#I’ll do mine for BSD since that’s what made me realize this in the first place
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
reesiereads · 23 days ago
Text
I’ve noticed that my favorite characters of any fandom always fall into 3 different types of blorbo.
The Relatable Blorbo: The one that I personally relate to the most, either because my personality is similar to them, I have similar trauma/issues to them, I view them as trans, or they’re some level of autistic. This is the kind of blorbo that when I read fics or analysis about them I feel like I come away learning something about myself.
The Well-Written Blorbo: Whether this Blorbo is actually, objectively well-written or not doesn’t matter, only that I believe them to be well-written. Whether this is because I think they’re good representation for something or because they have significant parallels to those around them or because the way they’re written forces me to think and examine them more closely to understand them fully. This is the blorbo that I have to search through constant misinformation and mischaracterization about but when I find a good fic or analysis it’s an actual work of art.
The Bluescreen Blorbo: This is the Blorbo that when I look at them my mind becomes nothing but a keysmash. I can’t articulate why I like them or what it is specifically that draws such a strong reaction out of me when I see them but by god I love them. 100% the blorbo I am the most likely to be an apologist for. They’ve raided my brain and turned it into a microwave, no thoughts only blorbo. Don’t read as many analysis and fics for this type but look at a lot of fanart.
And then there are the Blorbos who fit all three catagories and they go into my personal Blorbo Hall of Fame.
1 note · View note
linklethehistorian · 7 months ago
Note
I'm curious about 4. and 16. for the choose violence ask!
Sure thing! Since you didn’t specify a fandom, let’s go through them all. ^-^
Under the cut for both length and spoilers for some of the fandoms. lol Proceed with caution as always.
4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?
Bungou Stray Dogs fandom: Well, I’ve blocked about seven different people in this fandom, actually; for the first five, it was because they were a group of five haters who, by their own self-admission, instead of blocking or avoiding me for the sake of their own mental health when they found my content uncomfortable, continued to keep me unblocked and even actively seek out my page just so they could get angry/upset and then send me harassment in asks and/or vague post about how much they hated me.
Personally, I didn’t care all that much about the vagueposting; as I’ve said in the past, I actually kind of find hate motivational and fueling for my creative fire from time to time, but it was clear that it was getting very unhealthy for them, and since they hadn’t the sense to do it themselves, I simply blocked them from my own end so that they couldn’t see me anymore.
For one of the other two, they just had the worst fucking takes in the world, and their content kept somehow getting recommended to me as being “based on my likes” despite that I had never liked anything similar (or even anything from them), and since I found it to be headache-inducingly bad — and not even in an entertaining way, either — I simply blocked them.
And for the last one, they actually used to be a friend of mine, but they unfortunately seemed to have fallen down into a toxic rabbit hole since our last interaction years ago, and eventually came back and started accusing a close friend (and me, purely by association) of terrible shit for absolutely no reason, so I blocked them. I really do wish them well and that they come back around to their senses someday and realize the error of throwing accusations around simply because you’re still bitter over a breakup, but seeing as that’s unlikely, I’ll spare myself the trouble and just keep them blocked.
Legend of Zelda fandom: I said in a previous post where I listed out answers to all of the questions for this fandom that I’ve never blocked anyone in the Zelda fandom for fandom-related reasons, and that’s true, but I did block someone in this fandom once, for other reasons.
It’s a little bit of a long story, but to put it simply, there was this guy who had been stalking my now ex-girlfriend (mtf, tho she hadn’t come out as trans yet at the time while we were in the relationship) and had created a sock puppet account on a large Zelda forum we were on in order to find out information about me.
The story actually runs a lot deeper than just being a cut-and-dried “oh, he was a creepy stalker who had bad intent” situation — there’s a lot of nuance involved that would take quite a while to dig into and explain — but as I don’t really feel like getting into the whole tale right now, I’ll just leave it at that even tho the guy came clean to me out of guilt shortly after creating the account, it was my ex’s firm insistence that I block him, and so I did as she asked with it. And that was that.
Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel fandom: I’ve never blocked anyone from this fandom, but God has it been tempting sometimes… Thankfully, I don’t follow any blogs that make me feel like that, but if someone’s annoying ass bad takes ever start continually appearing on my recommended like they did with BSD, believe you me I’mma start blocking faster than the speed of light.
Other fandoms: I’ve never blocked anyone in any other fandoms, actually, and I can’t say I really have any active reason to at the moment, as most of them seem chill enough to not be an active and rampant threat unless you go looking for them.
16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)
Bungou Stray Dogs fandom: … sighs …We’re really doing this, aren’t we? Okay. Listen, I want to start this out by saying that I am a huge advocate for AUs and personal canons and ships and whatever else out there in the fictional world that you can imagine — go ham, have fun with it.
That being said, I will never in my life understand the appeal a very specific portion of the fandom finds in the concept that Arthur Rimbaud/Randou is as equally cold, unhinged, and detached as Paul Verlaine — often to the point where people genuinely allow that AU headcanon to skew their view of canon and convince themselves that it is such, when nothing could be farther from the truth (and the truth is actually far more unique, deep, and interesting).
Although the block button has largely solved this issue for me these days, my eyes have unfortunately already seen far too many posts of people talking about how a large majority of the fandom “gets Arthur wrong” because they don’t make him and Paul into this unhinged, cold-hearted assassin duo, and frankly, it’s just bullshit.
You can enjoy and/or ignore whatever the fuck you want in a series for your own personal canon and AUs, but don’t delude yourself and lie to others about official canon in the process because you’re pissy that the uppermost levels of official canon don’t represent certain characters the way you’ve imagined them in your head.
For one thing, if everyone around you is supposedly the issue, and even the uppermost levels of official canon themselves in their original language are supposedly the issue….then I hate to say it, but the only person or thing in need of a reality check is probably you.
