#I wish I didn’t try to put myself back in their good graces or get positive attention from them

[daenerys-targaryen]

i flip between loving my brain to hating it hourly

[hopefulromances]

Long Time Coming I Chapter Two I Tell Me About You

Summary: Being hired as the first female assistant coach in the league was a challenge of it itself. Being a football protigy and University Football Legend was easy enough. Coaching Jamie Tartt was a challenge all on its own.

Word Count: 2481

Warning: I have literally no clue how football works. Enemies to lovers. First Person. Minimal Y/N.

A/N: LMAO I LOVE THIS GIF One of my favorite chapters! Hope y'all are enjoying!

Prologue One

Nearing a year later, I was outside the club, again, in the early morning. After being regulated at the end of last season, I had blamed myself. Ted assured me that it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Just bad luck. But I took it as a chance to do better. To be better.

But recently I’ve been having a mental blockage. I couldn’t picture myself playing the game anymore. I was struggling to coach and to train on my own. I know they hadn’t said anything, but I could tell the other coaches had noticed. With Nate being promoted I was worried that I was going to be let go or replaced. It didn’t go unnoticed to me that I was having the same insecurity that Jamie had been feeling before he left.

But still, here I was looking down the field trying to shove all those feelings of fear and insecurity aside so I could just train. I took a breath and closed my eyes, slowing my heart so I could focus on the game. With a deep intake of crisp morning air, I pulled back my foot and-

            “’Morning (Y/N)!”

I whiffed my foot right over the ball and stumbled a few feet before whipping around to see who caused the distraction.

            “Oh, good morning, Ted,” I sighed. There was no way I could be cross with him. I kicked the ball up into my hands.

            “Sorry, I didn’t interrupt you, did I?” Ted apologized as he approached.

            “No, no. I was just finishing up,” I conceded. I spun the ball in my hands wishing I could feel the same magnetism to it I had when I started the job.

Ted took a long look at me before speaking again. “Ya know… when I was little, I had this puzzle. I loved this puzzle more than anything. I would take it apart and put it together over and over, excited to see the same photo every time I put it together.  But one day, when I put it together, it felt off. Different. I tried everything to get that feeling back. The excitement to see that photo again. But eventually, I realized I had outgrown that puzzle. That it was time to move on.”

My stomach dropped. This was it, this was the moment he was going to tell me I was being let go.

            “Are you firing me, Ted?” I asked, my voice shaky with fear.

            “What? Oh, good heavens no!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up.

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. “Oh my god. You scared me. I thought that was what you were saying. With the whole puzzle metaphor.”

            “Yeah, I can see how you would think that, but most certainly not.” He chuckled and made a dramatic sweat wiping motion with his hand.

After our laughter died down a moment, I twisted the ball in my hands again before looking at him to continue. “What were you trying to say then?

            “I’m just saying that sometimes it time to try a new challenge,” he paused. “I wanted to get your thoughts on bringing Jamie back.”

My eyes widened in surprise. As far as I knew, Jamie wasn’t even an option. He had quite a fall from grace after he left Man City and had his brief stint on ‘Lust Conquers All’. Sam and Isaac had hosted quite a few watch parties to watch his floundering attempt at finding love on the dating show. As expected, he was kicked off early in the game after double crossing one of the girls on the show. It was fun to watch, especially after what he had said about me in the press.

Yesterday, Sam had come to me, showing me a photo of Ted and Jamie together. He was nervous about Jamie coming back, scared of how he might ruin the good vibes that the team had now with Ted in charge. But Ted had assured us both that Jamie was not coming back. He had told Jamie no. I couldn’t lie and say that brining back Jamie wouldn’t have its pluses. The boy was talented and that’s a fact. But was that talent enough to outweigh the team dynamic.

            “Jamie?” I echoed. “I thought you said that you had told him no.”

Ted shrugged sliding, his hands in his pockets. “I did. But it’s been nagging me anyways. He’s going through a tough spot right now.”

            “Oh, really, he’s going through a ‘tough spot’?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

            “I know, I know, but there is something different about him, I swear.” Ted continued. “It takes a lot for a guy like that to come asking for help. And I’m thinking he might deserve another chance.”

I skewed my lips to the side in thought. “Jamie is… talented. But you saw Sam. He wasn’t just angry he was scared. Scared of how Jamie would treat him when he came back. It’s not about talent. It’s about… personality.”

            “So, you think it’s a bad idea,” he clarified.

Is that what I was saying? The truth was bringing Jamie back could be just what we need to push forward in the league. Get out of the tie streak and start getting back to promotion. That, or we could be stuck in the Championship League forever. And I would be known as the coach that ruined AFC Richmond. But how could I know that if we didn’t try. Something had to change. I couldn’t just keep putting together the same puzzle, hoping it would excite me every time.

            “No, I don’t,” I decided, looking at Ted. “I think we just need to be careful.”

Ted sent me a dazzling smile. “Good, cause I’m putting you on Jamie duty.”

            “Jamie duty?”

            “Yeah, cause he’s coming back today!”

            “Today- TED!”

That’s how I got stuck waiting for Jamie in the locker room. Ted thought it would be a good idea to start him slow. Get the team used to him being back, make him earn his spot.  I leaned against the doorframe, waiting for him to finish changing. Out he came, bouncing from foot to foot, punching the air occasionally.

            “’Morning! Ready for a great day of trainin’” He exclaimed, seemingly unable to stop bouncing.

I didn’t react, fighting the urge to roll my eyes. “Alright then, let’s go.”

I pushed myself off the wall and headed towards the pitch. But as I walked past him, he grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him.

            “Wait, before we go, I just wanted to tell you that I’m different now, yeah? I’m not a prick, like I was,” he told me sincerely.

I glanced between him and where his hand touched my arm. For some stupid, idiotic, unbelievable reason, it made my heart skip a beat. His eyes looked so desperate for me to hear him. I pursed my lips and gave him a sympathetic, albeit somewhat sarcastic smile.

            “Sure, Jamie, whatever you say.” I gave him a pat on his hand, signaling for him to let go. He withdrew his hand, looking for something more from me. A sign that I had forgiven him for everything. I rolled my eyes at him. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Practice was a mess to say the least. All the lads seemed determined to bring Jamie down as far as they could. Ted told me it was my job to make sure Jamie felt comfortable coming back to practice, but it was really hard when watching Colin and Sam take their revenge was just a little too sweet.

            “Hey (Y/N), why don’t you stick around a bit after practice, give Jamie some one-on-one training to get him back into the sense of what we’re doing around here,” Ted suggested after watching Jamie flub yet another pass.

            “You want me to what?!” I blurted out before I had a chance to think.

            “Yeah! Just give him the run around. Ya’ know, literally!” He smiled at me, like it was the most amazing idea in the world. “Give you a chance to catch up on that personal training you missed this morning.” 

Ted was about to be ded. As in dead. This whole Jamie thing was HIS idea and yet here he was shoving it on me! He’s a shover.

            “Ooooh she’s looking at you with her angry eyes,” Beard cautioned, lowering his sunglasses.

            “That’s actually quite scary,” Nate chimed in.

            “Ted, I swear to god, I better not be your new puzzle,” I sneered at him.

            “New puzzle?” Nate questioned, turning to Beard.

            “Oh, the puzzle metaphor…” Beard whistled lowly. “He’s really trying something out.”

            “You know the puzzle metaphor?” I accused, narrowing my eyes at him.

            “Oh, yeah I know the puzzle metaphor.”

 “Woo, I love the puzzle metaphor, let’s get these kids in the showers!” Ted finally joined in. With that he walked forward, blowing his whistle to signify the end of training.

Then it was Jamie and me. I kicked the ball onto the field. Jamie, somehow, was still bouncing with energy.  

            “Did you see how they was treating me, (Y/N)?” he said, kicking the grass. “I’m trying me best here.”

I passed him the ball. “Score a goal.”

He backed up and readied himself. “I mean, I said I was sorry.”

With that he moved forward and kicked the ball, sending it flying on a beautiful arc to swish into the goal. I rolled him another ball.

            “Yes, you did,” I agreed, rolling him another ball. “Take 5 steps back and score again.”

He did as I instructed, stepping back to score again. “I just don’t know what else they want from meh.”

He moved forward and scored again. This time, however, the ball moved further to the left. Still in the goal, but drifting. I eyed where the ball landed. I rolled him another ball.

            “Another 5 steps,” I instructed. “Are you being serious right now?”

He took another five steps back before jogging forward and hitting another swish of a goal. This time it was even further to the left. “Yeah, I’m being serious. I’m still new at this whole nice thing.”

            “Go get the balls,” I told him. “So, you really just thought you would come back and say you’re sorry and everything would go back to the way it was?”

He jogged back with the balls. He kicked one towards me. “I mean… yeah?”

I studied the ball on the ground. Then I took three steps back, dragging my feet back as I did. Then I jaunted forward and kicked the ball, it flew through the air and swished into the center of the goal. Jamie starred at the ball.

            “You’re trying too hard, Jamie,” I explained to him. “Things aren’t going to go back to the way they were. And it shouldn’t.” I kicked a ball towards him. “You were a prick.”

He stops the ball. “What do you mean.”

            “Score a goal from there,” I told him. “I mean… do you actually know what you’re apologizing for?”

Jamie took a breath before sending the ball flying. “I mean, yeah. I was a dick. I said shitty things. I did shitty things.”

            “Do you know why I’m mad at you?” I asked him. I placed the ball on the ground and took a few steps back, dragging my feet again. The ball flew through the air and landed in the middle of the net again. Jamie looked between the ball and me.

            “How many times do I have to say that I was a prick,” he whined.

            “Go get the balls,” I shooed. “And always, you always have to say you were a prick.” He began jogging towards the goal. “And, you were a prick, but do you know why you should be sorry.”

The kicked the balls back in my direction. He furrowed his brows, thinking hard about it. I rolled my eyes at him while kicking the ball back, at nearly the halfway point of the field it was a long goal. I took a deep breath, taking three dragging steps backwards, then one step to the side.

            “You aren’t actually going to- “

I didn’t listen. I could see it. I visualized the ball and the opponents. I could see the clock ticking down as I set my feet in motion. Like slow motion, I kicked the ball and watched as it went soaring until it landed in the goal with a satisfying noise. I smirked.

            “Holy shit,” Jamie gapped. “That was like… really impressive.”

            “Jamie, I know. I’m fucking good at this. And I am the first female coach in the league. And every day I woke up with a million reasons why I shouldn’t have my job or come to work. I convinced myself every day that it would be worth it. And every day I you came up with another 20 reasons why I shouldn’t be here.” I kicked a ball up into my hands. “And you made sure to let me know that you thought you were better than me. Think about that.” I pressed the ball into his hands. “Score a goal.”

He took the ball from my hands and dropped it on the ground. He took a step backwards before kicking the ball. He missed, but just barely.

            “You need to plan where you hit the ball. The further back you go the further harder it is to get it in the goal,” I explained. He scoffed at me. “It becomes more important to really know where your boot hits the ball.” I placed the last ball on the ground and motioned for him to come stand next to me. “If you drag your feet, it gives your legs muscle memory. You’re more likely to get the ball where you want it to go.” He looked at me skeptically. I moved my hand in a swooping motion, presenting the ball to him. “Well, I’m not going to wait all day.”

He looked at the ball, then down to the goal. He mimicked my movement, backing up three steps with his feet dragging on the grass then one step over. Then he moved forward and kicked the ball. Swish. The middle of the goal.

            “Damn,” he sighed. I came up next to Jamie and stared at where the ball sat in the goal.

            “You made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be here. And that’s what I can’t forgive you for,” I stated, not looking at him. I could feel him turn to look at me, but I shook my head, feeling tears spring into my eyes. “Pick up the balls and go get showered.” With that I spun on my heel and walked inside, Jamie’s eyes burning on the back of my head.

[randomfandomlov3]

Price of love (Chapter 5)

Warnings: Angst. Crying. Let me know if I missed any.

Note: Thank you for reading! <3

Word Count~ 2110

He knew that his best friend just did what he thought would be in his best interest, but boy did it hurt to lose her. After he dropped you off at your room, Bucky went to find Steve. He knocked on his best friend’s bedroom door. When the door opened Steve is in shock to see Bucky standing there looking almost nervous. Steve welcomed him into the room and closed the door. “Hey Punk, I wanted to say that I am sorry for how I acted. It’s just that she was one of the best people I had ever met and felt comfortable around. I realize that I am just as much to blame for not telling you off sooner. But I was worried that maybe you were right, and maybe she deserves better than me. I did realize though, that I don’t want to lose you again.” Bucky put his arms out for a hug from his best friend.

Steve gave Bucky a soft smile before returning the hug. “I’m sorry that I meddled in things, Buck. I thought that experience would be good for you, but I knew you wouldn’t do it without incentive, I am really sorry if I messed things up. But just know anyone would be lucky to date you.”

He felt Bucky shake, as he felt tears on his shirt. “What if she was the only one out there for me, and I went and lost her.”

Steve’s heart ached. “I promise things will work out how they are supposed to.” They stood like that for a few minutes before Bucky collected himself and apologized. “You don’t have to apologize for this, I will always be here for you.” After they went their separate ways, Steve knew what he needed to do.

Your bag was empty, and you were trying to get a feel for the room when a knock interrupted your thoughts. When you opened the door, you saw Steve standing there. “Look, I wanted to apologize. I was the one who came up with the stupid idea of paying Bucky to date someone. I was just trying to get him back out there, and more comfortable with others. I can tell I was wrong though; he is heartbroken over this. Did you know he even refused the money after?” His words made you feel heavy.

“But then why didn’t he turn down your offer in the first place?” You were still unsure whether he cared for you.

“He was afraid. He thought that you deserved better than what he could give you. Someone with less baggage. But I promise he is worth getting to know.”

A soft smile graced your face. “I know, I had just started to get through his hard exterior. But I wish he would have let me make that choice for myself because I think that he might be it for me. Why am I telling you this? It doesn’t matter anyway; he would never see me like that after how I reacted.” You went to close the door on Steve, to go cry into your pillow.

