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hellishattempt · 11 months ago

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𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭 - the girl in new york

cr sybbatra on twitter, sourced from pin

🢥 summary : celebrity!au gojo satoru and rumours swirling around your established relationship, 3.1k words 🢥 series includes : choso, fushiguro toji, geto suguru, gojo satoru and nanami kento, part one of five 🢥 content : celebrity!au, gn reader, angst mostly, established relationship, cheating, paps being an ass, lying, use of baby/love/darling and other pet names, song cr goes to nessa barrett, not proofread lol kinda just wrote this instead of studying for exams. don't like the ending, but i never do.

. . . GOJO SATORU SEEN WITH ANOTHER WOMAN AT NYFW was not the headline you wanted to wake up to. it was a lazy saturday morning, and you didn't have any plans for the day. your boyfriend, the prominent gojo satoru, was currently in new york for fashion week. you had been dating for almost a year, having met a little over six years ago at club heaven in los angeles on his birthday by pure accident. the japanese born model had been dragged to america for his twenty first birthday, and spilled his drink on you. he hasn't left the states since. he's established himself in the modeling world, and fashion week was the busiest time of year for him. being a singer / songwriter yourself, you had quite the busy schedule. your bustling schedules were part of the reason it took so long for you and satoru to get together. there was mutual pining, but you both spent so much of your time in different cities and airports, that there seemed to be no point in it. but geto made a joke that if satoru didn't bag you, then he would, and that about did it for satoru. sure, dating hasn't been easy, but you've made it work. satoru had moved in with you in your luxury apartment in the hills of los angeles, though neither of you were there often. after all, you were both a lister celebrities. everyone knew your names, especially the paparazzi.

neither of you were big fans of the paps, satoru especially. you tried to show grace, after all, they were just trying to do their jobs. but their jobs were to be nosy and wrongfully invade your privacy. there were always headlines about you and satoru, the rumours and scandals never seemed to end, but for some reason, this one hit home. your phone read 10:01 a.m. you were in your los angeles apartment, so you were three hours behind satoru. you didn't have any notifications from him, which was weird, because he usually made a point to send you a good morning text before you woke up, no matter what timezone you were in. even if it meant satoru had to set an alarm for two a.m. so that you would wake up with a "good morning, baby," then he would set an alarm. in fact, the only notification you had was a text from shoko, with a link to the article. "have you seen this??" her text read. you clicked the link and it opened a separate page for people magazine. it took all your strength not to roll your eyes. people was your number one enemy when it came to tabloids. they always fabricated such stupid things, so you didn't think much of it at first. still, you read the article word for word.

"gojo satoru was seen today eating lunch with fellow model, iori utahime, at new york's own per se. gojo and iori have been friends for a while now, but are they more?" you scoffed, adjusting yourself in your large bed, continuing on. "gojo and irori are currently in new york for fashion week, and were photographed outside per se for a late lunch before tonight's opener. the photos were quickly posted, and the response was a mix of emotions. in the string of photos, we see gojo and iori sharing a laugh... while holding hands? in a few, his arm was tightly wrapped around iori's waist as he escorts her out of the restaurant. a few nights prior, photos had of gojo and iori sharing drinks at an elite club on eighth had been released, where they seemed more than friendly. that same night, the took shared a taxi, stumbling into the hotel together. social media shares our reply: has gojo's partner seen this and what do they have to say about it?" the article was short and sweet, but it did the trick. the photos had been attached, as well as a slew of twitter posts. #satohime was the third trending tag on twitter. tears stung your eyes as you white-kunckled your phone in your hand.

you were torn between believing and not believing the article. you knew satoru would never cheat on you, but the evidence was right in front of you. he was out with another woman, someone he's known longer than you, holding hands and wrapping himself close to her. you'd never met utahime, but satoru always returned from fashion week, brimming with stories about her that made him laugh until his stomach cramped. you knew they were close, despite only seeing each other twice a year, they'd grown up together. you tried to tell yourself that maybe it was just a rumour, photos taken out of context. after all, it wasn't anything drastic, like a vulgar makeout video, but it still made you sick. so you did the only thing you knew hot to when it come to your emotions: you wrote a song.

. . . NEW UPLOAD : THE GIRL IN NEW YORK flashed across gojo satoru's screen. it was a youtube notification for your channel. he frown slightly at the words, wondering what you were thinking about when writing this. he was at work right now, so he silenced his phone. satoru would listen to the song on the cab ride back to his hotel. he hadn't heart about the people's magazine yet, despite it being published six hours ago. satoru had been so busy with the fashion week presentations and rehearsals, that lunch with utahime had been the first time in a few days he'd left skylight clarkson. in fact, he'd been so busy, that he'd forgotten to charge his phone the night before. it was currently charging, thanks to utahime letting him borrow hers. satoru felt bad for failing to send you a text, but surely you'd understand if it was just one time. utahime wasn't a model like satoru, instead a manager for one of the labels. fashion week in februar and september were some of the only times they saw each other anymore. every february they swore they'd try to see each other more that year, but sepember would always be the second time they saw each other that year. their schedules just didn't allow for it. and even though satoru was a major pain in the ass to utahime, she prized his friendship. they made a point to spend as much time together during fashion week as possible, hence the drinks and lunch.

when the night had finally ended, satoru was exhasted and couldn't wait to return to his hotel bed. it wasn't as good as sleeping next to you, but he could fall asleep on a bag of dirt at this point. satoru stumbled into a taxi, giving the location of his hotel, and pulled his phone from his bag. it was charged now, and your youtube notification sat prettily on his lockscreen, which was a picture of you laughing with your head thrown back. satoru fumbled in the dark of the cab to find his headphones, finally pairing them to his phone and playing the song. "bags in your hand as you kiss me, tellin' me you're gonna miss me. promised me you'll be on you best behavior." your sultry voice entered his ears as the song started slow, a gentle piano and slow guitar riff. "gave me your flight information, call me when you land, say you made it. sweet little me told you, 'go have a good time.'" the song picked up the pace, transitioning into the pre-chorus and chorus. "i didn't mean forget about me, riding in a yellow taxi. who the hell are you on your way to?" satoru was almost too tired to notice the lyrics. almost. "you said i was yours, but maybe just on the west coast, cause as soon as you left home, you got wandering eyes.

"so i guess you lied when you called me special. you're not as smart as you think you are. who the hell is she, taking you from me?" as the song continued, he was more awake with every bar. "fuck you for making me crazy, while you buy her drinks out on eighth street." were you talking about utahime? wait, did you think he had done something? satoru was so confused, consumed by your obscure lyrics. the song ended too soon for his taste, none of his questions being answered by your final line. "baby, i know about the girl in new york..." your voice faded, his headphones going silent. having reached the hotel, satoru rushed to his room, immediately opening his laptop to do some digging. his phone had been silence all day, and when satoru opened his messages app to see if you had said anything, he was instaed hit with over three hundred texts from shoko and suguru. neither sounded happy with him, while satoru still had no idea what he did. before even acknowledging their texts, he went straight to your conversation. "darling, what's going on with your new song??" he typed out quickly, then added, "not that i don't love it! just kinda confused." he watched as delivered turned to read, which resulted in those damn three dots making two additional appearances before completely disappearing. satoru let out a groan of frustration, going to google and searching your names together. the first thing that popped up was an article from people magazine. "gojo satoru seen with another woman at nyfw." the headline read. fuck, how he hated the paparazzi.

satoru skimmed the article, not pleased with what he was reading. his confusion dissipated into annoyance, both towards you and the fucking paps. you always told him to be nicer towards the media, they were just trying to their job, but these fucking rumours were getting out of hand. how dare they make you think he would ever cheat on you? satoru didn't suffer a friendship with you for five years while being enamored with you every action for one damn article about him and utahime. all of those pictures had been taken out of context. the one where they were holding hands? utahime had tripped on a sewer grate and satoru had reached out so she didn't fall flat on her face. the one with his arm around her waist? they were both completely shitfaced and barely standing on their own. the ones about them at the club and the taxi? satoru can handle a drink or two, but uta gets hammered after two drinks, so of course he was going to take her back to her hotel and make sure she got up all right. that's what friends are for. but now, thanks to the media, he's got a lying article, pissed off friends and a song tearing him to pieces written by the love of his life, who may not ever want to see him again. great, just fucking great.

he dialed your number. you declined it before the first ring. he did this four more times, with you rejecting the call instantly. on the sixth call, there was no rings, and an automated voice responded, "i'm sorry, the number you are trying to reach is not in service or temporarily disconnected. please try again later. good bye." oh my god, you fucking blocked him. irritated with you, the media and with himself for making you feel so insecure, he scrolled to his group chat with shoko and suguru. neither of them were happy with gojo. he didn't bother to read all their messages, he got the gist of it. satoru hastily responded, "i didn't fucking cheat. the article's lying. one of you need to tell them that because i'm fucking blocked." he sent the message, standing in a silent fury. a moment later, satoru threw his phone at the wall with a yell. the device bounced off, falling onto the hotel bed. there was a small dent in the wall nothing extremely noticeable, and his phone was fine. "fuck," satoru breathed, sinking into one of the chairs in his room. he held his head in his hands, mind racing with what to do. an idea formed in his frustrated mind. it was stupid, but it was something. satoru grabbed his jacket and his phone from the bed, storming out of the hotel.

. . . THE SOUND OF SOMEONE POUNDING ON YOUR DOOR pulled you from delirium. groggily, you checked your phone. it was just past four am. who the hell would be at the door at four in the morning? you rolled over in bed, hoping whoever it was would go away. they didn't. they just kept beating at the wood. with a groan, you rose from the mattress. a headache slammed into you as you stood, and you had to sit back down to steady yourself. the last eighteen hours hadn't exactly been fun. after you uploaded "the girl in new york", you had turned your notifications for everything off. although, every five minutes you checked if satoru had texted you. when he finally did, you didn't know how to respond, the images from the article flashing across your mind and filling you with sickness and sadness. you had been out all day, drinking and trying to forget. after getting kicked out of two bars, you went home, where you drank more. throughout the night you emptied the contents of your stomach and eyes, vomiting and crying more than what felt humanely possible. it felt like you had barely lied down when the knocking began.

when you had mustered the strength to stagger your way to the door, you wished you had stayed in bed. a red eyed, messy haired, heaving gojo satoru stood at your door. neither of you spoke. what was there to say? he had cheated on you. you had retaliated with an exposing song. or maybe he hadn't cheated on you, and you simply misunderstood. either way, what had happened, happened. as far as you were concerned, he was here to beg for your forgiveness. you began to shut the door, but he stopped you. with a sigh, you let him in. it was his apartment, too, after all. you wobbled to the kitchen, leaning against the counter and pouring yourself a glass of water. satoru watched you in silence. "well?" you croaked out. "come to apologize? gloat?"

"baby..." he whispered, stretching his arms out to you, but retracting when you took a step back. satoru took a breath, steadying himself. "i didn't cheat," he stated plainly. "i know you think i did. but i didn't. uta is just a friend. i've never thought of her that way, and i'm never going to think of her like that. i'm not dating her, i'm dating you." his words sounded slightly reheards. he must've been practicing on his flight here. it dawned on you that it was four in the morning in los angeles, and seven a.m. in new york. satoru was missing fashion week, here, trying to fix things. a flight from nyc to la was just over six hours, so he would've had to get on a plane by one am est. he had texted you just after eight fifty p.m. pst, so eleven fifty new york time. which means almost as soon as he heard your song, he was on his way to the airport to fly to you. "please baby, you gotta believe me. those paps fucked everything up, the photos-"

"are they fake?" you cut him off. "the photos. are the fake? photoshopped or otherwise edited?"

gojo slightly squirmed, "well, no, they're not edited, but they were taken out of context." he rushed out the last part of his sentence. "please, love, just hear me out."

he looked like a disaster. satoru's normally bright irises were dim, the usual joy gone. he looked sleepless, violent violet bags forming like bruises under his red-rimmed eyes. his fluffy white hair was flat against his forehead, matted and lifeless. he was still in his work clothes, with his favorite blue jacket hanging open on his shoulders. satoru looked like he hadn't ate or slept in the last eighteen hours. maybe it was how pitiful he looked maybe it was how much you still loved him. but you nodded your head, allowing for satoru to explain. his sigh was audible, and some color returned to his eyes.

"okay, first, i love you so fucking much. i've loved you since that first night we met into the bar six years ago. if you don't forgive me tonight, or ever, i'm still going to spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the hurt that i've cause you from that stupid article. i didn't cheat on you, not with utahime or with anyone else. i spent five years trying to work up the nerve to ask you out, i'm not going to let you go easily." satoru meant every word he said, his tone convinced you of that. "second," he continued, "is that the paparazzi are always pulling things out of their asses, we know this. the first photo they talked about, the one with me and utahime at per se, where we were holding hands? her heel had got caught on a sewer grate, and uta tripped. i grabbed her hand to prevent her falling on her face, which honestly, would've been funnier." you chuckled lightly, and a smile formed on satoru's lips. from his perspective, this was going much better than he had anticipated. "the next photo with my arm around her waist, utahime was so drunk, she could barely stand. i was pretty drunk, too. we were the only ones keeping each other up. same with the pictures of us outside the club on eighth. i wasn't as drunk in that one, but she was pretty hammered. i didn't feel comfortable just sending uta off in a cab back to her hotel. something easily could've happened to her, so i went back with utahime to her hotel. nothing happened between me and her," satoru finished. quiet settled over you two again as you contemplated his words.

everything he said made sense. you wanted to believe him so badly, but you weren't there yourself. "okay," you said slowly, after what felt like an eternity to satoru.

"okay? wh-what does that mean? does... does that mean you believe me?"

you took a deep breath. "i believe you."

those three words were all he needed to hear. satoru rushed over to you, his body engulfing you in a crushing embrace. "oh, thank god," he breathed into your hair. when he pulled back, his blue eyes were shining once again. satoru almost kissed you, forgetting his exhaustion, but your hangover still gripped at you. you winced at his strength, your arms hanging limply at your side. satoru whispered out an apology, guiding you back to bed. before you both finally found the sleep you desperately needed, you mumbled, "i'm sorry about the song."

satoru laughed quietly, resting his head in the crook of your neck. "don't be, i think it's your best one yet."

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everythingsinred · 1 year ago

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For the writers ask: 2, 3, 4, 17

thank u for asking <3 <3 <3

2) What is your favorite fic of yours? i hope this isn't too much of a cop-out answer but my favorite fic is always the one i'm working on. a lot of love goes into each one and if i'm not fully enthralled in a story i'm writing i might as well not write it at all, imo. i'm particularly proud of atrad right now, because it took a long time, as well as lots of research and i really wanted it to be well-written. but rn, even though i'm on pause for a bit, subjectives is my fav bc it's the one i'm working on now.

3) What fic of yours do you think is underrated? it's hard to say when it comes to the ga fandom bc there's usually not as many readers at all, but i must say lack of interaction is what caused me to put not what we should be on the backburner for a few years. i fully intend to write all of it some day, but it is hard to get motivated when it's also a fic i've received negative comments on ;-;

(w the fandom that won't be named, i really liked writing trust, but it was seemingly less interesting to others so i abandoned it. rest in peace...)

4) What fic of yours were you surprised by how popular it was? i am always shocked when any of my fics get attention! my first ga fics in the internship universe on ffn got a lil bit of attention and i was genuinely surprised! but my g*th*am fic play dead getting as much attention as it did really shocked me, especially bc i was on twitter back then and i had plenty of mutuals who would "live tweet" reading whenever a new chapter came out, and it honestly felt so touching... the higher u fly, the more u have to fall and all that.

when it comes to ga, i had surrendered to having no attention especially more recently, but i think atrad got a decent amount of attention for how small the fandom is! and lots of ppl would comment and give me their thoughts which meant a lot too, and which i wasn't fully expecting!

17) Do you have any wips that you can tell us about? What are you most excited for in you wip?

obviously, i still have nwwsb, which someone asked abt recently! i'm very happy there's ppl out there who are interested in seeing it continue bc i am too <3 i'm thinking after subjectives, i'll probably continue nwwsb for a while (tho i had planned on it being rly long so i might get distracted by another project eventually before finishing it lmao)

i also wrote ~7 chapters of a zombie au a few years ago that i enjoyed but never posted bc pretty much all i saw on tumblr back then were ppl hating on zombie aus. i think i'd have to rewrite what i have though if i were to post it, which is why i'm not as excited about that project. i don't like restarting lol

and i also have a restaurant au i like, but it would likely not be quite as long as my other fics <3

and what i'm most excited abt is just sharing more fics for people to enjoy! i love writing natsumikan fanfic and giving as much as i can to this fandom and tho it seems to be in a constant state of shrinking, i won't let myself get too discouraged! thank u to all who read and enjoy my fics <3 i very much appreciate it!

send me a fic writing ask if you would like!

#ga #gakuen alice #thank u ur so nice for asking <3 #mizutaama #answered #ask games #writing asks #nwwsb #subjectives #all things rancid and delicate

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gunterfan1992 · 3 years ago

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Interview with Fan Artist loycos!

(Art by loycos)

So a few months ago, I was absent-mindedly scrolling on Tumblr (or was it Twitter?) when I came across something: an Adventure Time fan comic by an artist named loycos. As a person embedded in fan spaces, I find fanart like this all the time, but this time, there was something special about the art I was seeing. It was so... show-accurate!

I don’t mean that necessarily in regard to the art style (although it does feel right at home in the Land of Ooo, while still being its own thing with its own flourishes), but rather in relation to the characterization; the way loycos wrote the characters was spot on. She nailed PB and Marceline’s dynamic as former lovers who deep-down miss one another. She nailed Finn’s naive heroism and his one-sided crush on PB. She nailed Jake’s goofball energy. It was perfect.

In the past, I’ve only interviewed people affiliated with the show’s production, but I thought I’d mix things up a bit and reach out to some fan artists that I think are fantastic. As such, I’m delighted to share with you an interview I had with loycos, who answered my questions about her art, her history with Adventure Time, and where her work is headed!

What is your 'artistic origin' story?

[It’s] kind of a corny answer, but I've been drawing since I remember myself. My earliest drawing memories are drawing Clifford (the big red dog) fanart when I was around 5 y/o. I was always more of a "fangirl" artist, [and] I would draw characters from my favorite franchises to illustrate my headcanons and daydream scenarios I'd put them in. That hadn't changed one bit since. I had since gone on to study animation and illustration in official institutions which forced me to design characters and worlds of my own, but when I draw for myself it's always back to fanart (or studies). I don't have any OCs.

