#I’m just going to have a mental breakdown over my art in the tags because I don’t want to redo these but also looking at them makes me

[72stars]

“Burning Bright” costume/character rough (very rough) design ideas for Sunfire & Wolverine, because I didn’t have much in the way of ideas for them (outside of “okay but it’d be fun if Wolverine showed a lot of skin? and okay I guess here’s some less tits-out ideas” and “I’m just… not going with an imperial flag motif for Sunfire this version has been with the X-Men since he was a teenager it doesn’t make sense for him anyway”) and decided to get their roughs out of the way first (next up for roughs: Rogue & Storm)

[ghostmoon1]

Love at First Sight || Part Three

I'm absolutely loving this series, and by the looks of it you all are as well! I have a few more ideas to do for this main part, then I'll possibly break it up into some smaller stories. I also plan on doing art on this ship as I get better at drawing. Also, I'd be happy to make a taglist of anyone wants to be a part of that for this fic and the mini stories connected to it! I wasn't expecting people to like it so much, but since yall do my tag list is open!

Soap x Florence (OC)

PART TWO || PART FOUR

Summary: The date hasn't exactly gone as planned. Because of this, feelings have been discovered. Only problem is, are the feelings mutual?

Word Count: 2071

Warnings: Nothing much, again. Maybe a lil mental breakdown and crying. Mentions of accident (amputation)

He stood there in silence. Such painful silence. She wanted to scream at him to say something. Anything. Anything would be better than this silence. Why wasn't he saying anything? Was he trying to think of a way to tell him that he didn't feel the same, or that this was all a sick joke? Maybe he didn't like her like she likes him. He was kind, he made her feel like she was an actual human being and not a toy, to play with once then throw at the wall and forget about for months. Toys grow dust, they rust, they slowly break down until nothing is left besides a broken mess. Maybe that would happen to her again. Maybe he really was like the rest of them-

“Lass. I’m so glad you do.”

What?

“What?-”

He chuckles and cradles her face in his hands, looking directly into her eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes, it felt like they catched her poor soul, cradling it back to health. She focused on his rough fingertips surrounding her face. These war-torn hands have probably taken so many lives. More than she could ever imagine. But they feel as if they are giving her life. They felt warm and comforting, not something you’d expect from a trained killer.

“Lass, I think I fell in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you.”

The world just stops. Her breath hitches in her throat. Love? Her? But…that's not possible, right? No one has before, why now? She could feel the warmth flooding her cheeks. The words kept replaying in her head. In love with me from the moment I laid eyes on you… in love… the moment he laid eyes on me…

Was this… real?

“W-what?” she managed to choke out, her expression portrayed as pure shock and surprise. “Really? This… isn't some sort of joke?”

His expression softens instantly. “A joke? No lass, I’m telling yer’ the truth,” John says as his thumb trails over her jawline once more. He notices the tears building up in her eyes again. “Lass, what sick bastard would make you think those sorts of things for every man you’ve been with…?”

The tears begin to fall. Of course, she didn't want to be crying in front of her date. Especially their first date none the less. But this was too much. He actually cared. He was different. 

The tears were warm, sliding down her face and onto John’s hands. The tears stung, making it painful to even keep her eyes open. 

“Oh lass don’t cry, you're okay… it’s gonna’ be okay…” he coos softly, moving his arms around her back and pulling her into his chest. She melts instantly, letting her head fall into his chest and staining his shirt with tears.

It was comforting. Much needed comfort. The soft fabric tickled her ear, the warmth softly radiating from his chest, the way his chest slowly rose and fell with each breath, his heartbeat seeming to echo through his chest. She could feel everything. It was like this spot was just made for her. Her little place to rest. 

She lets the clouded thoughts slowly escape her mind. He was her safe place now.

“That's it lass… breathe..” John whispers soothingly, letting his hand run through her hair. “How about… we go for a walk before we go back inside?”

“Hm… okay that sounds okay…” she replies, looking down to study her dress. It was a wreck.

John hums in thought, before grabbing his jacket off his shoulders and draping it around her. “Here… lemme, lass?” he says softly. 

She nods and he helps thread her arms through the sleeves, bunching it up at her wrists because of its large size. The warmth immediately surrounds her, his body heat transferring from the jacket to her skin, calming down her goose-bumps. He grins, his teeth shining past his lips. “Much better, innit it lass?”

“Yeah… thank you,” she says, hugging the jacket tighter to herself. 

“Lets go lass, calm those nerves down of yours”

He says, his charming smile still plastered on his face. Does it ever leave?

He takes her hand, calloused fingers against her soft and smooth ones. Her heart flutters. Was this normal? To feel so in love after not even a full date? They were really only half way through the date, and she felt absolutely head over heels for this man. Mohawk and all.

He gently tugs her down the footpath, crossing the road and to the park down the block. He naturally had long strides, probably something he picked up from his job. He notices how she had to hurry her steps to keep up with him, his expression softening further and slowly down slightly. 

He couldn't be so fast. He had to take it slow. Both literally and metaphorically. He wasn't used to such slow and calming walks. What he was used to was the fast paced action of the military. Now that job never slowed, if it were being deployed, training, and of course everyone's least favourite things, the paperwork. His team made it bearable, they were his family. They had to be so close. You can't be on the battlefield, fighting for someone’s life when you don't even trust them. He probably trusted them more than his actual family, although he wouldn't dare say that to their faces. His mother would pull his ear until he gave them the most full-hearted apology in existence. Speaking of his mother… he had to call her, before she hunted him down. That woman can be scary when she wants to be.

The darkness of the night stretched out in front of them, the light from the street lights softly illuminating their path. Florence let out a sigh, like she just had to breathe all of her feelings out. They still felt heavy, like a brick resting on her chest. But it felt as if he helped chip away at that feeling.

John noticed her sigh and had to hide a small smile. “Feeling any better now, Lass?”

“Yeah. I used to go on walks with my family. We… don't do it anymore,” she replies, rubbing her arm slightly.

He watches her movements and frowns slightly. There was more to this story he didn’t know. But he shouldn’t push it… right? It’s not his place to ask, not unless she shares it with him. But oh, how much he wanted to know what had happened. Maybe she lost contact, a fight? There was worse he thought of but prayed that wasn’t it, for her sake.

“Since my dad… lost his leg. We couldn't do it as a family, mum found it too hard to do it without him,” she continues, her eyes focusing on the ground. He could see the pain, the old feelings and hurt bubbling to the surface. She trusted him enough for her to open up like this.

“That’s horrible Lass…” his voice full of empathy, giving her hand a little squeeze. He sighs before continuing, “May I ask… how?”

Florence nods, her eyes narrowing slightly. “He was a construction worker, building a hotel. The cables weren;t tied properly, ones holding some pipes. Cables snapped… he was unlucky enough to be in the way of them. Shattered his whole leg. It was a bloody mess… they had to amputate it, there was nothing else that could be done.”

His eyes widen as he listens, his grip subconsciously getting tighter on her hand. Her eyes looked to be glazed over in thought, staring off at the ground. “I’m so sorry lass…” is all he can say. What else does he say? How can he comfort her? 

“It’s okay. It happened a few years back, we’re all doing well besides that. He’s his old self again.”

He nods, letting a comfortable silence fall between them. There was so much he didn't know about her. By the sounds of it, she’s gone through a lot and possibly much more that he hasn't even tapped at the surface of. 

The footpaths stretched on beyond the park, curling around buildings and into alleyways. He stops once they reach the end of the park, the lush grass becoming cold and hard concrete. The man-made jungle of the city. 

“How about we get back, and have that dinner, lass?”

She nods, a small smile creeping on her lips once more. Hugging his jacket closer, and letting his scent fill her nose. 

He led her back through the park and into the restaurant, their table now cleaned from the previous encounter. They get served their food (Now with another waiter, the first one was far too embarrassed by her mistake). They make small talk, tell stories, jokes, and learn about one another. John’s voice felt like an anchor, helping her feel grounded. She felt as if he really were interested in her. Maybe for once it’ll work out. What if he’s the one?

After their dinner, he walks her out to her car, hand in hand. “Thank you for that, lass. It was amazing,” he states, his charming smile still on his face. It might as well be permanently carved there. She thinks she hasn't seen another emotion on his face besides that.

“It was really nice. Thank you, for not bailing on me,” she replies, a sheepish smile spreading across her lips and bleeding out into her cheeks, her dimples catching his eyes.

“Of course! Any bloke who bails out on a sweet thing like yer’self, is a bloody dumbass!”

A giggle escapes her lips, pure, genuine laughter. God it’s been a while since I’ve laughed like that…

He grins as he listens to the sound of her laughter fill his ears. It was such a beautiful sound, so sweet, so pure, so innocent. It filled his heart with this warm, fuzzy feeling. Maybe he was too far in already. But he couldn't care, she was with him. She liked him too. But was it too quick?

He sighs, giving her hands a small and gentle squeeze. “I better let yer get home, huh?”

She smiles and gives his hands a squeeze in return. “I suppose so.”

Another small silence falls between them. It wasn’t exactly awkward, but he wished he had more to say. “Well, see you soon then lass?”

“Yeah, bye. Enjoy the rest of your night, Johnny.”

He watches as she gets in her car, turning the key to the engine and the engine purring to life. Enjoy the rest of your night… Johnny. The car soon drives away, down the road and out of sight. Johnny.

She called him Johnny. Johnny. It was pure bliss, hearing that one word roll of her tongue. So sweet and wonderful. It made his heart swell, it was going to burst from his chest. He makes his way to his own car, half dazed and lost in thought as the word continues to repeat itself in his mind. Johnny. 

His drive back to base went by in a blur, his mind focusing on that name. Johnny. He walks back to his barracks, passing the rec room, not noticing Simon’s large form standing in front of the fridge. “Johnny, watch your step. You look like you're about to run into a wall if you keep zoning out like that.”

He pauses and steps back into the rec room. “I ain’t zoning out… your. Imagining things.”

Simon just huffs and rolls his eyes as he turns to face John, his mask bunched up above his nose and a beer bottle in hand. “I know that look. What happened on the date?”

John sighs and flops down onto the couch, a dazed and dreamy expression on his face. “She called me Johnny.”

“Seriously?”

“What?”

Simon raises his eyebrows at him. “You're seriously so dazed, because this chick called you Johnny? I call you johnny on the daily, and your not acting like a love struck puppy with me”

He snorts and playfully slaps his arm as he joins him on the couch. “Cause’ you ain’t a cute chick!”

Simon shakes his head and brings the beer bottle to his lips. “Damn right.”

John stares out at the rest of the rec room as Simon drinks his beer. “Y’know what L.T?”

Simon tilts his head slightly, questioning him silently.

