#I’m not really the most sociable person on the internet so I did not expect to interact with people during this tournament

[mint-termsandconditions]

MINT HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ROPE MF WINNING THE SC!!! AND HOW TWO WADDLE DEES DOMINATE THE BRACKETS LMAO 🎤

Flabbergasted.

BY ONE POINT TOO?!?!

LIKE WHO’S THE LAST GUY WHO VOTED IM CURIOUS?

Like if I’m being honest here, I expected Rope MF to get absolutely eaten alive when I tossed him into the tournament

The goal was to get a few laughs with Rope MF through his existence and propaganda and then probably be forgotten in the third round or something

NOT GO AND WIN THE ENTIRE SECOND CHANCE BRACKET

Like I’m so proud of my rope-loving son, freak, and other terms of endearment I can put in here.

————————————————————————

THE WADDLE WIN IS KINDA CRAZY!

Congrats to Starstuck Dee btw!!!

I’m going to refer to this post

But the fact the that Starstruck and Rope MF were the ones to represent the waddle dees is really funny to me

One of them got lost on their way to the tournament

and the other one probably didn't process the fact that he was in the tournament

It’s also very sweet that these two waddle dees who are seen as outcast

Somehow manage to find love and support in this fun little tournament

I have no good way to transition to this

but here’s a mini doodle for the two winners

[tekweela]

Leo in Shawn

Hi, so I first wanna say that this doesn’t necessarily apply to all Leo’s. You can be a Leo and not be like this at all. At the end of the day it’s just fun to look into :) This is unnecessarily long so I understand if you’re not gonna read it LMAO, but if you are; enjoy 💖💕💖❣️💓

Shawn is indeed a Leo and sometimes it shows.

One thing that Leo’s can’t stand is being accused of bad intentions. Something interesting I noticed about that in relation to Shawn is how he responds to people claiming his relationship is PR. Once he saw people saying it’s PR he suddenly started talking about her more (I’m sure people saying it’s weird he dodged questions about her was a trigger for him to start talking about her as well). And remember when he was filmed at the airport by paparazzi? Out of all the questions they threw at him he answered the question asking if his relationship is PR. “Definitely not a PR relationship” he said to shut people down. He knows PR isn’t considered a positive thing in stan culture. Shawn isn’t someone who particularly likes lying or pretending. With PR being considered as bad he doesn’t like being accused of doing it (even if it is PR he doesn’t want to be reminded of him doing it). So his natural response of course would be to say the opposite or do the most like posting personal stuff with Camila to make it look genuine.

Leo’s also tend to get hurt by not being acknowledged by their good intentions. We all know Shawn is a sensitive person, heck, he’s a songwriter I didn’t expect anything else. The hate definitely does affect him and he is definitely hurt/annoyed by people/the world acknowledging him through his relationship or faking a relationship and not through his art. He’s very sensitive to criticism and gossip.

Leo’s tend to appear confident but can also be very humble and self conscious. They usually blame themselves when something goes wrong. When him and Camila break up he’s gonna feel embarrassed and he will have regrets for making the relationship so public instead of private. He will blame himself for that. He will blame himself for involving Camila so much in his career and maybe even regret some of that too. I mean, a lot of firsts in his career were with her. First VMA, 21st birthday, first #1 on Billboard, first stadium show.... Important milestones in his career involve her and he’ll never be able to escape or change it.

Shawn’s moon is in Aquarius, which, among other things, means he most likely felt “different” growing up. Yes, he is sociable, has a lot of friends and is popular, but he still feels lonely at heart sometimes.

They don’t like to admit stuff, especially their bad personality traits like jealousy, possessiveness, fear or their wrong. Especially when it comes to wanting to stand “above” what they call “pettiness”. Sometimes they end up looking petty themselves. Like Shawn when he acts like he doesn’t care for hate but then posts a throat licking video to proof he doesn’t care. He doesn’t wanna admit or show that the people do affect him, so what does he do? Try to come over as if he laughs at the hate, even though I know damn well he cries himself to sleep at night. Eventually when this goes too far Leo’s can get emotionally blocked, distant and detached. A lot of fans have been getting this vibe from him lately.

One major personality trait in Leo is pride. Shawn maybe doesn’t always show it very obviously but he’s a person who carries pride. PR or not, he definitely does feel some kind of pride in walking down the street with his “successful” singer-songwriting girlfriend while getting photographed knowing it’ll be all over the internet soon. He sometimes loves to show it off and rub it in people’s faces. I’m also 100% sure he felt like a real bad bitch when he walked the MET Gala red carpet with Hailey. He felt immense pride walking the carpet with a hot model. Pride can also come back in not wanting to admit he was wrong.

His Venus is in Cancer, that’s mainly about his emotions among other things. He’s afraid people are gonna leaving him and he fears rejection. Especially in relationships. Hailey leaving him for Justin did leave a mark. Leo’s tend to hold onto people and situations for a very long time. I’m 100% positive it took him a while to get over Hailey and her situation. In an interview he revealed he definitely would’ve dated her but now he’s too late. Shawn suddenly getting into a relationship with Camila comes over, to me, as “do it now before it’s too late or you get left”. Just pretend it’s real and he did have a thing for Camila for a while. After Hailey left him, he could’ve thought with Camila “it’s now or never” and jumped into it.

He’s easy going in love and is in love with the idea of love. He’d go over the top for a loved one and can easily accept behaviors in partners that other’s wouldn’t accept and he can even be drawn to people who others might consider as trouble. I think we all know a lot of people think Camila has annoying personality traits, but Shawn either just doesn’t notice or just accepts it.

His dreams about romance may be so powerful that he’ll eventually be disappointed with the reality of a relationship. He loves the “Camila and I have been friends for years and now we’re dating” narrative because to him it’s the perfect cute love story. A few months more into the relationship there is definitely a possibility that he (or she) is gonna be disappointed in what dating your friend is really like.

In love he tends to see what he wants to see rather than what it actually is and a possibility of clinging to romantic delusion is very high. He can cling to the idea that someone loves them when in reality that person isn’t returning the affection at all. If he’s not loved back, so what? He’ll love for the two of them. Or they may cling to a relationship that has lost all hope, which I sometimes think he did with Hailey after she left him. Another possibility is showing their love to someone who is unattainable or who is unable to commit (Camila maybe, because I’m sure she isn’t ready to commit again this shortly after Matthew) and sometimes even to someone treats them badly. He could do that all while clinging to an idealized image of his partner. So yeah, you can definitely say love makes blind. The result can even end in being attracted to co-dependent or even abusive relationships. That kind of worries me since he once said in a Q&A that he’s drawn to pain and something wrong in relationships. I don’t remember what he exactly said but it was something along those lines.

He can confuse sexual tension and lust with being in love. Say that he has had a crush on Camila for years. He could look at her, think of her, talk to her and write about her but one thing he could never do was touch her. He values touching. So what’s the first thing he goes wild with now they’re “finally” together? Have sex. Does that mean it’s true love? No. Is there a possibility he does see it as true love because he‘s lustful? Definitely.

His birth chart says he can shy away from confrontation. He needs to feel secure before he speaks. Which is exactly what happened when fans asked him questions about social issues in Q&A’s. When asked if he’s a feminist he didn’t answer because he’s afraid of saying the wrong things. He feels the need to first do research on topics to know what to say and not offend people so he doesn’t get backlash.

He trusts other easily and he can be a little careless on spending money. He loves helping people in difficulty. Some people around him definitely make use of his income.

So that was it, I hope y’all enjoyed it a little lmao I really have too much free time 😭

[every-angel-is-terrifyingg-blog]

Raphael

I won’t lie, I’ve wanted to put off this post.

There are a few things I need to get off my chest and a few elephants I need to address before I can really talk about my boy Raphael.

 If you’ve ever spent five minutes in the Good Omens tag, then you’ve heard of the “Crowley is Raphael” headcanon. It’s compelling to some people because the Archangel Raphael is a healer who looks out for humanity and snakes have a traditional connection to healing. Not to mention we don’t see Raphael in the show.

When I first saw this headcanon, I thought it was an interesting “what if.” However, it’s a “what if” that presents complications. Crowley doesn’t perfectly align with Raphael’s lore, which I’ll be getting into today. It also presents a bit of a paradox. There would need to be a pretty good explanation for why we humans know about Raphael and why we consider him one of the Big Four Archangels (ie Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel) if he’s fallen.

I’m not here to try and change minds. I’m here to enthuse about angels. So, if you like the Raphael headcanon, please understand that you need to find a good solution to a few roadblocks to make it work. I also hope the information I’ll provide is helpful.

If you headcanon Crowley as a different named angel, any named angel, I’m happy to talk lore and give information. Again, not here to change minds. At the end of the day, I just want more excuses to talk about angels without people assuming I’m religious. Also, I sometimes worry that the Raphael headcanon will drown out other voices/ideas and, well, that’s just not cool. The wonderful thing about fan communities is creativity and the stifling of creative expression is always something to be mourned.

My personal take? I think Crowley was a worker bee angel who very accidentally got where he is today. I also kind of like the idea that he was one of the fallen angels who taught humanity about astronomy/astrology as mentioned in the Book of Enoch, but my preference is that Crowley was essentially a nobody. It’s more satisfying to me to think that a nobody became the serpent in Eden and what not. If you disagree, that’s fine.

Okay, I’ve delayed things long enough. Let’s focus on Raphael, Archangel MD. Who is he and what is he about?

Raphael (God has healed) is one of only three angels that are named in any canonical text, the other two being Michael and Gabriel. This alone makes him the third most important angel we have.

He is first mentioned in the Book of Tobit, a text that is outside of the Hebrew canon and Christians are split on (Catholics say canon, Protestants say not canon). In the Book of Tobit, Raphael heals Tobit’s blindness and acts as a travel companion to Tobit’s son Tobias. He disguises himself as a a human, claiming to be a relative named Azarias (Yahweh helps). After a long journey and some miracles, Raphael reveals that he is one of the seven Archangels who sit by God’s throne.

After the big reveal, Tobias and Raphael reach their destination. Tobias wants to marry a woman named Sarah, but the demon Asmodeus keeps killing her husbands before they can consummate the marriage (rude). Raphael tells Tobias to smoke the demon out by burning a fish’s liver and heart. It works and the two humans can get married.   

Raphael is attributed as a doctor angel in a few other places. The Zohar states that Raphael is the one who is in charge of healing the earth and is a protector of humans. In other stories, Raphael helped Abraham heal from his circumcision, fixed Jacob’s leg after some celestial wrestling, and gave Noah a book of medicine.  

In the apocryphal Book of Enoch, Raphael is further established as an angel of healing. After the fallen angels mucked things up on earth, Raphael was tasked with fixing the planet. Along with this, Enoch names him as a Watcher and a guide to Sheol, the underworld.

Being a very important angel, Raphael is referenced to a number of times in other stories.

It’s thought that Raphael’s equivalent in Islam is Israfil, the angel who will blow the trumpet to announce the Days of Resurrection. Some believe that he tutored Muhammad before Gabriel delivered the Qur’an and that he cries three times a day over the vision of Hell. What’s fascinating is how Israfil is depicted. He’s gigantic, hairy, covered in mouths and tongues, and has four wings: one to cover his body, one to shield him from God, one that stretches east, and another that stretches west.

Here’s what I’m wondering, are the mouths separate from the tongues or does he just stick all his tongues out of all his mouths?

The Midrash Konen says that Raphael was once the angel Labbiel. Before God created humans, there was huge argument in Heaven over whether or not humanity was a good idea at all. Labbiel and a number of other angels supported God’s desire to make humans. Because God is God, He got final say. The angels who disagreed with God were burned (rude) and Labbiel got a promotion and a name change.

In Jewish mysticism, Raphael along with the other Big Four (Michael, Gabriel, and Uriel) observe all the bloodshed in the world and watch over the Four Rivers of Paradise.

In the Testament of Solomon, King Solomon needed help building the Temple, so God sent Raphael. Raphael gave him a magic ring engraved with a pentagram (the Seal of Solomon). This ring had the power to control demons and so Solomon completed the temple thanks to demonic slave labor.

Some traditions place Raphael as a guardian of the Tree of Life, which grants immortality. He also oversees evening winds and is a champion of science and knowledge.

Raphael’s angelic rank is...tricky. He’s called the chief of Virtues, second sphere angels who ensure that miracles are preformed on earth (so, in Good Omens, are these the angels who told Aziraphale he was preforming too many frivolous miracles? I like to think so. Virtues do outrank Principalities after all.).  However, he is also called a Seraph, a Cherub, a Power, and a Dominion.

I’m going to go with the rank my pal Johnny Milton gave him, which is Seraph. I also just really like Seraphim. They’re second to Thrones in my book.

Well, I invoked Milton, so now it’s time to talk about Paradise Lost.

First, Raphael is an important character in Paradise Lost because he is sent to go visit Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and tell them what’s what. Second, I’m pretty sure Adam has a crush on Raphael.

When Raphael is introduced, Milton spends a lot of time describing how beautiful Raphael’s six wings are and just how hot Raphael is in general. He’s so hot that his “glorious shape” is proof alone that he’s from Heaven and not Hell. Raphael tells Adam and Eve that he’s there to answer some of their questions. Eve decides to leave Adam and Raphael alone, presumably because Adam won’t stop making heart-eyes at the angel and it’s embarrassing.

Well, the narration says it is because Eve wants Adam to explain everything to her later, but I like my read better. It’s way less sexist and more fun.

So, Adam and Raphael sit and down to eat and this is A Big Deal. Scholars have argued for millennia on whether or not angels have physical bodies and if they operate like human ones. I’ll do a separate post on this another time, but this whole scene with Raphael is Milton making his stance known -- angels have bodies and they need to eat.

Milton also takes the opportunity to be much more woke than anyone expected. Adam gushes about how amazing sex is and asks Raphael if angels do it. After blushing, Raphael says yes.  Angel sex is the kind of sex that has no lust. It is instead a celebration of love among pure entities. Some scholars believe that Milton wrote this to argue that sex can be enjoyed without shame and sex can be beautiful.

Adam asks Raphael several more questions about Heaven and the nature of existence, which Raphael does his best to answer. One question is about the movement of the stars and Raphael teaches him some quick astronomy.

(I’ve seen several people comment that Raphael has a connection to the cosmos and this is the only piece of evidence that I can find. Did everyone get this from Paradise Lost? I’m genuinely curious.)

Regardless, Raphael being the “sociable angel” tries his best to explain God in a way that Adam can understand. None of the other angels have tried to get on Adam’s level like this, so it makes him stand out. Most importantly, Raphael tells Adam about the war in Heaven and Lucifer’s fall.

This conversation takes place in Books V-VIII. So, this lasts a while.

When Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden, God sends an angel to tell Adam how much life is going to suck from now on. You’d expect it to be Raphael, but sadly, it’s Michael. Michael is a much more distant angel, so it really drives home that Adam and Eve no longer have that same personal relationship with the divine.

Also, they can never ask their angel friend TMI questions about Heaven sex or admire his hotness ever again. And that’s why they call it Paradise Lost.

