#I’m not taking 30 instant in the morning she’s having me take 20 in the morning and another 10 in the afternoon

[alrightstartingscene]

The telehealth nurse I’ve been getting my adhd meds from has officially upped me to 30mgs of instant release adderall a day. I better fucking get so much shit done istg

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2012 I hate both my uncles. Always have, always will. As a child, I tried to love them and I tried to find some good in them, but I couldn’t even like them. I did what most children do and tried to win their approval, though it was to no avail. Why they never seemed to like me, especially my mother’s brother Ronnie, was never anything I could understand. As a child, I felt hurt. As a young adult, I was curious as to what they could possibly have against me, though I assumed it had to do with my pranksterish ways and the labels my mom just loved to slap on me in hopes of gaining sympathy and attention on account of it. As an older adult, I didn’t give a shit. I only knew that had my uncles waited till I was around 25 to treat me the way they did as a child, they would have ended up in the hospital while I’d have gone straight to jail.

I remember being kinda pissed for Tammy when she said that although she ignored it, Ronnie would give her dirty looks every chance he got when they met up at Larry’s house when his son died in 1997. And all for something that might’ve happened what, 25 years ago? It’s scary how long one can hold a grudge over the dumbest of things. I know my cousin Polly, who I haven’t even seen since I was 19, still resents me for the prank calls I made to her bastard father Marty (my dad’s brother) in 1989. Calls that have long since been owned up to and apologized for. I regret apologizing, though. Am I really sorry for the few measly pranks I pulled on the bastard who once terrorized and threatened me as a 15-year-old child? Even his own mother who was living with us at the time was terrified out of her mind.

Is hanging onto Tammy really the right thing? Or should I just let her go and be done with the whole damn family forever? I guess only time will tell. But I decided to do what was best for me and not worry about how others may react. If I decide to let go and she has a hard time dealing with it and accepting it and feels she has to resort to childish harassment, that’s her problem, not mine. I’m not going to worry anymore about who can or can’t respect my decision to either stick around or go my own way, but as long as I am accepted as I am without being accused of lying and without anyone trying to push, change or control me, then there’s little else that could drive me away. Maybe if you pester me with 20 messages a day and then take a shit fit if I don’t reply to each and every one the instant you send them, or if you lie (and I don’t mean a little white lie as a joke) or try to rip me off I’d be tempted to split, but otherwise, there’s no need to.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2012 It may come as a surprise, but guess who’s got her first REAL dentist appointment in years scheduled for next Wednesday?! Yeah, even I’m kind of like, wow, really? God must be pissed. You know, the one who didn’t think I even deserved to be insured for – what was it – about 8 years? Well, if He’s up there – tough! I’m going to finally do something about the pain I have endured since 2004. Tom scheduled his sexist wife with a female dentist. :) He’s such a sweetie. :)

By 8:30 this morning, they were already sawing away up at the summit. It’s to be in the mid to upper 90s from now through Tuesday, so I don’t expect to hear much for long other than the Jes pest roaring in and out on its motorcycle half a dozen times during the day.

Still not sure what language to study next. I did a poll on FB asking if it should be French, Urdu, Latvian or Hawaiian. I’d go for the Hawaiian but LM doesn’t have that course available yet. I’d have to learn bits and pieces on YouTube which isn’t the way I’d prefer to learn.

I shared the first chapter of a story I started with Nane and Alison, so we’ll see if I hear back from them. Well, I know I’ll get feedback from Alison, but Nane will probably be too busy.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2012 I was flattered to receive a message from Nane saying she’d been thinking about me and to also see that she spent 20 minutes on my blog. :)

My diagram muscles no longer feel like someone took a bat to them and I only sneezed 10 times today instead of 100, so I’m not doing too bad right now.

I entered to win a beauty basket from Yves Rocher, who I haven’t ordered from in ages since they stopped selling my 3 favorite perfumes. Browsing their site, though, is a reminder of just how much French I really do know. I just can’t pull it out of thin air on my own if I wanted to say something in French, and can only understand some of it if I read it or hear it. Maybe I’ll enroll in LM’s French courses if we ever move.

But that’s just the thing. Will we ever move??? Every time we find what appears to be a great deal we always discover a nasty catch with it. Last night it was an updated doublewide with the perfect amount of space for just 5K on a lot that rents for $500 a month. But then the ad went on to say the backyard was perfect for a dog, which pretty much tells me that particular park allows people to just toss them outdoors and forget about them.

Tom seemed a bit annoyed with my reluctance at first, but as I reminded him, barking, screaming kids and car stereos are what we’re supposed to be avoiding. So why defeat the purpose and take a place that has “dog hangouts” which suggests that while they may limit the size and number of dogs you can have, they don’t care what you do with them or who it may affect?

Then Tom checked the place out by satellite and OMG! Not only did the roof look absolutely horrible, but the back of it ran alongside a bunch of cramped duplexes. There was a thin block wall between the places, but even he agreed it wouldn’t be worth it. The duplexes may not allow dogs, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t have friends visiting with dogs, barbecues, parties, screaming kids, etc. There were also a couple of basketball hoops – right on the street, believe it or not – and any loud car stereos, house stereos or those with drums, bass guitars and shit like that would be heard in the place very easily. There were no dogs allowed in the duplex we lived in up in Oregon, but God just had to see to it that this bitch moved in next to us with a service dog that the management company couldn’t say no to. So why wouldn’t we “happen” to get some extremes and exceptions there, too?

The hunt for the right place may be going frustratingly slow, but all the while our savings is building up and up and up.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2012 “I can’t live like this anymore,” I told Tom yesterday through one of my scattered sneezing fits. He agrees. So we’re going to schedule appointments for both my teeth and allergies. We can’t keep waiting on a move that may never happen or that may not happen for many months.

Allergies are now whipping my ass every 4-10 days and it’s really interfering with my day-to-day life. Severe allergies are much like the common cold, so to have to stop what I’m doing to blow my nose or because I get hit with a sneezing fit really gets to be a bit much. It’s all I can do at times to keep from taking a frying pan and smashing my fucking nose right off my face. If it were once a month I could live with it, but this is getting to be an average of every week. First the sneezing and runny nose interfere with my work, then I get all drowsy and knocked out by the allergy pills I take which don’t help that much anyway.

I slept forever last night (12 hours) and awoke several times feeling like cotton balls had been jammed inside my mouth.

Sleeping 12 hours has its pros and cons. If I could do it every day instead of the usual 8 hours, I could probably lose weight without nearly starving myself to death. But the longer I sleep the more likely I am to wake up with lower back pain.

Although I have a bit of a Benadryl hangover, I should be able to work out today, nose pincher-free, as well as get some work done around here. Maybe some story writing too, though I don’t expect to be very sociable online.

It’s going to be in the low to mid-90s all week. That will help restrict the Jes pest’s outdoor hours to early mornings. Once it stops reaching 80° he’s going to be outside working on shit all day long. I had really hoped to be gone by November, but it doesn’t look that way at this point.

The two times during the year you’re most likely to hear chainsaws are now when they’re cutting for firewood and in the late spring after the last of the rain. It’s important to trim back any trees that can be potential fire hazards during the long dry summer ahead.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2012 I’m really disappointed in Maliheh. Yesterday I sent her a message containing the latest journal entries just to see if she’d care enough to send a simple message in response to all I’ve been going through, even if it was just a simple “I’m sorry” or “Hope you feel better soon.” TIP shows she picked it up, but I got absolutely nothing in response from her. Some friend she’s turned out to be, huh? Well, this time I totally mean it when I say I’m going to make her wait on me if I ever hear from her again.

I really think she just wanted to buddy up to me, IDK, maybe so she could feel a little better about herself and like she was making up for the past at least somewhat, and so she could help see to it that her name was left out of my book, then maybe she planned to not so much as dump me but slowly drift away in the end. Well, guess who’s going to drift along with her?

When I’m actually chatting with Maliheh she makes me think she really does care. But when I don’t hear from her for so long and she ignores messages I know she picked up, it really makes me think she’s only hanging onto me to keep me from mentioning her in my blog and things like that.

No more “poking” or messaging Christiane either for the same reasons. She’s just not a true friend.

My Reading reader returned this morning. Looks like they may’ve bookmarked my blog. They were in for an hour 3 days ago, 10 minutes yesterday, and just 28 seconds today. Because today’s visit was so rushed, maybe they’ll return later. It could be a friend of a friend from VH, but I really get the feeling it’s someone I know. Well, if it’s not Larry or Jennifer, then who could it be? Someone connected to extended family or family friends?

Later…

Tom got his first summons for jury duty since being here in Cali. I guess you don’t have to go to court on a set day and time and you just call in instead. I still can’t believe they just randomly pull people off the street for that. Okay, so I know they’re screened somewhat, but it still seems weird. Judges aren’t pulled at random, and lawyers aren’t pulled at random, so why are jury members? I would think they’d hire people to do that full-time and that that would be a full-time career for some people.

I looked at our 5-cast and wow. It really does seem to get warmer and dryer each year. We usually have to shut windows at night by late August. Yet here it is almost October and we’ve only shut them a few nights. But high 95°, low 61°? Love it! I do miss the rain a bit, though.

Even though it’s still pretty summery out, I’m starting to hear more of the Jes pest in the early mornings. He was hammering something up there at 8:30 this morning, so I heard when I was near the open kitchen window. This cock would be just as big of a nightmare to have living a few feet away from me as were the pack of freeloaders we had to deal with in Arizona.

I was wrong in assuming the application Tom filled out was just to get into the park. It was actually for financing for any park-owned models we may want. If we got something that wasn’t as nice we could buy it outright, but if we want something nicer we’ll have to make payments. Hopefully, the fact that we haven’t heard back from them yet is a good thing. Wouldn’t they tell us “no way” right away? If it turns out they rejected us but were too lazy to call and tell us, I don’t want to do business with them. Tom’s going to call them next week if he doesn’t hear anything this week.

Got hit with yet another allergy attack. As soon as I woke up I knew it was going to be a bad day given how stuffy my nose was. I scrambled to work out and do a bit of cleaning before the allergy pill I took could knock me out as it did for a few hours. I clamped my nose with pinchers I used to wear when swimming so I wouldn’t go sneezing all over the treadmill, but this is ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous! Tom thinks I’m allergic to some plant or animal here in these woods and that once we leave I’ll be ok. Yeah, well, I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, though, Oregon’s the only place I’ve lived where my allergies weren’t an issue.

Maybe I’ll feel up to doing a little cooking and even doing my nails and using the Zud I ordered by mail that I couldn’t find in stores to easily clean tea and coffee stains from my mugs. Nothing else works so well!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2012 Gross! A skunk sprayed really close to the house. I’ve got incense going in the bedroom and kitchen. What the hell is so close to the house that it just had to go and spray?

Anyway, I’m still kinda pissed, but I feel better today. I guess it was just digesting and accepting the initial news that got to me, but now that I’ve had time to think and sleep and think some more, there’s no sense in staying upset over things I cannot change. Doesn’t mean it’s right, doesn’t mean it’s fair, doesn’t mean I like it, doesn’t mean I’ll forgive my parents, especially my mom; it just means I accept that they were who they were – a couple of phony people who felt the need to put on a show throughout life instead of being who they were. If there’s an afterlife I hope they know just how UNproud of them I am. Even Tom said he didn’t realize just how important image was to them until now. They fooled an awful lot of people. Did they think they’d never die one day and that the truth would never be exposed? Did they think no one would find out they weren’t the rich people they wanted the world to think they were and that while they drove their fancy cars they were in debt and struggling their asses off, especially in the end?

Tom said the only thing he feels bad for them about is how they had to endure the stress of keeping up the false façade for so many years. I don’t feel bad for them at all, though. They made their own bed so it was only right that they lie in it. Besides, no amount of suffering could compare to the suffering I did in Valleyhead as well as right under their roof.

What I don’t get is why image was so important to them. Why couldn’t they just be themselves and not worry about who thought what? But it’s true, image was everything to them. Whenever we’d visit each other they saw what I was wearing and not the person behind the clothes. I was a skirt that may’ve been too short and a shirt that may’ve been too tight. I was never just Jodi.

They’re part of the reason why I have such an I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think attitude. Besides, I’m smart enough to know that not everyone’s going to like us no matter what walk of life we come from and no matter what we look like. People can hate you if you’re rich same as if you’re poor. They can hate you if you’re pretty as much as they can hate you if you’re ugly.

I anonymously asked half a dozen or so people on Ask what they thought of the 40% thing and the majority said they would be grateful for what they got. As Tom pointed out, they don’t have anything anyway. 40% of nothing is the same as 60% of nothing. Tom thinks I’ll probably get 2-3 grand. Well, at least that will pay for most of what we’ll want for the new house and then it won’t have to come out of our own savings even if he’ll continue to make a lot of money and our expenses will be lower.

I can just imagine all the stories they told in life! Hey, I always knew they were liars, just not the extent of it. “They brainwashed a lot of people,” I said to Tom.

“No, they fooled a lot of people,” he said. “Like with Judy mentioning an art collection. She had to have gotten that from somewhere as people don’t just pull something like that out of nowhere. Your parents had to have said something to make her think that.”

Well, I don’t think it ever existed. Obviously, that was another lie unless they once had something like it and sold it off to pay their debts and keep the false façades going. That’s why I didn’t understand Tammy being so pissed about Judy mentioning it. How is Judy to know what’s true and what’s not after they lived a lie for so damn long that so many people bought into? Yet she insisted she wanted to “get things off her chest” to Judy because Judy has a big mouth. “Nothing at all against Andy, but she needs to learn to keep her fucking mouth shut.”

I understand that Judy can sometimes resort to gossiping a bit too much same as my mother did as well as Charlotte and the whole damn bunch, but Judy’s just a sweet old lady who doesn’t mean any harm as far as I’m concerned. Yet Tammy says she never liked her and something about something she supposedly did a while back was “the final straw.” Something I don’t know about and that she wouldn’t tell me about. Personally, I don’t want to know anyway cuz it has nothing to do with me. As I also told her, I don’t know Judy’s address or phone number, not that I’d give her this info if I did know it. She asked about Andy and was glad to hear he was doing really well. All I told her was that they were in neighboring condos and Judy’s was up for sale.

Another thing she said (this one really shocked me) was that Mom and Charlotte’s friendship never ended. Really? But I could’ve sworn I was told mom dumped her several years ago.

Later…

Andy said I shouldn’t have accepted Molly’s apology, she doesn’t mean it, and I should’ve just deleted her questions.

Yeah, he’s probably right. She’s “apologized” before and never meant it. I’m surprised there were no questions from her yesterday.

It just hit me that it could be Jennifer. I hope it is. Then she can know exactly how I feel about her. Well, not about her so much as about her getting any money. But as far as Jennifer herself goes; she never did anything to me, so I have nothing against her.

I checked FB and saw that she went to college sort of near Reading where I got a visitor from. I noticed that she dropped her last name and is now going by just Jennifer Lynn, like she didn’t want to be associated with her last name. Can’t say I blame her!

I realize that I may’ve come across as rather harsh where Jennifer is concerned and given the impression that I’m angry with her or that I have anything against her. I don’t. She never did anything wrong to me. She did not ask or demand to be included in my parents’ will either, so to be angry at her would be both unfounded and pointless. To give her 15% may be a bit much and perhaps 5% would’ve been more reasonable, but as Tammy said, I am getting the majority of the money. She and Larry aren’t getting any at all, though Tammy is doing well and has stated she doesn’t want it.

I don’t feel bad for Jennifer’s father, though I feel bad for her because of her father. He was an absentee dad for quite a bit of her childhood, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he became a stranger to her in adulthood.

First she lost her brother whom Larry favored being that he was both male and firstborn and I felt so bad for Jennifer because of it. I felt bad for Sandy, too. Sandy was always such a sweetheart. Yet Larry made both Sandy and Jennifer seem like second best. I don’t have to be a genius to know that he wouldn’t have taken it nearly as hard had it been Jennifer who was killed instead.

Secondly, she’s gotta feel awkward as hell over the fact that her father has “dated” minors and has thrown away his wonderful wife and daughter as if they were yesterday’s news. How ashamed and embarrassed for him she must be! Her future “step-mom,” assuming they really do get even dumber and tie the knot, is nearly a decade younger than her. Her “half-brother” will be nearly 3 decades younger. That’s gotta seem weird as hell!

Later…

I was going to post 10-20 pages a day of old journals on my-diary and LJ but found that to be a bit much. Then I decided on just a few pages a day, figuring no one would read them anyway, but I thought wrong. I was flattered to learn that a guy close to my age in San Diego finds it rather interesting to see what he was doing around the same time on the other side of the country, so I’ll keep on posting them. It just may not be as fast as I’d like.

He read about Valleyhead, researched it and found discussions about it. He agrees it sounds pretty fucking awful, and says he can relate to a lot of what I went through.

I’m also flattered to know, on another site, that I’m an inspiration for someone who has resumed their own writing. That’s quite a compliment! She’s a 34-year-old woman in Missouri and has already spent 3 hours on my blog.

“Guten Morgen. Wie geht es Dir,” I surprised Tammy with this morning when I called her. She knows I’ve learned quite a bit of German, but probably wasn’t expecting that, LOL. She’s still packing up the condo and finding it strange and creepy as hell being in there by herself. It’s still weird to me to know I just talked to them both less than a year ago and they were still with it and all that. sighs So sad in itself, but still infuriating to learn what I have learned the more their masks are peeled off.

The funeral is Sunday, so she’s got 4 days to fry the bitch. Mark and the kiddy lover will be down at the end of the week. Next Wednesday she returns home.

As I said before, I hope to hell we’ll never need it, but to know that Tammy would pay to fly us to her and take care of us till we got our feet on the ground should we ever go broke again, is a huge relief to know. She’s told me at least 3 times not to hesitate to pick up the phone and call her if we ever need help. Again, it’s a great feeling. No one wants to feel they’re all alone in the world or like no one gives a shit should they get in a desperate situation. But that’s the way it has been for the most part – those that care haven’t been in a position to help, and those that have been don’t care. Tom’s mother really put a complex on me the day she turned her own son and his wife away in one of their times of need (after we did so much for her and gave her so much money when we did have it) that it became really hard for me to reach out for help. Besides, the situation last year turned so bad that I didn’t think anyone could help us. I had no idea Tammy had this basement apartment and that she would have flown us to her.

I had said that there was nothing to say we still wouldn’t struggle throughout most of our lives, but there’s also nothing to really say we will either. Circumstances beyond our control will always arise. We didn’t make the economy go bad. It’s being prepared for those things that are out of our control that either make you or break you when the shit hits the fan in life.

I also spoke to Paula. She’s her usual self but sounds good. Meaning that she sounded perky and glad to hear from me. She has some medical issues, though, with her stomach and foot. I misunderstood, too. She lost 30 pounds, not 50. Still, that’s a lot of weight. Sentencing is right around the corner on the 3rd so she’s nervous about that.

I feel bad for Eileen. She and her husband have been having a super hard time with things lately.

It’s been surprisingly quiet these last two days. I expected chainsaws, engine gunning and more barking, but haven’t heard much of anything. It’s still pretty warm, though.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2012 The woman who loved her husband but did not love her kids has died. She died last night at 6pm ET just one day shy of the day my dad died 7 months ago. First Dad, then my beloved pet, and then her. Makes me wonder – and worry – who could be next.

I picked up the voice message from Tammy when I awoke 4 or 5 hours earlier than I thought I would. I was so tired all day yesterday that I crashed a few hours earlier. I’ve been up since midnight. PT, that is. At around 6am my time I’ll call both Tammy and the attorney.

Back to Mom. Did she suffer in the end? Did she even have any sense of awareness? I wonder about these things. How hard was it on Tammy? Probably hard enough. Her voice sounded weary and strained. When I hadn’t heard from her by noon my time yesterday, I assumed mom held out till she got there, after all, unless she’d either killed or been killed by Larry.

Has Mom joined Dad in the afterlife? Are they at peace together there? Well, if they are then that would mean that the only ones to pay for the abuse she inflicted upon others in life are the victims. So while I know my dad may want to be reunited with her and while it may sound like a very romantic notion, I know he won’t be with her if she’s off somewhere else (in hell?) being made to suffer.

Then again there’s still always the possibility that there is no afterlife. Or maybe we’re reincarnated. Maybe she’s been reborn to a drug-addicted prostitute who will beat her ass every chance she gets. Guess we’ll never know any more than we’ll know who/what created the universe. Did God? Science says otherwise, but there still may’ve been a God behind the Big Bang. And does the same God rule just planet Earth? The whole solar system? The whole galaxy? Questions, questions, questions, but never any answers.

I guess it takes a few days for the spirit to get to where it’s going and to be able to do anything. At least that’s what I hear some people believe. Right now, though, she’s probably freezing her ass off in the morgue, but tomorrow (now today) she’ll be anything but cold when she has her date with the crematory folks.

How do I feel? Well, I still haven’t cried for her and I doubt I ever will. But as for any possible afterlife; I’m torn. Sure I’d like to see her with Dad and for them to live in peace for all eternity. But I’d also like to see her suffer for her abuse. I’m tired of watching every single person who’s ever wronged me, be it in a big way or a small way, up and get away with it as if it were nothing at all. No God, no law, no nothing, has ever made them pay for their offenses against me. This both angers and scares me because it leads me to believe that someone up there thinks it’s ok. It’s ok to screw over Jodi S. Well, it’s NOT ok, and I don’t care what any twisted God or law says. So yes, I hope she’s miserable if she somehow lives on in some other place and time, hopefully without haunting me in any way. I’d like to think she wouldn’t do that if she could, but when you consider what she did to me when she was alive, one can never be too sure. It’s part of why I refused her ashes. It seemed right to add Mom’s urn to Dad’s urn and have both parents together, but I refused her not just because I despised her but because I thought it might be a serious token of bad luck.

Bad things can and do happen to me just for minding my own business and trying to live life to the best of my ability. I’m not perfect, yet I do the best I can. Yet bad things still can and do happen to me. So why ask for trouble? If I can get into enough trouble without asking, I’d really hate to actually ask for it! It seems there are a lot of people out there who can get away with doing bad things, but if I just so much as dare think evil thoughts about someone, trouble heads my way. So I’m going to try to focus on more positive things.

Tom just got up and said he’s glad it’s over. Not just so that it won’t always be on my mind, but cuz he hates to see anything suffer no matter what they might’ve done. I’m glad it’s over too, though knowing how backward and unfair things are, I highly doubt she suffered much. I think she was too out of it to know what the hell was going on. Right now it’s me I’m worried about cuz if she’s coming after me she’ll “arrive” in a few days. Who knows, though, maybe it’ll go the other way around. Maybe she’ll feel so damn guilty for all she’s done that she’ll influence good to happen instead of evil. Like having the park call to tell us to come on down and pick out our new home. Really, I want to get the fuck out of here! Not just for obvious reasons, but the chainsaws are starting and so are the Jes pest and mutts.

The real Molly ended up apologizing to me yesterday, which was kinda funny. I thanked her but told her she’s got to promise that she’ll move on with her new life and that I’m just a boring old person anyway. But sure enough, she contacts me again to say she’s “moved on” yet creates another account. Brilliant. Typical Molly too, but at least I haven’t been pestered by Kim. That one’s even crazier. So crazy she could never apologize cuz she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. Molly knows, but just can’t always help herself.

Later…

Made my first hard-boiled egg and it came out perfect!

Went to Kmart yesterday and ended up getting quite a bit for the $88 we spent. I once won a Rock Band keyboard that we sold for about $60 yet Tom got one for just $20. He plans to get a Wii sometime, too.

I got a couple of bottles of nail polish and a new silverware holder since ours is “peeling.” It’s made of wire that has a white plastic coating. But it’s so old that the coating is breaking off in pieces.

We also got a 3.5” digital photo display with a purple frame to put that idea I got from a dream to the test. I thought it would make a great night light for when I’m up at night to see my way around through to the kitchen and it does. It holds about 1000 high-quality photos but doesn’t shuffle through them, which is weird. It shuffles through the MP3s, though I don’t have any loaded on right now. It also has a calendar, clock and alarm.

Later…

“You knew this,” I tried to tell myself. “You knew God protects and rewards evil while letting the good suffer. You know He’s anything but a loving, caring God. You knew He would see to it that not only did his precious little child abuser not suffer on her way to the Pearly Gates, but that He’d let her screw you out of any serious money in the end, too. And He did. Both of them have added insult to injury and I don’t know who I hate more, Mom or God! Even Tammy’s pissed as hell.

Tammy swears she didn’t know Mom made these final changes until this morning, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that mom fucked me over in life and you would think that would be enough for her, but no, now she has to go and fuck me over from the grave, too. Apparently, I’m worth 40% to the bitch. Just 40%. Tammy says she gave up her share, while Walter, the family attorney, says mom removed both her and Larry out and said that I was to get 40% of the cash that’s left over when everything sells while each of her 4 granddaughters was to get 15%. Now I’m shitty with numbers so my first thought was that 40 was greater than 15 even if I still didn’t like it, particularly when it came to Jennifer. But after I had time to digest this info, I looked at the big picture as a whole. You mean her grandkids are 60% while her own daughter is just 40%?! The daughter she abused?! Fucking Jennifer hardly even knows she exists and Becky and Sarah can’t even stand her. Nothing against the kids, I told Tammy, who was very empathetic and understanding. She was just as pissed and she knew I would be pissed, too. It’d be nice if Jennifer could do the right thing and not accept what isn’t rightfully hers, but I know she won’t. So I would only get 4K out of 10K while these estranged grandkids she never abused get to pocket 6K. Now THAT really pisses the shit out of me, and I don’t care who doesn’t “get” it or who may call me “selfish.” If you didn’t know Dureen O, then you can’t possibly know how I feel.

As Walter said, he’d only heard what I had to say through Tammy so far and actually wanted to hear it from me directly, which is understandable, like when I said I didn’t give a shit about the furniture and jewelry. Our lovely mom said Larry, Tammy and I could split the furniture while Tammy and I split the jewelry. I wouldn’t be interested in these things even if I lived next door to the bitch, so I told Walter what I told Tammy – keep it. I guess the cradle robber made off with a valuable antique marble table, though, that he claims he wants to keep in the family (he and his child-woman moved back to MA cuz she missed her mommy), but Tammy doesn’t know what it’s worth. At least the unborn bastard won’t get anything. Therefore Miss Daddy Issues can have all the kids she wants with “Gramps.”

Tammy received her own slap in the face too, so she learned from Norma over the last few days. Apparently, when she was down there helping Mom when she broke her ankle, Norma called and asked where she was. “I don’t know,” was mom’s answer. That was really low of her.

I thought the store had sold, but I guess the buyer backed out of the deal saying it wasn’t worth it, so the store, store merchandise, condo and vehicles are all for sale. However, the bitch owes 97K between the condo and the loan she took out. She also had major credit card debt from when Dad’s medical bills started piling up, and then there’s store debt, too. There’s about 20K in-store merch. One of the vehicles, a 2006 Hyundai is worth something, but Dad’s 2000 van isn’t worth much. The condo is worth about 105K - 110K, Walter also said. So basically I could end up with anywhere from nothing to 5K - 10K. A part of me hopes I don’t get shit so that no one else gets shit, but I don’t want to lose out for anyone either. What I’m going to get for sure is unknown at this time. Walter has to go through everything, and until things are sold, his hands are tied. The only other thing I remember him mentioning is something about the condo being part of the trust or something like that.

Tammy’s at the condo gathering up what she thinks I would like. I offered to have Walter hang onto any shipping costs from my share, but she insisted on paying for it herself. She’s going to take it all up to CT and ship it from there. If there’s any good to not having moved yet it’s that I can just leave what she may send that I don’t want, and even she said not to worry if there’s anything I don’t want. I suggested she take pics of the stuff when she does get back, so she doesn’t waste time sending too much unwanted stuff.

While we were talking I mentioned the flowers.com GC I had won and the beautiful vase I had a flower or plant of some kind shipped to the bitch in. I described it to her and said it was a really pretty vase and I almost wished I sent it to myself (I should have!) and asked if she could get that for me. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but when I described the purple mirrored squares on it she said it sounded familiar and like something she’d seen around the place. So she dug through some shelves and found it.

She also asked if I wanted figurines she had of children by an artist named Jessie Wilcox Smith. I’d never heard of her since it’s been so long since I collected anything, so I looked her up online. Her stuff is ok, so sure, she can send them. As I told Tammy, I like realistic-looking sculptures and nothing too cartoonish. She said something about large, colorful portraits too since she knows I like bright colors and modern things. She’s just the opposite. She loves antiques and that rustic look, too.

She’ll also be sending photos. Most of Dad, of course.

I was pissed, but not surprised to learn she was comatose and went rather peacefully and painlessly, though I guess they pumped her full of morphine in the very end. Now her ass is freezing in the morgue till Tammy can arrange to turn the bitch to ashes and dust. I feel bad for Tammy haven’t so much to do on account of the bitch between packing up the condo and then getting the bitch fried.

Maybe if I’d abused children I’d have had a better life overall, since it seems it’s usually the assholes that live quite well while the good people suffer. She brainwashed an awful lot of people about an awful lot of things. She brainwashed people into thinking she was rich. Judy thought she was rich. Andy thought she was rich. Hell, I thought she was rich! Compared to the starving and struggling I did, though, she was until the very end. In reality, she was just comfortable as hell. She was never literally rich.

She also brainwashed an untold amount of people into thinking I was crazy and that that was why she sent me away when the truth was that she couldn’t deal with the problems I had which SHE created.

Sooner or later God’s gonna send someone to fuck me over so that I WILL be able to make deal with whatever problems they cause me. I WILL get justice for myself and punishment for them. Damn, do I hate that bastard for what He’s allowed to happen! And her, too! Oh yes, sooner or later He’s going to send someone my way with trouble in mind and not even He will be able to protect them!

All I had was ADHD and PTS brought on by the grief she caused me. That’s all I had. Yet she managed to convince tons of people that I was truly crazy. Now I don’t give a shit who thinks what, but when you’re just a kid it hurts like hell. The question is why she did it. Did she think it would bring her sympathy and attention since she couldn’t just tell people I was sick or had a broken leg or something like that? There was an even worse stigma back in the 70s and 80s toward “crazy” people, so I would think that crying “Crazy daughter!” would have lost her friends rather than gained her any sympathy or attention.

Another thing that used to piss me off about her was how seldom she would praise or compliment my accomplishments in life. Especially if it dealt with things she couldn’t relate to. When I published my first book – not a word. When I’d win writing contests – not a word. When I’d discuss my language learning abilities – not a word. Was she jealous or did she just not give a shit? Maybe a little of both. I may not be able to drive or keep a schedule and I may be shitty at a lot of things, but I’m anything but the stupid, crazy person she loved to brag I was.

I hope she’s rotting in Hell even if it means Dad has to do without her. Tom thinks they’re together, though, cuz he doesn’t believe in Hell. Maybe it’d be a good thing if Tom was right. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about not only dying a slow, painful, and totally miserable death all alone, but I wouldn’t have to worry about being thrown into Hell because I wasn’t “bad enough.” Hey, stealing candy as a kid, telling a few tall tales, and making pranks simply wouldn’t be enough to earn me a ticket to Heaven if there was such a thing. No, you need to abuse children and treat your daughter like she’s only 40% of your life and like that’s all she’s worth in order to get to Heaven.

Well, Miss 40% still wishes the very, very worst upon her! Miss 40% still has people who love her and who recognize her strengths and not just her weaknesses, just like Tammy pointed out. Miss 40% will rise above these assholes and have a decent home someday, even though, as Tammy also said, home is where Tom is and our hearts are. Miss 40% will never forgive her mother, and God forever has Miss 40%’s undying and totally devoted hatred!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2012 Getting more views from Florida and wondering if it’s anyone I know. Mary? A friend or family member? And who asked “Are you jealous of Tammy because she’s doing better than you?” on Ask? Molly? Kim? Someone else? My guess is Molly, so I deleted that question and “apologized” from her to me for stalking me out of jealousy. I suppose I really should just delete and ignore shit like this, though.

People have said that I should forgive my mother because if I do, then she’ll no longer have control over me. First of all, forgiveness is not a matter of choice any more than what foods, colors or music we like and dislike. Secondly, she doesn’t have control over me or my life and she hasn’t since the day I moved out on my own right before I turned 19. Sometimes I wonder if most people really encourage forgiveness in hopes that people will be quicker to forgive them when people get mad at them for whatever. Not saying this is the case. I’m just saying it’s not something I can consciously pick and choose to do at will. If you can, then wow. Just wow. You’re amazing.

When I was around 7 or 8 my mom was playing music in our living room one day. It was a song called Mama by Connie Francis. In a very melancholy voice, she sang of missing her dead mother and it made me very sad. The thought of losing my own mother, despite how abusive she could be, brought me to tears. I couldn’t imagine life without mom for all mothers abused their kids, right? That was perfectly normal, right?

Well, I haven’t heard back from my sister yet and I don’t know if my mom’s gone yet or not, but the me of today who knows what’s “normal” and what’s not, is not in tears at all.

Anyway, I’ll just be glad when all is said and done, but not as much as Tammy no doubt will be. She’s not doing well at all. She’s in poor health and the trips to and from Florida have been costing her a fortune.

Still no moving dreams and still not sure what I want. It’s easy for me to say I want a 1990 or newer place that’s 1000-1500 square feet cuz that’s sufficient space for two people and then there’d be less renovating to do. But if we go with an older place, we could make it exactly what we want it to be and save money on the monthly lot rent.

Pam, his coworker who lives there, told us something good and bad. The bad is that it may take a few weeks for the park to process our application. The good is that she says she thinks we’ll get in. She says she’s known of people who have gotten in with horrible credit and our credit isn’t “horrible.” It’s just not that good.

Tom’s gonna replace the brakes on the car soon cuz that’s another good and bad thing right there. Whatever park we get into won’t let you work on cars there. This is good since that is totally, totally annoying to have to listen to. The Jes pest is already running, gunning, beating and bashing that old truck of his and it’s so annoying to have to listen to at this distance. So to have people do this shit just a few feet away would drive me crazy. As it is I still think I’m going to hear enough barking dogs being walked around the park, people hanging out chatting, vehicles coming and going, landscaping projects, etc. Hopefully, none of it will be overly loud, though, and I’m sure that at night as well as when it’s raining or really hot, it should be pretty peaceful.

I was listening to electromagnetic vibrations converted into sound waves of the Earth and other planets. It’s awesome! Weird but awesome. I’ve always been fascinated by outer space and the endless possibilities of the various forms of intelligent life that could exist in other solar systems.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2012 Our connection is getting worse and worse. I worry about the day there’s no service at all and we call them just to be told the same old usual bullshit response of “everything’s ok,” after being on hold for 3 hours.

Tom’s gone to work and Tammy’s getting ready to head down to Florida. At first I didn’t understand why she wanted me to call her or why she left a message yesterday (I was asleep) now that she’s able to get online, but then she messaged me on Facebook.

She gave me the attorney’s number to call on Monday. I don’t know what much he can tell me, though, that I don’t already know.

Back when I lived in Phoenix, Tammy, Larry and I each pitched in to get Mom a ring containing our birthstones. She offered that to me but I’m not interested. Besides, it’d be too big on me and I don’t think I could sell it for much, especially in this economy. She also offered a small urn with mom’s ashes like what dad’s in, but I said what she said the rest of the family was saying – fuck no. I just burst out laughing to myself wondering what the fuck will become of her ashes that no one wants. Again, the fish in the ocean would certainly want her. Why can’t she just go there and put the $500 we’d save in cremation expenses in my pocket?

As I’ve said before, it isn’t about us needing money now; it’s about milking what I can from this abusive bitch who never did a day’s time for every kick, punch and slap she administered to me, let alone the depression and anger she also caused me.

If you could speed up this last year into just a few seconds, it’s like something pushed Tom and I out of the way of a flying bullet, and let my parents take the bullet instead for this year it’s my mother’s turn to be on death row. Only difference is that where our situation seemed 100% hopeless for a couple of weeks, hers is 1000% hopeless.

I was discussing with Tom how frustrating it is that we’re still here and might not be moving anytime soon, and I still wonder why. Is it really because something up there is trying to stop us cuz it wants us to stay in someone else’s tiny dump? Or is something having Tom get hit with all this OT cuz something really good is on the horizon? Or maybe even something really bad? I can’t imagine what bad could cost us the money we’ve got saved and are continuing to save, and I sure as hell hope nothing bad arises. That’s because if it did and it sucked up most of our money, that would mean it would be something really, REALLY bad. If this OT keeps up for the rest of the year we’ll easily have 11K in savings, and if it did it for an entire year (though we know it wouldn’t), he’d make 53K in that year. He may get paid biweekly, but this next check alone will pay two months of rent ($825)!

Other than the money, it just sucks that he can’t have a life. He’s literally going to have to take time off to move cuz they’re not going to give him enough time to do it otherwise. He said he could straighten the department out he’s in in a week and then they could not only afford to stop paying so much OT, but they could also afford to lay half the department off. But in case he was one of them, he’s in no hurry for them to catch on to their own stupidity. It’s kind of funny in a way. For years we wished someone would let him work somewhere in the first place, even if it was just part-time. Now his whole life is nothing but work, work, work. Sometimes one really does get what they wish for even if it may take a couple of years and be a bit overkill. Now can we please have a decent house that’s not as old as I am and that isn’t so damn small?!

The cock up the hill has been gunning his fucking truck on and off since 7am. Cock, you better hope the next people in here are a lot more tolerant than we’ve been or are stuck here like we have been for so damn long!

The Internet was out for a few hours, and then I got a call from Tammy. Mom may not even survive until she gets down there, but I’ll explain more about our talk in my next entry. It may be a while, though.

Later…

For one solid day, I bawled my eyes out when my dad died last February 24th. I still miss him at times. But I have yet to shed a tear for my mother, who has just hours left to live, and I doubt I ever will. The situation as a whole is what’s sad. So any sadness I do feel is mostly for Dad and the fact that two people’s entire existence can cease to exist just months apart. It was almost exactly 7 months ago that my dad died, and now my mom may not make it until Tammy arrives in Florida tonight. Her flight doesn’t leave until 3pm her time.

I often said I wished I were an only child since it would probably make my life easier, yet despite my past problems with my sister and my hatred for my brother, I appreciate them taking care of things, so to speak. Tammy’s taking care of the store and personal items. Larry’s hauling out furniture in a truck. Neither of us wants it anyway. If it weren’t for them, it’d just be one more thing for Tom and I to have to deal with.

I also appreciate (and Tom agrees) Tammy keeping me up to date on what’s been going on. I don’t think she did, but it’s still possible she screwed me over. We’ll find out eventually if anyone did. I doubt it, though. I am pissed off to know that Jennifer’s getting money for reasons I already mentioned before. The money is to be split between my 4 nieces and I, though Tammy’s given up her share. She said if Larry wants his share, that’s ok. Not by me it isn’t, though there’s nothing I can do about it if he does. Even the attorney said he didn’t know what the fuck dad was thinking when he wrote out the will, according to Tammy.

She also tells me Larry’s broke. Well, he should’ve thought about that before he went up and knocked up his child-woman and been smart enough to realize she’s too young and he’s too old to be parents. Maybe the little bastard (God would be kind enough to give him the son he no doubt wanted) will choke on something or the doctor will drop it when it pops out and break its neck. Whorebag or not, at least its father won’t beat it up or put it down so bad that it ends up feeling like the biggest, hopeless, ugliest, totally abnormal piece of shit on earth. Don’t know about her, though.

We’re actually surprised the bitch didn’t leave all the money to her mutt, though Tammy and Mark have come to really love the thing, LOL. Seriously, though, her dogs were always #1 and were always treated like gold. We envied them. If they peed where they weren’t supposed to, they at least didn’t get their asses beat.

Mom’s got the death rattle, Tammy said, and can barely swallow. How she doesn’t drown on her own spit is beyond me. I guess she’s either drying up or they’re doing something to keep her from drowning on it, though I don’t see why they would want to prolong the inevitable. Drown the bitch, nursing home people, will ya?

I wonder if she’s even got any awareness or if she’s suffering, and of course a part of me – a big part of me – hopes she is. I guess she opens her eyes at times and she kind of did this to herself cuz she didn’t want to live. Tammy said she didn’t take her medication cuz she was so depressed. She may’ve bossed the guy around to death, but she really did love my dad. No doubt about that. That’s the one and only thing I can understand is her depression. If I would kill myself – and I would – if I lost Tom after 19 years, I can just imagine how she would feel after losing someone she was with for 63 years. No amount of crushes, lust and attraction can sever us from our true soul mates. I wonder, though, is it just her consciously or subconsciously wanting to be with Dad, or is Dad also out there somewhere pulling her toward him as well? My guess is that if he could he would seeing how miserable she is. Fine, he can have her!

Anyway, it’s not an infection that’s going to kill her. I guess her organs are just shutting down. When Tammy and I spoke when the Internet came back on, she said there were so many emotions running through her. She said if it’s any consolation to herself, she can know she kept her promise to Dad. On his deathbed, she promised to look out for Mom. Dad may’ve put up with too much shit and looked the other way too often, but everybody loved him. Everybody. But ma – even Becky and Sarah hate her. Lisa doesn’t, though, cuz mom favored her and she knew it.

Tammy said that may be part of why it’s been so hard on her was because she saw the decline. She’s been there so much since Dad died that it’s different when you’re there watching it as opposed to hearing about it from afar. I can understand this much, and I told her that. I don’t know if I could or would pity Mom if I were by her side watching her die, but I’m glad I won’t ever find out. Soon it will be all over and Tammy can go back home and never again have to deal with Larry.

An odd sense of freedom is coming over me now, though I’m kind of emotional at the same time. Not emotional in the way I was when Dad died, but to lose both parents in less than a year is still a big deal no matter what kind of people they were. I feel “free” knowing that from now on if I get into a fight with any family members, I don’t have to worry about my parents being dragged into it and then taking it out on me. No more can people go running to mommy and daddy, and believe me, I intend to let a few people have it when this is all over. Jennifer, Polly and maybe even a message to Larry’s child-woman just because I know it’ll piss Larry off that I got through to his mistress through her friend. That’s the only way I can get through to her since she doesn’t allow messages from non-friends. Tammy will hear about it as will the rest of the family right down to the most extended of extended family members, but guess who doesn’t give a shit? It will be legal, non-threatening, and even swear-free, but I have something to say to these people and I’m going to say it and get things off my chest. I don’t intend to have any more problems with family ever again, though, cuz Tammy and I are either always going to get along or we’re not, and if there’s any trouble, I’m gone. Gone for good. No need to stick around and fight or argue when I can just not bother with her. She’d probably harass me every now and then, but one has to do what they gotta do.

Anyway, while most people mourn the deaths of their mothers by basically staying in bed and crying all day, I’ll be celebrating at Kmart tomorrow morning. Well, Tom and I actually decided on this before I learned the poodle may go bye-bye tonight. We deserve some fun for once. He’s been working his ass off, and I’ve been waiting around month after month for nothing (at least we got richer doing it), so Sally Hansen, here I come!

Tammy told me more about her house. It’s on 3 acres and she hardly hears her neighbors. No barking, dirt bikes and motorcycles. Why is it always me that has to listen to other people’s shit??? Mark grew up there and his family has land all over that area. The place isn’t all paid for but it’s close. There are 2600 square feet on the main floor (way too big) and that’s not counting the full-fledged apartment they’ve got downstairs that Becky once lived in. It’s got a full kitchen and shower and Tom and I would’ve been welcomed there when we were in the jam we were in last year, and always will be, she says. This is very sweet of her, and to say that Tom could work with Mark, but I’d hate that climate and don’t want to be that close to Tammy. We may not be the family underdogs anymore (OMG!) but we’re not the overdogs either. Mark makes damn good money and stays pretty busy with his construction business. Hey, I always said God blesses my perps, didn’t I? And I still think she was in on the let’s-get-Jodi times of the year 2000. She didn’t just have low self-esteem motivating her. She had the anger of being dumped motivating her as well.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2012 Tom was able to get ahold of the park people today and they said they were busy and got backed up in things and are going to process our application today. I still think they’re going to reject us. Meaning that I don’t think they’ll never let us buy a place in their park, but I think they’ll tell us we either have to clean up or establish credit first or both. This can take months.

We’re so frustratingly close yet so far from getting what we want, assuming we really can get any of the nicer parks to accept us. There was a 90s model for just 8K. It was in great condition, had the appliances we want, and was twice as big as this place. We get the impression the owner died and the kids are selling the place cuz the ad said they were even leaving their tools in their shed. We don’t quite have enough saved for this one yet. In a couple of months, we will. Now that Tom’s up I’ll see if he thinks it’s worth calling them and seeing if a deal could be worked out, assuming the park would accept us. Again, it’s not getting a place that could be a real bitch, it’s getting in the damn parks that they’re in! Unless we want to settle for the “sardine” park, and we don’t.

Later…

Nane got to take half the day off cuz they had a rough day at work yesterday. I guess their system was down and all they could do was hang around bored cuz the IT guy was on another job outside of Munich. Wow, if Tom got to take time off every time something went wrong at work, he’d never work! He’s tired as hell cuz of all the OT, but what a check we’re in for!

She asked about the park and how the credit thing works here.

Well, I guess Christiane is ignoring me (typical of the sane and pretty), cuz Tammy did reply. She’s leaving for Florida tomorrow to throw the poodle in the hospice. She’ll be meeting with the attorney to go through the store’s stock, and the pervert will be emptying the condo out and into a truck. Wonder how she feels about that. If it’s shit neither of us wants or could sell for much money, then it doesn’t matter.

While I still have no empathy for Mom, the situation is sad as a whole to think that two people and their lives can dissolve into nothing but a memory in less than a year.

As for the child-woman and old pervie, they both look like shit. And as I told Tammy, I say that because it’s true and not cuz I don’t like them. I would never say someone was dumb or ugly just because I was pissed at them because one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. Smart people and good-looking people piss me off just as much as ugly idiots. Nonetheless, she looks fat and plain and he looks like a criminal. Very scruffy, scraggly, unkempt and sloppy as hell. He wasn’t bad in his younger days, but I can’t believe any woman of any age would find the Larry of today attractive.

The itch to learn another language came over me and I started to study something radically different. Or so I thought. Even though I swore I’d never learn the Arabic language, I decided that since Urdu isn’t nearly as ugly as Arabic, I’d try that. But sure enough, it’s another fucking gender language! Is English the only non-gender bender in the world??? Screw it then.

