#I will have to sue myself for emotional damage

[mossmx]

I'm kinda thankful none of the rarepair fest prompts are tickling me bc I have 2 fics to edit and to finish the kinkalot rushed pieces and to think about OUAT AND

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[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[purble-gaymer]

F (< this is a really good one i think everyone would want to get this one), H, J (any fic), K, X

for the ask game :]

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

god that is a good one but it's also a HARD one. i feel like let me see your bones in its entirety is high up there if only because it is very personal to me. there's a lot of good stuff in wwtmk and unfortunate result AGH!!! this is so hard. i have a couple from unfortunate result i wanna talk about though

mk and the salesman's dynamic is so interesting to me and i never get to do anything with it. i loved writing this. the salesman jumpscare. meta knight anger out of fear moments. destroya confirmation. this is probably my favorite flashback in the fic

i think i'm gonna explode looking back over this fic. cafe brawl and the cooldown after it are probably two of my favorite parts. god. guys this experience means so much to me even if i completely fabricated it myself. it is such an important bonding moment for the knights especially when blade is the one breaking down because of it. and the aftermath of sword and meta knight having their little chat...is it normal to want to cry over your own work

okay okay last one. i really enjoyed writing this nightmare scene. showing first that meta knight asked for sword and blade's help above all else, his uneasiness as he realizes something is wrong, and a final call in desperation before nightmare reveals himself. i loooove writing these nightmares they're so fun. i feel like i have a really strong idea of what the realm is like and i need to do more with it

i may have gotten distracted rereading some of this fic while answering this. need to sue myself for emotional damages.

H: How would you describe your style?

i like to make things an appropriate amount of flowery. i love romantic/gothic era lit that really digs into descriptions, and it's been a goal in my writing for a long time now to get better with that, because when i started off i hated writing descriptions. i think i've improved on it a lot over the past couple years. i like to linger on little details to try and make my writing feel more immersive. i want my readers to be able to feel the breeze on their face and smell the autumn leaves, yknow? my imagination can be pretty strong sometimes and i want to do everything i can to translate those feelings onto paper. it's tough, but that's what makes it fun, and all the more satisfying when you write it out.

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to any fic.

hum. honestly the biggest one that comes to mind is that there's an alternate universe where meta knight dies at the end of know your place. i think if i wrote it today i might've followed through with that, but who knows. aside from that, for most of my fics i'm not conflicted about the ending. i know where i want the story to go, the harder part is deciding how i'm going to get there. i think i jumped between a few ideas for unfortunate result, but i don't really remember many of them. that fic had a pretty messy development, i had a lot of ideas and many of them ended up getting cut or changed into something else.

K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

what do you think? :) i certainly have a lot of "meta knight gets tortured by nightmare" plots but one of these things is not like the others...especially once arthur gets involved.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

meta knight. meta knight. sword. blade. meta knight. falspar. meta knight. meta knight. meta knight

[thedoover-if]

i'll just call myself the avoidance anon (lol) and yes, we're doing much better, thank you! I'm happy to say that, as a big FU to my (ex) dad, I am now earning three times his salary. haha

anyways, on the subject of kids, I have this scenario where my PC have always wanted to have a child (totally not me btw) but obviously that didn't happen bc of the cheating and divorce. in a game I played recently, the MC's mother had artifical insemination to have a baby. so what if our PC did that too (we better be making big bucks as a marriage councellor or i'll sue) a year or two after the divorce.

I hc my PC as someone who overworks to cope (if I can't see you, you can't see me) and kinda just... forgets to take care of themselves at some point. while spending a day-off on their favorite cafe, they happen to see a happy family walk by and after almost a week of thinking, they're on their way to get an IUI. a few months later, its confirmed that they're pregnant and affectionately call the bundle of joy, 'my miracle'. ('I lost myself but I found you, my tiny miracle')

on the night of the accident, PC asked the sweet old couple next door to babysit bc they're working late aaand... there goes the plot. at some point after the accident, the ex-spouse somehow meets the child and is curious about the father and (possibly) gets even more heartbroken realizing PC most likely went through a pregnancy alone; the morning sickness, pregnancy cravings, and the heightened emotions on top of the soreness.

ex-spouse: 'oh, what are you drawing?'

