#I’m appreciating the art and ignoring the artist bro

[yuttikkele]

tiktok paw patrol fans are CRAZY. WDYM “RYDER’S SO FINE?” HE’S TEN. YOU EITHER ARENT OLD ENOUGH TO BE ON THE INTERNET OR YOU NEED TO GO SEE A PROFESSIONAL. YOU CAN LIKE, AGE HIM UP IF YOU REALLY WANT TO YOU KNOW? STOP SAYING A TEN YEAR OLD IS HOT.

[chibishortdeath]

Fuck it, Simon Belmont, because why not you basically themed your blog after him

You don’t have any specific numbers, so I’m just answering every question >:3c mwahahaha—

1. “Why do you like this character”:

A lot of reasons!!! First off, most of his games are super fun and some of my favorite platformers just in general. I replay CV1, Simon’s Quest, and SCV4 most often cause they’re a real joy to play! I also absolutely LOVE Simon’s story, I’ve considered making comics about it if I could ever get out of recent art block whoops, even though I’ve seen many people say he doesn’t have one (´TωT｀). His designs are really cool, he’s got great music in his games, there’s just a lot to love and I’ll explain more in detail in other questions.

2. “Favorite canon thing?”

I really like the concept that he looks up to Christopher as this legendary hero and then ends up considered the same kind of legendary hero by Juste and others after him. It’s pretty ironic, kinda bittersweet, especially after being hated for so long. Castlevania loves its cycles like that. Also just Simon’s Quest in general, I love that game.

3. “Least favorite canon thing?”

Ooo that’s very hard. There’s kinda a lot of things about him that aren’t explained or confirmed, especially personality wise, but I kinda like that in a way cause it leaves room for interpretation and whatnot. Idk hmmm. I’m gonna go with Grimoire of Souls in general. I had some hopes for it, but it ended up being kinda lame. A lot of the characterization was weird and don’t even start me on things like the Cursed Whip theory being in there 💀. So I just choose to ignore it and not consider it canon.

4. “If you could put this character in another media, what would it be?”

I have thought about drawing him as if he was a character in other series for ages lol. I’ve already drawn him as a Pokémon trainer, I’ve thought about drawing Castlevania and Soul Eater crossovers before, and I tried drawing him in the style of Resident Evil 1 but could not get the art style down. Idk put him in Fortnite or something that’d be funny we already got Solid Snake so Konami has been in talks with them I guess X,,,,,,,,,,D

5. “What’s the first song that comes to mind when you think of them?”

Probably either Simon’s Theme (of course lol) or Bloody Tears, but I do wanna mention that I have a YouTube playlist of songs I wanna make Simon animations with eventually (alas animation is HARD).

6. “What’s something you have in common with the character?”

Mostly negative things unfortunately d(;w; ). Like self comparison, doubt in my own abilities, trouble making and keeping friends, etc etc. Although a lot of these are based on assumptions and interpretations, as a lot of him usually is. Simon does have a really similar hair color to me on the NES box art tho so that’s cool.

7. “What’s something the fandom does with this character that you like?”

There’s a lot of really nice art of him!!! Usually portraits, but sometimes there’s other doodles and whatnot too :3. Cool fan redesigns too! I also have seen a lot of neat headcanons, a lot of which I’ve adopted. I also appreciate the Captain N reunion stuff for the most part, it’s pretty wholesome.

8. “What’s something the fandom does with this character that you don’t like?”

I’ve seen a lot of comics, especially around when Smash Bros Ultimate came out, that were really… weird. I think all of them could kinda be boiled down to “old = bad” in the way that the artists probably just found out he was from the 1600s and then decided to make him the Boomer to Richter’s Gen Z for whatever reason (ya know despite Richter being from the 1700s but anyway). Simon would either be the jerk in the situation and/or the butt of the joke. I don’t think that Simon would have any issue with any of the female characters’ outfits let alone start harassing them for it. I saw some comics that made fun of him for not speaking very much in some genuinely disgusting ways too. Like making him not able to read or practically just the generic caveman stereotype. Especially in cases where the artist would depict other silent NES protagonists really nicely after making Simon out to be a complete idiot and asshole. There was also the trend of making him generally be all “oh no witchcraft!!!!!!!!!! What sin!!!!!!! The horror!!!!!!!!” about like anything and everything. I guess a lot of this comes from Smash Bros fans not usually being fans of Castlevania, but I’ve seen it in the Castlevania fandom too just less frequently. There’s also the “Simon has no story” thing oof. I’ve seen people tell people to skip his games or play fan games instead before :(

9. “Could you be roommates with this character?”

Realistically, no, my room is too small for another person :(. If that wasn’t an issue, then yeah probably :).

10. “Could you be best friends with this character?”

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO—

11. “Would you date this character?”

No, he’s probably married, generally feels more like a bestie, and I’m aroace lol

12. “What headcanon do you have for this character?”

Too many oh my god. I think he probably makes things. That’s a very vague sentence lol, but think like armor, knives, general woodworking, all his necklaces and headbands and stuff, etc. He generally seems like he keeps to himself and lives mostly alone, so I can see him doing all that by himself. He keeps some bones and teeth of things he hunts most of the time. A lot of people have him as the most super Christian of the family, but I see him as like Christian but really not organized or strict about it, if that makes sense? I’ve seen someone else describe the Belmonts as like “Christopagan” before and yeah I think that fits. Idk why but I have consistently drawn him with his cross necklace in his mouth sometimes. I headcanon him as semiverbal (I think that’s the correct term for it, basically like inbetween speaking and nonspeaking). I like to think he’s like really average height for the 1600s cause he’s about as tall as other townspeople and skeletons and stuff. Which is funny cause that’d make him like 5’5-5’7 ish and that’s kinda short in modern day lol. And I guess that makes his 8bit sprite being used all the time make more sense XD. I have way more, I didn’t even get into Simon’s Quest related ones, but I don’t wanna make this too long aaaaaaaaaaaa

13. “What’s an emoticon that reminds you of the character or you think they’d use a lot?”

Ok this is funny cause I actually do have one for this and it’s got context. It’s the “:3”. So I was watching a bunch of people’s playthroughs one night cause I was bored and ran into a channel with a toooooon of speedruns of maps from Harmony of Despair. Whenever they’d get to a boss battle they’d use the typing feature just to go “hi” with a different cutesy emoticon every time, but when they got to Dracula they specifically went for the “hi :3” and then went “oh no :(“ when Dracula started attacking and now that’s the way I think he’d text I guess.

14. “Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character”

How does one properly explain how much this guy slays in one aesthetic term—

15. “What’s your favorite ship for this character?”

Oooooo, in canon probably like his wife (Selena) and/or the Mysterious Woman (who could be the same character depending on what theories you go by), but outside of that Simon Belmont x Getsu Fuma and I can’t even explain exactly why, but it’s pretty cute.

16. “What’s your least favorite ship for this character?”

Any BelmontXBelmont shipping ugh, it’s unfortunately really common on some places… also the whole Lucas or Pit or whatever other child character thing the smash bros fandom had ugh. I guess I also just don’t see the appeal of shipping any of the Belmonts with Dracula.

17. “What’s a ship you don’t hate but it’s not your favorite?”

I’ve also seen people ship him with Solid Snake, Palutena, or Bayonetta before. Ummm he doesn’t really have a lot of other characters he’s shipped with tbh. Idk I saw someone ship him with one of the priests from Simon’s Quest once.

18. “Relationship in canon you admire?”

Unfortunately he doesn’t really talk to people enough in game to form canon relationships 😔

19. “Relationship in canon you don’t like?”

I don’t even know if I can answer this one for the same reasons as the above 💀💀💀. I guess the townspeople hating the hell out of him, but I don’t hate that cause it’s kinda integral to the plot???? Yeah idk lol

20. “What character is the ideal best friend for this character?”

Simon and Shanoa would get along a lot I think. Sara too. Hmmmm… I think he and Alucard would probably also be good friends. Christopher too for many reasons. Simon just really needs friends my poor dude is out here in Dracula’s Castle and the Romanian countryside after being cursed alone like this poor guy :’(

21. “If you’re a fic writer, what’s your favorite thing to do when writing this character? What’s something you don’t like?”

I have not written much at all, however what small comics I have done I looooove to make sure to sprinkle in whatever symbols he has in the games into it. He has a lot of cool things ranging from like rose thorns to The Hanged Man card and a lot of them end up meaning things like martyrdom and whatnot idk I made a post about it a while ago :3. I also like specifically Simon’s Quest speculation stuff, like what if scenarios for the vague, left open spots of it. If it’s not something super angsty or lore heavy, it’s usually just wholesome character interactions or doodling him being comforted by Christopher or Trevor cause I was sad or something lol. As far as things I don’t like writing uh idk that’s hard, maybe just any kind of filler scenes cause I’m not very good at those oof. Dialogue is hard too 💀💀💀

22. “If you’re a fic reader, what’s something you like/don’t like to see in fics?”

I’ve mentioned a lot of things I don’t like seeing in uh question 8, but things I do like is when people really try to go full horror with him. I’ve seen some Simon’s Quest fics (sadly there’s very few :’3) that really try to get that same feeling of anxiousness and dread the game does and I love that honestly. It’s a really dark story in the series! I also saw one that went psychological horror with it with him kinda losing himself a little at night it’s just ough it’s cool :D! Simon is a horror protagonist! Make him afraid!!!

23. “Favorite picture of this character?”

Again, too many!!! X3

24. “What other character from another fandom reminds you of them?”

Not from fandoms I am in (yet, hopefully I’ll get into these), but Ragnvaldr from Fear and Hunger I’ve heard is just directly inspired by him and Alfred from Bloodborne also, to me, seems heavily inspired by him. The whole Vilebloods section seems very Castlevania inspired tbh. From other fandoms I’m in, that’s hard to say, there’s not really any I don’t think.

25. “What was your first impression of this character, is it the same as now?”

Well I got into Castlevania through Smash Bros and at first was completely indifferent about him, he was just kinda fun to play as. Then Richter got me to play SotN and actually get into the series more. I had no idea I had SotN on XBOX360 for a long time, but that made it pretty easy to start playing. And now I am absolutely hooked and Simon is my favorite character so uh yeah X3.

26. “Freebie!”

I guess I just say anything? Ok, I am currently half trying to cosplay Simon’s Simon’s Quest design rn! I have like everything but the armor, but I’ll have to wait a while to be able to get materials for it oof. But yeah :). Hopefully that works out. 

Ok yeah that’s pretty dang long wow, but yeah, thanks for the ask!!!! I am happy to rant about Simon anytime :3

[kashuan]

Hey how come you like agamemnon? I'm really not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely curious because i always saw him as a bad guy. Plus do you also like clytemnestra?

okay so pro tip, almost all the main characters in the iliad are ‘bad guys’ (even fandom’s He’s Just Misunderstood favorite achilles. if you think a man sacrificing his child because god demanded it as bad, how about the one who decapitates a kid he possibly tried to force himself on and then tosses their severed head at their family just for the drama of it all). so if that’s your metric for liking characters in this story you’re gonna have a bad time unless you selectively ignore pieces of canon. also, liking a character =/= thinking they’re a good guy, so there’s that. that said, to me, agamemnon is, in general, one of if not the most compelling character in the iliad, in part because he has a more interesting backstory than most, and though it’s obvious the iliad wasn’t written with a lot of it actually in mind, you can definitely make the connection between some of his actions within it and his character’s history. this makes for a lot of compelling potential to work with that, as an artist/writer, i especially enjoy. i also just think his role in the iliad is an interesting one which isn’t just power hungry warlord out for himself (but it is An aspect and one i like!) but also man who sincerely wants to help his little bro out, and man who sincerely cares to some extent about his people (also both aspects found in the text but seem to be commonly missed by the fandom, which i’ll get into more in a second). finally, this is a personal preference thing, but i’d also much rather read about a deeply flawed character, and analyze why they are the way they are, than a “good” one who i can’t really relate to at all. now for my hot take that is actually rather lukewarm at this point because anyone following me has heard me say it for years, lol, but i feel like agamemnon is the Actual misunderstood character of the iliad ‘fandom’. i have no idea how much or what you’ve read so this is no comment whatsoever on you! but in general, some of the most popular summaries of his character are things like “thoughtlessly kills daughter due to being purely motivated by personal greed” (incorrect) and "is mean to achilles for no other reason than that he’s a rude jerk >:( and their relationship never develops past that point” (incorrect) and “is generally terrible to his family, was hated by them” (incorrect). there’s a lot of depth and complexity to his character that is sooo often missed, I think because people either didn’t actually read the entirety of the iliad, or didn’t read the stories adjacent to it-- which isn’t like, wrong, necessarily, not trying to be the ‘you’re a Fake iliad fan if you haven’t...’ here, but it does give a very incomplete picture of his character, basically that of a two dimensional villain. which is one thing if you’re just a casual fan in passing but another if you’re a PROFESSIONAL WRITER HIRED TO WRITE A TV/MOVIE SCRIPT and er uh what i’m not eternally salty every official adaption over the past 50 years has contributed to this common misconception of his character it’s fine I’m Fine :^) one thing i always recommend to people who ask me for a little more info on aga is to check out some articles on sites like jstor or academia.edu about him, there are some fantastic analyses out there that catch a lot of commonly missed nuance to his character and break it down really well. off the top of my head, This article as well as This one are both great examples, and worth checking out if you are interested in learning a little more about the complexity of the character who isn’t entirely unsympathetic. also, yes! i really like clytemnestra from the standpoint of being an equally flawed and complex character. i really wish there was more content of the early years of her and aga’s marriage because i love the idea of Them so much (as you can probably tell if you look at even just a little of my iliad art, lol). i do not like Fandom #girlboss clytemnestra though for reasons i could ramble about for another few paragraphs here but won’t because I’ve gone into it before; check my house of atreus/iliad tags and it’s probably in there somewhere if you’re interested :,D anyway, thanks for the ask, not rude at all! I always appreciate when people are open to discussion on the subject ♥

[yukipri]

On Koala and Fishman Karate - a One Piece Mermaid AU Story

Not an ask response, but here with another story which was posted last month on Patreon!

I never actually intended on writing this, because this was originally supposed to just be exposition leading up to Marco's Bauble 2, and kinda explaining why Luffy's being tutored in Fishman Karate. But, it ended up being too long and going off on WAY too many unrelated tangents, so I chopped it off and made it its own thing ^ ^;

Mostly introspective, with Koala x Luffy, mention of Sabo x Luffy, and some thoughts on Nami from Koala's perspective as well.

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Koala gently nudges Luffy's hand a little higher, and the mermaid makes a tiny whine of frustration as she sways on her tail, trying her best to maintain the posture she's been taught. Luffy glares at her own fist with such adorable determined ferocity that Koala doesn't have the heart to tell her that she doesn't need to try so hard, and that if anything, staying relaxed is the point.

Koala's been trying to teach Luffy Fishman Karate during the few lulls between their adventures. She knows that the disciplined martial art is probably not Luffy's style, but Fishman Karate focusses fishmen and merfolks' innate sensitivity to water. It's honed for combat in this case, but it can be applied to daily life as well, which is why fishman karate is a regular part of grade school curriculum on Fishman Isand. When one lives surrounded entirely by water, ten thousand meters below sea level, it's remarkably beneficial to be in tune with it.

Even if Luffy never fully masters it, Koala's sure she can gain something of value to apply to her regular fighting style, and even if not, it's part of her heritage. It's why Koala had insisted on teaching her, and Sabo had grudgingly agreed (Koala knows the grudging part mostly comes from Sabo still being petty about being terrible at it himself. Which, shouldn't come as a surprise since fishmen arts are difficult for non fishmen and merfolk, but it gives Koala something to rub in his face, which is always wonderful).

It's nice, Koala thinks as she sings praises in Luffy's ear while fixing her posture once again. It's nice because even though Koala'll do any assignment thrown her way, and will do anything to further her primary goal of achieving justice for fishmen and merfolk, being an assistant Fishman Karate instructor is her actual formal position in the Revolutionary Army. It's so easy to forget, with the number of missions she's been on with her acting support for Sabo and others, and the increasing amount of time she spends away from Baltigo and her students. But suddenly, she's given an unexpected opportunity to actually practice and share her passion, and to someone who could really benefit from it too. It would be an utter waste for Luffy to not learn from Koala while they travel together.

(Even if it means Sabo sulks and stews with pathetically transparent jealousy over losing sibling bonding time. He can deal. He'll have plenty of time later.)

And well, Luffy's honestly a joy as a student too. Even if explanations mostly go over her head, she's got amazing physical intuition and picks things up fast. And she's so dedicated, staring at Koala with wide eyes like she holds the secrets to the universe when Koala shows her something new, always blurting out her awe exactly as she feels it and--it's endearing.

Luffy, everything about her, is honestly endearing.

The fishman karate tutoring sessions are honestly the only times Koala can have alone with the mermaid (or as alone as one can be, on the deck of a small vessel like Merry), especially without Mr. Nosy Possessive Big Bro butting in between them. So yes, maybe Koala enjoys spending time with Luffy for reasons other than just getting to do karate together, but she'll confess that to Sabo over her own dead body.

Not that Koala thinks it really matters; Sabo's already giving her the Suspicious Stink Eye (though to be fair, he gives that to everyone other than Ace). And yeah, in hindsight she honestly should have expected his suspicion, given how well her partner knows knows her dating history.