I asked Tom if he would learn as much of as many languages as he could or if he’d try to perfect just one or two languages, and he said he’d go for the quantity. I can understand some French due to its similarities to other RL languages I’m quite familiar with, so maybe I’ll run through those courses on LM once we move.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2012 So my newest admirer is Kay, who I just added on FB (Kaylyn G). As long as she isn’t batshit crazy (too soon to say for sure yet), she’s not bad at all but there’s no “spark.” You know how you can look at a person and think wow, they’re really beautiful, but that doesn’t mean you’d want to jump in bed with them? Well, she’s just pretty like a flower or a butterfly. You like looking at it but don’t want to do it. She seems to have a nice body and you usually need to be tall to have a nice shape like that, so I’m guessing she’s tall. Hair color’s a bit light, but I like its straightness. Can’t tell eye color, but I doubt it’s brown. Nane’s new competitor that isn’t! LOL

Ok, so she’s not male, not Lori-ugly, and not quite blond. But she is a little contradictory. On FB she says her mother “is her world.” On MO she described her as a physically and emotionally abusive bitch. She told me she prefers women, but “hates girls” on her wall. Maybe she means people her age. She said one of my recent pics with my classic “sunburned” face was beautiful. rolls eyes Okay, this should be flattering coming from an attractive 22-year-old, but I still prefer the older foreign chick. I realize the foreign thing is part of the turn-on. Nothing foreign about PA, though.

I never would’ve believed it if someone told me my online trolls would be crazy chicks instead of perverted guys. Guess it’s the benefit of being over 40. :))) Not saying she’s crazy, though…yet.

Can’t deny that the people you can meet online sure can be interesting. And the best part is that you don’t have to work with or live with any of them you decide you don’t like.

I don’t understand, though. You mean lesbians and bisexuals don’t want a damn thing to do with me when I’m young, skinny and pretty while the older and fatter I get I become “beautiful?” WTF??? I could kinda see Perez and TB cuz they were butches, but there isn’t a damn thing butchy about Nane and Miss Tats and Piercings. Tats are so-so, but I hate piercings that aren’t on the ears.

My message to Tammy is appearing as read on FB, but I don’t know if I trust FB and its little indicators. My last two to Christiane never appeared as read. Even if she didn’t reply, would Christiane ignore my messages? And why would Tammy? Unless something came up, I would think Tammy would’ve replied.

So does this mean she was just late getting back online and isn’t in Florida after all? She said she wasn’t taking her computer down with her, so I guess she’s not with the poodle after all. The poodle is Andy and my new nickname for her.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2012 Getting really sick of these random weeknight outings of Jesse’s. As I know good and well, the barking won’t stop, since it’s dark out, until he returns. Well, that could be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours to the wee hours of the morning. Man, I’m sick of this shit! Getting hit with it on weekend nights is bad enough. So now I can’t even have peace at night during the week some nights?! I don’t understand why no one shoots the fuckers even though they’d only be replaced within days. The people up the hill on the other side of him have to be just as annoyed, right? Or are they doing the same thing and leaving dogs out to bark at any given time? Well, we’re not going anywhere anytime soon, so someone needs to do something. I just don’t want to be the one to have to take responsibility for someone else’s dogs.

Anyway, I feel so bad for Tom yet we’re loving the speed our savings is growing at. They are working the holy shit out of him with killer 12-hour shifts. Again, I don’t know what the hell they bothered adding a second shift for if they’re not going to let them take care of things once 1st shift ends, but not even Mr. Optimistic himself thought we’d ever have money like this. He gets paid biweekly and we can practically pay all our monthly expenses including food and gas with one paycheck and still have money left over! While we seem to be stuck in a serious rut, it’s great not having to plan or budget and things like that.

But this doesn’t change the fact that I have a bad feeling we’re going to be here for a long time to come. He realized before he called the park that they couldn’t send us anything by mail because they don’t have our mailing address. So he called there today, but still couldn’t talk to anyone cuz the phones were down. The person told him that if he had an emergency they’d get ahold of someone, but since it wasn’t, all he can do is call back tomorrow. I find it awfully hard to believe the phones have been out for a whole week, so why can’t they just give us the bad news and let us get on with our lives? It’s kind of rude to keep people hanging like that and if they’re going to be either incompetent or make ridiculous demands of us, I don’t know that I’d want to do business anyway.

Tom says now that we’ve got enough money to make them a real offer, he just has no time to do so cuz he’s always working so damn much. The guy’s barely got time to eat, piss and sleep. I don’t think it matters, though, how much we can offer. The lot the place is on still has to be rented every month. So if they have a problem with those with less than perfect credit as well as no credit, then why would it matter whether we got a place for a grand or a place for 7 grand? Yet he says it does.

We still can’t get that nice of a place, though, no matter how much we can put down or even if we can buy it outright, cuz then we lose our security. If our expenses are more than they are here, then we can’t save as fast. The last thing I want to do is go back to living paycheck-to-paycheck or only be able to save $20 bucks a month. Being able to save $500 - $1000 a month has a way of spoiling you, and I don’t want to give that up by having a nicer place that ties up most of our money. Yeah, I’m tired of old, ugly places. Yeah, I’m tired of being cramped in like a little sardine. But we can’t have our cake and eat it, too. I’d still rather pretty up an older, cheaper place that we know would be at least somewhat bigger than this.

But that’s only if anyone out there will let us. If all the parks keep rejecting us, what do we do then? Stay here or get a place in the mainstream where the barking will not only be worse but we’ll be back having to deal with screaming kids and blasting car stereos as well?

It’s hard to believe the sardine park we liked the least wouldn’t be willing to work with us if we were willing to take a place nearly as small and as dumpy as this one, but that’s just the thing – I’m tired of settling! Whatever’s up there may not like me nearly as much as it liked my parents and I don’t expect to ever live nearly as well as they did, but I think my husband and I deserve a little better for once. No matter how much money we have, we don’t need to keep living like bums.

The cock up the hill left at 8pm. It’s almost 10pm. If the barking is still going on at midnight, then I’ll know it’s not coming back tonight. Damn God above for siccing this shit on me in every single fucking place I’ve lived in since I left the East!

Nane wasn’t ignoring me, just busy. She messaged me yesterday. She’s filling in for a vacationing colleague, then said something about expecting a lot of trades that day.

With all the sexism that still goes on toward women, I’m really surprised most men aren’t gay.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2012 It’s the 18th yet Tammy doesn’t appear to have been online at all today. Could she be in Florida already?

I was mistaken the other day in a previous entry when I said that Ronnie was favored because he was firstborn and male. Male yes, but firstborn, no. The cock’s actually several years younger than his abusive sister who I hope is suffering her ass off now.

I would have to be kidding myself or in serious denial to think that any God up there could possibly care about me in any way. But I’m not about to tell myself what I want to hear or what may sound good. I’m not only not an easy one to brainwash, lie to or bullshit, but I’d rather face the cold hard truth, even if it sucks.

So why is Nane ignoring my messages? I know she was on FB because she “liked” some photos and commented on them, but she doesn’t appear to have picked up my messages. Maybe the “message read” indicator is glitchy or maybe she’s just busy, but I doubt it.

Facebook may actually have a game I just might like for the first time ever. It’s a Bingo game that pays real cash and prizes if you win. What’s cool is that I can set it on auto-play instead of manual-play and let it play for me while I’m writing or whatever. Usually, I avoid their games because there’s nothing to profit from them and I just don’t get them. The games are laid out in a busy, complex sort of way that’s hard to figure out. I’m not even sure I understand how this Bingo game works. There are a lot of extras involved that are confusing. It’s not a simple, straightforward game.

One of their applications has caused me such headaches. They’re not only spamming the hell out of me, but it’s not the companies themselves that are spamming me, so I’ve learned. It’s someone advertising the companies that are making money by paid clicks. I stupidly clicked on the emails to unsubscribe. Then I contacted one of them today and asked why they were still spamming me. According to them, though, my email wasn’t even in their system. That’s when I knew something was up that had nothing to do with the actual companies themselves, and then Tom explained it to me when he came home from another looong 12-hour shift.

Ok, I figured there was a catch to this game. You can only play for money if you have a certain number of Bingo Bucks.

The weather’s slowly cooling down and we’re starting to have chilly nights and warm days.

Tomorrow we’re expecting bad news from the park. When he still hadn’t heard from them he realized they probably sent a letter of rejection and it was waiting for us in the mail. It hit him that they’d be required to tell us to fuck off in writing. Tom will be picking it up tomorrow.

It’s ridiculous to be rejected for a place that would cost less than what we pay here for money we don’t owe. Tom said he’s going to try disputing these scammers that have ruined our credit or maybe even freeze the credit, but the bottom line is the bottom line. You can’t make be what isn’t meant to be. The bastard above certainly can’t agree with what we’re doing or want us to own again. Why would we have lost two places in a row and then spent the last 8 years renting if that wasn’t what was meant to be?

There’s still an option to try to rent this place that’s kind of nice, but the place is even further from work and more than what we pay here. Besides, I still think we’d get rejected for that, too.

Tom assures me that the more our savings builds (and it’s building fast with all the OT) the less our credit will matter. Maybe so, but I still think we’ve got many more months to go here which totally sucks. I really wanted to get out before the daytime temps dipped under the 80s and Jesse came out to beat, bang, bash and rev whatever new motors and other toys he’s probably been itching to get out and build, and before I have to hear every goddamn chainsaw in the area and much, much more barking.

We don’t pay our perps. Period. We were legally forced to do so once, and I vowed never to do it again once I was able to take back my life from the sickos that seized control of it for years. I won’t do it. I won’t pay any scammers just to get ahead. Not by choice and not by any twisted law. I’m not going to be “punished” for trying to get something I want and I’m not going to be told what to do. No one can tell me I have to pay something I don’t agree with, want to pay or owe. Not any cop, not any court, not any civilian, not any scammers!

There’s an even worse possibility and that’s the black bitch in Arizona. The bullshit was supposedly pled down to a misdemeanor but if there’s any way they can find out that the case pertained to a neighbor, then this sick bitch may still be controlling my life even after all these years. We don’t think this is the most likely case, but I swear I’ll go down and kill this brazen, hateful little fuck if it is! I’m sure I wouldn’t have to look hard to find wherever the hell she is. She would gladly die for me if it meant I may go down for life.

Ended up twisting what Alison and I think are probably Molly’s words, and it seems to have scared them off if only for a while. She confirms, once again, that Molly can get online. She may not be able to do it as much and maybe only at set times, but she’s reactivating and deactivating (probably so she can’t be blocked) her FB accounts and has been harassing her, Dustin and Regina. She’s “lonely” and “homesick” and so she wants Aly’s attention.

The group home, which I’m sure is unaware of Molly’s behavior, should never allow their crazies online access. Did they forget what kinds of people they house there when they added the Internet? If she gets to be more of a problem I wonder if they would help me if I contacted them. I highly doubt they’re aware of her online behavior. I doubt they’d help me, though. What could they do? Take her laptop away? Block my sites for her? Then again, if she’s in their custody, then she’s their responsibility, right?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2012 Today’s “question” was: no i meant what i said you deserve all the bad things you get but i do feel sorry for you dear.

But that still makes no sense. If you hate someone enough to feel they deserve bad things, then why would you feel sorry for them? My first thought is that Kim or Molly is behind it or even Molly’s mother. Mrs. M wouldn’t write that poorly, though, with no caps or punctuation. I also realize it could be from some random joker or someone I haven’t considered. Maybe it’s Lisa. Or maybe it’s Alison. Maybe Alison is just as crazy as Kim, though she certainly doesn’t seem to be. Just her job alone says she can’t be that unbalanced or off in any way. The military simply doesn’t deal with the likes of Kim. It’s had some angry, trigger-happy folks at times, but not usually people with MPD.

I deleted the question, but am sorry I did. I thought of a brilliant idea: to twist their words. I’d have to copy it first, then delete it and re-ask the question, but why not add: I hope someone kills you? Maybe that’ll drive them away since they obviously don’t have the guts to say who they are and why they feel so hateful.

My allergies are better today, but they sure drove me crazy yesterday. My nose didn’t run much, but I had random sneezing fits till I finally took a Benadryl.

We were surprised not to hear from the park today. Could this be a good thing? Tom thinks it might be and that they’re waiting for an ok from the individual sellers. If he hasn’t heard from them by Wednesday, he’ll call them. I’m gonna be pissed if they say they misplaced our application or something like that, though it’s better than a rejection. They obviously haven’t called Andy or Jesse cuz they’d have said so if they did. We asked them not to call Jesse till we’ve officially gotten a place because we don’t want him to know we’re moving till we go to give our 30-day notice. Tom still thinks we’re moving this year. I don’t know what to think anymore.

They’ve been running him ragged at work again. What’s the point of implementing a 2nd shift if they’re still going to OT 1st shift so much? He said they’re just stupid. I then suggested he think of transferring to the second shift since I know he prefers it to first. He said he wants to move while on 1st shift because coming in so late may reflect horribly on us with our new neighbors.

But he’s not the only one there who will work and it’s not like he’s going to come in blasting music and honking horns, so I don’t get what he’s worried about. He said most of the people there aren’t going to be working, but so what? His neighbor worshiping really annoys me. We haven’t even gotten and met the new neighbors yet and already he’s putting them before us and worrying too much about what they’ll think or how things will reflect on us. I reminded him that he can’t control people’s minds, thoughts and actions and so he shouldn’t worry about it. Maybe he’ll “reflect” horribly in their eyes cuz he has a shirt the color of dried shit. Anything we say and do could offend someone, somewhere at any time. That’s why I exercise good judgment within reason in my blog, but I’m not going to not write just because someone may take offense to my saying pink is a lovely color. Really, it just seems so stupid and pointless to worry about others so much. We don’t owe them anymore or less than the basic niceties in life we’d give anyone anywhere.

Also, when have we ever had working neighbors? He worries about coming in too late cuz most of them will be retired, yet none of our neighbors worked for the most part. They didn’t work in Phoenix. The renters in back of our Maricopa house and the Mexicans to the side of it were always home. The duplex people were always home in Oregon. The only one that occasionally worked was Kim, the chick next to us in the dumpy house we rented, also in Oregon, and she worked nights. Jesse’s been out of work for the most part, so I find it hard to believe that he’ll suddenly start looking bad in people’s eyes if he worked 2nd or 3rd shift.

I wish he would think of his own health and happiness first. Why use days off to move that could go towards vacations or just vegging out??? To please a neighbor that wouldn’t even hear him anyway as quiet as he is makes no sense at all. I don’t go out of my way to go above and beyond what’s expected of me or to give any extra privileges to anyone I don’t love or care about or that isn’t as good-looking as Nane. Well, no one there is going to look like Nane! If they asked us not to tend to yard work at certain times like Kim did because she slept during the daytime, fine. I can work with someone who politely makes a reasonable request like that. But why assume things and put others first???

It still pisses me off that my parents couldn’t even leave us a few grand, but hey, they just weren’t rich. I don’t doubt, however, that they spent most of their lives very comfortably until the economy went to hell and the medical bills started piling up. I still don’t feel the least bit guilty over resenting them for living high while I went hungry when I first got to Arizona. I really thought I was going to starve to death for a while there!

But we’re far from poor. Tom was looking at RVs and other vehicles just for the hell of it and found many 30’ RVs and cars from the 2000s up that we can easily afford yet still have a savings.

I forgot to say that Andy reminded me that the Middle East includes Israel, so I should be more specific about who I’m talking about. You know, when I say I’m sick of the shit they pull in the Middle East? Well, I ain’t talking about Israel!

I also realize I should be careful not to give people the wrong idea where my friends are concerned when posting old journals no matter how far back in the past it may be. When I first started journaling I wrote for me and me only and in a way that only I understood because I never expected to share them with anyone. I personally don’t give a shit how people perceive me and what conclusions they may come to, real or imaginary, but I realize I should watch what I post about others or at least how it’s worded.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2012 I developed a new system for posting old journal entries. I proofread an entire month at a time and then I can just throw the whole thing online. I’m going through December of 1993 now and in one of the entries for that month, I mention my mother getting a job in an office and her saying she’d prefer not to have to work, and then I remember Tom saying just the other day that no one goes back to work after retirement because they want to. She wasn’t quite 65 yet, but still. The more I think about things and the more I learn, the more I realize that yes, they were upper class for the most part, and yes, they were comfortable as hell most of their lives, but clearly they were never “rich.” I don’t know why some people ever thought they were. Maybe they misunderstood, were falsely informed, or just “felt” they were rich in comparison to themselves.

A year ago today – yeah, it was exactly one year ago today that disaster struck – I’d have looked at the me of today and thought they were rich as hell, too.

Speaking of one year ago today, it’s a rather emotional anniversary of sorts filled with mixed emotions – anger, sadness, thankfulness… I couldn’t stand to read back on much of my journal entries from that time, but oh how I remember those feelings! The anger, the fear, the sadness…

Why us? I kept asking myself this. I’m grateful to have survived, but I still wonder how many more times we’ll be teased about our survival like that. I still believe something up there wanted to kill us while something else saved us in the end. But who/what, and why?

Again, I’m thankful to have not only survived but to have gotten so far ahead so fast despite the horrible memories I’ll have to live with of the stress and the intense emotions that I felt during that time on “death row” as we were for those 10 days or so. Never before had any situation looked so utterly hopeless. I know we can’t live forever, but it seems that no matter what’s going on and no matter what age we are, we always try to fight death whenever it comes too close to us. Instinct simply kicks in and takes over whether we like it or not.

Later…

1993 is all posted now, so here goes 1994. I’ll try to get January on tonight so long as the net doesn’t go out for 5 hours like it did last night.

Someone (Molly? Kim?) said on Ask: you deserve all the bad things you get.i feel really sorry for you.

I told them: You contradicted yourself. You obviously meant to insert the word “don’t” either after the word “you” in the first sentence or after the “i” in the second. Which was it?

I also received quite a compliment from a 22-year-old with a broken heart in Pennsylvania who spent an hour on my blog. She said she found it intriguing, asked how I got started, and said she was going to read it all.

Had a chilling thought earlier. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid, and I still don’t even know that was a real pig that contacted me last January, though I don’t doubt it was connected to the black bitch. But what if they’re waiting for us to get settled in our own place where the Internet is in our own name? That’s what they did last time. Just one week after we finally left the hotels and got settled in Maricopa they were on me. What if the idea is to wait till we get moved, spend most of our savings getting into the new place, and then legally kidnap me when they think I’ll be left with no money for a defense?

I know it sounds paranoid as hell. As soon as they could’ve picked me up, they would have. But I’m not only out of their jurisdiction, I haven’t done anything illegal. At least not illegal enough. The anti-spam policy clearly states one must send thousands of emails to be punishable, not a few dozen.

I still think they altered something I sent either on their own or with the black pig’s help. Probably with his help. Still, I’m up here and they’re down there. And that’s the way it stays!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2012 I’ve decided it’s about time I stop being so damn nice and worry about what others may think of what I say in my blog. After all, I don’t care what they think of me, so why should I worry about what they think of my blog? I have suppressed some of my views on some things, like the human killing machines in the Middle East despite the fact that millions of others have freely expressed theirs, simply because I didn’t want to offend this one or upset that one or whatever. Well, no more! It’s about time I stop being responsible for other people’s feelings because A, they’re not my responsibility. B, no one’s being forced to read this at gunpoint. C, I’m not threatening or harming anyone by expressing myself, nor am I breaking any laws. So, while I may come off as defiant and defensive if anyone so much as dares to think of violating my right to say what I’m going to say, I will sue you senseless. Really, I will be the first thing that comes to mind whenever you’re asked what you regret most in life. Forget about buying a trailer in a park. I’ll be able to buy the whole damn park when I get done with anyone that might try to make trouble for me simply because they can’t handle it or don’t want to hear it or they might feel they’re entitled to seek vengeance because I wasn’t afraid to “accurately rate” them on a particular site once upon a time. What can work in the past doesn’t always work in the future. Especially when that once naïve-to-the-law person ain’t so naïve anymore. Oh no, this one fights back and doesn’t succumb to any stupid traps or bluffs, nor to any lies, false promises or threats cuz she knows they’re all bullshit anyway.

Sometimes it’s best to just cut your losses, admit you can’t always get the last word, and let dead dogs lay. Besides, if you didn’t have a guilty conscience and weren’t guilty of anything you wouldn’t care what I said about you, right? Right? Yeah, you don’t think I knew about you lurking in the shadows as you have been, but I’ve seen your every move within my account. Again I ask the same question I asked years ago, who’s the real stalker? Well, mark my words – you do not scare or intimidate me, and trying to scam and or scare me on behalf of your buddies won’t do you any good either but get you in trouble if it happens again. You really need to grow up, get a life, and get over the past. You were fired with just cause and now it’s time to move on. If sales are where you’re really meant to be in life, why not go with it, make the best of it and stop trying to “resurrect” what can never be again? You had your chance once. You blew it. Now move on. You won for a while there and then you lost. You used and abused your position without a care as to how it may affect others. You took your anger over the past out on others, including me. You made mountains out of molehills. You read things in that weren’t even there. You jumped to false conclusions. You treated little, harmless offenses like it was murder. You helped make a lot of people miserable. The end result: No one feels sorry for you so get over it.

Just wanted to give any potential troublemakers fair warning, though I am probably being unnecessarily defensive in a way that only one who has walked in my shoes could understand. I don’t go out of my way to offend people, but I’m also not so willing to aim to please either. Not in my own blog anyway, that people choose to read on their own. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. All you have to do is respect my beliefs, feelings and opinions, as you would want others to do with you. If you don’t want any trouble, don’t make it for others.

I’m not playing to an audience here. I’m not out to “entertain” anyone. I’m only out to share my experiences in life and the feelings and thoughts that go with them. If anyone happens to find any of it enlightening or funny along the way as a “side effect” to me sharing what I share, fine. It is also fine if someone doesn’t like my saying I’m sick of the shit these crazy, extremists in the middle east have pulled year after year, decade after decade. They really have a way of making other groups that can get rather feisty seem like pussycats. Their latest outburst over a stupid film after we have given and given to them while forfeiting our own has me enraged, ashamed and embarrassed as hell for them. They disgust and sicken me, and no, I don’t feel sorry for the kids there either. Those “innocent” kids are going to grow up to be the same monsters the adults are at the rate they’re going. They are like two-year-olds throwing violent temper tantrums. Why is it that some groups think the way to solve their anger issues or other problems is to riot and take it out on innocent people??? How can they possibly think that’s going to fix things or gain their acceptance? I’ve seen films and other things that have offended me plenty yet I don’t go around destroying property, setting fires and killing people. Oh, and one more thing – if they hate us Americans so damn much then why don’t they get the fuck out of this country?

Slept great on the new mattress. No backaches or anything like that. Just the usual slew of negative/weird dreams. As comfy as the mattress is, it doesn’t have much bounce for a coil spring mattress. It’s a very firm, rock-solid mattress. I’m sure I’d have complained it was too firm back in my skinny days. They’re amazingly quiet, too. Usually, when someone’s moving next to you, you can hear the coils creaking, but not with this thing.

Got a great idea for a night light in one of my dreams. In the dream, I was showing someone a huge screen saver I had that was the size of an average mural. Well, we certainly wouldn’t need one that big since it doesn’t take that much light to see your way around, but I think I may get one of those digital photo frames after the move and keep it in the kitchen or living room. Then instead of leaving the stove light on, we could use that.

I had dreams of Cousin Philip and his phony mother because they were on my mind after talking about them with Tammy.

Then I was in this strange room that was quite cramped. It had a lot of stuff in it. I guess it may’ve been a bedroom of sorts. I was supposed to sleep in the bedroom next to it but wanted to sleep in that one for some reason. I was about to block the light in the window since it was daytime, but as I approached it I saw a few people that seemed to be looking for me. I didn’t want them to see me so I tried to hide under the blanket.

Had a few quick dreams of Nane, but all we did was scream at each other. In one dream she asked to check out my pink iPod and accidentally erased what was on it, so I screamed at her for that. Then she got pissed at me because I forgot to bring over some donuts or cakes I had promised to bring over. I laughed and said I’d remember to poison them first next time and she glared at me for that one. Then she accidentally dropped my iPod and I let her have it for that, too. A split second later I was relaxing in her bed with a rat curled up by my side and she ran into the room screaming for me to “get that fucking thing off her bed!” LOL

I am so pissed off right now. The net’s been out cold for about 5 hours. I just might be ready to settle for a carbon copy of this dump in that cramped park just so I can have decent Internet service!

Maliheh finally picked up my email. But it says she made only 1 view, so does this mean she only opened one of them? Either way, she really hasn’t turned out to be a very good friend. It’s like she’s only a partial friend and a part-time one as well. It’s like she was willing to finally be my friend, but only if she could keep me at a distance by not talking on the phone or adding me on Facebook. Then there are the long silent spells too, though I’d still rather that than be smothered like Marie used to love to do.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2012 I forgot to mention that Tom was telling this new lady at work that we’re looking for a place in a 55+ park. The woman said she couldn’t wait till she was old enough to do that too, which is something she’s wanted to do. The lady asks Tom where we’ve been looking, he tells her, then her eyes light up at the mention of the “cramped” park. Turns out the manager that we talked to there is her brother. She said we should go there and that we’d get a “really good deal” there.

Yes, we would. But that’s because it’s kind of a dumpy park. I mean, it’s well-manicured enough, but the trailers are practically touching each other and many of them are old, rundown dumps much like this. That park would only be for if we couldn’t get anything better but still wanted to own and save money. Those lots are only about $400 a month.

I still worry the nicer park is going to reject our application and that we’ll end up there, but no park is as nice as the Diamond K Estates with all the newer double-wides and garages. None of their places are under 40K, though, and if they are it isn’t very often. We’d have to stay here till he was 60 to save to get in there, thanks to Mommy and Daddy who aren’t going to look out for me in death any more than they usually did in life. We could actually save faster for one of those places in a park that was moderately expensive as opposed to this place. IDK, maybe when he retires, though I won’t count on it.

I spent several hours posting from late October 1993 to early December 1993 since I hadn’t posted old stuff in a few days. I’ve often wondered certain things about the future and people would often respond by suggesting I just let the future take care of itself. I had to laugh at that one when I wondered 20 years ago what would become of my journals. Well, little did I know they’d one day be available for the whole world to see. Not every single word of them, but most of them.

Later…

Tammy called back, although she didn’t leave a message. Deciding it must be important, I returned the call shortly after I got up. She starts off about Mom’s condition and the doctors hopelessly trying to fight it with antibiotics through an IV. I ask her why they’re bothering to fight it if they know it’s hopeless, but it’s supposedly to keep her more comfortable. I guess they also called her asking permission to give her something to help ease her pain and she okayed it. Another classic example of how God goes out of His way to protect His perps and to bless the evil with all kinds of comfort. Had it been me I’d have told the nurse to let the bitch suffer. Besides, aren’t they getting tired of being asked for beer and dates with the hairstylist?

The sooner the bitch is cremated, the sooner we can seek closure of sorts and get on with our lives. She says there’ll be a small memorial and that she’ll give a eulogy like she did with Dad. Even though they won’t be buried, both will have gravestones side by side. Poor Tammy still has to deal with what goes in the newspaper and clearing out the rest of the condo and shit like that.

I’d tell the paper she was a child abuser, throw her body in the ocean, and then pocket the money the cremation would’ve cost.

Anyway, she goes on about her health and I eventually stopped her and said, “With all due respect, sis, I just don’t give a damn. I really don’t.” At the same time, I do appreciate her keeping me up to date with things in general.

Andy said Judy said they had a prized art collection worth a lot of money, but it was news to Tammy when I asked her about it. She agreed it would be wonderful if they did, though. If they ever had such a thing it’s long gone. I never saw anything like it the two times I visited them in Florida in 1988 and 1990.

I told her the rumor was that she inherited a fortune from Nana and Pa and she said that’s not true and that it was Ronnie that actually got most of it. Ronnie was the favorite, and I know for a fact he inherited their exterminating business. I don’t doubt for a minute that Nana and Pa favored Ronnie. The firstborn tends to be favored anyway, especially if they’re males. She got enough money to get down to Florida, plus there was money from the house in MA that sold for something like 180K, but that was pretty much it.

Also, I was always under the impression that Medicare paid most of their medical bills, but apparently, that’s not so. She’s seen the many medical bills Dad left behind.

I didn’t know what to think at first, but everything she’s said so far has checked out so I don’t think she’s being dishonest in any way because we’re able to verify most of it online.

Tom said he doesn’t think my folks meant to lie or lead me on about an inheritance and that more than likely they were just naïve. Meaning, they couldn’t have had any way of knowing that the economy would devalue so many things like it has and that they’d have so many medical bills. I will be the first to admit my folk’s abuse didn’t usually involve lies, but it’s still a huge letdown. I’m sick of being teased with money! But I knew deep down since 2007 when other things fell through that God would see to it that we never received much more than 10K at once. If we’re still meant to be poor most of our lives, even though that’s looking less likely by the minute, He’s not going to let us have big bucks. Anything “big” is going to be what we work for and save, if we don’t win it or end up suing someone for some reason.

As we both agreed, we never liked our uncles. Both of them were just aggressive bastards who didn’t give a shit about anyone but themselves (one is dead). Except for cousin Philip back when I lived in Springfield, our aunts, uncles and cousins have never given a shit about us. Speaking of Philip, he’s living with Ruth in Florida. I was surprised to hear this. Isn’t he around 50 these days? I am a bit disappointed, though, that he never tried to look me up, but oh well. I’m used to the “family” not caring for the most part. I’ve only seen my mother twice since 1990. Once was in South Deerfield in 1991, and the last time when she and Dad drove to Phoenix in 1997 since mom has a fear of flying.

I was wrong in saying she saw Norma. She actually called her. I guess she and Mom were close for a while. She didn’t hate my mother but she hated what she’d done. She even tried talking to her. rolls eyes Look what good it did. But as most of us know, you can’t “talk” someone into being a better mother. Just like you can’t tell yourselves or others what to think, feel and believe, you can’t make a better mom with words. People can be influenced by others, but only they can change themselves. I don’t hate God because someone told me to. It was my experiences and seeing things like tsunamis instantly wipe out thousands of lives that influenced and honed my hate, along with events such as a 13-year-old rape victim in the middle east that ends up stoned to death while her rapist goes free.

She asked if I wanted anything from the condo, but again, her clothes and shoes are too big for me, we’re set on kitchen stuff, and so there’s not really anything we could use. She did say she’d send some knickknacks. I said that was fine, but not to worry about it. She knows I like bright colors, particularly pink and purple and modern things instead of antiques and earth tones. Sheets and towels are always nice too, but only if they’re in mint condition.

I didn’t think to ask what would become of her wedding ring or what became of Dad’s, but if she kept them, fine. Unlike most women, I was never big on things like jewels, furs and trips to the salon. My hair probably won’t see a pair of scissors till I’m 50 anyway.

Later…

Tom stopped at the mail place and Burger King after getting off work after 10 hours instead of 12. The fries were ok, but the chicken strips were a bit peppery. I couldn’t eat it all anyway since I’d had some clam chowder before he arrived, not knowing he was stopping for fast food on the way home.

No calls from the park and no letter from the attorney, but the new mattress is here. After I did some things I needed to do, it was so nice to relax on it after sitting at the computer for hours. It’s amazing that they can roll a 13” thick mattress into such a small duffle bag. It was a bit of a struggle getting it out of the bag, but once we did and cut the plastic seal, it started hissing as it began sucking in air. It was neat seeing it expand in just seconds, though it says it can take up to 48 hours to fully expand. It’s the perfect height for the headboard shelves because there isn’t enough of a gap for pillows to slip under it. I may still live in a trashy trailer but I sure as hell don’t have a trashy bed anymore! The mattress is firm enough to give me the support I need but doesn’t leave me feeling like I might as well be sleeping on the floor. The surface of the mattress isn’t too slippery so sheets should hold in place well and not slip and bunch beneath me.

Tammy’s youngest daughter turned 22 today. She asked about my doll collection and what I got for the ones I sold. I guess Becky’s really into the Twilight series (I’ve never seen or read any of it) and she and Sarah have gotten a lot of stuff on eBay. I told her to tell them to be careful of eBay and all the scams they’ve got going on and that they’re better off with Amazon.

Someone (Adonis?) said they didn’t get how I wouldn’t miss my mom. Yeah, I suppose if I had a loving mother I too, wouldn’t get how anyone could say they wouldn’t miss their mom. A part of me wishes I could be all emotional and balling my eyes out with tears of sadness over her impending doom and that I had this loving mother I would miss like crazy, but just like I’m determined not to let people’s precious little eggshell-like feelings stop me from expressing myself over things like the muzzies in the middle east, I’m not going to lie, play down or sugar coat my mom either. The woman was just plain mean, period. She was evil, negative, selfish, domineering, controlling and even scary till I was around 12. No doubt about it! So even if I wanted to shed a tear when she goes belly-up and even if I wanted to miss her, I couldn’t if I tried.

My one and only funny memory of the bitch was when I was quite young, like somewhere in grade school. One day we were getting ready to go somewhere. She put on her bra, she put on her underwear, and then she put on her shirt. Next she goes and does her makeup. Then she slips her shoes on, picks up her purse and declares herself ready. That’s when I burst out laughing. Yeah, the dipshit forgot to put her damn pants on!

I finally started having mobile home dreams which I’m hoping means we’re getting closer as the lack of dreams has pretty much been a sign that we weren’t close enough. I always “see” things in dreams right before we find a new place. In one dream I was admiring one with shutters outside the 4 or 5 windows that ran along one side and how they alternated in colors of pink and red. Only problem was that the place wasn’t in a park. It was in the woods.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2012 Forgiveness may take away an abuser’s power over us, as many believe, but forgiveness is also not a conscious choice. I couldn’t forgive my mom if I wanted to. Our emotions and beliefs aren’t something we can simply pick and choose at will. Wouldn’t life be grand if they were?!

Meanwhile, I didn’t disclose in public much detail on abuse suffered by siblings or other people because I figured it wasn’t my place to do so.

Woke up to two things that put a smile on my face. A message from Nane and a voice message from Tammy basically letting me know that Mom now has a foot in the grave. She didn’t use those exact words but is going to be making arrangements to fly back down to Florida. I didn’t call her back only because I didn’t think it was necessary, though I appreciate her keeping me up to date.

The woman who ate lobster and other gourmet foods on a regular basis while her daughter struggled to make her food stamps last so she could eat cheap, fattening crap is on her way out of this world. Coincidently it’s right after the “influencer” went on an emotional rampage and mentally beat the crap out of her.

I am both thrilled and worried about her upcoming date with death. I’m thrilled for obvious reasons and I hope to hell she suffers miserably in the end as well as in the afterlife if there is one. But I also wonder – could she and would she make my life hell from the afterlife? Well, I don’t know if she could, but I suppose that if she had no problem shitting on me in this life, why not the afterlife? And if God thought it was quite ok here, why not there?

I don’t know what I feel more for my sister, sorry for her or grateful to her. I’m so sorry she has to disrupt her life yet again on top of her health problems and go down and deal with more of this evil bitch’s shit, but I’m grateful as hell to her that she is because I could never do it myself if I lived down the street.

As I told her, to each their own, but I’m not a do-right-by-God kind of person. I do right by my husband and cleaning up after my abuser just wouldn’t sit right with me.

For as long as I remember BOTH mom and dad have assured me I’d get a sizeable inheritance. It’s the least they could’ve done for their abuse. But mom just had to overspend while dad just had to give in to her every whim, and now, even though we’re doing very well indeed, we don’t get shit. But whether or not we’re poor as can be or just ok or rich as hell isn’t the point. It’s being lied to and not getting any form of “compensation” from those that have burned me that really pisses the shit out of me.

There’s also no saying what I’d do to Larry if I were there and he stepped out of line. As it is I suggested Tammy not go to the bitch’s place to clear it out (I thought it was already empty but apparently not) without the attorney present in case he tries to attack her. She has medical problems that don’t exactly leave her in very good shape, and since the police care more about what people say than what they actually do, they probably wouldn’t arrest his ass if it did go a little whacko on her, and would “justify” it by excusing his behavior on account of his state of mind over losing his mother.

Enough family drama. Although Tom’s doing OT like crazy and making us richer by the minute even though we may not feel it living in a trashy old trailer, I’m worried that we’re going to be stuck here for many more months to come while our lovely God throws even more curveballs at us to keep us from owning again. When he was dropping off our park application he overheard Sandy, the woman, he spoke to, tell someone on the phone that they couldn’t be flexible with those with no credit. We chose not to bother with credit years ago. We could establish credit if we had to, but that would take months.

The barking that’s usually reserved for weekends was an issue last night, but the Jes pest didn’t stay out overnight. Still, I wish he would just stay the fuck home so I don’t have to throw on sound machines to deal with it! All my other neighbors I wished to hell would go out more often. This one needs to stick around more often.

Later…

Accidentally “ran into” Donna’s equally evil sister Margaret. Facebook always shows people it thinks you may know, and since she was affiliated with VH, up her profile popped. I sent her a message letting her know I was glad to see she wasn’t working with kids these days and took her on a little trip down Memory Lane with the way her dear sister ostracized me and made me feel ashamed for jumping and almost sorry I didn’t do more than just bust an arm.

She reacted by blocking me. I noticed this when her profile pic was no longer visible within the list of those I’d messaged. No reply, not even any visit to my blog that I know of, she just put me out of sight and out of mind, LOL.

I also noticed that Maliheh’s profile pic changed yesterday so she’s definitely alive. I just don’t get her at times. Again, I don’t want to chat with her or anyone else every single day, but why the long absences?

Is she disabling cookies when picking up my email, or has she just not checked them in that long? It does seem kind of odd to think she’d go this long without reading my messages. I thought she once said that she reads them every few days.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2012 What’s up with Nane? She hasn’t picked up my FB messages, but she was on my blog. I know she was on FB, though, since she “liked” some pictures someone posted. It could be a glitch in the notification system, but why do I get the feeling that she didn’t want to pick up my messages because she knew I would know it if she did? Yet she doesn’t know I know if she goes to my blog. This suggests she may have a problem with my rage toward my mother, but doesn’t want me to know it, and may figure that the best way to try to hide it is to not pick up my messages. Yet she’s still curious, so she goes to my blog?

Well, I hope she’s just busy and that my not hearing from her has nothing to do with the torrent of emotions that have been going through me on account of my mother. I know she can’t possibly relate to or understand since she seems to come from a very close, loving family, but still.

Sometimes, however, people are quick to shower you with all kinds of comments and messages when you’ve got good news to share. Get sad, mad or emotional about something that’s not good and ironically people seem to disappear. Some of them anyway, and then I’m left to wonder why. Are they really just busy or is it a coincidence? Are they just too weak to handle someone else’s emotions or tough times? Are they simply at a loss for words and just don’t know what to do or say? I wonder about these things at times. And it’s always, always those who are considered less attractive that seem to be around the most. Again I have to wonder, is this odd coincidence NOT a coincidence? Or am I just imagining it?

Nane once told me that she works hard for her money and that she doesn’t feel the least bit guilty or ashamed for it. She shouldn’t! She should be proud of herself. Well, just like she’s not the least bit ashamed or guilty for doing well in life, I’m not the least bit ashamed or guilty for how I feel about my mother (and some other family members) and I’m not about to let anyone tell me I’m wrong for it or sit in judgment of me, not that they have. I have a right to my emotions and I accept them as they are. If there are others, however, who can’t accept them as they are, that’s their problem. I don’t need, want or expect anyone’s approval about anything I think, do, feel or say.

Yes, it’s ironic that some people “happen” to not be around when we’re feeling down and could use more support from friends even if it’s just to say, “Hi, how are you? I hope you’re feeling better.” But until and if I hear otherwise, I know I shouldn’t jump the gun and assume the worst. Some people are just plain busy and we can’t expect to hear from them every day no matter what’s going on in our lives.

Now, onto more important things than why some people seem to disappear at certain times. The realtor blew us off completely. So I’m guessing that cheap doublewide either sold, something’s trying to stop us from getting a place, or we’re just meant to be in that other park. The one we completed and submitted our eligibility application to.

My allergies have been going crazy ever since I took back the old mattress and threw the plain foam topper on. Am I allergic to foam or something?

Despite the anger I’ve been experiencing over Mom’s shit, I kind of had to laugh when Tammy said she wasn’t sure which were journals as opposed to stories. I told her, though, that it would be pretty obvious. I don’t usually mix stories with reality, but if I do it would say Chapter Whatever and contain a lot of quotes, which represent dialogue.

She took the evil witch’s dog up to CT. Poor mutt. I may not be a dog fan but I know they have feelings, too. It must be quite a change for it to live half its life in a warm climate with an older couple in a condo, then to end up in a cold climate with a younger couple that has another dog and lives on 3 acres of land.

Anyway, it’s Aly I’m more worried about. I may be pissed as hell after learning some things I learned, but I’m still doing ok. She isn’t.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2012 Ok, continuing on with the family drama…by the time I was born, I already had enough reason to hate God. I was born without an ear, hard of hearing, with asthma and allergies, and to the wrong mother. I know there are worse mothers, but mine was bad enough. Then I grew up to have one dream after another denied to me. Those dreams faded with time and were no longer dreams in the end, but the point is still the same, I was denied the right to make this decision myself before they lost their appeal. Then I get shit on by life and the people in it while they basically get rewarded for it. What do I have to do to get some respect, kindness and rewards of my own from God? Go out and get a gun and pop some poor, innocent unsuspecting fucker in the face?

Tammy said that the lawyer, a guy named Walter, said he didn’t think there would be any money and would be sending me a letter stating what Tammy already told me, though Tammy said she thought I’d get her share. I already know I’m not getting shit. Meanwhile, I hope Jennifer enjoys what isn’t rightfully hers, and all the shit mom gave Larry and his child-woman which I have a feeling was much, much more than they’ve given me in the last 20 years. Tammy admits she has no idea what she gave them, but does know she gave them some dishes and silverware since they didn’t even have that much when they moved to Florida.

A few grand. Just a few lousy fucking grand! That’s all I wanted. How can any “good” God deny me even just that much on top of everything else? He has denied me so, so much in life. Why was that too much to ask for, and why does karma forget so many people? Nursing homes tend to be abusive. I’d like to think the bastard would at least see to it that her life is hell there as well as in the afterlife, but I’m sure He’s got her demented enough to think she’s in heaven. Tammy says she’s out of it a good 80% of the time. I told her to tell Mom to go fuck herself, but with my shit luck “go fuck yourself” would probably mean “you look lovely today” in the bitch’s twisted mind. All she obsesses about is beer and getting her hair done. Demented or not, that’s all she cares about. I have no desire to ever speak to her again and I hope her final moments are hell on earth and that she burns in hell!

Tammy sees things differently. She said she’ll never forgive Mom, but feels she did right by God by helping her out. Again, how can she feel she’s doing right by a being that let it all happen??? Shouldn’t she do right by herself and forget about God?

Anyway, I tried to calm Tammy, who’s sick of Larry’s shit, and remind her that once the bitch is dead, she won’t have any reason to have to associate with the pervert. I guess the pervie called her up and cussed her out for not letting him know Mom was in the hospital right away. When he was done she told him she hadn’t called yet cuz she didn’t know what the hell was going on. It was just some minor thing she was soon released for. I guess it was pain due to the stroke, but I really don’t give a damn what it was. That woman could never be in enough pain for me. Nonetheless, even the staff told him not to call the nursing home since all he does is cuss them out.

When Tammy was down in Florida she had some talks with Norma. Norma was always a good person even though I seldom saw her except for one time she upset me by telling others I was pranking her. Apparently, someone was pranking her and it was automatically assumed that it was me because of my reputation for doing that sort of thing. Then Andy had upset me further at the time when he wouldn’t believe that it wasn’t me, despite the fact that I had no problem admitting to every other call I’d ever made. He had some serious trust issues, but I know he has worked on that quite a bit. Everybody has their faults. Life isn’t about being perfect. It’s about doing something about those faults and trying not to make the same mistakes.

I still feel bad for dumping him for a decade. Oh, I still respect myself enough to rid myself of those who are rude, mean, or abusive to me, but Andy definitely didn’t deserve what he got. As long as I’m not fighting every week with someone and as long as no one’s trying to judge or control me, there’s no reason not to be friends with them as long as they don’t get pushy or obsessive.

I always liked Norma. My calling list usually consisted of those I disliked or strangers, so I had no reason to pick on Norma. That’s beside the point, though. The point is that she and Tammy had some talks and even Norma agreed mom was anything but a loving mother. She was into playing favorites, too. Where she favored Lisa when it came to her grandkids, she favored Larry when it came to her kids. I always used to say I got it the worst because I was the one who ended up a ward of the state and sent away, but I don’t know about that. I think Tammy and I both had it the worst but in different ways. She told me some things about Mom that I didn’t even know, and I don’t see why she’d lie about this. Seems mom got a little more physical than I realized she was capable of being. She not only loved to tell her she never wanted kids (I’ve heard this before too, and don’t understand why the hell she had 3 if she knew she didn’t even want 1), but she pushed her down the stairs one time and broke her leg. Nana had to bring her to the hospital the next day. She also backhanded her one day and her ring cut into the area above Tammy’s eyebrow and she needed stitches.

I got slapped around too, but maybe I didn’t get it as bad as she did because mom felt bad for my medical conditions and because I was so small. At 4 I looked like a 2-year-old. At 14 people thought I was 9. This stopped, though, once I was able to fight back. She was definitely much more abusive towards me in my preteens.

Tammy also said she told the school guidance counselor what was going on in hopes that they would keep what she told them confidential and help her somehow. Instead, she was called back to the office a while later, and guess who was sitting there?

I totally believe this because I had a similar experience. For some reason, I was afraid to go home one day (probably because I had to wake Mom up to find the outfit she wanted me to wear that day that she forgot to lay out for me the night before). The teacher asked why I was afraid to go home. I told her because I was afraid mom would hit me. Her brilliant solution to that was to have a little boy walk me home who lived nearby. Did she really think this 7 or 8-year-old boy could protect me against the wrath of a full-grown woman?

So he walks me home and we get to our street. I then tell him it’d be best to take off, but he refuses. My mother opens the door, eyeing him suspiciously. Why is her no-good daughter being escorted home by a boy? OMG, a boy! The fucking kid then goes, “The teacher asked me to walk Jodi home because Jodi said she was afraid you would hit her.” All I remember after that was cowering in the corner of the kitchen as my mother went to hit me.

The next day the boy laughed at me in school and gloated, “I saw your mother hit you.”

God protected that boy that day by not having me be willing or able to react as I am perfectly willing and able to react today.

Anyway, thank you, Mom, for the years of wonderful memories. You screwed me in life and soon you’ll screw me in death, too. Oh, and thank you too, God, for sitting back and watching it all happen. Yeah, you little bastard, you could knock an ear off me, you could deny me this, deny me that and let all kinds of assholes shit on me, but you can’t keep Tom from loving me or us from going home. And you know what else? You are NOT going to take this home away from us too, once we get there!

