#I wish I could just quit my job but I can’t afford to without having a backup

[unearthlydream]

I’m having such a fun lil thought spiral today. Today has been going so well and I’m totally okay and fine and normal about it :,)

[its-time-to-write]

i think we could do it if we tried

So I misread a prompt, and didn’t realize until halfway through the fic. This was the result and it ended up being weirdly personal? If you hate it or think it’s unrealistic, I know, it’s just wishful thinking, ok?😭

i think we could do it if we tried

You’re sure Jamie’s expression will be burned into your mind forever. After all, you’re the one who put it there. 

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” you say, tears streaming down your face, “I’m the one who’s breaking up with you.”

Jamie just laughs wetly. “Not your fault, though, is it?”

That just makes you cry harder. 

You and Jamie had been friends for a long time, and he’d been in love with you forever. You didn’t return the feeling until you turned eighteen. It was on your birthday, actually. He had insisted on wearing a birthday hat all day, despite that fact that he was at training and you were at home, so you didn’t see each other until the end of the day. Something about seeing the sparkly cone on his head did something to your heart, and there it was; you loved him. 

You suppose the love was always there, lying dormant, but now it had arisen. It took you a week to muster up the courage to tell him, but you did and now it felt like the world made sense. 

Now, a month later, you’re breaking up with him. 

Jamie had been playing football for a while now, and he was really, really good. You were beginning your studies as an undergrad and had your life mapped out until grad school. He was moving away soon and you were leaving tomorrow, but that wasn’t the reason you were breaking up. 

It’s because your parents didn’t approve. 

“I can’t make them understand,” you tell Jamie, willing yourself not to cry. “And… I know I’m eighteen, but they’re paying for university. They said they’d pay all the way through grad school, and I can’t afford it on my own.”

Jamie nods and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. 

“God, it’s fuckin’ shitty, ain’t it?” he says. “Me ‘n you, finally figuring it out too late.”

You can only nod and sniff. Your parents told you that Jamie was a good friend, but nothing more. 

“You’re only projecting feelings onto him because you know he likes you,” your mum had said. “And besides, he plays football. Can’t support a family on that, can you?”

Any protests you made fell on deaf ears. Your parents never explicitly said they’d pull their financial support, but it was hinted. It hung in the air, poisoning the atmosphere in the house. Your mother’s displeasure saturated the building, affecting everyone inside. 

So here you are, standing in the dim light of Jamie’s mum’s porch, breaking up with him at 10pm. 

He knew it was coming, too. 

“Y’know I’d never want you to put your life on hold for me, yeah?” he’d said two days earlier. 

You just nodded.

“I’ve been thinking about quitting football,” he continued, “Get a real job, stay closer.”

You had protested vehemently. He loved football, and he was good, like really good, and how could you ask him to give it up?

So yeah, it wasn’t a total blindside. 

Still hurt, though. 

You stood there, a long time, without speaking. You were memorizing each other’s faces and the way it felt being together for the last time. 

There’s a light on in Georgie’s room, and you wonder if she’ll still love you despite the fact you broke her baby’s heart. 

Jamie finally breaks the silence. “You should go,” he says, “before your parents figure out you’re gone.”

You don’t trust yourself to speak, so you just reach out and squeeze his hand. He pulls you in for a hug, the tightest one you’ve ever received, and you never want to let go. But you do. 

You fight the urge to say I’ll wait for you. I’ll find you when I’m done with school. We’ll make it work. But you don’t want to give him false hope. You don’t want to hurt him more than you already have. 

So instead, you whisper “I love you, Jamie Tartt,” and force yourself to walk away. 

— 

That was six years ago. You pushed yourself through school, got out with your BA in three and a half years, and scraped through your MA in two. There were times it felt a little like hell, but you persevered. 

You’re pretty sure the worst moment was during your third year, when your roommate, a football aficionado, started talking about Man City’s hotshot new player.  

“Oh my god, he’s like, so fucking sexy. The things he does on the pitch… he’s like, revolutionized the game.”

“Hm,” you say noncommittally, lost in a textbook. 

“Yeah, heard he’s a bit of a prick though. Grew up in Manchester, and he’s about our age. D’you reckon you knew him?”

“What?” you say, finally lifting your eyes from the page. “I didn’t grow up in Manchester, just lived there when I was a teenager.”

Your roommate shrugs. “Did you know a ‘Jamie Tartt?’ Dating Keeley Jones?”

And there it was. The worst moment of your whole university career. 

You turn back to your book in order to hide your face. “Doesn’t sound familiar,” you say, and your roommate doesn’t push it. She’s too busy telling you how Jamie and Keeley are the hottest, most perfect couple she’s ever seen. 

You’re past that now. It still feels like a stabbing pain every time you hear his name or see his face on a screen, but for the most part, you’ve shut down that part of your brain. 

You might have shut it down a little too successfully. 

In the last six years, you’ve been in exactly two relationships. Both short-lived, both leaving you with a sense of apathy. 

But, your parents approved of both of them. Didn’t matter that they were shallow, self-absorbed dickheads; “He’s cute and has a good job!” your mum had said, oblivious to the fact that she was replaying the exact same pitch to you from before. 

You had felt a rush of relief when the news hit that Jamie and Keeley had broken up. You hated hearing about all his escapades, and how much he hurt her. It made your heart ache, knowing he was burying himself in his prickish attitude the same way you were burying yourself in yours. 

Well, maybe that’s too harsh. You aren’t a prick per se, you’re just… cold. Emotionless. You felt very little this days, because every time you felt the tiniest bit of anything, everything threatened to overwhelm you. 

After school, you just… kept moving. No sense in going home, you loved your family but they made you feel like you were drowning. And you couldn’t make yourself go back to Manchester. 

Georgie called you from time to time, checking up on you. Turns out she didn’t hate you. She was actually rather worried. She never, ever mentioned Jamie. 

“You can’t just stop living life, love,” she had said one time. “That’s all it is: love and loss. You just keep moving forward.”

You took her advice literally, securing a good job that allowed you to work remotely. You moved to the east side of London, West Ham, but were never at your flat longer than a week. After all, you were hot and had a good job. Why not travel? You had no strings keeping you anywhere. 

Now you’re back in West Ham for two weeks, getting ready to go to Barcelona. A friend has a timeshare that she can’t make it to, so you volunteered to go. After all, it’s better to be apathetic in Barcelona than it is in West Ham, right?

Whatever the case, you’re here for much longer than you’d like to be, but you’re going to make the best of it. You have a friend from uni who lives near you, so you’re going out tonight. She wants to go to some upscale restaurant a couple minutes from your flat with a few other girls, and you decide that you’d rather not be alone tonight.

You don’t mention that it’s your birthday. You stopped celebrating them at nineteen.

Your hair and makeup are done, you’ve put together an appropriate fancy-dinner outfit, and you’d say you’re looking classy. You grab your bag and head out the door.

It’s only a ten-minute walk, and there are all kinds of people out. You wonder why, then remember it’s Saturday. That explains it. 

There’s an especially rowdy bunch of guys up ahead, seemingly corralled by a middle-aged man with a mustache. As you draw closer, you hear his accent. American, specifically mid-Western. You breeze by them, catching snatches of their conversations and a mix of accents.

Your ear tunes into someone saying, “…not what really happened,” with an accent that reminds you so much of Jamie’s, you find yourself rooted to your spot in the sidewalk, turning around to confirm that it is not, in fact, him.

You make eye contact with the middle-aged mustached man, who smiles at you and shrugs. “Footballers. What a rowdy bunch,” he says, “Wonder where their coach’s at?”

You surmise by his jocular tone that he’s their coach.

You give him a small smile and he comes over to you. Your feet still won’t move, because you haven’t confirmed that the voice was not Jamie. Or maybe because this man is a gaffer, and you want him to say something, anything about possibly knowing Jamie Tartt.

“I’m Ted,” he says, sticking out his hand.

You shake it and give him your name. At this point, his team have noticed that their coach is talking to someone new, and they descend like a flock of curious children.

There’s a chorus of hellos and one hola, but it’s all a little lost because all you can hear is one soft, “hey.”

“Hi,” you breathe. 

One look into Jamie Tartt’s blue eyes and you’re a goner, even after six years.

Ted looks from you to Jamie. “Oh, do y’all know each other? Jamie, why didn’t you say something?”

“Dunno,” Jamie says, keeping his eyes on you.

Ted, great man that he is, assesses the situation with alarming perception.

“Alright boys, why don’t we let Jamie catch up with his lady-friend, and we’ll just text him where we end up, sound good?” 

It does not sound good to them, because they can tell something interesting is about to happen, but Ted and another bearded American herd them away and down the street, leaving you and Jamie alone on the sidewalk.

“How you been?” he asks, looking awkward as you feel.

“I’ve been…” what word is there to describe how you’ve been? You settle for a shrug.

He nods and huffs out a single chuckle. “Yeah, that about sums it up, don’t it?”

“What about you?” you ask, reaching out to lightly tap his arm. “Heard you were some hotshot footballer.”

Jamie imitates your shrug. “Heard you were some hotshot something or the other.”

You crack a small smile at that. “Georgie tell you?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, “Felt the need to keep me updated. Don’t fuckin’ know why though.”

That hurts a little bit. This is a mistake, you think. You begin to realize, perhaps for the first time, that your pining after him was pointless. And one-sided.

That is, until Jamie says so softly you almost miss it, “Happy birthday, by the way.”

There it is. 

You open your mouth to say, I love you, but what comes out instead is, “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Jamie asks in surprise.

“I’m just… sorry. For everything. For walking away. I don’t know, I feel like I should have fought it or something… I think about you all the time. I wish that I would’ve done something different, I guess. I know I can’t change it, but…” you shrug helplessly. 

Jamie just looks at you, head tilted. 

You huff out an awkward laugh. “Anyway. I should probably go. Meeting a bunch of girls for drinks and dinner.”

“You hate that shit,” Jamie says, and it comes out the exact same way he would have said it six years ago. Like he’s comfortable with you, like he knows every single tick in your brain.

“I do,” you agree ruefully. “Just couldn’t get out of it, I guess. Didn’t have a good excuse.”

“Go out with me,” Jamie suggests, impulsively. But then, he was never one for forethought. 

Your mouth opens to decline, then shuts.

“You’re done with school, yeah?” Jamie continues, “Mum said you haven’t been home in ages. Said she knows more about you than your parents. What if… what if we gave it another go? We’re fuckin’ adults, ain’t we? Let’s just fucking try.”

He’s looking at you, so full of anxious hope that it makes you want to cry. You can feel a few tears fighting their way forward.

“Jamie,” you say, “Jamie I don’t know. I mean- I hurt you. I knew what I was doing would hurt you and I did it anyway. I could hurt you again.”

Jamie replies, “Weren’t your fault though, was it?” and you’re taken back so vividly to that front porch.

You look at him, really look at him for the first time in six years. He’s older, you realize, and you think that he must think something similar about you. He’s calmer, almost- gentler? Still the same Jamie though, with the blonde highlights and the slit in his eyebrow. Outrageous sense of fashion, one that is no longer dulled by the ominous presence of his father. He’s more sure of himself, you think, and you realize you’re more sure too.

There isn’t anything hanging over your head threatening to take your livelihood away.

It’s poetic, really. You, him, in the dim streetlight. Deciding to begin again exactly six years after it ended.

“Jamie,” you say again, because you love the way his name feels on your lips, “I didn’t ever stop loving you. I don’t ever want to stop loving you.”

He’s taken a step closer, and there’s mere centimeters between you. 

“Y’know I’d never want you to put your life on hold for me, right?” you whisper, “Been thinking about stopping traveling. Maybe settle down closer, focus on my job more.”

Jamie smiles. “Go out with me,” he says. “Skip your dinner. You’d have a shit time, anyway.”

You smile back and reach out for his hand. It still fits perfectly in yours. Maybe even better.

“I would love to.”

[sakasamurai707]

Oh boy I can’t sleep so here’s some Cyberpunk Relationship Headcanons!

Kerry x Male!V

-Kerry genuinely sung the ‘I love you, bitch. I’ll never stop loving you, bitch’ song to V on their three month anniversary, complete with the guitar. V had no idea what to say, and didn’t understand the reference.

-Kerry sleeps starfish style and with his mouth open. V has had to close his mouth because he drools in the night.

-Kerry swore he would never have an animal in his mansion before Nibbles came to be. After he met nibbles, Kerry bought him a throne style cat bed.

-Kerry doesn’t understand that not every kiss has to be with tongue. V has genuinely bitten his tongue because he just wanted a quick smooch before a gig.

Panam x Male! V

-Panam is allergic to pollen, but due to being in the badlands, she never knew until V brought her organic flowers. She sneezed for a week straight before realizing.

-V and Panam like racing, but V is terrible at driving. He once accidentally crashed her car into a pile of cacti.

-V and Saul sometimes have family dinner together, and Saul asks really personal questions about the relationship every time. (Example: ‘sooo…have you two screwed yet?’)

-when V can’t sleep, Panam takes him out to look at the stars. The first time she did, he cried, since he’d never seen them before due to the city lights.

….”if we don’t fix this chip thing, V, I’ll be looking up at those. You’ll be the prettiest star out there.”

Judy x Fem! V

-Judy loves telling V about her ocean and fish hyperfixation. Sometimes, she wishes she could afford to go to a real aquarium. V swears if she gets the money, she’ll take her on a date there.

-Judy and V have made braindances before, all to be kept in Judy’s “private folder.”

-V doesn’t understand why Judy is so emotional sometimes, but she’ll awkwardly hug her or kiss her when she starts crying.

-Judy’s favorite movie to watch with V is Ponyo. Judy knows the song by heart and sings it during the credits.

