#I’m farthest away from my home than I’ve ever been in my entire life and I still feel the same

[fanboy-feminist]

Got sad and uncomfortable at the sports bar for not enjoying sports… some things never change. Ugh.

[mr-craig]

2022, An Introspective Retrospective:

As the year comes to an end once more, each one feeling shorter than the last, I am of course in a reflective mood. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as the man said.

Covid continues to exist, and I continue to shield for my own safety. If anything, I have to try harder now than I did when the pandemic was new and shiny. The frustrating truth is that The Public™️ is bored of all these tiresome life-saving safety measures, and the likelihood of me getting coughed on by a plague-carrier in public is at an all-time high. Life in the high-risk category is low-fun. Do me (and yourself) a favour and wear a damn mask if you can.

I spent the first half of the year working diligently to put the finishing touches on my album, Star Stuff. I had been working on it in a low-pressure way since 2019, when I first considered making a solo album in my then-new flat. Three years and one pandemic later, I finally finished recording, producing and mixing the music, got it mastered by Jon Clayton at the ever-trusty One Cat Studio, and set to work preparing all the promotional materials. It was a big project for one person to undertake, hence it taking such a bloody long time. But I’m proud of the results. I think it might be the best music I’ve ever made (unquestionably the best I’ve done solo), though it was also a lonely process.

The album led to my second time on the cover of Nightshift, nice reviews in Nightshift and OMS, airplay on BBC Oxford and interviews on Melting Pot and Riverside Rhythms. And the music video for Gene Kelly is on the Telly, directed by Laima Bite, was screened at the Ultimate Picture Palace (my favourite cinema!) as part of Divine Schism’s ten year anniversary celebrations. Not bad considering I have been entirely unable to gig for the third year running, making recorded music and remote appearances the only way for my music to reach people. I’m very thankful for everyone who collaborated, promoted, and offered moral support. I will admit a certain amount of envy for all the artists who have been able to resume gigging, I feel at a distinct disadvantage musically — but then I think of some of my favourite studio-bound artists, like Robert Wyatt and XTC, and remind myself that gigging isn’t the be-all and end-all for every artist.

The final third of the year was unprecedented. I developed an abscess in August, and at the end of the month I was rushed to hospital. Surgery took place on the first day of September, and my scheduled album release was finalised from my hospital bed the very next day. (That is to say, I pressed the “release” button on Bandcamp — you have to do it manually for some reason.) I’ll spare you the gory details, but I’ll just say that it was probably the single most physically painful experience of my life so far. My week in hospital was also the farthest from home I’ve been since the start of the pandemic, and the longest I’ve been away from home since I can’t even remember when. The change of scenery and the social contact was a mixture of exhausting, terrifying, and oddly welcome. But it was a relief to get home, and I’ve made a huge amount of progress healing from surgery these past few months. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get Back To Normal, or what my new normal might look like compared to the old, but my approach to healing is the same as to shielding: It takes as long as it takes.

In the meantime I’ve kept myself occupied with books (whether printed, electronic, or audio), chats with lovely friends, online roleplaying games (not like that, dirty… okay *mostly* not like that!) and board games, radio comedy, and the Nintendo Switch I bought myself as a reward for making it through the hospital experience. I have been hooked on The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the past couple of months, what a magnificent game! I have been rather neglecting the other games in my collection, but there’s plenty of time to get to them next year. (My profile tells me I’ve played approximately 70 hours of Zelda, compared with a paltry 5 hours of Mario Kart 8. Which is why my younger nibling can beat me in EVERY race.)

Being stuck in bed has also given me extra time to reflect, and I finally came to the belated but obvious-in-hindsight conclusion that I am autistic. Many of the friends I feel most comfortable with are also either autistic or some other form of “neurospicy”, and the number of “haha, I do that!” moments I’ve had from social media posts about autism finally became too great to ignore. The lists, the special interests, the self-imposed daily routines, the anxiety caused by bad sensory input, the social discomfort and dislike of eye contact! How did I not see this before?! (Not to mention the huge overlap in the Venn diagram of queerness, kink, and autism. Yeah. All of that.) The more I read, the more I realise that so many of my habits and reactions are closely associated with autism. If it looks like an autistic duck and quacks like an autistic duck…

I am hoping my health will improve next year to the point that I can resume working on music. I have several new songs already demoed in healthier days, some of which could probably be mixed and released as-is, so even if it takes longer to get back to performing, at least I have something to work on in the meantime. There are also potential new projects in the pipeline that I am excited to explore when that’s physically possible. Apart from that, I expect next year will feature more books, more gaming, and more friendship. I hope I will also reignite my love of film — I watched a mere 11 films this year, easily my lowest showing since records began!

Anyway, thank you to everyone who has been here for me this year, whether we spoke every day or just had a little chat here and there. Thank you to those who listened to my music, especially if you shared it with others. Thank you if you laughed at my silly jokes and sent me some of your own. Social media is my main window on the world right now, so thank you all for blooming in my little window box.

[hopelesshunny]

the love languages part iii: words of affirmation (f.w.)

pairing: fred weasley x fem!reader

summary: y/n thinks fred is losing interest in her after he catches another girls eye so he makes sure she knows just how much he loves her.

warnings: kissing, mentions of cheating, misunderstandings, mentions of a breakup, insecurities, mentions of marriage, mentions of pregnancy, very brief joke about a physical fight, ANGST but with a happy ending!!

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is late and i'm very, very sorry but i started writing it and kinda hated it so i had to take a step back and come back to it! i kinda struggled with this one bc words of affirmation is the farthest thing from my personal love language but i hope i did it justice.

*all photos are from pinterest*

series masterlist // part i // part ii // part iv

The warm sunlight washed over Y/N’s skin as she stepped into the courtyard, a smile etched on her face at the thought of seeing her boyfriend, after spending the entire day in class away from him she couldn’t wait to revel in the feeling of his arms wrapped around her. She scanned the sea of students before her eyes finally found him, her smile slightly dropped when she saw two Hufflepuff girls standing in front of Fred as he leaned against a bench on the ground. The two girls were older than Y/N, they giggled as they spoke to him, one of them twirling her hair around her finger. She could feel jealousy pooling deep in the pit of her stomach coupled with an overwhelming sense of guilt as Fred looked very uninterested with the conversation the two girls were attempting to initiate, constantly looking around in search of her.

“There she is!” Fred spoke when Y/N made her way to him, the smile on his face was so genuine that she almost forgot about all the anger that previously possessed her.

“Hi, Freddie.” She greeted, giving into his outstretched arms to let him pull her into his lap. He placed a sweet kiss to her temple. “Hi.” She spoke softly, turning her attention to the two girls, irritation lacing their features.

“Maybe we’ll see you around Fred.” One of them piped up before leaving, whispering to one another as they retreated.

“Your friends seem nice.” Y/N scoffed, biting the inside of her cheek as Fred’s arms tightened around her, sensing her discomfort.

“Not my friends.” He chuckled, littering the side of her face with kisses which earned a giggle from her. “Just some girls in my Herbology class, they won’t leave me alone.” He added.

“Can’t entirely blame them.” She joked, attempting to make light of the situation. “I don’t leave you alone either.”

“Mhmm.” He started, turning her head to face him so that he could place a kiss to her lips. “But your company is more than welcomed, princess.”

She giggled at his soft demeanor, taking his hand in hers whilst she leaned back against his chest as she listened to him babble on excitingly about some of the new products he and George were working on for the shop. She felt content here in his arms but her mind kept wandering to the girls that were obviously attempting to flirt with her boyfriend.

Y/N knew Fred loved her, knew that no matter how many girls flocked to him he would always politely excuse himself from the situation in order to find her, knew that he wouldn’t even think about cheating on her but was he losing interest in her? What if he was looking at all these other girls and thinking they were prettier than her, smarter than her, better than her? She pushed the thoughts away, not wanting to think about losing Fred to someone else, she could hardly stomach it. But truly, it plagued her, Fred had come into her life and made it completely different, he forced her to live in colour after so long of feeling like she was one of those sad black and white Hollywood starlets. He made her feel special, made the rain seem like a gift instead of an inconvenience, made the sun feel warmer and the moon feel like he hung it in the sky just for her.

Fred noticed that Y/N had something on her mind and spent the next few days constantly asking if she was okay but he knew that she was far too stubborn to tell him what was bothering her. Because of this Fred tried a little harder to make sure she knew how much she meant to him, Y/N knew what he was doing but she wasn’t ready to confess to him that she was jealous of all the attention he was getting from the girls at school, worried that her insecurities would push him away. But that was never something that crossed Fred’s mind, he had assumed that other people flirting with him would upset her which is why he always rejected the advances, always made sure she knew that there was no one else walking this earth more perfect for him, he truly wanted nothing more than to slip a ring on her finger and spend the rest of his days with her. Hell if he had a ring right now he’d propose to her no questions asked.

“Alicia, do you know who that girl is?” Y/N asked as she sat in the library, textbooks littering the table in front of the two girls as they poured over their homework. Alicia spun around in her seat to get a look at the girl in question.

“The Hufflepuff girl?” She asked to which Y/N nodded. “I think her name is Jessica, why?”

“It’s nothing.” She lied in reply, gritting her teeth. “Just asking.”

“No you’re not.” She spoke casually, seeing directly through Y/N’s facade. “You don’t seem like yourself lately, what’s wrong?”

“She was talking to Fred a couple days ago.” Y/N sighed. “I just can’t shake it, I’ve caught her staring at him at dinner a few times and she was so adamant about talking to him that day.” Her voice shook as she spoke, Alicia looked to her with a soft smile.

“Y/N.” She started. “Fred loves you so bloody much, so much so that it's kind of gross sometimes. He’d never even think about pursuing another girl, he looks at you like you have a halo hanging above your head.”

“Thanks.” She sniffed, giggling at her friend. “You’re a good friend, Alicia.”

“And if all else fails, you could probably take her in a fight.” Alicia added, earning a loud, genuine laugh from Y/N earning stares and shushing from those in the library.

She felt lighter after her conversation with Alicia and was excited to see Fred at dinner, she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his entire face. Her warm and fuzzy thoughts of Fred were interrupted when she saw Jessica running her fingers up his arm, a devilish smile playing on her lips. Y/N could hardly process the sight in front of her, it was making her sick to her stomach so much that she couldn’t bear to look at Fred’s face not wanting to see his reaction to the pretty girl in front of him trailing her hand up his arm. She didn’t even realize that her feet were carrying her body away from the sight in front of her until she could hear him calling after her.

Tears spilled from her eyes, tracking down her face as she ignored Fred’s desperate calls to her, practically running through the common room and up to her room. She slammed the door, sliding down it as she pulled her knees up to her chest, sobs now freely leaving her mouth.

“Y/N, angel-” Fred started, outside her door, he was audibly out of breath from chasing her through the castle. “Open the door please.”

She sat there for a minute, contemplating never opening the door, never speaking to him again, just simply forgetting that she never ever heard Fred Weasley’s name. But she knew she couldn’t, knew she could never forget about him and she also knew she shouldn’t just shut him out, he would never purposely hurt her. With a sigh she lifted herself from the ground and opened the door to find her very disheveled boyfriend, his hair messy from running his hands through it, his face flushed. As soon as she saw him her legs collapsed beneath her, choked sobs making their appearance once again.

“Hey, hey, none of that.” He whispered, taking her into his arms on the floor. “She just came up to me love, I told her she had to leave me alone, that there was never going to be anything between us because I was in love with you.” He rubbed circles into her back as she sobbed into his chest, placing barely there kisses into her hair.

“Are you-” She started, another brutal sob racking her body. “Are you losing interest in me? I-I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay with me if you don’t want to be.” Freds heart was aching listening to her, he cursed himself for the way she was feeling. He should have told her he loved her more, he should have woken her up every morning by telling her she was the only girl he ever thought of, that he ever wanted.

“I love you Y/N.” He began. “H-How-”

“You can love someone and get bored with them.” She spoke quietly. Fred sighed, placing his hands on her shoulders, he pulled her back to look at her.

“I will never get tired of you, you will never bore me and there is not a chance in hell that I will lose interest in you.” Her eyes found his for the first time since she first opened the door. “I think about you all day, everyday, from the second I wake up with you in my arms until I get to fall asleep next to you, all I think about is you. You’re everything to me.” He let a deep sigh leave his chest as he took her face in his hands. “I’m going to marry you Y/N, in the backyard, back home with everyone there and then we’re gonna have a bunch of little red-headed babies, send them off to Hogwarts and argue over what house they’ll be sorted in.” He said, pulling a giggle from her which he reciprocated with a relieved smile.

“You want to marry me?” She asked as he wiped a stray tear from her eye with the pad of his thumb.

“I have since the day you agreed to date a bloody git like me.” He joked, pulling her into his chest. “It’s only you Y/N, it’s always been you, it’ll always be you, you’re it for me.” She buried her face into his jumper, forgetting about Jessica, forgetting about her doubts, just breathing in his scent, just feeling his lips on her hairline, just her and her Freddie.

taglist (join here!!)

@onlyfreds @fandomhideout @lilypad-55449 @youngblood199456 @thanxxskz @emma67 @gaycatlord-stuff @alicetweven @a-castle-of-glass @youcantbesirius @omghufflepuff @izzyyy-1​

if your url is crossed out i could not tag you!!

[mitsungo]

　∧＿∧

（｡･ω･｡)つ━☆・*。

⊂　　 ノ 　　　・゜+.

しーＪ　　　°。+ *´¨)

　　.· ´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)

(¸.·´ (¸.·’* ✫⌒*･ﾟ

　　

　　I didn’t expect the second part to become more popular! It honestly shocked me! I kinda have an idea of where I’ll be going with the ending—kinda don’t. Idk. We’ll just wait and see how this progresses! Also just go with the flow on this please 😵‍💫

　　✧༺🔥༻∞　🌸　∞༺❄️༻✧

Kyojuro had never wished for nothing more than to live a peaceful life with Y/n after retiring from the demon slayer corps. She was a wonderful person, ever since he had met her, he had known that she would be the girl he would one day call his wife, and she would call him her husband. He and his fellow hashira, named Uzui, would talk about marriage and occasionally talk about children and retiring. Though Uzui would get carried away when it came to the children part, adding more to the conversation about making the children and not imagining how the children would be like. When Uzui talked about that topic, Kyojuro would get startled and start sweating, before he would change the topic as fast as he could. But heaven knows that Uzui would pick up the idea that Kyojuro was still, pure, as Uzui would put it. So what if he was? He and his fiancée agreed that they would consummate their marriage duties once they got married. But then again, Uzui would tell him about how wonderful it felt to, be intimate with a partner.

“Y/n, may I ask you something?” Kyojuro asked, his eyebrows furrowing a bit, to show off that he was going to be serious in the conversation. “Of course Kyo, what is it that you wish to know?” Y/n replied gently, her eyes now fixated on his own. “Have you ever thought of, being intimate…on another level?” Kyojuro felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment at the question he had just asked his fiancée. Y/n abruptly stopped sewing, she didn’t move for a good minute, before she put the needle and kimono down on her lap. “Well, if I am completely honest. I don’t really know what you mean by that dear. What do you mean, ‘on another level’? Are you trying to say…” she paused, her cheeks turning bright red as she realized what he meant. “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable by asking you that. But I just, wanted to know. You know? I mean, the farthest we’ve gone to is kissing and occasionally leaving small marks on one another.” Kyojuro said, he really hoped he hadn’t made y/n’s opinion change on him. What if she thought he was a pervert now. How embarrassing. As he was lost in thought, y/n burst into laughter, starling Kyojuro in the process. “You could have just asked me if you wanted to make love Kyo. No need to be shy with me! We’ve known each other since we were children darling!” She let another fit of giggles escape her mouth as she desperately tried to cover it with a hand over her mouth. How cute. “Guess you’re right! I’ll try to be more straightforward next time!” He shot her a bright smile, causing y/n to stop giggling and stare at him in awe. Kyojuro made his way over to y/n, kneeling down in front of her and taking out a small picture of her and him together in kimonos she had made for them. “Always and forever, my beautiful wife.” He felt y/n gently put the picture back into his pocket, her fingers entangling with his own. “Always and forever, my handsome husband.” Kyojuro looked into his future wife’s eyes, those beautiful shining orbs of life and color. She leaned in closer to his face, her lips touching his. “Let’s get married here now then. And we can consummate the marriage before you depart tomorrow for that mission of yours.” Kyojuro closed his eyes, placing his forehead onto her own, smiling gently at her, “Very well. I will marry you here. And you will marry me here. Together, we will bring our two families and more importantly our souls together.” She nodded, smiling back at him with a warm smile like the sun. They both leaned in, closing the gap between them. Just how lucky was he to have such an amazing woman in his life? He would never know.

Now looking at the situation he was in, with upper rank 3’s arm piercing through his stomach, he wished he had married y/n sooner. They had only spent two months secretly married together, he was hoping to be spending his entire lifetime with her. He couldn’t give up now, not without a fight, not until he cut this demon’s head off. Kyojuro knew y/n would want him to fulfill his mission, just as his mother would too. He had to do it now. “I WON’T LET YOU ESCAPE! NOT UNTIL I CUT THAT HEAD OF YOURS!” He yelled at the demon, who had began to panic due to the sun rising. “LET GO! I SAID LET GO!” Akaza screamed, but to no avail. Kyojuro could feel his body start to succumb to his wound, no, he had to continue fighting. His mind started to get a bit fuzzy his vision on his right eye following right behind. Kyojuro felt Akaza rip himself away from his grasp, so this was it. The fight was over. He could finally rest. He had also lost the picture he always kept near his heart of him and y/n, how much he wanted to cry from not being able to see her face one more time.

“You will, live on without me. I will see you again.”

The day after Kyojuro’s funeral, she locked herself up in her room, ignoring her aunt and uncle’s plea for her to come out and eat or be in the garden. How could she eat or do anything when the man she loved had just died? Y/n undid her hair, throwing the pin away in a corner of her room. The sound of it hitting the wall harshly, she didn’t pay no attention to it, nothing mattered anymore. Nor she, or anyone. Her eyes started to tear up again, she looked up and saw one of the unfinished kimono’s in her room. Y/n grit her teeth in anger, yanking the kimono from the rack, grabbing a pair of scissors and tearing it apart. The one beautiful piece of fabric was now a torn up piece of cloth. She fell to her knees, her head starting to hurt from the anger and grief.

“Kyojuro! Why did you leave me all alone? Now who will be my other half if not you? Gods, what have I done to anger you enough to take away my husband from me? Please, take care of him for me until I go with him and my parents. Who am I to judge you for your decisions? Even then, I can not live without Kyojuro!” She proclaimed to no one, her hands gripping tightly on the kimono she had just shred into pieces. Why was this world so cruel to her? To everybody? She knew others had gone through much worse, and only now did she understand those who have lost their entire families, friends, and even themselves. How tragic. Her uncle and aunt were shocked when she had come down later in the night to the garden. Y/n looked up at them, her hair a mess, eyes red and a shredded kimono in hand.

“I renounce my title as a seamstress.”

A whole month has passed since Akaza had met Y/n. The two have gotten closer to one another, almost as if they were best friends. He had just arrived for the night at her home, the scent of her perfume in the room.

“Oh, Akaza. You’re here. Please. Take a seat.” Y/n said, gesturing for him to sit down in his designated spot. As he walked over to the small tea table, his eyes caught a certain picture frame that was placed in between a small shrine. Akaza picked up the frame, glancing behind his back to make sure y/n was not there, he studied the picture, it was Y/n and Kyojuro. Both of them smiling softly with their hands intertwined. It made him a bit jealous seeing kyojuro there with her, he didn’t deserve a woman like y/n. “So, are you going to teach me how to sew details into a kimono today or are you just—.” He stopped mid sentence, his mouth covered by y/n’s hands. She leaned into his ear and said, “I know you were the one that murdered Kyojuro.” He felt his eyes widen. “But don’t worry, I do not hate you. Humans and demons are sworn enemies. One may say that you are evil, doing unspeakable things to mankind, but even so, you are still a living creature, as I know you do not age, and you can be killed. Any living thing can be killed, though your morals are different than ours, I understand. What you think you do is righteous , and what the demon slayers think they do is righteous, it will in the end be the same. Killing one another because of different perspectives.” Y/n pulled her hands off his mouth, and backing away slowly. Akaza turned to face her, his face written with confusion and thoughtfulness. “You truly are an odd woman.” Was all he said in response. “They say the best people are a bit odd.” She giggled, taking his hand into her own. “Come now, let me show you how I do these details.”