So like I said, I appreciate Tammy listening to me and letting me pour it all out without judging me. She never tried to say I was wrong for feeling how I feel and she never tried to change me. She also said that she hopes that next time we’re ever in need I’ll pick up the phone and call her for help. That’s sweet of her too, though no one I knew could’ve helped us if they’d wanted to had Tom not gotten a job in the nick of time. A few hundred dollars wouldn’t have saved us. The best she could’ve done was fly us to her and hold us up till we got on our feet. Just knowing she would do that for us if need be, though, is really nice. They say you learn who your true friends and family are if you ever do need food and shelter and things like that till you can make it on your own, and you know what? Tom and I intend to never have to find out if our guesses as to who’s true and who’s not are correct! That’s why we’re doing the opposite of what my parents did and are being smarter with money while we’re still young enough. I used to be bad with money too, though I wouldn’t have put our kids secondary to my spending habits if we’d had any. But still, I was a big spender for a while and that’s part of why we spend so much time broke. We weren’t “poor” until we came here. We actually did quite well through most of our marriage; it’s just that we were dumb enough to get an expensive house that sucked every last dime out of us so we couldn’t save, and what we did save I spent on needless shit like dolls. I’m not saying I’ll never buy anything for fun again, but still, I was a Dureen, if not nearly to the degree, and he was a softie like Dad who gave in to what I wanted.

If there was any good to come of the economic disaster we went through, it was that we learned to save while we can. Never again will we live paycheck to paycheck. We’re not only saving for a rainy day but saving for a thunderously stormy day as well. By buying a place outright, old dump or not, and by lowering our monthly expenses, we could save on unemployment if he were laid off again. Then after we get the renovations done all on our own like we’re going to have to, we’ll start plowing money into the 401K big time.

Do I think God will screw us some other way if He can’t get us financially? Yeah, He might. He’ll probably go after our health, but we’ll see. Maybe if we rise up enough to beat Him at His own game and show Him we refuse to lay down and be His underdogs and His little whipping boys, He’ll respect us enough to at least back off and leave us alone. Except for this shit with the will, He’s been pretty good to us this last year.

Andy’s been kind enough to be a reference for us. The park wanted two references, so we’re using him and his coworker Pam who lives there. I’m sure Tammy wouldn’t mind if we needed another one, but I doubt they’d want someone in Germany where Nane is, LOL.

Speaking of Germany, I’m not sure I like how a certain person there has basically ignored me since I told her what’s going on. I hope she’s just busy cuz I feel like I’m getting the same silent treatment I got when I shared our crisis with her a year ago. It makes me wonder if she’s one of those who can’t handle someone’s troubles or maybe doesn’t even want to. Same with Christiane. Oh, but I was quick to hear from Irene. Again, it’s always, always the ugly ones that care the most.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2012 I type faster than a bullet yet I don’t know if my fingers can keep up with my brain as there are so many thoughts and emotions running through me right now. I will try to put to print all the details I can, but will only share this entry with the few people I’m closest to, though I may publish some of it. There’s a lot of sadness and anger in this entry and it’s anything but positive, so I’ll understand if anyone doesn’t want to read it or may just want to skim it. It could be a long one either way. It’s been a frustrating day turned emotional.

I can tell you right now, though, that I’m a firm believer in what an old therapist once told me and that’s that there is no right or wrong emotion. So I’m not about to feel guilty or ashamed for the ill feelings I have towards my mother and some others. I have always believed that if one can respect oneself enough to walk away from abusive people who aren’t related to them, one can and should do the same with abusive people who are related to them. Just because she gave birth to me doesn’t make her abuse ok. It is no ticket to tolerance as far as I’m concerned. I am not obligated to stick around and pretend I care or that I have any respect or love for the woman because I don’t. Sometimes I wish bad things upon her, but I am mostly numb with indifference. I sure wasn’t today, though. Despite all the shit my mother has put me through I’ve never wanted to harm her in any way. I mean physically. Today, however, after I got off the phone with Tammy I knew that if I suddenly appeared before her in the nursing home she’s in I’d have throttled the bitch from 80% demented to a perfect 100%.

My rage isn’t just about what she and others have done to me, it’s about them getting away with it time and time again.

“She’ll never do a day in jail for what she did to us!” I raged at Tom. “She’ll never know a day of poverty. I was vindicated in the end, but still, the black welfare bums and their pig pal will never pay for setting me up.”

“The welfare bums are still welfare bums,” Tom tried to assure me.

“But she works for the city! You know she started doing that right before she moved. City workers make big bucks.”

“Not anymore. If you still have your job with the city it’s because you accepted huge pay cuts.”

Maybe so, but none of this is good enough. God has always ALWAYS protected my perps. I don’t think, but I KNOW that if I were murdered He would not only protect my killer from the law, but He would probably also go so far as to make sure they had a pretty decent life, too. Knowing this is pretty damn scary because that’s something that takes a lot of hate. A LOT of hate. On the other hand, Tom would take care of them if he knew where they were. Still, people get compensated in court all the time for the dumbest of things, but it looks like I’m not going to get shit in the way of compensation from my abusers, thanks to their stupidity. Many think that seeking compensation be it legal or not is wrong. They also think that revenge is revenge even if it’s done through the courts by having a perp charged, convicted and sentenced.

But if people aren’t made to pay for their actions, isn’t that like saying it’s ok? The bitch is never going to pay in jail time or any other way for abusing us. Therefore, a little money would’ve helped. It wouldn’t have changed or undone the past, but it would’ve helped. I don’t expect those who haven’t been abused to get this, but regardless, it’s how I feel. Something up there felt I didn’t deserve to be born to a loving mother, so the least it could’ve done was let us have a few grand to help jump-start renovations on our new home which isn’t going to be very “new.” People say she’ll pay in the afterlife, but we can’t know that. That could be pure wishful thinking for all we know.

I’ve learned that the bad guys aren’t always the bad guys and the smart guys aren’t always the smart guys. I’ve been old enough long enough to know my parents weren’t these strong, perfect people we often see them to be as kids. I know they have their weaknesses. I know they’ve made mistakes. But it seems I didn’t quite realize the extent of it till now. Or maybe I had some idea but I just didn’t get it. I’m not good with numbers. I have always been as bad with numbers as I am good with writing and learning languages.

One day I realized I had achieved fluency, though not perfect fluency, in Spanish. I now knew three languages. But that wasn’t enough. Three languages just weren’t enough. So I kept studying languages and writing stories but I never bothered with going beyond basic math abilities and even my “basics” are shaky. Nane explained her job to me and I didn’t get it. I just didn’t get it. I told Tom what she said and he explained it to me. I still didn’t get it. For all I know a presentation is me presenting what’s left of my doll collection for one to see. A performance is something I see on YouTube. Funds are something my twisted country gives too much of to other countries because it refuses to take care of its own. That’s all I know.

Tom always said not to defend, excuse or play down the situation, but my parents’ money is theirs to do as they please with, and that we should appreciate the help they gave us when we needed it in 2007 and see consider anything else as just an appreciated bonus.

If they hadn’t been such shitty parents, then maybe I could see it that way, but it’s not that easy.

So many people believe there’s a good God out there, but I have believed – no, I’ve known – that there is something up there that has hated me for the most part. It hasn’t shortchanged me when it came to true love and good friends, but it’s had it in for me in almost every other way imaginable.

Before we left Oregon we had two huge letdowns from two different potential moneymaking sources. I won’t get into what they were, but that’s when reality hit me. It was winter of 2007 and that’s when I realized that “God” or whatever’s up there would see to it that we never had much money and may even fight to keep us struggling most of our lives.

Then his pitiful excuse of a mother disowned us for daring to ask for help after we helped her and lost thousands of dollars to her that she promised to repay but never did. When I thought of those two lost opportunities and then realized that we wouldn’t get an inheritance from either of our parents (although at the time I thought we wouldn’t get anything from my folks because we weren’t talking), this was when I lost any last doubts that something was out to curse us financially just as much as it had with neighbors and other things.

Sure enough, half a year later we moved down to Cali to better our lives in a place we thought had more opportunity. Then the economy collapsed. I don’t have to be a financial genius to know it will never get better. It’s too far gone to ever make much of a comeback. It must be torn down and rebuilt from scratch to be “repaired,” but this is never going to happen because people are just too stupid to know any better. Or to at least do what needs to be done instead of just talking about it.

I’ve been back in touch with my parents since 2007 after a 10-year quiet spell brought on by shit they pulled that I won’t bother to get into. Andy is the only one I regret dumping, but I’m getting off-topic. Well, I never would’ve been back in touch with them if it weren’t for our moment of desperation back when we were in motels. We’d spent 36 hours on the streets and then pawned and sold some stuff to get a room for the night. Tom was in a real Catch-22. He couldn’t go to work because he had to spend time selling things. So we were losing money while trying to make it. We lived like real bums as if we were lazy, drug-dependent people who didn’t give a shit. I hated God above with a passion and I still do. We were genuine bums while some others lived high off the hog simply for breathing. It isn’t those who work hard and gets what they deserve I have a problem with, as I said in a previous entry, it’s those who work hard that DON’T get what they deserve that really pisses the shit out of me. But the point is that that’s the only reason I reached out to them at the time. Hell, I’d have reached out to Jeffrey Dahmer had he been our only option! At the time I thought they were still doing ok since they overnighted $450 to us, plus paid for a couple of nights at the hotel. Even so, a sudden thought hit me later on down the road – that God would make sure to screw me out of my inheritance some other way.

Through online research and other things, we’ve come to suspect that their money dwindled the older they got. For one, mom was always a high spender. It was always more important to her that her fucking mutts had bows in their ears as opposed to her kids having enough to eat. Between the constant spending, the economy collapsing, and their acquiring more medical problems with age, I suspected they were going broke.

“I tried to tell you this, sweetie,” Tom said to me. “No one their age works just to keep active. They work because they need the money, only they would have hidden the fact that they were going broke.”

That’s true, too. That’s definitely something they would’ve tried to hide from people. It’s not like they’d be quick to brag and say, “Hey, we once inherited a ton of money, but we weren’t the least bit smart about our money and so we blew it all and left nothing for our kids. At least not the ones that deserve it most.” Dad did, however, say the economy got them down so bad they couldn’t even save, and what they did save had to go to medical expenses. Still, when I learned that Jennifer (Larry’s 30-year-old daughter) is to be getting money as well as a valuable chest mom’s parents had while I may not get shit, that made me want to strangle the bitch like never before! This estranged granddaughter of hers who doesn’t even know she exists, much less give a damn about her, is going to get what should be mine. Tammy said she doesn’t want her fucking money, but I’m just the opposite. I want to milk the bitch for every cent I can. Why not, people do this to people in court for a helluva lot less than what my mother’s done to us over the years. Jennifer, on the other hand, appears to have a full-fledged nursing career. Well, guess what folks? I don’t have any career. Our lovely God has seen to it that I not only can’t work but also can’t collect disability either. So once again Jodi gets the short end of the stick. She doesn’t get what she deserves while someone else gets what they don’t deserve. Thank you, God. Thank you so much for caring about me.

Tammy initially asked me what I wanted from the house, but as I told her, Mom and Dad’s material things don’t interest me. All I wanted was money to help with the upcoming move and I thought we’d get at least a few grand. Had I known exactly what Jennifer was going to take and that we’d be fucked out of money, I’d have asked Tammy to try to get it to me before she could get it and then I’d have sold it. Tammy said she went through the place looking for things of value but there wasn’t much of anything. The only other thing of value is their vehicle but that has to go to pay off their fucking debts which I’ll get to soon enough.

This is why I was furious to learn Larry had knocked his child-woman up. Tom had asked what I could possibly have against this unborn child and that it doesn’t matter how many grandkids one has since it’s just the kids that inherit, but not in my family. When I remembered how my mom’s parents gave each of their 5 grandkids 2K, I figured she would give to her grandkids as well. Well, even if the bastard’s born to a 21-year-old welfare bum with daddy issues, it still counts as a grandkid. If the fucking pervert had just waited till the bitch was dead, then he could knock up the whole damn world for all I care. So not only has God helped ensure me no compensation, He “replaced” the son the pervert killed in 1995 with his carelessness. As I always said, God killed the wrong Larry that night.

I didn’t realize just how careless and downright dumb both my parents were either, her with her overspending and warped priorities, him with his being too soft and not having a backbone of his own. It’s very common with Jewish couples for the woman to wear the pants. He did whatever she wanted. He stood by her no matter what. That’s my only complaint about my otherwise cool, easygoing dad. He just wouldn’t put his foot down. When she got abusive he looked the other way, not that he was totally exempt from the abuse himself. Oh, he could say some nasty things at times, and he had a way with his belt when he got pissed enough. But still, there was no comparison between him and her. I don’t think, but I know that had she killed one of us he would have stayed with her just the same AND the bastard above would have protected her and made sure she never did 5 minutes in jail.

Things were the same with her own parents. Jack wore the leash and Shirley controlled that leash. When Shirley told Jack to jump, Jack jumped.

“Jack, don’t breathe!”

Jack didn’t breathe.

The plan was to dump Tammy as soon as they both died and we got whatever may be coming to us, but now I’m not so sure that’s necessary. There is a connection between two sisters who were abused and I’m not so sure the enemy really is the enemy anymore. She still swears it was Bill and Bill only who called the pigs when I threatened him for his treatment of her and Lisa, but she did admit to and apologize for other things. I had feared she would try to burn me again because she can be more spiteful and vengeful than I used to be once upon a time. I know she’s just itching to report Larry’s child-woman to the Massachusetts Welfare office for living with the baby’s working father in Florida. But I think she has gotten above and beyond some of the things she used to do, and I wouldn’t be dumb enough to give her ammunition to use against me by doing the kinds of things I used to do, like threaten cocks like Bill. I’m either going to just do it or keep such threats to myself.

I just didn’t get her for a while there. I’d slap the shit out of any man that was as rude and disrespectful to me as Bill and others were to her. But as she said, that was all she knew for so long. Tammy’s 8 years older than me and Larry’s just 3 years older than her. When she was alone with him, he’d be like mom and kick her around. I know it’s common for a lot of women who were abused as kids to seek out abusive men or to become abusive themselves by beating their husbands, boyfriends and kids. That’s how Paula is. If she has a hard day, she takes it out on whatever guy she’s with whether she’s PMSing or not. Some of it is still the guy’s fault, too. They provoke women either thinking they can’t or won’t fight back, though we rarely hear about abused men because they are often ashamed and embarrassed to admit they took one from a woman. It is still believed that bigger is always stronger, regardless of physical fitness and state of mind.

Anyway, she admitted that sending Tom that letter in defense of her abuser was wrong and that it was on account of her low self-esteem. She swears she knew I was still in Arizona when we left Phoenix, but didn’t know where we’d moved to or Tom’s family’s name in order to call and trace us through them as they would’ve been dumb enough to disclose that info. If this is really true, then I’m suspecting the outstanding warrant that was out on me at the time pushed the pigs to hunt me down. I don’t blame her for the warrant on account of the white/Jew-hating welfare bums that set me up with the help of their pig pal (I won’t get into how he did it) for the city complaint we lodged. If we didn’t know it was out on me, then she certainly couldn’t know about it. If the pigs make a case against you, they put out court subpoenas and then warrants when you don’t show up, even if they don’t know where you are and can’t serve you. Well, we had no mail service at our Maricopa house, so they couldn’t have served me their little court call. It was when the pig came to the house on account of Bill that they routinely ran a check and discovered the warrant.

So as Tammy and I both agree, we’re thrilled to know Bill’s cancer has returned and I hope to hell he suffers miserably for having a hand in costing me half a year of my life and thousands of dollars, not to mention emotional distress like crazy. You know what else? I don’t care who may think I’m wrong for saying so! I would still beat that cock’s ass if it materialized before me, only now it would be for different reasons than I had when I sent the letter I sent him.

I’ve chosen not to actively seek revenge on anyone be it legally or not because I always get punished for doing so. God screws me by letting others screw me, and He screws me if I try to fight back.

There’s a difference between those I don’t want anything to do with and those I hate so damn much I could not only never forgive them, but know I would mutilate if they magically materialized before me. Kim and Molly are people I want nothing to do with. I don’t like them one bit. But I don’t hate them either. I can forgive people for the kind of shit they pulled on me even if that might still mean I don’t want to associate with them.

But every single person that had a hand, both directly and indirectly, in getting me thrown in jail, is a whole different story. Even if I’d been 100% guilty of writing such a mean, threatening letter to our less-than-kind welfare bums who drove us crazy at our own expense since it was our tax dollars that allowed them to sit on their asses and raise hell, who the hell deserves to go to jail for half a year and then lose thousands of dollars for a fictitious letter?!?! For a fucking letter that, had it been real, was mere words on paper that no one was forced to read, mean or not. That was sent to an adult and not a child.

But everything was all about how black they were, and poor poor blackie this and poor poor blackie that. And of course they had kids and we didn’t. Well, the two measly little pranks I pulled on them – totally provoked by them in the first place – doesn’t mean I deserved what I got! Right or wrong, you can’t pick on someone for 3 years and not expect a reaction. So yes, I pulled a couple of pranks but it was nothing compared to what was pulled on us as neighbors and then through the law when we moved and tried to escape their shit. Never once was their credibility and integrity ever questioned. They casually and freely lied in court and to the media, no questions asked. All the blame was 100% thrown on me. Never once were they asked if they instigated anything. No one knows about the endless hours of noise, trash and vandalism we went through on account of these assholes. I was so, so hurt and definitely offended when no one (except for the few who were powerless to help me) would listen to or believe a word I would say in my own defense. Well, then why did they fucking ask?! Words can’t describe how pissed I’d be when people would ask why they did certain things, I would answer, and then they’d say, “Nah, that wasn’t why,” even though they never lived there or met the assholes.

I know what happened and I know why it happened. So does my husband. If you don’t have a hold on me of any kind, then I have no reason to bullshit you. If I were a drinker and on probation and asked by my PO if I drank and the answer was really yes, you bet I’d lie in that case. But if one doesn’t have a hold on me, don’t expect any tall tales from me because you can’t use the truth against me in any way. You can not like it, but you can’t beat me over the head or control me with it in any way or spank me and send me to bed without any dinner.

The fucking judge made up his mind about me before he even heard me speak in court. This perfect stranger donned a black robe and sat in judgment of me and a situation he knew virtually nothing about other than a pack of lies from one side and one side only. He wasn’t there. My husband and I were. No matter how many false assumptions were made, no one gave a shit and no one would listen to me.

Although my family has nothing at all against gays, it hates blacks and Muslims. While I may hate people as a whole I have always tried to judge people based on their individual behavior and not their color. But like it or not the vast majority of blacks, at least in America, have been determined to “avenge” the past and make the whites of today, who have absolutely nothing to do with the slavery of the past, pay in some way. They’re using their race against us like crazy and it’s automatically our word against theirs. This pisses me off same as people blaming today’s Germans for Shitler’s shit. But I not only can’t have a White History Month or a white whatever without being called racist, but I also can’t have a black person charged with a hate crime should one attack me for being white. How is that any more correct than it is to deny gays equal rights?

Although I was vindicated in the end, there is no record whatsoever to show this that I know of. That’s another wonderful thing about this country which even my sister is coming to hate (I told her I’ve been thinking of trading it in someday for Spain), we air people’s dirty laundry out, but we seldom air their victories out. So I have nothing to show for the vindication that came 2 ½ years too late other than the memory of a phone call early one morning in the late spring of 2003. Scared the living shit out of me, too. It was just after 6am and when I saw it was my PO I thought, “Oh no! They’ve set me up again! They’ve accused me of some shit I have no way to prove I’m innocent of and now I’m gonna get another 3 years or worse.” But it was my PO giving me the good news. I’ll never forget that day. I ran around the house grinning like a mad idiot. Then I was overcome with this strange, sickening urge to hurt myself. Why? Because I was so used to some form of abuse, for once I wanted the abuser to be me so I had no one to blame but myself. I never did hurt myself, though. Just vowed to never ever forgive God.

Getting off-topic again. Sorry! I admit that for a while I was so disgusted with my sister that I couldn’t stand to even look at her picture. Then I just didn’t know what to believe. The family is filled with a web of deceit and illusions that’d make anyone’s head spin. As flaky, weird, and childish as I can sometimes come across with my playful nature, I like to think I’m both sharp-minded and with a good sense of character, but sometimes even I don’t always know what to think.

Tammy has expressed a desire to move on, chat with Tom sometime, and have me get to know Mark who I will admit does sound very kind and loving. They’ve been together for over 10 years now. The only two people he hates are Bill and Larry, LOL. I asked Tom how he felt about my keeping in touch and he saw no harm in it and agrees the past is the past, and regardless of who did what, it can’t be changed anyway. Well, I don’t want to make any decisions right now one way or the other, but I did make it clear to her that we’ll never return to New England. Oh yes, she and I are true opposites. We don’t look alike, we don’t share any of the same interests, and where she likes a seasonal climate, I like a warm one. They didn’t like Florida at all and are thinking of swapping Connecticut in for either Maine or New Hampshire. Ugh! Even so, some people just think the world is all wrong if the leaves don’t turn colors and fall off. It’s still wrong if it doesn’t snow and then the leaves don’t sprout themselves in the spring. And it’s totally wrong to step outside on Christmas to find it 80°. The only time I like it cool is when I’m sleeping and working out, but that means 70°, not 7° with snow and ice. So she can keep her hot chocolate to cuddle up with by the fire while I run around in shorts and sports bras.

I will admit I was a bit of an absentee aunt there for a while even after we slowly started communicating again, for two reasons. One was because Lisa and Sarah were very rude to me in 2010, especially Lisa, Two, I saw it as friend mixing which can be a bad concoction at times that has a way of backfiring on you. Well, I didn’t want to get caught up in the “he said, she said” game. I’m still keeping my distance, though I have no hard feelings at all and wish them the best. Maybe we’ll talk in the future or maybe we won’t.

She got a new laptop, but won’t be back online till the 18th. Poor girl’s got over 100 pounds on me, too. I guess she’s on some medication that’s got steroids in it and it makes a person anything but slim. Everyone’s so tall in the family except for me, though that fucking bitch of a mother of mine wasn’t that big. About 5’ 3”, 160 pounds.

Back on topic yet again. I was under the impression all 3 of Tammy’s girls were anti-Larry, but apparently, Lisa’s been in touch with him. I guess the pervert called her to ask what Tammy took from the condo or something like that. Anyway, Tammy went off on a tangent about Lisa. I guess that Lisa’s caused all kinds of problems for the family, and Bill and her sisters don’t want anything to do with her or at least not much. I won’t get into what it was Lisa said to me a couple of years ago but right away I could see that something was off. She’s obviously not right in the head, but I doubt it’s in the way Molly’s fucked in the head, and I think a lot of her problems were Tammy and Bill induced. I don’t know her well enough to judge, and I don’t want to get involved with any family problems that don’t pertain to me. Nonetheless, Tammy went on and on about Lisa raising hell and “trying” to hang onto the relationship but getting fed up.

First I really poured out our past struggles to Tammy and she really listened and never judged me for my feelings and beliefs (she used to hate God like I do but now thinks He’s just great) and for that, I really appreciate her.

I try never to condemn anyone for their beliefs but I don’t get how she can be such a fan of God. He let the abuse happen. So that’s another one I don���t get. Wouldn’t my buddying up to God be like a woman buddying up to her rapist? But I can see where if one has a relatively good childhood and doesn’t struggle much as an adult and usually gets what they want, they would be quicker to say God was good. If I suddenly won a million dollars, I wouldn’t say God was good since the damage has already been done, but it would help. I still think, for reasons we’ll probably never know, God sees people as we do. Some He hates, some He likes, some He loves. If being a 1 out of 10 means being the most hated, then I’d say I’m probably a 3 or 4 overall, but if you take just this last year of my life, I’d say I’ve moved up to an 8 or 9. Regardless, He let so many people use, abuse and walk all over me, and then He gave them 100% guaranteed protection. How do I “buddy up” to that?

“We lived like bums while mom and dad lived high off the hog!” I shouted to Tammy. “Never consider yourselves bums,” she said.

Oh, I don’t. It’s her lovely God that apparently does. It’s her lovely God who felt my husband deserved 28 months of employment while his wife deserved a sleep disorder. Nonetheless, we struggled our asses off in a tiny trashy trailer for years. I tried to tell myself it was better than some slum in a third-world country, but this isn’t no third-world country! This is the US of fucking A!

I have tried praying for things I’ve needed and wanted, but the results were inconclusive. If I got some of the things in the end it was probably a coincidence that would’ve happened anyway. I have, however, noticed that if I cuss God out and really let Him know what I think, I get punished for it. Things just get worse. They break or other minor inconveniences start escalating. So I am forced to keep in most of my emotions since He obviously can’t handle them and doesn’t want to hear them. So I won’t belittle myself by crawling to this entity that so obviously hates me so, but I try to keep the cussing spells to a minimum.

She was happy for us and how we’re house hunting now, and said she just got a bedroom set she loves. Well, I’m happy for her in return, and although we could do it all ourselves if we had to (it would just take a year or two), I really hoped the least my mother could do after the years of hell she put me through was contribute enough to at least jump-start the renovations and new furniture and all that stuff. That was the least the bastard above could’ve helped see that we got if He gave a damn about me at all, but no, of course not. At least it doesn’t look that way.

Ok, here’s what happened that really got me furious as hell. Tammy said that when Dad was dying he muttered, “It’s not enough. I’m sorry. It’s not enough. I’m sorry.” But she didn’t get it till she learned some things right before mom had a stroke. Well, the store just sold for 50K, but they owed that much on the condo. Then not too long ago, Mom took out a 50K loan which Tom later confirmed he saw online. So now they’re up to owing a little over 100K. Tammy wanted to list the condo for 120K. Not in this economy, the realtor told her.

Why oh why do I feel like God “guided” them and set things up to end up this way just so I wouldn’t get shit? If I’m psychic enough to know other things, mostly through dream premonitions, why would I be wrong about Him or something else up there hating us?

I’ve pounded out half a dozen pages of raw emotion and I’m getting kind of tired. I’ll continue on with the saga later.

Later…

My day started off frustrating and full of tech issues, but then it turned downright sad and infuriating. I am currently composing an entry about it that will only be shared with my closest friends. It’s long, sad and very graphic, so those I share it with may not want to read it. That’s ok. It’s their choice. But if I email it to them they’ll at least have the choice to make. It will probably be done sometime tomorrow. Right now I’m too tired to finish that or write much else.

I woke up with a backache and hip pain and was reminded of why I hate this overly firm mattress so much. I look very forward to the new one coming soon.

Then it was off to fight with phones, keyboards and fans that didn’t want to work right, along with the usual Internet issues. Right now it’s out cold so who knows if I can post this when I’m done.

We’ve been looking at places in the park that his coworker lives in as I’ve mentioned before. But then last night Tom found a good deal on a doublewide. It’s being sold through a realtor, but we’re definitely interested in checking it out. It’s old and ugly but we can make it pretty. It’s 1200 square feet which is better than 720 or 2000, and it’s a corner lot. Satellite images show the roof looks horrible, but it is in otherwise good condition for a 1977 model. Ugly colors, but they can be changed.

So we’ve got a slight change in plan. Because it’s a lot of house for so little money, we’re going to check into that first. We’ll probably still be out of here sometime next month, no matter what we move into. We now have adequate savings to get something decent enough. It’s just a matter of finding the right place and going through the paperwork.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2012 Got my first view from the troll yesterday evening. Just a quick visit to my MO blog, but hopefully she’ll be kept too busy to make more than just an occasional quick glance.

“What if you’re really dead, Jodi? What if you really did die the night of October 1st of last year, and what if the wonderful year you’ve had is nothing more than an illusion or wishful thinking from the afterlife?” some anonymous being in my dreams asked me last night.

I answered the same way I would for real; that I’d rather “think” I was living the good life before I knew for sure I was suffering in any way.

Regardless, I slept horribly last night. Another inner wall of the airbed let go, making its shape rather unsleepable. So I deflated the piece of shit and tossed it out on the porch. Then I folded the 4” memory foam topper in half along with the 1” plain foam topper, never more glad for my child-size body, fat or not, and slept on that while he slept on the original foam mattress.

So I settled in for the night and was not only immediately reminded of why I hate memory foam with the way it causes you to sag and overheat, but the whole ensemble was tilted for some reason. I guess that would be due to some parts of the foam being worn out. It’s a miracle I didn’t wake up with a backache, but the makeshift mattress wasn’t thick enough to cause my body to sag to the degree that it did when the memory foam was atop the original mattress.

Then it hit me that I had been stupid. I could’ve just blown up the airbed we got before the last two, and assuming no inner walls let go, that could be used until the new deluxe mattress gets here in about a week even though it does have a tiny leak in it. Yeah, we finally decided to do what we should’ve done all along and got a real quality mattress from Amazon. Shipping was free, but with taxes, it cost about $270. It should be well worth it. It’s a 13” independently cased coil pillow-top mattress. Even if it’s not quite as comfortable as an airbed, I shouldn’t be waking up with backaches like I used to, and it should definitely last a long time.

As Tom said, though, we were more stupid than I thought since we could’ve just thrown the futon’s mattress in there for now, LOL. Once the platform was bare I went and pulled up all the duct tape that we placed over the screw heads to protect the airbeds, then we threw the original mattress on and topped it off with the plain foam topper. Lastly, we threw the memory foam topper on the futon’s barely plush mattress. So I’ll at least not be sagging too much or feeling like I’m having hot flashes until the new mattress arrives.

We’re doing the paperwork required for the park and I tweaked some online settings too, assuming they’ll look us up online. You won’t find anything on Tom, but I did have the links to my blogs on Facebook set to public. Well, you never know what things people may judge you by, so I set those to friends only for now. Once we get in, assuming we really do, I can open that back up later.

He’s going to type up a letter about our ownership and rental history for the last 10 years. I told him to make sure he lets me read it before he prints it out, knowing what spelling and grammar errors he may make and that if he thinks it’ll take him 5 hours and 45 minutes to do it, have me do it instead. We also shot pictures of our IDs and other things.

His total earnings for the first year at this job are definitely going to be above average. It’s about fucking time, too! It was never those who got what they deserved I had a problem with. It’s those NOT getting what they deserve I have a problem with. I will never forgive God above, if there is one, for reducing us to such bummery and making such bums out of us cramped into this trashy old trailer for so long. I didn’t ask for my sleep disorder and my husband never asked to spend 28 months on unemployment. I’ll NEVER be His bum again and neither will my husband!

Speaking of work, I’m going back to my job as an artificial intelligence worker as soon as we’re moved and with a better connection, not because we’ll need the extra money but so I can feel like I’m working too, in ways that go beyond just keeping up the place. I’m also going back to sweeping, but don’t know if I can win the hundreds to thousands of dollars a month in cash and prizes that I used to be able to win. Psychic or not, there’s just too much competition these days.

I started to get pissed off when I saw I gained back the two pounds I half-starved off last week with just one day of pigging out. But not only did I realize it wasn’t all for nothing after all since I wasn’t two pounds above what I put back on, but it’s already backed off. I decided not to pig out again, though, until I’ve lost 4 pounds.

Really hope these views from Arizona are just random coincidences. First Surprise, then Maricopa, now Mesa.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2012 Can’t decide what I want to do today and when. I guess his jeans would be dry in time if I waited till I got up tomorrow to finish the laundry.

So that leaves my workout time to be decided. Should I take another day off or should I work out today? I think I’ll take today off. I’ll shower, cook us a big pot of spaghetti which I know Tom would love to dive into after having to work today, and then I can just relax the rest of the day away unless I decide to do laundry this evening.

We definitely have to order a new bed. Another section of the airbed’s inner wall let go. We’ll order a coil mattress. It may not be as comfortable, but at least it can’t leak or fall apart.

I was thinking of Mom and wondering why Tammy never called with an update last week. I’m guessing it’s because there’s been no change, but I’ll call Tammy next week anyway. I still have such mixed emotions where my mother is concerned and I know I always will. It’s a sad situation in itself to lose your husband of 62 years and then be on death row in a nursing home. But try as I will, I cannot forget the years of misery she inflicted upon me both directly and not. Besides, I’m sure the nursing home she’s in is like a luxury country club compared to the places I ended up in on account of her not being able to cope with motherhood, right God?

I get pissed at those who blame today’s Germans for the shit Shitler and his bunch of whackos pulled for same the reason I get pissed when some of the black folks think whites owe them because of the past. Well, no one in Germany these days has anything to do with Shitler, and no one in America today has anything to do with slavery. Should I blame my ingrown toenail on George Washington?

Wish my nails were big enough to do certain designs, but they’re so tiny no matter how long they are. I won’t be able to get more than one letter from the newspaper on my pinkies. I got fed up and cut them off. I cut them outside. Will the next tenant find them and use them as fake nails? LOL, it’s nice to be able to type easily again and I can even make a tight fist again.

Guess who’s zooming out right now not knowing we’ll be U-hauling our asses outa here soon enough? Still wish we could know when he’d be out long enough to sneak out in the U-Haul instead of giving him notice. Then if he calls about it we can say, “What are you talking about? We’re still here.” LOL

I was flattered to receive a good night “kiss” from Christiane yesterday, LOL. I usually let my “pokes” build up and return them in groups. Well, she poked back as soon as I poked her and I said, “Wow, you’re up early.” It was only 4:30 in the morning in Germany, but she said she was just going to bed late instead and signed off with a cute little kiss icon. Ooh!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2012 Got some exciting news which I really REALLY hope I can post before 9am my time when the hottest woman in Europe takes off for the weekend cuz I can’t get online now. I was on long enough to pick up messages after I awoke, but now it’s out again. But since I usually do my entries in Word, I’ll just get on with it and hope I can post this once it’s done.

Tom asked the lady at work who lives at the park we’re looking into about barking. She says it’s not a problem at all. She said that when someone passes by people who are out walking dogs they sometimes yip at them, but otherwise it’s not like the mainstream. Yeah, well let’s hope Fido doesn’t go off on anyone passing by when he’s let out to take a dump just a few feet from our windows. In other good dog news, they must be kept indoors – yay! So they can’t just tie them up outside before they go to work or when they go out to run errands. I was so glad to hear this! I hope this will deter people from wanting dogs because, for reasons I don’t get, most Westerners don’t believe dogs belong indoors.

Tom said the people managing the place are super nice, and the more he talked to them, the more he doesn’t think there’ll be much trouble getting a place, and that if anything our credit will be just a minor hiccup. We both agree, however, that we don’t want to go from one single-wide dump to another just because it can be ours and much cheaper to rent the lot it’s on than to rent this one from pesky Jesse. We would rather wait for what we want which is a doublewide. It may not be very new and it may need some serious cosmetic surgery, but at least we wouldn’t have settled. As Nane said, if it doesn’t “feel” right, we’re not going to go with it. As annoying as Jesse and his mutts can be we’re not in a desperate situation here like we were in Phoenix, so there’s no need to act in haste. Besides, we have to do the paperwork and let them do the credit check.

He asked about closing costs and all that stuff and I guess there wouldn’t be any of that if we bought a place that was owned by the park as opposed to one a realtor’s selling. It’s a big park with hundreds of homes. He only saw 3, none of which we would want since they were 1-bed, 1-bath, but they said they have about 16 either up for sale or almost up for sale. They’re remodeling and fixing some of them now. They fix anything crucial that needs to be fixed before they sell them.

The average lot these homes are on rent from $400 - $850. Ours will probably be in the $500 - $650 range. This includes trash and sewer, but I’m not sure about gas and water. Probably not those two, and definitely not electric.

Another thing that appealed to us about this particular park is that it’s only 6 miles from where he works instead of 18.

Some of these parks don’t border on mainstream residential areas, but part of this one does. Therefore, we have to make sure we don’t take a place in that section or else we’ll get slammed with tons of barking. Tom was hit with it when they showed him one of the expandos which they call single-wides that have been expanded with add-ons.

The park has more amenities than I thought it did which is super cool. Here, if I want to go outdoors there’s not only any place to go, but I have to hope I don’t get sprayed by skunks or that a bear doesn’t jump out at me. I still love the country way better than the mainstream city, but still, there’s not much I can do out here in the mountains. At the park, though, there’ll be plenty of level streets for bike riding. They also have a pool, a spa, a library, a sauna, a game room, and a laundry room we could use until we got our own washer/dryer.

That’s another thing, the manager said they usually gut the homes before selling them when someone either moves out or dies, so it’s unlikely that we’re going to have a dishwasher, washer or dryer when we move in. On the bright side, we get to pick out the exact ones we want. We really like the idea of getting one of those two-in-ones that both wash and dry clothes. They’re only a couple hundred dollars more than a washer/dryer set. I’m not very hopeful for a dishwasher because there may not be room for one, but that’s not something I have to have. I’m just tired of having to hook up a little puny washer and then hang clothes in here! I want to walk up to a normal, full-size washer and dryer that’s always hooked up and ready to go. Oh, those little luxuries I’ve missed so much that so many people take for granted.

They have potluck dinners too, which brought back a funny memory of when Andy and I lived at the same apartment complex in Arizona in the early 90s that was ruled by a bitch named Stacey which I sort of developed a crush on. Yeah, I’ve got a thing for those tall bitches, LOL. It said to bring a dish. Well, we thought “bring a dish” meant to bring a dish to pile food on. Instead, it really meant, “Bring a dish of free food since you’ll be eating for free, too.” But they let us load up our “dishes” anyway, hahaha.

If we go with a more expensive place where the monthly expenses are comparable to this place, fine. Not only is that ok since we’d be getting so, so much more for the money, but we’ve shown we can save at least $500 a month here. So after we got what we wanted for the place, why couldn’t we save there, too? The most important thing is making sure there’s at least enough to go out and grab and old junker with should this car completely crap out in a way that’s not worth fixing. That would be mostly in the way of engine failure. All other maintenance and repairs Tom can do on his own. He’s always maintained his own vehicles.

So, two more steps – hoping the credit check goes through ok, and then waiting till what we want becomes available.

The excitement and shock of it all hit me again last night and I cried tears of happiness. For years I told myself we would never own again because I didn’t believe it was even remotely possible. It may be a manufactured home as opposed to an on-siter, but it’s still a home, and we can have it paid off in 3 years or less. I don’t like how we’d always have to pay rent for the lot it’s on, but it’s worth it with all the park has to offer. I’d rather that than pay nothing in the mainstream where people refuse to control their dogs and kids, and are always driving by blasting music, though this state isn’t nearly as bad for car stereos as Oregon and Arizona.

I can’t wait to go swimming – woo-hoo! It just may be too cold a part of the year.

It still blows my mind to think that on September 16th, not quite a year ago, we were trying to figure out the best way to die so we wouldn’t have to slowly starve off on the streets when the money ran out. Now we’re figuring out the best home to buy, OMG! My eyes are stinging with tears right now. We had a helluva lot more than just a foot in the grave. I will never forget October 3rd either. After that miracle call came through and saved us, I was sitting here writing when it hit me that by now the landlord would probably be discovering our bodies. shudders at the thought Now here I sit not even a year later, tears streaming down my face to know we survived such an ordeal and are on the road home and that day is coming soon just like Tom and Nane said. That is going to be one seriously emotional day for me.

Other things hit me too, and I ran to Tom and said, “Our baby’s been born! If it’s that close, she (but probably he) has been born by now. He’s only a few inches long and hasn’t got any fur yet, but he’s out there. He EXISTS! And he’s waiting to be taken home by his future mom and hugged and squeezed. Yeah, being the rodent junkie that I am, I doubt we’ll get a dog of our own. I’d only want to take my straightening iron to its tongue every time it barked and woke me up.

Later…

Thank you, Hanna, for letting me know you passed the message I sent you to your mother Stacey since I was unable to message Stacey directly, by disallowing messages. Stacey had that disabled on her own account, so instead, I picked her oldest daughter to share some old memories with. As in some of my 1993 journal entries. I almost wish I saved them just so I could laugh at them, but I know what’s in them. Stacey also let me know she heard about it by way of not only not accepting my friend invite but by blocking me. But did Hanna pass it on and did Stacey read it if she did? I would think she would be curious to see what her own kid was sent, but those who are that unforgiving and unable to move on as Stacey is usually don’t care what anyone has to say about them. They just want to spite them or avoid them. Or both.

Bitch looks smoking hot, though. That much is for sure. Her husband’s profile pic is a shot of them next to a Christmas tree and the bitch is almost movie-star gorgeous with her tall, slim body, perfect teeth and face free of sags and wrinkles. How do some people get so lucky? This woman’s not only younger than fat, sagging little me, if only by a year, but she’s had 3 kids. I’m sure that quite unlike me, God has blessed her with everything she could ever want and that what she can’t get is probably no big deal to her anyway. She’s got a beautiful home unlike anything we’ll ever have, she and her husband no doubt have great jobs, and of course they can both drive and keep schedules just fine. They probably still have a rocking sex life, too.

Her kid was listed on another site as being of mixed ethnicity, but what could that be? If she had all her kids with the same guy, and I assume she did, he looks exactly like what I picture Stacey to go for – someone much like herself. He’s damn near bald and his hair may be a touch darker than Stacey’s, but he’s just another blue-eyed whitey, though I’d say Stacey’s eyes are bordering on hazel and her hair bordering on light brown.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2012 Bad news from Aly. First, though, she thought I was done with her as a friend because she said she sent a couple of messages I never returned. I must not have gotten them, as I told her, and I thought she was done with me too, LOL.

Anyway, the poor girl cut up her hands really bad washing a vase that broke, and she and Dustin are so poor right now they’re struggling to sell and pawn things. We know what that’s like! :(

Molly went into the group home on Monday so it was probably her that looked in on me until Saturday. I figured she must’ve taken Sunday to pack, then was gone come Monday. What sucks is that she reactivated an old account to send numerous messages to Regina asking Aly to keep in touch, as she’ll have her laptop with her. That totally sucks to know she can get online from the group home. Totally. But hopefully they’ll keep her busy enough that it can’t be often. As of yet, though, no Austin, TX visitors have appeared on my list.

Finally had a dream we were actually packing up and getting ready to move. Only problem is I never saw where we were going. I “saw” bits and pieces of this place and the last one before we found it. In Oregon, I saw the chain link fence, the picket fence and the side the driveway and bedrooms were on. Here I saw the forest and me looking out windows through binoculars. Seeing us pack in my dreams is a start but it doesn’t tell me much. Especially when weird things happened along with it. We were in a hurry for some reason. You usually have about a month, but for some reason, we had to pack overnight so we could get out the next day. I even asked Tom when the hell we were going to sleep, LOL.

Here’s where it gets even more interesting. An old lady at work asked Tom if we found a place yet. He said no, but he had an appointment to speak to someone in one of the parks we looked at in Citrus Heights. The lady asked him what park and he told her the Stonegate. Well, it turns out she lives there! She just rents, though, and doesn’t own. I told him to ask about the barking there. He said he’s pretty sure she doesn’t have a dog so she’d be a good one to ask. Most people with dogs are always going to say there’s not much barking. When you have your own dog barking it’s hard to notice others as much. The lady did say that the management people there are fairly new and seem nice enough. They’re good at fixing anything that needs fixing right away, too. That’s good to know cuz I’d hate to end up with another Stacey managing things.

Tom will be meeting with them at 5pm. I hope to hell they’ll accept us, but as Tom said, first we have to see if they’ve got what we want. If they don’t have what we want, it doesn’t matter what they say.

While the idea of owning again still excites me, I also like the idea of renting to see what it’s like first. Who knows what we’ll end up doing? I also like the idea of a real house that wasn’t built before the 90s, but that’s just a dream.

I’ve been half-starving myself lately with about 800 calories a day, plus my half-hour workout. Except for the first day, it’s been easier than I expected. Your stomach shrinks and you do get used to it somewhat, though those last few hours of my day are always the hardest. Just don’t know how long I can keep it up, used to it or not. I’ve got an awful lot of weight to lose but I am slowly pulling away from that dreaded 150-marker I was getting a little too close to.

I’ll have something like a 100-calorie snack bar 2-3 hours after getting up. Once I’ve been up for 6 hours, I’ll have a protein bar and work out. Then 4 hours later I’ll have a 400-calorie or so meal. The last thing I’ll eat will be something like yogurt a couple of hours before bed. This is the only way I’m going to know if something’s really wrong with me or not. If I stop losing weight doing this and it continues to hover where it’s at, then up goes a red flag cuz not even older women shouldn’t be able to lose weight on 1000 calories or less a day even without exercise.

I’m only checking my email once or twice a day now. I’m sick of checking it just to have to muddle through spam that keeps returning no matter how many times I mark it as spam and unsubscribe from the sites that took the liberty of signing me up for the shit in the first place.

As soon as I get ahold of some newspaper and try that nail design I want to try, it’s bye-bye long nails. They’re driving me crazy!

Later…

I was so pissed off earlier. How the hell can a 500-calorie meal put 2 pounds on me??? I even stopped the raspberry ketones cuz they weren’t doing much for me at all. I guess my body must be fighting to hang onto the weight for a reason and I’m just meant to be a big girl. I waited till I went back down 2 pounds and then had 300 calories in snacks. The hunger’s worse today. After the 500 calories, I felt as if I’d burst, but now I feel like I could eat 1000 calories and still be hungry!

Had a little bit of a scare earlier when I saw I had a blog visitor from where the sick black bitch lives. But they landed on an entry about shopping at Target which pretty much tells me they Googled something that landed them there. There’s really no other way into a single post unless they linked into it. But they couldn’t have linked into that entry because the link to it isn’t public anywhere. If it were connected to the sickos, I would think they’d land on the main blog and fly under radar.

Do they still watch me? That’s both a sad and scary thought. Even though I know I didn’t do a damn thing wrong, a part of me is surprised I haven’t been harassed online or heard anything else since that supposed pig emailed me. Once again, why would they just give up on me if it were a real pig? Jurisdiction issues? Because it wasn’t a real cop? Because the DA stopped them after insisting I did nothing wrong and what I did do wasn’t worth it? I still worry they’re gonna jump out at me somehow, real pig or not, but Tom doesn’t think there’ll be any trouble so long as I keep a low profile.

If that was a real cop, again, it’s both sad and scary that they’d put the time and effort into making their little “case” when there are so, so many more people out there that truly need to be thrown in jail. Like violent criminals for instance. But violence is taken so lightly in this country. I would be surprised if Paula ended up in jail, but not at all surprised if she only got 30 days if she did. The laws are so backward, but that’s why I’m not afraid to defend myself if I were ever attacked. Oh, the pigs would turn it around, alright, and charge me with assault. But unless my perp was black or Mexican, I’d get little more than slapped on the wrist for protecting myself.

