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juniorgman187 · 4 years ago

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About Time (Reid Fic)

Summary: Reader’s offer to help Morgan renovate one of his properties makes Spencer jealous enough to confess what he never could before.

A/N: I try to avoid specific Reid eras in my works so that it can be up to you how you imagine him, but please just imagine seasons 1 or 2 Spencer - I’m telling you it’ll make the experience richer. Also, I might improve this fic in the near future bc I’m not entirely happy with it. Category: Drabble, Fluff Pairing: Fem!Reader x Spencer Reid Content Warning: None Word Count: 2.5k Playlist: Would You Be So Kind by Dodie

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　

Clink … Clink … Clink …

The repetitive noise was barely discernible at first, then it became all that I could focus on.

In an attempt to find the source, I looked up from my paperwork and scanned the room. It only took me half a second to discover that Morgan was the culprit.

From across the round table, I watched as Derek absentmindedly stirred his coffee and sugar together, making a ‘clink’ noise each time his spoon hit the rim of the cup. This wouldn’t have been bothersome had it not persisted for more than 10 minutes which, by all accounts, is plenty of time for the sugar to dissolve.

“Derek… ” I sort of sang, trying to capture his attention as nicely as possible.

“Derek.” I repeated, this time a little less quietly and a little more sharply. Still, my voice did nothing to stop the noisy stirring of his coffee. I stayed silent for a second, just in case he finally noticed I was speaking to him, but when he didn’t, I gave a concerned look to Spencer beside me as if to ask if he was seeing what I was and he returned just the same expression of confusion.

That’s when I knew something was wrong.

“Derek!” I said even louder, finally catching his attention.

His head snapped in my direction, his ghost-like countenance falling away after looking directly at me. I was relieved to see proof of life had been regained behind his eyes. The abrupt reaction made me squint harder in his direction to decipher what was truly going on. “Is everything okay? You were kind of zoning out just now.”

He sighed while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “It’s nothing. I just had a late night last night and I didn’t go to bed till three this morning.”

“Oh?” I asked coyly. “And what was her name?” I brought my mug to my lips to hide my growing smirk behind the rim.

He didn’t catch on right away, which to me was more than enough evidence that he wasn’t well. He was usually the first to be aware of an innuendo, maybe even the one to be making it. “Whose name?”

“The girl that kept you up till three this morning.” I mimicked his voice in crude yet playful imitation.

To this, he shook his head and rolled his eyes with a grin. “Alright, get your pretty lil’ head out of the gutter, Kitten. I was busy fixing up a property I got down in Emporia. Lost track of time. That’s all.”

Whether or not he was hiding something more, I didn’t care anymore. He’d piqued my interest in this new topic. “Emporia? That’s like 2 or 3 hours away.”

His eyebrows lifted in agreement. “Yeah, like I said - late night.”

Not even trying to tempt him with my words, I simply remarked, “But I mean it can’t be that hard though, right? Fixing up the house?”

There was no verbal response from him, only a mirthless chuckle.

I was less careful with my words than I should’ve been, letting them flow through my mouth without filtering them first. “I’m just saying, I worked with Habitat For Humanity for years. We built thousands of houses from scratch, each of them within a matter of days.”

He sat up in his seat and leaned forward to assert himself. It was nearly the same mannerisms he would display in an interview when he wanted to maintain dominance. “Well, that’s because you got how many people working on one house?”

When I didn’t answer, he simply tapped the table and leaned back comfortably in his seat, prematurely relishing in a self-proclaimed victory. “Yeah, exactly. Whereas, it’s just little ol’ me fixing up these properties.”

“Okay, then I’ll help you.”

He only snickered in response, lending way for me to believe he didn’t trust that I’d provide any sort of productive assistance.

“I will!” I insisted. “Since you’re so convinced those houses were only built as fast as they were because it was a group effort, I want to prove to you that it’s actually because I’m just a fast worker.”

“It’s not a race, Kitten. All I said was it took me a while to fix up the house. I don’t need you to help. And I wouldn’t be paying you even if you did, by the way.”

“Oh, I’m not doing this for money,” I reasserted. “I’m doing this for pride. I know I’m right, and I want you to know it, too.”

It’s worth mentioning that Derek and I made these kinds of bets all the time. Our friendship was practically built on the foundation of competition. The first interaction I ever had with him was when he came up to me while I was arranging my desk to ask what I thought the odds were that he could toss his paper ball into the trashcan across the bullpen.

Years Ago . . .

“What are the chances I’ll make the shot?” I heard a deep, unfamiliar voice inquire from behind me.

“You’re aiming for the trashcan all the way over there? No way.” This voice I knew was Elle’s. She’d been the second person to introduce herself to me and if I had to guess, the deeper voice belonged to the guy I recalled sitting diagonally from her. I made eye contact with him when I initially walked in, but he hadn’t taken the time to introduce himself to me, nor I to him. He seemed a little preoccupied … making a paper ball and all.

“Actually, if Morgan’s throw had specific arc, the trajectory of the ball would -”

“He’s not making it, Reid.” Elle cut off the small, almost mousy voice promptly, shutting down any ‘pro-Morgan-making-the-shot’ argument he was about to make.

You could get a lot from just listening. Some might call it eavesdropping, but I like to call it being observant, and from what I’d observed

A) The one throwing the ball was Morgan.

B) The smart-sounding one was Reid.

C) Reid was a proponent of Morgan, so I could assume they were close friends.

D) There were three very distinct, very different personalities in this general vicinity of desks alone.

“O’ ye of little faith! Gimme a break, Elle. You’re just busting my balls ‘cause Reid came to me about Lila before he came to you.”

“That has nothing to do with the fact that I’m right.”

“No, but it means you have bias.” Derek retorted.

“Fine then. If it means that much to you to have an unbiased opinion, let’s ask someone impartial - like Anderson.”

“Actually, I have a better idea,” The deep voice said as soon as I’d placed the last item on my desk - a stack of sticky notes in the shape of a cat’s face that’d been gifted to me the moment I exited the elevator by Penelope Garcia.

“Excuse me, Kitten,” The deep voice purred. “You think I could get this ball into that trash bin right over there?”

It took me a second to register that he was addressing me until I realized where the nickname originated from and that it had belonged to me - I could thank Penelope for that.

“Oh, um …” I looked around the room like somehow it would have my answer. In some ways, it did.

I made contact with Reid first. He smiled weakly at me with tender awkwardness that melted my heart a little bit. Meanwhile, Elle’s eyes were luring me to join her on the dark side and say he wouldn’t make it. To be fair, riling him up seemed like fun. I’d be on Elle’s good side, gain her approval, and if I executed my jest playfully enough, I’d be on Morgan’s good side, too.

“No shot in hell, big guy.”

Present Time . . .

That’s how it all started - this sibling-like rivalry. Ever since then, we’ve been challenging each other like our lives depended on it. And if I had to make it my life’s mission to win this most recent bet, then so be it.

“Alright, kitten, I’ll take you up on that offer. I’ll pick you up at 9 on Saturday.”

We sealed the deal with a cross-table handshake, and at that moment, I hadn’t realized it - only when I thought back to it, did I notice - Reid had been watching the entire interaction unfold. Misinterpreting every painstaking second of it.

_ _ _

Sticking true to his word, Derek had taken up my offer in spades. Not the least bit shy in delegating me each and every duty there could possibly be.

I’ll admit, he used my pride to his advantage. Because while I was practically doing all the handy-work imaginable inside the property, he was resting on his laurels outside, probably taking up the view of rolling green hills that went on forever just beyond the front yard.

It just so happened that that would be our maintained, respective locations for the unexpected arrival of Derek’s very first (very unhappy) guest.

I was inside painting when I heard the placid squeak of Derek getting up from his Adirondack chair on the wraparound porch. I remember peeking my head out of the doorway for a second to see if he was finally going to come inside and help me, but lo and behold, I caught him walking further away from the entrance. While I might’ve given an eye roll of annoyance at the action, I thought nothing of it. Not until I heard Derek speaking to an eerily familiar secondary voice.

“What are you doing here?” I could hear Derek ask. My ears had perked up like a dog on high alert.

“Don’t play dumb. You’re trying to … to -” The second voice stammered.

“Spit it out, kid!”

“You’re trying to steal my girl!” Whoever it was, was desperate to speak with conviction, maybe even malice, to prove some level of strength that could match Derek’s, but they tried and failed.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Steal your girl? What the hell are you talking about, man?”

“You know I like her! And yet you’re just hanging out with her alone now? On one of your desolate properties? Can’t you see how suspicious that looks? You’re supposed to be my friend.”

I’d stopped painting completely at this point so I could take asylum behind the closed door. I could place that voice anywhere, and I needed to press my ear against the only thing separating it from me to confirm what I already knew.

“Reid, I am your friend,” And there it was. Reid? “And as your friend, I’m telling you: lower your voice unless you want her to hear you.”

“Don’t patronize me. Just tell me,” Spencer, if anything, spoke louder. Perhaps he did want me to hear him, or he simply wanted to defy Derek. “Why do you flirt with her?”

“Flirt?” Derek seemed appalled at the word. It would’ve been offensive that he was disgusted at the thought of engaging with me in that manner had I not felt the same way. What we were doing was not flirting - by any stretch of the imagination.

“You know what I’m talking about. You call her ‘Kitten,’ you both make sexual innuendos that you think fly over my head, you invite her to come over.”

“Slow your roll, Pretty Boy. First of all, ‘Kitten’ is just a nickname I gave her the first time we met because I didn’t know what her actual name was. You know that - you were there. Second, the sexual innuendos are just playful jabs at the fact that I sleep around. Low hanging-fruit. Third, inviting her to come over might seem suspicious, but if you walk in there right now, you’ll see that nothing is going on between us. She’s just here to help.”

I wanted any excuse to walk out there myself and announce my nearby presence. Confront Spencer and tell him I heard everything. Ask him where any of this was coming from. How he could think, for even a second, that there was something between me and Morgan.

Turns out, I didn’t need an excuse. I had already walked out.

Spencer gulped hard when he saw me. And for that I felt sorry for him. He looked so unlike himself. His hair was disheveled like he’d ran his fingers through it a million times out of stress. His outfit was strangely untidy, the buttons of his cuff unclasped. “Could you ... did you-”

“I heard everything,” I clarified to the dumbfounded shell of a man standing at the base of Morgan’s stairs.

It was a triangle of stares between us all. Exchanging quizzical glances in a battle of wills to see who would fold first. I was looking at Reid, Reid was looking at me, then he looked at Morgan, who looked back at him, then at me. Like I said, a triangle of stares.

“Um ... I’ll leave you two to talk. I’ll just be inside.”

I suppose there were worse ways to finally get Morgan off his ass and working.

Reid trailed Morgan with his eyes, while I simply waited for the sound of the door shutting behind me. It took a few more seconds until one of us had the gall to speak.

“Did you mean what you said? About liking me?” This question that I posed went unanswered for what felt like minutes. Looking at Reid, I could tell he wanted to say something, he just didn’t know what.

The soul was willing, but the flesh was weak.

“If you’re not ready to admit it, that’s okay. But then why did you really come here, Spencer? To yell at Morgan for possibly making a move on me? Because now’s your chance. Make your move, Spence.” I descended the stairs, stopping to stand on the very last step so I’d hover a mere inch above him. “Make a move.”

Make a move, he did.

Warm, clammy hands that were disproportionately bigger than the rest of his body caught my face so that unbelievably, inconceivably soft lips could make their fierce attack with no resistance. His fingers laced through my hair until his hand found the nape of my neck. He used that as leverage to pull me impossibly closer.

When he was just one step away from sucking my soul out of me, I laid my palm on his chest and pushed him slightly backward. I think I heard him laughing when I did this, probably to hide the shame of letting himself commit so fully to the moment that he forgot just how intense his passion was.

His eyes fluttered open and his lips were still contorted in a pucker. It took him a second, but it finally came.

“I meant what I said,” He confessed ever so nonchalantly as though it were the easiest thing in the world to him, despite being unable to come even close to admitting it just minutes before. “I like you. A lot.”

It was me who laughed then, both from the sheer elation hearing him say that brought me and the distant, exasperated comment that came from within the house.

“Well, finally! It’s about damn time!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

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iamanartichoke · 4 years ago

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I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons.

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length.

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could.

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’ is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it).

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.)

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here.

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1.

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions.

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.)

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already.

Ragnarok

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me).

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things.

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown.

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end.

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother,

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers)

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence)

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person.

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]).

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned.

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself.

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.)

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative.

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore,

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here).

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.)

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions?

What about all the loose threads in his story?

For example, how did he get from:

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc)

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.)

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory.

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary.

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled.

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue.

This could have been accomplished with -

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?"

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place).

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever.

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want.

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield.

But, I mean

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.)

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3

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soft-for-them · 4 years ago

Text

the bau bet ♡ spencer reid x reader

anon: hi friend ( i hope is okay i call you friend bc i call everyone friend ) i would like to request something for Spencer from Criminal Minds with a reader who has plps? you already wrote about it and did so well so i'd love to read more on that. maybe something wholesome where Spencer and the reader live together (can be romantic or platonic i really don't mind either) and it's just domestic fluffiness with the little hindrances of the disability? I would love that! thank youuuu

the reader is gender neutral and has plp but apart from that any person can read this,

sorry this request is a bit late! not proof read.

There was a bet going on within the BAU to do with their fellow behavioral analysis Spencer Reid and his long time friend and room mate (y/n) (l/n).

It was a simple bet that Derek Morgan and Penelope Garcia had started way back in the early days when Gideon and Elle were still around. Everyone knew that (y/n) and Spencer would eventually end up together, people were just betting on when they would realise there love for each other.

Even with members of the team leaving and new members arriving, everyone joined in on the bet. Even Hotch had money on it.

Of course Spencer knew of the bet.

However, he couldn’t fathom the idea of him and his best friend romantically together. Maybe it was because Spencer had been friends with them for so many years or maybe it was because he was already in love with them without even realising it.

Regardless of what it was, someone was going to win the bet and a lot of money was going to be won.

You lie across the sofa, your right leg numb, on the tv is a repeat of a show you like. Your neck aches as you watch the flashing screen.

The flicker of the screen covers your face in pale light in the darkening room. The sun is setting and your work clothes are still on,

The click of the front door to your shared flat catches your attention, your roommate and longtime friend Spencer Reid walking through.

‘(Y/n)? Are you ok?’ Spencer calls as he neatly arranges both yours and his shoes in row, he flicks on the main light of the flat.

‘Just my leg.’ you lift your arm up, waving above the sofa for Spencer to see.

Place his belongings down on a side table he walks over to you to sit on the sofa. You shift your body upwards, sitting up, he sits down close to you.

‘Having fun watching Sabrina the teenage witch?’

