#I’m always anxious and stressed to the point that my stress has given me symptoms of so much shit

[hpmort]

There are more than two spiders in my room which I think is too many spiders? A room of mine’s size, yeah one spider is useful, and maybe 2 is good but I am concerned about population density

What do they know that i don’t

[docgold13]

Hey thanks for talking to me about my dad's schizophrenia. I have some questions. He definitely has paranoid schizophrenia. He's convinced police are coming to arrest him or inmates are coming to kill him. (He used to work as a prison guard for a long time). I don't really understand what schizophrenia is. I guess I just thought of it as "the hallucination disease" without really questioning that. My dad has paranoid delusions but he doesn't seem to hallucinate so far. Also did my dad always have it but now we see it? Or was he predisposed to it all his life but it just got triggered now? I heard this old urban legend that smoking too much weed can cause schizophrenia. I looked it up and that might not be true. But they did say that weed causes psychosis symptoms. and that people with schizophrenia should never smoke weed cuz it can trigger intense psychosis. My dad told me that when he was a teenager in the 70s he took one hit from a joint and he had a panic attack and thought he was gonna die. He never touched weed again. Now that we know he is schizophrenic did he have it back then?

You’re very welcome

I don’t know the answers to many of your questions but can say with certainty that smoking weed does not cause schizophrenia.  

Tetrahydrocannabinol (the active ingredient in cannabis) can definitely provoke anxiety, a panic attack, and even psychotic-like delusions… but only temporarily and will dissipate as the effects of the drug wears off.  

That being said, individuals who suffer from any sort of psychosis would be smart to steer clear of weed smoking or alcohol use in that such agents can compound or elicit episodes of psychosis.   

Schizophrenia develops mainly in late adolescence, but late-onset schizophrenia (with a first psychotic episode in one’s 40’s or 50’s) is not altogether uncommon.  There is not a huge amount of research into individuals’ functioning prior to late onset schizophrenia, but it makes sense to me that a person could have low level, paranoid ideation throughout their lives and then have a full blown psychotic episode later in life.  

Most all psychological conditions exist on a spectrum with only those on the high end of the spectrum meeting the criteria for a diagnosis of a given disorder.  For example, I am definitely high on the spectrum of anxiety… I’m easily made to feel anxious.  Yet I am not high enough (not yet at least) to meet the clinical criteria for a specific anxiety disorder.  

The same can be true for schizophrenia.  A person can be high on the schizophrenic spectrum, but not high enough on this spectrum to qualify for a diagnosis.  They can have low-level, non-clinical schizophrenia for a long time (which would likely manifest in a general suspiciousness, low temper and tendency to feel persecuted or ganged up on)… but nothing more than that.  

Later in life, however, something can happen that could cause that low-level schizophrenia to intensify to a point where a diagnosis is warranted.  

Stress, exposure to Covid, or just age-related cognitive changes can be what causes low-level, non-clinical schizophrenia to elevate into the range of being clinically significant.  

I do not know you, your dad nor your situation, but yeah I can see it as possible that he possessed low-level, non-clinical schizophrenia in his younger years and that something happened that resulted in it amplifying to a point where he was diagnosed with paranoid sub-type schizophrenia.   

[flareish]

Anxiety

kuroo x reader

summary: you hide your anxiety from basically everyone including your boyfriend, until he finds out for himself

genre: hurt/comfort

warnings: Emetophobia Warning! description of nausea/vomit, anxiety, bit of angst but ends in fluff

word count: 2.0k

a/n: I tried to make this as close to my anxiety since I hadn’t known anyone with my kind of anxiety(symptom wise) until I was seventeen, which was a good ways into when I realized I had anxiety. So here is some nausea anxiety representation!

masterlist

You tap your fingers in a mindless rhythm. Alternating the fingers and repeating them back and forth, trying to make it a game, a challenge. You did this over and over again to distract yourself from that all too familiar sinking feeling. That feeling like your stomach has managed to twist and knot itself a million times. Each bump of the bus made acid crawl up your throat. You crunched a mint in your mouth hoping the peppermint would soothe some of the nausea. It didn’t, but the thought was there. You just will yourself not to throw up on the bus, anything but that. The thought in itself makes you even more nervous, and in turn even sicker.

You don’t even know why you are anxious. Today is Kuroo’s big game, but it isn’t yours. You’ve been to a hundred of his games before but never before did you feel like this. Normally you get cute little butterflies, not an angry swarm of bees. The worst part is, there is Kuroo sat next to you happy as can be, completely oblivious. He keeps trying to drag you into conversations but you fear if you open your mouth for too long, all that will come up is vomit. So you keep your mouth firmly closed only smiling tightly or shaking your head at his prompts.

It's not exactly his fault though. He doesn’t actually know you have anxiety. It’s not something you really like to talk about. You are all for promoting the acceptance of mental health but you just find every time you tell someone the dynamic changes. Either they flat out don’t believe you since you “don’t seem like the type with anxiety”. Well duh, I don’t have social anxiety, I have situational anxiety. Like here in this situation. That or they suddenly treat me like I am incapable of handling myself. That whenever a slightly stressful event comes up, I am going to melt into a puddle of pure anxiety. Sorry but I’ve made it this far, I may have to throw up a few times on the way but I am still making it. 

So you just haven’t told Kuroo. You're just nervous that it will change the dynamic. You also don’t want to steal his spotlight. Today is supposed to be all about him. It's his big game. To suddenly speak up and tell him that his game is giving you anxiety would be selfish. So like you always have, you put a brave face on and face it head-on.

“Hey, are you okay?” Kuroo asks you, now facing you, “You look a little pale.”

“Hmm?,” You also turn to look at him, “Oh I am just a bit tired that’s all. I will be fine in an hour or so.” You hope at least. He nods relieved it's not something worse. 

You finally pull into the stadium and everyone is pushing their way off the bus. Luckily Kuroo is right by you to make sure you don't get accidentally pushed down the bus stairs and trampled. The team makes it’s to the bulletin board where they are given their matchups. Nekoma is paired with a pretty hard team. Suddenly, out of nowhere, you dry heave. You knew at the point you were going to throw up and within the next few minutes. 

“Hey I think I left something in the bus I’ll be right back.” You say to Kuroo before dashing off. He goes to reply but you are already gone. 

You make it around the back of the building before you throw up. At this point you’re kinda out of it, your mind is occupied on emptying your already empty stomach. Then you feel someone pull your hair back and gently rub your back. You don’t even have to look up to know it’s Kuroo. When you finish he hands you his water bottle.  You waterfall it and rinse your mouth out of that acidic taste. 

“What’s going on are you okay?” Kuroo asks full of concern. You hesitate for a moment, thinking of telling the truth. Then you remember this is supposed to be his day. 

“Sorry I must have caught a stomach bug.” He doesn’t completely buy it so you quickly add to it.

“I didn't feel great on the bus but I just thought it was because I was tired.” You feel bad lying, “I also don’t want to distract you before your game.” At that Kuroo quickly pulls you into a hug, “Your not a distraction, I just want to make sure you’re okay.” Your cheek is pressed against his chest and your hands grip the front of his shirt. 

“We should probably head back.” You mumble.

“Yeah.” He leans down to kiss you but you duck away. He looks incredibly offended and hurt at this.

“Dude I just threw up I don’t know if you want to do that.” 

“…Point.”

The two of you head back inside to the team, you feeling much better after throwing up. Before you know it, the competition has begun and Nekoma has won. You run down and celebrate with the team and it’s a happy day.

On the bus ride home Kuroo has a strange energy about him. Not like he’s mad more just like he’s just realized something. You nudge him and smile hoping to break him out of his little funk. He immediately smiles back and goes back to celebrating with the team. His reaction was almost like putting a mask on. You watch him for a moment before slipping into a conversation of your own.

When you make it back to school you go your separate ways. Him going to shower, and you to get home before it gets too late. A big hug before pushing away. You still refusing to kiss him after throwing up earlier in the day. 

You are laying on your bed, exhausted. Anxiety really takes a toll on your energy. Your thoughts are broken when your phone chimes with a text.  Leaning over to grab your phone off your bedside table you see it is from Kuroo. 

“Can you come over? I want to talk.”

No cute pet names. No slowly easing into it. Actually using proper grammar. Nothing in that message was a good sign. Just “I want to talk” was enough to make the acid begin to crawl again. You knew it had to be about today. Especially after you saw him zoning out on the bus. It had to be your anxiety episode. You knew he wouldn’t be happy you lied but going to this extent. Like he just found out you have anxiety and this is what he hits you with? The world’s most nerve-wracking text message. The only worse place than this would be “we need to talk”. That’s when you have really screwed up. So maybe you’ve only minorly screwed up since he said want not need. Does that mean you have the choice to say no? That was kind of tempting but you knew you would be tossing and turning all night thinking about what might be wrong. 

“Okay.” You reply to the text. Short and sweet. Putting on some shoes and grabbing a hoodie, you quietly slip out of your house. Kuroo’s house wasn’t too far but it was far enough. Enough to continue to stir in your intrusive and unstoppable thoughts. You eventually make it to his house and head in going straight for his room. Before you reach the door you hesitate and gather yourself. Preparing for whatever was about to come. 

When you go in you find Kuroo sat on the floor of his bedroom, back pressed against the bed. He jerkily looks up and you and gives you a tight smile. None of this is giving good signs. Something is very heavy on his mind. You sit down across from him, your back against the wall your feet almost touching. 

“So what was it you wanting to talk about.” You break the silence. He doesn’t respond for a moment. Just as you are about to try again he speaks up.

“Do you still love me?” Your face drops into confusion.

“Why wouldn’t I love you anymore?” You ask, suddenly realizing this wasn’t the conversation you were prepping yourself for. 

“You’ve been distant lately. You don’t tell me things like when you don’t feel good. I thought about it when I got home and I was wondering if you weren’t actually sick but just making the excuse because you got caught.” He’s very serious at the moment and his words hold a cold edge. 

“What do you mean get caught?” You match his tone. You weren’t planning on fighting but something about how he said it just set something off in you.

“You didn’t want to be there. Ever since this morning you were quiet and reserved. Even after the game, you wouldn’t even kiss me-”

“Yeah, cause I threw up! And how could I be faking it when I literally threw up.” You snap.

“You’ve been like this before though! Like last year’s big tournament you would barely talk to me.”

“That’s not true!” Although it kind of was just not the reason he thought.

“Oh yeah? What about at training camp you wouldn’t talk to me then either, you didn’t even eat with us you just sat on your own.” He threw back.

“Yeah, cause I have anxiety!” The words left your mouth before you knew it. Kuroo looked taken back.

“What?” His brow furrows, “Since when?” He’s not sure what to believe. You’re not surprised since you have worked very hard to hide it from everyone, accidentally sabotaging your own relationship without even knowing it. 

“Since forever. I just never told anyone.” You quietly say, ducking your head down.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” You didn’t even need to look up to see the hurt on his face, it was apparent in his voice. You start playing with your finger, tapping them in rhythms.

“I wanted to,” You mumble, “But whenever I do stuff changes and I didn’t want anything to change.” He shifts forward and you think he’s going to leave. Instead, he grabs your hands, stopping the pattern you had going. You look up.

“Did you think I would judge you?” He was staring straight into you, willing the truth to come out.

“Whenever I tell people they either don’t believe me and brush it off or treat me like I’m incapable of handling any amount of stress. I’ve never seen anyone react any differently so I was scared you would fall into one of those reactions and I didn’t know how I could handle that. I didn’t want my anxiety to be the thing to tear us apart. But I guess it still was.” By the end of your speech, your gaze has returned back to the floor, unable to hold eye contact for that long with him staring at you so strongly. You hear him sigh then you are pulled forward and into his arms. 

“I want to be your pillar of support. I want to be that third reaction that is one of acceptance, one that doesn’t drive you crazy.” He strokes your hair soothingly, his words making you tear up, “When you are ready I want you to tell me everything. From when you first noticed it, to where it is now, to how you deal with it, everything.” By now you are fully crying, absolutely collapsed into his chest. “I love you so much.” It gets muffled in his shirt but he hears it.

“I know, and I love you.”

It would take some time for Kuroo to get used to this change but slowly but surely he will be different from the rest and he will support you no matter what. Although he also respects your strength and knows you can handle your anxiety on your own, he is always there when you need it. He becomes the third unexpected and unheard-of reaction; acceptance.

[deadjihuam]

The Long-Term Effects Of Trama (MasterPost)

((Based off my own personal research on the aftermath of torture.))

People who have been tortured can have a range of symptoms, including:

* Headaches

* Shaking or trembling muscles

* Hearing loss

* Vision problems

* Sleeping problems

* Anxiety attacks

* Nervousness

* Irritability

* Sexual problems

* Depression

* Aggression

* Suicidal thoughts

* Chronic pain

A person who has been tortured may try hard to avoid anything that reminds them of their traumatic experience. This may include:

* Keeping thoughts and feelings separate, and choosing only to think instead of feel.

* They may ‘disconnect’ from the world around them and seem to be mostly daydreaming.

* Since many torturers are medical professionals, the person may stay away from hospitals, clinics, doctors, dentists and nurses.

* They may get anxious if they see or experience something that reminds them of their trauma, even if that object or activity isn’t dangerous or threatening in itself.

* The person may try to avoid crowds, public places, authority figures and anyone who wears a uniform.

* Some may stay home as much as they can, and avoid travelling and meeting new people.

* Harmful ways of coping may include alcohol or drug abuse.

A condition known as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) develops in some people after going through a frightening event. The symptoms of PTSD include:

* Flashbacks, intense memories and nightmares that are so vivid, it feels like the trauma is happening all over again

* Sleep problems, such as insomnia

* Withdrawal from people and situations

* Loss of interest in life

* Increased anxiety and watchfulness

* Nervousness

* Being easily frightened or startled

* Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness

* Irritability

* Aggression and anger

* Severe depression, or deadening of emotions

* Loss of full range of emotions

* Problems with concentration

* Problems with learning new skills

* Memory problems

* Feeling like they have no future

* Problems with close relationships

* Loss of appetite

* Unexplained skin rashes, headaches, stomach upsets and other complaints that don’t seem to have a physical cause

* Thoughts of suicide

Article Information

Important Take-Aways:

* The complete breaking of the “Just World Hypothesis” which is the unconscious belief that everyone naturally holds saying “I am safe in this world as long as I do good.”

* Hyper-paranoia resulting from the Just World breaking.

* Hyper-vigilance in PTSD, being extremely paranoid and always in fear.

* Intrusions in PTSD, consistently experiencing traumatic event(s) over and over again through nightmares, flashbacks, and hallucinations.

* Arousal in PTSD, having hypersensitive behavior and moods.

* The arousal point also mentions a loss of patience, recognizing even harmless things as dangerous, a constant feeling of being in danger, a shorter emotional fuse, and being generally upset all the time.

* Another thing not in the quoted section is a new feeling of helplessness. People who have been tortured had all control taken away from them and were left at the mercy of their torturer. This has left a long lasting impression of what “true helplessness” feels like.

