#I’m just dealing with a lot of burnout from work and other stupid shit there.

[toxicrevolver]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers (ू•‧̫•ू⑅)♡

Why do I always find these so hard to answer. It’s not fair. Thanks mental illness.

1) finding new music that I enjoy

2) reading fanfic (even if it also gives me every other emotion under the sun)

3) when it rains (I live in Texas and it’s hella dry. I also have severe pollen and basically plant allergies in general. Rain solves a lot of those issues but it rarely ever rains)

4) my cat son. He’s orange and not very bright. (Maybe one day I’ll post a pic of him.)

5) interacting with my mutuals/online peeps! I’ve been pretty inactive here lately bcs busy/depression, but even just quiet scrolling on here for a few minutes and seeing everyone active and excited for things is nice. It makes me hopeful that things get better still.

[sygneth]

I am not even sure if I will be posting this (though, if you're reading this, I did), but, nevertheless, I have a few points about Jean that I have to make. He is no saint. He is an asshole and I’m not gonna pretend that he is not. But there is so much more to it. 

Let me start with the most obvious. He is said to have clinically diagnosed depression, with, apparently, no distinctive source, and, from what he says, we may assume he is under some sort of psychiatric supervision. 

He was diagnosed seven years ago. Diagnosed with depression, which probably means he’s been dealing with it for a good while longer, only at a certain moment he decided to seek help/had an attempt/any other circumstance that lead this man to get a diagnosis. He is now 34, seven years earlier he’d be 27. 

The reasons for such unspecified depression may be many, from some kind of a rare neurological defect causing one’s brain to be incapable of properly producing/transmitting/I’m-not-a-biologist-neither-is-English-my-first-language-so-I’m-not-gonna-dig-into-neurological-dysfunctions-further-but-you-get-the-point, serotonin, through a burnout, all the way to having other, undiagnosed disorders/illnesses as *checks Luiga’s tweets* Schizoid PD (I am not convinced that what Jean presents is a 100% textbook SPD example, rather SPD traits/behavior patterns? But I’m no specialist and even if I were, it’s hard to diagnose someone based on those few dialogue lines) and codependency tendencies. The doctors didn’t diagnose any other disorder, or at least he never mentions it, but looking at the world of Elysium, those disorders may not yet have been widely recognized, especially if not presenting themselves in the most typical ways/high-functioning. And Jean tends to be high functioning despite his issues. Yet, I assume that in Elysium, and Jamrock especially, the access and quality of psychological and psychiatric services are poor and probably limited. Not to mention education on the matter, which is probably low if not near none. (Just looking at how is alcoholism treated by *everyone* there, or the short mention of McCoy’s brother gives me a good 90’s/early 00s Eastern Europe vibe of mental issues/disabilities public awareness.)  Now, keep that in mind. 

Alright. Next up: a codependent, close relationship with an alcoholic. 

Jean’s relationship with Harry is an interesting one. I found this interesting research on codependency among spouses of alcoholics, that states codependency is related to, among others, SPD traits. (That’s an, uh, disclaimer? I was just curious how that two may coexist, but apparently, they do.) 

Back to the main thought. 

As someone who has been in a close, codependent relationship with a person who had problems with drinking, I can tell you something. It’s more than hard to get out of one. You see a person you care about do stupid, drunken, dangerous shit, you may be angry at them, you may be furious, yet you will still feel responsible for them in a way, and you will take that responsibility and try to get them out of the shit they got themselves into. I’ll say more, if that’s an actual relationship, you will feel social pressure that you are responsible for your partner’s behavior and you’re the one to take care of them. If it’s your work partner, then it’s highly probable you actually will be held responsible for their behavior, so you’re even more likely to clean up their mess. And when you help them out, because you care, because you feel like you should, because you don’t want to be “dicked” for it, maybe all of the above, they will be grateful and they will praise you and love you and even if you feel like this is not the right thing to do, you will do it again.

It takes a lot of work and self-awareness to get out of something like that healthily. And if you have some psychological knowledge, it also helps a lot, to understand how to deal with it. And the only way to do it, regardless healthy or not, is by setting boundaries. If you can healthily set them, and make the other person respect them, that’s very good. But if you have some other mental issues in addition to that, if you lack knowledge on how people’s behavior patterns work, on how exactly addictions work and that, you are maybe having some problems with generally understanding relationships between people, how and why they work, it’s very likely that you won’t be capable of setting those boundaries and enforce them to be respected. It’s very likely that one day, when something will happen and you will realize how toxic and unhealthy this relationship is for you, you will panic and you will start to do anything to get out of it, like a cat drowning in a well. That you will start acting cold, maybe even merciless from a certain perspective, maybe you won’t let yourself believe in their pleading and assurances of change, because you will know that letting yourself *feel* sympathy for the person you had this relationship with may lead to spiraling back into the wheel of codependency. Maybe you have already tried this, and letting yourself trust them only led you back to the point where you started and maybe this time, you don’t want it to end up this way.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with trying to ensure your mental well-being. “Before approaching the casualty, always make sure the area is safe.” YES because if you’ll get hurt trying to help somebody, there will be one more person to help. The same applies to helping people get their life together. If you won’t have a good mindset to help them, if they will only drag you down, maybe the area isn’t safe? 

Moving on. 

Now, remember when I said that the level of social and psychological awareness seems very low in Elysium/Revachol/Jamrock? About that. 

You know what else I see, looking at the Harry-Jean-Dora-Kim situation? A bunch of people with self-awareness in terms of emotion, and emotional development of teenagers, but problems of grown-up people. And they are not to blame, the system is to blame. Harry seems to be very self-conscious and connected to his emotions, yet for six years he couldn’t find a healthy way to get over a heartbreak. He has tendencies to act violently, to randomly drunk-phone his ex to harass her (I mean come on, he was asking her if she is naked), not to mention a tone of other things. 

What happens here to Jean, is his situationship/best friend, whom yeah, he decided to ‘have a break’ with, immediately gets over it, and starts to go out with someone else. Taking, that this man has probably understanding of his emotions on a level of a high-schooler, he WILL be salty. He will be mad at Harry and he will be salty towards Kim when he sees them in Whirling. (Not to mention that it’s probably how they just roll in the precinct, and I’m quite sure that Harry’s and Jean’s relationship has been japing on and teasing each other, and as long as they both knew how it works, it was all good, compare: this post. So yes, Jean will be angry with Harry and he will act like an offended drama queen partially because that is just how their relationship dynamics probably looked like for the last two (at least!) years, and partially because he is an offended 16-year-old drama queen, whose bestie told her to fuck off and found a new (boy)friend. 

Is it good, that grown-up men have the emotional capabilities of high schoolers? No. Should we blame them, or the fact that their system seemingly doesn’t provide any prevention, doesn’t promote awareness, or offer any proper healthcare for that matter? I’ll leave that to you.

To add to all this, yes, the RCM’s fucked up system, hierarchy, and mentality don’t help. Yes, it would be better for both Harry and Jean and probably Kim too, taking for his PTSD, to get the fuck out of there and live peaceful lives. But you know, changing your whole lifestyle isn’t easy. Understanding that maybe it’s better to leave now and that it doesn’t mean you’ve “wasted” your years is a process, a long and hard one. I had to learn this. My close ones had to learn this. Some of them still didn’t, especially, that where I come from, there is this CEE culture of not letting yourself fail with peace of mind. You got to do everything the best you can, you gotta do it 120%, and if not, you’re a rotten piece of shit. Looking at how Harry treats himself, Revachol seems to have this in common with Central-Eastern Europe as well. 

Another thing, we don’t even know what Kim or Jean did before they joined the RCM, and Harry was a gym teacher. Thinking that it is easy to just switch your job in, again, a place with a CEE mentality, is a huge mistake. At the age of 40-odd years especially. In the 90s, especially. We don’t even know if Jean or Kim have any other education on their account, besides being cops, so changing professions would mean additional education, and for Harry, how many places, realistically, would take in a 45-year-old gym teacher?

I generally see that many people seem to forget/not understand how CE European mentality works, and it shows. I am glad that we live in a world where awareness of things such as homophobia, ableism, misogyny and else is common knowledge. But it wasn’t here, not even those 15 years ago. I remember people using names of dysfunctions and disabilities as slurs. Grown up people. I remember my classmates and my friend calling each other faggots or laughing at each other for not being gender-affirmative enough. Half of us turned out to be queer, and nobody had a problem with that, because in those times this kind of language wasn’t necessarily indicating someone’s worldview, it was just a bad habit, a very common one. I am more than happy, really, that we got rid of this kind of narrative and are more aware of the weight of a spoken word now. But when talking about past or settings that resemble this past, let’s please not forget that it DID look different and take that into consideration. Please. 

Remembering what we derived from and what a great progress as a society we did is important, as it shows the way we managed to walk, but also reminds us of what people had to deal with. And is a warning, because now we’re probably still all doing things that in 30 years will be so, so wrong. 

So concluding this ridiculously long consciousness stream, I love you, DE fandom. Now, I have an interview to watch (probably not anymore) and a comic page to draw (as always). I’ll leave you with this here.

[randomshipperhere]

Space with Markiplier Stream on MiltonTPike1’s twitch channel summary

I really thought the stream was gonna be Stan coming back when I heard the announcement yesterday 🥲🥲

Minor spoilers for part 2 will start with a ⚠️ and when I say minor, they really are minor. So much so it’s negligible info but it does give you a tiny bit more heads up

(most of them I wrote while watching, I just made it comprehensible enough)

Mark arrives somewhere in the 3 hour mark of the stream.

First topic. How to deal with burnout. Solid advice and discussion

Unus Annus and the meaning of it

Bitch I’m crying I miss that channel. RIP

Memento Mori

[Talking about the endings of ISWM PT.1] Yeah sure, Mark… there’s a lot of endings

No spoilers 🥺 awww come on Mark. Just a little pleaaaseee

Messing with your audience and how fun it is

[chat reaction] D:

I mean considering our relationship with Mark, we do love this back and forth.

Milton talking about Jerma’s Dollhouse </3

A few stories about the BTS

50-60 crew members a day. Holy shit.

In their busiest day there were 20 actors on set. Sheeesh.

Milton has a commercial story. I feel bad because man, even finishing a meal is hard. Having to eat the same thing for retakes sounds like hell.

Mark went over budget a lot during the filming. Interesting.

Last sound session happened last week.

⚠️“-last scene in the show” 🧐 minor spoiler? Kinda hard to tell if this means there’s only one ending or it’s like AHWM where there’s a true end.

Japanese Breakfast Club “Paprika”. I’ll give it a listen after. I’m not even sure if I spelt that right.

No F*p November 🤨 Mark??? Someone take his mouth away lol

Milton made a UFO 5 hour stream. Man

Mark and Amy loving video essays.

Habo Hotel…? huh???

Mark loves space but found that it really is expensive to make a space related production even when others already said so beforehand 😅

Industry calls write/director/actor people pompous douchebags. Good on you Mark lol

Isn’t that also Actor tho…

No one in the crew knew what the fuck was happening until the very end but trusted Mark enough. It also helped that a lot of them already understood Mark’s crazy process because they were in Heist before.

Space is the next thing for humanity

back to back movie night last night with Mark and Amy. Moonfall and After Earth.

Disonsphere??? hah?

UFO stuff

[chat reaction] Among us and Sus

ball lightning? red balls. Alien going wtf at nukes

Earth speed running any%

I seriously love the jokes in this part of the stream

Humans are just like the Orcs from Warhammer. You heard it here folks

I love the unga bunga human stories

Mark mentions Corridor Crew yet again

AI and the future

All I could think of was vocaloid

Mass Effect 3 mention

Milton has 5 space questions

[chat reaction] Wee Woo borpa spins

I knew about that gravity can create waves but wait black holes don’t succ??

Mark is very knowledgeable about space

He still loves kurzgesagt

Interstellar vs Inception

Mark likes Inception better (he still loves Interstellar tho)

I have not watched either movies (: I actually don’t watch a lot of movies you guys. Last I watched was Spider-Man: NWH

Mark would watch Ratatouille over a million times but How the Grinch stole Christmas (Jim Carrey) is his favorite movie

Any future plans?