He put his hand on the door to stop you. “I disagree, he is very much so still into you. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but he just spent a good 10 minutes crying into my shirt about you.” This shocked you; the unfazed assassin was crying over you. “Just think about it.” He took his leave, leaving you with your thoughts. Did Bucky really feel that way about you?

Probably one of the most terrifying things to do was to be seen entering the medical wing by the team. You were bombarded with questions about why you were going to the med bay, and if it had anything to do with you having been away for a couple weeks. Too tired to answer them you allowed them to follow you into the room where Helen said for you to meet her.

She looked around at all the people and back at you to make sure that you were okay with all of them being there. “Yeah, I don’t have the energy to explain everything to them right now so I was hoping you could,” You said with a big grin on your face, to keep up your sunshine persona.

"Well, okay then. How's your shoulder been feeling?" You gave it some gentle movements.

"It's been a little bit sore, but definitely better than it has been," you said, taking off your sweater to reveal the bandage.

"That's to be expected, you were shot in the shoulder, just 2 weeks ago. Now, let's take a look to see how it's healing." The room filled with gasps when she mentioned that you were shot. You didn’t notice Bucky leave the room. Dr. Cho took the gauze off and gave it a gentle wipe to not only check your pain response but also to remove any of the leftover cream. "It looks like it is healing just fine, and you should be able to get your antidote shot at the scheduled time. It doesn't look like you need any more antibiotics, but if anything about it changes come back to see me. And you can take ibuprofen for the pain from here on out, but once again if it doesn't work come back and see me." She reapplied the dressing and told you when she wanted to see you next. You went to the kitchen and smiled upon seeing Bucky standing there, but your bubble burst when he glanced at you before leaving the room. Maybe he was just trying to give you space to figure things out.

He never stayed in the same room as you over the next few days. What if Steve and Sam were wrong? What if he didn't like you anymore? What could you have done to upset him? Spotting Bucky across the room as you set up your station for the injections made your heart ache, you wanted to be happy, but he seemed to hate you. The first thing you did was give yourself the injection and shock so that you could be ready when everyone else arrived. “Agent Roberts? What are you doing here? Didn’t you get your shot already?”

She nodded as she came over to you. “One of the people who have an appointment today requested that they have anybody but you. I’m sorry, but after the agent you shocked, some people are a little wary of this.”

You faked a smile because you had a suspicion that that was not the case, but rather it was personal. She listened very closely to the instructions you gave her for the people who were there for accommodations not just because they were not able to get the shot the other time. Bucky overheard you and his chest hurt, hearing how much you cared.

You left the room trying to hide your broken heart. You decided to go for a walk to get some fresh air and clear your thoughts. Feeling your phone vibrate, you pulled it out to see a text from Natasha. “I heard that you left before the shots were given out is everything okay?”

You wondered who told her because the only one she really knew from the room is Bucky. “Everything is fine it was just requested that I don’t give them out.” You sent back, hoping she would drop the topic.

“Did you get yours though?” A sigh left your lips, you knew that she cared about you, but you didn’t want to talk about that anymore.

“Yes, I did.” You then turned your phone off to have a little bit of peace. The walk ended up leading you to a small café that you went to with Bucky on one of your dates. Feeling nostalgic you decided to go inside and get something to drink.

The lady at the front counter recognized you, but also the look of sadness on your face. “You need a chocolate milkshake, but if you ask me no man could ever be better than a chocolate milkshake.” She said to make you laugh.

“I do like me a chocolate milkshake. Alright, I’ll get one.” A newfound smile graced your face. Taking the milkshake, you went to sit in a booth by the window, to go through your thoughts.

As you were staring out the window a certain redhead comes to sit across from you. “You’ve been distant lately. Is there something on your mind?” Wanda asked setting down her milkshake.

That earned a smirk out of you. “You tell me.”

She looked down at her hands. “Okay, so your thoughts haven’t been very quiet, but I promise I only looked at them when I was concerned for your well-being. I hate seeing you so upset.”  

You took a sip of your milkshake before answering, “I understand, I was just teasing you. I don’t mind you peeking in every now and then, it makes me feel cared for.”

The smile that covered her face made you smile as well. “I truly do care about you, which is why I think that you should focus on yourself right now because you are still trying to heal from the injury that you sustained on the battlefield. You need to do what’s best for you, and I promise to help you in whatever ways I can.” She lifted her glass to cheers yours.

“Thank you, Wanda. This means the world to me.” Once you both finished your milkshakes, you stood and hugged her. “I will see you back at the tower shortly, first I want to grab some things from the store.” You said your goodbyes and went your separate ways.

Re-entering your room you dropped the bags onto the floor. In the first bag you opened, you pulled out baskets. You arranged them all on the floor careful not to step on any as you went to grab the next bag. Bag by bag you built up these baskets to say thank you to the Avengers for how welcoming they had been, and essentially saying goodbye. Each of them was signed with a sunshine 🔆. You had to do what was best for you, and right now that was not staying here. They all had training right now, so it was the perfect time, you grabbed the baskets and placed one by each of their doors. Then you grabbed your bag and left the tower.

They were all very confused to see cute little baskets outside of each of their doors. Natasha picked up hers and read the note. “Thank you, Habiba. I need to do what’s best for me but let’s stay in touch.”

Sam also read his. “Thank you so much, for everything you have helped me with lately Sam. I will be gone for a while, but I would love to stay in touch.”

Each of the notes was personalized at least a little, but all Bucky’s said was, “I’m sorry.”

Wanda was proud that you took her advice, but she was going to miss seeing your bubbly face around the tower. “Does anyone’s say where sunshine is going?” Tony asked feeling slightly sad that you wouldn’t be around to randomly bring him coffee when he stayed up in his lab way too late.

Everyone just shook their heads. “Just that she will be away for a while,” Sam said, looking between everybody.

Bucky’s brow furrowed when he realized that you left longer messages on the others’, but he just got an apology, but he didn’t even understand why.

“What about you, Buck? I imagine she left you a longer message.” His heart shattered at his best friend's comment.

“All she wrote were the words ‘I’m sorry’ that’s it.” He then entered his room closing the door behind him. Why were you apologizing to him? He was the one who messed up. He was the one who got you shot. He was the one who broke your heart. What could you have had to apologize for?

You were not quite sure what you wanted to do forever, but right now, a vacation was needed. “Hey, Fury?” He hummed in response. “I was hoping I would be able to take a vacation for a while, you know, get out of the city and maybe find myself.”

You stared at your shoes, wondering what would be worse, being allowed to go, or being made to stay. “I think it would do you some good, we will miss you around here, but you being at your best will be what is best for your team.”

Chapter 6

[solar-sunz]

Gabe,

Can you hear me?

Cause.. I think I need you to hear me right now. Even if you can’t, I’m going to pretend like you can right now, because I need you to be able to hear me.

I fear that I’ve lost the point. I know that if you were here, you’d tell me just want to do, and how to do it. I know you’d care enough to stay, but so many haven’t once they’ve learned the truth.

The second they get close enough to see that I’m not entirely the same as them, they run. They gather their men, and their torches or pitchforks and march to my door prepared to flush me out of my own town like some pest. Like a rodent. They see me as nothing more than a termite in the walls of the great house they call a city. But I am no more than a mold inside of the foundation, rotting away at the supports until it comes crashing down upon them.

I know you’d tell me not to think of myself like that, but I can think of myself as only inanimate when put face to face with their ever-clear mortality. Just like when I was put infront of yours and I ripped it so strongly from your wide open hands. Hands that saw me in nothing more than the most feral and bloodthirsty form, and turned wide open palms towards me. You allowed me to so easily bite through cartilage, bone, and rib to eat through your sugary sweet heart like it was nothing more than candyfloss.

You’d laugh if you saw me now, I know you would. You’d say I was an idiot for thinking I could change everything on my own, when I couldn’t change anything even when I had you by my side. But I know you’d commend me for trying. I hope you’d greet me with wide open arms and that sweet smile that I haven’t seen in too many years. But really I hope you’ll be upset. You didn’t deserve what happened. I wish every day that it had been me instead of you, but I cannot change the past. You would have known what to do if you were the one who had been bitten. I don’t even know where to start.

I tried to do good, Steph. I did. But it wasn’t good enough, and all they saw were fangs, and wings, and claws. Like they always do. And in calling themselves human, I have been deemed as less than. Was I ever truly worthy of the title “human”?

I know what you’d say now, if you saw me. You’d tell me to get it out, and then to get back up, dust off my wings and keep fighting. But I’ve been fighting for so long, Gabe.. I’m so tired of fighting. I want to be done fighting. But I cannot be done until they are done fighting, and so I must get back up and resume the fight even if I’ve not much fight left in me. You were the fight I had left in me, you were my flame, you were my battle axe, the extinguishing rain on the raging fire in the forest of my soul. The nourishing sunlight after a harsh winter.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you last. It’s been over a century, Gabriel Stephen.

Almost two centuries, since we spoke last. Since I kissed you goodnight a final time.

It hurts, still. Have you ever considered that maybe all the ‘eternal life’ does if give you more time to dwell on things you’ve done wrong?

And I know you’d say something like ‘but it’s not your fault’, or ‘you weren’t in control of your body’. But.. It was, wasn’t it? Isn’t it my fault that I’m like this? And if I am the root cause for my condition, then wouldn’t it be my fault you died so gruesomely? You should have lived until you were beautiful, streaked with grey and freckled with age. But I ripped that chance straight from your throat with nothing but savage teeth and claws. I ate the life force from your palm like a starving dog left to die on the street, nurtured back to health with nothing but your gentle hand. But I destroyed you, and myself alongside.

I don’t really know what you’d say if you were next to me right now, but I know that you wouldn’t let me give up. I know you’d force me to keep going. So allow me this small reprieve, a short grace in between the fighting to sit myself next to your grave and read out one more goodbye to you.

Goodbye, goodbye.

Goodnight, sleep tight, and allow me to sing you to sleep one last time. I lay this final rose on your grave, and I know that I will see you once more next year. But for now, allow me to say goodnight. Let me honour you as you rest.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

[thequeenofthewinter]

All the Magic

A flash fiction prompt I was issued with the topic: "All the magic I have known I have had to make myself."

No warnings and rated G. This is some hurt/comfort (kind of?!), and it involves my OC Dahlia and a bit of her origin story. I sincerely hope you enjoy it if you read it.

Link to AO3

Dahlia sits at the edge of their bed, her fingers playing with a stray strand of thread which came unraveled from an old blanket.

Should she tell him? And if so, how much?

A frown forms on her face, the corners of her lips turning under themselves delicately. Her face had always been able to give her feelings away—both a blessing and a curse if you asked her. 

She sighs as she looks up at Ulfric and contemplates his question. It isn’t that she doesn’t wish to speak with her husband, rather that the topic at hand is something she had stuffed into the furthest corners of her mind, and she doesn’t wish to unearth her pain. Not right now. Not at this moment.

What was your life like before you met me?

A seemingly innocuous question, innocent and not inherently threatening in and of itself; however, it dredges up phantoms she would rather not think of.

And really, what can she tell him? It’s not as if her past life was that interesting nor is he missing out on some big part of it.

Dahlia tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “Well, I think I told you that I grew up here--” she pauses and swallows nervously, “—on the other side of the Valunstrad.”

He nods to her, indicating to her that he is listening.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever been there or—”

“I’ve seen it, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Ulfric tells her quietly, a hand finding hers to reassure her.

“I am grateful.” She turns her head slightly, looking away from him. “I had a roof over my head, and the winds didn’t whistle so much through the cracks as in other houses closer to the Snow Quarter, but it—it wasn’t much.

She chews on her lip as if trying to stop herself from saying more, but then adds a bit bitterly, “My father couldn’t afford anything more, and my mother and I did what we could. She took care of the house, and I offered my services as a tutor. I did pretty well for myself with reading and writing.”

“You went to school?” He asks, almost surprised. Of course, he knew that she eventually went to the College of Winterhold, but most of the general population does not have access to a formal education.

“My father was a guard of good standing—at least until he wasn’t, that is. But, he was invited to bring me to some of the lessons for the nobles’ children. I learned there. It was one of the few things that I remember he was able to give to me, despite all the grief he put us through…” 

Her voice trails off, not saying anything more on the subject, and Ulfric looks down at her, his eyes showing sympathy—almost pitying of her.

She refuses to look at him as she laughs humorlessly. “I studied hard. I figured that someday if I did well enough and made my parents proud, I could get a job with a good position. I started singing and between that and being able to read and write, my parents thought I could go to the Bard’s College…but, I had other plans.”

He smiles at her, squeezing her hand. “So rebellious even then.” 

“I suppose you’re right.” She smiles back at him, the barest whisper of it gracing her features. “My parents were furious. As you are aware, magic is not a very well received professional career path in Skyrim, but I took up Restoration anyway. I wanted to help. I wanted to do something. I grew up hearing stories from my father about the Great War, and its consequences.”

She shakes her head. “Little did I know my life would become this.” Dahlia gestures vaguely around her. “Dragonborn this, and destiny that. I was hefted from one destiny-determined situation to another of a very different type. Akatosh’s chosen. More expectations and more responsibilities were thrust upon me, and everyone had their own vision of me. I should act in a certain way and fit into a certain image. So, what did I do? I folded myself into the role of a hero to match what society dictated of me. I bled for it, sweated for it, cried and lost people for it. I made myself smaller and smaller, and I have to admit,” she chances a glance at him, “for a moment I lost myself.” 

One of her fists balls up in quiet rage, the timber of her voice beginning to teeter on shaking.

“Eventually, I did figure it out, and in the moments in-between, what little joy or happiness I had, I had to create for myself because who else was thinking about it? Who else could assure it? I couldn’t ask after others to bring it to me or even so much as follow my own wants or needs because it was selfish.” 

Suddenly, she lets her anger go, and it dissipates like the smoke after a fire long burnt out. Her fist then unfurls itself slowly as she retakes his hand and her eyes finally find his. “All the magic I have known, I have had to make myself.”

The sentence hangs in the air heavily, sinking into Ulfric’s stomach like a momentous bolder, as he looks down at her. His mouth opens as if to say something, but then she surprises him as she beats him to it.

