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you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus · 6 years ago

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Cyrus’ Dictionary

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Summary: Cyrus has always been good with words; there’s a reason English is his favorite subject. But with TJ, he seems to be at a loss for words. When they get paired up for a summer assignment, Cyrus slowly starts to build a new dictionary. One that involves TJ and everything they do together. Along the way, maybe he’ll find the words to tell him how he feels.

Chapter 7: Mamihlapinatapai

Word Count: 4175

Read on AO3

“I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while,” Cyrus started, gazing up with his warm eyes, “I like you so much TJ, TJ, TJ . . .TJ. . .

“TJ!”

“What?” TJ snapped awake, his leg involuntarily kicking the castle in front of him, “oh,” he muttered, upon seeing Amber in front of him.

She looked at him knowingly, pushing the pieces from the broken castle aside. “You had that dream again didn’t you,” she stated simply.

Groaning, TJ flopped back down, rubbing his eyes with his hands. “Leave me alone to sleep,” he muttered, pulling the blanket on top of his head.

“It’s like half-past noon, TJ, I’m not going to let you-”

“-wait what?” he pushed the blanket aside, scrambling to find his phone, “did you say half past noon?”

“Yeah?” Amber questioned, looking between her brother and the clock on the wall, “why? You’re late for a date with Cyrus?” she joked, heading back up the stairs.

“Not the time!” she could hear TJ call as he frantically rushed to tear off his pajama pants and slip on some shorts. “Crap,” he muttered to himself, grabbing his phone and headphones and rushing up the stairs. He slipped on sneakers, and quickly left the house, running down the sidewalk towards the basketball court. All he could hear was the quickening of his breath and his feet pounding the pavement. He could barely start to make out the trees around the court when he remembered.

His journal. It wasn’t in his pockets, and he knew he was probably going to need it today. Exhaling a frustrated breath, he started jogging back home, realizing that he was probably going to lose to Marty if he kept up at this rate.

Before he went inside, he took a moment to compose himself. He had a plan; walk in, grab the journal, leave. He took one step inside and was greeted by his mother, holding his journal in her hand.

His journal.

The one where he wrote about Cyrus and how much fun it was to be around him. He could feel his throat seizing up, breathing now becoming the second most important thing. The first was getting that journal into his hand.

“What’s this?” she asked, her voice low and quiet. That usually meant she knew something, but she was waiting for TJ to tell her what it was.

“My. . .journal,” he choked out, “for my journalism class,” he added. He felt like he was going to faint, each word taking an immense amount of effort. Dizziness overcame him, and he had to casually lean on the wall for stability.

“Hm,” she hummed, flicking mindlessly through the first few pages, “there’s a lot about. . .that kid in here,” she noted, her tone with a bit of a bite to it. TJ felt like he was going to be sick.

“We’re partners,” he breathed out, swallowing thickly, his hands starting to tremble against the wall, “and . . . we write about the day’s activities. I, uh, I’m going to shoot hoops with Marty, so can I,” he gestured vaguely to where she was standing.

She stared at him for a moment, her tired eyes trying to read him, but his gaze was on the small book in her hand. “Just,” she paused, extending her arm out, “be careful around him,”

“Yup,” he squeaked out, swiping the journal from her grasp and running out the door, regaining a sense of relaxation. The nausea that came with being around his mom whenever Cyrus was concerned slowly eased away. Again, he ran down the sidewalk, the familiar sight of the trees in the distance putting him at ease. As he pulled up to the court, he took a second to catch his breath before waltzing out with as much confidence as he could muster.

“Kippen, where’ve you been?” Marty asked him, “it’s,” he looked at his watch, “almost one in the afternoon,”

“You missed me whooping his ass,” Buffy piped up, poking his side gently, to which Marty burst out in a fit of giggles, pushing her away.

“I wouldn’t use that terminology. More like, you slightly edged me out, but only because the sun was in my eyes,” he defended, crossing his arms.

“Right,” Buffy mumbled, looking at TJ like he was a camera on The Office, “so, long night?”

TJ nodded. “I went to bed kinda late last night, almost 4 I think? I just. . .couldn’t sleep,” he lied, grabbing the basketball from Buffy’s feet and dribbling it absentmindedly.

“Something on your mind?” Buffy prodded, breaking out into a full grin.

“. . .something like that,” TJ muttered, shaking his head slightly, “so, how are your journals coming along? Considering you spend every moment attached at the hip,” he mused, twirling the ball in his hand.

“Pretty good,” Marty supplied, pushing his hair back, “We already have a bunch of entries in there and a ton of pictures,” he chuckled, giving Buffy a look, “how about you?”

“Oh it’s. . .great,” he lied, nodding, “it’s been fun, hanging out with Cyrus and, like, actually doing things. Makes the summer go by a little faster,”

Marty nodded in acknowledgement, taking the ball from TJ. “Did you invite Cyrus to come watch us play?”

TJ shook his head. “It completely slipped my mind, considering I slept in,”

“We should all go to the Spoon for lunch, then,” Buffy suggested, “you can invite Cyrus,” she added, waggling her brows.

“You’re being weird,” TJ groaned, pulling out his phone to text him, “but yeah, I’m in. I didn’t have breakfast so I could use something,”

[Me: hey do you wanna go to the spoon w/ buffy and marty?]

The text back was almost immediate.

[Underdog <3: i’m actually omw there rn! I’ll meet up with u guys]

“He’s already heading there,” TJ informed them, following behind them. Marty had taken Buffy’s hand and was now swinging it. If he strained, he could just make out Buffy’s blush when she turned towards her boyfriend. He sighed, popping in his headphones and turning on his music loud enough to block out everything else that was happening. TJ seemed to be doing a lot of that lately, trying to block out everything and create an instrumental barrier for himself. His mom had told him that it ‘wasn’t healthy for someone to block things out with music’. She acted as though he was addicted to it like a drug, which, in retrospect, he probably was. And it wasn’t hurting anyone, unless you counted that one time that he flailed his arms so hard he’d hit Amber.

There was this persistent sound though, that didn’t mesh with his music. Glancing up he say Buffy saying something or rather mouthing something, since he couldn’t really make out what she was saying.

“Huh?” he said, pulling out one earbud.

“I said Cyrus is waiting inside,” she pointed inside to a table where Cyrus was sitting and chatting with one of the waiters.

TJ paused his music, taking out both of his earbuds and putting them in his pocket. “Oh, right,” he murmured, carding his fingers through his hair. Marty held the door for him, briefly taking note of TJ’s expression. He met his gaze for a split second, but looked away immediately.

“Okay, no you did not kick my a-”

“-I so did! You’re just denying it beca-”

“-that’s a lie and you know it!”

That’s how things went for a while. Buffy and Marty tried to catch Cyrus up with what happened on the court, but they kept getting bogged down in details, so the story hardly progressed. Cyrus looked as though someone was telling him directions in a foreign language. His face portrayed that yes, he was listening, but no, he had no idea what was happening.

Luckily, the waiter came back during one of their arguments and brought them their food; two large orders of baby taters, two vanilla milkshakes, one strawberry, and one chocolate.

“I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t get at least half of that,” he admitted, dipping a tater into the chocolate shake, “but I swear I was paying attention and there was indeed some basketball terminology in there,”

Buffy shook her head, taking a long sip of her strawberry milkshake. “In short, I kicked his ass,”

“Language,” he muttered, playing with the straw mindlessly.

Buffy snorted, effectively spilling some of her shake on her. “I’ll get some extra napkins,” Marty said, scooting out of the booth and going to find some napkins.

“I’m gonna try and clean up in the bathroom,” Buffy grumbled, “on one of my favorite shirts too,” she whined, excusing herself to go to the bathroom

Cyrus drummed his fingers on the table, taking a small sip of his shake. “So, how was the rest of your yesterday after I left?” he asked, putting his hands in his lap.

TJ shrugged, taking a sip of his vanilla shake as if to clear his throat. “It was alright. After we left the park, Amber and I went into the basement and built, like, this insanely cool castle from a Lego set we had years ago, just to kind of clear her head with the whole,” he lowered his voice, almost scouting the establishment, “breakup. And I didn’t fall asleep till late, like really late, so I was late to go and shoot hoops with Marty and Buffy because I forgot my journal at home and my mom-” he paused, popping a tater in his mouth to buy himself time to find the right words.