River x Fem! V

-Both River and V really want the other to quit their jobs, so sometimes they jokingly leave resignation papers on each other’s desks. V doesn’t really have a ‘boss,’ so River just leaves a sticky note that says “quit.”

-River really likes iguanas, so when V hatched hers, he cuddled with it more than her for a week straight. V had to deal with it being in between them in bed.

-Joss and V talk a lot, to the point where V will show up at his house just to completely ignore him and talk to his sister. River just ends up standing behind them awkwardly.

-River does the ‘broke boyfriend stance’ every time they’re in a store. Johnny makes fun of him for it.

-River and V are really cuddly, to the point River can’t fall asleep correctly without her beside them.

Bonus!!!! Johnny x GN! V

-Johnny has tried to convince V to kiss the mirror to see if it feels like an actual kiss. (It doesn’t.)

-V has a habit of telling Johnny ‘I love you’ out loud. They said it in front of Hanako right before the relic malfunction, and Hanako looked at them and said

“Uhm…thank…you…?”

-V eventually figures out how to get Johnny a new body and repair the chip. (In my heart I’m delusional.) Once they did, they didn’t let go of each other for weeks. They had the worst honeymoon phase.

-Johnny excessively jokes about soul killer. V does not find it amusing.

Bonus Bonus!!!! Takemura x GN! V

-Takemura cooks most of their meals after V revealed they mainly eat frozen tv dinners instead of real food. He’s Also really insistent that they drink water and shower.

-Takemura once brutally cried after seeing the full effects of the Relic Malfunctions, comparing it to when his Arasaka implants got revoked.

-Takemura didn’t know how to hug someone, so he accidentally nearly choked V.

-he also didn’t know how to kiss, so he just…opened his mouth.

-Takemura doesn’t understand sarcasm, so he takes whatever V says to its fullest meaning.

[0funsite0]

Poor us

Summary: You and Jimin have been living in poverty without parental help as they decided to disown you the moment you married the love of your universe. Life hasn't been easy ever since, but your love for each other and the will of building a family of your own may just be enough to concur all.

non-idol!jimin x pregnant!fem!reader

Warnings: pregnancy, poverty, medical issues, cold, malnutrition, childbirth

Word count: 2.9K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You felt another blanket being placed on your body.

- Chim, I think that's enough, but thank you. - you breathed out sleepily, as Jimin carefully lays down next to you on the mattress placed on the floor.

- No, love! It's freezing. We need to make sure you don't catch a cold. That wouldn't be good considering you are 28 weeks.

He was right. Your tiny apartment was located in the poorest part of town, where cutting the water or gas was done weekly by authorities, since there was always something wrong with the system. Now not even the tiny heater in your miniature room was radiating any warmth, meaning the only things keeping you and your baby growing inside your womb warm were those few blankets you had.

- This was our last blanket though... now you have none. - you extended your hands, motioning him to lay under your blankets.

He hesitantly lifted the blankets and slipped under them, wrapping his protective arms around your waist to scoot you closer to his body. Of course, he was mindful of your bump, making sure not to crush your little one inside. A warm smile spread across his face, as he felt the baby wiggle against his torso. Moments like this reminded him, that rich, or not, life was beautiful.

- Now, go to sleep, okay? - ha pleaded, while softly caressing your hair and back. - You need a lot of rest.

- Okay... - you yawned. - But you too! Night.

- I hate that you still go to work.

- Jimin, we talked about this before! Women in my condition usually have maternity leave around their last month. I just started my seventh month, we have 3 left. - before he could cut you off, you continued. - Besides, we can't afford to have minus one working hand. We need the money. I already quit one of my jobs.

- Then I'll get another job.

- A fourth one? There's no way I'm letting that happen!

- Jagi...

You cut him off with a kiss. That kiss brought him comfort and reassurance. He still didn't like the fact that even after the doctor told you you were a bit underweight and should make sure you didn't lose any more if you wanted the baby to be healthy, you were still on your feet all that at work, which also included some physical labor. Ever since that day, he would skip meals, so you could eat more. Of course, he never told you this, because he knew you'd never let him do that.

- Good night!

- Good night, Love! - then he put his free hand on your tummy. - Night, night baby!

-

- Mrs. Park, - your doctor sighed. - even though you made some progress compared to last time, you still seem a little underweight. I want you to keep in mind that malnutrition doesn't only affect the fetus' development but can also send you into premature labor.

These were definitely news that you expected to hear at your 32-week check-up, and you had plenty of time to prepare yourself, but you still couldn't stop the tears from escaping your eyes. These facts being said out loud sent shivers down your spine and made your heart fill with worry for your precious baby.

Tears kept running and running down your red cheeks and no one was there to wipe them away. Jimin had work, which he couldn't miss, and the old lady, who called herself a doctor definitely wasn't the one who would calm you down. She was extremely unsympathetic. You just wished your husband was there, holding your hand.

The gynecologist printed out your ultrasound pictures and handed you the papers which contained the updates on your and the fetus' health.  

You didn't have a car. None of you. So you had to walk all the way home, burning calories, which you couldn't afford to burn. But you had no other option. On your way to your apartment, you stopped in front of a bakery, just staring inside of the showcase, debating whether or not you should spend those few bucks you brought with you, on some nourishing pastries for yourself... more for your baby. The debate was obviously determined when you set your thin hands on your bump and felt your bundle of joy wiggle around. A soft, but sad smile appeared on your lips, and you went inside.

-

You sat in your scummy kitchen, munching on one of the cheese biscuits you bought earlier, when you hear the squeak of the front door, signaling that your husband was home. About time... it was 10 PM.

-  Hi, My Love!

He took his shoes off and hugged you, caressing your back and pressing a gentle hand on your bump.

- How did your appointment go?

- It went great. - you lied.

- Can I see the papers?

You froze. Oh no! That will give everything away.

- Uhm... I lost it.

- Jagi... Please don't lie to me, okay?

You realized that there was no reason to lie to your husband any further. You dug deep into your duffel bag you've been taking with you everywhere for years now. The time took a toll on it as well. The rips and lose threads were becoming more and more evident.

In the end, you pulled out the folded medical papers, which will soon reveal your little secret to Jimin.

He carefully read through the words, making sure he wasn't missing any detail.

You didn't dare to look at him. You were scared. you expected scolding from him, words that would send you tears.

Instead, you just felt thin arms wrap around you and delicate hands running up and down your bump.

- Oh Jagi! - he breathed.

You couldn't help the tears. You were an emotional mess. Relief, sadness, worry, guilt...

- A-are you m-mad?

- No, no! I'm not, baby.

He carefully lifted you and slipped under you n the chair, so he could set you on his lap. He turned your head to look him in the eye and was quick to wipe the tears away, which were continuously pouring onto your shirt. He just kept wiping and wiping them.

- I'm just so worried, Jagi... But... don't you worry, My Love, okay? We'll work on it. You'll be fine! Perfectly healthy!

-

- Love! I'm home! - he said as he closed the door.

- Chim? - you breathe out shakily.

Jimin could immediately sense the discomfort in your voice, so he is quick to get into the tiny bathroom your voice could be heard from.

He dropped everything he had on him the moment he saw your distressed figure on the floor hunched over the toilet, hands on your 34-week bump, and rat to your side.

- Baby! It's okay, let it all out!

- I haven't been able to keep anything down today.

- Oh God! Why didn't you call me?

- I don't have any money on my phone... I couldn't call anyone.

Jimin cursed at himself for forgetting to charge money on your phone. It was a very dangerous move from him, especially now that you are nearing the end of your pregnancy.

- I'm having a contraction... - you panted as you clutched your abdomen, still sitting on the floor.

His hands carefully flew to rest on your stomach as he felt around. Your bump was rock-hard. He panicked. You weren't full-term yet.

- Are you sure? Maybe they are just Braxton hicks... - he held onto the last bit of hope he had.

- I'm not sure... I hope though. - you straightened your posture as the tight feeling in your stomach eased. - Chim... - tears started streaming from your eyes. - These don't feel like Braxton hicks. My baby...

- Shhh... It's alright, don't worry. We'll get you to the hospital.

-

- Mrs. Park, you are now in pre-term labor, but we can give you medication that might extend your pregnancy by a few more days or weeks.

- How much does it cost? - you ask, laying in the uncomfortable hospital bed with pink and blue bands strapped around your bump, which attached little machines to your skin to detect the baby's and your vitals.

- No! She'll have it! - Jimin said with much confidence.

- Chim...

You could barely afford the hospital bills for your labor and delivery. You didn't need to add any more to that sum.

- Can we get a moment, please? - your husband addressed your doctor.

- Of course. - she walked outside.

Jimin sat down next to you on the bed, his eyes flaming as he stared at the bands and machines attached to your still small bump. At least compared to how far along you were. Baby didn't weigh much and you were supposed to work on that in the remainder of your pregnancy.

And while Jimin's stare was livid, he stroked your hand and talked in the most gentle way possible.

- You are getting that medicine. I'm not letting my baby have potential risks or even die!

- I know, Ji-

The next contraction hit you out of nowhere. You curled around your hardened stomach and gripped Jimin's shirt.

- Breathe, breathe! - he whispered.

- I know, - you started as the contraction ended. - and it's the last thing I want as well. But tell me honestly how will we pay for that. That shit is expensive and we d-don't even have baby products yet.

That's when the tears spilled.

- It's okay, - he wiped your eyes. - I'll make sure everything is perfectly fine. You'll have that medicine and won't worry about the bills. I'll sort everything out.

His tone calmed you a bit, just enough to stop crying. But it didn't free you from the concern you felt about your child's well-being.

Your husband called the doctor back in, who immediately started preparing the procedure.

- No, no! - you whined. - No needles, Chim...

- Shhh... - he stroked your hair. - Just focus on me. Think about how is you are strong now, we'll have a strong baby in a few weeks.

So you did. You were strong and the IV was in, pouring some fluid into you. You didn't look at it, but you were nauseous non the less.

Just in time, a nurse assisting the doctor shoved a bowl in front of you. You let out the contest of your stomach. You didn't know you had anything left in you, and now, vomiting with Jimin tying your back with an emergency hair tie on his wrist, then rubbing your back.

- We're going to wait now and see how your contractions turn out. If they stop, we'll do a check on the baby and determine whether you are safe to go back home or now. If they continue to progress, we'll get ready for delivery.

So you waited there in the arms of your husband. Breathing through contractions and praying. Praying that the medicine worked and that your baby is okay.

Hours went by, but the constant pains tormenting you never stopped.

- Mr. and Mrs. Park, I'm afraid there's no other solution, we have to go through with the delivery.

Your heart ached. You wished you could give your beloved child, whom you haven't seen yet but lived with everything you had, a bright future. You wanted them to grow up in comfort and love at the same time. These are things you got to experience in your life, only never at the same time. Comfort you had while in the care of your parents, but love you only ever found when comfort was taken away, with Jimin.

A strong contraction ripped through your abdomen, squeezing your helpless baby inside. Jimin was close to tears himself.

- Breath, beautiful. You've got this. - he whispered with a broken voice.

You would have thought that this little gesture (him reminding you to breath) would be useless and would only agitate you, but thanks to him you realized you've been holding your breath which didn't help with the pain. As soon as you were reminded by him you let as much air into your lungs as possible and that relieved a lot of pressure from your stomach.

At some point the pain got extremely bad. No matter what you did, walking around, or squatting, the pressure was worse than ever amd could no longer be relieved by breathing.

- Wow, that was a big one. - the nurse exclaimed as she inspected the red line on the monitor, possibly measuring the intensity of your contractions. - How do you feel about some kind of pain relief?

The word "yes" was at the very tip of your tongue, it wanted to escape faster than light travels. But a voice, that has been chanting the same word over and over again since the day of your engagement, stopped you. Money.

- What do you suggest? - your husband asked after seeing your doubtful gaze.

-No... Ugh... I- W-we can't... - you huffed in the middle of feeling your baby squirming in discomfort as your belly hardens again.

- What do you suggest? - Jimin asked again, this time with a much more impatient voice, ignoring your protests.

- At this point it would be too late for the epidural, but I would recommend either oxygen, or gas. Oxygen is great for your lung capacity, helping you with breathing, amd gas kind of works like a drug. It's completely harmless of course, it has a numbing effect, so your brain can't process pain the way it is now, making it seem less intense.

- Jim-Jimin! You no we can't-

- We'll take oxygen.

After a bit of time and a lot of convincing from your husband, the nurse brought all the equipment needed and soon you had a mask-like plastic thing in your hand. She showed you how to use it and you were good to go. You were hesitant at first, but after feeling the difference it made, you couldn't resist anymore.

Jimin was relieved to see you have some break from the constant torture. That break, however, didn't last long.

A sudden strange urge and pressure broke you from your relaxed state. Your water broke and the contractions, which brought your baby so low, came almost immediately after each other.

- I ned to PUSH! - with that last word you were pushing, there was no going back.

Jimin worriedly smacked the calling button above your head, and 3 nurses entered the room, taking their places around you like the professionals they were.

They quickly understood that you prefered being encouraged with gentle words, not like some who needed them to shout like a football coach. You were scared for your baby, who would be born prematurly into this cold world, without a warm home, without a place to sleep. Damn... you don't even have a crib yet.

The only thing that allowed you ta stay focused was the thought of your little baby being in your arms, and Jimin's heartwarming words. These two pushed you forward.

- IT BURNS! - you scream in pure agony.

- Push through it! It means you're doing it right. - one of the nurses assured.

To be honest you couldn't tell the difference between them at this point. You could barely even see, your vision was so blurred by the tears pouring down your cheeks.

- We're so close baby! So, so close. It'll all be over.