Article:

“Psychologists sometimes talk about something called the Just World Hypothesis, which is a sort of core belief that most people have that goes something like, "I am safe in the world so long as I do good. Events in the world operate in a lawful and non-chaotic manner, and if I am a good person in the world, I can expect that the world will treat me fairly".

When a trauma comes along (any trauma will do) you have a situation where your Just World Hypothesis is suddenly contradicted by an overpowering event that says, "YOU ARE NOT SAFE. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL". When this happens, the Just World beliefs breaks, and what is left behind is a very nervous, very frantic, very frightened person.

Any random car accident can become cause for the Just World to break, but most of the time, after a period of shock and fear, many people climb back on the horse, so to speak, and start driving again. The Just World breaks but then reassembles itself resiliently. This reassembly is not a given, however. One way to describe what occurs in PTSD (when the situation becomes clinically relevant) is to say that in such cases, the Just World breaks and then remains broken.

I've written about PTSD before, so I won't go into it at length here. Suffice to say, classical PTSD has three clusters of symptoms: hyper-vigilance, intrusions, and arousal.

First, when you have PTSD you get hyper-vigilant for threats. Since the world has become radically unsafe, you start acting in ways that might help preserve your safety like: avoiding people; staying way from open windows; hitting the deck every time you hear a helicopter. At least these are ways that some Vietnam veterans did it. Other people think you are crazy, but, heck, you are crazy from the perspective of other people when you have PTSD. Their Just Worlds are still intact while yours has broken into bits. You see threats as real that they disregard as implausible. You know that a car accident can happen at any moment; that you could be tortured (or witness the results of torture) again. Others may know that these things are possibilities too, but they only know them intellectually, so they don't really know what they are talking about.

Second, people with PTSD suffer from intrusions. Memories of traumatic events come to them unbidden, and at the worst times. Nightmares, waking nightmares, even hallucinations in the more severe cases, each recreating the trauma in unwanted detail. If your trauma is a car accident, you replay the car accident. If your trauma is torture, you replay the torture. Think about having to live like that; having to replay a capricious and excruciatingly painful episode in your life, one where you lose everything, again and again.

Thirdly, PTSD involves arousal. Your whole body becomes hypersensitive and jumpy compared to how you used to be. Your baseline arousal rate elevates. Your threshold for perceiving danger lowers to the point where you experience false alarms that you are in danger all the time. Your emotional fuse gets shorter too. You lose a good deal of the patience you used to have. You are upset all the time.

A good number of people who are tortured for any length of time, or in any depth will go on to develop PTSD. No way around it. Torture is an effective method for creating disabling and more or less permanent emotional illness.”

((I’m working on finding this artical again. I’ll link it when that happens. Thanks for reading!))

[earthspirit10]

Ninjago Angst Week: Day Six - Sickness

@ninjago-angst-week​ klasdjfal;sjdfas AHHHH I’m sorry this is like, five days late, but I’ve been really busy and stressed and then research, but, uh, it’s here now? Hope it’s not too late :P

And well, this one isn’t as good as the others, in my opinion. (Well, I think it’s better than Day One, but for the others? Meh.) Writing someone sick (especially if I’ve never gotten that . . . particular disease before) is hard and I’m not even sure if I even got it all write. Also, Zane. Zane is hard to write too.

Trigger Warnings: Sickness (because that’s enough to be grossed out at), mention of death

---

As a nindroid, it wasn’t possible for Zane to get sick. He wasn’t a real lifeform like the others, nor was he prone to malfunctioning due to water or anything else a normal robot would suffer from. He was grateful for that, for even though he wasn’t physically human, he was human in his heart. It meant that he could take care of his siblings better without getting sick or injured himself.

When Jay had suddenly doubled over coughing, everyone had rushed toward his aid. Zane, of course, had helped whatever he could—he’d cooked warm meals for him, given him medicine, and made sure he was comfortable. (The others practically had to wrestle him into bed.)

It wasn’t unusual for Jay to be coughing these days due to a cough he’d developed, which wasn’t very uncommon or worrisome, but Zane was worried that the cold had progressed into something worse.

Zane opened the door to Jay’s room and poked his head through to check on his brother, who seemed to be curled up under layers and layers of blankets.

“Jay?”

Jay peeked out from under the blankets and blinked blearily, coughing a few times before giving Zane a reassuring smile. “Hey, tin can.”

Closing the door behind him, Zane entered the room and sat down on the bed next to Jay. He wasn’t afraid of catching whatever sickness his brother had, mainly because it was impossible. Still, he made a note to disinfect himself should he ever get close to any of his other siblings.

“How are you feeling?” he asked gently, remembering that Jay had sensitive hearing even without being sick.

“Bored,” Jay grumbled, huffing in indignation. “I mean, there’s nothing to do! I’m not even allowed to do anything! No video games, no tinkering, no—” His body suddenly shook as a coughing fit overtook him, and Zane watched anxiously as it dragged on. It seemed to take hours—though his internal clock told him it was only twelve seconds—before it passed, with Jay shivering and panting for breath.

Coughing. Fever. Chills. Immediately, Zane scanned the blue ninja’s body, his optical sensors switching into X-ray vision. It was difficult to do so with all the blankets surrounding Jay, not to mention that he was curled up.

“Jay,” Zane said softly, trying to keep his voice as even as he could. Jay blinked again, head tilting up in question. “Are you able to sit up?”

Jay nodded, though his expression still remained confused. Shifting around in his blankets, he sat up slowly, coughing weakly.

Now that his brother was sitting up, Zane was able to fully scan his chest, eyes narrowing. And as soon as he detected something, his metaphorical heart dropped, and he inhaled sharply, sensors switching back to normal vision.

No. That couldn’t— his brother couldn’t have—

“Zane, what— what is it?” Jay asked frantically, his voice edging on borderline panic. “What’s wrong?”

Zane swallowed, turning his head away. Now with this new knowledge, his advanced senses could clearly detect the wheezing whenever Jay breathed, the rapid pumping of his heart, the abnormal air flow in his lungs.

More worrying symptoms of— of—

“Zane, please, you’re really starting to worry me—”

Abruptly, he stood up, cutting off whatever Jay was going to say. Turning, Zane set his shoulder back, plastered on a smile, stopped his hands from shaking. He answered cheerfully, “Oh, nothing you should worry yourself about.”

Jay stared back. “Are you . . . sure?”

“Of course.” Zane nodded, already moving toward the doorway. “You should rest. Try not to exert yourself.” He said the last few sentences with more emphasis than he would normally put in.

“It’s not like there’s anything else I can do,” Jay sighed, but he flopped back onto the bed. Almost immediately, his body was wracked with coughs, but he waved aside Zane’s concern. “I’ll be fine, Zane,” he rasped. “Not goin’ anywhere. See?”

Zane eyed his brother for a few moments, then he exited the room, closing the door behind him. As soon as the door was closed, he laid his head on it, pressing his hands to his eyes.

Why was he overreacting with this information? It wasn’t like this was fatal, nor was it dangerous, so why was he acting like Jay had a life-threatening disease that could potentially take him away any moment? It wasn’t— it wasn’t like—

His back sliding down the door, Zane buried his head between his knees, tears springing to his eyes, tears that weren’t supposed to be there in the first place, and yet he was human enough to have them.

Sometimes, he wished that he didn’t have emotions, that he didn’t have to feel the pain, the guilt, the worry.

If Jay’s illness worsened, if fate decided to be cruel again, Jay might die. It was Zane’s fault for detecting it so late, for not scanning him the first time he’d shown signs of a cough a week ago. And that meant a higher risk for this sickness to become deadly.

And they had let him participate in training, in patrols, in crime scenes. Mainly because Zane had told them that it was okay, when it wasn’t okay. Not anymore.

What kind of brother was he?

Footsteps approached him, and Zane raised his head, blinking as his vision sharpened on Cole’s face.

“Zane?” the earth ninja’s voice was concerned. “What’s wrong?”

Zane inhaled. Exhaled. He shouldn’t lie to them. Shouldn’t give them the false sense of security he’d stupidly given to Jay.

“Jay has pneumonia.”

⸺

After that, everything basically descended into chaos and panic. Calls were made, antibiotics were bought, and new rules and patrols were assigned. Zane had to hold Kai back from bursting into Jay’s room and fussing over him, mainly because this type of pneumonia was contagious, partly because Kai looked incredibly mad and that wouldn’t do well for Jay’s mental health, which could also affect his physical health.

Eventually, Zane had to tell Jay of his condition, which he oddly took well. At least, considering how much the blue ninja would normally panic.

“It’ll just— it’ll just pass, right?” Jay asked hoarsely, though there was a hint of fear in his voice. “Nothing much to worry about?”

Zane could tell that the others were pressed against the door of the room, anxiously eavesdropping on the conversation.

He nodded. “If you get enough rest and medicine, and there are no complications, then you should be fine.” The word should echoed ominously, silently, and he knew that all of them knew that not everything went as it should go.

Jay breathed out a sigh, before he dissolved into a bout of harsh hacking. Immediately, the mood spiraled into worried buzzing, and the door creeped open the tiniest bit. Zane rubbed his brother’s back, anxiously waiting for it to pass.

“Jay—”

“‘m fine,” Jay murmured, voice raspy from all the coughing. He closed his eyes, snuggling closer to his blankets.

Zane eyed him for a few more moments, heart clenching at his brother’s pitiful form. Swallowing, he stood up and patted his shoulder. “You should rest,” he whispered. The lightning ninja didn’t reply, but the slow rise and fall of his chest indicated that he was already asleep.

Zane turned on X-ray vision for a brief moment, scanning for any other unusual activity, then on to infrared, before he switched back to normal human vision. Slowly standing up, he exited the room, closing the door softly behind him, and was immediately met with the anxious gazes of his other siblings.

“He’s fine, for now,” he told them, keeping his voice carefully even. “He’ll simply need more rest and medicine. His immune system will do the rest.”

They all relaxed, if only slightly, but Zane knew that they would never truly be at ease until Jay was completely healed. After all, they had a bad history with luck.

⸺

As the days passed, Jay only got sicker. Almost the entirety of the week was filled with him coughing, the tense atmosphere rising every time it worsened. Still, Zane knew better than to give him cough medicine, especially since coughing was meant to help with the pneumonia. He made sure to monitor his brother every hour, checking on his lungs, his heart, his blood pressure—basically everything. It hadn’t gotten bad to the point where Jay would need to be admitted into the hospital, but he was dangerously close.

Once, as Zane left Jay’s room, he nearly bumped into Cole, who always hovered near. He nodded silently at the earth ninja and was about to resume his day when he suddenly felt a hand grabbing his wrist, holding him back. Surprised, Zane glanced back, and he blinked in alarm at the barely noticeable tears in Cole’s eyes.

“I—” Cole swallowed, looking away, as if embarrassed. His hand let go of the ice ninja’s wrist. “Jay’s going to be fine, right?” His voice was small, but it was pleading, desperate, almost like he was afraid of Zane’s answer.

Zane closed his eyes for a brief moment, then opened them. “He will be alright,” he said quietly and firmly, but he couldn’t help the fear that surged in him as he heard Jay emit another cough from within the room.

“That’s what the doctors told me,” Cole whispered, squeezing his eyes shut, and Zane wasn’t sure if he was talking to him or himself.

After a while, Cole shook his head, his eyes reopening. “I— well, when I was little, my mom— she was really sick.”

Oh. Oh. Zane stared back at his brother, not sure if he liked where this was going.

“A-and the doctors said that she’d be okay, that she was going to survive, but—” His voice stuttered to a stop, and Cole made an odd noise that sounded like he was choking, and he turned away.

The silence stretched on, very painfully loud, with Jay coughing occasionally in the background. Zane continued staring at his brother, not sure what to do in this situation. He wasn’t used to seeing Cole like this—so vulnerable and open, and it made his mechanical heart clench.

But he knew loss. All of them do, all too well. And he knew how it felt to feel so hopeful, hopeful for the future, only for that hope to be shattered.

So Zane did what anyone would normally do. He hugged his brother, wrapping his arms around him. Cole stiffened in surprise, but eventually, he relaxed into the embrace, hugging the ice ninja back.

Patting Cole’s back a little awkwardly, Zane whispered, letting his emotions seep into his voice, “Jay will be fine.” A beat. “I promise.”

And it wasn’t an empty promise. Logically, Zane knew that pneumonia wasn’t deadly, especially since Jay had a really good immune system. But for the sake of his family, for the sake of Jay, Zane wasn’t going to let his brother die.

He’d die himself before that would happen.

[teddybeardoll]

I just found out about somethings that are bothering me.. so I think we've all noticed how there's a lot of idols under jyp entertainment that are now suffering from anxiety or other problems ;-;" and I don't mean this in any bad way cause tbh jyp IS my "favorite" company. It has debuted most of my favorite kpop groups and I fell in love with the way Jinyoung treats the artists, like a father. But, sincerely I don't think good things are happening in there. Ever since jyp sold the company, a lot of shit has happened.. these aren't all of the issues probably, but these ones are the ones that have concerned me the most as a fan of these groups.

First was Twice's Mina's anxiety. People say that she began suffering anxiety because she was being harassed by the current CEO of the company, which I'm still not convinced fully. Anyways, it's a possibility that we need to take into consideration, for artists don't have a voice in this "world" and, if this actually happened, Mina wouldn't be able to say anything for the sake of her career (sad but true).

Then, Jackson Wang's depression. This one shocked me a lot because, all those who know Jackson are familiar with his happy virus personality. So, I didn't expect this news to pop up, especially since he's always smiling and making an effort to make others smile. Although I was surprised, it was something I figured could happen. Jackson has lately been involved in a lot of polemical situations with his mother nation, China. And if we add the fact that his parent's house location has been leaked, it was just a matter of time. Some may think that it's stupid to feel depressed by these things, but Jackson is a person that has given a lot for his country. "He's proudly Chinese, and he's sure about it".

Another thing that alarmed me was that Kim Woojin left Straykids.. I won't hide that this broke my heart. I cried for this guy so much that I don't even know how I feel till these day. And, although the letter said that he left due "personal reasons", I'm still to believe that it was all a plan of the CEO. Let's review, Woojin along with the other guys have worked so hard on Straykids that it just seems imposible for him to give it all up so easily. And don't get me wrong, I respect everyone in their actions, but wouldn't it be best to just take a break and come back when you feel ready? That's the first thing why I think all of these was action of the CEO. Another reason is that Woojin was doing just fine days before the letter was posted. Promoting and participating as he has always done. That's mainly why a lot of Stays didn't understand quiet well what was happening. It was something unexpected, it came out of nowhere.. The OTHER point why I don't think this was Woojin's decision is that JYP, Everytime that they post a letter announcing the departure of an idol due personal reasons, they give the reason. And yes, it's not an "obligation", but why not do it with Woojin? Maybe cause there's no justified reason ejem ejem. So yeah, I think that Woojin was fired, for no reason at all. He's been nothing more than a hard-working artist that wants to achieve his dreams as a singer. He has showed so much love to Stays and people in general, it hurts me that he may be suffering from this and we are blinded by a "personal reasons".. and this may sound a bit harsh, cause he maybe could've taken that decision on his own, but it just doesn't seem like a Woojin thing.

