#I wrote this chapter when I was on vacation and it saved me from a panic attack at dinner with my family

[ravendruid]

Be In My Eyes - Chapter 30

You can read the previous chapters here or on AO3. Here we are, folks. One year later, Part I of BIME comes to an end. I will return with Part II soon because these chucklefucks still have much to suffer. Content warning: Panic attack. Summary: Finals week is hell, but at least it brings Keyleth and Vax closer... but for how long?

Vax was glad that finals were almost over. The week had been horribly stressful between handing out final essays, studying for exams, and giving final presentations. Vax barely had any time left to do fun activities with his sister and friends, not just during the week, but the entire month. All his professors became even stricter than usual, often forgetting their class wasn’t the only subject the students had, passing mountains of homework and scheduling essays and other projects they had to deliver and present within a tight deadline. The only good thing about that was that the final evaluation for those subjects was divided between the final exam and the projects, so even if Vax had a bad grade on a final essay, he could still make up during the exam. On Conthsen night, Vax was anxiously counting the hours left until Keyleth’s last exam the next day, not just because he missed spending time with her—fun time, not study time—but because that was the sign that exams week would be officially over in apartment 7B and that was all Scanlan would need to open the case of beer they had saved in the fridge and turn on the music.

Vax remembered Keyleth was still in class and that she would probably get home exhausted and go straight to studying without eating, so he closed his book and flicked the light off. He would make her dinner and keep her company while she ate, and then they could study together if she wanted, even though Vax wanted nothing more than to have Keyleth curled against his side on the couch while they watched a movie and he played with her hair. Vax loved taking care of Keyleth, especially by doing small gestures like making sure she ate. It didn’t bother him to cook a different meal for her or to leave a serving from dinner in the fridge. He did it because he loved her and wanted to care for her. So Vax made a fresh batch of miso soup that Keyleth could eat anytime and prepared tofu, eggs and vegetables so that he only had to add noodles to the soup base when she got home. It would be warm and full of nutrients for her.

In hindsight, Vax should have noticed the first sign that something wasn’t right when Keyleth slammed the door and slid her back against it. But Vax was so distracted finishing Keyleth’s dinner that he thought she was just tired, and he certainly didn’t think anything else of her tight hug when she entered the kitchen. Keyleth was usually quiet on days she got home late from school, too socially exhausted to hold a full conversation, so Vax sat by her side at the table while she ate and let her fumble with his fingers on her lap.

The second sign came when Vax asked her if she wanted company to study and she said no. He still didn’t think anything of it because Keyleth sometimes asked him to study alone, which Vax understood. He could be quite distracting. So he kissed her forehead and headed back to his room, letting her know the door was unlocked if she needed anything.

Vax finally realized something was wrong when Percy and Vex returned. They were talking in hushed voices as they stepped into the room, and when Vax heard Keyleth’s name, he turned on his chair to look at his sister and his roommate.

“What’s wrong with Keyleth?” Vax asked. Vex’ahlia was still holding Trinket’s leash, even though the massive shaggy dog was nowhere to be seen.

“She’s acting weird. She barely acknowledged our presence.” Percy answered instead. “Do you know if something happened?”

“She was fine when she got home. Maybe she’s tired. Finals week has been hard on all of us.”

“Keep an eye on her, brother,” Vex said. She crossed the room to kiss the crown of his head, then gave Percy a peck on the lips and left.

Vax didn’t need to be told twice to keep an eye on Keyleth, especially when he looked at the clock and saw how late it was. He knew her classes started early the following morning and that if someone didn’t force Keyleth to close her books, she would stay up all night studying. Again, it didn’t bother him to go out of his way to make sure Keyleth got some rest. Everything he did was for her own good, even if it meant he would have to stay up until late.

Vax wasn’t surprised when he saw the mess on the kitchen table. Books were spread open, notes were scattered, a colorful rainbow of highlighters littered on top of papers, and an empty mug of coffee sat on the table. Everyone else had some level of stress before exams—even Grog and Scanlan—but no one beat Keyleth’s anxiety.

“Keeks?” Keyleth wasn’t at the table anymore.

In hindsight, things should have gone differently. Vax should have seen the signs, but he didn’t, so he was naturally concerned when he saw Keyleth sitting on the floor, her back against the wall and arms wrapped around her knees with her head hiding between them, rocking back and forth with shallow, rapid breaths giving way to sobs, and then chokes.

“Keyleth?” Vax called again, kneeling in front of her. When Keyleth didn’t answer, Vax softly placed his hands on her head and lifted it, seeing tears falling down her cheeks and the panic in her eyes. “Kiki, what’s wrong?” He asked. Keyleth didn’t react to him, as if she hadn’t noticed Vax in front of her. Instead, she tried to put her head back between her knees, but Vax held her steady. He knew what was going on: Keyleth was having a panic attack. He had helped Vex’ahlia through them after Saundor and Syldor, and he had forced himself out of a few himself, so he knew what to do.

“Deep breaths,” Vax cooed. Keyleth was still panting and choking, so Vax cradled her cheeks and asked her again, more firmly this time, to take deep breaths. The touch of skin-to-skin seemed to be enough to bring Keyleth out of it at least a bit, just enough for her to start mumbling incomprehensible words.

“What’s wrong, Kiki? I can’t understand,” Vax tried again. Keyleth was still rocking back and forth, still breathing hard, her arms still tight around her knees. She mumbled something again, and, this time, Vax made up the words “can’t” and “it.”

“You’re safe, Keyleth. Take a deep breath in through your nose,” Vax said, demonstrating. Keyleth stared at him, finally stopping her rocking. “And then out,” he exhaled.

“I–can’t,” Keyleth mumbled. She brought her hands to her chest and throat, leaving her legs free.

“You can’t breathe?” Vax asked, concerned. Keyleth had enough strength to nod, so he extended her legs in front of her and straddled them.

“Yes, you can. Breathe with me,” Vax whispered, placing her hands on top of his heart inside his shirt. Keyleth’s hands were burning, but her fingertips were freezing. “In–” Vax took a deep breath in, which Keyleth finally copied. “–and out…” They both exhaled. “Let’s go again.” Vax kept whispering and rubbing his thumbs across Keyleth’s cheeks. One of his hands slid to the loose hair behind her ears, where he started rubbing reassuringly, always making sure to breathe slowly and guide her.

“You’re doing great,” Vax whispered when Keyleth let out a soft sob. It was an improvement from the raspy chokes that made Vax fear for her life. The hand left on her cheek lowered to her neck, where he found her pulse point and remained guiding her breathing. After a while, Keyleth’s sobs lessened enough that Vax felt comfortable to try something different.

“Can you speak?” Vax asked. Keyleth mumbled a ‘yes’ with a ragged voice. “That’s good. Can you tell me five things that you see?”

“You, the floor, chairs, the table, and the trash can,” Keyleth enumerated. Vax nodded with each word, keeping his breath steady to guide her.

“Very good, Kiki. Keep breathing with me, okay? Now, tell me four things you can touch.”

Keyleth moved her frozen fingertips on Vax’s chest. “You, the floor, the wall…” Keyleth paused. She grabbed Vax’s hand on her hair and brought it to her chest, setting it right atop her heart, and said, “And your hand.” She finished with a long exhale.

“You’re doing great, Kiki,” Vax whispered lovingly. He leaned in, pressed a kiss to her forehead and then rested his brows against hers. “How about three things you can hear?”

“Your heart,” Keyleth said without hesitation. Vax smiled at that. She must have been truly focused on his heartbeat, which was good. “Your breathing and the fridge.” Keyleth’s breaths were slower now, almost back to normal, but Vax knew he had to finish the exercise before he could let her go.

“Good job. Can you tell me two things you can smell?”

“You…”

“And?”

“Just you. All of you,” Keyleth replied bashfully. Vax chuckled but accepted the answer since he was so close to her.

“Last one. What can you taste?” Vax asked, but before Keyleth could answer, he kissed her deeply, and against his expectations, Keyleth’s tongue found his. She hummed and pulled away, leaning her forehead against Vax’s again. Her body relaxed, shoulders sagging with relief, but her hand still remained on Vax’s chest, now fully warm.

“Home,” Keyleth answered. With her breathing and heartbeat back to normal, Vax allowed himself to relax and remove the hand on her neck (although he kept the hand on her chest). “Thank you.”

“Come here,” Vax pulled in closer and wrapped both arms around her, bringing her head to his shoulder. Keyleth leaned into his embrace and sighed deeply. “What happened?”

“I can’t do it. I’m so exhausted,” Keyleth admitted.

“You only have one exam left tomorrow, right?” Keyleth nodded in response. “You need to sleep. You’ve been studying non-stop for a month, Kiki. You’re more than ready. And if you’re not, it’s not the end. You can make up for it in a few weeks.”

“I can’t. I have to go home,” Vax’s heart leaped in his chest. It’s not that he forgot that all his roommates were leaving, but it hadn’t dawned on him that Keyleth would also be going home for an entire month. “I don’t think I can pass the exam tomorrow.”

“You will,” Vax whispered against her hair. The knot on his throat was so tight he couldn’t breathe from what Vax knew was a sign of anxiety for being alone, of not having Keyleth close to him. “I believe in you, Kiki. You’re going to ace it. But you need sleep, and I won’t take a no for an answer, so you’re coming with me.” Vax pulled away and raised to his feet. He helped Keyleth up and started leading her out of the kitchen, but she stopped. “Don’t look at the table, just follow me.” He said. He waited for a sign of acknowledgment, which came in the form of a silent nod, and led her by the hand toward his bedroom door.

“I—Percy,” Keyleth tried to stop him, but Vax shook his head as he opened the door.

“It’s okay,” Vax mouthed, bringing her inside with him. Keyleth looked at him confused and at Percy’s empty bed. “He’s in the shower,” Vax explained, seeing her look. He closed the bedroom door behind him and opened his wardrobe to grab a wrinkled T-shirt.

“Put this on,” Vax handed Keyleth the shirt. She nodded and started stripping out of her clothes, which made Vax take a step back. He stammered an apology and turned, not before he saw the soft white fabric of her bra.

“It’s okay,” Keyleth said, half amused, half tired. Vax heard the rustling of clothes and then her soft, “You can turn now,” and when he looked, she had also removed her pants and was standing in just his t-shirt that fell just at the top of her hips. Vax’s face heated, but he tried to play it cool and gestured at his bed. Keyleth didn’t wait to be told twice. She pulled back his blankets and laid with her back to the wall.

“Good girl,” Vax smirked. Keyleth blushed slightly at that. “I’ll be right back.”

Vax returned a few minutes later, after finding Percy and letting him and Vex know what happened with Keyleth. She was still awake, lying on her side with her knees pulled high to her stomach, but she didn’t speak, nor did she move when Vax started undressing with no reservations.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen me shirtless before,” Vax said, dropping his shirt in the hamper. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants but looked at Keyleth before he took them off. “Don’t get any funny ideas,” He dropped his pants to his ankles and took them off, then added, “You need to sleep.”

“Can you stay like that?” Keyleth asked bashfully. Vax cocked his head inquisitively, and she explained, “Skin-to-skin contact helps me calm. Can we do that?”

“If you’re comfortable with that,” Vax replied, lying next to Keyleth, wearing only his boxers. Keyleth covered him and then sat up on the bed. Vax tried to keep his gaze away while she undressed, but he could still see her from the corner of his eyes.

“Will you hold me?” Keyleth asked in a whisper once she was lying back on the bed. Vax swallowed hard and nodded, opening his arms. “Come here.” Keyleth laid her head on his shoulder and nuzzled her nose against him. The rest of her body was pressed against Vax’s, their legs entangled. Vax kissed the tip of her head as he wrapped an arm around her waist, doing his best to avoid thinking about the fact that they were touching from head to toe.

“Does this help?” He asked. Keyleth nodded. “Okay. Get some sleep. I’m right here.”

Keyleth was fast asleep within three heartbeats, but Vax remained awake for a while longer, watching the soft movement of her shoulders rise and fall against his chest, taking in her warmth and the softness of her skin against his body. His heart was both happy and sad. Sad because Keyleth was suffering so much from finals, but happy that she trusted him enough to let him in. In her panic-filled mind, Keyleth saw him and held onto him like a lifeline. She trusted Vax to bring her back because she knew he wouldn’t rest until she was safe.

—

Keyleth woke up confused, not knowing if what she remembered from the previous night had been a dream or real. The first thing that allowed her to discern reality was the headache that always appeared after a panic attack; the second thing was the fact that she had an arm wrapped around her waist with a hand splayed on her stomach and a warm breath on her nape. The final proof Keyleth needed was the fact that she was half-naked in someone’s bed—a man, from the pressure she felt on her behind. A small moment of panic made her turn around in bed, but then she sighed in relief when she saw raven-colored hair half-covering the tanned face of Vax’ildan, who, she realized, was also half-naked. The panic eased when Keyleth remembered everything that had happened. Even though she still had some gaps in her memory, at least she knew she had asked Vax to stay like that and remembered taking off the t-shirt he had given her. 

It didn’t matter that her underwear didn’t match (or that Vax saw her bare like that). Vax had seen her at her worst last night and hadn’t been scared like everyone else. Keyleth still remembered the times her panic attacks drove people away. She still heard what people called her and told her that day when she had to get dragged to the hospital by the school’s director. From that moment on, Keyleth refused to let anyone else see that vulnerable side of her, including her father (especially her father). Korrin had more things to worry about than her stupid crisis.

But Vax found her curled on the floor and helped her. The way he guided her through the panic attack with breathing and exercises made her want to cry from gratitude. No one had ever bothered to learn those to help her before, and if they knew those exercises, no one spared a second glance her way when she started choking on her breathing. The fact that Vax did that for her and forced her to rest when he knew she would drive herself to an early grave because of exams meant more than Keyleth could describe. 

Everything was easier with Vax. Coming home after late classes and finding dinner ready; having company for late-night study sessions, but at the same time someone who would remind her—and force her—to take breaks and take care of her needs; having someone to relax with, to laugh and talk and cry over her problems. Someone who would hug her and take her in no matter what or how bad her moods were. Vax was patient with her, always willing to listen, to wait, to care for her. He never once asked for more than Keyleth was willing to give and never took without asking first. Every kiss they shared was either initiated by her or after Keyleth gave her consent; every hug was respectful, and even the previous night, when Keyleth undressed without saying anything, Vax had looked away out of respect. Keyleth was the luckiest woman in the world for having Vax as her friend, and she would be even luckier if she had him as her boyfriend.

Keyleth turned in bed, facing Vax, who was still sound asleep. Even with the curtains closed, she could tell dawn would break soon, which meant she didn’t have much time left in the comfortable warmth of Vax’s bed. Vax’s bed. The idea of sharing a bed with Vax didn’t scare her, nor did the sight of his body pressed hard against hers underneath the blankets. Truth be told, thinking of Vax as more than a friend made Keyleth feel butterflies in her stomach, but more than that, Keyleth felt like she needed that, the easiness of not having to remind herself that she couldn’t kiss Vax willy-nilly, that she needed a reason to hold his hand (which wasn’t actually true). Keyleth wanted all of him, especially after knowing he wasn’t scared of her panic attacks, and this time, she was sure Vax felt the same way.

Even though Keyleth had only shared a bed (and a couch) with Vax a handful of times, she loved waking up before him and seeing him sleep. Vax had told her he often had nightmares, but every time they slept together, Vax was always relaxed. Keyleth never thought much of it, but considering that sleeping at Vax’s side eased her own nightmares, maybe her being there also did the same for him. Yet another sign that dating Vax could be a good thing.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Vax grumbled as a way of greeting. Keyleth turned her head to see a smile that made her melt in place. Vax’s eyes were still half-closed and crusted with sleep, his voice was hoarse, and his hair completely disheveled on his pillow (someone forgot to braid his hair the previous night). 

“Good morning,” Keyleth greeted, turning to kiss the tip of his nose. Vax opened his eyes, giving her a look and a smile that made her toes curl. He slid his hand up to the middle of her back, underneath the band of her bra, and pulled her closer to him, kissing the tip of her nose, then one cheek, the other, and, when he was about to pull away, Keyleth brought his face in to kiss him slowly on the lips.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what was that for?” Vax asked, rubbing his nose against hers. Keyleth shrugged, “I just felt like it.”

“Did you sleep well?” Vax asked her, scratching his nails up and down her spine. Keyleth squirmed with the feeling, getting closer to him, and nodded. “Me too,” He said. 

“I don’t want to get up, but I have to study before the exam today.”

“No studying, Kiki. You’ve done all you could. Studying today will not help any more than the rest of the month.”

“I need to review every—”

“No,” Vax stopped Keyleth by turning her on her back and straddling her hips. “Absolutely not. I’m going to make sure you do nothing but relax until your exam later, even if I have to stay up here all day.”

Keyleth’s entire body flushed red. She could feel him pressing against her like this, even more when he supported his weight on his hands at each side of her head and bent over to bring his face close to hers. They were painfully close and in a very suggestive position.

“What’s it going to be, Kiki? Are you going to do as I say, or do I have to make sure you—” Vax leaned further down, supporting himself on his elbows now. “—don’t go anywhere?”

“I–I don’t know,” Keyleth mumbled softly. Two could play the game. “I really need to study.” Just as she intended, Vax fully lowered himself on top of her, completely locking her in place. Keyleth couldn’t even move her hands as they were pinned to her sides by his arms.

“Keyleth…” Keyleth’s body turned gooseflesh with Vax’s sultry voice and look. Her cheeks were burning and her chest was as red as a tomato.

“C–can I at least go to classes?”

Vax glared at her for a moment, then sat up straight and said, “Only if you promise you will not study anymore.”

As much as it hurt her, Keyleth knew Vax was right. A few more hours of studying wouldn’t make a difference, so she might as well try to relax. “I promise.”

Vax nodded, seemingly satisfied with it, and started to get up, but, as he did, he turned his head over his shoulder to look at Keyleth and said, “If you’re a good girl and keep your promise, I’ll reward you after dinner.”

Maybe it was because they slept so close and bare, or maybe it was the wink that Vax gave her, but Keyleth felt her entire body burn like it was about to combust into fire, and before Vax gave her a second glance, she was hiding underneath the covers, trying to keep herself from squealing.

Vax was very keen on making sure Keyleth kept her promise, either by walking her to class or meeting her at lunchtime. Keyleth knew he didn’t do it because he didn’t trust her but because Vax wanted to make sure she wasn’t overexerting herself (and also because he wanted to spend time with her). They sat at an isolated table in the cafeteria, watching the snow falling outside as they ate in silence. Keyleth almost grabbed her books out of her backpack by instinct once she was done eating her sandwich, but she stopped herself and grabbed her laptop instead.

“When are you going home?” Vax asked, looking at Keyleth above the screen of her computer.

“My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon,” Keyleth still had to pack when she got home. She somehow had to find time to do it during the party Scanlan wanted to throw before they broke for the holidays.

“I’ll take you to the airport,” Vax said nonchalantly.

Keyleth stopped typing to stare in shock at Vax. “You don’t have to. I can take a taxi.”

“I want to spend as much time as I can with you before I have to lose you for an entire month.”

Valid argument. Keyleth blushed. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“It’s still going to be torture,” Vax sighed. He leaned back on his chair, staring her in the eyes. Keyleth kept her gaze locked on his. Ever since their date to the botanical garden, Vax had been more open about his feelings, not thinking twice or measuring his words of affection towards her. The only thing he avoided saying was the three words Keyleth was starved to hear, but, to his defense, she had been pretty clear about not being ready, and Vax was nothing if not respectful.

“I’ll call you every day. You’re going to be so tired of me, you’ll end up blocking my number,” Keyleth joked. She looked at the clock and groaned. She finished typing the edits and delivered her last essay due later. 

