#I’m going to introduce Lae after the first chapter

[ranger-danger]

Okay yeah the first chapter of the film noir au is going to be pretty damn long. A lot of editing to make sure the pacing and flow works, might have to split it up into two chapters and release them at the same time. It probably needs a prologue too. Also I need to make Lae a girlfriend.

But! I have the playlist done. Not that that does anything.

[malefi-andromeda]

Long Winding Road Stay Strapped My Dude

By: Astoria Cathryn Andromeda

Alrighty, this is a long one boys. So I touched briefly on this in my Welcome to Literally Everything post. No worries I'll recap you, so you don't have to switch back and forth. I just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, and then ADHD when I was 18 years old, and even then I had to fight for it after countless hours of research. See, there seems to be a wee bit of misogyny in the neurodiverse diagnoses. When I say a wee bit, I mean that scientists used to think that only boy could be autistic or ADHD. They only studied autism in males. Fortunately, nowadays we know that girls can be autistic and/or ADHD, but we present the traits differently than boys, and a lot of our traits are played off due to gender roles in society. For example, being overly talkative in girls is called chatty, whereas boys who can't sit still are sent off for testing immediately. This also causes problems for the boys, because little Johnny gets put on Adderall at the ripe age of 6 years old, just because he can't sit still for 8 hours straight, which by the way should not be expected of any elementary school kid, By the time, he's 25 he's 1) completely dependent on amphetamines 2) his body will stop producing dopamine due to being on the medication for so long. Nicht Gut. Generally, boys who are on the spectrum get picked out earlier due to late speaking, or lack of social skills. This is the one thing that girls happen to do better than boys. Girls are good at masking, which is basically taking social traits, phrases, personalities, demeanor, and copying them. In public, they put on a mask and at home, they have a meltdown. Girls are still not picked up as being on the spectrum, because shyness is called being 'ladylike' and 'dainty', and having a meltdown is just because :( girls are oh-so emotional, boohoo. Anyways tons of women do not get diagnosed with autism until they are well into their adulthood, I actually can be considered lucky to have technically still been a teenager when we finally got all the pieces together.