Recently news about Jaebum being in depression had circulated Instagram and Agahses are, yet again, worried for the members. This was truly unexpected, since Jaebum has always showed himself as a self-assured person who is hardly damaged to this level. As an aghase, I was expecting this more like a Youngjae thing.. don't get me wrong, I'm Youngjae biased, but he seems one to be sentimental and easily affected by comments (its painful to see him break down because of them.) I honestly was alarmed by the news of Jaebum being in a depression state. I'm sure we all have seen a photo or two from the cuts on his wrists, and this is just making me scared for him. Cause he's so deep in a depression he's becoming suicidal... I'm not fully sure WHY he could be like this, but it must be something that he hid very well all these time. Or something that just came out of nowhere, like with Woojin.

Lastly, the most recent of all these news, Jisung's anxiety. This one in particular I have seen it coming for a while. Not from jisung in particular, but from Straykids in general. After Woojin's incident, I was surprised to see that the members didn't showed themselves affected publicly. They just continued promoting as Straykids, which caught my eye a bit. Straykid's members are all sentimental persons, so it worried me that they didn't show these symptoms sooner. Jisung is my bias, but not because of that I'll say nice things. If I say that he's a dedicated little boy is mostly cause he IS a dedicated little boy. For thoes who didn't knew Straykids produce their own songs, and a good amount of the content that they show to the public are songs composed/ produced by Jisung. That meaning that he can probably be facing anxiety by all the work they had for these comeback. Another thing is that Jisung has a strong vincule with all Straykids members, so I picture that's one of the main reasons why he is now suffering from anxiety (for Woojin's departure from Straykids). He's still a kid, so this things may be affecting him in a different way than the hyung line. And, as I said before, they aren't showing how much the group's situation may be affecting them, so them keeping all of this to themselves is a factor for feeling anxious and even stressed.

That's mainly why I think it's the company's decision taking Woojin away, cause lately the content that Straykids upload it's basically ignoring the fact that Woojin is not a member anymore and hopefully making the fans forget that he was even there on the first place.

Jyp Entertainment is a huge company that's been getting involved on all these emotional situations. As I said in the begining, Jyp IS my favorite company, but bad things are bad things and they can't be ignored. I'm sure I'm not the only one that thinks this way, but it seems like we're silent. Like we're just suffering in silence...

It's our duty as fans to support these people now that they need us, so don't stop sending love to these idols cause they need it now more than ever.

“We don't want more tragedies...”

[needloveandpositivity]

It's been described as the worst year of my life packed into 3 or 4 months. And it has been. 2020 was so good for us. We grew closer in our relationship. I knew quarantine was either going to make or break us, and we are doing so well together. I love him with all my heart. But there's so much going on, I'm so exhausted.

We became really close with his aunt and uncle over the summer. We visited often, they came to visit here, it was a good relationship. His aunt became a confidant for me. We could talk about anything. Then his uncle decided to fuck off. Left with no warning. They had 1 fight and he was gone. Aunt was heart broken. My man went to pick up uncle, because my man has a huge heart. It felt like we got shoved in the middle of their separation. Aunt vented to me often about uncle. Trashing him left right and center. I didn't really like him in the first place, but he's family, I gotta tolerate him. But it's so hard to stay neutral. Not even a week after he left, he started seeing another woman. A woman who he had already cheated on aunt with in the past.

I did my best to keep aunts head level, so she wouldn't call, text, email, what ever this lady to try and ruin uncles set up he had. She was so angry. So bitter. And I understood 100%, I think her feelings were justified. He left her. Again. 3rd time he walked out on her because she was trying to help him sort himself out.

My birthday, I get a text message, my man's great aunt had passed away. The woman that uncle was living with passed away suddenly in her sleep. She wasn't a super healthy woman, I understand she had cancer and diabetes, she had basically given up. But she seemed to be doing well, all things considered. We had just seen her the weekend before, she was happy, joking with us. And suddenly, gone. In a text message. We went to see my family that weekend, my dad and my brothers birthdays are all around mine as well, so we were going to celebrate together. I let my parents know, my man's great aunt has passed away quite suddenly. No response. No, "I'm sorry for your loss" no "wow that's terrible, my condolences" nothing. Just oh, yeah I overheard your man say it to his mom earlier. Thanks.

I had 3 weeks off work between contracts. I tried to use that time to organize the apartment, sort things to sell/give away, but Toronto was shutting down again for lock down, so I couldn't really do much with the things I didn't want anymore. So I'm still sitting on those boxes.

The 3rd week, my man's mom came to visit for a few days, which was nice. Her and I get along really well. We went to pet smart, went for a walk, hung out, it was nice. But she left in the middle of the night, no text, no explanation. Just gone. I woke up the next morning looking for her, assuming she went out to smoke, and I couldn't find her. She must have noticed I was active on Facebook, because she messaged me like 20 minutes later, said her gut told her to go home, so she did. At like 3am.

Like a week or 2 later she starts getting all distant, hardly responding to me, not giving me solid answers about Christmas plans, just keeps saying what ever. I asked her if something was wrong and she just kept saying no. It was like this for like a week or two and she just kept getting more and more snippy with me. So I finally asked my man like is your mom mad at me or something. But he's like no no she's fine she loves you why would she be mad at you, what could you possibly have done? And that's what I was wondering too, like, what can I do? What have I done?

Finally, she tells my man that she was upset with me, she thought I didn't want to see her on Christmas. That she was just an after thought. Because I offered to see her all day on December 26th. She took offense to December 26th because in her mind, December 26th is the left over day. The day that people who don't matter get. In my family, December 25 and December 26 hold the same value. We always switched back and forth with my moms family and my dads family for Christmas day and boxing day. This Christmas, with the covid rules and everything, my dads family was going to visit on the 27th, just a few of them, and mom's side was going to do Christmas day, since it was their turn anyways. So the 26th was completely free, and I wanted to give MIL our undivided attention. No rushing to another dinner, she gets the day. But she didn't want that. She wanted Christmas day. But she wouldn't communicate that to me so that we could arrange that for her.. so she thought I didn't want to see her. That she didn't matter. And she got all angry and distant about it without just telling me.

We finally got it sorted out, Christmas was super messy, my moms parents were being over the top about Christmas plans, they ended up canceling everything, and we ended up being able to see MIL on Christmas day after all. The whole time we were down there, I was anxious and uncomfortable. Trying to please everybody at the same time, and it was never enough. Nobody was ever satisfied by the time we could or could not spend with them.

Then, the 27th in the evening we had Christmas with my man's dad. Uncle was there. With this new woman. No heads up, we just walked in, and there she is. No introduction or nothing. Just hey welcome to Christmas dinner, have a seat. Like what? He knew we still spoke with aunt. He knew how heart broken she was. And now flaunting this new girlfriend at us???? I felt completely disrespected. Like he did it to get a rise out of me. Like he did it so that I would tell aunt and put fuel on the fire. He did it to make it hurt for us to tell aunt.

I was so excited to finally go home.

January 4th. One of the worst days of my life. I'm working from home, any normal day. And I get a text message from my best friends son. My best friend has tragically died of a stroke this weekend. I can feel my soul being torn to shreds. I screamed and cried for hours. I was able to calm myself just long enough to send an email to my boss, let him know what happened and i will be signed off for the rest of the day. My mom gave me a call as soon as she found out, one of her friends found out because she used to work with my best friend. She called me, and immediately she knew that I knew. I told her who told me, and I sobbed. She didn't stay on the line for very long. Just told me that if all I'm going to do is sit there and cry, then she's going to go because she had things to do. I wanted to tell her to fuck off right then and there. But I just said k and hung up. I called my man so he knew I wasn't working, that I wasn't okay. He hurried home that afternoon.

January was a rough, rough month. I felt right on the edge of crying every single day. I couldn't make phone calls without bursting into tears. I spent so much time just staring at the wall. I smoked so much weed just so I could get through an hour without crying. My eyes, my nose, my throat, my soul hurt just existing. Weed gave me that temporary relief.

Just when I started pulling myself together, making it through a day without sobbing, my dad texts me. My great aunt has passed away. At this point, I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel. I'm just angry all the time. It's either nothing, or angry. There's no in between.

February I start to realize I'm really not okay. And I haven't actually been okay for a while. I haven't done laundry properly since well before Christmas. The apartment is a mess. And more and more often I'm thinking about walking out into the street just to hope someone will run me over. Then maybe someone will notice and understand how very not okay I am. Maybe I'll die? Is that really the worst thing that could happen?

I finally called my doctor when I started having some really physical symptoms. Thinking about my best friend, thinking about aunt and uncle fighting, thinking about MIL, thinking about anything remotely stressful or disappointing would make me shake. Like an uncontrollable shiver starting deep in my chest. Come to find out that's called heart palpitations. I've also been having these attacks, Ill be sitting on the couch, or fucking sleeping, and I'll wake up with a pain in my lower abdomen, super dizzy, nauseous, light headed. I sit in the bathroom and wait to either throw up, or pass out. Neither happen, and after about 20 minutes it subsides, I'm exhausted and I go back to sleep. My heart rate gets so high, so consistently during this time that my fitbit has started recording it as exercise.

I'm scared, obviously, that something might be seriously wrong with me. The nurse that I speak to on the phone doesn't think there's anything to worry about. She says it's just anxiety, she will book me in next week to be put on medication. At this point I'm not entirely convinced it's "just anxiety", so I made an appointment with a counselor. Even if it is "just anxiety" this is far more intense than i have EVER experienced in my life, and I've been diagnosed with anxiety/depression since I was like 13.

My mom doesn't care. I told her what was happening and she just said, I'm sure you're fine. I am super duper absolutely not fine. I haven't thought about dying in YEARS. The last time I thought about it was when I told my parents I was bi and my mom tried to leave. Went upstairs, packed a bag, and walked out the door. My dad chased her down and got her to come back in but like, what the fuck.

I'm almost 1 week on trintellix, I have to get bloodwork done this week to make sure these fun, awesome, never before seen symptoms are in fact just anxiety, and I see the cousellor next week to hopefully figure out what's going on and how to get through this.

I have plans, goals. My man and I are talking about getting married in 2022. Talking about buying a home in 2024. Children? Maybe. But I'd like to be around here to meet them.

So, here I am. I have people who listen, but I feel like I just rant at one friend way too much, and she's sick of me. Another friend that changes the subject when I get sad. Another who has told me she's sick of people venting to her, because she has her own mental health to deal with. And my man doesn't know how to help me. He tries, he really does. But he has bad days too, and I cannot help him while I'm down here. I can't pick him up while I'm still down.

I just need someone to listen. Someone to hear me rant and vent and get things off my chest. Because if I don't, I know I'm going to drown down here.

If you're willing and able to reach out, please do. If not, this will be the blog that I journal in, I guess. Where I write down everything that I want to talk to my best friend about. I know she can't respond, but I'm sure she's up there watching me, and I hope she's reading this to know that I'm trying. I'm getting help. I'm trying to get better, so I can do better.

[ayatosmlktea]

I saw your post about Crazy Levi can I make a request on when reader and Levi has been dating for more than 3 years but one day they get into a horrible car crash and Levi smashed his head making him bipolar and reader did everything in their power to help him but nothing was working and he had to go to a mental hospital. Angst plz 😂😓

TW: Self-Harm, Mentions of Suicide, Depression, Mania, Bipolar disorder. Please read at your own risk.

𝑵𝒐 𝑯𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝑬𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈

The accident had changed their lives completely, it just had to happen on one of their worst days. They had been so busy yelling at each other, fighting over something that was now so stupid and insignificant that Y/N hadn’t been focused enough to avoid the oncoming collision due to another driver running a red light. The crash hadn’t really been her fault, but her attention had been so focused on proving Levi wrong that she felt like everything that happened after was because of her petty tantrum. It was the universe’s way of saying that her habit of fighting over nothing was going to come back around to wreak havoc and destruction in its wake.

Y/N had managed to walk away with a minor concussion and a few broken bones but Levi had been less lucky. It had been three weeks since their accident and he still hadn’t woken up. She had cried until all that her body could do was feel like it was collapsing in on itself. Her eyes were constantly bloodshot and to anyone she might have seemed high, but she was preparing for the day the doctors would tell her that Levi would never walk up again. She never left his bedside unless absolutely necessary and even then the nurses would have to drag her out of his room.

“I’ve never prayed in my life and I must seem like the biggest hypocrite ever but if there’s anyone up there listening…please just give him back to me. I swear I’ll never start stupid arguments again just let him wake up” She had lost count of how many nights she’d spent pleading to whatever omnipotent being was listening to her desperate cries for help. All she wanted was to see his beautiful stormy eyes open again so she could apologize and beg for his forgiveness.

Her prayers were answered shortly after, it was a miracle! That’s what the doctors had said, and Y/N would take it. Whatever conditions were attached to him waking up didn’t matter, Levi was finally back.

“There’s been significant damage to his frontal lobe. You might start noticing some changes in his personality, if it gets to a point where he becomes a danger to himself or you give this number a call.” Levi’s primary doctor handed her a small black business card. Sina Institute for Mental Health. The words settled in her stomach uncomfortably. She really wanted to believe that Levi wouldn’t change, maybe with time he’d recover from the trauma. Maybe the doctors were over-exaggerating, Levi was resilient he’d pull through!

               ____________________________________________

“Welcome home Y/N! I missed you so much, you’re not going to leave me are you?” The sing-songy voice that greeted her as she walked through the front door didn’t make her feel welcome at all. Levi’s recovery was going worse than she had ever expected. The man living with her was not someone she recognized at all anymore. She never knew which Levi she was going to come home to and it was starting to make her feel anxious as soon as she started her trek home. On top of their already pricy rent and other costs their expenses had quickly skyrocketed due to their medical bills and Levi’s medication. Levi was on sick leave from his job, still not at a satisfactory level of physical or mental well being to return to work fulltime meaning that Y/N was shouldering the majority of their bills.

“I’m not going to leave you, you know I’m doing overtime at work. I called you earlier to let you know I’d be home late.” Putting her bag on the counter she walked over to the fridge to pour herself a giant glass of wine.

“I was thinking that our place could use some new furniture don’t you think? So I ordered a bunch of stuff online! Isn’t that great?” Y/N had to fight the urge to vomit while her fingers gripped the neck of her glass tighter. The stress of having to juggle all of their bills was already stressing her out to the point of not being able to sleep at night and now Levi’s habit of impulsively maxing out their credit cards was becoming too much.

“Levi we talked about this, you’re not supposed to use the credit cards unless it’s an emergency” Y/N couldn’t hold back the long sigh that left her lips, everything was just becoming so pointless.