Dumb jokes aside, Raphael has very much earned Milton’s title of “sociable angel.” As both doctor and angel, he is closely tied to human affairs and has excellent bedside manner.

Could he be Crowley? That’s ultimately up to you. This Internet Person says no, but I’m just an Internet Person.

Sources for this post can be found under the “My Resources” tab. Check out the “Who Am I” tab for more info on this blog and the author.

[pinkgoldgirl]

Changing your life

I have recently found myself in a situation some of you may have faced (I did, actually, when I wrote and published this article). I think I lost myself for a little, so now I try to do my best and become the person I actually am. This is some advice I would give myself to help me change my life.

1. SET SOME GOALS

Whether they are redecorating your room or loosing 30 pounds, setting goals will help you do your best everyday to get one step closer to them. So do it. Decide what is really important to you, make a plan and take action! Visualising your future is the first step towards it.

2. GO ON A DIET

You may not have to lose weight but thats not what diets are all about. They help you eat healthier and you will find yourself enjoying life more. I had a really bad diet but since I started eating heathier, I lost 25 pounds and I love my life more. Plus, eating healthy isn't boring or taugh at all, after a few time, and you actually build a better lifestyle.

3. GO TO THE GYM

This is not just about losing weight or getting in shape. It is also about having a healthy way of living and a more energetic life. Plus, gym helps you be more sociable as you can meet people with same interests as you! Since I joined gym I met new people, I became less shy and it also made me happier and more motivated. If you can’t or don’t want to go to the gym though, building a workout routine works just as well! Find exercises on the internet or whole workouts on youtube (I personally follow Pamela Reif) and do your workout at home!

4. GET MORE SLEEP

A good nights sleep will help you manage the rest of the day. Good sleep can improve concentration and productivity while poor sleep is linked to depression. Want to be happier? Just take a nap! Plus, sleeping burns calories (I think about 63 calories per hour) so I’m concidering this a workout! 

5. CUT YOUR HAIR

A major image change is the best way to help yourself see the change in you and understand that you are building a new lifestyle. Cut your hair or paint them and change your style and life. Last year (2019) I cut my hear (without even a tear, mind you) and it changed my image and the way I saw myself so much! This year I am seriously thinking of becoming a redhead, but I need to do much more research before I finally make a decision. Even though I am actually a very spontaneous person most of the time and just do things without actually thinking about them enough. 

6. FIND A NEW HOBBY

It is important to have something that you can do in your free time to exhale all the stress. Start a new hobby such as painting or music to help you rest on a tough day. As a person that has tried many different things I have to admit you can’t be great at all of them. I am but that’s an exception. I’m just kidding. Seriously though, you have to try a variety of hobbies to find something you like and you’re good at. Even though being good at something isn’t what matters, it mostly has to make you happy, I find it really annoying being bad at anything I do. Just the way I am.

7. GO ON A TRIP

Visiting new places and getting to know new people and cultures will help you understand better the world. Not to mention that a trip is the perfect way to have some time for yourself and rest. Save your money, plan your vacations and travel, as much as you can and as far as you can! Do I need to mention how relaxing a break from everything can be?

8. BECOME MORE POSSITIVE

They say "possitive mind, possitive life" and it is 100% true. Train your mind to see the good in all things! As a start, try to find something positive in every situation and you will instantly become more possitive yourself. Following inpiring, aesthetic accounts on social media can help too!

9. CELEBRATE YOUR VICTORIES

No one knows what you have done to be where you are, so dont expect them to clap for you. Instead, celebrate your own victories by buing yourself a beautiful dress, making your nails or going on a trip. Give yourself the things you deserve. No one else will. I personally like celebrating my victories by taking a self care day (we are going to speak about that too) or by doing things that can and will help me later in my life (eg. learning a new skill or a new language).

10. DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY

Building a new life would be a loss of time if you don't do what makes you happy. So stop living for others, make yourself a priority and learn to say "no" to things you don't like. You are only here for yourself and you are only as happy as you let yourself be.

Originally posted on We Heart It on March 17th, 2019.

That's all for today! Hope you found it inspiring!

Stay safe ♥

xoxoEllie

[ohayohimawari]

Ask Me About Kakashi - Answer

I’m answering a two-part question about Kakashi that was left as a reply to my original post. @sweetestcreeper asked:

“Honestly, I really wanna know how he sleeps, like everyone has their own way… some sleep on their side, some has a weird shape, some sleep straight (not many). And I really wanna know if he is capable of flirting…”

I’m lucky that all of the questions I’ve received have been so darn good, and these two are no exception. Thank you for asking them! I’ve had a lot of fun thinking about how best to answer you.

You stated where you were in the series, and I will honor your request for no spoilers.

In the anime and manga, I always see Kakashi sleeping straight, on his back. There is one other episode in which he tries to sneak in a nap and even then, he is lying on his back, but with his arms on either side of his head. In fanart, he is often depicted sleeping on his side in the fetal position, or on his stomach with his arms wrapped around the pillow.

I turned to the infinite knowledge of the internet where I searched sleeping positions and what they reveal about personalities. I literally lol’d at the results.

The position in which he is most often shown while sleeping is straight, on his back (see also: Kakashi gets the most sleep while hospitalized). This sleeping position is called (get this) The Soldier. But wait, there’s more. This sleeping position is associated with people that, “typically are quiet, reserved and hold both themselves and other people to high standards and strict moral codes.” Bullseye.

The napping position I described above occurred later in the series, after the Fourth Great Ninja War. That position is called The Stargazer, and according to my internet search, “They make their friends a priority and do anything in their power to help those they hold dear to them. People who sleep in this position tend to have a positive, ‘happy-go-lucky’ outlook on life.” Again, while I concede the second half of that personality description doesn’t exactly apply as well as the first, I think this is right on par with how Kakashi is portrayed at that point in the series. I like to think of him as being comfortable in his own skin at this stage of his life. He’s definitely more laid-back and certainly closer to “happy-go-lucky” than he ever was before.

As far as the fetal and tummy-time positions where I find a sleeping Kakashi in many fanart pieces… I think that can be explained by the fact that they are quite popular sleeping positions in general and not necessarily having anything to do with capturing his personality. In fact, the traits associated with those positions are further away from the mark:

Fetal: “Those who find comfort in this natural position can be described as having a hard shell: tough on the outside but a huge softy on the inside. They typically are shy when you meet them, then tend to open up and relax quickly.” I don’t recognize Kakashi in this description. I’ll grant the “tough on the outside” part, but that’s about it. The “tend to open up and relax quickly” is practically the opposite of what you can expect of the Copy Nin.

As for the other, what I called tummy-time, the almighty top search result calls The Freefaller. “Freefalling sleepers are bold and sociable on the outside, but typically don’t have the thick skin to deal with criticism or absurd situations.” I don’t think this fits Kakashi at all (don’t @ me, just my opinion).

But damn, does he look hot in that position. I certainly wouldn’t mind waking up to a view like that. So, artists: don’t pay any heed to these results and keep on keeping on with your sexy, sleepy Kakashi art. Please.

Speaking of sexy, if Kakashi ever did manage to acquire an OTP of his own, I think some part of him would have to be touching his lover while sleeping. I don’t mean he’d have to be all over them like an extreme spooner, subjecting his partner to the full force of his stanky, Kaka-morning-breath-no-jutsu. However, I see him resting the back of his hand against or draping an arm over his lover’s sleeping form. Also, I imagine him waking when said lover shifts in their sleep. He’d lift his head, peek at them with one eye and go back to sleep after making sure all is well and safe.

In order to get to the having-a-lover part, Kakashi would have to manage some modicum of flirtation, which brings me to the second part of your question.

I love this knucklehead to pieces, but my poor assassinating bean is one emotionally and socially stunted shinobi. However, Kakashi is aware of flattery and how to use it to his advantage. I’m thinking of a scene where he sweet-talks our dear Yams into buying his lunch; flaunting his mastery of this “ability” to his student, Naruto. In matters of the heart, rather than his wallet, I think the silver-haired prodigy of Konoha would be at a disadvantage. To make matters worse, he would know it too.

Kakashi would be an awkward flirt.

I’m actually writing a series that depicts a developing relationship between him and another high-ranking ninja dork. In that series, I explore this aspect of his character. In those stories, I imagine him as a nervous, old-fashioned date. He stammers his way through asking the object of his affections on a first date. He rambles on and on about his ninken-talking at great length about nothing-fueled by nerves and the desire to remain in their company. He shows up on time. He shaves and tries to tame his mane, efforts that are wasted because of his mask and cowlicks. He’s chivalrous; he behaves in a gentlemanly manner, without being condescending.

These little behaviors, the compliments he gives, all of the little gestures become romantic because of his earnest wish to do and say nice things to his lover, simply because he cares for them.

P.S. Here’s the link to the site I referred to for sleeping positions and personality traits.

XOXO

[crowkingwrites]

Battle of the Bands (Ch.7)

fPairing: Robb Stark x Reader, Jon Snow x Reader, Viserys Targaryen x Reader, Ramsay Bolton X Reader

Summary: You just moved into the city for the first tie all by yourself. After you get your dream summer job working for a small magazine, you find yourself in the middle of the city’s rock festival: Battle of the Bands. Local rock bands throughout the city compete to win a record deal that could change their lives. Your job? Get close to them and write about them online.A single girl in the city surrounded by rocker boys during the summertime. What could possibly go wrong?

Words: 2394 // AO3 Link

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six

The next day you didn’t go to work. You didn’t even bother with the fest. You woke up at a crisp 7am sun peeking through your room. A hot cup of coffee warmed your hand, but you greeted the day with some sobriety. You turned your phone off on purpose. You wouldn’t spend today flirting with boys and getting news stories.

Before you left Margaery, she instructed you to not visit her.

She remembered a time where she was hospitalized before, and all you did was check up on her every five minutes. Sure, this was still during your internet friendship, but it still annoyed Margie. If anything, Margaery has a great excuse to relax and enjoy her injury. Well, as much as anyone can enjoy themselves while they are in the hospital.

Margie’s pet bird sang when you went to go greet her. She sang sweet songs to you. Every sip of hot coffee tasted just as wonderful as the last.

You decided to do your own writing on your computer. Your toes curled up and relaxed as you opened a new word document. Words flowed out of you as unusual as it was. You wrote about Viserys and how his hips moved. How good it felt when he kissed you. Then you wrote about Ramsay. How much of an asshole he truly was, but he loved to flirt.

Then you wrote about Robb. Angry words broke away from the soft thoughts. He treated you like you were his. You belonged to no one. You didn’t have to answer to him or for him. Nastier thoughts started to unfold. What if he did hire you just because you were cute? What if he just hired you so you would date him? All of it left a bad taste in your mouth.

But, Robb wouldn’t do that. No, he proved how good of a person he was. Right? Sure, he was adorable to look at, and he worked hard for the music store and magazine he ran. Still, the darker thoughts clouded your mind. You wanted to hit him. You wanted to call him. You weren’t sure exactly what to do.

You texted Loras. Surely, your gay-pseudo-brother knew what to do.

You to Loras: [ Hey, I still can’t wrap my head around last night. ]

Loras to You: [Oh thank God! I was waiting for you to say SOMETHING. Margie couldn’t keep her mouth shut. Sorry sis.]

You: [I fucking knew it. She told you everything?]

Loras: [Everything. Did you quit or what?]

You: [No, but it hurts. Do you think he hired me so I would date him?]

Loras: [Hunny no. You are a talented and a hardworking writer. Anyone can see that.] You pushed away the computer and sat on the sectional couch. Gray clouds started to block the sun. Your fingers made busy work to Loras.

You: [Why does this all feel so weird then? Why do I wanna talk to him? I’m so mad at him! What if I lose my job?]

A panic started to rumble its way into your head. The questions came soaring afterwards. What if you did lose your job? What if you never got a chance to write again? This was your only chance, and you fucked it up and—

You had to stop. You hated panic attacks. As sociable and popular as you were, panic attacks left you defenseless. Your heart pounded against your chest. Things around you started to be louder and brasher. Margie’s bird singing became a screech in your head. The air you breathed tasted like sharp chalk. It hurt so bad.

You called Loras.

“Loras!” you shouted.

“Hey, hey now. You’re alright,” Loras reassured you. You felt a tear go down your face. Another one fell after it.

“I’m gonna get fired! I can’t get fired!” you told him.

“No, no, no. You are not going to get fired,” Loras told you in a calm, but firm voice. “And even if you did, no one will hate you for it.”

“I’m a failure!” your voice let out. Insecurities bubbled up to the surface. “Robb gave me my one chance at writing for a career! And I fucked it up, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t—

“I’m so stupid! Oh my god, I’m so stupid!”

“Y/N, you’re alright. It’s okay! Just—

You heard other noises and a shaking before you heard Loras’ voice again.

“Y/N, it’s gonna be okay. I can’t help you right now, but there’s someone who is on their way who can. I’m sorry. I can’t leave work. But someone’s on their way, ok? Hang in there for sis.” As Loras hung up the phone, you felt yourself collapse onto the ground. Your cries expelled out of your body as if you were having a fit. You felt your shoulders shake and your teeth chatter.

As the wood in your apartment creaked, you could’ve sworn you felt the room grow smaller. You heard your silly sobs and you wanted to punish yourself further. How stupid were you to think that you could do this? You wanted to find something. You had to punish yourself. This was your fault. It was your fault. It was you—

You heard someone knocking on the door frantically. A voice matched it.

“Y/N! Are you in there?” Jon said. “It’s me! Jon! Loras and Renly sent me here. Are you okay?” You picked yourself off from the floor and walked towards your door with a bewildered expression. After opening two of the three locks, your door creaked open to a worried Jon Snow.

His dark curls were the same, but you swore you’ve never seen his eyes this close. The sky was darkening and so were his eyes. No sunlight touched the brown color in them. Instead, a darkness colored them darker as if he had his own demons too. They were there in his eyes, just lurking in the background.

“Jon?” your voice creaked out.

“Oh, Y/N. Let me in, okay?” Jon nodded to the door. You stepped back and let him in. You quickly noted his backpack and a few grocery bags he had with him. Confusion replaced most of the tension, but you could still feel the tears come down your face.

“Jon, what are you—

“I heard you over the phone. Loras asked me to come, so here I am,” Jon explained. He set his things down and walked over to you. “What happened?”

You opened your mouth to tell him, but then conveniently remembered who Jon’s brother was. Your mouth closed so fast that you almost hurt yourself.

“I don’t know if I can tell you,” you quietly said.

“You can,” Jon nodded. You shook your head violently.

“I can’t,” your voice broke. Tears streamed down your face again. Without any prompting, Jon pulled you to him. His arms wrapped around you firmly. You felt him breathe calmly. Your nose caught his scent of cologne. He smelled much sweeter than you expected, but it calmed you. You found yourself breathing with him as your sobs were laid to rest. Jon let you out of his warming and reassuring hug while both of you sat on the sofa.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Jon said. He grabbed his bag. “But, I did bring something that could really help the problem.” You watched Jon pull out a small leather bag, a lighter, and a glass bong.

