#I’m not streaming while I have covid.

[solstrix]

UPDATE: SHE HAS COVID!!!!

No stream today!

I’ve got a lot on my plate this weekend and I need to get a head start.

We’ll be back Wednesday!!

[smoothies-are-cool]

everybody talks

boyfriend! matt sturniolo x girlfriend! reader

summary: everybody talks is matt and readers “song”. they sing it all the time together but when matt and his brothers get covid they have to quarantine so matt can’t see his girlfriend.

warnings: swearing, kissing, pet names (baby, sweetheart, handsome, beautiful), being sick??.

a/n: @worldlxvlys told me to write this one next so here it is!! this might be a stupid idea but i thought it was kinda cute

me and my boyfriend matt have been dating for a year and 5 months. on our one year anniversary we decided to hard launch our relationship. the fans were a little rocky at first but after seeing our relationship over the last 5 months, they’ve grown to really love us together.

one day when nick was live, the fans could see me and matt screaming and dancing the lyrics of ‘everybody talks’ by neon trees. that was when we told them that was our favorite song to listen to when we’re together.

me and matt hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks due to the fact him and his 2 brothers had gotten covid. he texted me everyday, telling me how much he misses me. i obviously missed him too. going from seeing him everyday to not seeing him for 2 weeks was definitely weird.

when the friday video came out i watched it, laughing as nick turned his ipad screen around to show my boyfriend. nick and chris had both tested negative, but matt was still testing positive so he was stuck in his room for a while longer. since matt was the only one who could drive, they filmed this video in the car.

15 minutes into watching the video, matt decides to burst out into song.

“and that is when i kissed herrrr.” he sings, bopping his head. i laugh, going to look at the comments.

user: awww matt singing him and y/n’s song 🥹

user: AW IS MATT MISSING Y/N??

user: matt bursting out into song im cackling 😭

user: HELP THE FACT THAT MATT IS ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT Y/N I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE

i smile as i scroll through the comments. suddenly a wave of sadness washes over me and i miss my boyfriend more than ever. 2 weeks has been long enough. i shrug, grabbing my keys and slipping on my uggs. rushing to my car, i immediately back out of my apartment building parking lot.

10 minutes later i pull into his driveway. slamming my car door shut, i walk up the front door and knock. chris opens the door.

“hey y/n?” he says, a questioning tone in his voice. “matt’s still sick.” he tells me.

“i know. i just didn’t wanna wait any longer to see him.” i explain, waiting for him to let me in. he moves to the side and opens the door wider.

“he’s streaming right now. just so you know.” i thank chris and walk past him.

i walk right up to matt’s room, knocking on his door.

“go away.” he yells and i laugh slightly. he must’ve changed his mind because he yells a, “come in.”

i walk into his room and he’s sitting at his gaming desk, his eyes towards the door.

“hi baby.” i softly say, walking over to matt and straddling his lap. i put my legs through the holes of the chair, making it more comfortable for us. my arms go around his neck, pulling him closer to me.

“what are you doing here sweetheart, i don’t wanna get you sick.” matt tells me, hesitantly wrapping an arm around me.

“i don’t care, i just wanted to see you.” i put my head in his neck. he wraps his other arm around me, holding me tightly.

“alright guys, i got my girl with me so i’m gonna head off. thank you all for tuning in.” he tells the stream, ending it and turning off his pc.

“how are you feeling baby?” i ask him, getting off his lap and standing up.

“a little better. i probably look like shit.” he laughs slightly. i shake my head, walking closer to him so i can wrap my arms around his neck.

“that’s impossible. you always look handsome. my handsome boyfriend.” i beam and his face goes red. i slowly move my face closer to his. just as my lips were about to touch his, he pulls away.

“i don’t wanna get you sick beautiful.” he whispers, his face so close to mine i can feel his breath.

“i don’t care.” i tell him. he quickly presses my lips to his, his hands planting themselves on my hips.

“i’m glad you’re here, i missed you so much.” he smiles, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“i missed you more.” i laugh.

“you know, people are gonna be talking about the fact that i called you sweetheart on the stream.” he points out, and i can’t help but laugh more.

“it’s okay, let them talk. everybody talks.” i tell him, smiling ear to ear.

a/n: okay hi. i didn’t know how to end this so we got that

[mariacallous]

Twenty years ago, MySpace and Facebook ushered in an inspired age of social media. Today, the sticky parables of online life are inescapable: Connection is a convenience as much as it is a curse. A lot’s changed since those early years. In June, the US surgeon general, Vivek H. Murthy, called for a warning label on social platforms that have played a part in the mental health crisis among young people, of which “social media has emerged as an important contributor.” Social Studies, the new FX docuseries from documentarian Lauren Greenfield, bring the unsettling effects of that crisis into startling view.

The thesis was simple. Greenfield set out to catalog the first generation for which social media was an omnipresent, preordained reality. From August 2021 to the summer of 2022, she embedded with a group of teens at several Los Angeles–area high schools for the entire school year (the majority of the students attend Palisades Charter), as they obsessed over crushes, applied to college, attended prom, and pursued their passions.

“It was an unusual documentary for me,” Greenfield, a veteran filmmaker of cultural surveys like The Queen of Versailles and Generation Wealth, says of how the series came together. “The kids were co-investigators on this journey.” Along with the 1,200 hours of principal photography Greenfield and her team captured, students were also asked to save screen recordings of their daily phone usage, which amounted to another 2,000 hours of footage. Stitched together, the documentary illuminates the tangled and unrelenting experiences of teens as they deal with body dysmorphia, bullying, social acceptance, and suicidal ideation. “That’s the part that is the most groundbreaking of this project, because we haven’t really seen that before.”

The depth of the five-episode series benefits from Greenfield’s encyclopedic approach. The result is perhaps the most accurate and comprehensive portrait of Gen Z’s relationship to social media. With the release of the final episode this week (you can stream it on Hulu), I spoke with Greenfield over Zoom about the sometimes cruel, seemingly infinite experience of being a teenager online today.

JASON PARHAM: In one episode, a student says, “I think you can’t log in to TikTok and be safe.” Having spent the previous three years fully immersed in this world, I’m curious if you think social media is bad?

LAUREN GREENFIELD: I don't think it's a binary question. I really went into this as a social experiment. This is the first generation that has never grown up without it. So even though social media has been around for a while, they are the first generation of digital natives. I thought it was the right time to look at how it was impacting childhood. It’s the biggest cultural influence of this generation’s growing up, bigger than parents, peers, or school, especially coming out of Covid, which was when we started filming. You know, I didn't go into filming with a point of view or an activist agenda, but I certainly was moved by what the teenagers said to me and what they showed in their lives, which is that it's a pretty dire situation.

Without a doubt.

Jonathan, in episode five, says it's a lifeline, but it's also a loaded gun. So I don't think it's about whether there are good things in it and bad things. We see both in the show, but we also would not let our kids be around a loaded gun. So I do think that we need to change the engineering of it so that we can keep the good and not have the bad.

I entered high school in 2000, before the social media boom, and I always joke with friends how I probably would not have survived if we had it the way kids do now.

The genie is out of the bottle. But there is regulation now to get rid of it in schools, which I think is great. We also see the problem of distraction in the show. And we see the need of this generation for person-to-person connection, which they don't have enough of. We've also seen how for people like Nina, LGBTQ+, even some of the social justice reactions that happen in the series, it has a use. It also is a means of creativity and entrepreneurship. And we see that with our characters too.

But there are also just things that make life extremely toxic for teenagers—the 24/7 comparison culture, the algorithm bringing them down harmful paths of learning. What some of the new information coming out of TikTok’s internal research shows us is that these apps are engineered and they can be engineered differently.

Have you seen the Jim Henson movie? It’s called Idea Man.

No, I haven’t.

One thing that really moved me that I thought was relevant to social media and thinking about the good and bad of it, is that Joan Ganz Cooney—the TV producer who started Sesame Street—had this idea of bringing in people who know what kids love, which was Jim Henson and the creatures, with people who know what kids need to learn and what they need. It’s that second piece that has never been relevant to tech designers and engineers who have only been designing for maximum engagement, even if it's at the expense of the health and well-being of young people. We have a mental health crisis on our hands because of it. Technology is important and important for so many reasons, but I think we have an untenable situation with the current engineering of social media.

So you’re saying we need even more guardrails?

Now having filmed the show—and I hope people get it—we have to have empathy for these teenagers. Like, it's not fair to ask them to self-regulate when the apps have been designed to be addictive.

How did you land on Los Angeles as the petri dish for this social experiment?

I've been looking at youth culture for 30 years. My first book, Fast Forward: Growing Up in the Shadow of Hollywood explored how kids were influenced by the values of fame, image, and materialism. Those themes are also really relevant in the social media age. Fame is something that is not for celebrities anymore, it's for every kid looking for likes. And likes have become a rite of passage, in terms of popularity. Image making, FaceTune, Photoshop, styling, curating your brand—all of these things that used to be the realm of celebrities are now the realm of everyday children. And a lot of times in my work, I'm trying to document the air we breathe, the popular culture that's all around us. Sometimes it's hard to see. So for me, with LA, I wanted to look at where that was the most pure and strong, rather than where it was average.

The point of view shifts between students and parents. Ivy’s mom in particular has very sharp views about trans people, vaccines, and politics. Why also include their voices in a series so acutely focused on teen life?

When I started, I didn't know I was going to include the adults, but they ended up being so important. There are a lot of loving, caring parents in the show who have no idea what's going on in the social media lives of their kids. I didn't know a lot as a parent either. I think that the show is very entertaining for teenagers, twentysomethings, and thirtysomethings. For parents, it's more of an education and I hear more of them being shocked by it. It was important to see the disconnect between this generation and their parents, how much things have changed, and how much parents don't realize what's going on.

Many of the kids started taking action into their own hands.

One of the most important things I came out of this with is, parents, teachers, and administrators are not addressing the problems. They might not even understand the problems. So we get this world of young people helping each other. We have Jonathan, Cooper, and Dominic all working at a crisis hotline doing peer counseling for kids in distress. We have Anthony who becomes a vigilante because he's so frustrated that nobody's doing anything about the racist incidents and sexual assault that he’s seeing. And we have kids also making media, like Cooper having a podcast about body image. That stuff is sprouting up because they're very alone in this.

Why do you think there is such a disconnect?

They’re just from a different generation. My youngest, who is 20, I remember I would ask to see stuff. And this was in the earlier stages of social media. You know, I kind of demanded that he would show me. But he refused. He had a different view of everything. He felt it was his private space. We need to move off that and open up a dialog. This show, it's really meant more to open dialog rather than have solutions, even though the kids give us some solutions. But the parents are an important part of the equation.

Like Ivy’s family?

Ivy's family story was a really important social media story. It's kind of the story of the division that we're seeing in our culture now—how algorithms and silos take us into these different ways of thinking and split us apart, how they make the other the enemy. We’re seeing how terrible the disinformation problem is, how tragically it could affect all of us in this election. Their story came about very unexpectedly. But I thought it was fascinating, and getting to know all the members of that family, you can see how both parents love their kids, how both kids love their parents. I didn't want to vilify anybody. But we also see how tragic it is when ideas and algorithmic silos divide family members.

Watching the series made me wonder if these kids are doomed, in a sense, because they are so beholden to platforms like TikTok and Snap. It’s all they know. Is this a tragic story?

No, I don't think so. The hope we see in episode five and their resilience is a testament to the resilience of this generation and the way they can help us carve a path forward. If anything, the adults have been a little bit irresponsible and kind of unknowing. The tech companies have been downright irresponsible. Safeguards like we have in all other media have been missing. Not to point fingers, this is a medium that has come up very quickly—

Please point fingers.

Look, it's relatively new what we're learning. In episode five, Sydney says, “Once we knew the harm of cigarettes with lung cancer, there was change made, there was regulation. And now we know there's a connection between social media, mental health, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation.” So once this knowledge is here, we have to act. To me it's very hopeful, and I know at the end the kids are like, “What do we do? We can't live without it.” But understanding that ​​there are actually a lot of things that can be done, between regulation, between asking tech companies to change the algorithm, and also legally if they were responsible for their publishing, like every other publisher, we might be in a different space.

[morganbritton132]

Okay now I’m imagining someone recording the life stream where Steve explains word problems and the video just becomes this thing that everyone uses when they don’t understand what’s going on in math class

The real question would be though if Steve and/or Eddie are aware of students using Steve’s explanation to learn?

I love the thought of Steve going viral, not as Eddie’s husband but rather because he’s a great teacher. It’s not even one of Steve’s students that uploads the video to YouTube. It’s a kid that goes to a different school and just happened to be covering the same lesson in their math class when they saw Eddie’s live stream.

All the comments on the videos are from kids saying how they finally understand their homework or how they would’ve done better on their test if their teacher had explained it like that. There are some teachers in the comments that say they’re going to incorporate Steve’s teaching style into theirs, and even some parents who are just grateful that they can now help their kids.

There are some kids on there that make comments about how they wished that this teacher would cover concepts that they were struggling with, and so Steve’s students started sending them links to his unlisted YouTube Videos.

Steve is a great teacher because he is accommodating to himself and to his students. He knows that because of his head injury that he’ll have good days and he’ll have bad days. He knows that sometimes he doesn’t have a choice if he misses class or not, and he knows that it’s the same for students.

So, he compensates.

It actually started a couple years ago when a student was an accident and unable to come to school for a period of time. The student really wanted to continue with their studies while they recovered, so a lot of teachers got together to film their lessons for them.

Steve was the only one to continue to film his lessons.

It really came in handy to have a pre-recorded lesson for when he had a substitute, and then eventually it snowballed into him recording extra help, study material, and test reviews. And then during COVID lockdown, he had nothing to do other than to re-record all his plans to make them more engaging and to better explain area where students struggled the most.

Dustin helped him set up a private YouTube channel and uploaded all of Steve’s videos for him as unlisted videos so the only people that could see the videos were whoever he gave the link to.

His students had no problem passing on the link to anybody that was struggling in math.

Eddie is kind of aware that students are using Steve’s lesson to study, but that’s pretty normal so he doesn’t think anything of it.

Steve, on the other hand, finds out about it when the local news channel calls because they want to do a story on him. He doesn’t know if he should be mortified or honored.

[the-phantom-author]

Hasan Piker | long-term gf

Yes, these were made at 1am while I was eating rice krispie treats. Reblogs always welcomed, request are open.

You meet Hasan toward the end of him working at The Young Turks in late 2019, when the two of you talked about his streaming and other social media, the both of you agreed that you wouldn’t physically be on them but he's more than allowed to talk about you.

You move in with him during lockdown. It wasn’t really lockdown yet when you first planned on moving, but he needed to move into a new apartment and neither of you really wanted to go through lockdown without the other. So, the two of you decided that it was a good time to move in together anyway.

It was during lockdown that you really got to know his mother, as she did live with the two of you. It was also during this time that chat got their first bits of information and glimpses of you. It was nothing huge or anything, there would be times that they see you leaving the apartment to go to work or get groceries. They could faintly hear you talking/cooing at Fish. They’d see throw blankets around the house, ask about them, and Hasan would respond with “My girlfriend gets cold easily” and move on.

Hasan is very careful with how he navigates your hidden relationship while online. One thing is for sure though, and that he’s so respectful of it. Like, he makes his “I’m fucking your mom” jokes as he does, but as soon as someone makes a joke that just a bit to suggestive he says “I have a girlfriend.” and move the conversation alone, not letting it go there again. The whole “Hasan Positivity Week” thing would be very “Flattered, but no.” He’s not letting any amount of disrespect go your way.

That said, if someone linked him one of your tiktoks, where you’re just like “I would totally drop my long term boyfriend for Hasan Piker, I mean look at him." Coupled with a bunch of photos of him that are from your personal camera roll. He is most definitely just sitting there, looking.

The way that he talks about you on stream though is very ����🥰. Like, someone in chat asked how yall met and he just said “She grinned, and everything about her was perfect, and I fell in love instantly". There are several times where he absentmindedly says “we” instead of “I”. Like “We’re going on a trip later this month” or “”We’re going out for dinner, so the stream is ending early.”

During this time you are soft launching, and by this time I mean the whole relationship. It’s vague pictures of him, pinterest like photos of coffee cups that have his hands and ring in them, pictures of furniture with his clothes in the background, you in tiktok wearing his hoodies or necklaces.

It is also after covid where chatter starts getting suspicious. They see the same woman in pictures from Austin, Ludwig, Will, and the lot , often in the background or barely there. Chat asks them all about her/you and they say nothing about it. Ethan mansions Hasan’s “special lady” far too much on leftovers to just be some kind of bit.

This is when chat starts to do some digging, they put the photos from and of you together with the photos of the mystery lady in the pictures from everyone. This prompts a discussion between you and hasan about what to do with introducing you to the internet.

It is decided that Hasan should start to soft launch you and this is what is fully intended to happen, however Hasan doesn’t know the definition of soft launching. He really just post a picture of the two of them together on iInstagram. The very next day the stream is just titled “Partner Reveal” and when the stream opens it’s just you, in his chair.

Chat soon realizes that the two of you are the duo they never knew they needed. Banter off the walls, and undeniable chemistry. There are a few portions of his stream that he automatically goes to get you and ask if you want to join the stream for it. Like if he ever starts to watch something that pertains to an interest of yours, true crimes, jubilee, those conspiracy videos he's watched a few times, or these 2000's reality TV shows,.

