#I’m good with horses though. it’s like anxiety disorder to anxiety disorder communication | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

midearthwritings · 4 years ago

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Could I please get an Lotr and The Hobbit Matchup, of you're still doing them? Thanks so much!

🌱 18 year old Woman // Bisexual // Autistic and Disabled with a bonus Anxiety Disorder

🌱 I have a litany of Chronic Illnesses including Autism, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Dyscalculia (Dyslexia for Math), Scoliosis, Sleep Apnea, Asthma, a Growth Hormone Deficiency, Insomnia, and a very bad Overbite. I also have a condition where my right leg is physically longer than my left, which causes pain in my hip and right leg, as well as trouble walking. My usual symptoms include Fatigue, Back Pain, Executive Dysfunction (struggle to get tasks done), Difficulty breathing and talking, Very short stature, and difficulties with my balance. I also stim by pacing around in circles and talking to myself.

🌱 I have a serious fear of heights, partially because of my balance issues. It's so bad that I can't even use stairs without holding onto the railing.

🌱 I know a lot of Home Remedies and Superstitions for like no reason. For instance, did you know that Raspberry Tea helps with Menstrual Pain, or that knocking on wood invokes the protection of the tree spirit and that’s why it’s said to give you luck? I don’t know why I know that, but I do.

🌱 Winning a fight is on my bucket list, but it has to be for a good reason. I’m not one to just pick fights for the sake of fighting, and I’m actually pretty conflict-averse due to trauma, so I need to actually have a solid reason for throwing hands. But I’ve always wanted to do it for some reason.

🌱 I really like studying Witchcraft for some reason. The first spell I ever performed was a Healing Spell to help my friend who was sick with Crohn's Disease. Thirty minutes after performing the ritual, I got a text saying he felt a lot better and he was released from the hospital a couple days later, so I guess it must’ve worked. 😁

🌱 My love language is definitely gift giving. I’m pretty cheap, but I’m also an artist, so when push comes to shove I’ll just make something for someone when I like them. I pay very close attention to what people like because it gives me more ideas on how to interact with them. I’m essentially a large, flightless Crow. You were nice, so you get something shiny. But though I like giving gifts to others, I’m not very materialistic at all. I prefer to be practical when it comes to things, and I get very nervous when spending money on myself.

🌱 I’m an avid writer and am actually planning on publishing a book this summer!

🌱 I LOVE going outside and getting messy. Playing in the mud, getting soaked in the rain, I’m the type to go outside and come back home covered in dirt and twigs. It’s just really fun to me.

🌱 I've been told that I'm a very good cook, and I can bake pretty well too.

🌱 I’ve always wanted to be a really good gardener. My dream house is just covered in flowers and plants and such. I want to live in a Greenhouse, basically.

🌱 I have a habit of giggling to myself just by remembering something funny that happened, even if it was a couple years ago. I also laugh when I do something stupid, because I find my flaws and shortcomings funny for the most part. I love to laugh with people, but never at them.

🌱 I know way too much about Spirits and Fae. My favorite book is called ‘The Encyclopedia of Spirits’ and it shows you how to contact and interact with a ton of different deities and spirits, and I’m addicted to reading it. It’s the best.

🌱 I’m basically like a tiny, less-impressive Aragorn. I love travelling on foot, getting messy outside, I was kind of a Horse Girl as a kid ngl, I’ve always wanted to be a knight or king of some sort, chances are that I haven’t bathed in awhile, and I too would pine for a hot elf girl for literal years on end.

🌱 My closest friends say I give off “Dwobbit” vibes. That’s a ½ Dwarf and ½ Hobbit btw. I’m around 4’ 10” tall, I don’t shave, I love crafting and art, I live in the Mountains, I’m tomboyish but I also love gardening and can be a bit of a homebody, I love going barefoot, etc.

🌱 I really love History, Folklore, Mythology and Fairy Tales. My favorite is the Irish myth of Oisín in Tir Na Nog. Look it up if you don’t know it, it’s a fantastic story. But I also appreciate myths from all sorts of different cultures, like the myth of Annapurna in India or the tale of Princess Kaguya in Japan.

🌱 I’m an Aquarius, INFP and 4w5 if that means anything. For reference, characters who are also 4w5 INFPs include Lydia Deetz (Beetlejuice), Wirt (Otgw), Frankenstein’s Monster, Luna Lovegood (HP), Napstablook (Undertale), Erik The Phantom of the Opera, and Celeste from Animal Crossing. That kinda tells you a lot about me, doesn’t it?

🌱 I am naturally very shy and take awhile to open up to people. I also get flustered very easily and tend to avoid social interaction a lot. I’m a huge introvert, but I also really do love meeting interesting people, so I try to talk to them when I have the energy to.

🌱 I have very long Disheveled brown hair, that actually used to be blonde when I was little, so there’s a few lighter patches in there. It's essentially a fluffy mane at this point, but because of my poor hand-eye coordination I never learned how to braid it. I have really pale skin, with lots of moles, freckles and scabs. It’s also warmer out, so I almost certainly have a farmer’s tan. I have very light blue eyes and glasses.

🌱 I have a habit of seeing shadows move out of the corners of my eyes, frequently mistaking them for people or animals, but when I turn to look there’s nothing there. I’ve gotten my eyesight checked multiple times, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary, so it’s either a lack of sleep, or the Fae are getting antsy with me. Probably the former of course, but part of me would like to believe the latter too.

Sorry the description is so long, I can't wait to see my results! Thanks so much, wishing you the best!!

Hey darling! First, wow that was really long! Sorry for taking so long to make it, as I mentioned before, I'm a fucking procrastinator.

Aragorn

For LOTR, I'm pairing you up with Aragorn.

Aragorn had probably loved you for a really really long time.

But he's extremely patient and careful with you, so it took him a while to confess his love.

When he did, it was kind of overwhelming for you, and you were really doubting the whole thing. But again, he was really patient with you.

Aragorn doesn't cover you in gifts to show his love. He shows it by remembering all those little things that make you you.

The two of you can spend hours telling stories and tales to the other. It's your favorite thing to do together.

He loves that you write and always ask to read your work. Although, he never pushes you and respects you when you refuse.

He knows about every single one of your illnesses and makes sure that you always have what you need.

Bilbo Baggins

For the Hobbit, I picked Bilbo.

Bilbo loves you deeply and truly. He thinks all the things that are annoying to others are what make you the most unique being he has ever met.

He thinks listening to you tell tales is more fascinating than reading.

Most of all, he loves when you read to him the stories that you have created.

Sometimes, your illnesses are a bit complicated for him to understand, but he does his best and listens to your needs.

His favorite thing to do with you is cooking. Sometimes, you will even compete over who is the best cook. Although he admitted more than once that you were.

When you are out gardening, he sits outside with you and watches you. He thinks it's beautiful how hard you work to make his garden look so gorgeous.

He is often insecure about losing you. He is scared that he won't be able to provide you with what you need, or won't be able to show you how much he loves you.

As for you, you fear that one day he might grow tired of you.

But the communication in your relationship is great and your insecurities are even washed away by promises of eternal love.

Again, sorry for the wait! I hope you liked it!

#max matchmaker #aragorn #bilbo baggins

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dangan-happy · 4 years ago

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Password: No offense, but you're looking really good today.

Character: I had a few characters in mind, but I would like Makoto please! :)

I feel like this’ll be one of the less depressing asks you guys seem to get, but I feel somewhat overwhelmed by college stuff. My major is communications, so there’s a lot of challenging multimedia and business-related stuff, like my Social Media class. My professor wants us to create 15 pieces of original content, and I’ve made significant progress and she’s impressed with what I’ve created so far, but I feel like it still isn’t enough. I really need to pass this class to ease the transferring process so I don’t have to have this teacher again. She’s a nice person, but she has some very confusing lectures on top of relatively strict guidelines.

And then there’s my Cultural Diversity paper...I can’t bring myself to focus on it for very long because my topic (Intellectual Development Disorder) is very complex and the mass research I’ve collected is a lot to break down into a 5-7 page paper. I want to get it submitted for the optional draft submission due on the 4th but I’m still in the beginning of the history.

What do you think? It’s probably just my perfectionism and anxiety driving me insane, but I’d like to hear someone else’s advice for once. I’m always giving advice and never receiving—it’d be a nice change for once. Thanks, hugs! :)

Hm, well if you want my honest opinion there anonymous, perfection isn't really a thing you can achieve. I understand desiring to achieve it though.. Well, unless you’ve got a high horse like Byakuya...then, in that case, I suppose perfection is something you absolutely need to be.

This does seem like a lot, I understand that, but I think you should also take it at your own pace. Believe me, I know you want to get it done before the due date and finish it as soon as possible so you don’t need to stress about it any longer than you need to.. But I really think taking your time should be the most important thing here.

Stress can develop if you decide to rush it or if you leave it for a few days, you know what I’m trying to get at, right? I hope so, usually, an average guy like myself can barely make any sense.. There’s nothing wrong with perfectionism or anxiety, I promise that the way you feel is completely valid. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself ok? Drink plenty of water, get the rest you deserve, and eat frequent meals. I’ll be rooting for you, I have all the hope in the world that you’ll do just fine.. Hope keeps on going! Even for you!

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #makoto naegi #mod rockstar

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dcnativegal · 5 years ago

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Day 55 of Pandemic, & I’m sick

Monday, May 4, 2020. Day 55 of the global pandemic (declared by World Health Organization on March 11th.) We as a planet hit 3,500,000 cases today, and 250,000 deaths. There are many more than that, but the planet doesn’t have enough tests. But then, there was this announcement:

So obviously we’re in good hands. [Sarcasm alert.]

The entire planet has slowed down, such that seismologists can detect the quieting of the earth: less shuddering of industry, cars, construction. Check out the drop in electricity usage:

Here’s a bit of perspective from Instagram:

The Lesbians of Paisley have been fertile ground for viruses. Valerie is nearly recovered from the viral pneumonia she was diagnosed with on March 26 at the emergency room at Lake District Hospital. She’d begun to feel feverish and achy, with violent coughing on March 15th, 2 days after what turned into my last day in my office at the hospital’s primary care clinic, and a day and a half after we’d dined with our friends Toni, Al, Bonnie and Bruce in person, sans masks. We began 100% isolation from the outside world the minute she felt sick. She recounted the ER adventure to a friend thusly: We drove in and they have organized a system that resembles getting on a [military] base after 9-11. We sat in the pickup at the checkpoint until a somebody in protective attire had taken my temp and saturation levels and asked a bunch of questions. Then they slapped a red sticker on the dash, told us to park in the ER lot and "don't get out of the pickup." Five hours later I had donated blood and been CAT scanned. I had two pneumonia shots that were current and two flu shots, also current. They checked the blood against 14 different virus strains and came up blank. The chest showed white lungs and my saturation levels were iffy. So they used one of the tests they had been sent, gave me antibiotics (just in case) and sent me home. Took me three days to sleep off all that fun.”

Me and Griffey the poodle waited in the pickup for her. At every sound, he got up from the passenger’s seat and looked at the ER entrance where she’d disappeared. No Valerie? Back to sleep. I walked him 3 times. Hope, her RN daughter, told us that her flow through the ER was great practice in maintaining distance and perfect hygienic process through the CT scan, taking blood, even pushing her food on a tray to her. Lake Health District Hospital is prepared, and still, technically speaking, zero cases in the county.

I was so anxious about her health, her ability to breathe, that I gave up all thought of working from home. I listened to her breathing and coughing, brought her tea, and finally, asked her to write out her last will and testament. She did, and put it away. I figured, her kids are wonderful and won’t fight about stuff but, better for her to express her wishes, even if the paper wouldn’t be legally binding.

Apparently, I get the FrankenDodge (the pickup which has hit one too many deer and who’s grill is sewn together by wire). I’ll take it but I’d much rather have her.

We waited 10 days for the nasal swab results. While we waited, she got better. Never had that cytokine storm, nor that respiratory crash. Storms and crashes; pretty apt words for the medical horror of end stage COVID-19. Once her test came back negative, despite the warning of her PCP who says that nasal swabs miss between 30 and 47% of positive cases, I was able to go to town on the 10th of April, get some software downloaded onto the computer so I could work from home, and hit Safeway while wearing a mask. I also dropped off one of Valerie’s homemade masks to a friend, along with some toilet paper illustrated with Trump’s kissy face. The moment of levity was greatly appreciated.

I started feeling lousy six days after my jaunt to Lakeview (April 16th). Cough and release of gook high up in my chest. Headache. No fever. Who knows if I have COVID-19. We listen to a British gentleman, Dr. Campbell, daily, as he reviews what’s going on globally, and he interviewed a woman who had exactly my illness course, before she moved on to fever and gastrointestinal symptoms. She never got tested. Too much hassle. Which is so ridiculous, criminal really, and in the USA, a direct result of American hubris and incompetence. Fine. Anyone with any symptoms of any illness is isolated until we have a vaccine and treatment, is my prediction. I’m still feeling shitty, though better. Started taking antibiotics just in case and in the hopes of recovering SOMEDAY.

My son Jonah and his girlfriend June escaped just in time the terrible plight of New York’s COVID19 deluge of infections and hospitalizations. They’ve been in Baltimore at June’s mother’s beautiful home. He spent his 26th birthday in the basement because they were still in quarantine. See adorable picture, below. Now they’re allowed upstairs, enjoying the quiet. Apparently, writing and directing music videos is not an essential service during a pandemic, but he’s writing pitches and living off the most recent lucrative gig with Kesha, thank goodness.

One of the most moving things that is happening in the USA during this time is the 7pm clapping ritual for medical workers and first responders in New York City, in all the boroughs:

There’s a firefighter in DC who’s going to hospitals and nursing homes to play the bagpipe.

That’s where my daughter Clara lives, in DC, but right now she’s staying with a friend in Laurel, MD, since her group house dynamics are stressful and had a symptomatic guest at last report. She’s working from home to make sure the Latinx school children are getting the tutoring they need now more than ever. We worry about her husband Jose and his country, Guatemala, since there are COVID-19 cases down there, and refugees seeking asylum are being dumped there, with and without the virus. Over 700 cases in Guatemala as of today. We hope he will get to the USA this year. However, Trump referred to it as a shithole country, which doesn’t bode well.

My sister and her husband are well, thankfully. They work fulltime from home in the company of Pepper the cat and Darcy the chocolate lab. Yuuki, 25, stays there, too, mostly in their room; they are out of work and applying for unemployment. Kohji, age 28, works from home in DC and makes more money as a web designer than I ever will after 34 years as a social worker, but who’s counting. (I remember well the admonition of a field instructor back in 1987: don’t go into social work for Power, Pay or Prestige.) His girlfriend is probably out of work; she works for a nonprofit that plants trees in DC. Probably not essential work right this very minute. Makoto, 23, is out of quarantine and looking for something to do; he’ll be a senior at the University of Delaware this fall. As far as I hear on Facebook and email, the rest of the folks with whom I share DNA are well. So that’s good. I worry about my Aunt Mary Lee who is 87. But she says not to: she’s fine and her ritzy retirement community in McLean, VA is on “lockdown.”

Psychologically, in the experience of quarantine and ‘social distancing’, there’s me, and then there are my clients.