Mark just wants to focus on youtube again 🥰 We miss you too

Once again the Pokemon smash or pass vid gets a mention but the backstory is much shorter here compared to the stream with Jack.

MEOW mocks him

jingle the keys in front of the audience m’dudes. Well… it worked on us

⚠️ Minor Spoilers. There’s a lot more stupidity in Part 2

YAAAY WE’RE WATCHING IT IN CHAT. With some commentary maybe?

OST being put out? 👀👀 Guess the answer is up to Schmoyoho. I’d love to actually listen to it. The bgm is so cool y’know.

Mark’s face watching ISWM 🥰🥰🥰 He’s so proud of it.

The design of the Invincible ship is based off of the Event Horizon movie

I see the similarities

COMMENTARY COMMENTARY

Burning Tractor gets another mention! He’s so proud of the VFX team. Corridor Crew mention again

Fun Fact: apparently the things on the ceilings are from Home Depot. Budget stuff

Mark basically saying how everyone’s reaction to the first video is “omg is that MatPat from Game Theory”

Champagne Glass scene. Mark had to drink 12 glasses of sparkling apple juice. RIP Mark’s throat after that shoot.

I mean, I like the taste of sparkling drinks but holy shit 12 of those bad boys…

smh everytime Mark finishes a project he says he doesn’t want to do 1st person ever again

Mark tells he used to do Biomedical engineering. He did civil engineering before that. He dropped 2 sems before graduating .

⚠️“Most is 3 at the moment” AYO MORE MINOR SPOILERS. You telling me my dumbass post about a 4 option path happening is possible

Mark: Recovery is for the weak

Proceeds to say that he’s been focusing on Elden Ring and gettin’ some oreo lol

4:33:55 is the time when he left

Thanks for the existential crisis in the middle of the talk you guys. This is why I just shut my brain off for space stuff. There’s some info that’s repeated but it was really cool to just see these two nerd out about space.

[mammoneymelon]

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you. 

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?” 

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?” 

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air. 

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself. 

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast. 

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

[weregreatatcrime]

Ooh me! I would like to ask about High Lord Karl and the Winter Seizure!

For starters,

- what was the catalyst for him finally getting his army up and running and going at Miranda? In game it was Ethan and the whole jigsaw baby debacle, so did this time he just decide 'aight, she's distracted with making weird plots, we'll get her while she's in her office daydreaming on nothing but coffee and 1 hour of sleep'

- how's the Winters' marriage? They good? Get their therapists sorted?

- and on that note is Chris on better terms with them?

- oh and who's the better bedtime story teller: Mia or Ethan?

- also, who does Karl almost knock himself out cold for as he was walking down the street and slammed head first into a tree when he saw them? Mia or Ethan?

- or is it the bug triplets who see them first?

- or Anja? Is she in this au? Does good girl accidentally wander into their yard and Mia and Ethan just look at each other like "Again? AGAIN!?" but then they're like "oh she's just a puppy, are you hungry puppy? need a blanket? want a leg of this turkey? it's fresh from the oven~

Also, might as well add that I'm in love with 'Go Tell Aunt Rhody'. Some of the scenes read like memes and they're hilarious.

*wheeze* holy shit this is a lot hell yeah let's go

- this sort of addresses the question about Anja! Anja is a good good girl and she got Really mad about the shit Miranda does to Karl, so she loses it and goes to attack Miranda. Good Girl got very very hurt and Karl found out. He exploded. It... didn't go well for either of them (or the village) but he won in the end

-Mia and Ethan are doing great! They've been seeing some therapists, they're working together to tackle their trauma, (Mia still hasn't told Ethan about moldy business) but they've decided for their own safety and peace of mind they're moving somewhere quiet and very far from home so that they can deal with,,, the vast amounts of PTSD they both have

- Chris kind went off the radar for some reason soon after he reunited them

- it's Ethan, actually, because his comedic timing is great. But baby Rose doesn't care about that yet hsdfgjk so his humor is wasted

- Karl didn't have an Immediate pan disaster but he definitely was checking Ethan out. Ethan got lost in the snow and Karl pretended he Wasn't a fancy Lord and took Ethan to Luiza's house where Luiza and her husband proceeded to have fucking heart attacks as The Crow Bane flirted with some outsider who didn't actually realize he was speaking to the village leader

No, KARL’S pan crisis happened when Ethan found HIM out in the rain having a PTSD episode and dragged him home, where Mia and Ethan proceeded to shower him in absolute warmth and affection and Karl got to Hold A Baby for the first time. He cried. Rose cried. He cried in panic because he made a baby cry. It was great times.

- Bug Girls do not leave the castle since it's Fucking Cold out there lmfao, but they hear about Uncle Karl’s stupid mancrush and IMMEDIATELY pester him about it nonstop

- the first time the Winters see Anja they panic bcz there's been no signs of freaky things in the village yet but Anja comes trotting up like a dorky puppy to say hello to new people

Thanks a ton!! I'm loving the reaction the fic is getting. I'm hoping i can keep this ball rolling without too much burnout, since I've been posting updates like every other day as soon as I write them and have friends beta

[weltonreject]

if someday the moon calls you

|| inspired by this post: years after leaving las vegas, theo’s only companion is the moon. he speaks to it as if it was Boris, his lost badr al-dine || ao3

It wasn’t a ritual, Theo told himself, so it wasn’t weird. It wasn’t obsessive or anything perverse like that. Theo just didn’t have anyone else to talk to on the long days that outlasted Theo’s patience, then left him in an anxious solitude while Hobie turned in early-- and Kitsey was out with her roommate. Instead of picking up the phone and attempting to reconcile the reality that there was no number for Theo to punch in, he just opened his bedroom window and sat along the ledge.

He lit a cigarette and kicked off his shoes, opening a beer for himself and then another for the other side of the window. For the other side of the conversation.

“Hey, Boris.” Theo said, cupping his lighter’s flame. “Work sucked today. Not as bad as last week but still fucking terrible-- I’ve got this fucking asshole after me over a goddamn armoire. Listen man, it’s not my fault you fucking spent your retirement on a place to put your moth-eaten suit jackets. That’s on you.”

Theo coughed on his first inhale, laughing for himself. For them both.

“I’m sure it’ll all blow over soon. It’s a hassle more than anything. It’s so hard to get anything done when he’s always calling me in the shop-- Oh! Speaking of the shop-- you’ll get a kick out of this, Boris.”

The moon was full that night. All the stars accounted for, present and listening.

“This Polish couple came in today looking at some chairs. Kind of sweet, right? Old and married for probably their entire lives.” Theo wasn’t sure when he found such a thing endearing. When he was talking to anyone else, the thought terrified him. “And they’re speaking to each other in Polish, of course. And fuck if I remember anything you taught me now. I missed all of their sentences and what they were actually looking for-- they never told me! It’s not entirely my fault as a shit salesman-- but I did catch what this lady called her husband. It was, uh, it was that cookie thing you kept telling me about when we were cross faded and 'stuck' in your blankets for six hours... Fuck, uh, chrusciki. Is that how you say it?”

Theo paused, trying to remember the woman’s voice. It only came back to him as a very energetic and hungry teenage boy.

Theo took a long swig of his beer, not fully exhaling his cigarette drag. His chest itched, but he kept swallowing and pretending it was simply heartburn.

“And, well, semi-related to that: I had lunch with Kitsey today.” Theo paused again, biting the inside of his cheek. “The engagement party is next week. Yeah... can’t believe it either. I don’t remember asking her-- still not sure I did.”

Theo laughed and wished someone else would too. It was a joke. The world could laugh-- it was funny. Only Theo could tangle himself up so badly even he forgot where the lie started.

“I miss you a lot lately."

That part had gotten both easier and more difficult to say as the months wore on. Easy because it was the only bit of truth left in Theo's life, but impossible to stomach on the days Theo knew admitting it meant nothing except squeezing an already bleeding wound.

"I mean, I miss you all the time but it’s weird, getting married that is. It isn’t until I see Kitsey getting all her girlfriends together for drinks and game nights and shopping days that I... I start to realize that I’m lonely. That what I feel every day is just... loneliness. That it’s disappointment. That I just... really miss you, Boris.”

The moon seemed perfectly aligned with the window pane. Theo shifted the other, full beer bottle to fit more evenly in the moonbeam over them.

“I hope you’re doing okay, Boris. Last time we talked, I guessed you were back in Europe-- Spain, I think I said, right? Well, I hope Barcelona was fun. That you didn’t do anything too stupid, had some really good food, and didn’t wind up in a prison where you don’t know the language.”

Theo smiled, imagining Boris-- in his fuzzy, undefined Adult Way Theo always conjured up-- wandering around during Golden Hour and waving to every person passing by. He always had a persimmon in his hand for some reason, chomping and chewing behind his smile. Theo had no idea how to correctly prepare a persimmon, but he always imagined that it was knowledge New Boris would have and use daily. Something he’d immediately share upon their reunion. 

“I’m sure you had a great time, as always. Can’t wait to hear all about it. Next week you’re going to, uh,” Theo paused. “New Zealand, right? Yeah. Have fun going back Under! I’d ask you to keep a journal or something but. We both know your handwriting is illegible; you’d end up reading it to me anyway.”

Giving Boris a continuing life was comforting-- something to picture when he tried to sleep at night, Kitsey’s arm resting over his chest and trying to still his heart-- but part of Theo knew it was too polished. Theo wasn’t giving Boris the proper life, wasn’t accounting for everything he could be doing out... wherever he was. Theo never considered that talking to the moon was the equivalent of talking to a dead man.

And he never would.

“When you’re finished in New Zealand, if you want to be still for a little, um, I always have room here.” Theo inhaled sharply through his nose-- nearly sniffling. “Popper would love to see you... Me too. Maybe you could talk me out of this mess. Fuck, if Platt or Kitsey or even Ms. Barbour met you they might just call the whole thing off. Name you as my best man and watch them all start freaking out.”

Theo couldn’t laugh. He was too close to crying.

“The wedding’s going to be open bar. You should come. It’s next year, early spring. I already saved you, you know, saved you a seat at one of the tables. Tried to get you as close to the bar as possible-- without being too obvious of course. I know you like to have a little discretion and class. I plan on having neither of those things, let me tell you. God, Kitsey is going to hate me for it but: What can I do? I’m getting married.”

To a woman hung at the edge of Theo’s tongue, being pulled back in as he took another drag from his cigarette. He could hear Boris placating his cyclical panic in the rustling of the trees and quiet breeze: Is not big deal, Potter. Are two boys, yes but-- Potter, would you shut up! Is not bad thing. Keep to self and I keep to mine. All fine. No girlfriends, very normal-- yes?

Even in having a girlfriend, Theo still hadn’t found that particular normal. He only felt it loitering behind him.

“I wonder if you meant all that back then.” Theo put his half-empty beer in front of Boris’s, as if the bottles could stare at each other. “You never let me feel used, you know that? Sure, we were doing weird shit together, but it always had a rationale. It was fine because we didn’t have any girls around, we were happy drunk, I’d had a bad day and you knew how much I liked sleeping close to you-- it was always explainable... It was always okay. I mean, it wasn’t. We were fooling around which, obviously, is the wrong idea about us both but--”

The wind stopped and the night hushed for Theo. It leaned back and let the moon lean in to listen more closely. He looked up to meet its gaze.

“Why is it when I don’t need an excuse or explanation to be with someone that I feel the most used?” The answer was obvious in the silence-- the absence of the answer. “What am I supposed to do, Boris? I don’t think I ever planned this far.”

Everything was just a plan of waiting; waiting until Boris turned up in New York so the rest of Theo’s life could pick up where it had splintered. But the waiting turned into irreversible actions when Theo was at his most destructive.

“This is what I get, right? Running away to be a New Yorker again when I so obviously was a far better Vegas burnout. I mean, I learned from the best after all.”

God, Theo hoped Boris was as far away from that desert as possible. Had a house and a steady income and someone who listened to all his ranting and raving-- and sometimes even put up with it.

