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kayoiwritingarchivies · 6 years ago

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TITLE: Post mortem viventem

CHAPTER TITLE: ONE: The Death of Two

WARNINGS AND RATINGS: Rated T for swearing, major character death and suicide

FANDOMS: Detroit: Become Human

SUMMARY: So, if androids don't have souls, why does Connor see the ghosts of shut down Deviants? Why does he see ghosts in general? (In which Connor sees more than he is meant to, and it changes less than you think.)

Daniel is the first ghost to stay with Connor.

His body falls to the floor, but something is still standing there. It’s Daniel, but he’s translucent and there’s a strange blue outline around him. He keeps saying “You lied to me Connor. I trusted you, and you lied!”.

Connor blinks, trying to understand.

Connor sees ghosts, something he’s accepted when he walked into the apartment. He saw the spirit of John Phillips, kneeling in his own blood, whispering “Shouldn’t have done anything, should have listened to Emma…”, oblivious to Connor staring at his transparent figure.

He’s seen the ghost of the DPD officer that was first on the scene, who does notice Connor and tells him what he does and doesn’t know.

The second police officer that died that night, his spirit dripping wet yet the floor remaining dry tells him that he shouldn’t take the gun.

Both officers know they’re dead.

Daniel doesn’t, until he tries to punch Connor in the face and fails to do so, his arm going through. That’s when he says “I’m dead, aren’t I?”

Connor nods.

Daniel sticks around after that. It’s kind of strange, seeing an Android having a ghost, which meant that deviants had souls, and it leaves a strange sort of feeling in Connor’s chest.

-LINE BREAK-

“The sign clearly says ‘No Androids’.” Daniel mutters, one foot through the wall of the bar. “What if they break you?”

Connor looks at him and says “I have a mission to complete. And this is the 5th bar we’ve checked.”

“I have a mission to complete” Daniel mocks as he follows Connor into the bar. “God, you’re horrib-is that a kid?”

Connor looks at where Daniel is pointing, to show a six-year-old kid standing next to an old man.

“My name is Cole Anderson! What’s yours?” He says to Daniel, who’s still trying to process the shock.

“Uhm, my name is Daniel, the android over there is Connor…kid, what are you doing here?” Daniel replies, pointing at Connor, who is now trying to convince the old man to come with him.

“My dad’s here to drink the weird stuff. Are you guys gonna take him home?” Cole asks, looking up at, what Daniel is now assuming, is Hank Anderson.

“Uh, no, actually he has to go do his job…yeah…” Daniel says, looking back at Connor with a “Help me.” Expression on his face.

Connor looks back with a “You’re programmed to take care of children idiot, how am I meant to help?” Hank tells him to stick his instructions somewhere, prompting Connor to say “No, where?”

Daniel snorts at that.

They finally convince Hank Anderson to leave the bar, through bribery of all things, and they head to the crime scene.

-LINE BREAK-

Upon arrival, Hank turns in the car seat and tells Connor to stay in the car.

“You’re not going to listen, are you?” Daniel says, deadpan as he and Cole phase through the car door.

“Yep.” Connor replies, stepping into the rain.

“You can see us?” Cole whispers, stars in his eyes. “That’s so cool.”

Connor blinks and says “Um, sure.” And Daniel bursts out laughing because Connor might be the latest in CyberLife tech but he doesn’t know how to deal with children which is hilarious.

They follow Hank, who groans and tells Connor not to touch anything, and they enter the house.

Daniel is very thankful that he is dead and that he cannot smell. There’s also the ghost of Carlos Ortiz, yelling at the police officers to find justice for him, and Daniel, sighing, walks over to Mr Ortiz and introduces himself. “Hello, my name is Daniel, can you tell us what happened so we can find the android that did this to you.”

Carlos spits at him, says “Not going to have an android solve my case. Fuck off!”

Daniel blinks, and jabs a thumb at Connor, who is licking the blood off the knife and says “Well, you’re out of luck there buddy. And I’m dead, so tough luck trying to break me.”

Carlos splutters, and walks off, cursing the entire time. “That could have gone better.” Daniel mutters before going over to Connor. “Find anything useful?”

“Someone’s defaced the bathroom.” Connor says, kneeling down and picking up a small statuette. “Where’s Cole?”

“Cole is…uh…whoops.” Daniel says, turning around. “Ah heck I lost the squirt.”

Connor blinks at him, goes “Good job. Go find him.” Before analysing the scene before him and relaying the information he knew. Daniel sighs, mutters “You’re not the boss of me.”, before going off to try find Cole. He finds him next to a table, reading a pamphlet with the words “Eden Club” typed across the top.

“Daniel? What’s the Eden Club?” Cole asks, eyes wide as he looks at Daniel.

Daniel immediately grabs his arm and drags him away, saying “You’ll know when you’re older kiddo”

“I’m technically eight!”

“Still too young.”

In the time it takes Daniel to find Cole, Connor finds the deviant upstairs, and hearing “It’s here lieutenant!” jars him, and he looks down the corridor, frowning.

Then Cole punches him in the stomach and runs off, leaving Daniel somehow wheezing on the floor, and there’s a mutter of “Damn brat.”

-LINE BREAK-

“I’m bored.” Cole complains, sitting on Daniel’s shoulders.

“Kid, not exactly alive, can’t really do anything.” Daniel shoots back, frowning.

Hank was in the interrogation room with the HK400 Connor had captured. Connor kept sneaking glances at Cole and Daniel, who are watching the interrogation getting nowhere.

Hank storms back in, saying “We’re wastin’ our time interrogating a damn machine, we’re getting nothing out of it!” collapsing into a chair. Cole climbs down Daniel to be near his father, and Connor can’t really blame Cole for being near his parent.

A voice from the corner, Which Connor identifies as Gavin Reed, speaks up with a “We could always try roughing it up a little, maybe it’ll get it to talk. After all, it’s not human.”

Daniel sneers at Reed, and mutters “You’re a real piece of work aren’t you, you waste of ai-”

“Androids don’t feel pain.” Connor replies to Reed, turning to face him. Daniel says “You butt, deviants somehow do, getting shot actually hurt.”

Connor ignores Daniel and continues with “You’ll only damage it and that wouldn’t make it talk. Deviants also have a tendency to self-destruct when they’re in stressful situations”

“Okay smartass.” Reed pipes up, pushing off the wall to approach Connor. “What should we do then?”

“I could try questioning it.”

The whole room is silent, save for the living people’s breathing and Daniel’s muttering of “Why would you say that, why the heck would you say that?”

Then Reed starts laughing, finding the whole concept of Connor interrogating the android hilarious.

Hank only sighs and asks “What do we have to lose?”, before gesturing to the window showing the HK400. “Go ahead, suspects all yours.”

Connor hesitates, before leaving the room, Daniel following behind with a look at Cole saying “Don’t you dare.”

Once in the hallway, Connor says “Can’t you go through the wall into the interrogation room?”

Daniel shrugs, and they both go into the interrogation room, and Connor sits in front of the HK400 and begins to talk.

-LINE BREAK-

Connor ends up being forced to probe its memory for the event.

“Uh Connor? The HK400 is sort of…twitching?” Daniel says, hand passing through the deviant’s head. “Connor, I think it’s going to…self-destruct.”

And that’s when, our dear readers, the HK400 self-destructs.

Daniel and Connor just stare as the deviant begins slamming its head onto the table, blue blood beginning to pool onto the cold metal surface.

The other officers make their way in, one trying to stop the android. Connor isn’t doing anything, and Daniel is covering Cole’s eyes from scene.

The deviant smashes it’s head into the table one last time and ends up dying.

Connor frowns, and Daniel does as well, while Cole manages to remove Daniel’s hands from his face and gives out a soft whine at the body.

The spirit of HK400, registered under Carlos Ortiz, is still there, tears running down it’s face as it whispers “Why couldn’t you have let me go?”

Hank mutters a “Holy shit…” and Connor, the only one to see the three ghosts in the room, says nothing.

-LINE BREAK-

The HK400, much to Daniel’s irritation, stays with Connor as well.

Henry, which is what he named himself (When had it gone from ‘it’ to ‘he’?), is a lot quieter than Daniel. He’s timider, and stays rather close to Connor, which irritates Daniel because damnit, he was here first.

Connor, who at this point is sadly still a machine, doesn’t really care, which irritates Daniel further, because the damn 4-month-old, socially inept android can see ghosts and his only reaction is literally “How did you die?”

So, at the Detroit Police Department Central Station, at 9:56AM, Connor is sitting in a chair near Hank’s desk, waiting for Hank to appear, while Daniel sits on the arm rest and complains loudly about everything and Henry just sits there on the floor and quietly wrings his hands.

Connor then gets up, startling Daniel off the chair, before going to Hank’s desk and scanning what was on it. Daniel, bored out of his mind, looks around at the desk, pushes a hat off a board, frowns at the anti-android slogans on said board, Connor finds some dog hairs on Hank’s chair, then Connor goes “I’m going to go to the break room” under his breath, leading Daniel to say “Yeah, but Reed’s in there, and also no.”

Connor glances over to the breakroom, to see Detective Reed in there with another police officer, and a ghost with a perfectly clean bullet wound going from one side of their head to the other, standing silently beside Detective Reed, and before Connor can tell him not too, Henry stands up and slowly approaches the ghost.

Daniel is now muttering child-safe curses under his breath, and Connor is trying very hard not to watch the two ghosts in the Break room talk in low tones. Henry comes back, looking more upset than he originally was.

Daniel asks Henry about him, but Henry doesn’t say anything except “It’s not my story to tell.”

Connor frowns, and that’s when Hank Anderson walks in, followed by Cole, who runs up to the two ghosts and they talk about nothing much, while Hank goes and talks to Captain Fowler.

Connor doesn’t follow, and instead listens into the conversation he can only hear.

#fanfiction #fanfic #detroit: become human #dbh connor #dbh daniel #dbh hk400 #dbh cole #dbh hank #look #I wrote this at stupid oclock #connor sees things

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formula-what · 4 years ago

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As soon as we all realised how short Daniel Ricciardo is, he went and found the shortest teammate on the grid so that he can look tall again. Huge Big Person Engery

#okay number 2 🧡#i woke up at stupid oclock last night and wrote this half asleep #so this is still in the first draft stage #usually they get rewritten at least three times before i post #but thats exactly why im doing this

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countless-dreamsss · 4 years ago

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Quarantined with Him.

Summary: With COVID-19 hitting all parts of the country, Team Flash has decided that it’s safest that they stick together, and live

Warnings: Slight profanity.

Primary pairs: WestAllen, Harrisco, Jecile

Canon/Head: Headcanon

Insight: So initially this was meant to be a fanfic written by a prompt that @catvampcrazines really wanted to see, which was Harrisco being sleep deprived and goofy AF. Tumblr, being the shitshow that it is won't even let me post the entire first part that I have now, so this is going to have a lot more parts than I intended it to. I do apologize for taking so long with writing this, but when covid-19 hit, it gave me the perfect timing and the perfect excuse to get all of Team Flash together to experience Harrisco's weirdness. Anyways, enjoy!