“. . .my mom gave it to me, and then I had to run to the courts, but I’d already missed Marty and Buffy playing and then they asked me if I wanted to go to the Spoon for lunch because I didn’t have breakfast and then they asked me if I wanted to invite you and-”

He stopped for a breath, but once he met Cyrus’ eyes, it was like a computer virus had overridden his brain. All he could think about was how beautiful Cyrus was from this distance, and how much more beautiful he probably was when he was a little closer. And yeah, he knew he was staring, but Cyrus didn’t break the gaze, so neither did TJ.

And by some universal, and probably magical, force TJ could feel himself moving forward, ever so slightly. For a split second, his gaze flicked to Cyrus’ lips before quickly returning to his eyes. Gosh, he could stare at them forever, and in that moment, it felt like they were in a little bubble. It almost looked as if Cyrus was getting a little closer too, although that could have been TJ’s imagination. He didn’t flinch, he just held the gaze, as if he was waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to initiate something.

“My shirt’s all wet, I need napkins, Marty!” Buffy’s voice shattered whatever moment was building between the two of them. They immediately jumped back, hearts beating like a rabbit’s, and sat as far away as possible on the booth seat. It was as though they’d been touched by fire, their bodies burned. TJ could hear his blood thump in his ears, and Cyrus felt as though he’d just been jump scared.

“For my lady,” Marty presented the napkins like a knight, bowing down slightly, “to help with. . .that,”

Buffy smirked, giving him a quick peck on the cheek and graciously accepting the napkins. “Why thank you,” she chuckled, sliding into the booth with Marty and looking across at the other boys.

“Something’s off,” Marty mouthed to her, looking between TJ and Cyrus, then back at Buffy, “we’ll I’m hungry,” he blurted out, grabbing a few tater tots and munching on them.

“Oh yeah, me too,” Buffy quickly jumped in taking a loud sip of her milkshake. Cyrus barely picked at the taters, rolling one around in his hand instead. TJ moved his straw up and down in his glass, his gaze occasionally flitting to the empty basket of baby taters. Marty and Buffy tried to make banter, but only one word answers from both boys.

“I think. . .I’m gonna go shoot some hoops,” Marty decided, dropping a few crumpled bills on the table, “TJ, you wanna come with?”

He nodded silently, pulling out a few dollar bills and setting them on the table. “See you guys later,” he said, giving Buffy a nod before heading out the door. Once he was out of earshot, Buffy leaned her body against the table.

“What was that?” she hissed, looking at Cyrus with wide eyes.

Cyrus shrugged nonchalantly, breaking a tater in half. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he lied, “nothing’s going on between me and TJ,”

Buffy opened her mouth to say something, but clamped it down, breaking into a mischievous grin. “I didn’t say that there was anything going on between you and TJ. You did,”

Cyrus felt his face go hot, and opted for taking a few sips of his milkshake. “Whatever, you were implying it and you know it,” he grumbled, crossing his arms.

“Aw, you’re so cute when you’re smitten,” she teased, sipping her shake.

Cyrus nearly choked on his drink, coughing and sputtering to try and regain his composure. “I’m not ‘smitten’,” he choked out, tears budding from the corners of his eyes from hacking up his lungs.

“Hm, fine,” she sighed, dipping a tater in her milkshake, but dropping it accidentally, “crap,” she groaned.

“That’s what you get for being nosy,” Cyrus scolded playfully, sticking his tongue out in retaliation.

Buffy rolled her eyes, grabbing another tater. “But come don’t you think that he, you know,” she waved her hands a little, grabbing a second tater tot, “likes you?”

Cyrus snorted, shaking his head and leaning his arms back against the booth. “You’re delusional, Buff,” he chided, “hate to break it to you, but TJ’s as straight as Iris’ hair,”

Buffy pursed her lips, drumming her fingers on the table. “More like as straight as my hair,” she muttered, popping both taters in her mouth.

Tired of the topic, Cyrus pulled out his journal and started writing for his journalism class. It was at least some sort of distraction.

6/12

Today I spent part of my morning working on my homework for the summer. Towards the middle of the afternoon, TJ and I, along with Buffy and Marty, went to the Spoon for lunch. We--

Buffy craned her neck to try and read what he was writing, but Cyrus immediately shut his journal, putting it under his leg. “I saw TJ,” she said in a sing-song manner, raising her brows.

“We are literally partners for this assignment,” he deadpanned, finishing off his milkshake, and pulling out enough money to pay for both their meals, “I got it, but you gotta stop bugging me about T-”

“Hold that thought,” she muttered, her phone buzzing in her pocket, “Marty’s taking me to a movie for a date tonight,” she cheered, smiling down at her phone and firing back a text, “I swear I won’t bug you about him for,” she paused, “the rest of the week,” she decided, slipping out of the booth and towards the door, “bye Cy!”

Cyrus gave her a salute as a goodbye, and once she was gone, he pulled out his journal again to finish writing his entry.

We had the usual, baby taters and milkshakes. Buffy spilled some of hers so Marty went to get her extra napkins while she tried to wash up in the bathroom. So it was just me and TJ for a little while and

He stopped, carding his hand through his hair. What was he supposed to write? That they stared at each other for a little while and then stopped?

and then Marty and Buffy came back. We all ate, and then TJ and Marty left to play basketball, so it was just me and Buffy for bit. We talked about

Another groan, another hand rubbing his eyes.

about our friends for a little bit. Then she got a text from Marty that they were going to go to the movies on a date. Today was pretty uneventful, but I’m sure more will happen in the coming days.

He shut his journal, still thinking back to that moment where he and TJ were just staring. Not like when you zoned out in class and you were fixated on one point, but truly staring, like the kind in the cheesy movies. It was like. . .they were both waiting for something to happen, or at least Cyrus was. But neither of them moved; they were both cemented in their place, and then Buffy came and whatever was happening was broken.

“And there’s probably a word for that,” he mumbled to himself, pulling his phone out and typing out his search entry.

what do you call it when two people kinda look at each other and want something to happen but neither of them does anything

It took him three seconds to find the word, and approximately three minutes to figure out how to pronounce it, but when he did, he scrawled it in the back of his journal.

mamihlapinatapai: a look shared by two people, each wishing that that other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin

Yup, there it was, A perfect description of that perfectly awkward moment between them. The waiter came by to collect the money and take away the empty glasses. Cyrus thanked him and headed out, walking down the street back towards his home. He flicked back to the end of his journal, reading through his little list of words. TJ would probably think it was the lamest thing in the world, and that was precisely why he, along with the rest of his friends, was not going to find out about them.

“So,” Marty began, “you and Cyrus?”

TJ nearly tripped over his sneakers as he tried to make a shot, but missed completely and airballed, thanks to Marty. “Thanks a lot,” he grumbled, inhaling deeply and exhaling while Marty fetched the ball and threw is back to him.

TJ took another shot, having it bounce off the backboard and into the hoop. “What about me and Cyrus?”

Marty took the ball for a layup, and then threw it back to TJ. “You guys are, you know. . .” he hand waved, as if waiting for TJ to finish his sentence.

“Dating? You think we’re dating?” he asked incredulously, taking another shot, but missing.

“I mean, I guess yeah,” he admitted, scratching the back of his neck, “I thought it was pretty obvious,”

TJ scoffed, passing the ball to Marty. “In my dreams,”

Marty raised his brows, a sly smile splitting his face. “Aha! So you do like him,” he countered, dribbling the ball absentmindedly.

TJ rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Yes, Marty, I do like him. I really think you’re catching on here,” he sassed, grabbing the ball from him and shooting, making it with the help of the backboard.

“So why not ask him out?” Marty suggested simply, dribbling the ball back to TJ, “what’s stopping you?”

TJ pretended to think it over for a minute, become coming to an artificial eureka moment. “Oh, well when you put it like that,” he mused sarcastically, “I would only be ruining my friendship with someone who’s really important to me,”

Marty lightly punched his arm, making goo-goo eyes. “Aw, TJ Kippen is so smitten for Cyrus,” he cooed, earning a glare from the captain.

“Say one word about it and you’re dead,” he threatened, but his face was anything but unhappy, “either way, it’s not important. I like him, but he just wants to be friends, and I’m totally cool living with that constant pain,”

Marty frowned, holding the ball between his torso and his arm. “How do you know he just wants to be friends?” TJ opened his mouth to reply, but Marty beat him to it. “You don’t,”

TJ sighed, taking the ball from him and spinning it in his hands. “I just feel. . .different when I’m with him,”

“Good different or bad different?”