I'm warning you, Koala, Sabo'd grouched when they were alone, dropping his Cool Big Bro act to reveal the Shitty Little Dumpster Brat that Koala knows and grew up with. Don't even think about it with Luffy. Even if she's infinitely cuter than what were their names...Marinara and Cartwheels.

Their names were Marina and Kara. And I don't date every mermaid I meet!

Koala's honestly offended, but decides to let it go; Sabo's overwhelmed by his sudden wave of previously repressed Brotherly Love, and he's still not entirely rational (not that rational's a particularly good word to apply to him at any time). And she doesn't have a thing for fishgals and mermaids, she swears. She just happens to spend a disproportionate amount of time working with them, given her specific focus in the Revolutionary Army. It just makes sense.

Or fine, maybe she has a slight thing for them. And, well, maybe Luffy's her type. Just a little bit. On top of being, well, a super cute pupil. But Koala's not going to do anything, other than enjoy spending time together! Is she not allowed even that?

But, the point is, Sabo's being ridiculous! Koala's been his partner for years! Doesn't he trust Koala enough to know that she'd treasure Luffy, in the very hypothetical situation they ever dated?

(Koala knows the answer to that, knew it the moment she saw Sabo's expression melt as he cupped Luffy's face, and sighs. She never imagined she'd be love rivals against Sabo of all people, but well, shit happens.)

Anyway, Fishman Karate times are Koala's times with Luffy, and if Sabo comes poking his snooty little nose into their sessions, well, Koala's happy to volunteer him as a punching bag. Which he knows, hence why he's not here.

In fact, the deck is mostly empty, the other members of their limited crew occupying themselves elsewhere. Their sole observer is the navigator, sitting by the rail and marking up some maps, seemingly not paying attention.

But Koala knows that Nami's very much attuned to their lesson, her head jerking every time a particularly hard smack lands.

Koala doesn't blame her. She's aware of what Arlong did, had had to swallow bile when she accessed the full report when it came through, days before their fateful meeting with Luffy and the ASL pirates. She knows what Nami must think of fishmen, and to know that her impression came from former Sun Pirates leaves Koala feeling a special kind of numb.

Because that isn't what they're like at all, she wants to say. The Sun Pirates, to Koala, are a gleaming example of why fishmen deserve better, and are victims of human prejudice and ignorance. It's terrible that they mean the opposite to Nami. But given her experiences, Koala knows she has no right to preach at her. If anything, she just feels sad, and bitter, knowing that the cycle of hatred can come back to hurt those so very far away from where it started.

Koala guides Luffy's arms into position again, and despite Luffy struggling to remember everything mentally, the young mermaid's body easily accepts the form. It's an art designed for her kind after all, unlike the marine martial arts that Sabo said their grandfather had beaten into them. Koala's sure Luffy struggled with those, unable to fully copy moves that require certain feet positions, and an assumption of a more human perception of the world. But this, Fishman Karate, was made for her.

Nami twitches again, and Koala makes a note of it. She knows Nami has likely seen the form before; there were several martial artists in Arlong's group.

She knows it's difficult to watch, but admires Nami's stubborn determination in doing so. Koala's sure that part of Nami's reason for watching is to make sure Koala doesn't teach anything unsavory to Luffy, and she respects that wariness, because they haven't known each other long enough for Nami to open up to Koala and her history of friendship with fishmen.

But, and it's only a guess, but Koala thinks Nami also watches to try to learn and accept this part of her captain as well. Koala might not be important, but Luffy is the captain Nami's pledged to follow, for all that Ace is also her captain. And whether she likes it or not, Luffy's a mermaid, which, while not the exact same as fishmen, has plenty of things in common.

Now that she's no longer isolated on an island in East Blue, heading closer to Fishman Island which they'll inevitably have to cross in order to enter the New World, Luffy's learning more about herself. Specifically, the mer part of herself. And she'd be doing that, regardless of whether Koala's there to help her along.

Koala thinks it wise that Nami's forcing herself to learn alongside Luffy, so that there are no surprises, and that one day, she doesn't wake up and realize that her captain shares far too much with her tormentors for her to handle. Koala hopes that Nami's love and acceptance for Luffy will plant a seed of hope that eventually helps her accept other fishmen and merfolk, to see that they're not all Arlong--but Koala can wait.

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Thanks so much for reading if you got through this~! <3 As always any comments/thoughts are super appreciated!

❀ ❀ Send YukiPri an Ask! ❀ ❀

~This ask has been added to the Mermaid AU Text Headcanons Compilation post~

[tumbleweed-palmer]

Unexpected: Jimmy Palmer x Original Character Chapter Two

Tony regretted the words the moment they left his lips. He had taken it way too far and he’d done the worst possible thing he could ever do in his eyes. He’d made his baby sister cry. He could see the tears pooling in her eyes as she’d screamed at him to leave her apartment.

He’d hurt her. That was the worst sin he could ever possibly commit. He’d always had that classic big brother attitude of “If you make my baby sister cry, I’ll break your legs.” He had always been the one who protected her and made sure she didn’t get hurt. He’d never considered he’d be the one who hurt her.

He felt like garbage at the moment. He felt lower than garbage. He was pretty sure he was akin to that gross layer of slime and bacteria filled liquid that developed at the bottom of a dumpster on a particularly hot day.

As Tony paced his apartment he found himself agonizing over this entire mess. This was so unexpected. He’d never imagined this would be a possibility.

He was just so angry to see Jimmy Palmer in Olivia’s apartment and to realize just what they’d been doing all this time. Tony felt betrayed even more so as they’d explained exactly what was going on. This had been going on a full year. It had been an entire year of both Olivia and Jimmy lying straight to his face.

He’d worked closer than usual with Jimmy this past year especially during that period of time when Gibbs had taken a short retirement. Tony had stepped up then leading the unit for months and he’d learned to turn to Jimmy for advice on cases more than once. Jimmy was a great confidant and Tony knew he could go to him trusting that the words they exchanged would stay between them. Jimmy had spent all that time working by Tony��s side and letting Tony confide in him, all while Jimmy was betraying him and carrying on with Tony’s little sister. Jimmy had been working with Tony during the day and going straight to Olivia every night.

He had known Jimmy for years now and Jimmy was the last person Tony would ever dream would mislead him. Sure, Jimmy had lied to everyone during his fling with Michelle Lee, but it had been so obvious what was going on to anyone with two working eyes. Jimmy was a terrible liar. He had a guilty conscience and never could keep up a lie. Clearly though Jimmy was a far more proficient liar than Tony had ever given him credit for. He’d kept such a massive secret from Tony. It was such an act of deception. Tony had even asked Jimmy point blank what was going on with Olivia and he. Jimmy had told Tony that there was nothing going on, just a friendship. Tony had thought he’d made it perfectly clear that his baby sister was untouchable.

It was supposed to be part of the bro-code wasn’t it? You didn’t hook up with your friend’s little sister. That was an unspoken rule. Oh, crap, was this how Probie felt when Tony flirted with his little sister? This was so much worse than just a little harmless flirting though.

Jimmy and Olivia had been sneaking around behind Tony’s back all this time. Olivia had left evidence of it along Jimmy’s neck for months now. The thought of his little sister doing that to Jimmy made Tony feel sick to his stomach. He’d spent all that time teasing Jimmy over the hickies unaware that Olivia was the culprit behind all those lovebites. The fact that Tony had made jokes about “lady gremlin being frisky” had made him feel sick. Not to mention Tony had made plenty of jokes about the suggested hotness of Jimmy’s little lady friend and all the experience she must have. The fact that Olivia was the Lady Gremlin made Tony’s skin crawl.

Olivia had lied to Tony’s face more than once over this past year. The fact that his sister who he loved more than anyone on the planet had lied to his face hurt the most.

Tony had definitely noticed that his little sister and the Autopsy Gremlin were occasionally spending time together. He’d not been shy about interrogating Olivia over her new friendship with Jimmy. She’d always insisted that Jimmy was just a friend and that they only spent time together when Olivia needed a second opinion on whatever art piece she was working on at the time. She’d seemed so sincere about it all as she’d spoken to Tony. “Trust me, Jimmy is just helping me out and giving me some feedback on how the anatomy is looking on a few of my paintings. I’m really wanting to turn more of my focus towards painting, but I’m insecure about it. Photography was always my bigger focus back in school. You know getting the anatomy down has always been a weak point for me when it comes to painting. I want to make sure everything looks reasonable and realistic. Jimmy is a really excellent resource to have. He has such a deep understanding of the structure of a human body and he’s actually pretty artistically gifted as well. He’s shown me some of the sketches he’s done. He drew up this amazing sketch of a human heart. It looks so realistic and he really nailed all the fine details. So, he’s the perfect person for me to ask for some guidance. We just meet up for coffee occasionally and he helps me out in exchange for me buying him a pastry and giving him feedback on his own sketches. He’s self taught for the most part, so he really appreciates having the feedback from someone who went to school for art. It’s no big deal. He’s a nice guy, a little awkward, but still good enough company. We don’t even discuss anything but art.”

Tony of course hadn’t liked the idea of Olivia spending time with Jimmy even with her insistence that it was all perfectly innocent. She’d always been so insistent that it was just a friendship and nothing more.

To find out that she’d lied about everything between Jimmy and she was such a betrayal. She’d had so many opportunities to come clean about it all, and she’d taken not one of them.

Tony had been so upset and he’d wanted Olivia to hurt just as badly as she’d hurt him. Tony had always been gifted when it came to really going for the jugular during fights. He could find a weak spot in whoever he was fighting with and destroy them emotionally. He could find your biggest insecurity and use it to break you. Tony guessed he’d learned it from his father. Dinozzo Senior had always had a way of using people’s insecurities to drag them down and Tony guessed that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

The realization that he’d been no better than his father made Tony feel sick. He’d always sworn he’d be nothing like Dinozzo Senior.

Maybe this anger had been building for a while. Tony would be lying if he tried to say that he didn’t feel some resentment for his sister deep down inside.

After all it seemed as though Olivia Sofia Dinozzo could do no wrong in Dinozzo Senior’s eyes. No matter how much she fucked up Dinozzo Senior kept feeding her trust fund and cleaning up her messes at least when it came to situations where he thought the answer was “throw money at it”.

No, Dinozzo Senior hadn’t exactly given Olivia the affection and adoration that most father’s gave their daughters, but he still had never cut her off.

Tony had been cut off from the family fortune for the simple sin of wanting to go his own way. He hadn’t wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and join the family business. Tony had wanted to go into law enforcement in some capacity and forge his own path. This choice had been unacceptable to Dinozzo Sr. After all Tony was his only son, his namesake. Tony rejecting the expected path of following in his father’s footsteps had been enough of an unforgivable sin to be cut off financially and tossed out into the world to fend for himself.

Olivia had never been given that treatment. Even when she’d decided to pursue art Dinozzo Sr. hadn’t cut her off.

Of course, Tony knew that there were different expectations for him and his sister. Dinozzo Sr. had made that obvious.

Tony was expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and maintain the family name. Olivia was expected to be quiet, look pretty, and eventually marry someone of equal social status.

Dinozzo Senior had seen her artistic endeavors as something to placate her and keep her busy until she found a well-to-do man to marry. He’d seen it as a passing fancy and not a serious way for her to make a career.

She was expected to marry one of her father’s friend’s sons and be a some entitled rich kid's wife. She was expected to keep up the Dinozzo family tradition of keeping up one's social status. She was expected to be the pretty socialite who went to charity functions and kept her mouth shut.

Olivia had rebelled against this of course, but her resistance to playing happy socialite hadn’t been met with the same harshness Tony’s choice to go his own way had been met with.

Deep down Tony knew that Olivia had been failed by their father just as much as he had. She may have had the advantage of not being cut off but she hadn’t had the freedom. Tony had been given the freedom but not the security of the family fortune.

Dinozzo Sr. had turned a blind eye to his daughter’s indiscretions and multitude of fuck ups. He’d ignored her cries for help and taken the path of just giving her more money instead of actually addressing the problem.

Tony was always the one who looked out for her. After all, he adored his sister.

He could remember that when she was born he’d been allowed to come home from boarding school for a week, most likely Olivia’s mother’s attempts to merge the family before she’d realized that Dinozzo Sr. wasn’t a family man. Still though Tony had adored Olivia from the moment he saw her for the first time. He’d been almost a decade older than her, but he’d still adored her so dearly. He’d been so delighted to have a baby sister.

He hadn’t acted the way most older brothers had. He may have pestered her but he never treated her like she was a pain or a burden. If anything he’d always treated her like a little princess, always doting on her and giving into her wants

When their father and her mother had divorced Tony had been despondent fearing he’d never see his sister again. After all, Dinozzo Sr. most likely wasn’t the type to seek out visitation.

When Olivia’s mother had died so suddenly and she’d been sent back to Dinozzo Sr., Tony had been left with a feeling of guilt convinced his heartache over the possibility of never seeing Olivia again had resulted in fate deciding to force her back into his life. Perhaps he’d been so desperate to have his sister back in the family home that fate had heard him and decided to “help” him out.

He knew it was irrational to think that Olivia’s mother’s death had been fate tipping in his favor instead of a terrible accident. Tony had been a teenager when it had happened, but he’d still been young enough to fear that perhaps this had somehow been all his fault.

He guessed that perhaps that sense of guilt had made him overcompensate when it came to his relationship with Olivia.

He made sure to include her in his interests, sharing his favorite movies with her and covering for her when she’d gotten herself into trouble.

He’d set a precedent of always emotionally supporting her and looking out for her, almost as though he was her father instead of her brother.

There had been several times over the years where Tony had seriously feared for her safety. He’d dreaded late night phone calls unsure if it would be his scared sister calling for his help or someone calling to tell him she was hurt or worse dead.

Olivia had made impulsive stupid choices and surrounded herself with people who were making far worse choices.

Olivia may have had the security of the family fortune but she’d never really felt secure. She’d never felt peace with herself. She’d always been troubled. Even when she was a child, she’d been so starved for love. She’d always searched for affection and security from other sources realizing she wasn’t getting it from her father.

She found herself clinging to men who didn’t even care about her. They were more interested in getting in her pants than actually loving her. She found herself attaching herself to anyone who gave her even the smallest bit of attention and praise. She didn’t care if the affection only lasted one night. She just seemed so starved for acceptance.

She remained in toxic friendships with people who didn’t actually care about her. She’d figured any company was better than being left alone with her thoughts. She convinced herself that they understood her because they’d come from the same social circles and had the same familial issues. She’d ignored red flags telling herself that it was nothing to worry about.

Tony had been relieved that she’d at least stayed away from anything harder than alcohol and pot. She hadn’t stayed away from her friends though and her friends hadn’t stayed away from much harder substances.

Tony lost count of the nights where he’d gone out searching for her through nightclubs and penthouse parties. He’d lost count of the times he’d dragged her from some house party pretending that he didn’t notice the lines of cocaine her friends were indulging in. He’d pretended that getting phone calls from her where she was drunk and needed him to come get her was just a normal part of his Friday night.

Anytime he’d pressed the issue and confronted her about her friend’s behavior or her reckless choices she’d brushed off his concerns.

The conversation always went the same. She always had the same responses. She’d always been so fast to insist. “I’m a big girl Tony. I’m perfectly capable of handling myself. I’m not an idiot. I don’t touch the hard stuff. My friends have offered but I have no interest in it. I know that stuff ruins you. I only smoke the occasional joint and I drink, but nothing more. Trust me, I’m fine. I know you do it because you love me but trust me you don’t have to worry so much about me. I’m okay. Please, don’t freak out on me and act like I’m some kind of junkie. I’m fine, It’s not a big deal. I’m still young, I’m supposed to be out having a good time. I’m maintaining my coursework and managing my life fine.”

She’d always paused before speaking again pointing out the obvious. “Besides you don’t have much room to lecture me about the company I keep or my indiscretions, especially when we both know you have a revolving door of women in your life and you so aren’t the poster boy for clean living. It’s hypocritical to lecture me about my bad choices.”

There was only so much Tony could do. After all she was a grown woman. Even when she was still a teenager making the same choices his hands had been tied. Dinozzo Sr. had been her guardian and he wasn’t going to do a thing about it. So Tony had been left doing what he could do for her as she’d entered her early twenties and continued to make the same bad choices.

There was only so much you could do for someone who clearly was not interested in changing.

He hadn’t seen it as enabling her. He’d seen it as giving her a lifeline.

He’d made sure she had his phone number programmed into her cell phone and had made sure she knew she could call him anytime no matter how late it was and no matter what situation she was in.

She’d always called him when it became too much and Tony had counted it as a small victory. At least she called him to come get her instead of sticking out bad situations. He was was able to collect her from danger and he knew she was safe.

When she’d finally hit rock bottom it had been a relief.

A friend’s drug overdose had been enough to scare her into admitting she needed to change. She’d admitted that she was scared and in over her head and she needed help.

It had been painful but for the first time Tony felt like he could breathe. She was safe and she was going to be okay.

He’d helped her straighten her life out. She’d started therapy and had kicked the party lifestyle. She’d dropped her toxic friends and awful boyfriends and had gotten her head on straight. She’d thrown herself into her art and had managed to find some freelance work that had allowed her to travel.

Sure, Tony had worried about her traveling but she’d kept in contact with him calling him at least once a week. She’d seemed so much lighter and so much happier. She’d actually been at peace with being on her own. It seemed as though she’d finally dropped her unhealthy coping mechanisms. She’d seemed to be at peace with herself.

When Olivia had announced to Tony that she’d found a local job and would be moving to the Virginia DC area it had been a relief. He’d have her close by where he could keep a closer eye on her.

