#I’m literally happy stimming so hard rn

[tastybluesprite]

THIS IS SO CUTTTEE AHHH I LOVE THE SILLIES SM THIS DUO MEANS THE WORLD TO ME ❤️🫶

A ticklish sleepover.

This is my first fiction story, I hope it's alright! The fic contains ler!April and lee!Donnie ( Rottmnt ). I write this as a platonic thing.

Warnings: None! It has a little swearing. But it's all fluff (: .

Donatello crept through the alleyway late at night, avoiding any chance of bumping into a human who wasn't April. He made sure to remain out of sight. Him and April had been planning this sleepover for a good while. Their friendship surely was awesome.

- 💚: Dee, hurry up!

- 💜: Calm down, kiddo. I'm almost at your apartment. [ Read 19:30 ].

Not even five minutes later, O'Neil heard a tap outside of her window. Jesus, that was fast. Talk about ninja skills. April proceeded to open her curtain to see the soft-shell turtle, wearing his purple hoodie, hanging upside down. Donnie never failed to make her giggle. April opened the window, allowing Donnie to hop on inside. But before that, Donnie had fallen. He fell straight onto his ass, making April hysterical.

"That was surprising quick!" April exclaimed.

"Oh please, just because I'm a turtle doesn't mean I'm slow." Donatello scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"I can tell. Good thing I have a list of everything we can do tonight! From watching movies, playing games, to prank-calling people!" April mentioned with such excitement. She signalled Donnie to follow her into her room. Donnie followed, of course. April's room gave off a nice cosy and comforting vibe. Her room was quite nice. Everything was organised.

"Nice room." The taller complimented. "And no, that wasn't sarcasm."

"Awh, thanks, Dee! Anyway, hope you like scary movies." April smirked.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You should know me by now - horror movies are the best!" Donnie gave a small smile. "I simply do hope you aren't calling me a scaredy cat.. well, turtle."

April had a huge Leo grin on her face, from one ear to the other. A LEO GRIN. She was challenging Donnie now. She walked up closer to him, having to look up due to his height. "Oh, but what if I am calling you one?" 'Feisty', Donnie thought to himself.

Donnie almost laughed. Almost. He looked down at her, giving off a scientist's smirk back. "Hah! It's on."

As April went to decide what movie to put on, Donatello was in the kitchen, grabbing snacks and drinks. He grabbed popcorn, sour sweets, and some cans of Cola. He placed them at one end of April's bed. April found a film to put on, "Pray for the devil".

Both of them sat down on April's bed as the movie began to play. It somewhat reminded them of "The Conjuring," only a little, though. As time went on, none of them got scared. Well.. that was until a jumpscare. The jumpscare was about the demonic figure appearing out of absolute nowhere. It's not the most attractive looking thing, that's for sure. Surprisingly, it made Donnie out of all people jump.

"FU– oh for the love of Newton's first law!" He whined in slight embarrassment. Oh, this was absolutely priceless. April saw and heard everything. Donnie? Donnie with facial expressions? There ain't no way! This night was just getting better and better. Yes, the soft-shell turtle was a little dramatic, but wow.

"Awh, Dee~! What's wrong?"

"Shut up."

"Gosh, if you're scared of that monster, then you should definitely be scared of this one.."

Donnie GLARED at April. Oh dear, he was screwed. He knew that for himself, and April, who was about to tickle the life out of the soft-shell turtle, definitely knew it herself.

'Nope!' Donnie thought to himself as he jumped off the bed, sprinting off. April laughed, immediately chasing him. "DONALD, YOU GET BACK HERE!" She yelled.

"I will. Just when ribosomes become non-important cell organelles."

April rolled her eyes. That turtle did love his science.

"That's not gonna happen, D. But what is gonna happen is–.." April pounced onto Donnie, straddling his hips. Oh, he was done for. April gave Donnie the chance for him to push her away, meaning he didn't want to be tickled. If he doesn't push anyone away, it meant that Donnie was alright with it. And today was April's lucky day. Yeah, sure, he did squirm, but he didn't push April away.

"The tickle monster is gonna feed off your laughter!" And without wasting a single second, she dug her fingers into his sides, getting a squeal out of Donnie. Donnie smacked his hands over his mouth, doing his best to prevent his laughter coming out. He giddily kicked his legs as he thrashed around. Donatello always had a bad habit of trying to prevent his laughter, just to keep up with his 'bad boy image'.

"Leo was right. You're not ticklish.. you've broken the ticklish scale!" God dammit. Leo, the little shit. Of course, his snarky twin had something to share.

"Shuhut up."

'How dare he? Who is my friend to tell me to be quiet?' O'Neil thought to herself, immediately digging her wiggling fingers under Donatello's arms. With great speed and force, the turtle's arms shot down quicker than you can yell, "cowabunga!" Despite his efforts to protect himself, his smile was now on display to April. His smile, his laugh.. rare, but amazing! It was nice seeing the soft-shell smiling for once. Not only April, but his brothers and Splinter loved to see him smile.

"Peekaboo! Someone's awfully sensitive under his arms."

"YOHOU HAHAHAVE NO ROHOOM TO SPEAK!" Donnie squealed. He looked so happy, April awed at the sight of him. He definitely needed this.

"Perhaps, but look at you! I think someone might be enjoying this."

"AM NOT! HOHOW DARE THEHEHEE MAKE SUCH A-ASSUMPTIONS?" In full honesty, he didn't mind being tickled. But with him being a soft-shelled turtle and sensitive skin, he wasn't always okay with physical contact.

"Oh, I dare quite easily! But tell that to thay small blush on your face!" April smirked.