Although, sometimes, the thought of Boris being with anyone else made Theo sick. He at least knew his on-coming marriage was a sham. Boris didn’t know how to love people dishonestly; if Boris was with anyone, it was because he had opened his heart and life to them. Just the way he had to Theo-- before he turned around and shut Boris out.

Theo picked up his beer again, nearly finishing the rest of it in one gulp. If Theo had planned better-- at least in this area of his life-- it would’ve been something stronger. He wouldn’t have been speaking in complete sentences anymore. His slurred incoherence would’ve lent itself to a near-livable dream where Theo was no longer talking to himself; he could’ve been staring at the moon and pretending it wasn’t just another light over a bustling city, but instead the same one that hovered over the blankets of sands that tried to soak Theo up when he was too young to know that heat wasn’t always warmth.

“I think I’m going to turn in soon, Boris, I... I think I need to lay down.” The window was going to remain open, beer still on the ledge. “As always I really... really wish you were here.”

Theo placed his feet back on the floor.

“Please be alive. And please come back to me. Soon as you can, okay?”

The muted brightness of the moon remained unwavering, and low, distant rumbling held off on any clouds. The sky was clear, the stillness breathing through the silent pause.

“Okay. Good night, Boris.” Theo stubbed his cigarette out at the feet of the full beer bottle. The condensation surrounding it caused the cigarette butt to hiss as it extinguished. “Stay safe.”

Well, and of course:

“I love you.”

[painted-crow]

Hello. Can I ask you to give an example of your bird primary analizing and thinking, and changing it's mind and rethinking it's system about something? When you'll have time of course.

Overwork

I used to fall into the trap of glorifying overwork.

The various communities I belonged to as a teenager had this tendency to hold exhaustion as a status symbol. The general base of the idea was that if you were really dedicated and pushed yourself to your limits (read: long, long past your limits) then you could accomplish incredible things. It's usually flavored with individualistic ideals of achievement, and holds a very specific type of goal in high regard. It's also very American.

As a teenager, I really wanted to be an entrepreneur. I was going to start a startup, code some kind of app that would do something pretty basic in a really well designed way, and everyone would end up using it. I hyperfocus on things I'm interested in, and I thought if I could harness that, I might be able to have a stable income doing something cool and inventive.

This isn't an inherently bad idea. It's just that the startup world, the tech world, the local culture in my area, and the national culture of America all send a very focused message that working yourself to burnout is very cool and dedicated and great.

I'm not entirely sure how I came to challenge that. Partly it was experience. When I was 18, I took a full college class load alongside an internship (with a company that had a toxic culture... it was exhausting on its own tbh) and ended up unable to focus during class and too tired to get anything done while at home. I ended up dropping one or two of my classes (I can't remember; possibly one of them was that one with the online professor who went MIA so it was effectively dropped for me).

Then I wound up learning a working knowledge of PHP and doing 75% of the semester's work for one of the classes I kept... all in four days. I passed the class. In fact, my professor knew what I was doing and why (he was one of the few people who suggested that maybe I shouldn't be burning the candle at both ends like that), and although I'd carefully calculated how much I needed to do in order to pass and done that, he fudged it somehow and gave me an A.

But I think a large part of what changed my mind was my mom trying to tell me that what I was doing was batshit insane. I don't know if she ever challenged me directly on this point (possibly she did and I brushed it off because: teenager) but every time I decided to step back from what I was doing and cool down, she supported me. She wouldn't let me beat myself up for not achieving ridiculous goals. She reminded me that I always think I'm doing worse than I actually am; I'm very self-critical and have a long track record of perfectionism.

Eventually I think the tipping point was figuring out that sometimes depression keeps me from doing stuff, and that I can't just smash my way through by brute force when I'm already burned out. I can't blame myself for not being able to do what all the other burned-out college students seem to be doing all the time, because actually they were all doing exactly the same thing I was.

And I think eventually I extrapolated this to: "...maybe you don't need to wait until you're deeply depressed and burned out before you stop blaming yourself for having limits or pinning your self worth on productivity?"

Really. No shit, Sherlock.

Note

This is an example that actually took years before I recognized it and changed it. The cultural prevalence made it very hard to identify and articulate, which is why it hung around unchallenged for so long. I'd like to be able to give less extreme examples, but the thing is that I don't really remember them! I have a very shitty memory for certain categories of things, and "stuff I decided wasn't true" is one of them. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Plus, more minor parts of your system, the parts that change most, are kind of invisible to you until they come up (because you're either exposed to relevant information that's reminding you of them, or you're making a decision that involves that belief) and you're actively thinking about them. They're always there, your active memory just doesn't really have, like... object permanence for them lol.

Or if you do remember, then a lot of the time the change isn't very dramatic.

Oh. I just thought of an example of this, actually.

A less extreme example, about pollution

You know how people are like "drinking straws specifically are evil! Save the turtles! Outlaw plastic straws!" And at first I was like, huh, if this is that big of a deal then maybe they have a point.

But then I started to feel like it's a weirdly narrow thing to focus on. If you have the activation energy to campaign against drinking straws, why not instead campaign against the fact that many American cities have very limited recycling programs?

When I lived in an apartment, if I wanted to recycle trash, I had to put it in my car and drive it across town to the recycling plant. Doing means I have to drive my car and add whatever pollution it's putting out into the air. You're trading one type of pollution for another, and it's a cost to me in time and money. Eventually I just gave up and threw away anything that wasn't big enough to merit the effort.

And then I learned that actually, most pollution comes from corporations, and the focus on consumers is probably just to distract us from regulating industrial waste properly by making us feel guilty, and also to get us to buy "eco friendly" products like metal drinking straws (which, btw, take more energy to manufacture and break down a lot more slowly even than plastic).

So, sure. Ditch your drinking straws if you want, definitely don't buy those shower soaps with the stupid plastic microbeads in them, but don't get distracted shaming each other for tiny things when we have bigger fish to fry.

This is how most system changes go down: "I thought about some stuff and learned some stuff and changed my mind." It's not usually a big deal. Sometimes it is, but this low-level stuff is way more common and you don't even usually notice it as it's happening.

[excorcismic]

      ❛ remember the time . . . in SAN FRANCISCO ? with me by your side , in SAN FRANCISCO ? you are such a  s i g h t  , the deepest brown eyes , my dear . . . ❜

                                                                      ❛ MISA MISA !! ❜                                            playlist . plotting call . listen as you read !

the mirrors surrounding you did as they were meant to, reflecting back a spitting image of HIRAI MOMO  -  but it’s clear something is wrong from the moment that a vision of VALENTINE’S DAY , 2011 strikes you.  perhaps it was a passing daydream in the frenzy of the funhouse. you reassure yourself  -  you’re MISA AMANE ! ,  a TWENTY-FOUR YEAR OLD STREAMER / MUSICIAN whose virtue lies in your + LOYALTY & + OPTIMISM , although you’ve been told that you tend to be quite - NAÏVE & - IMPULSIVE ,  and you’re associated with BLACK PAINTED NAILS HOLDING A FOUNTAIN PEN , RUBY RED LIPS & EYES THAT MATCH , GIVING HIM YOUR EVERYTHING IN EXCHANGE FOR JUST HIS HEART by those around you.  suddenly,  however,  you’ve found LIGHT’S WHITE JACKET on your person - was that always there? from the moment you leave the funhouse,  memories from your life in DEATH NOTE have begun to return - leaving whoever you had been before in the mirror’s reflection behind you.  you can almost hear SAN FRANCISCO by THE DRIVER ERA following in your wake. ( she/her & demigirl )

                       this is the story of a very lonely girl .

I . WELL , LOOK AT YOUR WATCH NOW !

born in alucard , pennsylvania - misa amane was the child of celebrity parents who settled down in the small town . as of course , a TEMPORARY break . a director father and a failed actress mother , they were determined their daughter continue the legacy and turn into a star . and after a few good , normal years ( if ‘normal’ involved going to school & playing during the day then coming home to intense acting , singing , dancing practice ) , she managed to get wrapped into the world of stardom . 

first , it was through commercials . then , small parts in movies that called for cute little girls . then . . . a deal with a children’s network at age nine to star in a series about a child detective . affectionately called , THE MYSTERIES OF MISS MISA-MISA !

from nine to sixteen , she’d work tirelessly - becoming an instant hit the moment the pilot episode aired , selling merchandise all over the country and making appearances on other television shows . 

but then there’s the inevitable - kids start to grow up . the childish charm is lost & the children start to realize they were deprived of so much for the sake of fame . such things , like friends . and misa . . . although initially asked for a sequel series that would tackle the child detective now as a high schooler , declined in favor of going back home to pursue her high school years as a normal teen . of course - to the chagrin of her parents . she’d go back home to live with an aunt in alucard for a year , finishing her sophomore year , then her parents would follow - she’d move back in again at the start of her junior . and . . . it was not at all easy . considering a , she already had a reputation as a child star - which was equivalent to a target along her back . and b , the lack of friends was obvious - and even when she smiled at everyone , complimented their styles , helped them out with work she could assist with . . . most of the time , she’d sit by herself at the lunch table . or , with people that she didn’t know if they were actual friends or not . 

graduation comes , and misa amane stands to accept her diploma . there isn’t a graduation party ; she just sits in the back of her parents’ car , ready to go out to a fancy dinner she isn’t looking forward to .

II . YOU’RE STILL A SUPER HOT FEMALE !

BUT ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST ! graduation is the end of a chapter - and the beginning of the next rests in amane’s hands . three months pass , and once again the family puts pressure on her to go back into showbiz . it isn’t too late , you’re young & pretty - you’re meant for movies . but . . . misa , of course , refuses . she actually is looking into maybe making another name for herself . . . but in a very different way than her parents would hope .

it’s an argument . an argument about how misa has talent she’s ignoring & an argument about how her parents can’t control her forever . one friend she has sits in her truck in the parking lot as misa packs her bags , and the heated argument ends with the blonde girl slamming the door and her parents telling her to come back only when she has her head screwed on straight . but it’s fine . misa’s alright with this - she’s going to be a star in her own right , since a band she’s started playing in underground has just gotten noticed . YOUR FRIENDS & THE SKELETONS - a hard pop-punk band influenced by the likes of my chemical romance , paramore , two door cinema club , the 1975 , what have you . 

alucard is left behind when the recognition comes since misa amane needs the change of scenery . but that doesn’t mean she is gone forever , as sometimes the pursuit of other things only lasts for so long . 

III . YOU’VE GOT YOUR MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT !

the next few years are kind . the band experiences a nice success that means misa gets to live her dream - but she realizes the burnout when she looks back on everything she’s accomplished . the constant moving around , always only talking to the same few people or never anyone she gets to know - it registers that she’s still in some sort of box . and maybe a break from said box is needed .

your friends & the skeletons goes on a touring hiatus , retiring back to alucard . misa does not tell her family she’s going back - she doesn’t give a shit , and she doesn’t think they do , either . she gets an apartment by herself , and starts frequently streaming to still connect with her fans even though she’s taken a step back out of the spotlight . 

alucard is quiet . and alucard is home . but there’s a lot that misa again has to face .

she has a history here , yes - but nevertheless , there is still that feeling of loneliness . in every aspect - she never had many friends . little of her relationships lasted long , always ending with unrequited love , quick heartbreak , what have you . only her bandmembers did she have , even though she tried to throw herself at every friendly face she saw .

because she’s always been friendly . always a friend to everyone else , even if they aren’t a friend to her . only hoping maybe SOMEONE ELSE can see her as someone - begging to be somebody’s top-pick , somebody’s vip , somebody to someone . because her whole life she’s lived as only the bridesmaid , but never the bride in the eyes of those looking away from stardom . because it’s one thing to be adored by fans - it’s another to be adored by individual people .