Alright, let's start with I don't know me as a baby. I did not speak until I was 2 years old, and then it was immediately full sentences from then on. I didn't do the babbling thing, which I don't know how impactful that really is to the topic. I was a very shy little girl. I was teeny tiny, we didn't know I if I was going to make it to 5 feet tall until I had a big growth spurt in 7th grade. I am 5'2 now and definitely done growing in case you were wondering, so not that short anymore. I did not like talking to adults, especially strangers, especially men. I did not look anyone in the face, and I will always hide behind my parent's legs when they would try to introduce me to people. I am an only child, and I spent a lot of time entertaining myself. I always had seasonal affective disorder, where my grades would dip in the winter. My parents knew I had a timer, they had 45 minutes from the moment they stepped into a restaurant before I would start breaking down. If I got off schedule as a toddler in any form, it was a catastrophe. Or this is what my parents and family tell me. I didn't really notice. I did not like being out in public a lot, I was a very picky eater, and I was extremely hyper. I was a very eccentric child, I only had 1-2 close friends and they were always a very well-liked outgoing girl who I just followed around. Looking back, I don't know how we missed it. I was shy because I didn't understand how social interactions worked, I was anxious about it because I didn't understand, I had sensory overloads, routines, and a very bland diet with a safe food which was ketchup. I put that shit on literally everything, eas, apples, mac and cheese, pizza, all meat, anything something forced me to eat that I did not like. But because I could sit still in class, and because I could zone out and daydream all day through school and still make A's nobody ever flagged me for anything and how I was supposed to know that not everybody just copied other people, scripted things before they talked, and could never pay attention. My mom always required me to be in a sport, and I was a gymnast and a swimmer for a long time, two very high-intensity sports, to help lower my energy levels, and because my mom has mild depression and she knows that exercise does help. Skip to middle school, my mom tells me I'm being bullied at church. It's not that I wasn't observing my surroundings I knew I was being excluded, but I didn't understand vindictive behavior, I thought it was my fault. I had zero friends in 8th grade until I sat down next to a random acqutaince I had gone to school with since I was 4 and the same gymnastics place. Then we were immediately attached at the hip after that. She is my best friend due this day and definitely got me through high school. Led me through so many social situations without either of us knowing. I had a very close friendgroup in highschool, all of them were on the drumline which I met through my best friend, and my first boyfriend was my best friend's neighbor. I ended up playing bass guitar for my high school's indoor drumline, and it was the best experience ever. I love my friends, but I had really bad depression when I was 15-now:) jk It's better. I didn't really realize I was depressed, I just didn't want to go to school, or swim practice, or do anything so of course, my mom noticed, and then once it was pointed out to me it got worse. My severe anxiety spiraled with my depression. Senior year of high school, my boyfriend and I were like toxic star crossed lovers, hurting each other over and over again without meaning to. My friends and I were self harming, all my close friends gad some demon going on. I finally decided to try therapy again after the disaster of being forced to go when I was 15 and the lady told me I wasn't depressed because I had a boyfriend and good grades. It helped a bit, I was able to get my panic attacks under control. Then I went away to college and stayed dating my senior high school boyfriend, we were just up and down as always, but with slightly better communication. My freshman year of college I joined a fraternity, a research lab, and my first hs boyfriend/ex/best friend and I went to a Christian campus place. By second semester, I had a lot of people who knew me and talked to me, but I didn't have any close friends, and even less close friends who were girls. All my close friends who were girls were at another college. My parents were worried about me, so they made me rush a sorority, which I knew was never my scene, but my parents made me join and I found a few girls I liked. Soon I was going to 6 classes, fraternity chapter, research lab meetings, christain crash group meetings, soriorty pledge meetings all on every Tuesday. I was different person at each of these events and wore a different mask. I was having what I know now were autistic burnout meltdowns every single day on the phone in my crusty dorm's stairwell. It was not cute. His mental health had always been bad too. Finally I decide I need to try a psychatrist and go back to therapy, and then he broke up with me. Then I made my first close friend, a guy who was in 3 of classes, and I took him to my fraternity's formal, and then coronavirus happened.  Rona kinda saved my grades, and mental health by sending us home event though it did suck. I got on anti-anxiety meds and things went up, but I was still having what I thought were panic attacks, they were austistic meltdowns. My psychiatrist, he's kinda an asshole, he diagnosed me with Obessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I'll insert definition here: (OCPD) is a personality disorder that's characterized by extreme perfectionism, order, and neatness. People with OCPD will also feel a severe need to impose their own standards on their outside environment.> Basically hr told me I had rules for everything like how everyone drives on the right side of the road, but nobodythinks about it andwhen I broke one of my rules I got depressed, and when wasn't perfect I got depressed, and when I made an A I was relieved not proud. The diagnosis seemed to fit really well, and my therapist and I started working finding my rules, and getting rid of the bad ones, and making the others less harsh. I had thought every once and in a while in my life when I was really upset, what if I'm on the spectrum, because I just felt so hopeless for social interactions and I didn't understand. I always felt like I was a very specific person, but after the ocpd I started thinking more and more, and I saw a tik tok of a girl with lae diagnosed autism basically describing me and ranting about the misogyny. I did more research and I decide, yea I'mm gonna bring it up to mypsychatrist well he's a dick, so he was like um you don't act like sheldon cooper from the Big Bang theory,and I was like wellI just I have always thought I might have adhd like be neureodiverse, and he was like your grade point average in hs was a 97.8%, you're not adhd. I immediately cried, because I can't handle when anyone says anything in a even a slightest stringent tone. I'm baby, I know lmao. It made me angry though because I felt like he just brushed away all of my struggles I had in my whole life. I spent hours researching and typed up a 47 page document on evidence for why I was on the spectrum, and had my parents help will some of checklists to make sure I was getting outside perspectives. I rally my parents to be my back up and next psychiatrist appointment we actually talk about it and he asked my parents questions about when I was young and such and finally he was okay you're on the spectrum. I felt so validated and like I could start being myself. I slowly got more and more confident, changed my style of clothing, and researched more about adhd pushed to be tested, and oh look at that I also have ADHD. So basically discourse: "I feel like as a child I coded a machine to do life for me so I didn’t get bothered except I didn’t know about the machine I thought i was the machine and now I’ve become self aware and I have to learn how to read the code and rewrite the code because it’s dysfunctional because I’m not functioning well as a human being. I was really shy as a child. I would turn beat red when people talked to me or looked at me so I think I started cookie cutting situations and using them over and over again because they worked until I accidentally hard wired these expansion rules and expectations for myself. I didn’t may attention is class ever I just day dreamed and if I got good grades i wouldn’t be bothered i could just stay in my head and if I did my sport well my parents didn’t bother me. I was never asked if I did my homework I just did it so I wouldn’t be asked and have to deal with that situation. I would cookie cutter situations in class that would draw the least attention to myself.

