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What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

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What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

The Back Story: How I First Learned Of Vipassana And Why I Put It Off For Years

Years ago our friend Jennie mentioned something about a silent meditation course retreat she’d taken. “It’s called Vipassana…ten days…no speaking…meditation…clear the mind…lots of traffic…it’s loud in the head…then peace.”

Those were among the tempting phrases and hooks I recall.

The term Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” It’s a meditation method discovered by Gautama Siddhartha over 2,500 years ago.

S.N. Goenka, a Burmese man of Indian descent who one might say reintroduced Vipassana to the world in the 1970s, opened the first centers. Today, there are more than 190 Vipassana centers around the world. His instructions and lessons are played during the course, the structure of which is identical regardless of the location: 10 days of silence, meditation from 4:00 A.M. and 9:00 P.M. with breaks for meals and rest in between.

Audrey and I were both sold on the idea, but I felt I had some physical impediments to overcome, including an inability to properly sit cross-legged. I could not fold my right leg in; I always sat leaning to the right or with my right leg kicked out. Whenever I visited a Buddhist temple during my travels, I was invariably whose feet pointed in transgression at the Buddha, the altar, or the monks.

I never characterized myself as someone with chronic pain. When you have it, chronic pain is something you just learn to live with.

If I waited until I felt “ready” I’d never go.

Yes, this.

It was time.

Wait What Is The Purpose Of A Silent Meditation Retreat And Why Should I Do One

No speaking, no distractions, and a very uncomfortable living situation. Why would anyone do a 10 day meditation course under these conditions? The point of all this is to create an environment that is conducive to introspection and that will test your limits. And don’t worry, you don’t have to sleep on a straw mattress like I did.

A meditation retreat for beginners is the perfect way to kickstart your regular meditation practice. You will have the opportunity to learn a meditation technique in depth and have direct insight on how to overcome common obstacles. In any case, I recommend you get started BEFORE your retreat and start meditating at home.

Can I Take The Vipassana Course With A Spouse Partner Boyfriend Or Girlfriend

The intent of the course is to focus on oneself, so the idea that you are taking the course with someone else or you have “company” becomes irrelevant once the course begins. In fact, it may be distracting.

Ideally, you and your partner set off at the same time and attend different centers and return together with a comparable, yet personal and differentiated experience. And most importantly, a new, shared vocabulary.

What Should You Take Into Account When Choosing A Silent Meditation Retreat

A good resource to find a Vipassana meditation course near you is the dhamma.org website. Keep reading for all my tips for finding good Vipassana meditation retreats:

Don’t overthink it, if you want to do a retreat, you found one that you resonate with, and the timing is right, go for it! It will be hard in any case and will bring you way outside your comfort zone, but you won’t regret it.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my Vipassana review and mindfulness meditation course and I motivated you to do a meditation retreat! Have you done a retreat before? How did you pick it? Share your meditation retreat experience!

You can follow me on and connect with me.

Before you go, don’t forget to get the meditation mini-course!

My Exhausting Meditation Retreat: 10 Days Of Vipassana Silence And Spiders

I went to New Zealand to break my brain and put it back together, without ever having meditated before. I had no idea what I was in for

Last modified on Wed 20 Sep 2017 19.28 BST

I signed up for a Vipassana course in a moment of quiet desperation. I was coming up on close to a year of insomnia. I found myself exhausted by the anxiety of not sleeping, yet unable to find any meaningful rest. For the first time in my life I was having panic attacks. Nightly, they were triggered by the dawning realization that sleep would elude me yet again.

I was also dealing with chronic pain. A bad accident as a kid followed by a series of rib fractures and back injuries over the years generated a state of permanent hurt made worse with the lack of sleep and an excess of cortisol.

I chose this specific course, which took place in New Zealand, because despite the trendiness of meditation classes and apps, Vipassana seemed to be about equanimity, discipline and hard work – right up my alley. I am not the most woo woo of humans, and the idea of a giant drum circle of positive thinkers made me want to run away screaming.

I told my friend I wanted to break my brain and put it back together again

While descended from Buddhism, the modern-day courses are secular in nature. The father of these retreats is the late , who was raised in Myanmar and learned Vipassana from monks there.

She disagreed.

“No, it’s like running a marathon having never run before. Jodi are you doing to yourself?”

Where I Took My Course: The Dhamma Malaya Vipassana Center In Malaysia

I’m going to resist keeping this place a secret, all to myself. I thought the center and its facilities were excellent. I had my own room, for which I was grateful.

Having said all that, the center is not luxurious, nor is it supposed to be. It’s not a spa. It’s basic. Your ten days are to be lived simply.

For me, taking the course in the hot season was great. I could pack very light . Additionally, all that I achieved physically was helped along greatly by the stretching I’d done, which I find becomes much easier in the heat.

So Sober Its Psychedelic My Vipassana Meditation Retreat Experience Dec 30, 2019

I can’t remember the first time I decided I wanted to sit in a room and meditate silently for ten days. I only remember meeting people again and again who I respected and admired who spoke highly of their experiences.

Like any self-development junkie, I was eager to sample all the different strains of self work. Vipassana was attractive to me because it offered the purest base level of the human experience.

No mantras, no words, no coaches, no incantations, no self talk or weird breathing — just you and your breath and your body, silent and still for ten days.

My justification boiled down to “I’m gonna be stuck in a room with myself for the rest of my life, so I might as well see what that’s like without anyone else in it.”

The trouble was finding the time — ten days is a long time in the modern world of scant vacation days and cheap international flights. I had signed up twice in years past only to cancel a few weeks later after other plans arose.

This August, I managed to stick to my reservation during a period of unemployment which coincided with the week of Burning Man, when half my social circles were already offline anyways.

I remember reading their packing list and uneasily noticing all the things I normally packed for trips that weren’t coming this time: sunscreen, fun clothing, Kindle, computer, snacks, toys, the list went on.

Vipassana Meditation : A Candid Review Of What To Expect By Ankita S

What does the 10-days Vipassana Meditation feel like? Here’s a candid experience of what to expect from this profound spiritual retreat.

The secrets of the universe and its working has amazed me since childhood! And somehow, my gut instinct always asked me to get into meditation, though I ignored its whisper. However, I was forced to listen to it once I had some severe health complications. This finally led me to explore the hidden world of Vipassana meditation. And here’s my experience.

I don’t know why I expected some magic to see once I started meditating. Though there were moments of peace, and calm, I was looking for something else, something more maybe! And that led me to explore Vipassana through a retreat.

Do You Have To Stay Silent For 10 Days During A Meditation Retreat

Yes, you can’t speak during a silent meditation retreat, but I felt this was the best part of it! When was the last time you didn’t speak for a full day? If you can’t remember, that’s normal, we are always speaking. Afraid you won’t be able to wait to share your stories and experience during your retreat? There are often regular “office hours” with teachers and a time to share at the end. You’ll also make a LOT of eye contact with other participants.

But silent means also silent from distractions to create space for self-discovery and awareness. So no phones, computers, books, writing… Yes, no Instagram for 10 days.