The wind had began to pick up more now. With the petals of fallen wisteria flowers being taken away by the air and into the unknown. Akaza had just had a hard night, first he was summoned to an upper moon meeting, it seemed that an upper moon had died and their master was not happy at all, then that idiot with the blood stained hair had to go and bother him. How irritating, if only he could beat that parasite. But at least he would be going to go visit y/n today, since he didn’t have much do to. Akaza arrived in a matter of time, he poked his head into her room, his eyebrows furrowed when he noticed y/n’s scent was different today, sickly almost. He began to panic.

“Y/n? Where are you?” He took another look around the room and ran towards the end of the hall. “I’m downstairs, in the study room.” Akaza heard her say, he quickly made his way down to the room she said she was in. He slid open the door and saw y/n sitting down with her hand over her stomach. “Akaza, I found out, today, that I am pregnant.” His jaw dropped at the news, what the actual fuck? “How are you pregnant? I mean, is that even possible? Who’s baby is it? Have you been seeing men behind my back?” He started asking her, though he knew that couldn’t be the answer, as he would have smelt the scent of another man sooner. “I’ve only ever slept with you and kyojuro. This is very hard for me to even understand.” Akaza frowned when he realized that the baby growing inside had to be Kyojuro’s, it irritated him, now this day has truly become the worst one. As he was lost in thought, he snapped back to reality when he felt y/n’s soft hand tightly grip his. “I do not know why, but I have a feeling that there are two babies in me. And you are the father of one of them. You don’t need to stay by my side anymore. I understand. I wouldn’t stay either.” She happily said. Akaza’s eyes widened at her words, could that be a possibility, and would he actually want to keep staying here with her? Perhaps it was, or not. Only time will tell. As for staying with her, he didn’t know how to feel anymore. Y/n looked at him, her gaze slowly breaking away from his own, as if she was getting the aura that he wasn’t so sure anymore about anything. Y/n felt a smile creep up on her face, she pulled her hand away from his and slowly got up. But Akaza quickly yanked her back and embraced her, not too tightly, as he was worried he would hurt her and the babies. Akaza closed his eyes as he felt her arms wrap around him. This was a familiar feeling. He opened his mouth to finally give a response,

“I will stay with you no matter what.”

[desiredmalfoy]

True Love Is Eternal (D.M x Reader + F.W. x Reader)

Pairing: Draco x Reader, Fred Weasley x Reader

Word Count: 2.3k

Note this is going to be changing from 1st person to 2nd and 3rd person.

Enjoy the final installment of the Dear Malfoy Series! Fred’s POV! Thank you for everyone who has shown love to my writing! You don’t know how much I appreciate it (it means a lot to me). 

Dear Malfoy [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]  (Masterlist)

The invitation to your wedding invitation came suddenly in the mail. It came addressed to the Weasley family, which I guess includes me. No, it did include me. You put that in the invitation. I didn’t even realize that I was holding in my breath as I opened up the intricate wedding invitation. The Malfoys are not sparing any expense on this. He would give you nothing but the best in life. He had been fine for the past couple of years, he had managed to get you out of his head for the longest time. He had even been in a serious relationship but that did work out. But it seems like the news of your wedding brought all these feelings back. Maybe all these old feelings resurfacing because of the news of your marriage but not because he actually still loved her. Or maybe in the back of his mind, he’d always wish you would have a moment of revelation where you realized who truly loved him.

                                 We are honored to invite you to

                                       the unity of marriage of

                                         Draco Lucius Malfoy 

                                                       &

                                        (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N)

Your name is written in beautiful intricate gold cursive. Taunting me with every letter written. He ran his fingers over where your name was printed, reminiscing of the moments he had with you.

It was the middle of summer and the both of you were laying on the grass outside the burrow. You were looking up at the night sky admiring the millions of stars. Moments like these were the ones he hoped were forever.

“What do you want to do when we leave this place”,  Fred had asked her out of nowhere. 

“Get my own place. I love my parents but I want to have my own space.” 

“Oh! And get a kitten!” (Y/N) excitedly added. “I really want to get a kitten.”

“I’ll get you as many as you would like”, he said as he hugged her tightly.

“Is this your way of asking me to move in with you”, she teased him and his cheeks had become red from blushing. 

“Not yet but one day in the future hopefully.” He answered as he envisioned them with a few cats and maybe a baby or two. “And you know I’ll have my shop by then too.”

He wished he could go to the past. 

——-

Fred dwelled on the thought of going to your wedding. The invitation had been extended to the entire family, including him. After everything that had occurred, (y/n) had always been on good terms with the rest of the Weasley family. She had even eventually forgiven George for not telling her. George had explained to him that she forgave him to let go of the past and move on. 

Fred had thought he would keep on seeing you every summer as the previous ones before. You had always come to stay at least for a couple of days to see Ron and Ginny before you dated him. But the summer after his 7th year and (y/n)’s 5th it all changed. He anticipated your arrival but didn’t want to ask any of his siblings if they knew you’d be coming over. He stupidly thought that he would be able to at least fix your friendship that summer. It wasn’t until he had overheard a conversation between Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and Harry that he knew you weren’t going to show up.

“I received an owl from her today.”, Ginny said excitedly as she sat down, a white envelope in her hand. 

“How is she? I miss her greatly this summer.” Hermione asked as she reached for that same envelope from Ginny. 

“She said she’s definitely enjoying Paris with Draco.”

“He took her to Paris”, Ron asked, shocked at the revelation. “The bloke has only been dating her for like eight months and he’s already taking her on expensive trips?’

“It’s Malfoy. Did you expect anything less”, Harry answered with a slight eye roll. “He’d buy her a castle if she would just let him.”

“I knew Malfoy always goes all out but I didn’t think he would take her on vacation so soon!”

“What do you expect?” Ginny laughed at Ron’s still confused expression. “He’s madly in love with her. He’s even nice to Harry of all people just for her.”

“That was the most surprising thing of all”, Hermione agreed with her with a giggle. “Who knew all it took to stop Malfoy from being such a prat was for (y/n) to date him.”

“I mean he even called Harry by his first name the last time we saw him instead of Potter”, Ron added to the conversation. 

“I still miss her this summer”, Ginny complained with a groan. “It’s not the same without her.”

That was the beginning of you spending every summer with Draco instead of at the Burrow with the Weasley’s like every other summer. 

———

He was walking along Hogsmeade after a long day of work. He was headed towards the Three Broomsticks to meet up with George who had taken a few days off from the shop that day. He hadn’t been feeling well the past few days and Fred had told him to stay home. He was finally feeling better and to celebrate, George had asked him to meet there for a couple of drinks. It was a pretty calm evening with a few people walking about the area. Fred mostly went unnoticed by others just trying to get home for the night. 

That’s when he saw you coming out of the dress store with your mother and Narcissa Malfoy by your side. (Y/N) had a huge grin on her face as she carried a large white box with a beautiful ribbon to tie it all up. It was your wedding dress. He just knew it was that. A large smile decorated your face as you seemed ecstatic about the contents of the box. He turned quickly into a different alleyway to avoid running into you. 

He was going to be needing something stronger than butterbeer tonight. 

——-

Fred and George were currently on their way to their parent’s home to visit them for the evening. Life had been hectic and he hadn’t had a chance to see them in a couple of days. Plus it was one night where he would not have to cook for himself and George. Nothing beats a home-cooked meal from your mum on days like these. 

They didn’t even bother knocking as they entered the home. 

“Mum your favorites have arrived”, Fred announced loudly teasingly as he saw Ron sitting on the couch. 

“I didn’t know Charlie and Bill were dropping by”, Ron said without lifting his gaze from the book on his lap.

“That hurts Ronnie”, George played around as he wiped a fake tear from his cheek.

“Anyway, where is mum?”

“They’re upstairs trying on the bridesmaid dressed for the future Mrs. Malfoy’s wedding”, Ron said with a snicker. “Mione and Ginny I mean.”

“I still can’t believe that it’s coming up so soon”, Fred responded as he sat next down to his brother. 

“I am just excited about the food”, George said with a laugh. “I know it will be good.”

“Nice to know you care about me”, a teasing voice said from the stairs. Fred knew that voice and giggle anywhere. They all turned to where the voice was coming from.

“You know what I mean”, George said with a smile. He got up and greeted (y/n) with a hug. “It’s nice to see you again.”

He caught a glimpse of your engagement ring shining in light. Only the best for you.

“I’ve been busy”, she answered simply. “Weddings are a big thing to plan. Especially one that is only a about a two weeks away”

“How the joke shop?” (Y/N) questioned George. “Ginny has told me it’s been going amazingly for you two.”

“Right it has been”, George agreed. “Those Hogwarts kids are great customers. Right, Freddie?”

“Way to make us seem old Georgie”, Fred laughed as he looked directly at her. “It’s nice to see you (y/n).”

“Nice to see you too Fred”, she said, giving him a friendly smile. Not the same one she would give him years ago. 

“Are you staying for dinner darling”, mum said as she came down the stairs with Ginny and Hermione trailing just behind. 

“I’m sorry Mrs. Weasley”, (y/n) apologized. “I would love to but I had promised my parents I’d be eating with them tonight. Plus I still have to get home and see if Draco is back from work.”

You’d made a home with him already. One that he had promised you all those years ago.

“Don’t worry darling.” Mum said with a gentle smile. “You’re invited to dinner whenever you would like.”

“Thank you so much.” (Y/N) said as she hugged mum goodbye. She waved to everyone else and she was gone out the door. 

———

The day of the wedding finally came and he had decided to go. He wanted an opportunity to see you dressed in white. Fred walked over with his family to the Malfoy Manor. They’re escorted to the garden in the back to wait for the beginning of the ceremony. It was decorated with your favorite flowers, white roses. Flowers that symbolized innocence, youthfulness, eternal loyalty. 

The eternal loyalty you were about to pledge to Malfoy for the rest of your lives. 

Fred anxiously waited for the ceremony to start. He looked around the space and saw many of his former classmates interacting with each other. It wasn’t long before the ceremony started. 

Draco enters….

Your wedding party enters….

Everyone stands for your entrance….

The wedding march starts….

You walk down the aisle hand in hand with your father. You looked stunning in your wedding dress. Darling how I wish I was the one watching you walk towards me. You don’t spare a glance to where I’m standing. I’m probably the farthest thing from your mind. And I’m glad you don’t because I don’t think my heart would take it. He watches on a Malfoy cries at the sight of you walking towards him. Fred knew if he was in his place he’d probably do the same.

Because even though all I want to do is run up to that alter and tell you exactly how I feel, I simply won’t. I've seen how happy you are with him, and I can't ever do that to you. Even though I sit here to watch you wed another man and break my heart in the process. 

Why am I even here? Why did I even come? 

He watches as you pledge your love for Draco. Vowing to stay with him every moment of your lives together. He watched as you said “I do” through your tears. 

You make such a lovely bride. Maybe in another lifetime or reality, you’re mine. But in this one darling, we just weren’t meant to be. 

Maybe in another lifetime, I’ll be able to hold you close and never let go. In this one, I foolishly took you for granted and let you slip from my arms into the firm grasp of another man. 

I knew I shouldn’t have come, but I couldn’t resist seeing you in white. 

Because sometimes two souls are only meant to just be in each other’s life for a while; awaiting the lifetime where they’ll meet again but this time forever. 

Alternative Ending:

Fred stood alone in his shop tonight. Wanting to throw himself into work to ignore the pain in his chest. He took another swing of the bottle of fire whisky in an attempt to drown out all the intrusive thoughts running through his mind. He spent the evening thinking about how he wished it was him marrying you, waiting at the end of the aisle. You’d be getting married next week and he couldn’t do anything about it. He knew he messed up all those years ago, and he’d do anything to turn back time. 

He heard the door chime as someone opened the door. He must have forgotten to lock up in his current state. 

“We’re closed”, he yelled out towards the door. He didn’t bother to lift his head to talk to them. Not wanting to be seen in this state. 

“Freddie?”

This caused an instant reaction from him. He’d know that voice anywhere.

“(Y/N/N)”, he whispered. He was afraid you’d disappear at any moment. A hallucination.

“I missed you. I need you.”

“I missed you too.”

I know it’s not the best alternative ending but I kind of left it open for the reader to decide. It is a little something for those who would choose Fred instead. Do they realize they actually loved Fred after all this time? Is Fred just losing it and imagining this? It’s up to you to decide!

Click here for Valentine’s Day Shipping

Taglist: @keepsmilingandstayhappy @sarcasticallywitty15 @adrianpuceyishot @dracoismybabey @little-me204 @loveforreading @stephaniewinchester-weasley @cronen 

Reminder: None of my work can be reposted anywhere. It doesn’t matter if you give credit, please do not repost!

[not-all-dead]

"It’s not a surprise when the Chief of Police comes out. There have been betting pools for years, and the announcement is met with mostly indifference. What is a surprise, however, is the interview that comes out alongside the announcement. The interview that is complete with a photoshoot of Lin Beifong in civilian clothes, talking about the challenges of her position. No one can remember the last time the Chief has given an interview, and the photo becomes the talk of the town."

How do you think the interview goes? What would Lin say?

link to (what i believe was) the original post of this! with some amazing art that VERY much helped me write this :DD (by @mgthejerkbender)

i was originally just gonna write a dialogue or notes for this but uh- i got a little carried away so here’s a 3687 word fic of the interview oops

CW: implications of past trauma (mentions of r@pe/s*xual assa*lt, public humiliation, not graphic at all), homophobia, sexism

fic under the cut :)

Lin walked into the room in a soft green turtleneck and dark brown pants that almost looked black without the light. There was sound equipment set up all over the place, with two armchairs in the middle of it all. A desk sat over to the side, a typewriter and paper sitting atop it. Quite a few people were rushing around, making sure that everything was in place for the broadcast. She watched a young woman sit at the desk, prepping the typewriter to transcribe the entire thing.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Lin turned to see a man in his early forties standing with a small journal behind her.

He wore a plain suit with a pale orange tie, his greying hair slicked back neatly. His eyes flitted around the room, checking things briefly for himself before focusing on Lin. He opened the notebook to a page about a quarter of the way through and smiled at Lin, nodding at the chairs behind her.

“Care to sit?” he asked, moving toward the chairs.

She took the seat farthest from where they’d just been standing, shifting to get comfortable while she waited for him to sit and get things rolling. She didn’t want to admit it, but her heart was racing. She hadn’t done anything like this is ages, especially not so casually. The topic of discussion also made her nervous, both because her job was something she rarely spoke of with anyone outside a professional context, and because of the announcement that would come with the interview. She’d encountered plenty of bigoted people in the past, and had no doubt that her officially coming out would only press them to question her position more than usual.

She picked idly at the fuzzballs on her turtleneck until the man sitting beside her cleared his throat. Her head snapped up to look at him, her body tensing briefly before seeing that he was testing the microphones. She sighed and relaxed slightly, speaking into the microphone placed before her when the sound technician prompted her to do so. Once everything seemed to be in place and ready to go, the broadcast started.

“Welcome, listeners, to tonight’s special program. I’m your host, Kaja Posicopolis, here with our esteemed Chief of Police, Lin Beifong. So, Chief, how are you on this fine night?” he started, putting on his radio voice.

“Good, I’m good,” Lin responded, leaning slightly forwards in her seat.

“That’s good to hear. I think I’ll launch right into our questions if you don’t mind, we’ve got a lot to get through tonight,” Lin nodded when he looked over to her, giving him the go ahead.

“Why don’t we start with something positive. What’s your favourite thing about your position as Chief? What about the job brings you the most joy?” he turned to watch her while waiting for her answer.

She looked at the floor for a moment, thinking before speaking.

“I think I’d have to say getting to help people. Ever since I was young I’ve wanted to protect others as much as possible, and being Chief makes that a lot easier and a lot more… legal,” he joined her when she chuckled lightly, but her smile only lasted a moment.

“Of course, I’m not perfect, and there are always times when things go wrong. I can’t say that those times don’t affect me, but I try to think of the people we as a force have helped over the years and that keeps me going,” she took a deep breath and looked to Kaja as he glanced at his notepad.

“That leads right into my next question; how do you do it? Not even your infamous mother was Chief for as long as you’ve been, and her time was already impressive. You’ve given so much to Republic City already, why, and how, do you keep giving?” there was a look of wonder and admiration on his face when he finished the question.

“I grew up in Republic City. It always has been, and will be, my home. And who doesn’t want to protect their home? I think that as long as I live here, I’ll be working to do anything in my power to help the city. I hate watching neighborhoods suffer… actually, I’m working on a plan with President Moon at the moment with the hopes of helping out the poorer parts of the city, providing homes for the homeless, all that good stuff. I just want to see Republic City thriving, and I want to help it get to that point. As I said before, it’s my home; everyone here is part of a community, a family, if you will, and that means everything to me,” Lin leaned back, resting against the cushion behind her, setting her right foot on her left knee.

“That’s a beautiful sentiment, thank you. I love the idea of the city being one big family, and that project sounds like it’ll be very good for the future of Republic City,” Kaja turned his gaze back to his notes, stopping the conversation briefly.

“The next question I have here is less uppity; what has your biggest struggle been with regards to your job?”

“That’s a hard one,” she paused. “I’ve had many struggles with work over my years as Chief, but I think of everything that’s happened… being a woman, and a queer one at that, has definetly taken it’s toll. Other things have been more directly challenging, but that’s been present since day one.”

“Would you care to elaborate on that?” he prompted leaning slightly towards her.

She inhaled and held her breath for a split second before sighing lightly.

“Sure, why not,” she gave a small smile to Kaja before starting.

“When I was much younger, just starting out in the force, I could already see the inherent bias against women that so many male officers held. My mother wasn’t immune to their verbal attacks, though she would give them a good… sparring match, lets say, if they ever so much as laid a finger on her. After a few times, that generally stopped happening, but people would still talk. The number of disgusting, awful things I heard coming from some of those men…” she huffed and shifted in her seat, putting one elbow on her armrest and resting her head on her hand.

“Anyway, I started to pay attention to every little thing. I noticed how many male politicians talked down to my mother, and not because of her blindness. Even a few of the men on our own council at the time would treat her as less-than for no apparent reason.

“I saw it happening in my own life and career, too. How my male counterparts got the promotion before I was even considered, despite performing just as well as them, if not better. How I was never asked for input on supposedly collective decisions or plans, and if I was or tried to interject, I was almost always dismissed. It seemed like any man of higher or equal rank to me thought I was some… assistant to bring him coffee and reports and not do any actual work.

“Seeing that attitude so often pissed me off. I made it my mission to prove myself beyond what was necessary. I wanted to show them that I could do anything they could just as well, sometimes even better. My work paid off eventually and I began to climb the ranks, not letting myself rest for a second. And I wanted to help people as well, of course, but it started out more as wanting to teach those bastards a lesson,” she moved again, uncrossing her legs and leaning forward on her elbows.

“Once I became Chief, a lot of people seemed determined to put me down. Practically every man, be he politician or merchant on the street, told me something insinuating that I was handed the position just because my mother was Chief before me. Every time I wanted to yell at them, to show them records of how hard I’d worked to get there, how much harder I’d had to work than most of my colleagues. With the politicians and other major figureheads, how much harder I’d had to work than they probably had.

“It was frustrating, but I got used to it. It was a constant that came with working a so-called, and I’m not making this up, it’s been said directly to my face before, ‘Man’s job’,” she stopped for a moment and looked over at Kaja, who was staring at her in disbelief.

She couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at his expression before looking back down and continuing.

“There was also the issue of my queerness,” she shook her head and took a deep breath, sitting back as she continued.

“I started working as a proper officer when I was about eighteen. Within my first year working, I was-,” she closed her eyes and clenched her teeth for a second.

“I had an encounter with a man, an older officer who was overseeing the training group I was a part of. He tried to initiate certain… activities with me, none of which I wanted to partake in. I did manage to get rid of him and filed a report against him, but it wasn’t the last time it happened.

“I was a pretty regular customer at a few of the underground bars for people like me at the time. I did my best to hide my face when I left, but there were always times I was careless, or somebody saw me in the seconds I let my guard down. Usually it was no big deal, but occasionally it was someone from work. Once, it was that man.

“He found me at work the next day and asked me about it. Yelled at me, really. He tried to make it seem like that’s why I’d denied him, and the names he called me weren’t pretty to say the least. He started to physically attack me, throwing punch after punch and not giving me the slightest chance to fight back.

“After that day, I stopped going to those bars altogether. The first time I went back to one was actually just a few years ago. I started dating Tenzin a few years later, and though people weren’t so outwardly expressive of their opinions on my relationships, the disapproval was still present.

“By the time Tenzin and I split up, I think some people still suspected my queerness, but it wasn’t a widely adopted theory. I had my fair share of men approach me, some with better intentions than others, and turned down most of them. Some of them didn’t react all that well, and I ended up filing several more reports. I don’t think any of them actually got charged, though.

