#I’m aware I’m being a hypocrite by being vague

[luckytidbit]

Food for thought.

Ok so I've seen an anonymous ask on someone’s blog recently about people being rude in the unwind community, (which first of all, if you’re being rude, shame on you.) I've seen mention of, actually no I’ll take it verbatim. “I like scrolled by multiple of peoples posts and fics about like theories and stuff, and most of them have people getting mad over them or feeling the need to prove it wrong? Like I get it, but it's just an idea 😭”  This community is pretty small and I haven’t seen any other unwind theory posts lately (Unless this person is talking about ao3, I’m not on there.), so I’m left to assume this ask is about the “Connor’s brain coping after his unwinding theory.” And the reblog I left on it, so let’s break that down shall we?

Personally, I grew up on Film and Game Theory so I’ve never seen debunking a theory as something that’s rude, just a part of a community helping another have the correct facts. Which by the way, @korokeea, if I’ve upset you, I am deeply sorry, it was never my intention to do so. My reblog was supposed to be seen as playful banter. (Side note, dream endings are very amateur, don’t do them unless you know what you’re doing. Even I wouldn’t do them, (I think I’m amateur anyway <:D.))

Also wanted to add that I should be using tone indicators, and that also I’ve seen examples of people whose first language isn’t English not understanding Western satire, so my apologies if I’ve confused you.

Now that I’ve addressed the main point, there was also something else I wanted to bring up.

This is obviously a parody of LIVE SLUG REACTION I used to add to my reblogs of Conland content (Connor x Roland), I also might have confused people doing this. I don’t think Conland is anyone’s cup of tea, personally, I see it as a crack ship that lives rent-free in my head, but I can understand how I could’ve confused someone. I honestly do like A Dog With A Bird At Your Door A Lot, even if the notes say “I hate gay people.” (Like, C’mon now Kuromi.)

Honestly, I came here to create art and not be judged for it, I have one to two irl friends that I see almost daily. The rest of it are just classmates that will turn on me the moment I say something that doesn’t fit their dialogue. (If you get what I’m saying, I have to say the right thing or they’ll look at me funny.) I’m honestly super stressed and pretty prone to anxiety right now, graduation, prom, removal of wisdom teeth via going under (anaesthesia), you name it! So you can see why I find a great sense of escapism in Tumblr.

Lastly, I wanted to say that in this community it is almost impossible to create micro-communities because of our small size. You CANNOT be vague or make inside jokes because almost everyone follows each other. On the original ask post that I first talked about, the responder mentioned a “that one guy” and my poor mutual @bopeisdope thought they could be that one guy. (Which is completely wrong, she and @lazysailor are the sweetest people I have ever met here. Oof sorry side tangent.)

Anyway If you made it through this thing, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[jenchan-writingmultis]

This was for the best, right? (Vil x Fem Reader)

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Genre: Heavy angst/ No comfort

Pairing: Vil x Fem Reader & One-sided Rook x Fem Reader

A/n: Hi! So do you guys recall the idea I had with Vil x Reader angst? So this is it! If you want to know about it first, I’ll link it (here) I hope you like this one, I gave my best effort on this, hopefully, it fits Vil, I love him so much.

Credits: The design was made by me in Canva and the art that was used is all from the Official Twisted Wonderland Cards. The line breakers are from Kaomoji dividers!

Warning: This is ANGST NO COMFORT! Panic Attacks on Vil’s side, Breakups no reconciliation, misunderstanding and Insecure Vil, relapses of Trauma on Vil’s side, talking bad about Reader’s appearance, although vague it still is there.

!PROCEED WITH CAUTION! Masterlist

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Sypnosis: Your face got leaked throughout social media when you went to have a date with your boyfriend Vil. It made him hate his reputation; he would understand if people bashed him instead, after all, he wouldn't let those words affect him, he's more worried about you, you're not used to the media watching you, having you be seen with him by paparazzi. He kept thinking of ending things with you to protect you from the backlash. ⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

He is usually unbothered by the fact that he gains hate often, he plays villainous roles, having to only reach till halfway or even before the story’s conclusion. It was normal for people to threaten him just because his character did something horrible to the main character. At least he is aware of how well he performed in acting by how despised he was. However, what he wasn’t prepared for was you being the one gaining hate. 

People are hypocrites, they cuss him out and throw the worst insults they could think of towards him, and at the same time, they view him as a perfect human who deserves someone “better for him”. He didn’t expect that his selfishness would get in the way of his relationship with you just because he wants one normal date outside of school but when one of his paparazzi caught a picture of him with you out on a simple date in Pyroxene. The picture showed your face fully without any filters, those uncouth journalists milking his fame with their horrendous illegal articles; anything to gain a higher footing in their industry than anyone else.

When he found out about the article, you two were cuddling in Pomefiore in his bedroom. He had a separate, massive bedroom since he was the housewarden, watching the film that he was recently cast in. As usual, he was given the role of a villain, it was the same old same old, except this time, the villain won, and it was satisfying to see him reach the end. He didn’t tell you though, so while you lay your head on his shoulder, watching; complimenting his looks and joking about how you’d date him even if he was that crazy.

He loves your little antics, you’re the only one who had an odd mind falling for the roles he has. “You have a peculiar taste for characters sweetheart” He wrapped his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer while you giggled. 

“Funny how I’m dating you” You cuddled closer to him, what you said earned you a playful glare. He was about to tickle you as punishment, but his phone suddenly vibrated, showing the name of his manager, he went to kiss your forehead before he untangled himself off you; “Give me a second, I’ll take this call real quick” he informed you which you gave a nod, letting him out of the bedroom and to his bathroom. 

"What is it?"He examined himself in the mirror, fixing his hair while his manager spoke, "Vil, check what I sent you, it's a link." Vil glanced at his phone and clicked on the article, wondering what it was, he waited for a bit, and as soon as it finished loading his heart drops.

“Famous actor Vil Schoenheit caught dating!” It was a stupid title, but he didn’t give any thought about It, fearing for the worst he scrolled further, finding your face unblurred on it. “What is the meaning of this?” he frowned, gripping his phone before his manager answered. 

“I’m not sure how they found out about the café you and your lover frequent but I’m trying to track down the owner of the article and threaten them with a lawsuit, but with how the media eats up everything, I’m afraid the damage has been done” Vil could hear rustling from the other end his manager taking out which he thinks is paperwork, most likely about the process of lawsuit, he was growing restless as he looked at how many comments and likes did the article gain. He didn’t even notice that his Magicam was being blown up by “fans” questioning him for his taste, and criticizing you. 

He was starting to feel chills around his body when he continued to investigate the whole thing, Vil was close to having a panic attack, gripping the edge of the sink. He tried to calm himself down, remembering what his father taught him. 

“Deep breath in, deep breath out” he recalled, causing him to loosen his grip a bit and relax. A knock on his door snapped him out of his thoughts when he faintly hears you from outside. 

“Vil? Are you okay? You’re taking a while there” you asked which he straightened himself up, composing himself before looking at his phone, who still had his manager on call. “I’ll have you deal with this; I need to go.” He walked to the door opening it after his manager agreed and ended the call.

“Sorry, it was just a minor nuisance at work” He smiled at you, he was a good actor but when it comes to you sometimes, he can’t seem to lie. “Are you sure? You sounded pretty agitated when I went to check on you” You touched his hand, entangling your fingers with his, which made him sigh. 

“it’s…” he hesitated for a moment; does he tell you? He can’t drag you into all of this, he was planning to have it stay hidden till the article was gone, but at the same time, you’re bound to know about it once your friends find out and question you about it.

“Can we talk?” He finally caved in, gazing at you with a mixture of worry in his eyes; how could you say no to that? 

When you found out about the article, Vil was worried that you’d be upset at him, not once did your expression change when he was explaining it. He didn’t expect you to smile and kiss his cheek, telling him that “it’s okay, the media will die down on it, at least if they found out, they won’t bat an eye if we go on dates more publicly, right?” you told him.

He was amazed with how well you handled the news; what about the possibility of receiving backlash? No, actually you both were receiving backlash already. “You’ll have to stop using social media for a while and deactivate it just to be safe” he warned you, looking at you for any signs of distress, he was concerned that you were just hiding it, you’re not someone who’s made to handle the eyes of strangers, he thinks you might not even understand what it means to have your face be doxed by media. 

"Darling," he said, enveloping you in his embrace, which you gladly returned. He said, "Listen, this is the media we're talking about," stepping back to look directly into your eyes. You'll be receiving insults left and right, and I worry that if your friends choose to drop you because of our reputation, it will negatively impact you. I'm capable of managing myself and safeguarding you from the public eye, but what if this also concerns your friends?" he knew that the possibility of your close friends dropping you for something trivial like this was unlikely to happen but there’s still a possibility. 

“If they drop me for something so stupid, I guess they don’t deserve to be my friend,” you said firmly, “Vil, I don’t mind this," You replied firmly, "but it seems like you’re bothered by it” You pointed out, touching his face, it was true, he is bothered by it, he’s scared of the outcome, he’s afraid that every day when you go out in public, people will try to hurt you or coerce you into doing something you don’t like.

“Once the article is down, it’ll fizzle out” You comforted him, noticing that his breathing started getting a bit ragged. Was it really going to stop once that article was taken down? There might be people who saved that article and reposted it. 

In the next few days, you two would often just stay within school grounds, Night Raven College is big enough for you two to roam around and have your usual dates; Despite his frequent work schedule and dormitory maintenance, he still made time to have meals with you. During those times, everyone seemed to keep testing his patience, when he was on set, his unprofessional coworkers kept festering him about you, and when outside, he felt restricted, not being able to walk freely without eyes catching him, so he was advised by his manager to use his car to go back to school and work. He kept his social media muted as well; he couldn’t scroll around Magicam cause every article in those past few days has been nothing but hatred towards you.

“That woman looks so average, what the hell did Vil see in her?”

“Honestly, I would even accept if he’s gay for Neige, whenever those two are together they look so cute!”

“She looks like an extra://” 

Comment after comment of users trashing your looks, your whole being even without knowing you.

It angers him, so for the sake of his mental health and yours, he made sure that you also kept your social media muted, although often, he saw you scrolling on it, reading the comments, or just chatting with your friends. 

He doesn’t understand why you do it, it frustrates him a bit when you do, but he couldn’t tell you to just delete social media entirely, he’s not toxic.  

During lunchtime, he was late to meet you, rushing through the cafeteria, he found you with Deuce and Ace, chatting away. He was going to greet you till he heard what Ace said.

“Hey, aren’t you gonna stop this act?” he munched on his egg sandwich while Deuce looked at Ace like he had just grown a second head. 

“What the hell are you talking about Ace” Deuce said before Ace glared back at him. “I mean! Being unbothered by whatever nonsense Magicam’s got on. You have your face everywhere and people are talking smack about it!” He pointed out in which, Vil couldn’t even see what your expression was right now. "If I were you, I’d confront him about why his agency hasn't gotten to the bottom of this." Deuce wanted to hit Ace that time, but it was true, both your friends were confused as to why it continued to circulate. 

“You don’t have to listen to Ace” Deuce paused, not knowing where this could possibly lead to what he meant. “It’s okay, I understand the concern.” You voiced out, placing the fork down, fiddling with your fingers, “It does affect me, but It’s not Vil’s fault that It got way out of hand.” 

Vil frowned, hearing that, so it did affect you, why didn’t you tell him? Was it because of his incompetence? He thought about how many times you told him that it was okay, that you didn’t mind it. He knew that the article was stupid, but the evidence was evidence to journalists, and that caused you to be in the middle of the crossfire between him and his “fans”. 

Was it worth sacrificing your peace dating him? He smiled bitterly to himself, how stupid of him to have these kinds of thoughts. He looked at his phone, he was going to send you a message that he was in the cafeteria but decided to go against it. 

“I don’t think I can make it. You can go eat.” He sent the message before leaving the cafeteria and going back to the dormitory, he needed some time for himself. 

When he reached his living quarters, he sat down on his bed, noticing the way the curtains were covering any light coming inside. It was like the state of his mind currently, he didn’t feel like doing his daily routine today, which is funny, if he didn’t push himself to keep a perfect image, he would be nothing but average; but if he did look average, would that give both of you the pleasure of living a normal life? 

He scoffed to himself, he can’t just throw his career away, he needs it for your future; both your futures, he stood up, grabbing all the necessary cream, face powder, and other stuff for his face, but the moment he saw himself, looking tired, he stiffened up. Will there be a future where the two of you would be together?

Vil didn’t realize that he started to avoid you. His bedroom was inaccessible, you would knock on his door, but he wouldn’t confront you. Staying silent and just waiting till the knocking subsided and you were out. 

He still showed up to needed House warden meetings, or event planning, he did his duties as usual, he just didn’t do his duties being your boyfriend. 

It was as if his insecurities when he was younger were relapsing whenever he thought of talking with you, was it okay to talk to you right now? He still thinks it’s not the right timing. He isn’t his usual self right now and he doesn’t want to risk doing anything bad. 