Oh how wrong he was...

Once this part comes to an end the rest and most difficult part begins.

Several pushes and one last scream later the pain faded into nothing and for the first time in your life, you smiled when a baby cried.

You remember countless times when on long plane rides a baby was close to you on an aircraft you silently cursed at all living species on Earth. You would do so again when you realize you forgot to bring your headphones, and you'd have to listen to the annoying wailing sounds of an uncontrollable infant. Now, however, it was the world's most wonderful sound.

He was alive, breathing, gunky and slimy, just covered in all kinds of birth fluids, but he was the most beautiful thing that's ever existed on this planet.

You became a mother.

A mother to a child whose father is the love of your universe. You chuckled at the silly thought. Of course, how else would it be?

Your beautiful newborn son was placed on your chest and his warmth made you forget all the hardships you've faced and the ones you'll have to face once this moment is over. He was tiny but had a healthy set of lungs and an even healthier heart, which was all you cared about. His squished face scrunched even more with his cries. You were in love for the second time in your life. You never thought your love could get bigger, you imagined becoming a mother would split your love into two, half for your husband, half for the new addition to the family. But you were so wrong!

- Our little son. - the voice of your husband pulled you out of the state of mind you were in. He pulled you out to be with him. Him and your son so you could enjoy these moments with those who matter. Who you live for.

- Thank you Jimin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/n: Might make a part 2 if enough people have interest in it, because I'm curious what happens to them now 🫣

[uh-niran-really]

Lifeweaver x Symmetra - Must you leave?

Content: Heart shattering angst. This might be the saddest one I’ve written. (I cried a lot writing this!)

Word Count: 3,800

A/N: Forgive me please… I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and needed to write my feelings out. I may do a second part to this if there is enough demand for it.

(Will be posting happier stuff next I swear!!)

“Must you leave me so soon Satya..?”

“Bua, you know I can’t stay here. I’m already pushing it by being here.”

Goodbyes were always hard, but today felt especially bad, and he didn’t know why. Niran looked at her with such hurt in his eyes, he hated seeing her go. Usually it was painful, but this time it felt heartbreaking.

“Stay.. please..” Niran grasped her hand and held it close to his chest. His eyes told her everything she needed to know. “Don’t go back to Vishkar.. Stay here.. with me..”

“You know I cannot do that Niran..”

His heartbeat was rapid, his skin felt warm. She could always melt into his touch, no matter the situation. Slowly Satya found herself against his chest, her ear to his centre listing quietly to his heartbeat, which seemingly got faster. Niran slowly wrapped his arms around her, loosely covering her small frame.

“Will I ever see you again..?”

“Niran..”

“This goodbye feels different.. Like you’ll leave me forever.. Why do you have to go back..?”

Niran was never one to tell her what to do. In fact he made it a point to stay out of her affairs, especially when it came to Vishkar. He felt awful begging her to stay, he just couldn’t shake the feeling that she would never return to him.

“It’s my job Bua. I cannot abandon the company, not when I’m so close to doing some good in the world.”

“Satya, you have done some good in the world. The Arcology could use another architect. A real one.”

She wished she could stay. This whirlwind weekend of romance had her heart in a vice. His body felt warm, safe. She knew Vishkar was starting to crack down on absences and she could only realistically afford to see him a few more times, maybe once more at a push.

“I-“

“Stay here.. with me.. I’m in love with you..”

“You know I’m in love with you too Niran.. I’d stay if I could..”

“What’s stopping you? You’ll have everything you’ll ever need her.. You’d have me..”

She pulled away from his warm arms, a small whimper leaving his lips. He missed her already and she hadn’t left his side entirely yet. Her hand remained in his, fingers rubbing his knuckles, soothing away his anxieties. The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to stay. It was weekends away from Vishkar that helped her to see the bigger picture.

“I apologise… I’ll support whatever you decide Satya, who am I to stop you..”

The thought of leaving suddenly became too much for her. One look at him and she felt as though leaving the company wouldn’t be such a bad thing. He was right. The Arcology could utilise her skills. She would be safe here, she could live comfortably, with him.

“I would need to get my things.”

“You mean-“

“I’ll stay.”

——🪷——

He had offered to come with her on the train, back to Utopea. He promised he would lay low and wait for her, but she declined. She worried for him, what if he were caught for such a reckless reason. No, Satya would return alone, collect her things and resign. Vishkar held no power over her, she didn’t need to stay.

“Be careful, I’ll wait right here.”

Niran took a seat on the platform, demonstrating where he would be, waiting for her to return. Satya couldn’t help but hug him, straddling his lap, resting gently. She was comfortable like this, much to his surprise.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

His arms slowly coiled around her frame, sinking into her body. She was quite a bit smaller than he was, he practically swamped her, though she didn’t mind one bit. He was like a blanket, covering her body and keeping her warm and safe. Without thinking clearly, he moved his hand to lift her chin, before planning a soft kiss to her lips. Quickly realising his mistake he pulled away, eyes wide.

“Ahh! Sorry Satya I- mmph.”

Her lips were on his again, both hands cupping his cheeks and holding him still. This was the first time they had kissed since their days at the academy. They were older now, more experienced, though for Satya she only ever had experienced him. Their lips locked and it felt beautiful, butterflies erupting in her stomach, just like the good old days with him. At some point his tongue slipped inside her mouth and danced with her own. Everything with Niran felt so right. She knew she had made the right decision. He pulled back from the kiss, a wide smile on his face, leaving her in awe of him. Satya loved to see him happy, he always did look gorgeous when he smiled.

“You’ll miss your train, dearest.”

She hesitated. Did she really need to go back? Could she just stay and forget her things? Niran would lend her some clothes, even if they were far too big for her. She supposed she could wear his shirts like a dress. The train called for final boarding and Niran stood, lifting her up in the process and carrying her to the door of the train.

“Niran I-“

“You’re beautiful.“

He never did have good timing with words, but right now, it felt right. She smiled, remembering what she was coming back to. His words melted away her troubles and left her feeling loved. Niran always did know what to say at the right time, in her mind.

“Sorry, I cut you off. It’s just, this light suits you, Satya.”

“It was nothing, just a fear. Thank you.”

He nodded, gently placing her down at the doorway to the train. His hands slipped off her body, catching her hands in the process, holding them tight. His eyes sparkled with tears, though she couldn’t tell if he was sad to see her go, happy to know she was coming back to him, or perhaps both.

“I’ll pick you up when you return. I’m going to go make space for you in my room. We’ll have to get you another bed unless-“

“We can share. I’ll be back soon Bua.”

His smile lit up the platform. She always attributed Niran to light, even before he created his Biolight. He was always the loudest person in the room, always putting smiles on people’s faces. She was always drawn to him like he was the sun itself. Her own personal sunshine. She hugged him once more and turned to walk to her private train car, one Niran lovingly arranged for her each time she traveled.

“Oh, I almost forgot!”

“Yes?”

“I love you, Niran.”

“Oh Satya.. I love you too.”

——🪷——

The train ride wasn’t anything special. Satya had gotten used to them by now. She knew the track off by heart. She knew where the train would bump, where the train would stop to collect new passengers, where the train would speed up. It hardly bothered her anymore, especially since this would be her last journey back to Vishkar.

Vishkar. How would they react to her leaving? Part of her was nervous at the thought. She began to stim, finding a calm in her movements. Fingertips touched, a small twist, followed by a flourish. She shook her hands out before starting again, her mind in overdrive. But then she thought of him. She knew she would be safe, that he would protect her.

Soon the train was pulling into the station. Satya waited for it to come to a stop before standing up and smoothing out the winkles in her dress. With a soft sigh, she got off the train, a familiar figure waiting there for her.

“I trust you had a good visit, Vaswani?”

“Sanjay? Yes. The visit went well. Are you here to pick me up, sir?”

Her superior, Sanjay, was never fond of her visiting the Arcology. He quite often protested it, yet there was never truly anything he could do. The higher ups deemed it appropriate. His Biolight was the upmost importance. She was allowed to frequently visit Niran as much as she wished… until…

“Good, I hope you cleaned up any loose ends, because you shan’t be going back there again.”

What? Surely she had misheard him. Her eyes flickered in shock, making the man chuckle. His hand reached out to cup her cheek, a sickening smile plastered on his face.

“You’re our best architect, pride of Vishkar. Such a task is beneath you now.”

“But sir-“

“Do not question my authority Satya dear. What reason have you to return?”

She had every reason to return. A better life, a chance to start a new, with Niran. Her heart thumped at the thought of him, waiting for her on the platform. He’d wait as long as it took. He’d be waiting forever. She couldn’t very well tell Sanjay this, he would never let her go after discovering the truth. Still she had to try.

“I wish to resign.”

“Resign? What gives you any idea that I would accept your resignation?”

“I don’t wish to work here any longer.”

Sanjay tutted, dropping his hand and turning his back on her. He placed his arms behind his back and began to walk to the exit. She remained in place, but quickly followed once he made it clear she was to proceed him.

“After all the company has done for you Satya, after all I have done for you, you just think you can up and leave. Why?”

“Sir I-“

“He’s been filling your head with nonsense, convincing you to stay for his own selfish desires. Such a pity you fell prey to such a childish brat. He’s leading you astray my dear.” He stopped to press a button, waiting for an elevator to arrive. Satya panicked, unsure what to do. “Fortunately for you, I can help lead you back onto the correct path.”

She didn’t want this. She wanted to get back to Niran. The elevator arrived and Sanjay took a step inside, holding the elevator for her. A voice boomed over the tannoy, announcing that the train was about to return to the Arcology.

“What are you waiting for? Get in.”

Niran was waiting for her, she couldn’t abandon him. The thought of him waiting all night for her to return killed her inside. She didn’t wish to stay here anymore, Vishkar never valued her as an employee, she had seen through them for a while now. The tannoy announced final boarding and she knew what she had to do.

“No.”

She turned and bolted back down the platform, running as fast as her heels would allow her. She just had to get to the train door, she could make it. If needed she could open a teleport, but she would risk Sanjay following her through it. He was already chasing her down the platform, screaming for her to stop, but she didn’t listen. She had one goal in mind, getting back to Niran.

“SATYA! GET BACK HERE AT ONCE!”

She was so close to the train now, she could make it. Kicking off her heels, she began to run faster, fuelled by the thought of safety. The Arcology granted immunity to anyone who lived there, it had housed Niran safely for years now. Vishkar couldn’t touch him, and soon they couldn’t touch her. She could finally be free from her cage. Spread her wings and fly like a free bird should. She reached the train door, and stepped on, but not before Sanjay grabbed her arm.

“Let go of me!”

“You are such a spoilt little brat, just like he is! HE HAS CORRUPTED YOU!”

He yanked her off the train and she screamed at him to let her go, kicking and screaming. His grip was locked and he wasn’t letting go anytime soon. The train doors shut and she screamed louder, pleading with him to just let her leave. She attempted to pry his hand off with her fingers, wishing he grabbed her cybernetic instead. She could just as easily disconnect it from her body and leave without it if needed.

“GET OFF ME! NIRAN! I WANT NIRAN! LET ME GO!”

“Oh you aren’t going anywhere, not for a very long time. I think me and you should have a little chat about your attitude, Symmetra.”

——🪷——

Niran was giddy with anticipation. He had spent the last few hours cleaning his living space, ready for her to move in with him. He had cleared space in his closet ready for her things. Dusted the place and rearranged furniture to make it more spacious. His heart skipped a beat each time he thought of her living with him. He was truly happy.

Once done with the cleaning he took a shower. He wanted to look his best, not that she would really care either way. It pleased him to look good for her. He was mindful to put his dirty clothes and towel in his laundry basket, and not leave them on the floor. Satya wouldn’t like that. He was quite the chaotic person, in comparison to her organised personality. They made quite the pair.

“I can’t wait to see you.”

He sighed lovingly at the thought of her. In just a few short hours, they would be together again. He blushed at the thought of having her here. Would it be like old times? Would it differ in anyway? He wasn’t sure but he was excited to find out.

He decided to stop off at the florist on the way to the station. It was a charming little store front, with a lovely vendor. They too had a garden, just like him, they grew such beautiful flowers. Niran often exchanged pleasantries with them wherever possible.

“Ahh good evening to you Niran. What do I owe the pleasure?”

“Ngai sà-hǎai.” He bowed his head slightly, bringing his palms together in greeting, his expression warm and loving. “I’m here to trade for some of your beautiful flowers.”

“Lost the ability to make your own?”

He chuckled. Such a goofy sounding laugh, followed up by an almost devious smile. Almost everyone he spoke with knew of his abilities to make flowers, though hardly anyone was aware of his Biolight. He was quite proud of his flower making talent, showing off whenever he got the chance. A rose here, a rose there. So effortless, beautiful.

“Oh no, rather, these are for someone special.”

“I see, wouldn’t happen to be that Vishkar woman I see you canoodling with every other weekend?”

“You’d be correct.” He smiled. “My childhood best friend, though these days were on much sweeter terms.”

He traded a hairpin for some beautiful roses. To him, there was nothing more timeless. It screamed romance, love, desire. He wondered if Satya would appreciate the gesture, when he just as easily could have made his own. Still he chose not to dwell on it, opting to live in the moment. He pictured her face and the small smile she would make when receiving them.

The station was a short elevator ride away, from there a brief walk to the platform. He regained the seat he had promised to wait for her on, butterflies fluttering in his stomach. Soon a train pulled in. It would be the one returning directly from Utopea, the one Satya was on. He knew she wouldn’t likely be on this one, but he stood anyway, just in case.