“You smoke?” you said, surprised.

“Yeah,” Jon nodded. “Nearly everyone in the family does.”

“Including Cat? Your mom?”

“She advocates for it, but she’s quiet about it, yeah,” Jon smiled. You watched him pack the weed gently and firmly into the bowl. Then, you watched Jon hit it. The smoke swirled up into his chest. He held it for a moment, and released it. Smoke left his mouth in a singular, long stream. As if he was one of those 1940’s mobsters who cut a good deal with the police.

Jon passed it to you. “It will calm you down. It helps.” You took the bong from him and hit it harder than you wanted. The burn in the back of your throat betrayed you. You ended up coughing much more than you expected.

“Sorry, it’s been a while,” you said. Jon shook his head and smiled, unpacking the grocery bags filled with all kinds of snacks. Cookies, salty chips and dip, and you spied a king-sized chocolate bar. Your eyes went wide.

“Oh, yeah, this one’s for you,” Jon offered it to you. You held the king-sized bar to your face, comparing the size. A genuine, hearty laugh left Jon as his eyes squinted. “Feeling better already?”

You took a big bite of the chocolate. “Well, you know what they say, eat this, you’ll feel better.”

Jon relaxed on the sofa and dug into the chips. He squinted at the window. “Oh, well I guess it’s going to rain after all.” The gray clouds outside had blocked out the sun completely. A bit of rain started to drip onto the city streets. Luckily, you decided to not go into the fest today.

“You said Loras sent you here?” you said taking another hit from the bong.

“He did,” Jon nodded.

“Why aren’t you at the pub? You could be playing for another crowd of people who want to get away from the rain,” you pointed out.

Jon shrugged. “Didn’t want to. I didn’t have the energy. Besides, it was never about the crowds for me. I’m happy playing music for just one person.” You smiled to yourself knowing that you were in good company.

“Did you want to watch something?” you gestured with the remote in your hand.

“Yeah, anything you want. I’m here to hang with you,” Jon’s smile gave you a sigh of relief. You never knew what to think when someone helped you through a panic attack. Sometimes, your mind went to the absolute worst thoughts. Jon didn’t seem to mind. You clicked on another nature documentary and took another hit from the bong.

“So,” you began another conversation. The rain started to hit the window as thunder rolled. “How long have you been smoking?”

“High school,” Jon said. “On my sixteenth birthday, Uncle Benjen pulled me aside and introduced me to it. You seem really surprised?”

“I don’t know. You don’t seem like the type to—

“Straight edge. Like Robb, right?” Jon chuckled, and you almost did. You bit your lip and became very quiet. Jon moved closer to you. His fingers reached out to you. “You alright?”

Your continued silence gave Jon the hint.

“What happened with Robb?” Jon’s tone became very dark all of a sudden.

“Last night, I was with someone and Robb was really upset with me.”

“Is this about Margaery going to the hospital?” Jon asked. You nodded and continued.

“He called me over and over and over again. When he found me with someone, he got really angry with me and said some mean things to me and—

Jon held his hand up to stop you. “He told me his side this morning. I know what he said. I know who you were with and everything.”

You felt the tears come back to your eyes, but before you could cry too hard Jon hugged you again.

“I don’t like what Robb said to you. I especially don’t like what he was going to do about it.”

“He was gonna do something?”

“He was going to fire you,” Jon said. “Until I convinced him how horrible of an idea that was.” Jon sighed and rolled his eyes. He took a long hit for himself. The smoke still came out in a single stream. You weren’t going to lie. You were starting to like this Stark brother much more than the other.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because you’re my friend. And you’re a great writer,” Jon sat back. You joined him. “Robb wants to work with people he likes. That’s why he hires his friends, his family, and sometimes his girlfriends. When he’s mad with people, he holds their job over their head to get them to do what he wants. Robb’s my brother. I love him, but he’s fucked in that regard.”

“Ramsay told me about a girl named Robyn.”

Jon groaned. His hands slid down his face as more frustrated noises came out of him. “

“Robyn. Robyn was a mess. You’re different than her. Very different. Is that why you had a panic attack? You think you’re going to lose your job?” When you nodded, Jon hugged you even more. “That’s not going to happen. I promise you that won’t happen.”

“Do you think I’m a whore?”

“No,” Jon laughed, letting you go. “I think you are a very pretty single girl who just wants to make friends in a new city she just moved to. Anyone who tells you different can fuck off.” You hugged Jon. Letting your arms wrap around his middle and taking in every scent of him. Jon was so nice to you. From the moment you met him till now, he was always so sweet to you.

Which was why you kissed him on the cheek and then backed away very quickly.

Jon sat there, almost stunned. His smile didn’t disappear.

“So, you’re a little high, huh?” he laughed it off. You felt the relaxing notion of the THC take over a few minute ago, but it didn’t hit you until now.

“I guess,” you giggled. Your laugh faded into a big smile. “Thanks for coming over. It means a lot to me.”

“Believe me, I understand more than you think,” Jon gave you a half-smile. You jumped up and grabbed one of your homemade blankets from your room and brought it out to the living room. You tossed it over Jon and smiled. Jon fixated the blanket to give you both room under the quilt warmth.

“Do you wanna stay here all day and get high with me while we watch funny stuff?” you asked, hoping for a yes.

“I would absolutely love that,” Jon patted the seat next to him where you sat. Both cuddled up in a happy bundle while the storm went on.

Note to Self: Panic attacks are not ok. Getting help from good friends makes it all okay.

Ultimate Tag List (People who wished to be tagged in EVERY work I post.)

@angelicshinigami @sugarwastaken @carilov09 @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @i-theredqueen@sleepylunarwolf  @loki-0fasgard

Ramsay Tag List (People who wish to be tagged in everything Ramsay Bolton related)

@boltonblade  @why-so-red  @sj-thefan

[sa2chaogarden]

For Esther: 3, 5, 11, 14, 27, 28, 39, 43! Author questions, A, C, E, G, H!

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

I feel like Esther follows a nightly routine and is pretty prompt about going to bed at a certain time. I guess homework sort of counts as reading, but once that’s over she gets ready for bed (pjs, brushes teeth, washes face, ties her hair up) afterwards without like, browsing the internet or anything on her phone.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Esther is pretty outgoing and sociable with others and knows a lot of people from different social groups/clubs/walks of life (at least from a high school perspective), so I feel like they would either have to rub her the wrong way when they first meet or do something directly to her to seriously distrust them.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Esther isn’t afraid to ask questions to get answers. She works for the newspaper and is used to rephrasing things to get clarification on just about anything. Of course, this leads her to be somewhat prying of other people’s drama she has no business getting involved in.

14. What animal do they fear most?

Horses. Too tall. Full of secrets.

27. What causes them to feel dread?

Missing deadlines. Not living up to other’s expectations and disappointing them. 

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

I guess it depends what that truth is. For the majority of things though, I feel like she would rather not.

39. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

This one also depends. What are the flaws? If they are small and just small personality things like always forgetting their keys or using the wrong their/there/they’re, she may be a little irked, but it’s not that big of a deal. But like if someone’s flaws are not really flaws but hateful shit, then no, she can’t and won’t ignore it.

43. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

“I don’t have time for boys right now.”

A) Why are you excited about this character?

Esther thinks she can take on anything and needs to realize when it’s time to chill and actually relax. She also needs to come to understand what her actual wants and needs look like. She can’t always be a people-pleaser. Like with all my characters, I’m excited to write her growth and development as well as just her as a self-proclaimed leader of the magic kids group and idk she’s just cool and not a nerd at all, nope. No way like the boys at all. Nuh uh.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

A little bit. She originally came to be when I wanted to have a kid with “photography-like” powers. And things just sort of snowballed into what Esther is now. I mean, I’m still trying to figure out her entire story and how it plays out with interactions with her class and clubmates, Wheatley and Micah, Rome, and especially her mom. I know where I want things to end, but getting there sure is something, huh?

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Considering age difference? Probably not. But if I knew Esther in high school? Maybe. I don’t know. We both have that competitive spirit and drive to be perfect at a lot of things so, considering she is actually social and popular? Probably not. Not in like a rivalry sort of way, but like a probably will never interact based on social status sort of way. Cool we like the same things but clique say you shouldn’t talk to me so bye.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

I don’t like saying things bother me personally but like, some bad traits Esther has is the fact she’s nosy and probably over step boundaries without realizing it. A little arrogant at times, but she has a right to be...for the most part.

H) What trait do you admire most?

Her social, leadership, and multi-management skills.

[seecourtneytravel]

October 3rd and 4th, 2018 (Wednesday & Thursday)

Teaching and Cebu. Cebu was epic!

Both of these days I feel like putting into one writing. I’m sure you all are getting tired of reading my day to day posts that have been a week off so here’s a way I can catch up. I was able to miss a day at both TabonTabon and LPH for teaching which was a nice break.

I met up with Jude to head to Northern Tacloban high school to teach basic life support to 9th, 10th, and 11th grade kids. I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t know if the kids would grasp the concept or understand me speaking semi fast English. I had 40 minutes to talk about cpr, drowning, and choking in the baby and the adult. I think I made a world record class in timing. I talked loud and fast.

The room would fill up with about 30 kids, they were all in uniform and I think they gave me the time of day because I was someone different. When I told them I was from New York everyone in the class “oooo” and “ahhhhh” ‘d. Then I would show them pictures of my friends back home who were American but Chinese and Filipino in appearance. They were confused why they were in the United States. I felt like that in itself was a great exposure point. When I was about to show them how far I lived from NYC in the next slide, I soon realized that all the work I did the previous day didn’t save. It was okay because I still had 40 slides.

The first class, I was feeling nervous and not really knowing how my timing would be. To get through the slides and demonstration in 40 min was tough. I had the principal in the back watching my teachings as well which was nerve wrecking. He didn’t know what Basic life support was either so maybe he learned a thing or two.

After teaching the kids ABC’s (airway breathing and circulation) and responding in the order of CAB, I would demonstrate on my water gallon the steps of CPR. The kids were very shy and were not used to me being so loud and forcing them to demonstrate. I would give them test questions along the way and a chance to demonstrate. I gave random candies that I think really helped keep them in focus. Sometimes it was obvious when they didn’t understand, but demonstration and numbers they picked up quick. They especially liked when j started singing “ah-ah-ah-ah stayin’ alive stayin’ alive” singing.

After five classes back to back to back I was pouring sweat it was embarrassing. I was also losing my voice. The volunteer for the visayans worker Rico was at standby watching my presentations and taking pictures. Jude had left after the first class.

On my way back, when I left from a multicab to a jeepney I had my phone on my lap that only dropped when I went from hunched to standing as I was getting out of the vehicle. My phone went flying forward landing face down. Some bystandard called me over and picked it up for me. The scary moment when they are about to reveal the front of your phone to you happened and it happened to be my worst nighmare. He turned my phone over and it was super smashed. But the touch screen still worked.

I went directly to Robinson’s mall to see how much it would cost to repair. I went to five different stores who either said no or they didn’t have it in stock for my iPhone 6+. Finally I found a real phone repair spot that said it would cost 6,500 pasos. That’s like $110. Pretty expensive but also they typically don’t have iPhones here. My second concern was if they fixed it would they put a shitty screen on it that’s not compatible.

I went home and was all sad about my phone. I had dinner then headed out to see Ronja and Jacob at cafe Lucia. I was so burnt out from the day I almost didn’t want to go but it was the last time I would see my volunteer friends. They will be on vacation for several weeks in the upcoming weekend.

We went out and called and had our usual relaxing time at the cafe. Ronja and Jacob had their usual San Miguel light, I as some kind of smoothie. We all walked home and we said or goodbyes. I’m not usually good at goodbyes because in my head I intend to see that person again in the near future. Even if I might not ever see them again. The truth is you will never know!

The next day, Thursday, I taught 6 classes of BLS. I had packed my bags already for Cebu and had to leave to the airport right after dinner. The six classes had me actually lose my voice, it sounded hoarse and more manly than usual. It’s absolutely exhausting teaching the same thing over and over again. But I believe, even if they didn’t get everything I was explaining, the exposure of the class is what is important. The class teaching and lecture is actually what has made me feel I’ve made the most difference in my volunteering and it felt like it was the hardest I worked during my stay here in the Philippines.

As I headed home it was nearing 5pm. My flight was at 820pm. I had dinner and had some more fine tune packing for my 3 night adventure in Cebu. I stayed in contact with my friend Kevin I met in Guiuan at the ABCD surf camp. He advised me about staying at hostel 7, saying he was a friend of the owners.

I booked at hostel 7, was super appreciative of Kevin’s advice. I told him my flight itinerary and he said he would

Meet me at the hostel. I was pretty shocked he was actually going to meet me at the hostel, it made my trip right away not feel so solo.

I made my way to the airport and my nanay walked me o where to wait for the jeepney. I had already known but she is always worried I would take a wrong turn or get on the wrong bus. I let her show me but felt bad because I knew how far away it was. I kept trying to send her back home and she insisted.

I got to the airport with plenty of time to spare. Once we took off the flight would only take 30 minutes. “Ms.Bishop, I have your ordered meal.” The flight attendant handed me a sandwich and a drink. I didn’t remember ordering a meal… but I wasn’t complaining.

I had the company of a woman from the states who was visiting her friends and family in the Philippines. She made the fast flight even faster.

After getting out I ordered a grab car, I didn’t trust the taxi’s, a lot of them had a really creepy presentation about them. I waited for 20 minutes before I cancelled and got another grab car. It works the same as uber at home but not really as efficient. After waiting another 15 minutes my grab car made it through the long taxi line. I texted Kevin I was on my way. He said he had already arrived at the hostel.

After almost thirty minutes, I made it to Hostel 7. It was very sociable, people were already drunk, laughing and singing. From the outside it looked very modern and inviting. Right in the doorway was Kevin who was talking to the DJ. I gave him a warm hello hug, it was great to say I had friends that would come hang out when I come i their hometown or city. Sometimes it’s hard to get friends to drive down the street to hang out. The check in desk was also right there, I checked in and was shown my room.

I was given the choice of what bed to pick and I picked the bed directly next to someone on the top bunk. Why I did that I don’t know, maybe I thought the top bunk was the best bunk but I forgot it’s not. I met my bunkmate Prince who was from the Philippines but in town for a few days on vacation. He said he was meeting a guy on a date but he was stood up. I invited to come down for some socializing or to have a drink if he felt like it, he said maybe.

I went back outside and hung out with Kevin. He bought my first drink which was a refreshing gesture. We awaited his friend the owner to come through the door. After about 20 more minutes, the owner came in by his car with his 6ft tall French girlfriend who was really sweet. They dated for the year she has been in the Philippines and now she will be leaving to Australia.

The owners name is Michael. He is extremely personable and knows how to mingle and get crowds together. Kevin, Michael and I sat at a free picnic table outside and socialized over a few drinks. After sharing a few laughs, Michael quickly changes paths and asks, “Have you ever tried Bolut!?!”

