#I’m a horrible person aren’t I. Selfish. Only caring about my own fun. I should be happy for them

[eclipsedcrystalstar]

shit shit shit shit

[th3-c1rcu5]

4 days of torment. some passages.

We attempted to make these chronological, but we’ve no guarantee of success

“I’m beginning to suspect that my darlings are tired of me. i could be wrong. i hope i’m wrong. i don’t think they want me anymore. why would they? i’m not a good wife. i can’t look after them, i can’t sleep with them, i can’t even talk to them properly. i can’t stop puppy from getting sad. i’m a bad person too. demanding and selfish and insecure. i never show when i’m jealous but i expect it from them. why would they even be jealous? they probably want ride of me. i can’t give any half decent reassurance but i constantly want it. i can’t even look right. my hair is a mess and my face is shaped weird. my skin is patchy and covered in spots and marks and freckles. my eyes are too blue and my nose is too big, my fingers bend weird and i’m always in pain. i grow too much hair in all the wrong places but it takes forever to grow out it has a weird texture and my scalp is too dry. i am too fat. my mind is wrong too. i forget everything. i can’t pay attention. i see things that aren’t there. small things make me cry but big things are meaningless to me. i always want my husbands with me but when i’m sad i can’t just suck it up for them. i’m always paranoid and have disgusting thoughts. i constantly fantasise but laying with you still seems so scary. you’re scary. why are you scary? i love you. i feel safe and happy when i’m with you so why am i so fucking scared?”

“Today has been horrible. They all think i’m stupid. i’m not. i saw a girl with a red ribbon in her hair and nearly puked. i wanted to pull out her hair in big ugly chunks how dare she HOW DARE SHE THAT’S MY THING I DO THAT I WEAR KITTY’S BOW BECAUSE I’M HIS I AM NOT YOU HE’D NEVER CHOOSE YOU HE’D NEVER LEAVE ME. my prince loves me and only me. he says he loves me he wouldn’t lie to me he wouldn’t. he loves me.”

This passage ends with multiple hearts scribbled at the bottom of the page. the biggest and most prominent heart has an E drawn in the middle of it.

“i want my whole life to revolve around him but that’s just not possible. i am in demand. they want work from me. they want my time, my energy, my love. can’t they see i have none to give? it’s all for him. i could bleed myself dry for him but i don’t have a drop of myself for anyone else. i wish i could squash out the competition for you, but every single thing seems to stand in my way. you could break me into a million pieces and i’d pick up the parts just to gift them to you.”

“i can’t help but feel any relation i have is nothing but a fake, a mockery. i don’t need friends, i don’t need parents, i don’t need siblings or teachers. i just need you! you have fun with me you look after me. you’d let me be your dumb little housepet if i wanted. i sort of do. shame. i hate how close she’s trying to become. she’d changed her whole life plans just to work with me now. ew. she speaks of living together, growing old together. she started writing stories too. how bold she was to admit she killed you so me and her could be together. never. never in a thousand years a million years. i’ll die with you. i’d die first so you are never alone. she sounds like she likes me. isn’t that sad? i don’t care. i’m yours, i’m claimed. you own me, my love. does that make you happy? do you want me to be yours? i am, i promise i am. i’m your bunny. always always always. you should leash me and drag me about. show her i’m yours pretty pretty please? she scares me you know. i hate people touching me. i’d let you touch me however you wanted. please let me be yours. i hate not being yours.”

[dendrite-blues]

For a relatively short exchange, this scene is jam packed with characterization for Loki. 

It’s also our first reliable look into what Loki was like before Thor 1. Not as described by others, but first hand and from his own mouth. I think that deserves a closer look, to see what we can learn about Loki and how he thinks.

This scene is significant because it tells us what Loki’s personality is like when he’s not running for his life. It tells us who he was before his trauma and what his core beliefs are underneath those layers of humor and bravado.

Better yet, since he’s alone we can assume that every line in this scene is presumably true, or at least Loki believes it to be true since he has no audience but himself. 

The dialogue centers mostly around the statement “You deserve to be alone, and you always will be.” I’m not going to focus too much on the “alone” motif since I already dedicated an entire meta post to it.

What I think is more interesting about this scene is actually the looping, and the stages Loki goes through in trying to deal with it. There’s a lot of really interesting character traits on display in that progression.

Loop 1: A Warm Bath and Glass of Wine

The first loop entails Sif lecturing Loki about cutting her hair, kicking him in the balls, and storming away. Loki kneels on the floor and he gives us this great line:

“A bad memory prison? How quaint. Some punishment. I remember exactly what I did after that. I went and had a nice, hot bath and a glass of wine, and I never thought about it again. Because it was just a bit of fun.”

So we can take this to be Loki’s default reaction to pain and criticism. When put into an unexpected conflict without any forethought or outside influence, this is what he says/does.

1) Downplay the damage/threat. How quaint. 2) Dispel/soothe the emotion. Nice hot bath. 3) Minimize the impact. Never thought about it again. 4) Deflect responsibility. Just a bit of fun.

Keep those in mind as we move forward, since we’ll be using them to make sense of what else Loki says in this scene.

Loops 2 and 3: Okay, Sif, Hang On

This bit is about Loki realizing just how bad his predicament is.

L: Okay. Okay, Sif. Hang on. S: No, you hear this. You deserve to be alone... And I always will be. L: Alright, I get it. Listen. You are a reconstruction of a past event created by the organization that controls all of time. So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah? S: Pathetic. (she kicks him again) L: (winces and groans)

As we all would expect from him, Loki’s first impulse is to try and talk his way out of it. What he says to achieve that goal is pretty revealing though. Because he doesn’t try to ease Sif’s upset by apologizing or explaining or offering to magic her hair back. 

Any of these would have been more likely to save his nads in the given circumstance, right? The present threat is Sif, and she’s mad about what Loki did to her hair. But Loki doesn’t really see that. Rather, he treats her as a means to an end.

“So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah?”

To me, that choice reveals something of a blind spot Loki has to the feelings of others. Even if he doesn’t actively like hurting people, he does prioritize their problems below his, and quite shamelessly. And at least on his first impulse, he doesn’t seem to feel much remorse or empathy for them.

Usually in fanon we attribute this callousness to his trauma. He’s learned that no one can be trusted and no one cares, and so he doesn’t allow himself to care for others. 

But between his Loop 1 sentiment of “It was just a bit of fun” for an event which caused real hurt to Sif, and his Loop 2/3 behavior of “you, stop being mad and help ME” I think it’s reasonable to say that selfishness/low empathy are traits Loki possessed pre-trauma.

Loop 4-????: Happens Off Screen

It’s unclear how many times Loki loops while the camera is following Mobius, but the implication is clear that it was been many, many repetitions. Somewhere in this his denial and deflection must break, because we come back to a much humbler, more pleading Loki.

The Final Loop: I Crave Attention

S: You conniving, craven... L: Sif. Sif. S: ...pathetic worm. L: Please, please, no more. Please, I beg you. I'm a horrible person. I get it. I really am. I cut off your hair because I thought it'd be funny. And it's not. Uh... I crave attention... because I'm... a narcissist. And I suppose it's... It's because I'm scared of being alone.

HOOO BOY, so this is quite a tough bit to analyze. There’s a lot of interpretations you could make, and a lot of topics to delve into. For the sake of focus, I’m going to ignore the narcissism question. That one really needs an entire post, and I want to focus on something else here.

That being, Loki’s way of processing conflict/punishment.

I’ve always found it strange how Loki takes such pride in being called a liar and cheat when he simultaneously has this chip on his shoulder about how nobody likes him. 

Those two traits don’t seem to play well together, and I always scratched my head over how they coexist in his character. If he wants people to be nicer to him, maybe he should stop antagonizing them? Yeah?

Well, here we’re finally given a clear reason. Loki craves attention, he hates being alone. So how does he avoid it? Pranks and mischief. 

Fair enough.

But then, if all his pranks lead to this outcome--outrage, retaliation, insult--why doesn’t he ever learn? How is it that after 1000 years of this behavior, he hasn’t found a better way to get the attention he craves? 

Loop 1: Downplay, dispel, minimize, deflect. He accepts zero accountability for the impact of his actions, and doesn’t think at all about how they affect other people. Just a bit of fun. I had a hot bath and a glass of wine, and never thought about it again. 

The only reason he reaches the level of self awareness on display in the Final Loop is because the looping forces him to contemplate his actions and the impulses within him that lead to that behavior.

This is projection on my part, but to me he acts as though this kind of deep reflection is a new thing for him. He sounds like someone sharing a revelation that he’s just had about himself. We’re being shown that Loki is a man of action. He will always move forward if he can, possibly because looking back to so painful that he can’t bring himself to do it.

Circling back around to the pride Loki has for his knavery, let’s suppose that he’s been on this negative reinforcement cycle since childhood. He’s always acted out to get attention, then received retaliation and insults for it, and then pushed the bad feelings out of his mind with creature comforts and mental gymnastics.

What happens over time, when you’re being constantly told that you’re a pain in the ass and no one likes you? Most of us would take it to heart, but Loki doesn’t. He has a big ego, big enough to resist that constant barrage of hate coming at him.

So how does he marry these two conflicting realities? 

He turns it into an identity, the God of Mischief. 

In his head, Loki excuses himself of blame by shifting the culpability to his moniker. It’s not that he’s immature and petty, he’s just a “trickster.” It’s in his nature to cause trouble, so he can’t help it. You wouldn’t dangle a steak in front of a tiger and blame the tiger for striking, would you? And if other people can’t take a “joke” then that’s not his fault, that’s on them for not having a sense of humor. It was just a bit of fun.

Here we see the union of these two halves of Loki, the lonely ice runt and the mischievous scamp. (And a little bit of the original Loki who Thor accused of being incapable of growth!) 

By refusing to think about others, and excusing himself from responsibility, Loki successfully preserves his self worth and insulates himself to most of the negative emotions he experiences.

Pain, embarrassment, and grief aren’t pointless emotions though. They are vital feelings that serve to regulate our behavior, and that push us to conform to the ways of our social circles. Without them, we annoy and upset others. Be annoying for long enough and you will eventually find yourself, well, alone. As Loki is.

Thus “Mischief” is a self-defeating loop, and Loki is just as caught in it as the cell Mobius trapped him in.

In order to be free of both traps, Loki has to stop running. He has to take a deeper look at himself and realize how much he is getting in his own way. The entire scene is one big parallel between these two “loops.” Pretty neat, huh?

Sadly these kinds of thought loops are really difficult to break, they’re buried so deeply in our personalities and habits that we usually don’t notice them until life forces us to address them.

The cell is Loki’s wake up call, and thankfully he does seem to rise to the occasion. He tells Sif quite clearly what his problem is, and he does it with beautiful, painful honesty.

Which is why it’s so fucking awesome for Mobius to acknowledge that, and to finally give Loki a taste of positive attention. 

You don’t deserve to be alone. I believe you can be anything, even something good. Whatever you two did, it was powerful enough to bring this whole place down.

It’s a beautiful scene. Well written, meticulously acted. The clarity of vision in the pacing and shot selection, it’s really something special.

[futurewriter2000]

If I can't have you, nobody can - pt. 9 - final part

A/N: I know it's kind of a shitty ending but I just wanted to end it without all the dramatic affects. Like, let's be honest. This is how it would go because all men are pu**ies.

XX

James walked in his apartment drained. He felt his limbs go numb as soon as he stepped on his threshold. He could barely put the key in but when he did, he opened the door with force, kicked off his shoes and threw himself onto his bed.

The image of Lily's tears haunted him. It wasn't as horrible as he imagined. It was worse, far worse but he couldn't keep deceiving her. He couldn't pretend to love her when he loved you. It was that easy. You can only love one person at the time. Loving both makes him selfish.

There was no doubt on he was to choose. There even wasn't a choice for him. He knew exactly who he wanted and that person was you.

He deserved the slap. Definitely deserved it but Merlin did she had to hit so hard? His cheek was still burning from her hand and it wasn't any less redder than it was before.

He didn't want to see you today either. Tomorrow and for the rest of his life, yes. But today? Today he just wanted to sleep through and get it over with. Despite everything, he still cared about Lily and the time they were together was not just wasted time for him. He cared... cared enough to feel pain in his chest as he did so but that didn't mean he loved you any less. He just needed to grieve a bit for he had lost an amazing woman but love is love, and you can't really choose for who you fall in love with and with you he was head over heels.

"PEEK A BOO!" came a loud voice from the living room. "Prongs?"

"Ugh, noooo..." James grumbled into the pillow. Apparently this day is far from being over.

"Oh, there you are." Sirius smiled as he popped his head into the bedroom. "Alright there, mate?" he jumped on the bed and started bouncing off.

"No." he mumbled into the pillow.

"Hell, who hurt you today? Was it Moody? Was he a bit harsh on you today? Oh wait, we're not Aurors yet." Sirius laughed sarcastically and slapped his forehead. "Must have been-"

"I broke up." he mumbled into the pillow but Sirius couldn't quite hear him.

"You're worker?"

"No, Pads." James turned around to face him. "I broke up..." he paused, watching Sirius' eyes furrow. "... with Lily."

Sirius kept watching him in silence, replaying thoughts and words in his head. "I thought you wanted to marry her?" he stood up and crossed his arms over his chest. He knew the reason why, stuck far back in his head but he wanted James to say it. "Weren't we ring shopping four days ago?"

"I know. I know." James sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his eyes. "I just... I talked to Remus-"

"oF cOUrsE!" Sirius threw his arms in the air. "And he gave you some Yobe Kenobi wisdom about love and commitment when a man cannot even commit to the fact that he turns into a wolf every full moon."

"Pads, that's not fair." James scolded him. Every one of them knew how much Remus suffered. It wasn't fair of Sirius being ignorant about his friend and Sirius realised that.

"I know..." he looked down in regret. "But can't you- why? You know what don't tell me why. I know why? It's because of (y/n) isn't it?" he glared at James.

"Yes but-"

"I bloody knew it! She's not for you James!"

"How in the bloody hell would you know that?! Huh?! Why aren't you just happy for us?! Why are you pissed?!"

"Because if I can't have her, you shouldn't either! Nobody should!"

And if words could have physical strength, they would push James back a few steps.

"You git!" James stormed to Sirius and pushed him against his chest.

Sirius stared at him for a moment and when James started to push him again, he pushed back first.

"You were selfish all this time!"

"So what if I was?! You and her would never work out because she still has feelings for me!"

"Don't act like a child, Sirius! She's not a 12 year old girl and you're not all mighty God! She's a grown, sensible woman, who doesn't wait for you just to crawl back at your feet. If she would, she would have done it a long time ago but she didn't, did she?!" he shouted. "She moved on and she got her life together or did she sent you a letter or called you that I do not know about?" he continued but Sirius just stared at him, defeated. "She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you because you had rejected her YEARS ago but she does love me. She always loved me because if she didn't, she wouldn't have given me a second chance! So you have no right to be jealous, mate, when you're the one that pushed her away! Not only from yourself but from us too! And there was no reason for that except today that you were just too selfish about it!" he pushed Sirius through the door. "Now, bloody leave! I don't want to see your face for a couple of days because I am furious at you!" James stared at Sirius and Sirius pouted like a little child.

He stomped away and disapparated into thin air.

---

You had laughed when James was telling you this story. He was laying in your lap and angrily complaining over Sirius as a little child as well. He threw his hands in the air and started to get heated as he explained the argument.

