#I wrote most of this while I was irl mad so I think it translates pretty well

[robiinurheart33]

(TW for major panic attack, small s3lf harm and intrusive thoughts) - clicks for Palestine

Anyone who takes a good look at Ghost can probably guess he isn’t the most mentally healthy person.

Okay, he lied. No one would look at him long enough to actually take a good look before looking away in fear.

So why the hell are so many people annoying him today?

Look. He isn’t usually a very angry guy. Ghost is more like a combination of all his traumas and defence mechanisms and depression with anxiety all wrapped up in a scar-filled muscle tank. He does not get angry easily. He’s trained for that.

But fuck, when everyone is somehow getting on all his nerves at once, Price demanding paperwork, Gaz being way too fucking patient with him, and Soap whining all the god damned time. Jesus. Christ. Give him a bloody break already. He hasn’t drank water or eaten anything today, and his head is light and his brain feels like soft tissue scrunching up in preparation for a killer migraine. His boots are too tight, his mask suffocating him, his dozens of knives and guns and whatever the hell he keeps in him, he’s feeling every single minute detail and it’s driving him up the fucking wall. Who the hell decided all the lights be white?? God, his eyes burn. He probably hasn’t blinked properly in a while. His jaw and teeth hurt from clenching them, and ghost can practically feel his shoulders turning into giant boulders.

Ghost wants to crawl into a hole and die. Well, he already did do that, didn’t he? That wasn’t funny. He grimaces, sucking in a big breath as he pinches the bridge of his nose. Pull it together.

His thoughts are all over the place right now, and he can’t focus on one thing at a time. He needs to do a hundred things at the same time, and another part of him is reminding himself how dehydrated he is. He wants to choke the living hell out of his brain. Able to kill hundreds of people but unable to escape the confinements of his own mental stability. Ghost almost huffs at that. So you use comedy as a coping mechanism under stress? The words of his shrink suddenly ring through his mind, and ghost wants to bash his head into the wall and pull out all his hair.

Okay, okay, okay. Stay focused. First thing is to get back to his room, finish paperwork, drink and eat then sleep. As simple as that. Nothing else. Work, eat, sleep. Okay. He can do that. Terrifying lieutenant reduced to some guy who can’t even take care of his basic necessities. How can you even take charge of thousands of lives on the field? Ghost bites the inside of his cheek hard, tasting metal flow into his mouth immediately. SHUT THE FUCK UP. He feels like his skin is wrapped in cling wrap, pulling tighter and tighter, until his skin burns and he wants to scratch on every cell on his body until the feeling goes away. This is quite literally his own personal purgatory. Is he dead? He hopes he is.

Ghost slams open the door to his room, and winces at the loud sound that happens. He closes the door a little more carefully, his fingers trembling and even the subtle “click” of the door echos through his head and he wants to melt into the floor and die. Ghost presses the heel of his palm into his eyes and watches the sparks flutter behind his eyelids, until the pressure relieves some of the tension, until it almost hurts, and his breathing somehow soothes slightly. He wasn’t even aware of how hard he was breathing. His chest itches, and Ghost scratches at it, surprised by the dull pain that etched through his ribs. He rips off his gloves and throws them onto the floor, like a child throwing a tantrum. His father’s words plague him, and a cold sweat starts to break out.

It all boils to a point, and Simon throws his mask off, hands trembling and shaking and he doesn’t know what to do how to get rid of this how does he function, and he has work, work, work and there is no time at all and he’s paralysed by the thought of choice, and he’s standing in the middle of his room, face flushed and panting. His shaking hands raise slowly and he grabs onto his hair and yanks. He gasps and grinds his teeth together and it hurts. It hurts, and it’s making his brain feel sharper, and his eyes are slowly blurring. It hurts, and he doesn’t let go. Energy thrumming beneath his skin, and his nails sink into his forearms, and he scratches, scratches, scratches, it hurts, and he scratches, scratches, scratches, and there is nothing that can save him, and he scratches.

It hurts.

He hurts.

It’s good to see you again, Simon.

A sinking feeling explodes in his gut and his mouth opens, jaw limp and he doesn’t know what’s happening. He pants, and it hurts. He falls to his knees, face plummeting into the foot of his bed, and it hurts. Tight, tight, and with fumbling hands and skin and blood under his fingertips he unbuttons his jeans, throws over his shirt and lay panting on the ground. It’s too close, and he unties and throws his boots across the room. Tantrum. His mind taunts. It’s not enough, it’s never enough, hurt. It hurts.