“. . .both, I guess,” he decided, bouncing the ball a few times, “I don’t know, man, feelings just suck,”

Marty nodded, swiping the ball away from him and shooting it, making it through the hoop. “I win!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

“We were just shooting hoops! There aren’t winners and losers,” TJ practically whined, crossing his arms and pouting like a child.

“There are always winners and losers,” Marty insisted, running over to the bench and texting, “I’m going to see a movie with Buffy to celebrate, but I’ll catch you around,” he said, giving him a fist bump and jogging down the sidewalk.

TJ picked up the ball spinning it around in his hands for a moment. He dribbled it out to the three-point line, squinting. The sun was starting to set, so its oranges and yellows were nearly blinding TJ. He wanted to stay and shoot hoops for a little while more, but all he could think about was that moment with him and Cyrus. Him and Cyrus, staring at each other, neither one of them making a move. They almost. . .

“No,” TJ muttered to himself. He and Cyrus did not almost kiss. Any movement that had happened was all in his imagination; there was no way that Cyrus could even want to kiss him. He let out a frustrated breath; this was going to be one hell of a journal entry when he got to writing it.

So there he stood in front of the free throw line, the remainder of the sunlight pouring through the trees that he always seemed to find peaceful. He took a shot, missing and hitting the top of the backboard. Groaning, he grabbed the ball and tried again, hitting the rim this time and having it fall to the ground, without going through the hoop.

“Shit,” he sneered, tossing the ball against the fence as hard as he could, his breathing a bit heavier than before. Even though he really didn’t want to admit it to himself, he wasn’t making any of his shots because all he could think about was Cyrus. Cyrus, whose brown eyes were so warm and inviting that TJ could stare at them forever and never get bored. Cyrus, whose hands probably fit his like a glove, even if they were occasionally dry during the winter. Cyrus, who was quite possibly the kindest person he’d ever met. Cyrus, who was intelligent. Cyrus. Cyrus. Cyrus. It’s all that his mind could seem to chant.

He found himself in front of the free throw line again, bouncing the ball a few times on the ground. “Give me a sign,” he said, more to himself than the universe, “tell me things are gonna be okay,”

Bracing himself, he took a shot, and the ball rolled around the rim once. Twice. Three times. It teetered for a moment, and TJ knew it wasn’t going to go through. He quickly turned around not willing himself to see himself miss again. He started walking home, hearing the ball bounce a few times on his way out.

If only he hadn’t turned around for a few more seconds, he would have seen it fall through the hoop.

“So, how was hoops with TJ?” Buffy asked as they waited in line for popcorn, “did he kick your ass?”

Marty smirked, putting his hands on his hips with pride. “Actually, I beat him,” he boasted, dusting off his shoulders.

“Color me impressed,” she joked, moving up a few steps, “you guys were there a while. Did you talk about-”

“-him and Cyrus?” they finished together.

“Yeah,” Marty admitted, scratching the back of his neck, “I mean, I don’t think I’m in the position to tell you what he said, but yeah, Cyrus,”

Buffy nodded, picking at the remnants of her nail polish. “Cyrus and I talked about him too,” she added, “not sure if I can say anything either, but I think we probably know things that they don’t,”

Marty groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Don’t even get me started. I told TJ that I thought he and Cyrus were dating,”

Buffy shoved him slightly, causing him to bump into the lady in front of him. “You’re kidding,” she wheezed, wiping a tear from her eye, “you didn’t,”

“I did,” he admitted sheepishly, making his way to the front of the line, “I’m such an idiot,”

“I know, and that’s why you’re paying for the snacks,” she said though laughter, almost unable to compose herself.

“If you laugh through this movie, so help me,” Marty mumbled, paying for the popcorn and water bottles.

“Dating,” Buffy choked out, stumbling towards the theatre with awkward steps.

“Dating,” Marty mocked, the two of them taking their seats in the cinema. And yes, Buffy laughed throughout almost the entire movie.

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icharchivist · 6 years ago

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i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past.

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it.

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks.

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy.

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it.

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”?

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important?

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell.

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now???

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world.

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with.

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex.

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened?

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did.

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right?

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards.

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general.

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another.

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched.

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

#ichapersonal #really just. scroll past.#it's just an episode i need to let it out or else it'll eat me out #anyway back into Repressing Stuff.

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storytaeme · 7 years ago

Text

celebration – vmin

Doctors had always been his enemy, however, for the sake of the Christmas champagne, he would get his teeth fixed up by the cutest dentist.

vmin week 2017 – taehyung x jimin

❧ Elements: Fluff | Dentist AU, Christmas Party AU

❧ Word Count: 5,353 words

❧ A/N: Merry Christmas, you guys!! I procrastinated again and hence this was finished off again in a little over 2 hours. It was fun to write so I hope you can enjoy it :^D (forgive typos my eyes r blurry rn)

Taehyung didn’t like doctors very much. As a kid, he had shied away from anyone who even resembled the authoritative figure. It wasn’t as if he had some traumatizing experience getting stabbed with a needle in the wrong part of his body—no. Doctors were generally just intimidating with their lab coats and strong frowns. They tried to play nice when he was younger, smiled and offered him a lollipop. But as he grew older, the fear towards them only amplified. They were less nice too—he never got candy anymore.

Whenever he could, he would just get his own medicine and treat his own wounds and sicknesses, avoiding the doctor as much as he could. However, there came a time in every adult’s life when they must face their fear for the good of their lives and the world itself.

The time for Taehyung was upon him.

It happened sometime close to Christmas. It was the first week of December and someone from the office, Seokjin, had brought homemade fruitcake for everyone in the building to nibble on. Seokjin was commonly known as the chef of the crew. He was an expert in all sorts of goodies and treats, which made everyone wonder why he went corporate instead of opening his own bakeshop. So fruitcakes were never a huge Thing with anyone, but the man had his way of making it so that everyone could enjoy it. It was delicious and Taehyung looked forward to it every year.

Unfortunately for him that year, things took a turn for the worse. It was in the first bite that Taehyung found himself in pure agony. He had released a yelp which caught the attention of the baker himself who hurried over in worry. “Oh my God, are you okay? Did you bite something hard?”

Taehyung winced and swallowed the treat. It went down smoothly so surely there was nothing in the cake that was the problem. However, his cheek was throbbing painfully and he could feel it swelling grossly. “Ugh,” he groaned, “this hurts, what the fuck?”

“Ha,” Jeongguk, an intern who had the guts of a senior member, snorted, “you must have a hole in your tooth or something. That’s what you get for not flossing.” This was probably his karma for making fun of Jeongguk for flossing after every meal. It wasn’t his fault—flossing was just such a tedious task, he didn’t know why anyone did it after every meal.

“Fuck off, Jeon,” he snapped, the pain biting at his cheek once again. This was such a bitch to deal with, especially during Christmas when everyone was in the gift-giving mood which meant that there was always something good to eat in the office—free of charge. He loved Christmas and all of its capitalism glory.

Seokjin’s brows furrowed in concern. “He might be right, Taehyung-ah, when was the last time you went to the dentist?”

Answer: ninth grade when he needed to take his braces off.

Like he said, doctors scared him, but dentists were the worst. How anyone could just dig into someone’s mouth like that, drill holes into their teeth, and stick on pieces of metal that would magically right the structuring of his teeth was beyond him. If Taehyung limited his visits to his general practitioner, he downright avoided his dentist religiously. The guy was hell to deal with, was merciless when it came to numbing to pain (read: he never fucking numbed Taehyung to the pain). He needed to find a new one but had managed long enough to avoid the task for a double win situation in which he could eschew yet another doctor, as well as the actual dentist hunting job.

“Dunno, been a while,” he lied through his teeth which was still stinging.

“You should go, definitely go before Namjoon’s party.”

Namjoon was another of their coworker but was a close friend in their tight knit group. He held his annual Christmas party at his huge penthouse that his parents had gotten for him after graduation and always celebrated with a ton of booze and great snacks. It was a dream come true for an office worker like Taehyung who worked a low position that paid bordering on minimum wage. Plus, the guy always had the best champagne in the house that left Taehyung buzzing and giggly for the night.

“I hate my dentist, hyung,” Taehyung whined.

“Kim Taehyung,” Seokjin scolded as Jeongguk snickered, “you are a grown man, you are 27—”

“Excuse you, I am 28.”

“Even worse!” he huffed, throwing his hands in the air, “you should definitely get that checked up. I know a good friend of mine who just picked up a job nearby. He’s pretty reliable and was top of his class so he can take good care of you.”