IV . AND THEY’RE ALL WAITING FOR YOUR HOT TRACK !

nevertheless , amane is never one to give up quickly . because she believes that someday , maybe she’ll get what she wants . . . even though of course , when things go south , she still quickly accepts maybe she isn’t meant to be somebody’s someone . 

but she always smiles .

misa amane is one of a kind . she’s got so much love in her heart to share - she’s sensitive , maybe she gets hurt easily . maybe she’s IMPULSIVE and naive to where she bites off more than she can chew and believes things she shouldn’t . she jumps into things without realizing how much she could get hurt . talks without thinking . but she is friendly - she’s kind , outgoing , and cherishes those she admires even if they don’t cherish her back . her heart is forever on her sleeve , and all she wants to be loved . she’s been lonely for a long time .

she’s talented ! not only fronting her band with vocals & rhythm guitar , but also taking interests in visual art , crafting . aside from streaming , she runs a little etsy shop where she makes jewelry and keychains of her own little style . she of course can act , but hates it at this point . she also knows how to play the piano & the drums !!

she regularly streams for her fans - whether it’s to watch movies or shows with them or to play video games she has with them . she’s social , in that she always loves to talk to someone . her batteries recharge through social interaction , as an extrovert’s extrovert .

i wouldn’t say misa is stupid . she’s clever - witty . but sometimes she’s a little ditzy and acts without thinking ; i like to thing she did pretty well in school in terms of her grades , but her tendencies to both act and speak without thinking and sometimes forgetting simple things can give the impression she isn’t too smart . but she is ; just in her own special ways . she’s not dumb at all .

she also knows no fear - courageous to some points where it’s even dangerous . she regularly likes to go on adventures in the dark to investigate possible haunted areas , always is the one to kill the bugs when everyone else is scared , heights and the dark are never an issue . she also lives and breathes for the occult , heavily believing in everything supernatural . she even practices witchcraft ! 

also she's hardcore pan if u think misa is straight U Are Mistaken

it is almost a certain guarantee that misa amane is perhaps one of the friendliest faces in alucard . the one that only hopes you like her as much as she likes you . and maybe one day she’ll find that - until then , she will never stop persisting . she goes everywhere and she smiles at everyone ; a shimmer of sunshine in black platforms & cross earrings .

WHAT YOU WAITING - WHAT YOU WAITING - WHAT YOU WAITING - WHAT YOU WAITING - WHAT YOU WAITING FOR ?? . . .

                    . . .  holding on , i’m holding on to our story . . .

there is a girl . a very lonely girl . a very lonely girl that looks back at misa when she stares into the house of mirrors . and that lonely girl is a thought that misa can’t get out of her head , along with the newfound feeling that there is something - no , someone missing from her life that should be there . or was there . a missing piece that she doesn’t recognize . and the white jacket , a bit too big for her to fit , that appears on her person - the attachment she feels to it gives her security , like a safety blanket ; even though she has no clue where it came from , or who it actually belonged to . . . 

god i fried my own brain writing this but anyway HELLO EVERYONE once again i am hylia and . . . i have finally finished . my monster of an intro for misa . once again if u want to look at my plot/connection ideas pls click the plotting call link at the top of this post !! i love this girl to death and i hope u guys like her too c: bc she is my BABIE and i ,,, am so stoked to write her here . I’LL SEE Y’ALL WHEN I GET OFF WORK !! <3 

[purplesurveys]

961

What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Unsettling films are my jam, man. To name a few, there’s Eraserhead, Room, Midsommar, Eyes Wide Shut, Misery, and most recently, I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Eraserhead takes the cake though. That movie always makes me queasy...

What unethical experiment would have the biggest positive impact on society as a whole? I’m a firm believer in nothing good ever comes out of unethical practices. I’ll never forget reading about an experiment where a group of newborn babies were given basic needs like food and being bathed, but weren’t shown any affection whatsoever and it was meant to see if humans can survive with just the most basic physiological needs. By the end of the experiment period half of the babies were dead. The results were honestly a lot bleaker than how I’ve put it, but I don’t wanna be a downer lol. Suffice it to say that experiment haunted me for days after reading it.

When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? It was around a week or so ago, I’m pretty sure.

Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? My sister is into K-pop and I hear insights from her all the time, but her one constant is that BTS breeds the most annoying, toxic fans. I’d have to agree. Ariana Grande’s fandom was also annoying at one point, but I haven’t heard much from them making a mess these days.

What are you interested in that most people aren’t? Autobiographies.

If you were given a PhD degree, but had no more knowledge of the subject of the degree besides what you have now, what degree would you want to be given to you? Why would I deserve a PhD on something I’m clearly not qualified for...I’m not sure I’m following this question right, but I don’t feel like thinking too hard about it.

What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I’m happy with the features that are widespread now, but I wish companies adhere more to countries other than the common ones like US, UK, Australia, etc. I always see ads about phones being able to tell you how much movie tickets cost or track boarding passes, but those are all irrelevant here. It makes a lot of Apple’s basic apps useless on this side of the world haha.

What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Long-term effects of poor habits like not getting enough sleep or drinking too many cups of coffee. I know because I’m guilty of this.

What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? “I won’t think about that now, I’ll think about it tomorrow,” but I usually say it to myself, especially when I feel stressed.

Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? Better, but idk if that’s just me being biased because my generation will be the next parents lol. I just think that a lot of Gen X parents still have a lot of dated prejudices and mindsets that my generation was able to learn better from. For example my mom doesn’t like using people’s preferred names, especially if they’ve transitioned -_____- and I know I’d never want to set such an example for my kids.

What’s the funniest joke you know by heart? I know I’ve come across hilarious ones but I always fail to come up with one when asked on the spot.

When was the last time you felt you had a new lease on life? LOL RIGHT NOW

What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? It’s more stupid than funny and I know I’ve already mentioned this before, but Covid Bryant as a first and second name still takes the cake for me. My sister went to school with a girl whose name is just her surname backwards, and for a time I was really weirded out by it. But in the times I’ve seen her she really owns her name and never looks bothered by it, so I quickly stopped caring.

Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? For me it would have to be organizations for animal welfare.

What TV show character would it be the most fun to change places with for a week? Post-El Camino Jesse Pinkman. I wouldn’t want to live through his chaotic shit  from Breaking Bad, but his fate after El Camino is something I’m super envious of.

What was cool when you were young but isn’t cool now? Flip phones, Blackberry phones, Roshes, Frappuccinos.

If you were moving to another country, but could only pack one carry-on sized bag, what would you pack? Phone, laptop, their chargers, important IDs, some of my favorite tops and jeans, underwear, essential toiletries, wallet, a family photo, a journal and pen, earphones, certain knickknacks to remember Gab and my dogs by. Minus the clothes, all of these are pretty tiny so I think these would all fit in the bag just fine.

What’s the most ironic thing you’ve seen happen? I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of rating the most/worst this and that stuff in my life, either. I feel like I unnecessarily rack my brain too hard for them when I take surveys to have a chill time.

If magic was real, what spell would you try to learn first? Probably something that’d keep my dogs from dying.

If you were a ghost and could possess people, what would you make them do? No thanks. I’d be the chillest ghost tbh, I’d like to just sneak up on people’s business and hang out but never interfere in them.

What goal do you think humanity is not focused enough on achieving? Climate change, global warming, alleviation of poverty. Corporations and the few people who actually have the power and money to change things only ever come up with short-term shit like donations and never look at the big picture. What problem are you currently grappling with? So many personal ones. But just like the recurring theme of my surveys so far, “I don’t want to get into it.”

What character in a movie could have been great, but the actor they cast didn’t fit the role? As much as I love Kristen Stewart, I heard she was cast as Princess Diana for an upcoming film and I’m not really feeling that decision. They could’ve gone with a British actress for starters?????? The movie is still in production but it is pretty annoying to think about lmao.

What game have you spent the most hours playing? Probably GTA: San Andreas as a kid.

What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? Luxury hotel beds are always so fluffy and comfortable.

What’s the craziest conversation you’ve overheard? Omg one time at a coffee shop Gabie and I sat beside this older couple that obviously was going through some heavy SHIT. There was a lot of animosity and tension between them and I caught the lady silently break into tears a few times. I never overheard anything but then again they sat in silence for hours until the lady finally walked out on him. Never knew what it was about but I’ve always guessed that the man did something crappy, like cheat, and was discovered. It was a really sad sight and a crazy situation to witness and I think I felt even more sorry because they were obviously in their 50s or 60s. I hope the woman is in a better place now as she looked rough as fuck that evening.

What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? I wore a lot of hats when I was in my college org, and that was on top of balancing my acads as well.

What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? That scene from Friends where Ross plays the keyboard for Chandler, Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel.

What artist or band do you always recommend when someone asks for a music recommendation? It depends on what music they’re into and if I have actually have a recommendation in mind for them. I obviously can’t suggest Paramore to someone who mainly listens to metal.

If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? I’m down for any monuments that are super ancient like Stonehenge or the Pyramids of Giza.

If animals could talk, which animal would be the most annoying? I’d go with frogs, but only because they get annoyingly loud in the evening.

What’s the most addicted to a game you’ve ever been? Playing The Sims, Mario Kart, Rock Band, or games in the Burnout franchise.

What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? Japan was so fucking cold when I was there. Didn’t do my research and ended up being dressed poorly, and I was so cold I could barely talk to my parents or fully enjoy my time. Sagada was also nearly unbearable in the early morning.

Which protagonist from a book or movie would make the worst roommate? Not from a book or movie, but BoJack Horseman. Diane can also be in the running as I always found her too whiny. I get that she had her personal shit to deal with, but I don’t think living with her would be good for my own sanity and mental health.

Do you eat food that’s past its expiration date if it still smells and looks fine? It annoys my chef dad to death that I don’t lol. No matter how great it looks, I’d bounce. I once ate expired Kit Kats that tasted like cardboard and that scared me off of expired food forever.

What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? I once bought a stupid novelty soap that to this day I’ve never even opened. It’s in one of my drawers, and I plan to just throw it out at some point.

What’s the funniest comedy skit you’ve seen? Not a fan of these but one that got to me is Dear Sister from SNL.

What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? A few years ago there was a local breakfast place that offered red velvet pancakes for a limited time and I was all over that crap, so I went and ordered. The actual pancakes ended up not being any bigger than my palm, and I remember not being able to hide my disappointment once the server placed the dish on my table haha. I felt so scammed. I had to order something else to feel full, because those pancakes were stupidly small.

What tips or tricks have you picked up from your job/jobs? One of my superiors, when she was presenting a pitch to our director yesterday, kept asking questions and picking at the director’s brain so that she can get suggestions and answers straight from the director herself and so that she didn’t have to do any brainstorming anymore. I thought that was a pretty nifty and clever hack.

What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Hiking a mountain!

What songs hit you with a wave of nostalgia every time you hear them? Umbrella by Rihanna feat. Jay-Z.

What’s the worst backhanded compliment you could give someone? Idk, anything can be the worst depending on the context. I’m not a fan of giving those, though.

What’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched? Unsolved Mysteries’ Dupont de Ligonnès episode was a lot of fun to watch.

What was the last song you sang along to? I think it was Thinking of You by Katy Perry? but I’m not entirely sure. I haven’t sung along to anything in a while.

What app can you not believe someone hasn’t made yet? I don’t really download and use a lot of apps other than the basic ones, so I don’t care too much.

When was the last time you face palmed? Last night.

If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? I’d give it away to the Martial Law museum currently being made near my university so that it can do more to show the atrocities of the Marcoses. And so that I can piss off my pro-Marcos relatives.

Which of your vices or bad habits would be the hardest to give up? Uh hating myself, if that counts.

What really needs to be modernized? Public transportation systems in this country.

[write-it-motherfuckers]

How do I get inspiration? I am experiencing writer's block rn and I am tired of it

Shit Darling, I feel you on that.

I’ve vaguely touched on this sort of stuff in other answers to asks in the past, but I will try to put it all together in my mind here. Please forgive me if I don’t do too well, I’m rather tired as always.

First things first, and this is something I learn’t recently, Don’t call it writers block. Writers block makes it sound like it’s permanent, and because the mind is such a clusterfuck of fuckery, we can often convince ourselves of these things, and instil Actual Genuine mental blocks. And those motherfuckers can be hella hard to overcome. Best nip it in the bud.