Several people got off, non of them his stoic Angel. He knew it was unlikely so sat back down to wait once more. The train pulled off and he looked at the board. He’d be waiting a while for the next one to arrive, around an hour or so, but he didn’t mind. She was most likely on this one, so he allowed himself to get excited.

The hour flew by and he found himself standing once again, flowers in hand, beaming. He waited with bated breath, watching to see a wave of raven hair or a flicker of azure blue.

No such sight came…

“Oh. Perhaps she missed this one.”

He glanced to the board again and found he would be waiting another couple of hours. He reclaimed his seat and waited. He missed her dearly. He did hope she was alright, but chose not to read too much into it. He waited patiently and loyally for the next two hours. To pass the time he fantasised about her lips, wondering if she would let him kiss them again. The thought had him blushing.

“What I wouldn’t give to have those against mine..”

The train was announced over the tannoy and he squealed, jumping to his feet in an instant. He watched as the train pulled in and the doors flung open, a crowd of people getting out. Most people were coming to visit loved ones who lived here. How romantic. He clutched the roses close to his chest, waiting with a nervous smile.

“Oh Satya, I wish you wouldn’t toy with my heart like this!”

His smile remained until every person had passed had passed him, clearing the platform, leaving him all alone. He sighed, looking at the board once more, taking note of the time. She was still coming right? He slumped back in his chair, head spinning with thought. She wouldn’t lie to him, would she? She was still coming, right? She didn’t lie.. she wouldn’t..

For the next hour, he came up with a list of reasons why she was still coming. His main arguments being the kiss, and the declaration of love. He reassured himself over and over again that she would be back by his side in no time. Then the doubt creeped in, pulling him back into despair. He started to imagine her changing her mind about living with him. Had he pushed her into something she just didn’t want to do? Was it all a lie?

“You’re still coming right.. oh god.. What if I came on to strong.. you’re such a fool Niran..”

He almost threw up with nerves, when the final train of the evening pulled in. She had to be on this one. It had been hours. If she wasn’t on here, she likely wasn’t coming.

“Please.. please Satya..”

He searched the swarm of people, eyes welling up with tears. With each person who passed him, he died a little more inside. He felt his heart start to ache, pleading with her in his mind. He wanted to rip his heart out to spare himself the pain.

“Satya..”

Then he saw it. A swift swish of azure blue, a smidge of raven hair. Satya. He took off running down the platform, overjoyed that she was here. His heart swelled and he let his tears fall, a new meaning, tears of relief and happiness. He ran up to the woman and picked her up, spinning her around.

“Oh Satya I- oh..”

A younger lady with raven hair and a blue scarf stood before him, a little shocked by his presence and actions. Niran stared at the woman, she looked nothing like Satya. He quickly put her down and took quick a step back.

“Please forgive me.. I.. I thought you were.. someone else..”

He stepped aside, letting the woman pass. She hurried down the platform, a little frightened, but otherwise fine. His head spun as he searched again, looking for her. Tears formed again and he gripped the roses tighter. He tried his best to remain calm, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared.

“Satya!”

He called out to her, hoping she would answer. He hoped she was amongst the crowd of people, but as seconds passed it was becoming more and more obvious that she wasn’t here. He stumbled over to the wall, and held it for dear life. Was she truly not coming? Did she give up on him? Tears began to stream down his face and he choked back a sob. The train announced is departure and he looked back once more to check if she was standing there. The platform remained empty.

“I love you.. you said you loved me.. so… why aren’t you here..”

Try as he might, he couldn’t hold back anymore. His sobs echoed across the platform, his body slumped to the floor, curling up to seek comfort. If she was coming back, she’d be here by now. Three trains had arrived, none of them carrying her.

“Did you change your mind… Satya?”

Then a sickening thought crossed his mind, one that made him spew his guts into a nearby trashcan, that he just about reached in time. What if they didn’t let her leave? What if they had done something to her? He cast his mind back to his earlier offer of going with her. Had he have gone, she would be safe.

“No… no no… Satya…”

They wouldn’t hurt her would they? He had no idea anymore. Satya gave no indication as to what the company did currently. He was so in the dark about it all. He knew they couldn’t be trusted, he should have gotten on that damn train with her!

“What do I do.. Satya.. what do I do?”

He felt sick with worry. What if she was killed? They wouldn’t do that, surely.. but what if they found a reason. What if he never saw her again? Tears blinded him as he attempted to head back to his room, but he could hardly move. Fear took over his body at the thought. Satya was good at her job sure, but she could easily be replaced by their standards. Train up some other candidate to replace her. If they were to fire her, she would be here now. She was either held captive or dead- no. She couldn’t be. He just didn’t know and that scared him most.

“I- I should have gone with you.. I shouldn’t have let you to go by yourself.. Fuck!”

His body gave out on him and he hit the floor. The roses he was holding burst, sending petals scattering across the platform. His body trembled with fear, anger and heartbreak. He lay on the cold concrete debating what he should do, he was too weak to move much. His mind screamed at him to think. Should he stay or should he go? They would capture him for sure, but he couldn’t leave her, not again. With every ounce of strength he had left he crawled onto the train. The doors snapped shut behind him, locking in his split second decision. He wouldn’t leave her with them.

Even if it cost him his life… and it likely would…

…he would rescue her… Life protects life.. His life for hers..

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hey, Ralph.

I don’t know how to word this, but do you have any tips for learning to enjoy life again? I’m 24. Just graduated a couple months ago with a Masters. I feel stuck in my current job—not really liking the work anymore, not feeling fulfilled, not making a lot of money, not clicking with my boss. I do what my boss asks but I don’t feel supported by him and don’t see him as someone I can go to if I have a question or need help, which slows down my work. I also feel so much pressure from my parents to do well in my career. My relationship with my dad consists only of talk about my career/money and how I’m not where I need to be in life. He hates that I didn’t major/work in a STEM field or do business.

I don’t really have any interests either. I mean, I feel so burnt out from my education that I can’t even enjoy the things I used to anymore. I went straight from undergrad to masters and feel really burnt out from that. I used to love reading and writing but I can’t enjoy it without feeling like it’s an assignment. But I also find it hard to commit to learning new things now that I don’t have deadlines or guidance on it. I don’t really do much when I’m not working. And I find myself being more and more envious of friends who are having new experiences, getting prestigious jobs, and doing things I’m still afraid to do.

I hate living at home with my family and I fell into a really serious depression when I had to move home from campus at the start of the pandemic. Even though I’m an adult there are rules I have to follow. I can’t really go out or drink, and it’s pretty traditional for the whole family to live together so I feel like I’ll never be able to move out, even if I could afford it (which I’m not quite able to do yet). There’s no privacy and no peace. We can’t even get along yet no one can just move out. I feel so fucking suffocated sometimes.

I’m terrified of driving even though I have my license. I have serious social anxiety and only one friend. I find it hard to stick up for myself and am often seen as weak. I struggle to stay consistent in my search for a new job just because I’m terrified of rejection and of the interview process. I’ll start and stop but can just never stay committed. So I’m stuck.

I was in therapy but now that I graduated I no longer qualify for reduced price sessions. I also am not sure how much it really helped, but I guess I felt better when I had then vs not having them now.

Objectively, things aren’t that bad. I still have a job and savings and have somewhere to live and find joy in little things, like new music. And I’m so lucky to have a sister that is comfortable driving and takes me where I need to go. I also dream about a better life, and that makes me happy momentarily but that ends up making me sad when I begin to think how far away (or even impossible) that is for me. Seriously wishing I was a kid again.

I know you don’t know me and wouldn’t be able to fix/solve anything even if you did, but do you have any words of wisdom you can share for how to navigate tough times?

Oh anon - I'm sending you so much love. I'm sorry that you're . I'm particularly sorry about your Dad and your living situation - that is really hard.

What worries me about offering advice is it seems like your brain is using anything you could do to make your life better as something that you're failing at.

So my first bit of advice - is understand that the voice in your brain is not always telling you the truth.

For example, your brain seems to be telling you that you can only find a job if you commit to the process. That's not true. You don't have to stay committed to a job hunt to find a new job. A job hunt is much more like a lottery, than building up a particular muscle. Each application that you put in is a chance. The fact that you've put in 10 applications doesn't improve your chances on the 11th (guess how I know?). Every new job application is a new chance.

Unfortunately you can't know when the winning ticket will come up and rejection from jobs is horrific (or at least I've always found it so). Do what you can - don't set impossible standards.

Reading this - it seems to me that you're doing really well in difficult circumstances. Can you start by acknowledging that?

**********

One of the questions I have is - how much is a problem is it that you can't drive? It will really depend on where you live. In some places you can do what you fundamentally need - to do whether or not you can drive. In other places, driving is essential for independence and ability to do things. Even when it's perfectly possible to navigate the world without a car - driving can still feel like something you should be able to do. Can you unpack those feelings? Are there options to get where you want to go besides driving? In which case who cares if you can drive?

In terms of not feeling overwhelmed. I think it'd be good to consciously pick some aspects of your life that you're not working on. You can't find a new job, plan to move out, figure out how your driving anxiety and you driving can coexist and find a free therapist all at once. Start gentle. Aim to do one of those, sometimes, but make sure you don't do any of it at least one weekend a month.

It doesn't matter which one you pick - it really doesn't. It's the act of consciously not doing the others that matters.

**********

Another thing you could do is do things that are easy and do them badly. You say that you don't have the energy to learn new things. You seem to have a lot of gremlins in your brain that says you must be good at things for them to be worthwhile (not your fault).

I've done some drawing over the last few years - I'm definitely can't draw - I just do it sometimes and I feel my brain go 'I like this form of stimulation'. Or maybe buy a cheap craft kit aimed at children so you can make something (I've recently borrowed some lego off family members with children and made it and found that very satisfying). Don't push this - don't do things because you should - but think about doing something playful (google artists dates for other ideas)

*********

Finally, and this is my most concrete bit of advice - don't try to make friends - just try to do things with other people. Thinking about 'making friends' is to set yourself a task that you can't control. Make the thing you're trying to do as easy and achievable as possible.

For human contact when you're feeling isolated - the easiest thing is to go along to something that is already happening and happening regularly. This could be a class (anything that takes your fancy - as long as you won't try and be good at it), something that has some kind of purpose (plant trees or overthrow the government), or events like board game evenings. If you do something with other people regularly that will help your brain. You might make friends, or you might not, but adding things to your life (as an experiment - you don't have to stick at things you don't enjoy) is your best chance to find some joy.

*******

Some further advice that might help.

I recommend Captain Awkward - who has good advice about on what to do when it feels impossible to leave home and how to find people.

I also think Oliver Burkeman can be really good for burned out people who still want to make their life better.

Finally - it is really hard navigating this world. You are doing really well.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Finish the Feed and Plug the Thing(s?)

It's the thing! You know! The thing! You've seen the thing, haven't you? You're on the internet, you must like things! This one is so rare I don't even post it every day! Ooooh, maybe you should CLICK the thing?

It should be illustrated but I'm slow at that right now and I got bored with not putting up new instalments. It's got text-based steampunk marginalized techno-wizards in it, though! Magic is code and code is magic!

Today there's a new instalment!

I'm lookin for readers! And if you're reading, you gotta tell me, 'cos my hit counter is free and buggy AF. I'll never see you for sure unless you say something!

Current known readers: 3 (hi!), 1st Goalpost: 10?

Current supporters: 1 (hi Kith!), 1st Goalpost: 5?

And under the cut, a sample... er, a sample from a WIP that's only tangentially related because I need to get over the fear of showing it to people gradually or I'll never put it up anywhere. Thanks for volunteering to help me with my mental health! CW: Language, abuse, trauma, two sluts being slutty because that's how they relate to people, etc...

[Soooo... This is what I'm writing right now instead of getting the NDA out of Cyre. I know I shouldn't be, but it's getting to be like samefooding when I'm stressed. Pretty stressed due to new meds that are rewiring my brain in fun new ways, and I keep goin' back to it.

[But, honestly, Satan laid eggs in my brain, this hatched, and it's still hatching. I know I shouldn't mix my original work with toys that don't belong to me, it's tacky and possibly illegal, but so am I. I just wish I could be those things unselfconsciously. Scared to show anyone but the spouse likes it and I wanna encourage him to put himself out there more so... I'M DOIN IT FOR YOOOOOU, BABE!

[But just a contextless sample for now...]

“No, no, I prefer the kitchen. One should always serve one’s friends in the kitchen, it’s just more personable. It’s just, they used to lock me out of mine. Sharp objects, you know.”

Angel stretched across the doorway, two hands on either side. “And, are ya cool with sharp objects now?”

David waggled a hand. He brushed politely past. “Oh, more or less. I’ll give you a dramatic, screaming heads up if I have an urge to stab myself, all right? Or maybe…” He paused and laid a hand on the countertop. “Your bread box is snoring. Also, there is a sticky note on it that says, ‘Do Not Open, Not Bread’?”

“It’s Niff,” Angel said. He pulled David away. “And she sleeps with a cleaver, so… Eh, just keep ya voice down.”

“And don’t open it?”

“Yeah.”

Angel started to put the coffee together. David sat at the kitchen table, wary of opening anything at all.

“Carmine would give you a job makin weapons in a heartbeat,” Angel said, without looking over. “S’long as that metal thing don’t tire ya out like the mind control. But the rent’s free, and the food’s free — when there’s food.”

“Oh. Well, that’s nice to know.”

“There’s usually some jambalaya in the fridge, since Alastor showed up.”

“He cooks?” David touched a hand to his head, blinking. “Good Lord, I think I cook. No, that’s not me. I’m sorry, I did say I had to pick up a lot of my memories second-hand. I swiped most of them off this poor, stupid kid, and I have some of his too. He cooks. It’s all very cheap and easy, but there are a lot of fancy desserts. The boy has a mad passion for fancy desserts, and he can’t afford them if he doesn’t make them himself.”