He'll even have specific subjects that he knows you know about in a non-political way, that he'll bring you in for. Just so he can have a normies opinion on it. A normie that he trust.

[belli5]

Skincare — King Kenny

Pairing: KingKenny x fem!reader

Warning: nun just that’s it’s reallyyyy short 😭

Summary: doing skincare with Kenny. Requested.

A/n: it’s been a month lol 🥲 schools been on my ass sm already and it’s only a month in.. also I made this while watching Aj’s live stream so I was pretty distracted 😛 also Kenny has covid ?! 😭

The bathroom was occupied by y/n, in the middle of doing her nightly skincare routine, my face was covered in serum, before doing my last step.

As I lastly was putting on a moisturiser, Kenny walked in.

“Hey.” Kenny said leaning against the doorframe “you look like you’re busy..”

I looked back at him through the bathroom mirror, laughing slightly “just doing my skincare.”

Kenny stepped closer and I washed my hands from all the mixed products that were left on my hands.

“What are all these products?” Kenny genuinely asked “what do they do?”

“Of course each product has a different purpose!” I leaned against the sink, looking at him “Each one does something different, and them all together keeps my skin clean.”

He picked up my moisturiser, the one that I put on lastly on my face. “What does this one do?”

“That’s moisturiser. It improves skin hydration, it can help with dry skin and also it helps from aging.” I explain.

“Helps from aging? How can a skin care product help you from aging?” Kenny asked confused.

“Not like that,” I roll my eyes “I meant like from looking old, like not having wrinkles..”

He raised an eyebrow, intrigued “sounds fancy.” He picked up another product, asking what’s that and what it does.

“That’s cleanser. You can read on the bottle what it does, but it cleanses, hydrates and helps restore the protective skin barrier.” I explain, and he looks at the bottle of the cleanser reading it.

“Hmm..” he read and looked up “maybe I just like when you explain it?!”

I looked at him with a mischievous smile. “How about I do your skincare? You seem pretty interested in this, so why not?”

“Really?” Kenny eyes lit up.

I invited Kenny to sit on the toilet seat, patting it. Kenny took a seat, and I stood in between his legs, feeling the comforting closeness.

I began putting on a cleanser on his face, as I always put on firstly cleanser, I used soft circular motions.

Kenny closed his eyes, feeling comfortable “this feels good, I could get used to this.”

I chuckled slightly, continuing massaging the cleanser into his skin. “I’m glad you’re enjoying this. You should’ve came more often so I could do this on you aswell.”

After he rinsed off the cleanser, I began to get some drops of toner on my hand and patting the toner on Kenny’s skin. Kenny’s eyes still were closed, he was for sure enjoying this.

After toner I gently put the ordinary serum, gently using circular motions. I could tell Kenny was relaxed and almost was falling asleep, his breathing grew slower so I decided to talk to him before he fell asleep on the toilet seat.

“You’re so relaxed.” I smiled at him, his eyes opened, looking at you.

“This is so nice, I almost fell asleep.” He laughed.

Kenny closed his eyes as i began applying the last product finally “we’re almost done, im already applying moisturiser.” I finished up with the moisturiser “I’m really glad you enjoyed this.”

I stepped back, looking at his relaxed face as he finally opened his eyes, got up to look in the mirror “how do you feel?”

“Good. I feel like I’m gonna age less now.” He joked, making me laugh.

“Great. If you apply it even more, it’ll work better.” I said, even though i knew all Kenny did was wash his face and it already even looked better than mine..

“Then we can make this a daily routine?” Kenny suggested, to which I nodded gladly.

[lilac-hecox]

idk what specifically but something with damangela and forehead kisses? 🥹 i've seen damien mention a few times that nothing gets him more fluttery than that and would love to see it with that pairing!! thank you so much 🥹

Damien/Angela - Forehead Kisses - Damangela

--

By the time Damien is deemed ‘non-contagious’ Angela is about to lose her mind with how much she misses him. Sure, they FaceTime and Angela gives him the rundown on the happenings at her latest StarKid show and what’s been going on at the Smosh office, while he tells her how bored he is, but it isn’t the same as seeing him in person. 

Damien and Angela are already both extremely busy people. Damien is only slowing down because he’s got covid and sort of has no choice but to stop. He still streams, which Angela watches, and affectionately texts him during because she can’t believe he’s streaming while sick but at the same time expects no less from him. 

The time they get to actually hang out is already limited by their demanding schedules so Damien having covid only makes everything feel worse. She is near feral with excitement when he texts her and tells her the doctors gave him an ‘all clear’ to have visitors. 

When she arrives she brings a card she had passed around at Smosh for everyone to sign along with a few recorded messages that make Damien smile and laugh, a soft and touched expression on his face as he reads over the card. 

“God, I’ve missed you,” he says to her, drawing her into a hug, his arms winding around her back. 

“I missed you too,” she says into the warmth of his shoulder. 

He pulls back and he looks a little tired as he’s not in perfect health yet. She reaches out and cups his cheek where his beard is darker and thicker than it’s been since she’s known him. 

“Scratchy,” she says. 

“I’m going to shave it down soon when I have the energy,” Damien says with a laugh. 

“I don’t hate it,” Angela is quick to say. 

“I know, but I don’t love it.” 

Damien sits on the couch, tugging a blanket across his lap. Angela wants to sit by him but a part of her is nervous to catch covid from him. She remembers all too well how Anthony passing covid on to Ian almost put the company in a tizzy. 

“Are you hungry?” Angela asks instead. 

Damien shakes his head. “No, my appetite is pretty shot.” 

“I did make you some pasta,” she says. 

“So sweet of you. Homemade pasta from my little cannoli.” he throws on a cheesy Italian accent. Angela breaks into giggles. 

“Stop, oh my God.” 

She tucks the tin-foiled covered pain into his fridge so he can hopefully eat later when he finally feels hungry. He leans his head back on the couch and he’s looking at her with a soft smile. 

Angela smiles back at him and then walks over towards him. Instead of going to the front of the couch, she goes to the back and leans over so her face is over his, her hair tickling his cheeks and nose. 

Damien lets out a laugh and then Angela leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead. 

Damien hums happily, his eyes sliding shut at her affection. 

In some ways, he reminds her of his cats, and she knows exactly what he likes at this point. 

“God, I missed you.” 

“You said that already,” she teases, her face going pink, “not that I’m tired of hearing it.” 

“I mean it,” Damien says, “I found myself missing all the little things. Like, the smell of your hair from your shampoo, and Spork sleeping on my lap when we’re watching a movie, the way you sing to yourself when you cook. Even your snoring.” 

“Wow, you must really have missed me if you miss my snoring.” 

“Can’t wait to be lulled to sleep by the chainsaw like sound of your snoring, Ange.” 

She playfully punches his arm and he laughs, pressing a kiss to her cheek and then her jaw, before seeking out her mouth. 

The angle is kind of weird because she’s leaning over the couch and she’s really risking it by kissing him but she can’t wait one more second to feel his mouth pressed to her own, warm, his facial hair scratching pleasantly at his skin. 

Angela gives in because what the hell. She’s already kissed him. She makes a show out of rolling over the back of the couch until she flops down next to Damien.

“So, you’ll be back to the office soon?” she asks, her head on his shoulder. 

“Next couple weeks or so,” Damien says. 

Angela stretches and settles herself more firmly against Damien. 

“Good, I can’t wait.”

[fanboo]

They’re Sick HC’s

HEY. DO NOT READ TECHNOS IF YOURE GOING TO CRY

Dream

• Very needy bby

• Wants all the cuddles

• “Where’s Patches? I wanna pet my cat…”

• You bring him blankets, food, water, medicine and Patches

• Constantly reassuring you that he’s okay

• “It’s just a cold” he says as you take him to the doctor because he won’t stop puking

• Will yank you down into the bed to cuddle you

• But it’s cute

Sapnap

• “I’m literally fine Y/N I’m not sick”

• Is very sick

• Only admits it once you force him to take his temperature and is running a fever of 102°

• Surprisingly willing to tell you what feels wrong once you make him admit he’s sick

• Will help you take care of himself while also letting you do most of it because you don’t want him to exhaust himself

• Asks you to come cuddle for a bit

• Will fall asleep on you and will drool

Georgenotfound

• So. Fucking. Needy.

• “Y/N come cuddle pleaseeee”

• “Darling pleaaasssseeeee????”

• You basically have to lock him in his room

• Day two you caved and let him out instead of making him eat in bed

• He gave you covid

• Sapnap and Dream end up taking care of both of you

• “You two are idiots” “Shut the hell up Dream.”

WilburSoot

• He is so anxious when he’s sick

• Literally called you the second he realized he was ill

• “Don’t come over this week I’m sick.”

• “Wilbur I’m coming over, you get into bed”

• Says okay on the condition that you wear a mask at all times

• Only asks for things he needs to minimize the work you have to do

• Asks you to hold him for a bit because he couldn’t get warm and couldn’t sleep and it honestly helped him

• He’s so worried and cute and you keep him distracted the entire time

Tommyinnit

• “Y/N. I am ill.”

• Goes to bed and literally sleeps the entire time

• Lets you cuddle and get him food and whatnot

• Dude legit managed to sleep for the entire week with the exception of meal and bathroom times

• What the fuck Thomas

Technoblade

• “Eh, I’m fine”

• Still streamed

• When he started to get worse and was bedridden he’d still insist that he was okay because seeing his little sibling in so much distress caused him more pain than the cancer ever did

• He’d let you come and lay in his bed with him and you’d talk for hours

• You’d go into his room in the middle of the night and he’d wake up when he heard you open the door

• Always always ALWAYS let you hang out with him because he knew what was coming

• Told countless stories

• Comforted you to the very end

• I’m not crying you are

Tubbo

• It’s so cute

• He’s like a little kid

• Walks around the house in sweats and a blanket

• Follows you around like that

• Rests on the couch because he felt cooped up in his room

• Walks up to you from behind and adds you to his blanket and just stands there with his face pressed into your back

• Very cute

• You cuddle him a lot

• He’s so bby

Ranboo

• Mf will NOT admit to being sick

• You have to force them to go to bed

• “I am perfectly fine Y/N”

• “So who’s puke am I mopping up then?”

• Little shit

• Will not let you take care of them

• Insists on doing it himself

• Annoyingly cute

Philza

• Father is sick

• Where is Mumza

• “Mum. Dads sick.”

• You and Mumza make him stay in bed and do everything for him

• It’s fucking hilarious

• He just had a small fever and was literally fine but let you do this because it’s fun

• “Hello chat. I have a small fever so Y/N and Tristan are taking care of me.”

• Very good at acting sick for you

• “Thank you Y/N, I feel better already”

Karl Jacobs

• Shows up at your house wearing a blanket and goes straight to bed

• Sleeps half the time and helps you the other half

• It’s hard for him to eat when he’s sick so you tell him eat what he can and snack on the rest later and it helps

• Cuddles

• Helps you clean after he gets better

• He’s very cute

Quackity

• “I don’t get sick I get bitches”

• Very independent and actually takes good care of himself

• Does make you cuddle tho

• It’s all over once he pukes

• “I take it back I get sick. But also bitches.”

• Goes to bed and lets you do everything

• “Thank you Y/N” he mumbles quietly

• Forehead kisses for him

[nerdynanny]

I’ve been put through the wringer this summer. More info below. I keep it vague but it does involve mentions of cyber bullying, transphobia, and ableism.

Back in May I got hella cyber bullied by some transphobic peeps who came together collectively to tell everyone I’m— a huge jerk. That’s it. I’m a dickbag to folks who piss me off (and engage in creepy/gaslighting behavior). I have all these folks blocked and haven’t interacted with most of them for THREE YEARS, since I cut ties and blocked them for disrespecting my boundaries and bullying me for content.

It hurt me a lot socially. Mainly because I wasn’t reactive. One of the dudes had to FABRICATE I was stalking him because he couldn’t look the victim without it. Mind you, this is a dude who disrespected my consent time and time again — and used my talents for content (which I never saw a dime of). He also has over a million YouTube followers. A very toxic internet famous dude.

In comparison, I have maybe 10k followers across All my social media. (I also have hard evidence of some foul shit about him that he wants kept quiet— illegal stuff)

The whole ordeal brought up a lot of trauma and was insanely triggering. I’ve got PTSD. I have done traditional therapy and CBT. I talk pretty extensively about accessibility and life with visible and invisible disabilities. Streaming is how I make money. I can’t work your typical jobs anymore because of my immune issues.

Anywho my health went on a downhill slope and last night I realized I’ve lost sixty pounds from the stress alone. On the one hand, I’m fitting into my pre Covid wardrobe. On the other— this strikes me as an unhealthy amount of weight in a short amount of time.

Couple that with my Hashimoto’s being exacerbated by stress (and boy howdy was that stress) it seems like a perfect storm. I’m pretty low activity here because I get tired so easily lately.

Therapy and my support system have me on the stress (for the most part) but I could seriously use a break. Maybe a bit of self care. Idk. I’m mostly venting here because I’ve kept this all bottled up for a while.

Moral of the story is: Cyberbullying has consequences. Save callouts for creeps, peds, and genuine dangers to a community.

[podfeels]

Podfeels Season 1 Retrospective

4/13/2024 marked the two year anniversary of Podfeels’ first airing, and in August, we will celebrate the three year anniversary of its inception as a project. It feels so strange, looking back on it all. To me, it feels simultaneously like its always been in my life, and also like it just started yesterday.

I’ve spent nearly three years now spearheading this project, and we’ve expanded from a team of ten to a team of thirty in that time, and have put out roughly four hours of highly produced, full cast, full sound effect audio drama.

That may not sound like much, but for a team composed almost exclusively of first timers at its inception, and with two big hiatuses out of everyone’s control, I’m pretty damn proud.

With Season 1 ending back in January, us currently in the exact two month midpoint between anniversaries, and Season 2 being worked on behind the scenes, I thought now would be a good time to release a bit of a retrospective on our first season. Talk about the process, what went wrong, what went right, and also release our assets for the public.

I’m splitting this into three sections so you can skip around based on what you give a shit about. 

Looking 8ack

Reminiscence about how I got into godfeels through a series of insane coincidences that make my heart feel warm.

2. Adapt8ion

Discussing the process of adapting the work into our medium.

3. Portr8s, 8ackgrounds, and Sound8ites

A release of Season 1’s art and sound assets for your perusal outside of the videos, use as desktop wallpapers, or what have you. 

Looking 8ack

In March 2020, I got covid for the first time. My workplace had no protections for it yet, so I lost my job. And while bedridden with covid, subsisting off a diet of lukewarm broth, saltines, and nyquil, I set my youtube Watch Later (ok, thats a lie, it was my Likes, which i used ((still use)) as a watch later instead of using the actual watch later function, BUT-) playlist to shuffle. And in this fugue state, I stumbled on the video that would completely change the trajectory of my life.

“What I Learned Writing 50,000 Words of Homestuck Fanfiction”, by Sarah Zedig. I vaguely remembered her from some video about the McElroys and from Hbomberguy’s stream, and I had put off watching this because at the time of its release, I hadn’t yet finished Homestuck. So I shuffled it away for later, and it found its way back into my lap at the perfect time. Having now finished the comic, read the Epilogues, actively reading Homestuck ^2: Beyond Canon, and five months in to my first ever real creative outlet in my semi-abandoned video essay channel, I was interested to hear what this goat had to say.

In the video Sarah went into detail about a ton of wider context about the Homestuck Renaissance that I was fully unaware of, and made a very strong case for her own postcanon work, godfeels. Her passion bled through and I figured, sure, why not, I’ve got nothing better going on, I’ll read the story of Spiderjeggings’ No Good Very Bad Transition. Why not!

55,660 words later, crying alone in bed, I was now a girl. Reading the scene of June making her list of wants the morning after Terezi’s return, I said out loud to myself, hoarse as can be, “I can’t put it off any longer.” 

After reading to current I ended up joining the godfeels fanserver, and from getting settled in these circles I’ve met so many people I wouldn’t have otherwise, and come into myself in ways I can’t begin to fully quantify. I went from one relationship to fourteen to now a stable four, the other person in my head shook back loose after a decade of suppression by me (sorry again, Aegis), I’ve become more cultured, I’ve gained more friends, I’ve gained more hobbies, and most relevant of all… I’ve gained Podfeels.

Podfeels proper actually started in a really funny and impromptu way. In Sarah’s video she mentions wanting to start a podfic adaptation of it, but with that being two years past with no more word, a conversation about it cropped up in the server, and it was revealed that it had been canceled for various reasons. Everyone immediately understood why that had to happen. It was an insane amount of work, especially now that Godfeels was entering the territory of a space opera. But the demand was there among all of us, and after almost a dozen loops of us all going “drat, would be cool. I wish someone would take the helm on that!”, I just went ALRIGHT I GET IT and opened up casting. Podfeels was actually originally a joke name made by someone in the server before I even entered the conversation, but we used it for so long during development that by the time we came to release day it just felt wrong to call the project anything else. The name just stuck.

After a few hours of people daydreaming about it happening, and me encouraging other people to take the helm, I finally gave in and opened up casting. Now, it’s important to understand, I had never directed ANYTHING like this before in my life. I made a really terrible sketch in high school theater class and that’s about it. I’ve always been a bit of a natural leader but never anything with the kind of scale this would require, and it showed. I crowdfunded almost all ideas for what to do and how to handle it, and my best idea for how to do auditions was “just send in a few lines of you doing whatever character you want”. And my language was… insufferably fawning. I was hedging my bets at every opportunity. Every development in the project was “tentative”, I was the “director” until someone else took charge, etc. Looking back its actually kind of adorable? 

