#I’m sorry babe you’re reading my fic and it’s tagged with smut

[frownyalfred]

@ the anti shippers tagging their bookmarks of my gen fics “clean”: u ok??

[jj-one]

STRAY KIDS + WHEN YOU’RE BUSY AND THEY CRAVE YOUR ATTENTION !

this is smut, do not interact if under 18

pairing: skz x f!reader genre/tags: smut, fluff, nipple play, fingering, exhibitionism, voyeurism, marking, sexting, sending nudes, piv, unprotected sex (don't be silly, wrap ur willy), masturbation, oral (f receiving), dry humping, pussy slapping, multiple orgasms, spanking, there is probably more but i’m too lazy to write them all words: 4.4k

[note] if you remember seeing this before yes i’m the original author i didn’t plagiarize lol, i made a new blog and was formerly known as @milkychae but deleted a while ago. i’ll be reposting all my old deleted fics and using this as an archive !

BANG CHAN. It was finals week, aka your personal hell. You were always super nervous about tests and if you didn’t score over an 80% that may as well be a failure to you. You sighed as you opened yet another textbook to read, your dickhead professor thought it would be a good idea to pile more homework on top of the fact knowing you all needed to study. Your major was biochemical engineering so you shouldn’t have been too shocked by all this intense workload. As you were sitting on the bed you heard a noise come from the door, looking to the left of you to see Chan coming inside. You don’t really put much thought into it though since you see him literally everyday and you were just really focused on studying right now. That’s when Chan starts to come up behind you, rubbing your shoulders and planting a kiss to your cheek.

“Hiii y/n, I’m back!” He says cheerfully, “I couldn’t wait to see you baby,” he proceeds to try and pry the textbook out of your hands so you can give him your full, undivided attention but you pull it back.

“Sorry babe but I really, really need to study right now.” You tell him with an exhausted look on your face. You’ve been studying for only 2 and a half hours but it feels like the entire day.

Chan looks at you and puts his arm around you, “You look so tired sweetie, why don’t you let me give you a massage?” He asks, already starting by wrapping his hands back on your shoulders.

You loved this man dearly, he just came back home from an 8 hour shift at work but is still offering to give you massages and help you out when you’re stressed. You want to tell him no and that you seriously need to focus back on studying but the intrusive thoughts were slowly winning. Ultimately you gave in to Chan’s desires and he gave you a gentle massage. The massage started off pure at first with no intention of going any further but then his hands slipped a little too far and came in contact with your nipple. He noticed you weren’t wearing a bra underneath so he slips his hand through the opening of your t-shirt, light moans were now leaving your mouth from his touch.

“I’ve been thinking about fucking you all day babe,” Chan softly whispers while pinching your nipples, bringing his other hand down to your thigh and gently caressing it. Chan has always been good at being a distraction for you and his cock is definitely what you need instead of reading about the Principles and Techniques of Molecular Physics.

LEE KNOW. Saturday nights were the best, you had no work and got to do whatever you wanted for the whole day. You weren’t much of an outgoing kind of person so you chose to stay in and have your boyfriend Minho come over and be lazy with you. You were wrapped up in your cozy sherpa blanket watching your favorite kdrama season finale, you and Minho both loved kdramas but you got way too into them. Your eyes have been glued to the show since Minho got there and you only spoke about three sentences to him. He’s sitting on the couch next to you and he’s not as remotely interested in the show as you are, he keeps looking around the room and sneaking glances at you from time to time.

He can’t stop noticing how cute you look today, you were wearing very light makeup and had messy hair. He thought you looked so adorable in your current state, just in awe of your natural beauty. He wraps his arm tightly around you and tries to give you a kiss, but you quickly pull away from him so you can focus back on the TV, not trying to miss anything. Minho gets visibly upset by this, he wants to give you his affection yet you’re currently denying it. He tries one more time to kiss you but you continue to keep pulling away to watch the show. That’s when he decides he’s had enough and grabs the remote to turn off the TV, causing you to get frustrated with him.

“What the hell Minho?!” You say in confusion, you were getting so close to knowing who the girl’s father finally was.

He doesn’t say anything, instead he just starts roughly kissing you, pushing you down on the couch and hovering over your body. He pulls away leaving you breathless, then proceeds to nibble on your earlobe, dragging his tongue further down to lightly suck on your neck, touching a certain spot that makes you inhale sharply. He brings one of his hands to your stomach, rubbing it gently. Beginning to toy with the hem of your sweatpants and wants nothing more than for them to be off.

He was almost going to give in to that idea but a new one came to mind, an even more sinister thought. He grins as he continues rubbing down your thigh, you want him to wipe that smirk off his face so badly because you have no idea what he’s up to. Wondering what he could possibly be thinking about right now. Minho brings his fingers to your clothed heat, sliding them inside the sweatpants and starts rubbing your clit through your panties. You moan for him as you close your eyes, feeling the friction. You buck your hips in the air so you can feel more of him, but Minho grips your hips and holds them firmly in place.

“No, stop. No moving ‘til I say so,” Minho says sternly, giving your clothed pussy a little slap as he looks at you. “Since you’re so willing to ignore me, I get to tell you what to do from now on.”

CHANGBIN. You’ve been cleaning the entire house preparing for your parents to come over for dinner. You wanted to make sure that everything was perfectly spotless and the amount of cleaning you did today could account for your whole lifetime. You were cleaning the stove and just as you were about to grab another clean sponge you see Changbin with a whole box full of donuts from Krispy Kreme.

“How’s it goin’ babe?” Changbin asks while setting the donuts onto the table, he sees you wearing an apron and giant yellow gloves, “looks like you’ve been doing some serious, hard labor!”

“I’ve been cleaning for 5 hours now..” You say with an exhausted look on your face, “I haven’t even finished cleaning the stove yet.”

“Who cares about the stove y/n,” Changbin says, chuckling at your frustration about needing everything to be neat and tidy.

“I’m serious Binnie, I need to clean everything and make sure it’s all perfect!” You tell him while pouting.

“Why don’t you take a break babe.” He suggests out of concern, grabbing your hands to take your gloves off and sets them aside. He slowly brings your body up against the wall behind you, kissing you passionately. He must have been wanting you all day by the way he was hungrily kissing you, the man was sucking on your face for dear life, exploring the depths of your mouth as both your tongues were intertwined. He takes off your apron and grips his hands around your waist while your leg wraps around him, he held you so securely.

As things got more heated, and all your clothes were off, he aligned himself inside you. Your hands were snaked around his neck as you desperately move your hips to feel his cock, feeling every bit of his thrusts in you. Letting out a high-pitched moan as you grab a fistful of his hair and scream his name. Your legs grew weak with each and every stroke Changbin gives you, feeling like you’re going to faint. He continues pounding into you like no tomorrow and you hold tightly onto his shoulders for support. His skin was sticky and sweaty from all the work he’s putting into fucking you, his face looked super focused as he was hitting all the right spots. He was fucking all your stress away at this point and you were feeling so good. You feel yourself coming to your peak as he thrusts into your dripping heat, you’re seeing stars at this point. The harder his strokes were getting, the faster you were to reaching your climax.

“Mmm…gonna cum!” You cry out in pleasure, slowly losing your grip on him as you slip from his grasp. Changbin swiftly picks you up and pins you harder into the wall, making sure you don’t go anywhere by fully pinning his body up against yours. You feel so connected to each other in this very moment as you’re both about to cum, both letting out a string of moans in unison. You both reach your highs together, dizzy as your orgasm washes over you, feeling his cum leaking out of your cunt and dripping down to your leg. You just spent the whole day cleaning and now you have to get cleaned up before your parents come in approximately 30 minutes.

HYUNJIN. It was a long day at work, you were about 6 hours in and you already wanted to end it all. You work at a clothing store and on this particular day for some reason everyone and their mom wanted to come shopping. You’ve been working the register nonstop and you had yet to take a break, you were so busy that you forgot to even take one. You asked one of your coworkers if they could cover for you while you go on lunch and they said yes. You were so excited to finally be able to get to sit down and eat. As you sat in the break room you checked your phone for any missed messages, you see that you have a bunch of missed texts from the new guy you’re seeing. Hyunjin’s name is plastered on your phone and you check the messages straight away, eyes growing wide at what was shown before you. Hyunjin sent you a string of messages:

‘Hey y/n, what’s up?’ [1:15 pm]

‘Imyyy’ [1:25 pm]

‘Wyd? Are you at work?’ [1:42 pm]

‘Yea you’re prob at work :P’ [2:26 pm]

‘I’m a little horny lol’ [2:41 pm]

‘I want youuuu’ [3:02 pm]

He then proceeds to send you a couple shirtless pics of him in bed and a short video of him stroking his erect cock through his boxers. You quickly look around to see if anyone would be able to notice and you don’t see anyone else in the break room besides you. That’s when you open the video fully to see the rest, quickly get turned on as your wetness is only growing. You ran to the bathroom so you can send a photo back, snapping a quick pic of your boobs under your shirt and telling him how wet that video made you at work. You love that he now comes to you for when he feels needy, you like that he craves your attention while you’re gone. He sends you another message saying how much badly he wants to fuck you and he can’t to pick you up from work. You smile at that and tell him you only have 2 more hours to go.

You realize it’s time to get back to work and now all you can think about is that damn video Hyunjin sent you. The way he was stroking his cock all nice and slow made you want to be there to give him even more pleasure. You were walking around all day with wet and sticky panties since you came a little bit from fingering yourself in the bathroom to the video. You couldn’t wait to bounce on Hyunjin’s cock all night after you get off work.

HAN. This was now the fifth dress you tried on and you still haven’t figured out a style you liked yet. You were getting frustrated but you weren’t going to let your pickiness get you down from shopping. You were at the mall with your boyfriend Han and as much as he hated shopping he liked to see you try on the pretty dresses for him so it was a win-win. You go to a different store now and you check out those dresses, making a beeline for the pink ones since that was your favorite color. You check out all the various designs and ask Han which ones he liked best, he didn’t really give much input and just picked the shortest one for you.

You gave him a playful side eye and put the dresses you didn’t like back, heading over to the dressing room so you can try everything on. As you were trying on the dresses, Han was sitting on a bench outside the door, texting all his homies. He soon started to notice how long it’s taking you in there and although you were busy trying on dresses he was getting tired of sitting here and waiting for what seemed like an eternity. He sighs as he figures out what to do, but he ends up deciding to knock on your dressing room door. You don’t reply but he can hear stuff rustling from the inside so he knocks again and tells you it’s just him.

“Uh… I think I need help,” you tell him reluctantly, he’s not sure what you need help with but he comes in anyway. He sees you standing in the dressing room with your hands in the air and the dress halfway up your body, he starts to laugh at how you were stuck in it.

“This isn’t a laughing matter, please help get this damn thing off of me!” You whine, and he begins to unzip the dress from the back, releasing you from its tight grip. You feel like you can finally breathe once again and slip the dress off of you, now completely naked in front of Han. You were only wearing your skimpy g-string and you had your nipples pierced which Han loved about you. He looks you up and down, licking his lips as if he was about to destroy you. The only thought in his head right now was to kiss you, so he grabs your face and crashes his lips into yours, moving some of your hair out the way. You kiss him back but harder and even more passionately, letting him fondle your boobs and play with your piercing. As he toys with your nipples he looks at you with pure lust, his eyes were all hazy and he looked nothing but in love with you. He started kissing your chin and licked the side of your neck, making you get all wet and worked up for him.

“We shouldn’t be doing this right here baby,” you tell Han as he continues roaming all over your body.

“Doesn’t that make you wanna do it even more though?” He says mischievously, sucking on your neck and giving you small hickies. You knew the chances of getting caught were very high but at this moment, you didn’t really seem to care. All you wanted right now was Han and that’s all that was on your mind. His hands slid down between your legs, spreading your pussy lips with his fingers and coating them with your essence. Your wetness was leaking down to your thighs and it took everything in you not to scream from Han’s touch. He inserts two fingers in your tight little hole and goes in and out slowly, you press your lips together trying not to make a sound, so he covers your mouth.

“Shhh… quiet babe,” He whispers into your ear.

FELIX. It’s not secret to Felix that you were a workaholic, you often immersed yourself in your work a little too much. He knows you are an independent woman that enjoys the freedom of working but at the same time he really wishes you’d give that same energy towards him sometimes. You traveled a lot for work and although you two live together, it still puts a strain on your relationship being apart for long periods of times. Felix loves to be around his lover and the fact you are always so busy with work makes him want to shower you with even more love and affection when he sees you. You were gone on another usual business trip but this time it was for a week, that was the longest you’ve gone for work and it was driving him insane. Everyday he thought of you and he would text you little things that he saw randomly throughout the day that reminded him of you. You always appreciated how much Felix adored you and your work ethic, he loved you for you.

The day you came back home from work Felix came to you with open arms, he was more than excited to see you again and all he wanted for the past week was the attention of his beautiful lover.

“I’ve missed you so so much baby,” Felix says whilst giving you the biggest hug, his body was so warm and you melted right into him. You gave him a kiss and he moves you both over to the couch, pulling away from kissing you for a second with a weird grin plastered on his face.

“What’s with that look?” You ask, wondering what he’s thinking in that head of his.

“I got you a little something, I’ll be right back,” he quickly runs to your shared room and comes back with a black box in his hand.

“What’s this?” You ask curiously, holding the box up to examine what it could be.

“Just open it, you’ll be surprised.”

You do as you’re told and open the box, you see a purple velvet bag and you open to see what’s inside. It was a vibrator, it had multiple settings and looked very high quality and expensive. You instantly blushed as you held the item in your hand, looking up at Felix so he can explain what’s going on.

“I wanted to get something to relieve your stress..” he continues “because you’re always so busy and stuff, y’know.”

You smile at the naughty gift your boyfriend gave you, giving him another kiss and thanking him.

“Want to use it on me now?” You ask, knowing that he’ll say yes to you in a heartbeat. Felix’s eyes light up like a kid in a candy store and he agrees without hesitation. He sits next to you on the couch with the toy in his hand and you’re now making out. As one thing leads to another, you end up naked lying on your back with your legs spread wide out for him. He has the toy on one of the highest settings and you’ve squirted about three times for him already.

“Come on baby, you can give me another. Just one more,” Felix says demandingly, having too much fun with this toy.

You spring your head back as you feel the toy in your soaking wet entrance, you don’t know how much more of this you can take. Your legs were violently shaking and the couch was soaked with your juices, you felt like you didn’t have anything left in you. Felix keeps fucking the toy in and out of you making you scream out for him, he palms himself through his pants as he does it.

“I never want you to be away from me again y/n,” Felix’s deep voice rasps as he pumps the toy into you deeper, “I mean it this time.”

SEUNGMIN. You were laughing hysterically as you were scrolling through TikTok, you’ve been glued to your phone for hours at this point. You showed Seungmin, who was sitting next to you on his bed yet another TikTok that he probably wouldn’t think is funny. You put the screen up to his face to show him the video and he looks but doesn’t really seem that interested. You tell him how funny you think the video is and he just shrugs his shoulders.

“You know, I’d rather have you shoved in my face rather than a phone.” Seungmin says to you.

‘Ok boomer’ you think to yourself, not wanting to actually say it incase he gets offended. You decide to just ignore his comment and go back to watching hilarious TikToks. Seungmin starts to get bored and he when he gets bored he becomes bratty. You hear him whine a little bit, looking up from your phone to see him pouting and all you want to do is give him a kiss.

“C’mere,” You command for him to come closer, he quickly does so looking like a lost puppy. He plants a chaste kiss to your lips, then begins to leave a trail of kisses down your neck. He slips a hand under your tank top and lightly squeezes your boob. You sigh as you feel him innocently brush past your nipples, then he trails some more kisses down your stomach. Once he makes his way down to your lower body, he quickly takes off your pants with ease. Teasing your clothed pussy a little bit, watching as a wet spot starts to appear from the outside, he circles your clit and starts to sniff you.

“You smell good baby,” Seungmin compliments, finally taking off your panties and tossing them somewhere on the bed. He kisses the inside of your thighs and feels the warmth of your skin on his lips. He loves every inch of you and he wants to take his time with you. Flicking his tongue on your clit and you hiss at the feeling, you want him to fuck you with his tongue. He licks a nice long stripe across your wet folds, staring up at you while doing so, your phone still in your hand the whole time. Seungmin brought his head up more to face you, “keep looking at your phone while I eat you out babe, pretend like I’m not even here.”

You comply with his instructions, continuing to watch TikToks like normal and Seungmin goes back to devouring your pussy like the good boy he is.

JEONGIN. It was a very nerve wrecking day for you, you were meeting Jeongin’s parents for the first time today. You put on your most expensive Dior perfume and prettiest heels to meet his mom since Jeongin told you she was very into fashion and can tell when girl’s wear cheap perfume. You wanted to impress this woman as much as possible since this was definitely going to be the man you wanted to marry someday. Jeongin reassures you the whole day that she was going to love you regardless,

“Even if you wore perfume from the Dollar Tree she’d still like you!” He tries to give reassurance. You don’t believe that’s true but when you get to his mom’s house you meet her and the rest of his family. His dad was super nice and everyone was very welcoming towards you. You were actually shocked by how chill and laid back everyone was, you felt bad for assuming that they would be mean to you. Jeongin’s mom was the last person you met, when you met her she came off as a little timid but then she started to warming up to you once you started having a lot of things in common.

She was really sweet and super funny, you now know why Jeongin is such a charming guy. You see Jeongin come up to you so he can pull you away from his mom for a bit but his mom brushes him off to tell him she wasn’t finished talking. He walks away with a defeated look on his face and you continue talking with his mom. When the food is ready everyone gathers at the table to eat and you sit beside Jeongin, his mom was across from you both. You were busy for most of the day talking with his family and getting to know everyone. He wanted to be with you but he couldn’t even get the chance, feeling left out in the conversation. You feel your phone vibrate from the table and you pick it up to see who it is, seeing that it’s from Jeongin but you’re confused because he’s sitting right next to you. You turn towards him to ask him why he just texted you but he puts his finger to his mouth to tell you it’s a secret. You place your phone under the table to look at the message,

‘Come meet me in the bathroom upstairs by the laundry room ;)’

You instantly blush from reading that text and try to hide your flustered expression. You look at him and nod your head to signal that you understand. Jeongin shoots his head up and tells his parents who were across the table from him that he needs to be excused to go to the bathroom. You shoot yourself in the foot thinking about what excuse you can come up with so you both don’t look sketchy.

“Sorry please excuse me I have to take this important call for my job,” you quickly say to his parents as you head over to where you’re supposed to go.

You meet Jeongin in the bathroom where he told you to and you went straight to heavily making out. He grabs your ass and spanks it lightly, “How long you think we can be in here before they start to notice?” You ask, his lips now glued to your neck.

“I dunno, I honestly don’t really give a fuck.” He says bluntly, turning you around to face the sink and the mirror, pressing his bulge against your ass. He starts grinding his dick against you slowly, kissing your neck and running his fingers down your body. He lifts up your dress and drags his cock to rub against your clothed cunt, you lowly moan his name and he smiles. He’s about to fuck you so hard against this sink all the while his parents not having a clue where you two went.

[wonysugar]

wonder why i’m bitter | julie han

♫⋆｡♪ ₊˚♬ ﾟ. casual — chappell roan

synopsis : friends don’t act like this, you would know that better than anyone else.

pairing : non-idol!julie x fem!reader

genre : smut, angst, smutty angst, if you will! heavy on the angst though sorry.

tags : they were roommates,,, making out, marking, implied possessiveness, implied jealousy, anal rimming (heyyy), strap-on sex, vaginal penetration, cunnilingus, julie is bent ova, and YESS WHO SAID BACKSHOTS, arguing, topsub!femreader, bottomdom!julie, frequent mentions of sexuality, praise kink, cheating?? could you call this cheating,, one singular l-bomb,,, yikesss

warnings : none..? i guess apart from the obvious content warnings here (angst and smut) there’s some underlying internal homophobia themes?? but i don’t think it’s that bad tbh IDK BE WARNED JUST IN CASE

word count : 3,1k

a/n : haiii!! i’m finally posting this draft OUHH it went through so many changes, like for example THE TITLEE?? i was gonna make the title be a lyric to ‘goodluck, babe!’ by chappell roan since i originally based the fic on that but i ended up listening to casual instead and went woaahh,, this fits so much more what the hell?!? but yeahh i think i’m happy with how it turned out! :’) i hope you guys can say the sameedckem

ALSO! first time writing anything involving anal,, while yes i do talk about it often (ahem we all know,,) i was incredibly nervous in the process and this definitely made me step out of my comfort zone, hope it isn’t too apparent in this ;; but yeah, to stop rambling, thank you for reading!! i hope you like itt! :]]

“so…” julie’s friend makes a motion between the two of you with a raised eyebrow, wearing a curious smile. “what exactly are you two?” they ask. you thought about it for a few moments, theoretically, you two are roommates, friends at most. but, if anything, you’re more like a couple behind closed doors. 

you shrug, thinking nothing of it, “i guess we’re kind of like—“

“we’re just friends.” she places, wearing a polite smile at the familiar in front of her before you could even think about the rest of your sentence. when you turn to look at her, she’s avoiding your gaze, already familiar with the type of expression you’re wearing. 

it’s the face you always make when she pushes you away like this.

turning back to her friend, you nod slightly, “yeah. we’re friends.” trying your hardest not to let your dejection show through your smile. 

maybe it’s all just in your imagination, perhaps you guys were never even close to being a ‘thing’ and you were the one who thought too much into it. but alas; no matter from which angle you looked at it, the way she displayed any ounce of affection towards you would always make you overthink what you two were exactly. anything she’d do in the comfort of your own apartment with you was never close to anything she’d do in public, in front of the eyes of everyone walking by. she always acts like she barely knows you whenever she is surrounded by people, whether she knows them or not.

you think about it often.

you think about her often.

you asked yourself, do you even like her like that? well, she’s pretty chill, smart, witty and funny. she’s also beautiful, and one hell of a tease, that much is obvious, you’ve had sex with her numerous times in the past, so sexual attraction is out of the question; you already knew the answer to that. the better question probably was; does she even like you like that?

“you done with them?” says julie, referring to the pile of kitchenware you guys left from last night on the counter as she hugs you from behind and rests her head on your shoulder, her arms wrapping all around your waist and watching you. you, on the other hand, were taken by surprise by the sudden display of affection, so much so that you lost your original train of thought. as much as you knew that she liked physical touch, it always did surprise you whenever you randomly felt her skin come in contact with yours throughout the day. getting quickly accustomed to the feeling of her lips kissing your shoulder, you hummed in response, washing and scrubbing the plate with the soaped-up sponge you were holding.

“almost.” 

she whines in an exaggerated manner, “hurry uppp..” lightly tapping on your stomach and resting her head on your shoulder, before adding, “i miss you.”

you giggle, putting away the plate you were now done washing, quickly grabbing another dirty one, “i’m right here, though?”

“no like,” she left another kiss on your shoulder, “i miss you.” 

you smirked, getting progressively more and more amused by the girl’s foreign, yet familiar behavior towards you, feeling her embrace you even tighter.

“oh yeah? well in that case, i miss you too, julie.”

you knew exactly what the girl in question meant by ‘i miss you’ and you would’ve teased her further if it weren’t for how impatient she was getting, despite how cute it was. her heavily annoyed sighs giving it away, despite those also being sprinkled with a tiny bit of humor. 

“come onn, don’t play dumb with me, smartass.”

so, you pushed the oblivious act aside and obliged, setting the plate down before facing her.

your lips danced in sync with hers as you carried her to your bed. once you got there, you gently sat her down on the edge of the mattress, lips still intertwined whilst her hands glided along the curves of your body, tracing circles with the tip of her index finger on your soft skin. 

you didn’t waste any time in laying her down moments later,, your mouth now eagerly roaming her neck and collarbone and leaving kisses down along her body, successfully marking it up. listening to her quiet hums, you proceeded to slide down her sweatpants, your hands tugging on the waistband.

now left in only her panties, you allowed your fingers to glide over the damp spot in between her legs, teasing the clothed entrance and taking in all of her reactions all at once. 

looking at you through the light brown hair that fell perfectly on her face with hooded eyes and slightly upturned eyebrows, she whispered in a low, husky and raspy tone, “see, baby? see how wet i am for you?”

now, julie had this certain ability to turn even the most confident person alive on this earth into a nervous wreck.

you were, obviously, no exception from her spells. if anything, you, y/n, were a prime example.

you slowly nodded at her words, entranced, feeling yourself fall more and more at her mercy with each second that passed. that earned a smirk from her, putting her hand atop yours, before continuing, “you’re gonna be good and do something about it, right?” 

you nodded once again, this time more eager. 

“words, darling.” she whispered.

“yes,” you muttered in response, a mix of nervousness and eagerness taking over all five of your senses, “o-of course i will.”

she hummed, perfectly content with your adorable answer, before pulling you back into a hungry kiss for another long, pleasant while. that is, until she added something else between kisses, something that made you shudder.

“get the strap.” 

immediately reaching for the drawer next to your bed upon hearing those words, lips still connected to hers, you obeyed and pulled the cabinet open, quickly pulling out the phallic silicone object residing in it as well as the harness, too impatient to feel even embarrassed about the sudden action. 

it didn’t take long before the harness was tight around your hips, the brunette bent over in front of you at the edge of the bed with her panties pulled down to her thighs. you ravished in the sight; her perfect pink pussy sitting before you, slick and wet with desire, begging for you to finally please it properly, practically throbbing in anticipation. who were you to deny her of such pleasure? 

you traced your index finger along her slit, your digit comfortably nestled in between her slippery folds as it slowly teased the entrance. 

rewarded by the sweet sounds coming out of her, you wasted no more time and slowly leaned into her core, giving a long swipe of the tongue to her pussy.

“ohh shitt..” overhearing her moans, you smiled against her as you were now making out with her swollen cunt, intending to taste every drop of her slick, not wasting a single one. your lips circled around her bundle of nerves, giving it small and gentle sucks whilst one of your hands massaged her ass.

subconsciously, julie’s back arched with each movement that your tongue made inside her, her head hung low on the bed as she whimpered filthy praises, her sounds just slightly muffled from the white bedsheet she had over her mouth. 

you heard them, though. 

thank god you heard them.

after a long while of giving more than endless attention to her pussy, you felt your mouth move upwards by itself, driven by the pure desire to make her feel even better than she already was. 

your tongue quickly made its way to her ass, roaming and dancing around her rim, which immediately earned a sharp gasp from her part. you’ve never made it a habit to eat julie’s ass, but whenever you did? it was always enough to cloud your brain with pure, raw want, and it always seemed to catch her pleasantly off-guard, since you’d always do it without any warning. 

you attempted to relax her again by tracing slow circles around her hole with your muscle, before inserting it fully, which you could only assume worked, since you could hear her whines get longer and louder. “fuckk yes baby..” she shamelessly moaned, this time more audibly due to her raising her head up and looking back at you as best as she possibly could, “that’s it, such a sweet girl for me— ah..“ 

using one of your hands, you made sure to thoroughly stimulate her clit, rubbing circles around it and even going as far as to inserting two fingers inside her dripping cunt with your other hand in the process, all whilst the muscle in your mouth flicked way within her, drilling and wriggling as you hummed against her. 

after what felt like hours of you messily rimming her, hours of her pushing herself further onto your mouth, practically fucking herself on you, you figured it was finally time to give her what’d she been wanting ever since she came up behind you in the kitchen.

pulling your fingers out and standing back up, you lined up your strap-on to her aching core, pressing the head against it before slowly inserting its entire length inside of her. 

she let out a groan at the feeling of being penetrated, which progressively turned into longer and more suggestive sounds. it all sounded like music to your ears, it only made you want to please her more.

you reached for her hand, grabbing it upon contact. she squeezed yours with just as much force in return, pleasure visibly taking over her senses. it didn’t take long for you to be full on thrusting into her, either, feeling her walls clench around your fake cock as she babbled praises. 

it was a small gesture, sure, but it made you feel things you weren’t quite certain on how to label.

“such a good girl for me—“ was what she let out, a loud moan escaping her agape mouth whilst you continued pounding her, faster with each second that passed. “f-fuck y/n i love you—“

you saw her lose herself under you, you watched in… admiration? infatuation? whatever it was, you thought she looked mesmerizing, especially with how her brown long hair fell all over the place, how perfect she sounded, how perfect she looked.

how perfect she was.

the words “i love you” resonated in your head. 

“who’s eric?” you ask her, having thrown glances at her phone that was charging on the kitchen counter whilst washing a plate, the singular one you had left untouched due to being… distracted. 

you finished washing it, then turned around, now met with a surprised julie, clothed in a pair of booty shorts and a white tank top, she was fresh out of the shower, towel drying her hair. that is, until she unexpectedly heard you speak that name, her eyes immediately darting between you and the phone, greeted by that man’s contact name and picture on the latter, an incoming phone call from his part. 

“a guy?” she says back, in her usual sarcastic yet gentle and quiet tone, “thought that was obvious enough—“

jealousy and inexplicable possessiveness flooded your senses; you knew most of her friends, but, you had no idea who this ‘eric’ dude was, and that especially ate at you. why was he calling her, on a random weekday at like, 4 pm? you had checked the clock hanging on the wall to confirm the time.

“well yeah but, i don’t think i know an eric.” you stated, wary of what the girl before you was gonna say, “who is he?”

“…i just told you, some dude. i met him on campus and we just exchanged contacts after he complimented me, a while ago.” she replied, slight annoyance cracking through the facade of the joking expression she wore. she ran her dominant hand through her messy and wet hair, causing it to fall back perfectly on the side of her face and her exposed shoulders. 

she added, “sure, he makes it very clear he wants to hook up with me, but that’s all it’ll ever be i think, he’s not the type of guy you’d wanna date seriously. why do you ask—“ 

“no reason.” you cut her off, cold and dry.

she furrowed her eyebrows, the previous annoyance being more and more apparent, this time only paired with confusion. “…what?” 

“so this is completely normal for you? like, you guys hook up and call each other sometimes and you’re just casually telling me about it? what, does he take you out on dates too?” 

“what are you, my girlfriend or something?” she scoffed, bitter and defensive, gently throwing the towel on the couch in close proximity to her, “and what if he does, why’s it such a big deal to you?” 

why is it such a big deal to me?

why is it such a big deal to me?

and before you know it, you’re quickly matching her tone. “i simply don’t understand how you could tell me something so casually, especially right after we—“

“listen, let’s get this straight.” she says to you, “i know that just because you and i fuck sometimes you’re convinced that it’s gotta mean something, that we’re something, but we aren’t. it doesn’t fucking mean shit to either of us and you know that very well. it’s all in good fun; i don’t belong to you, y/n, and i never will.” 

“it’s not about that?” you walked closer to her as you justified, trying to get your point across, “i’m not saying that you belong to me julie i’m just trying to say that—“

her stare pierces right through you as she cuts you off, and you could’ve sworn you noticed her eyes being glossy. her eyebrows furrowed in anger at you, she added on, “who i date isn’t your business. we’re just friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be, end of discussion. don’t try to turn our friendship into something it isn’t.” 

friends?

“so now i’m the crazy one for not liking the fact that you’re talking to that dude?” you eventually yelled back. you didn’t even notice her grabbing her things as you talked, ready to head out, despite her hair still being wet from the recent shower. you, however, noticed how she took her still ringing phone and put on her favorite puffy jacket, her soft hand’s acrylic nails digging and clutching onto the mentioned cellular device as you rambled on and on, irritated beyond comprehension. 

“we’re not fucking dating y/n, it’s all casual, i.. i’m not even into girls like that—” she asserted herself, trying her absolute hardest to sound as convincing as possible. you heard it, though, you heard that little twinge of doubt and guilt in her voice. it’s almost like she, herself, didn’t believe whatever nonsense was coming out of her mouth. 

how funny was it to watch her say that all whilst having the fresh hickeys you left on her neck and collarbone not even a few hours ago?

perhaps eric will notice them, too.

perhaps with that, he’ll realize how good you treat her, how he’ll never be able to do it like you do.

how he’ll never be able to make her feel as good as you do.

“sure, you aren’t.” you scoffed at her words, before proceeding to add on, “since you swear you aren’t, how about you stop acting like you are? you know, instead of giving me shit for getting upset.” 

“sorry?—“ she laughed bitterly, those words cut deep.

let me talk, you thought, let me place a damn word.

you continued, “no, seriously! you always do this julie, you always make me feel like i’m fucking insane for seeing it the way it is, for the way i see us. you’re convinced that there’s nothing between us, that we’re just friends, yet friends don’t randomly kiss me throughout the day for whatever reason, do they? they don’t fuck me and tell me that they love me in the process, do they?” as you spoke, she avoided your gaze and walked right past you, heading straight for the front door.

that’s when you recalled a certain moment, “sure, why not, let’s say, for your sake, that completely normal friends do fuck sometimes; they don’t buy you stupid lovey-dovey bullshit on valentine’s day and drive you to the middle of nowhere to stargaze, they do not take you out at night and take every opportunity to kiss you in public whenever nobody’s looking, they don’t fucking say they love you while you’re deep inside them— i mean for fuck’s sake julie do you hear yourself??”

she stopped in her tracks in front of the door, her hand resting on the doorknob. she hates it when you read her like a book, she hates it when you call her out on being the way she acts with you, she hates it when you stare at her like that— she fucking hates you. she fucking hates you for making her feel the way she does, for making her question everything about herself, she hates herself for thinking about you whenever she’s with him—

she let out a noise, something in between a sob and a laugh, before looking back at you with tear-filled eyes, she stared at you, up and down. her eyebrows twitching slightly, she then set her eyes on the ground and bit her lip in what seems to be frustration, frustration aimed both at you and herself.

“if i knew it was gonna be like this, i would’ve never done anything with you to begin with.” her voice was shaky.

you watched her figure as she turned the doorknob and slammed the door on you, with a loud clack. just like that, the apartment was empty, silent and once again, peaceful.

she’d be back, of course, whether she decides to sleep somewhere else and come back the next day or sneak back in here in the middle of the night on this same day, she always comes back after a fight. still, despite knowing that, you couldn’t help but feel like drowning in your own guilt, as this argument wasn’t like any other other. her pained expression still vivid in your memory and terrorizing you, you were afraid that you might never see her again after that.

that was pure dramatization, however.

the only thing that occupied the deafening silence of the room was the muffled sound of julie sniffling and being on the phone with who you assumed to be that boy, already planning to meet up. then, you could’ve sworn you heard the name “eric?” being pronounced as it progressively faded in the distance as she walked away, basically confirming your theory. 

that’s all that filled your house and your clouded mind.

that, and the sound of your pathetic sobbing.

[irisintheafterglow]

just too soft for all of it

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ now playing: taylor swift - "sweet nothing"

summary: you only call bakugo when you need his body. what happens when you need him for a different reason? (prohero!bakugo x reader)

wc: 1.1k

cw/tags: fwb to lovers, no explicit smut (just implications and allusions but mdni just in case), descriptions of anxiety and a panic attack, angst/comfort with happy ending, swearing, pet names (sweetheart, baby, babe), broken glass, stubborn reader and even more stubborn katsuki

note: is this my coping mechanism for all the 'casual' inspired fics i've seen lately? possibly. will i continue to keep reading said 'casual' inspired fics? definitely. haven't written kats in a hot minute, hope you like it :)

likes, reblogs, and replies are appreciated!

"I need you." 

"I'm busy. This new report shit is going to be the death of me, I swear–"

"I need you right now. Please." Your voice shakes and he mistakes it for horny desperation.

"Aww, you need me that bad? Need me to come and make you feel good, is that it?" He smirks patronizingly and you hear it through the phone, despite your vision going in and out of clarity.

"Katsuki," you breathe, and his hand goes deathly still over his paper. You never said his name like that; you always addressed him outside of the covers as 'Bakugo' or 'shithead' or 'asshole.' He hears you swallow, his senses finally returning and realizing just how exhausted you sound. "I can’t breathe–I think I'm...I think I'm having a panic attack and-and I can't calm down and it's–it's too much and–"

"Breathe, sweetheart," he says before you can continue, his hand flinging open his front door and blasting himself into the darkness. "Just hold on, I'm on my way." 

By the time he’s let himself into your apartment, it’s nearly midnight. He considers toeing off his shoes at the door but quickly decides against it when he spots the broken glass scattered across your dining room floor. You’re hugging your knees close to your chest, so backed up against the floor cabinets that he almost missed you when he looked for you in the kitchen. The glass crunches beneath his shoes as he crouches down to look at you, relief flooding him as he realizes the glass didn’t injure you. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, trembling even as he peels your arms away from your sides. “It just–I was making late dinner and one of my glasses broke and everything just came crumbling down…” He’d never seen you like this; you were always the collected one, the one who was always teasing him for being stressed when, in reality, you were just better about hiding all the weight on your shoulders. Your breath comes in short inhales and pained exhales and it’s like Katsuki’s body instinctually knows what to do. Taking your hands in his, he presses them against his chest at the exact spot where you can feel his heartbeat. It’s steady as a steam engine, thumping below your fingertips. In through the nose. Without breaking eye contact, he exhales a deep breath, nodding encouragingly when you copy him. Out through the mouth. 

“That’s it, baby. Just like that,” he murmurs, breathing deeply again and again and again until your body ceases its fight or flight response. “You’re doing great, sweetheart. Just keep breathing.” 

“Katsuki…” 

“We’ll talk after, I promise,” he gently reassures you, softer than you’d ever heard him speak. “For now, I need to make sure you’re okay.” In through the nose, out through the mouth. Even when he knows the situation is de-escalated, he doesn’t dare move his hands, nor stop modeling deep breathing. He waits for you to say that you’re done, to yank your hands away and mock him for being so caring and thoughtful, attributes that didn’t come with your strictly physical relationship. You don’t; you stay there on the floor with him until the tension in your body completely releases, leaving you slumped against your cabinets. You move to position your knees under you, but his hands catch your wrists a split second before your palms hit the floor. You glance at him with a confused expression. “The glass, babe. Lemme put you on the couch and I’ll clean it up.”

“You don’t need to do that. I can clean it when I’m–” You’re cut off by the sensation of being lifted off the ground, his arms effortlessly bringing you against his chest and laying you on your living room couch. “Wait, I can just clean once you leave."

