#I’m literally so fucking annoying that people eventually stop being mutuals with me and ghost me for months;

[tenderlyrenjun]

i get ur doubting you work due to randos but could u not vague other writers and their fics 🥲

honestly, YOU 🫵 deal with the people who call me plagarizers then. I post the baseball au and start working on it; I post Haechan’s preview; I get called a plagarizer. I prep kinktober and write previews and write the fics and wait for release dates; I still get called a plagarizer even though I told everyone that I’ve had this idea in the works, written, and planned since august. I write privacy; no previews; just spontaneous posting, and I still get called a plagarizer. I have a preexisting fic and someone else writes the same plot with the same title, just for a different member, and I get called a plagarizer. I post a hypothetical scenario; I write a bullet point fic; I turn it into a real fic and write a preview for it; and I still get called a plagarizer. Like, so you’re saying that people can vague other writers at me, but - and this is because I don’t have mutuals with whom I can talk about this - I can’t express my frustrations on my blog? like, just, okay, fine. I’m trying to come up with a fic that people will like, that I still like, because, I get it, my personality sucks; I’m too depressing; I don’t write well enough and I’m not original, but I’m literally trying and it just gets worse and worse and worse. “Your writing needs work; don’t post previews” > “that was so boring; literally the worst thing I’ve ever read” > “stop posting when you’re just plagiarizing other writers”. Literally, then tell me what to do? I can’t even exist; it’s like I should just walk into oncoming traffic and get it over with.

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 47

By the end of your time together, it was mutually decided it was the location and not so much each other that you and Steve had grown tired of. After the little bump in the road, things had gone much smoother. Although… you had noticed his more concerted efforts to hide his slight and very soft depression after he realized the extent of what you could do. And put it all together why SHIELD would be asking you to watch him. You’d said it, but not in so many words.

It hurt you, that he wanted to hide. But you also didn’t know each other well, and you weren’t entitled to know his feelings unless he wanted to share them. And those he certainly did not. It made sense that he’d be saddened by the state of things- his own life. And more than once you’d wanted to ask him what he’d meant back in Times Square when you’d spoken to him first. That I had a date thing. It was self explanatory, but you wanted to hear it in his own words. His own feelings.

In the end you called ahead to Fury as the two of you were bidding the Retreat goodbye and getting into the car. Letting him know you were on your way back into the city. And then…

“Can I put in a small request to grab lunch before I drop him off?” This was probably a no-no. But it wasn’t like Steve was top priority. They didn’t need him right that very second. And it would be nice to cap things off with a more open atmosphere.

“If you keep things quiet. Can you manage that?”

“Absolutely.”

That Fury was letting you was simply amazing. You’d expected far more pushback. But being able to tell Steve what little you’d learned about the bustling city- and then listening to him talk about what he remembered of Brooklyn- it was nice. You promised to take him through, if he wanted to. He’d said not at the moment and you let it go, respecting the distance he wanted from a life he once knew but no longer had.

Instead you showed him the better parts of Manhattan, places where his ghost memories didn’t hurt so much, shadowed now by much taller buildings and far more hustle and bustle. The restaurant you took him to was one that wasn’t on your list for most secure, but one of the better ones food and drink wise. And really, if you were going to take Captain America out, security was not the top priority.

...even though that really, in the end, was your biggest mistake.

It should have been easy to see it coming a mile away. You were in the middle of some silly story that had captured his attention, and that was all that mattered. A disgruntled patron had been pacing around for a little while now. Annoying the other customers and even the waitstaff who had tried valiantly to direct him away from your table. Because that’s where he clearly wanted to be, and they knew better than to let him get close to you. Even though you hadn’t asked, your reputation was more than well known. Stark Tower was not too far away, too. It was impossible people didn’t know who you were.

All the more reason Fury probably should have forbade this. But maybe he liked setting you up for failure when you asked so nicely for it.

Eventually your curtain of people had dissolved under busy foot traffic, and the man made his way closer and closer. Until, finally, there was no ignore him. He called your name. More than once, and Steve had looked up, but you put a gentle touch on the side of his arm and shook your head.

Do not give him attention. There was no use thinking it, maybe Tony would have gotten it, Steve instead seemed lost. Lost and focused at the same time.

It embolded the man’s approach until he was right there at your table and no longer able to be ignored. “Hey- hey. Surprise seeing your type in a place like this. Don’t you have better things to do? More lives to ruin?” His babbling was encouraged by the heavy scent of liquor on his breath.