Taehyung was about to spit out another whine about the evil of dentists but Seokjin only shoved a namecard in his direction. He took it gratefully and stared at it, hoping that his glare would burn holes right through it so he would avoid going to it. Alas, fate was not with him, and he didn’t have laser beams for eyes. In addition to that, he really, really wanted to enjoy that good ass champagne in Namjoon’s house.

Thus, some sacrifices must be made. Taehyung made his way to the dentist right after work.

“Did you go, Kim Taehyung?” Seokjin pressed, slamming his hand on his desk. It was break time and Seokjin had stalked his way over to his desk to interrogate him.

“Yeah, I’m a-okay, hyung,” he grinned.

Seokjin narrowed his eyes suspiciously before pulling out a cold bottle of water. The sight of it had his stomach sinking. “Drink this.”

“Hyung—”

“Do it.”

Fuck, he was fucked. He brought the mouth of the bottle to his lips and thought, hey, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Taehyung has learned that he was wrong about a lot of things in life—this was only another to add onto his list.

The pain was excruciating, traveling all the way from the ache in his teeth to a muddy fizzling in his brain. He let out a yelp as he banged his head against his desk to alleviate some of the pain with another. “Fucking shit, motherfucking holy shit,” Taehyung let out expletive after expletive as he continued to ram his forehead into his table.

“Serves you right,” Seokjin laughed, “I told you to go. Why didn’t you?”

“It’s scary, hyung,” Taehyung pouted, hoping that his cutesy act would work.

But his friend always had a better act, so it wasn’t surprising that it didn’t work on him. “Nice try, buddy. I’m calling my friend right now to book you and appointment and, if you don’t go, I will know and you will suffer my wrath. Understood?” Taehyung stuck out his bottom lip further. “I said, understood?”

“Yes, hyung,” he said, defeated.

That was how he ended up standing in front of the dentist office. That tooth sign above the building with the smiley face on it was taunting him, mocking him for being too chicken shit to even go into the place. He sucked up a huge breath before walking inside. There were so many people. It was terrifying.

Taehyung was about to walk outside when the nurse stopped him. “Kim Taehyung?”

Holy shit, how did they know his name? They were part of the mafia, weren’t they? He fucking knew there was something off about doctors. They all probably conspired for world domination. “Um, yes,” he squeaked.

“Welcome!” she grinned, “I’ve been instructed by one of our doctors to intercept you should you attempt to leave.”

What the fuck? “Who’s the doctor?”

“Dr. Park, he said that his friend called in to make sure you arrived. Since you’re already here, why don’t you take a seat? He’s finishing up with a patient and should be with you momentarily.”

Taehyung had his hands tied. It wasn’t as if he could run when the nurse kept a hawk’s eye on him, smiling at him every once in a while almost threateningly. It was as if she was warning him that she had a close watch on him. His knee kept bouncing the entire time. The clock was ticking aloud on the wall, reminding him of the passing seconds that came closer to his death. When his name was finally called, Taehyung let out a yelp and jumped to his teeth. That earned him a few chuckles from the other patients. Har de har, good to know his pain was bringing them some form of amusement.

“Follow me, Mr. Kim,” the nurse smiled sweetly and led him down another hallway towards one of the rooms.

Dr. Park Jimin

Holy shit. He was going to die. The nurse announced his arrival and he heard a deeper, more masculine voice respond from the other side. When he finally stepped in, really, the last thing he was expecting was a cherubic looking man who had a crinkly-eyed smile greeting him. He looked almost like an angel. To say he was beautiful would be an understatement. “Um, hi,” Taehyung cleared his throat awkwardly, fidgeting with his fingers.

“Taehyung right? Seokjin-hyung called earlier,” Jimin nodded. Taehyung wondered if Seokjin had exposed his fear of doctors despite being in his late twenties. “I heard you had a difficult time coming here so I appreciate you making the effort.” Yep, he definitely told him.

“Yeah, it’s a bit of a situation,” he chuckled nervously.

“Don’t be so scared,” Jimin smiled politely and gestured to the seat, “please. Get yourself comfortable and I’ll be with you in a second. I’ll just do a quick checkup to see the problem and we can fill in the holes should you need. Does that sound good?”

Taehyung could only manage a nod before robotically making his way over to the seat. He settled back and shifted around to get his shoulders to stop tensing up. But every time Jimin made some noise behind him where he couldn’t see, all he could picture was all the ways he could escape the room.

When Jimin finally appeared before him, snapping his gloves into place (Taehyung gulped at that), Taehyung was practically shuddering in fear. It didn’t go by unnoticed by the man, of course. “Are you okay, Taehyung-ssi?”

“F-fine, just a little nervous.”

Jimin’s lips quirked up on the corners. “Don’t worry, you’re in good hands. I’ll make sure it doesn’t hurt one bit. If you experience pain at any point, please let me know. Some things may sting a little but it shouldn’t be intolerable.”

Taehyung agreed obediently and opened his mouth when Jimin gestured him to do so. As Jimin said, he explained the procedure very carefully and slowly to ensure Taehyung that he knew exactly what he was doing. Taehyung would be so embarrassed with how calmly the dentist was speaking to him as if he were coaxing a child to relax if he weren’t so terrified. However, as promised, Jimin did everything quick and painlessly. Sure, there was a bit of a zing here and there, but it was nothing he could not handle.

The nurses left soon after as Jimin finished up with one last check up. “Looks perfect,” he grinned, eyes disappearing again. The entire time Jimin was chipping away at his teeth, which is so unsexy by the way, Taehyung’s gaze focused solely on the man’s face. Up close, he was even more breathtaking. His blonde hair falling upon his eyes and his gaze zoned in on Taehyung so intensely that he felt his breath hiccup in his throat. His cheeks were soft and rosy, round enough like a dumpling that Taehyung wanted to bite him.

It was a peculiar and novel reaction to a doctor. Taehyung had never experienced it before.

“You’re all set,” Jimin beamed, patting his shoulder thoughtfully once he’s removed his gloves. “Please rinse your mouth there and I’ll give you a flyer of tips on how to care for your teeth.”

Taehyung did as he was instructed but his eyes still followed Jimin around the room as he fiddled around with folders and tools. The doctor seemed aware of his attention and turned around, quirking an eyebrow. ��Is there something on my face?”

“N-no, no,” he coughed, eyes widening, “sorry. You just look very young, nothing like what I expected.”

Jimin laughed, taking no offense in his words. “Why thank you. I am quite young for a practicing dentist. I graduated early from university and jumped on training after training to get to where I am faster. A bit of an overachiever as you can see.”

“Yeah, that’s cool. Ambition is great,” Taehyung praised honestly because he really was impressed by his dedication.

“How about you?” he tilted his head, “Seokjin-hyung said you worked with him at the office.”

“Yeah, HR. Pretty cool when you’re not dealing with assholes in the department,” Taehyung shrugged. His job was pretty boring, especially when all he could do was sit in a cubicle waiting for tasks to be handed over to him. Seokjin was the head so he worked under him and he was a fantastic supervisor, but Taehyung couldn’t help but want something more for himself.

The dentist smiled understandingly. “I get you. It’s always kind of scary when you settle, but also when you have shitty coworkers. The nurses here are wonderful but, don’t tell anyone, the head nurse scares the living shit out of me.”

Taehyung laughed genuinely at that, heart easing of his worries. “It’s always the heads, huh?”

“Though, I do love head,” Jimin said nonchalantly as he tucked documents under his arm.

He said it so casually that Taehyung almost missed it, but he gasped, lips parting in surprise. “Did you just drop a dirty line?”

Jimin smirked, “Did I?”

“You really are a pretty weird doctor,” Taehyung muttered under his breath.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” he giggled and the sound had birds singing outside. He might even pass as a Disney princess if the company ever took ethereal human beings to represent royalty. “Anyway, here are some brochures for you to read up on. Make sure to keep your gums and teeth healthy, Taehyung-ssi, if you want to avoid another trip to the doctor.” Taehyung flushed at that, but knew Jimin only meant well. “Also,” he lifted up a small box, “complimentary floss from me so you can keep your teeth clean.”

Flossing, ugh. He nodded, accepting it gratefully. “Thanks, Dr. Park.”

“Please, we’re the same age, call me Jimin.

Taehyung blanched, “You’re the same age as me?”

“Hyung didn’t tell you?” Jimin looked amused then, “how odd. But yeah, we’re both born in ’95.”