“Stop,” he grumbles with a burst of intensity that takes you aback. “I’m gonna take care of you, so sit and wait until I’m done. Got it?” You blink at him but he doesn’t relent, and you’re forced to nod and wait as he meticulously sweeps and vacuums every single particle of glass until sleep is nudging at your eyelids. He’s just stuck your vacuum back in the closet as you muster up the energy to stand, stumbling in the direction of your room. “Fucking hell, you don’t know when to quit,” he mutters, sweeping your legs out from under you again and carrying you the rest of the way to your bed. 

“Who knew you could be so doting?” 

“You’re mocking me when I’m literally carting you around your own place. Unbelievable,” he scoffs, carefully settling you on the covers and taking a seat at the edge. 

“I’m not being sarcastic,” you reply, your eyelids sleepily opening and closing. “I really am surprised that you’re taking care of me like this.” 

“Of course I’m taking care of you, dumbass,” he grunts. “I know we said no attachment, but you’re more than a body to me.” His voice quiets but you hear it anyway, smiling against the pillow. 

“When were you gonna tell me that, idiot?”

“Not sure. Was waiting for the perfect moment.” He shrugs, reaching over to run his hand up and down the side of your thigh. 

“And you think this is it?” 

“It’s definitely not, but it felt like the right thing to say.” You hum in contentment and he slyly rubs his hand backward just to see what happens. 

“Easy there, cowboy,” you chuckle, looking up at him over your shoulder. “Even when I’m broken, you can’t resist grabbing my ass.” 

“You’re not broken. Don’t say that about yourself. And even if you were,” he scolds, though you know there’s no venom behind it. “Guess who’s gonna be the one to put you back together?” You hum again and he can feel your consciousness slipping. “You gonna let me stay the night, sweetheart?” 

“Is the sky blue, dumbass?”

“Just checking,” he grins, positioning himself beside you and flipping you over to face him. You groan in protest but still mold yourself into Katsuki’s chest, his arm securing you against his body. “G’night.”

“Night, Katsuki. Don’t let your alarm wake me up early or I’ll kick you in the dick,” you warn, your body further relaxing in his warm safety. 

“After everything I’ve done for you tonight? So ungrateful.” You snort, drifting off with a smile on your face that makes his heart stutter. He double checks that all his alarms are off and, for good measure, turns off his phone entirely. No one’s reaching him tonight, not when you’re his first priority. When he’s sure you’re out, he whispers the real reason why, even when it wasn’t a booty call, he rushed to you in the middle of the night. 

“Mmm,” you hum and he freezes, having no idea whether you were responding or just making that noise in your sleep. “I love you too, Katsuki.” 

if you enjoy my writing and would like to support me, you can buy me a coffee on my ko-fi! commissions and nsfw requests can be sent through my fiverr! you can also check out my full masterlist here :)

[everythingseasoning]

Smut reader for my Series: Stay with me, Satoru

Virgin reader x feral Satoru

MINORS GET OUT, MDNI, 18+

Trigger Warnings: feral satoru, little bit of manhandling, satoru kinda disregards reader’s nerves (this fic is not for everyone, especially if you have certain triggers, so please read at ur own discretion 🤍)

He couldn’t help it— you were too cute. Satoru let out a low chuckle, his ocean-eyes flashing like a glacier in the moonlight. You watched him as he stared right into your own eyes; Satoru’s irises gleamed, and he smiled maniacally. He was looking into the depths of your soul without really seeing your present self— your expression shifted to one of concern, but Satoru kept staring, not moving at all—

Oh. It was happening again. There were times Satoru went a little insane, showing an unhinged side to himself. Like right now, with those shining eyes. You felt a chill run through your body. “Satoru? You’re scaring me,” you said quietly.

You saw something flicker across Satoru’s face, and your boyfriend cocked his head.

“Sorry babe,” Satoru said, voice low, sensual and rich, warbling. Suddenly you were in the air— you let out a yelp as you felt an impact, your back on the mattress, the breath knocked out from your chest. Satoru stood looming over you, his blue eyes flashing in the dark, his snow-white hair glowing like the moon.

“T–toru—” you squeaked, eyes wide as saucers as you gazed up at him.

“Now, my love, if you keep looking at me like that, I’ll have to take you this instant. And that wouldn’t be good for you, would it now?” Satoru sing-songed.

“Wait— this is— this is too much,” you gasped as Satoru took a slow, calculated step towards you. Things were going too fast. You were anxious, you’d never had sex before, and you wanted to take things slowly. But all you could see was Satoru’s tall, lean frame domineering over you, and the rainy window behind him. Brilliant lightning flashed in the purple distance.

“What’s too much, darling?” Satoru asked, taking another step closer.

“I just feel like you’re going to wreck me. I’m really nervous.”

Satoru was never one to get turned on by weakness, but for some reason, your fragility and fawn-like nature worked oh so well in the bedroom.

My my, he just had so much to show you. You wouldn’t be an inexperienced virgin by the end of the night, not with his plan. He’s a teacher, after all. He wants you to figure out the way by diving right in, and figuring out your own rhythm.

Your breath hitched as Satoru pounced on you, his knees bent on the mattress, caging you in as he straddled you from above.

“I am going to wreck you darling,” Satoru breathed, as he pressed feather light kisses to your forehead. You shivered as your boyfriend kept whispering, his voice rumbling gently in the dark. “And you’ll find out what you like, what makes you feel so good. It’s time to learn fast, baby.”

i don’t know if i should finish this— i found this draft in my Google docs for my upcoming enemies to lovers, slow burn & detailed Gojo x reader fanfiction series here, // i must’ve written this when I was feeling a little something something. ♨️♨️

Comment to be on my tag list & if you want me to finish this smut!

[kedsandtubesocks]

part of your world

Javier Peña x Mermaid!Reader

summary: you know the surface is dangerous, but how dangerous can it be with a man this gorgeous

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY MDNI. Post Narcos Season 3, one brief threat of drowning, magic & fantasy, mermaid lore, light gendered language, soft!Javi, protective!Javi, major pinning & yearning, light angst, Javi and his use of nicknames, instance of violence/gun usage with blood & severe injury, heavy implied smut with spicy/soft moments

word count: 9.9k (i’m sorry)

a/n: our first fic of our mini mer-may series! this is my love letter to all of us who played mermaids in the pool & dreamed of a handsome prince waiting for us, I couldn’t have done this without @perotovar @burntheedges @saradika & @tuquoquebrute cheering me on… I can’t thank you babes enough! And to you, if you read this - I’m so thankful for you too ♡

The storm approaches fast, looms in the air with a brewing quiet spark you can feel on your skin.

Yet the men in the boat continue to unpack, getting ready to sail.

You’ve been watching them since they arrived here earlier today. This part of the pier is your favorite to watch surface dwellers in the protection of the waves and the shadows.

It’s a quiet season this time around the Gulf. You’re even surprised the men are even out here. Two seem youthful, playfully kidding with each other. Most of them seem older, wear their age lines beautifully with smiles and laughter.

It’s why you love watching the land dwellers so much. The beauty of embracing their age among a turbulent world is admirable.

Or maybe you just enjoy watching these humans because one has caught your attention.

Older yet still young, a weariness floats around this man. He moves around with confidence on the boat and is incredibly beautiful. His deep dark eyes remind you of the earth’s soil. With a sharp jaw, nice facial hair and handsome nose - he’s unlike any human you’ve ever seen.

Cautiously and protectively, the man keeps an eye on one of the older land dwellers, his father possibly with how similarly they look. You admire that. He also makes sure all the fishing lines are safe and secure while the others talk with excited glee. But you ache to cry out in protest, urge them to stop because you sense what’s approaching that they might not.

“Maybe we should stay put, Pop.” Your handsome human says, and your heart jumps. Maybe he senses it too.

The man, his father, waves him off saying to not worry.

Dread fills you fast watching the ship slowly leave the port. Diving under the waves to follow, you just want to be sure they make it back.

The ocean shifts tempestuously. The boat isn’t even that far from the harbor when the storm unleashes its fury. The sea swirls in that wildness. Even among the waves you hear the screams from above.

Before you can reach the surface, someone falls into the water.

From the color of the shirt you know exactly who it is.

You swim as fast as you can to your handsome human now under the waves. Even for you, a strong swimmer, it takes a lot to fight against the surge until you have the man in your arms and swim towards the surface. Your tail thrashes strong against the current.

You keep the surface dweller pressed above you, shielding you from the eyes of the others on the boat.

The man you’ve saved coughs out the water as you try keeping him afloat while also staying hidden. Cries of joy erupt over seeing him.

The waves continue splashing against you making it harder to stay hidden. Then a loud boat horn arrives. Your eyes snap to the side.

A familiar red aid ship approaches.

Fear clutches you fast. They might see you. Then a wave rises high, and you can’t fight against the ocean’s power. It takes you and the man underneath it.

The water knocks you out a bit breathless. But you also see this as a chance to save this human then finally make an escape among the turbulent waves.

Securing him solidly in your arms, you swim back to the surface. With all your might, you guide him up to the shadow of the boat.

The yelling on the surface is loud, chaotic and frantic.

“There! There! I see him!” Someone cries. You support the man under the water, holding him up from the waves until he’s hoisted out.

While you watch him rise about, you sink below.

From the cover of the nearby rocks, you watch the rescue boats guide the main ship back to safety. Everyone scrambles to check on the man you rescued.

His father cries holding him and it’s a treasured sight. But you don’t miss the way your human’s eyes scan the water, almost frantic and confused -

Like he’s searching for something.

You try not to linger on that and instead descend back into the water.

-

Talk swirls about the boat saved during the storm and the man who fell overboard and survived.

You don’t want to embrace pride, but you soak in the nice satisfied truth knowing you helped.

But you’re tired, worn from the waves. You should have maybe stayed deeper under the water for the day. So after lingering around the dock, you move to a secluded spot beneath the larger pier. There’s a few sand dunes and you swim to rest halfway on one of them.

The sound of the waves soothes you. Slowly, you close your eyes.

“It’s you.” Until a human man’s voice arrives, and your eyes snap open panicked.

Off to the side along the coastline stands the man from yesterday, the handsome human.

In the sun’s glow, he’s radiant. But this is dangerous. He’s spotted you. After your wide terrified eyes lock with his, instantly you jump into the water.

You could have sworn you heard him scream out “Wait!” but you’re swimming too fast to even turn back around to check.

Even under the safety of the sea, your heart rattles wildly in your chest, erratic.

He saw you, that handsome surface dweller saw you.

-

There’s a warning tale that’s spread among your world.

One of your kind fell in love with a human, went to the surface and lost her heart.

She never returned, presumed to be dead. She became a haunting story told as a warning. That tale, along with many other frightful encounters, repeat over and over in your head now.

You shouldn’t have come back.

But you just had to check.

You vow this will be the first and last time.

Peeking out slowly from the water, you almost sputter out in panicked surprise.

That man sits on the shoreline. He’s waiting.

He’s alone or seems alone, and even brought a full pack of items.

His lovely deep eyes continue scanning the waves.

Is he looking for you?

He has to be. But are his intentions pure is the true question.

Staring at him this long becomes your downfall. His rich soil eyes catch you. Immediately the man bolts up, and you drop just below the surface.

“I saw you!”

Just barely below the waves, you can hear his voice a bit waterlogged.

“Please. I promise I won’t hurt you.” He urges.

You don’t know if you can trust him.

But wanting to make sure, you pop your head up just a bit. His eyes are gems, precious dark gems shimmering bright and vibrant when he sees you. You ache to swim closer.

“You’re real.” He exhales out.

You simply stare at him.

“Can you understand me?” He asks a bit slowly.

Deciding to be braver, you rise up more from the water.

“Maybe.” You answer then watch as the man stumbles back stunned.

“You…you can talk.” He stammers.

You decide to be coy and simply shrug.

“What are you?” The man presses.

That’s the line. You’ve already done too much. You shouldn’t have come at all.

“Javi! Javier? Hey, primo, where d’ya go?” Someone calls and the surface dweller turns.

That’s his name.

Javier.

It’s perfect.

But someone else approaches, and it’s enough to terrify you. Sinking back into the water, you linger again just below.

You hear the man, Javier, cry out another loud “wait!”

More voices come and tease Javier.

“Mijo survived the sea and now can’t get enough of it.” Someone teases goodnaturedly.

Soon all the voices announce they’re heading back.

“Uh, give me a few. I’ll head back in a minute.” Javier replies.

The voices leave, but you still refuse to rise above.

“I hope you’re still here.” He says. Fear clutches at you wondering if you’re visible from the surface.

“Or fuck, maybe I just hope you are.” Javier sighs.

Then a moment passes.

“I just… just wanted to say thank you.” His voice even under the water is sincere, deeply earnest.

You’ve never once thought you would ever hear a human thank you and so sincerely. Before you can stop yourself, you rise up fast out of the water. But he’s gone.

The next morning you swim to that same spot.

Your throat feels tight when you already see him walking down the beach as well. And once you and him spot each other it feels like the world melts a bit.

This time you also swim and stay a little closer to the shore line.

“You came back.” Javier mutters in disbelief.

“So did you.” You reply back.

This is the most you’ve ever spoken with a land dweller.

“Thank you.” Javier breathes out. “For saving my life.”

You nod.

“Are you feeling better?” You ask, knowing humans have an unfortunate condition of experiencing a delayed drowning within their lungs.

“Oh yeah, I’m good.” Javier nods. “Apparently the medics and coast guards still can’t understand how I managed to make it out pretty good but…”

His eyes twinkle looking at you, and a prickly like sensation sparks across your skin

“I thought I was seeing shit when I saw you.” He mutters. “You looked like something out of a dream.”

The waves keep you afloat, but you feel weak.

You even softly smile back to him.

“It’s understandable. Most of your kind think we’re manatees afterall.” You tell him and Javi’s eyebrows shoot up.

“So you really are a mermaid?” Javier blurts out.

You never fully understood where that name came from. You simply shrug a bit playful and enjoy the amused snort of a sound Javier gives.

“Well, whatever you are, I owe you my fucking life.” He exhales, and again his words dig deep into the core of your being.

The tiniest smile tugs at your lips.

“So do you just hang around and what, save unfortunate guys like me that go overboard?” Javi asks moving to sit on the sand.

He wants to stay and talk with you. You swim just a bit closer.

You shake your head no, unfortunately telling him you often stay hidden.

“We’re not meant to communicate with others on land, much less be seen by them.” This is already one of the worst offenses.

But you’re too far gone, and you know that.

His beautiful face scrunches up. “So then why did you save me if you aren’t supposed to?”

You couldn’t reveal it’s because of how you were immediately drawn to him. Instead your heart speaks faster as you shrug.

“I can’t really tell you why, I just knew I had to. I could sense the storm coming and just…I happened to be at the right place at the right time I guess.”

You knew how foolish surface dwellers could be. Yet, there was something weathered but compassionate about Javier.

His face flickers while his mouth drops. You don’t know if you’ve said something wrong.

Then a bashful half grin tugs at Javier’s soft lips, and your heart feels light like the sunbeams on the waves.

“I’m Javier.” He blurts out, and you grin.

“Javi.” You repeat the nickname you heard used for him.

A surprised twinkle flashing in his eyes colors him youthful, and he smiles bright.

“Yeah,” He nods. “So what’s your name? Can I at least know that?”

This is a point of no return, and you’re already this far.

So among the warm waves, you give your name to him freely.

The way his face lights up hearing it is incredible. Then hearing him repeat your name back, breathing it from his lips, feels sacred.

Everyday after that you meet him at this same spot either early in the warm morning or in the soft evening breeze when he’s done with his day. You learn he’s staying here with his father for a month to visit family.

“My Tío,” he explains. “He’s been needing some help around his place. So my dad and I decided to just enjoy some time out here.”

It means your time with him is limited, precious, a pearl you just found from an oyster that you want to hoard now.

As curious as you are about him, it’s no surprise Javier is just as eager to ask questions.

“Do you have a uh…family I guess nearby?”

“No.” You answer him truthfully, wistfully. “I haven’t seen them in a while.”

It’s been many moon cycles since you left home.

“Wait, why?” Javier’s face frowns as the sea breeze tussles his hair. Your fingers ache to already brush it aside.

“They were going to force me to marry another of my kind, someone I didn’t care for. And I couldn’t handle it. So I left.” You simply tell him the truth.

You wanted a choice, that’s all. But your family refused to allow you that.

“Oh… I’m sorry.” His voice, gentle and kind, feels like a warm morning glow.

“Must be lonely out here.” He adds a bit sorrowful, almost aching.

Your eyes can’t handle how soft, how piercing his gaze bores into yours. So you glance to the ocean now. The sun reflects like glass onto the waves. When you first started visiting the surface, you reasoned it was to understand land dwellers more. However, in your heart you know it’s because of the loneliness.

Laughter, vibrant music, the smell of delicious food, the ache of belonging, it all swirls from the shoreline almost beckoning to you.

“Sometimes,” you finally answer Javier. “But it’s alright. The sea provides.”

The saying you were raised with still rings out true.

The sea brought you here and brought you to him.

And it’s something special.

During an early morning, Javier approaches the water this time. Normally he stays on the shoreline. You’ve been the one creeping closer and closer through the water towards him.

Now you’re stunned.

He’s bare chested and wears swimming shorts you’ve seen other surface dwellers wear among the waves. But it’s the amount of skin you’re seeing, the broadness of his shoulders and small pudge of his tummy, your mouth feels dry.

“Thought I’d maybe get in the water this time.” He says bashfully, but with confidence he walks into the waves.

He’s brave. You thought after falling into the sea, he would hesitate to return. Yet he moves with a confident grace.

“You’re brave.” You even tell him, not hiding your admiration.

He barks an amused laugh.

“Yeah well, seen worse things than the water.” Javier says a bit darkly.

That perks up your curiosity.

Soon enough Javier steps closer, until he abruptly freezes.

“Is this okay?” This considerate man, he’s asking if you’re alright with him getting closer.

You nod, instead find yourself swimming out a bit further, deeper, into the ocean.

And Javier follows.

Now to any bystander on the beach it’s like you’re another land dweller among the waves floating with him.

Yet the call of the sea, your nature and upbringing, slowly seeps in. You begin swimming around the man. It’s a trait to circle around something you desire and want to keep within your eye watch.

It’s a dance. While you move slowly swimming around him, his eyes never leave yours. That is until a wave jostles you both. It pushes you closer, almost colliding into Javier until his warm hands steady your shoulders. He’s touching you.

Among the splash of the water, being so close to him, your tail flutters accidentally brushing against him.

“So it was a tail.” He mutters like he’s trying to believe it.

While his eyes stare down at the water, yours stay focused on him.

Self conscious, worried and nervous, you try swinging your tail out of his sight.

“Es hermosa.” Javier adds.

You’ve picked up many dialects here among the coastline. He’s calling your tail, you, beautiful.

You can’t handle how badly your soul now seems to ache for this man and how your heart races wild. So with the waves settled you quickly move back to swimming around him.

Feeling giddy, you playfully move your hand against the water splashing him. Javier blinks of his trance, sputtering when the salty sea water hits him.

“That’s not nice.” He scoffs then moves to splash you back stronger.

It becomes a childish competition of splashing each other until seaweed unknowingly curls around Javier making him react in horror and you laugh. In playful retribution, he throws the seaweed at you.

“Be careful, I’ll send dolphins after you.” You tease, and his eyes go wide.

“Can you talk to sea creatures?!” He asks excitedly.

You laugh even harder, shaking your head no. Javier narrows his eyes, slightly suspicious. Playfully he splashes you again. Laughter escapes you buoyant.

“Javi!” Until someone yells out from the shoreline, and your heart drops.

Snapping your eyes to the shore, there’s a few men waiting, staring out.

Panic swarms in you. Your body jolts to move, until Javier’s arm gently moves to hold you steady.

“Don’t leave. It’ll make it more obvious.” Javi whispers under his breath. “Just relax, stay calm.”

“What’s a pretty thing like her doing with a pendejo like you?!” One of the young guys yells out with a joking laugh.

Your heart races petrified. The waves keep you concealed, but having this much attention and being raw in the open feels too much.

“Fuck off Richie.” Javi scoffs back in a yell.

“Dumbass fucking friend of my cousin.” He explains to you with a gruff mutter.

Yet his hand gently drags down your arm to go to yours. His hand, so much bigger and warmer, squeezes yours.

“It’ll be okay. Don’t worry I’ll keep you safe.”

His words warm, soft and gentle on the breeze, get tangled in your heart. With a final squeeze to your hand, he swims back towards the land. When Javier reaches the shore and gives you a casual wave, you weakly smile back.

As they leave, you don’t miss the way one of the men, Richie, if you remember right, turns to glance at you over his shoulder. His eyes terrify you with how piercing they stay on you.

But the minute Javi and those men fade off the shoreline, you fade into the waves.

-

Having the other land dwellers see you is a grim reminder of how reckless you’re being.

But you don’t want to stop.

If anything, it makes you simply want to draw Javi to you even more. The humans painted your kind as temptresses who lure people to the sea and to their death. You understand now why. There’s an unexplainable urge burning in you to draw Javier further towards you, like the pull of the tides to the shoreline.

So the next time you see him, you tell him to bring his swimwear and to save the day to be out at sea.

One of his eyebrows lifts a bit curiously. “And you’re not telling me where we’re going?”

You simply smile, toothy and wide.

The sun is kind today and with no harsh wind it’s a peaceful day among the waves. Javi, with his glorious warm sun kissed bare chest slips into the water with you and hisses.

“S’fucking cold.” He sneers, and his face crumples into a grumpy handsome pout.

“Feels fine to me.” You joke. Javi gives you a dry look that makes you grin.

The spot you take him to is further down the coastline, across the beach wall, and you’re thankful it’s not too far. It’s also a bit more secluded against the higher rocks that act like a slight barrier. The water gets shallow towards the edge of the rocks blending in towards the tide pools. It’s a comfort getting to stay in the water, yet the low tide allows Javier time to fully walk comfortably.

“Woah!” He gasps bright when his eyes fall to the tide pools.

“Holy fucking shit.” He whispers.

You simply watch him hypnotized. He points out the different creatures he spots, the way the water changes among the rocks coloring, its beautiful.

“I didn't even know this shit was here.” He mutters.

Not many do.

“That’s not all why we’re here.” You tell him warmly.

With a nudge out to the open waves, Javier and you turn just in time to see it.

A sweet dolphin, porpoises as the locals love to call them, jumps out among the waves.

Javier’s surprised gasp is beautiful.

“They always love to swim here, a lot less people.” You explain.

Now you move to slip under the water. It’s been a while since you’ve used your voice to click and make the chirps to call, but you’re thankful the dolphins hear you.

You beckon Javier to join you deeper in the water and he eagerly does. The pod swims up eagerly. Even a few jump to pop their heads up.

“You said you couldn’t speak to sea creatures!” He exclaims, and you laugh.

“I can’t! Think of it as making a noise to call for a land animal. That’s all I did.” You explain.

His gorgeous face scrunches up grumpy, almost unsatisfied, with your answer. Snickering you return your focus back to the sweet creatures swimming around.

A few of the dolphins are more playfully curious than the others and readily take in the attention you and Javi give to them. One even particularly gets jealous when Javi moves to pet another and she squeaks out in protest even pushing up against him.

His laugh is pure magic. His eyes crinkle beautifully, and you think you’re seeing one of the world’s hidden treasures.

Eventually the dolphins take their leave. Javier makes his way to a safer spot along the shoreline and after checking the area, seeing it’s still pretty vacant, you allow the waves to wash you up to the beach.

Alongside him, you lounge on the shore.

It’s the closest you’ve been to him, the most you’ve ever been on the beach itself.

Your entire scaled lower body is practically out in the open for anyone passing by to see, but you want to be this close to him. You don’t want the water to keep you seperated.

“Are there…others of your kind around here?” He asks low.

You shake your head. “Not recently. I’ve found an older abandoned cave of someone that maybe possibly lived here, but no one has emerged.”

He hums in acknowledgment.

“Do you miss them? Your family?” Javi questions quietly.

Sometimes you do miss them, and you truthfully tell him that. But you don’t want to return to your family or your people. Now he again asks about your world, about your family. So you tell him of deep glimmering underwater caverns all across the sea that house your kind. He listens with complete rapture.

“You know,” you add a bit amused. “You’ve handled learning about me and all of this really well.”

Javi snorts.

“Well…my family told me to be respectful of things we don’t understand. There might be some shit out in this world we can’t explain, and that’s okay. We don’t need to argue with it. Instead just maybe gotta learn from it.”

You can sense that in him. He never once seemed afraid of you, instead approached all his questions and curiosity with genuine understanding.

“Besides, I’ve seen crazier shit so this doesn’t really surprise me.” Javier adds with a dry but hollow snort.

That reminds you of what he said before. So you mention it gently.

“You said there are worse things on land than the water, what are they?”

Javier turns to you. His eyes dance in the brilliant sun and they look like brighten earthen soil gems. Yet there’s a wary and weary heaviness in them.

He explains about his old occupation on the surface world, about how he chased after bad men in Columbia. You nod, explaining you’ve heard of that country because of the ports.

“You know where Columbia is?” His eyes go wide.

You teasingly roll your eyes at his surprise. “I do know enough about our worlds Javier.”

He shakes his head. “You continue to surprise me, mi sirena.”

The term, sweetly affectionate, causes something in your gut to flutter.

However, all of that gets quietly put aside as Javier continues his quiet explanation of the shadows and darkness he saw.

You stay silent, letting him explain it all - the horrors of watching men fight over power and money, the corruption, the lives lost, the weight of it all showing him a grim reality that sometimes rears its evil head within humanity. Your eyes even fight back tears.

He’s seen so much, been through so much, and it all hangs on his shoulders.

Without hesitation your hand moves to rest against his. The urge to comfort him is so powerful, and you don’t want to fight it. His eyes now flutter down to your hand where his fingers gingerly begin stroking against your skin.

“Are you ever going back?” You ask softly, worried about him returning to that darkness.

“No. Never going back or doing that type of work again.” He shakes his head.

“Good.” You reply relived.

Javier smiles charmingly bashful, and it’s adorable.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you.” He quickly recovers diverting your attention to something new. Delicately his hand reaches out to your chest and you freeze.

His hands delicately graze against your necklace.

“You wear this all the time. Is it something special?” Always so curious, your land dweller.

“Looks like one of your scales, same color and everything.” He adds.

That’s because it is, and you tell him that.

On the day you became of age, you shed one of the scales on your tail and have it blessed by the sea and moon. The legend has it that the scale is promised to hold one wish. But that was a tale told to you as a child. You simply now understand it’s a mark of passing into maturity. It’s been a constant companion for years ever since.

Javi’s eyebrows raise up in surprise.

“Do you think that legend is true?”

You shrug. “I’ve never known it to be. Always thought it was just fantasy.”

Javier snorts.

“You don’t believe in fantasy?” He questions incredulously.

Playfully you shove his shoulder, and he snickers.

Now a silence settles. The crashing waves become the only noise floating between you and him. Neither his hand or yours leaves the other.

“You said… your family wanted you to be with someone of your kind that you didn’t like…” he now begins cautiously breaking the silence.

“So did that mean there was someone else you cared for?” Javi suggests.

You snort a bit playful, yet answer a quiet no.

“There was a land dweller I had been curious about, but it was just a simple passing fling.” You admit.

“Oh.” Javier answers, but his voice deflates enough you even catch it.

He’s annoyed with that answer.

You’ve been infatuated with other land dwellers before, but it was like seeing the stars above. You admired their beauty from afar and that’s all.

Javier feels like a precious gem discovered from a sunken ship, a treasure you want to keep forever and cherish. He feels rare, so good and in your grasp almost too precious to hoard. Or maybe you just aren’t worthy of him.

You move to hold his hand better.

So you tell him. You’ve never let anyone get this close, never even once spoken to another human.

Yet here you are.

“There’s no one like you. I don't think there will be anyone else like you.” You admit before you can stop the words.

But they are true. No one will ever be like Javier, a man so worn by the world yet still so kind.

His eyes again flicker to yours, and you’re trapped in his gaze. A shift sparks in the air like the way it does before a storm approaches. It tingles against your skin, and something aches in your chest.

His eyes flicker to your lips. Your body shifts closer to him caught in his warmth.

A loud blare of a boat horn comes. Pure fear crashes into you.

Without hesitation Javi practically drapes himself over you. His arms draw around your head like a shield trying to cover most of your body up with his.

His eyes and yours stare to the side worried at what approaches. But thankfully the boat now sounds like it’s reaching shore further away.

The scare felt too real. Worry rages in you wildly. Yet, it’s quickly drowned out by Javier.

He’s close. Javi’s chest is against your side, against your tail. His arms are on either side of your head and he radiates warmth, such a warmth you never knew others could hold. Maybe it’s because he’s a landweller, or you think maybe it’s just because it’s him.

This position is precious even for you. You’ve spotted humans mating on the beach before. You can even admit how curious it’s made you.

Now a raw heat burns through you. Javier sighs, then glances down at you beneath him.

The shadows dance on his face so wonderfully, highlighting his striking nose. You wonder how terribly it would be to slither your arms around him and pull him down to you. Your mouth even waters seeing the sweat on his skin, and you imagine how it must taste mixing with the salt of the water, your home.

It’s simply just you staring up at him, him staring down at you and sound of the waves.

“We…we should head back.” He says clearing his throat.

The entire swim back to the main shoreline is silent, feels like a weight hangs among you and him even when you tell him goodbye.

Later among the solitude of the night and waves, you dream of Javier. But something dangerous sneaks into your fantasies. You fantasize being entangled with him as a human, two legs wrapping around him, getting to know his body against your own. It’s fierce, knocks the wind out of you, but also unleashes a sorrowful ache into you.

You wonder what it would be like as a land dweller because a more clouded doubtful piece of you can’t imagine Javier desiring you now.

Even with the admiration you’ve heard from him, you imagine that a man’s handsome as Javier wouldn’t desire someone like you.

A splash of water hits your face, and the saltwater you notice mixes well with your silent tears.

-

The next morning when you arrive at your usual spot to meet Javier, a soft pink conch sits on the shoreline and your blood runs cold.

For your people, a conch shell is a way to communicate. They’re used to convey many different messages from marking territories to a warning.

You reassure yourself it simply washed up on the beach as all seashells do. But the way it sits precariously placed scares you overriding any of the anxious energy you had about seeing Javier again.

“Did you…leave this here?” You even ask him about the conch when he arrives.

“Uh, no. But it’s pretty.” He says lifting up the shell to examine it. “Funny enough my Tía collects shells like these so much that my uncle even jokes they could open up a store.”

You weakly smile trying to be amused, but the dread hangs in your stomach.

When Javier leaves, you try gathering your thoughts.

“I take it you saw my message.” The new voice is warm.

Walking down from the other side of the pier, an older woman emerges. Her eyes, wrinkled by the corners, watching you seem kind and streams of gray color her dark hair.

You want to bolt back into the water out of fear, but you’re confused and want to understand more.

“I can see your hesitation, young one.” She says. “My name is Gloria and I’ve been watching you for sometime now.”

Now you’re panicking.

This must be your punishment for growing too close to Javier.

Before you can react the woman reaches at her dress collar and pulls something out.

A necklace with a scale attached to it. Except this scale doesn’t shine with color but instead appears cold, lifeless.

The wind is knocked out of you.

“So you understand now.” Gloria smiles, however there’s a cloudy hesitation forming in her eyes.

This is your warning brought to life. She is the real woman who left the sea, went to land -

And she is alive.

There's so much you want to ask her. Everything feels so overwhelming.

“We don’t have much time to chat.” She gently tells you. “I promise I’ll answer all your questions soon, but you must know…”

A dark gloomy frown falls over her lovely aged face.

“Someone is looking for you.”

You’re a bit confused by her words.

“And I don’t mean your land dweller.” She adds and dread claws into you monstrous.

Someone else. Someone else saw you.

“Javier wouldn’t tell anyone about me.” You fire back, fierce and hurt.

“You need to lie low, stay hidden.” Gloria orders somber and serious. “Maybe even find another place to nest for some time.”

Fear grapples with something fanged inside your heart. You don’t want to leave Javier. You don’t even want to hide from him here, much less leave him.

Gloria must see the conflict on your face, and she sighs. A grandmotherly sadness washes over her.

“I’m sorry, young one.”

You swallow back the tears.

No, this is the truth. Javier was always going to leave back to his hometown eventually. Your time with him was limited, not guaranteed. This is just a reminder of that.

You shove away the tears stinging your eyes and thank Gloria for alerting you.

She grins sad but soft. “I wish you well. Please be safe.”

“Wait.” You call out to her. Even though you still have so many questions, want to ask her so many things, there is only one thing you need to ask before she leaves.

Gloria turns back with a patient look.

“Can you fall in love with a human this quickly?” You try keeping your voice level, but it breaks under the weight of your emotions.

Gloria frowns, heartbroken. Her eyes swim with an ancient understanding crystalline with sadness.

“I fell in love the instant I saw my husband,” she smiles beautifully among the ache. “He rescued me from a fisherman’s net, and I never looked back. I trusted the water and it provided.”

The familiar saying of your kind.

Your blink away tears.

“Then how can I leave him?” You croak back to Gloria.

“You need to so you can keep him and yourself safe,” she answers with the patience of a mother.

A quick desperate thought flashes in your mind. Your hand flies up to clutch the shell hanging from your necklace.

If the children’s stories were true, if you actually had one wish -

Gloria’s eyes go wide, and she inhales fast.

“You make that choice, you can never go back.” She declares sharply.

“Wait, what?” You ask a bit confused.

“You may get your wish, but it will come at a cost.” Gloria tells you dark and somber.

Dread consumes you. So her shell’s discoloration was because she used her wish.

“What’s the cost?” You sob.

“Whatever the sea wishes to take.” Gloria’s answer feels final, a raw cut through your inner most soul.

With one final sad nod, she wishes you well and leaves you alone under the shadow of the pier with your unbearable heartbreak.

“Hey, you alright?” The next morning Javier notices your demeanor.

“Yes, just a bit tired.” You smile false and small.

You don’t know how you’re going to break this to him. You wonder if you simply should just stop showing up, break it off quick and painful but fast. But even then you can’t face that possibility.

“So tonight,” Javi says, trying to brighten the mood. “We’re having this nice dinner at that restaurant further down right on the water.”

“That’s lovely.” You tell him truthfully with a warm soft grin.

His eyes soften, but you avert your gaze, unable to handle the truth barbed in your heart. Then gentle fingers suddenly trace against your face, almost too afraid to fully touch you.

Your look to find Javier’s eyes hazed over staring down at you.

“It’ll be nice to know you might be out there in the waves, mi sirena.” He mutters.

The danger is imminent. You need to leave or simply tell him what’s been going on. But that fear is overshadowed by the unbearable adoration for Javier.

You rationalize that this will be your final glimpse at Javi before you tell him the truth.

So when the night falls you swim low and quietly to the restaurant.

The lights and warmth, the upbeat musical, all radiate from the dock the restaurant sits at the edge of. You’re able to swim around the outdoor area with enough cover.

Gently peeking up from the waves you find the view is clear. A few people sit and stand outside around the edge of the railing thankfully not even glancing out to the ocean.

That’s when you spot him.

Your eyes go wide.

Dressed in a simple white button up, with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, Javier is otherworldly.

He’s too handsome for his own good, the surface world’s handcrafted temptation for you. All you can do is sink more into the water hoping the cooling waves bring you back to reality.

He leans on the rail facing the open sea. Those dark eyes of his flicker out and now you realize, he might be searching for you.

Your body moves on its own. Tail swishing, you swim closer to his line of sight gravitating towards him.

But then a shadow of someone approaching comes and you stop. One of the men you remember vaguely appears besides Javier.

“Whatcha looking for, vato?” The young man jokes nudging Javi, but your eyes narrow seeing how annoyed Javier looks.

“Can’t I just enjoy the water, Richie?” Javi jokes.

The man, Richie, is the one you remember staring at you so intently.

“You lookin’ for your sea goddess?” He says loud, mocking.

Javier reacts fast. He snaps turns towards Richie with the quickest speed, and a hard glare transforms his face.

“Why you acting up like that, viejo?” Richie grins antagonist.

“Don’t know what you’re fucking talking about, Ricardo.” Javier snaps low and serious.

“You know exactly what I mean.” Richie growls. “And you and your cousin and Tía y Tío might all think I’m crazy, but I know what I fucking saw that night you went overboard. I saw that fucking creature that saved you.”

Fear bubbles up dizzying.

Richie is the one searching for you.

You can’t move. It’s too much.

Until Javi jolts into action. He grabs Richie by the collar and a deadly darkness falls over his face.

“Enough.” Suddenly Javier’s voice drops.

Then he quickly speaks to Richie so low that even swimming just a bit closer you can’t pick up what Javi says. But it’s spoken deadly enough that when he shoves Richie away, the younger man glares at Javier silently. Then he simply walks away.

Javi defended you. He’s kept you, your secret, safe.

You can’t describe the emotion that cracks your heart open wide. From the waves you stare at him unable to look away as he sighs pinching the bridge of his lovely nose.

You ache to soothe him.

But, someone else seems to as well.

“You look like you could use some company.” A woman, gorgeous and giving Javi a soft smile, moves towards his side.

All that tender adoration dwelling in your heart turns sour when Javier turns to converse with her. He smiles politely and kind.

They lean against the wooden railing, eyes focused on each other and Javi says something to make the mystery woman laugh. His eyes crinkle, the same way they do when he smiles at something you say. Javier gives her his full attention and jealousy strikes its fangs venomous.

But the truth is worse. This is another reminder Javier was never maybe meant to ever be yours.

You jump back into the sea, unfortunately making a splash announcing your departure. But a part of you wants him to hear and know you’re leaving.

Out of habit you arrive at your secluded spot under the pier by the shoreline. Your eyes sting as you squeeze them shut refusing to let yourself cry over this. At least this will help make it easier when you bid him farewell tomorrow. You sit for a moment gathering yourself.

Footsteps rush on the sand, and you panic.

Immediately Javier jogs in from the side, out of breath and already sweaty. He must have ran all the way over here.

“Mi sirena,” he exhales heavy.

You swallow hard.

“I…I didn’t know if you saw…” Javi begins curiously.

You don’t know how to reply, dont even know if you should.

“I…” his voice starts but gets stalled as if he doesn’t know what to say either.

“It’s alright.” You reassure him, graciously thanking him for keeping your secret.

“You should get back to your companion. She’s lovely.” You tell him surprisingly composed.

“You seem upset.” He argues.

You reassure him you’re not.

“No, you’re upset. What’s wrong?” This man, annoyingly stubborn, presses.

You snap back that it's none of his concern.

