#I’m looking at you Roswell New Mexico

[andrea-lyn]

Roswell New Mexico - Master Fic Rec Post

See under the cut for thirty-four total recs, predominantly Malex. There's also 10 additional in the "Recs Less Travelled" project here.

a few drinks and some conversation by @christchex

Michael Guerin makes a friend who isn’t his sibling, an ex, or a sibling’s ex.

Astriferous Sea by hrhbrittany, Sismyn

Alex has always been the baby among the sirens in the Dead Sea. Michael is performing beard services for his sister. Communication is a little wishy-washy.

This AU came out of nowhere and smacked me right with the ‘I’ve always wanted this and I just never knew’. It has sirens and rescues and bad guys and false relationships and real marriages and rings and drama and romance. It honestly reminds me (in the best way) of an exciting romance novel and I’m so jazzed there’s still one part left to it.

The Bachelor by Sweetgirl2019

After the events of high school, Michael, Isobel & Max moved to California while Liz, Maria & Kyle stayed in Roswell and Alex went to war overseas. Once his enlistment period ends, Alex gets thrown into something that brings him and Michael back together again.

So I think this might be my favourite to see updated right now. It should be a run-of-the-mill fluffy AU, yet the author threw this incredible curveball by using the alien background in a canon divergence to turn The Bachelor into both a romantic dramedy for the boys, but also keeping the looming threat of people finding out about aliens in the background. Also, I think this is top tier pining that you will actively feel in your own chest, that’s how good it is. 

blink back to let me know by haloud - Roswell New Mexico

Alex doesn’t have important conversations over the phone when he can avoid them. It feels too much like going in blind. But in some ways, the phone makes it easier–it’s easier to break when no one’s looking.

It’s Mylex and the 5th in a series, and every part is worth reading, but I definitely re-read parts 4 and 5 a lot. It’s so well written and the dynamic is mwah and I love how Kyle fits into this. One of my favourite pieces in this is how Kyle reacts to his father in relation to Michael & Caulfield and it’s an amazing read.

built this house on memories by @villanellve

He wakes up eight years in the future, and everything is strange, but Alex is there.

YOU GUYS. If you were to write a list of tropes I adore, this would be way up there at the top because of how much I love it. I am a sucker for a character having to be removed from their situation to learn (whether it’s an alternate universe or the future or the past), but this one is so achingly painful and perfect and hopeful. I love the callout that the situation is almost too hard for Alex, I love the resolution at the end on Michael’s part, and you could just soak in the happiness and comfort of their future lives if you let yourself.

Can’t Get No by one_flying_ace

“They’re on round two already,” he says, tilting his head towards the truck again, “or maybe three.” Guerin grimaces, and that’s fair; it’s his brother, after all. “You know how they’re feeling. Could I handle it, if you stopped-” being in control, he doesn’t say, but Guerin shudders. “I’m good, Alex. Just keep the hell away.” (Or: alien sex rocks don’t make them do it, but they sure do help.)

Sex pollen/sex-or-die fics are pretty much a requirement, but this is my absolute favourite and I have re-read it more times than I can tell you (let’s put it at six or seven?) The restraint that Michael has in this is amazing, but the mental images of it are incredible as well. I loved Max and Liz’s secondary presence as well and how each character was tonally perfect down to the little things (like Max not noticing Michael’s sex marks). What a good. What a hot. What amazing.

Constant as the Northern Star by celzmccelz

Michael stares at Kyle. “But I’m a guy! How can I be pregnant?” Kyle looks embarrassed. “Well, you appear to have a fully functioning set of female reproductive organs—or, I mean, like, the kind of reproductive organs that are associated with a double X-chromosome in humans, so I’d assume that you probably became pregnant when semen was introduced into your reproductive tract—” “Jesus Christ, Kyle!” says Michael. He could have happily lived the rest of his life without ever hearing Kyle Valenti say the words “semen” and “reproductive tract.” Kyle’s eyes widen. “Have you been having unprotected sex?” “Oh my God, I am not having this conversation with you!”

Yes, going in, there are some warnings to be cognizant of. It’s mpreg, there’s a lot of medical stuff to go through, but I think this is my absolute favourite of the mpregs I’ve read and it actually comes down to Michael’s support system outside of Alex, namely in Kyle. There’s no sudden BFF bracelets being given, but that morality that makes Kyle Valenti who he is, that’s right there. Also, given that this is an mpreg fic, it delves into family and plot in a way that I haven’t often seen. Plus, you get the ‘getting back together’ Malex that I so deeply crave.

Contigo me encontré by beautifulcheat (Katalyst), ladynox

The Lockhart House was once a home, although it was never a happy one. Steeped in tragedy, it still stands today, in the heart of Old Town Roswell, attracting ghost hunters and those seeking to catch a peak of something from beyond the veil.

Contrary to popular myth, it wasn’t currently haunted (except by one paranormally talented docent). It was Michael’s favorite job and the best part of his summer home from UNM. Or at least was until Alex Manes was hired to man the gift shop, complicating an otherwise fun and easy job.

everywhere on earth you go - @evepolastried

Across the room, he can still see how Michael Guerin is looking at him. And that’s something different, something new, something so very familiar. The thrill of nerves, of guilt, of want. Alex smiles, and he starts to sing. (OR: Alex Manes grabs his guitar and gets the hell out of Roswell in 2008, and he leaves behind a letter. Here’s what happens ten years later)

I love this. This one has something incredible, and it’s something I called out, but it has this amazing work with pace. There’s a frantic moment at the bar and it’s chaos, and you feel it. It’s rushed and wild and crazy, but then everything slows down and it gets perfect. There’s Michael, there’s Alex, there’s music, and it’s such a great ride.

Family Matters by @bestillmyslashyheart

Isobel is telepathic. Most of the time she ignores it. She used to pick up on other’s people’s emotions but she’s long since learned to tune that out. Until one night she can’t. Someone, somewhere is in such a state that it’s spilling over and she’s left to deal with the brunt of it. Or, Michael keeps things close to the vest until he can’t. The night after Alex leaves him at the drive-in, everything he’s feeling bubbles up inside until it spills over onto Isobel. Suddenly he’s left with no other choice but to open up.

This is an early fandom piece, but I still think it’s held up to an immensely amazing rate. Not only that, but I love how it delves into powers, Michael and Isobel’s relationship, and the incredible idea of spillover, which I still actively wish would become canon because of this fic. I think it’s so IC, especially with Michael’s active wish not to talk about it that he screws himself over in his sleep and seriously, it’s such a good read for both Isobel & Michael stuff, but also Michael & Alex.

the first who ever did - nostaljinks

Five times Michael saves Alex + 1 time Alex saves Michael back.

I feel like there aren’t enough words that I can heap onto this of praise. This fic is well-written, well-plotted, well-thought out, well-everything. It’s a beautiful emotional roller coaster and will make you ACHE, but in a great way. It also is the right amount of long that you want more, but you also get it, and it’s just as quality as the rest. ABSOLUTE must read.

fish bowl by @sabrinachill

Alex makes a series of phone calls and bad choices that lead him directly here — an Airstream on the edge of a junkyard with a distractingly attractive mechanic showing him how the dining table converts into a bed that he can sleep on for just $75 a week. It is, of course, completely absurd. But there’s something cozy about the fuzzy yellow blanket on the bed/table and the sparkling sunlight streaming through the mostly-clean windows, in the smell of leather and motor oil and aftershave and summer storms, in the hopeful half-smile on Michael’s face. That’s his name — Michael. Alex’s potential new roommate and landlord. (AKA An AU About Quarantined Roommates Who Fall in Love)

I highly recommend anything by @sabrinachill, but this fic is a really clear argument about why. It’s an AU that involves quarantine, and you might think ‘oh, I’ve read that before’, but then it will take you down the unexpected road that you didn’t expect to go down, but as soon as you take that twist, you instantly realize how much better it is that way. Hats off to the clever plotting not just in Fish Bowl, but other fics! 

Funny How Things Never Change - @waroftheposes​

“What can I do for you?” Michael asks, turning to face Alex. Alex can tell the moment that Michael’s mind registers who he’s addressing, because the polite smile drops from his face and the hat falls from his hand. He stands there, eyes wide and unbelieving, looking at Alex. Alex takes a deep breath, willing his racing heart to settle. “Well,” he begins and is his voice shaking? “For starters you can get your stubborn ass over here and give me a divorce.” – (A Sweet Home Alabama AU)

Yooooo, guess who was bereft when she thought she lost this link. It was absolutely me. This AU makes me happy in so many ways, especially the storms in the desert motif that keeps coming back around, and also that it’s messy. I like that it’s not cut and dry, that it goes right up until the wedding, and that it takes some real talk for them to get back together. I love fics where they all get to be human and this one is just so good. 

I Know Nothing Stays The Same by aewriting

“Alex doesn’t believe in miracles until one happens to him. His father has a hammer in one hand and Alex’s throat in the other. As Alex’s consciousness fades, he’s dimly aware of movement. His father’s about to swing the hammer, and this is how Alex will die.” When an unexplainable force puts a stop to Jesse’s attack in the shed, Alex and Michael are forced to go on the run. Leaving Roswell is an easy decision, but navigating the consequences of that choice months and even years later proves to be much more complicated.

I think this one became a must read very early on, but then it’s continued to deliver. There’s been a few stories that delve into the characters getting therapy, but there’s a whole chapter here where it genuinely feels cathartic as we go through the process with Alex. This fic also is an excellent and long version of an AU I think that we’ve all wondered, about what would happen if they ran away, and it’s so well written and so real that I know I will be re-reading this a ton. Like many of the others, why I love it is because it’s not perfection, but it’s the kind of real where I want to wrap myself up in it. 

i won’t go, i can’t do it on my own by @queersirius

alex tries to let go by giving back the pieces of michael he’s kept

Millie has a bunch of AMAZING AUs (guys, the 10 Things I Hate About You is something I never thought I’d get, especially from a favourite author), but i think this one is actually my favourite, especially when it comes to the ship piece that Alex has. Again, when I talk about ‘fics that make me want to be better’, this one was one. The writing is engaging, the characterization is fabulous, and the emotions are so honest and real. Then there’s this line, like a gut punch:  “Because it’s the last thing I have of you,” he admits. “The last piece of you I have to let go of.” which I love because it’s still Alex’s journey, an honest attempt to offer closure (if closure is wanted). 

in some other life - @spaceskam​

michael tries to build a time machine, but ends up in a different reality all together

There are a lot of these that have been written and they are all quality, but I love this one especially because of how we get into Alex in the other universe, get the glimpse of this unknown Michael, but also the scene that strikes this one out for me is that Alex doesn’t want to let him go. I love that Alex gets to be selfish, that he begs for him to stay, and that we don’t get the automatic happy ending in that, but there’s still the hope for it. Also, Alex the Angel, unf. 

intimate encounters of the third kind by @alexmanes

Three years after Antar and its people take Earth under their wings, Roswell becomes the epicenter for human-alien relations between both planets. It doesn’t take very long for Alex Manes to find himself embroiled in a scandal that threatens this intergalactic partnership, all thanks to a beautiful man named Michael Guerin who is not nearly as human as he claims to be.

Okay, so, if you like No Love Like Your Love, the truth is that you have this fic to thank. This was my first introduction in RNM fandom as to what a really amazing fic could be that incorporated the royalty elements into the pairing. Once 1x12 aired and we met Michael’s mother, it was pretty much a done deal that I wanted to do something that played with that, but this is the actual inspiration. It’s well plotted, it has a great ensemble cast, and plays with the kind of care that it takes to know your plot inside and out, but also to leave breadcrumbs that guide the reader along. It’s very methodical in the sense that nothing is by accident and it has you on the edge of your seat.

It’s a long road back to you by @magsthemagical

Michael finds out that Alex is dating Forrest and he’s okay with it, until he’s not. Maria suggests a double date to show they can all hang out as friends. But they can’t… not really. [OR the one where Michael & Alex realize that they belong together and so they say goodbye to their respective relationships and start anew]

Honest truth time - in terms of ‘ships, while I always love people to ship and let ship, my personal preference for both Michael and Alex is one another, so both Maria/Michael and Forrest/Alex aren’t things that I usually seek out when trawling Ao3. This fic is so good to all parties involved. No one is a villain and I appreciate that they get to talk about things like Alex’s reticence to do certain things in public, but also being aware that Alex deserves to have something new as much as Michael.

Last Stop: This Town by @ubiestcaelum

Someone asked what it would have been like if Michael had gone home with the Evan’s and I couldn’t let it go.