Got a view from Mystic, CT. They landed on an entry Tammy “liked.” Sure hope it wasn’t any of her kids. I would guess not, though. Wouldn’t they be a little more curious to check out more than just that entry? Wouldn’t they want to know what I might be saying about them and other family members?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2012 No views from Molly’s place since Saturday, but still no messages from Aly either.

When I got up to find a voice message waiting for me I automatically assumed it was from Tammy. Instead, it was from Paula. If her new number is in service for more than 5 minutes then maybe I’ll catch her later on. It’s still only 7am in the east. She’s probably up, but I’ll still wait.

I’m excited about Thursday because Tom has an appointment to meet with someone in park #3. Still don’t know if we’re going to rent to own or just buy something, but hopefully we’ll find out soon enough.

Most of my dreams still continue to be weird or negative, but the overall theme has changed. I’ve gone from poverty to chase dreams. If intruders aren’t after me, it’s me trying to kill strange creatures. Last night it was a frog that grew in size, grew fur and fangs, and took forever to kill even though I’d hit it in the head with a hammer a million times.

I asked Nane if she thought I was joking about the dream premonitions I’ve had and she said no because so many times I have told her about dreams I’ve had involving her and a lot of it actually happened.

Later…

Chatted with my #1 online hottie. Well, she’s my only online hottie, actually. I still, to this day, find myself grinning ear to ear when she “likes” something of mine, leaves comments or sends messages. We talked about talking on the phone after the move (the internet phone cuts out cuz of our shitty connection here and the cells don’t always work well in the mountains). She says she doesn’t call overseas but doesn’t think it’s that expensive. Even if it was a buck an hour I’m sure I could afford a 10-minute chat, LOL. It’d be fun and it’d be nice to hear her speak in English and German. I’ve only heard her speak Turkish so far.

On what’s the cloudiest day in months, I haven’t heard from Tammy yet, but I did call Paula. Turns out I had this other number of hers all along. It was great catching up as hyper as she is. Yeah, she was her usual self, talking a mile a minute, rapidly changing subjects, and hard to get a word in edgewise, LOL.

Turns out she’d heard about all the wildfires in the area and was worried about me. When she didn’t receive a birthday card in May (I thought she might be in jail) and couldn’t get a hold of me she started to wonder if the fires got a little too close.

She’s otherwise not doing too well. She’s on probation and I guess she’s still going to trial for assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, which she might do 30 days for. She’s lucky she’s not in Arizona or Texas, though no state seems to take actions as seriously as words. I just don’t get it. They’ll put you away for a long time if you threaten someone, but if you actually harm them they won’t do much if anything at all, WTF??? Either way, she must have more than one case going since she’s already on probation. The trial is on October 2nd and she pled guilty (stupid thing to do). You would think she’d have learned by now not to succumb to the bullshit threats that come with pleading not guilty. She was probably given false promises for pleading guilty and she fell for it. Now the state gets to make more money off her and feel high on power play.

I don’t know why but she insisted on giving me her SS# and some kind of password in case she goes to jail. I guess so I can look it up online? I know she’s known me forever and all that but I urged her not to give it to anyone else. She can be too trusting and naïve. Nevertheless, as airheaded as my flaky friend of nearly 25 years can be, it was great chatting and laughing over the silliest of silly things.

Another bad thing is that she got a bad infection in her foot and I guess she filed suit against some doctor for malpractice. She was so sick for so long that she dropped from 205 pounds to 148 pounds, which isn’t bad for 5’ 5”.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2012 As I said on Facebook yesterday, if I can piss people off without even trying, I’d hate to think of what I could do if I actually did try. I was joking with Nane about something and it sort of backfired. She took it all wrong when I was only teasing her yet I still felt bad about it. Finally, I decided that if all I could do was piss people off I better get the hell offline altogether. I was beat by the time we returned yesterday anyway.

Where I dreamt about Molly’s mother like crazy the night before last, last night all I had were nightmares. In two of the dreams, someone broke into the house I was living in which looked nothing like any place I’ve ever really lived in before. I woke up running from one intruder and attacking the other.

We went to 4 different parks yesterday, 2 in the state capital and 2 in nearby towns. Saw some totally gorgeous houses we’ll never have along the way, too. Yeah, it kinda sucks to know we’ll probably never live in a real house again and that we’ll be spending the rest of our lives in trailers, but if they’re not as old, small and dumpy as this place, it won’t matter what it is so long as it’s livable.

I liked each park that I saw better than the last with one HUGE disappointment in the last park. The reason I liked the last two better than the first two was that they weren’t as cramped. The first one was super cramped and even Tom agrees I may not be able to sleep well there. Those trailers are literally packed in like sardines! Furthermore, the two that were for sale were in the worst locations within the park. One was right on the pool and clubhouse, another was backed up right against someone’s parking space. The truck there would literally park right against the bedroom wall. Usually, you at least get a few feet, but not with that place. That truck was just inches away.

The manager greeted us along the way and seemed very nice, and while the park itself was cute and the pool looked so inviting, this one would be our last choice. Even if I could be up during the daytime every day, I think it would get annoying as hell in those particular locations.

Another thing the parks have is RV parking. I definitely wouldn’t want to be near that section of the park either.

So we went through the parks, grabbing flyers and writing down numbers on signs that were on some of the trailers and manufactured homes. I loved the way they would decorate them and all the different plants and trees around the place. I saw plenty of wind chimes too, so no worries about having to give those up. I would prefer to be on and next to lots with gravel instead of grass cuz then I wouldn’t have to worry about mowers. As it is I really think there’s going to be a lot of yard and street activity like what we saw – people trimming trees and bushes, walking their dogs, gabbing in the streets. It’s better than a bunch of screaming kids or loud car stereos tearing through the place, but in some ways, it could be noisier there than here. The only difference is that the noise would be more spread out and hopefully not as loud and concentrated, so to speak.

There are other minor nuisances that could be an issue. Nothing we couldn’t deal with, though. Well, most people smoke, and when you have your windows open that could mean having to deal with smoke wafting into the place with people that close to us.

It was in the last park that I was immensely disappointed to hear 3 dogs, yes 3 dogs, going ballistic. One jumped in an open window and went off on me when I got out to grab a flyer. I didn’t think of that but it makes sense that in a climate where windows can be left open most of the year, dogs would be on the lookout waiting to bark at whoever passed by. And if you’ve got your own window open and there are 8 trailers packed in tightly around you, front, back and on the sides, the barking might not be much better than in the all-ages areas. We only saw one cat the whole time. Pretty much anybody that could have a dog would choose that over a cat.

“We only heard barking in one park,” Tom pointed out. Yeah, but I still think it’ll be an issue on and off throughout the day in virtually any park. They may not be big dogs and they may not be left outside overnight, but there’s nothing in the rules we’ve ever seen that says you can’t leave dogs outdoors unattended or that you have to control their barking. Well, half a dozen to a dozen or so 3-minute barking sprees throughout the day can get just as old as non-stop barking. It all adds up. One place even had a little fence around part of it and there’s no reason they would have a fence like that in a place like that if it weren’t to leave dogs out. I’d hate to have my days sprinkled with barking from 7am – 10pm, but I really don’t think there’s going to be any escape from it no matter where we go. At least it won’t be an overnight thing like it sometimes is here with two big dogs going off for 8 or more hours at a time.

We never saw two of the dogs we heard so I can’t say if they too, ran up to open windows or if they were tethered outside. IDK, maybe the message all along has been trying to tell me to get my own dog. Hey, if we have to listen to barking anyway, maybe it should be our own for once and I’d really like to have a pet that lived 12-15 years instead of 2 like with rats. Beagles are kind of cute and I’ve heard good things about them, so we’ll see. First we gotta get into one of these places and I don’t know if we even can get into the nicer parks.

Tom’s gonna make some calls today from work. We’re gonna go for a newer doublewide first. I don’t expect to be able to get it, but we’ll start from our top choices and work our way down to what will probably be not much bigger and newer than this, but if it has enough space, well, we couldn’t make it newer, but we could make it nicer. That alone will make it seem newer. But you know we were meant to live in old dumps. Fortunately, the parks don’t allow old junky trailers from the 60s like this one. I think in California they can’t be older than 1970. I just wish they’d separate the smokers from the non-smokers, though I REALLY wish they’d separate the dog owners from the non-dog owners even if that meant just 5 trailers out of every 100.

Tom assured me we weren’t stuck here, though, and that even though he didn’t think we’d have to, we could take that dumpy old trailer in the sardine park for 2K. Well, it’s nice to know we could do that if this place burned down or something, but not nice to know it was our only option. I sure hope it isn’t, though it would certainly save us a helluva lot of money. Not even God could make us poor again in a place like that!

Anyway, if the monthly expenses are just 1 or 2 hundred dollars cheaper than this and it has an extra bedroom and bath and it’s OURS, that alone is a major improvement, barking or not.

I can’t wait to try this new nail design just as soon as we grab a newspaper from somewhere where you transfer newspaper print to a light-colored polish. The problem is my nails are so small, LOL. I’ll have to use fine print as I could barely get more than one letter onto my pinky.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2012 And the family drama goes on and on and on… Argh! Tammy messaged me from Lisa’s computer saying she still can’t get online. But this is supposedly cuz her computer’s broken. But doesn’t she have the money to get it fixed or to get a new one??? Maybe there’s more to it than I know.

Anyway, all she had to say was that Larry’s causing a lot of issues, Mom was taking his advice, and once again she’s the bad one. Ah, but we have nothing to worry about, she also says, saying that the lawyer will do the right thing. Really? You mean there are cops, judges, and lawyers that “do the right thing?”

If these so-called authority figures had our best interest in mind, then how come, as Tom pointed out, the police don’t care about those who have to live with excessive barking? Really, they don’t give a shit that people like me have to listen to Jesse’s mutts every time he takes off to either get laid by some street whore or play pool all night with his drunken buddies, but they sure as hell give a shit when someone has something to say that they don’t like or agree with. You bet they care then. Words will make people care, but actions won’t matter at all – WTF???

I asked Tom why they bother to make laws (against barking) if no one’s going to enforce them and he pointed out that the people that make the laws aren’t the same ones that are supposed to enforce them. Oh, so then maybe all we need to do is stick a barking dog outside every cop’s house for a good 10 hours or so and then maybe they’ll care enough to get these dog owners to be more responsible, right? Until then I guess they’ll continue to pick and choose what laws they want to enforce based on their own personal experiences and opinions.

As far as my mother goes, I’m fast running out of sympathy. Ok, so I’m sorry she’s depressed, demented and old, but I also wish she would just move onto the Pearly Gates so I can be done with the family drama after 46 years of having to deal with it! Well, make that 36 since I took a decade off. But I took that decade off for a reason and while most may disagree with me, just because my mother gave birth to me doesn’t make her God. It doesn’t make the things she did to me ok. I lost all respect for her years ago and I’m not about to apologize for my feelings nor will I sugarcoat them in any way. Abuse me and you’ll lose me no matter who you are, period. Motherhood does not excuse one from being abusive and I don’t care who may disagree with me or say I’m wrong for my feelings. I don’t care anymore who thinks what about me or who does or doesn’t believe whatever. I feel what I feel and I’m just sick of her and the whole damn family drama as a whole. I’m not obligated to stick around just because I may be related to her, but I will tolerate her existence in my life only because the evil witch supposedly doesn’t have much longer to go. Tammy said she’ll call next week with a health update; something I kind of hope isn’t very good at all. Really, I just wish she would drop dead so I can move on with or without a single penny. That woman spent half my childhood not only making me miserable but also shipping me off to this place or to that place so she could have a quieter, easier life. Well, let’s see God ship HER off for once so I too, can get a little more peace and not have to hear about or deal with the goddamn family drama.

Only problem is most people won’t let me go. Instead, they have to resort to childish, immature stalking and harassment rather than respect my wishes and focus their energies on those who actually want them around. I used to be the same way. It would hurt and piss me off when someone would dump me and I would do everything I could to make that person miserable until it caught up to me and karma bit me in the ass. These days, however, I accept that that’s just life and I let them go and move on. The only one that was hard to let go of and that dumped me over the last several years was Nane because Nane wasn’t just a friend.

So the point is that I’m afraid I’m stuck with Tammy whether I want her in my life or not. Do I? Well, I still don’t feel comfortable with someone in my life who could burn me as bad as she has and who has continued to lie about it because I always worry it will happen again. I don’t know what to do where she’s concerned. If I remain “friends” with her she’ll eventually pressure me to come see her or to let her come see me and neither Tom nor I want that. So what would I say at that point, that we can only be cyber friends? I don’t think that’ll sit well with her. Also, when the next poor spell hits she’d probably help us out so there’s that bridge to consider burning or not burning as well. Like I said, I don’t know what to do. If I do dump her, do I do it silently? Or do I explain and then walk away? And what do I do when she becomes another Kim and Molly? Pretend I don’t know her? That one’s actually kind of funny. The thought of saying I don’t have a sister named Tammy and that she must have the wrong person, but I say otherwise all over my journal. Still, it’s a bit of an amusing thought. sighs I just don’t know what to do. Going underground under a bogus name would be too much work and make me feel dishonest. She’s not worth the effort and neither is any other troll.

Well, I don’t know what I’m going to do just yet. My mother’s not dead yet. But I do know this much and that’s that there’s no law that says I have to associate with my sister or anyone else for that matter. Nor do I need to read and respond to any nasty emails, messages, comments and whatnot they may want to throw at me. So unless they physically come to my door and force me to deal with them, I don’t have to be “stuck” with anyone or succumb to their shit online and be their cyber victim.

Meanwhile, so long as God doesn’t throw yet another curveball at us, we’ll be out scouting parks this morning. Not because we haven’t already seen enough of them, but because we need to start writing down info on for-sale signs. Tom still thinks we’re not going to find a place in an ad but from a sign we see in person.

I was under the impression that all parks are the same and very black and white as far as whose credit is acceptable and whose isn’t. However, he says it would vary from park to park and that by the end of the week, we’ll know more. Yeah, right. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Later…

The nail on my ring finger got a crack in it down by the base so I brushed on some glue to see if that’ll hold it up a while longer. If not I’ll probably cut them all off.

For some reason, I had one dream after another about Molly’s mom last night. Nothing bad, just weird, LOL. Some were long and detailed. I’ll write about them later if I remember to.

I wonder where Alison’s been lately? She peeked in on my blog yesterday but never answered my email. Have I been dumped?

Still don’t know what to make of the random bouts of water retention that hit me out of the blue at odd times of the month. I also don’t like the fact that I not only can’t lose weight on 1500 calories a day plus exercise, but I can even gain weight on that. Finally, I said to myself, if you want to know if something’s wrong with you and if you should see a doctor, starve yourself! If you don’t lose weight then, then yes, something’s wrong.

But it sure is easier said than done. I got up at midnight and had a yogurt a couple of hours later before I went to work out. I can’t work out on an empty stomach. But around 5am the hunger pangs started biting really hard, so I had a protein bar about an hour later. It took a while for my stomach to get that there was now a little food in it, so the pangs backed off somewhat. How could I stand to be anorexic in my late teens???

I miss allowing anonymous comments on my blogs, but I know that if I do I’ll just get hit with spam, scammers, trolls and other shit like that. I don’t need people telling me no one cares about what I have to say (even though they cared enough to take the time to read my blog) or to be told to contact them so they can show me their picture, or phishers telling me to contact the FBI and other law enforcement agencies or else! It’s always the same old shit, though some comments were interesting.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2012 I stripped the plum crackle and white and glazed my nails in Boathouse, which my mom sent me a couple of years ago or so. I used to think that particular shade of red was dazzling but now it just seems so there. It’s almost all used up anyway.

Andy asked for a close-up of my face. Of this fat, old ugly face? Not sure he’d like to see that. Really, I’m not getting any thinner, younger or prettier! On the other hand, why hide forever, right? We all get old and most of us get fat with age, too. Nothing anyone thinks is going to change things anyway, so one of these days I’ll take some face shots. Just not right now.

Now I’m just wishing to hell I knew what was going on so we could get on with our lives. All I do know is that we can’t afford first best. That means settling for second best (if the parks will let us) or giving the Jes pest’s place a serious makeover so we can live here more comfortably until he retires in a decade or so. The thought of staying here another decade both saddens and frustrates me, but as I’ve said many times before, there are worse places to be. Staying here wouldn’t be the end of the world. Someday we will get out of here, though. We really won’t be here forever. But if we weren’t meant to be here we wouldn’t have been here for so long, and I have a feeling we’re not getting out anytime soon so we might as well just make the best of it. One way to do that is to focus on what I would’ve missed had we moved. I would’ve missed people not parking alongside us. I would’ve missed not having people be able to drive by the place, even if they were all park residents. I would’ve missed being surrounded by so much nature. To open the back windows and see nothing but trees is really nice.

Our credit is so bad that I’m almost positive that all we’d be able to rent from were individuals like Jesse. Well, why move from one individually owned dump to another since anything nicer would be well over a grand a month? It also may include a much peskier landlord and a lot more barking. Almost all the rural rentals are on shared lots. If you don’t live with the landlord you live with other renters. Still, I’m willing to try for the best of what we can afford in a 55+ place even though I’m 80% - 90% sure they’ll turn us down despite the fact that we can prove we pay more right here each month.

Andy’s mom has her place up for sale. She’s going to live in a senior place herself. Two prospective buyers failed to show up, he said. I still don’t get the failing to keep appointments or dates. What do people get out of it? Is it just funny to them or something? Well, we’re not going to do business with anyone who’s unreliable, bad credit or not.

I’ve been in places I didn’t want to be in for most of my life. It’s nothing new to me and I’m plenty used to it. Those are just the places I was meant to be in, even if it doesn’t seem fair and I don’t get why. As I pointed out to Tom yesterday, we lost two places of our own yet even when the situation seemed totally hopeless as it did last fall, we sure couldn’t lose someone else’s dumpy heap of shit, could we?

Later…

When Obama was first elected I had mixed emotions about it. I was glad to see a Democrat back in power, and sure it was nice to see the first black president. But I was also bothered by it because I don’t believe we’ll ever see our first woman or gay president and because I believe he was chosen mostly for his color. Sorry, but I’m just not ok with favoring any group in particular any more than I’m okay with shitting on a particular group. But that’s just the way the world is in 2012 – gays are shit on the most, whites are sort of in the middle, and non-whites are the favorites. They rule the courts, workplaces, and residential areas in most of the country now, and that’s not going to change anytime soon whether I like it or not.

But the reason I hope Obama’s reelected has nothing to do with his color. Unlike most people, I see beyond color and into what really matters. What matters is that I not only think he turned out to be the best president ever since he got the healthcare thing to pass as well as the abolishment of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in the military, but he’s a Democrat. I hate Republicans because they don’t believe women and gays should ever have any rights. All politicians may be high on power and greed, but I know I sure as hell don’t want a president who works for the so-called straight male only.

Again I deactivated on Twitter cuz again I just couldn’t get into that site. There’s just no point in it for me, and they won’t stop forcing promoted tweets on people’s timelines, which to me is like spam.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2012 Been getting views from Molly’s residence nearly every day. But who is it and what do they want? Why are they showing up as being in Brownsville? There’s no doubt, though, that even though the map puts them in the middle of nowhere and right next to a reservoir, it’s from Molly’s place. She’s appeared as being in Brownsville before and I got a visit from this location when Aly said Mrs. M blasted Regina about me mentioning Molly going into a group home.

I was under the impression Molly was going to live at this group home which is just south of Austin. That means it’s probably the mother peeking in on me, but if she’s a high school teacher, what would she be doing looking in at me in the middle of the day on a Friday? Hasn’t school started yet? She looked in again a few hours later. Am I that interesting or is she really that curious as to what I may say about Molly, something I’ve been making a point of not doing? She strikes me as the same hateful, vindictive bitch as the black one in Arizona, so she’s probably looking for ways to file her precious little suit against me. rolls eyes

For the most part, my mother made me suppress my emotions as a child, and when I did make the mistake of going to her about something that angered or depressed me, it was usually just that – a mistake. She often made me feel worse than I did to begin with and ashamed or wrong for my feelings. As soon as I became an adult, however, I wasted no time catching up on venting. So that’s a big part of why I don’t hesitate to whine and complain about things that upset me. I’m naturally a blunt, outspoken kind of person who’s not afraid to risk offending or annoying people with my thoughts, beliefs and opinions, but part of why I’m so outspoken is because I was forced to hold back for so long. I don’t mean to offend or upset anyone, mind you, but no one can please everyone. There’s no way to know who may take offense to whatever. I could piss someone off just by saying that the taste of oranges sucks. But I also believe in freedom of speech and that anyone who doesn’t like what I may have to say can simply not tune into my blog. We all have a right to be who we are so long as we’re not threatening or harming anyone. I don’t read anybody’s stuff I don’t like, so why should you? I just wanted to make this clear. Yes, I know I’m a whiner, but no one’s obligated to put up with it either.

But for those of you who don’t mind, tonight’s complaint is the weather. It’s 54° right now at nearly 3am. I had to shut both windows and vents. They should be able to remain open round the clock again soon cuz it shouldn’t be getting under 60° for a while. It’s just tonight that’s particularly chilly.

Doing laundry, grocery lists and things like that now. Gave the bathroom a half-assed cleaning.

Ended up chatting with Nane yesterday and exchanging wall posts. The usual things we do on Facebook that’s really nice. We’re both into nature pics.

Later…

Just sitting here waiting for Tom to return with the weekend goodies – turtle cheesecake, crackers, etc. while I finish up the laundry.

It’s freezing in here now. It got down to 68°. If it weren’t for the fact that the temp is now coming up I’d kick on the portable and just heat up this room. In just a few hours, though, it’ll be toasty warm.

I’m slowing down the use of propane now that I know we’re not going anywhere anytime soon. I should’ve figured as much.

Wish I could motivate myself to work on some stories.

Although it’s not as much anymore since she got her promotion, I still hear from Christine at times. Not much from Maliheh lately, though. I guess she’s in Hawaii now visiting her mom.

Molly or Mommy Dearest just checked me out.

Later…

And again she checked me out.

Ah, that cheesecake and those chips and crackers were good. :)

Tom bought me a little present that was on close-out. Plum-colored crackle polish over a bright white base. That Facebook nail photo album sure is growing!

[15-dogs]

hey lover |s.r.|

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: spencer wants to ask you on a date but his fear of rejection causes him to write you a letter. however, he’s made the miniscule and idiotic mistake of forgetting to sign it. (fluff, mutual pining, and miscommunication!!)

warnings: very light swearing, description of murders/crime scenes (criminal minds level gore/description), food mention

guide: (Y/N) = your name, (Y/L/N) = your last name, (Y/N/N) = your nickname, italics = letter

word count: 3.2K

a/n: asjkdfhkj this is my first spencer fic i hope it turned out ok!!

***

It seemed like a good idea at first. Derek’s ideas always seem good at first. Spencer wasn’t sure why he trusted things would work out without error. Yet there he was, letter in hand and eyes wide at the stupid, miniscule mistake he made while you awaited his answer.

***

You had just begun working at the BAU no more than 3 months ago as the new communications liaison, replacing JJ while she was absent on maternity leave. You were quickly integrated into the carefully woven quilt that was the BAU and, in turn, you had built some very close relationships with your coworkers. 

However, there was one person who you had grown extraordinarily fond of: Spencer Reid. You didn’t want to admit how smitten you were with the doctor, seeing as you were only working at the BAU for so long, but it was an indisputable fact you had fallen for him.

Unbeknownst to you, Spencer felt the exact same way. Your courageous and selfless demeanor struck him as something he hadn’t seen in anyone in quite some time. Not to mention how incredibly beautiful you were. Spencer knew it was impossible for anyone to be perfect but, when you made him feel the way he did, he began to question his thinking.

Spencer was quite terrible at hiding his feelings, finding himself staring at you a second too long when you walked to your office in the morning or bringing you extra breakfast and coffee because the store just happened to have an extra muffin they wanted to get rid of. It was so obvious yet you couldn’t pick it up for the life of you and Spencer really thought he was flirting to the fullest extent of his ability.

One morning you were running late. You had yet to arrive but you called Hotch to let him know you’d be at the office in no more than 30 minutes because the train was down for the time being. You also had texted Spencer, asking him if he wanted something at the small coffee shop around the corner while you waited. So as Spencer gave you his order with one hand, he downed the coffees he had made for you and himself in the other.

“Whoa, kid,” Morgan chuckled, prying the cup from his hand, “slow down. Your toothpick-body can’t take all that caffeine.”

Spencer swatted at Derek in an attempt to get the cup back only to see him lift it to his lips. “Oh, I’m sorry,” Morgan started with mock innocence, “was this for a certain communications liaison that a certain doctor has a crush on?”

Spencer rolled his eyes but felt the back of his neck heat up. “I don’t have a crush on her.” He made his way back to his desk, ignoring Morgan’s eyes boring into him.

“Oh, really? That’s a shame,” he could practically hear the teasing grin in Morgan’s words, “because she likes you.”

Spencer went rigid. He spun slowly on his heel until he saw Morgan’s smirking face, feeling his stomach drop again. He couldn’t believe he fell for that. Spencer retreated to his desk with Derek chasing after him.

“Kid, kid, listen! I know you like her! I was just-”

“Be quiet!” hissed Spencer, his cheeks now coated in a healthy flush.

However, Morgan wasn’t quiet enough. Emily perked up from her desk, rolling her chair over to join the conversation. “What are we talking about?”

Spencer tensed his hands and shook his head, turning to face his work again when Morgan explained, “How pretty boy’s got it bad for (Y/L/N) and won’t do a damn thing about it.”

“What?!” Spencer whipped around, his jaw slack from panic. Morgan and Emily were cackling to themselves at his shock, not even bothering to silence themselves.

“Reid,” Emily began, clutching her stomach from laughter, “it’s okay, I know you like her-”

“What?!”

Spencer’s increasing panic only furthered the pair to laugh even harder. Was he that easy to read? Did everyone know how he felt towards you? Dread began to set into his stomach at the thought of you knowing. His overthinking mind started to wander, assuming you knew how he felt and had led him on to get free breakfast every morning. He quickly scolded himself for thinking that— he’d been hurt too many times before, making that line of thinking second nature. But you weren’t someone who wanted to see people hurt; you were too kind, too caring to do that to anyone.

“Why don’t you just ask her out?” Emily asked. “She obviously likes you, too.”

Spencer’s eyes lit up for a second at the thought of you feeling the same but he caught himself. A moment too late, however. Emily and Morgan teased him, batting their lashes and making kissy faces at him, leading to Spencer throwing his head in hands to hide from their stares.

The two were no later interrupted as Hotch called Emily up to his office to go over a report she had put in, leaving Spencer and Morgan alone. Derek nudged Spencer’s leg, Spencer frowning at him as he met his eyes.

“Listen, kid, Prentiss was right. Why don’t you ask her out?”

If what Derek and Emily had said was true, why couldn’t he? He imagined himself walking up to you and asking you on a date, his heart fluttering at the thought. His fantasy soon turned sour as you snorted at his question, shaking your head vigorously and pushing him out of your office.

“I don’t think I could look her in the eyes if she rejects me.” Spencer’s voice was no more than a whisper as he announced his realization.

Morgan laid a hand on his shoulder, the other reaching around Spencer’s desk to hand him a piece of paper and a pen. “Then we’re going to do this the old fashioned way. Women love it when they get love letters, so write her one.” Spencer’s eyes bulged at Morgan’s words. “Love might be a bit strong, I get it, but you get the sentiment, right? Write her a letter about why you like her, ask her out at the end of the letter, and then slip it under her door.”

Spencer nodded slowly before shooing Morgan away, already hunched over the first draft of the letter. He worked it over and over again, feeling like each copy wasn’t good enough for you until he saw his phone buzz. It was a text from you. You were heading up. Spencer panicked, folding his latest draft and slipping it under the door to your office before settling back at his desk.

You waddled in from the elevators, attempting to balance a carry-out tray of coffees and a bag of croissants in one hand and your work bag in the other. Spencer jumped up from his seat, relieving you of the items belonging to him in an instant.

“Thank you so much, Spence. I was seconds away from dropping my breakfast.” You shouldered him gently in place of a grateful gesture. He nodded, ducking his head in hopes you hadn’t noticed the blush creeping up his cheeks.

Before Spencer could say anything, your phone rang. Sending him an apologetic smile, you managed to slip it out of your pocket and place it on your shoulder, shrugging it up to your ear as you answered. “(Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

Spencer watched you walk off towards your office, taking a short sip from the coffee he definitely didn’t need. You stepped in and flicked the lights on with your elbow before tossing your bag onto your desk, freeing a hand to hold your cell phone. You took another step in before stumbling, your shoes caught on a loose paper by your door.

It was go time.

Spencer hurried back to his desk and pretended he wasn’t looking at you, even though it was extremely obvious he was. You set your breakfast on your desk and bent over to pick up the note, skimming it as you spoke. Your head snapped up and you turned to face the window that exposed the bullpen, Spencer ducking his head down and innocently reading the newspaper on his desk. He chanced a look up only to see you frown and hurriedly shut the blinds.

Spencer thought he was going to be sick. He paled and ran his hands over his face before digging the heel of his palms into his temples, massaging them roughly. You looked upset— disgusted. Why did he think you’d ever like him?

Before he could indulge in his own pity party, you stormed out of your office with a large file in hand. You raised it in the air to gather the attention of the team as you announced, “We have a case!”

The team scurried in after you, everyone finding their places in the conference room as you clicked on your presentation. The pictures of two young couples appeared on the screen as you passed the files around.

“Four victims from Atlantic City have been found dead in their homes.” You clicked to the crime scene photos, wincing at the sight. “The husbands’ C.O.D. being a slice through the carotid and the wives’ a shot through the head execution style. The husbands have also had their...hands removed.”

Hotch looked up from the file, brows furrowed. “This all happened in the span of 3 days so we need to be vigilant. He could be planning his next attack right now. Wheels up in 20.”

***

On the plane ride to New Jersey, the team had finished being briefed by Garcia’s intel quicker than usual and were left to ponder their own thoughts. You sat off by yourself at a table in the back of the jet, opening your bag to sneak out the letter left at your office earlier. You scanned the words and frowned again before being hit with a genius idea.

You stood from your seat and settled next to Spencer on the couch. Oddly, he went rigid at your presence, sitting up straight and avoiding eye contact. You shook it off and continued on with your plan.

“Spence, hey, can I ask you something?” you whispered.

Spencer’s mouth went dry. He knew what you were going to ask about. What else could you be asking about? “S-sure.”

“You’re the guy who’s good at identifying handwriting, right? Like matching it and stuff?”

His eyes flickered up, mouth opening and closing a few times before he settled on a nod. His mind swarmed with questions but none of them came out. He decided it might be best if he were silent, anyway.

“Great. Then can you help me out with” —you pulled the letter from your bag and handed it to Spencer— “this? I think I might have a secret admirer or something. Whoever it was either wanted to stay anonymous on purpose or forgot to sign their name. Either way, could you help me out?”

And that’s when Spencer started to blame Morgan for his terrible idea. Well, it wasn’t exactly his fault but Spencer couldn’t take the blame for something so embarrassing. There his letter was, his handwriting, his words, his admission, and he forgot to sign his name.

Spencer debated the logistics of admitting to his error; he wouldn’t have you pining over a mystery man, but then again he would be asking you out in real time. The whole point of the letter writing was to not see your face and if he told you he wrote it you could reject him straight to his face. He couldn’t deal with the thought of that. So Spencer, fear consuming him, shoved the letter back in your hands with a nonchalant shrug.

“Sorry, (Y/N/N), I don’t recognize the handwriting.”

“Oh,” you muttered, standing up. “That’s okay. Thanks for looking.”

And as you returned to your seat on the other end of the plane, a pit formed in your stomach. You were no profiler but you hoped you could have read Spencer better, seeing if he let on any signs the letter was his, that he liked you. But at that moment you had to push it aside. There was work to be done.

***

After a few days in the case, the team had a breakthrough. They had discovered all the women had been drugged and used a bargaining chip to lead the men back to their homes before getting killed. The unsub had been targeting wealthy couples at casinos and the only way the team could catch him is if he was drawn out of hiding. The whole explanation was a long winded way of Hotch telling you you needed to go undercover as Spencer’s wife.

You begged him to let Emily take your place but Hotch assured she would be better as a lone guest to cover your perimeter. Frowning, you explained you didn’t have any undercover experience but Hotch assured you you’d be fine, that the unsub would fall easily for your charade because of your close identification with the victim pool.

So there you were, in your hotel room sitting in a dress you didn’t care for with a wire far too uncomfortable running up the length of your sleeve. Your body thrummed with nerves so, in an attempt to calm down, you reached for the letter and reread it, practically having it memorized by now.

(Y/N),

I don’t normally do these sorts of things but you deserve these sorts of things— nice things. You deserve the best things. You deserve the things that make you happy, that make you smile, that make you laugh. You deserve all of that and more.

I’ve only known you for some time but I can safely say I’ve completely fallen for you. To be entirely honest, I don’t know how everyone here hasn’t as well. You have this gorgeous smile that makes everyone light up around you. Not to mention your laugh; it’s harmonic and encapsulating, like good music you never want to turn off.

I like you. A lot. And I know you’re too good for me but I can’t help but try. I get scared because people might see right through us— through me— and you’ll realize it, too, that you’re too good for me. 

But now isn’t the time to worry about the future (even though I may have a tendency to do so). I’m sorry for not being the best at words. And I’m sorry for not being able to say this to your face but I like you, (Y/N), and I want to go on a date with you.

You were sure you had the confidence to spur forward with the night.

You left your room, ready to knock on Spencer’s door when you heard hushed whispers coming from inside. From the sound of it, Spencer was trying to opt out of the night while Hotch was trying to convince him to stay.

“You’re the only one on this team that can play some convincing poker, Reid-”

“That’s not the point!” Spencer huffed. “It’s...it’s (Y/N). People might see right through us— through me— and they’ll realize she’s too good for me. They won’t buy it. Not when she looks like herself and I look like, well, me.”

Something about his words hung around in your head. It was disquieting. His words weren’t true, of course. He was everything you could’ve wanted and the sheer fact he didn’t see himself that way broke your heart. But it wasn’t just that, there was something else. Something hidden in his words triggering a memory in you.

You were pulled from your thoughts as Spencer and Hotch walked out of Spencer’s room, giving you curt smiles before leaving towards the undercover van outside.

***

Fortunately, the night went as planned. The unsub was apprehended and you managed to stay cool undercover. Mostly cool. Your head was up in the air for a bit as you tried to recall what exactly Spencer had said that reminded you of something. Spencer had to focus you back in a few times but didn’t think anything of your lack of focus. Or, at least, he didn’t say it.

The jet couldn’t leave until the next morning so the team was stuck overnight at the trashy little motel the bureau had paid for. You tossed and turned in your bed, unease settling in your stomach. You decided it might be best for you to read the letter again, seeing as how it brought you such comfort earlier. But the second you scanned the words, the realization hit you squarely in the face.

Disregarding the late hour and the fact you were in pajamas, you ran out of your room and up to Spencer’s knocking on the door with haste. Spencer also seemed to be awake, answering just as quickly as you knocked.

“(Y/N)?” His voice was gravelly and low, like he had been in and out of sleep. You bit back a grin at the adorable pajamas he wore: plaid flannel bottoms and a t-shirt reading “I LOVE LAS VEGAS!” in bright gold lettering. Spencer tracked your eyes roving over his body before clearing his throat to get your attention again. “What’re you doing up at 3:00-”

“I know you wrote the letter.”

You didn’t mean to blurt it out but you just...did. Spencer coughed awkwardly and avoided your stare, shaking his head.

“I don’t...I don’t know what you’re…”

“Spence,” you began, taking his hand in yours, “I overheard you and Hotch talking earlier, about how people would see right through us. It’s the same thing in the letter— nearly identical.”

Spencer, positive he was completely red in the face, muttered, “Must’ve been a coincidence.”

“But it wasn’t, because I know you, Spencer.” You sucked in a sharp breath, your heart pounding in your chest. “Because I like you, Spencer.”

Spencer cocked his head, a smile tugging at his lips like he didn’t want to believe what you said. “You...you like me?”

You took a step towards the doctor, locking your hands around the back of his neck with a chuckle. “Yeah, Spencer, I like you.”

Spencer reached a careful hand up, brushing your hair out of your eyes and running his knuckles down your cheek with an adoring smile before connecting your lips. The kiss was soft and unsure but worth exploring. As you began to deepen it, you heard a door click open from behind you.

“Nice pajamas, you two,” Rossi teased. Spencer glared at him over your shoulder for disrupting what was the most perfect kiss he ever had. Rossi chuckled, holding his hands up in defense. “I saw nothing!”

Rossi slipped back into his room, laughing to himself about the interruption. You tucked your head against Spencer’s chest, feeling him place a soft kiss against the top of your head while his arms looped around your back, pulling you impossibly tighter towards him.

“You know,” he began, his chest rumbling against your ear in the most comforting way, “I’m beginning to think I should be writing you more letters.”

“A few more couldn’t hurt.”

[dontshootmespence]

Pretty Boy Squared

Summary: When Spencer comes into the Bureau with a number of semi-visible hickeys, the team starts to tease him, not knowing that the one who gave him the hickeys is another member of the team.

Words: 1,168

Warnings: Making out, heavy touching, teasing of the sexual and nonsexual variety.

A/N: This was a request for a Spencer x Male!Reader fic where he left hickies on Spencer and the team teases him, not knowing who he’s seeing. Spencer gets a little cranky at all the teasing and corners his boyfriend in the bathroom to get a little revenge.

Without thinking, Spencer dragged his feet across the floor out of the elevator and traveled to his usual morning spot in the bullpen - the coffee area. He and Y/N had a long night the previous night, but in an effort to keep their relationship from the team, they came in separately. 

As Spencer poured the sugar into his coffee, using way more than any one man should, Morgan and Emily stumbled into the BAU, following the smell of badly made government coffee to where Spencer was standing. “Morning, Reid,” Emily mumbled, playfully nudging him in the side with her elbow so she can grab some coffee of her own. 

Reaching over Spencer’s hands, still trying to dissolve the crazy amount of sugar into his coffee, she grabbed the milk and then caught side of the inside of his wrist. “Woah, woah, woah,” she said quickly, instantly more awake than just a moment ago. “What is this?”

Spencer quickly tried to cover up the mark, which was thankfully a little less red than when he woke up this morning. “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

Of course, as soon as Emily brought attention to it, Morgan saw it too. “That’s now nothing. Pretty Ricky has a hickey. So who is it?”

“I decline to comment,” Spencer replied, ignoring eye contact and shuffling toward his desk with his coffee in hand. 

Shortly after they got settled at their desks, Hotch, Penelope, JJ, Rossi and Y/N arrived at work. Spencer did his best not to following the line of Y/N’s body toward his own desk, not wanting to give anything away to the rest of the team, but that didn’t stop them from seeing the hickey on his wrist and a lighter, older one just under his hairline. “Come on!” Garcia groaned. “Tell us their name at least! You deserve all the happiness and I need to know who’s making you so happy.”

“Awww, that’s sweet,” he replied with a soft laugh. “But nice try. Still not happening.”

JJ started to sing song, spinning around in her chair. “Spencer and someone sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“Lots apparently,” Rossi added. 

Much to Spencer’s dismay, Y/N had to chime in too. I have to keep our cover, he texted. If I didn’t say something, they’d know immediately. You know they would.

Out of everyone else’s line of sight, Spencer rolled his eyes and Y/N and took the team’s teasing in stride for another few hours before he just couldn’t take it anymore, quickly devising a plan. Meet me in the bathroom when the rest of the team goes out to lunch, Spencer texted. 

When he got the message, he shot Spencer a quizzical look. But Spencer wouldn’t elaborate.

Just after 12:30, the Rossi, Hotch, Garcia, JJ, Emily and Morgan decided to go down the block to grab a slice of pizza for lunch, leaving Spencer and Y/N alone at their desks. Spencer stood up and pointed toward the bathroom the instant the elevator doors slid closed. “What’s up?” Y/N asked.

Casually, Spencer walked into the bathroom, ensuring that no one else was there before pushing Y/N into the stall and backing him up against the wall. “I’ve been getting teased all morning. So now I’m going to tease you and leave you all hot and bothered for the rest of the afternoon.”

“You’re mean,” Y/N laughed, arching his neck back as Spencer slid his lips down the column of his neck, settling at the crook of his neck and shoulders just below the collar of his shirt. “But I like mean,” he sighed, gliding his hands up Spencer’s back. He gasped as his cute lanky boyfriend began to suck at the spot on his neck that he loved so much, that they both loved so much. 

Spencer pursued his lips and sucked at Y/N’s skin, periodically rolling his tongue over the spot to sooth the blooming ache. 

“How long does it take for a hickey to form, Boy Genius?” Y/N whispered into Spencer’s ear.

Spencer stopped himself long enough to speak, but he wasn't about to let Y/N off the hook, sliding his hand down Y/N’s pants over his boxers, palming at his ever-hardening cock. “It differs from person to person,” he said, tonguing at Y/N’s mouth as he pressed him against the cool tile. “But typically between 20 and 30 seconds of continuous suction will do the trick. However, I know you and you don’t bruise as easily. You’re more like a minute. Now, let me do my work.”

“No more interruptions,” Y/N laughed huskily, attempting to keep his wits about him just in case anyone came into the bathroom. “Promise.”

Returning near to where he was before, Spencer slid his hands up Y/N’s arms and held them above his head, sucking and biting at the new spot for another minute or so before it became just too much for either of them. “I’m really going to get you back later,” Spencer laughed. 

“Oh, I’m quaking.” Y/N teased. “Now let’s get out of here before we get caught.”

----

After a way-too-quick lunch hour, everyone was back at their desks and trying to fight through the rest of the day. Near 3:30 or 4:00pm everyone, no matter the unit, would flood the coffee station again, looking for any kind of pick-me-up to get them through the rest of the day, and today was no different.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Y/N went to grab a cup of coffee with Hotch following closely behind. “Almost there, Y/N.”

“4:00 is such a bitch.”

Y/N’s frankness always made Hotch chuckle, but his laughter was cut off when he caught a glimpse of the younger man’s neck. “You okay?”

“Oh yea. I’m fine. I’m fine.” He spoke far too quickly. Hotch had to know he was lying, but at least he had the common courtesy to pretend he didn’t see anything. 

Morgan on the other hand not so much and somehow he’d popped up out of nowhere. “Did you have that this morning?” He asked. 

“What?”

“That big ass hickey on your neck. What do you mean what? Everyone’s getting hickeys around here.” Grabbing an energy drink from the refrigerator, he took a few steps before turning back toward Y/N. “You have a hickey...Spencer has a hickey...you didn’t have that this morning...”

“Don’t let your mind wander, Morgan.”

“I knew it!”

JJ’s head snapped back toward the two men who were walking back to their desks. “What?”

“Pretty Boy and Pretty Boy are dating! Y/N has a hickey too. He didn’t have it this morning.”

“Maybe I did,” Y/N interjected. “How would you know? You checking me out every morning?”

“Would you hate it if I was?” Morgan replied.

With that, Spencer couldn’t hold it anymore. The secret was already out. “Hey!” He said, pointing at Morgan and showing his wrist. “Yes, he gave me this. I gave him that. Stop hitting on my boyfriend!”

Morgan bowed before sitting at his desk. “I rest my case.”

@jamesgideonbane​

[quazartranslates]

Welcome to the Nightmare Game II - CH45

**This is an edited machine translation. For more information, please [click here]**

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

-----

Chapter 45: Star Death Reality Show (XXVIII)

His right hand slammed against the emergency close button, and his body rushed out with the instant acceleration from pushing off it. As if Qi Leren had thought about the plan in his mind for a long time, he opened a hand and threw a grenade behind him without looking, sprinted out like an arrow leaving the string, and repeated this old trick when he rounded the corner, throwing down another hand grenade!

Two consecutive explosions shook the corridor like a tottering boat. Qi Leren threw himself to the ground, feeling the turbulent heat flow from the corner and blow his hair into a mess.

He coughed twice on the ground, got up, and ran away again.

Leviathan didn't catch up, and Qi Leren who had already run to the floor where the arsenal was located finally breathed a sigh of relief.

The research institute was huge, and it would take "extraordinary luck" to run into that monster again. However, he didn’t know whether Leviathan had a sensitive sense of smell... Qi Leren looked back, and the world was immersed in a bright silence. This kind of terror hidden under the light was frightening.

He Yi had been parasitized by Leviathan, who was obviously Su He’s doing. He himself had said that he’d released the dangerous creature in the underground glacier. The octopus was similar to the alien queen in Aliens, much more difficult to deal with than the ordinary octopuses. What's more, it also had human intelligence... Hey, why did you listen attentively to He Yi just now and forget to smash his head?

Qi Leren walked on, and when he came to the corridor where the arsenal was located, he saw at a glance that Dr. Lu was poking around.

"Ah! Qi Leren! You’re still alive!" Dr. Lu excitedly ran out, "How is it on your side? Have you seen Su He?"

"Have you met Du Yue?" Qi Leren asked.

Du Yue also ran out of the arsenal and took Qi Leren's arm: "Qianbei! I thought you were going to die! Thank god! You can't die!"

Hey, what did this kid say? Qi Leren lamented Du Yue, who was too agitated and incoherent, and patted him on the shoulder in comfort.

"Why is that guy so stalker-ish?" Dr. Lu muttered with a bitter expression.

Qi Leren said with a straight face: "He can hear you."

Dr. Lu's face went white with fear, staring at him, looking overwhelmed.

"I’m just scaring you, he should be gone." Qi Leren pondered that Su He seemed to have too much free time. He was acting as both a prison guard and a Devil, and he also had a lot of beautiful subordinates. No matter how much he divided his time, he couldn’t do everything. He shouldn’t be idle enough to come here to peep at how a group of wannabes did in their task.

Dr. Lu was relieved and complained, "Don't scare me all the time."

Only Du Yue, who had never seen Su He, wondered: "Who is Su He?"

Dr. Lu quickly waved his hand: "A super terrible Devil, who is cruel, cunning, and ruthless, the worst in the universe! Your qianbei was killed by him before, and his death was miserable. You could say he’s a freak!"

Du Yue was taken aback: "So bad…"

Qi Leren, who had died miserably: "........"

"Yes, your qianbei's boyfriend is grief-stricken, and he’s still wandering the world, unaware that he’s still alive."

Du Yue was dumbfounded again: "Ah, my qianbei has a boyfriend? Isn't it a beautiful woman? Qianbei said that she was particularly beautiful!"