Look at that sweetheart. She’s so scared. She has no idea the beautiful changes she is in for.

The casting process was an unmitigated DISASTER. Nobody there knew how to audition, and I didn’t know how to wrangle. We were an unstructured gaggle of doofasses stumbling into each other. And due to the limited pool, I was stretched kind of thin on where to put people. Obviously I stand by all our decisions and love our cast, but because I was pulling entirely from the fanserver, options were very limited. I wanted to get everyone who wanted one into a role, but having to do the math of “this person is 40% good at Character A and 60% good at Character B, but this OTHER person is 80% good at Character B and the closest runner up for Character A is only 35% good” was agonizing.

We ended up deciding to make a few demos first, to test our chops as actors and mine as editor. We had four planned. But after we fully produced our first two demos and had recorded the third… I decided we should immediately start chronological production.

Why did I make this decision, you ask? Well. We had a few months until 4/13/2022. If we immediately all went overdrive, me especially, we had the chance to get our first episode out on the 13th 4/13 anniversary of Homestuck, and like HELL was I about to let us pass that up. 

This was the right call, I think, but it did bring us into a BUNCH of complications. First off, it meant we never really tested our violence and drama chops on the houseraid. Second, if I had waited, we would have been able to dodge our first big hiatus, where I put us on pause for a couple months while we waited to see if our Terezi wanted to leave after she floated the idea, which she ended up doing. If we had stayed in prepro, we would have skipped a huge hiatus and not replaced a key character between episode one and two. It also meant that we didn’t fully solidify an editing pipeline, and I was handling practically all editing until around episode 3. Additional prepro time would have helped us iron that out, as well, rather than me breaking myself on the first couple episodes before bringing in help out of desperation. This rush ALSO led to us having to release episode 1’s video around a week after the audio’s release, and with a fucked up background because I was crunching so hard I didn’t notice I’d accidentally completely butchered John’s bedroom somehow! I think I somehow content aware filled the wall? Fucked if I know why!

This is an abridged version because I want to get us to the meat of the matter today and I feel a lot of the longer story is best saved for a video I plan on making down the line, when we’ve reached 50 hours of runtime. For now, let’s move on.

Adapt8ion

A few folks have asked for indepth adaptation notes for what we change in an episode and why. As a general rule, we make changes with three primary motivations. First, adjusting text-based ideas to sound-based. Godfeels plays with its medium in countless compelling ways that, when shifted to a different medium, are either clunky or incomprehensible. So our first job is to translate those into sound. Second, turning narration into sound effects. We don’t need to discuss sounds in the scene, or a character’s tone, when we can just hear it all ourselves now. This then expands into further issues, however, as some things DO need to stay as narration. There’s a lot of pathos in the narration, and often there’s details that can’t be conveyed through audio alone. But by removing just the audio cues, we are left with very clunky phrasing that does our source material no justice. So we have to rephrase entire sections to give them the same resonance, meaning, and clarity while also getting rid of all the things that are now extraneous in our medium. The third main type of edit is bringing it more in line with what comes later. Godfeels has been running a long time and has become a very different beast from where it began. I love this about it, but some ideas have ended up with insufficient preparation, and some thematic resonances are easy to see looking back but may be partially unintentional. We can take advantage of hindsight and bring certain things more in line with the work’s modern philosophies, such as putting an additional focus on the citizens of Earth C, introducing X as its own entity, playing with Dirk more as a villain, and introducing the question of “what happens to the leftover Junes in a retcon?”, all during Episode 6. 

I’ll be releasing a few other posts soon with detailed adaptation notes for every episode in the coming days, but I’ll leave it here for now and bring us to our final section-

Portr8s, 8ackgrounds, and Sound8ites

While the idea for video versions was a relatively late addition to our process, I’m very proud of the work everyone has put into making them what they are. Our art team and video editor do wonders. First up, we’ve got the talkpogs.

The talkpogs were my own invention, but I can hardly claim they’re an original idea. I’m sure something almost identical has been done before. What directly inspired me, though, was the old Polygon podcasts, where they’d have the hosts faces made out of polygons, with one loose and separated, synced to that host’s audio track. It was the first time I’d seen something like that and I knew I wanted something similar to indicate who was talking. From there it all fell into place pretty easily. The outer ring and the waveform is the character’s text color, and the background is their name color. If those two are the same (as they usually are), I apply a slight darkening to the background just for differentiation. The sprites, though, were all the art team. Unfortunately we didn’t have a base early on, so different artists drew to different scales. 

For the art style I told the artists to try to strike a middleground between Homestuck classic and girlpillz’s style which had just been shown in GF3.1.8.E, where godfeels got its first spritework. Otherwise, designs were largely up to the artists but we had conversations about them as a project. Overall I’m very satisfied with the work everyone turned in.

Backgrounds were a more complicated beast, but paradoxically also have less to talk about. We started out with one background per episode, which was pretty doable, but with the season 1 finale, and our expanded art team, we opted to expand out into a background per setting. The first two are just Pesterquest backgrounds I edited by hand, but after that we started having custom art. That was largely due to restraints lifting as the team grew, but it also turned out pretty good thematically, as the first episode with custom art was Episode 3, where June’s egg cracks. We left official art behind as June left the officially plotted course. I think it’s resonant.

Now we come to our latest introduction. KEY ART. We started doing this in Episode 6 and it’s so sick. Don’t expect these inclusions to be TOO common, but… we have some cool things in store here, and I think you’ll all be really excited to see ‘em. For now, here’s our first and so far only public piece of key art, Dirk menacing June against the tree. The final piece of art of Season 1, and the final piece of art of Season 1’s retrospective. It only seems fair.

Which now brings us to my own inclusion: sound assets. I’m very proud of the work I’ve put in to giving each character and concept their own unique aural profile. From the magical girl burning radiation of Jade’s magic, to the shattering static of June’s retcon, to threading the needle of Hammer, Sword, Plastic Toy, Dice, And Doomsday Device in June’s vrillyhoo. 

That’s all for today. In the coming week or so I’ll put together a few more posts, going over each episode in more detail, from point by point script edit notes, to specific art discussions. I also plan to bring in a few people who have been around since day one to talk about our experience setting up the project.

But for now, look forward to seeing more from us soon. Both in the upcoming devposts, and in Season 2. We've been on a hiatus to get our preproduction pipeline settled, and because we wanted to get a few episodes prepped so we can try to maintain a monthly schedule. But we're getting to the end of this phase now, and will be announcing Episode 7's release date very soon.

Until next time! :::;)

[biohazard-inevitable]

Hair

They say that hair holds stories, that the style is what makes a man.

They say long locks make you a pansy and a real man should have it short lest they be mistaken for a girl.

Where I grew up, every man buzzed their hair down.

It was a shame for it to be long and shaggy, and mothers would fuss over you, insisting upon a haircut.

For girls, it was fine.

They could have hair as long as they wanted or as short as they needed, so long as it wasnt buzzed as short as a man’s.

Being anything else just wasn’t a thing round these parts where churches chimed every sunday, pastors clammoring around resturants and filling their quotas in a single lunch.

So I buzzed mine.

I tried as hard as I could to seem as manly as possible

To appear as bull of a brute as any cowboy should.

I wore all the boy things and had all the short boy hair.

My scalp was sensitive anyways, so I thought it didn’t bother me.

It was better shorter.

Wasnt it?

I still gazed and clammored about the anime boys I saw on screen or in Otome games though.

I gushed about how pretty they were with hair down their backs like a silken curtain, or whipping wild through the air like the mane of a lion.

Legolas was never deemed as not manly enough

Beither was Zen or inuyasha or the undertaker.

A crush, I supposed.

Because of course thats all it was.

I was a gay little boy with gay little crushes and my type was men with long, Beautiful hair.

Right?

My hair was a dull, discolored brown from the shimmering blonde it used to be, the blonde I remember from kindergarten.

I tried to return to that blonde with bleach.

My school didnt allow unnatural colors, so anything was better than that matted, oily brown.

Shaved short and as platinum as a ken doll, I should have been as man as ever.

4 years, I stayed like that, and while the short hair was easy to take care of, I felt as hideous as a pile of sludge.

It didnt matter if I was loved for my looks, I supposed.

Wouldn’t that be too vain of me?

Boys weren’t supposed to care about what they looked like, they werent supposed to coo and admire Beautiful hair or seethe in jealousy that their sister looked so much better and has such long, goregous hair.

It wasn’t until after high school that I began to explore.

Covid let me grow my hair out more, though I still trimmed the sides.

I let my bangs grow long and shaggy over my face, like a veil to hide me from the world.

Eventually I dyed it again, this time going with that green I had always wanted to try, the one I had seen on my favorite youtuber growing up, fluffy and emerald.

Still, for years more, I kept it short. Only allowing that fringe to hover over me as some sort of style.

Recently though, I’ve realized I want that hair that those anime men had.

I want that soft curtain rolling down my back like waves of an ebony river, flecks of mossy green dotting it like a miasma of toxin flowing through the oily black stream.

I want the hair like the ring girl

The people around me are foolish and prudent to think the length of ones hair makes you more or less of a man.

I know that now, and I’m glad I do.

I want to stop pretending not to like things

[echoing--stars]

Hello worm. For your prompts, maybe Wind trying to show off to Wars how he’s just as much a hero as him despite his age? It can be fluffy or angsty, you decide. Also bonus points if Wind discovers Wars enlisted early and starts calling him a hypocrite

This was an amazing idea! I wish I could write more for it, but I hit a wall of fatigue (thanks flu shot and covid booster cries) so this is all I got. Maybe I'll come back to it!

(If you read this and would like to request a short snippet, see this post!)

Wind was sick of being treated like a kid. He didn't get as many watches as everyone else and never the second watch. They'd stopped early when he'd complained about the walk — even though Legend had been complaining for an hour. He was stuck with guarding civilians while the others battled the monsters. And now Warriors was getting his arm stitched up by Sky after taking a hit meant for Wind. He bided his time, however. Wind was mad but he wasn’t mean. He waited until Sky was finished with the stitches and bandaged Warriors’ arm. And then waited until they’d moved away from the battlefield and made camp. Warriors stood and stretched, then grabbed his waterskin, saying he was going to the nearby stream. Wind grabbed his own waterskin and followed. Warriors didn’t acknowledge his presence, but Wind knew better than to think he hadn’t been noticed. He wasn’t exactly trying to be sneaky, but he’d long since learned to not startle the captain, especially after a battle. When Wind kneeled down next to Warriors to fill his water skin, Warriors turned to look at him. “How are you doing, Sailor?” Wind pulled his waterskin out and slammed the lid back on. He rocked back on his heels before standing up. “How am I doing? I should be asking you that.” Warriors sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead. He stood up and stepped away from the water before turning to face Wind. “I’m fine. The cut was small and Sky took care of it.” “You took a hit meant for me.” Warriors froze for a moment, and his eyes met Wind’s. Like this, their height difference seemed greater than normal. “It—” “I’m not a kid, captain! I can fight my own fights! You don’t need to get injured to protect me.” “Sail—Link. That sword was heading for your back while you were engaged with another enemy. It was coming from your left, so you wouldn’t have been able to block it with your shield. I took a calculated risk to save your life.” Wind opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He’d known the enemy was there, had sensed the attack. But he hadn’t realized how dire it almost was. As much as he wanted to believe that he could have escaped the attack, he trusted Warriors’ battle experience to know what he was doing. “Okay fine. What about not letting me take second watch? And me taking fewer watches than everyone else?” Warriors tried to respond, but Wind cut him off. “Or putting me on guard duty while everyone else fought the monsters in Twilight’s world a few weeks ago?” Wind could feel the heat in his cheeks as he ranted. “I am just as much of a hero as anyone else. And I’m sick of being treated otherwise!” Wind took a deep breath. He spoke his final words soft and cold as a steel knife. “And one last thing. I overheard something the other day. That you lied about your age to enlist early. You’re such a hypocrite.” Warriors sighed and his shoulders fell slightly. It was as if he’d aged years just in the past few moments. Wind didn’t feel bad about it in the slightest. Warriors gestured to a fallen log a bit further away from the river. “Sit with me?” Wind huffed, but stomped his way over to the log and sat as far away from Warriors as he comfortably could.

“Link, I know you’re a hero. You’re amazing. Maybe even the best of all of us.” Warriors looked up to the sky where, the stars were just starting to come out. Wind scoffed. Fancy words with no substance behind them. “I’m serious!” Warriors said. “You’re the youngest of us, but your skill in battle rivals even the best fighters among us. You defeated Ganon and saved your world—” “Before you even joined the army,” Wind muttered and crossed his arms. “Exactly.” Warriors rubbed a hand over his eyes. “But that’s exactly why you should get to be a kid sometimes.” That made Wind pause. Warriors took the chance to carry on. “We all grew up too fast. Nearly all of us began our journeys before we reached adulthood. Some of us never stopped once we started, or at least not for many years.” Warriors expression was grim. It reminded Wind of the old man. “If I can give you — and all the younger heroes, for that matter — a chance to be a kid sometimes, I will take that chance. Over and over again.”

[morganbritton132]

Inquiring minds want to know, has the tiktok saga gotten Eddie and the rest of Hellfire any guest spots on any d&d actual play streams?

Awe, man, they do! Of course, they do! This is such a brilliant idea and I’m kinda mad I didn’t think of it.

It’s actually Dustin who gets involved.

I’ve always imagined Dustin as like, a Hank Green type.

During the early days of YouTube, he created a change and has grown a pretty good following on there with his science videos. It’s very educational while also being interesting and fun. Dustin could definitely make YouTube his full-time job if he posted more regularly but he loves his career and YouTube is really just a hobby.

But because Dustin is pretty popular and very open about his interests, he gets invited on a D&D stream and it’s great. The party wasn’t playing regularly at the time and Dustin had talked about missing the game and the characters he’s created over the years.

Since it went off with a hitch and Dustin was a fan favorite, he was invited back to play again. He mentioned that he has some quasi-famous friends who are really into the game and may be interested in playing too. Eddie doesn’t answer his phone so Dustin ends up bringing Jeff with him (Eddie is pissed and betrayed when he finds out).

Dustin never accepts another offer to be a guest on a D&D stream after that because his life just gets very hectic. He accepted a research position that takes him out of the country, gets back together with Suzie, breaks up with Suzie, and then moves back to Chicago just in time for COVID.

It’s not until Eddie gets popular on TikTok that they even think to do their own stream. Hellfire Club has been zooming D&D sessions since a month into lockdown and most of them have some kind of social media presence. They could stream their own game.

They actually make it a charity event so Erica doesn’t get criticized for having COVID-guidelines approved fun.

Once lockdown is over and the guidelines loosen up a lot, Eddie actually makes a video on TikTok talking about Jeff and Dustin’s betrayal and how he’d love to go on one of these D&D podcast things and then immediately gets invited to three of them.

[tathrin]

Since AO3 is apparently going to be down for a while, here’s a random little snippet of movieverse Legolas and Gimli with poor Aragorn, as usual, playing the role of their third wheel. I don’t write movieverse fic so I have nothing else to do with this thing, so here: I offer it forth freely. Do as thou wilt.

(Also I’m currently bleary-brained from covid so if you see any massive typos or paragraph jumps that don’t make sense...blame that, not me. Shh.)

Set after the Battle of Helm’s Deep. Rating: PG for innuendo.

Gimli barked a hearty laugh in response to the dry jest. "Oh, Master Elf," he chuckled, "I could kiss you right now!"

"You are very welcome to do it."

The words popped out of Legolas's mouth without his leave, and though he snapped his teeth closed after them it was far too late to catch them back.

For a moment there was nothing but silence in response. Legolas's thoughts whirled, trying to piece together a follow-up statement that would turn the sentence so that it seemed no more than their usual banter; something to make it harmless and light, like all their teasing was these days. But his thoughts broke apart like foam in the strong eddy of a stream, and no empty jesting words offered themselves to his salvation.

The silence seemed to be growing, as though all of Helm's Deep had paused in this moment to partake of his shame. Was every mortal in the courtyard staring at them? Had all of Rohan witnessed him making a fool of himself by so blithely, so vainly speaking the secret words of his heart? Legolas closed his eyes, as though that might be enough somehow to shut-out the world; as though he could hide on the other side of his eyelids like mortals did in their dreams.

"Well, then." A gruff voice broke the weight of the silence, and Legolas flinched as a dwarven throat cleared itself in a musical avalanche. "You'll have to bend down first, you fool elf—or do you expect me to fetch over a box?"

Legolas opened his eyes.

Gimli stood before him, not turning aside in derision or disgust; not laughing at him, or dismissing his words as some ill-spoken jest. Indeed, the dwarf's cheeks were redder than usual against the bright copper of his beard, and his strong fingers worked anxiously against one another, pressed so tightly that the pale knuckles stood-out against his callused skin like bright pearls.

"No," Legolas murmured. He felt dazed, like one who had wandered too close to some strangeness of wizards or great lords and was left reeling from the shock of brushing against a grand and unknown power. "No, you need no box."