My moods go up and down, but a little further down than usual. The terror that Valerie might die of COVID-19 has passed, but I figure I will always need therapy. I have “Facebook messenger” video chats with my therapist, Darcy of Bend, every other week now, which helps. Having ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ and a tendency toward major depression, I find therapy to be a corrective. A bimonthly tune up. Without it, I naturally veer toward negativity and neurosis, and a hypervigilance that served me well when I was a child, but is exhausting, overwrought and over-thought as an adult.

Psychologically, Valerie is always fine. Seriously. She was once told as a young woman by a therapist who’d tested her with the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that she was outrageously and puzzlingly normal. Now that she’s feeling mostly well again from the pneumonia, she’s been tearing up the joint, fixing the sump pump that apparently keeps this little house from drifting down main street on the wetlands it’s built on. Digging out the leaves from our irrigation ditch, chopping and clearing the wood from our front yard.

The BEFORE picture:

The AFTER Picture.

And this happened one morning in March. Just a cattle drive past our front door.

Valerie’s planning a garden at her daughter’s place, which has a deer-proof fence and lots of sun up on the hill above us. A delivery of horse manure is scheduled, and the garden bed has been rototilled. Val’s granddaughter Jessica and her husband Alan are living up there now, working from home for their Portland-based gigs. They’re almost finished the 14-day quarantine since they moved down here. The new normal: anytime anyone leaves one locale for another, they disappear into strictest quarantine, not to leave their abode. Groceries are delivered to the doorstep. A recent day turned out to be Jess’ 25th birthday: I’d bought a canvas bag with a picture of a pug on it, like her dog Archie, and Valerie found something gluten free flour mix with fresh jam to give her. Birthday gatherings are suspect at the moment.

Here’s a lovely idea for quarantined birthday celebrations:

What a kind and generous offer.

Even in isolation, Val and I do socialize, on zoom. The one pictured below is church.

We ‘visit’ with our fellow parishioners from St. Luke’s on Sunday evenings. Then we say Compline together, from the Book of Common Prayer. My favorite prayer of all time is this one from that service.

Yes, shield the joyous. Because joy is fleeting.

Our writers’ group, Easy Writers, ‘meets’ on zoom every Monday now. I wrote this bit about my yarn for the prompt, ‘write something in your home that means a lot to you.’

I am doing a great deal of crochet and a little knitting.

Yarn is my comfort and my joy. It is the raw material I create blankets and scarves and hats with. My tools are hooks and needles made from wood and plastic and metal. My fingers are also my tools.

Some of the yarn is like cotton candy: spun mohair from a goat is said to have a ‘halo’ or ‘aura’ because of the gentle cloud of color you can see an inch or two away from the spun thread. Some yarn is like twine: you can see every string of ply. My favorite is merino wool and single ply. A unity of color that will not split. All for one and one for all, the fuzzy stuff is twisted and bound into a single string of strength…

My clients are stressed out. The pandemic adds a layer to the stress they were already experiencing. I listen and knit, from within the cocoon of the yarn room which my folks can see behind me. One of my clients wanders about with her phone in her hand while I get slightly dizzy. I like this kind of counseling since I get a glimpse of my clients’ homes. Reminds me a little bit of being a geriatric care manager. You can tell a lot about a person from their home. From my home you can tell that I have a lot of yarn, and I work multiple projects at a time because there are piles of them alongside my recliner.

One of the sad weights of being present for my clients is their level of estrangement for most if not all social connections, especially people with whom they share DNA. And every single one has what is called in the mental health world “complex PTSD” from multiple traumatic experiences. I sit with them, on the phone or via video. I hope to model for them what Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ I breathe deeply to release my own distress at their sadness. We explore one tiny step toward reducing their isolation, the sense of trust. All during a pandemic where other people could be carrying a potentially deadly virus.

It’s no wonder I’m pawing mohair out of screen for my own comfort.

Sometimes I email clients links or articles on how to keep their spirits up, or about good things that are happening instead of the dire predictions they’re listening to or watching. There is much to share that is hopeful. I sent one to a client on creative ways to care for everyone and she shot back:

“I believe this is Liberal rhetoric.

Esp the paragraph below:

This current emergency provides the possibility for a new emergence—the birthing of a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people and the living Earth. “

Oh well. We can’t have a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people, now can we?

Sigh.

Brilliant writing is being penned right now, since the entire planet’s human inhabitants are barely one degree of separation away from this virus, which is apparently ‘barely alive’ and therefore hard to kill, as it spreads onward to make millions miserable and hundreds of thousands die.

I’m saving articles from The Atlantic, The NY Times, and the Washington Post, and following a historian named Heather Cox Richardson who writes a daily blog called Letters from an American. In a recent post she writes:

“The big news … has been the ‘protests’ of state governors’ stay-at-home orders and mandatory business closings to try to contain the novel coronavirus …These protests are a classic example of trying to control politics by controlling the national narrative. The protests are backed by the same conservative groups that are working for Trump’s reelection. …These are not spontaneous, grassroots protests. They are political operations designed to divert attention from the Trump administration’s poor response to the pandemic. Even more, though, they are designed to keep the American public divided so that we do not protest the extraordinary economic inequality the pandemic has highlighted.

These protests have diverted the national conversation by turning a national crisis into partisan division along the lines the Republican Party has developed since the 1980s... The change of subject protects not just Trump but also the ideology at the heart of his Republican Party. Since 1981, Republicans have argued that the economy depends on wealthy businessmen who know best how to arrange the economy—the makers-- and that it is vital to protect their interests. Under their policies, wealth in America has moved upward. The pandemic has highlighted how these policies have removed economic security for ordinary people. They cannot pay their bills, and they might well turn against an ideology that uses our tax dollars to bail out corporations while they must risk their lives to pay their rent.” [Emphasis mine]

I am so glad someone smarter than me can reveal the interconnections of what’s going on politically.

There is food for thought on Facebook and Instagram: in the guise of a rewrite of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese, this poem.

Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

by Adrie Kusserow

You do not have to become totally zen, You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better, your body slimmer, your children more creative. You do not have to “maximize its benefits” By using this time to work even more, write the bestselling Corona Diaries, Or preach the gospel of ZOOM. You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn everything capitalism has taught you, (That you are nothing if not productive, That consumption equals happiness, That the most important unit is the single self. That you are at your best when you resemble an efficient machine). Tell me about your fictions, the ones you’ve been sold, the ones you sheepishly sell others, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world as we know it is crumbling. Meanwhile the virus is moving over the hills, suburbs, cities, farms and trailer parks. Meanwhile The News barks at you, harsh and addicting, Until the push of the remote leaves a dead quiet behind, a loneliness that hums as the heart anchors. Meanwhile a new paradigm is composing itself in our minds, Could birth at any moment if we clear some space From the same tired hegemonies. Remember, you are allowed to be still as the white birch, Stunned by what you see, Uselessly shedding your coils of paper skins Because it gives you something to do. Meanwhile, on top of everything else you are facing, Do not let capitalism coopt this moment, laying its whistles and train tracks across your weary heart. Even if your life looks nothing like the Sabbath, Your stress boa-constricting your chest. Know that your antsy kids, your terror, your shifting moods, are no less sacred than a yoga class. Whoever you are, no matter how broken, the world still has a place for you, calls to you over and over announcing your place as legit, as forgiven, even if you fail and fail and fail again. remind yourself over and over, all the swells and storms that run through your long tired body all have their place here, now in this world. It is your birthright you be held deeply, warmly, in the family of things, not one cell left in the cold.

-Adrie Kusserow

Not one cell left out in the cold. Yes.

There is so much to be grateful for. I have a place to live, and even while paying off my bankruptcy debt, I have plenty. Enough that I can make small donations here and there. Here’s one cause I found: supporting foster children who were in college and now have no place to go. (Terrible visuals for the logo: it’s “Together We Rise.”)

Soon, the nights of below freezing temperatures will pass, and both Lesbians of Paisley will be healthy at the same time. Perhaps I’ll get my Tricycle-for-Grownups serviced and toodle around for exercise. Perhaps the Stitch & Bitch knitting/crochet gatherings will resume, maybe in a park for physical distance and social connection.

And maybe I’ve already had Covid-19, and so has Valerie. Looks like 50-70% of all the people on the planet, not quite 8 billion humans so maybe 4 to 6 billion people, need to catch this thing in order to give our species herd immunity. Or WILL catch it because we have no way to stop it, only to slow the infections so that health care is not overwhelmed. We live and Love in the Time of Coronavirus, to paraphrase Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I maybe a libtard, a snowflake, a lily-livered liberal, who’s heart bleeds. But I agree with this sentiment, found on Facebook, our American ‘commons’:

Love absurdly and abundantly, my people. And wash your hands.

#covidー19

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kidmachinate · 5 years ago

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Making Peace With a Part of Me

My therapist is a sweet lady. She tells me things I know but won’t acknowledge fully. There’s this part of me that might as well be its own separate person, that I sometimes see in the mirror instead of the person I know I can be and mostly show to others. I can take a defeatist attitude. On good days, I just joke around how my memory just doesn’t work. Except it isn’t a joke. I genuinely in games or otherwise can’t remember how I got from point A to point B more often than I’d like to admit. Having it together in life doesn’t mean I’m not without feelings. Sadness. Despair. Depression and anxiety. They suck. The “Part of Me” that I’ve learned to work with. My “Badeline” persona of sorts.

Unforeseen circumstances have taken place and my sessions may have to be put on hold. This doesn’t mean I can’t reflect on what I’ve learned. How far I’ve come. How it is very much okay to be not okay. What’s not okay are the eyes that look over us all and tell us things must be a certain way or no way at all. It’s a closed minded view of things and helps no one. It is highly insensitive as so much more than I even realized, isn’t quite as black and white as we’d like to believe. I want to address a few things and this will likely come out as crude as possible at times, for the sake of both transparency, and perhaps make some of the misunderstood out there more comfortable.

My faith in humanity is...questionable. Lots of moments I shake my head at but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. Respect isn’t “earned”, it should be granted from the start. Expect the good from one...until they prove otherwise...and this is where I slip fast. I’ve given very little leverage here at times with others, which is good for the ones who seek not to help themselves. Too much leverage however gets you into trouble. It led to tragic moments I’ve referenced on here before but that’s in the past. We need to be compassionate because it’s one thing to just get shit done. I’m all for that. Not always easy though. America likes to avoid mental health because it’s scary or people are ashamed. Perhaps not just America but even with people more open about all this, it is still a joke to many. We should be more focused on strengthening mental health education than blaming video games. Seeing the good in people is both a blessing and a curse and I’m trying not to buy too much into the negative side of that. In becoming more self-aware however, I’m trusting my gut more. Ignoring what is true to you is the way to slowly start losing your mind. It’s not a place I’m going back to.

I’m good at avoiding people it seems, but it isn't something I always want to do. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I look like crap? What if I get judged for what I wear? What if I say the one wrong thing that ruins a great friendship or relationship? Should I REALLY be that concerned to begin with? Probably not. This is me however. While I stay away from others, in part lately, this is for legitimate self-care purposes. Us introverts need to recharge and all that. However...while I may seem at times like I kinda hate people, I do LOVE connecting people. Community efforts. Getting people chatting about stuff that matters or that I like, even if I don’t fully understand it. I’ve had my thoughts of being a therapist of sorts but I dunno...think it might break me. I can bring help/hope to people in my current ways but not on that kind of scale. Absorbing emotions and such, better at a level where I can manage it and am not forced into it. Forced into it...hmm...

You know what really fucking sucks? Being forced to do literally anything. I can decide myself dammit. Except for when I can’t. That sucks. But I should be allowed to go through that process on my own. Not mocked when I don’t instantly give an answer. How about...if I don’t give an answer, just assume no? Silence is a response too. A powerful one at that, depending on situation. I get we are in a age of instant gratification but anything worthwhile in life requires work. Work which we all need to do to live. Work at times also however, does involve working on ourselves with or without the use of meds and/or a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. Depression and anxiety are one thing. Combining that with feeling mostly understood by many is another. If there’s a personality disorder involved however, things can get even more complex. Being curious about what makes people tick always has me looking for perhaps why someone acted a certain way. Now of course if they keep just being a jackass or selfish, you can introduce them to the book your foot wrote...or just tell em to fuck off. Me however...ever heard of the INFJ doorslam? People that have gotten it haven’t come back. No regrets.

You know what else sucks? Having to force yourself out of bed because you feel like a legit piece of shit. But hey...gotta work in the morning, right? The machine mentality kicks in...but then who are you if everything is just on autopilot. The machine mentality however puts me in gear to do all the stuff I’m used to. Being responsible. Adulting. I’m convinced the only reason it is “easy” (sort of) for me is because I’m used to doing much of this alone. Alone. That always sucks to realize, eh? But I’m consistently telling people they aren’t alone. I don’t want people to feel like I do at times, or other can and will do to themselves on a bad day. How can you help others if you can’t help yourself? Um...I just...do? The shit happens. Don’t ask me how tho. Depending on the day, I won’t be able to tell you.

The balance between being the light at the end of the tunnel and a defeatist attitude is a daily struggle. Depression sucks for me and it has gotten worse. Anxiety is not as big a deal but I’ve also found out what a panic attack is like multiple times this year, so there’s that. When it hits is hits. Just gotta be ready to roll with the punches. Music, gaming, and seeking mental health knowledge/help helps with that. Knowledge is power...unless it is clickbait or ACTUAL fake news. No one needs that crap. Social media...that can be crap. I took a break for a weekend. It was nice. Try it sometime. You’d be amazed at the results.

How can I put a voice out there when my own shit isn’t together? Maybe that’s the point. Maybe that is part of the vision to begin with. I’m still figuring it out. Many still are and just not admitting it. The second you think you know it all you’ve lost in life. That and I don’t want to talk to you. You and the horse your ego rode in on can go off a bridge.

One more thing on this digital pad. Love. The word gets tossed around too much to even determine what it means but it is also one of those things without question. I prefer the spiritual connections. The ones with more understanding and less explaining. When you do explain, it is understood. Judgment free zone. Funny from a INFJ, eh? It's possible dammit!

It's okay to not be okay. That's what we need to tell our bad selves without letting it consume us. Is that it? From from it...but I'm working on ways to express the good and bad in more positive manners. Until then, reach out if you need help. Always. Don't you dare go hollow.

#depression #anxiety #mentalhealthawareness #infj #misunderstood #yourenotalone #youareenough #celeste #mattmakesgames #lenaraine #extremelyokaygames #madeline #badeline #tothefuture #gaming #videogames

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deadmomjokes · 6 years ago

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Normal Anon Again 1: Your response was great, don't worry about a thing there. I just really feel stuck because Im still with my emotionally abusive family, and so I had to sneak to even see a doctor. I honestly felt like the doctor barely ever heard me at all, so even though she did prescribe an SSRI (not that she said what brand), I'm kind of scared to continue treatment with her. Because I made the notebook with a lot of care, she said I had OCD and did bring it up again later when I

had refuted it and tried to explain the notebook was just something I wanted to be well done for her. She didn't ever look at it either, so she based it off me buying little tabs and labeling them for ease of access and writing my name on the front I guess? I don't have a lot of money, as I don't have a job, and getting a job is the main reason I want to try medication... I basically have to move out by 2020 from my family, both by their desires and mine, so I'm on acrazy deadline to try to get my life together and I feel like I have no time to find someone new if I'm going to be looking to move away when all the apartments are renting. So it feels like if I want to try medication this is my one chance, but I don't feel like I can trust the doctor handling them. I don't know if I should just try to find a way to make my life work out for a couple months or give the medication a shot even though I don't trust the provider...I've got to worry about getting a job this month or being homeless too, which is why it feels so one or the other for my current situation. Thank you so much for all your feedback, sorry if this was a little messy being explained, I'm a bit frazzled yet, haha.