Dr. Lu looked at Qi Leren silently. Qi Leren, who had once talked with this youth about first loves while they were watching Annie, coughed twice: "Don't talk about this now, I have something very important to say: in the glancer beneath the institute..."

Forcibly changing the subject was successful. Qi Leren locked the door of the arsenal, briefly explained the previous events, and skipped a lot of things. He only told the two people about Su He's saying that he had released Leviathan from the underground glacier, and told them about his previous fight with the monster.

"We need a temperature below minus forty degrees? Awesome, our temperature regulating clothes only guarantee that we won't lose heat in environments above minus 30 degrees. Once the temperature drops below minus 30, we won't last long, and even worse when it reaches minus 40. If you cool down that much, you may as well sign your will. To tell the truth, it's quite amazing that you can still insist on not wearing gloves..." Dr. Lu looked at Qi Leren's bare hands and then at his own hands in thick gloves and couldn't help showing envious eyes.

Qi Leren moved his fingers. Although he was cold, he wasn��t frozen. He had good resistance to cold now, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have escaped just now.

"I can't think of a way to deal with it now." Qi Leren walked around the arsenal to find the weapons he needed. "Shall we set a trap and blow it up here?"

"You can try, but if there’s an explosion in the arsenal...……S/L Data can't save you from the fire after the explosion," Dr. Lu worried.

There were indeed difficulties. There were too many explosives in the arsenal. If the explosion lasted for several seconds, even if he saved here, the resurrected Qi Leren would still be blown to pieces.

"What should we do then?" Du Yue looked sad.

Qi Leren was also depressed, and he had to worry about another question: "How much private time do you have left?"

"This is reset at 8:00 every morning...I only have half an hour left." Dr. Lu was even more sad.

"Me too." Du Yue was also worried.

Qi Leren looked at his privacy time that was less than half an hour, which was also a headache.

After the privacy time ran out, the invisible camera that followed him would ignore his instructions and shoot him from 360 degrees without any privacy. In this way, he could neither use unscientific skill cards indiscriminately nor discuss things with Dr. Lu.

If only this thing had been blown up when Mark blasted it with a rocket launcher... Unfortunately, he had used the "Prophet's Heart" at that time and he was unscathed. Sadly, even the camera was preserved.

"Where are the others?" Qi Leren asked Du Yue.

"They ran away, and then I only met Dr. Lu," Du Yue said sullenly.

"Don't worry about them, you can't stop them from dying." Dr. Lu squatted on the ground heartlessly. "Think about how to get home alive first. By now, this task is definitely not C-level. We might say there is also an A. This Leviathan looks much more difficult than the crazy lady of B-level. "

Of course, Qi Leren thought. This Leviathan was released by Su He in order to force him to level up. However, now he didn't even know what the principle of a half-field was, because his teacher Chen Baiqi hadn't expected him, a loser student, to break his shell. In her prediction, this wouldn't happen for a long time.

The plan couldn’t keep up with the changes

"Let’s think about it again... This amphioctopus is intelligent, strong defensively, fast, and aggressive... I’m afraid it’s also very strong, and ordinary weapons can't handle it. I’ll try the rocket launcher next time." Qi Leren was also very worried about this weapon that he had never used before. There was no instruction manual for weapons here, and Chen Baiqi had never taught him how to use it.

Dr. Lu and Du Yue looked at him with eyes full of doubts.

Qi Leren coughed: "Let’s think of another plan, I don't think this is foolproof."

Qi Leren’s biggest reliance was the Prophet's Heart given to him by the Prophet, but the cooldown time of this item was as long as 24 hours. To try to wait for this to finish its cooldown, Qi Leren didn't think they could spend 20 hours safely.

Then what else can I do...

Glacier.

Underground glacier.

This word jumped into Qi Leren's mind without warning, and he suddenly remembered what He Yi had said before he died: "...Even if it’s frozen in the extremely cold environment of minus 40 degrees, it will not die, but will only go to sleep. It’s like the amphioctopuses’ soldier ant, and its fighting capacity far exceeds that of the workers. Leviathan is different from the ordinary octopuses. As long as it senses the approach of living creatures, it will be forcibly thawed..."

He Yi wanted to express the danger of Leviathan, but if you thought about it carefully, wasn't this its weakness?

40 degrees below zero wouldn’t kill it, but it would go to sleep. If he could lead it back to the underground glacier and then escape quickly, so that Leviathan, that couldn't sense the biological atmosphere around it, went to sleep, then he could wait for the Prophet's Heart to cool down before going back and killing it.

The more he thought about it, the more he felt that this may be the only way.

"I have an idea," Qi Leren said into the silence. "The danger of confronting it is too great. My idea is that I’ll lure it into the underground glacier and let it return to its dormant state again."

Then Qi Leren explained his reasons, and discussed specific measures with Dr. Lu and Du Yue. The biggest problem was that Leviathan has intelligence, and it was difficult to set traps for it.

"We haven't been to the underground glacier. I don't know what the terrain is like. If it’s an underground crevasse or a huge underground lake, even you will be in danger. Why don't we try the laser corridor, surely it isn’t stronger than steel plates?" Dr. Lu also had an idea.

Du Yue nodded at the side: "Yes qianbei, it’s too dangerous for you to lure it to the underground glacier."

"He Yi knew about the laser corridor, and that I can pass through it. It would be difficult to lead it into that trap... But it reminds me that we need to find the others. After making sure that they haven’t been infected by the octopuses, I want to send them out of the research institute first, and then re-seal the basement of Annie's house. If they’re running around here, they could easily be killed by Leviathan," Qi Leren said.

The corner of Dr. Lu’s mouth twitched: "I think they aren’t already done for."

It was hard for Qi Leren to refute.

"But if you want to lure it to the underground glacier, will it be fooled?" Du Yue asked.

Qi Leren tried to maintain a strong smile: "Yes."

Only on this point, Qi Leren had full confidence. He would be able to taunt the monster’s ire towards him. As long as the laser corridor trap wasn’t in front of it, this monster would be like the most loyal boyfriend, only watching him in a crowd, abandoning all temptations and running towards him.

The two EX lucks, Dr. Lu and Du Yue, were just like wild flowers and weeds on the roadside, which were ignored by this single-minded monster.

This kind of thing had happened so many times that Qi Leren was used to it.

Time passed by, and there was only ten minutes left in Qi Leren's privacy time. The three people discussed how to explain it to the audience later, and unanimously recommended that Dr. Lu pretend to be the anchor, so that he could think of his lines quickly.

Dr. Lu wore a tearful expression as he auditioned:

Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, I have bad news. Just now, XXX went crazy, together with XXXX. Then they were all killed by Qi Leren and God. This god-like Qi Leren is neither a special soldier of the military nor an interstellar mercenary. Please believe that he is just an actor... Oh no, a lead singer of a tone-deaf band. Next, the lead singer of the strongest band in history is going to fight the boss. Please look forward to it.

"You really seem like a default actor. Come on, is this filming?" Anchor Lu said with disgust.

The heavy-hearted Qi Leren was not in the mood to make jokes and rolled his eyes.

He didn't want to waste any more time, so he could quickly took care of Leviathan and then set off for Ning Zhou in Purgatory.

Qi Leren pondered it. He could only use Save/Load now. Secretly Observing and Rain Day Laundry were cooling down alongside Prophet’s Heart. There were still Pleasing Rations left, but according to his experience, this monster was not in the range of creatures that could be bought off.

Then there were these weapons. Qi Leren picked up a rocket launcher and weighed it on his shoulder. Dr. Lu opened his mouth and said, "Wow, have you used that?"

"No, but I was shot at with one and hit straight on," Qi Leren said.

Dr. Lu looked at him with an expression of "I know you’re acting, but for the sake of friendship, I will barely cooperate with you." Only Du Yue, who was stupid, sincerely praised: "Qianbei is so powerful!"

Qi Leren glanced at the time. It was the early morning of the fifth day. Let's make it quick.

Dr. Lu considered his physical condition and suggested that Qi Leren rest for a few hours to refresh himself. Anyway, the door to the weapons room had been locked by him, so there was no need to worry about Leviathan breaking in.

In the past, Qi Leren might have thought about it, but now he was full of thoughts about Ning Zhou and refused this proposal.

Dr. Lu sighed: "Well, suit yourself. In fact, I’ve thought about waiting in this arsenal until the army arrives and rescues me. Either way, it can't get in."

Qi Leren was not so optimistic. The monster would come up with a way to break into the room sooner or later. Here, he could only wait to die, and...

Suddenly there was a slight noise above his head, as if something was crawling in a pipe. The three men looked up and looked at the metal ceiling above their heads, and fell into a strange silence.

Qi Leren suddenly thought of a problem.

The air of this large underground research institute was unexpectedly clean, and there was no staleness of air being trapped. Its exhaust facilities were obviously operational.

Qi Leren's eyes turned to the vents in the corner of the ceiling. There was a metal shutter one meter square. It seemed that the sound of something crawling had come from there!

-----

[<<< Previous Chapter | Table of Contents | Next Chapter >>>]

[inimoo]

Operation: Eradicate the Homoerotic Energy Between Our Dads

Chapter 1 - The Phone Call Chapter 2 - Sam, Henry, Clara, and William Chapter 3 - Aunt Jen's Letters Chapter 4 - Caught in the Act Chapter 5 - Graduation Chapter 6 - Planes and Cars Chapter 7 - Wrinkled Polaroids Chapter 8 - "I'll have your babies Charlie. Platonically." Chapter 9 - A Tree Room Chapter 10 - Blueprints from 1968 Chapter 11 - Samantha Adeline Rogers

Summary: Michael overhears his father calling Uncle Henry 'babygirl' and is mortified to a point where he enlists the help of his best friend Charlie to attempt to eradicate all forms of sexually charged tension between their dads.

In hindsight, they probably should've just let them makeout.

Michael is acutely aware of Charlie draped on top of him, her arms under him and her legs wrapped around his hips. They’ve had sleepovers before obviously - a very very long time ago before Sammy died. All three of them would snuggle together for body heat in a little dogpile of 9-year-olds until one of their parents would force them to get up.

It’s not like he minds the position, it’s just that he can’t fucking breathe. Her hair is covering his airways and she’s drooling on his shirt drenching it in a puddle saliva.

A wonderful way to start the day.

The golden rays of the early sunshine onto the two of them. Both of them look terrible in the morning but she somehow doesn’t look too bad this time despite her openly drooling ontop of him. He doesn’t know when he wrapped his arms around her but he is.

He yawns and removes his hold on her to get rid of her hair and stretch his arms as a sigh leaves his lips. His hips raise a few inches and Charlie stirs. She looks up through bleary eyes at him as his body clenches and stills, stretching his muscles before loosening and falling limp.

“I’m not getting up.” she mutters quietly against his chest.

Michael considers getting up himself, he glances at the clock that hung on the wall of her unnecessarily pink room and sees that it’s 6:30. He decides against it.

“I’m not either,” he tells her, his head flopping back onto the pillow under him and closes his eyes. Charlie’s asleep again in an instant - she was always a deep sleeper, something that he was very jealous of. It takes him hours to get tired and he always wakes up late because of it which then means that William gets a call from school and then he has to deal with that.

Five minutes pass. He opens his eyes to check the time and bolts upright making Charlie roll with a groan. He throws the pink blankets off of him and runs his hands through his brown hair as he curses repeatedly, opening up the window and swinging his legs outside. It’s 7 AM.

His blood runs cold when he hears the click of the door opening and he thinks he might fall off when the face of Henry Emily appears in the doorway. Charlie’s still fast asleep, face planted into her mattress blissfully ignorant of the staring contest going on between the two men.

Henry doesn’t hate Michael much to the displeasure of William who has a strange rivalry going on with Charlie. Even after their falling out he invites Michael over for dinner whenever they’re not busy and he accepts every time. So really, this situation shouldn’t be as scary as it is.

Except for the fact that he’s in his teenage daughter’s room. Messy hair, rumpled clothes and nothing but his shorts and tank top on.

Michael tries to raise his hands to defend himself but he realizes that his grip on the edge of the window and the rope attached to Charlie’s window is the only thing stopping him from falling 20 feet so he just starts to speak.

“Listen I know this looks really bad but all we were doing was talking but it was 1in the morning and my dad locks everything at midnight so Charlie told me to sleep over and I swear to god that we were just sleeping and not anything else please don’t hate me Uncle Henry I didn’t do anything with your daughter you can even ask her.”

He says all this with a very quick, high-pitched voice with no pauses in between in hopes that he wouldn’t get interrupted. Henry blinks. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it just as quickly.

“Michael,” Charlie groans from the bed as she rolls around, her eyes still closed tightly. Both men turn their attention to them, “Why the fuck are you yelling so early in the-”

Her green eyes land on her dad and she gapes.

“Oh,” she breathes, “Hi dad.”

Henry leaves the room after a small gentle lecture about inviting people over and then making them leave through the window is honestly very suspicious. After he goes downstairs to make breakfast the two of them look at each other, then look away blushing red. Charlie lets out a small chuckle into her knees. Michael quickly follows suit and soon they were both cackling openly into the early morning air.

“I’m sorry,” Michael tells her, a wide grin on his face as an aftertaste to the laughter. “I’m sorry Charlie.”

She laughs, “No this is simultaneously the worst and best way I’ve woken up in ages.” Charlie gets up, rubbing her eyes as she trudges to her washroom. “Go downstairs, dad makes really good pancakes on Fridays.”

-

She’s right, Henry Emily is the god of pancakes. Michael feels even more euphoria stuffing his face with the fluffy, delicate miniature form of whatever the hell a massage given to you by angels probably feels like than when he eats pizza and that’s saying a lot. Henry watches him in amusement from across the dinner table and he’s too hungry to even use his proper table manners that his parents forced into him.

“Are they starving you over there?” he chuckles, putting his glasses onto his face as he slides into the wooden chair.

“Sorry.” Michael says. He apologizes a lot, even when it’s not needed. “You make really good food Uncle Henry.”

“There’s no need to apologize Mike.” Henry tells him, stabbing his pancake with his fork, “You’re always welcome here.”

Michael laughs, “I’d come over more often if Father would let me - you’re a lot more chill than him.”

Henry’s lips press together at the mention of William and he breathes out his nose, “Michael,” he starts, “You’re doing fine over there, right?”

He pauses, then he looks up. Henry’s staring at him with an intent, concerned look. “Um, yeah. I’m fine.”

Michael’s not really sure what ‘not fine’ would be considered. He wasn’t getting hurt - at least, physically he was okay. Mentally he probably could’ve been doing better. William doesn’t yell that much, not because he was soft spoken, it was because he didn’t have to yell to get Michael’s attention. His very presence was menacing enough, it wrapped itself around his neck and made his throat go dry when he returns home. It’s even worse when he knows he’s in a bad mood.

At least he’s not hitting me.

Michael never really took his feelings seriously.

Henry interrupts his thinking. “So, Michael, why were you in Charlie’s room this morning?”

“Hm?” He pretends he doesn’t hear, the tips of his ears blushing red and a pit of embarrassment pooling in his stomach. It was only funny because it was so absurd and Charlie’s laugh was infectuous but looking back, he wanted to die.

“Why weren’t you at home this morning?” he repeats and Michael wants to crawl into a hole and perish.

“Uh, we were just talking. About. Stuff.”

Nice save Mike.

Before Henry can answer he decides to change the topic to avoid death by embarrassment, “Um, Uncle Henry - where did you meet Charlie’s mom?”

Michael really needs to learn how to shut up. This conversation was like, a hundred times worse than the last one.

Henry blinks, then he tilts his head like he needs to absorb the ridiculousness of the question before answering. “We met - well,” he scratches his head, “I don’t remember how we met. We kind of just… always knew each other. I can’t remember a moment of my life before I knew Sam.”

Michael nods, “How’d you start dating?”

Henry goes red and bites his lip as he closes his eyes at the question. Michael frowns. “We never dated, actually.”

“Then how did - Oh!” Michael gasps, “Oh - that’s - oh, well, um.” He smiles awkwardly, “That was rude - I’m sorry for asking.”

Despite the blush that formed on his cheeks, Henry found it in himself to laugh at the boy’s reaction. “It’s fine my boy - it was years ago and we were both stupid.”  “And drunk.” Henry mutters under his breath as he reaches for the orange juice beside him but Michael thankfully doesn’t catch it.

Michael knows maybe three things about how is father and mother met. She admittedly despised his guts for a good couple of months according to Henry and his father was set on one upping her by making her fall for him. He didn’t actually have any feelings for her until about 8 months later. Michael finds it hard to believe that such a gentle person like his mother would ever fall for his dad. It’s even more confusing that his father actually fell in love with someone.

Michael doesn’t really remember much about his mother. He was 11 when she died of her illness and the memories he had of her - though all of them were good - were slowly seeping out of his mind like water in cupped hands, slipping through the cracks until there was nothing left. There are pictures of her on the walls and Henry always told him anything he wanted to know but he felt a type of self hatred when he realized he can’t remember her laugh, or the precise colour of her eyes, or the words she taught him in Spanish. Elizabeth looked almost exactly like her; her strawberry blonde hair, the green of her eyes and her toothy smile were all traits passed down from their mother. She’s dead too now, so he can’t remember as much as he’d like.

Evan, he remembers, was the perfect combination of his parents. He had his father’s dark hair and blue eyes but his mother’s soft gaze and soft features.  Michael looks like his father. Exactly like him, actually. It drove him insane.

Charlie’s footsteps thunder down the stairs with a newfound speed. Her hair is wrapped in a towel and she’s wearing a discarded t-shirt that she found on her bed with biker shorts; all in all, she looks very intense for breakfast.

He barely has time to look at her before she grabs him by the shoulder and drags him out of his chair with a yelp into the living room as Henry watches him. Michael looks up at her in disbelief at the firm group she had on his arm; he knew she was strong but this girl was some kind of superhuman despite being half a foot shorter than him (which honestly makes her quite tall seeing as he was 6’2)

She shoves him onto the floral couch, he lands with an ‘oomph’ and stares at her incredulously.

“Okay, first of all, that was really fucking rude of you-”

“Shut up pretty boy,” she interrupts him taking out a chunky wooden box from god knows where and holding it up, “Have you met my aunt?”

Michael squints in bewilderment at the sudden interrogation, “What? No?”

“I wouldn’t blame you - sometimes I forget about her too.” Michael frowns at that.

“How do you forget about your aunt?” he asks slowly.

“Because I’ve never met her either,” she answers simply, opening the box to reveal a collection of papers and photos with a woman on it, “She’s only ever sent me postcards and letters. And I mean, she sounds cool and stuff but like, I’m seventeen years old and I’ve never seen her in person before.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

“I’m getting to that - let me speak Mike,” Charlie rolls her eyes and Michael gapes at her in indignation, “Fun fact about Aunt Jen: she lives in California and she’s wanted me to come over since foreverso,” she makes eye-contact with him with a winning smile, “I think we have our ticket to stopping our dads from getting together.”

Michael’s mouth twists into a grin and he gets up to embrace Charlie in a bear hug, hand on her neck as he squeezes her body. “I’m so glad you’re a nerd.”

Charlie slaps his forehead in response. “ One of us has to be.”

[blouisparadise]

Here are some great bottom Louis fics that were posted or completed during the month of June. We really hope you enjoy this list. Happy reading!

1) Until You’re Home | Explicit | 1039 words

Louis lives in London, Harry lives in Tokyo. They make it work.

2) He Holds My Paradise | Mature | 1332 words 

“What is it that you want, baby?”

“Your dick” Louis breaths out, choking on his own words, neck still covered by his boyfriend’s hand.

“And where do you want it, baby?” the Devil asks him, a satisfied smirk painting his lips. “in my pussy, please.”

3) Morning | Explicit | 1428 words 

Harry and Louis wake up and have a 'productive' morning in the shower ;)

4) Let's Go To The Beach | General Audiences | 1489 words 

Note: This fic contains no explicit smut, but since it’s omega Louis, we’ve included it. This is a sequel. Part one of this fic is #6 on this list. 

"Louis," Harry repeated.

"Right," Louis sighed. "He tried to scent me."

or the one where Louis has a meeting with an aggressive alpha and Harry calms Louis down.

5) Sweet Relief, Pretty Please | Not Rated | 1840 words 

Louis is drunk, sad and alone, and Harry is a wanker.

6) Hey Moon, Don't You Fall Down | Mature | 2574 words 

Note: The sequel to this fic is #4 on this list. 

"Make me yours," Louis opened his eyes and put his hands on Harry's shoulders. "I'm ready, alpha, always been ready for you. Since the first day we met, I was yours. Please," Louis gasped as Harry slid his fingers out of him.

or the one where Harry and Louis finally bond.

7) Nothing Like Anything | Explicit | 2614 words 

Harry is bored of his frat parties. No one interesting comes anyway.It's always drunk people, grinding in the living room, strangers trying to catch his eye. He's about to leave, just to ease his pounding head when he sees him, sinful on the dance floor and suddenly the party isn't so bad.

8) Over Exposed - Part Two| Explicit | 2840 words

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

Harry and Louis take a quick break from Harry's tour to attend the VMAs, then have a night out at a club.

9) Sweet Vanilla Cream | Explicit | 2896 words 

Harry fights to resist his roommate's new omega boyfriend, Louis. Louis maybe doesn't want him to resist.

10) Take Off Your Glasses | Mature | 3742 words

Louis was enjoying his time, as he decided to spend his weekend clubbing, Louis knows no one in there, yet someone wanted to mess with him to know who's Louis the attractive boy in the black skirt.

"It’s Louie.. Sir."

11) Rose’s Fortune | Mature | 5055 words 

Note: This fic contains no explicit smut but since it’s a/b/o we’ve decided to include it in this monthly roundup.

Omega Louis takes one of his siblings to the doctors (check up, possible broken bone or possibly injections?) and the new Dr is Alpha Harry. Harry is great with kids and Louis is smitten. Harry is smitten too but attempts to act professionally and keep his distance whenever Louis visits the Drs with his siblings or to pick up his prescriptions. But Harry realises there is no reason for him not to make a move as Louis isn't under his care.

12) Dare You To Move | Not Rated | 6060 words 

The one where Harry falls in love with the omega who is the brain behind the omega march he joined.

13) Savage Garden’s Song Rules Sometimes (While Yours Always Reign Supreme) | Explicit | 6261 words 

Note: This fic is a sequel to this fic.

The morning after one too many nights of isolation for Louis Tomlinson and his hot & dangerous boy.

Aka how insanely adorkable Harry Styles could be after a sulking episode. [wordplay edition]

14) I Can Feel Your Blood Pressure Rise | Explicit | 9292 words 

"Hello, your Highness," Harry heard a familiar voice coming from behind him. Chills ran down his body as he felt the coldness of something sharp poke the back of his neck, "Turn around slowly or I'll hurt you,” the voice said in a teasing tone.

Where Louis is some sort of Robin Hood and sneaks into the King's castle, only to be fucked hard.

15) You Know What They Say | Explicit | 10323 words 

Nice guys always finish last.

16) Teenage Dream | Explicit | 10333 words

Harry and Louis get reintroduced to each other by their friends. It’s an instant connection. Now they’ve just gotta get to know each other.

17) Move So Petty (You're All I See) | Explicit | 10548 words 

Harry’s pretty content with his life. He loves his job- a veterinarian at a local clinic who’s already built up a name for himself despite his young age. He loves his gorgeous flat with its wide, open space and minimalistic, yet still homey feel. He loves his family who he talks to and visits as much as possible, not bothered by the long hours of driving to Holmes Chapel from London he endures multiple times a month. He loves his friends and his coworkers and his neighbors- especially Allison, the little old lady next door who brings him and Louis cookies on holidays and who always comments on how “strong and handsome you are, Mr. Styles,” everytime he sees her.

And most importantly, he loves Louis, just- maybe in a slightly different way.

18) When Tomorrow Comes | Explicit | 11111 words 

The one where Louis is an Omega who has been keeping himself pure for his Alpha, Harry is a traditional Alpha focusing on his studies while he waits to find his bondmate, and Niall is a sneaky bastard who keeps borrowing Louis’ clothes and never returning them.

19) Smells Like Omega Spirit | Not Rated | 11769 words 

Note: This fic contains no explicit smut, but since it’s omega Louis, we’ve included it.

Louis is an omega doing a test run on neutralizers for a class project. Every time he talks to Harry he smells completely different.

Harry is an alpha who can't figure out if he's going crazy or his sense of smell is broken, but all he wants to figure out what Louis' real scent is.

Somehow they figure it out.

20) You Kill My Mind | Explicit | 13181 words 

Harry has always been ashamed to reveal his kinks to friends and partners alike. One day he meets a man who seems perfectly designed for him and they embark on a wonderful, sex-filled exploration journey.

21) In The Heat Of The Moment | Mature | 15743 words 

When Louis unexpectedly goes into heat in maths class it takes him way too long to figure out why (it might have something to do with a certain curly haired boy sitting next to him).

22) Was In No Hurry, Had No Worries | Explicit | 21485 words 

The year is 1999 and Harry can’t stop dedicating songs to Louis on the radio. Or the one where Harry hits Louis with his car.

23) You're The Smell Before Rain, You're The Blood In My Veins | Explicit | 21945 words 

“It was him you talked about, when you used to call me late at night, saying you were missing your ex? Was it him, your important five-year long story? Was it him the person you had thought about proposing, one day?” Nick asks with a low voice, almost inaudible, almost like he’s talking to himself “He’s my boyfriend…” he whispers again, without looking up.

“I know! And you shouldn’t worry, because you don’t have a single reason to do so. He’s yours now, he’s with you. I really don’t understand why you came here, honestly” Harry says defending himself out of instinct, even if he has no reason to react like that. He just- just wishes for Nick to leave his room and go back home to Louis. Because at this point Nick has Louis and fuck, why can’t he just go fuck off for once? Doesn’t he have enough shit do deal with already? Does he really need to get into this as well? Right now?

24) Like The Earth Around The Sun | Explicit | 23600 words 

The one where Harry bursts in on Louis in heat and things only get more complicated from there.

25) The Blood of Love | Explicit | 25273 words 

Harry is a nurse and Louis is a painting worth more than a thousand words. As desire and darkness encompasses him, Harry has to learn the secrets of Thorne Hills manor before he succumbs to the mystery that surrounds him.

26) Habit | Teen & Up | 27095 words 

In which Louis is a Donna who has a soft spot for alpha Harry.

27) Let Me Carry Your Weight | Explicit | 28633 words 

Louis is fresh out of a bad relationship with someone who made him feel awful about how he looked. on his journey to better himself, he meets harry - the ridiculously attractive and fit personal trainer.

28) Robbers And Cowards | Explicit | 33237 words 

A modern day Robin Hood AU where Louis and Harry (don’t really) hate each other but they hate greedy billionaires more.

29) Caves End | Explicit | 39711 words 

The one where Harry has lost his future, Louis has lost his past, but maybe together, they can find a way through the dark.

30) Soaked In The Blood Of Angels | Explicit | 40867 words 

The boy looks drugged, caught between a man who’s almost twice his size and a girl who looks like she wouldn’t even break a sweat snapping him in half despite her small stature, eyes closed and mouth open as he pants, arching up between them almost as if he’s trying to escape.

Normally, Harry would ignore it and continue on his search for someone to drink from, someone who wouldn’t mind his sharp teeth and rough hands. He’s seen plenty of boys like this one, ones who picked the wrong playmates, and if he stopped to rescue every single one of them he would have died from thirst a long time ago.

This one, though. There’s something about this one, the sheen of his bright blue eyes as he blinks slowly, looks around as though he doesn’t know where he is, the weakness of his hands as he tries to push the girl off of him and make his escape.

31) With Stars Of Brightest Gold | Explicit | 41109 words 

Louis Tomlinson is the premier courtesan at the Moulin Rouge. In his dreams, he has always wanted to be a famous stage actor. Locked into his contract, he has little means of escape until a handsome duke promises him freedom with a romantic alliance. Due to a case of mistaken identity playwright Harry Styles is thrown into the mix, compelling Louis to choose between his head or his heart.

32) We Both Got Nothing To Hide | Explicit | 43811 words 

Omega Louis has a secret nest. Alpha Harry keeps losing his clothes.

33) In A World Alone | Explicit | 50787 words 

Harry’s breath catches as the glow grows bigger and bigger until he’s squinting his eyes and blinking at the sudden intense brightness. He closes his eyes, rubbing at them helplessly. When his eyes open again- he gasps, grip loosening on his bow as he gawks at the sight before him.

Because the swan is gone.

And in its place is the prettiest omega Harry has ever seen.

A Swan Lake AU.

34) Hunting Ground | Not Rated | 583658 words 

Note: This fic is the third part of a series. Part two is #38 in this list.

Louis Tomlinson didn’t know how complicated life could be until he became a werewolf. And until he was mated to Harry Styles, the son — and enforcer — of Liam, the leader of the North American werewolves, he didn’t know how dangerous it could be either...

Louis and Harry have just been enlisted to attend a summit to present Liam's controversial proposition: that the wolves should finally reveal themselves to humans. But the most feared Alpha in Europe is dead set against the plan — and it seems like someone else might be too. When Louis is attacked by vampires using pack magic, the kind of power only werewolves should be able to draw on, Harry and Louis must combine their talents to hunt down whoever is behind it all — or risk losing everything.

35) The Wrath of the Emerald Eyes | Mature | 85205 words 

His chin is grabbed harshly, facing the two deep green eyes that have been getting on his nerves for the past ten minutes. The smirk on the man's face does not vanish. The grip of his hand on Louis' chin does not soften, his thumb at the side of his lower lip.

His smile widens as he answers Louis' question, ''My name is Styles, but you will call me Captain."

Pirate AU.

36) Cry Wolf | Not Rated | 85205 words 

Note: This fic is the second part of a series. Part three is #36 in this list.

Louis never knew werewolves existed, until the night he survived a violent attack... and became one himself. After three years at the bottom of the pack, he'd learned to keep his head down and never, ever trust dominant wolves. Then Harry Styles, the enforcer—and son—of the leader of the North American werewolves, came into his life.

Harry insists that not only is Louis his mate, but he is also a rare and valued Omega wolf. And it is Louis' inner strength and calming presence that will prove invaluable as he and Harry go on the hunt in search of a rogue werewolf—a creature bound in magic so dark that it could threaten all of the pack.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

You can find other monthly roundup fic rec lists here.

[what-is-your-plan-today]

Riding On  Ch4: Full Steeb Ahead

Summary: Frank is determined to get Fliss to hear him out. But will she believe him?

Warnings: Bad Language words.

Pairing: Frank Adler x Fliss Gallagher

A/N: Hopefully after this @sweater-daddiesdumbdork will stop chasing me. As always, thanks to my unofficial beta @icanfeelastormbrewing​ for the usual inputs and opinions.  Chapter Song: Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script

Series Masterlist //  WIYPT Masterlist

People talk about the guy that’s waiting on a girl. There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world.

Frank woke early the next morning, well, maybe woke was an exaggeration seeing as he probably managed about an hour of straight sleep, if that. The rest was spent in small dozing periods of 20, maybe 30 minutes at a time.  His neck was stiff from laying on the couch, as was his back and deciding he would give up trying to get comfortable he sat up, stretching his muscles out before he ran a hand down his tired face.

It was still dark outside and he reached for his phone. It had just gone 6 am, which meant he had an hour or so before the house started to wake. Standing up, he grabbed the shirt he had discarded the night before and shoving it on he located his sneakers. Once they were on his feet he grabbed his keys and as quietly as he could let himself out of the house, locking the door behind him as he headed down the little pathway which led to the main one through their little estate.

He walked down past the harbour and the little garages which were starting to open, nodding to a few of the guys he used to see knocking around when he had worked there, continuing past the little row of bait and tackle shops, past the small café, before he reached the path that led along the rocky sea defence. He followed the sandy pathway down to the boardwalk along the beach and continued for as long as he could, his feet treading over the well-worn wooden slats, some of which were loose in places, before it ended and he hit the soft sand. He headed onto the beach, it was almost deserted apart from a few early morning dog walkers, which suited him fine.

The ocean always calmed him. He had no idea why, but it had done ever since he was a kid. He’d adored those family holidays taken before it all went to rat shit, memories of him, his father and his sister playing on the sand whilst his mother read a book shaded by a parasol, every so often looking up to observe what was going on before returning back to whatever latest theory she was reading up on.  And then at night, they would eat with a family, late walks on the beach were always a treat, watching the dark water as it lapped against the shore, his dad making up random tales about Peg Legged Pirates searching for treasure which was always buried not far from where they were stood.

He’d done the same with Mary, telling her the same tales he could remember and making up new ones when he couldn’t. She didn’t buy them anymore, she was far too old for her age, but he couldn’t wait to tell them to Bean when he or she arrived, see their little face light up as they glanced over the ocean searching for ghostly ships or dug in the sand for imaginary treasure.

He reached the water’s edge and looked out at the horizon for a few minutes taking in the detail of the sky which was lit up in hues of purple and orange as the sun hovered a few meters or so above the place where the sea hit the sky and he took a deep breath, trying to calm his mind. He was in a mess, a mess that was entirely his own doing, and he felt utterly powerless to fix it. If he couldn’t get Fliss to listen to him…well, he didn’t even want to think about that. But the more he tried not to, the more he did. He couldn’t lose her, not over some stupid misunderstanding like this. Pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to ease the tension headache that was already forming behind his eyes, not helped by the lack of sleep, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to re-centre himself. He finally had everything he hadn't even realised he needed and losing it was not an option. He had to fix this. With one last deep breath he turned to take the 15 minutes or so walk back home.

The house was still quiet when he got back in but he could hear the sounds of the shower meaning Fliss was up. He headed into the bedroom, Thor raising his head from where he was led on the bed, and he bent over to give the dog a scratch behind the ear. He pulled out a clean pair of jeans, a T-shirt and a pair of boxers, tossing them down on the pale blue bed covers, his head turning to face Fliss as she walked into the room, towel wrapped around her, hair piled in a messy bun on her head. His heart gave an instant pang as he took in how tired she looked, the guilt flooding over him as he knew it was his fault.

“Where did you go?” she asked him, her voice soft. “I heard the door.”

“For a walk.” he said, “Just to the beach. Needed some air.”

She looked at him for a moment before she nodded and moved to the dresser to pull out her clothes for the day.

“Can we talk?” he asked her tentatively and she stopped, straightening up before she looked at him.

“I told you last night, I’ve nothing to say.”

“No, but I have.” he pressed, “Lissy please…just hear me out, let me explain.”

She licked her lips and took a deep breath before she sighed “Fine, when Mary’s gone to school. But I have clients at 9 and I need to pick Rupert up so I’m leaving here at 8:15 no later.”

“Ok.” he nodded, giving her a small smile before he headed into the bathroom for a shower.

Breakfast was a little subdued, but he had to give Fliss her credit. She was polite and civil to him, even if she wasn’t affectionate. But it didn’t fool Mary. She asked him as he walked her down to the bus stop what was going on, and not being one to lie to her, he told her truthfully that he’d been an idiot over the weekend and needed to apologise to Fliss. At that she shot him a filthy look.

“You better fix things or I will kill you and hate you forever.” she said before she turned and stormed towards the waiting bus.

You and me both, Short Stack.

When he got back Fliss was waiting for him like she said she would be, sat at the table. She looked at him as he sat on the seat at the end, so he was to her right and facing her. She glanced at her watch “You got 15 minutes.” “Lissy, those photos…” Frank dove straight in, he had not time to waste and even if he did, he didn’t want to. This was eating him up inside “I know they look bad…”

“No shit sherlock…”

“I swear to God, nothing happened.”

“Nothing happened.” She repeated, looking at him and he shook his head.

“Nothing.”

“Then how the fuck did she end up on your knee Frank?”

He took a deep breath “In all honestly I only know from what Simon and Greg told me.” he said, “I was drunk, I’d already pushed her away earlier in the night and she came over with her friends, one of them was getting into one of the guys Jake works with and she just sat on my knee. Apparently it took me a while but in the end I told her to get lost. I was quite rude to her, so they say.”

“You look fairly comfortable with her on your lap in the photo.” Fliss said after a moment, her voice quiet. The hurt in her tone made Frank feel even more like shit, as she wasn’t screaming or shouting which to be honest he was fairly sure he would have dealt with a whole lot better. “And in the other photo where you look like you’re about to kiss her.”

“Baby, I swear to you seconds after that I told her no. I’d just bumped into her and she was falling so I grabbed her to make sure she didn’t as that was the second time I’d nearly kno-“

“The second time?” Fliss looked at him and Frank closed his eyes, letting out a groan. “So you accidently nearly kissed her before.”

“No, that’s not-“ “Keep digging Frank, because that hole you’re in is getting deeper and deeper by the second.” she shook her head, looking away.

“I nearly knocked her over before.” he said, “Round the pool. I’d just finished talking to you, turned round and bumped straight into her.” “Right, and she just happened to be there in the club then after you ‘bumped’…” she framed the words with her fingers “…into her?”

“Again, full honestly, no, I don’t think she did” he shook his head “She was flirty. Made some comment or other when I said I’d watch where I was going about how she hoped not, and then we saw them on the Friday night too in one of the bars…”

Fliss looked at him and shook her head “The irresistible Adler charm eh?” Her voice carried a note of sarcasm, and Frank shook his head.

“Baby I’m just being honest here, telling you the truth. She was with a group on a 21st and I think they just saw a gang of guys and…” he shrugged “I dunno…they screwed Aaron, Chad and Jeff out of plenty of drinks so...” Fliss licked her lips and looked down, her hands fiddling with the now empty glass in her hands.

“Sweetheart, I get why you’re mad, I really do…and maybe I should have told her to fuck off sooner…”

“Maybe?” “Alright, not maybe, I should have but…I swear to god I didn’t kiss her, I didn’t sleep with her…nothing happened” He reached for her hand, his fingers gently squeezing hers “I love you, more than I can even begin to explain, and our Bean…the thought of being with anyone else never crosses my mind.”

She looked at him, then down at his hand which was over hers before she took a deep breath. Her head was a mash. Half of her wanted to believe him, his face and his words were so sincere and he’d never lied to her before, ever. But the other half…those damned photos. And either way, whether he had kissed her or not, he had been far too close, and she’d sat on his fucking knee long enough for someone to get a picture.

“You do believe me, right?” Frank asked, his eyes locking onto hers.

“Honestly?” she asked.

“Always.” he nodded.

“I don’t know what to believe…” she said, before she pulled her hand away and stood up, “I have to go. I’ll see you tonight.”

*****

“Hey Titch…” Steve greeted Fliss as she walked into the annex and instantly frowned when he saw her face “You ok?”

“Yeah…I’m fine.” She shrugged, not wanting to talk about what was happening anymore. She was tired. “Where’s Roo?”

“He’s out back.” Steve frowned “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit nothing.” he said, looking at her. She looked away as the tears filled her eyes and she turned to her brother shaking her head.

“Just Frank…and…”

“What’s he done?” Steve asked

“I don’t know.” Fliss said, her tears trickling down her face. “That’s just it…”

Steve put the coffee mug he was holding down on the side and swept his sister into his arms. “Hey, come on…”

She pressed her face into his grey t-shirt as his arms wrapped around her and she simply cried the tears she’d been holding back all morning. Eventually Steve pulled back and looked down at her, letting out a soft sigh. “What’s going on Lissy?”

She moved to take out her phone and wordlessly scrolled to the offending photos which she had saved and handed the phone to him. “There’s another one…” she said, as she saw her brother’s face darken. Steve swiped across and let out a huff through his nose.

“Ok.” he nodded “They don’t look great. What’s he had to say about them?”

Fliss swallowed “That he was drunk, and moments after the first one he pushed the girl away and on the second one…well, he says he told her to get lost too but…” “But you don’t believe him?”

“I don’t know Steve, that’s the problem.” she shrugged “I want to believe him, and he’s never lied to be before…and then there’s the message he sent me about being in someone else’s room and…”

“Hang on…someone else’s room?”

Fliss nodded and explained the whole mix up, about how he had been with Simon but even that she was having her doubts about now and Steve listened, his hand running over his beard as he took in her words.

“Have you talked to any of the other guys that were there?” he asked and she shook her head.

“Bonnie tried calling me before but, well to be honest they’re all gonna cover for him, even if he did do it aren’t they? I mean fuck…, seeing those damned photos…it was humiliating and…”

Steve sighed, handing her the phone back. “Look, Lissy, I’ve been in this position before. Some woman all over me and Sian getting the hump. Photos are a snap shot in time, they never tell the whole story…you know that as well as anyone.”

“Yeah, but the same girl is there, on his fucking lap Steve…”

“I know, and yes, regardless of what he did he shouldn’t have let that happen but…fucking hell, he was in Vegas, pissed out of his brains.” Steve sighed “I’m not excusing it, before you start, and I’m not dismissing your worry but…I dunno Liss, just don’t jump to any conclusions ok? Give it some thought.” “I can’t think about anything else.” she murmured. “God you’re just like dad.” Steve chuckled “Could be worse people to be like. Look, go to work, get your thoughts straight and if you’re adamant at the end of the day you still don’t believe him then just come here for the night and we’ll take it from there ok?”

Fliss nodded and wiped at her face “Thanks Steve.” “What are big brother’s for huh?” She smiled and then eyed him a little “You’re not gonna do anything stupid are you?” “Define stupid?” “Like go round there and punch him?” Steve shook his head “I promise, no punching.” Satisfied he was telling her the truth she whistled for both dogs who came trotting over, bid her brother goodbye and headed out to her jeep.

****** With nothing else much to do on his day off, Frank was busy scrolling the internet looking at realtor pages. Whilst things were still up in the air, it was helping him focus on being positive, because being anything else was not an option. So far nothing in particular had grabbed his eye but still, it was keeping him occupied as he tried to push the fear he was harbouring to the back of his mind.

He was pulled from his browsing by a knock to the door. Setting the laptop to one side he stood up and headed down the hallway and no sooner had he opened the door someone had gripped the collar of his shirt and shoved him harshly into the wall. It took him a split second to focus and when he realised who it was he gripped the front of them man’s shirt and pushed back. There was a little scuffle in the hallway until Frank managed to free himself from the man’s grip before he stood there, glaring at him, chest heaving.

“Fuck off Steve…” he glared at him.

“I warned you.” Steve looked at him “I told you what would happen if you hurt her Frank…”

“Yes, I remember what you said.” Frank looked at him, shaking his head.

“And yet you still did it…” “Oh get fucked, this has nothing to do with you…” “Piss off Frank, it has everything to do with me.” Steve snarled “She turned up this morning for the dog in a right state. Showed me the photos.”

Frank sighed and hung his head. He should have expected this.

“I told her not to jump to conclusions, trying to keep her calm but I gotta admit Frank…they look pretty damning.”

“I’m aware of that, thanks.” Frank bit back “And you know what, I don’t need this. Things are enough of a mess as it is without adding a brawl with you into the equation.” he turned back to head into the living room “Close the door on your way out.”

“Look me in the eye, tell me you didn’t…” Steve said to his back and Frank stopped, shaking his head as he turned to face him.

“Of course I didn’t. I’d never do that to her.”

Frank met Steve’s glare with one of his own and he could practically see the man’s mind whirring. Eventually he took a deep breath and jerked his head in a stiff nod.

“I had to know Frank.” he said, his tone less confrontational, and Frank knew Steve well enough to understand that was as much of an apology as he was going to get. Frank didn’t say anything, simply turned away once more and headed into the lounge.

“So what happened?” Steve asked following him.

“I was shit faced, that’s what happened.” Frank sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. He turned to look at Steve once more “The girl was part of a group that we’d bumped into a few times. She was a little flirty and yeah, I talked to her, but… she was a fucking kid they were there on a 21st party.”

Steve arched an eyebrow slightly as Frank pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

“She tried kissing me in the bar, I pushed her away. I don’t even know how she ended upon my lap but I told her to get lost and…” he shrugged and looked at Steve “There’s nothing more to it…”

“And the morning after when you woke up elsewhere?”

Frank let out a groan “I was in Simon’s room. I passed out…we both did. Liss called me that morning, she even heard Simon on the phone…” Steve watched him carefully as Frank simply shook his head “I’ve explained all this to her…”

“I know.” Steve said “I just wanted to hear it for myself.” he took a deep breath “Any coffee going?”

Frank looked at him and Steve gave him a small smile, causing Frank’s spirit to lift somewhat. Her brother believed him, which was the best thing he could have hoped for in the circumstances.

“Sure…” Frank nodded and headed to the kitchen, Steve following. He made them both a drink, not another word spoken until he handed him a mug and Steve took a sip, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Look, Frank, I don’t think she believes you cheated, not really. From what she said to me I think she’s more upset really about how she found out.”

“She wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for those damned photos because there is nothing to find out.” Frank shook his head.

“When she told you about John…did she ever mention his little photo stunts?” Steve looked at Frank and Frank paused, frowning a little as he racked his brains, and then a conversation one stormy night as they lay in bed suddenly flashed into his mind.

“He used to go out and deliberately let women paw at him, and instead of hiding any photo evidence he used to simply flaunt it, splash it all over Facebook. That’s why I de-activated all my social media until recently…”

“Fuck.” Frank groaned, shaking his head.

“Manipulation.” Steve said, his jaw set “He would never do anything with the girls but he made Lissy think he had and would then accuse her of being jealous, and paranoid. Was his twisted of getting her to come off social media, another way to isolate her, keep her in line.”

“She doesn’t think that’s what I was doing?” Frank looked at Steve, a horrified expression on his face.

“God, no.” Steve shook his head, “She knows you’re not that man…but Frank, as happy and as safe as she is, those scars are gonna be there for a long time.” “I know.” “And I know that the fact that ass hole could still be casting a shadow over everything you have, especially now he’s well out of the picture, is basically really shit, but…” “I should have remembered.” Frank shook his head. “But, well, to be honest I’ve never had to explain myself like that to any girl, let alone the one I want to spend my life with and I was so caught up in getting her to believe me, I didn’t even consider any of that. Looks like I just fucked things up even more.”

“She’ll come round.” Steve looked at him. “Just give her time.” “I hope you’re right.” Frank shrugged “Because if she doesn’t I’ll never forgive myself.”

****

Fliss groaned as she looked at the caller ID on her phone. It was Bonnie again.

“Fucks sake…” She grumbled, before answering, deciding to get it over and done with.

“Finally!” Bonnie said, “I’ve been so worried about you…”

“Look, Bonnie I’m really busy…”

“Just 5 minutes…hear me out, please.”

