#I’m going painfully slowly cuz I’m having so much anxiety

[watchyourbuck]

Okay given I haven’t watched the whole show that’s on ME but I just ran into drunk Buck™️ idek from which season when he kisses another girl while having a girlfriend bUT WHAT IF it was EDDIE????

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

It's that time once again when Diabolical plays in my head on loop.

Can I please get fic where Hels gets back on hermitcraft server? Causing some shenanigans and general trouble?

This was so much fun to write, thank you!! It also ended up being WAY more angsty than I expected but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it anyway, my friend :) Slight CW: minor descriptions of injuries

...

  Welsknight had been avoiding his nether portal as much as possible since he saw his doppelganger disappear through it. Something about the formerly harmless particles and whooshing noise when he walked past it now just about gave him an anxiety attack every time he walked past it. Once, when Jevin popped out of it to say hello just hours after Helsknight had left, Wels had reacted so violently that Jevin was STILL wary around him all these months later. 

  Nobody used his portal anymore. He made sure of that. 

  One sunny day, he finally worked up the courage to go to the shopping district, something he hadn’t dared to do in weeks in case something happened. He went straight past his own portal and flew all the way to Etho’s; there was no way he was going to use the portal his evil clone went through to go back to the hell dimension from which he had come. 

  The shopping district had changed a lot in the weeks Wels had been avoiding it. He couldn’t help staring around at the myriad of new shops that had sprung up. It almost seemed like an entirely new place. 

  As Wels entered the barge, he found another Hermit already inside, browsing the chest full of golden carrots. 

  “Hi, Joe,” said Wels politely, unable to hide a smile at the sight of his old friend. 

  Joe turned and gave him a wave. “Howdy, Wels. Haven’t seen you around here for a few weeks.”

  “Yeah, it’s been… a while. Just been busy, that’s all.” Wels awkward;y indicated the chest. “You, uh… buying stuff?”

  “Nah, I’m not dealing with diamonds this season. I thought Grian might be open to some kind of trading system using stuff other than diamonds but he hasn’t responded to my message yet, so in the meantime, I’m-.” He broke off with a frown. “Okay, I think I might have forgotten to actually send the message.”

  Wels chuckled. “You’re busy too, huh? You only start forgetting stuff when you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

  Joe matched his chuckle. “I’ve got quite a few projects going at the moment, yes. You wanna come over to my base sometime and I’ll show you what I’m working on?”

  “That sounds nice, Joe, thanks.”

  At that moment, the sound of a firework going off nearby caused both of them to look up. A second later, a figure glided through the door and landed neatly on the ground, his elytra closing as he took a few steps further into the room. “Hey, Wels,” Etho said, giving a friendly wave. “Man, you really got here fast.”

  Wels frowned at his friend. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I just saw you over by Shade-E-E’s a minute ago. You said hello to me and everything.”

  “That…” Wels’s heart skipped a beat. “That wasn’t me.”

  Etho frowned back. “Well, then… Someone must’ve stolen a spare set of armour or something, cuz it looked exactly like you.”

  “Oh…” Blinking very fast, Wels let out a nervous breath. “Oh, boy… Please don’t tell me he’s back…”

  Etho and Joe exchanged a confused look. “Who?” asked Joe.

  Wels considered either making something up or dismissing his comment, but looking at the concerned faces of two of his best friends on the server, he decided to tell the truth. “The evil clone of myself that Beef and I accidentally created who ran off into the nether after I beat him in a rap battle when he tried to destroy the server.”

  Etho stared at him with wide eyes. 

  “I thought it might be something like that,” said Joe, nodding.

  “How can you possibly have been expecting that?” Wels said in disbelief.

  Joe shrugged. “I’ve heard weirder.”

  “Well… anyway. His name is Helsknight and he’s from a nether-like dimension called Hels, apparently. I thought I’d driven him back to where he came from but I should’ve known he wouldn’t stay away for long.”

  “To be frank, beating him in a rap battle isn’t quite as definitive as beating him in PVP,” said Joe. 

  Wels scowled. “The last time I tried PVP, you dropped an anvil on my head from a great height.”

  “Oh yeah.” Joe snickered. “I did.”

  “Leaving that aside,” said Etho, “it seems there’s an evil clone of you loose on the server, so we should probably deal with that. Helsknight, you said his name is?”

  Wels nodded. “He looks exactly like me except his eyes are red, his armour is slightly greyer than mine, and his hair is a darker shade of blond.”

  “Ohh, I noticed the darker armour,” said Etho. “I just thought it was the shade from my shop. I guess we’d better go find him, huh?”

  “Yeah, I need to find him before he causes any more chaos. You guys should probably warn the other Hermits so they-.”

  “No, we’re coming with you to find him,” Etho interrupted. 

  “It’ll be quicker if the three of us look together,” Joe added. “Plus, I’ve never met an evil clone before, so it would be rather thrilling to do so.”

  Wels frowned at his friends. “Are you sure? He’s really dangerous. I don’t know exactly what he’s capable of, but he’s from a hellfire dimension, so...”

  “As sure as the day is long,” replied Joe, patting his friend on the shoulder. “You need our help and we aren’t gonna abandon you.”

  As Etho nodded, Wels gave a small smile. “Thank you, guys. I really appreciate it.”

  “No worries. So where should we look first?” asked Etho.

  “Well…” Wels thought for a moment. “He’s probably trying to cause some shenanigans on the server. If we check certain prominent places on the server, we’ll probably find him trying to lure me out somehow.”

  “I’ll check the rest of the shopping district, then,” said Joe. “He might still be here.”

  “I’ll have a look round the nether hub and the Upside Down,” Etho added. “You said he’s from a nether-like dimension so he might gravitate there. What about you, Wels?”

  “I’m going to Bdubs’s castle,” said Wels. “It’s the most medieval build on the server, so if he isn’t there now, he’ll end up there eventually.”

  “Okay, but be careful, Wels,” Etho said softly. “Don’t do anything reckless.”

  “I won’t.”

  With that, the group split up. 

  Wels flew straight over to Bdubs’s base. As he got closer, he couldn’t help marvelling at the sheer size and grandeur of the cliff and the castle sitting atop it. It was one of the grandest bases on the servers, so Wels felt sure he would find his clone here.

  He landed atop the cliff and started looking around. As he explored further, he spotted the person he was looking for standing at the entrance to Bdubs’s castle. 

  “If you’re looking for your little friend Bdoubleo, he’s in the nether,” crowed Helsknight. “I watched him go through his portal.”

  Wels glared up at his doppelganger. “You know I’m not looking for Bdubs.”

  “Are you here to rap battle with me again, then?” Helsknight grinned. “I warn you: I’ve been practising.”

  Shaking his head, Wels drew his sword. “No, Hels. I’m going to do what I should have done in the first place.” 

  Helsknight sighed and drew his own sword. “So boring. Come on, then.”

  His doppelganger’s relaxed, indifferent manner sent a bolt of anger straight into Wels. Letting out a yell, he charged to attack.

  Their battle lasted at least ten minutes, though to Wels, it felt like hours. He poured all his energy into his swings, attacking his evil clone with all the rage and fear that had threatened to consume him since Helsknight had disappeared into the nether all those months ago. He was done letting his negative emotions control his life. 

  Finally, Wels managed to knock Helsknight’s sword out of his hand and kick him to the ground, aiming his own sword at his evil clone’s neck. 

  Helsknight simply grinned evilly up at him. “You gonna kill me, Welsy? I wouldn’t do it if I were you; we Hels Hermits only get stronger when we die. If you kill me, I’ll come back with a vengeance. We have a special lava fountain in Hels that can-.”

  “Oh, shut up,” snapped Wels suddenly. “I’m not going to kill you, but not because of any stupid threats you make. I don’t care what you have in Hels. I’m not going to kill you, because I’m merciful. But if you ever come back here again, I won’t be so forgiving. Do you understand?”

  Helsknight simply stared back at him. “You’ve got some great friends here, Welsy. Better hold onto them in case something… happens.”

  Wels narrowed his eyes. “You stay away from them. I swear to god, if you-.”

  He hadn’t realised that he had lowered his hand slightly until Helsknight moved, fast as lightning, and kicked the sword out of his hand. Before he could react, Helsknight jumped up and grabbed him by the throat. He took two steps forward and threw Wels over the edge of the cliff. 

  The fall seemed to take only a split second, but the cliff was tall enough that Wels’s left leg broke immediately upon impacting the ground. He lay still in shock, too numb to cry, despite the searing pain in his leg, which was folded painfully underneath his body. 

  Helsknight appeared above him and effortlessly picked him up off the ground, again by the throat. He grinned, his face less than a foot from Wels’s.

  “You know what else we have in Hels?” Helsknight taunted. “Fire. Lots of fire.”

  He lifted his free hand, which was now engulfed in burning hot flames. Wels weakly struggled in his grip, trying to lean as far away from his counterpart as possible, as Helsknight slowly moved the fire closer to his face, taunting him with the fact that he couldn’t escape it. 

  The flames started to burn his face. He held his breath, trying not to let his pain show, trying not to give Helsknight the satisfaction. 

  But finally, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He let out a cry at the burning agony across the side of his face.

  Helsknight barked a laugh and retracted his hand, as if all he’d been after was a reaction from Wels. “Maybe you should stick with the rap battles next time.”

  With that, he dropped Wels on the ground and walked away.

  Wels lay where he fell, unable to move through the burning pain in his face and leg. His chest moved quickly up and down as he struggled for oxygen, still winded from the battle. 

  “Wels!” yelled a familiar voice from somewhere behind him. 

  Seconds later, Joe appeared on his right and Etho on his left, their worried faces peering down at him. 

  “Is he okay?” Joe gasped.

  “H-His face…!” Etho gently touched Wels’s burnt cheek. Wels could feel his friend’s cool fingers trembling. “Wels, can you hear me?”

  Wels couldn’t speak, couldn’t reassure his friends that he would be okay. His leg would heal. His face, he wasn’t sure yet. The only thing he knew wouldn’t heal was the crushing feeling of failure, of knowing that because of said failure, an evil clone of himself was still running around the server, potentially hurting people he cared about. The pain in his leg and face served as an agonising reminder that he wasn’t strong enough to stop his doppelganger. 

  How was he supposed to protect other people when he couldn’t even protect himself?

[naromoreau]

One last prayer

A.N: So I started writing this last year as a present for @minilev who is one of my fave Sharky lovers and has given the fandom SO much! Thank you so much, Anna, baby and have this fic of Dep Callahan and Sharky.

—–

Callahan’s arm sways, carrying the heavy blunt of her steel baseball bat, and the peggie’s skull cracks. A dry, sharp sound, mingling with whines and dead gurgles of throats she just split open. Somewhere at her right there’s a gruff, some indistinct noise that almost sounds like her name. She grabs her pistol, unloading the barrel on the mayonnaise shirt of a hollering peggie who stumbles forward, hands trying to clasp her, and she sees death crawling on his iris before he faceplants on the ground. 

There’s a hoard of screeching voices in her head, noises she has learnt to quash down, but they always manage to shatter her nerves a little. Not that it matters anymore. She’s a killer and this is what she does. There’s no escape from that. 

So she swallows bile, watching the pale rays of a dawn she always expect to never come, and tumbles when frantic hands pull at her cargo pants. 

“–sinner– filthy–,” the peggie says, choking on his own blood, with ghastly conviction, “you’r– killer, –Father – have no mercy.”

Dying words. They never matter. But within her something snaps. 

“I’m not asking for it,” she grouses and her shotgun seals the deal. 

Upclose. It’s a nightmare in red.

“Woah, woah there shorty–” 

Her finger is stuck on the trigger, and her breath is coming in stuttered gasps. She feels Sharky’s big frame pressing behind her, a hand extended over her shoulder, to lower the smoking barrel of her gun. 

“You okay, Dep?” He asks, in a way that implies he believes she’s not. 

A tinge of worry grates on his voice as he leans slightly in front of her, taking a ragged cloth from his back pocket and trying to clean the unsanitary crimson smudges of her face, a rough, calloused hand cupping her chin. 

“Yeah– I just–” She sighs and stalls, because she doesn’t know how to explain it, how it burns her inside. “I’m not what he says,” she finally blurts out. 

Callahan sweeps grime, sweat and blood off her forehead with the heel of her hand and prays Sharky didn’t quite get the pleading underlying lilt in her words. 

But if he did, he doesn’t show it. “Don’t sweat it, dude, those peggies? Fuckin’ psychos, that’s what they are, but uh– I think you need a break, po-po. You gotta eat something.”

He’s a paltry couple of inches away from her, and Callahan sees the concern in the heavy frown he’s sporting, his gaze probably taking in her red-rimmed eyes, and the tufts of blood-crusted hair. She wonders if he can see the panic flickering on her eyes– And suddenly she feels like hiding, like scrambling away from his grasp because she feels like shit, and she looks like shit, and at some point Sharky is going to realize that. Her stomach rolls over at the thought, with a stark thunk she can almost hear.

But he pulls her into a tight hug, and she doesn’t want to think about how hard her fingers curl around handfuls of his hoodie, cheek burrowed in his chest until her nose can’t take anything else than sweat, propane and gunsmoke. Slowly, her dismay coils, subsided. 

“It’ll be alright, shorty, I got you.”

—–

“Can I use your shower?” She’s feeling the stomach-churning smell of death burning her nose, sticking to her clothes, which are going directly to the trash bin.

“Uh, sure, just- just don’t drink it. Bliss in the pumps, y’know.” He shrugs.

The water is not too cold, after all it’s mid-july and the sun is scorching high above. She hears Sharky fumbling in the kitchen and his words waft, dampened by five inches of drywall.

“How about some bacon and eggs, and uh, beers? What ya say shorty?”

“Sounds fine,” she yells over the hard splash of water. She scrubs a little too hard, a little too rough, until her skin is just a scour away of being raw.

Honestly, Callahan doesn’t want to give a second thought to the whirling shit in her head, or the fact she’s dwindling Hope County’s population in very indictable ways.

She just wants to sink and let herself marinate in something good for once.

“All ready, chica! Bacon is all crispy and– oh shit, shit– yeah, eggs are hot.”

Something good like Sharky. Callahan ponders what seems like an askew path and bites her lip, but she doesn’t have the heart to drag him down to that specific level of hell she feels like visiting every day. It ain’t fair.

So she sighs and wraps herself in a threadbare green towel, too small for her liking.

“Smells nice.” Her stomach grumbles already committed to devour whatever will appear in front. “Damn, Shark, didn’t know you could cook.”

“Oh, this is nothin’” Sharky answers with his back turned, arranging plates and forks over the counter, “you gotta try my casserole, man, I make a killer casse–”

He spins. She sees him faltering, eyes sliding down at a torturously slow pace over every inch of skin she’s showing and his jaw falls, slack. The heavy hitch in his movements is painfully evident as he takes a small pace forward.

Callahan’s skin prickles under his gaze and the way his eyes linger at the hidden apex of her thighs make heat pool in her sex, irradiating in belching waves all over her. It’s not as if he hadn’t seen her bits, more often than not to patch her up in the roaring distress of battle, diving under flitting bullets. But not like this. Never like this.

Her fingers clasp the towel, and she shuffles two shy paces forward, trying to flash him a coy smile. His cheeks are red and his throat bobs as he swallows, finally fixing wide open eyes on hers.