Oh man, I’m SO very sorry for everything you’re going through! You’re dealing with a ton, and this incident with Dr Garbage certainly didn’t help.

One thing that may be a possibility is going to a normal doctor, like a family medicine doc or general practitioner, and talking to them about your anxiety/depression problems. They can also prescribe psych medication, and it might be easier to pass off around your family and/or to find once you move, since a lot of offices partner or have networks that you can just transfer through. Anyone from a Nurse Practitioner to a PhD in general medicine can prescribe meds like an SSRI or even low-level mood stabilizers. (For my recently upped dosage, I went to a PA-C and they consulted with the folks at my obgyn, so I never even saw a psychiatrist. Tho I’m trying to get in with one anyway, but that’s way beside the point.)

I definitely understand you being unable to trust the current provider; she clearly didn’t hear you or take everything (anything?) into account. Anyone who comes to you from an emotionally abusive situation should warrant a ton of follow-up questions and in-depth probing. Even beyond that, just in general, taking stock of all the symptoms and reviewing any identified triggers is going to go a long way toward real diagnosis. Your notebook should have made her job a breeze, instead of her having to pick through your anecdotes of what happens when, she could just look at your notes! You were doing everything right; a therapist’s dream, honestly. I’ve been in therapy for years and I’m still not that good at keeping tabs on my own symptoms and patterns. I’m enraged on your behalf, because when someone comes to you for help you should reach back out to them, not be prescriptivist even if you’re dealing with prescriptions.

If medication is something you’ve been considering for a while, and feel like it might be a good fit for you, it may be worth trying the current prescription even though the current doctor is garbage, since SSRIs are usually the first try medications anyway. But that always comes with risks, because sometimes the first try doesn’t really work out for you or your specific situation. But SSRIs as a category are pretty safe, and are used for anxiety disorders (including panic disorder and generalized anxiety), ptsd, depression, and ocd as well. So chances are even if you found a psych who did their job well (aka not labeling you ocd for being prepared), they were going to land on an SSRI as a first try, too. That definitely doesn’t make it an easy decision, tho. That nagging fear may always be with you if you try it anyway despite not really trusting her diagnosis, and that could add a layer of complexity to deciding whether the medicine is right for you. Especially if you end up needing to switch medication or dosage, having a doctor you trust from the outset is going to be important.

I obviously cannot tell you what to do, nor do I want to, or even think I should if I could, because personal situations are just that--personal. I would only caution that if you’re already having difficulty getting or doing a job without medical assistance (ie medication), that trying it under serious stress for a few months may do more harm than good as far as worsening your difficulties, or causing new ones. However, sometimes we aren’t in the position to make the “best” decision for our health because living takes precedence; I’ve taken plenty of jobs that wrecked my mind and body and I kept them anyway because I absolutely had to. So I’m not going to get on a high horse because I know exactly how hard it is, and the difficult decisions you have to make in order to survive. I’m just so very sorry you are in that position to make such a decision.

If you do decide to try the medication anyway, some tips on kind of “going it alone” since you won’t be able to/won’t want to go back to the original doctor:

Start at a lower dose than the full final dosage. If she didn’t prescribe a “titration” schedule, starting at half dose for a week is a good place to begin.

Understand that things might get worse before they get better. You might have horrible mood swings, really bad depressive days, or bad anxiety spells before you start seeing the true effects. This isn’t indicative of whether the medicine is going to work eventually, but if it becomes too much for you to deal with, you should stop anyway.

Side effects may come and go. Just worth noting.

If possible, have someone close to you who knows that you’re starting this medicine. Obviously not a family member given your situation, but if you have a friend or anyone you do trust in your immediate vicinity, or even a friend you communicate with long-distance, make sure someone knows. That way you have someone to report in to and who can check up on you as you adjust.

Start by taking them with food, even if it doesn’t have a nausea warning. I’d suggest evening meal or soon thereafter, because SSRIs often cause drowsiness at first (great for helping with insomnia tho!).

You’re probably going to have a full month or two before it reaches its peak effect, since this is your first time trying them. You might see some relief right away, but full efficacy takes time as it builds up in your system. If you can tolerate the side effects (or don’t have any), and you’re able to deal with the mood swings or psychiatric effects, stick with it at least 6 weeks.

Listen to that “don’t drive or operate machinery” warning. First-time-medication drowsiness is a special breed that sneaks up on you and also makes you feel WEIRD.

You can also see about filling the prescription and then researching the name on the label before you decide whether or not to take it. Or, if you have an online account with the pharmacy, as with CVS, you can see the name of the drug there, or even call the pharmacy she sent it to and ask them what the name of it was (”for insurance purposes” or “because I forgot which one it was”) and then research it on sites like Mayo Clinic and rxlist.com (don’t do webmd). These websites include lists of what it’s approved to treat, so if you’re fairly certain you actually have anxiety/depression, look for that on the list. Just know that all websites are essentially required to remind you that an SSRI (really any antidepressant or mood stabilizer) could worsen any suicidal thoughts or behaviors, though this is mostly a risk for the 24 and under crowd with emphasis on teenagers. And it doesn’t happen to everyone.

Should you decide not to do the medicine right now because of the doctor who prescribed it, I applaud you for your bravery and strength in facing both your uncertain future and your mental/emotional difficulties without the assistance you feel you need. That’s a hard, hard thing to do, and I wish it wasn’t a choice you had to make.

I’ll be sending good vibes, thoughts, and prayers your way as you’re dealing with so many transitions and difficulties. I know cyber hugs are kind of a dated internetism, and may not mean much, but I give you all the cyber hugs my cyber arms can muster.

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snk-oc-guide · 6 years ago

Text

Guinevere Arlert

Sorry it’s a bit long!

Name: Guinevere Arlert Meaning: White shadow, white wave. Nickname: Gwen Alias: Eve Smith

Age: 26 Gender: Female Species: Human Birthday: 13 May Birthplace: Wall Rose (Undefined town) Current Residence: Wall Rose Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Relationship Status: Complicated Languages Spoken: German, English

rowan: i said this before but, the inhabitants of the wall speak in a made-up “un-named” language. all other languages are since dead to them. unless a specific family’s ancestors have worked hard on preserving their “mother tongue” and have passed it down exclusively to the family through the years. it would be easier to just delete the “languages” section from your bio completely.

Life-Long Dream: Explore outside world Goals: Join Survey Corps Likes: Animals, cooking, combat technique Dislikes: Strength training, loud sounds (people based) Bad Habits: Muttering, avoiding eye contact, unclear speech Hobbies: Cooking, 3DMG training, combat Fears: Being touched, her brother and sister dying, The Walls falling.

Personality: Sweet, shy, cunning, quiet

Gwen has a lot of trust issues concerning physical contact. She has an extremely high IQ and is agile and sneaky. She comes across as very shy when you first meet her. That said, even people who have known her for years still find she’s quiet, reserved and even skittish in some situations. The only time she’s really ever comfortable and ‘in her element’ is when she’s on a mission. She’s completely focused and ready to give commands.

rowan: the definition for “cunning” is “having skill in achieving one’s ends by deceit.” if she is shy and sweet, than i doubt she is going to be cunning or manipulative at all.

also, being shy, it won’t be easier for her to “take the lead” and give orders, despite missions being her element. it would be something she has to work past and grow out of. instead of shy, i would call her “antisocial”, in which she is awkward in social situations, and/or doesn’t really want to be in other people’s company/interact with them. just because she is quiet, doesn’t mean she is shy! but people always assume that, so i would keep that assumption in the bio. as i can see a bunch of the characters making that mistake.

Favorites:

Foods: Sweet rice, fruitcake

Colors: Blue and light grey

Seasons: Autumn

Activities: Cooking, horse riding,

Time of Day: Dusk

Appearance:

Height: 5’ 2”

Weight: 54 kg

Hairstyle: Short, slightly curly, kept in a messy bun mostly.

Hair Color: Blonde

Eye Color: Hazel (red and gold hints)

rowan: hazel eyes don’t have red tints to them, or any eye color really. that’s a bit too unnatural for the snk-verse. hazel eyes typically look like a mix of brown and green.

Skin Tone: Pale beige

Body Shape/Build: Small build, squishy tummy

Birthmarks: Several on her neck

Scars: One on her right ankle from a piece of shrapnel impaling it.

Health:

Memory (any issues with this?): None

Sight (do they need glasses?): No

Mental: Mild anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder

Physical: Average

Sleep patterns: 4 hours (at most)

rowan: definitely not a healthy amount of hours to be sleeping.. especially with that “at most” there. if you’ve ever had to run on only four hours (or less) of sleep, then you’d know it’s shit and you feel sick and sluggish. that behavior from a soldier could be fatal.

if she has a reason for lack of sleep (nightmares, perhaps?) then at least raise it up to 5 hours in the least.

Allergies/Other: Mild touch aversion

Abilities/Statistics:

3DMG: 8/10- Technique is refined with natural aerial balance

Intelligence: 11/10- Classed as a technical ‘genius’, high factor IQ

Martial Arts: 7/10- Technique is ideal, however strength is somewhat lacking

rowan: strength behind hits is a big part of fighting. if her strength is a problem, then her stat should be lower. an idea of something is nothing when compared to putting it into action. i would give it a 5 or 6.

Battle Skill: 8/10- Endurance and strength are missing factors

rowan: no idea what battle skill is supposed to apply to, so i’m crossing this out. in my opinion, battle skill speaks for fighting abilities and strategic plays, but martial arts and strategy is already listed. so it cancels out.

Agility: 8/10- Naturally balanced on the ground, but speed is only used in short bursts

rowan: for someone who gets at most, 4 hours of sleep, her agility should be about a 4 or 5. she may feel energetic at one point (a side effect of being sleep deprived), but that short spark will die down and she’ll just be tired and slow-going.

Strategy: 9/10- Intellect contributes greatly under pressure

Initiative: 7/10- When in command of her squad, she does well with coordinating attacks and formations, however struggles when placed elsewhere

rowan: unless you’re going to remove “shy” trait from her personality, her initiative needs to be much lower. i would put it at a 3 or 4. shy people, definitely won’t be the ones to take control when the situation allows it.

if she is shy, and can’t exactly lead because of it, i wonder how she is commanding her own squad at all.

Teamwork: 3/10- Fearful of people and struggles with communication when not in her own squad

Passion: 10/10

rowan: overall, these stats need some work. it’s odd that she seems to be good at everything except teamwork. it looks a little too op, and a lot like levi’s stats.

Affiliation: Survey Corps Grad. Rank: 2nd Status: Alive

Relationships:

Parents: Unnamed (Deceased), Erwin Smith (adoptive brother)

Siblings: Armin Arlert (younger brother), Kira Arlert (twin sister)

Love Interest: Levi Ackerman

Best Friend: Erwin Smith

Friends: Mikasa Ackerman, Eren Jaeger, Armin Arlert

Heroes: Levi Ackerman, Erwin Smith

Quote: “Never to suffer would to have never been blessed.”

History/Life:

Eve Smith was born Guinevere Arlert. At age eight, she was playing with her twin sister, Kira, in the street with the other girls in their neighbourhood. Her little brother, Armin, was just 1 year old. After the sun went down, they continued playing hide-and-seek in the back streets, alone. Gwen was grabbed by unknown hands and knocked out. When she woke up, she was tied up with many other young girls and boys. All she heard was voices talking about all the awful things old men would do to the children. She was regularly beaten over the course of the week’s journey. Lucky for her, a squad of soldiers intercepted and took her to the nearest town. She was given to the Smith family and told, for safety purposes, her new name was Eve Smith.

rowan: the kidnapping thing is a reasonable and realistic event. giving a random child to the smith family? not so much.. and for safety purposes? what safety purposes? it doesn’t click to me.

from what i’ve read, gwen doesn’t have anything special or extraordinary about her to make her a prime target for constant kidnappings. she was probably just unlucky that time. plus, the squad of soldiers intercepted the and took in the kidnappers, thus the danger was over and she should have been sent home.

Gwen grew up very close to Erwin, they both showed an avid interest in the outside world. Gwen was very quiet and nervous, hardly talking to anyone but Erwin. When he decided to join the military after their father was killed, she went with him, to join the Scouts. Upon joining, she showed natural talent with the 3DMG and was very agile. Her endurance and strength training was a struggle for her though, but she made up for it with her intellect and agility in gymnastic feats.

When training, she met Kira. Identical twins, but complete personality opposites. Once realising they were sisters, they became very close again and formed a tight bond, Gwen and Kira graduated at age 16, 2nd and 6th rank, respectively. Once graduating, Erwin and Levi were sent to the South Scout regiment and Kira and Gwen were sent to the North. After two years showing off high skill and ability, they were moved to the Elite squad, Gwen eventually taking over as Captain Arlert (from graduation, she earns this rank after a total of eight years). (Story takes off sometime between now and next paragraph)

rowan: if gwen was kidnapped at age eight, she would still be able to remember her original family clearly. thus, she would remember kira, and already know she is her sister.

also, there is no such thing as the “south regiment” or “north regiment” there is only “the scout regiment”. another note would be that levi isn’t in the story yet.. he doesn’t enter the survey corps until much latter, when erwin has already taken place as the commander, and he is captured and forced into joining.

i should also point out that erwin and her wouldn’t have been in the same training corps, since he’s older than her (early thirties at least).

After a long mission, in the year 854, with few casualties, they return to Wall Rose. A parade through the streets with the body of a 6m Titan they captured and two days later, Gwen and Kira sit on the streets with their elite members, Tristan, Morgan, Enid, and Gareth. They spent the day on their 3DMG sets, traveling to the South, where the Southern Regiment are returning the next day.

When they arrive, Gwen waits in the crowd, excited to see Erwin. They watch as the Scouts arrive, beaten and weighed down with the dead. The people are not happy. Captain Levi walks up front, clearly exhausted and defeated. Abuse is hollered from the crowd, majorly differing from the reception they got. Kira grips her sister’s hand and pulls her out in the street, stopping the Scouts from moving forward. Kira screams back at the crowd, angered and vengeful. Gwen spots a young man rushing towards Levi from behind with a stick poised to strike. On an impulse, she wrestles him to the ground, gaining an advantage by surprising him. Once other Scouts assist in holding him down and Kira helps her sister up, Erwin finds them. Levi mutters a word of hurried thanks and leaves. Erwin offers them a room with the South Scouts.

I don’t know if she’s too sue-ish. I’d love any constructive criticism or comments you have!

rowan: overall, gwen could use a little tweaking. i would completely overhaul her backstory. you could keep the part where she is kidnapped, but do not have it so she is given to the smith family. just send her back home.

so! yeah! just work on the things i pointed out (or at least think them through) and you’ll be good to go.

#submission

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meditativeyoga · 6 years ago

Text

Daily Meditation Made Easy

Alexandra Branzan Albu, an associate teacher of electric and computer system design at the College of Victoria BC as well as a mom of 2, had a million things on her mind. She jogged on a regular basis in order to help remove her head but usually really felt bewildered by the anxiety of juggling motherhood with a demanding job. Meditation assured the tranquility she was trying to find, yet developing a method seemed like another thing on her unlimited order of business, and the barriers to obtaining started appeared impossible. 'I was convinced I didn't have time, that I needed to concentrate on my family members and getting period,' says Branzan Albu, who however negotiated with herself to meditate daily, as well as that now, three years later on, wakes early most mornings to center herself before the day begins.