Arthur was never an assassin; these people out there who are acting like “oh, Arthur being a spy means he must be cold-blooded and must have committed as many murders as Paul has” are insane; despite what certain stories in media will tell you, being a spy does not necessarily have to ever involve murder, and even if it did, Paul could have easily been the one doing the murdering. Is Arthur 100% innocent? Are his hands 100% clean of blood? No! But canonically, the only 1,000% confirmed act of physical harm he has ever committed was the attempted murder of Dazai and Chuuya, and even then he showed significant hesitation, and only committed to doing that so as to both save Paul and to avoid potentially harming significantly more people should assassins have been sent after him. Is it probable he may have killed people during the faked Arahabaki incident? Yes. Is it probable he may have either directly or indirectly killed at least a small number people while either working as a spy or as a mafioso? Yes. But is it confirmed? No. There is nothing at all that directly, explicitly confirms he himself has ever killed anyone at his own hands. It is likely that he has, but unless it is ever directly stated that he did, it is still technically not canon and thus 100% up for interpretation based on what you would like to believe about him. Until we know otherwise, he could have killed as few or as many people as you so desire.
However, what is not up for interpretation when it comes to official canon is that if these murders did occur, they were absolutely not done in cold blood. True canon — the original JP light novel(s), and, second to that in the canon hierarchy, the original JP Stage Plays — have gone far out of their way to express that Arthur is the farthest thing from a cold, emotionless killer. Despite how some would like to believe, Paul is not his “one exception”; Arthur cares about the lives of literally everyone and feels deep, intense remorse and hesitance over the idea of harm coming to literally everyone. If you think this man is “cold-hearted”, you have not read the actual canon — you have either watched an adaptation that took some massive liberties and not looked past that, or you have made up a story in your head based on what you would have preferred, and you refuse to accept the validity of anything that disagrees with it.
…Anyhow, yes…while people can absolutely make him such in AUs and personal canon if that’s what they enjoy, it makes me extremely annoyed when people conflate that with canon, and I will never be able to truly understand the appeal of it in general. The idea of two characters who are just “absolutely unhinged, cold blooded assassins who care only about each other” is, in my opinion, far less interesting than, and even downright insulting to, the deep characters that both he and Paul are, and the great narrative foil that the emotional, shy, sensitive, openly caring, and much more mercy-minded and life-valuing Arthur makes to the admittedly unhinged and cold-blooded (but still very much deeper than fandom treats him) Paul.
People can like what they like, but man, it is definitely not for me, and I feel like if that’s the dynamic you’re really looking for, there must be better characters out there to do it with.
Legend of Zelda fandom: See [here].
Doctor Who fandom: I’m sure there is something, but I honestly can’t think of it at this moment in time. Most of what’s enjoyed even vaguely popularly in this massive fandom is…pretty alright by me, honestly? Or at least understandable.
Ace Attorney fandom: Honestly, I have more to say on what this fandom doesn’t like than what it does, so we’ll skip over this one for now. If I think of something later, I’ll amend it.
Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel fandom: The idea that Stolas is a bad father and an equally bad person to Stella. Also that everyone in Hell must be bad in some way.
Final Fantasy fandom: …Final Fantasy VIII. Don’t get me wrong — I don’t think it’s a bad game by any means, or even a bad Final Fantasy game; I just don’t think that comparatively to some of the actually (in my opinion) amazing games that get way more shit from than they deserve, it’s really that much to write home about.
I think that it had a ton of great ideas going for it, but that a lot of those ideas got lost along the way in the quest to explore other ones — which ultimately led to the vast majority of them just barely getting touched on at all. And, of course, there’s a big major plothole where the main character gets absolutely fatally impaled by the main antagonist and then it just…basically doesn’t even get addressed at all? Also, all of the main characters sharing the exact same backstory and then just having conveniently forgotten about it was…deeply underwhelming and felt a bit lazy, to be honest.
And…yeah… I liked some of the characters a ton, and I enjoyed some of the plot points, but I definitely can’t understand why it’s hailed as being so great compared to certain others that are just…objectively actually more solid and well-written.
Pikmin fandom: I wanted to try to be as absolutely thorough as possible in listing out any of the series that I love and have actively participated in the fandom of (whether that be going out of my way to interact with fan content for it or making my own, or both), but honestly, I haven’t been around the fandom of this one quite enough to know if there are any popular takes or favorites out there that I’d strongly disagree with, or of which I’d particularly question the appeal.
Xenoblade Chronicles fandom: I know this is probably going to piss off a lot of people out there, but honestly, both Xenoblade 2 and Xenoblade 3 — but for opposite reasons, and with the DLC games notwithstanding for both of them, as I have few complaints with either of those.
I understand why people love Xenoblade 2 as a story on the whole — even if I think the first five chapters are largely very weak with only a few highlights and far too much filler and have terrible pacing — because the last five chapters just make every bit of the initial drudgery worthwhile, but I what I cannot and will never understand are the people who think the gameplay is somehow anywhere even close to good — much less god tier. Genuinely, there are not a lot of games I would call worse and less user friendly gameplay-wise in the modern era than Xenoblade 2; as a matter of fact, there is so much wrong with it that I can’t even begin to unpack all of the problems here, except to try to just lump it all together and put it very simply by saying that a fully paid-for, full price game absolutely should not entirely rely upon you having good luck in an absurdly rigged, file-dependant rng pity-system-granting uncheatable gacha system in order to progress the main plot, and even still make you sit through hours waiting for the skills to unlock on those characters that you have to be lucky enough to get good RNG assigned to your file to even get a halfway decent chance to get through further, still absurdly rigged RNG.
Normally, I would say how good a game is or isn’t is just a matter of personal opinion and what one is looking for, but legitimately, if you see no problem with this game’s gameplay and view it as something that should be defended, then you either got the best possible RNG in the world and played the game at such an absurdly slow pace that you somehow never even encountered one instance where skill unlocking slowed you down from progressing the plot, or you are just the biggest simp in the world for this game and you’re lying because you just can’t stand the idea of not defending every single aspect of this game even if you know for a fact that part of it is awful and inexcusable.
And as Xenoblade 3, that game has the opposite problem; whereas Xenoblade 2 had an overall amazing story the farther you progress with terrible gameplay, Xenoblade 3 has overall amazing gameplay with a (for the franchise) absolutely weak story that just completely drops the ball at the end. Thankfully, just as Torna: The Golden Country largely improved on the gameplay of Xenoblade 2 with its release, Future Redeemed largely improves and even fixes and, dare I say redeems, the story of Xenoblade 3 (even if it does make it feel a bit redundant in some aspects)…but…that doesn’t excuse the game being weak initially to begin with compared to its predecessors, and I truly can’t understand what all the hype for it was before the DLC released, as at the time I only found it a massive disappointment in all of the worst ways considering its series’ strong reputation for cut-above storytelling and incredible foreshadowing.