His fingertips tremble.

He almost sprains his ankle tumbling into the shower, turning the knob completely to the right. He slams his head against the wall tile, not even waiting for the water to heat up before stepping into the water. His back and shoulder hurt, and he tries rolling his shoulders back but to avail. He tries to compose himself, and he fails. There is simply no more energy left in him.

Simon shivers and slides down to his ass, closing his eyes and welcoming the boiling water with reverence. It burns, and he hurts, and he’s alive, and he feels horrible. He knows he hates sitting while showering. He knows that there is no way he can possibly get up now. He knows that this is the absolute worst way to deal with his attacks right now. He knows he should get help. He knows he should breathe.

Simon does none of that.

He cannot tell if the liquid falling down his face is water, blood, sweat or tears. He doesn’t think about it any further. He angles his face just slightly out of the water to take in a gulp of humid air. That’s one down now. He shudders yet again, could imagine the goosebumps break across his arms. One objective right now is to get clean. He breaths some more. Counts to 10. His body doesn’t listen to himself. Dirt scrapes across his knees, and it’s not real, none of it. A metal hook, rotting jaw, and blue eyes.

Soap. Johnny.

Simon opens his eyes.

There’s no dirt, there’s no hook, or wood, or fire, no smell of decomposing bodies, no gun or blood, no pats to his shoulder, no whispers, no tommy, Beth, Joseph, elizabeth Riley or Johnny, he’s alone.

Like he always knew he was.

Simon twitches his toes, and watches as it slowly curls up. One more down. he blinks, and both his feet curl up. Twenty blinks later, and his hands twitch, static twitching up his arms. Distinctly, he remembers that they react that way due to not getting enough oxygen into his body. Ten blinks later, and his hands curl up. He slides his fingers against his palm, clocking in the water slowly getting colder again. He makes his hand into a fist. Another slow ten, and he lays his palms flat against the shower floor, inhaling painfully before pushing himself up with a grunt, slipping slightly and slamming his shoulder into the shower wall. He wheezes, clawing at the wall to keep himself upright. It hurts. His head spins. He blinks.

Breathe.

His hands fumble for the water tap, clammy hands shutting off the water and suddenly it’s way too quiet.

That’s- shit, that’s even worse and Simon turns on the water again, not to have it beat down on his back but a small drizzle, just to keep it from being silent, to not remind him how alone he felt.

A beat. Then two.

Simon turns off the water again and steps out of the shower quickly. He grabs a towel and wraps it around himself, staring at the man in the mirror.

Simon blinks. So does he.

Breathe.

That’s enough. He has work to do. He opens the door and steps back into his room, changing quickly and ignoring the blooming bruise on his shoulder and forehead. He takes one last breath and looks at the balaclava thrown onto the floor. He has work to do.

Ghost picks up the mask.

[gretchenfinch]

!! !! !! (go bestie show ur blorbos to the world)

xo i owe you my life and i forgor to post this bc i wrote it on my phone and i wanted to post art with it

1. Clementine Zhang (she/her)

What Is There To Be Said About Clem. she's autistic she's adhd she's a mechanical genius she's dumb as fuck she's funny she's insane i love her i want to yeet her through a window

she was from a fairytale curses rpg and her curse was sleeping beauty, aka Getting A Full Night Of Sleep which iirc was predicated by her girlfriend being mad that she worked too hard

she has a mechanical horse which she is so bad at pretending is a real horse. the horse's name is peninsula. it only eats oil

she was named after clementine kesh bc partizan was starting around the time we started playing that. i sketched her appearance for the first time when i was with my mom in the hospital after her surgery. she's SUCH a product of her time

she's an older sister and she's forever mad she's short while her little brother is tall as fuck. her brother went away to school for years and she forgot about him (aka i forgot about him) until he showed up with a fairy wife and a Baby

in the modern au she's just a weird horse girl who's into engineering and scoots everywhere

the funniest part about clem is that me and lav roleplayed AND WROTE her and her girlfriend getting together in a dumb way and then we got together in a similar, somehow dumber way. the dynamics are damn near identical. clem and lia were INSTRUMENTAL for my relationship.