"OHOHO, FUCK OHOHOFF!"

"Excuse me?" April promised she'd never do this often, for which it was rare, but she dragged a single finger down the sides of his soft-shell, getting a snort in response.

"OH NOHOHOHOHOHO!! I'M SORRY, DOHOHON'T!" Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, that was D's worst spot.

"I promise I'll stop when you want me to, okay?" April smiled softly. She'd never overstep his boundaries. Donnie nodded as April began to gently trace all over the sides of his shell, making twist, buck, kick, squirm.. you get the idea. It was that bad, tears threatened to fall due to him laughing his ass off.

"THAHAHAHAT'S SOHO BAHAHAD! I CAHAHAHAN'T, PLEAHEHESE STOP!"

That was Donnie's breaking point, and April knew it. She immediately stopped, getting off the turtle, and sat down beside him. She did question if she took it too far. It was VERY rare for April to tickle his death spot on his shell. She had always been cautious.

"Are you okay, D? Was that too much?"

Out of breath, the turtle replied, "I-I'm good. You didn't take it too far at all. Thank you for respecting my boundaries." April gently patted Donatello's head in response. They remained on the floor until Donatello had fully recovered from the playful tickle attack. His body felt at ease, and he felt relaxed.

"You wanna order some pizza?" April smiled.

"You bet! Just please.. not hawaiian."

April laughed out loud. Her friend really did hate that stuff. For the rest of the night, they ate pizza, watched movies that aren't in the horror genre, prank-called every big business they knew! It was such the night to remember! Donnie was smiling from ear to ear. This truly was a night to remember. As some may can call it, a ticklish sleepover.

AAAHHHH, HI! THIS WAS MY FIRST EVER FANFIC I HAVE WRITTEN AND *POSTED*. APOLOGIES AS FOR IT WON'T BE THE GREATEST EVER, BUT I HOPE IT WAS OKAY! (　＾ω＾).

Tags: @mythica0 @someone1348 @sunsetsandsunshine @anxious-lee

[pretty-pup-stevie]

HI HI HI HI HI I WANNA SEE YOUR PUPPY MASK AND TAIL!!!!!!!

when i move out, i wanna get ears and a tail and little paws

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Okay okay okay!

Here they are!!!

I based the color scheme off of a beagle, but I wanted it curly so. It’s made entirely of a steel wire and acrylic yarn, brushed out to be super fluffy

The mask is made of cardboard, fabric, and acrylic paint

I love them so much omg!!! The tail is so big and so cute and it just makes me so happy ☺️

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

[bonesandthebees]

hello bee!! Had a tiiiiiny, baby-size depressive episode + panic attack over the weekend. But GREAT news, I created an infinity cube out of Lego while in the trenches. Autism win.

I did have to upgrade my little stim-toy carrying case, since. If you remember me, I’m the anon who mentioned ordering a pinned moth and set of magnet stims when the whole Wilbur situation started overflowing. So my Altoids tin of fidgets got too small after I suddenly had two new ones within a few days, lol. Found a good zipper-container for them. Little spinny-ring, Lego infinity cube, and a set of stick magnets, nice and portable now.

My moth is still on the way :) I’m excited for him to come home.

I started writing on a few of my wips again. It’s been slow going, especially with university. But it’s nice going back to the stories I’ve been working on. I still have to build my stamina up again, I am finding it difficult to sit and write for hours at a time, utilizing his character for as long as I used to. But I’m getting better :)

Just have to give it time, work on it slowly. And it still IS fun. The character is different than he is, and while it’s a bit rattling, it’s just part of the process.

It’s not really an ask. Just an update. But I do feel better than I did a a few weeks ago :) I have some tea. My fidgets. A moth on the way. A haircut appointment in a few days. Found a couple new video-essay channels to watch.

Remember to take care of yourself, too, Bee <3 thank you for looking after all of us and our thoughts. So excited to see more of your writing. I think I’ve gone back and reread this year’s Halloween-special fic six times or so. It’s been a big inspiration for a horror-y SBI writing project of my own :) the suspenseful writing is just so fun.

I'm gonna be so honest I read the phrase "I created an infinity cube out of Lego autism win" and laughed so hard. I love that for you so much /gen

hooray for having so many stim toys you need a bigger container for them!! sounds like you have a great collection going. very excited for you to get your moth!!

yes, just give it time. it's great that you've already started trying to work on your wips again, but don't feel like you have to rush it. while I mostly feel settled about things, I'm still waiting to go back to trying to write any of my wips. take it slow and just be mindful of how you're feeling and all that.

sounds like you have a lot of nice little things going for you right now and I'm so happy about that :)

I'm doing my best to take care of myself. got myself to write some qsmp stuff today so hoping to start posting this wip soon.

also picture me as one of those crying cat emojis rn because I'm so happy you reread that halloween fic. it's literally one of my favorite things I've written and I hold it so near and dear to my heart I'm so glad you enjoyed it <33

[calciferstims]

list of some my stims that I can think bc I feel like it:

Literally so many things with my handssss. flapping a lot if I get really happy but I also like to ‘shake em out’ a lot like I’m shaking water off or something. Also just shaking them like trembling?? I do those a lot

Also tapping my four fingers against my palm

One time I got really stimmy and started tapping my chest a lot

I don’t think I do it often?? But I also rocked in my chair that one time so maybe if I get rlly stimmy

A little small stim I do when I can’t go big is when I’m sitting on the couch with my knees up and I just like to shake my knees back and forth restlessly

Sometimes if I get really stimmy too I hum a lot like ‘mmmmmm’.