I had done yoga retreats, and spent tech-free time in nature before, but never to such an extent. There are so many distractions in our everyday lives and it feels so good to have no way of checking in with the outside world. This was the perfect digital detox experience for me and since then, most of my notifications are off and I am more aware of my tech usage.

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide To Getting Started

A lot of people have major misconceptions about what meditation is and how it can be practiced in a way that makes you happy. I’m not talking about sitting on the floor with your legs crossed, chanting “Ommm.” I’m talking about Vipassana meditation which has been practiced for thousands of years in the Buddhist tradition.

The word “Vipassana” literally means “to see things as they truly are.” It’s a form of meditation that involves sitting cross-legged, focusing on your breath, and silencing all other distractions – no technology or reading allowed! Read more to learn about how this practice can change your life.

Ultimately Vipassana Meditation Technique Is About Seeing Reality

To see reality, we practice paccakkha, which means “perceptible to the senses”. In other words, we see things as their sensory experience.

I personally like the explanation given by Henepola Gunaratana. He said that Vipassana is about “Looking into something with clarity and precision, seeing each component as distinct and separate”.

Think about it like this. At any given time, you have different thoughts, sensations, and feelings flowing through your mind. However, most of the time, you are likely too distracted to perceive these thoughts clearly. And so, they go on while you are largely unconscious of them.

Vipassana meditation enables us to see thoughts, sensations, and feelings for what they are, for their sensory experiences. This gives us power over them, so we are less reactive, less emotional, and more in control.

The method is currently in vogue, riding on the back of the mindfulness movement. And that’s a good thing because it is one of the best Buddhist meditations.

Although it is a serious method, beginners can practice vipassana at home.

Are You Allowed To Exercise Or Do Yoga During A Vipassana Course

Simply put, no. We were advised not to do any other form of exercise during the course. I thought this would be difficult for me, as I am used to doing some kind of physical exercise daily. After a few days, I was fine with it. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else but walk to and from my room to the meditation hall to the dining hall. During the breaks, we were allowed to walk around the center grounds, which were actually very beautiful and peaceful. The center that I went to in Triebel, Germany had small areas blocked off where we could wander in the woods and in a small field with a pond. It was nice and refreshing to be out in nature and truly made me realize how much I was missing out on in my daily life by just blocking out all the sensations of sight and sound by wearing headphones on my way to work and other appointments. You just stop noticing everything and block out the noise, replacing it with other noise.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Top 4 Benefits + How To Practice It

February 9, 2020

Health Benefits

When it comes to meditation, there are many ways to do it. What is the Vipassana meditation technique , and how does it differ from other types?

Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” This practice, described as an “art of living,” dates back at least 2,500 years to ancient India.

Similar to mindfulness meditation, it involves training one’s mind through completion of certain exercises in order to increase awareness of one’s own experiences.

Although this form of meditation has been practiced in the U.S. since the 1960s, in recent years the popularity of Vipassana meditation retreats and courses has skyrocketed. Thousands of people attend Vipassana classes each year in hopes of “seeing the true nature of existence,” better managing stress, and improving their focus, productivity, relationships and health.

How Were Your First And Second Course Different From One Another

Facility comparison

My first time was at Dhamma Bhumi in NSW, Australia which is an official centre and the second time in Markopoulo was a non-centre and so having one meditation room that is used exclusively for Vipassana meditation 365 days a year holds a much more powerful and supportive/ inspiring energy than a centre that is used for other activities/ purposes for most of the year.

Official centres tend to have better facilities too but in Australia, for example, there is a pagoda facility for old students to meditate in, with small individual dark rooms. Because they own the land, more can be invested in the centre and indeed, it often is.

Humble living: you will be living like a monk/ nun— on the charity of others. These ‘free’ retreats are not like your lavish 2000$ vacation retreats, you are here to live humbly, and do the work. Materialism ain’t no thing here, so leave your ego at the door and find deep gratitude for how purely this organization is run.

Food comparison

It was great at both centers, but the Aussie location .

Water comparison

We drank tap water in Australia and it tasted so bad that I could only drink tea to mask the taste. I would fill my glass water bottle with tea and drink that throughout the day hot or cold because the taste of chlorine, etc, made me yelped for joy when they announced it.

New student vs. old student: a few differences between being a new .

Are You Allowed To Write Or Journal During Vipassana Meditation

I was hoping the answer to this question would be yes, but again, it was a no. I’m still not sure why, but I think it’s mainly because you’re supposed to keep all the ideas, thoughts, and emotions in your own head. If you write them down on paper, they escape you, and it prevents you from really confronting anything. This was also difficult for me at the start, as I tend to journal pretty regularly. The adjectives I can remember now off the top of my head are pain, discomfort, progress, bliss, boredom, anger, determination, and calm.

Vipassana Meditation Technique Is All About Cultivating Insight

When you practice Vipassana meditation you are creating insight into true reality. Specifically, insight into anicca , which are the “three marks of existence” in Theravada Buddhism. Also, sunyata, which is “emptiness” in Mahayana Buddhism.

Let me explain the “three marks of existence”:

Dukkha : We all feel Dukkha. It is the idea that life doesn’t give us what we want and that everything is always changing. Because we never experience complete satisfaction, we always feel Dukkha.

Anatta : This is the idea that there is no fixed soul, no fixed sense of self. We are always changing.

Anicca : This is simply the observation that everything is always changing.

What Is Vipassana The Technique The Retreats And The Philosophy

July 21, 2021

Vipassana, or insight meditation as the practice is also known, has enjoyed widespread popularity in recent years, with many people attending the gruelling ten-day courses that are available across the globe.

Like many of the popular techniques of meditation that have found their way to the west, Vipassana is a traditional Buddhist practise that has been taught in India for thousands of years, possibly since the time of Buddha.

The Vipassana technique aims to teach the meditator about the true nature of reality through direct experience of the body, feelings and mind.

Did I Have Any Magical Experiences During My Vipassana Retreat

Before I decided to book my Vipassana, I had read many blogs on it, and people talked about how they healed from backache, migraine in just 10 days.

While I did not expect my health issue to get resolved in just 10 days, I did expect ‘something’, a little magic maybe. And that happened on the third day!

In the afternoon when I was concentrating on my breath, I felt my right hand shaking. It’s easy to distinguish between a shaking due to weakness, and shaking due to something more powerful.

As I saw it, I was scared from the meditation experience. I guess fear was not needed at that moment. Because the moment I was afraid, the experience stopped! I kept feeling magical for the next many minutes.

And I can assure you that it was the latter. I experienced that ‘something more powerful’ in my right hand. When I l opened my eyes to look at what’s happening, it was still shaking, and nothing was not in my control.

When I told my teacher about that experience, she said, ‘Observe it!’

Well, her reply did not make me happy at that time, but now that I see it, that’s what Vipassana is all about. Observing.

Was it easy?? No, it was not!

Along with the few magical moments I had, there were a few painful moments too. Like on the seventh day, I could feel the heat inside my body. My stomach and lung area had some fire as if it would burn me from inside.