“That is until I met you.”

[bytmm]

002

Life is a trip.

I remember my freshman year of high school, in 2004, Athens Olympics, Michael Phelps won his first of many gold medals, Usain Bolt didn’t qualify out of the 200 meter heat, Abby Wambach and the USWNT won gold, Manu Ginóbili and Argentina won gold. Harold & Kumar went to White Castle, Crash came out, Lost premiered, Martha Stewart went to jail, Halo 2 came out, safe to say, 2004 was eventful. 20 years later, I am now called unc, because well, that’s life and that’s time. One day you’re a tiny 14 year old freshman, before you know it, you’re 34, wondering how you can get to your goals. Replaying every mistake, overthinking the simplest shit while you’re chasing, racing, fighting against an internal clock that is ticking faster than Usain Bolt, no one can see it, but you can feel it.

Excuse my tongue but social media has fucked us up. I’ve been on apps forever, AIM, MSN, Hotel Habbo, MySpace, all of it before the ones you see today. Maybe I was young and naive but these social media apps have us all fucked up, in some way or another. As the old adage goes, comparison is a thief of joy. As I scroll, I wonder am I doing this life thing right? I got laid off from a job I loved. I am freelancing, consistently looking for a new job, getting rejected; questioning my talent, questioning myself. Am I good enough? It’s easy to go on IG, Twitter, TikTok, hell even LinkedIn or whatever have you and feel you’re behind the 8 Ball. People are “winning”, their life looks cool. Working with brands you want to work with, having opportunities that you want, you wonder what have I done wrong to not be here. Do I quit? Do I keep going? Do they see the work I have put in? Millions of thoughts along these lines.

Professionally, I feel I should be further along and it’s frustrating; bouncing around from opportunity to opportunity. You begin to internalize every job rejection, you begin to believe something is wrong with you when you get laid off. You know what you are good at but it doesn’t show. Now you’re scared to apply for jobs, scared to reach out for help. Frustrated at the world and it spills to every facet of your life. Your friendships, relationships, everything is ary. How do you show your talent to the world and ask for someone, anyone, to take a chance on you. Knowing that you can do the job and you have a unique perspective. You don’t want to share with the world and now you’re here wondering what the hell is going on.

I try to give myself grace, even writing this, it feels like the ramblings of a mad man. It’s something I’ve never done, something I vowed to never do, vent and be personal on the internet. But turning 34, I felt I wanted to share something. Someone out there might read this and take inspiration, or take anything from it. As I’ve aged, I am sure of myself, sure of where I want to be and what I want to do, personally and professionally. But the demons, the demons fight harder than Buster Douglas on Feb. 11, 1990 (look it up if you don’t get it).

I’ve reflected on my last year, hell the last decade. Love lost, love gained, friends lost, friends gained, opportunities lost, opportunities gained. Life has a way of showing you that it’s how you react and bounce back. We all go through shit, the cards are stacked against some of us harder than others. I miss some friends, I am self aware to know where I fucked up and wish the best for those people.

My relationship with God is very complex but it’s funny how things get you reading the bible and reflecting on everything. I listened to “Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers”, “Count me out” had me stuck. I never felt more vulnerable, more afraid but yet so fearless. “One of these lives, I'ma make things right With the wrongs I've done, that's when I unite With the Father, Son, 'til then, I fight.” Starting a song like that, with fresh ears, I got it. Kendrick was extremely vulnerable on this album, especially on this track. “Fuck with you from, fuck with you from a distance Some put it on the Devil when they fall short I put it on my ego, lord of all lords, Sometimes I fall for her, dawg”  has been on my spirit for months.

I’ll wrap these thoughts up shortly. Give yourself grace, don’t be hard on yourself. We are not perfect, we are human. We try, everyday. We mess up things but don’t let it define you.

Try to be your best self, everyday, we will fall short. Have empathy for your fellow human, there are some dickheads but try not to be one yourself.

In my 34 years of life, I am slowly becoming happy with who I am. There’s still work to be done.

For those of you who are in my life, my friends, my associates, my family, I love you. Thank you for guiding me. Thank you for your patience.

For those who are no longer with me, I am sorry. I still love you.

I can’t please everybody.

[alohastyles-x]

𝐦 𝐲 𝐭 𝐞 𝐚 𝐫 𝐬 𝐫 𝐢 𝐜 𝐨 𝐜 𝐡 𝐞 𝐭 - s.h.

"I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace | And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves | You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same | Cursing my name, wishing I stayed | You turned into your worst fears | And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain | Crossing out the good years | And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed | Look at how my tears ricochet"

note: this is apart of my cruel summer (Stranger things version) project, running all summer long! this was the first song I thought of doing for this project, and I just knew it had to fit with s1 steve. hope you enjoy!

Wordcount: 1.8k

trope / pairing: fem!reader x asshole!Steve (s1 Steve) | angst / hurt fic

warnings: mention of a forced kiss at a party, but no other descriptions given.

Materslist | Stranger things masterlist | Cruel Summer S.T. Version Masterlist

Silent tears rolled down your cheeks as you stood, all eyes on you. The hallway fell into hushed whispers as Steve stood before you, a ghost of a smirk on his face. This wasn’t what he had wanted, but it’s what Tommy and Carol advised was best. The public humiliation of you, that painted him the hero. 

There, behind him, taped to your locker was an image of you and Tommy, with “slut” written in red lipstick on the door. The photo was from a couple nights ago, after Tommy’s party. You were helping Tommy pick up the trash around the house, while Steve was passed out on the couch. Tommy had cornered you in the kitchen. The next thing you knew, he had his lips on yours. You pushed him away, and threw the remainder of someone's beer on him, but of course Carol didn’t get that on her camera. 

To say the two of them didn’t like you dating Steve was a vast understatement… and some days you debated if even Steve liked you. This only further proved that insecurity, as they stood before you, staring you down. 

“Do you have anything to say for yourself?” Steve asked, hurt. He was hoping you would apologize, and beg for him to take you back.  

But you just looked at him, trying your best to stand straighter, to act like this didn’t feel like death itself. There was no coming back from this. The finality of what he had just done felt so similar to the finality of death. You wiped the tears that fell from your eyes, and squared your shoulders. 

“No.”

It came out firm, unwavering. It was what you needed to say, to get him to realize the consequences of his decision. He hadn't even confronted you before this. There was no getting back together in a week after this like before. 

It was done. 

The hallway rumbled with whispers, as if everyone else also realized the finality of it all. A martyr's death before them. 

You saw the hurt flash in his eyes, as you turned and headed towards the doors. The tether between you two had frayed and snapped with the single word uttered from your lips. 

“Fuck you!” Steve yelled, the humiliation surrounding him as you walked away from him, in front of the entire school. 

The crowd in the hallway dispersed, heading to their classes. Tommy and Carol laughed, tugging Steve away from your locker, but he stood still. 

As he turned around to face your locker, the red writing hitting him hard in the gut. Guilt rolled over him, and he instantly got nauseous. 

“You guys go, I’m gonna clean this up,” Steve said.

“What? Come on, leave it. Everyone deserves to know what she did.” Carol scoffed. 

“Not like this!” Steve yelled. A clarity washed over him as he watched the way Carol and Tommy exchanged a look. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Nothing!” Carol said quickly, scurrying off, with Tommy close behind her. Steve shook his head and turned back to the photo. 

Staring at it, he noticed something he hadn’t seen at first. Your hand balled in a fist, pushing Tommy’s arm away from your shoulder. He had thought you were grabbing Tommy, but it was just the opposite. Rage and hurt boiled inside, as he put the pieces together. How Carol just so conveniently got this on her camera, how you didn’t even bother to explain yourself.  

Why had none of this occurred to him before? 

He slammed his fist against the locker, setting the picture free to flutter to the floor. 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he yelled, running his hands through his hair. He was going to kill Tommy for what he did to you, and for what he just did to Steve- setting him up for failure. It killed him, knowing he hurt you worse than  anyone had before him. 

He sank against the locker, his head in his hands as he tried his hardest to wash the feelings away. 

Outside, you were headed into the woods, to a spot where you and your friends congregated. The tears were freely flowing now, broken sobs escaping as you sped walked. You hugged yourself tighter, trying your best to self-soothe. 

Eddie was already sitting at the bench, waiting for you. He had heard what happened and immediately went to your spot, knowing you’d escape there. He had stolen Dustin’s lunch box too, so that you would have snacks and a drink waiting. 

He heard your broken sobs before he saw you, the heartbreak devastatingly drenching your aura. 

“He’s a fucking ass, y/n, and you desereve better,” he said immediately, getting his thoughts out of the way so he could comfort you properly.

You climbed onto the table next to him and let it all out. The fear, the pain, all of it was excruciating.  Your head found his shoulder, and his arm wrapped around you tightly. He hated seeing you like this, knowing there was nothing he could do to make you feel better. 

He remembered the lunch box behind him and grabbed it. 

“I, uh, stole this from Dustin. He usually has the good snacks.” Eddie said, passing the lunch box to you. Sniffling, you took it and placed it in your lap, carefulling unzipping it. 

Inside lay a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a bag of chips, and some fruit snacks. You looked up at Eddie with a face that read ‘really?’. 

“Okay, I swear he really does! Of course today is the one day he doesn’t,” he rolled his eyes, frustrated with his little friend. 

You started laughing. The gesture was so kind and so out of character for Eddie, that it not going his way is entirely on brand for him. Once you started laughing, you couldn’t stop… Eddie eyed you curiously, before starting to snicker himself. 

The two of you were interrupted by the sounds of crunching leaves, and soon Steve’s face appeared from behind some trees. You straightened instantly, nauseous at the sight of him. How dare he, you thought to yourself, gripping Dustin’s lunchbox. 

Eddie stood, meeting Steve at the edge of the little clearing. He was beyond pissed to see him here, already knowing exactly what Steve was about to try and do. The same thing he always did… do something dumb, and then come back five minutes later to end things. Eddie was tired of seeing you hurt. He never had admitted it, for fear of losing your friendship, but he had loved you for a while now. He tried his best to stay supportive, and to be on your side… but this was a final straw. 

“What are you doing here Harrington?” Eddie asked, stopping Steve before he could get any closer to you. Steve didn’t even bother glaring at him like he would usually do. He just looked defeated… hurt. 

“I wanted to apologize. I was in the wrong,” Steve said, loud enough for you to hear. You looked up, shocked. Steve was never the one to apologize first. 

“You think?” Eddie scoffed. 

“Look, y/n… I want to know what happened that night. After you left, I looked at the photo more closely, and I… I realized that Tommy and Carol lied, or at least I think they did.”

“Steve… are you serious?” You whispered, completely taken aback by his statement. “You believed those two idiots instantly, without even giving me any credit. You automatically assumed I would cheat on you with the one person I hate the most in this world, all because of a very convenient photo that was taken.” 

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Steve attempted to move closer to you, but Eddie pushed further against his chest stopping him. Steve glanced at Eddie who just shook his head. 

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.” You said, setting Dustin’s lunch box down and standing up. 

“Y/N, please…” Steve pleaded, but Eddie cut him off. 

“Leave Harrington. She said she didn’t want to talk to you right now.” 

“No! I’m not giving up that easily. You think I don’t know? The way you look at her? The way you’re conveniently always there when we fight!” Steve yelled, his face turning red with anger. 

“It’s called being a friend, dumbass! I know that notion is foreign to you, seeing as you have none!” Eddie yelled right back. 

“Fuck you, dude!” Steve yelled back. They were five seconds away from physically fighting each other, each bucking up to the other, waiting for the first punch to be thrown. 

“Steve!” You shouted, cutting both of their attention to you, their eyes wide. “Why don't you do what you didn’t do the first time and actually listen to me. Leave.” 

The final word hit deep Steve with a force of a thousand knives, the finality settling deep in his bones. His eyes sunk as he dropped his arms and slowly turned to leave. He didn’t dare look back as a sob rustled through the trees after him. 

Weeks had passed since the breakup, and neither of you were doing any better. Your grades had dropped, and his focus on Tommy and Carol was almost nonexistent by this point. You noticed he had befriended Dustin Hendersen and his goons, after seeing them all in the hallway. The kids had frantically run up to him screaming about something you couldn’t make out and then they were gone out the school doors. 

It was endearing the way he handled them, almost as if they were his own kids. The idea brought a smile to your face, as you remembered a time when the two of you had once discussed your future. He had always wanted kids - a minivan full of them. The sense of longing that crept up as you reminisced made your stomach nauseous. 

“Why did you have to be so stupid Steve?” You whispered to yourself, shutting your locker door and heading out of the school. 

Steve and the goons were still in the parking lot. The kids were arguing over which way to go, but Steve had stopped listening. The sound of the door opening caught his attention, and he turned to see you walking towards the entrance of the school. You were wearing his favorite sweater on you, the lilac color standing out against your hair, which you had styled the way he liked. 

His heart ached, yearning for you to be near him again. To smell your perfume and your hair. To hear the sweet sound of your voice that always sounded like it was laced with honey and dipped in sugar.  

“Steve!” Dustin yelled, his voice cracking at his loud register. The kids had already climbed in his car and were waiting for him. 

“Alright alright, calm down,” he muttered, stealing one last glance before walking to the driver's side door. 

| Feedback is greatly appreciated |

[theclaravoyant]

AN ~ An angsty oneshot, inspired by @spindlesaurus-rex egging me on about some Ideas i have been having ... this is planned to be a Part 1 of 2.

features Aziraphale and Metatron (go to hell amen), Aziracrow heavy. Crowley As Trans Allegory themes bc i cannot help myself <3 Read on AO3 (~1000wd) **contains spoilers for S2**

Olive Branch

Somewhere in heaven, there is a mural of three doves attacking a crow.

Aziraphale used to love this mural. Once upon a time, it had filled him with a sense of strength and mission. It had stood for victory of the powers of light, of truth, of good over evil. The teamwork of the smaller doves to overcome their larger, more powerful nemesis had reminded him that goodness did not stand alone against the dark. Looking at it now, though, his eyes trace the lines of those big black wings - both bent upward from a body in freefall, having been driven from the sky - and he wonders belatedly: who is coming to help the crow?