He bent, arcing his head down towards Gimli's like a sapling who bows before a great mountain gale, and pressed his lips gently to Gimli's waiting ones.

Oh, but it was like kissing sparks—as though fire itself had been made flesh in Gimli's form, and Legolas shivered as those sparks spread to dance brightly through his veins. He drew back—

And suddenly rough, strong hands caught him by his jerkin, and he was pulled down hard and swift and hungry into another kiss, and oh it was not sparks at all; this was a blaze, a forest fire that would overrun and incinerate him; burning the tree of his heart down to ash, and Legolas would love the very fury of the blaze for its strength and its unceasingness; would throw himself into those flames again and again for the sake of feeling its heat dance upon his skin. It was like being alive, this fire; alive such as he had never felt himself before, in all his years under tree and sky.

"Gimli," he mewled, and his words were met by a growl such as that which mountains must have made when the world was forming. Legolas shuddered at the sound and all the strength fled his limbs.

He landed on his knees, falling with such gracelessness that a gasp of shock was torn from his lips only to be swallowed by Gimli's as the dwarf pressed their mouths together once again. Legolas surged forward into the kiss, now arcing up to meet the dwarf rather than down, and broad, strong hands unfurled along his back, pulling him tight against Gimli's cold mail and soft beard.

Legolas tangled his hands in the rich, thick hair, and whimpered in Sindarin so incoherent that he himself did not even know what he spoke; only that he spoke of love, and fire, and Gimli—always, always of Gimli!

"Stop talking so I can kiss you proper, Elf!" the dwarf grumbled, and Legolas went limp against Gimli and let himself be devoured by strong dwarvish lips and tongue and teeth and, oh, if this was how mortals dreamed then he was never going to wake up, never—!

A throat that had no mountains in it cleared behind him, and Legolas dimly became aware of cold stone under his knees, and the drip of old rainwater from tall places, and the creak and shuffle that was the constant noise of Men's rough bodies; he heard coarse voices muttering, and coughing, and muffled laughter; and he remembered where he was.

He drew back from Gimli slowly, trembling, and blinked in surprised confusion at the world beyond the dwarf's scorching mouth. It seemed impossible, somehow, that it should all still be there—the damp stones of Helm's Deep, the battered army of the Rohirrim, the tired king and the ragged Ranger—when everything else had changed so wholly and completely at the touch of Gimli's mouth that all of Arda now felt as though it had been made anew.

"Ah," he said thickly. "Aragorn."

"What is it, then?" Gimli growled impatiently, and his broad hands tightened on Legolas's shoulders and the elf shivered against the urge to melt into his strong touch once more.

"Glad as I am," Aragorn drawled, and while his tone was sharp with exasperation his eyes danced with bright joy, "to see this matter finally settled between you two, I must remind you that we are in some haste. There is a wizard to be seen to, remember?"

"Ah," said Legolas again, trying to remember why he should care about wizards when he might have dwarven hands upon his skin instead, "yes, of course. My apologies, Aragorn."

"I do not apologize," declared Gimli, and Legolas shivered again at the thrill of delight that the dwarf's possessive rumble sent dancing down his spine. "But very well; duty calls, and all else must wait upon its satisfaction…and," he added in a low voice meant for Legolas's sharp ears alone, "the waiting will make the satisfaction all the more rewarding, when at last I can tumble you into my arms."

Legolas's breath strangled in his throat and he sagged against the dwarf. Gimli chuckled and brushed his lips across the elf's pointed ear, and Legolas felt as though all his bones had turned to starlight. "Oh, you are wicked, Gimli!" he breathed, and Gimli's laugh rumbled in both their chests.

"You have no idea, my friend," he murmured back. "But how I will enjoy showing you."

"Enough," Aragorn commanded, although his lips were twisted sideways in amusement. He caught Legolas by the shoulder and hauled him to his feet, and never before had any elf risen with such ill-grace; he stumbled, and had Gimli's hand not been there to steady him, he likely would have fallen. He barely felt as though he could remember how to work his legs.

Gimli shot the Ranger a dark look and shook his finger at him. "Watch who you're man-handling, laddie," he chided. "King or no, it'll be axe-work for you if you go around oft putting hands to my elf like that in front of me."

My elf! The words sang in Legolas's head like stars. My elf!

He looked down at his dwarf—his dwarf!—and beamed. Gimli glanced up, and then away quickly, and his cheeks were crimson.

"Ah, well!" he mumbled. "No need to be getting all sappy about it!"

Legolas laughed and dipped to press a quick kiss to Gimli's brow—but no more than that, lest he once again forget all else but the presence of his own dear love.

Aragorn muttered something in weary Sindarin, but Legolas was not listening. No more did he hear the shocked muttering or nervous laughter of the watching Rohirrim; he had eyes—and ears—only for Gimli, as they followed Aragorn down the stairs to the waiting horses and the king.

He leaned down and caught Gimli's hand, lacing his long thin fingers through the sturdy weight of Gimli's shorter, broader ones. His heart sang to see how well their grips fit together, as though a part of him long missing had been reunited and made whole at last. "Your elf indeed," Legolas promised quietly, "from now until beyond the breaking of the world, in every way in which it might be measured."

"Ach!" Gimli made a strangled, choking sound, and his fingers tightened convulsively on Legolas's. "Sappy, as I said!"

Legolas laughed. "I am a Wood-elf, Gimli. My blood is half sap already—yet now, yes; now I think the other half is all given over to dwarven fire!"

"Not yet it's not," Gimli growled. "But give me time, and we'll fill you up with dwarven fire until you all but sing of it."

A shudder ran down from the tips of Legolas’s ears to his toes and back again. "And a better song all of Middle-earth will never before have sung," he agreed fervently.

"Friends, please!" Aragorn groaned from a little ways ahead. "I can still hear you!"

"Not half so well as all of Rohan will soon hear my elf singing his pleasure under my hands," Gimli muttered, and Legolas bit his lip with the effort of restraining his whimper.

"I promise you," he said huskily, "the song will be a duet, my dear dwarf."

Gimli shivered so hard his armor clanked. He spoke then in the language of the dwarves, and while Legolas did not know that secret tongue, the rumble of its words through his heart made his breath draw short and the tips of his ears burn red.

He paused on the last step before the courtyard and turned to face Gimli. "Meltha nín, I—" Legolas licked dry lips and tried again. "Gimli, if I—"

"Please!" Aragorn shouted. "My friends! Saruman, remember?"

Gimli shook his head and raised his voice to bellow, "A pox on all wizards!"

Legolas laughed as Gandalf sputtered in confused outrage. He left it to the dwarf to explain as he swung up atop their horse, pretending he could not see the aggrieved glower on Aragorn's face, and reached a hand down to pull Gimli onto Arod's back behind him. Strong dwarvish arms encircled his waist, and Legolas grinned as the horses trotted forward.

He was very much looking forward to that duet.

{ read more legolas and gimli fic here, once AO3 returns }

p.s. please feel free to reblog if you liked the fic. I know a lot of folks are new to tumblr right now, but trust me: that’s not just an acceptable thing to do on this site, but a lovely one. Whenever you see a post you like, consider reblogging it to share it with more people.

[heymeowmao]

2024.06.28 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321325050344135590145

bgm: 唯一的回答 (No Matter), Men in Love OST

LYN: It’s lagging? If it’s lagging, close the window then come back in. It’ll probably be fixed, then. LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Welcome! LYN: Long time no see. I haven’t streamed for a long time, right? Actually I am a little tired today, but I still wanted to come stream, more or less, and to give you some comfort. 

C: Have you recovered from your cold yet? LYN: I was over it a long time ago! I was sick a while ago, but I’m fine now. Is the nasal tone too heavy? I’m just a little tired, but it’s okay. I’ve come to play. LYN: I need to keep up my KPI, otherwise I won’t have streamed all month. That’s a little inexcusable. I still have to stream. Just because I’m an actor and singer now, doesn’t mean that I can give up on streaming. I should at least keep my quota. LYN: I’m afraid that when the time comes Weibo won’t give me my Livestream King title. I’ll ask them, “Why was I passed up for the title of Livestream King this year?” and they will tell me, “You didn’t stream for the month of June.” There’d be nothing I could say to contest. So, since this title is mine, no one else should think of taking it away from me. ~There will come a day when I take back what’s mine. That’s right- the 2024 Weibo Livestream King (award)!”

bgm: 我只愿朝着光 (I Only Wish to Face the Light), BYOL OST

C: Is it raining daily in Hengdian? LYN: Not every day, but it’s the season for it so it starts to pour every so often. Lately I’ve been filming when it’s pouring rain, though. It comes and goes and comes and goes. It’s quite humid. C: Is it hot? LYN: Of course it is. Shooting a guzhuang drama in the summer is asking for punishment. Hot is one thing, but it’s also stuffy and humid. If you’re standing outside in those clothes, I guarantee that not even a minute later you’ll have sweated through the under layers. It’s that hot.

C: Lao-da, I’m still watching KSTLB. LYN: Ok. I took some time while I was eating to take a look, because I always watch the variety shows that I’ve taken part in. LYN: Friends- don’t spoil it! I’m sure there are quite a few who are watching my stream that still haven’t watched the 9th episode yet. You can’t expose my identity! Wouldn’t that negatively influence everyone’s viewing experience? If they haven’t finished watching or haven’t started yet, but already know the result, that will influence their enjoyment. It won’t be “fresh”. If you aren’t watching (or reading the spoiler comments) it’s okay.

C: I’m listening to YOLO. LYN: Very nice. Listen to what you want to listen to.

C: Pick up another variety show for later. LYN: It should be a music variety. I have a music variety for later, so I will still have a show. It’s about time for me to pick up a music variety, so.. Let’s just wait. LYN: I feel like I don’t have enough experience anymore. When I first debuted I was young(er) and full of energy. I didn’t care about a lot of things. But now I feel like my body can’t keep up. I can’t keep up, mentally. My brain is working much slower than it used to. I keep wondering- did I get dumber after having contracted Covid? I keep trying to find excuses for myself. After I got Covid, I became stupider and it feels like I can never get enough sleep. It’s been a long time since I recovered from it, but I still feel slow. C: You’re getting older. LYN: Did you think that could hurt me? Let me tell you- I am hurt. /laughs/ No, I’m sure it has something to do with my age. Your Ning-ge- /coughs, old man mode activated/- Your Ning-ge is getting old. I’m not the young boy I used to be. I’m not the young man who debuted in 2018, full of youthful energy anymore.

- /singing along to his OST, but coughs from the effort/ LYN: I was originally planning to come here and sing some songs, but I’ve found that my voice is not in the best condition for it. 

C: Lao-da, make a heart if you see me. LYN: I can’t stand the people that come into my stream and try to exchange signals. My stream is for the general public, not for you alone. If you want to imagine that my stream is a one-on-one service, that’s okay, but don’t make me send you any signals. 

C: Ning-ge, will your drama air in the second half of the year? LYN: I don’t know. When it all comes down, I’m just an actor. The broadcast schedule of a drama is not something I can determine, and it’s not something I am worthy of knowing. It sounds a bit cruel, but it’s the truth. Often times the actors don’t even know if or when their drama will air. We might only be notified a few days in advance, and told to record some promo video to post. We don’t normally get much advance notice. So.. wait. LYN: There’s that methodology isn’t there: “Your only job is to keep working hard, and the rest is up to Heaven’s will.” Was that cheesy? But the logic is that you just keep on shooting dramas, and people are bound to like one of them. 

C: I’ve been in the midst of “archeology.” (looking up LYN’s past history) LYN: Ok. You can… but the workload is a lot. Jiayou. You work hard.

C: Ning-ge, I’ll see my test results the day after tomorrow. Can you wish me well? LYN: Of course, I hope that you will get a good score. I hope that your scores are high. Jiayou. I hope you can go to the school of your choice and that you can achieve everything you wanted. Jiayou. (x2)

C: Can you say something in English? LYN: OK. How is it? Didn’t that sound perfect? O-K. LYN: Very good. You are so beautiful. Very good.

C: What does that mutual stabbing in SJYM mean? LYN: What does it mean? It means that- what’s it to you? You can watch it when the drama airs. Are you expecting me to give you drama spoilers?? Ask, ask, ask. Do you think that’s something you should be asking?? You think I look forward to seeing a headline that reads, “LYN reveals the whole SYJM script online”?? How could I do that?! C: You’re so mean. LYN: Sorry. When people are tired and have low blood sugar they might tend to be more explosive. Excuse me. Allow me to reply to that question again. Someone asked, “What’s up with the three of you stabbing each other? Can you tell us about it?” My reply was perhaps a little abrasive, when I said, “What’s it to you?”. Let me reply properly, now… - /prepares/ LYN: What business is it of yours? :) LYN: Look, I’m asking with a smile. How gentle. LYN: What business is it of yours? If it doesn’t concern you, please don’t ask. C: Isn’t it the same??

C: Release more pictures. LYN: I rarely take selfies anymore, so there’s nothing in the storage to post. Let’s revisit this when I have an opportunity to save up some more photos.

C: Ning-ge, you were touched at the airport? LYN: Last time I went to Changsha to shoot for a show, and a fan at the airport touched me, a little. It’s okay. I’m a grown man, a small touch would not lose me a piece of meat. But my “it’s okay” does not mean “it’s okay to touch me”. That is, try your best not to make contact. No, not “try your best not to” but “don’t attempt it at all.” What I meant by “it’s okay” was that the incident has passed, so I’ll let bygones be bygones. I don’t need to find out who that person is, in order to attack them. LYN: I was thinking about it on the way home and I came to a conclusion. I really don’t like people touching me; I don’t think it’s very resepctful. But I was thinking that maybe when I walked in front of her something else floated by. My hand”some”ness. So this person smelled (?) my handsomeness and couldn’t help themselves. That’s what I was thinking when I was home and lying in bed. That’s what I was thinking, so I have forgiven that friend. Because it’s because of me, that they could not control themselves. So I’ll let it go, but give a strict reminder when I’m streaming. LYN: I’m joking, joking. But I hope that the next time we see each other, we can communicate with manners. Okay? Don’t touch me. If you touch me next time, I’ll report you. 

-----

C: Wish me a Happy Birthday! LYN: Many of you are celebrating your birthday today, yeah? Ok, then Happy- Let me record a voice message for you. Let me close the captions. You can turn on your screen capturing program now and record this video message. You can save it to your phone so that when you’re celebrating a birthday you can just play it. Today, for all of you in the stream, I will record my well wishes. I’ve already turned off the on-screen captions. Let me fix my hair- oh, it’s even uglier. /fixes it again/ Okay. Let’s go. LYN: Hello, everyone. I am Liu Yuning. I’d like to wish the friend in front of me a Happy Birthday, and I hope you can be happy every day and that all goes smoothly. LYN: Was that okay, friends? C: No, it wasn’t personal enough. LYN: Is that so? Then, I’ll record all the other versions too. “Hello, I am LYN. I’d like to wish-” /moving his mouth/ I’ll make the shapes with my mouth and then you can go and dub it yourself. “- a Happy Birthday!” Okay? 3, 2, 1. Start! - /Birthday Wish Video Message V2 (fill in the name ver.)/ C: It was too fast! LYN: What do you mean “it was too fast”! Is your name four to five characters long? My mouth moved four times, that should be about enough! C: It went too fast, I could’t record it in time. LYN: There’s the playback. When we’re done you can go back to find it. - LYN: Friends, let me also record a wedding one for you to use when you get married, because many of you aren’t yet. Okay, ready? 3, 2, 1. Record. LYN: Hello everyone, I am Liu Yuning. I’d like to congratulate ZZZ and YYY on their wedding. I hope you are blessed with children soon and may you live a long and happy life together. LYN: Perfect. - LYN:  Look at that. Usually when you want a video like this from an artist, you have to rely on your connections to get you a chance but here I just give it to you directly. When you get married, you can play this clip from me and tell people, “This is my friend.”

C: Ning-ge, can you record one for my successful grand opening (of a business)? LYN: Friends, it’s like this. Many people will ask me for such video messages, but most of the time I don’t record one. Especially for businesses, I pretty much never agree to record one, because I don’t think that these messages should be used for marketing. A message for your grand opening would turn this into business. In that case, we’d need to discuss collaboration and a contract. LYN: We don’t do business messages here. But if it’s for something between friends like a birthday or wedding, that’s okay. If it’s for business then at the very least you should be transferring me 200rmb before I’ll record one for you.

C: Record a wake-up call. LYN: … I think I have, before? I think I went on some show and they asked me to record a wake-up call for my fans. I’ve done this before.

C: Then just record another one! I don’t want the old one, nor do I want to try to find it. LYN: How lazy you are! You just want everything handed to you. You want too many things.

C: Are we making video messages today? LYN: No, someone earlier is celebrating their birthday. I won’t joke anymore. LYN: I wish everyone present in my stream- if you’re celebrating a birthday today- that you can be happy every day. Also, you’re one year older now, so… learn something. LYN: I meant that in a good way!

