans, because Valka said it best, greedy humans ruin everything.

Hiccup and Astrid getting caught by a dragon and then going on a fun slide ride, and of course toothless comes through as the alpha to protect his humans, ALSO STORMFLY DONT THINK I FORGOT ABOUT HER, CUZ YES. I mean just like toothless Stormyfly will protect her human best friend, and I love her. 

How did I forget the next raid scene? I mean dang again the visuals and the lighting were just so spot on. Them all getting trapped? Valka being a badass and working with Cloudjumper to save them? Hiccup jumping and just escaping the clutches of Grimmels dragon? RUFFNUT

Ruffnut my girl dont think I forgot about you, I just I dont even know what to do with you. She was amazing, I mean shes just does not care, not scared that shes a prisoner, she fricking just talks about how ‘hot’ she is and just other random stuff about her life, like girl give me that confidence. But when she talked about the island i was like girl no dont do that, but her flying back and saying she doenst look back in response to being asked about being followed was pretty darn funny.

Bro the scene of the light fury and toothless getting captured? Toothless protecting her and telling the other dragons to stand down, at least until they can escape. Just heart breaking, help is so close, but I guess thats the downside of being the alpha, having that power can be used against you.

Astrid my girl, pep talking my boy Hiccup JUST LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE. And yes parallels again, just like in the first one Astrid said things to hiccup, she was very honest with him pointing out the things that had done wrong, the first pointing out how messy the situation got because of the lies, and in this movie pointing out how he constantly doubts himself, and in both Hiccup has a sassy comment regarding her pep talks, but Astrid always follows up with the good, like how he was the first viking to ride a dragon or how he was always brave, even without toothless, showing how she would always be by his side to support him and help him, especially when hes about to do something stupid. I just ugg they are couple goals, they dont even need to say I love you because they SHOW IT in their actions, in their support for eachother, their cute banters, and I am here for it. ALSO I MEAN HE KISSED HER HAIR EARLY AND THEN HER FOREHEAD THOSE ARE SO CUTE TO ME AND JUST SO NATURAL FOR THEM AHHH. Also “so what are you gunna do about it” “probably something stupid” YES YES YES I AM HERE FOR THAT SHIT

Everyone jumping off the island so they can ‘fly’ on their own, just first off so visually amazing, and second off so symbolic to me of each of them spreading their own wings and growing up into amazing people. 

Fishlegs and his baby dragon, I mean come on lets be real that shit is adorable, and baby dragon had his big dragon (does that dragon have a class name? because I dont remember it) friend and Fishlegs be like dont mess with baby dragon. 

Yooo I knew it, from the trailer I was like “Tuffnut is probs pissed that this dude cut off his hair beard” and boom it happned, but rip hair beard (until the end of the movie that is when it comes back)

Yall that unspoken scene where Hiccup and Astrid are just frickin shit up WHILE THEY JUST LOOK AT EACHOTHER, I MEAN HICCUP JUST CASUALLY THROWS SHIT TO START A FIRE AND THE ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE STARING AT EACHOTHER HAVE A CONVERSATION COMPLETELY WITH THEIR EYES LIKE THAT IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT AND COUPLE GOALS.

I got such satisfaction out of Toothless destroying grimmels arrow shoter thing and watching as Grimmel started to get afraid, I mean this dude was so confident in his abilites, and up until now he has had the upper hand, but then you can see the “oh shit moment” as he realizes he is starting to lose and heck yea im here for it. Speaking of oh shit moments, when hiccup was riding toothless and they wer getting attacked? and then toothless is like “I SUMMON YOU THOR AND YOUR LIGHTING” and hiccup was like WTH?!!??!?!?

Ok yall that scene when toothless got shot, and hiccup is hanging from the light fury with grimmel on his leg? I mean Grimmel really thought that he had won, he underestimated the love Hiccup has for Toothless, and the moment that Hiccup told the light fury to save Toothless and he let go? the hesitation she had trying to pick who to save? her new mate, or his best friend that she now seems to understand has a great important meaning to toothless? The image of Hiccup falling, and the camera angle? I mean seeing him fall from above, seeing it in his face that he was content, content knowing that his best friend would be alive and safe and that Grimmel would no longer be able to hurt the dragons or his people? Such a self sacrifice, a true Chief just like his father. 