The members of Team Flash were dispersed throughout the Cortex at S.T.A.R Labs when Joe had entered the room. Iris and Cisco sat at the monitors while Harry hovered behind them, clicking on his pen anxiously as they watched Barry run through the streets of Central City. Caitlin sat at the desk just outside of the medical bay, going over some new material put put by a few of her friends from medical school. “Turn on the news,” Joe said, worry written all over his face. Everyone turned their attention towards the new presence, puzzled at his expression. “Dad, is something wrong?” Iris asked, turning her chair in his direction. “You guys haven’t heard?” Joe asked, his eyes looked to each person. “Central City is closing off all borders because of this whole virus thing.” “Again with this virus?” Harry groaned. He had been back on Earth-1 since December, when the first case was made public. Every time he heard the name of the virus it always seemed like bad news. “Got it,” Cisco called out. He hit a button on his keyboard, and just like that live-footage from Central City News was projected onto the main monitor. “Fast breaking developments in the Coronavirus emergency in the U.S. and around the world. The number of cases soaring just today. More than 700 thousand nation-wide. To decrease the risk of infection, Mayor Van Buren has just announced that Central City is now officially under lockdown. Starting today, no one is allowed to leave or enter the city…” “Well, it seems like your Earth is no longer safe to stay on,” Harry crossed his arms against his chest. “I guess I should be heading home soon.” Cisco immediately looked up to Harry. “Do you have to make comments like that?” Though his tone was rather crabby, his eyes screamed ‘don’t leave me’. Harry’s icy orbs met Cisco’s gaze. The older male clicked his tongue, knowing he had struck worry into the other. “Oh, come on now,” he placed a hand on the meta’s shoulder, his thumb gently tracing the seam of Cisco's sleeve. "You always do this," Cisco moved his shoulder away from Harry's hand. "I—" “Has Earth-2 seen anything like this?” Caitlin intervened in the small quarrel between the couple. Harry shook his head, “No, and again, my Earth is very much ahead of yours. I’m sure if anything like this was to even appear on my Earth, it would’ve been taken care of like,” he snapped his fingers, purposely right next to Cisco’s ear just to have his eyes on him again. “Either way,” Joe started, “This isn’t looking good at all. Are you guys sure it’s safe to have Barry still running out there?” he asked. “I could always make him a respirator to go with his suit,” Cisco said. “...along with temporarily closing down non-essential businesses, Mayor Buren has also announced a curfew at 9’oclock p.m. for all citizens of Central City. Yes, Flash, this includes you.” “Problem solved,” Iris looked back to Joe. “Criminals don’t care about curfews,” Joe replied. “I’m just trying to make sure you guys stay safe,” he looked to everyone in the room. “Last thing we need is any one of us getting this thing.” “We’ll be fine, Dad,” Iris grabbed Joe’s hand, squeezing it gently as if she could transfer all of his negative feelings to her. “I’ll talk to Barry once he comes back, and then we can all decide what happens then.” “If worst comes to worst, we just all stay here.” Caitlin pointed out. “We’re here everyday as it is.” “Yeah,” Iris agreed. “I can always do my work in the lounge while Team Flash is doing its thing.” “That could actually work,” Cisco said, gliding his tongue over his lips after taking a sip of his coffee. “We still have a few empty rooms that we could just set up some beds in,” “I’m the one that actually lives here, do I get a say in this?” Harry asked. “No.” Everyone responded. Harry rolled his eyes at their response. “Fine, but don’t go touching my rum,” he looked to Caitlin. “What? I never—” “Not you, I’m talking about Frost. Last time I was here, she drank all my whiskey without telling me,” he said. “Was it the honey flavored one?” Cisco asked. “Yes,” Harry hissed. “Ooh,” Cisco sucked his teeth. “Bad call, Frosty,” he said to Caitlin. “Guys—” Barry interrupted through the comms, “are you guys really discussing staying at S.T.A.R. Labs right after Iris said you guys would wait for me to come back?” “Decision has been made, Barry. Suck it up,” Cisco called out. “Since when?” Harry said, looking down at the younger male. “Just now. I did it,” Cisco affirmed “What? You have something to say?” Cisco asked, ready to retaliate any nonsense that could possibly come out of Harry's mouth. “Whatever the hell y’all do, just let me know, okay?” Joe said.“I’m gonna go make some calls, see if I can get a hold of Cecile. See you later, baby,” Joe leaned down, giving Iris a kiss on the cheek. “Stay safe,” he said to the rest, giving Harry a pat on the shoulder before exiting. Taking it upon himself to decide that Team Flash would be staying at S.T.A.R Labs, Cisco and Iris had also taken the time and thought of how things would run during the entire situation. He pulled over the drawing board and assigned everyone a certain task to do during the days of the week. “...and because we can’t live off of just coffee and candy, this coming Saturday, Barry and I will go out for a grocery run,” he said looking at all of them. “Sounds like a plan,” Barry nodded before leaning his head down and resting his chin on his wife’s shoulder. “What about me?” Harry asked, his arms held snug against his torso. “I’m not assigned anything.” “You can’t even leave the building, Harry. What makes you think I’d put you up here?” Cisco asked, playing with the marker cap. “Well, I live here,” Harry shrugged. “Something is better than nothing.” “Fine, fine,” Cisco turned back to the board and wrote ‘mi cama.’ Harry’s cheeks burned with a shade of red once reading his task. “Stupid,” he muttered under his breath, looking to the ground to hide his smirk. “Oh God, Cisco,” Iris laughed when she read the addition. “Take that down.” “Fine, but I give you props for being the only one to read it,” he chuckled, erasing what he had just written down and changing Harry’s duty to ‘trash.’ “There, you’re on trash duty.” Barry laughed, “Doodie.” “You gave me trash?” Harry asked, approaching the board. “You’re really giving me trash?” “Are you 12?” Cisco asked Barry, rolling his eyes before he turned to Harry. “You said give to you something, so I gave you something that you can actually do. You’re doing trash.” “You’re trash.” Harry spat, looking down at him. “No, you’re trash.” Cisco tapped the tip of the marker against Harry’s chest with each word spoken. “You wish I was trash,” Harry snatched the marker from Cisco’s hand. “Har—” “Anyways,” Caitlin interrupted, “How about we go get something cooked up right now?” “Yes please,” Barry said, “I’m starving,” he grabbed Iris’ hand then started to pull her towards the exit. “What should we make?” Cisco asked. “You guys decide,” Iris said, “Barry and I are gonna go set up our room.” “Liars,” Harry called out as they walked out. “I could really go for some of your lasagna right now, Cisco,” Caitlin said. “You’ve made her lasagna?” Harry asked. “After all the times I’ve asked you to co—” “Settle down, long legs” Cisco patted Harry's chest. “You guys want to help me make it?” he asked. Caitlin shook her head as she too walked towards the exit, “I’m going to work on my room as well,” she told them, “make it a little more snug,” then disappeared into the hallway. “What about you?” Cisco looked at Harry. “Do you want me to?” Harry asked. Cisco gestured for the other to tag along. “Come on,”

Surprisingly, Harry had completed everything requested of him without any opposition. When given the chance, he would use that time to get Cisco’s attention and ask him if he was doing whatever he was told to correctly, correctly meaning Cisco’s definition of correctly. The elder grabbed a half cut onion to mince when his sight became fixated on Cisco. Harry’s thumb and forefinger wrapped around the blade while he made parallel cuts through the vegetable, moving the knife downward and backward motion as his free hand held the onion in place. Spell-bound by a simple glance at the younger, who had no idea he was being watched, Harry had forgotten to return his attention back to the task in front of him. The meta took hold of his soft curls and waves, tying them back into a relatively messy bun. Once his hair was tied back, Harry saw Cisco advance towards him. “Woah,” Cisco grabbed Harry’s wrist in haste, his grip significantly strong. “What are you doing?” Fear filled his eyes as they gazed at Harry’s hand, the blade had just barely broken through his skin. “I—” Harry was brought back to reality. How was Harry supposed to tell Cisco that his attention was on him the entire time? “I know what I’m doing,” Harry lied with a scoff. “Do you?” Cisco snatched the knife out of his hands. “You could’ve hurt yourself,” he placed the knife down, and seized the hand that was almost assaulted, examining the now very light cut on Harry’s knuckles. A rather satisfying sensation overcame Harry when feeling Cisco’s soft, warm touch. “I’m fine, Cisco,” Harry responded. He tore his hand from Cisco’s hold. “I’m fine.” “Are you?” his eyes studied Harry’s face, searching for signs to disprove Harry’s statement before quickly gazing around to make sure they were alone. “Yes,” he nodded, holding Cisco’s hand to his chest. “I’m fine. Promise.” Harry assured him. Still worried, Cisco quickly decided to swap tasks. “I’ll finish up here,” he grabbed the knife, “can you work on the ricotta cheese mix?” “Cisco, I said I’m fine.” “And I said that I’ll finish up here.” “Fine,” he exhaled an agitated sigh. He knew that even if he protested against Cisco, he would simply end up doing what was asked of him anyways.

Once the food was prepared, Caitlin and Iris had set up the coffee table as Barry and Cisco made the drinks. Harry, now being treated as safety priority number one by his beloved partner, sat impatiently upon the round couch while being accompanied by Joe, Cecile, and Baby Jenna, who was sitting in the S.T.A.R Labs baby-chair made by Cisco. Cisco finally pulled out the steaming dish of saucy red noodles out of the oven. A warm heat kissing his cheek while the heavenly fragrance of juicy seasoned tomatoes combined with spicy ground meat fill the air. “That smells fantastic,” Barry eyed the dish. He could feel his mouth begin to water. “I’m telling you, man, no one knows how to make lasagna better than yours truly,” Cisco smiled. “You guys were going to start without me?” A male voice called out. Ralph had been absent at S.T.A.R Labs throughout the entire day, but he wasn’t going to miss his first Team Flash sleepover. “Of course not,” Caitlin smiled, holding up his plate. Ralph gave her a smile, throwing his jacket over his shoulder as he made his way through the room. “Oh my God, the baby,” Ralph cooed as he approached Jenna. “Ah—” Cecile picked up her daughter before Ralph could touch her. “What?” Ralph’s smile turned into a pout as he looked between the parents. “I just wanted to—” “Did you not just come from outside?” Joe asked. “I mean— I j-just,” Ralph stammered, hearing Joe’s fatherly voice coming out. “Ah, wash your hands first.” Cecile said. Ralph gave a disappointing sigh, “I’m not infected.” “Yes, but she’s still very young,” Caitlin commented. “There’s nothing wrong about staying cautious,” she said. Ralph pouted as he held his hands up then stretched them over to the sink. He washed halfway up his arms thoroughly, scrubbing his skin down with soap for a good 20 seconds. He dried his arms then returned his arms to their normal length. “May I?” Ralph’s arms eager to hold Jenna. Cecile nodded, “You may.” “Finally,” he smiled, taking hold of the giggling child from its mother’s arms.

Sighs and moans of pleasure filled the air as each person took a bite from their plates. Cisco’s lips were pulled to a grin, satisfied with the feedback, but Harry was the only one who hadn’t tried it yet. The couple briefly exchanged looks. Harry knew what Cisco was waiting for. He wanted Harry to try it. Harry gave a sly grin as he nudged Cisco gently with his elbow then dove his fork into the layers of delicate pasta. He quickly raised his fork into his mouth, fireworks exploded in his mouth while eating the moist layers. The spices of the sauce complimented the meat perfectly, providing a savory taste rather than a fiery one, and the warmth of the cheese over his tongue just added to the experience. Harry smiled as he took another bite, giving Cisco the answer he was looking for. “This,” Joe pointed to his plate, “is really freaking good. My compliments to the chef.” He winked at Cisco, whose body was filling up with content and joy. He was glad he was able to provide something other than just suits and tech. “It wasn’t just me,” Cisco’s eyes scanned everyone. “Harry helped too. “I did,” The older male nodded, “but it was your recipe, making you responsible for this.” “I told y’all,” Cisco chuckled. “No one makes lasagna better than Papi Ramon.” Laughter filled the room. “Papi?” Harry chuckled, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “Just let me have it, okay? Just this once.” Cisco requested. “Anyways,” Cecile spoke, “so when was somebody going to tell me about you two?” She pointed her fork back and forth between Cisco and Harry, which led to their ears and cheeks burning to a shade of red and Harry slightly choking on his food. “How’d it start?” “Uhm—” Cisco handed Harry his drink and patted his back. “If you don’t tell them, I will,” Iris said, taking a sip of her wine. “It’s cute,” Caitlin said softly. “It is,” Ralph nodded before feeding Baby Jenna a spoonful of lightly salted carrots. “Dish it!” Cecile incited. Harry placed his plate down. He kept his eyes down at his hands, trying to avoid Cecile’s gaze. “I mean I don’t really think there’s much to—” “Uh-uh-uh,” Cecile shook her head. “I want to know. I want to know everything up until the first kiss,” she demanded. The red shade on Harry’s cheeks grew darker. Hearing this, everyone leaned forward so they wouldn’t miss a second of it. “Well,” Cisco twirled his fork into his lasagna. “There’s not much to tell,” Harry cleared his throat. “It was a little after saving Jesse that we started talking,” Cisco looked at Harry, who was nodding along as he spoke. “After Jesse and I had left the first time, Ramon and I kept in touch,” Harry took a sip of his drink. “Just to get him to come over, sometimes I would ask him to help me with some experiments.” “So who asked who?” Joe asked, wiping his lips with a napkin. “Neither of us,” Harry responded, leaning closer towards Cisco. “No?” Cecile questioned. “No,” Harry confirmed. “It was just one of those things where we just knew,” Cisco lightly shrugged with a soft smile. “And the kiss?” Cecile asked. The two males glanced down at the white tiles beneath their feet. Harry shook his head. “You tell it,” Cisco said. “Why me?” Harry questioned. “You have total recall,” Cisco gave Harry a mocking grin. “Fuck me,” Harry whispered under his breath before being flicked in the head by Cisco. “What the—” “Baby,” Cisco pointed to Jenna with his fork. “Watch your language.” Harry gave the parents an apologetic look then proceeded with what he was going to say. “I’ll tell it,” he cleared his throat. “We were over in Cisco’s workshop. The both of us had stayed really late working on the earmuffs for Jesse and I. Cisco had gone out to go get us some ice cream. I had the butter pecan,” he looked over to Cisco, “and you had some sort of brownie sundae, right?” Cisco nodded. “It was a brownie fudge sundae with coffee ice cream,” “The one that comes with the dinosaur shaped brownie?” Barry asked. “Are you judging my dino brownie?” Cisco asked. “Damn,” Iris pouted. “Now I want brownies.” Everyone laughed before Harry continued his anecdote. “Anyways,” the scientist ran his tongue over his lips, “so Ramon was sitting across from me and I had noticed that there was chocolate fudge on his lip. I told him, and yeah…” Harry trailed off. “Uh-uh” Iris shook her head. “That’s not a first kiss story.” “What?” Harry scoffed. “I just—” “You have to describe what happens from Point A to Point B,” Ralph spoke. “Point B being the kiss.” “Fine.” Harry groaned, his face was red as Barry’s suit now. “Go back to the part with the fudge,” Barry teased. Harry’s teeth gently took hold of his bottom lip as he tried to find the right words. “Okay, so the fudge,” he chuckled. “I had grabbed a napkin, and held it out for him, but his attention was completely elsewhere,” he turned to Cisco, “I don’t know what the heck you were doing, but I was waving it and everything, and he just never looked up, so I leaned forward and used my thumb to wipe it off. Being, y’know so close,” he used his hand to gesture how close he was to Cisco’s face, “I saw the chance and I took it,” Harry clapped his hands in accomplishment of telling the story without running away. He sipped his drink once more before returning his unfinished plate into his hands. All the women awed at the stories. “Now that’s a cute first kiss story,” Cecile smiled before finishing her meal. “I think that’s the cutest first kiss story here,” Caitlin said looking around, Iris nodded in agreement. “What?” Barry asked. “You don’t think our first kiss-” “Barry, you erased that timeline.” Cisco butted in. The speedster wanted to keep his mouth shut, but still managed to say “I still think ours was the cutest,” he muttered. “If you say so,” Iris said, patting Barry’s shoulder.