There is a sound behind him, scarcely more than a rush of air, and he tries not to jump (it’s still far too quiet up here). Of course, it’s the Metatron, because apparently these days the Supreme Archangel can barely take a proverbial piss, let alone get lost daydreaming of ecclesiastical dilemmas, without supervision.

“There you are,” the Metatron says, stepping up alongside Aziraphale and handing him a coffee as if they are wandering a museum together rather than stalking and being stalked. “‘The Fall.’ Magnificent, isn’t it?”

Barbaric, is what Aziraphale wants to say. Instead he smiles and says - “Quite.”

The Metatron takes a long, deliberately drawn out sip from his coffee. Innocently observing the magnificent massacre. But even without those ageless eyes on his, Aziraphale feels distinctly trapped. He is a fly, waiting for the right moment to break free of the web - if he even can, and trying is probably a death sentence - and so he stares blankly at the perfect blue and the smallness of the doves and pleads with himself for patience. For strength.

“Did Crowley ever tell you,” the Metatron asks, “what it was like?”

(Please tell me you said no.)

Aziraphale clenches his jaw and doesn’t answer. Every miniscule quake in Crowley’s voice slices into him. He’d been so excited to drag him back here. To this.

“You knew each other, didn’t you?” the Metatron pushes. “Before all that.”

“Only in passing.” 

“Well, naturally.”

The Metatron gives a little scoff, and it feels like salt, like acid in Aziraphale’s wounds. Is this what he’d sounded like to Crowley, ever distancing himself from those people, from bad company, as if Crowley wasn’t one of them? Like it was only right that a perfect little angel not allow himself to be tainted, even at the end, when Crowley was trying to tell him-.

“Is that why you insist on calling him Crowley?”

Curse him, his gaze snaps askance at that. It’s the tiniest movement, just for a second, but it’s as good at giving himself away as grabbing the Metatron’s shoulders and shouting in his face, what is that supposed to mean? The Metatron raises his eyebrows, in an exaggerated and clearly over-acted impression of surprise.

“He’s never told you, has he? His name.”

“His name is Crowley.”

The Metatron sighs and waves a hand. “Yes, yes, of course it is. But his angelic name. His God-given name. His name as it is Written.”

Aziraphale draws himself up to meet the Metatron’s eyes. 

“No. He’s never told me. And I’ve never asked.”

“Does it ever bother you?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“But Crowley is a demon’s name. Surely, you’d wish to grace the one you love with their true name, hm?”

Love. That stings. Aziraphale feels a hot flash of rage, that the Metatron dared put it to words before he had. Of course, many have danced around it, and dangled it before him. They have used it to praise and empathise, to mock and threaten… but it’s never felt quite like this before. Like a deliberate twist of a knife through his heart.

“If Crowley wants me to call him by a different name,” Aziraphale finally manages, “he need only say so.”

“Ah, but there’s the rub, dear Aziraphale,” the Metatron says, and his smile is too benevolent for the malice in his eyes. “What if he does not know it?”

“Why would he not know his own-”

Aziraphale’s tongue all of a sudden freezes up. Cold horror sinks into him like water into concrete; like it wants to take the atoms of him apart. He thinks of a fly and a box and a naked man on his doorstep. This lot want their Archangel back so they can fire him, Crowley had said. And Crowley had been a lot worse than fired.

“He hasn’t even told you that, has he? That he has been having memory trouble,” the Metatron muses. “Hm. Don’t suppose it’s a surprise, though. One can hardly be expected to divulge such secrets to the other side.”

Aziraphale’s eyes sting with tears. He can hardly breathe through them but his corporation insists on doing so anyway. It gives him away, sloppy and miserable, the strength he’s braced into himself finally starting to crack. He wills himself to hold it in - he’d always known it after all, that there was never a their own side. But that’s not even the worst of it; no, what he really can’t bear is knowing that Crowley suffered, so unspeakably much, and didn’t think it was appropriate - maybe even safe - maybe even his deepest heart’s desire to share in it. He’d called Crowley nearly every day for years, nattering on about concert tickets and this ruddy stain in the carpet and a particularly beautiful duck when what he should have said was, Tell me what you remember about making the stars.

“Oh, Aziraphale,” the Metatron sighs, dripping with false sympathy. “It’s not your fault. It’s in his nature.” 

“You don’t know anything about his nature.” It’s all he can trust himself to say, but the Metatron appears unfazed by the fact that he’s just barely holding back an ocean over here. He makes a bemused little humming sound and draws something from the pocket of his jacket.

“As it turns out, neither do you.” He pauses a beat, to let it dangle before Aziraphale.

It’s a pendant small enough to fit in his hand. A little glass vial on a golden chain - or at least, it appears to be glass, and it appears to be gold - and inside it, a tiny sprig of olive leaves in what he has to assume is holy water. It’s so small. Too small. He can hardly believe the vastness that is Crowley would fit into something so… precious.

“... Would you like to?”

[clover-writes-poetry]

"promise"

i spent so much time with your head in my lap i forgot what it felt like when it wasn’t there 

maybe i should’ve held onto the wisps of you that were stuck to my sweater and kept them a box inside my heart 

i think i’ll be forever chasing the feeling i left on your back patio two years ago in some version of the past 

the last time i really slept was in your sheets staring up at the constellation of your face  

i find an excuse to bring you up at every chance i get 

mentioning you to the cashier at 7/11, telling my grandma about your latkes 

even when your jaw slipped from my fingers like sand from an hourglass 

and under the cover of night i still listen to songs you like and wish i could banish myself to go live in the field behind the graveyard 

among the skeletons and the dead flowers 

do you ever think about the flowers i gave you that sat on your windowsill for 3 months? 

sometimes i wonder if you look at them while you brush your hair in the morning in front of the photos of us stuck to your mirror 

almost identical to the ones on the corkboard in the kitchen 

breakfast at 7 am, your voice in my ear, the rush that came with boiling water, our favorite plates on the drying rack 

i miss you when you’re next to me and i wish i could reach out to tell you that 

imaginary fingers choke the back of my neck and i settle for watching you make dinner instead 

i loved it when you cooked, i told you that once 

you shrunk away from my voice and went back into the kitchen  

but i could see your face light up in the reflection of the white tile 

when you came home after work with a blue toaster i knew i was done for 

a week later i found us teacups on someone's doorstep 

we put on a record we didn’t care about, and you had your hair tied up in the kitchen 

making a pasta dish we’d had 100 times 

i poured the wine into our mugs, toasting to your hips as i raised my fork to yours 

in the dining room i’d eat your weapons first because i have always been disarming  

with your armor gone maybe you would let it be me who got to hold your hand under the table as if someone was watching us  

we said grace for our own religion and when i opened my eyes your hand was resting on my plate 

that night i put up a shrine to your name in the corner of our living room 

you laughed when i made heart cookies and they turned out as misshapen lumps  

pressing a kiss into my cheek you assured me they were just as good  

i used the nice jam we bought at the farmers market in midtown  

lines blurred between love and need as we spent all weekend writing the laws of our new country  

were you laughing when we walked around the city for three hours trying to find your favorite ramen place? 

i don’t remember but in the photo sitting on my dresser you were smiling, mouth full of noodles, eyes bright with joy 

when i signed the check, you made fun of how i write my ys and i snaked an arm around your waist in a way that seemed almost overfamiliar 

months later i stand in our bedroom door and pretend that i know a thing about love and anger and you 

i think this is what they wrote about, when i read that love is falling 

because i don’t know where the floor is 

because i know it’ll hurt when we hit the ground 

at one point i promised myself that i could be a person without you 

[i broke that promise 3 months and 2 years later when i lay on the cold tile floor and cried]

[savage-rhi]

I got beaten up on Christmas day by a family member I trusted. I’m now just getting over it. The situation was unexpected. It undid some progress, and I feel grateful I’ve been able to bounce back as quickly as I did. If I didn’t have therapy when I got it years ago, I could’ve easily fell back into my old self. Physically, I’m okay. Nothing was broken. 

The fibromyalgia flares have been heavy. It’s painful to move and difficult to type, much less other activities I enjoy. I’m chipping away little by little on writing projects, requests, and other things I’m passionate about. It doesn’t feel like I’m getting much done compared to where I was in November. I know when winter goes away and it gets warm again, I’ll feel better cause I’m used to this cycle by now, but it’s a long wait. It’s hard to have patience when you’re ambitious. I’m trying to give myself more grace. 

I think I’ve entered the dead zone of the year, where not much gets done besides the basics like work, chores, maybe one major activity/pursuit then bed. I appreciate the people that stick around in whatever capacity during this time cause I know I don’t have much to offer. 

It’s hard being undermined at a job because of your age. People automatically assume you don’t understand certain traumas and other horrible shit because they “don’t see you” going through something like that, but...you did. You did and that’s why you try and connect with others hurting so they can get to the good again; so that they don’t suffer like you did. Maybe they don’t have to learn too late what their worth was. Maybe they won’t have to grow up so damn fast like you did. Being an adult in the body of a 6-7 year old for survival is special hell. 

I definitely like kids better than most adults. They see through bullshit clearly. Many folks lose that edge when they get older. I’m happy I get to work with them on their mental health in the capacity I have. I’m glad some of my peers respect my training, experience, and tact. I’m glad I have a few clients for my peer support business too. I’d like more stability and more people there. 

I have two bachelor degrees. An associates. Several certifications, and playing with the idea of getting another degree down the road. On one hand it feels right, on the other, it feels like a waste of time and money. The years I put into the previous stuff hasn’t gotten me much anywhere. I’m not in the field I studied and trained for originally. Unless I move out of the area, I don’t stand a chance but you gotta have a stable income and a living wage to move. It’s hard. Its really hard for most folks. I know I’m not alone. Pretty much my whole generation is in the same boat along with those younger. I was homeless last year for the second time in my life. I’m happy where I’m at but again...ambition. I want to do so much and accomplish so much, but my body can’t keep up and I gotta play ball with the powers that be outside of my control. 

The pandemic definitely threw a hard wrench in some life plans for sure. 

I get lonely. I drift.

I’m thankful I can keep doing what I can, but I wish I could hibernate until March.

I got a lot on my mind. A lot happens at a million miles a second. 

I’m happy I’m not getting hate mail anymore. 

I love and appreciate many. I hope they know that even if I don’t speak or talk much. I hope they feel my atoms vibing for theirs. 

Somehow if by the grace of the gods you read through all this barf, please treat yourself to something nice. A cookie. A piece of cake. A movie. Pounce your lover like a tiger. Idk. Fuck around and find out generously. 

We got this. Somehow we got this. 

[calypso-finale]

Hundred Sixteen. Part 8

I woke up in a jolt, like I was gasping for air and I hate that shit because who the hell is trying to kill me but then it hit me, I am in this bedroom alone. Just trying to kill myself really, I sighed out. I just got woken up now for what in the middle of the night, reaching over and grabbing my phone. I hate being alone when really I have a man, and I do miss him. I am not shocked that I woke up like that because I fell asleep still thinking about why Oakley was even in that bar, that is really annoying me because why. I don’t know what he is doing really, I did text him goodnight, but he hasn’t text me back which has pissed me off now, my dad has text me and whatever but who the hell was at my front door, let’s hope Tianna could get back in. I was in bed by that time so I didn’t catch up with her at all “shit” I got these notification from the door and gate, what if Tianna couldn’t get back in and I just slept through it, this was a whole hour ago. Tapping on the video “huh” this is Oakley driving through, tapping on the front door camera, and seeing him just pressing the buzzer, fast forwarding the camera footage and he is just there for ages, then he sat down on the step. I pressed play because who is this other guy on my property, squinting my eyes “oh” that is my neighbour, was Oakley being loud, they seem to be talking for a while. Maybe Oakley was being loud, this is crazy he was here for a whole hour just sat outside “fuck” I was knocked out asleep, my neighbour walked out but then he is still sat there, fast forward. I wish he didn’t leave my gate open like that too, why didn’t he close it behind him though, that is weird. Pressing play and Oakley tried again, I can’t believe I slept through that, let me call him because what the fuck is he doing, he ignored my message but came here so why. Pressing my phone to my ear as it rang out, I know him he would just not pick up now but that worries me “dick” let me ask Wadz where he is, he always knows where he is, I feel so bad really because he clearly wanted to see me “what’s up” Wadz answered “hey Wadz, are you with Oakley?” I need to know now “erm he just left to go to the apartment like five minute ago” so he is still rushing around “how did he seem? He was outside my home, and I never answered, I mean it’s like three in the morning, so I was asleep” it’s late “out of it, he just not good. He’s gone now, maybe you can catch him” this is crazy “thanks” I just said.

I text Grace, she is staying over anyways, she has been because things haven’t been plain sailing in which who is taking care of Aziel now and then, so I said just stay over so she is, I text to deal with Aziel because I am in the middle of the night in an Uber to go and see Oakley, I even text Ti saying I had to leave. I honestly hope and pray he is here because I can’t be chasing him around like that “here miss” the guy said “thank you” I said getting out of the car, I hate roaming around London in the middle of the night because it can be creepy, but I am glad he lives in a better part, imagine he didn’t. Watch him not open the door for me because that is just Oakley all over. Looking at the number going up as I am in the lift, I feel he won’t answer but at least I tried but I wish I woke up. How I just wake up in a jolt, but I couldn’t wake up for him that was trying to get into the home, so annoying. Knocking on the door, that sounded so much like a police knock but I need him to answer the door. I didn’t even read the message from my dad, I need to check on that really “come on Oakley” I knocked again, I know he will be awake because he is just roaming around “yes” I said I can hear the locks, the door opened “I am sorry I didn’t answer” I said to him, he looks so relieved like his face softened and his facial features softened “it’s late” he said “I didn’t know you was outside the house, I needed to see you” he put his head down “I am here now” walking into him, he is crying already, I feel so bad.