However, it breaks his heart to see the sorrow in your eyes when you meet him and to see him neglect you. He was aware that the distance between you and his unwillingness to communicate about the situation was making your relationship unstable. 

After three days of no contact, he was on top of Pomefiore’s garden, he missed you dearly, he gazed down to see his dormmates having tea under the recently renovated garden, then he noticed someone familiar within the garden, focusing his eyes on it, it was you! You looked… happy? 

That was the smile that you usually only reserve for him, what’s going on? Vil thought to himself, confused as he ripped his eyes off you, only to notice Rook Hunt, touching you the way you would with a lover, giving you a gaze he never saw from Rook, but he knew what that was.

Rook liked you, both of them did, but he decided to step down in favor of letting Vil court you. He knew that feelings would never fade that easily but he didn't expect to see this sight. You two looked so perfect for each other, his hand touching yours as if you were having the time of your life, even without him. He clawed the railing of the balcony, not feeling his fingernails scrape the paint off of it, his eyes blurring as he walked away, fearing that he might fall if he ever passed out. His heartbeats were the only sound he could hear, aside from the static his ears were hearing. 

“Breathe.” 

He fell back into his bedroom, feeling his whole body shiver as he grips on his arm, numb to the pain that his nails were digging into his flesh. Cold sweat trickled down his face, he didn’t know if he was even breathing or not, his brain foggy, like an impending doom was going to happen if he once tried to “breathe.”

Vil ended up passing out, and unfortunately, the moment he woke up, it was already 5 am, he jolted awake, standing up, hearing a continuous knock from his door, He flinched as his head throbbed, touching it gently to try to ease his headache, he moved to the door, opening it, not expecting to see the person he least wants to see.

“Roi de Poison” Rook greets him, smiling brightly at him, Irritating. “I noticed you haven’t gotten up and gone to work yet, did you take a sick leave?” Rook continued, his voice filled with worry, he was about to fix the hair covering Vil’s face when he got his hand slapped away, startling him, he noticed the way Vil’s eyes darkened a bit.

“I’m fine” Vil affirmed, groaning a bit, he pinched the bridge of his nose as another headache hit his head again. “I’ll get ready, for the meantime, please take care of the dorm in my absence” He continued, replying curtly as he slammed the door shut before Rook could even say anything, He was sure that Rook would do as he says, if he didn’t, he’ll find a new vice housewarden. 

Vil was already late for work, his disheveled look was barely noticeable but his manager noticed the slight imperfection in it. She walked up to him, fixing the sleeves of his outfit. “You’re late Mr. Schoenheit” She buttoned the sleeves, waiting for a response from Vil, who just sighed, “I apologize, something came up, can we start?”

You were getting worried, Rook went to your dorm, telling you about the state of Vil and that he was worse for wear, you decided that this time, you were going to visit and you were going to talk to him even if he didn't want to. It’s been dragging on for too long—the avoidance of your lover and the media is hurting you. You need to do something before your relationship reaches a breaking point.

When you arrived at the modeling agency where Vil works, you were graciously allowed in. You were familiar to those at the agency; some supported you, while others did not. However, the only support you needed was Vil's.

The moment you stepped inside the photoshoot, you saw Vil, working with another model, he looked gorgeous as always, although it seemed that he was tired; it was unusual for him to be in a state where it was obvious.

The manager noticed you before she ushered you further in, just to get nearer where Vil could see you, and Vil froze, stopping the shooting when he saw your face. 

“I’m going to take a break,” he said to the crew members, seeing you, his gaze remained unfazed, “Let’s talk on the lounge” he murmured, walking past you.

You didn’t know what else to do but follow him, understanding that Vil wasn’t feeling well. The moment the two of you were alone, he went to give you apple juice, the one that Epel’s family sells, you give a gentle smile to him, but he didn’t reciprocate. It made your heart ache. 

“What do you need?” he asked, sitting down on the opposite side of you. Reluctant to look at him, you fixed your gaze on the apple juice. “Are you feeling alright?” you asked, which made Vil chuckle, “That’s a funny question Y/n” 

“I just wanted to know, You’ve been avoiding me for a while and-“You were cut off by Vil who placed the half-empty apple juice on the table. “I just needed some time to think, plus we agreed to lay low” He answered, which frustrated you “Vil, I heard from Rook that you turned up late during work" you were feeling nervous, and for the first time, your lover made you uneasy. "that never happened before,” you said, wanting to touch his hand, but he pulled it away, his eyes showing a trace of betrayal.

“What?” he asked, heart breaking as he looked at you, “Rook told you?”

“Of course he did, he’s a close friend of yours!” you protested, feeling a sense of desperation when Vil kept rejecting you, for the past few weeks, or months? You don’t know, but it’s been so long since you two last saw each other and stared at each other for more than just a glance, now you’re on the receiving end of his glare?

“You…” Vil murmured, before he finally let his body relax, his expression turning soft. “I think we should break things off.”

“What?” you gasped, gripping on the apple juice a little bit too hard, “Vil- “

“Why?” 

Why? Vil wanted to answer why, there were plenty of reasons why, you two were just way too different, and the fact that if he pursued this relationship further, it’d hurt both of you more. It was clear that Rook liked you and you liked Rook, what is there to continue this relationship? Plus, the media will continue to see you as inferior, this will continue for a lifetime, and no matter what he can’t see why and how your relationship with him will continue without it getting toxic. He finally understood that he is way too much for you, his feelings would slowly wrap you around vines that contain poison, HIS poison. He was thinking of the future, and he can’t see it going beyond the challenges you two face. 

He eventually responded, "I lost interest, I’m sorry, we both should focus on our careers first” He lied, not looking at you as well, you both were too hurt to even gaze at each other. You didn’t move or talk, so he decided to stand up, fixing his attire and looking cold. “I’ll be leaving now, hopefully, we can put this all behind us, I’ll have a taxi be ready to get you home when you’re ready.” he said, his heart aching, he wanted to hold you, but he stopped himself, “Just talk to the manager when you plan to leave” he continued, turning around before leaving the lounge.  

The moment you left, the manager went up to him excitedly, he didn’t feel like celebrating at all when he found out that they tracked down who the journalist is and are now filing a lawsuit against them; at least on a positive note, you were out of the picture, out of the prying eyes of the media. 

This was for the best, he thought to himself, feeling numb while he felt his chest tighten when he went back to work.

Word Count: 3418

[hymnoeides]

almost got into a fistfight online today because people were ragging on odysseus and saying he was a hypocrite for being upset that eury killed helios’ cattle when he killed the cyclops’ sheep. HE DIDNT KNOW!!!!!! HE THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST RANDOM SHEEP!!!!!!! EURY KNEW THE CATTLE WERE THE FUCKING SUN GOD’S CATTLE!!!!!!!! Ok im calm again. i’m just a passionate ody lover and bark when people are mean. like dude thats the king of ithaca. 💢💢💢

STAAANDDD UPPPP ANON!!!!🗣️🗣️ SPEAK UR TRUTHS. Sure there are facepalm worthy moments all throughout, but it’s all very much human of them in the end imo.

Especially so in the original Odyssey (which I know it’s different from Epic canon, but I want to yap now that we’re here sorry) Odysseus and Polyphemus’ scene is known by many as a prime example of the violation of xenia not from Odysseus, but Polyphemus. Odysseus and his crew, sure, went into the Cyclops’ home to kill and take some sheep, but they were actually aware that it was someone’s abode. When you show up to someone’s house as a guest, you’re expected to be fed. Maybe they were a bit impatient with taking the sheep? Well they were a hungry bunch🤷 Not to mention the wine Odysseus had and offered Polyphemus? If I recall correctly rn, it was in fact all intentional as a trade. Odysseus and the group willingly stayed in Polyphemus’ cave for him to come back to do the trade instead of just running off with the sheep. They didn’t know Polyphemus was a monster that had no regards for the laws and the doom that would follow.

Even in Epic, Odysseus tried to reconciled what they’ve done with the gift of wine. Polyphemus chose not to take it properly as an exchange and even mocked them with the ‘you’ll be the last to die’. If you really wanted to choose something to fault Odysseus with there, his hubris is right there!!!! Just a man at the end of the day, what can I say. This concept of violating xenia very much comes back with the suitors, their treatment of beggar Odysseus especially, but I’ll spare you the geeking out. Adding on, ik the concept of time is vague in Epic and it definitely was a lot shorter judging Mutiny, but in the og, the crew were literally stranded on the island for a month iirc. They were constantly starving. Hunger can be a strong motivator. I also wouldn’t be surprised if the crew were also lowkey so low on hopes they would ever get home that it was very easy for them to break, but I digress ajsjakaja

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #38 – Play It As It Lays by Joan Didion

Didion is one of those canonical authors I always feel like I should already have read at some point (isn’t that what high school English class was supposed to be for). Of course this was a very vague feeling, and not attached to a single scrap of actual information about her and her work beyond the general time period and cultural milieu – so I grabbed this from the library and started it entirely blind (partially my own fault for skipping the introduction by a different and much worse author tbf). Fascinating book, artistically successful and emotionally affective, but not one I’m able to say I really found enjoyable, or even necessarily beautiful (it’s no Giovanni’s Room, to compare another bit of canonical latter-20th century high literature).

The book follows Maria Wyeth, an (increasingly former) actress in 1960s Hollywood, through her slow decline from up and coming starlet and wife of a prestigious young director to an enforced retirement as an isolated upscale sanitarium/hospital resort. Which is hardly a spoiler – the book starts at the end and jumps through the timeline freely, and in any case the whole thing feels telegraphed to the point of inevitability. Maria’s life in LA is contrasted with how she grew up in a tiny desert town in Nevada, so small it at some point stopped existing, and in the process more or less gives you the narrative of her life.

Which is as close to a plot as the book has, really. Maria and her internal monologue are the near-sole focus, and her view of the outside world and what’s happening around her basically always says more about her than the world. Watching Maria’s life falls apart really is watching a car crash in slow motion – you’re never really surprised at any point, but the shearing metal and flesh are hard to look away from.

The book’s very much capital-l Literature, here meaning that the style and prose is at least half the reason to read the book. The story’s told through short vignettes (I’m not sure a singe chapter was more than ten pages, whereas the vast majority were two or three) and the deliberate, generous use of white space, both figurative and literal. Maria is pretty relentless in her self-deception and lack of self-awareness, and in any case is quiet elusive and vague with descriptions of people and events – reading between the lines is quite necessary. This overall really does work for me - the imagery is vivid and memorable, and Maria’s head is a compelling and believable place to be.

It’s also just intolerable. I have no particular issue with deeply unsympathetic, tragically unselfaware, or wince-inducingly self-destructive characters, but Maria sure is all three of those to a degree I rarely see. More than that, she is just profoundly passive. It is, for me at least, far easier to be invested in operatic delusion and hubris leading to ruination than a just resolutely thoughtless and pettily cruel person letting her life rot around her. Which is a failure of literary empathy on my part, probably, but did make this a somewhat frustrating book to read. You’re left want to scream at Maria to just do something (anything!) that she isn’t led to by people around her like an ornery goat to water.

This is probably exacerbated by the supporting cast. Who are all very much portrayed as hopeless, clueless gamblers and unprincipled, hypocritical Hollywood decadents,, absolutely – but despite that, keep trying to reach out and offer her lifelines or support. Which is mostly surprising because she might literally not say a single kind word to another human being in the entire book, is relentlessly caustic in her internal monologue, and sure isn’t doing favours or advancing the career of anybody. The real tension of the book ends up not being whether or not she’ll destroy her life and more how long before everyone around her just lets her.

It’s a blisteringly cynical novel overall, really – both in its portrayal of individual characters and of society as a whole. I joked while reading it that it felt like American Psycho without a Patrick Bateman, and while that’s a bit too far – everyone’s still very recognizably human, most of whom do care about at least a few things besides status symbols and dick measuring contests – but the portrayals of Hollywood and Wall Street certainly feel like they rhyme.

Though the implicit politics of that cynicism do feel do feel very different here. Very possibly because the back cover called it something like ‘a blistering satire of the excesses of the ‘60s’ (paraphrasing from memory), but the book definitely ended up feeling very (socially) conservative, full of worries about broken families and marriages of convenience and just generally decadence. The whole plot where Maria gets a motel-room abortion to deal with the consequences of her affair which almost kills her, sends her spiralling into months of total, life-ruining depression, and destroys her relationship with both her husband and her paramour feels like something you’d only see coming out today in explicit pro-life propaganda, for example; certainly it’s a trope I’ve seen complained about more than (until now) I’ve ever actually seen done. The fact that Maria’s foremost redeeming feature is always her love for and desire to be with her (disabled and permanently hospitalized for vague reasons), and that the climax of the book is a suicide directly caused by infidelity, also. None of which should exactly be surprising, really – a book almost as old as my parents has dated opinions on social issues! - but for some reason I always expect canonical authors to have been free-wheeling libertines and bohemians.