“You uh, you need some clothes,” he says, breathless. Sharky clears his throat and fastens his stare to her face, something that makes her heart flutter. He’s trying to be proper, trying to be a friend, when the only thing she wants right now is to toss that tilt-a-whirl of anxiety over the window and seize the moment.

“Do I?”

“Are ya– are you messing with me?”

A small flare of doubts spark in her, but unwanted images flicker in her eyelids, like a film she refuses to watch. Hopes wane and she needs this. Needs him. Callahan closes the distance and gives him a chaste kiss.

For a moment he seems to lose the ability to speak, blinking as a deer caught in the headlights. And then he moves.

He cups her jaw with trembling hands and Rook lets the towel slide down the floor, pressing herself against him, and twinning her arms around his neck. When his mouth meet hers, there’s a jolt hurtling from her toes to her temples, amped a hundred voltages when he glides his tongue across her lips and in, tasting her thoroughly.

“Oh man, oh man, oh man–” he almost warbles between raspy moans when they break apart and Callahan kisses the side of his neck with an intensity she can’t control.

He’s flushed an eager, nipping at where her neck meets her shoulder, hands digging into her soft curves. She allows him to pull her to the couch with fingers that dig into her skin, his erection rubbing against her stomach, making her toes curl in anticipation.

The upholstery whines when he falls over it, Callahan clambered over his lap, and he quickly takes off his hoodie and hat, tossing them to a corner.

“Am I– is this real?” he breathes, giving her the most adoring look she’s ever seen. “C’mon shorty, pinch me, ‘cuz I don’t– I mean…”

“I want you, Shark.” She’s conscious of the demanding tone in her words but she doesn’t care. Apparently neither does him.

A shy smile spreads on his face, as he draws her closer, hands cinching tightly around her waist. “I’m blissed as fuck, am I? ”

He closes his lips around her nipple, sucking and rolling his tongue over it and making her arch in response. She’s soaked, the musk of her arousal closing down on her while he nothing but plays with her peaks, showing her he indeed was good at this. So good at this.

His fingers prod at her cunt, breaching her for him helped by the wetness gathered between her thighs. A breathless moan breaks from her throat, as she feels her walls clenching, ready to take more.  

The harrowing screams and cries seem to subside with every second she dives more and more into him.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he says amidst labored breaths, “but uh, you still sure ‘bout this?”

There’s a glimmer of uncertainty in his blue eyes, and she hurries to muffle them with a hard kiss. “Fuck yes, Shark,” she says, fanning his lips with halted gasps, “you’ve no idea how much I want this.” There’s the pinch of a doubt at the back of her mind, like a cold, dead hand caressing the nape of her neck. Splitting her will in half.

“For-for real?” He stutters, unassuming of her mental ordeal.

His whole face lights up, watching her nod, spilling words she can’t quite catch against her skin.

She tugs at his belt, freeing his erection in record time, ripping broken gasps out of him. Fast enough to not think about why. His hands wander over her body as she finally rises on her knees and takes him in her hand.

“Oh, shit–”

He seems about to faint, his eyes almost crossing as she slowly takes him in. Her bottom lip disappears in her mouth trying to quench the cry that threatens to tear from her throat. He’s long, wonderfully thick, demanding a minute from her to adjust. It’s been perhaps a year since the last time she did this, and even when she’s had her fair share of action, the hot press of his cock is testing her limits. For a minute Callahan lets herself go, pulling at his hair, raking teeth over his neck.

“Fuck, shorty, you feel so good.”

His voice is low pitched, a rasp, hoarse sound that scrapes along her skin. Sharky tilts his head back, and thrusts upwards.

“Shit.” She parts her lips slightly, her head buzzing with overwhelming pleasure as he sinks into her. The drag of his dick feels amazing against her walls, making her want to ride him hard and fast until they have nothing more to give. Until she’s full of him and nothing else. Until the screeches and the sour smell of decay finally disappear. Callahan closes her eyes, making every downstroke scratch on violence.

“Easy, babe, easy.” His words sound like a low grunt, as he steadies her, by the hips. His eyes could scorch her and her gut twist with want and something undefinable. “Don’t– don’t wanna end this too soon.”

But her own peak comes too quick, crashing against every single wall she has. Her thighs quiver, her cunt pulsating and dragging him until he grunts and spills inside her.

There’s so much one can hide in their every day and when Callahan looks at Sharky, pure glint of joy in his eyes, a peaceful smile reeking adoration, her heart stops.

She can’t do this. Whatever this is. Not if not for the right reasons, which are many and spread out for everyone who wants to see it. Yes, yes. She loves him. But he deserves better.

Better than a venom-filled cop, who by now, has more blood in her hands than everyone in the county combined. Someone who isn’t going down the hill with every passing second, and isn’t a step away to be catalogued as a psychopath. And proudly so.

“Shorty? You ‘aight?”

The silence is strained, and Callahan tries her best smile, scurrying away from his lap with a faint “yeah, be right back”. She can feel the pungent smell of decay reeking from the clothes in the trash bin in the bathroom, reminding her that maybe, just maybe, the peggie from before wasn’t mistaken at all.

She is what he said.

Suddenly the air is too scarce, the walls too close, her skin too tight. She dresses in her former discarded clothes all while listening to Sharky pratting about drinking wine and watch something.

She can’t do this.

“…and the second season is even better than the first,” Sharky is saying out of sight. “You ok there?”

Lead bars constrict her heart. “Yeah, give me a sec.”

Silently, just as Peaches hunting, she opens the door of the trailer and runs. It’s better this way, even if Sharky won’t get it.

Unholstering her gun, she makes her way to Eden’s Convent. The turmoil inside her needs to be quashed down, and sometimes that’s something just bullets can do.

[katpapple]

A Test of Courage

A Test of Courage

A Banri x Kat fanfic

This is a self ship fic, uwa. Hope you like it! qwq

Focus was drawn to the tv screen as the competition occupies his attention. Well, most of it anyway. Banri’s brow furrowed, his eyes narrowing with a frustrated growl. Itaru on the other hand had a completely stone faced expression, magenta irises honed in on the fight as he won the match once again. The younger man let out a sigh of defeat, rubbing his temples in small circles.

“Dammit…” He muttered. Banri’s skills were rusted. Though they shouldn’t have been; he practiced fighting the character Itaru was good at with her, after all. What was causing him to feel so distracted? His mind was drifting all over the place to so many different thoughts, but it always went back to those smoky blue eyes - that rosy cheeked smile - and those wavy blond locks. The image left a lasting imprint, one that was shaking him to the core. 

“Wow, your game was off today,” Of course Itaru noticed. “Alright, spill it. What’s going on?” And go figure he would want to know what’s on Banri's mind. This made the Autumn Troupe leader groan as he was trying to find good wording.

“It’s nothin’. Must be an off day for me.” Yeah, no kidding. He was just reiterating Itaru’s point. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk, it’s just that the words were escaping him. He didn’t wanna sound like a fool that wasn’t making any sense. Though right now, it felt like nothing was making sense to him. Why did he feel this way again?

“You like Kat a lot, don’t you?”

“Huh?” The brunette took a glance at the man sitting next to him.

“I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that you like her in a romantic sense. Your expressions seem so much more soft and doting around her. Plus, Kazunari said you two eat lunch together more often at class now.”

Shit. Banri’s cover was blown. Light brown strands were slicked back through his fingers as he tried not to keel over from the blatantly humiliating callout from Itaru. Now he remembered why he was so off today. It was Kat; She was all Banri could think about right now. He thought about playing it cool, feigning ignorance, but that wouldn't work. Not when Itaru knew him well enough to pick up on his mood just from his performance when gaming. A disgruntled sigh left slightly chapped lips, and Banri rested his chin in the palm of his hand.

"I don't know what it is about her, but-" He paused. "Whenever I'm near her lately, I kinda freeze up and I can feel my face getting warmer." Honestly, it pissed him off a little. He thought he sounded so stupid; getting this flustered around a girl he'd known for about a year now made him feel like some sort of protagonist from a romance anime. Even now, he felt his face rise in temperature, and he could deduce that his cheeks were definitely flushed. God, he felt so hopeless.

"Wow." A reaction that caught the young man off guard.

"The hell do you mean by that?" The question caused Itaru to chuckle, a smile decorating his face with mischief.

"Sounds to me like your life's not in super ultra easy mode anymore, am I right?"

The worst part was that Banri couldn't disagree.

"Ha ha, very funny Itaru," He replied in a mocking tone. "Though, I ain't gonna say that you're wrong. Cuz you're not."

"Well, if I'm not wrong, what's stopping you? Are you scared of rejection?"

"Ha! Scared of rejection? I'm Banri goddamn Settsu," He said that with a smile that so painfully indicated he was scared. "I can bet if I confessed to her right now, she'd be-"

"Banri, I know you're lying." That sentence… Why did it cut so deep? It shouldn't. It was true, of course, but the fact he wasn't able to get away with it made him feel like a deer in the headlights. An anxious pang in his chest only grew as Itaru continued.

"Just like always, you're afraid of losing. Typical Banri mannerisms for you, I guess." 

"A'ight, ya don't have to rub it in, bastard…" Both men let out soft laughter. Though Banri's was born out of fear. It pulsed in his heart, every scenario in his head playing out with the worst possible outcome. These feelings of longing- of teenage anxiety- of a racing heartbeat and lovesick laughter- all of it was so foreign. So exciting. Yet all the same, incredibly terrifying.

"It's just… she's such a cool person, y'feel me?" Banri started. "I mean, she's smart, she's kind, and so freaking talented on stage. And whenever I see her smile and gush over something she loves, her face lights up and it's just so fuckin' cute." At that moment, he snickered, looking at Itaru eye to eye for the first time in that conversation. "And, shit, don't get me started on how her occasional moments where she gets a bit flighty and airheaded make me so damn happy. Like, she can be so mature and caring, but also a bit of a klutz who doesn't always think things through, but also super passionate and energetic, just-"

"Your perfect girl, right?" Banri nodded in agreement with Itaru's statement. In all senses, to Banri, Kat was perfect. Even with all the little flaws and quirks, like her occasional bursts of temper, the way her face flushed tomato red when embarrassed, it was all lovely to him. The two of them got along so well, but he remembered that it’d be likely she’d just like to be friends. 

“I wanna tell her. I want her to know how much she makes me smile, man. I want her to know how god damn beautiful she is. But I don’t wanna make things awkward between us either, y’know?” This elicited a tired look from Itaru.

“Dude, it’s gonna be awkward within the first stages of dating anyhow. Better to tell her and at least get your feelings out and face rejection rather than keep going down this back and forth with yourself.”

“Well how the hell am I supposed to do that?!” The blonde shrugged.

“Meh, I dunno. Never dated anyone so I’m useless in that department.” That just turned Banri’s frustration into desperation.

“At least give me something, dude!” An eye roll from Itaru.

“Look, the best advice I can give is ask to talk to her and see where things go from there. Tell her how you feel about her. Y’know, regular confession stuff.”

“Guess that’s a start…” That unfortunately didn’t do much to settle the nerves from the realization that- oh no- he had to confess to the woman he’s slowly grown to pine for this past year and a half. This wasn’t going to be easy, he knew that for sure.

The next morning makes itself known to Banri from the sun’s rays tickling his face, and the absence of Juza’s snoring. It was the weekend, so he didn’t really have anything to do. Accept… he DID have something to do. Something he desperately didn’t want to do, but wanted to do at the exact same time. He could smell breakfast from his room. Pancakes and bacon. It distracted him from the nervous sensation in his stomach.

After a quick shower, he walks down the stairs, sleep still leaving him in a daze as he reaches the dining room. Pretty much everyone was here, save for Itaru and Masumi who were sleeping in. Kat was on the couch, sketchbook in her hands as she waited for Omi to finish breakfast. She looked up from the paper in Banri’s direction, and gave him a soft smile that melts him into a puddle of happiness.

“Morning, BanBan.” BanBan. A nickname she gave him that she used for some lighthearted fun. It caught him off guard, and he thought it was silly, but after a while, he really grew to love it. It was a nice little term of endearment to the both of them. Though mainly, she was too cute to say no to. Her laughter whenever she used it was enough to get him to laugh along from how infectious it was. Banri sat next to his fellow classmate, and gave a half smile in return.

“Mornin’ Kat. Good to see your face. Always brightens my mood.” A light giggle and a faint hint of blush on those already rosy red cheeks caught Banri’s attention. 

“Aww, look at you being all sweet and charming today. Who are you, and what have you done with Banri?”

“Pfft, wow, rude.” The two of them laughed quietly so as to not disturb everyone else. Lord knows Sakyo would be up their asses for it later if they were too loud. “For the record, I’m nice and charming all the time. I’m Banri Settsu after all.” That got Kat to snort.

“Oh my god, that’s so corny, I love it.” Banri chuckled at that. 

“Yeah, it was, my bad.” Then the fear returned. He could hear his heart beating like a hammer, and his hands quivered ever so slightly. “Hey uh… after breakfast, could I tell you somethin’ at the park?” Kat raised her brows inquisitively.

“Huh? Oh, sure!” On cue, Omi called everyone to the dining room. Breakfast was ready. Kat set down her drawing supplies, and made her way to the table, Banri following suit behind her. Today’s breakfast was simple, pancakes, bacon and hard boiled eggs. Kat smiled happily; they were some of her favorite things to eat for breakfast.  Banri sat across from her, the both of them eating in silence aside from occasionally joining in for small talk with others at the table. Though Banri had a hard time eating at all. The anxiety from what he would have to do later made his appetite seem smaller today. He excused himself after only finishing about half his plate, which surprised everyone at the table. He gave a quick tap to the young woman’s shoulder. 

“Just meet me there, ok?” A nod accompanied by a hum of confirmation from Kat was Banri’s cue to leave. His shoulders tensed up as he left, putting on his shoes before starting a jog to the park. The whole time he ran, he could feel his resolve waver more than it already was. ‘What if it isn’t worth it? What if she’ll feel uncomfortable?’

‘What if we’ll never be the same after this?’

It scared him so bad. And it manifested into tears threatening to spill and pour down his cheeks. His mouth felt dry, his breath laboured as he sprinted frantically to the park, stopping in his tracks at the park’s fountain before it all broke loose. Choked sobs left him as he tried to catch his breath. His lip quivered as tears rolled down his cheeks. Banri tried to collect himself, wiping his eyes and nose, and steadying his shaky breath. This break in confidence made him feel so stupid. He felt ashamed for being so afraid. He felt even more stupid because he knew Kat would ask what’s wrong. He didn’t want her to worry. He wasn’t used to it. His parents never paid much attention; he was perfect at everything. Right now though, he was far from that supposed perfect man he was. He was vulnerable; he was second guessing himself. If Kat saw him like this - all clumsy and anxious over a confession - what would she think of him? 

“Banri?” That voice made his heart sink. He felt like he was in such deep shit right now. His blood ran cold, but his face was red from crying.

“Banri, are okay? Oh god, were you crying?” Her worried tone made Banri feel so secure, but it was so odd to him. The young man wanted to brush it off, say it was nothing, but that was a lie he knew she’d see through. ‘Fuck it,’ He thought. ‘Might as well follow through on what you told yourself you were gonna do Banri.’

“Yeah, uh… I was.”

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Nah, nah. Well, I mean- I guess? I just- I dunno, I kinda got something on my mind and it’s really stressin’ me out.” A hand came to Banri’s back; a reassuring touch to let him know he was ok. 