"After all I've done for that git!" he turned to the side and furrowed his eyebrows. "That little asshole." he continued to pout as you had continued to laugh.

"Come on, Jamie." you gently caressed his cheek. "We were all just kids when everything happened. We didn't know better, especially Sirius. You were just as stubborn and arrogant as he was."

"I know but still!" he sat up and looked at you, not angry but sad. "If I didn't know better now, I wouldn't have been with you."

You cupped his cheeks and awed at him. "But you are and Sirius is just being dramatic. You know he wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone hurt his best friend."

"I bet you five galleons he will knock on that door tomorrow, if not today with Fizzing Whizzbees and ton of Chocolate Frogs just to apologise."

"He had never apologised in my entire time of knowing him."

"Oh, he doesn't really say it but you know what he's meaning to say."

And just as James was about to answer, there was a knock on the door.

You smiled coyly at James. "Get your wallet, Potter."

James rolled his eyes and smiled at you. He walked to the door and opened them to see a tall man with regretful puppy eyes and candy in his hands. "You just made me lose five galleons, mate." he said and gestured to let him come inside.

"What do you mean?" Sirius smiled as he walked after James, later seeing you sitting on the sofa.

He stopped in his tracks and stared at you. No second movement or proof that he was breathing appeared. He just stood and stared like a linden tree.

"Hello, Sirius." you waved at him.

"Hi." he said than quickly regained his saneness. "Oh, so you're the thief behind the five galleons."

"Guilty." you laughed. "You had always done this whenever you and James had got in the argument. James was ranting to Remus, Peter and I, meanwhile you were out there sneaking to Honeydukes for sorry candy."

"Which always worked in the end." Sirius winked and sat down on the arm chair in front of you. He rubbed his hands together and looked away from you, before facing the uncomfortable topic. "So... he told you..."

"Quite passionately, might I say. I felt as if I was there when he was telling me the story." you teased as James filled himself with Chocolate Frogs and laughed.

"I'm really sorry, (y/n)." he said, causing James' eyes to widen. He had never heard Sirius apologise before but now that he did, it must have been sincere. "I really didn't know what I was doing... or saying... you were just so fun to be around and I guess I didn't want to share you with anybody."

"I get it..." you said, letting your hand fall behind James' neck and looking at him with awe. "We were all just stupid kids and I always wanted us to stay friends." you smiled back at him.

Sirius smiled back. "So you're not mad?"

"I was never mad, Siri. I was just disappointed but everything turned out for the best in the end." you looked back at James, who didn't take his eyes off you since the moment your hand touched his skin.

"Yeah." Sirius said, then stood up and patted his jeans. "Best I leave you two love birds alone then." he said and both of you looked up at him. "I really am happy for the two of you." he said before disapperating away.

Though he said it to the two of you with a smile on his face he never meant it. Why not? Because seeing you with James was the most painful thing he had to witness.

Seeing you there, so grown up, so different from when he last saw you was torturing. He just wanted to pour out of himself the why's and the because's. Oh, how he wanted to hug you and tell you everything but he couldn't. He couldn't have done it because of James.

He had messed up so much for you, for James and for himself that all he had to do was restrain himself of his own emotions. He can never tell you now.

He had his chances and now he doesn't. He would think it was not fair when everything made sense. It was fair. He did have chances, opportunities to tell you the truth but was too late for him now.

James was right. You didn't wait for him. You moved on and everything he made you feel was now gone but everything you made him feel was still inside of him.

You were happy. James was happy and him? Sirius? He was miserable because he had let you slip through his fingers forever.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS Do-S Kyuuketsu VERSUS Ⅲ Vol.3 Subaru VS Kou [Track 1]

Original title: パーティーへの招待状

Source: Diabolik Lovers VERSUS III Vol. 3 Subaru VS Kou [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here (0:00 ~ 11:36)

Seiyuu: Takashi Kondou & Kimura Ryouhei

Translator’s note: I have been really craving some Subaru lately but since he’s my bias, I already translated pretty much all of his solo CDs. ;w; There’s still a few VERSUS ones I have yet to translate though, so I decided to tackle the one with Kou first! I’m not a huge fan of Kou by himself, but I love the rivalry and playful banter between him and Subaru. uwu The two of them are just so different, it makes for some really hialrious interactions!

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5 ll Track 6

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 1: Invitation to the Party

*Flip*

Subaru: Haah...God, that bastard. Sending us this damn invitation! The fuck’s his problem!? I’m not in the mood for this shit right now!

Subaru starts ripping up the letter.

Subaru: ...Ugh! ...Haah...I feel on edge ‘cause of the Old Man’s powers...That guy continues to be a pain in the ass even in death. And she takes part of the blame too! Simply noddin’ her head and acceptin’ this shit...It’s annoyin’...

You walk up to him.

Subaru: ...Aah? What? Do you need somethin’ from me?

You explain.

Subaru: Ah? You’re talkin’ ‘bout the invitation from earlier? Hah! You really think I would read that crap? Don’t you know what those scraps of paper scattered ‘bout your feet are?

You look down, seemingly upset.

Subaru: Che...What part of this is so ‘horrible’? ...Actually, are you that worried ‘bout that guy? ...Aah!?

He punches the wall.

*THUD*

Subaru: For one, didn’t I tell you to stay away from other guys where possible!? ...Yet you accepted this shit like it’s nothin’. Are you makin’ fun of me or somethin’!?

You shake your head.

Subaru: Then what are you playin’ at? I don’t know what kind of invitation it was, but I’m sure he’s plottin’ somethin’ by invitin’ uーー

You explain.

Subaru: Haah...? ‘Work anniversary’...? (1) The fuck’s that? ...Hm? Ahー That guy’s doin’ this idol shit or somethin’, isn’t he? ...Hah. Ridiculous. And why do we have to show our faces there? I’m not goin’.

You frown.

Subaru: Actually, you better not think of goin’ either.

You protest.

Subaru: Tsk...Like I said...Ugh!

*Thud*

Subaru: I don’t care ‘bout these stupid celebrations. This whole time, he’s been the only one on your mind! Do you want to get wrecked by me that badly!? You are mine. Don’t think ‘bout anythin’ or anyone but me. Understood?

You tilt your head to the side.

Subaru: Che...Look at you playin’ dumb. ...Okay then. Then I’ll just have to teach who you belong to directly to your body, until it gets through to you.

*RIIIIIIIP*

Subaru: Che...Pipe down! You only have yourself to blame for this, right!?

Subaru bites you.

*Gulp gulp*

Subaru: ...Haah!

*Gulp gulp*

Subaru: Mmh...Hah! Haah, haah...Don’t be screamin’ already...Don’t pretend like you don’t enjoy the intense pain. That’s why I’m ーー

*Gulp gulp*

Subaru: ...Makin’ it hurt on purpose like this. Heh! Next up’s...

*Rustle*

Subaru: Now where to suck from...? Haah...

He grabs hold of your wrist and squeezes down.

Subaru: Right here? This wrist of yours which looks like I could snap it in two? Hehe...I wonder how you’ll cry out if I were to pierce my fangs throug here?

He bites you once more.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

Subaru: ...Haah...Your blood really is as sweet as ever...

*Gulp gulp gulp*

Subaru: Mmh...Nn...Hah...Heh! Throwin’ in the towel already? However, it’s too early for that. I’m sure you haven’t had enough, have you? You should still be miles away from feelin’ satisfied. I’ll engrave my fangs more and more...!

*Gulp gulp gulp*

Subaru: Mm...

*Gulp gulp gulp*

*TIMESKIP*

Subaru: ーー Haah...! Oi, you...Che...She lost consciousness.

*Rustle rustle*

Subaru: Geez...Guess I have no other choice. I’ll put her to bed in our room.

Subaru picks you up.

*Rustle*

Subaru: ...Huh? Che. This stupid invitation from earlier, huh?

*Flip*

Subaru: Haah...A party, huh? Che...What a drag. However, it might be a good opportunity to show that guy she’s mine.

He crumbles up the invitation before walking away. 

*TIMESKIP*

The scene shifts to the party.

Subaru: Haah...Why are there this many people!? It’s annoyin’...

He tries to loosen his collar.

Subaru: Ugh...These clothes are hella uncomfortable as well...Che. I regret comin’ here already...

You chuckle.

Subaru: Meanwhile, you seem to be havin’ a blast, huh? Wearin’ one of those frilly dresses...

You frown.

Subaru: I never said it looks weird on you...But...Knowin’ you’re wearin’ it for that guy, it pisses me off...

You ask Subaru to repeat himself.

Subaru: Haah!? I said nothin’...! ...A-Anyway, where’s that jerk, huh? He had the nerve to invite us to this crap, I gotta at least land one good punch on his face or my evening won’t be compleーー

Kou: Ah! Ooiii~!

Kou runs up to them.

Kou: Well, well, if it isn’t Subaru-kun~? I was convinced you wouldn’t show up, but here you are!

Subaru: ...Che. You finally show yourself, huh? Aren’t you the one who invited us?

Kou: That’s true but personally, I would have been fine if it was just M-neko-chan who showed up~ I guess you still can’t say no to her, huh?

Subaru: Hmph! I’m not here ‘cause she asked me! I’m here to show you who she truly belongs to.

Kou: Hmm~? Look at you go. ...Fufu, oh well~ M-neko-chan, thank you once again for coming today. I’m really glad you’re here!

Subaru: Oi, who gives a shit ‘bout that!? ...More importantly, why did you invite us? Whatcha plottin’?

Kou: Please don’t immediately assume the worst of me! I genuinely just wanted M-neko-chan to congratulate me. ...Also, I figured there was something I should ask you.

Subaru: Ask me?

Kou: Exactly. Like how it feels to have inherited that man’s powers, for example.

Subaru: ...!? Youーー!

Kou: I know, I know! Don’t glare at me like that! For now, let’s just enjoy the party, okay? ...That being said~ 

Kou kneels down in front of you.

Subaru: O-Oi...!? Whatcha suddenly kneelin’ down for!?

Kou: M-neko-chan looks like a lovely princess in her dress today, so if I want to thank her, I should adapt to that, right? Say, give me your hand for a second?

*Rustle*

Kou: Thank you for coming today.

*Smooch*

Subaru: Wha...!? Oi, Kou...! You bastard!? The fuck you think you’re doin’ to somebody else’s girl!? Let go of her hand!

Kou: Don’t wanna! Also, could you stop saying such selfish things? Nobody ever said she only belongs to you, so stop getting in my way!

Kou tugs you his way.

*Rustle*

Kou: Well then, you’re coming with me~ 

Subaru: ...Fuck off! Let go already!

A crowd of people suddenly gathers around them.

Subaru: ...!? The fuck’s wrong with these bastards!? They’re suddenly pushin’ me ‘round...!? 

*Clap clap clap*

Kou: Don’t call them ‘bastards’. They’re my precious guests after all! Fufu~ ...Thank you for coming today, everyone! I’ll greet you all one by one, so hang on tight, okay~?

The crowd cheers.

Subaru: ...Wai...!? Oi...!? Move out of the waーー!?

Subaru gets swallowed by the crowd.

Kou: Come on now, no pushing!

You start walking away but Kou grabs your hand.

Kou: Hold it. Where do you think you’re going.

You seem surprised.

Kou: Heh. Exactly. Just stay like that. ...Anyway, thank you all once again for coming today, everyone! I’ll keep on working hard, so I’m counting on all of you for the support!

*Clap clap clap*

Kou: Eh? This girl? Fufu~ This girl, you see...She’s my special someone. Isn’t she a real cutie?

You panic.

Kou: No need to panic, it’s fine. I didn’t invite any of my fangirls today. ...Fufu~ As you can tell, the two of us are totally head over heels for each other~ That being said, I’m really craving some alone time with her right now, so I’ll talk to you all later, okay~?

*Rustle*

Kou: Let’s go, M-neko-chan~

You ask about Subaru.

Kou: Huuh~? Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen Subaru-kun for a hot minute now. I wonder where he ran off to? Perhaps he got swallowed by the crowd earlier? ...Oh well~ This is perfect if it means I get to keep you all for myself~ Fufu~ Let’s hurry! I prepared a room for us in the back!

The two of you walk away.

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) 活躍記念 or ‘katsuyaku-kinen’ literally means ‘remembrance of starting an activity/job/etc.’, meaning Kou was celebrating his (insert year) anniversary since he began working as an idol.

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 51: Waiting 37 Turns for a Character I Hate

Paralogue 13: After the End

Subaki and Hayato travel through the dark, creepy forest where Hayato’s daughter Rhajat lives. After seeing an army of faceless, Hayato explains that Rhajat experiments with the dark arts and summoned the faceless to be her minions. We then get a good look at Rhajat and

Oh god.

Oh no.

So Rhajat is just Tharja from Awakening. And Tharja, the obsessive evil fanservice Yandere she is, wasn’t my first pick for a character to reappear. I did personally enjoy a lot of the black comedy from Tharja, but the obsessiveness with Robin got old and made her unbearable in romantic Supports. She was also heavily used for fanservice, leading to her being one of the Awakening characters with the most appearances in other games, despite characters with much more depth existing.

Fortunately for everyone who hated Tharja, you can recruit Rhajat by beating her up. Alternatively, you can talk to her with Hayato and have him tell her to cut it out. But where’s the fun in that?

Similar to Leo’s boss chapter, this map is filled with faceless and poison bogs. To be honest, I kinda find faceless chapters to be boring; the lack of a weapon triangle makes fighting them less strategic. It was made worse in this one by the constant reinforcements that don’t stop when Rhajat gets KOd. I decided to ignore closing up the enemy-respawning bogs, figuring that I could take out the army on my own. After being surrounded by fifty faceless, I realized that was dumb.

So anyway 37 turns later, Hayato lectures Rhajat on summoning unholy abominations and recruits her so he can keep an eye on her. Subaki and Rhajat joke about making potions to make Hayato taller and less childish.

Also, Corrin saves Rhajat from a faceless so she’s in love with her now and wants to stalk her forever. Yay. And, fun fact, the dialogue does change if Corrin is Rhajat’s mother, but it’s still every bit as creepy and obsessive.

Rhajat

Tharja from Awakening. A creepy, obsessive, yandere Dark Mage. Or, more accurately, a yandere Diviner, because dark magic is a Nohrian thing. I got enough Tharja from Awakening and Heroes, so I’m not too fond of Tharja coming back. At least the fact that she’s a child means she won’t be abusive this time. Her personal skill, Vendetta, makes her do extra damage if she fights an enemy multiple times.

Support: Hayato/Rhajat

C: Hayato lectures Rhajay on how she needs to be more social. Rhajat ignores him because he's just a kid.

B: Rhajat explains that she is actually older than her father because of all her time in the Deeprealms.

A: Hayato apologizes for leaving her alone for so long and calls himself a selfish child. He says he'll always love her, regardless of how old she gets.

Review: Actually a genuinely good Support, surprisingly enough. It examines a logical end result of this game’s stupid stupid fucking story and uses it to have a bittersweet Support. Giving it to Hayato is especially fitting.

Support: Rhajat/Mother

C: Rhaja performs a "good luck" spell on a bunch of villagers. All of them get sick. Her mother asks her if she made them sick by accident and tells her to fix it so they won't fear her. Rhajat says people will fear her anyway, so what's the point?

B: Rhajat's mother attempts to help the villagers without Rhajat finding out.

