#I’ll have the office to myself tomorrow so I might bring my iPad with me and doodle on my lunch break

[positivelyghastly]

Hello, hi, I’m not dead I’m just having a rough go of it lately and haven’t had the spoons to do anything after getting home from work except go to bed. I will hopefully have Something To Post soon if the chronic illness gremlins leave me be for five god damn minutes. Keep yer eyes peeled

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 3) - A Moment

Summary: Jensen is away from home for a few days but isn’t having the easiest time being away from the kids for the first time since the accident. When he returns home, he has a gala to attend on Saturday night but a kiss on the cheek and slip of the tongue will snowball into the reader and Jensen sharing a moment...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 6,100ish

Warnings: language, death of a spouse, death of a parent, anxiety, self-worth problems, referenced past harassment

A/N: I love this part so much for so many reasons. Please enjoy!

________

“Hi Jensen,” you asked Monday night when your phone rang. “How was your flight earlier?”

“Same old same old. I just got out of work,” he said with a yawn. “Gonna grab a bite out with a friend. Kids eat dinner okay?”

“We had honey sriracha glazed salmon with brussel sprouts and roasted red potatoes.”

“Really?”

“They had kraft mac and cheese and I had Taco Bell.”

“See this is why I like you,” he chuckled.

“I’ll try the salmon again tomorrow. I was gonna make it but they didn’t have any at the store,” you said, opening the fridge and taking out a pint of ice cream. “Hey can I have what’s left of this mint ice cream?”

“Sure. Pick some more up for me sometime before friday please,” he said. “Also, Taco Bell? You do realize we live in freaking Austin right. There are literally hundreds of places you can go that have better mexican food.”

“Yeah but fake cheese tastes good,” you said. He laughed and your stomach rumbled. “I so should have gotten more than two tacos.”

“You in the kitchen?” he asked. You hummed and you heard him let out an oof in the background.

“Yeah. You alright?”

“This bed in my hotel room is comfy,” he said. “But I was starting to say, go in the drawer at the end of the counter by the table. There’s only five hundred gajillion take out menus in there. Order a treat for yourself. It’s on me.”

“Jensen. I can get my own dinner.”

“True but you’re on call 24/7 until I get back.”

“Well in that case I bet you got a menu for a fancy steakhouse in here somewhere,” you teased as you picked up one for a tex mex looking restaurant. “Does this place really have quesadillas this big?”

“You must be looking at the menu on top. I almost ordered from there last week actually. The food’s great. They do delivery too. Just buzz the guy into the gate when they get there.”

“Any recommendations?” you asked, taking out the menu and flipping it over.

“Quesadillas are good. Loaded nachos are amazing. I’ve literally never had a bad thing from there,” he said. “To be honest I’d rather be getting that than where I’m going tonight.”

“Why’s that?” you asked, reading through your options, surprised to find such good prices.

“I have to wear a suit,” he said with a sigh. “After being poked and prodded all day I literally would rather just eat crap and watch food network.”

“How long have you known this friend of yours?” you asked.

“Twenty years, why?”

“Then you guys knew each other when you were young. It’s not too late out there. Call him, see if he’d rather get some crap food, a six pack and just catch up on his couch or in your room. I’m pretty sure he’s more looking forward to seeing an old friend again than the food,” you said.

“You make very good points. I should pay you more,” he said.

“You pay me plenty and barely let me spend a dime of my money on myself,” you said. “I don’t need more.”

“You got that fancy computer though.”

“You literally have the exact same mac in your office.”

“You moved in like three boxes and two computers,” he said.

“An ipad is not a computer,” you said.

“Debatable.”

“Well I like to draw sometimes and it’s easier on an ipad when you’re laying in bed,” you said. 

“Are you any good?” he asked.

“No.”

“I bet they’re really good,” he said as you rolled your eyes. “I see you draw with the kids sometimes and those are good.”

“It’s a hobby is all,” you said, leaning back against the counter, your stomach grumbling again. “Anything else you want me to grab at the store? I’m going to hit it tomorrow while everyone’s at school.”

“Nah. Get the usual stuff,” he said. “The kiddos in bed?”

“Yeah, got the last one down about fifteen minutes ago,” you said. He hummed and you heard the sigh in it. “I got a video of them playing earlier I’ll send you.”

“Thanks. It’s my first night away from them in a long time. Normally I’m able to come back same day. I was kinda hoping they’d still be awake to say goodnight.”

“They’re safe and sound dad. We’ll call again after school tomorrow to talk like today,” you said.

“Yeah,” he breathed out. He was quiet and you pulled the phone away, taking a deep breath. 

“You okay?” 

“I haven’t been alone like this in a really long time.”

“I know. You check out your backpack yet?”

“No. Why?”

“You didn’t bring a jacket with you so I put that yellow hoodie that’s always on the hook in there in case you got cold.”

“That was Dee’s hoodie.”

“I was pretty sure it was,” you said. You heard him shuffle around briefly before he hummed, much happier that time. “I thought you might like to have a piece of...something-”

“I really don’t pay you enough,” he said quietly. “Thanks for putting this in there. I need something from home more than I realized.”

“Well put it on, call up your buddy and have some fun tonight, Ackles. Nanny’s orders.” He laughed and you felt that twinge in your stomach again, your eyes quickly closing.