2. Dig Iwatani (he/him)

MY SKRUNKLIEST SCRIMBLO i hate dig i love dig he's the worst Twink ever

so dig started because i wanted to do a star crossed lovers thing when i gmed a space opera rpg and i needed an Antagonist so i made the boy's older sibling be an absolute BITCH of a gay. he's the crown prince he's the golden child he's the worse he's their dad's favorite he's willing to commit murder he's the heir to a fucking mining planet (that's why he's called dig) he used to be with the prince of the whole galactic empire. he's a bitch and i love him so much.

dig in the au is much more interesting imo because while i love princes the dichotomy between him being the heir to his dad's fortune AND being gay is more interesting irl so of course i made his dad, and consequently, dig, homophobic. and then his whole development came from @mira-miranha and i thinking ha wouldn't it be fun if he met this very unapologetically queer character

and then we went wait a minute. what if they Dated

and now i have multiple thousands of words about him overcoming his repression and his guilt and becoming proud of himself and letting go of the caretaker role he assumed for his siblings :) i love him so much i think he deserves the world

3. Galle Boucher (she/her)

I NEVER GET TO TALK ABOUT GALLE

she's such a creature. originally she was part of an amnesia rpg (you know that thing where you don't know your character traits and you have to figure it out little by little) and she was a knight and also a homunculus but that party became incredibly weird morally so she ended up becoming a knight of death herself???? her family is cheese farmers and her appearance was based off of that zendaya joan of arc look and she was ready to fuck

translating that into the au became so much. so she's still from a family of french cheese farmers but in a trip to the uk when she was 16 she got slammed by a car and lost her memory. so this weird dutch guy witnessed the accident and called emergency and all that and he felt responsible for her. so after that near death experience she didn't really feel a connection with her home anymore and became a goth and got adopted by the dutch guy who's not even that much older than her. now she's in mortician school, fucking her rich professor and her wife and the most recent development is of course that she's also fucking/dating nadia whom i love and whom is also rich as fuck from being a mafia princess. actually the most recent development is that she and her dad got a golden retriever named croissant. she's also a boxer and she's now on her way to becoming a wrestler. think about that one lady wrestler who's all goth and shit? that's the exact vibes for galle. her full name is gallebrie anne-marie boucher.

there's a whole thing i wrote about galle where she's gone back to her hometown and she finds out her ex girlfriend is now married with a baby in the way and she's taking care of her mom but she cant remember anyone's names. that was a fun experiment and when i know french i want to rewrite that

thank u for the ask xo sorry i took so long to answer <3

[purpleyellow]

A guide to Resonance: Bee edition

NCT 24th member / Dream 8th member

Bee’s Masterlist

a/n: Guess who’s back?? Our favorite chocolate lover shorty!!. Idk if it translates but the format I was going for is the one of those guide youtube videos lol. anyway, enjoy!

Parts in the discography and a little rant because I got carried away

Make a wish

she had three of the “put your hands together, make a wish” lines, “it’s your birthday, make a wish” in the English version. 

some fans joked that she wanted Jaemin’s lines because it talked about sweets (someone protect this kid istg) but in the end half of the fandom got fooled into thinking it was true, which then, led to chenle mentioning in his radio that she wasn’t as naive as everyone thinks bee literally beat him up for saying that when she wasn’t around to defend herself, also a total of 0 people believed him but moving on

DÉJÀ VU

her and jaemin have a little “showdown” starting at 1:41 with a fun little dance move where they point at each other as they sing: 

B: Yo dream rush 

JM: We don’t stop 

B: No break 

JM: Going dance

and after that she finishes off the line leading up to the prechorus (the one renjun does one irl)

Dancing In The Rain

*vocalist yunhee has entered the chat*

unlike many dream songs, where her voice is usually used as background vocals, this time bee basically took over the chorus. and adding her little rap at 1:31-1:36 this song was the one she was most perminent in during both albums

IOU

she had the intro verses ( Between busy shoulders, I take quick steps like I'm a kid / I feel like I'm dreaming, I pinch my cheek / Oh my, it's real ) and did a little of backing vocals as well