He had thought having her so close by so near his support would be good for her.

He’d never imagined that having her in the same city would mean having her hook up with one of his coworkers.

What could she even possibly see in Jimmy? Of all the guys she could have gone for she went for the Autopsy Gremlin?

What about him was even slightly appealing to her? When Tony thought of Jimmy he saw an awkward mess of a human being. Jimmy with his tendency to slouch, and his all too large ears and thin lips. Jimmy with the same out of style glasses he’d been wearing since college. Jimmy who had the ghoulish career path and the less than appropriate sense of humor. Jimmy who honestly seemed like a total nerd. Jimmy so didn’t seem like the type of guy Olivia usually went for.

What did they even have in common?

Was this just the old Olivia making a reappearance, going for anyone who showed her affection? This did seem to follow her M.O.

Tony didn’t think anyone could blame him for assuming the worst given what he knew about his sister’s past approach to romance.

Then again Olivia and Jimmy had both seemed so sincere. Jimmy definitely didn’t seem to be the kind of guy to use a girl for a good time. Jimmy seemed to be more the type to be grateful for any kind of female attention. Tony didn’t think this was just a case of Olivia using Jimmy; attaching herself to him because she knew he’d give her all the affection and loyalty on the planet.

If anything, it all seemed to be the real deal. Jimmy did seem sincere in his declarations of love for Olivia. Maybe that meant Olivia was just as sincere?

Maybe Tony had been wrong?

Still though that didn’t excuse the lies. Still though, the lies didn’t excuse his reaction.

A little voice in the back of Tony’s brain told him that if he loved Olivia half as much as he claimed to, didn’t he owe it to her to at least hear her out? Didn’t she deserve a little trust?

Would she even want to speak to him now though? Now that he’d upset her, chances are she wouldn’t want to hear from him anytime soon.

Tony groaned at the thought. He’d really screwed up and he wasn’t sure if there was a way of fixing it.

He made a last ditch effort reaching for his cell, typing up the text message knowing it was better than nothing.

“We need to talk.”

He tossed his cell down on his sofa knowing he had a snowball’s chance in hell of actually hearing anything back, but he didn’t know what to do.

He’d made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

……………………………………………………………………………………

Jimmy could admit he felt so lost. He’d been putting on a brave face for Olivia’s sake. He’d thrown himself face first into soothing her and doting on her, trying his best to make her feel loved and reassured.

He felt so lost though. He didn’t know how to fix any of this. Wasn’t he partially to blame for this entire mess?

He should have manned up a long time ago. He should have reassured Olivia that it was okay to tell Tony about them. He should have put his foot down and insisted that they tell Tony about their relationship a long time ago.

He’d been so resistant to do so though. He’d told himself that he needed to follow Olivia’s lead on this.

Now he had to watch Olivia cry over their failures.

He could have saved her so much heartache had he just insisted that they step up and tell Tony everything consequences be damned. Sure Tony might have freaked out, he may have even punched Jimmy, but at least the truth would have been revealed on their own terms.

Jimmy knew that he should have cast aside his doubts and fears and just told Tony everything. He could have convinced Olivia to come clean and they could have been saved from this heartache.

Jimmy knew it was too little too late though. They had made their bed and now they were lying in it.

That didn’t erase the guilt he felt over this entire situation though.

His head felt like a mess as he laid in her bed Olivia’s sleeping form in his arms. At least he’d gotten her to fall asleep but there had still been plenty of tears from Olivia all day. When he’d thought she might have run out of tears she somehow found more.

He knew her heart was so broken.

Tony Dinozzo had always been Olivia’s hero. She’d admitted that much to Jimmy. Jimmy had always appreciated being able to see Tony through Olivia’s eyes. She’d described a big brother who would give her the world if she asked for it. She’d described a man who fretted over her and taught her to throw her first punch. She’d described a man who had taught her to drive and had snuck her into her first R rated movie. She’d talked about how heartbroken she’d been when their father had disowned Tony. She’d talked about how Tony had still made an effort to keep in contact with her even if he was out of contact with Dinozzo Sr. Tony had never forgotten her even after he’d been cast out into the world by their father with out a safety net.

She talked about Tony with such reverence. She’d described a man who doted on her and shared such a tight bond with her. It had always been Tony and her against the world, or at least Tony and her against Dinozzo Sr.

Tony was the one who had always shown her unconditional love. She’d never been able to expect unconditional love from Dinozzo Sr. Her father was more the type to remind his children that his love had terms and conditions. Tony had never made her feel as though his love for her had any sort of conditions though. The fact that her brother loved her had always been an absolute understanding. No matter what she did, Olivia knew that her brother would always love her.

The words he’d said to her tonight though, had shown her that the love Tony felt wasn’t as unconditional as she’d believed.

He had let out so much resentment for her, so much bitterness for all the times he’d had to rescue her from herself. He had thrown her past right in her face and insinuated that she was just picking back up all her old habits. He’d insinuated that what she had with Jimmy was nothing more than her falling into bed with Jimmy because he gave her some sense of approval. Tony had ignored her insistence that she had changed for the better.

Tony told her she was too much to put up with and too hard to love. He could have shot her and it would have been less painful than hearing those words.

Jimmy was left feeling trapped between rage towards Tony and heartbreak for Olivia.

Jimmy had done the only thing he could think to do for her. He’d taken a good long bath with her knowing that baths were always a place of comfort for Olivia. She’d even confessed to him that the main reason she’d signed a lease on this apartment in particular was the massive soaking tub that had been recently installed into the bathroom.

She’d always loved baths and she’d taught Jimmy to enjoy them as well. She’d had to do very little coaxing to talk him into joining her in a bath the first time. He’d had to admit it was pretty nice. He was pretty sure if anyone ever accused him of being less than masculine for taking a bubble bath then he could very easily point out that he got to be in a warm bath with a beautiful nude woman pressed against him.

He’d adored taking baths with her enough that he’d even requested doing so on his birthday months ago. She’d definitely indulged him; sitting on the edge of the tub and washing his hair before joining him in the tub where she continued to pamper him. It had been the best birthday he’d ever had by far.

Today’s bath had been less of a joyous occasion though. She’d been quiet for the longest time Jimmy holding her against him running his hands along her body attempting to soothe her.

He’d done his best to keep her distracted, his voice soft and gentle. “Did I ever tell you the moment I realized I was in love with you?”

He’d spoken again as she shook her head, her voice soft “No.”

He’d continued to caress her skin, the memory still so fresh. “It was when we went to Virginia Beach. It was so hot, just ridiculously so. I didn’t have the heart to tell you I’m not too fond of the beach and that sand makes me all itchy. You seemed so excited about the beach and I decided I’d suffer through the beach if it made you happy. It was hard to be too annoyed when you looked so perfect. You wore that green bikini and those big sunglasses and that blue sundress. You looked so amazing and I felt like I didn’t look like I belonged by your side at all. I actually had a good time, even though we got way too overheated. We got cherry snow cones and sat under a beach umbrella to avoid the heat. I ate mine way too fast. It gave me an awful brain freeze and I’ll never forget what you did. You leaned up and pressed a kiss to my forehead. It was such a silly little action but it was the sweetest thing. I remember thinking I adored you at that moment. How could I not adore a girl whose first thought was to kiss my forehead because I had brain freeze. It hit me that I more than adored you, I loved you so much it almost took my breath away.”

“We hadn’t been dating for that long then. That was only our second official date after we’d confessed that we were into each other.” She spoke her voice soft. He nodded his head, his lips pressing to her neck as he responded.

“True, I was pretty enamored with you long before that though. I’m pretty sure some deep part of me knew that I loved you from the moment you stepped on the elevator that first day we met at NCIS. I don’t know if it was love at first sight, but I think it was a sense of belonging…like my heart knew it belonged with yours as stupid as that sounds. You met my eyes that day in the elevator and it’s like my heart knew that it was going to be you. I thought I was dumb for being so upset at the thought of never seeing you again…I mean we barely spoke that day. I thought maybe I was just lonely and you were so kind to me despite my awkwardness. So, maybe I just felt drawn to you out of loneliness and I’d forget about you before I even knew it….but then we met again at the park two weeks later and it just made me believe that my heart knew it was yours all the more. It was like it was fate pushing us towards each other. I don’t know if I fully believe in soulmates or what have you, but I think that maybe sometime way back before the universe was formed that maybe we were part of the same star or atom or whatever we were before we were us. How else can I explain how my heart knew it belonged to you?”

Olivia felt her eyes water this time for a completely different reason than the sorrow that had washed over her all day long.

She felt even more come as Jimmy spoke, needing to say the words. “No matter what happens with Tony, the fact that my heart belongs to yours is never going to change. I love you Oli, I don’t care what anyone has to say about it. I promise you the fact that I love you will never change.”

“I love you too.” She managed to work out, turning to snuggle a little closer to him despite the awkward angle she had to turn her body in the bath to make this happen.

Jimmy managed to wipe her tears relieved that the bubbles in the bath had disappeared enough to not leave soap behind on his hands.

He managed to speak knowing it wasn’t the first time he’d said the words today but he knew she needed to keep hearing them. “Tony is wrong. You aren’t hard to love. You’ve never been too much for me. I cannot begin to express just how wrong Tony was about everything he had to say.”

She managed to speak her voice so weak. “He resents me. I put him through hell for years. I was a mess and he had to clean up after me. We’ve never really talked about it…I put him through hell and scared him. I never made my amends with him for any of it. I know he already resented me because our dad never cut me off. Senior let me get away with a lot. I don’t know if Senior didn’t cut me off out of some weird form of paternal love or maybe just to keep face with his friends and avoid the shame of having two disowned kids. Either way I know Tony resents me for it. Tony got cut off for way less than I ever pulled. Tony still cleaned up my messes and supported me though. I know he was so scared for me for so long.”

“That doesn’t mean he has the right to throw it in your face as some attempt to hurt you because he’s pissed off. You made mistakes but you’ve changed. I don’t see a trace of the girl he described. Frankly I don’t care that you were that girl. I know who you are now. I understand why you were that girl Oli. I mean, you know we’ve talked about my issues with my own dad…I understand why you did what you did…Hurt people hurt themselves. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. You’ve been honest with me about that part of your life. Knowing about your past choices has never given me any hesitation when it comes to being with you. You may have given Tony hell but he doesn’t have the right to make you feel awful for it when you’ve worked so hard to do better.” Jimmy insisted trying his best to make her understand.

Why’d she make excuses for Tony? Surely she didn’t think she’d deserved any harshness from him?

He let out a shaky breath unable to stop himself from saying it. “If Tony was here right now I’d tell him exactly what I think about what he had to say to you. It was wrong and he was out of line. I don’t care how upset he was. You didn’t deserve that.”

Olivia spoke knowing she sounded so desperate pleading with him. “Don’t confront him Jimmy. Please, just leave it. I just, it won’t do any good to confront him about any of this. Please, just leave it…for me.”

Jimmy sighed knowing he had no choice. He’d do anything for her. It was his greatest downfall. “Okay, I promise. I’ll leave it.”

Jimmy did intend on leaving it. He knew that he couldn’t betray her request to just leave it be.

He loved her far too much to go against her requests.

It was because he loved her that seeing her so heartbroken hurt him so much.

He thought about calling his mother for some advice, but his mother wasn’t exactly aware of the secrecy surrounding Olivia’s and his relationship. The last thing he wanted to do was explain the situation to his mom.

So, Jimmy did the only thing he could think to do. He left her sleeping form and picked up his cell phone deciding to call the closest thing to a father he had.

He cringed realizing how late it was judging by the sleepy tone to Dr. Mallard’s voice. “Mr. Palmer? Is something wrong?”

Jimmy let out a sigh as he took a seat on the arm of a sofa in Olivia’s living room. He felt the words leave him knowing that there was no point in beating around the bush. “Tony found out about Olivia and me.”

“And I’m guessing by the tone of your voice that Agent Dinozzo didn’t find out on your terms?” Dr. Mallard replied, easily catching on.

Jimmy rubbed his eyes the stress of the day making his head ache. “He showed up to her apartment unannounced and I walked into the room…it was clear by our appearance that we couldn’t just explain away what I was doing there.”

He paused his cheeks flushing, relieved that he had found a way to explain the scene without having to go too in depth. He was sure that mentioning anything surrounding his sex life to his mentor was something he could live without.

He spoke again, another sigh leaving him. “Tony was…angry. I can take him being upset with me…I’d rather he just have hit me…the way he spoke to Olivia. He threw a few things from her past in her face…things she’s ashamed of. She’s so hurt. I just feel so guilty. I should have insisted we come clean to Tony a long time ago. I could have saved her so much pain had I convinced her to let us tell Tony the truth a long time ago.”

“You were doing what you felt was right Mr. Palmer. The woman you love asked you to keep a secret and you couldn’t deny her request. Men in love have done far more foolish things throughout history.” Dr. Mallard insisted.

He spoke again before Jimmy had a chance to respond. “As far as Tony goes, he will have to live with the consequences of lashing out at Olivia.”

Jimmy let out another sigh nodding his head his voice tight. “Olivia doesn’t want me to confront him about it. I feel like an awful boyfriend letting him speak to her like that without confronting him about it. I don’t care what he does to me, I just want him to know that he doesn’t have the right to talk to her that way. I don’t care if he’s her brother, he has no right making her cry.”

“If Olivia has asked you to stand by, you’d be wise to listen to her. Trust me, Mr. Palmer, upsetting the woman who knows where you sleep at night isn’t advisable. Just ask Agent Gibbs or one of his ex wives.” Dr. Mallard pointed out causing a small smile to at least cross Jimmy’s lips.

He nodded his head, a sense of relief washing over him as Dr. Mallard spoke again. “The only thing you can do in the meantime is offer reassurance to Olivia. From the sparse time I have been able to spend with Miss. Dinozzo and you together, I do think it’s very apparent she does love you deeply. She just needs to be reminded that you feel the same for her.”

“I do, I love her so much.” Jimmy admitted not hesitating to say it more sure of the words each time he said them.

“Then keep loving her. Let Tony sort through his emotions. His actions are not your responsibility.” Dr. Mallard pointed out Jimmy nodding his head in agreement.

Ducky was right, Jimmy knew it.

He couldn’t force Tony to make amends with Olivia. The only thing he could do was provide Olivia with the reassurance she needed.

He just hoped and prayed that he could give her enough to soothe her heartache.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Olivia had thought that after a few days she’d start feeling more like herself, but she actually felt miserable.

It had to be stress. She was so distressed that she was making herself sick. It had to be the stress.

The stress was becoming overwhelming enough that she’d been getting sick to her stomach though. This was new. She’d never had stress give her this reaction. Then again, she’d never had a huge argument with her brother either.

Sure, there had been times where Tony had irritated the ever loving crap out of her, but they’d never had a falling out like this.

Tony had texted her once since the weekend, but only once and she had no idea how to interpret his text “We need to talk.”

Hadn’t he done enough talking for them both?

She knew it might be petty, but she’d refused to acknowledge the text message.

She couldn’t force herself to acknowledge it. Responding to it would just lead to more heartbreak.

She’d never dreamed Tony could hurt her. He was the last person she ever believed could hurt her.

He had though. He’d been so cruel. He wouldn’t even shut up for one second and hear Jimmy and her out. Sure, they had fucked up keeping their relationship from him, but that didn’t give him the right to throw every mistake she’d ever made right back in her face.

What had hurt her the most was the implication that this entire thing had just been sex with Jimmy. Yes, Olivia knew she hadn’t exactly always slept with men in the confines of it being within a relationship. She wasn’t ashamed of it.

Tony was completely hypocritical to bring it up though. He wasn’t the poster boy for commitment. He was the one who had a string of never ending sexual partners.

Why was it such a sin for her to have had hook ups in the past? It wasn’t as though Tony had some false belief that she was a virgin.

She resented that Tony would basically imply what he’d implied, even going as far as to ask her why she hadn’t taken McGee to bed while she was at it. If Tony was going to call her a slut, then Olivia would prefer that he had the balls to just come out and say it.

It hurt to think that Tony seemed to think she was incapable of finally finding a stable relationship with someone who loved her so genuinely. Jimmy loved her without any hesitation or fear. Once it had become clear to him that she saw him as far more than just a friend he’d been so unafraid to love her.

Why was that so hard for Tony to wrap his brain around?

Did she really give off the aura that she was so undeserving or far too unstable for love?

Did he really resent her that much?

As the days went on her sorrow molded into anger and back into heartbreak and then back into anger all over again.

She’d at least finally forced Jimmy to go back to work this morning. He’d missed two days of work insisting that Dr. Mallard would understand and Jimmy had plenty of PTO anyway.

She knew he was just worried about her. He’d spent the entire weekend and two days now doting over her and fretting over her.

He’d become even more distressed when she’d puked yesterday and once again this morning. It was just the stress she’d reassured him, but he still seemed so worried.

She was amazed that he hadn’t defied her insistence that he go to work this morning after she’d vomited.

She’d only managed to get him to leave the house with the reassurance that she would call him the second she started feeling nauseous again.

Of course he’d texted her several times during the day thus far until his final text had read that Dr. Mallard was making him stop now but please call him at his lunch break.

Olivia had decided to at least take Jimmy’s ban from texting her as a sign that she should at least try to clean up her apartment a little.

She’d managed to get someone to cover her at work, deciding that teaching kids to make ceramics probably wasn’t advisable when she felt a little nauseous. The concept of going near squishy clay made her stomach turn.