“I know but I was cleaning before and it just didn’t feel right.”

“What didn’t feel right?” She asks not really wanting to know the answer.

“I don’t know! I just feel like something big is going to happen soon and we need to clean this dump up” His cheerful words clawed at her gut, Levi was never one to spend money recklessly. While she wasn’t as much of a neat freak as he was; she still tried her best to keep their shared space as clean as possible knowing that his mania was easily triggered by the slightest mess.

“Did you take your medication today?”

“I don’t need them! I feel better, honestly!” Her eyes began to burn with tears of helplessness. She had thought she could help him work through the mess his head was in. Researching for hours on the internet for ways to make it easier on adjusting him to being on his own without throwing himself into a depressive fit.

She’d anonymously called the number the doctor had given her asking for possible diagnosis based on the symptoms Levi displayed within the past three months. While they weren’t able to give her an accurate diagnosis without actually talking to Levi they’d been fairly sure his symptoms were similar to that of Bipolar disorder.

Y/N didn’t want to accept it at first, the Levi she had fallen in love with was stubborn and strong-willed. If anything, he was the one who had held her together. He was always rational and now the tables had been turned, Levi was not Levi. His manic episodes made him jittery and impulsive. His depressive episodes had her on edge constantly, normally she could talk him down from doing something irreversible but it seemed like their luck had finally run out.

                 ____________________________________________

Y/N had come home later than she had intended, it was well past midnight and she knew Levi was going to be up waiting for her to come back. She had tried calling his phone but he wasn’t picking up. She bit her lip nervously, it was never a good thing when he didn’t answer his phone. Her hands were shaking with anxiety when she unlocked the door. The apartment was dark and quiet yet something lurking in the darkness was screaming at her to turn away and walk away. Flicking the lights on the sight of drops of blood trailing from the kitchen into the hallway had the hairs on the back of her neck standing.

“Levi!” She called out not bothering to remove her shoes as she followed the trail leading to their bedroom. Holding her breath she pushed open the door that was already ajar. Levi sat on the edge of their bed, his face covered with his hands and his shoulders trembling slightly.

“Levi?” Cautiously she approached him, her fight or flight response ringing like a siren in her ear to get out. His head shot up at the sound of her frightened voice, eyes red and wet with tears.

“You promised!” His tone was accusing and all too loud for her to feel remotely safe.

“I’m really sorry! I didn’t mean to get home so late! Did you hurt yourself?” Trying to stay calm enough to let him allow her to get close to him was proving to be more difficult as each second ticked by.

“I don’t want to live if you’re going to leave me! Tell me you aren’t going to leave me!” The crimson stains on his shirt and their bedsheets had Y/N on the verge of a panic attack. She couldn’t help him on her own anymore.

“I’m not going to leave you. Please let me help you, you’re bleeding everywhere!” Hysteria was creeping into her throat, every minute that she watched the shell of the man she used to know made her heart pound uncomfortably in her chest.

“I don’t need your help! I don’t need anyone’s help! You think I don’t see the way you look at me? Like I’m some kind of monster? Like a fucking freak!” Tears streamed down her cheeks as he began screaming at her.

“I don’t think you’re a monster” she choked out in between sobs trying to catch her breath. Her hands reached out to him hoping that physical affection would help calm him down. Instead Levi violently shoved her out of his way to lock himself in the bathroom.

“Levi let me help you please!” She shouted banging her fists against the door uncaring of how loud she was being. Her head started to feel light headed as she began to hyperventilate. Through blurry eyes and with shaking fingers she called for an ambulance.

                 ____________________________________________

Levi had screamed that he hated her several times that night before the paramedics had given him a sedative. His voice infiltrated her dreams, every night she’d wake up to the image of his blood on her hands. It had been a few weeks since she’d admitted him to the psych ward, as much as she loved him she couldn’t bring herself to face him. Y/N was consumed by guilt, she’d sit in her car for hours outside the institute before going back home. There wasn’t anything she could say that would make up for her failed attempts at helping him. She had promised Levi that she wouldn’t leave him but it seemed like sometimes promises had to be broken.

Masterlist

[heauxplesslydevoted]

As The Dust Settles (Chapter 2)

A/N: I can’t even express how happy I am that so many of you guys enjoyed the first part. All of the support is genuinely appreciated. As always, please let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged, or if you were supposed to be tagged but I missed you. And enjoy!

Tags: @princess-geek @chetachisblog @dorishi-desu @hatescapsicum @annekebbphotography @drakewalkerfantasy @zambazeus @loilko @blackcoffee85 @randomchoicesblog @fortunatelywaywardsandwich @canknot @lapisreviewsstuff @akacalliope @senseofduties @badchoicesposts @ao719 @stanathanxoox @supercoolperson0808 @soft-for-drake @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @choices-lurker @oofchoices @ramseyandrys @molly7998 @narrytheworld @fan-of-all-trades 

~

Marissa is confident that she’s worn a hole into the floor with all the pacing she’s done. It’s mostly a nonsensical route from her bed to the walk-in closet, something to do in order to keep her mind from racing.

The girls are tucked into bed, having shoved their faces with as much pizza as they could, so she was up by herself. Thomas is working late at the office, his client practically holding him hostage. And while she misses her husband, she’s glad to be alone. It gives her time to think.

“How much time has passed?” Marissa asks anxiously.

“Since you peed on the stick 15 seconds ago?” Alma shoots back rhetorically. “”It’s been 15 seconds, doll. 17 now.”

“Sorry.” Marissa turns on the faucet and quickly washes her hands. “I know I’m probably being a total spazz right now.”

“It’s fine. I’m sure finding out you’re pregnant is a stressful thing.”

“I’m not pregnant, I might be pregnant,” Marissa corrects. “We don’t know yet.”

“I’ve watched you puke your weight today, and you haven’t had a period in weeks, if you aren’t pregnant, I will give you my right arm.”

“What if my appendix is currently rupturing?” Marissa asks hypothetically. “Or I have some type of worm?

“Gross. And you don’t have appendicitis, nor are your insides being eaten by a tapeworm.”

“I don’t think that’s how they work.”

Alma rolls her eyes. “Whatever, my point remains.”

“The last time I was in this situation, I was 21, in my cramped apartment. It was my senior year at Fresno State, I was broke as hell, and I was 8 credits shy of graduating. When the stick showed that tiny little plus sign, I panicked. And Guy pretended to be happy and supportive, until reality set in.”

Alma grabs her friend’s hand and gives her a supportive squeeze. Now the panic makes more sense. “Well, guess what? You’re 32 now, you’ve graduated from school, you aren’t broke. You have a wonderful job, a strong support system, and an amazing husband. Thomas is a great man, and Guy isn’t good enough to shine his shoes, so don’t even start comparing the circumstances. He’s going to be ecstatic.”

“Yeah.” Marissa nods. “I know all of that, but I still feel anxious. I can’t help myself.”

“It’s going to be fine,” Alma says confidently. “You’re going to be fine.”The timer on Alma’s phone goes off, the loud beeping interrupting their silence. “Well, the moment has come.”

“That 3 minutes went by way too fast.”

“Come on, let’s rip the bandaid off already.”

Marissa reaches over and picks up the pregnancy test with a trembling hand. Staring back at her is a tiny pink plus sign.

Marissa crawls into bed and pulls up the duvet. She closes her eyes in a feeble attempt to get some sleep. That doesn’t work, as she tosses and turns for a few minutes before she finally sits up in bed. The events of the day weigh on her now that she’s not moving, now that she’s finally allowing herself the space and opportunity to think. She’s pregnant. She’s really pregnant, there’s a bun in her oven.

A hand flies down to her still flat abdomen and she strokes the skin gently. It all still feels surreal. Is she ready to do the baby thing all over again? But this time around, she has Thomas. Sweet, supportive, compassionate Thomas. They’re in it together. A smile flits across her face at the thought.

An hour later, after a lot of tossing and turning, Marissa finally feels herself dozing off. Her exhaustion pulls her in, when the door to their bedroom softly opens. She opens her eyes and sees Thomas slowly tiptoeing further into the room, in an attempt to not wake up.

“I’m not sleeping,” she says, startling Thomas. She can see him squinting towards the bed to get a good look at her. “You don’t have to sneak in.”

“What are you doing up so late? You should be resting.”

“Can’t sleep,” Marissa says.

Thomas walks over to their bed and crouches down so he’s at her eye level. He strokes her cheek gently with his thumb. “How are you feeling?”

“Mostly tired. Drained, really.”

“Whatever you have, I hope it passes soon.”

Not for another 9 months, Marissa thinks to herself. But she nods along with him nonetheless. “Right now, I’m okay though. I should be back to myself in no time.”

“That’s good news. As soon as you’re feeling better, I’m taking you on a date. Fancy dinner, expensive , the girls can spend the night with Alma.”

“That sounds amazing,” Marissa says with a sigh. “Now hurry up and change so you can get in here with me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Thomas quickly changes clothes and brushes his teeth, not bothering to hang his suit, opting to throw it over the bench sitting at the foot of their bed. He slides into bed and wraps an arm around Marissa’s waist.

“How was work?”

“Long. These clients are getting progressively worse.”

“Any progress on the fighting sisters?”

“Yeah. They’ve decided to try mediation, because they realized that going back and forth to court was only draining their inheritance.”

Marissa chuckles. “That’s something they could’ve figured out a long time ago.”

“True, but I get paid by the hour, so that was more money for me.”

Marissa scoots in closer to Thomas, and runs a hand through his hair. He sighs dreamily and his eyes flutter shut at contact.

Her mind is racing. Would now be a good time to tell him? Should she wait? Maybe she should confirm things with her doctor before making the announcement. But why drag things out further? Just rip the band-aid off, right? Early pregnancy tests are pretty accurate, so there’s no need for more confirmation. She already knows the answer.

“Thomas,” she calls out gently, deciding to get out it out. There’s no response. She looks up and sees his eyes are closed. “Thomas, are you up?” He mumbles something intelligible and she hears a faint snore pass his lips.

“Okay. We’ll try again later.”

~~V~~

The next morning when Marissa wakes up, she lingers in bed for a minute, bracing herself for the inevitable nausea that’s going to wrack her body and ruin her day.

But it doesn’t hit. 

So Marissa slowly gets up and quietly makes her way to their en-suite, careful not to disrupt her husband’s sleep. Now that she’s in motion, she’s shocked that the urge to vomit still hasn’t kicked in. 

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, Marissa is convinced that she’s experiencing some sort of miracle as the morning sickness is still at bay. Maybe it’s a sign that she should tell Thomas the news.

Returning to their bedroom, she sees that Thomas is still sleeping. He’s flat on his back, one arm tucked behind his head the other one across his stomach. She crawls back into bed and sits on him, the unexpected weight rousing home out of his sleep.

Thomas blinks a few times, getting adjusted to the soft light peeking through the curtains. His eyes settle on Marissa who’s staring back at him. “Well, this is a sight I can get used to.”

Marissa leans down and kisses Thomas softly on the lips. “Good morning.”

“Morning. You seem to be feeling better today.”

“I am. Much better because I don’t have any morning sickness today.”

“Well that’s good to–morning sickness? Did you just say morning sickness?”

“I did.”

“But that’s for pregnant women,” Thomas says, still half-asleep, not fully putting the pieces together. Marissa stays silent, watching the wheels practically turn in his head. His eyes grow wide. “Are you pregnant?”

Marissa nods. “Yes, I took the test–”

The sentence is interrupted as Thomas practically jumps out of bed and scoops Marissa into his arms, hugging her tightly. “Oh my God! When did you find out? How far along are you?”

“I took the test yesterday and it was positive. Alma was the one who suggested it, and I can’t believe I didn’t notice the symptoms earlier. And I don’t know how far along I am, but I can’t be more than 6 weeks.”

“I’m going to be a dad again?”

Marissa nods. “You are.” Thomas spins his wife around excitedly, her giggles filling the quiet room. “You’re going to make me very dizzy, Lawyer Man.”

His cheeks flush a deep shade of pink and he stops spinning, planting her feet firmly back on the ground. “Sorry! Are you okay?”

“I am. But with all of the throwing up I’ve been doing for the past few days, I don’t want to risk it.”

Thomas drops to his knees in front of Marissa. He slowly lifts up her shirt, exposing her stomach to him. Holy shit, they created a life together, one that was currently growing inside of her.

“Hi,” Thomas greets, his voice thick with emotion. “You’ve given mommy a tough time these past few days. I guess that was your way of making your presence known.” His fingertips graze the soft flesh. “I’ve known about you for all of 2 minutes, and I love you more than I can express with words. A please be a boy because I am severely outnumbered in this house.” That gets a laugh out of Marissa.

He places a lingering kiss on her stomach , then another for good measure before he stands back up.

“I love you so much, Marissa Mendez.”

A pleasant shiver runs down the length of her spine. She always gets a kick out of him using her full name. “I love you too.”

His hands reach up to gently cup her face, and he runs his thumb across the apple of her cheek. Maybe he’s just on a natural high right now, but she has never looked more beautiful to him than she does in this moment, something he didn’t think was possible. He leans down and kisses her softly.

Marissa tilts her head up slightly and deepens the kiss, earning a small groan of approval from her husband. He kisses her back with just as much enthusiasm before his lips travel down her neck.

“Hey, dad and Marissa, can we have–”

The sound of their bedroom door opening followed by Luz’s loud voice forces the couple to spring apart.

“Ugh, not again,” Luz grumbles.

Thomas rolls his eyes. “What do you want, Luz?”

“Ivy and I wanted to know if Marissa could make us French toast for breakfast,” Luz explains. “But only if she’s not sick anymore.”

Marissa nods. “Yeah, I’ll make French toast.”

“Great.” Luz turns around and runs out of the room. “IVY, I FOUND THEM KISSING EACH OTHER AGAIN!”

“EWWWW!”

“BUT WE CAN HAVE FRENCH TOAST!”

“YAY!”

Marissa chuckles and rests her forehead against Thomas’s chest. “You ready for another one?”

“Yeah. I love our two goobers.”

“Me too.”

“And I know I’ve said it before, but I’m going to Home Depot later today so I can buy a lock for our door.”

~~V~~

The rest of the weekend flies by in a blur and before Marissa knows it, it’s time for her first prenatal appointment.

She and Thomas opted to have their appointment early in the morning while the girls were at school. They still don’t know about the pregnancy, and Marissa wants to wait until she is in her second trimester to make the announcement.

Now they’re sitting in a drafty hospital room, and she’s wearing an itchy hospital gown, and where is her OBGYN? This limbo, this waiting will be the death of her.

Thomas places a warm hand on her knee, stopping her from bouncing it any further. “Babe, stop.”

“Sorry! I’m just–”

“Anxious?”

“Yes.”

“Everything is going to be fine,” Thomas says confidently.

They sit in silence for a few more minutes before there’s a soft knock on the door. An older woman wearing a white coat peeks her head in and smiles. “Marissa Mendez?”