Am I cheating because I requested this? idk, maybe, because another one I requested will end up here too. I am addicted to the idea of Michael getting the support system he needs, but THIS FIC takes it to the most impossibly amazing level and fleshes out the Evans parents in such an incredible way. I love that it’s not super sunshine and rainbows, but it’s an honest telling of raising kids (and maybe too many kids versus what you expected). I know this is only in progress (several today will be), but even as it is, it’s worth reading multiple times, because I know I have.

let me count the ways by @queersirius

liz ortecho isn’t allowed to date until her snarky, determined-not-to-date brother, alex ortecho, does. luckily, one of her suitors has a plan. well, max goes to isobel for a plan, which involves getting their brother, michael, to woo alex. or, the 10 things i hate about you AU

Obviously this needs to be here as I desperately pleaded for it to exist, but it’s so beyond what it might be as a mini tumblr ficlet and has become a whole world. It’s not just a great Malex story, it’s an amazing story for all the characters and really fleshes out a world, but weaves in the RNM characters perfectly, but also gives me a dynamic I want more of, in Alex being an Ortecho. It’s not quite finished yet, but Millie has never steered us wrong and I can’t wait for more.

Loathly by @aewriting

When King Manes and his sons are caught illegally hunting on Antarian lands, King Noah gives King Manes a choice - correctly answer a riddle or accept death. A year-long search for the correct answer ensues, leading the youngest son of the king, Alex, to strike a bargain with a mysterious woman who claims to know the answer. This is an AU of the Arthurian legend “Sir Gawain and the Dame Ragnell.”

Love at First Sass - @daffietjuh

Taking a class of 30 high school kids on a school trip to an Air Force base was about as exhausting as it sounds, luckily, the Captain giving them the tour is perfectly capable of handling a group of rowdy teenagers. Michael may be slightly in love Okay, so first of all, if you haven’t read any of the author’s other work, you should. The AUs are fantastic and the hockey one is still one of my favourites ever, but this one also just was exactly what I needed. It was sexy and flirty and fun, but also fit their personalities perfectly!

Everything in the Michael Sanders AU, by prouvaireafterdark which is a fantastic series that gives us what we all wanted, which is Walt Sanders giving Michael the home he deserved (and getting one right back).

My love is a life taker by @jocarthage

By the time he turned 15, Captain Alex Manes had been to every war zone and unofficial conflict the United States of America was involved in. It wasn’t regular practice, or even heard of, for a Colonel to bring his son along on combat missions; the exception was if the child had been identified as Time Aware, able to travel in time along their own timeline using stolen alien technology. So here Alex Manes was, 28, and ducking bombs, killing who he’s told to. On his way back from a mission, Alex slips into another timestream. It should be impossible. But he can hear a child crying and he heads towards the sound. This is the story of how Alex saved Michael and Michael saved Alex, with lots of time travel shenanigans and angst.

This story is incredible for so many reasons and one of them I continue to praise is the balance. It’s an Alex driven story, but you can break his life down into friends, mission, family, and Michael, and often those elements combine, but there’s never any update that doesn’t give you enough (imo). It’s excellent writing with engaging OCs and wonderful plot, and the most incredible love story.

not in this world (or the next) by @hannah-writes

It isn’t until he realises he can’t find the keys for his fucking truck anywhere and that there’s mail on the table addressed to Mr M Evans that Noah called him ‘Evans’, too. He fumbles inside the wallet that he’d managed to locate and pulls out a New Mexico licence with his picture on it; he doesn’t have a black eye and a split lip in this one, his hair’s tamed and he doesn’t look like he’s gone three days without showering. His date of birth is stamped, clear and correct, but then where his name should read ‘Michael Guerin’, it reads “Michael Evans’ and the address registered on the license is that of Max and Isobel’s childhood home. Noah had also said ‘your mom’s’. Not ‘Mrs Evans’. It feels like a bucket of ice water’s dumped over his head as he finally accepts that something is very, very wrong. (aka, the fic spawned from a tumblr prompt about Michael waking up in a parallel reality.)

This one, guys. This is an absolute beast of angst and love and a really well plotted story, but also is really amazing for how it creates Mikey, but also creates motive behind what drives both Michael and Mikey in ways that are the same, but also different. Genuinely, this fic is a great read because you get so much attention to the characters while also driving along the relationships, and who they are. 

nursery sharks by christchex

Six firsts in the Sanders household and a second.

Otherwise Engaged by JustAsSweet

Alex Manes was perfectly happy with his job at Colden Records but when his visa is rejected and deportation looms, marrying his assistant Michael Evans is his only option. And when they make a trip to Alaska to see Michael’s family, everything becomes a lot more complicated.

AKA: The Proposal AU that no one asked for but I wrote anyway.

Shadow Work - @myrmidryad

After his discharge from the Air Force, Alex Manes is working as a shade - a professional ghost hunter - when Michael Guerin tracks him down. Alex left Roswell thirteen years ago and never went back, but overnight Michael’s family has vanished and the supernatural activity in Roswell has exploded, and he wants Alex’s help. Featuring: ghosts, more ghosts, metaphorical ghosts, and a lot of sex without talking about feelings. Also missing family members, government conspiracies, and gratuitous worldbuilding.

No, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I can’t rec this enough. Literally, this is a novel-type rec. If this were a book on a shelf, I would be shouting that you need to go read it, because it is literally good enough to be a published work on a best-selling list. It’s so fucking good. Every time you think it can’t get better, it does. It has nuance and plot and world-building and it is So. Fucking. Good. I could sit here and sing praises all day and it still wouldn’t be enough. Please give yourself a holiday treat and read it.

The World Forgetting, By The World Forgot by Anonymous

Michael and Alex erase each other from their memories. It does not go according to plan. [Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Roswell style]

I mean, I could rec anything by Anonymous and it would be worth your read. They’re so good and so in character,  but this one is my favourite. It’s angsty as fuck, don’t get me wrong, but it plays with the movie plot in such a Roswell-specific way that makes sense that I honestly never even compared or contrasted it to the movie past the first few beats. The pain is visceral, and the memory loss segment is incredible, but also delivers on a positive ending. 

To Trust Love by @laughsalot3412 

The prisoner’s voice sounded like home. He could have been raised in Roswell, the way his accent stretched his vowels. He definitely hadn’t been. Alex would have remembered eyes like those. (AU where Alex Manes goes on an undercover rescue mission in Caulfield Prison and forms a bond with one of the prisoners in the process.)

I don’t have enough words in the English language to praise this one. Honestly, I don’t. For one, the pace and the length is perfect. That we got the parts as quickly as we did was honestly such a treat, but then every part was just as high quality as the last. There are chapters in this one that made me go, “holy shit, this would’ve been a novel I read”, and then there are little emotional impacts where the tone shifts, but it works so well. It’s SO HOT, and the AU is so perfect, and also helped inspire the one that I wrote last night with the “genie”. 

Unwind Me - delgay

“Think you can manage that? Sitting next to me, without picking a fight?” Michael challenged. “Can you?” Alex returned. “No idea,” Michael admitted with a sideways grin that never failed to make Alex’s stomach turn over, “But I’m eager to find out.” Alex is avoiding everyone, but he can’t seem to escape Michael.

This whole fic is intensely amazing, but it got on my rec list for the absolutely electric scene with the dancing that was absolutely beyond incredible. You also get Michael courting Alex, which is something he utterly deserves and I love the way Michael goes about it. 

we feel so american by thepredatorywasp

“Papa’s on the spaceship again?” River asks, his bright green eyes welling with tears and his face growing red. “Comin’ back?” “Of course he is,” Alex says, smoothing down the son’s hair and adjusting the Mickey ears atop his head. “Always.” There is no easy way to explain to your three year-old that not only is he an alien, but his Papa is an alien and that apparently, Michael loves leaning hard into irony because he has gone on Space Mountain approximately ten times over the course of four days.

LOOK. I LOVE A SWEET KID FIC. The next rec will prove this, but this one will melt your fucking heart. I love it because it’s not perfect and easy. There’s difficulties, there are issues, but it’s Michael and Alex and their baby boy in Disney and if you do not come away feeling warmer from this, then I just don’t know. 

We’re Waking Up Slow by myrmyriad

“I think need a little time to process all of this. Um. Storm’s getting closer and I don’t really wanna get snowed in here, so…let’s just talk later, okay?” What if the storm that blew in during S01E10 came in a lot faster and heavier, and Alex was snowed in at the junkyard?

Again, fic that makes me wish that I could write as well as this. This one makes you feel it all. You’ll feel the cold, the wet, the storm, the pain, the hope, the healing. You feel the connection between Michael and Alex, and you’ll be left wishing at the end that this had been how canon went, but also that it’s justifiably not that far off from how it could have, had they taken a different tack, because of how well it’s written. 

What’s Up, Pregnant? by Marie_L

Michael Guerin is broke, practically homeless, and a knocked up secret alien. What now?

Speaking of kid fics, this mpreg is one that I really like, because if nothing else, it introduced the concept of mpreg using pods to me in the fandom, and I kind of went, “YES, of course”. I love that it’s got everyone rallying, but I mostly love the psychic connection between Michael and his baby, and the softness of loving sugar and Alex. 

With Love Overflowing by Nestra

"We both agree that this is not the place we belong, right? Please say yes."

Michael tossed his hat on the coffee table and dropped onto the couch. "If you mean that your dad's been dead since CrashCon and some kind of crazy shit is going on, then yeah, I agree."

(This one was for me for Secret Santa, it is just THAT GOOD that I want everyone in the world to read it)

x marks the spot (where we fell apart) by catching_paper_moons, preciousthings

“Don’t write it off,” Alex says, and Liz is so relieved someone is coming to her defense, even if it’s someone who already knew beforehand. “Liz and Kyle have ideas, and there are people in this room with literal superpowers. It’s pretty much our only option.” “Our only option?” Isobel scoffs. “What are we, Ocean’s Eleven?”

[brickcentral]

🤩 ARTIST SPOTLIGHT: sdphoto_bricks Hello everyone! It's time to direct the spotlight toward our community members, and today we will get to know better sdphoto_bricks!

"My name is Stephanie DeFranco and I was born and raised in Roswell, NM. I’ve been a full-time photographer since 2017 and haven’t looked back since. Creating photos and watching stories come to life in front of my camera is a feeling I wouldn’t change for the world.

I would describe my photographic style as whimsical, authentic and colorful! I always try to make sure the subject will pop out of the photo with a burst of color or authentic movement.

My favorite subjects to capture in photos are characters that already have a little bit of a backstory, ex: Star Wars, Harry Potter, but putting them into situations that aren’t necessarily true to their canon story.

My go-to gear includes: Nikon z6 Lensbaby Velvet 85 Lensbaby Sweet 35 + Macro Convertors Lensbaby Twist 60 + Macro Convertors Video Lights

I’m currently living in New Mexico with my two cats, Jasmine and Ella, but traveling is my passion. I want to be able to experience new culture and document life as I live in that moment.

A few other random facts about me: I love coconut iced coffee.

I have a passion for thrifting and collecting old film cameras. And when I’m not behind my camera or on the road, you can find me on my couch streaming Disney+ & Netflix. "

Thank you for accepting our invitation and let the community knows you better!

If you want some insights on the exclusive picture and for a better view of the others, head to our blog at https://brickentral.net/.

- @theaphol, Community Outreach Manager

[jule1122]

Malex Fic - Am I Giving Enough?

Happy Holidays @miniastrophysicist! I hope you enjoy your @rnm-secret-santa gift. It is a post canon fic focusing on Alex and Michael's path to adopting their first child. There is some emotional hurt/comfort, but it's mostly about them loving and supporting each other on this journey.

I did research the adoption process in New Mexico and stayed as close to it as I could, but I did add and change things to fit the story.

Thank you@angrycowboy for being a wonderfully supportive beta.

Title from "Columbia" by Local Natives

Am I Giving Enough on AO3

Summary: Michael will be a wonderful father, Alex knows this. It's his own ability to be a good parent he questions.

Michael brings it up on a Tuesday, a month after their first anniversary.  They’re sitting on the couch together, watching a documentary about echolocation in whales and bats, cuddling and stealing kisses during the commercials.  Alex knows he wants to spend the rest of his life just like this.

“I was thinking,” Michael begins as the credits roll.  

Alex turns off the television and turns to give Michael his full attention.  “About what?” he asks gently when he sees the way Michael is twisting his hands.

“I got the schedule for the adoption orientation meetings, and the one closest to Roswell is in three weeks,” he takes a deep breath and looks at Alex seriously. “I think we should go.”

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.  Alex stares at Michael for a minute before his brain kicks back in.  “Orientation, yeah we can, I mean we should,” he stumbles.

“It’s the first step,” Michael reminds him - as if they hadn’t researched and talked about this before.  “We have to go before we can apply or anything, and this seemed like our best chance.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and tries to smooth over his misstep.  “It makes sense to go when it’s close to home.  Just send me the info, and I’ll put it in my calendar,”

“Are you sure?” Michael asks.