“I will. Hey you mind if I call again tomorrow night? I don’t have any plans and sitting in a hotel room by myself isn’t very fun.” You smiled and felt heat in your cheeks, quickly thinking it away. He wanted company for a few minutes was all and you were friends. It was completely normal to talk with friends on the phone everyday.

“Of course. As long as you get a dinner in at some point that’s more than fine with me,” you said. “We can talk about The Bachelor!”

“Oh God no,” he groaned, chuckling after a few seconds. “I’ll settle for Grey’s Anatomy.”

“This Is Us?” you asked.

“Supernatural?”

“I haven’t watched that yet. I’m working up to it,” you said. 

“Work faster woman. I only know legit everything about that one,” he chuckled. “But probably not a good idea to watch that one until I get back and you're not alone. First episode is kinda scary.”

“Oh well thanks for that,” you said, watching the clock tick by, knowing it had to be almost seven out there. “I’ll let you go. Have fun tonight Jensen.”

“I will Y/N. Promise.”

Friday Night

“Arrow,” you said after she’d flung her pasta bowl all over herself, covering her hair and face. She sniffled and you forced a smile. “Okay. How about a bath after dinner?”

Fifteen minutes later JJ and Zeppelin were in the movie room watching a cartoon while you had Arrow in the kids bathroom, scooping up some water over her head in the tub.

“Well hello ladies,” you heard behind you. You jumped and spun around, glaring for a moment before you recognized Jensen.

“Just me,” he said, backpack still on his shoulders. 

“Daddy I got ziti all over my head,” she said.

“You did?” he asked, dropping his bag and taking off his jacket, kneeling down next to you. You got the last bit of sauce off and squirted some shampoo in her hair, Jensen watching you with a smile. “How was your day?”

She told him all about breakfast and daycare, playing with a few toy boats with him while you rinsed out the soap. You did a bit of conditioner before getting it out as well and putting the spray nozzle back.

“I got the rest if you wanna get the dryer ready?” he asked you, reaching for the soap. You swapped spots with him, Jensen washing her up while she kept talking about her day. By the time he was all done you had the dryer out and plugged in, Jensen picking her up and wrapping her up in a big bundle of towels before he set her on the counter. You went to work drying her hair, Jensen draining the tub and finding some pajamas for her.

“Do you want your hair up or down, sweetie?” you asked. She tried gathering it up and you grabbed her soft scrunchie perfectly fine for sleeping in from the counter. You put her hair up in a soft little bun, Jensen making an adorable sound when he returned.

“Aw, you look so cute, baby. I’ll be right there alright?” he said. She hopped off the counter and got dressed, rushing off downstairs when she was all done. “Survive the day?”

“Somehow we always do,” you said, gathering up the towels. “Kids are in the movie room.”

“Thanks. I’m gonna shower but we’re all good for the night,” he said. “Thanks for watching them this week.”

“You gotta go do your job,” you said. “You working on a movie or something? You never said.”

“Uh gonna be in a show called The Boys,” he said. “I’m gonna be one of the superheroes so I gotta go out and get my suit made all special for me every so often.”

“You’re gonna be a supe! That’s so fucking cool!” you said. He grinned and you blushed, shaking your head. “I’m so sorry. That was so not appropriate.”

“I don’t see any little ears around,” he chuckled. “You like the show then?”

“Yeah. It’s great. Like no other show consistently makes me go what the fuck did I just see. That’s so cool you get to be a supe though. Are you a one off or like a main character?”

“I’ll be very present in the next season. Gonna deal with the seven, all that,” he said. “I’m gonna be Solider Boy.”

“I can see that. You have that all American boy thing about you.”

“It’s my adorable face,” he teased. 

“Well remember to not stay up too late. You have the gala tomorrow night remember?”

“Yes mom,” he said as you walked out. “Get the kids some takeout for dinner tomorrow and yourself.”

“Sounds good boss,” you said. “Night Jensen.”

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

The Next Night

You froze from where you were mixing up some brownie batter with JJ at the kitchen counter as Jensen popped downstairs. He was in a gorgeous black suit, a maroon pocket square and no tie going on, his hair scruffier looking than normal.

He started to laugh and you realized you were staring, your cheeks feeling hot as you went back to stirring.

“Mmm, you guys save me a brownie or two for when I get home?” he asked, leaning over and dipping his finger in the bowl of cream cheese frosting.

“We’ll spare one for dad,” you said, Jensen going back for seconds. “Ah, ah. No.”

He dipped his finger in and got another fingerful, kissing the top of JJ’s head and the twins at the counter.

“Be good for Y/N guys!” he called as he rushed out.

You whistled and he jogged back, catching you holding up his phone from the counter.

“Thank you,” he said, taking it and pecking a kiss on your cheek. You looked up at him and he froze. “I am so sorry. I…”

“It’s okay. Go have fun and be all charitable,” you said. He shoved his phone in his pocket and ran out, JJ scratching her head.

“Dad’s kinda weird sometimes,” she said.

“Yeah, he is. But so is everybody,” you said. “Let’s get this in the oven so you guys can pick out colors for your frosting, hm?”