She was a little saddened to miss out on it, after all she loved her job teaching art classes at a local community center.

Most of the time she taught kids and the elderly given that was who seemed to take the most interest in the art classes she’d been hired to teach at this particular community center. It was still an enjoyable job though.

No, she didn’t exactly need to work given her trust fund gave her more than enough money to live off of and focus on her art fulltime, but she loved the routine of having a job. She liked having a routine.

She’d actually come to love her life here after spending a few years constantly travelling with her last job.

It felt good to stay in one place and have one job at the same location. It felt good to have the routine of waking up every morning and knowing exactly what her day would bring.

She had a distinct feeling that Jimmy helped aid into her satisfaction with this period of her life.

He’d definitely made her life seem all the brighter. Even with all the events of the past few days and her falling out with her brother, Olivia was more than sure that Jimmy made her world a brighter place. She loved him enough that she was sure he was worth any amount of stress.

She tried her best to pull her mind from her troubles, choosing instead to focus on cleaning knowing that her apartment had become a bit of a mess over these past few days. Jimmy and she really hadn’t felt up to actually leaving the apartment. They’d been more focused on trying to reassure one another and heal from the events of the weekend.

It was high time to give the place a good deep clean. Besides, cleaning always did help her cope with her anxieties.

She started with the bathroom knowing it was always her least favorite part of the process of housework.

It wasn’t until she was down on her knees sorting through the contents under the bathroom sink that she came across a particular box of items that made her heart drop.

She stared down at the box of tampons in her hand, a sudden realization hitting her. She was late. No, she wasn’t too terribly late, but still late enough to give her pause.

She knew everyone insisted that they ran like clockwork and everyone else insisted that wasn’t possible, but she was pretty sure ran as close to being like clockwork as possible. She had at least some concept of how her cycle ran most of the time.

It would explain a lot a little voice in the back of her brain exclaimed; the nausea, the exhaustion…the late period.

Jimmy and she used protection though…then again hadn’t they occasionally had their little slip ups?

She felt her heart begin to slam in her chest as she tried her best to remember every single sexual experience they’d had over the past few months.

Olivia groaned it hitting her that there was only one way to figure this all out.

She stood up dropping the box of tampons, her mind going on autopilot as she made her way out to the living room searching for her car keys.

Soon enough she would know the truth.

………………………………………………………

Olivia had never imagined that she’d find herself in a bathroom at a CVS with a comically large bottle of lemonade and a plastic bag filled with pregnancy tests.

It would be amusing if it was happening to anyone but her.

She debated calling Jimmy and explaining her current situation but she couldn’t imagine how to even begin to have that conversation over the phone “So how’s Dr. Mallard? How’s Autopsy today? Anything interesting happening because oh, boy on my end things sure have gotten interesting. I’ve peed on three pregnancy tests and I don’t even know where I found the pee in my bladder to manage it!”

She was pretty sure that wasn’t how you were supposed to have the “don’t freak out but we may be pregnant” talk with your boyfriend.

This couldn’t be happening, not now. This was so not the time for this.

Jimmy and she had barely even broached the subject of having kids. The few times they’d discussed it they had been in agreement that it was something they both wanted but it had always been framed as something that would happen in the future.

Hell, they’d not even shared news of their relationship with her brother, so any talk of kids was always framed as some far off idea of what they might want in the future or what they pictured in a future together.

She had zero doubts in her mind that Jimmy Palmer would be an incredible father. He was an incredible boyfriend after all. He was far too sweet to be anything less than amazing. He just had that personality; that gentle heart that had made her fall for him in the first place. The man was a sweetheart. He loved kids and he loved her. Men like Jimmy were made to be fathers.

Olivia would be lying if she tried to pretend that the idea of having his baby didn’t make her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

It just was absolutely the worst time possible for this to be happening.

Sure Olivia had met Jimmy’s family and it was clear that their relationship was serious. Things were just so complicated though.

Jimmy hadn’t met Dinozzo Sr…not that that was a bad thing but still…she might be pregnant and her father didn’t even know he existed.

Jimmy and Olivia didn’t even live together.

Where would they put a crib? Their apartments were only one bedroom. Would they have to get a new place?

Oh God, what would Tony do?

He was pissed off enough when it had come out that Jimmy was dating her, so what was he going to do if it came out that Jimmy had knocked her up while he was at it?

Olivia felt her blood run cold when the alarm she’d set on her cell phone chimed notifying her that it was time.

She took a deep breath trying to calm her nerves as she picked up the first test with a shaky hand

She stared at it, her brain suddenly struggling to make sense of the blue plus on the screen in front of her.

She picked up the other test sorting through the instructions trying to make sense of the result on this test her stomach turning as she realized just what it meant.

It meant the same thing that the other two tests were telling her.

She was so screwed.

[sweetrosetta-martin]

Beatle tag (cause why not ✌💗) 

I’m new to this fandom online, so what best way to present myself but doing this (plz don't kill me guys I come in peace).

 But I do have to give an special to @sgt-revolver cause thanks to their post I decided to do it. 

How long have you been a fan ?: About two years if I’m not wrong, but god it has been two intense ones. Long story short, this band never was part of my life (grew up in a different culture) until the day I was reading some fanfiction in AO3 and stumbled across one about them. I then found out they were the guys behind “Let it be” and “Here comes the sun” so I decided do dig even deeper..... (Now I’m here simping and crying to their music at 2am) 🙃

 Favorite Beatle: Used to be Paul (man got a charm) but when I better discovered George as a hole human being, and not only a Beatle, I went 💥. Tho, sometimes I do get frustrated with him and stay on John’s side cause he was lowkey relatable and a big bi-disaster mood. (I suddenly feel bad for Rings.... srry bro ) 

Favorite era for music: At the beginning I didn't like the mop top era and practically only listened from Help! to then end, but now I appreciate each period as a part of the band’s musical history and can’t help to fangirl to most songs. (Tho I’ll always have a soft spot for 1966)

Favorite era for lewks: Each Beatles had its own I think. Ringo as a teddy boy (he looks like the bad boy of your dreams), George in 65` (longer hair but not to long and just overlay hotness) and Paul/John in 66`. (The perfect balance between early and late looks)

Favorite song: Guess it depends on my mood, but it’s surely a tight between “Strawberry fields forever”, “Happiness is a warm gun”, “Lovely Rita” “While my guitar gently weeps”, “Don't bother me” and “Across the universe”. (This is such an unfair question xd)

Favorite album: Honestly I just can’t decide.. Its prob either “The Beatles (aka white album)”, “With the Beatles” or “Revolver” 

Unpopular/Controversial Beatles opinion: “Revolution 9″ is not an unlistenable song and has an actual artistic value. I mean, I don’t think is a song meant to be listened during a car ride, but I do think it encapsulates pretty well the chaotic and changing vibe of the late 60s. This song makes you feel unwell because it’s meant to. Despite that, I do believe it should not have been included on the album, but rather as a John/Yoko project. (Ik Geo had a input though)

A song everyone loves but you dislike: Never was the biggest fan of “Come together” or “With a little help from my friends”. They are not necessarily bad, but rather average for me

A song everyone dislikes but you love: “Run for your life”... I know the lyrics are quite nasty but its so catchy and I love George’s guitar in it. I also really like “Dizzy Miss Lizzy”, but I don’t know if it really is that unpopular among people

Your fantasy involving The Beatles: The PG one or the ??.. 

JK, but I would have love to meet them during their cavern/casbah days. Like about 1961, just to chat with them about rock n roll and even jam some songs. (Even if I’m not sure that I would love to do that as a girl or a guy). And I sincerely wish I could just have some deep conversations with George and John while we share a joint . I just wish I could have known them better... 

Tell us about the moment you knew you were a fan: When returning home after a long school day I decided to look after some live material (At the time I only knew like 4 songs). I put YouTube on my tv, and found “She loves you” . I was not the same girl after watching that video. If I could explain how I suddenly felt so much joy and excitement looking at them that I even started singing and dancing. The rest is history 😉

Did you ever have a genuine ‘The Beatles suck !’ phase before becoming a fan?: Because their music was not around me 24/7 growing up, I never got fed up with their music. For me almost everything was new and interesting, so I never had a hater phase 

Favorite Beatle’s book: Have not read any for the moment, but I’m dying to buy Cynthia’s and May’s books. (Also the autobiography “I me mine” by George) 

Thoughts on the old generation of fans: Even if the few experiences I’ve had with them have not been good, I know most of them are chill people. I also love some podcasts made by first or second gen fans. The only thing that I dislike, is the average boomer who will claim they know more than you cause they were alive at the time, even if the only song they know its “Hey Jude” . (Or those who treat John as a saint, and blame the hole break-up on Paul... smh)

If Hollywood were to make a high budget Beatles biopic, what is one thing you desperately hope they include?: I wish they wont do it (We already got enough movies), but if they do something, it would be better if it was a series and not a film. If it had to happen, they better not forget how young the guys really were and how they were actual people. I know they were ground-breaking in so many ways, but they were also human beings with many defaults and even a bit naïve in some aspects. If you only give me a wife-beater (nasty) John, delicate flower Paul, silent George and dumb Ringo, the cartoon series has done a better job than you. 

Do you read/write fanfic: One word.... Yes... *Hides her unfinished drafts*

Are you the only one in your family/friend group to enjoy them?: Sadly yes. I have to force my dad to play some Beatle music while driving cause most of the music he plays is raegetton, and even if I’m proud of my Latino roots.. I’ll do salsa or merengue anytime but not some Bad Bunny ok. 

Are you a shipper?:  Yup

Favorite movie starring/made by them?: Help!.. I mean I also love AHDN, but it’s just so funny to see them run around being high af as they play music despite Ringo being in mortal danger. (Also the visuals we get each song just give me such a MTV vibe. Its genuinely beautiful)

Do you believe in McLennon?: *smirks at the camera*

General opinions on McLennon?: Oh boy. The Lennon/McCartney relationship is one that seems out of my grandma telenovelas. From Paris to the breakup, their story is one of up and downs, but they never really stopped loving each other. Not even death could stop their link as Paul still dreams of him and thinks about John when composing songs. I understand that not everyone may be convinced that something really happened, but I think we all should be open to the possibility. 

If you got to change ONE thing about their history, what would be and why?: Brian’s death. The beginning of the end was the moment he passed away. With Brian the band would still have broke up (All things must pass, even the good ones), but it would have been less messed up. No Paul trying to take the lead a bit too much, Apple Corps probably being better handled and no Allen Klein messing up everything. (And probably no Yoko in the studio but that may be a bit of a stretch) 

What song has the best vocals?: As a group, “Because” it’s probably the one. Such a simple, yet perfectly well put vocals. The peak of their talent for harmonizing in my opinion. In another side “Oh Darling!” is prob Paul best and John’s voice in “This Boy” always get me

What song do you feel had no effort put into it?: Prob an unpopular opinion but “Eight Days a Week” is such a basic song. It’s not innovative, it just uses the formula, and I feel like around this time the guys were kind of tired and just fabricated the song to be a single. It simply not feels genuine, and for me it shows the biggest problem from the “Beatles for Sale” era. 

What is a well talked moment in Beatles history you genuinely believe to be false?: The way Yoko met John. The most known story is that they met each other at a Yoko art gallery, but many sources (such a Cynthia or Brian personal assistant) tell us a complete different truth. I do believe she knew the band, stalked John and force herself into his life, despite of the romantic tale she keeps repeating. 

What is something you KNOW to be true, but often gets erased in their history: John. So many things about John. Many see him as only a funny character and ignore so many cues that he was a man struggling with his own self esteem to the point of having eating disorders. Not forgetting his fluid sexuality, the fact that many think that as house husband all his problems went away or that he was a wife beater. John was more than the “Imagine” martyr or  monster so many people (even some fans) make out of him.

Least favorite look from a Beatle(s): Ringo in the Help! movie. Horrible mushroom hair 😂

Favorite look from a Beatle(s):  George Harrison in the “Hey Bulldog”/”Lady Madonna” videoclip. (I also want that cherry SG Standard so bad omg)

I really don’t know how many others have done it but here are my tags 

@rocknroll-imagines @moreofthatdrowse @cultofbeatle @joan-deserved-the-silver-hammer

Thanks a lot guys !! ❤✌🥦🐘🎵😎

[decimadragonoid]

The Undertale - RETRACE Rulebook

For those who have read my fan comic project Undertale - RETRACE so far here or on Deviantart, we have reached the end of Chapter 1. Over time, more chapters will be posted. First off, thank you guys so much for tuning in. For those who are just starting to read this comic, welcome aboard! For those who haven't played Undertale yet but are interested in this story, I suggest you play the game through to the end, but it's your own decision.

Before we continue further into the story, there are some rules I'd like you to follow over the course of this comic. I will post this rulebook on existing pages. The rules are as follows...

   * “Is this an Undertale AU?” - No. It's not. This story isn't an AU or alternate timeline, but if YOU want to identify this story as such, then by all means, go ahead. I won't stop you. It’s up to you to decide.

- This story is a new series of events a couple years or so after the original events of Undertale.  * "Why the title 'Undertale - RETRACE?' Why not something simple like 'RetraceTale?'" - As I interpret this story as a new series of events a couple years or so after the Post-Pacifist Ending, calling this story "RetraceTale" or "Underretrace" and sugarcoating it to make my fanmade story known to the fandom doesn't appeal to me, nor is it something I see as beneficial to my vision of the game and my fan project overall. - Long story short, my story is set in the original universe in some way, shape, or form.

   * “What’s up with these new character personalities?” - I just felt it’d be appropriate for the characters to go through certain changes in character development, personality, and intellect. The story is set a couple years after the original Undertale after all.

   * “Are there going to be any RESETS?” - No. Plain and simple.

- In this story, the RESETS no longer exist. Although the word may be reintroduced a couple times or so, no one can RESET anymore, not even Frisk. They decided to willingly discard it forever, and they understand that any future actions will be permanent. They burned this bridge a long time ago.

   * “No! You can’t do that! What if someone dies and it can’t be fixed??”

   * “Keep it, but don’t abuse it.”

- No. Time shouldn’t even be messed with. Not ever.

   * “What’s the purpose of RETRACE?” - The purpose of my Undertale story RETRACE is to create my own interpretation and dig deeper into Frisk’s past to see what life was like for them before they fell into the Underground, as well as unearth a new antagonist.

- Questions include the following…    * What was life like for Frisk before they fell into the Underground?

   *  Did they suffer amnesia?

   *  What were Frisk’s parents like?

   *  What if Frisk actually met a monster long before they fell into the Underground?

   *  Was something or someone responsible for their misfortune before they fell into the Underground and returned to the surface with the monsters, and if so, is that person still around?

   *  If this person was responsible for Frisk’s past events, whatever they may be, is that person still around, intending to bring ruin?

   *  There’s so much ground to cover. This is gonna be one hell of a ride!  * "I really like your art style!" / "Your style for Frisk is awesome!" / "Nice upgraded outfits!" - First off, thank you so much for your compliments on my styles and interpretations for the characters! - I will treat this project as a learning process and improve over time. - As such, I might make slight changes to one or two of my designs, and nothing would make me happier than for you guys to be the witnesses of my improvements and potential design changes!

   * “Frisk/Chara killed everyone! They were responsible for everything!” - Don’t even go there with me. You WILL be ignored.

- You have your way of interpreting the game and Undertale comics, and I have mine. - I've personally seen other comic artists get bashed for their Undertale headcanons, views on the characters, and alignments. This will NOT be tolerated here.

- I can very well choose to depict Frisk/Chara as either a hero or villain if I wanted to. I could even depict the monsters as such. But this comic is not about taking sides. I'm simply making this story out of love for the game, and to tell a story overall.

- Toby Fox left the events and characters of Undertale to our own unique interpretations. There is no right or wrong way to depict the Undertale characters. That’s why comics like this exist. I only write and draw this story out of love for Undertale.

- If you don’t like this comic or my depictions, don’t say anything. Leave. Now.

   * “Can I translate this comic in a different language?” - By all means! If English is not your native language, or if you want to translate my comic in a different language so other people with different ethnicities and cultures can read and enjoy this story, you’re more than welcome to translate it in any language you want.

- All I ask is that you credit me afterwards. Also, be sure to translate this rulebook as well to avoid confusion.

   * “Can I/we dub your comic?” - Absolutely! I encourage comic dubs for RETRACE! All I ask is that you credit me afterwards.

- Show me some talent! ^^

   * “Are there any ships?” - No.

- Here’s the deal… I see the monsters as a huge family Frisk never thought they could ever have.

- And you don’t need ships to do it.

- However, if you say things like, “Oooh! I ship this!” or “This ship bothers me,” that’s okay. I won’t judge you for it. I'm not going to condemn you for shipping anyone. You have your own opinion. But just know that there are no ships to be had in this comic, and I don’t want any problems to escalate.

    * “Which monster do you see as the dad, uncle, mother, etc.?” - You’ll see.

    * “When’s the next page?” / “Bro, you’re taking too long!” / “I wanna know what happens next!” - When I say, “WHEN I CAN,” I mean, “WHEN I CAN!”

- Please don’t ask me this. I don’t appreciate being rushed or pressured, and neither do any other artists out there. It’s disrespectful to me and other viewers.

- If there is any huge delay whatsoever, I’ll explain myself.

- I have other responsibilities besides drawing comics. Of course, this doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy drawing Undertale. In fact, I love it!

- I don’t mind comments like, “I can’t wait for the next page,” “My feels,” “Aaugh!! Cliffhanger,” etc. But please don’t ask me when I’m posting the next page. I’m not a robot. I cannot stress that enough.