Her efforts repaid promptly. Within a month of starting her method, she says, she not just felt calmer, but found herself free of the sleeping disorders she had actually dealt with for several years. 'I began little, felt a change, and also simply kept going,' she says.

The miracle of reflection is obvious. A vast and expanding body of study shows that practicing meditation can reduce stress, ease stress and anxiety and clinical depression, enhance your interest period, as well as deepen your concern for others, amongst its several other benefits. We currently know that routine meditation can change the physical structure of the mind, and current research studies by researchers at the College of Wisconsin and UCLA suggest not just that meditation could make your brain better at cognitive features such as refining information and also forming memories, but likewise that the more years you regularly practice meditation, the greater the possible advantages. From the Dalai Lama to Oprah and also from cellular phone apps that motivate you to look inward to worldwide flash-mob meditations that intend to advertise the advantages of the practice, reflection is heralded by nonreligious, spiritual, and also scientific communities alike as unimpeachably good for you.

But recognizing that meditation is excellent for you is something-- taking a seat daily to do it is another. As well as consistency is the key to realizing the method's several benefits, states Sally Kempton, acclaimed reflection teacher and also the author of Reflection for the Love of It.

Kempton, formerly referred to as Swami Durgananda, has instructed reflection and yoga philosophy for more than 40 years, including 2 years invested as a training monk in the Saraswati order. To assist you establish your very own method, Yoga Journal teamed up with Kempton ahead up with a program that provides both start and on-again, off-again meditators a taste of the incentives of normal method-- and also puts you on the course to a habit that sticks.

The heart of the program is a series of four audio meditations of enhancing length and complexity. While practicing meditation for 30 to 75 mins a day is excellent, Kempton states, beginners should begin with much shorter sessions as well as gradually increase the amount of time spent resting. To that end, the first of the four reflections is simply 10 mins, to be done on a daily basis for a week. Each week brings a new technique, with each method structure on the last.

1. Choose a Technique

If you've ever before assumed regarding discovering how to practice meditation, you know that there are a potentially frustrating variety of designs as well as strategies to pick from. Vipassana or Transcendental? Visualization, prayer, or mantra? Music or no music? Decisions in the vitamin aisle at Whole Foods seem easy comparative. Kempton's recommendations is not to worry over the stretching meditation buffet. Instead, consider the numerous methods as devices or websites to provide you accessibility to the reflective state.

Which method you make use of is less important than gaining the benefits of a peaceful mind. Beginners, states Kempton, must begin by discovering a technique or method that dependably puts them into a reflective state. When this 'core practice' is developed, you can after that begin to try out other reflection techniques and also styles-- constantly with the knowledge that you could return to one that helps you if you begin to shed your way.

Over the course of 4 weeks, you will have an opportunity to experiment with a number of different techniques, beginning with the fundamental mindfulness practice of purposely adhering to the breath. This technique offers a beginner's hectic mind something to do, clarifies Kempton: The exchange of air, also the metronomic rhythm of the effort, steers the meditator toward the natural power inside the body that desires to take the focus internal, a power Kempton calls the 'reflection existing.'

2. Establish a Habit

According to Kempton, it's practical for beginners to develop conditions for a meditation technique that will continue to be basically constant-- the very same time, the same cushion, the same peaceful edge. Our body and minds have natural rhythms, and also they respond favorably to practicing meditation at the exact same time each day and to visual and also sensory signs like paddings, garments, candle lights, and spaces dedicated to meditation, she says. Undoubtedly, neuroscientists believe that we form routines by means of a three-step 'behavior loophole': The mind triggers you to carry out a react to a cue, you do the activity, and also you locate it gratifying, thus reinforcing the loophole and also making you anxious to do it again.

When you develop the conditions for your reflection technique, you're not just establishing up signals that inform your mind and body it's time to turn internal, but you are making it that much extra likely that you'll sit down in the initial place.

Of course, genuine life-- in the kind of work, substantial others, and children, to say nothing of laundry and also dirty dishes-- could make such consistency impossible. Don't allow the truth that you don't have a silent edge (or also a dedicated pillow) prevent you. 'Don't obtain stuck on the suggestion that you must practice meditation at a certain time, or in certain garments,' states Kempton, who has actually meditated on park benches, in buses, on aircrafts, as well as also in a parked car.

3. Be Patient

I pencil in the 20 mins prior to dawn as my ideal method time as well as select the guest bed room as a peaceful area where I'm not likely to be disturbed. On my first morning, I remain on the floor on a folded up blanket with my eyes carefully closed, my legs freely went across, and my palms relaxing softly on my upper legs. The wall surface is close by to sustain my back if I need it. 'You should make yourself comfy to ensure that physical pain doesn't stop you from meditating,' states Kempton. Sustaining the back versus a wall surface with cushions, or perhaps sitting in a chair is fine, as long as the spinal column is put up-- a plunged stance constricts breathing, decreases performance, and also puts a kink in the power running with the body.

As I pay attention to the first of the led reflection audio recordings that make up this program, I concentrate on Kempton's voice and also on my breath. The air enters my lungs, the air leaves. My concentration is periodically interrupted by thoughts of my son's Little League team and also the jingle of the pet's tags, but complying with Kempton's recommendations, I aim to let these disturbances reoccur, as if they're pieces of driftwood floating towards and far from me on the ocean. Sometime throughout the first meditation session, my mind clears, my lower arms and jaw feel splendidly heavy, and I shed myself in the exchange of breath. Later, I feel kicked back, like the debris inside of me has settled.

Was that the meditation current? I ask Kempton later. She verifies that it sounds as though I was attracted. Some people, she tells me, are fortunate to capture the current on the first try, but those less fortunate ought to hold your horses. The amount of time it requires to reach a silent state differs by person and also by degree of experience. Ways to know when you're there is an additional question without strict solution. You might experience a deep and also relaxed state of recognition, as I did, while others may experience visions or noises. And also just what took place in today's session, Kempton tells me, could have no bearing on what will take place tomorrow or the next day. 'Every reflection is different,' she says.

As the days go by, I uncover that every method does not bring bliss. In general, I do not experience much from the squirminess that frequently torments the newbie meditator. The mantra meditation of the second week doesn't feel as effective as the initial week's breath method. The concept that I am concentrating on-- Ham sa, or 'I am that'-- hasn't already maintained me involved. In one session, I bother with a good friend who has actually simply shed his work. On an additional day, I can not obtain comfortable. On a third day, my MP3 gamer inexplicably changes from Kempton's voice to a singing Ray LaMontagne.

Kempton tells me that not every method reverberates with every person, and she assures me that down days belong to developing a practice. Even if some of my sessions do not really feel successful, she states, it is still time well invested. Pressing through uncreative sessions aids you build exactly what is basically meditation muscular tissue. You're educating your body and also mind to transform inward continuously-- to stand firm with one negative day or a collection of tough days in order to better savor the excellent sessions.

I'm further guaranteed that virtually every seasoned meditator I talk to says establishing a technique commonly boils down to merely revealing up each day. I talk to an Idaho speech therapist with an eating problem who originally located reflection so painful that she could not rest for also one min, a workaholic East Shore exec who had a difficult time believing that practicing meditation would certainly pay sufficient dividends making it worth his while, as well as Cherilynn Morrow, a retired teacher of physics as well as astronomy at Atlanta's Georgia State University as well as a pupil of Kempton's that, in spite of duplicated efforts at meditating, could not subdue her racing thoughts.

' The reflection I was doing had not been making me tranquil. I wasn't calming down,' she says. On Kempton's advice, she tried a different method as well as was able to catch the meditation present by observing her busy reasoning rather than dealing with it.

4. Find The Joy

As my experience of the 28-day program nears its end, I really feel palpable yet subtle advantages: increased empathy, even more objectivity, a better sense of joy and also tranquility. When I am patient with my children as they enter into their fourth debate of the early morning, when I take a seat at my workdesk and my mind focuses rather than racing, I cannot assist thinking that I have reflection to thank. Still, I have not experienced any cymbal clashes or grand revelations. Reflection hasn't already stopped me from consistently inspecting my e-mail, or from suggesting with the police that draws me over for speeding. I wonder if I've in some way shown up short.

Kempton advises me that a final secret to developing a meditation practice is locating pleasure in it. That I am feeling happier as well as a lot more secure means that I am off to a good begin, and also I can anticipate these small happiness to snowball-- over the sessions as well as days, months, as well as years-- into bigger ones. The last days of the program rate by as I genuinely relish each practice. Twenty-eight days in, I recognize I'm shutting the behavior loop. Meditation has actually come to be an unquestionably gratifying part of my life.

And after that, just days after I finish the program, I avoid my practice to take a bike trip. The following early morning I oversleep. On the 3rd morning, I have to wake up early to obtain the kids ready for the day. I wonder if meditating hasn't already stuck nevertheless, if I have actually lost whatever toehold I located in the meditation world. On the fourth morning, the impulse to meditate wakes me up prior to the alarm clock. I desire exactly what resting provides me. In the darkness before dawn, I move silently toward the area where my reflection perch awaits. Andrew Tilin is an author in Austin, Texas, and the writer of The Doper Next Door.

5. Get a Good Seat

Proper position is essential for reflection, however you don't need to being in a timeless yogic position. The only outright regulation is that your back should be upright-- straight yet not inflexible-- to allow the breath and power to flow easily. Beyond that, solidity and also comfort are vital, you should be in a secure placement that you can preserve comfortably for at the very least 20 mins. Below are 3 options to obtain you started.

Once you're sittinged conveniently, location your hands on your knees, palms up or down, with the thumb as well as forefinger touching. This completes an energetic circuit that enables the power to broaden as well as increase in the body.

In a Chair: Sit upright in a straight-backed chair with a level seat, rather compared to one that tilts backwards. (If you do not have a chair with a level seat, position a folded covering under-neath your resting bones, as revealed, to turn your hips ahead.) Location both feet flat on the flooring, and also utilize pillows or reinforces behind your reduced back, if required, to keep your back upright.

Simple Crossed Legs: Rest on the floor in Sukhasana (Easy Posture). If you get on a tough flooring, remaining on a rug or a folded blanket will certainly cushion your ankle joints. Your hips must be 2 to 4 inches more than your knees. If they aren't, elevate your hips and also butts with a company cushion, a wedge, or two or three folded coverings under your sitting bones. This assistance will certainly keep your pose set up as well as safeguard your psoas and also the muscles of your reduced back.

6. Begin With the Breath

This breath-awareness meditation is the first sound technique. When you want to develop a structure for transforming the mind internal, it is essential to collaborate with a solitary core method daily until it ends up being a habit.

Against a Wall: If you find it hard to sit upright on the flooring, you could sit versus a wall in Easy Posture and also place soft cushions behind your reduced back (keep the pillows behind the lumbar spine, as opposed to behind the center back). Use as lots of as you require to support your spinal column and also place you in an upright posture.

Sit in a comfy position with your back quickly set up. Inhale, allowing the hips, thighs, and also sitting bones end up being hefty as they penetrate the floor. Exhale, really feeling that the breath gently lifts the back column up with the crown of the head. Inhale, letting the chest lift as well as open. Exhale, enabling the shoulder blades to launch down the back.

Inhale, and envision that the sides of your ears return simply sufficient to ensure that your head and also neck feel straightened with your shoulders. Your chin ought to tilt slightly downward. Place your hands in Chin Mudra, thumb and also first finger touching, hands down on your upper legs. Let your tongue hinge on the floor of your mouth. Close your eyes.

Notice as your awareness comes delicately to the circulation of the breath. As the breath streams in as well as out, notice the sensations in your body. Let the breathing bring your attention to any areas in the body that feel tense or tight, and after that, with the exhalation, launch any kind of holding there. Let the breath bring your focus on your shoulders, as well as with the exhalation, feel them releasing. Allow the breath bring your focus to your chest as well as belly, and with the exhalation, release any type of holding in those locations. Inhale with the feeling of allowing the breath to touch any areas in your body that still feel tight, and also exhale with the feeling that your whole body softens and also releases.

Allow the breath to stream at an all-natural rhythm. Notice exactly how the breath flows into the nostrils with a feeling of coolness. It moves in as well as down the throat, probably coming to relax in the breast, then streams out slightly cozy as it misses via the throat as well as out the nostrils.

Notice the mild touch of your breath as your attention progressively ends up being increasingly more resolved in the circulation of the breath. If ideas occur, note them with the recognition 'Reasoning,' as well as bring your focus back to the breath.

As the breath flows in and out, you may pick up that the breath is flowing in with bits of very refined as well as tranquil light as well as energy. They flow in with the breath, down into your body, as well as out with the exhalation. You could imagine these light bits as white or blue or pink. Or you might merely notice them as waves as well as particles of energy.

Sense the jazzing up caress of the breath, perhaps being mindful of the breath filling your body with light fragments, possibly really feeling the touch of the breath as it flows in with your nostrils, moves down via your throat and also right into your heart center, and after that delicately flows out.

To appeared of the meditation, take a deep breath in and also carefully allow it out. Notification exactly how your body feels, exactly how your mind really feels, the top quality of your power. When you prepare, occupy your journal as well as compose exactly what you keep in mind concerning this meditation. Sally Kempton is a worldwide acknowledged educator of meditation and also yoga approach and the author of Meditation for the Love of It.

#Mantra Meditation #meditating #meditation #spiritual #Vipassana #Yoga #Yoga Journal

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pendragonfics · 7 years ago

Text

When the Road Looks Rough Ahead

Paring: Scotty/Reader

Tags: female reader, reader is an ex-soldier and has PTSD, anxiety, angst, fluff.

Summary: After an accidental discharge sets off Reader's PTSD, it's Scotty to the rescue.

Word Count: 1,175

Current Date: 2017-08-01

Other than the fact that it was on the route to your station, you had no reason to go to hub where the engineering people worked. That’s what you told the subordinates you worked with, anyways. As head of Security on the USS Enterprise, it was your job to lead all the away missions, or at least, orchestrate who was to assist, take care and protect those who were to be studying the alien lifeform of the day. It was a heady job, and you were a steadfast person. It was more than luck that you had come into the position, anyways; after a mission gone wrong, back on Earth in the army, Admiral Pike himself had transferred you himself into Starfleet, and working your way up unprecedently in the ranks, here you were. Telling the junior officers to not murmur amongst themselves about your liaising with a certain Lieutenant Commander.

Your job was exactly as the name entailed; you supervised, orchestrated, and undertook the security of all the Enterprise. If there was an away mission, you selected who was to stay, to go. If there was an attack, you commanded your officers to defend the lives of the personnel on the ship. So far into the five-year mission, though, there had been no attacks, and for that, you were eternally grateful.

As ex-military, you had a history of serving to protect those who could not protect themselves. But the work you did, it was not as simple as forgiving, and forgetting; the stains of bad memories and the nightmares lingered years on. Medically, it was known as post-traumatic stress disorder. Personally, it was a hindrance, but like all set-backs, you worked through them, one at a time.

“Hendorff, pay attention to your task at hand,” you ordered. In ten minutes, your security team were expected down to the landing party, and here they were, squabbling like a posse of children, over the outcome of holo-chess.