“Do you wanna talk about it? I’m always here for you, BanBan.” That smile that followed her words felt so warm and welcoming. And the way she said ‘BanBan’ was so different from any other time she said it. In most instances, it was used to joke around with him when they were messing around being idiots together. Here, it was affectionate, and born of concern for her friend’s well being. Somewhere in his heart, Banri felt it wasn’t ok to be open with her despite her reassuring he could tell her. But right now, he didn’t care about his worries. His brain was silently screaming at him right now to get it out, to just go for it even if you two just stay friends. That was ok with him. It may be a bit awkward for a while if she doesn’t reciprocate, but that wouldn’t change how much he liked spending time with her as a friend to begin with. Worries be damned, he supposed it was at least worth a shot.

“Yeah, thanks.” Deep breaths. In and out. “So, I’ve kinda debated back and forth since the last week or so whether or not I should tell you this, cuz I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. But I wanted to tell you how I feel about you, cuz I have a lot on my mind about a lot of stuff. Ever since we started hanging out over the past year, I’ve kinda started to feel really anxious around you. My heart races, my face gets all red and shit, and I start losing my words.  I really don’t wanna beat around the bush with this but I- I really like you. Like, romantically.”

Silence. It hung over for about a couple seconds, but to Banri it felt like a fucking eternity. At this point one could drop a pin and it would be heard that was how silent it was at that moment. But shock filled the young man’s sapphire eyes when Kat took his hand and held it. She cast a little glance, before looking away with a timid smile. She looked like a blushing bride. Banri didn’t know what to do he was so nauseous from the anxiety, but somehow, gently reciprocating the touch felt so natural and normal. Their eyes finally met, and Kat had a really goofy smile. It was lopsided, and one could tell she was happy but also really nervous. Her face was red, which was unsurprising given she’d get like that when she’d be caught singing by the other company members.

“Y’know, I uh… I’ve kinda wanted to tell you the exact same thing so I’m like, really happy right now.”

“Wait, really?” Kat nodded fervently.

“Yes! Y-Yes I- God, I’ve felt so scared too cuz I really didn’t wanna make things awkward between us if you didn’t feel the same way, But you’re just really fun to be around, you’re really handsome, and I love watching you act cuz you try super hard, and it makes me wanna try just as hard too! A-And I really wanna make you as happy as you make me, so… um…! Yeah, I-I really like you, like, a whole lot!”

Banri’s eyes widened in awe. Was this real? Was this a dream? He wasn’t sure, but a big smile spread across his face, and he started to laugh in relief.

“Holy shit, can I hug you please?” She nodded, and Banri hugged her so tight. He felt so happy. It may have been silly of him to cry tears of joy, but nonetheless he did. Just when he thought the tears had dried up, the euphoria made all the emotions rise up to the surface again. He pulled back to look at Kat, and she was crying too. Looks like she was just as scared as well. It made him feel a little better about everything. Banri tenderly brushed his thumb across her cheek, wiping away her tears.

“God, I knew you were adorable, but do you have to have such a cute smile?”

“What can I say? I guess I’m like your little ball of sunshine.”

“You’re damn right about that,” Banri placed a featherlight peck on the cheek. “I love you so much, Kat.”

“Love you too, Banri.”

Those words made him happy. So, so happy. Right now, time stood still. He wanted to stay like this. To stay close, in a warm embrace, pressing gentle, nervous kisses to each other’s lips. And right now, in this little moment, they would stay like this for at least half an hour. Banri vowed to himself, as they both stayed comfortable in that blanket of love, that he would make her so damn happy. Lucky for him, he was already well on his way.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

1-800-273-8255 (Class 1-A X Reader)

Major Trigger Warnings: This story contains attempted suicide, mention of suicide and mention of intrusive thoughts, including some inspired by my own, if any of this triggers you, I strongly apologize.

I wrote this a week ago... and at first I couldn’t bring myself to post it because... well I wasn’t sure if I should but... National Suicide Prevention Month is coming up in September so and then school is starting and... sometimes that can be enough to stress anyone out and trigger  feelings of anxiety and even depression so... I’m finally posting it for those reasons... 

There is a LOT of triggers in this story, I can’t stress that enough it was hard to just write this but... I felt like I had to...

Inspired by feelings I’ve experienced before and sometimes still experience when my intrusive thoughts come back to haunt me.. I also wanted to dedicate this to anyone else who might have felt suicidal, or even just had intrusive thoughts like me, or anyone else who has thought about suicide. You are not alone and you ARE loved.

Again, there’s a lot of triggers in this story so... reader discretion is advised...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

To be a hero, means being someone who can save people with a smile on their face.

But what if the smile isn’t real? What if it’s forced to try and make people believe that you’re okay and that you can do anything for them?

That was your life. You wanted so desperately to be a hero and to save people with a smile on your face. But none of your smiles were real, and they haven’t been in a very long time. You couldn’t even remember the last time you actually gave a true, authentic smile.

Yet here you were, in UA, the famed school for young heroes in training; the same school you sacrificed sleep, food and time to study for and prepare for just to get in. It’s a pressure you’ve been putting on yourself since the beginning, constantly trying your best to fulfill your expectations, for you, for your family, for other things you wanted to do good in.

And it was stressing you out, and every single time you tried something, you felt inadequate, especially to your classmates. Their smiles were real and you kind of hated them for it, and then you went back to hating yourself for thinking like that.

You loved your friends. You especially loved your best friends Izuku, and Ochako, Iida, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima… all of them, and your classmates each had a special place in your heart. Maybe not Mineta that much, but it’s not like you wished ill on the guy, he just seriously needed to take some hardcore classes on how to respect women.

Still, your classmates were amazing, and your new classmate Shinsou, you didn’t even know him until he got transferred into the class and you were so proud of him. He was doing something you knew you would never do, take a step closer to becoming a fantastic hero.

You couldn’t ever be a good hero. You couldn’t ever be a good person…

Everyone knew you for your smile though, but no one knew that your smiles weren’t real. None of them, not even your best friends. Which relieved you, you didn’t want to tell anyone about your problems at all, not even your teacher.

“(L/N).”

He called you right before classes were dismissed as your other classmates were already going out. Despite the anxiety swelling in your chest and threatening to pop, you turned to face him with your trademark smile, “Yes sir?”

You could see what looked like a hint of concern in his dark eyes, focused entirely on you as if trying to see even the smallest hint of trouble from you. This wasn’t the first time you’ve had someone try and look into your soul, but you had become painfully good at burying your emotions down so that way no one could see anything.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die today I just wanna die...

“Have you been all right? Your grades are still decent, but it seems like they’ve been slowly slipping. Your performances in sparring have also been somewhat lacking. Is there… perhaps something wrong?” Aizawa wasn’t criticizing you or judging you, he was just making observations. You were thankful for his lack of judgment though since you haven’t been doing the best lately with all the stress starting to crush you from the inside out.

“Yeah! I just get a little nervous sometimes before a test… I’m… well sir I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m a perfectionist, I just… I always want to be perfect and as a result I’m always afraid of screwing it up. So… sometimes I don’t always take the risks… and I kinda doubt myself in the heat of the moment…” As Aizawa intently stared at you and listened to your explanation, you smiled and blinked back whatever moisture wanted to gather in your eyes. Keeping your voice as level as possible and ignored the misery clawing and tightening around your throat as you swallowed it down.

It hurt… it hurt so much…

“I see.” You had a feeling Aizawa didn’t entirely believe you, but he wasn’t going to pry because for the most part, he believed most of your words since you had shared some of the honest truths with him, especially about your own perfectionism. But he had no idea what was truly going on with you, and you couldn’t be more thankful for that…

“If you need any help, I can offer you some tutoring. It’s my job to help you after all, whether it’s related to class or anything else you might feel comfortable sharing.” He said to you in a rare soft tone you didn’t hear him use often.

Never in your life have you felt so guilty for lying to your teacher, “Thank you sir. I might have to take up that offer on tutoring… I just need a little bit of help that’s all, I think from then on out I can get better and be less of a worry-wart.” You admitted sheepishly with a more bashful smile, which was enough to ease Aizawa just a little bit. “Very well then. Have a good night (L/N).”

He brought most of it, and even though he kept an eye on you as you bowed and left the classroom; he couldn’t see everything you were hiding…

“(Y/N)!”

Izuku had called you when he saw you walking towards Heights Alliance, he was standing at the front with Ochaco, Iida, Tsuyu and Todoroki, “Welcome back!” The brunette was waving to you as you looked over at them, but you were silent for a moment.

At least until you remembered to keep on smiling as you gave them a wave and made your way over to them, “It’s not like I went anywhere sillies…” You said playfully to your little group of friends, “We know! We’re just happy to see you.” The girl said to you kindly, smiling at you and you felt like you were just ready to cry right then and there.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die And let me tell you why...

But you were an expert at holding it all back, so you kept your smile on. “Heh, you’re so easily amused…”

“What did Mr. Aizawa want to talk to you about (Y/N)? Is… everything all right?” Izuku sounded concerned though because he saw and heard your teacher call for you before you could leave with everyone else. Resisting the urge to gasp or even widen your eyes, you chuckled a bit.

“Ah, he was just offering some tutoring for me. You know I’m not the best test-taker and I’m just… a BIT nervous…” You let out a small laugh as you shrugged that off, but you didn’t and couldn’t tell that it just worried your dear friend.

“I can also offer you some of my own help if you feel you need it (L/N).” Iida was kind enough to offer his support to you and you perked up a bit. You always knew Iida was a noble kinda guy, so noble it was annoying sometimes but you appreciated it. And you appreciated it SO much right now…

“Really? Wow… thanks Iida… yeah, I’ll let you know I promise cuz… I’ll take what I can get… Haha…” As you gave another one of your fake laughs, you didn’t see a pensive look from Todoroki neither as he looked right at you.

Still, neither of them wanted to be rude and dig into your private life so they took what you were giving them, “Don’t worry, you’re a hard worker (Y/N), you’ve only been getting stronger and you’ve already got your hero license.” Izuku didn’t shy away from praising you, and it nearly sent you over the edge when he gave you that smile…

“I believe in you.”

It took every ounce of your remaining willpower to hold it all together as your fake smile grew despite the swirl of emotions thrashing inside your chest, “Oh Izuku… thanks… that’s so sweet…” Unable to help yourself, you threw your arms around him and pulled him into the tightest hug, earning a rather high-pitched squeak from your friend as he blushed a bright shade of red.

That was the first time in a long time you actually giggled a true giggle as you saw how flustered he was, “Hee~. You earned it you cutie…” Smiling you couldn’t help but snicker again when Izuku’s face somehow turned even redder as he looked away shyly, “A-Ahh y-y-you’re… y-you’re welcome…”

Hiding his face rather bashfully, you gave him your first true smile before you opened the doors for them to go inside, and you didn’t see the somewhat uncomfortable look on Ochaco’s face after you hugged him like that. But you did see Todoroki glancing at you with those intense grey and cyan eyes. For a moment you thought he caught on, but you just waved and smiled at him.

He wanted to talk to you, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he would even be good at talking to you about personal things since he wasn’t like Izuku after all. And he didn’t want to bother you so he let you be. He knew what it was like to want to keep your personal things to yourself, so he wouldn’t bother you.

And as soon you ran to your dorm-room, falling to your knees as the tears quickly streamed down your face as you threw your hands to your mouth and quelled your sobs as you quietly cried to yourself again. Every day you’ve returned to your room crying, there was little you could do to stop this endless disappointment you felt in yourself and you couldn’t stand it.

You couldn’t handle the way you felt like you were letting everyone down. It felt like you were going crazy, and right now, you just wanted to die.

Eventually, you were able to prop yourself back up from your floor, stumbling as you made your way over to your desk. Writing something that wasn’t your homework…

THE NEXT DAY…

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

It was another day in class, everything was normal, and everyone was smiling as always and cracking some jokes despite the upcoming tests that you were not prepared for. “Hey (Y/N)! We’re thinking about getting together for another study session with Yaoyorozu this weekend, wanna join us?” Kirishima sweetly asked you with that smile.

God you wished you could smile like that…

Instead you selfishly gave him your fake one, “Sure! I’d love that, I could definitely use a lot of studying.” You giggled a little bit as your friend beamed at you, “Great! We’ll get it all done together! Help each other out. Hey I’ll even ask Bakugou to help you out if you want.”

“Word? Oh that’d be awesome…” You were amazed that Kirishima was actually going to try and get Bakugou to help you out. Bakugou! You’ve known the guy since childhood with Izuku, and he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world at all but… he was brilliant so you’d take his help if he actually gave some of it.

“Bakugou~. Hope you don’t mind if Kiri and I ask for some help…” You kinda timidly asked your irritable classmate as he scowled at you, “FINE! But you’d better not waste my time!”

Bakugou was as crass as always, and it both annoyed and amused you as you just gave him one of your smiles, “Thanks dude! Relax I won’t… I know better than that.” You covered your mouth to quell fake giggles, and pretended to be oblivious to the look Bakugou was giving you.

At least until Kirishima and Kaminari started asking him questions and teasing him about having a ‘soft spot’ for you and that made the flustered, explosive teen quite literally explode at them in response.

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die today You don’t gotta die...

There was so much life in Bakugou and Kirishima’s eyes. And in Mina’s, Kaminari’s and Sero’s, and yet no one could see the listlessness in yours.

You didn’t feel like a human being at all.

You wouldn’t let them know though; you would keep your fake face on ss you shared a few insincere laughs with your friends they all got up to get ready to leave as Aizawa dismissed the classes. But you had to wait for him to leave too.

Because you were also getting ready to leave.

“Hey Iida! Leave all the cleaning to me!” You waved to the class representative when he came to the room with the cleaning supplies, “Really?”

“Yeah totally! I haven’t done it in a while.” You said smiling, but Iida seemed to contemplate on leaving you to do such a task all by yourself. So he shook his head, “Please (L/N) allow me to help you, it’s a large class and you shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself.”

Damn his chivalry…

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die Now lemme tell you why

“I’ve cleaned rooms before though, it’s not that bad, besides like I said I haven’t done it in a while so… please let me help out with this. And… I didn’t want to tell you this but I overhead Mineta saying that he was going to try and hide under the stairs to take photos up the girl’s skirts… I feel bad for narc-ing but…I thought you deserved to know.” You had to lie, you hated that you were doing it but you had to…

Iida’s eyes went wide as the thought of his depraved classmate doing such a vile thing, “That Mineta! Thanks for telling me (L/N)! I will stop him as soon as I see him! And thank you for offering to clean the classroom I will have to owe you something in return for this! I will see you in the dorms!” He exclaimed to you gratefully before he rather quickly dashed out to go and reprimand his classmate for something he surprisingly wasn’t going to do, you hoped…

With that your friend was gone. Leaving you alone, and you couldn’t be happier as you looked around the empty classroom. It felt strange without all the faces and bright personalities that colored the room beautifully. The silence numbing your being as you made sure that Mr. Aizawa wasn’t here and that no one else could see or hear anything.

Carefully, you set the cleaning rags on the desk as you opened the window to see the skies one more time. Faint, bell-like chirps tingled in your ears when you heard birds flapping by and then flying outwards to the sky.