Why You Should Practice Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

Many people make a huge mistake when meditating: They practise at retreats.

You are far better off learning how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home.

Why? Because most of the stimuli that affect you are at home.

Loud voices

If you’re in the city, the constant noise

Vipassana meditation technique teaches us to be less reactive to those stimuli. But to train the mind effectively, we must meditate where those things occur.

Buddha did not isolate himself in a beautiful hall where there were no distractions and no unpleasantness. He sat in the forest, in the village, even around death. Only by exploring his mind in these everyday environments could he liberate himself.

Today we want to be free from the negative aspects of home, work, and, you know, life. If you want to truly liberate your mind, meditate in your everyday life.

Day 0: Arriving At The Center And Meeting My Fellow Meditators

For day 0, participants were told to arrive for check-in between 2pm and 5pm before a dinner would be served at 6pm.

On my way to the meditation center, I met my first co-meditator. To my surprise, he was a completely normal guy – no long beard, no hippie glasses, no sandals, no flower necklace, no peace tattoo.

I was positively surprised and we hit it off right away. He was about my age, a serial entrepreneur, an avid reader, and an overall cool dude.

Even better, he had very little previous experience with meditation and was simply there because a friend had recommended it to him. “Phew,” I thought, “there’s no way this guy is better prepared than I am. What a relief! I won’t be the only one struggling.”

Upon arrival at the center, we were told to fill out some required paperwork and to hand in our smartphones and other non-allowed items. After that, I made my way to the room I got assigned for the next ten days. One of my three roommates was already there as I entered – another down-to-earth, intelligent, and cool dude. One roommate after the other arrived and we had a great chat before heading for the dining hall for our last dinner in ten days.

These first meetings with my co-meditators really quenched my nerves and boosted my optimism for the coming ten days. These were normal people just like me. They had no idea what to expect either. And they were just as excited/anxious as I was.

This Is What Happened After 100 Hours Of Meditation In 10 Days

Imagine, for a moment, being whisked away to a large, nondescript building amongst the rolling hills of the British countryside. Upon arrival, you are stripped of your belongings. No phone, no books, no pen, no paper. You are left with nothing but your clothes and toiletries. Then, for the next 10 days, you wake up at 4:30 a.m. and complete 10 hours of meditation, every day. You’re not allowed to talk to anyone other than your teacher, and there’s no eye contact or bodily contact allowed.

What I’ve just described may sound like a literal hell to some, but for me, it was a welcomed escape from the hyperstimulation of my day-to-day activities. I finally had time to go completely inwards and work on overcoming the cravings and aversions of my mind. Surprisingly, tens of thousands of people across the world, from all walks of life, sign up for these 10-day vipassana meditation courses every year.

The most recent course I attended ran over the New Year’s holiday period, which, for most people, is a time when they reflect on the past year and make “resolutions” for changing their habits or behaviour during the coming year. But I feel that without going inwards, it’s pretty tricky to actually figure out what has been draining your energy and holding you back, making it impossible to know what you really need to change about yourself. This is why I went back to attend my second course. You learn more about yourself every single time.

What Happens During A Vipassana Meditation Retreat:internally

Although the structure of the course is a set structure, what goes on is a whole other story. You are going to have your own experience, but I’ll share a few of mine because from what I hear— many people have similar experiences.

FYI this is where sesame seeds come from .

Crazy ass thoughts: Honestly I brought myself to tears of silent laughter at some of the thoughts that came up while in meditation. Things like where do sesame seeds come from? Or wondering what my arm hair looks like and how weird it is women shave their legs but not their arms. Also why does leg/arm/ eyebrow hair only grow to a certain length but hair on the head grows indefinitely? May times I imagined myself singing along to the chanting in my head and imaging myself perform in a full blown bollywood music video. Like total madness. The key is that when you catch yourself going down one of these rabbit holes, go back to your breath . It’s impossible to completely eradicate your monkey brain, but when you catch yourself don’t continue to indulge, and get back to work.

Understanding The Physical Requirements Of A Vipassana Course

If the thought of sitting cross-legged seems physically daunting and too painful to bear, there’s the possibility of using back rests or even a chair. In other words, your perceived physical limitations should not deter you from taking the course.

And know this: I did it. Sure, I was athletic and ran road races and climbed mountains. But I could barely touch my knees, let alone my toes. And you already know about my fusilli pasta spine.

Despite that, I’m glad I toughed it out on the ground on my meditation cushion, for I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have achieved the results — physical, mental, or emotional — had I done otherwise. During the course, you have 10 days to experiment and plumb the depths of what you can withstand and achieve.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Also Known As Insight Meditation

Before we get into the details of vipassana meditation, some important background about how this practice ties into the story of Headspace: In his early twenties, co-founder Andy Puddicombe left his Sports Science studies and became a Buddhist monk. For over 10 years, he studied meditation in Nepal, India, Burma, Thailand, Australia, and Russia.

After leaving the monastery with a desire to make meditation more mainstream, Andy arrived in London, which is where Headspace was first born, delivering meditations and teachings rooted in both the Burmese and Tibetan Buddhist traditions, while remaining true to the lineage that first inspired the app.

All Headspace meditation techniques incorporate elements of both “Samatha” meditation, though some of the technique names have changed from their original translation to help make them more accessible. The guided meditations in the Headspace app make meditation easy to understand and follow, even if you are completely new to the practice. Additionally, all Headspace meditations and exercises have an altruistic intention at their core, ensuring that both awareness and compassion are being trained at the same time.

You do not need to know and understand the background of Vipassana or Buddhist meditation in order to use the Headspace app to meditate. However, if you are interested in learning more about Vipassana meditation, read on.

Start your free trial

The Benefits of Vipassana aka Insight Meditation

Vipassana Meditation Technique: Everything You Need To Know

In this guide, we will look at how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home. We’ll cover the Vipassana meditation script and its benefits.

As a meditation teacher, I personally use this method for twenty minutes every single day. And it is also one of the main methods I teach in my online meditation lessons. Spiritually speaking, it is a vital method on the pathway to enlightenment.

From my personal experience and my experience teaching this method, I can say that it seriously helps with health and happiness. Because it gives insight into the mind, it helps us control thoughts and feelings.

Many people learn Vipassana meditation at retreats. However, in my experience, it is better to do Vipassana at home. When you practise Vipassana meditation at home you gain insight into your mind in your day-to-day life.

Let me show you how to do Vipassana at home. And you might like to read my awesome guide to Buddhist Meditations.

Vipassana Meditation: An Experience Of The Power Of Silence

Our world is a very noisy place, both externally and internally. Externally, the sounds of various machines, technologies, and gadgets are all around us, such as cars, radios, blenders, TVs, smartphone notifications, and you name it. Internally, our minds are in constant states of chaotic thinking and ruminating that prevent us from experiencing true peace and silence.

Noise does not need to be a negative thing, but it can be when there is no silence to balance it out. So what if we were to step away from some of this noise, if only for a bit? Would we act differently? Think differently? Experience life differently? Would we perhaps allow a deeper clarity into our life? Deeper insight? A deeper knowing?