“I’m never going to be tired of you, Kiki,” Vax said, getting up and standing behind her chair. Keyleth put her laptop back in her backpack and got to her feet, being immediately swept by an arm around her waist and a kiss on her cheek. “The day I grow tired of you is the day I die.”

Keyleth melted into his chest. Her heart was racing with an aching need to say what was on her mind, of what she almost blurted, but it wasn’t the right time, and it certainly wasn’t the right place. “I have something to tell you later,” She mustered. Vax looked at her in concern and tensed. Keyleth knew he was running every bad scenario in his mind because she certainly would be if he had told her that. “It’s nothing bad, relax,” She reassured him. Vax’s shoulders slumped and he finally let go of her waist.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Kiki.” Vax pulled away. They started heading out, not before Keyleth joked, “For my sake, I sure hope not.”

—

The party was blasting in the living room, but Keyleth took a moment of distraction from her friends to sneak back into her bedroom. Her suitcase was open on her bed, clothes strewn on every empty spot on the blanket. Most of her late autumn and early winter clothes were already packed and ready, but Keyleth still had a few things to sort through. Winter in Emon was harsher than she expected, and some of her clothes weren’t warm enough for the winter, but she had to decide if they would be good enough for Spring. She had been rummaging through her clean laundry basket for clothes to pack when she found something that didn’t belong and knew it wasn’t hers from the color alone: Vax’s black hoodie, the one with the silver wings on the back and the three daggers on the sleeve. Keyleth would recognize the sweatshirt anywhere just by the smell of the twins’ laundry detergent.

Even though black was not her color—or any color at all, in Keyleth’s opinion—and that common sense dictated that she shouldn’t steal her roommate’s clothes, the urge to put on Vax’s hoodie was stronger than any argument Keyleth could come up with, so, instead of setting the hoodie aside to give it back to its rightful owner, Keyleth pulled it over her head. 

The sweatshirt was soft and comfortable, and the familiar smell made Keyleth feel like she was burrowing into Vax’s embrace, which brought back memories from the nights they shared together. Blush crept up her cheek when Keyleth imagined it was Vax’s arms that were holding her and not her own, and that it was his chest she was nuzzling, and not the neckline of the hoodie. Keyleth felt so cozy and safe that she knew she could easily fall asleep wearing the sweatshirt, no matter where she was.

Keyleth was so entranced in the feeling that she didn’t hear the door to her bedroom open and close and the sound of footsteps approaching.

“Kiki?” Vax called her. Keyleth jumped in place, realizing she hadn’t heard Vax walk in. The music and voices in the living room were still loud enough to let her know everyone else was still partying.

“Vax!”

“Are you wearing my hoodie?” Vax asked with a smirk. Keyleth’s eyes widened and she took a step back, nervously playing with the strings of the hoodie.

“I–Maybe?”

“It looks good on you,” Vax cocked his head. 

“I’m sorry. It was in my laundry and I–” Keyleth looked down, trying to hide her embarrassment. “It smelled like you and it’s so cozy.”

Vax closed the distance between them, asking, “Do you want it?”

Yes. Keyleth wanted to say. When she looked up at him, she saw the same look in his eyes he always had when he wanted nothing more but to kiss her. “No,” Keyleth replied instead. She knew Vax didn’t have many clothes and she felt bad for taking his only—and favorite—hoodie. She could not take something so important from him when he had already given her so much of himself.

“Are you sure? I can buy another one.” Vax insisted, grabbing at the fabric of the pocket on her stomach. 

No, you can’t. Keyleth thought. The twins’ finances were getting worse and worse by the day. Vax had told her that he and Vex would have to work the entire winter break to save up some money for the next semester. Vax could not afford another hoodie, and to be honest, Keyleth wasn’t sure if he could find one. The one she was wearing already looked like one of its kind. “I’m sure,” She said, smiling lovingly at him. 

“You can borrow it then. Just make sure you bring it back when you return,” Vax offered. He tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear and leaned in to kiss her cheek. “I promise it’s okay if you change your mind.”

“I won’t,” Keyleth answered quickly. Vax merely smirked and winked at her knowingly. 

“You said you had something to tell me?”

Keyleth bit her lip. She had wanted to tell him her feelings, but now that time had finally come, she was shaking with fear that it would be too late. “I–I’ve been thinking,” Keyleth said shakily. “About what you told me that day… that you l–”

Vax smiled at her hesitation and finished her thought, “That I love you, yes.”

“Yeah,” Keyleth’s face felt too warm, her chest was too tight and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

“Keyleth, breathe,” Vax reminded her. Keyleth’s eyes were wide open in his direction. He brought her hand to his chest, under his shirt like he had done the previous night, and started taking long, slow breaths for her to follow. Keyleth did, and when her heart rate decreased enough that she could breathe normally again, Vax reassured her, “No matter what you have to tell me, I’m not going anywhere Kiki. I’m right here. I promise I’m not leaving.”

“I know,” Keyleth replied, still shakily. Some tears appeared in the corners of her eyes, but Vax wiped them with his thumbs. “I love you, Vax. I have never felt so safe with anyone before. I’ve never felt so sure of my feelings. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. Last night, you showed me you weren’t scared of me and my existential crisis like everyone else is. You didn’t run away like everyone… you stayed and helped me. I don’t want to go through all that alone ever again.”

“You won’t have to, Kiki. I’ll always be with you,” Vax said, hugging her tightly. “I love you so much, Keyleth. I just want to make you happy, even if that means we’ll remain as friends.”

Keyleth pulled away to look Vax in the eyes and said, “I don’t want to be just your friend anymore.” This time, it was Keyleth’s turn to wipe the tears forming in the corner of Vax’s eyes. “Unless you changed your mind about—”

“Shut up,” He interrupted her with a kiss. Keyleth chuckled against his lips, then returned the kiss. 

“Can we keep it between us until I tell my dad?” Keyleth asked when she pulled away.

“I can try, but I’m pretty sure my sister will smell it a mile away.” Keyleth snorted and turned back to her suitcase, resuming her packing. Vax waited, hemming and hawing at something and biting his lip until he finally blurted out, “Do you want to sleep with me tonight? Just sleep, I promise.”

Percy had left for the airport soon after Keyleth got home, having waited only long enough to say goodbye to her. She had cried a bit on his shoulder for already missing her best friend, but she understood his need to go home to his younger sister as soon as he could, but not before Percy promised Keyleth to bring her something from Whitestone. Sleeping with Vax would not be a problem without Percy to worry about, and, to be honest, Keyleth knew if she slept on her bed, she would probably stay awake all night, tossing and turning with anxiety. Really there were more pros about the invitation than cons. 

“Just sleep?” Keyleth asked. Vax nodded, biting his lip nervously. “I think that’s a good idea. I sleep better when I’m with you and I need to rest for the flight tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course. That’s the only reason why I asked…” Vax teased, wrapping his arms around her waist from the back. 

“Mhm. You’re so concerned about me, aren’t you?” Keyleth teased back, looking over her shoulder. Vax smirked at her, gave her a soft peck on the lips, and said, “Of course. It has nothing to do with the fact that I just want to sleep with my girlfriend.”

Keyleth turned around in Vax’s arms and wrapped hers around his neck. Her smile was so big her cheeks hurt. “Call me that again, please.”

“Girlfriend,” Vax whispered against her lips and kissed her. Keyleth hummed, still smiling as they kissed, and when they broke apart, she pushed Vax away with a chuckle and said, “Alright. You need to leave because I have to finish packing.”

“But–” Vax pouted, trying to grab her again.

“No buts,” Keyleth put her hand on Vax’s shoulders, turned him away and guided him to her bedroom door. “You are a very yummy distraction, but the faster I pack, the faster I’ll go back to the party.” Vax stood outside Keyleth’s bedroom door, staring agape at her. Keyleth blew him a kiss before she closed the door and returned to her packing with the biggest smile and feeling of lightness she had ever felt in her life.

Vax was her boyfriend.

—

Vax was an idiot. A fool in love. And against all odds, the one he loved loved him back. For most of his life, Vax had heard all about how useless he was, how he would never amount to anything, how no one would ever love him, so much so that he believed it with his own heart. Vax never thought he would be in this situation when he started having feelings for Keyleth, he never thought he was deserving of anyone’s love, much less hers, but here he was, lying in bed with a halo of wildfire hair spread on his pillow, Keyleth’s cheek pressing warmly against his chest, and her long and nimble fingers spread out on his bare stomach. Vax was a selfish man because even though he had to wake Keyleth up soon, he wanted to steal these last moments of quiet and safety with her. The early hours of the rest of the morning would be reserved for silent breakfasts and last-minute packing and double-checking of luggage, then they would both catch a taxi to the airport, where Vax would finally let Keyleth go. 

No. Vax would steal these last precious moments with his girlfriend. But because all good things must come to an end, the alarm clock destroyed those final moments. Keyleth sat up on the bed, still half-asleep, but already half-anxious. The blankets pooled on her lap revealed the soft blue workout bra she had picked for the night and the flight (Vax hadn’t complained when Keyleth started taking her clothes off and dove under his blankets, and he certainly didn’t complain when he followed her in just his underwear. She was right, after all. Skin-to-skin contact was more relaxing than just cuddling), and when Keyleth pulled them away, Vax mustered all his self-control to not follow the lines of her back down to where her hips raised from the bed as Keyleth crawled over his legs.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Keyleth swore as she started putting on the clothes she left prepared on Percy’s bed. Vax remained in bed, lying on his side, watching her flutter around the room with a smile. “I still have to pack all my toiletries and brush my hair. I forgot to put it in a braid last night–” Vax didn’t say anything. Keyleth was mostly talking to herself rather than with him, and he let her be. It helped her to go through her to-do list out loud.

“Ugh. My hair is a mess,” Keyleth cried, combing her fingers through her locks, getting them tangled in the knots. She turned to Vax, who was still smiling fondly, and cocked her head to one side. “What are you smiling about?”

“You,” Vax said, sitting up. He stretched his arms high above his head and saw the way Keyleth’s eyes dropped from his face to his torso. “You’re adorable. You still have plenty of time. Grab your hairbrush and come here.” Vax said, leaning back against his headboard and patting the blanket between his legs. Keyleth rolled her eyes but did as he said, so Vax started combing and braiding her hair for her. When he finished tying the braid with an elastic, he pulled it softly and kissed Keyleth’s neck. 

“Stop it,” she scolded him playfully but turned away to face him and kiss him passionately. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, my love.” 

“I’m going to finish packing now,” Keyleth said, giving him a sad look before she got up and headed out of the bedroom. Vax stretched again (it didn’t feel as satisfying without Keyleth ogling him) and started getting dressed. He knew Keyleth wouldn’t make herself anything to eat before her flight, so he headed into the kitchen where he brewed a pot of coffee (which surely all his other roommates would be happy for since most of them were leaving, too), and prepared Keyleth and himself a quick breakfast. By the time Keyleth arrived in the kitchen with her fully packed suitcase and backpack, Vax was leaning against the counter, stirring a bowl of apple, cinnamon oatmeal with honey and walnuts.

“I made you breakfast,” He announced. Keyleth grimaced, but Vax said he wouldn’t take a no for an answer before she opened her mouth to reject the meal. They ate in silence, sitting next to each other at the table. Vax’s free hand rested on Keyleth’s knee the entire time, rubbing circles with his thumb with the intent to help her relax. Keyleth was wearing his hoodie (which Vax was trying to ignore because it made him want to hold her hostage and not let her go back home), but it was missing something. 

“Kiki, can you take that off?” He asked her. Keyleth gave him a look as if to say there’s no way I’m taking this sweater off ever in my life, but Vax insisted, wiggling his fingers, “Please? I’ll bring it right back.” She finally complied, so Vax ran to his bedroom, where he sprayed it with his cologne, and ran back to the kitchen, handing it back to Keyleth.

“Here, I think you’ll like it better,” He said as Keyleth put the sweatshirt back on. He was right because Keyleth buried deeper into it with a pleased smile. 

“Thank you,” Keyleth said, getting up. She fumbled slightly with the strings, hesitating for a moment, then finally found the courage to pull Vax by the opening of his jacket and kiss him. “This will make it slightly more bearable.”

“I figured it would,” Vax said, brushing her cheek. “We have to go. Are you ready?” Keyleth nodded. Vax placed the dirty dishes in the sink to wash later and helped Keyleth with her suitcase and backpack. 

Unfortunately, there wasn’t much traffic on the way to the airport, so the ride was short. Vax kept Keyleth’s hand in his the entire ride, only letting go of it when they arrived so she could pay for the taxi and when she checked into her flight. They still had a few minutes before she had to go through security, which Vax decided to spend glued to his girlfriend. 

“I’ll call you every day,” Keyleth promised. Vax nodded. He tried to keep his sadness down, but it was hard. This was the first time he and Keyleth would be apart for so long, and it was especially hard because they hadn’t had the chance to be boyfriend and girlfriend for long. 

“I’ll call you if you don’t call me. And I’m going to text you all the time so you don’t forget me.” Vax teased her.

“Oh, please. You’re unforgettable,” Keyleth teased back and kissed him, but then her smile faded. “Unless you’re the one who’s going to forget me…”

“Do you really think so?” Keyleth shook her head, but she still bit her lip nervously. “Of course not. I’m going to be here when you come back. In fact, I might stay and sleep at the airport to make sure I’m here on time for when you return.” 

Keyleth laughed. They both knew there was some truth behind the joke. Vax really would do something like that. “I’ll be back before you know it,” She said, hugging him tightly. Vax squeezed her as hard as his heart was breaking. His eyes were warming with tears, his throat was closing, he couldn’t swallow anymore, and his vision started darkening. Vax wasn’t ready to let go of Keyleth yet, not when he had just finally gotten her. The week they were apart as friends had already been horrible for both, and Vax knew this time would only be worse. 

“I already miss you,” He confessed. “You’ve been my girlfriend for twelve hours and I already have to say goodbye to you… it’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry,” Keyleth swallowed hard. Vax saw she was suffering just as much as he was. “I’ve had this trip booked since the beginning of the semester, otherwise I would stay with you.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just grumpy.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass,” Keyleth’s eyes were starting to fill with tears, but Vax wiped them before they could fall. 

“I would have waited all my life. I will wait all my life for you, Keyleth, and if I die without you by my side, then I will wait in the afterlife for as long as it takes until we’re finally together.”

“Vax–”

“I love you, my sunshine.”

“I love you too, my grumpy raven,” Keyleth whispered against Vax’s lips before she kissed him longingly. “I have to go now,” She said, adjusting the straps on her shoulder.”

“Text me when you land?”

“Of course. I’ll miss you.”

“I’m right here with you,” Vax pulled the drawstrings of her hoodie. “I’ll always be with you, love.” Keyleth nodded. Neither could stop their tears from falling anymore, no matter how much they wiped at their eyes. 

“I’ll always be with you, too, Vax. I’m yours, forever and ever, and always.”

“And I’m yours, Keyleth. Forever and ever, and always.”

In hindsight, Vax should have known it would be the last time he kissed his girlfriend for a while, and Keyleth should have taken the five extra minutes to savor the taste of Vax’s tongue on hers. In retrospect, things could have been so much different than they were, had either of them known what would be waiting on the other side. But something deep inside Vax, a dark pitch that he had been trying to escape for years and that he finally thought he had gotten rid of with the help of Keyleth, crept closer and closer until, eventually, it swallowed Vax’ildan whole.

That is the problem with last kisses. Opposite of first kisses, last kisses aren’t usually memorable because one doesn’t always know it happened until it’s too late, and when one is finally faced with the truth, one can’t stop wishing they had just five more minutes of it. 

Just five more minutes with her. Just five more minutes with him.

Wishing they had just five more minutes together.

[andvys]

The edges of your soul (I haven't seen yet) ⭐︎ chapter ten

⭐︎ Turn me into something tragic, just for you, I let it happen

Warnings: hurt/comfort, angst, insecurities, jealousy, mentions of past stancy, mentions of cheating, mentions of heartbreak and unrequited feelings. post apocalypse au, grumpy x sunshine

Pairing: Steve Harrington x fem!reader

Summary: The aftermath of the drinking game leaves you feeling angry and bitter, and the others confused when you greet everyone with a cold shoulder -- showing a side of you they didn't know you had.

Word count: 12.7k

Author's note: I'm back from vacation and I wrote this in like two days! This and the next chapter are ones I've been excited for the most to write! And me and @hellfire--cult can't wait for y'all to read this hehe. Roe helped a lot with this one, especially with all the dialogues! And also thank you for beta reading and fixing my dumb mistakes bby

series masterlist ⭐︎ previous chapter

☀︎

For the first time in a while, you hate the way the sun shines into your face when you open your eyes this morning. You take deep breaths, glaring at the light. Your palm is pressed against the mattress beneath you. You know you should get up, but you don’t feel ready yet. Your head pounds a little, and your eyes feel sore. 

You barely slept last night. Too many thoughts kept you awake, along with all the revelations you got. 

For months, you had been traveling with them, and no one bothered to tell you of Steve and Nancy’s history. Of what they once were. Of how friendship wasn’t the only thing between them. And you know that maybe it shouldn’t matter, maybe it’s not that big of a deal, maybe it’s not even of importance anymore. He did say that it was only high school love, and high school was years ago. But it still rubs you the wrong way that they didn’t mention it once, especially Steve. He told you of what that girlfriend of his did to him, of how she hurt him, cheated on him, and dumped him to be with someone else. Why didn’t he tell you then that it was her? 

Now you can’t help but feel anger and a sliver of resentment towards her for what she did to him. Even if it doesn’t matter to him now, it mattered to him then. Even if he doesn’t love her now, he loved her then, puppy love or not. She broke his heart. And it pains you to know that he suffered because of her. 

Now they are friends, and he can act like nothing ever happened. How? You don’t understand. 

Nancy’s confession led you to wake up with anger in your heart this morning. 

You turn around and face the rest of the RV. It’s empty. Eddie and Nancy probably left to check out the nearby town, leaving Steve out there by himself. 

You’re not sure if you are ready to face him after your conversation with him in the RV last night. After what he said to you. 

Steve’s confession led you to wake up with sadness in your soul. 

You wish you had known sooner. 

You wish you had known sooner about them and about being a goddamn placeholder for the best friend he lost.

If you knew, maybe you could have saved yourself at least. 

With a sigh, you push yourself up. You don’t hurry out of the RV this morning like usual, desperate for a cup of coffee – even if you are, you aren’t ready to look into his stupidly gorgeous eyes. 

You take your time getting dressed and brushing your teeth in the tiny bathroom. This is a luxury you didn’t have when you traveled alone. You didn’t always have a bathroom. You sometimes traveled for days without finding a roof to sleep under. You brushed your teeth using a water bottle to rinse your mouth with. You washed your hair and your body in lakes. If you were lucky, you found houses with water tanks that allowed you to take showers… even if only cold ones, but you were just glad to be able to properly clean yourself. 

You are content here, but you also can’t wait to get home and find comfort again. After last night, you want nothing more than a warm bath, the stew and homemade bread that your dad always makes, a big hug from your mom, and your brother’s stupid attempt to make you laugh. 

You miss them. You miss them more than anything today. 

You stare at your reflection in the mirror as you braid your hair. You hate how puffy your eyes look today and how those circles under them are darker than usual. You look so different from how you used to look before the world changed. The lack of food is seen on your body nowadays. 

You reach for the hair tie around your wrist, not the lilac colored one he gave to you. Now you wonder why he gave it to you. You know it’s Robin’s. You had a hunch, and now you know. 

A huff falls from your lips, and you can’t help but roll your eyes at yourself for getting your hopes up once more, let alone in a world like this. Of course, he had a reason to give you a chance, to like you. He wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t gotten something out of it… right? Why else did he change his mind about you so quickly after getting out of Hawkins? It wasn’t only guilt, it was something else too. 

You put your jacket on and zip it up, and eye the yellow colored scarf on the couch. You want to leave it there so badly. The bitterness inside you is strong… though not strong enough for you to not put it on. 