Specifically with that I have a really… Weird thing that I almost feel like I just made up??? But when I can feel something slipping my memory (which happens a lot bc my short term memory sucks ass) I close my eyes bc like. If I’m looking at things like my phone I guess it makes it harder to remember and I get distracted so I close my eyes and hum a lot and shake my hand and try to clear my head and get the memory back. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t but it’s rlly hard to focus man 😭 I hate my memory

Running my fingers along my lips

Idk if it counts as a stim bc I swear I just started doing it bc my nose was cold 😭😭 but I do uh. A really weird thing a lot where I pull the top of my nose down under my top lip. Uh. I can’t explain it. Again don’t really think that’s a stimmy thing but it sure is weird lmao and I do it idly a lot

If I’m really stressed out my self-soothing stim is running my hands through my hair. Sometimes that turns into pulling tho ://

When I get really frustrated I start punching myself like in the leg or something uh. Is that. Normal??? Haha anywayssss last time I did it I was like ‘ok hold up do those cursed violence stims actually help’ AND BRO I LOOKED AT SOME AND IT WORKED. KINDA. MOSTLU. SO YAY COPING MECHANISMS but also does anyone have other alternatives for that bc punching pillows is not hard enough for me 😭 (I think the ideal would be if I still had those hard ass pad things from karate that I could hit if only someone could hold them for me.. but those sting rlly nicely)

Cracking all my knuckles with one finger kinda but even if they don’t crack just like. The motion. It’s hard to explain.

Uhhhh wiggling all my fingers like tapping down but in the air. Either all at once or one at a time down the row in order.

I have a necklace that I wear all the time (ordinary gemstone necklace not a special fidget necklace) so I stim with that a lot. Flipping the pendant around, playing with the chain, holding it in my lips, whatever

If I am wearing a hoodie with strings you better BELIEVE those lil caps at the end of the strings are going in my mouth. I don’t actually bite or chew on them hard at all I just like having it in my teeth. Man I really need a chewable…

I know that dancing doesn’t necessarily equal stimming but it’s going on the list because I dance to funky tunes in my room all the time I have no shame 😌 it’s good for you!!!

Doing that lil pencil wiggly thing between my fingers if I have one

Did I mention literally anything and everything with my hands. Flexing and unflexing them. Like lil crunchies.

I’m sitting on the couch rn wiggling my feet so apparently that too

I don’t thinnnkkk I have a whole lot of vocal stims??? But I do like clicking my tongue a lot

Also honorable mention for when I literally could not stop quoting the ‘whY doN’t wE jUsT rEELAXX or tUrN oN tHE rAdIOo’ vine 😂 I think I already told the story of the time me and my friend kept doing it over and over and doubling over with laughter but damn that was fun to say

And like, any rare occasion when I’ll get a phrase stuck in my head. The other day it was ‘pRiTHEE sHouLd my hEigHt be of aNy bALDeRDAShING iMpORtANCE???!?!?’ from this video…

Today it is that one tiktok I cannot find but. hAND IT OVAH IN THE BAG THIS IS A FOOKIN ROBBERAY

Bro the way I went INSANE the first time I got my hands on a Squishmallow I was stimming so much omg so like obviously I can do that all the time now but my goodness. Squeezing it so hard and giggling and squishing it on it’s silly lil head and patting it!!!!!!

yeah that’s all I got for now

[fragileizywriting]

that scene in ponyo where the mom makes them milk tea and the honey is so goopy and gooey and it’s so fleshy in the spoon and ponyo is looking at it like :OOO

little chat noir experiencing tea with honey. watching his mother or father make it for him at the kitchen table. even though they’re kings and gods, they’ve always eaten rather plainly…

i’m in literal tears rn over the idea of chat holding a mug and trying really hard not to stick his muzzle in it bc it smells so great so his ears are twitching and he’s stimming by wiggling his toes, tail hitting against the leg of the chair (not floor though because the chair is very tall) i’m also in tears at tikki and plagg and chat being a very happy family away from bad things i’m gonna sit here and try very hard not to start full on crying at the idea

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class. 

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening. 

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling. 

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took. 

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally. 

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there. 

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with  feeling their pain. 

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it. 

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

[ghostofcitrus]

more gender crisis bc i need somewhere to document this shit and also if u wanna read and say smth that’s cool too 🥺 fair warning it’s kinda longgg. but there’s a tl;dr and i tried to make the paragraphs short so it’s easy to read and i sorted the thoughts by paragraphs

ok so when i see a girl or group of girls or smth i, for the most part, am like yeah same. i have the same lived experience and like yeah u look cool and i relate in a lot of ways.

but like i also feel the same w non-binary ppl. i see agender ppl and i’m like oh nice that sounds like how i want to live MY life!! i get jelous. i saw a gender ambiguous person the other day and i thouvht i was going to lose my mind i was like AKSJSHJSJSNS Y O U. I WANT TO BE YOU. i talked to them i was like 😭😭i love your hair😭😭 and it was so compelling just seeing them i got my hair cut later that week. i like it.

and i cut my hair and i’m like y e s. and i’ve always wanted a very small/flat chest and have planned on getting a breast reduction (meaning i want basically no tits. i’m like a DDD rn. and i’m short and have a baby face so that’s like. very noticeable. pain.) ASAP. but i like dress and being seen as a girl? but i also want to be non binary, but it feels like something im striving for. i don’t feel like i’m there. i feel like i WANT to be there but i just keep hitting roadblocks.