You felt Steve starting to wind up. This had to be put to bed, now. Before trouble started. “Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah. Why don’t you- why don’t you sign uh- sign something for me. You know- I have buddies who lost jobs over your bullshit clean planet whatever initiative. Real good people. But Stark Industries doesn’t care about that, right? Sign this plastic bag for me. You’ll ditch these too soon, right? Sign it for me. So I can remember the day I crossed paths with mother nature.” Spitting at you quite literally.

Steve was seconds from getting up. You put your hand down next to his again to get his attention while keeping your eyes on the man who was threatening your afternoon. This had to be stopped. “You can either leave on your feet or on your ass. Your choice.” Really, this was the wrong thing to say and you knew it. But you also couldn’t let people pretend they had any right to walk all over you.

The drunkard angled back. Upset. His hand came on your shoulder. What was it with people and touching you? Why did they always think they had a right? “Yeah? You don’t have to be such a cunt about it. I only asked-”

There was no time for him to finish that sentence. And no time for you to think at all.

Steve moved in a blinding flash. One second in his chair, the next standing his threatening six-and-then-some feet tall, man’s jacket in his fists as he dragged him off his feet. “You’re going to apologize to her for being so disrespectful. Now.”

You were up next- because the worst thing in the world was happening. All around you people were murmuring. You wished it was just gossip. But no. You couldn’t be that lucky. Not in such a modern world. It wasn’t just whispers. It was phone cameras, all angled your way. Sending a bolt of panic through you.

There would be no way to control this. Your hand was on his arm. “Steve.” Urging under your breath to try and not make a scene further. But this was already far gone. Your eyes passed from one lens to the next to the next to the next. Some people’s flashes were going off. The voices were getting louder.

“Apologize to her.” But Steve wouldn’t let up.

And he was a force to be reckoned with. Where you used underhanded words and manipulation, Steve’s brute force and fire was enough to curb the man to heel. “Look- I’m sorry- I just-”

“Go. Now.” Steve let him go with an unceremonious drop and the man stumbled to catch his footing and then, smartest thing he’d done all day, raced way. It was only then that Steve finally realized you were begging him to stop with the look you were giving him- and panicking.

It became worse yet when Tony’s voice popped in through LUNA’s earpiece. “What’s going on? You in trouble?” The fact that he had a protocol for your raised vitals now would be a discussion for another time.

People were caging the two of you in a circle. “I’m- fine. I’m just... dealing with a PR nightmare.”

Busted.

                                --------------------------------------

 “As I recall, I asked you to keep it on the down low- yet by this time tomorrow the two of you are gonna be plastered all over every paper from here to California. Now why is that?!”

It wasn’t enough that this was going to be bad and hard to explain for Stark Industries, for yourself. But Fury had to pile on, too. As if this was going to hurt him somehow. Hurt SHIELD. But how could it? There was absolutely no way anyone would start conjecturing that you were out with the late great Captain America. Not even the craziest tabloid rags would pick that story up. No one would even think to run that story because you doubted anyone even remembered what he looked like enough to start thinking it.

Yet Fury had been yelling for the better part of twenty minutes now and you’d just been sitting in your chair in the debrief office taking hit after hit. “It just got out of hand- will you stop yelling at me?”

“It was me. I acted out of line.” Steve finally spoke, after having soaked in all there was to listen to. Really, Fury had been on a feedback loop for ten minutes now. “But- just the way he spoke to her. I couldn’t let that go.”

Fury put his hands on his hips. “You couldn’t and you didn’t, and now look where we are. Talk of the town. And what’re you gonna do about it?”

“I don’t know! Let me fucking think for one second, would you?” Out of your chair you started pacing.

“Your thinking is what got us into this mess.”

“Me. What got me into this mess. This is my problem! How on earth does this effect you?” It really wasn’t good to be arguing with him right now. It wouldn’t lead anywhere productive. You’d learned that a long time ago. And when he tried to start in again, you just waved your hands frantically. “Ah bah bah. Shh. I need to think. Alright. Okay. So… I just got caught with what paparazzi pieces are going to say is some new beau. Yeah.” That much was obvious.

It was too juicy a headline to pass up. You were with some dreamy-eyed muscle man. Eating lunch, laughing, talking quietly- and when some asshole got out of line, he’d tried to defend your honor.

Oh- wait- “Someone broke security. Came up- and you put a stop to it!” Pointing at Steve as your lightbulb went off.

“I did?” He seemed confused.

You plodded your way over closer, stopping in front of his chair. “You did! Because that’s your job. Don’t you get it? Steve Rogers.” Reaching your hand out, you waited for him to confusedly take hold of it, and then you gave it a hearty shake. “Congratulations. You’re now Stark Tower’s head of security. We were out to lunch. I was detailing you. Getting to know you- and you demonstrated your worth for the company. It’s perfect.”