“Of course.  You know I should take Charlie out,” he adds before Michael can ask him any more questions.  Charlie - the retriever mix Michael brought home from the junkyard a few months ago - has been sleeping at their feet and grumbles when Alex nudges him.  But he gets up and follows Alex when he calls, sharper than he meant to, “Charlie, door.”

Michael doesn’t bring it up again, but Alex can feel the careful way Michael watches him when they get ready for bed.  He turns out the light quickly and pulls Michael close, his whispered good night a plea for Michael to leave it alone for now.

The next day Alex stops by the Wild Pony on his way home from work.  It’s early enough that he knows Maria can take a break to talk to him.�� He’s barely started on his beer when she sits down across from him.

Maria studies him for a moment, narrows her eyes and demands, “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up, with Michael,” he clarifies.  Maria doesn’t say anything, just stares at him until he starts talking again.  “He brought up adoption, and I froze.”  

“I thought you talked about kids before?”

“We have, but it was always something we would do someday.  Now Michael thinks this could be that someday, and I panicked,” Alex shrugs.  “He hasn’t said anything, but he definitely noticed.”

“So what are you going to tell him,” Maria asks.  “Have you changed your mind about wanting a family?”

“No, I still want that.  I just thought we had more time.  We’ve only been married a year, and for the first time in my life I’m really happy,” Alex can’t help smiling when he thinks about his life with Michael.  “I don’t know if I’m ready to change that.”

“Wanting more time isn’t a bad thing, and I’m sure Michael will understand.  But I don’t think that’s the only problem,” Maria adds.

“Michael’s always known what he wants - marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a dad band.  He’ll be an amazing father.”

“What about you?” Maria asks when he doesn’t say anything else.

“All I ever wanted was out, and then I wanted Michael.  I never pictured myself as a father because I don’t know what one should be.  It took me over ten years to figure out how to love Michael.  I can’t ask a child to wait for me to figure my shit out.”

“Alex,” Maria takes his hand.  “You’re being too hard on yourself.  I know you don’t see it, but you are a caretaker at heart.  Look at everything you did for Mimi, the way you welcomed Greg back into your life, all the risks you took to protect the people you love.  You may not think you know how to love people, but we all feel it.”

“Maria,” Alex looks away to hide the tears in his eyes.

“You need to talk to Michael, Alex, you know that.  You’ll be a wonderful father, if that’s what you want.  If you aren’t ready now, just be honest about that.  But if it really is fear holding you back, have more faith in yourself. Besides you already have Charlie,” Maria teases, knowing Alex needs the mood lightened.

“Charlie is a dog,” he gives Maria an unimpressed look.

“A dog with homemade food, more toys than most children and who you or Michael take to work if you think he looks lonely.”

“You might have a point,” Alex concedes with a sheepish smile. They talk for a few more minutes, general catch up, until Maria gets called back to work by one of the bartenders.  “Thank you,” Alex hugs her before he leaves, feeling more settled than when he arrived.

The house is quiet when he gets home.  Alex laughs, thinking of Maria’s teasing when he realizes Michael must have taken Charlie to the junkyard with him.  So Alex starts dinner and throws in a load of laundry.  A few minutes after he takes the lasagna out of the oven, Michael walks in, Charlie at his heels.

“Smells good,” he compliments before greeting Alex with a kiss.

“Thanks, you want to shower while it cools?”

“Only if you come with me,” Michael pulls at Alex's hand.

It’s easy to follow.  To let Michael run the water hotter than Alex would and set up the shower chair.  He pulls Michael into his lap and washes his hair for him, loving the way Michael arches into his touch.  Michael stands up long enough to wash himself quickly while Alex does the same, then he’s back in Alex’s lap.

“My turn,” he says, reaching for the shampoo.

It doesn’t take long, but Michael lingers.  Running his hands through Alex’ hair long after the shampoo is rinsed out, kissing his neck and mindlessly rolling his hips into Alex’s.  

“Let me,” Alex says when the friction is just shy of enough.  He reaches down and strokes their cocks together, everything slippery and warm, his hand gliding easily until they both come.

Michael pours them each a glass of wine with dinner, and Alex lets himself relax into the evening, waiting until they’re once again cuddling on the couch to bring up his concerns.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he begins.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Michael tells him.  “But I do want you to tell me what’s wrong.  I thought this was something you wanted too.”

“It is.  I do want a family with you.  But realizing it might actually happen scared me.”  It’s hard for Alex to admit that, but he pushes forward.  “When I think about us having kids, I can see you with them, but I can’t figure out how I fit in.  I am afraid I won’t know how to be a parent.”

“Alex, I’ve always wanted kids, you know that.  But I would never force that on you.  And I wouldn’t,” Michael pauses before speaking again.  “I wouldn’t bring kids into a home if I wasn’t sure they would be safe and loved.  I know your heart, Alex, maybe better than you do.”

Alex kisses Michael softly then rests his head on his shoulder.  “You think I can do this?”

“I do,” Michael reassures him.  “But you don’t have to.  Especially if you’re only doing it for me.”

“I wouldn’t be,” Alex shakes his head and kisses Michael’s shoulder.  “The orientation is just the first step right?”

“Right, and the whole process takes time.  They aren’t just going to hand a bunch of kids over to us after a presentation.  It’s not a commitment.”

“But it’s a start.  I think we should go.”

“If you’re sure,” Michael confirms.

Alex might never be completely sure, but he knows he wants to try.  “I am.”

Alex doesn’t know if it is intentional, but the orientation feels like a support group meeting.  The chairs are arranged in a semicircle surrounding a long table for the speakers.  There’s coffee and water for tea and a platter of cookies from one of the big chain stores.  

There are only about ten other people there, and while Michael chats with the couple closest to them, Alex sits silently, clutching Michael’s hand.  They are asked to introduce themselves, and he lets Michael handle that too, smiling when he says “this is my husband Alex.”  But he lets the rest of the introductions fade into the background as he studies the room for exits, checks for threats he knows aren’t there.

The first half is a presentation reviewing the steps of the adoption process.  Alex and Michael know them - application, 32 hour parenting class, 4 mandatory counseling sessions, home study, interviews with family and friends.  Alex’s mind stumbles on the last one, grateful again his father is dead.  He knows, though, he never would have attempted this if Jesse were still alive, never would have taken the risk, no matter how small, that Jesse could hurt another child.

Michael’s a little restless during the presentation, and Alex doesn’t blame him.  The material is dry, and Michael has it all memorized.  But Alex appreciates how each step is broken down in detail.  It helps him to treat this like a  mission with a series of individual tasks they can accomplish in pursuit of a larger goal.

They take a break after, and Alex tries to socialize a bit while he makes himself and Michael each a cup of bad coffee.  Alex has spent so much of his life hiding, it’s hard for him to answer questions without searching for an ulterior motive, and he’s relieved when they are called back to their seats.

For the next hour, three couples talk about their adoption experience.  Alex appreciates that they don’t try and sugarcoat it.  They do talk about the good stuff - the first time their adopted child calls them mom, the first Christmas they got everything on the list from Santa, seeing their child graduate, even grandchildren.  But they talk about the hard parts too - the kids who will never call them mom and dad, the older children who needed a mentor more than a parent and don’t keep in touch, hearing the horrors their children experienced and knowing they can never make it all go away.

Some of the couples look at each other nervously, and Alex wonders if they will change their minds.  He wouldn’t blame them, but Alex feels better after hearing the stories and realizing that it’s hard for everyone, that he won't be the only one who struggles.  

When Michael asks him what he thinks on the way home, he's able to be honest when he answers, “I think we can do this.”

They fill out the application that night, and two weeks later they have their intake interview with a social worker named Beth.  Alex did his research before the appointment and knows Beth is a few years older than they are and has worked for New Mexico’s Children, Youth and Families Department since she received her Masters Degree.  She is welcoming and cheerful in a way that makes Alex want to ask her how she hasn’t burned out yet.

They talk about their schedules and hobbies, the people in their lives, and it’s easy in a way Alex knows not to trust.  

Beth’s smiling when she tells them they’re almost done, but Alex can tell from how she’s watching them, the calculation in her eyes, that this is probably the only part of the whole interview that matters.  “Last question, why adoption with CYFD?  There are other, easier, ways to start a family.  So why choose this?”

“Like I told you,” Michael begins, “I grew up in the system.  And while I’d like to believe it’s gotten better, even good foster homes can’t replace a family. They’re good kids, stuck waiting for someone to love them, and if Alex and I can do that for at least a few of them, we want to.”

Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and wishes for the millionth time he could go back and change things for him.  Beth turns her attention to him, and he knows he needs to answer, that he can’t rely on Michael to carry him through this.  “One thing you’ll find out eventually is that I grew up in an abusive home,” Alex clears his throat and forces himself to keep talking.  “Michael and I both know what it’s like to grow up without a safe or loving home.  And what I didn't realize until I was older is how much that affects everything you do, every choice you make.  It limits your life in ways you don’t notice because you are so busy trying to survive that you can’t really dream or take risks.  We can give that, a safe and loving home, for kids who need it so they’ll be able to be who they want to be, not just who they are allowed to be.”

He can see Michael trying to hide his surprise - not at one Alex said, but that he was willing to share it with someone else.  Beth seems pleased with his answer though, so Alex thinks his discomfort is worth it.  Alex isn’t  sure it will ever be easy for him to share his feelings, but  opening up to Michael is the best thing he’s ever done, now he just has to keep trying.

“Ok,” Beth clasps her hands together, bringing their attention back to her.  “Let’s talk next steps.  You can register for the parenting class online, and Caleb will be your therapist.”  She slides a business card across his desk.  “You can call his office to set up your appointments.  Once those two things are done, we’ll move on to interviews with your family and friends, background checks for anyone who might be alone with the children.  Then your home study, and you’ll be in the home stretch.”

They decide to start with the parenting classes, partly because they are only offered a few times a year and partly because neither of them are eager to dive into counseling.  It’s obvious most of the other participants view the class as a formality - a box to be checked off rather than something they need.  And Alex understands, the information is basic, designed to cover the most common questions and scenarios, but it hits him and Michael differently.

They even joke about it with Sam and Meredith, an older couple in the class.  They had their children young and decided fostering was the best answer to their empty nest syndrome.  “It was either this,” Meredith explained, “or pestering our children for grandkids we know they aren’t ready for.”

“This class must be pretty useless to you,” Michael remarks.  “You already raised your kids, you know what you're doing.”

“One thing we definitely learned,” Sam says with a laugh, “is that when it comes to kids you never really know what you are doing.  This early stuff is old hat, we know what we need for the house, know kids need clothes and toys.  But we are hoping they’ll talk more about how to help kids through the transition to foster care, how to make them feel like it is a home, even if it’s temporary.  That’s what we need.”

“Do you think we’ll learn anything that will prepare us for that?” Alex asks.

“No, not really,” Meredith admits.  “But any tips will help.”

It’s one of those early sessions that leaves Michael quiet and withdrawn.  Even Alex isn’t giving the presenter his full attention - periodically checking his email - while they review the physical requirements expected of a foster home.  He can feel the disinterest in the room as the topics reviewed feel like they should go without saying - running water and electricity, enough beds for all the children in the home, supervision to make sure the children attend school, commitment to providing fresh, hot meals.

But Alex feels Michael tense beside him, and he remembers nothing should be taken for granted.  Michael’s quiet all night, hanging back while Alex talks to Sam and Meredith about good places to shop for children’s furniture and clothing.  He doesn’t say much on the way home either, waiting until they are in bed - Alex wrapped around him from behind and Charlie sprawled across their feet - to bring it up.

“Do you think there were families like Sam and Meredith then, and what - I just didn’t get them?” he finally asks.  “Bad luck of the draw?”

Alex hesitates because there is no good answer.  “I think there have always been good and bad families, all we can hope is they are getting better at weeding out the bad.”

Michael snorts.  “Can’t do much worse than they did with me.”

“You deserved better,” Alex tells him, slipping his hand under Michael’s tank top and resting it over his heart.  “You deserved better then and you deserve better now.”

“I have better now,” Michael squeezes Alex’s hand.  “I have the best now, but when you take a kid with a shit life and tell them you are going to make it better only to put them in a situation that’s just as bad, if not worse, it’s pretty hard for them to believe they deserve better.”

Alex knows there is nothing he can say to heal that hurt so he kisses the back of Michael’s neck and holds him tighter.

As the class progresses, it’s Alex who becomes unsettled.  The focus shifts to understanding what traumas children in the system might have gone through, and how to handle common parenting situations.  Participation becomes part of the class as they are asked to share ideas and concerns as a group.  The more Alex listens and hears what a family should be like, the more he realizes just how much Jesse hurt him.

It’s not just the physical abuse - Alex likes to think he came to terms with that years ago.  But it’s seeing how Jesse harmed him in other ways. How he isolated Alex, by restricting his free time and more tellingly by turning his brothers against him.  Jesse continually set Alex up for failure and then used his failure against him as an example of weakness.  He singled Alex out for criticism and punishment in ways that made it seem like Alex was the problem.  