“If you’re gonna start pleading Frank’s case…”

“There’s no case to plead. Simon told me everything last night, apparently about 30 seconds after she’d perched on his knee Frank suddenly realised what was going on and told her to fuck off.” “Well he would say that, he’s his friend…”

“Oh come on Fliss…” Bonnie made an exasperated noise “First off I can tell when Simon is lying, and he wasn’t, and second off, do you really think Frank would cheat on you?”

“I’m sick of everyone telling me what I should and shouldn’t think.” Fliss practically snarled “I don’t have time for this.”

She cut the call and shoved her phone back into her pocket, her hand gently sliding over her bump.

“You know, people are only trying to help Titch.”

Fliss spun round to see her brother in the doorway to the office and she let out a groan “I thought you were over to do work…” “I am…meetings start tomorrow.”

“Right, well, go and find something else to do. I’m busy.”

“Don’t get shitty with me…” Steve frowned.

“Steve just…fuck off!” Fliss exploded “I can’t deal with…” she stopped and shook her head “Why can’t everyone just leave me alone.” “Because they’re trying to help.” he said softly

“Well they’re not.” she sniffed

“Titch…look at me.” Steve said gently and she raised her head to meet her brother’s eyes, her own watering with tears.  “Do you hand on heart believe he would cheat on you…seriously?”

“I didn’t…”

“So why do you now?”

“I don’t know if I do…it’s just those photos and…” “Fuck the photos.” Steve said, his voice a little sterner. “You know full well they never tell a full story.” Fliss swallowed as she looked at her brother, as he continued.

“Do you truly think Frank is the type of man who would, after everything you two went through, jump into bed with some tramp in Vegas whilst this pregnant fiancée is at home, looking after his niece?”

Fliss looked down at the floor, her tears falling down her cheeks.

“Because I don’t Liss.” Steve continued “Especially not now he looked me in the eye and said he hasn’t.”

At that her head jerked up and she frowned. “You went round?”

“Yeah.”

“Steve you promised not to!”

“No, I promised not to punch him. And I didn’t.” he shrugged, not a shred of apology in his tone. “I talked to him, asked him straight to explain to my face.”

“And you believe him?”

“Yeah I do believe him, completely. I think he was drunk, and at worst potentially indulged the girl a little over the days they were there, which, ok, he shouldn’t have done but at worst he’s guilty of nothing but allowing some 21 year old kid to flirt with him a little.  And if that’s a crime then, fuck, you better shoot me along with half the population now.”

Liss looked away, her brother’s words ringing in her head. Truth was they hit home. She had always been a flirty person by nature, it was just the way she was…well, had been until John beat it out of her. But Frank, well, Frank had never bothered about her talking to other men before because he knew she was his…

“Is this really about him, or is this all to do with that fucker again?” Steve asked.

Fliss gave a snort and looked up at Steve. “Can you read minds?”

“No, you just get this look on your face whenever you think about him.”

She stayed silent.

“Frank isn’t John” Steve spoke gently.

“I know that Steve…”

“So stop comparing the two.”

“I’m not.”

“Ok, really? So tell me honestly when you saw those photos your mind didn’t go to his party trick of being photographed with every girl he could manage to on a night out to rub your nose in it, whether he cheated or not?”

“I know that’s not what Frank was doing.” she shook her head. And she did, truly. Frank would never manipulate her like that but she would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about it, and how shit it made her feel “I just…”

“You’re waiting for something to come along and fuck everything up for you.” Steve said, looking at her.  “Which I get, I really do Titch because of everything you’ve been through but you need to stop looking over your shoulder and worrying about what you think is gonna happen, and simply look at what is, because if you don’t then eventually you’re just going to fuck it all up for yourself.”

Fliss turned away from her brother, his words cutting her to the core. He was right. She was, whether consciously or not, constantly wondering when her happiness was going to shatter around her because all she had ever known in a relationship was pain and anger. Some days she would wake before Frank and lie there, watching his face as he slept, committing every single detail right down to those freckles that spattered his nose and cheek, unable to believe how lucky she was. Engaged to a man who asked her to marry him because he loved her and didn’t merely want to possess her. She had a home, not a house, a surrogate daughter in Mary, days filled with laugher and happiness, and a baby on the way. It was a dream for most people, including her and she was perpetually scared one day someone or something would take it all from her. Just as they always had before.

“You know, Frank told me that he’s never had to explain himself to a girl before…” Steve gave took a deep breath “He’s now petrified that being honest with you has just made things worse. Doesn’t that tell you something?” Fliss looked at her brother, taking in his words. This was all unchartered territory for Frank too. What they were building together was new. He wanted it and more importantly he wanted it with her. As that realisation washed over her so did another one, the understanding that he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise what they have.

“Look, what the pair of you have is special. Don’t let something as stupid as this ruin it all because you both deserve better than that.”

The tears in Fliss’ eyes began to spill down her cheeks and Steve sighed, pulling her to his chest, gently rocking her to and fro, simply allowing her to cry.

****

When Fliss got home Frank wasn’t there, but there was a Pandora Gift Bag sat on the coffee table. Curiosity got the better of her and she undid the bag, opening the box inside. It was a small stroller charm and she swallowed, placing the box back in the bag. She heard the door open and turned as Frank appeared in the doorway.

“Before you ask…” Frank nodded at the bag in her hand “I didn’t buy you that as a sweetener. I got that in Vegas before any of this kicked off.”

“I didn’t…” she shook her head, placing it back on the table “That wasn’t what I thought.”

He gave her a nod and she studied him for a second, before Mary bounced into the room.

“Hey!” Fliss smiled at her, “You had a good day.”

“Yeah, it was ok.” Mary nodded “They were all doing math today but I did some of my uni work whilst they did the times tables. Have you and Frank made up yet?”

Liss hesitated and Frank gently dropped his hand to the back of Mary’s head.

“We talked, and we still need to talk some more.” he said “Any chance you can give us some space?”

She eyed him for a moment before she shrugged “I got homework, I’ll be in my room.”

“Thanks Stack.” he smiled and she turned and headed back out of the room. Once she was out of ear shot Frank turned to Fliss.

“So I had a visit from Steve…”

“I heard.” Fliss said “I’m sorry I told him not to.”

“He was just being a big brother.” Frank shook his head “But I’m not gonna lie, he scared the shit out of me.” “Well he came to the yard after, fighting your corner. As has Bonnie…”

“Honey, I didn’t ask them to…”

“I know.” she said softly. There was a moment of silence before she sighed and shook her head. “Frank, I’m sorry…”

“Liss…”

“Let me finish, please.” she shook her head and Frank fell silent, his hands falling into the pockets of his jeans. “If I’m honest I don’t think I ever thought you’d really cheated, I guess…well I saw the photos and…” she trailed off, shrugging “I’m sorry for not believing you, but I’m still pissed at you for getting yourself in that position in the first place.”

Frank hesitated for a second. He was about to protest that he was just drunk, point out that he hadn’t meant to get himself in any position at all,  but then he stopped himself. She was angry and hormonal, and he’d rather have her pissed at him for being an idiot than believing he was unfaithful.

So instead he nodded “Ok that’s fair. I get it. And I’m sorry.”

She looked at him for a moment and he stepped forward to give her a hug but she simply moved back a little and gave him a small smile “I’ll start dinner…”

“Sure…” his voice was quiet. He wanted nothing than to hold her in his arms, run his hand over the place his baby was growing, her bump seemingly even bigger than it had been that morning but he also didn’t want to push it. She hadn’t left, she believed him, but she was pissed. However, Frank knew she would get over that in time…which he understood he had to give her, and respect the boundaries she set too. So, with that in mind he took a deep breath and followed her into the kitchen.

“Do you want me to help or…”

“No, it’s only stir fry.” she shook her head. “Did you already feed Mary or…”

He frowned and looked at her, and then realised what she was referring to. They hadn’t been home when she arrived.

“Oh, no…I picked her up and then ran my suit into the dry cleaners.” he said “It had something all over the front of it…god knows what.”

She nodded. “Ok, well it won’t be too long.”

“I���ll set the table then.” he nodded. He moved around, careful not to step into her space as he gathered the various items around and carrying them into the dining room. Once he had completed that he headed out telling Fliss he was going to wash up and tell Mary to do the same.

Fliss acknowledged him and continued with cooking, when suddenly she felt a really strange sensation in her stomach. It was like a fluttering, almost as if she had bubbles inside her belly, and then she realised instantly what it was.

Their baby had moved. And she’d just felt it for the first time.

Pausing what she was doing her hand fell to her bump as the tiny little sensations flooded her and she felt a smile creeping over her face.

“Hey Bean…” she said softly.

At that point Frank came back into the room and saw her, her hand on her bump, stood perfectly still, looking down at her belly and he frowned.

“Lissy?” he looked at her as she raised her head to look at him “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just felt Bean move!” she smiled, her eyes bright and Frank let out a grin.

“Really?” he stepped forward, his hand out but he paused. Fliss looked at him and he locked eyes with her. Fliss understood instantly, he was waiting for her to say it ok after she told him last night not to touch her.

He was asking her permission.

Instantly her heart melted towards him, she loved this man, with everything she had. And he loved her. She gently took his hand and pulled on it softly, and he closed the distance as she pressed his palm to her stomach, leaving her hand resting over his.

“I doubt you’ll feel it…it was just like bubbles, not really a kick or anything.” she said as he looked down before he raised his eyes back to her “But they can hear you now though, according to Mary’s extensive research.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded. Frank took a deep breath and knelt down, both his hands resting on the side of her belly as he grinned “Hey kid…you cooking well?”

Fliss felt the flutters again, a little stronger this time and she smiled, her hand running into Frank’s hair “They just did it again. They clearly know your voice, daddy.”

He glanced up at her, his eyes watering “I love you both so much.”

“I know.” she sniffed “I love you too.”

Frank stood up, his hands sliding up Fliss’ thighs to her hips and as he did, hers fell from his hair to his shoulders. They both stayed still, simply looking at one another till Frank leaned forward and gave her a soft kiss.

“This doesn’t mean I’ve completely forgiven you.” she muttered against his mouth and he smiled.

“I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it did.” he shrugged “But is it at least enough to get me off the couch? My back is killing me.”

“You wanna compare back ache?” she arched an eyebrow.

“No, no, not at all, obviously yours is far worse than mine could possibly be…”

Fliss narrowed her eyes. “Is that sarcasm?”

“Absolutely not.” he told her sincerely, shaking his head. His eyes, however, told her a different story. Those azure blues she knew and loved shone with humour, utterly betraying him.

“Hmmm, well I’ll think about it.” she said, her hands moving to pat his chest. “Now get lost, I need to finish dinner.”

Frank turned away, a smile on his face. As he always told Mary, an I’ll think about it wasn’t a no.

[dreams-of-a-lark]

(Lark and Elias’s first and last photos together)

TASK 1: THE LAST DAY

January 11, 2016 7:00 AM, EST 12:00 PM, GMT

“Lark, you know I love you—”

“Boring.”

“Mmm fair. It’s fine, I have others. How about this one? Lark, you mean more to me than—” 

“Erh! Nope. Try again.”

“Oh, come on, you barely let me start!”

“Boo hoo… I knew where you were going with it. Got anything else?”

“Just one more, I was saving this one for last. It’s the best one I have, so will you let me actually get going before you stop me this time?” 

“Maybe. Compel me and we’ll see. I want to see you dig into the deep recesses of your soul, pull out your raw, still-beating heart and lay it bare. Otherwise, what am I even here for?”

“You’re unbelievable. But fine… Ahem...” Elias closed his eyes and let out a deep, shuttered sigh, “Lark. Before I met you, I had lost almost all faith in humanity. I found it impossible to believe that anyone acted with genuinely good intentions. I was bitter, cynical, lonely… and then, just as I was on the precipice of giving up on people entirely, there you were. Right on time. This pure light, banishing all my shadows. You are everything I was once sure didn’t exist in reality, but also the most real thing I’ve ever encountered.

The sheer amount of love you have to give blows me away. Love isn’t something you keep a reserve of only for certain special people. For you, love permeates the air around you everywhere you go and anyone lucky enough to meet you or know you gets to breathe it freely. Lark, you are so good, with no expectations or conditions attached to it, but just because it’s your nature. You make me want to be better everyday now, whereas before… I was just working on the motivation to be, period point blank. 

I have had the unfathomable privilege to breathe your love everyday for the past eight years and I hope you’ve felt even a fraction of what you’ve given me reflected back to you. Because, Lark, I love you more than I have the words to say. I love you with every last bit of life in me and I want to love you and feel your love for just that long, until the very last bit of life leaves me and I’m returned to the earth. I don’t know where I’ll be in the next five, ten, fifty years, all I know is I want to be wherever you are. So, Lark Dorian Crain, will you marry me?”

A silence hung in the air accompanied only by a faint mechanical whirring and the low buzz of an LCD screen. Katie finally broke it, her voice glitching and tinny through Elias’s small laptop speakers, “Better.” She said simply.

“Seriously? That’s it?” Elias replied, his voice laden with shock and disappointment.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful, definitely a solid start. I almost teared up a few times. But, as all first drafts go, it could use some improvement.”

“It’s not my first draft, though…”

“Eh, feels like a first draft, love.”

“You know, sometimes it’s almost impossible to believe you’re related to Lark, let alone twins?”

“To be fair, do you know anyone in our family that’s really like Lark?”

“Eleanor.”

“Not related to us, stupid.”

“Mmm.. true. Ugh! Katydid... What do I Katy-do?”

“Well, for starters, you could never do whatever that just was again. Secondly, stop worrying about it, seriously. Knowing Lark, you could throw the ring across the deck and say, ‘go fetch if you wanna marry me’ and he’ll be running for it in an instant.”

Elias rolled his eyes, but smiled fondly at the thought of Lark bounding eagerly around the ship. It filled his heart whenever he thought of Lark’s joy, to think he had the power to bring so much of it to the surface baffled him endlessly.

“I’m so nervous,” he admitted.

“You don’t need to be,” Katie reassured him, “All jokes aside, it’s beautiful, and Lark loves you so much. You may not have moved me to tears, but you’ll definitely move him to tears. And then he’s going to blush like a damned schoolgirl and say yes a million times, like the sappy romantic he is.”

“You think so?”

“If he doesn’t, call an exorcist immediately, because that’s not Lark.”

Elias scoffed, but this was comforting encouragement to hear. Nothing he didn’t secretly already know, but it didn’t hurt to be reminded when he was feeling self-conscious. He breathed in deeply, filling up his cheeks with air, then puffing it back out through the small ‘o’ his mouth formed. 

“You’re right, I know.”

“I know you know. Listen, I’ve got to get back to work, love. I can call you when I get off, if you want, but you really should just enjoy your time with him today. Just act like it’s any other day... on a fancy cruise ship with the love of your life. Right?” 

Elias nodded, “Right. No need to call me back, you’re right. I’m just going to enjoy the day with him. Have a good day at work, I’m sure we’ll both call you after it happens.”

“I’ll be sure to hold the phone far away from my ear, so you all can squeal without busting my eardrums. Bye for now, then.”

“Alright. Bye Katie.”

The call ended and Elias closed his computer and looked out over the beautiful expanse of ocean surrounding the ship. Lark was still asleep in their cabin and probably would be for another couple of hours or so, it was nearly impossible to wake him anytime before 9 am. So Elias decided to stay for a while, taking in the peacefulness of the empty deck while the majority of the ship’s passengers slept, rocked by the lullaby of gentle waves.

January 11, 2016 9:00 AM, EST

Elias crept silently back into their cabin to find Lark sleeping fitfully, brows furrowed, eyelids knit tight. This was normally fairly unusual, but lately he’d been experiencing an uptick of nightmares that he didn’t like telling Elias much about for some reason. Elias eased down onto the edge of the bed and carefully lowered a hand down toward his forehead, fingers grazing across, pushing aside a stray curl. Almost instantaneously, Lark’s expression softened at his touch. It was moments like this that reminded him just how strong their connection was, the small gestures that could soothe one another’s most turbulent emotions.

He leaned down and pressed a light kiss on Lark’s cheek at which his eyes fluttered open, gazing weary oceans up at him. A soft smile, wrapt in security accompanied the gaze and Elias felt a pang in his chest as his heart skipped in response. “Morning, sleepyhead,” he sang softly to him.

Lark hummed and curled around where he sat, “Mmmmm… no.”

“No? What do you mean, no?”

“Not morning,” Lark muttered.

“It is, though.”

Lark shook his head, “No,” he mumbled, sleepiness still heavy in his voice, “still nighttime.”

“Oh is it now?” Elias asked, to which Lark nodded. Then, before he had a chance to react, he felt long arms wrap around him and pull him down and over into the bed, “Ah! Lark!” He laughed, “What’s this?”

“We sleep now,” Lark cooed, clearly very pleased with the results as he held Elias close. 

Elias let out another gentle laugh and turned to face the larger man, pressing his forehead to the other’s and cupping his face in his hands. “I love you,” he whispered.

Eyes closed, Lark gave a delighted smile. “Mhmmm,” he hummed in response, raising a hand to Elias’s eyelids in an attempt to shut them, “we sleep now.”

“Okay,” Elias giggled, “we sleep now, just a little longer.”

January 11, 2016 1:20 pm, EST

Elias woke to find Lark gone. Where was he? He rolled to sit up in the bed and checked his phone. 1:20 pm. Of course it was. With a stretch and a hearty yawn, he began to work on getting to his feet and looked around. The room was empty, the shower wasn’t going either, then he saw a shadow through the blinds leading out onto the small balcony of their room.

He opened the blinds to find Lark sitting in a wicker chair, sipping tea, gazing out over the water in placid solitude. There was a bottle of champagne and a pitcher of orange juice sitting on the table next to him, along with two champagne flutes and a bouquet of roses resting in a faceted crystal vase. Elias smiled to himself and slid open the glass door onto the balcony, coming up behind Lark who turned his head slightly towards him. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Lark said, seemingly completely unaware of the irony.

“It’s nearly 1:30.”

The other shrugged, “Morning is a state of mind.”

“Okay,” Elias laughed, draping his arms around Lark’s shoulders, and kissing the top of his head, “what’s all this?” He pointed at the set up on the table, to which Lark rose from his seat, came around to hug him tight, and laid a tender kiss on his lips. 

He smiled, then turned to pour two mimosas, “Happy Anniversary,” he said, holding out a glass to Elias. 

They clinked glasses and sat on the balcony, sipping their drinks, enjoying that serene silence they could only take true comfort in with one another. Every once in a while Elias would glance over at Lark’s satisfied face, the view of the ocean sparkling in his bright eyes. It didn’t matter where they were, Elias knew, but this was perfect. He wondered if he shouldn’t just pop the question right now, but the ring stayed in his pocket, waiting for a moment more perfect than this one. 

January 11, 2016 5:30 pm, EST

Elias hopped and shimmied as he pulled on his slim fit black slacks and tucked his stark white button up into them. He sifted through his bag and spread out the various necktie options he’d brought with him — plain black, floral, black and blue stripes, matte and satin striped maroon, black bowtie with subtle gold stars. A muffled sound of happy singing came from beneath the hiss of the running shower in the background. Elias looked back toward the bathroom and smiled, then turned to eye the bowtie lying on the bed. He was no good at tying bowties, Lark would have to help him, which made it the obvious choice in accessory. 

“Lark! Hurry up, our reservation’s at 6:00.” 

The singing stopped, “What’s that?” Lark called from the bathroom.

“I said... move your butt!” he called back.

“It’s always moving, love!”

“You know what I mean.” 

“Alright, alright, I’ll be out in a minute.” 

The shower went on for a little longer, then the hissing became a light trickle and, soon enough, a thick fog of steam rolled out of the bathroom door, orange light dissipated through the clouds. Lark strolled out, towel tied around his waist, drops of water hanging from the ends of his hair and glistening on his shoulders. He eyed Elias with the untied tie around his neck. A pleased laugh escaped his lips as he inched toward Elias and tugged at the ends of the bowtie, pulling him in for a kiss.

“Did you pick this tie just so I’d help you with it?” Lark asked.

Elias shrugged, “Maybe I did, you don’t know me.”

“No, of course I don’t.” Lark smirked and gently traced the side of Elias’s face with his fingertips, taking a moment to savor the sight of him. Eight years in and seeing Lark look at him like this still made Elias’s heart race.

“We have to get a move on,” Elias muttered, breathlessly. 

Lark cleared his throat, coming back to earth, and brought his hand back down to the tie. “Right,” he said matter-of-factly, then started on the tie. He worked the ends over and under, focus woven into his furrowed brow. Elias glanced down to watch his hands move then glanced back up at him. “There,” Lark fluffed the bowtie proudly when he had finished and met Elias’s gaze again.  

“I love you.” Elias reminded him for the millionth time and pulled him down to meet his lips, running his hands through Lark’s wet hair. 

Lark responded in kind, wrapping his long wingspan tight around Elias’s waist, “I love you too,” he whispered into Elias’s lips.

“I know,” Elias said and patted Lark’s chest as they pulled apart, “Now get dressed, we have like fifteen minutes.”

January 11, 2016 8:00 pm, EST

Elias and Lark walked hand in hand across the top deck of the ship, stomachs full, hearts warm, and heads perhaps a bit too light from a day full of champagne. Above them hung a cloudless, black blanket of sky encrusted with brightly shimmering, diamond stars and the thin sliver of a waxing crescent moon. Not far from them, a band played a harmonious violin cover of “You Are The Reason” with soft percussion accentuating the background. 

Lark pulled away, still holding onto Elias’s hand at arm's length, “Dance with me?” he asked.

Elias looked around the deck at the other families and couples enjoying the night around them, “There’s so many other people.” 

“So what?”

“They might be watching us.”

“Then we’d better put on a good show for them, don’t you think?” Lark smiled, pulling him back in and holding him close. 

Elias sighed, but a blush pulled the corners of his mouth into a coy smile. He wrapped his arms around Lark’s neck and leaned into him as they spun around the deck. Holding each other like this felt equal parts due to the desire to be close to one another and the necessity to help one another remain standing. The more they danced the more the effects of the day’s drinks took their toll and it wasn’t long until they had to slow to a stop. 

“Getting a little dizzy?” Elias laughed.

“Just a little,” Lark agreed. Then his face got serious and he pulled Elias with him towards the railing of the ship to look out over the water, shimmering under the stars. 

“I don’t want this night to end,” he said as they walked.

“Neither do I…” a pause settled between them. 

“Lark—” / “Elias—” They both spoke the other’s names in unison, followed by another unison, “sorry.” Then Elias spoke alone, “You go first.”

“Oh, uh,” Lark began, thrusting his hands into his pockets. He seemed to be fidgety all of a sudden, “Well, Elias… I know you know how much I love you, but I just wanted to say… before I met you…” Was this going where Elias thought? Had they really had the same idea at the same time? Well, he’d be damned if Lark was going to upstage his proposal. He gave a knowing smirk and stepped forward towards the other, “Lark…” but suddenly… time seemed to slow.

January 11, 2016 8:15:28 pm, EST

“… sorry.” Lark squinted and shook his head slightly, slow blinking.

January 11, 2016 8:15:30 pm, EST

Lark’s knee gave out on him and he stumbled back a bit.

January 11, 2016 8:15:32 pm, EST

Elias noticed the railing behind him fell just below Lark’s hip level. His eyes widened and he reached out to him.

January 11, 2016 8:15:33 pm, EST

The railing of the ship caught the back of Lark’s thigh.

January 11, 2016 8:15:34 pm, EST

“LARK!” 

January 11, 2016 1:15:28 - 1:15:34 am, GMT

Katie slept fitfully, alone in her small, twin bed, nestled in her small, one bedroom, Hampstead flat. In her dream, a flock of seagulls surrounded a small brown bird with a yellow face, a white underside, and black accent marks across it’s chest, under its eyes and in the tufts that sat upon its head. The small bird desperately flapped its wings to stay in the air, but the gulls, ten times its size, flapped their wings with all the more force down upon it.

January 11, 2016 8:15:35 pm, EST

Lark flipped over the railing, tumbling down towards the frigid waters below. A small crowd on the deck gasped as they bore witness. Elias ran to the railing and climbed readying himself to jump in after, but, just as he was about to take the leap a couple bystanders stopped him. 

January 11, 2016 1:15:35 am, GMT

Katie sprung up in her bed and screamed, cold sweat running down her face. An indescribable feeling of unbearable loss hit her core and ricocheted through her body.

January 11, 2016 8:15:36 pm, EST

The two bystanders held Elias tight, while others ran to find crew members that could help. “NO!” Elias screamed, “LET GO OF ME! LARK!” His body, completely sober now, shook with shock and tears cascaded from his eyes. “LET GO OF ME, GODDAMMIT!” He struggled against the ones holding him, finally breaking free and running back to the railing. His eyes scanned the water, desperately searching for signs of Lark, but couldn’t make out even the slightest shadow of a body. “LARK!” He called out. “LARK!” His knees buckled and he collapsed against the railing. “HELP HIM! SOMEBODY! Do something!” His forehead pressed hard against the bars, as his voice gave out, cracking a helpless, “please…” the bustle of crew members rushing to help Lark echoed from lower decks.

“Please… Lark… help him… somebody… bring him back…” It was impossible to see through the blinding film of tears rippling across his eyes, “please… I can’t… please don’t let him be gone… I can’t… I can’t… please… I can’t… somebody… Lark… I love you… please… I can’t.” 

January 11, 2016 1:15:36 am, GMT

On the other side of the world, Katie sat alone in her bed and heaved untamable sobs for reasons wholly unknown, save for the fact that it felt like something had reached into the deep recesses of her soul and snapped her still-beating heart in half, leaving the memory of it lingering like a phantom limb. 

January 11, 2016 1:30 am, GMT

A high tinnitus whine made its home in her ears, as she tried to process what she was feeling. Then the phone rang.

[oneofthemillionarmy]

The Impossible Order | Ch.2

Summary line: Mr. Min is a stoic boss who will never outwardly show appreciation for you. Not until you’re gone does he recognize how much you do. And what you do matters to him.

ceo!Yoongi | best.friend!Hoseok | romance, fluff, angst, and stuff

Loosely inspired by Secretary Kim and this third bullet point of the prompt list

Last chapter

~•~

Last night, one of the Peruvian suppliers was able to promise 250 ct worth of tourmaline, but it would be delivered in two weeks rather than the originally intended week and a half. Knowing your boss is one for deadlines and punctuality, you believe he’d prefer Hestia Sourcing. Despite your own gut telling you that Peruvian Treasures will pay off in the long run. Regardless of the turnaround time from your main supplier, the 200 ct in two weeks will keep the remaining four projects afloat before the regular shipment. However, you still report the remaining two supplier response and quotes, also providing your own input. Mr. Min says he prefers Hestia; as expected.

“How goes the status on our tourmaline crisis?” Mr. Min asks as he sips on his third cup of coffee this morning.

“Hestia Sourcing has already been officially contacted for their shipment of tourmaline to arrive in a week and a half. Jimin is currently working with Kim Taehyung on the new design for the frame. Seokjin has already crafted two other designs for you to look at today before he meets with Yoo Jae Suk tomorrow. Beyoncé loves alexandrite, but the tourmaline was intended to match with her costumer designer’s vision for the Met Gala, so he’s unwilling to make changes. Your father had already ok’d the change for your parent’s anniversary gift, so we can switch their gemstones with alexandrite instead. The JP team has already started working on the mold for the Jubilee. And marketing just emailed me the final draft for the letter to the customers and PR is still working with marketing for the ethically sourced advertisement. They are utilizing internet ad platforms, both short clip video ads and on social media.” You handed him your tablet for him to read over the final draft letter and Seokjin’s designs.

“Tell marketing to go ahead with the letter. Also, tell Seokjin that I would also like to see his first design with silver instead of rose gold.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.”

“Today I’m meeting with Jasper and Jester Industries over Zoom at 12:30. Tell the tech team I want to use the hologram projector during this meeting because we’re showing them the prototype today. Speaking of prototype, I need to see the prototype from the TP team by 10. Go to L’Orange today for lunch today; I want the lamb chops. James and Soobin will be coming at 1:30 to go over the purchasing of the mine sites for the cobalt mining. Check back in with me at 2 on the Kim Taehyung project and the marketing strategy. I want to see Seokjin’s new designs by 3. And check with our supply team if we’re maintaining our upkeep of inventory. If not, I need a list before 11 this morning along with suppliers’ response for turnaround time and quotes.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.” You had your hands clasped behind your back the entire time.

“Another coffee please.”

“Yes, Mr. Min.” Without another word, you step out and take out your recorder. You play back his directives as you get the coffee.

~•~

“Hey, Hoseok.” You sigh as you pour hot water into your instant noodle bowl for lunch.

“Hey, Sunshine.” You chuckle. If the either of you were the sunshine, it’d be him.

“How’s Yeontan?”

“He’s fine. The vet says that he’s a little underfed, but otherwise, he’s still the most adorable Yeontan-ie that has ever lived.” Hoseok gushes at the puppy in his lap as he drives on his way back to his home. Hoseok will be holding onto Yeontan until the weekend.

“Ok. That’s good news. Was he good at the vet?”

“He hates the vet. You should know that better than I do. I was a dog catcher for 30 minutes. And he caused a whole waiting room full of dogs into a frenzy. Did you know that one of the people there brought their snake? I hate those. Yeontan almost fought a snake! You have no idea how hard it was for me to finally grab Yeontan before anything drastic happened.” You laugh as he goes on about his heroic deed of saving your pup from a snake.

“You did very well. Thank you, Hoseok.”

“Never mind that, Blessings. Hey. Are you coming over today after work?”

“I might. My boss has been very extra today. Every ten minutes, his chat bubble pops up adding 3 more things to do. But honestly, with the amount of things going on today, he shouldn’t have anything else left to do tonight. I might actually get off work on time.

“Good. Good. ‘Cause I was thinking –“ before Hoseok can finish his words, you hear the sound of a car swerve.

“Hoseok? You ok?”

“Yeah. Some idiot w-“ and the line cut off.

~•~

At 12:15, you were nowhere to be found. You left a message to Yoongi that you had to take the day off. Everything you were requested to do was already set in motion like a Rube Goldberg machine. You texted him saying that there are cups and cups of coffee in the fridge ready for him. If he wants hot, he’ll have to wait another day. And as promised, everything Yoongi needed was here. He had everything he needed. You just weren’t there to provide it.

“Where’s Y/N?” Seokjin asks as he comes in at 3pm like clockwork, “I would’ve thought she’d give me that 20-minute warning like she always does when I have a meeting with you.” She does that?

“I don’t know. She took a half day. I haven’t seen her since 11 or something.” Yoongi says nonchalantly as he looks over the Seokjin’s work. Seokjin just blinks at that before he starts slowly, “That’s not like her. Is everything ok? Do you know what happened?”

“No.”

“It’s just not like her to –“

“I like it better in silver this way.” Yoongi cuts him off, gesturing to the new designs.

“Heh. Yeah, Y/N said you would. I wanted to show you the rose gold one first anyway.” Seokjin chuckles as he sits down across the table from him, “Speaking of Y/N,” I wasn’t speaking about her…, “You got the supplies list for JP, TP, and HP, right? She told me you were working with the cobalt mine sites today. She told me to tell you that since cobalt is one of the supplies on the list, and the mine site wouldn’t be ready just yet, she contacted 3 different cobalt miners and selected Arrows for the cobalt supply.”

“She should’ve come to me first about the different miners. We have our upcoming product from HP –“

“The ceramic tiles for Ms. James’ bathroom. Yeah. She contacted HP. They require 300 g and Arrows is the only one with the adequate amount of supply. It will be here in 5 days.” Seokjin stands up and walks over to Yoongi’s kitchen, “All the other suppliers have been contacted. She sent me the list and wants me to report it to you.”

“You’re just a designer for the jewelry department,” Yoongi says as he looks through his email to see if you sent him any recent emails. Nothing.

“Give me some credit. I’ve got a brain and it’s used for more than just designing. Don’t forget, before I was a designer, I was also your assistant too.”

“Yeah, a pretty bad one.” Yoongi snorts. It’s why he needed you.

“We were just a startup! We literally just graduated then.” Seokjin protests as he come back over and sets down a steaming hot cup of coffee in front of Yoongi.

“I thought Y/N only had iced ones left.”

“She did, but she instructed me to heat up one for you before we go over the list with you.” Seokjin scoots his chair closer as he whips out his tablet to bring up the supplies list, “And one for after.”

~•~

“Mr. Jung has suffered a serious blow to the head and is currently unconscious. We don’t know when he will wake at this point. His left arm has scarring from the glass shatters from the window when the car was impacted. His left leg has a hairline fracture and the patella was dislocated but has already been set back. Luckily, his left leg is the worst of the limbs. There’s bruising on the right thigh and right elbow also has bruising. The bruises are likely from holding on to the dog during impact. His right arm has some muscle tears do to strain.

“Right now, our biggest concern is when he will wake up. He had internal bleeding in the brain but the blood has been removed and there’s no clotting, in his brain or anywhere near his spine. Everything is where it needs to be, and there’s nothing that indicated long term brain damage or trauma. But we won’t know for sure until he wakes up.” The doctor nods his head and leaves.

You sniff as you cross your arms, staring at your best friend lying in the hospital bed. His head is wrapped as well as his left arm. His left leg is currently suspended in its cast. By his left eyes and cheeks, are massive bruises that still look sticky and gooey.

If only I didn’t let him take Yeontan…

“How’s my dog?”

“We checked in with the vet hospital nearby. Your dog has no extreme injuries, only mild bruising. The doctor wants him to stay overnight for observation.” The nurse reports to you. You shiver from the lonely air of the hospital.

“You can go in and see the patient right now, but please do not touch him. And visiting hours will be over in 40 minutes.” The nurse gently reminds you before you nod, thanking the nurse and heading in.

Walking towards Hoseok, your nose feels the burn as tears well up in your eyes. Before you even reach Hoseok’s bed, the tears already overflow out.

“I’m so sorry Hoseok. This is my fault.” And he’s a dancer too…oh my God, he’s a dancer….his limbs…

Your tears quickly turn into hysterical sobs, thinking too many things at once. Your greatest prayer is that he wakes up and he is completely healed. You start hyperventilating so you sit down and take deep breaths.

Although you were instructed not to touch him, you couldn’t resist to at least clutch to the hospital blankets next to his right hand, your knuckles touching each other’s.

“Please wake up, Hoseok. I’ll never have you do anything else for me. I’m sorry if I ever took advantage of you. Please know that I never once took you for granted. You are my dearest friend and I don’t want anyone else for a best friend. I promise to hug you more. I promise to cook for you. I’ll do it at your house. You don’t have to come to mine. I’ll clean up my mess after too. I’m here for you, I promise. I really am. I’m not leaving you, I swear to God. Please just wake up and be ok. You’re gonna be ok. I promise.” You turn to look to the hospital window to make sure no one sees you. You grab his right hand and lean down to kiss it, “Please wake up.”

Your phone in your pocket vibrates and you take it out.

The board members meeting is tomorrow at 8am. Please gather the data and reports from the teams ready by 6am. I will look over it before the meeting.

“Fuck you. No. Not now.” You grit your teeth and put the phone back in the pocket.

Your tears are both sad and angry now, but you know you need to calm down. Nothing drastic.

You take a couple deep breaths before you wipe your tears and take your phone out again to write an email. You look up as you think for a moment. Make that three.

Next chapter

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2004 And again the sleep curse got me, though not by the bird. I just kept waking up. Mostly because of strange dreams or because I was cold. I suppose I’d sleep better in a more temperature-stable environment, but knowing how far off that is, along with things like a bathroom that’s bigger than 3x3 makes me want to scream! I try not to think of it, but when I do, it’s in happy anticipation. Once in a more normal and civilized setting, I’ll be all the more grateful and appreciative of it after missing it for so long. So many people take so many things for granted, like water and electricity. When you’re so used to walking up to a water faucet and simply turning it on and having instant water, as well as effortlessly walking up to a light switch and flicking it on for instant light, and having outlets that work all the time, you don’t realize how easy you had it till you have to live like we are now.

Anyway, I slept from about 1:00 to 7:00, then mainly laid around till 11:00. Meanwhile, I’m too tired to bounce or do much of anything.

MONDAY, AUGUST 30, 2004 I am so pissed. So, so pissed! To say there’s a sleep curse on me is a total understatement. It is so, so obvious! My 7 AM wake-up call was so, so supernaturalish. Woodpeckers simply don’t go banging on the undersides of vehicles. They don’t. Period. Yet whatever this bird is, and I know it’s a bird of some kind by its cries, has to be pretty big in order to make such a racket. We could’ve just rented an apartment and let it be the owner’s responsibility to play fix-it when things broke, other than our personal stuff if I knew I was going to sleep this poorly. What’s God going to do when I’m in the shed? Have this bird go beat on that at 7:00 in the morning?

I am so, so fed up with this thing that doesn’t want me to sleep! It’s really too bad it doesn’t have the guts to come face me in person, whatever the fuck it is. For years I was frustrated and annoyed, but now I’m furious! Hasn’t this thing got anything better to do than pick on my sleep? I’ve been cursed in that department all my life, in a sense. Throughout my school years, I always had trouble falling asleep and trouble getting up in the morning. But why is it so damn important to this thing that I lose so much sleep? Why does it care so much? It’s gotten me 5 times in August alone!

Later…

They didn’t say anything about it, but they did get into my photo albums. The auto receipt I got says so.

I called and talked with Paula. She didn’t recognize my voice at first, but when she realized it was me she shrieked with delight to finally be hearing from me.

She really had me nervous when she said she hadn’t gotten my long 10-page letter till she said she hadn’t been by her box in two weeks.

Her one and only other friend, Alida, a Puerto Rican girl, died of AIDS. She didn’t even know she was dying. I guess the girl kept it a secret for some reason.

Miguel got in trouble again for hitting her. Of course, the male Puerto Rican only did 30 days for it while I, a white female, had to do 180 days for utter bullshit.

I was surprised yet glad to hear she recently burned the last of the incense and liked every single stick. Even the prank blank!

I’m sending her 25 sticks I didn’t care for in a brown manila envelope with bubble lining. There are 5 different fragrances.

She still asks me if I got my braces off.

I showed her where Oregon is on a map she had. After guiding her away from Louisiana and up over California, she found it.

I’m burning my Sweet Musk now, dreading the idea of falling asleep. For what, to get woken up a million times along the way?

Tom thinks the banging was caused by a bird trying to go after a chipmunk that was hiding, wedged in somewhere down under there.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 28, 2004 We’re now about 20 minutes from the pizza place. I thought I’d take this notebook with me. We were both pleasantly surprised to find my incense magically appeared yesterday. Her story was that she had the wrong box number in mind when he first asked about it. Yeah, I’ll bet she had the wrong planet in mind, too! Anyway, she said she tried to call, but she only had the old phone number. By then he was back at the land anyway. The next question is, will PG send me the dolls I’ll be ordering around 10/1 and will the mail people let me know about it if they do?

I called and let Jeff know I got it and asked if he had much trouble getting packages. Very rarely, he said, making me believe even more that it is a package curse on us.

Anyway, the order is perfect, though the Angel still smells different. It’s like they added some other scent to it. This means that they didn’t screw up the last order after all. I noticed they added this smell to the Patchouli, too. Maybe he really did get a new supplier. Different people have different versions of the same things.

Later…

We’re at the pizza place now. We might’ve gotten here sooner if we hadn’t gotten held up by a piece of old farm equipment.

To finish with yesterday – the land deed arrived, too. It was weird seeing my name on a piece of paper that says I own land! Another thing I was glad to learn is that if anyone tries to dispute ownership of this land, it’s Michael’s responsibility to fight it and prove otherwise and not ours. This was great to hear as so many things are our responsibility as it is that shouldn’t be. Being forced to play mail carriers and get our own packages delivered to us when that’s the job of the post office is enough!

Some flirty cock left a message in my Webshots guest book telling me he loved my pool handstand pictures, to write back, etc. The spelling was so bad that I’d be ashamed of myself along with embarrassed! Naturally, I ignored the cock.

Tom said sleeping in the truck like he did last night was no problem, but he burned himself when reaching to turn the portable heater off. He says there should be no problem with me getting in the shed next weekend (which I have to see to believe), but will sleep in the truck every Friday night I’m still in the RV.

Later…

Fucking college kids live better than us, I swear! The door to the refrigerator just fell off. Anyway, I’m just going to relax for the rest of the night and hope this shitbox doesn’t fall apart anymore on us.

Poor Tom. He went to sleep a little over an hour ago, then woke up 10 minutes ago and ran outside and puked. I can’t blame it on him since he didn’t overeat. He’s pretty sure it was the pepperoni on his pizza. He said he thought it had tasted a bit off. If this had to happen, at least it happened when the moon was full enough to light his way to a bush, and on a non-work night.

Meanwhile, I can’t listen to music, I don’t feel like reading or working on my story, I’m out of things to write about, so I guess I’ll just be bored all night. At least I have my wonderful smells to enjoy. Ah, that Morning Mist! It’s as lovely as always.

Actually, I could write about my PG plans, though if I were smart I wouldn’t trust them or the mail people. But I do stupid things, which means I’ll order the dolls I want and I’ll do the work of getting them to me. I shouldn’t have to pay shipping fees if I’m going to have to be the one to get the damn things to me!

Anyway, I plan to save up $116. That’ll be $30 for Asian Koko in lavender, $30 for Hispanic Valentina in violet, $40 for redheaded Erin in ivory, and the rest is shipping costs. All the dolls are 16” vinyl fashion dolls.

In January, assuming I got a $100 allowance in December, plus $100 in Christmas money and $39 in b-day money, plus grocery savings, I’ll get stuff from Ashton. There’s this $35 Indian figurine, plus the Indian ornament trio for $35, an all-porcelain toddler doll in a swimsuit for $87, and an all-porcelain ballerina for $100. These prices include shipping and will come to about $260.

When it comes time to order from PG in about 5 weeks from now, I’m going to order online. That way there’ll be no misunderstandings over the phone, like how Maricopa became Miranda. Maybe by now they’ve had enough complaints to have gotten their shit together, but we’ll see. I’m just so cursed when it comes to packages no matter what.

Now I’ve got Magnolia burning – awesome!

Later…

Tom’s gone to bed early in preparation for the long day he’ll have tomorrow. They have a special order at work they want to get done fast, so tomorrow and Tuesday will be 10-hour shifts with just half a day on Friday. On top of tomorrow’s long shift, he has to do the laundry, plus spend over an hour on the road.

They say it’s to be 89º tomorrow and I certainly hope they’re wrong like they usually are. I hope it’s like today was – warm, but not hot.

I’m burning Hazelnut now. I love its rich, nutty smell.

Jeff said he didn’t get the Webshots links, he must’ve missed it, would like to see my part of the world, could I re-send them? I re-sent a more complete link, along with Webshot’s address and my username.

I wonder if Bob and Jeff are a couple? They both sound the same with their Southern accents, and scented things are usually a woman’s thing.

Anyway, since we’re going to go at a more leisurely pace with the house, I decided I don’t want to wait 5 or more years for a mannequin, so sometime in February or March, I’ll begin saving up for one. I’d like to have $400 when we go to San Francisco, though I may be able to get a decent one for $250-$350. So, sometime in June or July, I hope we have the cabin done and get the mannequin around that time, too. If I get a standing one, it shouldn’t take up much room. Especially with them being as skinny as a rail.

Tom fixed the laptop, so I guess I’ll use it to listen to music till it breaks again.

We went to a little diner in Bonanza and got cheeseburgers. It was good.

I’ve been trying to put spells on scratch tickets like I did in Arizona, but so far I’m only having a little success. I haven’t been nearly as psychic here as I was in Maricopa and I wonder if I ever will be.

It’s been days since I worked on my story, so I think I’ll go make some soup, then work on that.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27, 2004 It finally did warm up. It’s in the high 70s in here.

I knew the sleep curse was going to get me any second, and sure enough, today was the day. I just got the luxury of having it wait till I’d gotten 6 hours of sleep and not just 4. What is it with each place we move to being harder to sleep in? Will it be this way when I can no longer feel Tom and hear things like rainfall and other outdoor sounds? Oh, to have a bedroom in a house with a fan running in it while I slept! I miss those days. Some curses are inescapable, though. When I am back in a house with a fan, there’ll be something else if I don’t wake up just for the hell of it or on account of some bizarre nightmare.

I woke up with the feeling that something was wrong. Seeing that it was just 63º in here confirmed that suspicion, but I was too tired to play fix-it with the damn heater, so I plopped myself back down on my bed when the pilot finally did come on.

I might’ve fallen back asleep if the knocking hadn’t started. Then I heard a bird screech that sounded like an eagle, though only woodpeckers go banging away like that. You mean I have to put up with woodpeckers here, too? Great, just great!

Why are some curses escapable while others aren’t, like my weight? I’m now 124 pounds and I’m not even trying to lose weight. How do you go from not being able to lose weight when you try to lose it, to being able to lose it without even trying? A few possibilities crossed my mind. Tom thinks it’s the types of calories I’ve been consuming now that I’m not having the kinds of calories that are in TV dinners. If it isn’t that or a curse that was on me in Maricopa or a tapeworm, then maybe the religious fanatic in Florida wasn’t kidding about thanking God for everything, both good and bad, having a positive effect in the end. So, since I always try to keep an open mind after all the strange experiences I’ve had in life, could it really hurt to try to be thankful for our shit always breaking (the laptop won’t boot again) as ludicrous as it sounds?

Either way, I still think there was something evil back on that Maricopa land and it was keeping the weight on me. After all, 8 pounds is a lot for a 38-year-old to lose on 2000 calories a day.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26, 2004 If we decide to stay in a motel just to get away for a day and have a real bathroom and real electricity, it’ll be after Labor Day when people go home and back to school. This place is going to be the opposite of Arizona; the population will decrease in the winter. I’m still sure, though, that God will see to it that someone noisy goes next to us who can’t sit still for a minute and that has to go in and out a million times. The place we have in mind is in strips. Meaning, there won’t be anyone above or below us. Just slamming doors next to us.

My weight is still down to 126 pounds. Well, am I going to lose more or not? I doubt it. I still like to eat and I’m still older with a slower metabolism.

I do so hope Tom gets my incense from the mail people. It’s like – damn them! They got the first package right, so does this mean they’re going to botch every other package like Bob and Jeff botch every other incense order? Well, it’s unlikely there’ll be other packages at this point. I’m too tired of having to do other people’s work for them. I’ll buy stuff in person even if it means losing out on a lot of things I’ve been wanting. When I asked myself, if I ordered dolls from PG, would they send them and would the mail people let me know if they did? This was when I realized that that was no way to shop. It shouldn’t be hit or miss when a person buys something via mail, but for me it is.

Maybe I’ll wait till we get an address assigned to us. Tom says UPS and FedEx should have no trouble finding it because they use GPS nowadays.