“That’s me.”

“Hi.” The woman fully enters the room. She extends a hand to Marissa, who eagerly shakes. “I’m Doctor Lancaster.”

“Nice to meet you.” Marissa gestures to Thomas. “This is my husband, Thomas.”

Dr. Lancaster and Thomas exchange greetings. The woman closes the door behind her and sits down. “So, I heard we’re here today because of a pregnancy?”

“Yes. I was feeling really sick last week, but I brushed it off because my daughter had a stomach bug. But she got better and I got worse, so my friend suggested that I might be pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.”

“Okay. Well congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

Dr. Lancaster logs into her computer and pulls up Marissa’s medical files. She jumps right in, asking Marissa a wide range of questions from when her last period was to all of the symptoms she’s experienced. “Your vitals look good, you’re a healthy weight. Do either of you smoke?”

“No.”

“Drink?”

“Not consistently,” Marissa says. “The last time I drank was a few weeks ago when we went out to a sushi restaurant and I drank sake.” Her eyes widen. “Is that okay? Alcohol and raw fish on the same night?”

“It was before you were pregnant, I’m going to give you a pass. But now that you’re aware of the pregnancy, no more drinking and no more sushi. And you’ve had one previous pregnancy, correct?”

“Yes, my daughter, Ivy. She’s 11 now, I had her at 21.” Marissa bites the inside of her cheek. “I’m not too old for this, right?”

“Advanced maternal age is 35 and older,” Dr. Lancaster explains. “But technology and medicine have greatly improved within the last few years, so getting pregnant in your 30s is not the end of the world. And given your medical history, there’s no need for me to treat this like a high risk pregnancy.”

Marissa breathes a sigh of relief at the words. “Okay.”

“Do you two have any questions for me?”

Thomas nods. “I know pregnant women experience morning sickness, but Marissa seems to not get any relief. She’s been miserable lately. Is there anything we can do?”

“I can prescribe you something for the nausea, but if it gets too bad — like you start losing weight, or you can’t even hold down water — then I want you to come back.”

“I can do that.”

“Now, let’s see if we can get a peek at your little one. Go ahead and lie back for me, Marissa. Put your legs in the stirrups like this is any other routine exam.”

Marissa follows the instructions. Thomas’s eyes scan the room and he sees Dr. Lancaster grab something that looks like a wand.

“What is that?”

“Well from all the information your wife has given me, it sounds like she’s only 6 or 7 weeks along, which is too early to detect anything with the traditional transducer you’re probably used to seeing,” Dr. Lancaster explains. “This has to be inserted so we can see the baby.”

Thomas takes a deep breath, absorbing all of the information. He looks down at Marissa, whose eyes are shut as the doctor inserts the wand. After a moment she relaxes and looks at the computer screen.

They stare at it for a while, and Marissa doesn’t see anything. It just looks like a blank screen.

“Okay, so this is your uterus. And right there in the center, do you see that?” Dr. Lancaster points to a dot on the screen. Marissa nods. “That’s your baby.”

“That’s it? That tiny little dot?”

“It’s your tiny little dot. And that little flicker on the screen is the heartbeat. Right now, you’re measuring at exactly 7 weeks and your baby is the size of a blueberry.”

Thomas doesn’t say anything, he just stares at the screen in complete astonishment. Marissa’s having a baby, his baby. This was real. Tears prick the corners of his eyes and cloud his vision to the point where he can’t see past them. Fat tears eventually fall down his cheeks and he tries to wipe them away to no avail.

Marissa looks up at his and swipes her thumb across his cheek. “Don’t cry.”

But he truly can’t help the onslaught of emotions he feels: joy, anxiousness, excitement and strongest of them all, love.

He bends down and kisses her, every inch of skin he can find — her hands, her forehead, her cheeks, her lips, her nose — murmuring soft, “I love you’s,” in between every kiss.

“I love you, too.”

Dr. Lancaster smiles at the happy couple. “How about I print out lots of pictures?

~~V~~

After a slew of more tests, Marissa and Thomas were finally able to leave the hospital, just in time to pick up the girls from school. They’re in the Bernhardt parking lot, jammed between a line of luxury cars as parents and nannies wait for the day to end.

Thomas looks over at Marissa as she’s sitting in the passenger seat, their hands interlaced at the center console. He hasn’t been able to take his hands off of her all day, close never being close enough.

“How are you feeling?” He asks gently.

“Tired. It’s been a long time since I’ve done a prenatal appointment, I forgot how long they could be in the beginning.” After the ultrasound, Marissa got a pelvic exam, and gave blood and urine samples to the hospital lab. It took a lot out of her. “And Dr. Lancaster is much more thorough than my old obstetrician.”

“When we get home, you just get some rest. I can help the girls with their homework and figure out dinner.”

“You’re the best,” Marissa says. “Just put a lasagna in the oven.”

“I think I can handle–”

Thomas is cut off by a loud knock on his car window, startling him. He rolls down the window and sees Vanessa. “Vanessa, hello.”

“Thomas, hi. It’s always a pleasure to see you.” Her eyes flicker over to Marissa. “Hi, Marissa.”

“Vanessa,” Marissa greets back.

“I saw you guys parked here and I just had to come over. Marissa, we missed you at another PTA meeting.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t make it.”

“Is everything okay?”

Marissa narrows her eyes at the question. Since when does Vanessa give a damn about her? “Everything is fine. I had an appointment that was more pressing than this meeting and I couldn’t miss it.”

“You’ve missed two PTA meetings in a row now.”

“Is that a problem, V?” Marissa asks. “Ivy isn’t here on scholarship, so I’m not mandated to go to these terribly inconvenient PTA meetings anymore. I’m a part of the committee by choice, and if I miss a meeting or two, I’m sure the sky won’t fall.”

Vanessa bites the inside of her cheek to keep quiet. This woman was still as petulant as ever. “We like consistency, M.”

“Sorry. I’ll try to make the next one.”

It’s clear that Vanessa’s presence is a sore spot and Thomas doesn’t want to agitate his wife further. “This has been a lovely chat, but we should continue it some other time.”

“Oh Thomas, just one more thing!”

“Yes?”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard any rumblings at your firm but the partners are thinking of selling it.”

“What?”

“You guys haven’t had many high profile cases recently, and they’d rather just cut their losses.”

“And how on earth do you know that?” Thomas asks. 

“Because my firm is angling to buy yours out,” Vanessa replies smoothly. A smug smile appears on her face. “And if things go like I think they will, you and I might end up being coworkers.”

[zmbified]

      hellllllooooooo  !!  i’m  peach  ( she/her, 19 basically 20 tho cause my birthday is next week )  and  listen........  i  Love  me  some  apocalyptic  settings  so  i  was  so  excited  to  find  this  rp  :’)  if  you’d  prefer  to  chat  /  plot  on  d!scord ,  mine  is  coochpetals#0085  ♡♡

this  is  intro  1/2  &  in  this  one ,  you’ll  find  information  on  my  baby  girl  clementine  sinclair  . . .

“ WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU’RE STILL MY SISTER. ” is that KATHRYN NEWTON? oh no, that’s CLEMENTINE SINCLAIR, born on the 12TH of JULY, 2024. i heard that SHE (CIS FEMALE) is a HUNTER in THE PURGED. apparently, they can be PATIENT and RESOURCEFUL but also known to be ANXIOUS and DISHONEST. spends most of their free time DRAWING IN THE DIRT WITH A STICK, probably smells like DIRT. is that a bite mark i see? no, must have been a trick of the light.

quick stats .

name :  clementine sinclair.

nickname :  clem.

age :  20 years old.

gender + pronouns :  cis female + she/her.

orientation :  bisexual + biromantic 

role + group :  hunter + the purged.

important backstory points .

born to a single mother with an older sister, rose, waiting for her.

mama sinclair didn’t trust groups so the trio stayed on their own; she taught them how to survive and the importance of sticking together.

in 2036, clementine’s mother sacrificed herself so that her daughters could escape and survive. long story short, they found themselves face to face with a bloater while hiding from a horde. clementine was given her mother’s bracelet before she sacrificed and still, to this day, clem refuses to take it off for any reason.

clementine is 18 when the duo became very weak and ill. the sisters were having a rough few weeks and you could definitely tell by how they physically looked. luckily, a stranger found them and took them back to her group. she slipped them through under a disguise that she was her biological children whom she thought she’d lost years prior. unluckily, this group happened to be the purged.

rose was thankful and very happy to be a part of the purged and would even eventually become a seraphim. however, clementine feels much less enthusiastic  &  is very ready to leave the second she sees what the group is about and constantly pushes for the duo to leave but rose always shuts her down and says no.

in turn, this gives clementine no choice but to stay in the group because she refuses to leave her sister; she always kept in mind the importance her mother stressed about them sticking together...

other stuff .

listen..... clementine??? Hates the purged DFJKGH she’s genuinely very afraid of them and doesn’t want to know what’ll happen if she tries to leave so she pretends to be supportive + loyal  &  at least tries her best to be nice to everyone in the group.

she experiences almost daily panic attacks. prior to being found in the purged, rose taught her some techniques to help her with her anxiety ( deep breathing, playing the 5 senses game, etc ). clem tries her best to hide her symptoms from her group, again, out of fear; there has been a few slip-ups though.

she has IBS which........... YIKES!!!!!!! makes living with the purged an even more unpleasant experience DFGJKH.

super random fact but she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.

connection ideas .

the outsider :  you are someone who helps keep clementine sane. you’re from two different groups and have very secret meetings deep within the bush. she considers you a very good friend. clementine often vents to you. you’re very much her rock. (0/1)

the only friend :  you are just about the only other member in the purged (other than her sister obvs) that clementine truly trusts.  while, you don’t know her true feelings about the group, you do know about her anxiety attacks and frequently help her through them. (0/1)

the sour taste :  you and clementine were the opposite of a spark right off the bat. you two just could never find common ground and are always bickering with one another. she tried her best to be nice to you but......... on God, she couldn’t contain herself. (0/1)

the forbidden love story :  you and clementine are in different groups and it’s just common law that you two are forbidden from seeing + being with each other. if the purged ever found out you two met....... Zoo-wee-mama, it would be not be good. but this doesn’t stop you two from seeing each other... 👀

honestly.......... anything and everything >:) gimme gimme

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 110120

1 November, 2020

Dear Dad--

Well, I’m anxious enough to burst at any second. How are things in your casa? 

My anxiety is related to the election. And without even addressing my desired outcome, I think it’s safe to say this is a hugely important election! I know more people have already done early voting in Texas than voted in total in the 2016 election, and that’s pretty cool. So Tuesday will arrive, and either we’ll know the winner by late Tuesday or early Wednesday, or else we won’t, in which case, who knows what’ll happen, or how long it’ll take for a result to be known. And although the candidates couldn’t be more different, they’re both old white guys, and I just read they’re both teetotalers. I didn’t read the article, because I’m not one who believes your capacity to serve capably as President is directly related to your alcohol consumption, even if your level of consumption matches that of Winston Churchill or Dean Martin. 

For election night, since Zach prefers to go to bed before 9:00, I’ll stay up with Zach until he retires, then I’ll pop down to my plant scientist friend’s home and watch the election returns with him and his husband. I had grandiose ideas about getting a posterboard and putting a big map of America on it, and coloring in the states as their called by the news networks, but I believe I’m going to reject that idea, in favor of white-knuckled stress puking and nervously pacing. I was also going to make myself some white Russians and drink myself into oblivion, but would you believe, I suck at that? I’ve never actually been falling-down drunk, because I always desire to stop before then. I assure you, this isn’t a comment on our family history in any way; I just think it’s weird. With weed, my attitude tends to be, “Continue giving it to me until I die of old age,” but with alcohol it’s always, “I’m slightly tipsy; guess I’m done!” 

Since it’s now November--also, did you set your clocks back?--my 61-day Halloween movie marathon is over, and that makes me sad, especially since I’m still working on my haunted house movie script. I’m going to try to have the first draft completed by the end of this month, so I can use December to edit and punch it up, and have it done by the new year. Not sure what I’m going to write after that, but if you remember the movie Rollercoaster, that’s one I’d like to see remade. I’ve always loved that movie! It’s the one where George Segal gets to run around inside an amusement park while the mad bomber tells him what to do with a walkie-talkie. And then you find out that the walkie-talkie is a bomb! And that bomber was played by Timothy Bottoms, whose brother is Sam Bottoms, who was Lance the surfer in Apocalypse Now. 

Unrelated to any of that, I believe I’ve given myself sciatica! It’s exactly as fun as one might think, when the main nerve that runs from your spine, to your ass, and down your legs gets itself all worked up about something. Zach’s mom is a nurse, and she pointed out that the place where I seem to be experiencing the pain is my left side sciatic nerve. It basically runs from my left butt down my left leg. Sciatica is usually asymmetrical like that. And, because that wasn’t entertaining enough on its own, it seems that sciatica is a symptom of something else. So the sciatic pain isn’t the real problem, it’s just a bonus feature. I’m going to see my doctor about it, and I’m guessing he’ll refer me to someone who’ll confirm that I’m suffering from total spinal failure (I just made that up.) and I have five minutes to live. 

This all happened in association with that time a few weeks ago when I threw out my back. After a couple of weeks, my back stopped hurting entirely, but I was left with this left-side butt pain. After listening to me bitch about it for many days, Zach has determined that I’m going to call the doctor’s office about it tomorrow, and I’m bending to his wisdom. I don’t mind hurting, but I’d rather not, and this shit makes it hard to stand up for longer than a few minutes. 

Our cats continue to defy the laws of cat behavior in how well they’re getting along. Shit, I wish Stacy and I could have gotten along this well when we were growing up. As we’d hoped, now that the weather is turning colder, the kitties are turning to each other as a source of warmth. So it’s now not unusual to see them spooning on the sofa. One sleeping kitty, bounded by the embrace of the other kitty. It’s so adorable you could barf, and I know it’s not that unusual, but I’ve never personally seen it among kitties that aren’t siblings. And now that Horta’s healed up from getting her reproductive plumbing removed, they’re back to full-contact tussling with a vengeance. It’s now normal, after a vigorous cat tussle on the bed, for us to find a dozen little tufts of fur that came out while they were play fighting.

So now that Halloween is over, I’m guessing the Christmas season is going to begin in earnest. I think it’s a natural reaction to see the Christmas display in the grocery store or the Wal-Mart and to roll your eyes, and think, “AGAIN with this shit,” but I happen to love it. Due to being unemployed--I’m working like mad to get this screenplay done, but that doesn’t pay anything yet--I’m not going to buy any Christmas decorations this year. I’m just going to use the ones I have on hand, and see if that enforced frugality gives rise to a surge of creative inspiration when using the decorations. Since this is one of those things I choose to care about, I want to turn this metal living tube into a goddamn Christmas wonderland. And I think I can do that, even though I have only a cheap 6-foot tree that looks like it’s starving to death, before I put any decorations on it. 