Also…in regards to Xenoblade 1…I don’t understand the appeal of Shulk and Melia as a mutually required ship — I’m sorry; if you love it, that’s 100% valid and I hope you have fun with it, but like…I just see zero romantic chemistry between them on Shulk’s side; I honestly see more chemistry potential between Fiora and Melia and that isn’t even canon on any level. I really think Melia is just best narratively having a one-sided interest in Shulk; anything else has always just felt forced to me.
Pokémon fandom: This is one of those fandoms where I have more of a problem with the dislikes than the likes, but I guess as with most games, I don’t really see the appeal of a truly open world; Scarlet and Violet pulled it off alright, but it wasn’t entirely open, and even then it had the typical issues of limiting storytelling ability through lack of any linearity at many points. I know many people are going to say “oh, but Pokémon has very rarely had a super deep story; it’s pretty much only a select few of the middle and more recent gens that did this”, and that may be true, but…why should we have to go back from that?
People use this excuse with many older games that have had a long series — that because their first iterations “weren’t that deep”, it’s somehow the natural and most acceptable course of action to go back to those roots, even if they’ve come very far from that over the years, and to me it’s just absurd. It’s like saying that we should go back to using outhouses because that is the purest form of using a bathroom and it was the way bathrooms were always meant and intended to be used; as we get more advanced in technology, we are naturally going to progress and do more that once could only have been a dream to us before. All old games weren’t necessarily lacking story because they “didn’t want to do anything more”, but because they didn’t have those capabilities. 2D games weren’t all 2D because no one wanted them to ever be seen in 3D, but because 3D wasn’t possible yet.
I will never understand the desire to backtrack on progress made simply because “that’s how it was back in the day”.
…Also, as far as the anime, I get that the idea of Ash growing up would’ve been cool and all, but like…I seriously don’t understand why it’s that big of a deal to people. Ash staying in a form that’s iconic is hardly surprising or beyond understanding, and really I would’ve cared more to see Ash grow emotionally from all of his journeys than physically, but eh. To each their own.
Super Mario fandom: The OoC situation that happened with Princess Peach at the end of Super Mario Odyssey. Straight up, I will say that I’ve never played the game, but from what I have heard (and please do correct me if I’m wrong!!!), Peach straight up rejects both Bowser and Mario from marrying her at the end, and like…for some reason everyone thinks this is some cool girl power moment instead of realizing that this, while maybe a cool message had it been any other character with any other two pushy suitors, is…actually deeply out of character for her.
It wouldn’t be so incredibly OoC if it weren’t for the fact that in all previous Mario games, Peach has been explicitly in love with Mario and very, very happy to be with him and be very romantic with him every time he’s rescued her, and he’s always been a gentleman to her, too, so like…the whole thing just sounds really off to me and I’m not sure why not many people are bothered by this like I am.
Maybe I just don’t have the context everyone else does. I don’t know.
Persona fandom: …Persona 5; don’t get me wrong, I actually enjoyed the story of this one quite a bit and I think it had great foreshadowing, but like…at least comparatively to 3, I don’t know why it seems to be “the baby” of the fandom. As a story, 3 is just so much more compelling and emotionally high stakes, with a lot more actual deaths and consequences and, frankly, more interesting twists and characters on the whole, and that’s all I’m going to say on that…for now.
Persona 5 was…pretty alright; Persona 3 was stellar.
Makai Ouji fandom: Pretty much the same situation as Pikmin here; while I’ve technically been in this fandom for at least 7 or 8 years, I…don’t really have enough active interaction with the greater fandom to know if there are any popular opinions or ideas I’d disagree with.
There are some fandoms that I just…don’t really have the drive to engage with that much outside of the source material, and this is one of them. Sometimes you feel called to engage with and observe the larger fan base and its creations, and sometimes you just don’t; this is one of the latter times.
Person of Interest fandom: I’m just gonna say it — Shoot. I know it’s canon, but honestly, that pairing felt so fucking forced — and I don’t mean forced as in “oh, they need to stop shoving gay relationships down our throats” like you’d expect to hear from some bigot or something, I mean forced as in they weren’t compatible, there was no chemistry, and literally no strong lead-up to the relationship whatsoever. One day the Machine was just like “oh I predict a possible timeline where you two get together” and then suddenly that one hypothetical possible scenario was enough for them to actually get together after an eternity of hating each other and torturing each other and literally trying to kill each other.
I think the pairing sucks and it felt terribly shoehorned at the very end of the show, when there were a million better options out there for the both of them, and then within like two episodes they killed one of them off anyway.
If anyone reading this likes it, then good on you, but personally I will just never understand the appeal of it.
Code Vein fandom: Honestly, the same situation as Pikmin and Makai Ouji here. I love the game dearly and I definitely consider myself a member of the fandom, but also I’ve never truly interacted with the rest of the fandom enough longterm to pick up on any grievances I might normally have about it; what little I have seen of the fandom, they’re very nice and chill people who really enjoy character creation mode, and pretty much that’s all I know of them.
Five Nights at Freddy’s fandom: Damn, I guess this is how I come out about being this one after years of silence, huh…
Oh well… I’m sure there are actually many things I could be talking about here if I put my mind to it lol, but I’ll probably just go with the fact that wayyyy too many people are comfortable and content with just writing off Gregory as evil or cold-blooded, when Ruin made it pretty damn clear that the Mimic was the one who made Cassie take the plunge in the elevator, and not him.
This fandom has a lot of wildly incorrect theories, though.
…Also, I don’t really understand the appeal of wanting to fuck the animatronics, but meh, maybe they’re just not humanoid enough for me. *shrugs* I like my anthropomorphic animals to have a massive dash of humanoidness to them and these guys just…don’t. Also they’re inherently super spooky and I’m not usually about that life.
Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE fandom: Dude, we’re seriously a fandom of like literally 5 people across the entire internet; we ain’t big enough of a fandom to have problems amongst ourselves about popular takes. A take from one single person could be considered popular here. …But really, we all seem pretty cool from what I’ve seen.
Fringe fandom: I don’t usually actively engage in this one’s large-scale fandom, either, but when I have…I can’t say I’ve ever seen a take I disagreed with, really; at least not one that’s stood out to me, so…yeah. It’s all good, I guess.