(c/n): 'ms. penny said to draw my family. this is me; I'm a prince/princess.'

ex-spouse: "oh, is this your mommy and daddy, then?"

(c/n): 'no, mommy is the fairy godmother. that's daddy and his princess.'

ex-spouse: 'your daddy and... his princess?'

(c/n): 'mmh! mommy said my real daddy left to look for his true love, and that they lived happily ever after.'

(the skit is purely for emotional damage LOLOLOL)

ex-spouse is left to be a silent observer as he watches PC put the child to sleep by singing them a lullaby (think 'never grow up' by ts) and watch them be the mother they always wanted to be, except, the spot next to them was empty (different from his imagination) and the warm, loving gaze PC used to give him was now directed at someone else.

for extra angst, i'd like to imagine the ex-spouse's parents being aware that PC had a baby and sends birthday and holiday gifts for the little one. they were even there for the baby's birth. when the ex later called his parents to ask why they didn't say anything to him about the baby, they simply said 'it was none of his business'. of course, the parents would notice PC overworking themselves, but months later, they saw small, positive change with the PC, and when they opened up they were, in fact, pregnant, they didn't want their kid to ruin the happiness PC found (again)

at this point, it just became a mini-au of an au. I'M JSUT SO EXCITED FOR THIS IF JSJAKPQXNWO

hi again! aw that makes me really happy to hear and YESSS CONGRATS TO YOU!!!

uhm...this skit😭😭 emotional damage achieved anon😭 also i love never grow up!! well this story broke my heart WHYY. reading this makes me so glad i didnt add any kids into this horrible mix LOL. and by the end of the book itll just be up in the air what happens with MC and their partner, so you guys can just create whatever scenarios you want haha

and thank you for the excitment!!💗 sorry its taking so long, coding is such a drag (im really slow haha) but it hopefully shouldnt be too long anymore!!

[c0rpseductor]

im about to talk at length about my dragon age rook-inquisitor and his extreme mary sue forceful power so for the love of god be careful

i think in general my main enjoyment of veilguard i was getting is that like. before i watched it i decided i wanted my rook to be my old self insert inquisitor. but i also didnt want him to be significantly older than i am, so i aged him down in inquisition, making him like...around 16ish then, and then 18 in trespasser and 28 in veilguard (i cannot believe i am turning 28 in a few months btw. heinous.)

so during inquisition i had to change his dynamic with the cast and im still sorting some of that out but the BIGGEST change was that solas sort of decided like. "hey i love the sound of my own voice and when people think i'm right and the warm fuzzies i get being ostensibly nice. and also i feel bad that this Child has my stupid anchor in his hand. i will become his mentor and project some weird fantasy i only half admit to myself about raising children with mythal onto him and, well, it will certainly turn out in a way!" and then it certainly turns out in a way

and veilguard (kinda clumsily) sets up a relationship between solas and rook where he kind of "mentors" them, and also manipulates them at the same time, and ends up being kind of hot and cold in terms of sudden kind of unprovoked genuinely mean bitchiness that, coming from inquisition, felt startlingly out of character. although maybe he has some kind of secret approval stat in charge of that, idk. anyway. because i was going in with a very related Miserable Dynamic the whole thing slotted together nicely in my head with the main theme being about self-determination against both societal institutions and individual mentors and so on. i think this was maybe the intended thesis of veilguard, but the real thesis of veilguard i think is "ok fine solavellan fans. here. jesus. are you happy now?", and also "this writing team is extremely white and we have barely stopped to consider any of the unfortunate implications of this god killing plotline, let alone competently unpack them," although in fairness they were somewhat constrained by the massive ball drop in this arena that inquisition did. but i felt there was not much damage control. anyway