“Psh.” Fury didn’t seem to think so, crossing his arms tightly and giving you quite a dead look. “That all you got?”

“It is. Thank you. The Tower will be finished soon… ish. And Steve, you’re staying in New York anyway, right?” Turning your attention back to him.

He seemed to wilt in the spotlight. “I don’t know. I guess?”

“We’ll get you an apartment. And when the Tower is finished you won’t have to do anything. People will have moved on by then, I promise you that.” The news was always looking for bigger and better things to complain or gossip about. This was no different. This would be a sensational story today- until you cut it off at the pass. “I was due to give an interview about the progression anyway. I can introduce you there and just nip it all in the bud.”

Perfect. Wonderful. You were a genius. Obviously. “This is so very not quiet.” Fury was still intent on complaining.

“We’re beyond quiet. No point in going on about it now. We can’t go back, we can only go forward. And this is the only option. Unless you’ve got something better?” Hand on your hip, popping your brow at him. Knowing that he had nothing.

His eye rolled and then he turned away. “Fine. Clean up your own damn mess. For once.” Halfway out the door before giving his last barking command of the day, “Once you’re finished with that I expect a full debrief report.”

It took all the adult sensibilities and dignity you had in you to not make a mocking face at him. Especially with Steve still in the room. Steve who… looked pretty downtrodden. And confused. Which made you feel awful. What if he didn’t want to do this? It would be well within his rights… even if, if he decided not to, that was going to make this difficult for you.

But even so… “Steve… sorry. I know that all happened very fast. Look… if you want to come up with something else, I can figure something else out.” It was unlikely. This was as good a cover story you were going to get. But you didn’t want to pressure him into it.

This was a lot to take in after being dead for almost seventy years. Week at the Retreat or not.

He shook his head. “No. It’s alright. Just tell me what I have to do. I want to make this right.”

“You’re sure?” Needing to confirm it. Trying to give him one last out. “You’re going to have to be in front of reporters. I’ll do all the talking, but it’s going to be a lot to deal with for a little bit.”

“I’m sure.” Strong in his confirmation.

So you nodded. “Alright. I’ll get to work on setting up a press conference and a prepared statement.” Put it on top of your pile. The never ending list of things you had to do. Along with securing Steve a nice apartment, too. Why was it you were buying everyone property recently? He’d gotten up, seeming keen to leave- to where you had no idea, but before you let him go you called out to him, stopping him in the doorway. “I just wanted to say I appreciate you sticking up for me. No matter where it put us.”

That winning smile of his finally made a reappearance and you felt much better for it. “Any time.”

                                  --------------------------------------

It was of great relief and a little surprise that Steve turned out to be a media darling. Maybe it was his days working for the USO, or maybe it was just the way he looked. You were no stranger to what the media turned into when they decided to fawn over somebody. Really, it only made you miss Tony all the more. Tony, who it felt like you hadn’t seen in a while now. And Tony, who hadn’t really complained about any of it. Just letting you do what you had to do.

Even when you told him you’d screwed up, gotten accosted at a restaurant, and now had to hire Captain America as Stark Tower’s head of security. He’d shown some slight reservations, “There’s no other option?”

“It’s the best I can do.” Really. It was. You couldn’t think of anything that would keep this at bay. As an additional plus, it would give Steve something to do, if he wanted it, and it allowed you to put his apartment on Stark Industries’ bill. Since he was technically an employee.

“I trust you.” Came Tony’s easy response after the fact.

So you went through with it. You got Steve squared away and had him stand behind you as a sturdy presence while you gave news reporters an update on the tower- completed soon, you promised, and talked about your newest hire. The strapping man behind you, of course, who would be overseeing things for you. And escorting you as personal security detail when you were in the city. Giving only his first initial as a name- for security measures, of course.

It put you and Steve together just a little more. Traveling, in and out of cars, in and out of the bottom floors of the building, to a few meetings, so on and so forth… which made your story all the more true. Of course this man would be with you at a restaurant in Midtown, and of course he would take a drunken slob who was bothering you by the shirt and threaten him. Because he was your security. Of course. It all made sense. No need to look into it further.

Although you wanted nothing more than to take off now that the holidays were fast approaching (your second anniversary too, imagine that), it didn’t seem fair to Steve who had nobody. Nowhere to spend them. In your makeshift office in the midsection of Stark Tower, he seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“You’ve seen the file they gave me the first time we met?”

