#I’m just a little slow to getting to things this week

[pbaz7]

AGAINST THE TIDE: PART EIGHT

paige x azzi

word count: 3.5k

A/N: I’m sorry 😔 it’s necessary for the plot. It’s also kinda all the other writers fault because they broke my heart too many times with their updates recently so I was being a masochist. Leave some live reactions and I’ll make it up to you before the weekend is over.

—————————————————————————

September 2022

It had been a whirlwind of a few months for Paige. Between tearing her ACL during a pickup game in August and spending weeks avoiding everyone—including Azzi—things had been rough. At first, Paige couldn’t stand to be around anyone, the weight of her injury crushing her spirit. She didn’t understand why this kept happening to her. The most she could manage was sitting silently on FaceTime with Azzi, who didn’t push, didn’t prod—just sat there on the other end, offering quiet support.

Eventually, Paige started to miss her. Not just the quiet presence on the phone, but Azzi herself. She missed her laugh, her teasing comments, and the way she always seemed to know when Paige needed someone to hold her together. She knew she wouldn’t get better by sulking, so she started physical therapy. Azzi, of course, was by her side every step of the way, cheering her on through the grueling sessions and sneaking in snacks when she thought the trainers weren’t looking. One day Paige even pointed out that Azzi didn’t have to sneak her snacks, she could just give them to her and Azzi shushed her saying it was no fun that way.

The connection between them was undeniable, and as soon as they were back to spending every moment together in person, they fell right back into their old habits—flirting, teasing, and, inevitably, sleeping together. They had been doing that a lot since that night in the Jeep.

Now, their situationship was as confusing as ever. Best friends, friends with benefits, something more—they didn’t bother defining it. What mattered to Azzi was that they were together in some way, even if it wasn’t official.

The team’s popularity had skyrocketed since their championship run, with Paige’s popularity growing right along with it. It seemed like every time they went out, someone stopped her for pictures or autographs. Paige always said yes, her natural charisma making her a magnet for attention. Azzi usually found it amusing—until recently.

She’d never considered herself a jealous person before, but watching people fawn over Paige had started to get under her skin in ways she didn’t want to admit. Paige always teased her about it when they got back to their room, whispering in her ear about how she only had eyes for Azzi. Those moments usually ended with clothes scattered across the floor and all frustration Azzi had prior completely gone.

Tonight, the team was at Ted’s, their usual hangout spot. Paige, still on crutches, sat at their table while Azzi headed to the bar to grab them drinks. Insisting that she didn’t want Paige hobbling across the crowded room.

While waiting for the bartender, Azzi glanced back toward the team’s table—and froze. Three random girls had surrounded Paige, their body language a little too friendly for her liking.

One of them leaned in, her hand brushing against Paige’s forearm as she laughed at something the blonde said. Another one tossed her hair over her shoulder, clearly trying to get Paige’s attention. The third girl just stood there, starry-eyed, hanging on Paige’s every word, though Paige wasn’t saying much.

Paige just smiled and nodded as they spoke, her natural charm working its magic even though she wasn’t meaning for it to.

Paige’s gaze suddenly shifted, locking with Azzi’s from across the room. A slow, knowing smirk spread across her face as if she could feel the possessiveness simmering behind Azzi’s dark eyes. She winked, and Azzi’s jaw clenched.

Azzi grabbed their drinks from the bar, her grip tight around the glasses as she made her way back. When she reached the table, one of the girls noticed her approach and immediately lit up.

“Oh my god, you’re Azzi, right? Paige’s teammate?” she asked, her tone overly friendly.

Azzi raised an eyebrow, placing the drinks down. “Yeah. Teammate,” she replied coolly, slipping into the seat next to Paige—closer than necessary, her shoulder brushing Paige’s.

Paige looked over, biting back a smile at Azzi’s obvious claim of space. “Thanks, Az,” she said lightly, reaching for her drink.

The girls, undeterred, continued talking over one another, their eagerness to capture Paige’s attention almost comical. Paige didn’t lean into it, but she didn’t shut it down either, her polite demeanor keeping the conversation going.

“So, Paige,” one of the girls said, a playful edge to her voice. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Before Paige could respond, Azzi froze beside her, her grip on her drink a little tight.

“No,” Paige said simply, her tone casual.

Azzi scoffed, the sound loud enough to draw Paige’s attention. Paige glanced at her briefly, her expression unreadable, before turning back to the girls. “Not really looking, though,” she added.

Azzi opened her mouth, ready to make a smart comment, but before she could, one of the girls leaned in closer to Paige. In her attempt to get Paige’s attention, the girl bumped Paige’s injured knee.

Paige winced, her hand immediately going to her leg. The sharp intake of breath she let out wasn’t loud, but it was enough to make Azzi snap.

“You need to be careful,” Azzi said, her voice a little tight, cutting through the noise around them.

The girls all froze, surprised by the sudden shift in Azzi’s tone. She glared at them, her usual calm replaced by an edge of irritation. “I think you guys should go,” she said, her voice low and laced with a little venom.

The three exchanged glances, murmuring awkward excuses and apologies to Paige as they shuffled away, leaving Paige and Azzi alone at the table.

“You didn’t have to scare them off,” Paige said, though there was a hint of amusement in her voice as she reached for her drink.

Azzi turned to her, her gaze softening as it dropped to Paige’s knee. “You okay?”

Paige nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips. “I’m fine. Didn’t know you were so protective.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, leaning back in her chair. “Someone has to be, considering how much you clearly love the attention.”

Paige chuckled, leaning toward her. “Only yours,” she whispered, her voice teasing.

Azzi’s lips twitched into a reluctant smile, her earlier anger melting away as Paige’s words settled between them.

…

The night continued with its usual buzz, but Paige and Azzi remained in their corner, the tension between them slowly dissolving as they sipped their drinks. They’d fallen into their familiar rhythm, laughing and leaning close as they talked about everything and nothing all at the same time.

That was, until another woman approached their table, her sights set squarely on Paige. Azzi noticed her immediately—the confident stride, the deliberate way she positioned herself in Paige’s line of sight, and the overly friendly smile she flashed.

“Hi,” the woman said, her voice smooth as she directed her attention toward Paige, completely ignoring Azzi. “I just wanted to say I’m a huge fan. You’re incredible on the court.”

Paige, immersed in her conversation with Azzi, looked up, her expression polite but distant. “Thank you,” she said, her tone kind but not inviting.

The woman didn’t take the hint, shifting closer as she spoke again. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but if you ever have time, I’d love to pick your brain about basketball. Maybe over some dinner sometime?”

Azzi’s jaw tightened, and Paige caught the subtle shift in her posture. Without missing a beat, Paige reached for her drink, her free hand brushing against Azzi’s under the table.

“Sorry, but I’m not really looking for anything these days,” Paige replied smoothly, her eyes flicking briefly to Azzi before settling back on the woman. “But I appreciate the support.”

The woman hesitated, clearly not expecting the polite rejection, before finally backing off with a forced smile. Once she was out of earshot, Paige let out a soft sigh and turned to Azzi.

“Alright, I think that’s our cue to call it a night,” Paige said, standing carefully and grabbing her crutches.

Azzi stood as well, her expression still unreadable, though the corners of her mouth twitched upward. “Yeah, before I have to fend off another one.”

Paige laughed, leaning on her crutches as they made their way out of Ted’s. The cool night air greeted them as they stepped outside, and Azzi stayed close, her hand lightly brushing Paige’s arm every so often as they walked to the car.

When they got back to Paige’s apartment, the teasing smile was back on her lips as she closed the door behind them. She turned to Azzi, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“You know,” Paige began, her voice low and playful, “I think it’s cute how jealous you always get.”

Azzi rolled her eyes, but the slight blush creeping up her neck betrayed her. “I wasn’t jealous,” she said, her tone defensive but unconvincing.

Paige grinned, stepping closer until they were nearly chest to chest. “Really? Because it definitely felt like it when you tensed up anytime somebody looked at me.”

Azzi crossed her arms, though her resolve was clearly slipping. “I was just protecting my teammates space,” she said, though the way her eyes softened as she looked at Paige said otherwise.

Paige leaned in, her lips brushing Azzi’s ear as she whispered, “I can show you why you don’t need to worry about nobody else.”

Azzi’s breath hitched, her arms falling to her sides as she looked at Paige, her expression caught between exasperation and anticipation.

“Fine,” she muttered, her voice barely audible. “But you better make it convincing.”

Paige smirked, her eyes darkening as she pulled Azzi closer. “Oh, I will.”

…

The next morning Paige stood in Azzi's room, leaning on the edge of the dresser as she pulled on her shirt. The room was quiet except for the soft rustle of fabric. She glanced at Azzi, who was seated on the bed scrolling through her phone, and decided to fill the silence with something she had been thinking about.

“I was thinking we could check out this spot downtown,” Paige began casually. “It’s got these cozy booths, good food—kinda intimate but not over the top. I think you’d like it.”

Azzi’s head looked up, her brow furrowing. “That sounds like a date, Paige.”

Paige shrugged as if the words didn’t sting. “Nah it doesn’t have to be a big deal. We can just grab some food.”

Azzi set her phone down, her voice a little firm. “Just because we don’t call it a date doesn’t mean it won’t feel like one.”

Paige’s jaw tightened, the easygoing front she tried to maintain cracking. “Is it the worst thing in the world for us to go on a date, Azzi?”

“Yes,” Azzi said immediately, her tone leaving no room for doubt. “Considering we aren’t dating.”

Paige let out a short laugh, but there was no humor in it. “Here we go with this again. So what is this then?” she asked, gesturing between them.

“It’s...complicated,” Azzi said, sighing as she ran a hand through her hair. “I really don’t want to argue about this today Paige.”

“No,” Paige said sharply, her voice rising. “It’s not complicated. We make it complicated. You make it complicated. God, Azzi, we spend every night together. You let me whisper all kinds of shit in your ear, you let me touch you—hell, you beg me to touch you—but you won’t let me take you to dinner? What the hell is that about?”

Azzi frowned, her frustration building. “You never get it, Paige. This isn’t just about us. I’ve told you that.”

“Then explain it to me,” Paige demanded, stepping away from the dresser, her crutches clacking against the hardwood floor.

Azzi sighed heavily, clearly reluctant to have this conversation. “You’ve already made a name for yourself. You could never play another game, and you’d still be drafted. Me? I’m still proving myself. I can’t afford distractions like that.”

Paige’s eyes narrowed, her voice tinged with anger. “Oh, so I’m a distraction now? Is that all I am to you?”

“That’s not what I said and you know it,” Azzi snapped.

“Then what are you saying, Azzi? Because honestly I’m getting a little sick of this half-in, half-out bullshit!” Paige’s voice was rising now, her emotions spilling over.

Azzi stood, pacing the room as she tried to collect her thoughts. “I’m saying this...this thing between us could complicate everything. The team, our careers—”

“So what, we'll just keep sneaking around forever in your mind?” Paige cuts her off, her tone incredulous as she says things she knows aren't true. “I’m good enough to sleep with but not good enough for you to actually be with. Is that what it is?”

“That’s not fair,” Azzi said, her voice tight.

“No, what’s not fair is what we’ve been doing!” Paige shot back. “You’ll scream my name all fucking night, let me do whatever I want to you, but God forbid I want hold your hand in public or call this what it is. Do you even hear yourself?”

Azzi stopped pacing, her face hardening. “You know it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like, Azzi?” Paige pressed, her voice cracking. “Because from where I’ve been standing, it looks like I don’t mean that much to you.”

Azzi’s expression softened for a moment, guilt flickering across her face. “You mean the world to me, Paige. You know that.”

Paige let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head. “Do I? Because it sure doesn’t feel like it when you won’t even agree to a simple date with me.”

Azzi threw her hands up in frustration. “I’m not dating my fucking teammate, Paige! I’ve told you that so many times. It’s too messy, and it’s not worth the risk.”

“Not worth the risk?” Paige repeated, her voice barely above a whisper. She grabbed her crutches, her movements sharp. “You’re unbelievable.”

Azzi stepped toward her, her voice softening. “Paige, don’t—”

“No,” Paige interrupted, her voice rising again. “You don’t want me to leave? Then stop treating me like I’m just some convenience for you. Because I’m not doing this anymore, Azzi. I’m not just some fuck toy for you to play with when it’s convenient. Find somebody else to fuck you if that’s all you want from me.”

“You know that’s not all I want!” Azzi protested, her voice desperate now.

“Then what the hell do you want, Azzi?” Paige asked, her voice a little raw.

“I don’t know!” Azzi yelled, the words hanging in the air.

Paige hesitated, her chest rising and falling as she fought against the lump in her throat. Finally, she looked Azzi in the eye, her voice quiet but trembling. “I love you, Azzi.”

The words hung in the air, heavy. Azzi froze, her expression unreadable as she stared at Paige not expecting her to say that in this moment. For a few agonizing seconds, she said nothing, and then softly, “Paige...I–”

The silence was all it took. Paige’s face hardened, her jaw tightening as she turned away. “Forget it,” she muttered, grabbing her crutches and heading for the door.

Azzi reached out, panic flashing across her face. “Paige, wait—it’s wet outside. Your crutches…You shouldn’t—”

“I really don’t want to look at you right now,” Paige cut her off, her voice icy. “I’ll be fine.”

With that, she walked out, the sound of the door slamming behind her echoing in the room. Azzi stood there, staring at the empty doorway, her chest tight as the weight of their argument settled over her. Azzi realized just how much she just fucked up and she didn’t know if she could fix it this time.

…

Azzi tried to give Paige some time to calm down so she left her alone for the rest of the day. But the next day after their fight, Azzi couldn’t stop thinking about her. She stared at her phone, her fingers flying across the screen as she sent text after text.

💗: Paige I’m sorry about yesterday, Can we please talk?

💗: I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you P.

💗: You mean everything to me, P.

💗: Please just let me fix this

💗: Paige, please…Just answer me

💗: Are you okay?

💗: How was physical therapy? Who took you?

💗: I thought about going but I figured you didn’t want me to.

💗: I hate how we left things

💗: I miss you P

💗: I know I messed up, please don’t shut me out.

By midday she had sent at least twenty messages and about a dozen phone calls to Paige, each one unanswered. She was about to give up for the day when her phone buzzed.

P 💗: ok.

That was it. Just two letters, but it was enough to send Azzi flying out the door.

Now Azzi was sitting in Paige’s room, the tension between them so suffocating it felt like the walls were closing in. They’d been talking for some time, exchanging quiet apologies for some of the harsh words they had thrown at each other the night before. But the heart of the issue still lingered, unspoken.

Azzi broke the silence, her voice soft but insistent. “I do love you, Paige.”

Paige’s breath caught for a moment before she exhaled slowly, shaking her head. “No, Az. You don’t.”

Azzi frowned, her expression a mix of confusion and hurt. “How can you say that? You don’t know how I feel.”

Paige met her gaze, her voice steady but tinged with sadness. “Because if you loved me—really loved me—we wouldn’t be in this situation. You’d want to be with me, Az. Not just here, not just like this, but completely.”

Azzi’s eyes softened, her hands clasping together tightly in her lap. “Paige, it’s not that simple.”

“It is to me,” Paige said quietly, her voice breaking just slightly. “I love you Azzi. I love you so much I’d give up anything for you. Do you understand that? I’d leave this team, this school, all of our friends, my dream of winning a championship here... I’d walk away from all of it, because none of it matters to me as much as you do.”

Azzi’s eyes began to glisten, but she stayed silent, the weight of Paige’s words settling over her.

“I’m not saying you have to do that to prove you love me,” Paige continued, her tone soft but firm. “But I know you don’t love me the way I love you. Not yet. Not even if you won’t let us try to be together.”

Azzi blinked, a tear slipping down her cheek. “That’s not fair, Paige. Just because I’m scared doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Paige’s lips pressed into a thin line, her jaw tightening as she held back her own tears. “You might love the idea of me. Of us. Of what we have when no one else is looking. But love—real love—it’s more than that, Az and you know it. It’s being willing to take the risk, even when it’s scary. Even when it’s complicated.”

Azzi’s voice was a whisper. “It’s not just fear Paige I’ve told you that. You’ve already made a name for yourself. You could never play again and still be drafted. But me? I’m not there yet. I can’t afford to let anything get in the way of what I’ve been trying to build since I was a kid.”

Paige nodded slowly, her heart breaking even as she forced herself to stay composed. “I get it Az. I do. And I promise I’m not mad at you for it. I’ll keep supporting you But I can’t keep doing what we’re doing, Az. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay with having only part of you when I want so much more.”

Azzi’s breath hitched, her tears now falling freely. “So that’s it? We’re just... done?”

Paige hesitated, her voice trembling as she spoke. “Yeah I think we have to be.”

Azzi reached out, her hand holding Paige’s as their fingers intertwined. “I love you so much, Paige. Maybe not the way you want me to yet, but I promise I do.”

Paige closed her eyes, a tear slipping down her cheek as she shook her head. “I can’t do ‘maybe,’ Az. Not with you. Not right now”

The room fell silent, the weight of her words hanging between them. After a moment, Azzi stood, her movements slow and reluctant.

At the door, she paused, glancing back at Paige. Her voice was barely audible. “You’re still my best friend, right?”

Paige gave her a small, sad smile. “Always, Azzi.”

Azzi nodded, her expression filled with sorrow as she whispered, “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want yet P.”

Before she stepped out, Azzi turned back one last time, her heart heavy with everything she felt like she couldn’t explain to the girl she loved more than anything. She moved toward Paige and, without a word, pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, her lips touching one of Paige’s tears, lingering just a moment longer than necessary. Her lips whispered against her skin as she pulled away, her voice barely a breath.

“I promise this isn’t the end of our story P. I just need time.”

Paige’s breath caught in her throat, but Azzi was already turning to leave. The door clicked shut behind her with a finality that echoed in Paige’s heart. Alone now, she let out a shaky breath, her hands covering her face as she laid back and the tears finally came.

[anakinstwinklebunny]

STUFF WE DID..

Kind of don't like it :///

It’s been weeks now since they kicked you out. Weeks since the memory of your mother’s screams replayed on a loop in your mind. The anger in her voice, the tears in her eyes. Your father, silent as ever, but his disappointment hung heavier than her shouts. They shattered you. Love, once unconditional, spat back in your face. Your clothes tossed from the window. Your name reduced to disgrace, slut, a waste of potential.

And now, it’s just you, Sam, and your little Vinnie.

Sam’s barely seventeen. A kid himself. But there he is, holding Vinnie, rocking him in his arms as if trying to anchor you all to something—anything—that feels stable. He kisses your forehead when you’re about to break, whispers soft words to calm you down, but you can see it. The fear in his eyes mirrors your own. The fear that wakes you in the middle of the night, clawing at your chest, telling you this can't, won't, work.

You’re drowning, both of you. Slowly, but surely.

Vinnie’s growing too fast. Faster than you’re ready for. Another pair of shoes is too small for his five-month-old feet, and it terrifies you. Is that normal? Should he be this big already? Questions swirl in your mind, but you can’t focus long enough to find much answers when all you have is nothing. Not enough money for food. No way to buy clothes. The thin blanket in Vinnie’s crib barely keeps him warm at night. And Sam—he’s trying, but it’s not enough. You’re both barely treading water.

So, when Sam isn’t looking, you slip out. You take the bus to the corner store and tell yourself it’s just this once. Just a can of beans or a loaf of bread. Something to keep you all alive for one more day. At first, the shame is unbearable. Your hands tremble as you tuck the food into your bag. But when Vinnie looks up at you, his tiny fingers reaching for yours, the shame fades. He has to eat.

Yet, it doesn’t stop at food.

A month later, Sam’s asleep, Vinnie curled up in his crib, and you’re back at the store. This time, it’s for a duvet. Something soft and plush, something that’ll keep Vinnie warm. Your hands shake as you slip it under your jacket, and your heart pounds louder than ever as you walk toward the exit.

Then you see him. A security guard who definitely wasn’t there before. His eyes narrowed, and fuck. Your breath catches, and for a moment, you freeze, imagining the worst—he stops you, finds you stealing things, and you can say good-bye to any job for a long time but say welcome prison.. But you play it casually, smile gently, keeping the walk.

But you keep walking. In those slow, steady steps. A forced smile. And when you step into the cold night air, the weight of the duvet presses against your chest like a secret you can’t confess.

When you get home, you lay the duvet in Vinnie’s crib. Your fingers trace the soft fabric, but it feels like a lie. Like pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. But..it's for the greater cause, right? Because at the end of the day, we do terrible things for the people we love

Sam comes in, few seconds later, eyes falling to the duvet immediately. He doesn’t say anything at first, just stops in his tracks, yet you can still feel his gaze on you

“I got it,” you whisper.

“You got it?” he repeats, voice breaking nonetheless, even if he tries to keep the whole independed vibe

“Yeah,”

"So.. um..you mean you stole it?" He shifts on his feet, finger brushing his nose

"I--" Sam knows you too much, too well to see so easily through your lies "I--yea..I---i stole it.."

But...Sam doesn’t yell. He doesn’t scold. He just takes a shaky breath, steps closer, and wraps his arms around you.

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, with your face buried in his chest.

It’s late. The only faint sound in the house is the soft flicker of the candlelight dancing back and forth on the tiny, wooden, older than you table. You and Sam sit across from each other, hands crossed, fingers digging into your skin, drawing white lines cause you know what's about to happen, and you hate yourself for it

“I think…” voice cracks, and he looks down, unable to meet your gaze. “We need to let him go.”

Your stomach drops.

“No,” you choke out, shaking your head violently. Tears blur your vision, and your hands dig into your arms, nails leaving red crescents.