Instead, might I suggest calling it a creative hibernation? Even in your head, get use to calling it that. It helps, surprisingly.

From here, there are multiple options. 

First, you have to figure out if it is actually creative hibernation, or burn out. Both are very different things. Take some time to reflect on it and figure out which is which. If nothing else, it’s good practice in self awareness.

If it is creative hibernation, then I have a few suggestions. 

Take the chance to read some things, refresh yourself on the sorts of things you enjoy taking in, because most of the time, that will be the stuff you should try and put out. If you don’t enjoy the things you write, then it will drain you, and it will become more like a chore. You will find that the more often that you write things you enjoy, the more often you will find yourself growing as a writer.  

A writers passion can also translate across to a reader too, more often than not. If you’re enjoying yourself, your readers probably are too. (not everyone can be pleased, so I’m talking about the ones who see something they like and stick around, not the people who see something they don’t like and stick around just to be a twat muffin)

If you read a lot already, then you may need to do the opposite. Take a breather from it, listen to some music, let yourself daydream like mad. Do other creative things if you are that way inclined. Something that doesn’t require active thought outside of simple actions. Painting, drawing, knitting, jewellery making, sewing, anything that keeps your hands busy, but mind mostly free to wander.

Another thing you can do, and one I find myself using A LOT thanks to my self enforced schedule of two prompts daily, is to just… start writing.

It sounds stupid and the first time someone said it to me, I wanted to stab them repeatedly in the face, or just rip their throat out with my teeth, but it does work.

Take your blank paper, or document, and just… start. Think of a word, a place, an image, a person, and then start putting words onto paper. More often than not, you will start coming up with something. 

If you get part way through and realise you finally have an idea, thanks to what you have been writing, but it doesn’t fit what you have already written, then that’s ok. Either save it and set it aside, while starting on the new line of thought, or just delete it. It’s not as big a deal as you will convince yourself it is.

Images can really help in this sense, if you aren’t quite sure where to start. Go onto google and search for something. Forest, mansion, abandoned building, what ever you choose, it doesn’t really matter. 

From that, you simply take some time to look at the picture, pick out all the tiny little details, and let your imagination run wild. Imagine someone or something interacting with the image, or something that could happen to produce that captured moment, just let your brain take you for a ride. Once you have an idea in place, just start writing and see where it takes you.

Now… if it’s burnout, you need to face all of this another way.

If you are experiencing burnout, that is your signal that you need to take a step back and do something else. Please try to be kind to yourself, you aren’t made to pump out content like a drink dispenser. Take a breather, do something else you enjoy.

Go for a walk, a jog, a ride. Go sit somewhere other than your house or work or school. Go sit in a cafe and just silently shudder at having to deal with people. 

What ever it is you can do to separate yourself from it for a while, do it. 

If you try to force yourself while you are burnt out, you risk ruining writing for yourself, permanently.

Don’t do it. Be kind to yourself, even if you don’t think you deserve it. 

When the time comes, let yourself come back to it at your own pace. Write something silly, something superfluous, something with no end goal. Let it remind you why you enjoy writing in the first place.

Hope some of this might be helpful for you Darling. Have a lovely day. 🖤

[the-space-case]

Hi! First of all I love your art and I love you

Hello and Thank You!!!! I’m not sure if you’re talking about a fan comic or an original, or long or short but I’ll give you some tips. GRANTED I am not a professional and you may find a different way that is easier for you.

1.) Think of a basic storyline or prompt. Like, “Man is dying and is going to a mountain to see it before he dies and meets his DESTINY???” it can be stupid. It can be silly or vague so long as you have something to start with.

2.) Think of the protagonist, as well as a bit of the timeframe or universe. Are they human? Alien? Medieval? Elf? For our example here lets say its a medieval man from a heavily forested area. He is a lumberjack who hates potatoes and his old man told him stories of the mountain in the west that holds a magic temple; only the pure of heart may enter. He is dying, and wants to see this mythical place before he passes. Draw a few examples. You’ll want some basic refs to look back on.

3.)Think of the antagonist. It can be nature, machine, man, elderich horrors, etc....(typical story tropes are something like man vs. machine or man vs. nature). For our case lets say its mainly man and nature. Bandits, bad weather, illness, etc...DRAW SOME OF THOSE REFS. These beginning ones don’t have to be in depth. just basic stuff.

4.)Hash out what you want to happen in the BEGINNING, MIDDLE and END. These are kind of the most important parts. Its definitely important to think of the end ahead of time instead of thinking about it when you’re halfway through; thats a quick way to never end it at all. Our lumberjack begins his journey selling all he owns and getting a horse to set out to the mountains with nothing but a bit of gold, an old axe and a sick ride.  In the middle he encounters various trials that test his “pure of heart”-ness. Probably three, they can be as long as you want so long as they are generally even alongside each other. (3 or 7 are magic numbers WINK). In the end he reaches the temple and is welcomed inside due to his good deeds and it was allllll along a metaphor for the journey to the afterlife.

5.)get some good references. You have a time period set, a scene in mind, and some tools. Gathering from our example, we’re going to want; various forest scenes of pines, plains, dirt roads, medieval towns, mountains, temples, animals, people, cultures, etc. We need refs for our horse, axe, and gold. Remember those quick refs of characters you made in steps one and two? Now is the time to finalize those. They’ll have developed with the level of detail in your story. Add background nonsense no one else will notice but will enliven the story like how our axeman always ties his beard when mad or how he prefers apple cider over beer anyday. Give those fuckers some names. Bandit Bill challenges Axeman Abel for his horse and loses his head (literallly???)

--if you can go to like, museums or lectures or fairs about these things and take notes. USE YOUR RESOURCES!! ASK QUESTIONS!!! (For ilulatte I visited a couple of coffeeshops and roughed out some cafe drawings haha)

7.) Separate events into chapters. Generally theres a prologue, chapters 1-whatever, the end, and an epilogue. Our axeman has a prologue of starting out on the road, chapters 1-3 depicting pure-heart-trials, climax/end of reaching the temple, and an epilogue of someone else starting their journey to the temple based on his influence on the world because this shit is cyclical, baby. 

6.) make a fuckton of thumbnail drafts. You know these characters now; you built em out of your own head. You know how they move and talk, so slap down their journey in tiny pages. add minor details to the sides. (Here’s a shitty example of mine from ilulatte!!!!!)

7.) finish allllll of them. or at least the first few chapters. Its good for you I promise. You’ll notice the pacing much better this way! You can add a bunch of extra details in the margins like extra panels and bg notes. Don’t be afraid to experiment with the direction of your story, but try to keep the overall plot the same! (sticky notes are great for this!)

8.) start roughing out the actual pages. You’ll change things from the thumbnails (like I always do haha); thats okay!!! They’re more of a helpful guide than solid stone rules.  It’s like making the scaffolding to make the base for the rest of the building.

9.) do the lineart, bgs, text, etc. There’s tons of helpful art programs for this like CLIP studio paint or medibang if you’re doing it digitally. Remember those refs you collected for our horse, axe, and bgs? Now is the time to use em. BE VIGILANT. Keep copies of the originals. Go back frequently to look for mistakes or missing details. Keep a check list. Freckles? check. Scar on nose? check. shading???? UHHHHHH----SHIT.

10.)you should probably number the pages. keep em in a nice sized resolution if you want to print but lower it if you’re posting to the internet to dissuade reposters. keep em all in one organized folder if possible. Slap your signature on em for extra safety.

11.) ????? Sell it on gumroad idk.

GENERAL TIPS:

-start with short stories. Build your own stamina.

-have relatable characters with flaws. Tumblr seems to hate “problematic” characters but thats literally the point of character building and narratives. THEY’RE RELATABLE IF THEY’RE FLAWED. If a story doesn’t have characters that conflict with each other its a boring one. Axeman Abel wants to help everyone; Bandit Bill wants to help himself only. LET THEM HATE EACH OTHER.

-its also good to have characters that are friends but still conflict with each other. The Dragon Age series is phenomenal with this (their characters are good in general, take notes!!)

-theres a lot of shitty people out there. USE THEM. (seriously though examine other peoples interactions and you’ll make better characters. )

-bad things happen to good people. Bad things also happen to bad people. Bad things just sort of happen. Don’t shy away from unfortunate events; your story will fall flat without conflict both planned and random.

-Obviously you don’t have to share the same world views as your characters. (dont let the antis fool you.) Axeman Abel can hate broccoli but you can still enjoy it. Bandit Bill can be a racist piece of shit but that doesn’t mean you are.

-have characters of various personality, body type, race, height, etc….it really livens up the story.

-generally you don’t want the bg to overwhelm the characters, so most people do a sort of painterly bg against the solid outlines of the characters but thats all really up to you and how in-depth you want it to be.

-you should also make a regular schedule, if you can. Say, something like “twenty finished pages a month” or “four pages a week” depending on the level of detail. Simplistic style and palettes of course take less time to make than full color/heavily detailed pages, so plan accordingly to prevent burnout. If you post weekly, having a few pages done ahead of time will be good in case you need an emergency break.

-be open to critique but don’t be a doormat, either. ESPECIALLY if you’re doing it for free. People will try to take advantage of you; don’t let them. Block them and move on.

-above all; BE DEDICATED. Comics take a great deal of time by yourself, but doing them helps you develop important skills in the end like time management and general technical know-how like digital programs and writing. It’s not just art, though that’s a major part of it.

-probably should’ve said this earlier but make what you enjoy??? People can generally tell if you dont enjoy your own work. There’s less effort there. 

THIS WAS REALLY LONG SO I HOPE IT WAS HELPFUL IN SOME WAY ILU HAVE FUN BE SAFE OUT THERE

[swindlefingrs]

Do you ever just get such strong Deacon Feels, that you just want to bundle him in soft blankets and feed him nice things and call him pretty? The prettiest, I'd assure him. [And hope that my sudden attack of comfort doesn't weird him out.] Like, dude, I should be sleeping, but I'm laying awake thinking about this nerd. Help. Do you have any headcanons/ideas on comforting a sad Deeks? That wouldn't make him squirrelly and break out in hives? Or bring out the awkward finger guns in self-defense?

tl;dr: Help Deacon feel like he matters. Him. Not the Railroad. Him.

ts;wr:

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head in how you imagine he’d react.

To put a point on “sad”, because I think it informs how someone feeling sad may want comfort, most of my sad #Deels come from sympathizing with his struggle over: his loss of identity, a loss of the self, a loss of control, self-imposed isolation, anxiety over the unknown, the self-defeating inner monologue that Imposter Syndrome fuels, the inevitable burnout from fighting for a cause, and the pain of subsuming one’s ego and personal needs for a greater good.

In this scenario, we’re running into two fundamental obstacles at comforting that are intertwined: Deacon’s inability to be vulnerable, and Deacon’s subsumption of his ego to his work. He reduces his vulnerability by letting his sense of self be consumed by his work; and the more he does his work, the more he loses his sense of self, and his ability to be vulnerable.

Deacon’s Lack of Vulnerability

The amount of trust and patience it would take to know when Deacon is feeling upset in the first place would be monumental. Vulnerability is dangerous. Being known is dangerous. Deacon uses subterfuge to add distance and safety. He actively works against being known, even with people he’s worked with for decades. He keeps himself outside of his community, despite watching over it and caring for it. Through his behavior (like face changing and lying) he actively keeps people from knowing him, from being understood.

Without being vulnerable enough to ask for comfort, or vulnerable enough to accept comfort - can anyone earnestly comfort him?

Deacon’s Lack of Ego

Even at his lowest affinity, when he is the most angry, he doesn’t really allow himself value his personal emotions; he’s upset at what the Survivor has done and how that reflects on the Railroad and runs counter to what the Railroad is trying to accomplish. He’s willing to be around and work with (albeit at a distance) with someone who’s methods he hates, for the good of the Railroad.

None of this is to say he’s a mindless Railroad automaton. He has morals, has likes and dislikes, loves and hates: he hates wanton murder, dislikes scamming folks, he loves helping people, likes playing along on jokes. But when the chips are down, his highest priority is the Railroad and how the Commonwealth sees them. His verbalized wants are what he wants for the Railroad, and not necessarily himself.