Nier Replicant/Automata fandom: Honestly, we have the same situation here as Pikmin, Makai Ouji, Code Vein, and Fringe. I have no idea about the favoritism or the takes because I don’t really hang out in this fandom in my spare time all that much.
I’m sure there are things I’d take issue with if I searched enough, but what little I’ve seen of it is fine.
Other fandoms: Since I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few and/or don’t consider myself a big/long/active enough fan to list them here, I’ll just lump all the rest into this category and say, obviously if I have had any interactions that I’ve learned fandom takes or favorites I’ve disagreed with from, they didn’t make a big enough impression to end up on this list, so all things considered, they must not be super bad to me — probably.
Aaaand that’s all of them! Thanks for the ask and happy reading!
5 notes · View notes
fabricated-misslieness · 4 years ago
Note
Hey, can you do a Dazai x Port Mafia Executive Male Reader. Where reader is Dazai former partner before he gets replace by Chuuya and instead of Chuuya coming for Q and fighting Lovecraft its reader instead. Readers ability is like Shigaraki from bnha.
Dazai Osamu x sadistic!male reader
Ngl I was a little confused cause the last time I watched bsd was months ago.
Also made the reader sadistic because yes. i forgot the reason
Part 2
Requested: Yes
Word Count: 3859
Warnings: Mentions of suicide (Dazai stuff ofc), angsty boi
Tumblr media
“You want me to pair up with this rookie?” You gesture in the vague direction of Dazai. You know he’s there, but you don’t act like it.
Dazai huffs, offended by your words. He crosses his arms. You weren’t giving him the best impression and if you were going to be partners, he at least had to tolerate you enough to keep his head on his shoulders.
“Now, now,” Mori chides with a sweet tone. You don’t trust the guy, he may act kind, but you’re sure he hides something with that kindness. “He’s already a port mafia executive.” You roll your eyes, he was only one of them because he witnessed the old boss handing down his title ‘willingly’. You seriously doubted he did do it willingly, seeing as it was a mere few minutes before his death. That sort of coincidence belongs to a movie.
“Like I don’t know that.” You shake your head. “Fine, fine, I’ll be his partner. I only want to know what he can do. He has an ability, doesn’t he?”
You finally acknowledge his presence, turning to him and sizing him up. Dazai is flustered by the gesture, but he pretends to act calm and collected, something that works with that young poker face of his.
“Yes--” Mori is interrupted by the executive himself, who is eager to show off.
“Yes, I do.” Dazai replies, uncrossing his arms. “But what’s yours?”
You furrow your eyebrows. Abilities are wide and unique, ranging from psychological to physical to straight magic. Knowing your ability could be a part of his ability. You were to work together so he’d know either way, but at the moment, you wanted to know his weaknesses.
“That’s valuable information.” You crack your knuckles and stretch, pretending to prepare for a fight.
“No fighting in my office.” Mori reminds you. “Or the building, for that matter. One of your abilities is particularly destructive, and we don’t know what you could do. Go to the training area if you’re going to fight.”
You give both of them a smirk, “Who says I was going to fight? I was merely enjoying the look in Dazai’s eye.”
Dazai frowned, quickly fixing his composure. It’s true, he was a little intimidated and he did not mean to let it show.
“You’re quite sadistic, aren’t you?” Mori chuckles, shaking his head.
“That’s one thing right about me, boss.” You smile brightly. Dazai furrows his eyebrows and examines you. That smile of yours is sickeningly sweet, almost mocking. You look like a monster, but maybe that was part of your act. He’d know your ability in no time.
“Well, as partners you do have to know each other’s abilities. I picked Dazai specifically for you.” That gave each of them a hint to each other’s abilities, more to Dazai than anything.
You nod letting out a sigh, “Do you have anything you don’t want, Mori?”
Dazai quirks an eyebrow, interested in the peculiar question. Mori nods, nudging forward a tongue depressor, those big wooden popsicle sticks, one he could very well spare.
You pick up with all but one finger, your middle finger, holding it up for both of them to see. “Do you have anything for the debris?” Mori slides a metal tray towards the edge of the table.
“Pay close attention, Dazai.” You give him a glance before looking back at the stick, putting your final finger on it. It disintegrates in a matter of seconds, turning into pieces so small that they look like ash. “What’s yours?” You turn to him.
Dazai seems to shrink under your gaze, but he keeps a stoic look. “Put your hand on my arm.” You raise an eyebrow. Does he wish to experiment with your ability or is it part of his?
You put your hand on his arm, once again with all but one finger. You don’t trust him, that much is clear.
“Trust me.” The look he gives you is genuine, albeit the smile is devilish, though you oblige all the same.
Your eyebrows furrow when your ability has no effect. The skin doesn’t disintegrate, nor does it fall apart as usual. “That is my ability, No Longer Human.”
“And that is why I paired you two up.”
You huff a little angrily once you realize. His ability stops other abilities, what triggered it you didn’t know, but that wasn’t the most important thing for you. He paired you two up to have him be your control. You don’t need anyone to control you and you don’t want anyone to control you. You want to do you and you do not want this boy to hold you back.
You open your mouth to protest but Mori interrupts you. “This is my decision and mine alone, you cannot say otherwise.” As much as you want to mess up his pretty face, you couldn’t disobey the boss.
“Fine.”
Tumblr media
As time grew on, Dazai had become a friend, though sometimes he felt like more than a friend. Despite your early refusal to the idea, you’d really warmed up to each other.
Dazai, the young bastard, was also quite the prick at times. Though you couldn’t really complain about his age since it turns out you’re within the same age range. While he was a prick, he was also caring, as you’d come to learn.
Sometimes he’d hold your forearm when you were touching something, even though over the years you’d built up the habit to not use your middle finger. Every time he did so you would laugh and it would somewhat fluster you, you’d tell him you didn’t need it and without fail he would say “Just in case.” It was nice to know he cared, and the other little gestures he would perform were even nicer.
You were known for being a little sadistic, taking joy from inflicting pain for no reason. When he’d hold you back from attacking some random lackey at the time it would make you angry, but a few minutes later you’d be grateful for it. After all, that lackey wouldn’t be very useful with an injury.
Though sometimes even he couldn’t hold you back. When you’d start a fight with another executive just for your enjoyment, he was quick to be there and keep you in touch. Perhaps you did need control after all.