“How did you leverage your memories out of a stupid kid, if ya don’t mind my askin?”

“Well, I can’t read minds, but he can, and I happened to be living rent free in his head at the time. Coincidentally, he knew someone who knew me quite well, and he read her mind, and then I used him to read her some more…” David shook his head. “It’s weird here, but it’s not un-weird where I come from. You have no idea.” He chuckled. “Things are weird all over, to the best of my recollection. Fancy a midnight tiramisu, Mr. Dust?”

“Maybe. If ya can do me a cannoli, I’m interested…”

“Is that what they’re calling it in Italy? ‘A little midnight cannoli,’ yes. Well, perhaps not little…”

“Pretty sure I was in that film already, and if I wasn’t, I’m stealing that title. That’s porno gold.”

David rested his chin on clasped hands. “I do love movies. Are any of yours playing?”

“Lots, I got some on my phone, but before we get into that, someone better tell you: your new best friend ain’t interested in either kinda cannoli. I haven’t seen that guy get anywhere near sex or sugar, barring that muffin, so that means you haven’t either.”

David scoffed. “When we are very manly, masculine and secure, one needs must flee, screaming, from muffins and cock. What else is a real man to do?”

Angel set two coffee mugs on the table with a clunk, and leaned over David. “Any kinda sex.”

“Oooooh.” David snickered. He added a large dollop of Irish cream to each mug, then perched on his chair like an eager girl at a slumber party. “Repressed or queer?” He laughed. “Or both?”

“How is no-sex-at-all queer?”

“Well, it annoys the hets and challenges their antiquated social institutions.”

“Aw, Christ.” Angel thudded two sets of elbows on the table and put his head in one set of hands. “Don’t tell him, alright? Please don’t tell him. If I run into that guy at a leather bar, he’ll put me off sex for life… He’ll fuckin convert me!”

“Maybe you’ll convert him?”

“That’s even worse!” Angel laughed. “Oh, God, I might’ve, a couple months ago, but we been through some shit. It’s too weird. It got real weird.”

“Anything I should know?”

The spider sighed. “Probably.” He paused with a hand on his chest fluff. “I’m not a hundred-percent sure he knows. He don’t watch TV.” He shook his head and drew out his phone. “But he probably knows. At least some of it.” He offered David a single earbud.

“Is it an upper or a downer?”

“Jesus.” Angel stood and wandered behind David’s chair. “It’s so we don’t wake Niff. Ya got ears? Ya got ears goin on in there?”

David patted his own head, and flaming hairstyle, with a hand. “I must have something…” He accepted the earbud and eventually found some kind of structure that would allow it. “Ooh, I like that! It’s catchy! Is that you?”

“Fuck,” Angel fumbled his phone and closed out an app.

“Aww.”

“It’s just a demo.” He looked aside. “It’s some shit I made up when I was dissociatin. I imagined a whole dance number, but I dunno... I sounded sexier in my head.”

“You sounded sexy enough in mine.”

Angel looked up, with a brief smile. “You’re cute, Dave.”

David winced. “Sorry. My dear little namesake uses that. I don’t, but…” He sighed and shrugged. “Oh, well. He’s not here. I don’t mind it from you.” He smiled. “And there’s something about the other name you don’t like, so forget it. ‘Dave Valentine’ it is!” The smile faded. “No?”

Angel looked pained. “It’s not that, it’s… We’re havin some trouble with Vees. Ya might wanna lose the other half of that. It might getcha in trouble. And ya don’t wanna get in trouble with that guy… those guys.”

“Oh, I don’t mind changing up the last name at all,” David said. “I often do! It’s not as if I have a family I care about. I’m just awfully fond of twee little heart motifs and… and… uh… butterflies?”

Angel was clutching his phone so hard his hand was shaking. That last word even warranted a shudder.

David got up and backed away until his hip hit the counter. He leaned against it and peered into his coffee cup. He spoke softly, “Is your Mr. Vee who may or may not be fond of hearts or butterflies a work friend or a friend-friend?”

“Neither.” Angel turned away. “Work.”

“Ah.” David nodded. He toyed with the rim of his cup. “Might someone help you fill out a letter of resignation?”

Angel shook his head.

“Oh, well. If that’s how it is, that’s just how it is.” David crept a little closer and put an experimental hand near him, just on the table. When there was no objection, he smiled and left it there. “If you ever need anyone to spot you some extra concealer…” He trailed away. “Though I doubt I have your shade.” He poked at the back of his own orange hand. “Or mine, come to think of it.”

Angel looked up. He covered David’s hand with one of his own. “That mind-control thing, does that work on everyone?”

David looked pained. “I… I don’t know how it works here. I’ve met people it doesn’t work on at all, and some of them shake it off. I think… I think I’ve done some experimenting. There are other places, other parts of me that know more about it, I might go back and remember… But I don’t know if any of that applies here. I can’t guarantee it. And… That wouldn’t be safe for you, would it?”

The spider sighed. He turned away again.

The bird offered a faint smile. “I might tell him to kill himself, if Charlie lets me. If it landed, would that fix it?” He put up a hand. “If it didn’t, you could always tell him I’m an insane ass and let him take it out on me. I can’t be killed, and I have excellent pain tolerance, especially when…”

Now Angel put up a hand, and David quieted.

“She won’t let you,” the spider said. “Not like that. She thinks everyone can be better.”

“Oh, she is adorable. But we know better, don’t we?”

Angel put a casual elbow on the table and his head in his hand. He regarded David out of the corner of one eye. “You still usin extra concealer on a regular basis? Wherever the resta you is?”

“Oh, no, I prefer to damage myself now.” David smiled. “I’m freelancing!”

“Like how you don’t like sticky drinks and hate fun?”

“He’s dead,” David said flatly. He smiled again, a perfectly hideous smile. “I killed him, of course.”

Angel sat up, more shocked than surprised. “What? You? How?”

“What?” David shooed him away. “Oh, it was ages ago. A gun or something. It’s not important. I’ve quite forgotten.”

Angel frowned. He nodded. “Uh-huh. Yeah. I shot Val a whole buncha times too.” He picked up his phone. “So, the thing is…”

David pushed the phone back down to the table, scowling. “The thing is, that thing was supposed to be my father. On paper, at least. So I couldn’t do it right away. Not if I wanted to get away with it. A person has to be practical. I am a very practical person.”

[Yeah, I started writing that part just to see if it was worthwhile and I actually got David to cough up one of his three backstories, all of which are embellished to the point of absurdity but partly true. I've been meaning to write those out forever and this tricked my brain into doing it. I had to put him on equal footing with another traumatized person and pour Irish coffee on him in a corporeal form that gets drunk for real, but I got it out of him! So I went back to write the beginning and now it's *checks* 69 pages long. Oh. Nice!

[It's gotta go up somewhere because I can't help but say it's canon for David, but maybe he just did a shitton of god drugs and passed out in front of Amazon Prime, ya know? That's probably it.]

[sunnisurrealism]

Hi everyone I just want to give an update on my well-being. Today I realized I didn’t send in a consent form to BC Pharmacare and that’s why my coverage wasn’t working, but I called, they told me what to do, and I found the form. This is good because my psychiatrist said i their was an error. So now there shouldn’t be any issues with me obtaining Person With Disability Status and the following monthly stipend and health care benefits.

I am coming to boundless realizations and I am going through a rage mode. I am quite sure I have severe adhd but I have not been assessed. Every single day is an immense struggle of being organized. I have a billion thoughts that I cannot simply get out without feeling like I have to write a whole series of books. Thus, my state is endless restlessness. I feel like Paul, but I know I’m not alone in my destiny like he kinda is. Don’t worry I’ll delete this later. Im not genuinely pissed at anyone in particular, for that would be pointless. I understand that my secret fans know I am a kind person at heart. Quite deeply. Sometimes I need to vent. It’s just that, I can’t afford to not express myself in fear of upsetting my secret fan(s) you Timothée because they cannot help me. Once I have more money and not chronic financial insecurity I won’t be constantly so on edge. I wish my adhd didn’t get in the way so much, and I wish I could go on meds for it but I can’t cuz I’m bipolar. Please never expect anything from me except mail on our birthdays. I cannot stand the pressure and it greatly impedes on my ability to function, which make it no point. I’m not pissed at you Timmy at all you are literally a baby Angel boi. I’m sad MB stopped replying but I’m assuming it was to protect me against my own manic uncontrollable thoughts and tendencies. I respect trust and understand. I’m mostly pissed I have no schedule in my life, which I will work on once I get back from my next trip to Victoria job I see the psychiatrist again. I’m pissed my life is neverending chasing appointments and the beaurocratic system of the government. I often wish I had my own personal assistant to help me because I am so so so overwhelmed I just end up ruminating my life away and failing to eat.

I know the real core of my issue, which is quite obviously, desperation for contact with My Dearest Love Felix. I constantly feel like I’m drowning in an ocean of jaded confusion without him. I’m annoyed when he doesn’t show up in my dreams when I’ve tried. I’m so god damn annoyed that I don’t know the real him and contextually speaking what his sexuality is like. I don’t know if there is hurt feelings or guilt but from that Coldplay song I assumed there was. I am really sorry, but also know I haven’t done anything wrong. it’s painful beyond comprehension in my little brain not knowing what in him is happening. I know though that he conceptually understand that he needs to be my rock, even from afar. Because my disillusionment levels are higher due to not knowing him and im not PR trained to become famous. This sounds so savage but I really really really need him to be stronger than me. At least in this way this story is gender normy. I definitely have a savior complex with him, although during May I saw myself as his Angel savior because he had been waiting so long. Sometimes Chani comforts Paul and Paul Chani. 🧜🏻‍♂️

The more that my secret fans help to accelerate collective transcendence in the name of social surrealist level global compassion IMMEDIATELY STARTING NOW. I don’t think all of us are taking this seriously enough… The more they lift the burden off me in the future. I know this sounds self-centered, but I am fully committed to the biggest dream theoretically possible on earth which if overcoming all systems of oppression. Not only because of the potential rewards, but also because it is what my heart genuinely wants to do when I become famous. Lots of hella people already align with this dream for humanity, I would say everyone actually. But we have to take it so so so much further if we are to address the climate change and i sustainability problem. And it also is the secret key to the mating crisis because emotional intelligence characteristics are evolutionarily advantageous 🌺this path of humanity expanding empathy is extremely obvious, it has always has been and forever will be. Those who don’t align just have broken hearts, which is another reason for the acceleration of compassion. The way thru is not going to change. It’s just the story of humanity.

I do not understand what is happening in the empathetic telepathy / quantum entanglement thing, but it was never going to always be good. At least it’s interesting 🍿

[aizenat]

This girl who they were trying to promote over me at my last job got fired/quit today lol. Long story short she acted like a banshee after me and my ex-boss ended up quitting within a week of each other.

That department is now a bunch of new ppl with little to no knowledge, no real leadership, and trainees. Lol.

The only thing I’m mad about is she managed to go out on her own terms. She doesn’t deserve it. Her husband apparently got a new job/position so I’m sure they can afford to live (barely; but working class Trump supporting whites don’t care about that) on just his income. She also called out Friday and yesterday, and after calling out yesterday apparently had no pto left. Sis was planning to quit. She went home on Thursday after being caught being shitty to their new trainee (who is Black but she was straight bullying the girl to the point she asked to go back to being an operator; my mother believed this girl was racist especially with how she treated me and while I wouldn’t have made that accusation, it is interesting that she’s apparently being mean to her Black trainee when I’ve heard her train white ppl without driving them out of the department), and called out Friday. She was purposely trying to use up her time.

I’m sure after talking to our old boss (who quit to be a stay at home mom; her checks mostly went to daycare anyway, so after she and her man came into some money through inheritance, they decided to just use that for savings and investments while living off his chick and not having to pay for daycare) and her husband, they decided that if she was reprimanded she could just quit. And so when she finally went in and the manager pulled her in to tell her she was on probation, she apparently tossed her badge at them and was like “I’ll save you the trouble” and basically quit.

Which honestly from what I heard the manager wanted to fire her last week but couldn’t because hr told her she couldn’t lol. So her quitting really is great because she now can’t sue the company and that department is free from her. And apparently the department was super light and peppy with homegirl gone.

Girl lost her bag and now she’ll be even more alone and isolated with those kids who are driving her so crazy she’s had to start therapy to deal with and she thinks she’s won but she lost a job paying more than she’d get anywhere else without a degree that’s she’s had for over 20 years. Like girl when your man becomes overbearing or you wish you had somewhere to go where your kids aren’t there, good luck. Since they’re literal card carrying/dues paying NRA members, I just hope I don’t hear anything crazy happening at their house. Cuz her and her gleefully racist beau are the types…

[prismatranslates-cue]

Yuzuha [Neorealism!] Part 1

Kirika: Today your assignment will be a study based on the film Bicycle Thieves.

Yuzuha: Coach, over here!

Kirika: Yes, Kujo-san?

Yuzuha: I had my bike stolen once.

Kirika: I’m sorry to hear that.

Kirika: Despite the title, the protagonist is actually the victim of a bike theft.

Yuzuha: Oh, just like me then.

Kirika: The film was made quite a few decades ago, so keep in mind that the value of a bicycle was different from what it is today.

Kirika: You would do well to take note of the historical background, the social classes of the different characters, and the relationships between parents and their children.

Yuzuha: Coach, over here!

Kirika: Yes, Kujo-san?

Yuzuha: Who are the thieves?

Kirika: You can see for yourself when you watch the film.

Kirika: Your assignment is to watch the film and pick one scene to reenact as a group. You may take liberties with the script if it better suits your own interpretation.