‘I was watching (show) but now it’s just Sabrina, I don’t mind it though.’ you voice is hoarse and tired sounding.

Spencer can tell straight away that something has happened at work.

‘What’s happened?’ He makes you look at him as he asks.

You mutter something which Spencer doesn’t hear the first time around.

‘Pardon, can you repeat that?’ he has such a kind and caring look on his face which just makes you speak up.

‘I feel over at work in front of everyone.’ your face is all scrunched up like an upset child, ‘And the new guy laughed at me.’

You start babbling about how no one had informed the new guy of your plp and how he thought it was really funny when you, as he put it, ‘comically tripped over.’

Spencer through out the rant comforts you with kind words. As you talk the feeling comes back into your leg. You stop talking and look at the handsome man in front of you,

‘Do you want a hug?’ Spencer asks knowing that you will gladly take one.

You wrap your arms around the thin man, his head on top of yours. His arms go around you and you can feel his finger ghosting over your back in comforting circles.

He talks as you’re being hugged, you can feel the vibrations of his speech as your face nestles into his neck.

There is something there between you two as you hug but as soon as you leave the hug the different feeling will disappear.

The hug is short but it give you a good dose of serotonin.

‘Do you want me to cook tonight?’ Spencer asks despite it being your night to cook for the two of you, ‘You go and run yourself a bath.’

‘You sure?’ you ask as you get up and stretch.

‘I’m sure!’ he gives his big smile that makes you automatically smile.

Both of you leave each other's presents, Spencer locating to the kitchen and you to the bathroom, the fluttery feelings of butterflies in your stomach.

The night before’s meal made by Spencer had filled you up making sleep much easier.

However, there was an odd feeling throughout the dinner. Something more intimate and dare say it, romantic.

A simple pasta dish paired with the buzzing of Sabrina the teenage witch in the background created a near perfect atmosphere that made both of you all gooey inside.

But now it’s the morning and you’re juggling dressing trying to keep on time.

Spencer waits by the door, he hasn’t put on his shoes yet, but he’s ready to go.

He laughs as he sees you hobble out the bathroom frantically tucking in your work shirt into your trousers.

‘Spencer do you know where my keys are?’ you search for the allusive object with no luck.

‘In your bag.’ Spencer calmly says.

‘But I don’t have my bag!’ you hands go in your hair in frustration, you truly did over sleep and secretly Spencer did let you sleep in.

‘Here-’ Spencer walks over and gives you your over the shoulder bag, ‘I packed it for you whilst you dressed.’

A small ‘thanks’ comes from your lips as you take the bag from his hands, your fingers brush over hims ever so slightly.

‘We’re not going to be late.’ he says as you both go to put on your shoes.

‘You better be right Doctor Reid!’ you say in a funny voice as you fish out your keys to unlock the front door.

‘Spencer come on!’ you call walking in front of said man.

Both of you are walking to catch the train. It’s a thing you do most days when Spencer is off on a case.

You would get on the same train, Spencer would then walk you to your place of work and then hop on the next train to the BAU.

It was the ordinary and it always helps to have a person around when one of your limbs become numb.

You bob up and down at the bottom of the stairs leading down to the train station. You’re both trying to beat the morning rush and get a seat for yourself.

‘I’m going as fast my body can take me with out tripping up (y/n).’ Spencer calls as he descends the steps.

When he gets down to you he nudges his shoulder to yours, a small gesture that you two do to one another.

But lately Spencer has been having the urge to hold your hand. You two always stand so close and the weather has been getting colder.

However, Spencer erases the feelings by putting a pair of gloves on.

You stand side by side on the platform waiting for your train.

‘Wait at at work today, I want to walk with you home tonight.’

‘But what if I have a case?’

‘Then you’ll text me like you normally do!’

‘Oh ok.’ His voice is interrupted but the bellowing of the train stopping.

The doors open and people flood out, he wait and allows you to get on first.

You sit down on a seat, Spencer stands guard next you ready to defend you from the idiots on the train who think you’re undeserving of said seat.

You hold you visitor pass as you walk through the BAU, familiar face greet you as the daylight begins to fade.

You’ve been thinking about it all day, it’s been distracting you from your work.

The sudden realisation of how much you like like Spencer Reid.

It hit you like a tone of bricks whilst your boss was having a group meeting with everyone.

Somehow something had reminded of your dear friend and that had led you to realise that you think of him too much. Thus it dawning on you that you might really like him as more than a friend.

All day you have been like a zombie but rather thinking about eating brains yo only been thinking about Spencer. And now you normally happy walk has turned into one of shame, for now you need to hide your feelings from a floor of behavioral analysis.

‘Fuck.’ you mutter as an agents holds the door open for you, they give you an odd look but you quickly say your thank yous.

You thoughts are simple; one hand you can tell Spencer you discovered feelings and ‘mess everything up’ or you can try and hind everything from him and then ‘mess everything up’ that way.

You swear some more under your breath but as soon as you entre the bullpen containing Spencer and his fellow agents you turn from sweary to smiley.

The kind of forced smile combined with Spencer looking at you with a horrified look quietens the room.

JJ and Hotch stop talking even Rossi pokes his head out of his office.

‘H-hi (y/n) you’re a bit early.’ Spencer stammers.

‘Well you look ready.’ you point to his bag over his shoulder.

Spencer stands as you get closer to him.

Both of you want the same thing, you both want walk out together holding hands.

‘I’m going to cook tonight, if that’s ok with you?’ you ask, Spencer’s hands getting closer to yours.

You look down at his hand so close to yours and you take the leap of faith and grab it.

His fingers automatically intertwine with yours, you squeeze it with a degree of happiness.

It’s a small gesture but it conveys your feelings.

‘Does this mean someone is going to win the bet?’ you ask with a smile.

‘You know about that?’ Spencer askes.

‘I assumed that there was one with how nosey all your friends are.’

A simple ‘oh’ comes from Spencer’s mouth as you two walk out the doors hand in hand.

‘By the way how was your work day?’

‘Finished that big assignment and only with one numb limb.’

Your voices trail off as the rest of the BAU gather around.

‘Who won the bet!’ Garcia Emily asks as Garcia searches through her laptop records.

‘Let me see- Ah- found it-’ Garcia brings up the results, ‘Damn it Gideon won!’

Grones of annoyance ring out.

hope this is ok and i also hope that i did an ok job and portraying plp even if it isn't the main thing.

to the people who have no clue what plp here’s how the person who requested the derek morgan x reader with plp said:

‘Basically people with PLP experience loss of muscle strength in the legs and arms at random times, usually one limb at a time. It may be triggered through sudden scares but can also happen without trigger. The limb goes numb and the person can’t use it for a random timespan, which can differ from around 10 minutes to several hours. There’s no known reason yet; doctors assume it’s psychosomatic like a tinnitus.’

this is gender neutral but if there’s any gendered language please message me and i’ll fix it.

also i like gideon and i needed to mention him and elle!

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid & reader #x female reader #x male read #x nonbinary reader #x petite reader #x tall reader #x plus size reader #x chubby reader #plp #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader

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ginjointsintheworld · 3 years ago

Note

Seeing how Leyla discovered the secret and Floyd being all casual about it. I think Casey's reaction was a little overboard and a bit self-righteous.

Giving donations to secure a spot is certainly a common thing in NA, so it was not that big of a deal.

We can argue that it was selfish and she should have told Leyla, but Casey calling it immoral and saying he's lost all respect for her was over the top.

That scene could have been better written. How did he even know that Leyla was the fifth resident? Is there a way to know that?

How did Floyd know someone paid for her spot? I think maybe the list of matched residents is usually posted on the hospital website or noticeboards.

There are so many plot holes.

anon 2:

I'm having a bit of a late realization. After floyd told leyla about the fifth spot I assumed he also knew who did it. but maybe he doesn't? Do you think he knows it's Lauren? Maybe not but then how did he make sense of it though?

anon 3:

I never even considered that Floyd would be the mole and I hope Lauren doesn’t take her anger out on him. I can see her blaming him as a way not to confront her own guilt and with Casey gone, that’s too much isolation. Also, I thought it was a small donation but if the other doctor’s parents donated a building then it’s at least six figures. Imagining Leyla bringing that up and asking Lauren what she thinks she’s worth is something I hope never happens. I want them to fight but so many things they could say would just be salt on the wound. And a teary, silent fight won’t do either because they’re both so good at looking wounded, it’ll be worse. I’m not ready for episode 10 at all!

anon 4:

little anon from europe here so i’ve only watched the new episode now. something i don’t understand is how did floyd know about the fifth spot? i mean if he knows, it means that probably everyone knows in the hospital no? bc we know lauren didn’t tell him and it didn’t sound like he thought he was telling leyla something secret or confidential. it sounded like he assumed leyla knew, and so i’m guessing everyone in the hospital knows or has heard of the rumor? which sounds odd bc casey didn’t know at all. i mean, if it was a rumor or something that traveled around in the hospital/different departments and wards then the ed staff would have heard too no? i don’t know if i’m making any sense haha it just seems odd how casually floyd told leyla

hope you guys don't mind me consolidating these on one ask. y'all all had the same galaxy brain moment fksjdlfds.

first things first, i think floyd knows that leyla was the 5th resident instead of one of the first 4 selected because.... the plot says so fjskfs. i genuinely don't think the writers thought that one through. tbh doctors in other departments probably don't care much about the business or staff count outside of their own world. that doesn't mean someone can't notice and word meanders around but it seems like one of those things that you just kind of raise an eyebrow at then shrug it off and forget by lunch time.

case and point, in casey's first conversation with lauren in 4x08 he did say it was odd that they have 5 residents even though that's never happened before but obviously hadn't put much thought into it until lauren snapped and got defensive which gave him pause. if you had asked casey the order of acceptance into the residency program before 4x08, i don't think he'd rank leyla last. the reason he made the assumption that she's the 5th resident is because of how twitchy lauren got and of course with leyla having a personal connection to her, it's not a far jump to make.

in casey's defense too, he knows a vital piece of information that i really don't think floyd does, which is that lauren made a donation for that 5th spot. floyd is a pretty positive person so i could see him just reasoning that leyla had such a strong and impressive application that the residency director created a 5th spot for her because who would pass up an applicant like that? even despite the last case he's heard of was nottingham's family paying for it because... well that's a lot of money and just because that's how it happened once doesn't mean it's a standard. which btw, i don’t think lauren will be angry at floyd for his comment. he meant no harm when he said it and didn’t even know about lauren’s involvement. plus, she knows she’s the one at fault for doing it in the first place. meanwhile casey knows it wasn't morally sound AND that /leyla/ doesn't know lauren did it. i assume even nottingham knew what his family did (i think... i vaguely remember this storyline from s1 but not enough to recall details). so i get casey's disappointment. i do however still have gripes with him going as far as to say it was immoral and that when the staff finds out they'll lose all respect for her. that felt particularly harsh given that he didn’t even try to hear her out.

as for how much the donation was... i figured it was in the 6 figures and leyla’s ‘jfc that’s a lot of money’ reaction to lauren saying fuentes cut $250k from the ED budget lowkey indicated to me in that horrible, horrible, foreshadowing way that the donation was north of that amount. in terms of peak dramatic and angsty blow out i could see leyla demanding to know how much lauren donated not because of the dollar value of the money itself but that lauren could make such a large financial decision that impacted leyla without telling her about it. ugh. there’s inevitably going to be salt on the wound no matter what and i’m not prepared for the heartbreak that’s going to be painted on their faces.

#anon #asks

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scintfms · 4 years ago

Text

hi kids ! wow , we’re already at opening and that’s so crazy ! i’m kofi , your co - admin , and i’m so excited that you guys are here ! i’m 23 , from the est tz , prefer she / they pronouns and i graduate from college in a little more than seven months ... yikes . that being said , i’m ready to introduce you guys to my latest muse , who may have huge development changes as we go on because of him being brand new , mr . saint moon ! he’s um ... something of a mess and idk if i love or hate him yet , but i’m happy to plot with ya’ll on my d.iscord @ 𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐜𝐲.#4090 !

( lee juyeon , 22 , cis male , he / him ) * fun fact about me ? okay , let’s see . . . an injury stopped my promising olympic career . crazy , right ? i’m saint moon , i live in the contemporary new build with a three thousand square foot outdoor patio on ocean lane in key biscayne , & not to brag , but my family’s worth around $740 million . pretty decent for real estate and construction developers , huh ? we’ve been around for some time , but in town , everyone’s always associated me with the gatsbys ; but it’s not like that’s my whole identity , or anything . while filming for key biscayne , it was surprising when i’d get dragged on twitter for being “ errant , impetuous , & rancorous , ” but the cameras don’t see everything , & my real fans know that i’m nothing but coolheaded , venturesome , & enamoring . i’m not too bothered by it though , because since the series ended , i’ve opened a highly successful café in south korea and planning to expand to the states . follow me on instagram @SNT.MN to keep up .

name : saint moon .

nickname(s) : none .

age + date of birth : 22 + july 19th , 1998 .

astrological sign : cancer .

myers - briggs personality type : infj .

enneagram type : the individualist .

moral alignment : chaotic neutral .

gender + pronouns : cis man + he / him / his .

place of birth : gangnam , south korea .

place of residence : key biscayne , florida .

sexual orientation : bisexual .

romantic orientation : biromantic .

occupation : former reality star / instagram influencer / café owner .

nationality : korean .

ethnicity : korean .

language(s) spoken : korean , english , japanese , and learning mandarin .

social media handle : @SNT.MN

THE BACKSTORY .

saint’s story starts when his parents , moon ji - ho and park soo - ah went on their first date . in truth , it had been a rare instance of love at first sight when they bumped into each other at ji - ho’s office in seoul , and the date was only used to solidify their feelings . you see , ji - ho and soo - ah were fairly well known with ji - ho being the second heir to moon industries alongside his sister , moon eun - ha . moon industries was founded in the 1940s , and is known primarily for their real estate and construction business . the company was founded in seoul , and originally started out by purchasing and renovating beautiful homes and condominiums within the city . after thirty years in the business , ji - ho and eun - ha’s father was one of the first in south korea to reach the status of billionaire .

ji - ho and soo -ah were looking to forge their own path , though . although they were lucky enough to have wealthy parents , both of them have always liked the idea of working for themselves and getting their hands dirty . so , they refused ji - ho’s father’s investment and decided to start their own real estate firm . they went through the process of obtaining their real estate license in both south korea and the united states , specifically in florida . after studying hard , they were able to open moon real estate , and it was a hassle for them . they initially ‘ struggled ’ seeing as though they were their only employees , and soon , soo - ah discovered that she was pregnant with their son .