In my mind, much of Deacon’s post-game growth is with himself because of this. Feeling sad for himself could be a big step for him. He (and the rest of the Railroad) has a lot of decompression and priority shifting to do post-game. How they decompress is anyone’s guess, but I can imagine he finds himself having some good days and some very bad days.

Without understanding what he personally needs, wants, and desires - can anyone earnestly comfort him?

Comforting a Deacon

With all of that in mind, combined with Deacon being such a pro-active person, I tend to think in actions as to how a Survivor would make him feel better if he trusted them enough, and knew himself well enough, to let them know how he truly feels.

If a high-affinity, Railroad aligned, post-game Survivor could tell that Deacon was upset, they could do things like:

Make him feel involved - not what he can do, not what he can accomplish, but him - the person. Include him in planning, in events, in the Survivor’s day and life.

Make him feel like he’s seen - he’s spent his so many decades of his life being invisible. Talk about him (with varying levels of truthiness), refer to him, bring up things he’s said to other people. Help him fill space.

Show up for him - he’s been kicked out of HQ so many times, he runs solo because partners don’t work out for him. Sure, his voice is listened to, but maybe the Survivor chimes in when the rest of the RR might be shooting down his voice during an all-hands meeting.

Tell Not-so-tall Tales - take time to reminisce about all the weird shit and shenanigans they’ve gotten into and survived. He was there, with them.

Show that the Survivor listens to him - bring him that stupid box of Blamco Mac n’ Cheese. Even if he lied about actually liking it, he knows the Survivor listened, regardless.

Help him work - his work is still important to him. The Survivor helps him get it done. Makes life easier for him. It shows they care, maybe about the Railroad, maybe about him, but with his life so intertwined, maybe the difference isn’t important right now as much as the doing.

Get him moving - sometimes crawling into bed is good, sometimes it’s not. The Survivor asks for help picking up some supplies. Getting out and walking helps Deacon’s mood a bit. They bring Dogmeat along and throw the ball for the mutt along the way.

Foster self-expression - writing, painting, sewing, cooking, sculpting, gardening. They make, create, discover, enjoy.

Respect his boundaries - if he says he’s fine, they don’t dismiss that. If he says he wants to be alone, they respect that. If he says he doesn’t want to be touched, they respect that. A Survivor can leave the door open for him with a “I’m here to listen” or “if you want a hug, I’m around”.

I tend to think of these things through my Sole Survivor and how they interact with Deacon. Everyone communicates and expresses themselves differently, though. A Survivor who is more quiet and cerebral might think of different ways to comfort. A Survivor who also deals with their own feelings of inadequacy might project onto him. A Survivor who might lack the will to be an emotional support might ignore or reject him as he slips into sadness. It really depends. I’d love to know how other Survivors would handle Deacon dealing with sadness.

As for calling him pretty? The thing is, I don’t think he changes his face because he thinks he’s physically ugly - he changes it to lose himself, to hide, to do his job effectively (because if he doesn’t do it effectively, the cause suffers and so do the people he cares about). I understand the sentiment behind what you’re saying - to make him feel better - but I don’t think telling him that he’s pretty as much as that his face is important, would be as fulfilling. He shouldn’t need to be pretty to have value. No one should. I don’t know what kind of dysphoria Deacon deals with, if any. He remarks on how it’s easier to look himself in the mirror after having his final affinity talk, so I assume accepting himself metaphorically and literally is part of his growth.

Maybe a post-game Survivor finds an old instant camera and takes photos with him, pinning them to walls, writing funny captions, making new memories with him and the face he’s growing into, and coming to accept, as the one he used to help save the Commonwealth.

When all is said and done, I think at a very basic level, Deacon knowing that someone that he admires, cares about him feeling sad, would be a big deal for him.

Notes:

I feel like I should clarify that I don’t generally interpret him as a fundamentally sad person. When contrasted against Preston Garvey’s very real, verbalized struggle with depression and suicidal ideation - Deacon doesn’t read in the same way to me. Sure, Deacon can experience sadness just like anyone, but when I think about characters that would benefit from extra comfort and understanding, it’s usually characters like Preston or Cait.

[rhenal]

Hello again

Wow, it’s been a year now since i last posted anything here. I’m still alive, if anyone is still here at all to care. Um. Last post I did was about the status of my mental health, so I guess a follow-up would be prudent, no?

So now it’s official. I have both Aspergers and ADHD. I thought it was just ADD, but no. The hyperactivity aspect is something I very much have. It’s just that it doesn’t manifest physically - it simply manifests mentally in that my mind is always everywhere at once - that my train of thought manifests more like a puppy on its first snow day than like an actual train.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 13 months now, but I’ve only really felt any real effect from them for the last month and a half as I finally got to change med type. The first type barely helped and gave me nightmares two nights out of three, but those things were small and irrelevant enough for me to it really bring it up until now. Because for all that time, I have been searching for and adjusting to ADHD meds as well, and you only want to sort through one set of side-effects at a time. Turns out I’m really sensitive to side effects, so finding the right type and dosage took a long time, and I’m not certain that the one I’m on now is the best choice still. 

I’m still on full-time sick leave for burnout, since February 14th last year. Currently it will last until the end of August, then we’ll reevaluate from there. Hopefully I can start studying again by that point, if only at 50%.

Turns out, it takes a really long time to recover from a bout of burnout that has had five entire years of buildup. 

So what am I doing now? Mostly just being useless. Restless but without the energy to do anything about it. I barely eat these days, and my sleep cycle is just completely nonexistent. See, in large part due to aforementioned double-whammy of Aspergers and ADHD, my capacity for self discipline is basically nil. With me being on sick leave, I have nothing that forces me to get up and do stuff. There is no reason other than my own health to get up in the morning.

Add to that the fact that both my current antidepressants and my ADHD meds lower my appetite. I do not get hungry anymore. I just get tremors in the late afternoon when I’ve forgotten to eat all day. I can go entire days where I am never ever hungry, and when I finally manage to make something to eat and force myself to just eat it dammit, I can barely get half the meal down.

My doctor has actually advised me to eat small snacks through the entire day to make up for it. You know, the thing that you’re usually heavily discouraged from doing? :’)

In conclusion, my daily life is kinda shit. I’m doing what I can to get better at it all, even going to group therapy every week, but it feels like a Sisyphean effort. 

I’m too burnt out to study or work, but without study or work, I can’t really recover properly. It’s one real bastard of a catch 22.

I’d move back home, but that’s not really an option. Not now that the family’s got a much smaller apartment. I’d have to live on the couch, in a living room with no possible way of real privacy. And I’m an introvert. I am really fortunate to have a family as loving and supportive as I do, and I love them dearly - but I NEED my space. When I went there over the winter holidays, just those two and a half weeks I was there was enough to suck me completely dry of energy. 

If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them. Because I need them desperately.

So well. That’s where I am now. 

[garbling thought-vomit about social issues and the failings of tumblr as a community below. Probably best ignored.]

So, why’d I disappear from Tumblr? Should be obvious. The state of my mental health is bad enough without having to deal with the constant anxiety of dealing with this social network. The nonexistence of nuance and the total intolerance of anything even remotely problematic. And the idea that if you like anything that has any problematic aspects in it at all, that means YOU are problematic and are to be ashamed.

It’s actually a really hostile environment for creatives. 

The pressure to be perfect and totally 100% inclusive at all times with not a nanometer’s space for human error or honest mistakes, the attitude that ‘if you’re not perfect 100% of the time always you are EVIL AND BAD AND SHALL BE SHUNNED FOREVERMORE’. 

The attitude a lot of Tumblr seem to have that the only things you are ever allowed to write or otherwise portray are essentially self-portraits because if you haven’t personally experienced it you should never ever write it ever. Kinda makes it impossible to even try to do properly inclusive work for fear of getting even a single minute detail wrong. It’s actually really really fucking hostile and I hate hate hate it. Like, I keep seeing creators of all kinds - writers, artists, cartoonists, animators and game devs alike try their very hardest to make something as inclusive and culturally diverse as they can, only to be rewarded with heaps upon heaps of abuse from Tumblr users just because they weren’t 100% perfect in every single aspect, or that their efforts were seen as ‘virtue signaling’ and are only doing it to make themselves look good and that is false and sin and to be PUNISHED.

It’s like the reward for trying your best to make something that everyone can enjoy without feeling left out is only hate and vitriol. 

(All the while creators who do not care about inclusivity at all get perhaps but a mere fraction of this abuse, I might add. It’s pretty fucking insane when you think about it.)

It’s suffocating.

And it’s total fucking bullshit.

People make mistakes. 

People change. 

And people can absolutely grow from those mistakes and be better. 

But Tumblr as a community keeps fostering this attitude that if you have ever said or done anything even remotely wrong on any level, regardless of the context or how long ago it was or how much better you have grown to be since then, once an uninformed or unthinking statement - accidental or not - always a racist. Or homophobe. Or transphobe. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist or -phobe imaginable.

I’ve been very fortunate to not really have had to endure any witch-hunt personally, but I saw them happen all the time. And it just. Well. I got really fucking tired of it, and it further worsened my mental health by quite a lot. I just cared too much that I couldn’t stop ranting about it in my head. Sometimes for days.

So I left.

Why am I back? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess I still have a lot of thoughts about things and I’ve been really isolated this last year, so I just need a place where I can put them.

I intend to go on a bit of a purge of the blogs I follow and start with a zero-tolerance policy for witch-hunting bullcrap and other drama. 

See, I have a pretty simple, straightforward moral code. It’s often difficult to follow, due to the human brain working as it does with it’s shitty, garbage, garbage ‘us vs them’ mentality, but it is something I intend do always strive for.

No one should ever be judged for that which they can not control

Ever. That includes the entire spectrum of skintones, every single possible gender identity, sexuality, romantical affiliation, neuropsychiatric status - normal or otherwise, physical condition, place of birth, state of family or culture they grew up in. Or anything else I can think of.

No one picks the toolbox they’re born with. All that should ever matter to anyone is what they build with it.

Fuck jokes about skin colour - ANY skin colour - it’s tacky and only serves to further strengthen the idea that they somehow make people fundamentally different, and that idea can get set on fire and shot into the sea. 

Yes, there are absolutely issues with the culture surrounding differences in levels of melatonin. White people like myself carry a lot of privilege in the west, and darker skinned people of all kinds absolutely do face a lot of unjust treatment in the world. No matter what country in the world you are in, that place’s “default” - how I detest that unfortunate consequence of the human brain functioning as it does - will always carry a strong privilege compared to those who do not fit that default.  But it’s all cultural. There’s nothing inherent in looking any certain way that dictates a person’t being. It’s all the norms and values of the culture they were raised in - and cultures change. It’s slow. It’s difficult. But it is absolutely a worthwhile struggle, is it not?

And, maybe a reasonable path to changing a culture to be more inclusive is to maybe not constantly call attention to such differences? Because that only strengthens the idea that the trait pointed out is ‘other’ - not part of the ‘normal’. 

And we want to widen the definition of normal to include all of us. Right? That’s pretty much this entire community’s mission statement, isn’t it?

I’m thinking that simply acting like a trait is normal, that it’s not something that’s even worth calling attention to, does a lot to normalise that trait. To help it be included within the definition of normal. 

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

And then there’s the whole thing with white guilt/cultural shame or pride or any somesuch. I have thoughts. Probably pretty controversial thoughts. So I’m preparing myself for pitchforks.

Feeling shame or guilt over whatever hand you drew in the grand lottery of genetical happenstance is just really fucking stupid. That much should be thoroughly established by now. But the thing is, so is feeling pride, for the same reason. You did fuck all to affect what you got. The deeds of your ancestors have nothing whatsoever to do with you. 

You don’t get to choose your toolbox. You can only choose what to do with it.

It feels kind of weird to condemn cultural pride as a concept like this, but I do. I really honestly do. Because it’s dumb. Incredibly hard to drop, absolutely - most of us are fed with it since birth, after all - but it’s still dumb. I mean, what on earth did anyone do to earn the culture they grew up in? Nothing. Because it’s entirely out of your hands.