You don’t notice the way Steve’s eyes light up when you open the door and step outside into the cold. He is standing in the snow with one hand on his hip and a mug in his other hand. The smell of coffee and snow mixes together. The pot is still steaming, your mug is waiting for you on the small table you used for cooking last night. 

“Good morning, Sunshine.” Steve smiles at you, eying the scarf around your neck. 

“Morning.” You mumble, unable to even try and sound more cheerful. 

Steve furrows his eyebrows, his smile fading a bit as he takes in the look on your face. The circles under your eyes, the sad but also… angry look on your face. It’s concerning to see you like this – the only time he saw that facial expression and heard that tone in your voice was when you all just hit the road, after he had snapped at you in front of Robin’s grave. 

“For someone who didn’t drink, you sure do look hungover.” Steve attempts to make you chuckle, though all he gets is a half hearted smile. A weird feeling settles in his chest at that. “Coffee…?” 

He searches for your eyes, for your smile. But you hide from him, looking down as you make your way down the stairs. 

“Yeah.” 

Steve nods and sets his mug down. He grabs your mug and pours the coffee in. He prepares it for you, how you like it – way too goddamn sweet. He stirs it so the sugar dissolves. 

“Here,” he says, looking back up at you, stepping towards you to hand you the coffee.

You take it from his hands, forcing a smile onto your face as you glance at him. You try to ignore the way your heart skips a beat over the way he looks down at you, over the way he put three teaspoons of sugar into your coffee… just how you like it, over the way his touch feels when his fingers brush against yours. 

“Thank you,” you whisper as you wrap both hands around the warm mug. You retreat and break eye contact, missing the way his face falls as worry takes over. 

You sit down on the way too cold camping chair. You take a look around as you take a sip. 

Steve picks up his mug again and makes his way to your side, not hesitating to pull his chair closer and sit down beside you. He turns to face you, not even hiding his stare. 

You said four words. Only four words. You start rambling the moment you smell the coffee in the air. You are never this quiet. Never. You are just looking at the field ahead of you, drinking your coffee in silence. 

“Sunshine, is everything okay?” He doesn’t hesitate to ask. “You’re not feeling sick again, are you?” 

Guilt fills your chest at the worry in his voice. But warmth spreads through you as well, knowing that he noticed. 

You shake your head and slowly turn to face him. “I’m okay, just tired… that’s all.”

Steve furrows his eyebrows. You were the first to go to sleep last night and the last to wake up this morning. After the conversation he had with you inside the RV, you got tired and went to sleep. 

“But you slept for 8 hours,” he mumbles as he reaches over to you, placing his palm against your forehead to check if the fever came back, but your temperature feels fine. 

You lean back, avoiding his touch. “I said I’m okay.” You grumble, taking him aback. 

Steve’s eyes flash with hurt. His brows sinking lower. The pang in his chest surprises him too, making his stomach dropa little. Not good. 

You make the mistake of looking at him, and you instantly tense up. Guilt settles inside of you. The hurt look in his eyes causes your tension to disappear. The urge to apologize grows inside you right away. 

His doe eyes gaze into yours, his lips curling into a frown. His shoulders slump, and he retreats a little. In this moment right here, he resembles a goddamn puppy.

Steve Harrington looks like a puppy. 

A sigh falls from your lips as you tilt your head to the side. 

“I-I’m sorry… I just… didn't sleep that well and now I have a headache.” It’s not exactly a lie. You’re just not telling him the reason for it. 

“Oh…” He frowns. “Do you need anything? Tylenol? Or do you want me to make you some breakfast? I can make oatmeal. We got cinnamon and brown sugar now.” He shrugs. 

You shake your head, smiling a little. “No, I’m fine… I promise. Maybe later.”

Steve nods, but he doesn’t look convinced. 

“The sun is up!” Eddie grins as he spots you next to Steve. 

Your head snaps towards him. You were too distracted to hear his footsteps… or hers.

“Morning, Sweets.” 

“Morning.”

Eddie notices the tone in your voice right away, the lack of a smile confusing him. He draws back in surprise, tilting his head at you.e’s about to open his mouth to ask if you’re okay, but Nancy beats him to it.

“Are you okay?” The brunette asks, concerned as she makes her way over to you. 

You can’t help but feel tense. A sour taste appears on your tongue, not even the bittersweet coffee cannot kill that taste. 

Steve notices the way you clench your jaw at the sound of her voice, the way your eyes flash with something he can’t read, something he’s never seen on you before. It surprises him. 

Your lip twitches, curling into a plastered smile. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumble, and before any of them can ask or say anything else, you turn on your heel and make your way back into the RV, catching them all off guard when you slam the door, leaving them all confused and stunned. 

They had never seen you in a bad mood. They had never seen you angry. You had never behaved that way before. They didn’t even know you had it in you. 

Eddie raises his eyebrows, his eyes widen. He slowly turns to face Steve after staring at the door for a while. The former jock looks just as confused but also… he looks like a kicked and tossed aside puppy. His lips are curled into a pout, his hazel eyes etched with sadness. 

Nancy turns around, nearly giving herself a whiplash by how fast she does it. 

“What happened?” She frowns. “Did you say something to her?”

Steve frowns at the accusing tone in her voice. Eddie notices it right away. 

“What? No! She just woke up, didn’t even say two sentences to me,” he mumbles as he looks down into his coffee cup. A bad feeling rises in his chest. A mixture of sadness and concern was flushing through him. 

Was it something he said…? Was it something he did? Was it about last night? It can’t be right? You were fine when he went after you to talk, when he explained that he doesn’t feel for Nancy anymore. You were okay, you even shared your KitKat with him before you went to bed. 

“Maybe she’s just… maybe she is just having a bad day,” Steve mumbles, hoping that it is that. “She’s allowed to have a bad day.” He grumbles, feeling protective. He’s had plenty of bad days, and you always gave him space, just like Nancy and Eddie had bad days, and you always respected that as well. 

“So give her the space that she needs.” He tells them, before he sits down on the camping chair behind him, glaring at the snow on the ground. 

You’re allowed to have a bad day. He repeats in his head and yet, he feels rejection coursing through him, not liking the coldness he received from you. 

Though it turns out to be more than just a bad day. 

If it were just that, you would keep to yourself, avoid everyone, and do your thing, but instead, you huff and puff at everything and everyone except for Eddie. Eddie seems to be the one spared by your cold shoulder, even when you grumble in response to his questions, you still talk to him. 

And Steve feels offended by it, when he notices how you still talk to Eddie while you avoid him and behave weirdly towards him, he can’t help but feel a weird ache in his chest. It confuses him and it makes him feel sad. 

He watches how you chat with Eddie when you wash dishes in the sink, and it leaves him with a bitter taste on his tongue because when he carried those dishes to you, you didn’t say a single word to him, not one word. 

And it’s so unlike you. You always talk to him, you talk to him more than you do with Eddie or Nancy, which makes it so obvious that you have some kind of personal issue with him, and it slowly makes him experience an ache he hasn’t felt in so long. He feels anxious, but also… he feels something he didn’t even know he was still capable of feeling. And he doesn’t know what to think of it, he doesn’t know how to let the realization sink in, he is too scared of it. 

And Eddie, despite being the one spared by your odd behaviour, notices everything. He sees the way you roll your eyes at everything that Nancy says, the way you clench your jaw and stare at her bitterly, resentment flashing in your eyes. 

And Steve… Every time you look at him, your eyes flicker with hurt but also with anger and disbelief. One moment, you look like a kicked puppy around him; the next moment, you snap at him every time he offers a hand and tries to help you with whatever task you are doing. 

In return, he always draws back in shock before his face flashes with sadness and rejection. 

If this wasn’t so serious, if he didn’t look so hurt and you so angry, Eddie would have found it amusing, but this is all so unlike you. Even he can’t believe what he is seeing. 

Nobody confronts you about it. Nancy goes out of your way after receiving one too many eyerolls from you. And Steve, he is scared to even ask, scared to touch the ticking time bomb. 

But Eddie grows a little frustrated with you when the late afternoon rolls around and you are still being a snappy brat, acting completely out of character. 

“I can do this myself. Thank you.” You snap at the brunette you are usually following around like a duckling follows its mother.

Steve huffs at you, unable to hide his frustration this time but before he can even respond to you, you grab the basket of dirty clothes that he just took from your hands and stomp away, making your way down to the lake to wash them. 

“Sunshine!” Steve calls after you as he throws his hands up, watching you walk down the hill. He runs a hand through his hair, exhaling loudly before he curses under his breath. “What is her problem…” 

Eddie’s face flickers with sympathy. 

Who would have thought that your cold shoulder would be this… cold? 

He places his hand on his shoulder, giving him a tight lipped smile. 

“I don’t know what I did…” Steve murmurs, not hiding the vulnerability on his face. 

“You’re not the only one getting this treatment from her…” Eddie chuckles softly, shrugging. “I think she’s really just having a bad day.”

Steve shakes his head in return. 

“No. It’s gotta be something…” Steve mumbles as he furrows his eyebrows, trying to remember if it was something he said or did. “At first I thought it was because of Nance and I… she didn’t know that we used to be together, but we talked about it before she went to sleep and she was fine…”

Eddie winces at that, just like he did the night before when he saw how you reacted to that revelation. He knows you like Steve. He isn’t blind. It’s written all over your face every time you look at him, but Steve is clueless about it, painfully so. 

“Maybe it took some time to process that information…” Eddie shrugs.

“But why would she be mad at that…?” Steve frowns as he knits his eyebrows together strongly. 

Eddie almost wants to laugh. Yeah, that former playboy has got to be the most clueless guy in history. 

“Did you talk about something else with her…?” Eddie steers the topic away from his history with Nancy. 

Steve purses his lips as he looks down into the snow that is melting due to the warm sun. 

He shrugs as he brings his hand up to his hair again, running his fingers through it. 

“We just… I talked to her about Robin, about how lonely I felt after she died… before she came along.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah… I don’t know, maybe she’s just… missing her family.” 

Eddie nods. He slowly looks in the direction you have left. He now understands why you are acting this way. 

“Hey, listen, I’m gonna go talk to her and you get started on dinner, alright?” Eddie says, looking at his friend intently. “Bet she’s gonna be even worse if she doesn’t eat.” He chuckles, trying to make him smile. 

But Steve’s lip only twitches lightly. 

“Yeah… Okay.” Steve nods, hoping that a talk with Eddie might lift your mood – although he can’t help but feel a little hurt and sour if he does get through to you. 

Eddie pats his shoulder one more time before he walks away, following you to the lake. 

He squints his eyes as the sun shines brightly into his face. The warmth of it feels nice for a change, though. He hopes that it will get warmer from now on. The urge to throw his winter jacket off and away feels strong. 

Just like it does for you. 

You aren’t even wearing yours anymore. You ditched it next to the basket of dirty laundry. At least the pastel yellow scarf is still around your neck, along with a sweater that looks way too big on you. 

You are crouched before the lake, washing one of Steve’s t-shirts… angrily. 

Eddie clears his throat as he approaches you, making you freeze for a second before you continue. 

“Hey…” Eddie mumbles awkwardly as he stops beside you with his hands in his pockets. 

“Hey.” 

You don’t even look up at him. He can see that your jaw is clenched and that you are still huffing. 

Eddie can sense the death glare he is about to get from you, and a part of him feels nervous, even though he sees you as no threat at all. 

“Um… what’s going on?” He asks as he looks at the shirt you are washing in anger, the pink cleaning gloves shining brightly under the sun. 

“With what?” 

“You are acting angry.” Eddie retorts without missing a beat. 

“I’m not angry.” You lie. You are angry. You are hurt. And through the haze, you cannot see the impact it left on the three so far. 

"Yes, you are!” Eddie huffs as he crouches down beside you. “Did I– did we overstep with yesterday's game?” He asks, desperately wanting to know what had troubled you this much. 

“No, Eddie.” You grumble as you stop your task for a moment and turn to look at him. The concern in his eyes makes guilt rush through you. “I just woke up in a bad mood. Can’t I be in a bad mood every once in a while?” 

“I mean, yeah, you can,” he nods awkwardly. “It’s just weird to see… that’s all.” 

“Well, get the fuck used to it because that’s how human bodies work.” You roll your eyes before you look back into the cold water. 

Eddie clenches his jaw in annoyance. He feels a bit surprised by the attitude you continue to give him. 

“Okay, enough of this.” He finally grows frustrated. “What the fuck happened when you and Steve went to sleep last night? Did he do something he shouldn’t?”

You freeze. 

Growing flustered at the way he worded it, you can’t help but flush all over, which in return, leaves you feeling even angrier. 

You get up with the shirt in your hand and turn to face him, frowning. 

“No! He didn’t do anything! What does Steve have to do with anything?” You shrug at him. 

Eddie stands up as well, taking a step closer to you. 

“Because before going to bed you were completely fine, and today you are being a cunt!” 

Your jaw falls slack, your eyes flashing with disbelief as you frown angrier than you did all day. 

Eddie would have laughed at the expression on your face if this weren’t so serious. 

“A cunt!?” 

“Yeah! And I would like to know why!” He throws his hands up, growing frustrated with you. “I thought we were best friends, sweetheart! I thought we talk to each other when shit bothers you!” 

A flash of guilt rushes through you, and your angry expression fades for a second. Your shoulders slump as your cheeks heat up. 

The hurt is still there, burning stronger than before now. You look down into the grass that comes through the snow again. You take deep breaths and contemplate on how to open up, on how to say things without exposing too much, without exposing your feelings and the pain that you have felt since yesterday night. 

It all boiled up and you woke up in anger this morning. 

Steve and Nancy. Steve and Robin. 

It all reminded you of all your failed friendships and your failed relationship. It reminded you of all the moments you have spent playing the placeholder without knowing it, of all the one sided love you have had in the past, platonic and romantic. You thought it would be different this time. You felt that it would be different this time. 

But of course not, you were a fool once again. 

Even with him, Eddie. He called you a best friend when it isn’t the truth, maybe it is to you, but not to him. Nancy is his best friend, of course she is. They have known each other longer. You came along months, years after they had gotten this close. So, you can’t even be mad or hurt.

But it makes you feel bad. You know if a choice had to be made for whatever reason, it would never be you. Not to him, not to anyone. 

And it makes you feel worse to think of him. You thought that he could be the one, a best friend. You even ignored the part that wanted him as something more. You were happy to have him just like this. You were so lost in the delusion that you didn’t realize that you were nothing but a reminder of her, someone he could play pretend with. 

Why else would he have risked his life for you? 

He didn’t want to lose you because he would lose her a second time. 

Tears build up in your eyes as it all comes through you once more. You don’t want him to see, and you don’t want to cry in front of him, so you keep your eyes on the ground. 

“I just found out stuff that I think I should have known a while ago… I’ve been traveling with you for months, and I just now found out that Nancy was the girl that was with Steve…? That she was the girl who cheated on him?” You ask, swallowing the sour taste on your tongue. 

It all clicks in his head. 

“So… this is all because of jealousy?” 

You snap your head up, glaring at him. 

“Jealousy!?” You shriek, causing him to rub his ears as he winces in pain. 

“No need for that screech, that fucking hurt–”

You throw the wet t-shirt at him, not giving him the time to react before it slams wetly against his chest and his chin, making him stumble back in surprise. 

“What the–”

You turn on your heel, abandoning the laundry and him as you stomp away in anger, not giving him any time to react to your sudden outburst. 

Eddie frowns in disgust as he looks at the wet shirt. He scrunches his face up, furrowing his eyebrows as he looks up. 

“Where are you going!?” 

You only flip him off in return after throwing those pink gloves on the ground, leaving him in shock yet again. 

“Jesus Christ…” He mumbles, shaking his head. 

He wants to go after you, but he knows that he will only make it worse. So, as Steve had told him before, he gives you space. Though he can’t help but feel concerned as you walk further away from him. 

He looks up at the hill, preparing for the anger on Steve’s face when he comes back without you. 

-

You need space. You need a moment to yourself, a moment to breathe. You needed to escape. Ever since you were a kid, every time you had gotten into a conflict or felt hurt because of something, you stormed away, escaping into the sunflower field behind your house or any flower field you could find in reach. It always calmed you down, it always gave you comfort, to be surrounded by nature, to be by yourself, even if just for a moment. 

You found no flower field out here but you found a little clearing, a peaceful little place where you could find some alone time. But now that the anger you felt all day slowly began to fade, the guilt started slipping in for how you treated everyone – even if you are still hurt about absolutely everything. 

You are picking at the lilac hair tie, frowning at it. 

You will never be her. 

And you will never be as special to him as she was to him. 

You will never be anything more than a replacement. 

And you are pretty sure that even as that, you are still easily replaceable, no matter how much you remind him of her. 

Your eyes burn once again, and the feeling in your chest that had been suffocating you since last night becomes worse. 

You hate to admit that this hurts you more than any of your past friendship breakups. These people, these three random people that you would have never run into if it wasn’t for the end of the world, have stolen your heart and creeped their way into it so quickly, becoming so important to you that you would do anything for them. 

You wonder if they’d do the same… just for you and not because you remind them of anyone. 

“Sunshine.”

His soft voice doesn’t even startle you, but you still flinch. 

You can feel his eyes on you. 

“I’ve looked for you everywhere.” He states. 

You can hear the concern in his voice along with a hint of anger. 

You take a deep breath before you tilt your head up to look at him. He is standing a few feet away from you. Worry and confusion are written all over his face. He is frowning at you, holding your jacket in his hand that you abandoned when you escaped from Eddie after throwing the wet shirt at him – you will have to apologize… 

“Well, here I am.” You grumble, feeling bitter all over when you look into the hazel eyes you have come to adore so much. 

Steve clenches his jaw at the tone in your voice. He looks down at you, how you sit against the tree, snapping the hair tie against your wrist. Your face is still tense, still bothered. 

“Are you trying to get sick again?” He grumbles as he makes his way over to you, handing you the jacket. 

He halts before your feet, his boots knocking against yours. You look up at him through your lashes. You breathe in, and he expects nothing less than another huff from you. 

Steve raises his eyebrows at you, nodding his jaw at your jacket, urging you to take it. 

“I’m not cold–”

“Put the damn jacket on, Sunshine.” He demands, the frustration clear in his voice. 

You push yourself up, patting the back of your legs to remove any dirt you might have sat on. Bitterness curses through your veins to feel him so close, to feel his eyes on you, to feel his anger. 

“I think I can take care of myself, Steve.” You grumble in response as you grab the jacket from his hand and make your way past him. 

Steve feels a pang in his chest. He hoped that you had calmed down, that you would talk to him now about whatever is bothering you, but you are clearly still not in the mood. 

“Can you? Because you dropped everything and stomped away like a bratty child.” He mumbles in irritation. 

You are not telling anyone what’s your problem and instead of talking about it, you threw a wet shirt at Eddie – which honestly made Steve feel a little satisfied, knowing that you got mad at him too. 

You turn around to face him, frowning at his question. A mixture of emotions ripples through you, anger and hurt. That one word goes through your head like a broken record since last night, and it just got louder. Immature, immature, immature. That’s what he thinks of you. That’s what everyone thinks of you. And it bothers you, it hurts you but it especially hurts to know that this is how he feels about you. 

You want to laugh for letting yourself fall for him, for thinking that he could see you as something other than this. 

“Well, I don’t need anyone checking on me or looking after me,” you snap back as you point at your chest. “I wanted space, I wanted a fucking moment to myself but none of you respect me! I’m not a goddamn puppy and I’m not a child! I can handle my own – in case you don’t remember, I was on my own for a whole year!” 

Steve draws back at your outburst. He lowers his head as guilt rushes through him. Though the guilt isn’t enough to mend the frustration in him. 

He clenches his jaw, looking at you intensely as he places his hands on his hips. 