“I entertained short romances with some men, some women too. Nothing stuck, not really anyway. I kept every relationship very quiet, including those with men, just for the sake of privacy. When I was with women, it was also to avoid getting hate-crimed, but I really did prefer to keep at least some things private.

“In the context of work, there were also challenges. That first superior to try getting at me like that must’ve talked, telling anyone who would listen about my excursions to the underground bars. People looked at me oddly in just about any shared workspace there was, though a few times I made friends because of it. Those were always good times, even if few and far between.

“Some people just gave a judgemental stare or vaguely rude comment every so often, but a few others took it further. Much further,” she looked up to the ceiling as she recalled another story.

“I had a supervisor when I was probably about, oh, twenty seven or so. He was a few ranks below my mother, and I one below him. He decided that one day it would be absolutely hysterical to cover my desk in obscene printed images of women I didn’t recognize, along with toys of a certain nature. I was mortified when I came in and saw the spectacle. The worst part was that almost everyone working in that part of the building at the time laughed with him, and those who didn’t weren’t exactly helpful.

“I didn’t come back to work for a week after that. It was awful, his stupid prank making me so shamed of who I was, who I loved. I know now that my loving both women and men isn’t a bad thing, and is simply part of me. It was harder to accept that, to accept myself, when I saw people like him in positions of power over me.

“I kept working though, and there was never an incident quite like that one again. A few others were more directly hateful than most, but it was easier to deal with. As with people treating me as less because of my gender, I got used to it,” she turned to Kaja, a hint of guilt on her face after talking for so long.

He shook his head, disbelief still spread across his face. His eyes flitted back and forth between floor tiles as he searched for the right words to respond.

“That sounds awful. I’m so sorry you had to deal with people like that,” he looked back up at Lin.

“So am I,” she scoffed, her fingers picking at her turtleneck again.

There was a small silence before Kaja looked back down at his notepad and then at the clock on the wall.

“We’ve got enough time for one last question, so is there anything you’d like to tell young women and queer people living in the city?” His expression was almost hopeful now, desperate to end off on a lighter note.

Lin smiled in amusement at him before looking down at her hands, fiddling her thumbs in her lap. After a moment, she looked back up at him and started speaking again.

“Absolutely,” she began, her gaze drifting around the room and landing on each individual at least once.

“To all the women working your asses off in the workforce: stand up for yourself. Don’t let any man devalue you because of your gender. Be the best you can be and wipe the smiles clean off their faces as you do it. Start your own businesses, get that promotion, set goals for yourself and fly past them. You can do just about anything you put your mind to, despite what many men might say,” her voice was strong, almost commanding as she began her final statement.

“And to all the young queer people out there; you are so, so strong. Keep loving each other, keep being yourselves. I know how awful people can be, but their opinions do not define you. You are perfect exactly as you are, and nothing can change that. It might seem like it’ll never be true, but I believe we will live in a time when acceptance is the norm. I believe that that time, with hard work and patience with those who need teaching, will be here soon.”

“Perfect. Thank you so much for your time, Chief,” Kaja said, looking at the clock again.

“Thank you for having me,” Lin replied, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“And with that, folks, we wrap up today’s special broadcast. I’ll be back in the studio tomorrow resuming our usual radio program. Until then, I’m Kaja Posicopolis, and this is eighty six point four, your favourite music station,” Kaja finished, staying silent for a few seconds until a man from across the room nodded at him.

He rolled his head around and got up from his chair, setting his notepad down behind him.

“How are you now?” he asked Lin as he stretched his arms out and cracked his back.

Lin scoffed and stood, going through a couple of her own stretches. She straightened her shirt and tucked a few stray hairs back before responding.

“I feel like I just stood naked in front of the entire city,” she said, unable to hold back a small smile when Kaja laughed.

“Well, we’re about to expose you even more. You ready for the photo shoot?” he grabbed his notebook and pen and closed them, watching Lin for an answer.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Lin sighed before following him out of the room.

They walked down several long hallways, eventually coming to a large open room. The walls and floor were a pale grey cement, and there were expensive looking lights set up all over the place. A dark green upholstered bench sat to one side of the room, a tall light shining down on it. A few people saw them coming in and rushed around, turning off almost every other light. One of them knocked on a door that was on the other end of the room, calling for someone inside.

“This seems a bit excessive,” Lin muttered, her eyes wandering the room.

“Only the best for you, Chief,” a man said from somewhere in the shadows.

Lin glanced behind her only to see Kaja talking to someone near the door. When she turned back to where the voice had come from, she had to bite back a laugh. She tried not to, but couldn’t help smiling at the absolute glow that radiated from the man in front of her.

“You like my outfit?” he asked with a grin, twirling around for her.

He had on bright red fit-and-flare pants with a stripe of gold sequins down their side; a matching red low-cut tank top; a purple feather-covered knee-length jacket; gold sparkly platform shoes that made him tower over Lin more than he already would have; and a top hat that belonged with a businessman’s black tie attire.

“It’s incredible,” Lin chuckled, crossing her arms casually over her chest.

“You look sharp yourself today, Chief,” he said with a grin, taking a few steps towards her.

Before she could object, he pulled her into a tight hug. His arms squashed her face against his lower chest, making Lin painfully aware of the extent of their height difference. She laughed and patted his arm, thankfully getting him to release her.

“I’m assuming you’re the photographer, then?” she asked, grinning up at him.

He nodded enthusiastically and spun on his heel, walking back into the darkness. She heard a couple of small crashes and a string of profanities before he came back, a large camera and it’s stand filling his arms.

“Uh- where am I going?” he asked Lin, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

She let out a small laugh and stepped towards him, placing her hand on his arm. She guided him towards the bench setup, stopping them near where the light stood.

“Thank you, thank you!” he exclaimed, setting down the camera’s stand first and then fastening the camera to it.

“Of course,” Lin breathed, suddenly nervous to have her photo taken.

The photographer immediately noticed her mood change and put his hands on her shoulders.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make you look,” he closed his eyes and blew a chef's kiss to the side.

Lin nodded and took a deep breath, filling her lungs as much as she could before letting it all out. The photographer made a few adjustments to the camera stand, making sure it would stay while he got her in position, and then led her to the bench. He sat her down in the middle of it and walked back to his camera, dragging the stand loudly over so he was more to her right.

“Don’t be so stiff,” he called, looking at her through the viewfinder and flapping his hand in the air.

“Just- pretend I’m not here, you’re just sitting at home listening to the radio.”

He stepped back from the camera and watched Lin as she settled her head on her left fist with her right elbow on her knee. The photographer gave her a big thumbs up, calling “Much better!” and going back to looking through his camera.

He shifted it a few times before taking any photos, wanting to get it right in as few shots as possible considering the price and rarity of film in stores. Lin looked at the camera for the first few, looking away because of her boredom growing steadily. When he seemed satisfied with the shots, he took the camera off the stand and walked over to the bench.

“Room for another?” he asked, not letting Lin answer before settling himself beside her.

The images printed slowly, one at a time. After each was out, he placed them in the shadow under the bench to protect them from overexposure. Once the last one printed, he reached down and grabbed the first. It had settled well, the colours coming out nice and bright.

“It’s perfect,” Lin gasped, staring in wonder at the photo that managed to make her alright with how she looked out-of-uniform.

The photographer grinned at her, holding the photo up.

“I agree,” he said proudly, forgetting his other photos and standing.

Lin watched as he brought the photo to Kaja, engaging the shorter man in a quick and lively discussion before handing off the photo and walking back. He grinned ear to ear at her, and she sighed before relenting and giving a small smile back.

“Nervous, Chief?” he asked, standing before her with his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

Lin chuckled and shook her head.

“I just haven’t done something like this in ages… or ever, really,” she said, her hands moving to grip the edge of the bench.

“Hey,” the photographer moved to place a hand on her shoulder, prompting her to look up at him.

“You’re doing great, Chief, trust me,” Lin let out a breath and really smiled at him this time.

“Thank you,” she said quietly, meaning it with every ounce of her being.

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

if this was a dream pt. 3

i want to apologize in advance because this is literally like 4 chapters in a trench coat... i'm serious chapter 1 was just over 1000 words and this is over 4000, I have no idea what happened. the reason I didn't break it up is because it is very alastair-centric. I promise next chapter we will get back to thomas and see how he's doing with the actual amnesia part of it all.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Fanfiction Masterlist | AO3

Alastair pulled his coat tightly around himself, trying to keep his breathing steady. The walk from the Institute to Cornwall Gardens was long, but it would give him far more time to clear his head than borrowing a carriage or hailing a hansom cab. He fell into the rhythm of his footsteps; this was familiar to him. He had spent more hours than he could count just walking and walking, trying to run from this life the universe had given him. 

Now, though, even his walking was infected by Thomas. 

Sometimes, I simply needed to get away from all of the hovering. There was this bit of forest near our house in Idris… it was nice, peaceful. The perfect escape, somewhere to wander until I was too spent to continue. Drove my parents a bit mad, but it was what I needed. 

Alastair told him about the woods around Cirenworth, how it was his escape, too. He’d memorized nearly every corner of that forest over the years. It was somewhere where he could pretend to be someone, anyone else. He could be no one, even. He’d left most of the details out, as he often did when discussing his childhood. He trusted Thomas completely, but there were some things he preferred to leave in the past. 

Now, his sleepless body ached against the increasing pace of his footsteps, pushing forward as if moving quickly enough could outrun the tears burning behind his eyes. He did not know if he could do this again. If Thomas never regained his memories, could Alastair convince him to forgive him again? Their original circumstances were quite peculiar. Could Alastair survive trying to gain his forgiveness again? 

He’d do anything for Thomas, he knew. He loved him, even if he’d never said it out loud. And as he said it now, even in the safety of his own mind, it felt far different than it ever did with Charles on the receiving end. With Charles, love felt strangling. It was shackles to his ankles and wrists, tying him to his misery. Looking back, it was not love at all. With Thomas, he felt free. Thomas made the impossible feel possible. 

It isn’t possible. It won’t ever be.

He heard his own words repeated back to him. He knew where this was headed from the start. This is how it all works out for Alastair Carstairs. He knew this time would be no different, even if he hoped it would. 

He loathed this feeling inside of him. He’d been doing well. He’d been happy. Now all he could think of were his own self-doubts, his own self-hatred, his age-old desire to run away to the farthest stretches of the Earth in the middle of the night, never to return. 

A better partner, a better person would not be so consumed in these thoughts as he was. A better partner would not be the recipient of such hatred from the man he loved at all, memories or not. A better partner would know what to do, how to ease the pain and anxiety that flooded Thomas’ eyes rather than exacerbate them. He was not better, however. He could never be what Thomas deserved. He knew it from the start, but it felt different, being thrown in his face now. 

Perhaps it would be better this way, he thought, for it to end like this. It was going to end eventually, as all things do. Perhaps this way would hurt Thomas less, even if Alastair would always wonder what could have happened if he’d tried a little harder, if he’d been a little less horrible, if he’d been a little bit stronger, a bit braver.

He was being ridiculous, he knew. Thomas merely needed time. He’d just woken up from his injury, six months displaced, no less. He was grieving his sister again, even more than before. Alastair wanted to ease Thomas’ pain, but he could not, and thus, Thomas needed time and space and he would give it to him. 

Before he realized it, he had returned to his home. He could not remember most of the walk, his feet guiding him through the city he now knew a bit too well as his mind wandered to a place he couldn’t quite reach with his consciousness. 

He slowly unlocked the door and sighed as he hung his coat. Cordelia started quickly down the stairs but froze as her expression fell when she saw the look on his face. 

Realizing what she must be thinking, Alastair quickly shook his head. “He’s alright. He woke up. He simply… appears to be missing about the past six months of memory.” 

Cordelia frowned, her face softening as she continued down the stairs and embraced her brother. “Oh, dâdash. Are you alright?” 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Thomas is alive and awake. He just hates me.” 

She sighed. “He doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he ever truly did.” 

He shook his head. “He thinks he does. Or he wants to. What’s it matter?” 

“Take a seat, dâdash. We just made tea, I’ll bring some out.” Before he could protest, she left for the kitchen. 

He settled into one of the armchairs. When Cordelia returned, she took the one beside his and began to pour tea for each of them. “You two will work your way through this, you know. Whatever happens.” 

“How can you be so sure?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Are you joking? I don’t think I’ve ever met two people better matched. It’s as if you share the same soul or something.” 

He gritted his teeth. “Most would say we’re opposites.” 

“You act like opposites. Believe it or not, though, behaving grumpy or cheerful are not personality traits. In all the ways that matter, you’re two halves of one whole. It makes me utterly green with envy sometimes, seeing the two of you together, the way that you understand each other so completely. 

“I love James, of course, with my whole being. But if I’m being honest, for a long time I thought that the reason I liked him was because he reminded me of Father, all introverted and bookish and such. Now, I’m merely trying to decipher what was real and what was not, what parts of me are genuine and which ones are simply who I thought I needed to be to please him. James, too, is finding himself again after all that happened with Grace. Sometimes, it feels as though we’re two clueless children stumbling around with no sense of self, for some reason placed in this big house with adult responsibilities. It’s an utter mess sometimes, though every moment is worth it. 

“Yet you… somehow, despite everything, despite all of the odds stacked against you, despite so much pain and fear, you found yourself and your soulmate all in one person. It’s what you deserve, dâdash, what you both deserve. You will find a way.” 

He did not quite believe her, but he would not argue. 

“Are you going to be alright?” she asked, cocking her head. 

He nodded and then paused for a moment. “I don’t know how I’ll explain this to Mâmân.” Despite all the trouble it’s caused, she still did not know the truth about his time in school. 

“I could, if you’d like?” Cordelia offered. 

He sighed. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to keep the entire matter out of his own hands. He shook his head. “It’s time I did, I think.” 

She gave him a bit of a frown but nodded. “If you’re sure.” 

“I’m tired of lying. I spent enough time keeping secrets when Father was alive.” He stood from the chair. 

“I’m here if you need me.” 

He started up the staircase, mustering up a more positive expression as to not worry his mother too much before he could get the words out. He found her in her bedroom, resting in an armchair a few feet away from Rostam’s bassinet. He approached his baby brother first, giving him a small smile though he was fast asleep. It could have been his mind playing tricks on him, but he was certain Rostam was bigger than he’d been just a few days ago. 

“He just fell asleep,” his mother said softly. He turned to her. Her eyes looked tired, though no more tired than they had a few days earlier, and certainly no more tired than his own. “Come, azizam, what are you doing home? Did something happen?”

Alastair shook his head. “Thomas is awake; he’s alright.” 

“Why aren’t you with him?” she asked after a small stretch of silence. 

“He… He has amnesia. He doesn’t remember anything past last summer. It’s best if I keep my distance for a bit.” 

His mother gave him a small smile. “It’ll be okay, Alastair joon. He’ll understand given a bit of time.” 

Alastair didn’t look at her. “Maybe. I don’t know. He… he’s quite angry with me. The original circumstances under which he forgave me were fairly bizarre to begin with.” 

“Forgive you for what, dear? What could possibly be so terrible that he would not forgive you?” 

He sighed. He knew he could not avoid this conversation any longer. “I… It was something that happened at school.” He paused for a moment. “I know you think that I got on well with everyone at the Academy, but… That isn’t the truth. When I first arrived, all of the other boys could tell that I was an easy target. I was smaller than them, and… there were rumors. After a while, I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I… I was always quite good with words, as you know. I learned that using them to cut down others would get me a good laugh, and as long as the other boys were laughing they weren’t…” He trailed off. How was he meant to tell his mother this? “It took the attention off of me.” 

“By the time James and Thomas and their friends arrived the next year, I was so angry, at everyone and everything… I was so jealous of them. They had…” Picture perfect families, he wanted to say, though he could not. “They had these perfect lives, or at least they appeared that way to me. They never had to worry about attracting the wrong attention on the street or being humiliated because their families couldn’t afford to hire private tutors. They never had to worry about anything but growing up.” 

“Alastair…” his mother started. “I know we never discussed things of this nature. It’s alright that you were angry. They benefited from society in ways that rejected you merely by circumstances of birth. But that wasn’t their fault.” 

“I know. I know that now, now that I’m older. I know that my anger was misplaced. But when I was in school, society was too big. I only saw what was in front of me. I thought that if I must be cruel to someone, it should be to them. I said terrible, dreadful things about them and their families, things that should never be repeated. They did nothing to deserve the way I treated them. Thomas was kind to me, one of the only people who was ever kind to me in my two years there, and yet I still slandered his family. Last summer, he learned of the things I had said when he was not listening. That is what he remembers now.” 

There was a long stretch of silence. Alastair would not look his mother in the eyes. “I always knew that you had a hard time at school, Alastair,” she said finally. “Your lies were never too convincing. I could see how you’d changed. I… I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” 

He knew it, too. He knew how his parents had spoken about him in those years, lamenting about what a miserable and difficult teenager he’d grown into when he and his sister were not in the room. He also knew how his father only ever seemed to care about Alastair’s destructive behavior when his mother began to pester him about his drinking. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“The world was cruel to you, and I could not protect you from it, but I should have tried. You were a child, my child, I am your mother, and I was meant to protect you, but I did not. Not just from the world, but from… your father, I know. Be kind to yourself, azizam. Regardless of what cruel things you did while trying to balance the weight of the world on small shoulders, it seems to me that those you hurt have forgiven you. You simply have not forgiven yourself.” 

“Perhaps they shouldn’t have. Perhaps I never deserved their forgiveness in the first place.” 

Sona sighed. “Forgiveness is not deserved, Alastair. We forgive for our own wellbeing, so that we can let go and move on. If you will not fight for Thomas on your own behalf, fight on his. He deserves to forgive you, to heal from these wounds of the past. He deserves to be loved by you.” 

Alastair didn’t respond. 

“It pains me to see you like this. You deserve to forgive, too. You deserve to forgive yourself and all who have caused you pain. You deserve to be free of it. As long as you keep such a tight grip on it all, you will only continue to destroy yourself, and as long as you continue to destroy yourself, you will hurt those who love you as well. Please-” she cut herself off, her voice breaking. Her voice trembled as she began again, and he realized for a striking moment that he had never seen her this vulnerable before. He’d witnessed her pain after Elias’ death, and he’d caught glimpses of her sorrow before it, but she’d always kept her truest self tightly locked. “Please, my love, promise me that you’ll try. You can start with me.” 

He looked up at her abruptly, startled. He opened his mouth to protest, but before he could find the words, she’d stood and crossed the few feet between them. 

She took his hands in hers. Seeing the pain in her eyes, he wanted desperately to look away but he could not. “Please, forgive me. Forgive me for all of the ways that I’ve failed you. You were too young for the burdens I placed upon you. I never should have allowed you to take on that responsibility. Please, forgive me for all of the times I overlooked your pain because I was distracted by my own. I am so sorry, Alastair, for each and every time I hurt you and dismissed you. I did the best with what I had, but if I could go back in time and teach myself to be a little stronger, a little braver, to be a better mother than I was, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. All I can do is promise to try to be a better mother, not just to your brother, but to you as well. If it’s not too late.” Careful tears streamed down her cheeks, rare as they were. 

He shook his head, feeling his own tears spill. He fell into her embrace, holding her tightly, as he had not done since he was a small child. “I forgive you,” he said softly, and he meant it. 

They stood for a long while, holding each other, taking comfort in each other and the silence. Until Rostam began to cry. They pulled away from each other awkwardly. 

“I should… get some rest,” Alastair said, trying to pull himself together. He realized suddenly that he had no idea what time it was or when he’d last slept or eaten. 

Sona nodded. “Of course. I love you, Alastair. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. I’m sorry that you and Thomas are struggling right now, but I know that you two are strong and resilient. With a bit of time and healing, this will pass.” 

He nodded, unable to respond without breaking down again. 

He returned to his bedroom to the sound of his mother soothing his newborn brother. Shutting his door behind him, he felt the exhaustion of the past several days settled deep into his bones. With heavy movements, he changed into clean clothes, leaving the old ones in a heap on the floor. Typically, he would be horrified at the thought of anything in his room so out of place, but he could not find the energy within himself to care.

He collapsed into his bed, drifting into a deep, dreamless sleep, repeating his mothers words back to himself in his mind. If only forgiving himself would come as easily as forgiving her. 

* * *

The next two days passed as a blur. He’d slept heavily the first night. Cordelia had reportedly attempted to wake him for dinner, but settled on bringing a bit of food to his bedroom instead. 