How you wished you could be one of those birds, free to fly in whatever direction they wanted and as high as they wished…

Bottom lip quivering you inhaled and exhaled deeply as you removed your UA blazer and tie; symbols of the hero school you knew you didn’t belong in. And you pulled out your hero costume from your bag and placed over your desk. (H/N) was going to be a fantastic hero, but in the end, (H/N) was just another goal you couldn’t complete because you couldn’t do any of the hero work right.

Failure.

That’s all (H/N) was.

You don’t deserve to be here; you don’t deserve to be anywhere…

Nothing would change if you just disappeared. No one might even realize if you disappeared, and it’s the best for everyone, and for yourself.

Everything fell silent in the classroom for a moment as you walked away from the window, staring outside one last time before your legs started to move with your eyes glued to the skies. You took a step onto the ledge before allowing yourself to plummet downwards as gravity pushed you…

Down…

Down...

Glimpses of brightly lit memories flashed before your eyes as you thought briefly of your loved ones one last time as you fell.

Izuku.

Katsuki.

Tsuyu.

Ochaco.

Tenya.

Shoto.

Eijirou.

All of them…

CRASH!

As your body impacted with the hard ground, everything suddenly went blurry as you didn’t see that you landed on your back. An intense, unforgiving wave of agony crashed over your form as you felt something warm leaving in several orifices under your body. Your arm… your legs… you couldn’t move them…

There was nothing you could hear other than the sound of a high-pitched ringing that screamed in your ears and blocked out the piercing, bloodcurdling shrieks coming from your friends and other students. You couldn’t hear them, and you couldn’t see the horrified and tearful looks on their faces. You couldn’t see Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Todoroki trembling as they registered their dear classmate having fallen.

You couldn’t see the looks of shock and horror on Bakugou, Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina or Sero…

You couldn’t see anyone…

You couldn’t see Mr. Aizawa rushing forth desperately as he made his way over to your trembling body as he checked frantically for a pulse as you choked and felt the carmine spilling out the corners of your mouth. It was cold, why was it so cold…?

“SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

ONE DAY LATER…

Guys… I’m so sorry.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with personal issues, with myself, with the person I am and I’m not at all happy with the direction I’m going in. I feel like I’m constantly letting everyone down and disappointing everyone I know and love.

Every morning I wake up and feel like a failure because I wake up from nightmares about me just failing and failing over and over again. I can’t escape the dark place I’m in, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be here with all of you guys.

I haven’t felt like a human being in a long time, and I don’t want to be alive anymore, I just want to die. I know I shouldn’t want that, but I can’t escape this thing that’s constantly plaguing my mind no matter how hard I try.

You guys are the only light I have ever known, which is why I can’t be here anymore, it feels like the darkness has me and I’ve tried so hard to get away from it, but I feel like I can’t fight it. I can’t be the hero I want to be, I try so hard, but nothing I do is good enough. The only good thing in my life right now are you guys, I know you’re all going to be the most fantastic heroes of our generation, so please, keep being Plus Ultra.

I love you all. All of you.

P.S: Please tell Mr. Aizawa that I love him too. And Mr. Yamada, and All-Might too.

(L/N) (Y/N).

Izuku was in tears when he found your suicide note on your bed in your room, an immense surge of so many emotions of shock, grief and remorse crashing over him and his friends as they all heard their classmate read their friends’ note. Each of them all looking distraught and confused as many of them teared up and started sobbing with every word Izuku choked out when he read it. 

And when he read your name, he broke down in heavy sobs as his tears dripped onto the paper that had remnants of your own tears prior to the day before you wrote it. After your suicide attempt you had been admitted into the hospital, but you were comatose and suffered some bad injuries. Recovery Girl did the best she could and healed the broken bones, but she couldn’t only heal so much, the internal bleeding was what worried everyone because currently you were in the very fragile and thin line between life and death. 

No one in 1-A was in a good place.Their classmate tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded and possibly succeeded and it terrified them and made them all break down together...

Izuku in particular was nearly inconsolable as he wept in the common room with everyone else. The only form of comfort all he had was the fact that his closest friends were crying along with him as they each sat with him on the couch. Aoyama holding onto him with his head in his shoulder and Iida on his opposite side with his arm around the two smaller boys.

“I-I can’t believe it…” Ochaco managed to speak as she and Tsuyu hugged each other to comfort each other, “S-She... she seemed like she was fine yesterday…” Tsuyu didn’t want to believe it, but the more she thought about it, the more tears came to her eyes as Ochaco held her hand tightly. The two girls thought you had acted kind of odd, but your smiles were so bright that they both guessed that it blinded them from the pain hidden underneath the light you made sure to constantly radiate.

“I knew… something was wrong…” Todoroki hid his face with his hands as he wiped his tears away, “I thought she was acting strange… but I didn’t ask her…” Guilt etched over his tear-stained face as he buried his face back into his hands, unable to help the ice creeping onto his right side. He had never felt this feeling before, not since his mother was taken away…

But the thought of actually losing a friend, even the very possibility, it was almost too much for him to bear, and he did nothing to stop it…

“It’s my fault… she was in pain…” He sniffled as he shook his head in disappointment, and anger at himself as he punched the side of the couch in frustration. He should have helped you; he knew what it was like to bottle up emotions and yet he didn’t do anything to help you…

“I-It isn’t y-your fault… T-Todoroki… I… I also knew that… s-she was acting different b-but I… I couldn’t… I didn’t even… t-think of asking her… I-I had no idea s-she was even in… s-so much pain…” Izuku couldn’t even finish his sentence as he sobbed a little bit louder as the guilt was eating away at him. He’s been your friend since childhood, how in the world did he not see how much pain you were in?

But before he could beat himself up any further, he felt Iida’s arm tightening around him to try and comfort the boy despite his own mourning. “W-We couldn’t have known… s-she always seemed so… happy… but I… I didn’t even… I-I… I let her smiles convince me that… e-everything was okay… I-I… I failed her… s-she was… in pain and I… m-myself didn’t even…” Iida’s voice cracked as he choked on a sob. He felt just as guilty as his friends did, because it was his job to make sure all of his classmates and friends were all doing good and following the rules. But up until now, he didn’t even think about asking if you or anyone else were feeling okay. And now he realizes that he should have been doing that, especially when had been acting kind of odd. You just seemed so happy he thought you were okay…

“All the time I’ve known her…” Shinsou kept his head turned away as he sat beside himself, not wanting to show his tears as he inhaled and exhaled deeply, “She was always smiling… she even smiled at me… she smiled so much I… thought something didn’t seem right… but I… I pushed her away…” He didn’t know you as well as he wished he did, but you were kind to him at the Sports Festival, even before he got transferred into this course. But he just had to act like the cold, tough guy and push you away even when you were still kind to him…

Never in his life has he ever wished he could go back in time to reverse that…

“O-Oui but… it’s… s-sometimes the ones who smile most… a-are the ones suffering I… I can understand that… I… I should have… talked to her more…” Aoyama knew what it was like to hide behind a smile, and he had a feeling that you were also hiding your true emotions with a smile but he couldn’t find it in him to actually have a heart-to-heart with you. And he had never felt so bad about anything else in his life…

You were his friend; you were their friend. Not just them, you were Class 1-A’s friend.

As Izuku and his friends grieved and cried for you, the rest of your classmates were all doing the same and crying together, fearing for you and praying that you were still with them. Nobody could stop thinking about how they saw your body, and the suicide note that Izuku had shown them all. All of them were missing you terribly, and were scared as hell and full of remorse because neither of them knew just how much you were going through all by yourself…

“(Y-Y/N)… please be okay… Oh G-God… I-I can’t believe she… I-I can’t believe I d-d-didn’t…” Kirishima couldn’t hold back his sobs as he sat on the floor, hands covering his eyes as he tried to stop the tears, but he just couldn’t. He just talked to you yesterday and the entire time he didn’t even notice how you used your smiles to shield your real feelings. He felt so stupid and like the most worthless friend ever but he refused to pity himself, all he would think about was you and he just hoped that you were still with them so they could all help you recover physically and emotionally.

Sitting beside him were Kaminari and Sero, who were both crying together as Sero had buried his face in Kaminari’s neck, the two boys hugging each other. “I-I didn’t even know she was going through anything…” Kaminari had hit on you a few times, and you always, always smiled at him even when he thought he looked so dumb in front of you. And god he loved those smiles because it made him feel like less of an idiot.

But now that he knew that they were fake, he felt even more like an idiot and absolutely horrible because he felt like he was too dumb to see that you were hiding your pain. “N-None of us did… like Iida said... w-we couldn’t have... known...” Sero gently reminded him, even though he felt so bad because he was just as unaware of your pain as well.

“I-I… I really hope she makes it… I-I want to just… tell her how much I love her…” Mina hugged Yaoyorozu and Jirou tightly as the three girls cried together. “M-Me too… I want to… I want to hug her and… (Y/N) was… my friend… I wish I just… c-could have… b-been there for her more… a-and maybe she… w-wouldn’t have…” Yaoyorozu couldn’t hold back her tears as Jirou rubbed her back gently.

“I-It’s… it’s okay… we… really couldn’t have known but… I… wish I could have done something too…” She expressed her own regret as she felt Hagakure hug the girls and cry, for once the cheerful girl had nothing to say. Every time she tried she would just cry, just like everyone else.

Not even the calm, collected ones such as Ojiro, Satou, Kouda, Tokoyami or Shouji could hold back their tears as they had quietly cried together, with Shouji even carrying Mineta who was just as sad as the others and crying for you. They were almost hiding from the others but not hiding their grief. However, the only person that was hiding their grief was none other than their belligerent classmate Bakugou.

He stood all alone in his room, sitting on his bed with his hands curling in his disheveled hair, grunting in anger as he willed himself to not cry but his body refused as tears rapidly streamed down his tightly shut eyes.

“Dammit… (Y/N)…” He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but he was also miserable, depressed and horrified. He’d never tell it to anyone, but he did care about you. Even if you were still close to stupid Deku, he grew up with you too, it was hard to not have some sentiment especially since you always found someway to tag along with them or have at least one class with him.

All the years Bakugou had known you he always thought you were annoying because you were smiling all the time. He wasn’t blind or stupid, he knew whenever you acted kind of weird, and ever since the two of you got into UA along with Deku he noticed your smiles seemed off. They were as radiant as ever and you always seemed to beam with this stupid energy that he couldn’t stand half the time, but he knew that they couldn’t possibly be real.

And now he knew that they definitely weren’t real. Now that Deku read your letter, he almost felt horrible for not doing shit to prevent that from happening. He might have found you annoying but you were his good friend once upon a time…

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you away the same way he did to Deku. He always did like you better than him…

Bakugou might have been alone, but he was grieving just like the rest of his classmates for you. And they just prayed that you would survive. You were still in the hospital and all they could do was hope and they each told themselves that if you came out of this alive that they would do everything they could to let you know that they love you.

ONE WEEK LATER…

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“(Y/N)!!”

“OH MY GOD!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“IS SHE BREATHING?!

“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“OH GOD! OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP HER!!”

“NO (Y/N)!! OH GOD NO!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

The screams murmured in your ears even as you slowly regained some vision, but not all of it. Everything felt fuzzy, like you were floating on air and for a moment you felt like you were finally able to fly. But why couldn’t you move or glide away? What was going on…?

Was this a mistake?

It had to have been a mistake…

You just wanted a way out…

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine 

  As your (E/C) eyes slowly opened, you blinked to see an unfamiliar room and then the sounds of beeping became more apparent to you. But you winced as soon as you tried to move as you saw casts on your arm and legs, it hurt just to even move. It hurt so fucking much…

This was a hospital room…

You remember now…

You jumped out the window of your classmate, thinking that the story fall would kill you, almost hoping it would kill you. But it didn’t…

Because your teacher and classmates were there in time to make sure it didn’t…

Your classmates…

Your teacher…

The thought made a fresh wave of tears glisten your eyes as they streamed down your face. A strangled gasp coming from your throat as you thought shamefully of what they might think now, there’s no way you could see them again now after this. Maybe they won’t even know you’re gone… you almost prayed they wouldn’t…

However, after a few moments of being alone in this white room, you had no idea how long it truly had been until you saw the doctor gently calling your name. “Hello… are you there with me…?”

You could see them, and you could hear them too as you gave a weak nod of acknowledgement, “It’s okay sweetie…” It was a woman, and she was giving you such sad eyes, sympathetic as if she were trying to keep her tears at bay, and you could hear her saying that your parents had been called and so were your classmates and teachers.

Oh God…

Not your parents, not your classmates…

Part of you was relieved, but also scared as hell…

You knew they were coming, all of them. And you couldn’t bear to face them, you just couldn’t. So you closed your eyes, trying to pretend that you were somewhere else, that none of this happened and that you weren’t even here. Yet, the sounds of rushing feet were enough to break any delusion you attempted to create as your body violently tremored the second the door open…

There they all were, all of your classmates all rushing in as the doctor understood that they all desperately wanted to see their classmate. Several eyes met your wide (E/C) eyes which made you increasingly anxious as your heart pounded in your chest and you broke out in a cold sweat as you inhaled sharply and exhaled shakily.

You could see Izuku, Bakugou, Todoroki, Iida, Ochaco, Tsuyu and Kirishima, and Shinsou and Yaoyorozu, Jirou, Ashido, Sero, Aoyama, Tokoyami, Kaminari, Shoji, Satou, Ojiro, Koda, Hagakure (sort of because she’s invisible) and even Mineta…

All of them.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die today  I don't wanna die

Tears immediately springing to their eyes when they saw that your eyes were still open, and that you were still alive. And Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Tsuyu were the first ones to rush over to you to gently hug you as they all burst into tears.

“(Y/N)!!” They each shouted as they went over to your bed, relieved as Ochaco held your good hand and Izuku was the first to gently hug you. You couldn’t hold back anymore as you let the tears fall as you buried your face into your dear friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

You said to every one of them, and you could only hear everyone suddenly burst into tears as they all began to talk and say that no one was upset with you, that nothing was your fault and that it was all okay, that everything would be okay because they were here for you now.

“(Y-Y/N) I’m sorry… I’m sorry I c-couldn’t…” Izuku however, wanted to apologize as he tearfully held onto you, having felt horrible that he couldn’t tell that you were in this much pain.

“Izuku… no… I… don’t be…” You shook your head, pressing your forehead against his to comfort him as his cries quieted a little bit. Slowly, you peered up to see Iida and Todoroki looking right at you. Iida wiping his eyes as he tried to smile in relief but he was just as guilty as Izuku was. “I am sorry (Y/N)! As class representative and as your friend I should have paid more attention to the well-being of all my classmates!”

You wanted to chuckle, but it came out rueful, “You guys… can’t apologize for this… I mean… it’s not easy to open up about… I didn’t want you guys to know that I was dealing with a lot of things… I didn’t think any of you could understand but… I am sorry… I’m sorry for… all of this…” Reassuring your classmates, stray tears slowly rolled down your face as you saw Todoroki wiping his own tears away, only for more to well in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault… we can’t help the things we feel…” He sympathized with you, knowing full well what it’s like to keep everything inside only for it to bubble until it spills over and suddenly lose control. You couldn’t help but smile at this, of course Todoroki understood that…

However, your smile instantly fell as soon as you saw Bakugou’s fierce glare, except there was more fear and anger swirling in those eyes with lingering fury that you could clearly see. “Katsuki…” You were terrified of his reaction the most, which is why you were shocked the second you closed your eyes and found his arms coming around you gently as Izuku pulled away.