Are there particular artists or styles that you were inspired by and/or like to emulate or allude to?

I'd joke that my artstyle is just a mesh of all the franchises I've drawn fanart for over the years, but honestly, is it even a joke? I think you can easily recognize I had a Disney Phase like every other teenager (I didn't have an anime phase though! I know, I'm an anomaly) and [Steven Universe] definitely left it's fat mark on my style too. Out of [Steven Universe]'s storyboarding crew (which I followed very closely over the years) I especially love Raven Molisee and Jeff Liu for their wacky expressions and proportions, and of course Rebecca Sugar for their fluid and carefree lines. When it comes to art in general, I tend to prefer stylized, colorful and brushy styles over realistic or gothic ones, So people like Hue Teo and Patri Balanovsky pop to my mind (and my artstation feed, seriously look them up).

How do you approach your projects; what is your general art process?

It really depends on the type of project I'm doing, though, my [Adventure Time] comics were all pretty similar in their conception: I write down all of my ideas in my notes so I won't forget them. Then I either roughly sketch out the entire comic as fast as I can, or I write a script (if the concept is specifically very dialog heavy) and then sketch it roughly. Then I do the lineart and color, nothing too complicated. The one thing I think is worth noting in my long comic process is that I draw all of my panels on the same document- that way it's easier for me to make sure the characters stay on model and that my panel layout remains fresh. So basically, the way you read the comics on tumblr, as a long scroll, is the format I work on.

How did you come to find Adventure Time? What made you join the fandom?

Adventure Time is one of those shows you just know about, so I don't remember how I first found out about the show. However, I do remember when I started shipping Bubbline—after the episode “Broke His Crown” aired. I somehow ended up in their Tumblr tag and was blown away by the (by 2016's standards) blatant representation. Despite my obsession with them at the time, I never actually watched any episode that didn't feature the girls' relationship. I only started fully watching the show recently. But I did consume a lot of fan content, which I think helped me shape my own headcanons and such. After my initial interest in 2016 I put Bubbline back on the back burner and kept on my [Steven Universe] ramage, until last year's “Obsidian,” which brought me back fully on board the Bubbline decks around 2 weeks before it aired, so I was in maximum hype mode when I watched the special. It did not disappoint [and it] really reminded me of why I loved these characters and their relationship to begin with. I started drawing my own art for the ship shortly after, when I felt like the hype around the special died down and there wasn't much to keep me sustained anymore. I make what I want to see ;)

As for joining the fandom, I don't know if I can be considered a member, seeing how inactive I am most of the time and my very limited list of [Adventure Time] mutuals. I am extremely flattered that my stuff caught ATimers attention in a positive way.

You've done some amazing Bubblegum and Marceline stuff. What draws you to their dynamic?

I'm gay.

OK, seriously now. I have a soft spot for extremely feminine, dainty characters that are very reserved, so PB immediately marked herself as an obvious fav, and the road to shipping her with Marceline (who is such an obvious candidate and a multilayered, fascinating character herself) was a short one. I know calling PB dainty is far from a true statement, but that's what she appeared like on the surface and that's what caught my attention. Another thing is that I love relationships between immortal beings, I think it always adds another layer of complexity to any relationship, especially a romantic one. The whole "getting older without appearing like you've aged" and "watching everyone you love die around you while you stay the same" can surely make 2 beings bond, right? It always felt like PB and Marcy get each other in a way no one else can, they are very different on the surface but share fundamental internal similarities. Oh, and the fact that they're EXES? The romantic tension and the longing? The familiarity and banter they had in every scene they shared?This hit the jackpot on literally every relationship trope that I love. I'd much rather watch a "getting back together" than a "falling in love for the first time" story.

All of this and the fact that they [are] gay. It's really that simple sometimes.

In broad strokes, what is next for you as an artist and/or as a fan?

I have a few [Adventure Time] comics ideas\scripts on the back burner and one that is in the making. I think I'll dabble into some Nintendo fanart cause I've been playing a lot of Smash Bros and [Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild] lately.

I’m so excited to see what comes next! Either way, a huge thanks to loycos for chattin’ with me! If you’d like to check out more of her art, visit her Tumblr and her Twitter page!

#adventure time #atimers #adventuretime #bubbline #princess bubblegum #marceline #marceline the vampire queen #pb #marcy #loycos #fanart #fan art #interview #fandom

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cdroloisms · 4 years ago

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vegas team 2.0 lets go !!

vegas team au 2.0 my beloved !!!

if you don’t know what the vegas team au 2.0 is, it’s an au that a couple of my twitter friends and i developed (notably, @stabbysideblog and @dreamsclock) as a post-canon version of sparrow’s vegas team au, which had c!dream, a post-revival c!wilbur, and c!quackity working together at las nevadas.

this au exists much in the same vein, but exists post-canon (and therefore, post torture from c!quackity) and adds c!sam to the crew - it’s essentially four really, really messed up people screwing things up in las nevadas and being completely AWFUL to each other. it’s a very messed up group dynamic, 50% angst 50% crack 0% fluff or healing (...unless ;) ) and it’s absolutely one of my favorite aus at the moment.

anyway, have this ficlet for the au i wrote a little bit ago that basically goes into how these four end up working together !!

tw: implied torture, unhealthy relationships (SO many unhealthy relationships), manipulation, threats, emotional distress, mental instability

When Sam first sees the two figures standing on top of the roof of Las Nevadas, the first thing that comes to his mind is oh no, I have a bad feeling about this.

The feeling is far from foreign; a "bad feeling" has been his life for the past week ever since Dream and Wilbur had disappeared from Pandora's Vault seemingly without a trace. He's tried to keep the knowledge under wraps, only telling Bad and Ant to send them on a manhunt to find the prisoner (a lost cause if he's ever seen one; the two have hunted Dream before, and all of them know that there is no way they're finding the man if he doesn't want to be found) while he and Quackity plan for the coming storm. And there will be a coming storm, he's sure - he's heard enough of Dream's desperate, deranged plans of revenge voiced in near incoherent screams through bubbling lava to think that he will come out of the cell with anything close to mercy in his heart.

Unfortunately, there's been little to nothing from the pair of fugitives running around the server, his communicator chat still buzzing with Tommy's usual shouting and Puffy's usual invitations to tea and Technoblade's usual cryptic "technoblade" messages sporadically throughout the day. It's frustratingly, maddeningly normal, and each day of waiting for the other shoe to drop only leaves him even closer to snapping completely. In a twisted, bitter sort of way, he's almost relieved at the sight of the people standing on the polished quartz roof of the casino; at least now he'll finally get some answers.

Next to him, Quackity narrows his eyes. "Nobody should know about this place," he says, lips twisting into a tight frown.

Sam shrugs, shoulders heavy and tense under netherite. "Do you think-"

"-that it's our dynamic fuckin' duo? Yeah," he breathes out, short and quick through his teeth, and his wings stretch and flutter behind him, "I think it might be."

The figures become clearer as they step closer, silhouettes dark and thrown into harsh relief against the backlighting of the sun behind them. One of them is definitely wearing armor - netherite, from the looks of it - and both are very clearly armed. Wonderful.

The taller turns towards them, gestures with a wide sweep of their arm. "Big Q!"

Sam jumps at the voice; Quackity smiles humorlessly. "Wilbur."

Wilbur turns towards the other figure - Dream, for sure then - and they seem to talk, though they are far too far away for Sam to make out anything they say. Dream seems to hand something to Wilbur, and seconds later twin dots of bluish-green arc smoothly towards the ground in front of Sam's feet. He steps back, watching from the corner of his eye as Quackity does the same, and sure enough Wilbur, and then Dream, land on the grass where their enderpearls hit the ground.

"It's been a long time, Big Q, Sam," Wilbur smiles, tight-lipped, confident, tipping his head at each of them as he says their names. He's not wearing any armor save for a crossbow - enchanted - slung loosely over his hip and a netherite sword hanging off of his belt. "How have things been?"

"Cut the crap, Wilbur." The smile stays on Quackity's face, but his eye is dark and cold and dangerous. He's changed - of course he has, you can't do what he's done in Pandora without changing, but the sight of his expression still sends a disturbed shiver down Sam's spine. "You want something."

Wilbur, to his credit, doesn't seem fazed at all. "We've been doing pretty well - I think we've made quite some progress, considering how little time it's been since we've escaped that prison - nice build, by the way, Sam." His voice is lilting, almost sincere, and he looks over at Sam with a laughing light in his eyes like they're sharing an inside joke. "It's really quite impressive - what do you think, Dream?"

Dream doesn't seem to respond; he's all decked out again, netherite covering him from head to toe, the enchanted metal plates completely dwarfing the man hidden within them. His hands clutch at a golden apple, knuckles white against the golden skin, and a plain shield is strapped over his left arm as well a hulking enchanted axe on his back. They've been busy, it seems, and Sam's teeth grind against each other; he's not sure, if it comes down to it, that this is a fight that he and Quackity can win.

"Wilbur," Quackity repeats, impatience creeping into his tone, "What do you want?"

Wilbur smiles wider; it makes Sam uneasy, like Wilbur had been waiting for this, waiting for their desperation to send them at the devil's table with paper in one hand and a pen in the other.

"You're a businessman, aren't you, Big Q? You know how business deals work - so let's talk business. I think we can come up with something agreeable, what do you think?"

Quackity huffs a short laugh- "And what's stopping me and Sam from putting a sword through your gut?"

Wilbur smiles, sharp-edged. "Well, Big Q. Resurrection magic- it's quite interesting, really. Dream was explaining it to me, you know. And here's the thing; how many lives do you think I have right now?"

What- oh. "You have all of your lives back."

"Oh, no, Sam, I'm not saying that, exactly," Wilbur waves his hand flippantly, "I'm just saying you don't know, you know? And if I were to- say, have more than one life, and you were to kill me, well," he shrugs, a thoughtful look on his face. "We were smart enough to set our beds far away from the prison, of course. It would be an awful shame if people were to find out about what the perfect, responsible Warden was allowing in his inescapable prison, wouldn't it?"

No, no, no-

"So you're blackmailing us," Quackity's eyebrows are furrowed, jaw clenched tightly. Wilbur tips his head back and laughs.

"Oh, this isn't a threat, Big Q! Just a few- let's just call them hypotheticals." He begins to pace back and forth, gait smooth and unburdened, "I'm just saying that you two are powerful right now, you know? And it's great! I love this- what was it, Las Nevadas, you're calling it? It's great. It's absolutely magnificent. I'm just saying that you might want to be careful about what people end up finding out; you know people can be about power, on this server, and it would be such a shame to see this place burned to the ground."

Quackity's wings tense, and Sam can already see the younger's mouth opening and his fingers beginning to glow white with him reaching into his inventory, and oh prime if things escalate here then they're so, so screwed-

"Business!" He shouts louder than he wants, Quackity's head snapping towards him, lips still slightly parted from the words that he never got to say, and Sam ignores him to focus his attention on Wilbur, still staring at them with a smile playing on his lips. "You said you would be willing to talk business, right, Wilbur?"

"Yes, of course! Let's talk business. What do you think, Quackity?" Wilbur pauses, looks Quackity in the eye, and the younger glares but doesn't say anything. "Oh, don't worry too much, Big Q. I honestly think that it'll be good for all of us - a mutually beneficial arrangement, if you will."

"Wilbur, just," Sam sighs, fights against the incoming headache. "Can you please just get to the point?"

"Of course, Sam," Wilbur all but chirps, "So- we have something you want, and you have something we want. I say we pool our resources- our knowledge, Dream's combat prowess, your protection and items - and make something better."

"Pool our resources- wait wait wait, you mean you want to fuckin'-"

"I don't know how much Dream has told you, but I've been dead for a pretty long time; there really isn't all that much to do in the Void, you know. I've gotten pretty bloody good at cards, if I do say so myself." Wilbur grabs Dream, ignoring the way he flinches as he slings an arm around his shoulders, "What do you say? Have room in Las Nevadas for two more, Big Q?"

Sam blinks. Prime, give him strength. "What?"

Quackity hisses quietly, "You want to help with Las Nevadas? Both of you?" Sam watches as he turns his glare from Wilbur to Dream, and oh, so that's what this is about. He points his thumb jerkily in the direction of the masked man, watching, as Dream ducks his head down, unable to back away too far with Wilbur's arm still braced behind his neck. "And why should I work with him?"

"Two in one deal, Quackity, you have both of us or nothing at all," Wilbur drawls, "Besides, I know you've wanted the power of the resurrection book - and done quite a lot to get it! I'm really very impressed. Of course, we couldn't simply give it to you, but with us on your side, there's hardly even a difference." Quackity opens his mouth, looking like he's about to protest- "And, really, it would be nice to have Dream on your side in case the Blade comes for your other eye, no?"

His mouth shuts with an audible click, one-eyed glare meeting Wilbur's all-too easy expression, before finally nodding jerkily. "Fine. As long as he doesn't cause too much trouble."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Wilbur claps Dream on the back, and he curls into himself more, arms raising up to his head. "You've done more than enough to keep him obedient."

"We'll have to write out the terms later," Quackity presses on. "Don't want either of you trying anything. I've put so much fuckin' time into this place, I'm not letting you fuck it up, you hear?"

"Of course, Big Q," Wilbur's smile is jagged, all teeth, as he holds his arm out between them. "Wouldn't have it any other way."

Quackity breathes in, out, looks over at Sam. There's a question written in the tight edge of his shoulders, in the way his wings are braced and held to his sides - are we sure about this?

Sam tips his head in a shallow nod. Do we really have a choice?

Quackity takes Wilbur's hand, shakes it. "Then welcome to the team."

Wilbur laughs, and it sounds like flames and explosions and the ground shaking beneath your feet, burns with the cold heat of smoke and ash - and Sam knows, with a bitter, searing certainty, that this is going to collapse around them in a blaze of glory, that they've all but signed their death warrants, have nothing left but to wait for the countdown timer to hit zero and blow this place up to kingdom come. Wilbur meets his eyes - dark, dead, grey like cinders and gunpowder - and he knows that the other man is thinking the same thing.

"I think this is the start to something beautiful," Wilbur says, and Sam grits his teeth as he steps into the building.

Something beautiful, indeed.

#-> vegas team au 2.0 #queue <3 #tw torture #tw toxic relationship #tw unhealthy relationship #tw manipulation #tw emotional distress #tw mental instability #tw threats #long post #my writing :D #my asks !!

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yicruz48 · 4 years ago

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Teen Titans Review #43

July/14/2020.

This issue is the continuation of the Teen Titans (Emiko, Wallace, Roundhouse and Crush) investigating the murder of Brother Blood.

The issue begins with Damian fighting crime in Gotham City and collecting data on KG Beast that I believe he uses later in the issue to find him. He is again sputtering insults at Batman’s way of handling things which seems to be his default inner monologue under Robbie Thompson.

And while I agree Batman methods aren’t the best, it makes Damian seem like a know-it-all that somehow knows more about fighting crime than his father who has spent longer fighting against it. For me personally, this makes Damian to be foolishly ignorant.

As Damian starts to struggle against his opponents Jon suddenly swoops in to assist him.

Although I admit I was pleasantly surprised to see Jon appear again in Teen Titans (even if it was aged-up Jon) there is apart of me that felt like this essentially useless to the story.

Jon expresses his concern for Damian’s future, he confesses that he has heard and seen things while with the Legion that has made him worry about Damian. I’m not sure if this implies Jon knows about what has been going on in the batfamiy or with Teen Titans although it surely confirms Jon is concerned.

Although not concerned enough to further question if Damian is really okay. What really frustrates me is that a correctly-written Jon would not just settle with, “I am fine, Jonathan,” especially if Damian turned his back on him as he answered (clearly indicating that he wasn’t okay). The real Jon would most likely continue to annoy Damian about what's going on until he confesses. The real Jon would possibly drop everything with the Legion to watch over Damian.

Unless, (and I hate to say this) this is an indication that Damian and Jon’s friendship is wavering and drifting apart. In other words, what we may be witnessing is the end of their friendship.

We are then taken back to Mercy Hall where Emiko (Mainly Emiko) and Wallace are analyzing dirt from Brother Blood’s lair to determine the murderer. Before cutting off to Crush and Roundhouse we are told the murderer intentionally left evidence behind to leave a message to the team. This tells us the suspect is connected to the team.

While Crush and Roundhouse take down more Blood Cult safe houses they discover new information about Brother Blood’s plans before dying.

What we find out:

-> Brother Blood wanted to control the whole city with his toxic chemicals.

-> First on Brother Blood’s hit list was the Teen Titans. Which isn’t surprising since essentially Brother Blood and Black Mask were in Damian’s prison the longest. Its only natural he would want to get revenge on the Teen Titans so much they were first on his list.

I guess this also highlights that Damian is actually afraid, if he wasn’t fearful that Brother Blood would kill his former team members then he would’ve let Brother Blood let them have it. I guess...thank you for the little compassion Robbie?

The Teen Titans (Emiko, Wallace, Roundhouse and Crush) then regroup to share what information they’ve found.

As Crush and Roundhouse reveal their findings Emiko reveals the culprit: Damian (surprise, surprise...not really).

I have to point this out, but one of the things that annoyed me the most of this issue was that Roundhouse was somehow surprised that Damian killed Brother Blood. Like out all of the Teen Titans Roundhouse should be the least surprised, I mean he was the who literally wanted to pin the team against Damian a few issues (specifically Issue 35 for those wondering):

So I don’t understand why the heck Roundhouse caught off guard by this revelation. I understand Crush, but Roundhouse? I don’t know if this was intentional or not but it made Roundhouse come off as fake and playing the emotion up in his favor. And this ended up making me hate Roundhouse even more than I already did.

But as much as hate him, I guess he was really saying the truth in issue 35:

“Robin’s got us all thinking that we’ve ‘solved crime. ’But really we’re all just pawns in his creepy obsession with showing up his old man.”

Because looking at the all the issues Robbie Thompson has collectively written, that is essentially what it seems like.

As the Teen Titans rush to get to Damian we see Damian still in Gotham city stalking his next prey; KG Beast.

Before we move on, I want to bring attention something that really disturbs me about these panels:

“But my path was determined by fate. By blood. By Batman himself.”

Damian is essentially saying here that he was destined to be a killer since birth, because of his legacies, because of his father. This literally goes against everything Gleason wrote in Robin: Son of Batman. Which literally proved that Damian’s upbringings and legacies don’t define him. They are apart of what he is but don’t make him...well him.

