#I’m only a little sorry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

spaceyaceface · 2 years ago

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Don’t say I didn’t warn you 🥲

What Could Have Been

Sebastian Sallow x f!Reader (Unspecified Hogwarts House)

Word Count: 3.4k

Content Warnings: Heavy angst. This is not a very happy fic.

Summary:

She had been in love with Sebastian Sallow for some time. And she was afraid of having something to lose. After all, she knew all too well that good things always came to an end.

Now it was their last night together. What were they willing to lose?

Also available on AO3

"I don’t know how to mend it, When this chapter ended, When all of my plans have depended on you. But at least tonight we’ll still pretend, Hold each other close like it’s not the end.” - from "Dearly Departed" by Marianas Trench

Time had passed much too quickly. It felt like yesterday that she walked into the Great Hall for the first time, head spinning with the buzzing noise of students talking. The room still sounded the same—but it was now her last time sitting there as a student.

Tomorrow morning, the last term of her seventh year would be over. She had no more classes to attend, no more essays to write, no more detentions to be served. She knew at least part of her should have been excited, but all she felt was dread. Was she the only one feeling like this? Was it because she had had so little time to enjoy her time here, compared to the rest of her classmates? She’d found that being a student at Hogwarts was much more than learning magic. It was having a home, knowing there was some place to belong. It was building friendships that felt more like family.

She knew she was being a bit silly about all of it—after all, she wouldn’t really be leaving Hogwarts. Professor Hecate had offered her an apprenticeship; she had seen the girl’s talent in fighting the Dark Arts first hand in her fifth year, and thought she would make a wonderful Defense Against the Dark Arts professor when the time came. She wouldn’t be leaving. But nearly everyone else would.

As she looked around the Great Hall, her eyes rested on each of her friends. Garreth was beginning his own line of potions—he was already doing well. Poppy was going into the Ministry, working to preserve Magical Creatures. Imelda had been accepted to fly with the Holyhead Harpies. They all had adventures to go on, lives to live freely. This was their parting of ways—would they ever be all together again?

Her throat tightened as she saw Ominis and Sebastian sitting together across the room. Of all the friends she’d miss, they were easily at the top of her list. There had been a while she truly worried their little trio wouldn’t pull through. After Soloman’s death, Ominis found being around Sebastian almost unbearable—he felt a great deal of responsibility for the man’s demise. For that time, Sebastian was pretty much completely alone. But she had stepped in. She couldn’t let him wallow in his guilt (and there were times it had nearly consumed him) and tried to pull him back off the dark path he’d started treading. While not guilty in the same way, she a semblance of what he had been feeling—when Professor Figg died, she tore herself up for months afterward, grieving and regretting. Sebastian had helped her through it. They had learned to depend on one another when they weren’t feeling strong enough on their own. They had each other—and that was enough. Sebastian swore off the Dark Arts forever, and he was finally serious. There was no way to completely rid himself of the burden of his guilt—a guilt that had come from using an Unforgivable Curse. He never wanted to feel that way again.

After some time, Ominis saw the change in Sebastian. The two began talking again—and they had pulled through. She was glad. She didn’t know what she would do without them both.

Poor Ominis was going back home with his family, now that he was done with school—at least for a little while. He was planning on buying some little cottage and leaving them as soon as possible. And Sebastian—she had to look away from him as the memories clouded her head.

It had just been a month ago. He’d sent her an urgent letter, telling her to meet in the Undercroft. When she had entered the room, he’d been pacing back and forth. This worried her. Usually, Sebastian only paced when he was concerned or thinking hard about something. But as soon as he spotted her, his face broke out into a wide grin.

“I’ve got great news!” he said, marching up to her. “I’ve finally found a solid lead for Anne’s curse!”

Her mouth dropped open. After all that time, Sebastian had never stopped looking for a cure for Anne. They were hardly on speaking terms—or more send-the-occasional-letter terms, really—but he was still looking for the cure he was sure was out there.

“A lead?” she asked. “How? What is it?”

The whole story came spilling out of his mouth, and he spoke faster than she had ever seen him do. He detailed of the letters he sent, the books he had tracked down for mere sentences of information. But it had concluded in learning of some wizard who had extensive knowledge of healing curses.