In hindsight, Alex realizes they should have taken a break after the parenting classes before scheduling their counseling sessions.  They wanted to keep the process moving, but Alex was resistant to therapy in general, and going into when he was haunted by Jesse in ways he hadn’t been since the first months after his death was not his best decision.

They meet up with Maria the night before the first session, and the familiar comfort of spending time with her lulls him into a false sense of security.

“I can’t believe you're going to a therapist named Caleb,” she teases.

“What’s wrong with Caleb?” Michael asks at the same time Alex says, “I researched him, and his qualifications are legitimate.”

Maria ignores Alex and answers Michael instead.  “I don’t know, Caleb just sounds like a frat boy.”

“I think you’re confusing Caleb with Chad,” Alex smirks at her.

Maria sticks her tongue out in response.  “But seriously,” she says after they stop laughing, “how are things going?”

“Good,” Michael says, looking to Alex for confirmation.  Alex nods and pulls Michael closer against his side.  “We have a lot left to do, but each step we take makes it feel more real, like it will actually happen.”

“I can’t believe it,” Maria shakes her head.  “I guess if any of us were going to be parents, it would be you two.  But still.”

“We’ve got some time left before that happens,” Alex reassures her.  “Did I tell you we’re looking for a house?”

“No!  You want to move?”

Alex shrugs, “I wasn’t thinking about a family when I bought the house.  We need something with more bedrooms and a bigger yard.”

Maria looks at him, and Alex can tell she’s trying to read him, see if his doubts are lingering.  Whatever she finds makes her smile, “Not that you need it, but good luck - with the house and all of it.”

Alex wishes for Maria’s luck when Michael slams the door open after they come home from their first session with Caleb.

“What the hell was that, Alex,” he demands.

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me.  I didn’t do anything,” Alex insists even though he knows that’s not exactly true.

“That’s one way to put it,” Michael agrees sarcastically. “You barely said a word, and you looked at Caleb like he was one step away from becoming the subject of a Deep Sky investigation.  Could you have made it any more obvious that you didn’t want to be there?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”  Alex reaches for Michael only to sigh when Michael crosses his arms and steps back.  “I need this session to study him, to figure out what he wants from me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“There were times in the Air Force - after a bad mission or after I got hurt - that I had to be cleared before returning to duty.  It was routine, we knew what to say.  ‘Loss of life is regrettable but unavoidable.  My belief in our mission remains steady.’  And just as important we knew what not to say.  You didn’t admit that you hadn’t slept for a week because of nightmares or that you had no idea what the actual mission was.  I don’t know the script here, and I just need time to figure it out.”

“Alex,” Michael sits on the couch and holds out his hand for Alex to join him.  “This isn’t a test.”

Alex sits next to Michael, but only raises a brow in response.

“Ok,” Michael concedes, “ it is a test.  But not one you need to cheat to pass.”

“We were trained to say the right thing, to never consider the truth.”  Alex picks up Michael’s hand, playing with his fingers before lacing them with his. “I’m not trained for this, and I don't want to screw this up for us.”

“You won’t.  I know it’s hard, and there are secrets we have to keep.  But we aren’t trying to win here, we’re trying to be good parents.  Obviously, we can’t tell Caleb I am an alien,” Michael begins.

“Or that my father ran a prison for aliens and my brother killed him,” Alex finishes.

“So those are things that are off limits,” Michael laughs.  “But who we are, the things we went through, and who we want to be, we don’t have to be ashamed of any of that.  We’re good people Alex, we don’t need to hide that.”

“I love you,” Alex tells him because he has to.  Michael’s come so far, and Alex won’t let his fear hold him back.  “I’ll try next time.”

“I love you too. And you won’t be there alone.  I’ll be right there with you.”

It’s still hard at the next session to open up.  He listens to Michael talk about his fear of not being good enough, of always being the one left behind.  Pride at Michael’s courage and honesty wars with his own guilt for being one of the people who left Michael behind.  They’ve been holding hands since they sat down, and Alex rubs his thumb in soothing circles as Michael talks.

When Caleb turns his attention to Alex, he grips Michael’s hand tightly as he stumbles through a description of his childhood, the hole his mother’s absence left, and the fear his father instilled in him.

Caleb studies him for a moment before asking, “What’s the worst thing your father did to you?”

Alex opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.  He turns to Michael, can’t help looking at his hand, but the answer still doesn’t come.  Finally he says, “He made me afraid to be happy.”

Michael makes a noise when he hears Alex’s answer, and even Alex is surprised by what he said, but he knows it’s true.

“And now?” Caleb prompts him.

“I’m happy and he’s dead,” Alex answers without thinking about it.  This time Michael laughs and even Caleb smiles.

“We can work with that,” he tells Alex.

Alex feels himself relax for the first time since they met Caleb.  It's not that therapy is easy, but Alex stops fighting it.  Caleb gives them homework each session.  Sometimes it’s easy- like list five ways Michael thinks Alex will be a good father and vice versa.  Sometimes it seems easy, but brings up more than they expect - like the time he asks Michael to list the people in his life he knows he can count on and give an example of when they have been there for him.  Michael can only work on it a person at a time, the reality of the support he has overwhelming.  And other times, it ties them up in knots from the beginning - like asking Alex to list the ways he’s not like his father.  He has nightmares for days, but feels freer when they discuss it in their final mandatory session.

When Caleb signs off on their confirmation form, they ask him to take them on as regular clients.  They agree to start with monthly sessions, and it feels like a good thing, not a punishment.  Alex has never been afraid to work for what he wants, and he can do what he needs to so he’s a good father.

Midway through their mandatory sessions, they find a house.  It’s in a rural section of Roswell, but still only twenty minutes from the center of town.  The house is big and needs some updating, but Michael is happy to handle that with some help - or at least company - from Max. The best part is the setting.  The house sits on five acres - already fenced in and includes two barns.  Once the home study is over, they plan to convert one of the barns into a workshop for Michael to replace his bunker.  And as for the other, Michael is talking about chickens before they even move in.

“Kids first, then livestock,” Alex teases him.  He surprises Michael with a greenhouse, and that’s enough to occupy him for a while.  

Everything seems to be falling into place, and Alex can’t help but notice how excited Michael is becoming.  He points out families with children when they are out, nudging Alex and whispering, “That will be us soon.”

Michael’s meant to be a father, Alex has known this for a long time.  It’s easy to picture Michael showing a little boy the alien Rosa drew in the Crashdown window or walking through downtown with a little girl riding on his shoulders.  But now Alex is starting to see himself there too.  He can imagine himself swinging their daughter off Michael’s shoulders to give her a kiss or helping their son finish the sundae he begged for, but can only eat half of.  It surprises him how much he wants it, how much he wants to share all that with Michael.

Alex thought therapy would be the worst part of the process, but the home study is more stressful than he expected.  They’ve talked to Beth a few times since their initial interview, and Alex is used to her cheerful determination.  He assumed she would be doing the home study, but they are required to use an approved company which means dealing with a stranger.

It’s a struggle not to bristle at the feeling of being judged, of knowing all his answers are being dissected.  But Alex does his best to be honest, and realizes how far he’s come when he can answer a question about what type of father he wants to be with something other than a sarcastic remark about anything being better than the example he had growing up.  Michael is charming, and Alex tries, but it’s still a relief when Beth  calls to tell them they passed with flying colors.

Alex always knew he would be the one to ruin it.

“Alex!” Michael throws open the door of the truck.  “Are you ok?”

It’s a stupid question, they both know Alex isn’t ok.  They’re supposed to be in Beth’s office making a plan to meet the children they would potentially adopt. Instead, Alex is sitting in the truck trying, and failing, to hold back tears.  He only made it through the first ten minutes of the appointment before bolting, and he can’t imagine what Michael must be thinking.

Alex feels Michael’s hand on his leg, his touch tentative in a way that makes Alex feel even worse.

“What’s going on?” Michael asks quietly.  “If you changed your mind, you just have to tell me.”

“It’s not that,” Alex says hastily.  He wipes his face, but looks away from Michael or he knows the tears will continue.  “I still want a family with you, I do, I just can’t”

“Can’t what?” Michael prompts when Alex doesn’t continue.  “Come on, move over,” Michael tells him with a sigh.  He climbs in and sits next to Alex when Alex slides over to the middle of the seat.  It takes some maneuvering, but Alex ends up leaning on Michael’s chest, Michael’s hand stroking his back.  “You need to talk to me, Alex.  Not to be dramatic but you're starting to freak me out.”

“I can’t pick,” he admits quietly.  Alex knows this is his own fault for being unprepared.  This was the only step of the process he hasn’t researched extensively, and it left him blindsided.  Alex expected Beth to show them the profiles of the children she thought would be the best fit, they would meet them a few times, and if all went well, they would proceed with the adoption.  He was unprepared for her to turn her computer screen toward them, and show them a page filled with thumbnail pictures of children along with brief descriptions of what they like and why they were available for adoption.  He could see the multiple page numbers at the bottom of the screen, and it felt like being introduced to the worst kind of dating app.

“What do you mean?”

 “How am I, are we, supposed to look at all those kids and decide who deserves a home?  How are we supposed to say we’ll take this one, but not that one?”  Alex asks, almost pleading for Michael to have an answer he can live with.

“That’s not what we’re doing,” Michael runs a hand through his hair.  “Placement is about trying to figure out the best match so that the adoption has the best chance for success.  That’s what all the interviews and therapy and home study were about, figuring out which kids will fit with us.”

“And what if we pick wrong?”

“That’s what this meeting is for so Beth can help us.  She knows us, she knows some of the kids, and she’s done this before.  We aren’t making a final decision today.  We can take our time,” Michael reassures him.

“That’s not what I mean.  Even if we do everything right, and it all works out, it doesn't mean we didn’t miss something.   That we didn’t overlook,” Alex stumbles, trying to find the right words.  “I’m afraid that we won’t see, that will leave behind,”

Alex can see the moment Michael gets it.  He was right when he said he knew Alex’s heart better than he did.  “What if you leave me behind?”

“How many people passed you by without ever really seeing you?  You were so good Michael, and you deserved so much more than you got.  I looked at that screen, and every kid reminded me of you.  I can’t do this,” Alex admits, turning away again so he doesn’t have to look at Michael, and see the kindness he doesn’t deserve.  Alex had been expecting Michael to break down at some point, overwhelmed at dealing with the system that had failed him, had been preparing himself to help Michael through it.  Instead Alex is the one falling apart, forcing Michael to comfort him.

“Alex, we could adopt every kid Beth shows us, and it won’t change anything for me.  You can’t fix what’s already happened.” Michael turns Alex’s face so he’s looking at him again, wiping away his remaining tears and kissing him softly. “If we go through with this it has to be because we are ready to start a family not because you’re trying to save me.”

“I’m not trying to save you, I just don’t want to fail you.”

“I know,” Michael closes his eyes briefly.  “And I love you for it.  Listen, I’m going to go back in, let Beth know we need to reschedule.  Why don’t you call Caleb’s office and see if we can get in this week.”

They don’t talk on the way home, but by silent agreement decide to reset once they get there - doing their best to act like nothing has changed.  It’s easier to pretend, at least until their appointment with Caleb.  Michael holds Alex’s hand and listens while Alex tries to explain why he panicked.  He does his best to reassure Michael that he does want to adopt, but they all agree that it’s best to put things on hold for a month or two so Alex can untangle his feelings about adoption from his feelings about Michael.

Three weeks later, Greg calls.

“Hey, are you and Michael still looking into adoption?”

“Yes,” Alex replies.  It’s easier than he thought it would be to answer, but he knows despite his setback, they haven’t given up..

“One of my students is looking for a family to adopt her baby, and I thought you might be interested.”

“Jesus,” Alex says, horrified.  “You teach fourth grade.”

“Former student, sorry,” Greg clarifies.  “She just finished her freshman year at Stanford and is home for the summer.  Baby’s due in a few months, and she didn’t find a match in California so she thought she’d try closer to home.  What do you think?”

They never talked about a baby, but as the idea settles in his chest, Alex knows he wants to try.  “Yeah, I mean I have to run it by Michael, but I think he’ll want to meet her.”

They meet Amber a week later in Greg’s kitchen.  Greg introduces them, and then leaves, telling them to make themselves at home.  Amber has dark hair pulled back into a bun and wide, intelligent eyes.  Alex’s first thought is that she is too young for this - too young to have a baby, too young to make this kind of decision.  But when she starts talking, he realizes quickly that while she may be too young for all this responsibility, she’s not a child.

Michael asks her about school, and she immediately launches into a detailed description of the genetic research she’s doing and the advanced program she was accepted into. Alex doesn’t understand most of what she’s talking about, but she reminds him so much of Liz it almost hurts to look at her.