Honestly its devastating how much this trashes Gleason’s and Tomasi’s development.

Also, I am speculating that, “I know the future,” is referring to when Djinn showed Damian what his dream future held. You know the one he shed tears about because it was so beautiful or something? Yea, that one.

Moving on, as Damian is getting closer to make a move on KG Beast (for what essentially happened several months ago) the rest of the Teen Titan’s gang up on Damian. The fight against Damian begins with Roundhouse throwing the first punch.

Unsurprisingly, Damian manages to avoid anything the Titans throw at him (I say this because if you don’t remember, the Teen Titans haven’t had a chance to train with Damian except Emiko. Although even Emiko can’t take him down).

And motivated by pure blood-thirst and revenge Damian jumps on KG Beast and immediately starts attacking him in order to prove to the Teen Titans what real justice looks like. After again flawlessly moving past the Teen Titans the issue ends with Damian slicing one of KG Beast’s arms.

Conclusions:

-> Wouldn’t be surprised if that bit of dirt that Bruce found in Damian’s room was planted there by Damian intentionally in order to lead Bruce to him. Like why not? If we are shitting on Damian’s development might as will pull all the stops. PS: Surprised Bruce called Damian his son .

-> I hate Roundhouse, I really do. I need Robbie Thompson to at least do me a favor and make Roundhouse go poof like Djinn.

-> At the beginning of the Issue we are told Damian is “at crossroads” between deciding what path he will take. Toward the end of the issue, Emiko tells Damian he’s “crossed the line.” So I am taking a quick guess and assuming Damian has now made his decision which is essentially becoming an anti-hero.

-> I really hate that Damian is essentially pushing his murder agenda on the Teen Titans. As much as I despise Glass at least he wrote Damian as giving the Teen Titans a chance to work with him or not.

-> Don’t know if you noticed but most of this issue occurred in Gotham City, in other words: Batman’s city. Damian is really looking stupid by attacking KG Beast in Gotham City where Batman could easily bump into him as he makes the final blow.

-> I truly hate that Damian is wielding his sword. I saw his sword as a symbol as of a ‘new life’ and ‘redemption’ now it seems like a symbol for his regression.

-> A little confused as to how Damian plans to carry out this plan of “eliminating crime”, like with the help of who? He can’t achieve this on his own. And as skilled as Damian is, he’s not superhuman-enough for me to believe it could happen.

-> I’ve been seeing some people on twitter and tumblr claim that Damian didn’t really admit to murder but I personally took it as he did. I can see their side but I don’t know what to think of it besides, ‘I hope that is what it means and I am reading it wrong.”

-> Like to mention some theories I’ve seen:

- Damian didn’t really say he killed Bother Blood, so him killing is still not confirmed.

-This Issue mentions Fear a lot, it might be connected to the fear toxin.

- Djinn is behind Damian’s odd behavior.

-> Something I want to point out that I did not know if it was intentional or not by the artist:

Damian has this original rounded unity belt at the beginning of the issue:

And then brands a different rectangle utility belt for the rest of the issue:

I don’t know if this was Damian switching belts in order to not be tracked by Bruce or something else...

Also! Please do not move on just yet! Time to stand on my soap box again!

-> This is something I, @wesavegotham and @joejimmyjon have been discussing:

If you are buying TT issues you need to stop. Please don’t waste your precious money on this comic (plus *cough cough* there is literally websites for you read them for free. Its a bit of wait, spanning about 7-12 hours to be uploaded but this is a way to avoid giving this comic money). Save up your money for Deceased and Gotham Nights. Put your money where it deserves to be spent. Use your money to show DC the comics what your wiling to spend your money for.

-> Shout out to my fellow twitter Super Son accounts. Continue voicing your frustrations with DC under their posts (constructively of course). It was brought to my attention that my comment, along with some of my mutuals comments were feature in article. Some of them criticizing the unfair treatment of Damian.

If you don’t have a twitter account, I suggest you get one and join us in voicing our frustrations.

Okay, I am done now! If you haven't read Gotham Nights #12-13 and Hope at Worlds End GO READ IT NOW!!

Also I heard Patrick Gleason uploaded some livestreams on Instagram conveniently while we are mourning Damian’s regression.

Really good stories with Damian to cheer you up. All of them one dollar each on comixology.

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zayadriancas · 4 years ago

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Since I don’t think anyone from Degrassi Twitter follows me on here

I just want to share some thoughts I know I would get dragged for on there. I honestly am mad at myself cuz years ago I told myself I’d never join Degrassi twitter because it’s toxic and like I actually have met some genuinely great people on there and the one fear I had years ago of being dragged for liking Zaya because of all the negativity towards them actually isn’t as bad as I thought it be, actually there’s people on there that love Zaya or are starting to like Zaya which is great (I don’t care if people don’t like them I just hate when people are disrespectful towards shippers about it)

Anyway back to my main point. There’s a widely popular ship on Degrassi twitter that I actually like myself and actually grew to like more because of fanfics that some lovely people wrote on there. But I still have my criticisms about this ship, there are actually quite a lot of issues I have with this ship in canon, but I know if I ever shared this on there I’d get made to feel guilty for criticizing them or I’d get called “tasteless” or just made to feel like I’m not allowed to criticize them. And that kind of discourse gives me extreme anxiety, I don’t wanna fight with people, especially since I genuinely love the people I talk to on there, Hell the people that post about this ship are my favorite people on Twitter, but I still feel like I could never criticize this ship in any way and its starting to bother me. I also just feel like it has been kind of overhyped too

Another thing that’s bothered me is that, there’s one character and ship that’s widely hated on there, I actually myself don’t even like the ship or character in question that much. And I recognize that this widely hated character is very flawed. But not only do I feel like it’s brought up just a little too much to the point it’s like okay I get it but also it’s like this particular character wasn’t the only one flawed in the relationship. And recently I’ve seen a post about how okay fuck it I’m gonna stop being vague, I saw a post about how basically Tristan doesn’t deserve for people to care that much about him after the bus crash (mainly Miles and Zoe) because he treated them like shit. Like it was “unfair” to Miles even though Tristan was the one with a literal brain injury and if wasn’t his fault. Miles and Zoe clearly didn’t hold his behavior against him and it was their choice to stick by him Tristan didn’t force them to. In fact in the next season Tristan broke up with Miles because he didn’t want to hold him back, one of the most selfless things he’s done, he showed growth there. He’s made lots of mistakes and I’m not even a fan of him really but I honestly think it’s kind of fucked up to act like those mistakes mean he doesn’t deserve to be cared for especially after such a traumatic event. The thing the post mainly was talking about was when Zoe was saying to Miles that they needed to make things easier for Tristan and the post was saying they don’t think it’s fair to Miles and that he wasn’t “married” to Tristan like no he wasn’t but he was his boyfriend and he chose to be Tristan’s boyfriend and sure he didn’t choose for Tristan to be in a coma but again that’s not Tristan’s fault and obviously Miles isn’t obligated to stay with him forever but the thing is he chose to stick by Tristan’s side even though it was hard. No one forced him to do that. The only thing unfair here is acting like Miles feelings only matter but not Tristan’s. I really am not surprised because this has always been a problem in the fandom not just on Twitter and like obviously everyone’s entitled to their opinion but it just gets irritating to see over and over again. And it honestly seems like the main reason they’re upset is because Miles chose Tristan over Lola and they act like he was guilted into choosing Tristan but like Miles stopped giving a shit what people thought of him a long time ago, and Tristan even asked him who he wanted to be with and if he wanted to be with Lola he could have and I think he would have if that’s what he really wanted. Like I’m not denying he liked and cared about Lola but it wasn’t enough to choose her. Hell I actually like Mola better than Triles (I don’t hate Triles though) and I still can see this. The thing is these things wouldn’t bother me so much if I feel like it wasn’t discussed at least once a week. It takes a lot to start getting me irritated at a ship that I actually like but it’s starting to get the point where Mola annoys me. Not to mention, for awhile mainly last year but a few times this month the Degrassi writers were getting multiple tweets kind of bullying them into talking about Mola and I never wanted to say anything but I think it was a little much honestly. They aren’t obligated to like, talk, or care about the ship as much as fans do.

As for my actual Mola criticisms, I just once again can’t get over that not only in the fandom but on the show as well it’s always all about how Miles benefitted from the relationship. Miles was accepted for his sexuality(which is great I’m not denying that), Miles had someone to lean on while his boyfriend was in a coma, Lola made Miles happy. But what exactly did Lola get out of this relationship(that wasn’t even a legit relationship). She got her virginity taken by a guy that ditched her almost immediately, she got an unwanted pregnancy, the guy ignoring her when she tried to talk to him about said pregnancy . Yes, Lola knew that Miles had a boyfriend and that they couldn’t date for real but Miles put himself in that situation even when Lola tried to say they shouldn’t spend too much time together because it could lead to both of them getting in trouble. Miles chose himself to cheat on his boyfriend and didn’t care about the consequences of his actions until Tristan woke up. Like if he didn’t want Tristan to find out he shouldn’t have done it in the first place and once again, Miles can only think about himself and his dumb play that made fun of coma patients which no one ever fucking talks about, instead of this girl that was there for him when he had no one and was understanding and patient like, she wasn’t asking him to tell Tristan to fuck off and be with her only like fuck. Honestly, what’s weird is Lola seems to be very loved and popular in the twitter fandom yet somehow her feelings never seem to be considered when it comes to this ship. Like yes there were positives in this ship but most of those positives were something Lola did for Miles. Yes Miles said some nice things to and about her but in the end it wasn’t enough because in the end he still hurt her and she was still second choice which she’s made clear she doesn’t want to be so...again I do like Mola, mainly cuz of fan fics where this ship actually was mutually beneficial and was good for both of them, but I just needed to get this out and this is the only place I felt safe enough to do so without getting my head bitten off. And I feel like I’m such a shitty person for posting this and I’m paranoid someone from Degrassi twitter might see it like if you guys do see it I’m not trying to start drama or be hurtful or anything like I genuinely do love you all and I love the Mola fanfics, I just have started to feel like I can’t share anything slightly negative about them without getting hate and as messy as the Degrassi tumblr could be back in the day I’ve always felt safe sharing my opinions here. I’m sorry if anyone feels attacked by this I genuinely am not trying to do that.

#long post #I’m not going to tag this because then more might see it

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maq-moon · 4 years ago

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My mental illness & fandom

So this is a long time coming from me. Almost a year, really. I want to be clear up front: this isn’t a call-out post. It’s me explaining my (and possibly others’) behavior. It’s partially an apology, too. I know tumblr is like... the worst place to talk about mental health, but this is where the people I care for-- the people to whom this applies-- will see it. I’m so nervous that I’m actually shaking, but I think it has to be said. I won’t feel right until I’ve explained. So, off we go!

I’m crazy. I use that word because I have to laugh about my mental health or I’ll cry about it. There’s a laundry list of diagnoses (when I see a new doctor I ask, “Would you like them alphabetically or the order in which they were diagnosed?”), but right now we’re going to focus on two. I have PTSD (no, I won’t say why) and BPD. BPD is currently being bastardized in the media. Crime shows love to have their perp or unsub suffering from undiagnosed or unmedicated borderline. I won’t rant about how the mentally ill are far more likely to be the victims of violent crimes than to commit them.

The central thing with BPD is “black and white” or “all or nothing” thinking. Everything is one extreme or another; no middle ground exists. There are also attachment issues. We tend to get attached to people fast. Add the “all or nothing” to that. We could, hypothetically, meet a new person, have one or two good conversations, and think, “Wow, we’re great friends!” while the other person is thinking, “Meh, maybe I won’t answer their next text.” (This is where the media stereotype of stalkers/obsessed killers comes from).

I get this way. I’m very sociable and chatty and, if others are to be believed, downright charming *wink* I also attempt to cover my insecurities with humor. I’m incredibly insecure and want to avoid talking about a significant amount of my life, so I joke a lot. I’m generally positive with everyone I meet. Why shouldn’t this new person want to be my friend?

Because of me. Because of PTSD. As much as I get attached, as much as I want this new friend, I can’t trust them. As soon as a conversation turns serious, I get uncomfortable and push new people away. Sometimes friends will physically push the new people away for me if they see I’m in distress.

Which brings us to our title: fandom. Should be lots easier since it’s online, right? Nope! Have you ever heard of parasocial relationships? Most people haven’t. I learned about them when David Bowie died. A parasocial relationship is basically a one-sided relationship-- like why you’re sad when a celebrity dies. They didn’t know you, but you felt that you knew them in a way. That’s why the prefix is para. Here’s the connection. A person with borderline gets involved in fandom. Suddenly they’re surrounded by new people. Blogs, Twitter, the AO3 comment section, Discord servers-- they all serve as a way to interact with new people. And interaction means attachment.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have made actual friends in fandom. I go out of state a few times a year to visit someone from my Harry Potter roleplay days. I know it’s not impossible. But I don’t know when it’s a real relationship and when it’s parasocial.

You may be thinking that it’s like this for everyone. We’re all navigating the Internet and faceless kinda-friends. Well, yes. But I’m acutely aware of how having borderline makes me act and how it affects others. I don’t want to be that clingy weird lady. I don’t want to over-share and make people uncomfortable. So as soon as I feel a rapport building with someone online, I do what I do in real life: shut.it.down. I don’t ghost one person, I quit the Internet (all or nothing, remember?). I don’t want to give myself the opportunity to fuck up a friendship, so I stop myself from forming one. And I don’t think about how that affects the other person, because PTSD has me focused on my own well-being.

BPD and PTSD are one hell of a combo, right? Come closer, stay back! Ugh.

I asked my therapist once how to tell if the people online were my friends, if they liked me as much as I liked them. She said that a good indicator would be someone going out of their way to ask how you are or just saying “hi”. I realized my fandom friends weren’t my friends, and it was probably my fault. I quit the Internet for much of 2020 (when I wanted to come back, my computer broke. w e i r d). It’s hypocritical of me to make assumptions, though. After all, I don’t send random “hello how ya doin” messages. I keep quiet out of fear of my mental illness. I don’t know why others are quiet. I jump to the worst conclusion, though: none of them like me. And that’s me. That’s not a reflection of any community I’m in. All of my fandoms are full of lovely people. People I like, and who I wish I were brave enough to let like me.

I said way back in the first paragraph that this is a sort of apology. I’m not apologizing for having mental illnesses. Genetics and experiences did that and I stopped being ashamed a long time ago. I do want to apologize to a great group of people (while being vague enough that hopefully only they know who they are?).

Last year, I feel like I invited myself to your event. It was open, obviously, and I had a great vacation around it, but I still feel like I went somewhere I wasn’t supposed to. Zero blame on all of you; it was me assuming we were friends. The person I brought with me kept trying to get me to actively invite myself to things you were doing the next day. You weren’t talking to us, but she heard two of you discussing Indian food and kept pushing me to jump in; I’m not that rude. I talked to each of you for a few minutes, and then… Then I was afraid that the borderline would “kick in”. I was afraid that the only reason I had driven so far to meet you was because of borderline-induced parasocial relationships. A few weeks later, I did a fic swap but ignored everyone. I didn’t talk. I wrote, but I didn’t interact. I’m sorry for all of it. I won’t blame BPD; that’s a cop out (I have borderline, not “I’m borderline”). I was just very excited and very afraid and very insecure and even more very afraid.

I’m used to not being liked. I’m what you would call “an odd duck” or “a special snowflake”. I’m weird, basically. But it’s one thing to be disliked for your weirdness and another to not know why you’re disliked, or even IF you’re disliked. That’s the beauty and the horror of the Internet, I guess. You can do you, but there are no boys asking you for tissues the day you’re wearing a Wonderbra. Er, an imperfect analogy. You don’t know what people really think! There’s no body language, no inflection. The only way I can think to tell if someone’s sort of my friend is if we’re mutuals. Some of my very favorite people aren’t, and I won’t pretend that doesn’t sting—but it’s me. It’s me and my idea of friendship, which is arbitrary and changeable, and it’s my brain playing tricks on me, and it’s me trying to outsmart a mental illness.

So… yeah. 1300 words on my brand of crazy. I hope maybe I cleared some things up (eleven months later). I guess if I had to tl;dr this thing, it would be that if I’m following you on a social media platform, if I go back-and-forth with you in comments, and so on, I probably want to be your friend and have been self-sabotaging. I’m not trying to put any onus on you. I’m just letting you know.

With love,

Mac

#cw: mental illness #cw: mental health #personal

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donteattheappleshook · 5 years ago

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Of Cars and Bars Chapter 14/14

Here it is, after three years, the epilogue to Of Cars and Bars. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and commented and sent kudos/liked or reblogged here or on Ao3 or Fanfiction.net. Every single one brought me so much joy and made me keep writing even when I didn't think I could. I hope you like the ending I gave these two idiots.

Also, as always, thank you to @kmomof4 for all your amazing help and support writing this story <3 Dedicating it to you for the last time :’(

Also thanks to @artistic-writer for helping me start this freaking epilogue when I was tearing my hair out!

Summary:

Rated E

When Emma Swan is offered the chance to go on tour as an opener for one of the most popular up and coming bands of the decade, the last thing she expects is to find that the lead guitarist is the stranger she had a one night stand with five years ago.

This started out as a smutty two shot about Emma Ruby and Mary Margaret going on a road trip and has evolved into a slow-burn mutual pining angst-fest.

Read it from the beginning on Ao3 and Ffn because tumblr eats all my italics.

Epilogue - Heal Me

I wasn't looking for you / But I think maybe I was and didn't know / Oh this is love like wildness / Coursing through you like a drug

The trial had dragged on for another month. Another month of long nights and exhausting days at the end of which Killian came home to the tiny apartment he shared with his brother and his sister-in-law drained and worn out both emotionally and physically. But it was different now than it had been. Because Emma was there. She’d stayed. She’d joined them in their cramped little two bedroom until all of the drama was over and they were finally able to go back to New York.

It had been fun if he was honest. Sure, the four of them had been practically living on top of each other, but he felt supported, surrounded by love. He and Emma spent that month sneaking around like teenagers, occasionally waking up to disapproving looks from Liam and Belle, but they didn’t hold any real venom. He could tell that they were happy he had Emma.

Emma had been worried that Liam wouldn’t forgive her. She’d told him the whole story, about how she’d promised Liam back when they were on tour that she wouldn’t break his heart and when she had, Liam had called her out on it. While he was annoyed with his brother for meddling in his life, it was also another reminder that he had a family who would always look out for him.