“He’s agreed to help me. He’ll have loads to show me—to teach me. I’m sure something he knows will help Anne,” Sebastian said. “I leave for America at the end of the year.”

She swore her heart shattered.

Sebastian, gone to chase after a man in America? Why would he have done anything different? He’d always done everything he could for Anne—his care for his sister was still one of his driving forces. She loved that about him.

Yes, loved. She loved Sebastian Sallow with every bit of her heart and soul. He was a troubled young man—but one who persevered through his problems with an unyielding determination. He was passionate in everything he did. He was like a fire, spreading himself far and wide with a heat and excitement that astonished her. And there were those times he calmed down enough to be a focused flame on the wick of a candle—something warm and careful, a light when the world seemed black.

She had never told him this. Just as he had never told her how he felt. But it was there—present in every word, every moment they had together. It was there in the sleepless nights they spent in the Undercroft, fending away nightmares. It was there in the brushing of hands, the whispers of “are you ok?” It was there in aching embraces when it all became too much.

She couldn’t tell him. No, she had always told herself, it was better left unspoken. Better left in the dark, where it could fade away when it had run its course.

Better left where it wasn’t something to lose.

Because that was what she was afraid of, wasn’t it? Both her and Sebastian had already lost so much. Families, friends, innocence—it had all been whisked away from them. To place hope in something—to give life to something good—well, losing it could be the end of either of them.

That didn’t mean she didn’t want it—and God, did she want it desperately. There had been times she’d written it in a letter, only to burn it in the fireplace. Times she almost closed the distance between them, breaching the invisible wall they’d put up. There were nights she had stared up at the ceiling, deciding that tomorrow, tomorrow she’d throw all caution to the wind and let herself be happy for once, dammit.

But now, she was all out of tomorrows.

Tomorrow, he left for America. Tomorrow, he was no longer hers. Tomorrow, she would be alone.

There was no guarantee she would ever see him again. She’d run through every possibility in her head—it was all she had done since he’d told her his plans a month ago. He could go and find a cure, inviting Anne to join him across the sea. Maybe he’d find work there—be an apprentice to the healer, follow in his footsteps. Maybe—and this is what she feared the most—maybe he’d find some beautiful American girl, one who Sebastian for the dashing man he so obviously was, and he’d fall in love.

He could have asked her to come with him. It was that thought that hurt her the most. She already knew what her answer would have been—a complete and undeniable yes. She would have followed him anywhere, if he had only asked. But he didn’t.

How could he have asked that of her? To leave the home she had so recently found for some mere possibility? To leave a job that had been all but promised to her, to abandon everything she had come to know… No, no… he couldn’t ask that of her.

She still would have said yes.

She said yes that very night, after her thoughts had cleared. It wasn’t to America that he had asked her to follow—only to the Restricted Section of the library.

“For old time’s sake,” he said. He smiled down at her, his dark brown eyes enticing her.

She smiled back. It had been one of their first adventures together—might as well be their last, too. “How could I say no to an offer like that?”

And off they went. They waited together in the Great Hall until most of the other students had gone off to bed, following the rule of curfew—a rule both she and Sebastian had long since disregarded. She said goodnight to Ominis and other friends as they filed out, making them promise to send letters. She couldn’t think too hard about the goodbyes—it would break her. Instead, she focused on the Disillusionment Charm she cast on herself as she and Sebastian walked quietly through the halls. She heard Sebastian chuckle beside her. She looked over at him, only seeing a hazy blur of motion in the shadows.

“Something funny over there?” she said quietly.

“Do you remember the first time we did this? You didn’t even know the Disillusionment Charm, and yet you were ready to go barging into the library, no second thoughts about it.”

She smiled. “I was a bit brash then, wasn’t I?”

“You say that like you aren’t now.”

“Oh hush. I’m plenty brash. The difference is now I know enough to keep it from being my downfall.” She poked her head around the corner, eyes scanning for any prefects in the hall. She didn’t spot any, stepping forward. “Looks clear.”