“Don’t do that, Sunshine. We respect you, you know that.” He says through gritted teeth as your anger seems to infect him as well. “But clearly you don’t respect us.” 

Your eyes widen, and your lips part. 

“Excuse me?” You tilt your head to the side, challenging him. 

He takes a step closer to you, not realizing just how much of your personal space he is invading and how his eyes flicker to your parted lips. 

“You heard me.” He mumbles as he now towers over you. “If you respected us, you would have told us– you would have told me what’s bothering you. I thought we were friends, I thought you and I… could talk about anything to each other.” 

‘You and I’. You hate the way your heart flutters at that, like it means anything to him, like it’s something. 

He takes a step closer to you, his hands itching to reach out to you, to grab your hands, to hold them like he did before. Instead, he clenches his fists to hold himself back. 

You gulp, swallowing the lump in your throat. You hesitate as you look into his eyes. The truth lies on the tip of your tongue, but you are too afraid to speak it out loud, to tell him how much it hurt you to find out about him and Nancy, about Robin. 

“Nothing is bothering me, I’m just having a bad day.” You lie through gritted teeth. 

He can see right through you. Your left eye twitches when you lie. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Steve warns you, glaring into your eyes. “We both know that’s bullshit.” 

“It’s not.” You clench your jaw, gripping your jacket tighter. 

“Tell me the truth.” Steve demands, growing restless and impatient. 

It’s not only his anger that shines through his eyes, it’s the desperation. And if you weren’t so blinded by your insecurities, you would see how much it kills him to receive this cold shoulder from you, you would see just how much he cares, that this is why he wants to know. Because he wants to fix it, because he wants to be there for you, to make it better. 

“Or what?” You glare at him, anger and sadness mixing, resulting in an explosion. “You’re gonna call me an immature little girl again? Tell me that my family is dead?” You ask as tears well up in your eyes, and you can’t help but hate yourself for that, for wanting to cry when you want to look brave. 

“Don’t do this now…” He begs as his eyes fill with guilt. 

But you are not done. 

“Tell me that I remind you of your best friend? That this was the only reason why you even gave me a chance…? Because you saw her in me? … And now I’m a placeholder to you and a joke to everyone else?” 

Steve feels like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over his head. His eyes widen, and he draws back, staring at you, bewildered. His heart drops to his stomach, his chest aching when he takes in the tears in your eyes and the hurt written across your face now that the anger was finally put into words. 

The tension and the anger in him melting right off. His shoulders slump, and his eyes soften and fill with sadness. The guilt in him is worsening now. This is what you think? This is what you feel?

You were never that. There was not a single moment where he thought that about you, where he saw you as a replacement, where he thought of you as a placeholder to Robin. He didn’t realize how wrongly his words came across and the impact they left on you. 

He knows of your past, of the failed friendships, of the shitty first boyfriend you had. How they all made you feel. How they only needed you when no one else was around, how you were the last choice without realizing it, how you kept playing the placeholder for everyone you saw as a close friend or even a best friend. He was so angry at all of them when you opened up to him, and now he led you to believe that he felt just the same as they did about you. 

Steve watches the way a tear slips down your cheek, and he wants nothing more than to wipe it away and pull you into his arms, apologize for how much he hurt you with that wrong impression he left on you. 

“Sunshine…” Steve whispers as his hazel eyes soften at the sight of your sadness. 

Though you don’t give him the chance to explain himself. You don’t need him to lie to make you feel better, and you need no sympathy. You wipe your tears in anger and turn on your heel, walking away… again. 

You can hear the frustrated sigh that falls from his lips as he says your name softly. 

“Wait… please don’t do this,” he murmurs behind you as his footsteps echo. He follows you, contemplating reaching out to you, to grab your hand and pull you back to him, to make you listen, to put it through that thick head of yours that you are not a placeholder, that you could never be one, never. 

“It’s okay, Steve. I get it now.” You mumble, your voice still filled with bitterness. 

Frustration builds up in him again. You won’t listen, not so easily. 

Steve rushes up to you, grasping your upper arm gently, he stops you and turns you back around, forcing you to face him again. 

Your glassy eyes meet his, and you don’t hesitate to open your mouth again, but he beats you to it. 

“Listen to me, Sunshine.” 

But you don’t. You don’t listen to him. Your ears pick up a different sound, one that you can’t make out so well. You furrow your eyebrows and tilt your head to the side. For a moment, all your troubled emotions flee away. 

“You were never–” Steve pauses when he takes in the change of your expression, when he notices the concentration in your eyes. 

“What is it…?” He frowns in concern as he begins to look around you both, realizing that he let his guard down, that he didn’t bother to look around and make sure that nothing was creeping up on the two of you. 

“Do you hear that?” You whisper as you take in the struggling sound of someone, something. 

Steve instantly reaches for the gun in his belt, but you stop him. You place your hand on his and shake your head at him. 

“No… just listen…” You whisper as you blink your tears away. 

He can’t look away from that, from the tears in your eyes and the pain he had caused without meaning to. 

You furrow your brows deeper as you look around. 

It sounds like a whine, a pained whimper coming from somewhere close. You turn towards it, hesitating for just a second before you move. 

Steve can’t even react as you turn around and escape his touch.  You start running, making your way towards those sounds, ready to jump straight into danger. 

“Sunshine!” He whispers, not wasting a second to follow you as you further make your way into the forest. “You don’t know what’s out there, you can’t just–”

But you don’t listen. Of course you don’t. Instead, you pick up the pace, following the sound without hesitation. Moving past the trees and the bushes, making your way down the small hill that leads you to a small waterfall and a big stream that is moving fast. 

You halt in your tracks as you look around, and when you find the source of the sound, your eyes widen. 

Right there by the shore, there is a fallen tree lying in the water, broken branches sticking into every direction. You see the tiny paws holding onto it, the fur wet from the river. The tiny wolf cub is holding on for dear life, but the water is moving fast, too fast for a pup to save itself from it. 

You don’t waste any time jumping into action, ignoring Steve’s calls as you make your way down to the river. You throw your jacket on the ground and lean down to take off your boots, undoing your laces quickly. You never take your eyes off the cub, scared that the stream will take it. 

Steve halts in his tracks behind you after he catches up. He freezes when you throw your scarf and your sweatshirt off before your hands find their way to your belt, watching how you undress yourself before the water. 

“I– what…” He mumbles in confusion, not even noticing the cub in the water. “What the hell are you doing, Sunshine!?” 

“I’m not gonna let the cub die!” You cry out as you point at it. 

“I–” Steve’s words get caught in his throat when he notices the struggling wolf pup. His heart breaks at the sight before him, and he instantly jumps forward as well, ready to get into that icy water. 

The clinking of your belt brings his attention back to you. He stares in disbelief as you take your pants off, stripping down to your underwear. 

“Whoa, wait!” He holds his hands up, ignoring the way his cheeks flush at your bare skin, at the lace covering your skin. “The water is cold! You are still coming down from your cold – sunshine!” 

You stumble away before he can grab your arm and stop you. You dip your feet into the water, and you can’t help but wince at the coldness of it. Shivers rise up on your skin instantly, and you shudder strongly. You know this will hurt after. You know this might make you sick again, but you can’t bring yourself to think and worry about it now. 

Steve’s stomach drops as he watches you get in the water. He brings his hands up to his hair, clutching it anxiously as he clenches his jaw. 

You will be the death of him. 

He makes his way down to the shore, ready to jump in after you in case something happens. 

“I can’t believe you…” He mutters under his breath as he watches you anxiously. 

“Hey,” you whisper to the cub with a shivering voice as you take another step into the water, grateful for the tree for slowing down the stream on this spot. You just hope that it won’t get too deep, not wanting to get into the coldness with your whole body. 

The cub whimpers loudly which leads you to move faster, desperately wanting to save it. 

“I’m coming,” you whisper as you take another step, now standing knee deep inside of it. Your whole body is trembling by now. 

The water, this spot would’ve been a nice little place if it wasn’t so goddamn cold. 

Steve’s concerned face winces when he sees just how much you are shivering already. He wants to scold you, to grab you and yell at you for being so stupid. 

“Be careful.” 

Your hands touch the water when the next step nearly envelopes you fully. A gasp falls from your lips when the water touches your stomach. You need to move fast, and you need to get out of here quickly. The cub is in reach now, and you don’t waste any more time, taking a tiny step closer, you reach out to it, wrapping your hands around it, you pull it towards you, cupping the tiny animal against your chest. 

Steve watches intently as he takes his jacket off. A sigh of relief leaves his lips when you save the cub and start making your way out. 

The ends of your hair are wet, water dripping down your bare back. Your skin is covered in goosebumps. You are freezing. 

“I got you,” you whisper as you look down at it. Its paws cling to your bra straps, claws digging into your skin a little as it shivers and whimpers against you. “I got you… baby.” 

Steve’s stressed figure stands by the shore, his face is etched with nothing but desperation. The second you are in reach, he grabs your waist and pulls you outside, unable to hide the angry frown on his face as he turns you around, forcing you to face him again. 

Not even a minute in the water and your lips are purple and trembling. Your skin is ice cold. 

“You are crazy, Sunshine.” He grumbles as he wraps his jacket around your shivering body. And then… he wraps his arms around your body, enveloping you with his arms completely, pulling you into his warm embrace. He places his chin on the top of your head, holding you tightly as he rubs your back, trying to warm you up. “Absolutely crazy.” He mumbles and closes his eyes. 

You bury your face in his chest, melting into his touch with ease. You welcome his warmth and press yourself against him. The cub is between yours and his chest now, enveloped by warmth. 

“Don’t ever do that again, you hear me?” He says as he holds you tighter. 

You risked your life. You risked your life for an animal, knowing what it could lead to again. You are so good, too good for this world. And it fills him with fear because you jump into danger without thinking, not caring about yourself. 

And despite the concern it leaves him with, his heart flutters and warms at your action. You are so selfless and loving. 

You nod against him as your teeth clatter. You close your eyes and fall into him, embracing the warmth of his body. 

“I got you,” Steve whispers into your hair as he tightens his hold on you. “I got you, Sunshine.”

You breathe heavily against him, taking deep breaths. You search for his warmth, pressing yourself tighter against him and in return he pulls you even closer. 

“God… you’re so cold.” He whispers in concern as he continues to rub your arms and your back. 

The pup between you is shivering just as much, but it’s whines get quieter as it curls into your chest. 

“Can’t believe you did this.” Steve mumbles as he cups the back of your head. 

“Couldn’t let this baby drown,” you whisper against him as you press your head against the spot over his heart, unknowingly making it flutter. 

You don’t know how much time passes as you stand there in his embrace, but you find yourself wishing that you could stay like this forever. It feels nice to be in his arms, it feels safe and warm. Despite what happened before, you don’t want this moment to end. 

You know that this is nothing to him, that this is just a way of warming you up just like that night you spent in the car before you got sick. But your heart ignores your mind. 

But Steve, he doesn’t want to let you go. It feels nice, it feels right to hold you. His heart feels… alive. His skin is burning from where you’re touching him. Your scent, your touch, is driving him crazy. Your cold shoulder was driving him insane all day, making him sour yet sad. And now he suddenly feels calm. With you in his arms, he feels content, like there is nothing else in this world that he needs. Absolutely nothing. 

It’s at this moment that he realizes that he is screwed. 

His heart skips a beat when you lay your hand over it. 

Yeah, totally screwed. 

Your words from before echo in his head, filling him with dread and sadness, knowing how you felt all day, knowing why you behaved so coldly. 

Steve opens his eyes and he looks down at you, bringing his hands to your face, he cups your cheeks as he whispers your name, “can you look at me for a second?”

You hesitate for a moment, standing still for a few seconds before you look up at him.

He nearly feels his knees buckle from the vulnerability in your eyes. 

He briefly looks at the pup in your arms, watching the way it buries itself against you, feeling safe in your embrace. His heart warms at the sight. 

He keeps holding your cheeks, his eyes returning to gaze into yours. He takes a deep breath as he looks at you intensely. 

“Listen to me,” he whispers, caressing your cheek with his thumb. “You were never ever a placeholder, you were never a replacement for Robin or anyone else for that matter.”

Your eyebrows furrow as your lips pucker, “but…”

Steve shakes his head at you, “I never meant it like that when I said that you remind me of her. I never saw her in you. You are not some sort of ghost of Robin, Honey.” He promises, telling you nothing but the truth. “Your rambling reminded me of hers, that’s why it was so hard for me to be around you at first. Robin would talk my ear off about the most random things, you did that too and I just thought ‘god… these two together would be the death of me’ cause I know that she would have loved you.”

“Oh…” 

Steve can still see the insecurity flashing in your eyes, the way you struggle to believe him. And he so badly wants you to believe him, to trust him. 

These days, he struggles to be vulnerable, to show feelings, to let them in… but if that’s what he’s gotta do in order for you to believe him, then he will let his guard down for a moment. 

“But in no way were you ever a placeholder. I promise that I have never thought that of you. You are not Robin, and I don’t want you to be her. I like you, I like you for who you are. I like you for how you constantly hit me with the most random facts, for how you stay so hopeful and cheerful despite everything, for how kind you are despite this world, for jumping straight into ice cold water to save this cub.” His cheeks are flushed, and his stomach is filled with nerves. “And you’re not an immature little girl, Sunshine. You are probably the smartest, the strongest of us all. I admire you and for how this world hasn’t tainted you in the slightest.” He admits, feeling his heart race in his chest, and he also fuels it when he brings his hand higher up your face to brush away the stray hair that covers your eye. 

Your breath hitches in your throat, your cheeks burn beneath his touch. You don’t even feel the cold anymore, not even the sadness nor the anger from before.

Your heart races strongly in your chest, filling with hope yet again. The rejection, the disappointment that flushed through you before, just vanishes with ease. The look in his eyes makes you feel engulfed in nothing but warmth. The tension in your whole body disappears. 

Were you wrong after all? 

Did you misunderstand everything he said? 

Did the past really leave such an impact on you? 

“Y-You… You admire me?” Out of all the questions you could ask, this is the only one you can come up with. 

Steve’s lip twitches, curling into a small smile. His eyes soften as he continues to look into your eyes. He found his favorite color. 

“Yeah, we all do.” Steve nods. “In case you haven’t noticed.” 

You furrow your eyebrows, and you shake your head slightly. His hand never leaves your face. 

“Oh…” 

Steve’s heart aches a little at your question, at the vulnerability in your eyes, at the confusion because you don’t understand what could make you so admirable. 

You want to ask why, but you don’t, not knowing if you can keep the tears away right now. 

“I’m sorry for the way I worded things last night, for making you feel that way. I never meant to hurt you, and I never wanted you to feel like you’re some kind of replacement for my best friend. You are not and you never will be. She was special to me. You are too,” he admits, biting back his embarrassment as he gives you a glimpse of how he feels about you. 

Your eyes widen at his confession, and your heart jumps in joy.

You know… You know that this could mean something else again, that it might not be what you want it to be. That he means it platonically. She was special, but she was a best friend, there was only platonic love, nothing more, it could be like that with you. 

And yet, you want it to be more, you hope it to be more. 

Your lips part as you stare at him, as you gaze into the eyes you are falling for with no way of stopping it. Your eyes flicker to his lips, making his breath hitch in his throat, making his heart flutter and his cheeks flush. 

His eyes move from your own eyes to your lips, to the scar on your shoulder, and the softness of your neck. His hands itch to touch you more. 

The air between you changes, tension building, but not like before. This is different, this makes you both feel hot but not from anger, no, from something else. 

You are so beautiful, painfully so. He could look at you forever, and he’d only want to look at you more. 

Steve leans closer without realizing. Your breath hits his lips, and suddenly he has to fight the urge to close the gap between you. 

You blink as you gaze into his eyes. You stop breathing, the beating of your heart is so strong, you fear that he can feel it against his own chest. 

The energy between you is burning, the yearning so deep, so strong. It would only take for you to close the gap between you to feel his lips on your own. 

But you are afraid to make the first move, and he doesn’t make it either. 

Steve wonders what could have been if he had met you sooner. If somehow he would have found his way to New York and run into you in one of your favorite coffee shops or bakeries. He would have noticed you right away, he would have wasted no time to make a move on you, to ask you out. 

But he is not that guy anymore. He is not who he used to be. 

“We should get back to the others.” He blurts out. “We gotta get you warmed up better.”

Disappointment floods through you, but you nod, holding back your sigh. “Yeah…” You murmur and look down at the cub who got comfortable in your embrace. “Hold it for me?” 

“Yeah… Yeah of course.” Steve mumbles, clearing his throat as he avoids your eyes. He takes the cub from your hands, holding it gently as he brings it towards his chest. “Hey buddy.” He smiles at the furry baby, cupping the small head. 

You smile as you watch him. Your heart melts at the sight of the cub curling against him. 

You force your gaze away from him and turn to your clothes. You take his jacket off as you lean down to pick up your pants off the ground. You start to get dressed, unaware of the way his eyes find their way back to you. 

Steve can’t look away from the lace covering your skin or the way your hair falls down your back. it's gotten so much longer in the past few months. Your skin looks so soft, his hands itching to touch it so badly. He knows it would feel so good, so right to hold you, to feel you against him, to feel your bare skin against his. 

The whine coming from the cub in his arms pulls him out of his thoughts. He looks down, finding its dark eyes looking up at him. His cheeks flushed red when it dawns on him what he had just daydreamed about. 

He clears his throat, cursing at himself inwardly. 

“Okay…” You mumble as you turn back around, unfolding your scarf, you hold it against your chest. “Come here, I’ll wrap him… or her up.” 

Steve hums, still looking down, not wanting to expose his blushing cheeks. He steps towards you and hands you the cub, helping you wrap the scarf around it. 

“Hey, you’re fine, baby.” You giggle when it wiggles in your hands. 

Steve’s heart flutters at that sound. He looks at you, his lips curling as he watches the way you pull the cub against your chest, cradling it the way you would a baby. Oh boy. Something else inside of him stirs. 

“Come on…” You whisper to him. “Grab the jackets, please?” 

“Why didn’t you put on your jacket?” He frowns, only now realizing that you’re only in your sweater. He huffs as he picks up both jackets, he puts yours under his left arm and throws his own around you. 

“What—“

“I’m not cold right now.” And he likes the way it looks on you. He likes that your scent will stay on his jacket. 

“Now let’s go,” he mumbles as he places his hand on your back. “We need to get you both to the fire.”

“Yeah…” You nod as you start walking. “Do you think the mother is around?” 

Steve shrugs, looking around the forest surrounding the river. 

“If she was, she would have been here by now… maybe something happened, maybe she’s dead.” 

You frown at that, looking down sadly, “I hope not.”

“Yeah… c’mon.” He whispers, wrapping his arm around your shoulder — to give you warmth of course, for no other reason. His stomach flutters when you lean into him, no longer tense with anger or bitterness. 

You walk in silence. The tension between you is gone and your anger has faded away, but you feel guilty for how you treated him.

“Steve?” 

“Yeah?” He looks down at you, noticing the troubled expression. 

“I’m sorry for how I treated you…” You apologize without hesitating. 

His heart warms at your apology, at the soft look in your eyes. 

“It’s okay, Honey.”

The pet name makes you blush strongly. You like that he calls you that.  

“I was mean…”

“I didn’t even know you had it in you,” Steve chuckles, patting your shoulder. “I can’t believe you threw a wet shirt at Eddie.” 

You wince at that, but Steve’s eyes glint with amusement, and he seems to be satisfied with your action. 

“You like that I did that, don’t you?” 

He nods, smirking, “yeah, actually.” 

You huff, but you can’t hold back your chuckle. 

The rest of the way back to the RV is spent in comfortable silence. You pass by the lake to find the basket of clothes gone. Nancy must have finished your task. 

The thought of her leaves you feeling guilty too. You’ve been horrible to her as well. And yet… a part of you still feels bitter to think of her, to know now that it was she who hurt Steve so much. 