A: Rhajat reveals that she isn't to blame and creates an herb that cures the villagers. Rhajat says that she didn't explain jack shit because she doesn't care what the villagers think of her, only that her mother trusts her.

Review: This one is kinda weird, to be honest. Rhajat doesn’t exonerate herself and is upset that her mother doesn’t trust her, despite the fact that her Paralogue has her potentially killing members of our army by accident. Rhajat should be viewed with suspicion!

Support: Corrin/Rhajat

C: Rhajat stares at her soulmate, Corrin.

B: Rhajat stalks Corrin, giggling. Rhajat reveals that Corrin saved her once before Paralogue 13, when she was a little girl and fell off a cliff.

A: Corrin apologizes for being creeped out by Rhajat stalking them. This is not the type of thing you should apologize for. This is not a healthy Support.

S: Rhajat says she'll stop stalking Corrin. Corrin says that Rhajat should keep stalking, because they enjoy it. They get married.

Review: Yeah, no. This one is creepy, not cute.

Now you may be thinking, wait a minute, this dumb fucking blog writer mislabelled that Support! The male Corrin/child unit Supports are normally labeled Moron/Whatever. The thing is, both genders of Corrin have identical Supports with Rhajat. Including the S-Rank.

Rhajat and Corrin are both canonically bisexual. So is Niles from Conquest, by the way. Fates was the first Fire Emblem game, after twenty-five years and thirteen other installments, to feature openly LGBT characters. And I mean...representation is good. As a concept, representation is good. This game’s representation is very very bad, though.

It’s kinda shitty that the first openly bisexual Fire Emblem character is a vaguely evil stalker yandere. It plays into a ton of quite frankly horrible stereotypes. And Niles isn’t too much better. And oh god, do not get me started on Soleil.

It’s good this game had representation. But goddamn is the representation awful. And it’s made worse that it only comes in the form of two characters, one barely relevant to the plot, who just reuse their conversations with Corrin of the opposite sex. It’s an afterthought, really.

I don’t know enough about Japanese politics to speak with confidence on this issue; from what I’ve heard, gay rights were a bit more controversial there in 2015 than in the US. But also, who gives a shit? It’s the job of an artist to go against social norms. If society says that having gay characters that aren’t stereotypes is wrong, then fuck society.

Fortunately, Three Houses had better representation. Not good representation, it’s a lot of the same stuff in this game. But at least it’s slightly better.

Oh, one more thing on this Support. I don’t normally talk about the Japanese version of this game, both because I don’t know much about it and because this is focused on the English translation. That said, I do know that the Japanese version of this Support implies that Robin and Tharja from Awakening are reincarnations of Corrin and Rhajat, respectively. And that’s kinda dumb. Rhajat is a recycled Tharja, but Corrin and Robin have nothing in common besides being protagonists. Also, that makes the question of when this game takes place in relation to Awakening even more complicated.

And, with that, we are out of Portal Babies! Time to play Conquest.

[sweetsassymusic]

The Long Kaz Rant I Told Myself I Wouldn’t Write, But Here We Are

This is probably an unpopular opinion. And I hope it doesn't come across as confrontational or anything because I don't mean it that way. But I've always been super confused by the way Kaz is accepted, basically across the entire fandom, as either morally gray or straight up villainous? He doesn’t really seem like either of those things to me. On a surface level, obviously there are things he’s done that are normally considered evil. He’s stolen, he’s killed, he threatened a child, he gouged out someone’s eye. And that’s all pretty bad, right? But it completely ignores the context given in the books. (More after the cut because this got too long...)

There’s a difference between doing something evil and doing something that’s shocking, “dark,” or difficult to watch.

Before I read the books, I heard fans discuss all the horrible things Kaz does. And the way people talk about him, I was expecting him to be… Feral Kaz – someone who delights in doing horrible things because he’s just so twisted and angry. The author herself even referred to him on her blog as being utterly despicable. Wow! This guy must really go out of his way to hurt innocent people, huh? So when I sat down to actually read it, I was so surprised. Most (if not all?) the killings were done on some level of self-defense. His “murder victims” were actual evil people trying to kill him or someone he loved. And the reason he threatened a child was because the only alternative was killing her – something he would never want to do. You know, because he’s not evil.

I don’t know if I just have very different definitions of these terms than most people? But to me, the idea of Kaz being “utterly despicable” should not even be on the table to begin with (Leigh Bardugo, you good?) and even the idea of him being “morally gray” is questionable.

When I think of a morally good character, I don’t think of someone who never does anything questionable or always perfectly makes the correct choices. I think of someone who is on a mission–either to protect the world, a loved one, or simply pursuing a personal goal–who at least tries to conduct his mission in a way that either does no harm to others, or (when that’s not possible) does as little harm as necessary to get the job done. 

Whereas, when I think of a villainous character, I think of someone who has no regard for others at all. Someone who either relishes in harming the innocent, or pays zero consideration to whether he harms innocents while pursuing his goals (which are usually, in themselves, harmful to innocent people). 

And finally, when I think of a morally gray character, I think of someone directly between these two. Someone who is a little bit evil, a little bit sadistic, but not entirely evil. He’s got a few good points too. Maybe he’s someone who keeps switching sides, unsure if he wants to be a hero or villain. Maybe he has hurt a lot of innocent people unnecessarily, but he joins in with the good guys for personal gain, and people don’t mind him there simply because he doesn’t interfere with the protagonist’s goals. Or maybe he’s the “Bad Cop” to someone else’s Good Cop: someone who uses more violence than is necessary, just for fun, but still helps the good side in some capacity, so everyone chooses to look past it.

Under these definitions, Kaz (to me) seems more like a good character. While pursuing his personal goals, he protects people he loves, and yes, he does do “dark” things. But he doesn’t relish in doing them (despite his reputation in-universe of being a chaotic sadist. His reputation is not accurate; he invented it for his own protection). He does them because he has to. If he can get the job done right without hurting anyone, that’s the route he’ll take. But that option isn’t always available. And he’s not the type to lie down and die just to avoid getting his hands dirty (nor should he, imo). 

Again, maybe I just have a different idea of what constitutes being morally gray. But I always thought it was meant to be a judgment on the choices you make when you actually HAVE a choice? A morally gray character has the choice to be good or evil, and they choose to do both (which one depending on how they feel that day). 

Whereas, if you do something “bad” because circumstances force you to do it–because you or someone you love will die otherwise–that’s pretty much the same as having a gun to your head. You’re not morally gray. You’re doing it under duress. It’s survival, not a reflection of where you stand on moral topics. Like, if you trap a vegan in a room with only a piece of meat, and you leave them there for days, weeks, that person doesn’t suddenly become a “fake vegan” if they eat that meat to avoid literally starving to death. You forced them to do it. When it comes to their moral beliefs, they would still be a vegan if they had the freedom to make that choice. You just put them in a situation where those choices aren’t available to them. Your lack of freedom in a situation shouldn’t define you.

The same can be said for placing a starving, homeless orphan boy alone in the dog-eat-dog world of Ketterdam. The option of being a sweet little law-abiding citizen is not available to him. So is it really fair to define him by something in which he had no choice?

I’ve come across so many GrishaVerse fans who, while sipping on their Starbucks in the comfort of their own home, go “Ugh, Kaz. He’s so DARK, so EVIL!” (Fun fact: while my mom was watching the show, she said Kaz is evil because “he seems to always have a plan.” Oh no! Not PLANS!)  “He must be some kind of monster to be able to do the things he does and still live with himself! I could NEVER do those things!” Well…you’ve never actually had to do those things? Your life has never depended on it? Idk, to me, it’s just a very privileged take. And I’m not trying to make this into a big social issue. It’s not like criticism against a fictional character is anywhere near the same level of importance as the issues marginalized people are facing in real life. I’m just saying, it’s very easy to condemn activity you’ve never been forced to engage in for your own survival.

One of the biggest reasons people have given me for why they think Kaz is evil is that he is “for himself.” Even the author said she thinks Kaz is worse than the Darkling (who, I’ve gotten the impression, she believes to be irredeemable) because the Darkling has communal goals (he wants to bring positive change for other people/the world at large) while Kaz’s goals are just personal (he wants to bring positive change for himself and only himself). And for one? It just isn’t true: many (if not most) of the things Kaz does is either for his Crows or for his late brother; he just disguises it with supposed self-interest for the sake of his reputation. And second? It’s…not actually wrong to have personal goals or to act in self-interest. Bettering your own life is a valid desire. It’s not the same as being selfish. Not everything you do has to be for other people.

(And, tbh, this is something Leigh Bardugo seems to have a problem with in general, not just in this scenario. I could write a whole separate rant about other characters that were demonized in-narrative for engaging in “too much” self-care, and how her unforgivingly black and white morality ruined the Shadow and Bone trilogy for me. Worst of all, she even seemed to imply recently that the only reason real-life antisemitism is wrong is because “the Jews didn’t fight back”? [Like, if they had met her criteria of “fighting back”, would that make antisemitism somewhat justified to her? What? Idek, but she should really clarify.] Basically, she seems to take “non-selfishness” to an extreme. I don’t know her personally, I don’t want to make assumptions, I don’t have anything personal against her, and I’m not trying to get her cancelled or anything, I promise. But please, when you read her books, please don’t accept all her ideas at face value, because there’s some Weird Shit™ in there sometimes.)

Anyway, another reason people say Kaz is bad or morally gray is that he wants revenge. “Revenge is a bad coping mechanism! You should want JUSTICE! Not REVENGE!” And again, this argument is wild to me. I mean, yes, there are situations–especially in real life, modern, western contexts–where revenge is a bad coping mechanism someone has developed, and transforming their anger into a desire for justice is a way for them to overcome that and express their anger in a healthier way. But that’s a very specific scenario. When we’re talking generally, the line between revenge and justice is a lot thinner than people think (and in some scenarios, there is no line at all). 

For example, real life victims and their families often say they can’t wait to see the perpetrator rot in prison, even wishing (sometimes even fantasizing) that the guy gets abused in prison by fellow inmates. For them, justice and revenge are wrapped up together in one big court-issued sentence. And while some people find that disturbing or take issue with it, it’s…generally considered valid outrage? This guy is evil and hurt them, so it’s okay for these people to want him to suffer. And most importantly, these people called the cops instead of taking matters into their own hands, therefore they’re Good, right? They’re good citizens who obey and rely on the established authority, therefore they are handling their anger in an Acceptable™ way?

But in the world of Ketterdam, if someone has victimized you, or is trying to kill you or someone you love, you can’t just call the fucking cops (and let’s be honest, looking at irl cops, it’s a questionable idea here too sometimes). If we’re analyzing Kaz’s outrage and how he handles it, we have to analyze it in the context of where he lives, not where we live. We have options in our lives that Kaz doesn’t have. So we have to ask, what are the most productive steps he could realistically take in his world?

I see activists and bloggers on websites like this, publicly fantasizing about gouging the eyes out of certain politicians and right-wing figureheads. And they would probably do it for real if they could. On Tumblr and Twitter, this is generally considered righteous anger. The politicians are evil, so it’s okay to hurt them, right? That’s how the logic goes, anyway (I know some will disagree, but it’s a common take here). Well, imagine if, instead of just being a bigot, one of these evil people personally stabbed–possibly killed–your girlfriend. And there were no cops to call, no news stations or social media to turn to, to show people what this guy did. No authority or community on your side. No way to ensure this guy faced consequences for his actions. There’s just you, your dying girlfriend, your helplessness, your anger. What would be the appropriate way to handle this situation, so you were acting out of justice instead of revenge? What does “justice” even mean in a world like that? It’s a world where either you hurt others or you lie down and just let others keep hurting those you love (which, in itself, would be evil). I can’t think of any “appropriate” response Kaz could take. Which, for better or worse, is probably why he just went for the eye. You probably would too in that context. Are you morally gray? I doubt it.

It’s really weird to me how people seem to hold Kaz to this high standard of absolute Moral Purity, but they don’t hold other characters to it. Like, was the dad on Taken being “feral” or “morally gray” when he told his daughter’s kidnapper that “I will find you and I will kill you” and then pursued him with fury? His motivations were personal and not communal. He was coming from a place of revenge, just as much as justice. But most people consider him a hero. He’s not controversial or “dark.” There are plenty of other heroes who do terrible things (sometimes to innocent people! Even when it’s not even necessary!) for the “greater good” or just because it’s convenient. People call them a “badass” and then turn around and say Kaz is just “bad.” Idk, it just seems really arbitrary the way people draw these lines.

If we’re expanding the definition of “morally gray” to include anyone who’s ever done anything questionable, made a mistake, been forced to do something they wouldn’t normally do, done something for personal reasons instead of for the world at large, or wanted revenge for something, then there literally are no heroes in fiction (except maybe a few cardboard cutouts) or in real life.

(Ironically, the most morally gray thing Kaz does, imo, is something most people don’t even have a problem with: the fact he runs a gambling house to “take money from pigeons.” And even that is really mild [no one is forcing the “pigeons” to gamble their money away]. But yeah, that’s one of the few instances I could think of where he actually hurt innocent people unnecessarily. That and the time, as a kid, where he stole candy from that other kid...and even that might be mostly-but-not-entirely excused by the fact he was starving to death. But yeah.)

[whump-mania]

I Will Survive

Something a little different from what I usually write! This is a songfic inspired by “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. I made some new characters for this one, not sure if I’ll ever use them anywhere else. Enjoy! (This is a long one)

TW: domestic abuse, implied noncon attempt, dubcon, nonconsensual kissing/touching, cursing, gaslighting, use of slurs (sl*t)

~

The crowd was silent. All eyes on him. A bright, burning spotlight shining down on him. Everyone was waiting in quiet anticipation for the first note. Tyler steadied his breathing and focused on the sheet music in front of him. His fingers rested lightly on the keys of first chord of the song. A breath. A glance into the crowd. Alex was there, smiling at him. A surge of confidence flowed through Tyler as he turned back to the piano. 

He struck the first chord, which sent him into a flurry of notes arpeggiating up to the end of the intro. A nod to his bandmates sent him into the first verse of the song.

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified...Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side...”

~

“N-No, I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean it, I love y-”

“Shut the FUCK up, Tyler!” Eric was filled with rage. He had just pushed his boyfriend down onto the ground of the kitchen, Tyler’s now broken phone on the hard tile next to him.

It was all started by a text. A text that Tyler sent to his new friend, Alex. A bartender at the bar they performed at with their jazz band. He had been so kind to Tyler, coming up to him after the performance and telling him he had never heard someone play the piano as well as him. Eric was putting his trumpet away when he noticed the two talking, and he kept a wary eye on the bartender since then.

Tyler was just saying hello. He was just asking him if he wanted to meet up for coffee. As friends. That's when Eric found the texts messages and lost it, accusing Tyler of cheating on him.

“You’re fucking him, aren’t you?” Eric accused. “You think I’m not good enough for you, huh?!” 

Tyler shook his head rapidly. “No! No, please, I was just being friendly, I-”

“I don’t think I can be with you if you’re gonna be a slut,” Eric spat. “Have fun with your new boytoy.” Eric turned and left Tyler on the floor, taking his own things and heading for the door. 

“Wait! E-Eric, please!” Tyler scrambled off the floor and grabbed Eric’s arm. “I’ll do anything, please, d-don’t leave me...I love you...” 