Speaking of being written nearly sixty years ago – the time capsule quality of this book is positively fascinating. Which I say whenever I read something from before the millennium, but still – the ‘60s are still so profoundly mythologized I do love the chance to see anything written about them at the time, if only for ‘the past as a foreign country’ tourism reasons. The Hollywood of exploration, drug abuse, meaningless sex, vicious gossip and every combination of the above feels like it could almost be written about today, right up until the point where an easy divorce means finding an amenable judge and finding a witness to corroborate the husband’s admission of wanton emotional abuse (which becomes a stark reminder of how horrifying even a historical five minutes ago was when you consider what happens if you can’t meet any of those conditions). The illegal abortions, the utterly casual homophobia, the auteur theory being a hot new thing, the cult of the open road. It all adds up to an interesting effect.

Speaking of the cult of the open road – Maria’s only real sense of peace, happiness and self-control in the entire book is when she’s spending all day cruising the highway at dangerous speeds just for the sake of it, without itinerary or destination. No real coherent point to make, just that there’s something truly and incredibly American about that? The descriptions of the Nevada desert and highways, too.

But yeah, an expertly written novel that’s positively lovely in places (the opening monologue is near-sublime, for example), but not one that really awed or oved me the way some other literature has.

[lady-wallace]

Whumptober Day 27: Voiceless

Some Alucard whump for @whumptober today.

Prompt: Voiceless, laboratory, muzzled Fandom: Hellsing Character: Alucard

~~~~~~~

Read on Ao3