for four years , they worked hard with their bumbling baby boy , saint , crawling at their feet and curiously looking at home or building buyers . for a long time , they considered saint to be their closer as he was the selling point and allowed people to hold him while looking at the home . usually , soo - ah would use saint as a marketing ploy whenever they were trying to sell to young couples , and it always worked . the moons became known for saint syndrome , where those same young couples would typically call to say that they were expecting within a year of buying their home . it only took a few years , but the moons were soon raking in their own money without the help of ji - ho’s father .

when saint was six , his family relocated to key biscayne , florida . life was easy living on the water , and his parents continued to sell gorgeous homes both in seoul and in the wealthy neighborhoods of florida . with such a lifestyle , it wasn’t unheard of for saint to excel at his private school , where he was known for his academic prowess as well as his ability to play both the piano and the cello . saint was a fairly popular student while growing up , and it showed when the moons would host their annual christmas party .

he was fourteen when he finally started to understand the rivalry between thoroughbreds and gatsbys . originally , he put off like he didn’t care , but in reality he was trying to figure it out . the moons were a special case , considering that ji - ho was clearly an heir to a billion dollar fortune , but also had become wealthy in his own right thanks to his business with his wife . saint never understood that jabs and jeers that he would receive from thoroughbreds , because to him , they were all rich so what the hell did it matter ? he eventually began to side more with the gatsbys , never understanding why the thoroughbreds felt as though they needed to stick their noses up in the air at them .

within two years , though , saint seems to have changed for the worse . while his grades may be good , he begins to spend more time with new friends in miami . while there , he surrounds himself with fast cars and short nights , but he thinks it’s his parents’ fault for buying him a 488 spider for his sixteenth birthday . saint began to get into trouble , often pulled over for speeding and reckless driving to impress his friends . like always , a star is meant to fall , and it all came crashing down for saint when he thought that drag racing on u.s. route 1 was a good idea . he assumed that he could lose the cops , but he was stupid for ever thinking so -- he totaled the $1.3m dollar car , and after being treated for minor injuries , he was booked in the county jail .

having rich parents seems to be all fun and games considering they were barely able to get him out with a slap on the wrist , but that very same night they sent him away on a business plane to live with his no - nonsense grandparents . for the first year , saint pouted and argued , screamed and kicked over being trapped in seoul . he tried to escape the fortress of a house in pyeongchang , attempted to ditch his security guards when he went out in public , but he eventually realized that there was no getting out of this . so , he made the most out of it : he finished school , and during his senior year with the help of his grandparents , saint opened goodnight moon , a late night café that appealed to college students and late workers in need of a coffee and pastry pick me up . the café went viral , and so did the handsome owner .

he returned home when he was twenty , and discovered that key biscayne was filming . as the resident who suddenly disappeared , saint was sought after by the producers and was introduced mid - way through the second season .

THE SHOW .

saint and his family were not introduced on key biscayne until midway through season two . he was introduced as most table shakers would be , with a flurry of local headlines ranging from KEY BISCAYNE TEEN ARRESTED FOR DRAG RACING and HOW MONEY GETS YOU OUT OF A JAIL SENTENCE . his parents didn’t like the idea of being on a reality series , so they weren’t featured although there were a few scenes with them .

he was the reality show villain and you can’t tell me otherwise ! showed up with an air of what the fUCk ever and despite the air around him since he was arrested and shipped back to south korea , he never let that stop him ? like ofc he’s a rich boy who got away with something bc he’s rich , but it’s not that he doesn’t acknowledge it , he just chooses not to talk about it .

was definitely the subject of show cliffhangers , probably nearly got kicked off the show because of his short temperament and despite all that would still be invited to the reunions because he would always start some shit . he was very vocal about who he didn’t like on the show , and probably had good chemistry with a cast mate and fans of the show always pushed for them to become a thing ( a wc ... mayhaps 👀 ) but they were never anything more than friends .

by the end of the show , saint was that cast member that fans love to hate . he was employee of the month , and that’s on period ! gave what he was supposed to gave and was highkey problematic ( not in a bad way , but in a way where he was always the one in the middle of some shit ) and when people would question him about it ofc he didn’t care KFNDSJBFS .

THE PERSONALITY .

a little shit . that’s it . that’s all you need to know . although he’s standoffish , still has his insecurities because he’s not the ‘ perfect ’ son that his parents pushed for him to be . very much so the black sheep of the family , and is deemed as a lost cause by his thespian of a mother , so he figures that he might as well live up to that name . comes across as someone who genuinely doesn’t care , and he doesn’t KFDBJSFSD . sometimes only looks out for himself which adds more sand into the asshole bin , and he hates being asked ‘ dumb ’ questions . it’s a pet peeve that his mom thinks he picked up from his father .

THE HEADCANONS .

he does not want to be your friend KFNDSFUS . he can be very standoffish just to get that point across , and he doesn’t interact with people outside of a chosen few .

can be wildly off putting and while someone else may be afraid of confrontation , he isn’t ! might be the subject of bar brawls and minor scraps because he genuinely does not know how to shut the hell up .

hates walnuts ; idk why that’s important but it is . serve him something with walnuts in it and he’ll never talk to you again .

romantically and emotionally stunted , therefore he bides his time with casual sex and noncommittal acts of romance . can be found slipping out of beds in the middle of the night , never returns texts , and at times will pretend that he doesn’t know who the other person is ( ew ! ) .

a chaotic boy with a heart of gold , he just doesn’t show it and has mastered the art of being fake .

despite his repulsion of romance and relationships , he’ll flirt with anyone that has a pair of legs , and he quite honestly might call someone daddy just for the hell of it KNFDH .

probably posts those outfit thirst traps on instagram reels or tik tok bc he’s annoying .

THE CONNECTIONS .

an angsty ex boyf 👀 if i have to BEG for it i will ! and i promise to make you cry xD

a best friend pls ! someone who has been friends with him since before he was shipped back to korea for a few years so when he came back and was on the show , they were THE dynamic duo .

i’ve been really into his plot but someone he works out with ? maybe they don’t work out together per say , but they’re somehow always at the community gym at the same time .

something soft ? something so sweet that it would make my teeth rot ? could either be a boyfriend or girlfriend thing or tbh i don’t know but i’m literally looking for something that’s all fluff and all marshmallows and if i don’t get it then i’ll cry .

a plot where they full on hate each other . none of that cute shit KNFDNFHSD . no lingering feelings , no moments of hate lapse -- they hate each other and it’s a spicy hate ship that literally gets your blood pumping .

SKINNY LOVE ARE YOU THERE ?

his hoodrat friends NFDJNHFBD i’m kidding but i’m thinking like ... a billionaire boys club type of thing ? perhaps the five of them get together and ppl try to penetrate the group or they have these instances where ppl straight up hate them for no reason ? they were probably the TALK of the show bc thought they were assholes KNFDJBFBD idk either way , my hand is out . ( 1 of 4 spots filled )

a one night stand with some substance ? like yeah , they fuck around and they have their fun together but they don’t pretend to not know each other in public ( unless this person is a thoroughbred and i oop , chile ) so they probs tend to be a little like confidants at times but also have a tendency of shutting each other up with sex .

#biscayne.intro #this is really long i do apologize KNFDNSHF

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monsterkingdom · 5 years ago

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Heya! welcome to the masterpost I’m making to keep track of how I view my Wandersong AU that I’ve dubbed

Eya-Born

Read below!

Concept

The concept of this AU is very simple! Kiwi -- our Bard-- is a being made directly from Eya. That is to say, they are basically a demi-god.

When setting up to finally have the passing of the Universe -- Singing her song again-- Many know of the Hero who is sent to usher out this task within its final moments.

What if, before even that prophetic dream and entities start truly deteriorating-- She made a being to also challenge the idea with the knowledge of the ever so elusive Earthsong. That’s where this AU comes in!

Beginning

Eya created a being to see how much the world truly is in disarray and attempt to remedy it in their own way. A being free from fate. Free-will was her emphasis... as well as her attunement to magic-- which by default meant music.

They were sent to the Earth the Wandersong Universe knows... Specifically to a woman living in a city in the midst of industrial change. Riddled with loneliness due to a husband who got too into his work and guilt.

Seeing such an ailed child on her doorstep, a scenario one only hears in fairytales... She took the child in wholeheartedly, worrying who would leave them in such a state. After searching for the origins to no avail, she decided to raise them as her own.

Under the name Jack. Named after the fabled protagonist of many fairytales and rhymes... it seemed fitting based on their circumstances.

And thus, begins the bard’s life.. full of normality in every sense of the word.

....almost every sense of the word.

The magical properties of their music were always something they grew up with. Though, it didn’t do too much... Their mother assumed that the child was most likely part witch. As simple as that.

As least... as simple as trying to mask their child’s slightly pink tinged hair with several different hats upon growing up. Thankfully, Chismest was starting its headstrong course on being perpetually cold and gloomy by the bard’s early years and being bundled up was definitely inevitable indoors and out.

Cutting forward to the events of Wandersong, many of everything ended up panning out the same. The prophetic dreams, ghastly encounters, universal fates amounting to nothing, so on and so forth...

The not-so-Earthsong was sung. The world was saved... the zip and zap from the dreamtower was done and the dialogue with Eya congratulating them begins. However... as she starts prepping to send them off. A rumble occurs... the clouds separate and palms grasp the platform the three of them stand on.

Reunion

(now please enjoy this minor comic I did half a year ago)

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(ok end back to writing)

Kiwi then began-- as Eyala once put it-- “vicariously feeling Eya’s love through everything in the world” (paraphrasing this btw)

However, there’s... quite a lot of love to feel. Especially when you’re not used to it. That happiness... that joy... starts feeling a bit weird when you can’t turn it off.

Needless to day Kiwi didn’t adapt well.

Though... Eya, in all her overseeing capabilities... seemed to have a detached reaction to the whole situation.

“Oh fine fine...” she waved her hand slightly... the hue in Kiwi’s face settling a bit, though their face still bore an expression that showed they were still under some of the emotional weight of the whole thing.

“I suppose it is a bit much all at once... You’d probably be better off having it opened but unleashed through your own discoveries.”

Before Miriam could question further, the goddess’ gaze shifted to that of her Angelic assistance, who was watching the whole thing rather speechlessly.

“Eyala, dearest...” the melodic voice of Eya’s godly tones spooled out toward her, “I’m putting you in charge of guiding them through the basics.”

“M-Me, Eya?” She hesitantly replied, “I mean... of course!” she sputtered out.

“Eeeeeeexcellent” she chimed, “We can see they’re already experiencing increased empathy... maybe in due time they’ll be able to discover their other properties. The bard may excel beyond your basic prowess later on, Eyala, but your knowledge is a wonderful base for the poor dear...”

Eyala wordlessly nodded, clearly not about to speak up about the whole ordeal Kiwi had gone through in front of the goddess herself,

“In any case... I am greatly pleased with your performance, child. As a reminder, this is my gift to you. The locks are now undone... all that is needed is for you to learn. Maybe then you’ll be ready to take it in this way.” she smiled, eye crinkling with pleasure as Miriam helped Kiwi to their feet,

“Eyala will assist you in any way she can... She’ll probably teach you how to contact her with ease after this. However, I must leave you now... re-establishing the universe that was saved and all” she chuckled about it, hair slowly enveloping her face before she began receding into the clouds once more.

The godly presence left in an instant, leaving the trio to stand bewildered on the platform once more.

“So...” Eyala began.

“...Is she... normally like that?” Kiwi wheezed out, finally gathering their bearings.

“Yeah... she didn’t sound empathetic like the tales blab about her being.”

Eyala frowned at the two of them and clapsed her hands together, “She tries her best... but, she doesn’t get to experience things as much as she used to. Though, her love for everything is still here...”

The angel sighed and floats closer to Kiwi, holding their face slightly. A bit more tenderly than the goddess did to them previously,

“We’re gonna make this easier for you, lil’ B. I promise.”

Learning

Kiwi-- being a direct piece of Eya as opposed to a simple messenger like Eyala-- had a lot more going for them in terms of connections to things. As someone who normally was pretty darn good at burying their feelings into the dirt, suddenly feeling a good amount of what everything else did along with their own weird doubts was quite a bunch to take in.

They went through with their hellos and good-byes, keeping their misty tears in as best they could. They met up with their mother during... trying desperately to hold their tongue as she rambled on about their ‘long lost’ father finally come home... hoping all of them could live normal again. That they could be normal.

They were whisked home in the late evening after staying with Miriam for dinner... holding her closer than ever in their ever-so-tired arms... before letting her drift into the night sky and drift to their bed.

Only to be unable to sleep due to all the sudden emotions they felt. Realizing... ever suddenly.. a lot of them were from the people they interacted with. It was like having thousands of voices and waves of feelings hit you in a chaotic, nonsensical cacophony. It all felt like static, their brain muddled with thoughts not quite their own. They shook their head and for the first time in a while... they cried.

They felt the immense weight of these feelings drag down their face, the tears building and washing over their cheeks relentlessly. They couldn’t tell if they were happy, scared, or sad. Or if it was even them that felt this way.

A hand touched their shoulder, a familiar glow next to them. Kiwi needn’t even look to know it was Eyala again. checking in on them, most likely.

“Hey... Lil’ B.” her voice whispered, “I know it’s... a lot. You’re being left on a pretty bad note.” Kiwi turned,, face still full of tears and their voice caught in their throat from.. well... everything. They simply nodded in agreement.

Even Eyala could see the visible strain on Kiwi’s face.. and very well knew the reason why, “ Here. Let’s start with this instead... and I can help with the contact stuff tomorrow. We gotta help you filter this all out.” She held their hands in hers, rubbing their palms with her thumbs, “Just... focus on me. Okay? It helps to have something to think about other than people... “

Kiwi nodded... and looked Eyala over. Her hair effortlessly floating behind her in its usual ever-shifting hue... her smile, small, but visible. They could read the concern on her despite having most visible features omitted... Eyala was good at that. Expressing herself through motion and all. It reminded Kiwi of themself.

Without realizing it-- they found their head suddenly empty... well. mostly. There was still that static tingle in the back of their head. Near their neck, it felt. Almost like forgetting something important... but they pushed it down. Much like anything else they felt in the past... and let out a shaky sigh.

“That better...?”

Kiwi nodded again, looking at their hand for a sense of stability now.

It glowed... not much but. It was just a tinge... ever slightly lighter than the darkness surrounding them and Eyala, “So...” they scratchily started, “I’m really...”

“A real child of Eya. Not just in... like... a collective universe sense. Yeah.”

“Wow...”