“Y/N…” voice trembles, heavy with guilt. “He deserves more than this. More than this shit hole, more than an empty fridge every goddamn day”

You both know he’s right, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. You can't help but picture Vinnie’s tiny face, his chubby hands, the way his eyes light up when you sing to him. The thought of not waking up to his babbling or feeling his little fingers clutching yours—it’s unbearable.

But at the end, you know he's right

“Who do we…?” Your voice breaks, hands anxiously running over your face and Sam looks away, swallowing hard.

“Sarah and Mark.” His response is immediate, firm. “They’ll take care of him. Better than we ever could.”

The day came way too quickly.

You place Vinnie in his stroller, bundling him in his favorite jacket and tucking his stuffed bunny beside him. He grips the bunny tightly, babbling to it as if nothing’s wrong. You want to tell him, explain, but how do you tell a baby you’re leaving him?

The note feels heavier than it should as you place it beside him. You wrote everything—the way he hates carrots but loves mashed potatoes. How he can’t sleep without his bunny. How his giggles sound when you make silly faces. The way he clings to your finger when he’s tired. You write it all, desperate to hold onto him even as you let him go.

Leaving the note in Vinnie's pudgy hand, you stand there for what feels like hours, looking at the house then back at Vinnie who is clueless that his father is saying his last goodbye to him. ,

It feels like someone just stabbed your most sensitive places - chest, head, neck. It hurts knowing that you’ll never be able to see him again. Knowing Vinnie will never come back to you. Knowing you'll miss so much of his milestones

It’s Sam who finally takes your hand, pulling you away before you can break down again.

You don’t look back as you walk down the street. But you hear the sound of your heart breaking with every step when you hear the couple's shocked, surprised yet so welcoming for the little one reactions

That night, you and Sam sit in the grass under the moonlight. You can’t stop crying, the pain so deep it feels like you might drown in it. And Sam just holds you, hands running through your hair, his own tears falling silently.

It’s a week later, then a month, and the pain doesn’t fade. It deepens, carves a hole in your chest that nothing can fill. But you tell yourself it was the right thing. You tell yourself Vinnie’s safe, loved, taken care of.

You tell yourself it is love.

Even if it feels like the kind that leaves scars that aren't going to heal at all.

TAG LIST: @kingdomhate @divineani @haydensprettyprincess @skyguys-princess @catnipaddictt @heartscone @haydensbbg @inneedsoffanfics @jediavengers @literally-izzy @anisluvrgirl @slutforfinnickodair @xhunnybeeex @fuckmyskywalker @gallerygourmet @deceptiive @ysrjune @anakinskwkler @bimbo-baggins17 @cookybananas @emotionallybruisedx @diorvalentina @sevinax @throughparisallthroughrome @aniiuv @ritosparty @ninastyless @lily-strnlo @thesassypadawan @awhhayden @sydkneez @anisangeldust @l1ttle-misssunsh1ne @anakinca

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - Bit Slow

Organized, in each category, with ones I'm enjoying most at the top.

Jan 2025 Week 1

Ongoing Series - Thai

ThamePo (Fri YT) ep 4 of 12 - Okay, that bit where Jun tells Po not to “get carried away” did you notice Jun's particle use? He went informal/intimate with an elder AND he also went slightly queer coded - illustrating he knows Po is gay. Interesting, slightly rude, and confrontational choice. I like Jun less because of it.

Frankly speaking, I'd rather a rap battle than sing-off but I still fast forwarded the rap (I muted the singing). Not sorry.

The bit where the 2 of them are talking for hours was the most realistic portrayal of a budding romantic relationship I’ve ever seen in a BL. Virginia Woolf was an interesting choice.

Your Sky AKA How to Train Your Seme (Sun iQIYI) ep 7 of 12 - Fah is so sweet. He’s terrible at talking but he’s always trying to communicate with Rak anyway. I love that for them, and us. Rak's confession to his friends scene was so adorable. I love this friendship group a lot. Thomas’s English is v good, also I kinda love his parents. Still the mains were apart for most of this ep so it fell in the standings.

Sangmin Dinneaw (Sun iQIYI) ep 1 of 10 - Oh my goodness aren’t these 2 pretty? What a fun little show. I am enjoying it so far. I really like that Sangmin is actually bilingual. Or at least has the appearance of being so. This feels a lot stronger to start than any of the other co-country BLs I've seen.

Fourever You (Thurs YT) ep 14 of 16 - They cute. I remain a little concerned that North is so easygoing that he got railed into this relationship (literally and figuratively). His body language indicates he’s not super into Johan, so with these 2 I’m often thinking about peer pressure.

North didn’t keep that gear for very long, did he? I would’ve loved it if the twist was just that North was secretly a genius. He aced all of his tests, and was lazy because he wasn’t being challenged.

Gamer side couple are bothering me, now that there’s catfishing involved. 

Caged Again (Fri Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - Why am I now thinking of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the child catcher with these bad guys?

Again I found myself largely bored. I’m beginning to think this show could’ve been cut down by at least 2 eps.

For linguistic cuteness, did you notice Sun & Junior use rao/ter? SO ADORABLE!

Perfect 10 Liners (Sun YT) ep 10 of 24 - I like Santa and Perth’s chemistry more than I thought I would. The brothers' bickering and tension is interesting, are they all adopted or meant to be actual bothers? Meanwhile, cohabitation trope is a go.

The Heart Killers (Weds Gaga) ep 7 of 12 - no episode this week because of New Year’s.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

See Your Love (Taiwan Weds Gaga) ep 12 of 13 - "Happiness came so fast I couldn't think about how long it would last" could be the statement for every penultimate BL episode ever. This main couple is just so gorgeously wonderful and precious and lovely. What a way to execute the Adams apple fetish.

Our Youth AKA Miseinen: Mijukuna Oretachi wa Bukiyo ni Shinkochu (Japan Tues Gaga) ep 9 of 10 - Just so painful. "You've always been alone." These characters are so casually cruel to each other. And, of course, the running of the gays! 

Eternal Butler (Taiwan Fri Gaga) eps 4 of 12 - I am growing to love that little push-up of the glasses that he does. Sex herb trope continues to be v amusing. Nice to see Ever 9 again! We got backstory for our poor little damaged rich boy, very soap opera. I am more interested in Ever 4's backstory tbh. Uh oh the glasses came off.

Teenager Judge (Vietnam Sat YT) ep 14 of ? - Well at least something happened and things finally came to a head (or "a body" as the case may be). Will we continue with any kind of progression next week? I hope so.

It's airing but......

Winter Is Not The Death of Summer (Thai ???) - has been picked up to air on WeTV, or something? Criminals who meet in prison fall in love. I did find it on YouTube, initially un-subbed, then subs happened by which time I got distracted. It is very pulp but intriguing. For now it's to the wayside until someone tells me it landed safely. Occasionally Thai pulps want to be edgy and it's not a good look on them. But sometimes they do good.

In Case You Missed it

End of year wraps are here!

2024 Trend Report

MY BEST & WORST BLs of 2024

Best Kisses (and sex scenes) of 2024

BL's 2024 Quirky Awards

2024 Awards - Quick Picks

Strange is doing a pretty interesting deep dive into Omegaverse et al. I particularly enjoyed this week's installment: Why Do Women Write So Much Gay Fanfiction?

I rarely (if ever) report on the gossip, BTS relationships, or sasang behavior of the fandoms but here is a 2024 retrospective from someone else if you want all the gossip and drama (YouTube). Or are afraid you missed something important.

Next Week Looks Like This:

2 ending, 2 starting.

January Drops

1/5 The Boy Next World (Sun IQIYI) 10 eps trailer - MAME warning. Multiverse slip through time kinda thing. Mame + high concept, we in for a bumpy ride. I should trash watch and live blog but I don't think I have the energy.

1/6 Ossan‘s Love Thailand (Mon YouTube) 12 eps - WHY MUST THIS BE?!!

1/9 When it Rains it Pours (Japan Thurs Gaga) 10 eps - Convoluted story about a man in a relationship who is sexually unfulfilled and his friend who is in love with him, who accidentally become secret confidants.

1/15 Impression of Youth (Taiwan Weds ????) 9 eps - Same team as DNA Says Love You, so I have high hopes.

2025 Line Up

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 1

BL Announced for 2025 - PART 2

20 BLs Announced for 2025 That I'm Really Excited About

GMMTV 2025 Line Up - My Totally Biased and Wildly Flawed Feels

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Yeah I got nothing for ya. It'd just be all ThamePo.

(last week)

The tag BLigade: @doorajar @solitaryandwandering @my-rose-tinted-glasses @babymbbatinygirl @babymbbatinygirl @isisanna-blog @mmastertheone @pickletrip @aliceisathome @urikawa-miyuki @tokillamonger @sunflower-positiiivity @rocketturtle4 @blglplus @anythinggoesintheshire @everlightly @renafire @mestizashinrin @bl-bam-beyond @small-dark-and-delicious @saezurumurmurs

[daveth-isnt-dead]

Coalescence part 2/3

Part One

Summary:

She’s so nervous that her breath catches in her lungs and doesn’t come back out, from her side she can hear Viktor’s foot tapping a frantic rhythm against the tiles. Without even thinking it through, her hand finds his and grabs it tight. He doesn’t pull back, if anything he holds hers even tighter. The question rises once again, unbidden. What are we? AKA: She works with Viktor for seven years, she is in love with him for five of them.

Contains: she/her pronouns, supremely slow burn, sharing a bed, canon typical illness stuff.

Word Count: 12,181

Read on AO3

The next year feels a lot slower than the last few had, without the relentless push from the council to get the Hexgates finished, work stagnates as the three of them try to figure out what to make next. A few months in she gets sick of sitting on the other side of the room and goes through the arduous process of rearranging the furniture. She has to move Jayce’s desk first and then the blackboard and then she finally has enough room to squeeze herself in, the fact that the only available spot is next to Viktor’s desk is only serendipitous, at least that’s what she tells herself. Jayce seems pretty excited about the change when he comes in, that maybe the rearrangement might be enough to finally get all their synapses firing. 

Viktor, by comparison, sits quietly next to her and doesn't even acknowledge the change for the first few hours, just scoffs when she asks to borrow his ink for her pen, “If you’ve only moved your desk next to mine for access to my stationary then I’ll be very upset.” despite his words, he slides it over to her desk, “You’re lucky I’m so accommodating.” 

She wants to say something about how his stationary is the last thing on her mind, but instead, she just laughs and replies, “Very lucky, thank you.”

A few weeks after her impromptu rearrangement, she comes into the lab to find a new desk sitting where hers once was and more surprisingly, a person sitting at the desk. Shocked, she lurks in the doorway while trying to figure out what to say, only for the visitor to notice her and immediately jump up from her chair and rush over to greet her. 

“Hi! I’m Sky! It’s so great to meet you!” She says, grabbing one of her hands between two of her own, “I’m the new lab assistant! Viktor hired me!” She blinks for a moment, trying to find a way to reply that doesn't make her seem utterly repellant, “I thought I was the lab assistant…” is what came out, and it wasn't the energy she had been aiming for. 

Sky laughs, “You’re funny. It’s nice to know you three have a sense of humour.” she finally releases her hand before readjusting her glasses, “If you ever need anything, I’ll either be here or in the botany lab down the hall. I’m going to study as much as I can while I have the chance, but I’ll always be nearby.”

When Viktor eventually arrives and sits at his desk, she scoots her chair a little closer to his and whispers, “Why’d you hire another assistant?” “Sky’s an old friend and we’re going to need the help-” he pauses a moment and then spins his chair to face her, “Why did you say another assistant?” “Because I’m your assistant.” Viktor lets out a disbelieving laugh, “ You haven’t been our assistant in a very long time.”

Her heart thrums nervously in her chest, and all she can let out is a weak little, “...huh?”

“You’re a partner.” Viktor clarifies as he rests his hand on her forearm, “A friend .” a beat, his thumb lightly rubbing against her bare skin, “and you always made terrible coffee, it was time to let you off the hook”

She laughs and playfully slaps his hand away.

It’s only a month after that when Jayce has the idea that changes the trajectory of their research for the foreseeable future. They had all been sitting at their desks, doing barely any work. It was still just under a year before the next progress day and without an active request from the council, there wasn’t all that much pressure for them to create something. She had been entertaining herself with a paper ball that she was tossing up into the air, Jayce was flicking paperclips into an empty crate on the other side of the room, and even Viktor had been absently spinning around in his chair for the past hour, which was definitely out of the ordinary for him. 

“Maybe we need a change of scenery?” Jayce suggests, hanging his head low when he finishes his last box of paperclips. 

She scoffs, tossing the paper ball in the air once again, “It’s not like we can take the research outside with us.”

“Even if we could, it would be far too dangerous to take any of the crystals out of the lab.” Viktor supplies, completing another rotation on his chair, “They are too volatile.”

Jayce sighs, “I didn’t literally mean moving the lab equipment outside, guys. I just thought we could take a walk and-” 

When the paper ball finishes its most recent arc into the air, she doesn’t bother catching it again, instead pointing a finger in Jayce’s direction, “That’s your idea face! You have an idea!”

Viktor freezes mid-spin, quickly rotating himself to face Jayce whose eyebrows are drawn tight. After another moment just sitting there and staring straight forward, Jayce leaps up from his chair and starts frantically pacing back and forth. 

“Oh yes!” Viktor says enthusiastically, turning to look at her over his shoulder, “He definitely has an idea.”

Jayce laughs breathlessly and then stalls in the middle of the room, erupting into a passionate and wildly gesticulated speech about finally being able to bring Hextech to the people instead of just serving the whims of the council, about working on smaller devices that could be mass-produced and (importantly) would have a far shorter development time than something as large scale as the Hexgates. As he spoke, she couldn’t resist shifting her gaze to Viktor, leaning forward on her desk to get a better angle on his face and nearly melting at the impassioned warmth in his eyes, the delectably sweet tug of his lips. 

“Before we get ahead of ourselves,” Viktor begins, trying not to seem as exhilarated as he clearly is, “We need to figure out a way to stabilise the crystals, then we can focus on utility.” “God, I’ve missed this,” She says with a warm smile dancing around her mouth, “When can we start?”

***

It’s full steam ahead in the lab for the next few months, literally, to some degree. Before fully joining the Hextech team she had spent a brief portion of time studying glass-blowing and shaping and while she was only half joking when she suggested that they should try tempering the crystals, it ended up being the first step to the final solution. While a collision with physical objects causes a volatile reaction in the crystals, standing about twenty feet back in the Talis family forge, they learned that heat did not cause the same problem. Tempering Hextech crystals turned out to be a much more exhaustive process than tempering glass though, and every step of the way they were worried about causing some sort of disaster in the forge. 

Sky became an invaluable resource and her contagious energy meant that she also very quickly became a friend. While she wasn’t able to commit her full time to the lab because she had her own studies to worry about, she was always around to help copy down notes when everyone else had full hands or to provide encouragement whenever it started to feel like the next hurdle was impossible. Viktor was also right, Sky made a much better coffee than she ever could. 

“Damn.” She mutters, sipping gingerly on the very hot coffee, “How do you stop it from tasting so watery?” Sky laughed, expertly working the coffee machine in the small tearoom in the sciences wing of the academy, “I worked at a coffee shop in the undercity for a few years, all muscle memory.” she explained, popping a lid on Jayce’s coffee and then scooping one spoonful of sugar into the final vacant cup. 

“Viktor takes two sugars.” She says quickly, probably too quickly. 

Sky gives her an odd look, and then chuckles, “I was about to add another one, but thanks for the help.” She suddenly finds her own reflection in the cup of coffee very interesting.

While the work on finding a way to stabilise the crystals took almost all of their time, it was impossible to stop herself from peering in Viktor’s direction whenever she had a spare moment. He had lied about the leg brace just being for the gala, he didn't wear it every day and on the days that he did he claimed to have plans to take a walk out in the city when they wrapped up in the lab, but she usually caught him walking straight back to his dorm as always. She and Jayce would often share a worried look on days that he showed up wearing it but both could sense he didn't want any attention being drawn to it. There were other changes too, smaller ones, that might have gone unnoticed by anyone from outside the lab. His breath quickened and the hours he used to spend working out calculations and formulas on the blackboard were now spent at his desk instead, his angles sharpened and his face slowly began to lose its softness. 

“Just tired.” He responds, whenever she asks how he is feeling. 

Her eyebrows pinch, an insidious fear taking up residence behind her ribs, “You're tired a lot.” 

He sighs, and she is standing close enough that he can rest his head on the swell of her hip, “I am”

She wraps her arm around his shoulders to hold him against her, aching with the weight of a familiar question.

While he moves slower, he doesn't stop moving. When she and Jayce try to untangle just how to temper the crystals, Viktor sits on a chair nearby taking furious notes and offering suggestions. He sits at his desk with Sky as the two of them start sketching potential designs for smaller-scale Hextech projects. Viktor is, of course, there on the day that they manage to create their first successful gemstone. The crystals temper a lot stronger than glass does and were (so far as they could tell) completely resistant to shattering. The final test happens back in the forge where this process all began, with her and Viktor waiting impatiently on the other side of a wrought iron metal door with only a small glass window to watch through as Jayce bravely performs the final test of the gemstone’s durability. 

Jayce waves at them both, though they can barely see his face under the full set of protective armour he is wearing just in case they were off with their calculations. Despite all the preliminary testing and Viktor’s absolute belief in the gemstone’s structural integrity, she still nervously chews on her thumbnail as she watches Jayce set it down on the anvil. Though she doesn’t express her nervousness, Viktor still notices, resting a hand on her shoulder. “Jayce will be fine.” He says confidently, “We’re ready.” She lets out a shaky sigh, the orange firelight from inside the forge washes gently across Viktor’s face at sets his eyes ablaze. His posture is more lopsided than it used to be, his left shoulder kicked up where he is putting almost all of his standing weight on his cane. Her feelings are discombobulating, a dizzying mixture of fear and denial with an overlarge dash of something aching and desperate that she is still too afraid to give a name despite so many years of feeling it.

“Knowing you think so makes me feel a lot better.” She replies, turning her gaze back to the tiny window, “I envy your optimism.” 

“I wouldn’t call it optimism .” He says, wrapping an arm around her shaking shoulders and resting his cheek on the top of her head, “Determination, maybe?” 

She softens against him, his touch is familiar by now and while it no longer sends her awash with nerves to feel it, a warmth still settles in her stomach that she is unable to do away with. Her arm slides around his waist and clutches him tight, breath high in her chest as she watches Jayce take a few cautious steps towards the gemstone, clutching an oversised smithing hammer in his hands. Just as he raises it in the air, she’s so panicked that she can’t bear to watch and spins to bury her face in Viktor’s chest. She swears she hears his breath catch, and while he stumbles a little to adjust for the new weight, it only takes him a moment to regain his footing. From behind her closed eyes, she hears the echoing boom of the hammer making impact and then a ringing silence where an explosion would have been, if there was going to be one. 

Viktor lets out a breathless, overjoyed laugh, his hand rubbing enthusiastic circles between her shoulder blades, “We’re going to be able to do some real good now.” He says, “I can feel it.”

The leadup to the next progress day is a stressful one, a great deal of their time was spent tempering enough gemstones for testing purposes and the process was hard enough to replicate that they didn't feel comfortable letting anyone other than her or Jayce near the forge. Even Viktor found it a bit intimidating in there and preferred to sit back while the two of them worked. So while she was spending months and months writing detailed instructions for the tempering methods in preparation for the day that smallscale Hextech devices went public, for now, it was still safer to handle that part themselves. Once they finally have enough gemstones for the prototyping stage, they leave the forge behind for the far more familiar walls of the lab. She continues working to transcribe all the notes they have on the process of refining Hextech gemstones, while Viktor, Jayce and occasionally Sky toss ideas back and forth. 

It takes a lot of late nights glowering at the blackboard and throwing out hundreds of ideas before Viktor finally has the idea to find a way to improve working conditions for miners in the fissures. She can tell that it’s a personal mission for him, the way he talks about what conditions were like when he was still living in the Undercity and she, Jayce and Sky all agree with the idea wholeheartedly. They have far less time before progress day than they would like, but after narrowing the scope of Viktor’s idea to a maximum of two projects for now, it feels doable. Viktor has a bit of his pep back, which also helps to soothe her worries. While he isn't moving around as much as she remembers, his enthusiasm surrounding their new project can be heard in every word, seen in every exaggerated gesticulation. 

One day she is completely lost watching him with wrapt attention as he and Jayce discuss what kind of metal would best be suited for the final version of the devices. Utterly absorbed in each and every minute movement of his lovely hands, in the bright vibrancy of his eyes. 

“He was like this as a kid too,” Sky says, snapping her out of her stupor. 

“What, sorry?”

Sky laughs and inclines her head in his direction, “Viktor. We grew up in the same neighbourhood if you could call it that. He was always tinkering with something instead of playing with the other kids.” She shrugs a shoulder, “He always inspired me, still does, maybe even more so.” 

“Yeah.” She replies wistfully, watching as Viktor excitedly gestures to an equation on the blackboard, causing Jayce to pick up the chalk and start making edits, “He’s certainly inspiring.”

***

With only two months left before progress day, the prototypes still aren’t in any sort of state to show the public even though they are almost complete. Especially since the gauntlet keeps insisting that it wants to remain clenched in a fist no matter how hard they try to convince it otherwise. It’s that terrible part of development, where all the brainstorming and assembly is completed and all that’s left is struggling to figure out the last remaining kinks. Despite not being able to make much progress, the four of them are in the lab from sunrise to sunset almost every day. Sky often wears the gauntlet for hours straight as they all take turns trying to diagnose the issue and Jayce almost loses a finger to the Hexclaw when he gets a little impatient in getting it out of the way and forgets to disengage the gemstone. 