I feel like i don’t have friends I just fulfill the expectation like a side quest on video games" I wrote this down pre autism confirmation when i just thought I had ocpd. Now I don't directly identify with ocpd, but I definitely think I developed that personality disorder a bit from living with undiagnosed autism. I am linking below the very informative Tik Toks by the lovely Paige on autism in girls. The imposter syndrome one really hit home. I had had so many panic attacks about thinking I tricked people into being my friend, or thinking I was smart.

I highly suggest watching these short tik toks, you'll definitely learn something

https://vm.tiktok.com/wVvcYA/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqRRUf/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnqhvX/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wqeyYg/

https://vm.tiktok.com/wnoE7u/

https://vm.tiktok.com/Kas6gB/

https://vm.tiktok.com/owM9hs/

Imposter syndrome

I am also linking an article about Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Autism that explains why my psychiatrist was wrong, and also I am a girl and the spectrum is called a spectrum because it's a fucking spectrum no two autistic people are exactly the same it's like a color wheel.

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/problem-sheldon-cooper-and-cute-autism-387783

Here is a fun comic about the spectrum and how to view it.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

I am still learning about myself, and how to be me, and how to be myself but without breaking bad social rules. It's quite humorous though because I'll learn something is related to autism and I'm like oh shit again, like still, like, we're still discovering things.

"Tu ne me manques pas"

Bis später,

Astoria.

[popliar]

quick thoughts on the bts spotify mixtapes

aka i talk a lot of nonsense

Rap Monster: Careful to play by mixtape rules, but also the most eclectic and diverse mix in terms of genre and time. Bon Iver AND Aphex Twin AND Sade AND Chet Baker. Plus! Pre-OKC Radiohead! I love this nerd sob. I think it kinda reflects who he wants to be, it’s his aspirational self - broad-minded, genre-crossing, able to draw influences from the past as well as look ahead to current/future trends, a little edgy in a geeky way. OR as I think of it - Namjoon as college kid AU: the soundtrack.

Rap Monster’s Heavy Rotations Film - Aphex Twin - Come To Daddy PRBLMS - 6LACK - FREE 6LACK 143 - Musiq Soulchild - Aijuswanaseing I Love You - Lido - I Love You High and Dry - Radiohead - The Bends My Funny Valentine - Chet Baker - Chet Baker Sings Karaoke - Drake - Thank Me Later One Mic - Nas - Greatest Hits Swim Good - Frank Ocean - Swim Good CPU - Raury, RZA - All We Need Really Love - D’Angelo - Black Messiah U-RITE - THEY. - U-RITE Baby Blue - King Krule - 6 Feet Beneath The Moon About You - xxyyxx - Xxyyxx By Your Side - Remastered - Sade - The Ultimate Collection Rain - Razah - Rain Cleanin’ Out My Closet - Eminem - The Eminem Show Déjà Vu - TWENTY88 - TWENTY88 Perth - Bon Iver - Bon Iver

Suga: Look at this focus and discipline! Just the adherence to form and theme and its brevity make it stand out. There's nothing like super underground or surprising here and I'm wary of saying this expresses something personal the way Namjoon's does - but this is a good solid 'snapshot of the genre'. Also I'm just so unreasonably pleased both he and Namjoon included Nas.