Moving away from the noise and into more silence, which normally births more mindful thinking and awareness can be highly transformational. In our Western world, we normally think of meditation when we wish to experience such states of being. However, in other cultures periods of silence and mindful awareness are a natural part of each day that help to balance out our mind, body, and spirit.

#5 Start Meditating At Home Before You Go For The Retreat

If you are new to meditation, and you want to start by going to this retreat, you are doomed. It will be very tough, and most probably you will leave the course in between.

Until and unless you haven’t practiced any kind of meditation at home previously, I won’t advise you to go for this intense practice.

Maybe you can start practicing at home 3-6 months prior to registration. This way sitting one hour continuously for a session won’t be tough. Here are to get you started with your home practice.

A Little Reflection Vipassana Meditation: Was It Worth It

In the months and years since I took a ten-day Vipassana Meditation course in Nepal, friends and readers have asked me to share my thoughts, now that I have distance from the experience. I jotted a few sparse notes during the course, and journaled on Day Eleven to chronicle my ten-days in a Vipassana course. Those entries shared the raw thoughts and feelings as I processed each day of meditation and course teachings. During the course, I was deep in the middle of the pain and difficulty. There was little room for reflection.

How to Apply to a Vipassana Course:

An Arachnophobe Walks Into A Vipassana Meditation Course

When I was two, a family member took me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. I had nightmares about spiders for years, waking up screaming in the middle of the night. My arachnophobia has never waned, and I am ashamed to admit that it has dictated some of my travel plans.

Before the meditation course began I worried about the long days of silence. I did not worry about spiders. This was a mistake. The course was on a bird sanctuary outside Auckland, and I arrived only to find that spiders carpeted the wooden buildings, inside and out.

When you take a Vipassana course, you agree to abide by five precepts: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no sexual misconduct and no intoxicants. No writing, no talking, no eye contact, no communicating.

At the end of day one, I noticed a daddy longlegs struggling on the carpet but heading toward the door. I reached for the course schedule, only to realize I was about to kill something with a document that says you won’t kill anything.

Instead, I took a deep breath, skirted around the creature, and opened my door. I stood there silently cheering its departure from my room.

In the meditation hall, daddy longlegs dropped from the ceiling, feeding my anxiety. Huge black spiders dotted the corner of the room where we picked up our pillows, watching over us as we shuffled into yet another meditation session.

I fantasized about flinging off my pillows and running through the hall, screaming like a banshee

It was progress.

Day 6 To 9 Equanimity And Determination Put To The Test

On the 6th day, I woke up sick. My throat hurt, my head throbbed painfully and my nose was clogged. I had a cold and couldn’t distract myself from it. I had to meditate through it.

The meditations were very hard and paying to my sensations made them seem a worse. I had no trouble feeling sensations every part of my body, but I couldn’t maintain equanimity. My cold bothered me, especially when coughing during the group meditations. I barely managed to stay still for more than about 15 minutes during the “meditations of strong determination”.

I slowly made it through the day, but my condition wasn’t improving. I made it clear to myself that I wasn’t leaving the Vipassana course. Unpleasant sensations were not going to win!

On day 7, I was feeling even worse. Despite this, I was strangely enthusiastic at the idea of meditating through my bad feelings and saw the cold more as a challenge and opportunity than an enemy.

“Okay, I know I have a cold and stuff, but if I’m able to meditate through it without judging it, I’ll be able to go through a lot of other things, so I have to do it!”

“These are only sensations, these are only sensations…”

*Watches sensations, start perceiving them in an objective way*

“YEAH! I’m doing it, %?/* YOU, COLD!”

*Loses peace of mind, sensations become overwhelming*

“Ah, crap. Back to square one!”

When I woke up the next morning, there was absolutely no trace of my cold.

What Is Vipassana Meditation And How Can You Practice It

Affiliate disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

You might have ever heard of meditation. It’s a kind of meditation practice that’s often talked about amongst meditation practitioners and gaining popularity in the world.

More and more people are interested in vipassana meditation and eager to learn and try it out. That’s one of the reasons for its gaining popularity. Nowadays, vipassana retreats are conducted regularly around the world.

What is vipassana meditation? What’s so unique about it?

Those are the questions I get asked a lot.

My first vipassana retreat was back in 2009. Since then, I’ve attended several more. I’m a big fan of it. And, I’ve been practicing daily ever since.

So, in this post, I’ll share with you what I’ve been learning so far to answer those questions as best as I can, what vipassana meditation is, and how you can practice it.

Vipassana is a term often translated as insight or clear-seeing.

It is deeply rooted in the Buddhist tradition.

But, because of its universal essence, its practitioners come from many different spiritual and religious backgrounds. That’s the fact I always found in retreats I attended. A lot of the participants I met are not Buddhist.

You don’t need to be a Buddhist to practice vipassana.

We practice not clinging to and not rejecting any object.

Difference Between Vipassana & Other Forms Of Meditation

The Buddhist Meditation practices are mainly of two forms – and . While Vipassana is based on insight or clear awareness, Samatha includes concentration or mental focus.

Vipassana is insight meditation whereas Samatha is a meditation of tranquility.

The most common types of meditation are based on Samatha. In this form, the meditator will focus on types of meditative objects of meditation such as – images, chants, particular items, prayers, or a candle flame to clear the mind.

To master Vipassana it takes years of practice. The meditator achieves a state in which he is not perturbed by any external influences.

Studies have shown both of these forms help the meditator to quiet their minds and improve their mental capacity. The ultimate goal for all forms of meditation is liberation. It is the stage when the spiritual transformation is complete.

What Is It Like On The Other Side Of A Vipassana Course

The course kicked my ass. Raw feelings bubbled up throughout the intense ten days. I started the course cautious and fearful of what it would be like. Then I had anger and resentment during the middle. By the final day, I swelled with well-being and happiness.

I feel proud that I was able to complete the course. This was one of the hardest obstacles in my life to complete. Growing up I was a dilettante. And while usually that’s one of the cornerstones of being a child—experimenting, learning, and discovering new interests—changing interests so frequently impacted my personal self-views. I have always considered myself a quitter.

Back in the day, I loved synchronized swimming. I even won state and national awards. Then I quit that and moved onto tap dancing. Tap wasn’t as fun as jazz, which then gave way to pottery. Then there was that brief stint in ballet, then Irish dance, followed by several years of piano lessons. I dabbled in art, more styles of dance, and went back to competitive Irish dance in high school. All that took a backseat to theatre—the only thing I stuck with. Until I didn’t; I left my LA acting career to travel the world.

And in staying, I proved to myself that I was strong enough to honor my commitment.

Many have wondered if I kept Vipassana as a part of my life. Do I still practice the technique, which requires two hours a day of silent meditation?

Vipassana: My Experience With Serene Meditation Retreat

Jun 1, 2020·4 min read

Vipassana meditation retreat was a transformative experience of my life. In the midst of life’s struggles and personal crisis, I found this gift of meditation.