“K-Katsuki… I…”

“Shut up… just… shut up…” His voice cracked a little bit as you could feel his tears dripping into your neck. “Look (Y/N)… I don’t know what it is you’re going through… but… I’ll help you through it… so don’t even think about arguing with me about it… there’s no way I’m leaving you alone in this...” Bakugou was as firm as ever, and yet he was also weirdly gentle as he looked at you with a rare, soft gaze that just made more of your tears fall as you gave a quiet, breathless chuckle.

“We all will.” Izuku heard his other childhood friend talking, and for once Bakugou agreed with him.

“We’ll all help you (Y/N)! That’s a promise! Y-You don’t have to feel alone in this…” Kirishima spoke up, going over closer so he could hug you, which you happily took in with a small smile.

“I know we can’t make it all go away… but we can at least be there for you, give you endless support…” You looked over at Yaoyorozu, who was tearing up as she talked. And you understood what she meant, no doubt that you were going to have to see a doctor and go to therapy even and be on suicide watch for a while.

You nodded though. It wasn’t away yet, but seeing all of your friends here surrounding you and giving you their love just to make you feel better, secure and loved was enough to make it feel like it went away for just a little bit.

“(L/N)…”

But then you heard Aizawa’s low voice, and that prompted everyone to perk up and gasp as they let their teacher in. You were amazed at how he looked somehow even more exhausted than normal, like he hadn’t slept in days as he wiped his eyes once he looked at you.

“Mr. Aizawa… I’m sorry…”

“Stop that. Stop saying you’re sorry.” He quickly reprimanded you, but his voice was tender even when he started telling you what the doctors had told him. You were definitely going to the psychiatric unit for a little bit and speak to some doctors about everything that happened, and they also suggested some group therapy from the suicide hotline and professionals. Which made you sigh as you nodded, knowing that you would have to do all of that for your own sake and better your own health, physical and mental.

I finally wanna be alive  I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die I don't wanna die

“Don’t worry (Y/N)… you won’t be alone in this anymore. We’ll be there with you all the way…” Izuku saw how pensive you seemed and he smiled at you, gently holding your good hand. Touched, you gave him a small but happy smile as your cheeks warmed a little bit.

“And that’s a promise. We’re here for you (Y/N).” Iida was quick to follow Izuku’s lead, although tearful he couldn’t have sounded more determined as you saw all of your emotional classmates giving you nods and soft little smiles as they all said your name and swore to help you and be there for you. It was almost overwhelming as your heart swelled up with all of these wild emotions and you bit down on your bottom lip in an attempt to hold back any more cries. But it was impossible to stop your flooding tears from spilling down your cheeks as you broke down in heartfelt sobs.

“T-Thank you… e-everyone… thank you… s-so much…”

For once, you were happy to be alive, happy to be among people that made you remember something.

You truly are important, and that you truly do matter.

I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore...

If you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.  

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

Complexities Unknowable- Chapter Six

Ao3,    1     2     3     4     5    7,  MasterPost

Relationships: Deintruality, background Analogince

This is crazy long. But I like this one. Also, second to last chapter! Also also, i mention spinny hugs three whole times because I miss Hugs. I miss them. 

Warnings: Cursing, food mention, brief angst/arguing, someone digs their nails into their skin but like unintentionally, crying, Remus-typical jokes and comments (he has some pretty violent thoughts directed towards roman), very very brief alcohol mention (wine, cuz Jan’s Like That), uhhh lots and lots of hugging and fluff. And Janus is still called Deceit, for continuity reasons. lmk if I missed something.

Word Count: 3,657

Patton did end up visiting them- albeit several hours later. Deceit wasn’t quite sure how he felt as he watched Morality make himself at home in The Subconscious living room, but he was leaning towards happy. 

Though ‘make himself at home’, was a tad of a stretch, given all his uncomfortable fidgeting. Deceit could taste that there was something he wasn’t saying, but he didn’t have to wait long to see what it was.

“I- um- I brought you guys something-”

Of course he had.

“-as an apology.”

Wait, what?

Remus’ head shot up from where he was sifting through dvds, flashing Deceit a smug grin. Patton didn’t seem to notice as he elaborated.

“You guys have been so nice to me lately, even after I, uh, didn't exactly respect you as much as I should have. I didn’t give you enough credit for what you two contribute, and that was my bad, so here!” He waved his hand and an enormous, neatly folded quilt dropped into his lap. He stood from the couch, struggling to unfurl it.

Deceit’s eyes were saucers. The blanket was a spiral of triangles of lime green, pale yellow, and baby blue fabric. At its edges were small patches of violet, indigo, and red, along with a gray border and a large black circle in the middle of the spiral. Within that circle was the word ‘Family’, embroidered in vibrant rainbow colors.

“It’s okay if you can’t forgive me right away, but I just wanted you to know that you guys are part of my family now, as far as I’m concerned, and I-”

Remus threw himself at Patton with full-force, picking up the much taller side and twirling him around in what looked to be a crushing hug. Deceit remained silent and caught the quilt as it was flung from the two-side tornado. It was soft, smooth, warm. 

“When did you… how did you have the time to make this?”

Morality’s face was flushed and he laughed, bright and airy, as Remus finally let him down. 

“That’s what took me so long to get here! You guys invited me over, and I didn’t want to show up empty-handed. I know I’m not the most artistic, but I think I’m pretty good at sewing.”

He’d spent hours making them a quilt- by hand, when he could just have conjured it- so he could offer them this olive branch. After everything. Deceit was choked up, but he wasn’t sure which emotions in specific were clogging his throat. His voice didn’t sound like his when he spoke.

“I am also sorry!” So it was a little stilted, cut him some slack! It was hard to focus on being well-spoken and not lying at the same time,  “You are- No, you aren’t- solely at fault for our not at all strained relationship.” 

“What?” Patton didn’t seem to comprehend. Remus, who looked disgustingly proud of Deceit, translated for him.

“He’s saying that we’re also sorry for being giant cunts, thanks for the neat blanket, and let’s call it even?” 

The snake nodded in agreement. 

Patton’s eyes grew wide and his smile faded, leaving behind soft surprise. He clearly hadn’t expected any sort of forgiveness, which was both saddening and admirable. He was just a living teddy bear, wasn’t he?

With an exaggerated groan, Deceit placed the quilt to the side and stood, opening his arms. Remus cheered and caught him around the waist with his arm, pulling all three of them together for a tangled group hug. Deceit pretended to hate it, but it was very hard to.

After the two extremely affectionate traits finally got tired of squeezing the life out of him, Deceit extricated himself and determinedly ignored how hot his face had gotten. He curled up on the couch and held the bundled quilt to his chest protectively. Patton and Remus worked together to settle on a movie before joining him. The latter leaned in very close, whispering right against Deceit’s ear. 

“You think we can convince him into a threesome?”

Deceit turned the volume up twenty notches and sat next to Patton for the rest of the movie, out of spite.

It was hardly the last time Patton visited them. Deceit probably should have expected the clinginess from him, popping in daily to tell them about the latest happenings in The Conscious or show them a “““funny””” meme he’d seen on Facebook. Once that door of camaraderie had opened just a crack, the moral trait had enthusiastically torn it off its proverbial hinges. And the oddest thing was how little Deceit minded. 

Patton was, in many ways, like Remus. Energetic, imaginative, affectionate, and containing depths of emotions that you’d never guess he had at first glance. Some days, Morality would run in with bright markers and an even brighter smile to have Remus to teach him new art techniques. Other times, he’d shuffle to Deceit’s door late at night, eyes bloodshot, asking whisper-quiet for a cup of tea and to spend some time together. Those nights in particular stuck with the lying trait, when he would watch Patton’s expression slowly lighten as they chatted together, talking about everything and nothing.

Another bonus of all that had happened Logan, who had now become a friend to the former Dark Sides (Deceit was very thankful to be able to chat with someone else who was Competent). Never had Deceit been so glad that he was wrong about someone!

But, as he’d quietly admitted to both Morality and Logic just a couple nights ago, there was something missing. He hadn’t elaborated, but apparently he hadn’t needed to. Leading them to now.

When Remus and Deceit had been invited for breakfast that morning, they’d of course agreed (you just can’t say no to Patton’s puppy eyes), but they were quickly abandoned with Roman and Virgil by the two bespectacled sides. The blue-hued traits supposedly had a surprise and would be right back, but Deceit could taste the lie. Yet, constrained as he was by the societal expectation to not freak the fuck out when things didn’t go the way he liked, he waited patiently while refusing to make eye-contact with Anxiety.

But then his good-for-nothing despicable traitor of a boyfriend stood up.

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to go stand in the kitchen and wait for things to be less awkward!”

Roman, similarly the worst, jumped to his feet as well.

“And I left the stove on!” 

So now he was just. Staring at his ex-best friend. Which was fine. 

He took a sip of his drink.

“Are you drinking wine at nine in the morning?” Virgil asked suddenly. Deceit looked down at his own drink, then towards the identical wineglass sitting by the other’s plate. 

“Yes? Aren’t you?”

“This is apple juice,” he held the glass up and swirled it, earning a snicker from Deceit. 

“Why are you drinking apple juice from a wine glass?” 

“Why are you drinking wine at nine in the morning?” 

He jerked his thumb in the direction of the kitchen, brow raised in a silent explanation: I’ve got that one, remember? Virgil nodded solemnly, a smile playing at his lips. With that minuscule, vaguely pleasant interaction, they returned to silence.

“Patton sure is taking his sweet time,” Deceit thought it only fair that he be the one to break the quiet this time, just so they were even.

“Something tells me it’s gonna be a lot longer. It’s kinda obvious what he’s doing.”

“Mm. Subtlety is not one of his virtues. It’s a nice gesture, though,” the lack of hostility in the conversation was beginning to irk him. It was almost nice. God, he’d missed it, he hated how he’d missed it.

“Yeah…” Virgil glanced away and shifted in his seat, “Yeah. He’s nice.”

“I agree.”

“Look,” the anxious side set his glass down, “Pat’s my best friend, so I’m doing this for him. I think he’s been kinda lonely lately, and I feel... responsible. Like, he’s not into me or Ro and Lo, and we aren’t either, but it’s- it’s not the same now, the four of us. And it’s pretty obvious that you guys make him happy- he talks about you all the time- so I’m giving you this one chance. Don’t fuck it up, and don’t you dare hurt him.”

Deceit blinked, blindsided. Sincerity got to him, it got under his skin and tore apart his quick wit like it was paper. He had to clear his throat a couple of times before any actual words came to him.

“I won’t repeat my past mistakes. I-” he nearly shuddered, “I promise it.”

Virgil seemed appeased, his expression easing into something more familiar (painfully familiar and new all at once). His lips quirked up in a smug smirk.

“Good. Didn’t wanna have to nudge you down a staircase, anyway.” 

Deceit chuckled. From there, the conversation flowed almost naturally. It wasn’t like old times. Maybe that was a good thing. It wasn’t quite friendly, not yet, but there was an impression. If he played his cards right, if he stayed genuine, then it would be. Soon. And that was enough for now.

Remus scrambled to the top of the fridge and loomed over his brother. He was, for once, not the first to talk. 

“So we wait it out in here until Sherlock and Watson get back from whatever it is that they’re pretending to do-”

“Which is when Snakey and Virgey kiss and make up-”

“Which will be never,” Roman concluded, sitting on the counter. He idly smoothed down his already meticulously styled hair (vain bitch). Remus picked a flea from his own scalp and flicked it at him spitefully, but it went unnoticed. Just like everything he did. 

“I don’t know why they couldn’t have let me in on their little scheme, I shouldn’t have to be between that situation.”

Remus laughed wickedly, a noise with very little mirth and a whole lot of frustration. 

“Mhm, yeah- you’re just a saint, getting along with everybody! You haven’t got a single problem to work out!”

“I didn’t say that,” Roman replied indignantly, “I know that Deceit and I don’t have a great history, but we get along fine now.”

Unbelievable. No- it was completely fucking believable! Remus should just hit him, tear his arms off and beat him with them, pull out the ol’ morning star and smash his brother’s skull in. How stupid he’d been to think that this could be fixed. Roman was impossible. No matter how hard Remus tried, he’d never get anywhere, no matter how supportive Patton was.

“Whoah, you okay?”

The Duke blinked, staring down at the angry, crescent-shaped marks that he’d clawed into his arms unknowingly. He tilted his head to stare at the other Creativity. 

“Not really, no!” 

Roman seemed taken aback. He leaned up and rested his arms on top of the fridge beside Remus.

“Don’t let Patton see you do that, he’ll have a fit,” he joked, reaching up to grab Remus’ hands. The Intrusive trait scrambled away to the other edge of the appliance.

“Don’t tell me what to do, and don’t pretend to care about what I do!” 

“What? What are you-” Roman cut himself off, his face clouding with realization, “Oh.”

“What is it now?” 

“I- I’m supposed to talk to you, aren’t I?” 

Remus stared at him for a long, thoughtful moment. He then erupted into cackles, spitting laughs out like it was the only thing stopping him from breaking down (it was). 

“Oh, whatever. Don’t pretend you don’t hate me just for Patty’s sake.”

Roman hopped off the counter, standing in front of the fridge with arms crossed. He looked angry- but not angry at Remus? That was new. New and weird. 

“You think I hate you?”

“I know you hate me, Roro,” he pulled himself to the edge of his platform, swinging his legs out in front of him. 

“Do you hate me?”

Remus wasn’t quite sure how to answer that one. It was fine, because Roman didn’t wait for a response anyway.

“Get down here.”

“Why should I?” 

“So I can- so we can- Ugh, just get down!”

The Duke got down. Curiosity killed the cat, after all (or the cephalopod, as the case may be). 

Once within his reach, Roman threw his arms open and wrapped Remus up in a fierce hug.

Remus swayed, suddenly very dizzy. Was the world always this blurry? No, no, maybe he was crying? Or maybe he’d gone blind? It didn’t matter either way, all that mattered was that someone was hugging him. Willingly. 

“You’re my brother,” Roman hissed,  “You annoy the hell out of me. And we don’t get along much. And we fight, a lot, but it wasn’t ever anything more than that. I didn’t mean for it to be more than that. You’re my brother-”

“You already mentioned that part-”

“Shush!”

He shushed.

“I don’t hate you. How could I?”

Oh. Well. Hm. That changed things.

Remus’ awareness jolted back into him then. He lifted Roman off the ground with ease and spun around in wide circles, smiling with all of his teeth (which said a lot; he had quite the array of teeth). He held on like his brother would disappear if he let go, conjuring more limbs for the express purpose of holding on tighter.

“Rem!” 

“Yeah, bro?” his voice was giddy, and distinctly wobbly, but that was irrelevant. He spun again.

“I- I’m very glad that we’re having this bonding moment, but I think you broke my ribs.”

“Oh, oops,” Remus let go immediately, dropping Roman to the floor. He offered a shrug in apology.

“Oh yeah, I don’t hate you either, by the way.”

“I assumed so,” Roman wheezed, using the counter to pull himself back to his feet. He gave Remus a lopsided smile.

“It’s good we don’t hate each other. Now I don’t have to knock you out whenever I wanna hang out with Patty.”

“Yeah, that is a relief.”

