#I’m obsessed with them. and this was the clearest and closest they’ve ever been to me and where my parents live
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Me on Saturday: looking up info for timing in the closest city “I know I won’t be able to see the total eclipse from my part of the country, but I could at least see a partial one!”
Me on Sunday: it’s raining outside and it looks like the kind of rain that lasts more than 24 hours “oh no.”
Me on Monday: I look outside around noon, it’s cloudy out and when I opened my weather app it said it would start raining soon *sigh* “the clouds have once again prevented me from witnessing a cool sky event” we really need this rain though. It would have been nice if it came a few days sooner! There would be less fire and the sky could be clearer for the eclipse
So today I’m hearing people online talking about how cool the eclipse was and just being like: “I’m gonna be honest. I accidentally slept through the last partial (solar) eclipse and I couldn’t even see this partial solar eclipse if I was trying”
I know I’ve seen lunar eclipses though, my insomnia was at least useful there
#emma posts#I ask for rain because it’s been really dry and there’s been a high fire risk lately#what/whoever would listen or just happen to coincide with what I asked:#on it. but wouldn’t it be super funny if I chose that week specifically to do it?#me: sigh ‘I can’t even be totally mad. I’m not missing a full eclipse and we need the rain’#lately there have also been more solar storms and it’s supposed to continue for a few years#so the chances of witnessing the aurora are even higher these last few years even though I live a bit below where they are sometimes visible#I only ever saw them once before these recent storms and it was faint on the northern horizon#but last summer while I was visiting my parents there was a really strong storm and I got to see them across the whole sky!#they weren’t as colorful as the ones farther north. but I have apps that alert me of possible viewings for a reason#I’m obsessed with them. and this was the clearest and closest they’ve ever been to me and where my parents live#I live in town now though so when I’m not visiting my parents I don’t often see them#in winter or fall when the trees have lost their leaves and the crops have all been harvested you can see so much of the sky and it’s#just stunning with or without the lights. but oh my god was seeing some so close wonderful#I thought I was going crazy though because I could sometimes hear a weird staticky humm when they would get particularly close#but apparently some people just hear them 🤷♀️ it… I loved it#and I think I’m gonna cry because before that the last time I had seen them a little clearer on the horizon it was parked in one of my#families fields with a friend of mine who was driving me back from dnd and we just sat in the car looking at the horizon together (it wasn’t#so close that you could see it above. but the northern horizon you could) and that friend has since passed#ah. I’m rambling though. this was supposed to be a joke post about my experience 😅
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dear kabby mom, how do I make my broken heart stop hurting? I fell in love with a girl who I thought was falling back for me too....but now I don't think so anymore. this sucks.
Oh, my sweetsad baby.
It does suck.
It absolutely sucks.
There is nothing I can say that will makethat not true. There is nothing anyonecan say or do that will make it suck any less except time.
And I know that’s not the answer you want tohear, that’s not the answer anyone wants to hear, because it doesn’t fixanything right now. It doesn’t save youfrom having to go through the thing you have to go through right now. It doesn’t make any of the things that hurtright now any less painful to know that in ten years (or five years) (or sixmonths) this will all feel different. It’s the truest thing that I have to tell you, but I also know thatit is in some degree useless to you right now.
You say thatyou think she doesn’t have feelings for you. Have you talked to her? Have youdone the excruciating and mortifying and emotionally naked thingwhere you open up your heart to someone without any idea what will happennext? Maybe you don’t need to ask; maybeyou know already. Maybe she likessomeone else. Maybe her feelings aboutyou are platonic and she’s made that clear. But if there’s gray area – if there’s a piece of your heart or mind that’sstill whispering, “But maybe, but maybe …” – maybe with a little time,maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she’ll see you differently in a year, maybeit won’t work out with the girl she’s dating now – then it might be helpful tosay it out loud, to stop the “But Maybe” train in its tracks before it derails you. Sometimes you can’t let go andput it behind you until you’ve heard the real “No.” Until the bubble has been burst. I don’t know your situation, but I know morethan once in my life that’s been true for me. I knew I’d hold onto unreasonably stubborn optimism, willfullymisinterpreting whatever they said as a “sign,” until I finally got up thecourage to just say it out loud, get my heart smashed into a hundred tiny pieces, pick them up, and keep walking. It was miserable but it was also the only way forward.