The other executives were rather thankful for Dazai, as you chose someone to pick on every week. Something you hated about Dazai was that he was immune to your mockery. He got used to it from your partnership and he couldn’t be hurt by your ability. But you supposed it was for the better, the other executives were starting to get really annoyed by you.
Except everything changed when Nakahara came along.
Although your partnership was relatively new, you found comfort in each other’s companies. You protected each other’s weaknesses and complemented each other’s strengths; so when the news came along that Chūya would replace you as Dazai’s partner, both of you were a little ticked off, per say.
Dazai’s first impression on the newer rookie didn’t help their relationship. Chūya annoyed him to the very ends of the Earth and he did not want him to replace you. It wasn’t just Chūya either, he’d grown very fond of you. Sometimes he couldn’t even fight without you; He was used to you being there to back him up, though this detail he would not tell you.
In time, you didn’t look like the monster he’d thought you were in his first impression of you. You actually looked sweet.
Your smile, which for everybody else would be sadistic, turned out to look more endearing to him. Everybody caught onto the fact that the smiles you’d directed at him weren’t the smiles he’d show others. Somehow you hadn’t realized it, but he had.
You’d grown to like him, dare say crush on him, which was something you denied. His triumphant smile after the end of a mission and the jokes he’d make as you fought were always the highlight of your day.
None of you wanted to give up the other.
“This is his decision and his alone, we cannot say otherwise.” You mocked, making Dazai snicker. The fact he used the same words was quite ironic, really. 
Tomorrow marked Chūya and his first mission together, so you’d dedicated this day to each other. Dazai did not look forward to tomorrow, and as much as he wanted to vent to you about Chūya’s very abundant annoying qualities, you’d both promised not to talk about it.
The news of your separation had made both of you realize your growing crushes for each other. You were no longer in denial, though you loathed the idea… but when you really thought about it, you didn’t loathe the idea. Musing to yourself about hugging him, playing with his hair… thinking about the fact that you did in fact like it made you gag.
As the night neared to an end, your guts told you to tell him. You wouldn’t see each other all that often anyway and if you were never to interact much, at least you would be getting this off your chest.
“Dazai.” You both stared out the window of the HQ, prior to you speaking up you were in an awkward silence. None of you wanted to say goodbye.
He turned to you and you to him. As much as you wanted to avoid eye contact, you thought it might help. “I like you… don’t joke with me.”
Dazai was going to make a joke. It was amazing how much you got to know him in so little time. He smiled, and your hopes raised when you took notice of how it wasn’t pitiful. “I like you too.”
You immediately let go of the breath you didn’t know you were holding.
“Where’s the big sadistic lion?” Dazai questions, playfully mocking how meek you are right now. His smile seems more joyful than usual, as it should with what just happened.
You snicker, giving him the sadistic smile he’s used to. “I’m right here.”
Tumblr media
Dazai was your anchor in the Port Mafia, even when he plead for double suicide with you. Before you were partnered up, you absolutely despised the place. The other executives and the occasional lackeys were fun to provoke but it was almost as if that was your coping mechanism. You often complained about how awful the Mafia was handled with the previous boss, but he would never change anything. He was an idiot up until his very death.
You thought Mori’s recent ‘crowning’ would change your opinion, but it didn’t change it at all. You still hated the place. It was almost as if their only objective was to keep their hands on Yokohama. You wanted more than that, you wanted the whole of Japan to be your turf.
Mori didn’t want that and while he would take the opportunity once presented, he wouldn’t do a thing otherwise. He was perfectly happy with that and you weren’t.
Dazai was the only reason you stayed, but now the reason had been diminishing. You barely spoke and barely hung out. This wasn’t what ‘dating’ was and both of you knew it.
He wanted to try harder and so did you, but with your current situation, you couldn’t. When he wasn’t with Chūya, you were out on a mission. No, you weren’t jealous. This wasn’t Chūya’s fault nor was it something either of you could control. There were various times you debated on breaking up.
Dazai was the only thing holding you back from leaving, so if you broke up you didn’t have to worry about him. But you liked him and both of you would be heartbroken. You never liked thinking about it, but someday, it had to be addressed. That day never came.
The final day you were with the Port Mafia was the day that you had a brush with death.
You’d called for backup, you’d received none. The henchmen you were commanding left like cowards. To think these were the people you’d trained.
One of your big weaknesses was fighting groups of people alone. These henchmen knew that and they’d run. Where were their morals? Where was their faith, their loyalty? Where was their honor, their pride? It was then that you’d learned the Port Mafia wasn’t your place. These people weren’t your people, this turf wasn’t your turf. They were cowards and you were no coward.
Alone and fighting recklessly, you were down. You refused to flee, and that stubbornness was what caused you to nearly die. Luckily, you never crossed death’s doorstep. The people you were fighting presumed you dead the moment you dropped to the ground.
They were fools but a fool you were too to let your emotions get the best of you.
That day somebody had found you on the brisk of death. They claimed to be a spy and they offered to get you help.
Of course, you accept without asking for conditions. You were dying, what else could you have said? The conditions turned out to be joining his organization and feeding them with information or something equally as important.
No longer would you be associated with the Port Mafia. You were glad to leave them. But your only consequence being leaving behind Dazai, the love of your life and the highlight of the day. It was a hard decision to make that was for sure, but it was either this or death.
You felt selfish.
Months after joining them, the so-called ‘Guild’, your heart ached. Leaving Dazai was your biggest mistake but joining the Guild was the best thing that had happened to you since him. For the longest time, you’d wanted to tell him. You never had the guts to. And then you left Japan to join the bigger part of the guild in North America.
Tumblr media
In time you’d stopped thinking about Dazai.
The crew was polite, a contrast from the cold lackeys and executives from the Port Mafia. It’s a nice change, one you wish won’t ever change. But maybe the hope of a different life blinds you from how bad these people really are, their underlying motives and morals, their similarities to the Port Mafia executives.
The guild is ambitious, their leader most of all. They have a turf and the turf is way bigger than the Port Mafia’s, something you’re proud about. You certainly feel better about this place than the Port Mafia.
Your sadistic personality never changes either, and while the others are certainly annoyed by it, they handle it in a different way. They make sure you know that you can’t hurt them severely, or there’ll be repercussions. Maybe not repercussions from the Guild’s rules, but them hurting you back. It’s a nice change, one that gets your adrenaline pumping every time you pick a fight.