Kevin encouraged me to try it. What was funny is that Kevin and Michael both didn’t want it at the time but was super eager for me to try it. For the experience of course.

The internet definition of Balut is “A developing bird embryo that is boiled and eaten from the shell. It originated from and is commonly sold as street food in the Philippines. Often served with beer, balut is popular in Southeast Asian countries, such as Laos, Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam.”

I guess I can check this off my bucket list. For the record, I do not recommend eating Balut when you’re trying to impress a guy. It is not attractive and leads to many high fives and friend zoned.

A little bit after the Balut, we headed over to the somewhat noisier crowd and tried to pass the Balut on to other foreigners. Michael was telling people “she’s a vegan and she did it!” While pointing to me. They knew that was an absolute lie and still refused. I’ll never forget the noises this gay Filipino man made while eating it haha he made it sound as bad as I made it look.

After a little bit more socializing I headed back to my dorms. I met a few more dorm mates. One from Vancouver Canada and another from England. Both solo traveling around but not really solo like myself. Always running into people on the same path.

I fell asleep pretty hard, had my ear plugs in and eye mask on. In my 8 bed dorm, some asshole turned off the air conditioning and I woke up at like 7AM boiling in my bed. The heat was unbearable. I asked someone who was on the lower level to turn it back on. I stayed in bed until my body temperature regulated.

[rason-rodd]

Nightwing : The Rise of Flamebird (Chapter 5)

Summary: Nightwing and Flamebird were two ancient Kryptonian gods, yet completely opposite. He was darkness and rebirth, tasked to hunt the evils in the shadows. She was fire and destruction, born to annihilate the creations of her mate, Vohc The Builder. Destined to fall in love and achieve great things but fated to be separated. That’s the story Dick Grayson and Terry Olsen heard. Strange that it is also, somehow, their story

Major Pairing: Nightwing/Dick Grayson x Flamebird/Original Female Character

Chapter Summary: After the kidnapping of another child, Terry starts to devote herself even more to her work at the expense of her life as a couple. But there is no time for personal life. The autopsy of Jane Antol has revealed too many terrible things and she believes she may have a lead. Problem is, she needs Nightwing's help.

WARNING: GORE & VIOLENCE, KIDNAPPING

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Terry and Josh’s Apartment – Halyard Street – Blüdhaven – Morning

Another child was missing. Terry had received a message telling her so early this morning. Chloe LaGrange. Five Years Old. A sweet little girl with curly black hair, big black eyes and mocha-coloured skin. Living in Ravenshood Heights and an orphan adopted last year by a couple of doctors. “Just like Isaac.” Terry whispered as she pinched the bridge of her nose, the picture of the little girl in her hand. Now she was certain that this wasn’t a coincidence. She was dealing with a serial kidnapper… or worse.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t see Josh sitting by her side with a mug of hot black coffee. “Here, you’ll need this.” She didn’t hear him either. He sighed and put the mug in her field of vision. “I’m sorry … Thank you … You were saying?” He smiled. He wasn’t mad. He knew how much her work meant to her. “There was nothing you could have done, Terry.” 

“ I know. But it kills me to know there is a psychopath hurting kids somewhere in this city and that the only clue I had is now on the coroner’s table.”     “ Any idea who that might be?”           “ Well I’ve established a profile using the data on the children. Since both Isaac and Chloe were orphans, adopted by rich families and living in the most luxurious area in the Blüd, I believe our kidnapper is an orphan too … However, I don’t think he was ever adopted. Actually, I think the kidnappings are acts of vengeance and resentment, to punish the families that didn’t choose him. But maybe I’m wrong.”       “ You’re never wrong.” He tried to kiss her on her lips but he only met the corner of her mouth as she remained still. “You’re going somewhere?” She asked as she noticed him taking a grey duffel bag “To the gym. I signed up yesterday for a ridiculous price and I read on the Internet the coach is very competent” She faked a smile. Another. Truth was she couldn’t care less about his hobbies. Awful, right? She knew. “But hey, he might interest you. He is also an orphan adopted by a rich guy.” He joked as he zipped his sport jacket.       “Oh really?” Why did she ask? Just let him leave.       “Yeah. Dick Grayson. Heard he was Bruce Wayne’s ward” Terry froze instantly and Josh noticed it. He frowned. “Do you know him?”       “Who doesn’t know Bruce Wayne?”   “I meant Dick Grayson.” She hesitated for a second but then answer with a “Nope”. But the truth is she knew him. After all, how could she forget him? That poor boy that had lost his parents the same night she lost hers. “Dick Grayson” she whispered inaudibly.

Grayson Cross Train Studio – Blüdhaven - Morning

The alarm made Dick jump. For a second, he thought he had just closed his eyes a couple of minutes ago. But when he checked the clock on his nightstand he realised he had been sleeping for at least three hours. A record this week, but still not enough to erase the dark rings under his blue eyes. He yawned but managed to get up even though his knee was still hurting. A splint and he hopefully would be ready to work.         He limped towards the windows and drew the curtains. The sun hidden behind the high buildings of the city centre was slowly rising, replacing the crazy noisy neon night and colouring the sky with yellow and orange shades. It was one of the many reasons he loved Blüdhaven and refused to call it Gotham’s little sister.             Blüdhaven was not Gotham. It didn’t look like her at all. Yes, crimes and lawlessness had given her this reputation of dangerous dark place but Blüdhaven was also this eternal patchwork of colours, a flashy skyline sparkling in the dark night in which even more colourful people were living. Blüdhaven was not just black and white, neon pink and blue.

Just like the sign on his windows, that Josh was staring at, happy that he had finally found the place after his GPS had got him lost at least twice. He opened the door and was immediately welcomed by a still sleepy yet smiley Dick who approached him to shake his hand. “Hi! You must be Josh” The ex-surgeon instantly noticed his splint but, out of respect, he just smiled and chose not to say a word though he thought Dick looked like he definitely needed medical advice. “Yeah. Sorry, I’m a bit late. I’m new in this city. Still got some orientation issues.” “ No worries. At least, I was able to take my time this morning. Plus the others are not here yet so … Coffee?” He nodded. Dick was a very warm and social man. His comfort and ease around people stroke Josh who wished for a second he was like this too. Even his voice was smooth and immediately gave him an incredible trustworthy and friendly vibe. “So you’re new in town?” Dick handed him a cup of hot coffee. “Yeah. We moved in few days ago.”         “ We, as in …”             “My girlfriend and I, Terry. I got a job opportunity, a huge contract from the mayor’s office to renovate the old harbour salt factory into a seaside resort. I’m an architect/ interior designer”       “ Wow. That’s looks like a huge work.” Dick took a sip of coffee as he massaged his knee, a gesture that caught again Josh’s attention. “It is and it’s taking me most of my time which is actually something I didn’t want to happen when I changed my career path. I was a surgeon at Metropolis Hospital.” “ Why that huge change?”       “ I did it for my girlfriend, mostly. We’ve been through a lot recently.” Sadness was suddenly in Josh’s deep brown eyes. He tried to conceal it behind a smile. “We needed a new start and I wonder ‘why not’” But Dick noticed, as he had been taught to discern every details. However, he knew how to react according to them. The man was basically a stranger so chatting about his personal problems was not a good idea. “And well, it looks like we’re getting better.” Good for you, lucky man. Dick winced as he crossed his leg. Stupid knee. “You know, you should see a doctor. You may need surgery… Medical advice.” Dick smiled slightly just to be polite but the truth is he was tired of people worrying about him. “It can wait.”

Dick’s phone rang, cutting short the conversation before it became too awkward. It was a text from Helen, one of his clients, a professional hockey player with gorgeous blue eyes, curly dark hair and a smooth mocha-coloured skin. “Car trouble. We will be late. Sorry <3”       “Looks like Helen and Wallace are going to be very late. So let’s start without them.”           “Looks like Helen digs you.” Josh winked as he noticed discreetly the heart at the end of the text. Dick scoffed and smiled. “She’s a cool girl but I’ve got no time for romance right now.” Josh shrugged. “Or you don’t want to take the time for some reason” The ex-trapeze artist was a bit surprised by the familiarity but better a weird too sociable client that than an introvert shy one, no? “Sorry that was inappropriate.”             “Actually you may be right.” Relieved, Josh smiled and dared ask “We should totally go out sometime. Terry and I haven’t get the chance to meet people since we arrived. And you seem like a pretty nice guy… You can ask Helen and Wallace to come as well … or other people, as you wish ” He winked with a smile. “Sure … why not.”

Blüdhaven Police Department – Afternoon

As soon as Terry opened the door, an intense cold invaded her body. For a second she wondered it was the low temperature in the room or the naked corpse on the table in front of her that was making her shiver. She opted for the last theory.     “ Detective Olsen. I was no expecting you so soon.” The coroner approached her with a smile and stretched out his hand to salute her. She did the same but quickly reconsidered when she noticed the blood on his glove. “Oh sorry.” He took it off, a bit embarrassed and finally shook her hand. “I just began the autopsy this morning right after I received the Examining Magistrate’s authorisation.” “ And? Have you found anything yet?”           “ I have indeed.” He waved her to come closer to the corpse and pointed at her slit neck. “She bled to death. I’m still trying to figure out what blade was used but the precision of the cut shows the killer took his time.”           “ His? How do you know?”     “The bruises on her jaw and on her wrists– beside the ones that show she had been tied up pre and post mortem – correspond to very large hands, definitively not female. I suppose the killer caught her wrists first to tie her up and then held her head to slit her throat while she was still alive.” Terry frowned and gulped, imagining the pain the girl must have endured. “But there is worse. Her abdomen was entirely cut in half after she died. The liver and the heart are gone.” He opened the abdomen a little to show her. Terry closed briefly her eyes, deeply disgusted. Poor woman. She was maybe guilty of what happened to Isaac but no one deserved to be treated this way. “Did you find anything that would allow us to track down the killer by any chance?”   “ No. Whoever did this is a professional. There is no DNA, nothing” Terry pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, frustrated and more than annoyed. “What’s this?” She pointed at a long red scar on Jane’s pale face.     “ That’s the creepiest part.” As if things were not already creepy enough. He turned Jane’s face to the side to show a thin cut all around the prostitute’s face. “It was made post mortem. It looks like the killer peeled off her face and then sewed it back”     “ What?” Her eyes widened. She had seen a lot in her young career and read a lot when she was a student but she had never heard or seen anything like this. “Sicko I know… And I also found this, in her mouth” It was a piece of paper. Words had been scribbled on it but the saliva had damaged it so much it was impossible to read. “I only found residues of food on it.”       “ May I take it?” She asked as she looked at the paper in the plastic bag.     “ Sure, yes. If you believe you can do something with it.”       “ I may know someone who can actually.”

Blüdhaven Police Department – Night

“ No. No way you’re staying here, Victoria’s Secret” Elise growled as she tried to make Terry go away, pulling her by the arm towards the door. “I don’t see why I couldn’t stay. I’d really like to talk to him myself about the case.”       “ I believe I can repeat everything you told me.” Svoboda insisted as she opened the door. “I’m not that sure to be honest. You seemed more interested in your burger than in the conclusions I had drawn from the autopsy and both kidnappings.”         “ Male. Serial offender. Possibly a resentful never-adopted orphan bla-bla-bla … See I listened to you.” “ Actually the bla-bla-bla part worries me.” Elise sighed and pushed the young woman before attempting to close the door to prevent her from coming back on the rooftop. “Fine, I’m leaving … But don’t forget to give him …” “ The paper. I know” The detective slammed the door and waited a little bit to make sure her colleague was gone. When she heard the footsteps going down the metallic stairs, she breathed out loudly, relieved she had succeeded in getting rid of her.       “ What paper?” Svoboda jumped and put her hand over her racing heart. It had skipped more than one beat, she was sure of it. “You’re going to give me heart attack one day, kiddo.” She groaned and looked up at the vigilante casually leant against the BPD flashing sign. “Don’t worry Elise, I have a defibrillator in my suit” She frowned, not really liking the joke but happy his usual cheerfulness was slowly resurfacing. “That was a joke.”           “ I know it was joke. But I’m not in a mood.”             “ I’m not really in the mood either.” He admitted before jumping from his spot to come down and meet her. “So what paper?”         “ This one.” She handed it to him. “Found in Anne Darrow’s mouth but the words have been erased because of the saliva. My colleague thought she could count on you to find out what was written.” “ Yeah I may know a way to do this.” He stared at the paper in the plastic bag. “Anything else?”             “ Well, Olsen drew some conclusions concerning our killer. She believes he is an orphan who was never adopted judging by the fact both the abducted kids were orphans”         “ Both?” Nightwing frowned, surprised by the words. “Yeah. A little girl was confirmed missing this morning. Chloe Lagrange.”     “ Why didn’t you tell me about this, earlier?” He growled, angry with the detective and with himself. Classical guilt. “Well, because I worked on the case all day as well.” She spat, not liking his tone at all. “Anyway, she also believes he had done this before considering his ‘modus operandi’. The killing of Jane was ‘very well calculated and conscientious. A professional work.' I’m just paraphrasing. He extracted her heart and liver and peeled off her face to sew it back like a real surgeon” “ Her face was peeled off?” His eyes widened. This detail was more important than Svoboda seemed to realise. “ Yeah… The guy is a real psycho”         “ Yeah and I know only one criminal capable of this … Barton Mathis aka Dollmaker.”

[ukulelewrites]

SFW Alphabet: Guanlin

A/N: so if any of you don’t know what this is, you can refer to this post that i made a while ago. pretty much i go through the alphabet bc each letter represents a word and i have to write 2-3 sentences for each word!

A/A/N: I’m also tagging @laji-101 bc I know she loves Guanlin~

AU: Werewolf!Guanlin would be such a puppy. He’d trail after you whenever you have food and even if you scold him (“No, Guanlin, you can’t have any of my ice cream bc it’s mINE”) he’d just unlease his puppy dog eyes on you until you caved in. He’s also the type to just lay on your couch for hours, but the moment he hears you say you’re headed to the park, he’s running after you. 

Best Friend: tbh i feel like Guanlin would be such a chill friend. He’s the type of friend that just kinda goes along with the flow for everything, so when you mention going to McDonald’s at 3am, he’s doWN. He’d also be a lil shit too, bc he knows he’s freakishly tall, so he’s the type to hold stuff high above your head, just to laugh at you struggling. 

Cuddles: Guanlin is a lil bub, okay? And lil bubs need their cuddles. Since he’s so obnoxiously tol, I feel like he’d want to be the big spoon, like, all of the time. He’s the type to like it when you press your back against his chest so his arm can just protectively swing over your waist. Plus, he’s not against pulling you by the waist against him whenever you try to get up and get water or some shit lmao

Domestic: okay Guanlin has confirmed himself he’s a lazy bub, so domesticnicity is on the lower end of the spectrum. Expect him to either be splayed out on the couch while you’re trying to vacuum or just with his arms wrapped around yoru waist as you’re trying to cook. The only time he’d actively help clean or cook is when you start whining about how high something is.