And you, baby, need to figure out what youneed to move forward.
You’re feeling big things right now, and you need to use whateverhealthy outlets are available to you to start processing them. Cry to your friends. Write, draw, sing. Make sad playlists, watch sad movies. Swap stories with the peoplein your life about their heartbreaks, to remind yourself that you’re notexperiencing this alone. Eat goodchocolate. Go for walks. Breathe fresh air. Stay busy. Spend time with as many good dogs and adorable non-annoying children asyou can find. Dogs and children do notlet you get away with wallowing. They will absolutely force you to remember that you are alive.
What youabsolutely must under no circumstances do is let heartbreak feed intoobsession. Don’t check her social mediaa hundred times a day to think about all the other people she might choose whenshe didn’t choose you, or how much fun she’s having doing things you wish shewas doing with you instead, but isn’t. Don’t useher to process the emotions you need to process, even if she’s yourfriend. Do not make her responsible foryour broken heart. Do not punish her, orany future person she dates, for the fact that she didn’t choose you. If you need to vent these feelings do them quietlyand privately with your closest most trustworthy friends. Never publicly, and never to her. Do not vagueblog or subtweet in a forum whereshe might see it, and know, and feel terrible. You have every right to process every inch of the feelings that you’refeeling but you owe it to her to make sure you do it in a respectful way.
She has not done anything wrong.
No one here has done anything wrong.
The first timeI realized I had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back I wastwelve. The first time I told someone Ihad feelings for them and they didn’t say it back to me, I was twenty. The most recent time was just last year.
Once I showedup at a girl’s house for a brunch date and her drunken hookup from the night before answered the door, but I was too polite to bolt so we just satthere eating our eggs and pretending it wasn’t awkward and I was just there because the girl and I were just friends.
Once in highschool I told the tall beautiful blonde star of the basketball team who satnext to me in algebra and with whom I had been silently smitten all year thatshe had beautiful eyes, and when she gave me a weird look I got up and ran outof the room and pretended like I just needed to get something from mylocker.
Once I didn’trealize that the date I was on wasn’t a date and that the girl was straightuntil I tried to kiss her, at which point she backed away in horror and neithershe nor her friends ever spoke to me again. She lives in my city now and once six years ago we were at a partytogether and even though at that point it had been close to a decade since theincident, she still never came anywhere near me.
I’ve hadfriendships end over this. I’ve hadfriendships grow ten times as strong over this. I’m thirty-five and I’ve been in the place you’re currently in moretimes than I can count, and the only thing I can tell you from where I’msitting right now which might be in any way helpful is that the thing you areexperiencing is universal.
Everyone thatyou know has been through this at least once. Some people have been on both sides of it. All of us have been there. All of us have been there. Everyone you love and admire, everyone youthink is tough and strong, everyone you think never lets their feelings get tothem or who you’ve never seen cry, everyone who’s in a relationship of whichyou’re secretly envious because you assume the fact that they’re happy nowmeans they’ve never known what it’s like to be unhappy. All of us. All of us. We’re all right herewith you. And what that means is that weall survived it.
And you will too. I promise, baby. You will too. You’re experiencing one of those things that poets write about. You’ll listen to melancholy love songs andwatch sad movies differently from now on. You know a thing now about your heart that you didn’t know before, andit’s beautiful and terrible and there will be times that you will probably wishfor it to disappear.
But please don’t.
Let me tellyou why.