The only time you did think of him was in your nightmares, the middle of the night. Those nightmares consisted of him calling you a traitor, betrayer, but that wasn’t what hurt you. They played out scenarios of you telling Dazai.
He’d kiss you, hold you tight, ask you where you’d been, question the new stitches and scars… and then you’d tell him.
His face would be ridden with denial. “No. No you couldn’t have! You’re joking, you’re lying!” He laughs, tries to believe it’s a joke, but he can’t get it out of his head that it isn’t.
“It’s not.”
It’s then that he lets out a sob. He trembles, pushes you away from him, looks you in the eye with a look full of betrayal. It’s then that he calls you names, which stated before aren’t what hurts you. It’s how he looks and what he says next that hurts the most, “I thought you loved me.”
That’s when the nightmare ends. You wake up with tears of your own, they’re hot and sting on your cheeks. You furiously wipe them away, but more keep coming.
You sob loudly, which wakes up John and Lucy. They’re the only ones you’ve trusted with your secret, Dazai. They comfort you the best they can but the most they can do is tell you it’s going to be okay or something along those lines. As much as you try to believe them, you can’t.
Dazai becomes a mere figure of your past. You think of him as unreachable, unattainable, as something you should scold yourself for thinking about.
If you could’ve taken him with you, you would’ve.
Tumblr media
Learning that you will go back to Japan because of the leader’s obsession with a ‘tiger’ almost breaks you like your ability would.
You hadn’t thought about Dazai nightmares in the past year, but now you remember him again. You begin to regret leaving him, your heart aches again and your nightmares act up again. Everything gets worse when you arrive in Japan.
War breaks out between 3 organizations but the only thing you can think of is the Port Mafia. It’d been 6 years. Could he still remember you?
You don’t care who wins, you just want this whole thing to be over with. It upsets your ‘teammates’, but you don’t care. Once again, you think about leaving the organization, maybe live a normal life. That sort of life feels far-fetched right now and you know it’s something you’ll never have the chance to achieve. But still, you hope for it.
But then you see him again.
The second your eyes land on him you want to run. His eyes land on you and they must look the same as yours.
It hurts, but you have to persevere. “Hey, Lovecraft?” You glance at the man with the strange ability and appearance. “You want to go sleep, right?” You let out a mocking yawn of your own, giving the two in front of you your signature sickly smile.
“Yes.” Lovecraft replies, voice monotone and deep as always.
“Go get John and leave, get to sleep faster.” You nod in the direction you’d seen Chūya knock John towards. Your eyes stayed on the two in front of you. They both act as if they’d never seen you before, which you’re glad for. You don’t know if you could’ve handled seeing the same look Dazai would give you in your nightmares.
“But Francis and... you.” You’d like to think you’d gotten close to Lovecraft, but really he treated everybody the same because of his ‘contract’ with Francis.
“I’ll be fine. I know these guys’ weaknesses, anyway.” He doesn’t question how you do nor does he protest further and leaves immediately. “Quite the reunion, huh?”
“(y/n)..” Chūya growls. He glares at you, something you’d never seen 6 years ago as his senior executive. He never dared to interact with you. He knew he’d be replacing you as Dazai’s partner and knew about your relationship together. If anything, it was out of pity, and that you hated.
“Chūya.” You reply. “How’s the family, the mafia, the kids?” You mock. Chūya all but seethes, he looks like he’s ready to strike.
“(y/n),” Once Lovecraft is gone, Dazai gives you the look you dreaded to see. “H-How--” He doesn’t know what to say and neither do you. Your smile fades, turns into a frown. You don’t want to fight him but you also don’t want him to take on Lovecraft. As much as you liked the guy, he was a nightmare incarnate.
“Dazai.” Is all that you say. The vague response hurts you both.
“Chūya you might want to do that here.”
Chūya looks back at Dazai, shocked and taken aback. “You want me to do that? Dazai, I don’t think that’s needed and you know how shit that makes me feel.” It’s clear he doesn’t want to give into his corruption.
“You shouldn’t underestimate him.” Dazai speaks with experience, and it hurts you to know that he knows that.
“Don’t hurt him too much, we’re dating.”
“You’re still dating?!”
“Technically we never broke up!”
Tumblr media
You laugh, staring at the limp body next to you. Chūya is deep asleep, or knocked out, you don’t know. You never really saw the aftermath of his corruption.
“That was a nice fight.” You remark, loud enough for Dazai to hear despite how weak you feel. Chūya had basically broken both your legs and injured you, but at least he hadn’t killed you or put you into a coma. The pain was unbearable for most people, but it was a simple background thought for you.
“It’s been…” Dazai starts.
“6 years.” You finish for him.
“I missed you.” You’re glad to hear that instead of the words from your nightmares, but you’re sure those words will eventually come.
“I did too.”
“You did?”
You sigh, nodding. “There were plenty of errands I had to run around and do for Francis. That rich old guy didn’t do anything himself. I didn’t think much of you, but I never forgot you. I had my own fair share of nightmares about you, they’re all the same.”
Dazai moves you to lean against the bark of a tree. You look into each other’s eyes, and you can tell that his are pleading. “Please stay.”
You ignore his remark, weakly reaching over to feel his coat. “New coat?”
“Yes.” Dazai grumbles, sitting down next to you cross legged. “Answer me.” He pleads again.
“You don’t want to know why I left, first?” Dazai shakes his head, taking your hand in his and squeezing it, prompting a pained groan from you. He quickly apologizes for it.
“I don’t know if I can.” You sigh, rubbing the back of his hand. You were quite touch starved, seeing as you couldn't really hold or touch anything properly. “If Francis wins I’d have to stay with him. If either of you win, I’ll most likely end up in prison.”
“Join me.”
You think back to the Guild. They were inviting and you thought them to be good, but just then did you think about how bad they really were. You’d known all along but you always refused to believe it. You wanted to be there just to escape the Mafia, you never wanted to be there because it was the guild.
“What was it… the Armed Detective Agency?” He nods. “How would that stop me from going to prison?”
“I don’t know.” Dazai admits with a huff. “Just.. please stay.”
“Okay.” You smile at him. Dazai remembers that smile, it’s burned into his memory and he takes note of how it hasn’t changed a bit. He’s missed it ever since you left. “Would they accept me, though?”