Treasure your culture, absolutely! Revel in it. Learn all you want and can and strive to carry it forth to the next generation, and to teach anyone who wishes to listen. Absolutely do! Take pride in your accomplishments. Take pride in what you do to carry your culture forth into the future. Take pride in what you help others accomplish. Take pride in what you do to raise public awareness of the reality of your culture. Or your sexuality. Or gender identity. Or any other aspect of your being that is being woefully misrepresented somewhere.  But don’t take pride in simply being what you are. 

Because that’s just part of the completely random toolbox you got at birth - a toolbox you could not have possibly chosen any part of.

Taking pride OR feeling shame over things that you had no hand in is something you have no right or reason to do.

Never judge anyone - not even yourself - by what they have. Judge only by what they DO with what they have.

These thoughts have all been spawned by my time on tumblr. It’s a community that wants to be progressive and inclusive, but is much too often anything but. It’s all complaining, all vitriol, all salt, all echo chambers fostering this kind of thinking. Very little, if any, actual attempts at working towards real improvement.

I remember seeing a comic that circulated some time ago. About equality vs equity. There were these three kids standing by a fence, trying to watch a game of some sport or another taking place at the other side. They were all different height. 

In the equality picture, all three kids got a box to stand on, of equal size.

In the equity picture, they got a different amount of boxes, making it so all of them could see over the fence.

But there was a third picture. One rarely included. 

This picture adressed the fence itself. It swapped the wooden fence to a wire fence. One that all three kinds could see the game through, without any need of boxes.

That’s the kind of world I’d much rather live in. One where the barrier itself is adressed. Where there is no need for boxes to stand on. 

Yet all anyone can really, truly do, is do as Michael Jackson said, and start with the man in the mirror.

We can complain. We can decry. We can wallow. But it’s all for naught if we don’t then step up and act on it.

I'm sick and tired of the ceaseless complaining without action and the oppressive feeling of helplessness fostered here. I want to actually DO something to help the world be better. And if I’m not in a position where I can help personally, I can at least reach out to those in a position to do so.

This is why I donate to charity whenever I can afford it, despite my miniscule budget of a university student on sick leave with a lot of medical fees.

This is why I endeavor to always smile to strangers, be they the retail worker at the checkout, a simple passerby or the cold beggar on the street.

This is why I am always eager to share what I know with people who may need it, be it pointers about mental health or simply how to patch up a torn pair of pants.

All minuscule, inconsequential acts in the grand scheme of things. But it’s something. It’s my small straw, pulled to the anthill. Makes me feel just a little tiny bit less helpless about all the terrible things in the world.

Because even if it’s something small, it’s better than doing nothing. Far better than simply complaining and wallowing about a problem without ever following it up with action.

I don’t even know what I’m on about anymore. I should probably stop writing. Get something to eat. Go to sleep. Bye for now, then.

[lk-mitogen]

mental health rant

A friend of mine had an explosive breakdown at work today, and he got into a lot of trouble for it (he yelled at an R4 and an external doctor, both of which are...wayyyyyy higher up in rank than we are lmao, we’re at the bottom rung or lower). Talking to him and his girlfriend and another friend individually, I got the gist of why he did it -- his parents are divorcing, he has financial issues because of it, he’s lost faith in becoming a pediatrician and now has no idea who he wants to be, we work under insane pressure every day and no one gives a shit except when we fuck up, etc etc -- and I remembered me in my first year and a bit of med school, how I was just like that, because my own parents were divocing and it was hellish, and people came to know me as “that person who’s always fighting with the teachers” because I didn’t give a shit who you were, if you were wrong I told you and gave you twenty citations to back up my opinion, and it was just disruptive and offensive and it absolutely made me no allies.

He wasn’t wrong to get angry, to get irritated, but there are ways of expressing it that are better and more productive, but the reason I can tell that is because I’m in a better place now.

And like, he’s not the only one. My best medical school friend had a prolonged breakdown from last year until very recently, and it manifested as panic attacks and fainting spells and she would literally tell me “I have to get fresh air” and leave me alone in the emergency room with 20 patients because she just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I hated her a little bit for it, not gonna lie, she abandoned me when I really fucking needed someone to help me over and over and over, even in the middle of a goddamn surgery once, but I understood, I got it, and she got help and she’s better now, and she’s an impeccable doctor, whipsmart and attentive, I’d consult her anyday.

And like, this guy’s girlfriend has lately been complaining about nonspecific abdominal symptoms, and she keeps wanting to find a medical explanation for it, but I know it’s psychological, because she’s dealing with the same stress we’re all under PLUS her boyfriend is going absolutely nuts and in a violent way, it’s not the first time he yells at people when he’s frustrated, it’s just the first time he did it to people high enough and emotionally alien enough to him to report the shit out of him for it, and she’s his onlly emotional support, he’s the kind of boyfriend who would say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, so good luck with that sort of insane pressure, even if you have enough money to pay for your own transportation and food without difficulties like some other people have.

Another friend keeps sleeping in, she just can’t get up, I keep telling her put!! an alarm!! earlier!!! and she swears she does, but she says she can’t help herself from turning it off, because she “self-sabotages”, and it’s so!! fucking!!! frustrating!!!! because again, she leaves me to handle the 6:45 am handoff alone every. single. day. because she can’t get up and she arrives at 7:20 am with coffee and an apology and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it, because I GET IT, i really really do, she’s under a lot of stress and it manifests as self-sabotage, like, boy do I get it, I’ve been there, so I try to be kind and understanding and patient but. My god. I legit tune her out now whenever she starts apologizing because I’m 99.999% sick of it. And like! She’s a great doctor! Her bedside manner is A++ I admire her so much for it, and she genuinely cares for our patients, even the worst of the lot, I really wish I had her empathy (only not really because that’s where her self-destructive tendencies come from, I think). Basically, she’s a great person, just. Man. Wake the fuck up on time, PLEASE.

And this other guy, another part of our team, is a total flake, he keeps manifesting nonspecific symptoms like MY JAW HURTS I GOTTA GET MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT!! one day and MY ABDOMEN HURTS I CANT COME TO WORK I THINK I HAVE APENDICITIS!!! and fucking shit like this every goddamn week it’s something new, and he’s on so many different medications for depression and anxiety and sleeping and staying awake and he’s gained easily 20 kilograms this year and I feel for him, I really do, his life is spiraling out of control and he’s clawing the walls all the way down to rock bottom, and I can see it, everyone can see it, but he’s too flakey to ever get anyone on his side, and part of me wants to tell him, buddy, take a sabbatical, but the problem is, he already took one so he can’t take another, and he’s burned me too many times and not reciprocated emotionally enough for me to reach out and help him, because I will drown right alongside him at the rate he’s going.

And then my other friend!! Whom I care about! A lot!! she’s also super empathic and kind but. SHE IS. SO GODDAMN SLOW. AT EVERYTHING. In the time it takes me to see 6 patients and write their SOAP notes she’s done one, and she’s not the sharpest tool in the box, she sometimes suggests treatments that are...not the correct ones, and so I gotta go and help her out, talk it through with her so she doesn’t heck it up, and she’s super cool about it! But!!! SO GODDAMN SLOW!!!!! PLEASE! LEARN TO BE MORE EFFICIENT!!! Even though I know it’s all a symptom of burnout, too, even I’m not cold-hearted enough to not realize it.

We’re all just. Shambling through this year, trying our best, and our best manifests in different ways when under stress, sometimes it’s just showing up to work. Sometimes it’s just managing to write the note, even if it takes you hours. Sometimes it’s asking your buddy if they can cover you so you can go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and then come back. We’re all doing our absolute best to be here and attentive and empathic, and I am really proud of everyone, but I’m also really sick of being the most sane person on the team. A selfish childish part of me is like, I WANNA HAVE MY BREAKDOWN TOO DAMNIT!! But I’m too old for it, and I’ve trained myself quite well to handle my meltdowns in efficient ways, productive ways, so I can get back on the horse quickly and in a stable manner. I’m proud of me for that too, but it does get tiring, having all parts of my team leaking anxiety and depression and stress in psychosomatic ways.

So I’m going to give in to my desire right now and have a very condensed breakdown rant and hopefully get all my high octane frustration out in one go, and then parse it out once it’s text.

For the past 10 months I’ve lived through the best and worst of people. I’ve given folks CPR to the point where their ribs break under my hands, I’ve had to fist a lady’s inverted uterus back into place in the most body horror moment of my life, I legit feared for my life when this dude going through withdrawal physically threatened me, I’ve delivered an extremely deformed baby with gastroschisis manually and their guts were spilling over my hands and though it didn’t die in my arms it died about ten minutes later in mom’s and it was sad as FUCK, I’ve had 13 12 11 and 10 year old girls delivering babies because their brother cousin uncle foster dad abused them and abortion is illegal in my stupid fucking hyper catholic state and this is a never ending cycle cause mom was 14 when they had them and on and on and on, and this other time I was the only fucking doctor at a public hospital once during an overnight shift and I had to suture this guy’s toes back on having 0 prior experience suturing ANYTHING and they fell right off the next day because I didn’t know what the FUCK I was doing and I still feel fucking awful about that, and at that same fucking hospital some IDIOT put formaldehyde in a saline solution bottle and this poor surgical nurse accidentally poured it into some poor patient’s open abdominal cavity IN FRONT OF ME and the fucking suction didn’t work because that public hospital is a piece of SHIT and that patient totally died and the resident told the family it had been something else and I WAS THERE and it was BULLSHIT, and COUNTLESS other horrible, truly horrible, absolutely horrible things, and I’ve tried to take all of that shit and learn something from it, make something good come out of so much, so much, SO MUCH awful, and I’ve patiently, patiently, patiently tried to tolerate my collegue’s breakdowns, and their eternal lateness, and the residents yelling at me, and the external doctors telling us we’re never going to be anything worthy, and I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, to be honest, at this point I feel like I’ve become this politely smiling shell of myself to survive it, because a part of me feels like I’m living in an alternate dimension where morality and ethics and laws no longer exist, because they simply do not apply anymore, someone has just taken all of that important stuff and dismissed it to be kindergarden stuff, and I gotta nod and go with it or else I’m going to be my friend saying “i need air” and leaving, or “i self sabotage like this” and sleeping in, or “i think my wisdom tooth is aching” and taking the day off or just, simply, EXPLODING at everyone until they kick me out, and like

a big part of me is MOURNING the fact that I’ve become like this, that THIS is what becoming a doctor means in my country, that THIS is the type of formation they require of us. This horrible automaton of a person, that is a symbol of so much goodness but underneath it it’s all lawless shit, it’s all under the water shit, it’s all cover everyone’s fuck ups type shit. I hate it. I hate what I’m becoming. This person that can talk about all this and kind of go “yeah, I guess it’s objectively awful, but have I told you about [this even more awful event]?” because if you play that game there’s always a worse story, there’s always lower, and lower, and LOWER.

I’ll always be glad I chose to study this career, for all it’s morphed me into something I never wished to be. Because I can wade in these muddy rotten waters and help my friends and my family navigate it, I can help strangers and underprivileged people navigate it, I can help all of them from my insider privileges, to make their experience better than it would have been without me, more efficient, more smooth, more right, correct, lawful. I can’t help everyone, and I’m human and I’ll fuck up now and again too, because I’m learning, but I know, firm in my heart, that wherever I go it will be better that I was there than if I wasn’t.

Even if it’s just because the bar is so fucking low it’s difficult not to do better, believe you me, a lot of my colleagues are so fucking burnt out that they somehow still do it worse, and I’ve seen it in external doctors as well.

I’ll take all of these horrible awful no good experiences and I’m going to do better, I’m already better, I will make people have a better experience when they are going through the worst parts of their lives. Even if I had to mess myself up a lot to survive it, I think it’s worth it to spend this one life of mine doing this. I really really do.