Resonance

there were mixed opinions on this but she was given a total of 0 lines in the whole song. some said it’s because she got center position during one of the dance breaks, and others argued her voice wouldn’t match the vibe of the song. but at the end of the day, most people agree that the sneaky wink she sent the camera was nothing but iconic

little moments during promotions

let’s start with the form 

to be more exact, some interesting things fans picked out about hers and the members’ answers

it kind of caught a lot of people by surprise when she put jungwoo as the member she wanted to get closer

and it was even more surprising the fact that she said xiaojun was the one she had a good chemistry with

because as much as she seemed to have a good relationship with Kun, Winwin, and Lucas, nobody expected her to be close with someone “newer”

especially while not talking as much with jungwoo who’s been around for as long as she had 

also, worth mentioning haechan said she had the name that best matched, but instead of writing bee, he wrote yunhee.

cue the million compilations of haechan refusing to call her by her stage name during vlives

and to end the form thingy, it was the funniest to everyone that lucas answered himself to everything BUT the question about who he would want as a sibling

yes, he answered bee but she actually wrote doyoung instead and he pretended to be hurt about it, so beexlucas autumn fight i guess 

jumping into another topic, the vlive relays

or to be more exact, the infamous nomin+xiaojun vlive

again, everyone was shook at how comfortable xiaojun and bee were together, especially when him and jaemin, despite also being in the same unit, were the mess they were

but don’t get me wrong, the whole thing was still very very very awkward

she cringes even remembering

BUT at least she wasn’t the awkward one this time

though at some point, it did look like she and xiaojun were having a complete different conversation from what jeno and jaemin were talking about

also, nct world 2.0, maybe I’ll write more about it later

during the first episode, her task was to balance herself on top of a tilting table and hold a ballet pose

the recipe for a disaster considering she’s a bit of a clutz

so jaemin and hendery (who were next to her) tried to sneakily cheat and hold the thing stable

cue electronic voice getting mad and a few consecutive fails

she ended up doing it quite fast though since it wasn’t that complex

and lastly, chenji giving her the mask necklace thingy

bee got super whiny that they never invite her to do crafts with them

chenle literally rolled his eyes and threw the package at her face

and she kept saying she could have done better without even checking the orange chain with yellow ornaments

yeah, bee loved it after she took a look at it

and when she went to hug them as a thanks they ran away from her 

unintentionally starting a game of chase that lasted for a good three seconds before she gave up and walked away

[demonic-hedgehog]

my coming out story

TW: transphobia, abuse, mention of dr*gs

Hey hey im Dakohta (he/they/it) and I wanna tell you my coming out story. Im sorry if my English is a bit off this isn’t my first language.

So… about a month ago (4/24/2021) I came out to my mom as trans. She was shocked at first and she started to ask me basic questions like “how did I realize im trans?” “but do you like boys or girls?”. The first one felt a bit invasive for me personally but I tried to answer at it. And the second one was a bit tricky cause im also gay (homoace more exactly) but I told her I like girls so she can think that if her child is trans ftm at least he is straight. I begged her to not tell this to my dad but she said “we are a family we cant have secrets”. So a few days after she told my dad that im trans. At that time my dad was working on a project aboard but he had to come home soon.

The worst day of all was april 29th. My dad started to beat me cause “this is what boys do to each other”. Then he wrote a very transphobic message in my native language. That message was awful. It said that all trans people are predators, are doing drugs and just wanna trick kids to “become” trans cause they are unhappy. I had to translate that message in English and post it on transgender amino. In the following days he checked everything he found on my phone. I had a draft were I wrote about my trans journey and how I found out im trans. I also mentioned there that im gay. He was very mad I think he would have beat me again if my mom wasn’t home. He told me that after I finish a certain class he is gonna send me to a monastery. I got so panicked cause I didn’t want to waste some years just cause they cant accept me. Also im a Satanist so I don’t believe in god and sending me there would me useless. My mom said I should see a therapist first. She thought a therapy could “make me a girl”.

On may 9th I started therapy. I was very nervous before my first appointment. I thought it was gonna be like gay conversion therapy. The therapist is actually very nice. She had a lot of queer patients with abusive parents before. She also said that its not my fault for my parents reaction and that my mom is the most “rigid” mom she has ever heard of. One thing that bothers me is that she keeps promising me that she will talk to my mom but this didn’t happen yet. Im trying to be patient but the things with my parents are getting worse.