“Tell me.” His voice takes a sharper turn.

“It’s nothing! Go back to your party, human!” You snap, and the word leaves your mouth sharp.

You’ve never once called him that.

His eyes go wide a bit, like he’s even a bit taken back at what you said. You blink away the tears stunned at your own emotional outburst.

“I’m sorry.” You quickly apologize, already furiously wiping away the tears.

He says your name soft. “You’re crying.”

His footsteps come closer and you snap your face away trying to shove more and more tears.

“What’s wrong?” Javier crouches down to sit besides you on the sand.

“I’m just upset about what I said, that’s all.” You half lie through a broken voice.

“Why won’t you just tell me the truth?” He urges concerned.

Because, you want to tell him, it’s too much to hold.

You feel like you might break.

Suddenly his warm hand gently slides across your cheek. Slowly he tilts your face towards him, and your mind stalls feeling his fingers against you.

In the night air, under the dim shadow of the pier, his eyes seem like the endless sky.

“Dígame, mi sirena.” Talk to me, he says soft and tender.

Your words fail. Instead you feel greedy, desperate. Your hand moves to clutch his hand and lean into his palm while your eyes shut.

The tears come again.

The air feels cold against your skin.

“I don’t want to let you go.” You admit, finally freeing that truth.

“I’m not going anywhere, honey.” Javier softly replies firmly.

That term, you’ve heard it used by other surface dwellers, and you want to sink your teeth into it.

Wearily your eyes open to stare at him once more. Now his eyes seem hazed over and his lips parted open. His lips look so soft while his eyes swim cautiously. You’re worried any moment now he might turn into seafoam before your eyes.

In a blink, Javi surges towards you. Like a fast rip of a wave crashing into you, his lips press to yours.

You’ve never kissed a land dweller. You’ve imagined it a few times, especially now more with Javi in mind. But none of those fantasies do this justice.

He’s so warm, intoxicating like the most dangerous ambrosia. You whimper when his body slides you closer to him. Your hands claw at him more.

You need him closer, want him intertwined with you

Eventually you lean back, until your body rests against the sand, and Javier kisses at you from above. His tongue seeks and licks into you with a melting consuming heat. You moan into his mouth feeling dizzy at how delicious he tastes.

He breaks away first needing air but kisses your jaw, nipping at your skin.

“Wait.” Javi exhales and slowly draws back. Even among the brewing heat, the passion burning through your veins, his eyes are hesitant.

“You okay with this, mi sirena?” He asks, gentle and steady.

This unreal wonderful man. Your hand cups his cheek now letting your thumb stroke against his warm skin.

“It’s you. It’s only ever going to be you.” You whisper.

His eyes widen, letting your words sink in and then he turns to kiss the palm of your hand.

“Are you okay with this?” You now turn the question delicately back to him.

He nods quietly, slowly. Then you watch the way his eyes darken, like storm clouds that create a wonderful whirlwind sweeping you up.

“Then take me.” You mutter drawing him closer to you.

There had been someone, an elder in your kind, who once engaged in passionate matings multiple times with a sailor. She was shunned from your colony for her transgression, but the stories she told became forbidden whispers told among everyone. She swore the mating with her sailor was nothing she ever felt before, how that type of passion was indescribable.

And she was right.

Javier’s body heat burns through you. His tongue and teeth clash, devouring you. His body temperature compared to yours runs warmer, and it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced. It’s hot, messy and soaks you euphoric. You’re consumed, utterly drunk on this as you beg for him to give you more, give you all of him.

And when he enters you, it’s unlike anything you’ve ever felt. He’s perfect, stretches you incredibly deep and heats you from the inside you never knew was possible. You wonder if this is what the creation felt like, this clash of heat and passion crashing, forming new caverns in your soul.

He kisses every inch of skin he can reach, and you clutch onto him like he’s your lifeline.

Listening to the grunts of Javier’s voice, feeling his body mold into yours, even tasting the salt of his skin, melts you.

You’ve never felt more cherished than when his hands traced over your skin, never felt more ecstasy than when his passion clashes with yours.

There under the shadow of the pier, with the waves crashing onto the shore, you meet orgasmic bliss in his arms.

Eventually, in the afterglow, in the late quiet of the night, his fingers trace across your tail.

“You’re amazing.” He mutters out.

Your fingers trace against his bare forearms.

“I could say the same about you.” You tell him truthfully. All the stories he told you about his time in Columbia, the way he loves his family so fiercely, he’s a rare soul you want to keep forever.

He barks a laugh, hollow and small. “Not compared to you, mi sirena.”

Emotions clog your throat.

“That man…Richie-”

“He won’t find you.” He quickly replies cutting you off sharp and simple, like he won’t even acknowledge the idea.

“But you’re in danger too, Javier.” You urge.

“He’s just a punk ass kid, my baby primo’s best friend. He won’t do shit.” Javi reassures.

Gloria’s warning resurfaces in your thoughts, and you swallow hard. Fear and doubt cloud your thoughts.

“Is this your way of repaying a debt to me?” Before you realize it, the words leave your mouth.

“Wait, what?” He questions.

You sigh, watching the dark waves out at sea.

You’ve always wondered why Javier was so adamant in visiting you, why he’s become so protective.

“I’ve wondered…” your voice trails off distant and small. You tell him the deep worry that’s been brewing.

You’ve wondered if he’s simply here with you, doing all of this, as some means to repay you back from saving his life. That his interest is simply born from a sense of obligation.

Javier says your name, firm and solid.

With a hard frown on his lovely face, he shakes his head.

“At first I just wanted to thank you. But now…now I can’t fucking stop thinking about you. Don’t even wanna think about leaving you.” Javi admits quietly.

Your heart becomes crystalized, heavy and heated from his words.

His gaze returns to your tail, and fingers again reverently stroking against your skin.

“I’ve seen so much shit, been god damn burnt out. Then you reminded me of how fucking beautiful this world is.” Javier adds.

Stories told about the surface dwellers painted them as ruthless, cold, and selfish. But Javier isn’t like that at all. He’s incredibly curious, kind, protective, a bit grumpy at times. And he’s beautiful.

He’s the one who showed you the true beauty of the land above.

You slowly sit up, possessed by a deep emotion surging through you. When you rise, you lean to kiss Javier again. Your land dweller welcomes you with a warm embrace.

-

A net falling over your face wakes you in a panic.

Your body thrashes up only to find netting all around you. Fear drums loud in your ears.

Being worn out from the night’s escapades with him, you must have fallen asleep on the beach after Javier left.

A loud excited cackle cracks into the air.

“See! I fucking told you that bitch was a mermaid!”

Richie’s voice rings out terrifyingly loud. When your eyes snap up, the young man’s shadow falls above you and he smiles sinisterly. The sun isn’t even fully up, yet you see his face clear as day.

“Man, what the fuck?” Someone sputters, and your eyes flicker to the other individual here. You take it this other young man worried and a bit wide eyed must be Javi’s cousin.

“See! I knew your fucking primo was keeping this thing hidden, Leo!” Richie cries.

The net is grand, doesn’t seem to end as you try scanning around trying to find the edge of it. Your next plan of action will be to scratch your way out of it. You rarely use your claws, but this is dire.

Richie and Javier’s family member continue their frantic discussion in the early morning air.

“What’dya plan to do with her huh?!”

“Imagine the fucking money we’d get!” Richie answers proud.

The two bricker now and you can’t even pay attention to them. Fear poisons you fast, and you’re getting frantic. It’s now or never.

Once you feel your nails grow into claws deadly and sharp, you start tearing your way through the net mesh.

A strange clicking sound comes, and a loud gasp follows.

“Richie, what the fuck?!” Javier’s cousin, Leo, sounds petrified.

You still, turning your gaze to the source of the sound and find something pointed at you from above.

You’ve never seen one up close, but you’ve heard of these weapons, know of them and their instant death -

A gun.

“You brought your dad’s fuckin’ gun?!” Leo shouts.

“Didn’t know what we’d expect.” Richie sneers, but keeps his gaze on you.

“You try escaping and I’ll blow your fucking head off.” He tells you, and terror sickens your stomach.

You can’t even jump in the water. The net is so large and you’re so tangled in it.

“What the fuck is going on?” Javi. His voice comes in a breeze of salvation.

Your land dweller emerges from the side of the pier, and his face falls at the sight.

Hope tumbles in dizzying fast but collides with fright. Especially when Richie jumps at Javi’s entrance and swings to point the gun at him.

Leo yells loud in protest while Javi holds his hands up defensive but stays composed.

“I knew you were keeping this freak all to yourself. What? Didn’t want me finding it?” Richie spits.

Javi’s eyes flicker to yours for a split second. You lock onto his dark gaze and swear you can hear what he’s trying to silently communicate.

“What do you plan to do, huh?” Javier turns his attention back to Richie. “Manage to get her onto land and then what? What do you plan to do after that?” Javi’s voice is steady, an unwavering lighthouse among the storm.

He’s diverting attention onto him. Especially with how furiously Richie begins yelling at him not even noticing you.

“Man Richie, just put the gun down.” Leo urges.

You scramble back to the net, freshly grown claws at the ready and try cutting through the thick mesh. You need to focus, but your hands keep slipping out of terror especially hearing how loud they all scream now.

Continuing to cut, focusing with all your might, thankfully you start slicing through the threads.

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!” Richie yells.

Then instantly a loud bang comes.

A scream escapes you with how loud the sound comes. Then a sharp pain jolts through you like getting stung by a stingray, but intensified. Your tail feels like it’s on fire and you cry out.

You snap your eyes down. Whatever the gun fired off just grazed you, but blood begins spilling crimson over your scales and into the water.

Then commotion erupts. It’s a scuffle and soon enough Javi moves to tackle Richie.

But another loud loud bang rings out.

It happens fast. In a blink Javi rushes against Richie. Then the next he’s crumbling down onto the sand. Blood spreads soaking into Javi’s shirt and another scream rips out of you.

Something raw and monstrous, like a red haze, clouds you. You fully rip through the net and out of meshing. The most inhuman scream comes. You don’t realize it’s you screaming until your claws swipe at Richie’s legs with vicious intent.

You slice and slice not even caring blood leaks onto your hands, or that Richie cries out horrified falling onto the sand. Leo sees the opportunity, jumps in and tackles him fully, knocking the gun away.

Your hands shake, but you scramble around looking for Javi.

Your land dweller manages to drag himself closer to you, but the bleeding is getting worse. Color drains from his beautiful face. You don’t even care how much your tail stings. You pull yourself onto the sand towards Javier until you move to draw him into your arms.

The tears fall fast and uncontrollable.

“No tears, mi sirena.” He wheezes with a soft sight. “It’s alright.”

You cradle him in your arms, burrowing your head into his hair as you cry.

You have to save him.

Then it hits you. You have one last thing, one last hope.

You shift with shakily hands and rip your necklace off.

He mumbles your name while you shift him in your arms. Javi must spot the necklace because he again says your name curiously.

“Wait… What are you doing?” He presses harder but his voice grows hoarse.

Please, you whisper in your heart as the tears roll down your face, please save him, take whatever you need.

You place the necklace against his wound. Javi’s voice calling to you comes quickly, but then - your world goes dark.

-

Waking up, an unfamiliar sensation surrounds you. You’re warm, bundled in something soft and unfamiliar.

Snapping your eyes open you discover you’re in a new place. It’s a space inside a cozy land dweller home. The walls are a soft sunset color and so many sells decorate the area. A mess of emotions overwhelms you and you scramble to move.

That’s when someone rushes to your side.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Javi.

He kneels down beside you and your eyes cloud with tears fast.

“You’re alright.” You sob out.

Javier’s earth eyes glisten watery and he nods, grabbing your hand to kiss your palm.

It worked. The wish worked.

You now wonder what the ocean took, what price did you pay. Until you notice…your lower body doesn’t feel the same. The sensation where your tail should be feels different. Legs, surface dweller legs, shift under the covers.

You sharply inhale as the thought hits you.

Tail no more, you’re human.

“Honey.” Javi begins cautiously. “I’m sorry. It happened right after you saved me and-”

You jump to embrace him, truly hold him. You reassure him there’s nothing to be sorry for.

He pulls you into his arms and squeezes you tight while kissing the side of your head fiercely. You don’t know how long you stay holding him, but eventually you ask about what happened.

Javi and his cousin, Leo, managed to subdue Richie as more people heard the ruckus in the early morning. They kept him controlled until law enforcement showed up. After that, you were taken to Javier’s family residence where you’re been resting ever since.

“Is he going to come back?” You ask a bit worriedly, clutching his hand. Javi’s free warm hand moves to stroke your face.

“No mi sirena, he won’t hurt us again.” He promises true and unwavering.

“Is she up?” A new excited voice comes in, interrupting your moment with Javier.

“Pop.” Javi sighs exasperated, almost embarrassed, but the door opens quickly.

The man in a cream colored hat comes in and you recognize him as Javi’s father. His eyes, gentle and warm, crinkle as they take you in.

“What?” He jokes to his son. “You won’t let me see the ángel who saved my son twice?”

His name is Chucho and he’s a dazzling ray of sincerity. Pure sunshine, he hugs you tight, thanking you in a watery voice.

Realizing what he said, something in you pauses worried for a moment. Javier must have told him who you are, or who you were now.

“Don’t worry,” Chucho reassures you with the same steadfast tenderness his son holds. “Your secret is safe with us. Afterall, you won’t be the only one in the family now.”

He winks at you, however a bit of confusion bubbles up.

“Aye Chucho, let her be.” The familiar voice startles you.

Gloria with her lovely aged face wanders in and a handsome older man follows right behind her. He must be the husband she spoke of. His resemblance to Chucho sits in the familiar grin. Gloria’s smile is soft, faintly sad, but understanding.

“Didn’t think I’d see you again this way, young one.” She nods.

“Found out you and my Tía Gloria met,” Javi mutters amused and your mind trips over itself.

The woman who traded her life in the sea for the land…

She’s Javier’s aunt.

For some reason that comforts you, and you laugh watery while she moves to embrace you as well.

Eventually you get to rest more among the soft covers and in Javier’s arms.

“A bit late to ask but,” Javi begins with a dry snort. “You regret it?”

You shake your head no, telling him you never will. It’s a choice you would make in every lifetime. He pulls you closer into his arms kissing the top of your head.

Eventually he slowly falls asleep, and you’re lulled into a peaceful serenity.

Where you rest gives you a clear open view of the sea just beyond your reach. Javi’s soft snorts mix with the soft breeze of the waves crashing faintly outside.

Your people were right. The water does provide. Because as Javier shifts in his sleep, almost nuzzling into you more, you realize the sea brought you to a treasure you can’t find among the waves.

The sunlight dancing on the ocean waves feels like both a twinkling goodbye and a wave hello to this new world of yours.

[leighcest]

Me, You, & Coffee- That's all I need!

—

1.2k words

claire redfield x fem!reader

tropes: f/f , hurt / comfort , wlw , claire probably has depression or atleast anxiety , angst , fluff , fall fic , love , happy ending , suggested smut

note: hehe my first fic!!! so scary.... rb/likes are appriciated!!! huge thanks to @/vaaaaaiolet for proof reading this!

tags: @rigorwhoring @vaaaaaiolet @angelstargel

The cold air nips at your cheeks, giving them a red hue. Leaves blow around your feet, and the shout of the coffee shop bell rings as you leave. Your chai latte sits in your mouth as you treasure the flavor, deep in thought. Claire hasn’t joined you today or any time since you last got home. You can’t blame her. 

After her mission a few weeks prior, she hasn’t been acting like herself.

You had come home to your girlfriend with a broken arm, not a scene you expected to return to. She had calmed your concerns yet never stopped working, only making an exception for sleep. 

Now, as you gently knock on her office door, Claire mumbles a soft invitation. Her hair, the same color as her bloodshot eyes, was messy. She had been wearing the same red tank top for a week now. Her eyes never diverted from the screen or her bulletin board. You weren’t even sure she knew you were here. Should you call out her name again? 

“I, uh, got your coffee for you, Babe.” You place a gentle hand on her back and kiss her head.

Your heart aches for her. Almost all her hair had fallen out of her ponytail. As you set down her coffee, she smiles and grabs your hand before pressing a soft kiss into the back. You smile at the tenderness before realizing she is continuing to do her dead, thousand-yard stare. As your smile faltered, you noticed small things that had changed in her appearance recently. Her freckled skin had gotten more pale, and her makeup looked old. These small details pushed you over the edge.

“Claire, are you okay?” You crouch to her side. She nods, humming quickly. “You… you look pretty zoned out.” 

Claire keeps her distant look, the one you’ve become oh-so-accustomed to when she comes home from a grueling mission. Claire begins to divert her eyes from looking at the floor. When did she start looking there?

“Claire? Baby?”

She blinks. How long was she zoned out for? Claire pushes her hair back and wipes her palms on her black jeans, the soft denim brushing against her pale skin. 

“Yes, sorry.” She blinks to register what happened in the minute she was zoned out, meeting your concerned look. “Sorry. One more time?” She quickly glances at her work before giving you her undivided attention, clearing her voice.

“I was just saying I got coffee for you,” you repeat with a nervous smile and tensed brows. The small sympathetic act was enough to bloom a smile on Claire’s face.

“Oh. Thanks, sweetheart.” She replies, a faint smile on her face. 

You nod. You can tell that Claire noticed your concerned expression because she furrows her brows and fights off a scoff. 

“You don’t have to be worried about me or anything like that,” she snaps. 

“I’m just…” The words die in your throat. 

The redhead knows her outburst was unneeded, a small guilty expression forming on her face. Lingering eyes make Claire have a migraine. 

A sigh claws its way through your throat. “I’m gonna make lunch,” you manage to shove out, “If you want some.”

Claire nods awkwardly. “Okay.” She looks at you until you look away, then disappears into her work again.

Wobbling into your humble abode, expecting to see Claire waiting for you, you moaned in pain. The lack of your girlfriend proved you incorrect. You knew she had returned from her mission, but maybe she hadn’t? Fear flooded your body as you heard a noise from Claire’s study. 

You pulled out your gun, opening the door to see your beloved girlfriend attempting to work with one hand in a cast.

Before you get the chance to say anything she groans and gets up, revealing herself to you.

“Hey, you’re home!” The redhead smiled, going to hug you as best as possible. 

Her skin felt freezing! She had been wearing a tank top and underwear with the window open on a cold autumn night. You watch as guilt drains into her face.

You blinked at her red sling. “What happened to your arm, babe?” 

A sigh came from her throat. “I, uh. Kinda got thrown into a wall.”

The color quickly drained from your face. “You what?” was the only thing you could mutter out.

“I’m fine now, don’t worry. It's just inconvenient.” 

You bit your tongue. Your reflection appears in Claire’s red spectacles. Your nose is bruised and stained red from blood.

“Do you want to go take a bath? Or shower?” you prompt, both of your usual healing methods after missions. 

Claire rubbed her eyes, clearly overworked. “No, it’s fine. I have some work to finish anyway. Maybe tomorrow?” Worry had bubbled into your chest. 

You hadn’t given it much thought, to your dismay now. Dread had eaten you up. As you stare at Claire now, your throat closes up. Jerking awake, you immediately notice the cold bed.

You manage to get Claire out of the house with the promise of a:

“Coffee/Study Date?” She furrows her eyebrows. 

“Yeah! It’ll be fun.” You chirp back.

The cold air nips at both yours and Claire’s cheeks, giving them a red hue. Leaves blow around your feet, and the shout of the coffee shop bell rings as you leave, connected by your shared scarf and tightly clasped hands.

The two of you sip on the costly coffee you had purchased to make her smile. There was a cartoon character on top drawn in creamer.

As Claire sips her coffee, the wind blows stronger, blowing cream onto her nose. She looks up at you with a sad expression before back down at her coffee. A small giggle expels from your lips at the sight. Claire glares at you.

“Don’t laugh. I spilled my coffee.” Claire whines, leaning into you and bunching up your scarf. “My latte art!” She frowns and complains jokingly. You know you’d buy her a new one in a heartbeat if she asked.

You coo and kiss her on the cheek for condolence, “You’ll survive.” 

Claire laughs, This is the biggest (read: only) smile you’ve seen from her since you got back. She squeezes your hand softly three times. Warmth trickles into your chest, temporarily battling the cold outside. You hum tenderly.

You try to ignore her paranoia, constantly checking your surroundings and flinching. 

Sniffling fills your ears and concern is etched onto your face. Her big, blue eyes look at you, beginning to water slightly. You grab her coffee and set it down on a bench nearby before engulfing her in your arms.

“Hey, hey,” your voice softens, “what's wrong, baby?” 

Claire sniffles in response. She grabs onto you like she’s afraid you’ll disappear if she lets go.

You can’t find words. With precision and gentleness, you redirect the two of you to the bench with her coffee. Her voice trembles and breaks along with the facade of the strong, independent woman you know so well.

 “‘M so, so sorry.” Claire sobs into your shoulder, tears dribbling down your scarf.

Your hand goes to her back to rub it softly. “You have nothing to be sorry about, sweetheart. I need you to talk to me, though.”

“This mission was supposed to be easy. I just needed to build schools and hospitals. But then I discovered more and dug myself farther into this shitty hole I made. I feel like I dug myself into my own grave.” You listen and hold your girlfriend as she cries. “And then when I got home I just have this… this urge to finish it. And then I started to stop acting like myself and I ruined everything we had and I-” 

You look at her, hot tears rolling down her ruby-red cheeks. “You didn’t ruin anything, baby. But I’m gonna need you to take a few deep breaths for me.” Your hand snakes its way up Claire’s frame to cup her face. Shaky breaths make themselves noticed. You ignore all the weird looks and flip people off.

Claire whispers, barely audible over the rustle of trees. “I’m sorry I haven’t been paying attention.” 

“Don’t be. I knew you were going through something. It’s not an excuse, but I knew it was out of character. I’m not mad. As long as I have our coffee dates I'm fine.” Your calm, gentle voice and small giggle lull her into a reassured space. 

“I’ll take you on a fancy date. Maybe give you some special dessert after.” Claire teases, and it is then you realize you are in for a long night.

However, it’s the first time in a long while that your bed is warm, and you know it will stay that way.

note: HAII!! if anyone has tips on formatting lmk cause this is the first time I've really done it! i mainly used ao3 before this. thank you for reading and again thank you SO much to vivi for proofreading:)

[artificialbreezy]

YOU WRITE ABOUT KIDNAPPING AND KILLING PEOPLE

you and Tina “omfg read our new fic where Noah and the boys kidnap and murder people left and right”

I’m a kidnapped victim btw, tw or not, it’s still not okay.

And you continue and continue to write about it as if that isn’t triggering for people WHO HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN KIDNAPPED

SA ISNT OKAY BUT MURDER AND KIDNAPPING IS APPARENTLY

SA, KIDNNAPING, MURDER

SHOULD NOT BE WRITTEN EITHER BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAYS YOURE JUST AS FUCKING WEIRD

And before you put words in my mouth.

I do not condone SA, I am a victim of it, that woman should have put her warnings properly, she shouldn’t have written about it in the first place.

But you shouldn’t write about kidnapping and knives when it’s ALSO TRIGGERING FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

hi! let’s talk about some stuff and not yell, can we do that? great.

okay so yes, i do write dark content. however, every piece of dark content i write is tagged, with a read more so no one sees anything they don’t want to see, and i always give more warning right before the tag of what is under the cut.

now, there is a huge world out there of dark content in books and smut. it’s common, it’s not weird. it’s pretty normal at this point. however, just like those books, i give a trigger warning. every. single. time.

if i forget or i miss something, someone always tells me and i correct the tag.

people have the option, and opportunity to not read what i’m posting.

if my content is triggering for you, please by all means block me. protect your peace. i don’t want you to have a shitty time here because of the content i post and the content my followers enjoy.

i know dark content isn’t for everyone. i even did a poll on my blog to see if people were interested in it. to which the winning was, “yes use cw” and i do. every time.

you’re right SA isn’t right. ever. and i would never put words into someone’s mouth babe. i’m here to listen to what people have to say. i’m here to talk it out, im here to help make it as easy as it can be.

i thrive to make my blog a safe space for everyone who interacts with me. and by the sounds of it, it’s not for you. i’m sorry it’s not, but if my content isn’t for you then please do not read it.

i encourage people to block tags, or just scroll past if they don’t like what i post. my feelings aren’t hurt over that.

however, dark content in terms of books and fanfic has been happening for a long time. i’m not the only one. and neither is @thefallennightmare who writes it.

[babybluebex]

long lost love: after | joseph quinn x fem!reader

summary: part two of two! eight years after you break up with joseph, you reunite with him, and you grapple with the decision of if you want to get back with him and become a household name like him, or if you want to lose him again. pairing: joseph quinn x fem!reader (rpf - don't like, don't read) tags: accusations of infidelity, lovesick joey, wes makes several appearances AGAIN, mentions of smut (but no actual smut lol sorry), brief mention of vomit author's note: thank you for your patience with this fic! i don't deserve y'all, and i love y'all so much!! thanks for reading this fic, and i hope you enjoy the end!

“Oh my god, babe,” your coworker started, leaning over to wipe down a table. She was young, a girl named Anna that was still in uni, and you liked her a lot, enough that you called her your work-sister. Yes, you were doing what you had to do; roles had washed up, and you needed to pay the bills somehow, so you were waiting tables at a little restaurant in the heart of London. It was a hellish job and you hated it, but you had no other choice.

After your short stint on the sitcom right out of LAMDA, you had auditioned and sent in tape after tape, but nothing really came to fruition. You weren’t as lucky as other people were, and you sometimes thought about going to uni proper so that you could get a meaningful degree and get a real job and give up on the whole acting thing, but you couldn’t possibly do that to yourself. Your pride was too strong and, after Joe, you were determined not to sabotage your own life again. You didn’t date, and you continued to send in tapes. “You’ll never guess who just walked in.” 

“Is it Kate and William?” you chuckled, wiping the bread crumbs from your own table. “No, wait— It’s Meg and Harry.”

“No,” Anna laughed. “Do you watch Stranger Things?” 

You shrugged. “I mean, I watched the first season,” you said. “I know the fourth one just came out.” 

“Yeah, well, Steve and Eddie from Stranger Things just walked in,” Anna said. She could barely contain her excitement, and you rolled your eyes as you laughed. “Will you take that table from me? I can’t serve them, I’m too nervous.” 

“Sure,” you said; it was a slow lunch hour, and a table meant money. Especially if these guys were on a Netflix show. “But you’re taking my next table that comes in.” 

“Deal,” Anna said. 

You smiled at her as you tightened your apron around your middle, and you approached the only filled table in the whole place. Two men occupied it, one facing you and the other facing away. The one facing you, you recognized— He was Steve, you remembered from when you watched the first season. With his head of good hair, it was impossible to mistake him, but you had no idea what his name was. The other guy— well, you couldn’t make him out too well, not from the back of his head. “Hi there, gents,” you welcomed them, smiling first at “Steve” and then turning your attention to the other man. “Welcome to—“ 

You dropped your pen, your breath sticking in your chest. Joseph. It was Joseph. He looked equally as shocked to see you, dark eyes big and wide, his cheeks pale, and tears started to well in your eyes. “Oh my God,” you whispered. You couldn’t breathe, your heart ramming inside your chest. It was actually him. He was here.

“I actually get that a lot,” “Steve” laughed. 

“Oh my… Wow,” Joseph said, a grin crossing his face. “H-How are you, how have you been?” 

“I’m fine,” you told Joseph, and he stood up to envelop you in a hug. You threw your arms around his neck and hugged him back, hand on the nape of his neck, appreciating how eight years could change a person. He smelled different, felt different against your body, he even seemed to carry himself differently. His hair looked darker, he had a bit of stubble on his chin, he had small wrinkles next to his eyes— but he still had his beautiful brown eyes, the same ones that had drawn you in, back all those years ago. “I’ve been fine, how are you?” 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Joseph said with a breathy chuckle. “It’s been— What? Eight years? Time flies, huh?” 

“Definitely,” you agreed. You couldn’t believe it. Right in front of you was your biggest regret, smiling at you and staring you in the face, and you could only manage to be cordial. You wanted to be childish, to break down at his feet and beg for him to take you back, but all you managed to say was, “Sorry for not keeping in touch.” 

“Oh, it’s—” Joseph said, and he dismissively waved his hand around.”Right after Dickensian happened, I had to change my phone number, so it’s probably my fault.” 

“Crazed fan?” you asked and laughed, and Joseph pulled a face, his eyes wide and eyebrows raised as he gnawed on his lip. 

“You’d be surprised,” he said. “Here, actually, I’ve had to change my number again since Stranger Things aired, let me give you my new number.”

“You’re blowing through phone numbers,” you chuckled. “That many crazed fans?”

“Well, this time I changed it because my old number was linked to my Hinge account,” Joseph said with an embarrassed flush in his cheeks, and your heart skipped. Had he been using dating apps? Jesus, even the thought made you ill. You hadn’t dated anybody since him, and you wondered how prolific he had been in the wake of his success, but then you stopped that line of thought. It was your fault he was single in the first place. “And I didn’t want people to find that account so… I changed it.” 

“Smart,” you nodded. “Yeah, I don’t have my phone on me right now— against the rules— so just, umm—”

“Give me your number,” Joseph said quickly. “I’ll text you instead.” He gave you a crooked smile, the same crooked smile that he had given you that first day, when he still had his braces on, and it made your heart melt. You were a little glad that the onus was on Joseph to contact you instead of the other way around; you never would have texted him, too afraid of messing everything up again. “I’m not in London for very much longer, but maybe we could grab a drink before I head to Santa Monica.”

“Yeah, for sure,” you said. Joseph handed you his phone, open to a new contact card, and you quickly typed in your name and number, then hesitated before adding a small heart after your name. That would tell him what he needed to know without actually saying it, you hoped. “I’d like that a lot. Oh, how’s Wes?”

“Wes is doing good,” Joseph told you, pocketing his phone swiftly. “He and Liam got married a few years ago, in 2018.”

“Oh my God!” you exclaimed. “Oh, good for them! I remember Wes telling me all about how he thought Liam was ‘the one’ when they first started dating.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Joseph laughed. “They’re still obsessed with each other, it makes me sick.” 

“They always were a little into PDA,” you smiled, reminiscing on movie nights with the pair. “But they were cute.” 

“You know…” Joseph started. “I was going to grab drinks with Wes tonight, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you joined. He was just talking about you the other day, wondering what was going on and everything.” 

“Yeah,” you said quickly. “I’d actually love that, I’ve been wondering how he is too. I haven’t been able to find him on social media. Or you either, for that matter.” 

“Yeah, I had Twitter for a bit, but I gave up on it,” Joseph admitted. “I just… I don’t know, I think I’m too old for that sorta stuff. I don’t know how it works or anything; I have an Instagram but my mate runs it for me, and only because Netflix basically forced me to get it. I don’t even know the password to it.” He laughed, and so did you, and you caught “Steve” out of the corner of your eye, suddenly remembering that he was there too. “Oh, fuck, sorry, where are my manners? Y/N, this is Joe Keery, he plays Steve. Joe, this is Y/N, she’s my… Well, it’s a long story, but we went to LAMDA together.” 

Wow. What a way to simplify your relationship. Although, you suppose it was easier than explaining “We used to date and then she broke up with me because she thought I cheated, which I didn’t, but she knows that now”. Long story, indeed. “We were pretty much best mates,” you added. “But after we graduated, we just… Drifted apart.” 

“What a shame too,” Joseph mumbled, then, before you could react, added, “I’ll text you about tonight, yeah? Time and place and all.” 

“Alright,” you said. “I’m looking forward to it.” 

You ended up introducing Anna to Joe and Joseph, telling her that they were good people and would tip her well, and you excused yourself to the server alley. Your hands were shaking as you sat down on a cardboard box and buried your head in your hands, and you tried to control your breathing. Joseph. No longer was he the awkward, blond, braces-and-glasses thing that he had been— he had matured nicely, luckily seemingly keeping his sense of humor that you adored, and you sniffled as you extracted your phone. You saw a text from an unknown number that just said “Joey” with a heart, and you frowned it away as you went to Instagram and typed in his name. Sure enough, his account was the first one to pop up, only one post so far, of a heavily made-up Joseph. He wore a long wig, giving the camera his best Blue Steel look, looking more serious and deadly than you had ever seen him before. Apparently, according to Anna, this was Eddie. 

Before you could do any more research into Eddie or Joseph, a new text came through from the same unknown number, Joey’s number. Wes and I are meeting at Soho House at 8 o’clock, he texted. I’ll be there a few minutes early, to make sure that you can get in.

You had heard of the exclusive Soho House before, although you had never been in it, and your heart skipped. Joseph had definitely moved up in the world. Cool, you answered back. I can’t wait. 

Wes says he’s excited to see you, Joseph told you. It’s been a while, huh?

Yeah, for sure, you answered. And you stopped, debating what to say next. Should you apologize?  Would he even know what you were apologizing for? Maybe you should wait to apologize and explain yourself in person. But Wes would be there, you wouldn’t be able to say exactly what you wanted. You wished that you could be alone with Joseph and talk, but you would take drinks. You would take anything that he decided to give you. 

You went home after your shift and instantly started to fret as you got dressed. Would it be awkward? Would you even enjoy the drinks with your old lover and friend? Or was tonight bound to be a disaster? You decided to try to look at it with as much positivity as you could— if he was inviting you out for drinks, he couldn’t hate you that much, right? Maybe he had forgiven you. Maybe he was still in love with you. 

No. Put that thought away. He was not in love with you. He had been dating since you, and probably had had girlfriends since you. He probably had a girlfriend now. He was the ultimate full package, kind and thoughtful and smart and funny and handsome and interesting, he was everything, girls should swoon over him. He should be absolutely rolling in women; there was no way that he still had feelings for you. 

When you arrived at Soho House, you saw him sitting outside instantly. He was looking as handsome as ever, smoking a cigarette and sipping on a drink in a short tumbler, and he took your breath away in a brown suit. God, had he grown even more handsome in your years apart? It didn’t feel real. “Joe!” you grinned as you approached him, and he smiled back at you, putting his cigarette out in an ashtray. 

“Hello!” he crooned, opening his arms for you. In an instant, almost as if you were drawn magnetically, you fell into his arms, hugging him tightly and pressing your head into his neck to smell his warm and earthy cologne. Joseph rubbed your back as he hugged you, just the same way he always used to, and, when you pulled away from the hug, Joseph gave you a warm, blushed smile. “Well, darling, you look stunning.” 

“Thank you,” you laughed breathlessly. “Says you! You— Fuck, you grew up! You look so good!” 

“Aw, well,” Joseph shrugged bashfully, tugging at the thin silver chain around his neck. “I mean, a lot can change in eight years.” 

“True,” you said. “But… A lot can stay the same… I’m sorry.” 

“What for?” Joseph asked, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“I…” you started. “For… You know what for. Don’t make me say it. It was humiliating enough the first time around.” 

“Let’s not have this talk here,” Joseph said softly. “Just come home with me later, we can talk there.” 

“Okay,” you agreed softly. “Can I just ask one thing?” Joseph nodded, and you carefully took his hands in yours, pressing your palms against his. You were scared to even ask, knowing that he would reject you, but you kept your resolve. “I know I hurt you. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, but… Please, if there’s any part of you that doesn’t hate me, just tell me. You are the best thing I’ve ever had in my life and I ruined it, and—”

Before you could say more, Joseph leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. It was quick, you could hardly call it a kiss, but your heart pounded in your chest like it did with your first kiss with Joe, all those years ago. You sighed and laced your fingers with Joe’s as he broke the kiss, and you started, “Does that mean—”

“Yes,” Joe whispered. “I never stopped loving you, sweetheart. You hurt me, but I never let you go.”

“Okay,” you said softly. “Good. Umm… Let’s go. Is Wes inside?” 

“Yeah,” Joe said. “He won’t stop talking about you.” With a hand on your back, he led you inside the exclusive club. You felt lightheaded even walking beside him again, and you couldn’t help the grin that covered your face when you saw Wes. He looked exactly the same, and you hugged him tightly. Wes’s arms were just as tight around you as he laughed, and he said, “Well, well, if it isn’t Miss Y/N. It’s been a while.”

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “Sorry.”

Joe helped you sit down on one of the tall stools, his hand still on your back, and he kissed your hair as he mumbled something about going to the restroom, and he slipped away as Wes showed you his hand and the gleaming silver band. “Liam and I got hitched,” Wes smiled as you squealed in excitement. 

“Oh, Wes, I’m so happy for you!” you told him. 

Wes hesitated for a second, looking over his shoulder at Joe retreating as he showed restraint that you didn’t remember him having, and he finally said, “Joe will never tell you, but you really did a number on him.”

“I know I did,” you cringed. 

“No, like,” Wes started. “He was going to ask you to marry him. He had the ring in his sock drawer and everything. When you broke up with him, I came home to find him on the floor, sobbing. He cried so hard he threw up. He was inconsolable for weeks. Didn’t do anything other than go to work and lay in bed. He was depressed, love. I thought he’d be like that forever.”

A ring. Marriage. The thought that you had ruined that made you sick. You rubbed the hem of your shirt between your fingers as you nodded at your lap, and you mumbled, “What got him out of that?” 

“Honestly?” Wes asked. “I don’t think he ever got out of it. I think working helps him, but he didn’t figure that out for a while. He did Dickensian, then didn’t work again for, like, a year, and he got really bad. He still really only works and goes home. I had to twist his arm to even get him to agree to this. ”

“Is it really your place to be telling me this?” you asked, halfway-jokingly, and Wes smiled. 

“It’s definitely not,” Wes said humorlessly. “But you deserve to know how he reacted when you broke up with him. It ruined him. He deserves better than that, and if you’re going to hurt him again, then don’t even bother.” 

“What makes you think that we’re gonna get back together?” you asked. “He wants nothing to do with me.” 

“That’s not what that kiss outside said,” Wes shrugged. “Just… Don’t let him down. Like I said, he’s been hurt enough by you.” 

You felt thoroughly shaken by that, but you nodded and righted yourself as Joe came back to the table, resting his hand on your shoulder. “What do you want to drink?” he asked. “I’ll get it for you.” 

“Oh, umm,” you started. “I can get it. Sit down, visit with Wes, I’ll be right back…” Quickly, before he could ask questions, you stood up and made your way to the bar. You needed a second alone to absorb everything Wes had just told you, but Joe had his own idea, taking the back of your shirt in a gentle grip and following you to the bar. 

“Tell me what’s wrong,” Joe said firmly. 