You hadn’t expected him to ask something like that, and it demanded your full attention. It wasn’t too hard to spot the anxiety and discomfort coming off of him. “I did.” Eventually, you’d been allowed to give it a little look over.

“And all the contacts in there?”

Closing your laptop, you gave him your full attention. “I did.” A long list of people that he had attachments to- who were all mostly not alive anymore. Except for one.

He glanced at you briefly before his eyes dropped and he laced his fingers together in his lap. “It said Stark is looking after Peggy Carter.”

Your mouth twitched. Maybe feeling a little bit guilty. “Stark Industries pays for the assisted living facility she’s in. It’s the best care she could possibly be getting.” But you knew this wasn’t the entirety of what he was asking. “I’ve�� visited her. She seemed like she had fond memories of you.” From what little you’d gleaned of that encounter. And then pieced together upon meeting him.

There was a delicate smile on his lips that vanished all too soon. “Yeah. But. It wouldn’t be fair to show up like this, would it.”

Like this. Like not a day had gone by for him since their last encounter (which you knew very little of, he hadn’t seemed interested in talking about it, and you didn’t want to pry), yet she was relegated to a bed. Old and frail. “I don’t know her that well but I think she’d be happy to see you no matter what.”

He took in a heavy breath and then let it out slowly. “Her file said she has Alzheimer’s. I don’t know if it’s a good idea.” You couldn’t be certain but it really felt like he was trying to make you talk him either into it or out of it.

“It’s a delicate situation, but her mind is still mostly there.” The afterthought of but it won’t be forever sat between the two of you. Weighty and ugly. “If you’ve been thinking about it this much, Steve, I think you should go. I’ll go with you, if you want.”

“No.” Quick to respond. “No. It’s- that’s okay. Thank you.” All quick and choppy. “You should go spend the holidays with your own family.”

With a shake of your head, “I don’t really do anything- it’s just me and Tony. But. You’re welcome to come by, if you want. We could do dinner.” What harm would it be ordering a turkey dinner and sitting down? They’d have to get to know each other sooner or later. It was clear Steve was being re-groomed to be on the Avengers. If you were all really expected to be a close-knit team, a lot more team building had yet to be done.

“Thank you, for the offer. I think it’s better if I just go my own way, for now.” He seemed so melancholy. It hurt your heart. You had no idea how to help him. He was turning down every offer.

Waiting until he looked at you, you made sure to hold his gaze. “You’re sure? It’s no trouble.”

Then he put on a valiant smile. For whose sake, you weren’t sure. “Yeah. Thanks, again. Do you mind if I go for the day?”

“You don’t have to ask me that, you’re not a prisoner here. You can come and go whenever you want.” The two of you found it in yourselves to grin at one another. Not completely empty. And when he didn’t answer and still waited for your say-so, “Yes, Steve. You can go.” As he got up, you felt bad for even thinking of asking- really you should make yourself available for him. Stay here. But you were only human. “Um- hey, are you alright if I go back to California for a few weeks?”

Now you were asking permission of him to leave. Maybe for the same reasons, ultimately.

“Please. Go be with your family. It’s fine.”

You found yourself surprised that he was telling the truth.

                                  --------------------------------------

Despite your responsibilities, once you’d been given the go-ahead from Steve, you basically dropped everything. Laptop shut off, email notifications off- although you did put one last one in with Pepper letting her know you were headed home for the holiday. Meaning: do not disturb. She’d be doing the same soon, too. Hopefully Stark Industries could get by without the two of you for a little while.

As soon as you could, you had the jet fired up, and in those moments that it took you severely contemplating giving the Heart Reactor a little tap-tap and taking LADY home, instead… but on your safe, secure, and cozy jet ride home, you were able to put in some calls ahead. And, maybe, close your eyes for a few minutes, and… doze…

When you landed you went straight to the florist’s shop on main to pick up a very important order. And then you went right home.

Home.

How nice it was.

And even nicer to see Tony sitting on the couch, looking over as you crossed beyond the foyer, soft smile alight on his face. A few seconds of the expression only before he realized what you were carrying.

A big, heavy, maroon and silver vase in which sat more than a dozen sunflowers, some purple and peachy-orange flowers mixed in between for accent. “Someone give that to you?” He was on his feet, but didn’t have enough time to go to you when you were already headed so quickly to him.

Setting it on the coffee table you smiled brightly up at him. “No. I’m giving it to you.”

He gave the arrangement a glance, back to you, then the flowers, and then you again, squinting slightly with a tilt of his head. “Who told you I like sunflowers?”