[foundcarcosa]

“the ex gifted kid this is just an inherently privileged mindset“ (taken from this post)

See, the funny thing about this anon is that they’re talking about AP, which I didn’t even consider as a “gifted kid” thing -- the way I see it, AP was for high-schoolers who hit the books hardcore and were ambitious about their secondary education options. AP was generally a mix of hard-working students of pretty average intelligence and those hyper-intelligent slackers that coasted by on whatever it is that made their brains run like computers.

(cut for length)

I was pressured to take AP classes at the beginning of high school, but my apathy saved my ass -- I lacked the ambition to give a fuck about AP, and I started failing hardcore in regular classes (partially because I didn’t give a fuck and was preoccupied with mental stuff but also because I am just... not that fucking intelligent, not in an academic sense) which is bad enough but can you imagine how catastrophically I would have tanked in AP? Would have been a waste of everyone’s time.

Anyway, tangent aside, I know the misconception is that “ex-gifted kids” are those slackers they knew from AP who didn’t want to do all the grunt work but every once in a while they’d turn in a project and adults would ooh-and-ahh over it and laud them as a prodigy and a future Silicon Valley mogul and all this shit. And I guess there probably are some tumblr usrs running around calling themselves “ex-gifted” but having this background.

But from my experience, “ex-gifted” kids are often (often, I said; there are likely a fair amount of NT ex-gifteds too) autistic or otherwise-ND kids who were advanced in one aspect of brain development but also deficient in other aspects; the adults around them focused on the parts they were advanced in, usually flat-out ignoring the remedial development areas, or assuming that “of course they can’t socialise, they’re too smart for those other pleb children who are probably jealous*” -- and yeah, that’s a real fucked up mindset on grown folks’ part that probably doesn’t get addressed much either. I, for example, was hyperlexic and a bookish nerd to boot, and that’s apparently all it takes in the ghetto for a kid to be lauded as the smartest kid in their age group. My dad, being a damn Leo, definitely fed into this -- he was proud of me but he was proud of me for something I didn’t actually put work into doing. The things I loved doing -- drawing, for example, and singing -- didn’t get any attention because all anyone cared about was the fact that I knew the names of all the cloud formations (special interests, y’all) and I could pronounce and define multisyllabic words at age 5. (My reading comprehension was like baseline at best, though, but... no one noticed that part.)

Meanwhile, my social development was so remedial that I basically had to teach myself how not to be a raging spaz when I moved out at 17 after graduation and had to face the world at large without the guardianship of my father to fall back on. I didn’t actually start succeeding in that self-learning process until around 19-20, and right now I consider myself learnéd enough to get by, but I’m still weak in some areas, and I’m always going to be ND so that’s always going to be a struggle no matter what.

-- What first made me notice that the “gifted kid” thing was a crock of shit was when I hit high school. Shit just stopped making sense in school for me around that time; I think the one time I was on my classmates’ level was in middle school. Before that I was slightly ahead; after that I was markedly behind. Math I was all right at, I think (I just didn’t like it) but English? Science? Yeah, I couldn’t understand a goddamn thing. I got 0s on my English midterm and final in 11th grade. 0s, because I stared at the exam for 2 hours with a gaping void in my mind where the thought processes that lead to essay-writing should be. Suddenly, I might as well have been stupid, remedially stupid, because in comparison to my classmates I sure seemed that way.

That’s around the time when burnout seems to happen -- when one realises that the system and the adults around them have been lying to them. That being “gifted” is not really a thing, that we had some atypical behaviours as children, a little headstart in reading or a special interest in something that made us sound like Poindexters because we memorised the words in books and would parrot them at everyone in passing, or whatever, but that doesn’t mean anything once we’re not children anymore. That our parents (or whomever) ignored the things we were actually good at -- as in, worked at constantly because we enjoyed them, and developed real skill in as a result -- for some nebulous sense of “intelligence” that usually just inflated their own egos and gave them something to brag about at cookouts. 

That school is actually fucking difficult, and full of bullshit, and is sometimes impossible to perform in with any success if you also are struggling with nascent mental disorders, the universal hormonal surges of adolescence, and the fact that peer socialisation is only getting more and more difficult even as it’s becoming more and more important. (I happened to not have alcohol and drugs to deal with because my dad was hella strict, which I guess is a good thing in hindsight -- but I know plenty of kids ended up using those to compensate, and substances + still-developing brains = not a good look, y’all. It really can mess you up, in varying ways and intensities, and usually does.)

And then the adults around you, when you inevitably start failing, blame you for it. “You’re not working up to your potential!” “You’re so smart, why are you pretending to be stupid?” “You’re just being lazy. Just study harder!” (That last one is iffy. Sometimes we are being lazy, or apathetic, or preoccupied with like, idk, boys/girls or parties or the internet. But that’s because we’re teenagers. Duh.)

All these things combined plus a little hindsight when one is in one’s 20s can lead to some outrage. And a lot of former “gifted kids” are working through that outrage. It doesn’t mean that they’re going to be blaming their problems on that part of their life forever. But it does mean that brain development doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and everything contributes. This is one thing that often goes overlooked, probably because everyone assumes that smart people (or so-called smart people) don’t have problems and the world bends to accommodate them, or whatever. I don’t know what y’all think.

I came out ... relatively all right in this area because of apathy, and because other things in my life seemed to have more of an impact. Also because I have no interest in being “intelligent” or anything, so it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I am or not. But I see how this shit happens, and I promise you it’s real.

*Also, when other children do become envious of “gifted” kids, it has nothing to do with thinking those kids are smarter than them -- it has a lot more to do with those kids being set apart and given special treatment just because they can do math better or whatever, which enforces a “they’re better than you” mentality that sometimes fucks those kids over later. Everyone gets fucked by the gifted-kid system in some way.

[zorilleerrant]

No Flams Prepz

“Alright, Francis, tell me what you like to do with your free time,” the therapist said.

“I told you already,” Hotstreak said, “flaming.”

“Well, alright, Flaming,” the therapist said, “I can call you that, but you have to do something for me, too, okay? Can we make that deal?”

“What the fuck?” Hotstreak said.

The therapist sighed. “I’ll call you whatever you want to be called. I can do that, right, because we have a little give and take here. And you can answer some questions.”

“My name is Hotstreak,” Hotstreak said.

“But you just,” the therapist pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, okay, then, Hotstreak. Can you answer a couple of my questions?”

Hotstreak snorted. “I already was answering your questions.”

“Yes. Alright. Good.” The therapist smiled a little too broadly. “What were we talking about again?”

“Hobbies,” Hotstreak said, with a sharp nod.

“Hobbies,” the therapist repeated. “Hobbies. Do you have any hobbies?”

“Uh, yeah,” Hotstreak said, “I’ve told you this, like, twenty-six times. Yeah, I have hobbies. I like my hobbies.”

The therapist nodded, jotting this down. “Care to elaborate?”

Hotstreak pulled a face. “Doesn’t that mean ‘spit’ or something.”

The therapist sighed again. “Tell me what your hobbies are, Fra- Hotstreak.”

“I said already,” Hotstreak said, “I like flaming people.”

The therapist frowned, trying not to scowl. “Now, we’ve talked about this. And you said you were trying to stay away from crime. And you’ve been following the law, right?”

“Ugh,” Hotstreak said, “not, like, lighting people on fire, just flaming them, god.”

“Okay,” the therapist said, “tell me how you ‘flame’ them without hurting them. Is it just to scare them, or why do you do it?”

“No, I, like,” Hotstreak said, “oh my satan do you even have a computer.”

“I do,” the therapist said, “would you like to use it?”

“Well, yeah,” Hotstreak said.

“I tell you what,” the therapist told him, “how about you talk with me just five minutes longer, then you can use the computer for a bit.”

“Uh, well, I need the computer, to show you how to flame someone, okay,” Hotstreak said. “You can’t just, like…do it.”

“Okay,” the therapist said, opening his computer, “show me, then.”

Hotstreak spent the next ten minutes composing a scathing message to someone the therapist wasn’t familiar with, apparently in response to some sort of story he’d read earlier in the week. As the therapist read it over, he noticed that it was not only quite lengthy, almost 2000 words, but actually very well structured in the typical format of an essay. It wasn’t quite as lyrical as most people aimed for in an assignment, and certainly had quite a lot of typos, but the bare bones were quite compelling. The therapist wasn’t sure whether the grammar was wrong, or whether the words were intentionally being used in completely novel ways.

After all, he’d had no idea what a ‘flame’ was.

“There,” said Hotstreak, when he was done, a look of satisfaction on his face.

“Impressive,” the therapist said.

Hotstreak quickly covered his look of surprise. “Yeah?”

“Well, you didn’t seem to like schoolwork, so I never suggested this,” the therapist said.

“Yeah, I don’t,” Hotstreak agreed, “school is for preps.”

“But you seem to enjoy writing nonetheless,” the therapist added.

Hotstreak shrugged. “I guess.”

“Well, writing can be very therapeutically helpful, you know,” the therapist said.

Hotstreak shrugged again. “Whatever.”

“No, tell me, Hotstreak,” the therapist said, “how do you feel when you write?”

“I don’t know,” Hotstreak said, “good. Powerful. Like, I can say whatever I want, and they can’t stop me, and everyone can see what I wrote anyway. Then they know what I mean.”

The therapist nodded, smiling slightly. “And it only works when you, uh, ‘flame’, as it were? Have you tried writing other things?”

“Like what, poetry?” Hotstreak started laughing.

“Not at all, Hotstreak,” the therapist said. “You certainly could write poetry if you wanted to, and if you’re interested, I can find you some books – I assure you, it’s not all the dry and formulaic model you’ve read in school. I meant, perhaps, essays.”

“Essays?” Hotstreak repeated.

“Yes, you seem talented at forming cogent arguments,” the therapist said.

“I don’t know what that word means, but I know people who say it like that mean my writing is bad,” Hotstreak said.

“You know how to get your point across,” the therapist clarified.

Hotstreak nodded. “Well, yeah. That’s why people listen to me. Or used to.”

“Have you tried convincing people of, oh, whatever’s on your mind, I suppose,” the therapist suggested, “because you may find it both relaxing and an easier way to complete your studies than perhaps approaching them directly.”

Hotstreak waved a hand. “Of course I do, that’s why I tell people when their stories are awful. I mean, why do you think I was doing it?”

The therapist nodded. “And did you try telling people you like their stories?”

“Yeah?” Hotstreak sighed. “But there isn’t much to say, you know? It’s just, hey, man, I like this, but then you feel like a stupid poser.”

“Well, then, perhaps you should make a list of the things you like, and then write it the same way as the ‘flames’ you enjoy so much,” the therapist suggested.

Hotstreak scowled at him. “If I could just pick out what was good in a story, I could write my own, couldn’t I?”

The therapist hesitated a moment, stunned. “Would you like to?”

“Fuck yeah,” Hotstreak said, “stories are hot shit.”

“I see,” the therapist said. “Well, perhaps the best thing to do is just write one.”

“Why, so it can suck and people can flame me?” Hotstreak snapped.

“Well, perhaps,” the therapist said, “if you’d like to start arguments with them, or you could write it for yourself, and find which places work and which don’t, what you enjoy writing, what your own personal style is, what sort of narrative you – ”

“That sounds awesome,” Hotstreak agreed.

The therapist beamed.

“I totally want to start arguments with random people who flame my stuff,” Hotstreak said, beaming right back at the therapist.

 Hi my name is Francis F-Stop Hotstreak Burnout Stone and I have spiky fire red hair (that’s how I got my name) with blond streaks and gelled up to look like fire and black eyes like an abyss of despair and a lot of people tell me I look like Johnny Storm (AN: if u don’t know he is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to The Rock but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a Bang Baby but I’m straight and white. I look completely human. I’m also a wizard, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a villain (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly fire looking stuff. I love military surplus stores and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a deep red shirt that clung to my sculpted muscles and loose army green pants slung low on my hips, with my underwear showing and classic Vans. I was wearing just a little bit of eyeliner and mascara to make my eyes pop but nothing gay or anything. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no static, which I was very happy about. A lot of superheroes stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Francis!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…Gear!

“What’s up Gear?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my gang call me and I had to go away.