Liam had forgiven her. Easily, to everyone’s surprise. He’d said that he understood that sometimes it took time for people to realise their mistakes and do the right thing. Killian was shocked to hear those words come from his brother’s mouth. He was always so black and white. Perhaps Belle was rubbing off on him. But maybe it was because she had come back and Liam realized that the present and future were what mattered, not the past. Whatever the reason was, he was glad that the two most important people in his life had made peace.

Gold had been denied probation, had been denied a mistrial and he was sent back to prison. He would likely have another chance at parole, another chance to appeal the decision, but they would deal with that when they came to it. For now, justice had been served and Killian could finally rest, feeling that Milah had been avenged in some way.

When the dust had settled, they’d headed back to the States. Originally, they had wanted to start their tour right away but had decided that it was better to wait until the next summer. Besides, the Ugly Ducklings were in the middle of recording an album and Robin wanted them to finish it - wanted to have it drop while there was still some summer left. He also suggested that it would be better for them to tour after the record had been released so that people would know their songs and buy more tickets.

There had been negotiations about that. About whether or not it was a good idea to have double headlining acts or if the Ugly Ducklings should still open for Abandon Ship! since they were still lesser known. That decision had been made for them however, when the girls’ album went platinum two weeks after it was released.

Emma had been shocked. She didn’t understand what the hell had happened but somehow, overnight, they were famous. They couldn’t go out on the streets without being recognized, without constant demands for photos and autographs. Suddenly she was overwhelmed with requests for interviews and appearances on talk shows and morning shows.

That had been another reason the tour was delayed. Between the success of the two groups, there was barely time left to schedule one, hardly any time that they were both available. Belle, as both of their managers now, had wanted them to ride the success of the album, to go on tour right away. But it hadn’t been possible. So it had been delayed until the new year.

A sort of competition had started between the two bands as both their albums continued to have songs rivaling for the number one song in the country over the months that followed. Killian particularly enjoyed it because whenever Emma would brag that her song had beat his, he could brag that he still won because the song was about him. In fairness, she could claim the same.

Emma was convinced that their sudden popularity had more to do with the very public display of affection between her and Killian that day in London. She was sure that people had looked her up and found the album that way. Killian was convinced that it was the video of their last encore that had gone viral. She’d created a one-time, exclusive song that had no other recording apart from one enthusiastic cameraman who had leaked it online and the throngs of cellphone videos.

She’d given them that one taste of what she could do and then had finally released it a few months later with a whole album of equally fantastic songs. Besides, Killian had said, Why did it matter? People were listening to her music. They heard it and they liked it and she touched people with her lyrics and her melodies. Did it matter how they had gotten there?

Despite how busy they were, Emma and Killian still managed to find time to write together. They’d started in London whenever Killian had a particularly rough time with the case and needed to vent, needed an outlet for his pain. They’d continued when they moved back to New York - Emma with Ruby and Mary Margaret, and Killian with Graham and David. It was all of three months before their friends demanded that they move out of their apartments and in with each other, sick of the constant displays of affection.

Emma felt bad - kind of. She kept expecting it to stop. Kept expecting to want him less, for the pull between them to relax, to slow. She thought she’d eventually stop wanting to touch him all the time, to make love to him all the time. But she didn’t. She couldn’t get enough of him, couldn’t keep her hands to herself, nor could he keep his to himself.

She couldn't help it. She loved being around him, loved the way he made her feel and laugh and think and the way he brought out the music in her. She liked talking to him, listening to him talk, liked being vulnerable with him and seeing him open up to her. Maybe this was just love, she thought. Maybe she really hadn’t felt it before him.

One of their songs, however, had blown up in a way she never expected. Most times, when they wrote, it was one helping the other work through a bit they were stuck on, helping them fix the chord or the lyric that sounded wrong. But this one they'd written together. The lyrics, the melody, and the feelings that inspired it were equally his and hers.

They hadn’t even meant for it to be released. Ruby had overheard it when she’d come over when they were in the middle of a writing session. Her exact words had been ‘holy fuck’. She’d had them play it for Belle and the guys and Mary Margaret, all of whom insisted that the song needed to be recorded, not by either group but by the two of them, released as a stand alone single.

Belle had insisted they release it on social media first. On twitter and instagram and others Emma hadn’t heard of. They’d released it under Killian Jones from Abandon Ship! and Emma Swan from the Ugly Ducklings, and they’d recorded it in their apartment, both of them sitting on a pair of kitchen chairs in their living room with a few mics set up. Just them and their guitars playing together and to each other, two of the biggest new faces in music, one of the most talked about and gossiped about couples in the industry (and drooled over as Killian liked to remind everyone), singing a love song to and about each other.

They went viral in an hour. The song was constantly talked about online and on talk shows and in press interviews - as was their relationship. They were asked dozens and dozens of times to confirm that they were in fact a couple. Killian was thrilled that he could say yes, that he could tell the whole world that he loved Emma Swan and that she loved him too. He was even more thrilled when she was the one to say it.

It didn’t scare her anymore. She was still a private person, still didn’t like anyone knowing anything about her personal life really, but he knew that she didn’t care that the whole world knew she was in love with him. And that thought made his heart soar every time.

And then the really crazy thing happened. They were nominated. For a Grammy. They hadn’t believed it at first when they’d gotten the call, had thought it was a prank orchestrated by Graham and David. But when it turned out to be true, and it really sunk in, he’d pulled her into his arms, laughing into her neck, unable to stop smiling. He’d known that they wrote good music together, knew that she made him better and that he made her better. But he’d never imagined this.

Arrangements had been made quickly, Belle determined to ride the wave of their Grammy win - nomination, Belle, Emma kept reminding her only to receive a dismissive wave. They managed to find a way to book a tour, to move enough things around so that they could start the day after the awards from Los Angeles and then make their way across the country. And then the UK. And then the rest of Europe.

That was where they were now, in a hotel room in L.A. the day of the Grammys. Emma was supposed to be getting ready for the awards tonight. She should have left a little while ago really. But while she was excited to go back on tour, was honoured and humbled that they’d been nominated for best song, the idea of leaving the hotel room, leaving the hotel room bed where she was currently tangled up with a very attractive and very naked rockstar made spending hours being gussied up sound like a far less appealing option.

“We need to get going, Swan,” Killian said detangling himself from her arms despite her best efforts and stepping off the side of the bed. Emma pouted.

“No, we don’t,” she whined, reaching for him again but he danced out of her reach. He laughed. He always laughed when she was this frustrated, and a little needy for him too, honestly. It wasn’t her fault. He was standing there next to the bed in all his God-given glory, miles of bare arms and legs and chest and ass on display. It was really just cruel of him.

“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t have to get going. You do.”

She groaned and rolled her eyes, not happy with the reminder of what the rest of her day and night was going to look like. “Do we have to go? Why don’t we just stay here?” she asked, reaching for his hand and trying to coax him back into bed with her. He was really doing his best to resist, she could tell, but his resolve was weakening. She saw the smirk pulling at his lips, saw the way his eyebrow ticked up. He didn’t pull his hand away.

“Emma, it’s the Grammys. We’re nominated. We can’t just not go.” She couldn’t tell if he was trying to convince her or himself.

She dropped his hand, rolled over onto her back and let out another, long-suffering groan. She knew she had to go but there were so many other fun things she’d rather do instead. The fact that they’d just done them was irrelevant. He sat on the bed next to her, laughing again.

“I know that,” she said. “But you get to just throw on a suit and head out the door. I have to go let myself be poked and prodded by a bunch of strangers trying to fit me into some ridiculous dress that Mary Margaret picked out.”

“Don’t you want to go and be pampered by people whose only job is to dote on you?”

“I’d rather you pamper and dote on me,” she said, running her arm up his forearm.

“Oh, really?” he asked, eyebrows raised, leaning in just a little.

“Mhm. Poked and prodded sounds good too.”

He grinned. “And how exactly would you like to be pampered, Swan?” he asked, his own hand finding her wrist, trailing up the inside of her arm to her elbow, up to her shoulder and across her collarbone.

“You know exactly how I like it,” she told him, trying to keep her breathing steady as his hand ghosted down between her breasts, over her stomach and across her hips.

He hummed. “But I want you to tell me.” Fucking hell.

“Kiss me,” she said, still shy when it came to this sort of thing but the way he reacted whenever she told him what she wanted, when she talked when they were together like this spurred her on.

“Where?” he asked with a wicked grin. She rolled her eyes, grabbed hold of the back of his neck and pulled him down to her lips. He went willingly, his mouth sliding over hers, lips parting when she licked at them, stroking her tongue with his. She really really thought she’d get over the way he kissed some day, that she’d get used to it, that it wouldn’t turn her on as much as if his mouth was moving between her legs. But god the man could kiss. She was already squirming under him, caged between his arms that were braced on either side of her, decidedly not on her body.

“Touch me,” she whined against his lips. She felt him smile against her.

“Where?” he asked before kissing her again. She took hold of his hand, lowered it to the ache between her thighs.

“Here,” she breathed.

She felt his breath catch, puffed against her lips as his fingers met her wet heat. “Always so wet for me, Swan,” he mumbled.

“Always,” she said. “Please, Killian,” she asked and he obliged, slipping one finger inside of her, sliding in easily and pumping slowly. She arched her back, pushing up against his hand. “More,” she begged and he slid in a second finger.

“Like that?” he asked, increasing the speed of his thrusts. It felt amazing but not enough. She looked up at him, saw him watching her with that same hint of the wicked smile from before, but his eyes were darker now, hooded as she writhed beneath him. But he waited. She knew she would have to tell him what she wanted. Fine. If he was going to make her beg for it then she was going to make sure he paid for it.

She grabbed his hair, pulled his head down. “Kiss my neck,” she told him, frowning when he began pressing soft, slow brushes of his lips down the column of her throat. “No,” she told him, tightening her hold, his fingers were still moving inside of her and she canted her hips, trying to increase his rhythm. “Properly. Bite me. Lick me,” she demanded.

She gasped as his mouth opened against her skin, his tongue dragging and flicking as his lips sucked at her flesh, finding the spots he knew drove her crazy. She canted her hips again and he took pity on her, flattening his palm against her so she could grind her clit against the heel. His teeth found the spot where her shoulder met her neck, biting down, just the right side of painful. She moaned and his lips curled against her shoulder.

“Lower,” she insisted, voice cracking as she dragged his face down to her breast. He waited. “Fuck, Killian, are you gonna make me ask you to suck my tits?” she growled, getting really annoyed at this game he seemed to be having so much fun with.

“That will do, Love,” he said before shifting on the bed so that he was laying next to her, hovering over her, steadying himself on an elbow. He put a knee between her legs, kept up the slow, torturous movement of his fingers as he took her breast into his mouth, rolling his tongue over her nipple before sucking at the sensitive bud.

“Yes,” she moaned. “Use your tongue again,” she demanded and he groaned against her before dragging his tongue over her nipple, flicking at it. “More,” she demanded, not even really sure what she was asking for but when he bit down on the tip she practically screamed in pleasure. Thank God he knew what she was asking for.

“Both of them,” she begged, not realising until his fingers slipped out of her heat that she’d made a mistake. “Wait, no,” she started but he only chuckled against her breast, his hand coming to the other, cupping it, wet fingers drawing lazy circles around her nipple before he dragged his thumb over it.

Her head fell back against the pillows, a small cry drawn from her lips as she arched her back into his touch. She needed more though, missed the friction between her legs and she grabbed at his hips, trying to nudge him over so she could press his thigh against her core. He didn’t move easily though and she cried out in frustration.

“Fuck, Killian! Give me something to ride!” She felt him stiffen, felt the way his fingers pinched at her nipple in a way that didn’t seem intentional. Good. She was getting to him too. She really only had the chance to feel smug for a second before he lowered himself into the cradle of her thighs, the rough hair below his navel pressing down on her clit as he let her grind her hips against him.

Emma was reeling, unable to think of anything besides the feel of his mouth and his fingers on her nipples and the pressure between her legs that was growing with every grind of her hips against him. She was lightheaded, lost to the sensations, pretty sure she was going to come from this alone. She let out a desperate moan and felt his answering growl against her skin, felt him press his hips further into her. She wanted more. She wanted -

“I want your mouth,” she gasped. “I want your tongue inside me and your fingers. I want you to lick me, suck my clit.” She grabbed at his hair again, pulled sharply. “Eat me out,” she demanded. The words felt crass coming out of her mouth but she couldn't think of another way to say it. That was exactly what she wanted. She wanted him to lick and suck at her like a starving man. She wanted him to devour her.

He growled again, giving her nipple a harsh flick before sliding down her body, pressing fast, hot kisses across her belly on his way down. She cried out, doubling over when he began his assault, his tongue dragging through her folds once, twice, before pushing inside of her, curling and licking at the wetness there. She felt his groan vibrating through her core, sending shivers down her spine.

She moaned, called out his name, and he did it again. And then again before pulling back and sliding his fingers back in, reaching deeper, stretching her wider. He curled them the same way he had his tongue, dragging against that spot that made her see stars. She could feel his breath on her but not his mouth and she writhed in frustration.

“What's wrong, Swan?” he asked, a teasing lilt to his voice but it was obscured by the rough tenor that betrayed his desire. “Is that not what you want?”

“I already told you what I want!” she snapped, lifting her hips towards his face but he pulled back.

“Tell me again,” he rasped. Asshole, she thought, she glanced down at him and saw the darkness in his eyes, the blue almost completely swallowed by black, his lips swollen and damp. He was pleading, looking nearly as on edge as she was.

“I want your mouth on me, Killian. I want you to make me come on your tongue. And then again on your cock.”

“Because I’m the only one who can make you fall apart every time, aren’t I? The only one who's ever been able to.” She never should have told him that.

“Then prove it!”

She saw the challenge in his eyes as they narrowed. His free hand grabbed hold of her thigh, wrapping around it and pulling her roughly against his mouth as he dove in, finding her clit with his tongue, flicking and circling and toying with it before pulling it into his mouth. He added a finger, thrusting faster, stretching her, filling her so perfectly as he continued to lick at her most sensitive spot.

“Yes!” she cried. “Oh, fuck, Killian, yes! Don’t stop.” She was grinding against his face, against his fingers, riding him faster and faster to her climax. He was relentless, pressing down on her hips to hold her steady as he pulled harder at her clit, curled his fingers, dragging them against her walls on every pass. The coil tightened in her belly, in her spine, every nerve in her body burning hotter until she was sure she would burst into flames.

“Make me come,” she gasped between moans and he rolled his tongue, pulling her clit harder into his mouth, sucking deeper and she broke, her back arching off the bed, toes curling into the mattress as her fingers gripped the pillow under her head.

It felt like ages before she had enough control of her limbs, enough of her senses back to look up at him - to even open her eyes. When she did, he was kneeling at the end of the bed, eyes hooded and hand stroking lightly at his cock, smearing her wetness over it as he watched her.

“I love watching you come,” he said, voice low and strained. He moved to fall over her but she stopped him, putting her foot on his chest. He raised an eyebrow and she smirked.

“You’re not the only one who likes to watch,” she told him and felt the heat of his desire wash over her as he gripped himself tighter, his hand pumping over his generous length.

Emma cocked her head as she took him in, the clenching of his jaw, the tauntness of his neck and shoulders, and the way the muscles flexed in his forearm as he brought himself closer to the edge. His head fell back for a moment as his hand sped up and she bit her lip. Fuck, he looked hot like this, lost in his own pleasure, mouth hanging open as small, desperate sounds escaped him.

His eyes found her again, raking over her from head to toe as he increased his pace, biting his lip. She rubbed her legs together, trying to soothe the ache that was already building between them. She saw his eyes flare and zero in on her center.

“Bloody hell, Emma,” he groaned. “Please.”

“Please what?” she asked and she smirked as his eyes darkened. “Tell me what you want,” she taunted, turning his own game against him.

He growled before crawling up the bed, pulling her legs apart and pushing himself between them. She gasped when she felt the tip of him brush through her folds. He leaned over her, caging her in with his arms as he brought his face within breathing distance of her own, speaking his next words against her lips.

“I want to bury myself inside you. Push my cock deep into your cunt until you cry out like you always do when I fill you up just the way you like.” She gasped into his mouth, back arching with every teasing, shallow thrust of his hips, his cock nudging at her clit and sending shockwaves coursing through her. He brought his hand to her breast, palming it, rolling her nipple under it until it was hard, craving more. Fuck. Why did she think she could beat him at this game? “Is that what you want to hear?” he asked, catching her bottom lip between his teeth and dragging them slowly over it before moving to her jaw.

“Yes,” she moaned, grabbing hold of his hip, pulling him closer. “Fucking do it already,” she demanded and he didn’t even laugh, didn’t revel in his victory which told her that he was just as desperate as she was. He took himself in hand, finding her entrance and slid in with one firm stroke.

“So wet,” he gasped, head falling to her chest. “So tight.”

She pushed her hips up against him, letting him slip even deeper and he took the hint, pulling back only to thrust back in hard and fast and so fucking deep. She held on to his shoulders as he rutted against her, a series of grunts and gasps leaving him as he moved inside of her, his pace fast, rough, almost sloppy. She revelled in it, in his desperation and naked want for her.

She could tell he was close, the cries falling from his lips coming faster, his thrusts matching them. She felt the sweat on his back, the strain of his muscles as he raced towards that edge. She was close too. The deep, powerful thrusts hitting a spot inside of her that always sent her careening towards her peak. She brought her hand down between them, circling at her clit in time with the pounding of his hips.

“Fuck,” he breathed against her and she didn’t know if it was because of his own pleasure or the thought of her touching herself. She didn’t care though as he increased his pace, arm sliding around her back, hand gripping her shoulder so hard she was sure he’d leave bruises - wouldn’t that be fun to explain on the red carpet - and she could tell he was nearly there.

He pushed her hand away, his own fingers taking over, his thumb pressing and circling so hard it was almost painful. She let out a shocked cry as she felt herself racing towards her orgasm, no longer in control, the sensation overwhelming. She gasped into his ear, her words choking on her cries. “I want you to come.”

He groaned, hand snapping to the mattress beside her, fisting in the sheets as he drove into her at a breakneck pace before crying out against her neck. He pressed down on her clit, scraping at it as he spilled himself inside of her and she jerked, scream catching in her throat as her body convulsed, her orgasm crashing over her hard and fast and sudden. He kept his hand there and the pressure, the sting of it kept the waves coursing through her, aftershocks pulsing through her endlessly until he finally released her, stroking her gently, soothingly as he eased her down.