Vipassana has brought equilibrium and serenity to my cluttered mind. It has been more than a year I have been practicing meditation regularly and attended three courses so far.

Although nothing in my life has changed miraculously since I started Vipassana, I have control over the level of stress and no signs of anxiety. I struggled with migraines for a few years until I started meditating religiously. Vipassana has made migraines a rare occurrence which troubled me often before last year.

Vipassana has healed my mind and made life better. And with more meditation practice, I look for a meaningful journey ahead. It is worth emphasizing that meditation is a personal experience, and the outcomes can be unique and relative if not similar for every practitioner.

The ten day course

At Vipassana meditation center, the day starts with a wake-up bell ringing at 4 AM, and meditation begins at 4:30 AM. The day ends around 9 PM after approximately ten hours of meditation and discourse by the guru in the evening.

Anapana and Vipassana

Mind is constantly wandering in the past and future than focusing on the present. Living in the present and observing the breath is the first step to calm the mind for Vipassana. The ten-day course starts with meditation, and starts fourth day onwards.

Meditate and be happy

Why Did I Immerse Myself Into An Environment Of Silence

People attend Vipassana courses for many different reasons. I met people who looked for ways to overcome their addictions, others longed to solve their sleeping disorders. For me, I was eager to get a deeper understanding of meditation and learn more about myself. As someone who is always looking for new challenges and opportunities for growth, this seemed like the perfect environment to spend my Christmas break.

Over time, I had come across a number of people who shared their Vipassana experience with me, inspiring me to find out for myself what it is all about. So eventually, I felt the call to embark on this journey and signed up for a women’s-only retreat that took place over the Christmas period in the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. While I already had some experience in meditation, I didn’t really know what to expect in the upcoming 10 days, far away from civilisation.

Disclaimer: Nothing You Read Here Will Do This Justice

Both the Buddha and Goenka stress the importance of direct experience, which is a welcome change from other gurus preaching their truth as the only true way. They explicitly say “Take this and try it on and see if it works for you — but don’t believe it until you’ve lived it yourself.” There are even 3 different types of wisdom in Buddhism to relate to these — known, believed, and lived.

Vipassana and Buddhism are all about living truly present in the moment, without cravings, aversions, ignorance, memories, expectations, or future plans. So remember that everything you read here may make your meditation that much harder in the moment: “Wait, I’m not experiencing what Corey experienced!”.

If you’re anything like me though, you’ll read on anyways, as I did all the blog posts of those who came before me, and I still had a great time. So let’s go!

Did You Microdose While There Or Take Any Psychedelics

I considered it, but no, I did not and I will not. It’s a rule not to take any drugs, and although I don’t consider it a “drug” — psilocybin alter your state of consciousness. The reason I wanted to microdose while there was to lower my sensory gate perception, because mushrooms do that, and a key part of Vipassana is the ability to feel subtle sensations on the body. It no doubt help, but the more important part of Vipassana is observing life as it it, not as you wish it were. So, in weighing the pros and cons, it was quickly clear to me that using any external ‘aids’ to achieve deeper states of meditation was actually completely against the purpose and would set me back. You want to honour where you’re at in that moment, and watch your success come from doing the work.

Learn more about microdosing

Registering For The Course An Unexpected First Hurdle

I expected registration for a course to be a quick and hassle-free process. I was wrong. In the end, it took approximately 7 months from decision to do a course until actually enrolling and participating in one.

You see, Vipassana courses are popular. Much more popular than I thought. Registration to 10-day courses usually opens three months before the course starts and it’s not uncommon that courses fill up within a few days of opening up registration.

And it’s not like these courses take place 3x per month. It’s more like one course every 4-6 weeks. Long story short, I missed out on courses a couple of times until I finally managed to register on time and get accepted for the course from sep-19 to sep-30.

Why Did I Choose To Participate In A Vipassana Course

Before we get to my detailed experience of the ten-day retreat, I want to give you an understanding of why I chose to go through this in the first place. People go on such retreats for numerous different reasons. For me, the main reason was the proven scientific track record of meditation.

And by track record I mean the science-backed benefits of meditation. According to books and articles I’ve read on the topic, some of those benefits include:

Improved immune function, decreased inflammation, many other improved health markers

Decreased anxiety, depression, stress

Increased positive emotions, decreased negative emotions, more happiness

Improved relationships, increases in social connection, less feelings of loneliness

Improved focus and attention, memory, creative thinking

Improved self-control, emotion regulation, concentration, introspection

Meditation has been shown in multiple studies to physically alter the structures of your brain, increasing grey matter, growing cortical thickness, and increasing volume in areas related to self-control, emotion regulation, positive emotions, and paying attention.

If you’re interested in living a healthy, happy, successful, and fulfilling life, there’s hardly a better use of your time than meditation. I’ve said on numerous occasions that mindfulness is the #1 skill anyone can learn in life – and mindfulness is best cultivated through the practice of meditation.

Spiritual Benefits Of Vipassana Meditation Technique

Vipassana meditation has significant spiritual benefits. In fact, it is the best meditation for gaining insight into the true nature of reality.

When we practise Vipassana meditation technique daily we gradually awaken.

Plus, when you learn how to do Vipassana meditation , you will notice what’s going on inside your mind while you’re living your everyday life. In fact, doing Vipassana at home is better than doing it at a retreat. When you practise at a retreat you only see what’s going on in your mind when you’re at the retreat. That’s not very useful! Contrastingly, gaining insight into your mind in your everyday life is invaluable. And that is why you’re smart for learning how to do Vipassana meditation at home.

Part 3 Of 3:overcoming Distractions While Meditating

“smallUrl”:”https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/v4-460px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/aid6822382-v4-728px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=\”mw-parser-output\”><p>License: <a target=\”_blank\” rel=\”nofollow noreferrer noopener\” class=\”external text\” href=\”https:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc-sa\/3.0\/\”>Creative Commons<\/a><br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>”1Focus briefly on distractions. Whenever there is an outside noise, any sort of disturbance, you should consciously and immediately focus awareness towards that sound. Just as you labeled the rising and falling of the abdomen, label the exterior sound in your mind.XResearch source

The process can be free of thought, just allowing the mind to focus on the surroundings. If you’re distracted, refocus on your breathing until you can establish a calm understanding of smaller sounds around you.

Tips On Getting Started With Vipassana Meditation:

To get started with Vipassana Meditation, you can work with me or you can begin to practice on your own, below are some tips to get you started.

– Choose a time when you’ll be able to practice consistently

– Prepare your space. Find a room in your house that can be designated for meditation only, and keep it free of distractions such as TV’s, computers, or phones

– Set a timer for 20 minutes and start!

– Sit with your legs crossed if possible. Palms one on top of the other in your lap. If you cannot sit with your legs crossed then find a position that you can sit comfortably, don’t create or further physical ailments in this process. how you sit is not as important as you might think.

– Focus on your breath or teach the abdomen, and allow yourself to be. Note the thoughts and emotions as they arise for what they are “Noting” is acknowledging what truly is within and allowing it to be recognized, this is a game-changer as your practice grows. When the thought, emotion, or feeling has passed return to the breath or the rising and falling of the abdomen.