when i think about OTHER girls, i’m like yeah. i relate to that. but when i think about myself. fully isolated. i want to present like a feminine agender person. i am connected to my girlhood. girl, sister, girlfriend, daughter... all of them accurately describe me. but i also like person, sibling, partner, child.

i like femininity. i like being seen like that. and being seen as a girl is cool and fine. but i don’t feel like it accurately describes all of me. but i’m like scared??

i want to be a “girl” in the way that when u look at me ur like ... is that a girl? my face i like lmao. it’s round and feminine. cool lol. my body.... i wish with like all my heart i woke up one day w/o titties or major curves. but i’ve literally work so hard to accept and like myself in my body. YEARS of forcing myself to look in the mirror and compliment myself. deconstructing fatphobia was a big part of it. but in my head. with no mirrors around. i think of myself as less curvy. a small fame, but not really curvy. much more neutral features. i forget what i actually look like. but when i do look in the mirror now i’m like she’s pretty. i like how she looks. nice. but it doesn’t really feel like me. but i feel cool. it’s like nice makeup that’s someone else chose for u and never comes off. like yes. that’s nice. but... it’s not like “me”. i feel like that about most of my features. but i’ve grown up in them. i don’t hate them. i think they look pretty and i feel confident enough like this. and after all the work i’ve done to get to this mindset... it’s just not what i want.

i think part of what’s messing with me is i’m automatically more comfortable with other girls/afabs, like we just share experiences and i can generally understand how they socialize. guys like,.. not so much. but most of my actual friends have ended up being guys. but im naturally wary of guys. and most around me end up being fucking republicans anyways. and another part of what’s getting to me is when i’m going about my life, i enjoy being stereotypically feminine. like i like to be taken care of, feel small , that bs. maybe it’s internalized misogyny that i feel like the only way i can be that is as a girl.

i also think i just have no idea what it would really feel like to go about the world non-binary. like i just want to keep blending into the background. i don’t want to be that noticeably different, i’m already autistic.

i think it’s also weird bc since middle school have been having periodic gender crisises but they always end in me just getting embarrassed, finding transmeds on the internet and also getting embarresed, not wanting to stop being feminine, or deciding it’s just not worth it.

and i think another thing is, i’ve always felt more connected to girls, but always on the outskirts of that, but that might just be because i’m autistic. but like i’m feminine in the sense that i like dresses. and being taken care of that and that shit. girls tend to really fucking irk me a lot of the times. i don’t really feel “connected” to them, more like “stuck” with them but making the best of it. some are pretty cool :) tbh it’s mostly just other autistic or queer girls i vibe with. other than that.. i struggle a lot to feel connected.

speaking of being autistic.... i’m realizing a lot of what i’m feeling is similar to how i felt when i first started to consider that i was autistic. when i was alone or in a space i was totally comfy in, i felt very confident that i was autistic. but when i was around people, i was like no i’m definitely not. and even now. i know i mask whenever i’m not alone. but i’m literally so fucking used to it it’s not hard at all. it hardly feels like a mask. just a different version of me. not the most authentic, but it’s how i operate around others. so whatever. not what i like per say. but in most cases, i can deal with it and still be perfectly happy (ish). this is exactly how i feel about all of this gender shit.

but i think part of my hesitancy to identify like this is i’ve never met ppl irl who identify as non-binary. that wouldn’t be a group for me to find and relate to and be comfortable with, i’d just be the different one. and i’m already different. and people don’t really get neopronouns and that shit.

ok and i’m anxious about my boyfriend as well. he’s a straight guy, idk how he’d feel about me being non binary. but i don’t want to sacrifice our relationship, so it’d be fine, because i also like my name and pronouns now. i like the shortened version of my name better tbh but i think my name sounds cool. mostly because saying it is a vocal stim for me, same with my partners name fore some reason. i just think they’re good names. they feel good to hear and say. and i’ve always been described that way and i’m like yeah that’s me.

i like dresses. feminine clothes? yes pleaseee. i like how girl are generally the ones who get taken care of. i like feeling small and dainty. i like being silly and cute. but like ... silly and cute arent like “girl things”?? but idk.

but i like “girl”. not “ladies” or “woman”. that feels too much like “female” and the only time i feel like i relate to that at all is in very specific situations. i’m feminine. i like that. i wish i could be feminine in an androgynous way tho????????

TL;DR: closing thoughts. if i were the only person on earth and i could do whatever i wanted like magically. i would change my appearance to look like my picrew... but like for an ex think Crona from Soul Eater of Ed from Cowboy Bebop. both of them are androgynous but when i see both of them i’m like they’re kinda feminine too! like that’s what i want to look like. i’d probably go by Citrus and neopronouns and maybe she/her (they’re fine but i feel like i’m lying about being non binary when i use them). ya know. how i want to be. but in reality. i am scared of that. it sounds like a lot of work and a big change that i could probably never really achieve. i also hate change. and constantly explaining shit.

also do cis people PINE over this shit the way i am? i’ve done this multiple times for years. not consistently bc tbh i have other shit i need to spend energy on but when i’m not pouring energy into somewhere else i tend to circle back to this. maybe that’s a sign that i’m right.