She’s tired. They all are. Sky at some point admits that she can’t keep up these hours when she has her own studies to work on and returns to only dropping by when they need help, but the main Hextech team persists, pulling allnighters and sometimes even falling asleep on the floor of the lab in a big pile. At the very least they endure the stress together. With the initial excitement of development over and the growing sleep deprivation, Viktor starts looking worse again. His already pale skin turns papery ashen and the bags under his eyes are purple like a permanent bruise. One day he shows up with a crutch instead of his cane. He doesn’t even try to create an excuse for it, just sits at his desk and starts working before either she or Jayce can ask questions. That’s when they quickly make the decision to insist that all three of them stop spending so much time in the lab, enforcing a cut-off time where, regardless of progress made, the three of them would all head back to their dorms for the evening. While he seems a little irritated by the idea at first, Viktor does agree. None of them are getting any good work done and a proper sleep schedule might be just the thing to change that.

It’s not a perfect system though. Some nights she sneaks work home with her and knows that Viktor is doing the same, but at the very least he’s more likely to fall asleep in his bed that way. Other nights she is still so anxious about their upcoming deadline that she can’t force herself to sleep, even as the time ticks through until the AM. 

One such night, she dashes her way back to the lab well past 2:00 am. She had been planning to tire herself out by reading the book she had rented from the academy library, but she had left it on her desk in her rush to get home that evening. It’s cold when the sun goes down, so she wraps her arms around herself to avoid the chill as she finally draws closer to the lab. The academy can be a little spooky at night, especially alone. It looks a lot different without the usual warm lighting, and the sound of her feet echoes off the tiles and the whole way down the hall. When the door comes into view, she doubles her pace in the hopes of being back in her bed as soon as possible. 

She wipes her eyes and lets out a yawn as she unlocks the door, only to freeze at the entrance of the lab when the cool blue light of a Hextech gemstone still shines brightly from Viktor’s desk. It’s concerning, because they're usually very careful to lock them away when no one is inside. That's when she notices Viktor slumped on the desk, head resting atop his folded arms, he's still, he's so still that it makes an ice-cold panic start rushing through her veins. She calls his name out, walking towards him, and then again when he doesn't answer, hurrying her pace to reach him as soon as she can, her breath coming hard and fast and desperate as she reaches out and grabs him by the shoulder. 

At her touch, he startles immediately, inhaling a shocked and wheezy breath. 

“Thank god.” She exhales, wrapping her arms around him and burying her head in the join between his neck and shoulder. He's still only half awake, one of his large hands coming to rest on her forearm.

“I fell asleep.” He whispers 

“Yeah.” She replies quietly, trying to calm the adrenaline still racing through her, “You did.”

“I couldn’t sleep.” He clarifies slowly, trying to take stock of where he is, “And I came back here thinking that maybe I could solve our problems with the gauntlets before tomorrow morning.” He lets out a breathless laugh and runs a shaky hand through his hair, “My exhaustion must have caught up with me, I apologise.” She doesn’t move, her arms still clutch tightly around him when she lets out a shaky little breath against the skin of his neck. He was just tired, overworked just like her and Jayce. It’s not the first time he’s fallen asleep at his desk, not the first time any of them have. Her heart slowly calms at the feeling of him between her arms, the slow brush of his hand against her bare forearm. She almost wants to laugh, what had she even been thinking? That he had- 

No . There’s no point in even thinking it. He’s fine, she was worrying for nothing. 

“C’mon.” She says, unwrapping her arms from around his shoulders and smiling down at him, “You need to get to bed” He smiles weakly, and she watches with pain in her chest as he puts all of his weight on his crutch to pull himself up from the chair, “Don’t you need to get to bed too?” he asks, giving her just a glimpse of that mischievous smile she loves so much.

“I'll walk you back first.” She replies, heart in her throat, “Your room is closer anyway.”

Viktor looks at her curiously for a moment, and then replies, “Yes, I suppose it is.”

It isn't, they both know it, but the lie is comfortable and the fact that Viktor is willing to go along with it sends a dizzying rush down to her fingertips. They walk in comfortable silence, it reminds her of their first walk together on the way to the music wing, though a lot slower. His crutch makes more of a thunk than the click that his cane used to, but the sound is still good at helping her keep pace with him. The last thing she wants is for him to think that he’s slowing her down. He isn’t, he couldn't, a longer walk is akin to a gift for her, there's so little time for them to meet outside the lab these days that even this minuscule moment is enough for a syrupy warmth to spread through her veins. 

“Do you want to come inside?” Viktor asks when they reach his door. His voice is thick and his tone uncertain, she catches the way his free hand clenches nervously at his side. 

She nods, “Just for a second. It’ll be nice to warm up.” His smile is warm and his eyes shine like amber, “Yes.” He begins, quickly unlocking his door and stepping to the side to let her in first,  “It is cold, isn't it?” It isn’t, but the lie is comfortable. 

“Freezing.” She replies, smiling up at him and walking through the doorway.

This is hardly the first time she’s visited his dorm, though it’s usually during the day to pick something up or drop something off, once or twice to deliver lunch when she suspected that he forgot to eat and on one notable occasion, for a cup of coffee while she struggled through translating his notes into something comprehensible for the council. It looks much the same as she remembers it, very cluttered but still neat. He has stacks of books and piles of notes all over the room and a corkboard with so many overlapping sketches, notes and blueprints that its impossible to see the cork underneath. The floor is clear, though, all his frantic scientific mess is left across desks or bookshelves, a hard divide been his work life and home life. 

Viktor shuts the door behind himself and starts making his way across the space to where she can only assume his bedroom is. He looks at her over his shoulder and says, “You’ll have to give me a minute. Make yourself at home, I won’t be long.” “Oh, okay. No worries.” She replies, wondering what he has to do back there. He might just want to change into something more comfortable for the evening, which is completely reasonable, even if it makes her cheeks warm to think about. Now that she’s actually standing alone in the middle of his sitting room does she finally remember that she’s wearing her pyjamas. They aren’t at all scandalous, thankfully, but she does feel underdressed. After a moment, she sits tentatively on his couch, trying to find the perfect balance between comfortable but not too comfortable for when he comes back out. She drums her fingers against her thigh, trying to ignore just how much it smells like Viktor in here when she hears him call her name. 

She leaps up from the couch, “Yes? Are you okay?” There’s a moment of silence, and then he replies, “I’m fine, I just-” he’s muffled on the other side of the door, but she hears what sounds like a foreign expletive, “I’d appreciate your help, if you’re willing.”

She would be willing to do anything for him, so she walks towards the closed door and then says, “I am.” she swallows nervously, “Can I come in?” “Please.” He replies quietly. 

Her heart races as she opens the door, this part of his dorm she has never seen before. He has a few plants that seem to be in various stages of deceased, a completely full bookshelf, a large wooden dresser and a second, smaller desk that is covered in just as many notes as the one out in the sitting room. His crutch leans against the wall and the man himself sits on the edge of his bed, looking like he’d prefer if she didn't even notice him. “How can I help?” She asks. He looks up at her and then sighs, “The clasps at my ankle.” he says, inclining his head towards his brace, “I’m stiff today I-” “It’s okay.” She replies, already lowering to her knees, “I can do it, don’t even worry about it.” It’s clear that he is still worrying about it, even with her insistence not to. The muscles in his jaw are tight and he turns to face the wall, unwilling to meet her eyes. She doesn’t take any offence, she can tell this is humiliating for him, even though she feels nothing but adoration as her fingers meet the metal clasp at the base of his brace. Luckily the mechanism is intuitive and she doesn’t need any help in undoing it, though her trembling hands make it harder. She is not unaware of the suggestive nature of her positioning, on her knees, between his thighs, but she manages to push past the cloyingly thick implication because more than anything she just wants to help him. 

“Thank you.” He says quietly, when his ankle is loose, “I can reach the rest myself if you’d like to return to the couch for now.” Despite his tired expression, he looks very pretty above her like this, his hair is tousled and hanging slightly in his eyes and the dim lighting in the room catches on all his sharp edges in the perfect way. She sucks a shaky breath in through her nose and then suggests, “I might as well do the rest.” her smile is shaky with nerves, and her voice wavers when she adds, “It just makes sense. I’m already down here after all.” The room feels quieter without the sound of Viktor’s wheezing breath, that’s the only way she realises he’s holding it, “I, ah-” he clears his throat, “Yes. I suppose it only makes sense.” Her next smile is stronger, and more confident as she begins to undo the rest of the clasps and buckles. Viktor has to help her with a few of them, the one at his knee is particularly tricky and he’s insistent that she ask if his leg needs to be moved instead of manoeuvring it herself. Not that he needed to tell her, she would never dare do anything that could hurt him. She has to sit up on her knees to undo the final buckle at his thigh, and he rests a hand on the top of her head as she does so. The feeling of his hand has another smile jumping its way across her face and she quietly asks him to straighten his leg a little so she can slide the brace off completely. 

“All done.” She whispers when it hits the floor. 

He looks down at her for a moment, his gaze so soft that she feels herself beginning to melt in it, “Thank you.” “Do you, um, need help with anything else?”

The muscles in his jaw tighten again and he goes back to staring at the wall, “Well, yes, but-” he shakes his head, “I can do it myself, you’ve done plenty.” “No. I want to help.” She replies, “Please, let me.” Viktor sighs, “I have a back brace too, I can undo it myself, but it takes some effort.” Though there was no real way for her to have known until now, a painful churning begins in her stomach at the thought of her never noticing, not paying enough attention. She pushes the fury with herself down, something to deal with later and instead gives Viktor what she hopes is a comforting smile, “You might have to guide me through it, is that okay?” He looks relieved, as if he was half expecting her to get cold feet, “That would be fine. Thank you.” He adjusts himself on the bed so he’s facing away from her and slowly starts undoing the buttons on his shirt. 

She sucks in a nervous breath and watches as the fabric slides down his shoulders. There’s a mole on the back of his neck that she wants to kiss so badly she can barely stand it. It’s alarming how much his shoulder blades arch against the papery confines of his skin, the way his posture slopes up to the left, the result of an overcorrection for his limp. She swallows thickly at the sight of his brace, layers of overlapping leather and metal splints that seem directly affixed to his spine. 

Viktor takes a deep breath, she sees his shoulders move, “There are clasps on either side of my spine.” He says, voice quivering. One of his hands reaches behind himself in an attempt to point out one of the clasps for her, “It’s very tight, it will be easier if you start at the top and bottom and then work your way to the middle.” “Alright.” She whispers, trying to conceal the incessant way her heart patters behind her ribs, “Let me know if do something wrong, okay?”

He nods but otherwise doesn’t say anything. It takes her a moment to figure out how the clasp undoes at first, it’s quite a complex piece of machinery and she’s shocked to find that her first assertion was entirely correct. The central portion of the brace is affixed to his spine with a series of bolts the whole way down. Her hands shake as she moves to the same clasp on the opposite side, “How, um, how long have you had this?” she asks weakly. 

“A few years.” She clenches her teeth. How did she never notice? “Just to correct my posture.” He clarifies, sensing her tensing up behind him, “It doesn’t hurt.” 

“But you didn’t tell me.” 

He shrugs a shoulder, “You didn’t need to know.” “I would have liked to.” “Yes, well you know now,” he replies tersely and she immediately regrets pushing the matter. 

He stays silent as she works her way through the rest of the clasps. There’s a window on the wall opposite the bed and the curtains are open just enough for a beam of moonlight to reach in and wrap around the bony protrusion of his shoulder, all the way down the length of his back. She feels lost, caught and tangled up in the sharp angles of him. Her hands continue slowly undoing the brace, but her mind is tumbling and grasping for him before he slips through her fingers. The back of his neck is very pretty, the bumps of his spine that aren't covered by the splints are delicate and heartbreakingly sharp and his breathing is quiet and even for the moment, though she has grown used to hearing it like a chesty wheeze. When she finally undoes the last two clasps in the centre of the brace, he lets out a sigh of relief and when she presses a palm beside his spine, she can feel his heartbeat. Without speaking, he slips his arm through the strap that wraps up and around his left shoulder and her heart aches at the red welts left behind where the brace was pulled tight against his skin, the one on his shoulder is particularly deep and she finds herself leaning in to press a kiss to it before she can even think. Viktor sucks in a breath at the feeling of her lips against him but otherwise makes no acknowledgement of it happening.

“Would you like me to go?” She asks quietly, “You’ll probably just want to sleep now.” He looks at her over his shoulder, eyes wide and vulnerable, “No.” he says quickly, “No- it’s, it’s dark. You shouldn’t walk back alone.” A smile tugs at her lips, “It is dangerous in the hallways of the academy at night, isn't it?”

It isn’t, but the lie is comfortable. 

“It is.” He replies and his smile is a soft, heart-melting curl. After a lapse of almost excruciating silence, he shuffles himself to the side of the bed and stands shakily, resting most of his weight on a dresser in front of him, “Could you turn around a moment?” He asks

It clicks that the dresser must be where he keeps his clothes, “Oh! Yep!” He chuckles, “You can get in the bed if you’d like, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

She does as he suggests, facing the wall away from him and crawling in under the covers. It feels strange, the academy bedsheets are exactly the same as the ones in her own room, yet it’s impossible to shake the significance of them being distinctly not hers, “You know I won’t let you do that, right?” she says quietly. 

A drawer opens behind her, and there’s some rustling of fabric, “I’ve slept places far worse than my couch, you even caught me doing so this evening.”

She sighs and pulls the sheets up to her chin, clutching desperately at the fabric, “C’mon, Viktor.” she almost pleads, “It’s just me, I don’t bite.” He scoffs behind her and the bed sinks when he sits on the edge of it. There’s more rustling and she can only assume it's easier for him to change in and out of his trousers when seated, “That isn’t what I'm concerned about.” “Then what are you concerned about?” Viktor goes completely still, she can only hear the sounds of his breathing and she struggles to keep her own breath even as she worries that she may have overstepped. The moment hangs in the air like a pendulum above her and her fingers dig tightly into the blankets. 

“Alright, you win,” Viktor says, and the weight is lifted. He shifts a little, and she feels the blankets lift on his side of the bed as he climbs in. Then she hears a click, and the only light source in the room goes out. 

What are we? She wonders, body stiff and uncomfortable as she lies in the darkness. She’s so close to the edge of the bed that her bent knee hangs off it, too afraid of accidentally touching him because of just how much she wants to. It’s been years of aching and wishing and she’s starting to get the sense that she’s running out of time, that if she doesn't find the right words for what they are, he will be gone before she can express them. She squeezes her eyes shut tight and tries to push the thoughts away, once again forcing herself to believe that Viktor is fine and to ignore all evidence to the contrary. 

Then, she feels Viktor shift on the other side of the mattress and he whispers, “It’s cold tonight, isn't it?” Her heart stops in her chest and she tentatively rolls over to find he’s already facing her. He looks pretty, the light of the moon is eclipsed by the back of his head, leaving him backlit in a soft white light, “Freezing.” she replies, remembering their lie from earlier in the evening. 

“There must be something we can do about that.” he breathes, shuffling in just a little closer. 

She feels like she is about to burst into tears or laughter or something equally immense as she ignores all pretence and all comfortable lies, instead moving straight towards him and wrapping her arms around his chest, tucking her head under his chin. One of his arms slowly slides around her waist to tug her closer against him and his good leg tucks in between both of hers. Something that feels suspiciously like a kiss presses to the top of her head, and as she listens to the gradual calming of his rapid heartbeat she wonders again, what are we?

___

Progress day doesn't go as planned for a lot of reasons. Sitting at the side of the stage, she and Viktor clutch hands the same way they always do. Though maybe a little tighter than normal as they watch Jayce give his first progress day address. She lets out a shocked gasp when Jayce goes off script, deciding not to unveil their newest projects even though the three of them spent so many sleepless nights working on them, even though they drove themselves to exhaustion trying to reach this deadline. Viktor is especially angry about it, seething almost, but everything is thrown into disarray by the attack from the Undercity before they even have a chance to talk it over.

Jayce is their spokesperson, as always, when the three of them are forced to address the council about the theft of one of their gemstones as if it was somehow their fault. They didn’t even have the decency to scrounge up a third chair for her, so she just stands awkwardly beside Viktor and nervously clutches his shoulder. It sometimes feels like the council would forget that she and Viktor even existed if Jayce didn’t keep reminding them. An argument breaks out among the councillors as Jayce begins suggesting a full suspension of Hextech production until the gemstone is located. Viktor also tenses under her hand at the suggestion and while she can understand his reservations, it’s hard for her to disagree with Jayce on this point at least. The last thing they need is someone doing something illegal with their technology, it would be a terrible look, and who knows how many people could get hurt. 

Then, things change so quickly that she can barely keep track. Councilor Medarda levies an attractive offer and before she can even wrap her head around what is taking place, the council issues a vote and suddenly it has eight members. Viktor’s hand shakes when it reaches up to grab her own where it rests on his shoulder, “This won't end well.” he mutters She swallows, filled with an anxious dread that doesn't leave her for the next three days, “Yeah.” She replies, “I have an awful feeling.”

When the two of them return to the lab, the room is filled with a thick and uncomfortable silence. Viktor sits at his desk and clutches his head in his hands, she on the other hand, can’t even bring herself to sit down, instead standing at the only open window in the room and resting her shaking hands on the windowsill. Her stomach twists itself into knots that will take hours to undo, any exhilaration from the the morning is completely gone, only replaced with a churning anxiety. Neither of them speaks until two hours later when Sky drops by, completely unaware of everything that transpired. Viktor explains it to her, his voice weak and exhausted. Sky is a smart girl, she can tell when there isn’t much she can do to help, she promises to let them know if she hears anything about Jayce’s whereabouts, but otherwise says she’ll be in her lab down the hall if they need her. 

With Sky gone, the room once again turns to heavy silence. She swallows and the feeling is thick in her throat, “He must still be with the council.” she says. 

“Yes.” Viktor replies, “He must.”

***

Jayce doesn’t come back that evening. While she’s certain that there is a lot that he needs to learn and probably some sort of extensive paperwork, when she looks over and sees the anxious curl of Viktor’s spine she wishes that Jayce would just tell the council to get fucked and come back to the lab where he belongs. Neither she nor Viktor manage to get any work done, neither of their prototypes are up for production and while there are improvements to be made, Heimerdinger’s insistence that the modifications would take a decade at minimum makes any attempt at progress feel utterly futile. 

Viktor does occasionally pull his pen out and make a few notes, but then he curses under his breath and lets the pen go after just a few minutes. Once she notices the sun has well set through their window and the moon is hanging high in the sky, she lets out a sigh. 

“We’re not going to get anything done, Viktor.” She says quietly, watching as he runs a desperate hand through his hair, “Do you want to get some sleep? Jayce will probably be back in the morning, then we can at least work out what we’re going to do from here.”

“I still don’t understand why he didn’t show the prototypes.” Viktor mutters, “Nothing today has made any sense.” “Yeah.” She replies, “It hasn't.” After a moment, Viktor sighs and grips tightly to his crutch to pull himself up from the chair, “Let’s just go.” he says, and then quieter, as if he doesn’t want her to hear it, “I’m tired.” They don’t talk at all on the walk over to his dorm, both exhausted emotionally and physically. Viktor is struggling to walk more now, she always finds him falling behind even though she is trying her best to keep in step with him, he must notice, even though she purposely doesn’t draw attention to it and she can only imagine how that makes him feel. He stands back as she unlocks the front door and she fondly remembers the morning when she found the spare key lying on his dresser when she woke up. He hadn’t told her that he was getting a copy made, he’d just left it for her when he headed to the lab for the day. It makes sense though, she spends more nights asleep in his bed than she does her own these days, trapped in a tangle of bony limbs that isn't necessarily comfortable but it is profoundly comforting . 

“Do you want tea?” She asks as she steps in through the doorway, holding the door open for him as he follows her inside. 

“No, thank you.” He says, moving to the bedroom and sitting down on the bed, “Help yourself, though.” She follows him into the bedroom, sitting down on the floor and going through the familiar routine of undoing his brace, “You know I was just being polite, I hate tea.” He laughs weakly, leaning back on his elbows as she moves to undo the clasps at his knee, “Don’t worry, it was very polite, thank you.” Her hands are quick now, familiar with each fastening the whole way up his leg, it only takes her a few seconds to have it undone. when she finishes She rests her head on his left thigh, peering up at him. Viktor sighs softly, brushing her hair away from her face. This isn’t a thing that friends do, she recognises, unable to resist leaning into his touch, but it is what they do. The fabric of his slacks is a little scratchy against her cheek and her legs are starting to go numb where they are curled under her, but the moment is so intimate and delicate that she can’t bear letting it shatter. 

“If Jayce isn’t in the lab tomorrow morning, I’ll see if I can find him in the council room,” Viktor says quietly, rubbing gentle circles over her temple with his thumb. 

“I can go instead, " she suggests, “if you want to get some work done in the lab.” “No.” He replies sternly, “I-” he sighs, hanging his head, “I need to talk to him.” “He’ll listen.”

Viktor lets his hand drop from her head, his face awash in painful uncertainty.

She raises herself up on her knees and reaches out to cup his cheek in her hand, “It’s Jayce.” She whispers, confidence proved only a mimicry by the way her voice shakes. Her thumb traces the sharp line of his cheekbone and her voice is more sincere when she adds, “He always listens.”

***

Whatever conversation Viktor and Jayce have doesn’t seem to help all that much. Jayce does seem apologetic at the very least, but for the next few days, Viktor is decidedly prickly. He sets himself up at one of their workstations and starts wordlessly assembling a new project that neither she nor Jayce has heard anything about until now. While he works, she mostly just sits at her own desk and goes back to trying to fix the issues with the hexclaw with the hopes of getting it to a more finished state before the next investor meeting in a few months. Something has changed in Viktor, she notices. A more pointed determination, something almost dangerously single-minded. He works on his new project all hours of the day and it’s harder than ever for her to pull him away for meals, or to convince him to leave the lab with her in the evenings. 