Ending: Guanlin is pretty young, and I feel like he’s probably not that experienced with relationships. Keeping that in mind, breaking up with someone might end up being difficult for him, but knowing how he can be quite blunt, I feel like he’d just end up saying “hey, let’s break up.” He’d def spend time talking to them about the why, but I feel like he’d be pretty set on his decision. 

Films: Guanlin gives me mad action movie fan vibes for some strange reason. Like, this boy would watch a James Bond movie and then proceed to creep around the house on his tiptoes like a “spy.” I also feel like he’d be into home movie nights bc he can fall asleep on the couch right after the movie ends lmao

Groupmates: Wanna One can be quite overwhelming to meet. 10 older brothers of your boyfriend? Wild, dude, hella wild. They’d all be clamoring around each other trying to introduce themselves to you before Minhyun and Jisung pull you aside to put down some ground rules. I also imagine a really pouty Jihoon sulking in the corner bc Guanlin found a new favorite person. 

Hugs: yes,,,that’s all I’m going to say lmao. But in all honestly, Guanlin is such a tol noodle I feel like hugs would be gr8, like, he’s the type to go all in on a hug, just wrap you tightly in his arms. Plus, once he gets super comfortable with you, expect random hugs every now and then (even the occasional hug where he gets a running head start and proceeds to knock the breath out of you bc he overestimated his speed and impact force lmao)

Intimate: Guanlin is still pretty young, so I expect blushy cheeks and adorable stuttering whenever you give him a kiss on the cheek or a backhug. However, that’s at the beginning of your blossoming relationship. Expect him to get cocky once the two of you are more comfortable, and he’d be the one to swoop down and give you a kiss. 

Jealousy: So I’m split 50/50 rn on Guanlin and jealousy. Like he’d either be chill on the outside about it, letting you do your thing and only voicing his jealousy when you’re alone. oR he’d end up being a pouty oversized baby during the entire time. Like, you know how long his limbs are? Expect them to be draped or wrapped around some part of your body lmao

Kisses: giGGLY MESS OKAY. He’d be all about that cupping your cheeks while kissing you slowly and smiling into the kiss a lot, letting a giggle slip when he opens his eyes and looks into yours. He’s the type to like to kiss you on the tip of your nose, especially when you scrunch it up bc he finds you soso cute. And he loves it when you kiss him on the cheek bc there’s something intimate yet sweet about the whole thing. 

Little Ones: Guanlin is practically a lil one okay? A very tol lil one, but a lil bab at the most. At first he’d be scared out of his mind bc “omg what if I break one of them????” But at the end of the day he’s got a kid clinging onto each leg and one on his shoulders as he stomps around the room imitating a freaking megazord or some ish.

Morning: Guanlin is on the lazier side lmao so mornings would be spent trying to convince him to wake up,,,which you fail at so the two of you just spend your mornings in bed. Cuddling is a must and him lazily brushing your hair behind your ear is a daily occurance. 

Night: Expect Netflix on the tv as the two of you cuddle under the blankets bickering over which character is better. I also can imagine him as the type to eat cereal or, like, instant noodles at 1am with you bc lmao time is just a construct. He’s also the type to like getting ready for bed, like yall brush your teeth together, wash your face together, all that jazz, but the moment his head hits the pillow it’s lights out.

Open: I see Guanlin as this really bright, happy boy, but I feel like it takes a lot for him to open up. Like at first he’d tell you the basics, favorite color, food, animal, just the superficial stuff first. However, as the months past and the conversations between you two grow into hours and hours of talking, he’d definitely be the type to talk about what he wants in life and his dreams and his fears as the two of you lay face to face on the bed.

Photographs: I feel like he wouldn’t be super into documenting your relationship. def bc he knows his hyungs would give him hella shit for it Like, he’d like taking pictures of you to keep on his phone, so he can look at them fondly while he’s away, but sharing them? Printing them out? Nah fam. He’d much rather keep your candids (usually cute, but he’s got that one pic of you shoving two cupcakes in your face and it’s game over there) to himself.

Quizzes: Guanlin sometimes seem kinda sleepy and unaware, but I feel like he’s really sharp? Like I feel like he’d know your favorite food at each restaurant and your favorite flowers and stuff like that, he’d just never use that information lmao. Yall would be going out to eat, and this boy knows your order by heart and all that, but he would never order for you even if you left to use the restroom. 

Rain: This boy likes his naps, so when the raindrops start pattering against the window, expect him to be sprawled out on the couch. He likes using you as his own personal teddy bear, and when you try to escape, he swings his leg over your body to trap you. So rainy days are spent with him nuzzling his face into your hair as he hums a soft melody.

Sleep: I feel like he’s a starfish kind of sleeper. His limbs are just so,,,,,long, like I can’t imagine him sleeping in a compact form lol. I also feel like he’s the type to random wake up in the middle of the night randomly and start mumbling before going back to sleep. Like yall would be sleeping, 3am hits, and this boy wakes up and starts talking about Seonho and then just goes right back to sleep lol.

Try: I feel like he’d try to his best abilities. He’d probably go to his hyungs and ask for advice, regret his actions, and then consult the internet lmao. He’s a chill bf most of the time, but he knows on anniversaries and stuff those have to be special. But he plans those to be chill too, like dinner at your fave place or maybe a really cute park date with candles and stuff.

Ugly: This isn’t a really ugly habit, but he has a habit of putting things on the highest shelf. Like, yeah, it’s convenient for him, but when you crave chips, you don’t want to put in extra effort to get them lol. I also feel like he’s the type to drink milk straight out of the carton, and that’s just unsanitary. 

Victorious: yES, I feel like he enjoys at home kind of dates, so video game night is a must. He prefers playing Mario Kart, but after you beat him for the 100th time, he decided to stop playing that game with you on date nights. I also feel like he’s the type to just start 1v1 basketball in the park on day with you. he probs won but if you win he’d be highkey proud

Winter: Cold weather? He probably likes going to small cafes and bakeries to drink hot cocoa and eat pastries while watching the snowflakes fall outside. Also, expect a giant snowman to be built before all the snow melts. Plus, he’ll randomly start snowball fights, so always be prepared, aLWAYS.

Xtra: He probably really enjoys dog videos. Like, this boy is practically a giant pup himself, so watching actual pups do adorable pup things? Def his aesthetic. Expect him to run up to you with his phone one day and shove it right under your nose so you can bask in the adorableness too.

Yuck: I feel like Guanlin doesn’t like it when people aren’t straight up honest with him. Like yeah, he understands sometimes there are occasions where lying is okay, but he would def hate it if you did something bad and either put off from telling him or tried to skirt around the truth. He’s honest with you, so he expects you to be honest with him.

Zodiac: So, according to the internet, Guanlin is a Libra. However, I don’t feel like he fits it exactly. Yes, he is shown to be cooperative and sociable, but Guanlin doesn’t do self-pity. He doesn’t dwell on “oh, woe is me” he works on improving himself as a person. I feel like Guanlin legit would not care what zodiac you were, as long as you were nice and caring he’s down.

[chaoticremedy]

Dear Loved One

This letter was found by my community, we believe it was originally posted regarding fibro, however over the years it’s been modified by EDSers - and I modified it personally to fit me…

  Dear Loved one,

Having Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, the Vascular type in my case, means that many things change. Just because you can't see the changes doesn't mean they aren't real.

Most people don't understand much about this disability/disease and its effects, and of those that think they know many are actually misinformed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand…

  ... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...

I am scared. I don't know what the future holds for me. Will I end up in a wheelchair or will I be one of the lucky ones. If you find me being quiet and reflective, please don't think I am upset with you. I am trying to sort out my fears. Having the vascular type can be even more severe than other EDS types - My veins can tear and burst, and organs can rupture at any time - this is my new reality.

I am angry. EDS has taken so much away from me. I can no longer do many of things I enjoy doing. I sometimes have difficulty just completing simple tasks. If I appear angry please understand it is EDS I am angry with, not you. A cough caused me to tear an artery, I’ve been forced to turn into a hypochondriac, I’m angry at my body, not you.  I am blessed to have an amazing support system, but that doesn’t help the anger. I’m angry with every drastic pain I have to go to the ER to make sure it’s not vascular.

Please understand that having EDS doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day being very careful about what I do, and if you visit I might not seem like much fun to be with, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school, work and my family and friends etc, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.

Please don't assume you know what is best for me. EDS has affected my joints, veins, organs, and such, not my mind. I am capable of making my own decisions. If I make the wrong decision, it is I who has to deal with the consequences. I still want to be part of the "gang." Please continue to invite me to participate in activities. I'll decide if I am capable of it. You may think you are being considerate by not inviting me to go ice-skating with everyone else, but it hurts when you exclude me. Maybe I can't skate with everyone else but I can bring the hot chocolate and watch.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't. Don't offer me sympathy; I don't want your pity. But do offer me support and understanding, which I appreciate. I know sometimes I look perfectly healthy, but looks can be deceiving. Please understand that I am dealing with invisible pain and a lot of fatigue. Even on a good day I feel like you do when you have the flu (tired, achy and sore). Please keep that in mind.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years (EDS is genetic, this means I have had it since birth (even if I was only diagnosed recently, I have been suffering from this since I was born)). I can't be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. I may be tired. I may be in pain. I may be sicker than ever. Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!" I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome to.

Please don't tell me how “Auntie Mary” cured her joint problems by drinking vinegar or any other supposed remedy. If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought; and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because at first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. There is NO cure for EDS (and until they find the exact genes causing it and technology and medicine get to a point where something can be done about this, there will be no cure), only some of my symptoms and pain can be treated. If there was something that helped, then myself and other suffers would know about it (this is part of the reason I am a member of the online communities I am a member of). This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with similar and different chronic illnesses and disabilities, and if something worked we would know about it. If after reading this, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it if you must. Preferably in writing and accompanied by the scientific papers that prove it works. But don't expect me to rush out and try it. I might not even reply. If I haven't had it or something like it suggested before, and it sounds reasonable, I'll probably take what you said and discuss it with my doctor.

I want you to know that the pain and instability etc from EDS moves around. Please don't attack me when I'm worse by saying, “But you did it before!”. If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. Just because I climbed the stairs yesterday (or an hour ago) doesn't mean I can do it today (or in another hour). Yesterday (or earlier) my shoulder was throbbing; today (now) it is my knee, who knows what it will be tomorrow (or later). Also understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for ten minutes, or an hour. It's quite likely that doing those five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to EVERYTHING that I do.

Similarly, EDS and the symptoms of it may vary suddenly, meaning I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please do not take it personally.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. EDS may cause a secondary/reactive depression (wouldn't you get depressed occasionally if you had a body that could change suddenly for no reason, caused you pain 24/7 and could spontaneously rearrange itself through no fault of you own) but they are not caused by depression. Telling me that I need some fresh air and exercise is not correct and probably not appreciated - if I could possibly do it then, I would.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something else more exciting. EDS does not forgive its victims easily.

Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well from EDS it is incurable (and genetic, so unless I can change my gene’s I cannot change my disease/disorder). With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But an important part of having a chronic illness or disability like EDS is coming to the realization that you have to spend energy on having a life while you're sick/disabled. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with EDS or any chronic illness/disability.

As you can see EDS really Sucks...

Finally, please remember that I am the same person I was before I was diagnosed with (started getting symptoms of) this; EDS doesn't change the heart and soul. I still laugh, I still cry. I still love and I still hate. I am me, I am not my disease. Please continue to love me just as you did before. I need lots of love, understanding, support and hugs, just like you.

But most importantly, I need you to understand me....

  And an added note: Please ask me questions if you want to know. I want more people to know about and understand EDS,  I’ll never turn you down or ignore you, EDS is a rare disease that many don’t know about - I’m happy to share my knowledge and experiences with you.

[semi-neurotic-blog]

all even numbers for the ask thing,,, its only fair :P

2. What is the meaning of your name?

Tanay, it means son. My parents named their son, son. 20000000 points to Gryffindor for originality.

4. What was the best gift you ever received?

Can it be an emotional thing like the love and adoration of @mrrhhh​ but if you want a physical thing as a gift, um idk all the musical instruments in my house.

6. What was the best advice you’ve ever received?

Take the risk, because then at least you have a chance of succeeding.

8. What is your favorite word?

Egg. You can make some eggciting puns with that word.

10. What is your favorite lie?

That people actually care about me. But I see through your ruse, you liars.

12. What is your favorite animated cartoon?

Danny Phantom

14. What is your favorite season?

Winter/Autumn

16. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

Reinforced plasterboard

18. What is the perfect number of hours to sleep?

I am not qualified to answer that question.

20. What is the best way to fix a broken heart?

Duct tape

22. What is the one thing you want most in your life right now?  

@mrrhhh​

24. What is something you have lost, that you wish you could get back?

My will to live.

26. What’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

I can sing lowkey well.

28. What’s a subject you wish you knew more about?

Maths

30. What’s the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to you?

idk you tell me

32. What is the world’s best song to dance to?

Toxic by Britney Spears

34. What’s your main rule in life?

When in doubt, C4

36. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

That I exist

38. What are you terrible at but love to do anyway?

Play music

40. What are you grateful for?

@mrrhhh​

42. What are your super cheap great gift ideas?

TIM TAM’S

44. What song cheers you up?

idrk

46. What art form do you like best?

Graphic pop art

48. What chocolate is your favorite?

Milk

50. What always sounds like a good idea but never actually is?

Being alive

52. What does your inner voice tell you?

Die, Tanay, Die

54. What three countries would you most like to visit?  

Don’t really mind if @mrrhhh​ is there

56. What do you most value in your friends?

Personality, respect and insight

58. Who did you last say “I love you” to?

@mrrhhh​

60. Who or what made you smile today?

@mrrhhh​

62. Who has the most beautiful eyes?

@mrrhhh​

64. Where do the happiest people live?

In their own head

66. Would you follow the white rabbit?

Who knows, I’d have to roll a D20 to choose.

68. Would you rather be a lonely genius, or a sociable idiot?  

Lonely genius, I don’t like deviating from what I’m used to

70. How did you come up with your username?

Um… A song called Semi-Automatic by twentyonepilots combined with with word neurotic which is synonymous to mentally 

72. How long does it take to really ‘know’ someone?

You will never truly know someone because everyone is constantly changing

74. How do you know when you’re in love?

When parts of your happiness are derived from the happiness of others

76. How can we be sure that we really love someone?

(refer to question 74)

78. Do you follow your brain or your heart?

Both

80. Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry?

Silver

82. Do you think you’re brave?

In some matters

84. Which is the most delicious food for you?  

idrk

86. Would you rather be a tiny elephant or a giant hamster?  

TINY ELEPHANT

88. What would you be doing right now if the internet didn’t exist?

Reading

90. Share something you’re grateful for today.

@mrrhhh​

92. Shall we look for love, wait for love or forget totally about it?

Totally forget about it. Happiness is found when you least expect it. Furthermore, find yourself someone who loves you as you, not you when you are trying to assimilate to someone else.

94. Describe your life in five words?

WHAT. NO. STOP. PLEASE. HELP.