Holy shit. Taehyung felt so in over his head. “Wow, what are the odds?”

“Pretty big actually,” Jimin grinned, “so yep, that’s all from me. Any other questions?”

Are you single? Can I have your number? Do you like dogs? Can I marry you? How are you not as scary as every other doctor I’ve had as a kid?

“Nope,” he answered simply, “thanks, Jimin. It’s been nice meeting you.”

“You too, Taehyung, I’ll see you around.”

Taehyung thought that it was kind of cute that he was already dropping honorifics, but chose not to peep a word about it. With one last bow, he made his way over to the door.

However, before he could make it very far, Jimin intercepted him to hand him a lollipop. “For your gallant efforts,” he grinned, no malice or mocking whatsoever in his voice.

Taehyung might just be in love.

—

Namjoon’s penthouse was perhaps the most luxurious place Taehyung had ever set foot upon. While his apartment was a little on the smaller side, Namjoon had a generous amount of space to host his guests. The guy wasn’t a snob at all either, always so kind with his wealth and so philanthropic. Husband material, some might say.

When he arrived, dressed in a crisp salmon shirt, top button popped open, and his favorite jeans that made his ass looked fucking fantastic, Namjoon was the one to greet him. “Taehyung! You made it! How’s your teeth?”

Namjoon also was dating Seokjin so that meant that he was privy to every single bit of information that Seokjin knew—including the suffering of his colleagues and employees. “Perfect,” he grinned for added measure, flashing his perfect set of teeth.

“Great, ‘cause I’ve got that champagne you like.”

Taehyung breathed in, cupping the man’s face. “I think I love you.”

Namjoon only laughed and ushered him in, “You have to compete with Seokjin then for my affections. Food is out on the table, you know where everything is, don’t break anything, have fun.” With those last tidbits of advice, the elder was whisked away to tend to his other guests, namely Hoseok who was on the verge of toppling over Namjoon’s bookcase.

Taehyung mingled with a few coworkers he recognized. They ran in similar social circles so their friends overlapped, allowing the younger to interact with a lot of the people there. He was a bit of a social butterfly, if he had to admit. He didn’t really have a hard time communicating with others and initiating talks that could have them droning on and on for hours—he wasn’t sure whether it was a gift or a curse.

He stuffed his face stupid with food and too many flutes of that delicious champagne. His eyes scanned the crowd, most of the faces identified as familiar in his brain directory. However, only one individual stood out amongst the rest and he was standing in a far corner, quietly nursing his drink.

“Hey, Jimin right?” Taehyung grinned.

“Yeah, oh, Taehyung!” he snapped his fingers, seeming accomplished that he could recall his former patient’s name. “How are you doing? How’s your teeth?”

That’s the second time he’s been asked tonight, third if you included Jeongguk making fun of him for being scared of the dentist. He had gotten an ass whooping for that alone. “Teeth is great, pearly white and clean,” he widened his smile to show to his doctor that he had indeed taken his advice. Except for the flossing, he was going to make a ban on that.

“That’s great to hear,” Jimin looked relieved, “I hope there was no more pain afterwards.”

“I’ve been gorging down cake like there’s no tomorrow and a shit ton of this,” he lifted up his glass, “it’s great. I love having nice teeth again so I can stuff my face stupid. Have you eaten yet?”

Jimin brightened at that, nodding enthusiastically. “Yeah, hyung is a great cook, I still can’t believe he prepared everything for tonight. If I could husband that man, I would.”

“You take him, I’ll take Namjoon-hyung. It’ll be the perfect cockblocking plan.”

The other boy tinkled with laughter adorably, the sound ringing sweetly in his ears. Taehyung found himself seeking for jokes and material in his mind to elicit the same sounds from him. They ended up chatting amicably, picking up more champagne and snacks to fill their bellies. Somewhere halfway through the night, the two settled down on the couch. Taehyung leaning close to tell his stories, albeit a little drunkenly. Jimin leaning even closer to listen in and share his adorable reactions. They bumped foreheads every once in a while when they got too close, then proceeded to laugh at how ridiculous that was.

“You guys look comfy,” Seokjin showed up sometime afterwards, grinning from ear to ear. “Who knew that Taehyung would get over his fear of doctors by attempting to hook up with one?”

Jimin flushed prettily at that, his cheeks reddening to tomatoes and his ears heating up a fiery pink. Taehyung only scoffed, “Way to ruin my chances, hyung. I could’ve had a win-win there—get rid of my stupid phobia and nail a cute man. You’ve foiled it all.”

“My apologies,” Seokjin hummed, “but not really. You guys are grossly cute. I think I saw Jeongguk pop a boner just by watching the two of you.”

Taehyung rolled his eyes, “Jeongguk is an infant who gets his dick hard from seeing a good pastry. Don’t even deny it, I’ve seen it happen when you brought your homemade hazelnut croissants to work.” Then he directed his attention to Jimin, “Jeongguk is this brat in our division. Big muscles, scary eyebrows, but he is a baby. Our baby.”

Jimin chuckled again at that, patting Taehyung’s thigh comfortingly. “I think I’ve seen him around. Though, what’s cuter is probably your fear of doctors. I had no idea you had that.”

Seokjin snorted, shaking his head. “You should’ve seen him, he tried to lie about going to the dentist that I had to call you up,” he sighed, offering Taehyung his own condolences.

Heaven help him. Taehyung was about to offer his own condolences to his chances with Park Jimin. The man, he learned, was brilliant and beautiful at the same time. Also he had the brawns what with his toned body and gym addiction. He was the ultimate triple threat, the ultimate boyfriend material.

“Why are you still here?” Taehyung jutted out his bottom lip.

“Okay, okay, I know when I’m not wanted, you ass,” Seokjin hissed, getting to his feet. “Have fun, kids, don’t forget to use protection.”

When he finally walked away, Taehyung let out a frustrated huff. He really did need better friends who wouldn’t fuck up his chances with every cute guy he tried to chat up. It’s happened too many times before, especially when Jeongguk got a little too drunk during their one department outing to a club and he had draped himself all over Taehyung that he missed out on the chance of getting that sugar daddy.

Though, he supposed fate worked in funny ways. If he had a sugar daddy, he might not have been so keen to seek out Park Jimin this way, and that would’ve been the biggest regret of his life. The two of them had good chemistry that neither of them could deny. Even after only one interaction and that lengthy conversation, Taehyung felt as if he had found a new best friend in this man.

“So was it true?” Jimin asked then, turning his head cutely. God, Taehyung wanted to kiss his plump lips and maybe suck in that bottom lip and bite it.

“What? My fear of doctors?” Taehyung cocked an eyebrow and Jimin’s lips tightened and nodded. “Yeah, I don’t know. They freak me out. I’ve always been kind of terrified of them, not sure why. They’re kind of scary, you have to admit. Lab coats and that intimidating glare.”

Jimin giggled again, running his hand up Taehyung’s arm. “Do you think I’m intimidating?”

“No, you’re just… really cute. Like really, really cute,” Taehyung frowned, wondering if he was satisfied with that answer. Jimin was far from frightening, the guy practically existed like an angel.

“Hm, really? That’s good to hear,” Jimin murmured thoughtfully. Before Taehyung realized, the man had already placed a warm palm on his thigh. His touch burned and Taehyung suddenly was hyperaware of how close they were. He could feel Jimin’s breath against his neck, against his cheek. His hand on his leg squeezing the flesh underneath as if to remind Taehyung that it was fucking there. The air in the room seemed to diffuse out completely, leaving him a little breathless. How had he not been aware of the tension that arose between the two of them until then?

Taehyung could only babble his agreement, taking another big gulp of his drink to get more liquid courage.

“So,” Jimin started, scooting even closer if that were possible. Their bodies were pressed together, leaving no room for Taehyung to breathe. Jimin tightened his hold around his thigh again, looking up from his pretty lashes at Taehyung. “Since you’re so scared, why don’t I give you private checkups? I can make sure that you’re fit and healthy.”

“P-private checkups?” His brain suddenly stopped working. How did one even comprehend sentences when Park Jimin was this close?

“Mhmm,” Jimin hummed, creeping his hand up higher. He was so close, so close to his crotch. Taehyung’s zipper might burst from the sheer tenacity of its desire to seek Jimin’s hand. “I can get my hands all over you, make sure you’re nice and comfy before I start checking your body. Make sure everything is functioning fine and that you’re still a healthy, growing boy.”