Can You Bring Your Own Food/ Make Dietary Requests

No to bringing your own food, and to making dietary requests. Understand that if everyone did this, the courses could not exist. Distinguish between dietary requirements and dietary preferences. Do I eat gluten in real life: no. Am I allergic to gluten: also no. There are often options, and you can navigate the meals to avoid certain things, but unless you’re allergic: don’t make requests. Doing so will absolutely harm your practice, because living like a monk/ nun means living on the charity of others. If you want to truly surrender to the experience, you need to let go of your daily life neuroses. Beggars can’t be choosers, and when you accept the free food prepared by love by volunteers who are serving you selflessly and preparing food made with love, the alchemy is incredible and you will feel wonderful, I promise.

How Is It Different From Other Types Of Meditation

People often wonder what difference there is between Vipassana meditation and transcendental meditation or even mindfulness. And while some may think they are very similar, there are clear distinctions in all of them.

Vipassana meditation is about becoming insightful through self observation and enquiries of the self and life.

Transcendental meditation, on the other hand, uses a mantra to help you transcend to the source of thought.

Mindfulness meditation is about being mindful of your thoughts and feelings without interfering, mentally, and living in the present moment.

Ten Day Vipassana Meditation Course: My Experience

You can find a slightly shorter version of this post in case you don’t want all the detail, though I’d recommend reading the full version if you have the time. If you’re thinking about taking the course, might be helpful to read too.

I just came back from a 10-day Vipassana course. It was a unique and tough experience full of ups and downs, and very different from what I expected.

I’d been interested in meditation for a few years, but hadn’t had the discipline to put it into practice. I chose this course because it’s a 10-day immersive course with no communication throughout. No phones, no talking to the other meditators. Not even any eye contact or gestures. I liked the idea of the lack of distraction. Other than that I have to admit I didn’t know too much about this specific course before I went, and that became apparent as soon as I got there!

Upon arrival, we made a vow to live by a number of rules, most of them not too taxing: no killing, stealing, lying, or intoxicants, and complete sexual abstinence. We also agreed not to leave before the end of the course.

Each day of the course started with a gong at 4 AM and finished with a talk at 9:30 PM, with around 11 hours of meditation in between. The rest of the time was made up of meal and rest breaks.

Ok so far. I can swallow that.

Hmm, ok. A little far fetched, but just maybe there’s a meaningful analogy there.

Some things I’ve noticed since leaving the course yesterday:

To be continued…

How Much Does A Vipassana Meditation Retreat Cost

Vipassana is technically free, in that you don’t pay anything to attend. There are many reasons for this, one of which is that it allows you to develop the P?ram? and even the teachers volunteer their time, because Dhamma is too important to set a financial restriction on

Donations are pure and are only accepted by old students, who have completed at least one 10 day Vipassana. They are based on means which is one of the fundamental pillars on which enlightenment is founded.

No Speaking For 10 Days Wtf Do You Lose Your Mind

Haha, kind of, but it’s amazing. When you live your day-to-day life constantly thinking and communicating, its near impossible to realize the madness going on in your head. We have so much stimulus that our thoughts actually jump from one thing to another without ever taking a breath. This is apparent during the first 2 days of the retreat. As you quietly observe your breath, the mind is running at 100 miles per hour like a total spas.

When we speak, we automatically start telling ourselves stories, about how we feel, what other people are doing and saying and our assumptions on their intentions and what they might be thinking. It’s an added layer of information that just crams into our internal dialogue and generates information overload. Not speaking for 10 days is so relaxing and regenerative. It allows you to focus on observing your mind as opposed to multitasking between that and navigating the outside world. It really gives you a chance to go inwards.

What Is The Cost Of A Vipassana Meditation Course

On principle, no fee for the Vipassana course is charged. Centers are instead maintained by the donations of those who have completed a meditation course. You may donate only once you have completed a course and you are free to choose the amount you wish to donate.

those who came before you support your course while your donation supports future participants. So you pay it forward.

Would I Recommend Vipassana Meditation To Others

Yes! But only when the timing is right.

A simple, non-sectarian technique for programming pervasive peace into our lives, I believe Vipassana meditation to be one of the best things I’ve ever encountered. I wouldn’t recommend rushing into a course, though. Had I attended one a year ago, I probably would have left the first day. Trying to sit still and consciously aware for ten straight days is a tremendous challenge.Sign up when you have some extra gumption to give to the experience.

Lastly, if you’ve made it this far in this lengthy article, you might be curious how much a ten-day Vipassana course cost? It’s absolutely free. The program is entirely run by volunteers and financially supported by past students .

How To Do Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

In my opinion, it is best to do Vipassana at home because then you will gain insight into how your mind works in the place you are every day: home, which is far more valuable than doing it at a retreat.

Buddha said that it is best to do Vipassana meditation technique in a forest, sitting with the legs crossed in Lotus position. However, you can practice Vipassana meditation at home. Of course, your space should be relaxing and free of distractions. You can also do it sitting in a chair. However, do make sure you have good posture.

When you do Vipassana at home you should be somewhere quiet and comfortable.

You can learn more about sitting positions in my guide to

My Toughest Challenge Ever Vipassana Meditation

Meditation Series – Chapter 3: Vipassana

Continuing my experiments with different forms of meditation, I had come across Vipassana around 2015. I got this sudden opportunity to join Vipassana camp. Vipassana is an old Buddhist tradition of Meditation, as was taught by Gautam Buddha himself. I had heard a lot about it and always thought of it more as an adventure than Meditation; it seemed like the toughest experience out there. Many people think that one session of Vipassana and you become a sanyasi on a yogic path like Gautam Buddha. Frankly, it is a stupid conception but about that later, first, let me elaborate on my experience with Vipassana.

How Vipassana challenges you every minute.

Vipassana is seriously a mind-blowing experience and the toughest thing I ever did in my life. One has to dedicate oneself to the session for 10 days at a time and stay in the ashram/camp during this period. Program highlights are: Wake up every morning at 4 a.m., not talk to anyone for 10 days , and last meal at 12 noon – no dinner, only a snack in the evening… All deal breakers for me. I am not a morning person, in fact I can’t even wake up at 9 easily, forget about 4 am. The few times in life, I have been awake at 4 in the morning was when I didn’t sleep the whole night. ?

What more? Hmmm, not talking to anyone was not a deal-breaker, as I have a strange combination of chatterbox and statuesque personality. So acquiring one personality for a small period of time is not so tough.

How I Heard About Vipassana Meditation Retreats

I heard about Vipassana meditation retreats on a forum. People shared reviews of their Vipassana experiences and reported getting incredible results from the 10-day retreats offered by Vipassana centers around the world. I looked into it, fond a center close to my home in Eastern Canada and subscribed for a 10-day meditation retreat. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into. I read it was considered one of the most challenging meditation retreats available to westerners. I saw it as a great personal challenge and an incredible opportunity to fully focus on meditation. Besides, the retreats were free of charge; they’re solely financed by voluntary donations, so I really had nothing to lose except 10 days.