~~~~~~~

Day 27: Voiceless

An unfortunate incident leaves Alucard injured and captured by a mysterious faction who wish to use him for experimentation. Will Integra and the Hellsing organization be able to find him in time?

~~~~~~~

The fuzziness was an odd sensation. One Alucard was not familiar with. He didn’t know what had happened, why he felt this way.

He tried to move but found he couldn’t. His arms appeared to be stretched out to the sides, and he was held at the wrists in some mockery of the stigmata by something that vaguely burned

“The subject appears to be waking, Father Benedict.”

“Ah, wonderful. I have been looking forward to this moment for a long time. Finally seeing what makes Hellsing’s ultimate weapon tick.”

***

There were no formal introductions given. But Alucard parsed together enough information on his own. He seemed to be in some Vatican funded laboratory in the bowels of what he assumed were a church’s catacomb. Whatever this operation was, it was led by a man named Father Benedict; a stern, aging priest with a sharp, hypocritical eye for sinners.

The thing that bothered Alucard most was that he had little recollection of how he had ended up here. He vaguely remembered a mission, checking out a building. And after that everything fades away. The memory issues might have something to do with whatever they were pumping into him via the needle inserted into his neck. Some holy concoction of their own making, most likely.

“Just what do you think you’re going to do to Hellsing’s ultimate weapon?” Alucard asked, smirking.

The priest was nonplussed. “Furthering research into killing vampires.”

“Oh? Is that so? So you plan to torture me until you find out what you want to know? I don’t think my Master will take very kindly to you toying with her weapon.”

“Your master is the one who handed you over willingly,” the priest said with an attempt at being smug.

Alucard actually laughed, the sharp sound echoing around the stone walls.

“Really? Is that a fact, priest? The very thought of my Master Integra working with the Papists—heh, maybe you should try again. Are you not aware that lying in a sin?”

Father Benedict glowered. “It does not matter. You are not one of God’s creatures and you will die like every other vile beast of the field.”

“I could say the same for you,” Alucard said darkly. “How I will await the day that my Master comes to fetch me back and puts you in your place—a hole in unholy ground.”

The priest was obviously furious, though trying his best to hide it. He snapped at his assistant. “I’m done listening to it speak. Let’s muzzle the beast.”

Alucard laughed until they forced the muzzle over his mouth and nose. It had an inner plate made of blessed silver that was forced into his mouth, pressing against his tongue, burning. It did not break him yet though. He refused to be broken. He had had so much worse done to him than this and survived. He sneered behind the muzzle, piercing the priest with his eyes.

The man would inevitably meet the devil someday, but in the meantime, he would have to face Alucard.

***

They started with stakes. Consecrated silver, holy things, or so the priest claimed—blessed by a Cardinal or something. They stung, yes, but it was hardly consequential to Alucard. He’d had worse. It didn’t matter how many they drove into his body, through his cold heart. It would not kill a vampire as powerful as he was.

***

The holy water was next, poured into the healing holes riddling Alucard’s body once they finally pulled the stakes out. It burned, eating at his flesh before it could fully regenerate. Alucard growled behind the muzzle. This was admittedly more painful than the stakes. The smell of his acid-burned flesh wafted up, sickening.

“The sinful nature of the beast is apparent by how much it is affected,” the priest said with a cruel satisfaction.

Perhaps try pouring it over yourself and see how much better you react, Alucard would have snipped if he hadn’t been muzzled. Or does your piety truly hold up?

The burning continued, and Alucard began to worry just a bit. He had already been here for a while, and now the pain was starting to eat into his bones little by little.

Integra, he called inwardly. You had best collect your weapon before there is little left of him.

***

The holy water torture continued, with more creativity. As his wounds healed sluggishly, the priest put some into a syringe and pumped it directly into Alucard’s veins.

That was agony that he hadn’t quite expected. As he was reeling from that, his muzzle was partly removed, only for the holy water to be poured into his mouth via a funnel they shoved down his throat.

He finally screamed, his throat tearing, blood pouring from his mouth as his insides burned. He writhed against the restraints in an attempt to escape the agony.

“This method seems quite effective,” the priest noted for his assistant. “Unfortunately, it’s not the best battlefield method, but still…enlightening.”

Alucard spat a wad of bloody bile at the priest before his muzzle was shoved back over his face. He could no longer scream, only gurgle.

***

The next session, they used the holy water on his eyes.

***

Alucard had thought the blinding would be the worst thing they did to him. He knew he would heal eventually, especially with a little blood, but at the moment it was disorienting as he relied on his dulled senses to try and figure out what the priest was about to do to him next.

His muzzle was removed once again. He didn’t get the chance to spit more vitriol at the priest though before something else was shoved into his mouth, cranked until it forced his jaw open.

He had indeed thought burning his eyes out would have been the worst thing, but then he felt something closing around one of his fangs.

He growled in protest, trying to pull away, but his fang was wrenched out of his mouth with a sharp tug. Alucard screamed in desperation as the others were removed as well.

His mouth was full of blood by the time they were finished, and he slumped in the restraints.

“Now the great weapon is just a dog with no fangs,” the priest said with cruel satisfaction.

Blood dripped down Alucard’s chin. He had no reply. He had nothing. He felt himself drifting, and this time he didn’t bother to stop it.

***

He was woken by the sound of gunfire.

He still could not see, but he could sense a familiar presence.

Integra…

“Alucard!”

Hands briefly pressed to his cheeks before ripping off the muzzle. “My God, Alucard,” Integra breathed before shouting, “Help me get him down from here, dammit!”

She ripped out the needle that was still administering the drug to him.

More figures approached hurriedly. The chains holding Alucard were released and he slumped forward with a soft moan, caught by several hands before he was lowered to the floor.

“Go fetch a stretcher,” Integra said firmly.

“Can walk….” Alucard slurred.

“Hush,” Integra whispered, her hand on his face again, thumb just brushing the burns around his eyes. “They’ll burn for what they did to you. All of them will.”

Her fire bolstered him a bit, offering a little strength. “My Master,” he sighed wearily.

“Easy, Alucard, allow me to give you some blood.”

He felt her shift and heard a knife opening before the scent of Integra’s blood hit his nostrils.

He leaned forward eagerly and Integra cradled the back of his head, holding him upright as she pressed her bleeding arm to his mouth.

“Drink as much as you need,” she told him, running a hand through his matted hair. “You will heal, correct?”

Alucard hummed. “Yes…with time.”

“Then until then, rest easy,” Integra said softly as he lapped at her arm. “It’s my turn to watch over you.”

[th3-unseen-backup]

02/26/2015 21:05:23 PST

>SEEK: Search “Deacon Keller”.

>Searching...

>Unable to locate individual(s).

>Reconnecting with “Deacrophone”, please stand by…

>Connected.

>Automatic transcription protocol initiating, please stand by…

>Start.

[Rumbling of tires against asphalt and of wind against carrosserie. Occasional clicking of a turn signal, gentle murmur of a radio put way down low – 102.7 KISS FM maybe? Otherwise silence goes on for 11 minutes, 2 seconds.] 

UNKNOWN: Don’t worry, I’m not taking you anywhere to kill you. 

[Finally, tires screech against asphalt. Engine ceases with a click, followed by the sound of a seatbelt undone, driver seat belt missing alarm chirps on for a bit until door opens, closes. Then, closer now, another door opens.]

UNKNOWN: Come on, Keller. 

[Ruffling, a seatbelt clicking open, and a final slam of a door followed by two sets of footsteps, one steady, the other irregular. A light push, and a grunt.]

UNKNOWN: Delivery, one sheriff.

Bennett, A. : (Dryly) Thank you, Jerome. And again, I am sorry for the inconvenience.

Jerome Smith !!! : [A sigh.] It's fine. Magnus is alright, a bit injured, but alright. I'm fine, physically. Keller's got some powerful disciplines that's for sure. [A pause.] How was London?

Bennett, A. : It was exhausting, and honestly humiliating at times, but I got what I needed.

Smith, J. : Yeah. You can tell me more about it if you want, when there aren't ears listening. 

[A pause. they know :> but also they know ? :| ]

Smith, J. : I have a question. Are you aware of how he found our address?

Bennett, A. : I assumed he got it in the police database, but I could be wrong. I'm actually not aware of how much information on civilians cops usually have access to, but knowing the government overreaches I've seen in my lifetime in this country, I wouldn't be surprised. [Pause.] And for what I've found back home, for now, I'd rather keep my cards close to my chest, and out of Grimslayer sights. I'm sure you understand.

Smith, J. : Yeah, I get that. [Throat clears.] Welp, thanks for taking him. I didn't want to just leave him tied up on the streets in case another hunter saw him and took the chance. I'm going to be vampire-proofing the house a lot more to prevent things like this from happening again. He was able to take a bite of Magnus, but luckily didn't turn him or anything. Probably just took some blood. [A pause.] Whatever you two have going on, you better figure it out soon. I have a sneaking suspicion that is what influenced this fight, and I would prefer not to deal with another one. I'll try to keep Magnus away from Keller in the meantime.

Bennett, A. : [Sigh.] I'm going to be honest, Jerome, regardless of his... issues with me, he is responsible for his actions. I tried to explain everything to him, but you know how I am... I've never been the best with words. 

Smith, J. : [He snorts.] You could say that again. Yeah, I get it. But I'm gonna make sure that you know Magnus is the same way. He's his own person, and you know how he gets when he gets determined to do something. We all have our own reasons for doing what we do. [Another sigh.] I apologize for being a bit blunt. I didn't sleep last night and only took a two hour nap earlier, which didn't help much.

Bennett, A. : [A sharp exhale, vaguely resembling a laugh.] I'd be a hypocrite if I couldn't handle bluntness. Regardless, I am painfully aware of Magnus's autonomy. But you've got a better handle on him than I do on Deacon. I barely know him.

Smith, J. : [A sigh.] Yeah, I know. But I don't have anyone else to turn to when it comes to Keller. [A pause.] Welp, I guess I'll be heading out. [Closer to the microphone.] Keller, I fully expect you to pay for the damages that you have done to our front door when you broke it down. If not, I will sue you for breaking and entering without a warrant.

Keller, D. : [Huff.] Sure.

Smith, J. :  Good night, gentlemen. [Footsteps in dried grass.] 

Keller, D. : [Silence.] Will you untie me?

Bennett, A. : [A pause.] Yea, yes, of course. Wait a second.  [Shuffling of clothes, subtle click of a pocket knife and the grinding of a blade against rope.] Can you walk?

Keller, D. : Thanks. [Tearing of fabric.] Yes, I can walk. [One step, then a thud.] 

Bennett, A . : No, you cannot. [Rustling of dried grass.] I could carry you, if you'd prefer. (Softly) But I'm guessing your ego couldn't take that, could it? 

Keller, D. : [Silence, interrupted by the shifting of bodies against each other and the rustling of fabric and dried grass.] Let’s go for the police station, I guess. (Coldly) It's the closest place that I have blood stored, besides my apartment, and I'll need to heal before I can walk again.

Bennett, A . : (Tenderly) Alright.

[Footsteps together, obviously at least two but only discernible as one.]

>End transcription.

>

>...|

>Store “deacon arthur blind date.txt” in Folder:”word on the street” under Directory: ME :3

[solar-halos]

please forgive me bc even though i won’t be planet of the apes posting i WILL be apes posting which i think is arguably worse

i am like so obsessed w learning abt apes rn. which is probably bc of how much i’ve been enjoying the planet of the apes movies but also they’re just interesting in general. so here are my thoughts

1. ok so i literally just learned the difference between an ape and a monkey just a couple weeks ago (most notable difference is that *most* monkeys have tails and no apes have tails) but it’s still a pet peeve of mine when there’s a youtube thumbnail that’s like “monkey reacts to [whatever human is going]” and it’s literally a shot of like a gorilla or chimpanzee or something. but also im a hypocrite bc i still use those terms interchangeably in my head

2. chimpanzees are fucking crazy. maybe this will be a bit about planet of the apes bc why’d they switch the personalities of caesar and koba 😭😭 like were they tryna bring up a nature vs nurture debate or WHAT bc koba was stacking up BODIES and not in a sexual way. which might sound weird until you realize that bonobos (aka koba) settle all their problems with sex. two bonobos want the same piece of fruit? sex. two bonobos having an argument? hug it out. two neighboring bonobo societies? the meetup is fucking obscene. chimpanzees on the other hand will literally create organized groups and if they see a lone male they will beat the shit out of him. infantcide is also rlly common (against neighboring societies i mean, chimpanzees live in a polygynandrous (or however tf u spell it??) to avoid that problem). also did u know that bonobos were originally called “pygmy chimpanzees” bc they looked so much like a smaller branch of chimpanzees we just thought they were the same species? i literally thought that koba was a chimpanzee too lol

3. gorillas are literally chill as hellll. take what im saying w a grain of salt though bc i’ve only done research on chimpanzees (in my defense it was for an assignment ok im not THAT obsessed) but i think it’s so cool that they’re not only aware of how strong they are but that they know how much force to use around smaller animals so they won’t hurt them. im explaining that horribly but basically let’s take koko as an example. ill get into the ethical issues w koko later but basically she was a gorilla born and raised in captivity that was taught sign language and there was one handler that she spent ALL her time with. she was also fed a human diet but that’s beside the point 😭😭 she was like 300 or 400 pounds (something like that…) and like even when she got excited when she was playing or leaned on her handler to give her a hug she was SO gentle about it. i think there was only one instance i saw where her handler was like “gentle, koko, gentle” but i think that’s when koko was little. also, her obsessions w kittens was cute but it did make me anxious watching her hold them. not cos i thought she’d crush/hurt them, just cos it reminded me of that kid that invades a kittens personal space until that kitten snaps, which koko was very much giving

4. with that being said, i don’t believe koko could actually talk. i get that if gorillas/apes in general could speak english they probably would just say “i would like food, please” but to me i feel like koko signing that she wants food is the same as when my dog used to wake me up and tug at the seal of her dog food. like, koko is absolutely communicating her needs, but she’d do that with or without sign language. also, the handler does do a good job of explaining kokos vague signs and assigning more complex meaning to them. like, do i think koko was smart? absolutely! do i think she needs to know human language to be smart? no. also i read something that was like “research about teaching apes asl has been declining recently” like.. yeah. i sure hope it has. like i’m not gonna sit here and say that koko was abused or whatever bc at the end of the day the only thing i know about her handler (aka penny) is that she was a fucking weirdo and bought michael (kokos bestie) and another female gorilla through some SKETCH poacher, but idk how she treated koko specifically. i do think it’s fucked up that koko spent her whole life basically alone though, esp since gorillas are such social animals. i think we base so much worth around if an ape is smart “like a human” that we ignore the fact that gorillas will never be human and humans will never be gorillas. again im not explaining this well but even though we’re human that doesn’t automatically mean we’re gonna be better caretakers for a literal gorilla. also about koko wanting a baby… girl i have no doubt that she did and i think it’s rlly sad that she never got one. but at the same time i think it’s so funny that her handler was like “we negotiated hella with other zoos but they just WOULDNT send over a male gorilla” um yeah girl prob cos you’re sketch as fuck… just a thought

5. anyway enough about koko. orangutans are so chill. like the chillest. maurice is my fav ape from planet of the apes and its literally cos he says so much yet so little. male orangutans have fatty cheeks but some males choose not to have them so i convinced my family that raka was a female orangutan. idk why they literally didn’t care one way or another so that was kinda fucked up. they’re also the epitome of solitary creatures they kinda only meet up when they wanna reproduce.