The next day passed a bit more normally, though Alastair still felt quite scattered. He’d appeared well-enough put together, however, for Cordelia to feel comfortable going home, so he supposed that was a good sign. Kamala had come for a visit, too, though he wasn’t much in the mood for talking, and they wound up just giving Rostam a bath and discussing Kamala’s latest read. 

The day after that had slowly begun to feel more normal, more balanced. Until Gideon Lightwood arrived at his door. 

Alastair stared at him for a moment before regaining his composure. He began to call him Mr. Lightwood before stopping himself. It still felt a bit odd to call him by his given name. “Gideon, hello. What are you doing here? Did something happen?” 

“No, no,” he said quickly. “Everything’s fine. Thomas is doing well; he’s feeling much better, though no significant improvements to his memory.” 

Alastair nodded. “That’s good. That he’s feeling better, I mean.” 

“I came here to check on you, actually.” 

“Oh.” He paused. “You didn’t need to do that.” 

“I wanted to. Well, we all did, Sophie, Eugenia, and I, but I was the most persuasive.” He smiled as he spoke, as if smug at the accomplishment of being delegated the one to come visit him. 

“Right, er, come in,” he gestured for Gideon to enter and take a seat in the sitting room. “You’re in luck; my mother just made tea if you’d like some.” 

He nodded. “That sounds wonderful. Thank you.” 

Alastair returned a few moments later and began pouring tea. “It was very kind of you to come, but I’m truly alright. Just worried about Thomas is all.” 

Gideon nodded. “Of course. As I said, he’s doing well, or as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I know it is difficult for him, feeling so disconnected. Regardless of the brave face he puts on. It’s frustrating for him, as if we’ve all got some sort of inside joke that he isn’t in on.” 

He could imagine it: the quick glances, the brief answers to Thomas’ many questions. He was certain it was driving him mad. “I wish there was something I could do to help.” 

Gideon gave him a small smile. “Because he’s feeling better, his friends are coming by today to attempt to fill him in on the time that he’s missing. I’m certain there will be gaps, though. Perhaps afterwards he will be more open to speaking with you.” 

Alastair didn’t know how to tell him that he wasn’t so sure Thomas’ friends would be singing his praises. 

“You should stop by the Institute tomorrow if you’re free,” Gideon offered. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” 

“It’s up to Thomas, of course, if he would like to see you, but if nothing else I know that Sophie and Eugenia would love for you to come by.” 

Alastair didn’t respond for a long moment. He’d spent these past couple of days mainly sleeping and caring for his brother, but also ruminating over his conversation with his mother. He began to make a mental list, both of the things he felt he had not forgiven himself for and the things he had not forgiven others for. Before he knew it, the list was distressingly lengthy. He had no idea where to even begin. Perhaps if he could put this one mistake behind him, whatever that meant, the rest would seem less overwhelming. 

He knew that he would never forgive himself for how he hurt Thomas’ family as long as the terrible things he’d done went unspoken. Perhaps that was why he never brought it up. “Did Thomas ever tell you why he was angry with me?” 

Gideon narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “Something that happened back at school, wasn’t it?” 

Alastair nodded. He memorized the way Gideon looked at him now, prepared to only be looked upon with hatred in a few moments. He exhaled and looked down, too cowardly to watch the expression change. “I said things… horrible things about your family. About your wife and about Thomas and about Henry Fairchild, but mainly about you, the Consul, and Matthew. There were rumours going around that he was your child, and I repeated them to him. I repeated them after, too. I have reasons for the way I behaved at school, but I have no reasons for that. I was simply angry. Matthew and I were both terrible to each other, and I was so angry for so many reasons. I did not think of the consequences of my words. I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry for the role I played in causing your family such pain.” 

“It’s okay,” Gideon replied gently. Alastair looked up in surprise to see not a hint of the hatred he was expecting. Seeing the confused look on his face, he continued. “Obviously, I’m not happy that you said cruel things about my loved ones, but it was a long time ago, and I would be a hypocrite to not recognize a man who regrets his mistakes and has learned from them. You make my son happy, Alastair. That more than makes up for anything you might’ve said when you were younger, in my eyes.” He flashed him a smile and gave an exaggerated sigh. “Here I was, worried that you’d killed someone or something.” 

“Well, I’ve also done that, but it’s not what Thomas is angry about.” 

Gideon stared at him, clearly unsure over whether or not he was serious. 

“Joking,” he said quickly. “...kind of.” 

He looked back at him hesitantly. “Do you… want to talk about it?” 

“Ha, no. Not today.” His guilt surrounding the deaths of Clive Cartwright and his father would need to be addressed another time. 

“Right,” Gideon responded. “Thank you for telling me this, Alastair. I appreciate your honesty. I only have one question, why did you not say anything about this before? It was clearly bothering you. Did you fear we would reject you?” 

“I…” That seemed like the logical answer, wasn’t it? Yet he knew it was not the correct one. “I think that perhaps it was the opposite. I was just so ashamed… and I knew that as long as I held on to that, I would never allow myself to truly get too close. I know how horrible that sounds, and I know it hurt Thomas, too, but for some reason that,” he gestured vaguely with his hands, “was scarier than anything else. I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make sense-” 

“It does. I understand, Alastair, even if I don’t like that you felt you had to do that. I know the past couple of months have been complicated for you, though in many ways less complicated than the years before. It will always be your choice, but know that there will always be a place for you in my life, whether you and Thomas are together or not. But I will not ever blame you for anything you feel you are not able to do.”

Alastair nodded, feeling a soreness at the back of this throat that indicated impending tears. 

“You should stop by tomorrow and visit us. It’s up to you, but I think that it would be helpful for you to speak with Sophie, too. I will not repeat anything to her, lest you decide not to. I do think it would be somewhat of a relief, though. We thought that the reason you were so distant was because you disliked us.” 

“What?” He silently cursed the pain in his voice. 

“Joking,” Gideon teased with a chuckle. “Kind of.” 

Alastair exhaled, feeling a bit of the tension release, and gave him half of an eye roll. 

“Please, tell me honestly, Alastair, are you doing alright?” 

He nodded in response, finally feeling it to be true. 

“I shall take my leave then. The tea was truly lovely, by the way. You must pass my thanks unto your mother.” 

“I will.” 

“See you tomorrow, then?” 

“Tomorrow,” Alastair responded before he could stop himself. He stood to see him out, but was surprised when Gideon met him with a hug goodbye. 

“Thank you for chatting with me.” 

“Thank you for… checking in.” 

Gideon smiled at him and donned his coat and hat. Alastair watched him as he departed, feeling more at peace now than he had in quite a while.

thanks so much for reading! taglist (reply, ask, or message to be added/removed): @stxr-thxif @satanisanauthor @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @kamalajcshi @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid

[pair-annoyed]

Anime I Watched This Fall

My first semester of college is officially over and the December holidays are upon us! I hoped to make one of these posts sooner, but I have been incredibly busy with schoolwork. Now that things have slowed down, let’s take sometime to reflect on things I’ve watched. 

These anime are listed in chronological order and encompass everything I’ve watched from 9/1/2020 - 12/15/2020

Like always, they will be rated on a 1-10 scale; 1 meaning complete garbage, 10 meaning masterpiece. I will offer my thoughts on what I did/didn’t like about each show!

1. The God of High School - 6/10 

Despite the stellar animation from MAPPA and my high expectations, I was really disappointed by how this series was treated. Most of the story’s crucial elements were handled poorly. I finished this series feeling more confused about the plot than when I first began. The power system is really cool, but poorly explained. More time should have been spent on exposition and world building for this series, instead the fights were given the most screen time. 

2.  Doukyuusei - 7/10 

I really liked the style of Doukyuusei. Granted, this was another movie I chose to watch primarily because of the hype surrounding it. The dynamic between Kusakabe and Sajou is an interesting one, and I also enjoy how the movies different acts were separated by the seasons. However, there's nothing that really sets Doukyuusei apart from other romance movies, its a little generic. Still, I enjoyed it nonetheless. 

3.  Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu 2nd Season - 8/10 

My opinions on Re:Zero’s second season are biased. This was, by far, the sequel I was most hyped for during the summer/fall anime season. I was so happy to see the story’s continuation and I’m looking forward to the season’s second part coming sometime in January. Re:Zero is one of my all time favorite series because of the way it handles it characters and power dynamics. I also really enjoy the show’s psychological aspects. If you haven’t already, give Re:Zero a try! 

4. Saint☆Oniisan (Movie + OVA) - 8/10

This was a wonderful comedy. I wasn’t sure how the subject of Jesus and Buddha living together would be tackled, but it was handled wonderfully. I was laughing for pretty much the entire movie. I love the art style and little references to both Buddhism and Christianity, plus the incorporation of Japanese culture. Saint Oniisan is a bright comedy, with two eccentric main characters. If you like a show that doesn’t take itself too seriously, and need a good laugh, I can’t recommend this more.

5. Clannad: After Story - 10/10 

Never, while watching anime, did I cry as much as I did while watching Clannad: After Story. I didn’t realize how much I related to Okazaki until I saw him grow up in After Story. I was left sobbing, especially after episode 18. I still, to this day, cannot listen to the Dango song without tearing up. The original Clannad is nothing special, but the continuation of its story its something heartfelt, emotional, and down-to-earth. I love Kyoto Animation with all my heart, and Clannad made me appreciate everything the studio has done just a little bit more. Thank you Clannad, for reminding me about the kind of person I strive to be. 

6. Nakitai Watashi wa Neko wo Kaburu - 5.5/10

The art in A Whisker Away was beautiful. The story itself, however, is nothing too enjoyable. I found it difficult to like our protagonist or her love interest. Nothing about this movie is inherently memorable. The emotional climax came far too early which made the second half of the film seem long and drawn out.  All in all, the movie has a wonderful concept, I just believe it could have been so much more emotional than it was. When I watch a move, I like to empathize with the characters. It’s difficult to do when the characters aren’t given the proper exposition to be empathized with. 

7.  Shikioriori - 6/10

This is less of a movie and more of a collection of short stories. Flavors of Youth is something you shouldn’t watch on an empty stomach, all of the food looks incredible. The same cannot beside for the rest of this feature. The stories themselves seems heavily clichéd. Much like A Whisker Away, the initial premise is intriguing, but the execution results in something that comes across as trying too hard and carries no emotional weight with the viewer. If you plan on watching, pay more attention to the artwork and animation than the actual plot. You won’t be missing anything. 

8. Vinland Saga - 7/10

Vinland Saga helped me get out of the rut that Clannad: After Story. Not only does this show have a great story, its action packed with lots of interesting fights. I especially enjoyed all the Nordic history embedded within the show. Its really unlike any of the other historical anime I’ve watched. I will say, it’s gory. But, compared to all the other things I watched this time around, I finished this series the quickest. Its good, its graphic, its fast paced! 

9.  Mononoke Hime - 7/10

It’s ironic considering how much anime I’ve watched that I have yet to watch all of the most classic Studio Ghibli films. Princess Mononoke is grittier than most other Ghibli films I’ve seen, but it’s message is positive and its characters are wonderful. I can’t really speak ill towards classics like these. I guess maybe my one complaint is that this movie could’ve been a faster pace. Other than that... I really enjoyed everything Princess Mononoke offered! I understand why it’s so popular.  

10. Howl no Ugoku Shiro - 8.5/10 

Can you believe it took me this long to finally watch Howl’s Moving Castle? Me neither!! This movie is so endearingly beautiful. I loved every second of it, from the characters to the soundtrack. So many iconic things come from just this one movie. I would like to take this time to thank my best friend for reminding me that Studio Ghibli films are wonderful! Thank you for watching this with me, I loved it! All in all, I regret not watching this sooner! 

11. Toradora! - 6.5/10 

Toradora took me a while to finish, just because I lost interest about halfway through. But, I powered through it, and ended up really enjoying the show! I’m not the biggest fan of the ending, but that’s just a personal preference. Somehow, this show also made me cry? I’m not entirely sure why because Toradora! is probably the thing farthest from sad. Apart from the show’s dull slice of life moments, it was super cute! A much needed light-hearted romance. 

12. New Initial D Movie: Legend 1 - 5/10 

Full disclosure, this is the only thing related to Initial D that I’ve ever watched. My band and I watched this expecting to hear some of that iconic Initial D music, itself all we got was a mildly confusing story about different types of cars. It was cliché and frankly a little boring. Although, I am still considering watching the original Initial D just so I can hear the music in the way it was original intended. I’ve got no other opinions on this movie. It’s best not to watch these movies without the context from the rest of the franchise.  

13.  Uchuu Patrol Luluco - 7.5/10

I didn’t really understand why people enjoy studio Trigger so much until I watched Space Patrol Luluco. I loved all the fun references to other studio Trigger works. I loved the humor, and I loved all the bright colors. The animation was extremely high energy, and the art style fits the show’s premise. Each episode was only 12 minutes long so it was a super quick binge. If you’re looking for something quick, light-hearted and comical, this is the perfect show to watch.

14. Orange - 7/10 

I owe a big thanks to a tumblr mutual for recommending this show to me! This holds the honor of making me cry by episode 3! I honestly did not expect the subject matter of this show to be as dark as it was. Usually when I see the genre ‘shoujo’ I do not associate it with a love story like that of Orange. The heavy subject matter made it a little too close to home for me, but I still really enjoyed this series. It reminds me off all the good times I had with my friends in high school, and of all the regrets I carry with myself to this day. 

15. 3-gatsu no Lion - 7.5/10 

March Comes in Like a Lion is another show that was a bit of a slow burn for me. Each episode left me feeling emotionally drained, so I had to take a lot of breaks while I was working on watching this series. Shaft, the studio behind this anime, holds a special place in my heart because I loved their work on the Monogatari Series. March Comes in Like a Lion is a little different. It’s driving force it is characters, and it was cathartic to watch our main character transform through the entire duration of the first season. I know the show’s second season is much better, so I’ll be starting that soon! 

16. Yojouhan Shinwa Taikei - 8/10 

I loved how artsy and smart The Tatami Galaxy is, but honestly I couldn’t watch too much at once cause it would hurt my head. I also couldn’t watch this show while I was tired because the speaking rate is much faster than typical anime. The Tatami Galaxy is so unique for its medium. I loved the different time loops and the crazy animation. The characters were fascinating. The dialogue, although very fast, it also fantastic. There’s an element of humor to this unique story telling, and I enjoyed ever minute of it! 

Currently Watching:

Hunter x Hunter - 6.5/10 (As of Episode 30)

I pride myself in having watched a lot of shounen anime, but I was reluctant to start Hunter x Hunter for years because I thought I would find it boring. I was oh so very wrong. Considering great shows like Naruto and Fairy Tail that fall under the same category, I expected Hunter x Hunter to be subpar in comparison. It gets a low score for two reasons. One, the power system was introduced a little too late and now I’m wondering if all the fights post episode 30 will involved nen in some way, shape, or form. Two, its still on hiatus. 

Two Cursed Additions For This List

Please to do not let these be representative of my anime taste. 

1.  Yarichin☆B*tch-bu - 4/10

I am a CLOWN for not knowing this was 18+. The only reason I watched this was to see why everyone was talking about the pink-haired boy with the glasses and tongue piecing. I know why now, and I regret it. This was a massive mistake on my part. But hey, at the least the art and ending song kinda slap? 

2. Euphoria (Dropped After 1 Episode) - 2/10

If you know what I’m talking about when I say Euphoria, I am so sorry. And no, I am not talking about the HBO series. Seriously, don’t google this. Don’t watch this. Don’t interact with anything related to this. You’re probably wondering, “Then why did you watch it?” I did not watch this willingly. You see, I have a very bad habit of starting anime and then taking months to finish them. I made an ultimatum with a friend, lost, and then was forced to watch this a punishment. Not a fun experience. I’m very glad there are no GIFs of this on tumblr...

[alwayspondering]

Promenade and Photographs

V x MC (Nala) | MysMe RBB

Hi! I had the pleasure of collaborating on this amazing project for @mysme-rbb with Mochi! The art that they created for my fic is spectacular! Check out Mochi’s Instagram HERE! ^^

Jihyun took in a breath of crisp fall air, the smell of fresh flowers misted over by rain enveloping him. Sunflowers. Lilac. Violets. This moment seemed too good to be true. Far too good, too pure, too lovely. Too full of light – of hope.

He couldn’t imagine a more picturesque moment. Walking the path to the nearby park with his beloved, he laced his hand seamlessly with Nala’s. Jihyun purposefully slowed his brisk pace to a leisurely stroll. If there was a way to freeze time, this would have been the perfect moment.

A momentary pause in both of their chaotic lives.

Nala was so grateful for the moment alone with Jihyun. Though they had been dating for quite some time, she wanted to spend each and every second she could with him. Being with him made her feel so comforted - so cherished. He was truly a rock she could lean on even in the worst of times and vice versa.

Nala couldn’t help but smile as she recalled the first time she met Jihyun - though then, she knew him as simply “V.” She had worked with Zen in a few theatre productions, met the RFA a few months later, and found herself falling for the tall, kind-hearted, soft-spoken photographer.

It took quite a while for both to come to terms with their feelings for one another: a slow burn, to say the least. But that’s what made the trust they shared in their relationship so unshakable.

“This is so beautiful, Jihyun.” Nala mused, nuzzling in closer to Jihyun’s side as they continued their walk to the park. “I’m surprised we’ve never visited before.”

The path in front of them was sprouting with all sorts of colors - red, blue, green, yellow.

Everything seemed brighter than normal, like a filter resembling a dream world.

A soft blush colored Jihyun’s cheeks as he squeezed Nala’s hand playfully.

“...I was hoping you’d like it. It’s been quite some time since I’ve been on this path. But aren’t the flowers here gorgeous?” His gaze scanned the nearby flowers, grateful they were still as vibrant as he remembered. With the eye damage he had suffered, he was lucky to have Nala to help him through the treatment process. He wondered what would be different if he hadn’t denied help at first - but he knew there was no room for regret.

Nala smiled to herself, returning the playful squeeze to the strong hang laced with her own.

“They really are. I can definitely see the appeal.” She commented with a soft laugh, recalling some of Jihyun’s past photo exhibits.

Most of Jihyun’s photos were of flowers - Lilies, roses, chrysanthemums. She considered herself immensely lucky to be with someone who has such an eye for beauty.

“...By the way, thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it.”

“No need to thank me. It’s my pleasure, love.” Jihyun’s voice rang in the deep, comforting timbre Nala adored. How had she gotten so lucky? She could hardly still believe that Jihyun was hers.

“It is my job, after all. You’re doing me a favor more than anything,” he continued, adjusting the lens of the camera that dangled in its case across his shoulder.

“I just can’t believe I’m making you take pictures for your job... On our date!” Nala joked light-heartedly, feeling giddy at the prospect of what the date would entail.

When it came to taking pictures, Nala oftentimes felt she was the farthest from photogenic. Everytime Jihyun took pictures of her, though, she felt and looked so powerful, feminine, and so entirely herself. He had a wonderful way of bringing out the best qualities of people in his photos.

“Hm... Would you believe me if I said that you are my absolute favorite person to photograph? How could that possibly be a nuisance to me?” Jihyun mused, stroking Nala’s hand with his thumb.

“I believe you.” Nala stood on her tip-toes to plant a gentle kiss on Jihyun’s cheek. The end of the path was nearing.

“Hey... before you start taking the professional ones, could we get one with just the two of us?” Nala considered, happy to see her words were followed by a smile from Jihyun.

“Of course.” Without a second of hesitation, he took his camera out of the case, holding it out to Nala. “I’ll let you do the honors.”

“Perfect!” Nala exclaimed, giddy that they would finally have an updated picture together. Especially with such beautiful scenery in the background.

Taking the camera, Nala extended her arm straight in front of her, angling the camera up so that both her and Jihyun fit in the frame. It was more difficult than she imagined - especially considering how tall Jihyun was in comparison. More than anything, Nala appreciated that Jihyun had trusted her with his camera like this.

She felt Jihyun’s hand rest on the small of her back - a gesture he knew Nala adored. Nala wondered if the blush that so obviously was coloring her cheeks would be seen in the photo. “Okay. On the count of three. One, two, three-”

As the word ‘three’ left Nala’s lips, Jihyun pulled Nala in close to his side - surprising her just enough for her smile to blossom as soon as the camera clicked.

• • •

A few minutes of walking later, the couple found themselves at the atmospheric park.

While he was with Rika, there were so many times Jihyun felt he needed to escape. To find a moment alone with his own thoughts. This was the place he often found solitude - true serenity.

He was grateful to finally be bringing the most important person in his life here - someone who brought him so much hope. This was a place he felt so at home.