You avert your eyes from her when you make it back. Her concerned expression is directed at you. 

“You’ve been away for so long!” Nancy says as she gets up from her camping chair. “Is everything okay?” 

Eddie turns around to face you, looking away from the pot he is stirring soup in. 

Steve nods at her, “yeah, we’re okay.”

Eddie furrows his eyebrows when he notices the fur sticking out from behind the scarf you’re holding. 

“What… What do you have there!?” He asks, rushing towards you. His eyes widen when he sees the cub. “Holy shit! Is that a… a wolf!?” 

“What!?” Nancy gasps behind him. 

“A wolf pup, yeah.” You nod as you caress its little head. 

Steve’s eyes flicker back and forth between your face and the animal. 

“She jumped into the water to save it…” Steve explains. 

Eddie’s jaw drops, and he looks between you and the pup, impressed. 

Nancy’s eyes widen, and she makes his way over to you, concern is written all over her face. 

“Oh my god, are you crazy?” She exclaims, eying your body. She only now notices Steve’s jacket wrapped around your shoulders. “You just got better!” 

“I’m fine, Nancy…” You murmur softly. “Steve… gave me his jacket.” 

“But the water is freezing! You must still be cold!” 

The worry in her voice makes you feel even worse, making the guilt much more intense. 

“Come on, let’s sit by the fire!” She says as she wraps her arm around you, glancing at the pup who is looking around curiously. “Eddie cooked soup, I’ll get you a bowl in a sec.”

Eddie and Steve watch as Nancy takes care of you, wrapping a blanket around you before she fetches you a bowl of soup. You don’t look up at her once, keeping your head low and your eyes trained on the ground or at the pup in your arms. 

“So… is she still throwing shirts around or…?” Eddie mutters, narrowing his eyes at Steve. 

“No, we talked it out…”

“Oh?” Eddie raises his eyebrow, turning to face him, noticing the sadness in his eyes. 

“Yeah…” Steve whispers, scratching the back of his neck. “I’ll tell you more later but… she misunderstood some things I said. She was hurt.” 

“Oh…” Eddie whispers, looking back at you. You certainly look more relaxed than you did before; your expression is soft, and there is a soft smile on your face as you pet the pup. “Shit…”

“Yeah…” Steve whispers, looking back at you as well. “I think she’s okay now…”

You cradle the pup against your chest and lean back, wrapping the blanket tighter around you both. 

Both men watch you, smiles appearing on their faces. Eddie cannot help but blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Cute.”

Steve turns back to Eddie, his smile fading a bit. A weird pang spreading across his chest. 

Eddie smirks, chuckling at the expression on his friend’s face.

“Don’t worry, she’s all yours.” Eddie grins, bumping his shoulder with his own. “Look at the way she is holding that pup. Bet you’re thinking about putting some babies into her—“

“Dude!” Steve frowns, slapping his shoulder.

The metalhead winces in pain, holding his shoulder, “What’s it with you lovebirds and hitting me today!?” He yells in a whisper, frowning. 

“You deserved that!” Steve rolls his eyes as he makes his way to the RV. 

Though Steve didn’t question before why you hit Eddie in the first place, what he said to you for you to even do that. 

Did he tease you too? 

Did he make some sexual comments? 

Did he comment on your lack of experience?

Or did he tease you about him the way Eddie always teases him about you? 

“Are we keeping the pup?” Eddie calls out before Steve makes his way inside. “Guys?” 

-

Nancy feels your cold shoulder the most. While you talk to Steve and Eddie again, you still don’t even talk to her, only when you have to. 

It’s making the pit grow in her stomach. She wonders what she said or did wrong for you to feel such sudden resentment towards her. 

It’s been killing her all day, but even worse now that she witnessed you acting normal with the guys again. 

You have become a close friend in these past few months, if not her best friend. She never had someone like that again, not after Barb.

She felt hope when she met Robin, hoping to find a best friend in her, but it turned into something more. It was so very different with her. She fell in love with her, slowly but very deeply. The love suffocated her because, for the longest time, she believed it was one-sided, that the other girl could never feel that way about her. 

It turned out that she was wrong about it and that she had wasted too much time worrying. 

She wishes she had talked to her sooner, wishing she could have had more time with her. 

She won’t make these mistakes again, she won’t wait for the last moments. 

So when dinner is over and the night rolls around, she asks Steve to give her a moment with you, so she can talk to you. She didn’t even question him, knowing that you’ve talked to him about whatever troubled you all day. 

He agrees, not even hesitating to. He grabs all the dishes and forces Eddie to clean up with him in the RV, leaving her alone with you. 

It’s quiet between you, only the crackle of the fire surrounds you both. The pup is sleeping in your lap, engulfed by your warmth and your scarf, along with the blanket she wrapped around you before. 

Nancy takes a seat beside you, breathing in nervously. 

“Hey…” 

You stop caressing the pup, turning to face her slowly, you give her a tight lipped smile, “hey…” 

“Why are you so mad at me…?” Nancy asks, throwing it out. 

You tense at her question, and it doesn’t go unnoticed by her. 

“I’m not.”

The frustration that’s been building up all day boils over, and she huffs at you. 

“Bullshit!” 

A frown appears on your face. You tense up further. You know all about how that ex-girlfriend of his called him that, hurt him with that. You could have never guessed it was her. 

“Is that the only word you know?” You snap, unable to hide your anger. 

Nancy looks taken aback, and it’s more than evident. Her lips part, and her eyes flash with confusion.

“I— what…? I-I use it a lot but… what’s your problem?” 

“My problem, Nancy? I’ve been traveling with you guys for months, months! And none of you bothered to tell me that you and Steve used to date. That you were the girl who cheated on him and dumped him!” 

The shock is written all over her face, along with the shame. She knits her eyebrows together, slowly shaking her head.

“I-I… that was so long ago, and it was meaningless—“

“How can you say that about him?” You ask in disbelief, feeling the anger burning hotly once again. 

The realization sinks in quickly. It never took her long to put two and two together. 

“I… Am I getting the signals wrong, or does it sound like you like Steve…?” She asks, careful to be quiet so Steve doesn’t hear in case he is listening. 

Your cheeks heat up, and you instantly avoid her eyes, giving yourself away. 

“I don’t… I respect him, but it sounds like you don’t! I bet… I bet he didn’t deserve what you did to him and yet…”

She cuts you off, shaking her head at you. 

“What happened between Steve and me in the past does not resemble who we are now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you of our history, but we both moved on from it a long time ago. It doesn’t matter in this present time anymore. I… We both didn’t think of telling you because it truly doesn’t matter anymore.” She says, looking at you intensely.

Her words fill you with relief. He already told you that he felt nothing for her anymore, but you didn’t know where her feelings stood, even with her confession about Robin. 

“But why did you cheat on him…?” You ask, disappointed. “Why did you do that to him?”

She sighs, and her shoulders slump. She knows how awful it was, how wrong it was to do what she did. 

“I… there is no excuse for what I did. We were on a rough patch together, and I… I found comfort in someone else. I fell for someone else…” 

Jonathan. She told you about him before, you just never knew the start of their history. 

“That’s so wrong Nancy!” You frown. 

You know exactly what Steve felt like when she did that to him. 

“I know it was!” Nancy throws her hands up. The sudden tears in her eyes take you aback. 

“I know it fucking is! That’s why I was so afraid of telling Robin how I felt! Breaking up with Jonathan to immediately jump to someone else after I did the exact thing with Steve? I know about my reputation! And look at me now…” She whispers painfully as tears cascade down her cheeks. “I never told Robin that I loved her because I wanted to be sure, because I wanted to take time, because I didn’t want to move too fast the way I did with them… only for them both to be the wrong ones for me… I wanted to do right by her, and now it’s too late. And that is my biggest regret… more than anything else.” 

All your anger gets replaced by sadness, by guilt, and pity. You can’t and you don’t want to imagine what she must feel like after losing someone like her. 

Your own eyes well up with tears, and the urge to hug her, to hold her, and tell her that you’re sorry grows strong. 

With the cub on your lap, you move closer to her, careful not to drop it. You pull her into your arms, pulling her into your embrace. Nancy reciprocates the hug right away, wrapping her arms around you tightly as she continues to cry. 

You are a little surprised that she accepted the hug so quickly. She always came across as a little cold, someone who doesn’t seem fond of affection. But now you can’t help but wonder if you got her all wrong. And you also can’t help but wonder if this is the first time someone held her after Robin. 

You stay like this for a while, giving her the chance to say more but even after that confession, you know she isn’t quite ready yet, to talk more about her. 

“I’m so sorry, Nancy… I’m sorry about everything. I wish you could have told her, I wish you still had her.” You whisper, feeling the guilt consume you now. You close your eyes, holding her tighter as she melts against you. “I-I should have talked to you… I shouldn’t have just–”

“It’s fine,” she whispers, cutting you off. “You’re protective of Steve, so I get why you were so mad at me.��� 

“I shouldn’t have been… I just… I wish I had known about you and Steve before I got those stupid feelings for him.” You blurt out without meaning to. 

Nancy draws back instantly, her blue eyes widen, and her jaw drops at your accidental confession. 

“Wait…” She whispers, glancing over at the RV to make sure that it’s still just you and her. “Feelings…? Oh… Oh my god! You like Steve–”

You jump forward and cup your hand over her mouth, shushing her as you grow flustered. 

You feel a sliver of regret for letting your mouth run, but another part of you feels relief, for letting them out, for having someone to talk about them now. 

Your cheeks are burning, and your ears are too. Your heart starts pounding against your ribcage. 

“Yes, I do…” You admit, blushing. “But… He doesn’t like girls like me…” Immature girls. He likes women. That’s what Nancy is. And even if he doesn’t feel anything for her anymore, he once did. 

The moment that happened between you two earlier. The hope that lives inside of you doesn’t matter here. You are always hopeful about everything. It doesn’t mean that you will get what you want. You rarely do. You just can’t bring yourself to stop hoping, no matter how many times you fall face first. 

“He likes girls like you…”

Nancy’s eyes soften at the vulnerability flashing across your features, at the way your shoulders slump in sadness, fearing that you have no chance with him. 

But now she gets it even more, why you behaved the way you did. You were jealous and insecure, comparing yourself with her, leading you to let that monster out. 

She can’t help but chuckle as she shakes her head at you. “No, he doesn’t.”

You roll your eyes at her. 

She says your name softly as she reaches for your hands in your lap. 

“He liked me in high school–”

“And after–”

“No, he didn’t.” Nancy shakes her head. “Trust me, he didn’t. We talked about it years ago, and we moved on from that as soon as we did. Now I can’t even imagine that we used to be together. It feels wrong to even think of that, and he feels the same. He truly feels the same.” She tries to put it through that thick head of yours. She takes a deep breath and opens her mouth again. “And that is gonna sound gross considering we used to date, but… You know what Steve feels like to me?” 

You raise your eyebrows at her, tilting your head to the side. 

She scrunches up her nose and her lips curl downwards in disgust, “he feels like a brother to me now, like an annoying older brother.”

“Oh…” You murmur, your facial expression matching her own. Pure Disgust. And though you can’t help but giggle. 

“I know it’s disgusting,” Nancy chuckles as her eyes light up at the crinkle in your eyes. “But that’s how I feel. It’s how he feels too.” She shrugs, holding your hands tighter. 

And it does calm you a little, but only a little. 

“That… doesn’t mean that he likes me back, though. In fact… I don’t think that I stand a chance.”

“What makes you say that?” She frowns, watching how you look down again. “What if you do have a chance…?”

You roll your eyes again, keeping your eyes trained on the pup. “He once called me insufferable… and I’m also inexperienced. There is nothing that someone like him could want in me.” 

“You think your inexperience makes you less attractive, less interesting or something?” Nancy mumbles in confusion, knitting her eyebrows at you. 

You shrug. 

“That’s… No.” She shakes her head, scoffing. “You are worrying too much about it… Besides, you should have seen the look on his face when you told us that you’re a virgin.”

Her words pique your interest. You haven’t really paid attention to him when you admitted that, you were too flustered to catch his reaction. 

You slowly look up at her, your eyes meeting hers again. 

“What look…?”

Nancy’s lip curls into a smirk, her eyes flashing with something you can’t read. 

“Well… first it was disbelief, like he couldn’t understand how someone like you hasn’t fucked ever before.”

You blush deeply.

“Someone like me?” You ask with a small voice. 

Nancy huffs at you, “In case nobody told you, you are hot – like super hot and you are gorgeous too. If you weren’t my best friend, I’d be all up on you.”

“Nancy!” You gasp, blushing even deeper at her words. 

She laughs loudly at the flustered look on your face. 

“It’s nothing but the truth!” 

You are giggling now, looking down with your burning cheeks. You pull the cub closer to you again, snuggling it against your chest. 

Nancy gives you a moment, though her eyes never leave your face and the smug smile doesn’t either. 

“Second, he looked like he was ready to change that for you… You know, that inexperienced part.” 

Nancy laughs loudly when your eyes widen and you try to hide behind your face, growing flustered more than you ever did before. 

“N-No he didn’t!” You squeal. Though you can’t deny the fact that her words stir something inside of you, that they don’t fill you with excitement and hope. 

Because even if you wouldn’t admit it out loud, you would love it if Steve was the one to be your first… and perhaps your last. 

“Oh but he did, sweetie,” Nancy giggles, unable to hide her grin, unable to stop teasing you after this. 

You stay outside, sitting beneath the stars and next to the fire with the wolf pup in your lap, unable to stop blushing but also giggling at Nancy’s teasing. For a moment, everything feels so normal, like you are hanging out with your best friend, talking and gushing over your crush. 

For a moment, you forget everything that happened today. 

For a moment, you let go again. 

For a moment everything feels… okay. 

Not knowing that tomorrow would change everything. 

If only you knew that your hands would be dripping with blood. 

☀︎

taglist: @prettyboyeddiemunson @pretentious-blonde @thecreelhouse @tvserie-s-world @thesickestqrmydcll @crispystarfishhottub @sophal22 @definitionwanderlust @talkativecarnation @mysticalwoolenfroglegs @ariesandwolves @mortqlprojections @sattlersquarry @sherrylyn0628 @purpleeyeswithgoldensparkles @micheledawn1975 @keepingitlokiii @littleromanoff2005 @sunshine-mrk @xxladymjxx

[sluttywonwoo]

instead of you [part thirty-three] || l.mh

pairing: [best friend’s brother] lee minho x college!reader ft. han jisung

summary: you didn’t expect to spend your summer pretending to be your best friend’s girlfriend- then again, you didn’t expect to fall for your best friend’s brother, either. 

warnings: swearing, angst, discussions of plane disasters, mentions of sex (mdni ; 18+)

word count: 3k

a/n: revamped my tom holland series from my main blog ( @wazzupmrstark ) to try and motivate myself to finish it!!

additional a/n: disclaimer that this chapter and the following chapters take place on oahu and kauai, hawai'i. i wrote this a year ago (originally posted on sept. 22, 2022) and included mentions of the negative impact and sentiment tourism in hawai'i procures, but it was before the fires in maui. i included hawai'i in their vacation in the first place because i'm part hawaiian and wanted to bring attention to our people's attitude toward tourists while also writing about the parts of the islands that i grew up loving. and i thought i should clarify that before posting, as i feel the context is important to precede what would be an otherwise distasteful choice if i had written this now. please keep hawai'i in your thoughts, mahalo plenty <3

series masterlist | early access to the next chapter on ko-fi

Predictably, you cried yourself to sleep. You debated over whether or not to tell Minho. He’d probably find out when he woke up in the morning but would he be mad if he didn’t hear it from you? If Jisung was right, he didn’t care about you at all, so why would you grant him the courtesy of a head’s up? You didn’t want to believe Jisung, rather, you wanted to believe that he had only said those things in the heat of the moment but at the end of the day, he knew Minho far better than you did. Whether or not he was telling the truth to try and save you or lying to hurt you was up to you to decipher.

You wound up texting Minho, ‘Jisung knows,’ without any other context and calling it a night. 

The next morning, you woke up to a message from Jisung telling you not to bother getting ready for the day and that he’d be going on without you. It was mostly a relief not to have to put on an act after everything that happened the night before but it also stung.

You weren’t very optimistic about repairing your relationship with Jisung, but any lingering hope vanished when he wouldn’t even look at you in passing in the hallway. 

You spent the entire day in bed, trying to distract yourself with anything you could think of to pass the time. You scrolled through social media until your timelines stopped refreshing with new content. There wasn’t anything interesting enough on TV to pull you out of spiraling so you didn’t even bother trying to find something to hold your attention. 

At one point you remembered the book you were reading but as soon as you opened it you were greeted by all of Jisung’s little annotations he had left for you. He still had your book and you wondered if he would ever finish it now that you’d ruined everything. 

You thought about texting him, just to check in or try and talk about things but you didn’t want to bother him. A couple of times, you almost texted him just out of instinct. You would go to send him a tweet that you thought he’d find funny and then remember.

Minho came by your room that night after dinner when everyone was back from the day’s activities. He knocked twice, letting himself in before you’d even finished telling him he could enter. 

“Care to explain what happened?” he asked, hands on his hips.

You shrugged noncommittally. “Jisung found out.”

“How? Did you tell him?”

“And ruin my own relationship with my best friend? Yeah, definitely.”

Minho rolled his eyes. “I didn’t come here to argue. I just want to know what happened.”

“Then don’t accuse me of shit.”

“I didn’t mean- I’m sorry. That’s not what I was trying to do.”

You sighed and signaled for him to sit down if he wanted to. He did, perching himself on the edge of the bed cautiously. 

“He knows because he noticed me sneaking out and finally decided to follow me.”

The color drained from Minho’s face. “So he heard-”

You nodded. “I don’t know how much, but enough.”

“Fuck.”

“Fuck is right.”

“He wouldn’t say a word to me today,” Minho said. 

“He wouldn’t even look at me.”

“I guess we knew this would happen eventually.”

“Yeah.”

“We fucked up.”

“Yeah.”

“You were right.”

“What do you mean?” you asked, furrowing your eyebrows.

“We really do deserve each other.”

Oh. What Jisung had said earlier rang through your ears again. 

“I guess I was.”

Just then, the door to the bedroom opened and Jisung walked in, scoffing as he passed his brother. 

“I should have known,” he muttered to himself. 

“Ji, look-” Minho tried, only to be immediately cut off by his younger brother. 

“Don’t. Please just fucking don’t.”

“But-”

“God, you never listen to a word I say, do you? Either of you?”

You wanted to protest that you did listen to him but you thought better of it. It wouldn’t help your case at all. Instead, you sat there silently like a child being scolded. 

“I don’t want to hear you explain yourself,” Jisung continued. “I don’t care why you fucked my best friend. I think the act in itself doesn’t need an explanation.” Minho opened his mouth to respond but Jisung cut him off again. “I don’t want to hear an apology either. I already know you don’t mean it. In fact, I think we’re done here so if you wouldn’t mind getting the fuck out of my room...”

Minho looked like he wanted to argue but likely knew it wouldn’t do any good so he simply hung his head and let himself out, bidding you a quiet goodnight as he left. You didn’t respond. You didn’t even acknowledge him. How could you?

“Don’t forget to pack your things for the flight tomorrow. It’s a long one.”

You sat there, stunned. You hadn’t expected Jisung to speak to you at all, let alone say something amicable. 

“O-ok thanks,” you responded shakily.

“I’m sleeping in here tonight,” he added. 

“Oh-” you scrambled up, preparing to leave but Jisung stopped you. 

“No, I meant with you. It’d look weird if I slept on the couch again.”

Of course. Keeping up appearances.

“Is it even worth it to do this anymore?” you asked. “I mean, it’s falling apart at the seams.”

“It’ll be fine,” Jisung argued. “It’s just a few more weeks.”