My dad is abroad again but my mom reactions are …weird. She started going through my messages again and she was really mad about telling my irl and online friends about my her and my dad. “we are a family we don’t backstab eachother” I didn’t backstabbed her. My friends don’t even know her. I was just looking for support. She also found out about some online friend and told me that I cant trust them and weird bs like this. She has no idea that some of them I know for more than 2 years and we have gone through a lot together. And im on the internet since im a child I know how to protect myself. after that she started to blame me for “ruining our family” and called me a monster and an animal while beating me. And that’s all until now. Im still talking to my friends, I made another ig account and im trying to hide it as much as possible. i made this post cause I wanna make young people aware of the dangers of coming out. Im not saying that what happened to me happens to everyone. But I wanna make yall realize that your parents wont always react like those parents you see on tik tok sadly. I didn’t mean to scare you or something Im sorry if I did so

i hope this post doesnt make anyone feel bad. i just wanted to tell my story and try to help people

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️💛❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)

[bestworstcase]

i guess it’s still farran yells into the void about poetry hour because i’m still obsessing over the incantations except bitter snow this time. specifically the sun/moon incantations and the decay incantation, the healing incantation is the same.

(but farran, you ask, why would you change them? because LORE, that’s why)

(and also because i love to torture myself i guess)

incantations in general

the 5/5/5/6 trochaic pattern is a convention originating with the moonstone cult in aphelion. in the original aphelionese [which doesn’t really exist yet] they don’t rhyme; the ABCB rhyming scheme is something demanitus did when he translated them into his own language and then replicated when he began to create his own incantations.

there are other incantations from all over the world that follow different patterns. most of them relate to the moonstone, or more specifically to the black rocks, and in general incantations originate wherever a) black rocks break the surface and b) the people living there realize that they respond to song. sundrop incantations are much rarer, since there’s only one sundrop flower, and are mostly found in regions and cultures with a significant underground presence—i.e., where people are more likely to come into contact with the sundrop’s roots.

if i ever get so deep in this that i start writing other incantations please kill me  

the moonstone incantations

for the purposes of bitter snow these are the “original” incantations. i’m not sure they’re the oldest but they’re quite old and they have the distinction of being the only incantations crafted by people who had immediate, direct access to the power being invoked. most incantations, as i said, developed out of interaction between people and the roots of one of the drops, with only an indirect connection to the drops themselves; the aphelionese incantations, by contrast, developed out of the cult’s understanding of what the moonstone actually does, and directly invokes its power. so they’re much more potent.

anyway.

the decay incantation

opal in the dark grant the night to me let the shadows burn and set the spirit free

wither and decay end this destiny break these earthly chains and set the spirit free

in bitter snow lore, the purpose of the moonstone is to control the “shadows” of the sundrop’s power, which it accomplishes by transforming them into the black rocks. these shadows are the natural opposite of the sundrop, so they’re associated with darkness, destruction, corruption, and rot. 

so the literal function of this incantation is to release the sundrop’s shadows from the inert stone form and place them under the caster’s control. (as i’m sure you can imagine, this is catastrophic when it goes wrong.) if the first verse is recited by itself it invokes the sundrop instead—this is unintended and also catastrophic. in either case it’s volatile magic. 

the moon incantation

i outright rewrote this one for bitter snow, not because the original is bad, but because the original is very tailored to cassandra’s usage of it in cassandra’s revenge and i wanted something more in line with my lore. 

crescent high above watching from the skies set the stars ablaze and by your light i’ll rise

let me shake the seas wake me from my lies lend to me your wings and by your light i’ll rise

unlike the decay incantation, this one is calling upon the moonstone’s own power, which is associated with change, transformation, and movement. so it begins with an invocation to the moon and focuses on characteristics associated with the moon (the appearance of stars; the movement of tides; clarity of thought*, light, rising and flight).

(*this is an inversion of the irl folklore associating the moon with madness; in aphelion, with its cultural admiration of the moon, it makes sense to me that the moon would still have folkloric links to the mind but in a positive way. i think the underlying logic here is that it’s easiest to see clearly at night if the moon is full, therefore the association becomes moonlight = clarity.)

it’s also very much a prayer. in canon the sun/moon incantations grant whoever possesses the drops complete control over their power, but i don’t think that is remotely the intention for this incantation in the bitter snow ’verse; the people who crafted it were people who worshipped the moon and the moonstone, and the basic idea here is “loan me your power so i can edify you with it.” possession of the moonstone is irrelevant. even proximity to the moonstone is irrelevant as long as the caster has some preexisting connection to it i.e. the kind of link created by worshipping it. 