“...Hm. There are weeds growing near these clovers. Let me just fix that real quick…” Nala bent down and plucked as many weeds as she could find. He loved how Nala so adorably demonstrated her passion for gardening.

Jihyun kept his fingers laced with Nala’s all the way until they approached the brick wall he designated for the headshot session.

The varied shades of red, browns, and burgundy would make for a perfect background. It would bring out the very subtle red highlights in Nala’s hair - the hints of blonde - her adorable freckles.

Jihyun ran through the monologue in his head he ran through with his clients, wondering how much he should keep the same or alter for his girlfriend.

He was delighted Nala was wearing her light pink cardigan; it emphasized her vibrant blue eyes even more than usual. The cut of the shirt emphasized her collarbones too - god, she is beautiful…

His mind began to wander - he began to visualize a little more than intended.

No. It’s time to be professional.

As Nala stood against the brick wall, it was obvious she was a natural when it came to posing. Zen had taught her well.

“All right, Nala. Can you give me a soft smile?” Jihyun instructed. The smile he adored so much appeared on her rose-tinted lips. Was she wearing the new lipstick he had bought her?

Click. Click.

“Great. Can you place your hands in your back pocket and roll your shoulder back slightly?” This also emphasized Nala’s bust ever so slightly. He tried not to let his mind wander any further than that.

Click. Click.

“Now give me some side eye…” At his words, her expression shone with a new color of sensuality. It was perfect for the camera. “...Good. Keep that!”

Click, click. Click, click.

“Wow. You are just breathtaking...” Jihyun took a moment to look through the pictures. Of course, she was stunning in every single one. He was right about the colors in the brick wall complimenting Nala well.

“...Okay. Hear me out. Look down, think of a secret, and look back up at me.”

“...A secret?” Nala raised an eyebrow at this. “I’m not sure I have many of those.”

“Oh, sure you don’t.” Jihyun teased playfully, adjusting the lens once more. A peal of laughter escaped the brunette’s lips.

Click.

Another beautiful, organic moment captured on camera.

“Okay, fine.” Nala pouted teasingly. Her gaze flickered to the grass beneath her feet. She took a moment to ponder.

And then, her gaze snapped up again. It rendered him speechless.

Click. Click.

Mesmerized, Jihyun took a few slow steps toward Nala. “...Tilt your head, just slightly to the right.” His own head tilted, wondering if just a minuscule angle change would define her jawline more.

“Do you mind if I adjust you, just a little?”

“Of course.” Her voice cooed.

Jihyun’s finger ever-so-delicately tilted Nala’s chin to the right and down towards the front angle.

There was little space between them now. The body he had memorized every inch of was just mere centimeters away.

The tension was palpable.

Without another word, Jihyun kissed Nala, both sinking effortlessly into the euphoria of the moment. Pulling away for just a moment, he waited for a sign from her to continue.

Nala pulled Jihyun in closer, pressing her lips against his. Her hand trailed from the nape of his neck into his teal-colored hair.

There was no denying they were all but pressed up against the brick wall now.

The kiss deepened - their breaths quickened - cheeks inflamed.

The reality of the public setting hit the two quickly. Laughs and explicit whispers were shared under hushed, giddy breath.

“...Would you like to finish this session somewhere a little more private, my love?”

[chaoticpuff17]

Something Wicked

part 7

masterlist

Warnings: abuse, yandere behavior 

alright my darlings, not my best work, but here’s part 7! I might edit it later! Love you all! and a reminder that if you or a loved one is in an abusive relationship. Please call the emergency hotlines! 

Y/N had never been more terrified in her life. Jin kept her safely tucked away in the penthouse, and much to her horror, he never left. When she’d asked about it, as casually as she could as she found her defiance towards the situation only angered him, he’d smiled and told her that he had taken a leave of absence to spend with her before kissing her forehead and asking what she wanted for lunch.

In the several days she had been trapped there, he hadn’t left her side once. Any time she tried to refuse his attention, he got upset. Every hour spent with him showed her just how far gone her boss truly was. Every morning he would set out her clothes for her. He cooked for her. He didn’t leave her side for even a moment. It was as though he thought smothering her would affect her perception of him and of the situation he had placed them both in.

“Darling,” He cooed coming up behind her where she had been sitting stiffly in one of the chairs in the living room reading and trying desperately to ignore his gaze on her. “You’ve been so quiet today. Are you feeling alright?” He asked resting his chin on her shoulder.

“I’m fine.” She murmured trying to suppress her shudder. He didn’t like it when she flinched. The bruise situated on her temple was evidence enough of that.

He hummed noncommittally before moving around her chair and lifting her up before settling her back down in his lap nuzzling into her neck enjoying her warmth and the feel of her in his arms. “I don’t like it when you’re this quiet.” He murmured against her neck. “I’d hate to think you were ignoring me, darling.”

She couldn’t help how she stiffened at those words. Jin had a temper, worse than she had ever realized. She had never thought that Jin was a violent man, but she hadn’t thought a lot of things about Jin until just a few days ago.

“Of course not.” She whispered forcing herself to relax into his hold despite the fact she wanted nothing more than to rip herself out of his hold and run to the farthest reaches of the earth to be away from him.

“Of course not.” He repeated smiling into her neck placing a kiss there. “My sweet darling.” His arms tightened around her possessively. “What are you reading, my love?”

“The Yellow Wallpaper.” She informed him eyes fixed on the cover of the book ignoring the frown that marred his features.

“That’s not a pleasant book, my darling. I don’t want you reading things like this.” He plucked the book from her grasp flinging it over on to the couch.

Of course he wouldn’t want her reading it. It was depicted a woman locked away by her husband to slowly go mad with only the peeling yellow wallpaper to keep her company. Granted her prison was much nicer than the room the poor lady in the book was locked away in, but it was a prison none the less. She had to wonder though why Jin had the book at all when he was so against her reading it.  He was meticulous enough to make sure everything in his home was “appropriate” for her. It was hard to think that this book had escaped his notice.

“There are far more pleasant books to read. Wouldn’t you rather read something more pleasant?” He coaxed nuzzling into her again. “I have such a wonderful selection of books in the solar.”

“Of course.” She agreed keeping herself calm despite how her heart was pounding against her chest. “I’ll run up and grab something different.” She offered with a strained smile as she began to extricate herself from Jin’s lap only to be pulled back.

“Leaving so soon, darling?” He purred into her ear grip tightening around her as he trailed his nose up her neck to place a kiss just below her ear.

“I was going to get a different book.” She murmured her voice trembling slightly as she forced the panic down.

Jin had slowly been becoming more and more touchy as the days went by. He always wanted to be in contact with her. He was always looking for an opportunity to brush his hand against the small of her back or the curve of her hip. He’d been placing kisses against her neck, her cheeks, her forehead. He had tried for her lips as well, but so far she had always been quick enough to turn her head before he could. She knew very well what he was leading up to. She wasn’t naïve despite how Jin treated her. She was trying her best to keep him at bay, but there was only so much she could do against him, and she was running out of time. Jin would only put up with her evasions for so long. He was not a patient man.

He hummed noncommittally his thumb rubbing circles into her hip as he kept her anchored against him. “I think I prefer you staying here with me.”

She took a deep breath to steady herself as she prepared to coddle him. She found that coddling him as she did at the office was the best way to deal with him, and she was nothing if not a master at coddling Kim Seokjin. She did her best to keep him at a distance, but just as she was a master of coddling Jin, Jin was a master of derailing her plans. He was excellent at getting under her skin, of finding new ways to force her just where he wanted her. It was always a gamble on whether or not she would be successful in redirecting him. At the office, Jin had to behave. Here, there were no such restrictions on his behavior.

“Jin,” She began making her tone as sweet and syrupy as she could. He preferred it when she was sweet. “I’m sure the office is missing you. Maybe you should check in, and I’ll grab a new book, something more pleasant. We can have tea afterwards.” She offered as sweetly as she could. He didn’t need to know that she would slip poison in his tea if given the chance.  

He frowned at her tightening his hold on her hip. “Darling,” He purred his tone sweet, seductive, but his eyes were dark and cold. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

She froze, her hands beginning to shake. “Of course not, Jin.”

His grip tightened further becoming painful. She was sure he was going to leave a bruise, just one more to add to the growing collection littering her body.

His sigh was filled with disappointment as he began to tutt at her. “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N. Why do you insist on lying to me, darling?”

She couldn’t help the whimper that escaped her. “Jin.” She pleaded trying to wiggle her way out of his grasp, but he held her still.

“Haven’t I been good to you, darling?” He turned her chin to look at him enjoying the way she trembled under his gaze. “Why must you continue to be difficult?”  

“Jin,” She whimpered again trying very hard to remain calm.

“I’ve been patient, darling. I thought a little time would help you adjust, but you continue to defy me. I didn’t want to do this.” He sighed again. “I really didn’t.”

“Jin, please.” She pleaded trying to push his hand away from her face. “Please.”

He nudged her up keeping a firm hand on her so she couldn’t escape. “You just don’t learn, darling.”

“Jin.”

“No, darling.” He purred standing and pulling her up with him. “You had your chance.”

She choked back a sob as Jin dragged her upstairs to their bedroom. She struggled against him the whole way trying to pull herself free, to fun. She couldn’t get out. She knew that, but maybe she could hide. It was a foolish plan really. Hiding would only serve to anger Jin more, but she wasn’t thinking logically. She was thinking of self-preservation.

It wasn’t hard for Jin to man handle her. He was stronger than her, and he had the stubborn belief that he was doing this for her own good on his side. Everything he did, he did for her, for them. He wanted a life with her, but she seemed determined to be a brat, to ruin all of his carefully laid plans. But if she was going to act like a brat, Jin was going to treat her like one.

“Now, darling.” He growled pinning her down to the bed as he began to strip her. “Don’t fight me. You’ll only make this worse for yourself.”

He soon had her down to only her panties as he sat on top of her stomach. He grinned in triumph as he pinned her hands above her head. Now that he had her where he wanted her, Jin wasted no time in tying her up. He wanted her still and vulnerable before him, and Jin always got what he wanted. He had hoped to use the silk ties under more pleasurable circumstances, but she needed a lesson.

“Now, be a good girl for me, darling.” He cooed placing a kiss to the valley between her breasts before he left her on the bed.

When he returned it was with a wicked looking whip in his hands. Jin was nothing if not extravagant in anything that he did. This was no exception. The crop itself was made out of a sleek dark wood ending in a polished silver handle. But the other end held a short but thick braided leather rope that looked as though it was made to inflict pain. The entire thing had an antique feel to it, elegant, refined, and decidedly wicked looking.

He sighed looking down at her in disappointment as he rolled his shoulders. “This all could have been so much more pleasurable if you’d only listened to me, darling. Ah well. Another time.”  

“Jin,” She called out her voice warbling as she pleaded with him not to do this.

“Shhhhh, darling. Take your punishment like the good girl I know you are.”

“Jin, please. I’m sorry!” She shrieked as he brought the crop down against her breasts with cruel force.

“I know you are, darling, but things that are hard to bear are sweet to remember.” He brought the crop down again leaving a red welt against the soft skin of her belly. “I’m doing this for you own, good darling.”  Another hit, this time to the flesh of her upper thigh leaving behind another angry red welt in its wake.

Each hit fell swift and harsh against her skin littering her with a constellation of red marks. Some were even beginning to turn sickly shades of purple. When he had deemed her front covered enough, he flipped her over to continue this treatment on her other side. By this time she was sobbing from the pain. Any pleas she attempted to make were lost in tears and shrieks of pain.

To her, it seemed to go on for hours. The hits were endless, and they never seemed to lessen in strength. Each blow was almost worse than the last. Some blows were decidedly worse than others. She always knew when the wip had hit a spot it had marked before.

By the time it was over, she was nothing but a shivering, sniveling mess, but to Jin, she looked beautiful. Some of the hits had broken skin leaving her bloody and bruised before him. He liked seeing her like this, sniveling and submissive before him, but Jin was not stupid. He knew her wounds had to be tended.

He left her tied there as she went to the en suite to collect some ointment and a wet rag to clean her up with. She whined at the contact, but there wasn’t much she could do to escape it. Even though her bonds were soft and silky, they were strong. She had pulled against them during the entirety of her beating, but they had never budged once.

“Hush, darling.” He purred dragging the rag against her skin cleaning up the blood that leaked from some of the welts. “It’s over now. You did so well. Such a good girl for me.”

She hated it. She hated him, but even though she hated him, she found comfort in the soft touches he used to clean up her battered body. After all, he was the only comfort she was going to get. There was no one else there to help her. No one else knew where she was. It was just the two of them in this hell.

Once he was finished cleaning her up and placing a soothing ointment on her injuries, Jin untied her and turned her over slipping her into an oversized hoodie of his. The piece of clothing nearly swallowed her whole, but it was soft and warm. More importantly, it was his. He found he enjoyed her in his clothing. He’d have to dress her in his shirts more often.

He settled on the bed next to her pulling her into his side so she was leaned against his chest. “Be a good girl for me, darling, and we’ll never have to do this again. I promise.” He stroked her hair smiling down at her blissfully. “I love you, my darling.”

If this was love, she didn’t want it.

part 8

[tallstars-rewrite]

Chapter 46

chapter list / previous / next

The Thunderpath was the last barrier between Talltail and home. It was dark, and there were no monsters in sight, but the steps across were the longest and most nerve wracking of his life. At last, with a nudge from Jake when he hesitated on the last tail-length of stone, his toes touched heather wet with dew from the late greenleaf rain. He stopped and breathed in, his jaws open to drink in the taste of the moor. The gorse, the bracken, the soil. Home. Relief and a sudden unexpected giddiness hit him all at once and Talltail found himself bounding forward, streaking across the grass as fast as he could just to remember what it felt like. He knew exactly where he was, coming down the farthest edge of Swift-Step Hills, the downward momentum letting him remember that feeling of flying. He remembered this trail, and the bramble patches and scattered stones he passed. After so long of unknown land, bewilderment, at last… He felt right. Whatever part of him had worried that maybe he would be too changed to ever feel as he once had so long ago was quickly swept up and blown away in an instant. He wanted to let out an excited yowl, and might have if he didn’t suddenly remember that he had no idea how a WindClan patrol would receive him if he accidentally barreled into one. In his mad dash, he’d also nearly forgotten that he needed to circle back so as to not leave Jake in the dirt. Jake was waiting with a fond gleam in his eyes as he trotted, a little more clumsy on the steeper slopes, down the hill after Talltail.

“I was worried you’d just take off entirely,” Jake said.

“Sorry. I just needed to...needed to...you know?” Jake headbutted his shoulder gently. “Yeah, I know.”

Talltail shook himself. He did need to get his head on straight. Tonight could go very badly, but he needed to allow himself that brief moment of joy before the intense fur prickling anxiety set back in. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping for. A patrol? That would surely be better than waltzing into camp, but...how much better would depend heavily on who was on the patrol.

What he wasn’t expecting was a lone cat scouting the moor with no other patrol in sight. Whatever he’d been hoping for...it certainly was not what he saw.

Talltail froze mid step as he was suddenly aware of a shocked pair of sharp yellow eyes meeting his from within the heath, before the cat they belonged to slowly rose up. Shrewclaw stood alone half way down the hill, staring up at Talltail and seemingly just as frozen to the spot. 

The stars clearly weren’t ready to forgive him just yet. 

Talltail wasn’t sure how he expected Shrewclaw to react. Shrewclaw, who out of every living cat in the clan, he would have been the most certain unabashedly hated him. A warning snarl perhaps, or a taunting ‘so you think you can come crawling back, huh?’

What he didn’t expect was the expression on Shrewclaw’s face to shift from stunned shock to something that might have resembled...relief. Seeing a positive emotion on Shrewclaw’s face was odd enough on the best of days, but now, Talltail didn’t know what to make of it. 

His old rival took several careful steps towards him. “Talltail? Is that...you?”

Talltail wasn’t sure how to reply, and then Shrewclaw was right in front of him.

“You’re alive,” Shrewclaw said stiffly. Talltail couldn’t make out what the tone of his voice meant. It was not quite aggressive, but not quite welcoming either. “We all thought...at least, most of us thought for sure you were dead, w-what--? Why--?”

“I, um,” Talltail stuttered. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how this must look to you, but I-I need to speak with the clan.”

To his further surprise, Shrewclaw stepped forward and touched his nose, hesitantly. Talltail realized with a start Shrewclaw had to lean up to do so. Have I really grown since I left? Or maybe he got shorter... 

Shrewclaw took an awkward step back. “I thought you might be a ghost, just...checking.”

“You thought what?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t believe you’re here again I'm--I’m sorry.”

“Y...you’re sorry?”

“Yeah, I mean-- It wasn’t fair--I didn’t mean anything I said--Well...no, maybe I meant some of it, but not the worst stuff, you know? I thought it was my fault. It’s been such a mess since you left, and I thought I’d never get to...just...I’m sorry, ok?”

Talltail just stared. What was he looking at? Who was this cat and what had they done with Shrewclaw? Where was the unstable angry tom who would sooner drop dead than apologize for anything? What else has changed while I was gone? 

Before he could ask Shrewclaw to elaborate, the tom perked up. “By StarClan! You need to get your stupid tail back to camp right now, everyone won’t believe it...Dawnstripe, and Woollycloud and--Ugh you have the worst possible timing, with everyone riled up about ShadowClan!”

“Weren’t we already riled up about ShadowClan?”

“Yes, but it got better for a bit, and then it got way way worse!” Shrewclaw growled. “And now you have the nerve to just pop back up!? We need to go, it’s not safe in this part of the territory without a full patrol right now.”

Talltail narrowed his eyes. “You’re out here without a full patrol?”

Shrewclaw glared. “Yeah, well, mind your own business.”

Well that sounded a bit more like the Shrewclaw he remembered.

Talltail looked over his shoulder at Jake, not far behind him, and gulped. This is what he got for not making a clear plan for this moment. “R-right, you’re right we should go, but I have uh. I have a... friend? He’s the reason I could come back, and I want him to stay with me.”

Shrewclaw looked behind him and his fur bristled a bit on sight at the orange kittypet, who gave him an awkward wave of the tail.

“Hello!” Jake called and promptly let out a huge sneeze when the grass he was hiding in went up his nose.

Shrewclaw blinked. “I… really don’t have time to argue with you about this. Whatever, fine, let's just go! I have to tell Briar.” 

Talltail looked back at Jake and nodded, though he couldn’t hide his uncertainty about this situation. But no matter what, there was no going back now. He was being brought right back into camp...and he would have a lot of explaining to do. Jake stayed close beside as they ran at a steady pace through the eastern fields, up towards Outlook Hill overlooking WindClan’s camp. Talltail’s heart thudded louder than ever in his ears with each step closer to home.

They hadn’t run long when he spotted Briarpaw, bounding across the heather toward them. Had they already been seen? Shrewclaw scooted by him and said “I’ll let everyone know,” and kept going. The nervous bird fluttering in Talltail’s chest was now having a full-blown panicked fit, but his eyes were brought back to Briarpaw’s too quickly to think as the medicine cat reached him and headbutted into Talltail’s chest so hard he was almost knocked backward. Talltail was stunned for a moment while Briarpaw pressed his muzzle against his chin.

“Talltail! Talltail, you came home! You’re ok!” 

Talltail, hesitantly at first, leaned into his old friend, and for a few moments just remained there remembering his familiar scent and gentle purr. 

“You're really home…” Briarpaw breathed.

 “Briarpaw I...I’m sorry I left so fast. I’ve missed you.”

There wasn’t a trace of anger on his face, he simply corrected. “Briarface.”

Talltail blinked in surprise “R-really? You already got your medicine cat name?”

Briarface ducked his head almost bashfully “I’ve had a lot of time to focus on honing my skills. It kept me busy. I only got it a quarter moon ago, actually.”

“That’s...great! Congratulations, really.” Talltail couldn’t help but feel the moment was bittersweet. Briarface had been so nervous about getting his name, afraid he wouldn’t get it at all at one point, unsure of his talent. I wanted to be there when he did… he thought sadly. He and Shrewclaw had planned a celebration for it once. It was one of the only things they agreed on. But then, that was before everything had gone so wrong. He shook the pangs of regret from his head. He couldn’t change what he’d done, he could only do better now. Briarface pressed his nose to Talltail’s.

“I’m glad you're here now,” he mewed, as if he knew Talltail’s worries. He probably did. Briarface’s golden eyes drifted past Talltail to rest on the bright ginger tabby sitting half crouched among the moor grass. Jake looked as if he couldn’t decide if he should hide, come forward, or simply wait, and was stuck in the middle of all three, awkwardly shuffling his paws as Talltail greeted his oldest friend. Talltail waved him forward with his tail and immediately Jake perked up at the invitation and trotted forward in the usually warm manner. He stopped short a tail length away and hastily dipped his head, clearly barely remembering the clan's custom greeting.