His cough is getting worse too, worse enough that it’s impossible for her to pretend that everything is fine, no matter how much he tries to convince her that it is just a cold or just allergies or just- 

She catches him once or twice, wiping the blood from his mouth on the back of his hand and she wants to scream or cry or do any number of things to force him to stop acting like everything is still fine. Jayce has noticed too, but he’s so busy with council business now that he only drops into the lab for a few hours a day. 

“I don’t know what to do.” He says, leaning against the wall just outside the lab. 

She leans there with him, not wanting to have this conversation in the same room as Viktor, “Me either.” “He is sleeping, right?” She nods, “Not as much as I’d like, but I'm getting him to bed every night.” “That’s good.” Jayce replies, hanging his head, “I should be in there with the two of you but-” he sighs, “Everyone’s still worried about the attack and that missing gemstone, until that’s sorted I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to spend in the lab.” “I know.” She replies, because she does know, even if the facts make her angry, they are still just the facts. She wrings her hands together and turns to face Jayce, his brows are pulled tight and he’s chewing hard on his bottom lip. 

“Hey, Jayce?” He turns his head to look at her, exhaustion visible under his eyes, “Yeah?” “Do you-” her breath escapes her in a hiccuping sob, “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“Sure he will.” Jayce says, though his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, “If anyone can get himself out of a bind, it’s gonna be Viktor, you know?”

***

She visits her father for dinner the night after. They have a long standing arrangement where she stops by within a week of progress day to debrief him. For the first time though, she spends the whole time just itching to get back to the academy, nervously checking the clock with each passing hour and barely managing to eat any of her dinner. 

Her father laughs, “I know I’m not a proper chef or anything, but my food can’t be that bad, can it?” “No, it’s good, I’m sorry.” She says quietly, pushing her food around the plate with her fork, “Still just discombobulated after-” she waves her hand around vaguely, “You know.” “The attack?” He asks softly. 

“Yeah, the attack.” she lies

“Your friends are alright, aren’t they? The Talis boy and uh-” “Viktor.” She supplies. Suddenly even less interested in eating her dinner. 

The new project Viktor is working on consumes him. He’s started calling it the Hexcore and says that he aims to find out whether or not Hextech can learn , if like she discovered so many years ago, they were missing a fundamental and human component. While all of their current creations resonated at a G4, who’s to say that there aren't other effects that could be unlocked by teaching it how to resonate at another, or by giving it an unlimited combination of runes to cast with? He sits at the workstation for hours, constantly manipulating and twisting the rune matrix around. At all moments the room is filled with the rapid click of plates realigning or the humming of the gemstone within them. The only break comes when he takes a moment to update blueprints or write down new notes. She still managed to get him to bed the past few nights, though it only becomes more difficult each time. With Sky’s help, she’s able to keep him eating, even if it’s little more than a sandwich or one bite of an apple. 

She did tell Viktor that she was going to be out tonight and that she’d likely see him in bed. Sky will be staying late at the academy because she has an assignment due tomorrow morning and she promised to keep an eye on him as best she could. Jayce has a meeting with councillor Medarda (though he called her Mel ) and will try and find time to stop by the lab on his way back just in case. It doesn't matter though, there’s a terrible, awful feeling sitting in the pit of her stomach that she can’t do away with. 

“I should get to meet those boys someday, you know?” Her father says, snapping her back to the present, “I know you’re probably embarrassed about our little house on the fringes, but it cleans up nice!” She laughs weakly, remembering that Jayce and Viktor technically already visited years ago, “Sorry, Dad. We’re all really busy right now, and Viktor-” she bites her lower lip to stop the words from coming out, “He’s tired, we’re all tired.”

“Well, maybe I’ll stop by your lab sometime.” He replies, leaning back in his chair with a warm smile on his face, “You can do experiments on me, I’m tough.”

That gets a proper laugh out of her and she’s grateful for it, “I think we’d all like that.” she says, “You could meet our assistant Sky, too. She does work with plants, which is probably a little more up your alley than our stuff.”

“Speaking of plants, did you see the hydrangea on the doorstep? She’s looking a lot better, isn’t she?”

“Doesn’t look one foot in the grave anymore, at least.” She says and then lets out a sigh, “Look, I’m sorry I still haven't been able to get you a seat in the main hall for progress day. Mrs Talis said you could both share a seat next year if they deny my request again.” Her father barks a laugh, “Good sense of humor, that woman. I like her.” he crosses his arms and a frown pulls his grey eyebrows together, “House Talis isn’t even that large, I don’t understand why she gets a seat every year and I don’t.” She shrugs a shoulder, “They’re still a house, Dad.” He huffs, “You’d think having a daughter who helped build that big whosawhatsit in the sky would count for something.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” She replies with a halfhearted smile. 

“When are you going to get your face on one of those mugs?” He grumbles, “I keep telling my clients that my brilliant daughter is doing all this amazing stuff and none of them ever believe me, but if i had a mug- ” Another laugh bubbles up and out of her, she shakes her head, “Hey, Viktor doesnt have a mug either. We just don’t have the faces for it.” She lies, Viktor has a face that should be carved out of marble, “Plus we’re not exactly socialites, I don’t know what Id do if people started recognising me when I went out for lunch.” Her father leans forward, taking one of her hands in two of his own, “You deserve some recognition though, pumpkin.” he waves his hand, “I guess that Viktor guy does too, but I don’t care about him.” Somewhere amidst her laughter it starts feeling like crying, she sniffles and quickly wipes her eyes, “Be nice to Viktor, he isn’t here to defend himself.” “Maybe i’d care about him more if i got to meet him.” “Okay, okay.” She says with a watery smile, “I’ll see how we’re doing next month, maybe we can find time for you to visit the lab. You just won’t be able to touch anything, alright?” He lifts his hands up in the air, “Fully hands off, no worries, kiddo.”

***

It’s well past midnight when she finally leaves. Despite the sense of urgency burrowing into the marrow of her bones, her father still makes great company and it was difficult to leave him, but as she finally makes her way back to the academy dorms the urgency has begun an evolution into terror. Viktor’s dorm is eerily silent when she opens the door, even when he’s sleeping she can usually hear the rasp of his breath. Her heart beats so wildly in her chest that she can feel it down to her fingers as she rounds the corner and finds no crutch leaning against the wall of his bedroom and not a single disturbance in the perfectly made sheets. 

The bad feeling rises in her like bile. Desperation gnaws as she drops her handbag, grabs her keys and kicks off her shoes before sprinting from the dorms all the way to the lab on the other side of the building. Her breath is ragged in her chest and her heart is racing in a panic that only increases in metre as she runs. The tiles are cold under her bare feet and she is aware that anyone still awake must hear her barreling down the halls, but she couldn't care about anything less. When she finally turns the corner to their hallway, it feels like it stretches and stretches, mocking her as she tries to get to the door, faster faster . Her breath comes out in an aching sob when she finally makes it, hoping and praying to be proved wrong as the door unlocks. 

But the feeling had been right. 

Viktor’s Hexcore still pulses on the workstation, pitch shifting from G4 to A4 like it’s laughing at her, spinning quietly as she crosses the room. Watching. Her heart stops completely when she sees him slumped on the floor, there’s a disconnect between her brain and her legs, she can’t make them move, she just stares and inhales gulp after gulp of air that never seems to satisfy. Her feet shuffle slowly, like she isn’t quite awake, like it might all just be a dream. She drops to her knees and reaches out for him.

“Viktor?” she tries, shaking him by the shoulder, and then again, panicked, “ Viktor?”

He doesn't stir. She inhales a breath through her nose, biting back tears, “Okay. Okay. ” she whispers to herself, trying to calm her breathing despite the aching sobs that still lurk in the back of her throat. When the sounds of her own breath are finally quiet enough, she lowers her head to his chest, pressing her ear to his sternum. A heartbeat. Barely there. Her own heart starts racing again and tears of relief start rushing down her cheeks. He’s still alive, but she has to keep him that way. While he certainly can’t weigh all that much he’s still a lot taller than her and completely unconscious so there is no way she can carry him. 

“Okay.” She says, more to Viktor than to herself, “I’m going to get Jayce.” she hiccups another sob and presses a hand to his cheek, nodding to herself, “You’re going to be okay. I promise.”

The academy has a capsule pipeline system to send information between wings. She knows (thanks to Jayce’s complaining about it) that there is also a system that connects directly to each individual counciller room. Most folk can’t get a letter through to them directly, but Jayce left her and Viktor with a couple of special capsules that get immediate access without needing to go through verification first. Just in case. Her handwriting is very messy as she scrawls out two letters, barely a sentence on each. She also writes another one for the hospital, but she knows they’re further away than Jayce is. Her shaky hand smudges the ink and the paper must be covered in tears, it’s hard to see what she’s doing with only the ominous light of the Hexcore for illumination, but she never even considers turning a light on. 

Clutching the capsules she avoids taking another look at Viktor, because she might not be able to leave the room if she does, and runs down to the station that sends and receives capsules for the science department. She sends the one for the hospital first because they have a direct line she doesnt need to input an address for. Then she inputs the address for Jayce’s room, sends the capsule and collapses to her knees beside the machine. It’s loud, when a capsule arrives, at least that’s what Jayce says, loud enough to wake him up. She sits on her knees for what must only be five minutes, but even that feels like an hour. There’s a thunk when a capsule arrives in the tube and she opens it with a panicked vigor. 

It’s the hospital, they’re on their way, but it’s going to be an hour. 

She presses her forehead to the cool wall, gritting her teeth. Jayce should have heard it, she has another capsule just in case he didn’t, but he should have, unless he isn’t in his room. Her eyes snap open and she rises up on her knees, hand shaking as she inputs the address for Councillor Medarda’s room instead and sends the second capsule. 

Sitting there on the floor, clutching her knees up to her chest. She can’t stop thinking about Viktor, how she wishes she could do something instead of just sitting here and waiting. She buries her head in her knees and lets out a wail, not even bothering to keep quiet should someone overhear. If she hadn’t gone out tonight, if she just told her father that she needed to postpone, she could have stopped this. It’s all her fault. Just as she feels a scream building in her chest, there’s another thunk . 

This capsule is from Councillor Medarda’s room. The letter inside is Jayce’s handwriting. 

Coming now. 

___

What are we? She wonders, sitting for the fifth hour beside Viktor’s bed in the hospital. She holds his hand tight, tracing the bumps of his knuckles with her thumb and just waiting . It’s been long enough that the orange light of the morning sun is pouring into the room, trying its best to bring some colour to the sterile white hospital room. She’s so tired after an evening spent crying and screaming and running back and forth that her head leans uncomfortably against the unforgiving wall behind her because she can’t manage to hold it up anymore. Jayce is tired too, but he still has enough energy to argue with the doctors, apparently. She can hear them from across the hall.   

It only took him ten minutes to show up after his letter arrived. She was slumped against the wall of the lab with Viktor’s head in her lap when he came scrambling into the room. She’d cried so much that she could barely even move, completely weak with emotional and physical exhaustion and when Jayce finally came in through the door all she could do was start crying all over again. Jayce tried his best to stay calm, though his breath was heaving after running all the way over and his eyes were watery and panicked. She remembers the way he forced a smile. 

“It’s going to be okay.” He’d said, the wavering in his voice betraying his cool exterior, “We’ll get him to the hospital, c’mon.”

He’d pressed his forehead to hers for just a moment and then lifted Viktor from her lap and into his arms. She barely managed to tell him that the hospital already knew they were coming, all her words came in juts and stutters between hiccuping sobs. Jayce tried to convince her to stay behind, but even with her exhausted body and shaking limbs, it was impossible for him to change her mind. The rest of the night is a blur, lots of sprinting, arguing, crying and waiting, so much fucking waiting . 

She sits up straight when Jayce slams the door open. He has his hand clasped over the lower half of his face and his eyes are wild. She just watches as he crosses the room and all but collapses in the chair beside her. She sniffles and tries to smile, “Didn’t change anything, did it?” Jayce buries his face in his hands and she tentatively wraps the arm that isn’t areadly occupied by Viktor’s hand around his shoulder. He isn’t quite crying, but it sounds like he could start at any moment, “No.” he says gravely, “The results for the second round of tests were the same as the first.” a humourless laugh escapes him, “and they said there’s no point doing a third.” She bites her lower lip to hold back a sob, “You didn’t need to yell at them.” She says quietly, “It’s not their fault.” “I know.” Jayce says, his voice breaking, “I just-” he doesnt finish, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes and sucking a desperate breath in through his teeth “Yeah.” she replies, resting her head on his shoulder, “Me too.”

***

Jayce forces her to go home after four more hours. Promising to stay at the hospital until Viktor wakes up. She tries to argue, but unlike her, Jayce had managed a few hours of sleep the night before while she was running completely on empty. For a moment she considers going back to Viktor’s dorm instead of her own and curling up on his empty bed, but logic settles in when she realises Jayce will need to know where to find her if something happens. So she sleeps alone in her own bed and spends the whole time wishing she was somewhere else. 

Even when laying in the bed and clutching her knees to her chest she can still hear the rush of her heartbeat in her ears. Her chest hurts from so many hours of painful sobbing and her eyes sting whenever she blinks them open. Her dreams are restless and disquieting. Unfamiliar images flash behind her eyelids that make little to no sense, Viktor is in all of them, Jayce is there often, Sky too. The only sound she hears is the ominous humming laugh of the Hexcore, as if it has sequestered itself inside her grey matter. The dreams start and end in rapid fire. Nothing good ever happens. 

She doesn’t have any sense of what the time is when a knock at her door has her waking with a panicked gasp. Sun streams in through her open window, so it must still be at least the late afternoon, but other than that she has no idea. She stumbles to her door, still dressed in her nice blouse and skirt from the evening before but terribly rumpled for all her tossing and turning. It takes a moment for her to unlock the door, her hands don’t seem to want to obey her anymore. 

“He’s awake.” Jayce says in a rush, when the door swings open. 

Her heart jumps back into gear, all aching lethargy suddenly replaced with a jittering anxiety, “We have to go back now!” she says, moving to push past him.

“Wait!” He exclaims, grabbing her by the shoulders before she can start running, “I- I wish i could, but Mel doesn’t even know where I am and-” “Oh.” She says quietly, Jayce looks just as tired as she feels. The Councillor Medarda situation notwithstanding, he needs to rest, she can tell. She lifts up onto her toes and pulls him into a hug, breathing shakily, “It’s okay, I understand.” she buries her face in his shoulder, “Did you at least get to talk to him?”

Jayce returns the hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and holding her tight, “Yeah, for just under an hour. I know you wanted to see him straight away but,” he laughs a little, “He wanted me to let you sleep.” Her eyes start beading with tears again, at the thought of him asking Jayce to make sure she gets some rest as if he wasn’t the one who almost died the night before. Sucking in a shaky breath, she releases Jayce and gives him a tired smile, “I’ll see you later then, I guess.” 

He nods, “Let me know if you’ll need me. I’ll be in my room all night.”

“Will do.” She replies, stepping past Jayce and closing her door behind her, “We will talk about you and Councillor Medarda later, though. I want details.” Jayce laughs and they both head their separate ways. 

***

Viktor is at least sitting upright when she finally makes it back to his hospital room. His breath is an aching, painful wheeze and despite being open, his eyes seem glassy and inattentive. They do dart to her face when she enters and something like the first inclination of a smile tugs at the very corners of his mouth. She wants to start crying again, to hold him tight and never let go. She doesn't. Instead, she lurks in the doorway, wringing her hands together.

“I hear you saved me.” He says quietly, his accent and the rasp of his voice makes the words difficult to discern. 

She swallows thickly, “I tried to.” Viktor sighs, then. Turning away from her to face the window. The sun's light makes his skin seem less ashen, but the hollows of his cheeks look even deeper, “I take it you were here with Jayce for my diagnosis, then.” “I-” she starts, voice catching on the word, “I’m sorry.”

He laughs bitterly, “Don’t do that to me, don’t apologise.” 

She doesn’t know what to do but apologise. So instead she keeps her mouth shut and forces herself to return to the chair she had been sitting in for all those hours. Wordlessly, she shuffles the chair forward so she can rest her head on the edge of the mattress, peering up at him. She grabs his hand again, holding it tight the same way she had been when he was asleep. 

“I wouldn’t judge you wrongly.” He says quietly, his other hand moving to cup the back of her head, “If you decided to put a stop to-” he closes his eyes and then says the last word like a secret, “-this.” There’s no specification, no clarification. But she knows, she knows what this is, she’s known it for years. This is the only thing she’s ever wanted, this has taken up residence behind her ribs and any removal would have to be surgical. They’d have to rip this from her, out of her and even then she would kick and scream the entire time. This is what they are. 

“I don’t want to.” She breathes.

“Milackú” he whispers achingly. A word she has never heard before, but instantly recognises it as being for her, “I’m dying .”

It hurts to hear him say it, more than when the doctors did. 

“You’ll figure something out.” She says, “I know you will and if- well if you don’t, I-” she squeezes her eyes shut, trying to force back her tears, “I’m still not going anywhere okay? Neither is Jayce, or Sky. Okay? ” she somehow manages to let out a weak little laugh, “and my father wants to meet you, so you have to stick around for a little while.”

Viktor laughs, though it's more of a rasp, “You talked about me?” he asks quietly.

“Always do.” She replies.

It looks like Viktor wants to say something and it looks that way for quite some time. He lets out a shaky breath instead and just keeps looking down at her, whatever words had been dancing on the edge of his tongue are long gone. Usually, she would be curious as to what they were, but at this moment she's just glad to have him, even in silence. It's hard to remember the precise moment when even looking at Viktor became an exercise in restraint, if it was the day they first held hands in the council room, or even before that. She always wants to reach out, to touch, for her skin and his to coalesce into something evangelical.

After some time, she attempts to readjust her head, frowning when she can't manage to find a position that doesn't put a crick in her neck.

“That cannot be comfortable,” Viktor says quietly, rubbing light circles on the back of her head. 

“It isn’t, my neck hurts,” she answers truthfully. He huffs in faux irritation and shuffles himself to the far side of the bed, “Just get in.” he says, “Before you hurt yourself.”

The hospital bed is a lot smaller than the one in his dorm and while the sheets are starchy and uncomfortable, they do smell like him, so she is more than happy to climb in. The single bed leaves them pressed together from collarbone down to knee and the only comfortable place for her head ends up being his chest. He doesn't seem to mind, his arm curls around her and holds her even tighter against him. She wraps an arm around his middle and buries her face in his hospital gown to hide the new tears beading in her eyes. 

“I love this.” She whispers, a close enough approximation, but its utterance feels less dangerous than the truth. 

Viktor kisses the crown of her head, and he breathes, “So do I.”

He falls asleep first, probably less than an hour after she joins him in the bed. First the first time in a long while his breath sounds steady, though it’s probably because he’s still on oxygen. The rhythmic sound of his heart beneath her ear has her biting her lip to keep herself from sobbing, remembering how quiet it had been all those hours ago. How much it hurt to think he had died, how much it hurts still to know that he will . 

She stays awake as the sun begins to set outside the window, once again painting the hospital walls in hues of orange, watching the shafts of light slowly shift with time. This is what they are. It’s not something that can so easily be named, it’s a feeling, a sob building up behind her ribs, his arm around her and the aching dread of something terrible on the horizon. She feels inseparable from him, a very real sense that if he were to die, she would be soon to follow. It takes another hour for her to fall asleep, hand clutched tight to the bedsheets at Viktor’s waist, leg tucked over the top of his own. She isn’t going anywhere, the universe itself couldn’t make her. 

[farfromstrange]

Fictober Day 27: Slow Dancing

Fictober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Reader

Prompt: Slow Dancing (🌼)

Summary: You and Matt finally manage to be home at the same time, ready to have a romantic dinner when he suddenly puts on one of his jazz vinyls and pulls you in for a dance...

Warnings: Fluff. That’s it.

Word Count: 577

A/n: Posting the last remaining Fictober prompts I didn't get around to posting in October (2024), one by one. I don't like leaving things unfinished, and I promised I'd post them, so... stay tuned!

Read Me On AO3! (coming soon, once all prompts are posted)

The candles on the dining table cast a comfortable glow over the living room. 

For the first time in weeks, Matt has come home from work at a reasonable hour. No, ‘I’ll be home late, don’t wait up for me’ text. No apologetic phone call while he’s eating takeout with Foggy in the office. He came home, and he came home to you. Not the city but you. 

“I’m not going out tonight,” he told you as he kissed you hello, and you never thought a simple statement could sound so sexy. 

The table is adorned with homemade spaghetti and salad. You even brought out the wine one of Matt’s clients gifted him for Christmas last year—the good kind. Just as you’re pouring the first sip of burgundy liquor, the soft tune of a jazz vinyl breaks the comfortable silence. You look up to find your boyfriend standing by his record player, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the first few buttons of his dress shirt undone. He looks at ease, almost as if he has finally come home. You want nothing more than to wrap him in your arms and never let go. With his cheeks flushed and brown eyes so full of light he reminds you of an angel; an angel who more often than not believes himself to be the devil, but you know him better than anyone on this godforsaken planet, and you know the truth. One look, one touch, is enough for you to know the Matt Murdock you know and love is anything but evil.

Matt smiles at you, a little giddy. “C’mon, dance with me,” he says. 

You raise your eyebrows. “Dance?”

“Yeah.” He reaches out from across the room to take your hand. “Just for a minute. I want to hold you…”

You bridge the gap between you, your fingers gently brushing against his as you take hold of his hand. 

“Feel your skin,” Matt murmurs, “Your heartbeat…”

“Haven’t done that in a while,” you say.

He pulls you in. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here.”

“I know.” 

One arm slides around your waist while the other remains tightly in your grasp. You look up at him, this beautiful specimen of a man, watching as his eyelids flutter and he leans his head against yours. Slowly. Reverently. Your pulse jumps under his touch and your heartbeats align. 