Not wasting a minute more on this charade, you leaned in to wrap your arms around him, delighting in a squeeze that he quickly returned. “I know everything you like.”

“Clearly.” His amusement warm and wonderful as he rested his head atop yours. “You’re here, aren’t you?” You hid your smile in his shoulder, nuzzling there. “They let you free from babysitting the Capsicle?”

“Steve is fine on his own.” Looking up at him now.

“Really.” His brows lifted lightly, a disbelieving and uniquely snarky-Stark look about him. “Because as far as I’ve been hearing, he’s been following you around like a lost puppy-dog.”

Unable to help it, you heaved just the biggest sigh you could manage. “I just got home. Are we really doing this right now?” There was a lot of emotional baggage to wade through here, and none of it your fault. He didn’t mean what he was saying- not like that. It stemmed from much larger and deeper parts of his life he refused to address. And right now after weeks of not seeing him and a rough, busy year behind you…

“No. You’re right.” Reaching up, he cupped your cheeks in your palms, putting an immediate halt to his antics. “I’m happy you’re home.”

Your reply of me, too got lost somewhere when his lips pressed to yours and you submitted very quickly and very eagerly to a kiss that was long overdue. Less lost was the next thing on your mind as the two of you parted, “Take me to bed.”

He was quick to acquiesce, bending in to put an arm underneath your legs, the other around your shoulders, scooping you up in one easy move. “Sure. But I’ve got a turkey in the oven. Don’t want it to burn.”

Giggles spilled out of you, buried in between one kiss and the next. “No you don’t.” Disbelieving him.

“No, I don’t.” Echoing back with a grin you felt ripple through you. Genuinely pleased to have you in his arms again. “But I could- I mean, if you want some sort of Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving-iversary dinner?”

It was warming, you realized. Tony may have been trying to find some solace in the patterns of familial holidays. Maybe he wanted to build that sort of life with you. It was strange. And definitely something you were not in the right mind to give proper thought to… “Let’s talk about it after.”

“After what, hmn?” He began the trek through the house, up the stairs.

You started peppering light kisses and nips to his jawline. “You’re a smart boy. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Humor me. I like having directions.”

“No you don’t.” Your laughter hadn’t stopped.

“I do when they come from you.”

It took him no time at all to rush his way up to the master bedroom, but once there, he slowed his pace. Setting a knee on the bed, lowering you down. It was an immediate relief to be in the bed that you knew- with the man that you’d been missing. Your hands stayed steady in his shirt, not letting him go far, even as you settled up just a little more in the center.

At your direction, he came over you on his hands and knees, losing yourselves to kiss after kiss after kiss… Only when you eased all the way down, you let him work, slipping you out of your shoes and jacket. Your hands were equally in the moment, leading the zipper down of his Stark Industries hoodie, and peeling it from his shoulders.

By the time you were out of your shirt, and he rid of his, that now welcoming blue glow spilling over you- something registered. Your hands smoothed over the strong lines of his arms, beckoning him closer. His nose brushed against yours and he came further in for what was soon to be another deep kiss-

“Wait-” Until you finally registered what you were looking at.

“What’s the matter?” Stopping the second that word came out of your mouth, moving back in that easy hover over you.

Reaching up, you threaded your fingers through his hair, pushing it back, and then trailed the tips down along the left side of his temple. Where dark brown met definite grey. “When did this happen??”

Tony had gone grey in your absence? It wasn’t a lot. Just a little speckle. But it dotted both temples- you made sure, as you tilted his head the other way. “You know-?” His grin reappeared. “It’s been a very stressful couple of years. More now than ever. What. You don’t like it?” There was a little hint of self-consciousness here that he wasn’t showing up front.

Wondering what you truly thought.

And, well, that was easy. Lowering your fingers further, you slid them down along the lines of his jaw and pulled him closer again. “I think it’s sexy. Very salt-and-pepper.” Being entirely honest with him. It put a new defining feature to him. Distinguishing. And very handsome. And- yes- very sexy. “Let’s hope you think the same when I come home with a full head of white hair.” Inevitable. At some point, it would probably happen.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” His voice lowered to a hush, lips touching yours again. Easily bringing your mind to a halt while he kissed you senseless. So much so that when he backed away, you pulled him to keep him from going far. But as your eyes blinked open to look at him, his smile cracked you all the way through. “You’ll always be beautiful no matter what.”

There was really only one way to respond to that. “I love you.”

He seemed to think the same. “I love you, too.” Quieting any more verbal discussion with another lock of lips. You’d missed him, and he’d missed you. You were right where you were supposed to be, and determined to bask in the feel of him for as long as life would let you.