“I think I wanna’ marry this lass one day…”

[firebird-inkheart]

Interesting to come back here after a nice break focusing on other things just to find people scrambling to glue back together what was essentially a burning house of straw that is this “community”. When I first joined a few years back then yeah, sure, I could consider this little corner of the internet a community. But eventually “community” dwindled down to “I can only trust this handful of people to not prematurely judge and shoot me in the back”.

Initially, I started out hopeful, wanting to share my art, interact with new people. But I’ve experienced several mental breakdowns and manic episodes over the course of the last 3/4 years thanks to this “community” alone. Watching judgey “rules” build up, followed by even more predictable demanding behavior to uphold some sort of paragon of non-existent virtue, and eventually reaching a pinnacle of lies, slander, and witch hunts before we all wind down and wait for the cycle to start up again. I can barely even bring myself to tag things in the self ship tags anymore because of how willing people are to go for blood via misunderstandings or even just a straight up refusal to consider the other person’s side.

That kind of cycle leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, makes me unreasonably paranoid, even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, for something that’s supposed to be considered a “safe space”. And do you know what all of this reminds me of? It reminds me of having to watch what I said so I didn’t accidentally set my dad off into an accusation filled rage. Chew on that for a minute: This “community” has gotten so bad that it has, time and again, reminded me of my own father’s cycles of domestic abuse.

Like, genuinely, what in the actual fuck?

And this isn’t even getting into how much this “community” preaches about give and take, but only by and large demonstrates― No, demands ― the Take aspect of things. That leads into a larger problem surrounding the demand of instant consumption that’s been plaguing the internet for the last decade, but the base line of this problem is that this “community” gets so nasty demanding that people pay attention to their things, yet don’t reciprocate by giving attention back to others. I’m not really much of a saint either; there’ve been plenty of times where I’ve gotten upset at how things I’ve worked hard on would barely even break ten notes, especially when I did properly tag them. It’s hard to look at popular blogs get tons of attention when you get nothing, I get it, really. But with the way everything gets handled around here, it just feeds back into that horrible cycle.

It’s exhausting, being in this “community” most of the time. The things that are supposed to make me happy and bring me comfort don’t bring those sorts of “rewards” to me anymore unless I keep them within a small circle. Which sucks because I do want to share with a larger audience. I do want to get people excited for my things and to hype them up for theirs in turn.

Just not in this hostile environment.

And while it’s admirable that people want to better this “community”, it’s just another cog in the damning cycle because nothing ever actually gets done. It’s always just talk before we wind up to the big pitch that is infighting and self righteous judgement and witch hunts. Over. And over. And over again.

I always say that the “dead from the beginning” is one of my favorite tropes, never really thought I’d be experiencing the irony of living it with this “community”.

The straw house is already burned down, there is no building it back up again.

[kimchokejin]

music tag games 🎶

doing another round up because i fell way behind on tag games due to my mental breakdown 🙃 thank you for tagging me!!! sorry for the long post feel free to just...not look at it

game #1: artist bingo

tagged by @lesovoj​​ 💘

rules: look at the bingo card of the person who tagged you, highlight the artists you have in common and then create your own

did not expect tongue out to be one of the default paint 3d stickers but it worked out!

i picked these from my top artists on lastfm for the past year but i took out bts and any artists that have been...disappointing me lately...

for anyone who wants to play!

game #2: first listens/watches

tagged by @summerwave​​ 💝

rules: list your favorite albums that you first listened to and your favorite shows/movies you first watched in 2022

albums

i did the grid this time!

Dawn FM by The Weeknd

Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers by Kendrick Lamar

blue water road by Kehlani

Juno (Deluxe) by Remi Wolf

Rachel@Fairyland by Rae Morris

Live by Joywave

Somewhere City by Origami Angel

Nymph by Shygirl

Tracy Chapman by Tracy Chapman

watches

not doing a grid for this one idk how to do that for tv/movie posters lol

Because This Is My First Life (2017) - Netflix

Heartstopper (2022) - Netflix

Our Flag Means Death (2022) - HBO Max

Encanto (2021) - Disney+

Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) - Paramount+?

Fire Island (2022) - Hulu

Fight Club (1999)

What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim? (2018)* - Hulu

Sort Of (2021)* - HBO Max

*haven’t finished but i like it so far!

i don’t watch a lot of things so don’t take any of these recs too seriously haha

game #3: receiptify

tagged by @summerwave​ 💝

rules: just run your spotify or whatever you have to stream music through this thing: https://receiptify.herokuapp.com/

i guess most people just share last month but i have spotify and last.fm and i like to overshare data so you’re getting it all oops. spotify first

i’m pretty sure i only listened to #10 twice? but the rest make sense. where’s newjeans though i was definitely listening to them

oh wow that’s just embarrassing

now artists!

son lux is only on there because i listened to the everything everywhere all at once soundtrack and there were a lot of songs on it. and i only listened to youngboy’s album one time? but the rest is probably accurate

i listened to so much all time low before i heard about the jack barakat stuff :/

now genres!

i am also assuming escape room art pop and boom bap have something to do with the everything everywhere all at once soundtrack because i have no idea what those are

now...”stats”

sorry every time i just see random numbers without units i just think about this

anyway...now lastfm!

oh look at that an opportunity for me to plug the greng jai piece! if you want the ability to pretend you don’t have mental illness for 30 minutes this is the album for you

yeah so...indigo and i have developed a very special relationship over the past few weeks...like i said before i have been Going Through It™

okay so just to put this in perspective, rattlesnake was my second most listened to song during ALL of 2022. it came out in january of last year. indigo has only been out for TWO MONTHS. and still life is tied.

tagging in case any of these games interest you, no pressure: @courtthisdisaster​​, @cheekyquokka​​, @mutedstring​​, @joon-rkive​​, @sugaggukkie​​

[dancingadopteethoughts]

*Important!!* “What to Expect from This Blog”

Blog Background:

I originally created this blog to share my adoptee-related writing and while I still post my adoptee-related writing here, what I reblog and post has developed over time, so in this post, I hope to clarify what potential viewers can expect from this blog

I am an adult and will occasionally be posting things related to adulthood and adult themes

What I will be posting:

Check out my Tags Masterlist to see a breakdown of my tagging system

As I stated above, this blog was originally created to share my adoptee writings, so you can expect posts that include essays, book reviews, fanfiction, short stories, short screenplays, and poems I have written that will touch upon topics of mental health, family, racial and gender identity, and more and how they relate to adoptee experiences

On this blog, my reblogs and non-adoptee writing posts will relate to culture and adoptee experiences (with culture being defined in the broadest sense and relating to common attitudes, practices, and beliefs among certain groups of people) and these posts will touch on topics such as racism, attitudes towards family, and cultural significance of art

All of my posts and reblogs, unless I have tagged them otherwise as NSFW (not-safe-for-work), will be non-graphic and/or SFW (safe-for-work) besides the occasional swearing

I will occasionally reblog and post things related to current events and politics as a left-leaning person, so if that makes you feel uncomfortable, you are welcome to block me

At the same time, please don't take my occasional reblogs/posts on current events/politics to be representative of everything I am doing or believe regarding a particular issue; of course, I'm not perfect and I have my blindspots, but I have a life outside of Tumblr and if I reblog/post something about a particular topic here, it does not mean that I am ignoring other issues or not doing other things to support particular movements in my life outside of Tumblr

I like talking about my identity, particularly as an adoptee, as such, you can expect some content on that topic; once again, if that makes you uncomfortable, I do not mind if you block me

Notes about NSFW tagging:

On this blog, I will tag posts NSFW if they describe or show sex, violence, gore, severe wounds, nudity, slurs, and pornography in extremely graphic detail

For me, non-graphic means that posts can still mention directly or indirectly any of the above as long as it is not shown/described in extreme detail, so I still encourage you to block me if you feel uncomfortable

Just because I tagged something NSFW does not mean I believe the original post to be bad; I am just protecting potential viewers who may be coming to my blog with histories and backgrounds I have no idea about

If you have questions, concerns, or suggestions regarding how I tag NSFW content, please DM me or send me an ask; I am happy to discuss and listen

What I would appreciate from viewers:

Please do not repost my essays, book reviews, fanfiction, short stories, short screenplays, and poems without permission to other sites or copy and paste them into a separate Tumblr post; you are, of course, welcome and encouraged to reblog, comment on, and like them though if you choose to

If you’re confused about something I wrote, shared, or reblogged, I encourage you to DM me or send me an ask; I am always happy to clarify and listen to concerns made in good faith

This should go without saying, but you don’t have to agree with me; it’s okay to comment on and/or reblog my posts with counter-arguments, ignore a post I wrote/reblogged, or, as stated above, reach out to me for clarification because like everyone else in this world, I’m not perfect and I am always happy to learn from different perspectives

On that note, if you are arguing with me that people of certain races, ethnicities, gender identities, sexual/romantic orientations, religions, etc. don’t deserve to exist, be respected, or fight for their liberation or rights without any intention of listening to and learning from the perspectives of people from marginalized backgrounds, then I will not engage in dialogue with you

Critical thinking is so important to me and I completely believe you do not need a college degree to take a few moments and think through context, emotions, evidence, etc. to make a strong argument and critique others’ (including mine!!)

Another thing that should go without saying is that you are welcome to block me if any of my posts make you uncomfortable; I don’t know your history and background and while I try to be sensitive in what I post and reblog, I know I’ll make mistakes without realizing it, so please do what you have to in order to protect yourself

[bestial4ngel]

God I wish I was a kid again. Even though I went through some Shit I just miss the pure joy of it. It’s so upsetting to realize that I’ll never get to experience that again

[ragzpizzle]

Hey guys, it’s Ragz Pizzle here. I usually don’t make shit like this, cause main of the time all you see from me is things I draw on my head, but I wanna talk to y’all about something, and it’s actually driving me crazy, and if I don’t do something about this, then I would probably have a mental breakdown over it. So, what am I talking about may I ask? Well, if you see me from The Black Phone Fandom, which I don’t think I’m that noticed there, but I would usually sometimes click on the “Albert Shaw” Tag on this app, since obviously I simp for The Grabber, and would sometimes draw Ship Art of myself with him, but sometimes, everytime I go in there, I have to see this fucking Alfinn Blog on Tumblr. Not only that, but sadly I feel like this ship is starting to get popular on The Black Phone Fandom. This is a very horrible thing, and I will try to explain in a detailed way on why this is such a big deal, and why it is upsetting for some people. I just wanna come cross off, Finney literally hates Albert. Albert kidnapped him and beated the hell out of him when Finney tried to escape, and I have a feeling that he probably did way worse to him as well, along with the other boys he took. Second of off, The Grabber is a grown ass man (I believe he is at least 51 years old), while Finney is at least 13 years old. Third, and the most important reason why this ship is so harmful, not only Finney is a Minor, BUT THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED THAT CHARACTER is also a Minor! I absolutely cannot stand the fact that people think this is ok, and not only there’s a Alfinn Account on Tumblr, but there’s one on fucking TikTok, and the thing that really upset me the most, is that there was this really one cool person who made Black Phone Fanarts, and gosh they looked absolutely beautiful, but I checked on their page if they made any new ones, only for them to post about their private account that was a Alfinn Account. I was upset about this because as like I said, they had so much potential for their content, but looks like we can’t have good things these days. So you are telling me, Alfinn Shippers would be ok Scott Free posting fanart or fanfics about their Proship Relationship, and not get any Flashbacks at all, but as soon someone says that they have a crush on The Grabber or make something about themselves with them, all of the sudden there told to off themselves? This just makes me really mad mainly because Grabber x Self Insert Shippers literally didn’t do shit, so I don’t know why we are the ones getting hate? Before I end this off, let me just ask for this. If you sort some of way, think/ship/support Alfinn, or support someone who thinks this ship is ok, I hope you know that I want you to get off of my fucking account. Because proshippers, especially ones that ship actual underage actors, will never be welcome on my account, nor do they deserve access to the internet. Just know also, if you are following me, and I find out you are a Alfinn Shipper, you are just gonna get blocked for it. Just warning you now, don’t follow me if you are a Alfinn Account/Supporter or you will get what I told you what you are gonna get.