“Uh, ‘evening!” he mewed.

“You must be Jake?” Briarface purred. Talltail wondered briefly if he had told Briarface Jake’s name, but then, he had apparently seen Talltail with him moons ago when they were young. He felt a rush of relief at Briarface’s lack of suspicion. Jake surely still carried traces of twoleg scent, but Briarface didn’t recoil or comment on who this strange outsider Talltail traveled with was at all.

Talltail turned to Jake, “this is Briarface. He’s been a dear friend of mine since I was a kitten.” If only I had always treated him as such… he added silently.

Briarface dipped his head politely to the orange tom “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Jake lifted his head and blinked at the medicine cat. “You’re Briarface?” he mewed seeming in thought for a moment  “Huh...Well, you are pretty.”

Briarface blinked. “Uhm...Thank you?”

Talltail cleared his throat loudly. “Anyway...Jake is my close...friend. A lot more than that really--er. W-We’ve been through a lot together and...”

“Yes, I can tell. Well any friend of yours will be welcome, I’m sure.” Briarface purred with amusement. “I’m sure you’ve come a long way, but I'm afraid there isn’t much time for rest. Come on, let's not keep anyone waiting.”

Briarface seemed so confident about the idea. Even so, Talltail expected some kind of anger when he got back, after the way he left. The more he thought about it, the more deeply ashamed he was for it. If they were furious, they had a right to be. He heard loud voices from over the crest of the camp's border, and Talltail followed Briarface down achingly familiar paths, his paws falling so naturally into pawprints he’d walked for so long. Like he’d never left at all. But I did, he reminded himself And I have no idea what will happen now.

Then they were there, cresting the slope leading into camp and there was no more time left to worry. Within a heartbeat, Dawnstripe had tackled him to the ground even harder than Briarface had, with Woollycloud at her heels. He saw the familiar forms of the siblings Fallowspring, Ryewhisker and Fawnleap. Shrewclaw followed behind, and Talltail was surrounded. He could hardly think through their purrs and questions as everyone tried to touch noses with him at once, some a little too hard in their haste.

“You’re alive!” Woollycloud sobbed 

“Where have you been?” Dawnstripe cried, 

“Are you hurt?” Ryewhisker asked

“I-I’m sorry,” was all Talltail could choke out. “I’ll try to explain as...as best I can.” Where would he start? 

Fawnleap paused, his eyes narrowed slightly. “Hey...are you taller than me now?” he cried, almost sounding offended.

“What? I uh--? Don’t know?” Talltail stuttered. He couldn’t think of what else to say amidst all the chaos.

“You do look different. Your journey has changed you,” Briarface added with a glint in his eye.

“O shut up Fawnleap, you flea-brain,” Fallowspring said, “There are way more important matters here. Like who in StarClan is that?” She gestured over at Jake, who grinned sheepishly in return.

“He’s my er--companion, he helped me back home,” Talltail said quickly. He hardly knew what to do with himself or where to start. It was hard to imagine he’d gone so long alone, forgetting the feeling of having so many others around him. He didn’t realize how much he had missed the security, the feeling of surety of being surrounded with so many trusted cats. He wanted to answer everyone’s questions, they certainly had plenty, but his voice was failing him.

 Dawnstripe was pressing her forehead into his. “I’m extremely cross with you, Talltail,” she said, although she didn’t sound particularly cross. 

There really had been no way to know what he would find upon returning. He feared that he would be met with scorn, with the others turning their backs on him for his actions. And there certainly were a couple cats that looked genuinely cross, but... not necessarily hostile. Mostly, there were looks of amazement and relief--even joy. He could have toppled over in relief having that sudden fear swept away. Maybe they really did want him home as much as he wanted to be here.

“Everyone,” Talltail started, trying, and failing, to keep his voice from cracking. “I really wish could explain now, b-but I think I should speak to Heatherstar--”

“Yes, I think you should.” Heatherstar’s sharp commanding voice cutting through the crowd had everyone awkwardly shuffling back, parting for their leader as she strode towards Talltail with narrowed stormy eyes. Talltail dipped his head low at her approach.

“A convenient time for you to appear in our midst again,” Heatherstar said coldly. “You have very poor timing--or perhaps it’s lucky timing for you, considering we have no time to properly sort out what should be done about the desertion act you pulled.”

“You have every right to be angry with me Heatherstar,” Talltail began, still struggling to look her in the eye.

“I know I do. Your clan thought you were dead. I sent patrols out past the borders looking for you, only to find you’d simply left.” Then her voice softened, ever so slightly, to his surprise as she added, “but I am glad to see you are alive.”

Talltail stiffened as her eyes drifted behind him, surely resting on the strange orange kittypet sitting politely back a couple fox-lengths. Her face instantly hardened again, shifting her questioning glare back at Talltail. He cleared his throat and stumbled through the briefest, least awkward, explanation he could manage about meeting the kittypet, and how Jake helped him get home, and that he was very...important. She was still glaring when he finished, and Talltail felt flushing heat under his pelt while he went back to avoiding her gaze. 

Eventually she let out a very slow, very exasperated sigh. “Talltail, for StarClan’s sake...” Talltail winced at how transparent he was being. Someone in the crowd snickered. Heatherstar closed her eyes in frustration, seemingly talking half to herself. “You are making your case harder by the second. You had to bring an outsider home with you now of all times?”

“He’s not just--I wouldn’t have made it home at all without him. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I-I promise we were very careful to give ShadowClan territory a wide berth.” Talltail stuttered.

“I almost wonder if you’ve planned this out. I wouldn’t feel comfortable kicking you out now when there's a chance you could be seen by them, even if I wanted to. We do not need to be seen with a kittypet on our land after all the ridiculous accusations we’ve been faced with these past moons!”

“T-that wasn’t my intent--” Talltail started.

She swished her tail dismissively. “What was your intent then? You disappeared for nearly two moons. Why have you returned now?

“I came because I was worried. And I...I am ashamed of how I left. I want to make it up to you. If you will let me. I heard trouble was coming and I couldn’t stand to be away any longer.”

She gave a curt nod. “Yes, well, I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been peaceful. We've dealt with multiple border skirmishes and a lot of unpleasant arguments and gatherings. I can’t understand how all of this lying and turmoil is worth a small spot of land for ShadowClan.” 

“It's possible they aren't making up lies exactly,” Talltail said. “I think we’ve been set up. There’s a lot I learned that you might want to hear.”

After a long pause of consideration, Heatherstar waved the clan away. “You may speak to me privately. But your companion is going to remain under watch”

Talltail wanted to protest. Jake had never been in a place like this, surrounded by so many strange cats who were giving him sideways glances or wrinkling their noses at his collar. 

Luckily, Briarface quickly stepped forward and whispered to him, “I’ll look after Jake, don’t worry, he’ll be fine.”

Talltail gave one last look behind him before he followed Heatherstar, but Jake just blinked back at him with a small shrug before following Briarface away from the center of the staring crowd. Thank the stars Jake was so resilient.

Once in her den, Talltail told Heatherstar all he could of what he had found, that ShadowClan had discovered their abandoned tunneling project and saw it as a threat, and that since then a lone bunch of young ShadowClan cats had enlisted the help of a rogue through threats to purposely cause trouble between them. She seemed reluctant when he mentioned Sparrow, but something in his eyes must have convinced her he was not making wild accusations out of grief or anger this time.

“I spoke to Sparrow, and to ShadowClan’s medicine cat. Sparrow and the rest of his family are free from them now, and I doubt he intends to return to clan territory ever again. ShadowClan may intend to retaliate...soon, but only because they have been fed so much false information.”

He hesitated to say ShadowClan was possibly planning an attack on the new moon, two days from then. He desperately didn’t want Heatherstar to react by saying ‘then we must immediately launch an attack first’. There was a chance that Ratfang would succeed in talking her leader down from the idea. She wanted to prevent a battle, and she must have been desperate to put so much trust in a potential enemy. Talltail wanted to at least try making good on that trust. There could still be time.

Heatherstar furrowed her brow slightly. “I admit that would explain where the accusations came from. But even if what you say is true, that certain cats acting alone wanted to set our clans at each other...knowing that may not be enough to fix anything. I know at least one ShadowClan warrior has died from infected battle wounds as a result of these skirmishes, and the lot of them have been even more hostile since. Meanwhile, our clan has still been insulted and harassed on our border for moons, that is very real, and Brackenwing’s death is fresh in our minds. Even if these deaths were accidental casualties of battle, they happened all the same...Not to mention, if what you say is true, then ShadowClan was likely indirectly responsible for Sandstone’s death as well--and that particular invasion was under Cedarstar’s orders. Knowing that, you still want to see if we can resolve this?”

Talltail swallowed. “I do. If I thought retaliation would bring us peace, I would feel different. But I cannot in good conscience chase that drive for vengeance against them, especially when the cause will be playing into a treacherous cat's desires. You know this could spiral into an endless on and off war, and we are approaching the cold seasons. I just...I don’t want to lose anyone else. I will help defend us at all costs if we are left with no choice, but if we have a choice...”

Heatherstar regarded him quietly for a moment. “I would prefer to avoid seasons long hostilities as well. I will send a messenger and request a meeting, since there is reason to believe peace will not wait until the next gathering. But keep in mind, since this is happening on a night when the full moon doesn’t protect us, it may end in a battle if ShadowClan does not believe us, and especially if they refuse to give up their push to expand the borders. They may wish to protect the honor of their own, even if their own have broken the code, at any cost. If they agree to a meeting, I suspect Cedarstar will bring his warriors, and so will we. If it comes to violence despite our efforts, your first step in proving yourself to your clan again, if that is your goal, will be to fight beside us.”

“I will. Always.” Talltail hoped she heard the conviction in his voice. A meeting with a battle patrol worth of warriors wasn’t the most hopeful scenario. But it was the best he could do. 

***

Heatherstar announced to the clan her intentions to mixed mutterings and confusion. WindClan would send their messenger, and knowing ShadowClan, they would have patrols waiting nearby the border. They would make one last attempt at peace, but go in prepared for a fight.

“Why are we talking at all?” Shrewclaw hissed, casting a fierce glare at Talltail. Talltail stubbornly flattened his ears. There was the old angry tom he remembered. Whatever may have changed about Shrewclaw, this topic made it clear that old resentment built seasons ago when Brackenwing died was still there, burning away hot as ever. “You haven’t been here to see what they’ve been doing. This is a waste of time, violence is the only language ShadowClan understands. We have to make them regret ever setting paws under the Thunderpath tunnel to ensure they won’t dare try again!”

“I just think if one decisive battle was enough to fix things, the clans would have stopped fighting ages ago.” Talltail said evenly.

It was torment waiting around to hear back from the messenger. More than anything, Talltail wanted to sit with his old friends and hear about their lives, what had changed, if they were doing well. But there wasn’t time for that yet. Additionally, many cats were still looking at Talltail and Jake curiously, some a bit suspiciously. Perhaps they thought Heatherstar was letting him back in too easily. Honestly, Talltail wondered that as well. Heatherstar had been vague about what she planned to do with him, and about the outsider he had brought back. It seemed she wanted to deal with one big problem at a time, and any cat could see Jake wasn’t the most important threat around at the moment. 

Talltail was arguing with himself over whether it was a mistake to allow Jake to come into this mess. He didn’t think anyone would hurt Jake, but it was true that coming back with a kittypet really wasn't helping his case to be smoothly accepted back. Strong relationships with any outsider was frowned upon, and kittypets even more so than the average rogue. But Jake was worth that risk. Talltail wasn’t ashamed of him. Imagine how furious Sandstone would be if he were here to see it, some petty part of him whispered. The thought, surprisingly, was almost funny now. 

Maybe bringing Jake here was for selfish reasons, as having him nearby made Talltail feel braver, and he needed all the bravery he could get right now. To Talltail’s relief, Jake was still just sitting around amiably, clearly not frightened at all. He didn’t let himself get ruffled, even by the occasional hostile glance. He grinned and nodded a greeting to everyone he saw.

 “I know you care about these cats, so I may as well try to make a good impression,” he said to Talltail. A cat could get used to anything, Jake had said once. Even all this. 

Eventually Cloudrunner returned with the message, and ShadowClan, to everyone’s surprise, accepted the meeting immediately. Talltail thought they might at least wait a while, he’d been hoping for more time to settle his nerves and just get used to being back in WindClan’s camp again after so long. But he couldn’t relax until this matter was solved. Many cats were suspicious, and they had a right to be. Heatherstar was clearly prepared for an ambush. He just hoped she was also prepared  to sort this out without claws. If they could.

“Our medicine cats will be on standby in case.” Heatherstar announced, not even bothering to call a meeting as everyone was already anxiously gathered. “Reedfeather will put together the patrol. Only a select few will meet, while the rest of you will wait nearby and listen for the signal if things go wrong.”

 As those chosen for the patrol were preparing to leave, Briarface nudged Talltail gently. “It will be alright. And no one will harm your friend here, he’ll be safe.” Although his words were reassuring, that old cloud of worry marred his expression. Perhaps the medicine cat was trying to convince himself. “Be careful tonight, Talltail. I hope you can help us. Whatever happens...have faith in yourself.” 

Before Talltail could leave camp, Jake was running up behind him. “B-But...Are you really telling me to stay behind again?” he demanded.

“I know you don’t want to,” Talltail whispered to him, “But I have to insist this time. I can’t afford to disobey orders right now. Heatherstar is not happy as it is and you haven’t been trained to fight clan warriors in the event something happens with ShadowClan! If an outsider is seen in battle, the accusations could start all over again.”

“I’ll watch over your friend,” Fallowspring offered “I have to stay in camp. I’ll at least make sure Whitetooth doesn’t bite his nose off.”

“But--!” Jake protested.

Talltail pressed his nose to Jake’s cheek. “I’ll be back soon, I promise. Fallowspring’s a good cat, don’t worry.”

Fallowspring nodded, but she looked weary. Talltail could see she had remnants of cobweb on her hindleg covering a wound, probably from a more recent border skirmish that looked painful to walk on. Of course, there was nothing else that would keep her from joining the battle patrol. She looked after the patrol with some frustration, and worry. It wasn’t hard to guess she was probably looking after Shrewclaw, who was already about to run on ahead.

Fallowspring gave Talltail a long look, and said quietly, “as thanks...Try to make sure some cat keeps Shrewclaw from doing something mouse-brained. If you can.”

Talltail nodded slowly “I will but...I would have thought you’d be on board with him?”

“I don’t know...I might have been once. But now my siblings and mate are all on a battle patrol without me, and I can’t do anything to help. I just don’t want any more blood to be spilled on that border. I care so much about him, but I can’t make him listen.”

“I’ll do what I can.” Talltail said, before leaving to catch up to Heatherstar, feeling Jake and Fallowspring’s anxious eyes on his back as he went.

Talltail sent a silent prayer up to the stars peeking out in the pitch dark sky. He could only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

chapter list / previous / next

[freebooter4ever]

Eugene follows Snafu Back To See The Caboose

After the girl on the train rejects him feistily, Snafu disappears once lunch is finished. So Eugene decides to hunt him down...

A short enemies to lovers 'missing scene' type oneshot that is basically a fanfic of a fanfic because the UST in @badgerms's F.M.L was too high, I needed them to kiss...so I wrote this using lolki's "what are you gonna do about it?" moment:

The back of the caboose is as deserted as Snafu expects it to be. The door to the outside deck shuts behind him with a literal and metaphorical heaviness. Snafu hopes he remembered to unlock it first. He slides his tie loose, unbuttons the top of his shirt, and slumps against the rail. After years of no real need to dress nice, Snaf starts getting antsy all dolled up among polite company. There was an ease in wearing his ratty service uniform everyday that he kinda misses. It was like a second skin, really. And eventually, when he wore it long enough, he stopped noticing the grime.

He lights a cigarette and sighs, watching the railroad ties pass underneath his feet as the train chugs along. His head feels so heavy slung between his shoulders, he could almost join them.

Watching the track is hypnotic, something to think about without thinking. Because the one thing currently filling his entire mind needs to go away.

Eugene Sledge.

Take necessity out of the equation, and he and Sledge are barely left with a friendship. Eugene doesn't look to Snafu for guidance like he used to, he doesn't look back to make sure Snafu is still running behind him - he doesn't look at Snafu much anymore period. Unless Snafu is acting like an ass. Or a fool. Or both at the same time. Like Eugene considers him some form of mild entertainment.

It hurts more than Snafu would like to admit. It hurts even worse when Snafu is forced to listen to Eugene's talk about 'when they get home', as if 'home' is a concept Snafu is expected to relate to.

Eugene and his ridiculous posturing about 'no plans'. Snafu knows better. Sledge is gonna leave K company behind, go back home to mama, get pa to get him a job, work his way up the social ladder, become successful, and forget all about the war.

Goddamn asshole.

Goddamn beautiful fucking asshole.

With perfect timing, the door to the caboose opens. "Hey," Eugene's shy voice comes up behind Snafu.

Snafu glances at the door. Without making eye contact he holds his cigarette carton out to Eugene.

"No thanks," Eugene says quietly, "Been trying to cut back."

That makes Snafu pause. He pockets the carton, and retreats from the usual cloud of smoke surrounding his head. Waving his hand through the air to try and disperse it, he backs up into the farthest corner of the caboose deck till his butt hits the cold railing. He's trying to put as much space between them as possible. Not that there's much space to begin with. The train is probably less than five feet wide.

"Am I interrupting?" Eugene asks politely, though his tone says he doesn't give a shit if he is.

Snafu just smirks at him. He flattens his cigarette between his lips, grasps onto the ladder attached to the caboose wall, and hoists himself onto the rail. He sits there and smokes, with one leg wrapped around the corner pole to keep himself stable.

Eugene eyes him warily, looking minorly concerned for Snafu's wellbeing if he falls off the train, but says nothing. He walks to the opposite end of the deck and leans over the rail there.

It gives Snafu a pretty good view of his ass.

The silence over them is awkward. They never had to fill silences like this during the war, in foxholes or on the roads. Back then they had too much noise, too much exhaustion for words. Now Snafu wishes Gene would just fucking say what he is thinking.

"Sorry," Eugene says.

Snafu grunts. He's gonna need more than that.

"Sorry for that girl stickin her nose up at you," Eugene continues.

"Only to be expected," Snafu mutters, petulant, "You didn't see her making her way back here, did you?" 

Eugene shakes his head. "This happens every time. Anybody would be better than you at talking to girls. Even me, and I've never talked to a girl who wasn't Sid's kid sister in my life," Eugene complains, "You've got the looks but as soon as you open your mouth you step in it, Snaf. There's no way that girl was ever gonna show."

"Never thought she would," Snafu drawls. He wonders why Eugene is even bringing this up.

"So why do you do it then?" Eugene asks, sounding annoyed, "Antagonize those girls?"

Snafu shrugs even though he knows Gene can't see it with his back to him. "No reason," he says. 'To make you look at me again, to get your attention back on me where it should be,' he adds inwardly.

Eugene bristles. Snafu swears he can see the hair on the back of the guy's neck stand up. "You sure you don't do it just to mess with me?"

"Why the fuck would me talking to girls mess with you?" Snafu scrunches his face up in confusion.

Eugene falls quiet. Like he only just now realized what words fell out of his mouth. 

Sensing Eugene isn't going to explain himself, Snafu shrugs and says, "I dunno, Sledgehammer." By now his cigarette is finally finished and he's ready to get back inside and away from whatever weird mood Sledge is in, "I just say shit. I don't mean any of it."

Eugene turns to look at him, and takes a few steps closer to lean against the rail nearby. He doesn't say a word, he just stares at Snafu with those soft sad eyes, and instantly makes Snafu feel like the biggest piece of shit to walk the earth. "You don't mean any of what you say?" he asks, his voice strangely vulnerable.

"Nah," Snafu throws the cigarette butt off the end of the train.

Eugene looks like a kicked puppy.

"I don't think about shit I do before I do it, Sledge," Snafu says, "Too much fucking work. Who does that?"

Eugene rolls his eyes. He's growing increasingly surly, as if Snafu is pushing him into this bad mood. 

"Why do you care anyway?" Snafu asks.

"Remember what you said to me, the night of VJ day?" Eugene asks, "After Burgie left us alone on those rocks to go get drunk with the other guys and I said to you, 'looks like it's just you and me again'?"

"Yeah," Snafu says.

"Did you mean what you said?" Eugene demands to know. Eugene goes all haughty and poised as if he deserves every right to be putting Snafu on the spot like this.

"I ain't the one reading anything into it," Snafu retorts.