“They will, they will.” He says it as if he were determined, but he knows there’s a high chance they’ll refuse.
Dazai pulls you into a much deserved kiss. Long, gentle, sweet, and full of fireworks, it’s almost like your first. The only thing is it’s a little weak on your end, but he can’t blame you.
“Not going to mention sucide?”
“I haven’t seen you in 6 years, at least let me cherish this for another 2 months.”
1K notes · View notes
voidcat · 3 years ago
Note
(yeah I’m that anon that is usually a silent fan) Okay, since I’m not in fact being weird by expressing my deep love for your writing, I might just use this opportunity to go full out, right? Might as well. I used my first message to just generalize all the thoughts I’ve had over many weeks now. I guess I’ll just start off with the characters. The obvious one would be Verlaine?? How,...how did you make me fall in love with a character i had been previously so apathetic towards?? That’s just...wow. That’s not something that usually happens. And also, another obvious one, how do you manage to write Dazai so accurately? Omg, I love you so much for it. I got turned off from dazai x reader fics because i have this very specific...view on dazai?? I suppose that kind of sums it up? You manage to write dazai in a way that makes it seem as though it were right out of canon. And you can’t imagine just how much i LOVE that. Like, really! And Chuuya! I’m crying. It’s so great. (and yes, mori too. Go on and cancel me for this one bsd fandom :( I said what I said.) And the writing overall? Just...how many times will i repeat myself in this? Anyway, i love the angst too. It has become my air to breathe. Why is it so good?? And oh, the way you tend to write from the character’s pov too! That’s so genius. And it opens so much more angst-potential. It’s beautiful. Did i forget something? I suppose I could also rant about the poetic way you write. Or maybe it’s just my own perception of it, but it it’s so beautiful that i cannot believe it’s not written by some professional author. Will i overthink this whole message over the next hours? Sure, definitely. I’m not usually so mushy, but omg, i just couldn’t suppress this thoughts anymore. And writing this whole thing on tumblr when i can usually use comment sections. yeesh.
And yes, i do know tumblr has a private message function, i just dont know how to use it and am too much of a wimp to try it out in case i make a mistake :,) but i do hope i'm not a bother? or come off as, idk, too forward? all these thoughts had just been in my mind for some time now.
DhkdkwjdjsjdjPLEASE I have like a thousand things to say and idk where to start so I’ll start w the dazai bit
You 🤝 me. Those who know me (or read my posts) know that I legit cannot read dazai fics 99% of the time because I too have this specific view (also I pay attention to the canon so once a character is written ooc, that’s no longer them in my eyes) and I think dazai is a huge victim of this. Like fr no offense to people I get the need to write fluff for your comfort character (I think even my dazai writing is too soft at times…….) but that’s just,,, not dazai
Idk dazai is so complex but also so open so when people discard even the most important bits of his personality and write a completely different person I am instantly: distanced. Even anime dazai is a little ooc compared to what asagiri does (but that’s a topic for another day ig) so yea i get surprised even at some dazai “analysis” posts because I think the things they write are just so out I didn’t think they needed to be said like that
I guess that’s partially the reason I write him the way I do? Idk I don’t write for ch atacters unless im sure i can write them as accurately and honest to their source. And lol time to expose myself I guess, most of my dazai fics are based on conversations I have with myself (or thoughts I have) the most obvious one for this is “Selfish” (that is also the fic that made me realize dazai and I are so similar in many ways, so I guess that makes it easy to write him for me. (Ofc there are huge bits that I know are his and not mine but I suppose it’s the self awareness and acceptance of certain things that separate dazai and I at the end of the day)
And idk w Verlaine…. He had so many similar themes w Chuuya that I enjoyed and no joke when I first learned of his origin I was like”he doesn’t deserve to be hurt any more” …sorry for writing angst on your part Paul but that’s what u get for shooting at ur bf and making a scene ig
And if bsd fandom gonna cancel u for mori they should cancel me and Aqua too shfjfjf. Ngl I Had some suspicions on him and elise but reading Vita Sexualis has confirmed them for me so I can see mori in a much,,, better light I think. Plus at the end anyone who says they like dazai likes mori by default bc there is So much of mori in him…… (I think I had more to say but the moment I saw ur ask my brain just stopped working again I can’t function shfjfjf)
Djjfjfjfjf tysm for the kind words ilysm I never thought ppl would like my rambling this much I’m crying
4 notes · View notes
hamliet · 5 years ago
Text
The Man-God: BSD’s Dostoyevsky and Demons’ Kirillov
So, I finally read Bungou Stray Dogs. And y’all, I freaking love this manga. It’s got themes of life, grief, death, trauma, and is chock-full of literary references and puns. 
Tumblr media
Shocking no one, one of my favorite characters--the reason I started reading the story--is Dostoyevsky, since I’m... rather an admitted fangirl of Dostoyevsky’s novels. I’ve reread each of them at least twice and some (C&P) up to five times. Clearly BSD’s Dostoyevsky not the hopeful, faithful author, but he’s definitely a fascinating antagonist whose arc is digging into the themes of Dostoyevsky the writer’s novels--with a particular focus on the two novels that are my very favorite novels ever written, by anyone, in history: Crime and Punishment and Demons. 
But in truth, it draws more from Demons than from Crime and Punishment, right down to having BSD!Dostoyevsky directly quote it.
Demons is far, far less popular that Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov, and even The Idiot, so I was really surprised to see how often it’s been referenced in BSD (The reason it’s less popular is honestly justified: the first 100 pages are paced... horribly, but the rest of the novel is so powerful that I can overlook that). It’s been translated under a variety of titles as well: The Possessed, The Devils, and the most recent is Demons so that’s what we’re going with in this meta.
Pssst--look at how often BSD!Dostoyesvky is associated with demons or devils:
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Yet Demons has been popular with literary theorists (one well-known critic has described it as containing “the most harrowing scene in all of fiction,” an assessment I’d agree with--and this is the scene I’m going to discuss in detail) and existentialists like Camus (sorry Camus). Anyways, I have a soft spot for Demons because it contains my very favorite character in existence: Alexei Nilyich Kirillov, who is the character BSD!Dostoyesvky directly quotes.