I also apologize if you see this with a totally Off Topic Tag you click on, but I really need people to see this and know why this is upsetting for people.

[omiscurls]

Heyhey! I couldn’t find your rules, so idk if this is allowed or not, and if it isn’t feel free to ignore this, but may I request Childe with a reader who has depression? Thank you

tough

a/n: hi!! sorry for that, the rules are added by now, i chose not to describe depression itself, because it looks different on everyone, and you may not relate to what applies to me, but i'm hoping you'll find this enjoyable instead!!

plot: character helping the reader out of a breakdown, or a bad headspace

contains: tartaglia, kaeya

warnings: bad copying mechanisms, low mental place, nothing too serious mentioned

tartaglia

now, he's a man of action less than words, even though he's good with those, too

and to add to that, he's also a very perceptive person - if some negative vibe lingers on you for too long, he'll notice right away

however, relying on his experience, he opts to give you space to figure it out on your own, first, he wouldn't like to be making a huge deal of something that was just a worse couple of days

it's when you don't show up at your usual dinner spot, that he gets a little tingle in his brain, telling him to not dismiss it this time.

and so, he makes his way over to your place.

"ya there?" you hear on the other side of the door, followed by urgent knocking, sort of breaking you out of a trance, but you can't find it in you to go and answer it. he'll go away, you think, even better. your apartment is messy, you're messy, too, and it's not the right time to be receiving visitors. so you stay quiet.

"you do know i know you're in there, right?" he speaks up again "the blinds would be down if you weren't"

come in, you want to shout, and although no voice leaves your throat, soon the door opens anyway.

"hey, what's up, you weren't on the- oh." he stops in his tracks in the middle of the corridor, and you're already mentally prepared to a snarky remark about your sorroundings, but the only thing he says is a lighthearted "why're you sitting on the floor?"

the first thing he thinks about is to level with you, so he plops himself down right beside you, and you bet it looks funny - you in yesterday's clothes, in a big, probably smelly, mess, and then a harbinger in full military outfit right beside you.

"i-" you try to say, but your throat seems too dry and worn out, so you opt for a whisper "look at his place"

he indeed does, hinting the small note of desperation in your voice.

"what about it?"

"it's a mess!" you sigh, covering your face with your hands, out of both embarrassment, and fatigue. you take a big breath before continuing "so i wanted to clean it up, i even brought all the... all the things, but it's so much stuff to do, and i'm tired, and- and i don't know!" you choose to stop as not to snap right then and there. "i can't even do my shitty chores right like an adult" you mumble, massaging your temples.

"and is sitting on the floor helping?" he simply asks, and for a second, you're almost mad at him for not being more... cooey and fuss over you a bit more. he sounds cold.

"what are you-"

"really, is it helping?" he repeats "because from how i see it, every little thing would seem bigger if you looked at it from this angle. come on" he nudges you before standing up, and offering a hand to lift you up. you, however, shake your head.

"i really can't deal with it today, childe, i'm sorry"

"just stand up" he pleas, and the second you take his hand, he helps you up in less than a second. when you're on his level again, he sneaks both his arms on the sides of your waist, and sort of sways around a little, before speaking again. "what if, what if we do it little by little? look, we'll start over there" he puts his hand on top of yours, and lifts your arm to point to the full sink along with his. "and that'd be it for today! and then tomorrow... actually, let's not make plans. we'll just pick something tomorrow, and do it then. does the sink sound like a lot to do?" he asks.

"do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to say no" you mutter, earning the heartiest and brightest laughter you've heard in days from him.

"always honest. but come on, i'll help." he rolls you out of his embrace, causing you to feel a sudden wave of cold, it was comfortable back there, you think.

however, as he works through the dishes with you, the pile does seem to lessen, and doesn't rule over your kitchen anymore. every time he hands you a plate to dry, he smiles as wide as he can, and it doesn't seem to bother him at all when you don't smile back.

"remember" he starts again, after a while of comfortable silence. he looks ridiculous, doing the kitchen duties in an outfit designed mostly to look presentable and slay enemies in it, but the look on his face is dead set. "the first lesson you've gotta learn before going off to battle something, is that the best defense is always, always to fight back. and if you don't think you can manage that, well, that's why nobody ever battles alone. it's common sense to have someone watching your back. and as for you, not only are you a great warrior yourself, but you've also got the best second-in-command willing to help you out. don't forget that."

kaeya

as for him, he's also perceptive and empathic, but the difference between him and tartaglia is that he does believe people have the right to figure some things out on their own, he's a firm believer in the magic of secrets

that's probably because he himself doesn't like to share too much about his deeply personal feelings

so he'd obviously see some wave of difficult emotions coming your way, but would he immediately start worrying? probably not

the guy doesn't have healthy copying mechanisms himself, don't think he expects those of others

every other night the two of you meet up at the tavern, kaeya always ordering wine, you asking the bartender for whatever was in store today, but it's never anything alcoholic.

and just like nearly always, you're seated at angel's share, him noticing you're not particularly in the mood for talking, and choosing to entertain you with as many stories of the day that went by as he can remember.

the waiter interrupts him, asking if your minds are already made up regarding the drink. now, kaeya always has you picking first, but since he sees you're still analyzing the card (as if you expected to find anything new), he goes first with a drink he knows charles makes really strong.

to his surprise, when it comes to you, you just mumble "i'll have the same he had"

before the waiter has a chance of writing that down, kaeya tells him that actually, you're gonna need a minute or two more, and to erase the order you've both put in.

as he walks away, the calvary captain's eyes pierce through yours.

"that's a pretty nasty drink you wanted there" he starts, feeling he can't let you handle your mess this time, preparing to dig a little deeper into what's on your mind.

you shrug your shoulders.

"hey" he speaks up a little firmer, hand moving to cover yours, and even though they twitch as to retreat from his grip, you let it be. "tell me what's up."

"nothing's <up>" you accentuate. "can't i even have a drink now?"

"obviously you can" he nods "as long as i know you're trying it just for the taste, and not for the strong kick it's gonna offer, cause that's a dangerous path that only leads to nasty places." concern shines through his gaze, and an encouraging smile is wandering somewhere in his expression, however his lips are still pressed into a tight line, the same he forms when he's either fighting or arguing.

you stay silent for a good long while, before sighing.

"maybe i want the kick. good, or bad, maybe i want to feel... something."

the sentence sounds all too familiar, as he shakes his head and takes your hand, leading you towards the exit.

"what're you-"

"you're obviously not in the right state to be in a bar, of all places" he states almost coldly "so i'm getting you somewhere safer."

the two of you leave the bar, and walk out into the cold of mondstadt's street, covered in the darkness of the night. you walk past him, not leveling up to him, just tagging along to whatever he's going.

it comes as a surprise, that you're neither headed for your apartment, nor his, nor the knights' headquarters. he's guiding you in an unknown direction, until you reach a dead end.

he clims up a small building, offering you a hand and shaking off your confused expressions and questions. "you'll see" he says. the two of you walk from roof to roof, and countless times you tell him it's ridiculous, but then, he jumps onto the city's wall, helping you out with two hands this time, sitting you down right next to him on the stone surface of the wall. it's a little wet from the night's humidity, and cold, and probably dirty too, but the moon shines right at you, and from this perspective, you see thousands of lights in houses, taverns and shops, from the bottom up to the cathedral.

going up from that, a calm and peaceful lake paints the landscape blue on the left, and even from up here, you see a sea of lampgrasses shining through the leaves of wolvendom forest. if you squint, lights are still on in dawn winery, and the path to liyue and all the other lands swirls around near diluc's house. there's so much you can see, even if the night limits your vision.

"i like to come here when i need to gain some perspective over what is happening in my life right now" kaeya speaks really softly and quietly, bordering on a whisper. "it's a beautiful view, even someone as insensitive to art as i am can see that, but other than that... it's huge. and even though it is, it's also alive. every single one of those beings whose lights are dying out as they slowly go to sleep one by one, they're alive. they're not a scenery, they're their own, individual worlds. and they all coexist with each other in such a clever manner, don't you think? they have their differences, they might even hate each other, or wish the worst upon the other's name, but from up here? they fit together like puzzles of one, big picture."

"that's a nice way to put it, for sure" you whisper, looking down onto your knees. his finger pushes your chin slightly to make you face him, and he smiles at you gently, thumb brushing against the skin of your cheek.

"you know, we each have our own worlds, built from scratch from such fragile materials. we have our worlds rise, shine, and crumble before our sights. we look over the ruins of them and think, this is the end of the world. there's nothing more, it's all dust now. but from up here, you see how many other worlds there are - everyone has their own. not everything that is happening in your world is true. you see it from first person's perspective, and therefore the view might be disturbed by many different aspects. you might not see the picture, you just see the broken puzzle fragment that can't fit with the rest, and you're ready to throw away the entire picture, without finishing it. but being here, it reminds me... the world doesn't end on the ruins you see. you can always ask someone to help you build them up again, and of course, you can expect it to fall into pieces once more, but this time, you'll keep in mind, there're-" he stopped, pointing to the city's lights. "so many people to help you raise it up to the clouds."

"your metaphor is really complex" you chuckle, but his face stays still.

"it's not the end of the world if your puzzle piece is broken. and the ruins are not unfixable if you feel too tired to build them up all by yourself. if anything, that's a start." his hand travels up to keep the hair from getting on your face, since the wind blows pretty hard on this height. "what do you say we start your puzzle once more, toghether?"

-

your friendly reminder that you can request things [here]

[kittenofdoomage]

Happy Birthday to my blog, seven years ago today I started out in this strange wilderness and it's only gotten stranger 👍 nearly 700 stories and over 3.3 million words of fanfiction.