Then the light fury to the rescue! Hiccup being like LOL BYE GRIMMLE YOU DEAD. Also reminded me of when he started to ride toothless back in the first movie and they fell and hiccup got back on his back and in control just in time, because dang she saved him his butt just before he hit the water. But seriously I loved this scene, she went back for hiccup, she saw the interactions Toothless had with him, how Toothless protected him and Astrid in the hidden world, how Toothless CHOSE HICCUP when he saw him in danger in the hidden world, she came to realize that this boy is important to Toothless, and she saw that Hiccup was willing to die for Toothless, and she went back and saved him, and God I got emotional.

Also Hiccup leaning on Astrid because he has lost his prostectic leg, yessss im here for it

NOW TO THE REAL TEAR JERKER I mean gosh you could just see the realization again in Hiccup that the dragons didnt belong with them on Berk, that even though they love the dragons and the dragons love them, even though they have worked together for years and they want to live together in peace they just cant do it safely.There are too many people out in the world who would attack berk, and we have seen that both in the movies and the show, and that puts both the people and the dragons at risk. 

It was safest for everyone if the dragons went to the hidden world, where no one could find them, well expect Hiccup and Astrid who have been there once. I just cant though, that scene was just so amazing and heart crushing. I mean you can see it that Toothless doesnt want to leave his best friend, and Hiccup doenst want him to leave, but he reassures him that its ok that its best for everyone and that its time to say good bye for now, not forever though. Then oh God how Astrid follows him, because she knows hes right too, she knows that they can no longer live with their dragons safely, and she takes off Stormflys saddle and says good bye to her best friend. THEN VALKA who has lived with the dragons for 20 years, she knows too and she doenst hesitate to let Cloudjumper go free, and it made so much sense to me that she was so willing to do so even after being together for 20 years, she has protected them for 20 years so there is no doubt in my mind that Valka would do this without a second though if it meant that was the best thing for her friend. THEN OMG EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS THAT JUST HURT SO MUCH. I mean ever single Berkian seens what Hiccup did, and everyone knows they have a special bond, I mean they all have a special bond with their dragons, but Hiccup and Toothless are different, they were the only pair that we know of that needed each other to fly, I mean sure the other vikings needed their dragons to fly but their dragons didnt need them to fly, toothless relied on hiccup to control his tail and that bond is so special. Anyway, I just thought that all the others saw Hiccup doing this, and hes their Chief the man who started the whole riding dragons for them, so I have no doubt in my mind that they would follow his lead, and again to me they see Hiccup and Toothless doing this letting go, so they must think “If these two can do it so can I”. I just really think it shows how much the vikings truly care for their dragon friends, when you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be happy, even if that means you need to say goodbye. And thats what happened here the vikings loved their dragons so much that they were willing to say goodbye to their friends if it meant that they would be save, and the same goes in the other direction, the dragons are not dumb and I believe they knew that leaving is what was best too, that leaving meant that their viking friends would be safer. The love they all have for each other is so amazing. I only wish that the goodbye was long, I am so bad at goodbyes and omg I just wish they had a longer time to say goodbye, not only to their dragons but to the others as well, I mean toothless saying goodbye to Astrid and Stormfly too Hiccup? uG I SUCK AT GOOD BYWS OK I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL THE DRAGONS.

But man i said to myself ‘you can do it dont cry’ didnt work, I sobbed, legit sobbed, and it wasnt my normal movie cry were its just tears, it was the kind where you can feel the pain in your chest from your heart beating to hard, from trying to hold back the chocked sobs so no one else would  get annoyed, although lets be real they are did the same thing so we all cried.  Seeing them all fly off, AND THE REVERSE HAND TOUCH I CANNOT, THAT REALLY HURT I JUST COULDNT TAKE IT THE PARALLELS REALLY KILLED ME THE ENTIR MOVIE. Then Toothlesses look back at Hiccup, and then the long shot and seeing the massive wave of dragons, and then seening toothless following from the back as he is the last to leave, the vikings looking on with sadness and fondness for their dragons, really did come for my heart.