------

bgm: 陽光總在風雨後 (Sunshine After the Rain) > 热辣滚烫 (YOLO), YOLO Movie OST

C: Have you decided on your next drama? LYN: Why did you have to bring up such a sensitive topic? Well, it’s not that sensitive, because I have been seeing what people are posting so I did want to talk about this the next time I streamed. But then I couldn’t figure out how to say what I wanted to say. Sometimes when I need to say something relatively stricter, I always think about how I should say it. I want to make sure I’ve thought it through first. Usually when I touch upon a topic, I’ve already thought of about 70% of what I want to say. LYN: Sometimes people take my content out of context. Maybe if you spend ten minutes listening to me talk about the same topic, you wouldn’t misinterpret what I’m trying to say. But just one wrong word can trigger something which makes the whole thing sensitive. Do you get what I’m saying? You only focus on the few seconds, but don’t get the concept of what I’ve spent ten minutes to explain. It creates ambiguity. So that’s why… when I haven’t thought something through all the way I don’t particularly want to talk about it.

LYN: But since we’re on the topic, let me share my thoughts. What I’m saying now has nothing to do with other artists, and it is especially not directed anyone else’s fans. Right now, I am speaking to my own fans. In reference to what dramas I will pick up: I won’t say, “I’ll pick up what I want to, you don’t have to worry about it.” That’s not what I mean. But I do want to say that I am a 30+ year old grown adult- approaching 40. Every decision I make in my life in regards to my work has undergone careful thought or there are reasons behind my choices that you are unaware of and I cannot tell you. It might not be the ideal choice you want me to make, but they are choices that I’ve made after careful deliberation and reflection. Also, I’m sure that I would understand better than about 90% of you watching- how to be an artist. You have to admit that, right? I used to just be a street busker, who somehow went viral, established himself as a singer, and is now an actor. Right? I’m sure that I know better than 90% of you what things I should be doing and what dramas I should be accepting. Before, too, many of you wouldn’t acknowledge the decisions I made. When you look back you should realize that there must have been a reason I had made my decision. LYN: You need to trust me. Of course, there were times that my choices were a mistake- that’s a given. Rather than a “mistake”, they were the best choice I could make at the time. Looking back on those decisions now might leave you with regrets, but they were the best choice could have made at the time. They were choices I made after consideration of my position at the time. You just need to trust me. No one can tell what the results will be, but I have my reasons for making the decisions I do. That’s what I wanted to share with you.

LYN: Also, I won’t… how do I say this… I won’t just numbly do something without considering it first. I’m getting older, so there’s no way I would blindly do something. Every variety show I participate in, every song I release, my concert, and the dramas I accept- all decisions are made after making careful considerations. I won’t accept something just because it pays me more. Honestly, a few years ago when I was marketing, I made a lot more than I do now. But I don’t do that anymore. If there’s one thing you can trust me for, it’s that I will never make my decisions based on profit.

C: Got it, Ning-ge. I understand. Ning-ge is someone who “considers money as trash”! LYN: Are you trying to kill me? That’s anti-fan talk, right there. What artist in this world would dare to say that “money is no object to me.” Who dares?? Stop putting labels on me. LYN: I’ve said before, that I don’t think of money as money. I think of it as my life. If it’s supposed to be mine, then it’s mine. If it’s not mine to make, then so be it.

C: Ning-ge, you’re right. Looking back, 90% of your choices were the right one. LYN: They’re… not necessarily “right.” I just feel like… when I am looking at projects… I’ll filter it through a bunch of miscellaneous thoughts before I make my decision. When I receive a project, of course I am honored to have received notice of it in the first place. Secondly, I will look at it from different angles: 1. The Script, 2. The Production Company, 3. The Platform, 4. [???] - there’s no ranking to this!- 5. Director, 6. Actors. I will consider all these factors to look at the project comprehensively before making a decision. I don’t only look a the script, think it’s good, and make my decision. Or think, “Wow, this actor is a big name. I should collaborate with them.” or “This Director is amazing, I should accept.” I don’t only look at one factor, but look at the project collectively. 

C: You’re really talking in depth about it. LYN: I won’t anymore. It’s just something that I wanted to share. My decisions aren’t made in jest. There’s a reason behind the choice I make for the work I choose to do. I choose it for a reason. I hope that you can… respect- no, trust me. I don’t think I can ask for your respect, but at least trust me. Trust in my choices and we’ll be ok. LYN: Additionally, don’t tear down anyone I work with. This is something I keep repeating. Don’t fight about anyone I’ve worked or collaborated with. At this point I have a clear understanding of the tricks of “how to be an artist”, but I don’t want to use them and I don’t advise any of my fans to implement them either. I hope you can do that for me. Let’s just play among ourselves. C: What if other people come to start fights with us? LYN: Just… don’t fight back. This is the nature of fighting. You can… How do I say this? When you fight back, that’s when we start hurting each other. Do you get it? At first it’s a favorable condition, but once you start fighting back then you’re just mutually hurting one another. It’s that simple. LYN: I don’t know. Let’s not talk about such a sensitive topic anymore. LYN: Just block them. Pretend you didn’t see anything and block them. If you see something you don’t like, just mark the post as “not of interest” and leave it at that.

---

LYN: Also, I see that a lot of you care a lot about me- a bit like my mother. 1. Like my mother, and 2. Like my manager. You’ll say, “Your wig, Ning-ge! The wig is too low! What’s wrong with your drama crew? Can’t they see that they’ve put your bangs too low?? If you keep on like this, it won’t do at all.” “You don’t respect Ning-ge! How could you put his wig on so low???” /sigh/ I’ve seen those posts, and that you’ve even tagged the director in them. I really don’t know where you learned this behavior. You can’t learn the good things, but you sure can pick up this type of thing quickly, one after another! You’re either attacking wardrobe saying, “The clothes you made for my idol don’t look good. They’re too ugly! What the hell is that?? What’s with the texture? Why is the color like tomatoes and eggs?” or “This wig is on too low, why don’t you just start it at his nose??” Actor-fans can’t learn one good thing, but they sure can learn the bad without missing a beat!

LYN: I want to tell you something, my friends. In regard to my wig being too low: you shouldn’t judge whether the wig is low or not just based on leaked photos. This thing (the placement of the wig) is based on where the camera is stationed. First of all, we’re not recording from an angle that looks like we’re filming sneakily. If you’re looking at it from where the paparazzi are- they’re either very high or very low, or in some weird place trying to catch a glimpse of us as we spend our days filming. The angles at which they are taking these pictures are quite strange and deceiving. DO YOU KNOW?? They aren’t shooting at the right angles because 1. since they’re not close enough the dimensions get skewed and 2. if I’m shooting at ground level and they’re 10m up, looking down at me- do you think the angle of that sneakily taken picture will come out well?? That’s why I want to say, that the high or lowness of my wig and whether it looks good or not depends solely on where the camera is. Because in the end it’s going to be recorded, edited, and turned into a drama for your viewing based on the location of the main camera.  LYN: Let me tell you about it from a different angle: you can’t tell with your eyes whether the wig is on high or low. You might think that the placement is just right when looking with your eyes, but through the monitor it’s higher or lower. Everything- low or high, makeup, wardrobe, color, texture- all of it is based on how well it appears on the monitor. Friends, that’s the way it is.

C: You’re getting worked up? LYN: No- this is not how I act when I’m agitated. This is a purposeful performance persona that I’m using to tell you about these things, so that you don’t think I’m actually angry about it. I’m executing this as a performance, to tell you about it so that you find it interesting. C: Do you have other personas? LYN: What type of persona do you want to see? 🙂

---

LYN: Of course, there could be times where you sometimes pretend that you understand the visual of the historical drama wig. You could understand it, you could know, and you could THINK that you know. You can pose it as a question- “Do you think Ning-ge’s wig looks a little low?”- and share it with others, but don’t just directly start pointing fingers at the hair and makeup artists and demanding, “Do you know how to do your job??” This is their profession, so I’m sure that they know better. What I’m trying to say is: try not to create friction. In the end all of these elements are optimized to look best based on the final recording and how it looks in the monitor. Right? Otherwise why would the phrase “on camera” exist? If everything were made to be seen with your naked eyes or in a photo, then we wouldn’t be having this discussion. The standards are made for the main camera, okay? Listen to me.

C: The YNGS wig was low. LYN: Honestly, I’ll admit to that. That was a tiring drama to film- we had some very long days of shooting. Once you move or sweat, the seal releases and the wig starts moving. If we’re still in the middle of filming, all they can do is glue it back down so that you can continue. The more times they glue it back down again, the lower it becomes. If you put it too high to begin with, the whole thing will just slide off the back. It’s true that in YNGS, you’ll discover that some scenes are very good but others are low. It’s because we took many shots that day. Whenever the seal starts to open, we’ll pull and glue it back down. The more we pulled, the further down it ended up.

LYN: This time though, we’re quite strict about it. This time, there’s a standard of measurement for the positioning of my wig, too. That is, I’ll use my beads to measure the length. This is how I do it- I’ll take this strand, start at my hairline, and count the number between my hairline and the point of my nose. It’s twenty beads. I start to count… “1, 2, 3, …. 19, 20. 21?!” “No, this won’t do, laoshi. It needs to be twenty. Look.” - /puts the beads back to his hairline, counts, and tells them where it needs to be/ LYN: “This is the highest it should be. Okay, nice!”

LYN: That’s what I do, now. Why did I start to play with beads? It’s because it’s a string of beads- it may look like a stress relieving tool, but it has another function as a measuring tool for the height of my wig. C: Ning-ge, but what if you have a jingang bodhi today, but fengyan tomorrow? LYN: On a fengyan, it’s 18 beads. I have a standard of measurement for every strand I own. // Xinyue bodhis are 28 beads, because they’re smaller in size. LYN: I carry these beads around everyday, but it’s not a sure thing what I’ll use them for. So friends, you don’t have to worry. My wig is placed at the same height every day. You might think it’s high today, but by tomorrow you won’t think it’s low. [??] The logic is that I’ve used these beads to measure. I’m not kidding. C: I can’t believe people are buying this. LYN: I’m being serious. /unconvincingly/ I’m being serious about this, at least. This one is really true. C: /doesn’t believe him/ LYN: You think I’m bluffing and joking?? I’m being serious~!! FOR REAL!! LYN: I’m saying that we do measure it, but we don’t use the beads to do it. Friends, honestly, we use a measuring tape. That’s strict enough, isn’t it?

C: Ning-ge, when you measure it tomorrow take a picture as proof. LYN: …? You- /laughs/ There are two angles to this. 1. Why should I take a picture, just because you told me to? And 2. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you find the proof? How is it that you don’t believe I use a measuring tape, and you want me to prove that I do? I have to provide the evidence myself?? Fine then, when I’m finished with makeup tomorrow I’ll grab the measuring tape and snap a photo for you. 

----------

C: Can you talk about 618? LYN: They day that I sang? 618 is a Hunan Satellite TV event. Actually, when I’m already in a drama crew I will rarely accept invitations to events like these because I feel like it would split my attention. I’ll be focusing on shooting the drama when they want me to stop and do something else. What I mean by that is that I have limits- my mental capacity has a limit and I don’t really like to go out. But sometimes when I’ve been in the drama crew for too long, there are moments when I do want to get out and wander around and take a breather. Even if that’s going to the market and eating some crayfish. It’s still feels relaxing. You need that balance between work and rest. So I went to Changsha.

LYN: At the start they had asked me if I would do a set of songs. I asked which ones, and they mentioned three. I said, “Okay, but the problem is… these songs are all from last year or two years ago.” I was thinking that they’re making it seem as if I’m not prolific enough- that’s what I was thinking! They found my best OSTs from the previous years. But I was- :(. I CAN do it, since they’re songs that people have acknowledged, but the fact that I would be singing songs from previous years and not this one gives me the feeling like I haven’t done much this year. I feel like I am being eliminated by time. So I didn’t want to sing them, since it made it seem as if I hadn’t made any breakthroughs this year. But there’s YOLO- it counts as this year, right? and Offer- even though it’s from last year, but it’s special to me. 1. It was my first lead role and 2. I sang it. It means a lot to me. So we agreed on these two songs, and I went.

LYN: Six days before I was set to go, I started catching a cold. Those days I was wearing the armor, with the mask and hat- you know the look. We were shooting fight scenes, and after I would be soaked with sweat- you know how hot Hengdian was- and I would head straight for the air conditioning in that state. At first I thought I was fine- it just felt really great. When I was standing under the AC I would think, “OMG, this feels great~” I thought I was going to die, I couldn’t catch my breath, but the AC felt great. And then I got sick. I gave myself a cold. LYN: I felt terrible. Because normally I rarely get sick during the year- maybe only once or twice. But this time I got sick. If you look at the leaked photos, you can see me blowing my nose. I was blowing my nose or sneezing every other minute. I was in it. But the weird thing about this cold was that even after a week I still hadn’t recovered. Because I knew that a week later, I would have to attend this event. In my recollection, if you’re not well in three days, you be well in four. If you’re not well in four days, you should be more than fine by five. But it was seven days and I was not fine yet. It was getting to the deadline and I was dumbfounded. LYN: I couldn’t speak without sniffling, and I had this event to attend. As a singer I hold myself to a standard that I must sing live. If I went, I’d need to sing live, but I was sick. Also, it seems that audiences have higher standards for singers. Because of a certain variety show, now audiences have high standards for singers. Because they like to take the singer’s raw vocals and put it through some software to see how accurately they’re singing the notes. It’s not as if I was afraid of singing live- I like it. I enjoy singing live, and it’s when I’m recording that I don’t feel anything. But I was thinking, “I’m done for.” I- Liu Yuning- have spent the past month and a half shooting a drama and finally got the opportunity to go out and attend and event to show my face, take some nice pictures, and look handsome. To go on stage and sing some songs that myself and everyone else likes- my own songs- so that I can leave behind a wonderful stage and beautiful image. How nice is that? But I was sick.

LYN: I felt terrible. Deeply pained. What could I do?? What if the time came and my voice cracked? I would be trending at No.1 with the topic “LYN_SoundsTerrible”. It would be the end of me. What do you think would happen- do you think I would still be able to keep business in the OST industry? How was I going to keep getting jobs? Would I still be the “Bodyguard of Love”? I started thinking all sorts of things. I was terrified. I’d arrive in Changsha on 6/16 and perform on the 17th. I woke up at 8am on the 16th, went into makeup and shot a whole day of scenes. After that I headed straight for the airport, flew to Changsha, and went straight for rehearsal as soon as I landed. And then… - /preps/ LYN: Normally, everyone has to go rehearse. The first thing you do is to test the mic- you have to listen to the ration between the in-ears and vocals, because you’re singing live. It needs to be tested. I went like this- -- 奉上 (purposefully singing poorly every once in a while) LYN: That’s how I sounded during rehearsal. Because first, I was sick and second, I was up all night so my condition was the worst it could be. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to control the high notes, but I had to pretend that I could handle it. I said, “Sorry, laoshi”- I used the mic to tell them- “Sorry”- I was giving myself an out- “Let me try again. Maybe I haven’t been on stage in too long. Let me try that again. /coughs/.” I purposefully coughed so the mic would pick it up. /coughs/ To secretly tell them that I was sick. “This is not reflective of LYN’s actual skill. Please don’t regret inviting me.” So the first rehearsal was done. The second time around director came and asked me if I wanted to do another run, and I said yes. “I want to try that again. /cough/.” Ok- LYN: The second time I only had five words in my head: pretend it’s the real performance. I had to do it seriously this time, because honestly the first time I wasn’t trying that hard. Because the purpose of it was to test the mic levels, to make sure the audience is hearing well and that my in-ears are working right. The second time around I have to give it my all. “Even if I ruin my voice, I will not crack this second time.” I’m sure that there are fans in the audience who spent money to get a seat. Every time I rehearse, there are always these fans who use alternative means to get through the back door. If they hear me sing badly, they’re going to stop being my fan. Usually, the people who can afford to spend money to get into the venue- even though as artists we do not condone this behavior of using improper means- it proves one thing: they either have money or have connections. They’re fans with a different type of skill. Of course, all of my fans are important to me! I’m just afraid that you’ll think, “Ning-ge sound like THIS live? Forget it. UNSTANNED!” So for the second time I was thinking that even if I ruin my voice tonight and I can’t speak tomorrow, I still have to sing properly. Let’s do it. -- 奉上 (take 2) LYN: /interrupts himself to say/ I think I was wearing this exactly, that day. This hat and these shades.

LYN: People need to find their confidence. After the first high note, I was much more relaxed for the rest of the song. After that I didn’t crack too terribly. But honestly, I wasn’t the best. I was thinking the next day I wouldn’t do ANYTHING. I would go home, shower, and just lie on the bed and have a good sleep. I needed to sing live for the performance, and I didn’t want to be laughed off the stage. It wasn’t worth it. I had enough ridicule as a singer five years ago. Maybe three years ago. But in the recent three years very few people have attacked me for being a singer. This is the truth. Five years ago, everyone just thought I was “internet famous” so when I was singing and called myself a singer they said, “What “singer”?? You’re just internet famous is all.” But in the recent three years very few people have questioned my identity as a singer. Because they’re rejecting my identity as an actor instead. So I don’t want to sing this song poorly and destroy my image as an actor- I mean- as a singer. Because I’m on the “actor” stage of my life now. If you take away my identity as a singer, the next thing they’ll be saying is, “LYN, you aren’t worthy to be a streamer.” They won’t even let me stream. They don’t think I’m worthy enough to be anything. 