long meandering story short it was fun to me to imagine the entire thing as some weird like, pseudo-father and adult son power struggle at an absurd scale given the circumstances. "no Professor Dad you do NOT get to choose my job i am 28" but instead of your studentson's job it's the entire fate of the world forever. i particularly liked that bit where solas helps you escape elgarnan's gay little fade trap in arlathan with the specific imagined vibe of "hi nerd from elf high school whose girlfriend i stole. i am going to steal your lunch money again. this time, the lunch money is your son. and im going to give him a swirlie"

i think for my rook i would have to invent a new ending where he does get to punt solas into magic hell but he also still gets some kind of emotional parting words. because he is having massive disorganized attachment big issues huge meltdown forever the whole game and really wants Professor Dad to like him and cares about him. but he also hates his fucking guts and is disgusted by him, so i think there's no reasonable way to interpret an ending where he has to continue to interact with solas or breathe his same air as good

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Soul?

Cast Includes: Rose the DM, Bob and Alfie (yours truely), Cassiandris (Cream), Truk and Bragar (Brick), Patrick (Ender), and Zara (Rascal)

We enter Rosepeak about to summon

Cassiandris is basically spewing word soup. Liana: I can bring him back *diamond and holy water* Voice: I KEPT MY WORD. NO DEBT BETWEEN US.

The diamond burns away. The ground stirs, splitting open and it becomes wider and wider, pushing the coffin to the surface.

The skeleton gains flesh, and clothes and he looks around “Who are you?”

Me: *uses Jockey Music to play Thriller* Everyone: who the fuck-

Micheal: What happened to *insert name of coffee shop that went out of business centuries ago* ? Bob: That place was full of health code violations. I own that land now and I'm making my own coffee shop there Micheal: What’s heath code? Bob: You disgust me.

Zara gets a text from the cat girls saying that Sue and all the pets have gone missing. Zara texts back "it'll be fine" and Alfie gets a text from his past self saying "Uh everyone's pets are in Russia?" and he responds back "It'll be fine."

Micheal: If I remember it was 1011 Everyone: It’s 2024. Micheal: Surely you jest- I need a newspaper. Everyone: Here’s some newspapers~ Bob: *pulls out a dress made out of newspaper* Zara: It’s a lovely dress but I don’t think that’s going to help- Bob: No today’s newspaper is right here *points at beautifully made train* Zara: *pulls out her phone* Oh the pets and Sue are missing Micheal: What’s that? Bob: It’s a phone. You can play flappy bird on it. Micheal: What’s a flappy bird? Bob: *shows him how to play flappy bird* Micheal: *gets addicted* We go back to the Whitmore house passing a store called “Berizon”

And the house is derelict. Everyone is overwhelmed by emotion. Severa appears, looking at Micheal.

Ender: SHUT UP DISCORD. Me: Discord stops playing the harmonica and walks away sadly. He was trying to be supportive of his son.

Severa is briefly happy.

And Micheal is struck with full mortal terror “What have you done. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE-” And Emira appears. She doesn’t know what to say. And he looks at them even more terrified and tries to run. He is booking it. Bob cast locate creature on him so we know where he is.

Severa’s look of joy morphs into melancholy and she laughs. She screams. And yells at Emira who leaves back to therapy with La’far and Illusioned Alfie. “YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.” She unleashes a torrent of creatures and deities. But then stops.

“No. I’ll do it myself” And her eyes glow a rich vibrant purple “Oh yes. If you have any final words, say them now.”

Roll Initiative.