I was just going to leave this as a happy birthday blog post but I feel like I've got a few things I need to get off my chest, so this is below the cut, I know not everyone wants to or particularly cares to read it so there's ya choice 🤷‍♀️

There's no big announcements here FYI. I'm just doing what my friends have told me and putting my thoughts down on paper.

Some of you may have noticed I'm not posting anything on Tumblr anymore. The lack of interaction (comments, asks etc.) has just really put me off putting anything on here because it doesn't really feel like anyone either wants to read it or wants me around anymore, and I'm not gonna beg for attention. I'm not surprised, to be honest, my whole life I've been a square peg in a round hole. People just don't want me around - it's not just online. In real life there's exactly one place I feel like no one wants me to leave and that's in my house, with my family. I've just always been an odd person, and there aren't many people who vibe with me, it's cool, I've accepted it. But I'm not gonna be opening myself to that discomfort or pain anymore. My fics are all on Ao3 and I'll continue to post on there, my Tumblr will remain but I can't find the strength to get excited about something and then deal with the crushing feeling that no one wants my work. TBH I barely check Tumblr that much anymore bc I only come on here to check messages (usually from Beka, who knows all of this already but if you're reading this, thank you for listening to me and being patient with my mental breakdowns). My asks are staying off for now (sorry, Heart Anon, I love you, I've no idea who you are but please know you've been a light in my life and I appreciate you so much, and Marie, you have also been a beautiful friend with your daily gifs and hearts) but my PMs are on, just don't expect an answer right away.

I turn 35 tomorrow. It's been playing on my mind a lot, especially since my life expectancy ain't looking too good lol. I don't really have much of a life outside Tumblr. I'm a pretty boring person actually. Writing was the way I expressed myself and I truly enjoyed interacting with people who liked my stories. During the pandemic, it's been a way to keep myself focused and keep from slipping into the dark places we're all too familiar with. But there have been occasions lately where writing has been the cause of a slip into a dark place. And that's not healthy, and I need to work on it. I feel this is the time to stop forcing myself to write, seeing as I can't do much of it with my tiny human home for the school holidays.

My Patrons don't need to worry, I've still got material to share, it's a commitment I intend to honor because really, writing is the only thing I have, the only thing I feel I can do well and I am so, so, so, appreciative of every single person that supports me. I can't have a regular job right now (I hope that will change at some point because I've worked all my life until I got sick and I hate it) but you guys have given me a thread of independence, of dignity, and I value every one of you so much, those who have supported, who continue to support and who do so in the future.

I know this won't get absorbed, because it never does but those of you who read on Tumblr... please share the work you like. Set up a separate blog if you're too embarrassed to share on your main, make a reblogging blog, send asks, whatever, just please tell your author how much you liked what they did. I can assure you, those authors are waiting for it. We work so hard on what we make, what we create, we want you to scream from the rooftops. It doesn't even have to be coherent, we love all the feedback, we crave it (as long as it's not just a demand for part two, even Thor learned to ask for more without being rude about it, everyone else can). Without it, we're like plants without water. We don't feel the want to create anymore. And that's kinda where I'm at now. I don't want to lose my passion for my art but when there's nothing to do it for, sometimes it's out of our hands.

So, that's where I'm at. I'll probably lose followers (though I've already lost 250 in the last two months so that's not a surprise) and if any of my Patrons feel like my statement is unacceptable, that's fine. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I just wanted to put my feelings down, to be honest with everyone. And I have.

I don't want the list of stories to end at 700. I want to keep creating stories that everyone will enjoy. I really hope things with change, even if not for me, then for the others out there who are on their creative journey.

Much love to everyone, stay safe xxx

(this post will remain untagged so it will not show in searches and I'm not tagging those people who I have spoken to about this and my feelings in general, as they know who they are, and they know they're very special, amazing, and appreciated people to me. I don't particularly care if this gets reblogged or not.)

[coffee-imagines]

All Work and No Play

Pairing: Draco x reader

Warnings: angst

Summary: After trying to drown yourself in work to avoid your feelings Draco finally pulls you out

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You’d been trying to hide it for days, and Draco couldn’t stand seeing you like this. He’d hardly been able to get through to you, and you’d been acting like normal that he hadn’t really been able to say anything. You’d been hiding yourself in your school work, but that didn’t stop you from giving Draco the same love and treatment that you normally did. You hadn’t wanted to treat him poorly, and you definitely weren’t going to talk about whatever was bothering you.

For the past days you’d tried to avoid everything other than school and Draco. You were trying to get as far ahead with school as you could, studying for things that you weren’t even going to be tested on. You’d been sitting on Draco’s lap, writing an essay that wasn’t due for another month and you smiled when you felt Draco’s lips graze your cheek.

“How about you take a break?” Draco asked, rubbing your arm with his thumb gently making you turn toward him. 

“Okay.” You whispered, kissing him gently. You climbed off of his lap, taking your time to put your things away. “Should we go eat?” You asked, almost jumping in surprise when you turned around and came face to face with Draco. 

“I brought you some food earlier. Remember?” He asked, pointing to the food that had gone untouched from hours before. You let out a small ‘oh’ looking up at Draco, silently apologizing with the look you gave him. “It’s okay.” He laughed, pulling you closer and kissing you gently.

You both climbed into his bed and you straddled his lap, pulling him in for a deeper kiss than the one before. A hum left you when Draco’s hands made their way down to your butt before giving it a squeeze. When you pulled away your eyes met each others and you couldn’t help but smile.

“Yes?” You asked, rubbing his chest.

“You should get some sleep.” Draco explained, his fingers caressing your arm while he watched your face fall.

“But I’ve barely given you any attention.” You explained, the frown setting in your face.

“You’ve been working too much. You need a break. You need to rest.” Draco explained, stopping you when you opened your mouth to respond. “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened, but you can’t just forget about it by making yourself busy with school. You have to slow down.” He continued, making your jaw clench.

“Okay.” You sighed and stood up already collecting your things. “Good night Draco. I guess I’ll just go rest.” You seethed, shoving everything in your bags not caring if you were putting things in order.

Before he could stop you you stormed out, not looking back while you made it to your room. He was right, but you were never going to admit that. Sure you were trying to avoid feeling sad because of the news you received but that hadn’t meant you were just going to sit around and mope. You opted for the better option, and your grades had never been better. You almost had Hermione beat.

This continued for days and you avoided Draco. That meant that you were also doing a lot more work because you weren’t making time to show Draco how much you loved him. You missed him with you, missed the way he holds you and rubs your back, but you were too stubborn to apologize for the way you were acting.

“Hey!” Draco exclaimed when he found you having a full mental breakdown over the papers you had spread across the library table. “What’s wrong?” Draco asked, placing his hand on your back peering over your shoulder to see your Defense Against the Dark Arts books spread open with a ton of papers scrunched up and flattened out all over the table.

“I have to find something. Leave me alone.” You explained, quickly smacking his hand off your back before you let it rummage through the papers.

“What is it? Let me help you.” Draco explained softly, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“I’m looking for my werewolf notes so I can finish that essay.” You explained, tossing papers to the side while you tried looking for the layout you had written.

“Hey, slow down. That’s not due for another week.” Draco explained, kissing your shoulder gently, pulling you into a tighter hug.

“No, I have to do this first.” You explained almost in a frenzy while you tried to look for the paper in the mess.

“Y/N please!” Draco begged, grabbing you by the wrists and pulling you against him. His heart broke when you saw the look on your face. Your eyes had dark bags under them and your lip was quivering. “Hey shh.” He pulled your head into his chest and you finally let everything go.

“I’m sorry.” You sobbed, gripping his shirt for dear life while he held you.

“It’s going to be okay.” Draco shushed you and played with your hair while he rocked the both of you to calm you down. He felt you go limp in his arms after a while, and your breathing slowed, the weeks of exhaustion and no breaks finally catching up with you. Draco lifted you and cleaned up your things before making his way toward his room to let you sleep on a proper bed.

———————————–

Tag list: Inbox/message me if you’d like to be added (comments sometimes get lost amongst notifications)

@mathletemadison​ @severuslovebot​ @izzytheninja​ @obsessedwithrandomthings​ @jpow345​ @accio-rogers​ @supermassiveblackhope​ @tinylumpiaa​ @siren-queen03​ @chanelwonders​ @crumpets-are-better-with-jam​ @theweasleytwinsgirl​ @jenniweaslee​ @woodenpevensie​​ @dreaming-about-fanfictions​ @imboredandneedalife​ @dogglefoggle​ @alex12948​

[youwontlikethisblog]

She's Ugly!

In a previous post I briefly touch on the subject of Armando and his belief of love. Here I will be going into more detail on my personal experiences as a writer who has written complex OC's with a very similar nature to that of Armando. I will be talking about some pretty heavy topics here so this is your warning if they make you uncomfortable or trigger you.

As a writer you spend most of your time doing research. You don't really spend it writing as more than 75% of the time is dedicated to researching the entirety of your story and it's characters. That means you research on mental health, social behaviors, addictions, learned behavior, coping mechanisms, ect... to create an authentic and realistic character.

When I was doing research for my OC, based on the past I wrote for them I had to look into the consequences that it carried into adulthood. I had to do a lot of research on coping mechanism and seggs addiction(I write really sad characters um but that's besides the point. Also try explaining your search history when you've got tabs and tabs about centers that deal with that addiction and so on).

[Below this I will talk about Seggsual Addiction and such. if it makes you uncomfortable skip to the next [RED]].

Doing that research I found out that many people who do have that addiction often use it as a form of escapism, control, or due to a lot more severe trauma. Sometimes it's just the feeling you get from that. Some have this addiction because of low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and also because it's something they can control, or at the very least in their denial stage they believe that they can.

Seggs Addiction is when someone cannot function without it. When it becomes a problem in that person's life and ruins friendships, relationships, and their professional life. It can range from content watching to actual action of the addiction. This is a serious problem as it often leaves the people feeling helpless, dirty, lowers the quality of life and they feel a lot of shame due to it and it's something that they need professional help to be able to control and overcome, just like drug addiction.

[Now I will be talking about Armando and why this relates to this breakdown. You may proceed.]

Do I believe Armando has that? Not necessarily. I am not a professional so I cannot diagnose someone with that. I just know a lot about the subject because I had to do research on the topic in the past.

Armando is a complex character. The reason I bring this up is because he does show traits of it. Do his affairs get in the way of his professional life? Somewhat. Does it ruin friendships? Yes. Does it ruin relationships? Yes, mainly his.

We know Armando has had an array of women in his life. He is desired by a lot of women(I seriously do however believe that Mario is a s. addict).

I've thought about this part of his character for a while. I really don't know what Fernando Gaitan researched or what inspired him to write Armando's character so this is really just my own personal speculation and is not a fact of the show.

From the start we are told that Armando is a man with refined taste and high standards for his women. The secretaries tells this to Betty, if I'm not mistaken Marcela mentioned it once, and Mario tells him all the time.