Into the library they went, sneaking easily past the dim lights and empty tables. Scribner didn’t seem to be there. Turned in early, perhaps, to prepare for travel the next day.

At last they were marching down the familiar stairs of the Restricted Section. Even in her shortened time in Hogwarts, she was sure she came second to only Sebastian in the time any student had spent there.

Sebastian sighed in comfort, taking the charm off of him. He went to a nearby shelf, finger brushing over the spines of familiar books. “Sure am going to miss having my own private library,” he said.

“You’ll be miserable,” she told him. “I’d suggest packing enough books to keep you on your boatride over, but I doubt even an enchanted case could hold that many.”

He laughed. “I’d say you’re making fun of me for all my reading, but it’s too true to be much of a joke.”

“A proper and thorough education is nothing to make fun of, dear Sebastian.” She stood beside him, staring at the shelves. “You reckon you’ve really read every one?” “Twice over,” he said confidently.

“Then which one is your favorite?”

He thought for a moment. “It’s this way,” he said, leading her around the corner. Then he leaned down, staring hard at a lower shelf, arms crossed as he searched. Then he smiled. “Here we are!” The book he pulled out was intricately designed, with weaving patterns of gold decorating the cover. It was thick and clearly old, but well kept. “It’s a book of children’s tales. Some of them are quite gruesome, of course, and describe a bit too much of the curses and hexes in the stories, hence the being in the Restricted Section. The story I like is just fine, though.” He leafed through the pages, finally settling on a moving drawing of a maiden weeping, looking out a window.

“Seems cheery,” she commented.

“Well, it’s not for the most of it, but it ends alright. Happily ever after and all that,” he said, turning the pages. He was quiet at the moment, staring at the words the end on the last page of the story. “I think it’s the only one with a happy ending in the whole book. I don’t really remember much of the story.”

She didn’t know what to say to that. It was… too real. Too fitting. He had to be wondering the same thing she was—would either of them have a happy ending? Were they lucky enough to be the single story in a book of sorrow that ended well? If their lives leading up to this point were any indication, she was inclined to say no.

They spent a bit longer browsing books, Sebastian showing off some of the interesting spells and facts he had learned there. It was a walk down memory lane—one that she found comforting on that last night. Finally, they grew bored of already read books and parchment, and made their way back up the stairs. They had charmed themselves to fade away against the stone walls of the castle, and made their way together through them. She paused suddenly when she heard voices up ahead.

“I’ve still got to finish grading the last essays they turned in.” She recognized the voice, of course—Professor Weasley.

“That’s why I went with a practical exam for the final. Less papers to go through,” Professor Onai replied.

Sebastian grabbed her hand from behind her—they were just around the corner. It was much too bright in this corridor—the charm would do nothing to conceal them. So, she let Sebastian pull her into a classroom just beside them. Well, she thought it was a classroom until she tried to step back and found a wall directly behind her. It was a closet—barely big enough to hold them both.

Sebastian stood directly in front of her, trying to peer through the crack between the door and wall. He looked so awfully serious as he did—she couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled up through her lips. Sebastian’s eyes widened at the sound, and his scandalized expression only made her laugh harder. He dove forward, pressing his hand over her mouth.

“Are you trying to get us caught?” he whispered. The voices of the professors had passed them by, leaving them in silence once again.

She tugged away the hand over her mouth. “What are they going to do? Expel us?”

Now it was his turn to laugh. “Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past Black to do something like that.”

“It would sure allow you to be remembered here,” she said. “Sebastian Sallow, the brilliant, troublemaking boy who made it all the way to his last day before getting kicked out.”

“Don’t forget his sidekick, who got the both of them kicked out with her ridiculous laughing.”

She gasped. “Oh, I’m the sidekick, am I?”

“Well, most stories prefer to have a dashing and likable main character, and I fit that quite well, I think.”

“I think you’re forgetting which of us wields a very rare kind of ancient magic.”

He waved a hand. “Semantics.”

They were grinning at each other, light dim in the closet. She adored that mischief in his eyes. It made her feel alive. But slowly, his grin faded, face becoming more serious.

No, she thought. No, he can’t say it. I can’t let him say it.

“Do you want to go down to the boathouse?” she asked, before he had the chance to open his mouth.