of course, for both of these incantations, the closer you are to the moonstone on a... spiritual? level, the more potent its effect will be. e.g., members of the brotherhood would get a much stronger kick from using the moon incantation than your average aphelionese farmer with no special connection to the moonstone, and for someone like cass—who becomes its avatar—the incantation is essentially god mode. likewise, the bigger the kick the harder the crash, so our farmer might feel a bit tired once it ebbs but the brotherhood member would be need a few days to recover and cass is just laid out after.

 the sundrop incantations

these incantations are the ones demanitus wrote for the sundrop based on his understanding of the aphelionese moonstone cult and their incantations. they’re modeled off the aphelionese incantations, but they lack the religious context because demanitus focused on the power of the drops and wasn’t especially interested in the worship aspect. 

the healing incantation

this is the only incantation in bitter snow that’s 100% untouched canon.

flower, gleam and glow let your power shine make the clock reverse bring back what once was mine

heal what has been hurt change the fates’ design save what has been lost bring back what once was mine

demanitus wrote this one first. i sort of imagine him attempting a direct, literal reverse of the decay incantation but eventually giving up in frustration because, unlike the decay incantation, he could never get it to work at range. 

the reason for this is that the decay incantation unleashes the shadows, which are everywhere—literally, they are at the core of the world, the black rocks spread across the whole globe, and the metaphorical “light” of the sundrop’s magic is always creating more—whereas the healing incantation calls on the sundrop’s magic directly and without any preexisting connection with the caster, its magic cannot be drawn from a distance. 

i think a devout priest of corona’s sun cult could have used this incantation at range before frederic uprooted the sundrop, but being eaten and then inhabiting rapunzel sort of... scrambled everything. however, i don’t think demanitus and the sun cult got on very well [because he didn’t care about the religious aspect at all] so he never shared his incantations with them.

gothel did use this incantation from a distance, because her familiarity with and regular use of the sundrop flower created that preexisting connection that is required. however, the effect is weaker from farther away—it’s like heat from a fire where closer = warmer—so in bitter snow, gothel’s regular use of the incantation at range was a matter of daily maintenance, preserving her health and allowing her to age normally, while she made trips to the flower itself to de-age herself every half a century or so.

in the bitter snow ’verse, the sundrop flower was found and uprooted a week before rapunzel’s birth, and then there’s a six month gap between her birth and gothel’s kidnapping. i think gothel goes about three months without realizing that her daily recitation isn’t... working anymore—i picture her cutting herself chopping vegetables or something and trying the incantation and then being like “...fuck” when it doesn’t heal—and then it takes her another three months to figure out what happened and plan her infiltration of the palace. 

in bitter snow, the sundrop being uprooted and then absorbed into baby rapunzel damaged it. to return to the light source metaphor: the magic of the intact sundrop is the light from an electric lamp—steady, bright, casting a regular and predictable shadow—but after the flower is uprooted, the sundrop’s roots stay in the ground while its magic ends up in rapunzel’s hair, and the magic channeled through her hair is more like the light of a candle flame—fragile, dim, casting a flickering and unpredictable shadow.

the sun incantation

the canonical sun incantation worked with the bitter snow lore better than the moon one did; however, since demanitus modeled his sun incantation on the aphelionese moonstone incantation, i wanted the sun incantation to more directly mirror my version of the moon incantation. so instead of rewriting it outright, i took the bits of the canon sun incantation that worked well for me and remixed them.

jewel of the sky blazing high and bright burn away the dark and let my hope ignite

purge my heart of fear restore my fading sight strengthen me with fire and let my hope ignite

for this one, i imagine demanitus attempting to replicate the aesthetic of the moon incantation without quite grasping its religious implications; he looks at the moon incantation and sees a poetic invocation of the moon followed by a request for power but misses how the moon incantation reflects back on and extols the moon itself, so demanitus’s sun version lacks that element of giving anything back. a command, rather than an exchange. 

this one, he considered a success, because he was able to make it work even without having found the sundrop flower itself. what he didn’t realize is that he was able to do so because of how extremely potent this incantation really is—so potent that even somebody like demanitus, who had never even seen the sundrop flower, was able to use it with noticeable effect. 