    * “Can I use this comic as reference material?” - Absolutely! Just be sure to credit me later!

    * “Can I draw fanart of your comic?” - Absolutely! I 100% encourage you to draw any Undertale or RETRACE fanart! Just be sure to credit me afterwards!

    * “Can I suggest any changes for the story?” - No.

- I have scripted this comic already, so it’s already set in stone. However, I will allow constructive criticism for any visual errors and story errors I might make.

    * “To be continued…?” - When one of my pages says, “To be continued…,” it means you’ve reached the end of a chapter.

- After the end of each chapter, I’ll prepare an askbox so that you can ask questions to any characters that show up in RETRACE or anyone outside the story, whether they be your favorites or any original characters specific to this story.

- This way, I can interact with you all in the most positive and/or appropriate way possible. - In addition, I will also give you the option to dub my askbox and the responses so far, which will be listed in the askbox's description for your convenience.

    *  “What questions can I ask?” - You can ask pretty much anything, so as long as it’s not anything NSFW-related.

- The question can be something totally random, comedic, sad, family-bonding, or related to the story.

- But for the sake of this rulebook, I’ll give you some examples…

    * “Hey, <UT!Character>! How’s life on the surface?”

    * “How’s it hanging, <UT!Character>?”

    * “What kind of hobbies did you find ever since coming to the surface?”     * "What do you like to do with <UT!Character>?"

    * “Any jobs?”

    * “Can I give you a present, <UT!Character>?”

    * “What kind of stuff do you guys do around the house?”

    * “How’s school?”

    * “What are your favorite subjects?”

    * “How did you feel after this happened?”

    * “Will everything be okay?”

- I will randomly handpick any question you ask any Undertale character, original character, or myself. If one of your questions haven’t been answered, don’t repeat the same question over and over again. Ask a different one, and maybe you’ll be lucky.

- If I make up some funny or weird scenario when answering questions, you can add on to the scenario if you want. It’s more fun that way, and it gives me the chance to interact with you all and keep the ball rolling! I wanna hear from you guys, so feel free to ask away!

    * “How many chapters do you plan to make?” - Let’s just say it’s almost as long as Lesser Dog’s extensive neck. When it comes to fantasy, I tend to write a lot. I try to draw and improve my skills as much as I can, but I do exceptionally well with writing it out.

- As such, I’ll also provide Undertale – RETRACE chapters in a novel format after the end of each chapter, if you want it. I'd like to make this project open to everyone who likes Undertale, whether they like comics, novels, or have any preferences, impairments, or even physical or mental disabilities.

- I want everyone to enjoy this story as much as I enjoy making it for Undertale fans, fan artists, and artists in general to see.

Also, I highly recommend you to play the game before viewing this comic. Whether you do or don’t is up to you. Otherwise, welcome aboard! I hope you enjoy this fresh, new Undertale experience! We’re gonna have a ‘skele-ton’ of fun, people! ~ DecimaDragonoid

[etastra]

wanted dynamics !

under the cut are some dynamics i’d like for each of the 13 ! some are romantic, some antagonistic, some platonic, some a combo, some can turn platonic/romantic, etc.

jiwon

someone that is his go to for destressing - and no, not through sex, but through massages & a regular self-care day/night. jiwon often ignores his cosmicness til it feels like his skin is fit to burst, and he always remembers his humanity through something grounding like that.

first love !! jiwon’s first love was in middle school, a year or so after he reached awareness, and they were the first person who he told All about the stars and about his super cool memories/powers. it’s childish and sweet and innocent, and it could be the same, could be completely new, could be nothing more than fond childhood memories

follower ? brother ? neither ? give jiwon someone who actually knows what he is. not who but what, as in someone who still worships the 13 like the old gods they are, or who grew up hearing stories about the 13. give jiwon someone who Knows, and someone he can be himself around, someone he can ask for help in finding his kin

youngsoo

artist rivals !! youngsoo is the epitome of snobby art student, who can quite proudly boast his work pieces have been displayed in local exhibitions and scrutinized/praised by critics. give him someone to challenge him artistically, someone he appreciates because of the challenge, someone he can’t help but respect as a result

if not artist rivals, give youngsoo a critic ! someone so harsh and unforgiving that youngsoo is determined to prove them wrong, to show that his artwork is more than the elementary vivid array of colors it’s always called, that he is more than the harsh words thrown at him.

junseo

good/bad influence ! junseo is an alcoholic, which means this could go either way - someone helps junseo open up about the source of his issue and is another beneficiary & positive influence, or they’re his go to for partying, for drinking, for binging til he blacks out

trainees/idols that knew his sister - his sister that died in a car crash which gave him his stutter, that was close to debut, whose death is the reason he drinks so much and he basically ran away from a home full of incomplete memories. maybe they asked his parents for his info to catch up, to find closure of their own in junseo. this could be anything !

aoyun

hobby buddies !! aoyun, as much as he is in utter love with the stars, is also fascinated by the humanity in hobbies. the utter care & focus people give to one hobby, to developing a craft. and so when he’s not stargazing, when he’s not working, when he’s filled to the brim with a wonder and fascination befitting of the stars, he’s picking up every hobby out there. and fortunately, or unforunately for your muse, they’re dragged along

hojin

fwb & unrequited love (?). hojin has never been able to distinguish between platonic and romantic love, sharing affection so freely that people have given him looks with how shameless & giving he is of it. so give him one of his friends he’s fallen into bed with one night, who have a thing together, who don’t put labels because, as hojin always says, ‘who needs labels for fun’

fan and content creator interactions ! hojin regularly puts out animated shorts & clips, of what-ifs from movies & shows & books & games. and maybe your muse has been following him for some time, and finally reaches out. and hojin knows his animations are enjoyed but to this extent ? he’s so starstruck himself that he’s going to eagerly keep reaching out !

kyungmin

apartment neighbor plots ! literally anything but romantic/sexual plots ! give me kyungmin constantly saying hello by leaving a plate of freshly baked cookies, or a container of still warm soup on your muse’s doorstep without ever saying hello. give me kyungmin slipping notes under their door because he speaks slow & soft & quiet and would rather write than speak. give me eventually meeting & becoming friends ! literally anything and everything

hosung

pen pals !!! hosung has always had trouble making friends, ever since he was sent to public school and was shunned for his parents’ deep pockets. so he took to the internet, took to coding, to hacking, to pass the school years by. and along the way, he’s made a friend, one who is probably across the world, one who knows he suffers from chronic night terrors and is a walking corpse half the time. but oh, would ya look at that, they live in the same country, the same city!

'i’m no one, i didn’t do this !’ uh-oh, hosung takes a job that he doesn’t think twice about, that is just a paycheck to feed his cat and keep the lights on at home. but the person who asks him to hack & deliver classified files ( whether it’s your muse or an NPC ) turns on him and suddenly hosung is on the run. or he’s trying to prove his innocence. this poor, sleep-deprived boy just wants to get through his life simply, and yet he’s thrown headfirst into the dark underbelly of the world

daeho

childhood friends !!! whether his best friend from elementary school or one of his close friends from before, who can recognize how wildly different he is now, who only remembers him as a happy go lucky kid. so who the hell is this uncaring, mask-wearing guy ? what happened to daeho ?

partner in crime ! daeho doesn’t partner up often, if at all, but he’s a greedy thing and can never say no to a guarantee score. maybe your muse is just the perfect partner, one of the only ones daeho will seek out again for another crime, something bigger & bolder & grander ( bonus points this turns bonnie & clyde esque uwu )

minjun

occasional collabers ! minjun is a busker, most time, and can only earn so much money with just his soft crooning vocals and his adequate guitar playing. so give him another busker, one who dances while he sings, one who plays other instruments. hell, give him a crew of buskers that he joins or forms until they become their own thing

odd time job friends ! busking only provides so much, so minjun takes up odd jobs everywhere they’re available. maybe they met while doing the graveyard shift at some tiny mart that doesn’t even need one night guard, let alone 2. or maybe they met when the pizza place sent out 2 delivery people. or maybe they always take the same shifts

someone in the idol life ! a scouter, a CEO, a trainee, an idol, a manager, anyone ! give me someone who saw minjun sing, who knew he’d be good for stardom, who is having the damnedest time trying to scout minjun because minjun doesn’t want to be famous like that. he doesn’t want to be an idol, he refuses

chunyu

looking for: model ! chunyu’s muse, chunyu’s inspiration, chunyu’s subject. give him a close friend who models for him, who he helps reach fame and grander connections all thanks to his camerawork, his mind

looking for: hiking/exploration partner ! chunyu’s muse comes from beyond people, from beyond humanity, stemming from nature and its beauty and its intricate idiosyncrasies. he gets so lost in exploring that he winds up bruised easily, so please save this photographing loser from bruising himself further

looking for: best friend :( his go to, the one he always turns to when parents are asking if he’d change his mind and decided to join their organization, the one he always takes to charity galas when his boyfriend isn’t free, the one who knows how much he wants to be a good son and not the sure disappointment he must be to parents who wanted him to be a philanthropist like they

kwangsu

carefree to kwangsu’s stressed - kwangsu rarely lets his hair down, so to speak, too stressed about law school, about becoming a lawyer as soon as he can, about his studies. so give him a close friend who can coax him to relax, who takes him out to carnivals and amusement parks just to see him laugh genuinely. and maybe his stress & studious habits rub off a bit

choi kwangsu, that name is awfully familiar.... give me someone who recognizes his name from old newspapers, from that one case of a corrupt lawyer whose shady dealings lead to his only son being kidnapped. maybe your muse is the kid of one of those shady people, maybe your muse is the kid of the officer who rescued kwangsu, maybe your muse is just a fan of old crime cases

hyunjun

streaming buddies ! hyunjun’s a growing twitch streamer and always features friends in his streams. maybe your muse is a friend he coaxed into joining one, or maybe your muse is another streamer that fans asked for a collab, or maybe your muse and hyunjun has started up a playful rivalry

frat bros ! frat bros for life, frat bros ride or die together. honestly, hyunjun is super close with his big and grand big in the frat house, and he’d be utterly lost in college if not for them taking him under his wing. give him his big, his grand big, give him one of his other frat bros

opposites attract, sorta ? hyunjun is the chillest frat bro you will ever meet, and a major social butterfly to boot ! he has friends in what feels like every major, every grade, hell even in the other frats and sororities. so give me a muse who is the opposite of frat bro, someone that hyunjun goes to for help with anything not video game development related, or who always study together, or who became friends b/c hyunjun was drunk that one time and tried making pizza rolls and set off the fire alarm

insu

a regular - insu never takes regular customers, enjoying the change of pace, enjoying the presence of different hands on his body, enjoying the comfort and security and sick fun in dropping someone whose time and money isn’t worth it anymore. but maybe your muse has thick pockets that insu is only too eager to dip his fingers into. or maybe your muse has his most recent of addictions in easy access, both easy encouragements to sticking around.

[t-pose-to-assert-gayness]

I had an epiphany today

I know that I’m not a professional artist by any means - I’ve only been using my drawing tablet for a little over 2 years and I’ve only been getting serious for the past 18 months or so - even more so recently, but I want to share some valuable advice that I haven’t heard anyone say until now. It’s something I’ve needed to hear so some of you beginners will probably need to hear this now or in the future.

Recently, I’ve been feeling shit about my art. I’ve been wanting it to be better and I keep falling into old habits and I know that i see something I’ve drawn and that it’s just not good or correct at all. I know it sounds corny but I want to put my heart and soul into what I work on and so I want it to be perfect. Right now, the problem is that i don’t know how to fix certain things so I have to ask for help (which is totally something you SHOULD be doing) but the fact that I can’t do it on my own annoys me. There’s an old post from here that i saw a few years ago, which showed a graph (I cant for the life of me link it because i’ve tried multiple times in the past to find it again) a little like this.

I really believe in this chart. It shows that your perception of what’s good and your physical drawing skill almost step up in complete opposite bursts from each other. This is why you will start to see your drawings “get worse” when in reality, your skill just isn’t increasing at that current time - however, your perception is.

You need to understand that you cannot become an Art God (tm) right away. You also can’t have your skills incubate without doing anything and think “oh i’ll be good in a couple years so i wont try” no bitch thats not how the game works.

Constant practice is what drives constant improvement. You may not be absolutely great now, but you are still allowed to enjoy it! You’ll get there eventually, why not have a little fun along the way?

I might not like my art teacher all that much but today she actually said something that I took to heart. Today she explained what we have to complete for our course and she talked about how you may not like some of the things that you do, but keep those in a folder. The examiners will look at them, but only save your best work for your exhibition. Your folder shows your journey. It’s a necessary journey, but there is still work that you’ll produce that will be your best. That’s the work you can show off and be proud of, but still appreciate the not-so-good work because you’ve learned something from it. You tried something, you learned how to do and not to do something. You can use that art to improve your further endeavours. It’s all about the journey. Art is a journey.

Let me put this into an online art world perspective for you:

Say you have a portfolio on the internet that you only upload your best art to so you can show it off to your friends and other artists because you’re proud of it. And say that you also save all your art into one folder on your computer. Not all of it is good in there. some shit with wonky proportions. the head was too big, that lineart was crap, their hands look like they were mangled by a fucking combine harvester and then reattached, etc.

Your portfolio is your best work. You’re proud of it. Cool.

Your art folder is full of unfinished sketches that you went back to and thought “ew thats awful” and so you vowed never to do that again. See? you learned something. You learned not to make the head that big. You learned that the way you drew that hand was not in sync with the rest of the drawing.

YOU LEARNED SOMETHING AND THAT’S JUST AS IMPORTANT AS CREATING SOMETHING YOU’RE PROUD OF. WHY? BECAUSE YOU CAN TAKE THE NOTES THAT YOU MAKE FROM YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS IN YOUR WORK AND YOU CAN IMPROVE NEXT TIME. TURN YOUR TRASH INTO TREASURE.

To finish: some quickfire tips that I’ve learned.

Find communities where you can share your art and get feedback. Discord servers, Deviantart groups, etc

Make art friends! Holy shit bro if you dont do that then who are you going to

ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT YOU AREN’T BEING RUDE FOR FUCK’S SAKE NOT EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS EVIL THEY’LL BE HAPPY TO HELP IF YOU’RE NICE AND POLITE!!

Send artists you like asks and questions in DMs (if they have them open to non-mutuals)! If you are ignored, just fire them an ask on anon or another quick message cause they might either be a) busy or b) they didn’t see the notification for the messages

Participate in collabs and fandom projects or even make your own! like holy queen elizabeth II on a wheel after starting The Beach City Witch Project (a Steven Universe fan episode animatic) in 2017, I got the chance to meet and work with artists whom i’d been looking up to for LITERALLY YEARS. They are really super nice and chill people and I actively ask for a quick redlining of a pose or a question about commission etiquette or something and it really helps me. I now have a discord full of over 100 people who create music, art, literature, etc. Not everyone in the server is active all the time, but we have a core active user-base of about 30 people. We have a chat for art references, a chat for sharing links to cool art we’ve found (the #1 rule is that you credit or link directly to the artist/art) and we have a chat for posting and critiquing art that you’ve made. It’s a really good system and one that I recommend to anyone with an art-focussed server.

I hope that there is at least something in this block of text that someone has needed to hear. Please reblog this so I can spread my kinda shitty wisdom because i know how y’all feel. I felt that way once. I feel that way now and I will again in the future. You aren’t alone.

[blkmxrvel]

Dating Cheryl Blossom Would Include

Warnings: Implied Smut, mention of soqm

a/n: cheryl marjorie blossom[-topaz ;)] has my entire heart and she deserves to be protected at all costs. also, this is my first ever headcanon so i’m sorry if this is completely trash. I tried to make it as descriptive as possible :) I'm sorry it's so longgggg

although you both grew up in Riverdale, you two have never met

you were southside, cheryl was northside

so when southside high got closed down, you were not happy when you had most of your classes with cheryl

cheryl always making snarky remarks about the southside when you walked by

"so i guess showering is another thing you disgusting southsiders don't have the decency for"

you nearly ripped her hair off her head

you ignored cheryl most times

you two getting assigned as project partners in science

not this trope again

"Mr. Henderson, with all due respect, I feel like I should have a partner that can actually help me with this project and not run off to fight gangs"

"Y/N is one of my best students Cheryl, GPA is higher than yours, don't underestimate them. My word is final"

Cheryl picking up her jaw and dignity off the floor

Cheryl being surprised when she realizes you're actually smart.

getting an A on the project

"Is Cheryl always that pessimistic? Like damn I knew she was bad but I didn't know she was THAT bad."

cheryl totally didn't hear that

cheryl apologizing in your next class

shocker i know, you couldn't believe it

you taking her words at face value and saying to forget about it

but you were hurt and cheryl saw that

cheryl suggesting that you two go to pops and talk more, go get to know each other

is it opposite day because what the fu-

You two actually getting along from that night one

You still didn't trust cheryl 100% but you slowly gained feelings for her

hearing a lot of shit from your friends when cheryl asked you out and you said yes

"Y/N, what the hell? You're seriously going to date her after all the shit she's put us and YOU through?"

"I thought it was bros before hoes dude."