Eric glared at him, not even needing to think about his next move. Everything was going according to plan. “Would you block him? Would you never speak to him again?” His voice dropped to a lower, vulnerable tone. 

Tyler nodded immediately. “Yes, yes, I promise, I won't even think about him, just please don’t leave...I-I’m sorry...” Tyler fell to his knees and sobbed. 

Eric grabbed Tyler’s broken phone from the floor, handing it to the sobbing form on the tile. Tyler took it instantly and deleted Alex’s contact with shaking hands. Eric smiled and embraced him.

“Good boy...I love you so much, Ty.” He stroked his boyfriend’s hair, calming his sobs. “Shh, I’m here.” Tyler melted, falling in love all over again.

~

Tyler’s eyes shut closed as he sang the next lyric.

“But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong, and I grew strong...and I learned how to get along...”

~

“He’s using you, you know.” Alex frowned at the man in front of him. 

Tyler and Alex were at the bar. Alex was working and Tyler had just finished his set. This was the only time they could see each other without Eric knowing: Eric was sick at home with the flu, and couldn’t perform in the gig. Tyler sipped his drink nervously.

“Maybe he is. Maybe he doesn’t even love me.” He took a shaky breath. “But I think I still love him, you know? And he’s my lead trumpet, and the band can’t survive without him...I-I can’t just...leave.”

Alex became more upset, but held it in so he wouldn’t upset Tyler. “I know it’s hard to leave a relationship like that.” He reached over and held his hand. “But I’m here to help you. I can stay with you the whole time, so he can’t hurt you.”

Tyler looked into Alex’s eyes. He couldn’t help but be reassured by the concerned, caring look in those brown eyes. A look he barely saw from Eric anymore, a look he had to work for. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows and nodded.

“Okay.”

~

“...And so you're back!”

Tyler tapped his foot, feeling a new rush of confidence as the rest of his band struck up and the lights shone on all of them.

“From outer space...I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me...”

He pounded the keys of the piano, not even needing to look at the sheet music. He knew exactly what he was supposed to say.

“Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore...Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?”

~

“Welcome home, Ty.”

Tyler stood, dumbfounded, in the entrance to his house. Standing there, in his own home, was Eric. Someone he thought he had finally gotten rid of. Tyler closed the door behind him. 

“W...What are you doing here? How did you-”

Eric smirked and held up the house key, the one he forgot to take from him before he told him to leave.

“I couldn’t just leave you here all alone with him. I had to come take you back...after all, he did take you from me.” Eric stepped forward.

Tyler’s eyes widened and he backed himself against the door. “W-We broke up! We had a talk, you...you agreed and everything!” Tyler’s eyes threatened to shed tears. “I thought everything was okay!”

Eric laughed. “Wow, Ty, I knew he made you a slut but I didn’t know he made you a dumbass, too!” He strode forward and pressed Tyler against the door. Tyler tried to struggle away.

“No! N-No, you can’t call me that anymore, I don’t belong to anyone!” He tried to worm his way out of Eric’s grasp, but he was locked in place.

“God, he really brainwashed you, didn't he?” Eric frowned and stroked Tyler’s hair. “You can't really believe that bullshit.” He grinned and leaned in to kiss him.

“No! Stop it, g-get away from me!” Tyler wasn’t strong enough to escape the kiss. It was aggressive, and passionate, and it brought him back. Back to the fear, to the shame, to never being good enough. Eric’s hand slithering down to his waistband sent Tyler into panic mode, screaming and pushing Eric away with all his might.

Eric snapped out of his trance of lust and glowered at Tyler. His mood changed entirely as he snarled and rushed toward Tyler, ready to fight. He lunged at him and Tyler was able to dodge him, using the opportunity to push Eric to the ground. 

Tyler took the opportunity to run to the kitchen, grabbing a rolling pin and holding it at Eric, panting.

“Get. Out.” His hands were shaking as he looked at Eric with all the rage that had been built up over his months of recovery. Eric stared in bewilderment at Tyler before stumbling up and running out the door. 

Tyler dropped to his knees. He didn’t know it would be so easy. It was almost too easy...but that didn’t matter. He was gone.

~

“Oh no, not I, I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive...I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give, and I'll survive... I will survive...hey, hey!”

Tyler belted and stood up from the piano seat, feeling stronger than he ever had before. Alex was in the crowd, beaming at how much he had grown. He cheered as Tyler continued.

“It took all the strength I had not to fall apart...kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself, I used to cry...but now I hold my head up high!”

~

“Tyler, stop! Don’t say things like that!”

“But it’s true! I-I’m disgusting, I need to go back to him, I’m being unfair...”

Tyler was sitting on his own couch, Alex by his side. He had just broken up with Eric yesterday and it was the hardest thing he had ever done. It was only possible with Alex by his side, and to his surprise, Eric left with barely any argument. 

Now, however, he regretted it all. Everything Eric said to him in the past was coming back to him, grabbing him and dragging him back to Eric’s arms. And Alex was doing his best to keep him at bay.

“Tyler, you don't owe him anything. You did the right thing, he was horrible to you, please understand that.” He looked at Tyler in the eyes, pleading. “You are not disgusting. You’re brave, and you’re beautiful, and he never deserved you.”

Tyler shook his head. “No, y-you’re lying, I’m a slut, I’m using you, I-I’m a dirty cheater, I need to go back...”

“Tyler. Look at me.” Tyler shuddered and looked at him with bloodshot eyes. Alex sighed. “I don’t want to force you into anything. But I will say this. I’ve seen the way he treats you, and it isn’t okay. You are the bravest person I know for leaving him, and I know you can recover. I...I love you, Tyler. I have for a while and I hate seeing you upset. So...I wanna see you happy.”  Alex teared up as well, quickly wiping his eyes.

Tyler stared in shock, not knowing what to say. So he didn’t say anything. He leaned forward and kissed Alex, most likely soaking his face with his tears. Alex embraced him and kissed him back. This was a start, but they still had a long way to go.

~

“And you see me, somebody new, I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you...”

~

“Uh...Eric, I dunno how safe I feel doing this...” Tyler tugged at the restraints that kept him tied to Eric’s headboard. Eric gave him a dangerous look.

“Tyler, you promised me. You’re really gonna do this to me on my birthday?” Eric raised an eyebrow, securing the knots.

“N-No, I-”

“You’re really gonna be that selfish? After all the things I’ve done for you? Remember all the stuff I gave you for your birthday? Does that mean nothing to you?” Eric feigned a hurt expression.

“Eric, no, I...” Tyler swallowed. “I’m okay. We can do this, I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Tyler smiled at him, but it was forced. He really, really didn’t want to do this, but he was afraid that it would be even worse if he kept complaining. He felt trapped, he felt chained up and restrained: in a literal and figurative sense. 

Eric smiled down at him, giving Tyler that approving, loving gaze he so yearned for. “Thank you, Ty. I love you.”

“I love you too.” The response was automatic. It was the only thing keeping him going.

~

“And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free...”

Tyler smiled and looked to Alex in the crowd.

“Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me!”

Alex laughed, blushing and clapping along with the song as Tyler went through the chorus once again. 

“Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore...Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die? Oh no, not I, I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive...I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give, and I'll survive... I will survive...I will survive!”

The crowd cheered loudly. Alex stood up, tears in his eyes. He was filled with pride watching Tyler, his boyfriend (that still felt good to say), performing on stage like this. 

Tyler’s fingers danced across the piano as he ended the song, the crowd erupting in applause when the song was over. Tyler rushed offstage and into the crowd to embrace Alex. 

He was brave. He was beautiful. And Eric never, never deserved him. 

He will survive.

[k-llama-llama]

Check Yourself

BTS AU: 8th member

Sumi x BTS

Jimin has a momentary bout of jealousy, and it prompts discussion about things to come.

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“Jimin.”

“What?”

“Why are you being pouty?” Sumi leaned back in her camping chair.

“I’m not being pouty.” He looked into the fire, pouting.

Sumi sighed, but stood, picking up her chair and waddling over, plopping her chair down right next to him. “Yes you are. Tell me why.”

“I don’t want to. You should go talk to Namjoon instead, since he’s so important to you.”

Sumi blinked as she processed his words. “What do you mean? Of course he’s-” Her eyes widened as she realized what he was talking about. “Jimin, is this because I wrote my letter to Namjoon?” She asked, referring to the letter exchange they’d done for the episode of Bon Voyage.

“No.” He crossed his arms. “Why would I be upset that you said he was your best friend and that you loved him and that you-”

“I think I said he was one of my best friends.” She corrected. “Do you wish I’d written my letter to you?”

“I wrote my letter to you.” He mumbled.

“Aw, baby...” Sumi couldn’t help but give a tiny laugh. “The producers just wanted to make sure everyone got a letter so there was variety for the show.”

“So you would’ve picked me?” He looked at her hopefully.

Sumi sighed, opening her arms. “Come here.” She said with a twinkle in her eye.

Jimin rolled his eyes, but still stood, before sitting down in her lap. The camp chair creaked under their combined weight, but held strong. Sumi wrapped her arms around her waist.

“You know it’s really weird that we do this, right?” Jimin wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“Hush, it’s not weird.” She protested. “Besides, if you’re going to act like a jealous baby I’m going to treat you like one.”

He snorted. “You don’t get to lecture me on being jealous.”

“What do you mean?” She looked at him, genuine confusion on her face.

Jimin looked away. “Nothing. By the way, have you talked to Jungkook about that tattoo artist yet?”

“Urgh.” Sumi frowned. “I’m trying to get in contact with her. I don’t know why she’d-”

“He’s an adult. If there’s anything, which he says there isn’t, he’s just as involved as she is.” Jimin tried to explain. “You should talk to him. Why are you so against it, anyways?”

“She’s not good enough for him.”

“And you are?”

Sumi stared at him for a long moment. “Are you trying to make a point?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I’m just being petty. But seriously, what would you do if he actually had a girlfriend? Or if I did? Or Joon or any of us?”

“I...” She swallowed. “I’d be fine with it.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” Jimin slid off her lap to sit on the ground. She leaned forward and rested her chin on top of his head. “But you need to be, Soo. Because sooner or later we’re going to start dating, and we need you to be supportive. We were of your relationship.”

“Can I just...have some time to come to terms with it?” She asked. “Besides, what does this have to do with you being jealous of my letter to Joon?”

“It has to do with you making fun of me for being jealous, but you being constantly jealous.” He looked up at her, his hand coming up to twist the end of her braid. “Soo, you know it would break his heart if you didn’t support him.”

She didn’t need to ask who he was talking about.

“I’d always support him. I’m just trying to look out for him. He’s so young.”

“He’s grown up.” Jimin smiled at her. “You look at him and still see the fifteen year old kid who was madly in love with you. And some of that’s still there, but he’s moved on.”

“He was never in love with me.” Sumi shook her head.”Don’t be ridiculous.”

“He was, and we all knew it. Which is why I can’t believe he kept your secret boyfriend a secret for so long. But he’s grown up now, and if he starts dating someone, it’ll be good for him.”

Sumi sighed. “I really hate when you act all responsible, you know that?”

“Someone has to.” He laughed, looking at the dying embers of the campfire. It was starting to get chilly, and everyone was getting comfortable inside the trailer, but they were content to stay out there for a while yet. “But Soo, you have to know that if...if he...if you...”

“If I what?” She looked down at him. “Just say what you need to say.”

“If he found someone, and you didn’t support him.” Jimin sighed. “It wouldn’t matter what we said, but if you...if you were even a little bit against it...if you made him choose...it would crush him.”

Sumi closed her eyes and swallowed. “I must be really horrible, huh? If you feel the need to tell me off before its even happened.”

“Hey,” He grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze. “You’re not horrible. You love us and you want what’s best for us. It just so happens that he wouldn’t tell you if you overstepped. So I’ll do it.”

She was quiet for a really long time.

“I just...my whole career, people have been telling me that I don’t deserve to be here.”

“Yah, we-”

“Everyone except for you guys.” She admitted. “You guys have had my back since day one. And...I guess I’m just terrified about what’s going to happen if you guys aren’t there anymore.”

“We’re always going to be there.” Jimin said quietly. “We’re family.”

“But someday you guys are going to enlist, or have girlfriends and families of your own. And it’s stupid and selfish but I’m just so terrified of being alone again.”

“You act like you’re the only one who won’t move on. You have Changkyun. Someday you guys are going to get married, right?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.” She gave a tiny, sad sounding laugh. “I don’t really know what he sees in me.”

“He sees the same person we all do. A gorgeous, caring, and mildly annoying girl who he loves.” Jimin thought for a second. “Almost as much as we do.”

“I’ve had sex with him, Jimin, I think he might love me more.”

“I would argue that I love you more because I haven’t had sex with you. I don’t need that added benefit to hang around.”

Sumi snorted. “Charming.”

“I know.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, staring at the bugs that flew through the smoke of the fire.

“Jimin.” She said quietly. “I’m happy we’re friends.”

“Me too.” He gave a tiny laugh. “I love you, even if you are a bit overbearing.”

“And I love you, even if you are clingy.” She kissed the top of his head. “Do you want me to write you a letter to prove how much I love you.”

“If I say yes will you make fun of me?”

“Obviously, but I’ll give it to you at breakfast tomorrow.”

[youngbounty]

Why Miles Edgeworth is my Favorite Rival Character

I consider Miles Edgeworth my favorite rival character I’ve seen thus far. Not to say there aren’t better rival characters in media or anime, but I’d say that he certainly stands out among them and perhaps would be considered a top 5 favorite. Though, what makes him stand out as a rival is something that I feel is a huge improvement from the usual rival character trope. To explain this, I will contrast what makes a rival character different from an enemy.

The biggest mistake done, in most animes especially, is making the rival character the enemy or villain. The only thing that rivals should have in common with enemies or villains are that their beliefs or opinions oppose the ones the protagonist or the character the rival opposes. It’s common knowledge that a rival will believe strongly in something that the protagonist strongly opposes. In Yu-Gi-Oh, the rival Seto Kaiba strongly believes that strength will achieve victory, while Yugi/Yami believes that a combination of skills their friends share will achieve victory. In Danganronpa, Byakuya Togami believes that everyone should play the killing game with the rules Monokuma set out as a means of survival, whereas Makoto Naegi believes that no one should participate or kill each other at all. In Dragon Ball Z, Vegeta believes in fighting in order to achieve victory, whereas Goku believes in fighting for fun and to protect his loved ones. These rivals have strongly opposing beliefs, much like enemies and villains, except that these views do not make these rivals horrible people. Many times, rivals can be a strong and reliable ally, because of their opposing views, unlike with enemies whose views are meant for nothing more than to create chaos and destruction.

The biggest problem I have with rival characters in general is that they’re often placed as jerks or bullies. I’ve found that rivals are more often vilified than they should. They’re often considered arrogant, selfish, smug and unlikable people. Byakuya Togami comes out as the kind of person that doesn’t care for the life of others or framing someone for murder for just simply annoying him. The other rivals in the Danganronpa sequels follow this trend of being unlikable, but I’ll give Spike Chunsoft credit for making them more original than the rival architype – even though one is a sociopath and the other seems to have some sort of Antisocial Disorder. Seto Kaiba also comes out as an unlikable person and is much more unlikable in the manga, if you can believe it. This guy traumatizes his brother in the manga to the point he’d make Manfred Von Karma look sane by comparison and I wish I was exaggerating. Don’t get me wrong, I love Seto Kaiba, but I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t the most unlikable person in existence. He also was a villain at first, which goes with the rival architype. Even though he did change throughout the manga and anime, the amount of cares he has for other people’s lives and taking responsibility for his actions that caused so many people harm is enough to make any politician blush. Don’t get me started on Vegeta, but at least he was willing to take responsibility for his actions in the Majin Buu Arc. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about Vegeta after that Arch or have watched Dragon Ball Super, but anything in Dragon Ball Z, you can already guess on your own.