Taehyung wanted to say that he was no longer growing, but the thought of Jimin calling him a good boy, that he was a healthy boy, had his dick stirring in his pants. God, he could practically imagine Jimin in his coat, laying him back on the bed and exploring every inch of him. He would run his heated hands and act as if he was checking on Taehyung, fondling his nipples and pinching them. Then he would wander his hand down south, ghosting over the softness of his stomach before wrapping around his dick.

Taehyung wanted to cry just letting his imagination take over. He was perfectly aware that he was basically hyperventilating at that point with the thought of a sexy doctor roleplay with Park Jimin. All thoughts and fears of doctors seemed to fly out the window when it was Jimin handling him. He could most definitely roll with that.

This was going to be the death of him. RIP Kim Taehyung.

“Yeah,” Taehyung swallowed thickly, “I think I can work with that.”

Jimin grinned smugly, “That’s good. I can even do the private checkup in my house, lay you out on my comfortable bed to make sure you’re relaxed and ready for me. Do you want that?”

Yes, yes, fuck yes. Sign him the fuck up. He was going to book himself for this one-on-one session everyday for the next five years of his life. He was ready.

Instead he said, “Yep, yep, sounds great.” He was barely keeping it together. His chest was so tight with his lungs pushing out what was left of his breaths.

“Do you want me to check on you, baby?” Jimin tittered close to him, teeth catching the shell of his ear teasingly. Fuck. Taehyung jerked a little in his seat. The member between his legs was throbbing painfully, practically begging for a release. God, he could feel sweat collecting in the back of his neck and making his palms all clammy. He was reacting like a prepubescent boy, Christ, he needed to get laid soon. Preferably by this sexy dentist who probably knew just how to toy with his mouth, maybe fuck into it with his dick too.

Shit.

“Taehyung?” Jimin whispered.

“Hm?” His voice sounded strained, forced. He was on the cusp of a breakdown and an orgasm at the same time. This was torture.

“You wanna get out of here?” Jimin squeezed his thigh again. Bad move, very bad move. He wanted to come on the spot. “My place isn’t too far away and I drove so—”

He leapt to his feet, bouncing lightly as he offered a hand out to the other boy. “Yes, shit, fuck yes. Let’s go. I’m ready to bolt and have you fuck my ass or the other way around.”

Jimin’s lips parted in surprise, his eyes briefly glancing around the room to see if anyone had noticed them. Fortunately, everyone was busy with their own devices and conversations, far too distracted to notice the bubbling sexual tension between the two of them. That was, except for Seokjin. But Jimin shouldn’t mention it to Taehyung then because it might ruin the moment. So he took his hand and grinned up at him. “Let’s go, baby, I’ll make sure you feel all nice and cozy with me.”

It was safe to say that Taehyung went back to Jimin’s place and had the release of a lifetime. It was like magic had rained down fairy dust upon the world and righted all of its wrongs. His orgasms (yes, fucking plural) were mind-blowing and muscle-exploding. He couldn’t move an inch afterwards. His ass was thoroughly fucked out because, turns out, Jimin was pretty rough when it came to bed and Taehyung really, really wasn’t complaining. He had gotten a nice, satisfying fuck from a very, very pretty man who was lying down next to him in that moment.

Jimin looked beautiful awake, looked beautiful as he fucked into Taehyung from above and leaned down to capture his lips. But he also looked beautiful asleep, his expression smoothed out into one of absolute peacefulness and serenity. His shoulders were bare and so was the rest of him underneath the sheets.

Taehyung took his time drinking in the man’s glorious beauty and wondering how God could have gifted someone with all the powers in the world to rule it. Life really wasn’t fair. But for now, Taehyung could feel that at least his irrational fear of doctors had been somewhat cured but also compensated by this lovely man across from him.

He scooted closer, draping his hand over Jimin’s waist and feeling the boy tuck himself into Taehyung’s chest. His heart felt like it was about to burst and it was strange to feel so much for someone he’s only known for a short period of time. It might just be the post-orgasm high, but he would take it for that moment. He had all the time in the world to figure it out after all.

With that, he allowed his eyes to close, eyelids fluttering shut, and fall into deep slumber, dreaming of a beautiful man who could fuck the living daylights out of him but shit sunshine out of his ass. It was a good night.

“Kim Taehyung,” Jimin chided and the guilty man turned around to look at his boyfriend sheepishly. It was in their fourth month anniversary and Taehyung had taken him out to a good dessert place somewhere in between both their workplaces to sit back and relax. They had enjoyed their time there and managed to fill their bellies full of ice cream and cakes to their heart’s content and their stomach’s suffering.

“Yes, honey?”

Jimin narrowed his eyes sharply at him, flinging the tiny package in his direction. “Don’t honey me.”

“Jiminie—”

“Not that either.”

Taehyung pouted petulantly, “You’re being mean. And it’s our anniversary too.”

“It’s been four months, darling. When we’ve gotten past a year, then you can start breaking the rules. But for now, you live under my boyfriend umbrella so you have to follow what I tell you to do.”

In any other situation, Taehyung would find his being bossy a sexy trait. Jimin knew how to control himself in bed and knew even better how to control Taehyung just the way the both of them liked it. However, in that moment, all he wanted to do was throw a tantrum and toss that blasted thing into a flaming pit of fire.

“You’re mean,” Taehyung repeated like a child but popped open the lid again.

“Do you really want another hole in your teeth? I patched one up a month ago and you’re already pulling this shit again.”

“It sucks,” he whined, nuzzling his face into Jimin’s neck.

Jimin kept him at arm’s length and raised an eyebrow, “Don’t play with me, Tae. Do it.”

Releasing a sigh of surrender, Taehyung nodded solemnly and pulled it out. He cut off the floss with the cap and began to work at the gaps between his teeth, picking out everything he needed to keep it clean.

His boyfriend beamed proudly and cooed while pinching his cheek. “That’s my good boy. I’ll reward you good tonight, okay? You’ve kept your teeth clean after all.”

“Does that mean I get to suck your dick again?” Taehyung’s eyes sparkled.

“Yes, baby, yes it does.”

#bts #taehyung #jimin #vmin #vminweek2017 #bts scenarios #bts fluff #bts fanfic #vmin scenarios #vmin fanfic #vmin fluff

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spvced0ut · 8 years ago

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doing this bc I’m bored at work and it’ll keep me busy :-)

1. Evan Marc Lancaster. I have 2 more middle names but can’t give out my entire government name :-)

2. I’m an Aquarius

3. 3 fears.. well, bugs that fly and/or sting for one, death, and me dying before my parents do (I’m terrified of death)

4. I love my parents, animals (especially dogs), and pizza

5. well I feel like I have a lot of best friends but my bestest friend ever is @jetadore-xo :-)

6. slippery x migos

7. turn on’s: good teeth, a nice chest, being tall, and if he smokes weed

8. turn off’s: bad breath, against equality/women/gays/trans/etc of any sort, jealousy, a broke boy

9. blue

10. I have 3 piercings (both of my ear lobes and my septum) and 2 tattoos (one on my back and one on my inner bicep). I really wanna get my nose pierced and maybe a cartilage piercing. and I want to touch up my 2 existing tattoos as well as add some more

11. well this is tumblr, but I joined twitter back in ‘09 because it became popular and all my friends had one lol

12. I feel pretty okay. my bf annoyed me a little bit last night & into this morning but I am getting over it. it’s also 4pm and I’ve been at work since 10am but I get off in 2 hours so it’ll be A-OKAY MY DUDES :-)

13. peace. serenity. to be in tune with myself 100% of the time. power. control.

14. currently I have a boyfriend and his name is Raymond Galicia :-)

15. well my @ is spvced0ut. it translates to spaced out, as in the state of being spaced out or not fully there, mainly from being high or drunk hahaha

16. movie: I don’t really watch movies all that much, but I liked that new movie baby driver that came out

17. song: reminder x the weeknd

18. band: the weeknd, migos, drake, 2 chainz

19. upset: being ignored, working my entire day, and being sick

20. happy: getting high, sleeping in, and eating out (such a stoner omg lol other things make me happy too guys!!!!)

21. in friends, I find not being clingy and overbearing attractive. I don’t enjoy feeling like I have to report to my friends or let them know what’s up 24/7. I enjoy my low maintenance friendships where we just pick up where we left off every time we see each other. in guys, I find not being jealous attractive. as well as being able to brush things off because I’m horrible at that so if my partner can do it, I can usually adjust.