“I really shouldn’t. But I really should,” you said to yourself, plopping your second brownie of the night in a bowl and sticking a scoop of ice cream on top. You carried it over to the couch and lay back, watching TV on the big screen as you heard the door open. Jensen came into view a minute later, taking his jacket off and groaning as he washed up at the sink. He went to the tray of brownies on the counter and picked one up with a big sigh. “Fun night?”

He jumped and whacked his head against the cabinet above, hissing before he spun around.

“You okay?” you asked. He nodded and left the brownie behind, pushing his sleeves up before taking a seat on the other end of the lounger.

“Y/N I’m really sorry about the kiss on the cheek. That was so inappropriate. You’ve kinda implied that there was some stuff that’s happened to you at other jobs you found over the line and I’m really truly sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I wasn’t...I forgot you’re my employee for a moment. I really am sorry.”

“Jensen if I had a problem with it or you or your behavior I would quit on the spot. I don’t let myself get pushed around anymore. You were happy and busy and you pecked a kiss on my cheek, not reach a hand down my pants. It’s really okay. You’re way too hard on yourself.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Positive. It’s barely ten which means you left as soon as you could. You’re supposed to be out having fun,” you said.

“I was kinda freaking out that you hated me,” he said.

“Dude you gotta relax,” you said. “Have a brownie and some ice cream.”

He got up and after a minute took a seat at the other end with a bowl of his own, smiling as he got a taste.

“This is fucking awesome,” he said.

“I know,” you said, Jensen smirking. “Do you feel better now silly boy? I promise that if you ever do anything I find inappropriate I will promptly kick you in the balls.”

“I can agree to that,” he said. He ate for a moment, watching the TV and laying back. “Do you ever like, want to go do things with your friends on a Saturday night? If you do that’s totally cool. These aren’t normal hours anyways.”

“Being a nanny eats up a lot of your social life,” you said. “Kinda got kicked out of my friend group after I broke up with my ex anyways.”

“Well they sound like they suck,” he said.

“Yes, they do,” you said. “I don’t mind so much. I meet plenty of new people through work. Only person you can depend on is yourself and I don’t tend to let myself down.”

“That’s a very lonely way to go through life,” he said.

“It’s not easy to make friends in your thirties,” you said. “Maybe for someone like you who travels and meets new people a lot and stuff but you have like, real friendships. You know?”

“Well we have a real friendship, don’t we? You’re friends with Jared and Rob and Ruthie and Rich,” he said. “I don’t trust just anybody with my kids. That’s real.”

“Yeah,” you said, taking a bite. “So when’s your friend free?”

“Hm?”

“Blind date guy. Maybe he could be a friend if things work out,” you said.

“Oh yeah. He uh, he actually got a gig up in Canada so you might need to wait like a month or so. But he’s excited to meet you,” said Jensen.

“Can I have his number?” you asked. “Or do you think that’d be weird?”

“No, not weird. I think he just kinda wants to do it old school if that’s okay. Meet you first and go from there.”

“This friend of yours better be like super hot,” you said.

“If it’s a problem-“

“I can respect him wanting to do things like that. But I’m gonna want a firm date soon,” you said.

“I’ll make sure to get you one,” he said. “I’ll get it down tomorrow, promise.”

“He better not mind me eating like this either. I ain’t a salad on the first date kinda girl. He’s gonna need to keep up with my eating while were at it,” you said. He snorted in his seat beside you and ran his hand over his face.

“I will keep that in mind. I have occasionally had dessert first truth be told,” he said.

“This is why I like you Ackles. You get my sweet tooth,” you laughed.

“It’s a good thing your dinners are healthy cause I swear I haven’t consumed this many baked goods in months,” he said. “The kids love it and my stomach loves it though.”

“I’m gonna need to start working out though if I keep this up. Oh hey is it okay if I do laps in the pool in the mornings? I’ll be super quiet and stuff.”

“You don’t gotta ask,” he smiled. “Like I said when you started, you got free reign to use the pool, the gym, whatever, aside from my room. You a swimmer?”

“Not really but I hate running and supposedly it’s a good workout or something,” you shrugged, eating another bite of brownie.

“Anything in the gym you’re free to use. I know you must get a little bored sometimes when I’m gone and the kids are,” he said.

“Not bored per say. Ordinarily I would do more chores but you have like a cleaner and a landscaper and you just...give me more time in the day than I’m used to is all. It’s actually great though. It gives me plenty of time to come up with ideas for the kids and stuff.”

“Well as long as you’re taking breaks and your lunch do as you please,” he said, his spoon scraping the bottom of his bowl.

“Now that’s just sad.”

“I really should get another one of these,” he said, sucking the spoon.

“It’s really the only choice you have,” you said. He laughed as he hopped up, skirting back into the kitchen and fixing up another brownie and ice cream combo.

“Hey you want more, Dee?” he asked. You popped your head up and he spun around. “I’m-“

“Don't apologize, Jensen,” you said. He tapped his fingers against the counter and took a deep breath, putting his back to you.

“That’s the second time tonight I’ve done that,” he said. 

“Jensen. There’s nothing wrong with missing your wife.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“You don’t...talk about her much.”

“It was...she wasn’t…” he trailed off. He sat down on a barstool and you got up, walking over and hopping up on the counter beside him. You set your feet in the stool next to his and paused before you put a hand on top of his head and ran your fingers through the short strands. “This shouldn’t have happened to her.”