Tumblr media
@blackandwhitemusician did a great analysis of the similar philosophies BSD!Dostoyevsky shares with Crime and Punishment’s Raskolnikov, but I want to talk about how BSD!Dostoyevsky is also modeled after Kirillov’s philosophical ideas. This isn’t to say he embodies them, because Kirillov is decidedly not a villain unlike BSD!Dostoyevsky, but BSD!Dostoyevsky definitely draws heavily from Kirillov’s ideals.
Kirillov is a character who, like Raskolnikov, embodies the contradictions of human nature, but in a hyperbolic way. He's noted to have a "calm but warm and kindly expression"and adores children, playing with them, and he even helps his friend Shatov's wife give birth (he's endearingly awkward and scared for the whole ordeal). He affirms that he is “fond of life” and yet he is determined, from the moment we meet him, to shoot himself as suicide because in doing so he will save himself and the world. 
Tumblr media
Kirillov’s reasoning is complex and at the same time, spotty, and stems from a deep despair and disgust with human sin. Sound familiar?
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Time is also a major motif with BSD! Dostoyevsky and with Kirilllov. He does not believe in time as more than an “idea.” He insists that “life exists, but death doesn’t at all… [I believe] in eternal life here. There are moments, you reach moments, and time suddenly stands still, and it will become eternal.”
Tumblr media
(Clocks constantly appear in BS chapter 42, Dostoyevsky’s introduction, as well.)
Kirillov also draws from other philosophies such as Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am,” affirming that “man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy… If they knew that it was good for them, it would be good for them, but as long as they don’t know it’s good for them, it will be bad for them. That’s the whole idea, the whole of it… They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”
In other words, reality is what Kirillov makes of it in his own mind, which is what BSD!Dostoyevsky hints his ability is (but it isn’t).
Tumblr media Tumblr media
It’s still a belief BSD!Dostoyevsky holds: that his beliefs create reality.
Tumblr media
Kirillov muses, in conversation with his friend Stavrogin (bold is Kirillov):
“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”
“He who taught it was crucified.”
“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”
“The god-man?”
“The man-god. That’s the difference.”
In BSD, anything written in The Book becomes truth, and Dostoyevsky plans to use it to rid the world of the sins of ability-users. Similarly, Kirillov plans to use his decision to set people free, and Pyotr plans to use Kirillov’s mental instability and philosophical suicide to erase consequences for his own sins. And as Kirillov also believes this will make moments heaven, Dostoyevsky expresses (using religious language) that this will make a heavenly reality as well:
Tumblr media
As Demons goes on, we find out that Pyotr Stepanovich had struck a deal with Kirillov. Since Kirillov really tries to believe that everyone and everything is good, when Pyotr asks him to kill himself and write a note specifying something Pyotr won’t specify until the time comes, to help Pyotr, Kirillov agrees. Pyotr notes that he doesn’t tell Kirillov what he plans—to have Kirillov take the blame for the murder of their mutual friend Shatov, which Pyotr commits—because he thinks that if Kirillov knows in advance, “Kirillov could not be relied upon.”
The irony, of course, is that by seeking to prove the ultimate will in the universe is of the individual, that the individual is his/her own god, Kirillov becomes an unwitting tool in Pyotr Stepanovich’s terrible plots. He contributes to the unjust death of someone he cares deeply for by taking the blame. And Kirillov did not want this at all. When Pyotr comes to collect, he realizes what he’s done (bold is Kirillov_:
“He is dead!” cried Kirillov, jumping up from the sofa.
“He died at seven o’clock this evening, or rather, at seven o’clock yesterday evening, and now it’s one o’clock.”
“You have killed him!”
“You are a strange man, though, Kirillov; you knew yourself that the stupid fellow was bound to end like this. What was there to foresee in that? I made that as plain as possible over and over again. Shatov was meaning to betray us; I was watching him, and it could not be left like that. And you too had instructions to watch him; you told me so yourself three weeks ago.…”
“I won’t write that I killed Shatov … and I won’t write anything now. You won’t have a document!”
Pyotr refuses to leave until Kirillov is dead, and Kirillov explains that “I won’t put it off; I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” The exact opposite of what he expressed before about things being good.
"He’s guessed the truth at last! Can you, Kirillov, with your sense, have failed to see till now that all men are alike, that there are none better or worse, only some are stupider, than others, and that if all are scoundrels (which is nonsense, though) there oughtn’t to be any people that are not?”
And then we see what motivates Kirillov is a desperate need to have a reason to match his desire to live. It’s literally one of the main themes of Bungo Stray Dogs (bold is Kirillov):
 “If you stopped yourself, you become God; that’s it, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I become God.”
“Let it be comfort. God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”
Tumblr media
And of course, this is BSD!’s Dostoyevsky in what I am betting is a direct quote from Demons as translated into Japanese: If god does not exist, then I am god.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
His man-god belief, like Dostoyevsky’s in BSD, are explained thusly (bold is Kirillov):
“I’ve always been surprised at every one’s going on living,” said Kirillov, not hearing his remark.
...
“Hold your tongue; you won’t understand anything. If there is no God, then I am God.”
“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”
“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”
“Self-will? But why are you bound?”
“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”
That’s a direct quote.
BSD!Dostoyevsky manipulates human will to lead people into committing suicide, and is killing them to create a new world without the sins of ability-users:
Tumblr media
Kirillov says this right before he finally writes the false confession to Stavrogin’s murder and kills himself:
“Man has done nothing but invent God so as to go on living, and not kill himself; that’s the whole of universal history up till now. I am the first one in the whole history of mankind who would not invent God. Let them know it once for all...
“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”
Yet Kirillov is inventing god: himself. He signs the paper and then does kill himself, but it’s not without the last terrible, terrifying realization that he does not want to die. He wants to live. And he fights Pyotr, biting his finger nearly off, before committing suicide. But Kirillov, as wrong and tragic as his philosophy is, is the one who recognizes the theme of Demons.
“Stavrogin, too, is consumed by an idea,” Kirillov said gloomily, pacing up and down the room.
The point of the entire tragedy in Demons is basically if you are consumed by an idea, it will turn you into a devil. Kirillov is, along with Shatov, perhaps the most likeable main character in Demons (others are far more horrifying as their various political, religious, and philosophical ideas take them over). And so is Dostoyevsky in BSD: consumed by his ideas, convinced his will is all that matters.
It won’t end well.
610 notes · View notes