My mom is right though, this apartment looks like a man cave, a mess too really “come, sit down” I said to him, he just looked at me “I didn’t know you would come” smiling at him “you’re my man, Oakley I love you and I want to be here for you, so come and tell me why you came?” I need him to talk to me “I needed to see you, just I missed you” smiling at him “and I missed you too, so that is why I came, you should have said. You just ran off at the bar, which made me sad” he rubbed his face “oh man, I am just tired. Like everything is just shit, like having to be happy and be there for everyone, being asked for things, like why” he said “listen to me Oakley, tell me what is upsetting you the most?” he made his way over to me, he sat down “just shit, like I have money, I do but I work so hard for it, I appreciate the money I make because I make it independently and that shit is hard, I work fucking hard and nobody appreciates that when they ask for money from me, when I am feeding the family, when I am doing all this shit. So I don’t like when people tell me what I should do, I just buried my dad, I am tired and fed up and you tell me it’s the best time to work, I just finished working. I want peace, but then I look in my bank and I spent more then I should have, I have missing money or maybe it was me. I handle my own money; I get paid right. I get paid cash, I put bags here” he got up “here, look” he grabbed this suitcase, he threw it down and opened it “I have money in here, I had bags” seeing the one bag “missing you know” I frowned “so you go to the events and get paid yeah, why haven’t you put this in the bank, why have you had it here like this?” he looked at me “because the banks are pagans, they are taking my fucking money from me too” you know it hit me like deja-vu with what Ana said about his money “who has access to this Oakley, there is you and who else? You have had boys here, just roaming around it can be anyone taking this you know that, who has access to the accounts Oakley?” he hasn’t answered me “YB, but motherfucker I am a millionaire, but I ain’t seeing that shit properly” I sighed out “just hear me out ok, it will work itself out. Not only have you been paying out for things you also need to keep the upkeep of your team, independent isn’t fucking cheap and you know that, it’s hard. Just listen to me, we will find out what happened to the money” he is so irritated “together” he closed the suitcase “you ain’t in a trap house Oakley, fuck. I told you to act your pay” he put his head down.

Least I know that this is what has been stressing him out, I mean of course when it comes to money it does stress you out, I mean he showed me his account that he isn’t broke, which he really isn’t but there is missing money from there which we can figure out of course “Rylee every time I just, oh my god. Like Every time I relax my mind, I want to just relax I fucking see my dad like that, like why did that happen to me, so I am just reliving a constant fucking nightmare, I don’t want to sleep because of it. I don’t want this” he shook his head “I know you don’t, this ain’t you. Look I want you to move back with me, as much as you are lonely but so am I, I want you back” Oakley shook his head “ok but did you not sleep with me there” he is being stubborn “no man, I just want to do right by you Rylee just give me time please bro, please just give me time” he pleaded with me “baby listen to me, I don’t care. I just want you to be ok, listen to me. I can give you all the time you want. I just need you to listen to me, look at you. You’re worrying me, come on” he face planted onto my shoulder “please just go” he wants me to go, of course he does “once you sleep I will” I lied, I ain’t going anywhere until he is ok “I told my mom to fuck off, she tell you. But I am telling, I told her to fuck off the stupid bitch, and that she is useless, and I said a lot. Man, I need to apologise really” so he said more then what she told me “your mom will forgive you, just let’s lay down and you get some rest” he needs to rest his mind, he is one hundred right now.

Oakley fell asleep, after ranting and just speaking on shit most of it but he fell asleep, I mean of course he was going to sleep with me, he was fighting it but he failed, then I slipped off the couch. And he’s asleep still on there, he moved a lot though, like his body jerks randomly, he is stressed out, but I have been cleaning his apartment since, the mess of this place is disgusting. How can such a small place have such a mess, whippets everywhere too but it makes sense as Oakley hasn’t been having Aziel over really, he comes to me so like this makes sense. I have found his weed stash too, he ain’t slick and I got that in a safe place, he isn’t slick with all this. He has random money placed everywhere, he doesn’t need to live like this, and I’ve told him this so many times but I can tell he’s had boys here that aren’t his friend, I just know it and it’s not good and I’m not happy. Breaking my back to clean this, he needs to fix up because fuck Neil, I don’t care that man is not good at all and I am mad with my dad too because he needed him in this moment, he was so invested in blaming others, just stupid. I huffed out hearing someone knocking, I wish they shut the fuck up really because I want him to sleep. Opening the door “oh, is Cench here” I don’t know this man, or these men seeing from behind him, there is a few I do know or well seen them around to be honest “he is asleep” I said “oh what? We going on holiday though?” Raising an eyebrow “oh sweetie he isn’t going anywhere, he isn’t going to be going anywhere with you boys, so have a good one” they can fuck off, they ain’t taking Oakley anywhere when he is like this “oh hold on now” he stopped me from closing the door “aye, leave it. Back off bro” he is the guy that got Oakley from the bar that day “it’s cool, sorry for bothering you” he said, I slammed the door shut and I ran to put his phone on mute, he isn’t going on that holiday them nasty boys prepared this. That isn’t happening really because the state he is in right now, it’s not good. Putting my hand in his pocket and getting his phone out from there, putting the phone on silent “good” I said to myself.

Answering Ti call “damn, I literally wanted to tell you about yesterday and now you’re not here” I feel bad “I honestly wanted to be there, but Tianna, I haven’t even brushed my teeth, I am a mess, I haven’t ate. I can just smell bleach and cleaning products. I’m with Oakley, he’s not doing well but he’s asleep, oh god. Let me answer the door but god yeah, you watch the camera footage, he came to the home at the night” looking into the peephole because last time it was his weird friends but it’s YB “I’ll call you back ok, love you” disconnecting the call and opened the door “where is that motherfucker” YB just swore and I’m here in shock “now hold on, why?” He is big mad “he sent me a whole bunch of shit, called me calling me names saying I am stealing his money, that motherfucker. Rylee not your fault” he barged by me, what has Oakley done now, I just sighed out closing the door “oi, hey. Wake up” I guess he is awake now “you got a problem, a fucking death wish. Get up now” walking into the living room, Oakley is half asleep of course but he got up “I told you to put the phone down, how dare you blame me for taking your money! Listen here right, you took a large sum of that for your dad, and don’t fucking forget you independent you still have people to pay! You still have to hire A&Rs you know this, I have to pay people for shit! Wake up Oakley, the cash you get that is on you because I tell you to put it in the bank but what do you do!? Talking to me, telling me to government can’t get this but your boys that were here can, you blame when I do everything! You’re in this state over a man that couldn’t raise you! Now I am telling you Oakley, you take that shit and digest it but do not come for me saying I did it and cuss me out! You like a son to me motherfucker, you talking that I did shit! You had to bury your dad, you took so much out, wake up!!” YB is so mad “I think he gets it” I said “he doesn’t because he still sat there stupid, he needs to fix up. Don’t come for me again, come back to me Oakley bring you” YB doesn’t want to hear him “Rylee you sort him out” why is everyone putting this on me to do “ok” I just said, what else can I say, they all looking to me to fix Oakley, but he isn’t saying much but ranting. The door banged close, watching him get up from the couch “I need the bathroom” he said “it’s ok” I said to him “come here” I made my way over to him “baby it’s ok” I knew he wanted to cry, I felt it “let it out” wrapped my arms around him “it’s ok” rubbing his back.

Oakley sat down once he took forever in the bedroom “you didn’t need to clean the house” he makes me so sad, I hate this “I’ll be ok now, you can go” I frowned “oh no, sorry. I am staying now” I laughed “no but seriously, I am staying. And you’re not going on that boys holiday” he shook his head “I don’t want too either” his voice broke “stop it” he is so sad, moving to him and grabbing the side of his face as I kissed his cheek “baby it’s ok, I am here” he nodded his head “how much is left in that one bag you got left? How much was there originally” I need to know really because what the fuck “I don’t remember, I did some appearances and the paid cash overseas. I went and changed to British pounds, I don’t know” he shrugged “I need figures!” I shouted at him because this is stupid “I don’t know, it was just club events and I think it’s like over hundred thousand there possibly, I don’t know I never counted it” I huffed out “I am telling you now you have less than that. Why did you blame YB?” I asked him as I got up “because he has access to the account you know; I just see it as him but he is right. I have bills to pay, record label I don’t have so yeah. They ain’t going to pay it right” opening the case “so did all your friends know this was here” he shrugged but they would have “god, Oakley. This ain’t going to be touching anything to the one hundred, oh my” this is nothing “why wouldn’t you put it in the bank!” I spat “government be taking shit” I laughed “well babe they would have taken less than your friends!” I shouted “once I count this you’re going to put this in the bank, I am mad with you” he gets me so mad like why the hell would you keep that kind of money around and for people to take, just crazy to me.

I am in the car currently waiting on him to come out of the bank, Ti wants to fill me in but she knows my mind is elsewhere really “what are you thinking of doing though” Ti asked “you know this man literally allowed people to take money from him, he is left with just thirty thousand out of the money he made, I don’t know Ti. I can’t leave him; I think I’m going to take him away for a few days. Can I ask you to take care of Aziel for me, I am sorry. I can’t take him, I just need him to be helped, I don’t want him to escalate either” I hope she will do it “Damson said like he felt his friend was off, so go for it. I will have TT baby of course but are you ok. Bitch I hear your stomach right now” I groaned out “I am so hungry, oh god. I am so stressed out. I think I am going to take him away but where?” I am so confused “Iceland” Ti popped out “it has a lot of spa things, it’s peaceful. Just you both and talk to each other and maybe if needs be he can talk to someone” that could be a thing “I am so mad with dad, like he needed him. He needed that male figure in his life, and he loves dad, I am so mad with him” Oakley is back, looks more annoyed then before “I will see you; I will be coming back so yeah. Speak soon, he is back ok” I disconnected the call “they are trying to call the police on me, I need to get proof. In my backpack my passport is in there” I groaned out “seriously!?” I spat, he pointed at the bank “oh my god, didn’t you take ID with you?” he shook his head “just my card you know, they saying it’s big cash” getting out of the car “I am sick and tired. And hungry” slamming the door shut, they are there gawking like they don’t know who he is “come” I said to him, he locked the car door “you telling me you don’t know who he is?” I laughed; the security just stared at me “who is denying him!” I spat walking in, the whole bank went silent “you’re telling me you don’t know who Central Cee is?” the guy made his way over “we don’t want no drama here, we have to do these checks and he was acting off with us, then he got mad with us. I can assure you we do know but we needed proof” looking at Oakley “we can sort this out, just he was being irate. Mr Cesar-Su are you ok for us to talk now and not argue, we have to do our job” I bet he did, shaking my head “come, I am here now. Let’s go” he is driving me crazy.

Ti looked at Oakley and then me “you feed my sister?” she asked, “yeah I did, I don’t want to see Aziel” he said “why?” is he crazy “nah bruh, nah. I am not good, he ain’t like me. I don’t want it” staring at him “then go in the car, I will be back. He can see you if you don’t go” Ti pulled a face “that is sad, he loves you” Oakley literally ran off, as he left Aziel appeared “I found you!” he said “yes you found me, I am sorry. Mommy hasn’t been around has she” he shook his head “I miss you” I cooed out “I miss you too but” I got down onto my knees “Aziel, I know you’re not going to like this but mommy has to do something very important but that means I will not be here, and TT will be here, I promise you it’s something that will make us happy, all of us. All three of us” he frowned “so you leave me?” now this makes me sad “I have too for a few days, but I will be back, I will call you every day. TT will be here, she said she will take you out” he looked at Ti “I want you” he hugged me “baby I want you too, I just have to go away for a few days, I know you can be a big boy” wrapping my arms around him “what about me?” this boy is breaking my heart “and baby everyone here loves you! Mommy is so sorry, I am baby” Ti poked her bottom lip out, he knows something is off and he don’t like it, I know he will be ok, his dad that needs me.

[razieltwelve]

Pancakes and Chocolate (Final Rose x House of the Dragon

“What are these?” Aemma asked. “They smell wonderful.”

Viserys agreed. The... flat, pastry-like dish smelled wonderful. “Is this another one of your inventions, professor?”

The professor smiled warmly. “Yes, Your Grace. It is called a pancake because it is kind of like a cake and flat like a pan.” She beckoned them to the breakfast table. “I made them myself, and I think you and your family will enjoy them.”

As they all sat, Viserys noted that there was a little jug full of a strange liquid that was somewhere between gold and brown. The professor made a big show of putting butter on one of the pancakes, pouring the liquid on it, and then eating it.

“As you can see, it’s perfectly safe.” She grinned. “In fact, it’s rather delightful.” She moved to Aemma’s side. “Here, you look hungry, Your Grace. Allow me to prepare your portion.”

A few moments later, Aemma raised her fork to her lips. The sound that followed was distinctly not for others to hear. Across the table, Daemon stopped and stared, and Viserys felt his face grow hot. The children, at least, were mercifully unaware of how inappropriate the sound was.

“It’s... it’s incredible.” Aemma blinked. “Viserys, you have to try this.” She eagerly prepared him a slice of the pancake, copying what Vanille had done before raising it to his lips.

A second later, Viserys was forced to agree. The... pancake was wickedly delicious. The soft, fluffy texture, the smooth, creaminess of the butter... and the... the...

“It’s called maple syrup, Your Grace,” Vanille said, nodding at the jug. “It’s something else I came up with.”

“It is magnificent.” Viserys was already reaching for another slice. “Daemon, you and the children must try this!”

Similar reactions were soon had by all as Vanille calmly ate the pancake she’d prepared earlier.

“I must ask,” Aemma said as even little Baelon enjoyed some pancake. “How is this made?”

“The pancake itself is not that difficult to make. I’ve already shared the recipe with the cook in charge of breakfast as well as a few, select associates of mine. If you can make bread, you can make a pancake. As for the maple syrup... that is actually something I want to discuss with you, Your Grace.”

“Oh?” Viserys raised one eyebrow.

“It might actually help out with the... coolness we’ve been experiencing from the North.”

Now, Viserys forced himself to stop eating his pancake to focus his attention on his Hand. Ever since taking over after Otto had died, Vanille had proven more than equal to the task. She combined her immense intellect with a level of cunning that would have been terrifying if he hadn’t be completely certain of her loyalty. As it was, she had set about rapidly improving the kingdom at his behest and strengthening the position of House Targaryen.

“This maple syrup is actually comes from the sap of the maple tree.”