A poster here in the tag made a post about the situation of Mario and Aura Maria and they did a really good job at breaking down this side of Armando; that he doesn't have a refined taste or high standards for women but rather he doesn't like involving himself with women who are not in the same social statues and circles as him because of the abuse of power that it entitles.

When he told Mario he wanted to fire Claudia for being crazy Mario reminded him of what he told him when he wanted Armando to fire Aura Maria and because of that Armando decides not to personally fire Claudia, it wasn't until Marcela asked for her head that he asked Hugo to fire her.

Now let me step away from the story and explain why I have this speculation.

Armando's parents aren't very active in his life. They're only there when it comes to the company or his relationship with Marcela(I already talked about his parents in The Art of Subtly in YSBLF post) now imagine that as you're growing up. That your parents aren't actively in your life unless you're achieving or accomplishing something. We know Armando has a sister that doesn't talk to their parents and is only in contact with him. That their mother possibly ruined her marriage to a man because he was poor. This tells us that his parents aren't the best.

A child who grows up having to overcompensate and over achieve grows up with low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, and other problems. They grow up believing that the only way they are worthy of love is by being perfect and they become obsessed with achieving perfection.

Due to this upbringing Armando is a control freak, neurotic, egocentric, and obsessed with perfection. He gets stressed out when things don't go his way. He has grown up in the fashion world and beauty has been fed to him that it is tall, thin, and above all has to be perfect.

A child is a product of their environment.

This has molded Armando into the person he is today.

On top of that Armando basically has his entire life planned out by his parents as a child who grew up hearing about the desire for him to be with Marcela to honor his parents best friends, for the good of the company, ect.

To receive his parents love he must do what his parents tell him, no exceptions. He must be the best at everything so he always aims high. In his proposal to be president he did exactly that.

Ironically Armando too is a people pleaser and feels like he has little to no control over his destiny.

So flings with Models become a form to cope. Though for a long time he enjoys those flings and what it entitles as it makes him feel good about himself, he is able to decide who he has a fling with but then it no longer is that.

My OC's addiction is driven by the desire of feeling wanted and needed. It boost her self-esteem though when it's over with she feels empty and hollow inside and we get a scene of Armando expressing those exact feelings to Mario the night he meets Ms. Colombia.

As they are leaving the cocktail Mario is upset that he[Armando] was leaving because he was so close to closing in on Ms. Colombia being his next conquest and that he couldn't change her for Marcela, who was always going to be there. Armando goes to explain something to him. He tells him that though at first he does get excited over the women and he does want to sleep with them that as soon as it's over he feels nothing anymore, that he doesn't enjoy it anymore.

This is part of a cycle and we see that.

Armando, before Betty, has the idea that if he falls in love it will be with a physically perfect woman who knows where she's standing and the only person that is like that is Marcela. He's got three reasons to marry her: He wanted her vote, his parents, and because she's what is mentioned above.

When Betty is introduce into his life she isn't what he expects in his dream woman. He expects perfection in a physical sense. However Betty has everything he wants in his dream woman in substance and personality.

He knows he likes Betty's personality but because she isn't physically perfect, he believes he isn't interested in her or attracted to her but because he likes her personality so much he believes he's entitled to her which is what drives his jealousy, it is not love.

Armando isn't in love with Betty here or at least not yet.

Betty embodies everything he wants and desires in a woman. She is humble, kind, respectful, unconditional, faithful, smart, like really smart and he likes that about her a lot, submissive and selfless.

However because the package isn't what he thinks is perfect, he cancels out. He denies that he likes her and he denies that he cares about her because of it.

So when Mario suggest for Armando to make Betty fall in love, Armando is apprehensive and disgusted by it.

Let's be honest, Betty isn't ugly! She's adorable! I will fight anyone who disagrees with this. Betty is cute and has always been cute.

I have spoken about Armando's emotional confusion a lot in the past few days but I haven't spoken about the mechanics of the confusion he is dealing with.

Denial is a strong defense mechanism. Subconsciously he has feelings for Betty and is attracted to her because of her personality but consciously he isn't. The mystery of the mind is never ending.

sub·con·scious /səbˈkänSHəs/

adjective of or concerning the part of the mind of which one is not fully aware but which influences one's actions and feelings. "my subconscious fear"

Armando's behavior towards finding out that Betty is in love has been dominated by his subconscious. However when it comes to facing those feelings he enters denial, therefore he cannot fathom the idea of ever being involved with someone so "ugly".

con·scious /ˈkän(t)SHəs/

adjective aware of and responding to one's surroundings; awake.

Armando is aware that Betty isn't his ideal of the type of women he is physically attracted to. He is aware the she isn't the standard of beauty.

Due to this he is refusing to listen to Mario.

Now that we understand this we can continue with the episode breakdown.

After Betty leaves, Armando is upset because Nicolas is the General Manager of Terra Moda(it feeds his paranoia talked about in the Betty, My Betty Part 3 post) .

Once again Armando and Mario switch roles. Armando is now aware of his conscious desires and he's sticking by them. Mario however is aware of Armando's subconscious desires.

Mario tries to level with him. He tells him that they can tell Betty to fire him but Armando rejects that by telling him that he does a good job and that Betty says he's important for Terra Moda, therefore Eco Moda, again this shows that Armando doesn't distrust of them in a professional sense. So they both agree that they shouldn't tell Betty to fire him. Mario first suggested that they reverse the seizure against Eco Moda and Armando goes on to reject that and explain why they can't do that. So Mario tells Armando that they need to think of something because it is a business deal involving them three; Armando, Himself, and Betty.

They agree that asking Betty to fire or take away so much responsibility from Nic could give way to Betty becoming hostile and resentful. Mario tells him that it would also be unfair since she's always been so unconditional with the both, Armando agrees.

We get to divides here. Two sides of the nickel.

Mario's priority and main concern is keeping Eco Moda and Armando as president for what it gives him.

Armando's priority is Betty's love life(Why else would he be so worried about her love life? A normal boss wouldn't care about your love life. Armando knows that Betty is a good and trustworthy employee and he said so himself).

Mario as always watched Armando carefully. The third and best option would have been to simply talk to Betty and be professionals and leave things alone and not doing anything about Betty's love life.

Mario tells Armando "Well the best option is to make Betty fall in love with you."

Armando goes on to say that he would never do that because he doesn't have the desire to and doesn't want to because Betty is ugly(this is why I said what I did above). Mario stops using the fear of losing Eco Moda and goes for the emotional because he knows that it will affect Armando's subconscious that will dominate him like it had been all day long.

"You're the perfect candidate because if it weren't for Nicolas showing up, I could have sworn she was in love with you. No, seriously, look at the way she looks at you, she's always been unconditional with you(he knows this is one of the qualities that Armando likes about Betty as he always lists it). My friend, if there's anyone that is capable of fighting against Nicolas Mora, it's the president of Eco Moda(here he is appealing to Armando's ego)."

What does Mario get out of all of this? Reputation in tact which allows him to continue living his best single life, which he said himself is his most prized possession. So it is important to him that Armando does whatever it takes to keep Betty from doing anything to get a husband(post Betty, My Betty! Part 3).

Fast forward Armando is in Marcela's apartment after the new collection launch and they're fighting because Armando let Betty into the event.

He not only defends his decision of inviting her as his guest but Betty's job and her role in the new collection. Marcela scoffs and they continue to argue.

What captured my attention though is that Armando tells Marcela that she can't be in a competing so absurd with a woman like Betty and shouldn't be in a feminine competition with her.

Armando is now go to the otherside of the room so we get his back as Marcela starts to speak ("You're wrong Armando I don't view her as a woman")and as she says "I am offended that you would think I feel she's a feminine competition-" Armando now looks at her confused.

Either he is confused because he doesn't understand what Marcela is trying to say or once again his subconscious is dominating him here.

The takeaway is that in Armando's mind Betty is a woman, ugly, but a woman nonetheless. He is confused as to why Marcela doesn't view her as a woman but still behaves the way she does.

We again get a classic scene of Betty writing in her diary as we hear her dialogue and get scenes of Armando in Marcela's bed.

We see Armando thinking about what Mario told him earlier that night.

When Mario told him that he would've sworm that Betty was in love with him[Armando] in that scene we didn't really get a reaction from him. He had a poke face but here, as he is thinking about it all he has a different look.

We stop getting a visual flashback, only an auditory one after Mario told him "I could've sworn she was in love with you." and the frame we're getting is Armando's face while laying in bed. He seems hopeful. The exact same expression he had when Betty told him that she didn't have anything with Nicolas.

We hear Mario's voice when he told him "If there's anyone who can fight Nicolas for Betty's love, it's the president of Eco Moda." Armando shifts in bed and covers his face. We then fade to Betty asleep on her bed and get another fade to Armando, this allows us to know that they are about to have another shared dream.

Armando is the mvp of this dream ss the camera focuses on him right away.

He seems happy in this dream as he runs around with Betty in a field with bright green grass and trees. He continues turns to look at Betty or allows Betty to lead him. Then in the dream Betty disappears and Armando is left alone, searching around him with a scared expression on his face until Betty finally appears in front of him. She nears him with her lips slightly puckered and Armando smiles and as well moves in closer until Betty runs away from him again.

The dreams shows us this two more times where Betty runs from him until the final time when Armando finds her and they near for a kiss we then get a real world Armando in bed shaking his head mumbling no, we can assume they are kissing in the dream.

This foretells what is to come. In Betty's eyes this is a good dream but we also know that due to her past Betty is afraid to love again which we're told this by her constant running away from Armando in the dream.

Armando's fear is brought to light in this dream that is of him losing Betty as it reoccurs more than once and each time he goes out to find her. There is times when he does want to kiss her but Betty pulls away and runs and then on the final one he becomes conscious in his dream(yes that happens, it's called lucid dreaming and sometimes it randomly happens).

The fact we kept getting fades from both Armando and Betty sleeping lets us know this was a dream simontainsly happening at the same time and it isn't until after they actually kiss that Armando's conscious starts to wake him up.

Marcela then finishes waking him up in the real world and asks Armando what he was dreaming, he tells her a horrible nightmare.

Again, Armando is aware that he doesn't find Betty to be his ideal perfect woman or the beauty standard. You know, she's "ugly" so having something physical even in a dream is a nightmare to him. The thing to take note of is that he was enjoying the beginning of that dream and it demonstrates his subconscious feelings.

We already Betty loved that dream.

The next morning Marcela mentions that if he doesn't talk about the dream he must secretly want it to come true.

His coping mechanism towards this entire situation has been denial. It protects him from having to face his true feelings and fears. It protects him from something he isn't ready to deal with yet.

He starts choking on his juice and coughing as Marcela watches him.

Marcela telling him this pushes him to face those fears of his, the fear that he does like Betty and that he does care about her more than just his employee however again, he is in denial therefore unable to understand this.