LYN: I wasn’t quite satisfied with my performance that night, because I didn’t sing well. In Offer, the first two high notes of the chorus weren’t very stable and I was noticeably off-key for one of them. There were a few places I was outrageously off key. For YOLO, it was my first time singing it live. I really was nervous that day. Usually I’m not nervous when attending these types of events. But I was really nervous that day, because I knew that I wasn’t in the best condition. I knew that I didn’t sing the first song as stably as I could have. I didn’t sing it well. So then for the second song, I wanted to find that stability back. I tried. And then- I started the song too early. I started the song a beat too early. - /plays the song/ LYN: In this part (the vocalization) I was supposed to be melancholy. I was supposed to be walking towards the rear of the stage, because they had told me “Ning-ge. When you finish Offer, walk back towards the stage.” I was planning it all out. I would walk, and when it reached the end I would open up my arms as if I were embracing the light and embracing the future. I was thinking that since I didn’t sing my first song well enough, I should at least pull off the second. The arrangement started and it went to my head. - /playing it out again/ LYN: I jumped in too early. /holds a not to get back on beat/ I was dazed. I was thinking “It’s over.” I made myself look cool for nothing!! I messed up and it’s a flop. I entered the song too early. That’s such a basic thing, too!! So I was wondering how I could make up for the slip and pretended it was okay. In the later part of the verse I purposefully dragged it, to see if I could trick the viewers. Only the viewers watching live- I can’t trick anyone watching the playback later. /reenacts/ I forgot exactly what I did, but I was thinking that since I came in too early, I would drag out the end and it would look like that was all part of the plan. It would only work to trick anyone who was watching the performance at the time, but not for anyone watching the playback. 

C: Ning-ge, I thought you forgot the lyrics. LYN: I didn’t forget the lyrics. I was just too excited, that day.  Excited, nervous, and most importantly because I knew that my condition wasn’t the best because I was sick. I was really afraid of cracking, so I wasn’t relaxed. But from the moment I made my first mistake I started relaxing because I knew it couldn’t get any worse than it already was. From the moment I entered too early, it took me 3-5 seconds of nerves before I just let go completely and finished off the song.

-----

C: How was the fan support? LYN: It was nice. But maybe it’s because lately I’ve just been shooting in the crew and haven’t gone out much, but you shouted so loud you gave me tinnitus. I was thinking it was a but too loud. You all were shouting too fiercely. I usually finish up my business and come out side to greet you, right? But this time when I went out your shouting gave me tinnitus. When I got on my car I felt like my ears were ringing. 

C: Were you afraid? LYN: Afraid? What’s there to be afraid of? No, why would I be?? If I were walking along and you quietly came and held out a letter to me, then I would be afraid. You’re very welcoming, so there’s no need for me to be afraid. 

C: Ning-ge, you sang the wrong lyrics at 618. LYN: You just came in didn’t you, kid? Did you just arrive now? I already spent about 15 minutes talking about my experience at the 618 event. I talked about the whole process and what I was thinking. I already finished talking about it, and NOW you come in to tell me that I missed some lyrics?? You came late. You can watch the playback later.

C: When are you streaming until? LYN: I’ll stream for a while then leave because I’ve got a day of filming tomorrow and I have to go over my scenes. I have quite a lot of them in this drama. Every one of them is a challenge to shoot. It’s very complicated. But of course, I believe that- as with everything- as long as you put in enough hard work you will be rewarded. How much is unknown, but there is a reward. So that’s why even if it’s tiring to shoot this drama, I still think it’s okay. 

C: Ning-ge, when will Cicada Girl air? LYN: They’ve asked me to go do the voiceover recently. I don’t know where it is in the censorship process, but they’ve asked me to supplement the voiceover. From the actor’s perspective, I’ve been asked to redo lines that weren’t executed well or need to be changed. I really don’t have a lot of scenes in this drama. Maybe only 200 or so. It only took be a month and a half to finish all my scenes. I have very little scenes, and the whole show only has 24 episodes. All you need to do is watch and support it when it airs. LYN: A couple days ago when Ziwen-jie was doing her voiceover, she sent me a message. She asked me if I had done my part yet, and I told her that I received the notice but haven’t gone to the studio yet. She said, “It’s good! I almost laughed myself to death, it’s very amuding.” I replied, “Is that so? How is it- my acting?” She’s seeing the edited parts already, since she needs to do her lines, so I just asked her how my acting came out. “Is it okay?” She said, “Uh- okay. Let’s talk later! I need to finish my lines!” XD LYN: I’m joking. Don’t take that seriously. The content of my stream is a joke. Please don’t take it seriously. LYN: I asked her, “How’s my acting?” and she replied, “It was very good. I think it’s very amusing and it was funny when we were filming it, too.” She meant that it was fun even while we were shooting it. I let her go, since she needed to finish her lines. I’ll see it in any case, when I go to record mine.

C: I’m not a fan, I just happened to scroll by. LYN: It’s fate that brough you here. Everyone is a guest. With so many people in China, among the vast sea of people the fact that you and I are able to meet is fate. An encounter is centuries in the making, and millenium makes a marriage. In a decem-millenium (10,000 years) you scroll across my weibo. Think about how cruel fate is. You can only come across my weibo after 10,000 years! That’s fate. So, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. Thank you. - [t/n: the original quote is decade & century. 十年修得同船渡,百年修得共枕眠]

C: I’m your antifan. LYN: You’re here to turn yourself in? That’s great. Antifans are… Forget it- I feel like if I say the same thing I did the last time it won’t have any meaning. There’s a promise I made with my antifans in my last stream- you can go watch it. C: The 30-year promise. LYN: Right. I said in my last stream that as long as an antifan can continue to do so, within 30 years there will come a day where they realize they actually love me. Believe it. Let’s wait and see.

C: Lao-da, you’re trending. LYN: It’s not a hate-topic is it? I didn’t say anything! D: I didn’t say anything wrong today, did I? bgm: 世世 (Lifetime) - Legend of Shen Li OST LYN: Friends, you said- There’s a problem, which is- do you know why it’s taking me so long to look? Because I can’t find any trending topic. LYN: /is sad/  bgm: JVKE - Golden Hour LYN: /singing & “sobbing”/ LYN: See friends, people always say that LYN has ulterior motives. He’s so conniving- all of his projects are gained by drinking and chatting with people. Look at me now, though. I can even be tricked by netizens in my own stream. I’m someone who’s easily tricked by scammers. The phone scams can even trick me sometimes. So how could I have the brains to pull myself resources and work?? That’s why, you should never try to understand a person based on what others say about them. How should you understand them? From the heart. Use your heart to understand them. LYN: I had a line that went: “If you want to understand a person, don’t use your eyes.” No- the line went, “Let me tell you. If you really want to understand a person, don’t use your ears. Use your eyes.” … But I don’t think that’s accurate either. You should use your heart. Because what you see might not be the truth.

LYN: My shoulders are a little sore. I’m just exercising my back so I can relax the muscles. bgm: 万物盛开法则 (The Law of All Things in Bloom) - Zhang Dawei

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C: When will you release your album? LYN: I don’t want to discuss this topic. /sigh/ An album is really hard to make. It’s really not easy… Let’s not rush it! You ask me, “When will you release your album?” and I shall reply, “Let’s not rush it.” - [t/n: In Chinese, it rhymes: 专辑  (album - zhuānjí) & 着急 (worry/feel anxious - zháojí)]

C: You still won’t release it yet? LYN: I haven’t completed it yet. Honestly, a bunch of songs were done 2-3 years ago but I never released it because I don’t have enough. I want to release the album when I’ve collected 10 songs. I haven’t collected enough. When I listen to songs now, I kind of want to puke. I’m talking about the demos. There are just too many, and I can’t pick out which ones I like. It’s nothing to do with my style, it’s just that I’ve heard too many and now I’m numb. (recites lyrics to Jay Chou’s 世界末日 (End of the World))

C: If you don’t release one, it’ll be expired. LYN: You’re not wrong. /sigh/ I really want to let you hear some of it. Because once you do you’ll know that these songs are timeless. What I mean is that they are not bound to this era, so they won’t “expire.” C: Let’s hear some. LYN: There’s no way I would let you hear it. If I were to release it tomorrow or the day after, I would let you hear the starting rhythm or something. But you want me to play my album during my stream?! Then, who would buy it?

LYN: There’s someone in the chat who is constantly spamming what number topic I’m trending at. If you continue, and I find out you’re tricking me, I’m going to kick you out. The logic is that I can do without trending, I can just muddle my way through. But you can’t trick me. Okay? Don’t trick me. I don’t need to be popular, but I need you not to trick me.

C: Ning-ge, release a few more copies of your album, otherwise I’m afraid I won’t be able to get one. LYN: I don’t have any plans to make a physical one right now. My plan is to make a vinyl later, though like I did for my previous album. Just listening though, there’s no way you’ll need to pay- it’s going to be free. I made a promise to you before, that you would always get to listen to my music for free. My album will be free, so all you have to do is listen to it. If I do end up releasing a vinyl later, you can go buy that. But honestly, I’m not counting on it to make a profit. I don’t need it to. I haven’t reached that point. Otherwise- nevermind. I’m just not relying on these things to make money, is all. C: Can you not release a limited number of vinyls? LYN: We’ll see. It’s- if it’s not a limited number, then we have to predict how many to make in the first place. It’s actually not that much different from having a limit. 

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C: Lao-da, why won’t you talk to us at the airport? LYN: I did, didn’t I? “Move to the side.” (x3) /laughs/ Didn’t I tell you to move to the sides? I’m kidding! I was saying, “Don’t squeeze. Okay, I know. Don’t squeeze!!” I did talk to you! Wasn’t I very sincere? I was saying it from the heart: “Please, don’t squeeze.” How many other artists can talk to you sincerely like that, using their heart to tell you the truth? How many can do that? I can. I said, “Don’t squeeze anymore. D:” It was truly words from the heart. No airs- just a shout from my soul. “Stop squeezing!”

LYN: Because right now I’m spending most of my time in the drama crew. If I wrap up the day at 12a, and I have to go attend some even the next day, I still have to wake up early. I have to get into hair and makeup early, and shoot a day of scenes. It’s a lot different from how you would go about a company job. I shouldn’t say that. That’s just how /I/ work. If I am shooting some scenes tomorrow, then I have to do some homework the night before. I’ll go early to get my hair and makeup done, then start filming. You need to be focused on the drama during this part. After that, I turn in to wash up and then head for the airport. Why do I always use the VIP route when I fly places? It’s not because I have money or that I’m trying to show off. It’s that I really want to use that time to take a nap. Because as soon as I’m off the plane I need to go to rehearsals. I’ll wake up and start makeup at 12p the next day- very early. Because we need to snap the promo photos that you see my studio post. I’ll wake up two hours earlier to get get made up and shoot those photos so that they’re ready before the event. Later in the evening, it’s time for me to perform. Most of the time as soon as I’m done, I catch a flight back to Hengdian and it’ll land around 2-3 in the morning. I’ll be working again the next day.

LYN: I’m not saying this to tell you that I’m tired. I’m not afraid of being tired. I AM afraid of not being in the best condition I could be, and going to shoot my drama. This face of mine has to face the camera, and it was ugly enough to begin with. I’m already just average-looking. If I wake up the next day looking haggard and messing up my lines, then that would agonize me. (He doesn’t want to delay the filming because of his personal reasons.) LYN: That’s why I want to get a good rest on the road. I’ll sleep on the car, get to the airport drowsy, take a nap on the plane, then get off my flight and be ready to go to rehearsal. I’m giving myself a period of rest.

----- Break #1 LYN: I’m back. They (the neighbors) weren’t fighting. They were watching TXJ. - /thanking all the fans who make content for him: video edits, fanart, etc./ LYN: There are people who draw for me- I won’t comment on whether they draw well or not- it’s all good to me, because I can’t draw. But there are some people who are constantly making content. For example, right now. I’m streaming now but by the time I’ve finished they will have posted a drawing of me already. It doesn’t matter if it’s cartoon, sketch, manhua, or whatever style. Most of the time when I’m streaming, by the time I’m done that art is already posted. It’s nice. I just think that every drawing is- - /sets up his bgm > ​내 마음 들리나요 (Can you Hear My Heart)/ LYN: - is full of love. Every video is full of interest ans respect. So right now I’d like to thank every good friend who creates content for me. You’ve worked hard. LYN: What is this? When someone is willing to put in so much effort for you- what is that called? I think this feeling can only be described in two words: team spirit. 

C: Are you logging off now? LYN: You wish. On a night when I appear like this, how could I so easily let you go to sleep? Stay up!

C: Xiao Ning, being loved by so many people, you must move forward carrying a heavy burden. LYN: I suddenly realize that I have a long way to go in my future. I’m carrying so many people’s hopes… and disappointments. So I do not feel like I am alone. Right now, it’s possible that I am carrying many of my fans, or those of you who are watching whose wish was to become a celebrity’s dreams. Right now I represent all the hopes for the future you had when you were young. And I will continue to carry that heavy burden and move forward. C: I’m on the heavier side. LYN: And you still have the nerve to say so? That’s why it’s called “负重前行” (fu zhong qian xing), because I have to “扶” (fu = support) you in walking forward. C: Ning-ge, I am a 100+ kg soul. LYN: Your soul alone is 100+ kg? And what about your physical body? It’s okay. A girl like you is... stable.

C: When did you start? LYN: The stream? Around 9p. It’s been about an hour and a half now, let me look at my timer. I’ve been streaming for 1h, 43m. What’s wrong- you missed it, didn’t you? :) That’s why. If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I don’t always announce when I’m going to stream. Sometimes I do it when I wrap up work early. After today though… it’s probably going to be a while before I stream next. Because as of now I still owe: 5 OSTs and the supplemental voiceover for Cicada Girls. If I finish work early in the next weeks, that will be the work I have to make up for.

LYN: I forgot something earlier- That’s right. You are now listening to the drama Follow Your Heart (YXJ) OST opening theme song, called 心悠悠 (Longing Heart). Oh- excuse me- I misspoke! It’s not the opening theme- it’s the interlude! Sorry. Let me say that again. - /repeats himself, but correctly/ -- 心悠悠 (Longing Heart) - Follow Your Heart OST - /singing along, but not syncing up/ LYN: Friends, it’s like this- it’s not that I am unfamiliar with the song, but that in the recent year, this is the most mysterious OST I’ve sung. The three chorus verses are all different. I can’t remember which melody comes first. If there are detailed friends tuning in, you can focus on that- the three choruses are all different. So I’m a little confused. Let me re-familiarize myself.

C: Stop swaying. I’m dizzy. C: You’re singing this song with a strong sense of thievery. (KSTLB2 reference, bc he was rubbing his hands together) LYN: Friends- let me explain the “dizzy” thing later. First, if you don’t have any drama to watch lately you can check this one out. It’s called Follow Your Heart and there are some friends of mine in it. Including LYX-laoshi, who I’ve worked with (sung OSTs for his dramas) a few times already. The drama is pretty interesting; I’ve watched a bit. Wang Chengsi (ZY, SJYM) has also cameo-d in a couple episodes. I thought it was quite a good watch. So if you have some time you can go watch this new drama, okay? Please support it. LYN: Now let me tell you why you might have been a bit dizzy earlier. Some people just have that disposition- like carsickness. Some girls might have a weaker disposition, and when they’re on the subway or if they see something that is shaking too much they can get a sense of vertigo. But let me teach you what to do when I’m singing. - C: Once I get carsick, I’m vomiting enough to fill the car. LYN: … How much you vomit doesn’t have to do with being dizzy, but with how much you’ve eaten. If you don’t eat for a day, I’m sure you won’t have enough vomit to fill the car. It’d just be a puddle, probably. You must have eaten too much and thrown up as a result. That’s not to do with carsickness. Just eat less and you won’t vomit enough to fill the car. Maybe just half the car. Also, I don’t think you’re throwing up at just the slightest jiggle or sway of the car, right? Just eat a little less. LYN: Are you that friend from earlier who had a soul that was 100+ kg? - LYN: Anyway, what I wanted to say was- I’ll sing another song in a bit to let you test it- but sway along! If you don’t trust me, then try. Hold your phone and sway as you watch. You won’t be dizzy. If you don’t trust me then just try it. You have to follow my rhythm and sway with me. Then you won’t feel sick. Okay? And now I will sing. Let me see which song will make you move.

- /vocal fry/ LYN: Suddenly, a vocal fry register. (气泡音 - qìpào yīn) * [Vocal fry is the lowest register (tone) of your voice characterized by its deep, creaky, breathy sound] LYN: What do you mean~ I should sing a song now~ How about~~~ LYN: /laughs/ I saw a comment once that read, “What’s so good about LYN’s streams? One time I happened to click in and found he was speaking with the vocal fry register. How greasy!” LYN: Don’t you think… How could this be greasy? Don’t you think- it sounds very nice?

LYN: Someone wants to hear “一个人的北京.” I won’t be singing that. What should I sing… how about… I haven’t actually found one. C: 传承 (Inheritance) LYN: I’m really just afraid of cracking, because I know I’m not in the best condition. I don’t want it to influence any future work. I still have five OSTs I haven’t recorded yet. What if a producer or director is watching my stream and they watch me crack while singing a song and then think, “We don’t need LYN anymore.” “We don’t want you to sing this song anymore. If there’s a chance to work together next time, we’ll talk.” It might influence my future development and income. 

LYN: There’s a song called… what’s “等风来”? Oh, the song is called “天空之外” (Beyond the Sky), right? I heard this song recently, and I quite liked it. // Is there an arrangement for the male key? No? -- 天空之外 (Beyond the Sky) - Gank Your Heart OST LYN: Songs are so hard to find! Why is it so complicated. Hold on, let me check my “arrangement warehouse.” 