When I was akid, I was quiet and awkward and introverted and shy, and kept everythinginside. I began to come out of my shella little bit in high school, but I didn’t really blossom until college, when Ifinally found my people, and suddenly it was like I was Dorothy moving from ablack-and-white world to a Technicolor one. I was in love with everything and everyone. I was in love with the pretentious gayphilosophy major who lived downstairs and I was in love with the blondesorority girl down the hall who is now a major writer for Buzzfeed and I was inlove with anyone who would stay up with me until the sun rose, sitting in thedorm lounge and talking about books. Ihad this big colorful soft squishy heart that I’d kept hidden my whole life and I justwanted to give it to someone, but every experience was new, so I gave it toeveryone, and because it was all new to me, I had no defense mechanisms to protect myself or avoid getting hurt. I was forever falling forpeople who didn’t want me back and breaking my own heart and crying and feelingdevastated and writing terrible poetry and being afraid I’d never feel anythingever again. But hearts are elastic, they bounce back when we let them, they’re made for love and if you just give them alittle time they’ll heal and move on to somebody else.
Then when Iwas twenty-four, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness, andI shut down.
The only way Icould cope with the panic and the grief was to force myself not to feelit. I knew my mother was not fine, but Itold myself over and over that she would be. I knew that I was not fine, but I told myself over and over that Iwas. Sometimes when I was alone at nightI would feel it, this huge dark cloud thing hovering over me, and I would feelmyself, very firmly, very carefully, shoving it back down into a box andlocking it up. It was an almost physicalsensation. I can remember it vividly. It was spectacularly unhealthy, but it wasalso the only way I could survive.
Shedied when I was twenty-seven, and my clearest memory of that day, and of theperiod immediately after, was that I felt nothing. I cried when I got the phone call from mydad, because of the shock. I didn’t cryagain – about her, or about anything – for years. I went from being someone who would burst into tears at, like, a Verizon commercial about grandparents, to someone who didn’t cry at her own mother’s funeral. Some switch had flipped inside me, and it waslike the part of me that could feel things was just gone. I lost three grandparents in the years aftermy mom died, and I sang at all their funerals, and I felt nothing. I knew that I loved them, and I knew that this thing that was happening was sad, but I felt it in this very muffled, dim, distant, far-off way where ifyou had asked me if I was okay I would have told you that I was fine and Iwould have believed that to be perfectly true.
It wasterrible.
Grief made mysister more emotional – she cried a lot, she was more demonstrative, she wantedto process her feelings out loud – but it shut me down completely. And it took that big sparkly heart full oflove for everybody with it. I tried,every once in awhile, half-heartedly, to go out on an internet date, but I feltnothing. I didn’t know then what “demisexual”meant, and that I’m simply not wired to sit across the table in a bar from atotal stranger and feel the things you’re supposed to feel in that situation; Ineed that emotional connection before any of the other stuff happens. But I wasn’t able to form that emotionalconnection. From time to time I mightfeel a fleeting spark of a wistful crush on the cute divorced older lady poetin my writing group, or develop complicated feelings for one of the revolvingdoor of tortured, dramatic, toxic artistic men that seem to be foreverpopulating my life, but it wasn’t the same. I spent ten years convinced that I was broken; that my mom’s death meantthat the part of me that knew how to feel things was dead too. I would, at that moment, have givenabsolutely anything to be that heartbroken twenty-year-old sobbing over beingrejected by a pretty straight girl, because at least that Claire could feelthings.
It took me ten years for the switch to flip back on, for me to catch feelings for someone and then get my heart broken again, not that long ago, and it was so disorienting to be feeling things again after all that time, but I was really grateful too. Because it meant that I wasn’t dead inside. I was a person who could feel things again.
I’m tellingyou all of this because right now you are heartbroken, and in the depths ofyour pain you feel like this is a terrible thing to be, and you want to make itstop. And I am here to tell you, yourheart will heal, because that is what hearts do when we give them permission;but in the midst of your heartbreak, remember to be grateful for the capacityto be heartbroken. For the fact that youhave a breakable heart. For the factthat you are the kind of person who loves big, even when you aren’t sure theother person is going to love you back. That’s the best kind of person to be.
You’re goingto be okay, cupcake. I promise.
#Anonymous#From the Inbox#personal post#kabby mom's advice corner#kabby mom gets anons#relationships#advice#heartbreak#feelings#FEELINGS STUFFFFFFFF
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