“Wow, we’re good at this whole reconciliation thing! Let’s go rub it in Vee and Dee’s emotionally constipated faces!” In mere minutes Remus already forgot what being sad felt like. Life was good and he had no problems anymore! 

“We probably should make sure they haven’t killed each other,” Roman held a hand out, which Remus grabbed gleefully.

“Ugh! Why are you always sticky?!”

“Do you really want the answer to that?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”

They returned to the dining room, hand-in-hand, only to find their respective boyfriends having a perfectly civil conversation. 

‘Coincidentally’, as soon as Remus and Roman resumed their places at the table, Patton and Logan rose up with an enormous stack of stunningly fluffy pancakes. They shared a secretive smile- as though they genuinely believed that nobody knew what they’d done. Deceit didn’t correct them, but only because he hardly wanted to admit that they’d been successful (maybe it was just him that was bad at making plans; everybody else seemed to have it down). 

Breakfast was short. Deceit could’ve just finished eating a five course meal and he’d still find it hard not to wolf down Patton’s cooking, especially his breakfast food.

And naturally, Deceit offered to help clean up, which had also been a quick task. He’d just dried his hands and flashed Morality a small smirk, turning to leave. He didn’t get far before Remus grabbed his arm and swung them both back into the kitchen. 

“Before we leave, aren’t we forgetting something, DeeDee?” 

Patton set down the last plate and shot them a confused look.

“I haven’t the slightest clue what you mean, dearest,” Deceit claimed, pointedly not looking at either of them. Patton was growing progressively more bemused.

“Did you lose something again, Re?” 

“I haven’t, but Dee seems to have lost his manners.”

The dishonest trait threw his arms up and groaned. If he was only a tad less in love, he’d have decked that look off of Remus’ face.

“Alright! Patton, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!”

“What are we thanking him for?” Remus needled.

“Everything,” he’d intended it to come out biting and sarcastic, and was disgusted to find his voice laced with sincerity, of all things! 

There was most certainly an adoring, proud look on Patton’s face. He was looking away, he did not see it. 

“Oh, you two,” he still heard him though, rambling on, “It was just the least I could do!” 

Remus made a noise. It was loud and completely unintelligible, but with a general air of happiness. And, for what was very much not the first time, Deceit was crushed in an over-enthusiastic threeway hug with no means of escape. He hissed, the noise dying on his lips as soon as he saw the wide and excited grins on both Patton and Remus’ faces that were very, very close. 

Morality really had done something amazing for them- something that Deceit had hoped for for ages. Now the side just looked so happy with himself, with what he’d done, and with them.

Deceit looked between Remus and Patton. 

The human half of his face was burning. 

He looked again, just to be sure. 

Those were definitely the same feelings, huh? Oh fuck. 

“You guys are just too much,” Patton laughed, clearly unaware of Deceit’s impending emotional crisis. His hold around Deceit’s waist had tightened, and with little warning, both him and Remus were no longer on the ground.

The former Dark Sides caught eyes. The red of Remus’ face contrasted dramatically with the green of his apparel. 

Double fuck. 

Patton had clearly mistaken their stunned silence as uncomfortableness, letting them down gently and stepping back.

“Sorry, I got a little carried away.”

“It’s fine!” Was Deceit’s voice always that shrill?

“Yeah, don’t worry about it! But we have to go, right now- important, mysterious things to do! You know us, pure villainy!”

“Yes, that, what he said!”

They sunk out.

It was quiet as they appeared in The Subconscious. Remus looked at his boyfriend. Deceit was staring back, but his mind was very clearly miles elsewhere.

“So. We should maybe talk about that.”

The trait opened his mouth to speak, still looking rather dazed, but Remus interrupted him.

“I swear to God, babe, if you say ‘talk about what?’, or ‘oh, Dear, I have no idea what you mean,’ I am going to rip your esophagus out with my teeth and swallow it.”

Deceit’s mouth snapped shut, then open, then shut. He shuffled over to the couch and proceeded to drop onto it like a ragdoll.

“I think I have feelings for Patton.”

Remus sighed in relief and flopped down next to him, draping his arms across the shell-shocked snake side. 

“Glad we’re on the same page.”

“You’re happy?”

He thought the question over carefully, and an absolutely terrifying possibility occurred to him.

“Yeah- I- we are on the same page, right? Like, he’s super cute and nice and fuckable, but you and I still…?” he let himself trail off. There were very few things that Remus struggled to say, but the thought that two of his favorite people would move on from him- together, no less- was both wildly horrifying and too familiar to verbalize. 

Deceit snapped out of his stupor long enough to glare angrily at Remus- more specifically, glare at the train of thought that he knew Remus was following.

“I’ll always love you, you idiot. Nobody and nothing will change that.”

Remus smiled- not a grin, but a smile- and exhaled slowly. Good, back on track.

“I love you, too. Right, now what do we do?”

“...Do?”

The Duke sat up straight enough to bonk his head against Deceit’s, eliciting a small ‘ow’. 

“Yes, ‘do’; when people have feelings for each other they do something about it- especially when that person is their friend. Unless you were planning on ignoring this, pushing it down, and going back to keeping Patton at arm’s length, which would ruin a perfectly good relationship in an effort to not ruin that relationship. Was that what you wanted to do?” 

“Well when you put it like that... No.”

“Alright, my pretty little liar, what do you want?”

Deceit hid his face in Remus’ neck. His muffled voice said something sounding a lot like ‘I have no fucking clue’.

“I can tell you what I’d like?”

More muffled noises: translation ‘If you say threesome I’m going to end you’.

“No- well, yeah- but I meant that we should woo him!”

Deceit pulled back to squint up at Remus.

“Woo him?”

“This whole conversation, you’re just a broken record- yes, do, yes, woo! We could be a throuple!”

The Duke saw Deceit very nearly say ‘throuple?’, before deciding to actually contribute to the discussion.

“I will admit, that sounds… alright, it sounds lovely. In theory. Do you really think that’s a good idea, though? Why should we risk it- we’ve only just fixed things, why go breaking them again?”

“So if Patton isn’t interested, he’s not going to be friends with us anymore, either? Does that sound like something he’d do?”

“Well- not really- but-”

“Who was right about making friends with him in the first place?”

Deceit glowered, answering begrudgingly.

“You were. But still-”

“Who was right about fixing things with Virgil?”

“... You.”

His gaze remained hesitant, so Remus continued.

“And who’s going to be right about this, when the three of us are all sucking face?”

Deceit dropped his head back against the couch and closed his eyes.

“Why do you keep being helpful? I’m supposed to be the smart one in this relationship.”

“Trust me babe, I hate it too,” Remus sympathized, “D’you want me to go microwave some silverware? You can brag to Logan about single-handedly saving my life from the explosion!”

The dishonest side smirked, leaning forwards once more to peck Remus’ cheek. 

“That’s an awful idea, my love.”

Tags:

@deceits-left-glove​ 

@princemesscharming

@shrimp-crockpot

[princeoftennis-imagines]

Omg thank you so much for your beautiful work!! Please can I ask for an scenario of Tezuka, Atobe, Sanada, Zaizen, Shiraishi, Ryoga and Oishi first kiss with their crush but they can't be together cuz #Tennis

this request was a bit confusing, but i hope you enjoy it nonetheless! ❤️ since this request has a good amount of characters, i will go straight to the point.

since i don’t write for new prince of tennis, im gonna have to take ryoga out. im sorry!!

- - - - - - - - - - *

You were nervous. You had called him up to the rooftop to confess to him and now he was here, his eyes piercing through you like a sword. You had stuttered out those three words, making him take a step back in shock. “I like you!”

Tezuka:

“You know I’m leaving soon, right (Name)?” You nodded, a sad expression on your face. “I-I know.. I didn’t want to regret not telling you once you left to Germany,” you bit your lip, fighting back tears that were threatening to spill, “but I’m so proud of you for taking opportunities, and I’ll always be rooting for you..” He walked forward and pulled you into a hug, hearing your voice crack. Tezuka felt you sob against his clothing, and felt his heart ache in pain, realizing that he couldn’t take your sadness away. He wanted to confess to you in a way where you wouldn’t forget him. “(Name)-san..” you looked up and felt a pair of lips meet yours within seconds. You kissed him back, not wanting to forget the feeling of that moment. He pulled back slowly, and whispered in your ear. “I promise I’ll be back for you once I reach my goal..” A blush accompanied your cheeks as you hit his chest playfully, sniffling. “You better make me proud, Tezuka-kun, and keep in touch!” He smiled softly, his usual stoic expression gone. “I promise.”

Atobe:

Atobe felt a bit shocked from the confession, but a smirk was evident on his face. “Ahn~, ore-sama is honored, I will gladly return your feelings too.. but..” you looked up at him, feeling your anxiety worsen. “.. I cannot be with you at the moment. My career comes first.” You felt your heart break but you understood, wiping the tears away. He tilted your chin upwards, catching you by surprise and brushed his lips against yours. “It doesn’t mean I’m rejecting you,” he whispered against your lips, breaking his third person point of view, “so I’m hoping you will wait for me patiently.” You were too shocked to speak, but managed to blurt out a simple ‘yes’ as he pulled back. He grinned, his old attitude back in order. “That’s good. Ore-sama wouldn’t have accepted a no for an answer anyway.”

Sanada:

“I can’t stand having feelings for you.. It’s distracting when you’re always on my mind.” You looked at him with confusion. “What do you mean by that?” He looked down at his feet, feeling all the emotions hit him all at once. “I have feelings for you, but -“ he looked at you, angry at himself for making a decision he was unsure of, “- but I must focus on my career first.” He looked back down, wanting to beat himself up. The silence was painfully long until he saw you walk up to him, eventually tiptoeing and pressing your lips against his. He felt his face heat up as he pulled back in embarrassment. “What do you think you’re doing-“ He was cut off by your soft voice. “I can wait, Sanada-kun. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” Sanada felt a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders and nodded, almost fainting from the kiss.

Ōishi:

Oishi looked around and then pointed at himself, a blush spreading across his face. “A-re you talking to me, (Name)-san..?” You nodded shyly and shot him an innocent stare. He took a step back and bowed politely, his voice shaking. “I-I’m sorry, I cannot be in a relationship right now..!” You felt your heart shatter at his words, trying to process everything that was happening. “A-Ah, it’s okay! I should’ve expected it-“ he cut you off as he stood back up quickly. “N-No! Don’t get me wrong! I like you b-but I’m too busy with tennis to actually be in a relationship!” Your mouth formed a small “o” as you felt a glimmer of hope build up. You smiled softly at the way he kept apologizing, panicking that you may have had the wrong idea or that he hurt your feelings. You walked to him and cupped his cheeks, pulling him down to a kiss. Ōishi was frozen. He didn’t know what to do with his hands, and was just in complete shock. You pulled back, smiling gently at him. “I’ll wait for you, Oishi-kun, and I’ll always be supporting you, no matter what.” The feeling of the kiss on his lips still lingered as he nodded, frantically trying to calm his heart.

Zaizen:

Zaizen felt strange, he was so sure that he made the decision to stick with tennis as a permanent goal, but seeing you confess to him made him rethink. He only let out a small sigh, looking the other way as he felt a pang of guilt hit him. “You make it so hard for me to decide, (Name),” he whispered breathlessly, closing the space between you two. “, I’ve already made my decision to focus on tennis. Now you’re just giving me trouble of rethinking about it, idiot.” He bent down and pecked your lips gently, causing you to jump back in surprise. “Z-Zaizen-!” His cheeks were red as he kept a poker face, standing back up. “You-“ he paused for a moment, clearing his throat and averting his eyes elsewhere, “You better be waiting for me until I finish, (Name), or I’m gonna be disappointed.” His expression softened at the sight of you flustered. You smiled up at him happily, a blush spreading around your cheeks. “I will!”

Shiraishi:

You saw how his expression changed from surprised to upset within seconds, making the anxiety worsen more. You looked down at your feet, waiting for a rejection mournfully, and felt the tears come. “I’m sorry,(Name)-san, I-“ You waved both your hands in defense, cutting him off midway through his sentence. You didn’t want to hear anything more.” It’s okay! We can always be friends, it was just some stupid feelings! Don’t worry, this won’t affect a-anything-“ You felt a pair of lips brush against yours. It took you a minute to realize what was happening but you decided to let it be, enjoying the feeling. He pulled back and smiled at you, putting a hand on your head. “I never said I didn’t like you. I’m just so busy with my future that I don’t think I’ll have much time for a relationship.” You looked at him confusingly. “So what are you trying to say..?” He patted your head softly, letting out laugh as he blushed. “I’m asking if you’re willing to wait until I’m ready. I didn’t kiss you cause I didn’t want to be with you.” You let out a small smile, and nodded as he ruffled your hair. “Of course.”

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Four: Nervousness ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina, NaruSaku, vulgarity ] [ Verse: Best Years of Your Life ] [ AO3 Link ]

You’d think the dynamic between them obvious.

Ever since elementary school, Hinata was the perfect wallflower. Shy, reclusive, nervous...it was a wonder anyone noticed her at all. Of course, that meant certainly going unnoticed by the boy she’d first had a crush on. Against his boisterous, loud bravado...well, she faded into the background.

Then there was Sasuke. Sure, he was shy in his own way...but it was less fearful than Hinata’s. More a kind of demurity and introversion. As he grew, that slowly turned to a kind of aloofness. He simply didn’t care to give many people his time...especially as more and more demanded it in spite of his refusal.

And all the while, Hinata kept to herself...if only because no one else would give her the time of day. Eventually she gravitated to the other girls if only out of a kind of teenage social herd instinct. And they allowed it if only out of pity...and for a pedestal to stand on.

But even that small shift would result - in the long run - in a cataclysmic change.

What is being a teenager if not becoming entangled in an ever-changing web of drama? He said, she said, he loves me, he loves me not. Through junior high and into highschool, there came to be not a love triangle as tradition dictates...but a square.

Player one: Hinata Hyūga. Painfully shy, tempering slowly over time but never quite overcoming her label as wallflower. Equal parts arts and sports, with a long-time crush on one Naruto Uzumaki. Uzumaki, a brash boy in their youth who wanted nothing but attention. Come high school, he finally attained it: typical all-star jock with eyes on rising star Sakura Haruno. Sakura was always an awkward loudmouth before puberty, only to climb the ranks of popularity after a late blooming. Sports star, cheerleader, and determined to make Sasuke Uchiha fall in love with her.

...and Sasuke?

For the longest time, he wanted nothing to do with the opposite sex...or the same one, either. Too focused on his studies and his family, branching out into a few sports but preferring to use his time to recharge. Hard to do with a loudmouth best friend, and always being tailed by a gaggle of girls.

...except one.

The one he could tolerate...the one he came to quietly admire...was in love with someone else.

As they all were.

It wasn’t until she started clinging to Ino and Sakura’s coattails that he first noticed her. Saw her quietude as one mirroring his own. While most were content to ignore her, he studied her from the corners of his eyes. Saw what most were all too happy to miss.

The result? He fell head over heels...but could never admit it. Not in the face of her longtime longing for his best friend. A best friend in love with the girl chasing him. The last one he wanted.

It was all so stupid.

For three long, painful years...nothing changed. Just the same song and dance between them all. But then, something...shifted. Sakura, having been slowly turned around by Naruto’s charming insistence...gave him a try. And finally, two of them were happy. Naruto as he’d always wanted, and Sakura as she’d never expected.

...that just left two more.