96. Post a picture of your favorite sci-fi character!

I mean the TARDIS, she is her own character and she is amazing. FITE ME.

98. Is there anything so precious to you that you’d risk your life for it?

@mrrhhh, my close friends and that sort of stuff

100. Have you ever given up on someone? Why?  

No, everyone deserves to be believed in

102. If you were granted an autograph from anyone, who would it be?  

Me from the future, so I can create a time paradox

104. If you could have any wild animal as a pet what would it be?

Wolf

106. If you could listen to only one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?

idrk

108. If you could tell someone something anonymously, what would it be?  

@mrrhhh That I’m coming for them… then come for them and give them a hug…

110. If you could ask one person one question and get a completely honest answer who would it be and what would you ask?

Me from the future… How do I lead a better future?

[intriga-hounds]

Hello! I wanted to pop in and ask you some technical questions. How did you go about finding your breeder for Sivi? And, if you don't mind me asking, how much was he? What was the paper work like to get him? Thanks so much! Hope you're having a great day! Give Sivi some scratches for me!

Hi!!!!!! I’m going to have to start off by saying that I don’t think my breeder was the typical silken breeder LOL………within a few minutes of talking to me, she decided I could have a puppy and even that I could choose him myself. Which is not really typical. A lot of breeders have a questionnaire for you to fill out, or have to know you, and most of them will choose your puppy FOR you, which tbh is what I expected and what I wanted. Some of it had to do with my breeder’s personality–she’s just extremely laid-back–but a lot, I think, had to do with her current circumstances. After Sivi’s mom got pregnant, my breeder had to deal with a wave of tragedy. She lost her brother, for one thing, shortly after the puppies were born. She was also taking care of her father. She already had suffered the recent loss of her mother and was taking care of her husband, who had a brain aneurysm some time ago. Then while still looking for homes for puppies, she dislocated her shoulder. She also discovered one puppy had a problem with one of his eyes. So tbh I don’t think her situation was at all typical. Also, I found her quite by chance. She posted on the Silken Windhound Puppies page on FB that she was about to have a litter of ten. Pretty much no one knew about it bc her presence in the silken world is pretty quiet. This was her first, and probably only, litter. 

But the mama (Morgandell Sunrise Surprise) was a puppy from two dogs I really liked and had stared at longingly on the internet haha…….it did feel a little meant to be, considering her location, timing, and my current living situation. I messaged Leslie about the litter, I visited 4-5 times while the puppies were growing up, and I chose Sivi because he was one of only two pups that really seemed to want to engage with me on a consistent basis. The other pup who always wanted my attention was a little Too Much and Leslie assured me that he was going to be a handful, so I went with Sivi, who was more toned down, while still maintaining that confidence and sociability I liked. They were, of course, all really sweet dogs and it was hard to make a decision, especially since I had over half the litter to choose from! 

Anyway, I think what you can typically expect is to message/email a few different breeders, fill out questionnaires, talk a lot with the breeders you like best, and wait a at least a few months for the right puppy. Sivi was $1500 and that is pretty typical. Some go for less, some go for more, some even go for free, but I usually see it around $1500. Sivi does have a brother who would go for much less, though, since he’s partially blind in one eye. Anywayyyyy that’s enough rambling. Best thing to do would be to join all the silken pages on FB and scope out breeders and owners in your area. If you post asking to meet silkens, people are usually very excited to meet you and let you see their dogs. Another good person to ask on Tumblr would be @silkenagentsofcsbeck, who is a silken breeder in PA. He is who @bandizoi got Obie from!!! You can also talk to @crawshayi about her experience; she has one of Sivi’s sisters, but had her shipped up to Washington state! If you wanna chat off anon and lmk where you’re located, I can also let you know if I’m aware of any breeders near you. 

Overall, I’m very green when it comes to silkens, and even owning dogs in general, so go out there and start talking to lots of people!!!

EDIT: I’m gonna add @the-pasta-pack who has a puppy from Clayborn and @inautumndays who has two from Satsuma and @ofcarnivora I just realized I don’t know where Pod is from, but those are some other people off the top of my head who own silkens! Lots more around here too. :)

[qoxie]

'Cross Country' Yeeun: "My love-hate relationship with music" (@Star1 magazine April issue full cast interview)

@Star1 | 2017.03.29 | Translated by qoxie

Yeeun from Wonder Girls, Bohyung from Spica, singer Suran & actress Kang Han-Na went on a music journey together. Four seemingly different people accompanied each other to travel across California in MBC Every1's Cross Country show. It was interesting to see how their awkwardness gradually disappeared as they became closer. What about the magical music born out of those little moments? From flying out to returning home, they reminisced about their trip to California.

Q: Four seemingly incompatible people met each other.

Bohyung: It was easier to break the ice since we’re similar in age. Making music together was also resonating. I created many special memories.

Suran: It's been a while since my last trip. I didn't know what to expect at first. It was a little worrying since I haven’t mixed with such different female entertainers on a variety show. I tried harder to find common ground when we were together, so I really got to know them in the end. California was also memorable, & I think I've made lasting friends.

Han-Na: Out of the four of us, I think mine was the most preposterous situation. Haha. Fine, it's supposed to be a music journey. Writing songs, jamming with foreign musicians. But what am I supposed to go if things go wrong? That was a concern. So our time together was quite novel & special for me.

Yeeun: I was initially unsure. No idea if we could get along. Turned out everyone shared various middle grounds. Like how I could connect with Hanna about acting, & with Suran & Bohyung about music. I could also empathize with Bohyung about being part of a girlgroup.

Q: I'm curious about your first impressions. Your first impressions & who turned out to be the most different.

Bohyung: Suran unni. My first impression was that she was very standoffish. Also, I thought Yeeun was very frosty, although I could also sense that she is very charismatic.

Suran: Everyone proved to be the opposite. In particular, Yeeun turned out to be quite coy. She looked like the haughty type. I was very surprised at how sociable she is, how gregarious her personality is. She's very caring. Bohyung is so chic. Everyone has different traits that made them interesting.

Han-Na: My first impression of Suran unni was her music. The vocalist unni who sang the SBS Jealousy Incarnate OST, which evoked such a mysterious & veiled feeling. During the trip, she turned out to be friendly, outgoing & totally lovable.

Yeeun: Han-Na. Because Han-Na is an actress, I figured her to be a little icy & snobbish. But she turned out to be easygoing, & a genuine friend for life. She's so good at self-management, is very zealous about learning, & would always work hard. The filming was tough, but it was also serendipitous to discover what the cast members were really like.

Q: The music & travel aspect is refreshing. What made you decide to appear in it?

Bohyung: I wanted to do it because it was a first attempt at combining music & documentary. Wherever there's music, it's definitely going to be good.

Suran: I didn't think too hard before making up my mind. It was going to be about music & travel. The original plan was more a documentary. A music journey. So I agreed to appear. My companions also liked it. I went there to create something artistic. Making music on the road. After the show is aired, I get to release my song.

Han-Na: The music & travel aspect was very prominent. I've never seen it tried before. I'm an avid viewer of the EBS World Theme Travel show, so I'm already very positive about travel shows. Made my decision even easier.

Yeeun: Above all else, I love to travel abroad. Haha. The weather in California was also superb. I’m already yearning to visit again.

Q: What was the most lasting memory after the filming?

Bohyung: Playing with the musicians at the vineyard. The leisurely life & overall optimism at the vineyard was very inspiring.

Suran: I also love the vineyard. Playing guitar spontaneously with the vineyard boss & his friends was unforgettable. We really befriended many people across California. It fits the show’s purpose very well.

Han-Na: I'm no different. Haha. It’s the vineyard for me. There were no mobile phones or Internet there. Just nature, music, & us with guitars. Just thinking about it is blissful.

Yeeun: Me too! I've been to many cities, but the vineyard was a first. The sunshine was filtering through the leaves. The wine tasted very special too.

Q: Traveling with strangers couldn't have been easy. What were the inconveniences?

Bohyung: None at all. It felt like a real excursion, & not just for filming’s sake.

Suran: It was as I anticipated, because everyone were looking out for each other. I reached out to them. There were no major inconveniences.

Han-Na: We hit it off after we met. The four of us sharing our accommodation was a breeze. Perhaps the director sensed the common denominator in all of us?

Yeeun: I didn't feel uncomfortable. Maybe the others did because of me. Haha. Like my driving skills. All of us roomed together on the first day, then split into pairs after that. It was fun hanging out before we went to sleep.

Q: What were your takeaways from this trip?

Bohyung: The free time. I got to reflect a lot during the trip, & to resolve some complex stuff. Like mulling over how to move forward, & which direction to take.

Suran: Making friends. I'm the oldest, but I’m not that savvy. There were a lot of good advice & shared anecdotes during the filming. That was most rewarding. I was also a little jaded, & the trip rejuvenated me. Haha. It was really a healing experience.

Han-Na: I was humming more than usual? I found myself crooning more songs. There was so much music during the trip. Singing heartily while driving, the time of the year, the heavenly feeling, & the sunsets will always stay with me.

Yeeun: Making friends, above all. Suran unni, Bohyung, Hanna. I don't have many celebrity girlfriends. Neither do I tend to take the initiative. I don't easily trust people either. It was a short trip, but we built a lot of mutual trust & rapport.

[YEEUN]

Q: This was your first project after Wonder Girls disbanded. The filming must have felt different.

A: We broke up only after the filming. I wasn’t prognosticating too much then, & flew over in a relaxed mood. I wasn't bent on showing something or flaunting my independence. I just went with a light heart.

Q: You were the only original Wonder Girls member who didn't leave or enter the group later. That was such a pity.

A: There will always be moments when I feel sorry. I also have other disappointments, wondering what to do next. But we decided to do it out of consideration for one another. It was for the sake of everyone. Rather than lament, I prefer to look ahead. The other members also felt the same, wanting to think more about the future.

Q: Everyone in California seemed to have reflected a lot.

A: When Wonder Girls was preparing I Feel You for the album, there was a really bad practice day & all four of us just fled. In fact, we were wearing the same T-shirt that day. We decided to leave for Wolmido Island immediately. Haha. We headed to the seaside, took photos, ate delicious food, went on the amusement rides, & created vivid memories.

Q: Musicians seem to have different passions for music. What is music to Yeeun?

A: A love-hate relationship. Sometimes it's too good, sometimes it's loathsome. That's how it is. But I keep worrying. Why do I keep making music, & how long can I do it? Yet, I always have this conviction that, without music, I won't be a better person than what I am now.

Q: What kind of music do you want to try in the future?

A: If Wonder Girls was deemed to make music that the public likes, then I now want to make music that I like myself. I won't be limited to genres, & I'm going to explore new things.

[BOHYUNG]

Q: This year was Spica's fifth anniversary. This trip seemed to be a very special journey for Bohyung.

A: We're focusing on individual activities. Spica wants to look good when we get another shot. I'm preparing for a musical & solo activities.

Q: It was a pity to see such a talented group disband. Why did you break up?

A:  We didn't disband. Both the agency & us want to do different things at the moment. After it's sorted out with the agency, we want the group to unite again if we’re given another chance.

Q: I'm curious about your solo plans.

A: I want to make an album, & start connecting with the fans through small shows. I want to make music for myself. I’m open to all genres, but it has to be positive music. I like the major & funky genres. Soul music is also great.

Q: How does Bohyung imagine to have Spica re-emerge again?

A: Maybe as married ajummas? Haha. It'll be fun to reconvene, perform together &, if the opportunity arises, clown around on a TV show. Won't that be something.

Q: If you have something to say to the fans.

A: We'll see you again. I want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we didn't meet your expectations.

[SURAN]

Q: You've received approaches from hip-hop artists like Primary, Zico, Beenzino & Yankie. What is Suran's charm that draws so much love from such rappers?

A: Well, I have a distinctive voice but I prefer to focus more on the music, to furbish it aesthetically & hone in on the result. I want the music to be the main character. The producers also seem to like this, & thus give me opportunities to collaborate.

Q: Hip-hop, R&B & pop music form a wide range. You have extraordinary talent for music.

A: I never thought I was that special. It's been a while since I did those. I gained different experiences from such explorations. Playing with jazz & rock bands also expanded my versatility & fueled my learning. The musical part is just me verbalizing. Haha. My personality is multifaceted. I'm just a sucker for good music. No bias about what I should & shouldn't like.

Q: Any memorable artists whom you collaborated with?

A: I can't think of anyone specific. It's all about synergy, & the most striking one was with Primary. I learned so much, & it was so professional. He helped me get to where I am today. As producers, they let me know early what was important between the vocals & the music, & it's easy to work from there. In that sense, Beenzino also left a lasting impression on me.

Q: Is there a Cross Country member you want to collaborate musically with?

A: We collaborated together during the show. If we do it again, I think it'll be better in a different style. I also want to create some songs on my own. If I work with Yeeun, I want to try pop music or casual music [deep house?].

[KANG HAN-NA]

Q: I was quite surprised when I first saw only one actor on the cast list.

A: I was surprised too. I don't play music. Was I going to serve as the public eye during the trip? I'm musically illiterate but when I got to sing, I was participating on behalf of the public.

Q: Was it lonely to travel with the singers?

A: Never. There was no loneliness. We didn't divide ourselves as actors & singers. When we interacted, we treated each other like peers. I wish I had felt lonely. Haha.

Q: You seem to have great rapport with IU. Did she offer any special advice?

A: No special advice. Before the trip, she wished me bon voyage in a unni way, & I thanked her.

Q: How do you think this trip will inspire your acting?

A: The healing. The travel itself was self-healing, & the time taken was totally worth it. It appears the TV viewers were similarly satisfied. Just recalling these memories will rejuvenate me during my acting.

[dunntown]

SuperUnKnown - R.I.P. Chris Cornell

“I woke the same as any other day

except a voice was in my head

it said, “Seize the day, pull the trigger

Drop the blade and watch the rolling heads.”

A BiPolar perspective to Chris Cornell’s death.

Thursday, May 18th, 2017 - It was around 7:45 in the morning. I silenced the alarm on my phone, hushing the soothing sounds of Fat Mike from NoFx’s voice as he wakes me most mornings lately with the lyrics “One morning I woke up, scratched my balls and eyes..” This being the opening lines to the song “I don’t like me anymore.”, It’s sort of appropriate for a guy who struggles with bipolar disorder and depression. I decided to go about my morning routine of scrolling through and deleting the massive amounts of spam mail I seem to get while I sleep. The first thing I saw, however, was a newsletter from my local rock station. “BREAKING: Chris Cornell Dead”. I just sort of sat there for a moment, wondering what kind of dead celebrity hoax this was. Chris Cornell, the guy who was a monstrous part of my musical adventure as a teen was dead. It was so strange, he seemed so healthy. He didn’t seem to have any real drug or alcohol problems that I ever recall reading or hearing about. It was a bit jarring. 