Michael lights up and starts talking about some of the research he helped Liz with - leaving out the alien origins of it.  Alex is happy to sit back and let the details pass him by, drawn in as he always is by watching Michael talk about something he is passionate about.

“Where did you go to school?” Amber asks.

“I didn’t,” Michael’s smile falters.  “Had a scholarship after high school, but things didn’t work out.  I’m just always studying on my own.  Liz, the woman I mentioned, she has multiple doctorates so I just follow her lead.”

“You more than keep up,” Alex reminds him.  He lifts Michael’s hand - his left hand - and kisses it softly.  He knows what happened in the shed isn’t the only reason Michael gave up college, but a part of him will always hold some guilt over Michael’s lost dreams.

Amber’s eyes dart between them before she turns her attention to Alex. “What about you?”

“I was in the Air Force for about ten years. Got my degree while I was enlisted, computer engineering.”

“Alex is one of the best hackers in the world,” Michael says proudly.

Alex shoots Michael a look, not sure his hacking skills are something to brag about.  “I mostly work in research data analysis now. The company I work for tries to take the information available to us and apply it to previously unexplained events or phenomena like,” Alex searches his mind for an example he can share, “the Bermuda Triangle. I was trained in code breaking in the military so my sub specialty is languages.  There is a lot we can use computers for when it comes to recovering dead languages or translating symbol based languages.”

What he doesn’t say of course is his interest in language is fueled by his need to discover how many previously dismissed references to aliens are real.  So much of his work is rooted in getting answers for Michael, but he can’t tell Amber that.  Still, she seems happy with his answer.

“So you understand then, why I need to go back to school.  Why I can’t let this,” she gestures to her stomach, the first real reference any of them have made to why they are there, “stop me.”

Alex nods, not sure what to say.  But he remembers her enthusiasm when talking about her research and how her smile dimmed when even the possibility of her not returning to school was mentioned, and he reaches for the notepad Michael brought with him, writes down Liz’s email and hands it to Amber.  “This is Liz, our friend's email.  She would be a great resource or mentor.  Her parents are immigrants so she knows what it’s like to be a minority woman in science.  She’s told us about how much her mentor helped her, and I know she would be happy to talk to you.” 

“I didn’t offer you the baby yet,” Amber reminds him, her eyes narrowing.

“It’s not a bribe,” Alex explains, hoping he didn’t screw things up already.  “Like I said, Liz knows the challenges you’ll face, and it shouldn’t be any harder for you than it needs to be.  If we’ve learned anything from working with her,  it’s that changing the work is a lot easier with help. It’s just an offer, no strings.”

“Ok,” she nods and takes the paper.  “I have some questions.”

She doesn’t ask them anything they haven’t been asked before - by Beth, by Caleb, during the home study.  But Alex tries to be more open, a little more honest with her.  They show her pictures of the house and of Charlie.  Michael talks about his plans for chickens and maybe goats, shows her the greenhouse and the fields.

“This is our first crop of sunflowers at the house.  See how tall they are already.  Sanders grumbles about the drive, but he knows we have better soil,” he says proudly.

“Sanders?” Amber asks.

“Sanders and I have been growing prize winning sunflowers for a few years now.  He’s my boss at the junkyard, but he’s family too.  He’ll be the closest the kids will have to a grandfather.”

“Don’t forget Arturo,” Alex adds.

“True.  But Sanders, uhh, here let me show you.”  Michael pulls something up on his phone and hands it to Amber.  “He’s not much for pictures, but he let us take a few at the wedding.”

Michael ends up going through the whole wedding album he has saved on his phone, introducing her to everyone in their family as he scrolls through the photos.  “Are you singing?” Amber asks when they come to a picture of Michael on stage.

“Yeah,” Michael blushes and rubs the back of his neck.  “It was a surprise for Alex at the reception.  But he’s the real musician in the family.  Writes his own music, he’s even written me a few songs.  He’ll definitely be in charge of singing the kids to sleep.”

“What do you play?

“Guitar and keyboard mostly.  We bought a piano when we bought the house and that’s what I like to compose on.  My first guitar was actually a hand me down from Greg,” Alex laughs. “Michael had it for a while too.”

Amber looks curious at the mention of Greg.  “How long have you been married?  Was Greg still in the Navy?”

“No, he couldn’t make the wedding because of school,” Alex explains, assuming she is wondering why he wasn’t there.

“We’ve been married almost two years,” Michael adds.  “But it’s been on and off since high school.”

“High school?”  Amber’s eyes widen.  “Sounds like an epic love story.”

“Cosmic,” Michael mumbles.  Alex elbows him, but smiles.

“It took us a while to figure things out, but we’ve always loved each other.  It’s always been Michael,” Alex shrugs.

Amber hands the phone back to Michael, “It seems like you have a beautiful family.”

“Thanks, I know it’s probably a cliche, but that’s what we want for our kids.  From what we told you, I’m sure you figured out our childhoods sucked.”  They all laugh.  “But we can give our kids all the things we didn’t have.  A place to run around, a chance to just be kids and do whatever they want if that’s sports or art or reading.  They can do what they want and have the freedom to make mistakes because they’ll have people who will love them and support them no matter what.  More than just us, you know.”

“I know you have questions too, but I’ll just get the big ones out of the way.  There’s no father, at least not one that I can name.  I aced my first big exam and decided to celebrate.  Found out there really is such a thing as being blackout drunk.  I woke up the next morning on someone’s couch with half my clothes missing.  I have no idea who I was with.  Is that a problem?”

Amber tells the story with no emotion, just a statement of fact, and Alex can tell she doesn’t want sympathy so he just shakes his head and sees Michael do the same.

“Good,” Amber nods.  “I was working with an agency in California so I’ve had all the counseling sessions. I’m not going to change my mind.  I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother, but I know I don’t want to be one now.  I’d have to move back here, drop out of Stanford, and what, if I’m lucky, go to community college once she starts school?”

“She?” Michael asks.  Alex sees him wince, knows he didn’t mean to interrupt, but they hadn’t known the baby was a girl.

“Yes, and she deserves better than a mother who resents her.  I worked too hard to get into Stanford to become another girl from the rez who can’t hack in the real world,”  Amber stops, bitterness lacing her voice, and shakes her head.  When she speaks again, her tone is softer.  “That’s what happened to my mom, and she always told me I ruined her life.  I want better for her.”

Before either of them can respond, Amber excuses herself to go to the restroom.  She seems more composed when she comes back, accepting the iced tea Alex poured while she was gone.

“So what do you want to know?”

Alex turns to Michael, watches as he picks up his notebook and turns to his list of questions.  “What kind of contact do you want after the adoption,” he asks.

“None,” Amber shrugs.  “I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I don’t think of her as my daughter.  This is a process I’m going through, and once she’s born my part is done.  My grandmother would probably like a picture every now and then, but that’s up to you.  She lives here so you can contact her through Greg if you want.”

That brings up a concern Alex has.  “Obviously you know Greg’s my brother, but other than visiting him the last few years, I haven’t been on the reservation since my mom left.  I don’t have much of a connection to that side of my heritage.  Is that a problem?”

“Will you answer questions if she has them?  Help her learn what it means to be Native if she wants?”  When Alex nods she seems satisfied.  “That’s enough.  When I go back to school I’m never coming back so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to judge you for that.”

“She would spend time here, with us and Greg, it just isn't’ something that’s part of our daily lives,” Alex clarifies.

“What else?” she asks.

Alex watches Michael look over his list of questions before closing the notebook. “I don’t think there is anything else we need to know.”  He looks to Alex for confirmation.  “This is for you to get to know us, see if we might be the kind of people you want to adopt your baby.  We’re not here to judge you.  So if you have more questions or want to see the house or whatever, go for it.  But we’re good.”

“Ok,” Amber agrees.

“So, we can give our numbers or you can reach out though Greg once you’ve made a decision,” Alex tells her.

“I met with several families in California, and they were all nice, but it never felt right.  I think it’s because I was waiting for you.  I don’t need time.  If you want her, she’s yours.”

“Really,” Michael’s face lights up.

“Of course we do, thank you,” Alex forces out, his throat tight.  “We have a case worker so we’ll get in touch with her and figure out what’s next.”

When they are walking out to their cars, Alex texting Greg to let him know he can come back, Michael stops Amber.  “I do have one question.  Do you have any thoughts on a name?”

“She’s your daughter, you pick the name,” Amber reminds them.  “Just let me know, and I’ll have it put on the original birth certificate.”

They sit in the truck together and watch her drive away, Michael making no move to start the truck.  “We’re going to be dads.  I can’t believe it,” he turns to Alex, tears shining in his eyes.

“We have a daughter,” Alex says in awe. He gives Michael a watery smile.

“Do you want to name her Nora?” he asks Michael once they are on the way home.  Michael turns to briefly look at him, but doesn’t answer right away.

“She needs her own name,” Michael tells him once they are home.  “I don’t want her to feel like she has to live up to something or be a replacement.”

They call Beth the next morning. She tells them that since Amber is an enrolled member of the Tribe, the adoption needs to be approved by the Tribal Council.  That also means Beth can handle the paperwork rather than requiring them to go with a private agency that handles infant adoptions. She meets them at the hearing, and Alex can’t help but apologize for not following through on their plans.

“Alex, there’s nothing to be sorry about.  Would I have loved to place one of my kids with you, of course I would.  But a child who needs a family is going to be raised in a loving home.  How can I not see that as a win?”

“It feels like this is what was supposed to happen,” he admits.

“Then let’s go get you your daughter.”

Since Alex is also an enrolled member, and they’ve committed to enrolling the baby, the hearing is mostly a formality. Greg comes and speaks on their behalf, and in less than an hour, the adoption is approved.

The hearing is also the last time they see Amber in person.  They talk for a few minutes after, but Alex can tell while she’s obviously relieved, she doesn’t want to linger.  Her smile brightens when Michael tells her the name they’ve chosen, Amirah Estelle.

“It’s beautiful, I think she’ll love it.”

There’s no way to thank her for what she is giving them so they just try not to make it awkward.  They introduce her to Beth, and quietly say goodbye, leaving them to discuss the details of what comes next for Amber.

Their second anniversary falls a month before Amber’s due date, and they spend a week at Eduardo’s villa in Mexico celebrating.  It has a private beach, and Alex watches the sun turn Michael’s skin a deep gold while lightening his curls so he glows in a way that makes Alex’s chest hurt.  Alex spends hours licking the salt from Michael’s skin while they get sleepy drunk on Valenti’s family tequila.  It’s perfect and the days stretch out and go by too fast at the same time.

“We won’t be able to do this next year,” Michael says on their last night.

Alex looks up from where he’d been dozing on Michael’s chest, listening to Michael’s heartbeat while Michael stroked his hair.  “Someone will take her for a few days, or we’ll just bring her with us.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Alex props himself up on his elbow.  “I was afraid of losing this when you first mentioned kids.  I was worried about losing parts of you, but now I’m more excited about the parts of you I’ll gain.”

“Like what?” Michael asks, wiggling down on the bed so their faces are even.

“I want to see you hold our daughter, I want to see you show her the stars, and I want to see if you’ll be strict about homework or get thrown out of Little League games or if you’ll be the one to braid her hair.  I love everything about you, Michael.  And now I get to see you as a father and love you even more.”

“Alex,” Michael breathes, blinking back tears.  “I love you so much, and I can’t believe I get to have a baby with you.  You are going to be an amazing father.”

“I hope so,” Alex smiles at Michael’s confidence in him.  “But in the meantime, we should take advantage of our time alone.  He kisses Michael, laughing when Michael rolls them over, and there’s no more talking after that.

They come home to find a nursery painted in a muted version of the Oasian sky, stars dotting the ceiling and iridescent butteerflies and glowing birds flying across the walls.  The empty room they left behind is fully furnished, the closet and dresser filled with clothes.

“You said no baby shower, but you didn’t say no gifts,” Isobel reminds them when she shows them the room.  “Rosa’s been working on the design for weeks with Max so you better like it.”

It’s beautiful, and he and Michael find themselves in there several times a day.  Seeing the space for a baby in their home makes their impending parenthood finally feel real.

Beth is the one to call them when Amirah is born, and she meets them when they arrive.  “She looks great,” she immediately reassures them.  “Healthy and strong.  The hospital will keep her for forty-eight hours, and you can stay with her in one of the family rooms off the NICU.  If Amber signs the relinquishment papers, you can take her home after that.”

Neither of them ask what will happen if Amber doesn’t sign the papers, because they can’t think about that when they desperately want to meet their daughter.  She’s sleeping when they first see her, a tiny bundle in the hospital bassinet.  The lights are turned down low, but Alex can still see the way her hair peeps out from underneath her hat, see the curve of her cheek.