This will be Horta’s first Christmas, so I expect to find her climbing up the inside of the Christmas tree, once I’ve erected it, to better eat the lights, eat the tinsel garland, and eat the ornaments, specifically to cause Zach and I to panic, and fuck the decorations up when we attempt to surgically yank her from the inside of the Christmas tree. That ought to be fun. I’m going to switch to all LED Christmas lights on the tree this year (I should have enough on hand) because they’re entirely plastic, and my dumb, stupid, adorable kitty won’t be able to use them as an opportunity to consume broken glass. 

I hope you’re well, and I hope you’re enjoying the holidays and the football. Now we begin our Thanksgiving plans! All my love to you both!

[pearloftheorient]

sorry to not be a fandom blog or roleplay blog for a moment. i just feel like i wanna express a bit of a heart-to-heart, just a quick rundown of whatever’s going on and how it all happened from my perspective. i mean i don’t even care if nobody reads this, but as someone who expresses a lot more in writing i feel like i should take this opportunity to help unload, you know?

so the lockdown definitely hit us here on friday the 13th in march, which didn’t feel as bad as it was. as a nurse i’ve had this weird concept that a lot of the common diseases that spread around can easily be blown up by social media (hold that thought for later lol) and i just you know, say you should just wash your hands, it’ll be okay. i mean i tend to take the logical route when it comes to health care?? because that’s what i studied and i feel like i owe it myself not to panic TOO MUCH. plus, my husband (an intellectual) also had the same attitude towards media being exaggerated, so like i’m copying his cool attitude as much as i can. i mean we even went to budapest just a week prior, watched a play, mingled with clusters and clusters of people..... and even though people already started wearing masks, i even make fun of them for wearing it wrong or just being quite excessive and wearing gloves in public (i still don’t like seeing gloves in public and if you’re a health care professional you might feel exactly the same way)....

and then they told me on that friday that all of the training days for the next three weeks that i have worked hard to set up, study for, book on rotas, juggled, invited speakers for (i’m a nurse-educator and i organise staff training as part of my job) are now to be stopped. my staff are now asking me about their learning opportunities, is the course gonna go on, and i feel a bit more responsible to give the correct information but i just don’t know where to get it??

then come monday, it was a whole different story again. since the non-clinical aspect of work has been indefinitely stopped, i am one of the people who had been expected to go back into the clinical area and handle patients (i mean i still do this despite my role, but i now have to do it more often). which was fine because handling patients is my happy place, i feel like it is within my remit, i know exactly what i’m doing most of the time, i have a smaller scale to tackle and that’s gonna ease my brain a bit while the world starts to fall into chaos. i’ve done this for the next few weeks. i did mostly clinical shifts, and just do some admin stuff like once a week?? just so i can keep up with the new developments and properly disseminate information, like what PPE are we gonna have, train people in wearing them, what we actually need to do if we get patients with COVID, crash courses for those who will be redeployed, cancelling and cancelling and cancelling study days and training days and finding multiple alternative ways so people still maintain standards despite not having the face-to-face training....

as a nurse-educator, i also feel like i should always watch the news and be aware of the latest guidelines, what WHO wanted us to do, how am i gonna apply this for my colleagues and the safety of our patients... so i’ve done that on a regular basis, and my brain is just filled with information and i actively help in setting up bedspaces with the initial instructions of what PPE to wear....

and then towards the end of march, people are dying. and the fact that it was building in numbers made it more real. and now i started to question what i already know, if we’re actually doing the right thing, but why do other countries do it differently?? why do other hospitals do it differently?? how come people are still on the street?? decisions from the government and the big execs just fluctuate and this trial and error approach just all of a sudden.....became the new normal. 

and then we’re all like, but we just have to work together - since all of our non-clinical stuff had been on standby then we can just focus on working clinically, doing patient care. and then i was given the instructions to gather nurses from my unit (we deal with neonates - babies - like i personally haven’t got a clue on how adults work anymore as i haven’t handled one for like 15 years) who can be redeployed based on their previous experience. redeployment sometimes is viewed as heroic, like wow you’re brave to work in adults despite your rusty experience just for the sake of helping with the pandemic, that’s Great. and then to some, it is their worst nightmare, being redeployed is like being fish out of water - going back to square one, not knowing exactly what you’re doing (remember how i was so confident doing clinical?? yeah that’s only for neonates). and then the solidarity feel like, yeah but at least you’re not alone? we gonna support you?? you’ll get all the special messages, a round of applause, because you’re doing something so brave. i wasn’t redeployed, but six of my colleagues are - and every time they talk to me about how stressful it was and how scared they were being uncertain all the time and surrounded by death and suffering, i felt responsible for putting them in that position.

and then i started to feel sadder and sadder. but i can’t stop working, i am physically well, i am strong enough and i am a Great addition to the numbers. besides, with all this redeployment, we are also receiving some temporary replacements who simply had no idea how neonates work! (it’s like a full exchange programme but with little training) and it is my responsibility to make sure they are trained (i mean look, we all did LONG ASS courses to reach where we are in terms of knowledge, months and months of clinical exposure to the area to gain experience, but now i’m asked to train all of them for just ONE DAY.) and so after training, i’m like this mother duck chasing all the ducklings making sure nobody goes astray. so that was the first two weeks of my april.

it’s also when i decided to stop watching the news or looking at social media about the virus because i have enough stress going on, and i don’t wanna like sound so depressed whenever i’m teaching this new people that are coming to us. i have to be open and warm and welcoming and maintain a cheery attitude despite my patience running so infinitesimally thin. i’ve always been known for my calmness and patience. i may be an anxious bean but i’m quite good in not letting it show in my handiwork.

so i know that’s been stressful - but the good things, i am definitely thankful for. people stepping up, working hard and together with less animosity. the free food was overflowing, i don’t even have to bring lunch at work anymore because there’s always something, even fresh produce because tbh everything hurt after a hard day’s work that you can’t even go grocery shopping :p we had this really posh resto that gave us free breakfast every single day and normally in this resto you like have to make reservations at least 6months before to be worthy lol. despite the back and forth decision making, we do have the right equipment to do our work, and with the virus not usually affecting the little ones, we are not heaving as much in terms of the amount of patients. and just the love, the supportive messages, the rainbow drawings, the applause - i mean just wow.

i guess the more i’m fueled to work harder. and the fact that i get to keep my job when a lot of people had been furloughed or lost theirs, i just feel i have to make it count and continue helping in ways i know how.

i have just trained the last two nurses to come (so far) when i got called that my husband got sent home because he got ill. and he is a nurse too, looking after adult patients with covid so he is getting far more exposure than me.

by protocol, i am automatically self-isolated because of him. and so for the last week of april, we are on a full lockdown, with him on a sickbed and me trying to “work from home”

i am working from home and my colleagues continue to ask me questions about work, i write guidelines, mark essays, basically all the admin stuff i’ve stopped doing because i have been pulled into clinical numbers. i constantly dreaded how my husband will be - knowing the scary stories about how the virus treated some people and the rising number of deaths, especially among frontliners. he was fine and got better, thankfully. and then i fell ill that very weekend - and i became a full dramatic binch for a week because my fever and muscle weakness definitely prevented me from doing anything productive. (this is when i binge-watched the untamed lol)

but then we both got tested and we’re both negative lol. whatever the fuck that was surely knocked us down but thankfully it wasn’t covid WHICH MEANS we should go back to work sooner rather than later. yay. we’ve been off for a total of 10 days.

and then i returned to work last week, and i felt so exhausted. apparently it was a common theme from those who had symptoms or had self-isolated (even though i am negative) and i just felt like those 10 days despite spending them mostly in bed, i felt like i ran a marathon that entire time and now i’m paying the price.

i still feel tired now after 4 days of work, and i haven’t even been clinical (they gave me the benefit of the doubt that it might be FALSE NEGATIVE) so i haven’t handled patients YET and instead focused on my admin work - which welcomed with its spiky arms fuck that shit we just had the most dramatic cases at work that i had to deal with, and that’s not even covid-related. and so my brain was also like scraped to the core lol

so anyway, yeah i guess that got long.

i mean i still haven’t talked about what’s happening in the background at this point, like my family (they are okay! thankfully. and my mom is very paranoid which means they are always taking care of themselves lol), the government in where i live and where my family lives (lotsa fucked up things happening right now out there too, dammit i’m so sorry philippines), and all my future plans for 2020 that have now been shitted on by this virus, but let’s not get overly dramatic now.

idk i just feel like pouring stuff out because apparently that’s healthy for you.

stay safe. wash your hands. stay at home if you can. frontliners - and i’m just not talking about my fellow nurses - TAKE CARE AND STAY STRONG. AND THANK YOU. but don’t be an extra hero. wear PPE when you come face-to-face with potential risks. take breaks. know where to draw the line.

[xiaomomowrites]

Affection [Oneshot]

100 prompts: Cuddle Attack on Titan | Eremika

Summary: Mikasa notices, Eren gets really affectionate when he's really tired. When he falls asleep on her, again, she freezes, eyes wide as Armin raises an eyebrow at their compromising position. Eren was blatantly cuddling her in public.

Find this story on AO3 and Fanfiction! [levi-nii-san | ampalayeah]

A/N: Oh man, so they dropped chapter 118 and you best believe I lost my shit haha. The plot thickens! Have some sleepy Eren to help you cope, maybe. And leave me some feedback! I always appreciate it! This is set after chapter 50~

-

Mikasa notices, Eren gets really affectionate when he's really tired.

The first time she noticed, she thought nothing of it. Though it wasn’t necessarily normal, it didn’t seem too out of the blue. She sat, reading an updated manual on her gear in the kitchen, as required by their captain this morning. Her eyebrows met in the middle as she tried to understand what the point even was of reading this nonsense, if she already knew her equipment inside and out just from hands-on experience.

She was starting to suspect that Levi was just keeping her off of her feet while her ribs healed, since she got busted for working out the other day.

But since Armin has had his nose in his book all morning across from her at the table, she assumed it might be worth her time.

Eren had his book half open on the table in front of him, but he had fallen asleep beside her; his cheek was pressed up against her arm while his hand rested gently on her thigh. The slouch in his posture could not possibly have been comfortable, but the way his face looked so relaxed indicated otherwise. She dismissed it, thinking he was just tired.

This last week has been rough for him and everyone knew that he very much had trouble sleeping at night. The experiments and training that Eren had been tirelessly working on with Levi regarding his Titan’s hardening ability had absolutely taken a physical toll on him. On top of that, some nights he would just wake up in a panic, blaming it on the stress of feeling like a failure, flashbacks playing so vividly in his sleep.

“It’s fine,” he would dismiss it when Armin and Mikasa tell him the next day that those bags under his eyes look like they could pack enough shit for all three of them. “Once I figure it out, I’ll be fine.”

Except he wasn’t, and it showed when he would fall asleep randomly during the day like this.

It started off innocently (after all, this isn’t the first time he’s ever fallen asleep beside her). She assumed that since she was the closest thing around, it made sense to use her as a cushion as opposed to the hard wooden furniture that decorated the entire cabin. Mikasa noticed his breathing slow steadily; the quiet rhythm of his breaths somehow synched with hers as she found it harder to focus on her reading.

As soon as he crossed over into deeper sleep, Eren shifted: he moved his head from the side of her arm up onto her shoulder in a rather affectionate manner, so that she felt his warm breath on her neck. Since there was nothing to support him from behind, the only way to balance himself was his arm now wrapped around her midsection as his whole weight rested on her.

The young soldier froze, eyes wide as Armin raised an eyebrow at their compromising position. Eren was blatantly cuddling her in public.

“You okay?” Armin asks, looking up at them.

“Uh,” Mikasa steadied herself with her elbows on the table, the book in her hands now completely forgotten. She shot Armin a pleading look, and he almost chuckled at the panic in her face.

“Just tell him to move.”

“Mmm...but he looks so comfortable,” she lifts her arm slightly and his eyebrows knitted together slightly at her movement. “I know he hasn’t been sleeping well, I don’t want to wake him.”

Armin shrugs in agreement, “I suppose so. Suit yourself then.”

Mikasa clears her throat awkwardly, shifting ever so slightly to get more comfortable (since she now had to be comfortable enough for the both of them) as she attempted to put her focus back on her homework.

But when her efforts seemed futile, she sighed in defeat.

She turned her head slightly to see the peace that decorated his features. He moved again a little his hand found  its way into her untucked shirt and she gasped as his grip tightened slightly around her waist.

Across the table, Armin tried not to laugh.

Mikasa considered calling his name to wake him up; it seemed more practical and comfortable to sleep on a bed. He seemed so weirdly comfortable as it is, however, and there was no denying that part of her enjoyed this. So she decided against it.

And she would have been fine too if it weren’t for the intense thumping in her chest that distracted her from reading. He shifted one more time to press himself even closer to her (if that was even possible, at least she didn’t think so) and warmth surged through both of them. The last time he even let himself get this close to her was back when they were kids plagued by nightmares and thunderstorms. But after joining the military, there just weren't opportunities to be this proximate. And she honestly thought they had outgrown this need to be so attached at the hip.

In reality, Mikasa was more confused than she cared to admit. To be fair, the situation would have probably been confusing to anyone, even Armin, for it seemed as though Eren was only this touchy when he was tired or asleep.

At least, that was her theory.

The second time she noticed it, she was cleaning her gear, as Levi had assigned to be the chore for the morning. The young Ackerman sat on the floor, her tools scattered in front of her as she was intent on finishing this before lunch. It wasn’t too difficult of a chore, but it required taking some things apart to clean before assembling it back together. It was supposed to be, as the captain had so eloquently explained, ‘a task to both clean their shit and teach them about the mechanics of it’.

It should have been an easy task, more or less, until Eren had fallen asleep beside her again. She vaguely remembered him mentioning at breakfast how his lack of sleep could be blamed on another shitty nightmare and anxious thoughts last night. Mikasa knew better than to pry any further if that’s all he wished to say about it. Besides, it would give her another opportunity to gather data for her hypothesis.

What she didn’t expect was for him to knowingly fall asleep in the middle of their chores, when he knew Levi could come in at any given moment.

Yet, the next thing she knows, his head is in her lap and he’s cuddled up to her again. She is wary, for neglecting two chores in a row would probably piss Levi off exponentially this time. Eren had an excuse, she didn’t.

Mikasa extends her leg and he groans a little, irritated. She stifled a giggle at how childish he seemed, but nevertheless attempts to wake him up carefully.

“Eren?” she asked softly.

“Hmmm,” he moaned gently in response, his voice was deep and husky when he spoke, “stop moving, Mikasa.”

As Mikasa’s heart drops down into her stomach and she felt all symptoms of fight or flight take action, she realized that he indeed knew it was her whom he was being so affectionate with. She immediately ceases all movement and he relaxes, wrapping an arm around her upper thigh to get more comfortable.

With her heart pounding recklessly in her chest accompanied by a heat that settled in the pit of her stomach, she decides to let him sleep instead as she finishes her task at hand. Nevermind the leg he was holding onto, it wasn't necessary for the chore.