“Truly?” Viserys added more syrup to his pancake. The texture and smell of it were delightful, not to mention the taste. “I didn’t think tree sap would taste so good.”

“I wouldn’t recommend using the sap of any other tree. Maple trees are special... and they only really grow in significant quantities in the North.”

“Ah.” Viserys could see it now. “So if we wished to get more maple syrup, we would have to get it from the North.”

“I intend to spread pancakes and other dishes that use maple syrup to the public,” Vanille explained. “You can add it to all kinds of things like vegetables and meat, all cooked in a variety of ways. If it becomes as popular as I hope, the North stands to profit very handsomely.”

“And we could use the supply of maple syrup as a way of strengthening the bonds between the Iron Throne and the North.” Viserys nodded to himself. “The North cannot easily transport goods south. Yet with our backing, they stand to make a most handsome profit. House Stark, if I recall correctly, has many maple trees on their lands.”

“You are correct, Your Grace. If we allow the Dragon and Fox Trading Company to oversee the transport, we would make coin hand over fist. Of course, we could also bring House Velaryon into this. I know you have wished to make peace with them for some time, and our recent dealings with them have certainly improved relations. Offering this additional trading opportunity combined with a chance for Laena and Laenor to study here in the capital with your children and Prince Daemon’s would, I think, greatly improve relations.”

Viserys could see it now. Corlys Velaryon was a proud man. He had hoped to put himself on the throne beside Rhaenys. When that hope had been dashed, he had tried to get his son on the throne. Viserys did not blame him. He would have done much the same in his place. Yet their once frosty relationship had thawed. The prosperity that the Dragon and Fox Trading Company had brought to both House Targaryen and House Velaryon had done much to soothe the old hurts.

Vanille’s growing academy had already begun to make waves with the skills of her students becoming renowned. Many nobles and craftsmen clamoured for their children to learn under her, but she had thus far personally tutored only members of the royal family, in addition to those who demonstrated the intellect required to join her academy. Allowing her to teach Laenor and Laena would be a great boon, along with the increased trade to the north.

“Very well,” Viserys said. “I will write to Lord Velaryon and my cousin to let them know.”

Vanille smiled craftily. “Shall we send them the recipe for pancakes and a barrel of maple syrup too, Your Grace?”

Viserys laughed. “Hah! Indeed!”

X     X     X

“Good grief,” Daemon muttered. “Why are you cackling?” He knew Vanille well enough by now to assume that something had either gone wonderfully right or was about to go horribly wrong.

“I’ve done it!” The professor punched the air, and her students clapped and cheered.

“Done what?”

“Ah.” The professor turned to him and beckoned him forward. “You can be the first person outside of my academy to try chocolate.”

“Chocolate?” Daemon’s brows furrowed. “What is that?”

“Something that took a long time to make because of how many people I had to deal with to get what I needed. But at last, I have succeeded.” Vanille handed him a brown bar. “Eat that.”

Daemon stared. “This isn’t poison, is it?”

“If I wanted to poison you, there are about a hundred better ways to do it than in front of all these witnesses. Trust me.”

Daemon sighed. “Well, those pancakes you made a few months ago were delicious. I shall trust you again.”

He took a bite.

Before he knew it, the bar of chocolate was completely gone.

“What... what was that?” Daemon whispered. “And do you have more?”

“Hehehehe...” Vanille cackled madly again. “That was chocolate, and I have lots more.”

X     X     X

Historical Note:

Although Supreme Professor Oerba Dia Vanille was notorious for her ability to create new inventions seemingly whenever she felt like it, her impact on the palates of Westeros cannot be underestimated. She pushed heavily for improvements to the spice trade, culminating in the retrieval of specimens that allowed for spices of all kinds to be grown in Westeros. Her work in developing different condiments and sauces also cannot be emphasised enough. She also developed a range of different foods, amongst them pancakes and chocolate. She also introduced the world to coffee, a drink that would become a staple in the lives of rulers, scholars, and all manner of hard-working folk.

It is telling that amongst the many schools of learning at the Royal and Paramount Academies, there is a school dedicated specifically to Culinary Alchemy.

X     X     X

Author’s Notes

Vanille knows that people think with their stomachs. And, historically speaking, people have paid a pretty penny to eat better food. She might as well be the one who gets that penny.

And one thing you can say about Viserys is that he tried to get his family to reconcile. It didn’t work, but he did try. Here, at least, he’s more successful because Otto isn’t around to pick fights, Daemon is not as horrible because he has kids he loves, and the Velaryons have profited handily from trying to get along.

The next step will be for Vanille to propose conquering the Stepstones. Now, at this point, Viserys is already considering wedding Aegon (Daemon’s son) to Rhaenyra since they get along very well. He’ll have to give the Velaryons something. Some nice chunks of the Stepstones ought to do nicely with the promise that Viserys will appoint Laenor Lord of the Stepstone as a marriage gift when he marries someone with the Stepstones becoming a kingdom in their own right when Rhaenyra ascends the throne. The price of course will be renouncing any and all claims to the throne going forward with a few inter-marriages thrown in down the line to keep the peace.

Of course, by the time that happens, the whole Braavos thing will have happened, so there will be plenty of land to give to the other members of the royal family as a counterweight to the Velaryons.

[darkcavewriting]

Day 14

Waking up I was groggy which was no surprise to me. I seemed to be waking up groggy most mornings anymore. I didn’t sleep the best which wasn’t a surprise or anything. I was more than a bit nervous about the therapy appointment I was going to have this morning. I had never gone to see a therapist before, I never really had any reason to I felt, so I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into with this. I did hope that it would help me try and process everything that was going on in my mind right now though, because there was so much, and I didn’t know what to make of most or really any of it to speak of.

I checked my phone, and there wasn’t any alerts of note thankfully. I was happy to not have anything I needed to deal with this morning besides breakfast before the appointment. I hadn’t told anyone I was going to see a therapist. I didn’t feel it was anyones business to be honest. Not that I was ashamed or whatever about going, I knew it was something that I likely needed, I didn’t feel that others needed to know about it though, at least not till I had actually gone to a session or two I felt.

I put coffee in the new pot that I purchased and set it to brew as I wandered down the hall to go take a shower. Once I was back in my room there was a pot of coffee waiting for me. I got dressed, put some water in the microwave to make myself a bowl of oatmeal and I sat down at my desk. I blankly looked at my computer screen, browsing ESPN and just mindlessly being distracted. Having time to kill like this was one of the most annoying things to me. I wish I could have slept later but that wasn’t in the cards. Now I just had to make the most of my morning before the appointment and then try and sort out what the hell I was going to do with the rest of the day. Made me wish I was in class even though I likely wouldn’t have been able to concentrate, if anything just to give me something to do.

Breakfast was unfulfilling, but I had zero desire to go to the dining hall. I didn’t want to be around other people, or at least not that many other people. If Grace or Elizabeth happened to show up at my room that would be fine, but a huge crowd like there always was in the dining hall in the morning, no way I was in the mood to deal with that at all right now. I was able to relax in my room, have on some music and just not have to worry about anything but myself.

Eventually it was time for me to make it across campus to go to my appointment. I was still nervous and anxious about it. I didn’t know what to expect, I was hopeful that I would be able to actually formulate the words that were able to get across how I was feeling and how I had been feeling about everything since all of this happened. The last two weeks had been a whirlwind.

I made it over to the building my appointment was in, took a deep breath and went in, up the stairs, and to the office. I could tell my hands were sweaty, the travel mug of coffee I had brought with me was sliding out of my grip. I rubbed my hands on my pants, took hold again of the mug and went in the door to the counseling office and checked myself in.

I thankfully didn’t have long to wait till I was called back to the office to meet with who I would be seeing, Gina Smith. She directed me to a chair across from her, and motioned to the table where I could set my coffee. She pointed as well to the water cooler in the corner if I was inclined to get some. I made myself comfortable in the chair not knowing what would happen from here.

“So, tell me about why you are here today,” she said.

“Well I am here today due to the loss of both of my parents less than two weeks ago due to a car accident,” I said. “They went off the side of the road on the way back across the state on the scenic route back to Portland after dropping me off here for school.”

“Well, that is a very good reason for coming here, and I am glad you did,” she said. “Were you able to take advantage of the option to not take classes this term because of that I hope?”

“Yes, for sure, my RA actually told me about that program, and what with being back in Portland for the funeral and such after, as well as likely countless more trips back there, I don’t see any way I could have been successful taking classes this term,” I said. “Everything is a good bit of a mess as you can imagine.”

“I can imagine, how was going back for the funeral, did you have family there to help with things?” she asked.

“Yes, the house was filled with family coming down from all over Washington, as well as my dad’s parents and siblings coming over from Wales,” I said. “I was thankful that they were able to help get everything organized so I didn’t have to worry about things quite as much, still, it wasn’t exactly an ideal situation to be in.”

“Tell me more about that,” she said.

“Well, I guess a lot of it was just because as long as I had been alive I had never seen that many people in the house at once, it was excessive in my eyes, but people needed a place to stay so we made it work, even if it was a bit exhausting just being around so many people,” I said. “Especially when some of the people are relatives I see so infrequently, it isn’t like I have any idea what to say to any of them.”

“That would be a bit much, how many people were in the house?” she asked.

“At the high point I think it was 10 or 11 of us, quite a few, thankfully not everyone stayed at the house at least,” I said. “It was good to get back here, but being mostly alone here isn’t all that great either, total opposite end of the social interaction spectrum here.”

“Do you know anyone else here at Eastern?” she asked.

“There are a couple of girls I met the night before I moved in who happen to live in my dorm, I have seen one of them a couple times since everything happened, and we have texted some,” I said. “It is a new friendship though so I don’t know how invested I should get in it.”

“Is there anyone else you have been able to reach out to during all of this?” she asked.

“Yes, my ex-girlfriend Eva, who is going to school at the University of Minnesota, she came back to Portland for the funeral,” I said.

“Why did you two break up?” she asked.

“Well, it is mostly because she was going to school so far away, she got a scholarship to play hockey out there,” I said. “We decided doing something long distance likely wasn’t the smartest decision, but, we are still close, I am actually debating going out to Minneapolis to visit her before I start classes in January, maybe see her play a game or two.”

“Well, that is good that you two are still close,” she said. “I get the feeling you didn’t want the relationship to end though no?”

“No, I didn’t want it to end but we agreed for practicality it didn’t make sense to continue it with us living so far apart from each other,” I said. “We had never really planned on going to school that close to each other, if we did that likely would have changed things for the state of the relationship and we would probably still be together.”

“Would you consider going to school out there and transferring?” she asked. “Since you haven’t started classes here I am sure you could apply for admission for the spring term there if you wanted to.”

“The idea has crossed my mind but at this point I think it is more important for me to be closer to home in Portland than it is to be closer to her unfortunately,” I said. “Not that I wouldn’t love to go to school with her, I just don’t think transferring out there is the smartest decision for me to make at this point.”

“I can understand that,” she said. “At least you have it as an option though, is there anyone else you have that you are close to in order to help with all of this?”

“Well there is my maternal grandparents, they are handling a lot of stuff, they live up in Port Townsend, there is also my aunt, my mothers sister who lives in Spokane but she is moving to Portland into the house in order to get out of her marriage,” I said. “So yeah there is family I am close to but besides that there isn’t really anything else, I don’t have a ton of friends and the ones I do have either stayed and went to school in Oregon or ended up scattered all around the country going to school or into the military.”

“That would be challenging,” she said. “Have you reached out to any of them since the accident?” 

“No, Eva is the only one, mostly because our parents were friends as well,” I said. “She was the one who was around them the most so letting her know was just second nature, I didn’t really have anyone else around the house that often at all.”

“Have you tried meeting anyone else here?” she asked.

“Well, not really, I have only physically been here about four days or so, after I arrived and moved in I was back in Portland so soon after I think the only people I have really interacted with are Grace, Elizabeth and my RA, and I can’t even remember his name,” I said. “I haven’t really gone out to try and meet anyone and not being in classes obviously isn’t helping that either.”

“Yes that would be a rather obvious challenge for you,” she said. “Perhaps it would be good to try and be friendly with people on the floor you live on?”

“Potentially yes, I could hang out in the lounge in the building, but it isn’t like I want to jump right in and tell people, oh hey my parents died two weeks ago,” I said. “That seems like it would be a bad choice on my part if I somehow managed to slip that into the conversation a bit too soon.”

“That is true, and I imagine with it being the biggest thing on your mind right now that it might be a bit hard not to want to bring that up correct?” she asked.

“You are right, it really is about the only thing on my mind most of the time, it would be a challenge to not mention it somehow,” I said. “Maybe I would be better just trying to spend more time with Elizabeth or Grace or both of them, since they already kind of know me and at least know the situation.”

“That isn’t a bad option, and on top of that there is the possibility I would imagine of maybe meeting other people through them that would then allow you to make more friends,” she said. “That could be a decent option until you end up starting classes.”

We went on like that for a while, trying to find some decent options for me to be able to be more social while I was here in Cheney before I was in classes and had a way to more properly meet people. It wasn’t going to be the easiest, but it was something I could work on. There would be football games to attend soon, and basketball games in a few months, so that would at least be something that would get me out of my room and out there. The first home game wasn’t for a couple weeks when Eastern would take on Central Washington University, and in October the Eagles would travel to Portland to take on Portland State. I just might have the be sure to make it back to Portland for that. Portland State games were always a little boring though. Their games were played at PGE Park, which was dramatically larger of a stadium than what the Vikings needed, I had never seen it more than half full for a game which made it an unenthusiastic environment to see a game. I was hopeful that games here at Eastern would be more eventful to attend.

I made my way back to my room, it was a time between classes so the path back to the dorms was rather empty. I knew I was going to need to try and make contact with Grace or Elizabeth later today, as well as maybe give Eva a call. I couldn’t remember if I had told her I was planning on going to therapy but it seemed to be something that would be worth mentioning to her. I wished there was a way I could see her sooner but flying out to Minneapolis right now wasn’t a wise choice. I knew my priorities were here in Cheney as well as back home in Portland. Hopefully within a month or two when I had things more organized and situated or whatever I would be able to make a trip out to Minneapolis and be in a state of mind that allowed me to enjoy it, instead of however it was I was feeling now. I had to take care of myself before I tried to see what if anything was there between me and her still.