For the first time in years, S.T.A.R Labs had a peaceful night. There weren’t any metas to chase tonight, no one randomly breaking into S.T.A.R. Labs. It was just chatter and joy. Joe and Cecile had decided to retire for the day, taking Baby Jenna along with them, leaving Harry as the designated meta-babysitter. He leaned back against the couch, his arm placed upon the backrest, which left a cavity to his torso which was soon filled by Cisco's body. He invited the pressure and warmth the younger's body provided. Harry looked at Cisco’s cards then back to the deck when Barry put down his card. "Uno dare #5" Cisco read aloud then leaned forward to read the dare card, “flip the table...” “Finally,” a wide grin plastered itself along the speedster’s face. He quickly grabbed the edge of the table and flipped it over. “Good job, Allen,” Harry said looking at the mess. “Now clean it up,” Barry rolled his eyes, but did as told. His golden lightning zoomed around until everything was put back into place. “I think I’m gonna hit the hay,” Barry stretched. “Same,” Iris stood up and made her way over to Barry. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna go too." Caitlin added. "What? You're all just gonna leave?" Cisco asked. The three exchanged looks before nodding. "Yeah," they said in unison. "Add me to that too," Ralph took off his jacket. "Ope, there's another one." Harry commented before sitting up straight. "Y'all are no fun." Cisco pouted. "We'll play tomorrow," Barry said, wrapping his arm around Iris. Cisco held his pout as he watched them exit. Harry tapped the meta's shoulder. "You coming to bed?" he asked, lifting himself up from the couch. "I'll be there in a bit," Cisco responded. "I have something I want to work on," he said. "Oh?" Harry raised a brow. "Mind if I join?" "I don't mind at all," Cisco smiled.

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sweet-little-bird-fanfic · 5 years ago

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YOUNG K - Pure Desire

Masterlist & Chapters: Check my bio for the masterlist link.

Summary: A young writer that’s struggling with her work until she crosses paths with an intense and fated new type of inspiration; An inspiration called: YOUNG K!

Genre: Fanfic; Romance; SMUT !!! (っ˘ڡ˘ς)

Warnings: Swearing? ;

A/N: Since I haven't updated in so long, I wrote a tinny recap of what happened in the last chapter. ↓

Previously on "Pure Desire": After a long time resisting the temptation of getting lost in each other's desires, Young K and Violet finally gave up their self-control and had their first time together, in a romantic candled light paradise. No more teasing or deprived touch, no more running away. They belonged to each other for that electrifying eternal moment. They were both playing with fire, and it was starting to be hard to tell if those flames were fueled with just attraction or true passion.

Chapter 7 - Hot Shower

Young K

Things had been a little chaotic lately. Since my cold was gone and I was back to work at full power, I barely had any alone time with Violet which was driving me crazy. All I could think about was her! It had been almost two weeks since our first time together and after that nothing really happened. Not because we didn’t want to, but because there was always someone home, or one of us had to work until late, or wake up early the next day and so on. Basically, life’s responsibilities and routine were getting in the way of our thing and we were living off occasional small hot kisses, hidden late cuddles, secretive glances filled with desire, and sweet texts. If it wasn’t for the texts, I would have even found it hard to talk with her. Honestly god, we were living in the same house! Why were things so difficult? I was guessing my schedule was the main problem, the members of DAY6 and I were working harder than ever and we had so many things to do that we barely had any free time, even at the weekends. But now I think there’s another factor causing this distance, I was just dying to have her in my arms again. I missed her.

But there I was, sitting on the couch in the living room because in the previous night I had almost invaded her bedroom and begged her to fuck me. The members were used to me sleeping on couches, they knew I found it more comfortable, so no one would really suspect that something was going on. The truth was that being on the same floor as she, was dangerous and because of the lack of Violet in my system, I was damn sure I would make her loud enough for the whole neighbourhood to know with all certainty she was mine, along with everyone else in the house. So, to avoid all the drama of getting caught, I took refuge downstairs.

It was 06:45 am and there was no way I would be able to go back to sleep, there was no point anyway. We had to leave the house by 8’oclock. Therefore, I slowly got up from the couch and walked upstairs to get some clothes from my shared room. When I walked in, I was surprised with the most adorable sleepy morning scene: as Jae and Sungjin were sleeping in their own bed, Dowoon and Wonpil were sharing the same one. Even though there were enough beds for all of us, they were fondly cuddling up against each other. The sound of the door closing behind me, made Dowoon tighten his arms around his precious Hyung making it almost seem like they were meant to fit together. I grabbed some clothes quietly and came closer to them, so I could take a picture to use it against them later on, I cursed at the sound of my phone’s camera but fortunately, the two cutie otters didn’t even move.

- What are you doing? – Sungjin deep sleepy voice startled me and I almost dropped my phone on their faces.

- Hey, sorry. Did I wake you up? – I asked whispering as Sungjin looked at the bed next to his and chuckled when he saw the sweet cuddle scene – Go back to sleep, you still have a few more minutes left.

- How are you awake… – he said between a yawn – You love to sleep… – he managed to pronounce before hugging his pillow and falling back asleep.

I left my bandmates to sleep and walked to the bathroom, I noticed Violet’s door was slightly open and an electric desire run through my body. Before I knew it, I was already heading towards her door, but I’m stopped by the quiet sound of her voice coming from the stairs behind me.

- Why did you wake me up meowing for food and then you barely ate, Clawsome? – She said as her voice got closer behind me and I was frozen at her door – Oh… hey. – she said in a sweet tone as she reached the first floor.

When I turned around to face her my heart almost exploded and jumped out of my chest. Her curls were a mess and so voluminous that I was jealous of her pillow for creating that instead of me, she was holding her cat against her chest and her cheeks were melted in a progressive darkened red shade as her eyes bounced from her door behind me and my eyes. When her deep teasing eyes travelled down to my lips, my Adam’s apple bobbed involuntarily in a thirsty response for the expectant taste of her own. She leaned down and let her puffy black cat go, I leaned against the door jamb as she walked towards me and rested her hands on my chest. She kissed me softly and bit my lip, unconsciously provoking my morning wood to a new extent. Just as the clothes I was holding fell on the floor I grabbed her hips and pushed her back, so she couldn’t feel it. I thanked Clawsome for purring loud as she rubbed her cute snout against my leg and drove our attention to her, then, I used her as an excuse for my actions.

- Sorry, that was unexpected. Clawsome startled me for a second. – I said as I picked my clothes from the floor and patted my cute feline saviour on her head.

- It’s okay. – she said biting her lip into a smile – Morning.

- Morning, gorgeous. – I said leaning only my head to kiss her – I’m going to take a shower.

Violet nodded and waved at me smiling amused as I closed the bathroom door. I switched on the hot water and sighed as I took off my clothes. I think the mission of hiding my morning troubled friend wasn’t a big success since Violet seemed so entertained as she watched me flee to the shower. She could have a lot more fun if she joined me. “I should’ve suggested that”, I thought to myself as I got under the relaxing water and tried to calm myself down. I placed my forehead against the freezing tiles and led my hand desperately towards my erection. What the hell was wrong with me? Before, I kept pushing her around and teasing her so what was stopping me from doing it now? This girl was driving me insane, I really needed her. So, it was not only stupid but confusing that I actually run from her and ruined such a good opportunity to feel how good we are together. My breath started to become heavier than my heartbeat was as I stroked my dick up and down, wishing to relieve the pumping lust and despair locked at the end of my loins.

Suddenly, when I was close to free the imprisoned pleasure within, my body shifted when I felt a pair of tinny cold hands slid up my torso as I felt nipples rub against my back and boobs squeezed against my back.

- Violet… - I groaned.

She hugged me tightly from behind. I held my breath with the thrilling feeling her hand sent down my skin as she gradually let her hands travel towards my twitching member. Fighting against my own will, I grabbed her wrists up and pushed her against the cold wet tiles of the shower with a bit too much force. When I met her eyes, I became even more aroused, they were filled with a deep need and a burning desire. She missed me too. I sighed and rested my forehead against hers, letting her hands run through my wet hair. She could be doing something lewd, but her blushed cheeks didn’t lie, she was nervous and embarrassed. Yet, she built enough courage to meet me in the shower.

Violet looked amazingly beautiful under the running hot water and I was even jealous of the drops that caressed her smooth skin. I couldn’t take it any longer, I had been far too long away from her. All that time, I thought that I was the one pushing her boundaries and teasing her, but she was the brave one and who made me go crazy as I, without noticing, grew fonder of her.

I held her face in my hands and kissed her roughly and as deep as possible, satiating my hunger. My hand slid down on her body to squeeze her ass and made her moan into my mouth as my dick slid between her legs, making her jolt and part away from my lips.

- Wait, we don’t have time to go all the way. – she said trying to convince herself.

- It’s okay, princess. – I said kissing her tenderly – This is good enough. Should we take a shower? Since we’re here. – I asked moving my head, so the water fell directly to her face.

- But … – she tried to say as she rubbed the water from her eyes – We have enough time to take care of you. – she suggested in a whisper as she avoided my eyes.

My heart started to beat really fast as I stared at her, I didn’t even know what to think or how to decipher what she meant by those words exactly but luckily enough the lust burning inside me guided the way. I grabbed her chin up and made her face me before kissing her insecure lips, feeling her squeeze her legs tightly together as her reaction made me smirk between our kiss. I placed my hands against the wall cornering her as I explored her neck and bit her ear lobe.

- Then hurry up and take care of me, princess… - I groaned into her ear and felt her shiver under my touch.

Violet teased my chest with her soft touch as she drew circles with her finger on my skin, whereas I stood petrified with the sensations she created within me, I was mesmerized and drowning in the feeling that burst from my heart that made me vulnerable and marked me as hers. Her hands went lower provoking my dick to flinch as it hardened more with the expectation of her direct touch. Violet’s hand travelled down to my length and I leaned against her shoulders as I supported myself with my hands on the slippery tiles behind her, I remembered very well when she jerked me off in her bedroom. It wasn’t as good as having real sex with her, but I couldn’t ask for more than her talented hands on my thick member at that moment. And after having those thoughts, I suddenly lost all my logic and sense when I felt her lips kissing down my belly as she got down on her knees. I grabbed her by her hair and made her look up which was a huge mistake, since seeing her grab my dick with her hand and suck my balls as her eyes locked with mine made me even more excited, making the frenetic sensation of finally being touched double in its intensity.

- Fuck. – I chocked instead of telling her she didn’t need to do it as I grabbed her hair and tried to unsurely stop her.

- We’ll do that later. – Violet said teasingly in a shy smile, I saw her thinking carefully about her words as she tried to decipher my expression – I miss you so much that I’m okay with just touching you. Believe me.

I sighed and smirked in agreement with my chest filled with a fluttered wonderful feeling. I eased my grip on her hair and started playing with it. Violet licked her tender lips and then proceeded to direct her full attention to my boner. She generously played with her tongue on my tip making me tremble, she sucked on the head making my legs nearly give out.

She started taking my full length in her mouth slowly making me curse to heavens as I tried my hardest to keep my groans low, her mouth sucked me up and down sending shivers all over my body. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open as the vibrant tension within my sex was too much for me to take, I knew I wouldn’t last long so I gave up on suppressing my desires and let her sink me in pleasure as my head fell back under the running hot water. The obscene sounds her mouth made muffled under the heavy shower, but they were still loud enough to drive me insane with her erotic symphony as her head bobbed on my dick. Violet sucked me hard and deep before replacing her hot mouth with the tight grip of one of her hands so she could catch up her breath, but the wet snapping noise of her tongue leaving my cock was too lewdly stimulating and without noticing I grabbed her head firmly and shoved my whole length deep down her throat to watch her gag with the sudden invasion. I groaned so low my voice merely disappeared into a whispered cracking moan. Her eyes were vigorously shut, her cheeks were extremely red and probably not just because of the burning steam that was surrounding us. As the frenetic ecstasy teased my body and it run down to my huge member, I felt the pressure building up and threatening to explode.

- Oh fuck… - I groaned in a low whisper as the overwhelming load of pleasure rushing through my body tormented me at the edge of releasing – That’s enou…

Violet didn’t even bother to look at me, she grabbed my hip with one hand and stroke me with the other as she kept sucking, creating that hot white colour behind my eyelids, and so, I let her take me to wherever she wanted. With an electrifying shiver and with all the blood rush heading at full force towards the end of my loins, Violet kept sucking me hard as I desperately pulled her hair back barely holding myself from thrusting into her mouth again, I felt my shaft twitch inside her mouth and uncontrollably released all the load and desire deep inside her throat making her choke deeply and let out surprised lewd moans muffled with the cum inside her mouth.

Still struck from the massive orgasm and trembling from her heated touch, in alarm I leaned down and held her chin up. “Oh, I’m fucked.” I thought to myself watching her puffy red lips expand in a wide smile and just with that my heart begged for mercy.

I watched Violet closely while I was trying to control my heavy breathing. The way she tasted her lips with her curious tongue made my heart violently skip and that’s when it hit me. I kneeled to look her in the eyes with the sudden realization and brushed my thumb on her lower lip. “Did she swallow…”

- Did you…? – I tried to ask but her proud flustered eyes made me nervously laugh and bury my face on her shoulder to kiss her neck, an action that’s starting to be a habit, dangerous.