“Nothing,” you told him. “Everything’s fine.”

“Did Wes say something?” Joe asked. 

“No,” you insisted. “I just… This was a bad idea, all of this was a terrible… I’m going home.” 

“No, wait,” Joe said quickly. “Talk to me, darling, tell me what’s wrong.” 

“I’m not your darling,” you said quickly, edging past him towards the door. “Not anymore, I fucked that up so long ago—”

“You didn’t fuck anything up,” Joe told you, following you once again, out onto the street. 

“We could have been married by now, Joe!” you exclaimed. “We could’ve had kids by now! We could have had entirely different lives, the lives we always wanted, if it weren’t for me and-and my— I was an idiot, I was stupid and I thought I saw the signs and—”

“Hey, easy,” Joe said softly, shushing you as he pulled you into his arms. “You’re right, our lives could be completely different, but you weren’t the only one in the breakup. I could have tried to explain myself, I could have done a million things to keep you, but I didn’t, and I’ve fucking regretted it every day since then. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and, if I could, I’d snap my fingers and have everything change, but I can’t do that. All I can do is beg you, please, come back to me.”

“But I did so wrong by you,” you whimpered. “Why do you still want me?” 

“Because I love you,” Joe told you. “I’ve loved you since I met you, and every morning, I wake up without you next to me and it fucking hurts. I want this to stop hurting. Please.” His eyes were big and wet, pleading and begging with every inch of himself, and you sniffled as you pressed your hand to his cheek. 

“Joey,” you said on shaky breaths. “I want you back too, but I can’t… I’ll just hurt you again.” 

“How are you sure?” Joe asked. “You don’t know that. Maybe we needed the few years apart to find ourselves, so when we came back together, we’d be more mature and… Darling, please. What do you need me to do? Get on my knees? I’ll do whatever you need me to. I just need you back in my life, please.” 

“Baby, please,” you sighed. “Stop begging. I’m… It’s such a terrible idea. How the actual fuck are we supposed to go back to being together like nothing happened? I’ll always feel guilty about the things I did to you.”

“But you don’t need to be,” Joe said. “You made the best decision you could have with the information you had. If I had the same evidence, I would have done the same. My girl, please.” 

You squeezed your eyes shut as your tears fell, and you mumbled, “Everything in me is telling me not to do this, but… I’ll do it. Maybe we can do a trial run, a few weeks together casually, and if that works, we can… We can be together fully.” 

“I’ll take it,” Joe said quickly. He nodded quickly, putting his hands on your waist, and he said, “I leave London the day after tomorrow for the MTV Awards, but-but, yes, a trial run would be amazing.” 

“MTV?” you asked, furrowing your eyebrows. “Were you nominated for something?” 

“Well, no,” Joe started. “But me and a few other guys from Stranger Things are presenting an award.”

“My famous actor,” you chuckled lightly, knocking his chin playfully with your knuckle, and Joe flushed. “I’m proud of you.” 

“Thank you, darling,” Joe said softly. “I’ve always dreamed of hearing you say that.”

The rest of the night went by better than you expected. Joe convinced you to go back inside Soho House with Wes, and the three of you threw back drinks and laughed like old times. It felt like no time had passed, all of the same old jokes coming back to you and making you laugh as hard as the first time, all of the “Remember when Joe…” or “Do you still…”, and Joe’s hand rested on your thigh all night, inching further and further up as the night went on. Eventually, as his thumb rubbed your inner thigh about half past eleven, you sighed and put down your glass. “Well, gents,” you said. “This has been just lovely, but I need to get going. I open at work tomorrow, which means I’ve gotta wake up early.” 

“No!” Wes sighed. “Don’t leave!” 

“I have to!” you giggled, pulling your purse around your body. “Bye, Wessy, it was so nice to see you!” 

“Wait,” Wes said, standing up and drawing you into a tight hug. You smiled into his shoulder as he embraced you, and, when he pulled away, he said, “Okay, now you can go.” 

“Alright,” you chuckled. Then, you turned to Joe, unsure of how to depart, and he stood up too. 

“I’ll walk you outside,” Joe said. “Have to make sure my woman gets home safe.” 

“Your woman?” you scoffed. 

“Won’t have anyone touch my woman,” Joe mumbled, grabbing his suit jacket from the back of the seat and tossing it over his shoulders. You smiled as he put a hand on your back and led you outside, the city bustling now, and, once you were outside, you hugged Joe tightly, hand on the nape of his neck. 

“Thank you, Joey,” you said. “Maybe we can see each other again before you leave for Santa Monica.” 

“Come home with me,” Joe said quickly. “Please?” 

“Cheeky bloke,” you grinned. “S’that all you want from me? Just a little fuck?” 

“No!” Joe huffed. “I mean, yes. I mean…” He laughed a little, and he said, “Are you drunk?” 

“A little,” you admitted. 

“Me too,” Joe cringed. “This is a terrible idea, isn’t it? I should let you go home and go to work tomorrow, and we can save this for when I come back.” 

“Or,” you started, then lowered your voice, tangling your finger in the silver chain around his neck. “You can take me home, we don’t fuck, but we can do all of that other stuff anyway.” 

“I could do with a cuddle or two,” Joe mumbled, rubbing his jaw with his hand, jokingly thoughtful. “But you have work tomorrow.” 

“So I’ll call in sick,” you said. “We can spend all day together tomorrow, catching up and everything.” 

“That sounds tempting,” Joe said. “Can we fuck tomorrow, when we’re both sober?” 

“Yes,” you told him. “Now, call a cab, and take me home.” 

It was the same flat that Joe and Wes used to live in. You still remembered your way around and all of the motions you used to go through, setting your purse on the dining table and toeing off your shoes at the door— it even smelled the same as it used to, laundry soap and cigarettes, and you giggled as Joe led you into his bedroom. The things in it had changed, a different bed frame and different photographs and different curtains, but the bed felt the same as you laid on your back, looking up at the same ceiling that you used to. Everything was so different, but so similar, and you watched as Joe shrugged out of his suit jacket and let it crumple to the floor as he went for his belt. At least that hadn’t changed. Your messy little Joey. 

“Joey?” you whispered, and Joe looked at you with big eyes, waiting for you to say more. You wanted to tell him that you loved him, that you had never stopped loving him, that you would always love him, but all that came out was, “You said something about cuddles?” 

“I did,” Joe said softly. “Let me get undressed, love.” 

You sat up and moved over to meet him by the closet door, and you nudged his hands away in favor of your own hands undoing his belt. “Let me…” you mumbled, feeling the buckle loosen, and it fell away in an instant. Joe sighed, his hand coming up to cradle the back of your head, and he pressed his lips to your forehead as you tugged his belt out of the loops. 

“I missed you,” Joe whispered, and you frowned. 

“I’m so sorry, Joey,” you told him. “I was so stupid, I should have just listened to you.”

“It’s okay,” Joe told you. “At least you came back to me.” 

“I love you,” you whispered, and Joe smoothed down your hair gently. 

“I love you so much,” Joe mumbled. His hand fell from your hair and went to the bottom of your shirt, and he tugged it up and off. You undressed each other with gentle love, stealing kisses and stepping back towards the bed, and you cuddled close into Joe’s warm chest as he laid down next to you. He was left only in his boxers, you in your panties, and his arm went around you, squeezing you for a moment. “Oh, my girl… I never thought I’d get to hold you again.” 

“I’m right here,” you told him, gently kissing his chest. “I’ll never leave again.”

The night passed with comfort, bundled up in Joe’s safe arms. He fell asleep quickly, just like he always used to, and you slept well in his grip. You only woke up at around 7 in the morning, with your phone going off across the room, and you groaned and wiped sleepily at your eyes. Joe was still holding you in a death grip in his sleep, and you pried yourself out of his arms and carefully crossed the room to retrieve your buzzing phone. Your mum was calling. Oh God. 

You slipped out of the bedroom, carefully shutting the door behind you, before you answered the phone. “Hey, Mum,” you said, wrapping your arms around yourself. It was cold, especially with your level of undress, and you went to the small laundry room to try to find a shirt or something. “Why’re you calling me so early?” 

“I was looking at the news as I had my coffee,” your mum began, and you flipped up a t-shirt that was sitting in the dryer. It smelled clean, like Joe, and unwrinkled, and you slipped it up over your head as your mum spoke. “And I saw an interesting article.”

“Oh, yeah?” you asked absently. 

“Yes,” your mum said. “It was a series of pictures of you and that Joseph boy on the street, snogging away without a care in the world.”

“What?” you said sharply. “Where did you see this? Send it to me! There’s a news article about us?” 

“I thought that you and Joseph broke up years ago,” your mum said. You were fully awake now, setting her on speakerphone as you went to Google and searched up Joseph’s name. Just as your mother said, there was a news article, some ratty gossip mag, your picture splayed across the front of the website: WHO IS STRANGER THINGS’S EDDIE DATING? It was a paparazzi picture from last night, of you and Joseph at nightfall, kissing and smiling, and your heart fell deep into your stomach. “Are you back together?” 

“Umm, it’s complicated,” you answered. You could hardly even register the hangover in your skull with the rapid panic of your heartbeat, and you went back into the bedroom to find Joe now awake, squinting as he looked at his phone screen without his contacts in. “Kinda? It-It’s hard to explain.” 

“Did you see—” Joe started to ask, and you frowned as you nodded. “Shit, darling, I didn’t think—”

“Well, explain it,” your mum told you. “Tell me what’s going on.”

You sighed. “Joe and I are back together,” you said. “But he’s leaving the country tomorrow and won’t be back for a while, so it’s a lot more… Casual, than I think either of us want it to be.” 

“But I thought he cheated on you?” your mum asked.

“I can call my publicist and see what we can do about getting this removed,” Joe started. “Do you want me to do that?” 

You felt sick. Everyone talking to you at once, the upset in your chest, an odd feeling of betrayal— it was too much. “Joe, stop, please,” you said quickly. “No, Mum, Joe didn’t cheat on me. I thought he did, but he didn’t. I-I have to go and sort this out, I’m sorry. Bye.” You hung up the phone and sighed, and you sank down onto the bed and covered your face with your hands. 

“Darling?” Joe asked. “What can I do?” 

“I didn’t even think that there would be paparazzi,” you admitted. “I’m so stupid, of course there were paparazzi around…”

“Stop, love, don’t do that,” Joe said quickly. “I should have warned you that it was a possibility. I didn’t think about how… I’m still getting used to being a celebrity, I’m afraid.” 

“Oh, God,” you mumbled. “Maybe we shouldn’t do this. This might be more than I’m cut out for.” 

“No, what?” Joe asked. “Darling, no, don’t say that. Just because we were outed by a trashy website doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be together. I-I think we were made for each other, don’t let this little thing discourage you.” 

“It’s not a little thing, though!” you said, your voice wavering. “It-It’s a big thing! I was okay living in anonymity, but this is— I was fine not being well known, but you— You’re the most talked-about guy on the planet right now! I’m not sure I’m meant to be Joseph Quinn’s girlfriend, maybe it was good that we broke up before you got super famous.” 

“What do you mean?” Joe asked. He looked hurt, like a little puppy, and he said, “Do you not want this?” 

“I want this more than anything!” you said. “But I’ve only ever had a handful of acting jobs before, I’m a fucking server for God’s sake, I don’t think I’m ready to give that up! Right now, my options are to date you and lose my anonymity, or keep it but lose you!”

Joe sighed, shaking his head. “Well, love, I can’t make that decision for you,” he said. “What do you think is best?” 

You sniffled. “I don’t want to lose you again,” you whimpered. “But I… I don’t know.”

Joe was quiet, and he took your hand in his, rubbing his thumb across your palm, and he finally said, “Let me make some calls and see what I can do about getting those pictures taken down.”

“No,” you sniffled. “Leave them up. I want everyone to know that you’re the man I love. I’m not ashamed of that.” 

Joe nodded quickly. “Darling,” he started. “I don’t want to leave tomorrow if you’re this upset.” 

“I’m not upset,” you told him. “Not anymore. It’s not something that either of us can control, so why bother being upset about it? Or at least I can try to believe that… I don’t want you to leave either.” 

“What if I don’t leave?” Joe asked. “What if I cancelled and stayed here with you?”

“No, you can’t cancel the day before,” you said softly. “I wish there was some way I could… I don’t know, go with you. So that we didn’t have to leave each other right now.” 

Joe’s eyes lit up, and he said, “Actually… There might be a way. When I was first asked to present the award, they asked if I had a date, and I said no, but I wonder if it’s too late to say yes.” 

“The day before?” you cringed. “They’d have to shuffle around so much shit. And so would you. And I don’t have a dress or anything to wear, and I’m awful at doing my makeup—”

“Let me call my team,” Joe asked. “I wonder if Fabio can put something together for you, and my makeup artist might be able to… Don’t count this out, let me call my manager and see what we can do.”

Whether Joe had a silver tongue or what, you had no idea, but, by the time you had called into work to ask for the day (and next few ones) off, you were officially a guest at the MTV Awards. He had managed to secure you a spot— “you may not be sitting next to us, but you’ll be there”— and he was calling his stylist as you slipped out of the flat to go back to yours to pack. You couldn’t remember the last time you had done something spontaneous like this, and your heart thumped when you returned to Joe’s flat, luggage in hand. He was still in his boxers, although now he wore a t-shirt, and he smiled and opened his arms to you. “Tell me I’m the best boyfriend ever,” he said.

“Why?” you asked. 

“My stylist, Fabio, said that he got permission from Valentino to loan him a dress for you last minute,” Joe told you, and you gasped. “I’m wearing Valentino, and now, so are you. I still have to call my makeup artist and see if she can do anything for us, but, baby—“

You jumped forward and hugged Joe tightly, laughing and smiling along with him. It felt like a dream, and you could hardly believe your luck as you pressed your lips to Joe’s. You got to kiss him again. You got to hug him again. You were the luckiest girly in the world. He sighed as he kissed you, gentle and loving, and his lips parted from yours all too soon for your liking. “Let me make more calls,” he whispered, his eyes intensely watching you. You didn’t feel small or inferior under his gaze, only loved, and he kissed your forehead before he parted from the hug. “See what I can do for you.” 

“I love you,” you told him, and Joe’s ears tinged pink as he blushed. “You’re amazing.” 

“I love you too,” Joe said. “I… Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but I was… I was in a bad place when you left me. It was… I didn’t eat. I hardly slept. I could only think about how badly I had fucked up.” 

“Stop,” you said, shaking your head. “You did nothing wrong at all. You’re literally the least guilty person in this situation, you did nothing at all, and I was… I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. And I will, for as long as you want me to. I didn’t listen to you or let you speak when it happened, and you were right to, like, cut me off and out and shit, I would have done the same, and you’re remarkable for forgiving me and wanting me back, and then bending over backwards to help me so I can wreck your plans. I don’t deserve you.” 

Joe stepped back close to you, and he wrapped his arms around you and touched his nose against yours. “All I’ve ever wanted is you,” he told you. “And now I have you again.” 

You thought about what Wes had told you, how Joe was so close to proposing all those years ago, and you whispered, “Did you… Keep it?” 

“Keep what?” Joe asked. 

“The ring,” you said, and you swallowed thickly. “Do you still have it?” 

Joe nodded slowly. “I always thought that, one day, I’d have you back to wear it,” he said. “Do you want to see it?” 

“I’d like to wear it this weekend,” you told him, your heart beating up in your throat and nearly choking you. “If that’s okay with you.”

“That’s…” Joe started,, and he scoffed and smiled that movie-star smile. “That’s more than okay. I’d love nothing more. Let me go get it, a-and if you end up hating it, we can find a new one for you.”

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” you told him, and Joe nearly tripped on himself as he hurried out of the living room and back into his bedroom. You followed him, albeit at a slower pace, and you leaned against the doorframe as you watched him rummage in his closet. He checked the topmost shelf, pushing his hand all the way back to the wall, and he finally closed his fingers around a small box, dragging it out of its hiding spot. The velvet on the outside of the box was a little dusty from eight years in his closet, and he blew on it and gave you a sheepish grin as he handed you the box. 

You cracked it open and was met face to face with a silver diamond ring, not gaudy but big enough for it to be obvious that a large chunk of money went into purchasing it. Your mouth fell open, and you gasped softly at the sight of it, and you frowned instantly. “Joe—”

“Oh, you hate it,” he whispered. “It’s too big, isn’t it? I can get you something smaller.”

“No, no, I love it,” you said quickly. “It’s just… You kept it this whole time?”

“I told you,” Joe said. “I always thought that you’d come back and want to wear it.” 

“Well, you were right,” you chuckled. “Put it on me, darling?” 

Joe stepped forward, and he took the ring box from your hand and carefully lifted the ring from its velvet home. He took your hand in his and carefully slid the ring onto your finger, and you held it out for both of you to admire. “What kinda ring is this?” you asked. “A promise ring, or… More?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” Joe told you. 

“Can I be honest?” you asked, and Joe nodded, and you finally let your thick throat win, and you began to cry. “The thought of you being with any other girls makes me sick. I get so jealous a-and I know it’s not healthy, but I need to be your only one.”

“Have you dated since me?” Joe asked, and you shook your head. “I told you that I’ve been on dating apps, but it… I was chasing something like what you gave me, and I could only find your kind of love with you. I don’t want anybody else’s love, just yours. So… This ring?” 

“I’d marry you in an instant,” you told him, pressing your hands to his cheeks. “My sweet, amazing Joe.”

You helped Joe finish packing that day as he finished his phone calls, securing a makeup artist for you the next night, and he didn’t answer his publicist’s hounding for a response to the articles. Your flight left early in the morning for Santa Monica, and you spent every second with Joe. It felt nice to be surrounded by him again, and, before you slept that night, you gave him a kiss and bundled up in his arms. 

The day felt like a whirlwind. You barely had a second to breathe, and you followed Joe blindly the entire time, holding his hand and letting him take you wherever he needed to. It was good to be able to blindly trust someone again, especially after spending so long apart from each other; the fact that you were able to slip right back into that meant the world to you. Finally, you reached the hotel where preparations were being made for the awards show, and you met Joe’s favorite stylist, Fabio. Fabio was kind and silly, joking all the time and making you feel right at home, and he dressed you in a dark brown dress that complimented Joe’s suit. You smiled, watching your lover get dressed and get confused by the long scarf-like accessory attached to the shirt, and you held him close as his publicist nearly demanded to take pictures by the large window. He buried a kiss in your styled hair, and you grinned as you presented the ring to the camera. It felt special to be able to share your love with everyone now, and, as you held Joe’s hand as you approached the red carpet later that night, you felt like your heart would burst. 

You had to run the gauntlet of photographers and interviewers before you could go inside and escape the sunshine, and Joe held you firmly, cringing in the sunlight but smiling at you. You were very aware of the photographers calling your name, only knowing it because of the most last-minute change to the guest list, and you grinned as best as you could with your professionally-done makeup and soft lipstick smile. Your heart was lodged anxiously in your throat for the entire time (which was really only maybe 5 minutes, but felt like hours), and you sighed as Joe approached the first woman with a microphone. You tried to step away from the camera, to give him the limelight and let the focus be on him, but his arm snaked around your middle and kept you close to him. 

“Mister Joe Quinn!” The interviewer smiled as he approached. “What a sight you are! How’s your night so far?” 

“Oh, God, bless you,” Joe chuckled. “I-It’s alright. Stressful, but good.” 

“And who is this?” she asked, and Joe looked at you with his gaze playful, a look you recognized, even years on.

“This is my wife,” Joe said, and you laughed, squeezing your eyes shut. 

The interviewer grinned at you. “You’re married to the most desired man in the world right now,” she said. “How’s it feel?” 

You stammered over your words as you spoke, acutely aware that whatever you said would be broadcast all over the world. Your few roles had the same effect, but this was something different. “I-I can hardly believe it,” you said. “When I first met Joey, we were kids, and he wasn’t… Watching him grow and mature and become what he’s always dreamt of being, it’s rewarding. I love this cheeky bloke, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.”

“And what do you think of Eddie?” she asked. “Did you like him?”

If you were lying already… “Well, someone didn’t warn me about the ending,” you chuckled. “And that would have been nice.” 

“I told you you’d cry,” Joe scoffed. 

“Well…” you sighed, and you smiled at the interviewer. “I loved Eddie. He’s my favorite thing Joe’s ever done.” 

“So, Joe,” the interviewer said. “What’s next for you?” 

Joe shrugged, pouting his lips. “I’m not too worried about what comes next,” he said. “I’m gonna sit in this sun and bask for a while.” 

You leaned in and softly whispered, “You deserve it.” Joe looked at you with a small smile, and he kissed your cheek softly. 

“Alright, well, you’ve got a long night, so don’t let me keep you too long,” the interviewer said. “It was nice to meet you.”

“You too, love,” Joe said kindly, and you smiled and waved at her as you stepped forward towards the next well-dressed interviewer and camera. 

“Wife?” you mumbled through a smile, and Joe nodded. 

“I’m off the market,” Joe shrugged. “Is that so bad?” 

“Not at all,” you said. “I like you being off the market.” 

“Good,” Joe said. “I like you being off the market.”

“My man,” you hummed, and you leaned forward and kissed him. “Thank you. For absolutely everything.” 

“Thank you for giving me someone to give everything to,” Joe said. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

-

taglist: @corrodedarchiv, @faeriemunson14, @steddieloverrr, @wordscomehither, @harley1608, @ellolovely22, @birdysaturne, @freakymunson, @miserybeans, @3rd-conchord

[sarahowritesostucky]

📖"Merry & Bright"

Part 4 - Package Deal

Rated: Explicit

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Tags: a/b/o, omega Bucky, alpha Steve, kids/domestic, fingering, anal sex, knotting, multiple orgasms, Voicing, claiming bites, D/s elements, mentions of PTSD, mentions of depression, postpartum, body insecurity, breastfeeding, mpreg, pet names

Word Count: ~7000 (I'm sorry, okay?!😫)

Summary: Steve and Bucky make love for the first time since the birth of their son.

(Or: a prime example of how even my sincere attempts at g-rated domestic kid fics devolve into 6000+ words of smut 🤦🏻‍♀️)

[“You want to know what it looks like?” Steve growls, pulling back with a filthy-wet sound and a voice that’s furious and rough-edged and determined. “It looks like the cunt of the omega who gave me my children. Looks like the cunt I wanna spend the rest of my life fucking, stuffing full of my cock, my cum, my knot … my tongue.”]

(Wait! I haven't read part 1, 2, 3 yet!)

Steve appears in the doorway to their bedroom after putting the girls to bed. “ ‘And the children were nestled all snug in their beds’ ,” he recites, making Bucky chuckle softly.

“ 'blah blah, something about a long winter’s nap' .” (Which doesn’t sound bad at all to him right about now.) “That took a while," he says, stifling a yawn against the top of Gabe’s head. “They didn’t get their hands on any sugarplums at that party, did they?”

Steve shakes his head. “Naw. Crackers and juice.”

“Juice has sugar.”

“They’re fine. Reading got ‘em down.”

“We still on Stuart Little?”

“Becs begged for an extra chapter,” Steve confirms, smiling from where he’s leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, eyes full of affection as he watches Bucky feeding their son. “Did you have a nice time tonight, babe?”

Bucky winces first and lies second, so of course his ever-perceptive husband raises an eyebrow and waits him out for the truth. Bucky recounts the encounter with Karen and the other moms. “They wear me out,” he says, letting his eyes slip closed and his head dig back into the pillow that he’s got propped against the headboard. “Even when I promise myself I’m just gonna eat the food and not engage, somehow they draw me in. They have that knack.” 

“Eh. They’re just a bunch’a cotton-headed ninny muggins.”

Bucky snorts. “Yeah well I’m not too far off from ‘em.” He feels Gabe slowing down and trails his fingers through the boy’s wispy hair. “Here I thought it was last week instead of this week. Seven full calendar days off track.”

“Babe, it happens.”

“Hm. No it doesn’t. But you’re sweet for saying so.” He smiles self-deprecatingly. “Neurologist said I’ve got too much white matter, now.”

“Yeah, and he also said it isn’t getting any worse. Lots’a people have brain injuries and manage to live perfectly fine lives.”

Bucky doesn’t miss how Steve substitutes the word ‘fine’ for ‘normal’, and his lips twist wryly. “I know. It’s just, all this time I’ve been blaming it on pregnancy brain, but that'd be wearing off by now.” He groans with his eyes still closed. “Swiss cheese for brains, Stevie, I swear.”

Steve makes a sad tut of disapproval from the doorway. Bucky stubbornly doesn’t open his eyes, but he can hear the soft sounds of Steve padding across the room, then the bed dipping by his side as he slides in next to him. “You’re doing great, Sweetheart,” he encourages.

Despite how much Bucky disagrees with that assessment, he can still hear all the love and warmth in Steve’s voice, can tell that his husband sincerely means it when he leans in and kisses his ear, lips and breath lingering at the craggy, mutilated top. It’s one of the ways that Steve has always silently said ‘I love you’ to Bucky when he knows the omega is in a bad mood, and it somehow manages to worm its way past his churlishness each and every time. “Thanks, Babe,” he mutters.

Steve wiggles in to sit beside him, hip to hip, mindful of Bucky and the baby and not upsetting Gabe’s feeding time. “... Did something else happen today? You seem, I dunno, burdened.”

“I am. I mean I’m just fucking tired, but yeah.”

His hand appears on top of Bucky's thigh. “Tell me?”

Bucky sighs. “Just my emotions goin’ haywire. Hormones. I went jogging and cried in the park.”

“Baby,” 

Steve never likes to hear that Bucky’s unhappy, which is the main reason why Bucky avoids mentioning it. He’s got a therapist for that shit, after all. “Eh, it was brief. I got over it. But then I realized the play was tonight and I had to scramble to get the girls' costumes together; and right before that, I had to do battle with this snotty little beta at the pharmacy just to try and get my prescription filled, so that didn’t help.”

“What?”

Bucky ruefully recounts the incident with his birth control medication and the new FDA regulations, and Steve starts to rumble angrily in his chest before the story is halfway through. Bucky opens his eyes to see his Alpha looking all indignant on his behalf. His lips quirk. “Easy there, Big guy.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Steve growls. “I didn’t know there was any kind of legislation like that being considered.”

Steve’s unhappy scent is making Gabe start to pull away, and Bucky rubs the infant’s back. “Calm down. You’re making him squirm.” Steve grumbles but tries to obey, and Bucky relaxes when he feels Gabe go searching for another latch. “I dunno Steve. Things are changing, and I see the signs and it just scares the crap outta me.” 

“What do you mean, ‘changing’?”

“Just ... the little things," he mumbles, knowing that there's a chapter in his book called that, and that Steve probably remembers it, too. Bucky shrugs, avoiding Steve's concerned stare. "A couple of years ago, people weren’t talking so much about church. Now everybody’s back to talking about gender roles all the time.”

“People are allowed to have religion, Buck.”

“It’s not just that. It’s people’s attitudes changing, their whole approach. It scares me. People didn’t used to always be talking about what was ‘decent’ or what was ‘allowed’ on this platform or that. Purity culture, moral absolutism; those things were on the decline, ya know? People didn’t criticize working mothers as much. Omegas didn’t wear their collars in public like it's some sort of fashion statement. 'Tradwives' weren’t trending on TikTok. … Abortion was protected.”

“It’s still protected,” Steve argues. 

“Here it is,” Bucky says peevishly, because they both know about each and every issue that’s been kicked back to the states in recent years. “It’s how fast everybody forgets. Now those bumper stickers are coming back in vogue again, Jesus fish lapel pins. Hell, it’s even normal to launch a friendly chat with a chipper little ‘where do you fellowship?’ They’re banning books all the time—”

“In schools, not public libraries,” Steve interrupts, then hurriedly adds, “I’m not defending it, Buck. I’m just saying there’s a difference.”

“There’s a difference until there’s not a difference,” he snaps. Then, after a beat of fraught silence between them, he whispers, “Please tell me it’s not happening again, Steve.”

“Hey.” Steve shifts beside him, putting an arm behind his back to pull him closer against his side. He kisses the top of his head. “No, Buck. We’ve got intelligence agencies to fight against that, now. That’s what Shield is for. It’s what I do. You’ve gotta know I’d never let you or the girls—the kids,” he hurriedly amends, not yet used to “the girls” no longer being an apt descriptor of their children, “get drawn into a situation like that again. I’d never let it happen, baby, never. You know we have an exit plan if things get bad.”

Bucky nods, swallowing thickly at the mere thought of it. “Yeah,” he whispers against Gabe’s head. He knows that Steve only put that plan together to help assuage Bucky’s lingering fears, his anxiety that never quite goes away completely. “Yeah. We can get out. We have a plan.” He’s whispering it to himself, vaguely recognizes the beginning feelings of a spiral, how his pulse is faster than it should be, audible in his ears, with dread pooling low in his gut like spoiled food.

He whimpers and pushes his nose against Gabe’s hair to soothe himself, inhaling the new baby smell that he still has. “We have a private jet,” he whispers, reminding himself, trying not to let his thoughts flash back to the memory of the retreating rear window of his mom’s car at a border crossing, his sisters’ faces pressed against the glass as they leave him behind in a country where he's not safe anymore …

“Untrackable Quinjet, fly to Canada,” he murmurs, trying to focus on five things that he can see, smell, feel, taste and hear … about Gabe, his son, his—

“Baby,” Steve is mourning by his side. He grips Bucky’s shoulder and gives him a comforting squeeze, which pulls Bucky’s vision back into focus from the panic attack he’d been about to fall into. Steve seems unaware of it. He’s still just cuddling him and talking platitudes in a low voice. “That’s not happening, okay? Things are fine, I promise you.”

Bucky nods, even though he can’t help but to worry, “Then why are people giving up their rights again?” he asks. “You know they’re expanding the Fertility Care Act.”

“I know. But that doesn’t take anyone’s rights away.”

“You know how I feel about it.”

“I know. I know babe. ‘Incentiv—”

“Incentivization is the first step to coercion!” Bucky finishes for him. “Yes. They’re prioritizing citizens who can have kids over ones who can't. How is that fair?!” 

Steve lowers his head. “It’s not.”

“And passing all these restrictive laws? Requiring my Alpha to cosign on my birth control? How can they do that?”

Steve sighs. “We’re still a democracy,” he says sadly. “People still have the right to vote for the policies they want, even if they’re not the same things that you and I want. We’re a self-determining society, babe. If they get enough support for it, enough votes … People still get to make these decisions.”

Bucky grunts. “Well they're making the wrong ones.”

Steve hums in agreement, giving him another squeeze. “Hey now, don’t think about that stuff. Relax with me tonight, that’s what I want.”

“Hmph.”

“You’re gonna turn the milk sour, you keep worrying like that,” he teases. “C’mere, grumpy.” He dips in and nuzzles against Bucky’s face to try and get a small smile out of him. It kind of works, and Steve hums happily when he feels him soften. “How’s Little man?” he asks, kissing Bucky’s temple and looking down at their son.

“Pretty sure he’s eating in his sleep,” Bucky murmurs. “And I’m about to be too.” 

“Mm. But you’re not eating.” 

“You know what I mean, dummy.”

Steve leans in and noses at his neck, scenting him affectionately. “You smell so good, momma. Smell like home, like mate.” Bucky makes a grumbling sound of complaint at the “momma” and Steve snickers and kisses him in apology. He cups his hand behind Bucky’s flesh one, intimately joining him in cradling their infant son’s head against Bucky’s chest. “Lookit that,” he purrs, and it’s not all innocence to his tone, as he stares at where Gabe is suckling. “I love to see you like this,” he murmurs. “Seeing you feeding him, giving him what he needs. Using that part of yourself for this.”

Bucky groans and lets his eyes fall closed again in mortification. “Steeve.” He feels Steve’s thumb start swiping back and forth on the back of his hand that's cupping Gabe's head.

“Shh. It’s true, momma.” Steve starts peppering kisses against the top of his shoulder as he watches Gabe nursing and Bucky blushing. He speaks softly between the kisses, murmuring intimate words of love against Bucky’s skin: “Love it. Love you. You don’t know what it does to me, to see you with him like this. Watching you takin’ care of him. Knowing that your gorgeous body can do this, can nourish him. The baby you made for me, my son.” His voice is rumbling again by the time he finishes, possessive, and he laces their fingers together and ducks in close to start mouthing at Bucky’s bonding glands—something which he knows turns Bucky on to no end, goddamn him. 

Bucky groans and whines. “Are you serious right now?” Steve’s laugh puffs out against his skin, warm and affectionate, and Bucky drops his head to try and hide the smile he can’t keep off his own face. “Damn you, Rogers.”

“Language, momma Rogers,” Steve purrs, which only serves to make the heat in Bucky’s face worse. “Let me put him down,” he murmurs, kissing Bucky’s neck one last time before moving forward to take Gabe. Bucky hands him over with a tired hum, letting his eyes slip closed again while Steve is gone. 

He’s surprised when he drifts off to sleep and the next thing he’s aware of is Steve crawling back into the bed with him. “Mmhh, I fell asleep.”

“I can see that.”

“He go down okay?”

“Yep.” Steve pulls him into his arms and lies down with him, kissing his forehead. “You make me so happy, Buck,” he whispers. He trails kisses down his face until he reaches his lips, then presses gentle pecks there until he’s able to coax his way inside for more. He makes out with him lazily, humming in pleasure as Bucky softens and starts to respond to it. He lets one hand roam his body, trailing up and down the omega’s side, then squeezing his waist. “You tired?” he whispers.

Bucky smirks with his eyes closed. “M’ always tired.”

Steve hums in agreement and kisses him some more. “He slept through the night last night.”

“Yeah. Don’t jinx it. Maybe we’ll get lucky again.”

“Want to fool around?” Steve murmurs, already kissing along his jaw towards his neck again. His big hands roam Bucky’s body, caressing his waist and circling behind to grab at his ass. “I miss you.”

Bucky sighs in pleasure, nodding. “I’m fucking tired,” he murmurs—very pointedly not a ‘no’—then shivers when Steve rolls over to cover him with his body, pressing one firm, thick thigh up between his legs. Bucky groans tiredly. “Ohh, Honey.”

“I’ll do all the work,” Steve promises, whispering the words against his neck in a conspiratorial way that makes Bucky chuckle. Steve kisses his bonding gland again. “Mmm, promise. You can just lie here and feel good.”

“Or fall asleep,” Bucky mutters, though as Steve presses his thigh down and rolls his hips, the odds of that happening significantly diminish. Bucky smiles with his eyes still closed and digs his skull back into the pillow, shivering full-body as he feels his dick waking up. “Mm, Stevie. Yeah. Make me feel good?”

“Course,” Steve whispers, before sealing his mouth over the sensitive tissue of Bucky’s bond scar. He hums in pleasure as he sucks hard, coaxing the gland underneath to swell and grow closer to the skin with arousal. He fits his teeth to the shape of it, biting in a quick, sharp nip that makes Bucky gasp. 

“Oh! Steve …”

“You remember what the doctor said,” he teases, scraping his teeth over the spit-wet skin. “Hm? ‘Bout the ways Alpha can help you feel good?”

“Ohh, mm hm.” Bucky’s O.B. and his therapist have told them that stimulation of the glands can help relieve some of the effects of postpartum depression—including regular sex and penetrating bites from a bondmate. They've tried the latter but not the former, but Steve has been more than keen on the idea of helping his omega in both ways.

“What do you say, baby?” he asks, licking and kissing all over his bond scar. “Hm? It's all healed up from last time. Can I?”

Bucky whimpers, weak from the rush of arousal that always comes at hearing Steve ask for this. “Nnn,” he whines uselessly, rolling his body up against the alpha’s bulk. “Ssteve,” he slurs, “Nnn, don’t.”

“Aw, why not?” he coos lazily, still mouthing at that spot. “It’ll feel good, I promise.” He moves up to whisper in Bucky’s ear: “I know how hard it makes you cum when I time it just right.”

Bucky moans pitifully. He tries to remember what his reason for protesting it is, but it’s hard. “It’s almost—oh! mmm—s’almost Thanksgiving. W-we, um … T-tony’s parties, n’ the Turkey Trot …”

Steve lets his teeth drag over the glands again. “Fuck the Turkey Trot. So what? I love seeing you fresh with my mark. And this way everyone else will too. They’ll see it and they’ll know you’re mine. Know I was probably fucking you while I did it, claimin’ you all over again.” His voice is rough and gravelly by the end, full of heat and possession. “You got any idea how much I like that?”

“Hnhh,” Bucky breathes, unable to argue against that reasoning. “Okay.”

“Good boy,” Steve purrs, eliciting another pathetic whine from his mate. Bucky can practically feel Steve’s satisfied grin as he continues to nuzzle into the crook of his neck, mouth never leaving his bonding glands for long. “Smell so fuckin’ good, momma,” he groans, and this time rather than protest the endearment, Bucky keens at the way Steve says it: like Bucky being the mother of his children is the sexiest, most wonderful thing imaginable. Steve keeps kissing a path down his neck and shoulder, over his collarbone and chest, stopping when he reaches the level of his pecs and sealing his mouth to a nipple—the same place where their baby was nursing not even ten minutes ago. 

Bucky shivers in sensitivity and blushes like a madman, his hands flying up to tangle in Steve’s hair. “Nnh, Steve, wait, oh …”

Steve groans and rubs his cheek against his chest, the drag of his facial hair and his hot breath making Bucky’s nipples harden into tight nubs. He brings a hand up to cup one swollen pec and mouths openly at the other, groaning as he stares greedily.  “Fuck, baby, look at you.”

“Steve,” Bucky pants. “Nnn,”

“Mm mn, no. Hush. Just let me play with ‘em.”

Bucky continues to whine about it, but a hardening dick and a leaking asshole don’t lie, and Steve knows him too well to let him get away with such shallow evasion at this point in their marriage.

He settles in for the long feast, humming and grunting in pleasure between kisses and sucks to Bucky’s chest, alternating sides and squeezing whatever he isn’t mouthing over at the moment. “God, baby,” he says between one kiss and the next. “Wish you’d stay like this. Love your body like this. So soft, just for me.”

“Fuck, Steve.”

“Mmhm. Could keep you like this forever. All needy and sensitive.” He traps Bucky’s nipple between his lips and sucks, hard, and Bucky feels that tingly sensation and knows what’s going to happen a second before it does. His hands fly to Steve’s head and he cries out, but there’s no time for him to warn his husband before his body lets out a tiny spurt of breastmilk. Steve only pauses for a second, his mouth still on him, and then he groans loudly against Bucky’s chest. He sucks again, huffing in enjoyment, then lifts up and meets Bucky’s gaze with lust-blown eyes. “Oh honey,” he whispers, sounding devastated. “I almost forgot how sweet you are.”