“Death is the price for living. Pain’s the price for caring. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it,” you said. You started to move your hand away when he turned his head. 

“Don’t…” he said, easing when you played with it gently again. “That’s always calmed me down since I was a little kid.”

“Someone should take care of you every once in a while you know. Your parents, siblings, friends. Everyone needs a break.”

“I had a lot of help at the beginning. I don’t need a whole day. Just a moment here and there,” he said quietly.

“It’ll be okay, Jensen,” you said. He nodded and you played with his hair a few moments, watching his shoulders ease. This time when you pulled away he smiled up at you. “Better?”

“Yeah. Thank you. That’s not in your job description to do that sort of thing.”

“Well I think your wife would want somebody to watch your back, even for only a minute or two,” you said.

“You don’t have any brain aneurysms I should know about, do you?” he chuckled. 

“No. That what happened?” you asked, a single nod coming from him.

“She was sleeping. Not a bad way to go I was told, you’d never even know,” he said. “Not a fun thing to wake up to in the morning though.”

“My dad had a mass at the back of his head. It was that same kind of thing where one second it’s fine and the next everything’s different deal. It was inoperable. Then he goes and dies from a car accident of all things before it got bad. My mom had a hard time with that.”

“You said she had a boyfriend later on right?” he asked.

“Yeah. I know you’ll be okay, Jensen,” you said. You ruffled his hair and he smiled, a soft look on his face. “Pro tip too from someone who’s been there, kids with a single parent turn out just fine.”

“Do they ever wish they had another parent?” he asked.

“They wish the parent they still have around is happy again someday. They won’t understand until they’re older that it’s a different kind of love between parents. But they’ll know it’s a little different and they’ll hope dad feels better too. Your kids are tough. They’ll be okay too.”

“Thanks, Y/N,” he said. You hopped off the counter and washed up your dish, sticking it in the dishwasher before you went to leave for your room. “So I gotta ask. Who takes care of you?”

“Me?” you asked, pointing to yourself. He shrugged and smiled, your gaze going past him. “I’m all good. I don’t need somebody to take care of me.”

“Liar,” he said softly. “You know my friend tells me everybody needs to be taken care of sometimes.”

“That’s the difference between us Jensen. You’re not like me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed, his face scrunching up suddenly.

“It means you’re not on your own and even if you feel like it, it’s only been a little while. You’ll be okay. I’ve been taking care of myself since I was a kid. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“You haven’t lived my life and I haven’t lived yours. Don’t try to tell me that I’m not capable of-”

“It’s not about what you’re capable of. You said pain is part of life, it’s the price for living. You’ve had more than your fair share-”

“Lots of people have it a lot worse.”

“Don’t compare your pain to someone else's. They haven’t lived your life,” he said. You rolled your eyes and started to walk away, Jensen out of his seat and catching up with you in the hall. “You can be taken care of too you know.”

“By who? My non-existent circle of friends? My crappy ex? My mom’s ex boyfriend who’s got his own wife and kids? I am perfectly fine managing all of this by myself. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“You’re so frustratingly annoying,” he said, running his hand over his face. “Me. I’m talking about me. You just...you took care of me tonight. The least I can do is show you the same compassion.”

“No,” you said.

“No? Why not?”

“Because taking care of me turns into you walking into my shower without my permission and you being a dick and this going away and I don’t want you to be those things so no. We’re getting too friendly. Please leave me alone tomorrow.”

You left him in the hall and went down to your area of the house, shutting the door after you. There was quickly a knock and you growled, ripping it open.

“What?” you snapped at him.

“I am not going to hurt you or be a dick to you or whatever else you think. You need to realize in the real world, not everyone is an asshole.”

“You’re the one not living in the real world then, Jensen. Everybody’s an asshole.”

“Fine. I’m an asshole. But I’m not leaving until you say I can take care of you tomorrow. Two minutes is all I’m asking for.”

“This is my part of the house.”

“And technically I am outside your door,” he said. “Why are you so resistant to somebody doing something nice for you?”

“Because I don’t wanna get used to it,” you said. He stared and you shook your head. “You’re attractive and an actor and kind and funny and it’s not a matter of if you date again but when and when that day comes, we ain’t gonna be sitting on the couch eating ice cream anymore. Please do not invite me to anymore outings as a friend. I’ll attend if required as a nanny but this between us is done.”

“For the record, the only one around here that thinks of you as just the hired help is you. My children are completely like their old selves. I feel more like my old self. You seem happier than when I met you but for some reason, that’s a big problem to you. I do not understand that.”

“Leave or I resign and move out first thing,” you said. He crossed his arms and lifted his chin. “This is my formal resignation then. The company will-”

He moved quickly and you weren’t sure what he was doing at first but soon you realized he was hugging you, your hands resting against his chest. You swallowed and he didn’t move, your forehead resting against him.

“What are you doing?” you breathed out.

“When’s the last time you got a fucking hug?” he asked.

“The kids-”

“Not the kids.”

“I don’t remember,” you said quietly. 

“Then you are overdue,” he said. You let yourself reach your arms around him and return the hug, breathing deeply, a small bubble in you rising up. You tried to push it down but it came back harder and you were fighting back tears before you knew it. 