Photo credit : hckyso from flickr

In Vipassana retreats, all forms of communication with other students are forbidden . Practitioners are only allowed to bring necessities, this means nothing to read, watch, listen to or write with. Cellphones and other electronic devices are also prohibited. The rules are strict, but they are helpful and force you to fully concentrate on your meditation practice without distracting yourself when things get tough, because they will get tough, trust me.

I Keep Seeing The Word Dhamma What Does It Mean

Dhamma is part of the ‘triple gem’ which includes:

anyone who is fully enlightened

the law of nature; the teaching of an enlightened person; the way to liberation

anyone who has practiced Dhamma and has become a pure-minded, saintly person

All Pali words are explained during the course, as their relevance becomes necessary.

Schedule: A Typical Vipassana Day And Timetable

For days one through nine, participants observe a “Noble Silence” which means no talking and no charades or other non-verbal communication. You can ask the instructor questions during sessions at 12:00 P.M. and 9:00 P.M. Remaining silent during this time is not nearly as difficult as it sounds.

The schedule is the same at every Vipassana 10-day meditation course, no matter where it is being held in the world. You can see this at the bottom of the Vipassana FAQ page.

Wake up bell: 4:00 A.M.

Most mornings, for whatever reason, my body anticipated the waking bells at 4:00 A.M. I set an alarm for 4:10 A.M. just in case and never had to use it. Not because I wasn’t tired in some way, or even jet lagged a bit, but because it was clear I had something important that I must do.

After a quick wash and water and a stretch, I was out the door into the pre-dawn darkness for a walk from my room to the meditation hall. The touch of cool before the birds would come alive and the warmth of the Malaysia hot season would land was something I’ll never forget.

Meditate in the hall or in your room: 4:30-6:30 A.M.

I quickly realized after a brief conversation with the instructor that meditating in the hall for newcomers is an important discipline. I found I would go much further with the structure and discipline of the early morning in the hall, despite the fact that the morning sessions ended with a chant that typically drove me borderline crazy.

Breakfast and rest: 6:30-8:00 A.M.

Where Can I Find A Vipassana Meditation Retreat

Today, there are over 172 Vipassana meditation centers, and 134 non-centers scattered around the globe, all of which are under the instruction of current teacher S.N. Goenka , whose videotaped sessions guide the students along the course.

All Vipassana meditation centers operate strictly on a donation basis. So, the course and all its amenities are provided for free. Donations are only accepted from those who complete the full 10-days and are informed after completion of the minimum donation to cover their board and lodging.

All participants are expected to complete the full 10-days, however, there is no obligation and one can leave anytime.

www.dhamma.org

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide

We will all agree that often times we find ourselves overwhelmed by various negative thoughts and feelings. We get angry, disappointed, sad, discouraged and even feel completely out of harmony with ourselves. This makes us send off those negative energies to the other people around us and make them unhappy too.

Definitely, it is not something we do intentionally but the things we go through life may make us do it. But is there a way in which we can reduce all the negative thoughts, feelings and energy and be more on the positive side, feeling energized, motivated, peaceful, happy and having proper inner balance?

Vipassana meditation is a great practice that helps us become more peaceful, calm and have inner harmony through purifying the mind from the negative thoughts and feelings that make us suffer. It brings a sense of mental stillness and clarity that helps us live better lives.

How Does It Work The Precepts And Course Rules

So, how does a retreat work anyway? What are the rules? What does a typical day look like? That’s what we’ll cover next.

For starters, attendees of a Vipassana course must undertake five precepts for the duration of the course: 1) to abstain from killing any being; 2) to abstain from stealing; 3) to abstain from all sexual activity; 4) to abstain from telling lies; 5) to abstain from all intoxicants.

In addition to the precepts, attendees should also adhere to the following rules:

The rules may sound a bit strict and draconic in the beginning. After the course, however, I realize that most of them make total sense and are simply there to make life easier for the students.

I had no trouble following the rules, though I do some pushups and other bodyweight exercises from time to time. As long as you don’t distract your fellow meditators, I guess it’s fine.

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dragonracer · 7 years ago

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Suicide and Mental Health

This is a very long post. Warning you in advance. But it's a topic that's heavy on my heart and it needs to be heard.

I don't usually discuss serious issues on social media because serious issues almost always devolve into political issues, which then devolve into incoherent screeching from both sides in an effort to see who can out-screech the other, at which point there is no longer a conversation and instead just a gigantic stressor added to your life.

But this topic is important to me and with yet another big suicide showing up all over my timeline and newsfeeds, I just need to say it. To put it out there in the world. Even though it will not change a damn thing and will simply be me screaming into the empty void. But it needs to be said: not only does the healthcare system in this country absolutely suck, the mental healthcare situation is even worse.

I lost my mother to suicide five years ago. It occurred from a mix of her own despair and failed systems. She was full-time caregiving for her parents because professional assistance was too expensive. My father was laid off due to company downsizing during a down economy and struggled to find employment, which meant he and Mom survived on unemployment and, when that ran out, got by on what remained of their savings, credit cards, and whatever assistance could be had by friends and family.

Which also meant no healthcare and no anti-depressants. Considering Mom had been diagnosed with clinical depression from a fairly early age, she needed them. My Dad's industry experienced a lot of fluctuation when I was growing up, so he had to endure many lay-offs (never his fault) and find new businesses in his field of profession, and those in-between times meant no health insurance. And even at a young age, I recognized Mom with her medication and without her medication.

Towards the end, she began to swing more and more wildly in her moods than ever before. I suspect more mentally was going on than just lack of anti-depressants, but I'll never truly know. And she had no access to help - be it physical or mental - because this country simply doesn't care about that... or if you're seeking free or discounted assistance, then you must be a deadbeat who is taking advantage of the system, just another hungry welfare mouth to feed (oh, hi, the start of my talk on stigmas as well).

I did my best to try and play "free counselor" with her over the phone every day. But I was ill-equipped to handle that sort of burden. I have no professional training in counseling or psychology.

And I DO NOT handle conflict well. At all. Mom suffered incredibly bad self-esteem issues. Which translated into not being able to really disagree with or argue with her without it being interpreted as a personal insult. I love my Mom. I always will. But it's only looking back on my childhood now over 30 years later that I realize I went through some level of psychological abuse. Totally unintentionally on her part, I know in my heart of hearts. She couldn't help it. And most of the time, Mom bled unconditional love. But when she was upset, the guilt trip to be had was a sight to behold. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her, and so I grew up a life of walking on eggshells. Being careful with what I said. Often not expressing my own thoughts or opinions if they might conflict with hers. Dad has no fault in this whatsoever because he was living it, too, and trying to do much the same as me.

Anyone who knows me well has seen the effects of this. I don't talk out loud much. Even in family settings or coworker lunches, when everyone is sharing stories like normal people, I'm more comfortable being the quiet listener. And as soon as there is any conflict, I get extremely uncomfortable. It's why I avoid politics - raised voices make me uneasy, hell, I start feeling stressed just READING political threads, so I avoid them. And anytime I end up unintentionally in an argument or am fussed at for something, tears start. Like a damn child. But I literally cannot help it. I have spent my entire life trying at every turn to either avoid or de-escalate conflict... and it goes back to a childhood of trying to keep my mother on an even keel.