Bucky’s brain is kind of short circuiting at the sheen on Steve’s lips, wet from his very own breast milk. “Shit,” he exhales shakily. “Alpha.”

Steve growls and drops back down to suck on him some more. Bucky can only lie there and take it, his head tossing on the pillow and hands gripping Steve’s hair as the alpha makes a playground of his chest. Bucky whines and complains, but truth be told there’s something small and squirmy inside of him that secretly loves it when his husband indulges in his body this way. It makes him feel wanted and beautiful, reminds him that Steve loves every part of him, even when Bucky himself doesn’t. “Leave—aah—leave some for the baby,” he eventually manages to say, laughing between pleasured groans and gasps. 

Steve pulls off and comes up to kiss him, tongue swiping past Bucky’s lips and leaving the taste of himself behind. Bucky’s breathing shakily by the time they part, and Steve’s eyes flit over his face. “You okay?” he asks, so sincere in his care for Bucky that it makes Bucky want to give him everything. 

“Yes Alpha,” he whispers, reaching up with his flesh hand and cupping Steve’s jaw with it. “I just love you stupid-much, is all.”

“Stupid much?”

“Mm, yeah, it’s pretty stupid.”

Steve surges down to kiss him thoroughly once more “See?” he teases, knocking their foreheads together. “All that moping didn’t curdle the milk after all.” Bucky huffs and swats at him, and Steve grins and rolls away. “Hang on one sec.” He gets up to undress, and by the time he’s crawling back into bed naked, Bucky’s kicked off his pajama pants as well. Steve slides right back into the cradle of his hips. Between their bellies, his cock is hard, but he makes no move to address it, focused on his mate instead. “What do you want tonight?” he asks gently, tracing Bucky's face on one side and then the other. “Hm? We can do anything you want. Whatever makes you feel good.” 

Bucky softens, in love. That’s how it’s been these past four months: Steve being careful, trying so hard to respect any boundaries, to let Bucky take the lead as they find their way back to intimacy as husbands. Problem is, most days Bucky doesn’t know what he wants. He swallows thickly and rasps out a quiet, “I just wanna feel you.”

Steve hums. He tucks the recently-shortened strands of Bucky’s hair aside, eyes flicking from one ruined ear to the other, amazing Bucky with how his gaze never waivers with any hint of distaste at the mutilated flesh. It’s just love he sees in him. “I think that can be arranged.”

He kisses him, long and languid and indulgent, the kind of kiss that takes its time and never really escalates, more intimate than it has any right to be. By the time he’s kissing down Bucky’s body to put his mouth on his prick, Bucky’s a leaking, mewling mess. 

“Ssteve,” he slurs as he watches his husband’s blond head of hair dip down between his legs and feels his mouth engulf him in sudden, overwhelming warmth. “Oh God.” Bucky’s eyes slip shut and he digs his skull back into the pillow, exhaling through clenched teeth at how good it feels. Steve hums from around his mouthful and Bucky hurriedly grasps at his hair. “Nnn, don’t,” he hisses, trying to calm down even as his hips are shoving up at Steve’s face. “Don’t hum like that, Jesus Christ.”

Steve laughs and pulls off to look up at him. He kisses Bucky’s cockhead and winks. “Sorry. I was just enjoying myself.” Keeping eye contact, he suckles and laves over just the head of Bucky’s dick, then uses his hold at the base to tap it against the flat of his tongue several times. 

“Fuck.” Bucky pants and screws his eyes shut. “It’s been too long. I can’t hold it.”

“Who says you need to hold it?” Steve kisses his hipbone. “Cum as many times as you want to, Sweetheart. As many times as you need.”

Bucky groans. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“Maybe it is.” He goes back to Bucky’s cock, pushing hard at one of his thighs to force him to widen his legs even further. “There we go, good boy. Keep ‘em spread.” 

Bucky peeks down at Steve and sees him staring at … everything. 

Oh. … Oh.

He swallows nervously. It’s been over four months now, and he’s had the go-ahead from the doctor since all the way back at his six-week checkup, but Bucky’s still been self-conscious. They've resumed some recreational activities, but Steve still hasn’t asked to have sex yet. Bucky’s pretty sure he’s waiting for him to initiate. “H-how’s it looking down there?” he asks, trying to insert levity into his tone and failing pretty spectacularly. “Everything … everything good?” 

“Mmm.” Steve caresses his balls, pushing them up and out of the way, feasibly so that he can stare at his perineum and further back to his weeping, clenching hole. “It’s winking at me,” he says, making Bucky’s face go red hot.

“You know what I mean,” he huffs, knocking his heel against Steve’s back halfheartedly. “How’s it … how’s it look?”

Steve hums and pretends to consider it very seriously, moving in even closer. “Looks perfect,” he says, a touch more arousal in his voice this time. And he’s so close now that Bucky can feel the heat of his breath against his skin. Steve’s finger touches just behind his balls and glides all the way back along his taint, up and down, tracing the line of where Bucky knows the stitches were. “All healed up,” he murmurs, sounding pleased. “Pretty and pink.”

Bucky snorts and makes a face. “Yeah, right. Don’t worry Steve, I’ve read all the reality check articles.”

“The what?”

“Stuff on the internet for new mothers. On how wrecked you are after giving birth. They say it’s especially rough on male O’s, and I’ve popped two of these things out, so.” He grimaces. “I think they have like, lasers or something that they can use to try and fix it, or at least make it look nicer.”

“What?” Steve sounds shocked. “Babe. What are you talking about?”

Bucky huffs, not wanting Steve’s false platitudes. “I’m just trying to be realistic, okay?” He squirms impatiently and refuses to look down at the alpha between his legs. “So? Does it look like … ya know, very messed up?” 

Steve’s tensing shoulders and his low growl are the only warnings Bucky gets before his husband’s mouth is sealing itself straight over his taint and sucking ferociously, the accompanying rumble of his growl only intensifying the feeling.

Bucky yelps. “Holy fuck!” His body jolts in place, trying to bow off the bed, but Steve holds him still with strong arms wrapped around his thighs. “Sh-hit,” he gasps, “Steve!”

“You want to know what it looks like?” Steve growls, pulling back with a filthy-wet sound and a voice that’s furious and rough-edged and determined. “It looks like the cunt of the omega who gave me my children. Looks like the cunt I wanna spend the rest of my life fucking, stuffing full of my cock, my cum, my knot … my tongue.” He surges back in, taking turns between tongue-fucking his hole and sucking on his rim as brutally as he can, making loud grunts and groans in the process that are very clearly meant to drive a point home. “Mmph, mmm, hhmph!” 

Bucky gasps and keens, overwrought by Steve’s words just as much as he is by the feeling of his mouth. He doesn’t even consciously think about it as he grabs his cock and starts jerking off, Steve groaning loudly against his ass when he realizes what Bucky’s doing. It only takes another minute of that before he’s coming, riding Steve’s face as his cock pulses in his hand and wets up his belly in spurts of clear omega cum. 

“Oh God, oh, ohh …” His breath hitches in broken moans as he rides the orgasm out. Then the pleasure wanes and he slowly comes back down to earth, panting and dazed, blinking up at nothing but the blank plaster of their bedroom ceiling …

Until Steve reappears in his field of vision, having climbed back up to lie over him once again. Bucky welcomes the press of his alpha’s heavy body on top of him, accepts the slick-tinged flavor of Steve’s tongue when he slots their mouths together and shoves inside, demanding and harsh. “That was number one,” he says, when he’s pulled back and is looking down at Bucky with a satisfied expression. “How many more you gonna give me tonight?”

Internally, Bucky curses. He curses, dies a little bit, and falls deeper in love all at the same time. Meanwhile, externally, he regains his breath and meets Steve’s hungry stare. “I’ve got a feeling you’re gonna wear me out more than the baby,” he says, aiming for a wry drawl but only achieving something that sounds breathless and wrecked instead. He sees Steve’s eyes darken the way they do whenever he’s issued a challenge, and knows he’s in for a hell of a night. “What’re you thinking?” he whispers.

“I’m thinking: I want to see that again, and again,” Steve rasps, voice gone to gravel. “Thinking I want to watch you lose control like that all the goddamn time. For the rest of my life.”

Bucky flushes. “Steve …”

“I’m thinking: that I want to make you feel good in every possible way there is to feel good.” His lips ghost over Bucky’s as he murmurs, “So that you know. Because you clearly don’t—”

“Steve …”

“And so that you never feel like you need to ask me a question about what you ‘look like’ ever again. Not on any part of your beautiful body.”

Bucky groans and tries to turn his face away, But Steve catches him and guides him back with a gentle hand on his cheek. “Uh uh, Sweetheart. You listen to me. I want to make love to you. Until you can’t take it anymore, until you go soft and weak and cryin’ with it.” His hands start wandering over the peaks and valleys of Bucky’s body, caressing his skin. One hand moulds itself to the side of his neck, fingers playing over the texture of his bondmark, while the other glides down, pausing to stop and tweak a nipple, squeeze his waist, grab the fleshy curve of a hip. Very purposefully, he slides his hand to settle into place over his lower belly, hushing him when he feels him start to tense up. “Shh sh sh. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Steve, I’m … it’s —”

“Shhh.” He nudges their noses together, chiding and affectionate all at once, because he knows which parts of his body Bucky is most self-conscious of. But he doesn’t move his hand from the territory it’s claimed. “I know,” he whispers. “I know how you feel. But that’s all wrong, baby. And I want to show you.” He kisses him again, only this time it’s tender, almost achingly so. He relents and pulls back. “That’s all, Honey. I just want to make you feel new things, good things. I want to show you. I need to show you.” 

“Show me what?” Bucky whispers, but then Steve stares down at him in that dark and private way that he deeply, intimately recognizes, and he regrets having asked. Bucky trembles and closes his eyes. “Steve, please. You don’t have to …” 

“Look at me,” Steve murmurs. He rests their foreheads together. “I just want you to understand, baby. That when I touch you here,"—his fingers curl possessively into the too-soft flesh of Bucky’s stomach—“I feel something so profound, so far beyond just love or arousal … that I don’t even know what to say to you. You understand? It hurts. I don’t have words for it.” He looks at him imploringly. “You couldn’t be more beautiful than you are to me right now.”

Bucky’s heart beats faster at the intimate confession. He tries to suck his stomach in, tries to tense his abdominals and make himself firm, but Steve tuts at him and pinches the side of his neck, right over his swollen glands. Bucky gasps, eyes shooting back up from where he’d been starting to look down between their bodies at Steve’s hand on him. “I wasn’t.”

“Look at me,” Steve says, and this time it’s in his Voice, the sound of it sending an instant shot of arousal down Bucky’s spine and into his core. His eyes must show it, too, because Steve smiles and purrs deep in his chest. “Yeah,” he encourages, still in the Voice that he so rarely uses with Bucky. “That’s right. Look up here at Alpha. Do as you’re told.”

Bucky licks his lips, aware that his cock is rapidly hardening again. “Steve,” he breathes shakily. “I —”

“Pull your knees up,” he murmurs, and Bucky obeys without a second thought. “Good boy.”

A chirp erupts from Bucky’s throat, unbidden, and he colors in surprise at the sound. “Alpha,” he says, because it’s the only word he can think to say.

Steve smiles and strokes over his bond mark with the roughened pad of a thumb. “Does it feel nice? Want more?”

Bucky nods, blinking, the effects of Steve’s Voice still singing in his veins like a drug. “Yeah.” 

They hardly ever engage in Voiceplay. It’s something Bucky enjoys with his husband, but he’s had bad experiences with other alphas in the past; times when men who weren't Steve assaulted him with what should only ever be used as a tool of lovemaking. Steve knows this, and so he usually avoids Voicing with Bucky unless he knows that the circumstances are just right.

The circumstances are just right. 

Bucky whimpers and reaches down impulsively to cover Steve’s hand where it rests on his belly, but not to pull it away. “Alpha,” he chirps again, fingers curling over Steve’s larger ones.

“This okay?” Steve checks, his eyes scanning his face for even a hint of discomfort. 

But he finds none, and Bucky nods his head in fast approval. “Yeah, yes.”

It’s still achingly vulnerable, having Steve touching this soft, imperfect part of him; but it’s intimate, too, and Bucky wants more of that. He wants Steve to make love to him this way, an Alpha with his omega—capital A, lowercase o.

“S’been so long,” he breathes, his voice hitching as his emotions finally catch up with him. Ridiculously, he starts to feel tearful. He’s missed having this with his mate so much. “So long, Stevie.”

“Baby,” Steve coos. “Don’t cry.”

Bucky sniffles shyly and tucks his face into Steve’s neck, feeling stupid. “Can’t help it,” he mumbles.

Steve’s fingers massage his bond mark and he kisses his temple soothingly. The hand that was on his stomach snakes around, dipping underneath his lower back and tugging them even closer together. “You gonna let me?” he asks. “Gonna let Alpha make you cum again and again?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah? Gonna let me give you another bite, make it a good one? Mark you up again for everybody to see?”

Bucky whines and nods, drawing his knees up, wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips and tilting his pelvis to make himself available to his mate. “Please,” he begs. “Please, yes, Steve. I want it, please.”

Steve rumbles deep in his chest and slots their mouths together in a brief, aggressive kiss, then pulls back swiftly and manhandles him onto his belly, pulling him up by the hips into presenting. Bucky cries out in surprise but goes willingly, widening his knees on the bed and pushing his ass back into Steve’s groping hands. “Good boy,” Steve praises, Voice dipping down into that register that’s low and rumbly and lets Bucky know that his Alpha is very pleased with him.

Bucky grunts and wiggles happily until Steve’s hand appears at the back of his neck and pushes down: a wordless, forceful ‘Stay’ that makes him shiver and whine with impatience. “Nnnh.”

The hand flattens at his nape and slowly drags down the length of his spine, appreciative and greedy. “Aw, Sweetheart,” Steve breathes, hips rocking forward. “You’re perfect. Absolutely perfect, y’hear me?” He curses quietly as he digs his fingers into the fat of Bucky’s hips, watches his cock dragging through the wet valley of his ass. “Jesus wept, Honey. Lookit you. Wet dream come to fucking life, I swear.”

Steve only curses this much when he’s incredibly turned on, and the knowledge that it’s his doing has Bucky slicking up even worse than before. He whines and scrubs his face against the bedding as he feels his hole pulse and leak, the slick tickling as it trails down his taint and balls. “Steve,” he pleads, relieved when Steve grabs his hips and continues to take control.

“Shh, s’okay, you’re okay. I’m gonna give you what you need. Gonna take it slow.” His fingers appear at his backside, slipping through all the slick, wetting them up in him. He starts to press in with one finger. “Real slow,” he murmurs. He fucks him on just that one finger, for far longer than he would normally do, taking his time in Bucky’s body, in relearning this touch with him. Bucky makes a miserable noise against the bedsheets and Steve hums, pleased. “Yeah? How’s that feel, Sweetheart?”

Bucky whines and nods, his cheek dragging on the sheets. He feels Steve curling over him, his chest pressing up against his back and then the finger sliding deeper. Bucky moans as it grazes over his prostate. “Oh, God.”

“Uh huh.” Steve’s breath hits right at his ear. He plants his left forearm alongside Bucky’s, holding himself up as he fingers him. Right next to Bucky’s face, their pinky fingers hook together, flesh over metal. Steve kisses the shell of his ear and whispers, “Bucky, honey. You’re so swollen inside, I can feel it.” He strokes his finger, curling gently over that spot that makes Bucky’s vision go blotchy. “I want you to cum like this first,” he whispers. “On my hand a couple’a times. Right on Alpha’s fingers. Okay?”

Bucky sobs and nods. “Yeah,” he breathes. “Steve, please.” He can feel the orgasm coalescing already, the pleasure of Steve’s finger pulling him closer on every pass. “Please, please.”

“Shhh. Remember: slow,” he reminds him, and Bucky’s guts twist up in further delicious arousal and frustration. Steve doesn’t try to edge him, though. He lets him have it, working him up to it steadily, not rushing, kissing his neck again and again as he fucks him on one finger and then two.

That added fullness is what makes Bucky unravel, his body pulsing as he gasps and suddenly falls into his second orgasm.

Steve talks him through it, never stopping the whispered encouragements against his ear: “There we go. That’s it, baby, that’s it. So good.”

Bucky collapses to his stomach, and Steve follows him down, gently nudging his knees inside of Bucky’s to make a space for himself. Bucky complies, boneless from his climax. “Stevie,” he slurs. 

“Right here, baby.” He presses up all along his back, covering him with warmth. “I’m right here.” His hands slide up Bucky’s arms and cover his hands at either side of his head. Bucky moans quietly as Steve laces their fingers together and gives a squeeze. “Hey, gorgeous.” He rolls his hips, cock slotting into place. “You’re so wet.”

“Y-yeah.”

Steve rocks leisurely against him and Bucky hums at how slick it is, enjoying the intimacy of rubbing together full-body. He lets his eyes slip closed as he soaks it all in: Steve’s heavy weight, his scent, the scratch of his beard and the heat of his breath in the crook of Bucky’s neck. He wishes they could stay like this forever.

“You feel so good,” he whispers. “I love you.”

“Love you too, Sweetheart.” Steve drags his lips over the sensitive skin of his bondmark. “Can I fuck you, baby?” he asks softly. “You want that, hm? Want Alpha inside of you?”

Bucky is glad that Steve can’t see his face, because his eyes are wet from pleasured, overly-emotional tears, and this way he doesn’t have to bother being embarrassed over what a sap this pregnancy has turned him into. He nods and scrubs his cheek against the bedcovers. “Yeah,” he rasps. “Yeah, Steve. Please.”

Steve hums and kisses him once more, before he reaches down and lines his cock up, dragging the head wetly across his rim a few times with increasing pressure, until it catches. Bucky tenses, because it’s been so long since they’ve done this, and because the last event of real significance that involved his asshole had been childbirth, but Steve soothes him with a sucking kiss to his bondmark. “Relax,” he murmurs, pushing in at the same time and making Bucky gasp softly. “Shh, there you go. See?” 

“Ohh.” Bucky’s eyelids flutter as he’s slowly filled. “Steve.”

“Uh huh.” Steve’s hips kiss his ass as he sinks home all the way. “Juust like that,” he purrs, grinding against him and staying deep inside. “S’it feel nice?”

“Uh huh,” Bucky breathes, lips parted and eyes closed, brow furrowed at how full he is. “Yeah, Stevie … oh …” 

Steve chuckles and kisses his shoulder. “You feel amazing,” he whispers, before he experiments with moving a little more. He keeps pulsing his hips, rocking languidly, gradually building up to a slow pace.

He fucks him gently then, not pulling back to get on his knees or gain any kind of leverage. Instead he stays close, deep; plastered to his back and dragging his cock against his sensitive insides over and over so perfectly. When it pulls a tortured moan from Bucky's throat, Steve encourages him with soft, sucking kisses against his glands. “S’okay.”

“God, Steve.”

“Uh huh. Juust like that. I remember how you like it. Alpha's got you, baby.” Steve sounds like he’s getting close, too, voice laboured as he grunts against Bucky’s neck. “You gonna, ugh, gonna cum again, mamma?”

Bucky whines and nods. “This time,” he begs. “Please, please. Do it.”

The two of them share a bond, and that’s probably the main reason why Steve’s able to tell what he means.

He doesn’t disappoint, either, fucking him smoothly right into another orgasm and timing it perfectly. As soon as Bucky’s body goes rigid and his breath stutters in his throat, Steve’s biting down hard over his bondmark, breaking the skin and piercing the swollen glands beneath. Bucky sobs and comes harder and longer than he has in a long time, crying from how impossibly good it feels.

It’s compounded by the sudden groan that Steve lets out and the rapid inflation of his knot, as the bite sets him off as well: “Nngh!”

While Steve is stuck inside him and lost to his own pleasure, Bucky’s able to rock himself to one more, toe-curlingly delicious orgasm before he finally lets himself go boneless on the bed, fully sated. He knows when Steve is done coming, because the alpha becomes more attentive again, his hands running over Bucky like he’s checking him for injuries sustained. If Bucky hadn’t just come four times, he might've been able to spare a chuckle over it. “Hey,” he says instead. “M’fine, babe.”

“Yeah?” Steve sounds pleased. He gives his hips a lazy roll against Bucky’s ass and nuzzles his freshly-bitten bondmark, groaning at the pheromones that hit him. He licks a big, fat swipe over it with his tongue, groaning and making Bucky hiss. “Mmm," he murmurs. "You’re bleeding."

“Duh.” 

Steve growls. “Be nice to your Alpha,” he Voices, and  Bucky shivers pleasantly. Steve notices the reaction and gloats. “Hmm. Maybe we should start biting more often.”

“How often?” Bucky’s halfway through a yawn as he says it, and he feels Steve shrug against his back. 

“Once a month?”

He chokes. “Steve!”

“What?” Steve’s snickering. “I like a well-scarred bondmark. S’romantic.” 

“It’s fucking primeval is what it is, you caveman.” Bucky scolds, rolling his eyes. He clenches down purposefully hard on Steve’s knot, smiling at the surprised—Hngnn!—he gets for it. “We already do it on our anniversary every year.”

“And sometimes on Valentine’s,” Steve supplies.

“Exactly. Any more than that and people’ll think we have a fetish.”

“Well, maybe we do,” he purrs, kissing the bite. “And it is what the medical professionals are recommending, after all.”

“Ha, yeah.” 

“... You’re really okay though?” Steve checks. “None of that bothered you? The Voicing, or the—”

“Shh. No. I loved it.” Bucky lets his eyes fall closed. He can still feel his pulse thrumming beneath his skin, bringing the delicious ache and throb of his glands to the forefront. “Every part of it,” he sighs.

Steve laces their fingers together. “Good. ‘Cause I take doctor's orders very seriously, you know.” He rumbles deep in his chest and gives a dirty grind against their tie. “We gotta keep you healthy, Buck. Gotta make sure you’re properly … stimulated.” 

“You suck so bad,” Bucky groans. “Your permission to know my medical information is rescinded.”

“Aw, don’t be that way. I can dick you down again in like, an hour, if you want? Probably. Two hours, tops.”

Bucky yawns, humming as he pretends to consider it. “Tempting offer, but how ‘bout you cuddle me ‘till I pass out, instead?” he says, because he really does think the other night was a fluke, and that he’s destined to be awakened by a baby monitor within the next few hours. Steve wraps his strong arms around him and pulls them to lie on their sides. They spoon like that and enjoy the closeness while they wait for Steve’s knot to go down. Bucky gets goosebumps when Steve starts caressing lazily up and down his side. “Mm, that’s nice.”

“Mmhm.” Steve slots his fingers into the trigger points for the prosthetic. “Let’s take this off,” he whispers, kissing the shell of his ear. 

It’s Bucky’s fucked up ear—a place where he’s usually squirmy and uncomfortable about Steve touching, let alone kissing, but right now it doesn’t bother him at all. Too many endorphins surging through his system, he supposes.

“Okay,” he agrees, since he doesn’t really love sleeping with the arm on anyway (he’s got this paranoia that one day he’ll sleep-punch Steve in the middle of a nightmare or something), and then lies there and listens to the sounds that the arm makes as it’s triggered to disengage from his body. He can’t actually feel anything other than some vague, mechanical movements deep in the arm’s very internal workings. It doesn’t hurt. And then it comes off, a sudden release of weight and tension that Bucky hadn’t even realized was there. He moans quietly at the feeling. “Nnh. Thanks Stevie.”

“You’re welcome.” Steve sets the arm out of the way and resumes his gentle stroking and caressing along Bucky's side, venturing up higher to where the anchor site for the arm begins, implanted permanently into his body.

Bucky can sense his husband looking down at it, can feel the pads of his fingers exploring thoughtfully over the texture of scars and metal edging. He sighs, feeling wistful. “Do you ever wonder what it would’ve been like, if we’d met before?”

Behind him, Steve stills. He’s quiet for a long moment, and just when Bucky thinks he’s not going to answer at all, his caressing starts back up again and he hooks his chin over Bucky’s shoulder. “Sometimes, in a general way," he admits. "But then ... it wouldn't be the you I fell in love with, would it? We wouldn’t be us.” He worms his other arm under his waist and hugs them closer together. “Maybe we’d have less nightmares between the two of us, less therapy,"

Bucky snorts.

"But I wouldn’t choose anything but this. Nothing would be the same if we hadn't met the way we did, y'know? You probably would’ve stayed in college, focused on your career, maybe put off kids too long. I wouldn't have joined Shield, Peggy wouldn't have moved away.” He kisses the ruined edge of Bucky’s ear again, so tender and slow that Bucky knows he’s doing it intentionally. “Just think: Becca wouldn’t exist. And we wouldn’t have Sarah or Gabe, 'cause you and I never would’ve met.”

“We might’ve.”

“Mm, doubtful.” 

Bucky grumbles, displeased at that hypothetical, and Steve hugs him and coos in agreement, “Shh. I know, I know. That would be awful. I’m just saying: you can’t trade the good for the bad. It’s a package deal. And you know what? I’m happy with my package.” He seals his mouth to the fresh bite wound and gives a powerful suck, popping off with a wet sound and a pleased growl. “Very very happy with my package.”

Bucky’s too gooey and in love and fucked out to get the delivery just right, but he at least manages to wiggle his butt against their tie and mutter out a tired but saucy little, “Mmm, yeah. I like your package, too.”

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@nekoannie-chan I saw you queue fics so I thought I'd apply 😊

[enviedear]

😀

if i get one more ask about why there’s so much smut instead of angst/fluff in the jace tag i’m going to scream. maybe because smut fics are the main fics getting traction? maybe because it’s all i ever get asks for? i can’t speak for other writers but i know my ask box. i’m just so tired of seeing complaint after complain in the tags or in my asks—while simultaneously—no interaction happens for the type of fics a majority of people are complaining for.

also the way in which asks are phrased now is just vile. i’ve had people come into my ask box demanding fics, sending multiple of the same requests because i “didn’t get to it quickly enough”, and shit talk other writers and my own mutuals. it’s all so tired.

eventually the people doing all of this are going to be ostracized from this little sliver of the fandom because we’re just going to block you. this is for fun, for whimsy, for joy. if you don’t like what someone writes—block them. if you don’t like the way they characterize the character—block them. there’s actually no other option than that. i cannot control what others write, it actually, literally, has nothing to do with me!

i like brain dumping and using words so i write fics, i love interacting with people who also enjoy the same media as me, i love reading other peoples fics—but as of recent it just feels like a lost cause, because no matter what we do, there are complaints.

i’m genuinely not calling out anyone in particular, most of the issues i’ve had have been with anons and handled privately (y’all know i don’t post hate, i never have. i never will) but it’s very disheartening to see jace nation become this clusterfuck of complaints.

i think, as a writer, it’s nice to have some genuine constructive dialogue about what i put out—but when it’s begins to get mean i have to tap out.

and again, to reiterate, if you see a fic that you do not personally agree with (babe i’ve been there, i honestly think we all have at one point) block them. don’t go to another users ask box to try and stir up drama. i have never, in the four years i’ve had this account, interacted with any. i don’t like it, simple as that. other writers may be different but this is my boundary. i’m literally one person on a blog with a full time job i swear i do not have the time or mental capacity to police this hellsite.

other than that you’re all quite lovely and i’m sorry that some bad interactions have kinda turned me away from writing for the time being :( i know most of the people that follow me are only here with pure intentions and for shared community, so please don’t feel like my ask box is a scary place! i’m still here if you need me, you can still send requests (nicely please), and all your jace thoughts! i just hope this may curb some of the negativity in my asks/blog at least.

[woniverse-writes]

Some of my pet peeves in fanfiction (sharing this because I can and I’m bored)

these are just my opinions. If you disagree, frankly I don’t care but these are things that annoy me. I’ve read a lot of fanfiction in the last few years, so this is just what my taste has developed into. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions though, so these are just things that I PERSONALLY don’t like when reading fics.

(This is kinda long. sorry lol)

Tagging unrelated subjects

If I search something for Bada Lee, I don’t wanna see something about Jam Republic

Unless both of them are in the post, then duh

I don’t care if I like both of them, I’m searching for a specific thing so why would I want to find something else

And I mean specifically if I look up one person, and I’m met with a post for someone else, but the person I’m searching for is still tagged for no reason

I don’t care if you’re trying to get reach, I think it’s annoying

ESPECIALLY if you’re tagging someone or something that’s completely unrelated

I’ve literally blocked people for saying they do it for reach- sorry but you’re really fucking annoying

Poorly written conflict

Fight scenes coming out of nowhere especially physical fights

I just read a fic where the reader slapped the person for no reason, like- girl wtf

And another one where the person it was about showed up out of nowhere and punched this person and knocked them out because they were jealous

Like- I get it, it’s all fake, but can we be a little realistic please 😭

This one feels a little mean, but poor grammar

If it’s once every now and then it doesn’t bother me, cuz even native speakers mess up their own language

But constantly using the wrong tense or spelling of a word really makes it hard for me to immerse myself

But again that’s just me personally

Misspelling and idols name

Girl I’m sorry but how are you gonna write about someone and not know how to spell their name correctly🧍‍♀️

Google is free babe

Changing the POV every other sentence

It throws me off so bad when I’m reading and the reader is referred to as “she/he/they” and then it suddenly switches up to “you” like- just pick one and stick with it plz

And don’t even get me started me started with first person povs- I will simply not read it, I’m sorry

Rushed relationships

Especially when it comes to enemies to lovers

I hate, hate, HATE when the pairing will meet each other and then be romantically involved like a week later

Or specifically in enemies to lovers, they hate each other for three years, and then the second they show one tiny ounce of anything other than hatred, the reader has forgotten everything

Again it’s just not realistic to me and it makes it hard for me to enjoy

Fluffy language

Like- over describing things and making it try to seem so much more descriptive

Or when coming up with nicknames

Unless it’s written satirically and meant to be cringy and weird on purpose, I can’t stand it

It just makes me cringe and I literally will not finish reading

Smut written but people that have no idea what they’re talking about

If you’ve never read smut, you probably shouldn’t write smut

Unless you’ve like- had sexual experiences

I’m just really picky with smut specifically

I’ve just read (and not finished reading) so many fics written by people that are either clearly underage and trying to sound like they’re adults, or from people that sound like they’re trying too hard

I promise you- we don’t need the 12 different descriptors of how the pussy feels in one sentence

Not understanding the person/character you’re writing about

I get this more if you’re doing a request for someone and you maybe don’t know them as much

But if you’re a fan of a group or show, how are you not gonna know the person you’re writing about…

Like just missing key factors in their personality

OR

zeroing in on ONLY certain factors of their personality and throwing away the rest of it

Some big ones I notice are people not knowing how to write for Ni-ki from enhypen and Hao from zerobaseone

[thomasschabot]

help me celebrate my birthday with bingo!!

hi pals!!!

this year for my birthday i want you to help my wish of reading all day by the fire come true, so i created a writing bingo card. guidelines and such below 🥰

the object of the game is to yell bingo! while i curated the card so each unbroken line of five would create a dynamic story, as long as five spaces are in there somewhere you’re good to go

word minimum is 1,500. it’s nothing too crazy or undoable, and will allow you to include all your prompts without feeling rushed

please no smut! some steaminess is okay but don’t take it farther than that, it makes me very uncomfortable

reader insert or oc is fine with me! do what makes your heart happy

the only people i refuse to read fic for are known assholes and mat barzal. do not write for them because i will not read it. not sorry

in an author’s note or addendum please include the spaces you’re completing! no need to insert a picture of the card (though you certainly may), this will just help me know what people were drawn to the most

you can write and post whenever you would like! i’ll be reblogging them all december 28, 2022, starting at around 9:00am est. to make sure i see it tag me and use #c’sbirthdaybingo (i’ll be tracking the tag!!). if i like your fic but don’t reblog it right away it’s because i’m bookmarking it for the special day :)

every bingo fic will get in depth feedback!!! you’re all gifting me wonderful little prezzies and i want to return the favour by doing something nice

without further ado here’s the card!!!!

i’m super excited to see what everyone creates!! have fun babes xxx

⭒⭑⭒⭑

some tags for friends or those who may be interested in writing or reading: @matthewtkachuk @antoineroussel @senditcolton @laurenairay @bb-nhlqueen7 @toplinetommy @blueskrugs @hotanddistraught​ @broadstbroskis​ @raysofcrosby​ @matbaerzal​ @youngbeezer​

[darkestcorners]

polarity | 02 yandere!jungkook au

pairing: yandere!jungkook x reader {f}

genre: yandere

warnings: 18+ , toxic relationships, unhealthy and obsessive behavior, smut, mentions of mental health, manipulation, blackmail, cheating, ( TW: con non-con touching ( extreme, please don’t read if you’re uncomfortable with these themes )

word count: 13.2k

summary: Your best friend’s new boyfriend becomes infatuated with you...

Playlist

Parts: 01 l 02 | 03 | ❅ CS | 03 JK | 04 | 05 | 06

tag list:  @min-nicoleee  @moekoi02  @mawwnsterr @1-in-abillion , @envyvyvy  @brutallysour00 @mwitsmejk  @e-uph0r1a  @lolalee24 , @sunshyngal  @kyuinfpt​

A/N; This chapter was foul in so many ways. Anyways, thank you guys so much  all the support and comments on the first part! I’m sorry I couldn’t reply to any of them (this is a side blog i made impulsively to post that fic and i didn’t think it would get as much attention as it did ) so yeah i’m sorry i cant directly reply to comments. i’m not sure if i’m making a final part yet, im kinda debating if i should end it like this but you guys let me know your thoughts?? hope you enjoy:) also I apologize if anything looks funky, my computer is acting up 😍

The situation unwrapping in front of you felt like a fever dream. You could feel tightness in your chest at the sight of your friend’s eyes on you. You were sure she couldn’t have been thinking something inappropriate, I mean truthfully it would be insanely out of character for you to begin with. However, you almost considered telling her everything right in that moment, pleading her for forgiveness and to get you away from the psychopath that sat next to you. But Jungkook’s warning rang inside your head, serving as an ugly reminder of the consequences of what your impulsive actions would bring. The worst part was how much you believed him, your mind racing with possibilities on just how wrong things could go.

You couldn’t help but think this was entirely your fault. If your feelings for Eunji hadn’t been so obvious then maybe you would have never been in this situation. You couldn’t begin to explain exactly how observant Jungkook was to have noticed the way you acted around her immediately, it was almost humiliating how easily he had wrapped you around his finger. Another part of you wondered if Eunji truly didn’t realize how you felt about her or if she had simply ignored it. The latter was mortifying to even think about, you couldn’t handle that embarrassment.

“Jungkook gave me a ride.” You didn’t realize you had been holding your breath, your voice trembling. You knew it didn’t sound convincing at all, your face probably giving away the distressed state you were in. A small part of you almost hoped your friend didn’t believe you.

“I saw her walking home from the cafe, she looked upset so I offered to give her a ride.” Jungkook interjected, his voice holding the same concern it did when he had asked you if you were okay moments ago. It deeply concerned you how someone could put on a different facade so easily.

A look of understanding crossed Eunji’s face quickly followed by pity. 

Right, she probably already suspected how the job interview had gone. If only she knew that was the least of your worries now.

“That was sweet of you, babe.” She said, eyes focusing back on you as she gave you a small smile. “ You’re soaking, Y/n. We should go inside and get you out of those clothes.”

It was then you had barely noticed Eunji’s attire. She wore a dark colored dress that hugged her figure nicely, her perfectly styled hair and makeup made her look even more stunning than usual. It was clear he was picking her up for a date, a thought that once would have made you envy Eunji’s lover but now you only feared for her instead. It looks like you had been right all along, your friend did have shit taste in men. 

You nodded, eager to get away from the man next to you. You still felt like you were about to pass out and your legs didn’t feel like they were attached to your body anymore. 

“I hope you feel better, Y/n.” Jungkook stated softly but you didn’t even dare to look his way. You were sure you would break down if you did, his mere presence made you feel suffocated. The image of the charming guy willing to help you was long gone. 

“Thanks.” You replied, quickly unbuckling your seatbelt and just about stumbling out of the car. You barely noticed it had stopped raining. The sky was still filled with dark clouds, the chilly air hitting your face and making you shiver even more in your damp clothes.

“Babe I’m sorry , Y/n gets a little worked up in public.” Your friend explained as you stepped behind her. She had her body leaned inside his car, back facing you but you didn’t need to know the look she was giving him. The scene reminding you of what a parent would sound like when their child embarrassed them. You felt a sting of betrayal at the realization your friend had probably vented to Jungkook about your issues numerous times before.

“Don’t worry, she shouldn’t feel bad about it.” You heard Jungkook say in response, he sounded so genuine and understanding that you really wondered if what he was saying was something he believed or just a part of his twisted act.

“Make sure she gets out of those clothes before she gets sick.” He added in a more worried tone as he caught your gaze once again, sending you a tight lipped warm smile. 

What an actor, if you weren’t so petrified at the moment you would have complimented his skills. 

“It’s okay, I can change myself. You go on.” You persisted, knowing you were trying your hardest not to shed tears. That would soon change once you got to the safety of your room, you needed to get away from her before your emotions got the best of you. 

“Are you sure? Let me walk you to the door at least.”Eunji said as she studied your face, her hand coming to squeeze your shoulder. You shook your head despite her sweet action, you really didn’t deserve her. 

“No really,  I don’t want to make you late for your date.” You assured her, already starting to take a step back. “ I’m fine.” 

Eunji still looked hesitant but she nodded. 

” Alright, text me later. Love you.” 

—

You had been avoiding Eunji as much as you possibly could. It had been a week since the car incident, the horrible memory haunting you every moment of the day. Some days you wondered if you had just imagined it all, it didn’t even sound real in your head. There were many times you had come close to telling your friend everything and praying she would believe you but the crippling fear stopped you everytime.

 Besides, you felt as if it would be even more unbelievable now that so many days had passed, why would you randomly admit that to Eunji? She would question why you wouldn’t have said anything right away. It sounded like an obvious lie. It sounded exactly like what Jungkook had threatened you with. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you knew how cornered you were. You had dug yourself into an even bigger hole by remaining silent this whole time.