--WIP ATM BC BED--

#BIG HECKIN WIP!!!!#Im not tagging until IM DONE DANGIT

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daniellewade · 4 years ago

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was pride really that different this year ?

idk about y’all, but I’ve had a lot of late night thought revelations lately, many of them about myself. and I wasn’t sure if this was worth sharing, but after a conversation I had earlier this week, I want write something out and ramble for a second. this won’t be coherent in any way shape or form. it probably won’t be edited either, but here’s a stream of thought.

june is usually a month where everything is plastered with rainbows and its this big celebration. this year we all had our attention somewhere else and I think it’s incredibly important. given the matters at hand, I felt bad taking up space saying something for myself. however, I’ve thought about this too much and I want to get it off my chest and into the world somewhere.

pride for me was never about the parades and public celebration. last year I did get to go and spend the day with some good friends and we had a great time. but I enjoyed it most bc people I loved were having a good time. pride this year was very personal. it was introspective and about the way I saw and felt about myself not how other people felt about or saw me. I then began to think “huh, this feels like pride from before I came out”. but realized, this was always how I celebrated pride regardless of how I told the world I labeled myself.

since probably 2017, I’d been pretty comfortable identifying as “not straight”, though since I hadn’t picked a label, I assumed that meant I was still questioning things. that went on for a bit and I wasn’t uncomfortable about it by any means bc I wasn’t in any kind of rush to “decide” something. a couple years later, something changed and I subconscioulsy decided that I needed a label to validate it. that time came and went and I didn’t feel anything wrong with that label, so I let it be. if someone asked, I was perfectly comfortable saying I was bi and explaining what that meant to me personally.

though as of lately, somewhere between lockdown and a very nostalgic pride celebration, I put a few things together. I remembered explicitly saying it, and acknowledging it, and not particularly feeling anything wrong with it. but I remember saying that I chose to label my sexuality bc that made it easier for other people to understand. however, a few months ago I realized that wasn’t what I wanted to do, and it didn’t feel authentic when I voiced an exclusive label. then it really hit when my queer friends started talking about how different pride was going to be this year bc I didn’t completely understand why. but it clicked that bc I never had an eventful coming out or a specific moment of realization to myself, that this year was just a continuation of all the other june’s I spent at home watching documentaries on the history of queer culture, or reading, or whatever the fuck. I simply got to have time with myself and appriciate what I have and the lgbtq+ people in and surrounding my life.

in that, I realized that though I said it, I didn’t see what I actually meant by it. and that I had labeled my sexuality for the benefit of other people, rather than realizing that simplying acknowledging for myself that I’m not heterosexual was plenty valid.

I’m not uncomfortable with labels. I don’t mind queer bc to me it has grown to become a large umbrella term that doesn’t necessarily have to be defined. I don’t dislike bi, it doesn’t feel wrong. but it also doesn’t feel like a box that I want society to use to contain me bc I feel like there’s more to me than that. I also don’t mind simply lgbtq+, that’s the community that I idenify with and again, it feels broad enough that I’m not limited by someone elses expectations.

I had a long post last year about pride and those were very real and valid feelings at the time, but I think that as I’ve become more in tune with myself, I’ve discovered more about that part of myself. I think the beautiful thing about the lack of a defined label is that it isn’t a constraint. I may look at this in another year or two and see something from another perspective. but for now, as june draws to a close, I guess I’ll leave this here for now.

this is someting that has been running through my mind a lot lately, and since this is an unedited ramble, it probably isn’t coherent. but, I wanted to say it out loud somehwere in case someone else needs it.

happy pride, y’all.

#its been a long while since we've had a post like this #I don't expect any of y'all to read this #but I needed to conclude it for myself and writing was the easiest way to do that #so shouting to the void here #bc that's fun #pride #shut up lauren no one cares

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anerdyfeminist · 4 years ago

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Health related stuff to follow, don’t read if periods/surgery stuff is hard for you. But if this is something you’re cool reading...what I’m going to say in a LOT more words is that it’s really, really fucked up how hard it is to get help with menstruation/uterus related medical care that actually WORKS and/or to be listened to or respected about those issues.

I keep thinking about how so many things have happened with my health in the past year that I haven’t even had time to mentally or emotionally process it and by the time that I could get a moment to try..............boom, pandemic. I can’t remember how much I’ve written here about it generally...BUT trying to summarize quickly, after the bad car accident that fucked up my arm and I had surgery to fix it, the MRI scans they took at the ER that night opened a god damn Pandora’s box of shit in there I needed to take care of. I went from understanding myself as a person who has one mild chronic health issue to..........someone with four.

The biggest issue that was discovered was a wide spread and a really advanced case of endometriosis. My gyno surgically removed multiple endometriomas from both of my ovaries, the largest of which was bigger than a grapefruit. After I recovered from surgery, I started taking the only medication that specifically exists to inhibit more endometrial growth and manage the pain. (And it’s a pretty new drug at that.) My doctor didn’t really fully consider that one of its biggest side effects is depression and anxiety and as someone whose mental health has only rather recently gotten in a better place, after a couple of months on this new medication, I felt like how I felt before I started taking anti anxiety meds. That was suuuuuper untenable and I couldn’t stay on it.

So I had to go back to square one on how to keep my endo at bay. But this time in the story of “how the fuck to treat this raging case of endo” we’re now into late March and in the pandemic when I get to the point where my doctor explains that pretty much the only other option for me is to try an IUD. Hearing that pretty much made me almost breakdown crying in the appointment. (I held it together long enough to get home for that.)

I’ve always loved that IUDs exist for people who want them, bc I’m obvi all about access to the birth control anyone wants and I have lots of friends who LOVE theirs and extol their virtues. But literally ever since the moment I learned about then when I was like 17 I have been super averse to the concept for myself. I had long ago filed IUDs under “NOPE” in my brain. I’m just one of those folks who is grossed out by the idea of foreign material just existing inside my body. But after going through having already had a bunch of hardware in my arm and knowing how shitty it felt trying the endo meds, I said FUCK IT and took the plunge to get an IUD.

(Side note: seeking this type of medical care in the middle of the pandemic was super creepy dystopian and like being in a fucking episode of A Handmaid’s Tale because I was usually the only person there who was not VERY visibly pregnant because only totally “medically necessary” procedures were allowed, all the masks, plastic partitions, spacing of patients, etc., etc. Just weird.)

The IUD insertion itself was a nightmare if I’m really honest and the ultrasound they did at that point disappointedly revealed ANOTHER endometrioma already growing back that my doc wants to now keep an eye on........BUT the good news is that bad insertion experience aside, so far I’m feeling pretty good about using it. It’s been almost 3 months with it and the biggest revelation by far has been that the terrible, monster periods I had FOR YEARS just didn’t need to be what they were. In such a short span of time having much much much lighter ones, I’ve already begun to wonder what I was thinking just trying to suffer through that experience for so long.

If you’ve read my stuff here over the past few years, you’ll know that my period was the most raging heavy and intense.......I mean, I have a whole fucking tag for it. I had to go out of my way to find the largest capacity menstrual cup IN THE LITERAL WORLD and I would fill it a few times a day. You’d hear me say “oh hey, FYI your periods can get much heavier the older you get” which is true, mind you, but I had no idea that what I was experiencing was really really well beyond the bounds of what is “normal” and indicative of a bigger health issue. I told my doctor (who I don’t really fault, she has a lot of good qualities) about it and she thought it was just normal aging stuff. I didn’t advocate for myself as much as I should have and she didn’t listen to me well enough as she should have and the result is that for about 5 years I had untreated and undiagnosed endo that resulted in that grapefruit sized endometrioma and all her friends.

There were other signs too...my cramps had gotten incredibly horrific. Once the endometriomas were all removed, I realized they had been doing stuff like pressing on my bladder, making it hard to pee/empty it all the way and I couldn’t lay in bed in certain ways pain free. Getting this diagnosis was scary but it all started to make sense. And it’s still making sense the more I unravel my understanding of the past several years of my life. What I was going through was not normal, but it also wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone, perhaps most of all, by myself.

So yeah, I’m still processing this news and seeking to better understand that I didn’t have to feel like that for so long. I’ve got this tendency baked into me to assume and accept that “life is suffering” (thanks, dad) and that you must grin and bear it and just survive. I think that when it comes to issues that involve menstruation or uterine issues, that this message is even LOUDER because we are shamed into not speaking about these things publicly by society more widely. Their discussion is stigmatized, belittled, glossed over, filed under “ewwwww grossssss” etc.

But obviously, that’s not how it has to be................if I am hurting or uncomfortable I am WORTH the effort of trying to figure out why and see if I can fix it. And if that issue involves my period or uterus or ovaries SO BE IT. There’s nothing inherently gross or TMI about that. They are body parts and they get conditions. That’s life.

Anyway, I really enjoyed Padma Lakshmi’s interview by Terry Gross on Fresh Air this week and it influenced me wanting to write this. She talks about her own endo story and it really resonated with me. (She also had a terrible arm injury in her past. We’re basically twins LOLOLOL.) As I said, I’m still processing ALL of this. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it is that having endometriosis sucks but knowing you have it is waaaaaaaaay better than not knowing.

#period woes #mine #long post

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white-manz-whore · 5 years ago

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sunday august 25th, 2019

i know and understand that brandon is cancelled. but i still get flustered when i am around him ugh

i saw carl today! i have had this entire plan to ask him all these questions but I never got the chance to. I first saw him while I was doing go backs (returning products customers decide they don’t want). I was hoping to see Avery while doing this but NOTHING. anyways, I only talked to carl for like 20 seconds because he was working and I was working so yeah.

Anyways when I went on lunch I was hoping to see carl in the break room but he wasn’t there. as I was panning the room I fuckiNG SAW BRANDON SITTING IN THE CORNER EATING ALONE.. BITCH MY JAW LITERALLY FUCKING DROPPED. MY MOUTH OPENED. I was so fucking shoooook. I fully expected him to be out eating with his friends awifujwlfijhil. after I walked in he noticed me and quickly looked away. while I was sitting down I pulled a Nina and took a picture. its really bad because I was hella nervous and could barely hold my phone oops. the back of his head is cute oops.

not long after I sat down he got his stuff and left.

after I finished eating I left the break room to go outside and look for carl at his usual smoking spot. nothing. so I decided to go to my car and charge my phone while I call my friend. we only talked for a few minutes because the poor soul was busy. anyways as I go out to leave my car STARTS BEEPING AT ME. LOUD ASFUCKKK. the alarm was going off and I had to idea how to make it stoppp. I shut my door. I unlocked the door. I locked the door. I pushed the alarm button on my key fob. I turned off and on my lights lmao. I TURNED ON MY CAR AND NOTHING. it eventually stopped on its own. I was so stressed and nervous I had no idea if anyone was around bc that shit was hella embarrassing. I stayed in my car for like another minute beaucse I was spooked and if there was someone around I didn’t want them to see me get out of my car oops. I also had no idea why the heck it did that.

when I first got the car I remember reading in the owners manual that there's a security system set in place in which the alarm will go off if it things that you have locked your car, walked off, and accidentally left your key fob in it. thats what I assumed happened? I don’t know to be honest. in the moment I thought that i would never find a solution for it to stop because I felt like I tried everything and it wouldn't shut off. my mind went to the worst place (as it does) and I thought it was just never going to stop going off and my battery would drain and I would be stranded at Walmart. that reminds me, I need to put jumper cables in my trunk in case anything ever does happen. *knock on wood*

after all that I was still stressed and embarrassed but it was getting hot in my car so I was like “its time to dip”. after I opened the door THAT BITCH STARTED BEEPING AGAINNNN. honestly at this point I had no idea what to do. I thought that I should just get out the car or throw my key fob out the window so that it doesn’t think I left it inside. I kept locking and unlocking my car so that it realized that I was still in the fricken car and that bitch wouldn’t shut off. this time I had the door open and like jiggled the ignition and I think that turned it off. I don’t know honestly. it may have just turned off on its own again. im still mad at my car for this. my black Tesla would NEVER do me like that.

after it shut off the second time I finally left my car. as I was walking out there was a car passing by, I look up and a guy winked at me (ew). and as I continued walking he conitnued to look at me while he was driving. then he made a left turn to park in the lot and he was STILL looking at me. I make a face at him bc that shit annoys me oops. I did not want to be outside when that guy got out of his car so I started speed walking towards the entrance.

this is where I notice carl having a smoke and Brandon sitting down on the ground next to him while they talk. they were in carls OTHER smoking place UGHGUHSIHEIRGHU. and they have a CLEARRRRR ASSSS VIEW OF MY CAR. I don’t know if they saw me walk to my car / walk from my car / STRUGGLE TO TURN OFF MY CAR ALARM. at this point im embarrassed as fuck and ready to run away and hide. I was fucking pacing around walmart as I always do when im stressed.

I then saw them both go into the break room area. I wait like one minute and then decide to go inside. Carl being carl asks how I am. we enter the actual break room area and talk for a bit. Brandon was outside in the little hallway thing, but he did walk into the break room for a few seconds while I was talking to carl.

i told him how I saw him outside a few minutes ago and that I struggled to turn off my car alarm. he told me “oh that was you?”. anyways I explained to him what happened and how I have no idea why the heck it went off or how to turn it off. he told me I should probably look at the owners manual to get more info on that in case it ever happens in the future. we talk a bit more until he tells me that he has to get back to work.

so I walk him out to the little hallway area and expect Brandon to be long gone because we were talking for a while. but I found him there eating a granola bar looking cute as heck ):. I caught him off guard and he looked all shy and cute im annoyed. he smiled at me ):. carl mentioned how a few people in cap 2 got employee of the month (him and Brandon included) so theres a photo posted on the wall. I should take a picture of that and send it to y'all. when carl told me this Brandon ACTUALLY spoke in my presence for the first time in a hot minute. I think all he said was “yeahhh” while holding both his arms up pointing towards the photo. once again, he was acting cute as heck IM ANNOYED.

this is the best stock photo I could find. Brandon did something similar but obviously not as creepy looking. and he was facing the photo and not me. and his arms weren’t bent like that. honestly I'm just trying to get y'all to picture how it all went down because I don’t know how to describe things in words.

when my lunch was over I saw Avery with a friend. I discovered that today is his day off. he was looking fine as heck as per usual ugh. I'm starting to think that he isn’t a full time worker because I swear I don’t think he works 5 days a week.

i later saw brandon at self check. I never made eye contact with him and I never caught him staring. but he was very obviously just looking around for me to look at him if that makes sense. along the outside of self checkout theres a lot of chips and candies and he was just looking at that. and then he went to look inside one of those cooler things with sodas/energy drinks in it. and then he looked at the fucking Pokemon card things that are also near self check out. after he made a circle around self checkout looking at all that, he walked out the door and left without buying anything. during this time he didn’t look or smile at me unlike how he was two hours before that when I saw him on lunch. and this goes back to me mentioning how one moment he seems interested and the next he doesn’t.

so the last time I saw him today was when he got off work. I don’t know what he bought but he went to the register across from me. I thought he was going to say hi to me, and he might have if I didn’t have a customer. thats what he did the last time ):. so before this even happened I told the cashier he went to how I embarassed myself on my lunch today (car alarm thing). she told me that I shouldn’t be embarrassed and how she’s done way more embarrassing things. anyways after he left i told the cashier that the reason I was so embarrassed about the car alarm thing is because a cute boy that works at walmart saw. and so naturally, she asked who it was. I told her “its actually a guy that went into your line a few minutes ago, he works in CAP 2″. She replied with, “I know exactly who you're talking about, he is cute but you could do better” i love this girl aksjndfiuahebfuifo. we started talking about him for a while and I discovered that he rides bike to work. the whole time I thought he took the bus but the more that I think about it, riding a bike makes more sense because he gets out late and idk when the trimet stops running.

if my calculations are correct, brandon is off the next two days. in other words he isn’t working until wendesday. but I have wednesday and Thursday off so I won’t see him. and then when im back to work on friday carl is off both friday and saturday. the whole point of this is to inform you that the three (me, carl, and Brandon) of us aren't going to all work at the same time until next sunday. exactly a week from today. these are the best days because carl is with brandon a lot. and carl talks to me a lot.

also carl wants to have dinner together or see a movie before i leave for school. and thats cool but i feel weird about it for some reason idk. how do i avoid this.

also, while working some guy asked me how i pronounce my name. he told me that he’s never met someone with my name and how it was pretty. I had war flash backs to the time that Gabriel asked for my number because he also asked how I pronounce my name. anyways the guy from today was CUTE as heck.