His arms shook with the strain of holding his weight off of her and he slowly rolled over, collapsing on his side. Still trembling, she turned her head so she could look at him, always loving the way his face looked after he came, eyes closed, brow pulled up, mouth open - an expression of blissful anguish. She reached out, stroking his cheek with the back of her hand and then brushing her thumb over his bottom lip.

He caught her hand, kissed her palm though panting breaths. His eyes fluttered open, smiling at her sweetly at first and then with increasing smugness.

“What?”

He reached out, traced her jaw with his thumb. “Darling you are going to look thoroughly fucked walking down that red carpet.”

Right on cue, there was a banging at their door. “Emma! You’re late! You have two seconds to get your ass dressed and out this door before I come in and drag you out,” Mary Margaret warned. Emma groaned and Killian laughed.

“Well, at least she’s started asking before using her key,” he shrugged. Yes, she’d only made that mistake once and she’d gotten more of an eyeful of Killian than she’d ever wanted. Emma rolled out of bed, Killian’s laughter still following her as she pulled on a bra and underwear before throwing her sweats on. She went to open the door, Killian throwing the sheet over his hips.

Mary Margaret stood on the other side, eyes raised to the ceiling before she looked down, making sure she wouldn’t be seeing a naked Killian again. She looked Emma over from head to toe and then glanced back at where Killian was laying in the bed behind her.

“Oh, for God's sake,” she groaned. “You do realise we need to be at the Staples Center in three hours and we were supposed to be at hair and makeup twenty minutes ago.”

“Can’t I just do that on my own?” she whined. “Just throw on some mascara and some lipstick and maybe a dress I can actually move in?”

Mary Margaret took a deep, centering yoga breath. “Emma. You are going to walk on stage in front of thousands of people. This will be broadcast world wide. You are not going to slap some makeup on your face and wear your damn jeans.”

“I didn’t say my jeans.”

“This is serious,” she said, taking her hands, her tone softer now. “Emma, your music has reached so many people, touched so many lives. And now people want to thank you for it, want to congratulate you for it with the biggest honour you can recieve in this business.”

Emma looked down, a bit abashed. “Okay.”

“Good. So show some goddamn respect and let’s go doll you up!” Emma’s mouth fell open, eyes snapping to her friend. Had she been tricked? She’d been tricked. Damn Mary Margaret.

After hours of being poked and prodded in a much less pleasant way than earlier, Emma was released from the studio. She had to admit, she looked pretty damn good. Her dress was a dark, midnight blue that brought out her skin tone and hugged her shape (probably enhanced it if she was being honest). Her makeup was flawless but thankfully not heavy and overdone like she’d feared. Her hair, however, had refused to lose that slight madness, that slight wildness that screamed that she had been completely and thoroughly fucked. She smiled a little secret smile at the idea.

“I told you,” Mary Margaret said as she, Ruby and Belle all took a moment to complete a few finishing touches before heading out the door. There were limos waiting outside, the guys already dressed and ready to go. They probably even had time for a nap, Emma begrudged them. And a snack, she thought as her stomach growled.

Belle had planned out the limos strategically. Graham, David, Liam and herself were in one, Ruby and Mary Margaret in another. Emma and Killian had been specifically instructed to show up in a third limo, last of the three to arrive. Belle said they needed to play up their relationship for the tour and the publicity. And they were nominated together.

Emma wasn’t thrilled about using her relationship for fame but she did like that she’d have Killian beside her all night, there holding her hand and making sure she didn’t panic and freeze up in front of everyone. Or trip in the stupid heels Belle had picked out.

Graham and David popped out of the car to say hello to Mary Margaret and Ruby. David took Mary Margaret’s hand, twirling her around like a princess as he showered her with compliments and she giggled like a schoolgirl. Graham, a man of few words, took one look at Ruby and his jaw dropped, a breathless ‘wow’ escaping him. Ruby smirked, grabbing him by his tie and pressing her lips to his. The dazed look on his face when she pulled away and wiped the lipstick off his face was priceless.

Killian stepped out, dressed in a dark blue suit that made his eyes look even brighter, as though that were even possible. His hair was combed neatly and his beard was trimmed. Emma’s jaw practically dropped when she saw him. In all the months they’d been together now, she’d never seen him dressed up like this. He looked good. She smirked as she watched his eyes rake over her, his tongue coming out to wet his bottom lip.

“Swan,” he said, reaching his hand out for her. She took it, letting him help her into the car. She slid over and he followed her in. Before the door could be shut though, Belle stopped it, one hand on the frame. She shot Killian a death glare.

“If she shows up with even one hair out of place, one smudge of lipstick on either of you, I will murder you myself. Do you hear me?” It should have been funny, but both of them swallowed, nodding, worried she might follow through on her threat. “Good,” she said, her stare still hard. “See you there.”

The door shut and Killian turned to her as the car pulled away. He smiled at her, reaching into his jacket pocket. “I got you something,” he said. Emma cocked her head to see what it might be. He pulled out a little paper bag, the waxy kind. It had been folded at the end to keep it sealed. He handed it to her and Emma opened it, the smell hitting her first before she saw what was inside and her mouth watered.

“I love you,” she said and he laughed. He’d brought her a freaking bear claw. She took a bite, making sure not to spill any on her dress and chewed gratefully. She loved that he knew she’d be starving, that he’d thought to stop at a bakery somewhere to pick this up. She loved when he did this kind of thing, the little gestures to show he cared.

She slid across the seat, tucking herself under his arm and leaning against him as she munched on her snack, even offering him a bite at one point - that was how thankful she was. She liked these moments, the quiet ones. Sure, they were on their way to a huge, worldwide event, but for right now it was just the two of them.

It was rare now that they had the chance to just sit and cuddle and feel normal. Their lives had become so hectic, but through it all, Killian had been there, had kept her feeling safe, had kept her feeling human even when she thought the world would overwhelm her. She was happy. Despite the madness of her new life, she was happier than she’d ever been. Her family had grown, she had a man she loved and who loved her in a way she hadn’t believed she’d ever deserve. She lay her head back on his shoulder, looking at him and wondering how she’d gotten so lucky.

“What, Love?” he asked, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Emma only smiled, reaching up with her non-bearclaw-occupied hand and cupping the back of his neck, pulling his lips down over her own. She didn’t know why it had taken her so long to let him in, but as he slanted his lips over hers, bearclaw forgotten, she was damn happy that he’d waited, happy that she’d seen the light before she let him slip through her fingers. She pulled him closer, holding on tighter. She didn’t plan on ever letting go.

Belle took one look at them when they stepped out of the limo and joined their friends on the carpet. Her eyes panned over the two of them before rolling skyward, a heavy sigh leaving her.

“Seriously?”

#of cars and bars #captain swan #cs fanfic #captain swan fanfic #cs fanfiction #cs smut #captain swan smut #cs au #captain swan au #cs angst #captain swan angst #thank you everyone!

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ingek73 · 4 years ago

Text

01-22-2112:00 PM

‘Time is running out’: Prince Harry calls for social media reform after U.S. Capitol riot

In a Q&A with Fast Company, The Duke of Sussex responds to social media’s role in the Capitol attack and explains why the next step must be to hold social platforms accountable.

[Photo: Samir Hussein/WireImage/Getty Images]

BY KATHARINE SCHWAB

LONG READ

Over the past year, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex, have become increasingly outspoken advocates for healthier social media—a topic that is clearly near to their hearts, given the horrendous vitriol and harassment they have faced online and in the press.

By partnering with organizations that aim to understand technology’s impact on society and vocally critiquing the state of online life in the media, the couple are using their clout to push for change in the current digital ecosystem. In an essay for Fast Company last August, Prince Harry called on business leaders to rethink their role in funding the advertising system that underlies the misinformation and divisive rhetoric that’s often shared on social platforms.

“This remodeling must include industry leaders from all areas drawing a line in the sand against unacceptable online practices as well as being active participants in the process of establishing new standards for our online world,” he wrote.

Now, social media is facing an inflection point, just weeks after a violent mob stormed the Capitol in an attack that was conceived, plotted, and stoked primarily online. Powerful platforms including Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube responded by suspending Donald Trump’s accounts, while Amazon and Apple cut ties with Parler, a social network that was used by the rioters. But experts and regulators believe that more must be done to reform social media.

Against this background, Prince Harry is once again imploring people to pay attention to the problems social media have wrought. In a wide-ranging interview with Fast Company, he explains why social platforms must be held accountable for the Capitol attack and the circumstances that enabled it, and why we must remodel the digital world before it’s too late.

FC: Six months ago, you wrote an essay for Fast Company in which you asked companies to take action to ensure the meaningful reform of our “unchecked and divisive attention economy.” How has your perspective on social media’s role in society changed over the last few weeks since the attack on the U.S. Capitol?

Prince Harry: When I wrote that piece, I was sharing my view that dominant online platforms have contributed to and stoked the conditions for a crisis of hate, a crisis of health, and a crisis of truth.

And I stand by that, along with millions of others who see and feel what this era has done at every level—we are losing loved ones to conspiracy theories, losing a sense of self because of the barrage of mistruths, and at the largest scale, losing our democracies.

The magnitude of this cannot be overstated, as noted even by the defectors who helped build these platforms. It takes courage to stand up, cite where things have gone wrong, and offer proposals and solutions. The need for that is greater than ever before. So I’m encouraged by and grateful for the groundswell of people who work—or have worked—inside these very platforms choosing to speak up against hate, violence, division, and confusion.

FC: Why is this topic so important to you? How was your outlook affected by the well-documented online harassment you and your wife have faced in the U.K.?

PH: I was really surprised to witness how my story had been told one way, my wife’s story had been told one way, and then our union sparked something that made the telling of that story very different.

That false narrative became the mothership for all of the harassment you’re referring to. It wouldn’t have even begun had our story just been told truthfully.

WE ARE LOSING LOVED ONES TO CONSPIRACY THEORIES, LOSING A SENSE OF SELF BECAUSE OF THE BARRAGE OF MISTRUTHS, AND AT THE LARGEST SCALE, LOSING OUR DEMOCRACIES.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

But the important thing about what we experienced is that it led to us hearing from so many others around the world. We’ve thought a lot about those in much more vulnerable positions than us, and how much of a need there is for real empathy and support.

To their own degree, everyone has been deeply affected by the current consequences of the digital space. It could be as individual as seeing a loved one go down the path of radicalisation or as collective as seeing the science behind the climate crisis denied.

We are all vulnerable to it, which is why I don’t see it as a tech issue, or a political issue—it’s a humanitarian issue.

From an early age, the guiding principle in my life has been about the duty to truth, the pursuit of compassion, and the alleviation of suffering. My life has always been about trying to do my part to help those who need it most, and right now, we need this change—because it touches nearly every single thing we do or are exposed to.

FC: Where do we go from here? What do you think needs to change to create an online atmosphere where truth, equity, and free speech are all prioritized?

PH: I ask the same thing every day and lean on the experts to help give guidance on how to reform the state of our digital world—how we make it better for our kids, of course, but also for ourselves—now.

The avalanche of misinformation we are all inundated with is bending reality and has created this distorted filter that affects our ability to think clearly or even understand the world around us.

What happens online does not stay online—it spreads everywhere, like wildfire: into our homes and workplaces, into the streets, into our minds. The question really becomes about what to do when news and information sharing is no longer a decent, truthful exchange, but rather an exchange of weaponry.

WHAT HAPPENS ONLINE DOES NOT STAY ONLINE—IT SPREADS EVERYWHERE, LIKE WILDFIRE: INTO OUR HOMES AND WORKPLACES, INTO THE STREETS, INTO OUR MINDS.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

The answer I’ve heard from experts in this space is that the common denominator starts with accountability. There has to be accountability to collective wellbeing, not just financial incentive. It’s hard for me to understand how the platforms themselves can eagerly take profit but shun responsibility.

There also has to be common, shared accountability. We can call for digital reform and debate how that happens and what it looks like, but it’s also on each of us to take a more critical eye to our own relationship with technology and media. To start, it doesn’t have to be that complicated. Consider setting limits on the time you spend on social media, stop yourself from endlessly scrolling, fact-check the source and research the information you see, and commit to taking a more compassionate approach and tone when you post or comment. These might seem like little things, but they add up.

Finally, there’s a responsibility to compassion that we each own. Humans crave connection, social bonds, and a sense of belonging. When we don’t have those, we end up fractured, and in the digital age that can unfortunately be a catalyst for finding connection in mass extremism movements or radicalisation. We need to take better care of each other, especially in these times of isolation and vulnerability.

FC: Since the Capitol riot, big tech companies from Twitter to Amazon have exercised their power by making determinations about who gets to use their products. Do you think companies should have the power to make decisions about who has access to some of the most prominent platforms on the internet?

PH: We have seen time and again what happens when the real-world cost of misinformation is disregarded. There is no way to downplay this. There was a literal attack on democracy in the United States, organised on social media, which is an issue of violent extremism. It is widely acknowledged that social media played a role in the genocide in Myanmar and was used as a vehicle to incite violence against the Rohingya people, which is a human rights issue. And in Brazil, social media provided a conduit for misinformation which ultimately brought destruction to the Amazon, which is an environmental and global health issue.

In a way, taking a predominately hands-off approach to problems for so long is itself an exercise in power.

Recently, I’ve been thinking about Speakers’ Corner, an area in London’s Hyde Park which is home to open-air debate, dialogue, and the exchange of information and ideas. I used to go past it all the time.

This concept of a ‘public square’ isn’t anything new—it can be traced back to the early days of democracies. You get up there and speak your piece. There are ground rules. You can’t incite violence, you can’t obscure who you are, and you can’t pay to monopolise or own the space itself. Ideas are considered or shot down; opinions are formed. At its best, movements are born, lies are laid bare, and attempts to stoke violence are rejected in the moment. At its worst, intolerance, groupthink, hate, and persecution are amplified. And at times, it forces lines to be drawn and rules or laws to emerge or be challenged.

I THINK IT’S A FALSE CHOICE TO SAY YOU HAVE TO PICK BETWEEN FREE SPEECH OR A MORE COMPASSIONATE AND TRUSTWORTHY DIGITAL WORLD.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

I’m not saying we should abandon technology in favour of Speakers’ Corner. Rather, it’s that we should avoid buying into the idea that social media is the ultimate modern-day public square and that any attempt to ask platforms to be accountable to the landscape they’ve created is an attack or restriction of speech. I think it’s a false choice to say you have to pick between free speech or a more compassionate and trustworthy digital world. They are not mutually exclusive.

With these companies, in this model, we have a very small number of incredibly powerful and consolidated gatekeepers who have deployed hidden algorithms to pick the content billions see every day, and curate the information—or misinformation—everyone consumes. This radically alters how and why we inform opinions. It alters how we speak and what we decide to speak about. It alters how we think and how we react.

Ultimately, it has allowed for completely different versions of reality, with opposing sets of truth, to exist simultaneously. In this, one’s understanding of truth does not have to be based in fact, because there’s always an ability to furnish some form of “proof” to reinforce that version of “truth.” I believe this is the opposite of what we should want from our collective online community. The current model sorts and separates rather than bringing us together; it drowns out or even eliminates healthy dialogue and reasonable debate; it strips away the mutual respect we should have for each other as citizens of the same world.

FC: How do you plan to use your platform to push for change when it comes to hate speech, algorithmic amplification, and misinformation in 2021? Since you’re not a trained expert on these topics, why do you think people should listen to your perspective?

PH: I know enough to know that I certainly don’t know everything, especially when it comes to tech—but when you see this as a humanitarian issue, then you see the spread of misinformation as requiring a humanitarian response.

This is why my wife and I spent much of 2020 consulting the experts and learning directly from academics, advocates, and policymakers. We’ve also been listening with empathy to people who have stories to share—including people who have been deeply affected by misinformation and those who grew up as digital natives.

What we hope to do is continue to be a spotlight for their perspectives, and focus on harnessing their experience and energy to accelerate the pace of change in the digital world.

FC: Your Archewell Foundation has collaborated with several groups and institutions that aim to rethink technology and study its impact on people. As a philanthropist, why are you supporting research efforts within this space?

PH: If we’ve learned anything, it’s that our dominant technologies were built to grow and grow and grow, without serious consideration for the ripple effect of that growth. We have to do more than simply reconsider this model. The stakes are too high, and time is running out.

WE HAVE TO DO MORE THAN SIMPLY RECONSIDER THIS MODEL. THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH, AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT.”

PRINCE HARRY, THE DUKE OF SUSSEX

There are a lot of incredible people and digital architects thinking about—or already working on—innovative and healthy platforms. We need to support them, not only because it’s the right thing to do, but also because it can make commercial sense. And we have to look at the state of competition and ensure that the landscape doesn’t indiscriminately squeeze out or incentivise against fresh ideas.

I believe we can begin to make our digital world healthier, more compassionate, more inclusive, and trustworthy.

And it’s time to move from rethinking to remodelling.

FC: Given your concerns about divisiveness, misinformation, and hate speech online, how have your views on using social media yourself changed over the last few years? How do you approach it now and are you planning to make any changes?

PH: It’s funny you should ask because ironically, we woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago to hear that a Rupert Murdoch newspaper said we were evidently quitting social media. That was ‘news’ to us, bearing in mind we have no social media to quit, nor have we for the past 10 months.

The truth is, despite its well-documented ills, social media can offer a means of connecting and community, which are vital to us as human beings. We need to hear each other’s stories and be able to share our own. That’s part of the beauty of life. And don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting that a reform of the digital space will create a world that’s all rainbows and sunshine, because that’s not realistic, and that, too, isn’t life.

There can be disagreement, conversation, opposing points of view—as there should be, but never to the extent that violence is created, truth is mystified, and lives are jeopardised.

We will revisit social media when it feels right for us—perhaps when we see more meaningful commitments to change or reform—but right now we’ve thrown much of our energy into learning about this space and how we can help.

FC: Are you optimistic or pessimistic about our ability to build a healthier online ecosystem?

PH: Optimistic, of course, because I believe in us, as human beings, and that we are wired to be compassionate and honest and good. Aspects of the digital space have unfortunately manipulated (or even highlighted) our weaknesses and brought out the worst in some.

We have to believe in optimism because that’s the world and the humanity I want for my son, and all of us.