“Yes, Lieutenant Commander ________,” Hendorff stood to attention.

The communicator at your side went off, and at once, you answered. “Lieutenant Commander ________, head of Security.”

“__________! I missed you, great to hear from you! We’re all good down at the ship, send your team.” The chipper voice of Captain Kirk filled your ears. He might be as irresponsible as the best of them, but he was a darn lot smarter than what people thought him to be. “And give Cupcake my love.”

Beside you, Hendorff snarled, but before he could say a word, you snapped your communicator shut, and gave your subordinate an icy stare that settled his rising temper quick-smart. While your team were always the ones to go to the away missions, you opted to stay on board the ship. It was one of the conditions you had bartered for, and were allowed.

As the team were filing out to answer to the Captain’s summons, someone dropped their photon blaster, a shot escaping, shooting through the metal panelling as it hit the floor. At once, your blood ran cold, your eyes searching for cover, the words growing in your throat to save the troops you couldn’t on that day. The team were left standing there, looking to the Head of Security like you had three heads instead of one. Because you were frightened of a blaster.

“Team,” you whisper, voice wavering. “As you were. Captain is waiting.”

On they went, leaving you alone in the area. But there you stood, frozen. It was hard to turn it off once it started; remembering the smell of the warzone, the thickness of the air around your throat, how thick your throat was already from leading the platoon through No Man’s Land. You squeeze your eyes shut, but now, even with your eyes closed, you’re back where you were four years ago. Staring at the bodies –

Shakily, you hail the comms unit in the nearby engineering hub, your fingers unsteady on your communicator when you hear the familiar Scottish accent pick up the line.

“Aye, this is Scotty,” he answered, cheery as always. When you did not answer, he must have checked the I.D., and uttered, “Lass? You – I’ll be there in five. Hold onto ye’ horses.”

Slowly, you find yourself moving, ordering your feet to go left, right, left, right, until you’re standing over the bench, by the training rooms for drill exercises and education. You’re having a hard time focusing, but somehow, you make yourself sit on the bench, your head between your knees. As a pair of feet approach in the hallway, you remind yourself it’s not the enemy, it’s not the people who came to clean up the mess they made of your operation, it’s your good friend Montgomery Scott, and he’s here to help you. Here to help. Here to help you.

“Lass?” he calls out softly, his lilt filling the air like the smell of fresh shortbread on a summer morning. He sees you, and notices your position. “Oh, ________ … you’re safe. It’s okay.”

Glancing up, you see the red-shirted man before you. His hair is awry, eyes wide, hands dirtied by machinery and oil and general uncleanliness around his workstation. He’s here as you called, like always. Your eyes fill with water, and as he takes a seat beside you, the tears spill, hot and heavy.

“I’m supposed to oversee security,” you sob, your face turned to Scotty’s side, clutching his shirt tight, “but I get trigged when a damn shot is fired.”

“Oh, lovie,” he whispers, kissing your temple. He makes a noise, and unhurriedly, his hand works its way over your back, his hand working away the knots of stress you had built in there. “We all can’t be perfect, now, ________. You’re only human.”

You sniffle. “Scotty – I – you’re not being honest.”

He shakes his head. “Aye, but I am bein’ honest. You see, I’ve got a secret to tell ye.” He moves his lips as to whisper into the shell of your ear. “I’ve got anxiety, what, with all the foolishness the Cap’n pulls on the daily. I even take medications for it, when I remember. An’ Mr. Spock still has flashbacks after the destruction on Vulcan.” He discloses, and adds, “Oh. I shouldn’ have said that.”

You smile, but you’re still sad. “I just can’t – I couldn’t save my platoon.”

Scotty nods. “And dwelling on it won’t do ye’ any good. You’re my ________. Strong as ever.”

You’d lost count of the amount of times you’d have called Scotty over, when you have troubles with your PTSD, problems with socialising … complications sleeping at night. Perhaps your subordinates are right, about your visits to the engineering hub. How had you not noticed how often he came when you called?

“Your _________?” You repeat, shivering. Scotty notices the drop of temperature, and sheds his extra jacket from his shoulders, and drapes it over yours. “How – how about you escort me to Medbay, and then we’ll discuss the prospects of being one another’s?”

Your Scotsman grinned. “With pleasure, lass.”

#montgomery scott #montgomery scott x reader #scotty star trek #scotty/reader #scotty x reader #scotty star trek x reader #scotty star trek/reader #star trek fanfic #star trek alternate original series #star trek x reader #chaotic--lovely #pendragonfics #Female reader

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almaasi · 7 years ago

Photo

on the subject of gishwhes (i just posted the 2016 item list for future reference)

this was item #126.

PHOTO. 126 POINTS. On a desolate, dusty prairie, a ranch hand rescues the local school marm from a runaway horse. Create a drawing of Misha & the Queen of England in the Wild West. (You pick who plays the school marm and who plays the ranch hand.)

it’s been nearly a year since i drew this, but i’ve been meaning to talk about the experience ever since, because this drawing damn near nearly killed me.

okay, actually, let me rephrase that: i nearly killed myself, but this drawing saved me.

story under the cut (warning: suicidal ideation)

here’s some backstory. i’ve been essentially bedbound for the best part of the last decade, doing nothing but mastering the art of Destiel fanfic and trying not to die. i’ve had on-off bouts of depression, but none as bad as during winter. (personally, the first gishwhes was my favourite as it occurred in summer for me, so i could actually appreciate it. this year i’ve been taking vitamin d tablets, it seems to help A LOT??? 10/10 do recommend.)

so, at the end of 2015, i crashed, horribly, dramatically. i was non-functional for pretty much a full year afterwards. i couldn’t write, i couldn’t read, i couldn’t hold a conversation without screaming at an eardrum-bursting frequency. i just lay in bed and watched youtube videos end-to-end (enter dan and phil into my life, but that’s another story).

after 9 years of ~mystery illness~ (i.e. “are you sure you’re not making it up for attention?”) i was finally diagnosed with celiac disease in january 2016. i changed my diet immediately, but it took a full year before i saw even the slightest bit of improvement.

gishwhes 2016 occurred at the end of july, at the peak (gulley?) of my depression and seasonal affective disorder. i signed up on a team with @bakasara, not knowing anyone else there, and unable to contact them properly since they were communicating using an app that required a cellphone number, and living in the middle of nowhere without cellphone signal, that wasn’t something i had.

so i was a shell of a creature, isolated, and wildly depressed. i picked one item from the list and dedicated every waking, breathing moment to making it good. all i wanted was for this thing to make it to the gishwhes hall of fame. it didn’t, but frankly i got something far more valuable.

around this time, i often got into this sort of... panic mode, whenever i heard my own voice. i’d separate from myself, internally, and get so frustrated that i was speaking, how dare i, what the fuck is wrong with you, shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up

and i’d wrap my hands around my neck and try and strangle myself, shut myself up, go away, stop existing

my family was always nearby (they were the ones talking to me when i flipped out) and they’d always rescue me from my own hands. i could feel bruises on my windpipe, i’d cough for ages after

but... i had melatonin tablets so i could sleep. i knew they were there, in a white bottle in my room, i wrote it in a fic once, i’d just sleep and not have to wake up, like that melanie martinez song i had on repeat

but i didn’t because of my family, because i didn’t want to upset them. i asked them a lot, questions about whether it would actually be easier if i wasn’t here, because they dedicate so much time and effort to keeping me alive, and i don’t give anything back. i’m a drain on resources and time and money, i’m keeping my mother from achieving any of her own goals because she constantly has to look after me

of course my mother and sister reassured me i was needed for some reason or another, though my dad didn’t get my underlying point and continued to remind me how useless i am

about 6 days in to the hunt, i left my room - probably to get food, i don’t remember - and i chanced upon my family watching tv without me. i just started pacing, ranting about something, i don’t know what, probably my anxiety about this drawing not being good enough, not being perfect, being the one thing i thought i could do and i still can’t do it.

but without interruption i just started screaming. like, banshee/woman-dying-in-a-horror-movie/cat-getting-run-over kind of scream. i fell to my knees and kept screaming for a full hour, my sister’s arms around me.

my dad went to bed, my mother watched something on her portable dvd player, and my sister kept holding me gently while i screamed, writhing on the floor in my pyjamas.

then she got me some food, got me to wash my face, and took me back to bed.

the next day was the final day i had to work on this drawing before the hunt ended. if i went to sleep, i’d miss the deadline to submit it. so i was like... you know what, it’s not perfect. the figures are stiff, there’s no life in their eyes, and the colours are all wrong. but god dammit, i’m not wasting what i’ve done.

so i spent 3 more hours on finishing touches, staying up well beyond a sensible hour for someone so exhausted. i added the birds, some depth to the sky, changed the colours up a bit, signed it - then sat back and realised it wasn’t as shitty as i thought.

no, it wasn’t what i had in mind. yes, i’d spent a full week on one item. it wasn’t as good as @euclase but who am i kidding, i’m not @euclase. i did good for me.

i submitted it to the gishwhes site having learned one thing, which i typed into that little box on the site that prompts a quote:

“I’ve been extremely sick for a very long time, and I poured the very last of my emotional, mental, and physical strength into this art piece. Through my own force of will, I learned that perfection should come secondary to Not Giving Up.”

those words weren’t just about the drawing. they were also about my life.

and dear god, i am so glad i chose to live through that week. two months later i recovered enough to start writing regularly again, and within the remaining two months of 2016, i posted The Moonlighter and the Magician, Raising Hell in a Hotel, Fight and Fool Around, and last but not least, Welcome All Winchesters - which i count as one of my strongest pieces.

of course, by january 2017 i was depressed again, but Mostly in Silence was written from that dark place. the fic, as well as the team free will self-care checklist i made to go with it, helped drag me out of the dark place. (combined with the fact i finally started to see minor improvements to my health after a full year eating a gluten-free, maize-free diet.)

it seems i’m one of those people who is best saved by creating things. expressing feelings in some abstract, outward form. if you ever find yourself in a position like mine, i have one piece of advice:

make something. make anything.

it doesn’t have to be good. it doesn’t have to be perfect. you don’t need to be @euclase. you just need to be.

and continue to be.

always keep fighting.

you are not alone.

~ Elmie ♥

p.s. i’m on patreon!! $1 would help me support myself financially!!

patreon.com/almaasi

#gishwhes #Misha Collins #gishwhes 2016 #Elmie makes things #Elmie draws things #post of postiness #suicide cw #health stuff

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little-narnian-notes · 7 years ago

Note

This is totally off topic to anything, but how do you survive high school I need some tips. PLEASE.😂

Um??? This is not off topic??? I’m always here for you guys. If you need tips on how to survive high school, then come ask Aunt Cecily. I’m legit ALWAYS HERE if you need advice for support 💕💕💕

So with that being said, oh boy do I have some tips for you. I don’t know anything about you, anon (other then that you’re likely 13 or 14 and going into high school, or are currently in it and have like 3 years left). As a result, I really can’t give you more specific advice. I’m honestly just going to give you some tips that I know helped me or things I wish I would have done. I’ll tell you some general tips, and then academic related tips.

Here’s the general stuff:

1. Music is so important. Have a good selection of singers on your ipod/phone. My go-tos were Lily Kershaw, Evanescence, Porcelain Black, Colette Carr, Neon Hitch, Trading Yesterday, Beth Crowley, The Cab, One Direction, Little Mix, Emilie Autumn, Kerli, Mayday Parade, Skillet, Simple Plan, Two Steps From Hell, and a lot of miscellaneous songs from various artists. My taste in music has changed and grown, but I still listen to a lot of those artists. Because I was so socially isolated throughout high school, I was constantly listening to music. It made me feel less alone. I had a lot of songs that I could relate to because of what I was going through.

2. Figure out what you love doing. For me, I started to love writing when I very accidentally found out fanfiction. And I mean accidentally. I was googling “narnia stories” or something like that. When I was 12, I was reading this critical analysis/theory book about C.S. Lewis and Narnia, and I was dying to know what happened to Susan post-The Last Battle. I did not find that; I find out about fanfiction instead on this website called Quizilla. It’s not active/online anymore - it was shut down way back in late 2014 or early 2015 for reasons I can’t remember now. ANYWAY. I loved the stories I found on there. I started to write my own (one of them was a Lord of the Rings one and another was with my first OC, Blaze, falling in love with Skandar Keynes. *cringe* *sigh*).

I obviously haven’t stopped writing fanfiction, but it’s because I discovered writing for fun, indulging your own ideas and interests with words and characters, that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I mean, it’s also because I read this one specific fanfiction on there called Nothing’s Alright When You’re Bethrothed to Skandar Keynes (wow can you tell which celebrity 12 year old Cecily was OBSESSED with???). I was like, I WANT TO WRITE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Now I’m majoring in Creative Writing, because job security is for pussies (I’m kidding. I’m freaked out about what I’m gonna do post-college. Job security is some Good Shit, anon).

I also took a class in high school that was an elective, and it was called Video Productions. My teacher let me make my own vines, host some of my high schools’ weekly news segment, make a hunger games parody, etc. I also fell in love with making videos/filmmaking at that time. I knew that semester that that was something I was going to keep in my life and do something with.

Maybe it’s not as clear cut for you right now. But my point is that I discovered stuff in middle and high school that made me feel so damn alive and happy. Especially considering I was emotionally constipated and wanting to kill myself due to my major depressive disorder. So! Explore your interests. Give yourself room to create, learn, and develop skills. Useful ones and creative ones. Push yourself (safely) out of your comfort zone to try something that seems interesting. Even if you never do something like knitting or rock-climbing again, at least you tried it and figured out it’s not for you.

3. You’re in high school. You are not supposed to have your entire life planned. Some people know exactly what they want to do with their lives (go into medical field, go into law, do accounting, become a film director, etc) and that’s great. A lot of people change their minds. And then change it again. You are literally a teenager when you’re choosing a potential career in college, if college is where you decide to go. It is 100% okay to not have all the answers in life. It’s scary and can feel crippling. But guess what? It’s okay. It will be okay. Take deep breaths. Have a hot shower. Listen to your favorite song. But don’t wallow in anxiety forever. As I’ve said - start with figuring out what you love. Then figure out if you love it enough to make it a career, or if it’s just a hobby.

4. Have a job/be productive. After my freshmen, sophomore, and junior year of high school, I volunteered at a horse stable I took lessons at. It was a bunch of high schoolers helping out with summer camps meant for little kids. None of us got paid, but we knew we wouldn’t be financially compensated for our time going in. This guy I’ll call Micah ran the camp because he and his wife, Eva (also not her real name), owned the horses, barn, tack, jumping stuff, and some of the surrounding land. This was their business. In exchange for our four hours of volunteer work, we all got to have an hour or so to ride any of the horses for free and unsupervised (we were all advanced enough to do that and in a small enough group that it didn’t matter that we were left alone).

In my senior year of high school, I got paid like, $300 to write sports articles about the JV and varsity soccer teams at my school. Like give a detailed summary of each game for each time, upload them, and then I got paid in full at the end of the soccer time. That solidified how much I wanted to make writing my living, and that I didn’t want to be a journalist. I loved that job a lot, but I suspect part of why I liked it so much was because a) I knew it wouldn’t last forever, and b) I got to hang out with a lot of other girls my age. It made me feel like I had friends even if we rarely talked to each other.