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acest-of-them-all · 6 years ago

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So now story time bc today is the day I became extremely sure I am asexual

So. Let's go waaay back to when I was a kid and had no idea there was other sexualities than straight. Obviously I assumed I was gonna have a boyfriend sometime. I didn't really think about it, though. It wasn't relevant because I was a kid and I had other worries like what will I play with my friends during the breaks between classes.

When I was about 13-14, I had discovered the fact that there were not only straight people, but also gays, lesbians and bisexuals. I was like hey, girls are nice, I would date a girl as well as a boy. So I labeled mhself as a bisexual. Now, I hadn't had any real crushes(I now have realized), only a few people I had taken interest in, so I didn't really know how attraction to another person felt like.

When I was about 14 years old or when I was turning 15, I wasn't so sure about my gender anymore. I didn't feel good in my body, and I hated it so, so much. I had more knowledge of sexualities and genders, so I began to wonder, if what I was experiencing was me being transgender. I was kind of suspicious though, because the feeling came so late, and not as a child already. But I knew that the gut-wrenching feeling that made me want to throw up I got when someone called me a girl, was very real. I was convinced I was a transgender, and I was fine with that. It still hurt though, when after two years of feeling horrible dysphoria with my body I told my mom that I was pretty sure I was trans, she still would address me and my sister as "girls" when talking of both of us. I never got the chance to tell my father, though. At some point, I realized that I might not be able to go through the surgeries, as the places I could do that were quite far away, and I didn't know how expensive it was gonna be. Soon, I was fine with that, too, because I realized that my discomfort in my body being female was fading. I was so confused. I had felt like a boy for the last two years and now I suddenly felt like wearing more makeup and dressing more femininely?? I was like huh. I was a fake after all.

At the same time I started to realize that I didn't feel the desire to become close to people. I thought I was somehow incorrectly developed, that it would come to me later, so I didn't really pay attention to it.

Now, in the spring, this year. My first year of vocational school was almost over. We had photography, and I was sitting at my computer on my phone, because I had already edited all the photos I had taken and nothing else to do. There was this guy, that I knew my friend knew, sitting at the computer next to me. He wasn't in our class(he was on his second year). He asked about what we had been doing, which I found weird, because I didn't know this dude, but I just awkwardly answered him. We conversed for a while, and he offered to show me how the studio lights and flashes work. I accepted, because yeah, I had nothing else to do. Well. He showed me how they worked, I was quite awkward all the time, and he asked about stuff. One thing he asked was if I had ever kissed anyone. I obviously hadn't, so I answered no. He asked if I wanted to try. I was confused and I kind of panicked so I accepted. I was tense and nervous and confused, and he told me to relax and close my eyes. I slapped my hand over my eyes, because I couldn't bring myself to close them, I was so nervous. I was just standing there, tense as hell, as he kissed me. Or tried to. It didn't go well, as I kept my lips tightly together and I was panicking. He told me I had to relax, to which I repeatedly told him that I wasn't capable of that. That was followed by him letting it go and us both apologizing for making things awkward. The whole thing was like straight out of a fanfiction. Except that if it was a fanfiction, I wouldn't have been an already suspecting ace, I would have magically been able to kiss him back and we'd have banged in the studio. Yeah, no. I didn't really see him after that, which I was pretty relieved of, because now I wouldn't have to deal with awkward shit! At that point I was almost completely sure I was ace and aro, because I didn't feel like romantic relationships were really my thing and the idea of me having sex with someone, to be completely honest, disgusted me. I had also found a term that I felt like it fit my gender: genderfluid. My preferred gender tends to change quite slowly, I can feel really feminine for months, or really masculine for, apparently, years. Sometimes it's one of those, but in between happens too. Currently I am leaning a little bit on the feminine side.

Anyways. This fall. Summer was over, my second year of school started. And I get to live alone, which is super awesome! One day, after like two weeks of school, the guy texts me(we had exchanged our numbers back then), asking how I'd been. We talked about stuff, it was casual and cool. He's pretty nice, since he likes memes and listens to good music. I told him that I lived alone, and he joked about coming to ruin my peaceful isolated life. I was like yeah, you can come over sometime if you want to, because sometimes some company isn't too bad. The next monday he came to hang out, and it was cool. We listened to music, showed each other memes and all, and I was relieved it wasn't awkward(I had done research on the internet on how to carry on with a conversation before he arrived lmao). Then he left and everything was well in the kingdom. A week or two went by, he would occasionally text me and yeah. It was cool and I was like whoa did I manage to make a friend.

Until.

The day before yesterday(saturday). He texted me like usual and asked if I wanted to hang out on sunday, but because I wouldn't have had any time, we agreed to hang out on monday. A.k.a. today. And then he asked if I still couldn't kiss. And I was like ooohh nooooo, and said that no, I can't because who the hell would my ace ass I have been kissing? He was like well do you want to try on monday and internally I was like WHY??? DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW AWKWARD IT WAS??? And because I figured that the sooner he realizes I'm a hopeless case, the sooner he leaves me alone with the kissing stuff(and because my idiot brain is like BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE A FAKE ACE??? WHAT IF YOU DO LIKE IT HMMM?!? and I wanted to be sure), I was like uuuhhh sure I guess. I warned him that I was most likely going to be awkward as hell AGAIN, but he just told me to "relax and enjoy". Which confused me because I simply do not see the appeal of having other person's tongue shoved down your throat, but I let it be.

So he came over. We conversed for a while, then browsed memes again(which meant we were both sitting on my bed). Soon he was like sooo about the kissing and I was like oh god oh god what do I do, so my brain switched into "scientific experiment" mode, and I was like yeah, I only need to think of this as an experiment on what kissing feels like and everything would be fine. So he told me to get in his lap and I was just confused as hell and was like uuhhh do I have to like do something, to which he answered that not really. And then he kissed me. And his tongue was in my mouth. It didn't taste like anything, it felt weird and I was just kind of trying to not be too awkward, trying to somehow respond to it. He asked how it was and I was like weird, not the most unpleasant thing but nothing special either. And we ended up lying down and kind of cuddling on my bed, which was okay. I was just making random comments about like how babies have more bones than adults and at some point I was like do you wanna take a nap, naps are nice, to which he agreed. It wasn't a nap though. He kissed me some more and yeah. At some point though he had to leave, so he did. And that's when it really hit me. I felt really unhygienic and weirded out. I still could taste his tongue, which is why I brushed my teeth twice in a row. The taste wouldn't go away! I ate, and I noticed I was terribly aware of my own tongue in my mouth. I could still smell his deodorant or whatever it was, and now it wasn't even nice anymore, it was disturbing and overwhelming. I couldn't even drink from my bottle normally because of the way it feels! I brushed my teeth one more time and put my clothes at my window to air out, I don't want them to smell like him. I went and scrubbed myself under a practically boiling shower, I think I've never been so thorough when showering. I'm still confused. Why do I feel so disgusted and unclean, when clothes weren't even reduced? Apparently it doesn't need much. But if mere kissing makes me like this, I can't even imagine myself in even a slightly more intimate situation. Just, no. If he wants to do that again, I gotta tell him that kissing definitely isn't my thing, maybe just straight up tell him that I'm asexual. At least now I'm sure about it lol

#sorry for the rant #sorry for the long post #personal #i just wanted to tell this #asexual #aromantic #lgbtq #lgbt #lgbtqa

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thesnhuup · 5 years ago

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Pop Picks — August 30, 2019

August 30, 2019

What I’m listening to:

I usually go to music here, but the New York Times new 1619 podcast is just terrific, as is the whole project, which observes the sale of the first enslaved human beings on our shores 400 years ago. The first episode, “The Fight for a True Democracy” is a remarkable overview (in a mere 44 minutes) of the centrality of racism and slavery in the American story over those 400 years. It should be mandatory listening in every high school in the country. I’m eager for the next episodes. Side note: I am addicted to The Daily podcast, which gives more color and detail to the NY Times stories I read in print (yes, print), and reminds me of how smart and thoughtful are those journalists who give us real news. We need them now more than ever.

What I’m reading:

Colson Whitehead has done it again. The Nickel Boys, his new novel, is a worthy successor to his masterpiece The Underground Railroad, and because it is closer to our time, based on the real-life horrors of a Florida reform school, and written a time of resurgent White Supremacy, it hits even harder and with more urgency than its predecessor. Maybe because we can read Underground Railroad with a sense of “that was history,” but one can’t read Nickel Boys without the lurking feeling that such horrors persist today and the monsters that perpetrate such horrors walk among us. They often hold press conferences.

What I’m watching:

Queer Eye, the Netflix remake of the original Queer Eye for the Straight Guy some ten years later, is wondrously entertaining, but it also feels adroitly aligned with our dysfunctional times. Episode three has a conversation with Karamo Brown, one of the fab five, and a Georgia small town cop (and Trump supporter) that feels unscripted and unexpected and reminds us of how little actual conversation seems to be taking place in our divided country. Oh, for more car rides such as the one they take in that moment, when a chasm is bridged, if only for a few minutes. Set in the South, it is often a refreshing and affirming response to what it means to be male at a time of toxic masculinity and the overdue catharsis and pain of the #MeToo movement. Did I mention? It’s really fun.

Archive

July 1, 2019

What I’m listening to:

The National remains my favorite band and probably 50% of my listening time is a National album or playlist. Their new album I Am Easy To Find feels like a turning point record for the band, going from the moody, outsider introspection and doubt of lead singer Matt Berninger to something that feels more adult, sophisticated, and wiser. I might have titled it Women Help The Band Grow Up. Matt is no longer the center of The National’s universe and he frequently cedes the mic to the many women who accompany and often lead on the long, their longest, album. They include Gail Ann Dorsey (who sang with Bowie for a long time), who is amazing, and a number of the songs were written by Carin Besser, Berninger’s wife. I especially love the Brooklyn Youth Chorus, the arrangements, and the sheer complexity and coherence of the work. It still amazes me when I meet someone who does not know The National. My heart breaks for them just a little.

What I’m reading:

Pat Barker’s The Silence of the Girls is a retelling of Homer’s Iliad through the lens of a captive Trojan queen, Briseis. As a reviewer in The Atlantic writes, it answers the question “What does war mean to women?” We know the answer and it has always been true, whether it is the casual and assumed rape of captive women in this ancient war story or the use of rape in modern day Congo, Syria, or any other conflict zone. Yet literature almost never gives voice to the women – almost always minor characters at best — and their unspeakable suffering. Barker does it here for Briseis, for Hector’s wife Andromache, and for the other women who understand that the death of their men is tragedy, but what they then endure is worse. Think of it ancient literature having its own #MeToo moment. The NY Times’ Geraldine Brooks did not much like the novel. I did. Very much.

What I’m watching:

The BBC-HBO limited series Years and Years is breathtaking, scary, and absolutely familiar. It’s as if Black Mirrorand Children of Men had a baby and it precisely captures the zeitgeist, the current sense that the world is spinning out of control and things are coming at us too fast. It is a near future (Trump has been re-elected and Brexit has occurred finally)…not dystopia exactly, but damn close. The closing scene of last week’s first episode (there are 6 episodes and it’s on every Monday) shows nuclear war breaking out between China and the U.S. Yikes! The scope of this show is wide and there is a big, baggy feel to it – but I love the ambition even if I’m not looking forward to the nightmares.

May 19, 2019

What I’m listening to:

I usually go to music here, but I was really moved by this podcast of a Davis Brooks talk at the Commonwealth Club in Silicon Valley: https://www.commonwealthclub.org/events/archive/podcast/david-brooks-quest-moral-life. While I have long found myself distant from his political stance, he has come through a dark night of the soul and emerged with a wonderful clarity about calling, community, and not happiness (that most superficial of goals), but fulfillment and meaning, found in community and human kinship of many kinds. I immediately sent it to my kids.

What I’m reading:

Susan Orlean’s wonderful The Library Book, a love song to libraries told through the story of the LA Central Library. It brought back cherished memories of my many hours in beloved libraries — as a kid in the Waltham Public Library, a high schooler in the Farber Library at Brandeis (Lil Farber years later became a mentor of mine), and the cathedral-like Bapst Library at BC when I was a graduate student. Yes, I was a nerd. This is a love song to books certainly, but a reminder that libraries are so, so much more. It is a reminder that libraries are less about a place or being a repository of information and, like America at its best, an idea and ideal. By the way, oh to write like her.

What I’m watching:

What else? Game of Thrones, like any sensible human being. This last season is disappointing in many ways and the drop off in the writing post George R.R. Martin is as clear as was the drop off in the post-Sorkin West Wing. I would be willing to bet that if Martin has been writing the last season, Sansa and Tyrion would have committed suicide in the crypt. That said, we fans are deeply invested and even the flaws are giving us so much to discuss and debate. In that sense, the real gift of this last season is the enjoyment between episodes, like the old pre-streaming days when we all arrived at work after the latest episode of the Sopranos to discuss what we had all seen the night before. I will say this, the last two episodes — full of battle and gore – have been visually stunning. Whether the torches of the Dothraki being extinguished in the distance or Arya riding through rubble and flame on a white horse, rarely has the series ascended to such visual grandeur.