Hinata did her best not to react. Most knew of the crush - it was obvious enough. But no one seemed to care about her being left lurching. Mr. Jock and Ms. Cheerleader. Just how it’s always meant to be, right?

No one cared...but him.

At that point, he wasn’t sure what to do. To anyone looking - to anyone who gave a damn - it was obvious she was hurting. She put on a smile, did her best to be happy for them...but there’s no denying the pain of a love lost...especially to someone called a friend. He didn’t want to be that guy that only swooped in and showed interest once the rival was out of the way. But nor did he ever want to try to butt in when it was obvious her heart was somewhere else. Waiting, surely, was the right thing to do. Let her come to terms before trying to pull her in another direction.

But...how long was too long? What if someone else noticed what he’d noticed? He didn’t want to lose her...or rather, the possibility of her. Nothing was certain. Just because one corner of the square turned around, didn’t mean any others would.

The doubt was a constant source of anxiety. He tried to edge closer subtly, play on the fact they were now a pair of third wheels. Gently, as not to come off as pandering. Just a genuine, open-ended show of interest in her. Not necessarily anything else that might come with it.

Suddenly, it was him aching with nerves, second guessing, hesitant in the face of his hidden affection. And she was the one solemn, closed-off. The irony wasn’t lost on him, and eventually...Sasuke knew he had to set his fear aside and act.

Or he just might lose the one opportunity he had.

Loitering outside the main school entrance, he waited. Trying to appear casual, constantly shifting positions when he felt it was too...forced. More than one person gave him curious glances, brows perked. Sasuke wasn’t the sort to seem so, well...out of sorts. Cool, confident, quiet...but never so nervous.

And yet none were the person he was waiting for.

When all the busses had left and still no Hinata, he felt a new degree of nerves. Already he knew she had no sport practice: neither of those she played were in season. Had he missed her? Did she take another door? Was she somehow avoiding him? But he hadn’t…?

Making up his mind, he went back inside. Maybe she was just...held back for some reason. Maybe her locker was jammed, or...she had to stay late for an assignment or a missed test. She had to be there somewhere…

Turning a corner, he startled a bit at the sight of her...if only because she wasn’t alone. Back turned to Sasuke’s gaze, he couldn’t tell who it was...but it was more than obviously a guy.

...oh no...was he too late…?

Locked in place, he just...watched as they spoke. It didn’t last long. Head bowing and giving a solemn shake of her head, Hinata stepped past him, expression somber and eyes far away with thought.

...and then she noticed him.

Panic. Rooted in place, he could do little more than stare as she paused, considering him a moment before closing the distance.

“Sasuke…? What are you doing here?”

His mind was blank, scrambling for an alibi. “I...I was just...uh…” Nothing, he can’t think of anything, he’s just too -!

“Are you feeling well? You look a bit, um...flushed.”

“...fine. I’m fine.”

She gave a blink, clearly still waiting for an explanation.

“I was, uh...waiting for you.”

“...for me?”

“Yeah. Uh…” Oh crap, he’d never done this before! What should he say? What should he do? “I...wanted to, er...ask you something.”

Another blink. “...okay. What is it…?”

“...are you -? I mean, would you -?” That’s it, he can’t do this, he should just -!

Rather than get angry or dismissive, Hinata instead offered a patient smile. “It’s okay. You don’t have to rush - I’m not in any hurry, Sasuke. Do you...need me to do something for you?”

“It...well, no. It’s not a, uh...a need, per se.” Well, maybe to him it might be, but -. “I just...wanted to see if maybe, sometime...you’d want to...hang out with me…?”

Her head tilted. “You mean...go somewhere together?”

“Yeah, like a, uh…” Like a date. “Y’know, just…”

At long last, understanding bloomed across her features, eyes widening and mouth opening in a small o. “Sasuke, are...are you asking me out…?”

“...yeah, I...I guess I am.” A pause, and then, “I-if that’s not okay, y’know...no worries. I just, uh...thought I’d ask, and -”

Her head shook. “I think...that would fun.”

“R...really?”

“Mhm.” A soft smile lifted her lips. “You’re...a very nice boy. Or at least...I think so. So...sure! We could, um...we could give that a try.”

It...hadn’t quite sunk in yet. She said yes? “...are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be…?”

“Well, it’s just…” How to say this… “You were so hung up on Naruto, I...I didn’t want to be...rude.”

Surprise slackened her features. “...you…?”

“Look, I...I’ve liked you for a long time, now,” he decided to just...admit. He was tired of being so damn timid! Enough was enough! “But I...I didn’t want you thinking I was making a move just because Naruto was - because he started dating Sakura. Cuz that’s not it. I...I really like you. And...I had to ask. I had to know.”

After a moment, a hint of hesitation colored her expression. “...you really...liked me before…?”

“For just about all of high school. I just...I knew how much you liked him. And I didn’t want to make it some sort of weird...competition. And then I didn’t want to seem shallow. So...if I’m being a jerk, then just tell me off, and -”

“Sasuke, you’re not...you’re not being a jerk.” She gave him a soft, somber smile. “...you’re being the o-opposite of a jerk. You were so...thoughtful, and - and careful about my feelings, even if that meant...suppressing your own. That’s really...really sweet. And...I’m sorry you had to keep that to yourself for so long. I guess...I know how that goes. But no, I-I can see you’re being sincere. I guess n-now I know why you looked so nervous when I saw you!” She giggled into a hand.

He went pink in the cheeks.

“...I would like to hang out with you sometime,” Hinata then affirmed again, tone more sure. “I guess, um...we don’t know each other t-too well yet. So we can just...do that. I think...it’ll be fun. Thank you for asking me, and...for telling me all of this.”

“Yeah, well...thanks for not laughing at me.”

“Oh, n-no! I would never!”

“I know, but -”

“I...know what it is to have your feelings stomped on,” she murmured, making him wilt as she lowered her gaze. “...I would never - I-I would never do that to you. Even if...even if I wanted to say no - a-and I don’t! - I couldn’t belittle you like that. I think you were...very brave to be so honest like that. I...n-never really got that chance…”

Sasuke glanced aside, feeling a twinge of guilt...even if it wasn’t his fault.

“...well...I guess things turned out well for Naruto and Sakura when...when she gave him a chance. So…” Looking back up, she gave him a warm smile, cheeks tinted pink. “I-I hope...we’ll have the same luck!”

“...yeah? Heh...me too.”

                                                          .oOo.

     Welp, another very late entry, if only because I had a bit of a scare irl today on top of everything else, BUT! Here we are, better late than never lol      Some modern fluff with maybe a sprinkle of angst? I always LOVE writing these four in a lil love square. If only because I love imagining Sasuke silently pining for Hinata to make our little circle of lovesick beans complete, haha! Canon might have denied us that, but...I'll never stop dreaming it x3      Anywho, I'm...VERY tired after a long stressful day, so that's all for now. Thanks for reading!

[letsprayitwritesitself]

Could you do some angsty javid? Canon era maybe? With a kiss somewhere in there? I would love you forever

(thank you for the prompt!! this ran away with me but what’s new. hope u like!)

He slid down the wall until he was crouching and then leaned forward, resting his forehead on his knees. He was sure he was going to throw up. He was either hallucinating, having an extremely vivid nightmare, or his friends were playing a prank on him - that, or he had actually seen his Jack kissing Katherine.

The cheer that had exploded from the guys when he kissed her expanded and distorted into a roar that Davey couldn’t scrape out of his head. He tried pressing his hands over his ears, singing loudly inside his head, anything, but it was there, accompanying the image that was scalded onto his consciousness. In an attempt to convince himself that he hadn’t imagined it, that he wasn’t pulling him and Jack out of thin air, he forced himself back to that morning, when he and Jack had -

It was when the rest of the kids were going wild, spreading the banner around town. Jack and Davey had done their share, scattering the news all over, sharing a triumphant grin once Jack had handed over his last copy to some teenager wandering out of a factory. The sun was almost done rising, they had barely slept, and both were high as a kite.

‘Time to go see if word’s reached the big man?’ Davey had nodded towards uptown, knowing that all this effort had been geared towards Jack being able to laugh in Pulitzer’s face. Jack nodded, then shook his head.

‘Yeah. No. Not yet.’ He looked a little frantic, unnerved. He grabbed a handful of Davey’s shirt - why was he always doing that? Couldn’t just say follow me like a normal person - and dragged him down the nearest alley. The factory walls loomed, blocking out most of the natural light, and Jack deposited Davey in a kind of cubby formed from discarded crates. ‘Listen up. I feel like - I need to… Say sorry. For before. For taking the money.’

‘Jack, it’s fine. We knew that you -’

‘No, Dave. I was really gonna go.’ He kicked at the gravel on the ground. ‘I guess I thought I could just shrug this thing off.’

‘This thing?’

‘The strike. The guys. You.’ He looked up. ‘And Les. And Kath.’

‘Right.’ Davey pretended that he hadn’t just believed Jack was going to say something that implicated the two of them as a… never mind. ‘But you couldn’t do it?’

‘I guess I forgot how - this whole thing is bigger than me. It was, I remembered your pop. That kind of brung it back home for me.’

‘It’s bigger than all of us. Especially now.’

‘Exactly! And I just. I’m really sorry.’

‘Hey. Honestly, Jack, it was almost worth you leaving, just to see you come back, you know?’ Davey smiled at him. Jack nodded, and suddenly stopped fidgeting. Fuck it.

‘Dave, it was also - cuz… You got under my skin, there.’ There it was again. That almost-atmosphere, the one that descended whenever they accidentally made prolonged eye contact, or had a really impassioned discussion. That kind of mood that reminded them how on the same wavelength they were, how much they understood each other. Davey swallowed and stood up a little straighter, giving back Jack’s stare as good as he got. He didn’t know if he could say something, could acknowledge this, without risking a punch in the face. He was almost certain that he wasn’t making this up. But there was that little bit of doubt.

He thanked the heavens when Jack took a tiny step towards him. He was already backed up against the wall so the ball was completely in Jack’s court.

‘Dave.’ It was a near whisper. He reached out and placed his hand flat on the wall next to Davey. ‘Tell me to stop.’ Slowly, painfully slowly, he took another step so his whole body was aligned with Davey, inches away, any illusions about his intentions utterly transparent. When he placed his other hand on the wall, boxing him in, completely entering his personal space, it was Davey who leaned forward and pressed their lips together. 

This hadn’t come from nowhere but it was still a gorgeous surprise - Davey wasn’t exactly used to getting what he wanted. When he had those first stirrings of god-awful wrong thoughts about Jack, he’d tried hard to quell them, yet Jack had always supplied him with just enough physical contact and meaningful looks that the flame was never truly extinguished. This flame was up in full force now, and when their lips met, it compelled Davey to pull Jack in by his collar and grab his waist tight.

Like a dam broken they easily spent the next forty minutes in that alley, hands roaming, teeth clashing, breathless voices exchanging moans of names and expletives. Davey had never done this, any of this, before, and spent the whole time trying to ground himself, aware of how he was floating ten feet in the air, trying his best to memorise the way Jack’s lips felt on his own, on his neck, his jaw - they felt like a whole lot of too-good-to-be-true, and in the tradition of a kid who hadn’t grown up with a lot, he needed to make the most of it while he had it.

For Jack it had all fallen into place - he knew that the narrative of the strike was leading towards him and Katherine. And he liked her a lot. But how was he supposed to complete that arc when he had this damn kid standing in front of him, this wallflower who had basically managed to get an entire city on strike by accident? This raven-haired, hazel-eyed, lanky son-of-a-bitch who had noticed, just as Jack had, that sometimes when you thought you’d made a friend, or a selling partner, you’d actually stumbled upon something a lot better.

With a quiet smack they parted, resting their foreheads together, grinning like crazy, hot all over. Davey spoke first.

‘Jack, the thing - the thing is still happening. The. The strike.’

‘I know. I know.’ He pressed another kiss to Davey’s lips. ‘How long we been here?’ 

‘Days.’

Jack stepped away, and they both started trying their best to right their appearances, straightening collars, tucking shirts back in, though it wasn’t so easy to get rid of the blushes painting their cheeks. ‘We’ll come back to this later, alright?’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

And then Pulitzer’s office. Then Roosevelt. And even more exhilaration piling on top as they actually won the god damn war, and - Jack planting one on Katherine in front of the entire city. And Davey knew, or he would see later on, how conspicuously devastated he must have looked, backing away slowly when it had happened, ducking round the side of a random apartment building for a quiet breakdown. He could see how, for someone less invested in the outcome of their relationship than he was (so, all of the newsies, all the adults, everyone else in the god damn world) how satisfying it must be to see the hero of the hour matched up with the beautiful heroine, but - but it wasn’t fair. It was wrong. They hadn’t seen, didn’t know - and couldn’t know, that was the kicker. They could never know how there was something way heavier, way more real, going on between Jack and Davey. He may be infatuated but he didn’t have any illusions about whether or not he and Jack were about to embark on the public love story of the century. All the same - Jack had promised, he’d said that they would - that they could…

He couldn’t cry. That was one thing he god damn couldn’t do. Collapsing in on himself like this in public was bad enough, but he could kid himself that this was an almost-rational reaction to the noise or the emotional exhaustion of the strike. If he cried, that was a whole different thing, and if he was caught crying? Oh boy.

He decided to let himself wait until the sinking sensation in his stomach had dissipated. He waited, and waited, and waited. The noise of the crowd got dimmer and dimmer. He sat on the ground, back against the wall, staring up at the block of sky he could see. He’d have to get back out there eventually.

He heard the footsteps first, then a soft voice. 

‘Dave.’

And all the anxiety he’d managed to force away came back in excess. This was dumb. They’d had, like, an hour of passion. That was it. Why was he getting so emotional about it? 

(Maybe, he argued with himself, cause that one hour had come from a validation of days full of wondering if their connection was a connection, and an affirmation that Jack noticed him, and saw him, and liked him.) 

Jack walked over and sat next to him, hip to hip. Davey forced himself to smile.

‘Hey.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You got nothin’ to be sorry for.’

‘C’mon, Dave. I see you.’

‘Can you blame me?’

‘No - it was a dumb, spur of the moment thing.’

‘We shouldn’t have done that, earlier -’

‘Why not?’

‘Cause you and Katherine, you make sense, we’re just…’

‘You don’t think you and I make sense?’ Jack nudged Davey’s shoulder with his own. 

‘It doesn’t matter. You just kissed her in front of everyone we know.’

‘I know. It just felt -’

‘Right?’

‘No! It felt like what I was supposed to do, alright? God damn it, I wish I hadn’t.’

‘I wish you hadn’t.’

Jack heaved a deep sigh. He could have just not kissed her. But she was there, and they’d won, and she was a girl, and he was the leader, and…

‘I still like you the best, Davey.’

‘It doesn’t matter! Look, we can’t… do anything, or be anything. You might as well just do what you have to.’ Davey started to let the anger in his stomach well up. It was better than feeling sorry for himself. 

‘You really saying we can’t be anything? Were you even there, in that alley this morning? Cuz it sure felt like we were on to something.’

‘You know what I mean, Jack! I mean that you should be with her, because that’s what’s right, and that’s what makes sense, and I’ll just be alone.’

‘You’re not alone, Dave. I’m not gonna let you be alone.’