6. tbh that’s it. i had more to say when i was in my very fleeting lions and tigers era so like maybe im not as obsessed w apes as i thought. but looking back i did type a lot of stuff so i guess that’s just the consequence of being single. i’m kinda like an orangutan that way. also here’s my fav orangutan video bc imagine you’re just a single mother trying to provide for ur family and some fucking freak of nature tries to conspire against u. it’s like the fnaf of the animal kingdom

7. i guess there’s something else i wanna bring up. the original planet of the apes movies focus on three apes in particular: gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans. the gorillas are soldiers, portrayed as aggressive and brutish and dumb, which… i get it. guerrilla (aka gorilla) warfare. clever. very smart. i’m still clutching the stitch at my side. then the orangutans are political leaders, which… huh? like i remember in divergent the author was like “it’s best to give power to those who don’t want it bc then they’re least likely to abuse it” but like… that orangutan bitch was so obsessed w keeping the power exactly where it was. and then the chimpanzees being pacifists… what? like idk maybe they were making a joke or something bc they had to know that chimpanzees are brutal asf for no reason. or maybe they just needed to pick an ape to be a pacifist and they chose that one

8. speaking of the movie… the bit where they all worshipped the atomic bomb was crazyyyy. rlly shows u where their heads were at in the 60s. what i think is interesting tho is that the original planet of the apes are rated G (at least where i watched it) and then the new ones are pg-13 even though taylor literally was like “ummm yeah we had a female astronaut with us and lucky for her she died bc if she did survive we all would have had sex with her and made her have all our children.” um… okay! now that i’m thinking abt it modern planet of the ape beastality enthusiasts need to get on the original movies bc there’s literally three separate instances of apes kissing humans! but maybe they wouldn’t like that bc the ape characters are obviously just humans in costumes, which i bet would ruin the appeal for them. with that being said, im done with this rant now

[justahopelessaromantic]

In your dreams, kid (Ch. 2: early to rise)

Fandom: Omori Timeline: Post Good Ending Ships: Suntan (Sunny/Kel) Links to First and Next Chapter List of Accompanying Playlists for this Fic Pinterest Moodboard for this Fic Summary: Under Sunny’s hypocritical, well-intentioned advice, Kel puzzled over his mental checklist as the bruised house drifted out of sight, now a grey blur. An assortment of surgery, artery-clogging snacks? Check! Mixtape Sunny made special for him, covered in little red hearts and a doodle of the two of them holding hands? Check (No, actually, he will not read into that, thank you for asking). An 8-pack of Monster so Aubrey wouldn’t fall asleep at the wheel while he drives her mad with alien conspiracies and iSpy all night? Check! (Sunny downed three, the absolute madman, before they even stepped foot in the car, but he figured it still counted) Homework? ...check. An excuse for stealing Ms. Suzuki’s car, running away with her son and "future daughter-in-law", and showing up at his incredibly busy brother’s dorm room? You know, something even remotely better than “You sounded like you were about to cry over the phone last night and you don’t cry and I’m so worried and distracted and madly in love with you, I simply had to come check on you, so...Surprise!” ...He’d check that one off sometime before they got there. Probably.

If Aubrey stuck to her early jogging routine like she once stuck to Mari or Basil’s insomnia didn’t feel like lending itself any rest, there was a good chance they’d spot his widened eyes from the stairs and ask about a supposed morning. Kel, of course, would say no, but he’d take note of the thin hue of light draped over the sky, since that basically meant it was sunrise, which basically meant it was morning.

To him, at least.

Kel was intrinsically aware that “morning” meant going out and getting…something, but putting together mental to-do lists was hard on good days. Harder still with bony arms gingerly wrapped around him in a vain attempt to stop Kel’s trembling, whispering scripted yet sincere sweet nothings. The hands on his back were embarrassingly welcome, yet so hesitant, only daring to brush over the cotton fabric, tickling rather than soothing. The effort, as always, was appreciated. Even his gentle rocking back and forth feels awkward, like Sunny never learned quite how to shift his weight right.

Like he was the one used to being held.

...Oh. Oh, boy.

He was probably about to cross some boundaries today. Maybe even upset Sunny. God, he hoped not. He could hear the signature pitter-patter of a wild Basil from the living room, the clang and clatter of nervous hands finally quieting. They didn’t seem stable enough to handle two friends close to tears.

Still though. He always had questions (Hero used to gush over that. Called it a “learner mindset!” His teachers were less impressed). If he didn’t get an answer today, he’ll be restless all morning, and no one liked a restless Kel besides Kel (and Aubrey, when she was looking to pick a fight).

“Heh,” Kel prayed his sleepy voice didn’t make that sound forced. “Mari teach you all this?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Ah.”

Something anxious and kinda pushy in the back of his head told him to add something about being totally fine now, no worries, man. Maybe some kinda vague, tongue-in-cheek “no homo” joke to make sure Sunny didn’t read any farther into this blatant cuddling. You know, with “ENJOYING HIS WAY TOO MUCH FOR A STRAIGHT MAN” practically stamped in bold red ink on his massive forehead.

The impulsive dumbass with too much control in his head felt it appropriate (for some ungodly reason) to comment on how this was the perfect atmosphere for a first kiss. The nerve-wracking silence made shutting him up difficult, but Kel was always up for a challenge.

Still, his touch-starved ass was taking any distraction from that lingering dream he could get his slick hands on. He buried his nose further into the black shoulder strap instead. Sunny seemed satisfied with that answer, hummed in response. Hummed again, and again, and again, and…

Oh, Kel knew this song!

...Well, not by name, but he knew Mari and Sunny’s songs when he heard it. Their duet, Mari called it. Close enough. Kel had a feeling Sunny would rather he not know the title. He seemed determined to keep it a sibling thing, something he could share with her beyond the grave. Kel could respect that.

Despite the raspy texture of grogginess and selective mutism, he carried each note with such loving precision. Like a musician who loved their job more than their well-being. Kel knew how dangerous dwelling over her memory in public was, (stupid overemotional bullshit, worrying anyone who caught him!), but, hey. It was late (well, it felt late), and the strongest image of her floating around in his head at the moment was too unnerving to really tinker with. So, using a faint memory of their impromptu duet during one of her picnics as reference, he scrunched up his face in thought and tried to picture the implications of that melodic texture.

Just the two of them, snuggled up in her fluffy sheets, shadows cascading over their silhouette (How did they always manage to look so mysterious?). Sunny’s little fingers digging into her sides, like his lifeline could slip through his fingertips at a moment’s notice (the irony is rude and disrespectful, as far as Kel is concerned). His ragged breaths and tightlipped whimpers settling into a steady unison part, intertwining with her voice as he slowly melts into her chest. The dispassionate rigor of their violin and piano playing could never compare to the sound of them mixed up in each other, communicating in a way only they understood. “It’s okay. You’re safe now. I’ll protect you.” without words to bog down the intimacy of its delivery.

The last time he crawled into bed with Hero, he chuckled and said something about Kel being a little too old to deal with nightmares like this, ruffling his hair before draping the covers over him and pecking his forehead. He probably wasn’t being serious.

Kel stayed out of his room anyway.

[milfzatannaz]

if you guys have noticed I went radio silent there’s a reason for that; after the debacle the other night I just didn’t particularly feel like engaging.

(I don’t retract my og post at all, I said what I said)

it kinda just reminds me of how women in fandom are treated like shit. the vague post written about me said they were “disappointed in the female demographic on this site” which I can’t begin to explain to all of you how gross of a thing that is to say. i chose not to reblog or comment bc it’s fucking futile, you know? i wasn’t trying to start a ship war. i was trying to point out how the male gaze informs how we interact with a female character, (which also happens with Constantine, albeit in a separate way I didn’t touch on, which I’m aware exists and wasn’t omitting for some sort of agenda) but then it got relegated to me being biased and hypocritical.

(the sentiment that started this actually came from scrolling the Zatanna subreddit, not even certain tumblr figures)

it’ll always suck. I could elaborate on my original post, but I won’t. i know what I meant and Im not going to have my feminist politics discredited because some people got pissed. a comic book take is not going to negate the reading I do, the research I do and my own fucking lived experience as a woman.

that’s all I’m going to say before I delete this post tomorrow. reblogs will be turned off. if you send me anons, good luck bc they’re getting deleted anyway.

[aemiron-main]

You’re aware that finalboysbyers does not, at all, ship HenWill? They’re an anti and they blocked me because I ship them. And the Twitter account you think is then is not them at all. It’s my mutual who has another Tumblr account. Just leave us alone. Just because you have beef with a Tumblr user who doesn’t even like HenWill doesn’t mean you can just go stalk us when we didn’t do anything. We’re just living in our bubbles shipping calmly in our corner and now there’s drama over nothing…

Are you sure that’s not their twitter, anon? I didn’t make that post, as I’ve only recently been made aware of their twt, but looking through it, the evidence is certainly stacked against them.

It’s funny to me that you don’t actually name the twitter account in question, and instead, just say “the twitter account you think is them,” and it’s funny because until, like, TODAY, in a reply & not even in a proper post, I haven’t named the twitter account in question- and the fact that you didn’t name it either tells me that this ask is a load of shit and that you’re more than likely finalboybyers/someone close to them who’s trying to cover their ass but can only use “the twitter account you think is them” because you don’t know what twitter account I think it is.

And if the account in question doesn’t belong to finalb*ybyers, then why did the twt account block me the other day right after I started having discourse with FBB? Despite me never having mentioned the twitter account by name at that point, nor having ever interacted with it on twt (and it blocked both my art account and my st account)- if that twt is just your innocent bystander friend, then why’d they suddenly go out of their way to block me (somebody who would be a random stranger to them) once I started mentioning FBB’s twitter? Is it all just a Big Coincidence??

It’s your mutual who has another tumblr account huh, anon?? Did you meet them the same way that you met your Girlfriend Who Goes To Another School? Like, cmon, you can’t name the twt account in question or the supposed other tumblr account, and I’m supposed to take you seriously?

Also, STALKING??? Again, this whole thing reads poorly like FBB or one of their buddies trying to cover for them, because they’ve been constantly accusing me of stalking when in reality, I only found out that FBB’s tumblr even existed because they were shittalking me/bitching about my posts/stalking me. They’d shittalked me repeatedly & constantly vagued my posts by the time I even found out they existed- so how does that make me the stalker?

At the end of the day, anon, I just want to be left alone. Like, I genuinely don’t have any desire or energy to start drama with henwill shippers, and the henwill shipping was only brought up because it’s a.) imo, a testament of them not understanding Henry’s character and b.) the fact that they were accusing me and James of being weird/embarrassing for posting Edward theories, and yet they’re out here posting extra-weird stuff on twt. Hell, I wouldnt have even known about their henwill stuff/their twt if a mutual hadnt mentioned it to me.

And hell, I don’t even have any desire to continue having issues with finalboybyers. I literally just want them to leave me alone, which is what I’ve said repeatedly. They’ve been the one constantly shittalking and stalking and insulting me, and hell, it’s their blog they can do what they want, but it’s not like I was the one that started conflict with them, THEY started it with ME/like I said, my ideal would be for them to simply stop with the absolutely constant hateposting about me & stop spreading outright lies about me.

Again, quit acting like I’m out here on some witchhunt for henwill shippers (as much as I don’t like henwill, I tend to Mind My Business/not go around chasing random people down for it because I just don’t have that time or energy) because the reality is that I just want this FBB person to a.) leave me alone and b.) quit being a hypocrite. I didn’t start anything with them, they had SUCH an issue with my posts before I even knew they existed & seemingly have been stalking me ever since they found my page.

Literally like. As long as finalboybyers starts leaving me alone, I’ll leave them alone. Hell, I havent even argued back with them NEARLY as much as they’ve bitched about me. Like. I straight up just want them to leave me alone, I didn’t have a damn thing to say about them until they started shittalking me.

[girldigital]

be easy please

With everyday that passes, I find myself falling more and more in love with the fantasy.

Of course I liked him. Even if there were some yellow (orange even) flags (okay red too), I am being a hypocrite and looking away. “Nothing I can’t fix”, I say confidently - and the worst part is I believe it. Pretty hard to be sure after one date, but I imagine it wouldn’t take too much given how similar we are already.

Anyway, negatives aside (which shall remain vague for now (shame)), he is technically a match. Not what I’m looking for, but clearly what I seem to be seeking hasn’t been working, so maybe it’s for the best.

After our date, I remember feeling good inside, but also very content with the friendly nature of it. It’s rare for me to feel sexual attraction towards anybody, but I typically know fairly early if I can see myself either passively or actively enjoying sex with a man. Then again, I think I’ve only felt keen to kiss during a first date twice, one of which just so happens to have taken place a week before meeting Aiden.

I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. Part of me thinks it is, because I have something very fresh to compare my feelings to, but on the other, I wonder if I would’ve been more swept off my feet had it not happened. Frankly though, I don’t think so.

You see, Aiden and I too alike - to a point where it creates noticeable cracks in the fantasy. Suddenly, all I see are two dorks pretending not to be. Actually, he wasn’t even pretending, which in a way was worse as it forced me to renounce my usual act. While that might sound like a good thing, with that also comes any sort of sexual tension vanishing. Do I not believe I deserve to be loved for who I am? Maybe. Probably, in fact. It’s just hard to feel attracted to someone who reminds you of who you’re hiding.

Anyway, those are all things I felt during/right after. Now that it’s been a week of almost no coms, I find myself romanticizing him again, as if everything I felt in the moment during will magically fade away and leave room for the perfect narrative to take place.

Things that freaked me out in the flesh suddenly seem endearing. I catch myself imagining things I never have with others like marriage and fatherhood. Ew right...

While that’s slightly comforting (I have a heart!), I’m also painfully aware of the fact that I’m fetishizing the idea more so than I actually want him. I imagine myself telling my mom about the older, handsome Spanish architect I’m dating and her smiling in glee at the fact that she’s succeeded at veering me away from lesbianism. Wouldn't it be all so perfect?

Also, I was talking to Reboot and I realized a big part as to why I want to date a man, besides the warmth and validation, is that I will finally be able to d*ke-out in peace. Yes, I’m aware of the contradiction...

If I can explain myself though, my mom has always said in regards to me wanting to get tattoos : “When you marry, you can do whatever you want.” Even though that’s an obvious ridiculous statement, I haven’t been able to change her opinion through out the years. If anything, it’s now gotten worse as she requires her death before I can do anything - how dramatic. I’ve pushed the envelope in every way I could that doesn’t isn't permanent (haircuts, hair colors, bleached brows, piercings), but even still, every single one of these frustrate her to irrational levels. I think a big reason is that she sees them as ways I make myself more undesirable to men.