I proceeded to flip through the various news sites, sort of exposing myself to as much input as possible into how one of my favorite songwriters had met his demise at the age of 52. It’s important to note something to those reading this who may not realize what it was like for those of us on April 8th, 1994. I was in 6th grade. My childhood friend Lonzo Jones, a guy who sadly is no longer with us, rushed up to me as I left a class and said “Dude, did you hear? Kurt Cobain is dead!” I was really confused then, and I had to wait all day to hear more when MTV delivered updates via the broadcasting of Kurt Loder. I think it’s important to explain why that moment is so memorable because I feel like May 18th will always be the day that Chris Cornell died for me. (I’m aware Joy Division’s Ian Curtis lost his battle with depression on this day 37-years ago as well). 

Chris Cornell, the powerful, dynamic singer whose band Soundgarden was one of the architects of grunge music, died on Wednesday night in Detroit hours after the band had performed there. He was 52.

The death was a suicide by hanging, the Wayne County medical examiner’s office said in a statement released on Thursday afternoon. It said a full autopsy had not yet been completed.

Mr. Cornell’s representative, Brian Bumbery, said in a statement that the death was “sudden and unexpected.”

I read this and many other write-ups like it. “Suicide” and “Sudden and Unexpected” are the two things that stand out to a guy like me the most. I haven’t been one to shy away from the fact I suffer from mental illness. (more on this in a moment.) The stories kept coming in that Chris had hung himself and almost immediately the internet was awash with more commentary and the gushing of fans. I wasn’t aware I knew so many fans of his work. It’s strange how that happens. It’s even stranger than that as I sat and went over some comic work I am trying to catch up on, the one person I kept thinking about was a friend I had in middle school named Gary Gilbert. Gary was without a doubt the biggest Soundgarden fan. We used to have weird “grunge rock wars” about who was better as I was a devout Nirvana fan and he was all Soundgarden. I almost immediately thought about “I wonder how Gary is taking it?”. This led me to do something I haven’t ever done in my life. I searched for him and sent him a friend request on facebook. So, here I am, wondering about how a guy I haven’t spoken to in 20-years at least is feeling about the death of Chris Cornell. 

I guess this history lesson wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t explain one of the things about why I loved and adored the grunge scene so much. I missed the punk scene. However, I totally would never have known about punk music if not for bands like Nirvana, Mudhoney, and Soundgarden. I didn’t learn about the Sex Pistols until I heard Kurt Cobain talk about them in an interview in 1992. Grunge was my gateway drug backward into my obsession with Punk and Hardcore. 

So, I now come to the first real part of this blog. Grief is weird. I believe a big part of the process is trying to reconcile to yourself that this is a permanent fixture in your life. You go your whole life taking advantage of these artists and actors and musicians... Then, poof!

I loved Chris Cornell’s work. I personally believe out of every grunge era musician, he was probably the most well rounded of all of them. His voice is capable of giving me goosebumps and some songs will forever resonate with me. Soundgarden was the middle man of Grunge. It bridged the gap between Punk/Sludge/Noise rock from bands like The Melvins and Sonic Youth to the more commercially recognized bands of Nirvana, Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam. Soundgarden plays loud, hard, yet poetic rock. Their music was built on Led Zeppelin, Hardcore Punk, and Black Sabbath. They defied the expectation of what a “Grunge” band was and stood out among their Seattle scene as the toughest machine in town. Chris Cornell’s thunderous, multi-octave vocals pierced the souls of all of the angst-ridden and angry youth who also weren’t finding solace in the nonsensical poetries of other bands at that time. Cornell’s lyricism is some of the most well-versed poetry I’ve ever heard. Cornell spoke to kids with depression through experience, and told stories of sardonic nihilism, inner torment and defined the battles of depression as beautifully catatonic waves of torment. 

Cornell spoke to me... 

"Whatsoever I've feared has come to life. Whatsoever I've fought off became my life. Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded. And now I'm doing time 'cause I fell on black days."

When I was in high school, I thought there was something wrong with me. It was always a roller coaster ride of emotion. I’d always suppress it and I got really good at it. In 10th grade, a good friend of mine named Robert Patton killed himself. It really shook our school, and today, when I read the report about Chris Cornell’s suicide. I immediately remembered what our Principal had said to us about Robert’s death. 

“sudden and unexpected.”

Robert was a fun kid. We laughed and talked about all kinds of crap. I never saw it coming. He seemed so happy... He didn’t seem damaged or broken, not like how I felt. However, I bet you not many of my friends knew I was depressed back then either. I am bipolar and suffer from bouts of depression and mania. I also suffer from clinical anxiety and have ADHD. I’m a cocktail of neuroticism and to this day can’t believe my current and/or ex Wife/Girlfriends haven’t murdered me in my sleep. 

One of the things I decided this morning was that if the facts came out and they said he had indeed committed suicide, I’d write this version of the blog. I wanted to make sure it held a clear message about mental illness and hopefully could help someone. 

I always get asked, “What’s it like?”

So, here is the best way to explain how it all works. Mania is sort of this awesome high. You have energy and motivation, and you just don’t want to stop. Couple that up with ADHD and sometimes it creates severe problems. You’ve now lost your impulse control, so for example. I wanted to find a particular record. (Led Zeppelin 4) I decided to hit a pawn shop and a couple thrift shops. Waste a couple hours and get home for dinner. I was severely manic that day though and my ADHD coupled with it made me hit every thrift shop, pawnshop, and anywhere else I thought I might find it. I searched for 6-hours before Aly (wife) made me buy it offline. 

The best part of mania is the optimism, you could literally burn down your home and just go “We can rebuild it and make it better too!”. I’m also much more on point creatively. I get so many ideas, so many great moments of artistic expression. Sometimes being manic is like a comic creator's super power. When Mania strikes, I do as much as possible to capitalize on it. 

I feel more outgoing, charismatic, secure in who I am and what I am doing. I feel like I can do anything. I wake up with a drive and determination to get things done, and I just go and go and GO. I am way more sociable, I talk too much, I dominate conversations, I interject when I don’t need to. I can’t keep on topic cause my brain is working faster than the conversation that is happening. I sometimes depress myself thinking back on these times as well. Sometimes, you just can't recognize when you’re being “TOO MUCH” for some people.  During manic spells, I feel like Superman. I can do anything, my self-esteem is up, I can conquer the world. However, the major dread of anyone who recognizes their mania is that we know it’s only a matter of time before we crash. The thing about mania that is so appealing is that without the highs of manic episodes, I don’t think I could tolerate the lows of depression.

I've givin' everything I need. I'd give you everything I own. I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone. I've given everything I could to blow it to hell and gone. Burrow down and blow up the outside world."

The point of this is to discuss why Chris Cornell could have been suicidal, depressed, and mentally ill... and no one would have known. In the song “Fell on Black Days” he basically defines what it feels like to fall into depression from a manic episode. 

When my depression kicks in, I am just intolerable. I want to be left alone, but not too alone. I want to not exist, but I fear not being remembered. I don’t want to go anywhere, but I don’t want to be here. When people talk to me, I feel they are judging me, chastising me, making me feel like I am incapable of doing anything right. It becomes really easy to hide.  Seeing people be happy is the worst, It annoys me and makes me angry. It reminds me that I am broken and that my bipolar disorder is always there. I’ll always have instability and the most annoying part is the people who tell me “Cheer up!” as if it was that easy. The nuances of daily life also begin to start dragging my mood deeper into the void. This is where suicide becomes... endearing.  I’ve contemplated suicide pretty much during every depressive state. I have tricks, mechanisms to break my thought process. My kids. Music. Art. Comics. Writing. Sex. All of these are ways I trick my brain into walking away from the ledge. If I feel I am not able to do it alone, I’ll sometimes text, message or call a friend. This is that exposing my own personal life part. If any of my friends read this and you ever complain to yourself. “Why does Martin call me and just not have anything to say?” It’s because if I'm on the phone with you, I'm not self-harming. I am very cognitive of my mental state and I am very good at keeping it in check. Sadly, some are not. Some fight for a very long time and some give up. Robin Williams comes to mind. 

"Boiling heat, summer stench 'neath the black. The sky looks dead. Call my name through the cream. And I'll hear you. Scream again. Black hole sun won't you come and wash away the rain? Black hole sun won't you come? Won't you come?"

I sometimes imagine what it’s like for normal people. I imagine they deal with stress and anger and anxiety in a much different way. If I told you that I sometimes have gotten so angry I’ve punched myself in the face, causing damage to my teeth... Would that make sense? I have bad teeth, and some people have asked me why. Why are they chipped? Why are you missing one? They don’t look unbrushed. It’s because I used to punch myself in the face. It was reactionary and really destructive and thankfully, I’ve not done that in a very long time. Don’t get me wrong, I totally do have my “normal” days. I get to have them every so often. I think it’s why I take so much pleasure in the little things.  I think Chris Cornell gave into his depression. I think he let go of his fight because like anyone who suffers from clinical depression will tell you. Sometimes, when you look into the future, you can’t see anything but a cold, dead, blackness. 

The night before his death, Cornell performed in front of a sold-out show in front of a legion of fans. He lasted longer than his grunge brethren like Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Shannon Hoon, and most recently Scott Weiland. Cornell experienced almost 2x the life as some of these tragic artists. He was very much alive to all that looked upon him that night as he played them out to a cover of Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time of Dying”. His haunting words catching me in the heart were “I feel bad for the next city.”. I would have bought every album as I always did of Cornell’s work until he hung it up. His future was to be that of an aged and grizzled rock vet, strumming an acoustic guitar and telling us more stories about his inner battle with his own demons. I always envisioned Chris Cornell being my generations Jonny Cash. That, sadly, will never be the case. 

A lot of you, my fellow fans have been asking “why?”. 

You will never truly understand the answers to that question if you do not grasp the silent killer that is mental illness. Chris Conell will go down in legend as one of the best singers and songwriters of Rock & Roll. 

"I got up feeling so down. I got off being sold out. I've kept the movie rolling. But the story's getting old now. I just looked in the mirror. Things aren't looking so good. I'm looking California and feeling Minnesota. So now you know, who gets mystified. Show me the power child. I'd like to say that I'm down on my knees today. It gives me the butterflies, gives me away till I'm up on my feet again. I'm feeling outshined."

RIP

Chris Cornell

If you’re ever struggling emotionally or going through a tough time, you can always call Call 1-800-273-8255 Available 24 hours everyday! National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

- Martin Dunn

[preserving-ferretbrain]

Actually I Quite Liked It

by Wardog

Thursday, 10 September 2009

Wardog has *also* been reading Sarah Rees Brennan's The Demon's Lexicon...~

I guess I have some kind of semi, self-destructive obsession with books written by ex-members of the Harry Potter fandom, and I’m wondering whether I need to get treatment for it. Although I think a healthier way of looking at it may be that I’m still desperately seeking an antidote to

Cassandra Clare

. Today’s victim is The Demon’s Lexicon, written by Sarah Rees Brennan. As usual, I am vaguely aware of The Name, but from what little I have read of her on the internet, I’ve had her pegged in my head as “basically the narrator from I Capture the Castle.” The problem with extremely charming people is that they always bring out the worst in me. It’s partially jealousy, I'm sure, but it tends to result in me getting up some kind private, psychological “We Shall Not Be Charmed” protest on the sidelines of their life. I mention this in the spirit of full disclosure because I went into The Demon’s Lexicon all wrong, not wanting to like it. And I came out of it really bloody impressed.

Sarah Rees Brennan: 1

Kyra: 0

The plot of The Demon’s Lexicon is actually pretty complicated, and I shall try to shade in the important bits without giving away the cool twists of which they are, well, one but it’s a goodun. Nick and Alan have spent their life on the run because their mother was once in love with a powerful magician called Black Arthur (

hee hee

). Needless to say, powerful magicians do not take it well you leave them, taking with you a powerful magical item, so he drove his lover mad and has been in hot pursuit ever since. Their mother fled to her ex, a good, normal kind of guy who took her in and protected her … and, of course, died in the process, leaving Nick and Alan to grow up as best they could, fighting for survival and dealing with their genuinely very batshit mum. In Brennan’s setting, magicians are humans who, discovering they have some fragments of magical power, feed other humans to demons for more power. Demons hang out on the edges of the world, desperate for a human host (which is not so great actually for the human in question, since it inevitably leads to a speedy, unpleasant death).

The plot of the book kicks off when a brother and sister, Mae and Jamie, come to Nick and Alan for help because Jamie (who is a gay, because it is impossible for anybody who has ever had any connection with fandom ever not to include a gay in their books) has been marked by a demon. While they’re trying to, semi-reluctantly, deal with this, Alan is also marked by a demon and things spiral in an exciting direction from there.

The book is narrated entirely from Nick’s POV and, ye gods, what a difficult POV it is. He’s cold, ruthless, unemotional, hostile and extremely unlikeable. His dominant mood seems to be anger, and although you can understand it, given the sort of life he’s forced to lead, it’s still intensely wearing. Ultimately you have to respect Brennan’s commitment to her thoroughly grim protagonist. I’m slightly bewildered by all the fangirly reviews which comprise, in the main, breathless declarations of adoration for Nick, and endless squees about how much they’d like to give him a hug. I do wonder if we were reading the same book because I’d walk the other way, very quickly indeed, maybe even run. Of course, I’m in the wrong age and sanity bracket (although given a choice I’d be all about Mae, thanks so very much) to properly appreciate two hot sixteen year old brothers. By the end of the book, you do get more insight into Nick’s character, and why he is the way he is, which helps, but he’s never going to be a basket of kittens. (Also, seriously, if this is the kind of guy you’re into, see the school counsellor, immediately young ladies!).

Brennan handles him very well indeed, keeping him right there on the verge of being unbearable and, when he finally crosses over it, contextualising his thoughts and actions just enough that you keep reading, hoping against hope that he’ll maybe snap out of it and do the right thing. Even though we only ever gets Nick’s, very limited, often bewildered perspective on events and characters, Brennan still manages to paint detailed, convincing portraits of the supporting cast. I think it’s quite a remarkably deft technique: communicating emotions through a protagonist who does not himself understand them. The most important dynamic in the book is that between the brothers, Alan and Nick. It’s banter heavy served on a bed of freshly tossed angst, garnished by a light sprinkling of brotherly love, evoking the early day of Supernatural (before it degenerated into endless repetitions of “I love you Sammy! *manly sob*”) At first Alan seems the opposite of Nick in every respect – he is as kind as Nick is harsh, as sociable as Nick is misanthropic – but as the book unfolds the interest lies in marking their similarities rather than their differences. Although he is easily “nicer” than Nick, in his way Alan is just as cold and just as ruthless. Jamie is Harmless Homosexual #32, sensitive and anxious, hiding his pain and fear beneath a façade of humour:

“So-where’s your dad?” Nick slammed the fridge door. “He died.” “Oh.” Now Jamie had the look of a deer caught in the headlights, who for some reason was feeling really sad for the car. “Oh I’m so sorry.” “Why?” Nick snapped, opening cupboards just so he could bang them closed and express his fury at people who did not know when to shut up. “You didn’t know him. Why should you care?” “Um. Empathy? Jamie suggested.