[You know I will write a post about how Aura Maria and Freddy are a parallel of Betty and Armando.]

Neither Betty or Armando talk about their dream to anyone, or at least the real content of said dream, which based on what Marcela insinuated, Armando secretly wants that dream to come true.

This is a fact because later on when Armando has that nightmare of Betty making out with Nicolas inside the new car they got, he tells Marcela about the nightmare or at least some distorted version of it, because he doesn't want that nightmare to come true. This time though he doesn't talk about it.

Betty clarifies the situation between Nicola and her roll in Terra Moda and Armando thanks her for it.

When she goes into her office Armando tells Mario that he's right about making Betty fall in love.

This next scene I already broke down in another post. Armando suggest Mario for the job because he knows that Mario would never fall in love with Betty but at least it would secure the company. However since Mario would never fall in love with Betty that would mean that he wouldn't have competition since you know these two pigs share everything.

Not only that but it would mean that he gets to avoid and deny his feelings without the worry of Nicolas and Betty ending up together and Nicolas turning her against him.

Armando tells Mario that he gets that it's the more logical thing that he[Armando] is the one to make Betty fall in love but that it's not morally correct.

He gets angry as he tells him that he can't do that to her, a woman who has been very special to him, too special towards him. Again this shows that Armando takes notice and likes that Betty treats him the way she does and because of that he doesn't want to hurt her and he knows that she doesn't deserve that.

However Mario then pulls the "your parents will be so disappointed and angry at you if you lose the company. So do you have to decide whether you'll be a rat to your parents or Betty."

As they discuss the sinister plan they solely based the problem in the physicality. As Armando even said himself the only bad thing about the plan was that Betty was ugly. If Betty wasn't ugly Armando wouldn't be afraid to face his feelings therefore be upfront about them.

However because she is it clashes with all his other traits. His ego, vanity, obsession with perfection and the fact he was unable to be in control over who he ends up falling in love with or liking.

I don't know what worse, Armando knowing how selfish the plan is against Betty and still going along with the it for the sake of the company and his unwillingness to admit to his parents that he was wrong or Mario knowing exactly what's going and how to manipulate Armando to do this and not caring about his best friends feelings and the guilt he will carry on as long as Armando remains president for his own greed.

In the next post I will breakdown the scene in which Armando drunkenly confesses somewhat his very confused feelings.

'Til next time :)

Ps. Sorry for all this typos! I'm an insomniac so I usually write these sleep deprived lol.

[swiftgronmasterpost]

Winter 2013 - The Beginning of the End and Dianna’s Private Tumblr

January 4, 2013 - Haylor Breakup

Taylor and Harry publicly split and leave us with this iconic picture:

January 10, 2013 - People’s Choice Awards

Haylor is done, Harry is back in the UK, but Taylor shows up with a hickey anyway.  (Dianna is in LA at this time.)

Some time this month Taylor writes How You Get The Girl which is about obviously someone who comes back to get the girl.  She references “standing in the rain” and “a long six months.”  It’s hard to know if these details are more “fanfic” or actual autobiographical details.

This six months may actually refer to the end of bearding for a while (because it seems like Swiftgron did reunite in Paris in early October.)  Exactly six months after Taylor started dating Conor Kennedy would be January 25th, 2013.

As for the rain...

It rained twice in LA this month according to weather reports on the 21st and on the 23rd:

Dianna is in LA at this point and has started a private Tumblr blog under the name whosirmesir (we verified it was hers over on @swiftgron-get-married - and you can click here for more on that if you’re curious and actually I did an entire podcast episode walking people through it if you’re like like to listen to an in depth breakdown of it click here for apple OR click here for spotify OR click here for google.  

I also recommend searching the whosirmesir tag on @swiftgron-get-married​ because we’ve logged a lot of interesting moments and connections to Taylor (quotes, art, and other items that tie DIanna and Taylor together.)

On the private tumblr on January 25th Dianna reblogs this:

It reads “i think we’re just gonna have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that...”

This is also the time period it is rumored that Dianna proposed to Taylor.  I’m not sure what to make of these rumors.  I have not been able to get anywhere near confirming them.  It’s entirely unsubstantiated - but I explored the rumor further in this blog post (click for link.)  And also on the podcast (will link just a bit down in this post because it relates to something else we’re about to discuss.)

February 4, 2013 - Dianna recommends “Far Nearer” by Jaime on twitter:

The lyrics are essentially:

“I feel better when I, you feel better when I I feel better when I have you near me

You Me You I do, I do, I do“

repeated over and over again

February 9, 2013 - Neruda quote on Tumblr from Dianna

Dianna posts a quote to Tumblr.  The translation is, “I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

It’s worth noting that Taylor namechecked Neruda in the Red album booklet.

February 10, 2013 - The Grammys

Dianna wants to make sure everyone is watching:

And Taylor posts:

“Look what happened! :)”

She won for Safe and Sound:

And she performs her circus themed rendition of WANEGBT (where she mocks Harry Styles on stage making fun of his accent when she sings the “so he calls me up on the phone” part of the song even though this song was written before she was even with him.)

The only other time Dianna tweeted about the Grammys was when Glee was involved the year before.

February 14, 2013 - Achele breakfast and The Inside Source at Glee Tweet

According to a Facebook user Cory, Dianna, and Lea have breakfast this morning (or around this time):

Later that day Taylor posts the infamous tweet:

The Glee Episode “I Do” airs and there is no Taylor song included.  However Dianna and Naya’s characters hook up:

After the episode airs Taylor deletes her tweet.

As always I’m not entirely sure what to make of this but to me it boils down to three possibilities:

1.  The fandom seems to think this proves that Dianna purposefully tricked Taylor into watching her “hook up” with Naya on screen.  It’s completely possible that that’s the case but I think the next two options make a bit more sense.

2.  It was a simple misunderstanding or a joke gone wrong.  Taylor had a song earlier on that season of glee (Mine sung as a breakup song by Naya) and I have been told another song of Taylor’s was marketed for another glee episode later that spring.  Perhaps someone got their wires crossed and misinformed Taylor.  

3.  Other nefarious parties:  

a.  It’s possible that Lea was behind this - she publicly had beef with Taylor at one point and she had been with Dianna that morning.  Maybe she met up with DIanna, heard about Swiftgron being happy and back together and got a little jealous and decided to prank Taylor.  

b.  Ryan Murphy also seemed to despise both Dianna and Taylor around this time.  He was also famous for stirring up drama with Gleeks on twitter and generally sewing discontent (particularly surrounding wlw ships and fans).  Ryan seems to have a problem with women/lesbians in general.  He treated Brittana as a couple horribly on Glee as well as their shippers.

He very publicly shaded Taylor in season one of Scream Queens and said in an interview that Dianna ruined Quinn for him because he said she made her sympathetic. 

Not only that but in season 3 he destroyed her character - he made her have a mental breakdown - he had her try and steal a baby - he had her get hit by a car - and a huge plotline in season 3 was Quinn begging Rachel (Lea’s character so Dianna’s irl ex) not to marry Finn (played by Cory - literally the guy Lea chose Dianna over - this is like...emotionally abusive if you ask me.)  After season 3 Dianna only appeared in 8 episodes of the remaining 55 after being in every episode and the top third billed of the cast in the first three seasons.

Furthermore in a show called The New Normal there was a bitchy actress character named Brynn who he wrote as high maintenance and unpleasant and then killed off.

So yeah...seems fair to at least consider that Ryan or Lea who publicly had problems with both Taylor and Dianna may have been trying to create problems for Swiftgron.  One last note about Lea - there was not a single Achele interaction for the entire year of 2013.  The most we got was Dianna liking a tweet about Lea’s album in December 2013 and when asked about one another in interviews they would vaguely say they were still friends.  No tweets to one another, no birthday messages, no candids, no hang outs.  Lea’s book was also written around this time and does not make a single mention of Dianna - her former roommate and “best friend” even though she spends plenty of time talking about others on the Glee cast.

I did a podcast episode on both the proposal rumors and the inside source at Glee tweet if you want more extensive takes on that!

While I’m not entirely sure Dianna had anything to do with this tweet Taylor references this date (2-14-13) by putting it on a dollar bill as a serial number in The Man music video:

At any rate Taylor deletes the tweet and replaces it with one about her dancers:

Dianna tweets 9 hearts that day (I don’t know if that’s significant but if they were together from March 2012 to July 2012 and then October 2012 to this point it would mean 9 months together...)

February 19, 2013 - Sad Charlie Brown Tumblr post from Dianna:

February 27, 2013 - Fitzgerald quote

Taylor listed this as a quote to live by in an interview with Marie Claire a few months later.

I’m not sure if it’s important but Dianna is very quiet this winter and spring in terms of showing up at events, parties, even being papped out on the street compared to other years around this time.  She seems to disappear a bit.

February 27, 2013 - Taylor gives a bday shoutout to her Fiddle player Caitlin:

“Happy Birthday to my magical friend, fiddle extraordinaire @/caitlinbird” 

March 12, 2013 - Weird tweets from Dianna “One of those days.”

March 13, 2013 - It’s the first day of the Red tour (is that why Dianna had questions?)

About the Red Tour - the last act of the tour seems to be circus themed which may have been inspired by Dianna’s 26th birthday the previous year and really interestingly Taylor has a white rabbit, which is a reference to Alice in Wonderland (Dianna’s favorite piece of media ever) follows Taylor around stage during the WANEGBT performance as she’s dressed up like a circus ringleader:

March 18, 2013 - Dianna goes on a Girls HBO rant (we know who also loved Girls the show and its creator Lena Dunham (Taylor))

End of March - Lena and Ashley show up at the Red Tour backstage

Conclusion - Swiftgron is on but completely underground.  Dianna is blogging and tweeting romantic things about missing girls, Taylor’s interests, and secret love, all while watching Taylor perform at the Grammys and encouraging others to tune in.  Something weird happened with the inside source at Glee tweet but who knows what.  Dianna seems a bit restless and emo while Taylor leaves to go on tour.

Click here to keep reading!