He begins to sway you to the gentle rhythm of his favorite jazz tune. It’s just him, you, the music, and the steady beating of his heart against your ear. Thud, thud, thud. He’s so calm, so content. When you’re in his arms, all the wars he’s had to fight on the streets and in his mind are suddenly forgotten. At the end of the day, he will always crawl home to what’s most important to him—you. Even if it’s bloody and bruised and on the brink of death, he will crawl home to you. Because he promised. He swore he would always come home, no matter what and no matter how. You’re the reason he survives. 

“I love you,” he whispers. 

You don’t hesitate whispering back, “I love you,” your voice muffled against his chest. Matt’s hold only seems to tighten around your frame. His voice, only a mere hum in your ear, sings a distant melody. 

You let the music carry you away, the dinner you made long forgotten as you melt like a beeswax candle in his embrace. 

@ebathory997 @the-b33skn33s @scoliobean @drmeghanjones @lanae111 @gpenguin666 @linamarr @itwasthereaminuteago @norestfortheshelbywicked @yarrystyleeza @littlenerdyravenclaw @etanordoesbullsh1t @thychuvaluswife @harleycao @schneeflocky @imjustcal @pipsqueakkitten @merlinbtch @sya-skies @thatonegamefish @amberritonicole @pigeonmama @bohemianrhapsody86 @a-gir1-has-n0-name @winkev1 @callsign-ember @chittaphonstar @buckyyyismahhlife @trublu2u @xnatyx @zomtart @ethereal-blaze @littleagxs @ravenclaw617 @lucienofthelakes @steve-chandler

[padfootagain]

Love in Verses (XLII)

Chapter 42: ‘Love in such a way, as I… love… you.’

Hi! Here is a new chapter! Some cuteness, some cuteness!!

I hope you like this chapter! Tell me what you think!

****

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader (professor!AU)

Warnings: slow burn, angst, hurt, hurt/comfort, tooth-rotting fluff in later chapters, some scenes in later chapters will have heavy sexual themes even if it’s not explicit nsfw description, so no minors here

Summary: Your life seems perfect. You're engaged, your career is thriving as you become an assistant professor at Trinity College, and this Andrew Hozier-Byrne you're sharing an office with seems to be a nice guy you hope to call a friend soon. Life seems to be smiling at you... until everything goes sour. When your fiancé breaks up with you, your perfect world shatters. And when your colleague also gets his heart broken soon after, your shared office seems to be a curse rather than a blessing. But Andrew seems determined to mend your broken hearts... Will things finally go according to plan?

Word Count: 2761

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s masterlist – Main masterlist

If you’re leaving, leave in such a way That no trace of you remains in my soul. If you’re staying, stay in such a way That every corner of my heart Fills and overflows with you… If you love me, love in such a way That I am awed, that, meeting your gaze, For a moment, I vanish from life itself, That I hear no whispers, Distinguish no day from night, Feel warmth in the cold of winter, And coolness in the heat of summer. Love in such a way that my heart Thunders endlessly, and no other smile Can catch my eye as I’m passing by. Love in such a way that I wake up Filled with yearning of seeing you, And when I sleep, it’s only so You will visit me in my dreams. Love in such a way that I lose my mind, Love in such a way that I become drunk… Love in such a way, as I… love… you.

Paruyr Sevak

Andrew was afraid of moving too fast again.

You and Andrew had been dating for almost a year now. You were planning a trip to Galway for your anniversary, you would be staying for two full weeks during the summer. He couldn’t wait. He couldn’t wait to have you just for himself, without work, and essays, and students, and colleagues, and family, and friends. It was a little selfish, but you both had busy lives outside your relationship, and he reckoned it would be nice to focus on just the two of you for a few days. You seemed over-excited by the trip as well. It was still several months away, but you were planning already. He had caught you looking up paths for hiking, and sights to see, and restaurants where you could eat.

You were in his bed now, in his old Thin Lizzy t-shirt and your purple pyjama pants, buried under the covers. Your head was still under the blanket, and he smiled at the sight. He could hear you breathing loudly, trying to warm up the bed.

Such a simple gesture, and yet it filled his heart with love. The joy of slipping in a bed warmed by someone else’s body…

He grabbed his book, climbed into bed. You emerged then, shuddering and immediately snuggling close to him, stealing his body heat.

He wrapped an arm around you, bringing you closer.

“It’s so cold tonight! We’re in April, it should be warmer than this!”

“The earth is burning already… let us have a bit of fresh air.”

You pinched his side, unforgiving tonight, and it made him laugh.

“I’m cold,” you complained.

“Do you want one of my hoodies?”

“No… you’re warm.”

“Leave a bit of heat for me though.”

You slipped your hand across his stomach, and then under his t-shirt, bringing your cold fingers to his burning skin. You laughed as he hissed and shifted away.

“You’re so cruel!” he complained while you put your hand back on his chest, on top of his t-shirt.

When you looked at each other, though, there was nothing but love and tenderness in your eyes and in his. He bent down to kiss your forehead, making you close your eyes.

Andrew was afraid of moving too fast again. And yet there you were, in his bed, ready for sleep. You had spent the evening together, had eaten, talked about this trip to Galway, and watched a movie. It was natural for you to stay the night. You hadn’t slept apart in months. Not a single night. It shifted between your place and his but you were always together. Every night he kissed your lips and whispered he loved you before falling asleep, and every morning he opened his eyes to see you.

And he didn’t want it any other way. He wanted this forever, all the time. Every night, every morning.

He wanted to move in with you. He wanted to build a proper home with you, the kind that Sam had always refused with him. But what if you thought it was too soon? What if you didn’t agree? What if you got scared and left him?

“Baby?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s going on? What’s your busy head thinking?”

You knew him so damn well…

He heaved a sigh.

“I’m just… worrying.”

“About what?”

“Us.”

“Us?”

“I just… I hope… I want…”

He heaved another sigh.

“Never mind…”

“Honey… is there something wrong?”

“No, no… nothing’s wrong. I… I want to ask you something, but I’m afraid you’ll say no.”

You narrowed your eyes at him.

“Is it… a weird fantasy of yours?”

He burst into laughter.

“It’s nothing sexual. And I don’t have ‘weird fantasies’!”

“I don’t know… I could suddenly discover that you have a foot fetish or something…”

“Christ! No, you’re in the clear. I don’t have a foot fetish.”

“Good, I’m reassured. I love you, but I draw the line at you wanting to lick my toes.”

He made a disgusted wince, making both of you laugh for a while, the sound warm and familiar, like home…

You grew more serious again, rubbing soothing circles into his chest.

“What is it, though? That you want to ask me?”

He took a deep breath. It was now or never anyway. God, his heart was beating a thousand miles a minute, could you feel that? Could you feel his heart under your fingers? Did you know it was yours anyway?

“I… I was thinking that we could… maybe… like… I would really like to live with you.”

You blinked up at him.

“Like… I’ve been thinking a lot about us moving in together, these past few weeks. I… I would really like that. Would you?”

Your expression was unreadable for a moment, and he thought you would reject him, he really did… just like Sam. He was the fucking problem all along…

But then your lips broke into a toothy, excited grin.

“Yeah… I’d really like that.”

He blinked, trying to gauge whether or not he had misheard you.

“Really?”

His voice was weaker than he meant for it to be, only too revealing of how vulnerable he was right now.

And he both loved and hated it, the way you seemed to read right through him, to know exactly what he was thinking. You reached up for his cheek, said exactly the right thing.

“I want you. I’m not her. I want this, all of it.”

He nodded, trying to blink tears away.

“Good… yeah… that’s grand… like… erm… yeah…”

You leaned up to shush him with your lips.

“I’d really love to live with you,” you went on with a chuckle. “I mean… we kind of already do!”

“Yeah, that’s true,” he nodded with a little laugh of his own.

“Where would you like to live?”

“Erm… I don’t know… not too far from the city, I guess.”

You were silent for a minute or so, he rubbed circles into the small of your back.

“Do you think that one day we’ll buy a house together?”

His heartbeat quickened as he stared into your eyes.

“I don’t know… we’re not there yet, are we?”

“No, no… we’re not. But… like… would you like that one day? To buy a house? Maybe with me? Can you see that happening? In like… a couple of years?”

His heart was stumbling now.

You were seeing that? You, him? A house?

A couple of years?

“Elwood would finally have a garden.”

Elwood? You, him, Elwood? A house? A garden?

A couple of years?

“Yeah,” he breathed, his voice made hoarse by emotions. “Yeah… I can see that. I’d love that.”

You nodded, grinning.

“I’d love that too.”

You were both quiet for a moment, simply enjoying each other’s presence.

“God… Andy… we’re going to need so many bookshelves…”

Andrew let out a bright laugh, and you soon joined him.

And he was so happy. So goddamn happy…

“Jon, I swear to God… if you drop this…”

“I won’t.”

“Careful with it!”

“I won’t drop it! Relax, Andy. For God’s sake…”

You chuckled, fondly shaking your head at the two bickering brothers.

“Play nice you two,” you admonished.

Behind you, Raine was carrying a small package in the kitchen.

“Listen to Y/N. Be nice.”

“I am,” they both answered at the same time.

You heard John’s cane echoing down the hall, and indeed, he was soon in the kitchen as well.

“Huh… nobody has asked the only relevant question here,” Siobhán complained. “Where the hell is the beer?”

You all laughed at her, before you fetched in your brand-new fridge for a beer.

“Is that the first thing you put in there?” Alex asked, a teasing smile on his lips.

“Obviously,” you nodded, making everybody laugh.

You handed everyone a beer, looked around at the work you had accomplished. Everyone was busy with quiet conversations, Andrew with his family, while Siobhán and Alex were catching up, as they had not seen each other since the New Year. You smiled as you looked at them laughing, getting along well, like friends already. You heard Alex arguing that they shouldn’t let so much time pass before they’d talk again, this time around. If you didn’t know Siobhán, you’d have sworn there was a blush tainting her cheeks when she agreed. But then Siobhán turned to you, talked about your flat, about the work left to do and the one already done. All your furniture was in your new home, you now had to settle in properly. There was a rather large kitchen opened on the living room, a bathroom, a bedroom, two smaller rooms that you would turn into your offices. There was a small balcony too, just large enough for a square table and a couple of chairs. Elwood loved it already. He was spying on birds, sitting on the balcony, looking up at their shapes flying off and landing on the electric cables on the other side of the street.

It was simple, but more than large enough for the two of you. It was your home, to both you and Andrew.

You reached for his hand, and he immediately intertwined your fingers together, rubbing your knuckles in a soothing gesture.

“Well, it doesn’t look too bad,” John nodded, clearly content.

“It’s a lovely flat you’ve found,” Raine nodded. “And we saw there was a park nearby, as we were driving here this morning!”

“Yeah, it’s just five minutes away. It’ll be perfect for Elwood,” you nodded.

Andrew gave your hand a tender squeeze.

Alex was talking about decorating the living room and everybody listened, except for Andrew. Instead he leant closer to you, bent down to whisper in your ear.

“We’re going to make such happy memories here. I can feel it.”

You grinned up at him.

“I can feel it too, baby.”

And you were both right.

You heaved a dramatic sigh, the pile of essays scattered across your bed. A mess of paper and pencils across the blanket.

You had a headache, you hated your life, you hated university, you hated how comfortable and inviting your pillow was…

A low chuckle made you glare as you looked up at the intruder, who was walking in your bedroom with two cups of tea in his hands, his glasses a little lopsided on his nose, wearing plaid pyjama pants and his old Thin Lizzy t-shirt.

“Someone’s getting frustrated?” he asked in his warm voice, and you couldn’t control your reaction to it. Even after all this time, you still felt the same. It made you feel peaceful, dizzy with warmth and safety.

“I hate grading papers… Why can’t we just… do research, and give classes, but without the tests and the essays and the grading?”

“Because life is hard and highly unfair.”

You stared at him as he handed you a cup of your favourite tea, done exactly the way you liked it. The warmth of the porcelain was spreading across your fingers as quickly as the sight of his smile was warming your heart. You allowed yourself to stare at him for a moment. Smiling, warm and mischievous with his teasing, hazel eyes turned fully green in the tiredness of the night, the beard you longed to feel against your skin colouring his cheeks, and his long, curly brown hair was let loose and free to fall all the way to his shoulders. You settled your gaze fondly on the freckle above his right eye, and the curve of his long eyelashes, on the pink of his lips that you constantly longed to kiss. You held out your hand, and he immediately placed his own in your hold.

And you thought about Frank. About that man you had loved, and thought you always would. How you had almost married him. How you could have missed this moment, how you could have missed loving someone as wonderful as Andrew. How the best things in life are always so fragile, always on the verge of disappearing, or not happening at all…

“You’re alright, love?” Andrew asked with a small tilt of his head, worry making him frown.

“Yeah, just frustrated and tired,” you nodded.

But he narrowed his eyes at you, and you sighed when he read right through you.

“No… there’s something else. What’s bothering you, darling?”

You took a sip of your tea before answering.

“I was just thinking… how easy it would have been for us never to be together. Isn’t that crazy? I can’t imagine my life without you in it now, and we could have never been together.”

He nodded, let go of your hand. And at first, you thought he was moving away, but he merely walked around the bed to his side, pushed the papers you still had to grade further down the bed, and slipped under the covers with you. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, and you easily yielded when he pulled you closer.

“Hmm… a lot of things could have gone wrong,” he slowly nodded. “We could have been put in different offices, you could have accepted that job in Belfast, our crazy plan about our exes could have worked out.”

“Do you regret it sometimes? That you didn’t end up with Samantha?”

He laughed at that, surprising you with the brightness of it.

“Don’t be silly! Of course, I don’t! I’m so much happier with you than I was with her. Nah… I have no regrets. I love you way too much for that.”

You grinned up at him.

“Do you? Regret Frank?”

But you shook your head.

“You make me happier than he ever did,” you answered, burying your face in his chest, and he bent to kiss the top of your head.

He grinned into your hair.

“So… no regrets in moving in with me and everything?”

“Actually… I do have one regret.”

He pulled away just enough to look at you, growing serious again as he frowned with worry.

“You haven’t kissed me since you’ve walked in the room.”

He rolled his eyes at that, mumbling something about you giving him a proper scare, before he would lean in and kiss you, slow and deep at first, a kiss that turned passionate and urgent as his hands moved across your body.

You shifted to get closer to him, knowing where this kiss was heading, and having no intention to stop Andrew when he moved his lips from your mouth to your neck. You lost your hand in his curls, moaning as he softly bit the fragile skin over your pulse…

You were both startled as the pile of graded essays fell to the floor.

“No!”

You rushed to gather them in a new pile, groaning and mumbling under your breath. Meanwhile, Andrew was picking up the rest, and setting them aside by the bed.

“I need to finish this tonight, love,” you admonished, nodding towards the papers he had placed on the ground by his side of the bed.

“It’s almost eleven. No more work.”

“And I thought you were the one who was always working.”

“I’m always writing, not grading essays.”

“Hmm… and yet, I haven’t heard anything in a while.”

He blushed, making you smile fondly at him.

“I have a few poems ready for you, if you want,” he mumbled under his breath, growing shy and making you giggle.

“Oh! I can’t wait to read them, my love.”

He grinned at the earnestness in your answer, but still told you to discard the essays for tonight.

“I have better plans for us, like…” he quipped, wiggling his eyebrows and making you laugh, although you could still feel butterflies erupt in your stomach at the sight of his tempting stare.

“Oh, really? And how do you suppose you’re gonna convince me to drop my academic duties in favour of sinful activities?”

He grinned, something devilish and awfully charming.

“That’s the easy part, darling,” he spoke with a voice deeper and lower than his usual tone, that made your very soul tremble.

You blinked as he took off his shirt, put away his glasses. You stared at the marble skin, longed to touch it…

You struggled to swallow, and dropped the essays to the floor.

“Alright, okay, I’m convinced. Kiss me…”

He laughed; a grin on the verge of cockiness at his success forming on his lips; still, you let him have his win.

But when you gently held his lower lip between your teeth, he was the one begging for more…

[lonely-ey3s]

With All My Love (joel miller x f!reader, no outbreak) Chpt 3

Chapter 3: Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth...

Word count: 10.7k

Chapter Summary: After telling Maria everything about you and Joel, you start to realize your feelings may not be one-sided. However, just when you think things are about to calm down, you and the group are assigned to fly out on a field assignment for several days. Meanwhile, Joel hasn’t heard from you in weeks due to the mail being blocked on your side. He starts to worry something might have happened, but once Sarah discovers something after speaking to Tommy on their way out on a weekend getaway for a soccer tournament, Joel’s whole outlook changes for the better. 

Chapter warnings: anxiety, flirting, fluff, mentions of blood, mentions of guns, mentions of active combat and unaliving, panic attack, a smidge of angst, language, slow burn, guys we have smut in this chapter (18+ MDNI), m!masturbation, mentions of death, flying and jumping out of a plane (yeahh no thanks)

Banners by: @saradika-graphics

Main Masterlist

Reader’s POV

After spilling everything to Maria about Joel’s letters and what he sent you, you both fell asleep on the floor of Terrance and Reggie’s. 

You woke up 7 hours later to Reggie and Terrance laughing over something in their bunks. 

Seven hours was the longest you had slept in days. You sat up on the backs of your elbows and looked around. Maria was still fast asleep next to you. You sat up more and yawned, then looked at your watch. You still had time to grab something to eat, take a quick shower, and maybe write a letter back to Joel, depending on whether any emergencies pulled you away. 

You stood to your feet and realized someone must’ve put a blanket over you when you slept, Maria as well. You put your blanket gently over Maria and walked towards the boys “What are you two up to?” you started stretching your arms over your head and cracking your neck as you woke up a little stiff. 

“Nothin' much, you sleep good?” Reggie asked, eating a bowl of what looked to be cornflakes. 

You shrugged and nodded, “As good as you can on the floor. " You lightly chuckled. “Hey, do either of you know if we have the okay to Skype family and friends? Like, do we have a special computer or somewhere we can do that?” You tried to ask nonchalantly.

“Yeah - they said your laptop we got when we got here is approved to do things like that,” Terrance said as he was working on a crossword puzzle. 

“Oh, gotcha. I didn’t know if we were ok to do personal stuff on it like that. Good to know.” you nodded and then smiled softly. “Well, I’m going to try to get something to eat and attempt to take a shower, I’ll see you guys later. Tell Maria when she wakes up I’ll meet her back here in a couple of hours.” you walked backward and then waved at the two of them before you began walking to the cafeteria building. 

You passed the medical tent and heard your name being called gently by a small voice. You stopped and looked around before spotting Azzami waving towards you, beckoning you to come to him. 

You walked over to his cot and smiled “Hey there, how are you?” you asked him in Dari. 

He gently smiled, “I’m a little sore.” he said in English. “Can I have some water?”

You nodded and grabbed him a small cup of water, helping him sip from it, “You speak English pretty good.. better than my Dari, I’m sure” 

He softly nodded and chuckled, “You aren’t bad. You’re new. You will learn more.” 

You softly looked at him and smiled “Will you teach me more?” 

He nodded and then reached for your hand, gripping it tightly “Will you stay with me a little longer?” 

“Of course. Of course, I’ll stay a little longer.” you knelt next to his cot and spent the next hour telling him where you were from, how you and Maria were bunkies, and if he ever needed anything, you would help. He shared that he was pretty much an orphan and explained that he wasn’t from this village, he fled here from a nearby village that was taken by the enemy as a base for their operation. You explained that you and he would stick together, that he had a place as long as you were here. You’d keep him safe. 

He fell back asleep from exhaustion. You made sure his IV drip looked good and the wound was still clean and then left to go to the cafe. 

You grabbed a bowl of rice and beans, ate that to yourself quickly, and then went to take a shower. 

Once you felt full and refreshed you went back to your and Maria’s quarters to grab your notebook and pen you wrote letters in and some Polaroid pictures you had taken here and there since being there to send Joel. 

Maria had snuck some candid photos for you when you weren’t looking over the past couple of weeks. Either when you were taking care of a patient or goofing off. She even got one of you smiling and laughing at one of Reggie’s jokes. When she showed you, you knew that Joel might like that one most. You also got a group photo of the four of you which you all were in a circle, with the camera in the middle all making a goofy face, but all you could do was smile happily while everyone else made a face. 

You sat back down next to Azzami’s cot, knowing that he found comfort in having you near him. 

You put Joel’s address and your new return address on the envelope, then stuck the photos in, tucking the envelope under your thigh so the wind wouldn’t blow it away as there was a gentle breeze today. 

You began writing: 

‘Joel, June 20, 2014

I don’t think it would be right to start this letter off without thanking you for the beautiful, sincere and thoughtful gifts you sent in the first parcel. I’m wearing your pendant now, and have already felt so much lighter with it on. I also feel like I’ve somewhat got a part of you with me, that might sound silly, but it brings me such comfort. 

You’ve been such a comfort in my life these last several weeks. I hope you know that. 

And you’re right, I have you, and you have me <3

You panicked just a little thinking that was too forward, too honest, but then remembered things he said in his last letter and if you could say those things effortlessly, you could too without fear of rejection.

We will have to thank Sarah for your photos, but we will have to thank Maria for mine. The Polaroid intimidates me a little too, but now that I’ve got my disposable - thank you again for that, you’ll be getting that sent back in no time. I can’t wait to start taking photos for you to see. :) 

Speaking of Sarah, I’m sorry to hear about the circumstances of her mother. I know that must’ve been hard on you when it happened, but then I’m sure it’s also had some effect on Sarah. Just know that Sarah is lucky to have you as her dad. Her mom missed out on a really neat kid, she seems pretty amazing. 