- It’s not like you gave me much choice, anyway. You were grabbing my hair so roughly. – Violet said with her voice slurred slightly – You’re delicious. – she giggled into my ear.

I grabbed her by her ass and lift her up against the shower wall abruptly, she arched her back as the cold invaded her skin and moaned with the sudden pressure of my body against hers. I kissed her passionately trying to wash my own taste off her mouth, so I could taste her captivating sweet unique flavour.

- God, I love… – I said interrupting our kiss as I looked into her eyes and gasped at what I almost said – Your lips. – I pecked her, again, again and again trying to cover up for my words – Those damn lips.

I put her down and hugged her naked body tightly against mine, not being sure if the accelerated heart I was feeling was mine or hers. I stepped back and kissed her forehead before reaching for the shower gel and when I was about to wash her body she shoved my hand against her head.

- No way! That’s too embarrassing. My hands work just fine, I can wash myself. – Violet said as her face turned into a tomato.

- I know your hands work damn fine, don’t worry. – I said trying to approach her once again.

- Just the hair then. No touching any other parts. – she replied scream whispering, making me look down to her lower body knowing fully well what she was trying to hide between her squeezed legs.

Showering wasn’t an easy task, especially because we had to hurry up so we wouldn’t get caught. “Washing” wasn’t the right term, but “foam fight” was the most accurate expression to describe our shower. We finally stepped out of the shower and as we dried our skin a loud voice outside the bathroom door surprised us and made our hearts stopped.

- Hyung! – Dowoon said in a nervous explosive voice from outside.

- Yes, Dowoon? – I said as I covered Violet’s body with her towel and reached for my phone to check the time, it was still 07:10 am so I sighted relived – Do you need to use the bathroom, Dowoon? I’m almost done.

- Oh… oh… hmm no! No! I’ll use the other toilet downstairs Hyung. I was just… just checking if this one was free.

When I looked back, Violet was already half-dressed and ready to flee at any moment, she shoved her towels in the basket, so it would be easier to sprint out of the bathroom. I watched her closely as she dressed the rest of her clothes, couldn’t help but bite my lips and laugh while her body struggled to get inside her hoodie. Our eyes met and Violet punched my biceps for mocking her. I wrapped a towel around my hips to avoid her fake anger moves and opened the door slightly to check if there was anyone outside. I winked at her and she stole a small kiss from my lips before rushing downstairs.

After getting dressed and finishing my skincare routine, I walked out of the bathroom and went to our shared room to see Sungjin lying on his sides posing with one of the weirdest facial expressions I have ever seen him do.

- Bro, you’re screaming “Paint me like one of your French girls”. – Jae said as he took some pictures of the incredible moment.

- Damn, you look so beautiful today. – Young K teased the leader with actual honest words.

- Oh, you’re out! My turn! – Jae and Sungjin said at the same time rushing to the toilet as they left me in the empty room.

I grabbed my things and walked downstairs, Violet was sitting on the sofa looking at some papers Kim Joon (little bro) gave her, probably some English homework, they both greeted me good morning before I headed for the kitchen. Pretending I hadn’t seen her today, yet, that was rather harder than I thought it was going to be, I could feel my grin forming and my heart threating to jump from my chest as I sat down to eat breakfast.

Masterlist & Chapters: Check my bio for the masterlist link.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the reading, Sweet Little Bird.

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ellivia · 4 years ago

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hey - quick question: you up to read a stupid little angsty thing i wrote at should-be-asleep oclock last night?? warning: is very ✨stupid and angsty(TM)✨ no pressure, i realise im not really selling it 😂

Sure! I’m sorry if you sent this a long time ago, I literally JUST saw it!

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donteattheappleshook · 5 years ago

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Of Cars and Bars Chapter 12/14

Ready to find out what happened between Emma and Killian five years ago?

As always, thank you Krystal @kmomof4 for all of your amazing beta work and for just being a lovely person. This story exists because of and is dedicated to you! (Thanks for the support even though I keep making you angry with all the angst!)

Summary:

Rated E

When Emma Swan is offered the chance to go on tour as an opener for one of the most popular up and coming bands of the decade, the last thing she expects is to find that the lead guitarist is the stranger she had a one night stand with five years ago.

This started out as a smutty two shot about Emma Ruby and Mary Margaret going on a road trip and has evolved into a slow-burn mutual pining angst-fest.

Read it from the beginning on Ao3 and Ffn because tumblr eats all my italics.

Chapter 12 - Falling Slowly

Well, you have suffered enough / And warred with yourself / It's time that you won / Take this sinking boat and point it home / We've still got time

Five years ago

Killian burst into Liam’s room, ignoring the way his brother cursed, the way Belle shouted at him to 'get the hell out', 'what time is it?'. He didn’t care. He walked up to the hotel room bed and threw the sheet music onto their annoyed, half-asleep forms.

“What the fuck is this?” Liam demanded, picking up the pages and frowning at him, looking like he was a second away from murdering him.

“A song,” Killian said. He couldn’t contain his grin, he was too happy. His heart was light, his chest full in the best way, every one of his muscles was singing with excitement and adrenaline.

“I can bloody well see that,” Liam snapped. “But why do you feel the need to throw it at me at -” he looked at the clock beside him. “For fuck’s sake, Killian, six in the morning?”

“I couldn't sleep,” he told them. He’d been up all night, too happy, too ansty, lyrics and music dancing around in his head, begging to be written, filling him with the kind of joy he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“So you decided none of us should?” It was Belle this time and she sounded just as annoyed as his brother, like she wanted him dead - and she was more likely to do it, he mused.

“I think this could be it,” he said. “I think this could be that hit that the producer was looking for.”

They’d been approached by a music producer, an agent who was interested in them, liked their sound, liked their vibe. But he’d said there was something missing. They needed something more, a real hit, something that would pull at heartstrings and make people want to dance and cover it and would make critics sing its praises as ‘real music’.

It had been a ridiculously high, stupid bar to set, one they thought was impossible, and Killian didn’t want to toot his own horn but he was pretty sure he’d done it - somehow. Not somehow, he knew exactly how.

Liam looked at the pages in his hand and Killian saw the moment his expression turned from annoyed to impressed, to hopeful. He handed the pages to Belle. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain blonde woman who lured you off the stage last night would it?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“It has everything to do with her,” he answered honestly. It did. She… Emma, even thinking about her sent a thrill through him, made his heart pound, made his breath catch. She’d come into his life out of nowhere, had brightened it, had made him suddenly want to write again, had made him want to love again. He didn’t know if he would ever be capable of it again, not after Milah. But between the car and the bar and being with her in that dressing room, her promising to meet him today… it gave him hope. Hope that he could love again, hope that he wasn’t broken, that he would find that happiness again, the one he thought he’d lost forever.

It was far too soon, far too quick, he knew that. But he couldn’t help it. The second he’d seen her there, angry and glaring at the road and then the way her whole face had lit up, the way she’d smiled at him on the dance floor, the way she’d touched him, the way she’d challenged him, the way she’d responded to him when they were together. He just - he knew. It was as simple as that. He knew that he could love her and that if he did, he would love her forever.

Liam was eyeing him warily. “Be careful, Killian.”

Killian ignored him. He didn’t have time for Liam’s pessimism, for his caution. He’d spent enough time being cautious, enough time guarding his heart. It was time to let himself believe that he could have love again, to let himself believe that he deserved it.

“I’ve gotta go,” he told him, dismissing his warning with a wave of his hand. “Share that with the guys, will you? I’ll see you at the show tonight."

“Where are you going?” Liam demanded.

Killian smiled. “I’ve got a date!” He slammed the door behind him.

He was early. Way too early. His date wasn’t until noon. He circled the block a few times, walked through the streets of New York, got to know them a little, but he couldn’t let himself stray too far. What if she arrived early too and got scared and changed her mind? So he stayed near, circling, until finally, at 8 he gave up and went inside the cafe. Whatever, he would order a dozen coffees and wait around until noon. He didn’t care. He was too nervous.

His leg bounced under him as his mind raced, remembering the night before, remembering the way she’d felt in his arms and under his hands but also, more than that, the way she’d smiled at him up on stage, the way she’d laughed at him in the car, the way she’d danced with him, the way she’d kissed him before leaving last night.

He got up, asked the barista if he could have some paper and a pen. She handed him some old order sheets, blank on one side and a sparkly pink pen, apologizing and saying it was the only one she could find.

“It’s perfect,” he told her. The smile she gave him was shy and a little flirtatious. If it had been any other day, any other morning before this one, he’d have flirted with her, smiled at her and maybe even asked for her number. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not when he knew that any minute - any hour, he reminded himself - Emma would walk through that door.

He returned to his table with another coffee - that was probably a bad idea considering the jitters that were already running through his system, but he liked it, liked this excitement and anxiety - the good kind, the kind he hadn’t felt in years. He wrote. He was having trouble stopping. He thought of her, of her forwardness and her brazenness and how strong she’d been and the tiny, miniscule bit of vulnerability he’d been allowed to see, thought of the shade of her hair and the curve of her face and he wrote.

He wrote three more songs before he looked up, the bell above the door ringing as someone walked in. It wasn’t her. That was okay, it was still only 11:30. He looked at his phone. He wished he’d gotten her number - idiot, he thought. But she had his. He waited, doodling on the edges of the page.

11:45. 12:00. 12:15. He checked his phone again. She had his number. Would she call if she was running late? 12:30. 1:00. 1:30. The energy that had been rushing through him started to diffuse, like air from a balloon. 2 oclock. Dozens of people came in and out of the shop, the barista brought him more coffees and with each one her smile grew sadder, sympathy clear on her lips. Was it that obvious? Was it written across his face that he was waiting for someone, someone who wasn’t showing up.

He made excuses, she’d gotten lost, she’d gone to the wrong coffee shop, she’d had to leave early… but she didn’t call, she didn’t text. He waited another two hours, and then another two more. At six oclock, he finally gave up, crumpling the bits of paper, the songs, in his fist. He walked over to the barista again, handed them to her.

“Throw this out for me would you?” he asked before walking out the door.

Present Day

Emma squeezed her eyes shut, trying to avoid waking up as long as possible. Her head hurt, she had expected that, but it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. No, that wasn’t what was worrying her about waking up. What was worrying her was the leather that was under her cheek, sticking to her face and probably leaving creases, and the warm breath on the back of her neck, the arm slung heavy across her waist.

Killian. He was still here. She couldn’t understand how he hadn’t run away after her embarrassing display last night, after she shunned him then tried to molest him and then dumped all of her emotional baggage on him. But she knew he couldn’t stay. There was no way anyone would stay after that - not for her, never for her.

If she shut her eyes, forced herself back to sleep then she wouldn’t have to be awake for the moment when he eventually woke up, realised what a terrible, terrible mistake he’d made getting involved with a mess like her and snuck out of his own room and out of her life. She was used to that, used to being left behind. She’d survived it with Neal and she would - probably - survive it with Killian. Probably not, but she’d have to.

She felt him stir behind her, heard his sharp intake of breath as he froze for a moment. Here we go, she thought. He breathed out heavily, the sound relieved, his muscles relaxing. The arm that was around her waist tightened a fraction and her eyes blinked open. What was he doing? Why wasn’t he bolting? She’d given him every reason to. His nose buried into her hair, he pressed his lips to her neck and she turned in his arms, frowning at his still half-asleep face. He smiled at her, one of those big, almost disbelieving smiles that made his eyes crinkle in the corners.

“You stayed,” he said and her heart started to race in her chest.

“I stayed?” she asked in disbelief. She stayed? Why wouldn’t she stay?

“I worried that you’d… regret what you said last night.” His eyes widened then. “Do you remember what you said?”

Did she remember? Did he? She’d poured her goddamn heart out to him last night, told him she wanted to be with him, told him all of her damage and her baggage and her fears… why had he stayed? Her chest tightened.

“I remember,” she said and the look of relief that crossed his face was a little heartbreaking. But so was the insecurity, the doubt.

“Emma, if you didn’t mean it - if you’ve changed your mind I-” He was giving her an out, she could tell. Maybe she should have jumped on it, taken it as a chance to run, to get away from this terrifying situation, from the possibility of letting herself love him and of letting herself be hurt. But he stayed. He stayed despite all the terrible things he’d learned about her and now he was afraid that she’d regret it, that she’d run.

She couldn’t blame him. She’d given him plenty of reasons to think she would. And that was when she realised… he hadn’t given her any reason to think he would run. He’d stayed tonight, yes, but he’d also stayed despite all the times she’d pushed him away since they met again two months ago. He stayed despite the fact that she’d run once before. She was an idiot. How in the hell had she ever doubted him?

“I don’t regret it,” she said and the worry left his eyes so quickly that it hurt, but it also made her smile a little, the corner of her mouth turning up as his did.

“And, um,” he scratched that spot behind his ear. “Do you remember what I said?”

She nodded, could feel her cheeks warming. “You said you were in this for the long haul.” He looked shy, still that bit of uncertainty but he met her eyes with an earnestness that sent her blood racing.

“I mean it, Emma,” he promised. “I want this. I want you. If you don’t, please tell me now because I don’t think I could take it if you changed your mind.”

“Warts and all?” she asked, only half-joking.

He laughed. “Warts and all.”

“You don’t…” It was getting harder to look at him so she settled for looking at his chest instead, fiddled with the pendants hanging there. “... mind them?” she finished lamely.