Eren seemed much more lively after he woke up, as if that short nap had been all he needed to power through the rest of his chores. Mikasa sat beside him after lunch as it was his turn to clean his ODM gear.

She watched him intently work his way through taking it apart effortlessly. If she didn't know any better, his body language implied that he was indifferent to her presence. Yet, he seemed content with her company.

Although the two had the gift of understanding each other without words, sometimes it was hard to tell with Eren. A whole storm of emotions and thoughts were stirring up inside of her as she resolved to test another theory this afternoon.

“When did you do this?” he asked out of nowhere, his gaze still set on the gear in front of him.

“This morning,” she answers simply, fully aware of the erratic patterns of her heart as she scooted closer to him on the bench. Eren didn’t flinch. "When you took a nap."

"Oh," he nods approvingly, "that was a good nap."

"Was it?"

He glanced up at her from his equipment, a little bewildered. Perhaps she was just trying to make conversation. He smiled a small smile at her, "Yeah. I feel more well rested."

Mikasa couldn't fight the smile threatening to show on her face, "That's good then. Levi won't say it but he's been a little worried about you."

At that, Eren scoffed, "Sure. What else did he need us to do today?”

“Just clean, I’m sure.”

“Ah,” he nods in confirmation. “Are you off the hook then, or…?”

“I finished already,” she told him. “He didn't say anything else.”

“Hm,” he hums in response, before Mikasa takes a deep breath and boldly puts her theory to test. He was being quite amicable right now, there might not be a better time. She was already close enough to him and he hadn’t moved from her, so she gently leans over and rests her head on his shoulder.

At first, Eren tensed immensely, and had she been watching his expression, she would have seen a cute and rather prominent blush adorn his cheeks and spread up to his ears. He felt warm all over, and her faint scent intoxicated him at her proximity. He inhaled, attempting to relax his heart rate that had skyrocketed at her actions.

She smelled like soap. Or perhaps it was perfume? It reminded him vaguely of those bath and candle stores his mother used to visit with them back then. Suddenly his heart felt lighter, and the ugly thoughts that kept him up at night and pestered him during the day were nowhere to be found. The temptation to just pick her up and take her back to bed to sleep in close proximity for the rest of the day was so strong.

He wondered how he would be able to sleep tonight without this.

When Eren came to his senses, he shrugged her off, doing his best to sound annoyed.

“Mikasa, come on,” he snaps gently, afraid to upset her, “I’m busy and people will see.”

The girl in question sat up, confused and flustered, and muttered a quick apology before standing up altogether. She wasn’t sure where she was going, she just needed to get out of there.

“Where are you going?” he asked, as soon as he felt the warmth of her closeness disappear. Remorse decorated his voice, and he wondered how much of an idiot he would look like if he called her back and confessed what he was truly feeling, just so she wouldn't go away. But Mikasa didn't notice his inner turmoil over her own embarrassment.

“Ah, to clean.”

“You said you already-”

“I’m sure Levi will have something,” she mumbled in a hurry, and almost missed the look of disappointment in his face if she had left any sooner.

Mikasa had disregarded her theory for the rest of the week, the embarrassment of her bold advancements still haunting her and keeping her from trying to figure out what it was with Eren being so tired around her.

After that last incident, she had spent another five minutes spiraling in her thoughts and theories before deciding it was futile. Maybe there were just some things about her best friend that she couldn't decipher, and that's probably okay.

Eren had fallen asleep on her two more times in that time, in which Mikasa did her best to not nurse the need to know what was up. Especially since each time it was still inconclusive; if anything it only managed to confuse and fluster the poor girl. But this distraction followed her even into training with Levi, causing her to twist her own ankle in the middle of a late-night sparring match.

“Hm, looks like we’re even,” the corporal teases as he bends down to examine her injury. She scowls up at him, but is far too tired and doesn’t have the will to make a snappy retort. What he said next caught her completely off guard. "What's on your mind, kid?"

"Hmm?" The younger Ackerman looks up at him from the ground, clearly not expecting the captain to notice something was up, let alone confront the issue. His eyes looked the same, but there was a softness to it as he crouched down to her level.

"Your mind is somewhere else." Levi states bluntly, as he hands her a pack of ice.

"Oh, uh, right, I just...um…"

"Is it about that idiot?"

Mikasa sank back, unable to make an excuse before muttering a pathetic, "yes."

Levi chuckled, and Mikasa tried to fight the smile on her face. "Don't think too much about it, he probably doesn't even know what's going on either."

It was vague, but Mikasa had a feeling the corporal had an idea what was going on. He just seemed to get it.

"I suppose," she resigns, accepting his hand to help her up. "Thank you."

"Yeah," Levi reaches up to pat her on the head. "Now get some rest. And stop over thinking."

Mikasa gracefully limps back to her quarters, aggravated as ever at being incapacitated yet again, when she spots Eren fumbling with the doorknob to her room.

“Eren?”

“Mmm,” he looks at her, eyes half lidded, leaning lazily on the doorframe. She realizes he’s either sleep walking, or he had gotten up, half asleep, (perhaps to use the restroom) and instead hobbled over to her room unconsciously afterward. Eren steps aside for her to open the door and then follows her in, dazed, as sleep had a confusing hold on him.

She sets the pack of ice beside her bed and tosses her scarf and jacket messily onto the bedside table. Meanwhile, her guest waited patiently for her to finish dressing down. Groaning from exhaustion, pain, and irritation, Mikasa kicks off her boots before turning to face her childhood friend. “It’s late, Eren, go to bed.”

“Yeah,” is all he says, before tackling Mikasa down onto the bed with him ungracefully. She gasped in surprise as he wiggles around to make himself comfortable around her, their limbs eventually tangled in a mess.

Eren eventually settles down, silence and peace overtaking the atmosphere. All except for her increased heart rate that she could feel up in her ears. But even as Mikasa’s head was spinning with confusion and she was so sure her ears were a bright vermillion red (the color of sheer embarrassment), she also felt oddly at peace. Despite the dead weight of his limbs resting heavily over her slim frame, and her two recovering injuries, she felt so warm and soft. It was an inexplicable comforting feeling.

He moves once more, burying his face into her shoulder and mumbles something that sounds vaguely like “g’night, m'ksa, love you.”

It takes her an hour to fall asleep that night.

-

Frustrating.

At the end of the week Mikasa decides to leave it at that, concluding that though Eren is maddeningly inconsistent and wildly confusing, that’s just how he is.

When she woke up that morning he was already out of bed. A cold, empty feeling threatened at her chest despite understanding that she had slept in and he couldn't afford to do the same without an excuse. It wasn’t (shouldn’t be) anything personal...right?

The young soldier sat up ungracefully, grimacing as she is painfully reminded of her injuries. All that doesn't matter though when she notices a new ice pack sitting beside her neatly folded scarf and jacket. Only then did she also notice how the side of the bed he had slept on was smoothed down and the blanket that she was sure was a mess from all the moving last night was neatly draped over her figure.

Her cheeks felt warm all of a sudden, but she figured it would be presumptuous to assume...

She finds him sitting on the floor of the kitchen at noon beside Armin, after the squad had finished cleaning for the morning. He was leaning against the wall, just watching the rest of their team goof off around before lunch. Mikasa takes her cleaning bandana off and sits beside him, carefully giving enough space in case he gets all weird about their proximity in public again.

“Hey,” he greets her.

“Hi.” She glances over to him, noting how relatively perky he looked today.

"You look like you slept well,” she comments without thinking.

"I did," is all he says, and she looks away after noticing the way the corner of his mouth turned up into a small smile. Or maybe she was imagining it.

Eren looks over to Mikasa and his expression softened when he noticed how tense she was. Her shoulders were stiff and the way she was sitting could not possibly be comfortable. Her eyes seemed drained, and though she looked content to finally be beside him after a long morning, she definitely looked exhausted.

Mikasa had gotten enough sleep, she told herself. Or maybe not, it was hard to tell. Perhaps it was more mentally exhausting having to entertain the (unwanted?) thoughts of Eren's warm figure pressed up against her all night as she worked through her chores. If it weren't for the way her heart rate skyrocketed every time he moved against her, she thought, it definitely could be something she could get used to. Besides, that was probably the best sleep she’s had in a while.

At the end of the day, the most frustrating part of it was that she still wasn't any closer to figuring him out. Should she ever get used to his sleepy affection, it would be absolutely tormenting to have to deal with withdrawal if it ever stopped. Especially since all this was happening without any explanation whatsoever.

The shifter sighed, a twinge of guilt tugging at his conscience. He knew what was up.

"Did you not?"

"What?" Her gaze snapped to him after being yanked out of her spiraling thoughts.

"Did you not sleep well?" The object of her affection repeated slowly.

"I did," she told him easily,  smiling at him. But he wasn't buying it.

"Mikasa," he warns.

The girl in question wrinkled her nose, clearly not used to being put in the spotlight by him like this. "I just...my injuries were making it hard to fall asleep I think."

Eren looked at her, guilty. "I'm sorry. I know I move around a lot when I sleep."

She looks up at him again, surprised that he would even bring it up at all. She was under the impression that he just pretended it didn't happen every time. Maybe she was onto something after all.

This time her smile was genuinely, "it's fine, Eren."

He stares at her for a minute, a plethora of emotions fighting their way for a place in his heart.

“Come here,” he commands gently. For a moment she just looks at him, confused, as he looks like he’d really rather not say it again. “Mikasa,” he calls her name instead, snapping her out of her thoughts, and extends his arm to her, inviting her into his bubble.

She looks at him weirdly at first. Nevertheless, she leans closer slowly until he puts an arm lazily around her shoulder and pulls her in to close the rest of the distance between them. She immediately relaxes, and for the first time in a long time, the two seem genuinely and completely at peace.

Eren rubs her arm affectionately, and she nuzzles up to him, eyes closing on their own accord. He presses a kiss to the top of her head, both of them blissfully unaware if anyone else was watching.

“Thank you,” he tells her.

“What for?”

“For everything,” he says vaguely, and watches as that doesn’t quite satisfy her curiosity. "It's been hard to sleep lately, what with everything that's happened."

"You haven't given it enough time."

"I know, but it's not like we're given that much of a luxury. I don't even know how long we'll be here. I can't just stop to grieve."

Mikasa hums in response, prompting him to control the conversation. He hasn't opened up like this in a long time, but with both of his best friends on either side of him, in the midst of a relaxed day, it just seemed like a good time.

"The nightmares keep me up at night, they're so fresh. Of all our losses, of Hannes...of almost losing you…"

She reaches forward to rest a hand on his thigh reassuringly. "It's alright. I'm here."

"I know. I know, I know." his voice sounds shaky. "I just...I hated seeing it the first time, and it sucked just as much seeing it replay over and over again, especially in my sleep where I had no control over my asshole of a subconscious. Some nights I just didn't want to sleep. But when you were close by, whenever I was on the verge of sleep, just...being so close to you let me submit. It felt okay."

They sat in a comfortable silence for another minute before he quickly adds, "sorry."

"You don't need to apologize," she reassures, finally at peace within herself. It was completely a surprise to get this closure, let alone to know that the real reason for his odd behavior was because of all the comfort he found with her.

"Thank you, Mikasa." He says gently, before turning his attention back to Sasha and Connie arguing over a ladle.

“Hmmm,” she hums, fully content, feeling sleep slowly take over her. A nap before lunch in his arms sounded fantastic. "You’re welcome.”

[haninabaninah]

What Depression and Anxiety Is Like For Me

Up until now, only my close friends and family know about my mental illness. I rarely tell anyone, because to be honest, even I still have that stigma on myself. (Confession time: I always have second thoughts putting it in forms for job requirements, but I do end up putting it in anyway. I always put in the year 2017-2018 I "officially" had it. Well it seems like it’s “back.”)

***skip this part if you don't want my background story***

In 2017, I went to the psychiatrist (after on and off years of symptoms, I guess) and I was diagnosed with depression. I was given a prescription for half-dose of anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I felt better after quitting my job, moving back home, moving on from my past relationship, and being busy with activities I’ve always wanted to do (theater classes, music lessons, joining an Aquathlon, travelling). I went back to the doctor (finally with my mother), and said I was feeling better and had stopped drinking my medicine. I moved to Australia and struggled on my first months there. I was jobless, financially tight, and was undergoing spiritual studies & discipline where we were digging my problematic behavior and root issues. (It was a painful and difficult process but I learned a lot.) My stay in Australia has been generally encouraging after that, having a strong spiritual ministry, a great job/company, deeper and spurring friendships, but there were still mental health struggles here and there. I struggled a bit more during my last months there being jobless. Moving back to Philippines was a huge change - as explained in my other blog entry. And the pandemic issue and the lockdown has definitely triggered a more difficult situation for me.

***background part ends***

This is how it has been manifesting in me:

Confused thoughts - There is a lot of noise in my head. I always described it like the TV screen static noise showing the black and white pixels, or more accurately, chaotic squiggly lines.

Difficulty in focusing - In general, it’s actually difficult for me to focus on anything (for some reason, this is except when I’m working on formulas on Excel). I get distracted easily, I jump from topic to topic in my head. (Also, whenever I think of things, I feel like I have to instantly do something - like open a tab about it in my browser. Then I forget what I was actually supposed to do that time.) Writing this was very hard because I keep jumping points, I keep shifting to tabs to whatever comes up as a topic in my head, especially whenever I feel difficulty in doing the next task at hand.

Broken heart - It can be both a physical pain in the chest and an emotional feeling - often described as feeling burdened, or feeling like something is heavy. Sometimes it includes the feeling of wanting to cry to let go.

Desire to drown the noise by consumption - When I feel heartbroken or my mind is noisy, I tend to really want to drown it by watching things on Youtube/Netflix, scrolling on Facebook (or anything - with no goal), or even listening to music.

Avoidance - Naturally, I would avoid things that stress me out or things that make me feel guilty or anxious, even if they are things I actually need to face. I would avoid thinking about anything related to work, I would avoid watching the news about the pandemic, sometimes, I would even avoid spiritual help articles. Sometimes I would just go numb and stop caring about anything from reality.

Constant stress / nervousness - Some days, especially in this pandemic, I would feel like I am always on my toes/ always on high alert.

At one point in my life, anxiety manifested as difficulty in breathing, a constant pain and something “blocking” my chest. That time, I actually thought I had a lung problem, so I went to the doctor and he said it was probably anxiety. It went away after a few days.

When I was young, stress and crying would often lead me to hyperventilate - extreme difficulty in breathing, tingling, cold and frozen hands and feet, cold sweat, dizziness

At many points in my life, I felt like life was such a chore, and it’s such a burden to live. I would often wish I just disappeared suddenly. A lot of times I will say to myself “I want to die,” but I didn’t actually want to die, because I didn’t want to die faithless. I wanted to die happy - but it wasn’t happening.