NOW ONTO HAPPY TIMES. the Wedding, oh my god, how lucky can a girl be? I got to see the mother of all my OTPs get married, and dang they were beautiful, and they looked so happy, it just warmed my heart to know that these two dorks who truly have a special relationship finally got married. Then Gobber called them Chief and Chiefstriss and wow really hit me hard that these two were going to lead Berk together, because they are always there to support each other. THEN that kiss so cute, and how Hiccup goes to gently cup her face with his hands, just wow my otp is the best.

Then we again have love master Tuffnut who will take Snotlout as his new student, and FISHLEGS HAS A LITTLE BABY GRUNKLE STUFFED ANIMAL IN HIS BAG. aND RUFF being like “you win i love sensitive guys” Then we have Hiccup and Astrid looking out to the sea as their friends and family come together with them, and Astrid lays her head on his shoulder so great.

Now dang my boy HICCUP WITH A BEARD??? BEARDCUP IS REAL, and he is wearing his fur cap, and Astrid looking like a frickin QUEEN, and AGAIN HOW LUCKY CAN A GIRL BE I SEE A WEDDING AND I GET CHILDREN????? MY OTP HAS TWO CHILDREN???? AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS.

buT DANG when they saw Toothless through the fog and then the light fury and then the little baby heads pop up, and you can see how happy Hiccup is. But Toothless doenst immediatly recognize him, which makes sense because I mean 10 year for humans can change the looks drastically, and hiccup has a beard now so he doenst look like what toothless remembered, plus hes the alpha and must protect his family. Astrid protecting her children like a frickin badass mom, and Zephry hidding behind her mom and Nuffink going into her chest? Ug love it, they trust their mom to protec them, and I love this to because it really shows that they are children, I mean I have no doubt that Astrid and Hiccup are going to raise them to be brave, I mean its Hiccup and Astrid, but they are still children and well they have grown in a world without dragons, different than their parents, we know at that age Astrid was fearless, I mean she wanted to fight a flightmare, but now the world has changed and they arent at war and they can raise their kids as kids, and I love that they showed that fear in the children it just gave a sense of realism to me. 

Then HIccup DID THE THING with the hand and Toothless finally was like “WAIT THIS IS MY HUMAN” and his eyes went big and omg how he attacked him with kisses and licks. Then Astrids laugh to see them reunite, and them urging their kids that it was ok, and remember before when I said they would raise brave kids? Well this little cuties were afraid, but they still listened and trusted their parents, and omg Zephry was so stiff from fear and her face, and Nuffink was hiding his face, but Hiccup came and showed them how to approach Toothless, and wow here we go again with the hand touch and HIccup telling them to let him come to them, and Toothless did the thing AND OMG THEIR REACTION WAS SO CUTE. The way Zephry cocked her head and smiled, and how Nuffink dropped his hand from his face and his mouth widened in awe of his dragon. 

THEN I GET TO SEE HICCUP WITH HIS SON RIDING TOOHTLESS? AND HIS SOON IS JUST MAKING THE CUTEST LITTLE WAVING MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS. And hiccup throwing his kid in the air as he giggles in delight, and I swear I heard him say “Dada” and it killed me. Then Astrid being Astrid flys right passed them ON STORMFLY, like thank you for not forgetting about my girl, because she loves Stormfly and Stormfly loves her and seeing Astrid ride her with her daughter just made the scene even better. They could have easily forgotten about my girl, but they didnt, they didnt do her dirty, I may not have gotten to see the moment when she and Stormfly met again, BUT I SAW THEY RIDING TOGETHER AND THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Oh yea bonus points for seeing the light fury and the babies flying with them. Then Hiccup just flys upside down dropping Nuffink on Astrids head, and ug the way he just casually clings to his mother, then I was like wow I hope Zephry gets to ride Toothless with he father, AND THEN HE PULLED UP NEXT TO THEM AND HELD OUT HIS HAND TO DO JUST THAT, dreamworks you really came through for me, thank you so much for allowing Dead and all the other hard workers of this franchise make this amazing world for us. It tore my heart apart, but I loved every second of it, and I have no regrets, it was honestly a great ending,no matter how badly it hurt and how badly I wanted them to live together forever, it was just the perfect ending with a great lesson about letting go and moving on, becoming your own person, and being happy with the memories you had, because being able to say you loved something or someone and letting them go is better than never loving them at all, thats what happend to the vikings and dragons, and thats what happened to me personally at the end of it all. I cant wait to relive the magic and watch all the movies again. 