I didn’t get my license during high school for a lot of reasons, none of which are relevant. If you don’t have money to pay for driving school, I’ve heard it’s a best to wait until you’re 18. That way all you have to do is get your permit, and then practice until you feel ready to take your driving test. Which I barely passed but lmao that’s a story for another time. Get your license when you’re ready or when you want it. Have a part-time job. Make some money. Make sure you SAVE your money. Don’t blow all of it on stupid stuff. Save half of your paycheck, anon.

5. High school doesn’t last forever. I’m not going to tell you some bullshit like “It gets better” (even though it does). Look, people can say that high school is only four years and doesn’t last forever, but if you’re going through a lot of rough shit in those four years, that sentiment doesn’t really help (well, in my own experience it didn’t). If you’re struggling with something like an eating disorder, parents who are divorcing, a death in your family, etc. it ends up sucking some ass to show up and care.

I think it’s more important to remember that you’re not alone. You can visit websites like 7 Cups of Tea to get support. You’re more resilient then you know. And you have more support around you then you know. There can be some dark times, but it’s possible to keep on keeping on until you find nuggets of hope and lots of help/support that help you out of your tunnel.

Also: high school only lasts four years. And that’s when most students start at 14 and graduate at 18. Those are not the best four years of your life. It’s the rest of your life that’s fucking amazing.

6. You don’t have to go to college. That’s not your excuse to be a burn-out, though, anon. If you don’t want to go to college, or can’t afford it, I’d suggest looking into going to a vocational school. From what I understand of friends who are currently in them or have graduated from them, you learn a specific skill/trade and can immediately go into the workplace you were trained for. It’s also apparently not as pricey as college. You could also consider going to community college. You can take a year or two off to do something with yourself, and figure out what’s best for you. Maybe it includes trade school or college, and maybe it doesn’t. It’s okay either way.

—

Below are two extensive school cheat sheets that tumblr user jwstudying put together. They’re more conscise and thorough then I can currently be (because it’s like. 2 a.m. where I am and I’m having trouble staying awake). I haven’t gotten a chance to look through all the stuff jwstudying provided, so I’m not sure if all the links work. Hopefully they do.

I hope all of this helps, anon! Good luck with high school. Message me again if you want to talk or need more advice.

CHEAT SHEET 1

soothe yourself | self care

stationery

printables

helpful sites

music for studying | more music

note taking methods | another one

studying methods

how to learn a language

ultimate guide for writing | writing resources | writing helps | tips for writers

how do I study for…

bullet journals | a guide to bullet journals

the testing effect

everything you need to succeed in school

time management

organisation

how to annotate | another one

guide to aesthetically pleasing notes | improve your handwriting

create a study guide

resources | helpful websites | there’s an app for that

get more out of google

productivity resources | 14 apps to become productive | how to stay productive

lazy night owl school survival guide

apps for a better life | useful websites for students

masterpost of studying tips

social media citation guide

college masterpost | another one | starting college on the right foot | packing for college | how to survive in college

how to ace that college interview

food to stay motivated | motivation guide

how to stay awake in class

balancing a healthy lifestyle

studying on your period

huge masterpost for the semester

a very long list to help you survive school

not enough time to finish an assignment?

100 delicious cheap recipes

53 posts for students

high school cheat sheet

CHEAT SHEET 2:

back to school masterlist

tips for exams

ultimate back to school tips

tips for the new school year

4 legal ways to get free textbooks

essential productivity apps

actual first time college advice | tips for lectures | how to take lecture notes

study breaks | studying hacks

bet your teachers never taught you this

how to take organised notes

text book tips

tips to make school life easier

how to do cover letters

studying a foreign language tips

dyslexia friendly fonts

writing about royal characters

language learning sites

tips for effective studying

travel cheap

23 editing tips

useful apps for students

words to describe someone’s voice

Joss Whedon’s writing tips | writing references

50 things to ask your character before you start writing

stop using google.com to search information

life hacks for school

how to write an essay

8 basics of creative writing | fantasy guide | songs for creating stuff

for crime writers

dear writers

a high school teacher’s list of 100 wisest words

confused what to underline, italicize and when to use quotation marks?

feeling anxious for school?

make pretty banners | another one | and another one | one more | okay last one i promise

how to study like a harvard student

using one note to take notes | another one

how to get shit done

things i wish people had told me when i was a freshman

handwriting reference

in class notes reference

20 things I found out about studying last year | things to do remember when studying

revising for maths

abbreviations for note taking | 2

12 things i learnt during 12 years of school

transition words

how to study from textbooks

how to make history timelines

what to do if you fail a class

backpack essentials

studying 101: how to stay focused, motivated, and on track.

secret study tips | top tips for studying in college

ultimate studyblr guide

hey, school’s hard

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romancevsreality-blog · 8 years ago

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vanderpump rules, season five, episode nineteen: i hate it when jax is right

Welcome back!

You look gorgeous!

Jax shows up at Tom’s apartment for egg smoothie time, because of course Tom Sandoval is the kind of friend who will make you a beet smoothie with a raw egg in it when you come over. They talk about Tom Schwartz’s triplet brothers, who, two days before the wedding, are not coming. I know Katie1 claims she planned this wedding in eight weeks, but this is family. It’s not even edited to try to make any sense of it all. Jax and Sandoval are spending $1500 on tickets for Tom’s brothers to come as a surprise. It’s a nice surprise and all, but… shouldn’t Tom have allotted some of that $50k wedding money for flights and accommodations for his own family? Literally, the money Katie spent on ugly ass tea towel/cum rag wedding invitations should have been spent making sure Tom’s family was there. As if I needed more of a reason to hate Katie, this one feels the most valid.

Kristen, Brittany, Stassi, and Scheana all arrive at the alterations shop to try on their bridesmaids dresses, and I have zero opinions about them.

Y’all know that’s a straight up lie - however, I don’t think these are the worst bridesmaids dresses I’ve ever seen. They’re grey satin, with a halter neck that Brittany is busting out of, and a slit so high these girls definitely can’t wear underwear. The fabric looks cheap, and the lace-up silver heels don’t help matters much. I love the color, the pockets and the length, though and yes, Katie - it is hard to find a dress that’s suitable for eight different body types, but maybe next time don’t have so many fucking bridesmaids? Maybe?2

Alas, we get further clues into how Katie and Tom funded this wedding - a sponsored scene at a Dylan’s Candy Bar where Tom’s collecting candy for the favors! We’ve already seen this once, with Scheana and her wedding, so I hope Dylan Lauren is getting her moneys’ worth. Jax picks out candy corn, as if I didn’t hate Jax enough.

Let me talk to you about candy corn. Candy corn is the god damn fucking devil’s candy. It’s not even candy. I firmly believe Yankee Candle sells all their extra wax-bits to candy companies and they’re like “Oooh, we have stock for next year’s candy corns!!!” What the hell flavor are candy corn even supposed to have? Sugary death? You know who probably liked candy corn? John Wayne Gacy. That guy who kept his daughter in the basement for years and had children with her. Steve Bannon. There are a million other ways to get a sugar craving fixed other than eating candy corn. Go make out with Mrs. Butterworth, for god’s sake. Candy corn is the reason we have the president we do. Candy corn is the reason we cannot have good things. It tastes like asshole. No, candy corn. No.3

Jax redeems himself immediately by loving on sour belts. I love all sour candies. I know Tom Sandoval is all “sugar-free, blah blah blah” but there’s zero fat content in Sour Patch candies. My friend with a massive eating disorder in high school taught me that. Sure, it’s a ton of sugar and chemicals that probably aren’t great for you, but zero fat. I’d rather eat that than ever eat a sugar-free Lemonhead.

I have opinions about candy. They are controversial. Mostly that Snickers are overrated and Butterfingers don’t get the proper respect they deserve. When did this become a candy blog?

Stassi was having anxiety about not having a date to the wedding, but she’s not concerned anymore. She just wants to have fun with her friends, and weddings are also great places to meet eligible bachelors. And she’s right and all, but she’s also… going to the wedding of her two best friends? I doubt there is going to be anyone there that Stassi hasn’t met, and if she hasn’t met them… they’re probably someone’s date. She’s fooling herself. Anyway, Scheana’s still trying to pretend that her marriage is perfect and there is some editor just relishing every time they have footage of her saying things like, “Shay and I went to therapy ONCE, and we never needed to go again. We learned to communicate.” Yeah, like how he communicated that he was stealing all your money and disappearing, Scheana? Like that? The cameras cut to Stassi looking hilariously bewildered, just like the rest of America. In all seriousness, though, watching the giddiness and excitement they all have as the wedding gets closer just makes me even more angry. They are ALL, and especially Katie, excited for a wedding and not even a marriage. Even Tom Schwartz is like, “All we need to do is get up there and do the damn thing,” as if they’re going to play chess and not make a life-long4 commitment after you “do the damn thing”. He’s excited to get drunk with his friends in a suit, Katie’s excited to get drunk with her friends in a dress, and neither of them seem to be particularly excited about being legally bound to the other for the rest of time.5

We’re back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, where Katie and Scheana are talking to Jax, and we get another moment of Scheana Schadenfreude when she’s like, “yeah, our first year of marriage was shitty, but at least we got through it now instead of ten years down the line where there are kids around.” Clearly that didn’t work out. Scheana wants to go to a fertility doctor, though, becuase hopefully by the next year, she’ll be pregnant and have a house.

I AM CRYING LAUGHING. OH MY GOD. And I laughed even harder when Jax, who is so old that his mom went into a shallow hole in the ground covered in animal skin and his dad pushed on her belly to get him out like the polar Eskimos, was like, “I’m pretty sure Shay has to be in the same ROOM as Scheana to make a baby.” Sex Ed, with Jayson “Jax Taylor” Couchy.

There’s a completely unnecessary scene of Lisa Vanderpump riding a horse up to Sexy Unique Restaurant, lead to another scene of Lisa pretending she has any involvement with the regular day-to-day ongoings of the restaurant. She catches a glass of sangria headed to a table, and damn, if that isn’t a short pour. There isn’t even any fruit in there. Lisa claims that Sexy Unique Restaurant has “the best pours”, but this articleshows me that their most popular drink has exactly 2 oz of vodka, and according to my bartender brother, that’s a very generous pour. I’m genuinely shocked, considering Sexy Unique Restaurant is basically just a tourist trap in WeHo. Good for you, Lisa, giving your customers what they deserve. For the prices they charge, I BETTER be getting a fucking double. Jax admits he fucked up - but not after at least trying to blame someone else by asking if someone drank out of it, Classic Jax - and then decides that at work, in the middle of his shift, he’s going to tell Lisa about Scheana’s decision to freeze some eggs. This seems entirely appropriate. Jax just doesn’t think it’s a good idea because... where is Shay, anyway? No one’s seen him. He’s been cynical about their marriage since day one, and mostly just wants to make sure that Scheana has the support system she needs.

Does anyone else think Jax and Scheana banged on the DL? Anyone else? Or is this the way Jax treats women he hasn’t slept with - with kindness, consideration, and overall decency?

Lisa says what she should be saying every time one of these people comes to her to talk about someone else - “It’s not my business until she makes it my business,” and tells Jax to get back to work.

Stassi’s storyline this season is Single Sexy Stassi In The City, and so she decides that she needs to have a photoshoot as a “pick-me-up”. When I need a “pick-me-up”, I go on ASOS and spend my entire paycheck. Or I go to ABC Kitchen and yell “GIMME ALLLLL THE CRAB TOAST!” Or I take a four hour nap. I don’t have a photoshoot. She’s going to be wearing a polka-dot mesh bodysuit and two other outfits. It’s... not the most flattering look, but she rocks it in the best way possible.

Remember last week when I was like, “Where is Lala? Where is James?” As soon as James came back, I just felt like screaming. Just the sound of his accent is so grating to me. If I didn’t have to write this blog, I would just fast forward through it. So instead, I’m gonna get a beer so I can suffer through this. James may not drink anymore, but I have to drink in order to tolerate him.

Okay, I’m back, and I have my beer. James is meeting with his walking vocal fry of a girlfriend and her mother and her sister, who I could have sworn was Kelly Dodd from Real Housewives of Orange County. I hope someone gets called a cunt at this dinner, and the likelihood is even higher now. James tells us the difference between Raquel and Kristen - Raquel is a queen, Kristen is “like a hooker that you fuck on the hood of your BMW in a car park,” which in case you forgot - ACTUALLY HAPPENED BETWEEN KRISTEN AND JAMES. James, it’s not an insult if it actually happened and you didn’t pay her. Basically, James admits that he doesn’t have a job because he got fired for having a hair-trigger temper and couldn’t stop getting into fights and his job. Remember: he’s saying this to his girlfriend’s mother and sister. If my boyfriend admitted any of this to my family over dinner, my mom would look at me, and say, “Who is this unemployed white boy that can’t even hold down a bus boy job in their mid-twenties, Amanda, are you smoking crack? Get him outta here.” and I would do so promptly and then sit down and finish my pesto pasta6 while we listen to Luther Vandross.

James tries to smooth it over by being like, “I love your daughter, and I love you all too, you’re my family,” when her mom shows some (deserved) skepticism. He actually cries when they say they trust him (WHY) and he says that he sees a future with Raquel. I am cackling. Can you spend your life with a vocal fry? I mean, Kanye West did it, so why can’t the White Kanye West7?

Katie is wearing one of the worst outfits I have ever seen her wear - a lilac maxi dress over a navy t-shirt - and they’re getting ready to head up to the wedding venue. Another sign that the planning of this made no sense - they’re bringing the cake up with them, two days before the wedding even is set to take place. That cake is gonna be nasty by the time they cut into it. They’re spending $50k on a wedding but not... having... the cake delivered? Tom wears fucking flip-flops while carrying it down the steps and nearly falls, and I’m thinking, “YOU COULD HAVE PAID SOMEONE TO CARRY THIS FOR YOU.”

I am straight up being Jessica Fletcher with my investigation into the Strange Planning of This Wedding, and I am LIVING.

They’re bringing a pinata with them, and Stassi’s like, “Knowing Tom and Katie, that pinata is probably full of condoms, gummy bears, Ninja Turtle action figures... maybe some weed.” And I’m like, “Do we know this about Tom & Katie? Do we?” I’ve never known them to be that kind of fun couple, unfortunately. They’ve never shown us them as that kind of couple.

Back at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Jax is behind the bar, Brittany is asking about goat cheese balls8, and... LALA’S BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s been gone for two months, and Ariana is shook and not particularly happy to see her. Lala’s got a lot to say to Ariana that she didn’t feel appropriate or okay with saying over text - mostly how sorry she is for not showing up to her birthday. She says that sometimes when things get tough, she shuts down. She admits she’s not the easiest person to be friends with because of it. She’s in actual tears when this happens. Lala came by to tell Lisa to her face that she’s not going to work at Sexy Unique Restaurant anymore - I mean, I doubt she still had a job, but it’s nice to... get closure, I guess?

Lisa’s pretending to work at a computer when Lala comes in, and Lisa, much like Ariana, is SHOOK. Lisa does the classic Lisa thing where she reminds people of how much she’s done for them, but also reminds her that yeah - if you have a job, that’s a responsibility you can’t just disappear from. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Mindy Kaling - “Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” I’ve suffered from some form of depression since I was eleven years old. In the fourteen years since my first suicide attempt, I’ve learned to cope with it. Some days it’s literally impossible for me to get out of bed. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears at work. But I also have this problem wherein which I care far too much about what others think of me, and live in chronic fear of disappointing anyone, so I show up. I come in, and I smile, and pretend like everything’s okay. Sometimes you have to do it, and it always sucks. Lala apologizes to Lisa, who basically is like, “thanks, but you weren’t totally honest about what was going on in your life.” Lala assumes she’s talking about her personal life, and admits that sometimes she makes the wrong decisions. She starts crying and admits what Lisa wanted her to - she suffers from anxiety, and that makes her life hard to deal with. I’m crying along with her. I get this so much.