Kirika: Furthermore, I’d like to assign the scriptwriting to…you, Kujo-san.

Yuzuha: Okay.

---

Chisa: Kirika-sensei’s really figured out how to handle Yuzuha.

Yuzuha: Hm?

Chisa: Oh, nothing. Have any of you ever watched this movie?

Yuuki: Nope.

Airi: I think it’s from Italy, and from before films were in colour.

Chisa: It’s not one of those silent films, is it?

Airi: I don’t think so…?

Yuzuha: Hmm, I’m not that great with Italian.

Chisa: You’re not…thinking of writing our script in Italian, are you?

Yuzuha: You think I shouldn't?

Chisa: Uh, obviously!

Yuuki: I don’t see a problem.

Chisa: Huh?

Yuuki: I know a bit of Italian myself! “Buono!” and all that.

Airi: Oh, that means “Yummy!” right?

Yuuki: Yep yep. …That’s pretty much all I’ve got.

Chisa: And that one word is enough for you to feel confident doing a whole script in Italian…?

Yuzuha: Mm, sorry Yuuki. I’m really not confident enough with Italian, so I’ll stick to Japanese.

Yuuki: Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Chisa: Why do you sound so ungrateful?

Airi: We should go rent a DVD of it on the way home!

---

Yuzuha: Hey, I found these two copies of it from two different aisles. Which one should we get?

Airi: I would think either one is fine…?

Chisa: What, do you think they were sorted separately because they’re that different?

Yuuki: If you’re really worried about it, we can always just rent both.

Yuzuha: Good idea! Let’s do it ♪

Chisa: Is there really a point to that…?

---

Chisa: That’s how it ends, huh…What a downer. I wish it was a bit happier.

Yuzuha: Mmm.

Yuuki: He never got his bike back in the end.

Airi: Poverty is definitely a key theme.

Yuzuha: Which part should we do a reenactment of?

Yuuki: Yuzuha probably can’t even imagine what being poor is like.

Yuzuha: Should we try to focus on acting out being poor?

Airi: It’s an integral part of the story, there’s no avoiding it. The characters had to pawn off their bedsheets to even be able to afford food.

Chisa: Just thinking about it hurts my heart.

Yuzuha: I guess the hardest thing for me to relate to is how worked up they got over that bicycle. For me, someone stealing a bike might as well be stealing a cheap umbrella, you know?

Chisa: You really are something else…

Airi: Maybe you could try imagining something in place of the bicycle?

Chisa: Yuzuha, what’s something that you’d hate to have stolen from you?

Yuzuha: Hmm…maybe my bag.

Chisa: Your bag, huh. Okay, so what would you do if it did get stolen?

Yuzuha: Buy another one.

Chisa: Right? But the protagonist in the film couldn’t do that, so he was desperately searching for that one bicycle.

Airi: Especially since he needed it for his job. Without that bicycle, he couldn’t make a living.

Yuzuha: So something that I can’t do without because I need it for my job…oh, like my voice?

Chisa: What are you, the Little Mermaid?

Yuzuha: Maybe my script, then?

Yuuki: Would that be a big deal?

Chisa: Uh, yes it would be, but who’s trying to steal that in the first place?

Yuzuha: Oh, I know. Self-confidence!

Chisa: That’s definitely important, but…that’s an abstract concept.

Yuuki: How about money?

Yuzuha: I’m sure I’d always have more.

Airi: I guess we really can’t find anything comparable for Yuzuha-chan…

Chisa: It’s hard to believe, but I guess so.

Yuuki: So Yuzuha can’t get anything out of this movie, huh.

Yuzuha: Wait, then what am I supposed to do about this script? What scene do I use?

Yuuki: All up to you!

Chisa: Please and thank you.

Airi: Sorry for the trouble.

Yuuki, Chisa, and Airi leave.

Yuzuha: Hmm. Maybe a rewatch will help.

To be continued...in Part 2

---

Notes

"Neorealism" in the card title refers to a film movement from post-World War 2 Italy. Bicycle Thieves is a notable example of a film from this movement.

[dksdiary]

Entry #5.

Hello again, almost a whole year later.

I can’t say it’s been good. It’s just been.. I guess.

My nephew(referred to as “Monkey”) passed away in February. To the fault of his parents. He was only 2 years old. It’s heartbreaking. I miss him. I wish I could’ve spent more time with him. I hold a lot of anger and I can’t really tell anyone about it without causing more harm.

My niece had a birthday party in March, the first one the Kid stayed and had fun during the entirety of. I was so proud of them. Bittersweet. Monkey wasn’t there, of course.

I don’t remember much after that I don’t think. Summer was very hard. I did everything I could to survive it. The Kid is non-speaking, and it’s hard to progress while they’re not in school. They’re up my ass all day, everyday when school isn’t in. Not long ago I got to go on a small trip to the beach. That seemed very healing. It seems I’ve been in a good mood since, but we just got approved for a house.

I’m excited of course, but the stress that comes with it is insane. We can barely afford the mortgage, a whopping $1500+, at 7%. I pray we’ll be able to refinance in a couple years. It’s gonna take most of our savings for the down payment and closing costs. I’m terrified we’ll go bankrupt. I have no option for childcare and am unable to get a job. I’m on all the waiting lists for delivery jobs. With the Kid in PK, hours are short. My only job option would be busting my ass at a factory third shift and never sleeping. I’ll do that when absolutely necessary, but for now I’d like to be a functioning human, and a good mother and spouse. Of course, we’re still living in a townhouse waiting for the inspection to pass, and the original homeowners to fix up some last minute things.

The positives are building equity. Being able to have a real home for my family. The Kid will have a backyard finally, and their own room. We’ll be able to make this home our own, and I’m ecstatic for that. In time I’ll be able to garden, have room for hobbies, decorate how I want. The city is building up quite a lot, and no mater what happens we ought to make money off this house. Whether we sell in a few years, or twenty.

The new me has been recovering the apartment from summer. It’s not going too bad. I need to do laundry and dishes once I get off here. Spot clean the pig’s cage. Charge the Kid’s Voice. Pray I remember to take my meds. I’m going to say tomorrow will be much better than today. Today was only negative thoughts and fears. I’m over it. Tomorrow is surveys for some quick cash. Maybe some yoga. Lord knows it’s been too long since I’ve practiced. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Cheers to marijuana, the quick mood fixer upper.

[yingren]

jing yuan brings up the topic of commitment, something ren already knows he struggles with, even though he wishes he could do better—especially for the people he cares about. instead of being a passing figure in their lives, he wants to have a lasting presence, to be remembered for the impact he's had. it's a rare moment of vulnerability for him, but it lingers. though it doesn't happen often and only with a select few, jing yuan might just be one of those exceptions. thoughts of finality creep in; ren knows he won’t be around forever—he’s been assured of that. normally, he's content convincing others that his presence is meant to be temporary, but in this case, he wishes it wasn’t.

“ with some effort, i am sure it’s something you could afford later down the line. ” that’s about as much reassurance as ren can offer, though in his mind, it says a lot about how he’s come to accept the situation. it's just a small seed of thought planted in the back of his mind, still needing time to grow, but he knows jing yuan will be patient. when the general reaches for his hand, ren responds without hesitation, gently squeezing it in return. their fingers lace together carefully, his thumb brushing over the soft skin within reach. it feels safe like this, though terrifying in ways he can’t quite explain—but despite the fear, his stubbornness keeps him right where he is.

“ it is good to have dreams like that, nice even, to not let nightmares and hardships be the only thing to pave your way for the future. ” he pauses, reflecting on how the weight of something so seemingly simple could shift the course of his life. a child, a family. it feels like a distant dream, just out of reach, glimmering on the horizon in his peripheral vision—close enough to want but still untouchable. beautiful, yet distant. ren thinks he can wait a little longer. centuries of feeling like he’s been pacing in circles all seem to stop here, where he sits peacefully in jing yuan’s home. for once, he’s not caught up in the past, but rather focused on the future. and whatever that future holds, he’s determined to at least try and guide it in the right direction.

before jing yuan's daydream can be entertained as a real possibility, there are more pressing matters to address—most importantly, the unexpected proposal that now demands their attention. the idea of being married still feels somewhat surreal to ren, the thought of being tied down in that way. and it certainly won’t be a conventional marriage, not with their jobs and obligations constantly pulling them apart. there will likely be days, even weeks, when they won’t see each other. ren tries to stay realistic, avoiding expectations he knows he might not meet. this, whatever they have, works for them. it’s not perfect, but it works, and the thought of anything ruining that stings. still, all he can do is trust that he isn’t foolish for putting his faith in jing yuan. if the general stays true to his word and puts in the effort, maybe, just maybe, this could all work out fine. it should, at least. “ keep having your daydreams, i quite enjoy hearing about them too. it does make me wonder, and you must answer this honestly for the sake of my own curiosity, did you also daydream about us getting married ? ”

From the very beginning, Jing Yuan had no intention whatsoever to scare Ren with the thought of children. After all, they are two grown man full of their own problems and with little time. Even now, Jing Yuan is aware of his time slowly running away from his hands, because he has a meeting with the Divination Commission in just two hours. He had postponed whatever could be postponed on behalf of seeing Ren at this moment, and while he’s extremely happy with the outcome of his efforts, the Xianzhou Luofu can and likely will decay in his absence.

“Naturally, parenting needs commitment,” nods the General as he follows his fiancée, sitting himself over the bench. Snow Lion shifts on his lap so he’s also lying comfortably, and then his size allows him to nose up at Wuya with interest. Jing Yuan is just slightly worried that the size of the cat is much like Snow Lion’s mouth, and a swipe of that tongue could end up disturbing the cat. Wuya is a part of their commitment, much like the ring sitting on Ren’s finger, and it is just normal to worry about the well-being of such a small and cute animal. “And it isn’t something the both of us can afford as of right now.” Okay, maybe this was smooth enough to get that panic out of Ren’s face? Jing Yuan sure hopes so.

Now that he doesn’t have to hold Snow Lion, Jing Yuan can once again reach out for Ren’s hand, linking their fingers. “But Ren, you have the tenderness of a parent, even if you hide it under little care for yourself.” Of course, Ren has his own reasons. Jing Yuan will not pretend that he understands, because for him the idea of suicide as the only respite in a life full of misery is meaningless, but he’s not in Ren’s shoes and their point of view has always been different. Alas, this matters not right now.

“Through Yanqing, I learned the joys of being a pilar for the future generations. It isn’t much in the past, for I took the boy under my wing merely a couple of years ago. Having a child of my own is rather meaningless to me,” given that the one he loves is Ren, another man, and so they can’t have this together. But still, “yet adoption is always one way to go. Do not take my words as imposition, though. It is just… a daydream for the future.” The fingers laced with Ren’s give a squeeze in an attempt to reassure his lover. He’s a bit afraid that Ren might think Yuan is going too quick to the pot.

[escaping-consciousness]

Of course, I can’t rely on anyone.

I don’t know if my bf will be able to get a job and KEEP it long enough before I completely deplete my savings. I struggle to save what $150 every check, but it won’t stay there. I’ve had to take it out to compensate for him or our roommates when they were unemployed. I’ll probably have to do it again to keep his car from being repoed, because unemployment may deny his claim. A bill needs to be paid and I just shit out money that could’ve gone to new computer equipment, clothes that actually fit me, therapy, or a course for a certification to get a better paying job. I could use it to move. I can’t do shit though. My hands are tied because I’m working all the time.

I can’t even do anything for myself because there’s no money left for me. I refrain from using what I can keep in the savings account .

I’m too tired and depressed to focus on my hobbies and skills. I need books to study, and I want to invest in freelancing, I just don’t have the support or the time. When I want yo get in the zone, it’s time to cook or go to bed so I can get up for work. When it’s the weekend, we have chores to catch up on. My money is gone by the time we finish groceries.

I don’t even have kids or my own pet. I have literally NOTHING except the my personal bills. The only good thing is that my bills are finally being paid on time. I can do my part. I know the economy is tough but I’ve gone too long without the things that could change my life or make me happy.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel alone and exhausted. I have a hard time seeing the positives in my situation. Yes, I’m alive, but I’m miserable. I just exist and I can’t make myself happy without compromising the security of having somewhere to live and paying things on time.

When I ask for help, there’s excuses from family or they’re trying to bail out cousins that don’t deserve the money because they refuse to work or get help. My mom has nothing to give. She ended up putting me in debt because she didn’t have enough to help me like she promised. She was too trusting and was just too busy helping her friend, her brother, or my brothers. None of them paid her back or even kept their end of the deal, but I did. I still get little financially help, even though forced to break my back for everyone else.

I can’t go home. Even if I did, there wouldn’t be room for me living back at mom’s. They’re struggling just as much and I’ll just be their taco to work because neither my brother or cousin have their own cars nor will they take public transportation or carpool with coworkers. Mom will emotionally cling to me because of how unhappy she is. If I go home, I’ll purposely OD.

Even if I left my bf, I’d be a burden to my friends. I can’t live alone because i simply can’t afford the rent. I make too much for assistance. I don’t have the skills. I can draw, but AI is fucking up the industry. I don’t have an audience for commissions. I’m not pretty or in shape enough for sex work. Something will happen to me if I ever go homeles.

A lot of this is so mean to think but I just don’t care,

I’m so demotivated by my circumstances but I wish that I didn’t wake up the next morning. I feel like I worked hard for nothing. People telling me “I’m doing great” have no idea how much pain I’m in and it seems like they don’t care either way. Nobody checks up on me. They just ask my parents about me, rather than call or message me.

I wish I didn’t need to be alive. I’m tired of being strong for everybody just so I can be there for them to lean on. I’m tired as bc I want to quit.