[stimmedtavi]

vibrates

spoilers for season nine nd stuff below the cut ---------------------

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT?? HELLO???? currently losing my fucking mind i'm literally. HHhhHHhHHhhHHhhhhHh HELLO!?!?!?!?!!?! HELLO!?!?!?!?!?! i'm going fucking NUTS rn holy shit. abt to categorize all of this bcs OHHH MY GOOODDDDD im going nuts rn.

actual gameplay stuff (guns, maps etc) HHH HVHSHV HVHAHV WORLDS EDGE MY BELOVED.... also HELLO OLYMPUS W THE NEW SKY?? i'm so here for it on GOD i literally love the way it looks sm. the infected beat is hitting kinda weird idk how i feel abt that but im excited for the lore that comes with it. aLSO PK ON THE GROUND HELP HELP HELP OH MY GOD. i joined in season 4 and got so used to keeping the pk around w me and then BOOM they took my baby away from me i was so sad ab it bUT NOW SHES BACK WAHHH </3 i'm so happy. i feel like this season is going to be really really nostalgic for me bcs worlds edge nd pk are like.. tiny wraith portals to the past in my mind and it's so nuts. also the boeck bow or however u spell it looks really cool but i also Fear it Deeply bcs it looks very powerful. it can also have multiple hop ups which is fucking nutso?? like hello:?? thats a little scary imo but i'm excited to see it in use!!! also the triple take in care package is lowkey making me sad asf bcs i was semi hoping devotion goes back in since i Hate That Bitch but ehhh i agree semi that triple take belongs there. its kind of a bitchy gun to go up against anyways. this season and its 'meta' or whatever gamer ppl say is gna smack some ass on god.. character stuff (skins, emotes nd valk ofc) CATBOY OCTANE im so ready im so ready omg. i hope crypto gets something lowkey bcs i think he deserves it since i Love him and Care about him. i hope they start feeding lots of legends good stuff this season bcs we need to be dripped tf out for season 10. i will give respawn my soul if it is taken for payment. i also hope we get more dive emotes and perhaps there will be unlockable ground emotes? not sure ab that one since they are so new but im hype af for battlepass this season :D im really really excited for the ground emotes. like i cant even explain how excited i am. i saw the video of them and i genuinely just started yelling at my screen it was pathetic to watch.. anyways the way octane moves and stims and stuff?? since i always play him i never see his passive movements but i just feel so happy watching him stim and stuff bcs im the exact same way with my hands and full body stims. it makes me feel a lot more comfortable with the way i am and how i work. i feel like it's ok to stim nd stuff and thats how it should be!! i feel really happy rn pls vsjnv im trying so hard to sound normal. alos cryptos?? ground emotes?? im literally shaking and crying. the rare one is really cute dont get me wrong but the one where he uses his drone as a sword literally has me in tears. it's so nice looking and we don't get to see crypto's more playful side very often and then boom... he's using hack as a sword and i am in tears on my bedroom floor. his LEGENDARY THOUGH??? literally shook me to my core i was like oh my god oh m ym g od o??!?!?!?/ crypto is a huge romantic cc for me and i use crypto gamer bf funny haha as a joke quite often but like ?? he looks?? so cute?? like he finally looks like he's more comfortable in his skin. i find a lot of the time he seems to be full of discomfort and just very paranoid but in these emotes we see a softer side of him and it makes me really happy. i just can't stop thinking about these ground emotes man.. they mean so much to me. the other ones are v cool too ofc but i wont go into all of them since theres not enough time for me to discuss that lmivnjsdnv. okokok now VALK!! i'm excited to play in squads w her!! i think she and tav would be really good friends and i love her abilities (even tho i kinda think her passive is a bit op) but she seems really fun! i'm excited to try out using her !! general excitement i'm just all around hype for this season. i cant remember the last time i was this excited for a new season... it was probably season 5 tbh. olympus had me excited dont get me wrong but i really havent felt like theres been enough changes in other seasons to get me all riled up like this. so much is being added in (i didnt even cover arenas) and i'm super duper excited to wait 6 hours for the download file to

copy onto my ps4 <3 anaywyas im gna shut up now this is long

[ziracona]

hey zira, what are your hot takes on all of the fo4 companions?

Haha, I don’t know how hot they are, but I can give you a speed run! (Also I am very excited to get this. FO4 was the first open world game I ever played and just the concept of that and the hugeness of the world and branching story & sudden feeling changes towards me in companion characters totally blew my mind, & it still lives rent free in my heart).

Ada, Old Longfellow, and Strong I /still/ haven’t maxed despite having too many hundred hours to want to list on this game—the former bc they were DLC, Strong because honest to god I left him at a nice settlement and then completely forgot about him and remembering that I am the energy in this Ryan O’Flanagan video but abt leaving my super mutant in a tiny settlement alone. I will get there! To max affinity I mean. But anyway, I don’t truly know those three, so my takes are incomplete. So far though, I really like Ada. She is a good girl just trying her best. Fucks me up I can tell her to self destruct. Even though I feel sure she would ignore me, I cannot imagine ever saying that to her. It was really sweet she was willing to forgive the Mechanist and move on with her life. A good girl. Longfellow I am maxing rn (was last time I played anyhow). I enjoy him. Gruff grumpy old man but he seems quite decent and I like his idle banter and when he sings to himself a lot. Seems like he’s had it rough. Strong I liked. He’s wild, and I loved how insane meeting him was, and am worried about him eventually understanding poetry and how that might mess up his sense of world understanding. But he’s a chill dude in his own way and I am glad they gave us at least one nice super mutant.

For the companions I actually do know like the back of my hand, the speedrun:

Nick Valentine: Best man on earth. One of two fictional characters I ever called husband. I would die kill or live for him. I want to be 1/4th the man Nick Valentine is. One of the best characters ever period and I adore literally everything about him. It fucked me up early in game where right after he offered to basically risk destroying his mind to help a stranger look for her son, he asked me how I was doing. First character in the entire game to do that. His first companion dialogue is abt how you’re doing TuT. The man is very kind and forgiving and fair, but knows when the draw the line and take no shit. Emotionally mature, kind, caring, longsuffering. Incredibly damaged and broken by life, but holding on and living kindly and to help others anyway. One of the four most marryablen fictional men I’ve ever seen.