I personally think it’s massively unfair that I can’t call out of work “depressed” or “anxious”. I’m mentally ill, I’m sick. But because no one can catch depression or anxiety, that’s not a valid excuse. The stigma around mental illness has made it so that it’s hard to even admit to other people that’s what’s going on. I wish I could tell my friends, “I’m sorry, I’m anxious today, I can’t hang out.” I mean, I could, but I fear the ramifications of me admitting that. It’s hard to admit to others when you’re less than okay. When I get overwhelmed, I shut down. I stop talking to people. I go on Do Not Disturb and I lay in my bed. This is my coping mechanism, and it’s not a great one. The cruelest thing is that Lisa seems to dismiss this as if it’s just “Oh, young, kooky Lala, at it again!” and not as the real issue that it is.

I hope Lala’s getting the help and support she needs. I really do.

In the car on the way up to the wedding venue, we find out that Tom Schwartz’s dad isn’t coming along with (so he thinks) his brothers. Meanwhile, Kristen and her overly-manicured boyfriend, Carter9 are packing their bags, when Kristen drops the accidental surprise bomb about Tom’s brothers after being told by Brittany early in the episode. Jax had gotten mad at Brittany for telling Kristen, but... Jax actually has a worse track record with keeping secrets than Kristen did. Kristen was prepared to take the secret that she fucked Jax to the grave.

Katie and Tom have arrived at their Woodsy Elegance Wedding venue, where someone carries the cake, and they’re given the shocking amount of their wedding. Another clue as to the fact that Bravo is probably paying for this - they would have to at least put down a final payment two WEEKS before the wedding, not two days before. The grand total for their wedding is $51,462 and change. Remember how Tom was like, “oh, wow, I’m dolphinately not spending $50k for a wedding”?? He didn’t, technically. And they’re paying by check, which is the EASIEST WAY TO TELL THEY’RE NOT PAYING FOR THIS WEDDING THEMSELVES.

Let’s also talk about the things that aren’t included in this:

Tom & The Groomspeople’s custom suits

Those ugly ass $18 tea towel invites

BOOZE

WEED

Cake

Various forms of entertainment

Bridal party gifts and favors

Flowers

Photography

This is an $85,000 wedding, at least.

Kristen and ugh, Carter10 show up, and Tom is lamenting writing a $20,000 check when that’s the same amount he owes on his student loans. Here he is, spending it all on a party. But here’s the thing, Tom - NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU. You’re entirely complicit in this. I know your parents went bankruptbut... you can totally just say, “Hey, why don’t we put this money towards me NOT being in debt?” They probably make $20,000 extra a year just doing stupid Instagram sponsorships. They can afford it. But this won’t come up again in a fight, no sir.

Speaking of Rachael O’Brien, she came with Stassi to the wedding! Apparently she and Stassi got lost driving up in the dark and were without cell phone service, but the camera in their car was still working, so they probably weren’t that scared. She’s surprised no one cares. If people cared, it would have been more than just a blip in the episode, Stass.

It’s the day before Katie and Tom’s wedding, and they’re all eating breakfast. Tom Sandoval did the most Tom Sandoval thing, which is losing his suit and that subsequently missing his flight because of it. God, I love you, Tom Sandoval. We hear that Tom’s dad isn’t coming to the wedding because he hates flying, his brothers can’t afford to come, and his sister can’t come because she’s working - in case you forgot, Tom and Katie got married on a Wednesday.11

We see everyone in else in LA getting ready - Jax is anxious because Tom’s brothers aren’t the most reliable of people, and Scheana and Shay are... tense. Oh my god. Shay is so clearly over this group, this show, and definitely over Scheana. But it’s also strange because.. She just asked him if he wanted anything to eat or drink up there at the house, because Kristen was asking, and he exploded. Huh. At Reno-Tahoe Airport, Lisa Vanderpump arrives with Ken, Giggy, and another fluff ball12 with Pandora and Jason. They’re staying at a resort, and Lisa is astonished by the... woodsyness of it all. She and Ken discuss whether or not Tom’s going to go through with it all. We know he does, but they’re valid in their arguments - Ken mentions that yeah, they’ve never seen Tom complete any task. Ever.

Back at the house, Jax, Brittany, and Ariana arrive, sans Sandoval13, and we learn that Sandoval got to the gate right as the doors were closing, so he missed his flight and will miss tubing that day. Meanwhile, Jax and Brittany are sleeping in the parlour room, and guess what?

The Schwartz Triplets missed their flight. Of course.

To Be Continued...

See you tomorrow!

Random Thoughts From The Desk Of Amanda:

Katie is the definition of “just because it’s trendy, doesn’t mean you should do it.”

I love that they made zero reference to the fact that we’ve seen them at Dylan’s Candy Bar Before - with Scheana.

Has no one told Tom Sandoval that sugar-free candy gives you the shits? Someone send him a bag of Haribo Sugar-Free Gummy Bears.

I never thought it possible that there could be someone less motivated that Tom Schwartz, but... his brothers seem to be a mess.

And by Katie, I mean BRAVO PRODUCTION because none of the planning of this wedding is making any sense. ↩︎

This whole wedding has been an exercise in Katie showing off how Pretty and Popular she is. Most people don’t use their weddings to show off to their high school bullies, but then again, most people aren’t on reality television. ↩︎

Next time on Romance vs. Reality, AMANDA GOES IN ON PEEPS. FUCK YOU, PEEPS. WHAT DID BIRDS DO TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT? ↩︎

Or in their case, twenty-six-month-long - I’m giving them a strong estimate, knowing they probably won’t last that long. ↩︎

God bless the people I associate with, because I don’t think any of them would get married just for a party. It helps not to romanticize things like that. ↩︎

Is it basil season yet? I would die for some of my mother’s pasta. ↩︎

I have refused to call James this on my blog because he calls himself that, but... I really couldn’t help myself. ↩︎

I have a high standard of cheese that has been deep fried - I will fight anyone over the last Three Cheese Ball from Olga’s Kitchen, a metro Detroit classic - but I weirdly doubt the goat cheese balls at Sexy Unique Restaurant are anything special. Now I want Olga’s, though. God damn it. ↩︎

Carter has literally done nothing this season but I fucking HATE him. I love a put-together dude, I am so pro-metrosexuality or really, men putting effort into their looks - hell I adore Tom Sandoval for doing so - but god, I really feel like Carter spends hours on his face. I bet Kristen is always on top when they have sex because Carter spent all his energy shaving. I hate Carter and his white supremacist haircut. ↩︎

Next season, I hope Carter goes with Rachael O’Brien and Vail Bloom into the Vanderpump Dungeon of Doom. ↩︎

Straight up though - why aren’t these people in the bridal party, either? In either of my brothers’ hypothetical weddings (that will never happen but still) if their respective partners don’t put me in their wedding parties... I mean. That’s lifetime beef. That’s forever beef. I would never say that directly to them, but... some things you never forget. ↩︎

Sometimes I’m worried about the lack of agency Lisa Vanderpump’s dogs seem to have. ↩︎

Sansdoval. ↩︎

#vanderpump rules #reality tv #tv recaps #this recap is so late #ONE DAY I'LL GET ONE #let's call it an amuse bouche

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luciana-silentstar · 8 years ago

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Ay guys. Been putting off updating here for awhile because

A) life has been super busy and I've been exhausting B) been avoinding people bc of above reason and C) the Christmas party was an obvious flop so I've felt guilty over that.

I was going to go through with it obviously and I REALLY wanted to, but it just didn't work out. the one day that would've worked the horse show was rescheduled to and other than that, not enough people showed interest after the initial post which was a bit discouraging tbh and didn't really help the anxiety of "oh god I might actually go through with this". I'm not upset or anything though! Life happens and people get busy and I'm usually super quiet anyways, so I understand. It just really wasn't worth it when I had maybe three people keep up with it when none were people I knew too well.

Life has been on and off super busy and we had to move barns and one of my horses is moved already to the fanciest freaking barn I've ever been too so this has been awesome and also incredibly stressful and a bit depressing and emotions etc. I get to keep my horses but they can't be at the same place rn bc finances and what not so that kinda bites but you know.

I have a crap ton of messages to get to and it’s stressing me the heck out bc I feel guilty enough and I have messages from a bunch of “real life” peeps that I need to get back to and this is a really busy month and I’m just kinda : ))))) my way through it lol. Life is good rn though! Just.. stressful haha. That + like the five? Different anxiety disorders I have really isn’t making stuff easy but I’m doing my best.

So once again an apology post bc I suck and prob won’t be an active member of the community like ever but man I’m trying. I’m gonna do my best to come to Reed’s meetup though!! I hope tons of people are planning to be there bc I’ve missed meetups so much and would love to see some old friends again + maybe make some new ones!

I hope everyone’s doing okay this year. Gotta get into my tumblr messages soon and maybe hop back on Frost eventually but right now my entire body hurts and my brain is all fuzzy so ima chill and rest the rest of the night and self medicate(AKA inhale handfuls of chocolate). Thanks for putting up with me <3

#updates

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wanderinglotus7 · 3 years ago

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Bulimia: Not Just for Skinny White Girls

This morning I browsed a few videos I saved on Facebook and came across this one video about eating disorders. This video was an episode from Taraji P. Henson’s Facebook show called A Piece of Mind where she and a friend discuss various topics related to mental health especially in the Black community. One of the guest is actress Gabourey Sidibe from the movie Precious and the television show Empire. Growing up, Sidibe has struggled with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Because of her depression and severe anxiety, bulimia became her coping mechanism. It wasn’t until around the age of 19 she decided to receive mental health services.

Like most of us in the Black community, when Sidibe brought attention to her mental health struggles with her family their response was not the most supportive. Typical Black folk, “You can’t struggling. Speak with God, and everything will be okay...Did you pray about it? What did the pastor tell you?”. All of it is nothing new to me. Religion can give us strength and encouragement and can be a source of hope, but it’s not the one cure all for all our problems. Like how taking one pill or medication is the magic solution to all our physical and mental health problems. I still don’t understand why counseling and anything else similar to mental health services is frowned upon within the Black community. I said this before, and I will say it again, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH COUNSELING. SOMETIMES YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND GOD IN YOUR LIFE!

In our society there are many misconceptions and stigmas associated with mental illnesses. With eating disorders, they are portrayed and perceived as an “white person” problem. Eating disorders are a “white woman” problem. WRONG!!! Eating disorders, like many other mental disorders, can and do affect all people from various backgrounds (no one is excluded). Not everyone who has an eating disorder is female, white, thin, and comes from a high economic status. And not all eating disorders are focused on “weight” specifically “Weight lose”. For most it is about control; gaining some sense of control within having a chaotic or dysfunctional life. Also, most people who have an eating disorder, bulimia, are not physically extremely thin. In some cases, individuals with bulimia, like myself, are either of average weight or overweight. Just because we may look healthy on the outside does not mean we are not healthy on the inside (biologically and psychological). In fact, eating disorders have the 2nd highest mortality rate of any mental illness. So, if someone tells you that they believe they may be suffering from or do have an eating disorder, please do not dismiss them. Dismissing their concerns causes more harm and can lead to deadly short and long- term consequences.

As of May, in consideration of my therapist, I started a food log. In it I keep record of how many times a day I eat, what I ate, my physical activity, and my thoughts. So far, I have been doing a good job. And I noticed that I probably have some serious health issues like I would wake up with server headaches every morning, I would have a constant craving for carbs and/or anything sweet, dehydration, digestive problems, irritability, dizziness, and bad charlie horses to name a few. Honestly, I only eat one real meal a day with the rest of my food-intake based on “snack food”. Along with water, I’m either drinking tea or iced coffee based drinks. No bueno. Recently, I have been doing better by increasing my water consumption and activity level. Now I am eating two real meals a day instead of one. I have not purged (self-induce vomiting or laxatives) in weeks. Hand clap for me! Last week, I stepped onto a scale for the first time since December. I lost an overall 7 pounds since then. I felt proud at first, but then feelings of shame and doubt began to overwhelm. Did I lose this weight because of the life choices I am making? Or is the weight lost due to my bulimia, stress, and anxiety? Who knows?

I am satisfied that I feel a little more comfortable in my body. I’m looking forward to wearing cute outfits like rompers. I do not guilt myself too much for thinking about or eating food. This is the first time in months that my anxiety has been at its lowest, even though I am still busy with school and work. The warmer weather has been a good mood booster as well. I AM TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF!! That’s what matters the most. Another milestone in my recovery, I have scheduled an appointment to see a doctor at the beginning of July (hopefully everything is in good shape).

#BlackMenatlHealthMatters eatingdisorders

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whydoyouthinkileft · 8 years ago

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from this

“ The following profile was created for females who are self-diagnosing or considering formal diagnosis and to assist mental health professionals in recognizing Asperger Syndrome in adult females.” It’s a very long list, and I bolded those traits that my Jemma shows - I also brought number 17 on top because it’s about the challenges she faces and they are so telling

this is for my own headcanon, the list isn’t meant to be taken for self-diagnosis - read the link, in any case, if you want to know more I might make a verse where I explore this, even if for now I’m still researching on the topic - I was going to say that I’d keep it in its own verse and not in canon because as always I don’t want to force my own headcanons on people unless they agreed earlier, but there is probably no need for that, given that the only difference is literally that she’d mention it, her behaviors will be the same in canon and in that verse, and also the same I’ve always written for her, the only difference would be exploring people’s reactions

I was going to erase the ones that don’t fit her, but maybe people are curious/want to do it for their characters

you don’t have to read this to understand Jemma, this is just if you are curious, I wanted to make a list for myself first

17. Challenges

May be difficult to understand subtle emotions, for e.g., when someone is jealous or embarrassed, uninterested or bored

Keeping up appearances, passing for normal

Managing emotions

Learning difficulties

May get very upset with unexpected change

May not be able to tell when someone is flirting with her

Challenging to work and function within a group

Great difficulty and very sensitive to conflict, stress, arguments, fighting, wars, gossip and negativity

Social-chit chat, small talk, conversation without a “function”, maintaining friendships and relationships, social anxiety or social phobia

May like or prefer to be by herself as much as possible

May find it challenging to understand what others expect of her (when they don’t directly tell her at work)

Being taken advantage of due to naivety, innocence and trusting others too much

Boundaries (usually when younger)

May have difficulty filling out forms, doing paperwork (completing taxes), budgeting money

May have difficulty recognizing or remembering faces (prosopagnosia)

1. Cognitive/Intellectual Abilities

Tend to have high average to genius intelligence, often (but not always) with significant splits between verbal and perceptual reasoning abilities, lower working memory and/or processing speeds, learning disabilities (for e.g., dyscalculia, dyslexia, reading comprehension)

Superior long-term memory

Weaker short-term memory

May need academic accommodations in University

A distinct learning profile consisting of a spikey profile of strengths and weaknesses, peaks and troughs, learning disabilities/differences

Often have a rigid negative thinking, inflexible black or white thinking style or rogidity of thinking

Context Blindness

2. Education/University Life

May have dropped out of high school and gone back later, or may have repeated a grade. May have unfinished or partial degrees, may have many finished degrees, many have Doctorate of PhD level qualifications. Many have taken longer to achieve their education, as compared to their peers.