oh how could I forget? The end credits, you thought the pain ended with the end of the movie nope the credits are going to give you every major scene from each movie, reminding us where we started and where we have come to, and that was just the cherry on top of it all. 

Also side note a girl sat behind me and she goes “is that a toothless plushie?” and yes it was so she asked to see it so i handed him to her and we started talking about the movie, she was able to see it during an early release boo i had work. Anyway she asks me how old i was when the first came out, and I said 16, she seemed shook and i asked her the same, she said she was 5, so if math does me right she would be about 14/15. I was older than she is currently is when the first movie came out, thats wild. Then i laughed off the age difference saying “you would never know ill be 25 in a week”, and her (i assume) mom said I looked young haha. But because of the age difference I gave her some good life advice, I told her not to care about what others think of you, Im almost 25 crying over a dragon movie that means the world to me as i sit with my dragon plushie, and her mom just agreed with me and told her to listen to me because I knew what I was saying haha. Shout out to this girl too because shes the one who told me that Hiccup and Astrids’s kids had cannon names, I had been avoiding everything I could about this movie so I was glad to be up to date on that.

Wow this took me like 2 hours to write i think? I mean yea it was mostly for me to read later in life so I can remember this day, all the photos i took before hand, and all the excitement I had, wow Hi future me! Sorry about all the grammar mistakes but Im just typing as the thoughts come, hope I didnt break your heart again as you read all this. Until next time

[cant-icle]

how about 7, 15, 21 and 44?

7) When is your preferred time to write?

Any time that I don’t have access to a computer lmfao honestly i don’t have a preferred time, but the easiest and most gratifying is when a couple of us on the server do 10-15 minute writing challenges, x amount of words in y amount of time. it’s so much easier to force yourself to write when you have to be accountable to someone else!

15) If you write OC’s, how do you decide on their names?

uhhhhh i don’t actually do ocs but for the ones i created for my ofic that i’m working on on and off....for them i took phrases and put them in google translate through like six different languages and picked the one that looked nicest, then swapped some letters around and finally picked one of the words from said phrase to use as their referred-to name (Priesm and Noci are the two main ones)(they’re dragons)

21) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT CHIRI, AKA TOOMANYUNFINISHEDFICS ON AO3

DO YALL LIKE FLUFF? OF COURSE YOU DO. DO YALL LIKE TIME TRAVEL FUCKERY? OF COURSE YOU DO. CHIRI IS WRITING JUST, GHGNGHN, THE BEST STUCK-IN-TIME-LOOP AKIRA SHIT THAT I’VE EVER READ. it’s so fluffy i wanted to DIE. i love the way that chiri writes fluff, just pure sheer unadulterated undiluted fluff that makes you holler and flail

here let me just plug this right now: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287445 

go read it and scream just like me!!

just did 44, but you can have the last line from another wip!

Akira sighs, deep and pained, and rolls over just enough to rest a heavy hand on his arm. He doesn’t have the strength to say what he wants to say, but Ryuji must understand anyway, because the bed knuckles down as another body joins him, moving him to the side just long enough to get comfortable. His hand strokes down Akira’s bare arm, soft, careful pressure that aches just on this side of pleasurable.

He presses his cheek into Ryuji’s side, hooks his arm around Ryuji’s waist, and lets himself drift.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.