What makes Miles Edgeworth stand out is that, despite his opposing views, he’s not a horrible or unlikable person. Now, he was setup to be unlikable during Turnabout Sisters, but then afterwards, he starts showing himself to being a very good, selfless and likable person. Miles Edgeworth is the kind of person that will give you the coat off his back, help an elderly lady cross the street or sit by you at the lunch table when there’s no one sitting with you. Even though Miles Edgeworth is dressed and can act smug at times, he constantly cares about other people’s feelings. He’d be willing to take the blame for something someone else did, because he will find some reason to feel responsible for something he didn’t do. Miles Edgeworth is the kind of person you’d want as your best friend.

Miles Edgeworth’s views still oppose to Phoenix Wright, the main character, because he believes that trust should be earned and logic will always find the truth. Phoenix Wright, on the other hand, believes that trust shouldn’t have to be earned, but accepted until evidence proves their guilt, and magic can be another way of finding the truth. These are very opposing views, but they do not make either Phoenix or Miles horrible or unlikable people. They’re human and humans will always hold opposing views that clash. Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth consider themselves friends and rivals because, while they hold strongly opposing views, they are also willing to talk or debate those views without thinking negatively about each other. Despite how much they oppose each other, they continually admire each other, because no matter how strongly they oppose each other, they still share the same goal in wanting to find the truth and deliver justice to the culprit.

It isn’t just Miles Edgeworth, the other rivals in the Ace Attorney games are also genuinely kind people that simply have opposing views or beliefs. Ironically, the characters that are considered unlikable or horrible people in Ace Attorney are the ones that are villains and those villains are the ones that try to force their own views into the judicial system or country. It’s like Ace Attorney is saying “your opposing views are not what make you horrible, but your actions from your viewpoints.” Even as the protagonist, you are never given any special treatment. If your friend betrayed and hurt you, it does not justify your actions in painting every prosecutor with a broad brush and the moment you present falsified evidence, even if you didn’t know it was false evidence, you will be the one to be judged the same way you judge everyone else. The only actions that cross the line to villainy is murder and betrayal. They’re actions that anyone with common sense will tell you and everyone universally will agree is wrong. Even actions such as breaking the law or falsifying evidence are questioned if those actions make someone a bad person. Are people like Lana Skye, the Yatagaratsu, Ron DeLite or Godot considered bad people, because one falsified evidence, two are thieves and the last killed someone?

It might seem I’m going on a rabbit trail, but the main point of this is that someone like Miles Edgeworth stands out as a rival, because he teaches us something that is hardly ever tackled in other media. Having an opposing opinion or belief does not make you a bad person. Miles Edgeworth holds strong opposing views that people these days would consider to be hateful and therefore a bad person, but he isn’t. He’s one of the kindest people you’ll ever meet and that’s a fact too many people find hard to swallow. Miles Edgeworth may be the kind of person that can’t trust everyone and wouldn’t be afraid to expose someone’s childhood trauma, but he is also the kind of person to take responsibility for his own actions. He doesn’t allow his trauma to justify his corrupt decisions he’s lived by for the past 15 years and five years of his career. The fact his PTSD is never brought up farther proves that Miles Edgeworth is not the kind of person to play victim or allow it to justify the number of innocents he’s placed behind bars or led to be executed. Not even being brainwashed under his corrupt mentor that murdered his father is ever used to justify his actions.

Miles Edgeworth teaches us how to be responsible individuals. If you’ve done something wrong, take responsibility and never use your tragedy or disability as an excuse. Apologizing is a good start, but you should strive to become a better person than you  once were. Never label someone as a bad person for having a different opinion than you. That person may become your best friend you strive to become one day. If there is someone that is treating you horribly, be an example of what they should be. Fight anger with love. If there is someone in trouble or danger, protect them, but never stoop to the same level as your adversary. If someone brings up something horrible you did in the past, never allow that to define you. Only you can decide what you will do in your life and people watch you, so make sure every action you make and words you say reflect the person you strive to be.

So many rival characters are very beloved by a majority of the fandom, but only a few are the kind of people everyone should strive to be. I consider Miles Edgeworth a rival that everyone should strive to be. The fact he is a beloved character in the Ace Attorney fandom makes me happy, because he is a character everyone should strive to be. I can’t say the same for Seto Kaiba, Byakuya Togami and especially Vegeta. All of them are horrible people that do horrible things and are treated as such. Having a rival that isn’t a horrible person, even treated as such, is a breath of fresh air. Now, I do consider Green, not Gary, from Pokémon another rival that only has opposing views and isn’t a horrible person, but most people often look to Gary when they think of Green and the mangas aren’t as popular as the anime. I’d like to see more rivals that aren’t horrible people with that “I am greater than thou” attitude.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about Seto Kaiba, Byakuya Togami or Vegeta. I do like their characters, but I also know they’re written as horrible people nobody likes. Vegeta was written as an alien that tried to destroy Earth and is now forced to live in it, because his planet was destroyed. Seto Kaiba isn’t written to be a good person either, unless being obsessed with revenge and taking it out on the protagonist, who had nothing to do with it, is considered a likable trait. Now, Byakuya Togami does strive to become a better person later on, but that’s mostly because he’s trying to survive an apocalyptic world and he often changes his strategy depending on the situation. If there’s one person that wants to kill everyone, he will trust no one but himself. If he sees that no one wants to murder anyone, he will lead them to victory. Unlike Seto Kaiba and Vegeta, Byakuya Togami was written to be a likable or unlikable person depending on where you stand with him. Spike Chunsoft did a really good job with his character and I like how, if you were to spend all your friendship links with him, you can go from being his antagonistic rival to being the best man he’ll hire as his secretary as a way to rebuild his company. So, don’t mistaken me using them as examples of the rival architype as my way of trashing their characters, because they are some of the best written characters and I consider Vegeta and Seto Kaiba legendary.

The point of this is to demonstrate what makes Miles Edgeworth one of the best rival characters. As characters, the rival architypes can be used very cleverly, but my issue is that they’re considered rivals that are vilified. In real life, not every person you fight or debate with are your enemies. Most of the time, your enemies are the kinds of people you don’t want to or should fight with. They’re the kinds you want to avoid approaching or else someone will get hurt. Rivals are those you want to fight with in order to become a stronger or better person. Byakuya Togami is debatable, but I’d never want Seto Kaiba or Vegeta to be my rivals or someone I’d want to fight with in a million years. They’d just make me a bitter person, because all they want to do is win against the one person they can’t defeat and seem to become better people once the person they are obsessed in defeating dies. I’m not kidding either. Vegeta and Seto Kaiba literally start becoming better and more responsible people once Goku and Yami bite the dust. How is someone a good rival when they only get better and stronger once their opponent dies exactly?

The idea of a rival is for them to be an opposition to the protagonist that makes the both of them better and stronger people. Miles Edgeworth and Phoenix Wright help each other become better and stronger people through their oppositions. They only become weaker once they are apart from each other. This is the kind of relationship rivals should be. They’re the kind of people that will drag you out of bed after being beaten by a gang of thugs just so you both can beat them up together or send you to hell and back for giving up. That’s the kind of relationship Phoenix and Miles have. They’re not afraid to bite each other or show tough love when needed. They’re not the kind of people that bring toxicity and no one should ever consider anybody that’s obsessed with fighting or defeating them as rivals. Those people are toxic and should never be associated with. Luckily, Yu-Gi-Oh does create nontoxic rivals (like Jack Atlas, who isn’t toxic, tries to become a better person, helps Yusei become a better person and is actually a good person and not a selfish ass) and Vegeta does get his act together after the Majin Buu Arc, though I don’t know about Dragon Ball GT or Super. As for Byakuya Togami, he goes from being a rival to being Makoto’s boss and Makoto being Togami’s doormat, so I consider that an improvement overall.

You don’t have to agree with these, but I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

[theotherwasdeath]

the ethics of being a sugar baby (stevetony, rated T, 1.8k)

At first, Steve doesn’t even notice. 

In his defense, he’s had much more important things on his mind. Namely, Tony’s chest and immediate access to it. 

Later, he’ll look back on all of these nights and call himself stupid, clumsy, too caught up in the scrape of Tony’s beard against his chin and Tony’s hands in his hair to care about anything else. The catalyst for his realization is, admittedly, quite small. It’s something Tony says to him, after they’ve worn themselves out and collapsed onto sweat-damp sheets.

“God, you’re gonna make me replace my whole wardrobe at this rate. Not that I mind, of course…” Tony trails off as he turns to him and runs his fingers lovingly down Steve’s bare chest, which is covered in rapidly-fading bitemarks. 

That pulls Steve out of the hazy, post-coital space he’d been floating in. He wraps his arm around Tony’s waist, pulls him ever-so-slightly closer.   

“What do you mean, replace your whole wardrobe?”

Tony huffs out a laugh as he turns back around, once again becoming the little spoon. “Come on, you’ve seen what you do to all of my shirts. Look at the one on the floor! Completely shredded, you animal,” he says, kicking the blanket off the bed and making himself comfortable against Steve’s body. 

Steve tenses up, then, blood running cold. Logically, he knows that Tony has money. He knows that Tony can get more shirts. He knows that this is the future, and Tony doesn’t have to stitch up his shirts with a thread and needle anymore. He knows, he knows, he knows…

Tony elbows him in the abdomen. 

“Ow! What was that for?”

“We have been over this, Steven, I am not--”

“--you are not a stress ball, stop squeezing you, yes dear, whatever you say sweetheart.” Steve rolls his eyes at Tony’s theatrics, mouth turning up at the corners despite himself.

Tony exhales in a pattern that could be construed as a laugh. “Go to bed or I’ll sell all of my lingerie.”

Steve, knowing from experience to just drop the argument, lets his eyes fall shut as he tries not to think about how much he’s cost Tony.

***

Steve is nothing if not an expert at shoving down his feelings until they boil over like a lidded pot. As such, the next time he really pays much attention to this thing of his is when Tony drags him to go clothes shopping a few days later. 

He doesn’t enjoy the errand much, but Tony had been extra persuasive, with kisses along the back of Steve’s neck, that evil little man, he knows that’s where Steve is ticklish, promises of “it’ll be fun! We never go out anymore, baby, we’re so busy, spend some time with me,” and wide, pleading brown eyes, and Steve didn’t have the heart to say no. 

Tony takes him to the corner of 30th street and 10th avenue, into a store he actually recognizes. It’s bigger, brighter, and like everything in the future, very “Tony,” but he remembers his mother’s Neiman Marcus Company catalogs with their pages and pages of factory-made clothes, that year’s new hooverette [x] circled in red. 

Of course, the two of them aren’t going to look at house dresses. They probably don’t even make house dresses or corselets [x] anymore, thinks Steve, and even if they did, Tony wouldn’t want to wear them and-- Steve stops himself before he can think about Tony in garters anymore. They’re in public, for God’s sake. 

Tony pulls him aside to the shirt racks, hands him a few dozen button ups, and ushers him into the dressing rooms. The silk feels so smooth, catching in places against the calluses on his hands, almost too perfect to be held by him.

A small, guilty feeling in his gut tells him to check the price, but the selfish part of him, the one that wants to enjoy every aspect of being Tony Stark’s latest project, ignores it. 

No, instead Steve lets Tony dress him up like his own personal fashion model, and laughs when he puts together the most atrocious eyesore of an outfit in the world [x]. The bright red fedora clashes horribly with the crystal-covered shoes, and Tony had pulled on zebra-print boxers to go with the cheetah-print shirt, telling him “it’s not like anyone who wears these boxers is gonna be concerned with pants.” 

Tony drags him out of the store after a couple of hours, after wheedling him into getting another few suits and some shoes, with promises that they’ll go get them tailored for Steve’s shoulders and legs. He thinks about how his old Captain America costume always left him chafed red around his pecs and on the inside of his thighs, and tries to not blush at how off-handedly considerate Tony can be sometimes. 

After they get back to the tower, Steve collapses into bed, exhausted from their day out. As he drifts off, the guilt comes back, this time with a vengeance. 

Neiman Marcus is obviously a pricey store. Tony must have spent thousands on you today, and you don’t even have the decency to do something in return for him? To even offer to pay him back? You’re so selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

Steve lies awake and focuses heavily on his breathing, wills his heart rate to go down, and promises himself he’ll be brave about his emotions tomorrow. 

***

That morning, he wakes up like he’s going into a warzone. In a way, he is; entering Tony Stark’s bedroom, uninvited, to snoop around? Terrifying. 

Tony is already long gone by the time Steve gets to his floor and creeps his way into the suite. The guilt makes a reappearance even as he asks JARVIS to unlock Tony’s bedroom door, his thoughts all converging on Tony’s even paying for you now. He took a day off yesterday to spend time with you, time he could have used to work on his SI projects, or the mountain of SHIELD paperwork that’s piled up lately, or anything except waste a day at a goddamn department store--

He shakes his head, tries to reassure himself with the knowledge that Tony wanted to go out with him, he wanted to spend time with him, that’s why he asked, but his heart won’t stop beating, oh God, he’s going to die at the doorway of Tony’s walk-in closet--

“Steve? What are you doing?”

He turns his head towards Tony’s voice, and now, of course, is when the second wave of panic and self-loathing hits, taking a nosedive into now Tony knows exactly how weak you are, he had to leave his job to check on you, and he tries to open his mouth, to explain himself, but all that comes out is a strangled noise as his knees threaten to give out.

Tony looks-- he looks worried, not angry. That’s not good. Steve can deal with anger, he knows how anger works. He’s not prepared for pity or concern. And that’s why he does the worst thing he could possibly do when literally backed into a corner: he lies to Tony’s face. 

“Nothing. I’m fine. I just… I missed you, this morning.”

Tony’s smarter than that, he’s always been able to see through Steve, so of course he calls him on it. “Uh huh, I missed you too, now tell me what’s going on.” He punctuates this with an eye-roll and an outstretched hand to pull Steve towards his bed.

They sit on the edge of the bed in silence for a few minutes, Steve too stubborn to talk, until Tony can’t stand it anymore.

“You know, I really don’t appreciate having my intelligence questioned, Steven Grant. It’s very unattractive. Here I was thinking that nothing you did could be unattractive and yet, you managed to prove me wrong.” Tony gives him a slight smile, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Well, Steve might as well get it over with. Rip off the proverbial band-aid. 

“How much do I cost you?”

That makes Tony stop smiling.

“How much do you cost me? What’s gotten into you?” 

“I just- you said that I’m making you replace your wardrobe because I keep destroying your shirts, and they’re so expensive, and you buy me so many nice things and I’ve never offered to pay you back, and I don’t even know if I could pay you back because I don’t even have a real job, I’m useless and you deserve someone better than me--” Steve realizes, vaguely, that he’s getting more and more choked up, and that there are tears threatening to spill.

Tony pulls Steve close, lets him rest his head against his shoulder, which feels safer than it should. 