No more bothering to check the weather online either, cuz they’re always wrong. Almost always, anyway. They said it was supposed to be back in the 80s today, yet it’s in the 60s.

I wish I could fall asleep till he got back and not have it screw up my schedule cuz I’m so bored. I know I could read, write letters, work on my story or sing, but I don’t feel like doing any of these things. Better to be bored, though, than to have no time to relax. The damp, cloudy weather kind of puts me in a lazy mood, too.

I could go out walking, but there’s not much to walk to, other than up and down the road. It’s too easy to get lost in these woods cuz it all looks the same.

Saw a rabbit earlier. There are definitely not as many rabbits or birds here as opposed to chipmunks, rats and mice, but that’s ok. I don’t miss the giant spiders, the scorpions and the dangers of living with rattlesnakes.

Later…

Those mother-fuckers at the mail place! There’s no escaping other people’s bullshit and being put out by them! Tom spoke with the woman there (it’s a father/daughter team) and she insists that she’s the one who signs for all the packages at the PO and that she swears there were no priority mail packages on the 20th. So then I called and spoke to Bob this time around, then had Tom talk to him. He gave Tom the package’s numbers and he’s going to try one more time tomorrow after work to see if it magically appears (though we know that one’s unlikely), then go to the PO. If they can prove that she signed for something we didn’t get, that’s her ass. Tom thinks the old geek of a cock gave it to someone else. Yeah, either that or the bitch stole it, though why they did whatever they did with it yet got the first one right is beyond me. Tom will file a complaint with the postal inspectors if he can prove she did in fact sign for it. There’s still always a chance that it’s sitting at the PO and they didn’t really deliver it, though it’s a slim chance. The mail people got it. I doubt anyone at the PO stole it. Too many cameras on them. The good of it is that we’re not out the money if we can’t find it. Bob will make up a new order free of charge if that’s the case, which is so nice of him. Maybe they weren’t trying to lose me after all.

I wish to hell we had a mailing address so I could request that everything be shipped here! We can’t have a PO Box because they require a physical address, so that means either dealing with these people till the box expires in November or going to another private mailing company. I think either way we go, I’m cursed with getting packages. Something up there has always tried to keep me from the things I’ve wanted. I’d love to be able to find a place in person to get all these things, but that’s just not going to happen. It’d be too long a drive to find a place that does custom dolls, and I’d have to go all the way to San Francisco to get a mannequin. I wouldn’t mind going there, though, and I know Tom wouldn’t either. San Francisco is closer to us than L.A. was to Maricopa. Besides, I always did say I’d like to see the mannequins in person.

We found a few doll stores in the Medford area. I hate to have to drive 2-3 hours to get the damn things, but if I have to, I will. Meanwhile, I have to give up the Ashton-Drake and PG dolls.

Later…

We did some online research. First, I sent Bob and Jeff links to my photo albums so they could see why we can’t get mail here and to be “friendly.” It was a way of letting them know I don’t blame them at all.

Meanwhile, if we’re going to have to be the ones to get the packages to us anyway, we may as well drive all the way out to Medford, the closest big city to us. KF is simply too small to have any JBS-like doll stores, and I certainly have no problem adding a visit to San Francisco to my list of experiences and seeing the mannequins in person before buying one.

We also revised our building plans yet again. Instead of a cabin kit or cabin plans, we may get Home Depot’s biggest, nicest shed for two grand and live in that until the house is built, which we now think will be huge (2000 square feet and almost as big as the house in Maricopa) if we’re going to have to wait a while anyway. The shed has a huge shelf that we could turn into a bed. Then there still may be room enough for a little kitchen, office and bathroom, in which case we’ll turn this heap of shit into a storage room.

I just had another grim thought. Just how honest are they with people’s outgoing mail? Could it be that Bob never got Angel Eyes cuz they kept it for themselves, perhaps curious as to what I could possibly be sending a prison inmate? Well, from now on we’re not going to give our mail to them. We’ll drop it in mailboxes and directly into the PO’s hands. Just maybe Mary has written, and maybe I should’ve gotten more samples by now.

We may go back to our original plan of having at least a partial cellar, only he’ll still use the shed for his office. The cellar can be where the washer/dryer is, plus storage, maybe an eBay room if we ever get back into that.

I wish I could snap my fingers and have it be a few years from now! I really do. Why oh why must people, time, circumstances and money always hinder us? Why must our things break so often and why can’t we do something as simple and as reasonable as receive our mail?

Later…

And the breakage curse lives on! Why, why, why, why, why????? The laptop won’t boot so I can listen to music and the portable MP3 player’s broken again, too. There’s too much else to do! Tom doesn’t have tons of time to stop and play fix-it! What, was the only reason we were put here on earth to be little repairmen and to do other people’s work for them? Well, I’m not only sick of having my plans fouled up due to other people, but I’m also seriously considering having nothing, and I mean nothing. Nothing mechanical that could break, no more packages, etc. Just books to read and paper to write on. On top of that, I ought to sell what I do have that isn’t a necessity.

Later…

I went to leave Tom a message so he wouldn’t think someone stole the shit MP3 player from the truck and accidentally woke him up. He said he could fix the MP3 player in 5 minutes. I told him to forget it. Instead, he fixed the laptop by pulling a card out of it and then it booted up ok.

That’s all well and good, but I’m still contemplating having just food to eat, clothes to wear, books to read and paper to write on. I’d love to be able to talk myself out of using things that can break and of getting more stuff. But could I give up all this without feeling like I was missing out? It seems unlikely, but maybe I could. After all, I didn’t even feel like I was “missing out” back when I wanted a kid. Cursed, controlled, depressed and angry, but not missing out.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2004 I am so fucking pissed! The incense was sent to me on the 18th! I definitely should’ve gotten it by now. That was a whole week ago. I am so, so sick of lost or delayed packages! So much so that I’m determined to buy as much as I can in person from now on, even if it means giving up a lot of things I’ve been wanting. This package curse is just so fucking old! Anyway, I called and spoke to Jeff and he said he’d check into it, but I have a feeling I’m going to be faced with having to decide whether or not to take a refund or have them make up a new batch. If I were smart I’d take the refund.

Later…

Jeff left a message saying that the PO said they delivered it on the 20th, so Tom will check it out tomorrow. Tom reminded me that last Saturday, the 21st, how one of the guys that works there who’s old and not too bright started to tell me I had “something else” in back, then he came back to tell me he “didn’t think so” and that it was just the beauty sample I got. I totally believe Jeff when he said he shipped it and to the new address, too. So I emailed him and let him know I’d get back to him after I checked at our mailing company. Hopefully, it’s still there and has just been sitting there since the 20th. Tom’s pretty sure that’s the case. If worse came to worst, I think they’d cover it once shown the delivery numbers from the PO.

When he asked how late was too late to call, I told him not to worry since I was up till 2 AM. He said, “Then you should be working with us.” As much as I’d love to, he needs someone there, not someone working from their home.

Today’s much like a winter day in Arizona! The heat’s been running all day so far. It’s set to go on at 67º and run till 72º. It’s been cloudy and rainy. I hope I don’t end up kicking myself till May for coming here! Nah, the beauty, peace and quiet are well worth it.

The rat woke up for a few minutes wanting to come out and stretch his legs. He actually listened this time when I said “no” to places and things I didn’t want him getting into.

Tom thinks we’ll be able to move into the house next fall. As I told him, though – no way. No way will it be that soon. Our goals always take longer and his time frames suck. Even if we had the money right now, circumstances and weather will delay us. Especially if he gets laid off.

Then he brought up an idea that I like the more I think about it and that’s to put up a small 400-square-foot cabin till we can get the house built up enough to move into it. It’d provide great storage space in the end and it’d also make the place look more populated, as well as up the value towards the next move.

Later…

We discussed it and we are going to get the cabin first, which they say can be put up in just two days, provided he doesn’t have to stop and play fix-it, though it won’t be till the spring.

Meanwhile, he bought a bottle of propane so we don’t have to go through the hassle of driving this old lug into town every time it needs propane.

I found my “lost” MP3 files. Apparently, when I’d move them from folder to folder, I’d accidentally drop them.

Instead of dumping this RV in the woods, Tom will probably part it. After he strips and sells what he wants, it can still be a shed. It’ll just be a very old shed that leaks in a few places.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2004 Today was as cloudy and cool as yesterday. It feels very fall-like. Tom says people are saying this is highly abnormal for August in Oregon. Yeah, until we come here! It’s a nice change, though, from the constant heat and sunshine. It also cuts the bug count way down.

Still no incense. Why, oh why do I have to work so hard at getting things delivered to me? It’s NOT my job!

Later…

I didn’t feel much like reading or working on my story, so I addressed envelopes to Paula. Bob’s going to get a few more, though, because there weren’t any duplicates of those few, though most had 50-100 of the same design.

I had a little scare a little while ago. On top of him having to play adjust-the-choke on the damn truck, I thought the RV’s heater broke. I realized it had dropped to 64º in here, even though it had been running for several minutes. I had to switch it off, then back on again a few times to get the pilot to ignite.

I did some “doll art” earlier using my chrome nail polish to draw jewelry and shoes onto a few of my Barbies. One wears a white and silver gown in which I painted a silver strap over the tops of her feet, making it look like she had sandals on that match her dress.

MONDAY, AUGUST 23, 2004 It was a cool 60-degree day. The heat ran all night last night and just came on for the next 12 hours or so.

Instead of going to Florida when he’s between 55-65 and risking losing our house in a hurricane, we talked about San Diego instead. To one day live in California would be sort of like a dream come true. Especially being where I’m from. We’d still go to a retirement community, of course, well away from the city animals. I don’t know what it is about California that’s always held a magical attraction for me. Perhaps it’s partly because Kate lives there and that’s where Charlie’s Angels was filmed, but only partly, as California’s fascinated me long before the show hit the scene.

Anyway, it’s cool to have a long-term goal (I think this dream can and will become a reality because I made it to Arizona) to one day look forward to, as well as my short-term goals of a house and fun stuff. After the thrill of moving in and setting up the Maricopa house died down, I became rather bored till the freeloaders felt it was time to cure that boredom with their shit.

Tom fixed my portable MP3 player, I’m glad to say, so I can listen to music on the long and boring rides to and from KF.

Sure enough, just 17 days after my period, I started bleeding today.

Ah, but here’s a strange one – I awoke at 125 after several days of eating quite a bit. If I could eat like I have been and not gain weight, that’d be wonderful. I still don’t think I’ll lose much more, though.

I got fed up with all the spam I was getting, so I ditched my old email account and opened a new one. Tom said there are ways to check to see what gets filtered out, since the damn incense people, who still haven’t shipped my incense, might not be able to get through. Tom thinks it is shipped, though, and that they simply haven’t updated the shipping status site.

Same with PG. I decided to save up $104 for 3 of their fashion dolls and see how their service is in Oregon, though for the most part, I’ve always had to work at getting dolls delivered to me no matter where they come from. The shitty thing is that they no longer offer free shipping on orders over $100. Everybody’s canceling their free shipping on orders exceeding certain amounts! They also seemed to have switched from using UPS to regular mail. I still doubt them when they say that most dolls are shipped the day after they’re ordered. Especially when most of them are out of stock. I just hope that those that are out of stock don’t end up being shipped too close to Christmas when the PO is overwhelmed and more likely to fuck up! I also hope I’m not forced to be the one to do the work to get the damn dolls to me whenever they are available.

I slept till 1:30 today because I couldn’t fall asleep till after the sun came up. I hope this doesn’t throw me off schedule.

I remember back in Phoenix bitching about feeling like Tom and I were living like welfare bums or 18-year-olds, but even welfare bums and 18-year-olds don’t live this bad! I also still worry, since something up there likes to see us controlled by others so much, that they’ll lay Tom off and cause him to have to start the job-search process all over again, also causing us a financial setback.

I took a couple of large boxes and dumped them in the abandoned trailer so we don’t have to have the hassle of dumping them. There are tons and tons of sticks that the packrats dragged into cubbyholes within the place.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22, 2004 It finally rained. In fact, it came down quite steadily and for hours, too. It’s to go back to 80º next Saturday, hitting 85º by Tuesday.

I wish we were in the house with nothing to do, but we have to dodge the rain to play fill-up-the-water-tank and light-the-pilot. We both need showers.

The sleep curse has gotten me 3 times so far this month and the month isn’t over yet. And that’s not counting all the times I was woken up, just the times I couldn’t go back to sleep right away.

Again he woke me up Saturday morning, so we agreed that for every Friday night I’m still stuck in here, he’ll sleep in the truck.

Quite a bit has happened since I last wrote. First of all, there’s been no pig sightings or visits, though it’s still too soon to know whether or not they plan to harass us by mail.

Tom said he’d be willing to move the RV deeper into the woods so it couldn’t be seen from the street, but I said, nah. We couldn’t take the shed and screen room with us, and besides, if they really want to get at us, they will. And God will see to it too, since I’m the one he never cares to protect!

Tom’s not worried about it, saying you normally have 30 days to rectify the situation, as in running down to get permits, but I say we own this land, so they can rectify my ass!

Anyway, yesterday we stopped at the mail place where I found a few beauty samples waiting for me, and a letter from Paula saying she was happy to hear from me and asking how Oregon is. Also, the usual man troubles. Miguel’s back in jail again. What a wonderful example the two are setting for Justin!

I’m sending her a long, detailed letter. We exchanged phone numbers, but I want to wait till she gets the letter before I call, then we can discuss it, as I told her.

She mentioned taking apple cider pills for weight loss. Hmmm…never heard of that one. We’ll have to see if it works.

Meanwhile, it’s funny how more often than not, it’s the ones who aren’t very sound of mind that end up being the most loyal of them all.

Yes, she got the incense, which she says she’s finishing up, the CDs are good, sorry she didn’t send the $10. Yeah, I knew she wouldn’t, but as I also told her, we’re not as bad off as we were, though we’re not doing great either.

After I mailed off a letter to Bob (I’m more convinced he did get Angel Eyes since it still hasn’t been returned to me), we went to the Chinese place where I got shrimp fried rice.

At the little strip mall where the lady at the mail place said she got her little cat, I found they had all big cats rather than little ones, which I wanted anyway. I like big things and new things. They were either black or white. Some were curled up asleep while others stood on all fours with their tails sticking up and curling over their backs at the ends. I got a black standing cat for $21 with real rabbit fur. The only thing I’d add to it would be whiskers and slightly longer legs. I put a Barbie on its back and she really looks like she’s going horseback riding, only on a cat!

We went to Home Depot and got a partial floor. It’s just that it’s so damn expensive! We got tongue-and-groove wooden tiles to cover most of it. We’ll use particleboard for the edges of the shed. We got sealant, but no insulation or lights yet.

I tried Walmart incense, so I thought I’d try K-mart incense since Bob and Jeff still haven’t shipped my damn incense unless they just haven’t updated their shipping site yet. It was better than Walmart, but not worth getting again, and certainly nowhere near as good as what I hope to get this week. This one has Jasmine, Oriental Woods, Rain, and Black Plum.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2004 I was worried that today was going to be like yesterday, but thanks to the clouds we’ve got today, it’s beautiful. So far it hasn’t gotten over 81º.

One reason I’m glad it’s nice, besides being more comfortable, is so I could do some rearranging in preparation to move into the shed. I mostly organized my clothes

Later…

Well, it did end up going up 5 degrees, but not until 2:30.

Saw a very unnerving sight earlier. At around 7:00, Tom and I were chatting when I spotted a squad car going up our street.

Tom’s theory about it seemed to shift from someone complaining about us to it not being related to us at all.

For one, if it were either due to a complaint or the sickos following and finding us here, why didn’t the pig stop here?

His first thought was that Bob complained, the pig came to see where he was talking about, and now he’s going to mail us a letter saying a complaint was filed on us, which Tom thinks we can get out of even if we are ticketed, cuz no one can prove we’re living here and we’re not obligated to prove we aren’t.

I was surprised when he said he’d suspect Bob as the complainant, who no longer works for Michael, but then he told me about some comments he made that I didn’t hear (I mostly spoke with his wife while they spoke). The cock told Tom that he called Michael about people putting up sheds on a particular piece of land, then Michael told him he knew about it and that they’d been there 6 weeks, yet Bob said he was going to turn them into the county anyway.

And here we are putting up a shed.

I swear to God, though, if that moron does complain about us, not only will I refuse to pay the damn ticket, I will fight back. So if he complains, he better be prepared to get complained against himself!

Of course, other possible scenarios ran through my mind, for obvious reasons. After being manipulated and abused by pigs in two different states, I can’t help but be paranoid. Paranoid enough to draw the curtain that separates the cab from the rest of the RV and draw curtains in the windows, too. Once I was out of here and in the shed, I was going to leave it wide open to let the sunlight in, since he doesn’t mind sleeping with the bright moonlight, but no way. I know that if someone really wanted to get in here, they would, but I’m not about to let them see what we’ve got so easily either.

We both agreed, though, that if someone came knocking, I’d just play dead and not move a muscle. I know trouble can penetrate a house if it really wants to, yet I’ll still feel way more secure once we’re in the house!

If they happened to catch me out and about – well – a certain pig taught me to keep my mouth shut now, didn’t it?

This brings me to a few other possibilities, but hopefully very remote ones. Naturally, my first fear is that the sickos want to go for round 4 with us and have found us here.

Then there’s Teddy Bear. Again, just maybe I really did get her fired. And just maybe she really was biding her time, and when the time was right to retaliate, she tracked me here to Oregon. Why not? She’s a pig, after all, so she could easily pay the PO a buck to get our mailing address, then follow us home or put a tracking device on the truck, though the tracker seems way unlikely. It’s just that I’ve been surprised by a lot of things in the last 12 years, so I’m not as quick to write things off as being impossible like I used to. Nobody did 6 months county time for something they were supposed to have written, as far as I was concerned, yet I was proven very wrong.

I know it’s a waste of time, but I still beat myself up for not simply telling the pig, “Charge me or release me.” Sure he’d have locked me up that day out of spite if I had kept quiet, but maybe then it would’ve only been for that day and not for 6 months.

Anyway, Tom went out to investigate the tracks and get them fresh in his mind so he’ll notice any changes if there are any. This was when he concluded it had nothing to do with us; because the pig appeared to loop around from B Lane. He thinks they were just following up on a report of kids on ATVs or hunters or a stolen vehicle that someone may’ve abandoned here. Well, I don’t care what it is as long as no one fucks with us. I swear, if we get screwed here, I’ll seriously believe without a doubt that no place on earth is safe from other people’s shit! If you’re not safe on a mountain in the wilderness, then where are you safe? Where?

I’m even taking my floppy disk out with me tomorrow that I backed my recent stuff up on.

I hope I sleep well tonight as I look forward to going out tomorrow!

I’m amazed at how many mice I see scurrying about at dusk. Catching one for a pet would certainly be no problem at all.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19, 2004 Yesterday came today in that it was pretty hot at 88º. Tomorrow’s going to be bad too, then it’ll cool off over the weekend. See? Something wants me to suffer during the week when he can’t be available to start the generator so we can have the AC. Seeing how it was down to just 79º at 9:00 last night wasn’t very promising for a comfortable day today, so I figured as much. Either way, it wouldn’t surprise me if tomorrow were the last really hot day since it’s getting to be late August. We have a 25º-30º fluctuation between highs/lows here just like in Arizona, so it really has to make it all the way down to 55º for it to not get so hot. I doubt it fell under 60º by early morning. I know it was 66º at 4:30 when he woke me up. Just when I thought I was adapting, he not only woke me up this morning, but I couldn’t get back to sleep till way after sunrise and slept till 1:30! I normally can’t sleep past 82º, but I slept till it hit 86º. Maybe the breeze helped, along with my tiredness, though I did wake up a million times along the way. Then, once I finally got up, all I could do was lay there lazily and wait for him to get home and start the generator cuz it was too hot to do anything else.

As much as I hate snow, I guess it’d be kind of cool to see after not seeing it for 12 years. We even talked about doing some cross-country skiing around here. He’s way excited about the snow cuz he grew up without it and has only seen it a few times.

These chippies really know how to get what they want! They just ask. In Arizona, the p-dogs would wait till I went to them, but these guys come to me. I found one of the babies hanging on the door again begging. Soon enough they’re going to be in here and eating out of my hand.

I’m back to 127 pounds. Maybe if life could stop interfering with my workout routine, and maybe if I could discipline myself with the eating a little better, I could get back to 125 and stay there for more than 5 minutes. If only I didn’t crave such variety in my diet and could get myself to eat the same things regularly, except for once a week when we went out. Variety is what adds up in dollars and in calories.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2004 Tom came straight home from work to work on the shed. He had stopped by the mail place before work and found I had a letter from Bob. It’s rather disturbing to read that he’s still waiting for my story when he should’ve gotten it by now. I figured he should’ve gotten it by the 11th, yet his letter was postmarked on the 14th. I hope he got it right after he mailed the letter off to me.

Anyway, it was a quickie, saying that because they want him on oxygen all the time, they want to move him to a maximum security prison in Shirley where he’d be locked down all the time, and he doesn’t want that.

I told Tom that if he’s sure he doesn’t want to use the RV for storage when we’re done with it, rather than bring it to a junkyard, I think we ought to use it as another deterrent so we’ll be flanked by abandoned trailers, and put it on the other side of us. I don’t think he’ll go for it, though.

He wants to save up money for a well when we get in the house, which I think is both a good and a bad idea. It’s bad because all they do is break, but it’s good to not have to haul water, and it’d up the value of the place. At least this time around we’d have the money to keep fixing it, though I’d rather spend the money on other things.

Just like today, tomorrow we’ll hit a high of 87º, but next Monday’s supposed to only hit 62º!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2004 Tom gave that chick from Florida a ride home yesterday that he says is fat, ugly, old and loud. When I asked him why he can’t say “no” to the things he really doesn’t want to do, he said he doesn’t want a rep for not being nice. He worries too much about what others think, I told him, and he said he wants more money. That won’t get him more money, I also told him, that’ll get him used. Today she didn’t need a ride. Her husband got her which is nice, even though he says it’s on the way.

Again a group of people was told not to come in tomorrow because of a lack of work, but fortunately, he wasn’t one of them.

Today was a pretty nice day. It only peaked at 84º. They revised tomorrow’s high of 90º to 87º. Not much difference, but any bit helps.

Later…

Tom worked some more on the shed. Supposedly we’re still on for me moving into it this weekend. I just need a light, a camping heater, a porta-potty and a floor. Then I can add my stereo later.

I’m still going to write most of my letters to Bob by hand, even when my bed is turned into an office because it’ll be a hassle to set up the printer. Besides, it’ll give me something to do during the times he’s not here and I haven’t much electricity to do much more than listen to music.

Cock smell. I hate it! Fortunately, he’s gone in to shower it away. He had been working on the shed, so that’s why he stinks.

I got an email scam from someone claiming to be affiliated with PayPal and wanting to verify people’s identities. Anyone with half a brain knows never to give personal information via email and that no legit business would ever ask for such info like credit card numbers by email. I decided to shock the scammer by filling in the fields with not only bogus info but with comments about going to jail, knowing who they were, etc.

One of the baby chipmunks that never seems to grow has come to trust and like me a lot. It was so cute earlier! I was on my bed writing when I heard sounds at the door. I rose to find it hanging on the screen, begging for a treat.

MONDAY, AUGUST 16, 2004 Yesterday really was much better than the day before. We got along, got ahead, and were not set back. We got most of the shed up and the generator started after only a few pulls. I helped with most of the construction of the shed. Tom could’ve done it himself, but it would’ve been much harder. I still probably won’t be able to move into it till next weekend or later.

I guess I should go work on my story. It’s been a while. I haven’t even read for a while either. It’s just been too hot to do much of anything, but sit around wondering why God hates us so much!

Later…

Today’s thing to break was the vacuum. I guess the belt broke. Either way, instead of playing fix-it, I’m just not going to vacuum this old piece of shit.

Today’s warm, but not hot. If they’re right about the upcoming forecast, Wednesday - Friday is going to be sheer hell, in the 90s again. I can’t wait for it to cool down! Not just so the days will be more comfortable, but so I can close the windows at night. Having lights on at night really attracts the bugs. There are some small enough to fit through the screen.

I’m up a pound at 126. I doubt I’ll ever lose any more weight. At least not a significant amount anyway.

I hope to get mail from Bob anytime saying he got Angel Eyes. Not until then will I send any more stories.

Despite the clouds we’ve had, there’s been no rain in a couple of weeks now, and there probably isn’t going to be for the next two weeks either. I see what they mean when they say that the driest time in Oregon, particularly in this area, is in the summer.

Today I hope we can complete the shed’s roof and doors. There’s still so much more we need to get for it!

Later…

God, I am so sick of this heat! It’s 86º now and sure to end up around 88º by the time Tom comes home to start the generator, if he can get it started, so we can run the AC for a while. We think yesterday’s quick start was a fluke. Well, I know it was. Anyway, there’s no end in sight to this heat. Thank God we didn’t stay in Arizona!

We decided that instead of spending the money to rent a house during the winter and having to deal with city noise day after day, we’ll just go to a motel when they’re predicting more than half a foot of snowfall, and I’ll deal with the door-slamming there. He says the motels will be deserted in the wintertime, though I’m sure that whenever we’re there, there will be people next to, under and above us that’ll come and go a million times while their kids run screaming up and down the walkways.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 15, 2004 Today’s a stark contrast from yesterday. So far, anyway. The weather’s nice and cool with a thin cloud cover. Leave it to the evil above to pick on our generator on such a hot, humid day as yesterday!

We’re going to have hot days till around the first week of September. I remember all too well how seasonal climates work.

Right now Tom’s working on the shed, then in an hour, we’re going to go to the place at the Bonanza junction for ribs and whatever he wants. Guess I’m still a little psychic because there were a couple of parts missing from the shed like I told him I was worried was the case. It’s ok, though, because the dumb cocks gave us a box that doesn’t go with this 10x8 shed. It’s a floor kit for a 10x14, so he swiped the parts he needed from that. We’re hoping we can use the floor kit for an additional shed for storing our stuff. All we’ll have to do is order the rest of the parts. No wonder we were compensated yesterday with having to play fix-it; we got a hell of a deal in the end!

There’s a catch, though, and that’s that as much as we’d love to save money by getting our stuff out of storage, we have no other place to get water just yet.

Did he wake me up this morning? Of course. His sheet bunched up under him so he got all fidgety. Then the rat was bonking his head on the cover of the tank trying to get out. This time around, though, I was able to return to sleep.

Later…

The rib place was closed, so we hopped across the street to this Irish bar and grill and I got prime rib. The last time I had that was in Nevada. I just don’t remember if it was Vegas or Laughlin. We’re closer to Reno from here, so if we ever go there to gamble, that’s where we’ll go.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 14, 2004 Today was a pretty shitty day. At least parts of it were. We first went to K-mart where we got a few things we needed. Then, for just 88¢ each, I got two 0.5 oz. Designer Perfume Imposters. I got Sensuale, similar to Glow, and Primo, similar to Giorgio. The Primo’s especially good. What’s so cool about them is that they’re in aerosol spray cans, rather than pumps, and you can spray them anywhere on your body, including under your arms. I’d rather use these for deodorants anytime. They’re good for spraying on sheets, too.

We checked their site out and found that I could get quite a few of their $3.50, 2.5 oz. bottles. I registered at their site. It’s supposedly a way of bringing imitations to the people without the expense. Most perfumes are between $20 - $40. There are about 20 I’d like to try sometime.

Afterward, we ate at the Chinese place. They know us so well now that they don’t even have to give us menus or take down our orders. I had their veggie rice this time around. Next time I’ll get the shrimp rice. When we left, Tom left his glasses in there and one of the waitresses ran to give them to him though he’d have realized it as soon as he got behind the wheel.

So, despite the heat and humidity, all was still well. We went to the mail place, found the land deed waiting for us, and got it signed and notarized right there and sent off. Now, however, we have to wait an additional few weeks while Michael signs/notarizes his own copy, then files it with Klamath County.

Our last stop was Home Depot. We got a 10x8 shed for less than we thought. It was about $250. However, it doesn’t have a floor. We’ll have to get sheets of plywood for it. It also has doors that slide shut and meet in the middle. We’d have preferred a swinging door. So, it still needs a floor, anchors, some form of lighting, insulation and a camping heater. Then I’ll get this pink furry rug I saw at Walmart, then I’ll get my stereo out of storage and new headphones, too.

Backing up a bit – I knew the sleep curse would kick in anytime now. The kind where after 4 hours of sleep I get woken up and am unable to go back to sleep. Sure enough, because he took too long to get going and out the door this morning, I was unable to return to sleep. I laid there a while on the very edge of sleep, but never actually really slept.

I saw a couple of mice out and about before sunset. I’ve also heard them bopping around under the RV at night, but Tom assured me there really isn’t anything they can hurt.

Good, because our stuff gets hurt enough on its own. When we returned was when things got rough for a few hours. I swear something doesn’t want us to get ahead and that it’s never going to stop kicking us back with the damn fix-it games! We came back to find it was 91º and way muggy. Again we were teased with storm clouds that never rained here. Who knows how long it’ll be before it rains again? As is the case every other fucking time, he couldn’t get the generator to start. Instead of doing anything with the shed, if only to go through the instructions, he had to take the fucking thing apart. We sweated our assess off for 3 hours before he finally got it going. A piston ring jammed up, apparently, so there was no compression.

Speaking of kids, why must they make animal sounds for hours on end? I mean, they just never shut up! As wrong as it is, I can totally see why some mothers lose it and end up beating the shit out of their kids.

Anyway, as if I hadn’t had enough shit to deal with for the day, I slipped going out the door and tore part of the screen. He had to put duct tape on it.

I just hope all this suffering we’re going through now won’t be all for nothing, and that we don’t come to regret moving here like we did with Maricopa. Either way, no matter where we go, I think we’ll always be cursed and always struggling to get ahead, but never quite making it. Too much time is lost on account of the breakage curse.

The rat is now on his “play with me” and “feed me” trip he goes on right about now till I go to sleep. Last night we shared a pudding cup. I ate the cup, he licked the lid. It was like old times when Little Buddy and I would share ice cream.

Anyway, I can’t wait to get in the shed! I’m sure there’ll be all kinds of delays and that it’ll be weeks, but I’m so sick of the damn wake-up calls! I know sleeping in the shed won’t be a cure-all to the sleep curse, but at least I’ll have a place to go to get away from him when he’s impatient with me and snapping at me and putting words in my mouth, and I won’t get woken up as often. I just don’t want to be around him much. He’s just not much fun to hang with most of the time.

Why can’t life ever be simple? Why must it be so full of struggles, hardships and flukes for us? If we could go a month without setbacks and breakage, it’d be a true miracle. I mean one should be able to walk up to their 5-year-old generator that costs hundreds of dollars and just start it. And one shouldn’t always have to get in their vehicle and wonder if it’s going to get them to and from wherever they’re going.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 13, 2004 Today was as hot and dry as Wednesday was, hitting 90º. Right now, though, it’s gorgeous because we’re on the fringe of a storm. There are lots of clouds, lightning and wind, but no rain yet. I’d have killed for these gusts of wind earlier. I’m surprised it’s still hanging on at 79º.

Instead of getting an electric starter for the generator, though we’ll need it anyway for the house on cloudy days, we may get a used car. We need a backup anyway, and he could hook cables to its battery so I could run the AC. It’s been frustrating to have this AC and not be able to run it till he gets home! The weather’s been the opposite of when we first got here where the days were nice and the nights were cold. Now the days are hot and the nights are nice.

I’ve discovered a better way to keep cool. Rather than strip and mist myself with the mister, which only evaporates in minutes, I put on a sundress and drench it. The wetness clings to me and keeps me cooler for longer periods of time.

Bumming it in the wilderness is hard, though I still think it’ll be well worth it in the end.

Tom said he saw two trucks, apparently together, go by while he was outside. Damn, that’s about as much traffic in two days as we had in two months! I got mad at him when I said I hoped they weren’t spies come to shoot me for what we’ve got, and he overreacted and put words in my mouth, saying I never had to come back here again, he’d take me to a motel, etc. I assured him I wouldn’t have come here in the first place if I had any serious worries. It just really bothers me when he reads false things into what I say or misunderstands me, but we worked it out and had a pleasant chat later on.

He was telling me about his strange variety of coworkers. He works with young radicals who aren’t so radical at all compared to the young rads of big cities. There’s a mean-looking chick who’s been in jail lots of times and carries a convicted felon card. For what, though? A souvenir? Of course there are your all-American religious fanatics as well. Lots of stormin’ Mormons here, though they’re tame as hell compared to other groups. They don’t rob our tax dollars, gang-bang it on the streets, and wreak general havoc on people’s day-to-day lives like the freeloaders do.

Oregon water is definitely better than Arizona’s. Both my skin and hair are much softer. That’s reason enough not to return to Arizona!

I let the rat run around at night, but I have to really watch him or else he’ll jump up on Tom’s bed and wake him up, as well as get into shit I don’t want him getting into. He’s gotten to be quite a jumper/climber.

I want to eventually build up a perfume collection. I totally regret giving all those bottles of perfume to Keri at the Crystal Creek apartment complex, but at the time, I thought that that was what was setting off my allergies.

I can’t remember when the last time was that I had to use the snot spray, but I know it’s been months. And soon it’ll be 8 months with no inhaler!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 12, 2004 Another hot day out there, though it shouldn’t get as hot as yesterday. Tom says yesterday was probably to be the hottest day of the year, from what he heard. Another thing that’s different about today is that there are some clouds out there, but not enough to dump rain on us and drop the temperature. That’s supposed to happen tomorrow, though!

Last night’s spectacle in the sky was fabulous! What a show it was to watch the shooting stars. I saw about half a dozen of them. I saw millions of bright stars as well as stars I could barely make out that one could never see in the bright lights of the city.

I’m amazed at how many vehicles travel the highway so late at night. They mostly sound like truckers, though. I can tell they’re big rigs, although there could be cars with quiet engines too. Once inside the house, we probably won’t be able to hear any at all. I’m just glad we’re not at the base of the mountain because then it may be a little louder than I’d like. Up here, though, even the motorcycles are no problem.

What appeared to be a private plane flew over here earlier. Hopefully, they weren’t spies up to no good. I mean, what better way to see who’s around than by flying over the area?

Later…

There is a good God after all. It’s not raining, but it’s clouding up like hell out there. It’s making it a bit more humid, but it’s dropping the temperature! Still, we need a good downpour to cool things off significantly.

I shaved my legs today and tomorrow I’ll shower and wash my hair.

Amazingly, Tom didn’t wake me up for two days in a row, but I heard him leave this morning.

As much as I miss palms and cactuses, this land is way better. I guess the ponderosa pines are the best, though they make a mess with their pinecones.

Yesterday, after a few dry days, I was as thirsty as I was in Arizona. I know water is good for you, but I don’t miss the days of having to drink 10 glasses a day and always having to up and pee. I was easily going through one roll of toilet paper a day!

I’ve been snacking on peanuts in between my two meals and sharing some with the chipmunks. Since it’s been too hot to sit outside and eat with them, I was sitting by the door eating some when I spotted a baby chipmunk begging by the door after it heard the bag rustling and the shells cracking.

I even share my soup with them. Meaty things I like cooked, like clam chowder, but I have this mushroom-stuffed ravioli soup that I like and I eat the ravioli and the mushrooms, then I dump the carrots and juice out for them without ever dirtying up a pot and they love it.

Later…

Again the baby chipmunk came to beg when I went to munch on a few more peanuts. This time it hopped up onto the step, but when I went to open the door to personally hand it to it, it ran off.

It looks like it’s going to peak at 88º, which would’ve been more like 90º had we not had that hour or so of cloudiness.

Saturday we’re going out and I assume we’re going to eat at our usual place. I’d love to be waited on by that smiley waitress just to see how she acts, but I know that’ll never happen. I’ve only seen her there once, so perhaps she was fired as quickly as she was hired.

Since I like to dip my own incense in between orders, but only have two fragrances left, I think I’ll order wholesale next time. Instead of getting $50 of incense, though, I’ll get about $30 in incense and the rest in oils.

What the hell’s taking so long with the damn land deed? See, this is what I mean when I bitch about others always holding us up!

Later…

Jeff did respond after all. He said Bob canned the free shipping on orders exceeding $35, but that they’re adding new inventory to their site, and to check out the events page on the site because Bob’s around the region spreading “good smells.” We checked and found he went to a place called Boardman, Oregon, wherever that is, but there are no upcoming trips to KF from what I can see.

Tom said he saw tracks saying that someone drove by, but I didn’t see anyone. Just that plane that was pretty much directly overhead.

Tom just came to tell me that a couple of kids cruised by on ATVs (I didn’t hear it over the hum of the AC) and I asked if they seemed like they were up to no good. He said no and that they even waved to him. Maybe those were the tracks he saw earlier.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2004 Yesterday was a carbon copy of the day before at 88º and we’re still a couple of hours from the drop-off point. But this is the last time we’ll ever have to be put out like this and made to live like bums, right? Right???

When I got up I found we were low on water, so I had to go and deal with that and forget about having time to wake up.

Like I said, it’s like something wants to keep us going. There’s always, always so much to do! I can totally see, like it or not, why a kid wasn’t meant to be. Where would we have fit it into our hectic lives? For the most part, it’s like Tom and I have been on this fast-running train since we met, and I’d like to get off it for once and I’m sure he’d like to, too.

Later…

Although higher at 91º, the peak came a half-hour earlier today. I just wish it were Maricopa-windy!

I gave Blondie a pair of old socks last night and he’s curled up asleep on them. He’s so cute. I love this rat dearly. He’s definitely runner-up to Little Buddy!

Later…

For the first time in days, I can see a few thin streaks of clouds. It seems to rain less here than during your average monsoon season in Arizona!

No reply from the incense people. Now that really worries me. That’s okay, though, because if they fuck up this order, I’ll give them a nasty review and move on to someplace else if I have to. They have a survey page and they stress to their customers not to hesitate to express any complaints, so complain I will if they fuck this one up. They’ve been botching every other order so far.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2004 Just when I was thinking about how his family really doesn’t give a shit about us because they can’t even call or email to see how we’re faring, Tom gets an email from Mary. All she mostly had to say was that they haven’t gotten much rain, though she heard the weather was nice up here. Also, her lilies are blooming like crazy.

This morning was the third time his movements didn’t jar me awake. Guess I was tired.

The bluebells never did come back and even the butterflies seem to be lessening. I do have a new friend, though, and that’s a real squirrel! It’s bigger than the chipmunks with a big bushy tail and adorably cute! Haven’t seen the rat in a while, though.

Tom got the tank from storage today and now Blondie’s in the RV permanently.

I knew the truck would have a problem any minute now. Well, a fuse blew on the headlights, so Tom had to wait for the sun to come up before he could drive down the mountain. He said he saw a dead snake in the road too, but couldn’t tell what kind it was.

My pink twister faded to a lighter shade of pink. It’ll be interesting to see how much it fades and what it looks like when it does.

Later…

He saw something pretty funny at a church the other day. Like most churches that see evil in everything, they particularly see the TV as being evil, so they had a message on their little billboard saying, “Kill your television.” Well, some kids apparently came around and altered the letters to make it say, “Kill yourself.” It was rather funny.

I’m wondering if the incense people no longer do free shipping on retail orders over $35 because there was a $7.35 shipping charge on my order form and I couldn’t find where they used to mention that on their site. I emailed them about it. Hopefully, I’ll have a reply tomorrow.

MONDAY, AUGUST 9, 2004 The T-shirt place, after all this time, called Tom to let him know he could have a job there. He called them back to let them know he found work elsewhere, figuring that if he were nice enough to respond, they may hire him in the future if MCX doesn’t work out.

Meanwhile, it got pretty hot today. I fell asleep at 4 AM and when the heat woke me up I thought it was 1 PM, but it was only 11 AM and already 82º. I was afraid it’d get into the 90s, but fortunately it peaked at 88º. Thanks to his being able to get the generator going once he got home, we were then able to run the AC and drop it 13º in just a couple of hours.

I thought about putting tin foil outside the windows by my bed, but we don’t have any. Instead, I draped a heavy towel over the curtain rod. These old curtains are nearly transparent.

Because it was Arizona-dry, it wasn’t so bad. I went out and poured a couple of gallons of water over my head at one point, though. It was quite refreshing and kept me cool for a while with my wet hair and clothes clinging to me.

When I went out the first time, I discovered Baldilocks dead. Tom and I both noticed that he looked off yesterday. I threw him by the abandoned trailer. He wasn’t a very sociable rat, so I can’t say it breaks my heart to know that he’s gone. He wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t nice. I decided not to get Blondie a new roommate since he can be rather aggressive. I don’t think I’ll get any more rats till we’re in the house.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8, 2004 Today and yesterday were a bit stressful. No wonder they didn’t have a life a century ago. They were too busy trying to keep the essentials going. Between having to fix things, set up things and unclog the toilet, we’ve been rather busy.

Unfortunately, Tom hasn’t had much luck with the horses, but I ordered my incense! I’ll be getting 24 20-packs and 12 5-packs. Hope they don’t fuck up! I noticed they changed their time frame. It used to say it usually took 5 days to process orders, but now it’s saying 10-14. Is this because they’ve gotten more business or because they’re having trouble getting oils? Either way, I hope to get my order by the 25th.

After thinking about it, there are only 3 other states I wouldn’t mind living in. The rest I don’t care. Those states are California, Hawaii and Florida. Wherever we go next, I just hope it doesn’t happen for at least a decade!

Very surprisingly, I woke up at 125 pounds!

He managed to get the generator to run today after a million tries. Since it could be days before he gets it going again, I vacuumed the RV.

As for the toilet, he had to unclog it by jamming a wire hanger up it. It’s like, thanks, God. This is just the kind of life we need!

The AC works, so that’s good, but without the big generator going it can only run for a few minutes at a time off the inverter. It’s going to be hot all week, once again, so we’re doing what we did before, turning the heat off, opening windows, and letting it get as cold as possible in here by morning so it might not get as hot.

I’m breezing through No Escape. I wish all my books were this easy and fun to write! Well, they’re always fun, they’re just not always this easy.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7, 2004 As I just told Tom, we’re going to have to compromise with the rats. Instead of throwing them back outside, we’re going to need to put them in the tank to keep their smell confined. In such a confined space as this trailer is, their being in the big open cage really stinks the place up. In fact, I’m going to throw them outside, since they can handle it, till we get the tank. I swear something is determined to badger me with horrid smells till I die!

Meanwhile, the fucking generator is continuing to act up. The new spark plug seemed to help, but now it won’t start. When the evil above went after our shit like always, I was hoping it’d skip the more expensive things, but nope. And as always, we’re stuck being forced to stop and play fix-it between that and the shit tank that got clogged.

We’re going to get a camping heater for the shed if I ever get in the damn thing, and one for the truck. That way, when he breaks down when it’s freezing cold out, he won’t freeze to death when he stops to play fix-it with that.

He said he saw fresh deer tracks in back this morning.

It’s to be hot tomorrow and the next day, so I hope the window AC he got won’t be broken like the printer’s black cartridge and like most of the things we buy.

Today we went to Fred Meyer and got a stove-top popcorn-making kit.

On our way down the mountain, we finally stopped to see the guy who usually has a roadside swap meet set up at the start of the paved roads. For just a couple of bucks, I got a huge box of all kinds of different envelopes. There are several different colors, sizes and designs. Some are holiday decorations. There were a lot of Father’s Day cards, St. Patrick’s cards and a few Halloween and Thanksgiving cards, too. Most of the decorations are flowers. There were tons of St. Patrick’s stickers too, but I have no use for those.

They’ve really come to know us as regulars at the Chinese place. Two of the waitresses and the owner chatted with us today.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6, 2004 Never does an August 6th go by that I don’t remember the gorgeous and bigoted Rosemarie of the Vista Ventana. She, along with Donna, gave me my first taste of just how prejudiced Arizonans are towards gays. The reason August 6th reminds me of her is that I remember it being said that that was her birthday and we met right around that time. She’s a year older than me. I wonder, at 39 years of age is she still skinny and beautiful? Still hating gays. Still with shit cocks like the fucker she was with? Rick was his name and he’s another one I wish I let have it. Well, I started to a while later after he came to my door telling me he “understood” my fantasy about Rosemarie, and don’t “lurk.” I remember running up to his door and kicking and screaming at it while Dave, the security guard, called the pigs. Only he and his snob of a bitch didn’t have the guts to answer me. They knew by then that I was so fed up and furious with their silly fears and phobias, but it was the “don’t lurk” command that really set me off.

How different the Jodi of today would’ve handled them! Even if that would’ve meant getting my own ass kicked, it would’ve been worth it to stand up for myself, and stand up for myself I will the next time someone thinks they can either order me around or threaten me simply because I’m barely 5’ tall. And no, I won’t care how much of a direct or indirect hold they may have on me! Nor will I care about size, race or gender.

I have $15 now. Because we had to get several non-edible things which tend to be more costly, next week’s grocery run should give me the $25 more I need to make the $40 incense order I want. Then, on the weekend of the 28th - 29th, I’ll take whatever I get on the 20th and 27th to get some perfume at Walmart or Fred Meyer.

The rats have been easier to sleep with than I thought they’d be. This is mostly because it’s easier to go to sleep to noise, rather than to fall asleep and then have it get noisy. I go to sleep when they’re most active, but throughout most of my sleep, they’re asleep, too.

Although I wasn’t kidding when I said I was tired of all the moving and starting over, the idea of going to a Florida retirement community sometime after he retires is appealing to me. I couldn’t blast my music or sing too loud, but by then I’m sure I’ll be sick of the cold and snow as I got sick of Arizona’s dry heat, so why not go to a place that’s warm all year long, unlike in Arizona, and be eligible to go where the freeloaders and kids can’t go? The only negative there would be the humidity and the bugs. To end up living in 5 states would be cool and when I rewrite my autobiography someday, I can have 4 parts – New England, The Desert, The Pacific Northwest, and the Tropics (even though it’s not literally the tropics).

Tom says they may fire a lazy cock he works with and a woman with a big mouth. From what he says, she butts into people’s discussions, complains all the time, and thinks she’s better than everyone.

I’m going to have so much typing to do next time I get on my PC! I not only want to start a letter to Bob, but I also have like 5 journal pages to type, and who knows how many of my story I’ll have? The story Anyone’s Dream, which I renamed No Escape, is going so well. As for Traces of Hope, I may either dump it or put it off for a while. I basically hit writer’s block with that one, so I’ll have to do something crazy and extreme with it to liven things up.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5, 2004 It’s like September in Massachusetts outside today. Cool and cloudy. Setting the heat at 55º last night instead of 65º was a dumb idea. It was only 69º come 11:30 this morning! I warmed it up to 75º and now it’s 79º. It shouldn’t get any warmer than that.