Generally, my mental health has not affected my work ethic in corporate jobs. In the past, however, my corporate job has affected me. I would give and work hard, but I found that other areas of my life suffered instead. I have learned from my friends to not take my job personally - a job is just a job. I was lucky to work for a great company in Australia, with a great team, so despite all the pressure, we worked together and I barely had emotional struggles that were work-related.

Recently, I have been feeling easily triggered by random things into stress. I get a bad reaction when I hear about family business. I also got this sort of panic when our family business was in a difficult time, and whenever I heard my family talking about it, I would shut my ears from the topic.

I have always just tolerated all of these feelings, except when I break down and cry. It’s only recently that I have learned to actively share my feelings to other people and to face the issue head on - work on it, process and rationalize, seek counselling, etc. Even now, there are only really few people I am actually able to open up to about it.

[thepatchworkcrow]

The Friday prompt for this week’s @2019grimoirecchallenge deals with replenishing energy and, I’ve been chewing over how to write this post all week... mostly because I can’t find a lot of good literature on the topic, just a lot of “How to Get Rid of Energy Vampries” articles and stuff tied to the actual vampire subculture, which I really don’t want to attempt to speak for. That said, I’m going to wing it.

So first off, what IS an energy vampire? Simply put, it’s someone who feeds off the energy (be it psychic, emotional, sexual, etc. etc.) of others. People who are energy vampires do this for a number of reasons, a lot of the things you’ll see are about people who unconsciously do so. There might be some manner of mental or physical health issue that causes them to sort of latch on to other people’s energy. They might just be low-energy naturally. It might be something that is a passing phase in someone’s life. Others might do it intentionally, whether that be for malicious intent, because they have a consensual relationship with whomever they’re sharing energy with, because they are part of the aforementioned vampire subculture... The reasoning can be sort of endless.

How do you know that you ARE an energy vampire? Well, let me put it this way. Do you feel lethargic and low energy when not around other people? Do you catch yourself coming back to yourself, your experiences, your problems, etc. while talking to people, or have others pointed out that you tend to do this? Do people around you seem irritated, tired, on edge, etc. after you’ve spent time with them but you feel fantastic? Do you often feel kinda ‘blah’ and empty for long periods of time, but spend a few hours somewhere crowded or in a natural place with a lot of energy, and you suddenly have new life? Do you get restless to go places, just to be around other people, whether you’re interacting with them or not? Do you get caught in these self-victimizing, “woe is me” thought patterns? Then, chances are you might have some psychic vampire tendencies.

This can also be something brought about by psychic burnout. Symptoms vary, but can result in: migraines, light sensitivity, body aches, disorientation, etc. And I’m not talking about just the few hours after a particularly large working, I’m speaking something that lasts days.

Okay, so maybe I’m an energy vampire, what do? First of all, don’t panic over it. I’ve seen, in scrolling the internet trying to write this piece, seen some meditations that try to “cure” energy vampirism, telling you that you’re “awful for being a drain on your friends and family, and that you should just...stop doing that damn it.” And it just feels... toxic (which feels ironic given some of the super “love and light” fluffy websites I found these on, but I digress). SO, I’m going to try to give some helpful advice...

Regarding “recharging” because you can’t solve the issue while you’re feeling low/crappy: So. I absolutely do not advocate just taking energy from people without asking. If you’re going to share energy with someone (via whatever method you choose: physical touch, visualization, intimacy, charging an object and using said object, whatever) always always always ask first. Things I’ve noticed that have helped me personally are: holding crystals that have been charging on my altar (or lighting a candle and spending time in front of my altar reaching out to my gods for that matter), going out and connecting with a tree or other part of nature, or getting out of the house or whatever scenery you’ve been in and getting something to eat somewhere. 

In the first few instances, you’re recharging with pools of energy that have developed because of your constant use of the spaces and the energy/spirits that you contact there. Obviously, harms no one, yeah? Going somewhere out in nature also doesn’t drain other people though you should still ask trees and plants before you just go taking energy from them too. But they’re a lot more... sturdy than other people, usually, and I think this is a pretty low-impact way to recharge. You might even draw upon energy from the sun or moon too. 

Now, going and getting food and eating somewhere where other people around allows you, for one, to get some nutrients in your body, increase your blood sugar, and such; but also allows you to sort of tap into what is usually referred to as “ambient energy,” that is, the energy of lots of people bustling about and going about their business. This is not drawing upon the energy of the people around you, but rather the energy of the PLACE you are in that is generated by their presence. This is important, because just drawing on other people you don’t know is shady and immoral. 

My method for dealing with ambient energy is usually to find somewhere comfy to sit- if it’s by a window so I can soak up some sunlight energy all the better. I take a deep breath, maybe a couple bites of whatever delicious thing I’ve gotten, and then ground and center as best as I’m able. Then I focus on the energy of the place: is it buzzy and like TV static? Like waves that seem to ebb and flow? Then, kind of like I visualize energy from the earth or the sun flowing into my own during grounding and centering, I visualize whatever energy is around me doing the same until I feel like I at least have enough spoons to carry on with my day.

SLEEP is also something that helps a lot with this. After doing something that will help raise your energy a bit, nap if you can, because the body and your energy does replenish after sleep.

BUT, I’m not gonna stop there and I’m gonna give ya advice for not being the stereotypical psychic vampire. So, the biggest thing I think is to get to a place where you’re not feeling bogged down and energetically low yourself first. It’s a lot easier to get going on the rest of this work when you’re not running on E. 

After that, though, I really want to emphasize taking time to identify what triggers this behavior in yourself. For me, it seems to flare up in times of stress, and is usually hand in hand with my depression episodes. I am cognizant of this, and can work to minimize the things that trigger the stress and anxiety. In my life, this has meant more careful planning, making sure I’m communicating my plans and feelings to the people I’m around so that if/when things go wrong I either have a plan B, or I’m not blindsided by it -which makes me less anxious; ya see where I’m going here? A big thing for me was also learning to drive, which makes me anxious, but makes me less reliant on other people, and will give me more freedom and control over my life in the long-term.

Another thing you’ll want to do (and this takes time but as long as you make an effort, I think that counts for something) is try to be aware of how you speak to other people and really listen to them if they tell you you’re being negative / toxic. Sometimes, my humor comes across as flippant and harsh. Sometimes I chuckle about a brainfart and then am compelled to correct them which can be hurtful and grating. I, like many, hear someone’s story, and will often jump in with my own example from my life. But by trying to take time and JUST listen to people’s stories, and stopping myself from adding my anecdote, or apologizing when I realize that I’ve come off as mean and judgmental, I work towards being less of a psychic vampire to the people I’m in contact with. Exercises in mindfulness and positive thinking can really work wonders in this case.

And finally, take care of your health! Go to see a therapist if you’re able. Make sure you’re taking care of your hygiene. Eat things that are healthy and nutritious. Keep your living environment clean. You would be surprised how much those things help!

So! That’s my little spiel. I am hoping this can help people who realize they’re draining to others recharge and maybe work towards becoming... less draining/drained themselves. And I’m hoping it’s less... cringe inducing than some of the other things floating around.

/|\ Rachel

[darkouter]

barty headcanon & general meta:  surviving the imperius curse

personals don’t reblog!  if mutuals think this is interesting enough to apply to their muses who have been put under the imperius curse before, feel free to tho.

ANYWAYS, time to talk about the implications of being controlled by someone completely for long periods of time!  let’s have a psych student ramble about the symptoms of trauma that survivors of the imperius curse are likely to face.  in fact, to tie this to cecil’s psychiatric health practice that he opens up on the wizarding side of london, i’d like to think that barty in his care leads to him forming this draft of criteria for a disorder that is closely linked to that of ptsd, but specific to those who are put under the imperius curse.

quick note:  i take heavy inspiration from netflix’s jessica jones series when it comes to how mind control works, as i already have an extensive concept built around it for my kilgrave rp blog, and you’ll see that influence throughout this post if you’re familiar with the series (if you expected me to not bring mr. eggplant emoji into this, you’re a foole, as he taints everything that i do and is a pervasive parasite to my very soul).  poison ivy, too, provides some direction for this.

first:  what does it look and feel like to be under the imperius curse?

what we know:  it is pleasant to be under at the time, possible (but hard) to overcome through sheer force of will, it can last for an indefinite amount of time, harry could successfully perform the curse on the fly without having practiced on anyone ever before, and j.k. bowling ball really should have defined it more so i wouldn’t have to write this post.

i think there are three main factors that inform how someone feels, thinks, and acts under the curse:  1.) how much autonomy the spellcaster allows them,  2.) how adept the spellcaster is at the curse, and  3.) the will of the person being controlled.  each of these may impact how lucid the cursed individual is/acts.

generally speaking, victims do not find the experience to be unpleasant for the duration of the spell.  in fact, it is usually calming and enjoyable.  victims are free of stress and responsibility due to lack of control, and it’s akin to being heavily sedated.  so.  imagine being incredibly high, and that’s how thought patterns and emotions are affected.  this may be disrupted when there is a trigger of some sort that causes a victim to fight.  an example is extreme cognitive dissonance, such as in situations where the victim is so severely against performing an ordered action that they begin to fight against it.  at that point, they may become confused and upset due to conflicting desires.  the curse doesn’t simply make people do things, but it makes people feel that they want to do those things, so the artificial desire battling with real desire will cause internal distress and debate over what to do.  the caster’s ability will compete with the will of the cursed in this instance.  

casters may gain better control by actively engaging with the individual in close proximity, using their wand, and only separating for short amounts of time.  on the other hand, the cursed may have a better chance at fighting if there is distance, lack of engagement, and long intervals of separation.  the spell is liable to lose its strength over a period of time away, where it is not maintained.  i like to kind of think of the spell having a battery life:  maintaining strength when the caster is nearby, charged / being refreshed when the cursed is engaged with through use of wand, and draining at other times.  a strong will fighting, particularly if due to an outside stimulus’ influence, drains it much faster.

barty remained under control of crouch sr. during his absences, but the dark mark’s appearance and death eaters showing up at the quidditch world cup was enough of an emotional trigger to give him the desire for freedom to act.  crouch sr. was not in his presence to strengthen the spell, so he broke out of the curse.  however, after being stupefied and taken home, he went back under.  the imperius curse’s influence is something that is an active, ongoing mental battle.  with crouch sr. back in his presence and without the same motivation inspired by the dark mark, barty could not overcome it.  he had to be freed by tom.

now, the curse lasts indefinitely if it is maintained well enough.  so how do people operate when they are not actively being given orders?  how much autonomy do they have?  all of those three factors would have to affect this.  the cursed may have more autonomy if the caster gave it, if they are not competent enough with the spell to maintain control that is complex and involves the ability to set rules, and/or if the cursed has a strong enough sense of self for their personality and instinct to show through.

when harry used the imperius curse, the man he cursed (i’m not looking it up, it was some guy during deathly hallows when they broke into gringott’s) had to be given constant orders to operate.  when harry wasn’t actively making him do something, he would look mindless.  harry had to constantly be cognizant of him if he had wanted the curse to seem natural because he was not good enough at the spell to balance how much control the man had over himself.  people who are not good at the spell may have something like this happen, with someone becoming a total zombie, or with the opposite occurring, the cursed are too autonomous (think of playing a video game character normally versus the sims; both need to be actively piloted/monitored for different reasons).

crouch sr. was skilled in his use of the imperius curse, and he established specific rules that served to keep barty isolated but did not otherwise cause friction with anything unnecessary, which allowed him to operate somewhat normally.  he was still dazed and would not have been able to pass as someone who was not under the curse, but crouch didn’t need barty to fool anyone because the entire purpose of the curse was to hide him away entirely.  their house elf winky helped him function where barty needed it.  barty didn’t have a strong enough sense of self nor the will to break free under normal circumstances, as these are large flaws that have always been part of his personality.  there have been times where the curse broke by accident of some kind or because something prompted barty to will it, but learned helplessness caused him to not actually do anything about it.  with regulus gone, tom fallen from power and disappeared, his mother dead, his friends turned on him after the trial, the last loyal death eaters imprisoned, and him supposed to be imprisoned/dead, there was nothing for barty.  even during the few times he managed to gain his freedom from the curse, he didn’t actually have any freedom.  there was nowhere to go, no one to turn to, and not much of a life worth living.  frankly, being back in control of himself would allow his severe depression to come forward, so the imperius curse was preferable.  at least he would be content under it.

second:  what happens after escaping the curse?  what are its lasting effects?

there are a lot of potential issues, but some concepts i think are important:  i feel like people would struggle with their sense of self, trust in their own judgement, and feel the need to make sure they don't feel that loss of control ever again.

immediately upon coming out of the curse, people are likely to be in a fugue state or otherwise very confused.  decision making may not feel natural.  they may dissociate, as they have not had full control, may feel like they still don’t have it, and the entire ordeal may have felt like an out of body experience.  being thrust back into their own body may feel unreal, and they might suffer from depersonalization (feeling that they themself are not real) or derealization (feeling that the world around them is not real).  

they might have permanent cognitive side effects from being in a dream-like, trance state for so long (where the above symptoms become chronic).  they may have to deal with wondering how much of what they did was themselves and what was the imperius curse.  there may be feelings of guilt and general self-blaming for their behavior, for not having enough will (i.e. in their minds, being too weak) to break free, or for being caught in the first place.  they may feel violated, used, or dirty.  maybe sometimes wonder if they ever actually got out from the curse, wonder if they can trust themselves to make decisions.  deal with paranoia that they might be trapped or controlled, whether by means of being cursed again or even just in other, more subtle ways (like socially, wanting to avoid ever feeling obligated to do things for other people; physically/magically, wanting to be able to fight; emotionally/mentally, not wanting to be made to feel weak).  they could possibly become hypervigilant and anxious and/or depressed.  some may have memory issues, whether amnesia surrounding time under the curse or problems organizing timelines in chronological order.  in general, organized thought may be impaired to some degree.  it may be hard to form interpersonal relationships due to lack of trust, feeling misunderstood, insecure, and wanting to self-isolate.

the trauma is unique to the individual, as it depends entirely on what someone was made to do during their time under the curse and for how long, which can be wildly different from person to person.  someone who was controlled momentarily in order to steal something for someone versus someone who was controlled for a long period of time and committed a variety of acts like murder might not have much in common between their emotional responses.

for barty, it really just exacerbated issues he already had — he suffered from dissociation, dependency issues, and insecurities about sense of control before azkaban and the imperius curse, due to crouch’s abuse and his own latent mental illness.  because it lasted so long for barty, his brain chemistry and thought patterns have been twisted more severely than most survivors.  he suffers from disorganized thought, similar to that of someone with schizophrenia or dementia.  emotions are more likely to win over logic at times.  there are some actions he simply struggles with doing, and there was a period of time post-curse where he couldn’t write coherently and had to make moody do it for him.  he loses his train of thought at times, his memories are fuzzy, and he has no clear understanding of who he is as a person because he wasn’t able to be one for so long.  he also has a very hard time communicating with people due to the isolation.