LYN: Oh, this I haven’t sung in a long time! -- 乞丐 (Beggar) LYN: Hold on- it’s been a long time since I last sang this and I’ve forgotten how. Sorry. I always sing this at my concert, though. C: It lagged. LYN: It didn’t lag, the mic broke. There was a small problem with it. It’s okay. // It’s not broken. // Oh, you lagged? What a coincidence. The microphone forgot the lyrics, lol.

LYN: Oh, 熬夜 (Stay Up All Night)... I will sing this song for everyone tuning in, and you who are currently staying up tonight. - /missed the timing to start singing/ LYN: What do you think? You, who are currently staying up at night- this song 熬夜 is for you. Let’s stay up together. I don’t know how the sound equipment is working tonight, but let’s just sing. If you start to feel dizzy, remember to sway with me. -- 熬夜 (Stay Up All Night) LYN: That’s about enough. I don’t have any strength left. Thank you. LYN: I’ll open another bottle of water. It feels a bit hoarse. Excuse me, sorry. 

-----

bgm: 莫问前程 (Don’t Ask About the Future) - White Cat Legend OST LYN: I won’t sing anymore, let’s just chat. I don’t have enough strength left.

C: Ning-ge, why hasn’t Daimi been to work for four days? LYN: She’s been in Hangzhou for a few days. We’re had her get a check-up, because she hasn’t been feeling well lately. But we found out it was nothing big, so she came back. Today she was at work on time.

C: Is she pregnant? LYN: No!

LYN: /to Daimi/ Daimi! Come here. Your fans want to see you. LYN: ?! You stepped on my headphones, hey! [t/n: OMG, I almost thought he said something… different. >.>] LYN: Hold on. Let me find some appropriate bgm for you. Alright? Wait a bit. bgm: Neon Sweetheart LYN: Okay. Say hello to all the brothers, sisters, uncles and aunties out there. They’ve been thinking of you the whole time.

C: Daimi plays with beads, too? LYN: No, I put it on her so she can play it for me. Because her oils and fur are suited for polishing them. Also, as an artist you have to have something special, right? You’ve seen dogs sit and dance, but have you ever seen a dog polishing beads? You haven’t right? So if we want to make some space for ourselves in this vast world, you have to be unique. I’m sure no one’s ever seen a dog polishing beads. So I’ve given her this image.

LYN: Look- she’s gotten so chubby. I’m just having her stand on my leg for a big, but she already can’t keep herself up. She’s panting. Listen- She’s so fat she can’t even sit!

LYN: I’m going to recite the spell now. Friends, you can observe how her modd changes. How- about- a sausage? C: There’s no reaction. LYN: No- can’t you see that she keeps licking her lips?? She’s already imagining what it will be like when she eats it. Let’s go. Hold on a sec while I get her one.

C: Ning-ge, I want to watch you feed her. LYN: My dog can’t do much else, but if you give her a whole sausage she can peel it herself. I don’t need to serve her. C: Show us. LYN: What, you even want a performance? Hold on, friends. - /shows off all the peels/ LYN: She ate all of those.

C: Ning-ge, are you sure you didn’t eat them? LYN: I… wouldn’t. Because this is a sausage for pets.

C: She didn’t peel it today? LYN: No- she’s over in her house. When she’s done eating it she’ll leave the peel there. That was probably two or three day’s worth. She eats 5-6 sticks in a day. LYN: Every morning she goes to the makeup room- she’s in a rush every morning. As soon as I wake up and start washing my face, she’s already waiting by the door. I’m washing my face, and she’s already waiting to go. She plans on just running out and onto the elevator as soon as I open the door. When we’re at the makeup room, the first thing my makeup artist does is give her a sausage. She won’t eat this first one, but hide it instead; because I have my own room. Then she’ll go to the bigger makeup room and do her rounds. She’ll come back with an egg and some bread. Then come back and eat them all together. That’s her breakfast. LYN: Most of the time she won’t eat that first sausage yet, and go fishing for bread. Sometimes there’s an egg, and she’ll eat that on the spot. If there’s no egg, she’ll bring some bread back. Then she’ll eat them together.

-----

- /smacks a mosquito and shows it off/

C: Ning-ge, the Shanghai subgroup of fans is meeting, will you come? LYN: I won’t be attending, thanks. You eat and play amongst yourselves. I know a lot of locations are gathering for a group dinner. It’s quite fun and happy to be together. I won’t be going because I don’t want to have to pay for the meal. If I had the money, I could just buy something to eat at home. But you all have fun. I won’t be going.  LYN: Jilin is also gathering, is that right? Dalian as well? Nice, have fun together. 

C: Ning-ge, if you come you’ll eat for free. LYN: For example, there’s a place where my fans are gathering and they’ve bought out a restaurant to hang out. If you invite me and I go, then that means I don’t have to pay for my share, is that it? Erm… I’m not someone who’s greedy to take advantage of such situations. The reason I’m not going is really because I don’t want to take advantage, not because I don’t want to go. I really do want to go, but I don’t want to take advantage. So I won’t be going.

C: Then come to foot the bill. LYN: I could. That’s no problem. You all know that Ning-ge is not stingy when it comes to these things. I treat my fans well. But I won’t be going. I don’t even want to go when it’s a free meal, let alone go when I have to pay the bill. What do you think I am? Many friends call me “Ning-bao” don’t they? Now you want me to go make payments- do you think I’m Alipay (zhifubao)? 

C Ning-ge, where’s your team spirit?? LYN: /laughs/ I could chat about “team spirit” with you on a normal basis but once it comes to fan-gatherings this “team spirit” disappears. Is that what you mean to say?? Are you provoking me? You’re calling me out?! LYN: This trick is called “moral kidnapping”. It’s okay- when it’s about treating fans to meals I’ve already given up on my morals.

C: You sure are stingy. LYN: This isn’t being stingy. This has nothing to do with money. It’s my life on the line. LOL, no. Let’s make an example: I go to any random fan-gathering, let’s say Beijing. They say, “Ning-ge, we’re having a fan-gathering!” and I go, “You’re meeting up? Okay- the bill’s on me. Ning-ge will treat you.” At this time, Shenyang’s group is calling it quits. “What’s the meaning of this, Ning-ge? Fans in Beijing are fans, but us in Shenyang aren’t?” So I say, “Okay. Liu-gongzi will pay the tab in Shenyang.“ After that, the Dandong fans are calling it quits. If it continues on like that, it would be fairer for everyone if I don’t pay for anyone. You all can pick up your own tabs. 

LYN: Sometimes it’s hard to be fair, but I’m trying hard to keep it even. One time I wanted to do something fun for my stream- I was thinking I could connect with fans. Because I needed content, but also because I thought I had the ability to communicate. Even if the person I connected with happened to be an antifan. If I randomly pick a user today to connect with, and they end up being an antifan. If they come in cursing, then I would kick them out immediately. But if they came in wanting to debate, I have the confidence I would be able the go for half an hour (or longer) and ultimately turn them into my fan. I’m confident I can do that. LYN: The problem is that I’ve thought about connecting with fans, but then you all complain and tell me not to. Why? Because I’m connecting with someone that’s not you. Now they’re unhappy. For example, I’ll connect with Fan A, and now Fan B is upset. “Lao-da, I’m telling you. I bought four cases of yogurt because of you. What? Is that not enough to be a fan?” Fan C didn’t get to connect either, so they say, “Yeah, Lao-da. I bought a Pomellato necklace. What is this, favoritism? Okay. I won’t be buying any more.” There’s this sense of rebellion, so I want to be fair: I won’t connect with anyone. If there comes a day when this sense of revolt can lessen, then I would select a few lucky guests and chat with them during my streams. LYN: We can chat about anything like if you need life advice, or if you have any opinions/suggestions that I should take, or your thoughts. We really can talk about it. It could be fun!

LYN: I think even with streaming or- if you are an artist- not yet a celebrity, but at least someone in this industry: singer, actor, it doesn’t matter- I always think that you should always love what you do. I even remade my streaming room- the next time I stream, if it’s all set up, you’ll see how serious I am about streaming. There’ll be new room. But I want to make the content fun as well. So I think of connecting because interaction is the charm of livestreaming. I think I can do it. C: I want to interact. LYN: See? There’s someone who’s posted that they want to interact. At this time, they are very excited to be chosen to interact with. But if I don’t choose them, do you think that they would be extremely disappointed? Would they be sad? Because of this, would they stop being my fan and start destroying me instead? In the entertainment circle there’s a methodology: it doesn’t matter which artist, if they start doing well the fans wil stop being fans and start tearing you down instead. Let me tell you, there is not one artist in this circle who isn’t afraid of this happening to them. It doesn’t matter how big of a celebrity you are, or whether you’re an actor or singer. Everyone is afraid of this technique. 

LYN: Let’s not talk about anyone else but use myself as an example. When I am shooting a drama, there are people taking sneaky pictures of me and selling them online. Let’s say they’re sold at 10rmb per photo, and someone spends 100rmb to buy ten photos. Let’s say it’s 2024.06.28- and they like LYN. When they’re looking at the photos it’s under the filter of beng a fan. They can PS or use some filter to make the photos look nice and pretty. White and shining. Young and handsome. They post those edited photos online or onto some short video platform. Okay. LYN: Let’s say on 06.29- or- today, I am looking for five fans to connect with on my stream, and I do not end up choosing the girl who bought ten photos of me. She gets angry. “I want to connect with LYN, because I have so much I want to say to him!” Of the five fans I choose, I don’t choose her. Tomorrow, on 06.29, there will be 10 raw (unedited) photos released. Maybe super unedited. She’ll put the edited and unedited photos next to each other and post, “This is the LYN you all know.” It’s not worth it. C: The unedited photos also look good! LYN: That’s why I’m saying, you have the fan-goggles on. Let me tell you something- in this industry there is not one artist who doesn’t have ugly photos. Name one. Let’s say you have a name in your head, and you’re thinking, “This person is so good-looking!” then you search this person’s name with “___ ugly photo” at the end. See what the results are. You don’t need to type people’s names into my chat! Just think of a name and search it yourself. There’s not one person who doesn’t have them. That’s why when fans tell me that they think I’m handsome I want to reply that it’s because of the fan-goggles. I’m not handsome. I’m afraid, too. So let’s not connect next time. 

LYN: I hope, though, that those of you who are watching my stream right now- most of you, about 80% are my fans. 80% of you are my fans, so starting today could we swear a sacred oath (歃血为盟 - smear the lips with blood when taking an oath)? If one day you stop being my fan, could you not destroy me on your way out? Can you promise me that? Let’s sign an agreement today June 28, 2024, that one day if you stop being my fan you won’t step on me on the way out. Can you do that? You can leave, but not at my expense. Can you? LYN: I have blood on my hand- it’s mosquito blood. The scared oath. I’ve got the blood. LYN: That’s the first thing, not to step on me on your way out. The second is, many of you probably go online to buy leaked photos. If one day you stop being my fan, could you format your storage disk? Format your storage disk for me. Can you do it? Promise me. Thank you. You can do it. LYN: It’s a gentleman’s agreement.

C: Ning-ge, where can I buy leaked news and photos? LYN: The fact that you’re even asking me this question now means that you should never go to buy them. I see you typing those words from through the monitor and can see your innocent eyes! If you go outside, you’re likely to get scammed by others!! Don’t go online trying to buy these things and end up getting scammed! I can tell how innocent you are from the fact that you’ve typed that questions. Your eyes still shine with light and you can see the word “INNOCENT” in them. Don’t even think about it. If you’re scrolling your phone and come across what others have bought and posted, you can look. But don’t even think about purchasing them for yourself. You don’t need to spend your own money for it. There’s no need.

C: Ning-ge, if I had bad photos of you I wouldn’t erase them. I’ll sell them to you. LYN: That’s a little bit illegal. Are you a criminal? Are you blackmailing me?? “Ning-ge, I have a BUNCH of ugly photos of you. Send me 200rmb immediately or I’ll post them all online.”

C: Ning-ge, will you still stream in ten years? LYN: I don’t think I would still be acting in ten years, but I’m sure that in ten years I will still be streaming. Whether as an actor or a singer, there will always come the possibility that you will be struck out or replaced over time. But streaming is something that I personally want to do. It is not influenced by outside factors. As long as you give me a platform, as long as Weibo allows me to stream, I will keep streaming. That’s all there is to it. I only need a platform and I will stream willingly. But for acting, it’s other people who find me to act- it’s passive. 

C: Do a few magazine shoots. LYN: Magazines… I don’t have the time to do them. I also think… I’m too ugly and I’m not worthy to be in magazines. [t/n: He’s also said before that he doesn’t want people to pay for something like a MAGAZINE, just because he’s in it. He wants people to spend money on things that can be of use.]

C: Do you want to be Weibo Livestream King for 10 consecutive years?? LYN: Livestream King is a great honor to me. I’ll try hard to make it happen. I’ll do my best. C: Start a live-streaming industry. LYN: No, I should just do my own stream well. I can’t be involved in any sort of industry.

C: Ning-ge, in ten years become a streaming-type yxh. LYN: …? For what?? I already said that when I was 60- was it 60 or 70? I forgot.- that I would share everything I’ve encountered in this entertainment industry with you. LYN: Was it 60? Then when I’m 60.

C: Lao-da, could I take your raw photos and trade them for an autographed one? LYN: … LYN: “Ning-ge, in this card I have 10 unedited photos of you. Could I trade them for a personalized autographed photo? Okay? I hope that you can write: “___ is the most beautiful.”” LYN: The way they’ve done this has avoided punishment under law. Because it’s true that they’re not doing it for profit or anything, not that I understand it very much. That is- I don’t think it’s worth suing you over… But this underhanded tactic does make me a little uncomfortable. LYN: But let me tell you- everyone’s words can create an image of your face. Through the words you’ve typed, I can imagine your face and the tone of your voice. For example, for the person earlier I’ve already described their face: two big round eyes, full of clarity. “Ning-ge, where can I buy leaked news and photos?” They were like that- I’m sure they’re as I imitated just now. Now this person, I’m sure, looks like this: “Xiao Ning-ah.. If I were to have your unedited photos and I wanted to exchange them for a personalized autograph… Can I?” They must be like that! Cunning and wicked. Friends, I’m sure they’re like that. How terrifying! LYN: The friend who asked this question, you can go look in the mirror. Tell me I didn’t look just like you.

C: Ning-ge, you’re on my glasses case and my teacher saw it. Should I cower? LYN: Through this comment, this friend has already got me figuring out what they look like and how they speak. /repeats the question/ You must look like this- /puts on a pair of round frames and makes himself a little… nerdy looking and innocent, I guess/. Go look in the mirror, do you look like this? It’s… innocent, but sincere. Sincere, but also a little cute and naive. That’s you. Go look in the mirror.

C: Ning-ge, why don’t you go on Call Me by Fire? LYN: /laughs/ CMBF is… is that the sisters or the brothers? The brothers, right? The thing is, a while ago Yizhe was (going to be) on it. I think he was on it. That’s what I heard- or rather, he had sent me a message. If I call him Yizhe, you might not know- it’s Qian Zhao (YNGS). If I am NYZ, he is QZ. You get it if I put it that way, right? So, QZ went to attend CMBF, I think. He wanted me to record a short video for him, to cheer him on. I asked him, “What am I supposed to say?” and he said, “Just cheer me on. We’re friends, right? So you can say, “I heard WYZ is going to be on this show, and I hope he gets a good ranking.” It’s just like supporting you for the gaokao. LYN: But I was thinking- If I’m going to record a message for him, I want to be different from the others. I need to record something like, “Hello, everyone. I am Liu Yuning. In CMBF, I hope my good friend Yizhe can show off his charms, get a good ranking, and debut in the final group!” That’s standard, right? But I wanted to be different. I wanted to record something that would make people remember WYZ and remember LYN. Maybe even hate me. Because I also have a good friend called Fang Yilun- that is, Yu Shisan (YNGS). I’m saying it this way so you can better put a face to the name. YSS. He was on CMBF last year (actually, 2022), but he only went for one round. (一轮 - yī lún). So… his name was not very auspicious. Fang Yilun, who was only on the show for one round (yī lún). I was thinking of recording one for WYZ, “Hello, everyone. I am Liu Yuning. I’m YZ’s friend and heard he would be attending CMBF. We have a good friend in common, FYL, but he came back after the first round. Therefore, since your name is Wang Yizhe, you- might only be there for one part.” But I was thinking about it and came to the conclusion that wasn’t quite appropriate. One’s Yilun and the other’s Yizhe… that’s not good! So later I thought this joke wouldn’t fly. My friends would have a falling out! So then I just recorded a standard one for him. LYN: I just shouldn’t have thought in that direction in the first place. I don’t know how the competition is going, and I don’t dare to ask him. Of course, I don’t mean to belittle him! When I was on Singer 2019, I came back after one round too, didn’t I. That’s why I’m called… Liu Yining (一宁). I went and very obediently, very serenely (宁静) came back. I went, kept introducing myself- “I am Liu Yining” and came back. Only one round. It’s the same. We’re all the same. Our names just aren’t auspicious. We aren’t suited for competitions.

LYN: Alright friends, it’s about time. I hope you had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let’s meet again in the next stream! If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. I hope we can meet again in the next stream. LYN: I’ll go wash up quickly and review my scenes for tomorrow. Goodnight, everyone!