 Most of your days now consisted of being tucked away in the small library a few streets down from your apartment building. You avoided spending much time in the apartment, fearing you would run into Jungkook knowing how much he came over to visit your friend. You had also avoided hanging out with her anywhere, giving her the excuse that you were studying hard for your upcoming exams. Of course she didn’t question you much, you were the type to indulge in studies a lot of the time and she knew you didn’t like going out much. That much had been easy but still, you felt as if you were completely separating yourself from her life and you were lying if you said it didn’t hurt you. 

Some part of you was convinced that if you managed to disconnect yourself from her life as much as possible, Jungkook’s sick fascination with you would disappear. You figured it must be some type of kink he had, perhaps he just enjoyed being a cheater and having another girl on the side, even if that girl was his girlfriend’s best friend.

Of course you had also just considered contacting the police but what type of evidence did you even have? Jungkook was wealthy, it would be idiotic to even think you could go up against him in a courtroom. And what did you even have to defend yourself with? Your word? It meant nothing. The thought of having to go through with a police report alone made you panic. You didn’t even want to imagine the look on Eunji’s face if she found out you wanted to press charges against her beloved boyfriend. After saying all those nice things about him just a week ago? She would think you were bat shit crazy. 

You couldn’t say you would even blame her, you weren’t even sure you would believe yourself if you were in her shoes either. The thought of Eunji turning against you was something you couldn’t seem to accept.

  Losing her wasn’t an option.

“Miss?” You looked up from your textbook . The voice came from a guy standing next to you, you had made sure to find the most reclusive spot in the library which hadn’t been that hard to begin with, the place was pretty small and fairly empty most of the time.

“Sorry, we’re closing soon.” He gave you a regretful smile, it sat pleasantly on his handsome face. Your face heats up in embarrassment.

“Right, sorry I lost track of time.” You began to gather your things in a swift manner, shoving everything inside your bag as you took a quick look at your phone. It was indeed getting late, you wondered how long you had been in here just staring blankly at a textbook , knowing damn well you hadn’t studied one bit.

“You’ve come here a lot this week, haven’t you?” The boy asked curiously and you noticed the name tag on his shirt. Hoseok.

“Yeah, just studying for some exams.” A lot was probably an understatement, you’ve practically lived inside this place for days now. It’s no wonder the workers had taken notice already considering there was hardly anyone else here.

“You must be a diligent student then.” He grinned, flashing his perfect teeth. You might have taken some interest in the attractive boy in front of you if your mind wasn’t so preoccupied with horrifying thoughts that seemed to eat at you every second of the day. 

“I guess you can say that.” You gave him a nervous smile and stood up, scrunching your hands up into a fist. Another nervous habit you couldn’t seem to break. You wondered if Eunji was back home yet. She had mentioned she was making dinner tonight and wanted you to join her, a thought that would have once been more than appealing to you but now just made you sick to your stomach. The guilt and fear of it all didn’t let you relax around her.

“Well, I’ll look forward to seeing a pretty girl everyday now. Have a nice day.” The boy, Hoseok, commented. The grin still on his face before he walked off and you were left at awe at his words. You were unable to hide the smile that formed on your lips but you quickly shook it off and headed out the door. The sun was starting to disappear but at least it wasn’t raining today.

The walk was short for the most part but you had tried your best to walk as slowly as possible in order to buy some time, letting your eyes get distracted at all the shops you passed by. But at last, it was time to go home and you silently prayed you could get just a bit of good sleep tonight. You were convinced you were starting to look like a walking corpse, the bags under your eyes still visible after coating them was some concealer this morning.

 Before you knew it , you were inside the apartment elevators and you pressed your floor number, eyes scanning over the screen that displayed the increasing numbers. The doors finally opened and you rushed down the long dimly lit hallway, stopping right in front of your door.

As you slid the door open, you instantly saw Eunji sitting behind the kitchen counter, she turned head to you and gave you a bright smile.

“Y/n! Come join us! “ Us? You knitted your eyebrows at her words and felt your stomach drop as you stepped closer, Jungkook’s figure coming into view. He was standing right across from your friend at the other side of the counter. He wore a simple black button shirt, sleeves rolled up once again to his elbows as they usually were, his black jeans completing his all dark attire. It displayed his larger build. He looked more his age today, and like the son of a wealthy business owner. It somehow made him look even more intimidating. 

“Jungkook made dinner, you came just in time. It’s delicious.” Eunji bragged as the strong scent of chicken hit your nostrils, you had been hungry just a few seconds ago but now your appetite was nowhere to be found. Jungkook’s eyes fell on you , taking in your whole figure that still stood by the door.

This is exactly what you had been dreading. You officially had the worst luck, if maybe you had managed to stay longer anywhere else then maybe he would have left before you arrived. You knew you were being ridiculous. You should have known this was going to happen sooner or later, although it had happened a lot sooner than you expected. It was stupid of you to think you could avoid him forever, they were a couple after all and you knew how fond of him Eunji was, clingy even. For god's sake, she thought you were fond of him as well. Words couldn’t describe how much you regretted ever approving of him and even telling her that you liked him.

“Y/n?” Eunji asked with a chuckle, staring at your unmoving stance. Jungkook raised an eyebrow at you before he pushed a plate of food at the end of the counter.

“I made you a plate, come sit.” He stated, his tone light as if finding your stiff state humorous. But you knew better.

“I-I’m not really hungry, I just ate.” You blurted out, giving them both a sheepish smile and patted your stomach in an attempt to look more convincing. You watched Jungkook’s stare turn unwelcoming in a matter of seconds, his eyes picking you apart. It was obvious at that moment that he knew you had been trying to actively avoid him all week.

“Really? You told me you hadn’t eaten when I texted you.” Your friend asked, frowning a bit. 

You wanted to bash your head against a wall. 

You had told her that earlier while you were still at the library when she was  checking up to see if you still wanted to eat dinner with her.

“Yeah but I got something on the way, you know how stressed I’ve been with school.” You reasoned, heart beating faster by the second. You really needed to go to your room.

“Yes but can’t you join us for just a little?” Eunji asked, glancing back at her boyfriend. “ I mean it’s a bit rude not to , Jungkook made an extra plate just for you.”

“I agree, it’s quite rude not to accept my offer.” Jungkook said in a  playfully upset tone as he pouted. The sight would have been cute and amusing if you didn’t know the true character hidden underneath.

You were trapped. 

“Okay.” You sighed, completely defeated. You supposed it was better that your friend was here, knowing Jungkook couldn’t do much with her present. You slowly walked forward and took a seat next to Eunji, staring down at the plate of chicken and rice, with some type of pasta on the side. It indeed did look appetizing and you forced yourself to temporarily ignore the situation around you as you picked up your fork in hesitation.

“It looks good.” You complimented, voice so low that you wondered if either of them had heard you but Jungkook’s heavy stare and smile that came afterwards was enough confirmation that he did. He almost looked normal again, the sweet boyish smile back on his face and eyes twinkling at you.

“Right? I didn’t know you were such a good cook, babe.” Eunji expressed. “ My cooking looks even more embarrassing now.”

Jungkook smirked in response but he looked distracted, his attention had shifted to you entirely and he started to look fairly bored at what your friend was rambling about. You yourself had blocked most of it out but due to a completely different reason. You ate in silence, hating how good the food actually was. It was probably the first decent meal you have had in a while, you didn’t have much of an appetite lately.

“So, how’s studying been going?” Eunji asked as you swallowed the last bit of your food.

“Pretty good.” 

“You look tired, what exams are you studying for?” Jungkook chimed in and you met his scrutinizing stare once again. You were starting to think he could see right through every one of your lies.

“Psychology, and for an English course too.” You lied, adding a bit more volume to your voice. You hoped it didn’t leave any more room for questioning. 

Jungkook stared at you, seeming to contemplate your answer before nodding.

“Y/n is a bit of a nerd. Although, lately she’s been focused on her studies more than usual.” Eunji commented, raising an eyebrow at you in suspicion. “Maybe the library isn’t where you run off to all day? Meeting with someone perhaps?”

“No, none of that.” You forced a laugh, trying to sound as casual as ever.

“Of course not, it would take a miracle for you to actually get with someone.” 

It was the same playful banter you had shared with her as always but you noticed how Jungkook narrowed his eyes slightly at your friend’s last comment, shoulders slightly tensing up. You awkwardly shifted your gaze back down to your plate.  

The tension was so thick in the air you could feel it.

Did Eunji feel it too? You hoped she did but you knew your friend wasn’t the best at noticing social cues. You wished for once that she would be as observant as her insane boyfriend, maybe then she would have noticed how uncomfortable you were. 

“Well if you guys will excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom real quick.” Your friend announced, hopping off her seat and leaning over to give a quick kiss to her boyfriend and you turned away, not even thinking you could stand the sight of them displaying any kind of affection anymore. 

Your heart sank at the sight of her disappearing down the hallway and you almost called out to her to come back. This night truly couldn’t be worse.

“What kind of ice cream flavor do you want, baby?” Jungkook asked casually once Eunji was completely gone. You watched as he lazily opened the freezer, eyes trailing over the tattoos covering his built arms. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.

“Don’t call me that.” You snapped in a low whisper, turning your head towards the small hallway. 

“She can’t hear us.” He assured taking out the two tubs of ice cream and setting them on the counter, effortlessly opening the lids.

“I don’t care.” You said and you watched his head tilt as he stopped his movement. He sighed and let the spoon fall from his hand, you flinched as  stepped closer, leaning his upper body over the counter. A loud gasp left your lips as he grasped your chin, his grip wasn’t painful but the sudden action made you nearly stumble off your seat.

“Don’t be like that, you won’t like what I’ll do if you keep that attitude up.” He whispered, his thumb brushing over your lips. “You’ve already upset me with how much you’ve been avoiding me.”

You swallowed, your breathing starting to quicken. You were still hoping he hadn’t taken notice of that and simply did think you were doing some intense studying.

“What?” He asked, eyes taking in your reaction as he tilted your chin up even more, forcing your eyes to meet his.

“Did you really think I believed that studying lie?” He asked, a smile slowly forming on his lips. “Cute.”

You struggled against his grip, tears already starting to form. You hated how sensitive you were , the anxiety building up in your stomach wasn’t helping either.

“What do you want from me?” You demanded. He almost looked offended that you had even asked that, eyebrows knitting together.

“What do you mean?” He asked, his tone genuinely coated in confusion.

“I want you of course. Why would you even ask that, Y/n?” He said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. It sent chills down your spine, if anything that had left you even more confused. You let out a choked sob that you had been holding in for days now, the reality of your situation was sinking in.

“Shh, don’t cry baby.” Jungkook hushed you, quickly wiping away the tears that fell down your face. “Everything is fine.”

Everything was far from fine but you forced yourself to stop in fear of Eunji hearing you, quickly wiping off your tears. You took a deep breath, hoping it would calm your heartbeat that felt as if it was about to jump out of your chest. You felt hot and sweaty, it was getting hard to normalize your breathing.

“Calm down, you’re getting worked up.” Jungkook pulled away, reaching over  for a glass of water that sat on the counter and swiftly bringing it over to you as he made his way next to you. He guided the cup to your lips as you took hurried sips. You felt his hand brush over your hair, in what you assumed was an attempt to comfort you but all you felt was fear.

“Y/n, you have to calm down. “ He whispered, breath hot against your ear as his hand continued to caress your hair but you heard the slight warning in his tone. He didn’t want you making a sudden scene.

What the hell was taking Eunji so long in that bathroom?

“Where’s your phone?” He asked, eyes traveling down to where your bag sat beside you.

“Why?” It was stupid of you to even ask, clearly knowing why he wanted it. He raised an eyebrow and wordlessly reached over to get your bag, you watched in silence as he dug through it, instantly finding it and taking the device out from the front pocket.

You wanted to protest but you shut your mouth, eyes following as he typed away, you made a mental note to actually lock your phone next time as you dumbly realized you didn’t have a passcode set up. Once he was done, he set your phone back down in front of you and walked back around the counter, returning back to scooping up the ice cream.

“Now, what flavor did you want?” He asked again. He looked so sweet, sounded so domestic.

He truly was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

“Strawberry.” You mumbled, staring down at your hands. You heard him shuffling , scooping out the ice cream and setting it into a bowl. In that same moment, you heard Eunji emerge from the bathroom, her footsteps getting louder as she walked down the hallway.

“Oh! Ice cream!” She beamed, eyes lighting up at the sight of Jungkook making the dessert. You wanted to scream at her for help, so oblivious to who she had invited into her life, into our home. But as always you kept silent, flashing her a smile as she sat back next to you.

—

Jungkook continued to torment you throughout the weeks, harassing you through text messages and demanding you communicate with him. It felt as if you were in an actual horror film at this point. You felt paranoid every time you stepped out of your apartment, expecting him to just pop out of any corner. You knew he was keeping tabs on you, his stalking was a constant reminder of how much control he had over you. You couldn’t even deny it anymore, he slowly had become your shadow and you were growing afraid of how far he was willing to take this little sick game of his. You thought that somehow this could be some type of mind game he was purposely torturing you with to fulfill some kind of revenge. But you couldn’t figure out his motive, why would he dislike you that much? You had barely known him. You kept your mind on that theory in order to distract it from the exact opposite thought that lingered in your head. Because if it wasn’t a revenge plot, it was certainly the opposite and you weren’t sure which was more terrifying. 

To make things worse, in the midst of all this your friend only seemed to grow more obsessed with Jungkook by the day. She would talk about him at every chance she could with you, about how amazing and perfect he was. How she had never met someone like him before. 

The other night she had even confessed to you that she might be in love with him.

In any other case, this news would have absolutely broken you. The insane amount of jealousy would have ate you up because despite your friend having had plenty of past relationships, you knew she had never actually came close to falling deeply in love. It caused that ugly emotion to settle within you once again, that Jungkook of all people would be the one to invoke those emotions in her.

Life was indeed cruel.

But your own selfish jealousy didn’t even matter at this point, the deep concern over her own well being was what worried you most. You couldn’t let Eunji fall in love with that psychopath.

You soon realized how hard it would be to get yourself out of this situation. You had successfully refused to facetime or call Jungkook, claiming that Eunji would hear you from her room. It was in fact very possible, you knew how nosy your friend could be and you more than anyone knew how thin these walls were with the visits Jungkook made to her room. You couldn’t risk it, what excuse would you give? There was no reason why you should be talking to Jungkook on the phone or why he had your number to begin with. Any other times, you had simply used the excuse that you were in class and couldn’t pick up his calls. However, escaping Jungkook wouldn’t be that easy, it was clear to you he was growing tired of it all. 

His passive aggressive texts were enough of a warning. 

From Jungkook: I’m a patient man, baby. But don’t test your luck too much.

You stared down at the text, not even wanting to find out what he meant by that.  Instead of replying, you shoved your phone back into your bag and focused your attention back to the textbook in front of you. You shut your eyes briefly, letting out a long sigh in frustration. If you thought you were drained before, it was nothing compared to now. You felt like you were starting to lose some of your sanity.

Why couldn’t he just leave you alone?

“You don’t look so good.” You blinked up at the familiar voice, the same cute library guy stood in front of you. Hoseok. A curious expression on his face as he raised an eyebrow at you.

Considering you didn’t even bother to hide your eye bags anymore, you could confirm you indeed didn’t look so hot these days. 

“Uh, yeah just tired.” You smiled, pointing towards your textbook.

“Still studying for those exams?”

“Not really but I need something to distract myself with.” You admitted, biting the side of your lip. You didn’t even know why you had said that, it wasn’t like you were going to tell him why you were so stressed. “ Yeah, you know, it’s just my best friend’s crazy boyfriend who’s obsessed with me and won't stop harassing me all day. Same old same old.”

“What’s got you so worked up?” He asks with a chuckle and turns to take a seat in front of you. The books in his hands that you assumed he was on the way to arrange somewhere in the library were long forgotten as he placed them on the table beside you.

“You know, just life.” You lied with a shrug, well it wasn’t exactly a lie. Your life was pretty shit at the moment.

“Right,” Hoseok grinned but before continuing. “Well, instead of distracting yourself with such boring stuff, why don’t we grab coffee sometime?”

Was he asking you out? You instantly felt your cheeks warm up. Life was truly playing a sick game with you. The first time someone manages to show interest in you after a while, it has to be when you’re dealing with such an insane situation. 

“Coffee?” You repeated as he nodded slowly, staring expectantly. 

“I think-”

“Y/n.” 

You stilled as you heard the voice behind you that had cut you off. That voice.

It couldn’t be.

You slowly turned your head and let out a curse. Jungkook was making his way towards you, his expression disclosed no emotion at first but as soon as he approached you, a sickeningly sweet smile took over his lips. 

“Baby, you didn’t answer my last text. Are you ready to go?” He asked casually as he stared down at you, you felt his hand brush the back of your shoulder as he gave it a light squeeze. From an outside view, this looked like a normal couple interaction and your eyes shifted over to Hoseok’s more than confused look. His questioning gaze shifted from you to the man behind you.

What the hell was he doing here? And how did he even find out where you were in the first place?

“You have a boyfriend?” Hoseok asked, sounding disappointed but also slightly offended. He was probably wondering why you didn’t mention him last time you were here when he flirted with you. You knew how it made you look and you felt a small wave of embarrassment wash over you. 

“Sorry, who are you?” Jungkook demanded, his tone flat. He was glaring daggers at the guy and Hoseok immediately took his warning and lifted himself off his seat.

“Sorry man, didn’t know she was taken.” Hoseok lifted both his hands up in defense and swiftly picked up the books that he had left on the table before turning on his heel.

“Wait-” You started but Hoseok was long gone, he had practically speed walked away from you two and turned a corner, getting lost down the many book aisles. 

“If you’re done mingling with the library boy, we better get going.” Jungkook stated, clear annoyance coating his tone. You stared back up at him in disbelief, not knowing what could have possessed him to pull that scene.

“What are you doing here?” You hissed, flinching back away from him and causing him to drop the hand on your shoulder.

“Picking you up, we are going to my place.” He replied, not seeming phased by your hostile reaction to him. “I’m cooking you a special dinner.”

The way he could act so nonchalantly about this was astonishing to you. He was treating your relationship as if it was the most normal thing in the world and as if he wasn’t quite literally cheating on your best friend.

“I can’t go today, I have class in a couple minutes.” You reasoned with a softer tone, hoping he would take the bait and leave. It was naive to assume  that because he instantly let out a low chuckle and rolled his eyes.

“Baby, I know your schedule. Why would you even bother lying to me?” You gritted your teeth at his words. It had been dumb of you but you had to give it a shot at least.

“Let’s go.” He helped you pick up your textbook and took your bag as you stood up. The action was so gentlemanly that you again concluded he would have been the ideal boyfriend in another lifetime. Preferably one where he wasn’t absolutely demented. 

You followed silently behind him as he opened the door of the library, motioning you to go first. You didn’t even bother giving him a glance as you walked outside, the sun was about to set and it coated the sky in beautiful orange hues. You caught sight of the familiar black vehicle parked right in front of you. Jungkook’s shoulder brushed yours as he made his way over to it, opening up the passenger door and raising an eyebrow your way. Your legs wobbled as you hopped inside, the flashbacks of that day already starting to flood back into your mind. You didn’t want to be in this car with him again but luck was not on your side today. It hadn’t been since you met him.

Before you could protest otherwise, Jungkook leans over and clicks on your seatbelt for you.You tried not to jump when the door closed beside you and your eyes were glued on him as he strided over to the other side of the car and got in. You decide to ignore him the entire drive, turning your head completely towards the window.  His presence unsettled you more each time you saw him. If Jungkook was upset by this, he didn’t showcase it. The drive was a good 40 minutes long and that wasn’t exactly shocking considering the fact that you knew he lived a good amount of distance from your apartment building. 

The area you were in now was admittedly much nicer than your own and you forced yourself to not gawk at the luxurious buildings and cars that surrounded you. Jungkook drives into an underground parking lot and before you know it, you’re walking into a brightly lit elevator that takes you about 12 floors up. The long luminous hallway made you feel nauseous and lightheaded all at the same time.

Jungkook opens the door for you and you force yourself to hold in a gasp at the sight in front of you. This apartment, or more like a penthouse, was another irritating reminder of Jungkook’s wealth. The dark lacquered marble floors and painted black walls seemed to mock you. The ceiling was accented with silver light fittings that displayed a gorgeous chandelier upon entrance. 

When Eunji mentioned Jungkook was rich, you didn’t imagine he was this loaded.

“It was my mom’s idea, I’m not a big fan of chandeliers. Too flashy.” Jungkook commented when he caught sight of you staring up at it. He locks the door behind you before setting your bag on a wall mounted coat rack next to him. 

He leads you down the hallway that reveals his equally extravagant kitchen with more black and white details accompanied with rows of dark wooden cupboards. Your casual clothing and worn out converse looked pathetic against this scenery. 

“Why are you doing this?” You felt like you had asked this question a hundred times now, not only to him but to yourself.

Jungkook turns over to you, looking mildly surprised you had finally decided to utter a word to him. ”I thought I was clear the first time.”

“I just don’t get it, why would you even pick me over her?” You wondered genuinely. He had everything with her.

Jungkook would admit your lack of self-esteem was a great advantage for him but he still found it a great shame that you didn’t think highly of yourself. It almost made him angry that you couldn’t see what he saw in you. Sure, your friend was attractive and fun and she had been a nice fuck but there was something about you that entranced him. Perhaps it was the lack of self awareness you had , how you truly didn’t notice the impact you had on people. Your secluded nature only left him wanting for more, you had an aura that was completely desirable to him. Your uninterested behavior and nervous glances that refused to meet him only seem to fuel him more.

He found it all so endearing in a way and he wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted. After all, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. But Jungkook knew you weren’t just temporary fun or a simple play thing he would soon want to get rid of. No. He was utterly obsessed with you, he didn’t even want to think of you ever slipping away from him. In his head, he had found his ideal lover, and like any other raised rich boy, he didn’t plan on ever letting his favorite prized possession go. You were his to keep and flaunt, his to take care of and love.

“Why do you find it so hard that someone would prefer you over her?” Jungkook asked, a curious look glinted in his dark eyes.

You fell silent at that.

“Is it because of your little crush on her that you haven’t gotten over?” He questioned again, this time sounding bored almost. He walked over to his stove, already starting to prepare dinner as you stood stiffly near the kitchen island.

“It’s not just a crush.” You argued, I love her. Jungkook glanced back at you, a dark look coming over his face.

“For your sake, I hope it is.” His voice was deeper now. “I’d hate to see you so heartbroken over someone who doesn’t even deserve it.”

You knitted your eyebrows at his words.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you realize the way she treats you? She doesn’t care for you as much as you think she does.” Jungkook added carefully as if he was the one who was afraid to upset you now. His words struck you and you felt your heart grow heavy. What was he even talking about? Of course she cared about you. You had been through so much together, made so many memories. 

This had to be part of his sick game and you wouldn’t let him get to you.

“She does care about me.” You stated firmly, not being able to hide the sudden anger that took over you in that moment. You watched Jungkook take in your reaction, a sour expression forming on his face as soon as the words left your mouth. His whole demeanor stiffened.

“Maybe, ” He tilted his head to the side as if considering your words before he continued. “ But she sees you as a burden. She’s told me about how much she wishes you were just normal and didn’t let your anxiety disorder rule over your life.”

His full attention seemed to be focused on the  vegetables he was chopping up on a cutting board but he sneaked a quick glance your way.

 “About how inconvenient it is to be friends with someone who can’t do simple things and let loose, someone who’s always so afraid and nervous.” 

His words felt like a stab right in the chest. You shook your head slowly, not wanting to believe him for a second.You knew Eunji , she would never say those things about you. He was just trying to pin you against your best friend. That has to be it , you couldn’t be so naive to fall for his lies.

 “You’re lying.” You accused, eyes watering as you tried to swallow down the lump that formed in your throat. You hated how easily he got you, the power he possessed to make you feel so helpless. You watched his face twist with concern when he caught sight of your teary expression and he rushed over to you, pulling you towards him. 

“Baby come on, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” His regretful tone made you actually believe him for once, his hands coming to push your head against his chest. He held you tightly as you sobbed, at this point you weren’t sure if you were just crying over what he had told you or because of the whole situation in general. 

His comfort was the last thing you wanted but in that moment you didn’t care that it was him, you pushed your face further against and gripped his shirt. This is exactly what he had wanted, you thought. To have you this vulnerable for him, you hated yourself even more for giving in. 

“I’m just telling you the truth,” He muffled into your hair. “Can't you see I’m the one that actually cares for you? You don’t need a friend like her.” 

What he said only brought more tears and he hushed you, leaving a gentle kiss on the top of your head.

“Shh, it’s okay.” You felt that lightheaded feeling return but this time it lingered and completely took over you, your vision went blurry and the last thing you heard before you fell into complete darkness was Jungkook calling out your name repeatedly in a panicked tone.

—

Your eyes squinted as you stared up at a beaming bright light. It made you groan but it slowly diminished and your eyes soon adjusted to your surroundings again, the blurry effect lasted for a few seconds making you feel disoriented. When your vision finally cleared, your eyes focused on a tall figure standing a few feet away and your brain quickly registered who it was.

“Good, you’re awake.” You heard Jungkook say as you heard the sound of faint rustling and plates clicking against each other. You slowly lifted yourself up, barely noticing you had been lying down on a beige leather couch. 

“Dinner is ready.” He announced as you saw him walk over with a tray full of food. The smell of condiments hit your nostrils and you now were fully seated up on the couch. A pounding headache greeted with your new found position.

“What happened?” You mumbled as he sat the tray on your lap. The food on the plate looked incredibly delicious and your mouth practically watered. The only thing in your stomach was a banana you had eaten in a hurry on your way out this morning. 

“You fainted, it must be because you’re not eating enough.” Jungkook scolded, handing you over a pair of chopsticks. 

Yeah, because of you, you thought bitterly.

“What time is it? I told Eunji I would be home early today.” You brought the food up to your mouth, pausing for a second to inspect it as if you would even be able to tell if he had added something to it to begin with. Jungkook noticed your hesitation and sighed.

“It’s not poisoned, Y/n.” He sounded greatly insulted that the thought had even crossed your mind. You didn’t know why, it was as if he hadn’t noticed he possessed all the traits of a literal serial killer.

You chewed slowly on your food as you watched Jungkook lay the top of his hand against your forehead, seemingly trying to tell if you had a fever. Once he was satisfied that that wasn’t the case, he disappeared down the hallway and you quickly took the time to hurriedly shove the food into your mouth. You wanted to leave as soon as possible. The conversation you had before passing out still lingered in your head and you wished it had all been nothing but a nightmare.

“I texted Eunji that you're visiting your aunt for dinner.” Jungkook stated as he walked back into the living room and your eyes widened.

“How do you know I have an aunt that lives in town?” 

“Well I didn’t until now, thank you for telling me that baby.” He grinned as he typed away on your phone and you inwardly cursed. This little fucker.

“Jungkook,” You started slowly, trying your best to keep your voice steady and calm. “This game of yours needs to stop.”

Jungkook lifted up his head at your words , pausing for a second before finishing whatever he was typing on your phone and letting it fall on the couch beside him.

“What game?” He asked and you didn’t hear any mocking in his tone. He had to be messing with you , right?

“This.” You explained, waving your hands around you. “Is this some sort of weird kink?”

Jungkook’s perplexed expression seemed to deepen and you grew more nervous by the second.

“Baby, this isn’t a game or a kink.” Jungkook replied, practically scoffing towards the end of his sentence. You stared blankly at him, not believing him. 

Well, more like you didn’t want to believe him.

There had to be a way out of this.

“I-I don’t want to do this anymore,” Your voice cracked, you were pleading with him at this point. Your eyes begging for him to listen and find some sort of empathy for you and your state. He couldn’t actually think you could keep doing this for much longer, did he? You tried to convince yourself this was just another asshole who found pleasure in having some scandalous affair.

“I can’t do this to my best friend, please.” Your hands gripped the edges of the metal tray he had given you and shakily put it aside from you, Jungkook’s eyes followed your every move intently. Like a predator watching his prey make a poor attempt at an escape.

“Please, I won’t say a thing about us to her. She wont know anything but you have to leave me alone.” You rambled on, your mind frantically searching for every reasonable thought imaginable to grasp on. “I can’t keep doing this to her, i-it’s insane. We can’t keep doing this to her, it’s wrong.”

Jungkook was silent for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Just watching you, his expression stoic. Not revealing any bit of emotion or even a hint of what he might be thinking.

“Baby,” He drawled out mockingly. “ Did you really think that would change my mind?”

“I thought you had realized by now that I don't want your friend, I want you.”

His words brought even more frustration. You felt like tugging your hair out and screaming “but why!”. It felt like a broken record at this point, you couldn’t believe you had gotten yourself into this situation. You were sick of feeling so helpless.

“I can just report you to the police, you know?” You were running your mouth now, no thoughts went into what you were saying next. You were too angry to even think clearly. “This is harassment and stalking. A crime! You could go to prison for this! “

Jungkook looked amused by your words, as if he was biting back a laugh.

“So why don't you?”

“What?” Was he serious?

“Go on, go file a report against me.” Jungkook shrugged, raising one singular eyebrow at you. He was daring you to do it.“ You would need some credible evidence on your side. I wouldn’t recommend the texts between us, you seem rather too compliant in them.”

His tone was daunting, as if he was actually giving you legal advice on the matter.

“But if you’re really going to, just make sure to let me know beforehand so I can notify my mother.” 

It took you a second to understand what he was implying.

“Your mom is an attorney?” You asked in a defeated whisper. He looked completely ecstatic at your reaction and his next words held nothing but menace in them.

“The best in the city, some would even say in the country.” He confirmed as he nodded in feigned innocence. 

You were utterly fucked.

The way his demeanor had completely shifted to the same condescending man he had been in the car that day was completely terrifying to you. He knew the power play you two had, he knew your position in society was no match for him. The worst part is that he was right in thinking that way, you were nothing compared to him in the grand scheme of things. Money and status was what determined how much power you possessed and you had neither. You were naive but not that naive. You knew that even if you did try to fight and file a report against him, he would still come out unaffected. 

Isn’t that the way things always went? The wealthy always had connections, they always had a loophole to get them out of even the worst of crimes. They were untouchable. 

And Jungkook had no problem reminding you of your place.

—

You knew you needed to act quickly.

After what happened with Jungkook, you were convinced you couldn’t get out of this situation in the normal and rational way. If Jungkook refused to leave you alone and keep your best friend around in order to control you then you had to figure out some way for Eunji to leave him. The thought itself sounded ridiculous but what else could you do? You were running out of options.

A part of you considered you should just admit you had been hooking up with her boyfriend and throw yourself completely under the bus. But you couldn’t bring yourself to ever admit to that sort of lie. The thought of having to sacrifice your own friendship for Jungkook to leave both of you alone was infuriating to you. 

This was your childhood best friend, the love of your life.

All those memories of you together, all your time shared together and your unbreakable bond would be thrown to shit in a matter of minutes. You would lose her forever. You knew Eunji would never forgive such a thing, who would? If that was your plan, you might as well prepare your suitcase and a final goodbye. You knew she would kick you out and never want to see your face again.

Your feelings for her being so one sided all these years had been enough pain for you to deal with, you had already lost her in that sense, you couldn’t lose her all together.

No, that wasn’t an option.

There had to be another way.

Eunji was your best friend, you know that meant something to her. It must have meant as much to her as it did for you, if you confessed that you absolutely hated Jungkook and didn’t see him as a good fit for her, she would have to believe you. 

Right?

She had to, wasn’t it a sort of girl code to always believe your best friend over a dude? I mean it had never come to that before considering you didn’t involve yourself much in her past relationships. You had expressed dislikement towards a lot of them, most of them, but it was never anything severe for her to take it so seriously and break up on the spot with them. Plus, you were a firm believer in people needing to learn on their own when it came to bad relationships.

Not to mention, none of her past partners had been completely obsessed with you. This was a one of a kind case and you knew she wouldn’t be expecting this behavior from you. it was out of character for you to ever suggest or demand for her to break up with her partners. You had been careful of that before for the same reason of not wanting her to suspect you had feelings for her and were acting out of pure jealousy.

None of that mattered now, you thought.

You would have to become the overprotective and overbearing friend that she would have to believe.

You heard the front door click open and held your breath, watching as your best friend strided in with her usual cup of coffee in one hand and her school bag in the other. She seemed startled when she noticed you, taking a small step back.

“Oh, you’re home.” Eunji exclaimed with a smile, taking a glance at her phone. “Shouldn’t you still be in class?”

“Ended early.” You replied simply and she nodded, throwing her bag on the couch. 

“Eunji, I need to talk to you.” You blurt out, instantly feeling your heart start to race. “It’s about Jungkook.”

There was no point in stalling, if you gave it more time you know would chicken out and not say anything. Eunji looked up at you with a questioning gaze as she slowly closed the space between you two. 

“What’s wrong?” She asked, knitting her eyebrows. She held the plastic cup of coffee tightly in her hands as she waited for you to speak and you could only imagine what was going through her head. She was probably expecting you to tell her he was cheating on her with some other girl and although the thought of feeding her that crap was tempting, you knew that was a quick way for Jungkook to completely expose the two of you.

“I,” You began, eyes shifting towards anywhere but her face.“I think you should break up with Jungkook.”

Eunji stared at you, her pretty features scrunched up in confusion. She let out a giggle but it quickly died on her lips when she noticed you weren’t joking.

“What?” She demanded in an incredulous tone. Her eyebrows furrowed as she shook her head.

“Why would you say that? Are you feeling okay?” She asked before you could say something else. She took a step back as if to examine your state.

“Eunji, I’m fine.” You waved off, wanting her to stay focused on the topic.“ I just don’t think Jungkook is who he claims to be.”

“What do you mean?” Eunji questioned, waiting for you to elaborate.

“I-I just think he isn’t the right person for you,” You concluded, making sure you sounded as sincere as you possibly could. You didn’t know how you were going to make this believable but you needed to. 

“I don’t like him, he gives me weird vibes.”

Eunji still held that same puzzled look on her face.

“Y/n, what the hell are you talking about? Just a month ago, you told me he was the first guy you ever approved of being with me. You said he sounded perfect for me.” Your friend argued and you cringed because she was right. You knew how contradicting you were being, it sounded suspicious and you didn’t know what you could say that would convince her otherwise.

“I know what I said,” You tried to reason.” But I take it back, after getting to know him more, he just seems off.”

“Getting to know him more?” Eunji repeated in a patronizing tone and she shook her head in disbelief. “You barely spend any time with him at all, last time he came for dinner, you couldn’t wait to go running back into your room.”

You felt yourself shrink more and more at her words. If only she knew.

“Exactly!” You argued back, no longer caring about sounding reasonable. “ I don’t want to spend time with him because I don’t like him! Something is off about him.”

“Alright,” She nodded, coming back to step closer to you until you were eye to eye with each other. “Then tell me what is ‘off’ about him?”

Fuck.

“I-I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem genuine. I think he’s playing with you.” 

Eunji stepped back once the words left your mouth. She stared silently at you, her eyes were becoming glossy and you knew your words had made some sort of impact but you feared it wasn’t the one you were hoping for. She scoffed and let her head fall, her gaze now on the floor.

“Are you jealous?” 

Your entire body froze.

“What?” This couldn’t be happening.

“ I mean, I get it.” She shrugged dismissively. “ I get that you never had an actual relationship and I know it’s hard for you to form relationships with people but it doesn’t have to be this way.”

You replayed her words in your head about ten times and still couldn’t believe she had said that. You shook your head at her.

“What? No! This is not me being jealous of your relationship.” You denied. God damn it. How did it even get to this point? Suddenly you were reminded of Jungkook’s words that day in the car.

“An attempt to sabotage her relationship because she can’t fulfill her own love?” 

“Are you sure? Because I’m not mad if that’s the case. I told you I can help you find someone, you can even go back to therapy.” Her words stung more than you were willing to admit. Did your friend really think so low of you that you would try to sabotage her relationship because of your own selfish reasons and your mental health?

You didn't know what to think at this point.

“Eunji, I know you think you’re trying to help but this is not the case.” Your tone was firm, and you tried your best not to lash out at her at this moment.

“I’m coming to you as a friend and as a friend, I think Jungkook is bad for you.” 

“A friend?” Eunji questioned. “A friend wouldn’t tell me to break up with my boyfriend and give no explanation as to why.” 

“I gave you an explanation!”

“Having a bad vibe? Really? Are we in high school?” Your friend mocked as she glared at you. 

“Please, I care about you and you need to trust me.” It was your final attempt , you knew you had to say the right thing if you had any chance of still convincing her. “You need to believe me, I’m your best friend and you have barely known this guy for a few months.”

“Trust you on what? A bad vibe?”

“Why won’t you believe me?” You knew it was a mistake to get emotional but you couldn’t help it. You were exhausted, you needed her to believe you. It was the only way out of this without you getting hurt. 

Without her getting hurt.

“I’m your best friend, not him. How could your four month relationship with him mean more than ours? We’ve known each other practically our whole lives.” You knew how hurt you sounded and you could only hope it would persuade her to consider your words but the more you stared at your friend, the more disconnected she had seemed to become. 

“Y/n, chill out you’re starting to sound like a jealous girlfriend or something.” Eunji muttered and the look she was giving you was enough to shut you down completely. 

She was looking at you like you had officially lost your mind. She sighed and walked back over to the couch to grab her bag before making her way to the door.

“I’m going out, we can talk again when you cut this bullshit out.” 

The loud bang of the door shutting was enough for you to fully break down. You fell to the cold wooden floor, bringing your knees up to your chest as you tried your best to breath through your uncontrollable sobs. You gripped your hair, letting out a loud yell of frustration. 

“ Would she believe that her best friend has been secretly in love with her for years and is trying to sabotage all her relationships just so she can have her to herself?”

It was sickening. The way Jungkook had been right about your friend doubting you. It was all sickening. You hated him, despised him for being right. 

How could he have been right? You felt the biggest sense of disappointment wash over you, but it was quickly replaced with utter rage. 

It was the worst feeling of betrayal you had ever experienced.

You took a deep breath as you wiped away your tears, shakily lifting yourself off the floor. You couldn’t be this week. 

You were sick of feeling like a victim and being treated like one.

You pulled out your phone, quickly scrolling through your contacts until you found who you were looking for. 

To Jungkook: We need to talk.