“Do you really want to keep pretending to be in love with someone you hate?”

He froze, still bent over his suitcase. Then he straightened up and turned to face you. 

“I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?”

“No, I don’t think I could ever hate you. I’ve been trying, trust me.”

You weren’t sure how to take that. You weren’t sure how you were supposed to take it. You tried not to let his words stoke the embers of hope you were still clinging on to but it was already proving difficult. 

“Maybe with time,” you suggested. 

He shrugged. “Ready for bed?”

-

You managed to get some sleep, despite everything. It took a while for your heart to calm down as you lay there beside your (ex?) best friend who was already snoring softly. He had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. You weren’t sure how he was able to drift off so easily in spite of your whole friendship falling apart but perhaps the stress was only one-sided. 

You were the one being eaten alive by anxiety and guilt. All he had to do was mourn the loss of everything you destroyed. 

The hours of sleep you did get passed quickly without dreams which was unusual for you. Before you knew it, Jisung’s alarm was going off and both of you were groaning as you dragged yourself out of bed. 

You finished packing the rest of your things in relative silence. Neither of you had much to say aside from when you passed each other’s things back and forth from your suitcases. 

The sun had yet to come up when the rest of the Hans gathered in the kitchen with their luggage. Since the flight was over twelve hours long Jisung’s parents had booked the earliest possible departure which just so happened to be before the sunrise. 

The boys slept during the ride to the airport but you weren’t able to. You were squished between Jisung and Minho in the very back of the van, feeling like a pin in a grenade. They ignored each other, of course, both seemingly dead to the world. 

Minho woke up before Jisung. He glanced over at you and offered an expression of sympathy. You just shrugged in response. 

Sitting in the car like that caused your knees to brush up against each other every so often, each time you rounded a corner or went over a speed bump. Every time it happened you fought the urge to meet his eyes. The touch, be it fleeting, made your chest tighten over and over again until you were half-convinced you were going into cardiac arrest. Eventually, Minho gave up trying to give you space and just let his knee rest against yours. Funnily enough, it helped you relax.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“It’s fine.”

He was so hard to read these days. Not that he was ever easy to read. You couldn’t tell whether or not he liked having his knee there. You weren’t sure why you were getting so caught up on it in the first place.

You longed to hold his hand. You longed to hold Jisung’s hand. But all you could do was sit there in between the two and wait until you finally arrived at the airport. 

Thankfully, Minho was sat with his parents for the flight, which meant you were squeezed in between Jisung and Felix. You gave Jisung the window seat, knowing you wouldn’t get any sleep yourself. He looked like he wanted to argue when you offered it to him but ultimately surrendered when he saw the look in your eyes. You compromised for switching halfway through since the flight was so long but even that seemed to be pushing it for him. 

It was funny how Jisung was still looking out for you after everything you had done. It was as if it was instinctual to him, to put you before himself. The realization almost made you tear up. Had you cared that much for him too? Or was it all one-sided? Either way, you were positive you didn’t deserve him.

-

Dom had chosen Hawai’i as his destination. A controversial choice, given the state of tourism at the moment, but it wasn’t like you had much say in the matter. Jisung had confided in you earlier in the trip that he had tried to talk his father out of it but that he couldn’t be swayed. 

“We might as well try to make the most of it,” you argued. “It’s like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, right?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

The flight from Bali to Hawai’i was over twelve hours long which meant that you had roughly six hours to figure out how to entertain yourself before it was time to trade places. You could try to sleep but that meant leaning on Jisung and you were almost positive the last thing he wanted was for you to touch him right now. 

You didn’t feel like paying for the in-flight wi-fi so you had to get creative with how to keep yourself busy. You scrolled through your camera roll for a while but it just made you sad. The pictures from the trip were one thing, but then there were all of the ones of you and Jisung back at school. The further back you went, the happier you seemed. There was no way that was actually true, it was just putting more distance between what had happened in the present from the way things were in the past. That, and you had a tendency to romanticize the past. 

“Did you know flight attendants are trained to take oxygen masks from passengers?”

Felix’s voice from beside you pulled you from your spiral of self-pity almost immediately. You turned to look at him and cocked your head in confusion. 

“What?”

“Like, you know that whole spiel they give you about safety before the plane takes off? And they’re like ‘during the flight, oxygen masks might drop from overhead’?”

“No, I know all of that. Why would they take the masks from passengers? Do they not have their own?”

“They do, but they might need to move around the cabin when that happens in case of an emergency or something, and if that were to be the case, they’re trained to take masks from passengers to oxygenate themselves. They’ll give it back, but in order to do their jobs they might have to borrow one without asking.”

“What if the passenger passes out?”

“Then they’ll be able to help them! Because they’re fully oxygenated.”

You made a face. “I’m glad you’ve got the aisle seat, then.”

Felix shrugged, grinning. “It sounds fucked up, but it’s just logistical. Wanna know something actually fucked up? These seat belts are practically useless.”

“What?” you weren’t sure if you really wanted to know where he was going with this but your morbid curiosity got the better of you once again. “What do you mean?”

“Well, they help with turbulence and stuff but in the event of a crash, these aren’t going to do shit for us. They’re just here to keep us strapped to the seat so they can identify the corpses by looking at the flight log.”

You sat there in stunned silence as the information Felix had just told you sunk in. 

“That is... so dark,” you said finally. 

“Yeah, but isn’t it interesting?”

“I guess, but why did you have to tell me all of this while we’re in the air?”

“Because it’s relevant!”

You sighed and glanced back at Jisung who was asleep and slumped against the window. “Ready to switch?”

It was just a joke but Felix scoffed nonetheless. 

“I’m offended,” he whispered. 

“And I’m traumatized.”

“My bad.”

Somehow, Felix kept you occupied until it was time to switch with Jisung. You lost track of time talking to him about everything and nothing. Out of all of the Han brothers, Felix was the one you knew the least. 

You learned a lot about him in the six and a half hours you sat next to each other. You learned that he, like Jisung, had a passion for photography. He liked anime but manga adaptations always disappointed. He wanted to be a dancer when he was little, just like his big brother. 

When it was Felix’s turn to inquire about you, you were sort of at a loss for words. You had to tread carefully around how much to actually reveal about yourself. When to lie, when to stretch the truth. You were exhausted. It was exhausting. But Jisung had made it clear that this was still important to him despite you not seeing the point anymore. So you played along for his sake. It was the least you could do since you ruined everything else. 

You talked mostly about school, what you were studying, what you wanted to do with your degree... all the small talk that usually took place when you first met a person, not after you’d been traveling with them for over a month. But Felix didn’t know a lot about you interests wise so he listened intently and asked a lot of questions. 

When it was finally time to actually switch, you were half-relieved, half-bummed. Talking with Felix was fun but you hated lying to him. 

Jisung lifted up the armrest between you and him to let you slide over while he stood awkwardly in the aisle. 

“Do you want to use my hoodie as a blanket, baby?” he asked.

“Sure, thanks.”

He laid it over your shoulders after you got settled against the window, kissing you on the head and telling you goodnight. 

You shut your eyes and tried to relax but sleep wouldn’t come. You knew it wouldn’t. You took deep breaths in an attempt to slow your heart rate, lowkey considering holding your breath until you passed out. 

Next to you, Jisung was flipping through the in-flight movies. You could hear him tapping on the touchscreen, huffing in frustration when he couldn’t find anything he wanted to watch. 

“You okay, bro?” Felix asked his twin. 

You felt Jisung sort of shift, likely checking to see if you were asleep. He sighed. 

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Relationship troubles?” Felix guessed.

“Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been pissy for like, the past two days. I assumed it had something to do with your girlfriend.”

“She hasn’t been sleeping well,” he explained simply, lying through his teeth. Well, it wasn’t technically a lie because you weren’t sleeping well, but that had nothing to do with why Jisung was upset. “The exhaustion has been leading to a lot of fights.”

“Sorry, man.”

 “It’s okay. It happens. Not that you would know.”

Felix scoffed. “Ouch, I try to have a heart-to-heart with you and you go there?”

“This is a heart-to-heart to you?”

“You know what I mean. A real conversation.”

“Okay, but I’m right. You wouldn’t know.”

“Not all of us can have healthy relationships like you, Jisung,” he sighed.

“I know. I think I’m mom and dad’s only chance at grandchildren at this point.”

“Not if our brother has anything to say about it,” Felix said lowly. 

“What do you mean?” Jisung asked.

He sounded genuinely confused but you knew that internally he was panicking because you were too. You were still pretending to be asleep but you had stopped breathing, waiting to hear what he would say next. How much did Felix know? You and Minho weren’t great at sneaking around but you had at least tried to be a little careful. 

“You mean you haven’t noticed the way Minho looks at her?”

“Not really? But you spend more time with him. You know him better than I do.”

“Well, you should pay more attention. He makes it kind of obvious,” Minho muttered.

“Makes what kind of obvious, though?”

“That he wants her.”

“What?” 

“I can’t believe you haven’t caught on to him flirting with her.” 

“Well obviously he’s doing it behind my back so-”

“Sorry you had to find out this way,” Felix said, likely grimacing, “but at least she isn’t reciprocating, from what I’ve seen.”

“Yeah, at least there’s that,” Jisung murmured. 

You were able to exhale in relief, but only slightly. Felix didn’t know everything but he could tell Minho was interested which wasn’t a good sign. How long had he been picking up on that? 

Your best friend sighed angrily. “The one thing I thought Minho couldn’t take from me-” 

You bit the inside of your cheek, guilt consuming you all over again. 

“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?” Felix asked. “He hasn’t even made a move or anything, mate. I just think he thinks she’s cute.”

“With Minho, that’s enough.”

i'm sick so no tags :(( but i've got nothing else to do so here ya go, lmk what you think I always appreciate feedback!!

add yourself to the taglist here!

[snek-eyes]

Good Omens fic recs

Hello all! Wanted to share a few of my longtime faves. These are all pre-s2, might do another with my post-s2 recs? Narrowed it down to 10, since that's the max links tumbl lets you have in a post.

Any Way You Want It

Author: Justkeeptrekkin Words: 27,500 Chapters: 5/5 Rating: Mature Mood: Vacation, soft but introspective After finally getting heaven and hell off their backs (at a cost) Crowley and Aziraphale go on holiday to a cottage in Scotland. Fluffy with fun snappy dialogue, the two really feel like best friends here! Aziraphale struggles with his tendency to go slower than even he wants.

Instructions Not Included

Author: Atalan Words: 68,000 Chapters: 13/13 Rating: Teen Mood: Detective / Gen (There are feelings but it earns that slowburn tag) My "if season 2 isn't good, this is my season 2" fic. Now, I liked season 2, but this is still SO good. After the notpocalypse, Aziraphale and Crowley start a detective agency investigating supernatural happenings together. New characters include Raphael (who totally missed the apocalypse haha whoops), and a big spooky dog (whomst I adore). Note that while this fic stands just fine on its own, there is an unfinished sequel that imo doesn't leave off anywhere stressful.

When in Rome

Author: Kedreeva Words: 4,000 Rating: General Mood: The liminal space of nighttime conversations What happens after Aziraphale invites Crowley to oysters: Wings and reading. Tentative and innocent in those early days.

the deft, sweet gesture of your hand

Author: deadgreeks Words: 12,000 Rating: Explicit Mood: Hurt/Comfort, introspection A few years after the failed apocalypse Crowley shows up badly injured at the bookshop. Aziraphale has to help heal Crowley and save them both, and still finds the time to knit his feelings.

Chemistry

Author: Twilightcitysky Words: 122,000 Chapters: 19/19 Rating: Explicit Mood: Y'ever want a side of learning something with your romcom? After realizing they might need their own corporations to heal themselves now that they're not working for heaven and hell, Aziraphale and Crowley turn on all their bodily functions. All of them. What could be a silly premise is played out very satisfyingly, the actual biology of hormones at play here is fascinating. (this is not really at all related but: has anyone else read Peeps by Scott Westerfeld? Because the format reminded me of this in that it did a similar thing of playing straight the concept of "what could cause vampires to be real" that drew on inspiration from real life parasites interspersed between the chapters. I dig it. Anyway!)

Reservations

Author: AnnetheCatDetective Words: 10,000 Chapters: 3/? (Technically unfinished, but leaves off in a satisfying spot) Rating: Not Rated Mood: Meta (Character study as story) “There's some competition for Aziraphale and Crowley's usual table at the Ritz…” A couple of miracles bend reality and, well… you ever been like, “The boys need therapy, but who could possibly give it to them?” I love crossovers where the TV boys meet other versions of themselves, this one is my favorite.

i can't say the words, so i wrote you into my verse

Author: mygalfriday (BrinneyFriday) Words: 5,000 Rating: Teen Mood: Snapshots through history "Crowley has tattoos and every few centuries, Aziraphale discovers a new one." Simple and paints a lovely picture.

By Definition

Author: idiopathicsmile Words: 3,000 Rating: Explicit Mood: Smutty but fond A night together after the Ritz fic where Aziraphale is asexual and Crowley isn’t and how that works for them. The dialogue here is positively delightful.

Bark Dust

Author: rfsmiley Words: 8,000 Rating: Mature (mostly for injuries) Mood: Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Historical Crowley is very badly injured in a battle, and Aziraphale has to figure out how to save his life.

Tell Me A Story

Author: brilliant_or_insane Words: 5,000 Rating: Teen Mood: Soft and warm Aziraphale likes telling stories and Crowley likes to listen. But when the demon is dissatisfied by sad endings and can't relate to the happy ones, Aziraphale decides to move them forward by telling a new story. (Of course, Crowley isn't entirely satisfied with the angel's perspective on that one either.)

[calinaannehart]

time is shortening (down to the bone)

Chapter 2

“Okay, Bobby should be here any minute, he’s going to take you to chemo, but then he’s got that meeting with the chief so Hen is going to pick you up and bring you home. Then she and Karen have got a playdate with Mara’s brother so Chim’s going to come over after he’s dropped Jee off at the Lee’s. I think he’s got this plan for, like, a movie marathon or something, so save your energy for that, and then Eddie will take over from him and do your physio with you. Now, I’ve told him that you’re leg has been pretty bad the past few days so don’t try and just suffer through it, you hear me? And then Eddie will stay with you until I get off my shift, I should be back about eight, but that will all depend on how the traffic is at—what?”

Tommy’s looking up at him from his spot on the couch, heated blanket draped over his legs, and his head is cocked to one side matching the fond, yet slightly exasperated, smile that he’s directing at Buck.

“You know you wrote this all on the calendar already, right?” Tommy says, throwing a thumb over his shoulder toward the kitchen. “I haven’t lost my memory yet.” His eyes scrunch as his smile turns teasing.

Despite everything he’s going through Tommy hasn’t lost that dry sense of humor that had caught Buck’s attention. Right from that first meeting, when Chim had driven them to the harbor station after calling Tommy for help finding the cruise ship, there had been something special about Tommy. Buck just hadn’t been able to work out what it was straight away.

The man had swanned out of the hanger clad in a blue jumpsuit that should have been unflattering, but somehow looked like he’d swiped it right from a fashion catwalk, and greeted Chim with an embrace that dwarfed the small man. Tommy had shaken Buck’s and Eddie’s hands in turn and asked them what their plan was. He hadn’t even taken a second to consider another option when Chimney had asked if he could get them a helicopter.

“For Captain Nash, anything,” Tommy had said solemnly, leaving Buck wondering what the story was behind the vow, and had bustled them toward a bright yellow helicopter with an instruction to stay out of sight until Hen arrived.

It hadn’t been until they’d safely landed on the rescue ship, grabbing a much-needed warm drink after watching Bobby and Athena reunite, that Buck realized he’d introduced himself as Evan rather than by his chosen name. Tommy had stood next to him, full of jokes about how no one would fire them now that they were officially heroes, and had asked Buck if that was how life was now at the 118. He hadn’t registered at first that Tommy was talking to him as he was so used to hearing the name Evan directed at him. But strangely, he hadn’t minded in the least.

Maybe that should have been his first hint at just how much the man was about to turn Buck’s whole life around.

“I know, I just…it’s a lot of moving parts, you know?” Buck shrugs as he stuffs a clean LAFD tee into his duffle bag.

It had hurt so much seeing Tommy suffering so much. It had been three days before the vomiting had let up enough for him to be able to keep down more than a few sips of water and a handful of saltine crackers. Buck had stayed for the duration of it, calling out sick claiming a stomach flu, and turning down all offers from the 118 to stop by and check on him and find him not at home. He’d confessed the truth when he’d returned for their next block of shifts, having gotten Tommy’s permission to share the news of his diagnosis, and just as Buck had predicted everyone had been shocked but had also offered to do whatever they could to help.

Getting Tommy to accept that help from someone other than Buck, however, had been more of a battle. When Buck had taken vacation days for the second cycle Tommy had been agitated, insisting Buck didn’t need to babysit him, that he could just check on Tommy after his shift. It had been hard not to let his frustration show when he’d reminded the man how he’d had to clean up the vomit before it stained the rug, how he’d washed weeks’ worth of dishes and done multiple loads of laundry, how he’d had to help Tommy in and out of the bathtub because he hadn’t had enough energy to stand, let alone wash himself.

“I’m not judging you for it,” Buck had insisted, softening his voice when he’d spotted the embarrassment on Tommy’s face. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. Watching you suffer is one thing, but actually going through it? I wouldn’t cope any better. Just accept the help, Tommy. Even if you say no I’m going to be here anyway, all of us are.”

read on ao3

@911bingo

If you like please reblog!!!

[raveneira]

I just don't get why Ikemoto is drawing AND writing at the same time..... Like it would've been better if Kodachi stayed and wrote the story, Or Kishimoto continues it (which btw he wants vacation lol). Kodachi/Kishi wrote the better story and they had the vision, on the other hand, Ike's writing is literally a fanfiction lol.

Btw, do you think we still have hope for KawaSara, cuz it's looking too rough now? Don't get me wrong, I still ship it, but Idk what to expect lol....

Yeah, whats worse is its not even Ikemoto's fanfiction, he's literally taking actual fanfic/fan theories and makin em canon, and you cant even say its impossible because in the interview he literally gets off track from answering a question to address complaints he was seeing online to defend himself 😭 so this man DOES look at fandom feedback, so theres no way you can say its totally a coincidence that so many fan theories became canon EXACTLY as they predicted it, theres just no way.

Once or twice you could say that it was a fluke, but this is way more times than one, and the fact that he pretty much confirmed that regardless of fans justified complaints about certain things he will ignore them because 'he likes it that way' so ppl will just have to deal with it.

Meaning having any hope of him taking any of the valid criticism to improve is gone, whatever he likes is what hes gonna do, even if it goes against what even Kishimoto himself wants/wanted because it is HIS story now and Kishimoto has no intention on intervening since hes happy spending time with his family now and isnt ready to let that time go again yet, which is understandable and I hope he takes as long a break as he wants or needs, I just hate that his legacy is being tarnished in the meantime because greedy higher ups WOULDNT let the series die and Kishimoto get a break like he asked for.

The story really did peak under Kishimoto and Kodachi's writing direction, the second the story shifted entirely in IKEMOTOS direction you saw the quality DROP and the story become a directionless convoluted inconsistent mess.

As for if I still have hope for KawaSara...to be honest I dont know anymore, the reveal that Ikemoto is 100% writing and that Kishimoto himself doesnt even know where the story is headed anymore and is just as much a reader as the rest of us, and even if he does give input, he lets Ikemoto have the final say, has gotten me unsure of what to expect anymore.

Under Kishimoto and Kodachi's writing they were pretty strongly hinting at building more on Kawaki and Sarada's relationship, his bond with team 7, to really drive home his betrayal later so that it'd have some real weight and impact from all their build up. So the potential for KawaSara was very high from what they were setting up.