Your grandad sounds like a very special person and I am grateful you had a father figure like that in your and your brother's life. I know that any positive influence when you lack it somewhere, means the world. You had your granddad, I had my Levi. We were both very blessed to have both of them shape us into who we are today. <3

Oh, the name Cricket... I uh… I don’t chirp in my sleep, thank goodness. But Levi said that I used to rub my legs together under the sheets when I would get really warm and cozy… like a cricket he said, and never called me anything else after that. I have a small cricket tattoo… for Levi. To remember him by. <3

You mentioned Oregon and the whales. That sounds so cool, and I’d love to go! I’ve never been to Oregon or traveled much other than when I moved to GA, so that would be fun.  Maybe on a school break of Sarah’s… we could all do a small road trip together? Would she like that? 

You mentioned you are going to make a rocking chair, I am very excited to see your skills and the progress along the way! I love to watch people work with their hands - it’ll be very cool to watch you work. :) I think in terms of design, a bow would be cute for a little girl! Or a butterfly would be pretty too? You choose! Bow or butterfly <3

I also wanted to let you know that I did send a postcard when I got here, I have no idea if it got out tho, I didn’t get your letters until yesterday. The village I am in was pretty much an active war zone for the last two weeks, and from what we know mail wasn’t allowed in, but I’m hoping mine made it out as I put it to send the morning before everything went to shit. 

Anyway, I’ve got to go, my shift is about to start soon, sadly or I’d write more.. but, I wanted to ask, wou-

You stopped writing and took a deep breath, fiddling with the pen against the paper. Rubbing the bridge of your nose, looking at the sentence you want to finish when anxiety starts to bubble up from the depths you’ve tried to shove it down to. You didn’t want to get hurt or overstep. 

You hoped this wasn’t one-sided. Was he just socially awkward? Maybe? Maybe more shy than anything. But so were you. This couldn’t be just you, right? He has said things and has done things to show you that he wants more. The annoying thought came into your head, were you reading too much into it? Did you mistake kindness for something deeper? Were you that lonely, that deprived of love? As quickly as the thought came in to haunt you, it disappeared as you subconsciously reached up and grabbed the pendant in your fist, all the anxiety and fears dissolving. 

You closed your eyes and smiled softly as you took in a breath through your nose, out through your mouth.  

You opened your eyes and looked back at the paper finishing your sentence: 

Anyway, I’ve got to go, my shift is about to start soon, sadly or I’d write more.. but, I wanted to ask, would you like to Skype each other in addition to our letters? If so, my email to reach me is cricket777@mail.com - I look forward to hopefully hearing from you there <3

Warmest regards, 

Y/N

P.S. Cowboys lost 21-7 to the Vikings on Sunday… you were saying whose team was better?? ;)'

You chuckled and knew that football between you two would be a fun disagreement. You then folded the letter into thirds and stuck it in the envelope. 

Azzami was still fast asleep so before your shift started, you ran your letter to the post center to be mailed back as soon as possible. 

—

5 days later 

While Azzami recovered, and when you weren’t actively working, you sat with him and kept him company. You both bonded very quickly and looked out for each other. 

He started to call you ‘khahar’, which meant sister in Dari, and you would call him ‘Z’ as he wanted a cool nickname after learning Reginald’s name was shortened to Reggie, he was obsessed with shortening his to something cooler, and easier for the soldiers to pronounce. 

You filled your disposable camera almost up in that time, taking photos of the sunrises and sunsets, selfies of Z and you, and photos of the group playing games with the children of the village in your free time. You also took a lot of pictures of stray dogs and cats around the village which was your favorite thing to do aside from hanging out with Z. 

He taught you and Maria how to make fishtail bracelets, making one for himself, Maria, and you, which you all wore proudly together. One night you stayed up late and made a purple and pink one for Sarah and a dark green and navy blue one for Joel then sent it off early the next morning with a postcard in the parcel saying: 

‘Joel, 6/27/14

Z is a boy in the village that we take care of, and he taught Maria and me how to make these- I was thinking… I am wearing your necklace, and have a piece of you with me, you can wear this and have a part of me with you :) 

Made Sarah one too, hope the colors are to her liking as well as yours <3  

Hope you and Sarah are well, 

-Y/N’ 

You woke up the next morning to Terrance and Maria suiting up, getting into what you called your field gear. Anxiety shot through you “What’s going on?” you questioned standing up and beginning to put your boots on. 

“Field assignment. Sarge just came by with orders. Things are bad 10 miles south, they need more medics.” Terrance said, nervousness evident in his voice. 

“Shit… do we know for how long?” you looked around trying to find your things somewhat frantically. “Wait, does Z know?” you started changing into your field gear and packing what you needed. 

Maria shook her head, “No we just found out maybe 5 minutes before you woke up. Reggie went to find him. No idea how long we will be gone either.” 

Within a few minutes, you hear Z calling out ‘khahar’, “What’s going on? Reggie said you’re leaving…” he said with tears in his eyes, without the four of you there, he was pretty much on his own. 

You sat him down on the bed and took his hands “We will be back, I promise, ok? This is only temporary..” 

He nodded “But what if..” he looked at you sadly. 

You shook your head and hugged him tightly “No, that won’t happen. We are going to have each other’s backs..” you pulled away from him and looked at the group, “Right guys?” 

They all nodded and came over to pat his head or nudge him supportively. 

You looked at him and kissed his forehead, “Hey, we will be back Z, ok? I promise.” you pulled back to look him in the eyes, “Stay by the camp, everyone knows you here, they’ll let you stay here if you want.” You gripped his head gently in your hands, continuing eye contact, “And Z, you do not leave or go past the south gate for any reason. If anything happens while we are gone, you hide and stay quiet. Understand?” 

He nodded “I understand. I will be good. I will be safe.” he smiled sadly. 

You nodded back and then kissed the top of his head. “Good. We will be back soon.” you got up and grabbed your stuff then left the bunkhouse. 

—

You were all flown in by helicopter to a barren field outside a village south of camp. 

Two minutes before landing the pilot came onto your headsets “Alright this is going to be a drop-off, you all need to grab your bags and then when I give the signal, you need to get off as quickly as you can and head for cover! Understood!?” 

You looked at Maria, she looked at you and then Reggie and Terrance, “We need to stick together, keep moving and find cover. We don’t leave anyone behind, yeah?” you all nodded and then braced as the pilot made a sharp turn.

“Get ready!” he shouted and aimed the aircraft as close to the ground as possible, you dropped a rope out for you all to slide down. 

“I’ll go first! Make sure it's clear!” you shouted, putting your bag over your shoulder and picking up the assault rifle you now had to carry. Each person nodded in agreement. 

“Now!” the pilot shouted through the comms system. You ripped the headset off quickly, letting it dangle from the ceiling before grabbing the rope and sliding down, taking cover and pulling your assault rifle's scope out immediately to check for any threats. 

Your breathing was heavy and your mind was going a million miles a minute. You did a 360 turn in a circle to scope the area then looked up and signaled it was clear with your hand. Reggie slid down next, followed by Terrance, and then Maria last. Once you all touched down the helicopter immediately turned to fly away. You all crept down and began to run as quickly as you could to a nearby building to take cover. Just as you were about 50 feet away you heard a distant yell “Take cover!” you all froze and dropped to the ground, covering your heads and staying as close as you could to each other. 

Within seconds an explosion went off about 100 yards away from you. You lifted your head to look around, ears ringing and dust starting to cloud the view from behind you. You looked around frantically, then spotted a clear path to where your camp location was marked. You looked around once more then stood up “We gotta move, come on!” you encouraged the group. They all stood up and followed you. You all had one hand on your guns and then ran in a line with a hand on someone’s shoulder, keeping you all together. 

You heard gunshots and immediately pulled your gun’s scope to view, ready to shoot if necessary as you all kept walking through the camp that had now been from what you can tell abandoned or moved, the location you were given prior, no use.

“Shit..” Maria said under her breath. 

You looked back at her then Terrance, “Terrance, radio in, see if anyone answers.” 

He nodded and pulled out the radio your group was given before departing, turning to the channel designated for this area. “Delta 34, this is Specialist Johanson, touch down was made via helicopter for emergency medical attention, does anyone copy?”

You all waited for what seemed like minutes before you heard “This is Delta 34, we need help!” The radio stopped and there was a brief moment of static. You all heard an explosion in the distance before the person came back on the radio, “We are 500 yards southeast to the main village entrance.”

You looked back from where you came from and then found southeast and pointed before looking at the group, “Ok we need to go in groups of two, we are too big of a target if we go all together.” you looked around, thinking, trying to think what was best. 

“Maria, go with Reggie, follow me and Terrance.” you looked at Terrence, he looked terrified. None of you had been in a combat or active warzone like this yet, you hadn’t even shot your guns outside boot camp. 

“How far behind?” Reggie asked. 

“I don’t know, maybe 100 yards? Enough to where if either of our groups gets shot at, the other has time to react and cover the other.” you looked at Maria for a suggestion. 

“100 yards. We will have your backs.” Maria nodded at you. 

You nodded back and straightened your rifle’s strap across you and then let out a deep sigh, “Ok, the faster we get to cover, the safer we are. Let’s take our time, and be safe, but aim for speed. Sound good?” you looked at the others. 

Terrence wasn’t with you, he zoned out. 

You put your hand to his cheek, “Hey, come back to us. I need you to focus.” 

He snapped out of where he was and nodded, panic still in his eyes and features. 

“You got this.” you nudged him softly and then started walking, rifle pointed straight forward, finger on the trigger. He followed you looking above and to the sides of you. Maria and Reggie followed. 

You got to the center of the camp within 15 minutes, you were only shot at once, it grazed the top of your helmet, Maria zoned in seeing where it had come from, and shot the assailant down. 

Once there, it was pure chaos. There were bodies and people everywhere, scattered, injuries ranging in severity. You all froze taking in the sight, processing the mess, and then the four of you all snapped out of it at the same time and split up, doing what you all do best, working together to create a system. 

Maria worked on triaging, putting chalk on the bottom of their boot to signal priority, red for emergency, yellow for next in line, green for lowest priority, and white for dead. 

Terrence went to gather supplies. 

Reggie used the camp's bigger radio and called a nearby camp to ask for further assistance and backup, advising an airstrike may be best for the northeast area as that is where most of the wounded are coming from. 

You immediately started working on the red patients. 

After 15 minutes of working, you have gunfire within a few hundred yards of you. Instinctually, you lean over your patient to cover them, shouting “Take cover!”

After a few seconds of silence, you looked up to make sure everyone was ok, counting heads, when you realized you couldn’t find Terrance.

“Shit.” You frantically start scanning the area, “Terrance!” you yell, Maria looks your way, realizing, worry registered on her face as well. You had your hands on an actively bleeding wound, you started to pack it with gauze as you kept looking around, shouting his name. You pack the wound and then walk away, looking at Maria “Cot 3, take over!” she nodded and headed over. You continued to walk towards where you last saw Terrence go, and that's when you saw him. 

He had been shot in his upper leg, and was on the ground 50 yards away, leaning up against a car, bleeding, fumbling to cover his wound with his hands, breathing panicked, he was clearly in shock, supplies he was gathering scattered around him.  

“Fuck… Fuck!” you immediately ran in his direction, not even thinking of there being gunfire potentially aimed at you. “Terrence!”

He looked your way and then saw something behind you, “Get down!” he yelled. You dropped and covered behind a car across the street from him, a grenade went off and created the perfect dust cover for you to make it to him. 

You crouch and run to him, sliding in front of him. 

His leg is gushing blood, you know just by that it’s most likely nicked the femoral artery. You look up at him, he’s crying, “I don’t wanna die! Please, I don’t want to die!” he yelled, pleading. 

You look around for what supplies you have then start to unbuckle your belt. “You’re not going to die. You will not die...” 

You snaked your belt above the injury and started to tunicate his leg, pulling the belt as tight as you could. “You still got that radio on you?” 

He nodded and pulled it out from behind him, handing it to you, his hands shaking. 

You turned it on a different channel, “Alpha 326 this is Specialist ____ with Delta 34, do you copy?” 

“We copy.” a voice came almost immediately. 

“I need an immediate air strike to the following coordinates…” you pulled out your GPS locator, “34.713911, 69.239214. I have a critical patient and myself in the field and we need immediate assistance to get him to safety.”

You heard static for a few seconds then, “Copy that, air strike 60 seconds out.” 

You looked at Terrance and then clipped the radio to the back of your pants. “I’m going to pick you up when that strike happens but I need you to calm down.” You started to pack gauze into his wound, making him groan and breathe faster and heavier. 

“Terrance, I need you to breathe… breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth.” You said taking one of his hands. “I am going to get us out of here, but I need you to take some deep breaths.” 

He nodded and took a slow breath in through his nose and then exhaled out from his mouth. 

You nodded, “Good. One more.” 

He nodded and did it again. 

You smiled softly, “I got us.”

He nodded “You got us..” 

You looked up at the sky and saw a fighter jet make its way. You peeked your head out from the car and saw where you needed to go, noting someone in the building to your left with a gun pointed at your position. You moved your head back down to hide, grabbed your pendant in your fist, and closed your eyes for a second, taking in a breath, praying, hoping, ‘Please protect us, please don’t let us die.’ 

You opened your eyes and looked at him, zoned in, “Ok. Ready?” you grabbed your pistol on the side of your hip and popped up, firing 3 rounds at the gunman pointing at you, disarming him. You got back down, putting your gun away quickly, “On three…”

He nodded, you both counted down and then you grabbed his left arm and right leg and swung him over your shoulder like they showed you in basic. 

“Fuck you’re heavier than you were in basic, what the fuck man..” you strained as his full weight was on you, but then you started to jog towards the exit, the fighter jet releasing rounds into the buildings around you as soon as you stood, taking out the threats. 

Once inside safety, you got Terrance to a medical cot and Maria took over and tended to him while Reggie checked you out for any injuries.  

After being cleared you jumped in like nothing happened, thinking ‘The faster we get done here, the faster I’m back to camp, with Z and Joel…’ 

—

This went on for another 8 days. 

12 deaths.

46 injured.

Once the area was cleared, you helped Terrance and the other critical patients on a medical plane, going to a hospital in the city for care. It turned out that his injury was more severe than you and your crew could take care of in the field, got infected too, and without more intervention, there was a high chance he’d lose his leg. 

Maria and Reggie had already said goodbye and left back to camp. 

You took his hand, letting out a soft sigh, “You’re most likely going home, which is good, we want you safe and not to lose your leg… but we will miss you all terribly.” you smiled softly. “Z won’t forgive you if you don’t write to him, m’kay?” 

Terrence chuckled and nodded, “I’ll write and once I am able, I’ll Skype.” 

You nodded and then smiled once more, patting his shoulder softly, “I’ll see you.” 

He nodded back, “Yes you will.” 

You stepped off the plane and headed back to the camp to gather your things. The rest of you were headed back to camp, you hoped to come back to maybe hear from Joel. You needed that more than anything right now. 

Joel’s POV

Joel hadn’t heard from you in nearly three weeks. He wondered if you were safe. He wasn’t a religious man by any means, but couldn’t help and say small prayers for your safety here and there when his mind got too loud. 

He often found himself holding onto your picture, especially moments when his anxiety took hold. 

‘She’s safe, she just has a very busy job.’ he would repeat to himself when he’d see, read or hear something on the news about the war. He told himself that once he got your letters he would find the location on a map and then pay more closely to that area in the news. 

He kept telling himself that letters take time, there was no need to worry, right?

—

July 2, 2014

Sarah had a soccer tournament out of town this weekend. Tommy and Sarah convinced Joel to make it into a Fourth of July weekend getaway and they could take Tommy’s boat to Canyon Lake which was just a half hour from where they were staying. 

Sarah could tell Joel was feeling anxious as she also picked up how long it had been since a letter of yours came in the mail. She noticed her dad checking the mailbox every morning before he would hop in his truck, hopeful something would be there, then the look of sadness and disappointment when the mail contained nothing but bills and advertisements.  

Tommy came over early, and Joel was upstairs packing his bag. Sarah and he packed a cooler together for the drive. 

“Can I ask you somethin’ sweet pea?” Tommy looked at Sarah as he began to spread mayo on some sandwich bread.

Sarah nodded as she was filling some Ziplock baggies with some chips. 

“What’s going on with your dad? He seems distant lately, on top of that he’s gone out to that mailbox 3 times already this morning…” he began putting lunch meat and cheese on the bread.

Sarah looked towards the stairs and sighed softly, “Yeah, a lot is on his mind, I think.” she walked over and sat on the counter next to Tommy, “He and I are doing this pen pal thing together. His person is currently deployed in Afghanistan, she’s a medic.” she helped squirt some spicy mustard on the cheese before Tommy put the other half of the bread on top, she continued, “I think dad likes her, you know like likes her…” she hopped off the counter to begin putting the used ingredients back in the fridge. “He hasn’t heard from her in, I think 3 weeks. I think he’s worried something happened to her.” 

Tommy perked up when he heard Joel was doing a pen pal program, but then after he heard it was to a woman in Afghanistan he was more intrigued. “Wait wait… you guys are doing that pen pal program too?” 

Sarah spun around, confused about what he said, “Too? As in you’re doing it too?” 

Tommy chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, saw a flyer at the local library…” he thought for a second, “Wait, that’s interesting because my pen pal also got deployed to Afghanistan maybe… I don’t remember, the beginning of June? She’s a medic too” he shrugged the thought of them writing two bunk mates off though, the chances of that being so slim. 

Sarah’s jaw dropped, and she quickly ran up to him, “Tommy, the person you’re writing... What’s her name?”

He looked confused as he wrapped the sandwiches in cling film, “Maria. Why?”

“Tommy. Does Dad know about you doing this pen pal program, who you’re writing to?” she pressured. 

“No, I didn’t think it was worth mentioning, why? What’s going on?” he turned towards her now feeling on the edge of his seat by her line of questioning.

“Tommy… Maria and Y/N are bunkmates…” She grabbed his arm and smiled brightly, “Wait, when did you hear from Maria last?” she looked at him desperately, hoping he had heard from Maria more recently.

Tommy connected the dots in his head, “Oh shit... I see what you’re getting at. I uh, I Skyped her right after she got to camp. We uh… you know exchanged Skype info before she left in case mail couldn’t get out… as that happened to me when I was over there quite often.” He chuckled “Now this all makes sense, she said that they were in a pretty active area, and said mail wasn’t able to get out… it’s possible your dad isn’t getting her mail due to th-” he explained. 

“Dad!” Sarah interrupted and shouted running up the stairs towards his bedroom, “Dad!!” 

Joel came out of his room looking slightly panicked at Sarah’s shouting, “Sarah? What’s wrong?” he grabbed her face in his hands, studying her eyes. 

“Tommy! Get your ass up here!” Sarah took Joel's hands off her softly, giggling excitedly. 

“Sarah, language!” Joel scolded her gently. 

Tommy jogged up the stairs and smirked when he got to the top, “When were you going to tell me all this sulking was over a woman big brother?”

Joel looked at Tommy confused, “What? I’m not sulki-” 

Tommy nodded “Yes you are, like a puppy dog.” he laughed softly, continuing to walk towards Joel and Sarah at the end of the hall. 

“Dad, Tommy is writing in the pen pal program too! And guess what?” Sarah began bouncing on her toes, hands cradled up to her chest, beaming. 

“Wh-” Joel was cut off. 

“He’s writing to Maria! You know, Maria!? From Y/N’s first letter! Uncle Tommy is writing your pal’s literal bunk mate Dad!” Sarah shouted a little louder than she expected. 

Joel looked at Tommy, relief cracking through his expression, “Wait.. is this true? I.. I haven’t.. when did you hear from her last?” he looked at Tommy, desperately. 

Tommy smiled softly and put his hand on Joel’s shoulder, “They made it to their base camp safely, Maria even mentioned how her friend, Y/N, was getting them dinner when I last spoke to her..” 

Joel looked at Tommy, confused now, “Wait you spoke to her, as in like on the phone?” 

Tommy shook his head, “No, no, Maria and I exchanged Skype information in our last letter exchange before she got deployed. I knew the chances of mail not making it out if she was in an active combat area were gon’ to be high…” he sighed gently. “I spoke to her via Skype a couple of days after she landed in Afghanistan.” he explained before gently squeezing Joel's shoulder, “She said they pretty much had the village on lockdown.” He gently shook his shoulder, “Your girl tho, she’s safe, she probably just hasn’t got your letters yet. Maria said it had been pretty busy and they hadn’t had much time to barely sleep. We haven’t had the time to Skype again tho since then, but she’s been sending messages letting me know small updates, sending pictures, and stuff like that.” he smiled.

Joel listened to everything, nodding along to Tommy and then letting out a sigh of relief, “Oh, thank god..” he felt his kneels buckle as he felt like this enormous load was immediately lifted off his shoulders, he fell to this knees and held his head in his hands, tears pooling, it was like damn of so much emotion had broken. “I thought… she… the news…” he said with a crack in his voice, voice quivering. 

Sarah fell to the ground and hugged him, “Oh Dad, I’m so sorry, I had no idea this was bothering you this much.” 

Joel fell into her arms and sobbed softly, “I was worried something happened and she has no one to… she has no one they will alert, all her family is gone.” he looked up at Tommy and Sarah, tears streaking down his face. 

Sarah had rarely seen her dad cry, this was a huge emotional marker that you meant more to her dad than she knew. Sarah looked at Joel and softly began wiping the tears from his cheeks, “She’s got you now Dad…” She smiled and kissed his cheek before hugging him again, “It’s ok Dad, everything is ok.” 

Joel held her tightly, kissing the top of her head. 

Tommy knelt, “Do you want me to message Maria and ask for an update? Just for peace of mind?” 

Joel nodded, “Please? You don’t need to mention me or Y/N.. I’ll know if Maria is safe, she is too.” 