We look forward to being part of the human experience—not a human experiment.

#royals #prince harry #duke of sussex #fast company

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harrystylesandblackgirls · 6 years ago

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Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes Timeline - The beginning

[S] Stands for speculation.

This isn’t exactly where it began but Hailey was crushing on Shawn in 2013 and Shawn responded.

October - November 2013

Hailey was 16, Shawn was 15 and he was in a relationship with Lauren at this time (2013 - 2015)

October 7, 2016

Hailey’s cousin tweeted this:

February 2017 Hailey wrote this about Shawn in ‘The Love Magazine’

(later in 2018 Shawn says that he and Hailey met through mutual friends)

Around summer 2017 it’s speculation that he starts thinking about/ texting Hailey because of a song he was working on.

[SPECULATION] June 18, 2017

Shawn has an unreleased song called, “She’ll be the one”, which some think could possibly be about Hailey! A fan asked what it’s about and he said in July 15, 2017 “It’s basically a song about you haven’t met this girl yet but you can kind of just tell that she’ll be the first girl to break your heart just because you can tell you’ll be in love with her before even meeting her type of thing‬”.

Genius lyric description: Shawn knows that this girl will be the one who will cause Shawn heartbreak, like in most relationships, yet he can’t bring it in himself to let her go. Despite knowing she will cause him pain, he is asking himself how he can not try to make the relationship work as he is already crushing hard on this girl.

[SPECULATION] July 13, 2017

He posts lyrics to “That’s Amore” on his Snapchat. It’s about a guy that falls in love with a girl.

🐥 July 16, 2017 Hailey liked Khalid’s tweet

“damn catching feelings for someone ain’t a joke lol that shit really throw you off by surprise sometimes”

[S] August 4, 2017 Camila’s song that a lot of fans think it’s about Shawn, “All these years” was wrote in July/August.

So Camila Cabello wrote a song called “All these years” that fans say is about Shawn Mendes. And the more I read the lyrics it may be true. Especially this line: “Couldn’t help but overhear you,Sounds like you’re happy with her But does she kiss you like I kissed you?” She said “it’s really personal”.

Did Shawn and Camila even ever kissed before?

IF this song is about Shawn, Hailey and Shawn definitely started getting close earlier than fans say (they say October but why else would Hailey visit his concert August 16th when she never had before? Hmmm)

“Sounds like you’re happy with her”. Could definitely be about Hailey! She released a clip of this song on her instagram live feed August 4th, hence the date up top.

People say his song, “Why” is not only about Camila but also a response to this song, “All these years”

August 15, 2017

Justin posted a picture of Shawn and said: “What a LEGEND. @shawnmendes” I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with Shawn getting with / talking to Hailey (who was Justin’s ex at this time)

1 Day later...

🚨IT ALL KINDA STARTS HERE 👇

August 16, 2017 - Hailey Baldwin News on Twitter: “More of Hailey Baldwin with fans at Shawn Mendes’s concert in Brooklyn, NYC.”

September 4, 2017

🐥Hailey retweeted Madison Beer: “Two souls don’t just meet by accident”.

September 17, 2017

🐥Shawn liked a tweet: “keep love songs alive”

🐥September 25, 2017

Hmmm could be about Hailey. I think they’ve probably been texting/talking longer than fans think (fans think October, I think longer! maybe July/ Aug)

👆Hailey retweeted the show more love tweet it’s obvious they were talking before October! They just got caught first in October at the same concert.

October 2, 2017

Cryptic tweeting.

October 7, 2017

October 22, 2017 (Sunday)

Matching Tattoos, Sunday Dinner, Night Clubs.

*I put Sunday because in his lyrics in “Nervous” he says: “I saw you on a SUNDAY in a “cafe’”… 👀 I saw a fan say he said cafe’ to change it up but it was actually a restaurant.. hmmm

AND SAME DAY (early before it all) THEY TWEETED “craY” and Shawn followed Hailey on instagram and liked that picture of Hailey and Justin.

They both got matching tattoos later. Shawn got “8” (August 8) for his birthday and Hailey got “22” for her birthday (November 22) THEY GOT IT OCTOBER 22, 2017 BECAUSE SAME OUTFITS AND TINASHE IS WEARING THE SAME HAIR AND SHIRT IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE RESTAURANT PICTURE

At the restaurant around this time her sister posted this on her instagram story (clearly about Shawn). So she did like Shawn back? Hailey was saying in the video “STOOPAA” while blushing (smiling hard) “Stop” in a long cute way as if she was talking to Shawn himself. (video)

They’re leaving a night club together (video)

October 29, 2017

Hailey and Shawn went to “Universal Halloween Horror Night” together (video)

October 31, 2017 - November 1, 2017

“Is there a hot new couple in town?”

“While hosting a Halloween party with her BFF Kendall Jenner at The h.wood Group’s Delilah in West Hollywood, Hailey Baldwin spent quality time with Shawn Mendes.

“He had his arm around Hailey and stayed by her side all night,” a source tells PEOPLE, adding that the duo left the bash together at 1 a.m. holding hands.

Last month, Baldwin, 20, and Mendes, 19, fueled dating rumors when they were spotted at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights and enjoying dinner together a few days before.”

Picture of them at the same Halloween party (Hailey top right, Shawn bottom left)

November 5, 2017

He’s deep in album 3 aka writing lyrics and working on his album where a lot of the songs are about Hailey Baldwin and it’s scarily obvious!

November 10, 2017

November 12, 2017 - EMAs

EMAs Backstage:

Hailey: “Hi darling”

(Shawn Talks about noise etc. audience..)

Shawn: “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good”.

(video)

November 12 - 13, 2017 - EMAs after pary

People at the party says they were making out.

”Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes reportedly only had eyes for each other as they were spotted ‘French kissing’ at the 2017 MTV EMAs after party in London on Sunday night.

According to The Sun, the 20-year-old blonde bombshell and Canadian singer, 19, were infatuated with each other as they packed onto the PDA for everyone to see.

[Hot new couple? Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes reportedly only had eyes for each other as they were spotted 'French kissing’ at the 2017 MTV EMAs after party in London on Sunday night]

A source told the publication: 'The place was packed with stars but Shawn only had eyes for Hailey. It clearly wasn’t a one-time thing.

'They looked like they were seriously into each other. It was a very exclusive bash and Shawn and Hailey were really enjoying themselves, spending ages French kissing.

'They even posed for a photo with Rita. It seemed like they wanted everyone to know they are an item,’ it was concluded.

They were clearly an item’: According to The Sun, the model, 20, and Canadian singer, 19, (Pictured with MTV EMA host Rita Ora) were infatuated with each other as they packed onto the PDA

It was continued: 'They looked like they were seriously into each other. It was a very exclusive bash and Shawn and Hailey were really enjoying themselves, spending ages French kissing’

He stayed by her all night’: This isn’t the first time the pair have fuelled romance rumours as earlier this month they reportedly left their pal Kendall Jenner’s Halloween bash hand-in-hand at 1am, according to People.”

(she got back with Justin 6 months later...)

November 15, 2017

A news video says that Shawn and Hailey face times each other and texts each other several times a day. And apparently after the EMA’s they went home together. (November 13, 2017)

Video:

youtube

Another news article November 16, 2017

Our insider added, “A few months ago they were sneaking out of public venues like Delilah while trying to not make a scene and now they have gone on private vacations to Europe. Their relationship has grown and they don’t care if anyone sees them now.”

“Hailey is not one to make things a huge deal, but Shawn worships her,” our source shared. “He is definitely considerate of her busy schedule and her feelings. They are really cute together.”

While things are still very much in the early stages, fans can’t help but wonder if a red carpet debut is in this pair’s future. After all, Shawn is performing at the 2017 American Music Awards this weekend.Until then, those close to the couple appear to be in favor of this new relationship. “Hailey’s friends think Shawn is great because he is ‘chill and relaxed’ and is very supportive of Hailey,” our source shared.

Also on this day they later tweeted this:

November 17, 2017

He posts on instagram story of him singing “isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder and fans were saying it’s for/ about Hailey (video)

November 18, 2017

Sharing the same Hotel room.

A fan ran into Shawn and Hailey outside of their hotel.

November 19, 2017

She wore the same clothes that she was wearing when she was hanging out with Shawn that means she didn’t bring any other clothes. She was in LA only for a night and that night she “hanged out” with shawn🤔

November 23, 2017

Shawn tweeted this. And this is around the time he sent flowers to Hailey, her cousin posted the roses on her instagram story, it was for Hailey’s Birthday which is on 11/22.

Hailey liked Shawn’s tweet about Daniel’s music (below). Daniel makes very very sensual/ romantic songs and Shawn says he’s feeling it on a PHYSICAL level meaning that’s how he’s feeling at the moment. (and later on in the next month in December he and Hailey went to his concert in Toronto together)

November 24, 2017

Hailey tweets lyrics from the song “Can’t Help Falling In Love”

He liked a lot of pictures of her when they were into eachother.

December 2, 2017

Hailey liked (and then unliked) this tweet

And then she tweeted this right after she liked it

A lot of the replies are only about Shawn including: “Yes @haileybaldwin we know that this tweet it’s for @ShawnMendes you can’t hide it, just admit it, you cant with such beauty, welcome to the club hun😂”

December 20, 2017

Shawn and Hailey were caught PDA-ing at a Daniel Caesar's concert at The Danforth Music Hall in Toronto, Canada . They were spotted holding hands and cuddling. In one pic, you can see Hailey resting on Shawn's chest:

December 21, 2017

Hailey was with Shawn when he got his bird tattoo in Toronto.

December 22, 2017

They were hanging out in Tornonto , Canada

**READ MORE UNDER (THIS IS LONG)!!**

December 23, 2017

They went out to dinner together (video)

December 26, 2017

Hailey tweeted (but then deleted): “Always too good to be true”.

December 29, 2017

Hailey tweeted this. Some people think it’s about Shawn getting with another girl and some think it’s about Selena and Justin.

December 31, 2017

2 days later, Shawn’s friend Geoff unfollowed Hailey on instagram. (some also said Andrew also unfollowed Hailey).

- Shawn and Hailey both liked each other’s New Year’’s post.

January 3, 2018

Shawn tweeted: “Back in the studio this month to finish the album... x” You know what that means? inspiration + lyrics = songs about his experience.

January 16, 2018

Hailey follos a Shawn fan account on Twitter.

@shawnwwreports : “Hailey just followed us ”

And later she tweets this which fans believe it’s possibly about Shawn:

February 1, 2018

Shawn tweeted this and ya know damnnnn well who he’s talking about.. HAILEY. Just like his lyrics from his song Particular Taste, “I’m so obsessed with her”. Fans said he deleted it so fast after he tweeted it.

February 19, 2018

Hailey liked a tweet: “You run my mind boy”

February 25, 2018

Hailey liked a tweet: “We’re not in love but I’ll make love to you”.

March 9, 2018

Shawn liked a picture of Hailey on instagram (first liked picture of hers since December 31, 2017) maybe they got into it about their “zone of limbo aka friends with benefits” relationship so maybe the song “Perfectly Wrong” is about her? (about arguing, then having makeup sex..)

[S] Vanity Fair party

Fans say he looked upset after the party some say looks like he was looking for somebody:

April 3, 2018

He also tagged her in this picture lol and fans say it looks like he has a hickey.

She also posted these pictures of Shawn on her tumblr (this is also the last post she ever made)

From her instagram story that day:

May 3, 2018

May 5, 2018

Justin leaves a comment on Shawn’s instagram. This shows Justin knows about him and Hailey and is jealous. It all makes sense since Hailey went back to Justin weeks after this smh.

Hailey dances and sings along to Shawn’s song, “There’s nothing holding me back” in the NYC streets. It was very intentional that her friend was recording her and her friend was like yeah I know you know this song (video)

May 6, 2018

Shawn is obviously tweeting about Hailey. This is a day before their appearance at the Met Gala.

May 7, 2018 - The Met Gala

They were very touchy at the met, there’s chemistry. He was holding onto her waist while she was sitting in his lap. And he couldn’t stop touching her on the red carpet.

Interview before the gala Shawn says this:

(he wrote songs about Hailey on his album)

And Shawn and Hailey posted several pictures on their instagrams

Aww he even gave her his jacket after the met (bitch must’ve been cold)

May 9, 2018 article

May 15, 2018

(video of her instagram story below)

May 18, 2018

She’s wearing Shawn’s merchandise, the “Youth” sweater. Could possibly be one he wore or he gave her her own.

May 20, 2018

- Hailey was with Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun (which started the rumors that she’s getting back with Justin)

- Hailey singing and dances along to Shawn’s performance of “Youth” at the Billboard Music Awards (video)

- And also this day Justin leaves that comment on Hailey’s instagram picture and fans think that meant they started back talking.

This is when it went downhill. It’s obvious Hailey and Justin Bieber started talking again in late May, so this was the end of Shawn and Hailey.

Tune into Part 2 : The End <<click.

#shawn mendes #hailey bieber #hailey baldwin #justin bieber #timeline #shawn and hailey #shailey

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awkward-and-fluffy · 6 years ago

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Important little post for those who are still following me and wondering where I’ve gone...

I’ve obviously lost interest in Tumblr over these past couple of years. I’m not that active here anymore and a lot has been going on in my life anyhow.

If anyone wants to keep up with me on social media, I’m on Twitter the most! And I’ve actually gotten myself comfortable with doing Twitch streams as of May 2018. It feels like a great accomplishment for me to overcome most of my public speech fears through that!

Aside from getting into streaming, I managed to finish enough of my website for it to be hosted! I put a lot of money into that, but it’ll last about 2 years. :’D

Sooo...

My Twitter: https://twitter.com/WolfKat777

My Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/wolfkat7

My Website: https://wolfkatworks.com/

Sometime soon I’ll be able to complete the HTML/CSS tutorial pages for my website, but it wasn’t possible to get it launched ASAP when those pages take the longest to put together. I’m not sure when I can get them done yet, but I hope it’ll be before Tumblr completely crashes and burns... I need my old tutorials on this blog to reference back to for how I organized everything. There are lots of mistakes to fix and new screenshots to take for better lesson examples, etc.

But yeah, a lot’s been going on. I’ve been trying to search for a new job (with no luck yet), managed to reach Affiliate on Twitch by some miracle, various family issues took place, my dad had to get heart surgery, etc.

Before going to a read more, if you don’t quite want to read a big wall of text or are scared of reading any medical topics (I get that), I’ll provide my thanks and more right here.

It’s been awesome to meet all the people I have on here - mostly through Gravity Falls! Writing and replying to theories was such a freakin blast, no matter how ridiculous things would get at times. Granted, I don’t like Tumblr itself as a social media platform and community if I’m brutally honest... However, I still had a little good come from this regardless of my bitterness from my old account before this one.

To you old mutuals of mine, and some of you old pals, keep being awesome! I hope you’re doing well in life; and if not, I hope for things to improve. Fight a good fight, but be careful in picking those fights. Life’s worth living and all that cliche junk that may or may not have much affect on you as motivating advice.

This all goes to my general base of followers too if any of them come across this post. Thank you guys for following this dumb blog and enjoying and sharing so many of my fun posts for Gravity Falls! The show is still super important to me, and my all time favorite cartoon to exist. Whether you sent asks, replied, reblogged, or simply liked, all of that was awesome in its own way. Having discussions on the series is one of the best memories I’ll have on this most often unbearable website! (I hope that doesn’t sound too insulting or generalizing about this site...)

And thank you for anyone who enjoyed the rest of my content here, and bearing with any personal ramblings I may have had on some bad days.

It’d be cool to come across anyone here again in the near future, but at some other online platform. I’ve provided my active links above, so feel free to find me elsewhere if you want.

Goodbye to you all, and have a great rest of 2019 and beyond!

This new year is also already off to a very... Surreal and terrifying start. In case you haven’t already checked my Twitter from the time of this post to see what I wrote there, I got a severe case of my rapid heartrate and ended up hospitalized rather than stuck in Urgent Care on its own. Just 3 weeks ago, I was in UC from a less severe but still terrifying rapid heart rate that woke me up at 5am and wouldn’t calm the heck down.

I know it seems weird to include this following story for my “farewell, Tumblr” post, but I think it’ll help give some interesting record of closure here. I’ve had personal posts and ramblings on this blog about my cardiac terrors and fears. I don’t recall exactly what I’ve written here, but maybe it’d be interesting for me to search for any of those posts again to kinda look back on those thoughts...

It’s been a few years since I’ve had a bad case of rapid heartrate... In fact, I remember writing about that experience back then here on my blog too. I was put on a heart monitor for only 3 days and yeah. Of course 3 days wasn’t enough to catch anything significant... So my heart issue was still freakin shrouded in mystery and only ever connected to my anxiety/panic disorder.

Welp, I was put on a heart monitor again just last week and I requested for it to last 30 days. Lo and behold, about 8 days later, my most severe case occurred and my monitor recorded a 250bpm max rate... This monitor is linked to cellular wifi thankfully, so the company got alerted of it and called my local UC to take me in and then called the house for my mom to answer and help drive me there. (Some moments before leaving home, my heartrate went back down to the 140′s or so, but still really bad and wouldn’t return to normal.)

In UC, I had to get X-Rays as well, but I have no idea what they found from ‘em? I wasn’t really told what they resulted with... I’ll have to ask sometime.

However, with everything going on and not even medication getting my heartrate back to normal, I was moved into a hospital shortly after my stay in UC. That was my first time ever being in an ambulance.

At the hospital, I got more blood tests done, more EKGs, all that stuff. There was also talk of me needing a uh... An ablation procedure. Then later that night, a cardiologist visited me and explained that I FINALLY got a confirmation on my issue. I’ve waited 10 years for answers on why my heart would be like this... Ugh. I’m relieved, but also frustrated it took that long to figure it out, y’know?

At this point, I didn’t have the name of the condition, but I was feeling more at peace when the cardiologist mentioned this condition isn’t life-threatening and doesn’t increase my risks of heart disease. The most common issue of it is how disruptive it is, and some other symptoms it can induce (dizziness,fatigue, etc.) Gosh, that cleared away so many worries and questions I had throughout these years.

But yeah, it’s something that people are just born with and it causes a faulty circuit or two in the heart giving it weird signals at times. Stuff like that. Those with the condition have a chance to never have symptoms of it, while others start showing symptoms between 11 - 50 years old. Mine started showing when I was 13, so that was... Great.