Back in the dorm, I didn’t see anyone around on my way up to my room. I was debating going to the lounge area later and hanging out. I didn’t have any homework to do, obviously, so I couldn’t do that there, and I didn’t know if I would look silly just being there reading. There were couches there though and that was more comfortable than reading in the crap desk chair in my room, or on my bed leaning back against the wall. Another place I thought of that I could go would be the library, just to get out of my room, that or at the little coffee shop on campus. I wondered if it was finally time to upgrade my laptop, the one I had now was a few years old and the battery life was abysmal. If I was going to be going out a lot, I felt it made sense to maybe upgrade, especially since I had the money to do so. The only thing I really wondered though was how much I would actually use it. I much preferred my desktop for most things. It was something at least to think about.

I poured myself another cup of coffee and put it in the microwave to warm it up. Not my favorite way to do things but there was about a cup left in the pot and no point letting it go to waste I felt. I looked at my phone, no alerts of any variety, no new emails either when I checked on my computer. I found a post it note and made a list of things that I wanted to accomplish. Four people I wanted to contact either today or tomorrow. Aunt Sara to see what the plan was for her heading to Portland and if she was going to need my assistance, my grandparents in Port Townsend to ask about the finances and to make sure I was able to have enough money on hand if I was wanting to make any sort of major purchase like a laptop. Then there was Eva, to talk about therapy and see how she was, and trying to see Grace or Elizabeth, which I could either call them, or just go down to their room and see if they were there. Besides that, there wasn’t anything else on my agenda, which was nice, but a bit depressing in a way as I really didn’t have anything I needed to accomplish.

All I had to do now was work on myself, which was something I had never really felt I needed to do or had the time to do, now, I had four months of no commitments in order to try and make things better. I felt fortunate to have this opportunity even though it came from a less than ideal situation. I was very fortunate that Eastern Washington had this policy because without it, I could see myself struggling to may a good go of it in my classes this term that I was supposed to be in. It was just finding a way to best make use of this time and not squander it. I knew I needed to work through the grief and the loss of my parents and that wasn’t going to be at all easy for me. The dealing with everything back home in Portland was at least something that I wasn’t going to have to deal with quite so much, as it appeared that thankfully there wasn’t as much to deal with as there could have been. I was thankful that my parents had there stuff mostly in order, and that everything was in a trust for me, it made things a lot less difficult to deal with and a lot less for me to worry about as well which made me happy. I didn’t want to have to worry about the financial side of things, or anything, I just wanted to be able to go on living my life. It also was nice that I wasn’t particularly going to have to worry about money either. True, getting a job would be a good thing for me, would get me out of the dorm at least, but not knowing how much I was going to need to go back to Portland right now, it may not be the best time to find one either. I could address the job situation in a month or so, maybe find myself something on campus. In the meantime I just needed to focus on myself and getting my head in the right space. 

I head my phone vibrate on my desk, I went over and saw that it was a phone call from my grandparents, that was one thing I was going to be able to check off my list.

“Hey there how are you?” I asked when I answered the call.

“Oh we are doing alright I suppose,” said my grandmother. “How are you holding up over there?”

“I am doing okay, went to a therapy session this morning here on campus via the counseling center, so that is something,” I said. “Otherwise I am just here in my dorm drinking coffee and not sure what else to do.”

“Going to see a therapist is a good idea, I hope that they are able to help you,” said my grandmother. “I know none of this has been easy on you, at all, just know if you need anything, please let us know, and you are always welcome over at our place as well if you want to make the drive over here sometime.”

“Thank you for that,” I said. “I just might take you up on that, would be good to be over there to visit sometime, I was actually planning on calling you sometime today or tomorrow.”

“Oh?” she asked. “Is there an issue of some sort?”

“Not really no, I was just curious about something,” I said. “What would the protocol be if I was wanting to make some sort of semi major purchase, like if I needed to replace my computer or laptop, or needed to make serious repairs on my car, or worse yet, replace it.”

“Ah, yes, that is a good question, and given your car, that could be a issue at any point in time,” she said. “I believe that is something that we would need to be made aware of and then we could release an adequate amount of money to cover that from the various trust accounts to you, allowing you to make the needed purchases.”

“That seems reasonable, and pretty easy,” I said. “I may be needing to do that before long as my laptop is getting a bit old and likely wont be lasting all that much longer, at least from a portability standpoint.”

“Of course, just let us know and we can make the funds available to you, as for the vehicle, before you do anything to replace it or anything let your grandfather know, as he would likely be willing to either help repair or rebuild the Arrow, or help you find a replacement for it, he did love that little car oh so much, I know he misses it.”

“Yes, I will be sure to do that,” I said. “I haven’t had any issues with it at all, I just know due to its age, that I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up having issues of some sort before long.”

“Totally understandable,” said my grandmother. “Have you talked with Sara lately by the way?”

“No, I haven’t, I was planning on calling her today or tomorrow to see what her plan was for going to Portland,” I said. “Have you heard from her at all?”

“Yes, she called last night,” said my grandmother. “She was in the middle of packing things up and trying to sort out what she was going to do about getting all of her stuff to Portland, as it wouldn’t all fit in her car, she didn’t know if she should ask you for help, or rent a truck, or both.”

“Well I will give her a call tonight and I can try and help her figure something out,” I said. “I feel like renting a truck from Uhaul or wherever is probably the best bet, maybe with a trailer for her car, and then I follow in mine, so I can get back to Cheney easier that way.”

“That is probably the best bet, however I have no idea how much stuff she was planning on taking with her, she said she wasn’t taking any furniture, so I don’t really know how much stuff she actually has over there to take,” said my grandmother. “It can’t be that much I wouldn’t think, but I don’t know, I am just glad she is taking the chance to get the hell out of there as bad as she says things are.”

“I am too, I am glad the opportunity presented itself to her because yeah, there is no reason for her to stay in a situation like that,” I said. “I will be sure to let you know what the plan is for her and I moving stuff there once I know what it is though.”

“Thank you, we both really appreciate it, I just wish she would have told us about the issues earlier and we could have done more to help her leave ages ago,” said my grandmother. 

“True, but, at least she is getting out now, thats all we can really ask for at this point,” I said. “She had to be ready to leave and if this was what gave her the push to do it, so be it.”

“That is very true, I hope she knows she can always come to us and we wont judge her,” said my grandmother.

“I am sure she knows that, and if not I will be sure to remind her of such whenever I see or talk to her next,” I said. “I should probably let you go though, I need to see about having some lunch and figuring out what to do with my day.”

“I hope you have a good rest of your day, and call anytime if you need anything at all,” said my grandmother. “We are always here for you too, no matter what.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I love you, I’ll give you a call in a couple days.”

“We love you too, we will be here,” she said.

Now that was out of the way I crossed it off the list of things I wanted to accomplish. I would try and call my aunt tonight when she was home from work. I did need to sort out what to do about lunch, and I could email or call Eva whenever I wanted really. I wasn’t sure if email or a phone call was best with her, I also didn’t have any real idea of what I wanted to say to her either. I just knew that I wanted to talk to her and that I missed her a lot. I was so glad I got to see her when I was home and that she was able to come back for it, but I missed how things were before for us and I had my doubts we would ever go back to how things were and that made me a lot sadder than I wanted to admit. I wished we didn’t have to end things like we did even though logically it made the most sense for both of us. The distance was too great, and it wasn’t at all practical for us to stay together, even as much as I knew we both wanted to.

I headed to the dining hall to get lunch, I didn’t have anything in my room besides stuff for a sandwich or some microwavable soup and neither of those options sounded all that good. The dining hall at least offered more options, pizza, other hot foods, a salad bar, and the like. There was only so much I could do in my dorm room without a proper kitchen. I wondered if I would somehow run into Grace there, it would be nice if I did but I had no expectations that I would. I knew also that I should try and have a chat with my RA at some point just to both let him know what my situation was now, and that I was looking to hopefully be able to meet people too since that was something I knew deep down I needed to do, especially after the appointment this morning.  

I managed to get to the dining hall towards the end of when they were open for lunch so it was far from busy.  I got myself a tray and a handful of items.  I was quite hungry as breakfast wasn’t the most filling, and I had eaten it hours ago.  I found a table by the window to myself and began to eat.  Midway through my meal I head someone come up behind me and say my name.

“Kenrick is that you?” she said.

I turned around and there was Elizabeth.

“Hey, yeah it is me, how are you?” I asked.  

“I’m good, I haven’t seen you in a while, how are you doing with everything?” she asked.  “Grace said you weren’t doing that great but I mean, losing your parents like that it isn’t exactly surprising I feel.”

“No, I don’t feel it is all that surprising at all, it was all so sudden and unexpected you know,” I said.  “I am sure in time I will be better, or so I hope at least.”

“It does get easier, but it never totally goes away,” she said.  “We lost our dad suddenly when we were in high school, he had a heart attack and was gone while we were at school and had no idea till we got home, Grace found him at home sitting in the chair he always sat in, she doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“She never mentioned it, I am so sorry for your loss,” I said.  

“I think she has blocked out a lot of those memories to be honest,” said Elizabeth.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if all of this with your parents is bringing up memories of it for her, so it might be challenging for her but that isn’t your fault at all, I may be a better resource for you with all of this, and I am always here to talk.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate that,” I said.  “It seems like I haven’t seen all that much of you, just  Grace lately.”

“Yeah, she is a bit more social than I am, plus I deal with a bit of anxiety in social situations so I really mostly just go to class and come back to the room, or go to the library,” said Elizabeth.  “It is something I am trying to get better at but it can be a challenge to get myself out there.”

“Well, I need to do that much too honestly,” I said.  “I only know you and your sister here, thats it, well and my RA but I don’t even remember his name, I have only talked with him in passing.”

“Well maybe that is something we can work on together, if you want of course,” said Elizabeth.  “My sister is going to be pretty tied up with school stuff before long, her art classes and projects are a hell of a lot more time consuming than anything I have to do for my classes, and I can write papers anywhere, she can’t really take her art with her to a coffee shop to work on.”

“That is true,” I said.  “I don’t even know what all sorts of art she even does.”

“Oh she is all over the place,” said Elizabeth.  “Mostly painting but she has wanted to give sculpture a try too so not exactly the most portable types of art to be working on.”

“No, not so much,” I said.  “Well, I would enjoy spending time with you a lot, even if it is just hitting a coffee shop while you work on something, I feel like maybe I should start writing something myself perhaps.”

“What do you think you might want to write about?” asked Elizabeth.

“I’m not sure, I mean I was coming to school here to major in Journalism and English, so maybe fiction, or maybe write some sort of a memoir about my life up to this point,” I said.  “I could also probably come up with some sort of a family history too for either side of the family, if anything it would give me something to do which is a hell of a lot more than I have going on for myself now.”

“True, giving yourself something to do right now is probably pretty important, I can’t imagine how boring it is for you now without classes or anything to do,” she said.

“Yeah, you got that write, but I don’t know if I could concentrate on classes if I had to go to them either you know,” I said.  

“I have no how many trips I am going to be having to make back to Portland with all of this,” I said.  “My aunt is moving down there into the house, from Spokane to get out of her abusive marriage, not sure if Grace mentioned that to you at all or not.”

“She didn’t mention that,” said Elizabeth.  “She did mention that you would likely be making a few more trips back there though and said she was going to see if she could go with you sometime though.”

“Yeah I made that offer to her and to be fair I may as well extend the offer to you as well, no reason to leave you out of it,” I said.  “The next trip will likely be a solo one, helping my aunt transport stuff there, but after that, I should be more available to have either of you or both of you go with.”

“Just let us know, it would be a lot of fun I feel, neither of us have been to Portland before either so it  could be a good time just for that alone,” said Elizabeth.  “What do you have going the rest of the day today?”

“I don’t think anything to be honest,” I said.  “All I really had  going on was a counseling session this morning which went well, otherwise I hadn’t really planned anything at all, what about you?”

“Well, I have a couple classes to get through, but besides that, not really anything,” she said.  “Do you want to get dinner here with the both of us tonight?”

“Sure, I would like that a lot,” I said.  “Come by my room whenever you are ready, I will be there.”

“Will do, I am so glad I ran into you here,” she said.

“I am too, it seems like I haven’t seen you in ages,” I said.  “Well I will see you tonight then I presume.”

She waved goodbye as we were both done with our meals.  I headed back to my room in Dressler Hall, she headed off to her class, wherever it was.  I was quite happy I had chanced to run into her, or more like that she had seen and recognized me.  

Back in my dorm, there wasn’t anything else going on or anything to do.  No messages, no emails, no nothing.  At this point all I had to do was wait around till Grace and Elizabeth came around to go get dinner.  It wasn’t my ideal way to spend the rest of the afternoon, however there wasn’t anything else to do.  I at least was smart enough to bring back more of my books from home when I came this time.  Unfortunately there wasn’t anywhere all that  decent to put them, so they stayed in boxes for now.  I should have tried to get another bookcase or something, but I didn’t think I could fit one in my car.  Was going to have to see if there was any other options for that, otherwise they would remain in boxes.

I decided to rest for a bit, I was more than a bit tired thanks to not sleeping well last night.  I was quite nervous and anxious about the appointment today, that sleep didn’t come so easy.  I laid down for a bit and before long I head pounding on my door.  I woke up in a daze, got up and wandered to the door to open it.  Grace and Elizabeth were outside.

“It’s dinner time already?” I asked.  “I must have fallen asleep for longer than I thought I did.”

“You must have, it is after 6:00 p.m. now, when did you take a nap?” said Elizabeth.  

“I laid down a while after I got back to the dorm after lunch,” I said.  “That was, maybe 1:30 p.m. or so.”

“Well you managed to get about four hours of sleep, so that is nothing to complain about,” said Grace.  “Do you still want to come to dinner with us?”

“Of course, I would love to, let me just grab some shoes.” I said.  “How have your days been?”