Preston Garvey: Brave, kind, sweet man. I would defend him with my life. He really just wants so bad to make the world better and life has been so hard, but he’s still trying. A beautiful and underrated companion and I would throw hands for him on sight. I adore how he whistles. A true and gentle and loyal friend. Take him to Quincy and let him get his justice it’s what he deserves. People who hate him because he tries to get help helping civilians in that game are weak. I love him so much... please give him enough time to reach max affinity he’s so worth it.

Deacon: *To the tune of You Are My Dad* You are my friiiiend! You’re my friend! (Boogie woogie woogie). Initially, he pissed me off bc he lies all the god damn time, but after we got close enough he actually trusted me, he stole my heart and I would also die for Deacon. He’s a really good person who thinks he’s shit because of who he was on his past. Also him 🤝 Preston: massive survivor’s guilt. They should be friends. Poor Deacon has been the last member of the Railroad like four times, and it’s awful. Help him. Give him love and support. He’s one of my all time faves. Also, Railroad hands down best faction and if you kill them for any reason other than like a walkthrough route video and I ever get the chance I would 100% clock you in the face as hard as I can, like going for losing teeth, and feel no guilt. I know it’s a game and that’s wrong, and I’d be wrong, but I’d still do it. Also, Ryan Alosio (his VA) saw me do cosplay for Deacon once and told me it was great and it filled me with even more love. Anyway Deacon is great. Also, his whole “There are other organisations out there. And, in time, I'm sure they're going to spoon-feed you their own patented form of bullshit. Ignore the verbage and look at what they're doing. What they're asking you to do. What sort of world they'd have you build and how they're going to pay for it.” Is one of the like, two most iconic quotes in all of FO4 & just super good in general.

Hancock: Hardcore badass man but also a good dude and a champion for the people. Man really puts his money where his mouth is and you gotta respect that; another favorite companion for sure. Big fan of the way he stabs a guy for you upon meeting, and is a cool leader who organized his crime and does a decent job actually leading. He works hard to help people and bites back hard. Social justice advocate, dangerous man about town, not afraid to cosplay a revolutionary war hero 24/7 & u gotta respect the no fucks given attitude. A chill dude. Like that he fights the institute, hates the Brotherhood, helps the Railroad, and is friends with Nick. He’s legit af. Also, his VA gives a different answer every time someone asks him about the voice he did for hancock and they’re funny af.

Piper Wright: A cool spunky lady. Lois Lane on the case, kicking butt, and taking name. She’s nice but also hardcore and smart, supportive, fun. A good person. You always get points if you like Nick (which most companions do), and they’re good friends. She’s funny and I love her. A good heart.

Codsworth: He’s great. He’s family. He’s like my...weird brother. Getting to max affinity is heartwarming and also makes my heart go :’-] . Great early-game companion bc he kicks ass and doesn’t need stims to heal. I love getting called by my name and think that was a great feature (well, my PC’s name). He’s a wonderful funky little robot dude and I am so glad he likes me.

Dogmeat: Amazing. A good boy. Doggo of the year. His actor deserved the game award she won. Cute, full of love, and plays with a teddy bear if you give him one. 100/10z

Cait: I like her a lot. She’s been through so much shit, and it makes sense she is how she is. I like they actually gave her an emaciated and messy (though still pretty) design, since she is a drug addict. And that they make her main quest about taking that seriously and wanting to get help, and that she’ll call out the player if they fuck around and do drugs in front of her after she gets rehabilitated. Her relationship to the PC if good is really sweet, and I am a fan. I like that while she’s not sympathetic to synths and thinks they aren’t people, she forgets that every time Nick walks into a room and is like “Oh hey Nicky : )”. She’s a good girl who has been through a lot and still needs time to heal and find herself, but she’s making great strides.

Robert Joseph MacCready: Human disaster (loving). Homeboy a goddamn /mess/ but I love him. He tries so hard to be cool. I love he makes you pay him to come with, then chickens out and gives it back lol. A fool ball of anxiety and bad decisions and what he thinks brovado is. I wish he, Preston, and Deacon would quit fighting, bc I am always like “ :’-] </3 Boys Please” when they swap out, but I love them just the same. He’s doing his best, he’s just stupid and a fool. Like Philip J Fry. Keeping his goddamn soldier toy, which somehow is listed as junk instead of sent to Misc with quest items where it would be fine, safe?parylizes me with fear. I’ve lost 2 hours of gameplay reloading an old save bc I accidentally lost it.

X6-88: A more complex one to answer about. He’s bad, but like, I’m pretty sympathetic to how he got that way. He was created in a lab and had his emotions mostly dragged out of him in intense psychologically damaging training so he would be a weapon and view himself as an object. I was relieved he chose me over the institute even if he wasn’t a fan of the chocie, and think that means there’s a lot of hope for him. Wish he’d chill the fuck out and quit intimidating civilians for 6 god damn seconds, but I like him. I bring him fancy lad snack cakes home from travels all the time, bc Synths are supposed to like them. Really like that he’s the /most/ sympathetic companion towards Danse in Blind Betrayal, even though he should not be programmed for that, and Danse hated him and made it clear any time they interacted.