"Is that a no?"

"No!" Snafu snaps.

"So you never mean any of the shit you say?" Eugene demands.

"Nope."

Eugene turns away from him, presents Snafu with a cold shoulder.

Snafu wishes he could kiss that sour face better.

Instead Snafu scoffs, "-And yeah, what if I did mean it? I ain't the one reading into things, and I ain't the one who's been avoiding the other. You're the one who thinks you're better than me. What's it matter if I did mean something six months ago, if it's changed now? What are you gonna do about it?" He says it like it's a challenge but judging from Eugene's change of expression, Gene takes it as an insult.

Eugene stares intently down at the tracks, his posture an exact replica of Snafu's earlier. There's a stubborn furrow in Gene's brow. His shoulders are tense. He's wound up tighter than a spring.

Snafu laughs at him, mocking him. It's a relief, to finally get the meanness out, how much he hates not being under Gene's skin - so much that he's come to dislike him. A string's been snapped in Snafu's brain, he lets loose, he laughs and laughs. He gets caught up in his own amusement. He doesn't see what's coming for him.

Not till Gene's hand darts out and grabs the knot in Snafu's tie. Eugene yanks him forward - it takes all of Snafu's concentration not to slip backwards off the train - and crashes their faces together. Eugene's teeth hit Snafu's chin and Snafu gets the tip of Eugene's nose half in his mouth. Eugene quickly adjusts and this time when they reconnect, Snafu's lips fuse to his.

Eugene takes this as encouragement and shoves his hand into Snafu's hair to better control the kiss. He threads his fingers through and pulls, hard.

Snafu loses his balance on the rail and tips forward, stumbling into Gene's space.

Still focusing on the kiss, Snafu blindly grasps onto whatever part of Gene he can reach. The minute his hand touches Eugene's hip, the other guy gets spooked. For one wonderful moment Eugene is licking into Snafu's mouth and their hot, alcohol laden breath is mixing together, and the next minute Eugene is retreating like a shamed schoolgirl.

Eugene folds his arms in front of his chest, closes himself off, and turns his face resolutely to the door, away from Snafu. "Sorry," he breathes.

"Jesus christ, Gene," Snafu groans. He shares Eugene's sentiment in being unable to look his buddy in the eye. He doesn't want the physical contact to end, though. Snafu moves his hand from Gene's hip to his neck and leans his forehead against Eugene's soft shoulder, "Warn a man next time." He rests his head there, keeps his eyes closed, and takes deep calming breaths.

"It wasn't true," Eugene says hotly, "What you said - I wasn't avoiding you. I don't think I'm better than you."

"Okay," Snafu says, his heart still pounding.

"I have been distant…" Eugene admits, "Because I was afraid if I wasn't I might

…" He trails off.

"...do what you just did?" Snafu helpfully provides an end to his sentence.

Eugene doesn't say anything.

"God, Gene," Snafu sighs, grinding his forehead into the bone of Eugene's shoulder. Saying Eugene's name feels different now. He's no longer choking down all that fucking batshit yearning. He can say it like he wants to. With everything he wants behind it. Like how he wants to slide his hand up to Eugene's cheek and turn Gene's stubborn head so he can kiss his blushing face. And keep kissing him till Eugene's as desperate and clingy and horny as Snafu feels. "Eugene…" Snafu whispers. It's almost begging really. Begging this dumbass to please please stop fucking with him.

Eugene turns his head and draws Snafu in a little closer so he can press his face into the top of Snafu's curls. "Why is your shirt unbuttoned?" Eugene mumbles.

"The fuck does it matter that my shirt is unbuttoned?" Snafu asks.

"I was just asking…"

"It's fucking hot…" Snafu claims.

"No, it's not," Eugene counters.

"It's boiling. I'm sweating like a stuck pig in all these layers," Snafu says.

"It's March," Eugene argues, "We're still in the dead of winter."

"No we ain't," Snafu whines, "Don't you see that bright sun up there?"

"You just shivered, Snaf," Eugene says, "I felt it…"

"Maybe you're feeling something else," Snafu smiles and raises his head enough to nose along Eugene's long neck. He kisses him there, relishing in the way his lips stick lightly to Eugene's flushed skin. Snafu leaves his open mouth pressed against Eugene's neck and just continues to try and breathe.

Eugene appears entirely unaffected. Despite the fact that he was the one who fucking started this. 

Snafu gives up. He drops his hand off Eugene's shoulder, lets it fall to Eugene's waist, where he slides his fingers along Eugene's tightly cinched belt before letting go altogether. Snafu disconnects from Eugene and takes a single step towards the door.

Eugene stops him. Eugene's hands find their way to Snafu's hips and he shoves Snafu against the platform rail. The cold bar digs into the small of Snafu's back. Snafu squirms against Eugene's body as Eugene presses in close. He almost bends Snafu backwards over the rail in his efforts to touch as much of Snafu as possible.

"Eugene…!" Snafu says with an embarrassing amount of longing.

Eugene kisses him silent.

Snafu's arms go around Gene's neck, and he holds onto him for dear life. Gene's hands stay strong against Snafu's back. Till Eugene slides them down, digging into every inch of Snafu's spine.

That makes Snafu shiver as much as the cold does. He loves him. Snafu loves this asshole whose hands and thoughts are all over him, inside and out…and maybe, just maybe, Eugene likes him back.

Eugene drops his hands from the small of Snafu's back to Snafu's ass and smoothly brings their hips together. As if Eugene had all this planned. Like he's taking it one step at a time, going down a list he had all mapped out.

Snafu briefly breaks the kiss to take a breath and tells Gene in a shocked whisper, "Thought you were a virgin?" Cause Eugene seems like he knows what he's doing.

Eugene steps back.

Snafu immediately regrets opening his big mouth.

"I am," Eugene scowls. He leans in and kisses Snafu one last, glorious time. "Funny...I thought you were better at this...with all your big talk about getting people," he says in Snafu's ear. And then opens the caboose door, walks through without looking back, and slams it shut. 

"Fuck," Snafu swears and drops to the deck because his legs can't hold him up anymore. He's not sure what kind of game they're playing, but he's pretty sure Gene just won.

SLEDGEFU MATERLIST

(Thank you @edteche2 for editing!)

[silksandcravats]

Love Language Series: Words of Affirmation with Flip

masterlist

love language series masterlist

warnings: swearing, female-reader, end of friendship,

It was a nasty fight, and everyone who was in the Colorado Springs’ Howard Johnson’s that day for lunch got to witness it, including Flip. You hadn’t even expected to see her today, after all, it had been quite some time since you’ve seen her last.

One of your closest friends had recently thrown herself entirely into her new relationship and you were happy for her, at least at first. You’d found your other half in Flip, your wedding was the best day of your life and of course you’d want that for your friends! But you quickly became suspicious of the mystery man when you met him in person. You could tell by your friend’s behaviour that she wasn’t totally comfortable with him, she couldn’t be herself. You watched as she slowly shifted into someone else, just last week she’d gone dancing three times, and she hated dancing. 

Flip was just finishing up paying for the check when she came in, on the arm of the man you’d grown to hate. Immediately you knew something was wrong, she looked so...tired. He leaned in to say something in her ear and she smiled at him, but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. The couple moved to the corner of the counter, probably waiting for a takeaway order, and that was when you saw it. Her left hand came up to fiddle with the earrings she was wearing, and your eyes were drawn to a big shiny diamond sitting on her ring finger.

You must have made some kind of audible noise of shock because Flip’s head perked up, his brows furrowed, and then the detective followed your line of vision and seemed to catch on. No way she was engaged? She knew him for all of a month! You knew she was eager to settle down, but this was absolutely absurd. 

The waitress spoke some words to the couple, probably informing them it would be another minute or two on their order based on the current state of the restaurant. Your friend’s apparent fiance mumbled something to her, pressed a kiss to her cheek and excused himself, moving towards the mens room. The second she was alone you shot up from your seat, and before you could stop yourself you were marching up to your friend. 

“I know that’s not a fucking wedding ring?” A bold introduction to be sure, but you couldn’t help yourself.

“Well hello to you too y/n, yes, it is. Burt proposed at the country club this past weekend, pretty isn’t it?” She smiled briefly, holding it up and staring at it. For some reason it almost sounded like she was convincing herself more than you.

“Well-uh yes, it’s very pretty,” you acknowledged, fumbling for the words you were looking for. How could this have happened? “Little soon though no?”

“I don’t think so.” She shook her head quickly. “I mean I’ve been dreaming of getting married since I was a little girl. You know that y/n, I thought you’d be happy for me,” she frowned, she looked disappointed in you.

“Of course, I want you to be happy! but,” you paused, looking behind you to make sure he was still nowhere to be seen. “You’re both so different. I just don’t think he’s the one, I want better for you, that’s all.”

“Well what the hell am I supposed to do with that y/n?” she snapped. Her temper has apparently shortened greatly since you’d seen her last.

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” you backtracked quickly. “I know how important this is to you and that’s why I want you to be with someone perfect for you!”

“Alright, well why don’t you go hand this back to him!” She pulled her engagement ring off, slamming it on the counter. “Since you seem to know my life better than I do, huh?”

“No-no I didn’t mean-”

“God this is all so like you ya know?” She was basically yelling now, and you were sure more than a few eyes had turned to look at you. “You are so selfish y/n, do you know that? You claim to care about your friends so much but the second anyone else has any chance at happiness, however fleeting, you gotta go and shoot em down to make you feel better about yourself!” 

“I can’t believe you would say that,” you whispered, stepping back.

“I should have said it a long time ago!” She continued to yell, her words slicing deep. “You were always such a miserable sorry excuse for a friend, and now you’re going to act like you’re some kind of victim! You’re going to start crying like the slimy, manipulative bitch you are, because I’m the bad guy! Aren’t I y/n?”

You set your jaw, you could feel wetness collecting in your eyes but you didn’t dare let a tear slip. You were practically in a stare off as silence fell over the two of you. If the whole diner wasn’t already watching the two of you, they certainly were now.

“You know what,” you lowered your voice so only she could hear, “I hope you're happy in this trap you’ve set up for yourself. I really do.” 

You didn’t wait for a response, instead you spun on your heel, turning for the door. Flip stood from the booth to follow you, he got to the door and paused, turning to face your ex friend. There were plenty of things he’d like to say in that moment, he felt an intense need to defend you, but he refrained, shaking his head and pushing the door open, following his wife into the parking lot.

You marched towards Flips’ Chevrolet, your mind was reeling, you simply couldn’t believe the events that had just occurred. Her words stung, she must have known they would, they were meant to. You couldn’t wrap your head around how you had lost such a dear friend so suddenly, she had just slipped between your fingers. You weren’t selfish, were you? 

You approached the passenger door and tugged at the handle twice before realising it was still locked. So you crossed your arms, waiting for Flip to catch up and unlock the car.

The car ride was silent, Flip hated it. He knew you were turning those words over and over again in your head, digesting them. When he’d first pulled out of the parking lot he’d tried placing one of his big warm palms on your knee to comfort you, but you pulled away, curling up against the door and staring out the window. He’d tried speaking to you once, but you responded quickly that you didn’t want to talk about it.

When you arrived home he followed you into the house and up to your bedroom. You picked up the laundry basket that was laying at the foot of the bed, and plopped it on top of the bed. You busiest yourself folding the rest of the load you had meant to finish it before going out for lunch. Flip sat on his brown armchair in the corner of your bedroom, a few feet away from you, and you could feel his gaze on you as you worked. You folded in silence for a few minutes, still muddling in the events of earlier, and then you heard Flip let out a loud sigh.

“Alright, come here,” he called, patting his lap, nodding his head to further emphasis himself. 

“I said, I don’t want to talk about it, please Phil,” your voice came out defeated.

“Ok,” he sat for a moment. “Well can I talk to you?” You turned to stare at his face, considering him. He gestured you over again with his head and this time you gave in, tossing one of your tops to the side and walking over to him, a little smile slipping out.

You purposefully perched yourself on the very edge of his lap, teasing him, and looked at him expectantly. He rolled his eyes and grabbed your waist tightly, tugged you all the way into him until your shoulder bumped into his chest, the sudden motion causing you to squeal. He tightened his arms around you and poked his big strong nose against your cheek.

“You know I love you honey?” He kissed your jaw.

“You don’t think I’m a selfish bitch?” you forced a half laugh, trying to pretend it didn’t bother you too much. As if that would ever work with Flip.

“You know what I think of you woman?” He asked, grabbing your chin to direct your gaze to him. He has the prettiest eyes, you thought to yourself. His intense gaze was still enough make your stomach flutter even after all these years.

“What do you think of me?” You indulge him, giving another small smile.

“I think you’re too kind for your own good sweetheart.” You rolled your eyes at that, shaking your head at him, and tried to look away.

“Nuh uh, don’t roll your eyes baby, I mean it,” he said seriously pulling your face towards him again. “Don’t you be worrying about some shit somebody else said ok? You’re the farthest thing from selfish pumpkin. You’re such a good person, and you don’t even know it. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.  You're my favourite person in the whole world baby, I’m so glad you let me marry you. Don’t know what I did to deserve you gorgeous.” He leaned forward leaving a quick, sweet kiss on your lips. Then he let go of your chin and you moved forward, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“God I love you Flip,” you spoke, voice muffled as your mouth was on top of his flannel.

“I love you more baby.”

And then he’d probably fuck you into the mattress while he made you say nice things about yourself but I’ve done my very best to keep this series PG so we’ll have to address that another time.

Tags: @aloneandsleepless​ @maryforyou​ @emeraldsiren20​ @leather-flannel-liquor​ @ellenmunn​

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[creamcoffeelou]

I’ve been tagged so many times to do a sunday snippet I’m so sorry to everyone that tags me in those and I don’t do them....but here’s one! 1960s revenge/dark plot that most likely will never get finished

Content warning: dark!au read tags!

____

Clouds of smoke hung thick in the air, stagnant and stale between gusts of air from the rarely opened door. A record spun soundlessly from the left of the bar, the DJ having abandoned his booth to use the toilet only leaving the loud ruckus of the men playing pool and talking too loud from the farthest corner of the bar. 

The sign on the outside of the door read gentleman’s club, but he’d heard the whispers of the men on the street that this is where men with eyes for other men found themselves in the evening. He’d heard it hushed first, stacked between whispers of sin, only until the gentleman he’d been speaking with had realized he didn’t have a wife. 

“Nothing wrong with a queer, son” He’d said, “We just don’t take well to the type that leave their wives at home alone to frequent them clubs,” one of the men he’d had the conversation with had cut in from across the bar, lips cracked from the smoke of his cigarette. 

He wondered how many of the men that found themselves through the seedy doors of the club did leave their wives behind to see the barely-legal boys that danced in heels and dresses on the stage. 

Those hushed conversations were how he found himself at the farthest end of the bar at Crimson Rose. 

“Blondie at the end of the bar bought you a drink,” The bartender said with a gravelly, long-term smoker’s voice at a break in the thumping of the music. He’d been barely there all evening, only floating around when his coke had been empty for several minutes. Louis couldn’t blame him, really. He knew drunks tipped better. 

“Can you make it virgin? Charge him full price if you like, he doesn’t look the type to tip well.” That got a laugh from the man, but he just moved wordlessly to make his drink. 

As soon as the glass was placed in front of him the man at the edge of the bar moved to the seat beside him. He smelled like stale cigarettes and rum. All Louis could do was smile to keep himself from turning his nose up. 

“You’re not from around here.”

“I’m just passing through town.” He smiled, turning in his seat to completely face the man opposite him. “I’ll be honest, I’m not really about the small talk. Do you want to get a room tonight?” 

He ran a hand through his hair and ran his tongue over his teeth, waiting. 

“You’re sure?” He said next. Louis quirked an eyebrow and nodded. 

“I’ll be outside. Meet me out there once you’ve paid both of our tabs.” He ran a hand down the bare skin of the man’s arm, with a playful smile. “I’m looking forward to it.”

He left, then, walking outside with quiet steps. 

He stood outside for barely ten minutes before the man joined him, a hand on his hip. “Let’s go.” 

He hailed a cab from the corner as the man kept a firm hand around his waist. 

It was a silent ride to the hotel room, the silence filled with the empty promise of a night to remember. 

Louis wasn’t sure what the other end of that night looked like. Whether the man beside him had a wife, a family, a job. He didn’t really care. Those weren’t the thoughts filling his mind as he sat beside a face that felt too familiar.  

It didn’t matter, really. 

The cab ride was quiet. Each of them stayed on their respective sides of the seats, silence heavy between them as the eight track cassette that the driver had restarted after it finished. 

The hotel was closer than Louis thought it would have been and they made their way inside too fast. 

The elevator and the room key and everything felt like a blur of moments that Louis could barely focus on. All he could bring himself to focus on was the bag that hung around his shoulder. 

And yet, as soon as they were inside Louis’ mind felt hyper-focused. 

Kissing the man who’s name he didn’t care to remember felt wrong. 

Every part of him wanted to reject it, and yet he stayed. Let him touch him as he peeled off pieces of clothes that weren’t meant to come off. 

The room he’d booked was a full suite; a living room and a bedroom. The TV was on, playing some news anchor who droned on in the background the Louis was more interested in than the lips pressed against his own. 

“Let me make you a drink. Then we can go to bed.” 

“Oh that’s alright –“ Tension spread through the man’s muscles all at once as he leaned forward, body following Louis’ movements as he moved from his lap to pad across the floor. 

“We’re in no rush, right?” He bit his lip with a gentle smile, eyebrows raised just slightly. “We have all night, right?” He watched with wide eyes as his body language relaxed, body falling back to rest in his chair once again. Louis doubted he even realized how much he told with his movements, the story radiating off of him in full phrases as Louis watched him. 

He mixed the drink with his finger as he walked, sucking the tequila off of it with hollowed cheeks as he let his eyes rake over the man in front of him. Tasteless, scentless. 

Clean and easy. 

He planted himself back onto his lap as he pressed the glass into his hand. 

He took one drink, then two. Pausing between each to rake his eyes up and down the expanse of Louis’ exposed skin. 

Minutes passed. He sipped at his own soda, watching as the redness in the cheeks of the man across him deepened. 

“You remember me, right?” Louis asked, running his tongue over his teeth. The smile fell from his face as Louis wrapped the lace of his robe tighter around his body. 

“What?” 

“Let me give you a little reminder. I was sixteen and you were at a party with some of your,” He paused, grimacing, “Friends.” 

A flash of recognition swept over his face all at once and Louis smiled with a closed mouth. It wasn’t forced for the first time throughout the entire night, and that sent some sort of twisted satisfaction up Louis’ spine. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Oh, such a shame. Because I think you do,” Louis teased, a small smile spreading over his face.  

He was certain that the man in front of him knew exactly what he was talking about, without so much as a doubt in his mind. He’d been one of the five men that had ruined his life, and he wanted nothing other than the revenge he knew he rightly deserved. 

He stood there for a moment once the movements stopped. 

The silence felt too loud. Deafening. Yet it quieted some of the ruckus inside of his head. Not all of it, not enough of it, but some, and that was the start that Louis knew he needed. 

He ran his hands down the front of his shirt, smoothing out some of the wrinkles there. Then he took a last glance at the animal, finally in hell where he belonged, on the ground in front of him. A smile spread over his face as he walked out of the motel doors, peace resting on his shoulders instead of the burden of his past. 

--

Morning came much too fast. 

He felt rested but his eyes felt heavy as he nursed the cup of coffee that his waitress refilled graciously without nicety or small talk. He leaned himself over the counter, guarding the coffee with tired eyes and a sore body. 

A body took the seat next to him and his eyes darted over. Too many rings on long fingers caught the glimmer of early morning light cast from the window, attached to pale hands. 

“Whole bars open, you know.” He said first, straightening out his hunched back as he glanced over. 

“You took something from me, and I’d like to know why, exactly.” 

“Afraid you’ve got the wrong guy. I’m just passing through town.” 

“Well ain’t that something. I could have sworn your name was Louis Tomlinson, and last night you murdered Samson Trell.” 

He stiffened, back straight as he finally looked clearly at the man that sat beside him. The entire diner had cleared out, his eyes darting from table to table where he knew people had sat just minutes before. His eyes raked over him then, surveying the crisp press of his gray suit coat that matched the hat that sat on the counter just beside him. 

“You writin’ a book or something, or are you gonna let me enjoy my coffee in peace?” 

“I’d like it if you answered my question, actually.”

“Didn’t hear a question there.” 

“Did you murder Mr. Trell?” 

“No, I did not.” In his mind, it wasn’t a lie. What he did wasn’t murder – just revenge in the only form he could ever see it taking. The man beside him hummed, but he didn’t sound convinced. “You seem to know my name. Mind if I get yours?” 