But Ikemoto? yea I dunno what to expect from him, but if where the story direction changed is anything to go by [which Ikemoto confirms was all his doing and its a completely different direction than the one Kishimoto and Kodachi had planned] its safe to say hes tryna push bsa, either that or troll like a mf just to keep those viewers engaged since this manga is tanking more and more every chapter and the biggest supporters are shippers who just wanna see Boruto and Sarada get together for eugenics.

I wont say KawaSara has lost yet or that its hopeless, the ship hasnt been definitively killed off yet, theres still a possibility this is just another NS situation, teasing what the ppl want just to keep em readin till the very end where he finally says alright now for the real endgame once he no longer has anything to lose by pissing off bsa lol

Even if Im unsure about KawaSara at this point in time, Im still fairly confident in BoruSumi even tho alot of ppl have written her off just cuz she doesnt have a hug scene [NH doesnt either anywhere in the manga but NS does] or a reckless attempt at saving the other [according to KK Sarada and Boruto both would've died if not for the other shinobi arriving when they did so she didnt even save him fr so this argument is invalid]

They also downplay her feelings just because shes more reserved and rational than Sarada, which is kinda the point of opposites attracting and balancing eachother out [Minato being the quiet calm level headed one while Kushina is hot headed and loud] whereas Sarada and Boruto are both portrayed as hotheaded rebels apparently, their kinda the same person atp but thats another topic for another day.

Point is KawaSara is up in the air, but BoruSumi shouldnt be counted out yet, lack of screentime and interaction didnt mean jack shit for NaruHina, SaiIno, or ChoKarui, so lets not pretend its the ship killer for BoruSumi.

Lets also not pretend that SS didnt also go through one hell of a rough patch cuz they did, and they still became canon in the end, so again lets not pretend these things are ship killers alright because they aint, the real meat of the story hasnt happened yet, and Kawaki is supposed to be getting more development soon so lets see how that goes and who its with first and judge further from there.

[caeli0306]

another chapter 12 blurb! I actually wrote this graf like, weeks ago, bc it popped into my head and and the mental image was so funny that I saved it

===

I groan, throwing myself back against the flattened pillows on my bed that I should really get around to replacing. It's Saturday, and unless I'm called in for a mission, I have today and tomorrow to myself. After I finished training in BASGIATH, the ones of us who survived had to spent a day being lectured by staff from human resources of all things. After three years of fighting and maiming and killing, we were being told about vacation and retirement benefits. Told our weekends would be "protected" after three years of barely being able to sleep for fear of waking up with a dagger in my chest. Talk about whiplash. I have to laugh at the irony - the NIA has no problem waking me up at 4 a.m., but it really does zealously guard my weekends. I don't remember the last time I was called up on one of my off-days, unless you count times when I was already on a mission that extended into the weekends.

[lovemyromance]

Hi! 💖

I’m so sorry for my English, isn’t my first language. That makes me feel very shy about send this. *in panic*

I recently learning your post about Lucien and Vassa I’m curious about that too.

That’s is something I was questioning about the mating bond of Lucien and Elain. Supposedly the “mate” goes crazy if the other person is involved in danger.

Maybe Lucien had the option to push the mission to find Vassa aside and say "sh*t, my mate is in danger Im taking back to save her, f*ck this mission" (like the reaction from Cassian to Nesta when she was take to BR). But he continued in the same position to find Vassa.

That’s makes me think like “oh, something is going wrong in this mate bond”. The reaction of Azriel for find Elain, was very impressive because the curious question is “why him and not Lucien?” I’m really curious what feel Azriel when Elain was kidnapped and why was furious to get it back.

I can’t stop thinking about this scene. ❤️‍🔥

PD. Thank you if you responding this humble person 🧍🏻‍♀️ who loves all your post. ✨

Hiii! I have been on vacation for like two weeks now and just getting around to answering all these asks but ahhh thank you so much! Your English is great and happy to welcome you to the fandom!

I think you definitely make a great point about Lucien. I have always wondered why SJM gave such a big scene of Elain's rescue to Azriel, not her mate.

The point is Lucien was not there. SJM wrote him to be across the continent. Yes he was helping them, but that's his mate (like you pointed out)! He should absolutely be having a much bigger reaction if his mate was taken.

We know he can feel the bond. He tugged on it in ACOWAR when he was trying to figure out what was wrong with Elain.

Elain was chained up with the magic-nullifying chains. We know from ACOMAF, these chains can even silence a mating bond (as Feyre couldn't feel Rhys anymore when he was chained up). It made Feyre go into a desperate hunt to get her mate back and we know it's worse for the males.

So given this, I think we can make the assumption that Lucien had to have known when Elain was in danger. Or he had to have known something was wrong at least, when the bond between them went silent. It's not like going across the continent changes the strength of the bond or how he feels it ... it's not like cell reception 😭

Also another reminder - Lucien CAN WINNOW! Not very well lmao, but he CAN. He also knew exactly where this war was happening, where their camp was - because he literally showed up the next day!! He had the address!

Anyways, what I'm trying to prove is that Lucien likely realized Elain was in danger and he knew where the war was happening... and he still didn't go to save her.

Aka: Lucien knew his mate was in danger, had the means to go there immediately (because he knows where to go and he has a way to get there), and still didn't go save her.

And yes, we can say SJM maybe just forgot. It could just be a plot hole. It could be that simple 🤷🏻‍♀️

But then I ask: If Elain was going to be rescued and Feyre was the narrator so she had to be involved somehow - Why even involve Azriel at all?

SJM could've had only Feyre rescue Elain. It would've been more impressive and painted Feyre as a much stronger, badass character actually.

But she purposefully brought in Azriel to save Elain. Why? Why why why?

He's not her mate. He's not even her boyfriend or her friend at that point. Why did SJM bring Azriel in? Rhys could've gone with Feyre if she even needed backup?

The point is: SJM wrote Lucien to be off with Vassa and she wrote Azriel to be the one to rescue Elain. In a very romantic scene. That took up 1-3 chapters in ACOWAR.

I think that in itself is very telling.

Lucien clearly does not act like a normal male with a mating bond. Azriel has shown more mate behavior for Elain than Lucien has at this point. I genuinely think there might be something wrong with the bond that Elain & Lucien have.

It's just not presented the same way as any other mating bond that has been described to us so far in the series. It is described as uncomfortable and awkward - not the way we've seen the mating bond being described as before.

I would prefer if Elriel ended up choosing each other despite a mating bond - but there are too many signs of something being off with the Elucien bond to ignore.

[she-karev]

Planning Ahead (Jolex Season 21 Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of One

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Alex Karev x Jo Wilson/Jo Karev

Canon Episode: Season 21 Episode 6

AN: I didn’t like how Link was being a dick to Jo when she was clearly hormonal not to mention stressed over expecting two babies so I wrote how Alex would have handled it. Jolex will always be canon in my heart and mind and I will continue to write them how they should have been written on social media. Like and reblog below and let me know what you think.

Summary: Alex and Jo take care of Luna who has the cold. Jo suggests they do a scheduled C-section that causes Alex to argue it isn’t safe. He later tells her he can’t watch her die like Izzie and she feels guilty at that. Jo later apologizes and explains why she wanted the C-section at first, Alex comforts her and tells her they will figure this out together.

AKA: 21x06 but with Jolex instead of JoLink

Words: 3065

June 3rd, 2023

Jo sprays the disinfectant on the coffee table and wipes it with a rag while wearing rubber gloves so there’s not another sick person in the house. Luna has been sick for the past two days with a cold causing her parents to worry and take care of her around the clock. Alex took his vacation days so he can help Jo who is getting agitated as her pregnancy continues.

Ever since they found out they were carrying twins; Jo’s mind has been racing with what’s to come of her for the next 7 months. She is still debating whether to have a vaginal birth or opt for a planned C-section since this is a high-risk pregnancy.

She wanted to deliver naturally but since finding out she’s delivering two babies Jo is becoming more inclined to a surgical option that leaves her and her babies less vulnerable to preeclampsia and cord entanglement. Jo only hopes Alex can support her decision for a planned C-section once she lays out the facts she knows as an OB.

“Okay Luna’s temp is still at 100.” Alex tells Jo as he comes downstairs exhausted from taking care of their sick daughter, “Symptoms still haven’t changed so we can rule out RSV and all the other scary illnesses.”

“It’s just an average cold.” Jo says in relief wiping down another table.

“It’s not average to her or to us.” Alex sits on the couch with a groan, “I gave her Pedialyte and she’s keeping it down so that’s something. I’m hoping it gives me at least 20 seconds of rest, God I am glad I saved up so many vacation days.”

“I imagined our vacation days at Disney Land on that Dumbo ride or those moving teacups.” Jo tells her husband who is closing his eyes, “Of course with three kids we’ll be lucky to fit in that tiny cup without cracking it.”

“And I was a big kid so it’s probably gonna be a given for at least one of the twins.” Alex chuckles lightly, still lying on the couch with closed eyes, “Don’t worry once Luna is okay and those twins are out of your uterus, we are gonna get tickets to Disney Land. Do you think they have a section for adults to drink and unwind while their kids are in magical heaven?”

Jo stops cleaning and sits on the couch next to Alex with an imploring look, “Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Not about Disney Land, but about the birth. I think we need to make a plan.”

“We have at least six months until the big day, right now I just want to rest so I can help take care of the child we already have.” Alex yawns, “We’ll make a plan and look into birthing classes or Lamaze or whatever is supposed to help keep us calm while you’re screaming and pushing.”

“That is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” Jo says before getting to the point, “I think we should talk to Carina about doing a scheduled C-section.”

Alex opens his eyes at that and looks at Jo surprised who explains, “This is a high-risk pregnancy, we both know that better than most. There’s a high chance of preterm labor and by then the organs aren’t fully developed. At least with a C-section at 36 weeks there is a NICU team ready and a neonatal surgeon if anything goes wrong. Not to mention I’m less at risk for hemorrhaging than if I delivered naturally.”

“But you’re at a higher risk for free fluid in the belly and getting an emergency surgery that could have been avoided if we opted for a vaginal birth.” Alex argues already against this plan to Jo’s annoyance, “Not to mention a risk of infection for both you and the babies and fetal trauma and blood clots and limited mobility after for you that is gonna be hard to do when you have three kids at home. You’re an OB you should know all of this and this shouldn’t be an option for you and the babies at all.”

“There are risks for natural birth too I know that as well due to my job.” Jo argues back with Alex rubbing his eyes at this hurdle, “I know hemorrhaging is just as likely to happen after giving birth and the time it takes to prep me for surgery won’t be needed if I’m already in an OR with surgeons to operate. Also, the baby’s cord getting tangled is likely as well putting one or both of them at risk. And the placenta could rupture risking me and the babies. I am trying to plan ahead before we go in with no contingencies and no surgeons around if anything goes wrong.”

Alex tries to get Jo to come to her senses once again, “Jo you know that a C-section is a major surgery. It’s a surgery that should only be planned if the benefits outweigh the risks and they don’t so far. Your ultrasound showed two strong and growing babies, your placenta is perfectly intact and your healthy with no underlying conditions. There is no factor here that calls for a C-section.”

“I’m healthy but I’m not exactly young enough to have a safe natural birth.” Alex scoffs at Jo’s statement, “Do you know what is considered a geriatric pregnancy? 35 years old, as much as I hate to admit it, I am no spring chicken. I’m at a higher risk for complications that come with giving birth.”

Alex inhales deeply to keep calm, “Okay look honey I know that you’re scared of what is gonna happen but right now I think you’re letting your fear cloud your medical judgement. This is something that needs to be made by a sound OB who can tell us if this is necessary or not. Right now, you’re not an OB you are an expecting mother of twins who has been up for the past two days taking care of our sick daughter. Let’s take this to Carina once Luna is okay and we rest, okay?”

Jo is adamant in her decision however shaking her head, “I’m not making a hasty decision here Alex I am planning for the future and making sure both of our babies live to see it. Ultimately, it’s my decision and you and Carina will have to respect it.”

“Excuse me?” Alex asks offended, “This is not just your decision, these are not just your babies they’re ours and my opinion matters here too. And my opinion is that you are not having a C-section, I won’t allow it unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

Jo looks stunned by this barbaric side of Alex, “You won’t allow me to exercise my own medical decisions? Despite Roe v Wade being overturned this isn’t Gilead from The Handmaids Tale, this is my decision too.”

“A decision that you are not making clearly.” Alex argues trying to keep calm in this tense standoff, “A decision that could kill you or one of the babies or both of them or all of you. I am not trying to bully you I am trying to think for all of us after you dropped this bomb out of nowhere. I am trying to protect our family from something that could have been avoided if we both made sound decisions.”

Jo sighs at this ready to argue back when they hear Luna upstairs crying calling out for dada. Alex immediately stands up rubbing his face tired from taking care of Luna and from this argument that is making him close to bashing his head against the wall.

“I got her, I…I gotta calm down and think before I say something I am gonna regret.” Alex goes upstairs leaving Jo on the couch groaning at this argument that is leading nowhere.

Later

Alex comes downstairs to find Jo still in the living room folding laundry tensely. He is also tense from the argument that is playing every worst-case scenario that has to do with Jo requesting a C-section. He imagined her after the surgery bleeding internally and leaving him to raise their kids on his own. He imagined one of the babies being accidentally cut with a scalpel and losing one of them. He imagined all three of them hemorrhaging and he would lose all of them.

Alex keeps his face calm from these dark thoughts as he sits on the couch next to Jo who is still folding the laundry. He thinks of how to tread carefully through this landmine not wanting to ensue an argument that could wake up Luna.

“She’s sleeping.” Alex informs Jo in a low voice, “The Pedialyte seems to be working, and she hasn’t vomited all night, so I think we’re nearing the end here.”

“That’s good.” Jo says as she folds Luna’s blanket before sighing as she sets the blanket down in the basket, “Childbirth is unpredictable, I know it, I’ve seen it its why new protocols were implanted to begin with. I know the risks of both a C-section and a natural birth and I feel like if I choose the first these babies have a stronger chance of making through the delivery safely and a stronger chance of coming home with us.”

“And what about you?” Alex asks imploring instead of pressing, “This C-section affects you too, it mainly affects you, you’re the one whose gonna be on the table. Forget being able to move around or breastfeed, a C-section increases your chances of hemorrhaging and bleeding out. At least with a natural birth you’ll have a faster recovery time and Carina DeLuca is an excellent OB. She won’t miss any steps or ignore you if you tell her you’re in pain. I-I am trying to understand why you are so insistent on a surgery that has higher complications.”

“Because I am trying to plan ahead like my mother should have when she was pregnant with me.” Jo snaps clearly agitated to Alex’s surprise that this goes back to her birth mom, “She didn’t plan, she didn’t go to doctor’s appointments, she didn’t even tell anyone that she was pregnant. She just ignored it until it was too late, and I know she had trauma, and the pregnancy warped her thinking but then I think what if there was a complication with me that she could have resolved if she made plans. What if I had died because she didn’t go to anyone for help? I am doing what she couldn’t. I am thinking about these babies and what could happen in that delivery room. I don’t care what happens to me, I care about what happens to these babies unlike my mother who never cared about what would happen to me.”

Jo goes back to folding the laundry with Alex left silent at this confession. He thought this was just from the surge of hormones going through her body but it’s more than that. It’s from being reminded of her mother not being able to acknowledge her pregnancy that ultimately led to Jo being left at a fire station and into foster care. It’s from Jo fearing that she will react the same way her mother did and hurt these babies as a result.

Alex thinks for a moment on what to say to ensure his wife sees reason before starting, “I was in the room when Izzie coded.”

Jo stops folding the laundry at this mention of his ex-wife but stays quiet to let him finish, “She just had surgery and was trying to regain her memory. It was hard and it was hell that the woman I loved didn’t recognize me, but I stayed, and I reminded her who I was. And when she finally remembered who I was her heart stopped, and she died in my arms.”

Jo looks at Alex in sympathy knowing how difficult that must have been for him, “She signed a DNR, I screamed at Webber and the others to revive her, and they did. They brought her back after the cancer almost killed her. I was stuck in that moment for years, feeling her slipping away in my arms, not being able to do anything, feeling like I lost the most important person in my life then.”

Alex looks at Jo with a pained expression, “I can’t do that again, I can’t have you die in my arms and leave our kids without their mom. I can’t let that happen when I can stop it. I can’t lose you or our kids, I won’t survive, that is gonna be the thing that breaks me so please don’t let your mother’s mistakes make you make a decision that could upend all of our lives, please.”

Jo is left stunned at this confession that makes her feel guilty for making her husband go back to a time when he thought he was gonna lose everything. It makes her feel terrible for willing to risk her own life and her children because of something her mother did when she was pregnant and traumatized. It makes her feel like she is bringing unnecessary pain to her family when they have had enough pain to push through.

A shrill cry upstairs calls their attention with Jo standing up knowing Alex needs space again, “I’ll get her. I…I’m sorry.”

Jo leaves Alex in the living room to tend to their child with both feeling raw as this night keeps on giving.

The Next Morning

Jo and Alex lay in bed feeling tired from taking care of Luna all night who finally went to sleep with a normal fever. The expecting parents have been busy taking care of their child and silently agreed to leave the conversation for after. Now that it’s after Jo decides to start.

“I know I sprung you with the C-section out of nowhere and I should have known it was gonna be a bigger conversation between us.” Jo lies on her side curling up against a pillow facing Alex who turns his tired head towards his wife, “I am not thinking clearly your right about that, and I am ignoring the fact that your in this with me too. I’m so sorry, I feel like my mind is somewhere else half the time and it makes me crazy.”

“You have a good excuse.” Alex reminds her, “Two excuses. I might not be as exposed as you are, but I know hormones are a beast that can cloud a genius’s thinking. So double that I wouldn’t be surprised if you went to work with no pants on.”

Jo chuckles at that before looking at Alex with a solemn grin, “I know it’s gonna be hard for us in the beginning and the middle, but I really want that big family I never had. I want it with you, and I want to be around to see it and live it. I just…I’m so worried that I’m gonna mess it up before we even have these babies. I’m worried that I am gonna repeat my mother’s mistakes. But instead, I am playing games with my own health and my babies as well by letting my fear win. I don’t know why.”

Alex lies on his side to face Jo fully, “You are a resident working crazy hours raising a deaf child with your husband all the while carrying two babies in your womb. And…with your history of depression it would be shocking if this pregnancy wasn’t stirring up feelings about your mother who abandoned you. I mean you told me that you didn’t want biological kids because you were worried you would react like your mother did when she was pregnant. Now your pregnant and that fear is clouding your hormone riddled brain.”

“I think your right.” Jo sighs at this, “I think I am feeling a little bit how I felt when I was depressed. I’m happy to have these babies with you and I was shocked, but I want to continue this pregnancy. I just feel so out of control like my mother was and that scares me because I don’t want to be like her at all. I want to be the mother she never was and give these kids the childhood she couldn’t give me.”

Alex rubs her arms in comfort, “You already are. I mean you were Luna’s rock when she was in the NICU, you raised her while you were working to bring life into this world, you took her deaf diagnosis with stride, and you are learning sign language for her. All of those things are not something your mom would do, it’s something you would do because you are the best mother our kids could have. It’s just the issues with your mother you need to work through again and you will because you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

Jo looks at Alex grateful for having him here, “I know that I do. I’m gonna talk to my therapist about this and see what she recommends. Because I love you and our somewhat chaotic family so much and I don’t want that darkness to take it away from me. I’m gonna fight for our family and I’m gonna protect these babies, starting with not getting a scheduled C-section. I don’t want to risk my babies or myself and I don’t want to put you through that pain if I can help it. The screaming and the pain will be worth it once these babies are in our arms safe and sound.”

“Thank you.” Alex grins at this decision, “I love you.”

“I love you.” Jo leans forward to kiss Alex who kisses her back passionately for a few moments before she pulls back to yawn, “I’m sorry.”