Later…

What’s going on? Oh, just fighting with the usual breakage curse. The fucking generator that’s only 5 years old is acting up. Who knows if we’ll be forced to shell out $600 of our permit/shed/shower money for a new one that’ll just break before its time like this one? As it is, I have to worry about all our other shit breaking. I worry the heater’s going to break, or the stove, or the computers, etc. It’s been nearly a month now without any major truck trouble, so that ought to be acting up any minute. It just never ends!

Meanwhile, I did get a Bob letter today. Yes, he’d like any stories, journals or jokes. I’m sending my big story. Once he confirms he got it, I’ll send some short stories, pictures and journal excerpts covering the trip.

He said that only his old landlady writes him occasionally and that he hasn’t gotten any visits in 7 years which is kind of sad. After being railroaded myself, I’m more convinced than ever that he was, too. I always said the guy didn’t have it in him to rape a fly, he never tried anything on me, and I think his worst crime was being too nice to say no to the delinquents who wanted his booze.

He says he’s got 3½ years to go, though where he’ll go and what he’ll do for money beats me. I hope he doesn’t get his hopes up about seeing me because the only way that could happen would be if he came here and stood in a motel. We won’t have the room for him, and even if we did, I doubt his presence would make Tom very comfortable no matter how much of a harmless, feeble old soul he may be. I sure as hell couldn’t be the one to go to him since I hate to travel. If it were that easy, then yeah, why not? He gave me rides, chatted with me on the phone, and more or less was like a surrogate father to me.

Tom just came in to say he thinks the problem with the generator is the spark plug which is only $3 and should be replaced every year. This one’s never been replaced, so it’s well overdue.

Instead of using the laptop for music in the shed, I’m going to use my usual music computer for a few reasons. 1. It’s got all my songs on it. 2. Its screen darkens. 3. It’s faster and easier to use.

The only drawback is that it’ll use more juice which will mean I can’t run it as long. It’s a trade-off that’s worthwhile, though. This way he can always have the laptop available for handicapping.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2004 Tom got me a Lexmark printer yesterday, and of course there had to be something not working right with it, and that was the black ink cartridge. Oh well. At least I got to print in color. I printed Angel Eyes for Bob. If he gets it, I’ll send the short stories he hasn’t read yet.

The Tyler doll is going to be put on hold for two reasons. One is that I can’t find a way to order from the site that has her on sale, and two is because they never responded to my email which makes me think they’re not all that serious about doing business. As it is, I will not buy a mannequin when we get into the house from the Delaware site. I’ve sent a few emails over a space of time and not one was ever responded to.

Later…

Tom said they all got treated to ice cream yesterday at work. Something they did last month, he said, to earn it.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2004 Tom sent a text message saying he’s picking up a printer today, so I can finally print! I went and got my computer paper out and of course that had to be a 20-minute ordeal. I’m so sick of having to move 20 things just to get to one thing! I totally miss being able to walk up to something and get it, and with more than 2-3 feet of space to do it in. It’s okay, though. I won’t be living like a welfare bum, cramped in this tiny old dump forever. In fact, compensation for our years of struggling has already begun, slowly but surely. Tom won $76 yesterday on a horse bet! And this is from a guy who’s way rusty. We currently have a $56 profit. Back when he was in the Air Force, which provided the same shit fixed income SS & SSI did, he horse-handicapped on the side to survive.

I’m not even going to bother to try to figure out how to set up my voicemail on this phone. See, that’s why I’m not even sure I want to get a dishwasher for the house. Everything’s so complex these days with a million buttons. There’s no such thing anymore as a simple washer with a ‘start’ button and that’s it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 1, 2004 Today was a fun day, though I got pissed off for a few minutes at one point. We first stopped at the mail place and learned we had a package waiting for us. I’m sure it’s a sample of some kind.

We went to the Chinese place where this waitress I’ve never seen before kept eyeing me with big, bright smiles. At least she was my type – tall with dark hair/eyes, though too thin. Also, I know it’s unfair to judge someone by their occupation, especially since I don’t even have one, but I wouldn’t want to fool around with anyone with such a menial job. In fact, I wouldn’t want to fool around with anyone at all.

We went to Sears for a new hole saw to put up the clothesline because the one he got before broke (figures).

We went to this nicer Laundromat near where he works. Their side-loading washers are way cooler than their top-loaders. They do a better job too, and we’ll probably get one in the house, along with an oven with a flat-top stove. The only thing we won’t be able to have because of the compost system will be a garbage disposal, but that won’t be any big loss. I won’t mind scraping leftovers into the trash and this time around we’re going to have the trash compactor that Steven and his twisted, scamming associates fucked us out of. No one’s going to dictate or control what we get with this house, nor are they going to take it away from us!

We stopped in where I got my wind chimes, and for just $4, I got a purple one with seashells that go nicely next to my pink hearts, and a metallic magenta twister that spins and shines in the sunlight.

What got me pissed was when this stupid cock parked in front of the gate at the storage place. I was just about to ask him to move when he came out and did so, only he didn’t quite back up far enough, the stupid idiot, and there was another car coming from the opposite direction, making it even harder for us to pull out. So I motioned for the dumb shit to back up some more and then Tom got all mad at me, saying I shouldn’t be pissing everybody off by using hand signals and I was like – tough shit! I had every right to be pissed and I felt like he was condemning me for it and more concerned about how I may make others feel than with how I felt, and that really, really bothers me! It bothers the hell out of me when he gets on me for being angry. I mean, if you can’t support the one you love when they get pissed, then why don’t you just say nothing at all, rather than defend or make excuses for whoever or whatever pissed them off. Why can’t he handle it when I get pissed? Do I need to suppress my anger and hope I don’t explode? Maybe turn it inward like I did as a kid? He’s just so damn paranoid about how others may react, I guess, pointing out that it’s a Western thing for people to shoot others, and as I told him, those are extreme cases, you can’t go through life worrying about how others may react, and I shouldn’t have to let people stop me from saying what I have to say or doing what I have to do, within normal reason, just because it may hurt their poor feelings. My feelings are just as important as anyone else’s. There’s a fine line between literally provoking someone and kissing their asses, and I wasn’t doing either. Nothing I did was inappropriate in any way. I have a right to be me as he does himself, and I told him that over and over again, not to expect me to join him in his world of paranoia and expect me to become him, and to just allow me to be angry when I see fit to be. I wasn’t taking it out on him, and if I had been, then I could see him jumping down my throat. Meanwhile, I’m not going to suppress my emotions or chicken out of expressing myself just because there’s a remote possibility someone couldn’t handle it. If they want to shoot me because they’re too weak-minded to handle something I may say, let them, and let them spend the rest of their lives in jail for it because sooner or later I would think that someone’s going to fuck with me that not even God could protect.

We’re cursed all over again with the foul odors. This time, though, it has an obvious source – the shit tank. The only question is, is it really the shit tank, or the place he buried the last tankful that’s stinking? I put chemicals down the toilet, but as I figured would be the case, it still stinks.

Anyway, while we were at the storage place, I got the soft downy blanket that’s not quite made of wool (I don’t know exactly what it is) and am going to use that as a sheet so I don’t have to use the big comforter anymore as a sheet but only as the blanket it was meant to be. This is the blanket I used to wrap my big princess Ciara doll in, but she can just stand in storage without it. It was for the drive up here that it was meant to be used to protect her from any big bumps in the road.

I may get that redheaded Tyler doll before my next incense order because I found a site that’s got her on sale. It’ll depend on how long she’s to be on sale. I emailed and asked, so hopefully they can tell me. If the shit tank keeps stinking like it has, though, I won’t want to wait too much longer on the incense.

Later…

Tom won $15 on online horseracing bets. He was always good at handicapping and says that with a little practice, he should be able to get 3-4 hundred a month, which we can split for fun. Because I didn’t think they’d ever be all that much, I told him to put any eBay profits toward the house. We need to either get a new camera or fix this one first, though.

Tom says the smell’s coming from outside and that the shit tank has always had a leak, so he deluded the smell by dumping old water from the shower tank on it.

What with how cursed we are with leaks and breakage, I’m amazed at how much works in this dump. The heat works, the lighting works, the stove works, the pump works, etc.

I really hope I get a reply to my email saying that Tyler will be on sale all month or longer because I really want to get the incense first. However, with a doll that’s regularly $42 - $59, I don’t really want to pass up a sale of $36. That’s just the base price, though, so who knows about shipping? It’s probably about $8.

Once, when Tom was sitting outside playing games on his phone, a chipmunk walked right between his feet, scaring the shit out of him. He even got a good scare from a bat one time when he was out after dark.

[apriorisea]

“One Year” You x Namjoon

Sitting back, you reach up to lift your hair away from the sweat on the back of your neck, feeling equal parts relief and disgust as the soft breeze cools you down a little. The day was warm but not unbearable, with a picturesque blue-sky dotted with the fluffiest clouds. Exhaling softly, you look back at your dad’s gravestone. “What a perfect day for a picnic, right, dad? I should’ve packed one. I wasn’t even thinking. ....Maybe next time.”     In the 30 minutes you’d been at the cemetery, you’d managed to clear away the dead flowers and replace them with new bouquets, arranging them painstakingly.       “I know mom wanted to be here,” you continue, your voice low and calm; since your father had passed away exactly 1 year ago today, you’d grown into the habit of casually talking to him sometimes. “But grandpa’s still recovering from his surgery, so she decided she needed to stay with him.” You settle into a more comfortable position, tracing the writing on the headstone with your eyes. “....I miss you, dad.”      The sound of tires driving maybe a little too fast up the path behind you causes you to turn. A shiny black sedan (all of the windows tinted dark) pulls up in a hurry, and one of the back doors is thrown open to reveal your boyfriend. He climbs out agitatedly, then leans back in to grab a basket before slamming the door behind him and turning to scan the cemetery, looking for you.      You get to your feet, unable to accurately describe the feeling that’s floating through you now, and give a little wave when his eyes land on you. In an instant, his replaces his semi-stressed expression with a genuine smile and makes his way towards you; behind him, the shiny black sedan drives away slowly.       “Joonie,” you exclaim when he’s a few feet away. “You’re here!”      He wraps you in a one-armed hug, accepting your kiss eagerly. “Of course, babe,” he says with that perfect smile of his. He lets go of you so he can reach up to smooth a strand of your hair back from your face. “I said I would be.”      “I know.” You’re so happy you can’t stop smiling. “But you’ve been so busy, I---”      “Thought I wouldn’t show up?” he teases, raising one eyebrow.       You grin and reach for his hand. “I’m so glad you’re here.”      He squeezes your hand tight, then his gaze drifts to the headstone in front of you both. Bowing his head respectfully, he says in a low voice, “Sir. Sorry I’m late.”      “It’s okay.” You know he was talking to your dad---a fact that warms your heart---but you answer for him. “Dad and I were just catching up a little, talking about the weather....Isn’t it just the most perfect day for a picnic?”      “Ah.” He lifts the basket with a smile. “I thought the exact same!”      Your mouth falls open at this. “Namjoon...How did you know??” In your giddiness, you reach up to kiss his cheek.       Beaming, he releases your hand so he can set the basket on the warm grass. Bending down to open the basket, he produces a small blanket, spreading it out and helping you sit. “Perfect blue sky, fluffy white clouds,” he lists. “Your dad always said that was the best weather for a picnic. Right, sir?”      You feel the tears well-up in your eyes. Namjoon had only known your father for 2 months before he’d died, but in that short time the two of them had grown very close. It was a huge source of comfort to you to know that your dad had met the love of your life---and had approved. As you watch your boyfriend unpack the picnic, you feel a surge of gratitude.       When everything is set out and ready, you scoot closer to him, kissing his cheek one more time. “This looks amazing.”      He grins, but shrugs one shoulder. “I can’t really take credit. One of the managers put it together for me while I was in rehearsal.”      At that exact moment, you hear his phone buzzing relentlessly in his pocket, but he makes no move to grab it. Frowning a little, you nod slowly. “Are you supposed to be somewhere else right now?”     “Nope,” he says immediately. Digging for his phone, he silences the call.      “But....are you sure?” The comeback was only weeks away, and you rarely saw him these days as he burned the candle at both ends in preparation for the big release. “I know you had rehearsal and some photo shoots scheduled for today.”      He puts a hand on your knee. “Don’t worry, love,” he says with a softer smile. “This is exactly where I’m supposed to be. It’s in my schedule and everything.” When you give him a look, he grabs his phone and opens the calendar app, flipping the screen towards you. “See??”      You feel the breath catch in your throat as you see, tucked in-between notes of rehearsals and fittings and photo shoots, your name surrounded by hearts. “You didn’t have to do that,” you, your voice wobbly with emotion. “I know how busy you are these days, how many other places you could be right now...”      “Hey....” Leaning over, he tucks your hair behind your ear, his fingers lingering against your skin. “My love, I promise you: there is nowhere I would rather be right now.” His thumb brushes your cheek absently. “I’m just sorry I was late.”     You turn your head to kiss his palm. “You’re right on time. Right, dad?”     Namjoon smiles, taking his hand back and turning to the food spread out in front of you both. Taking your plate, he starts to fill it with food. “Do you know that was one of the first conversations he and I had?”      “What was?” You smile fondly as you watch him.       “He warned me about how much you hated tardiness,” he says with a laugh. “It was literally his first ‘tip’ for me.”      You laugh in delight. “Really??”      “Oh, yeah. He warned me that, for the rest of my life, I should just get used to being places at least 20 minutes early. And more than 20 minutes if it was a really big deal.”      “And what did you say?”      “I said that sounds perfect. I need someone to keep me honest about time and schedules.” He sets your plate in front of you as his phones goes off again.      Your gaze wanders to it automatically. “Do you?” you say quietly, more to yourself than to him.       As he starts to serve himself, he goes on, “But after we’d joked a little, he got more serious, reminded me how much you worry when people are late, how much stress it puts on you. Don’t ever do that to her, if you can help it, he told me. She needs to know she can rely on you.” He pauses, his eyes going to the headstone. “I worry a lot about that, actually. Especially weeks like these when I’m so busy.”      You stare at him. “Worry about what??”      He sighs, turning reluctantly to meet your gaze. “If you can rely on me.”      Exhaling softly, you climb to your knees and move towards him, throwing your arms around his neck. “Of course I can rely on you, Joonie.”     His arms come up automatically to hold you, but his voice is muffled as he says, “Are you sure?”      “Absolutely!” You pull back a little, taking his face in your hands. “Look at where we are right now! You carved out time in your crazy schedule to come sit with me in a cemetery---and,” you add, your voice getting a little louder, “You brought a picnic!”      He laughs, some of his worry fading.      “You are the most important person in my life,” you say more seriously. “The only one I know I can always rely on. Always.”     Closing the gap between the two of you, he kisses you for a long moment. “I hope so. Your dad also threatened to come haunt me if I didn’t live up to your expectations.”      “Well, you haven’t seen any ghosts so far, right?”      He laughs. “Right.”      Releasing him, you sit back down right next to him and he snakes his arm around your waist to keep you close. You reach for his plate, pressing it into his free hand. “Eat up. I’m sure you didn’t eat anything for breakfast this morning.”     Smiling, he nods. “Yes, ma’am.”     You roll your eyes playfully and grab your own plate, but you get distracted while watching him. “He loved you, Joon.”      Eyes wide, his mouth full, he looks over at you.       Giggling at his expression, you nod. “He told me....he told me he was glad I had you. That he knew he could leave, because you would be around to take care of me, to keep me safe, to be there. He said he was so glad he got to meet you before...” You trail off; both of you have tears in your eyes now.     After a moment, he squeezes your waist. “He was an incredible man,” he says in a reverent tone. “I miss him.”     “Me, too.” You rest your head on his shoulder. When his phone buzzes again, you nod at his plate. “Eat, baby. I know you don’t have a lot of time left.”      He looks apologetic, but does as he’s told, and the two (three) of you fall into a comfortable silence. You close your eyes, letting the warm sun, the cool breeze, your dad’s memory, and Namjoon’s presence lull you into a state of absolute peace. When he finishes eating, you sit up and coax him to lay down, resting his head in your lap. You run your fingers through his hair as the two of you talk through some of your favorite memories of your dad, sometimes laughing, sometimes getting teary again. It’s the perfect moment.       But all too soon, you hear the tires on the pavement again, and when the shiny black sedan pulls up, you know he can’t ignore his buzzing phone any longer.     Sitting up, he turns to look at you, an apology on his tongue.      You shake your head, instead leaning forward to kiss him. “Thank you,” you say quietly. “This was everything to me. I love you.”     “I love you, too,” he says. “I wish I could stay longer.”     “It’s okay,” you say with a small grin. “Dad and I need a chance to rave over how perfect and precious you are, anyway, and we can hardly do that while you’re here.”     He laughs, but when his phone starts to buzz again, he reluctantly reaches to pack up the basket again.     “Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” you say brightly, getting to your feet and helping him up. “Go back to work, my brilliant Idol.”      Rolling his eyes a little at your teasing, he wraps his arms around your waist. “Thanks for letting me spend some time with you guys today,” he says, kissing your forehead. “I love you both.”     “I know. We love you more,” you say with a smile. “Now, get going! I’ll see you tonight?”       He nods, and as he releases you, you can see him settling back into his professional persona, already thinking about the work ahead. “I’ll text you as soon as I know when I might be home. But it might be late...It will probably be late.”     “It will definitely be late,” you laugh. “But it’s okay. Just rest when you can, and I’ll see you later, all right?”     “I promise. Drive home safe, okay? Text me when you get there.”     “Yes, sir,” you tease, and watch him with a fond smile as he jogs back to the shiny car. You watch it drive away, then turn back to your dad.      “What a perfect day, right?”      

[imitranslates]

Fukigen na Mononokean Ch. 78

Thanks so much for the well wishes, guys! I’ve been feeling a lot better, so without further ado: It’s time for Ashiya’s family trip! Maybe there’s a clue to be found during this time of rest, after all...

Please remember to check out the official English release when it comes out, preferably on Crunchyroll if you’re able to!

The newest chapter can be read on the official website by clicking the yellow button labeled 読む!

Fukigen na Mononokean Chapter 78 - Distant Ripples

Page 1

(Ashiya: Aoi-saaan, where are you?!)

[December 31st.]

[There is half of winter break remaining.]

Page 2

Mononokean: I'll open a door close to the Kurage Hot Springs Inn.

Ashiya: Excuse me for leaving first!

Ashiya: I'll be leaving for my family trip!

Page 3

Mononokean: We'll come to get you from the same spot tomorrow morning.

Ashiya: I'll be in your care!

Ashiya: Well, see you tomorrow!

Happy New Year to you all!

Mononokean: Happy New Year to you, too, Hanae~!

Abeno: Happy New Year...

Mononokean: I'll be waiting for my souvenir~!

Page 4

Mononokean: !?

Mononokean: Kyaaah!? Itsuki, what are you doing!?

Abeno: Rolling up your hanging scroll.

Mononokean: Why!?

Abeno: I've been so busy and focused lately that I've neglected my upkeep of the tearoom.

Abeno: A lot of demons will probably visit tomorrow for New Year's greetings. (Like Okina-dono.)

Abeno: I'll be giving you a spring cleaning. (Just stay there for awhile.)

Mononokean: (Wipe the alcove gently, okay...! Gently...!!)

Page 5

Hostess: Ashiya-sama.

We've been awaiting your arrival.

Hostess: Your room is the "Starfish Room."

[Starfish room: Ashiya-sama.]

Hostess: Please consider this a place of relaxation.

Hostess: Your companions have already arrived.

(Hostess: Excuse me.)

Page 6

Nara: Come on in!

Chisaki: Hanae~! Good work coming such a long way!

Ashiya: (Thanks for waiting!) Maaan, it really was a long way to come from the house! (It took an instant with the Mononokean...)

Chisaki: I sent all sorts of messages, but I didn't get any response, so I was worried!

Ashiya: (Huh?!) Sorry...! I was so busy that I totally forgot to check my phone! (There's so many notifications!!)

Ashiya: (The Underworld is out of range so any communications from Japan won't connect...)

Page 7

Nara: At any case, the three of us are all here!

Nara: It's cold outside, so I bet you're feeling a little chilled, huh?

Nara: Why not use the hot spring to warm yourself up before dinner? (Your sister and I have already tried them out, so we'll wait for you.)

Ashiya: That sounds good! Then, I'll go enter the hot springs!

Ashiya: (I'm not cold, but I did get all sweaty from walking around the forests!)

Ashiya: I haven't been to a hot spring since my middle school trip...

Ashiya: (No, wait... Since I accompanied Okina-san on his trip to the Tougen Hot Spring.)

[Ashiya: A geyser...?!]

(Ashiya: My school uniform got totally soaked...)

Page 8

Ashiya: Fu--Huh?!

Chisaki: What's wrong? (Fu...?)

Nara: (You scared me...) Did you forget something?

Ashiya: N... No?

Ashiya: There's just something in my bag that I didn't mean to bring...

Page 9

Ashiya: Fuzzy~~

Ashiya: You shouldn't sneak out without permission~~

Ashiya: I'm going to have to tell Abeno-san~~

(Ashiya: Hey, Abeno-san? Fuzzy ran off again~)

Page 10

Ashiya: There's crab!!

Nara: There's crab!?

Chisaki: Let's dig in~!

(Ashiya: It's soo good!)

(Nara: Delicious!)

(Chisaki: The meat is so tender!)

Chisaki: Do you want some sake to drink, Mom?

(Chisaki: You've worked so hard this year!)

Nara: I'll indulge! What about you, Chisaki?

Chisaki: Well, maybe I'll just have a little.

Chisaki: What do you want to drink, Hanae?

Ashiya: Orange juice!

Page 11

Ashiya: !?

Page 12

Ashiya: Mom?

Ashiya: If you're tired, you should go to sleep... (Or are you tipsy?)

Nara: I can't sleep yet!

Nara: Not until we do the New Year's Countdown!

Ashiya: (Even if you say that, you fell asleep last year and the year before that... So, probably this year, too...)

(Ashiya: It's because she's used to getting up early for work...)

Nara: Chisaki's gone... (I wonder where she went...)

Ashiya: She told us she was going to relax in the hot spring one more time,

and left a little ago! (You even said, "Have fun," remember?)

Page 13

Nara: Chisaki's always liked baths since she was little...

Nara: The first time we brought her along to an inn, she ended up going to the baths five times in two days and one night.

Ashiya: Was that trip before I was born? (This is the first time I've been to a traditional inn on a family trip...)

Nara: Yeah...

Page 14

Ashiya: Was dad there, too?

Nara: Yeah...

Nara: It was the three of us, me, Chisaki, and Sakae.

Page 15

Nara: Visiting art galleries and historical landmarks... Exploring shrines and eating local delicacies...

Sakae-kun was bad with crowded places, but he seemed so happy to spend time with Chisaki...

(Ashiya: Yeah?)

Nara: We took a family trip around midwinter season back then, too.

Tons of snow had piled up, so we played in the snow...

Nara: That reminds me... When we playing outside the inn,

There was an avalanche nearby, so we heard a thunderous roar.

Ashiya: An avalanche?!

Page 16

Ashiya: There was an avalanche near your destination?!

Nara: We were safe...

The avalanche was somewhere people couldn't easily get to, so no one was buried in it.

Nara: But... Sakae-kun seemed a little strange for a moment.

Page 17

(Chisaki: I finished it!)

(Nara: It's really good!)

(Chisaki: I'll make one more!)

Nara: ?

Page 18

Nara: Sakae-kun? Is something wrong?

Sakae: .....

Nara: ?

Sakae: You didn't hear that voice saying "help" somewhere?

Page 19

Nara: Wha?!

Nara: I didn't notice anything...!

Nara: ?

Nara: I don't hear anything... Can you still hear it, Sakae-kun?

Sakae: Yeah, faintly...

Nara: ...I really can't hear anything. (Just Chisaki's humming.)

Sakae: I see...

Page 20

Sakae: That's fine then.

Sakae: I must have misheard it.

Nara: But, there was that avalanche that happened close by...

It couldn't be...

Sakae: Didn't the people at the inn say it wasn't anywhere people could reach?

Sakae: ...It's cold. We should hurry up and get back to the inn.

Nara: Yeah...

Sakae: You, too, Chisaki...

Chisaki: !

Page 21

Chisaki: Huuuh?

Sakae: ......

Chisaki: Dad!

Sakae: ......

Page 22

Sakae: .....If it wasn't the voice of a girl, then...

I don't have any duty to go save them, and I could just ignore that I'd ever heard it...

Nara: Huh?

Sakae: Nara...

Page 23

Sakae: I'll be back soon, so... Look after Chisaki.

Nara: Sakae-kun! Where are you going?!

Nara: Sakae-kun...!

Page 24

Nara: He said that,

And ran off with his back to us...

Two hours later, he came back, covered in snow...

"I tried going to where I heard the voice, but there was no one there," he said, looking awkward...

Page 25

[A hot spring...

And an avalanche...]

[The voice of a girl calling for help

that no one besides Sakae could hear.]

(Could it be? The owner of the voice was...)

(Tougen-san...?)

Page 26

Ashiya: Mom!

Ashiya: Was the place you went back then----

Nara: .........

Ashiya: Good night...

Page 27

(Ashiya: Now I'm wide awake...)

[When I met Tougen, I couldn't even hear her voice while standing right next to her.]

[But Sakae was able to hear that voice from somewhere totally different.]

Page 28

(Did he have really good ears?)

[If I could make myself listen harder,] [Would I be able to]

[hear the whispering voices of demons somewhere far away?...]

Page 29

Ashiya: The sound of the ocean...?

Page 30

Ashiya: The ocean!

Ashiya: The inn's so close to the coast...! (I got here via the Mononokean, so I didn't realize!)

Page 31

[This sound...]

[The first day we went searching for Aoi,

I thought I heard it in the forest.]

[But, Abeno-san didn't hear anything,

so I ended up thinking that I just misheard it.]

(But if I didn't hear it wrong---)

Page 32

Abeno: Spring cleaning, complete.

Mononokean: (So bright...) It's sparkling like a brand new room.

Page 33

Mononokean: Itsuki? Incidentally...

Mononokean: Fuzzy isn't here... did you end up putting him up somewhere? (The storeroom?)

Abeno: Hairball snuck into Ashiya's bag and ran away, right?

Mononokean: He's a runaway?!

Abeno: You didn't notice either?

Mononokean: Hanae must be in for a shock around now!

Why didn't you tell him?

Abeno: It's his fault for being so bad at sensing demons' auras.

Abeno: Besides, we've been searching for Aoi since the beginning of winter break,

So Ashiya and I haven't had time to spend with Hairball. (He's started to get all restless after having to house-sit without any time to play...)

Page 34

Abeno: Under normal circumstances, I'd catch him red-handed, but...

Abeno: Since it's the New Year, I decided to overlook his boldness. (That's all.)

Mononokean: Well, I don't have to worry if he's with Hanae.

Mononokean: You shouldn't be doing tiresome work like spring cleaning during New Year's, either!

It would have been better if you took a break...

Mononokean: Or is it that,

If you didn't clean to take your mind off things,

Mononokean: You'd end up wanting to secretly look for Aoi on your own, maybe?

Abeno: Ah? Don't accuse me of weird things.

Mononokean: Oh, I hit the mark, huh?

Abeno: .....

Page 35

Abeno: I didn't plan to do anything alone... not this late...

Abeno: But...

Abeno: I'm well aware that I'm agitated.

Abeno: There's only half of winter break remaining, so I'm getting impatient...

Page 36

Abeno: We've come this far without finding a single clue.

Mononokean: Not even one?

Abeno: Yeah...

Mononokean: Nothing small either?

Abeno: The only thing was...

[Ashiya: I heard the sound of waves from that direction just now.]

Page 37

Abeno: ...!

Abeno: ......

Mononokean: ?

Abeno: ......

Abeno: ...Hey.

Page 38

Abeno: The Underworld...

Doesn't have an ocean... right?

[samthemarvelfan]

Graveyard: Prologue

Summary: Waking up on a trash heap is never ideal. Getting imprisoned on a planet you’ve never heard of? That’s way worse. Ella was one of Asgard fiercest and most cunning protectors, but when Loki’s rebellion threatens her people’s safety, she’s made it her mission to do one thing and one thing only; kill him. By any means necessary. 

Pairing: Loki Odinson x OFC

Warnings: Imprisonment, fight scenes, general calamity, canon typical brouhaha. 

A/N: So idk where this is gonna go just yet, but here’s a lil tasty morsel. This is my first non-Bucky fic! and it features my first Marvel love--Loki <3 Tags are open :)

The acrid smell of rust and filth surrounded you as you woke.

Sitting up, you realize that, once again, you’d awoken in your cell. Wishful thinking kept alive the hope that this was all a dream.

“Raaagg!” The guard with the tentacles shouted as he chucked the tray of mush under your door.

You grimaced at the sight of the chunky grayish-blue mush. “Thanks a lot.” You mumble as he walks away.

“...asshole.”

The substance jiggled when you poked it. Begrudgingly, you spooned some into your mouth. How could something this color taste like rotten carrots?

“Morning, Ella.” Korg said through your bars.

You smiled halfheartedly at him. “Hi Korg. Where’s Miek?”

“Ah, he’s part of the welcome wagon today.” He said cheerfully. “I guess a special guest arrived last night.”

You nod, eating your mush. “Really? Who is it this time?” You didn’t care, it was just nice to have a conversation with someone who could actually speak your language.

“Not sure, you know. But rumor has it he’s a King.” He said.

Rolling your eyes, you looked to him, “Aren’t they all.” The words dripped with sarcasm.

“No. Not everyone.” He said plainly. Korg was a...simple guy, sarcasm often escaped him.

“I know, Korg...I—forget it. I’ll see you tomorrow?” You ask.

“Actually, rumor has it a few prisoners are being released to the work shed to make room for new ones. I put a good word in for you!” He said happily.

Your head perked up. “Really? Thank you, Korg!”

“No sweat. Well, I have to go draw and quarter some Skartelians. Bye-bye, then!”

When Korg had left your cell front, it was once again just you, your slop, and the first glimmer of hope you had. A chance to finally be out of this fresh hell.

You’d forgotten how long you’d been in this place; a week? Maybe two? A month?

The days were long and they all blurred together. Your only solace was plotting your revenge against that repulsive megalomaniac who put you here in the first place.

The day before your capture:

“We must get to Heimdall.” Sif whispered to you. “The people need to leave this place before he enslaves them all.”

Your bloodshot eyes scanned the area. The sound of the riots outside grew louder, and guards patrolled every exit.

Almost every one.

“Sif, look.” You said, nodding to the archway just off the main corridor.

Your stealth is something you were known for. Being as clever and cunning and careful as any warrior before you. Not only that, but Sif had been the one that trained you for battle. You were just as fierce and skilled as she was.

The cold stone of the pillar pressed against your back, “I’m going. One of us needs to tell Heimdall to open the bifrost.”

Loki had cloaked the palace in a spell, blinding those in and around it from Heimdall’s sight.

She nodded, “I’ll give you as much cover as I can.”

You crouched and rolled a ways to get to the next pillar. Your steps and movements were so light, not even you heard them.

The palace guards had just done a rotation to the next corridor, and that’s when you made your breakaway.

You slipped through the archway with ease and began running down the stairs. The cobbled flights of steps were your last hurdle, then it was just a long, but mad dash down the bridge to get to Heimdall.

“Going somewhere?”

You froze. Your foot had just touched the last step, but it was too late. You’d been caught...he had caught you.

“Hm, it looks like you are. Perhaps running to that golden eyed oaf to tell him what I’ve done?”

Loki.

You swallowed thickly.

“What’s the matter, darling? Cat got your tongue?” He smirked.

“Another cheap trick? Had to conjure up a spell because you couldn’t find me yourself?” You spat back at him.

Loki began circling you. When he was right behind you, he spoke next to your ear. “Why don’t you make a run for it and see?”

It was a test. But you knew Loki would never be out here, so close to the riots. The ‘scourge of the kingdom’ rebelling against his reign and rule over Asgard.

“Alright.” You turn quickly on your heel and sprint.

You made it 20 feet when a log appeared out of no where right under your feet. You hurdled forward, stumbling and rolling on the ground.

The slam of the dirt knocked the wind clean out of you.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk...” Loki tutted. “Next time toss a pebble. That’d be a much wiser test.”

You stood as quickly as you could, and charged him. “I’d rather toss a dagger.” Your blades dropped from your sleeves into your grasp.

Slashing at him, the blade narrowly missed his throat. He stepped back smoothly, circling himself around you, before casting his duplication spell.

Suddenly you were surrounded by dozens of him. Each of them taunting you.

“Come and get me.”

Slash

“I’m over here!”

Slash

“Did you miss me?”

All attempts futile. The God of Mischief certainly was worthy of the name.

“You coward! Fight me!” You shout.

In a snap, the copies disappeared. Loki stood behind you, and cleared his throat. “Would you really kill your King, Ellaria?” He asked, using your full name.

“I’m not loyal to a throne, nor am I loyal to a murderer.” You seethe breathlessly.

Loki’s jaw clenched as he took a step away from you.

“Guards?” He said simply.

Suddenly, a dozen Asgardian soldiers surrounded you. “Please escort this little minx to the dungeons.”

You were trapped. The golden men circled you as Loki watched, enjoying the torment.

“Ella! Now!” You heard Sif shout. She had her crossbow at the ready, and fired on the guards. At her fastest, she could fire 30 arrows a minute, plenty to take out a dozen guards.

In an instant, their shields went up, and Loki crouched behind them. “Stop her!” He shouted, staring at Sif.

“Loki...” you called.

He turned quickly, and you slashed you dagger across his face, leaving a small gash on his cheek bone.

His fingertips went to feel for blood, and sure enough, it began to drip.

Loki laughed, his teeth chewing on his lip.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” You smirked.

You planted your boot on the shield of the guard next to you. They were all crouched so it was easier than expected. Backflipping out of the circle of them, you ran as fast as you could down the bridge, praying Loki’s spell didn’t cast that far.

“Heimdall! Heimdall!” You scream.

A quick glance over your shoulder confirms your wonder if you were being chased yet.

“Heimdall! Open the bifrost!” You’re screeching now.

Suddenly, the bridge shakes. He’d heard you!

“Ellaria, stop!” Loki shouts from behind you. You glance to see he’s on a horse, riding fast.

Your lungs expand once more, but before sound escapes you, you see a tidal way approaching you. Angry water pulled from the sea beneath you barreling down from behind you.

“Heimdall! Open the bifrost! Please!” You’re desperate. The maniac chasing you had indeed cast a spell; one to end your life. 

You watched as the bifrost began to spin, he’d heard you at last!

Suddenly the wave over took you, launching you down the length of the bridge towards Heimdall.

You were rolling and churning in the waters Loki had cast, running out of air fast.

You’d gotten sent so far by the massive wave, somehow you been forced past Heimdall and into the still-turning stream of light that was the bifrost.

The surge of energy sent your body into a whirlwind. You were soaring through the universe in an iridescent ray of light made of enough energy to light up a continent.

After what seemed like mere seconds, you felt yourself enter and atmosphere. Shortly after that, you’d landed on a pile of...trash?

The tingles rushing through your body drained you. You’d never been in the bifrost alone before, and it was clear your body couldn’t handle the amount of power surging around it.

Clicks and pops made you open your eyes. Shielding them from the sun with your hand, you found yourself surrounded by humanoid creatures of every size and color. 

They were speaking. Communicating to one another.

“Help me. Please help me.” You begged, hoping feigning weakness would stop any unwanted hostility.

The orange creature reached his hand out--a hand with eight fingers, and you took it. He hoisted you up to your feet, and gave you a half smile. 

“Thank you.”

He nodded, “Mezbanjala fo tutu.” He clicked his tongue quickly.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t understand you.” You said, shaking your head.

The group of creatures eyes suddenly widened, and the lot of them began shouting and running away.

“Hey! Wha--”

You felt a sharp pain in your neck, and then everything went black.

[ocsandallthatjazz]

RIZZY FOR A L L 👁 👄 👁

Lol putting it under the cut for length. Take your kids and go <3

1. Who is the most affectionate?

Rory brings out Izzy’s sappy side, but he’s the king.

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

Izzy is such a little spoon, secretly wants to be doted on in her home.

3. Most common argument?

Insert any instance of Izzy going "why would you do that" at Rory and Sam.

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

Izzy loves holding his hand. Loves it. Thinks it’s so cute when Rory starts swinging their arms around.

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

Rory, and I'm getting the specific image of him doing it spontaneously and like trying to just carry her away over the shoulder.

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Look at Rory's cheeks when he smiles, he's so cute he looks like a puppy. And he loves the way her eyebrows quirk while she talks.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Izzy gets surprisingly giddy and flirty but in yknow the shy teen with a crush way. Wouldn't take long for her friends to figure things out.

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

I get to mention “Izzy Bizzy” again, yay. This is Rory’s equivalent to going “woah, take it easy” when she starts to go super high maintenance on their group and it’s accidentally super smart and effective of him. The rhyming is cute so she gets trapped in endearment and bizzy is a slang word for cop, which she can certainly sound like a ridiculous authority figure when she’s too in her head.

9. Who worries the most?

Izzy, my anxiety ridden legend.

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Izzy does that the most!

11. Who tops?

“Bestie, you didn’t finish the question. I know you wanted to ask ‘Who tops the Broadway singing charts?’ And the answer is Vi Avery. Goodbye!” - Izzy

12. Who initiates kisses?

Izzy!!

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Rory. Gotta do that cute hand swing.

14. Who kisses the hardest?

You know Rory is the kind of person who like accidentally leaned in way too fast and bonked noses.

15. Who wakes up first?

Izzy. If the alarm goes off, she's up.

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

You heard it here first, Rory is slow in the morning.

17. Who says I love you first?

Rory! Realizes he loved her around Valentines Day.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

Rory is the type to forget to pack a lunch entirely, but he'd put little words of affirmation in her lunches.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Izzy had to, her family kept giving her Looks when Rory was coming over after school so often.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Izzy's family don't think there's anything wrong with her having her first young relationship, but they were shocked that Rory was her type and I'm certain they didn't expect him to be The One. Rory's thinks Izzy is amazing and a great influence on him, but him permanently moving back to the US right after coming home was A Topic of discussion.

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Rory! Head empty, Rory's off-beat dancing in the mash-up.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Izzy can do some of her mom's recipes pretty well. She doesn't know much outside of what was made most often at home, but hey they're good.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Rory!!!

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Rory you’re dumb I love you but please be quiet or take your whispers to Sam.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Again, Anxiety Izzy, my beloved...

26. What would be their theme song?

I think I currently have it listed as "Invisible String" by Taylor Swift.

27. Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

Rory and he'd be damn charming looking.

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

Izzy took their long distance as a time to focus on exploring herself and building the bonds with her friends - so she would just study half the time and the other half let herself get sucked into the NY antics without as much complaining.

29. one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

Me: I constantly stress the fact that it’s important and healthy for couples to have close bonds with other people.

Also me: The idea of a subplot in early NY days where Izzy and Rory both keep calling each other just to get put off by the other being busy having fun with other people (which they’re partially doing to stay busy and avoid their big life changes) makes me break down inside.

30. one headcanon about this OTP that mends it

Someday I will write a drabble for Izzy coming out as ace to Rory because his instant support is so good 🥺

otp question meme

[inkribbon796]

Egotober Day 19: Found and Lost

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31

Prompt: cap hat

Summary: It’s cleaning day in the base’s storage room, some things are found within the many boxes, others are lost.

A/N: While I was planning out Egotober 2020, Seán found his old hat, so I had to capitalize on the day where the plot was “cap hat”. In equally important news it’s the anniversary to the first Sanders’s Side episode. So enjoy.

Warnings: none

It was a rare day in the heroes’ base. It was storage cleaning day. Or it was more accurate to say that Henrik got upset at the state the storage room was always in and pitched enough of a fit that Seán muttered a “Fine!” and organized a group to go clean it.

The storage room was also known as the “garbage room” by several heroes. Since everything that couldn’t go in the normal rooms went in the storage room. The problem was that seasonal decorations also went in the storage room. And so did all the heroes’ medical and personal records.

So occasionally stuff was just left to pile up and build for years and years. Some boxes, i.e. anything that Henrik or Logan had to touch was clean and organized. Everyone else’s belongings were in a sliding scale of neat and tidy, or haphazardly thrown into a box.

Mark was ordered to move all the decorations and stuff that would wind up going back into the storage room. Iplier kept all the records in his room, but it resulted in a row of boxes going down the hallway and Henrik looking like he was going to have an aneurysm. He was only coaxed into calming down with the promise that I’d be gone by the end of the week. Everyone would come in and organize their stuff, and the storage boxes would go back in.

Nate, Logan, and Henrik had already done their boxes earlier that morning. Now Seán and Amy were in the storage room.

“That’s the last of it,” Mark walked in, dusting off his hands as he started walking off. “I’m gonna get myself something to drink, cause I don’t keep stuff.”

“Can you get me something?” Amy looked up at him.

Mark stopped and leaned back into the room, “Iced coffee?”

“Thanks,” she smiled back, Mark smiled at her before leaving.

Seán was mostly digging through boxes, sorting through boxes almost meticulously, trash going into a bag, papers going into files, and other stuff going into boxes.

Then he let out an audible gasp, “Ooh! Oooohhhh! I knew it was in here!”

“What? What is it?” Amy asked in interest.

He stuck his hand all the way to the bottom and pulled out a grey flat cap hat. A huge smile on his face and he slid it on his head. “Ahh, nice. I knew it had ta be in here.”

“Did you find it?” Amy smiled. “I thought you lost that thing out in town?”

“Nah, I put it in some box an’ then the box got moved out here,” Seán smiled, taking out his phone and looking at himself with the camera. “Ahh, I look like such a little kid.”

“Did someone find embarrassing pictures?” Mark smiled as he flew back in, an energy drink in one hand and a bottle of iced coffee in the other.

“Didn’t you lose that one when Anti tried to electrocute you?” Mark grinned as he handed Amy her coffee.

“My lucky hat can survive the frigid vacuum ‘a Dark’s soul,” Seán boasted. “I knew if I actually cleaned stuff out I’d find it. It was either here or in my garage.”

“You gonna wear it with your costume again?” Amy asked.

“I dunno, been a couple years,” Seán shrugged, taking the hat off and looking at it fondly. “Don’t worry, won’t lose yah this time.”

At that moment, arguing started to come down from the hallway. It was a couple seconds later that the Sides walked in. Logan with some folded boxes, duct tape, and several trash bags.

Virgil was right behind him with Roman. “Ughh,” the anxious Side began to complain. “We’ll be here all day.”

Patton had a huge smile on his face as he walked in with an old WWI-era camera. “We should be done soon.”

Logan had insisted on bringing the camera with them after Janus had threatened to break it several times. He didn’t like the camera, complaining about the humming being insufferable. A sound none of the other Sides could actually hear themselves.

“Most of this stuff is yours, Patt,” Virgil reminded. “I haven’t been here long enough to make a mess.”

Patton set down the camera, “And it’s all important memories, so it won’t take long for us to be done.”

Mark and Jack looked at the camera, something about it just not sitting right, like it was a black hole of attention, demanding that someone look at it, pay attention to it . . . pick it up . . .

“Falsehood,” Logan corrected firmly. “You hoard garbage of sentimental value, you need to let them go.”

“But— I—” Patton fumbled.

“Garbage?” Roman dug through one of the Sides’ many, many boxes to tug out some plastic flowers. “They’re not garbage.”

“Do not enable him,” Logan warned angrily. “This has been going on for too long.”

The camera just sat in the middle of the Sides, making the other three people in the room a bit uncomfortable. Before Mark could speak up, all their communicators were off. Some big catastrophe was going on in downtown Brighton. It was Wilford in one of his manic episodes.

“Oh look at that,” Patton said, “we have to go save the day.”

“When we all get back we are finishing what we started,” Logan told him as his suit began to snap around him and his visor came down. “Head out, I’ll take the communication chair.”

All four of the Sides raced out and the instant they were out of the room, the camera had less of a malignant buzz to it. It was almost like it was just a normal camera, but there was something wrong about it.

Jack, Mark, and Amy chose to leave the suit up. Figuring that it could be dealt with when they all got back. The base was safe, no one would steal stuff from the storage room.

Nate missed the summons, he was set to go on tour and was already late. But while he’d been cleaning out his stuff, he’d forgotten a little book of phone numbers he wanted to get from his stuff. They were all old numbers he’d been meaning to get around to being in contact with, but dreading doing so all the same.

But he needed to do it now, or they’d track him down. They’d find out about Mare, and Nate didn’t want to admit that he’d gotten attached to the demon. That they had a fragile partnership.

Those thoughts went out of his head when he walked into the room and he felt like something had hit him in the face. His ears popped with the pressure in the room and reaching up to check on his nose, he noticed that when he pulled his hand away there was blood on his fingers.

“Arrghhhh, what the hell,” Nate grumbled, his ears ringing.

Hmmmmm . . .

Nate looked around the room, trying to see if something had snuck into the base. He saw an old camera just sitting there in the middle of the Sides’ mess of stuff. He didn’t feel like something was staring at him, but he did feel like something was in the room with him, sleeping but it could wake at any moment.

The humming was almost sing-song-esq in quality. Like a song Nate had heard but couldn’t place it right now.

He saw that camera and his blood chilled, he could feel what it was, what it had been used to do. And he lunged for it, high stepping over things, snatching it off the table and racing to his box to dig through it until he found the old spiral bound pocket notebook, and raced out of the room and out of the base as if someone had lit him on fire. The camera in his hands as he got into his car and raced for the tour meetup spot to properly figure out where this thing had been.

He had to get this thing out of the base, he’ll if he could get this thing out of the city that would be enough.

Logan would walk back into the storage room later that night, crisis over and his heart plummeted when he saw the camera gone. He felt like something had been ripped away from him. Checking the camera he watched Nate walk in, get a bloody nose, and then run off with the camera in a clear panic.

Trying to call Nate resulted in only reaching his voicemail, but Logan tried not to panic, leaving him. Message to call them about the box he’s taken.

The next day, Logan woke up to a message on his phone that read: “It’s cursed, keeping it in containment. We’ll talk when I get back.”

Logan frowned, worried and remorseful, but he had to trust Nate would not do anything drastic, that it was safe with Nate. He texted back and asked for Nate to keep the object intact, and the singer promised he would.

With that, Logan regrettably admitted to himself that there was nothing he could do, and get his phone aside to get an early start to his day.