“I do mind, actually. Now, I’d like it if you told me the truth.” His green eyes seemed to glow brighter in the morning sunlight, flakes of brown and gold swimming in too-big irises, but they felt darker as he shifted his shoulders, revealing the gun tucked into the seam of his pants. 

“You a cop?” He didn’t get an answer, instead just a lifted eyebrow and a slight frown. “I didn’t murder anybody.” 

“See, now I gave you two chances,” The man said with a perfectly straight toothed smile that felt genuine yet somehow still sent a chill down Louis’ spine. “You’re gonna tell me the truth this time, or I’m going to kill you.” 

A different kind of dread seeped down into Louis’ stomach at that moment, eyebrows drawing down with slightly parted lips. 

“When I tell you that I did, are you going to shoot me anyway?” 

“Depends on how good of an explanation you have for why.”

He grit his teeth, sighing on an exhale. “He,” A pause, “He hurt me. Three years ago. Took me this long to find him and get to him.” There was a pause between them, then. He felt the other man’s eyes raking over him, an imaginary heat radiating against his skin where he looked at him even if his gaze looked neutral. “I didn’t murder anybody. He got what was comin’ to him and if you wanna kill me for that then I don’t know what to tell you.”

Louis just looked at him, trying to hold the same intensity of his gaze even over the pounding of his heart. 

“I’m not going to kill you, but it doesn’t take away the fact that you took something that belonged to me.”

“I certainly wasn’t aware that he belonged to anyone,” Louis scoffed. “I’m not sure what you’re playing at here, but why don’t you leave me be? I’m just trying to have my breakfast so I can leave town and you can forget all about me.” 

“Well, darling, if I just forgave every debt I was owed, what kind of businessman would I be?” 

“Do you always draw everything out so much? Can you just get to the point? Good Christ.” 

“Well Mr. Tomlinson, since it seems you’d like me to be blunt, you’re going to replace Mr. Trell. You won’t be taking his job, specifically, but from now on you’ll answer to me. In return, I won’t kill you.” 

“If I say no?” 

“I don’t take you to be that stupid.” 

“I don’t take well to being given an ultimatum.” Louis raised an eyebrow, frowning. “And you haven’t even so much as told me your name.” 

“You can know my name once I know your answer.” 

“Between the choices of dying and answering to you, I’ll obviously join the latter.” 

He finally got a smile from the man across him who stood, replacing the hat on top of his head after setting a five-dollar bill onto the counter. He reached out a hand with confident movements and Louis found himself standing, too, motions coming before the thoughts felt solid in his head. He considered himself a master at reading people, yet he drew a blank with this man. All he could do was meet his hand and shake it, his grip firm and solid and the rings cold against his fingers. 

“My name is Harry Styles. Let’s take a walk.” 

[pinkhairedlily]

Chapter 3 - Student Council President Sakura

SCPS AO3 | PREVIOUS CHAPTER

“Good morning, Sensei.”

Long trails of pink hair fell just inches above Kakashi’s face. He opened his eyes from a short morning nap and found Sakura shielding him from the summer sun. The book he was reading was on his stomach, turned down and split on the page he stopped.

“Good morning, Sakura. You let your hair down.”

She grinned at him and took a few steps back as he stood up. “I didn’t have time to dry my hair. I didn’t want to be late on my first day of class.”

“You had time to wake me up though.”

Internal panic coursed through Sakura which intensified more when he yawned and smirked, obviously teasing her, but it emphasized the small mole above his chin – something she was always fascinated about. “It’s bad impression when freshmen students find their teacher littering on campus grounds, Sensei.” I’m so proud of my quick wit. She happily sauntered away from the speechless, heads-over-heels, oblivious student trap.

Kakashi walked with her until the main entrance of the building, easily avoiding Sakura’s inquisitions of his summer break shenanigans and pinning the lack of it on the endless teacher trainings and seminars. Just before he left her to go the faculty room, he took a rubber band from his wrist and gave it to her. “In case you’ll get conscious and want to tie your hair. Have a good day, Sakura.”

She wasn’t conscious at all; she let it down for him, the hair tie in her skirt’s pocket – her pink strands freed at will to demand for his undivided attention, but she opened her palm to receive his offer all the same. She sighed after his fading figure in the gathering crowd.

New class lists were pasted on the bulletin board, and she scanned for names. Two particular people caught her attention. Ironically, they also appeared within her field of sight.

“Oh, Sakura. Good morning!” Naruto’s loud voice was ringing even though he just entered the building. If she would describe him, he was the embodiment of sunshine. He just had that positive energy around him which she liked. Walking close behind him was Sasuke, the stoic genius of their batch, and the opposite of Naruto. “How was your summer, Sakura?”

“Hmm, nothing much.” She glanced ever so quickly at Sasuke and saw him pay no mind. She liked that about him because while he was so unlike his loud, chatty friend, his energy was warm and kind, just hiding behind a tall wall of vulnerability. “I heard you joined the baseball team. Congratulations!”

Naruto shyly scratched his head. “I’m still a rookie though. I’ve got ways to go.”

That wasn’t entirely true. Sakura heard through the vine that he got mad agility skills, and that every sports team wanted him to try out. So much has changed in a year.

“Come on, we’re gonna be late.” Sasuke said.

“I haven’t seen which class I’m in yet!”

He grabbed the blonde by the collar and led the way. “We’re classmates.”

“Yeah, we’re classmates.” Sakura fell in step with Sasuke, Naruto frozen in shock. What an odd trio they must have been.

------------------------------

Their seating arrangement was pasted on the board when they came in. Sasuke got the seat beside the window – a good position for daydreams and afternoon naps. Sakura was placed beside him with a nice center view of the room, and Naruto was in front of her.

“Hey, Sakura. I need to tell you something, but it’s quite embarrassing. You see, I tend to fall asleep in the middle of class and since I’m in front of you…..erm….uhhh.”

“What he meant to say is he drools,” Sasuke interrupted. This apparently irked Naruto who full on glared at him.

“Well, yes, I drool. I have short attention span and classes make me so sleepy, but I hope that won’t disturb you. Just please look over my head.”

“How can she when there’s a porcupine sitting on it?”

Sakura chuckled at their weird, friendly banter. “Yeah sure, whatever you say Naruto. I don’t get easily distracted anyway.” She forgot to ask earlier if Kakashi will still be teaching Math for second years or which section his homeroom will be. As if her thoughts conjured him, he walked in their room, his silver hair glinting against the sunlight, and his eyes wandering in search for a face. Hushed gushes of admiration spread through the students, awed by the silent imposition of his presence. Then, his eyes fell on her.

He bridged the gap between them in easy, wide strides. “Ms. Haruno, the student council is looking for you.”

“They really sent you on an errand, Sensei?” No one dared to look beyond their interactions. She was easy-going, casual without being disrespectful, the model cheerful student, and the teachers’ pet. Teasing him with her half-truths hanging in between words was not difficult to cover up.

“Of course, I’m the council’s adviser.” And of course, she was thankful for his obliviousness.

------------------------------

“What do you think could it be? Did Sakura get into a scuffle?” Naruto asked after Sakura left with Kakashi. “No, that’s not really possible.”

Sasuke shrugged. He just wanted the day, or rather, the term to end quickly. He purposely avoided visiting the café, going in the mornings rather than late nights, partly because he didn’t want to run into her and partly because he was scared. He was just safely keeping his distance.

Sakura returned just before the next class started with an exuberant expression. The next teacher basically confirmed the news. “Congrats, Ms. Haruno Sakura. Thanks for stepping up to be the next student council president.” The position was left vacant after the initial appointee decided to focus on preparations and review to move abroad for college. The council, with faculty approval, recommended her to take the rein.

Hmm. They trust her abilities to this extent, huh. Sasuke looked outside, uninterested with the unfolding event and the break of congratulations around her. He saw her reflection on the window, smiling widely at her classmates, but her hands told another story, her fingers just solely focused on the rubber tie around her wrist.

------------------------------

Naruto had to stay behind for baseball practice which Sasuke was thankful for, but his feet didn’t want to go back home so he hid in their spot, napped for a while, and waited for Naruto’s message. When the blonde finally finished, Sasuke went to the field to fetch him.

“Sasuke, they’ll be joining us for dinner!” Naruto said.

“Sure, invite another team more.” Just his luck, Sasuke hated company, but like all other instances, he kept being dragged within his friend’s orbit. The team waved at him silently, knowing for a fact now that he didn’t respond to anyone other than Naruto.

“Really?” Naruto’s eyes perked up then a moment later realized that Sasuke was being sarcastic. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder and led the way to their usual ramen house.

“Get your hands off me, you vermin.”

“Awww they told me this was probably your love language – friendly banter.”

“Naruto, that didn’t come from us. We don’t want to get killed!” his teammates collectively chimed behind him. “Sorry Sasuke.”

Sasuke released a heavy sigh, quickly glaring at the players, but also letting the remarks slide. At least, this was a better option than being early at home and alone. After dinner, Naruto badgered him for desserts.

“I think I need a sugar rush. All the sugar left my body during practice. I envy Team Captain Haru.”

“The one with the undercut? His hair looked boring.”

“He has a steady supply of sweetness in his life. His girlfriend, Hinata, always visited during summer break. Quiet but supportive of our practice games. She cheers for him on the side and brings us snacks. I want a girlfriend too.”

“That’s normal, considering you’re a hormonal teenager.”

“Aren’t you the same?”

“Nope, I’m just a teenager.” His feet unconsciously led him to the café where Sakura worked. Ah, shit. “Hey, let’s go to another place.”

“This looks okay, grumpy! Besides, my feet hurt. Please have mercy on your dear friend.”

“You’re not my friend.”

“That’s a part of your love language too. Ehe. Come on now.”

Despite internally wishing she wasn’t present this evening, he found himself face to face again with Sakura. She had the usual disguise, but her makeup was on the heavier side – cat-shaped eyeliner just made her eyes stood up more. When she saw them, the first thing she did was look at him, conveying a questioning look, possibly on whether Naruto knew who she was. Sasuke subtly shook his head once.

Ever the simple-minded, Naruto’s focus was on the sweets. “I’ll have strawberry milkshake and a slice of red velvet cheesecake please!” It was going so well until he saw her face. Leaning in to Sasuke, he whispered. “She kinda looks familiar, don’t you think?”

“Your order, Sir?” Unfazed, Sakura continued doing her job. Her eyes looked towards the last plate of cream puffs.

“One slice of tomato cake and a matcha latte.”

“What?” Sakura and Naruto said at the same time.

“Even the lady agrees that that dessert sound unappetizing!” Naruto stuck out his tongue for a more theatrical effect. “Get a brownie or a cream puff.”

“I’m treating you so let me eat my tomatoes in peace.” Sasuke held out his card to Sakura who was still weirded out by his selection. Did he really give off a strong impression of his cream puffs inclination?

“I feel like we have a vibe going on.” Naruto leaned towards the counter, seemingly flirting with Sakura-in-disguise. “Maybe it’s because you have the same eye color?”

Before he could embarrass himself any further and prematurely confess his yet half-hearted feelings, Sasuke dragged Naruto away from the counter and on the farthest table of the café. “You made her uncomfortable. Stop it.”

“She looked like Sakura! But of course, our student council president looks more ethereal. I bet she’s so busy with school and club activities, she won’t have time for this.”

He spent an hour or so listening to Naruto talk about his baseball practice, the expired ramen he accidentally cooked last night, and the difficulty of their classes. It somehow ended on a note, much more like an imposition from Naruto, that Sasuke will give him supplementary lessons in this café and with his allowance.

They were about to leave when Sakura beckoned them over. She had two paper bags in her hands, and Sasuke noticed the absence of cream puffs. Someone must have ordered it already.

“Here’s a treat on the house – one for each of you. We’re giving freebies if you order within this timeframe. Come again!”

“This is so great! Thank you!” Naruto beamed at her but remembered something. “Hey, I’m sorry if I felt like a creep earlier. It wasn’t my intention.”

“Uh, that’s all right. I get that a lot.” She beamed back at him.

“You have the same beautiful eye color with our classmate. She’s cheerful, assertive, and has this positive energy around her. We hope we could be friends with her. Thanks for this again!”

Sasuke was too late to stop Naruto’s ramble, but he guessed it turned out fine. She just continued smiling like a good ole polite employee. “Get going, Naruto. I want to rest.” The two of them stepped out on the street with the fresh evening breeze.

“I feel like I still creeped her out.”

“Maybe you did.” Sasuke smirked at the tortured expression on Naruto’s face.

When he came home, he opened the paper bag to place the contents inside the fridge. It didn’t occur to him to ask why that promo wasn’t offered to him when he came last time, but nonetheless, he was a bit glad that he had something to munch on aside from processed food. His thoughts halted when he saw the cream puffs inside. His hands fetched his phone and he quickly dialed Naruto’s number.

“Grumpy, you missed me already?”

“What did she give you?”

“Who? Oh? You mean the café lady? Brownies! Do you think I can share these with Sakura tomorrow?”

Sasuke hang up on him without answering his question. He just kept on staring at the cream puffs on his kitchen counter.

Yeah, I better keep my distance.

AO3 LINK | NEXT CHAPTER | CHAPTER 4

[itsthestutterforme]

PTSD (Aaron Hotchner)

Y/N offers to help Aaron cope with what happened with Foyet. One night, the team was staying in a hotel to take the jet home the next morning. Y/N was bunking with Aaron and later that night he was having nightmares. She tried to help but Aaron accidently hurts her.

Characters: Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareu, Spencer Reid, Emily Prentiss

--

Aaron was a little perplexed when he saw Y/N's name on his desk for a new recruit. Y/N and Aaron were a couple when they were in high school. Y/N broke up with him because he dedicated so much to his major to worry about anything else. They were each other's first love and it was epic while it lasted. They didn't end on bad terms but Hotch always felt like shit about it.

And now, her name hit his desk for a team that he is in charge for. He has no idea what to do. Despite what others make think, there are moments where he has trouble with separating emotions from his work. He stares at the picture that sat to the left of her name. She looks much different than when he last saw her, but her dark brown eyes has always been tainted with determination.

That's mainly what drew him to her in the first place. But he is still recovering from what happened with his wife and Foyet. He still has nightmares about it, and each night, it gets worse. He hasn't told anyone about it because he feels like he's the sad case as it is. Hotch hears a knock on the door and looks up to see Rossi in the door frame of his office.

"How are you holding up?" Rossi asks him. "I'm holding." "Who's that?" "Someone I used to know back in college. We drifted apart then." "Was it anything romantic?" Hotch didn't say anything but Rossi knew enough from his gaze. "Follow what you think it's right. I'm sure she has a reputation to build like everyone else." "Want to go out for a drink?" Rossi adds. "Looks like I'm going to need it,"

**

Y/N's first week was probably the most awkwardest week. There needed to be a relationship between Y/N and Hotch, but there's just too much history between the two people. But Hotch is trying to make things work.

The team had to stay in the hotel for the night to continue to work on the case. Hotch was especially having a hard time because the victims looked just like Haley, short blonde hair with medium builds.

Y/N chose to bunk with Hotch because she thinks she can get through to him. She walks into the room with two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. "Read my mind," Hotch says. She sits in the chair across from him and pours him some whiskey.

She hands it to him and asks, "How you holding up?" Hotch shakes his head and she adds, "Give yourself time to heal. Don't jump into things you're not ready for."

"I'm the leader of this team, Y/N. I need to put the team first." "For how long? How long until you break because you're not spending time for yourself?" "You know, you've changed a lot since we last saw each other." Hotch says, changing the subject.

"In a good or bad way?" "Good, you're assertive and know what you want. That's a good thing to have in the bureau." he states.

"When I saw that you were in charge of the BAU team, I was both shocked and proud. We made it where we dreamed of being." Y/N trails off and bites on the inside of her cheek. "But..?" "You ever feel like that's not enough? Like there's something else to go after." "That's one of the downsides to ambition. Most times what you have isn't enough,"

"I guess everyone has their vices, huh?" Y/N states. "Yeah," "Well I'm going to take a shower," she says as she takes a peek at the clock and sees that it's 11:43 pm. She comes back in a tank top and lounge pants and Aaron had a black woman beater on and a breath hitched in her throat.

She'll always be attracted to Hotch, but she knows that she has to keep things professional in order for her to stay in the BAU.

"Oh sorry, I didn't know you were--" he starts. "It's fine. Don't worry about it." She slides under the covers and turns off her lamp. "Night, Hotch." "Good night,". They both fell asleep a few hours later and Hotch was having another nightmare. Y/N was a light sleeper so she woke up as soon as she heard a grunt.

She looked over to her to see Hotch moving around in bed with sweat staining the sheets. She got up from the bed and sat on the edge of the bed. She placed a hand on his shoulder and her hand was soaking wet from his sweat. "Hotch," she says as she starts shaking him. His eyes snap open and he looks at who was touching him.

Though it was Y/N in real life, his mind was still warped from sleep so all he sees is Foyet standing over him. Hotch wraps his hands around Y/N's throat and pulls her on the bed with him. He straddles her waist and tightens his grip. Y/N was already starting to see stars and her ears were starting to ring.

Y/N punches the headboard so it hits the wall loudly and hopes that was enough to get the team's attention. Sure enough, Morgan hears a constant loud thumping and walks out of his room with JJ close behind. He knocks on the door but as soon as he heard Y/N crying, he busts the door open. At this point, Y/N was a few seconds before falling unconscious.

Morgan grabs Hotch and tackles him off of the ground. "Hotch, what the hell are you doing man?" Morgan says to him. Hotch snaps out of his trance and he realizes what happened. "Oh my God, Y/N?" Y/N coughs and holds her throat in pain. JJ sits down next to her and ask if she was okay. Y/N shakes her head no and JJ's eyes widen as she sees her neck starting to bruise.

"Something is wrong. We need to take her to the hospital," JJ says as she tries to get her to her feet. When Morgan sees Y/N struggling, he lifts her into his arms. "Lead the way, JJ," Morgan says before leaving the room. "Y/N," Hotch says as he drops to the ground. He leans his back against the wall as Emily and Reid come in.

"What happened? Where's JJ and Y/N?" Emily asks. "Hospital with Y/N," Hotch answers. "What? What happened? Is she okay?" "I happened," Hotch says as he runs a hand over his face. JJ refused to leave Y/N side as the rest of the team worked the case. Everyone was walking around egg shells around Hotch, knowing that his guilt was already nawing at him.

They found the killer and were headed to the jet later that afternoon. Y/N and JJ met them at the gate. Hotch had no idea what to say or do, and neither did she. They sat in the farthest seats for each other. JJ spoke with the rest of the team about her situation, everyone expect Hotch.

She fears that the smallest thing would push him over the edge. "The doctors said that if there was even a fraction of increased pressure, he would have crushed her wind pipe."

They all look to Y/N and she's looking out the window in thought. She felt eyes staring at her and looked over her shoulder. Everyone looked in different directions when they saw that she caught them. Y/N had no choice but to go on medical leave for her throat to heal.

**

Y/N's POV

Today is my first day back to the BAU after recovering from my injuries. I release an extensive sigh as the elevator doors slide open. I see the team crowded around my cubicle and walk over to them. They were completely engulfed with what they were doing because they didn't see or hear me approach them.

I clear my throat, making most of them jump. "Y/N!" Garcia says as she wraps her arms around me. I hug her back and the entire team was waiting in line to hug me. I look up to see Aaron walking passed us. He bows his head slightly before walking up to his office.

"It was Garcia's idea to get you a cupcake instead of an actual cake," "I love that idea," "Told ya!" she retorts. "Just one moment though," I set down my bag on the desk before advancing towards Hotch's desk. "Y/N, are you sure you're ready for that?" JJ asks. "I can't move forward unless I make amends." I say before walking up the stairs.

I knock on the door and Hotch looks up from his papers. "Hey," I greet. "Hi, how's.. how are you feeling?" "Better, the doctors say that my neck is healing nicely." He nods and stands from the desk. "JJ is going to start the briefing soon." He walks past me and I hold his hand gently. "Hotch, please." He stops walking and releases a shaky breath.

"How can you talk to me after what I've done?" "To move forward, for both of us. You didn't know what you were doing." "Stop making excuses for me," He pulls his hand away from me. "Then stop being so hard on yourself,". "Like I said, JJ needs us." "Wait," He turns back around and I pull him in for a hug. I wrap my arms around his torso and lean my head into his chest.

"I miss laying on your chest sometimes," I say, referencing to our post sex cuddles. "I miss you too, kitten." He whispers, sending chills down my body. He wraps one arm around my waist as the other hand holds the back of my head.