SUGA’S Hip-Hop Replay N.Y. State of Mind - Nas - Illmatic XX POWER - Album Version (Edited) - Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy New God Flow.1 - Album Version (Edited) - Kanye West, Pusha T - Kanye West Presents Good Music Cruel Summer The Way I Am - Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP Losing Out (feat. Royce Da 5’9) - Black Milk, Royce Da 5’9 - Tronic My Moment (feat. 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih) - DJ Drama, 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih - My Moment (feat. 2 Chainz, Meek Mill, Jeremih) HYFR (Hell Ya F***ing Right) - Album Version - Drake, Lil Wayne - Take Care (Deluxe) This or That - Prod. by Statik Selektah - Reks, Styles P, Termanology, DJ Corbet, Freeway, - Rhythmatic Eternal King Supreme Ali Bomaye - The Game, 2 Chainz, Rick Ross - Jesus Piece Bugatti - Ace Hood, Future, Wiz Khalifa, T.I., Meek Mill, French Montana - Trials & Tribulations (Deluxe) Notorious Thugs - Amended, 2014 Remastered Version - The Notorious B.I.G. - Life After Death (Remastered Edition) [Amended] Work Out - J. Cole - Work Out (Clean Version)

J-Hope: Looser adherence to theme and form, maybe a freer expression of personality? Seems like a good mix of stuff he genuinely likes without having overthought it. This is a fun one and I forgive The Chainsmokers because I for real gasped when I saw he included Blue (!), ASAP Rocky's Fashion Killa (!!) and Diddy & Faith's I'll Be Missing You (!!!!). HE’S MY FAVE FOR A REASON YOU KNOW.

J-Hope’s JAM Sunday Candy - Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment - Surf Beware - Big Sean, Jhene Aiko, Lil Wayne - Beware One Love - Blue - One Love i - Kendrick Lamar - i YOUTH - Troye Sivan - Blue Neighborhood (Deluxe) Dance On Me - GoldLink - And After That, We Didn’t Talk Fashion Killa - A$AP Rocky - LONG.LIVE.A$AP (Deluxe Version) Talk - DJ Snake, George Maple - Encore Knock Knock - Mac Miller - Knock Knock - Single Cinderella (feat. Ty Dolla $ign) - Mac Miller, Ty Dolla $ign - The Divine Feminine Fakin It (feat. Ofelia K) - Kaskade, Felix Cartal - Fakin It (feat. Ofelia K) Sidewalks - The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar - Starboy さくらんぼ - LOVE IS BORN ~13th Anniversary 2016~ - Ai Otsuka - LOVE IS BORN ~13th Anniversary 2016~ I’ll Be Missing You (feat. 112) - Diddy, Faith Evans, 112, Bad Boy’s 10th Anniversary- The Hits Paris - The Chainsmokers - Paris Closer - The Chainsmokers - Closer No. 99 - Joey Bada$$ - B4.DA.$$

Jin: I like how this is split into two halves, like a cassette with a side A and a side B, divided down the middle with some beautifully subtle and understated self-promo - never change Jin!!! At the same time Idk how personal this one is either. The mix of pretty mainstream hiphop with pretty mainstream  top 40 and rnb is solid but very safe. Like he figured out who we expect him & BTS to be, and goodnaturedly played along. (That said there is a lot to be said for playing safe, as we get to the maknae line playlists...)

Jin’s GA CHI DEUL EUL LAE? Lost - BTS - WINGS (LOL I HATE JIN) Weight in Gold - Gallant - Ology Black and Yellow - Wiz Khalifa - Rolling Papers 6 Foot 7 Foot - Lil Wayne, Cory Gunz - Tha Carter IV (Deluxe) Rap God - Eminem - The Marshall Mathers LP2 Black Skinhead - Kanye West - Yeezus Hold On, We’re Going Home - Drake, Majid Jordan - Nothing Was The Same (Deluxe) It’s Definitely You - V, Jin - HWARANG, Pt. 2 (Music from the Original TV Series) (JIN IS THE #1 PROMOTER) Viva La Vida - Coldplay - Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends Fix You - Coldplay - X & Y Kiss the Sky - Jason Derulo - Kiss the Sky Ain’t Giving Up - Craig David, Sigala - Following My Intuition (Deluxe) Party - Chris Brown, Usher, Gucci Mane - Party Love Right Next To You - Karina - Love Right Next To You

Jungkook: He is an adorable baby who loves soft things AWWWW! This is just... the softest mix ever. And I wanna know who got into the Eels first, him or Jimin? Who introduced them to the Eels, of ALL THE BANDS IN THE WORLD? This is way too long and sleepy for me to enjoy for more than a couple of songs at a time, it’s just not my style tbh. But I find it really endearing and genuine. No posturing.