All right, so he’s kind of adorable. I don’t know if Brennan is trying to accommodate slashers but he clearly fancies Nick in an “I will never be allowed to get any ever” kind of way. Still, at least he isn’t purple and sparkly like Mangus Bane. Thank God. Although, seriously, let the kid get out of lavender shirts. Not all gay men are fabulous, okay?

Mae, on the other hand, I really did like. As the only woman in the novel, except Batshit!Mum, she’s bearing a heavy responsibility not to be awful. She’s starts off as quite stereotypical heroine material (pink-haired and feisty) but thankfully she soon emerges as a strong, determined and capable human being in her own right. For someone cast in an alien and hostile world, she does damn well. She is neither perfect nor superspecial, she’s occasionally vulnerable, and she makes mistakes. But she’s also rock-solid. I loved the fact she's sensible and confident and as committed to Jamie, in her way, as Alan and Nick are committed to each other. As the only chance anyone has of getting laid without turning gay, she is, needless to say, the epicentre of the book’s sexual tension. On the other hand she actually manages to navigate it gracefully:

He reached out with lazy intent to touch her hair, and she grabbed his wrist an instant before he touched her. “Think a lot of yourself, don’t you?” Nick blinked. “I thought-“ “You think you can use me as a way to punish Alan,” said Mae. “I noticed.” “That wouldn’t be the only reason,” Nick told her, leaning against the willow by her side. The bark was rough against his bare skin. “Oh no?” asked Mae. “What’s the other reason?” Nick smiled a small smile that someone watching them would not have been able to see. It touched his lips and lingered for a moment, private and promising. “Might be fun.” “I don’t think so,” said Mae. She stepped away from him. Her eyes were narrowed. “I’m not stupid,” she said. “I’m attracted to you, I could be attracted to Alan but what does it matter? I’ve been attracted to people before. I’m not looking to settle down, and I’m not territory to be fought over in your little war. I won’t let myself be used and I won’t let whatever crisis you’re having hurt my brother’s chance to live.”

Go Mae! I like reading about pretty, angsty boys having angst and being pretty as much as the next girl but I’m increasingly impatient with novels with next to no female characters in them. Brennan seems at least as interested in Mae as she is in the rest of her cast. The focus on Nick and Alan’s unravelling family life means that she was slightly under-used but I am entirely hopeful more of Mae’s awesomeness in future books.

Despite trotting along at a reasonable pace, The Demon’s Lexicon not the most action-packed novel. There are some exciting moments but its main developments and revelations are firmly anchored in the characters. Basically, if you like Alan, Nick, Mae and Jamie, you’ll like The Demon’s Lexicon, otherwise there’s nothing much to draw you. I will say this though: Brennan can really write an ending. Probably because I went in with relatively low expectations, the misdirection fairy led me a merry dance and then my TINY MIND WAS BLOWN.

Brennan has quite a spare, dialogue-reliant style, but it works well for the novel, despite being occasionally a trifle cliched, especially since Nick isn’t exactly the verbose and flowery type. Also throughout the novel the juxtaposition of the banal with the weird and outlandish works very well – for example, the book opens with Nick trying to a fix a leak in the sink because he keeps his favourite sword under there. I rather appreciated Gerald the magician as well. You’d think it would be hard to be even remotely scared of a person called Gerald but he actually becomes quite threatening, almost precisely because of how ‘normal’ he seems.

The magician had a shock of sandy hair, standing up on his head and then falling into his eyes like the petals on a rather floppy daffodil, and beneath the sandy mop he had a narrow, inquisitive face…. He opened wide grey eyes, blinked and looked dismayed. “Oh Lord,” said the magician. “Now I am in the soup.”

The Demon’s Lexicon is surprisingly dark story, despite all the witty wisecracking and sexual tension. The world Nick and Alan inhabit is a genuinely nasty place. I liked the stark morality of it as well. Although demons are complex creatures with complex needs, magicians are human beings who feed other human beings to demons. They are, without a shadow of a doubt, just plain bad. I’m not sure to what extent this is meant to excuse or simplify the fact that both Alan and Nick are killers are in their own right but I think it allows Brennan to have a pair of protagonists who are willing, and forced, to do some extreme things to protect themselves, without turning them into monsters or insisting that they’re saints. (I’m vaguely reminded of that wonderful Harry Potter video which, sadly, I can’t remember anything about bar the content – it’s basically clip after clip after clip of Harry attacking people with his wand, after which Dumbledore explains very gently that his gift is “love, Harry.”)

Occasionally, however, it doesn’t quite work. We learn that the only way to remove a demon mark is to kill a magician and paint over the mark in their blood. About halfway through they do actually succeed in catching a magician. We are told that Nick and Alan have killed magicians before but nevertheless the plot seems to demand they dance around this one like a pair of utter pansies, allowing him to escape. Of course, there’s a fair degree to dither over – both Alan and Jamie have marks that need removal and there’s a general feeling that Gerald might have some information that would be useful. But, although Brennan insists that Nick has not problem with killing and/or torturing Gerald, they fail to prioritise either in a really troublesome way. I’m not saying that I wanted to watch Nick torture a magician – I’m not sure if that might not have put him morally a little too far out of the grey and into the just plain wrong – but I wish Brennan could have brought this scene to its natural conclusion in a slightly more convincing way, instead of suddenly having a group of people who are nothing if not competent turn inept for no apparent reason.

The Demon’s Lexicon is an extremely competent debut novel, that handles its complicated plot and its complex characters and it’s difficult point of view very maturely indeed. You can tell that it’s a first novel, and there is a touch of fanservice about it here and there, but I really enjoyed reading it. I could have done with a touch more action and a touch less angst, a touch more Mae and a touch less brotherly love, and just a tinsy winsy let up on the wisecracking but I’m definitely interested to see where Brennan will take it.

Themes:

Books

,

Sci-fi / Fantasy

,

Young Adult / Children

~

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Arthur B

at 13:19 on 2009-09-10

Nick and Alan have spent their life on the run because their mother was once in love with a powerful magician called Black Arthur (hee hee).

THAT'S RACIST D:

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Sister Magpie

at 19:23 on 2009-09-10I enjoyed this very much too. And as I understand it, the second book is from Mae's pov.

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Wardog

at 20:39 on 2009-09-10Is it really? WEEEEEE!

That makes me really happy.

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http://roisindubh211.livejournal.com/

at 20:22 on 2009-09-13I liked Nick. Not in a "oh I want to hug him and then take his clothes off" kind of way, but in a "I can appreciate a ruthless bastard" kind of way. If your life depends on you killing people before they get to you and your family, angst only gets in the way and makes you stupid at plot convenient moments.

I like Nick a lot better than Alan, actually- since he doesn't really feel anything, and only cares about Alan's life, you always know exactly where he's coming from. Alan can be loving, kind, worried, etc., but he's also a ruthless bastard who can lie and manipulate for whatever ends he serves, good or bad. I can see Alan turning evil a lot sooner than Nick, mostly because he has to compartmentalize, "ok, this is bad, but it prevents this which is worse" or whatever, while Nick is all "I like killing magicians. I like killing anyone who looks at my brother funny. And anyone who suggests that's wrong is really stupid." (Maybe I see a little too much of myself in Nick; I can be plenty compassionate and empathetic, but I totally retreat into hardshelled thing in upsetting situations)

Also, I think a lot of the dithering over killing a magician was a combination of

1. they needed to kill two of them without getting caught themselves; usually they move on after one

2. I'm pretty sure the magician had to be not dead but dying for the blood to work (that's the impression I got at that scene, anyway). I'm not sure Nick is good at the "attack without obliterating" bit.

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Robinson L

at 00:02 on 2009-09-15Mae does sound pretty cool, and the attitude toward human relationships displayed in that excerpt is a lot more mature than most of the stuff I've read. Still don't know if I'm interested enough to read the book though, especially after seeing

Viorica's reaction

.

(I’m vaguely reminded of that wonderful Harry Potter video which, sadly, I can’t remember anything about bar the content – it’s basically clip after clip after clip of Harry attacking people with his wand, after which Dumbledore explains very gently that his gift is “love, Harry.”)

Would that be

this one

?

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Viorica

at 02:06 on 2009-09-15Man, I love ThatGuyWithTheGlasses. He always manages to highlight exactly what's wrong with what he's criticising.

I guess my biggest problem with the book is that it has nothing new to offer. Usually I tend to enjoy stuff that has some kind of new take on things, but this book just seemed to be a rehash of stuff I'd seen before. The close

Supernatural

parallels were just the icing on the unoriginality cake; when I realized that I could categorize each character after they'd had less than ten lines, I knew that I wasn't going to be entertained.

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Wardog

at 12:40 on 2009-09-15That's the one, I knew somebody would be able to find teh clip again for me! Ah, it's a little piece of sublime brilliance. I love it.

I like Nick a lot better than Alan, actually- since he doesn't really feel anything, and only cares about Alan's life, you always know exactly where he's coming from.

Actually that's precisely the reason I prefer Alan. I like the fact that his ruthlessness and his capacity for manipulation lie alongside gentleness and sociability and a very human need to love and be loved. I think it makes him more interesting, since we know precisely *why* Nick is as ruthless as he is.

Also, I get what you're saying about the magician-dither but I just felt that the scene was not as well handled as it could have been.

I guess my biggest problem with the book is that it has nothing new to offer.

I can see why you didn't like but truthfully I think originality is over-rated. I know that's a horribly glib thing to say (must be chanelling Dan) but actually you tend to know what you're getting with teenage urban fantasy and it's well executed that tends to be good enough for me. Also I think Brennan works well with her relatively unoriginal concepts - I mean, yes, Mae starts off like Wild-Child-By-Numbers but she very soon becomes a genuinely admirable person, I think. Also I think Brennan handles and portrays Nick extremely well - that, in itself, raises the book from the mire of mediocrity.

I'm not arguing with you, I think it's going to be one of those "agree to differ" situations, especially because I can see where all your criticisms spring from but I do think Brennan has more to offer than you give her credit for.

Also, Arkan, you should give a go - it's a fun read and genuinely well-done =P Don't like Viorica here put you off :)

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Robinson L

at 22:36 on 2009-09-16Happy to oblige.

I can see why you didn't like but truthfully I think originality is over-rated. I know that's a horribly glib thing to say (must be channeling Dan) but actually you tend to know what you're getting with teenage urban fantasy and it's well executed that tends to be good enough for me.

I agree;

the unoriginal and familiar can also be enjoyable when well-executed

.

I also know next to nothing about

Supernatural

, which probably helps. The main problem is that I'm chronically behind on my reading (slow reader endless supply of stuff to read), so I have to pick and choose the stuff which really excites me, or which I'm already into.

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http://roisindubh211.livejournal.com/

at 02:26 on 2009-09-17I think what I meant to say about Alan is that I found him *creepy* and kind of too good to be true at first. I kept getting brought up short by reminders that, despite the charisma, he is a dangerous dangerous dude. I kept thinking, "So what else are you hiding" and "why should Jamie and Mae trust you any more than your brother?"

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Robinson L

at 22:30 on 2009-11-03Thanks for pushing me to read this. I really enjoyed it. (Hate to say it, but I'm 90 pages into

Corbenic

and not enjoying it half as much.)

I would actually argue there are

two

closely related twists, the first of which Viorica spoiled, but the second of which caught me completely off-guard and blew my mind as well.

To my mind, it explains Gerald's escape as well, as killing him would've ruined the plan. Nick didn't know that, but he wasn't really in charge now, was he?

I see what roisindubh211 means about finding Alan creepy. In the first few pages, we learn that although he's extremely personable, he's also, very,

very

good at manipulating people. I doubted Rees Brennan would go that route, but it struck me as a good description of Anti-Social Personality Disorder (more common label: sociopath) ...

I didn't hate Nick, although he did get awfully irksome when he started hating on Alan, too.

Y'know, I find I have an awful lot to say about this book. Do you suppose it'd been unsporting if I submitted my own review, even though you and Viorica have already covered this territory?

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Wardog

at 10:29 on 2009-11-04I'm a bit embarrassed after my gushy reviews that you don't like Catherine Fisher - however, I'm putting it down to your lack of taste ;) To be fair, I don't think she's a very 'modern' style writer - she reminds me of Alan Garner, and Susan Cooper and other such writers who dominated my childhood reading experience (and scared me shitless).

All the same, glad you enjoyed this - and, yes, do feel free to write your own review - can't have too many opinions etc. etc.

I don't think Alan came close to a sociopathetic borderline for me but I think his skill at manipulating others is important to reminding us that the brothers are more alike than they are different ... and that humans have as much capacity to use and abuse other humans as demons do (cf the magicians).

Looking forward to MOAR! :)

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Robinson L

at 15:30 on 2009-11-04I wouldn't say I

dislike

Catherine Fisher (I've been contemplating the distinction between

not liking

and

disliking

since long before

Jamie said his piece

.)

Actually, Susan Cooper is a good example. Like Catherine Fisher, I enjoy her stories (

The Dark is Rising

series, anyway) but can never seem to get properly immersed in them. I guess come to most stories prepared to enjoy them in an abstract way on merit, but a really engaging story needs to hook me in emotionally.

The Demon's Lexicon

pulled that off pretty much from the word go, but

The Dark is Rising

and - so far -

Corbenic

never seemed to manage it.

and, yes, do feel free to write your own review - can't have too many opinions etc. etc.

Expect me to get back to you in ... oh, about three months or so.

The idea of Alan as a sociopath came to me very early, in their first meeting with Mae and Jamie. I think it came around the time I read this paragraph:

It was a testament to Alan's powers of persuasion that they did not laugh in his face. It was a testament to Alan's powers of looking nonthreatening that he could manage it with the door open on their destroyed kitchen, with a corpse on the floor. He rumpled his red hair and adjusted his glasses in an anxious sort of way, and he took a couple of steps back to the kitchen. He let them see the limp: He used that, the same way he used everything.

Okay, in the wrong hands, that kind of charisma can be

seriously

dangerous. Of course, we soon learn - just as I'd expected - that unlike persons with ASPD, Alan really does have a conscience and experiences empathy, so that's all right then, after all.

As you point out, we also learn that he's also a lot more selfish and abusive than he appears at first, which makes for a much more interesting and well-rounded character.

Looking forward to MOAR! :)

So am I, although is anyone else worried that Rees Brennan has written herself into a bit of a corner? I mean, she has to find a way to maintain story continuity without resorting to cop-outs or turning Nick into a complete Deus Ex Machina, or the whole thing will be a washout.

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http://altogetherisi.livejournal.com/

at 16:10 on 2009-12-02I'm aware that this review was written months ago and that there is very little chance anyone will read this comment, but whatever. I just really wanted to point out that the bit in the middle, when Nick and Alan have captured a magician and then seemingly become inept seems wrong because it is in fact wrong; what is actually happening is that Alan has decided to let the magician escape - the ineptitude is entirely intended on his part and manipulated into occuring in Nick by him.

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Wardog

at 18:28 on 2009-12-02No, no, I keep an eye comments - thanks for this. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention, or perhaps it was a question of clarity.