“I like your warts,” he said.

“Ew.”

He poked her in the side and she squirmed away. He didn’t let her go though. “I mean, that your past doesn’t scare me. I’m honored that you shared it with me. All it is is another part of you, another part of what made you who you are… and I’m quite fond of that woman.”

She smiled, finally meeting his eyes again. He wasn’t lying. “I…” Ugh. Words. “I like your warts too.”

He gave her an amused, affectionate grin. “Then are we doing this? Are we trying?”

She nodded, not wanting to stumble over words anymore and brought his face to hers. She kissed him and his hand came to her cheek, his touch gentle and sweet and she could feel his lips curling under her own. When she pulled back there was an expression she couldn’t read on his face.

“What?” she asked.

“I just - I was so afraid that you’d run again,” he confessed and the words were like a lead weight on her heart. He had every right to think that. But she’d run so many times in her life, not just from him, from everyone. And she was tired of it. She’d always been willing to lose the things she ran from before. But not now, not him.

“I already made that mistake once,” she said and she heard his intake of breath. They hadn’t ever talked about it, he hadn’t brought it up, but she couldn’t pretend it didn’t hang over them like some giant betrayal, a giant broken promise that gave him every right to doubt her, to never believe a thing she said again.

“Five years ago I-”

“Emma,” he said and she knew he was going to let her get away with it, dismiss it. But she couldn’t let him. He deserved better.

“No, let me finish. Five years ago I got scared because I was afraid of how much I liked you - even back then. And all I’ve ever done was run, so I ran away and I’m sorry. I don’t want to do that again.” She turned her eyes to him and he was looking at her with that softness that was so often on his face when he looked at her, when she tried to talk about her feelings - poorly. “I regretted it, you know. The second I got home.”

He gave her a surprised, hesitant smile, his eyebrow ticking up, and then kissed her again. “I forgive you,” he told her, because he knew that’s what she needed to hear. She took a moment to once again be amazed by how well he understood her.

“But, um,” he cleared his throat. “Now I’ll have to ask you to forgive me as well.” She looked at him in surprise - what could he possibly have to apologize for? “I broke our agreement.”

She raised a brow at him. “What agreement?”

“I wrote a song about you.” A smile tugged at her lips and she watched as the hesitation on his face turned to relief and then a little bit of that teasing glint she liked so much. “In my defence, I wrote it before we agreed to those terms.”

“When did you write it?” she asked, but she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

“Five years ago.” He looked at her nervously and she smiled, feeling almost shy but her heart raced in her chest, hoping she was right, a little afraid that she was right, but choosing hope, choosing happiness over the fear.

“Liam didn’t write your first hit, did he?”

“He wishes.”

She laughed and could feel the warmth spreading through her as he gave her another one of those smiles.

“Well, I guess you’re forgiven since you didn’t technically break the rules,” she allowed. He rolled them over suddenly and she was on her back with him hovering over her, his face bright and happy.

“I hope you’re in a forgiving mood then, because I’ve written about six more since.”

She laughed even as he brought his mouth down over hers and she reached for his shirt, pulling him down so she could wrap her arms around him and so that he could kiss her properly like he’d refused to last night. She moved to wrap her legs around his and squealed as she nearly had her toes squished.

“Are you wearing shoes in my bed?” she demanded, realising that he was still dressed in his coat and his boots.

“If you recall, you lured me into your bed last night fully clothed.” She scoffed, lured.

“Take those off. You’ll get the sheets dirty.”

He sighed dramatically, making a show of rolling his eyes.

“And so it begins. We’ve only been dating ten minutes and you’re already telling me what to do?”

She didn’t bother to hide her smile at the casual way he said ‘dating’. She couldn’t have if she wanted to. She liked the way it sounded way, way too much. He conceded though and rolled back off of her, onto his back so he could kick them off. He threw her a mischievous grin, one eyebrow raised as he looked at her over his shoulder. “Anything else you’d like me to remove while I’m at it?”

She wanted to laugh but stopped herself, cocking her head at him instead. She turned onto her side, propping her head up on her knuckles. “Well, that jacket feels a little overdressed,” she said casually. The smirk he gave her was sinful before he shrugged it off his shoulders.

“Better?” She raised one shoulder dismissively. “What?”

“I’ve never been a fan of that shirt, honestly.” That was a lie. He looked really, really good in that shirt. But he would look much better out of it.

“You don’t like it?” he asked, pulling at the front and glancing down at it. She bit her lip to hide her smile as he pulled it over his head, messing his hair up in the best way.

“Much better,” she said as she reached for his belt and used it to drag him back over to her. He laughed at her that way that he always did when she got a little eager - and she was eager. It was hard not to be when he looked like that and he went around talking about how they were dating and how he was in this for the long haul.

He didn’t get to say anything as she got up on her knees with him and slanted her lips over his, grabbing hold of that soft, lovely hair and holding him against her. He was happy to comply, his hands coming to her back, sliding under her shirt, his fingers warm against her skin and causing goosebumps to break out where he touched her.

She pushed her hips against him, wanting him closer, needing that confirmation that he wanted her as much as she did him and he groaned, hands sliding down to her ass, squeezing and pulling her against his already hardening erection. Lust shot through her and she pushed him down onto his back, and threw a leg over his hips so that she could sit astride him.

“You’re being very pushy,” he commented, an amused smile on his lips.

“Aren’t girlfriends allowed to be?” she teased and her heart stopped when his brows shot up.

“Girlfriends?” he asked and she felt her face flush.

“Shut up,” she said, leaning down and sealing her lips to his so that he couldn’t make another teasing remark if he tried. He groaned under her, his hand finding its way back to her ass and the other into her hair as he very happily let her keep him quiet. “I like it,” he said as she moved to trail kisses down his neck, his breath hitching when she reached a particularly sensitive spot. His fingers had found their way under the material of her panties, inching closer and closer to where she was already desperate for him.

“What’s that?” she asked, growing more confident as his breathing continued to become more laboured under her mouth on his neck and her hands on his chest, his stomach, his hips. “Me calling myself your girlfriend or me being pushy?”

He let out a choked sound when her hands reached a little lower. “Both,” he said, the word caught in his throat. Oh really? she thought. That could be fun. His hands came up to her sides, one wrapping around her waist as he started to sit up, probably to flip them over but she stopped him.

She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back down against the pillows. “No,” she said, holding him down to make sure he’d stay there. He raised an eyebrow at her in question, in challenge really and she held firm until he conceded, dropping his hands back to his sides.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want him in control - she loved it really. But he was always taking care of her, always putting her first, generous and considerate. And last night he’d taken care of her in a whole new way, one she wasn’t used to. She couldn’t return that favor now in kind but she could certainly return it in other ways - thank him in other ways. She needed to remember to put him first sometimes. That was part of being a girlfriend right?

Right now though, all she could focus on was the way he was watching her, with nervous excitement and desire. And on the length of him hard under his jeans, pressed against her where their hips met - she was pretty focused on that too.

She pulled her shirt over her head, mostly so that she could watch the way his eyes darkened, the way his teeth bit down on his lip and his hips pushed up against hers just a fraction. His hand came up to reach for her and she smacked it away nearly laughing as he pouted. He looked like he was gonna say something, like he was gonna change his mind about liking her pushy, but she rolled her hips over his and his head fell back and then he didn’t look like he could think much of anything, let alone say it.

She did it a few more times, revelled in the way he cursed softly under his breath, and she fought the urge to just rip his pants off now and let him sink into her. She leaned down, not stopping the motion of her hips, a slow, steady grind as she restarted her assault on his neck, licking and sucking and nipping at the skin there until he swore again.

She trailed her lips down his chest, finally having to stop rocking against him so that she could slide down lower, press open mouth kisses to the spot under his belly button, to each of his hip bones. He really had a habit of wearing his pants ridiculously low. She could see his hands fisting at his sides, his knuckles white, his chest heaving as she teased the skin above the denim waistband. She looked up at him coyly and a thrill ran through her. He looked wrecked and she’d barely even started.

“I don’t know if I’m crazy about these jeans either,” she said casually as she trailed a finger over them, over the hard ridge of him pressing against the material.

“Get rid of them,” he insisted and the desperation and the urgency in his voice made her laugh. Apparently he’d lost the ability to banter back. She waited, ran her hand over him a few more times, barely touching, light enough to nearly drive him crazy as she watched his jaw clench. “Swan, please,” he whined and she took pity on him. She was supposed to be thanking him after all.

She undid the buckle of his belt and the button of his jeans, slid the zipper down until she could see him, spilling out of his pants, hard and straining. Fucking hell.

“Emma w-” his words caught in his throat, turning into a strangled moan when she dragged her tongue along the length of him. “Fuck,” he panted, hand coming up to fist in her hair. She loved seeing him like this, seeing him desperate and needy and out of control. He had her like this so often - it was nice to be reminded that she had the same effect on him.

She slid his pants further down his legs, enough so that she could take hold of him. She waited, her mouth a breath away until he looked at her. She felt a stirring in her gut both at the way he looked at her and at the words she was about to say. “You were a real gentleman last night,” she told him, her hand sliding slowly up and down. “You took such good care of me.” She sped up the pace, watched as his eyes fluttered closed for a moment. “But you’re not gonna be now,” she said and his eyes snapped open, widened as he stared at her. “You’re gonna sit there and watch while I suck you off. You’re gonna let me take care of you.”

“Bloody fucking hell,” he groaned and his words sent a fresh wave of lust and heat to her core, had her pressing her thighs together to try relieve the ache. She kept up the movement of her hand, brought him to her lips as she watched him watch her, saw the heady desire in his eyes.

“Got it?” she asked, waiting for an answer before she did anything, before she gave him what he wanted.

“Yes,” he cried, half whisper, half moan and she took him into her mouth. “Fuck. Fuck,” he called out as she licked and sucked at him, taking more of him in before pulling back and swirling her tongue around the head of him. His hand fisted in her hair, hard enough to hurt and she felt a sort of pride at reducing the eloquent Killian Jones to a few monosyllables and curses.

God, she wanted him. But this wasn’t about her. Well, it was a tiny bit, she mused as she looked up again to see his eyes fixed on her, to see the way he was staring at her like she was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen. It made her feel like she was, and to know how much he wanted her, how good she could make him feel was a heady combination.

She’d kept her pace fairly slow, drawing it out until she heard his whimpered “Emma, Emma please. I need -” He hadn’t finished his sentence, his eyes screwing shut and his mouth falling open as he gasped, his hand pulling at her hair now. She gave in, she’d teased him enough. She pulled him deeper into her mouth, hollowed her cheeks as she sucked and bobbed her head faster, letting him sink further with each drag.

He was still watching, still doing his best to anyway, but his eyes kept screwing shut, his lids heavy when they were open as his breathing became more erratic. She felt his hips thrust up into her mouth, hitting the back of her throat before he caught himself. She thrilled that he’d lost control, even if just for a second.

“Fuck, Swan, yes. Gods, you feel so good,” he rambled desperately. She loved how vocal he was. Even that first time, the way he spoke, the dirty, filthy things he let roll off his tongue while he fucked her had turned her on more than anyone had managed to before. “I want to -” he stopped, swallowed the words. She pulled back, let her hand take over, kept up the pace as she looked at him.

“You want to what?” she insisted, refusing to give him back her mouth until he answered, despite the subtle way his hand in her hair kept trying to nudge her back. “Tell me.”

“Fuck, I want to come in your mouth,” he cried. “I want to come down your throat and feel you swallow it.” Emma moaned, she actually moaned, his words sending a wave of heat straight to her clit, a fresh shock of desire soaking the fabric of her underwear. She’d done it. She’d conquered the gentleman.

He was looking at her, waiting, his face starting to look nervous, shocked like he couldn’t believe what he’d said. She brought his cock to her lips and let her tongue dart out, meeting his eye as she swiped over the tip, watching the way his darkened before she slid her mouth back over him, sucking and licking and pumping, setting a punishing pace.

She could feel how close he was, felt him harden and swell under her tongue and she pushed forward, let him sink to the back of her throat, hit it once, twice before he came with a hoarse shout, holding her against him for just a fraction of a second too long as his whole body tensed before he relaxed and his hand fell from her hair.

She released him, smiling proudly as she rolled over onto the bed beside him looking over at where he was laying. He looked absolutely ruined, naked and panting with his head still thrown back against the pillow, eyes shut tight and breath passing roughly through his parted lips. She loved how he looked when he was like this. He was gorgeous, indecent and rakish and she bit her lip, thighs rubbing together to try and calm the ache his appearance stirred in her. Maybe that hadn’t totally made them even for him punching Neal in the face for her and taking care of her all night, but she thought it was pretty fucking close.

He looked over at her finally, his head flopping over onto its side against the pillow, his eyes only half open. “That was…”

She raised an eyebrow teasingly at him. “Oh, I could tell.”

He reached for her weakly and she let him pull her to him, let him catch her lip between his, open under her and let his tongue slide slowly and lazy over her own. “You’re amazing,” he sighed as he pulled back and she laughed against his next kiss. Sated Killian was absolutely adorable and she’d only just begun to realise it, had only just started to stick around long enough to see him in his soft, almost drunken glory.

She’d been an idiot, missing out on so many things because she was scared, missing out on getting to know him, on seeing all these new sides of him. She liked every new bit that he revealed to her. And the bits she wasn’t crazy about, she still found endearing because they were uniquely him, because they made up the man that she’d finally allowed herself to admit she wanted in her life - indefinitely.