March 28, 2019

What I’m listening to:

There is a lovely piece played in a scene from A Place Called Home that I tracked down. It’s Erik Satie’s 3 Gymnopédies: Gymnopédie No. 1, played by the wonderful pianist Klára Körmendi. Satie composed this piece in 1888 and it was considered avant-garde and anti-Romantic. It’s minimalism and bit of dissonance sound fresh and contemporary to my ears and while not a huge Classical music fan, I’ve fallen in love with the Körmendi playlist on Spotify. When you need an alternative to hours of Cardi B.

What I’m reading:

Just finished Esi Edugyan’s 2018 novel Washington Black. Starting on a slave plantation in Barbados, it is a picaresque novel that has elements of Jules Verne, Moby Dick, Frankenstein, and Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad. Yes, it strains credulity and there are moments of “huh?”, but I loved it (disclosure: I was in the minority among my fellow book club members) and the first third is a searing depiction of slavery. It’s audacious, sprawling (from Barbados to the Arctic to London to Africa), and the writing, especially about nature, luminous.

What I’m watching:

A soap opera. Yes, I’d like to pretend it’s something else, but we are 31 episodes into the Australian drama A Place Called Home and we are so, so addicted. Like “It’s AM, but can’t we watch just one more episode?” addicted. Despite all the secrets, cliff hangers, intrigue, and “did that just happen?” moments, the core ingredients of any good soap opera, APCH has superb acting, real heft in terms of subject matter (including homophobia, anti-Semitism, sexual assault, and class), touches of our beloved Downton Abbey, and great cars. Beware. If you start, you won’t stop.

February 11, 2019

What I’m listening to:

Raphael Saadiq has been around for quite a while, as a musician, writer, and producer. He’s new to me and I love his old school R&B sound. Like Leon Bridges, he brings a contemporary freshness to the genre, sounding like a young Stevie Wonder (listen to “You’re The One That I Like”). Rock and Roll may be largely dead, but R&B persists – maybe because the former was derivative of the latter and never as good (and I say that as a Rock and Roll fan). I’m embarrassed to only have discovered Saadiq so late in his career, but it’s a delight to have done so.

What I’m reading:

Just finished Marilynne Robinson’s Home, part of her trilogy that includes the Pulitzer Prize winning first novel, Gilead, and the book after Home, Lila. Robinson is often described as a Christian writer, but not in a conventional sense. In this case, she gives us a modern version of the prodigal son and tells the story of what comes after he is welcomed back home. It’s not pretty. Robinson is a self-described Calvinist, thus character begets fate in Robinson’s world view and redemption is at best a question. There is something of Faulkner in her work (I am much taken with his famous “The past is never past” quote after a week in the deep South), her style is masterful, and like Faulkner, she builds with these three novels a whole universe in the small town of Gilead. Start with Gilead to better enjoy Home.

What I’m watching:

Sex Education was the most fun series we’ve seen in ages and we binged watched it on Netflix. A British homage to John Hughes films like The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Pretty in Pink, it feels like a mash up of American and British high schools. Focusing on the relationship of Maeve, the smart bad girl, and Otis, the virginal and awkward son of a sex therapist (played with brilliance by Gillian Anderson), it is laugh aloud funny and also evolves into more substance and depth (the abortion episode is genius). The sex scenes are somehow raunchy and charming and inoffensive at the same time and while ostensibly about teenagers (it feels like it is explaining contemporary teens to adults in many ways), the adults are compelling in their good and bad ways. It has been renewed for a second season, which is a gift.

January 3, 2019

What I’m listening to:

My listening choices usually refer to music, but this time I’m going with Malcolm Gladwell’s Revisionist History podcast on genius and the song Hallelujah. It tells the story of Leonard Cohen’s much-covered song Hallelujah and uses it as a lens on kinds of genius and creativity. Along the way, he brings in Picasso and Cézanne, Elvis Costello, and more. Gladwell is a good storyteller and if you love pop music, as I do, and Hallelujah, as I do (and you should), you’ll enjoy this podcast. We tend to celebrate the genius who seems inspired in the moment, creating new work like lightning strikes, but this podcast has me appreciating incremental creativity in a new way. It’s compelling and fun at the same time.

What I’m reading:

Just read Clay Christensen’s new book, The Prosperity Paradox: How Innovation Can Lift Nations Out of Poverty. This was an advance copy, so soon available. Clay is an old friend and a huge influence on how we have grown SNHU and our approach to innovation. This book is so compelling, because we know attempts at development have so often been a failure and it is often puzzling to understand why some countries with desperate poverty and huge challenges somehow come to thrive (think S. Korea, Singapore, 19th C. America), while others languish. Clay offers a fresh way of thinking about development through the lens of his research on innovation and it is compelling. I bet this book gets a lot of attention, as most of his work does. I also suspect that many in the development community will hate it, as it calls into question the approach and enormous investments we have made in an attempt to lift countries out of poverty. A provocative read and, as always, Clay is a good storyteller.

What I’m watching:

Just watched Leave No Trace and should have guessed that it was directed by Debra Granik. She did Winter’s Bone, the extraordinary movie that launched Jennifer Lawrence’s career. Similarly, this movie features an amazing young actor, Thomasin McKenzie, and visits lives lived on the margins. In this case, a veteran suffering PTSD, and his 13-year-old daughter. The movie is patient, is visually lush, and justly earned 100% on Rotten Tomatoes (I have a rule to never watch anything under 82%). Everything in this film is under control and beautifully understated (aside from the visuals) – confident acting, confident directing, and so humane. I love the lack of flashbacks, the lack of sensationalism – the movie trusts the viewer, rare in this age of bombast. A lovely film.

December 4, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spending a week in New Zealand, we had endless laughs listening to the Kiwi band, Flight of the Conchords. Lots of comedic bands are funny, but the music is only okay or worse. These guys are funny – hysterical really – and the music is great. They have an uncanny ability to parody almost any style. In both New Zealand and Australia, we found a wry sense of humor that was just delightful and no better captured than with this duo. You don’t have to be in New Zealand to enjoy them.

What I’m reading:

I don’t often reread. For two reasons: A) I have so many books on my “still to be read” pile that it seems daunting to also rereadbooks I loved before, and B) it’s because I loved them once that I’m a little afraid to read them again. That said, I was recently asked to list my favorite book of all time and I answered Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. But I don’t really know if that’s still true (and it’s an impossible question anyway – favorite book? On what day? In what mood?), so I’m rereading it and it feels like being with an old friend. It has one of my very favorite scenes ever: the card game between Levin and Kitty that leads to the proposal and his joyous walking the streets all night.

What I’m watching:

Blindspotting is billed as a buddy-comedy. Wow does that undersell it and the drama is often gripping. I loved Daveed Diggs in Hamilton, didn’t like his character in Black-ish, and think he is transcendent in this film he co-wrote with Rafael Casal, his co-star. The film is a love song to Oakland in many ways, but also a gut-wrenching indictment of police brutality, systemic racism and bias, and gentrification. The film has the freshness and raw visceral impact of Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. A great soundtrack, genre mixing, and energy make it one of my favorite movies of 2018.

October 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We had the opportunity to see our favorite band, The National, live in Dallas two weeks ago. Just after watching Mistaken for Strangers, the documentary sort of about the band. So we’ve spent a lot of time going back into their earlier work, listening to songs we don’t know well, and reaffirming that their musicality, smarts, and sound are both original and astoundingly good. They did not disappoint in concert and it is a good thing their tour ended, as we might just spend all of our time and money following them around. Matt Berninger is a genius and his lead vocals kill me (and because they are in my range, I can actually sing along!). Their arrangements are profoundly good and go right to whatever brain/heart wiring that pulls one in and doesn’t let them go.

What I’m reading:

Who is Richard Powers and why have I only discovered him now, with his 12th book? Overstory is profoundly good, a book that is essential and powerful and makes me look at my everyday world in new ways. In short, a dizzying example of how powerful can be narrative in the hands of a master storyteller. I hesitate to say it’s the best environmental novel I’ve ever read (it is), because that would put this book in a category. It is surely about the natural world, but it is as much about we humans. It’s monumental and elegiac and wondrous at all once. Cancel your day’s schedule and read it now. Then plant a tree. A lot of them.

What I’m watching:

Bo Burnham wrote and directed Eighth Grade and Elsie Fisher is nothing less than amazing as its star (what’s with these new child actors; see Florida Project). It’s funny and painful and touching. It’s also the single best film treatment that I have seen of what it means to grow up in a social media shaped world. It’s a reminder that growing up is hard. Maybe harder now in a world of relentless, layered digital pressure to curate perfect lives that are far removed from the natural messy worlds and selves we actually inhabit. It’s a well-deserved 98% on Rotten Tomatoes and I wonder who dinged it for the missing 2%.

September 7, 2018

What I’m listening to:

With a cover pointing back to the Beastie Boys’ 1986 Licensed to Ill, Eminem’s quietly released Kamikaze is not my usual taste, but I’ve always admired him for his “all out there” willingness to be personal, to call people out, and his sheer genius with language. I thought Daveed Diggs could rap fast, but Eminem is supersonic at moments, and still finds room for melody. Love that he includes Joyner Lucas, whose “I’m Not Racist” gets added to the growing list of simply amazing music videos commenting on race in America. There are endless reasons why I am the least likely Eminem fan, but when no one is around to make fun of me, I’ll put it on again.

What I’m reading:

Lesley Blume’s Everyone Behaves Badly, which is the story behind Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises and his time in 1920s Paris (oh, what a time – see Midnight in Paris if you haven’t already). Of course, Blume disabuses my romantic ideas of that time and place and everyone is sort of (or profoundly so) a jerk, especially…no spoiler here…Hemingway. That said, it is a compelling read and coming off the Henry James inspired prose of Mrs. Osmond, it made me appreciate more how groundbreaking was Hemingway’s modern prose style. Like his contemporary Picasso, he reinvented the art and it can be easy to forget, these decades later, how profound was the change and its impact. And it has bullfights.

What I’m watching:

Chloé Zhao’s The Rider is just exceptional. It’s filmed on the Pine Ridge Reservation, which provides a stunning landscape, and it feels like a classic western reinvented for our times. The main characters are played by the real-life people who inspired this narrative (but feels like a documentary) film. Brady Jandreau, playing himself really, owns the screen. It’s about manhood, honor codes, loss, and resilience – rendered in sensitive, nuanced, and heartfelt ways. It feels like it could be about large swaths of America today. Really powerful.

August 16, 2018

What I’m listening to:

In my Spotify Daily Mix was Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman, one of the world’s greatest love songs. Go online and read the story of how the song was discovered and recorded. There are competing accounts, but Sledge said he improvised it after a bad breakup. It has that kind of aching spontaneity. It is another hit from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, one of the GREAT music hotbeds, along with Detroit, Nashville, and Memphis. Our February Board meeting is in Alabama and I may finally have to do the pilgrimage road trip to Muscle Shoals and then Memphis, dropping in for Sunday services at the church where Rev. Al Green still preaches and sings. If the music is all like this, I will be saved.

What I’m reading:

John Banville’s Mrs. Osmond, his homage to literary idol Henry James and an imagined sequel to James’ 1881 masterpiece Portrait of a Lady. Go online and read the first paragraph of Chapter 25. He is…profoundly good. Makes me want to never write again, since anything I attempt will feel like some other, lowly activity in comparison to his mastery of language, image, syntax. This is slow reading, every sentence to be savored.

What I’m watching:

I’ve always respected Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but we just watched the documentary RGB. It is over-the-top great and she is now one of my heroes. A superwoman in many ways and the documentary is really well done. There are lots of scenes of her speaking to crowds and the way young women, especially law students, look at her is touching. And you can’t help but fall in love with her now late husband Marty. See this movie and be reminded of how important is the Law.

July 23, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spotify’s Summer Acoustic playlist has been on repeat quite a lot. What a fun way to listen to artists new to me, including The Paper Kites, Hollow Coves, and Fleet Foxes, as well as old favorites like Leon Bridges and Jose Gonzalez. Pretty chill when dialing back to a summer pace, dining on the screen porch or reading a book.

What I’m reading:

Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy. Founder of the Equal Justice Initiative, Stevenson tells of the racial injustice (and the war on the poor our judicial system perpetuates as well) that he discovered as a young graduate from Harvard Law School and his fight to address it. It is in turn heartbreaking, enraging, and inspiring. It is also about mercy and empathy and justice that reads like a novel. Brilliant.

What I’m watching:

Fauda. We watched season one of this Israeli thriller. It was much discussed in Israel because while it focuses on an ex-special agent who comes out of retirement to track down a Palestinian terrorist, it was willing to reveal the complexity, richness, and emotions of Palestinian lives. And the occasional brutality of the Israelis. Pretty controversial stuff in Israel. Lior Raz plays Doron, the main character, and is compelling and tough and often hard to like. He’s a mess. As is the world in which he has to operate. We really liked it, and also felt guilty because while it may have been brave in its treatment of Palestinians within the Israeli context, it falls back into some tired tropes and ultimately falls short on this front.

June 11, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Like everyone else, I’m listening to Pusha T drop the mic on Drake. Okay, not really, but do I get some points for even knowing that? We all walk around with songs that immediately bring us back to a time or a place. Songs are time machines. We are coming up on Father’s Day. My own dad passed away on Father’s Day back in 1994 and I remembering dutifully getting through the wake and funeral and being strong throughout. Then, sitting alone in our kitchen, Don Henley’s The End of the Innocence came on and I lost it. When you lose a parent for the first time (most of us have two after all) we lose our innocence and in that passage, we suddenly feel adult in a new way (no matter how old we are), a longing for our own childhood, and a need to forgive and be forgiven. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll understand. As Wordsworth reminds us in In Memoriam, there are seasons to our grief and, all these years later, this song no longer hits me in the gut, but does transport me back with loving memories of my father. I’ll play it Father’s Day.

What I’m reading:

The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin. I am not a reader of fantasy or sci-fi, though I understand they can be powerful vehicles for addressing the very real challenges of the world in which we actually live. I’m not sure I know of a more vivid and gripping illustration of that fact than N. K. Jemisin’s Hugo Award winning novel The Fifth Season, first in her Broken Earth trilogy. It is astounding. It is the fantasy parallel to The Underground Railroad, my favorite recent read, a depiction of subjugation, power, casual violence, and a broken world in which our hero(s) struggle, suffer mightily, and still, somehow, give us hope. It is a tour de force book. How can someone be this good a writer? The first 30 pages pained me (always with this genre, one must learn a new, constructed world, and all of its operating physics and systems of order), and then I could not put it down. I panicked as I neared the end, not wanting to finish the book, and quickly ordered the Obelisk Gate, the second novel in the trilogy, and I can tell you now that I’ll be spending some goodly portion of my weekend in Jemisin’s other world.