(EDIT) Curie: I FORGOT HER BABY IM SO SORRY. I like Curie a lot, despite the fact I temporarily forgot she existed. I stg I thought she was in here. Uhhh, okay. Curie: like her character and personality, HUGE un-fan of both the way her desire to get a synth body is to be ‘more real,’ as if Codsworth isn’t a fully realized person while the same robot type she is, instead of just like. Because it would make her happy. ALSO hate how much of a Born Sexy Yesterday she is, even intentionally in not-determinate affinity talks. It’s gross. But her herself, I like a lot. She’s my daughter and I will protect her. She works at The Castle right now as their on-site medic.

Paladin Danse: I know I’m gonna take heat for this but honestly? He didn’t do much for me. I like that he looks and sounds kinda like Buzz Lightyear, and that’s fun, but idk at all why people think he’s so hot. He’s very boring & generic looking to me. Like you’re valid! Taste all be different. But he doesn’t do it for me personally in looks or personality. I don’t at all like, hate him. Or even dislike. Tbh I am fairly neutral on him. It was funny making affinity with him though. Every other companion I had maxed, I liked more and more with each affinity talk. They’d be like “So my dad was a minuteman and died and I want to honor him” or “I just want to really feel like I’m a person, for real, myself, and I am glad I met you, because the good we have achieved together is ours, even if I can’t be sure of anything else,” or “My brother threw the cultural minorities out of our city for clout bc the rich citizens were all racist, and I tried to help—I snuck them food to the unsafe ruins they set up in for weeks, but eventually, they just vanished, and I still bear immense guilt and self-hatred over not having stopped that.” And Danae’s would be like “One time a buddy of mine got kidnapped by super mutants. They turned him into one of them, and they’re all abominations, so I killed him and it made me really sad.” And I was just like “...Oh danse. I really wanted to like you more. But what the fuck.” His relationship to Haylen is sweet though. And ofc I saved him in Blind Betrayal. I blew up the Prydwin so he’s safe now too, and he lives in the garden by my house and tells me how glad he is we’re friends, and I’m p into that. Overall, my feelings on him are not strong at all though.

Porter Gage: Not a fan. Like, I appreciated he helped me kill the old boss, sure. And bc I owed him for that, I went to max affinity to see what there was to him as a person. And like, as far as raiders go, he was okay. But he wasn’t deeply sympathetic, and he’s a slaver, and if you try to liberate the slaves he and the others own, he /will/ turn on and attempt to murder you immediately, no matter how close you were, so he made his choice, and it was to be a bad person and an asshole to the last. Really enjoyed the VA’s work a lot on him tho.

And there you have it 👈👈😎. Thanks for asking!

[i-d-e-g-a-f]

day 1 taking my adhd meds, here are things i’ve noticed so far:

my legs are very shakey. like. EXTREMELY shakey. i’m stimming a LOT more but i think that might just be bc i took a test and it was helping me focus and now i just can’t stop lol

i feel a lot more at peace mentally? like my mind isn’t racing and i feel like my thoughts are much more clear. like i was able to express myself vulnerably and clearly without it being overly wordy and hard to understand.

this is just a general mental health update but i failed a test today and it didn’t cause me to spiral completely so i’m really happy :) i feel much more at peace with myself like my self worth isnt completely reliant on my grades and what others think of me :) i genuinely don’t hate myself and i feel like my friends love me and i don’t think i’ve ever been at a healthier state with my friends so yeah i’m pretty happy w my life rn, despite the fact that i BOMBED a test (which wouldnt destroyed me literally just two months ago)

i think my rejection sensitive dysphoria has just been dialed down a LOT so i feel less stressed

so yeah just wanted to say i’m happy and content rn and even if everything feels like absolute shit please trust that eventually it will get better because it has for me so far (and i’m hoping it continues to do so)

[despite-everything]

i feel really weird rn

like okay so ive had mental health issues since is was 8, but it feels like things have been so different since the pandemic started, and not just in the growing-touch-aversion and absolute-fear-of-seeing-people-or-being-in-public ways (thought those are happening too) but i feel like i’m just getting... weirder? like thats not a good way to put it at all but i really dont know what other word to use. i used to have certain physical stims, and i still do, but ive developed this verbal tic/stim i cant control when im happy/excited, which isnt too big of a deal, but whenever i get upset with myself for literally whatever reason, ive started flinching like... really hard. like my head sharping snaps down/to the right and i squeeze my eyes shut. and its even for little things, but its only whenever im upset with myself for something i said/did/didn’t do. im worried im like copying behaviors of people ive seen online or something, and i really dont want to be like accidentally mocking someone, but its involuntary and i hate it so much. 

since ive been living entirely alone since the end of may, ive gotten more comfortable letting myself move and live the way i want, even if that means that i wave my hands when i get excited or doing the dishes in a particular way, and those things dont bother me too much. i feel that im overall more comfortable when i dont have to be hiding parts of myself from people - be that family or roommates - but theres some stuff i jsut hate and it sucks. ive always had problems with meltdowns over certain things like people touching my laundry, but im worried im getting more sensitive to things. like i had to get a different piece of jewelry for one of my piercings, and it is ever so slightly different from the one before (like to the point that literally no one can tell. i could only tell because i looked at a picture with the old piece and then was like. thats Different. then i dug up the old (broken) piece and compared it to what i have now and saw the minuscule differences) and it made me cry for about 2 hours and i had to call a friend and i refreshed my hair dye/hair cut in order to calm myself down. like.... i dont think i used to be like that???? and also weird stuff doesnt bother me. i have this huge blowout on one of my tattoos - i didnt think about the fact that i shouldnt get ink while on accutane, so it was entirely my fault - and it literally doesnt bother me at all. it looks like i have a bruise about the size of a nickel on my arm, but i dont even care at all. i feel like that should bother me more than a piece of jewelry.