22. miss: my mom, my brother

23. love: me :-)

24. my relationships with both my mother and my father are very healthy. I speak to both of my parents on a regular basis, see both of them regularly, as well as make extra efforts and vacation time with both parents. my parents are divorced but have always gotten along and not fucked each other over. I’ve honestly had good experiences with my parents being divorced and I’ve always had a fully functioning family. I’m very grateful for that.

25. christmas!!!! love the time of year, presents, the essence of christmas, luv it all

26. my closest twitter/tumblr/internet friend has ALWAYS got to be @fioredinotte :-) luv u pookie

27. again, @fioredinotte duh

28. I’m kind of a hypocrite sometimes. I think it’s totally cool for me to do whatever I want and have no standards but I hold people I love to the highest standards and I have to really break down those walls from time to time :-/

29. being talked down to, not telling me what I wanna hear, and class

30. dogs!

31. I don’t have any pets of my own :-/ my current roommate has a lil dog named Bree and my roommate for next year has a dog named Maggie, so I kinda have companionship, but I do not have any pets of my own

32. my grades

33. my bf and I’s argument. we keep fighting today about dumb ass shit and I’m ready for it to be over with. but like I keep getting annoyed by the dumb shit that he keeps saying

34. when I burned down the microwave at work because I was making a bagel but not watching it :-)

35. I work at the Student Activity Center at my school under venue management/event services as well as I also work for Providence Country Club as a waiter.

36. sex lol. in good & bad ways

37. habits: I’m late to EVERYTHING (literally every single thing I do guys), drinking coffee on any given day, and being a smartass

38. to graduate college, to be able to fully support myself emotionally and financially, to become a psychologist of some sort

39. it’s weird but sometimes I fantasize about my sex stories in the past and I get happy that I did whatever I did lmfaoooo

40. H&M, PacSun, and Forever 21

41. pizza, chicken (wings, nuggets, anything), pasta, mexican, p much anything there is to offer :-)

42. yesterday I woke up, had sex, went home, showered, went out to eat at chickfila, went to the local mall and bought some new clothes from H&M, worked at the SAC from 7-10p, and hung out with my friend Taylor

43. being a douchebag lol

44. driving out to a field or meadow and having a candle lit dinner with my partner. then going to another spot of the meadow and using a big blanket and pillows to get high and have sex. that’d be perfect and funny lol

45. Ilana Wexler and Channing Tatum. prob more but I can’t think of anyone else rn

46. pass

47. mine own :-)

48. 0-2, preferrably boys

49. I smoke weed very often, drink alcohol often, and smoke tobacco rarely

50. thx for reading guys :-))))))

#personal #quiz #yay #bored #work #lol

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lilietsblog · 8 years ago

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one punch man 10-12: the aliens

huh its episode 10 already man this anime is so short is it flashback time yet?

hi terrible Godzilla oh yeah its the S class introduction time

gotta love that theres actually competent military in this anime why is it such a rare thing jfc

seriously tho Saitama's superpower is NOT superstrength, that's just now how physics works I think he has sped up perception, and I suspect he had that to a degree even before he started his training, judging from how easily he managed to take on the crab guy, if not all of it but what his strength training gave him (awakened in him?) was basically reality warping no wonder he's bored: he ACTUALLY REALLY doesn't have to put any kind of effort into his punches, as it's not his physical strength that's doing any work there, it's literally reality bending to accomodate him that has got to suck reality warping ennui I love my egg son

I love how all of these monsters demand acknowledgement and don't just try and step on pesky human distractions that ignore them

okay yeah this dude did end up just trying to step on her

man Tornado is freakishly powerful and that's amazing

HI OLD MAN DUDE OMG SAITAMA AND GENOS ARE HERE

Genos oh come on you really should learn some self-defense actually

this sounds like an anime reference I'm not getting

I love that Silverfang at least appreciates Saitama's actual power

and Genos is just inviting Saitama to tag along this is adorable

I love how completely fucking extra all the heroes are and how ridiculous Saitama's low key normalcy looks by contrast

poor Tornado she's amazing but since she's only summoned for appropriate level threats it's not even interesting to be amazing

Watchdog Man is amazing

man you are so dramatic maybe start with explanations jfc there is no logic to this order of operations SAITAMA GOT HIS TEA IT'S FROM STARBUCKS IT'S HILARIOUS awww I love this cute lil bad boy who skipped his lil sis's piano recital )=

madame Shibabawa CHOKED ON A COUGHING PILL

poor Saitama not knowing anything I love how casual he is about asking what he doesn't know I wouldn't have managed >_>

you call it right Child Emperor this is very ridiculous granted the meeting holder dude is probably right but he's being very ineffectual about it

Saitama jfc why

IM REALLY GLAD HE GOT INTERRUPTED

oh yeah this is a completely irrelevant bunch of baddies isnt it

OH YEAH THESE ARE THE ACTUAL BAD GUYS GEE 'IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS' SURE DID TURN OUT TO BE SOON so yeah thats why the meeting holder dude was right

I love how much attention this anime cares to pay to civilians in trouble

man guys you should have hidden in that rut together instead of getting out

the knight guy is awesome

man thats... not all of city A that was destroyed

ahaha Saitama didn't wait for everyone my socially awkward egg acts on his own out of sync with anything <3 i can relate so much

man my favorite thing about this final fight is that it's going to involve collaboration it's not just 'Saitama saves the day' because he's just one person like with the fish king, Saitama was only able to save anyone because other heroes were there first and here there are multiple battles to be fought these dudes are important too

wow his stump sure isn't bleeding out

hey the swords at least slow the monster down that's not nothing

man this samurai dude is hella cool this entire squad is hella cool footsoldiers are important and I love this anime

I love that the kids are in front here it's a terrible idea and yet in context who's going to say no

jfc King you are way too fast to give up

sorry Genos this is a child

I love the peacemaker dude tho

ahaha Saitama is already inside I love him

oh dude you sure are confident in yourself

SAITAMA IS SPREADING DESTRUCTION a thing he's good at

man this guy's design is SO TOTALLY A REFERENCE

...so the flashback stuff is probably side material that I haven't downloaded isn't it

whatever, I'll just continue the liveblog

man this ending is nice it's just pure aesthetic, and it's such a nice grounding one the Earth that Saitama lives on, which is the same one we all do

hi humanization of the enemy to them, Saitama is the kaiju and yeah he kinda is reality warping powers do that

aww Saitama is not very good at finding vital parts of the ship to destroy eh

Saitama makes for an awesome creepypasta really an unstoppable juggernaut

...I really want OPM to become an endless shounen series it's worth it and it has political setup enough for SO MUCH to happen it features a cast FULL of people very ready for exploration and convoluted plots the first season feels like BARELY A PROLOGUE in what could be the grand scheme of thing

GUYS THE FUCK YOU DOING THERE PLEASE EVACUATE

hi Hammerhead!!! I love you!!! omfg is that your actual first name oooomg

omfg THIS GUY I LOVE YOU TOO I REMEMBER AND LOVE YOU

this show's unwillingness to kill anyone off IS AWESOME

hi Sonic <3 I still love your oni face

I love that the knight guy looks middle aged with wrinkles and all

YOO NICE OJI-SAN

GOOD JOB DISRUPTING COMMUNICATIONS BOI

GO SAITAMA WRECK SHIT

I LOVE THE BAD BOY HERO SO MUCH REALLY I LOVE THIS ENTIRE SQUAD AND THE MUSIC IS EPIC AND THE KNIGHT KEEPS WORRYING I LOVE HIM

sorry coordinator dude that's S class heroes for you

welp bye bye dude that's the batter figuring shit out <3

man poor coordinator dude he's trying his best

I love Saitama and his low key shit I love how the navigator TRIES HIS BEST Saitama is ONE SMART COOKIE oh man this dude can actually look hella intimidating

yeah the downside of telekinesis as a combat power is that you still need to have something to telekinesis unless you can just straight up telekinesis your foes i guess

oh hey gravity manipulation nice

sorry due Saitama's power is basically no sell of any other powers its kinda sad

ahaha hes breaking his own ship now

man this supreme telekinetic power sure isn't used to actual direct combat ....yeah he's ridiculously weak kidna

awww cute lil aliens

awww Child Emperor! <3

ah yes! this is what Tornado is for!

and Mumen Rider on the ground you is good job!!! i love that they give him spotlight so fucking much you have no idea this really is an anime exploring the idea of heroes