Alex chuckles sharing the feeling as well, “It’s okay trust me, at this moment I think I love sleep more than you.”

“Same. Let’s do that.” Jo states before curling up against Alex’s chest as he lies down ready to welcome the sweet lull of sleep they have been deprived of for the past two days, “Good night.”

“Night.” Alex wraps his arms around Jo holding her against him as they sleep in each other’s arm content and blissful after the night they had.

[marinacourage]

unpopular opinion but i want Way to get shot while saving Babe but not die and then episode ending with Pete sitting beside Way in hospital. Man is redeemed for everything he did to babe. ( I think it won't make much sense for him to fall for Pete so fast when few days ago he was still pining for his 10 year crush. I want him to take some time. )

And season 2 , I want him to go real apeshit.

Like the way all these hate posts about him make him sound 1000 times worse than he actually is.😑 I mean I fully agree he's has done some very creepy bad villainous deeds lying, manipulating but man Tony, the actual child trafficker doesn't receive 10 % of hate of what Way recieves.😒It's sad and unfortunate but jail doesn't exist for lying and manipulation but child trafficking is serious punishable offence. I have no idea of omegaverse constitution but since Babe have super senses and haven't failed dope test of car racing, so I guess using senses for manipulation also doesn't land you in jail there. ( not my fault, talk to omegaverse lawmakers 🤷‍♀️).

But like people wishing death ending for him, judging him irredeemable, making him sound like some heinous horrible psychopathic serial killer or serial sexual crime offender. 🙃As far I remember even Vegas haven't received this amount of hate when in front of him, Way is a very tame villain. Way does deserve hate but not this much amount of biased hate. 🙂

With the kind of powers Way possess, the world could be in his control. But He manipulated his friend to come to him whenever there's a problem and kept him from having relationship ( even without Way manipulation babe couldn't be in healthy lovely relationship before Charlie because "SMELL"🤢) . I agree Way is definitely very bad person here but I mean he could have been worse. Though that definitely doesn't make him good person, there's a difference, it gives him chance of redeeming himself.

But no, since no one cares, fuck therapy and good guy image. In season 2 , Babe is out of his life ( vacationing somewhere with Charlie and kids) and Way has saved him from death once so their chapter close. Since he experienced almost death once so now it's like a new birth, new life for him, where he's seriously considering his life choices. When he looks in mirror and realises people should go to war for this face.😳 ( yes i read your previous post ) And so this time he should fully unleash his inner mean bitch, go fully unhinged while falling obsessively, possesively for Pete, where he gives no single fucks about anyone except Pete, no babe, no alan, no one else. Just Pete.

Man has been sad and cried enough for 10 yrs. Enough he has kept things in his mind and smiled fake. Now Way doesn't care about etiquettes and keeping faces but spit mean true facts straight on people faces. 😈With the powers he have everyone should be scared of him. Like I want Way to Show them how crazy in love he can be and how far he can cross the lines when he so so deeply falls for someone and that person accepts him. What it actually means when he abuses his powers fully on others with sole reason to keep them away from Pete. What it actually means when he is really possesive and obsessed and how he actually gaslit, gatekeep, girlboss. Him getting on the nerves of every single person and they could do nothing.

I'm not Way apologist, neither I have suffered second lead syndrome from him in beginning. AlanJeff are my bias but I truly enjoy Way character too. But some of the hate posts really annoys me. I don't know what he deserves or not deserves for what he did to Babe, but i really want to see him go crazy batshit for once and fully unleash his inner lunatic bitch in love potential.😌

you almost quoted me with the “getting shot by saving babe waking up in hospital with pete by his side” since that’s exactly how I see their finale and I wrote it yesterday as an answer to a post here on tumbler 😅

honestly I don’t see too much hate towards way, maybe because I’m not looking 😅 i want to believe that many people see where his obsession is coming from, the manipulator manipulated into some pathetic deeds by a more powerful force. what pushed me to empathise with him were his words that went something like “I hoped that if I do what Tony says it will be over” because I can see how a person would be so out of their mind because of constant pressure that they’ll do even violent and disgusting things if it would make it easier on them. I might be wrong of course, I might see the situation wrongly too, but those are my thoughts so far.

i actually don’t believe that way is inherently evil. for me he’s a mean girl that needs a person who will like him and love him for who he is, and not despite who he is. as of now he’s never been fully honest with anybody but pete so even if someone liked him they liked the illusion of him and not the broken sad obsessed failure of a man with gorgeous eyes he is.

I’m almost sure there will be no season 2 but in my mind way will leave racing and lean more into the customer service in the car dealership he works at if I remember correctly. use his talents in a less evil manner let’s say 😅 and ofc pete will be slowly breaking him out of his shell and prove to him that he can be loved in a very sincere way, and Pete’s love must be strong as hell. they are 100% gonna be that one couple that exists in their own world even surrounded by other people.

as for possessiveness I actually believe it would take way lots of time to realise he has the right claim pete in any way, I have a hc that when way finds out that kenta was/is in love with pete he will withdraw severely because he wouldn’t dare to compete, he’s not worthy, same old.

but when in established relationship way would certainly recover his bad bitch persona and be the legendary trophy wife pete deserves.

wow that was a long ass reply 😅 i wonder if you’re the same anon as the previous ask :)

anyways, very interesting discussion, holding out for Friday now ✊

[netherfeildren]

hello vic, it’s vatican garden anon again back from my european vacation…. i’ve been trying to figure out how to put this in words and will probably come up short on what i want to express BUT lemme give it a go.

i know when you replied to my initial ask you said “take that back” in regards to me saying your words matched the artwork i was viewing but no girl, i stand by that statement wholeheartedly. a couple days after being in the vatican i visited the borghese gallery and got the chance to see bernini’s rape of proserpina, a piece i have been wanting to see irl for about 10 years and was finally able to do so. and though it’s beauty and magnificence struck me like a dagger to the chest i couldn’t stop remembering your words in TCC when din is chasing reader and finally catches her. i couldn’t stop seeing them in the stone. the way you are able to help create distinct images in your readers’ minds rivals that of published authors. i’ve read so many books and fanfic through the years and none of it has stuck with me in such a deep way like your pieces do. like dude, i’m out here looking at sculptures and paintings and what comes to mind is something you wrote and i read weeks ago.

i don’t know much about anything but i do know your writing matches thousand year old masterpieces AND that i will be here tooting your horn whenever you post new pieces. you are a gift to this community and i hope you continue being unhinged as hell here and on twitter cause man do you give me some laughs with the stuff you post over on that hellhole.

ps PINK — fantastic magnificent jaw dropping panty soaking piece of writing there. i don’t know how you came up with that idea but girl am i GLAD you did. the daddy kink the slight breeding kink the fucking your ex-husband’s DAD, my god. you ticked a good chunk off my list. i can’t wait to see how you bring it all together in the last chapter.

hugs and kisses,

vatican garden non 🫶🏽

hello, my friend. apologies for sitting on this for a few days, but you’ve truly left me speechless this time. a mere thank you seems entirely ineffectual and redundant so i’m only going to say it once and not go on and on and that’s it. thank you truly from the bottom of my heart so much. your words and your kindness mean everything to me because to be honest my writing means everything to me and for you to share the way you feel about my work with me… there are no words. i really truly appreciate you so much.

i love the borghese, one of my favorite museums in the whole world. i feel like the focus is always on proserpina’s face, so tragic, unbelieving, etc. but pluto’s expression is what i always remember the most, that evil smirk like he knows he’s caught is prize and is so triumphant in it. i have a lot of bernini saved in the tcc pinterest board so it seems as if i’ve somewhat captured the atmosphere i was going for.

i hope you had an amazing time on your trip and i’m so glad to hear you’ve finally gotten to see the sculpture. i hope it was all you’d imagined and more. and please, let’s not draw attention to my very personal private internet diary where i act completely normal and sane and not at all unhinged.

one million hugs and kisses in return :)

[tsukidrama]

hi!

i came across your blog the other day and i wanted to tell you that you have a really incredible writing gift. your cottagecore has me hooked and i can't wait to find out what comes next.

would you be ok sharing any ideas you might have?

- 🪻

oh? interest in TRNT and a new anon? yes please! 🥺 i would be happy to share some ideas

y'know, i actually have almost the entire fic planned out. i haven't intentionally abandoned the story... about once or twice a month the document gets opened and i'll write a few paragraphs, though i know that's not much. i feel like i've been going through something weird for the past year or so. i don't really know how to explain it properly. i haven't written a damn thing in so long.

between low engagement, me being sick all the time, and life being stressful (mostly this), this fic just hasn't come together the way i hoped it would. The Road Not Taken is still massively important to me and somewhat of a personal magnum opus so, i'll finish it... but i do not know when.

ideas below. i wrote more than i thought, and it's gotten me really excited about the fic again! please let me know if there's anything specific you'd like me to go into detail about

alright firstly:

the next big thing is what i've been calling the intervention arc. obviously we have to address some of the heavier emotional issues that both Annie and the reader have. nothing can move forward until our main characters are communicating again! both with each other and with their support system.

vacation arc! i want to write more about what's left of the world post-Rumbling on a global scale. i also need a reason to get them away from the cottage for a decent chunk of time so i thought i'd have them explore a bit.

there will be a subplot about the cats who live around the cottage, just for funsies. i have a chapter title planned for it and everything lmao

there will be a pretty major division amongst the eldians later on about some of them wanting to go back and live on Paradis. to be completely honest, i haven't decided how i want that to resolve and who, if anyone, is going to leave. but we have definitely not heard the last about Paradis. some assorted thoughts elaborating on that, and how the ending could potentially play out either way:

i don't know i should give EVERYONE a happy ending or not. my initial plan was to write what i think the characters would actually do in this post-Rumbling scenario i've imagined (let's call this Ending 1), but over time i've started to change my mind and be like: i'm not the mangaka and that ain't my job, so i should write my story the way i want. aka FUCK isayama, everybody gets a steven universe-esque happy ending (we'll call this one Ending 2) even though it might not be totally consistent with the way characters are written in aot.

i'd love to hear people's opinions about either ending btw

the largest difference that giving everyone a happy ending would have, is whether or not i decide to include Historia. i really adore her and in theory i want to give her a better ending considering how tragic she is, but where she's left in the end of the manga puts her in direct opposition with the narrative and the "not my monkeys, not my circus" attitude that the narrator feels so strongly about 😖 it would make me too sad to include Hisu at all if she's on the wrong side of things.

I want everyone to move away from all the politicking. they really don't have any business doing all o' that in my opinion... they're all early 20s AND child soldiers so like. please rest guys, you can be done with the whole saving the world thing...

after all, the idea of stepping away from the alliance and NOT continuing to involve themselves in global affairs IS the metaphorical road not taken

i do know how i want the fic to end in terms of Annie and reader, and it will be good. i don't wanna oversell it or hype it too much and then have it be underwhelming... but i'm hoping that their love story plays out in a way that people will call beautiful.

if i decide to go with Ending 1 then it will very much be a bittersweet narrative about how people naturally grow apart over time but everywhere you look there will be new sources of happiness and fulfillment etc.

Ending 2 would be much more idealistic. probably a bit unrealistic but it will give the characters ending that would make them happy and make us happy. true fix it fic style.

i think either would be cathartic for me to write in different ways so i really don't know where i want this to go yet. probably gonna wing it and see what feels right chapter by chapter.

I JUST HAVE TO ACTUALLY FUCKING WRITE IT

anyway like i said above the cut, i wrote a lot more than i thought i would. i got really into it pls send me more asks 🥺 it will light a fire under my ass and i'll finally finish chapter 10

[indigosunsetao3]

A Reason To Try

Current writing process:

I started the first chapter Friday after work My husband asked why don’t I give myself a little vacation? “Since, you know, you just finished one story that took four months.” No. There is no writing vacation, sir. My brain will eat me alive if I do not write this out.

Decided to watch a few disaster movies. (Gif above is from one of the ones I chose) A nice background ambiance for writing this story to. I did alot of “emotional writing” music playlists while writing Gaz’s, and rock music/military dramas for Soap’s.

Mmm, maybe a zombie movie right before bed wasn’t the best idea. I love zombies but fuck they plague my dreams. No restful sleep Friday night. Gotta find a new ambiance for writing.

Lots of Google searches. Maps (so many maps). Shipping ports. CDC job titles. Flight lengths. Public school transportation in a major city. Average snowfall in -blank city-. Military scarf name. Jungle wildlife in -blank country-. Timezones. Commune living in the US. Temp work from home jobs. There’s more, this is just what I remember off the top of my head.

Wrote up 3k yesterday…and in my reread this morning decided a chunk of it doesn’t fit. It needs to either be a ‘memory’ that we flashback to later orrrrr reworked. So gotta save that for later and fill back in the blank space I created.

Easter plans with family today so I won’t get to write as much. So I’ll just be climbing the walls in my brain until I get back to my laptop. Weekends are my “writing spree” times and when I lose a day it throws me off.

Angry Alex 🥵. That’s it, that’s the tweet.

[little-peril-stories]

Camp Nano July 2023

How It Went

Um, not how I expected.

The good:

I managed to write every day. I'll confess here that, because we went on vacation and were all over the place most days, I sometimes updated my word count for the day, wrote more, and saved that 'update' for the next day because I like getting the badges. (All the writing was done in July though! I did all the outlining and planning work between February and June, but I didn't start writing till July 1.)

My outline was helpful. I didn't spend a lot of time agonizing over "what happens next" because I always knew, even if the specifics were a little fuzzy. My process boils down to 'plan hard, but allow for deviation & exploration' and it seems like that is still a system that works for me.

Some of the writing was OK. I mean, it's a writing challenge and I was going fast. She gonna need work. But I often smiled while I was writing, or when I was rereading scenes, and that's a good indicator for me. :)

The , uh, well, you see:

I wasn't always feeling it. Trying to track exactly why I felt this way has been tough. I'm willing to admit it could have been burnout (or something adjacent to it) since Camp Nano began right on the heels of the end of the school year, and I had just finished the whirlwind of writing The Queen of Lies in a month, a Thing That Happened that we may never understand. Maybe I started planning too early and the passion had faded since the height of my enthusiasm as I plotted it out. Idk. Maybe it was being on vacation, constantly being around people and having limited time to myself to really feel the story and the words and the everything. Idk.

The romantic tension isn't there. And this one hurts, because I (personally, as someone who is actually really new to writing romantic tension lol) think I did this really well in TQOL, so what's different here? (Aside from diff characters, diff story, okay I get it, you know what I mean.)

I was distracted. And this one is purely my fault. I was editing chapters of TQOL for posting throughout this time, too, and even though it takes a different kind of brainpower, it was often the task that called to me more.

Overall:

So, I'm SUPER proud of myself for achieving my Camp Nano goal of 31,000 words (1000 words/day) on July 28. But I kind of wonder if maybe it wasn't quite the right time to write this story.

We'll see how the last three days of July go (I want them badges, dang it), but the true test will be in August, when I have no goal set for myself. Will I focus on the finally finishing Book 1 and letting humans read it? Will I just work on TQOL? Will angsty heist wip rise again? Or will the passion for Book 2 (which I was SO EXCITED TO WRITE) return the moment the daily word goal is gone? (lol what a joke we all know I'm gonna write Will's POV chapters for TQOL.)

Thanks for reading this pointless ramble.

[xxxdreamscapexxx]

hey! i love your posts, been recently started following you. and i had a question.

how would you describe your experience posting on tumbr or any other site?

see, im writing a novel, and i wanted to test the waters a little bit on sites like tumbr, ao3, wattpad, etc. because why spend all that time finishing a novel just for no one to read?

I want to post my chapters, substituting my original characters for other characters, making them fanfiction so i can get constructive criticism and whatnot.

basically, i just would like your thoughts on this idea

I hope you have a good day/night! i also hope you have a good vacation!

Hi there 👋

Thank you!

OK, my advice? If you have an idea about original characters and you want to write a book about it, please don't turn it into fanfiction! Here's my reasoning:

1: You say you want constructive criticism, but the truth is: people who love what you write, will simply tell you they loved it and very rarely would elaborate on what they thought was good about your idea. And the people who dislike what you wrote, are unlikely to interact with you. If you dislike a story, do you ever write a comment? If not, please don't believe that someone else will.

2: By writing fanfic you "borrow" an existing character and put your own spin on them or their experiences / actions and that comes with history. What I mean by that is that people already know that character from X show/movie/book and they associate that character with certain things that already happened to them, or the very least with the person who portrays them... Which leads me to...

3: Writing for an exciting character saves you the trouble of building their universe, history and some character traits, which makes the story easier to write at first, but can make your storytelling lazy and may not look as complete with original characters. Borrowing history means you leave no room for your own.

4: Readers will never be as critical to your storytelling, world building, plot holes, spelling and Grammer errors as a professional editor will. As a reader you just want to enjoy the story, not make the author better at what they do.

In conclusion, if you want to practice writing in a certain format or genre, or you just want to train your skills - writing fanfic is a good thing to do. People are kind, they support you, they will help keep you going when you're stuck, they'll motivate you to write more.

But if you want to publish your own book and make money off of that, write your idea and pitch it to a publisher. If what you have is good and has substance, they will help you reach your target audience.

I hope that helps and that you have a great weekend!

[staycalmandhugaclone]

Hey I hope you are well! I saw the fic ask game list you had shared and just wanted to submit an ask for K and L :)

Hey love! I'm doing better than yesterday, but still a little off - this is me trying to break out of a little funk, so thanks for asking!!

That first one, though... oof. mkay, so listen... I am a very damaged individual. Know that before you judge me, because this is about to get dark. (also, it's in-depth so is long)

K: *Big breath* Gonna start with trigger warnings: non-con, dream torture, forced preg termination, psychological torture.

oookie, so this is a super long fic that is actually where my Vacation fics originated. Gonne just highlight the gist - Fem reader is force sensitive and was taken by a sith dude to be used to try to make her father reveal the location of jedi holocrons. That failed, so he tried to make her his apprentice, which also eventually fails, so he he tortures her to try to break her will to fight him, at which point the non-con and forced preg termination occurs. She escapes and crashed onto Ord Mantel where she run into Omega, ends up saving her from some bounty hunters but is wounded even further in the process so ends up being taken off world with the guys (sans Crosshair who is briefly mentioned to have left the Empire but refused to rejoin his brothers after the events of season 1). She and Hunter slowly become a thing, and they run into Crosshair on opposite sides of a retrieval mission, but there's an ice cave in and Cross and the oc end up having a bonding moment before they're rescued, after which, she starts sending him regular messages occasionally with commentary from the others in some effort to include him in his brothers' lives once more. Jump forward several months: that sith captures her and uses force bs to give her dreams where cf99 (sans Cross because he wasn't actively with them when she was captured) tortured her so when she's eventually rescued, she's so traumatized that she can't be in the same room with them without having a panic attack. They'd call Crosshair for help getting her out, and she ends up clinging to him as she recovers, so much so, that when he leaves, she goes with him. There's this super heartbreaking reoccurring hope from Hunter that she'll come back, but, months later, she still can't get within several feet of him without having a panic attack and has to really push the idea that she's not coming back but that it's not his fault, and when, after about a year of traveling together, she and Crosshair become a thing, oooo there's so much angst and confusion. There's a relatively happy ending, but I kinda wrote it in broken chunks, so it's pretty much only half written and will likely never see the light of day, but that's my most angsty idea.

L: The real question is: how many tiny edits do I make after posting... Honestly, this varies significantly. Most chapters don't get revised so much as edited or maybe reworded here and there. I think there have only been one or two where I just didn't like how it was going and ripped my heart out by totally deleted a chunk to start over (that's a lie - I copy it onto a separate word document in case I change my mind). I still go back to old chapters and realize I wrote "spook" instead of "spoke" or, my favorite "fingered" instead of "figured"

Thanks again and sorry it got to long winded!

Fanfic Ask Game