The only way to most likely treat it, is through an ablation... And that’s where things get really scary. I’ve always had nightmares about needing heart surgery, or my heart getting shot by bullets, etc. Like, that’s how bad I felt from never knowing what’s wrong with my vital organ.

My other option was medication, but it wouldn’t be guaranteed to help by itself. Afterall, I’ve had a few times in UC throughout my life where these meds didn’t help much if at all. They also figured it’d be good to get this procedure done the earlier the better, since it can be much more complicated if I were to have it done at an older age.

-big siiigh- After spending my first night there, yep, I’ve had that done. I don’t want to describe it ‘cause it was a terrifying experience, but I hope it helps in the end. I indeed had a faulty circuit they found, and they uh... Did what had to be done.

After I was sent back to my room, the cadiologist returned and gave me the name of my condition. Of ALL THINGS, it’s “Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome” or “WPW Syndrome” for short. Despite all the straight-up trauma I’ve had, I guess in a way I can kinda thank God for the bit of humor?? (For context, I developed an interest in wolves and werewolves during my teens and loving them about as much as cats...)

I was keeping my closest friends up to date on this through my phone during all this too. I kinda knew what I’d get myself into when revealing the name of my diagnosis to them... But the friendly teasing (such as “wow, so you DO have a wolf’s heart!”) cheered me up. I’m just really thankful for my friends for keeping me company even if only possible through online chat. And despite my conflicts with my mom, she stayed by me and helped me, spending nights in the hospital with me and all that stuff. I would’ve been so much more terrified and - errgh, for lack of better words - heart broken. Being all alone without someone I know being nearby during these types of things, regardless of how much I like being alone, is stressful. I would’ve otherwise only had doctors and nurses, but they’d come in and out and not always be in the room.

So, my heart needs to adjust to this, and the recovery is a little scary at times too. I’m pulling through the best I can, using guidance from my doctors. They had me stay one more night, and as of yesterday, I’ve been able to return home. Gotta spend a week relaxing and healing up, keeping up with certain medications to help, and so on.

With all that said, and for those who read this entire mess of a thing, see you all elsewhere!

#fluffy rambles #fluffy speaks #final post

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thedogsled · 7 years ago

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Hey, from a Supercorp (and former/still Clexa) shipper to a Destiel shipper I want to thank you for your maturity. As is the nature of fandoms, the bigger it gets, the more likely there's going to be rude people out there. I read your post about Destiel vs Supercorp and overall rep in media and while I will disagree with you on some points, I respect how you've managed to stay mature. We both know the pain of a noncanon ship and 1 day I hope Destiel becomes canon for you guys :)

It’s definitely a thing - and something I’ve discussed on here with others - that the bigger you get, the more bad apples you will get and the louder - united - they seem to be. I’ve been in small fandoms where That One Person is notorious among the two hundred or so of us, and big fandoms like SPN where it can tear the fandom apart like continental drift (either slowly so that you wouldn’t notice, or violent and explosive so that the people nearest the split get seriously hurt).

I figure that with a post like that there’s bound to be things people disagree with. I can only voice frustration that tumblr doesn’t have a function to discuss those points, because I’m curious and I always feel like discussions like this have to be a conversation, just based on the fact that - as a friend remarked recently - we all exist inside our bubbles, and the only way to see the point of view of others, from their bubbles, is to discuss it among ourselves. I wrote my post from inside my bubble, which is all very well, but as I say, I also have the clarity to see that things are going to look different from inside my bubble than they do to other people looking out from theirs. The positive and negative influences and circumstances of our lives change our perspective, and a different perspective never trumps or invalidates another one. I find, especially on tumblr, that it’s important to engage with and get to know other people’s perspectives, so that mutually we can make things better together.

So as I say - and mentioned in the post - I was quite prepared to admit that it was written from my heart, about my perspective, and that was okay. I’m blessed that parts of it have resonated with other people, and I’ve had some lovely messages about it in my inbox this morning talking about what hearing some of those things meant to other people.

As for the vote: I hugely appreciated the passion and generosity of the Supercorp fans I spoke to here and on Twitter last week, and wanted to make sure to reflect that back. It’s how we act when we’re in the spotlight of other fandoms which represents us when we’re not looking. Because of those bad apples, if you want to make a good impression - and I do - you have to try extra hard to present yourself maturely and be respectful. I’m glad that that came across, because it did from you guys. Thank you so much for that.

P.S. I feel like I should admit that I feel an extra resonation with Supercorp because yes, everything I’ve read about your ship and its treatment by showrunners and other fans the last few days has reminded me of Destiel, but also because once upon a time I was a Clark Kent/Lex Luthor fan (on Smallville, mostly). Despite obvious chemistry, that friendship was doomed from the beginning, and it was a very different sort of show to watch because of that. I remember yearning to see them on screen together, and Lex’ final conversation with Clark in the finale, the emotional resonance as Lex pushed Clark to become the hero he was meant to be, so that he could be the villain he was supposed to be. God, it was intense.

I’ve only seen Season 1 of Supergirl so far, since I’m waiting to find the second on DVD so I can watch it with my mom. That means I haven’t met this iteration of Lena, but I absolutely love Katie from her time on Merlin, and I’m looking forward to meeting another Luthor. I only know what I’ve seen in gifs (beautiful, beautiful gifs) and read online, and I don’t know where the storyline takes Lena in the show so far, or where it will take her.

What I do know, just from my experience with Smallville and Supernatural, is that you can’t fight chemistry. It’s electric, and showrunners would be fool not to take advantage of it. Appreciate your ship for all it is every day, and for the community it gives you. Come together and write all the fic, draw art, share fun nights out with other fans. Being canon isn’t the be-all-and-end-all. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but honestly my optimism about Destiel is very new. Before it sparked back off again recently, that was how I tried to think about it - that no matter where canon led, I would always appreciate the relationship I’d seen on screen, the chemistry, and every scene they had together, and what that experience and my interactions with other fans has meant to me. That - based on my experience with Clex (and in a small way Merlin and other shows like it) - it never goes away. I can pick up my DVDs of Smallville and enjoy the spark they have on screen any time I like, or read fanfic, or talk to other people who shared fandoms with me decades ago. That passion, the things which united us, stay with us, so make it as good an experience as you can.

I hope your ship goes canon too. I hope mine does. I’m rooting for you guys, at the very least, to get some measure of respect from your showrunners. And I hugely appreciate all the well wishes. I’m rooting for you guys! Keep on fighting!

(This got way longer than I expected it to, whoops. I am just full of love this morning.)

#supercorp #destiel #shipping #zimbio #dogsled replies #god seriously everyone was so nice last night #fandom

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godzillamendoza · 7 years ago

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Leaving Behind 2017 - Relationships are haaaarrrrdddd

So much to some people’s surprise I’m sure, I’ve been with a couple girls this past year. Like real ones, not those ones that holographically project themselves over prostitutes that you can install in your ceiling. (does anyone get that joke? No one saw that movie but me, right?) Ah jeez.

Gotta learn to quit automatically deflecting with humor when something stressful comes up. Gahh! This is a healing/learning experience.

Okay, so context is important. I know all of this is stuff from before 2017, but it leads into how this year went so its important to cover: in 2015 I had my first girlfriend, whom I shall not refer to by name. She and I dated on and off for about 5 months and it was the first real relationship I had been in. We started dating after I told her no 2 times. The third time she asked me to be her boyfriend, her friend was there and they sort of pressured me into it so I just went with it. Then I had my first kiss with a crowd of her friends standing around me, watching to make sure I followed through on the day after. The majority of our conversations were through text or skype, even though we went to the same school. She was just too busy to ever hang out with me outside of school. She was often jealous of me talking to other girls, she mocked me constantly and called all my hobbies “nerd shit” and rolled her eyes at me when I said I didn’t want to smoke weed with her. Then she told me she’d be hanging out with a guy named Patrick at her house after she met him over snapchat. I was obviously a little worried about it and she told me I was being controlling and needed to back off, so I did. Then a week later I tracked down Patrick and confronted him, asking why she was suddenly so cold and distant. He bragged to me about how good of a time they had together and how she complained about me constantly. He said the sentence “she’ll be mine by the end of the week.” Being cheated on by your first girlfriend in addition to some emotional abuse and being kept at a distance constantly... well all of it is like a perfect storm of PROBLEMS that you’ll have to deal with later. We broke up after I told her that I knew what they did, though it was like 2 weeks later because I was naive and forgiving at first. She’s dated around 5-7 people since that venture ended 2 years ago, so clearly she learned a lot from it. She also offered to go out with my again while she was dating another guy, which caused me to... well let’s just say I wrote a very long, very mean spirited message that I don’t regret.

Naturally, after all that, my self esteem was subterranean. I had a lot of image problems due to her comments on my appearance. I had severe trust issues with... well pretty much everyone. I had problems liking myself and I just needed outlets to focus on while I was lost. So I started making more videos on comic book stuff. While I was dating this girl I made a short video essay/editorial thing on my thoughts for casting Spider-Man in the Marvel cinematic universe. She was quick to dismiss it, but I felt like it was the first thing on YT that I was truly proud of and I wanted to make more. After we broke up I did that video about Spider-Man videogames you might have seen once or twice. It currently has over 400 THOUSAND views. I owe it to this girl I suppose, she made me so miserable that I accidentally became a z-list internet celebrity to take my mind off being miserable. It didn’t exactly fix my emotional issues, but it was a coping method that was better than becoming a meth addict or something.

--so on to 2017. This was the year where I started dating again. Obviously I would still have a lot of baggage after that first girl and everything that happened with her. I met a rather mousy girl in high school who I’ll refer to as... uh... how about Sandra? That’s extremely far off from her real name. Sandra. Well anyway, I met Sandra in high school and we kinda became friends. I wasn’t all that attracted to her physically. I’m still not. She’s not ugly, nor is it a shallowness thing, she’s just not really my type. I’m not the guy to just “take whatever I can get.” So it was a difficult decision when she told me how utterly heartbroken she was when she had no date to prom. I figured it would give me a good excuse to go to the prom and I would be making someone else happy, so I took her. And from that point forward she became rather infatuated with me and I made the hideous mistake of “just going with it” so I didn’t hurt her feelings. I tried my damnedest to find things to like about her as a girlfriend, but we were really a pretty bad fit. Plus, we had this sort of non-commital and strange relationship where we didn’t consider ourselves a couple, but still ended up holding hands or hanging out outside of school a lot. Sandra had never dated anyone before and I was a trainwreck because of the girl from 2015, so it was this stilted and halfhearted attempt at romance.

She wrote me a letter once, confessing her feelings about me and the way she thought of me at night. She was too nervous to give it to me in person, and had a mutual friend deliver the note. It was full of grammatical and spelling errors, and her handwriting lacked something to be desired. I was both honored... and slightly put off by it. She was 18 years old, with her own car and a paying job, but her methods of going after this relationship reminded me of the silly things I did in 5th grade. I guess that’s when I realized that I couldn’t keep leading her on and that it wasn’t really meant to be. I was looking for something a little more serious and age appropriate, but she still couldn’t handle something like that and I didn’t really feel for her how she felt for me. So I... just couldn’t figure out what to tell her. I ended up using graduation as a means to distance myself. We were moving off to different colleges with different goals and ambitions. I felt guilt for a long time for just brushing her off without saying anything beyond “I’m not really at a good place for a relationship right now, mentally.” Which was the truth, but I felt like I could have said more. We’ll put a pin in the story of Sandra for the time being, because it has a more clear resolution later.

Shortly before graduation, I received a piece of fan art on twitter that was truly special. It was probably one of the most accurate and detailed pictures of me anyone had ever drawn. Whoever did it clearly spent a lot of time staring at my old mug to make it happen and I was really impressed with it. I showed it to my classmates to not-so-humbly brag about my following online (come on, I had to be excited about something SOMETIMES, its not like I did it more than that one time). Then to my surprise I saw that there was a particularly pretty girl in the profile picture of the person that sent me this piece of fan art. I think my female audience is kind of small, so I was really happy to see one of them sending fan art and kind words. Plus I thought she was cute.

I sent her a DM on twitter saying that I thought it was really cool and probably one of my favorite pieces of fan art ever, she responded and we just kind of started talking from there. The more I learned about her, the more I liked her. We had a SCARY amount of things in common. Like, favorite comics, movies, books. We shared a similar sense of humor, we had the same extremely jaded reaction to fictional violence and laughed while looking at covers of “Crossed” together. We even took the same type of antidepressant medication. I fell for her really quickly, probably in the first 15 minutes of what would be a 9 hour conversation. Of course our mutual insomnia kept us from caring about sleep and we just kept talking and sharing stories and pictures of cosplay. I felt like I had never felt before. For the sake of protecting her identity, let’s say her name is uh... Lila. Sure, some of you internet detectives might be able to find out her real name, but I ask you... please don’t harass her or ask her about any of this. Respect her privacy, respect her decisions, and respect her in general.

So, Lila and I made an amazing match it seemed. She made me feel... like I had been found after being lost again. Part of me resigned to this notion that I’d never meet a girl who I had things in common with. Maybe I’d live my life with my interests and dreams being silly to the women I spent my time with, or worse, boring. Lila treated me like the things that I did and talked about were interesting. She thought I was cool. It helped undo a lot of self loathing just talking to her for that first 3 days. I was walking with a spring in my step at school for the final few days, I was singing in my choir class instead of just lip syncing, I was acting like I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, because at least she thought I was interesting, and that was all I needed. In a way, just meeting her was what I needed to get over a lot of pain, and I’ll always be thankful for her giving that to me. We didn’t have to be in a relationship, I just needed the validation of knowing girls like her existed. She stayed up until 4 Am with me on school nights, talking with me through text or skype helping me stay awake to finish studying for my geography test. We spent hours just talking about our lives and what we thought of the world. We shared our experiences battling depression. Eventually she told me that I made her happy when nothing else could and I said the same. In almost a week it felt like we knew each other for a life-time. So at 3 AM one night I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. The problem with that was... she lived in a different country.

I never really considered that part until after it was too late. Long distance relationships have always seemed like a huge gamble to me, but I was willing to risk it for Lila. And for about a month, it was working REALLY well. We would watch movies together on skype, share ideas for cosplays, and just chat until the sun came up every night. She even helped me bake apology cupcakes for my mom at 5 AM after I carved a spider logo into the kitchen table on accident. I was feeling freaked out because I felt genuinely happy for the first time in two years and I was just waiting for some anvil to fall on me and everything to be ruined. But the distance and our age became a problem. We were both at the very end of high school, just about to go to college and unsure of where life would go. She mentioned that she was thinking about traveling abroad to go to college. I had a conversation about it with my mom and BOY did she take it far immediately. “Ask her to go to your college! She could move in with us! We have the room now! You could drive her to school every day and eventually get your own place and get married and have kids and blah blah blah blah...”

My mother was just excited. She’s also been going through relationship problems too in the last year, and was just living vicariously through me. My mom wanted something to be stable and long lasting and fun, but she didn’t realize that it was too early to ask Lila for these things... and I... like a complete idiot... asked Lila if she wanted to go to college with me and live in America with me. I pretty much asked her to move in with me after knowing her for 6 weeks. She still had a lot to learn about me, and vice versa. We were worlds apart and it would have been a huge step if she only lived down the street, let alone in a different country. I shouldn’t have asked, and I ESPECIALLY, shouldn’t have asked more than once. I still feel like an idiot for it to this day and it was nearly 6 months ago. Then things started getting worse, mostly due to my previous relationships bleeding into my actions.

The girl I dated in 2015 cheated on me because I was so hesitant to be physically intimate with her. That creates a lot of doubt and shame, so I started asking Lila how she felt about that sort of thing if we were to meet in person one day. She became uncomfortable with the subject and I very awkwardly tried to steer the conversation away from it. Then a message meant for someone else accidentally got sent to her without context that SEVERELY damaged the situation. When being asked about the price of something by a friend, I sent back a number, which went to Lila and without context “... about 8.50″ looks VERY... weird? Maybe even kinda threatening if you misconstrue it the right way? I looked like the biggest creep/moron! So I tanked that 4 AM conversation pretty hard, and then listened to some very, very poor advice from a friend who said “just try to be casual with her about that stuff.” Because of my internal fears of her being bored with me if things didn’t get hot and heavy now and then, I started awkwardly making more casual references and jokes regarding sex over the following two days. It made her uncomfortable, and she kept quiet about it, so I kept doing it until I just couldn’t anymore. I had to tell her that I didn’t like it either and that I was doing it because I was worried she’d end up getting tired of a relationship where it wasn’t a factor. I held her to the same standards as the girl from 2015, and it was unfair. She wouldn’t cheat on me if I didn’t bring up intimacy constantly, and I was stupid for thinking she might. I won’t make excuses, but I will say why I did that. And I know I learned from it and won’t do that ever again. That made things a little more tense and over time, we started having other issues as well.

Lila made an off handed reference to some passage of her diary she wrote about me in the last few days we talked. The thing she said concerned me, as it didn’t sound positive at all. I pressed her on it because I was worried it was just several pages of her listing off the things she hated about me. Eventually she broke and read it off, and it was just several pages of her listing off the things she hated about me. She disliked my dress sense and hated my clothes, she thought the way I ate food was stupid looking(???) she felt weird about dating me for my RACE, because apparently she didn’t talk to many white guys except me. She spent hours of her personal time writing about superficial things about me that she didn’t like, and thus my self image problem had returned and I didn’t wear button up shirts for 4 months. I asked her if there was anything she DID like about me, and after a long time of struggling to find something to say, she said she liked my sense of humor and that I was nice to her. Which are... kinda general reasons to like someone? Like, non-specific and sort of forced. Then over the next few weeks she started insulting me a lot more. She developed a habit of casually calling me a... derogatory term for homosexual... (not sure what twitter’s policy is on cussing and slurs, currently so I don’t want to say it) and saying hurtful things randomly. I figured it was time to accept that the honeymoon phase was over and that she didn’t like me nearly as much as she initially thought. She didn’t like me nearly as much as I liked her. Then the final straw happened.