He could feel when you lost that battle, hand rubbing up and down your back. There was a soft shushing in the air and after a few minutes you felt better. You lifted your head but didn’t look at him, Jensen squeezing you in his hug again before it eased.

“You know you’re not allowed to quit on me...like ever,” he chuckled. You let out a small laugh, Jensen smiling at you when you forced your head up. He wiped off your cheeks and you let out one last sniffle. “You’re not alone. I promise you’re not. It’s not the quantity of people you have in your life but the quality and I’m sorry but we are friends and there’s nothing you can do about that so I’d just accept it now.”

“I’m sorry I was such a bitch.”

“You were scared, not a bitch,” he said. “I wish I could make you happier is all.”

“I wish I could bring back your wife for you,” you said.

“One of those is a lot more possible than the other,” he said. A small smile crossed his lips before he ducked his head down, shoulders heaving back before his head raised. “Y/N, can I confess something to you? I hope...I hope it doesn’t bother you but if it does, you don’t have to continue working for me. I’d still like to be friends regardless.”

“What’s wrong?” you asked, Jensen looking past you.

“My single friend I was going to set you up with? He doesn’t exist.”

“Oh.”

“Cause he’s kinda me.”

“Oh,” you said, staring at him, a lot of his previous behavior starting to click into place. “That’s…”

“I know,” he said, stepping away and rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s weird and douchey and I’m sorry. I like you and I was trying to see if you would ever go for a 42 year old actor. I left out the widow and kids part but...I’m sorry.”

“When did you like me?” you asked quietly.

“The whole time?” he said, laughing nervously to himself. “It’s kinda snowballed since we met. I never in my life thought I’d like someone again. I didn’t want to like you. I hired you because you were the best candidate and I knew the kids would be in good hands but everyday it’s there, even more, and I know this is so inappropriate on so many levels and I’m really starting to ramble here but you make me think maybe your mom had a point and people are allowed to have...more than one…and sometimes the way you talk to me and treat me and look at me...” 

He swallowed as you stepped in front of him, taking a quick breath. 

“I will keep working for you and I’ll be your friend...and you can make me dinner tomorrow,” you said with a smile. “We’ll see where it goes from there?”

“You’re not...weirded out?” he asked.

“By your age, you’re my boss or the cheeky lying about a fake friend?” you said.

“All of the above.”

“Age doesn’t bother me. You have no idea how to be a boss, no offense, and the friend...I don’t blame you for wanting to test the waters first,” you said. “But I expect honesty from here on out.”

“Absolutely,” he said.

“Good,” you said.

“You do like me right?” he asked. “Like you don’t feel obligated or-”

“I like you Jensen. Why do you think I was trying to push you away before you got too close? I didn’t want to be hurt.”

“Give me a chance to not,” he said. “We can have dinner and see how it goes from there.”

“Normally the best course of action,” you said.

“But maybe with a few more hugs from now on,” he said. “For the both of us.”

“That’d be okay with me,” you said. He smiled and you returned it. “I guess I’ll see you in the morning then.”

“I guess you will,” he said. He turned to go when he spun back on his heels. “Or we could go back out there, eat way too much dessert and hang out?”

“Yeah,” you said with a smile. “Give me a minute to wash up my face.”

“Take all the time you want. I’m gonna change into something more comfortable anyways.”

He left and you washed off your face in the bathroom, drying it off and taking a deep breath.

You did like him. There was something calming about him to you and you enjoyed his company, even if it was just the two of you having a quiet cup of coffee in the morning.

But he was an actor. And kinda famous. And a widow. And had three kids. 

“But your face is cute,” you said aloud, looking the mirror. “Gah, of course you have to be like...into me. Nutjob. He must be a nutjob. That’s it.”

“Y/N?” you heard him saying and you smacked yourself in the face. “Are you talking to yourself?”

“Uh, yeah,” you said, stepping out and seeing him in the hall sporting a pair of pajama pants and a t shirt. “That was fast.”

“Well I didn’t go through an eight step skin routine too,” he chuckled.

“For your information, my routine is only three steps,” you said, walking past him and waggling your fingers.

“I didn’t realize I was living with such a savage,” he said. You laughed and went back to the kitchen, making up another dish of brownie for him while he went over to where he kept his liquor. “You a bourbon kind of girl?”

“Is there any other kind?” you said.

“Touche.” He poured out two glasses and slid one over while you passed his bowl to him. “So what’s this three step routine? Do I need to up my game or what?”

“I think I need your routine, not the other way around,” you said.

“Nah. I like looking at your face more than mine. Trust me.”

“Oh. How long you been holding back those kinds of comments?” you teased.

“Longer than you’d think,” he said, sharing the bowl with you. “Feel okay now?”

“Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I cried,” you said. “Especially in front of someone.”

“A good cry session has never hurt in my experience. I’ll do it for work and stuff but normally I’m not much of one. Aside from the past six months I mean.”

“Are you ready to try this?” you asked.

“Yeah. I know I am,” he said. “I’m positive of it.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because you make me happy. You make me...want to do stuff again, believe in all the romantic...if I wasn’t ready, I’d feel guilty. But I don’t. I just know that maybe some people get more than one chance and maybe I’m one of them.”

“I know you are, whoever it ends up being,” you said.