I don’t know why I’m sven here anymore.

I’m so unhappy and I can’t escape my life.

[abogaboga]

MIDNIGHT WATCHER • PETER/ YB

requests: open ig

warnings: yandere-behavior, 18+ (creator’s wishes, respect them.)

word count: 1.6k

a/n: there’s not much of peter in this,, this is just an excuse for me to show my love for TK bc i love them with all my heart. could be a tk x reader but… i see this as more of a platonic thing 🤷🏽‍♀️

YBF belongs to @/y0urb0yfriend & @/invertedmindinc

“I swear I’m going to quit this job. Customers are so ungrateful!”

You complained to your coworker as you got ready for bed. TK just shook their head, “We both know you can’t afford to quit. Who else is going to pay your rent?” They teased, a shit-eating grin plastered on their face. You paused from doing your hair, “Oh haha, you got jokes now?” You asked, glaring at your friend through the phone. TK’s grin just grew, “Mhm, a whole bunch of them.” They answered, resting their head in their hand.

There was a comfortable silence between you two as you continued your nighttime routine. You and TK did this often, just chatting on FaceTime after work, complaining about rude customers amongst other things. It was nice having someone to vent to every now and again. They were a great friend. “So… are we going to address the elephant in the room?” TK questioned as you were doing your skincare. You tensed slightly before smiling lazily, “What? That you’re madly in love with me?” You quipped, turning your attention back to your mirror.

In your peripheral, you saw TK’s expression become flustered and you couldn’t help but laugh slightly. “Ugh, you’re so annoying. But no, you know what I’m talking about.” They said, their tone becoming serious. You bit your lip, you did know what they were talking about. A shiver ran down your spine as you recalled the man in the diner watching you intently as if you were his prey. “Yeah I do, but what is there to discuss? The police in this town are shit, thirty minutes what a bunch of bullshit.” You muttered to yourself, remembering how the police wanted to take forever to respond to your stalker claim.

TK pursed their lips as they thought about your distressed face while you made the call. They’ve never seen you scared like that before, it made them want to protect you from any harm. “You know, if you keep scowling like that, you’re gonna get wrinkles.” You chastised upon seeing TK’s face. They rolled their eyes playfully, “I already have wrinkles, thanks to you.” TK joked. You gasped loudly, “Thanks to me? You take that back.” You demanded feigning hurt. “Nope,” They said popping the p, “you stress me out to no end.” TK continued. You carried on with your hurt facade until your bedtime notification rang.

“Oh, that’s my bedtime. Time to hit the sack.” You said, plopping down on your bed with your phone in your hand. TK’s face scrunched up, “Hit the sack? What are you? Sixty?” They inquired. You stuck your tongue out at them, “Whatever loser, you should go to bed too. Your shift starts earlier than mine.” You reminded. And so, the two of you exchanged your goodnights, not without a few witty remarks of course, and soon you were drifting off to sleep.

It was sometime around midnight when you heard a noise outside your window. Startled, you sat up in your bed. Rubbing your eyes tiredly, you tried to look around your room. It was hard, considering the only light was coming from the moon shining through your window. Eventually, your eyes adjusted to the dark, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. It was probably a squirrel or something. Shrugging to yourself you laid back down and attempted to fall back asleep.

You couldn’t sleep.

Damn it, you knew once you woke up, you wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. But you needed to rest, you didn’t need TK breathing down your neck and yelling at you for falling asleep while taking orders. So, you shut your eyes and tried to let sleep overtake you. Suddenly your closet door creaked open, now you were wide awake. How the fuck did the closet door open by itself, it’s way too heavy for the wind to move it on its own. Now remembering about your stalker, you became petrified, what if it was him? What should you do? Should you stay still? Discreetly use the SOS system on your phone? But as your ears picked up on footsteps making their way towards your bed, you decided to do the latter.

“Hello, my darling~”

That voice… that fucking voice. It took you everything in your power not to cry for help. Why was he here? What did he want? You clutched your sheets tightly as you felt his hand caress your head. Luckily your back was facing him cause the tears running down your face, would have given you away instantly. “Why so tense my love? Are you having a nightmare?” He cooed, his voice making you sick to your stomach. Why did Lucy have to go out every night? You were completely alone with this creep in your room and you felt completely helpless.

Knock! Knock!

Two loud knocks came from the front door and you’ve never been happier. You heard rustling and something close (you’re assuming it was your closet). The fucker was still in your room, one would think that he would get spooked and leave completely. This bastard was bold. Getting out of your bed, you practically ran to the and swung it open, not even bothering to look through the peephole. Tears welled in your eyes as TK stood in front of you, wearing sweatpants and a white tee, a sheepish look adorning their face. “I know it’s late but—” They started, but didn’t get the chance to finished before you tackled them into a tight hug.

TK almost toppled over from the sheer force of your hug, “Whoa, you alright?” They asked, trying to peer and get a look at your face. That’s when they noticed you crying into their shirt. Gently grabbing your shoulders, TK pried you off of them and looked at you, concern swimming in their eyes. “Hey, hey… what’s wrong?” TK asked again, desperately trying to get you to look at them. You looked up at your friend with watery eyes, “He’s in my house TK, he’s in my house.” You cried, your voice barely above a whisper. TK’s expression slowly morphed from mildly concerned to heavily concerned. They quickly grabbed your hand and pulled you to their car. You tried to protest, you at least wanted to lock the door before just leaving but TK wasn’t having any of it. They spoke not one word until you were both in their car and securely locked in.

“So let me get this straight, he’s in your house? Like, right now?”

They asked, looking at you with a serious look. You nodded anxiously biting your nails. You had no idea what to do in this situation and you wouldn’t dare wish this on anyone. Not even your worst enemy. This stalker terrifies you, you have no idea how long he’s been doing this. Or what he would’ve done if you were truly unconscious. If this was a recurring thing, what has he done when you were unconscious? You were so caught up within your thoughts, you didn’t even notice that you were hyperventilating. You have never felt so violated, your head was pounding and your throat felt tight. You were shaking, you couldn’t breathe, this was just too much. It was all too much—

Suddenly warm hands encased yours, “Hey. Look at me, breathe Y/n. Breathe.” TK instructed, taking a few deep breaths of their own. Swallowing thickly you closed your eyes and breathed. The two of you breathed together for a while. Probably for a minute, five minutes? You weren’t exactly keeping count. After you calmed down significantly, TK spoke, “You ready to call the police?” They asked, pulling out their phone since yours was still in the apartment. You nodded slightly, taking the phone, your hands were trembling so bad, you kept messing up the number. How hard was it to dial 911? TK gave you a sympathetic look before taking the phone themselves and calling,

“Hello? I’d like to report a stalker and a break-in. Yes, the address is…”

You just stared at the dashboard, recollecting tonight's events. This creepy guy was deranged and dangerous. If he was bold enough to break into your house and touch you, what else was he capable of? Maybe you should move back in with your parents for a bit, they didn’t live in this town so you’d be away from him. But what if he followed you there? Would your family be in harm’s way? You couldn’t risk that. Groaning to yourself you placed your head in your hands, you hope the police find and arrest this psycho.

“Okay, they should be here in fifteen minutes or less. Wanna crash at my place?” TK asked pocketing their phone and turning to you. “I don’t even know, he probably left by now and I don’t need him following us and harming you. I don’t know what I’d do if you got hurt because of me.” You mumbled, head still in your hands. Your friend placed a warm hand on your back, “That’s a risk I’m willing to take because there’s no way I’m letting you back into that apartment by yourself.” They replied, “I’ll stay up all night if I have to, I’ve got a steel bat with this bastard’s name on it” TK stated, smirking slightly. You let out a small laugh at the proudness in their tone. TK and their steel bat, they bragged about the thing as if it was a child prodigy. Finally looking at them, you sighed with a tired smile on your face,

“Alright, let’s go home.”

abogaboga © 2021 — all rights reserved. do not repost, modify, or copy. do not plagiarize. thank you.

[yanderecandystore]

Could you please do a fanfic for a male version of Yandere! Lady Dimitrescu (from Resident Evil Village game) with the reader.

I really like the Resident Evil franchise but I'm too lazy to know what the hell is happening in the older games XD I'm so sorry about that-

I loved watching playthroughs of Resident Evil Village (can't buy the game ;-;), but I felt like it was a bit empty, idk- I felt like the lords weren't really explored enough.

Also the Duke is the best husbando in the whole game- Fight me! >:3

TW/Tags: GN = Gender Neutral, I normally forget to properly name it when it's gender neutral, most of the time I just say "reader" // maybe ooc // lazy genderbent, I'm terrible with names // size difference // servant reader // mentions of gore/cuts/bruises/blood and deaths (and torture- I'm so sorry-) // reader gets hurt // mentions of vomiting

It's Dinner Already [Yandere!M!Dimitrescu x GN!Reader - Short Fanfiction]

It's dinner time already, unfortunately for you, of course.

It feels almost like a routine at this point- Which in a way, it is! You always take care of your tasks during the day, while dreading the inevitable time for dinner to arrive again.

Everyday, at this exact same hour, you and the other servants would prepare a meal for Lord Dimitrescu and his lovely… Sons…

As someone who has started "working" for their family only a month ago, you can positively say: Starving in the cold woods next to your village would have probably been a more merciful death than the ones you have witnessed at this place. You weren't as accustomed to such brutal executions at your village, actually you hardly even witnessed so much death, at least not so up close.

When you came here, you didn't expect to be instantly comforted and treated with respect- You were a commoner looking for an possibility to thrive in a noble's house, you were basically an easy target for any entitled selfish lord to easily belittle you and make you work for them until your hands would turn to dust. Yet nothing could have prepared you for such an odd situation.

Vampires. Monsters. Fiends if you were bold enough to insult them. You weren't exactly welcomed as much as you were snatched in and now forever trapped inside this castle. You can still hear their laughter… Their insane expressions of pure glee, the way they have bursted into maliciously laughing at your pain as you screamed for help trying to open up their door again and be free from that nightmare.

The chase didn't last even a second, they stabbed your legs with their scythes and brought you deeper inside this hellhole, as you cried your eyeballs out. The sons had brought you back inside so their father could take a look at the "intruder".

An absolute titan amongst the mortals. His height was only a sick reminder of how much power he had over the castle, over his sons, and now- Over you.

He may not have been as massive as he was threatening as you remind him to be, but at the time you were just in awe of his height considering you have never seen someone as tall and as mighty.

Then again- You have never seen vampires as well. Were they the same vampires as the books you've read as a kid? You weren't so sure of it…

You were hoping that if you begged for life and for forgiveness for having disturbed their peace, that they could spare you and let you go back to your village. Sadly enough, you commented on how you were only trying to look for a job as a servant.

You probably shouldn't have given them ideas, but it's too late to think about your mistakes now, however.

The sons begged to see your blood spilled, yet Lord Dimitrescu was merciful enough to grant you your "wish", as he said.

It has been a month ever since you were trapped inside and forced to work as a miserable little servant, and even if you didn't suffer the worst forms of punishments that they had in-store for you, you couldn't help but fantasize about just running away and never turning back.

You're so tired of this castle, of the smell of carnage, of the undeserved and over the top punishments, and especially of the people who would subjugate you to such things.

But at last, it's dinner time already, and you can't keep them waiting.

You feel your hands shaking as you walk out of the kitchen and into the dining room where the masters of the castle were so graciously waiting for you. You know what they're waiting for- But you can't let them distract you, for those that commit accidents are faced with fates worse than death.

Although you would rather do this process quickly, you can't afford mistakes to happen, so you take your time to set not only their meal in front of each one but to also pour "wine" into their glasses. You do all of this without looking directly into their eyes, only bowing down to each one and saying "excuse me"s in what they would call a "decent tone", as the smell of their disgusting beverage starts to irritate your nostrils. If you didn't know the main ingredient to Sanguis Virgins is, you probably wouldn't have this immense disgust over it, but right now just the thought of it makes you want to gag.

Only villains could so easily drink blood, and still make a living out of it.

Your internal thoughts of pure hatred against this whole situation almost completely blinded you to the fact that they were eerily, very quiet.

….

On most nights they would be talking with each other while occasionally making comments about you or your presence. Obviously they were all pretty nasty comments that they somehow expected you to back it up in some way or another, it's when they try to insert you into their conversation that makes you hate this occasion so badly, but it normally ends as quickly as it begins.

But as you are pouring wine to Lord's Dimitrescu, you notice that they haven't said a single thing while you were there. You stop what you're doing as you realize that they were silently observing you this whole time, and as you look into their expressions you come to think that maybe you have messed up-

Somehow, in some way or form, you may have messed up- And the fact this mistake could cost your head only agitates your already very worried mind.

….

A small moment of silence continues before the middle son, Cassandro, starts to chuckle in an almost innocent way- As if he was a kid who just said a bad word for the first time- And as he bursts into sudden laughter, Daniel leans towards Bello and loudly whispers:

"- I told you, they do this every time." To which Bello only replied with:

"- It's almost like hypnosis in a way."

The three sons were mesmerized by your ability to trap yourself in your own mind. They're probably aware that you do this as a defensive mechanism but they still find it comical in a weird way. You feel yourself get more tense as you look up at Lord Dimitrescu and see him staring back at you, with an unreadable expression across his face.

Before you could come up with an excuse to whatever you may have caused to disturb their dinner, the Lord himself spoke.

"- How inappropriate. As my sons, you three should know better than to laugh at our servant's airheaded mind-"

And as he said that, their smiles begin to disappear and be replaced with frowns and a bit of shame as they become stiff at their father's words.

"- And how inappropriate of you, too. To be so distracted in the presence of your masters, that's quite rude don't you think?"