Cass: 39 Pat: 30  Severa: 26  Brag: 23  Zara: 22  Bob: 18  Liana: 15  Truk: 14  Alfie: 8

Cassiandris strikes her with many attacks. She regens

A floating orb tries to make its way to Patrick. It's his soul. “No you don’t”

3 silhouettes appear next to Bob, Zara, and Liana. They are Cassiandris's echos

Patrick’s thought bubble appears saying “fuck” he grabs it and writes down all the resistances and vulnerabilities

Damage Resistances Cold, Lightning, Necrotic Damage Immunities Poison; Bludgeoning, Piercing, and Slashing from Nonmagical Attacks Condition Immunities charmed, exhausted, paralyzed, frightened, poisoned

The party is enveloped in black holes, and we feel the sensation of being crushed, roll a con save. 29 force damage on a success. 58 on a fail.

Severa rips a hole in the fabric of reality and wields it like a sword. Blade of disaster.

Bragar burns her, she regenerates.

Severa succeeds against everything he tries to do. Alfie succeeds the bane spell on Severa. Bob: dammit why did- It’s okay, it’s okay to fail sometimes.

Alfie gets Sanctuaried by Patrick Another round and most are pulled back into the Dark Star.

Alfie gets to cast Tasha’s hideous laughter. AKA Dad Joke. He appears within Severa’s vision. “What do you call a nervous fly? A jitterbug” THE BITCH SUCCEEDED THE SAVE.

Patrick in goliath form goes down at some point and reappears in fey form behind Severa like "Oh, I'd hate to be that guy-"

Bragar almost dies. Again.

He survives. (thank fuck)

Brick: Bragar was supposed to just be an npc who was death fodder to motivate Truk. THAT’S ALL HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. Me: BLORBO WILL NOT DIE. Rascal: WE LOVE BRAGAR. Ender: BLORBO IS BEST.

Cream is doing Severa’s attacks.

SEVERA FINALLY FAILS THE SAVE. She is zone of truthed. Severa reveals that she is a true immortal Alfie: Glad to see I’m not the only one.

Patrick shoves Severa down, she succeeds on the concentration save. She is grappled.

Zara tries to plane shift away with Bragar Severa: *counterspells Zara’s plane shift with Zara* ENOUGH. THIS PETTY SQUABBLE HAS LASTED LONG ENOUGH.

Meteor Swarm

And there is a feeling of panic. But the echos teleport us away. Cassiandris’s echos all take each person’s place, only one stands. She is unconscious.

Me: Cream I am going to key your car.

The reins are handed over to Rose and Ender

Patrick and Cassiandris are dropped through a doorway and everyone is pulled into a doorway by shadowy arms.

Someone casts a spell. Mental Prison. And she freezes up. And we are swept away to a derelict cottage in the woods.

Cassiandris is laying on the ground and one of her echos stand, looking concerned. They are essentially pieces of her soul. Patrick is passed out, performing CPR on himself And we hear someone clear their throat.

We turn around to face the person.

End of session

[seokjinnieswife007]

😫Never felt this single in my whole life this show got me squealing so bad ..

The chemistry is so freakin good that they watered the deserts, fed the famished, give sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf. They literally parted the seas, eradicated poverty and shifted the axes. It literally changed lives.

Let me tell you the MOMENT that man asked "do i have permission" i was done for. i kept my headphone down and had to take a walk around the house CAUSE AINT NO FUCKING WAY OFG WTF YOU ARE INSANE SHE MAKES HIM FERAL FERAL, SHE STOPS BREATHING?? HE SHIVERS?? WHAT THE FXCK!???!!??!!?!!

WHERE. DO. I. GET. A. GUWON. FOR. MYSELF!!????

i'm convinced that lee junho has a PhD in Extremely Intense Bedroom Eyes.

Why is this man so GORGEOUS!???!!!??

He's down FR . he's so vocal about it. He doesn't hide his emotions. He doesn't act like NO THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE HOW CAN I HAVE THESE FEELINGS. NO!! MAN IS STRAIGHT OUT HEART EYEING SARANG AND HE'S LIKE. DO I HAVE TO SAY IT!?!?🥺. MY GOD THIS MAN IS .....