“Are you ready to try this?”

You took a drink and bite of ice cream, pushing the bowl back.

“I miss my family,” you said. “I miss being happy. I’d like to...have someone that could take care of me for a moment every once in a while. I might mess that up sometimes but I’m willing to try.”

“Me too,” he said. “I’d expect some screw ups on this end too. I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time.”

“I’m sure it hasn’t changed all that much,” you said.

“Well I’ve never dated with kids and as a widow,” he said.

“I’m just in this for them to be honest,” you laughed. 

“I see how it is,” he said with a smirk. 

“I don’t think it’ll be as hard as you think,” you said.

“I hope not,” he said. 

“Do they know? You want to date?”

“JJ does,” he said. “She’s little but she understands that it doesn’t mean I’ll never love her mother any less. She’s been strangely okay through this whole thing aside from the first few weeks. She helps her brother and sister out more now.”

“As someone who was that kid, minus the siblings, I know they’ll be okay. She’s a great kid. I’ve met plenty of spoiled brats. Yours are not.”

“Well that might just be the second best thing I’ve heard tonight,” he said.

“Whatever was the first?” you teased, eating a spoon of ice cream.

“Oh I think you know,” he said, stealing the spoon back. You smiled and heard some feet run around upstairs before the stairs creeped and a little head ducked down into view. “Arrow. It’s bedtime sweetie.”

“I had a accident,” she said. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, honey,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Want help?” you asked.

“Sure,” he said. He scooped up Arrow on the way up the stairs, setting her down in the kids bathroom. He got some clean pajamas and you found a pair of pull ups, Arrow pouting at you. 

“I don’t need ‘em,” she said.

“Your brother wears them. I wore them and your mommy and daddy wore them. Everybody wears pull ups when they’re your age,” you said.

“Just tonight,” she said, stepping into them. Jensen walked past with the mattress liner and she was dressed by the time you heard the washer going off in the distance. You walked her back to bed, Jensen slipping in past you and tucking her in. “Night daddy.”

“Night sweetie,” he said, kissing her temple. 

“Night Y/N,” she said.

“Night night kiddo,” you said, giving her a tiny wave before you left, Jensen flipping off her light and pulling the door shut. 

“Come here a second,” he said, nodding and you saw him head towards his room. The double doors were open and you stepped inside, Jensen going past the bed and over to a set of french doors. He pushed one open and waved for you to follow, showing you out to a rooftop balcony.

“Wow,” you said, a set of chairs, a table and a lounger out there along with a whole lot soft string lights. “I didn’t realize you had this up here.”

“Kinda a place to go unwind, relax,” he said. “I disappear out here sometimes. Been out here a lot at night lately.”

“Thinking about what?” you asked.

“You,” he said. “I talk to Dee about you sometimes as crazy as that sounds.”

“Doesn’t sound crazy at all,” you said.

“I just wanted to say...this area isn’t off limits anymore. Nothing is,” he said. 

“She asked you out, didn’t she,” you said with a smile. He rubbed the back of his neck and blushed. “You’re cute.”

You leaned up and kissed his cheek, heading back towards inside.

“Come on, Jensen. Before the ice cream melts on us.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 4 here!

[peaceserenity24-blog]

May 24th

Today was a fun day. “Solo” came out today, went to go see it with Ashley and Phillip. It was pretty good, I had so-so expectations with it and it definitely exceeded those. No “Ace Venture” Han Solo, that was definitely a plus lol. The Maul cameo was nice, still kind of meh about the fact that Maul lived after being sliced in half. *Shrug* what are you gonna do.

 The movie made nice references to established lore and built somethings new on its own. LucasFilm did a nice job with it. Kudos to them, hope it does well in the box office.

Work was alright, it was a slow day. Got the new CORE app today, finalllly integrating things together, Panera really is terrible when it comes to their IT and tech in general. Makes me roll my eyes alot on how awful it is. I just want them to give us iPad ordering and do away with our green sheets. Managers still arguing with one another about shit. Apparently for tomorrow I’m gonna have to be a manager cause Rachel from Clarksburg was supposed to work with us tomorrow and something happened so that’s not happening anymore. 

I wish they would pick one, either let me yell at people and get the job done or don’t put me in these kind of positions. Cause this is what confuses the associates. And why often they’ll come to me as opposed to go to others. Cause I know what I’m fucking doing.

Nothing much else happened after I got home, Hunter went to his step-grandmother’s and is spending the night there. Kind of proud of myself that I didn’t text him. I need to get better about not bothering him so much. I want him to want to interact with me. I feel I smother him too much. 

Just remembering I didn’t read yesterdays so I forgot what I said to continue on today. I’ll get a hang on this at some point. It’s really late too for me doing this lol. Need to get better about that.

Anyway smothering Hunter. I make that always my go to, just over amounts of affection. I do it because I want it in return I think. And I’m making up for it now cause I’ve been without it for a while. His touch, his tenderness. It will be always my favorite thing just playing with the little patch of hair on his chest. I never know why, but it just always brings a little bit of an extra warmth to me.

Kind of talked more with Ashley about all of it lately. She’s not in the dark nor stupid as to what is going on. And she also doesn’t really care as long as we don’t do more damage to one another. Which I hope we don’t. She’s been working alot lately so she and I haven’t had much quality time like we had been having in recent months. I also told her I paid Hunter’s rent last month. I could sense a little bit of judgement from her. I still don’t know if that was the best call. 