on a functional level, the purpose of the reflection back to the moon in the moon incantation is to create a whole circuit between the moon and the caster, so that all that power has somewhere to go after the incantation is finished. this sacrifices some power in exchange for making the incantation much safer to use, because the power flows through the caster. they can hold onto it for a while after completing the incantation, but it’s hard, and it requires considerable force of will to do so, because the magic wants to complete the circle by flowing out of the caster and back to the moon. 

demanitus’s sun incantation, by comparison, creates a straight line: power flows from the sun and into the caster, who then becomes a vessel for it. with this incantation, the magic gets dammed up inside the caster, which is what makes it so potent, but it also wants to stay there, and must be forcefully pushed back the way it came when the incantation is finished. and that’s dangerous, because it’s simply too much power for a human body to contain. this is why the sun incantation takes such a severe physical toll on its casters (unless they’re like demanitus, have no other link to the sundrop, and are getting only a tiny fraction of the potential output).

[savemefrommyselfxv]

Once a day doses, instead of hours on end of endless convs. // kasi update sama lu sikit hahahah kk.

Came back so late!!! Hahah may As-Salam be with you, mirroredz buddy companion kindergartener, and may God's comfort hug you more snug than a grey hoodie varsity jacket would aha and hm may light penetrate into the heart, then glow and shine. ^ even typing this reminded me of two things. 1) when the grave will squeeze, it may come in to shatter our bones and squeeze entirely with no mercy in the scary way, or it could likely squeeze like a welcome back to your truest abode - home kinda hug. That's what I once learnt at the kursus jenazah camp a few months backkk. Made from clay like soil tanah liat, and exactly to that we will return to. Humbling, "come full circle" (coincodentally, came across the verses on habil and qabil - the two sons of Adam ytd!!! And how he learnt to kebumikan the brother from the bird's example. So yeah kinda related to grave) 2) zulumaati ilanoor. // I come across thissss during mathurat but also(!!) terawih made mention this phrase quite a bit so hm yeah hahah repeating themes hm hm // bring forth from darkness into light. - Anyway, aha I still make mention your name across the varied do'as I do. :") - Ok but yeah aha anyway, reason I came back at like 1+ todayyyyy was cuz we were preparing for ryc and all and there's this one part called muhasabah diri that they were practicing for (skit like) and theres this part that had like zikir aspect while the lights were off and the sad instrumental and the main cast was to make do'a :"""( rlly. Heart. Felt. :"(. It seems like I have the most "crying waterworks" camp sesh at islah man :"""). Aha rmmbr my story about the qiyam with the rabak cry sesh only to be ajak out to lepak post midnight ahahah yeah that was at islah jugak. But yeah aha awman I wished u were somehow part of ryc so u could see and have and be part of this moment that will rlly like menusuk ke kalbu muhasabah diri sesh. But aiy. Recent reminders jugak: you are exactly where Allah chooses for you to be. And "qad kafaani ilmu rabbi, min suaali wakthiari" OK BUT YES AHAH. If week one of ramadhan was, some days, already kinda tiring, like I woke up soree and rlly tired this morning actlly and yeah all that and last night after ghufran terawih I was also actlly thinking "what if lepas terawih just gym cuz conveniently near" but yozkiz hahahah I realise then that wow that wouldn't be a good choice cuz body recovery from workout and mad tired probs but yeah it seems a recent theme is also strength. The words you wrote about strength about knowing God amidst our weakness etc, that one def spoke to me macam wake up call. Sebab like hm usually every mess up or weakness or fall, I'd be so zoned in on me and my weakness etc. But instead, with what u wrote, if anything, even our downfalls points back to God, knowing learning God. I once wrote about learning from opposites and yeah. Didn't see it this way, how our mess ups only highlights even more attributes of God. :"") But yeah ok if week 1 was tiring, hahahah I've yet to hustle through week 2 and 3 of ramadhan which is basically high busy weeeks, mirrorredz :"") I've got like ryc then myf bake sale then alterisk night camp with Muhammadiyah kids which includes the night cycling thing, then the special iftar inshaAllah then the project ihsan overnight service camp/qiyam then hustle for aceh and yeah ahahah. This week, as compared to the upcoming weeks, have been more lax yet I haven't gotten a chance to write out or think through or develop wtv one liner wisdom pearls I've been getting. 