His kiss became more insistent, the hand on her cheek tilting her face, letting him open her mouth wider under his, his tongue tasting and exploring her mouth with deep, deliberate strokes and she moaned against his lips. He rolled her onto her back before she knew what was happening, his hand sliding down to her breast, teasing her nipple into a stiff peak as she whimpered and arched into his touch. She felt his smile against her lips just before he pulled away to pay attention to her neck.

“Killian, you don’t -” she tried to say but she was cut off by the gasped ‘oh’ that left her when his fingers trailed down, his mouth taking their place over her breast, rolling the rosy bud under his tongue. “You don’t have to,” she managed to force the words out. “That’s not what this was about,” she tried to explain.

“Hush, Swan,” he said, his fingers trailing over her hip now, groping at her ass sliding under the fabric, nails biting briefly at her flesh before trailing back around to the front, toying with the elastic. “This is what boyfriends do,” he said seriously, but she could feel his smile against her skin and her heartbeat picked up at the word ‘boyfriend’. She felt like a high schooler but in the absolute best way. Her heart practically stopped when his fingers dipped down into her panties, to where she was already hot and desperate for his touch.

“Bloody hell, Emma,” he cursed. “You’re soaked.” She could only nod, tongue coming out to wet her lip when he teased her entrance, then slid slippery fingers up to her sensitive nub, circling it slowly. “Did you enjoy that?” he asked with awe and lust heavy in his voice as he continued his feather-light touch. She squirmed against him. “Did you enjoy sucking me off? Making me beg you for more? Making me come down your throat? Did it turn you on?”

“Yes,” she breathed desperately and he rewarded her with more pressure, making her cry out against his skilled ministrations. She was already rolling her hips against his fingers wantonly, seconds after he’d started touching her. She couldn’t help it, making him fall apart had brought her so close to the edge already. He let her ride his hand for another moment, growling low under his breath, before he slipped out of her panties and she cried out in protest.

“I think it’s only fair,” he said, settling into the open space between her thighs. “That since you got to taste me,” he gripped the fabric at her hips, slid it down past her ankles. Her heart was pounding against her ribs in anticipation, at the look in his eyes - like he wanted to eat her alive. “I should get to taste you.”

Fucking yes, she wanted to scream but it was swallowed by a gasp as his lips closed over her, pulling her clit into his mouth with no preamble. Holy shit, she was going to come right here and now if he kept that up. His tongue flicked out, teasing the nub with a few, quick strokes before he released it, his mouth opening hot over her core and she didn’t know whether to moan in frustration or in pleasure.

He licked her slowly, bottom to top, once, twice, before sliding his tongue into her, thrusting and curling against her walls. “Jesus Christ,” she cursed and he groaned appreciatively against her, the feeling vibrating through her core and sending a fresh wave of heat and slickness between her thighs. He groaned again.

She couldn’t take it. She needed to come. She was too wound up, too high, too close. She couldn’t take the teasing. “Please,” she begged, hoping he’d take pity on her like she had on him. He pressed another hot, open-mouthed kiss against her before finding her clit again, pulling it between his lips and sucking as he pushed one finger and then another inside of her.

“Yes,” she sobbed as he found the perfect rhythm, the way he always did, the steady rocking of his fingers and the pulsing against her sensitive nerves driving her higher and higher. She grabbed for his hair, needing to hold onto him, needing something to ground her to reality. “Don’t stop,” she begged between frantic gasps and cries. He redoubled his efforts, increasing the speed of his fingers, sucking harder, curling, licking, flicking, and she broke, her whole body convulsing, her thighs gripping the sides of his head, a shout bursting from her as the world went silent for a moment. The only thing that existed was the feel of his mouth on her and the shudders wracking through her.

He eased her down, slowing his caresses until her aftershocks subsided and she melted against the mattress in a boneless heap. She laughed, a disbelieving, weak sound leaving her. She’d heard that sex got better when there were feelings involved but she’d always thought that was a load of bull. But now, ever since that night a week ago where she’d decided to try, each time they were together was more intense, more powerful, more earth-shattering. And this time - Jesus fucking christ she had not been prepared for this time.

“That was...” she rasped, mirroring his words from earlier.

“I know,” he said and she looked down to see him smirking, cocky and smug. He crawled back up, wiped his mouth with a tissue and pulled her in for a sweet kiss before tucking her against his chest. “You know, I think I’m gonna like this boyfriend thing,” he mused. She smacked his chest lightly and he laughed. He was right though. She was definitely already liking it.

She hitched a leg over his hip and smiled when he grunted, feeling him stir against her. “How late are we for breakfast?” she asked, knowing that their friends would likely be waiting for them downstairs as they did most mornings so they could all eat together in the hotel restaurant.

“A bit,” he admitted. “I’m sure they’ll understand though that last night was -”

“No, you misunderstood me,” she interrupted him, grabbing his bicep and pulling to roll him over on top of her again. “How late do you think we can get away with being for breakfast?” His grin matched hers as he leaned down to kiss her again.

***

They missed breakfast. They arrived in the hotel dining room just as their friends were heading back to their rooms to get ready to board the bus in an hour. They had a three hour drive, a sound check, a little downtime to settle into their hotel, and then a show at eight. Emma didn’t notice the nervous, concerned glances Mary Margaret and Ruby shot her when she walked in - or the way they changed to shock when they saw her smile, her hand clasped firmly in Killian’s. Mary Margaret’s mouth hung open in disbelief, looking quickly back and forth between the two of them. Ruby’s grin was wicked, pleased and knowing.

“If it isn’t our new celebrity,” Liam exclaimed as they reached them. Killian rolled his eyes, waiting for whatever his brother was building up to. “Congratulations on going viral,” he said, sarcasm dripping from every word. “And twice in one night, too.”

‘What are you talking about, brother,” he sighed, but Emma knew he wasn’t as annoyed as he was pretending to be, he was too happy - she could tell, she was too.

Liam handed over his phone to show him two articles, one after the other. The first was a rumor about them, a suspicion that they were together, with photos of them singing last night, a picture of them with their arms around each other. The second article was about the party, with photos clearly taken on someone’s phone, of him knocking Neal out. Emma tried not to smile at the way Neal was referred to as ‘a one-hit wonder who had been mostly absent from the music scene after his second album failed to live up to his debut’.

“You’re trending on Twitter,” Liam told him scornfully.

“And instagram! And Tik Tok,” David added with more excitement. “There’s a looped video of you knocking him out - they set it to music. Here, look, it’s pretty great.” David moved to show him but Liam stopped him, displeased.

“Lighten up, Liam,” Killian said. “You’re just jealous that I’m going to have the ‘bad boy’ rep in the band now and not you. Besides,” he added. “He deserved it.”

Some of the anger left Liam’s face then, his eyes flickered briefly to Emma. “Yes, I know.” Her heart swelled a little. She knew that her friends must have told him some version of what happened with Neal, but to see Liam support her was… kind of touching. Liam was fairly aloof. It was nice to know he cared.

She looked around to see the others wearing similar expressions and she realised then how much she’d gained when she agreed to go on this little adventure. She’d found Killian, but she’d also gained three brothers, and another sister in Belle. She loved this little makeshift family they’d created (albeit a fairly incestuous one) but she loved them and she planned to hold on to them.

“I wish I’d done it,” Ruby muttered. She looked at Killian then. “But I’m glad you did. That was very cool of you.” A look passed between them, some sort of unspoken understanding and Emma wondered what secret they had, what score had been settled.

“We should get going,” Belle said, glancing at her watch and they all nodded in agreement. Emma’s stomach growled. Not having eaten since before the show last night and having consumed an entire bottle of whiskey leaving her hungry and desperate for something unhealthy. Killian glanced around the room and grabbed a couple of pastries before they were put away, snuck them quickly out into the lobby with their friends. He handed her one. She smiled and thanked him as they walked, their arms bumping against one another, far closer together than was necessary.

“So are you two together now?” Graham asked when they reached the elevators. The others didn’t say anything, but Emma could see them all watching them out of the corner of their eyes.

“Are you?” Killian shot back, looking between him and Ruby with a raised brow. She knew what he was doing, knew he was still trying to protect her, not wanting to announce their newfound relationship before she was ready. But she was ready. She’d kept him a secret too long. It wasn’t fair to him. She wanted them to know.

Graham grinned. “I asked you first.”

“Yes,” Emma said and watched as seven pairs of eyes widened in shock - Killian’s included. She shrugged them off, taking a bite of her pastry. She felt Killian’s smile pressed against the crown of her head, his arms slipping around her waist.

“Oh god, it was bad enough when they were hiding it,” Ruby groaned. “They’re gonna be insufferable now.”

Emma glared at her but it was half-hearted, the grin pulling at her lips much stronger.

***

They had just finished their set, Ruby, Mary Margaret and Emma all taking their bows and shouting their thanks at the cheering crowd. Emma smiled at her friends. They all had equally massive grins on their faces. Each show they played they had a bigger round of applause. Each time they were up there, there were more people in the stands, people coming to see them rather than only to see Abandon Ship! and tolerating the opening act. There had been signs today in the stands, signs with her name on them, with Ruby’s and with Mary Margarets, decorated with hearts and catchy slogans and drawings of swans. This was really happening. They’d really made it.

They said one final farewell and rushed off the stage, hearts racing and adrenaline singing in their veins. The cheers continued, they usually did, people now warmed up and ready for the main act. She found Belle waiting for them on the side of the stage, a wide smile on her face.

“I think they’re ready for the guys,” Ruby laughed.

Belle shook her head. “Listen.” They looked back towards the stage, paid attention to the cries and the cheers. It wasn’t for Abandon Ship! - it was for them. They were screaming her name, demanding another song. Her jaw dropped as she turned to the other women.

“What do we do?” she asked and Belle’s brow quirked up.

“You go back out there and give the people what they want,” she said.

“Our first encore,” Mary Margaret squealed. “How exciting!”

“What do ya say, Em?” Ruby asked. Emma nodded but paused, her friends watching her eagerly.

“Do you think… look maybe this isn’t the best time to go up there and improvise but do you think we could try something new? Do you think you guys could follow me?” she hesitated. It was a big ask, risking their first encore for her to take a chance and finally, finally put herself out there.

“Fucking absolutely,” Mary Margaret said and Emma’s eyes shot up at her friend’s language.

“What she said,” Ruby laughed. “Just go out there and play. We’ve got your back.”

“Always,” Mary Margaret added.

She was so goddamn lucky. She had the best friends - the best family - she could ever ask for. She grabbed both their hands, felt them squeeze hers tightly and together they walked back on the stage. Emma sat down, picking up her guitar - one of those acoustic-electric ones she was so fond of, and looked back at her band. They were ready, instrument and sticks in hand. They offered her reassuring nods.

“Thanks for that,” she said into the mic and the crowd cheered loudly. She smiled. Sometimes she understood why Killian hamed it up so much up here. She didn’t have that in her though. “If um,” she hesitated. “If it’s alright with you I’d like to try something new.” Another collective cheer. “I’ve never played this before for anyone -” she looked back at the girls. “We’ve never even played this one together so, uh, bear with us,” she joked. The crowd erupted again when she started strumming.

This was it. She could do this. It was time to put her money where her mouth was and finally play something real - something scary and vulnerable and so goddamn terrifying, but she needed to. And she knew he would hear it - knew that the sounds from the stage travelled to the dressing room where he and the boys were getting ready - knew that he’d hear it and that he’d know - he wasn’t the only one who’d broken their rule.

She thought of him when she sang and it made her feel braver. She’d thought of playing the one they wrote together - the first one - but she’d changed her mind. She didn’t want the first real, honest song she played on stage to be about Neal - he didn’t deserve that. Killian did. Ruby and Mary Margaret joined in after the first chorus, always able to read her so well, and that made her braver too. She didn’t have to feel vulnerable on stage because she wasn’t alone. She had backup. She had family.

The crowd was dead silent for a moment when they finished and Emma’s heart hung somewhere in her throat, waiting, terrified to see if they would like this as much as they liked what she’d played before, if it was enough. The screams filled her ears, a roar that went through the room, echoing across the stadium, blending into a single, booming sound that seemed to go on forever. Ruby and Mary Margaret joined her, wrapped their arms around her and thanked the crowd, their voices barely heard over the noise despite their microphones. She was too stunned to say anything, her eyes stung.

They left the stage and it was a moment before she could hear her friends’ voices - over the crowd yes, but also over the blood rushing in her ears.

“That was amazing, Emma,” Ruby hugged her. Mary Margaret joined in from the other side, sandwiching her between them so that she could barely breathe. She laughed, tears still wetting her eyes but with joy, with excitement. They’d liked it. They’d liked her music - liked the real her and she could feel that thought swelling in her chest, opening it, like all the doubts and the fears she’d kept locked away in there to protect herself were finally being set free - she didn’t need them anymore.

“Have you found him?” she heard Liam’s voice saying, a little frantic, almost scared.

“No,” Belle said, her voice equally worried. “Graham’s got people searching the whole building and David’s checking out back in the alleys in case he stepped out. Emma’s heart seized. Belle, Liam, Graham, David. That left only one person. Where was Killian?

“What’s going on?” she asked and Liam turned to her, his face hesitant, like he didn’t want to tell her and it scared her because she knew that look. That was the look people gave when they were protecting someone, when answering your question put someone else at risk. After a moment he sighed, still looking panicked. “Killian’s missing.”

“What?”

“He wasn’t in the dressing room. We thought he was out here watching you play but he’s not. Nobody’s seen him in over an hour when he got a phone call and stepped out to take it.”