“Is this all because of what I said in bed a few nights ago?”

Steve means to say yes, but it comes out as a wounded-sounding whimper. 

“Oh, honey, you know you don’t need to worry about that. What’s the point of sleeping with a billionaire if you don’t get to be a sugar baby?” Tony’s running a hand through his hair now, and it does a lot in the way of calming Steve down. 

“But I shouldn’t be a… a sunk cost for you! That’s wrong, I’m taking advantage.”

Tony sighs at him, then, and pulls Steve’s head up to face him. “Look at me, you’re not taking advantage. I know what that feels like.” 

Steve makes an indignant noise at that, because how dare someone try to take advantage of Tony, which makes Tony poke his nose and say, “Hey, do not interrupt me when I’m trying to have a heartfelt discussion with you! We can talk about my tragic love life later, but let it be said that I, of all people, would know what it feels like to know that someone is only with you for the money.”

When Steve doesn’t respond, just stares at Tony with bright eyes, Tony continues. “I love spoiling you. I love taking you out around town like you’re Vivian Ward and I’m Edward Lewis.”

“I don’t understand that reference.” Steve feels his eyebrows knitting together in confusion, a familiar feeling when he’s around Tony.

“Have I not shown you Pretty Woman? You’ll love it.”

“Do you really mean it? You don’t, you know, think I’m selfish? For being like this? For not, uh, contributing?” Steve is just fishing for additional reassurance at this point; he’s done being brave about his emotions for the 

Tony smiles in full force, then, and moves to sit on Steve’s lap. “Oh, I’ll show you one way you can contribute. Take off your shirt.”

Steve does.

[pastel-vampires]

The Vampire Muses. Keep in mind reading the wiki was the best source of information I could get for a majority of these characters since I can’t get my hands on the games.

Ayato Sakamaki:

Age: 16

The attention whore seeker

Likes: Takoyaki and pranking people.

Hates: Water. Ghosts/Ghost stories.

In his childhood, his mother would strictly force him into studying so he could succeed as the heir to the Sakamaki line. Often threatening him or giving him deathly punishments when he didn’t meet her expectations. This would lead to his slight fear of water, as one of the punishments involved her shoving him in a lake to drown until she decided that he should have learned something from it.

The only triplet who is left handed. Would rather play sports like basketball than sit down and study. Consumes an abundant amount of Takoyaki. His hobbies involve Basketball, glorifying himself as ‘Yours Truly’, and collecting Medieval torture chamber items as decorations for his room. (the deadly parts of them removed for when he decides to sleep in them.)

Fear him on April 1st, for he WILL find a way in pranking someone. Anyone. Once he finds a way to prank someone, he WILL take the opportunity.

Other notes: He insists on referring to himself as “Yours Truly”/Ore-sama (in Japanese it basically translates to a masculine word for ‘me/I’ with the honorific meaning ‘master’)

Total rebel. Also a bit of a tsundere but not as much as Subaru. Like the rest of his siblings, he has a hard time opening up to people. He’s closest sibling is Laito. But he also has a protective nature over Kanato. 

Headcanons: Possibly a Pansexual. Will trick/prank all of his siblings at least once per year. 

Romances: He’ll want your full attention and admiration. He’ll want your praise and approval. He’s been made to believe that he had to be the best or he was better off cast aside and dead in a lake somewhere. He fears rejection.

Kanato Sakamaki:

Age: 16 (believe it or not)

The tantrum brat/ “hysteric”

Likes: Teddy and Sweets. (And Attention)

Hates: Bitter and Spicy things. When people hold Teddy without his permission. When people do ANYTHING without his permission.

Since childhood, he has spent most of his time all by himself with only Teddy to confide in as his only trusted ally. His mother would only give him attention when telling him to sing for her, finding his voice to “warm her up” (she really messed him up by having him sing while she had her affairs. How can a kids singing arouse her? What the heck was wrong with her? What the hay? Why did she force him to do that until his vocal cords bled? How the fudge sundae?)

Other: he’s a mix of a tsundere AND a yandere, quite a deadly combination.

Headcanon: he is asexual but because of how he was raised, thinks that one HAS to enter sex at some point. Witnessing a lot of his mothers sexual affairs led him to believing that he had to give them pleasure. One of the efforts involved combing their hair. Her mothers influence has led him to believe that all women are selfish and always desires sex. If they don’t, then he sees them as prudes or just shy. He’s been left alone for so long that he was left to the mercy of his already messed up thoughts. He has a certain belief of how his little world should be and hates it when the things around him never fit in that world. 

Romances: He bites and punishes hard, but his kisses are always gentle. No matter if he’s angry or not. Never will he bite someone on the lips. Since he was left alone to play with his dolls more than his brothers, he enjoys comparing those he is fond of as dolls rather than people. 

Laito Sakamaki:

Age: 16 (believe it or not he is NOT a clone of Ayato or a slightly grown up version of him)

The manwhore

Likes: fancy things. Macarons. Crossword Puzzles

Hates: bugs and creepy crawlies. (I’m going to have TOO much fun with this)

*breathes* the insufferable “pervert’, as everyone ‘knows’ him as. He often seduces women and ‘gives them pleasure’ in his own sadistic ways. As this was the only way he could express ‘love’. (seriously their mother messed all of them up. I don’t know exactly how old he was when she started going after him for an incestuous ‘love affair’. It’s gross. And he didn’t like it. But because he was the most neglected of the trio in his childhood, this was the only form of attention she ever gave to him, and he was made to believe that this was ‘good’. It’s a really messed up situation.) He’s the most social and cheerful of the Sakamakis. 

Headcanons: He knows how to speak French, being known as the ‘romantic language’, he took an interest in it in an attempt to be more flirtatious. But during this journey into learning the French language, he discovered Macarons. Which became a genuine favorite of his. He believes that his pervert facade is real and will get offended if someone states it otherwise.

He’s bisexual, but due to the environment around him (andespeciallyhowhismothermessedhimup) was made to believe that people can only be attracted to the opposite sex

Romances: He’s a giver more than a receiver, but he likes being in control of what goes on. All he knows is sex, he doesn’t understand what love is other than that. (their mother truly messed them up. But he’ll put up a mask and think there’s nothing wrong. Even though he still doesn’t know why there are times where he doesn’t ALWAYS like having sex.)

 Subaru Sakamaki:

Age: 16

The Tsundere badboy.

Likes: bread.

Hates: social interactions. Roses (specifically white ones. This came as a surprise since he’s always in the rose garden.)

Due to a… LOT of emotions bottling up since he was a kid, he has a tendency in lashing out and punching inanimate objects in order to process his festering anger.

He’s the only one who had even a small- or even a semblance- of a healthy bond with his mother, but she became mentally unstable and had to be locked up in a tower (Rapunzel?) there would be times where she would have ‘episodes’ and only he was able to handle them. This warped his gentle nature into a more protective self, and as time went on, into a festering wrath. This only worsened after she pleaded for him to kill her. Hence the knife that he is often seen holding. One that is able to kill vampires.

He gets irritated easily. He doesn’t have any hobbies. He spends most of his time either looking at the rose garden or hermit it up in his coffin (he sometimes adds things to make it feel more comfortable.) He’d much rather stay in a coffin than attend anything. 

Notes: his mother used to sing him to sleep when he was a child. (absolutely adorable) He was the only vampire to give Yui a chance of escaping, even giving her his silver knife to defend herself. Maybe even kill him if needed. 

Headcanons: He doesn’t have taste. He likes bread okay because of the texture, but his tongue can’t even recognize sour things. This might be caused by his mother having poisoned him at some point and had a lasting effect? But highly unlikely because of vampire regeneration properties.

Yet another left handed boi.

 Kou Mukami

Age:17

The Two-Faced model

Likes: cats. Dancing.

Hates: pain.

This pretty boy has had... quite an unfortunate life. Thanks to the horrible events that took place in his childhood, Kou views the world as a ‘give and take’ view. And it will be quite a while before anyone can change that world view. Because of this, he will often portray a friendly, cheerful, and complimentary personality. But he will always expect something in return for his behavior and ‘gifts’. If he gives a bouquets of roses, he expects something to make up for it in return. 

He has a job as a model and is often surrounded by girls at the night school he attends regularly. Which he doesn’t particularly care for. (He is literally the only one in the family with a job.)

Major Trigger warning here: He was raped as a child. Don’t tell me he wasn’t, what the crap did those people DO to him? They hurt him even when he gouged out his own eye in a desperate attempt to make himself flawed so they would leave him alone. But that didn’t work and somehow they saw that as making him more desirable? He has nightmares often because of this and will cling to whatever is around him in an attempt to hide from the horror of reaching hands. He often clings tot he things around him every night because of these reoccurring night terrors. He was given a glass eye that allows him to see people’s true intentions.

Headcanons: He has an immaculate hunger and can- and WILL- eat more than his fair share if those around him aren’t careful. Guard your food while he’s around!

Notes: another left handed boy.

 Azusa Mukami:

Age: 17

The ONLY option for a Masochistic boy.

Likes: collecting knives is his hobby

Dislikes: neglect and being hated.

As a child, he wandered the street with no real purpose. Thanks to a group of children who thrived in beating him, he believed that his only self worth was to be used for pain. Hence he has grown a fascination of it. Whether it is to give or receive pain, Azusa is there for it. He’s slow in movement as well as talking. Often seen spacing out. But is probably the only sweet-heart of a vampire in the entire show. If a little pushy at times. 

He names his limbs after the children who had injured them enough to leave scars, since they were killed and he was left without a purpose once again. This was before he was sent to a orphanage and met Ruki, Yuma, and Kou who became his family.

Notes: his hobby is collecting knives. (Yet another left handed boy.) He is ‘weak against heat’ (I imagine he melts into sleep like a cat when finding this out) he is able to fall asleep standing up. (that’s pretty impressive)

Headcanons:  He’s a very respectable boy and often speaks mostly in respect. Albeit a little pushy at times. His brothers often worry about him and have to make sure that he eats enough at their breakfast, Lunch, and dinner, since he doesn’t do a good job in taking care of himself.

[whataplottwistyouwere]

My answer to @ottogatto

We have. Every right. To dislike a character. And like another. Especially if they are very different. No matter if it bothers you.

Okay first of all, of course I have no right to tell you what you should say or what you should think.

What I meant was you say Snape is a grey character and you said he bullied, yes. But you forgave him. And yet you can’t forgive James Potter. Who bullied Snape,yes. But who became an amazing person. He was whiter than Snape.

Theres one thing I still can’t understand. HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY SNAPES BULLYING AND NOT JAMES’S. Of course you can hate James, but you can’t hate him for his bullying; because yourself, is supporting a bully. Which means you have unreasonable hatred AGANIST James.

And of course you can have it. It’s your life and you can do whatever you want. But you have to UNDERSTAND THAT HE WAS A BULLY TOO.

And as much as you have the right to hate James I have the right to hate Snape. And I know you are aware of it.

I understand people liking Snape, but there’s two things I can’t stand. People hating James and people shipping Snily🤮🤮🤮. Im fully aware that everyone can have their opinions. But when i posted a funny post about “Albus S**erus”’s name IN MY OWN BLOG people attacked me.

I didn’t ever blame James for protecting his friends -- I literally said that was “Good” or “Great”. I literally said that the fact he joined the Order was good. I didn’t forget it. I pointed out his flaws just like you exclusively did on Snape’s part.

Yes, but no one wants to read James’s good traits and when they do; they say “good” “great”. The thing you say “good” and “great” to is him risking his own life for the wizarding world. I think he deserves more than “good”

And everyone is so focused on what James did as a 15 year old, a teenager; no one wants to see him as an adult. I’m so sad for James. Can you imagine it? You Do your best for your family and for the wizarding world and get hated because you bUlLiEd a death eater. I’m sure you all went to Highschool. Is every snape’s Fans are saints? No. Did you do nothing bad?!

Snape did everything I talked about as an adult. But Snape Fans ARENT over what a 15 year old boy did! So I’ll discuss that for hours.

There is no evidence that Snape killed people, you made it up (unless you count how he led Lily and James to their deaths, despite his efforts to prevent this). In fact, his position as a spy clearly states that he wasn’t on the battlefield slaughtering people. On the contrary, Voldemort sent him to try and have him as a spy teacher, which means that Snape couldn’t be known to kill people in the meantime. We have further evidence: Bellatrix does blame Snape for “always slithering out of action” as a spy, which point out that as a double-agent (and later as Dumbledore’s spy), he tried not to kill people. On the other hand I could say that James could have killed people. Why not? If McGonagall says “we fight to kill” and if James hate those Death Eaters so much he could have killed the people of the other side.

You said Snape probably didn’t kill anyone because he was a spy. You are wrong. Snape became a spy after Lily died. So in the First Wizarding War, he wasn’t a spy. He was a death eater on the field. Also Bellatrix Blamed Snape on HBP, which is the Second Wizarding War. I never said snape killed people in the 2.WW. I said in the the First wizarding war.

James was an auror. Of course he killed people. He killed Death Eaters. ITS NOT A BAD THING LMAOOOOOO. Every auror killed Death Eaters. Dumbledore,McGonagall,Sirius,Remus, and literally everyone who fought for the right side

The level of Fred and George’s hexing -- even though I don’t like how they burned a hold through Ron’s tongue, imprisoned Montague in a limbo, and killed an animal for fun -- doesn’t reach at all the level of bullying James and the Marauders perpetrated. In fact, Harry thinks, in OotP, that even Fred and George wouldn’t do what they did.

Ohh, you don’t like Fred and George too. To be honest , I’m just repeating myself at this point. If you don’t like Fred and george, how can I expect you to like James.

WE CALL IT PRANKS. OF COURSE I DONT SUPPORT ALL OF FRED&GEORGES ACTIONS NOR MARAUDERS’s ACTIONS. But you hate them for their pranks (yeah, I’ll say pranks because what they did to Snape was mutual. “Snape Never missed a time to hex James” THIS IS CANON. Yes, he might not have tried to curse James after that exam. BUT IT DOESNT MEAN HE NEVER DID!!! BUT YES BLAME AN AMAZING MAN WHO FOUGHT FOR THE RIGHT SIDE, FOR ONE FRICKIN MEMORY. This whole story is one sided because we only saw James bully not Snape)

He used Dark Magic as self-defense in SWM -- the Marauders chocked him, tormented him, sent him to his death, sexually assaulted him. Dark Magic could have been punished by the professors. Doesn’t excuse the Marauders for bullying. Whether. Or not. They use Dark Magic. What’s the point of repeating myself though if you don’t want to understand my points in my previous answer?

Okay don’t trying to be rude, but aren’t you a little bit dramatic here. “Chocked him, tormented him,.....” LMAOOO. Im sorry but you cant prove that they s*xualy assualted him because it was never said that they removed his underwear or not. Also dark magic SHOULDNT be considered. YES YOU HAVE TO STICK UP FOR YOURSELF BUT DARK MAGIC ISNT THE ANSWER. And if you think, using dark magic is acceptable; I don’t think I can change your mind

Also in the Werewolf Incident, it’s %100 Sirius’s fault. I will not defend him. But I’m sure he didn’t want him to die. But James risked his life for Snape. Also you said “why Snape would ask forgiveness for his bully [to Voldemort]” Because when you are a nice person, you don’t care whether you like this person or not. You don’t want anyone to die. Even if that’s your biggest enemy. Don’t I have people who I hate? yes. But I would never want their death. And so didn’t James, so he saved Snape’s life’s . But sure , ignore this too.