The nurse in the room fills them in on all her measurements - weight, length, APGAR score. “We want to do two hours of skin to skin contact with both of you to help with the bonding process.”

Alex knew this was coming, but it’s still awkward to take off their shirts and climb into a hospital bed together.  He nudges Michael to go first when the nurse comes over with Amirah.  She settles her against Michael’s chest and covers them with a blanket.  “Feel free to play music if you want or just talk to her.  I’ll be back when it’s time for her next bottle.  Just hit the alert button if you need anything.”

And then they’re alone, just the three of them.  And it hits Alex that it will be the three of them from now on.  He and Michael have a daughter.  Alex is sitting behind Michael so he tucks his face into his neck so he can see Amirah over Michael’s shoulder.

Alex watches as Michael carefully traces one finger over her face and down her back.  Amirah’s still asleep, but she wiggles slightly in response to Michael’s touch.  “She’s so beautiful,” Michael whispers.

“Mmmhmm,” Alex hums his agreement.  He turns his head to look at Michael, soaking in the love and awe on his face.  Tears fall silently, and Alex brushes them away before kissing his cheek.

There’s something intimate and peaceful about this time alone together, Alex holding Michael while he holds their daughter, the room dark and quiet.  He understands why the hospital recommends it.  Just when Amirah starts to fuss, the nurse comes in with her bottle.  She walks them through feeding and changing her.  When she is settled and checked over, they rearrange themselves on the bed, and this time the nurse hands Amirah to Alex.

She blinks up at him before falling back asleep, and he can’t believe how small and light she is for all the space she takes up in his heart.  Alex doesn’t cry when he holds her.  His love for her doesn’t feel soft - it’s fierce and already rooted deeper than he imagined.  He told Michael once that he would burn the world down for him, and he knows he would do the same for Amirah in a heartbeat.  Alex closes his eyes and settles himself and Amirah in Michael’s embrace and silently promises that her happiness and safety will always be his priority.

Their two days in the hospital are a nice bubble from the world, but they also go by quickly - a crash course in caring for a baby they both need.  Research and video tutorials can’t truly prepare them for a living child.  They learn that Amber was released the morning after Amirah was born, and she signs the relinquishment papers as soon as the forty-eight hours are up.  Greg later tells Alex that Amber spent a week with her grandmother before returning to Stanford for the second summer session.

Beth brings them all the paperwork they need to prove they have custody of Amirah once she is ready to be released.  She walks them out, hugging them both once Amirah is secure in her car seat.  “I’ll be by in a few weeks to check in on her, make sure you are all settling in.  And remember, you can’t post any pictures until the adoption is finalized.”

Michael laughs, “No worries there.  Alex has strong opinions about the dangers of social media.”

“It’s not just identity theft, which is easy enough, but anything you post can be manipulated.  I can’t believe how vulnerable people leave themselves for a few seconds on validation.”  Michael clears his throat, and Alex realizes he probably shouldn’t explain how he can - and has - used social media as a weapon against people he found profiting off stolen alien artifacts.  Beth doesn’t need to know he can ruin someone’s life in five minutes without ever leaving his desk.

“I can tell she’s in good hands,” Beth smiles at them.  “We’ll talk soon.”

Their first week at home is a disaster.  Everything that was so easy at the hospital becomes a battle.  Amirah doesn’t want to eat or sleep, she flails through her bath, making both Alex and Michael terrified of dropping her.  “Do you think it’s safe for me to catch her with telekinesis if we drop her?” he asks as they struggle to contain a slippery infant.

“It’s better than letting her hit the floor,” Alex admits.  “But we should probably stick with just not dropping her.”

Despite their eagerness to introduce her to their family, the constant stream of visitors makes it hard to settle into a routine.  Everyone has advice to give even though, Arturo excluded, they have no more experience with babies than Alex or Michael do.  Amirah shows a strong preference for Max - quieting the quickest when he holds her.  No one can figure out exactly what he’s doing, but it almost always works.

“Well it’s not an alien thing,” Isobel tells them when Amirah refuses to take a bottle from her.

“And it’s not a guy thing,” Kyle says, conceding defeat when none of his doctor tricks work on getting her to sleep.

“Don’t look at me,” Liz hands Amirah back to Max after she spits up on her.  “I’ll be her favorite as soon as she’s old enough for her first chemistry set.  But for now, Max is the baby whisperer.”

Eventually the visits slow to a manageable level and they settle into daily life with a baby.  Sanders bans Michael from the junkyard for two weeks, and Alex has twelve weeks of paternity leave.  It’s all bottles and diapers and figuring out snaps on clothes and still remembering to walk Charlie, but they make it work.

The first time Amirah reaches for him, kicking her legs and cooing, when he goes to pick her up, Alex finds himself tearing up.  He sits with Amirah in the recliner and lets himself cry the tears he didn’t have at the hospital.  As she watches him, eyes too wise for her age, he realizes it is not just about him loving her, it’s also about her loving him, about her looking to him for love and guidance and support. 

Michael finds him, and asks carefully, “Are you ok?”  When Alex nods, he settles on the floor in front of them, resting his head on Alex’s knee.  “It’s a lot, isn’t it.”

“I didn’t realize,” Alex’s voice trails off, not sure what he’s trying to say.

“I know,” Michael says. “She’s everything.”

Alex knows Michael understands everything he doesn’t have words for yet, and he’s so grateful they’re doing this together.  “Not just her,” Alex runs his hand through Michael’s hair.  

“Yeah,” Michael agrees, turning his head to kiss Alex’s knee.  Neither of them move until Amirah demands her dinner.

Amirah’s first cold is a week of sleepless nights and worrying.  Three days into it, Isobel arrives with dinner and a promise to walk with Amirah so they can eat and take a nap.  The food is delicious, but Alex’s eyes are dropping before he gets halfway through his milkshake.  He falls asleep on the couch while Michael is showing Isobel how the vaporizer works.

He wakes to voices and the smell of coffee and realizes Michael and Isobel must be in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe she’s still asleep,” Michael says.

“I may have encouraged her a bit,” Isobel replies.

Alex sits up, suddenly wide awake, but before he can get up he hears Michael say something he can’t quite make out.  Isobel laughs in response.

“I’m kidding.  No influencing the baby, I got it.”

Alex relaxes again, letting their conversation wash over him, tuning in when something catches his attention.

“You’re a good dad, Michael.  I knew you would be,” he hears Isobel tell Michael.

“You’ll be a good mom, too,” he assures her.

“Maybe,” Isobel sighs.  “I’m not sure it will happen for me.”

“Hey, my offer of baby gravy still stands.”

Alex makes a face at the same time he hears Isobel snort.

“I told you not to call it that.  And while I appreciate the offer, I figure it out myself if I’m ready.”

“If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask.”  Michael’s reply is the last thing Alex hears before he falls asleep again.

The next time he wakes up, the house is dark and Isobel is gone.  He checks on Amirah and finds her still asleep in her crib, breathing a little easier, Charlie guarding her from the hallway.  Michael is also asleep so Alex takes a quick shower before joining him in bed.  He watches Michael sleep and thinks of his conversation with Isobel.  Since they planned on adopting older children, they never talked about other options.  But Amirah changed that, and Alex wonders if Michael wants a child of his own - one with his curls or his quick mind.

He brings it up the next morning after Amirah’s bath.  “If we had another baby, would you want to use a surrogate?”

“What?” Michael looks up from where he’d been rubbing lotion onto Amirah’s legs.

“I heard you and Isobel talking last night,” Alex shrugs.  “We never considered it before, and I wondered if that’s something you’d want.”

“Nah,” Michael shakes his head before leaning down and blowing a raspberry on Amirah’s belly.  “You think I could love this one more if we shared some DNA.  No way.”

“It’s not about that, I just want you to have the option.”

“Don’t need it,” Michael insists.  “I have no desire to pass on my genetics.”  He holds up a hand when Alex starts to protest.  “I do it for Isobel if she asked, but it’s not how I want to build our family.  I like what we’re doing so far.  Ok?”

“Ok,” Alex agrees, picking up Amirah and wrestling her into a clean sleeper.

When Alex’s leave is up, he makes arrangements to work from home three days a week, and Michael adjusts his schedule so one of them is always home with Amirah.

“I can’t believe it,” Liz shakes her head when he tells her.  “I thought you’d be dying to get back to work.”

“Not really.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some projects I am eager to get back to, but I’d much rather work from home as much as I can.”  Alex peeks under the blanket he’d thrown over Amirah to make sure she was still asleep before shifting her a little higher on his chest.  Max and Liz had come over for dinner and it was warm enough for Liz and Alex to stay out on the deck while Max and Michael were in the workshop going over something for Max’s next visit to Oasis.  She snuffles a little so he kisses her forehead and shushes her softly. “That’s my girl,” he croones once she closes her eyes again.

“You're such a dad,” Liz smiles at him when he looks up. 

Alex smiles back, not the slightest bit concerned about letting everyone know how much he loves his daughter.  “She makes it easy.”

“No, I think it’s you.  You and Michael both, you’re meant for this.  Max will be an amazing father, too.  And we’re starting to talk about when and how that might happen, but I don’t think I’ll be the one staying home,” Liz admits hesitantly.

“That’s fine,” Alex reaches over and squeezes her hand.  “There’s no one way to do this, and you know that.  Besides, I don't think there is a safe way to run a genetics lab in the same house as children, and you still have a Nobel Prize to win.”

“True,” Liz laughs.

Alex looks at Liz and finally works up the courage to ask the question he’s been afraid to ask.  “Has she reached out to you?”

“Alex,” Liz chides him gently.  “Do you really want to know?”

“No,” Alex admits guiltily.  “It’s just I’m happy Liz, I’m so fucking happy, but I don’t know if Amber is.  And I don’t want to know because,” he tightens his hold on Amirah.  “Because I wouldn’t change anything.”

“You’re responsible for Amirah and her happiness, not Amber’s,” Liz tells him.

“It’s hard to remember that when I have her daughter.”

“Amirah is your daughter, not Amber’s.  That’s the choice Amber made, and one you and Michael accepted.  From what you told me, she knew what she wanted.  Don’t take her choice away from her because you feel guilty about being happy.”

Alex knows she’s right, but the closer the adoption gets, the more he worries that somehow he’s unworthy of so much happiness, and he’s going to lose it.  He and Caleb are working on it, but it’s a hard demon to shake.  “What would you have done,” he asks Liz, “if you had gotten pregnant in college?”

Liz looks stricken when he asks the question, and he instantly feels guilty for even asking.  “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“No it’s ok.  Probably something like this,” Liz gestures to Alex and Amirah before biting her lip and looking away.  “Or maybe I wouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“Liz,” Alex takes her hand again, mentally berating himself for asking her to bare her soul to comfort him.

She looks up and crosses herself, muttering in Spanish before squeezing his hand.  “Papi would be devastated if he knew I thought it let alone said it out loud, but it’s true.  I worked so hard to be the smartest, to be the best, and for a long time that’s all I had.  I couldn’t have given that up, it would have killed me.”

Alex just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.

“When you are a girl, you’re told anything you want to do, anything you accomplish is temporary.  You’re supposed to set it aside one day to be a mother.  That’s supposed to be your real dream.  But that’s not true for all of us.  It’s not true for me, and if Amber’s as much like me as she sounds, it’s not true for her either.  What you did, giving her the freedom to follow her dreams, that was a gift.  You helped both of them, you didn’t take anything from her.”

“I hope you’re right,” he says softly.

“I’m always right,” Liz insists, breaking the tension.

Amirah’s adoption is finalized when she’s six months out.  She’s quiet in Alex’s arms, taking in the unfamiliar environment.  But when the judge asks for a picture with the new family, she giggles and pulls at his beard.  The picture on their mantle shows all of them laughing, the judge making a funny face at Amirah as she claps her hands.

Since their hearing was in the morning, Maria throws a party at the Wild Pony before it opens.  Amirah is happy to be passed from person to person, basking in the attention, leaving Alex and Michael free to socialize and eat using both hands.  She crashes a few hours in, falling asleep in Max’s arms.

As things are winding down, Alex boxes the leftover cake and snags Maria by the waist when she walks by to clear away the empty platters.  “Thanks for this,” he presses a kiss to her temple.

“I remember you telling me you wanted your kids to grow up in the Pony, so this seemed like a good way to start,” Maria teases him.

“This isn’t quite what I meant,” he says, feeling the gentle tug of nostalgia for the dreams he once had.

“I know,” Maria agrees softly. “But it’s how it was always meant to be.”

“Maybe,” he agrees, looking over to where Amirah is awake and back with Michael, both of them flipping through a picture book Rosa made for her. 

They’re not her first steps, but one day Amirah runs from Michael to Alex on unsteady legs, yelling “Da, Da, Da, Da,” and Alex knows what he wants.  He catches her in her arms, kissing her face and neck until she is laughing and wiggling to get down so she can run back to Michael. 