Tommy nodded, “Can I log into your computer real quick? I can do it before we leave then when we get to our hotel, I can check my laptop… it’s just already packed in the truck or I would message on there.” He smiled at Joel and Sarah. 

Joel nodded quickly, “Yeah, the uh password is…” 

Tommy stood and interrupted walking back downstairs, “I know the damn password Joel, CubsSux123!” 

Joel chuckled and thought to himself, ‘I need to change that…’ thinking back to when you said you were a Cubs fan. 

—

Tommy messaged Maria on chat quickly and then within 20 minutes they had all left for their destination. 

When they got to the hotel the first thing Joel did after unloading their bags into their room was stand and look at Tommy with his hand on his hip and knee popped out, asking if he had heard from Maria. 

Tommy chuckled, loving seeing his brother like this, obviously crushing hard on you. He hadn’t seen him like this since they were maybe in high school. 

Tommy got a message from Maria: 

‘Thanks for checkin’ in! We have been on a field assignment for the past 6 days. It’s been crazy, we had someone get hit on the first day while going to get supplies, he’s ok for now, but Y/N had to go into a hot area to pull him out. Luckily she called for an air strike to cover her while she carried him back, it was a crazy first day. Things are starting to slow down, we think we might be back at the main camp in a couple of days. I’ll let you know when we get back, we can Skype. xx’ 

Joel must’ve read that message about 20 times, smiling that you were safe but was going to need to talk to you about putting yourself in dangerous situations, he chuckled to himself, ‘Can’t get herself hurt before we get the chance to meet each other…’ he thought to himself as he read. 

He stepped out on the hotel’s balcony while Sarah and Tommy watched ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ while eating some pizza they ordered, holding the picture of you he had taken with from his back pocket, ‘She’s ok. She is safe.’ he mumbled to himself looking down at the photo. 

He had it bad for you and began to regret not asking to Skype in his last letter. All he wanted right now would be to hear your voice, to know in real-time how you were, how your day was, to hold an actual conversation with you. 

God, he wondered how you sounded, how your laugh sounded when you laughed at his jokes that he tried to slide into his writing, he couldn’t wait to hear it. He was counting down the days until he was back home, he hoped by then he would have something from you. 

The next few days for Joel were much needed, especially now that he knew you were ok. It felt like he could breathe again. 

It felt like he was suffocating every time he heard or saw something on the news concerning the war, not knowing where you were or if you were ok. It also didn’t help that he kept it all to himself; self-isolating was something he did in moments of anxiety or depression, and always regretted it afterward. He seems to always forget in those moments that Tommy and Sarah would move heaven and earth for him, they’d always have his back. 

Tommy and Sarah noticed the immediate shift in him, and both discussed when he wasn’t around how nice it was to see him happy about someone. He deserved this after being alone for so long. 

Sarah played in a tournament for most of Friday, playing in a total of 4 games. Joel took pictures on his phone and some videos, cheering loudly for her, he was so proud. Sarah scored 2 goals and helped her team win 2nd place. 

He beamed with pride when her team was awarded a smaller trophy cup than first place, but still pretty big, taking as many photos as he could on his phone. 

She ran over to Tommy and Joel with the trophy “I wanna get a picture with it and also with you and Tommy!” she smiled panting softly, out of breath from running. 

Joel pulled out his phone again, taking a photo of just her, one with her and Tommy, then Sarah took a selfie with the three of them and then Tommy took Joel's phone and took one of just Sarah and Joel smiling and then another of Joel kissing the top of her head while she smiled. 

The three of them went out to dinner and Sarah chose where to go, which was a nearby dinner. They spent time planning their day on the lake tomorrow and then all got back to the hotel room and started to gather their things for the boat tomorrow. 

Tommy sat down on the bed and pulled out his laptop while Joel worked on something work-related on his at the desk. Sarah was in the bathroom taking a shower before they’d all get into bed. 

Tommy saw that Maria had messaged him on Skype: 

‘We will be going back to base camp tomorrow afternoon after we load the medical evac plane, wanna Skype when I get back? xx’ 

“Maria messaged me a few hours ago, and said they are headed back to base camp tomorrow.”

Joel turned in his chair to face Tommy, “Can you do that from the lake?” he asked curiously. 

Tommy chuckled, “No, but they are about 10 hours ahead of us so by the time we are done at the lake and back here, they’ll be just waking up. I’ll let Maria know I’ll Skype her around 10 pm, and let her know we will be on the lake. She said they are usually up at 5 am, so that’s perfect.” he smiled as he typed his reply back. 

He typed back to Maria, ‘Sounds good, thank you for the update. My brother, niece and I are out of town for the weekend, mind if we Skype around 6 am your time, 10 pm mine? We will be on the lake most of the day or I’d do sooner.�� 

“Thanks for all you’ve done Tommy to keep me… sane.” Joel chuckled lightly, turning back around to face his laptop. 

Tommy nodded and smiled at his brother “Anytime.”

—

The three of them spend the better part of the next day on the lake. Swimming, water skiing (or attempting, the only one that could stand up was Sarah), eating, and enjoying the weather. 

Sarah took tons of pictures and some for Joel to send in his next letter to you. 

Joel’s mind kept drifting to you throughout the day, thinking how it might be if you were tagging along with them. His thoughts dared to wonder as to how you’d look in a bathing suit. How it would hug your curves and how irresistible you’d look. 

He took the opportunity while Tommy and Sarah were taking a cat nap on the boat to float in the water and cool off a bit. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the life vest he had on. 

After a little bit, his mind started to drift and he started to imagine holding you against him in the water, having your legs wrap around his torso, arms draped around his shoulders loosely. His hands would slowly and ever so gently explore up and down your body, gripping the soft flesh of your hips as he would devour you, hungrily and passionately, lips crashing over each other, tongues intertwining, both of you starving for each other. 

“Hey, you wanna start cookin’ up dinner with me?” Tommy called out to Joel from the boat. 

Joel’s eyes snapped open and he jumped at hearing Tommy, out of breath from his thoughts. He groaned feeling himself hard against his swim shorts “Fuck…” he moved a hand down to palm himself. 

He shut his eyes and let out a shaky breath, thinking of anything to make this go away, but all his mind did was flood with you, your body, your essence, just making him harder. 

“Joel? You hear me?” Tommy questioned not hearing his brother answer back. 

“I uhm… y-yeah just give me a sec.” Joel let go of himself and started to slowly swim back to the boat, still rock hard. 

Tommy looked down at him, “Need a towel?” he smiled, oblivious to the situation Joel was in.

Joel nodded, trying to keep his cool, “Yeah, yes please.” 

Tommy put a towel on the edge for Joel and then as Tommy turned to walk away, he took his opportunity to quickly get out of the water and wrap the towel around his waist. He took the life vest off and set it down then started to walk towards the small cabin area where there was a tiny bathroom. “I’ll be right back.” he rushed inside and shut the door. 

He undid the towel and looked down at his pants, nothing, no change, cock still straining against his pants, “God damn it, Joel.” he cursed himself. 

He put a hand on the sink and closed his eyes, he felt dirty for what his mind suggested he do to relieve the obvious bulge. 

He shook his head and whispered, “I can’t, no, that’s… no.” he let out a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down. 

He gripped the sink with the other hand and closed his eyes, trying to focus on something else however flashes of you swarmed his vision. Thoughts of you up against this sink, moaning his name as he sunk deep into you, gripping his shoulders and begging for him to keep going. 

He opened his eyes slightly, breathing heavily, and moved his right hand down to untie his trunks and pull his cock out, spitting into his palm he start stroking it, making it as wet as it can. He closes his eyes and whimpers as he keeps a steady rhythm on himself, imagining your legs wrapping around him, his lips feverishly worshiping your soft skin. Making marks on your breasts, neck, shoulders, anything he can touch while gripping his hands tightly around your waist, making you rhythmically stroke and down his cock, gripping him oh so sweetly. He wishes he could taste your lips, how he would drink in every moment he could touch his lips to yours. He would whisper sweet nothings against your lips and into your skin as he prayed to whatever was above to never let this burning desire in his soul for you extinguish. 

He felt his knees give out and a coil begins to tighten deep within. “Fuck me…” he whispered as he knew he was close, he began picking up the pace.

He imagined how you might cum against his cock? Back arched, breasts bouncing, nipples perked, and pressed against his chest? Legs quivering, eyes rolling back, fingers tangled in his hair, jaw slacked while you moaned how good he felt inside your sweet tight pussy?  

That did it. 

He grunted and let out a quiet cry “Oh f-fuck fuck…” as he came harder than he ever had by himself, breath shaky and weak. 

He grunted once more as he was slowing down his hand, he felt a small tug again as another rope of cum shot out from over-sensitivity. 

His legs buckled and he fell to sit on top of the toilet. 

He looked at himself in the mirror, his cheeks were rosy red, looking like he was slightly drunk. All he could was chuckle at himself and cover his face with his left hand, “I’m so fucked…” he admitted. 

He cleaned himself up quickly and ‘flushed’ the toilet, just for added detail that he was ‘using’ the bathroom. He looked back at himself in the mirror before exiting the bathroom and mumbled to himself “I’m such a sick fuck…” he chuckled again and then went to join Tommy to cook. 

The three of them watched fireworks on the lake together. Around 8 pm they packed up and drove back to the hotel. 

By the time they made it back to the hotel, it was just past 9 pm. Sarah fell asleep in the car, Joel carried her inside and put her to bed, tucking her in and kissing her head. 

Tommy sat on the bed and turned the TV on quietly, putting on the sports channel. 

“Hey I’m going to take a shower, you good keeping an eye on Sarah?” 

“Yeah, go ahead, I’ll just be sitting here for a bit.” he smiled his way before turning back to the TV. 

Joel had completely forgotten Tommy was going to Skype Maria so a half hour later when he heard a woman’s voice coming from the room, Joel peeked out from the door, confused with a towel around his waist and hair all crazy from the shower. 

“Yeah, it’s been a crazy week for us! But it was nice to get back when we did, we made it back just in time for the camp’s 4th of July celebration.” Maria said through the computer. 

“Oh, that’s nice! What did you guys have to barbeque there? I remember we did Spam and potatoes one year! Wasn’t so bad…” Tommy chuckled before looking up and seeing Joel peek at him, he mouthed and pointed to the laptop ‘Maria..’

Joel heard Maria laugh softly and then it clicked, he might hear you in the background. He excitedly stumbled to get dressed, knocking things over in the background.

Maria heard what sounded like a bull in a china shop in the background, she stopped mid-sentence, “Is everything ok over there?” she smiled. 

Tommy chuckled knowing exactly why Joel was being so clumsy, but he didn’t want to give anything away to Maria in case Joel didn’t want anyone to know your and his relationship. “Yeah it's just my brother, he’s in the bathroom, he must’ve knocked something over, sorry..” he chuckled. “You were saying?” 

Joel came out with his hair slicked back and a shirt and pajama pants on. He sat at the office chair and opened up his laptop, attempting to eavesdrop without being too noticeable, thinking Tommy had no idea that he had a major fat crush on you.

He heard Maria talk about someone named ‘Z’ and how you and her were going to teach him how to play baseball with a few other boys in the village tomorrow. 

He heard a door open and a kid laughing along with someone else and then a pause, followed by a shocked gasp and then a voice, your voice, “Oh my god! Maria! Have you been Skyping Reginald- I mean Tommy, fuck sorry, and you didn’t tell me!!?” you said at Maria. Joel immediately flipped around towards Tommy. 

Tommy looked up at Joel from the camera. 

Maria had turned a bright shade of red immediately and stood up to shove you back out of the room, “God you are so annoying! Get out!” 

You giggled, pushing back against her, fighting to stay in the room, Z laughing as well trying to help you push against her, “Oh come on, I am delightful Maria! I just wanna say hi!” you waved in the distance to the camera, “Hi Tommy! I’m the lovely, awesome, never annoying at all roommate that I am sure Maria has said soo many good things about!” you giggled and grunted as Maria pushed against you harder, “Good god Maria you are like a fucking linebacker, shit you're strong!” 

Joel smiled brightly hearing your voice, slowly moving to sit on the edge of the bed to listen closer. 

Maria managed to push you out of the doorway, fueled by embarrassment, but before she could close the door, Tommy saw you wave again and shout “I bid you adieu, good sir!” Z yelled as well and waved “Adieu Mr. Tommy!” you let out a loud laugh at Z’s statement, “Good one Z!”

Tommy let out a chuckle, “Bye Y/N and Z, it was nice to meet you!”

Maria shut the door and took a breath then came back over to the screen. “Sorry about that, she’s never going to let me live that down.” she covered her face.

Tommy chuckled, “Didn’t tell her you were Skypin’ me? Ouch…” he teased.

Maria smiled and chuckled “No no, nothing like that! I was waiting til she started to maybe Skype with her guy. Didn’t want to make her feel like she was behind in some way, you know?” she chuckled, “Plus she’s got a major crush on the guy, and I think he has one on her…” she said in lower tone then went back to her normal voice, “I was going to wait for her letter to get back to him, which includes her asking him if he’d want to Skype and it has her info, but that won’t be for maybe another couple of days or so as I’m sure he hasn’t gotten her letter yet as she sent it right before we left for that field assignment.” 

Joel looked at Tommy and Tommy looked at Joel, both frozen by the news Maria just accidentally spilled. Joel turned bright red and smiled so hard his cheeks started to hurt.

Maria noticed the energy shift, “You ok Tommy?” she asked softly. 

Joel signaled for him to keep quiet frantically, using the lips-sealed sign, smiling like a fucking idiot, not to tell her anything, Tommy just smiled and looked back down at Maria on the screen, “Yeah, yeah, sorry I just thought I woke up my niece, but we’re good.” 

Joel got off the bed and paced the room a few times, trying not to make much noise when all he wanted to do was yell and shout for joy. 

You had a major crush on him. Holy fuck, you had a major crush on him. 

Tommy and Maria talked for another 15 minutes before Maria had to go as her shift started soon and she needed to do a few things beforehand like ‘knock you across the head’ for earlier she joked. 

As soon as Tommy closed the laptop Joel whispered in an attempt to not wake Sarah, frantically, “What the fuck man, what the fuck, did I hear that right?” he came over to Tommy who stood up to get ready for bed, smiling at his brother's obvious excitement that a girl liked him just as much as he liked her. 

“You heard her right, Joel.” he chuckled and then hissed as Joel excitedly started punching and slapping his arm. “Fuck Joel calm down!” he moved away from his brother’s over-excitement and smiled at him, he hadn’t seen Joel this happy in a very very long time, and it was all because of you. 

Joel may have woken everyone up at 7 am to leave to get home. 

Joel may have also sped 15 miles over the speed limit and got a ticket trying to get home, praying your letters were in their mailbox. 

Emphasis on the may have, right? No, it all happened and neither Sarah nor Tommy said a damn thing because regardless of the grumpy attitudes they both had from being woken up that early, and the $200 speeding ticket, he was still beaming the whole drive home, even singing along to the radio. Yeah, even Sarah was shocked by that, considering it was her playlist and a good amount of Taylor Swift was on there. 

Joel pulled into the driveway and practically leaped out of the damn truck on his way to the mailbox.

Sarah and Tommy leaned against the truck, arms folded, chuckling together as they watched him. Tommy updated Sarah on the events of last night when Joel ran into a gas station to use the bathroom that they were both were convinced he broke some record by how fast he was in and out. 

He pulled out the pile of mail from the mailbox and immediately sat on the curb to sort through it. 

Sarah laughed “Oh my god, Dad! Come on, get inside and do that, the neighbors will see!” she teased. 

“Shh!” he chuckled and continued to sort, “Bill, bill, bill, coupon, scam, bill, scam, bill, another bill…” Then he saw it, your name, on not one, but two envelopes. He’s never been so damn happy to get mail in his whole goddamn life. 

“Anything Dad?” Sarah asked, starting to walk over, worried nothing was in there as he stopped sorting and was quiet all of a sudden. 

He sprang up from the curb, “Fuckin’ finally!” he yelled and held the letters up in the air. 

Sarah chuckled, “Anything for me?”

Joel looked down at the pile and saw the next envelope was from Sam, he wrote back Sarah. He picked up the rest of the pile under his arm, walked over, and kissed her cheek, “Yeah, Sam wrote ya baby girl.” he handed her the letter. 

She smiled and looked up at him, “Looks like it’s a good mail day, eh Dad?” she took his arm and started to walk inside with him. 

“You bet it is sweet pea.” 

— 

Tommy started making them something for lunch while Joel and Sarah read their letters, knowing they both were too excited and weren’t going to do anything but that for the foreseeable future, but knew they were all going to be hungry. 

Joel opened the letter that felt like something was in it first and smiled at the bracelets you sent, giving Sarah hers and asking Sarah to tie his on for him. 

He smiled reading your postcard, realizing who Z was now, and connected that was whose voice he also heard on the call with Maria. He smiled warmly and softly blushed when you referred to the necklace as having a piece of him. He looked at his wrist that now had the watch Sarah fixed for his last birthday and your two bracelets, it had a reminder of the two most important women in his life. That made his heart soar. 

He then pulled out the letter you sent that had numerous photographs and he couldn’t help his dorky smile as he looked at each one. 

‘She’s so damn beautiful..’ he thought to himself looking at the candid Maria took of you laughing and smiling at Reggie’s joke. He felt his heart beat hard and steady as he looked at each photo. He couldn’t wait to see your face more, and your voice. Now that he knew both, he knew being in your presence - when he would eventually move mountains and heavens to be with you - he would be intoxicated by you. He could never tire of you, he knew he wanted you in his life, for the rest of his life. 

He had convinced himself it was silly when that thought first came into his head last night when he heard your voice, blowing it off to just pure excitement but then here it is again. 

His grandfather always told him that time didn’t always matter, sometimes, when you know, you just know.

He knew it was it with you.  

He hadn’t felt this with anyone else in his lifetime, not even his first love, Sarah’s mom, it was never this strong, this… simple.

Sarah looked up from her letter and watched him for a moment, she smiled, her dad finally was going to be happy, she knew that for certain now, that was a comfort no one could give her so easily, but you did. 

She stood up from the table and came over and kissed her dad on the head softly, “I’m going to go take a shower because someone ran us out of the hotel this morning…” she gently nudged her dad chuckling. 

He looked at her and smiled, “Ok baby girl…” and that's when she saw it in his eyes, he was utterly and completely happy. 

“I’m happy you’re happy Dad. I know you make her happy too.” she softly said before walking upstairs to the bathroom. 

He smiled warmly and watched her walk away, out of the corner of his eye he saw Tommy smirking. “Oh, brother you got it bad.” Tommy teased. 

Normally Joel would say some smart-ass comment back but right now, he just couldn’t care, he did have it bad. 

He smiled and nodded, “Yes I do, little brother, yes I do.” he looked back down and pulled out your letter to read. He heard Tommy chuckle and then he put a plate next to Joel with some toast, spread with smashed avocado, and spicy scrambled eggs on top with some hot sauce. 

“I’ll put Sarah’s up in her room and then head out. Tell Y/N I said hello again.” he winked before heading up to Sarah’s room to drop off her food and then leave. 

Joel just chuckled at Tommy’s last sentence and ate as he read your letter slowly.

He couldn’t wait to get more pictures from you either, he was looking forward to multiple full disposable cameras to process and look through. 

He admired how you empathized with his struggles and pain in regard to Sarah’s mom without being too negative about the experience or not calling her a name or saying something awful. She isn’t Joel’s favorite person, but he’ll always respect her as Sarah’s mother and he could tell you felt the same.  

He smiled and warmly read over your kind words about his granddad. He thought, ‘He would have loved you. You’re just like my grandma and mom in a lot of ways, and that’s what he said I always needed, a ‘mujer fuerte e independiente’, strong independent woman.’ 

He chuckled lightly at the reason for your nickname ‘Cricket’, he thought to himself that he couldn’t wait to hopefully see one day when you and he were in bed together after a long day and you do that little thing with your legs. He’d cherish and adore it, always. 

He teared up a little when you brought up doing a road trip with Sarah. You always included her in the conversation, hell you made those bracelets and even made her a pair. She was never an afterthought for you, she was continuously included. That’s all he wanted in a partner, someone to not only love and support him but her as well. 

He loved your suggestion of a butterfly for the rocking chair and made a mental note to talk to you more about it and get your opinion on what kind of butterfly and how to position it, he wanted to know your opinion of everything it felt like. He loved having someone to turn to like that, he missed having it for so long. 

He beamed at the last paragraph where you asked about Skyping, he looked at the time, ‘4:13 pm’, and then did the math in his head, ‘Shit, it's like 2 am where she is.’ Then he remembered Tommy said that you and Maria get up around 5 am. 

He got up from the table and ran upstairs to get his laptop and charger, bringing it back downstairs to the table. 

He luckily still had Skype installed from when Tommy was deployed or he would have had to ask Sarah how the hell to reinstall it. 

He clicked the icon and then looked at your email on the letter and typed it in, ‘Status: Offline’ he read by your name and picture, in which you had a picture of you most likely before the army, you had your hair down and it looked like it was a selfie, Joel instantly snapped a photocopy of it on his phone shyly. 

He typed in the chat section, ‘Morning sweetheart, got your letters, would now be a good time for us to Skype? 🙂’ then clicked send. 

He took a deep breath and then walked away from the table, starting to clean up the dishes that Tommy had left in the sink, start the laundry with all the dirty clothes from the weekend, and then started gathering stuff to make dinner when he heard a ‘Ding!’ from his laptop. 

He looked at the time, “It’s only been an hour, it can’t be…” he said to himself, confused. 

He continued to gather ingredients for dinner, brushing it off as a figment of his imagination.