—

Perhaps your friend had been right, maybe you had officially lost your mind. You would admit the idea was insane but you were desperate. You had contemplated it over the past night, coming up with every reasonable conclusion possible. In your two years of studying Psychology, you had come across topics that were similar to what you thought you were experiencing now. Intrigue and captivation, the state of someone being so attracted to somebody and lust driven that it forms into an obsession. Obviously, this behavior wasn’t normal but what you did know was that Jungkook didn’t know you enough to be obsessed with your character. Intrigued? Maybe. Fascinated? Likely but not obsessed. No, his obsession had to be linked to a more shallow part of yourself. 

Your appearance. 

Any other time, this thought would have been laughable to you and it still kinda was. You didn’t consider yourself ugly or severely unattractive but you didn’t think you were anything special either. However, beauty was indeed in the eye of the beholder and you knew this, you had studied this behavior and the ins and outs of attraction. You knew Jungkook had to have found your appearance attractive to some extent, he had admitted it. And now, you knew had become obsessed with you the moment you met him in that cafe, you knew it. You had brushed it off but now that you looked back at it and replayed the memory countless times in your head, you were sure it had begun there. That must have meant he had to have formed this weird fixation on you with a superficial lense on.

While Jungkook was far from your average normal guy, he was still a guy. Meaning his obsession had a lot to do with lust. It was normal for a guy his age to be lust driven, obviously not to the extent you were coming up with but Jungkook wasn’t exactly normal. His upbringing must have had a lot to do with it, he was born into one of the wealthiest families in the country, of course he had an ego and expected everyone to bow down at his feet. He wasn’t used to not getting what he desired right at that moment. 

And what if that was all it was?

What if Jungkook’s interest in you was simply a temporary temper tantrum over not getting to play with his favorite toy. The thought disgusted you but it made sense, you clearly had no interest in him and had never shown him the slightest bit of attention. What if he just thought of this as some sort of game of cat and mouse? What if the only thing he wanted was to sleep with you and then drop you immediately after that? After getting what he wanted, there was no reason to keep you around, the chase would come to an end.

The more you thought it over, the more it made sense. Jungkook had issues, that was clear as day but why would he become utterly obsessed with an average college girl who didn’t have much, if anything, to offer him at all? He was the son of a CEO. It just didn’t make sense. This ‘obsession’ of his could only run so deep. You knew Jungkook wouldn’t have given you a second glance if you had met him in any other circumstance. 

The forbidden and taboo aspect of you being his girlfriend’s best friend had to be the main motive for his behavior.

Even if he himself wouldn’t admit it. He wasn’t exactly the most self aware person.

The sound of the door swinging open in front of you almost had you flying backwards against the wall. To say you were nervous was beyond understatement.

“Baby come in.” Jungkook looked more than pleased with your arrival, his round eyes lighting up. After sending him that text, he had practically begged you to come over and despite his insisting on picking you up, you had managed to dodge that bullet by claiming Eunji was still home.

“What did you need to talk about?” You heard him ask behind you as you walked inside, you knew you were going to regret doing this but it was the only way.

Instead of answering him, you turned around and didn’t think twice before closing the space between you two and connecting your lips to his. Your hand gripped the back of his neck, pulling him closer towards you. Jungkook was caught off guard to say the least but it didn’t take him long to recover, his hands quickly made their way around your waist and he gripped you closer to him. You felt your breasts brush tightly against his chest as he continued to deepen your kiss, you felt so out of place that you practically let him do whatever he wanted.

The kiss wasn’t anything like the last one you had shared, it was practically child’s play in comparison. The passion Jungkook possessed had every part of your body on fire, it was a feeling you were so unfamiliar with and you hated how you had to experience it with him of all people.

You forced yourself to get rid of all of your repulsive thoughts of him, you had to play your part. The physical aspect couldn’t be hard, Jungkook was conventionally a very attractive guy but still, you couldn’t deny the great shame that filled you at every passing second.

This was Eunji’s boyfriend.

Yes and she didn’t believe a word you said, you reminded yourself in order to keep your head out of your guilty thoughts. You couldn’t let your better judgment ruin this.

Jungkook’s mouth continued to work against your own, his kisses becoming desperate and you only encouraged him as you ran your fingers through his dark locks. He groaned against you before breaking your lips apart for a mere a second to give you a questioning gaze.

You knew what he was asking, he didn’t know what had caused this sudden change in behavior in you but you had a feeling it wouldn’t matter either way.

“I want you,” You whispered, never believing you would ever say those words to anyone other than the girl who had just stormed off with your broken heart in her hands a few hours ago.

You didn’t know how you were going to pull this off if you were being honest with yourself, you had little to no experience in the bedroom and you knew Jungkook was about to realize that. It’s not that you should care what he would think but you still couldn’t help the insecure feeling at the thought of any sort of judgment being shown to you. The last thing you wanted was to lay there bare with practically a stranger but you knew you needed to do this despite it being the most out of character thing you would ever be doing in your life.

“Are you sure?” Jungkook panted against you. A part of you was surprised Jungkook had asked you that, you would have assumed he was beyond having basic morals but it seemed like he still had a few left.

You nodded eagerly and a sultry smirk took over his handsome face in return and you just about yelped when he practically dragged you down his long hallway and into another enormous room. You could only assume this was his bedroom, there were a few picture frames of a very familiar looking young boy that resembled him on the walls. A graduation picture also stood on his nightstand.

Your eyes explored the walls of his room as you felt his lips suck on the side of your neck, you let out an involuntary moan when you felt the tips of his teeth graze your skin. His room seems to fit the rest of the theme of his house, equally dark with some band posters covering the wall in front of his bed frame.

You felt your back hit the silky sheets of his bed and his hands instantly worked on unbuttoning his pants. You gulped as you studied his hurried movements, your eyes practically bulging out your skull when you caught sight of him.

He was huge.

He sighed quietly into the air, his hardness sprinting up against his stomach at the action.

“What’s wrong, baby? You look like you’ve never seen a cock before in your life.” Jungkook chuckled when he caught a look of what you assumed was a mortifying expression on your face.

You hadn’t up close before.

You felt Jungkook’s hands grip the side of your thighs, raising your skirt up further. His mouth continued to leave kisses on your lips, cheeks and neck. His hands came to lift up the ends of your shirt and you let him pull the piece of clothing over your head. You instinctively came to cover your chest, feeling beyond uncomfortable with the exposure.

“Baby, it’s okay.” Jungkook whispered to you, his eyes holding nothing but adoration as he slowly pried your hands away from your chest. His eyes filled with desire as he took in the sight of your little piece of clothing that was left covering your breasts.

“You’re absolutely beautiful.” The way he had said it made you truly believe his words. His fingertips played with the top of the straps before they completely traveled behind you and unclipped the bra in one quick motion.

You let out a small gasp at it falling off your chest. Jungkook looked practically in a trance as he brought his lips down to your breasts, taking your nipple into his mouth and sucking. Your toes curled at the action, your body was betraying you in every sense of the word. You had never felt this type of pleasure before in your life.

“Jungkook..” You pant, your head was complete mush as he continued to violate your breasts, his wet mouth sucking on one while his other hand worked to knead the other.

You felt Jungkook’s hand travel further down your body until he reached the top of your skirt and he tugged harshly, easily slipping it off. You could feel your heart beat so rapidly against your chest, every doubt was returning to you in that moment. Were you really about to do this?

Jungkook seemed to notice your distracted state because you felt him grip your chin, forcing you to look up at him.

“What’s wrong?” His dark eyes studied you, searching for the cause of your unfocused behavior.

“N-nothing , I’ve just never done this before.” Solid save. Your hands practically trembled against his bare chest as you admitted it to him and you saw his eyes widen for a split second before a new domineering emotion coated them.

“Nobody has ever made you cum before?” Jungkook's voice dripped in pure lust as a smirk formed on his lips, eyes trailing down your every curve. Then the intensity of his stare had you a new feeling settling in your stomach, it felt like you were drenching down there.

It should have repulsed you but you couldn’t even bring yourself to feel guilty at this moment, you were too overstimulated to think straight.

“Nobody has ever fucked you before, baby?” Jungkook’s tone was a mixture of teasing and serious, his face came down to yours as his lips brushed the side of your ear. You felt the heat of his body heavy on you.

“So pure and untouched, and all mine “ He whispered roughly into your ear before playfully biting the top of it and you let out a gasp at his action. You didn’t know how to feel about his comment but your mind didn’t even get to fully process what he was saying because you soon felt his hands on the top of your last piece of clothing, you stared down as he pulled them down your legs. Not missing the chance to leave kisses on your inner thighs.

“I have to open you up,” He explains, his digits prodding at your entrance.

You nod in anticipation and watch as he slowly slides them. Your eyebrows furrowed as your mouth falls open, he keeps them pressed, knuckle deep inside of you. You hear him hiss as he moves his fingers which causes you to whimper even more in return.

“You’re so tight,” He says breathlessly and your hips roll against his hand. He drags his fingers in and out, curling them in ways that cause your wetness to pool. Your body burns with want, craving a release and already tasting it. Jungkook brushes his mouth against your already swollen lips as he slides in another finger, the feeling causes you to moan and squirm underneath him.

Jungkook continues to brush his lips down your neck, trailing down to your collarbone and once again taking your soft nub around his tongue. The mixture of sensations races your climax and you try your best to swallow down your moans. Your hands are shaking again as you curl them against his biceps.

“I’m gonna cum.” You cry and Jungkook hums against you, pressing his hand flat against the top of your pubic bone and curling his fingers up.  Your back arches at the overwhelming sensation and Jungkook knows he has found that spot.

“Come on baby.” He groans in low rasp, urging your release and you gasp out, hands scratching against the sheets as your eyes roll back. He drags his fingers out, a trail of wetness dripping onto the sheets as he does. You can’t help but stare as you watch him duck down, his tongue capturing your cum as he laps at your sensitive flesh. He cleans you up and his moans against you alone nearly send you over the edge again.

You try to control your breathing as you watch him pull away, grabbing a condom out from his drawer that’s beside the bed. He tears the packet open, and you watch as he rolls the silky latex onto his hard length. His dark eyes are back on you instantly as he presses his body against yours again.

“Look at me,” Jungkook orders before you see his eyes soften for a moment at your skittish gaze . “Please,” He adds.

His thumb comes up to brush your cheek, and you feel your stomach dip at the unexpected tender action. He gives you a small smile before you feel the head of his cock along your clit and you gasp, your gaze leaving his momentarily to glance down. His jaw is clenched as he slowly begins to push into you, and he pauses slightly whenever you make any sort of high-pitched noise. He seems cautious of your sensitivity but you urge him on, he swallows as he presses fully into you.

The action causes a burning sensation but you force yourself not to react, Jungkook watches your expression intently as he thrusts his hips forwards, causing you to let out a whine.

“It’s okay,” He assures you with a firm kiss to your cheek, your skin feels sticky. You are sure you can feel his pulse as his hips start to move against you and your hands grip his arms tightly. He grinds his hips more roughly this time and your mouth falls open letting out a silent breath.

“Fuck,” He pants as he starts rolling his hips and creating a faster rhythm, you cry out again as the feeling of his cock pressed deep within you starts to feel so good that your vision begins to feel hazy. His focused gaze on you only adds to your pleasure.

“You’re such a good girl for me.” He rasps as he drops his head to the crook of your neck, letting out a moan. His hips move constantly against yours, the top of your head hitting his bed frame repeatedly.

“Jungkook!” You cry out as you feel his thumb press into your clit, your body instantly jerks and tenses at the sensation and your head falls back, scrunching your eyes close in pleasure.

“Cum for me baby.” He grits his teeth as your thighs shake around his hips and cum hard, he calms your quick breaths as he takes your mouth into his and he releases right after you with strained moans.

“I love you.” You ignore his words but your eyes are not able to get away from his invasive stare.  He was looking at you with such sincerity and raw emotion, it almost frightened you. Still, you made sure to not even show the slightest bit of a response to them.

Jungkook looked unreal in that moment, his dark locks were coated in slight sweat and some strands managed to stick to his face. His lips were swollen and his skin looked vibrant, it shocked you how insanely good someone could look during this. 

You felt yourself throb around him, your legs still feeling as if they are trembling and you feel him slowly pull out of you. He kisses you again, swallowing every last whine and whimper that leaves your lips. You lay there in complete bliss and it takes you a good while to come back to your senses and realize what exactly you have done.

You turn your body, feeling Jungkook shift beside you and tug you to his side. You press your thighs together, still feeling the wetness in between them. A sickening reminder of your complete disloyalty. The guilt comes quickly and it stays with you, not letting your mind be at peace even for a moment.

This has to work.

Now that Jungkook had gotten what he wanted, he has to leave you alone. He had to forget about you, for the sake of your and his own relationship, you hoped this is the last you will be seeing of him. Your eyes stare blankly at the ceiling of his bedroom as comfortable silence settles between you two and soon you hear his steady soft breaths on your shoulder, you glance over to him and see his eyelids closed shut.

He looked so peaceful sleeping, so innocent. If only that was the case, you wished for it to be the case so badly. His arm was still wrapped tightly against your waist and you figured you would be stuck like this for who knows how much longer, you turn your head and let your eyes travel around his room again. This time taking your time to take every detail in.

You squint your eyes as you notice something on the right corner of his ceiling, a small, insignificant red light flashing. You knit your eyebrows together and lift your head up a bit more, attempting to take a better look at it.

Your heart sinks as you realize what you’re staring at.

No.

No.

No.

The small camera was pointed directly towards his bed, the angle captured both your figures perfectly. The dark device was placed in a spot where it blended in with the equally dark painted walls.

It was hard to notice it all unless you were paying extra attention and that’s when it hit you.

You had severely underestimated how far and deeply Jungkook had planned all of this.

You had underestimated his intentions, the lengths he would go. Despite your efforts to psychoanalyze him, you had let your own biased opinions overlap with the reality of the situation.

The camera had been recording everything.

The sound of your phone notification going off made you wince, you glared down at your bag that was on the floor at the side of the bed. You carefully reached down to it and picked up your phone, your finger opening up the new text message.

From Eunji: Hey, I’m sorry about everything I said. I think you might be right about Jungkook. Can we talk?

__

[picturetoburnnn]

Play Pretend | b.b. x reader

pairing - Bucky Barnes x Reader, past Steve Rogers x Reader

word count - 10.6k !!!!!!!!!!!!

warnings - angst, sadness, depictions of depression, anxiety, slight PTSD (?), character death (not Bucky or reader), happyish ending. SMUT. 18+ ONLY

a/n - im backkkkk and with another smutty fic? two in a row? yall are killing me. major thanks to @calpalirwin, without whom this idea would never have been realized to its fullest potential. I hope you guys love this as much as I do.

TAGS - @cxddlyash @thewxntersoldier @bibliophilewednesday @givebuckyhisplumsnow @bucksbeauty DM me or send me an ask to be added!

Sunlight streamed in through the open windows, letting in the cool September breeze. White rumpled sheets gathered around her waist as Y/N’s eyes fluttered open. Her head lay on the chest of a certain super-soldier.

“You awake, sunshine?” God, his morning voice made her fall impossibly more in love.

“No,” she whined, turning her head to burrow into his chest. “Five more minutes.”

“I can’t hear you in there, babe,” he laughed. “You’re all muffled.”

Y/N lifted her head, looking him dead in the eye. “You are so insanely lucky I love you. I wouldn’t wake up before ten for anyone else.”

Steve smirked as he leaned forward to plant a kiss on her hairline. “I know, honey, I know. But I’ve gotta go to training, I’m already five minutes late.” He did what could only be referred to as a puppy-dog face, eyes wide and round, lip jutted out in a pout.

“Fine,” Y/N huffed with a smile as she rolled the other way, sitting up. “Captain America doesn’t get any days off.”

He was already out of bed before she could turn back around, his feet entering her line of sight.

“Hey.” He reached a finger under her chin with a smile, making her look up at him. “I’ll be back before too long, I gotta take my best girl out tonight.”

Rolling her eyes, Y/N smirked as she tossed her covers aside, standing. “I had better be your only girl, Rogers.”

“My one and only.” He planted a kiss on her lips before escaping to the en suite to prepare for the day.

She told everyone she was fine, but the smiles never really reached her eyes.

She told them that it was okay, she’d accepted it, she didn’t blame him, she’d be fine with a little time.

“Baby,” Steve chuckled, “do we have to?”

“I want to go through this haunted house,” Y/N insisted. “And you, Mr. America, aren’t supposed to be afraid of anything. So yes, we have to.” She reached up on her tiptoes to leave a quick kiss on his nose.

“You’re lucky I love you,” he huffed as he wrapped one arm around her waist, leading them into the haunted mansion.

There had to be some better use of her time than recollecting all the time that he’d had her fooled.

He didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it, he didn’t mean it, her mind screamed at her. He didn’t mean any of the lovely things he said or did, he was thinking of her the whole time.

“Bucky!” Steve called from across the room.

The brunette in the corner flinched as he turned, as if he expected a fist to the face. Instead, his eyes found the woman clutched tightly to his best friend’s side.

“Buck, I want you to meet Y/N, she’s my best girl.”

“I’m your only girl,” Y/N chided him before sticking her hand out. “It’s nice to meet you, James, Steve’s told me so much about you.”

The brunette said nothing, staring down at the extended hand as if it had scalded him. Reading his body language, Y/N’s face dropped as she brought back the offending limb. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think. Steve warned me and I--”

“It’s okay,” Bucky quietly whispered, eyes tracing back up to hers. God, his eyes were just like Steve’s; a beautiful blue ocean.

“Y/N,” Steve looked down, calling her attention back. “I think Wanda was saying she wanted to see you a while ago. Why don’t you go see what she needs while Buck and I chat?”

~~

“Steve,” she whispered one night. The couple had gone to bed hours ago, yet neither one could find a wink of sleep. Her head laid on his bare chest, fingers tracing the old, faded scars. The steady rise and fall of his body under hers told her he hadn’t quite fallen asleep yet.

“Yes, sunshine?”

“I…” God, how could she ask him this? It was so foreign, this strange dread looming over her.

“When you return the stones tomorrow,” she started, “you’ll come back to me, right? It’s your chance to go back and I… as selfish as it is, I want you to stay here, in this time, with me.”

“Doll,” he chided, hand running up her back. “I could never leave you behind.”

“I just--” she twisted her body to look him in the eyes, eyes slowly watering as she whispered “--I know how hard it was for you at first. Being here. I’m scared you’ll go back and see her and realize she’s who you’ve always wanted. I’m scared you’ll leave me for someone I can’t even meet to be mad at.”

“Y/N,” he breathed. “How many times I gotta say? You’re my best girl. I couldn’t leave you if I tried.”

Slowly nodding, Y/N slinked back down. He reassured her. He dispelled her fears. Why did this weight on her chest somehow feel even heavier?

“I don’t know how you think I could do that to you, honey,” Steve mumbled from behind her. “You must just be paranoid.”

God, what a lie. Because the next day, as she, Sam, and Bucky all stood shoulder to shoulder waiting for him to come back, he never did. He sat on that damned bench by the lake, after living out his life with Peggy. The girl of his dreams. Was it still technically cheating if he was with her before Y/N was even born? It broke her heart like it was. She watched as the shield was passed to Sam. She watched as he spoke with Bucky. She waited for him to call her over, to at least explain.

He didn’t. Bucky came back, stood by her side, just staring at the back of the old man that Steve had become. Her lover, her best friend, her confidante, her everything. She was nothing to him after he had the chance to have her.

Drinks didn’t numb the pain anymore. Alcohol only made it worse. Having friends over was like reliving the moment over and over and over; all those pitying stares. Why did they have to look at her like that? It’s not like her whole world had fallen apart or anything. It’s not like the one person she depended on for everything, the one person she leaned on for support, had ripped himself out from under her. It wasn’t like that at all.

Why couldn’t he at least say something? Why couldn’t he have explained? He knew he was going to do it. She had relived the moment a thousand times, and the look on his face when he stepped onto the platform was that of a man who wasn’t planning on making a two-way trip.

Smiles and beautiful lies played through her mind like a film reel, a never-ending montage she couldn’t escape. He was perfect. The love was perfect. Why couldn’t it have stayed perfect? Was it because she wasn’t? Could that have kept the love alive?

Y/N didn’t even register the knock on the door, or Sam and Bucky entering the used-to-be shared home. “Y/N?” The duo called out.

“Over here,” came the broken whisper.

Sidestepping broken picture frames and cracked vases, Sam crouched beside the woman curled on the floor behind the couch.

“I’m fine,” she sighed with a crazed smile and tears in her eyes. “I don’t know why you guys insist on checking in on me. It’s hardly even affecting me.” A choked sob nearly cut her off. “So you’re fine to go whenever you want.”

Bucky stayed in the doorway, watching on in an awful mix of sympathy and understanding for the woman as she cried on the floor in one of Steve’s old sweaters. It reminded him of how he felt those first few days.

But it had been three weeks now.

“We’re not going to leave,” Sam soothed as he eased down next to Y/N. “We won’t leave you here.”

“You know,” Y/N sniffled with a heartbroken grin, “that’s exactly what he told me.”

“Okay,” Bucky sighed, crossing the room to where she sat next to Sam behind the couch. “You can’t be doing this.” She didn’t put up a fight as he scooped her into his arms, going as far as to wrap her arms around his neck as he lifted her off the ground.

“You have to rest in an actual bed,” he huffed, trying not to let his mask of indifference fall.

“No!” Her head snapped up and all but hit him on the chin as the frantic chill swept through her. “I can’t sleep in that bed, I can’t. Don’t make me, don’t put me there.”

Bucky glanced over at Sam in a panic, not knowing what to do.

“It’s okay, Y/N, you can stay at my place,” Sam interjected with a pointed look of concern to Bucky. “Bucky and I will take you over there, you can sleep on the spare bed, Buck can take the couch.”

~~

“Are you all settled in?” Sam asked for what must have been the thousandth time. “Need more pillows, blankets?”

A silent shake of the head was all he got in return.

“Well, I’m just down the hall if you need me. And Buck’s right around the corner in the living room. If you need anything, and I mean anything, you can get either of us.”

Y/N nodded, a quiet ‘thank you,’ escaping her lips.

Bucky listened in on the interaction from the living room couch, replaying the last argument he had with Steve before… well, before he went back.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Steve.”

“I don’t belong here, Buck. I have to go back.”

“And what about Y/N?” Bucky pointed his arm towards the front room, where she had been chatting with Wanda and Carol. “You can’t tell me she’s okay with this.”

The silence filled the pit of his stomach with dread.

“Steve… don’t tell me you won’t tell her.”

The blond started “It’ll be easier on her if I just--”

“God, Steve! That girl loves you! You placed the stars in the sky to her. You can’t just leave her here with no explanation.”

Steve calmly exhaled. “I don’t… belong with her. I have to go back. I owe my best girl a dance.”

“There was a time you called Y/N your best girl.” Bucky accused, a disgusted look on his face.

“Buck, don’t start.”

“She is head over heels in love with you--”

“And you’re head over heels for her! Did you think I didn’t know? That I wouldn’t see how you look at her? I’m trusting you to take care of her, to look after her. It’s better this way, can’t you see?” Steve begged Bucky to understand.

“She won’t see it that way,” Bucky said with a deathly calm.

“Give her time,” Steve urged. “It’ll hurt, but if you’re there for her, she’ll see it.”

The silence between the two was stifling until the brunette broke the raging calm with a quiet voice. “When did you stop loving her?”

Steve sighed. “It’s not that simple, Buck, I wish it were.”

“When did you know you would leave her?”

“Bucky, I--”

“ANSWER ME!” He yelled.

“Is everything okay in here?” Y/N’s voice broke through the rage Bucky was seeing. He whipped around, face to face with the woman in question. His eyes met hers for just a moment. God, how could he tell her this?

“We’re fine, sunshine,” Steve eased. Bucky spun back to face him.

“Just a conversation, right Buck?”

Bucky glared at his best friend. He dropped his voice so low, only Steve could hear him. “This is how you lose her, and me.” Giving a huff of a sigh, Bucky turned and disappeared through the doorway and into the crowd of people inside the house. Tony knew how to throw a party, even for his own funeral.

God, why did Steve have to always take all the stupid with him? Why did he have to go, when she was at her breaking point? Why did he have to lie, to keep it all a secret?

Bucky lost track of the hours he spent on Sam’s couch in the dark, staring at the ceiling. A rustling sound from the guest bedroom snapped him to attention. His ears strained as he took in the sounds of heightened breathing, a panicked movement here and there. Bucky didn’t even remember standing from the couch. One moment he was listening for it, the next he was standing in the doorway of the spare guest bedroom as if he were lured by a siren’s call.

Y/N lay twisting in the sheets, quiet whimpers and silent sobs contorting her face.

“Fuck,” Bucky whispered to himself. Did he try to wake her up? What if that set her off more? That tended to happen to him when he had horrible nightmares. But he couldn’t very well leave her like this, a victim to her own mind’s torment.

One more quiet whimper rang through the room and his choice was made for him. Gently opening the door just enough to squeeze himself through, he slid into the room, kneeling on the bed.

“Y/N,” he mumbled, reaching out to her but not quite touching her.

She tossed her head to the side, a frown etching its way onto her sleeping features, worry lining her brow.

“Y/N, doll, you gotta wake up for me.” He placed his right hand gently on her shoulder before she snapped upright. Eyes still closed, she leaned into Bucky. He let her push against him, adjusting himself so his right arm circled her back as his left wrapped around her front, creating a loop around her.

“I’m here,” he soothed.

“Steve,” she breathed. “Oh Steve, thank god, I had the worst nightmares. You were gone and I, I, I didn’t know what to do and I…”

It was the first time he’d heard her say his name since the day it happened. Bucky swore he could feel his heart shatter the moment she realized it. The arm around her was too cold, too solid, to be Steve’s. This body she leaned against, it wasn’t the one that she’d spent countless nights memorizing and tracing.

“You’re not him.” The quiet whimper brought tears to Bucky’s eyes as she burrowed her head into his chest, hiding her crying face.

“I’m not, I’m sorry.” His right hand came up to stroke her hair. “I’m sorry I’m not him, that I can’t be him for you. I know this isn’t enough for you, and I’m sorry.”

He thought he must have imagined the way the cries got just a little harder at that. “You can pretend, if you want to. If you’re okay with that. I know I can’t ever be him, but I’ll let you pretend for as long as you need to.”

They spent another thirty minutes like that, Bucky’s arms wrapped around Y/N’s crumpled form, his legs folded awkwardly beneath him -- and yet, he didn’t dare move. He didn’t dare do anything that would break Y/N out of this illusion of peace she’d created around herself.

“I’m sorry,” she finally whispered. “You must think I’m pathetic.”

Bucky couldn’t tell her how his chest ached for her when she pulled away, wiping at her tears with the sleeve of an old sweatshirt -- neither of them addressed the fact it was one of Steve’s.

“You’re not pathetic, Y/N.”

“I just cried on you like a baby for thirty minutes. I'm okay, I'm fine, you don't have to stay here."

“You might be okay but you're really not fine at all. Something traumatic happened to you.”

“I got dumped.”

“Don’t do that,” Bucky chided. When she rained a sleepy eyebrow in confusion, he clarified. “Don’t lessen your pain to other’s standards. React how you need to. And if that means crying to me in the early hours of the morning, I’d be honored to be by your side.”

Y/N would be lying if she said her cheeks didn’t flush.

Another awkward silence befell the room.

“If you’re… alright… I can go if you want.”

The moment Bucky stood to leave, Y/N’s hand shot out to his wrist. “No!”

He looked down to see his vibranium hand encaptured in hers. She looked so small by comparison, so fragile. So out of place for a hand that was made to be a weapon, but somehow it felt right.

“No,” she repeated, quieter this time. “Did… Did you mean it? When you said I could pretend?”

“Anytime, doll,” he breathed immediately.

“Do you think you could… well, I just--- I--”

Bucky waited patiently, eyes never leaving her face.

“I’m just going to say it. I can’t sleep. Ever. I got so used to him next to me. Is there a chance you could… stay?”

Bucky lifted his brows in shock. The girl of his dreams, the woman he’d been in love with since he met her, was asking him to stay with her?

“Whatever you need, doll.”

Y/N scooted over on the bed, making room. Bucky, somewhat awkwardly, made his way in behind her, laying stiff as a board. It was like that for a moment, until “Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you--” he heard the tears in her voice “--can you hold me?”

He didn’t respond verbally, but rather by wrapping a single arm around her waist and pulling her body to his. His chest pressed right up against her back, and if she had been thinking, she would have noticed that she could feel his abs through the thin henley he wore. He adjusted his flesh arm to lay under her head as a pillow until all of her was touching him somehow. Her feet tangled with his under the covers.

“Is this okay?” He whispered in her ear.

God this was intimate, but it was what she needed. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend it was still Steve behind her, not his best friend. “Yeah,” she breathed, “this is perfect.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

To this day, Bucky doesn’t know what came over him, what possessed him to lean forward and press a kiss to the crown of Y/N’s head.

But it was the best sleep either of them had had in weeks. So when Sam came knocked gently on the door in the morning, neither of them woke up.

“Y/N?” The man quietly called. “Are you awake?”

He slowly twisted the handle, being met with the sight of a hundred-year-old assassin spooning Y/N.

Barnes whipped his head around immediately at the sound of the door creaking. “Sam!” he whisper-shouted. “You’ll wake her up!”

Sam raised his hands in surrender, his eyebrows lifting with them.

“Close the door!” Bucky quietly scolded, lifting one arm from where it lay gently draped across Y/N’s waist.

“I don’t think this,” Sam pushed the door open slightly more, a quiet squeal coming from the hinges, “is going to wake her. She’s got her own personal space heater there in the bed with her.”

Bucky glowered at him before the bickering resumed. “If you wake her up, I swear to god--”

“I’ve been up, you idiots.” Y/N’s voice makes the pair go silent, both sets of eyes immediately turning to her. “And Bucky can’t be a space heater. The arm is metal, it’s almost always cold, Sam.”

A quiet mumble of ‘sorry’ fell on her ears before the arm beneath her head started to slide out from its pillow position. Y/N awkwardly sat up, freeing the artificial appendage.

Sam cleared his throat. “I’m making breakfast if you guys… want… any of that.”

“Yeah, I’ll,” Y/N coughed, “be out in a minute.”

With a short okay, Sam was out of the room again, leaving Bucky and Y/N alone as an awkward silence fell over the room.

“I hope you--”

“Thanks for--”

“You can go.”

“No, Buck, I insist, you go first.” Y/N smiled softly, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

“I-- okay. I hope you slept well. Sorry if the arm was cold for you.” It didn’t escape Y/N’s notice that he was holding his left arm as far behind him as possible, as if trying to keep it away from her.

“Oh! Well, I was just going to say, um, thank you. For, you know…” She gestured vaguely to the bed. “Everything that… yeah.”

“Anytime, Y/N.” He said it with such a sad smile that Y/N wasn’t entirely sure if he had something else to say.

When she was met with more silence, the woman swung her legs over the side of the bed. “I should probably--”

“Oh!” Y/N wasn’t sure she’d ever seen the soldier move so quickly to get out of bed. “Yeah, of course, sorry.” Without another word, he was out the door.

~~

Weeks later, she swore she was getting better. Really, she was. She definitely wasn’t having a breakdown in the living room of her half-packed away house. No, not at all. And she totally hadn’t just found an old box of Steve’s belongings that Bucky had helped her put away. God, she should have just listened and thrown the box out immediately, but some part of her, some sick, twisted tendril of longing, demanded she kept the old sweaters and ball caps and photos.

Moving was always stressful, but she needed the change. Bucky had encouraged her to sign a lease at the building on the other end of the block from his. A fresh start, he claimed. Close enough to check on her, he had said, just a little too slowly to be entirely teasing. And damn it, she had insisted that she didn’t need help today, that she could go through her belongings by herself and decide what to donate and what to keep. That box in the back of the closet called her name though, a dangerous siren call for a trip down memory lane.

The hardwood floor was cold against her thighs, but it didn’t even register as she sat swamped in one of Steve’s old hoodies.

“I promise you, sugar,” he’d laughed. “When the Avengers are done with me, we can move out to the middle of nowhere. Grow old, pop out a few little ones? A pretty rock on this finger.” He’d kissed her knuckles at that.

What happened to that? When did she become something he was okay with missing? She went from having his life entwined with hers to having to watch his life in pictures, tracing the outline of his smile like she used to trace his face when it was the middle of the night and he’d fallen asleep against her stomach again. She used to feel his chest against her in the night, finding peace in the steady rhythm. Now she fell asleep alone most nights, feeling the absence of him. He was probably forgetting all about her every day, wasn’t he? And here she was, stuck in the memory of how his breath used to tickle her ear in the mornings.

She didn’t even realize she got out her phone. Her fingers worked of their own accord as they typed out a simple message to the number one contact in her texts.

11:13 PM

TEXT FROM Y/N: SOS

Bucky’s heart never beat faster than it did when he got that message. He didn’t even remember the drive to her house. Or did he walk? He couldn’t even say.

His fist banged heavily on the door. “Y/N!? Y/N I’m coming in!”

He barreled through the doorframe -- all six feet rushing through the front door, because what if she were hurt? What if she were in danger? What if--

All thoughts left his mind the moment she was in view. No visible wounds, but she sat on the floor, wearing his best friend’s old sweater, with unfocused eyes staring straight through him.

“Doll?” He cautioned, stepping forward slowly, hands held up. “I’m gonna come closer to you, okay?” No response. She showed no signs of even recognizing he was there until the moment he sat down in front of her, still so cautious.

“Y/N?” He started.

Her eyes found his, and his hopes started rising as he saw that glimmer of recognition. “Bucky?”

“That’s it, it’s me. Hi.” He smiled sadly at her.

Then her quiet mumble broke his heart all over again. “I don’t know how to be something he misses.”

“Doll,” he breathed as he gathered the broken girl into his arms. Her face found its home in the crook of his neck, inhaling his cologne. Did he always wear that? It smelled just like Steve’s.

“I’ve got,” she sniffled. “Too much time alone to be this hurt. Every time I think I‘m okay to be by myself, something happens and I spiral and I don’t want to be a pest to you but… do you think… do you think we can pretend again?”

“Yeah, yeah baby, we can do that.” Bucky repositioned himself so his back was to the wall, Y/N cradled in his arms, face still pressed against his neck. Was it wrong to hope she couldn’t hear his heartbeat right now? Because it was absolutely racing.

Hours could have passed by in that position, and he never would have known. She was pretending he was Steve, but maybe… maybe he could pretend for just a second too. Bucky allowed himself just a minute of time to imagine that Y/N was his girl. That she wasn’t curled against him in sadness seeking comfort, but in delight. That maybe she loved his cologne because it smelled like Bucky, not him. He could pretend that he didn’t cut the sleeves off of Steve’s old sweater that he left at Bucky’s apartment. He could pretend that he hadn’t sewn them onto his own, so she wouldn’t be hit by the cold of his arm again, while still having that familiar comfort.

“Is it evil of me,” Y/N began, voice clearer than it had been in hours as she adjusted slightly, resting her head against his chest, “to hope that he regrets it? I want him to be happy, but I also… I want something to remind him, make him wish he had stayed. I could have planned for so many things, so many bumps in the road of my future but I never could have planned on this. Never could have planned on him changing his mind. God, I just-- I wish he had stayed.”

“You could never be evil,” Bucky breathed into her hair. “I wished the same, at first. I tried, I really did, I tried to get him to stay for you but he didn’t listen to--” The soldier froze. Had he really just said that? He didn’t, there was no way.

Y/N was still as ice beneath him. “You knew?” She slowly began pulling away from him as every inch of his body craved her touch return. “You knew he was going to leave? To go back to her?”

“I didn’t know until the day before he did it.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” God, she hadn’t sounded this heartbroken since the day Steve left.

“Doll, I didn’t--”

“Don’t,” she snapped harshly as she pushed herself up off the floor. He knew? This whole time? He knew it was going to happen?

“Y/N please listen to me.” Bucky’s voice wavered slightly as he scrambled up off the floor. “I didn’t know how, there was never a right time.”

“I think you should go, actually.” She had never been this cold to him. Not when they first met, not ever.

“Y/N, please, I--”

“Goodnight, James.”

A defeated and dejected Bucky Barnes made his way towards the door. Just before he closed it behind him, he looked wistfully over his shoulder. “If you need me… I’m still here. For anything you need.”

An annoyed sigh left her lips, and he took that as his cue to leave.

~~

Days. It was only days after the fight, and she needed him. She needed Bucky like nothing else could calm her. That’s how she found herself in front of his door, just days after she told him to stay the hell away from her. She brought her fist up to knock on the door, but hesitated. Had she ruined it completely? Had she now found a way to fuck up both relationships that had ever really meant something to her? She hadn’t been enough for Steve, and she had pushed Bucky away when she really just needed him more.

It had been Sam’s idea to come here. Immediately after he had left her house that day, after she all but shoved him out the door, she immediately called Sam to tell him what had happened. Sam cussed out Bucky for a minute or two, before sighing and advising You should talk to him, Y/N. Give him the chance to explain. It wasn’t right to keep it from you but he wasn’t entirely in the wrong either. Just… hear him out.

Her knuckles didn’t even tap the door before it swung open before her.

“Dol-- Y/N!” Bucky exclaimed, eyes wide in surprise.

Y/N took a moment to take in his appearance. He wore a navy blue button-down (she’d always liked him in navy blue, she’d told him once at a party while drunk. Brought out his eyes, she’d said.) with a bouquet of flowers in one hand.

“I-- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-- I wanted to apologize.” Y/N stumbled out.

“A-apologize?” Confusion was written all across the man’s face. “For what?”

“For,” she sighed, “how I reacted the other day. It wasn’t fair. It’s not your fault he told you. But it’s okay. I can come back later, I wouldn’t wanna keep your--” she gestured up and down towards him “--date waiting.”

“Date?” The brunette looked down at himself, analyzing his own appearance. “Oh! No, I’m not-- I’m not going on a date. These were, well, these were for you, actually.” He looked up with a half-smile. “I wanted to apologize for the other day. I shouldn’t have said what I did. And I should have told you before.”

“F-for me?” Y/N breathed.

“Well, yeah,” he spluttered. “Do you wanna come in? So we aren’t doing this in the hallway?”

A mumbled acceptance and Bucky stood back, holding himself in as Y/N squeezed past him. “Sorry, it’s a mess right now, I didn’t know you were coming,” he awkwardly excused as he sat the flowers on the table by the door. When did she tell him her favorite flowers?

“It’s fine,” Y/N insisted, standing awkwardly in the center of the room with hands shoved deep into her pockets.