What I’m watching:

The NBA Finals and perhaps the best basketball player of this generation. I’ve come to deeply respect LeBron James as a person, a force for social good, and now as an extraordinary player at the peak of his powers. His superhuman play during the NBA playoffs now ranks with the all-time greats, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, MJ, Kobe, and the demi-god that was Bill Russell. That his Cavs lost in a 4-game sweep is no surprise. It was a mediocre team being carried on the wide shoulders of James (and matched against one of the greatest teams ever, the Warriors, and the Harry Potter of basketball, Steph Curry) and, in some strange way, his greatness is amplified by the contrast with the rest of his team. It was a great run.

May 24, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I’ve always liked Alicia Keys and admired her social activism, but I am hooked on her last album Here. This feels like an album finally commensurate with her anger, activism, hope, and grit. More R&B and Hip Hop than is typical for her, I think this album moves into an echelon inhabited by a Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On or Beyonce’s Formation. Social activism and outrage rarely make great novels, but they often fuel great popular music. Here is a terrific example.

What I’m reading:

Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad may be close to a flawless novel. Winner of the 2017 Pulitzer, it chronicles the lives of two runaway slaves, Cora and Caeser, as they try to escape the hell of plantation life in Georgia. It is an often searing novel and Cora is one of the great heroes of American literature. I would make this mandatory reading in every high school in America, especially in light of the absurd revisionist narratives of “happy and well cared for” slaves. This is a genuinely great novel, one of the best I’ve read, the magical realism and conflating of time periods lifts it to another realm of social commentary, relevance, and a blazing indictment of America’s Original Sin, for which we remain unabsolved.

What I’m watching:

I thought I knew about The Pentagon Papers, but The Post, a real-life political thriller from Steven Spielberg taught me a lot, features some of our greatest actors, and is so timely given the assault on our democratic institutions and with a presidency out of control. It is a reminder that a free and fearless press is a powerful part of our democracy, always among the first targets of despots everywhere. The story revolves around the legendary Post owner and D.C. doyenne, Katharine Graham. I had the opportunity to see her son, Don Graham, right after he saw the film, and he raved about Meryl Streep’s portrayal of his mother. Liked it a lot more than I expected.

April 27, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I mentioned John Prine in a recent post and then on the heels of that mention, he has released a new album, The Tree of Forgiveness, his first new album in ten years. Prine is beloved by other singer songwriters and often praised by the inscrutable God that is Bob Dylan. Indeed, Prine was frequently said to be the “next Bob Dylan” in the early part of his career, though he instead carved out his own respectable career and voice, if never with the dizzying success of Dylan. The new album reflects a man in his 70s, a cancer survivor, who reflects on life and its end, but with the good humor and empathy that are hallmarks of Prine’s music. “When I Get To Heaven” is a rollicking, fun vision of what comes next and a pure delight. A charming, warm, and often terrific album.

What I’m reading:

I recently read Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko, on many people’s Top Ten lists for last year and for good reason. It is sprawling, multi-generational, and based in the world of Japanese occupied Korea and then in the Korean immigrant’s world of Oaska, so our key characters become “tweeners,” accepted in neither world. It’s often unspeakably sad, and yet there is resiliency and love. There is also intimacy, despite the time and geographic span of the novel. It’s breathtakingly good and like all good novels, transporting.

What I’m watching:

I adore Guillermo del Toro’s 2006 film, Pan’s Labyrinth, and while I’m not sure his Shape of Water is better, it is a worthy follow up to the earlier masterpiece (and more of a commercial success). Lots of critics dislike the film, but I’m okay with a simple retelling of a Beauty and the Beast love story, as predictable as it might be. The acting is terrific, it is visually stunning, and there are layers of pain as well as social and political commentary (the setting is the US during the Cold War) and, no real spoiler here, the real monsters are humans, the military officer who sees over the captured aquatic creature. It is hauntingly beautiful and its depiction of hatred to those who are different or “other” is painfully resonant with the time in which we live. Put this on your “must see” list.

March 18, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Sitting on a plane for hours (and many more to go; geez, Australia is far away) is a great opportunity to listen to new music and to revisit old favorites. This time, it is Lucy Dacus and her album Historians, the new sophomore release from a 22-year old indie artist that writes with relatable, real-life lyrics. Just on a second listen and while she insists this isn’t a break up record (as we know, 50% of all great songs are break up songs), it is full of loss and pain. Worth the listen so far. For the way back machine, it’s John Prine and In Spite of Ourselves (that title track is one of the great love songs of all time), a collection of duets with some of his “favorite girl singers” as he once described them. I have a crush on Iris Dement (for a really righteously angry song try her Wasteland of the Free), but there is also EmmyLou Harris, the incomparable Dolores Keane, and Lucinda Williams. Very different albums, both wonderful.

What I’m reading:

Jane Mayer’s New Yorker piece on Christopher Steele presents little that is new, but she pulls it together in a terrific and coherent whole that is illuminating and troubling at the same time. Not only for what is happening, but for the complicity of the far right in trying to discredit that which should be setting off alarm bells everywhere. Bob Mueller may be the most important defender of the democracy at this time. A must read.

What I’m watching:

Homeland is killing it this season and is prescient, hauntingly so. Russian election interference, a Bannon-style hate radio demagogue, alienated and gun toting militia types, and a president out of control. It’s fabulous, even if it feels awfully close to the evening news.

March 8, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We have a family challenge to compile our Top 100 songs. It is painful. Only 100? No more than three songs by one artist? Wait, why is M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” on my list? Should it just be The Clash from whom she samples? Can I admit to guilty pleasure songs? Hey, it’s my list and I can put anything I want on it. So I’m listening to the list while I work and the song playing right now is Tom Petty’s “The Wild One, Forever,” a B-side single that was never a hit and that remains my favorite Petty song. Also, “Evangeline” by Los Lobos. It evokes a night many years ago, with friends at Pearl Street in Northampton, MA, when everyone danced well past 1AM in a hot, sweaty, packed club and the band was a revelation. Maybe the best music night of our lives and a reminder that one’s 100 Favorite Songs list is as much about what you were doing and where you were in your life when those songs were playing as it is about the music. It’s not a list. It’s a soundtrack for this journey.

What I’m reading:

Patricia Lockwood’s Priestdaddy was in the NY Times top ten books of 2017 list and it is easy to see why. Lockwood brings remarkable and often surprising imagery, metaphor, and language to her prose memoir and it actually threw me off at first. It then all became clear when someone told me she is a poet. The book is laugh aloud funny, which masks (or makes safer anyway) some pretty dark territory. Anyone who grew up Catholic, whether lapsed or not, will resonate with her story. She can’t resist a bawdy anecdote and her family provides some of the most memorable characters possible, especially her father, her sister, and her mother, who I came to adore. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

What I’m watching:

The Florida Project, a profoundly good movie on so many levels. Start with the central character, six-year old (at the time of the filming) Brooklynn Prince, who owns – I mean really owns – the screen. This is pure acting genius and at that age? Astounding. Almost as astounding is Bria Vinaite, who plays her mother. She was discovered on Instagram and had never acted before this role, which she did with just three weeks of acting lessons. She is utterly convincing and the tension between the child’s absolute wonder and joy in the world with her mother’s struggle to provide, to be a mother, is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. Willem Dafoe rightly received an Oscar nomination for his supporting role. This is a terrific movie.

February 12, 2018

What I’m listening to:

So, I have a lot of friends of age (I know you’re thinking 40s, but I just turned 60) who are frozen in whatever era of music they enjoyed in college or maybe even in their thirties. There are lots of times when I reach back into the catalog, since music is one of those really powerful and transporting senses that can take you through time (smell is the other one, though often underappreciated for that power). Hell, I just bought a turntable and now spending time in vintage vinyl shops. But I’m trying to take a lesson from Pat, who revels in new music and can as easily talk about North African rap music and the latest National album as Meet the Beatles, her first ever album. So, I’ve been listening to Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy winning Damn. While it may not be the first thing I’ll reach for on a winter night in Maine, by the fire, I was taken with it. It’s layered, political, and weirdly sensitive and misogynist at the same time, and it feels fresh and authentic and smart at the same time, with music that often pulled me from what I was doing. In short, everything music should do. I’m not a bit cooler for listening to Damn, but when I followed it with Steely Dan, I felt like I was listening to Lawrence Welk. A good sign, I think.

What I’m reading:

I am reading Walter Isaacson’s new biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I’m not usually a reader of biographies, but I’ve always been taken with Leonardo. Isaacson does not disappoint (does he ever?), and his subject is at once more human and accessible and more awe-inspiring in Isaacson’s capable hands. Gay, left-handed, vegetarian, incapable of finishing things, a wonderful conversationalist, kind, and perhaps the most relentlessly curious human being who has ever lived. Like his biographies of Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein, Isaacson’s project here is to show that genius lives at the intersection of science and art, of rationality and creativity. Highly recommend it.

What I’m watching:

We watched the This Is Us post-Super Bowl episode, the one where Jack finally buys the farm. I really want to hate this show. It is melodramatic and manipulative, with characters that mostly never change or grow, and it hooks me every damn time we watch it. The episode last Sunday was a tear jerker, a double whammy intended to render into a blubbering, tissue-crumbling pathetic mess anyone who has lost a parent or who is a parent. Sterling K. Brown, Ron Cephas Jones, the surprising Mandy Moore, and Milo Ventimiglia are hard not to love and last season’s episode that had only Brown and Cephas going to Memphis was the show at its best (they are by far the two best actors). Last week was the show at its best worst. In other words, I want to hate it, but I love it. If you haven’t seen it, don’t binge watch it. You’ll need therapy and insulin.

January 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Drive-By Truckers. Chris Stapleton has me on an unusual (for me) country theme and I discovered these guys to my great delight. They’ve been around, with some 11 albums, but the newest one is fascinating. It’s a deep dive into Southern alienation and the white working-class world often associated with our current president. I admire the willingness to lay bare, in kick ass rock songs, the complexities and pain at work among people we too quickly place into overly simple categories. These guys are brave, bold, and thoughtful as hell, while producing songs I didn’t expect to like, but that I keep playing. And they are coming to NH.

What I’m reading:

A textual analog to Drive-By Truckers by Chris Stapleton in many ways is Tony Horowitz’s 1998 Pulitzer Prize winning Confederates in the Attic. Ostensibly about the Civil War and the South’s ongoing attachment to it, it is prescient and speaks eloquently to the times in which we live (where every southern state but Virginia voted for President Trump). Often hilarious, it too surfaces complexities and nuance that escape a more recent, and widely acclaimed, book like Hillbilly Elegy. As a Civil War fan, it was also astonishing in many instances, especially when it blows apart long-held “truths” about the war, such as the degree to which Sherman burned down the south (he did not). Like D-B Truckers, Horowitz loves the South and the people he encounters, even as he grapples with its myths of victimhood and exceptionalism (and racism, which may be no more than the racism in the north, but of a different kind). Everyone should read this book and I’m embarrassed I’m so late to it.

What I’m watching:

David Letterman has a new Netflix show called “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” and we watched the first episode, in which Letterman interviewed Barack Obama. It was extraordinary (if you don’t have Netflix, get it just to watch this show); not only because we were reminded of Obama’s smarts, grace, and humanity (and humor), but because we saw a side of Letterman we didn’t know existed. His personal reflections on Selma were raw and powerful, almost painful. He will do five more episodes with “extraordinary individuals” and if they are anything like the first, this might be the very best work of his career and one of the best things on television.

December 22, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished Sunjeev Sahota’s Year of the Runaways, a painful inside look at the plight of illegal Indian immigrant workers in Britain. It was shortlisted for 2015 Man Booker Prize and its transporting, often to a dark and painful universe, and it is impossible not to think about the American version of this story and the terrible way we treat the undocumented in our own country, especially now.

What I’m watching:

Season II of The Crown is even better than Season I. Elizabeth’s character is becoming more three-dimensional, the modern world is catching up with tradition-bound Britain, and Cold War politics offer more context and tension than we saw in Season I. Claire Foy, in her last season, is just terrific – one arched eye brow can send a message.

What I’m listening to:

A lot of Christmas music, but needing a break from the schmaltz, I’ve discovered Over the Rhine and their Christmas album, Snow Angels. God, these guys are good.

November 14, 2017

What I’m watching:

Guiltily, I watch the Patriots play every weekend, often building my schedule and plans around seeing the game. Why the guilt? I don’t know how morally defensible is football anymore, as we now know the severe damage it does to the players. We can’t pretend it’s all okay anymore. Is this our version of late decadent Rome, watching mostly young Black men take a terrible toll on each other for our mere entertainment?

What I’m reading:

Recently finished J.G. Ballard’s 2000 novel Super-Cannes, a powerful depiction of a corporate-tech ex-pat community taken over by a kind of psychopathology, in which all social norms and responsibilities are surrendered to residents of the new world community. Kept thinking about Silicon Valley when reading it. Pretty dark, dystopian view of the modern world and centered around a mass killing, troublingly prescient.

What I’m listening to:

Was never really a Lorde fan, only knowing her catchy (and smarter than you might first guess) pop hit “Royals” from her debut album. But her new album, Melodrama, is terrific and it doesn’t feel quite right to call this “pop.” There is something way more substantial going on with Lorde and I can see why many critics put this album at the top of their Best in 2017 list. Count me in as a huge fan.

November 3, 2017

What I’m reading: Just finished Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, her breathtakingly good second novel. How is someone so young so wise? Her writing is near perfection and I read the book in two days, setting my alarm for 4:30AM so I could finish it before work.

What I’m watching: We just binge watched season two of Stranger Things and it was worth it just to watch Millie Bobbie Brown, the transcendent young actor who plays Eleven. The series is a delightful mash up of every great eighties horror genre you can imagine and while pretty dark, an absolute joy to watch.

What I’m listening to: I’m not a lover of country music (to say the least), but I love Chris Stapleton. His “The Last Thing I Needed, First Thing This Morning” is heartbreakingly good and reminds me of the old school country that played in my house as a kid. He has a new album and I can’t wait, but his From A Room: Volume 1 is on repeat for now.

September 26, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished George Saunder’s Lincoln in the Bardo. It took me a while to accept its cadence and sheer weirdness, but loved it in the end. A painful meditation on loss and grief, and a genuinely beautiful exploration of the intersection of life and death, the difficulty of letting go of what was, good and bad, and what never came to be.

What I’m watching:

HBO’s The Deuce. Times Square and the beginning of the porn industry in the 1970s, the setting made me wonder if this was really something I’d want to see. But David Simon is the writer and I’d read a menu if he wrote it. It does not disappoint so far and there is nothing prurient about it.

What I’m listening to:

The National’s new album Sleep Well Beast. I love this band. The opening piano notes of the first song, “Nobody Else Will Be There,” seize me & I’m reminded that no one else in music today matches their arrangement & musicianship. I’m adding “Born to Beg,” “Slow Show,” “I Need My Girl,” and “Runaway” to my list of favorite love songs.