Snape said that what Mulciber/Avery/other Slytherins did to Mary (and we don’t know what that was) is a joke -- he uses the same excuse as the Marauders in front of Lily, who bites the bait. This allows him to point out to Lily that they are no different. I do wish not to repeat myself about how Hermione mutilated someone’s face and gets out with it, though it could have been Dark Magic as well, seeing how it can’t get off and how serious this is (doesn’t mean I hate her -- I actually like Hermione).

I don’t love Hermione, and I don’t know if it’s dark magic or not; so I don’t think I can argue about that. But however, I want to point something out. Snape said “it was a joke” to Dark Magic while Marauders used prank spells

See the difference ?

Okay so, you can’t stand James bullying and I can’t stand Snape bullying. But they were teenagers, weren’t they? Okay. I’ll hypothetically forgive Snape for what he did as a teenager and you’ll hypothetically forgive James for what he did as a teenager

All of the reasons you hate James is from his teenager hood (?). You are hating a 15 year old CHILD. Okay. Let’s skip to the adult part. Who was a death eater as an adult and who was a member of the OOTP as an adult. Every Snape fan loves Lily. And lily loves James. Do you think James gave Lily drugs and made her fall in love LMAOOOOO. In the end of the day LILY CHOOSE JAMES. Lily is no one’s property and she doesn’t belong with Snape. She’s her own person and she choose James. If James is that horrible person you keep talking about how do Lily love him? How do McGonagall and all of the teachers love him. I was trying to stay calm when I wrote 728281 essays. But I keep repeating the same thing because no one reads them and they just reply from their deliusuonal world. I was on my phone all day, and I did nothing else. Of course, no one is forcing me and I love debating. But my essays don’t change anything at all!! I feel like I wrote them for nothing and I keep repeating it.

It isn’t confirmed that if Lily’s son hadn’t been threatened then Snape wouldn’t have changed sides. You made it up. Because guess what? I can still say he would have changed sides because he was growing disgusted by Voldemort’s actions, or because he couldn’t bear knowing that Lily was undergoing too much danger. And what if he wouldn’t have changed sides? Doesn’t matter, because he did it in the end, which doesn’t make it less brave. There are a bunch of heroes who wouldn’t have lifted a finger for the right cause hadn’t their loved ones been threatened (Katniss, Eren, etc) and yet does it make them less heroic? No because you don’t only judge someone by their initial motive -- but by their actions. Snape was the reason many were saved -- including Harry, Hermione and Neville, mind you. Which would make me repeat again my earlier poin

Yes it is confirmed. This question was asked to JKR in 2007(I’m sorry I’m not sure about the year) JKR wasn’t a bad person back then, and the books/movies were JUST released. Someone asked “would snape change sides if Lily wasn’t in danger” and she answered “no. he probably wouldn’t, I don’t think so” which is another proof that, snape changed sides because of his own selfish reasons.

And you are wrong about the hero thing. If lily wasn’t in danger, snape would contiune being a death eater and kill innocent people. Of course Katniss wouldn’t volunteer if her loved ones weren’t in danger. But even if Katniss didn’t volunteer. She was a nice person. Even before she volunteered she was a hero who tried to help people. The problem I have is if lily wasn’t in danger snape would kill innocent people. If Prim wasn’t in danger would Katniss kill innocent people? no. She would’ve continued living. That’s the difference.

Also as I said before I have an amazing discussion why Snape isn’t brave. Please read that because I’m so tired of repeating myself. My problem isn’t with Snape. My problem is him being overrated and him being “the bravest man” but he actually isn’t

I’ve already proven to you that bullying is always one-sided (especially 4-on-1 bullying) and that Snape “didn’t bully James back” but was actually trying to mind his own business -- that what Sirius says is what bullies typically say to blame the victim and thus sees his words put into question.

As many Snape Fans you are making excuses and the excuse here is “Sirius’s POV is biased”.

But what if it’s not. You can’t hate someone because of the possibility of Sirius having a biased POV. It’s only a possibility.

And you know what else is a possibility. Snape’s POV might be biased too. What if he’s overreacting. It’s his own memory. We cant be sure it’s %100 true.

Yet I act and answer like it’s %100 true because we have no proof that says otherwise. Same with Sirius, you have to act like it’s canon.

Also if James didn’t change why would Lily marry him. You can’t say Lily’s mind was biased, can you? LMAOOO

Indeed he bullied Neville and Harry. Wow. Big news of the Earth. But do rest assured that Snape, if given the choice, wouldn’t have stayed a teacher. He was a spy, not a teacher. He was an adult, and what do the other adults in HP? Molly tells her children to respectfully call him “Professor Snape”, Lupin says that Snape was right in some points, McGonagall stays friends with him, the other professors seem to quite like him, Dumbledore let him be harsh/bullying. Well I mean, when McGonagall uses death threats as punishment and shames Neville, when Trelawney shoves a book in Neville’s belly in rage, when Flitwick shrieks at his students and throws Trevor at the other side of the classroom -- because if you hadn’t read it, Neville was said not to be coddled in other courses as well -- when at least half of the teachers in Hogwarts should go have a check with an organization that tells them how to behave, I’m not going to blame Snape only. Personally I would have left the school the moment I knew the professors and Dumbledore allowed extreme bullying to occur, left barely punished.

Oh poor Snape. Did he do a job he hated!!! HOW CAN YOU USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE. HE BULLIED CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN HE WAS RESPONSIBLE OF. AND HIM NOT WANTING JOB IS AN EXCUSE!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. This is absolutely no excuse. None of us do what we want to , but you can’t take your anger or your hatred from innocent children

I explained to you the Boggart. It’s up to you to listen or no.

Of course I listened to you, but I don’t think it has explanation nor an excuse. What he did was unforgivable and unjustifiable

Snape changed and I have given you the evidence. That he didn’t act nice -- even that I would partially explain as being his play as a deep cover double agent. What would Voldemort do if he learned that he coddled Neville? And really, he mostly wanted Neville to try and once succeed at following recipes, not making the potion explode or melt the cauldron along with his feet. Did he go out of his way to track Harry and Neville down to assign them detention? Did he mock Neville for being the child of vegetative parents? Clearly you haven’t seen the worst.

Clearly I haven’t seen the worst!!! Excuse me!! He humiliated him in front of Slytherins which ended up him getting bullied. He ruined his self esteem and he wasn’t able to do anything. He already had a hard childhood and he made him feel like a piece of sh** PLEASE DONT TRY TO MAKE AN EXCUSE. SNAPE FU**ED UP NEVILLES CHILDHOOD AND HIS MENTAL HEALTH. DO YOU THINK ITS OKAY. “It IsNt ThE WoRsT” I THOUGHT THIS TOPIC WAS OFF DEBATABLE. BULLYING A CHILD YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE OF ISNT OKAY.

I mean, Snape did become a young adult and tried to cope with what he lived. Wanna know how? He came to think that emotions were weaknesses (indeed it could cost his life), that discipline was essential, that rule-breaking was intolerable, and that you must be rigorous in your work. That those who “hold their hearts on their sleeves” are foolish and weak. Ah yes, that happens when you lived the last 22 years in the very place in which you were bullied, without access to any psychological help.

To be honest I don’t know why I’m discussing this with you, if you have this moral!!! HARD DISCIPLINE WAS NECESSARY!!!! THIS ISNT HARD DISCIPLINE THIS IS BULLYING. ACCEPT IT.

Still - I understand if you don’t like Snape for his bullying attitude. What I don’t agree with, on the other hand, is how you claim that Snape’s Patronus was a sign of obsession. I wonder what that makes Tonks then, whose Patronus changed as well? Or Harry having his father’s Patronus (oof)? Besides assuming that Snape’s Patronus changed at all -- you say that true love isn’t obsession. Guess what? Patronuses represent true love. Snape wasn’t obsessed, but James showed obsessive misogynistic behavior against Lily -- I proved it twice. If you’re going to tell me that characters can’t have Patronuses of the other sex and that Patronuses of different sexes (male/female) are the true sign of love while Patronuses of the same gender equals obsession then I’m going to call you homo/queerphobic. Yeah, have you thought about what those later assumptions meant?

If you want to I can discuss why James and Lily are soulmates. Why Jily is superior and why Snily is even disgusting to think.

Snape didn’t ruin Harry’s childhood. Voldemort did. If not for Snape Harry would have had no childhood. Especially when you know that the only reason Lily was given a choice to sacrifice her life for Harry (thus giving blood protection) is because Voldemort was convinced by Snape to spare her. If Snape hadn’t asked this, Lily would have had no choice but to die, and Harry would have followed. Must I mention how Harry would have been killed at 11 if not for Snape.

Also let’s love snape; who supposedly protected Harry. “You know what Harry, your mom didn’t loved me 82929 years ago also your dad was cooler than me, so I will treat you and your friends like sh*t

He never changed nor matured. He didn’t move on from Lily but he abused Harry because of his father.

Also thank you Snape for not killing Harry at 11. If Dumbledore told his suspicions to any other teacher, they would’ve done the same. Thank you Snape for not letting Harry fall from his broom.

And indeed it’s the same thing over and over again: I have the right (and the reasons) to dislike James and love Snape, just as you have the right (and the reasons) to dislike Snape and love James.

I won’t force you to like anyone. But you can’t + shouldn’t hate James because he was a bully. Snape was a bully too. You cant love a bully but also hate a bully. You should find more reasons to hate him. But it’s really hard to find reasons to hate James Potter who sacrificed himself for the world. Of course we will only focus on what he did as a 15 year old child. But what snape did at 15 has 392929 excuses.

Thank you for discussing this with me in an humane way. I highly encourage you to read my previous posts because I mentioned everything. Literally everything. I’m repeating myself at this point

[oldfritz]

this was surprisingly hard because half of them I wanted to throw in f, but then felt guilty about it so here’s where we are. explanations under the cut to be nice (fair warning: I’m writing this while tipsy so this is a journey)

S-tier

Old Fritz: look me in the eyes. look at me. are you looking? good. where else was I was going to put him? where? in C with the other losers? foolish. I am ruining my life for this man, I’m going to go into debt so I can be moderately qualified to write books on him so Tim Blanning and Christopher Clark don’t boo my off the stage. I sit here sometimes and I’m like ‘y’know, I would start a podcast to talk about his life’ as if I’m some straight white guy who thinks any of you want to listen to me for an hour. he’s a bastard, a smug bastard, and is the epitome of self-destructive tendencies. and, honestly, I wouldn’t mind if he wasn’t so fucking misogynistic all the time. ‘oh women aren’t fit to rule’ shut up Fritz before I time travel to fuck your wife and make her have one night where life feels worthwhile. but he’s funny, I enjoy how he does foreign policy, and he’s unfortunately relatable to me. cheers, Fritz. here’s to never being satisfied from one gay disaster with anger issues to another. may we burn in hell together

A-tier

Friedrich iii: “Suzanne, he was only on the throne for 99 days!! how can he be this high up when some of these bastards refused to die?” I hear you, my friends, and I have answers. I’ll tell you two words you’ll be shocked to hear put together: liberal Hohenzollern. a rare breed, isn’t it? imagine, friends, a world where he got over his throat cancer because he listened to a doctor and we get through the 1910s, 20s, even the 30s without Wilhelm II Electric Boogaloo being in power. Prussia is still on the map, the Anglo-Prussian alliance is strong, and I live in peace. but no. this stupid man had to keep smoking. because he’s selfish and doesn’t care about my needs. you know, he actually loved his wife. rare in this family. loved her and wasn��t abusive. the bar is so low, guys. and his wife is amazing too, Victoria. the world would’ve been in competent hands if they’d been in power longer (and Bismarck would’ve been out of a job still but at least these guys are smart. their son inherited grandma Vicki’s IQ). I would sleep with both of them and would thank them for the honor (when it should always be the other way around, remember that)

B-tier

Friedrich I: if your name is Friedrich and only Friedrich, we’re buds. that’s my rule. I have to give him credit where credit’s due. he was the first. while I agree with Fritz in his proscription that he was ‘small in big ways and big in small ways’ (I may have flipped that around), he wasn’t a bad guy. he just was born into the wrong job for him. I appreciate that he rode on his father’s coattails of proving useful to the Habsburgs and did a little himself to get that sweet, sweet kingship. smart move. I also like that he saw Louis XIV and said to himself “I stan, I kin, on God we’re gonna do that’ and tried. only for have his stupid, ungrateful, unclassy son to do away with that. I, too, am a woman of luxury and self-indulgance and if I had all the riches of Brandenburg and Prussia at the time (not much), I would spend them ridiculously on outfits and music and art. now, what did he do as king? what policy legacy did he leave behind? that’s a good one :)

C-tier

Friedrich Wilhelm III: now as a king he sucks. and I stand by this because, you know, he lost to him *imagine me pretending to be short and saying ‘oui, oui’ in a bad french accent*. and as any proper Englishwoman I can’t support a monarch who goes around losing to the French unless their name is Mary I. but, he’s a pathetic little man. he really is. so indecisive, so unsure of himself. what are you doing little guy? you think because your last name is Hohenzollern, God thinks you’re a good king? well it is like 1805 and, while divine right isn’t really being used as much, it’s as good as any reason on why you’re the chosen one and my family is eating dirt in Sicily and on the Scottish border. he’s really just a dude, nothing extraordinary about him except that his wife was the only one with brains and was the first to establish that (sorry Wilhelm I). he cried when he found out that his children didn’t call him ‘papa’ and went into a deep depressive state when his wife suddenly died. he’s an average man, of average abilities, but of big heart. and the big heart is what bumps him up, for me, from his old place as an F to a C. though, his moralizing is tedious

Friedrich Wilhelm II: this man should have partied with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards. everyone’s got that one ruler whose all about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. for the US it’s JFK, for the UK it’s Margaret Thatcher Charles II, France has Louis XIV. Prussia has this guy and we should thank him. so many mistresses, so much sex, so much revelry and debauchery and sin! this guy’s personal life is like a treasure trove of political and sexual intrigue. if you’re into that - as I am as a town gossip - you’ll love him. I am constantly amazed by the fact that some STD didn’t kill him. syphilis, herpes, crabs. something, man, anything. but he didn’t. he’s a shit king though. absolutely horrible. all he did was whine that he didn’t get taught anything by Uncle Fritz and, yes, that’s not good if it’s true (but it’s not completely because the treatises are detailed but I guess he didn’t have time to read) but c’mon. actually apply yourself and learn on the job. I know that would’ve required him to not be balls deep somewhere, but unfortunately he’s not Dorian Gray. there’s work that needed to be done and he didn’t do it. boo!!