[kelieah]

had another breakdown last night, here’s what i learned...

one. let it all out babe. it’s okay to cry. it’s okay to be vulnerable.

two. confide. talk to people, if that’s what you’re comfortable with. for most, it’s a lot more helpful than you think. or confide in your journal, express yourself through writing, art, or whatever you feel is right for you.

three. even in your lowest times, try your best to affirm yourself. the first thing i do when i have breakdowns like these, i tell myself, “everything’s going to be okay. i’m going to be okay. it’s going to be okay.” positive thinking can get you far, but some may think otherwise but that’s what i believe based on personal experience.

four. be forgiving. not only to those who may have wronged you, but yourself. you’re human. you make mistakes and you’re going to continue to make mistakes. it’s up to you whether you’re going to take something and learn from it or not. 

five. take a break from social media if you can’t handle it. i realize now that i haven’t been in a great mental or physical state, and managing a blog through it all wasn’t the greatest. i was or am vulnerable, and insecurities have the upperhand. but you can fight back, ultimately it’s up to you whether or not you should take breaks and such, but you definitely should from time to time.

six. this is mainly for tumblr, but what i’ve learned is the less active i am the more dead my account is. basic logic right? i let my insecurities get to me and blind me, “my fics are shit and boring”, “no one likes to talk to me”, “i’m a huge problem”, etc etc etc. which isn’t true at all, i hope haha. but i was able to realize that i’m here because i love to write, and i want to help people in any way that i can. it’s okay if my blog gets quiet from time to time, it would especially with how inactive i’ve been.

seven. honestly this should’ve been number one but even i tend to forget to this a lot which is, put yourself first. of course this doesn’t mean be selfish, but i realize i need to start taking care of myself before others. because i have the horrible habit of putting everyone first, always. but now, i’m going to try my best to give myself some time, treat myself with kindness and, honestly, treat myself like how i’ve treated others.

eight. the order of these things have no correlation to it’s value so don’t mind it lol. lastly, another thing i learned is not to please everybody. not to live up to everyone’s expectations of you. because man fuck what everyone else thinks of you. you WILL lose yourself, because you should be focusing on how to be YOU. not what others think of you. you won’t get along with everyone, and that’s okay. you won’t be friends with everyone, and that’s okay. there is absolutely no point in being someone you’re not for someone else, because if someone doesn’t like you for who you are they are not worth your time or effort. some things just don’t work out, some people just don’t work out and you should never bend your back over and twist yourself around just to please someone else, just to maintain a friendship with someone else. stay true to yourself, and even if you’re lost with who you are, you will find yourself. i may have repeated myself a lot, i apologize for that.

thank you, if you stuck to the end and read what i’ve learned. i hoped i helped a bit or at least gave you a new perspective. lots of love, and thank you to everyone who reached out and was there for me last night. thank you.

tagging who those people were and other beautiful mutuals.

@eusuntgroot @asonofpeter @waitimcomingtoo @greenorangevioletgrass @ethereal-beauty-p @veryholland @ehggowo @silentlypsychedelic @hollands-weasley @peterbenjiparker @spideysquackson13 @spidernerdsblog @spideyspeaches @ptersmj @ameelia @felicitysmoakk @toms-gf @rosyparkers @mauvesdior @pparkeramorr @icyhollands @theamazingtomholland @fallinfortom @t-lostinworlds @duskholland @marvelouspeterparker @tommysparker @stars-aligning @musicalkeys @geminiparkers @marvelinsanity @allyz @hermayone @beverlyparkerr @allegra-soleil @tombrina-archive @mind-with-a-melody @mauvesdior

[causticsunshine]

i was tagged by both the lovely @dyingstars-x and @harrymegirlfriend to answer twenty questions about myself! this was a lot more candid than i anticipated but here we go~

💗what do you prefer to be called name-wise?

alex!

💗when is your birthday?

july 21st! cancer season baybee

💗where do you live?

in the US! i've been in the pacific northwest for about eight years but i'm definitely still a californian at heart

💗three things you’re doing right now?

1. jobhunting 2. trying to open my online shop 3. attempting™️ to finish deadline stuff and this HSLOT drawing i've been working on since saturday 🤞🤞

💗four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

i go through little phases where i have my one big primary interest—one dee since returning to it last summer—that sticks around for awhile and then some smaller, less involved ones that tend to come and go, so i'd say right now the only other 'fandom' i'm kinda in is for MDZ/the untamed/cql, even though i'm a very late member to the party!

💗how is the pandemic treating you?

okay i guess? i'd really like to be moved out already as being in therapy and gaining confidence since my big mental breakdown last fall—accompanied with quitting my job of nearly four years that didn't get me anywhere in life—i've realized how many unhealthy behaviors and mindsets are perpetuated in my household and how they're....really not good for me at all. but i also know i can't get to the place i'd like to be mentally and emotionally without moving out, i also can't move out until i find a 9-5 with bennies with all my health problems + me losing my insurance in the new year so it's been....a time.

buuuut besides the soul crushing terror of being an adult living at home with people who don't understand you, i'm confident now and a lot of my mindsets have changed to healthier ones and i've regained my love of art and being creative?

💗song you can’t stop listening to right now?

it's a combination of 'i wish i never met you' by loote, 'crowd' by sophie cates, and...... 'stay' by the kid laroi + justin bieber (although i think that one's just an earworm i need to work out lmao)

💗recommend a movie

i just got to rewatch 'cowboy bebop: the movie' and it's sooo fun....(spoilers) i know the ending of the anime is supposed to be purposefully open as it just covers a section of time in the characters' lives where they're all together but i kinda wish i'd watched the movie after as opposed to when it takes place because it's a little bit...of a nicer (and much clearer) wrap up!

💗how old are you?

twenty five 🧓

💗school, university, occupation, other?

currently jobhunting for a Boring grown up job just for some regularity and insurance (and $$ to get my ass OUT) but i want to take on freelance commission work again too! i dropped out of uni in like 2018 because the school i was going to kept fucking me over with credits just to get my associate's but maybe i'll go back one day.....maybe.....

💗do you prefer hot or cold?

HOT only because it's so gd cold and wet where i live now and even when the summers are warm they're super short and don't compensate for the months i spend not moving out of arthritis pain and freezing my ass off

💗name one fact others may not know about you.

i always come up with fun ones when i don't have any reason to share them lmao but i guess.....staying on-brand with 1d stuff, and i might've said this before, but louis gave me my first bout of gender envy that i recognized as actual gender envy when i was like, fifteen? and as i was coming out of my obvious emo phase into one more subdued, i totally dressed like twink louis for almost a year....haircut and everything....

if i can find the one photo i'm thinking of i'll post it but until then use your imagination sjkgdf

💗are you shy?

i can be? i think once i vibe with someone enough it becomes easy to talk to and open up to them but before that i can be pretty closed off and a bit impersonal.

💗do you have any preferred pronouns?

they/them!

💗any pet peeves?

i'm one of those 'people talking or random noise being made near me while i'm trying to concentrate on something fuels my murder response out of nowhere' people but otherwise...outside of common courtesy/manners stuff being ignore, i don't think so? although i genuinely hate when people walk right behind me or right in front of me...shit makes me anxious and ticks me off dfjkngdf i got shit to do!!

💗what’s your favourite “dere” type?

am i boring if i say tsundere just because it's relatable? although dorodere is kinda fun in the right setting....i love a good character twist!

💗rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

i'd say a 5? there's a lot more i want to do and achieve and things i know i could have right now if my ADHD and anxiety didn't still have such a death grip on me but i'm also in the best headspace i've been in in years so i'll take that as a win!

💗what’s your main blog?

this one!

💗list your side blogs and what they’re used for.

swmpwxtch is my art-only blog because i'm slow at finishing things and know there's no point trying to make this an 'art blog' when i reblog so much, and then prickelndauge is my insp blog (so if you're wondering why there's a startling lack of fashion and art on this blog, it's mostly over there!), then i have one for creepy/spooky stuff (bonepickng) because i know not a lot of people want to see that on main, aaaaand am-ref a ref blog for art tips, life things, donation pools, etc.! (and some old urls i have saved)

💗is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

at the risk of sounding like a YA protagonist: my heart is full of love and i try to be as understanding and open as i can be but i also have a very short bullshit fuse, so while i'm still happily understanding of certain behaviors and mindsets, if you cross the line that i put very bluntly in the sand, you're not crossing back over.

(ie i love my friends but don't be a dick and if you are you get one warning and that's all <3)

uhhh i know a lot of people got tagged already and have done this so! i'll be tagging @grimmpitch @hershelsue @niallnailme @dragmedown @ialwaysknewyouwerepunk @justmehernthemoon @non-binharry @genius0flove @mamaharry @theymetinthetoihlet @saintqueer and uhhh anyone else that would like to!! and if you've done this already please ignore me~

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

Couch Chats

A/N: Right, so I started writing this a month or so back. I stuck a pin in it because I had a whole mental breakdown (tm). And had to get to a space where I didn’t feel like shit day-to-day. Yes, I am in fact therapizing myself through my OC, using my favorite character. I’m doing better. I also promise I’ll start the full BNHA series, I just gotta finish the first chapter.

Tag List: @super-predictable98, @myherokatsuki​

Juniper walked into Art History class, the last one of the day, looking a lot less enthusiastic than usual. She was usually first into the class, notes open, pencil in hand, ready to write down anything. Today, however, she trudged in with everyone else, slumping into her seat. Midnight took note of JJ, and put a mental pin in it, and started her class.

“Today, we’re going to be talking about Surrealism, and its impact during its time, as well as how it has influenced art of this day and age. Does anyone want to tell me what surrealism is?” she asked, looking at her students.

“Not even you, Juniper?” Midnight prompted, looking tenderly towards one of her prized pupils.

“Uh, yeah sorry... Surrealism is a type of art that some artists began using after World War I, it helped them to express what was on their mind in a non-realistic way.” they replied, still looking down.

“Very good. Now we’ll be getting into the key artists who used surrealism as well-.” her voice faded out.

  JJ zoned out for the rest of the class, only writing down a page worth of notes, compared to her usual 4 or 5. “I can just ask Midoriya for the rest of them back in the dorms.” Everything was on her mind, and the constant pestering of “He’ll probably be fucking disgusted with me.” “Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?” plagued their mind. It was until Mina tapped her on the shoulder, signaling that class had ended, and the sound of Iida’s hand chopping through the air, warning everyone not to run in the halls, that she woke up from her hellscape of a mind.

“Come on JJ, class is over! We’re having a movie night in the dorms tonight too, remember?” she cheered, a smile on her face.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I’ll be there in a jiffy.” they mumbled, Mina tilting her head at their choice of expression “another one of those random ass phrases”. 

  Juniper slowly packed their stuff up, rubbing their hands on their face. She glanced outside for a moment, At least the sun is out. They thought, knees cracking as they stood up. Midnight was at her desk, typing something out on her laptop. Just as they were walking out of the door, she spoke.

“JJ, dear, could you come here for a second.” they turned around and stood in front of her desk. “You’re not in trouble. You just seemed really down today, and I know that you’re usually really enthusiastic in my class. Is there something going on?” she asked, looking up.

“Are you sure you want to hear about it? I don’t want to be a bother or anything.” they asked, thumb fraying the handle of their bag.

“I’m sure. If you don’t want to talk about it here, you can come to my office, or I can come to the dorms and we can chat there. I can give you some time to get the school stuff off and get anybody out of the common area.” she offered, closing her laptop.

“The dorms work better. I’ll be ready in about an hour.” they muttered, a hint of a grin coming onto their face.