Alex doesn’t say anything then because it’s easy to be sure when Amirah is happy and Michael is playing with her and listening to her babbling like she’s telling him the secrets of the universe.  He waits until after bath time when Amirah screams the whole time because she recently decided she hates getting her hair wet.  He waits until he’s more exhausted than she is, but she’s still fighting sleep, her earlier cries whittled down to occasional wet gasps.

He waits while Michael straightens the bathroom and takes Charlies out.  He waits until they fall into bed, too tired to do more than cuddle.  He waits until nothing is perfect, but he still knows what he wants.

“I think we should call Beth,” he whispers into Michael’s neck.

[onward--upward]

several sentence sunday!!

hello friends!! thanks roop @firenati0n for the tag MWAH!

i know i said i was gonna write some rwrb next but ALAS!! my adhd brain has focused on roswell new mexico again instead, so. here i am. this is something i like to call "time travel swap", AKA: help i woke up in the future! (i know only like 1% of my followers watch this show however this is part of my long con to get you all to watch the silly alien show)

enjoy!! x

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, because the look on Michael’s face is kind of heartbreaking – the mixture of concern and expectation that Alex can’t fulfill. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know how I got here, I went to bed at home.”  “Home,” Guerin repeats. “Alex. This is home.”  Alex shakes his head, hair flopping into his eyes a little. “I don’t know where I am,” he says, voice breaking.  “Okay,” Guerin says. “Okay, we can fix this. Let me, uh – I’ll call Liz. I’ll call Isobel. We’ll figure this out.” While he’s talking, he throws the blankets off, sliding out of bed and into a pair of sweatpants so smoothly that Alex doesn’t even have a chance to dwell on the fact that he was just sleeping naked. With Alex. In what is apparently their bed.  Alex pinches himself surreptitiously underneath the covers. Perhaps he’s in, like, a coma. Maybe this is a fever dream, an invention of his own depraved mind. It seems like something that he might come up with – waking up with a hot guy who calls him ‘honey’ is the kind of insane, unattainable domestic dream that he’s had before.

open tag because it is late and i havent been on this silly website all day so idk who has done this already <3 MWAH

[dear-indies]

hiya there!! i’m currently stumped on an oc fc of mine and i’m wondering if you could please help me? this might end up being a long request so i apologize.

i’m making a fallout oc who’s meant to have a cowboy type vibe, but i’m stumped for fcs!! could you please suggest some fcs for a man between the ages of 30-50 ish with cowboy vibes/resources? also, if it’s not too much to ask, i’m also looking for someone with a kind of classical old hollywood type look - someone who could fit into a 1950s-1960s setting (since fallout is set in an alternate history universe)… tl;dr: looking for a cowboy fc with a classic or old hollywood star look to him. i hope this makes sense!! so sorry if this is a lot to ask 😅 thank you for helping not only me, but the rp community as a whole!!!! -🏜️ {desert anon}

Mo Brings Plenty (1969) Oglala Lakota.

Aaron Pedersen (1970) Arrernte and Arabana - Mystery Road.

Walton Goggins (1971) - The Hateful Eight.

Idris Elba (1972) Sierra Leonean / Ghanaian - Concrete Cowboy and The Harder They Fall.

Patrick Wilson (1973) - Bone Tomahawk.

Andrew Lincoln (1973) - vibes in The Walking Dead.

Tahmoh Penikett (1975) Tanana Athabascan / White - Strange Empire.

Edi Gathegi (1979) Kenyan - The Harder They Fall.

Gabriel Luna (1982) Mexican and Lipan Apache - The Last of Us.

Brian Michael Smith (1983) African-American - is a trans man - he done a photoshoot with a cowboy hat and he wears plaid in 911: Lone Star.

Martin Sensmeier (1985) Tlingit, Koyukon, Eyak, White - Frybread Face and Me.

Alex Meraz (1985) Mexican [Purepecha and Lakota Sioux] - The Last Son, vibs in The Walking Dead - has spoken up for Palestine!

Rahul Kohli (1985) Punjabi Indian - uses he/they - vibes in Midnight Mass - has spoken up for Palestine!

Amar Chadha-Patel (1986) Indian - vibes in Willow.

Denim Richards (1988) African-American - Yellowstone.

Daniel Kaluuya (1989) Ugandan - Nope.

Kiowa Gordon (1990) Hualapai and White - Reservation Dogs, Dark Winds - has spoken up for Palestine!

Michael Vlamis (1991) Lebanese and White - Roswell New Mexico.

Hey anon! Here are everybody I know with cowboy resources in that age range. I think Patrick Wilson has the most 50s-60s vibes but there's a few others too.

[pastelwitchling]

Alex Manes Appreciation Week (5/5)

                Michael hated everything about this.

                He hated watching Alex push himself out of bed at an ungodly hour Friday morning, ridiculously assuming that he would be making the drive to Texas on his own. He hated watching Alex walk into a flower shop on the way and buy a bouquet of wildflowers (“Scott’s favorite,” he said) and unwilling to let them go for the rest of the way. He hated watching Alex come to a gravesite where a blonde woman Michael didn’t know—Scott’s younger sister, Katie, he would later find out—jumped into his arms, her face streaked with tears.

                “Where’s Hannah?”

                “She’s on her way,” Katie said, clinging to Alex’s side. “Grandma called, I left while they were still talking.”

                Michael hated watching Alex with these people he didn’t know, from a world he’d never been part of, smiling at Alex like he was a son that Roswell had stolen away. Michael hated it worse that standing back and watching was all he could do. Alex didn’t need him here, he’d come for his own sake, he’d known that. And yet knowing it and seeing it were two completely different things.

                So caught up in how much he felt like an outsider, Michael almost missed Alex introducing him. “This is my husband, Michael Guerin.”

                “Hi,” Katie smiled warmly. “I’m Katie Mason.”

                “Oh, Alex, he’s gorgeous,” Hannah, Scott’s mother, told Alex, and in their kindness, Michael could see why Alex had warmed up to the family so quickly. They treated him the way his own family always should’ve and never had. And Michael hadn’t even known that they existed until a few days ago.

                But he smiled and he was polite and rubbed Alex’s back as he silently cried at Scott’s gravestone through a clenched jaw.

                It wasn’t until Alex bid them a fond goodbye and they were back in Michael’s truck on their way home that Michael shook his head and said, “I don’t deserve you.”

                “Hm?” Alex blinked. “What?”

                “You have this whole other life you could’ve escaped to,” Michael said, “and you stayed in Roswell to fight a battle that wasn’t even yours. Why?”

                Alex seemed to understand right away, and hummed, rested his head back against the headrest. “I love you. Where else would I be?”

                “Alex, you had a real family.”

                “You’re my real family,” Alex said, offended that Michael could imply anything else. “And—and so is Kyle, and Isobel, and Max, and Dallas, and Liz, and my brothers—I have a family in Roswell.”

                “But . . .” he swallowed. “These people . . .”

                Alex’s eyes softened. “Guerin, my men and their families . . . they’re just part of my life. Not all of it. I told you, you’re my everything, no one else.”

                Michael exhaled shakily, not knowing how afraid he’d been that Alex would agree that he deserved better until he refused it. “You sure you won’t wish you’d married someone else?”

                Alex chuckled and took Michael’s hand in both of his own. “I think even Scott would’ve said that I was ruined for anyone but you.”

                Michael squeezed his hand tighter at the mention of his army buddy, and he said, “I’m sorry about your friend.”

                A pause. “Me, too.”

                Neither of them said nothing for a long time, Michael’s hand clasped between Alex’s, and then finally Michael said, “Okay, Private, we’ve got a long drive back to New Mexico, so would you please get some sleep now?” Silence. “Alex?”

                Michael looked over and his lips quirked. Curled up on his seat, Alex lay there fast asleep, his expression one of a peace he hadn’t known in too long. Michael used his powers to lean the seat back, but Alex’s grip on his hand never loosened, like even in sleep he needed Michael close.

                “I know how that feels, baby,” Michael murmured, smiling against Alex’s brow before he pressed a soft kiss there. “I know.”

***

@alexmanesappreciation

I don't know where to start. Most people have gone inactive since the show ended, and it breaks my heart to go onto tumblr and rarely see an update in the tags anymore. I kind of saw it coming because even during hiatuses, the fandom turned really quiet, so this just makes a grim sort of sense.

Personally, I hope I never stop writing malex. I hope I'm posting fics on malex Monday years from now, I hope new projects keep coming, and until no one is reading anymore, I hope I don't stop. I understand others not finding the point, but I physically and emotionally need Alex Manes and malex, and I can't give them up. If I can last a year-long hiatus, I should be able to do this, right? At least for a little longer. And at least for my favorite airman.

So my beautiful Alex Manes, my magical Tyler Blackburn, my love, this is all for you ❤

[shitouttabuck]

wip wednesday

tagged by @try-set-me-on-fire @rewritetheending @eddiediaztho @giddyupbuck @forthewolves

this is not from x-files au because my brain isn’t cooperating with Plot and also q has me binging five episodes of roswell new mexico every night instead so im busy thinking about bisexual cowboys rather than. bisexual government agents. this is from something silly

“He ate his breakfast too fast again,” Chris tells Eddie long-sufferingly. “He’s had them for ten minutes.” “I’m fine,” Buck says before hiccuping incriminatingly. “S’fine, they’ll—hic—go in a min—hic—”  Christopher sighs and stacks his washed plate to dry as Buck turns to Eddie with the most pathetic look of regret Eddie’s ever seen on him.  “This is the second time this week,” Eddie tells him, fondness so big he doesn’t know why he bothers with the faux-exasperation.  “My ears’ll pop weirdly on the plane,” Buck says miserably. “I’m gonna be hearing funny for a week. Just what you want when you’re [redacted] your boyfriend’s family for the first time.” Eddie kisses him, quick press of chapped lips to his birthmark before stepping back. “You’ll be fine by the time we get to the airport. Which—can we leave? The cab’s waiting.”

tagging @anxieteandbiscuits @onward--upward @jeeyuns @eddiebabygirldiaz @zahlibeth @housewifebuck @transboybuckley @clusterbuck @rainbow-nerdss @athenagranted @buckactuallys 💗💗💗

[cuddlyreader]

I'd love to hear your top 7-10 OTPs! I'm guessing Leyton and Delena are both on the list?

Hello! I'm reusing my answer from an old post for this because I am proud of it. :)

Brenda and Dylan (Beverly Hills 90210) - As I have said before, I love Shannen Doherty. This show is the reason why. Brenda was my favorite character from day one, and her romance with Dylan was so intense and epic. This one has to be the first time an emotionally damaged character stole my heart. He needed her screaming and crying at him to understand that someone loves him because no one did until then. She needed his recklessness to temper her own. They grounded each other with their love.

Buffy and Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) - Watching these two fall in love and be unable to resist it was so much fun. They were actually doomed from the start. I mean…a vampire and a vampire slayer…that has tragedy written all over it. She literally killed him, and he came back from a Hell world (sounds familiar). Then, they fell right back in love (hmm, also familiar). They loved so hard, and their world was always in peril, which kept the angst level pretty high. For years, Angel wallowed in the torment of guilt that his soul provided. She gave him a purpose…her purpose. Her entire reason for being was to save people. She made him want to do that, too. He made her realize that not all monsters are evil and not all “good” guys are good. In my mind, they found their way back to each other and lived happily ever after.

Willow and Tara (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) - These two had the most beautiful and sweet love, and I am bitter that the idiot writer killed off Tara. Shy, bookish Willow really grew into a powerful and strong witch because of this relationship. She could fully be herself, and it was amazing. Tara, sweet Tara, was so kind and compassionate. She held Willow accountable in her magic, which turned out to be pretty important. I won’t even get into the fact that at this time, there was very little LGBTQ representation on television. Yep, I’m still angry.

Pacey and Joey (Dawson’s Creek) - Dawson’s Creek is my comfort show. I watch it all the way through several times a year. There is nothing that soothes me like it does. When this show aired, there was nothing more enjoyable than watching Pacey and Joey fall for each other against their own wishes. Pacey knew first, and he tried not to act on it for the sake of their friend Dawson (I won’t go into how annoyed that makes me given that Dawson didn’t want her.). Joey fought it with everything she had for the same reason and also because it was so real that it scared the hell out of her. He pushed her to grow and become the person she was meant to be, and she accepted him as is without any expectations other than they would do it together. They had the best dynamic. They bickered and laughed and cried, but they worked at their relationship like you do in grown-up relationships. Even when they broke up, they cared about each other consistently. My favorite episode is when they get stuck in K-Mart overnight. Joyously, they were also endgame.