anyway im just working on some schoolwork and remembered something i forgot to do and it made me do that flinch/wince thing and i just wanted to vent about it a bit

[thedappleddragon]

Ok I’m a big dumb dumb and went almost a full week without updating yeehaw

Day 147 (Friday August 7th)

I patterned and sewed all the short pile face pieces for my fursuit

Day 148 (Saturday August 8th)

I spent a lot of time in my backyard after hearing my mom talk about her marital issues and how my dad is really emotionally abusive to her. Idk what I’m supposed to do about it other than pretend it isn’t happening 😗 ✌️ then my dad brought me Arby’s for dinner and we talked a little bit about nothing. I stared at him and really LOOKED at him, as if we were strangers meeting for the first time. He looks so old now, with deepening wrinkles and whiting hair. And I thought about how I don’t really know him, and how I couldn’t picture him doing all that shitty stuff to mom. I just don’t know how to feel. I didn’t mention it to him.

Day 149 (Sunday August 9th)

I finished furring my fur suit head (aside from the neck piece. The first time I traced out all my pattern pieces, I did them all backwards. Thankfully I noticed before cutting anything out, so I just retraced everything.

Day 150 🥳 (Monday August 10th)

I finished my suit! I tried a few different methods for the eyes, and ended using a plastic folder and some vinyl material off of a binder from church. I tried using a plastic storage container lid, but it was too difficult to cut through so I gave up. I had even brought it out to the backyard to clean it off with the hose, which felt almost nostalgic. Every time I use the hose, I remember a time when I was little and all the neighborhood kids were playing in my backyard. The hose was streatched across the yard so the end was at the top of the slide, making it a water slide that ended in a big puddle. I shouted over to the other kids something about twisting the wheel thing towards my house, since that’s where the party was. Anyway I finished my suit and happy stimmed like hell when I put it on, dancing around my room and jumping back and forth to tire myself out. I took a few pictures by myself while home alone. I haven’t shown it to my mom yet because I think she’ll poke fun. My dad is very supportive and my sister is neutral about it but it feels like she’s both impressed and judging me.

Day 151 (Tuesday August 11th)

I spent the whole day outside, and I saw a bunch of wierd bugs and a frog. I joined r/whatisthisbug and had the same professor dude answer all 3 of my questions.

The first one is a white marker tussocks moth caterpillar, and the other is a freshly molted wheel bug. I also submitted pictures of a freshly molted cicada I found a few days ago, and that post got 74 upvotes :) and that frog has been in the same spot every day I go back to check. He’s very cute and may stay as long as he pleases.

Sorry for the bad picture, but I also harvested some beans from the plants in my front yard. Very satisfying to play with.

My sister and I FaceTimed our brother Eric. I showed him my fursuit and he seemed impressed. Emily then gave me her old laptop, since mine is broken rn. I joined the stardew valley discord and played multiplayer for the first time! It was really fun. I also spent forever trying to get used to using a Mac. It’s still wierd lol. At night, I was on the computer just for the sake of being on the computer just because I was so starved. Also revisited furvilla, I like breeding mini pets and making bank selling supplies.

Day 152 (Wednesday August 12)

I played stardew valley literally ALL DAY. It was great, also the prettiest farm I’ve had yet. I tend to min/max pretty dang hard in that game, so it was nice to take it easy and lay down stone paths and make fences and let someone else influence my play style. Later at night, when the 2 other people I was playing with were busy, I really want to play stardew but I didn’t want to go back to my old saves or start a new one. The save data from my recent active farm didn’t transfer over, so I revisited my very first farm. I had quit that one because STV stopped working on my home computer and I had to stop for a long time. I couldn’t get back into the fast-paced endgame on that file, so I started a new one. I think steam broke on the home computer too, so I made 2 more when I got my brothers old laptop; one new main farm and one specifically for multiplayer. Then that laptop broke. Anyway sdv rant over. It’s really fun and I want to make my friend buy it since it’s on sale right now so we can play together. I also almost bought Minecraft, but Idk how often I would play it because I’m bad at video games.

Day 153 (Thursday August 13th)

Had a wierd morning I think? I had a dream about my dad dying of a heart attack while trying to look at the stars, and then telling him about my dream while still dreaming. Eventually my mom, sister and I drove to pick up groceries and I almost made my mom cry because I’m bad at driving and she always thinks I’m about to wreck the car. She screams all the goddam time at my every mistake, so I made emily drive us home, but she made me pick up smoothie king after a terrible time in the parking garage. I had to de-stress in the backyard for a while until I decided to take a shower and start on another fursuit. My mom has just given the dog a flea bath but didn’t rinse out the fleas and I was too grossed out and skipped the shower. I worked on the head for 4.5 hours excluding breaks, listening to drawfee the whole time. I made myself dinner with Mac n cheese n steamed broccoli. I want to sell the fur suit head I’m working on rn so I can buy more fur colors and maybe make a job out of it before I head off to college.

[worstwolverinesbf]

OH MY GOD THEYRE SO CUTEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE THEM

HI HI HI HI HI I WANNA SEE YOUR PUPPY MASK AND TAIL!!!!!!!

when i move out, i wanna get ears and a tail and little paws

💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

Okay okay okay!

Here they are!!!

I based the color scheme off of a beagle, but I wanted it curly so. It’s made entirely of a steel wire and acrylic yarn, brushed out to be super fluffy

The mask is made of cardboard, fabric, and acrylic paint

I love them so much omg!!! The tail is so big and so cute and it just makes me so happy ☺️

💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