Was playing FFXIV and it had a kind of hit home moment with a quest line. The queen of Ul’Dah is looking to save the refugees that lay outside her kingdom and originally wanted to give them something. And learned that would be the worst thing she could do for them.She needed to provide them opportunity to get back on their own feet and develop themselves back as a nation.

I wonder which I did for Hunter with paying his rent. I feel partially the first as opposed to the second. I don’t want to just give Hunter handouts for things, nor do I want to do them in exchange for his favor or personal company. 

I want to do them to show I care about him,to show I want to do this as investment in his future, our future. To show him that money means nothing to me, it is just a means to an end. But that is hard to express. And probably foremost it looks like I’m being his “sugar daddy”. Let others think what they want but I want my intentions to always remain pure and with as much altruistic intentions that they can be.

Totally agreed to go work 7-4, but forgot I have a doc appt at 3:15. Need to get my shit together.

I’ve been keeping a stopwatch timer going on my phone when I do this. At it bothers me to stare at for some reason when I’m doing this. I don’t know why.

I do hope I’ll be able to sleep with Hunter at night one day in the near future. I would enjoy that more then anything. My bed is very lonely without him, the pillows help but they aren’t the same.... That might be a big ask for him though. Something tells me and my stupid self I’ll wind up trying to sit on his dick before I’m able to try and get him to sleep with me. 

I know cuddling is addictive, hormones/oxytocin released upon it. But all I can think about some days is wanting to hug him and hold him tight. Maybe that’s why I try to be so handsy with him? Similar to wanting to talk to him non stop about this stuff, is because it’s constantly going through my mind and all I want to do is what I put my mind to. That’s a plus and a minus for my work ethic.

It’s getting late and it’s 20 mins. Should sign off. 

Till tomorrow

[zmbkl]

Nano 17

Hello everyone,

Thanksgiving is winding down. I have two more tomorrow then it’s over.

I got home from work Wednesday and went straight to the office to get my new DnD book I ordered. It’s the new Xanthar’s guide. When I got there, the office was closing. The lady was locking the door, and told me I could pick it up Saturday. I was kind of mad because they aren’t supposed to close until five, but she was closing an hour early. I thought about complaining but decided against it. I’ll just go get it tomorrow.

On Thursday, we woke up early and headed to Modesto to see my family. We went to my house I grew up in, my grandma Vikki’s house. We talked to Vikki for a bit. I saw my brother and dad where there, their cars were there, but they didn’t say hi to me. I didn’t care. I wanted to get going quickly anyway. That house is still really destroyed. There are drawers that don’t work, the tile is coming up, and there are shitty hole patches on the wall. I try not to touch anything in there.

I think I shit on my family too much. I think it’s a self-serving prophecy. I hate that place and most of the people in it, so I only see the bad parts of it when I go. I dunno. I want these blogs to explore aspects of my character and why I am the way I am. I feel like my relationship with my family tells a lot about me. I don’t like to talk about them in person, and it’s very touchy when I do. Everyone I’ve dated has avoided it because it doesn’t go to good places when we do. They usually know about my distaste and they want to understand my distaste. But, I don’t have a good reaction to OTHER people calling my family terrible people. So when S/O’s bring it up, they try to talk about my family with the same distaste I have, and I don’t react well. On the other hand, if they try to tell me I should do this or that for/with my family I also don’t react well to that. I dunno. I have this contempt for them, but I also have protective nature to other people shitting on them. I just tend to keep quite. I don’t know if it’s healthy, but it hasn’t affected my life yet. It might soon though because I need to invite them to my wedding. They need to meet my in-laws and it’s gonna suck. I’ll make it work. I dunno.

We ended up going to my other grandma’s (my Dad’s mom). Everyone in my family calls her Nan. I guess it’s a short hand for nana, but we have never called her nana, just Nan. I went to see Nan. Alia and I ended up being the first people there. Nan is a quite person most of the time. It’s always weird visiting her. Vikki (My mom’s mom) is super vocal and talks for hours if you let her. Nan is the opposite. She is very deliberate, and isn’t great at conversation. It might just be me, but my dad had said the same thing. My aunt Lori came over next. She got there with her boyfriend, I don’t remember his name. Lori, nan, and I sat around talking about family. It was the first time I was honest about my feelings about my family with my family. I told Nan and Lori about how I don’t like visiting mom or dad. They oddly understood. This was weird because my dad is SUPER into family respect. My dad made me call my entire relative with their relationship title. An example, I couldn’t call Brad, Brad. I had to call him Uncle Brad. I couldn’t call my mom or dad, Mellissa or Brian, he got pissed when I didn’t call them mom or dad. I had to refer to all my relatives with or by the relative connection. I thought this for all the members of my dad’s side, so when I started talking about my feelings on my parents it was weird that they didn’t get defensive. I think they have also taken note of my dad’s actions and they aren’t pleased. Nan and Lori do very well for themselves and they’ve always had their lives together. They told me that they were surprised I turned out the way I did. I told them I hate when people say that. They didn’t mean anything by it, but I told them Mark (my cousin, Lori’s brother’s son) said the same thing to me years ago (like in 2010). I hated it then and hate it now. I dunno. I had a good time with them and then headed out after food.