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reliquiaenfr · 6 years ago

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slam DUNKS questions at ur lore like uhhhhh.,, 1, 10, 11, 15, 22, 31, 38?

and the crowd goes WILD! thanks man! ♥ questions here. under a read more bc there’s a lot

Write from the perspective of an outsider ofyour lair, what is their first impression? How have they discovered this group?How are they greeted?

i have actually written a short story from the perspective of an outsider to the clan! you can read it here. i actually love writing from the pov of a guest bc there’s so much creepy stuff that goes on in the lair that the residents are like ‘eh w/e that’s just another tuesday’ about lol. just for you epher:

Something had guided his wings around to the west. Despite being sure he could see a canyon snaking through the red rock below, he circled around the grassy plainlands and thickly treed flats towards the strait in the north. He couldn’t explain why to himself even as he did so, and he won’t be able to explain why to anyone who ever asks him (not even the lair’s residents), but a tingle runs down his spine when he descends towards the treetops so he skims them rather than trying to find a place to land.

And he finds a cove. The canyon spits sand and rivers out from beneath the trees and into the ocean and here there are docks bustling with activity. The tingling eases and he drops lower before tucking his wings to his sides and landing on the loose sand with a puff.

At first he is met only by the wary stares of beastfolk as they trot along the docks and pack crates onto their slender skiffs. Then a dragon spots him. The Imperial is huge and blue and almost impossible to look at, shimmering in the sunlight as if she can’t properly be perceived by regular sight.

She is polite and cheerful and touches her heart with her hand when she greets him, a smiling dragon (he assumes, anyway, he can hear the smile in her voice but it’s hard to see when she’s so luminescent). She shows him along the beachfront, pointing out clan members and explaining their purpose. A guard is always along the docks - to keep fights from happening between guests, she tells him, but the look in her eye suggests something else. There are merchants to trade with, should he feel so inclined; her son among them. But when the little Nocturne speaks it’s with a lilt and a smile and a turn of phrase that make his hackles rise without even looking at the wares. She points out the Assembly, in case he has something he wants to take up with the clan’s leadership. And eventually they make it to the Lodge, a place for guests to stay - for a small fee - and run by a bright little light spirit the Imperial introduces as Passage.

As she turns to leave him to settle in, however, she imparts one last piece of information - advice, even - and the gravity in her voice sends his stomach plunging to his feet.

“Do not leave the docks.” Those are all her words, no explanation is given. But he shivers all the same.

And when the sun begins to set a faint mist rises around the Lodge, a soft song can be heard over the waves in the cove, a strange tug pulls at his ribs to draw him into the woods. Resisting the whispers is the hardest thing he has ever done. But he thinks, perhaps, to give in is to surrender one’s life to this place.

Are there any customs aroundhatching? Who is present? Is their any members who specialize in the care ofeggs or hatchlings? Are eggs ever hatched too early?

one parent is almost always present, but if not that’s okay too! the eggs are kept in an open sided series of rooms carved into the sides of one of the great big spires of rock that grow out of the canyon’s floor. it’s within the bounds of the lair’s magic so most outsiders will never see it. the lair is tended predominantly by inerri, but with help from select others including a collection of beastfolk who also use the spire to lay eggs/give birth when necessary. the nesting spire also doubles as the place where youngsters get their first education (dispensed by inerri, pencil, helix and anthelion).

there aren’t really that many eggs in the clan very often so when there are great care is taken to ensure they are tended properly. this often means making sure they are incubated to proper term. but yeah ofc sometimes an egg hatches early, some hatch late too.

Are there any gestures present? Similar to ourwaves, nods, etc

i assume this means gestures specific to the clan? bc i haven’t really thought about that much haha. there is a gesture used to signal respect where the first two fingers of a hand are touched to head or heart. it can be used when greeting dignitaries too, crossfire and seven do it a lot as representatives.

there’s also a little tail swish like okay. i use it a lot in my writing anyway where a dragon might use their tail to gently brush the tail of someone important to them - usually a mate - so i guess there’s that too. it’s a soft little thing like a real personal sorta pda, kinda intimate when done in public like an acknowledgement that this dragon is real special to them. idk if it counts tho.

How do religious beliefs play arole in everyday life? Is there an organised clergy?

lmao they have fen and shiana so naw not really a clergy. religion is very individualised. there is what everyone calls the temple tree which has shrines built into the branches and around the trunk (it’s a huge tree) and it’s sorta just accepted that if you wanna do the worship thing you can go there and do that but if you don’t wanna then that’s cool too. there are no public services or anything. fen looks after the tree and shiana is referred to as a priestess but no one seems to care whether that means anything religious or not.

What, if any, foods are considered a delicacy?How is food prepared? Is there any forbidden or taboo foods?

taboo? nah not really. cannibalism is a big no no though. and look. fiend ate her own children. so like. yeah big no to eating other dragons. no to eating beastfolk also. there are seasonal restrictions sometimes, piper, ravelin and osprey are always really careful and vocal about not overtaxing populations of any sort of animal so if the like... deer herds are small one year they won’t eat too many of them and all that. they’re p careful about it.

but they’re a clan that’s like super bound to the natural world and are big on their fruits n vegies n fishing n stuff like that. real classic hunter/gatherer type clan. so processed foods like sweets are hard to find in the canyon and osprey ships them in so they’re kinda like a delicacy haha. there’s no communal kitchen either, food is prepared by the individual in whatever way they prefer so sometimes that can be influenced by the flight they came from. the lair is real chill about that kinda shit tbh. ain’t no shits given. do what you like.

Are there any restrictions onmagic or spells? What and why? If not, does this cause any issues?

lmao no the clan is BUILT on magic. yeah this can be a problem tho like anthelion was all ‘yes guys i’m putting my magical alarm spell around this new lair so we don’t get surprised okay yes i’m doin this as we speak’ and they were all well MAYBE do smth different this time bc it didn’t stop fiend from killing HEAPS OF US LAST TIME and anth was all ‘fine then i guess i’ll do smth different’ and so she did some weird shit with the magic and now the lair is filled with magic that eats visitors????? like yeah that’s a bit of a problem.

sometimes the lack of restrictions means someone goes ‘oh fuck tarryn’s at it again’ and you look up and all the hatchling have grown like spines or weird purple blotches or dragons with fur are now all entirely BALD bc she put some shit in the water and now we all hairless great. or w/e like problems happen. it’s chill tho they live with it.

Are symbols a significant aspect of life? Ifthey are, what are symbols, what do they mean? Are certain symbols worn?

mmmm not really. the clan is SUPER relaxed about stuff so eh. they do have charms they give to any dragon marked for exaltation. you can read about pilgrims here. but other than that nah not so much.

maybe one day i’ll think of smth and go OH SHIT YEA that’d be a cool symbol to have !! but today is not that day so all my dragons are like lazy bums and they just hang out n chill all day lmao.

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jess-oh · 7 years ago

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Reflection

I’m pretty tired but I just showered so I’m feeling better now. I do really want to write this before going to sleep tonight.

I’ve been getting a lot better at sleeping earlier and getting everything done much sooner! Working on the first floor is always fun. But, since I don’t stay up as late anymore, I don’t get as much done and I feel like I’m procrastinating. Like if I just stayed up tonight, I could knock my graphic design hw out of the park but then I would be really tired at church tomorrow. And I do want to pay attention and better develop my relationship with God. I actually didn’t get depressed today though, which is gr9. Overal, today was a pretty good day. I hope I’m not just rushing into things tho.

I woke up around 7am but decided to push myself to go back to sleep bc I could and by 9am, I was up and ready to start the day. So I waited about 40min for Sam to rejoin the living before Skyping him. We discussed games and settled on what to do. I was trying really hard not to micromanage and make him do what I want to do and just be okay with his decision. I trust his decision. Also, yknow, if it fails, I can blame it on him since it was his call. But I know I shouldn’t. If the second game fails, I should be the one to take responsibility and figure it out. Not him. Sigh. Anyway, I was a little frustrated this morning bc Rhyarna didn’t wake up in time and Emily and Eliza were taking their sweet time to get ready. But I also didn’t plan it super well so I didn’t say anything. I was partly to blame. I should’ve checked the transportation times before today and told them that we’d be leaving ten minutes earlier instead of 11;30, when the bus would be arriving. So it was really my fault, not theirs. And we were about 8min late but that was okay. The apartment in Hyde Park was super nice and I was surprised to like it so much. I was prepared to just say we were just looking around but they’re actually willing to secure the apartment for us until June 1st which is amazing. After going over utilities, renter’s insurance, and all that jazz, the living expenses aren’t actually too bad! I think I could handle paying for my own utilities along with groceries for a while. And my parents are okay with paying for my rent each month. It really just comes down to Rhyarna. And I know that it’s a process but I really hope she decides soon bc I really want to live there. It would be so much fun living off campus in my own apartment. I’m actually adulting! It’s exciting! And I hope I’m not being too eager! I should probably look for work elsewhere as well bc I won’t be able to work the whole time over the summer since it’s an on campus thing. I would want to but I don’t think any shifts will be available. I sure wish I could tho. I definitely need to start saving money now. It would take me about 13 weeks to reach a thousand dollars if I took out 20% of my paycheck everytime. Which is actually almost the whole semester... And even though we get a lot of money back during the second month, that’s basically all my money for the first two months right there. Well, no. Because my parents would be covering that. And yeah, with that money it would be the admin fee, move in fee, renters insurance, etc. But still, I think I could live off of $1000 for a couple months. Maybe not until October though since we usually have to wait a month before the money starts to roll in...hm.... Usually, groceries are going to cost me ~$60 every couple weeks. I could probably get away with $30 if I really tried to budget. And in that case, I could save more money sooner. I need to be able to last 4 months off of however much money. And if it was just groceries, that’d probably be okay. But I have to think about furniture too which would be a big chunk of it right away. Hm, maybe moving in so early isn’t such a good deal after all. Unless I keep working and find a different job, at least for over the summer while I’m in Chicago? That would definitely help me a lot. Well, I should definitely start saving at least 20% of each paycheck now. and we’ll see if i can find a job over the summer. i would work now but i dont want to overwhelm myself w/ 20hrs at work rn on top of school. i should ease into that if i want to work even more so that i still have time for hw and my church activities. But I think I’ll be okay. Hopefully. I also want to still buy birthday gifts for my friends this year so that may be an issue later on. Even rn, I’m thinking of going back to my sub of the day lifestyle bc i want to get Jeanne&David a gift now but by the time I get paid, it’ll be too late. So I have to use the money I have rn. Imma be broke, real fast. I should’ve taken better care of it. I am taking care of myself a lot more this year but I’m slowly realizing how expensive it is. It makes me almost regret it.

Anyway, Hyde Park was really nice and all the while, I texted Andrew when I could and it was really nice. He was just venting about Emily and how he’s moving on and I’m really happy for him. It was nice to see him so excited. Or I guess emotional is a better word? He claims to be a really chill guy and he is but I’m also so happy whenever he allows himself to have emotions. To feel anger and frustration and joy and sadness and everything in between. It’s okay to be an emotional person. That’s what makes you human. And I was really glad to be talking with him. And I know I was pretty pessimistic towards Emily in the past but I’m really trying to be more optimistic now and give her the benefit of the doubt instead of always immediately assuming the worst and encouraging Andrew to do the same. By the way, I don’t think I could ever tell him that I liked him in a crush sort of way. It would change everything. And not necessarily bc we’re friends and that’d be weird but bc I discovered that he’s a really emotional person and I don’t want to mess with him like that. That’s just shitty and he doesn’t deserve that. Especially right now. Also, I kind of liked how the other day I was in the middle of typing a message to him but never sent it. It was a good reminder so I purposefully did it again last night. It was something along the lines of, “I’m happy for you and I don’t want to take that away from you so I don’t want to say anything to you.” But when I was so excited to reply to him today, I ended up just deleting that immediately and almost regretted that I didn’t actually write it down. But I am pretty sure that it was along the lines of that so I’m glad that I got to document it somewhere to look back on.

But after that, we traveled up to Bucktown and were a bit intimidated by the apartment. It was really nice but a little too nice. I don’t think we were ready for it. It even had an upstairs. It straight up felt like a house. It actually had a laundry room and everything. And while the price was doable, I think we were all a bit scared. And plus, the tenants are looking for someone to move in by March 1st anyway which is a bit too early for us so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. But it was still nice to check out and understand the different neighborhoods a bit better.

After that, Rhyarna and Emily hung out while Eliza and I went back to the dorm. Oh, we also ate at McDonalds and played on a playground after the second apartment. That was actually so much fun just being able to let go and feeling like a kid again. Being unapologetically dumb, haha.

But yeah, Eliza and I went home and she knocked out while I chatted on the phone a bit with my sister and then doing more research into the apartment. Then, we went back out to Hyde Park along with Rhyarna’s roommate and just explored the area. I did feel like I was going out of my way to be witty and funny that night but it was still a fun experience nonetheless. And plus, her roomie actually had a wine opener so I finally opened the bottle and drank with my friends. And then I decided to give the rest to my roommates so that they could take it away from me. Which I think was the right thing to do. But I also wasn’t living the most Christlike today which I do regret. I kept trying to fit in and be cool by cussing and saying I casually drink and using the Lord’s name in vain and I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. I was definitely aware of what I was doing and saying and how it was wrong but I continued anyway.

I do want to continue to be more open and accepting of who God is and really embrace that but I’m not there yet. I did pray long and hard about whether or not I should become a member at Lakeview and God gave me multiple signs that I should stay and commit. But at this point in my life, I am still hardcore struggling to rely on Him instead of myself and that makes me feel like I’m not quite ready to make that step yet. But maybe that’s moreso serving next year with Lakeview. And I haven’t really had time to pray about it either which is unfortunate but that’s really my own fault. Aside from not having a great outlet so I can just pray, I also think a part of me is afraid of the answer that God is going to show me. And I honestly don’t know which possibility I’m more scared of. But that’s where I’m at right now. I think I’ll take the forms to church tomorrow and be ready to give them to P. William but who knows if I’ll actually move forward with it. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.

#reflection

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thesnhuup · 5 years ago

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Pop Picks — July 1, 2019

July 1, 2019

What I’m listening to:

What I’m reading:

What I’m watching:

The BBC-HBO limited series Years and Years is breathtaking, scary, and absolutely familiar. It’s as if Black Mirror and Children of Men had a baby and it precisely captures the zeitgeist, the current sense that the world is spinning out of control and things are coming at us too fast. It is a near future (Trump has been re-elected and Brexit has occurred finally)…not dystopia exactly, but damn close. The closing scene of last week’s first episode (there are 6 episodes and it’s on every Monday) shows nuclear war breaking out between China and the U.S. Yikes! The scope of this show is wide and there is a big, baggy feel to it – but I love the ambition even if I’m not looking forward to the nightmares.