One of the things she said when we were fighting about my eyebrow piercing was: “What man would want a girl with that?”. I told her that I wouldn't want a man who would judge me for things this futile, which she agreed with but unfortunately still, I think my brain has successfully been rewired to associate freedom with male companionship. If only I were to be in a relationship with a man worthy of her praise, then I would finally be free to do as I please, without the weight of her disappointment and disapproval. That way, I can both prove to her that I can be lovable with the appearance she deems as unworthy, and most importantly, that, again, I am not the lesbo daughter of her nightmares yay! If I have a boyfriend, who cares if I’m a tatted up, short-haired, androgynous presenting gal right?

My life has been poisoned by conditions and I keep finding myself binding myself to them for no other reason than…I don’t know actually.

Anyway, I’m sleepy.

Before last night in BCN…

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & James

Nancy: Hi, J

Nancy: Kind of an awkward message but I know some stuff went down and I just hope you’re okay

James: I’m fine, but thank you

Nancy: Your brother wasn’t quiet about his dissatisfaction about being home early, that’s how

Nancy: I haven’t spoken to Chlo or anything

James: He rarely is

Nancy: I know, right?

Nancy: The youngest is always the most dramatic

James: I can count on your discretion though, can’t I?

Nancy: Oh God, of course

Nancy: He shouldn’t have announced it like that but I just wanted to see how you were, as he did let it slip

Nancy: it felt wrong to ignore what I was told, you know

James: I appreciate that, and it’s kind of you to reach out

Nancy: We were friends once

James: Yes, I remember, albeit vaguely

Nancy: I think it’s the same for all of us

James: Perhaps, the general consensus does tend to be something to that effect if, or indeed when, the subject is broached

Nancy: We were all young and stupid once, yeah

Nancy: I’m glad you’re okay, is Chlo too?

James: You know her, it’s complicated

Nancy: Right, that does sound like her

Nancy: it’ll be for the best, for you all

James: I hope so, that’s, as ever, my aim 

Nancy: You’re a good person, she’s lucky to have you, as a partner and as an ex

James: I’m on less sure footing there, but thank you, again

Nancy: That must be so crazy for you

Nancy: it’s not like you had a serious partner before her

James: We were young, as you said, all of us

Nancy: We’re not old yet, you’ll enjoy it, when you get back out there

James: Technically we may not be, but I feel it sometimes, don’t you?

Nancy: All the time, it’s awful

Nancy: These kids can make you feel ancient 

James: I’m sorry about Teddy, however he’s behaved while I was away

Nancy: You do owe me for babysitting him but I’ll let it slide for now

James: At least I’m not asking you to perform any actual babysitting duties, you would hate that

Nancy: That’s not fair, I’m not AS opposed to children as I once was, I’m sure yours is as charming as you

James: In my not at all biased and extremely humble opinion, she is, yes

James: though, of course, there’s plenty of time for her to outgrow any similarities to me and I’m certain she’ll be overjoyed about that once she’s old enough to realise her narrow and lucky escape

Nancy: You’re so hard on yourself, it’s too relatable

James: It’s a difficult habit to break, isn’t it?

Nancy: I wish I knew how, because I would tell you to stop 

Nancy: it would be nothing but hypocritical though, when the voice in my head is constant and unpleasant

James: I’ll share the secret should I learn, but I don’t anticipate doing so soon, if ever

Nancy: What do you think did more of a number on us, our parents, school or our overachieving siblings?

James: All of the above?

Nancy: I fear as much 

Nancy: Still, look at you, you’ve done far better than me

James: I’m sorry you’re struggling

Nancy: Oh, it’s fine, I’m fine

Nancy: I do find ‘adulthood’ a bit lonely though… do you see many of our old friends?

James: [tell her who you see, if anyone, cos Chlo picks your friends and I’m sure some of them are the old gang if she’s managed to hang onto any]

Nancy: That makes sense

Nancy: but not [and the people James was actually friends with back then that have clearly not stuck around or made the cut]?

James: No, we went our separate ways 

Nancy: We all kind of got blown apart, one way or the other

Nancy: but it would be nice to see you again, for me

Nancy: and I hope you, if you ever need anyone to talk to

James: I wasn’t aware you missed me, Nancy

James: but I’m likewise here if you need an ear, or anything else

Nancy: Come on, you can’t let your low self-esteem get in the way of the blindingly obvious

James: I don’t know what you mean

Nancy: I always liked you

Nancy: Why wouldn’t I miss you?

James: Did you? I never felt that, as if I’d be missed at all, or have been

Nancy: It wasn’t any of our place to stop you, you had to do what you had to do

Nancy: but everyone thought it was a shame, me included, I can’t believe you didn’t know that

James: There was a lot of information I wasn’t privy to, but that was no one’s fault but my own, being as willingly absent as I became, for one reason or another

Nancy: You were missed, I assure you

Nancy: everything changed, after that

James: Yes, it did

Nancy: Too fast, too young

James: I couldn’t agree more

Nancy: I suppose we have to find a way to move forward now, even if we weren’t prepared then

Nancy: I could use a friend like you, you seem to have it far more figured out 

James: Oh, I feel terrible if I’ve mislead you, because while it is very much my intention to follow through with your suggestion and I am trying, I’m, in truth, closer to a wreck than a stable influence

Nancy: Then you must come out with me

Nancy: I can’t possibly let you navigate this alone when I have being a wreck down to a fine art

James: I don’t know if that’s a good idea

Nancy: Whenever you’re ready

Nancy: I understand that it’s awkward right now

James: It’s important I keep a clear head and I’m not sure I would

Nancy: We can get coffee

Nancy: I do remember your sobriety, by the way

James: Coffee can’t get me into trouble, I suppose

Nancy: I don’t want to get you in trouble

James: The timing isn’t ideal, but it’s far from impossible

James: [suggest a time you can do, you sweet summer child, because you do not realise what this is]

Nancy: That sounds great, I’ll see you then

Nancy: Where do you like to get your coffee?

James: I can’t recall when I last drank a coffee anywhere but at home, you may have to help me

Nancy: Okay, you picked the time, I’ll pick the place, very democratic 

Nancy: [pick a place nearby your fam home and thus him because you frequent them all and would be cool with whatever lbr]

James: I’ll be there

Nancy: 😁

Nancy: Looking forward to it

James: As am I

James: [Can I jump in here and say he has to re-arrange before this day comes because it feels real for his life and also she will be fuming]

James: I’m sorry, something has come up

James: Would [a new date] suit you as a rescheduled date?

Nancy: Oh 😔

Nancy: I was really looking forward to seeing you today, is it your daughter?

James: Yes, unfortunately she has come down with a summer cold, meaning I too have come down with a summer cold

James: I’d hate to pass it along to you after not seeing each other for such a long time, or for my first impression to be this unflattering

Nancy: You poor things! Are you being well looked after?

Nancy: We can do [the rescheduled date] that’s fine with me

James: She’s being nursed devotedly, fatherly duties demanding I sacrifice myself thus

James: I won’t be contagious by then, even if I’m yet to be completely fit and well

Nancy: 🥺 You’re amazing

Nancy: I feel like I should bring you soup

James: Tempting as that is, I should refuse, the neighbours would definitely tell on me as they are want to do

Nancy: Oh I have not missed this neighbourhood 🙄

James: There is no rest for the wicked, regardless of whether your wife has quarantined herself with her parents to avoid catching the current plague upon our house

Nancy: I suppose that is wise, as she’s pregnant but still

Nancy: when will you get your R & R in?

James: Typically when Jay is asleep, sadly at present she barely can more than fitfully, so perhaps, as far as the foreseeable future is concerned, never

Nancy: I hate that, I wish I could help

James: It’ll pass and we can have coffee like normal people

Nancy: As opposed to the insane people we really are?

James: Yes, and I’m almost guaranteed not to fall asleep at the table, which is a relief

Nancy: I won’t let you, that would be too damning a review of my company

James: I assure you it would be no reflection upon it, I’m simply that exhausted, but it won’t last either

Nancy: Darling, being a parent is such frightful work

Nancy: how do you do it, it’s amazing

James: Because you have little option but to

James: take my advice and don’t rush into the endeavour yourself

Nancy: That is highly unlikely, but thank you, I’ll keep your plight in mind

James: Please do, I’m nothing if not this postcode’s cautionary tale

Nancy: It is like Chlo to make the unusual choice

James: She’s always been strong-willed 

Nancy: Yes, something like that

James: I’ll see you on [the new date]

James: I promise not to cancel or reschedule twice

Nancy: You mustn’t, I really do want to see you, to give you a break if nothing else

James: It would be nice, however short lived 

Nancy: Maybe we can make it a thing

James: You aren’t kept busy by your more exciting friends?

Nancy: Don’t be silly, I have all the time for you

James: My calendar tends to be ridiculously full, but I’ll try, as often as is feasible

Nancy: 😌 I appreciate it, James, that you have time for me at all

James: I’m eager to catch up

Nancy: It’s mutual

James: I’m glad to hear it, I’d be mortified to think you simply felt bad for me and therefore obligated to spend an hour reminiscing

Nancy: That’s what I always think people are thinking about me

James: You’re not as pitiful a figure as all that, Nancy

Nancy: Neither are you, I don’t think

James: Thank you

Nancy: I actually think you’re pretty great, honestly

James: I haven’t the slightest clue what I’ve done to earn your flattery, but thank you, again

Nancy: You’re nice, not just to me

Nancy: but I’m sure you don’t want a full list

James: I’m flushed and feverish without one

Nancy: I can’t compete with this bug

James: It’s doing a number on me at the moment

Nancy: Let me get some food sent to you, if I can do anything, I can keep you fed well

James: You don’t need to do that

Nancy: Please?

James: Well, okay

James: I can’t deny dinner would be a help

Nancy: I just want to help, and as nursing you is out of the question thanks to your neighbours

Nancy: this is the next best

James: Your offers are thoughtful and I’m grateful for each of them, especially those which I’m unable to take up

Nancy: Next time, perhaps

James: I don’t intend to get sick repeatedly

Nancy: No one intends to

Nancy: but whenever you next do, I’ll be ready

James: I’ll owe you, I could nurse you through a hangover perhaps, as the symptoms don’t differ wildly

Nancy: Would you do that for me, or would it be too triggering?

James: It’ll serve as a reminder of the unsavoury and therefore off putting aspects, you’ll be doing me a favour really

Nancy: If it’s a favour, how could I turn you down

James: We seem to have struck up a deal then

Nancy: Absolutely

James: Good practice for the newborn horrors also, I fear I’ve utterly blocked out that stage

Nancy: I’m not that bad, I promise

James: We’ll see

Nancy: James!

Nancy: I’m a big girl now, I can handle my liquor

James: My apologies, but scant though my memories are, I have vivid recollections of a few occasions where you absolutely could not

Nancy: 😅 How dare you not believe I’m a changed woman

James: With the evidence in front of me I’ll have no choice

Nancy: If you’re eager to take care of me, we can still make that happen

James: Allegedly you can take care of yourself

Nancy: Not exactly what I said but I suppose

James: I have faith in your reformed character, for now at least

Nancy: That means a lot

James: You deserve chances, everyone does

Nancy: You’ll make me blush

James: I’m sorry, I’m being rather serious, another habit of mine

Nancy: I like it, don’t be

James: In that case, you undeniably have changed

Nancy: I always liked you, I feel like you’re teasing me pretending to have no clue

James: Sincerely, I was in the dark

Nancy: It makes me sad to think about now

James: Please don’t dwell on it if so

Nancy: I would have asked you out, if everything didn’t happen the way it did

James: But it did, and here we are

Nancy: It just isn’t fair, what went down

James: Life isn’t, in my experience, but things do happen for a reason

Nancy: Whether they do or don’t, here we are, as you said

James: And I’m happy you are here, that we’re talking

Nancy: Me too, this is really lovely

James: I’ve lost many things over the years, relationships, parts of myself, I wish I could adequately express the feeling of getting some of them back, alas, this cold continues to thwart me in everything

Nancy: I think you’re doing a brilliant job

James: Because you’re making allowances for how woefully ill I am

Nancy: I would, of course, you are struggling on so heroically, it’s the least I could do

Nancy: I’m just not used to this level of conversation anymore, is the truth, though

James: It’s an uncommon occurrence, conversation, not my heroics, those are naturally something which I’ll pretend is usual

Nancy: You don’t need to pretend to impress me, I already am

James: You’re right, I’ve led you entirely astray and too far if that is your genuine reaction

Nancy: You cannot convince me not to be, I’m sorry

James: But I must

Nancy: It will be a waste of your, highly limited right now, energy

James: When we meet face-to-face I’ll renew my efforts

Nancy: I have no doubt you will

James: Soon

Nancy: Not soon enough

James: In a world where I’m free to use my time as I please, I’d stay and chat, but regrettably I don’t inhabit one, and that’s yet to be proven clearer than it has already been in this moment, hearing a crying child get louder and nearer

James: forgive and excuse me

Nancy: Godspeed

James: [Okay, so the day has arrived, meet her in this cafe or wherever, I know you’re gonna be early sir because you’re that bitch and that kills me already because you gonna look so keen and like this is a date when you are in fact in love with her little sister]

Nancy: [me so glad that you are meeting at a cafe in the day so you can’t dress up and make it so obvious how much you’re looking forward to this date lol, at least it’s customary to do two cheek kisses and a hug as greeting when you turn up giving fashionably late because you’re that girl and you will be going in for that]

James: [I’m glad that he isn’t allowed to serve in this era because this girl doesn’t deserve a lewk, obvs you’ll still look hot cos that’s just your face but, speaking of, yeah you’re gonna have to do the kisses and hug as greeting however awkwardly lol as it is the vibe and what posh people do, but at least then you can sit back down in the comfy armchair vibe you’ve secured, very us pre-aldi shop is what I’m picturing haha but less wintery as we’re here bopping in June]

Nancy: [‘do you feel better?’ as you’re regarding him at arm’s length, trying to prolong the hug but not in a noticeably unhand me lady way lol, no coat to take off but put your handbag down and sort yourself so you feel as if you’re looking your best here, sneaky hair and makeup check]

James: [I 100% vibe you are not better sir because colds can really linger and you definitely didn’t delay this rescheduling for very long at all to be polite and because she was so sad about it, but nevertheless you are nodding and smiling as if you are because you’re that sort of bear ‘What can I order for you?’ because he is nothing if not a gentleman, we know this]

Nancy: [‘worth the risk anyway’ with a big smile because what does catching a cold matter to you, makes you sound a tiny bit unhinged, which you are wholly so not wrong for that, tell him whatever ridiculous coffee order you get with a sheepish smile because you’re like omg, so annoying of me]

James: [a self conscious kind of smile back because you know you should’ve waited until you were better but you did not want to because as we’ve discussed he so badly wants friends and never moreso than after being stuck looking after a sick child in the midst of this drama because I imagine Jay caught this on your flight back like how moomin caught covid so it was immediate after the hol from hell and has cockblocked java’s romantic reconciliation too to some extent whether that’s totally or you’ve managed to sneakily see each other but not as much as you wanted, ANYWAY, the way he’s totally unfazed by this ridiculous coffee order because his wife is even more unhinged, catch him ordering such a boring but practical black coffee though, me like sir you need some kind of cosy tea you are unwell, but I get it, get them ordered and bring them back after however long you’ve patiently waited in what I picture as a fairly busy coffee shop] 

Nancy: [makes sense, sorry we have impure motives and are also a pretty crap friend to have, especially for you, still, I see how you’ve got a mixed message here girl lol, just getting to watch him shamelessly whilst he gets these drinks, full chin in your hands moment ‘til you have to sit back up properly to take your coffee and take a sip before you say anything else, smiling again ‘it’s weird, how long it’s been since we last saw each other’ because even if it was a Chlo related thing, it’s clearly been a minute there too]