I asked Alia if we could go visit my Ex, Jessica. I told her it would be perfectly ok if she wasn’t comfortable with it. She said it was OK, so we headed there next. Jessica was visiting her dad. Jessica and I dated for 5 years, March 2008 to August 2013. We met in high school. She got accepted to Sac state, and I was going to go to Davis. We decided to move to Sac and I’d commute o Davis. I got my acceptance letter to Davis and it was an amazing feeling. I ended up getting a D in my calculus 2 class. Davis took back the offer. I had ended up making up the class, but at that point I didn’t feel like going to Davis. I had convinced myself I didn’t want the debt or stress, so I just went to Sac state too. It was easier that way. Anyway, Jess and I moved to Sac in 2011. We both went to the same school. It was nice for a bit. The relationship got rocky. She took me to see her therapist for relationship counseling. That was the worst experience I’ve ever had.

I thought it was going to be an open ended dialogue about our feelings. I was asked if I had anything I wanted to discuss or if anything was wrong. I said no. I thought our relationship had troubles, but I felt like I was making a good effort to improve it. She would bring up a concern and I’d try to fix that concern. At the therapist’s, after he asked me if I had anything to talk about, He asked Jessica if she wanted to talk about anything. Jessica pulled out her phone and opened her note pad. She had a long list of issues she had with me. She began to rattle them off to the therapist. They were small issues. I didn’t charge the ipad after using it, I moved kitchen items, I fart, and I left a mess at my desk. She also brought up my interest in MLP which was another level of embarrassing. I got SO embarrassed I cried. I literally cried in front of her therapist midway into her list all the things I did that annoyed her. The relationship lasted about six more months. She started to see this guy in Berkeley. I found out about it a month later. We ended it. I moved out and in with Sherri, an old high school friend. I spent a long time getting over it. Jessica keeps telling me it was a mutual brake up. It wasn’t. I was always convinced I could fix it. Even when I found out about Jeremy, I still tried to make it work. When we broke up, I didn’t immediately fall out of love with her. It took a while. I still idolized her for a good three months after I moved out. I spent five years putting her up in my mind. I realize now how unhealthy that kind of thing is, and also how unfair it is to the person. But anyway, I still talk to her occasionally.

I’m confident I wouldn’t have gotten out of my home town without her help. She taught me how to save money, she helped me get my first job, she taught me to drive, and her dad fixed my car for free (when it cost $1,600 I didn’t have). Her dad also sold me my second car after we broke up. I don’t want to say she got me where I am, but she was a good influence. Seeing my other siblings and where they are, I probably would have been in worst off than I was if I didn’t meet Jess. She helped kick start my life. I did all the work. I went to work every day, and I studied my butt off. I recognize that she was an influence but the success I found was because I put the work in. I dunno. I hate the way she ended our relationship. Jeremy has since broke up with her, and she lives alone in LA. She still works her same part-time job three years out of college. I used to talk to her and see how she was doing. I would ask, “How’s the job hunt?” knowing full well that if she found something she would post about it on Facebook. I just asked to be passive aggressive. I’d ask her, “Have you made any friends in LA?” knowing she is not a social person, and it was probably, “No.” I was just bitter and wanted to get back at her.

I think I’ve gotten over the pettiness. I still want to be friends. She was a big influence on my life and I do sincerely want her to do well. It was nice to see her in person again, her dad too. It was nice even if he is a huge, angry, Trump supporter. They had such an influence on me; I just wanted to say, “Hi” while I had the chance. I might get a second chance. It was a short visit. When Alia was ready to go, we left. I was thankful I got to say hi and I was ok leaving quickly. I knew it was probably uncomfortable for Alia.

Anyway, we went back to Vikki’s. This time everyone was out and mingling. I talked to my mom, dad, sister and brother. It was short and pleasant. I found out Vikki chats with Mormons on Tuesdays. She lets them come over on Tuesdays and try to convert her. She said she isn’t interested, but it’s nice to chat. She also thinks she is E-mailing Tom Hiddleston. I dunno. I just let her talk. We headed to my cousin Mark’s.

I got to talk to him for a bit. He keeps ducking me. He might not be doing it on purpose, but we don’t have a conversation that lasts longer than five minutes. He keeps getting up walking around the house and leaving the conversation. It might be a coincidence, but it makes me wonder if he doesn’t like talking to me. I dunno. I used to look up to him when I was younger. He is four years older than me, so he was a big influence on me from age 9-14. Once he got out of high school, we didn’t talk much. He shaped a lot of my morals when I was young. A lot of them might have been rooted in patriarchal ideas, like don’t hit a lady or respect authority, but it informed a lot about my character when I was in early high school before I met Jess. I dunno. I don’t want to be his friend like I used to be, but he is a functional family member. I want someone I can talk about family stuff, who is from my generation (sorry Nan and Lorri), but we don’t talk. Meh, it’s fine.

We left soon after that. We were meeting our friend Cailin that night and we wanted time to hang out with her. We got home, met up with Cailin and watched scary game squad. It was a good day.

The next day (today) we went to Alia’s mom’s thanksgiving, but it’s getting late so I’ll talk about that later.