“Not bad, I was in my studio class most of the day painting,” said Grace.  “I enjoy it but sometimes it can just get frustrating when I can’t get things to go how I want them to.”

We headed out of the dorm and across to the dining hall.  I was trying to shake the tiredness from my head.  I was groggy, I hoped that having dinner would help me feel at least a little bit more awake and with it than I was right now.  When we got to the dining hall it was moderately full but there were still quite a few empty tables.  We got food and made our way to where there was a slightly secluded area for us to sit away from a good deal of the other students.  It seemed like none of us had a lot to talk about, so there was a lot of silence, some of it a bit awkward to me.  It was still good to be out of the dorm with the two of them.  Anything was better than just sitting around my room doing nothing.

After we finished eating, Elizabeth suggested going out for a walk across campus and getting ice cream at a little shop near campus.  I wasn’t opposed to this idea at all.  I wanted to go.  

“I can’t go,” said Grace.  “I have to finish up an assignment that is due tomorrow, I want to go  though but I know it wouldn’t be responsible.”

It ended up just being Elizabeth and myself going to get ice cream, as Grace headed back to their dorm room to finish whatever here assignment was.  It was nice to get to spend a bit more time with Elizabeth as we hadn’t really spent much time together on our own before today.  Still doing my best to get to know her.  It was a challenge though to keep my mind focused as all it wanted to do was wander all over the place, thinking about home and everything.  That was where my mind was most of the time, thinking of home, my family, what was going to become of everything there.  There was so much that was still very much up in the air with things, or so it seemed and I didn’t know for sure what the future would hold.  I was glad that my aunt was moving into the house so it wouldn’t just be sitting there uninhabited.  I did wonder what I should be doing about all the stuff that was there.  I knew that wasn’t something I had to worry about immediately at least.  Although I would have to clear some space for my  Aunt’s things, but I had no idea how much space she would even need.

“Hey are you okay?” asked Elizabeth.  “It looked like I lost you there.”

“Yes, sorry, my bad, was just thinking about everything,” I said.

“Everything?” she asked.  “What do you mean?”

“Just everything with this whole situation, parents being gone, me being here, everything going on at home in Portland with the house and my aunt moving there and what all I may or may not need to do with the place,” I said.  “It is all just more than a bit overwhelming and here I am all the way out here in Cheney trying to make a go of it on my own and just feeling so terribly alone out here.”

“I am sorry you are feeling so alone, I  promise you that you aren’t,” said Elizabeth.  “Grace and I are here for you, always, and we can try and help you meet some more people as well, just know if you are ever feeling down, just let us know and one of us will come hangout with you, I know none of this can be easy on you but you are doing your best.”

“Thank you, it really doesn’t feel like I am unfortunately, but I know it is going to be a long process for me to end up being anywhere near okay I feel,” I said.  “I just think its difficult for me to be this overwhelmed with everything all at once as it is.”

“Well you have family that is helping with things correct?” asked Elizabeth.  “I know when we lost our dad a lot of the family helped out with everything, of course we had our mom there too, but she was in such a state she wasn’t able to do much of anything without having a breakdown.”

“Yes family is helping out with some of the stuff, but the worst part is, nobody lives there in Portland locally,” I said.  “At least not till my aunt moves into the house, the closest relatives are up in the Seattle and Port Townsend area of Washington so it isn’t like they can just drop into the house and check on things.”

“When is your aunt moving, have you heard yet?” Elizabeth asked.

“No, she hasn’t said,” I said.  “She told me she wanted to do it soon but she hasn’t given me any indication on when, so I am pretty up in the air about that.”

“Well hopefully once she goes there that will make things a bit easier on you,” said Elizabeth.  “Is there a lot to do there before she would be able to move in there?”

“I am presuming she would be moving into the guest room we have there at home, and it is in a position to be lived in immediately, so no, I don’t think there is a lot to do before she gets there,” I said.  “The biggest question is how much stuff is she planning on bringing with her, because there isn’t really a ton of storage space free depending on how much she is planning on bringing.”

“She hasn’t given any indication as to what all she was planning on bringing?” asked Elizabeth.

“No, she hasn’t,” I said.  “I don’t feel like she would be bringing a bunch of furniture or anything like that with her, but she hasn’t really said anything about it, I likely need to give her a call sometime tonight and see what she is really wanting to bring, and when she was planning on going as well.”

“Agreed, that would all be rather helpful information for you,” said Elizabeth.  “Do you have anything else planned tonight besides that?”

“I don’t think so really, not like I have any assignments to work on or anything you know,” I said.  “I do need to find something to occupy my time here though, to get me out more often.”

“If you want sometime I usually go running in the mornings if you ever have any desire to come with me,” said Elizabeth.  “You mentioned that you did a sport or two in high school if I remember right.”

“Yeah, I played hockey and soccer in high school, ran track as well” I said.  “I really haven’t done anything since I graduated though, I have gotten lazy.”

“Well, this is a perfect opportunity to be active again, of course only if you want to,” she said.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.  “Mornings have been difficult for me since I got here.”

“I understand that totally,” she said.  “Just let me know, I would be more than happy to have some company with me while I run.”

“I will, thank you, I appreciate the offer,” I said.  “Thank you for wanting to spend so much time with me, I appreciate it, I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t meet you two on the way up here.”

“I don’t know either,” she said.  “I am glad you did, I can’t even imagine how difficult it would have been for you otherwise.”

We headed back towards the dorm.  It was a nice night, still a good bit warmer than I would have liked but that was to be expected this time of year out here in Eastern Washington.  We took the elevator up to our rooms.  She hugged me goodbye when she got out on her floor, I went up to mine and made my way to my room.  Unlocked the door, stepped inside and I laid down on the bed.  I was mentally exhausted.  There was just too damn much on my mind with all of this.  I knew that things should calm down a little once Sara was living in Portland.  Or so I hoped at least.  I just wanted things to get a little easier.  I had no idea what easier was going to look like at this point though.  There was just so much going on, but at the same time, there was nothing.  My days here were empty and full of nothing.  All I could do was try and find things to fill the time.  There was so little that I actually had to do on a daily basis, that was likely one of my biggest challenges, finding something to do that felt like it was worth doing.

[ki-h06]

The Love I wish I knew

this is something I did for my creative writing class I don't expect this to get any attention (ps if your gonna read this it would be good to listen to any sad song)

I knew Shawn Evens didn’t love me, I could tell by the fake smiles he’d give people when telling them that he was happy in our marriage. I knew he was lying but I was telling myself that one day, just one day, that he would love me the way I loved him, in the back of my mind I knew that it was a lie. I knew he loved another, she was prettier, taller, skinnier, and owned her own law firm. I knew that Abigail Withers was the woman that he loved, that he would cherish for the rest of his life. While I was just the obstacle that stood in his way, the forced marriage that allowed him to become CEO of his company. It was hard to watch them laugh and love each other from afar. I knew that Shawn didn’t think of me as his soulmate, so I wasn’t going to push him to mine. Sitting in my seat in the dark depressing corner of the lavish ballroom that held the gala in Abigail's honor, for being the top Lawyer in our city. 

I knew it was only a matter of time before Shawn wanted a divorce and started living a life with Abigail, so I was going to set him free tonight. I knew it was selfish of me, doing it at Abigail’s party, but this way all of the attention would be on both of them and they could live in it. I got one good last look at Shawn before I walked out of the room with the dam of tears that were hiding behind my eyes that had broken. I looked away and walked out of the main room and into the hallway, walking out. I didn't look behind me, but maybe if I did I would’ve seen Shawn look back at the place where I sat and saw that I wasn’t there but shrugged it off as I was going to the restroom. Walking down the hallway that seemed to never end I made my way to the staircase that led up to the rooftop. As I opened the heavy door I felt the large gust of wind that blew my hair behind my shoulders and my dress flowing around me. 

Floating to the edge I looked at the beautiful city that has brought me nothing but pain and torture, the city that I knew was going to put me out of my misery. Sliding off my stiletto heels I climbed up onto the ledge and closed my eyes and let a small smile grace my face, a real smile, something that I hadn’t shown in god knows how long, at least since I married Shawn at least. Leaning my body forward I was about to fully fall when I heard that heavy door slam open. I looked behind me to see Shawn, and just Shawn along. I looked at him, and met his eyes. I knew he was wondering what I was doing.

“What are you trying to do, Valaria?” his deep voice growled out 

“Setting you free...” I roughly whispered, turning back around to face the edge of the building, I didn’t see him start to run for me, all I saw was the stars start to fall and felt my body finally fall. As my body turned as I looked at Shawn one last time with the tears falling down my face I saw the fear in his eyes, the realization finally set in for him that I was leaving him so he could be free. Falling down that building I knew one thing and one thing only. That I loved Shawn Evens.

[unknown-writez]

The Traveler and The Jester

Chapter three: The Summer Court

Part four

“I must warn you sir I’m not the best dancer.” I said in an annoyingly innocent voice as we started waltzing. “think nothing of it. I have danced with far worse. So tell me how did you meet goodfellow?” He said intrigued by our relationship. “He has a cottage not far from where I was camping out. He graciously offered me a bed there.” I answered not exactly lying or telling the truth. “Hmm…” the king responded thoughtfully “he must like you. goodfellow doesn’t tend to be nice to just anyone.” “He has shown me nothing but kindness, your grace.” I said defending puck not being able to help the aggressive tone of my voice “I could be far kinder to you. if you wished to make the court your home instead.” he said back and I could see lust hiding behind his falsely kind deceiving eyes. Acting like the comment caught me off guard purposely I used the opportunity to mess up the dance. tripping on one of the steps of it my body collided with him. I took my hands away from him and pretended to steady myself with a hand against his chest and swiftly moved my other hand to his belt unnoticeably grabbing at the key. distracting him I said “I’m sorry! I’m so clumsy! I did try to warn you sir!” Looking up at him with big helpless doe eyes earning an amused chuckle from him. After I successfully nabbed the key quickly I put my hand back on his shoulder and in his other hand again with a smooth motion the key now hidden behind his back. Him not suspecting a single thing. “I would love that sir” I said trying to send a quick glance to puck over his shoulder as we started spinning again. Puck getting the memo moved out the corner of my eye and I noticed him poof into a bird flying overhead us. in a split second I swiftly tossed the key lightly into the air puck swooping in and catching it before it could fly off as I did. covering it up I pretended to move my hair away from my neck before placing my hand back on his shoulder as a predatory look came on his face, his eyes now glued to my neck and if I didn’t know men better I would have thought he wanted to kill and eat me. The music came to an end a second after that. letting go of my hand the king placed it with the other on my waist instead and I put my now free one on his other shoulder. capturing me in place his face scanned mine drawing closer as if to kiss me but before it could happen a bright light surrounded us and in a puff of glitter I was falling back down from the ceiling into the crowd puck in his raven form next to me shooting as fast as he could to the ground turning back into a human when he reached it just in time to catch me. “puck! what the hell happened!” I scolded and he just gave me a stare that had a mixture of jealousy and shock as if he didn’t mean to do it. putting me down and instead grabbing my hand the whole court was now staring at us aware of our tricks. quickly puck shoved his hand into his pocket grabbing the dice muttering “give us something good.” before throwing them on the ground. the dice shattering in a cloud of purple smoke. as they hit the tile floor suddenly loud music started sounding out throughout the whole castle. The song play that funky music by wild cherry playing along with flashing colored lights and confetti from the ceiling. All at once everyone except puck and I broke out in a synchronized disco dance with confused and fearful looks on their faces as they did the ridiculous moves. Not being able to hold it in I laughed uncontrollably as puck pulled me through the mess running towards the gate as the madness ensued. Once we got out of the castle, puck quickly ran into and through the woods dragging me with him stopping only when he thought we were safe.

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Hi Ange! Okay this is going to be quite long so please bear with me. This was worth the wait and right off the bat, I am smiling to myself because I immediately thought of Inventing Anna and how OC mirrors Vivian’s career - Scriberia and The Wall and the fall from grace. I also love the anticipation from when Aemond was first mentioned up to the moment she finally meets him. And forgive me for saying this but she seemed a bit caught unawares as I suppose one does when you didn’t think you’d finally get there.

Now, stepping out of the fic for a bit, words can’t capture how much I appreciate you for putting this out. This story hit close to home because I too wanted to study journalism but opted for a more practical international relations degree, which looking back, I didn’t even like. So I ended up applying for writing jobs but my lack of experience/portfolio meant no “traditional”magazine or gazette would take me on and I could only write content for a digital marketing agency.

However writing content is much different than I imagined because writing with the goal of aiming for clicks or engagement can sometimes suck the soul out of you (though, funnily enough I learned more about writing) and I wanted that journalist/writer life where I got to interview key people or go to events but mine lies in food like trying out that new fine dining restaurant with a chef imported from the US or France or going to some place to feature a fading tradition. And I almost did have an opportunity like OC to write for the big leagues; mine involved feature writing for a high society magazine but I fudged it and didn’t get the job. Still, I love writing and I’m at this point where it is a calling for me. But truthfully, I don’t know if I can call myself a writer, yet.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this story somewhat gives me a chance to live out that writer fantasy of mine. And in my head, if I get tangled in a murder mystery then I must be living the dream. So, really, you made a little girl’s dream come true and I’m excited to read how it will all unfold.

Thank for your thoughtful feedback, it's really sweet!

I can definitely see the likeness to Inventing Anna now that you point it out - Aemond will be the polar opposite of Anna (though he'd absolutely pull off the "what are you wearing? you look poor" line, hahaha)

Journalism has jaded me a little bit. I enjoy the writing element, and I enjoy chatting to musicians I admire (I am a freelance music journalist) but being told "you need to give this album a positive review, because the record label has bought x amount of advertising in this month's issue" when the album itself is total crap is really disheartening, and that's before we get into working beneath editors who clearly hate women, etc.

I've definitely found my passion with creative writing, and I hope to do it full time one day (it was my initial dream when I was younger, but I was steered towards journalism by my English teacher, as she said it was a more stable career choice).

I wish you luck in your writing career, and I look forward to reading your pieces, if ever you decide to publish them here! I'm happy to know that this story is a means for you to live vicariously.

Hope you're having a good day, and thank you for the kind message xoxo