Being in a relationship with someone so far away can be stressful, because your ability to speak to them is entirely dependent on the use of the internet and all its various outlets. If she were to just decide one day she didn’t like using Facebook messenger anymore and delete it, I wouldn’t be able to speak with Lila through it unless I used something else. So when she casually deleted messenger one day, I just... couldn’t hear from her anymore. She never told me she was going to do it, so all of my messages to her on the first day went to no one. I decided to give her some space and assumed she just didn’t feel like talking. By day 5 I was a nervous wreck and assumed she died and had no idea where she was or what happened to her. I was losing sleep over it, my friend was checking police reports in her area, I messaged her on twitter asking if she was okay. I got no response and felt so scared. Eventually, my friend Damian messaged her on twitter myself and she responded in a few short hours, just saying she forgot to tell me about it and resumed talking to me on twitter like nothing happened. All that worry and anxiety turned to anger really quickly, because she was either trying to break up with me in an indirect way by ignoring me, or she was just being inconsiderate and actually forgot to tell me our main means of communication was going away for no specific reason. I didn’t resent her, but I was upset.

This caused me to think long and hard about the relationship and how it was doing after those short few months. We both made mistakes. I got way ahead of myself and was asking about very serious steps way too early, I let my distrust of people guide my decision to act like someone I wasn’t to keep her interest because of past experiences, and she undermined a lot of my self confidence and said some very toxic things. I wasn’t quite ready for a long distance relationship and I was still hung up on bad things from my past. She hadn’t dated anyone before and wasn’t really ready to commit, nor did she have much interest in it. We agreed that going back to being friends was better, before we started to hate each other. And of course, we talked less and less in the following weeks until not at all. We haven’t spoken in a few months now, and looking back I’m not proud of my actions or hers. I think in another life, another time, after we both did a lot of growing up, we might have made a really great team. As I said before, I’m still very thankful to have met her. I think just meeting her gave me a lot of hope and confidence that even she couldn’t really ever take away. I know now that I have a chance at meeting someone who doesn’t look at me like an alien. I know now that I can’t be distrustful and hold everyone to the same standard as people. I know now that if I were to try dating again, there are a lot of bad choices that I’d avoid (definitely wouldn’t be so damn clingy, ew). And I know now that the girl from 2015 isn’t the only girl on Earth who will be interested in me, I just have to look for another one. As for “Sandra,” I texted her midway through this last semester telling her that I felt guilty about the way things quietly drifted off, and we met up a few weeks before thanksgiving break. That night we tried one more time, going to a restaurant with no open seats and a 2 hour waiting time. She said she wasn’t hungry and we went back to her place where she had no food so I remained starving for that night. Her parents weren’t home, and we... spent the rest of the night looking at vacation photos on her phone. It was clear that the magic just wasn’t there, and I told her before I left that I appreciated her giving me the opportunity to tell her that it just wasn’t meant to be. She had no interest in the things I liked, and while I could see that she tried to like those things too, her heart wasn’t in it. So we ended things amicably like we should have months before. I was proud with how I handled it, and I felt as if though I was finally an adult when it came to my relationships.

I don’t need another person to like me in order to validate my existence. I don’t need to have everyone in the world think I’m awesome. I don’t need to rely on someone constantly to maintain my self confidence and my image. I don’t need to date someone to avoid feeling lonely, because you can be just as lonely in a relationship as you are out of one. I don’t need to say and do things untrue to myself to keep someone interested in me, because if they lost interest when I act like myself, they aren’t worth my time. I don’t need to date someone to feel complete. I don’t need to date someone just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings by turning them down. If you’re feeling alone lately and having a hard time getting into a relationship, just remember you don’t need any of that. There’s always someone out there for you, and your interests don’t make you completely alone, even if it feels like there’s no one else in the world that shares them. Being into “nerd shit” doesn’t guarantee that you can’t find someone to love and care about, and even if someone loves the same stuff as you, it might not work out anyway and that’s perfectly fine. Just remember that the only person you need to believe in you is you and no one else can fix you but you. Try to find someone after you have all that stuff sorted out or you’ll just end up getting hurt again.

In all reality, I don’t need a girlfriend at all, but I’d still like one because the company is nice. There’s a girl out there for me, and I’m going to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I’m going to leave behind the baggage and tragedies that lie behind me. Who knows, maybe going into 2018, I’ll get to meet her. Let’s hope so.

#relationships #story

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missingteethblog · 5 years ago

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04/23/2020 - 20:50

The past few days have been really overwhelming, and also I forgot/didn’t have the motivation to write anything so here we are.

4/20 was great, the high wasn’t as terrifying as the last time, and during my high I apparently made the conclusion that I was in fact bi instead of gay and I wrote a whole note on my notes app about liking women as well as who I’m normally attracted to. When I read it (sober) in the morning I just thought “huh, well I’m not bi. what “ yeah it was a journey. Otherwise very chill night, very glad I wasn’t working the next day. I honestly don’t remember anything else from that day, or Monday and Tuesday for that matter. Wednesday was a shit show though.

Wednesday started off pretty okay, went to work and got scoffed at by a manager form another dept for literally no reason so that was great, make me anxious for the rest of the entire day. It was also my dad’ birthday, and I decorated the cake (sister saw I was decorating it, asked if she could just go and I said yes because I was almost done) and later that day my mom came upstairs and told us to do something more with the cake and I thought “well, I already did my part, my sister can do the rest” and by mom decided that me and my sister were arguing (she wanted me to help even though I literally did the majority of the cake) and so she started yelling at us for it which sent me into an anxiety attack (which my mom calls “shutting down”). When she told me that I needed to “snap out of it” and that I would “ruin dad’s birthday if I acted like this for the rest of the night” I just kind of snapped and told her that every single time I have “shut down” that I had been having an anxiety attack. Which made her stop calling it that (as she had been calling it that since I started having these episodes as a child. Anyways that was shit. That was ass. Cried about it for a little bit before vaping and feeling better.

At NIGHT though, that’s when the “fun” began. I had to go to bed at 11pm (went to bed at 11:45 instead lmao) and instead of falling asleep, my brain decided to fixate on every single extremely graphic detail about everything I did while self harming, especially two particular incidents (tw graphic next part) where 1) I cut out a chunk of my flesh from the crook of my elbow which makes it impossible to get blood drawn from that arm anymore so it’s pretty bad and 2) when I cut really deep in my left forearm down past the veins (through, actually) down into the fat, and remembered (very graphically) sitting on my floor around all my stuff just squeezing around the cut so I could see the fat coming out of the cut. (tw over) Both of these disgusted my to the point where I could not fall asleep because of how awful and revolted I felt, because when you’re in that mindset (while using the coping mechanism) you don’t understand how fucked up and awful and disturbing the behaviour is until you look back on it once you’re out of that mindset (not using the coping mechanism anymore). That went on for about 2 hours before I checked my phone for the time and saw that Crywank was doing a livestream, so because I’m a faggot I watched it and they (James) responded to 4 of my comments and they were so sweet and the livestream was so good and calm (I watched it until it ended around 2:30am), and because they had interacted with 4 of my comments, and I (+ the people watching the stream) learned some things about When You Eat Yourself First Start with Your Head up Your Arse (that I won’t write about) and about them in general and it was so good I felt so much better afterward. Still didn’t fall asleep until 3:30am but I fell asleep on a much better note than very very graphic trauma. :)

Today was also shit. Got told my the meat dept manager that I wasn’t doing my job right (I was doing exactly as he told me to do) to which he corrected me by telling me to do exactly what I had been doing BEFORE he corrected me (about a month ago when I first started working as acting supervisor) which was incredibly frustrating. He seems to be pissed at me for zero reason. He also told me that I either had to come in earlier or stay at work later so that I can get the frozen and fresh loads and put them out. Earlier: the store opens at 7am, I get there at 8am and open and do everything and people are buying things from my dept, I cannot feasibly come in later than 8am. Later: believe it or not, I’m trying to graduate school during fucking quarantine right now and can’t put all my energy into work (which I am doing anyways!). So his response? To get passive aggressive with me and told one of his employees that she had to do my job since I can’t stay later than I’m scheduled. If you want me to behave like an actual supervisor, then I need to be paid the supervisor’s wage instead of my minimum wage. Bruh. I have also been working there for 3 months and am the only competent person working my dept right now. Anyways, that shit got me riled up and upset.

Later that afternoon I had a really long and deep conversation with my best friend (mostly me talking, which is abnormal). We talked about gender, the trans community, Crywank (me), what had happened on Wednesday night (me), weird nazi foot fetish porn that she found on pornhub, me simping for James (Crywank) like a faggot (which included me admitting that, since we have things in common that are kind of rare to find in other people, if we were closer in age )(they’re 12 years older than me) that we would definitely be at least mutuals I guess), my sex-repulsion and lack of sex drive, and our shared fetish. It was really nice, I definitely needed it because I felt a lot better afterwards. I don’t normally talk about myself and my problems because it makes me feel extremely self-centered and selfish (both of which are actual triggers of mine), but today I had a LOT of things I needed to talk about, so I talked about them and it was really relieving.

Also figured out a quarantine project: I’m going to put all the Crywank albums on cassettes (I messaged them on twitter and they said that it was alright) and I’m really excited to do that!! Really looking forward to it. They’re also doing a livestream concert on Saturday and I’m really really really looking forward to it! :))

Currently listening to Cough Blood On The Moon Soon by Foot Ox.

#frog posts #updates

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wordsformendes · 7 years ago

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And I'll Still be a Fool

Requested: “can you write an imagine based on the song just a little bit of your heart by ariana? :) love your writing by the way!”

A/N: So I said a while ago that I enjoy writing imagines based on songs and/or poems and things of that sort. So my next upcoming imagines will probably all be requested songs that you guys sent me! I might do a part 2 for this one but idk. Let me know y'all

I don’t feel the need to know who you’re with

Roses were always your favorite no matter how cliche it was. The petals were soft yet depending on the rose, sometimes they had thorns on the stem. Thorns that could make you bleed the same way love did. You normally hated poetry, and romantic comparisons or things of that sort, but the fact that roses were so beautiful yet sometimes so painful to touch, the same way love was, it was just interesting to you. And somehow someone knew this. Someone knew you liked roses, someone knew you enjoyed the sunset colored ones with the petals you’d rub your thumb against. For the past few months or so someone had been sending you roses every couple weesk. One week it was a huge bouquet of orangey pink petals with a note hidden behind the thorns that you always thought would say something but it never did. Usually just a heart would be drawn on the tiny piece of paper, and occasionally there’d be numbers written on the note, but you never know what it meant. They were long numbers usually, with no spaces in between. You thought this secret admirer of yours was sweet at first and you had kept some of the flowers in vases, but you tended to get tired of it considering they wouldn’t tell you who they were. Your friends had told you it was probably an old friend from high school, and that just irritated you even more. Either way it wouldn’t matter anyway because your heart was already taken.

A close friend of yours had mutual friends with someone who somehow ended up introducing you to Shawn Mendes, and you immediately fell in love just like the rest of the world did whenever they heard his voice. You felt a little pathetic for succumbing to the worlds way of falling for the same guy every other girl had fallen for, but you couldn’t help it. You understood easily why everyone drooled over him. It didn’t matter anyway, he seemed to be preoccupied with his music or other girls which was understandable. You had surprisingly talked to him often, snapchatting and texting small talk. He was a friend, and you hated it. You wanted to be more than friends. You tried not to flirt a lot, you never asked him about his past girlfriends, and you tried not to talk too much about where he went on those lonely Friday nights at 3am after an award show or something. You secretly cared and you always wished he’d come to you whenever he was looking for a little extra attention on those nights, but he never did. You figured because of the fact that you didn’t talk to him about those things, maybe he would like you, maybe he’d seem excited about the fact that he was talking to a girl who didn’t only care about how good he was in bed, or how much money he was making. You assumed most girls only cared about those things, but you didn’t. And you tried your hardest to make it appear that way, and you tried hard to show that you cared for him. But apparently he wasn’t getting that message, and it continued to break your heart, so you-not even caring anymore at this point- threw away another bouquet of roses that you wished were from Shawn.

Just a little bit of your heart, is all I want

“Yeah, they’re all freaking out because I haven’t posted a picture or anything, it’s kinda funny.” Shawn laughed lightly as he told you about his new tattoo that his fans felt teased by since he hadn’t posted about it. He was right about his fans, and you remember seeing plenty of comments and tweets talking about how much of a tease Shawn was. It was all true, and you wished it wasn’t. There were so many times you wondered if Shawn was flirting with you, and he’d give you tiny bits of what it was like to be with him, only to rip it away from you by taking two days to respond to a simple text, or not talking to you with the same tone. He really was a tease and it drove you crazy. You were currently wrapped up in your thoughts as you looked out the window next to you, watching the busy lives of strangers on the street. You wondered who else was going through what you felt, who else had such strong feelings for someone who didn’t feel the same. The day had taken an unexpected turn and you ended up walking into this fancy restaurant for dinner after work because you felt like you deserved it. It was the weekend after all so why not? You had posted about it on Twitter or something and almost two minutes later Shawn favorited your tweet, and texted you saying he was in that area. So here he was now, sitting across from you with food in front of him. You wanted to call this a date, but of course you didn’t and you assumed it was just a friendly dinner with a good friend. That’s what adults do all the time right? He was chewing on his finger, and that button up dress shirt he was wearing complimented his hazel eyes, along with those curls of his that needed to be cut. You scratched the back of your neck and forced yourself to stop looking at him and to finish your food.

“You okay? Do you not like your food? You can have some of mine if you want or something.” He caught you off guard and his voice melted in you ears like honey being poured into a sweet cup of tea.

“Oh no, I’m fine. I like my food, I’m okay! Thank you though.” You smiled at his kindness to share with you and you shoved some more of your food into your mouth. You really did like what was on your plate, you just found yourself struggling to concentrate on anything when Shawn Mendes was sitting in front of you. You don’t remember being so flustered just by being with him. You’ve been friends with him for some time now and you had talked to him millions of times without getting this nervous. Your feelings were blooming like flowers in the spring, and you wished so badly you could reach across the table to grab him. Grab his face, and kiss him. Grab his chest, to feel his heartbeat. The insides of his heart were most likely just as beautiful as his face. You knew him, and you knew his personality was amazing but you didn’t know him enough, and all you wanted was just even a tiny piece of his heart to learn about. What does he think about when he can’t sleep? Who does he think about the most? His family? His friends? His fans? Himself? Another girl? You chewed on your now cold food and continued to wonder these things, and think these thoughts as he kept talking about who knows what now. You weren’t even listening anymore.

I heard a little love, is better than none

Wind blew around your hair as you walked up to your house, and right as you placed your foot on the step to your door, you almost completely crushed a single rose with your shoe. If you didn’t love flowers so much you wouldn’t have stopped yourself and you would’ve stomped all over the damn rose until it was in pieces. Although you were head over heels for someone else, it was still a little sweet to you that this other stranger was still sending you flowers. But today, you were going to end it. You picked up the rose and walked into your house, placing it on the kitchen table. You pulled out your phone and went to Twitter, you figured this secret admirer of yours was following you ( or so you hoped ) so why not post about this, and ask them to stop sending you roses? You started typing but from the corner of your eye, something caught your attention. You hadn’t even noticed before but there was a small note attached to the stem of the rose like usual, but this time it wasn’t just a heart or some numbers. There were actual words written on the small piece of paper. You almost dropped your phone, picking up the note and tearing it off the little string tied around the stem.

“Don’t forget me, and I won’t forget you.” 6317

What the hell is that supposed to mean?? Next to the one sentence there were numbers written. No lines, no dashes. You re read the sentence and stared at the number trying to figure out what kind of game this person was playing. You looked at the numbers one more time before realizing what the date was today. It was June 4th, 2017, and yesterday was June 3rd. 6/3/17 was yesterday. Right? The numbers had to be a date, what else could it be? You were confused and frustrated either way, so you decided to finish your tweet.

“If you’re sending me roses, please either tell me who you are or just stop. Its very nice of you, but this game is getting tiring.”

You hit send and the tweet was officially posted to everyone. You hung the note on your fridge, hoping maybe you could eventually tell who’s hand writing it was. It was sloppy cursive, that you could barely read at first. You didn’t know anyone who wrote like that, did you? You tried to forget about it and see if anyone responded to your tweet. You figured you’d wait to see if you received anymore roses this week or the next. So you ended your day by placing that red rose into a vase near your window, admiring it as much as your secret admirer admired you.

And I’ll still be a fool for you

The sun woke you, as you turned over to get more comfortable, your bed was always your favorite place to be. But now the sun was keeping you awake and so you reached to your nightstand grabbing your phone, to do the daily social media check. You scrolled through Instagram, Snapchat, and finally Twitter. You scrolled through people tweeting about Shawn’s upcoming tour which saddened you a little to know that he was going to be leaving soon. You guessed it didn’t really matter anyway though right? Without even thinking about it you clicked on Shawn’s Twitter account, just to see what he was up to. He hasn’t texted you or talked to you since you two had lunch the other day. You scrolled down, to see his most recent tweet and you almost dropped your phone on your face.

“Don’t forget me, and I won’t forget you.”

He literally tweeted the same thing that was written on your note. You sat up and rubbed your eyes, looking at the tweet again. People tweeted him back asking him if that was a new song lyric or something and you just sat there, eyes wide. The stranger sending you roses couldn’t have been Shawn, there was no way. Maybe he just found the same quote your secret admirer found. Your brain was tired but you slowly were trying to put the pieces together. And so you ran down stairs to the trash can in the kitchen looking for more notes with numbers on them. After digging through mini pizza boxes and used tissues, you pulled out two notes from several weeks back. One note had the numbers 52217. May 22nd 2017. May 22nd, was the day Shawn came over to play you an idea he had for a song. You remember this because you pretty much marked in your calendar whenever you spent time with him, but if you were so in love with him how could you be so blind? The other note you found read the numbers 43017. April 30th 2017.. What happened April 30th? You pulled out your phone and looked at your calendar to see if there were any events marked, and of course there was. April 30th was one of Shawn’s shows you attended, and you brought him roses, you were starting to remember now because he used the roses to give out to some fans after the show, and you thought it was so sweet, you weren’t even angry that he got rid of your roses. Roses.

Reality was hitting you hard, and it all made sense now. Shawn had remembered these days just like you did. It was Saturday morning, 8am and Shawn was probably already on his plane to who knows where, you couldn’t even remember where his tour was starting. You texted him a couple times and called, but there was no reply. You stared at the notes on the table in front of you wondering how you were going to handle this. This whole time you thought you knew but you really had no idea. You wondered if Shawn felt angry at you now for your tweet, or if he felt bad. You didn't know but either way there was one thing you did know, and that was that no matter how far away Shawn was from you, you'd never forget him, and no matter how many roses you threw away, your heart would still belong to him, and it probably always would.

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes story #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes preference #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes mercy #shawn mendes illuminate #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes video

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