Max and Liz (OG Roswell and Roswell, New Mexico) - By now, I have established that I love intense love. That’s exactly what og Max and Liz had. Liz was very structured and academically driven. Max was very closed off from everyone including Michael and Isabel. He opened her mind and heart to possibility. She made him feel and be open about it. They loved so intensely that even supposed alien fate couldn’t keep them apart. I was so sad the show was canceled so soon, but I am eternally grateful that they were endgame and that I got to see it. They sort of switched the emotional roles of new Max and Liz, which I like. They would still do anything for each other, so they are still my OTP. Admittedly, I haven’t watched the last season because I’m sad about it being the last.

Peyton and Lucas (One Tree Hill) - Look, they were always drawn to each other, but their timing was awful. I loved how no matter what, they were there for each other, even if it was just as friends. Peyton was the broken one in this relationship. She lost too much at too young an age. Feeling so deeply terrified her. And let’s face it, Lucas was intense. He felt everything and didn’t shy away from it. It was immensely gratifying to see them finally be happy together.

Logan and Veronica (Veronica Mars) - Logan was a real ass at the beginning of this show, and they were full-on enemies. So, I can honestly say I did not ship them at first. The metamorphosis that Logan goes through to be a better man is truly remarkable. To be fair, they both have emotional damage in this one. Veronica copes with her losses by saving others, but her love for Logan scares her. They both had to work out their own stuff before they could successfully be together. Thankfully, we got to see that they made it. I have no comment about the killing of my beloved Logan.

Damon and Elena (The Vampire Diaries) - Anyone that follows me knows that these two are my current obsession. Damon has literally spent over a century and a half being abandoned and rejected by his father, mother, brother, and love. To say that I love him is the understatement of the century. He had no intention of falling in love with Elena. He wanted to save Katherine, and her rejection nearly killed him. He feels everything so much that he can’t cope, and then he snaps. Elena saves him. Period. She makes him feel human because she treats him like one. She expects him to care and makes him want to do better. And he does, starting with her. He loves her so much that it is palpable. Damon makes her look at herself and the world differently. He pushes her to be and accept her true self no matter who that is or who she is with. I am elated that they got their long and happy human life together.

Clary and Jace (Shadowhunters) - I love Jace with every fiber of my being. I just want him to have love and happiness. He did not get that deserved love from his parents, and he never felt like he deserved it after that. Clary brought him to life. She was caring and compassionate for everyone: mundane, shadowhunter, or downworlder. Loving her opened Jace’s heart to everything. I choose to believe that the ending we got means they find their way back to each other and live happily ever after. I know I could finish the books, but I honestly cannot read Cassandra Clare’s writing anymore. Besides, where they are in my mind is good for me.

Magnus and Alec (Shadowhunters) - Magnus is one of my favorite characters ever. He’s loved many times over the centuries he’s lived, but what he has with Alec is so much more. Like all shadowhunters, Alec doesn’t trust downworlders, but for him, it’s more than that. He believes he has a duty to his family, and being with Magnus flies in the face of that duty. Magnus not so subtly or easily pushes past Alec’s defenses. Once they get together, they make each other better, and it’s literally magical. Their wedding was everything I could have hoped for as far as endgame goes.

[changingthingslikeleaves]

The banter relaxed him. When Alex was chewing over a problem, unable to figure out a resolution, Michael usually knew how to pull him out of his own head, at least for a few hours. The challenge of trying to beat Michael at pool required his full attention, especially since Michael would cheat given half a chance—not out of competitiveness, but playfulness.

“Max, you need to keep an eye on him and make sure none of the balls get moved while I’m not looking.”

“He can move balls too, you know,“ Michael said, providing plenty of distraction while leaning across the table to fill the rack.

“Leave my balls out of it,” Max protested.

*

Read more on AO3

[notsowrites]

for the Roswell New Mexico Big Bang 2022

Summary: Alex & Michael’s honeymoon is interrupted when Anatsa follows Liz out into the desert, discovering the portal and putting the aliens in harm's way when the location becomes public knowledge. The gang must work together to avoid dangerous government intervention, and ensure that Max & Dallas can safely return home from Oasis.

----------

Excerpt from Chapter One: 

Isobel laughs on the other end. “So what are we going to do? How do I deal with this?”

Before he can answer, he hears the glass door slide open behind him, and turns to look, watching as Michael steps outside wearing only his boxers. For a moment, Alex focuses on the ring on his left hand, the afternoon sunlight reflecting off it as he crosses over to him. His hair is a mess, sticking up in all directions and Alex has a moment to wonder what Michael would look like with it all pulled back, filing the idea away for later. 

“Isobel texted,” he says as Michael falls into the empty chair next to him.

“Put her on speaker.”

Pulling the phone away from his ear, Alex presses the screen for speakerphone, and holds it out between the two of them.

“What’s up, Isobel?”

“There’s my dear brother, finally,” she exclaims, and Alex swears he can hear the eyeroll in the tone of her voice. “Did you make your husband call me so you didn’t have to?”

Michael rolls his eyes. “I was sleeping.”

“Anatsa knows about the portal and the console, Michael. And now she’s here in my studio and she’s asking questions about what she saw, and I’m freaking out about how to handle it.”

“She’s at your place?”

“Yes, Michael, she’s here.”

He watches as Michael leans his head back, and realizes this isn’t going to be something they can solve from three states away. 

“I haven’t even seen the ocean yet, Isobel. You couldn’t wait until then to have your crisis interrupt us?”

And that’s one of the reasons Alex had been so excited for them to travel together to California. He knew Michael had never left the state, except for a trip to Texas a couple years ago, and there was something that made their entire honeymoon feel even more special that he’d get to be there to see Michael experience it.

[Read the fic on AO3]

@rnmbb

[rp-partnerfinder]

Hello! 😃 I’m a 28 F who has 10+ years experience in rp looking for other 21+ writers who would be interested in an rp set in space. I’m currently reading Cascade Failure and have been itching for a space cowboy adventure type rp since watching Roswell, New Mexico. 🛸🌌

I have some general ideas but would love to talk and plot things out before we start anything. I do prefer MxM plots with OCs but we can talk about the rest! I’m open to pretty much anything.

If there are any discord groups out there similar to this, I am also open to joining those! If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, give a like and I’ll reach out to you!

.

[rphunter]

Hello! 😃 I’m a 28 F who has 10+ years experience in rp looking for other 21+ writers who would be interested in an rp set in space. I’m currently reading Cascade Failure and have been itching for a space cowboy adventure type rp since watching Roswell, New Mexico. 🛸🌌

I have some general ideas but would love to talk and plot things out before we start anything. I do prefer MxM plots with OCs but we can talk about the rest! I’m open to pretty much anything.

If there are any discord groups out there similar to this, I am also open to joining those! If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, give a like and I’ll reach out to you!

,

[prpfz]

Hello! 😃 I’m a 28 F who has 10+ years experience in rp looking for other 21+ writers who would be interested in an rp set in space. I’m currently reading Cascade Failure and have been itching for a space cowboy adventure type rp since watching Roswell, New Mexico. 🛸🌌

I have some general ideas but would love to talk and plot things out before we start anything. I do prefer MxM plots with OCs but we can talk about the rest! I’m open to pretty much anything.

If there are any discord groups out there similar to this, I am also open to joining those! If this sounds like something you’d be interested in, give a like and I’ll reach out to you!

give a like and anon will get back to you

[justsomebirdy]

23, 30, 40 for the ask game 😊

Ehehe Ty for asking 🦜🧡

23. Do you believe in aliens?

100% I’ve never seen anything or had an experience per se, but space is just way too big to think there’s *nothing* out there. That being said I was raised by a very geeky dad who also believed in aliens, dated a girl in HS who scared the shit out of me telling me about Whitley Strieber’s Communion (and stories of when he lived in Austin which is where I live now), and grew up in the BOONS so heard lots of bizarre and scary noises at night surrounded by nothing but cows & fields :’) (also I love New Mexico and Roswell is such a tourist trap that’s also stuck in the past, it rules)

30. What’s something in the near future you’re looking forward to?

Can I put a few? Several concerts this fall, (Mitski, atarashii gakko, maybe ACL if I’m brave for Chappel), I’m trying to finish a new comic to have ready for my friends new graphic novel launch party as she invited me to do a reading, and I’m back to planning my solo Scotland trip!! (Thanks to my passport finally showing up lmao)

40. Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy?

I’m not a huge beach person, unless we’re talking the pacific northwest with their gorgeous rocky beaches connecting to big beautiful woods. So I guess cloudy & moody lmao. Like cmon?? MOUNTAINS? Ugh. (Pic from my last trip to Seattle) Ty for asking!!! 🧡

[onward--upward]

fic stats meme!

Rules: Give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words

tagged by the lovely @cowboy-buddie 💖

most hits:

steppin’ into fate (911 Fox)

911 hockey AU my most beloved!!

“What the hell is this?” Evan Buckley storms into the office without knocking, tossing his phone onto the desk.

“The LA Kings have signed forward Eddie Diaz (@EDiaz82) to a five year contract” it reads. Buck doesn’t need to see it to know. He’s stared at it long enough already. There’s a graphic of Eddie Diaz and his stupidly pretty face beneath it, in his old Dallas Stars green and white, mouth open as he skates the puck up the ice. He’d looked at the replies, all of the “omg”s and heart-eyes emojis and 280-character amateur analysis of Diaz’s skills. He’d scrolled until he’d hit the inevitable “so when are we trading buckley?” tweets, and then he’d stormed into Bobby’s office without thinking about it twice.

second most kudos:

stitch my soul (911 Fox)

buddie soulmate au, one of my most favourite fics i’ve ever written

Eddie Diaz has never really put much stock into the concept of "fate". But after his marriage falls apart, he swears that he's not going to go against the universe again. He's going to find his soulmate. He's going to find Evan.

But then he meets Buck, and all of his careful plans start coming apart at the seams.

third most comments:

this is worth forever to me (911 Fox)

“Oh, right,” Buck nods, punching in the digits on autopilot. “Thanks.”

“God,” Eddie mutters, “it’s like I’m your husband.” And Buck’s entire being freezes, for just a moment. The machine beeps at him, and all he can do is stare blankly at it for a moment before flushing and yanking his card out. “Or – wife?” Eddie muses. Buck isn’t even looking at him, but he knows exactly what face he makes. “No, I’m gonna go with husband.”

The cashier is watching them like they’re a particularly riveting television show. All Buck can think to say is, “You’re not hot enough to be my husband.” Lie. The biggest lie in the world.

fourth most bookmarks:

we’ve been here forever (here’s the frozen proof) (Red White&Royal Blue)

Objectively, I am aware that you – a stranger – cannot tell me my own sexuality any better than I can, however... Can you, please? Tell me? It’s 4am and I have been thinking about this for hours, and I can’t sleep.

Warmest regards,

ACD

***

It’s four in the morning, and Alex Claremont-Diaz has managed to follow a research spiral straight down into a personal crisis. It isn’t the first time.

fifth fourth most words:

build my kingdom in the dark (Roswell New Mexico)

i’m still very fond of this one as well <3

Michael meets Alex Manes on a Tuesday.

After everything, after all their chaos and sex and pain and love, that detail sticks with him, for some reason. It’s a Tuesday night, their college-town bar is still packed, and Michael looks up from the beer he’d ordered with his shitty fake ID to find big brown eyes watching him from behind long lashes. A sharp impulse digs into his ribs, and Michael has always been a big fan of following impulses.

fic with least words:

and the sun shall rise again (Red White&Royal Blue)

god i wrote this one so long ago idk how i feel about it haha but it is very sweet

Very frequently Henry wakes up feeling as if he were in a dream.

i am so exhausted rn so idk who to even tag… @eusuntgratie @shitouttabuck @sibylsleaves if y’all want? 💖💖

[dr-lizortecho]

I was tagged by @mimi-and-the-next-20th-century to share 8 tv shows as a get to know me <3

Roswell New Mexico: I am regrettably still deranged about the show- even post [redacted], the only show that has me watching ads for cars and psychoanalyzing the choice to have their lead drive a Subaru (I am normal about her btw)

The Vampire Diaries: no other show will have you quite as desensitized to neck snapping- truly the least of all violence, like spiting water at your brother is more violent and cruel- for real

Justice League Unlimited: the show tbh

Fate the Winx Saga: I mean- Netflix originals are as close as you can get to the old CW

Riverdale: new to the show- I already miss season one, but the core four are pretty sweet

Bridgerton: i like to have fun with my media and look at fun dresses- so of course I love it (this includes Queen Charlotte cause I’m obsessed)

Moonlight: PI who’s a vampire??? Twilight and TVD before Twilight or TVD- gold lost to time (because it aired before the vampire fever)

The Haunting of Hill House: ghosts as metaphors for trauma and bad family situations? Literally my jam

no pressure tags @crepuscularqueens @ajna-eye-cogitations @13shadesofanni @faiataka @nyctophilic0vitnir @fangurlingbunny @tudorgirl and anyone who wants to consider yourself tagged!