He heard a second ding and perked up, dropping the bag of noodles he had in his hand and ran into the counter, hitting his knee, in the process of rushing back over to the table “Ow fuck…” 

He waved the mouse around to wake up the screen when he saw: 

Y/N: Evenin’ cowboy❣️

Y/N: Been going mad waiting for you to get my letters. Of course, it’s a good time! 😀

He grinned, bit his bottom lip, grabbed his laptop and charging cord, and ran upstairs into his bedroom, abandoning his plans to make dinner, he’d tell Sarah to order takeout. As if you saw he was online, he saw ‘Incoming call…’ across his screen with your picture. He jumped on the bed and then laid the laptop down in his lap, clicking ‘Accept.’ 

Previous chapter - Next chapter

A/N: ahhh i am so very sorry for this cliffhanger, ok maybe not, gotta keep you on your toes hahaha !! thank you so much for reading, i literally poured my heart and soul into this chapter and so far, it’s my favorite (don’t tell the other chapters I said that). please don’t forget to like, reblog, comment, and share with fellow pedro/joel lovers! luv you all! <3

Taglist: @sarahhxx03, @blahkateisdone, @sunnytuliptime, @pedroscurls

[antinousletmehit]

˚₊‧꒰ა Chapter 7 ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

୨୧┇Pairing: Telemachus x fem!reader

୨୧┇note: this one’s also kinda short

────୨ৎ──── ────୨ৎ──── ───

Y/N moved swiftly through the dark, narrow passageways, her bare feet barely making a sound on the cold stone floor. She muttered to herself as she went, swatting at cobwebs that clung stubbornly to her hair and clothes. “He’s so dramatic,” she grumbled, brushing off a spider that had found its way onto her shoulder. “It was just a stupid figurine. It’s not like I burned the whole palace down.” The image of Telemachus’s furious face flashed in her mind, and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “Honestly, calling me a maneater. As if I’m the one stomping around like a cornered animal. Little wolf indeed.”

She ducked under a low hanging beam, wincing as her tunic caught on a protruding nail. “And what’s with all the yelling?” she continued, tugging herself free. “I swear, I’ve met warriors on the battlefield with less of a temper. Maybe if he didn’t bottle everything up, he wouldn’t explode every time someone so much as looks at him sideways.”

A faint draft of air signaled she was nearing her own room’s hidden entrance. She sighed in relief, eager to be free of the suffocating darkness. “He should really thank me,” she mused aloud, her voice echoing slightly in the empty corridor. “That little tantrum was probably the most exciting thing that’s happened to him in months.”

She reached the trapdoor that led to her room and pushed it open, stepping into the dimly lit space. Closing the door behind her, Y/n dusted off her hands and plopped onto her bed with a groan.

“Over a stupid ship,” she muttered, flopping onto her back and staring at the ceiling. “What’s next? He’s going to cry if I so much as breathe near his quill collection?” She stretched her arms above her head, a smirk returning to her lips. “Still, it was kind of cute, in a way. All that righteous indignation. I should call him a little lamb next time, see how he likes that.”

Her thoughts lingered on Telemachus’s anger, the way his voice had cracked as he shouted at her. For a moment, something like guilt flickered in her chest, but she quickly pushed it aside.

“He’ll get over it,” she said to herself, closing her eyes. “They always do.”

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

The night was unusually quiet, save for the faint creaks of the old palace and the distant sound of waves brushing against the shore. Y/N lay on her bed, staring at the wooden beams above her, but no matter how much she shifted, sleep wouldn’t come. With a frustrated sigh, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood. The air was cool against her skin as she padded barefoot to her door, deciding that a walk might clear her restless thoughts.

The halls were dimly lit by flickering torches, casting long, dancing shadows along the walls. Y/N moved with practiced ease, her footsteps soft on the stone floor. She wasn’t entirely sure where she was going, just letting her instincts guide her through the familiar twists and turns of the palace.

As she approached the main hall, she heard voices. Familiar ones. Her pace slowed, and she stepped lightly, keeping to the shadows.

Antinous’s booming laugh echoed through the corridor. “You’re dreaming! Eurymachus, little N/N? And Telemachus? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all week!”

Y/n’s brow furrowed. She leaned closer, staying just out of sight as Eurymachus’s voice, smoother and quieter, replied. “Is it, though? Have you seen the way she needles him? She’s practically carved herself into his head. That kind of attention has a way of turning into… other things.”

Antinous scoffed. “Please. Y/N likes to mess with people, that’s all. She’s been like that since we were little kids. Telemachus is no different, he’s just another toy to her.”

“But what if he’s not?” Eurymachus pressed, his tone more serious now. “You never know, Antinous. Telemachus might surprise you. And if he manages to catch her heart, well…that could be a problem for us.” Y/N stiffened, her heart skipping a beat. She wanted to burst in and demand to know what they were talking about, but her curiosity held her back.

Antinous let out another laugh, though there was a sharpness to it this time. “Telemachus? Catch Y/N’s heart? You’re giving him way too much credit. She’s out of his league, and she knows it.”

“Maybe,” Eurymachus said thoughtfully. “But emotions are tricky. Sometimes, the people you least expect to fall for each other do. And you should be careful, Antinous. If Telemachus got her on his side, she could become a real thorn in ours.”

Antinous grunted. “Let me worry about Y/N. She’s my sister, not some wild card. Besides, she’d never take that boy seriously. He’s all bark and no bite.”

“I wouldn’t underestimate him,” Eurymachus added. “And I wouldn’t underestimate her, either. Y/N unpredictable, and unpredictability can be dangerous.”

Antinous chuckled darkly. “Dangerous? Please. The only danger Y/N causes is to my patience.”

Y/N decided she’d heard enough. Turning on her heel, she stalked back the way she came, her mind racing. “Catch my heart?” she muttered under her breath, her lips curling into a sly smile. “As if.”

But as she climbed the stairs back to her room, a small part of her couldn’t shake the idea. What if they’re right? What if I am getting too… entangled? She shook her head, dismissing the thought. “They’re just overthinking things,” she said to herself. “Per usual.”

Still, as she slipped back into her room and climbed into bed, the conversation lingered in her mind longer than she cared to admit.

[sasheemo]

✨ not so smol general update ✨

Hi witches, I just wanted to pop in and take a moment to apologize for a couple of things: my ridiculously slow update schedule, the delay in replying to comments (both here on Tumblr and on AO3), and all the messages and requests sitting unanswered in my inbox.

I promise I’m not ignoring anyone, and I’m really sorry if it feels that way. The support I’ve received over the past few weeks has been incredible—way beyond anything I ever expected—and I appreciate it so fucking much.

That said, life’s been a bit of a mess lately. I just wrapped up my long-standing job and started transitioning into a new one that’s basically the polar opposite. On top of that, the holiday season has hit me like a ton of bricks—it’s always the hardest, saddest, and most draining time of year for me. Long story short, I haven’t exactly been at my best recently.

Oh, and let’s throw a creative slump into the mix, because why not? Writing’s been rough lately, and I think it’s just reflecting how I’m feeling overall. I also got an anon msg today asking for updates on When We Collide, so I’ll reply on that specific fic soon.

I just wanted to say sorry, let you know that I’m working on getting back on track, and remind you that I see you. I see all of you. Every like, every message, every repost, kudos, comment, subscription, and bookmark. And honestly, those little things have been some of the brightest spots in my days recently.

To try and shake off this creative block, I did manage to write a one-shot this past week, which I’ll be posting tomorrow— just FYI!

Thanks for sticking with me, you’re all amazing 💜

[distinctlywhumpthing]

It's Never Too Late for Christmas

Alright, look. This might be the fluffiest thing I have ever written. It's barely 1000 words so don't anyone come for me saying I've gone soft. Probably takes place a few weeks after First Night Home. Due credit to @deluxewhump's Wishbone for getting me thinking of the smell of Home. Wow, see what I did there: Full circle.

Previous — Masterlist — Next

“Merry Christmas!” Leo says, immediately wanting to dial it back. He holds out the repurposed brown grocery bag between them. 

Aiden looks down, one arm crossing over his torso. “But...mmm’it’s not…” 

Definitely too much enthusiasm. 

Leo lowers the bag. “Right, yeah. I just thought—well, we only missed it by a few weeks…you know back when we met. I mean… It seemed like…” 

Why had this seemed like a good idea again? 

“It’s nothing big,” he tries but Aiden won’t look at him. Like Aiden’s the one who misstepped instead of vice versa. The kid grips his own arm like it’s a lifeline, fingertips digging into his flesh. Never mind that he’s wearing just a t-shirt in late February. Even with the heat a few degrees warmer than he used to keep it, Leo has to bite his tongue to not ask if he wants a sweatshirt. He tries to limit his questions to the ten thousand a day he can’t avoid. 

“I didn’t even wrap it really,” Leo rushes to say. “It’s never too late for Christmas. ‘Honour it in your heart and try to keep it all the year’, you know—” God, stop talking. “‘Live in the Past, the Present, and the Future’—”

Well, at least he got the kid’s attention. Albeit paired with a confused and I’m-embarrassed-for-you grimace. 

“Please, just take it. Put me out of my misery.” 

Aiden takes a half step back but he does. 

Because Leo told him to. Fuck, this was a terrible idea.  

He holds the bag from the bottom with both hands, as gingerly as if something might be alive in there. His eyes flash up to Leo’s before he reaches inside. He opens his mouth once, twice, like he’s trying to say something, but doesn’t. Instead, he looks to Leo for permission again. 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead,” he says absently, still stuck on what Aiden stopped himself from saying. 

The way the kid reaches into the bag with all the gusto of sticking his hand into a live fire hollows Leo’s chest. Once his fingers meet fabric instead of whatever horrors he’s expecting, Aiden pulls the bundle out with a little more conviction. 

Leo relieves him of the bag, fingers unconsciously creasing it back up along all the seams, as he watches Aiden unfold the jacket. For the past few weeks, he’s lent Aiden his Carhartt and carried rather than worn an embarrassingly retro ski parka. 

“I—” He looks at Leo, something between disbelief and awe in his face. 

“Try it on—I mean, you can try it on if you want to,” he revises. 

He threads a skinny arm through the first sleeve. 

Leo reaches around to hold the jacket so he can reach the other. “It’s the same size as mine…so you can wear more layers while it’s cold.” 

Aiden fingers the ends of the sleeves. “Thank…you...” 

“The color suits you,” Leo blurts, caught off guard by the shy smile Aiden’s trying to hide while inspecting the coat. A total one-eighty he hopes isn’t just Aiden placating him. 

–––

“Aiden? Are you ready?” Leo calls up the stairs as he heads to the door to get his shoes on. “We need to leave in two minutes if we’re going to—” 

He’s already there. 

Standing by the door with the Converse pulled on, the laces tucked inside, and wearing Leo’s jacket. He bites his lips together as he pulls the zipper up, slow enough for Leo to stop him. When he reaches the top without interruption, he lets his gaze slide over to the new navy jacket, still hanging from its hook, and back to Leo. 

He lets out the laugh he’s been holding in and pulls on the coat. “I knew there was a reason I got this in my size.” 

“Color…mmm’s-s-suits…you,” Aiden says, tucking his chin into the soft collar of the old brown jacket, hiding what Leo is sure is a grin. 

Leo scoops him into a hug. “You’ve been plotting this from the beginning, haven’t you?” He swings them side to side a little, the gentlest roughhousing. Aiden shakes his head against Leo’s chest, he’s laughing now but trying to hide it. “This is absolutely not going to work when I buy you workboots. We are not the same size.” 

Aiden’s reply is muffled so Leo pulls back just far enough for him to lift his head. “Layers,” he repeats, barely able to get it out before he’s shaking with laughter again, pressing his face into Leo’s shoulder.  

“You’re incorrigible.” Before he can overthink it, he presses a chaste kiss to the crown of his head. He smells like home. His home. H— 

Leo backpedals against the possessiveness before he even completes the thought. 

But the part of him that spent countless nights wondering if he’d wake up to an empty house finds it profoundly comforting. The evidence that on the basest, organic level Aiden belongs to this home. Has been engrained in its rhythms and smells. The fabric softener from the sheets he tangles up every night, the lavender shower gel he picked out himself, toothpaste from brushing his teeth after the breakfast they cooked together. 

And not least of all, Leo himself. Wrapped up in his arms and wearing his old jacket. 

Home. 

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@octopus-reactivated @maracujatangerine @nicolepascaline @whumpy-writings @cracked-porcelain-princess

@meetmeinhellcroutons @briars7 @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @jo-doe-seeking-inspo @neuro-whump

@painsandconfusion @wolfeyedwitch @skyhawkwolf @haro-whumps @onlybadendings

@peachy-panic @fillthedarkvoid @rabass @crystalquartzwhump @dont-touch-my-soup

@mylifeisonthebookshelf @hold-him-down @guachipongo @creetchure @leyswhumpdump

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@whumpinthepot @dustypinetree @whump-in-progress @pirefyrelight @whumps-and-bumps

@i-eat-worlds @hellodecisionparalysis @heartfullofhoney @alternateminds @taterswhump

[bakuliwrites]

Slowly making progress :) Might open my inbox for some drawing prompts, just to get some sketching practice while I’m still working on this. Stay tuned!

Some Julian sketches (and some outlining) for WIP Wednesday this week!

[idontmindifuforgetme]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i’m seeing relatives in a few days and they have a tendency to ask if i’ve made any new friends because i’ve moved to a new city but also i’m bad at socialising in general and i’m trying to figure out how to tell them that my best friend in the new city is a cat

[paging-possum]

Guys pro tip don’t burn urself out because recovering from burning yourself out sucks so bad

[what-even-is-thiss]

The reason people don’t want to work is that it’s just normal for them to be in bad work environments.

My issue with working at Walmart wasn’t the work itself I was doing. It was the circumstances around it. The concrete floor, lack of places to sit, having to put up with asshole customers, not getting time off for injuries, and bad pay.

If I had been given shock pads to stand on or a few chairs to rest on sometimes, if they paid me a livable amount of money and I was allowed to yell back at asshole customers, if they had given me any amount of training, I would happily work part time folding clothes all day and telling people where the swimsuit section is.

I’m a creative type. I’m a writer. I’m pretty smart, even. But if I could make a living folding shirts and listening to podcasts in one ear and helping people find the scented candles for 30 hours a week? I would. Leaves some mental space free for me to brainstorm. Lets me catch up on my reading with audiobooks.

But instead I was treated so badly by upper management and customers that I’m like legitimately a little frightened whenever I step into a Walmart now. And I only worked there for three months a few years ago.

I’m a good lower level worker. When I’m treated well. I like finishing tasks. I like being helpful. I like having some time to talk to coworkers and some time alone with my thoughts. I’m a frickin team player. And that’s how I was at my first job. I was treated well by my supervisor. I was trained. They were patient with me. I was so good at being low on the totem pole at that job because I was valued and felt like I was being listened to. I was able to sit still when there was nothing left to do which made it feel less bad when we were on a time crunch. I didn’t mind working hard at that job because it was fun even though I was doing all the low level stuff that the supervisors didn’t want do.

But at Walmart I was like that for all of two days. Then I figured out that nobody appreciated my work and if I worked in my normal people pleasing manner I’d kill myself because their standards were high and the rewards for meeting them were low.

So I slowed down. I started avoiding customers. I started taking a lot longer to get to my breaks and to come back from them. I became worse at my job because no matter how good I was at it there would be no reward, no appreciation, and I’d just be pushed further beyond my limits.

My only level of happiness from that job came from the people who were working with me. The old ladies and my department manager who made sure I wasn’t overextending myself. The one other young man working in the clothing department who always got sent with me to unload the heavy stuff and commiserated with me about the shoulder injuries, the hurting feet we were too young to have.

But none of that was enough to make me stay. We were constantly understaffed. I was constantly abused by customers and not able to do a thing about it. I was not paid much at all. So as soon as I had enough saved up for what I was trying to do and my last semester of college was about to start I handed in my two weeks.

I would have found a way to stay if I liked that job. If I liked that job I would’ve pushed myself to my mental limits to finish college and keep that job at the same time. Heck that job could’ve been a rest from college. A place to get away from it. But I hate that job so I got out as soon as I could.

I want to work. I want enough money to live sort of comfortably. I want to have some tasks to do to give my creativity a rest. I want to be a part of something. But the way that modern corporate run work environments are set up does not give me any of the things I actually want out of a job. And I think that’s the same for millions of people right now. A lot of people would happily spend their lives as a waitress or an Uber driver or a warehouse worker or a farmhand or any other “low skill” job you can possibly think of. But with the way the world works right now those jobs are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know because I’ve had a fulfilling part time minimum wage job that I looked forward to going to every week. A job where I was listened to and allowed to sit when I needed to. I miss that job. Especially now since I’ve realized that’s not the standard. It should be. People should look forward to going to work or at the very least not get mild ptsd whenever they set foot into a Walmart.

[feelgoodinct]

nsfw, mdni.

simon becomes an absolute dog when he sees you in his shirt.

cw: possessive simon, sex on carpet (ouch), unprotected p in v, creampie, size kink (?).

simon is a good roommate. he’s organized, clean, pays rent on time, and minds his own space. the only thing is—roommate is hot. stupidly hot. you know he doesn’t have a girlfriend and he’s never once brought back a girl let alone mentioned one. you figured your little crush on him would pass like all the other (it does not). you start dropping hints that you find him attractive. like wearing your tightest tops, brushing your ass against him while reaching for a cup, even leaving one of your lacy thongs to mix in with his laundry. he never bites the bait. you start to think that maybe he just doesn’t find you attractive or even worse he finds you creepy. so you tuck your schoolgirl crush away into the cavity of your chest.

you close the washer with your hip, cradling your laundry basket back to your room. you hear the familiar turn of your front door lock letting you know simon is home from his morning gym session.

you pad into the living room to ask simon if he needed any clothes washed. simons back is turned from you when he begins to slip off his trainers, dropping his gym at the foot of the door.

“need any clothes washed? i’m starting a load up right now.” you ask eyeing the movement of back muscle underneath his compression shirt.

he finally turns to you and starts to respond “nah don’t think-“ before he snaps his mouth shut when he sees what you’re wearing. “that mine?” his voice gruff, it’s his army issued shirt that is long enough to cover your shorts. a deep green color that frays at the hem and has his last name in bold at the back of it. you notice he’s staring at the worn fabric waiting for an answer.

you look down, “oh yeah. sorry was doing laundry found this in hamper. my clothes are in the wash. hope that’s okay?” you sound apologetic like you just did something unforgivable. jesus christ what were you thinking wearing his shirt without asking. you shift trying to ease your embarrassment.

he’s on you in three short strides. making a noise between a growl and snarl. you don’t know how or when you both ended up on the living room floor. frankly, it’s the last thing on your fucking mind now that you’re on your knees cheek pressing into the shag carpet. you can feel the heat of his stare between your legs. you get a glimpse of your shorts and panties strewn across the floor leaving you in his shirt. you wait with bated breath for him to touch you. you wiggle your hips in a silent plead to get him to do something, anything…everything.

he gives the flesh of your ass a heavy smack that has you clenching around nothing. “be good now.” is all you hear before the sting leaves an angry red mark that you know is gonna leave you wincing for the next week. simon smooths a hand over the back of your (his) shirt making a noise in the back of his throat.

you hear shuffling behind you before you feel the head of him catch on to your opening making your mouth gape like a fish out of water. he groans at the contact, kneading the fat of your hips, before he presses in painfully slow with a hiss. you whimper into the carpet, fists balling, feeling hot all over. your cunt pulses trying to make room for him inside your womb.

“i know. i know, pretty girl. almost there.” simon bites back a hiss when you clench at his words. you think you might die like this. laid out on ugly apartment carpet trying to take simon’s cock. you could cry with relief when you feel simon’s balls meet your clit letting you know he’s all the way in. simon lets out a guttural sound bordering on animalistic at the sight of you speared open on his cock, last name across your back, absolutely crying for it.

he fists the bottom of the shirt to keep you still and eases his hips back just to sink back in slowly. the pressure in your navel hurts so good it’s starting to make you dizzy. simon sets a pace that has you trying to cant your hips back to meet his thrusts. he lays a heavy palm in the middle of your back, just under the boldened ‘RILEY’, keeping you pinned giving you no choice but to take what he gives you.

“prettiest fuckin girl i ever seen. gonna give this cunt the proper treatment she deserves, yeah?” he bends his left leg, somehow sliding in deeper. there’s no doubt that you can feel him in your lungs. “s’deep simon.” you slur, reaching a hand back to weakly press against his stomach. he chuckles at the act taking both wrists into one of his hands pressing them at the small of your back, forcing you into a deeper arch. you sob at the change in angle. your nipples being rubbed raw by the friction of his thrusts.

“needed this real bad, huh? don’t worry baby. i’ll make sure you don’t go without it again. wearing those tiny tops think i didn’t notice.” his voice rough and deep behind you. “uh huh.” you reply without a second thought, you don’t even care that you’ve been drooling into the carpet or that you’ve been caught. simon gives a deep chuckle at how pliant you’ve become just from some good dick.

he knows your close by the increasing volume of your sounds. he never lets up his pace determined to give you his all. “where?” he asks in a quick breathe. you take a few seconds to register his words. “huh?” you manage to squeak out. “where do you want me, pretty thing?” he says in an almost pained voice. the gears turn in your head before you speak up “inside. want it inside. m’clean. pill.” resorting to short clipped words. you beg, as if you have to, simon thinks.

your orgasm comes hard and fast leaving you sobbing out garbled version of please and simon. simon is not far behind burying himself as deep as your bodies will allow and comes inside with a pinched “oh fuck.” he pulls out with a pop and watches his spend leak down your slit leaving a small puddle on the floor that he knows he’ll have to scrub out later.

simon pats your backside affectionately. “don’t think we’ll be doing any laundry today” he says with a grin that makes you giggle. “yeah, don’t think so.”