AW YIS MY GIRL FUCKING WRECK EM THIS IS EFFICIENT COOPERATION

AND TORNADO TRASH TALKS THEM YOU TELL EM GIRL YOU DESERVE THIS GLOAT

guys with indirect powers wait for guys with direct powers to give them a chance

AW YIS SMALL FRY HEROES COMING TO SEARCH&RESCUE THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE

I'm still amazed the Knight is still alive guess his power is some sort of invulnerability/healing

dude if you forget the defense and focus on attack they still outnumber you this would have worked better when you still had many heads

AW YEAH BOSS ENCOUNTER (SUCH A REFERENCE)

SAITAMA LOOKING DANGEROUS AS FUCK GOD JOB YOU IS

Saitama is like a white hole infinite energy he just makes his own

I love how Saitama is still not used to the change of his status from hobbyist to professional it's the small details that make it <3

ahh and this is the kind of fight Saitama wanted isn't it?

haha twenty years yeah strength training had fuckall to do with it Saitama had this potential since babyhood

I LOVE SAITAMA'S COMMON SENSE YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND ATTACKING SHIT TO ALLEVIATE BOREDOM HE'S FAMILIAR WITH THIS PROBLEM VERY MUCH

I LOVE THE EGG SHOT JFC <33333333

man Saitama's low key-ness looks really badass here best egg

I love that Saitama's movement isn't even running particularly well, it's just walking really really fast

awww Saitama's come to not expect much by now <3

haha sorry dude you're now match for Tornado's firepower hope she's got some way to watch out for civilians would be invaluable for search&rescue if she were free for it rn

oh hey Drive Knight there sure are lots of knights here huh

oh and it was Metal Knight who destroyed the town huh was he the dude who came in to test his weaponry against the meteor?

yup dude sorry outnumbered

so guys you might want to get the fuck out from under the ship now

I love the badass opening music this is Saitama's true potential too bad the plot isn't about it

lol I love how they both have pretty low expectations for each other

this dude is about to bring down his own ship heh

OMG SAITAMA DIDN'T NO SELL THAT THAT'S PRETTY AMAZING sorry dude Saitama has power beyond his own conception too

yeah you can heal yourself but Saitama wasn't hurt

man his pants are baggy and look hilarious

wow holy fuck and Saitama's method of surviving is ragdoll roll with it as much as possible I do that in the car to avoid motion sickness on bumpy roads

AND YEP HERE IT IS SAITAMA IS ON THE MOON HAHAHAHA HE IS NOT BREATHING AND THERE IS NO SOUND SAITAMA ARE YOU GOING TO PUSH MOON OUT OF ITS ORBIT NOPE JUST DESTROY A CHUNK OF SURFACE

aww hey dude vulnerable after all where Saitama just isn't

sorry Tornado you're awesome but that wasn't you

this dude is strong but he isn't Saitama fast he's not even Sonic fast just very strong

CONSECUTIVE NORMAL PUNCHES NICE NOT ENOUGH STILL SAITAMA MUST BE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW (and yet vaguely dissatisfied still because something in his brain chemistry still isn't making this as awesome as it should have been)

I love Saitama's creative names Serious Punch

I love that Saitama never taunts, never doesn't talk to his foes he doesn't dehumanize them, ever

well yeah okay that was pretty curb stomp sorry dude but you still entertained Saitama more than anyone else ever managed to

I hope poor little alien crew members survive alright ^^;

aww and the master picks up his knight

TORNADO CAN'T YOU HOLD THE SHIP A LITTLE well whatever

oh hey Amai Mask who the fuck even are you dude what the fuck shut up? I love the bad boy he's saying it like it is dude they literally saved the Earth and everything that wasn't wiped out in a single strike???

Amai is an actual supervillain here isn't he

mm he could be S rank I see

oh hey Metal Knight there sure are a lot of supervillains holed up at the top of the Hero Organization huh well I mean it makes as much sense as anything to recruit anyone sane enough to come in

ALIEN SURVIVORS <3

WHAT THE FUCK AMAI WHY LOCAL LIGHT YAGAMI OR WHAT

awww Genos really has found balance with Saitama

so is Saitama already home or what ah nope there he is <3

Tornado you naive muffin

OMFG SAITAMA IS ABSOLUTELY HELPLESS IN SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND CALLS GENOS IN FOR HELP THEY ARE SUCH GREAT PARTNERS

'history-making events, the top stories for days' yeah i guess in this kind of world there's nothing to do but keep reconstructing and ignore the losses )=

OPTION TO LIVE AT HEADQUARTERS YEAH THAT REALLY NEEDED TO BE A THING ALREADY

anyway I love this anime

#liliet rewatches one punch man #still love it #still best

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olexiak · 7 years ago

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Okay let's talk about the Halloween Party

I did something I felt a bit of ~shame~ for. I came up with this plan in advance because I was working 3-11 and I'm not trying to show up to the party alone and dishevelled at 11:45pm. So I faked being sick and throwing up in order to go home around 7. It didn't work as well as I planned when I told my supervisor I was feeling sick. He asked if I could hang in until 8 and I really wanted to go home at 7. This threw me off so much that when I want to "throw up" in the bathroom I was actually in tears. I think it was the combination of lying, dealing with authority and also stress about the party in general. Idk though like I could barely hold back the tears. It was weird. I ended up going home at around 7:15 and i just felt stupid but I decided to look forward to the night to come. We went as frat boys which I was not crazy about but I actually ended up loving. I had a bottle of white wine. When we first got to the party it was pretty weird but we assimilated. I was in a group of 8 so it was hard to feel excluded. We met the Joker guy and I had my first go at a beer bong. That shit is dangerous. I drank so much wine so fast. And then I had some of the Joker's hard Iced Tea .. American Standard i think it's called.. in the beer bong and exploded it everywhere. My shirt was wet and so were the people around me but it was fun! Then I realized I was pretty drunk because a girl also gave me some of her gin (yuck btw). Then Claire gave me nic spray and I was Fucked Up™. But not the most fucked up yet. Fall and I just happened to wander outside when some boys were smoking a joint and asked us to join! Obvi the 2 of us said yes. I got so high from like 2 puffs. My tolerance is just so fucking low. After that point, I was too Fucked Up™ for a little while. I don't remember if it was before or after weed, but a guy really tried to kiss me. At first I found him annoying but then I was really flattered (and drunk) by the way he was flirting with me. He kept saying he didn't care about Fall, he just wanted to know more about me and it was really smooth and really working. He got within like an inch of my lips and almost had me kiss him! But I said no! After this is when someone stole my fucking shoes and the beautiful Tarzan man gAve me his. Shocking still. Apparently this guy has fucked like a lot of girls and is quite the player 😎 so I felt pretty cool when he gave me his shoes. They are in my house now. Imagine how many girls wish they were me rn hahaha I rock. I can't believe all those guys were there from junior high like Shawn, Noel and Brett. Brett is literally disgusting btw. He's such a bad person. I can't really remember anything he said or did because of the combination of substances I ingested, but I know that he is just a shitty person. He was being mean and trying to get girls. Just ew. I can't believe no one hit him in the fucking face, I wanted to. Such gross behaviour just bleh all around. Other than this, I saw the joker having sex in the backyard. He seemed a bit rapey and I totally got that vibe when he peer pressured me to do the beer bong. Whatever wave I was on last night, i was so hypersexualized. Realistically, i know i would never just have sex with a rando at a party, but last night i really wanted to. I was super into that Joker and also Javen. Boys! What! Does that mean! I tried to think about girls too but none of the girls made any effort to be anything besides friendly to me. Whereas the boys were kind of flirty and enticing idk. It was another wild night kind of like at Donald's and the first Gr 11 party. The common denominator? Alcohol + marijuana. ALSO, Fall and i sat on the floor of the hallway for a solid 5-10 minutes as the party carried on around us/ people made out and practically had sex / got into physical altercations / stepped on us etc. But we did not have a care in the world. Im glad Fall was in it with me. I thought I was gonna die for a bit when I realized I was so high I forgot that I was at a party. That's like the moment I always describe from the G11 party, that I was forgetting where I was in the exact moment. Like I would blink and forget where I was. Even when I opened my eyes it was hard to comprehend who I was and what I was doing there. Wild wild thoughts

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survivorsolomonislands · 8 years ago

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Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it.

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good.

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv.

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk.

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though.

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both.

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary.

5. Karen is still my target.

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap.

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk

#thequeenstaysqueen

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