1) the model love 2) setting progressive goals and translating it from intent, thoughts and into reality 3) the selfless - what's in it for me 4) weaknesses, strengths. Mess ups and humble pies. - road to br(ok)en 5) humble pie of learning from people we'd least expect 6) purified lil kids and the parenting I seeee at terawih And ya hahaha u see so much actlly to process tapi kian tak cukup waktu :""( Walhal when you asked me to write a poem HAHAHA I WAS LIKE jack so kind of u la hahahaha making it interactive, I thought twas gonz be like your typical factual thoughts theories and learnings, type of post but EHHH HAHAHA terselit "mirror" inside jugak hahaha but yeah. I think how I write poems, like the skeleton, is kinda to pick out words that ring forth. So yeah as seen in exhibit yellow notepad HAHAHA as u can see written at 1:02 otw home ah from tadi while dropping by giant to buy dark choxxx but yeah: Burn with Love Engulf Ashes Crashes Hushes. ^ then usually Id continue with finding rhyming words then let more ideas thoughts flow but eeks hahahah kk tkde time. But #1, notice I'd capitalize Love. Cuz the moment we use Love, it kinda refers to godly kinda instead of lowly earthly love between creations. But yeah probs the ideas I'd play around would be about ego death and burning such into ashes, which may at first leave you in states that feels like the self crashes, ruins but in all it silences the soul, hushes. And thats where true empty cup and humility and ready to listen to The Word to reach you. And I like the idea of Burn WITH Love, that Love is there by you, as you burn with intensity, there by you through the journey from darkness into light, through by you, be with you. And it encapsulates going thru the process together. With Love. Al waliy. Its so interesting, just a play of, huruf jjar hahahah um prepositions and it might change up the meanings in varied ways. Burn FOR Love, Burn out of Love, Burn to Love, Burn into Love(hahahah idk is that possible) (I can only think of ways humans may reflect a tiny fraction of attributes of God by His mercy and will) but yeah and then the flow would also change immensely once you change the subject of Love to love. Burn for love, burn from love. Are burns always painful? Could the process be beautiful? What is the end product? What about sublimation - changes of state from one to another. What about the burn sensation, is that alll that you'd focus on, because of how fiercely the experience of a burn is? Is it self inflicted, accidental, a necessity to get to another state? Accidental from rubbing against what? Kerosene or another rough rock? Glow like that bbq thing (omg what is it called HAHA) (amber) or burn boldly like campfires. Did it start from small sparks and firestarters or set aflame from explosion. HAHAHAHA man, I'd love to exploreee writes once more hahaha but ok ah such thinking lead questions are pretty much a joy to wander/venture for a bit. But yeah man. Caught up with much on my plate :") and we have team members falling ill and belum properly confirm swee prep so rlly macam eeeks hahahah. "rabbi yussahil rabbi tamim bi khair" Sharing so much life updates ahahah though it's kinda irrelevant to u, if you weren't a friend. My friend. Hahaha chey possessive kk tak hahah kk astaghfirullah. But yeah addu'a biddu'a hope youre maximizing all the "mustajab doa moments" wether before buka or wee mornings aka last 1/3 of night, be it tahajjud or tak, or rainnn (masyaAllah, ytd's rain was beautifz hahshah i walked in the rain back home!!! I love it seh hahah) and yeah. Also reminder to self to upkeep al mulk, since I kinda began this post with reminder about graves :"") And yeah. Fridayyyyy alhamdulillah :) Hahahah. I wonderrrrrrr where you'd be performing your piece and I kinda rmmbred how I wanted to someday be in the crowds of yours but ahaha idk if our friendship is at that yet ahahaha but yay all the best I think you'd probs have fun ahah anddddd yeah man hahahah i went to re-watch your yoda performance where u spilled a little of your life story about tents and tensions and you gazing at sunrises while most of the population is asleeeep snoring. Voices man. Voices aren't the same as writes. Just as how it'll never equate to experiencing a person irl. Okkk and quick one worded word plays I sometimes do: Void. Voices. Vices. Vis a vis. Liver. Live. Love. Lover. Love Her. Flicker, falter. Fall. Fail. Fate. Fade. ^ HAHAHA guess these are how I sometimes start. Catharsis. Aight. :) Keep writing man hahahah even if they arent mirror letters. I rlly enjoy reading writes, no matter. Bound to have gems. Bi idznillah. And alhamdulillah. :") - Fa