Cheryl feeling bad she ruined your friendship

you reassuring her that they'll come around

they aren't that hard hearted

They cared about you and wanted to see you happy

cheryl planning the best fucking dates ever

picnics on Sweetwater river

buying out pops for the night so it was just you two

Taking you to concerts in the city of your favorite artists

Really just the best money and affection could buy

you didn't have as much money as cheryl did but your dates weren't too shabby

you just used your head a bit more

Cheryl loves art right

why not get a big ass board and paint something on it with her

paint was everywhere

faces

hands

butts

but that was perfectly fine for Cheryl

Cheryl realizing she was in love with you that very moment

you being surprised when cheryl said she wanted to go on the southside

"you've seen where im from. I wanna see where you're from. What made you into the beautiful person you are today."

you crying at that

showing her all your favorite hangout spots and places to eat

taking her to the white wyrm on a quiet day

the rest of the serpents warming up to her and seeing she's not as bad as they thought

"I'll admit it, I'll admit it, you aren't that had red. I kinda like you."

Cheryl fully opening to you and telling you everything that's ever happened to her.

You doing the same.

Both of you crying in each other's arms while still still supporting one another.

PDA 24/7

Cheryl wasn't possessive

she was just deprived of affection for so long she's gonna soak up as much of it as she can

holding your hand in the hallway

pulling you on her lap and holding you tight

laying right on top of you like a koala

kisses on the hallway, at lunch, in classes, at practice

there was literally never an hour where you and Cheryl didn't touch

it took getting used to, but you didn't mind it

you defending anyone who talked shit about cheryl

you were tiny, but you could pack a punch, and some words

especially to the sad breakfast club

"seriously what the fuck is your deal? hasn't your mother ever told you to shut up if your words weren't nice? So what if Cheryl's been a Bitch to you? Don't act like anyone of you hasn't been a Bitch to someone else too? Betty? Threatening Cheryl with that tape just so some diner could stay open? I don't want to hear it?" Don't act all high and mighty and call someone shitty when you aren't any better. At least Cheryl has the decency to apologize and try make amends. Learn from her."

scary

you nearly pooped a blood vessel

your face was red and your heart was pounding

cheryl running to you and kissing you with everything that she had

"I love you. My house now."

Who knew Cheryl could be so.... Appreciative and thorough

Cheryl showing you off to everyone and not caring what anyone had to say

Including her mother

cheryl jumped out the car and ran the opposite way when she Penelope was taking cheryl to soqm

you and the serpents going to pick her up before reeking havoc on her mother

calling soqm to get it shut down

getting Cheryl emancipated and sending penelope to jail

helping take care of nana rose

being in love

always having each other's back no matter what. (the serpents too)

[bpoole500]

Tusk Revisited

This fall marks the 40th anniversary of the release of Tusk, Fleetwood Mac’s defiantly offbeat opus that was underappreciated in its time, even as it presaged trends in music.

After the unprecedented success of 1977’s Rumours, the Mick Fleetwood/John McVie/Christine McVie/Stevie Nicks/Lindsey Buckingham incarnation of Fleetwood Mac pretty much had carte blanche to do whatever the band wanted. A situation like that gives an artist several avenues for their potential next act.

Many acts have followed up a landmark album with “Part 2.” Think of Adele’s 25 or Michael Jackson’s Bad. The artist delivers a follow-up that’s very much in the vein of their big last album. Reviewers will tend to be less enthused, but it will sell well and produce more hit singles, usually pleasing most fans and the record label. It’s a good career move, even if the follow-up can’t help but be overshadowed by its celebrated predecessor.

Other artists respond to a significant breakthrough album by, essentially, not following it up. Perhaps a live set might emerge or some earlier recordings are repackaged for the new mass audience that came aboard for the big hit. There could be live shows. But in essence, the artist just chooses, for any of a variety of reasons, to sit it out. Look no further than the trajectory of Lauryn Hill after The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Fans usually never understand it, even if it makes sense to the artist.

And then there’s the path that Fleetwood Mac took with their follow-up to Rumours. As has been pointed out many times, there is no topping an album like Rumours, a collection that earned strong critical accolades, major sales and cross-genre airplay dominance. It’s one of those albums that, even decades later, remains a strong seller, as new generations discover it (and often access it in new ways, thanks to media evolution). Warner Bros. would certainly have been thrilled if the band had delivered Rumours II. That would have played well with fans, as well.

But that ignores the fact that Rumours was a “lightning in a bottle” moment, the kind of personal/professional alchemy that a band can’t plan. And in the case of this group, likely would not have wanted to re-live even if they could have.

Instead, the band followed the third path that acts sometimes embrace after a major success: go in an unexpected direction. No description drives record company execs to the antacid bottle more than “experimental.” Especially when its affixed to the new album of a key act. But that’s what Fleetwood Mac did with Tusk.

Buckingham is widely acknowledged as one of the guitar virtuosos of the rock world. He’s also recognized for his love of studiocraft and production experimentation. So with a blank check, the band essentially handed the wheel to their resident mad genius and let him steer them into waters that took a different path from the era-defining sound of their recent hit. The result was Tusk, a double album misunderstood at its time, that only years later would be embraced as a lunatic masterpiece.

While Buckingham was thoroughly grounded in the classic rock idiom, he listened to, and was inspired by, everything that was going on in the industry at the time. The restless energy of post-punk and the trashy electro-sheen of new wave. The fearless disregard of tradition of art rock and the sonic collage experiments of industrial music. He was inspired to go beyond what a band could produce using instruments and voices, using production not just as a facilitator, but as a sonic medium in its own right. He wrote numerous songs that sounded little like what he’d produced before and then wrapped his feverish sonic ideas around Christine and Stevie’s more traditional compositions, pushing them to unexpected places. At its core, Tusk was a major, mainstream classic rock band charting the future of alternative music.

As has been pointed out many times, Tusk often feels like the mash-up of two different albums: Buckingham’s paranoid opus, full of sharp edges and nervous tics, contrasted with the more conventional songs produced by his partners. It’s not an unfair paradigm, but even though Tusk has Buckingham’s imprimatur firmly stamped on it, it’s still definitively the work of a band. Drummer Mick Fleetwood and bassist John McVie follow their guitarist’s lead and achieve the kinds of beats and rhythms necessary to execute Buckingham’s ideas, while the layers of harmonies he envisioned wouldn’t have hit with the impact they did without the unique interplay of his voice with Christine’s and Stevie’s.

Still, Buckingham did go in some startling directions. Bits of everything from rockabilly and the Beach Boys to punk and World Beat are evident in the mix, the album often presaging trends that would dominate the music scene in the decade that followed. The title track is a prime example of Buckingham’s ideas coming together in a striking manner. It boasts the sinister paranoia of many of Buckingham’s contributions, using almost tribal rhythms that referenced African sonic traditions half a decade before Paul Simon’s landmark Graceland. Married with layered harmonies, distorted guitars and an actual marching band, it was like nothing else on the charts in 1979.

“What Makes You Think You’re the One” was another moment where Buckingham managed to translate his impulses into something with commercial appeal, working nervous energy, edgy rhythms and echoes of doo wop harmonies and instrumental flourishes into an engaging stew. Throughout, Buckingham’s songs were filled with off-kilter melodies, production tricks and distortions, layers of harmonies that pushed song structures that could have been familiar into some places listeners hadn’t been before. He borrowed the economy of punk, with most of his compositions clocking in within the range of two to three minutes, often ending abruptly or on an unexpected moment of dissonance. He surrounded the songs with spacey, detached qualities, adding propulsion even to quieter moments. With titles like “The Ledge,” “Walk A Thin Line,” “I Know I’m Not Wrong,” “That’s Enough for Me” and “Not That Funny,” with unsettled lyrics and performances that communicated a certain alienation, Buckingham’s songs more dared listeners to engage with them than invited them in. It’s not what you might expect from a superstar release, but it was brave and creative.

While some critics were inclined to dismiss the more conventional tunes that Christine and Stevie composed, one of the more fascinating aspects of Tusk was seeing how Buckingham co-opted those songs to fit his vision for the album. You got Christine’s sunny SoCal pop and Stevie’s mystical rock and folk run through Buckingham’s offbeat paranoia, for some often interesting results.

Take Christine’s “Think About Me,” a charming Top 30 hit that’s often overlooked today. Buckingham’s production is drenched in the surf pop of the Beach Boys, but spikes it with fuzzy edges, jittery harmonies and wailed vocal counterpoints. Deceptively simple songs like “Over & Over,” “Brown Eyes” and “Honey Hi” took on more complex structures as Buckingham injected the emerging New Wave ethos into them, giving them layers and textures that pushed them out of Christine’s usual comfort zone, adding tension and friction that provided contrast to her cool, clean vocals. Even a gentle ballad like “Never Make Me Cry” got a jolt from the subtle pulse of a strummed electric guitar that Buckingham ran throughout.

Unsurprisingly, Stevie’s songs provided a robust canvas for Buckingham’s production work. Tusk is best remembered for hit single “Sara,” one of Stevie’s more engaging poetic explorations. Even in the edited version (which chops off nearly two minutes, including the entire second verse), it’s a beguiling mix, with Buckingham using a complex layering of harmonies that builds slowly to surround Stevie’s lead, giving an exotic charm to the mix, while he adds fuzzy touches to the edges to give the song an insistent energy. He transformed “Angel” into a harbinger of the country-pop that would come to dominate Nashville a decade later and gave a jittering, unsettling edge to the gentle “Storms” that set out a roadmap for the contemporary folk sound that was right around the corner. Most daringly, Buckingham used Stevie’s mystic rock opus “Sisters of the Moon” to pioneer the template for the dance rock that would become a staple of alternative radio.

Fans and critics didn’t know what to make of Tusk. The title track became a hit because anything that Fleetwood Mac released after Rumours would have made the Top 10. “Sara” and “Think About Me” succeeded with radio as the best examples of the band’s traditional sound melding seamlessly with Buckingham’s futurist production. But many critics at the time didn’t get the album and fans who had bought Rumours in droves didn’t embrace Tusk. It was seen as a failure and would set the stage for a retrenchment (the far more conventional Mirage (1982) and Tango in the Night (1987) would bring this chapter of the band to a close on a more commercial, mainstream note).

But Tusk has had a healthy afterlife. While it hasn’t enjoyed the long-term sales power of Rumours or the group’s eponymous 1975 album, it has remained available consistently and won over new converts over the years. Critical re-evaluations of the album, especially in the context of the ‘80s alternative revolution that followed, came to appreciate how ahead of its time Tusk was and what a crucial touchstone it became for the development of modern rock music. It grew into an “artists’ album,” one of those works cited by other musicians as one of their influences. Both “Tusk” and “Sara” have remained in regular rotation on classic rock and soft rock radio formats, while “Sisters of the Moon” developed into a cult favorite among Stevie’s loyal fans. The band included several cuts from Tusk on their various “best of” collections and incorporated them into their latter day tours to strong effect.

Tusk makes almost perfect sense when viewed from a remove of forty years. Fleetwood Mac took advantage of the opportunity that success afforded them to go out on a creative limb. And in the process, thanks to Buckingham’s feverish creativity and work ethic, helped advance the evolution of rock and alternative music.

[gamexplained-blog]

My New Blog and Choosing my Game!

Hey everybody! This is a new blog that I started for my class called “Video Games and the Gendered Role.” For this class, I have to play a game that deals with certain gender relations in specific ways that I find particularly interesting. 

For this project, I decided to pick Borderlands 2 as my game of choice. I’ve been a long time fan of the series and hardcore player as well. I’ve always loved the art style of this game, the witty humor and storytelling, and of course the satisfaction of shooting countless baddies and incredible loot. However, I never got around to playing all of the characters. Overall, I have done three playthroughs of the game thus far as Axton, Maya, and Zero. For this project, I will be playing as Gaige as I know there has been some controversy about her character in the past about certain design decisions in relation to gender. I’m curious to see how this transforms, if at all, in the gameplay. And yes, I will be playing through all the DLC.

In this week’s reading, “No Time to Dream: Killing Time, Casual Games, and Gender” by Braxton Soderman, I wanted to address a concept brought up in the article: the difference between hardcore gaming and casual gaming. I feel as though there are a lot of unfair assertions in this article in how Soderman defines hardcore and casual gamers. He categorizes hardcore gaming as masculine and casual gaming as feminine. While in this day and age there is still a technical majority of males who would be within the “hardcore gaming” scene than women, that isn’t enough reason to define hardcore gaming as something inherently male. The same logic applies to femininity in casual gaming. 

As a hardcore male gamer myself, hardcore gaming simply means that I am someone who is very passionate about a variety of games and am willing to put incredible amounts of time and investment into a particular game in order to win all the achievements, beat all the modes, find all the secrets, learn about lore if applicable, and even replay the game if it has that factor. Hardcore gaming to me is just tones of dedication to complete as much as possible within a game to squeeze as much satisfaction as possible. “Hardcore games” are the games that provide all those opportunities simple or complex to give the player just so much more to do.

Casual gaming to me, which I have no quarrel with, is simply just playing a game to the lowest necessary requirements in order to consider the game beaten. You don’t have to find all the extras or secrets within the game. Just spend like a week or less on it and be done with it. And there are plenty of games, known as casual games, that cater to short term experiences, which is fine. Here’s the biggest problem I see with the article:

“ The hard-core gamer frets that games will be dumbed down and increasingly simplified, a process that supposedly will not ignore titles traditionally viewed as hard-core, as these too will absorb principles of casual gaming in order to increase their audience and distribution .”

This argument is just terrible off the bat. In Soderman’s logic, in short, is that male gamers are afraid of women dumbing down the games they love. Not only is this an infantilizing view of women, but a terrible idea of how men think of women. Gamers, in general, know their own particular niche of games. Hardcore gamers may find more alignment with games like Dark Souls or Skyrim because they like the commitment involved in them and the complexity of their systems. However, they aren’t complaining that Super Mario Bros or Legend of Zelda doesn’t have 15 different stats to understand or 20 combat alternatives. In fact, many of them appreciate those games for their simplicity as a break from the overly complex games. They’re refreshing! The only worry from hardcore gamers is when casual gamers, regardless of gender, want to take an existing property and severely reduce the skill needed to play the game in order to serve the lowest common denominator ruins the experience and original intent of the creator's vision for the gameplay. It ruins the fun in the nuance of the gameplay just in the attempt to satisfy more people. 

Dark Souls isn’t popular because Miyazaki thought about to make Champion Gundyr easy enough so all the people that play his game could beat it. No! He focused on making the boss an interesting, challenging, and complex encounter first without regard to everyone beating it. Putting the richness of the game above serving the largest audience possible is more important in my opinion because that is how creativity flourishes and gives artists free rein to make beautiful games.

So in essence, this is why I chose Borderlands 2. It has that beautiful in-between mix of where it can be played both casually and hardcore but ultimately serves an audience that falls in love with the unique world it builds.

[youarenotthewalrus]

this article is dumb, i shouldn’t be hate-reading and you shouldn’t either but here we are so let’s do this:

We begin with a description of a platformer doing something clever and metatextual at the end. Followed by;

What this means is that the game stands in stark contrast to an industry whose products, historically speaking, rely on hijacking the reptile brains of hormone-crazed teenaged boys. In short, the history of videogames is the history of the glorification of violence.

Ah yes, who can forget such bloodthirsty products of the military-industrial complex as Pong, Tetris, Pacman or Zork?

We can debate what constitutes the first videogame, and whether it’s fair to attribute the invention of videogames to the military,

Given the contentiousness of that assertion, I should certainly hope so!

but what’s undeniable is that military engineers—ever ready to coopt, conspire with, or commission innovation from the private sector (e.g., the splitting of the atom, the invention of I.Q.)—more or less immediately recognized that videogames could be employed as a cheap substitute for teaching soldiers how to do everything from fly a plane to take out a sniper.

Kinda reductive to reduce the history of video games to FPSes in general and America’s Army in particular, doncha think?

Anyway, then we get some more waffle about how first-person shooters video games are training us to kill, before we get to the real question: given that this platformer he just finished playing did something a little artsy, can video games be art even despite the fact that were originally works of military propaganda intended to inure potential military recruits to violence? And more importantly, given that this guy seems to think the history of video games began with first person shooters, is he really qualified to answer this question?

Then we get some pointless side chatter over the claim that games are good for your brain, followed by the charge that games are addictive--despite the explicit comparison made to gambling (at “your local Native American casino,” no less), there is no discussion of lootboxes or microtransactions whatsoever, suggesting the author is not aware of specific steps which are taken to make games addictive and is just invoking vague notions of all games being addictive. None of this ever comes up again, and we promptly move back to talking about the actual game.

More specifically, Inside is what’s known as a “2D side-scroller”—meaning that you observe your figure mostly in profile in the center of your screen while a background landscape scrolling right-to-left gives the illusion of left-to-right forward motion.

Somehow, the use of the term “2D side-scroller” in quotes does not make me feel that this fellow is sufficiently familiar with video games to assess whether or not they can be art, as does the fact that he reckons that the platformer he is playing hearkens back to a 1981 shoot-em-up he remembers from his teens, which makes his apparent conviction that video games originated as first person shooters all the more baffling.

And while the world of videogames has already become a “spectator sport,” I’m unaware of any instance of the record of a videogame player’s performance becoming intellectual property, as it has in the world of chess, and in a whole array of sports. True, gamers go “professional” by attracting followers on the internet and earning ad revenue, but their play itself is not copyrighted. Games might wind up in museums (worldwide, there are at least seventeen museums dedicated to videogames), but bracketed moments of the play of particular games have not yet become value-able as art.

I invite the author to start selling unauthorized DVDs of clips from popular Twitch streamers and gaming YouTubers and see how long their lawyers allow him to entertain the notion that Let’s Plays do not constitute intellectual property.

the 2D side-scroller and its pitbull of a cousin, the first-person shooter,

???