James: [thank god java are a thing because I’d feel too sad for him about this going tits up otherwise, even if it adds another dimension to the weird and awkwardness of this lil reunion rn, hence his ‘yes, it is’ reflecting that cos Ava and their secret love affair is the elephant in this room for him atm even before he realises she has romantic motives herself here]

Nancy: [oh when she finds out that little bombshell, already resents Ava and everything about her, never mind adding this mortification to the tally lmao, I don’t know what ‘revenge’ you will enact or at least want to but it will be the drama; for now ‘we can just enjoy the silence and our drinks’ giving no pressure vibes because current goal is not to just get tea out of you about your marriage and disaster hol, want you to want us]

James: [soz girl he genuinely didn’t mean to lead you on but he accidentally has a little bit, oops, here taking a sip of his drink like okay because he actually is chill and there aren’t enough what he believes to be comfortable silences in his life honestly, ‘You look well’ said eventually in a I hope I don’t give you this cold we both know I still have tone]

Nancy: [raising your brows, amused ‘just well?’ but you’re smiling down because any compliment truly, even with the way he meant it and the way some people take well to mean fat or whatever ‘you too, despite current bacteria or what have you taking over’ GLANCING up at him slightly from behind your hair because he is handsome, undeniably]

James: [‘And blonde’ because she is very blonde in this era but she can pull it off unlike some people so there’s no shade ‘I can’t help but wonder if there may be something in the water I don’t know about, or am perhaps just immune to, in contrast to summer colds’ because Teddy is hilariously also in his very blonde era so that’s amusing ‘Oh, thank you’ self conscious again because he is that bitch not because he fancies you soz, complete with a perfectly timed cough into his elbow that is also amusing, gotta apologise when he stops coughing because he’s also that bitch ‘sincerest apologies for the persistent lingering of said bacteria, I had hoped they’d do the polite thing’]

Nancy: [‘you’re literally tall, dark and handsome, why would you mess with that’ shrugging like you don’t even need to worry about a blonde phase boy, so true, bit rude to yourself and Teddy but we’re not worrying about that right now ‘I do feel bad for dragging you out, but you must’ve been back to work, school, all that far worse stuff, right?’]

James: [‘I suppose I am rather a cliche’ still in an amused tone as if she flat out called him one ‘and you have chosen the kindest of the many I seem to embody’ like thank you, again ‘Quite, I was straight back into the office as per my father’s strict instructions, he would assert that I’ve enjoyed enough of a holiday without requesting further days to lie in bed’ in a don’t feel bad tone because life doesn’t stop especially when your dad is that bitch]

Nancy: [‘a catch’ as a correction, rolling our eyes playfully like oh please, you are so blessed before we are swiftly doing a sad face because out here truly thinking we can relate with our whole chest despite the fact your parents would never employ you and thus you are not in the same boat honey, shaking your head like ugh ‘you would think the world would stop turning if a day’s business is missed’]

James: [not this boy taking another sip of coffee so he doesn’t have to respond to that, because even though he thinks she’s just being nice and hyping him up as a friend would, we’re still awks about it as he is with all compliments and things like that, putting his cup down a little too hard for deliberate emphasis like how true because so sick of his dad’s nonsense by this point, not as hardcore as Teddy is but we likewise don’t wanna work there soz dad, but he’s not the sort of bear to openly bitch about the fam unlike his brother]

Nancy: [when this should be an awkward silence but you’re still powering on here because it isn’t long enough to be blatant ‘you’re not going to move back in with your parents, are you?’ a genuine face of sympathy ‘that’d be awful’]

James: [‘Absolutely not’ love that he’s leaning closer to say this like we’ve gotta keep it a big secret how much I would hate that and hence would never even consider it, again it looks kinda flirty and I’m soz]

Nancy: [touching your hand to your chest like THANK GOD, smiling at him as you’re just getting to study his face closer up, nbd ‘I could never go back’]

James: [‘No, neither could I, a weekly visit more than suffices’ because oh sundays what fun you are, the emphasis put on the word more really making that blatant but we’re still in close proximity and conspiratorial friendly whispers so it’s fine]

Nancy: [just telling him about the last time you bothered to go home and spend time with your family and what fun that was, putting your hand on his forearm like you simply gotta because fits the vibe that’s being put across]

James: [when you’re actually listening sympathetically and that’s really gonna look like you fancy her but you’re just a caring good egg, catch him genuinely trying to help and give her advice that’s applicable to what she said, oh James ily]

Nancy: [we all know that you’re the problem it’s you, whatever story you just told, probably trying to be amusing but you’re only going to LOVE the fact he’s essentially taken your side in his being sympathetic and trying to help, even if that’s not what you were going for ‘you’re so nice, James, you really deserve better people around you’ still clutching his arm but relaxing the OMG I must tell you grip of it so now you’re just resting your hand there lightly]

James: [you have accidentally validated her when she’s clearly the one in the wrong here not baze but like Teddy you can see that she is genuinely struggling with things and trying to get attention in the wrong ways doesn’t mean the attention isn’t still needed and you feel like you can’t help him and you hate that, so it all tracks, the awkward moment when you’ve gotta move your arm away because even if this is a friendly touch in the way that some peeps are just touchy feely you don’t wanna encourage it/again feel the ghost of Ava in the room, so do it in such a way that you need to blow your nose rn immediately and it doesn’t look shady]

Nancy: [moving back into your own seat because you were clearly on the edge by that point, doing your own cough, not because you’ve caught this cold but you do feel the awkwardness this time]

James: [try not to look too adorable blowing your nose sir because you’re giving such cute vibes being all ill ‘I’m trying to be a better person myself’ said like but it’s hard because I’m not nice or good ‘it doesn’t come the most naturally, but I really am committed to the continued attempt’]

Nancy: [‘is that something you learned in rehab?’ sounds very shady but actually not being, we would like to know, we’re absolutely enough of a hot mess that we’ve considered if that’s what we need even though we never will, not properly committed, at least]

James: [‘Between you and I, I’m not convinced I learned anything in rehab’ because it’s how he feels having been forced there against his will before he was ready for it, obvs ‘fatherhood meanwhile has taught me a lot, and with the second go looming, changes have to be made’]

Nancy: [nodding like as I suspected, on both counts, doing a big sigh like well ‘I’ll have to stay a bad person then’ making a face like lol c’est la vie]

James: [‘I don’t think you’re a bad person, a little lost, but that isn’t an irredeemable flaw, particularly not yet, at this point in your life’ when you’re just nice and you just see the good and the potential in people and things]

Nancy: [blushing for real, rubbing your cheek against your shoulder like you can stop yourself ‘please’ like oh you but so sincerely touched that we can’t brush it aside]

James: [‘I was too, I am still, but if there’s hope for me, there certainly is for you, Nancy’ again, just so sincerely meaning this on this day, soz not soz]

Nancy: [‘we’ve got a lot in common, you and I’ yes and no sis but in the moment you really feel it because you know he was a mess and that you still are]

James: [‘we do’ because you feel it too, if only the shared messiness factor and that being what everyone knows and talks about when they discuss you ‘hesitant as I am to draw the unfavourable comparison between us, for your sake’ when you’re aware that it sounds shady you calling her a big messy bitch cos sir you really were something]

Nancy: [doing a lil laugh as you shake your head like no, no, it is true, don’t worry about it, just giving him such heart eyes right now]

James: [‘Should you ever need anything, to talk, or temporary refuge from the people who don’t understand and thus aren’t sympathetic, I insist you don’t hesitate’ oh boy, if only you could actually help her/each other like that but that’s not the story arc we’re telling]

Nancy: [‘when can I next see you?’ it does sound like he just asked you on another date but oh girl no, the eagerness]

James: [he’ll be here getting his phone out and checking his calendar rn immediately like he’s as eager, really looks like you love her rn, soz, just wanna help her with her sobriety and loneliness, suggesting a date and everything nbd]

Nancy: [not you carrying on this delusion to live another day, uh-oh lmao, just here nodding and putting this date in your own phone like absolutely]

James: [me like does Ava know about this? Because how weird that will be like yeah don’t mind me just helping your sister turn her life around and hopefully bonding about it but only as besties don’t worry, finish your coffee in the here and now though and ask her if she wants anything else because you see no alarm bells so you’re not rushing off]

Nancy: [you may have told her but you may have not thought to at this point, who is to say, she would have some concerns because we know this bitch but she wouldn’t outright be like NO because bit controlling lol; going to shake our head no because you feel like this has been SUCH a success and you don’t want to flop it now ‘I’ll get them next time’]

James: [you haven’t told her your wife is preggo so it wouldn’t be the biggest secret you’re keeping hun but I feel like because it’s her sister you would mention even if only casually, not the point rn though, smile and nod at Nancy like okay then which is the first time you’ve behaved as if you don’t fancy her by not insisting that you’re gonna pay every time haha but it’s too subtle and doesn’t undo anything that has happened here on this day]

Nancy: [we can always do y’all next just like umm babe lol but here and now collect yourself and your things ma’am, wait for him to open the door and walk you out]

James: [me dying because he will and he’ll do the hug and double kiss goodbye as well as hello and even though it’s so platonic to him it won’t be to her, do you wanna skip to their 2nd meeting or do her taking him up on his offer of an sos/to talk as messages before then or do some java in between set when he gets back from this hol? Because all are possible]

Nancy: [what are you most vibing ma’am because the possibilities do be endless]

James: [I feel like maybe we should leave the java to the end because we’ll get carried away/it will probably be long because there’s the possibility she could nurse him/the possibility they have to pine for longer and either way it’ll be feelsy and it doesn’t matter if we bebop back and forth as long as we know what we’re doing, so yeah, depends if you wanna come at him before this date or if you wanna skip to it]

Nancy: [hmm, should I come at you and null and void the date by being a mess or should I say best behaviour which means you’ll probably try to come at Teddy, which we could also do hmm]

James: [I do love the idea of her being a mess and ruining her best laid plans ngl and it feels very real]

Nancy: [okay, let’s go for that, either is a possibility so here we go, doesn’t matter when this is, just before whenever you’d next planned to meet, obviously giving late night/early AM]

Nancy: James

Nancy: are you awake, I think maybe if you still have that cold

James: [me dying imagining that he’s still awake because java are being peak romance and he’s reading to her/they were on the phone and she has fallen asleep and he was about to but he hasn’t yet, thus immediately replying]

James: Yes, I’m awake

James: Are you okay?

Nancy: Yes and no

Nancy: I’ve been thinking about you a lot, since we met

Nancy: are you okay?

James: I’m fine, but it doesn’t sound as if you are

Nancy: I just wish you were here, instead of all the people who are

James: I could come, whether or not my presence results in anyone else going home, I’m under no illusion I’m able to guarantee such a thing, but if you’d like me to be there nonetheless

Nancy: You’d do that for me?

James: As promptly as traffic allows

James: What’s your address?

Nancy: [give him your address]

Nancy: I knew I should message you, I was debating if it was a good idea

James: I told you to reach out when needed

Nancy: I don’t want to embarrass myself

James: An amnesty has been declared so that you’ll let me help you, don’t worry

Nancy: I don’t need help though

James: There’s nothing to be ashamed of in asking for any

Nancy: I just want to see you

James: Do you feel you can confide in me why that is? What’s wrong, I mean

Nancy: I missed you

James: Nancy

James: it’s very late to be making a social call

Nancy: I’m sorry

Nancy: I promise I’ll make it worth your while

James: Whatever you’re suggesting, I assure you I’m not looking for, especially this evening, in your current state

Nancy: I’m not gone, I promise

Nancy: I wouldn’t be able to operate the phone to talk to you if I was that bad

James: I’m sorry, for the implication I just made and for any others you’ve read into which have caused you to determine I’m interested in pursuing something besides friendship

Nancy: Are you being serious now?

James: Completely

Nancy: Oh my God

James: I’m obviously at fault here, I didn’t realise that’s what you thought was happening

Nancy: Of course that’s what I thought, you were

Nancy: just, nope, I’m going to puke

James: I’m truly sorry, none of this was my intention

Nancy: This is embarrassing enough, don’t continue to be nice 

James: Please don’t be, I’m the one who should feel that way

Nancy: You’ve just turned me down

James: I would have gentler, had I not been taken aback by your proposition to the point of bluntness, I take full responsibility for my awful handling of this too 

Nancy: What’s the point in that, don’t infantilise me

James: I did want us to be friends and I do therefore care

Nancy: Why don’t you want to, what’s wrong with me, just say, that would actually be helpful

James: There isn’t anything wrong with you

Nancy: No, great, thanks so much

James: I’ve met someone I’m serious about

Nancy: When? You’ve literally been on holiday with your wife 

James: Prior to my holiday, but the details are hardly important, what matters in our context is that she is, to me

Nancy: Jesus

James: It isn’t you, I’d hate for you to believe that

Nancy: Yeah, no, don’t do that

James: I’m telling you the truth

Nancy: A little late, I thought you liked me, this is humiliating

James: I do like you, I don’t wish to be with you romantically, but that doesn’t change any of what I said when we met for coffee, or before

Nancy: Yes it does

James: Not as far as I’m concerned, but I understand if it’s how you feel

Nancy: How I feel is that you feel sorry for me when it should be the other way ‘round

James: You acknowledged the similarities in our lives, I feel that connection to you

Nancy: You can’t just say you feel a connection to me, do you not hear how that sounds

James: I’m sorry, I’m trying to be honest, that’s all

Nancy: So was I

James: I know, I’ve made a huge mess of things

Nancy: Just go away, this is awful, I’m going to kill myself

James: Please don’t say that

Nancy: Don’t tell me what to say, you’re not my boyfriend

James: I can’t go if you persist in talking like this

Nancy: Yes you can, I don’t want to talk

James: I’d have to show up at your door to check on you, which is the last thing either of us want right now

Nancy: It’s the last thing you want, so quit playing the hero, I don’t need saving

James: I’m no hero

Nancy: You want to be

James: I have no desire to see, or leave, you upset

Nancy: Too bad

James: You don’t have to accept my apology or even be civil, but I’m not abandoning you to my mistakes without doing my best to fix them

Nancy: Well I’m just going to stop replying, I have changed my plans for my evening, thanks to you

James: Okay, I can’t insist you respond

Nancy: You can’t

James: No, but perhaps you’ll decide to eventually

Nancy: Now you want me, do you

James: Why do I have to desire to sleep with you or expect nothing?

Nancy: Because that’s all that matters

James: Is it?

Nancy: Yes

Nancy: and anything else you think was going on before is irrelevant because I was just trying to sleep with you

James: Well, what a pity

Nancy: Yeah, it is

Nancy: Goodbye

James: Good night

[merp-blerp]

Rating Annie On My Mind Book Covers AGAIN Because I Found More Covers