So, trying to calm her down from the ledge almost every day near the end was draining. So draining. And there was no help I could give her, no services I could really point her to for help at the time. I (stupidly) did not think she would actually go through with suicide because she had talked about it off and on my whole life. And you know what "they say" - if someone says it a lot, they're just seeking attention. Well, "they" are incorrect. At that point, what I SHOULD have done was had her Baker-Acted, but there's that whole fear of conflict again... I knew they'd throw her in a pen for three days and then she'd be right back out with NO HELP and then super-pissed off at me for doing that to her. Like, relationship-ending levels of pissed. That was my fear. Irrevocably ruining our otherwise very tight and very loving (if flawed in ways) mother-daughter relationship. So, I didn't. Because I feared the potential conflict. It is something I will regret my entire life... because had I tried that, at least I could then say "I did everything I possibly could". But I didn't.

It reached a point where I was so mentally and emotionally shaken by all this that in our final confrontation (online at the time), I refused to answer my phone when she called. The only time I never answered her. I called it tough love at the time. Something I had never tried with anyone because... again... me and conflict, cannot deal.

About an hour later, she ended her life.

After the hazy days of shock and the memorial service, I was losing my mind with grief, guilt, and anger. I was angry at her. Angry at God. Angry at the lack of help and services that could have potentially prevented all this. And I absolutely HATED myself. I held no greater anger than at my inability to have saved her, for not answering the phone and trying (as I'd successfully done so many times before). It didn't matter that my brain logically understood I was not at fault; my heart was broken, and that's all I could feel.

I looked online for grief support groups. There wasn't really anything locally that was either a) active or b) wasn't during work hours. But I HAD to talk to someone. Someone professional. Someone who had no previous ties or connection to me or my situation. I needed an outsider's perspective to keep the guilt from eating me alive. I saw a listing for a suicide grief support group at inconvenient times at Haven Hospice and drove out there. A very sweet counselor there admitted their group would be ill-equipped to help me - it was intended for people "further down the grief road", not freshly-introduced like me - but she let me talk and vent in her office and she offered as much support as she could, bless her, and told me to see if my workplace offered any services.

So, I did. Our ad director at the time handed me a little card with a hotline associated with our healthcare insurance agency. I explained my situation and they set me up with a counselor for a free six-week session. That is, sadly, the only positive thing this entire system provided.

I visited this counselor once a week for six weeks. She was... somewhat helpful, somewhat not. I don't feel like we were a very good fit at all, but she was the only one our emergency hotline plan would send me to. And ironically enough, that's all she took from them... for long-term, she didn't accept the insurance company my workplace uses and so if I wanted to continue my sessions past the six free weeks, I would have to pay in full out of pocket. Which was gonna be roughly $200 weekly that I didn't really have extra to spend.

After six weeks, I was cut loose. Because you totally move right past suicide survivor trauma in just six weeks, right? Ha. Haha.

I looked online for ANY counselor that might accept our insurance. I needed help. More importantly, I recognized that and wanted the help. I ignored the stigma that goes along with people seeking out a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist. The stigma of being viewed as either crazy or weak. The stigma that exists for mental situations, but not physical... nobody views you oddly or as being weak for seeing a doctor when you're sick or injured, but if you're suffering something mentally?

I found very few who even accepted insurance at all, and none who took ours, and without the extra $800 a month to spend on my mental health out-of-pocket, I simply endured. I had no choice. I found an online forum for suicide survivors and that helped a little bit for a while. But as time moved on, I had to leave. Seeing the newly grief-stricken day after day merely reopened raw wounds and I could find no healing there, only other lost souls who couldn't find professional help and desperately turned to strangers online for at least the comfort of camaraderie in the world's most awful club.

Fast-forward to this year. I found myself in a mentally toxic work situation. I had taken a different position and it was NOT working out at all like I had hoped. What I originally viewed as a challenge and maybe an opportunity to expand myself spiraled into the worst possible decision. I ultimately realized I was not cut out for sales. At all. Because it's 90% rejection, 10% successes. And even the wins didn't feel good because there were so many not-wins. I felt out of control of my life. I felt like a failure. And in that kind of position, you often have to deal with angry people for reasons that you were not responsible for, but you were "the face" to yell at. Yeah, that whole conflict thing for me again... I was undone. I cried in my car a lot. Coworkers found me sobbing in the bathroom an embarrassing number of times. I was in constant stress mode physically and mentally and I feared it would eventually take a toll on my health. I was always fighting with everyone in my life and coming home in SUPER BITCH mode to my poor husband. I was not "me". Not by a long shot.

I was in such a bad state. But I also felt trapped. I didn't want to die, but I did want to simply "not exist". At least for a little while. I needed help. I would have LOVED to have some sessions with a counselor. But Google searches told me the same sad story as I experienced five years ago: nobody takes your insurance, if they take insurance at all, and considering I was constantly 10 seconds away from rage-quitting in desperation at any given moment, I wasn't gonna be blowing wads of cash for mental health out-of-pocket.

Thankfully, a new position opportunity opened up at work that was a MUCH better fit for me, so I received the escape I had desperately been seeking. Today is such a 180 from three months ago that words don't do it justice.

But what if that hadn't happened? What if I was still clawing inside my head? With no real access to professional help?

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because I know exactly what it does to those left behind. But I also can't lay much blame on the soul that was hurting so badly that their pain blinded them to anything else... because what freaking HELP do they really have? Friends and family can only do so much - if either is even in the picture (some people aren't so fortunate). A suicide hotline is better than nothing, I suppose, but that seems like trying to put a bandage on a severed limb... it might be helpful in the short-term, but what help exists long-term? If they have no insurance or their insurance isn't accepted by counselors, how can they get help?

"Well, that's no excuse for the mega-rich, they can afford it!" And that absolutely is an understandable response. Other than even if you CAN just blow wads of cash for non-insured treatment, you still get to deal with the lovely stigma of being "weak" or "crazy". Because mental health is not viewed the same as physical health. People don't get it. You're simply expected to "be strong" or "man up". On that note, I imagine it's even WORSE for men because you guys are often reared to "not cry" and "be a man" and essentially have it drilled into your skull that feelings are bad and belong solely to the realm of women.

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because that mental health stigma immediately rears its ugly head every time, with every comment about the act being selfish. Because while it absolutely is selfish on some levels, at the end of the day, this was a person who fucking needed HELP and either could not get it or was too afraid/ashamed to try and get it, most likely. The system failed them, but instead of us getting righteously angry about THAT, we victim-blame instead.

Our healthcare system SUCKS. Our mental healthcare system is essentially non-existent. And I think that makes me angry more than anything else.

/ridiculously long rant... if you made it through all that, thank you

#worlds longest rant screaming into the void crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal RIP Chester

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