“Listen,” Bucky sighed as he shut the door. “I’m sorry for not telling you. And for telling you. I can’t decide which is worse. But I want you to know I never wanted to see you hurting. Seeing you in pain because of me was the worst experience of my life, and I would easily go through another seventy years of my past if it meant I never have to see you look at me like that again.”

“Bucky, I…” Her breath caught in her chest. How could she say this? “I understand. It’s okay. I would have done the same. Please don’t… don’t say that. Don’t even think about going back to that time, least of all for me. I’m not worth years of your life being taken away like that.”

“You are to me.”

God, his eyes were so beautiful in this light. The open window’s light brought out shades of blue she didn’t even know existed. Was she really thinking that? She should be heartbroken over Steve still. He was the love of her life, she should still be devastated. Heartbreak like that doesn’t heal over two months… does it? Then why did she feel so at home in his cluttered apartment? Why did his arms slowly start feeling like the right home? Why did every part of her crave his touch like nothing else, even when she stopped pretending it was Steve holding her? When had she stopped picturing blonde hair and a clean-shaven grin, replacing it with beautiful brown locks, a softer smile?

“Buck you don’t-- you don’t have to pretend to be Steve. You don’t have to say those things anymore. I can’t… I can’t do it. I have struggled to find some part of me that I think he didn’t take up. There’s nothing I didn’t give to him but it wasn’t enough. I can’t give him you, too. I need you for me. I need you as Bucky.”’

Did Y/N know how his heart pounded when she said those words? Did she know how long he had been craving something like that to fall from her lips? He hung on to her every word like a man damned. Of course, he never wanted her to have to go through the pain of losing her partner before he could have a chance with her. He meant what he said: he’d go through every second of torture again just for her to be okay again. But if she was okay with him? If she was okay with Bucky as himself?

“Doll,” the soldier began.

Y/N groaned. “Please, every time you call me that, my heart beats six times faster.”

He swore his heart stopped as he tried to stop himself from swaying back in forth like a fool.

“You like when I call you ‘doll’?” That signature teasing smirk graced his expressions one more time.

“Shut up, old man,” she laughed as she beckoned him into a hug. “I’m emotional right now and need my friend.”

Just like that, his inflated heart was stuck through with a sword. He did everything he could to not let it show on his face until she was tucked away in his arms.

Friend. The word haunted him as he lay in bed that night, staring at the ceiling. He’d let his heart run away with his mind. He should have known better. Loving her from afar was what he did best. He’d had years of practice with it when Steve was still here. Why was it causing him so much of an issue now?

Friend. Had she really said that? Y/N’s hands covered her face as the sounds of the city at night droned outside Bucky’s guest room window. It wasn’t what she meant to say. Well, it was, but not like that. Why couldn’t she get this right?

Bucky sat upright when a gentle tapping rang out against his door. He almost thought he imagined it until he heard it again, this time with a gentle call of “Buck?” He whipped the blankets off himself, stepping over to the entryway, meeting Y/N’s eyes as the door opened.

Had he always towered over her like this? she wondered. Her second thought was of how his chest heaved as if he had sprinted to the door. With his sweatpants slung low across his hips and hair pulled back into a low bun… god if the situation were any different, she would swear he looked like sin personified.

“You okay?” He questioned, confusion laced in his tone.

“I don’t want you to be just a friend to me, Buck,” Y/N blurted. “I can’t explain it but for the first time in months I feel happy when I’m with you and it’s really you and we aren’t pretending. I love how you talk, how you walk with your hands in your pockets, and I love how considerate you are and how much you care and I just wanted you to know that if you ever happen to feel--”

His hands cupping her face and lips pressed to hers was the sweetest interruption. This was what home felt like. If Steve was what she had considered right, then this was perfection in every sense of the word. He moved against her as gently as he could, and it wasn’t quite enough. When she parted her lips, he was quick to reciprocate, exploring the new territory carefully, like it was a privilege he wasn’t sure he’d get again. Y/N wasn’t sure why; she was certain that if he asked to kiss her like this again, she would never be able to say yes fast enough. As if all at once, the need to feel him overtook her. Her hands reached for his waist, tugging at his warm body right in front of her. She groaned as he pushed her back against the wall, and almost melted when he rolled his hips into hers.

When they split, his hands dropped to her waist. Y/N dropped her gaze to the ground, chest heaving. All the air had been stolen from her chest, she swore.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky panted. Y/N snapped her gaze up to his.

“What?”

“I just had to do it once, doll,” he begged, eyes searching hers for forgiveness she didn’t know was needed. “I know you’re probably still pretending I’m Steve, but Y/N--”

“I’m not,” Y/N exclaimed, horrified. “I wouldn’t do that to you, not physically.”

“Y/N, this whole thing has been just as physical as it was emotional,” Bucky chided, backing away. “I wore his cologne so you had a comforting smell, I covered the arm so the cold wouldn’t hurt you like it did that first night. I talked like and pretended to be Steve, I held you while pretending to be Steve. It may not have been intimate, but it sure as hell was physical.”

“Buck, I--”

He was getting frustrated now. His hands drew away from Y/N as he pulled away, taking a step back. “So as much as I want to, Y/N, I can’t pretend right now--”

“I really do want you, Bucky, I--”

Something in him snapped. “I have loved you for years now! I have loved you from the sidelines as you loved my best friend and it was okay because he found you first and I could make my peace with it. But please, for the love of whatever god there is, don’t ask me to pretend to be someone else to love you. I want to be me when I kiss you. I want to be me when I hold you. I can’t pretend to love you as someone else.”

“James, would you fucking listen to me?” Y/N was almost yelling as she begged for his attention. “I want you, okay? I don’t want you to pretend to be someone else. I want James Barnes, I want Bucky Barnes, I want whatever version of yourself you’ll give me as long as it’s you.”

Two steps forward and she was almost chest to chest with him again as she brought her hands to his face, cradling his cheeks as he had hers just moments ago. “I’ve wanted every bit of you for a while now, and I don’t know how to make you listen.”

“Just,” the ex-assassin began, “say my name again.”

“Bucky,” she sighed, and his lips met the skin of her neck, trailing upwards towards the shell of her ear.

“Again,” he whispered, breath hot against her skin as his right hand tangled itself in her hair.

“Bucky, don’t tease me.” This one was a breathless whisper that she could have sworn pulled a groan from him.

“Say it one more time, baby,” he breathed, lips a hairsbreadth away from hers. “It sounds so good when you say it.”

“Earn it, Sergeant,” she grinned as he surged forward, lips crashing against hers.

His left hand snuck under the thin material of her shirt, cool metal providing a delicious relief for her flushed skin. Almost without her knowledge, her own hands crept up around the man’s neck, one hand tangling itself in his pulled-back hair. Her fingers toyed for a moment with the elastic before she freed his locks from the band, strands falling into place around his face. Her free hand spanned downward, exploring the muscles of his back as she dug her fingers into his shoulder, pulling him impossibly closer because this could never be enough. He followed like it was the easiest thing he’d ever done, body responding to hers like the most delicious kind of sin.

His hands on her body felt like home. Every touch was impossibly perfect, like she was who he was made for. When his hand traveled up just a little bit, resting in that dip of her waist, her body arched towards him. He pulled away from her addictive kiss just to mouth a trail down to that spot where her neck met her collarbones. His name was the most beautiful symphony pouring from her lips.

“Doll,” he groaned when she tugged just right at his roots.”You can either turn around and go back to bed, or you can let me fuck the shit out of you. I’ll show you how much I love you later, right now I just really need you.”

God, she could have fallen apart just by the way he craved her. “Please,” she begged, bringing his face back to hers and smashing her lips against his.

“Oh baby,” he admonished as he tapped the backs of her thighs, telling her to jump. “You can do better than that.”

Bucky spun the couple around, walking them back into his room. When her back hit the mattress, Bucky couldn’t help but stand back and admire her for a second. Was this actually real? It wasn’t another dream? God, he’d lost count of the number of nights he’d dreamed about something like this happening.

“Buck,” she softly called, bringing his attention back. When had she sat up? Her hand gently caressed the side of his face and he instinctively leaned into it. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

A soft smile came across his face. “So considerate.” he leaned down, supporting himself by his forearms as he crawled towards the woman until his whole body hovered over hers. His bionic hand reached to cup the apex of her thighs. “Even when you’re soaking for me.”

Y/N’s body arched up to his. “Oh my god,” she whimpered as he ground his palm against her mound, friction building up just right. He pushed the thin material of her panties to the side and easily slipped two metal fingers into her wet heat. Her hips bucked up when he started moving them so slowly, in and out.

“I’m not God, doll,” Bucky smirked, “so you should start saying my name, not his. Look at this, you’re just letting me slide right out,” he pulled his wrist back, almost withdrawing entirely, “and right back in.” His fingers thrust quickly back in her, setting a pace of indescribable bliss. He swallowed her cry of desperation as her hands came up to trace the hard lines of muscle across his chest and abdomen.

When her fingers reached the waistband of his sweats, she dared to dip his fingers under the material. Flushed skin reached hers, and the back of her mind screamed at the lack of boxers. “Just take ‘em off, doll,” he whined as he ground his hips down into hers, hand coming back up. Y/N almost whined at the sudden feeling of emptiness, but it was quickly forgotten when she watched as the man put those same fingers into his mouth. His eyes rolled back and she swore she forgot how to breathe when he moaned at the taste.

“James,” she whined as her hands fought to free him of his pants. “Need you, need you so bad.”

Her cries summoned his attention. “I know doll, I know.” He quickly kicked the material away, resting entirely bare above her. “Are you ready? Are you ready for my cock?” He slid downwards until he was face to face with her core. “Because I don’t think you are. I think you need to be stretched--” those damn fingers felt so good in her tight warmth “--just a little more. Tasted so good for me, sweetheart, I want more.” His flattened tongue licked a stripe right up her center, wrapping his lips around her clit as her fingers tugged at the roots of his hair.

Whines and moans filled the air as Bucky studied her reactions. A symphony of please and Bucky fell on his ears and he could swear it was his new favorite thing to ever hear. His own hips rutted against the mattress as she begged him for more, please, please Bucky I need more.

“So greedy,” he commented as he pulled away with a vulgar pop. “‘M already giving you what you want, and you want more?”

“I’m ready,” she cried, “I need you, baby, need your cock.” She could feel that telltale feeling in her gut. She was right, right there. The light scruff of his growing 5 o’clock shadow scratched deliciously at the insides of her thighs as she instinctively closed her thighs around his head. “Buck, I’m so close.”

“I know doll, I know. I think what you need,” he growled, “is to come apart right now, on my fingers and tongue.”

His words sent her over the edge, tumbling from her high as he switched, fingers toying with her bundle of nerves as his tongue delved into her center. He rode out her high, holding her hips down with his free hand as she shook on her way to the calm down.

“Too much,” she whimpered, hands grappling against his scalp. “Buck, please, it’s too much.” She dragged him by his hair away from her most vulnerable place.

“I wasn’t done,” he pouted. “You taste so good. Might be my new favorite snack.” His lips reunited with hers, and she could taste the remnants of her mess along his tongue, feeling the scruff of his facial hair scratch against her face.

“You promised,” she panted as she pulled away, “to fuck the shit out of me. Don’t tell me you lied.”

Bucky smirked at the challenge. “Never, doll. Never gonna lie to you.” With one hand, he carefully aligned himself with her entrance, but hesitated.

“Bucky?”

“Promise me,” he whispered. “Promise me you want this for me, not as a replacement.”

“I swear to you,” she solemnly stated, “that all I want is you, James Barnes.”

He pushed in slowly, so as not to hurt her. Within seconds, he was fully sheathed in her warmth. Both let out loud moans, and Y/N’s arms reached around his shoulders, pulling his chest to hers. The stretch was delicious, Y/N couldn’t help but think. It had been a while since she’d been with anyone, but even then, she couldn’t remember it feeling this right.

Bucky held his breath. God, this felt so good. Stars danced across his eyes as he realized there was no way he could stay still much longer. He needed to move. “Tell me when, doll,” he grunted.

“Move,” she breathed in his ear. Even though the words were practically a whisper, the demand in them was clear.

Never one, to disobey orders, Bucky pulled back and thrust in. Fast. It was official. Y/N’s moans were his favorite sound.

“Faster,” she breathed, face contorted into an expression of endless pleasure. ‘

“Yeah?” he smiled smugly. “I’ll give it to you faster, doll.” His hips moved at an impossible speed as she held him against her, face tucked into the crook of his neck. Her groans of pleasure fed right into his ear, and he never wanted anything else but this.

“Bucky,” Y/N moaned. “Buc- Bucky, please,” she cried. She didn’t even know what she was asking for. He was hitting that little spot with every thrust, angled just right and filling her so completely.

“I know, doll,” he groaned, chasing his high. “‘S like you were made for me,” he moaned. The words made Y/N whimper. “My perfect doll, yeah?”

Y/N keened under the praise, whining out loudly. “Bucky, baby, I’m gonna--”

“I feel you, doll. Let go for me.”

When Y/N reached her peak, she tightened, sucking his cock deep within her. Bucky moaned as his hips stuttered, one hand supporting him as the other wrapped around her back. Y/N cold feel him painting her walls.

Chests heaved as he eased them back down onto the bed, still buried in her heat. “You okay, doll?” he asked as he regained his breath.

“I think you broke me,” Y/N joked, voice croaking.

He went to roll over, but she followed him with a whine. “Don’t go,” she mumbled, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck. “‘M comfy right here.”

“‘M not going anywhere.” He smiled softly as he pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.

Y/N let out a playful scoff, moving just enough that she could look him in the eye. “All that, and you’re only gonna kiss the side of my face?”

He rolled his eyes, but instead of responding, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her lips as he pushed himself up. “I should get you cleaned up.”

“No,” she protested as he slipped out of her. She tried not to whimper at the sudden emptiness. “That can wait until morning. Come cuddle me.”

“Y/N…”

“Bucky, if you don’t come and cuddle me right fucking now I’ll start crying.” They both knew it was an empty threat, but nevertheless, Bucky found himself lying back down beside her, metal arm wrapping around her middle.

“You’re so pretty,” Y/N whispered as she traced a finger along his jawline. “Go to sleep, pretty boy.”

~~

Sleeping next to Bucky was the best sleep she’d had in ages. His body pressed against hers provided the warmth she needed, the cool metal a welcome contrast against the would-be steamy morning. His features were highlighted beautifully by the late morning sun creeping through the open window. Everything about him just felt… right. The way he held her, the way his body fit against hers like a puzzle piece locking into place. She had thought things were just perfect with Steve, but it was as if Bucky was made for her. Handcrafted by whatever god there may be above to fit her needs and desires.

His smile was softer, she realized, than what Steve’s had been. His hair was softer and felt amazing when she ran her hands through it. His eyes… Y/N could spend a lifetime staring into those eyes. Steve had beautiful blue eyes, yes. But Bucky’s redefined what the color could mean. Steve’s blues had always felt like a summer sky. Bucky’s felt like the ocean on a beautiful day: cool, refreshing, and deep beyond comparison, holding secrets within their depths she couldn’t wait to explore.

Maybe she could explore them after she used the bathroom, though.

“Bucky,” she whispered. “Wake up, baby.”

The man twisted his head towards her but didn’t awaken. Instead, his arm tightened around her middle, creating pressure exactly where she didn’t need it.

A quiet whimper escaped her. “Buck,” she pleaded, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I need you to wake up.”

He began stirring at the affection, but still didn’t open his eyes. Noting this, Y/N resorted to her last option: press kisses all over his face in the hopes he woke up before disaster struck.

“Doll,” he groaned sleepily, “ wha’s all that for?”

The moment his arm came up to rub the sleep out of his eyes, Y/N bolted up.

Bucky started to make a sound of protest, but Y/N quickly cut him off as she snatched her shirt off the floor. “You have quite literally got an iron grip,” she huffed, “and I’ve had to pee for the last half an hour.”

Bucky broke out into a chuckle as she escaped through the doorway. “Don’t be long,” he called after her, to which she responded by extending her arm just far enough past the door frame for him to see that he was being flipped off. More laughs forced their way out of his system before he took a deep breath, staring at the ceiling. It had really happened, he realized with a smile. The clothes strewn across his floor were evidence enough of that. The fact that he woke up next to her had made his day the moment it began.

He’d expected it to have been a dream. To have woken up yet again to another empty bed, to an annoying hard-on, and the idea that she could never feel the same.

She felt the same.

“Alright you incorrigible monster,” Y/N huffed as she reentered the room, toddling back to the bed. “You left a giant mess on me that I had to clean up.” She smirked as she hovered over his form, leaning down to capture his lips.

“I thought you said I could clean you up,” he pouted, wide eyes looking up at her.

“Well, maybe I missed a spot or two?”

Bucky’s eyes lit up as he rolled himself over, pinning her wrists above her head with one hand as he positioned himself on top. “You know, I think I should check.”

Oh, there was no way they were getting out of bed today.

~~

Her time with Bucky was simply… wonderful. She couldn’t even compare it to anything. He made her forget all the heartbreak and quite literally wiped any thought of him from her mind.

Which is why it came as even more of a surprise when a harsh knick rang out against Y/N’s door at two in the afternoon on a Sunday, while Bucky and Y/N were baking.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Bucky quizzed, shifting into defensive mode. It didn’t slip Y/N’s notice how he placed himself between her and the door, a natural barrier.

“No…” she trailed. “No, I’m not.”

“Miss Y/L/N?” came the quiet voice from the other side of the door. “Miss Y/L/N, are you home?”

Bucky raised an eyebrow quizzically, motioning for you to get behind him as he peered through the peephole. “It’s a guy and his kid.”

His brows furrowed as he undid the lock, opening the door just a sliver. “Who are you?”

“I’m… well,” the man struggled to find the words. He seemed to be around forty-something and looked… strangely familiar. Had they met before? No, Y/N pondered, she would have remembered that face.

“I’m Sam, Sam James Rogers. Junior. This is my son, Steven Buchanan. My granddad… passed, last night.”

The floor was ripped out from under Y/N. She pushed past Bucky, placing herself directly in front of the man. Of course, he was one of Steve’s. His appearance felt so… familiar. The blue eyes she once could have recognized anywhere. The blonde hair that she used to love running her hands through. It was all there, with just a slightly different face.

“He’s… gone?”

“He had a good life,” the younger boy piped in. He couldn’t have been over seventeen. “He talked about both of you guys, a lot, after Grandma Peggy died. He, um, asked us to give this to you.”

In the boy’s outstretched hand, he held a letter. Y/N couldn’t move. Was this the closure she’d been wanting? Was it an apology? Was it a final goodbye?

Could she read the final words of who she thought was the love of her life?

“Thank you.” Bucky reached across, grabbing the envelope.

“Anyways,” Sam sighed. “Me and my son, we’re both --as I’m sure you noticed-- named after you. I hope you know how much you meant to him. To all of us. We grew up with stories of you. You are our hero.”

The teenager was smiling softly at Bucky. He was flustered. How does one even begin to comprehend that?

“Thank you,” he settled for. “It’s, uh, it’s a lot to take in. I hope you don’t mind if we--”

“Oh, no take your time. If you want to talk, the service is next Thursday. He said you’d know where, Mr. Barnes.”

“Thank you,” Y/N whispered, distracted.

With a sad smile and a gentle nod, Bucky closed the door.

Silence was never more comforting.

“Are you going to read it?” Bucky finally breathed.

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

He grabbed her by the waist, gently tugging her closer. “Whatever you decide,” he mumbled as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, “I’m with you.”

“He was already gone, in my mind,” she choked out, burying her head in his shirt. “But now it’s real and it feels worse than I thought it would.”

~~

Sunshine,

I don’t know how long it will have been since I’ve gone that you’ll get this. I’m old now, I have the life I always promised you I’d give you. I’m sorry I’m not sharing it with you. I promised a lot of things that I could never have given you, and a part of me is sorry for that. I’m sorry I never told you I was leaving.

He loves you. He may not show it in all the best ways, but he’ll love you better than I ever could.

I wish I could say I was sorry for leaving you, but the only thing I’m really sorry about is not telling you. I wish I hadn’t lied to you that last night, but I have no regrets about going. These are the lives we were destined to have.

I found a way to forgive myself, and I hope you’ll find a way to forgive me too.

I’m happier here. I pray that, in some small way, you’re happy for me too. I hope you’re happy, with him. You deserve the world, the one he’ll give you.

I’ll forever regret that lie. But it turned out the best way it could.

Forever your friend,

Steve. x

He wasn’t sorry. He wasn’t sorry. For tearing her world apart. For ruining the best life she’d ever had. For taking the heart she’d handed him, the heart he’d promised to keep safe, and shredding it.

Bucky was furious. He hadn’t meant to read the letter, honest. But Y/N had left it out, on the dresser, when she’d sped past him in a flurry of flushed cheeks and tears, barely choking out “I’m going for a drive,” before she was out the door.

With a heavy sigh, Bucky put the letter down. A muscle in his jaw ticked. Steve didn’t think he was wrong for going, just for not telling her. He needed to clear his head. If he spent another minute near that goddamn paper, Bucky swore he would lose his mind.

The brink autumn air was a welcome sting as the ex-soldier stepped outside. His feet moved without any real purpose. He just wanted to clear his scrambled mind. Was this going to set her back again? Would Y/N lose all the progress she’d made towards feeling better? Would all that hard work she’d done go out the window the moment that his star-spangled apology fell empty?

Bucky didn’t even realize where he’d wandered until he saw the signpost.

West Hill Sunny Cemetery.

Steve’s mom and dad had been buried here. Of course, Steve would want to be in here, too. But that didn’t explain why he could see Y/N’s car against the curb, parked haphazardly. Bucky’s heart rate picked up when he heard muffled cries of anger from inside the wrought-iron fencing.

“Y/N!”

His feet were moving before his mind could even catch up, chasing the sound of her voice. “Y/N!”

The burly man skidded to a stop when he saw the sight in front of him.

Y/N knelt in front of the freshly set headstone. The undisturbed ground told her he hadn’t yet been laid to rest, but she paid no mind to the grass as it prickled the skin of her knees. Angry, hot tears made the words hard to make out, but she could see enough.

“You selfish, fucking asshole!” Her voice broke, betraying the angry expression and revealing the broken heart inside. “You promised me, you swore it wasn’t like that,” she cried.

When her bare fist came into contact with the stone, strong arms wrapped around her. A soothing voice murmured sweet calms in her ear, but she heard none of it.

“You lied to me!” She fought the bonds that kept her arms pinned to her sides, not recognizing it as the vibranium arm she’d spend her nights curled up against. She punched the stone more and more, taking her anger out on the slab of marbled granite in the spare moments she could escape Bucky’s restraining grasp. Bloodied bruises formed all across her skin as Bucky finally managed to collect the woman in his arms.

“Shh, love, it’s alright,” he whispered, even as his heart ached and screamed at just how not alright the situation was at all. “I’ve got you, it’s me, it’s Buck.”

Reality set back in. Steve was gone. He’d been gone. Bucky was here. Bucky was good, and right, and real. “I just…” she whispered, voice a broken remnant of the angry woman that was present mere moments ago. “I just wanted him to love me. Maybe I-- maybe I wanted him to be sorry he left, part of me hoped he missed me enough to feel sorry but he--” she cut herself off with a choked sob “--he didn’t even think he was wrong for it.”

“I know, doll, I know. Let it out.” So when Y/N pressed her face into his shoulder, tears wetting his shirt, he sighed angrily. Anger at the world, anger at Steve, but mostly just angry with himself for not being able to convince him to stay.

“I’ll spend more time missing him,” he heard her whisper against the crook of his neck, “than I ever did loving him.”

God if he wasn’t broken before, he was now. His arms tightened around her as he pressed himself impossibly closer as if ensuring himself she was still there. “It’s okay to miss him,” he whispered. “I’ll miss him the rest of my life. But you’re here. I’m here. We can’t spend our lives in his shadow. He… he didn’t know how to say it, but he wanted you to be happy. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m not asking you to forgive him,” the man breathed. Had breathing always been this hard? Why were his eyes getting hazy? Why were his cheeks flushing? “Just try to come back to me, yeah? Come back to James, sweetheart.”

When Y/N lifted her head, she was met with watery blue eyes and the kindest smile she’d ever known. “That’s my girl,” he choked. “I need you here with me. Don’t let him pull you back to where you started. You’ve done so good, angel, I just need you to stay with me here.”

Y/N tucked herself in the crook of his arm. “I’m here,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m here with you, Buck.”

Sitting together, bloody knuckles and tear-stained faces, staring at Steve’s headstone, Y/N finally felt like maybe, someday soon, it would be okay again. Maybe, she thought the longer they sat there, Bucky holding her so close against him like it was all either of them could ever need, maybe it was already okay.

~~

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you loved it.

Masterlist Found Here

[babyboibucky]

Kinda Like It When You Lie

Pairing: Destroyer!Chris x Reader

Summary: You discover the reason why Chris has been lying to you about his whereabouts.

Word Count: 2.9k

Warnings: le smut, le angst, le toxicity but a sorta happy ending I guess???

A/N: I tagged everyone in my Everything Bucky tag list because why not lmfao okay but no, I’m not sure how often I will be writing fics for Seb’s other characters so I won’t be having a separate tag list for that yet. If this isn’t something you’re not interested in, feel free to ignore skskks

I am dedicating this piece to @lookiamtrying​ who got so pissed off that her mans Chris got a lower vote count than Mickey (prior to the release of Monday) when I did my character fic survey lmfao ilysm, Mina!!! This was also inspired by FLETCHER’s If You’re Gonna Lie

MAIN MASTERLIST

Chris kissed you as if it was his last day on earth. It made your insides twist in a blissful way, the kind of kiss that literally took your breath away and made your head spin. You could feel your lungs burning up from the lack of oxygen and yet you didn’t want to pull away.

All you could focus on was how his lips moved against yours, how his tongue danced around your mouth as if he owned you. And in that moment, he really did.

You got lost in Chris— his taste, his rough palms against the smooth expanse of your skin, his weight on top of you as he pressed you down against the cheap motel bed.

It wasn’t until you tried to touch Chris that you realized he had restrained your wrists with something cold and hard. Pulling away from his fervent kiss, you glanced up and saw that he had both of your wrists handcuffed against the headboard.

Tugging at your wrists, you let out a chuckle. “What’re ya, a cop?” you asked.

Chris breathed out through his nose, “Kinda.” he rasped out before taking your bottom lip in between his teeth, tugging at it before sliding his tongue back into your mouth.

You moaned into the kiss and opened up your legs to fully accommodate Chris’ huge build, his pelvis thrusting against your clothed core making you whine against his lips.

“You gonna arrest me or somethin’?” you asked playfully, tilting your neck to the side as you allowed Chris to nip at your skin, his thick beard scratching you much to your delight.

He pulled back to look at your eyes, “Only for stealin’ my heart, darling.”

-

What you thought was a one-night stand turned into something more. Not that you were complaining, in fact, you’d quickly fallen head over heels for Chris. How could you not when he was the most honest man you’d met in your entire life?

After that first night, Chris told you everything about him and his job. An FBI agent who needed to go undercover as a drug dealer in order to infiltrate a huge drug syndicate. He had been undercover for a while now and it was consuming, he said. That’s how you found him drinking alone at the bar you worked at.

“You planning to consume our entire stock of beers or what?”

Chris let out a breathy chuckle as you placed two more bottles of beer on his table. The man had been in the bar for hours now, drowning his miseries away since his arrival. You noticed him as soon as he sauntered into the bar— all beard and tattooed muscles on display with the denim vest he wore.

“I’m sorry.” he huffed out and you were surprised at how soft spoken he was despite his tough exterior. “Work’s been stressing me out, is all.” He explained with a firm smile.

You couldn’t help but return the gesture, “Thought you were stressin’ over your girl.” You smirked.

Chris narrowed his eyes at you, tongue darting out to lick his lower lip. “Got no girl to come home to.” He said, voice an octave lower and a little bit rougher.

You bit your lip and shrugged, “Man like you can easily find a solution to that.” You said and winked before heading back behind the bar, swaying your hips a little more than the usual.

By the time you reached the bar, you looked back at Chris and caught him staring with a certain look in his eyes.

The same look he would give you whenever you get mad at him for coming home late. The look that always won you over no matter what.

-

“You said you’d be home by eight, Chris. That was four hours ago.”

Chris rubbed his face and dropped his keys on the tray by the front door. You watched him with suspecting eyes as he trudged towards you, eyes tired yet apologetic.

“‘m sorry, sweetheart. Went out with the guys, you know how it is.” he said and tried to reach out to you but you were quick to step back.

“Could’ve texted me, y’know? I made dinner, your favorite. Got cold and decided to throw it in the bin when you didn’t show up.” you said, shaking your head in disappointment and turned around to retreat back into the bedroom.

Chris caught you and gripped your waist in his strong hands, preventing you from further walking away. He pulled your back against his chest, nuzzling his face into your neck as he whispered apologies into your ear.

“I’m sorry, babe. Let me make it up to you, huh?” he murmured roughly into your ear. “Wanna make you feel good, make you forget my sins.” he teased, earning a soft chuckle from you.

He sucked the skin beneath your earlobe, making your knees weak and your core throb. Chris gently turned you around to face him until your eyes met his-- dark and still apologetic, you wondered why because you’d already forgiven him the moment his hands touched your skin.

Your question was immediately forgotten when Chris kissed you, tongue quickly finding its way into your mouth. His kisses were always so urgent, so hungry and feral.

He always kissed you as if it was the last time.

Clothes strewn everywhere, raspy grunts and high pitched moans, sweaty bodies moving against each other. Every single time you and Chris argued, it always ended the same way, with you giving in to his sweet words and hot touches.

A hand on your nape kept your cheek pressed down onto the mattress as Chris pounded you from behind. Laying flat on your stomach, you could feel every ridge and every vein of his cock as it dragged against your walls. Gripping the sheets tightly, your knuckles turned white as you slightly lifted your ass up earning a harsh spank from Chris.

“You fuckin’ like it when I fuck you rough?” he growled, spanking your ass again before squeezing it into his large hand.

You whimpered at the cold sensation of the rings on Chris’ fingers, wanting it to mark your skin as soon as he was done with you. You moaned when Chris pulled back until only the tip of his hard cock remained in your tight pussy. Tears gathered in the corner of your eyes when he pushed your nape further into the mattress at the same time he slammed back in with such force that made you elicit a sound akin to a wail.

“Right there, Chris!” you wantonly pleaded, your drool soaking the sheets beneath you.

“I got you, baby. Gonna fuck you so good you’d forget what you were mad about.”

And forget you did, not just once, not twice. Not even thrice. Every single time Chris came home to you smelling like someone else’s perfume when he claimed to be out with his friends, you always ended up willingly forgetting about it. Chris had you wrapped around his finger and you knew it.

You knew he was lying about his whereabouts and the thing was, you chose to believe in it.

Because with each lie that slipped past his lips, came the sweetest apology followed by a promise to make you feel good and Chris always delivered.

You’d rather hear Chris’ lies than to hear his goodbye just so you can have him in your bed again and again and again.

-

The last lie you tolerated was when he forgot about your anniversary and came home the next day, all moody and grumpy. He went straight to the bathroom, mumbling about how he was tired from work and you didn’t know whether he was lying again or not.

You’d believed too many of his lies by now that you couldn’t even determine which ones were the truth and which ones weren’t.

“Happy anniversary to us, Chris. In case you forgot.” you said as soon as he got out of the shower.

Chris’ face fell, eyes refusing to meet yours from shame. He should be ashamed and so should you, because you’ve tolerated his lies for a year now and no matter how much you wanted to confront him, you always ended up forgiving him.

“Fuck.” he cursed. “I’m sorry, it’s just that...the buy bust operation was last night and it slipped my mind.” he said.

And there it was again, the look in his eyes that turned you into a moaning mess beneath him as soon as his lips found yours. Whenever Chris would lie, it always seemed to be so fucking worth it. Because he always fucked you senseless until you were stupid for him, enough to let him get away with his pathetic excuses.

But not tonight, because as Chris bent you in half with his cock slipping in and out of your wet cunt, you promised that this will be the last time you’d enjoy the aftermath of his lies.

“Come on, baby. Give me one more. Want this pussy to milk my cock dry, c’mon pretty girl.” he urged, slipping a hand in between your sweaty bodies, his thumb swiping at your clit until stars exploded behind your eyes.

His name was chanted out like a prayer, your lips red and swollen from being kissed and bitten. A few more hard thrusts and you felt Chris spill his seed into you, warm ropes of his cum painting your walls. He carefully slipped your legs off from his shoulders before laying down on top of you, pressing open-mouthed kisses on your chest as the both of you caught on your breaths.

“Where were you last night?” you asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Chris turned his head to you, trying to read your face but you kept your gaze on the ceiling. Tears escaped your eyes as you laid on the bed, blinking them away when they wouldn’t stop spilling.

“I want the truth, Chris.” you added, wiping your tears with the back of your hand.

The bed moved when Chris sat up, reaching for your face and turning it to wards him. Your lips were trembling, fighting back your sob. Chris closed his eyes and shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” he said.

“I don’t want your apology, Chris. I want the truth, please.” you begged.

“I can’t stay with you anymore.” he said.

You frowned and sat up, bringing the sheets up to cover your naked body. “Who’s she?” you asked. “I know you’ve been seein’ someone behind my back, I want to know. Who is she? ‘nother FBI agent? Or someone you met while you were undercover?” you were more of mad than hurt now, all your suppressed emotions finally resurfacing and begging to be released.

Chris swallowed and refused to meet your gaze, “It’s...it’s not like that.” he said.

“The fuck you mean, Chris?” you asked.

There was silence for a brief moment, as if Chris was gathering up all the courage he had left in him. And then he looked at you with the same guilty, apologetic eyes again. But it was different now because you knew that there wouldn’t be anymore lies which meant no more sweet talk and no more Chris in your bed until the next morning.

“I never cheated on you.” he huffed out. “I’ve always been...with Erin.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You were a part of my undercover. The leader of the drug syndicate I was trying to infiltrate frequented the bar you worked at. Needed to get as much as information as I can and I easily got that when we started—”

Your hand trembled after landing a solid slap on Chris’ face. Your heart ached, your vision spun and suddenly, nothing made any sense to you anymore. All this time, you thought that was Chris was being unfaithful to you when in truth, he was cheating…with you.

Now you finally understood why he always kissed you as if it was the last time, why he looked at you with those apologetic eyes whenever he came home late, whenever he lied.

Chris told you the entire truth, that he was at the bar during an operation and not after. He manipulated you into believing that everything he told you were real, that he was a good and an honest man, that Erin was nothing but a partner at work.

“When you said you love me, was that a lie too?” you asked, voice breaking because this was too much. Everything was too much.

Chris held your face in between his hands, rubbing his thumbs across your cheeks, “No. No, that wasn’t a lie. I do, I love you. As soon as the operation was done, I couldn’t say goodbye. I always said I’d tell you the truth but I couldn’t. I wish I hadn’t met you like this.” he reassured.

You pushed him away and covered your face with your hands, unable to believe that for an entire year, you’d dedicated your life and your love to someone who had been using you.

“Does she know about me?” you asked.

Chris nodded, “She does.”

You scoffed, “She fuckin’ pities me, doesn’t she? Probably told you to take your time, ‘cause the truth will fuckin’ ruin me.” you said and chuckled bitterly.

“You used me, Chris. Fuckin’ used me and made me a goddamn fool. Is Chris even your real name? Who the fuck are you?” you asked.

“I lied about everything except for two things. My name and when I said I love you.”

You shook your head, wiping away your tears. You’ve finally woken up, brought yourself back to consciousness and decided to accept that Chris was never honest and that not once did he become yours.

“Liar.”

-

Picking up the pieces of your broken trust was very much like working with the shards of a broken mirror. At times you came out unscathed but for the most part, you were left wounded and bleeding and in pain.

Putting all the broken pieces back together was definitely not easy and it took you years to do so. No matter how careful you were though, the mirror was never completed. There were ugly cracks and everywhere that you couldn’t hide and there was a missing piece. But that’s alright, because you tried to put yourself back together and you weren’t perfect but at least you did your best.

The bar you started working for was quite new, which explained how busy it was even on a slow Wednesday. It wasn’t as big as the old bar you used to work at, but this was newer and catered to a more classy crowd.

No rough bikers, no FBI agents going undercover, no funny businesses.

“Two bottles of beer for table seven.” your manager called out, “Thought it’d be slow today, boy was I wrong.” she commented to which you chuckled.

Taking out two ice-cold bottles from the fridge, you weaved through the crowd and tables until you reached your destination. Placing the bottles on top of the table, you asked the customer if he wanted to order something to go with his drinks.

Taking out your notepad, you finally looked up and was met with a pair of familiar blue eyes. You almost didn’t recognize Chris if it weren’t for those eyes. He was no longer sporting a buzz cut and had longer locks, his beard had grown out but was well-trimmed. His tattooed arms weren’t in full display and instead of the usual denim outfits he wore, he was merely clad in a plaid, maroon button down shirt.

“Hi.”

You couldn’t help but scoff, “Let me guess, you’re undercover and your target is a frequent customer here.” you said.

Chris laughed mirthlessly and shook his head, “I quit from that job years ago.” he said, much to your surprise.

“You stressin’ over your girl?” you asked.

“Got no girl to come home to...anymore.” Chris replied, those damn apologetic eyes making your knees weak once again.

You rolled your eyes at him and placed your notepad back in your apron, “If you’ve nothin’ else to order, then enjoy your beer. I guess.” you said and turned around but was quickly tugged back when Chris grabbed at your wrist.

Scowling at him, you eyed his hand and then back up at his eyes. They didn’t look apologetic though, you realized, he was giving you the same look but something was different.

You just didn’t know what changed.

“I did love you.” he said. “And I still do and I want to come home to you again.” he quickly added, tightening his grip around your wrist as if he was afraid to let you go.

Surprisingly, there was not an ounce of anger left in your heart. It had been a complete three years since the incident. He left you feeling used and broken but you managed to fix yourself. Not completely, but enough to find it in your heart to forgive Chris for what he did.

“I want to believe you, I really do. But it’s hard for me to do that now.” you explained.

Chris nodded in understanding, “I know but I want to start over again. Make things right, if you’d let me. No lies this time, just me and my truth.” he said, his thumb rubbing soft circles against the inside of your wrist.

Honesty. Pure and genuine honesty— that’s what changed in the way Chris looked at you. There wasn’t any guilt in there anymore, no hidden agendas and whatnot.

Just the truth and the missing piece you never knew you needed to complete your mirror.

-

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