“Has he done this before?” Emma asked, her heart now pounding heavily in her chest thinking of all the places he could be, all the terrible things that could have happened.

Liam winced and nodded. “The last time he did this... We found him a week later. He’d gone on a bender. He didn’t even remember where he’d been.” He hesitated, like he was worried whatever he said next could upset her. “Did anything happen last night? Or this morning? Anything that could have set him off?”

She wanted to be sick. Was this because of them? She knew Killian had his own issues, his own baggage. But he was so carefree, so lighthearted and so kind that sometimes she forgot about the darkness he had inside of him - about what he’d lived through. She worried that maybe he’d acted the way she had in the past - sabotaged something good because he was too afraid of it, because he didn’t think he deserved it.

“We need to find him,” she said. Liam nodded and they all grabbed their coats.

“Belle, stall as long as you can,” Liam told her. “If we’re not back in thirty minutes… cancel the show.” Belle understood, agreed, Emma saw her squeeze his hand tightly, reassuringly before he left.

“Find him,” she said.

They searched for over two hours. Looked in every hotel and bar they could find, called his phone, called the police, called the hospital. Liam even called a couple of local AA meetings. Nobody had seen him. The show was cancelled but that was the least of her worries. She needed to find him. She needed him to be safe and with each passing second she imagined worse and worse fates that might have befallen him.

She was the one to find him, in a bar nearly ten miles away from the venue. He must have walked there. She felt a fist gripping her heart, trying to pull it out of her chest when she saw him. He was sitting at the counter, a bottle of rum and an empty glass on the table in front of him. She pulled out her phone, texted Liam who said he’d be there in ten. She approached him slowly and felt the grip loosen when she saw that the bottle was still sealed.

“Killian?” she asked and he started, turned to look at her. His expression relaxed when he recognized her. He looked angry - he looked heartbroken, defeated, and sad, but the anger simmered under the surface. She sat next to him, reeling at how familiar this scene was, how quickly their roles had reversed. He had the glass between his fingers now, was glaring at the bottle and she couldn’t tell which pull was stronger - how much he wanted it or how much he hated it.

“What happened?” she asked and he didn’t answer for a long while, his fingers playing along the edge of the glass. At least he’d started focusing on it now and not the bottle. When he finally spoke his voice was hollow, even the rage gone from it now.

“Gold,” he said and Emma tried not to let the confusion show on her face, wanted him to say what he needed to, to explain. “Milah’s husband. He’s up for early release.” Fuck. She didn’t know how to comfort him, what to do. How do you help someone deal with the man who murdered his love being released from prison?

“Good behaviour,” he scoffed. “What that really means is that he has his hand in enough people’s pocket.” She put her hand on his arm and he finally set the glass down, finally looked at her. “I’m leaving,” he said.

“What?” she asked, hating how small and broken she sounded.

“I’m going back to England. There’s going to be an appeal. Milah didn’t have any other family. There’s nobody else to stand up for her - nobody else to tell people what a monster he was. I need to go back.”

Emma tried not to listen to the voice in her head, the one that repeated over and over: I’m leaving. I’m leaving you. But it only grew louder, more insistent. He hadn’t asked her to come with him, hadn’t needed her help. He was leaving. Just like that. It hurt how easy that decision seemed to be.

She saw Liam and David coming through the door. She stood up, nodding her head, fighting the tears that were burning her eyes and her throat. She had to get out of here. She couldn’t let him see her break, couldn’t make this about her. But she had to get out. She couldn’t stand by to watch him leave her. She deserved this, she figured. She’d left him more than once and karma was a bitch.

She left him there, with his brother and his best friend. He didn’t even try to stop her, didn’t seem to notice her leaving. Ruby and Mary Margaret were outside when she got there. They took one look at her face and wrapped her up in their arms, asking what happened, what was wrong.

“It’s over,” she said. “Everything.” She’d tried. She put herself out there, risked it. And he’d still left. “Let’s just go home. I’m done.”

#of cars and bars #cs fanfiction #cs fanfic #captain swan fanfiction #captain swan fanfic #cs au #captain swan au #cs smut #captain swan smut #cs angst #captain swan angst

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artificialqueens · 7 years ago

Text

When it all gets too much -(Shalaska) by Ty5000

A/N: I Know y’all are waiting for Soccer Punch but I’ve had a really bad few days and I didn’t want to take it out on that universes Sharon and Alaska so instead I wrote this monster oneshot. This is around 5k words which I didn’t event think I was capable of producing in one night but here you go I am really proud of this.

Massive Trigger warnings for eating disorders, depression, suicide and Self harm. It’s pretty dark but I wrote it as a kind of vent/ form of therapy please listen to the triggers and stay safe ily <3

P.S Its 6am and I’ve been writing all night so I proof read the best I could but there may be some mistakes.

Summary : College freshman Alaska suffered with poor mental health in the past and thought that she finally had it all in control until it all gets a little too much .

“Hi, it’s me, I’m just calling to say I won’t make it in today.” Alaska’s voice came out soft and quiet as if she hadn’t spoken all day, well she hadn’t so that made sense.

“Is everything okay sweetheart?” Her boss Kasha replied sounding genuinely concerned for her health.

“Yeah, I’m just not feeling well.” It wasn’t completely a lie she really didn’t feel just not the kind of unwell that you would expect. She wasn’t sure why she was expecting Kasha to believe that though, her boss was incredibly attentive and had made Alaska spill about her past with mental health when she had saw her taking her medication during her first week on the job.

“Okay, Well I’ll ask Courtney to cover your shift tonight it shouldn’t be a problem just let me know if you’ll make it in tomorrow.”

“Thanks Kasha.”

“Take care Alaska.” The older women replied with empathy that she pretended to not hear as she hung up the call.

Alaska let the phone fall from her hand onto her bed, there was nothing she hated more in the world than letting her mental state get in the way of her life. Since starting at university almost three months ago now she had done her best to stay on top of things and worked through the occasional bad spots more so as a distraction than anything else. She had always known in the back of her mind that going to college would be a lot of pressure and despite the doubts from her parents there was no way she wasn’t going to do it, performing arts was her dream and now that she was steadily on that path nothing was going to stop her.

Well that part wasn’t entirely true as it was 2’Oclock in the afternoon and her Broadway history class was just ending yet here she was curled up in bed the same place she had been since she woke up from a troubled sleep at 5am that morning.

That’s the thing about depression, the thing that most people don’t necessarily get: A depressive episode doesn’t need to be caused by anything (It can be of course.) but depression is funny like that it doesn’t need some sad event to rear its ugly head in fact often sadness doesn’t make you depressed, depression makes you sad. It makes you so sad that you almost can’t remember ever having felt anything else, and then just when you think you are used to the sadness it stings you deeper and makes you numb. Numb is okay right? numb is better than feeling miserable right? wrong. The numbness is what paralyses you, what drives you insane, leaves you bed ridden and wishing to just feel something.

Alaska had been feeling it for a week now, the beginning stages of a depressive episode. Her first one since… she thought she was in recovery. It had been over a year. Yet here she was again, and she recognised the feeling all too well: the ball of sadness, loneliness and general irritation brewing inside her, but she fought the urge to curl up on her sofa and instead choose to power through. She had too much at stake. Everyday she would wake up, shower, get ready and leave for class, eat her lunch, go to rehearsals, and then head off to work at the diner. Some days her girlfriend Sharon would come in on her way home from work and spend her break with her. They were both so busy during the week with college and jobs, so the hour of each others company was always welcomed. Routine was key, if she stuck to her routine she could beat this, that’s what the doctors had said.

However yesterday had been the downfall of it all.

Rehearsals weren’t going well. Half of the dancers were away on a field trip and the lead male was extremely hungover and constantly muddling up his lines. Alaska didn’t have a huge part in this play, as a freshman it was extremely difficult to get a notable part in any of the full class productions. As small as her three-lined part was she was just lucky to have a part at all. Only she wasn’t feeling lucky at all, they had been in this room for over half the allocated two hours rehearsal time and they weren’t even close to her lines. She was extremely tired having stayed up most of the night to study for her test in music theory which had caused her to sleep in and almost miss the test itself. Come lunch she had discovered that her wallet had been left at home, Alaska really tried not to skip meals after…. But this couldn’t be helped. Now here she was sitting in the old theatre which was cold in the late November weather and seemingly getting nowhere.

She thanked a god that she didn’t believe in that Wednesdays were her day off and that Sharon Didn’t need to be in work until 12pm on Thursdays meaning she would get to spend some long-overdue time with her girlfriend. Sharon had been so busy since starting her new job working at a popular alternative website keen to make a lasting impression that she didn’t get to see her as much anymore. The selfish part of her liked to awaken her self-doubt and tell her that Sharon didn’t care anymore but Alaska knew better than to let thoughts like that get to her. Sharon had been incredibly lucky to get her foot in the door of her dream job straight out of college and Alaska was happy for her. Really.

Finally, her theatre professor Miss Monsoon let them go, sending them off with a “Good work today people.” That Alaska couldn’t bring herself to believe.

She left the building and walked the ten minutes to her flat in what felt like a record speed beyond excited to be away from the cold for the day and back in the comfort of her own home.

Once safely back at home, curled up on the sofa under a blanket with a mug of warm tea to heat her up and also to curb off the hunger until she could eat with Sharon she pulled out her phone to text her girlfriend.

To : Noodles (at 5.36pm)

God, I have had the worst day I think the worlds out to get me!

What time are you coming over? I need pizza and cuddles.

She casually flipped through some pizza menus mentally preparing her order as she awaited her response

To: Lasky (at 5:40pm)

I’m sorry Lasky I promised Raja I’d work late tonight, we need to finish that article on some cool new punk band but the research department didn’t bother to fact check so I promised I’d help out. Raincheck?

Alaska sighed deeply, of course the world would be so against her today that she couldn’t even have the one thing she had been looking forward to all day.

To: Noodles (at 5:41pm)

You work too hard ☹

I miss you

To: Lasky (at 5:43pm)

I know

I’ll come to the diner on your break tomorrow okay x

To: Noodles (at 5:44pm)

Okay <3

It wasn’t okay.

Alaska’s eyes burned with tears, she felt stupid for crying over something so trivial, but she couldn’t help it, she had been holding onto this one good thing throughout all the shit she’d dealt with today and now it was gone and with it went any remains of a good mood. Just like that the plug she had firmly pressed down over her feelings for the past week was pulled and a wave of surprised emotions emerged sinking the ship that was Alaska. Once the tears started they didn’t stop, she cried and cried a cocktail of sadness, anger, loneliness , exhaustion and stress. Loud aggressive sobs wracked her small frame, her hands reached up to grab her hair pulling tightly as her teeth dug into her lip subduing the urge to scream.

When she finally got herself somewhat under control a good while later her chest was tight and breathing erratic due to her sobbing, her throat and eyes burnt like fire, her head was pounding like a small army was marching on her brain and her bottom lip throbbed angrily from where she had bit down. A stinging in her arm drew her attention down where she discovered angry red scratch marks from where she had subconsciously dug her nails into her skin. It wasn’t by far the worst she had done in the past but staring down at the bright red standing out on top of the white skin already flawed from the past. This is when she realised she was in too deep and she needed someone. She needed Sharon.

To Noodles ( at 7:12pm)

Are you done with work?

Normally Alaska wouldn’t want to bother Sharon with her problems, she always felt that Sharon saw her as a child and found her poor mental health to be an inconvenience more than anything else. She put this down to the fact that she was 18 and could easily be easily seen as a child in the eyes of her 21 year old college graduate girlfriend. Being a freshman who could barely juggle her classes, part time job and social commitments without a daily dose of prescribed medication being seen as immature or too much for her girlfriend to handle was one of biggest insecurities. Sharon however despite appearing to be much more mature with her full-time job right out of college in her chosen field, her own apartment which she had gotten without special circumstances unlike Alaska and a cat was not perfect and had her own problems too. She worried endlessly about the wellbeing of her girlfriend and would never consider her lesser because of her past no matter what Alaska thought.

- - -

Alaska and Sharon first met the previous December almost a whole year ago at the university open day, Alaska had begged her mom to let her come. Her Mother had been hesitant due to the fact her daughter had just been released from the hospital and was unsure if college was such a good idea in her state, especially one three states over that she wouldn’t be able to get to in an emergency but eventually she gave in agreeing that maybe it’s exactly the distraction she needed.

Alaska had bumped into Sharon within her first half an hour in the building, there she was standing behind the information stall for the GSA with two other people who Alaska would come to know as Danny and Katya not that she really noticed them at first, all she saw was the tall girl with the dyed grey hair and black lipstick wearing the torn misfits shirt. She remembered how self-conscious she felt in her black skinny jeans and her pink sweater practically falling off her body as she wobbled like a baby deer towards the stall. She remembered their first words, Sharon being as overly confident and bold as normal and Alaska being shy and quiet in a way that must have come across endearing. She remembers getting more freebies from that stall than anyone else. (she knows this because one of the stickers had a phone number scrawled across it.) She remembers the first time they met up and how lovely it was, she remembers the conversation where they agreed that they had to stay just friends at least until she turned eighteen and she remembers finding her closest friend at GSA stall.

She recalls the night about two months later when her sleeve rolled up too far in the car and Sharon caught sight of her scars. That was the night she told her everything. She told her how she felt worthless how the smart kids thought she was dumb and how the theatre kids didn’t think she was good enough, she told her how she would try to starve herself to perfection and how she’d dig a blade into her skin to punish herself and cry herself to sleep almost every night. She told her about that Halloween night when it all got to much and she chased a bottle of pills with a litre of vodka and went for a bath. She remembers crying, she remembers Sharon crying and she remembers feeling proud for the first time as she tells her that she’s getting better and she really believes it.