D-tier

Wilhelm I: apparently he was a good guy, unlike the other 3 who populate the lowest rungs of Prussian kinghood. so I give him that and I can respect that. but what did he do? what were his own ideas? I thought about putting Bismarck as king instead because, really, he was. Bismarck was a minister who ran around the king’s back to set things up exactly as he liked and it fucking worked because he was the brains. his wife was intelligent too, but theirs wasn’t a wamr and loving marriage. and Bismarck worked to get Wilhelm to distrust her because she was liberal and the fact that Wilhelm would listen to Otto even if it meant allowing himself to be drowned in the Rhine is pathetic. fun party at Versailles though. hope it was worth the war reparations

F-tier (bastard time) I’m going in a different order because I want to go from the ones I hate least to most xoxo

Friedrich Wilhelm IV: “I won’t accept a crown from the gutter” then you won’t accept a crown at all, stupid idiot! god, the smugness. the authoritarian impulses. I know it was the cool thing in 1848 to put down any revolts/protests with as much force as possible, but man, at least the Habsburgs were transparent. homie was like “yeah guys lol I’ll make a constitution and it’ll be epic! you’ll have so many rights! xoxo gossip girl” and then...nope. and AND he wanted the Habsburgs in charge of things too! Mr. ‘I’m Nostalgic For When HRE Was Great And We Blew Austrian Dick!’ grow up man. it’s Prussia time buddy, Austria is beginning to fall apart. don’t look to the past, look to the future, but you didn’t have that vision did you?

Wilhelm II: *banging pots and pans* I blame this man for everything! now, intellectually, does Germany take all the blame for WWI? no, that’s foolish and propaganda of the Allies only. if you’re a European power in 1914, you get to share the blame (ex: why did UK need to make this a naval arms race? Austria should’ve declared war on Serbia sooner if that’s what it wished to do. Russia, please stay out of the Balkans then and forever). but does my irrational hatred of Wilhelm blind me to this truth when I see his stupid face and that ugly fucking mustache that I wish to yank off? my god, yes. I see him and Rule Britannia and The Yanks Are Coming start playing so loud in my head and I’m like ‘yeah, the kaiser’s gonna pay.’ I’m sorry that Bismarck’s ego was bigger than yours but did you have to prove him right by getting incompetent buffoons who were playing checkers when he set the board up for chess to replace him? Did you have to prove Freud right by displacing private problems onto public life with your little tit-for-tat with George IV (VI?) because his mummy loved you more? Why did you need to fuck every naval vessel you saw like an inferior of Peter the Great who believed he was Sir Francis Drake? but that’s just the first war and he lived to see things setting up for the second. wasn’t in convenient for you to be close with the N@zis when you thought they might want a king back on the throne and you could reclaim your little tyrant. like every goddamn Prussian conservative or Junker, you thought you could play the tyrannical cockroach. sure, you figured out earlier that he was no pal, but you still collaborated and you still allowed yourself to get played like the weak man of conscience you are. cheers!

Friedrich Wilhelm I: ladies and gentleman, the moment you’ve all been waiting for! the biggest bastard straight outta Berlin, FW1! and who doesn’t love an abusive father? who doesn’t love a man, so insecure and pathetic, that he needs to terrorize children to be able to look at himself and have a little pride. I understand that it was because he wanted his kids, specifically Fritz, to be best. but being best and perfect meant being miniature versions of him and aren’t we supposed to want our children to be better than a carbon-copy of a small man? honestly, I could live with the occasional smack for this time period. it’s within the norm and, while horrible, isn’t irreparably damaging. this guy really had to beat the shit out of Fritz and Wilhelmina and I’m sure Augustus and Henry and Amalia and all the others (so many kids) didn’t get spared either because if you hit one, you’ll hit ‘em all. and I judge them for their flaws all the same but, for some of them, it gets hard to. because what fighting chance did they have when their father was telling them how worthless they were and beating them senseless and threatening death and life imprisonment on some? I’m constantly impressed by Henry and Fritz and Wilhelmina for amounting to any semblance of maturity, even though it’s always fleeting, because this man didn’t give them the tools to be functioning adults. but each of them managed to be greater than their father, as did Amalia managing a really cool coup in Sweden. and what did FW1 get? he built up his army, had a tall guy fetish, increased the treasury, and made the cabinet and executive offices more efficient. there used to be this one guy on here that would argue that that was all a good king made and that this lowlife didn’t deserve the contempt he got by some on here (an obvious vague of me) for his behavior as a father. and maybe I’m a crackpot, but I believe the quality of a man outshines all those other achievements and that that’s meaningless to me, in my personal life. and when I get to hell, before I go to any of these other men, I’ll go to him and ask him how hell’s fires feel because, if his God was real, it would never love him. and that’s beautiful

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

You're the worst

I get it, I can childish af sometimes. And prank texting you with 3 unknown numbers to make you paranoid, was probably just a passive aggressive way to see how you were doing, but to also make you think about me because I'm a selfish brat when it comes to someone or something that I want.

I'm adult enough to admit that.

Its funny when I could tell you saw that it was me, you switched up and acted like you were someone else. And told me I had the wrong number. I guess if you were petty enough to use an app to block me back on instagram, yea im pretty sure this was your way of saying "hey, i don't wanna talk to you"

But you said "Alright sweetie" with the wave emoji 👋. You're the only person that I know who uses that emoji when you say goodbye, bye, or Alright.

You're an asshole.

So I said "bye brodie 👋." Cause thats what you used to call me...before this shit got out of hand. When there was no sex involved. Just pure, natural, fun friendship.

You runaway from me again like an armadillo, but it felt like a porcupine cause it stung. It would have felt better if you hadn't even responded at all. I really didn't even expect you to respond at all...

So yea its official. I'm gone and I'm staying gone. Cause you act like you don't want me here. that's fine. Im better on my own. You were a deserter anyway.

But you don't care. Cause that's what ghosts do. No matter how much I would make an effort for you to see me and not hurt me by leaving...you still did it anyway. Even when I left, chose to protect me. You still act like a victim. Like I did you wrong. Just as bad as you did me. You're a fucking pig. And I don't need your approval. You've poisoned me rotten enough.

Fuck off, fuck you. Good luck to your snotty nose gf. She needs to get her apnea checked out.

Stuck with yo dirty ass for nothing.

God I need a better loving woman. Cause this one was cold as ice and a cheater. She would have just cheated on me too. Cause she don't see my value or care to even appreciate as a person. Just a sex toy.

All I need is love. Cause sex is overrated. And you were a horrible friend in the end. Adios you treacherous beast. I'm pretty sure the next girl you fuck won't stay long, cause you're an asshole to everyone else. You don't like being told when you're wrong and you don't like people saying no, you just want them to praise you and obey you. Misogynist with black lustful eyes.

Yea you're a predator. Distance, because I don't need you.

I don't need you reminding me of your stupid ass opinion, "that im not on your level"

Yea, because your level is beneath. I can walk over guys like you now. Nothing new to see. Just a crippled child, looking for someone to be just like her. Misery loves company, doesn't it?

Well, hell you marrying the right one once you say you can afford it, even though i know you guys are holding off on the wedding at the courthouse so you can still fuck other people....You're trash and she's miserable. Both of y'all take your pain out on other people. Have fun in Tallahasee, stinkworm. Or should I call you a bitch?

No, you would probably like that...don't wanna blow up your napoleon complex with too many compliments. Cause you get cocky quick, but you insecure af. Cause you ain't ever met a woman like me.

And don't you ever think that I needed you more. Cause I'd rather be with someone who loves me for me, brains, hearts and all. My sensitivity isn't a problem. You are. Cause you aren't the one for me.

Never should a girl marry a bully who wants you to worship them and "obey" them. Bitch, you ain't my daddy. Fuck off. Fuck you and this situationship.

[bayern-moni]

Pair Questions part 1/2 featuring Gin and Aizen

This time no ship intended, but it will be rectified in another post. Enjoy ~

Who steals the covers at night?

Gin. He's a cold blooded creature, literally and metaphorically. His skin always feels too cold not to bury himself in the covers for all the span of that goddamned season. He doesn't care if his claim on the covers leaves his unfortunate bedmate damned to a frosty fate all night, nor does he have problems to brutally kick out of bed whoever tried to make fun of him by putting a cold foot in the vicinity of his own. He is selfish like that and doesn't know remorse. Or maybe, he could feel sorry if that other person were the cute Izuru-chan (but then his most sadistic part would revel in the wait until his too respectful Lieutenant'd overcome his qualms and actually start to fight for the covers) or he could decide to suffer himself the cold and leave the blanket to Rangiku like he did when they lived in that shack as kids, but if that other person happened to be Aizen, then he'd have absolutely no qualms about it. The dark-haired shinigami could and would die of frostbite before Gin actually accepted to give up that pleasurable warmth. After all, the wannabe god is too superior to actually lower himself to start a pillow fight to get it or start listing actual reasons why he had a greater right than his second (stressing that word too much for his taste) to be covered by the blanket, wasn't he?

But ... was he?

Who cooks normally?

Aizen. There'd be a cold day in hell before he let this change. It took him too many years to get his little Lieutenant to understand the difference between 'survival food' and 'actual food' to afford now to have him fall back into his old habits. And the Rei-o knows what he'd do If he decided to purposely mess with the first kind of food to get a good laugh at Aizen's horrified face. Again. How could he forget that time when, during the first days of his training under Aizen's tutelage, Gin decided to thank him for his supposed generosity with a 'sumptuous lunch' (his words)? Go trust that little hellchild. Aizen's stomach wanted to vomit only at the memory of it. When the pest put the plate full of mice and insects, "killed just for the occasion" said proudly the child, in front of him he was torn between the the strong impulse to throw up and the need to examine closely Gin's body language to discern if he sincerely believed that was a satysfing meal or if he just exploited his Rukongai upbringing to make him suffer. Probably the latter.

... And those awful dried persimmons...

When he looked at the genuinely expecting and just a tad mischievous look the kid was giving him, he understood it was a balanced mix of the two. Right then, he decided two things:

Gin would never be allowed to get close to his kitchen again without a real, convincing and absolutely necessary life-or-death reason;

He had to take the problem in his own hands because: first, no way that the future king of the three worlds will ever eat something like that, ever, and, secondly, it was his duty to bring that too scrawny and bony hellion to health.

He could not have his future second in command be weak or die because of the consequences of starvation before he could make himself useful to him. It was a pragmatic matter. Regardless of all the times that moron of Hirako made fun of his attempts because "aren't you too old to play family, Sousuke-kun?" or "did you really adopt the kid, don't you? How 'cute'!". It was just that. But then he continued to encourage Gin's insatiable appetite until he was satisfied with his now not dangerous weight and even found that he really liked cooking for both of them, it was a relaxing hobby for his abused patience. Kaname's recipes and passion for cooking helped, too.

Nickname for each other?

Hellion. Wanna-be-God. Reptilian calamity. Overdramatic narcissist. And so on. Not very difficult saying who's what.

What would they get each other for gift?

Kamishini no Yari's poison A guide on "how to survive your obsessed fangirls and still look cool". A set of dried sweet potatoes to thank him for the time Gin raided his fridge of all its contents and filled it with 12 kilos of hard-boiled eggs. How he managed to put them there without making the fridge explode was beyond him, but still. He'd be sure to make Gin pay for it.

What would they do if the other one was hurt?

It depends. On what, you'd ask. It's quite simple. It depends on who is responsible for the other's wound/hurt. If it were each other, then they'd be perfectly cool with it and not bother too much for it, just plot a gruesome revenge (the other isn't so weak and unproud to make a big deal out of something so trivial like hurt, isn't he? And if they were, it'd mean that they're not worth of the other's attention like they believed). If the culprit were not one of them, though, that person would probably be eviscerated or severally maimed before they could even complete the thought "I did it!". Because only they had the right (and the power) to wound or kill the other. None of them would ever let someone else in the way of this challenge between them.

Who remember things?

Both. They have entire metaphorical archives full of blackmailing material in organized folders against each other, carefully collected for more than 109 years. Aizen-taicho hates boiled eggs, Gin felt betrayed by sweet potatoes, Aizen would never go out without having checked the exact angle of his hair lock at least twice at minute, Gin becomes skittish every time Matsumoto or that bratty Lieutenant of his come in the picture, Aizen secretly fears Hinamori's obsession with him, etc...

They both made a mental note to remember that each of these things could be useful, sooner or later.

Their thoughts on the whole Fangirl and ships topic?

Disturbing. Fascinating and distur - Hinamori! For the umpteenth time, I'm fine and no, I don't need anything. You did a great job and you can go now! - bing.

Who cusses more?

Surprisingly enough, Aizen. Actually, Gin is the one that cusses frequently, steadily and on daily basis, but only for the fun of annoying Izuru's, Aizen's and Kuchiki-taicho's noble sensibility. But when he's in that mood that makes other people cuss, he'll communicate it with icy glares, a sharper edged grin or a overall crueler behavior. On the other hand, Aizen is the one that pledges himself as above things like annoyance, rage and (especially) a "crude language so beneath my godlike status caused by irrelevant emotions like irritation", as Gin decided to put it to make fun of him. But when he's really pissed like when Urahara doesn't take action, ruins his plans or Gin writes obscene kanjis on the board during his calligraphy lessons, he'll lose all control on his legendary composure and start cussing like a sailor. Hopefully, Kyoka Suigetsu prevents people from noticing it.

How often do they fight?

As a serious fight? Once every hundred and nine years, but it's "until death do us part". As just a way to kill time? Very very often, but it's never beyond a good deal of verbal jabs. You could almost consider it as their own fond way of saying hi to each other.

Are there any foods that make their stomach upset?

For Gin, no, there aren't. At least, Aizen has been conducting a research on the topic since the infamous lunch with still no result worth of notice. Ichimaru hates some foods, doesn't like others, but, by now, his stomach's completely anesthetized even to Rangiku's cooking after being subjected to it for so many years. And that's saying something, as far as Aizen is concerned. Not that he meant to imply anything about Matsumoto's cooking abilities, of course. Overall, he'd gulp down anything if needed.

Aizen instead is very picky about his food. He's a perfectionist here, like in every other aspect of his life. There's nothing able to upset his stomach, though. And even if there was, he'd never tell a soul. Ever. Gin had not to be encouraged to do anything stupid against him, no matter what.

Who's the most irritable during an hungover?

Gin. Aizen doesn't drink anything but his beloved tea and the occasional sip of fine wine. But Gin during an hungover is something Aizen wouldn't wish on anyone, not even Yamamoto or the Rei-o. A hissy, horribly-moody, vengeful cat you just woke by stepping on its tail is a cutie puppy in comparison to him. Really, it happened once and Aizen swore Gin should never end up with nothing more alcoholic than a glass of water, never again, for his own sanity's sake. Fortunately, Gin found that if he ate a dried persimmon after the drink he shared with his dear Rangiku, he couldn't get hungover. Still to this day, Aizen wasn't entirely convinced of the scientific accuracy of this theory, but given that it didn't happen anymore, he was willing to give him credit for it.

Have they ever tried to ruin the other's dates?

Life in Soul Society is particularly monotonous. This is a fact everyone agreed with and what's at the core of the matter. So, yes, they did, but only when paperwork became so painstakingly boring that it could be seen as something funny to do. Particularly, Aizen loved calling secret meetings between himself, Kaname and Gin as soon as he knew, because he did know, that Gin was in the middle of an especially good moment during a date with Rangiku (or even during a friendly walk with that Kira) just because Aizen could. On the other hand, Gin loved making fun of Aizen's utterly missing and more-dead-than-Omaeda's love life, despite the fact that half of shinigami and the recruits desired him and the other half either belonged to Byakuya fanclub or were just lying to themselves. So, he did not so much ruin Aizen's dates as he did try to set him up with absurd dates with psychotic and obsessed fangirls and fanboys that always left Aizen baffled at how much he had underestimated people' crazyness. An "I care about your love life, taicho, I try to find a good date for you because we can't have you become an old grumpy overlord with a dog as your only company at night, can we?" my ass. Bratty moron.