[coffeegnomee]

Training my brain to learn that caring about something does not mean someone will die and it will all be lost.

Cw - death, OCD, mcyt death, dsmp and lifesteal, triggers

This is, obviously, something super personal. But sharing about it is what scares me, so I’m going to do it anyway and prove to my brain that it’s okay to care.

If you end up reading it, know you just read my heart. I hope it helps you process whatever you’re dealing with <3. 

I looked up OCD tonight because my brain constantly cycles through the same thoughts and worries about Lifesteal like Non Stop. Like I know I’m ADHD but this isn’t just a fixation on this server, but like debilitating spirals of thought. And all focused around analyzing if it’s all going to fall apart or not. 

They say ocd is a “limbic system impairment that occurs when someone experiences a traumatic physical or emotional event while their chronic stress load is already high.”

And that freaking resonated. They say exposure therapy can rewire the brain so let’s go explore what’s the event that’s keeping me spiraling.

My chronic stress load was extremely high that summer two years ago. And then Technoblade died. The longer it’s been the more I really sit with the fact that that was traumatic.

On top of the stress personally, now my favorite YouTuber, my comfort character on dsmp, the freaking anchor of that server, was just gone. Gone.

Dreamsmp came in a time of some pretty heavy depression. Obviously the pandemic was still occurring so that’s a chronic stress load itself (I found it January 16th 2021, so like, three days before the disc finale, but almost a year into covid) and watching through all the streams I was able to completely escape.

For the first time in months I was laughing. Like deep belly laughs. Full body. Actual joy. The neural rewiring my brain those first months was insane. It was pure serotonin.

I became motivated to work again, having something fun in the background. I looked forward to cherishing the lore, keeping those streams to the side for the evenings when I could really immerse myself into the story.

There’s a two-fold trigger that sends me into a spiral around loosing the thing that makes me happy. Unfortunately at the time, the things causing the chronic stress in my life stemmed from the things that used to bring me fulfillment and joy and purpose. They were being taken away, by my own choice, and from my health (more on that later).

So in the void of having my real-life anchors to bring fulfillment, dreamsmp was the thing keeping this whole body going. Truly a hanging on by a thread moment.

But even then, it’s not just about "loosing the thing that makes me happy" that causes these obsessive thoughts.

It’s the irrational connection that because the lore changed and the dynamic of the server stalled, that THAT therefore somehow that lead to Techno dying. (yes. An irrational and non related thought. I just realized with writing that that I have truly merged both those events so closely that when the first happens, I cannot let go of the idea of the second. I’m sitting here expecting someone to irl die.)

Huh. That’s interesting. 

It’s like, I read this from some random instagram post years ago. This woman’s husband died on a sunny day and then years later sunny days fill her with dread as if the weather was signaling that she would come home to the death of a loved on.

That’s what’s going on in my noggin.

Because it’s Quackity’s lore that changed the fabric of the dreamsmp. It didn’t have to, but it did. It came at the perfect storm when everyone was super burnt out and needed to run away from the insanity of both the fans and the haters and the sudden massive fame. 

He decided to do pre-recorded movies. On my live-stream smp. The very fabric of lore was changed. 

And because of the larger production, it took longer, and the other members of the server seemed to not know where to take their personal lore; everyone was waiting for that damn casino to open. And since all the lore ended up happening in pre-recordings we never again experienced that magic of live stream entertainment and improv and dumb bits. Everything was sanitized. For their own sanity, sure. But at the expense of the survival of the server. (Also Techno wasn’t available because of the chemo, so truly nothing was happening on any end of the server)

That perfect storm, loosing interest in the server and the lore being fundamentally changed, set the stage for the traumatic moment of loosing a member. That's my two-fold trigger.

And his death sealed the deal. I’ve never held it against them for not wanting to continue after. Season 2 was impossible the moment that happened. 

My chronic stress had exploded so far that my thyroid was fucked and I’m diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, an autoimmune disease that keeps me fatigued more often than not. Besides that, my other main chronic stress was a realization that the Future I had always expected myself to take, the Plan that I had set out, I was suddenly extremely Not Sure I wanted to do anymore. 

But I had confidently told my friends and family for over 8 years that this is what I wanted (all this during college and after. I was already 26 at this time) (yes I’m old) (yes life is still crazy when you’re old) (but you start understanding yourself better). It was in this understanding of myself that I realized my direction needed to change.

Suddenly my whole identity I had built for myself was swept out from under me. 

At that. same. dang. time. That same week. That’s when the news broke. Literally broke me to pieces. 

And I hadn’t told anyone I was obsessed with Minecraft lore. Like bro. I’m out of college for a few years. Get a life. (But man. My eyes just light up when I think about this method of story telling. It’s just goated)

My mom sort of knew. She didn’t understand but at least I could tell her someone died and she had some sort of connection that I had been following this kid for over a year now. 

But no one else. The sorrow and pain of loss is just so much worse when you can’t explain why you cared about someone so much. It’s not like my parent died. Or sibling. It was a kid I had never met in person but I resonated with so much. 

And I remember distinctly thinking “It’s not worth not sharing the things you care about with other people”. Burned into my brain that day.

But time heals all wounds. Until something triggers it. 

I spent the next year just following Foolish, that ray of sunshine who was involved enough to have become my comfort streamer, but not too involved that it was painful to watch because of the memories.

It was a crazy fun year. Best comfort streamer. But people change, I change, and I missed Minecraft lore. You can only watch so much valorant before it’s just the same game.

Foolish found out he was on QSMP (I think it actually was before, I think he knew about the server before it was announced) and he started looking at Minecraft content and Minecraft builds again. For the first time in over a year. It was such a random day. 

But we watched Sandiction and… Rekrap2. 

Both of them stole my heart and I went, maybe it’s time to return to mcyt. See what’s been brewing.

And before I knew it I was on a month-long binge of Lifesteal content and just so absolutely lost as to what order everything came out in or what season everything was from. Shoutout them being allergic to click baiting “Lifesteal” or adding season tags to the description. It’s such a mess on Youtube lol.

Soon enough I found Baconnwaffles1. Not 0. 1. Somehow found his second channel first.

The videos caught my eye. I knew they were streams and I was trying to find the vods, but as you know Bacon doesn’t have a vods channel and his streams delete after 14 days. 

But then finally the fated video crossed my path: “This is PrinceZam and he just betrayed his teammates”

Oh my goddess what in the world is going on in this server. 

I needed to know. 

So began the true binge. Found Zam’s vods, watched season 4. And I discovered something amazing.

I have genuinely never resonated more with a character than I resonated with Zam season 4.

Every internal debate of Zam resonated with my own dilemmas. People pleasing and understanding what you value came to a head, and only one could win. But truly your values are the only real option because every moment of people pleasing will rub against your soul like hot coals. 

Remember those chronic stressors? The life I didn’t know if I wanted anymore?

As Zam walked between conversations with friends, teammates, and enemies, I recognized similar conversations in my life. 

I could describe the situation one way, and the person would agree and give advice. But then I realized I could describe the situation in a different light and then maybe they wouldn’t agree anymore. So I didn’t know what advice to take.

And then chat was so funny. The day before the wormhole they started giving too many opinions, the same opinions they had been giving for weeks, and in a flash I was like, omg he’s going to spiral again guys why are you like this. 

And then he was like, OMG chat, YOU’RE the problem! There’s too many of you and I’m trying to make everyone happy.

If I tell you I jumped up, screamed, giggled, and floundered around like a crazy person it wouldn’t even come close to what happened. I was so proud of Zam for realizing his emotions were being swayed by the barest opposition. From that third person point of view, I could so clearly see what was going wrong and I was cheering him on to realizing what he truly wanted.

I did, and still do, see so many of the decision making problems that Zam has, within myself. As a piece of media, and him being a character, it’s the craziest most relatable story I have ever seen. I’ve never resonated with a character more. 

Then we reached season 5. 

The first season I truly watched as it came out. I had gotten too obsessed with this Minecraft world. I wanted more. I loved these kids and their storytelling. 

But it was the first season when people started leaving the server on good terms.

Oh no. This sounds too familiar. People are loosing interest in the server I love. What’s next, a change in the fabric of how lore is created? 

Then there was a change in the fabric of how the lore was created.

We saw the new members approach the server with a recording-mindset. Who weaponized the lore against the old server members. Pretending they cared about the yapping but then revealing that in itself was a complete and total lie used to get you into the perfect position to either spoil the whole riddle or shoot you with an arrow canon.

And then. Not. Care. At. All. Zero remorse.

I don’t know why the betrayals by Jumper hurt so badly. But it hurt. A lot. (I was triggered that’s why) My emotional reaction was out of proportion to reality.

It’s not like it wasn’t a Lifesteal move, people had gotten into position to betray in the past, and would continue to do so in the future with Leo and Clown betraying Minute. 

But it was that “I have no remorse over the hours we spent as a team, not a single thread of care to you or to the yapping lore of this server”. It’s one thing to be betrayed by an enemy. Quite another to be betrayed by a friend.

So here I began. Triggered by something that wasn’t world ending. Quackity’s take on lore didn’t kill the server. Neither did Jumper’s. It was probably going to be fine.

But like. My brain is not agreeing. So I’m pushing back on it. 

Here’s what I’m finding.

This is a fun tidbit - when Mapic said “streams are delayed” when he was in the hospital before the finale I could not convince myself that he didn’t had cancer and wasn’t going to die. Bro. Tell me you’re triggered without telling me you’re triggered. (In case you didn’t see, it was just a concussion)

I’m so hyper aware of everything that could indicate I’m going to loose someone I care about again.

The pattern recognition is going out of control. 

And I keep trying to calm my brain down and catalogue all the reasons I know and believe Lifesteal will be perfectly fine for probably a while. Like how they have meetings all the time to discuss what went down on the server. They’re talking all the time to work out interpersonal problems and lore problems so that everyone is happy and feels heard. And they’re watching movies together. Meeting up and strengthening relationships. Changing admins as necessary. 

And I say it again. 

And again. 

And again. 

Every time something throws the smallest pebble at stability I walk my brain back through all the indicators that everything will be fine. 

Jumper:

Jumper loves being on the server. She’s said it. She’s so excited about it. She did have a plan. She didn’t tell us the plan as it went, but she does stream. She’s getting comfortable with the idea of streaming, she’ll learn to trust chat over time. She’ll learn how to loose gracefully on this server at some point. Probably. hopefully. And since I don’t know when that will be I’ll just have to wait until season 6 and see what happens. It’s out of my control. She’s fine. It’ll be fine. 

Pentar:

Pentar is fine. He doesn’t understand why chat would tell him he’s the most likely to betray even though every video he betrays. Why is he doing that that’s so weird. But he’s a great teammate and everyone likes having him around. I don’t like how he laughs at Zam, but like I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he just doesn’t take anything seriously and laughs in the face of anything serious. I’ll have to wait and see until next time to see how I feel about what he does on the server. Real life can’t be repeated over and over so just let it go. It’ll be fine.

Minute:

Minute is just so happy to be in Lifesteal. He loves it so much. You can tell by how he speaks every time there’s a group moment. He’s going to be admin next season. He loves this server. He may be overly attached to the Rules and have black and white thinking and he sometimes wields that for his own gain and I hate when he does that can he just have fun and take things less seriously? But I think he’ll get it. He’s competent. And he loves the server. He wouldn’t destroy it even on accident because someone would call him out before that happens. It’s going to be fine. 

Ash: 

Ash can be mean and also not care about the good that our side is doing and just wave them away saying they’re just evil. He does’t get it. But also he’s quite the actor. He puts on a lore face when he logs on, you can see it in season 4 with the wormhole. You can see it when he logs on for the justice league returns and he’s so committed to being good and fighting evil and as Zam is killing Mid in the background and he’s all shocked as if he was not the one who goaded Zam into killing her moments before. It’s a character. Even when it feels like it shouldn’t be. He does take random events in stride, pulling up the meditation guidance video when they all got killed. He’s stressed out by it, but also takes it with some levity. He’ll be fine. He just chose a questionable character to act this season and didn’t know how to balance his position as admin separate from his need to win. But he’ll be fine.

Can you see how this is exhausting? This is my brain on the daily. 

Every day I find myself working through each person one after another as something small comes up to threaten the balance, or reinforce the good.

This is when I noticed this wasn’t simple excitement about the lore, thinking and guessing about what might happen.  It was the same thoughts over and over and over. And I couldn’t stop a line of thought until I mentioned all the things. That’s what made me look up ocd. 

But back to it, I’m actually so much more okay with Ash because it’s been a couple seasons with him. I’m starting to see his tells. So I can just let the rough parts slide away. 

And that’s really what I just have to accept. That I can’t self soothe my way into being okay. Resisting acknowledging what I’m afraid of is just making me spiral more. 

We’ve seen people choose to leave after stressful seasons. We know some people become aware that they aren’t cut out for Lifesteal. Or they just don’t want to be. Some of these members might decide that. And Lifesteal has continued despite members leaving. 

OMg can I please stop cataloging how it will be fine?

I have to sit with the reality and realize nothing bad DID happen, NOT that nothing bad MIGHT happen. 

(This is unironically so counterintuitive to my brain. What do you mean I have to just accept that nothing bad happened, what if something bad does happen!) (But that’s what anxiety looks like. That’s not a good)

How do you convince yourself that you can’t predict the future? Asking for a friend.

I think it goes back to caring. I don’t think I’m allowed to care about any of this. That it’s silly, or dumb, or immature. 

It was, in fact, in caring itself that the loss of Techno was so painful.

So I don’t allow myself to care. To get too invested. Any time I see that I’m caring I push up on the walls of my trenches and shove that shit out. Only analytical thoughts in here. Measurable, quote-filled analyses.

But caring does not therefore mean there will be a loss.

So. Okay. Pivot. What am I really afraid of? 

I’m afraid the server will end. That something will make Zam give up and leave. 

Wow. I thought that was going to be a long ass paragraph but it really is just that. I know I’ll stop watching lifesteal if Zam is gone. Unless someone new comes in that has his same spark and dedication. Unlikely. 

So that threat is the worst. 

And I’ve seen his interest wax and wane. I know he can disappear for a month. 

But I also know he can come back. And he’s been a lot more mature and healthy and confident in being the streamer of Lifesteal. In how much he loves the server. 

Which is where pb&j being such a threat to the fabric of how lore is done is so scary, because that changes Zam’s care. But then again. It really didn’t. He just pivots. 

One of the most healing things has been watching the old members leave and continue to make content. And seeing how they choose to make their exit. They honored the server and the time they were there, in Rek’s case uplifting Lifesteal.net, in Parrot’s in completely reediting all his footage into a cohesive story. 

And then they still make content together. All the members make content with each other outside of Lifesteal. (And those that left the internet forever, that was okay too)

So that’s nice. Some bad things came to pass, and they've shown their response to it. Also Zam taking a break didn’t change how the lore was created, so that wouldn’t be a trigger. 

The trigger from that fear would be if he did leave, my brain would go into high gear looking for who was going to die. And I would have a new post to write lol. 

The trigger that is still tilting me is that pb&j changed how the lore was made, and my brain went *danger* *danger* This is something that happened last time and you know how that turned out! Start looking for who is going to die!

And it stopped me from seeing how this is not the same situation. The pattern for a death that I think I’m seeing, is not a pattern. 

And sitting with how nothing DID go wrong, that fear did not come to pass, is exposure therapy.

Because nothing went catastrophically wrong with the season 5 finale. I just keep closing my eyes, sitting in the problematic lore, and not accepting what actually happened at the end of the season, and freaking out that disaster is coming.

So what happened?

Season 5, you tried to kill my server. 

But The server resisted. (Hahahah undertale reference!)

Clown came back. Ro came back. Branzy betrayed everyone for Clown. Bacon and Zam sat in vc the entire finale fight. Mapicc fought until he couldn’t.

Spepticle gave his account then fought for it back. Pangi gave his account. Spoke gave his account. Red did the blessings/curses as Zam wanted. 4C said he was glad to give Minute the presidency because he knew Minute wanted peace and he knew peace was not an option in Lifesteal. Actually the quietest of goats. Didn’t realize he thought that deeply about the server. 

And it meant so much that Clownpierce, who hasn’t been meaningfully involved since the season 3 finale, came back and fought for his server. He made Lifesteal season 2. It’s always been his domain and he fought for its soul.

That’s the season 5 finale. 

The Players fought for Lifesteal. The server resisted destruction. 

This chapter is closed. This season got it’s ending. And it’s “not like last time” like my brain keeps thinking. 

The season might have ended with a lot of unknowns for how it will affect season 6. Will these old members still care? Will pb&j be a menace still? 

But what happened was a moment where everyone came together to care about the server. And that means the anxiety was unfounded. If something happens like this again, I have an example where everything didn’t fall apart to counter my fear that it will. 

See you around!

If you actually read to the end you’re amazing. Hopefully this is something you can do in your life to help understand what is the cause of your pain and anxiety. I wasn’t going to post it initially, but working it out as a post I could theoretically show to other people helped make it way more real than trying to work it out in my head, talking to myself. I had to write it in such a way that someone else would understand. Even if I didn’t post it. 

I’ll probably have many more days of writing when I notice a new trigger. Exposure therapy isn’t a one and done. (I probably won’t post any of those.)

But my body feels so much more relaxed now. Something has shifted in my head as a result of writing this all down.

Good luck!