He nodded. “We couldn’t dare forget to say goodbye to our dear old friend, the squid.”

She playfully shoved his shoulder before opening the door to the closet. The both of them tumbled out and soon found themselves outside, cool breeze blowing over them. The night sky was clear; the stars glimmered in the sky.

Sebastian sat at the edge of the boathouse’s dock. She quickly joined him.

“I’m going to miss this view,” Sebastian said quietly.

It really was something. The Black Lake reflected the moonlight and stars, making her feel like she was surrounded by the night sky.

She felt Sebastian’s gaze shift to her. “I’m going to miss you, you know.”

She bit her lip. “Don’t say that.”

“Why not? It’s true.”

“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” she said softly.

It took him several moments to respond. “I know,” he finally whispered. He reached for her hand, taking it her own. “I don’t know what I would have done all this time without you.”

His voice was soft—softer than she’d ever heard it. She was so used to his confidence, his bravado. This softness scared her. It was too close to what they shouldn’t say. It implied too much.

But she decided to let herself have that moment. They would toe the edge without coming over. They’d get close to that line, but never cross it. She leaned against his shoulder, resting her head on him.

“I’m glad I met you, Sebastian. Truly.”

She felt his body tense at the words—she knew exactly what was going through his head. How could that be the truth? How could she be glad to meet him, after all the pain he had put her through? She stayed quiet, letting the words sink in. The sincerity of them.

“I’m glad I met you, too. Even if you had to knock me on my arse to do it,” he said quietly.

She laughed a bit, relaxing into him. If she could just stay in this moment—this one where she could pretend he wasn’t leaving in a few short hours, this one where they held each other close, as if the words had been spoken, as if it was how it could be, she would.

But she knew too well that all good things had an end, and this night was just the same. She didn’t know how long they had sat in silence, staring out across the water. It felt like lifetimes. It felt like seconds. Then they stood and began walking back to the castle.

He didn’t let go of her hand. She was grateful for the comfort—she needed every once of it. He led her to her common room as they unspokenly decided to get it over with; to let the night end.

With every breath, she felt her chest tighten. She had to let it go. He had never been hers—she needed to remember that. Nothing was ending, because it had never begun.

They stood, face to face, in front of her common room door. She let go of his hand and threw her arms around him, pulling him into an embrace. His arms didn’t hesitate to hold her tight against him—like he was afraid to let go. She felt the pounding of his heart, his warm breath against her neck as he buried his face into it. All too soon, they broke apart.

She stared up at him. Ask me. Ask me to come with you.

I’d follow you. I’d say yes.

But he didn’t say anything. Instead, he took a small step backward, letting the distance come between them. It was better this way, she thought. Of course it was.

He was just about to turn to go when she spoke.

“Seb-Sebastian,” she said. Was her voice really that frantic? He turned around, facing her again. There was hope on his face—paired with dread. Her next words came out soft. “Write me, will you?”

He nodded, still staring at her.

And then Sebastian Sallow ruined it all.

He marched up to her, placing his hand on her cheek, and before she could even think, he crashed his lips into her own. Her hands came up to grip his robe, holding him there, keeping them together. It was searing and haunting, soft and horrible. It was everything she had ever dreamed of, and that made it all the more painful.

They parted. His eyes were closed as he pried her hands off of him. And then he left.

She walked into the common room, shaking. She didn’t even have time to think if the room was empty or not before she collapsed to the ground, sob tearing out of her throat.

He had done it. The idiot had done it. He had given her everything, and now she had lost it. The taste of what could have been haunted her—she knew in that moment that she would never be free. It would follow her each morning she woke up without him. It would keep her awake each night. She had gotten too close to the flame—she’d let herself burn.

She wept, trying to forget the heat of his kiss—his kiss goodbye.

A/N: ... sorry about that, folks. This was heavily inspired by the song "Dearly Departed" by Marianas Trench, hence the title and quote above. I highly recommend giving it a listen.

Thanks for reading!

#I’m only a little sorry #if it makes you feel better I’m considering doing a part two?#because I’m a softy and I can’t leave things sad #but we’ll see #rip to your heart tho

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