The rest of the section is pretty unremarkable, so we move onto him complaining about lousy movie critique, then lousy video game critique, then explaining the concept of Easter eggs, then video game puzzles:

The puzzles of Limbo and Inside are more ambitious than the puzzles of most games in that their solutions often require the player to wait, or to exhibit what in psychology and education circles is known as divergent thought—for example, a corpse is a corpse, but it is also potentially a deadweight that can be used to spring a boobytrap.

Making the player wait or use an unusual object as a weight doesn’t strike me as particularly devilishly clever.

Then we get this jewel of a paragraph:

Nevertheless, puzzles themselves stand as an obstacle blocking the path of videogames’ journey from game to art. For while I might willingly suspend my disbelief long enough to accept that a boy has been tasked with jogging exhaustedly through a factory that churns out invincible blob creatures, I will find that willingness strained when I am also confronted with confounding puzzles placed in my path for no good reason. Videogames, in other words, ignore the basic tenets of internal consistency—in order to keep playing, you must suspend your disbelief, and then suspend it again, and again, and again, which means that in order to play and enjoy videogames you must also suspend the kind of critical judgment that is normally associated with art.

You heard it here, folks, accepting weird gameplay conceits means you can’t critically analyze a game.

Similarly, Easter eggs appeal only on the level of geek fetish—which is more or less the opposite of critical appreciation—and it is for this reason that I won’t address the puzzles and Easter eggs in Inside, even though they eventually lead to what some have concluded is the game’s “hidden meaning.” And this is the problem of videogames in a nutshell, because meaning in work of art is no more hidden from its beholder than the summit of a mountain is hidden from the mountain climber.

Sounds to me more like the problem is that he’s ignoring what the game itself is telling him about its plot and themes because it’s doing it in a way he finds aesthetically displeasing. I don’t know much about critical analysis but I feel like that’s not really how you should be doing it.

We then get a description of the plots of Limbo and Inside, including a decent bit of analysis marred by a bit of “murder simulator”-ism.

This is worth noting because prior to this moment the violence the boy has inflicted, either in Limbo or Inside, has been indirect—really an act of self-defense—but now the game is threatening to creep back into the usual videogame mode of affectless murder. You are given a choice: slip backward toward the wantonly horrific likes of Grand Theft Auto (1997) and Postal 2 (2003) [3] , or pause a moment and then continue on in a macabre but not morally bankrupt pursuit narrative. In this way, the player is implicated in a wryly disjointed bit of commentary on the history of gaming itself.

I mean this entirely sincerely: someone should get this guy a copy of Undertale. I think he’d enjoy it, if he could get past the idea of having to accept JRPG conventions.

Sadly, video game still aren’t art because he can list a bunch of movies that had vaguely similar elements:

From there, it’s not hard to find antecedents for Inside in both literature and film—it’s a little bit Soylent Green, a little bit Logan’s Run, a little bit The Island of Dr. Moreau, and more than a little bit Frankenstein. The imagery starts to seem familiar, too, with milieus lifted from E.T., Alien, and The Poseidon Adventure. But all this allusive flotsam becomes a bit of a disappointment, as eventually you become hard pressed to find anything in Inside that you haven’t seen inside something else.

Ezra Pound demanded that artists “make it new,” and Marcel Proust insisted that a writer is someone who invents a voice as unique as his or her fingerprint, but Inside isn’t even really trying to tell a story that hasn’t been told before. That’s a problem. Art cannot be made up wholly of references to other art. Star Wars, for example, does not come close to art because at its core it is nothing more than a pre-fab mash-up of archetypes mail-ordered from the IKEA superstore of Joseph Campbell.

I mean... why can’t art be composed solely of references to other art? Why can the whole not be more than the sum of its parts? If I take a picture of the Mona Lisa and photoshop a photo of a can of soup over her head, the resulting work is distinct from either of the originals, even though I provided no original content except the idea of sticking the two together.

Put another way, Inside could only have been designed by someone who hasn’t read Roland Barthes’s “The Death of the Author,” and hasn’t read Walter Benjamin’s “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction,” and hasn’t read T.S. Eliot’s “Tradition and the Individual Talent”—someone who hasn’t, in other words, engaged theoretically with what art is. And that, in turn, leads to the simple conclusion that on the level of its plot Inside is not trying to do what art does.

Good god this guy is snobbish.

Second, there’s still the meta-twist to consider: perhaps Inside is a game with both a text and a subtext. And perhaps a subtext can help the videogame industry evolve beyond the hyperviolence that is its womb and its crutch.

“Hyperviolent” is not exactly how I would describe Breakout or Super Mario Bros. Anyway, he then ponders the potential meaning of the evil scientists at the end of the game being stand-ins for the developers, and comes to the conclusion that...

The problem of games today is that their creators have not imagined any purpose for them greater than fun. There are exceptions to this, of course, but for the most part games equate escape with distraction—to be distracted is to be entertained, and it is good to be entertained.

Unlike the rest of popular media, of course.

The obligation of art, as Henry James described it, is to be interesting, and if you’re paying attention, that is to say, if you’re trying for more than distraction, then Inside begins to be interesting with its name, which stands in stark contrast to games like Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

I too enjoy criticizing games for being superficial based on their titles.

Then we get some final analysis, a quote from a Raymond Carver short story I read in high school and remember mostly as something my friends in English class found homoerotic subtext in, and the claim that the goal of art is a feeling of transcendental bliss:

The much remarked-upon narrator of Raymond Carver’s classic short story, “Cathedral,” experiences such a moment as the story climaxes with a blind man helping him draw a church. “My eyes were still closed,” the narrator says. “I was in my house. I knew that. But I didn’t feel like I was inside anything.”

At its most ambitious, Inside aspires to a similar feeling. Escape in art that is not transcendence is cheap, and if you can climb beyond the foolish puzzles and the Easter eggs and the hidden meanings, you can feel, for a moment, that you are not alone on your sofa with your phone, playing a game; rather, you are somewhere else—somewhere grassy, bathed in warmth by a ray of sunlight falling from above.

And that’s nice and all but it feels like he didn’t really lead up to it.

Anyway, I spent way too much time picking through this but here we go. Final rating: 2/10, the next time you want to know if video games are art yet ask someone who actually plays them.

[waywardstrand]

Working from Life - our Play by Play talk!

As usual we’ve taken a little while to post another update, but things are going super well! We feel like we’ve been reaching some pretty exciting milestones on Wayward Strand recently, and are moving steadily onward.

Before getting into the talk, we’ll be Officially Announcing it soon, but we’ve added a page on our website on which you can subscribe to our newsletter! If you want to get notified about key bits of news (including when Wayward Strand is released), or you’d like to get emails with some behind the scenes stuff, head over there and sign up!

And in the meantime, here’s the video and transcript of a talk that Goldie and I did at Play by Play in Wellington, New Zealand earlier this year. It covers a pretty wide range of topics, but it speaks to each of our influences in working on Wayward Strand, as well as what we’ve learned from the process of creating it thus far.

Transcript

Jas: So Goldie and I are going to talk about this topic mainly in terms of the game that we're both working on, Wayward Strand. You don't need to know too much about it before we get started, except for the fact that it's an interactive story set in a small coastal town, in southern Victoria, from the 27th to the 29th of January, 1978. Oh, and that it's set on an airborne hospital.

It's an interesting mix of elements - so how did we get there?

When our team-mate Russell came up with the initial idea for Wayward Strand we talked a bit about where it could be set - at that point we had the airborne hospital, but it could have been set anywhere, and in a real place or a fantasy one.

At the time I'd been listening to short fiction podcasts - particularly the New Yorker fiction podcast, on which a writer chooses a story from the archives to read and discuss. After the reading, the writer and the podcast host, Deborah Treisman, often speak about the author of the piece, and discuss how the story links to the author’s life and history. I was fascinated by how many of the stories being read were set in locations and at times that had personal significance to the author.

To highlight an example, Stephanie Vaughn's stories that have been read on the podcast, Able, Baker, Charlie, Dog and Dog Heaven, from her collection Sweet Talk, are both from an army brat’s perspective, exploring daily life on military bases, and Stephanie Vaughn herself grew up on military bases; her family followed her father around to these bases through the years of her childhood. However, none of her stories are autobiographical - they're drawn from her life, but not based on her life.

Listening to her stories really awoke in me a realisation that this was something you could do - that I could do - set a story in a place and time that you have a personal connection to - and how that could be interesting and powerful. I’m going to pass across to Goldie, but I just want to say to read Sweet Talk! It’s incredible.

Goldie: One of the most captivating and earliest exposures for me of neorealism in indie art was when I discovered American Daniel Clowes’ long-form graphic novel, ‘Ghost World’. Ghost World follows Enid Coleslaw and Rebecca Doppelmeyer, two cynical, pseudo-intellectual teenage girls recently graduated from high school in the early 90’s. What really captured my curiosity was the way that the novel, as well as the 2001 film adaptation, follows the two teens as they spend their days wandering aimlessly around their unnamed American town, criticising popular culture and the everyday Americans they encounter. Especially notable in this small town, and still present in our towns and cities is the slowly encroaching franchises which smother their town’s individuality. The story regularly highlights characters who are almost the antithesis to the normalisation of behavior and social exchange. It’s hardly revolutionary, but was quintessentially realistic; a light shining on the quirk of the everyday.Ghost World was hugely influential on my expectations for myself as an artist, it taught me how to appreciate the small stuff which gets ignored by Warner Bros, Disney, Marvel and local mainstream media. Realism, in games, has usually meant photorealism - whereas realism or neorealism in literature, art and film has constantly been more about social context, historical actuality and political commitment to progressive social change. Robert Yang’s recent short article on Realism in games is worth a read to cover this.

When I arrived at uni, eventually, to study game design it was surprising to me to see that there wasn’t yet much exploration of the ‘slice-of-life’ genre in games, and even less social realism in games. There was some, the closest example I came across with glee was Dys4ia by Anna Anthropy, who used games to talk about her experiences with transitioning. Likewise, when I discovered Escape from Woomera, Katherine Neil’s extremely confident Half-Life mod which explores Australia’s ongoing disgraceful treatment of asylum seekers, I nearly exploded with hope for games. ‘Papers, Please’ by Lucas pope is another popular example of a reality-informed game for political expression. Richard Hoffmeier’s Cart Life, too, is perhaps the ultimate realist game, but to get into something as breathtakingly perfect is going to require a different talk.

Anyway, at uni, I decided with my friends to make a game inspired by Daniel Clowes, and the mundane, and set it within my fictionalised memories of growing up in Melbourne. We called it Movement Study 1. I chose Australian artists like Howard Arkley to inspire a lot of the visual design on key parts of the short game, knowing that in the 70’s he had also tried to extract the beauty from his mundane suburban Melbournian experience.

Like Ghost World, it focused on a loosely autobiographical version of myself through two characters who wrestle with their evolving post-high school friendships. I just wanted to see if it worked in Melbourne and of course, it did. It was a successful project as far as our intention for it goes. Since then, in 2013, we’ve been lucky to see games such as Gone Home and more recently, PaperBark, set in and about the Australian bush, and Knuckle Sandwich, another Australian endeavour at personal expression through interaction, with less of a real-world setting but with so much auto-biographical content. I learned through practice that the games space, like literature and film before it, was ripe for real-world settings and stories. Since making Movement Study 1, I have worked on a handful of private, small unreleased games, illustrations and stories about the lives of people from Australia, including but not restricted to family history.

When Jason and Russell approached me about working on Wayward Strand, it was an instant fit. All they had to do was mention that they were wanting to create a game set in Australia in the 70’s and I was interested. Through exploring more about the history of the time and place, we have constantly been confronted with terrible stories of injustice, as well as a plethora of unique country-life aesthetics to draw upon, and have the benefit of the lense of contemporary awareness to know which points to focus on.

Wayward Strand is my second attempt, in a team, at writing and crafting a richly Australian story based on fictional characters, informed by stories and histories I have come across. Because of the depth of history - both healthy and frankly, fucked up, I don’t doubt that Wayward Strand will eventually prove to be a successful exercise in real-world fictional narrative games.

Jas: So we thought we should have a slide that breaks down what we see as the key benefits of setting a game in a real place and time. It’s important to know that many of these benefits apply regardless of whether your game has a strong narrative component or not!

The benefits we see are, in brief:

* If you make a game that’s set in a place that has personal significance to you, it’s likely that it will have significance to other people in your family and community as well, and they'll be able to potentially help with your research process. In our case we were particularly lucky with this, which Goldie will speak to later, but reaching out to your local community is how you can find people who are able to be great resources in this regard.

* Once you set your story in a real place and time, it provides a scaffolding for your story as you are building it - you are still going to be telling your story, but having it set somewhere specific is incredibly helpful for overcoming the blank page. It’s a real place! It exists, or existed, and you can keep finding out more about it, then using the results of what you find.

* Relating to that, a real place and time is a treasure trove for influences and idea-generating facts or stories - think of it as the most comprehensive lore you could possibly imagine, and there are likely to be virtually limitless resources to draw from (we certainly found this anyway)..

* Finally, your work of art gains an immediate significance to real people's lives - the people who live in that place now, or lived there before, or have parents or ancestors who lived in that place. This provides meaning to your project beyond your personal creative impulses, and acts as a good incentive to actually finish what you've started - you’re now contributing to a continuum of cultural works about this place and time.

Goldie: Getting deeper in to the personal connections I am able to draw upon with this particular project, my mother Liz worked in the 70s, 80s and 90s as a charge nurse in Emergency Departments across Melbourne. She also grew up rurally, and has been an unparalleled resource for knowledge of the time and of experiences in hospitals. We’ve been able to base entire characters on her stories, as well as moments with almost all of the patients. Let alone the actual day-to-day running of the hospital. Vocal mannerisms, routines and expectations on the staff, behaviours of the patients. Ways for the staff to have fun, ways for them to get away with it. The hard parts and the sad parts. There were some things we couldn’t include, especially stuff which happens after dark in hospitals on slow nights such as crutches cricket, but learning about the culture of people working in these places at that time has been wonderful.

Like mum, my dad Jim was also involved in hospitals during his career- he was a senior health architect and was the lead designer on many of Melbourne’s large and small scale hospitals and health facilities. I grew up in a house full of reams of A0 paper with architectural plans for hospitals, as well as notebooks full of questions and thoughts which I never really understood. Approaching wayward strand as a designer, in the architectural mindset was definitely enriched because of this. Ship architecture on the other hand was less known to me- but luck has it that my grandfather, also Jim, was a ship’s engineer and his WW2 ship, the HMAS Castlemaine is still docked and accessible in Williamstown, Melbourne, and the public are welcome to tour any time. Merging hospitals and ships is pretty tough, though, so we’ll see how I go.

Another thing I have been able to draw upon is the experience I had with my dad in the last 5 years of his life. He died in 2016 after a long sickness which caused him the need to live in a handful of nursing homes around Melbourne. Visiting him every few days was pretty difficult after a while; nursing homes these days generally are unpleasant places, usually due to the tiny amount of funding available to them, as well as the task of managing older, sick and dying people of diverse backgrounds with differing care requirements. I spent many after work and uni afternoons with him updating him on how my life was changing, all whilst his was completely stagnant, and drawing ever so slowly to a close. He died about 5 weeks after I started working on Wayward Strand and I have squirrelled a huge amount of observations of the patients, the buildings, the routines and the feelings from those environments into the game. It’s been very healing for me, I think, to have had a project so immediately relevant to what could otherwise have been left to simmer. Knowing that the nursing home in our game is a slightly different type: luxurious, one of the first, and more like an optional living arrangement for some of the patients feels like a good thing. To really capture the greyness and frankly, macabre tone of a contemporary nursing home isn’t what we want to do with Wayward Strand…But knowing about it helps. Kind of like pushing an idea as far as it can go, and choosing which parts are gentle and true enough to include in a family-friendly video game.

Jas: I’m going to give a specific example that came out of talking to Liz which is a pretty minor spoiler - at one point we had a storyline that revolved around a character's desire to be euthanised, and that desire being blocked by the hospital staff. It made a bunch of sense to us when we thought of it and it's a topic we're interested in and initially wanted to explore in the story, but as we spoke to Liz she let us know that at the time - this is over 50 years ago at this point - euthanasia really wasn't the hot-button topic it is at the moment, and the hospital staff would basically euthanise patients if they desired it.

The staff used a euphemism for it - it was described as "making the patient more ‘comfortable’" - and the staff would just crank up the morphine and let them pass quietly in the night. This is not only a really interesting fact to know about our setting that has a lot to potentially explore in and of itself, but we've been able to change that character's story to be more suitable to the time, and to be more unique as well.

Now, instead of the storyline being very directly related to the hot-button topic - which is already being covered in other media such as the late great Terry Pratchett’s documentary Choosing to Die) -  our storyline has become more about that particular character's struggle for empowerment, and being given the right to make her own choices.