She remembers her eighteenth birthday a month later how she celebrated the day with her family and a close group of friends but really all she wanted was for the next day to be here when she could spend it with Sharon. She remembers that day so well how she took her ice skating and to a vegan restaurant because she knew high calorie foods still stressed her out. She remembers the ride home and kissing her goodnight.

She remembers getting her first girlfriend and being happy and confident for once, Sharon makes her happy and confident. (not all the time no one is capable of that, but she helps.) She remembers crying down the phone to her girlfriend when she got the acceptance letter. She remembers her girlfriend crying on her at her graduation because she didn’t know what she was doing with her with life. She remembers the road trip back for her own high school graduation. She remembers how she didn’t go to prom instead she spent her prom night with her girlfriend kissing every inch of her and calling her beautiful and making her see stars all night long.

She also remembers their first fight like it was yesterday. It was the week Alaska moved into her apartment a few days after classes had begun and Sharon was constantly on her back trying to help and offering to do practically everything and worst of all, constantly asking her if she had remembered to take her medication that day. To an outsider it’s an innocent question, a nice incentive but to Alaska it was patronising and made her feel like she couldn’t take care of herself. Of course, when she told this to Sharon she had gotten offended and it had ended in a huge fight. It had been loud and quick with both parties failing to see the others valid view. It ended soon enough with Sharon finally realising that she may have been full on and apologising for worrying and assuring Alaska that she knew she could cope. She finished of her apology with one last line before they cuddled up on the sofa to watch The Golden Girls.

“Just remember if it ever gets to be to much I’ll be here, no questions and no judgement.”

And that is how Alaska fell asleep curled in on herself on the sofa with makeup stained checks and her phone in her hand, thoughts of Sharon running through her head.

- - -

When Alaska jolted awake it was dark out and her mouth was dry, she stumbled blindly into the kitchen for a glass of water, relishing in the brief relief its coolness brought her before moving through the living room, grabbing her phone on her way to the bedroom. Her movements seemed robotic almost working on memory rather than necessity as she whipped of her tear streaked makeup and changed into sweats and a comfortable shirt. She didn’t bother with her usual routine of moisturising or brushing her hair or teeth instead just pulling her hair out of her already messy bun and crawling into the comfort of her bed. Only then did she allow herself to check her phone, the bright screen blinded her momentarily and made her migraine call out in anguish, quickly she turned the brightness all the way down before daring to look again.

The time on the top corner informed her it was almost ten thirty meaning she had been asleep for just over three hours, not that it did anything she was still exhausted. Both mentally and physically.

She pulled down her notification menu to see she had one missed call from her mother (she’ll check that later.) and one text from Sharon. She clicked on quickly eager for a nice distraction from her mind.

To: Lasky (at 9:43pm)

I told you I was working late, I just got home.

Is everything okay?

Alaska paused there was one of two ways she could reply, and she wasn’t sure which would be worse.

To: Noodles ( at 10:29pm)

No. I’m getting bad again Sharon.

I’m scared, I need you please come over.

Her finger paused over the send button, if she sent that she knew Sharon would worry and come over right away with comforting words and soft touches but part of her, the part that had won the battle earlier told her that Sharon would be laughing at how pathetic she was being. Surely, she could get through this without her, she wasn’t a kid after all.

She deleted the message and started again.

To : Noodles (at 10:31pm)

Everything’s Fine I just miss you.

No, it’s not.

To: Lasky (at 10:32pm)

Are u sure?

To : Noodles (at 10:33pm)

Yeah.

No.

See you tomorrow <3

To: Lasky (at 10:34pm)

See u tomorrow bby

I love you

No, you don’t.

To : Noodles (at 10:35pm)

I love you back .

She locked her phone and placed it on the nightside and rolled into her usual sleeping position, not that she was expecting to get much sleep in this condition. So, she lay there lonely and let her thoughts take over.

Her brain tortured her all night reminding her of every wrong move, every stupid question, every time she messed up her lines, every rejection email and every failed attempt at friendship through her life. She’s flashed back to the one party she went to in high school where she hadn’t eaten more than a banana in almost 2 days got super drunk super quick and threw up and passed out in the living room of an acquaintance. Absolutely any memory that she wanted to forget resurfaced over the next two hours.

Just when Alaska was beginning to become exhausted and hot tears were burning behind her eyes as she was pleading with her head to just shut up and let her sleep the worst memory was projected to her. Halloween night 2017.

She still remembers it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision made in the climax of a mental breakdown like it’s portrayed in the movies, no this was a carefully planned for and researched event. Let’s be clear by this point Alaska was pretty secure in the fact that she was dying even if she didn’t directly “pull the trigger” herself she was still dying, she was wasting away with each skipped meal but that was too slow, and she couldn’t wait any longer. It wasn’t an emotional decision for her it was just something that had to be done and it should scare her how little she cared about the impending end of her life. She was numb.

The letter had been written almost two weeks in advance, the Pills secured from a source she couldn’t disclose and finally as an extra measure she had stolen a litre of vodka from the local store. She felt no remorse or guilt for that either. She was numb.

She chose Halloween because it was her favourite day, the only day where she felt like she could be anyone without judgment, the only day where she didn’t have to be herself. It made sense to her to go out on the best day rather than on the “worst day of her life.” A nice ending, not that she deserved it.

When the day comes, she takes care of herself, she sleeps in till 10am, later than she’s slept in so long. She changes into a dress that she had meant to wear to the schools Halloween ball that night, Its short black and lacey with hues of green glitter. It was meant to be part of a witch costume, but she much prefers this use. A glance in the mirror brings her to tears; she looks beautiful, she looks like she’s already dead. She had planned to indulge in one last meal, a cheese cake she’d picked out herself but decided against it, what if her parents wanted an open casket?

Before she knows it, she’s sitting cross legged on her bed, the bath is already waiting. She lays the pills out in rows and takes them two at a time with a mouthful of vodka in between each until she starts to feel fuzzy, not drunk fuzzy, this was different. She took this as her sign to go to the bathroom. She got in with the rest of the vodka just in case and waited and waited and waited. She had to way to tell how long it had been, but she was sure it was hours, her parents must be due home any moment. Just as panic began to set in and she really began to worry about what exactly she had did wrong her ears began to ring and black spots appeared in her vision.

She doesn’t remember much after that, in fact the next few days are a blur of screaming, crying, pain, needles and doctors. She knows that her mom found her in the bath covered in vomit and called an ambulance.

Once at the hospital they pumped her stomach, gave her various IVs with different things such as medication, fluids, and nutrients that her malnourished body craved. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and was admitted to a physch ward where her “recovery process” began but of course her mind didn’t want to focus on the positives.

- - -

Alaska is brought back to reality then a shaking, crying mess. She’s slick with sweat and her heart is pounding at speeds that should be considered dangerous, it’s the same flashback she’d wake up from in the weeks following her attempt screaming and crying but she hadn’t thought about this in so long and she hadn’t been ready to live through it again.

She sprints to the bathroom as waves of anxious nausea make her dizzy, hardly making it as she spits bile into the toilet bowl. It does act as a cold reminder that she hasn’t eaten today. She briefly remembers her sessions with Doctor Visage who has helped her establish an eating schedule to help keep herself on track, she hadn’t really stuck to that in over a week now.

Once her breathing had returned to normal she manages to get herself a glass of water and a protein bar, which she just manages to finish before she passes out into a dreamless sleep.

- - -

Which brings us back to where we left off on Thursday Afternoon.

After the guilt of blowing off her shift for a mental health day had worn off slightly Alaska made the mistake of checking her emails. She didn’t have many as she usually stayed on top of them pretty well, but she did have an email from her Broadway History professor sent only a few minutes ago waiting for her. The subject line “you were absent in class today.” Made the details of the email very clear but never the less she opened it.

To: [email protected]

From :[email protected]

Subject : You were absent in class today

Hi Alaska,

I see that you were absent today, I am sure you had a very good excuse which I would be understanding about had you notified me before hand as per college protocall!

You missed a fair bit today so please get in contact with me as soon as you can.

Prof.J.Monsoon

Alaska closed out the app as soon as she was finished reading and threw her phone onto her bed, she was not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with whatever work load was waiting for her and she didn’t want any added stress she was already on the constant brink of yet another breakdown.

Instead she chose to listen to her body and attempt to make herself some food. She started of slowly easing her sore body our of bed for the first time in over twelve hours. She entered the bathroom and washed her face which felt swollen from all the crying, she made sure to avoid the mirrors as she did this.

“Okay Alaska you’re doing so good, baby steps.” She whispered to herself as she made her way into the kitchen. This was already so much more than she could handle in a normal depressive episode, but she was determined that this wasn’t going to beat her this time.

She opened the cabinet and tried desperately to ignore that voice that yelled out the calorie count for everything she saw. Soup, yes soup was safe she told herself. The next step was to get a pot and turn on the stove. She could do this.

From her bedroom she heard her phone ding with a notification, but it could wait she decided, distractions weren’t a good idea right now.

Once the stove was hot enough she poured the can of soup into the pot and began to stir it. She was doing so well.

Suddenly the phone began to ring startling Alaska from her train of thought and causing her to drop the spoon. And that’s when it happened.

As she was coming back up from picking up the spoon she accidently nudged the edge of the pot causing it to topple over and spill hot soup right onto Alaska’s bare feet.

“Fuck!” She screamed out as the hot liquid burned her skin. She Jumped away from the mess attempting to find a cloth to clean it up.

“Why are there no fucking cloths!” She yelled as her hand reached up to pull at her hair in frustration.

Her phone began to ring again. “Shut up” She suddenly screamed at the object in question. “shut up shut up shut up shut up!” hot tears burned behind her eyes. God why couldn’t she do anything right.

She turned around quickly remembering that there were some clean clothes in the cupboard above the stove, as she did this she slipped on the soup puddle on the floor. She reached out to grab onto something to save herself and slammed her arm down onto the hot stove. She yanked it away almost immediately with a yelp of pain but instead of running to put the burn under running water she pressed her finger against the inflicted area and winced at the searing pain.

Oh no.

Before she knew what she was doing Alaska was pressing her other wrist down onto the hot stove, and again and again and again until she was sobbing and shaking with the pain.

Unable to take anymore and completely mentally exhausted she slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees crying out brokenly.

At this exact moment the door opened.

“Alaska baby?” Sharon’s voice called out from the hallway clear worry evident in her voice. “Are you home? I went by the diner after work like we planned, and Courtney said you called in sick.”

Alaska bit her lip to stifle her sobs as Sharon came closer to the kitchen, it was a fruitless attempt as she would have to find her eventually.

“Alaska?” She called again “You’re worrying me sweetheart.”

Alaska closed her eyes now preparing for the worst as the footsteps reached the edge of the door way. No going back now.

Sharon gasped as she turned the corner into the kitchen, she probably would have screamed if she had been capable of making any noise at the moment instead she stared at the scene in front of her before bouncing into action.

“Lasky, what happened?” She asked kneeling down beside her and reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Alaska jerked away from Sharon’s touch like it was searing hot, she didn’t deserve this she didn’t deserve to be treated so nice she’d ruined everything. She wanted Sharon to yell to tell her how she’d fucked up and how much of a mess she was but instead the older women just looked at her with sympathy and hurt shinning in her teary eyes. That’s what broke Alaska’s shield. She had cried so much in the last twenty-four hours out of frustration and anger and hurt and exhaustion but this time when the tears started it was an over flow of sadness and of realisation. If she had asked for help last night when she felt herself reach breaking point maybe she wouldn’t be in this position, but she was too scared or too proud and now here she is in the middle of a complete relapse after eleven months and she truly hates herself for that.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Alaska cried out, she wasn’t sure if she was apologising to Sharon, to herself or just because it felt like the right thing to say in this situation.

“Shh it’s okay, it’s okay.” Sharon whispered almost as if she was too scared to speak any louder and scare her off. She reached out to touch her shoulder again only this time Alaska didn’t shy away and instead collapsed into her touch sobbing uncontrollably. Sharon let her lay on her and rubbed her back for as long as she needed until the sobbing subdued.

Alaska lifted herself from Sharon’s lap, hyper aware of the pain that radiated from almost every part of her body.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” She rasped, her voice hoarse from crying for so long.

“Don’t be, I’m glad I got her before…” Sharon didn’t dare finish her sentence. “You should have told me you were suffering again.”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. You’ve got so much going for you right now and you’re so busy you don’t need a mentally ill kid girl friend too.”

“Hey, no don’t you talk like that.” Sharon began frowning slightly. “I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when we started dating, I always knew this was a possibility, god I hoped it wouldn’t, but I always knew it might and I’d be an asshole if I was willing to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me because she was hurting.” It was Sharon’s turn to cry this time a rare site.

“Do you remember what I said to you after our first fight?” She asked.

Alaska shook her head.

“I said that If it ever got to much again I’d be there. I meant that then and I mean it now, you got through this before and we can get you through it again. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”

- - -

She was going to be okay.

Not right away because that’s not how these things work, it’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and tears and self-discovery but in the end, she’ll be okay. Because if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.

#when it all gets too much #ty5000 #alaska thunderfuck #sharon needles #tw suicide #tw self harm #tw depression #tw eating disorder #rpdr fanfiction #submission #college au #lesbian au

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