I did a part one of this some time ago, but I have since found more Annie On My Mind (related) covers, so here’s another rating list! Just like before, my ratings only apply to the covers, not the book itself. I love the book and recommend it not only as an important part of sapphic and queer media history, but just as a good, sweet little read. It’s not super… “adventurous” (if that’s the word I’m looking for) in terms of the what happens, but it’s very serene. I guess I’m saying it’s more character driven than plot driven and more “slice-of-life”, but not mundane in my opinion. I don't own any of the photos, I found them online.

⚠️ Light Spoiler Warning on the discussion of the last cover, but nothing too bad. I tried to keep it as vague as possible.

Okay, let’s start!

The Legacy Project - 5/10

This one seems very new. I don’t know the date of this or any covers on this list, but it screams modern YA romance novel cover. It looks like the thrilling sequel to Red, White, and Royal Blue (no shade to that book). I don’t find this style of cover very creative on any book—it’s a bit too common and boring for my taste, but I kinda like this one okay. Not groundbreaking, not awful. I like Annie’s little scrunchie in her black hair (Annie’s the one up the highest, I’m pretty sure. That one looks the most like her), though I don't think she ever wore that. Liza’s hair looks longer than it’s usually implied on the covers and in the story. But exact character description accuracy is by no means everything, I’m being picky and a bit hypocritical as someone who always imagines Annie with bangs for no canon reason. I like how Annie’s head is right by her name and she’s sitting on the “On”. And how Liza’s right by the “My” and sitting the “Mind”. It somewhat tells you who’s who, another reason why I assume. I don’t know, I just don’t have much to say about this one. It’s pretty by the numbers, but nice enough. Definitely not the worst I’ve seen, but not the best. It’s in the middle, which isn’t bad.

Hanbook Korean Cover - 2/10

It’s… pretty uneventful. It’s kind of enticing that you can’t see any identifying features on who I assume are supposed to represent Annie and Liza. When I first saw it I thought it might be treating Annie and Liza both being girls as a “plot twist” of some kind with this cover. But then I threw this cover into Google Translate out of curiosity and apparently the biggest text on the page reads, not the title, but “Girl, Love Girl” (which is hilarious) so I guess not. Google Translate isn't always super reliable, so take that with a grain of salt, but I will be taking a point away from the 3/10 I would've given this cover due to the “incorrect” title. Maybe the reason for the pretty inoffensive cover has something to do with how queerness is taken in Korea, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be queer there. But again, the “Girl, Love Girl” spells it out pretty blatantly so maybe not? The yellowy-green filter over it is a little random and weird. I can’t help but think of… pee when I see it. So likely the worst one I've seen.

David Bruce Guide - 3/10

So I’m aware the next two covers—maybe even the third cover—are somewhat cheating, as they’re not Annie On My Mind covers really, but I wanted more than two meh covers on this list, so I pulled some strings. My list, my rules. I don’t know what’s actually said in this guide, especially since it’s some, I’m assuming, guy writing about some fictional teen lesbians. The contents could be great, could be awful, but let’s focus on the cover. It looks like someone took a random stock photo of two girls kissing and was like, “Yeah, that’s Annie and Liza, right?” They really don’t favor them at all. I don’t recall anyone having a colorful pixie cut in this story (as cute as it looks on the model). I know that’s not the most important thing, but I will mention it. Otherwise, it looks kinda artsy I guess. Looks like a still from an interpretative dance or something. And as a bit of a sidebar, maybe it's my modern privilege, but the idea of having an entire discussion guide for this book is a little funny to me. What’s going to be discussed? “Hey, should queer people have rights? Should people be able to write whatever they want without their books being burned by bigots? Should kids be able to read whatever they want?” etc. It’s a very “obviously yes” thing to me, but I get that it hasn't always been for others and still isn't for some, so it's not bad this exist (probably, again, I haven't read this guide). I refuse to put this as low as the Virago Upstarts cover from part one, so they get a three out of ten. It's not that bad.

Nancy Garden School Library Journal Cover - 6.5/10

So the reason why this cover is on this list is because of the two girls in the background. I admit that it could be Nancy Garden and her partner Sandy Scott, but for the sake of justifying its place on this list, I’m going to say it’s Annie and Liza. It kinda looks like them to me. I know it’s just a part of a cover, not an actual full cover for Annie On My Mind, but I think there’s a potential vision here for an AOMM cover. I like the scenery on the bench in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. I could see that vision alone being an AOMM cover, even though I don’t think there was an actual scene from the book near the bridge like this. That’s fine, a lot of the AOMM covers over the years don’t feature an actual scene from the novel, including my favorite from part one of this list. And the art is really nice. The drawing of Nancy is a drawing of an actual photo of her and it’s done to a tee. Really nicely done.

I don’t know what to title this one, sorry ‘bout that - 9.5/10

YES, YES, YES! I’m not sure if this is fanmade or not, but I love it, so I had to include it. It looks like something a fan would make and I mean that in the best possible way. The art is super cute and pleasing to the eye. This cover also screams YA romance novel cover like The Legacy Project one, but in a way I personally prefer. It’s actually interesting. The Violets! THE VIOLETS! Violets, both the color—along with other shades of purple like lavender—and the flower, have their place in queer history. Sappho, famous super super early sapphic writer (so early we sapphics/lesbians are named after her and the place she lived) wrote several fragments mentioning violets. So did Emily Dickinson and several other sapphic/potentially sapphic writers. Nancy Garden also did this in AOMM. Liza gifts Annie violets for Thanksgiving. Not only do violets represent everlasting love, but they have a huge sapphic history. I like how Liza is sort of drowning in the violets. I think this could represent 1) how Liza is drowning in her love for Annie, as she’s very head-over-heels for her from day one. Or 2) Liza, having just discovered her sapphic feelings for girls, is very enthralled in what’s such a new world for her. This isn’t purely a bad thing at all, but you could argue that being so obsessed caused Liza to make… awkward decisions, like what she and Annie get up to in Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer’s house, which got them all into deep trouble. She’d also known she was a lesbian for much less time than Annie. It takes her a while to even directly call herself a lesbian with confidence. Maybe that’s why Annie is certainly still in the flowers, as she’s definitely a lesbian and in love with Liza, but she’s not drowning like Liza. Not because she doesn’t love her as much, but because she is a bit more seasoned in her sapphic feelings. She knows better and is a bit more cautious, careful, and knowledgeable about being a lesbian. She isn’t quite as willing to do somewhat awkwardly-wild, but sometimes brave things as Liza, like how Liza stood up to Sally and Baxter in Stevenson and Widmer’s house while Annie’s mostly scared-silent during the scene. Though it took two people to do what they did in Stevenson and Widmer’s home, so Liza definitely makes her more daring in some ways she probably wouldn't have otherwise been. They go about their feelings a bit differently. I also like how Annie is placed right by Liza’s head, almost like she’s in Liza’s “thought-bubble” in a way. Fun way to represent the Annie On My Mind title. Also, the clouds look like cotton candy—reminds me of Coney Island which was around where the girls had their first kiss. Okay, that last bit felt like a stretch, so maybe I need to stop while I’m ahead, ha! This cover is so close to matching my favorite from part one, except 1) my favorite was in an art style I prefer a little more, but that art style worked better for that cover while it might look kind of funny on this one; the more cartoony style works really well here. 2) I’m not sure if this is fan art or not, so I want to be fair. It’d feel a bit odd putting fan art against an official cover. If this is fan art I’d love to know who made if so I can credit them here! Any help on finding the artist is welcomed. So beautiful! I love it so much!

[wild-at-mind]

Left-leaning internet is so weird because I think the big backlashes against people in these spaces all come down to not wanting to be told what to do or be by someone else. I seriously don’t think there would have been anywhere near the backlash against A/na M/ardoll working for Lockheed Martin if AM wasn’t a very contentious twitter account that was always telling other people how they should think and feel about media (disclaimer- I’ve only read AM’s essay on Voyage of the Dawn Treader, but it was the most baffling, pointless, Cinemasins-esque nitpicky essay I’ve ever read, that seemed to take issue with the entire concepts of magic and fantasy...? I do not know why it was written and I’m actually a little insulted that someone recommended it to me thinking I would like it). A lot of left-space personalities do this and it’s very difficult for people to publicly critique and disagree with their work because it’s the internet- every criticism is blown out of proportion and every disagreement becomes a referendum on who the person is as a whole even if it wasn’t meant to be. So criticism is visibly pushed back on and attacked so people avoid doing it, and you end up with a load of people just quietly seething and waiting for something bad to come out about someone they don’t like so they can attack. I don’t think AM ever said ‘thou shalt not work at the US’s biggest arms manufacturer’ but everyone attacked him in the (probably entirely true) assumption that he would absolutely attack and condemn someone else for working there. But if AM hadn’t ever done anything online, no one would care about the Lockheed Martin thing, would they? I think we all have lists of jobs that we would never do because we don’t think they are ethical, but everyone’s is different and at the end of the day, we understand that we all need to make money somehow to survive in this world. If we met someone in a normal setting who did one of these jobs we wouldn’t immediately start berating them. It’s just the internet making everything weird. The idea that someone might be a hypocrite is so powerful as a means to criticise them. I just found out that apparently a very common youtuber sponser company does union busting and people are upset about it. I watch loads of non-political youtubers who have been sponsered by this company and haven’t seen them ever be criticised, but one youtuber who has criticised similar things takes a sponsership from them? Massive backlash. You might think it makes sense but honestly I don’t agree- if you think something is bad to provoke massive backlash, then it’s bad whoever is doing it. You could either try and get massive backlash to happen to all youtubers who take this sponser, or you could concede that a youtuber being sponsored by something doesn’t mean the company’s unethical behaviour (that literally all companies do some of somewhere) is that youtuber’s fault or responsibility, and have a proportionate reaction. Otherwise you are putting a much higher burden of ethics on the shoulders of anyone who is vaguely leftist, and what could be more offputting for the idea of becoming politically aware than that?

[bradycore]

toxic trait is that im on the verge of snapping every time i see someone fondly referring to one of the main actors by their first name. all of them are sketchy people, all of them are people you do not know, if you are genuinely invested in them or even just think highly of them i will be just a little more uncomfortable around you. god bles

[geoblitzz]

Sleepless

This is quite literally just me giving Donnie Alice in Wonderland Syndrome- which I also have. It makes your body more or less feel like it’s growing and shrinking, particularly when I try to sleep. Despite this, this is a very fluffy fic! Enjoy!

(Angst free Geo writing? A treat!)

Toss. Turn. Roll over. Repeat. Donnie could never get sleep on nights like these. The longer he lay there, the more his felt his body float away. His weighted blanket wasn’t helping, and Raph had already forced him to bed twice this week. If he caught Donnie up again? Surely some suitable punishment would ensure. But Donnie couldn’t stand it. Every time he closed his eyes he felt his skin like rubber stretched over his flesh, and became hyper aware of his bones and tendons. They seemed to bulge and flicker- he knew they weren’t really- but it felt like they were- spiraling and shifting as if someone was quickly moving around an oversized magnifying glass against his form. It didn’t hurt, it was just unnerving.

Growing and shrinking, stretching and fizzling- it was overwhelming in a sensory- deprivation kind of way. It was hard to accurately describe. Regardless, it seemed sleep was not on the table tonight. Usually walking around or focusing on a project could ground him enough to pass out, but that would wake his brothers, and Edison knows another lecture about sleeping habits would follow.

He debated just powering through, maybe downing some coffee and grabbing his tablet from the lab as quickly and quietly as possible. But again, the possibility of being caught was… eh. He decided he would get some water, and try to… read, maybe? It was better than laying in the dark and allowing his mind to melt his bodily perceptions. He pulled on his glasses with a sigh and made his way to the kitchen. But before he could get there, he heard the familiar sound of the fridge opening and closing, and someone sighing as they presumably found nothing suitable. Donnie cautiously leaned through the doorway, and was surprised to see Raph seated at the kitchen table, leg bouncing. “Raph?” Donnie whispered. Raph seemed to snap out of a trance, nearly jumping out of his skin.

“Jesus, Donnie- don’t do that! Wh- what are you doing up?” Donnie casually leaned against the doorway. “I could ask you the same thing, dear Raphael.” Donnie made himself and Raph cup of water, and sat across from him. “Something bothering you?” Donnie tried, staring at Raph over his lenses. Raph stared at his water, fidgeting. “I don’t know, I guess? I’ve just felt off lately. Guess I’m kind of a hypocrite, huh? About sleepin and stuff.” Donnie raised what would have been an eyebrow, “I suppose so, but what can you do? If somethings keeping you up, there isn’t really another choice.” Raph looked up at Donnie from his water, now curious. “What about you, Dee? Why are you up for this time? Did you finally figure that tech thingy out?”

Donnie scoffed playfully, “While it is true I have sacrificed many a night’s rest in the pursuit of science, this is not one of those nights. Tonight, I just… couldn’t sleep.” Raph raised an eyebrow, and Donnie continued. “You remember- the whole…” Donnie gestures vaguely to his entire body. “That thing.” Raph tilted his head, thinking. “That… oh! That thing- where your body feels all soupy and staticky and you can’t sleep?” Donnie chuckled. “Heh, soupy. That’s one way to put it. Yeah, that. I don’t really want to lay down in the “soup” so to speak, right now.” Donnie sipped his water, trying not to reveal how much it really weighed on him. But a yawn betrayed his upbeat tone, and he closed his eyes and proper his head on his hands on the table. “Is there anything I can do?” Raph said, gently poking Donnie’s nose with his finger. Donnie thought for a moment, and his eyes fluttered open. “We could… just sit together. Sleeping in the same room always used to help you sleep.” Raph smiled. “That sounds nice, Dee. In your room or mine?” Raph said as he stood and stretched.

“Whichever.” Donnie shrugged. “As long as we don’t end up waking everyone else.” They shuffled to Raph’s room (he had a bigger bean bag, which they dragged next to the bed) and got settled. And of course, as if on cue, Leo appeared at the door to join the “totally unfair secret sleep over” that he “can’t believe he wasn’t invited to.” “You were asleep, Leo,” Donnie groaned as Leo cuddled up beside him on his back, Donnie turned on his side.

“Yeah, well, maybe be quieter next time, dingus.” Leo said, playfully flicking the back of Donnie’s head, earning himself a warning kick from under the blankets. “You want to be at this sleepover? Hands to yourself, Nardo.” Donnie didn’t need to turn toward him to hear the smile in Leo’s words. “I thought you said it wasn’t a sleepover~”

“alright, you two, quiet. Raph needs some quiet if we’re gonna- OOF-“ Raph was interrupted by a certain turtle in orange pajama’s throwing himself on top of him. “Y’all were having a sleepover without me?? Betrayal!” Mikey whisper-yelled, poking Raph’s cheeks teasingly. “He’s got you there, Raph.” Leo chided. “Alright, alright, I get it. Now, if everyone is done with their jokes, let’s try to actually rest, yeah?” Raph said. “Actually I had a couple more- OW, come on!” Leo mumbled, earning a solid elbow in the arm from one brother on either side. “REST, Leo.” Raph reiterated. Mikey giggled and squeezed in between them. Donnie felt a smile creep across his face as the heat of his brothers warmed his body and heart. “Yeah…let’s.”

That’s all folks! Thanks for reading!

Lmk what you think!!

@urlocalllama @mrsscribbler @ramelcandy 👀