But as he continued their bodies begin to relax once again as they realize he wasn't focusing on them- He was focusing on you.

Words have completely disappeared from your vocabulary as you start to think that maybe you won't be able to see another day after their meal is over. You try to mumble some possible responses before getting interrupted by him once again.

"- It's very rude, so very rude in fact that I think we deserve some answers. What were you so distracted about? What were you thinking that could have possibly taken over your small little head?"

Right now, he was sounding a bit condescending, thankfully not as angry as he would have been with the other servants right about now. Every little mistake was used as excuses for punishments- And if you were walking on thin ice before, right now you are one-step closer to breaking this entire lake and getting yourself killed by the freezing temperatures of the water below you.

Thanks to your luck (or maybe lack thereof, depending on how you see this) Daniel came to "your rescue" by coming up with an excuse for you.

"- Maybe they were hungry." He said without any indications of it being a joke or a lie- As the youngest yet craziest of the bunch, he always had that weird "naive yet dangerous" energy coming from him. He was naive enough to make that statement when it's very clear that you actually despise being near them, but he still was a son of Dimitrescu.

You know better than to underestimate any of these people.

The Lord didn't seem completely convinced as he side eyed Daniel who was blissfully eating his meal without acknowledging his dad's glance or his brother's looks of disapproval.

Without a warning you were pulled closer by your wrist and forced into sitting next to the Lord, who made a sign for another servant to bring you your food. This… Doesn't feel right at all, you're waiting for the worst to come yet you don't feel like you can ever prepare yourself enough for what they have in store.

"- M-My Lord- This isn't needed, I'm fine. I'll just continue my duties, if you can excuse me-" You plead, while trying to get up from your chair.

"- Oh but what host would I be if I didn't take better care of my guests? Poor thing, you must be starving if you can barely serve us wine-" And as his tone gets progressively more sarcastic and a bit louder, you can hear his sons snickering from the other side of the table, but you can't see them since you can't take your eyes away from him.

You're worried that if you look away for just one second, that you may not be able to see ever again.

"- It's so sad when one of our guests feels hungry- What's worse is when we are also very, very hungry."

"- Thirsty, even!"

"- Oh, I can feel my throat drying just at the thought of such misery!- Our dinner seems to be ruined."

You hear their whispers, you hear how they are clearly joking about this- How overly dramatic they're being over something so miniscule as you just- Ignoring them.

Let me remind you this is all because you refuse to look them in the eyes, that you refuse to give them any satisfaction for the heinous things they have done! You've seen so many people get hurt inside this castle only for their sick and twisted thirst and entertainment.

"- Indeed, my boys. My appetite is ruined, though dinner is not over yet-" Lord Dimitrescu spoke as he looked at his sons clearly enjoying your inevitable pain, but before he could continue he turns himself to you again, putting a hand on your arm and saying:

"- Wouldn't you agree?" Loud enough so that his sons could hear it, but soft enough to send the tiniest shivers down your spine.

"- …!"

"- No, no- Please, not again!-" He wouldn't dare do this, would he??

But before you could react he had already done it, you barely noticed how fast he had grabbed that knife to slice your wrist- His hand firmly gripping your arm as he made a deep enough cut so that your blood could be easier to access.

It somehow hurts just as badly as the first time his sons have stabbed your ankles and dragged you across the floor- At least you're not bumping into things like before, and even if it's a deep cut it's not as big as it could be if he used his claws to actually do this.

Oh, oh those claws- You almost thought he would use them on you… Those were something else. You can't remember exactly what happened, and why it happened, but you remember seeing him use those on another servant who may have crossed the line at some point.

Well "crossed the line"- More like "casually inconvenienced him". Lord Alcino may act like an incredibly high noble but he acts so childishly and in such an egotistical manner that you are surprised he can even have a castle like this in the first place! You don't remember what the servant has done to be so cruelly dismantled, but you don't doubt that it was for a stupid reason!

You miss that servant actually- Probably the only person who you actually talked with, and the first one to actually taught you how to do your job… You two could have been friends if he didn't intervene.

You briefly remember those moments before getting to experience the most weird sensation of all- Having your bloody cut be licked and sucked on. It hurts and it stings in a way that not only makes you want to cry but to also gag at the thought of you feeding this monster.

You refuse to look at him even in this scenario, you refuse to see him feeding off your blood… Sometimes you wish you were just as poisonous as some species of frogs, poisonous enough to make his mouth burn so he can experience a fraction of the pain he causes to others.

You tried fleeting away, you tried getting up and moving away but his grip on your arm only helped you in getting closer to him- You have your eyes closed as your only option is to cry and muffle your agony.

But as always, he is not satisfied with you just ignoring him. This was supposed to be a lesson, yet you're clearly avoiding your teacher as best as you can- But not today, little flower, you're not getting out of this so easily.

This is the first time he ever got to really taste your blood, as normally you would be behind the other servants while trying to learn how to please him, the only moments where he gets to see you is when it's dinner time, but oh- You're just so cruel!

Escaping inside your own little head while he has to content himself with just your image. Your presence is very much appreciated around this hour, little one-

He has noticed this before, of course, but it was only when he noticed his son's curiosity over the way you behave around them that made him organize this little trap. He didn't have everything planned actually, his plan only involved getting to this moment no matter what- And oh boy, has luck been on his side!

Your blood tastes better than expected of a commoner, your delicate and fearful whines of pain are just as delightful but what really gets him is this tough persona you try to convince everyone you have- You despise him, and it's clear to see why- But he knows his charms will probably work on you one way or the other.

He gripped your face trying to make sure you'll get to him in the eyes as he has a taste of you. Absolutely delicious, especially after you so gracefully "ruined" their dinner.

His sons were just watching as they continued to drink from their crimson glasses. They were just enjoying the show, as everything seems to easily amuse them- Their father was just showcasing how they were so much better than the common folk, and they have no other option but to take notes and to remember what they have to do if they ever feel ignored by the servants in the castle: Show who are the true masters of this place.

None of them were really interested in drinking from you, considering how all three seemed to recognize how their father has taken a liking towards you. No one would dare mess with their father's prey.

If you had enough strength in you, you would start vomiting as soon as this has started, but the more he takes from you the more you feel like you can barely stay conscious.

He wasn't supposed to take so much, at least not so soon- He wanted to just take a sip but he can't deny the fact he would rather drown himself in your blood than to let go.

He sighs, as he notices that you're slowly getting less and less aggressive, getting more and more tired as he drains you from this cut.

You're not unconscious yet, just barely stable enough to understand what's going on.

"- Sigh… Now that was a decent enough meal." He can't praise you for being tasty, can't have you being cocky around him.

"- Here, since I'm done here I'll take you to the servant's living quarters- And because I'm so kind I'll make sure that wound is safely secured and cleaned, so here- Come along now."

And as he stood up he offered you his hand so you could get up yourself, but you don't have enough energy to walk yourself to your room, thankfully you're already ready to go to bed and wish to never wake up again.

And as the nightmare never ends, he decides that if you are going to be difficult then you leave him no choice but to carry you there. How much has he taken from you?? Jesus, he should learn some self-control before doing this again- The absolute brute that he is.

Your vision may be a little screwed over because of the lack of red cells running through your body at the moment- But you have a weird feeling that you two aren't heading towards the servant's living quarters, as you feel like you two are quite literally going in the opposite direction.

Oh but it's fine- Right?

It'll be fine. Surely. After all, he already took what he wanted from you, and he doesn't seem to need more so- You probably won't have to worry about anything right now, dinner time is already over, you can finally relax now….

🍭꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍰꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡🍮꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖🍭

So I'm sick again- Sorry y'all, I just have a horrible immune system and I really don't understand what is wrong with me-

I'm sorry if you didn't like this boo :(

[triptuckers]

Worth more than silver - Jesper Fahey

Request: nope Pairing: Jesper Fahey x reader Summary:  Matthias doesn’t understand why you’re so happy with every ring Jesper buys you, given that they’re not expensive and can be bought on the corner of every street Warnings: none! Word count:  1.2K A/N: first of all!! thank you so much for you love on my kaz brekker fic! :) I love him so much and it fills my heart with love that you like my work! hope you like this one as well, enjoy reading! :)

You absently twist the ring on your index finger. You had kind of taken over Jesper’s habit of fiddling with your rings. He did it when he was nervous, you did it when you were nervous, bored, listening to someone. All the time, really. You couldn’t help it. Your rings reminded you of Jesper, as he’d gifted you every single one of them.

When you first got together, you were always playing with his fingers and rings when you were tired. You’d absently twist the rings on his fingers and he’d shoot you a wink while continuing his conversation.

After a while, you started wearing his rings as well. He had quite the collection, and he couldn’t possible wear all of them at once. At first, you’d taken one. Putting it on, and smiling when you noticed how much you liked it on your own finger instead of his. But you were afraid he wouldn’t be okay with it, or that he would think you’d mean something with it. So, you put the ring back before Jesper could find out. 

But once you started stealing more and more of them, and wearing multiple of his rings at the same time, it didn’t take long for him to notice. 

One day, when you were walking back to the Slat after a quick job, he took your hand in his, as you always did when walking the streets together. 

Jesper had frowned and lifted your intertwined hands so he could look at them. Upon seeing a collection of his rings on your fingers, he turned to look at you and raised an eyebrow. You’d immediately launched into a ramble about how you didn’t mean anything by it, and you’d take them off, when he interrupted you with a kiss. When he pulled back, he shot you a beautiful grin, along with the words ‘Never take them off, sweetheart.’ After that, it became a habit.

Sometimes, you’d be met with a pouting Jesper in the morning. When you were wearing a ring he wanted to wear that day. Still, he never seemed to mind it a lot. It was a surprise when he came to you at the end of the day, telling you to hold out your hand. 

When you’d asked him why, eyeing him suspiciously, he repeated his question and told you to close your eyes. You rolled your eyes, but did so anyway. You felt him placing something in your hand and then he told you to open your eyes.

When you did, you found a ring sitting on the palm of your hand. It wasn’t one of his, you had never seen this one before. And it was smaller than his, but you recognised it anyway. It was one of the cheap rings you could by at every tourist stand. 

You looked from the ring in your hand to Jesper, who was smiling at you, just a little nervous. He told you he’d get you a real ring, a nice expensive one, but he didn’t have the money for it, given that he’d gambled it all away. You cut him off with a kiss and told him you loved the ring, and slipped it on your finger.

After that day, a tradition had formed. After every successful job, Jesper bought you a cheap ring. You wore them with pride, and as the months went by, your collection of rings was almost bigger than Jesper’s.

You smile when you think of it, and look at the rings you’re wearing today. One of his sits on your left index finger - the one you’d been fidgeting with. You had a colourful collection of cheap tourist rings on your left middle finger, and three fingers on your right hand. All of them gifts from Jesper. 

You’re suddenly pulled from your thoughts when you hear the door behind you open. You turn your head and smile when Jesper walks toward you. He grins at you and dramatically holds his hand out in front of you.

‘For you, my love.’ he says.

You smile widely and pluck the new ring from his palm. It’s the same one you already have, only in a different color. You slip it on one of your fingers and stand to kiss his cheek.

‘Thank you, Jesper, I love it!’ you say happily. ‘I was hoping you’d get me the blue one!’

‘Anything for you.’ says Jesper with a wink.  ‘Want to join us for a drink?’ you say, gesturing to Matthias, who you’d been talking to.

‘Can’t, love. Business calls, and by that I mean Kaz needs to torture me with maps of the city and another ridiculous plan of his for at least an hour.’ says Jesper. ‘Alright. I’ll see you tonight, then.’ you say. With a nod and a wink, Jesper takes off again.

You sit back down and admire the new ring on your finger.

‘Why are you so happy with all of those rings?’ asks Matthias. ‘They’re all so cheap, you can buy them on every street corner.’

You look up to the Fjerdan. ‘They might seem cheap to you, but to me they’re worth more than the finest silver.’ you say.

‘How so?’ asks Matthias, taking a sip from his drink.

‘Well.’ you say. ‘I wore a lot of Jesper’s rings, I still do. He wanted to buy me a ring, but couldn’t afford it-’ ‘Because of his gambling.’ says Matthias, interrupting you. You narrow your eyes at him. ‘Yes, because of his debts.’ you say. ‘So, when he couldn’t get me an expensive one, he got me a cheap one. I loved that he’d even want to buy me a ring in the first place, I couldn’t care less if it was silver or not. Ever since, he’s bought me these.’ 

‘Can’t he save up some kruge to get you a nice one?’ says Matthias. ‘These are nice!’ you protest, earning a rare chuckle from him. ‘If you like it, I’m sure it’s good enough for Jesper.’ says Matthias.

‘You should buy Nina a ring.’ you say. ‘Why would I?’ he asks, startled. ‘Women like jewellery.’ you say. ‘Some might deny it, but we all love it.’

‘It’s not-’ ‘Don’t say it’s not Fjerdan tradition.’ you say, knowing his answer was going to be about his culture. ‘If it’s not tradition, you can always buy her waffles. I bet she’d marry you on the spot, with or without a ring.’ you say.

Before Matthias can answer you, you get up from your spot, saying you’d check to see if Jesper needed saving from Kaz’ endless rambling and planning.

You walk toward the stairs and leave behind a slightly confused Matthias. While walking up the stairs, you run into Nina.

‘Hey Y/N!’ she says happily. ‘I saw Jesper earlier, did he get you another one?’ ‘He sure did.’ you say and you show her the new ring you got. ‘Wish Matthias bought me a ring from time to time.’ she says and you laugh. ‘He’ll buy you waffles instead.’ you say, and you continue your way to the top floor, ignoring Nina’s shout about the promise of waffles.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Jo