May have a history of enrolling and attending university classes, followed by dropping out of classes or semesters. Sometime later, she then re-enrols/attends later on, in life. This is usually due to be overloaded and overwhelmed. A history of deferring exams, not attending classes, dropping out of classes or programs, is common.

May have repeated high school or courses OR dropped out completely.

A history of many doctors and counsellors visits throughout university life, without any significant improvement

Difficulty taking the same amount of courses or classes as her peers

May get lost on campus easily, lose possessions, be late for classes or exams

3. Career/Work

Often drawn to the helping, artistic or animal professions, and often an “expert” in her chosen field. I know of many Aspienwomen who are successful in the following careers: Artists, singers, actors, poets, writers, teachers, psychologists, psychiatrists, special needs teachers/consultants, horse trainers/whisperers, doctors, scientists, accountants, authors, childcare workers, models, comedians, artists, computer-related specialists, animal handlers or zoo keepers, university professors, nurses, psychics/mediums, entrepreneurs and photographers.

May miss days of work due to social exhaustion

May find great difficulty attending/participating in staff meetings, lunch breaks, work social events

May make up excuses for not attending work/staff functions

May have a history of being unable to cope with work/employment environments, often moving from job to job, especially in younger adult years

Hard-working conscientious worker

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

May become frustrated/stressed if asked to do too many things at once

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

Tries hard to please others

May burn bridges (for e.g., walk out or quit jobs or relationships without notice)

4. Social and friendships/relationships

Preference for one-on-one social interactions, single close friendships

Need more time away from people than their peers (solitude)

May experience stress, anxiety and confusion in social group or group work situations

Strong preference to engage in conversation related to their special interest

Strong dislike for social chit-chat, gossip, nonsense, lies or conversation that lacks a ‘function’ to it, but some are known to engage in it themselves

A history of being bullied, teased, left out and/or not fitting in with same-age peers, unless she had/has similar “Aspie” friends

An intense dislike of lies, but may lie herself

Has an ability to socialize, however is unable to do so for long periods of time. Suffers from “social exhaustion” or a “social hangover” when socializing too much. The hangover can last hours to days, which can be debilitating

Experience great difficulty with conflict, arguments, being yelled at, fighting, war

Has great difficulty asserting herself, asking for help, setting boundaries

May need to drink to be able to socialize

May currently have or have experienced Post-Traumatic Stress, often due to being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, mistreated, and/or mismedicated.

Social Skills differences – is exceptionally good one-on-one and presenting to groups, however has difficulty working within group situations

May find herself in social situations or relationships that she is unhappy with, but not know how to remove herself from them

History of being taken advantage of by others, even though she has taken the appropriate business, legal or social advice from others

Often bored in social situations or parties and/or does not know how to act in social situations

May say “yes” to social events, then later make up an excuse as to why she cannot attend, often staying home in solitude (reading a book or engages in her special interest)

Often prefers to be engaged in her special interest, rather than socializing

May be considered the “black sheep” of the family

Others consider her different, odd, eccentric or “weird” by others

May feel like she has to act normal” to please others OR does not care at all about fitting in

Copies, mimics, acts in order to fit in and make others like her

A people pleaser, but then may burn bridges suddenly (for e.g., quit relationships), as they have difficulty managing conflict

Females appear to be better than males at masking the traits of autism in social situations. However, girls are less able to do so in unfamiliar settings.

May be considered a “loner” OR may have many acquaintances, but no real friends

Social Naivity, may believe anything told to them by others (gossip, stories, jokes and teasing), difficulty interpreting the intentions of others, Misinterprets other peoples intention, often jumping to conclusions about others

5. Communication

Difficulties communicating her thoughts and feelings, in words, to others, especially if anxious, stressed or upset. Often can type or write her thoughts much better

May dislike asking others for help, be unable to ask or not know how to ask for help

May be passive, not know how to assert her boundaries in a healthy manner

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to

May point out other people’s mistakes

May give too much detail and end up boring others unintentionally

May ask embarrassing questions (usually when younger)

Unusual voice (flat, monotone, high-pitched, child-like)

Tendency to take things literally, missing what people are trying to say

May talk too loudly or too softly, often unaware that she is doing so

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

Poor pragmatic language skills

6. Physiology/Neurology

A. Highly Sensitive

Highly sensitivity, may not be able to listen to or watch the news, listen to the radio, read the newspaper, watch violent shows/movies or horror movies, see hurt or injured animals, abuse, war, trauma, are sensitive to the emotions and “emotional atmosphere” of the environment, experience referred emotion and psychic “6th sense” abilities, may have strong intuitive and/or psychic abilities

B. Sensory Processing Disorder/Condition

May have sensory sensitivities in the following areas: hearing, vision, taste, touch, smell, balance, movement, intuition

May be very sensitive to pain or have a high pain threshold

May notice how food tastes or feels and one may be more important than the other

May be clumsy or un-coordinated

May dislike loud noises and/or be overwhelmed or stressed by bright lights, strong smells, coarse textures/clothing, sirens close by or people too close behind her.

May find children hard to cope with due to crying, screaming or other loud noises

Sensitive to the way clothes feel and how they may be more important than how they look

May have to withdraw, isolate herself when overwhelmed by her senses

May not be able to tolerate sounds, sights, smells, textures, movement that she dislikes

May not like to be hugged, cuddled or held. “I only like to hug if it’s my decision”

Can get upset or distressed if unable to follow a familiar route when going somewhere

Things that should feel painful may not be (bruises but not know how they got there, due to clumsiness)

In social situations, the nervous system tends to be overwhelmed easily, leading to withdrawal (for e.g., wander off to a quiet spot at a party, play with children or animals)

Strong hunger may disrupting her mood and/or ability to focus

She may notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art, and pieces of music.

C. Anxiety, stress and/or anger. Recent brain scanning research points towards enlarged Amygdala’s role in intense emotions, anxiety and anger

D. May have auditory processing issues

E. May have Irlen Syndrome

F. May grind teeth or have lockjaw (anxiety)

G. May have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or traits

H. May have one or more of the 7 types of ADHD (see http://www.amenclinics.com)

I. Usually has executive function difficulties (i.e., time management, planning ahead, organization)

J. May rock, leg-bounce, fidget or other movements with hands, twirl hair, stroke soft fabric to self-soothe (aka stimming or self-soothing)

K. May be very sensitive to medications, caffeine and/or alcohol

L. May have gluten, wheat, casein or other food allergies/intolerances, gut issues

M. May have sleep difficulties, a preference for staying up late at night, usually not a morning person, may be very creative at night

N. May have Dyspraxia

O. May have tics (for example, throat-clearing, coughing)

7. Physical Appearance

Usually dresses differently from her peers, often eccentric, may dress more for comfort than appearance.

May dress “over the top” or unusually for occasions

May try very hard to fit in appearance wise or may not care at all

May have a special interest in fashion and femininity

May not shower or upkeep hygiene at times, due to different priorities (usually being involved in special interests)

Looks younger than her years

Has an unusual voice; may be “child-like”, monotone, loud or soft, quality to her voice

Often does certain things with hands (twirling hair or items, different movements) or legs (leg “bouncing” or rocking while standing)

8. Lifestyle

Books, computers, the Internet, animals, children, nature may be her best friends

She loves quiet, solitude, peaceful surroundings

She may be ultra-religious or not at all. Buddhism appears to be common

May prefer to spend as much time as possible by herself, with animals or in nature

May have a strong preference for routine and things being the same day after day

Gets pleasure from being engaged in her chosen work and/or special interests

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

9. Relationship Choices/Sexuality/Gender

May date or marry much older or much younger partners, same gender partner, tending not to see the “age”, “gender”, but rather the personality of the person first

May be asexual, having preferences that are deemed as more important than sex or a relationship

May be ‘hypersexual”, fascinated by physical sexual contact

May differ from peers in terms of flexibility regarding sexual orientation or may think about or want to change gender. Some individuals may change gender or experiment with sexuality as a means to find social success or to “fit in” or feel less different

May not have wanted or needed intimate relationships (asexual)

There is a greater flexibility in sexuality and/or gender. May be heterosexual or may be asexual, gay, bi-sexual or transgender.

10. Special Interests

A special interest may involve the person’s career, fantasy, writing, animals, reading, celebrities, food, fashion, jewellery, make up, tattoos, symbols, to name a few

Ability to “hyperfocus” for long periods of time involved in the special interest, without eating, drinking or going to the toilet, is able to hyperfocus on her special interest for hours, often losing track of time

Loves and revels in solitude, peace and quiet. Solitude is often described as “needing it like the air I breathe”

An intense love for nature and animals

Often not interested in what other people find interesting

May collect or hoard items of interest

Introspection and self-awareness. Many women spend years trying to understand themselves, reading self-help and psychology books and wonder why they feel so different, from another planet or that the “Mothership has dropped me off on the wrong planet”.

Justice Issues

11. Emotional

Feels things deeply

Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative

Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain

Deeply moved by arts, music, certain movies

May be unable to watch horror, violence, disturbing movies, and news programs

Lives with continual generalized anxiety, bouts of depression that creep up on her

Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

Is socially and emotionally younger/immature than her chronological age, much younger if in her twenties

Emotionally too honest (inability or difficulty hiding true feelings when it would be more socially acceptable to do so) and naive

Experiences intense emotions of all kinds (for e.g. when she falls in love, she ‘falls’ in love deeply)

May think she is being compassionate, but her actions may not come across that way

Often too sensitive and possesses a lot of empathy

Usually connect and/or are very sensitive to certain characters in movies

Highly sensitive to issues affecting earth, animals, people, advocacy, justice, human rights and the “underdog”

Some women are quite “child-like”, not reaching a maturity until roughly 40 years of age

12. Personality characteristics and/or traits and abilities

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive (even with herself)

High levels of introversion OR can be extroverted

Generally lack a strong sense of self, self-esteem and/or identity. May use chameleon-like skills to assimilate and be involved with to a variety of groups or different people over time, in a search for true identity.

Has a high sense of justice and fairness, is a truth-seeker

Highly creative and may have ‘rushes’ of original ideas

Dislikes change and may find it disorienting and stressful

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

Dislikes being observed when having to perform (performance anxiety)

May have been told she cares to much, does too much for others and/or is too sensitive

Is perfectionistic (may have attended a perfectionism group program)

Attention to detail

Obsessions/special interests can be short-term (switching from one to another quickly) or long-term (can make a great career)

Naivety, innocence, trusting too much and taking others literally are a powerful concoction for being misused and abused

A strong sense of feeling different from her peers, often described as being from a different planet

May not have a sense of self and/or identity, self-esteem

Tend to be very serious, often too serious at times

Is intense in everything she does

In childhood, may have been described as highly sensitive and/or shy

Highly imaginative

May have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality

13. Past and/or current mental health history

May have a history of crying a lot, without knowing why

May have a lengthy history of going to therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists

May have tried a variety of medications,

Experiences social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder

May have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or traits

May have one or more of the 6 types of ADHD

Has experienced ongoing depression and/or tiredness/exhaustion, without knowing why

A history of trying to understand oneself, of finding answers to explain one-self and why she feels she is different or doesn’t fit in, as a woman

A history of many doctors and counsellors visits throughout university life

May have a family history of Autism, Asperger Syndrome, Bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD, anxiety disorders

May be been misdiagnosed with bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia

May have been previously diagnosed with anxiety disorder depression, an eating disorder, borderline personality disorder, bi-polar disorder and/or ADHD

A history of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, mood swings

14. Coping Mechanisms

May have turned to alcohol, drugs, smoking in order to cope with intense emotions, self-medicate and/or socialize/fit in and/or be accepted with a group.

May use a different persona when out in the public, in order to cope

May have developed a variety of dysfunctional coping mechanisms (for example, arrogance and/or narcissism)

May change gender or sexuality in an attempt to “fit it” and/or find the right group

Has used imitation, social echolalia to pretend to be normal, fake it or pass for normal

May rock standing up, lying down, in a rocking chair to calm down or self-soothe

May need to withdraw into bed or a dark area or a place of solitude to gain privacy, quiet and manage sensory and/or social overload

Withdrawal and/or Avoidance

May have developed a personality disorder as a means of coping with Asperger Syndrome

15. Sixth Sense, Intuition, Psychic Abilities

Has the ability to feel other people emotions

May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows

May be a professional psychic or medium

Possesses one or more psychic abilities

Is an “empath”

16. Unique abilities and Strengths

May have perfect or relative perfect pitch

Autodictic – teaches herself

Intelligence, craves knowledge and loves learning

Can teach herself just about anything she puts her mind too

Has a strong will, is determined and independent

Perfectionistic

Have a remarkable long-term memory, photographic memory

A great sense of humour

Can work very well in a “crisis” situation

Deeply reflective thinker

Resilience, an ability to go from one crisis to another, to bounce back, to start again time and time again

Attention to detail

Great in one-on-one situations or presenting to a group

More like “philosophers” than “professors, but can be both.

Seeing in the “mind’s eye” exact details, gifted visual learner

May be gifted with art, music, writing, languages

Highly intuitive

Capable of deep philosophical thinking, females with Aspergers often beceome writers, poets, artists, singers, performers, actresses or professors.

18. Empathy

May have a lack of cognitive empathy and hyperempathy (for e.g., too much affective or sympathetic empathy)

Cognitive Empathy: The ability to predict other’s thoughts and intentions, knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking. Also known as perspective-taking.

Affective/Emotional Empathy: The ability or capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another person, when you feel the feelings of another person along with the other person, as though their emotions are your own. Social neuroscience has found that this kind of empathy has to do with the mirror neuron system. Emotional empathy contributes to an individual being well-attuned to another person’s inner emotional world, an advantage for individuals in a wide range of careers from nursing to teaching to social work, psychology and other caring professions.

Compassionate Empathy, or “empathic concern”. This kind of empathy helps us to understand a person’s predicament and feel with them, and also be spontaneously moved to help them, if and when other need help. Under stress, Theory of mind skills may appear to be completely absent.

Sympathy: often has too much sympathy, placing her in danger, for example I once had a young client who brought a homeless man home because, as she said, ” he had no hone”

19. May have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome

20. May have an intense desire to please others and/ be liked by others. May become highly distressed if she has the perception that someone does not like her or actually does not like her.

21. Executive functioning difficulties may include: trouble making decisions, time management, planning ahead, organization, completing tasks.

22. May have spend a lifetime of using enormous effort to socially “pretend”, “fake it”, “fit in”, “pass for normal”. May have utilized body language books, mirrors, acting/drama classes to improve social skills.

23. May have tocophobia, the fear of childbirth

24. May have gender dysphoria, also known as gender identity disorder (GID) dysphoria, and is a formal diagnosis for individuals who feel and experience significant stress and unhappiness with their birth gender and/or gender roles. These individuals are known as transsexual or transgender.

25. Photographic visual memory

26. An intense and continual need to figure oneself out.

27. Hypermobility Syndrome

28. Typical sex difference has been reported (i.e., female advantage), in relation to the “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” test (Eyes test), an advanced test of theory of mind.

#headcanons #about jemma #asdheadcanons #headcanon

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