Jungkook: I am Listening to It Right Now DNA - Lia Marie Johnson - DNA ILYSB - STRIPPED - LANY - Make Out I Need Some Sleep - Eels - Meet the EELS: Essential EELS 1996-2006 Vol.1 Beautiful Lies - Birdy - Beautiful Lies Dear No One - Tori Kelly - Foreword Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae Ghost in the Wind - Birdy - Ghost in the Wind What Do You Mean? - Justin Bieber - Purpose (Deluxe) Clouds - Before You Exit - Clouds - Single Lullaby - Arco - Coming to Terms Dream Lantern - RADWIMPS - Your Name. Nandemonaiya - Movie Version - RADWIMPS - Your Name. Heavy Weather - Bilie Marten - Heavy Weather Oasis - Jasmine Thompson - Oasis Boyfriend - Acoustic Version - Justin Bieber - Believe Acoustic Colors Of The Wind - From “Pocahontas” - Tori Kelly - We Love Disney Theme of Mitsuha -RADWIMPS - Your Name. 7 Years - Jasmine Thompson - 7 Years Lost Boy - Ruth B. - Lost Boy Mannequin - Yuna - Chapters (Deluxe)

V: I - I don't know what's happening here and I refuse to acknowledge it. (I LOVE YOU TAE but oh. my. god. 0_0)

V's Join Me Advice - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) Undercover - Kehlani - Undercover Distraction - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) CRZY - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) I Wanna Be - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) I Think of You - Jeremih, Big Sean, Chris Brown - I Think of You Castle on the Hill - Ed Sheeran - Castle on the Hill Shape of You - - Ed Sheeran - Castle on the Hill Piece of Mind - Kehlani - SweetSexySavage (Deluxe) Do U Dirty - Kehlani - Do U Dirty Crash (feat. Pell) - Skizzy Mars, Pell - Alone Together Alcoholics - Skizzy Mars - Alone Together Comb - Skizzy Mars - Alone Together Recognize (feat. JoJo) - Skizzy Mars, JoJo - Alone Together Fantasy (TEEMID Remix) - Alina Baraz, Galimatias, Teemid - Urban Flora (Remixes) I Will Be There - Agapornis, Come & C, ChocQuibTown - I Will Be There Falling Into You (studio version) - Hillsong Young & Free - Youth Revival Acoustic Heart Attack (Snakehips Remix) - Flight Facilities, Owl Eyes, Snakehips - Heart Attack (Remixes) Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy - Songbird Creep - Karen Souza - Karen Souza Essentials

Jimin: Idky but this seems like exactly the sort of playlist a guy his age would be into? It's a fun mix again. AND EELS AGAIN WHY AND HOW. This lacks the period diversity of Hobi's but otherwise seems like a good counterpart. Like. It’s fine. 

Jimin's Joah? JOAH! Pillowtalk - Zayn - Men's Health: Beach Body Workout Motel Pool - Travis Garland - Travis Garland Stayin Out All Night - Wiz Khalifa - Stayin Out All Night Private Show - T.I., Chris Brown - Paperwork (Deluxe Clean) Lot To Learn - Luke Christopher - TMRW I Need Some Sleep - Eels - Meet the EELS: Essential EELS 1996-2006 Vol. 1 Alive (feat. Coucheron) - Kehlani, Coucheron - You Should Be Here You Should Be Here - Kehlani - You Should Be Here The Way (feat. Chance the Rapper) - Kehlani, Chance the Rapper - You Should Be Here Let Me Love You - DJ Snake, Justin Bieber - Encore Mark My Words - Justin Bieber - Purpose (Deluxe) Fa La La (a cappella) - Justin Bieber, Boyz II Men - Under the Mistletoe (Deluxe Version) Coffee - Miguel, Wale - Coffee face the sun - Miguel, Lenny Kravitz - Wildheart (Deluxe Version) Shape of You - Ed Sheeran - Shape of You i hate u, i love u (feat. olivia o'brien) - gnash, Olivia O'Brien - us Lost - Frank Ocean - channel ORANGE (explicit) Never Be the Same (feat. Jay Rock) - Ty Dolla $ign, Jay Rock - Beach House EP So Cold - Chris Brown - Graffiti

Overall winner: hyung line by a M I L E.