‘Well, maybe not everything is up to you.’ Davey started to get up, but before he could stand Jack pulled him down by his hand, a sharp tug that saw Davey land on top of him. His knee scraped painfully on the ground but he took no notice, because Jack had leaned up so their lips crashed together. 

For a few seconds Davey let himself relive their earlier dalliance, stroking a thumb over the rough stubble on Jack’s cheek, noticing the way Jack’s mouth fit his, how tight Jack was gripping his hand, but once those few seconds were up he forced himself away, glaring at Jack as he stood up and brushed himself off. Jack, wide-eyed, breathing hard, looked utterly tempting, but Davey couldn’t get rid of that image of him and Katherine.

‘I gotta find Les and start selling.’ He took a step backwards and turned away, almost out of the alley by the time Jack replied.

‘This isn’t over, Dave.’

Tears sprang into his eyes again and he took in a deep breath to try to get rid of them. He knew Jack was right.

[iwritedisstracks-blog]

my life is now so fucking boring. the most exciting part of my day is going to the gym and when i occasionally go to the grocery store. i go days without having face to face interaction with someone who wasn’t paid to talk to me. my life is painfully boring and pathetic right now. pATHtic. i am trying. i think my ass is slowly looking better though i guess. i went to a boxing class on accident. i actually enjoyed getting yelled at because at least someone was talking to me :-) the person im fucking told me they try to call me because they know im siting at home alone :-) that’s pretty pathetic! hahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha i have no friends left. the only people i genuinely want to hang out with here is:

my neighbor

i have a fun time with my geologist friend when i show up but i always have a bit of anxiety about seeing him because i think he has a crush on me and i feel like i always have to keep distance between us because of that so idk i dont even know if it counts because i still have a bit of anxiety

my therapist (but i mean she’s paid so i dont know if that counts)

the boy i’m fucking

yeah idk. i have like 2 maybe 3 other people who ask me to hang out but most of the time i just bail or whatever because i don’t really want to be around them. i wanted to hang out with my old roommate but she makes me feel guilty for not being there so it makes me want to be there even less but i guess i could’ve done a better job but i guess only care about it cuz i feel guilty so even then i didn’t really care i guess.

i have lost all my friends because they were all fucking jerks for their own unique and very fucked up reasons. maybe aside from one she is just weak. but the rest destroyed my social standing by spreading rumoes, stole hundreds of dollars from me, and generally used me to make themselves feel better. or to keep a roof over their heads. but either way shes still gone. but yeah im far better and healthier without them but the fucking mundane lonely boringness of my life is almost as bad as being in relationships that aren’t good for me. i listen to podcasts so i can better stomach the silence of my life. i hate living alone. but i can shit in peace as much as i want i guess.

i try to supplement this by internet communications with my friends in other places across the globe but this is just like....a small crack hit idk it makes me feel nice for maybbe an hour or the evening if im lucky, but eventually it’s back to the same day in and day out. when i try to talk to my friends about it its like yeah they get it cuz everyone is lonely but i dont think they like....*get* it. everyone around me at least has things occupying them even if they hate it. they have interests and passions and homework. i have homework too but i just dont care enough to do it. my passions include listening to podcasts and going to the gym. i like going to the gym beacuse i get to be around people. pathetic. 

im also too tired and have been burned too many times to try to make new friends. i hate my school and im old now. no one really is making friends with a last semester senior. im not interested in participating in school related events, i.e. i wont join a club to meet people. i stopped smoking weed so the void has just gotten even bigger, although i do think my decision to stop smoking was good. i tried to pick up drinking on a friday night but i even suck at that. im at a point where i resent netflix and i feel my soul drop ever so slightly, further into descension, building upon the depth of my emptiness every time i turn on the office. if i have to listen to michael gary scott fill my void any fucking more im going to lose it. this was once my depression show. now it is the show that makes me depressed. i feel like i rarely get any relief from these feelings now; it only comes if i have an uplifting conversation with one of my internet friends (thats how my friends feel now. like a series of 0s and 1s.) or right after i finish a workout, which is just a fake induced shot of dopeamine. it fades as soon as i remember i have to walk back home. i’m even posting into the void; no one will read this hahaha.

i am like a much healthier person and i am a lot better at setting boundaries and meaning it and doing what i need to do. i am better. i am a much better healthier person. but im fucking bored and im fucking lonely. 

i bought a midi keyboard with a beatpad to try to occupy my time. ive played with music for years so idk maybe this will at least occupy my time. i want to create something i want to feel like the space i take up is meaningful i have no friends AND i have no purpose. i can’t get a job because for the amount of time i have left here no one will hire me and im fucking sick and tired and above working minimum wage jobs. i am like hopeful about my future and i dont think it will be this way forever but it will at least be this way until september....and it’s only January :-/ i also have been trying to get into cooking more which i love when im doing it and shit but idk! i dont got the answers this shit fuckin whack

[lunaircinderella]

Release

I have been at my new job for four days now. I'm a Unit Helper at the moment until I take my CNA courses in September. Before I was a Nutritional Aid in the kitchen downstairs. AKA basically just a kitchen worker. I'm not going to lie I felt pretty shameful when I worked down there. It was gross and I'd get food on me all the time and I would have to clean trays and it was just... it would just be busy. There were the people I disliked and the ones that I could get along with that were pretty nice. But everyone down there thought I was the nicest, most helpful person, and a good worker for the most part. Boy did I have them fooled thinking I liked even the ones that were just b******, I mean even I'm a female and a lot of females down there you pretty much would have to have a backbone with. So as most people do I got sick of that job after the four years I worked there, and so I looked for a new one. And that new job happened to be a full-time CNA position versus my part-time position, honestly I still should have stuck to part-time since being full-time right now kind of makes me lose my mind a little(I should also mention that I was moving out of a large half a house to a smaller one with my mom and her boyfriend at the same time and before I started the new job, so I was already exsausted and emotionally on edge). Anyways starting out I thought I would be fine, that it would get easier as the days went on much like it did when I worked in the kitchen. But right now I'm doubting things. The staff I work with just seem either kind of hostile or just are straight up b****** that just don't even want to speak to me or just want to ignore me. I mean there are some that are nice there's there's a nurse and a couple of CNAs I can get along with. When I started I didn't really like some of the residents cuz their attitudes were pretty off-putting. But I guess being cooped up in a hospital for most of your life when you're an old person isn't the greatest of things so I can kinda see it from their point of view in a way. If anything it's more of the staff you want to watch out for. For me it's like I'm having to walk on eggshells again like when I *had* to used to go down to my dad's due to the custody agreement he had with my mom at the time. But that's all whole nother story I'll tell some other time. The first day I worked as a unit helper it was boring it felt like everything was going by fast but I was ok. The second day I was just frustrated, tired, and didn't even want to go back. The third day I thought I had it in the bag it was the most easy-going day for me by far, and I thought "Hey maybe I'll like it here somewhat more than I did in the kitchen". But the fourth day which was today just kind of felt like hell. I guess it started when I was putting a tray back into the cart after the resident was done with it and as I was trying to balance getting the ticket and putting the tray in when my hand slipped and the tray just fell and I got liquids on my scrubs and food on the floor. Now let me tell you it wouldn't have been the first time I've spilled food and drink on me I mean hey I worked in the kitchen right, so I was fine it's not like it was blood or urine or something. And then the second incident today there was a certain resident that seemed like they needed help and I wasn't sure how much I can assist a resident with since I'm only a unit helper. Now I was already fore warned about this certain resident that they would try to get me to stay in the room longer and try to get me to do things for them I wasn't supposed to, that they could do themselves and such. So I brought her back up from one of her appointments and she was switching from a wheelchair to an automatic chair she has. She then said that she couldn't do it that she couldn't switch herself from one chair to the other so I kind of started helping a little you know like a normal person would. Well I'm trying to keep her lifted from falling onto the floor and I think she's almost my full weight. And that moment she's basically sitting on top of the automatic chair and the regular wheelchair. So seeing as I couldn't lift her myself I went to get a CNA that could. So when she came to the room and saw the picture she went back got another CNA to help her and also told me that what I was doing was illegal because I'm not a qualified CNA yet. And she explained to me why I couldn't do that and that I wasn't allowed to touch the residence. Now I've seen the CNA before I always thought that should be one of the meaner ones turns out she's one of the more nicer ones. Cuz she very calmly explained everything to me and said that I basically just made a mistake cuz it's my first time, so everything was forgiven. She also clued me in that that resident can be very manipulative that resident can pretty much do most things herself and that she only makes herself seem helpless so she can get other people to do what she wants. And I thought in my head wow that's really f***** up was she such an awful person before she even came to the hospital? And then the resident in question I guess was telling them that I pulled her so basically she was trying to get me into trouble. I then start over hearing that the CNAs are talking about her and saying that she's now trying to find me so I can go make her bed and basically be in her room with her at the same time to do god-knows-what. So here I am basically running around looking busy avoiding her so I don't have to go do her bed go into her room possibly be yelled at or attacked. I mean at this point my anxiety is going pretty high I'm already not great with speaking to people I mean just becoming a unit helper was a big step for me because I'm not good with people because I don't like to speak or make conversation cuz I don't know what to say or how I should act. Now the third incident today is where I basically mentally lost it. So Im walking by a residence when they stop me to tell me they need help with such and such. So they basically need something that I can't do but one of the other staff members that are qualified can do. I go and leave to find a qualified person, and I go to a nurse who is busy with one of the residents just to let her know that another resident needs help with such and such. And that's when I realize I'm supposed to ask CNAs for help with that not nurses cuz nurses are normally busy or whatever, I forgot, you know that happens sometimes. Now here's one of the nurses I thought would always be nice...no I was wrong, she turns around snaps at me saying in a very rude voice that she doesn't do such and such thing that I told her about and that I'm supposed to be telling a CNA this not her. So I meekly apologize by saying sorry and walk away. You know being the adult she is I thought she would just ignore it and let it go seeing as how I'm still new here. No that doesn't happen, as I'm in one of the residents rooms just tidying up, making the beds, you know, ect. I hear and see this exact nurse walk by talking to someone else them and mimicking what I told her in one of those condescending ugly voices you use when you retell something that someone you don't like says. I don't become furious like I normally do, where I have that inner anger boiling inside of me. Instead I get a bout of sadness and depression just thinking about what did I do to her to deserve that metaphorical slap to the face, that it was an accident and that it was nothing super major. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do to that person that I barely have ever talked to for her to talk about me behind my back and not directly to my face. And I start thinking I have never done stuff to people outside of an argument with a friend or my mom, an argument/wrestle to the ground with my sister. Ever since the last year of when I was in Middle School I had decided then and there to be a good person to everyone to keep a smile on my face and always be nice no matter if the person was mean. And I only started that promise to myself because I had felt guilty in that last year of just sitting at a table with my cousin and her friend because they would always gossip about everyone around us saying who they hated who was just awful and everything. And I just sat there agreeing with them not saying anything back when all I really wanted to do was tell them to shut up, and that I wanted to go back and hang out with my friend whom I couldn't sit with at lunch because the whole table she was at was full. So that whole year of Middle School her and me didn't really hang out much and in a way I felt very isolated. Now back to the present me, I felt like I just wanted to crawl within myself into a ball of darkness and just crawl under a cave and die there without anyone ever finding me. It was that same feeling of rejection and isolation I've felt throughout moments of my life that I could never verbally explain to anyone even when I had a counselor during my parents custody over my sister and me. It was this tumbling, growing of ball of sadness that was slowly becoming a deep, dark pit overtime as I got older. I just wanted to break down and cry right then and there I mean my eyes had already started to water and my face was twitching wanting to burst out into sobbs and tears. But I kept it in for the rest of the day, which my shift was almost over by then. So after I got done I went downstairs went to one of the bathrooms, let some of my tears escape from my face and then quickly cleaned up my face made myself somewhat presentable so I could at least leave the hospital and walk home. So I walked home my face contorting painfully every now and then trying to let out all this emotion I had balled up for years. My throat felt puffy and sore like I was choking on my own upcoming sobbs. I was sniffling and trying to keep it all in while I was trying to get my key to unlock the damn door, and that door lock is a pain to get undone. So I finally made it in and cried like I do every once in a blue moon when it all becomes too much. And now that I think of it that seems to have always been the solution to certain problems when I would argue with somebody when I was a kid and I would go run and hide in my grandma's room laying on her bed crying until I felt better and then I would fall asleep and wake up refreshed. But this time when I ran into the living room got on the couch and held the pillow tightly to my chest and sobbed in it to muffle my cries...I still didn't feel relieved. I sat there still feeling all this sadness and regret and guilt and shame, feeling like it was all my fault. Bad days just feel like they're becoming more constant as I get older and some days I just wish I could go back to being a kid, to the days when they felt better. Or I just feel like I want to disappear and forget everything that ever was including myself. For a long time I've thought of either killing myself or cutting myself. Killing myself wasn't an option seeing as it would hurt my mom and my sister and my nieces who are the only things in this world that I love and care about the most. And I've never told them any of these things and I feel like I can't tell them cuz they'll look at me differently. So I took the second option...which was cutting myself. I never thought I would have the balls to even poke myself with a needle, it's not like when someone else gives you a tattoo or gives you a shot when you do it yourself it's different. At first it's like you're scared that you're going to mess up or do something wrong. You think of all the possibilities that can happen like "what if I get an infection?" "what if I cut too deep?". I'm a person that's never liked pain I mean I've gotten a tattoo done but that didn't even feel painful it just felt like needles digging across my skin, I was surprised even to have that high of pain tolerance when I got it. I grabbed my art scalpel out of it's rolled up pack and tried to find my lighter to sanitize it and when I couldn't find that I ran it under really hot water. And even before that I sharpened it with a knife sharpener downstairs just so I could get a clean cut or a cut at all. I pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet, found a place on my upper thigh where I could cut it that no one would see. And I started putting my scalpel on it, at first I slid my scalpel softly across the place. And I slowly at first started to cut but I was afraid of the pain cuz I didn't want it to hurt obviously. And then I started making quick swift motions across that same place trying to do a paper cut effect so I wouldn't even notice when I did cut it. At some point I dipped the top head part of my scalpel into my skin and started cutting away like you would at string in a seam of fabric. At this point I could feel the tip of the scalpel cutting away at skin going over bumps in the flesh as if they were the strings holding together two pieces of fabric. Sure it stung a little but not as much as I thought it would. When I was done I looked at it, it looked just like a small paper cut or even a scratch from a needle. I started crying a little not from tears of sadness or 'look what I've done' horror but more of tears of joy I guess. I had finally done something I never thought I would do much like most things that are more innocent that I wanted​ to do but have never done. I looked at it as if it was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a while. I didn't feel the sting of it even when I put hydrogen peroxide on it to clean it, only when I put my pants back on. I walked back up the stairs to my room put the now cleaned scalpel back in its roll-up case and went downstairs, my hands gliding across the walls feeling a sort of light euphoria. I then proceeded to go to the kitchen sink and hand wash my scrubs and my shoes that were stained from juice and other such drinkable liquids from earlier today. I felt happy I didn't feel angry and I didn't feel sad, it was like the events of today were behind me and they were all some stupid joke or whatever. I just felt a sort of relief wash over me really as if I could control my fate and do what I really wanted to do with my life. I know what I did seemed stupid and that I shouldn't be hurting my body cuz well my body is a temple I suppose. But this is the first time I've ever cut myself in my 22 years of living. I'm still not sure on how to process this all so I thought I should write/type it down.