Goldie: There’s something which belongs to the people when you use media, especially media traditionally used commercially, to depict realism. Making work which comments on reality can be a powerful historical tool, both as documentation and representative of large social issues. Take for example one of the most significant paintings from the early realism period - The Gleaners, an ever-long masterpiece by Frenchman Jean-Francois Millet completed in 1857. The painting depicts, in an unadorned manner, three peasant women gleaning a field of stray stalks of wheat after the harvest, which they will use to feed their impoverished families. It is a sympathetic representation of the lowest ranks of rural society- and in 1857 it was very- extremely- poorly received by the French upper class, who were the prime audience for paintings like this at the time. Even the middle classes, fresh on the other side of the French Revolution in 1848 were upset by the painting. To them it was a reminder that French society was built upon the hard labor of the working masses, and landowners linked this with empathy towards Socialism - very uncool, even scary at the time. The Gleaners as well as other paintings and works of literature from this period were instrumental in broadening the perspectives of entire generations, thus shaping the course of history to become more inclusive, fair and considerate. Even pieces such as the (slightly problematic) Pride and Prejudice, 1813, have used reality to create social commentary and critique. Whilst this isn’t literally my personal history, it has helped to shape the reality I live in. By now, it’s the norm, artists across all media are regularly drawing upon the real world for their work. To use music as an example, there was a fresh wave of social critique with the hip hop movement, as well as with the political American punk movement in the 70s. Avant-garde art in the early 20th century with movements like Dada and outsider art in Europe are also significant, and the list goes on.

Making art hasn’t always been, and isn’t always political, but it can be, and if games are art, we can and should go there when we can, especially when we have things to say. This is one of the reasons why amplifying voices which aren’t traditionally as loud as mine, or maybe yours, is something vital for large-scale cultural progress.

In the 70s in Australia, following consultations and through general knowledge, we can paint one picture of rural Australian life at the time. It’s been covered in movies like the popular Puberty Blues, which shows the awkward, difficult and painfully slow (and sometimes painfully fast) moments of growing up by the beach. It’s heard in music of the time, notably Australia’s rock and even punk music of the time was always the voice of a working class people, demanding better conditions, and poetically capturing the conditions of their everyday lives. We can see snippets of VASTLY celebrated Australian culture by watching football and cricket re-runs, even if they were (and perhaps continue to be) pretty bad news as far as toxic masculinity goes. Less discussed than sport culture in the public forum at the time were some of Australia’s more despicable histories- for example the government’s cultural treatment of women, queer people and most markedly perhaps it’s unforgivable and unforgettable treatment of indigenous Australians. In the 1970s this was still, and I think continues to be, shameful. When the team met with Land’s Council member Uncle Chris to discover more about being young and indigenous at the time, he and I had a blast talking about the music scene in 70s Melbourne - but we also uncovered some very hard truths which have helped us shape the experiences of another young character on board the ship.

Jas: In regards to indigenous consultation we also talked with Dan Turnbull from the Bunurong Land Council - he let us know stories of the Bunurong who lived and still live on the land where the story is set, and really gave us a primer on Bunurong culture and society from his perspective.

We initially got in touch with the Bunurong Land Council through Dakoda Barker in Queensland, and we didn’t really know what to expect, but it turned out that Dan loves games, has a great understanding of what we were going for, and was able to give specific, pointed feedback and advice.

One of the particular things we came to Dan about was that, as Goldie mentioned, we wanted to have a Bunurong character in the game - a young Bunurong man - but we were worried about the ethics and outcome for the community of having a Bunurong character without having Bunurong representation on our team.

But what Dan told us was, obviously it would be great for us to have representation on the team, but that we should still go ahead with it - that he sees it as a net positive thing, something that he's excited about as a Bunurong man, and he gave us some pointers and guidance for how to do it in a way that he'd find respectful and worthwhile, as well as letting us know how to get more Bunurong folks involved.

Now it's important to note that we shouldn't assume that he speaks for all Bunurong people, or that this is some "license" or grant to do this - but it means that, from a personal perspective, we felt more sure of ourselves in including this character, and had a better idea of how we could include him in a way that wouldn’t be detrimental to the Bunurong community.

Consultation isn't a box to tick off or something that you can use to make yourself immune from criticism - criticism is good, healthy and valuable, especially when it comes from people who are more marginalised or less privileged than you.

Instead, consultation is an ongoing process that empowers you to make your creative work more relevant to more people. Every discussion that we've had so far has given us further insight; more interesting elements of the setting to explore; and has enriched the final player experience.

Goldie: If you’re able to pile in to a car or bus with your team and visit areas you want to explore, absolutely do it. When I was making Movement Study, I originally wanted to set it where I grew up, in Port Melbourne. But as it turns out, my artist and I decided to meet in Brunswick which is a more common area for our generation to have grown up in- there weren’t very many kids in Port Melbourne and so it wasn’t as well-known as Brunswick. This was definitely the right decision, as multi-generations of Melbournians instantly recognised exactly where the game was set. When Adrienne and I went to Brunswick, we spent time walking around and taking photos and footage of the old houses lining the streets. Small details popped out - how the gardens were kept, where wheelie bins were stored, how much signage there was, the condition of the footpaths, leaf litter, how much traffic there was at the time of day the game was set…so much more. Even just to be able to grab a palette from the walk was useful. It made the biggest difference to the game I think of anything else we did, and so when Wayward Strand decided where might be best for our game to be set, we decided to head off on a short adventure.

We booked a house for the weekend and took cameras and microphones and notebooks, and planned visits to local historical societies and places of interest. We got a huge amount done just that weekend. Walking around on the windswept beaches and getting our boots wet in the sand, as well as climbing over sandbanks, eating fish and chips at the local fish and chippery all helped place us in the mindset of what living and growing up there might be like. Watching kids the same age as our main character, 14 year old Casey, running around at the local markets dragging their parents around, or loitering behind the library with their bikes. Of course, things have changed since the 70s, but the visits to the historical societies helped us out there. We learned, by chance, that the closest large town to where we were, was in fact where the largest rural hospital was at the time, and that plenty of nurses and doctors had lived in the town back then. We walked through the streets documenting houses which could have belonged to our characters, all the time fleshing them out in to the richly sculpted people they are today. Small details like whether someone needed to paint their fence, or whether someone had the champion roses of the street were all there for us to pick up on and include. Who helped them build their houses? What are the families of the characters like? Who has previously used the rusted swing set?

More recently, we did a second beach trip to a different part of the Victorian coastline, just as a location scouting expedition. Kind of surprisingly, the history we had discovered during our first trip to Inverloch was extremely different to the history of this millionaire’s playground, Sorrento, even though they’re only a few hundred kilometers apart. It was only a short trip, and we spent a lot of the time either relaxing or focusing on other parts of running our studio, but at least we were able to ask ourselves “Did sunburnt knees feel the same in the 70s?”

Jas: Putting the game in this setting, having characters and stories that are informed by our own memories and life experiences, give us a structure, a scaffolding, in which to create our story. It’s gives us tons of materials to draw from, is a universe that already makes sense, and the fact that it’s so personal to us is a big factor in us still being excited about the project two and a half years in.

As an example of one of the many benefits that have come up, on our trip to Inverloch we - actually Goldie - found this book of short stories by older folks, published in 1999 - it’s full of stories by people whose lived experience is way closer than ours to the time that our characters would have been living in.

Here’s another example of a benefit that happened just last week - our animation lead Kalonica is visiting Europe at the moment, and went to the V&A Ocean Liners exhibit in London, and she posted dozens of incredible photos for source material for our ship on Slack, spurring a ton of fascinating questions - the answers to these questions will further enrich the player’s experience.

A question we keep asking ourselves at the end of this process is, why are so many games seemingly set by default in fantasy or sci-fi settings? Of course do that if it makes sense for your game, but why not have the default be a real setting, a real time and place in history or a contemporaneous setting, and open your project up to these really exciting possibilities?

Goldie: Well thanks for listening to our experiences and some of the reasons behind why we take this stuff as an opportunity, I hope it’s given you something to think about. Along with the easy and fun and warm parts of setting a project locally, I hope the weight of some of the political stuff has been inspiring too. I’ve been in Wellington for a week and reckon it’s a bit of a haven, but I’ve just arrived here from my first international trip, ever, where I visited the Pacific Northwest of America following GDC. What I saw was sometimes beautiful, but usually darkly astonishing. The homelessness crisis and drug abuse problems are results from a long history of neglect from local and federal government, the low common wages are the result of rampant unchecked greed, and the lack of even baseline social healthcare is bewildering. Some of the tiniest towns I passed through actually desperately need those franchises I mentioned earlier to create work, as dying industries leave entire generations without jobs. In New Zealand, like just about everywhere else, there is a massive housing affordability crisis, and of course there’s the growing income inequality gap which is is a problem which both of our nations share. If a portion of people in games aren’t making work or observations about what’s happening in our homes, we’re at risk of losing what I think is a profoundly significant piece of global history AND falling behind as an introspective form of expression. Even by taking inspiration from previous interpretations of a real time or place, you enrichen the cultural value of your game, and align it with other forms of fiction in a positive and fresh way; in a way that games, I think, are ready to be aligned with.

The times we’re living in are full to the brim of injustices at the hand, primarily, of big corporations and governments willing to have their pockets lined to get power. Asylum seekers in Australia are still treated like bugs, women are still, if quietly, treated as second-best, queer people in some countries are still murdered. This stuff isn’t new, but the people in this room are young and talented, and making stuff which people want to consume. It’s important, I think, to realise that by digging in to your own local histories you can help shape cultural expectations we put upon ourselves and expect from each other. Being brave enough to call out the problems, and curious enough to explore them through interaction and narrative design even retrospectively is a meaningful way to make games. On top of this, it’s also an extremely abundant resource for entertainment, if that’s more your speed. I watched a few choice New Zealand films on my way here and we’ve seen the impact those have had on the global media landscape - why can’t games use the same lore and landscapes to create new and relevant places to play?

What you as a designer choose to take from your local histories and places is very open - which is why research is key. By dealing with real world figures or events or even whole communities or towns, remember that you have the voice to highlight things which are otherwise left in the past or brushed over.

[md3artjournal]

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea that “you are the story you tell yourself”. I used to think I could learn to do anything. Looking back, even if I wasn’t as good in reality, I still tried and actually did it. But now I don’t believe I can do anything, and I do find myself doing more and more nothing with my life. 

Looking at my Personal Myth identifying as a “monster”, it’s pretty clear I’ve been self defeatist for years now and that’s become a self fulfilling prophecy. Recently felt like I’ve been sinking even lower. I don’t just cringe at identifying as an artist—How can i with these so-called skills and such low productivity?—but I’ve acquired more self defeatist thoughts like becoming more comfortable in identifying as not an artist. I was going to finally open an online shop this coming year, finally moving on the realization that it would work much better with my anxiety than stressing/failing to sign up for more conventions. But I’m still scared about it. Especially now with all the exhausting COPPA and CCPA news making me too scared to do anything proactive online. I’ve been coming to more frequently tell myself the narrative that I’m just not suited to make a living as an artist and should probably go back to office work with art as a hobby. I used to add the thought that i can still sell online what i make as a hobby, but all the new internet rules/laws are scaring me off. I cant even renew my drivers license without freaking out! I cant even pat my bills online without hyperventilating (even tho i have enough money)! Maybe im not suited to even having a shop online. Owning a business is hard and maybe in not suited to this stress. Maybe i have to start ignoring all my sister’s much appreciated encouragements and return to an inconsequential office job. Maybe a quiet, invisible, less stressful job, where the employer handles worrying about how to correctly follow new laws, might be better for my anxiety. (Not that I’ve been officially diagnosed since I’m too afraid to go to the doctor. I’m just afraid all the time and don’t know what else to call it.) The sad thing is that in my previous office job, i used to daydream all the time that if i just had the time and energy, I’d be making so many things. But since my job took up all my time and energy to possibly do art, i couldn’t do anything fulfilling and so i forced myself into efforts to try fulfillment thru consumerism instead, since that seemed to be everyone else’s strategy. But really it was just self destructive spending. Adding to my long history of self destructive physical self harm, procrastination, negative self talk, suicidal thoughts, etc. Maybe its genetic; my bro recently admitted the same lack of energy and time to do anything fulfilling after work, had gotten him into over consuming alcohol, even tho he’s barely an avid drinker vs normal people. If alcohol didn’t taste disgusting to me, i’d have probably become an alcoholic a long time ago. I could relate too much. So i feel like returning to an office, even if it might better suit my anxiety, is still giving up on life and dooming me to repeat my last experience of unfulfillment being vented thru self destruction. But hey, collecting anime figures is fun. And photographing them is fulfilling even if I’m terrible at it. Still feels sad to give up as an artist tho. The more i think these things as my self narrative, the more i can see it becoming my identity. I noticed that I’m drawing a lot less. I’m not motivated to craft at all anymore…not that i did as much as i thought i wanted before. But even tho illustration is my weakest skill, i used to do daily drawing challenges for every single month (that i wasn’t stressing over taxes or artist alley crunch time). …i also used to tell myself i was a writer, way back when. And that self narrative drive me to constantly improve and practice. It was something i could undeniably identify with and take pride in. We really are the stories we tell ourselves. But now my story is about giving up. And everyday i skip a drawing challenge, the more aware if this defeatist turn in my life and its inevitability. Just reinforces all my suicidal thoughts I’ve kept since i was 11. What a futile existence that never should have been.

[calix-daesyn]

Thank You All So Much

Calix Daesyn: 400 Followers

Lotus-of-Noxus: 460 Followers

I remember when I first came to the tumblr rp community a little over two years ago. I had no idea how to get started. However, I had been reading a lot of stuff by @prodigal-ezreal and their RP partners and I missed roleplaying so badly that I knew I wanted to jump in. I couldn’t decide who to play though: I had never played canon characters in any rp - and while I thought about trying my hand at Ezreal I just wasn’t sure. So, I made Calix. And he has evolved a HELL of a lot since then. 

It has been a bit rough getting into rp, I’ll admit. When I first made Calix I decided to try and take the advice of a lot of people and just start sending things out. About 80% of those were never answered or I received a ‘sorry I don’t rp with OC’s’ or jus t ‘no’. But some people answered and we soon started having a great time.

A lot of people I started RPing with just aren’t really around any more. Like @cutthroat-diplomacy who was my first SERIOUS ship (with poly allowances of course) for Calix and a great RP partner. @axesrevolution has always been wonderful and a great friend for Calix @timeforatruedisplayofskill helped me get into RP so much, welcoming me readily. @soulreaverdraven did the same and answered my asks and helped boost my confidence early. @spirit-of-an-exile I’ve seen more recently, but not as much - but still her riven mama was the guidance Calix needed and often ignored and got in trouble anyway but she would still sigh and call him bambi and pat his head. Someone who I’ve seen around more recently, but still not much: @the-malevolent-rose I loooove all your interactions with poor Calix. He may have danger kink and monster boyfriends but even he stays ten feet away from Rose when he can. Like I said, they aren’t really around any more, but I’m still so grateful. And there are a ton more I haven’t mentioned. I don’t want this to become a huge wall, just everyone know how much I appreciate everything. 

Now on to some people I interact with today all the time:

@uncle-touchy-lich You are such an amazing writer, artist, rp partner, and friend. I can’t express how happy I am that we clicked. I started following you and was so amazed by your Karthus and wanted so badly to RP with you that I reached out cautiously expecting kind refusal and instead I found someone who was excited to rp with me. I couldn’t believe someone with such a great muse and such great ideas thought my writing and my character were compelling. I’m so happy we started RPing and even happier we started to talk as friends. I adore you and your lich and all your work and characters and I hope we can continue being buddehs for a long time.

@thelanternwretch You are so fkn awesome bruh. Starting with your character and your RP - I LOVE EVERY BIT OF IT. Every dark twisted thing, every vodka thresh moment, every truly horrible villainous thing Thresh says, all of your history and your writing - I just love it. And you the mun are an amazing, sweet, beautifully twisted humor-having person. I really do consider you a friend and I am amazed that you like writing with and talking with me and I thank you so much for the interactions and for just talking to me.

@thecrimsonexecutioner Bab I know you feel insecure about some stuff some times but let me be the tell you that you are AMAZING. Your art is SO GOOD. Your characters are SO GOOD. I love writing with you and talking with you. You are awesome and your muses are fantastic. <3

@cervantestheferryman Dude bro bruh friendo you are a cool ass muthamuffin and I’m glad to see you back and active again. You’re great to rp with, great to build characters and AU’s with, and great for a fun time. Thanks for taking an interest in my bb’s and giving them good bruises.

@thefallenstarchild We don’t really RP, but I just want to note how much I love your Soraka and your art and just how sweet you are. Every time you answer something from Calix it makes me smile so much. <3

@definitely-not-altair You are one cool dude!!! I love watching your streams and reading what you do with Talon. Thank you for ever answering anything I send you from my Kat you are an angel. I really adore your writing and your art and we don’t talk or RP much, but I really appreciate that you put up with me at all lol.

@ace-of-spades-ezreal OOOAH YOUR BOY IS SO GOOD KAT WANTS DAT - ahem. Anyhow. I love your art, your writing, your character and I love every interaction between Ace and Kat - just so so so very good. And I love reading your interactions, your character building, just so much. You are one shiny muffin, acey.

@hook-and-chains Bab you are lovely!! <3 We don’t talk as much but I love your Threshie and adore seeing you on my dash!! <3

@morose-deserter You are such a sweetie and so is your Seryn bab and I loooove talking with you - in RP, in messenger, just everywhere. You are so great <3

@cup-cait Thank you so much for all the entertainment and for trying to keep Kat in line keep trying I believe in you bab. <3

Anyhow I should probably stop there before I take up everyone’s dashes completely. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to everyone I want to thank, but please know that I appreciate you all so much and I just love that anyone follows me at all. When I started Calix I couldn’t believe I had twenty followers - and now I have twenty times that. 

Thank you - so very much.