  Juniper practically ran out of the doors of the campus, wind carrying them along. They panicked a bit because everyone may have already been in the common room for the movie “It’s literally 4PM, everyone is either napping or in their rooms de-compressing.” Okay, it’s game time, they thought as they reached the doors, shaking any extra leaves off.

“Hey JJ, you alright?” Mina asked, sitting on the kitchen counter, snack in hand.

“Kinda. Midnight’s supposed to be coming over in like 55 minutes or so to talk with me, so if you could get everyone out of the common room, that’d be good. It’s my turn to bake anyways, so those can be your payment for helping me.” she offered, smirking at their close friend.

“Fine. They better be chocolate chip.” she replied, shooting a text to the class group chat.

  Juniper took a quick shower before throwing a hoodie on, and tackling her homework headfirst.

  Before they knew it, there was a hefty knock on the door, followed by a “Hey dumbass, your therapist is here!” Juniper almost tripped over their bed, and sped down the hallway, taking a fleeting glance at Denki’s room.

“Ah, Juniper, you’re here.” Midnight praised, her hero attire gone, replaced by a knit sweater and leggings.

  They smiled, and took a seat next to her, feet tucked behind one of the cushions.

“So...what’s been bothering you?” she asked, folding her hands over her lap.

“I’ve just been very frustrated recently. After the USJ attacks, I just feel like I can’t breathe. Bad things keep happening, and they don’t stop happening. I can’t sleep well most nights because of my quirk, so I’m asleep during class and missing material. And even when I’m wide awake, nothing clicks in my brain. It’s just fog. I’ve tried countless types of studying and tricks, but none of it works. I’m only good at English and your class.” they muttered, picking at their hands.

“But those won’t help me if I’m fighting a very, very specific type of villain. If I overuse my quirk, I’m a shell of a person. If I train too hard, oops, every part of my body is aching, and it’s not like I can sleep that off. And on top of all of that, my sexuality just changed. Out of nowhere. So I’m grappling with being even more out of the loop. I just feel so....lost. And tired. And angry.”

“That’s a lot. I just want to say, up front. You’re a great student. And you have an amazing heart. I understand that everything’s been stressful. You were on the frontlines of the defense team at the USJ attack. You didn’t have to risk your life, yet you jumped into action. And yes, you walked away hurt and traumatized. I wish I could take it away, I do. You all are kids training to be heroes. Not risking your lives by attending schools.” she readjusted herself, tucking her knees under her body.

“I’m proud of you for telling me that you’re ace though. It sometimes takes a lot to be able to tell someone that. And it’s also stressful to have a sudden change in something you were sure of.” she grabs JJ’s hands, and looks into her eyes. 

 “It doesn’t make you any less valid, or queer. You aren’t a liar for having your feelings change. I need you to know that, and truly understand it. You’ve got this, I know you do. And I know everything is hard. School is more than difficult. But you can do this. I know you can. And I know I’m not supposed to say it, but....you’re one of my favorites.” Midnight whispers, patting JJ’s shoulder.

   From around the corner, JJ hears footsteps. She sees a patch of pink hair, and more hushed whispers.

                                                    CRACK

“Mina, I thought everyone was supposed to be in their rooms until I gave the all clear.”

  Mina gets pushed to the ground, from someone out of Juniper’s sight, but based on the sleeve....it was probably Denki.

“I know! I’m sorry. Bakugou got hungry, and then he got cranky. I was trying to hold him back.” she apologized, bowing.

  JJ lets out a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. She felt a very strong urge to start a thunderstorm.

“I promise.. you got this kid. You’ll be okay.”

  Bakugou finally stormed out of the hallway, yanking the kitchen cabinets open with a grunt. Kirishima followed closely, shyly waving at Midnight and JJ.

“Well, I guess I’m done here! I wouldn’t want to stay too long, especially since it’s a Friday night! You kids have fun!” Midnight says awkwardly, standing from the couch, knees cracking.

 JJ gives her one final smile before she leaves, and turns to be greeted by Midoriya, who gave her an unexpected bear hug. They melted into it, face snuggling in his neck. God he smells good.

“I know you’ve been feeling not great. And it looked like you needed a hug. And since you didn’t shock or burn me, I’m assuming that you’re okay with me doing that.” he muttered into their shoulder, thumbs fiddling with each other.

“Thanks Midoriya. I appreciate it.” JJ admits, although slightly muffled. Her eyes threatened to tear up as Midoriya when he squeezed them tighter, letting out a deep breath.

“Oh, uh....you can call me Izuku. I’m okay with you calling me that.” he whispered, breaking the hug.

“Hmm....Izuku it is.”

                                               ~Later that night~

“I TOLD YOU IT WAS TIME TO TAKE THEM OUT DUMBASS.” Bakugou shouted, hands popping off.

“DON’T YOU RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME, YOU LOW-RENT EXCUSE OF A FIRECRACKER!” JJ shouted back, raising a cast iron skillet above their head.

“Okay, time out, both of you.” Iida said, bringing out the tiny chairs the dorms offered.

“We all might need to pick up a job.” JJ muttered, taking a bite out of an apple, still sitting in the chair.

“Why makes you say that, Juniper, hmm?” Midoriya teased, poking their shoulder.

“To cover his funeral expenses.”

Masterlist

[sibyl-of-space]

Lots of feelings and thoughts under readmore, but for those who don’t want to read it: if you are on here reading this and you ALSO have a DeviantArt you still use (even if it’s very sparingly) that you’d be willing to share with me, can you shoot a DM? I’ve decided to rekindle my old account for a lot of reasons. Or at least try it out.

It’s similar to the reason I came back to Tumblr and the reason I made my own shitty hand-coded HTML disaster website. We’re all feeling it: how shitty the internet is now. I’m trying out a lot of different approaches to find a healthier relationship to communities, and being an artist and a person on the internet.

I basically had a breakdown this weekend over probably the stupidest possible thing that made me really look at myself and what I’m doing. Or... trying to do. What the hell I’m trying to accomplish.

Because I made that OoT Link amiibo I was so proud of, and I AM SO HAPPY WITH IT. I mean, I literally made it because I like playing OoT with the Zora Tunic and Hover Boots on, so I made a figure FOR ME based on MY TASTES. And it came out SO GOOD I literally could not be happier. And I posted it, and all of my friends were like “Leo that is so cool holy shit.” Which sounds like... the perfect outcome, right?

Except my brain has been fried by Number Go Up and I just felt this emptiness and dread, and I came to a really uncomfortable and disturbing realization as to why.

Like, a lot of shit I post is kind of intentionally for the niche-est of niche audiences, so I kind of expect 99% of my content to get 3 likes from my close friends and that’s about it, as it should be. But... I think, because for once I was actually posting about something that more than 8 people in the universe care about, and (in my opinion) I made something of pretty damn good quality, I had this expectation that I’d... go fucking viral or something.

(I really, really think my couple years being addicted - and I do mean addicted in the unhealthy brain-destroying sense - to Reddit is largely to blame for this. My Yggdrasill ToS cosplay was at one point the highest voted post on the Tales of subreddit; it was easy to feel like a micro-celebrity of sorts with that kind of reaction. Quitting Reddit was legitimately the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health but it kind of permanently altered my expectations for either Immediate and Immense Approval And Worship, or worthlessness.)

So even though I made something that was supposed to be self-indulgent, and the people whose opinions I care about all gave me glowing positive feedback, I was disappointed because I posted something that Could Be Popular and it wasn’t. And I just kind of sat with that for a second and thought back to posting really shitty fanart in middle school and having a circle of online friends who were also shitty learning artists and we would just talk about video games and draw together and... well I kind of just wondered where the hell it went wrong.

When did I start performing for an imaginary audience of strangers so often, so frequently, and so intensely that it soured my ability to be happy with one of the straight up coolest things I’ve made recently??

And the thing is... well, as far as spaces to share art, what I currently have is...

* Twitter, where there is nothing even close to an archive of past art and everything is just instant snapshots soon to be forgotten * Tumblr, where the site-wide search functions are a hot mess and I feel like I’m competing with 50% the fact that no one can find anything and 50% Mona Lisas on display everywhere under the same tags I’m using * Instagram, which somehow has both the “instantaneous snapshots and then it’s worthless” problem AND the “everything I post is competing with professionals” problem (and not just professionals at the art form, but professionals at SOCIAL MEDIA - because curating your art for interaction on social media is its own whole thing) * Discord but I’ll be real there’s baggage there I’m too exhausted to get into right now. There are some promising spaces though for community, but there is absolutely no form of archive or way to look back on personal growth * My website, which is the only space that feels right for how I want my art to be experienced, but also is completely lacking the community aspect.

So, I looked at my old DeviantArt account. I KNOW about the whole f*cking disk horse with eneftitties and I hate it so much and I’m not even going into it. But my old DeviantArt account has shit I posted in 2012 on there, shit I posted in 2008 on there, and has space for journals and groups and fanfiction and interacting with other users while also centering (or at least, it seems to me) art.

And it’s just about the only space that has felt like that, honestly. Where I can be an artist and a person, post things I like with a little story under them under whatever dimensions, even SLIGHTLY customize my landing page, join little communities of like-minded people.

I logged in and, well unsurprisingly it’s a ghost town and only like 1 person I “Watched” a billion years ago still posts. But then I turned on full FFIX brain and went to search for pictures of Freya Crescent, and in an experience I haven’t had on any other goddamn website in as long as I can remember, I received A HUGE VARIETY OF PICTURES OF EXACTLY THAT, from dates as recent as the past couple years to literally over 15 years ago. Very rough amateurish MS paint drawings showed up right next to professional quality polished pieces and they were all what I was searching for.

Like, holy fuck, HOW fucked is it that THAT experience - searching for a topic on an art site, and seeing that topic, ONLY that topic, and a huge variety of results in it - is so rare that it stopped me in my tracks?

But, like, it’s obviously sad too. It’s sad clicking through the banners of all the old groups I joined and seeing the last posts from like 2014. It’s sad that part of the reason it’s easy to find old drawings of Freya Crescent is because next to nobody has uploaded any in the past 5 years. It’s sad that eneftitties are fucking artists over so bad a lot of them jumped ship in protest, and it’s sad that I feel like I’m engaging with a side of this site that stopped really being alive 10 years ago.

But I’m giving it a try anyway. Because GOD I just want to have a place to share art that isn’t a competition and isn’t polished and professional and beautiful and might let me make and maintain friendships that I actually care about. I’m not trying to compete with pros here I’m just trying to post my things and be myself and have people who might like it be able to find it, so I can find them too. Maybe I want to join an FFIX fan club group and look at a billion pictures of Zidane and Garnet. WHO IS TO SAY.

Anyway.... this is 70% vent post, 30% desperate plea if any of you are on DA to hit me up and let me know what your username is because I would love to log in and see people I know and care about and get excited about what they’re making, instead of just seeing empty long-dead long-abandoned accounts and wondering what those people are up to.