🤌🏼The Standard 🤌🏼

I honestly don't know how I'm surviving getting through this show. Maybe I'm not and I'm speaking from the grave. Every scene between Guwon and Sarang has my heart racing and I'm squealing like a Weirdo. THE EYE CONTACT, THE CHEMISTRY, THE BANTER. I'm OBSESSED like hell. I don't know how I will survive their dating era.

I have always had my eyes on junho. I knew he was sexy but I didn't know he was this SUBTLE FLIRTING KING AND I'MMA STARE YOU UNTIL YOU MARRY ME KINDA SEXY!!!!????! I'm literally done with this man. N I'm Planning to sue him for the irreparable damage he has done to my brain.

[mephyyy]

So I was trying to find some random Sonic OCs off Google to draw today because, man, art block killing me. I would like to prefece that I, myself, have Sonic OCs.

(This is all old art, except for my sonic.exe oc, but alas)

I think they're fun and a good way to express your creativity, whether that's writing them to date a character that you like or to be the most popular/powerfulest person EVER.

But with my not very deep dive into the 3 page of Google, I realized that even the really well draw or intriguing OCs are "cringe" and "Mary Sues".

With this, the notion comes that OCs are inherently cringe and not worth making unless you make them the most boring and unspecial person ever. Like: "This is my Sonic oc, Joe the cat. He works at a desk job, and he likes coffee." Making just your average Joe can be fun, but the thought that ALL OCs have to be fucking boring is dumb.

This thought is everywhere. You scroll through Google for 30 seconds, and you see articles about sonic OCs being a sickness, like this article from the medium. Like the drawing that a 10 y/o posted on deviant art about their green sonic will irreparably damage art.

This mindset actually hurts art in the long run. If you get told over and over again that the self insert you make is cringe and you should never draw again then, inevitably, you're going to stop drawing.

I was someone actually who thought for a very long time that my OCs shouldn't be special, or have super cool powers, or even have heterocromia. A good lot of my original characters were boring because I was worried about making a Mary Sue (Thanks CyberSans). It's actually a very deliberate choice that my self-insert/persona, Mephy, cringe.

Yes, I took things from jjba and Sonic to make this weird combo of Mephiles, Diego, jouta, and myself. I did this to push myself to make something "cringe," and anytime I think about removing his tail, I remember why I gave him one.

After I disregarded being seen as cringe, did I start to like designing characters. Just the want to make something I like without being worried if it's cringe or not. I think the freedom to make things like this is very important for young artists (or just artists in general). It's very liberating.

I took the making things purposefully cringe into my TF2 OCs. I gave them on the noise names, and I gave them back stories that were edgy. I enjoyed it. It made me happy.

With the acceptance of being seen as weird, I almost forgot what things were "cringe." I've just been seeing so many people happily making sonadow fan kids that I forgot people think that's cringe. I forgot that edgy OCs is cringe. I forgot that just being into something odd is cringe, and that makes me sad. I honestly thought that we got past thinking that darkspine the evil hedgehog (original character, do not steal) is cringe.

It's just sad. These OCs are cool. And yes, there are sonic OCs that aren't seen as cringe, like Ian Jr, S.N.T., or Trevor the hedgehog, but those are the exceptions. When was the last time you heard something say that Rosechu was their favorite OC? That's right, you haven't because sonichu is very much "cringe" (and don't bring up that Chris-chan did some fucked up shit, y'all didn't like she before she went to jail or did any of that fucked up stuff.) Why can't someone just make someone weird?

Concussion: Stop seeing things as cringe, and cringe culture is NOT dead until we kill it ourselves.

Anyway, I think I have written enough, and my English teacher would say that this is an emotional rant and that I need to rewrite like half of this. I think one of her exact words on a paper I wrote was "zack, this sentence makes me want to smear poop in my hair."

Here is some old art is some of my favorite little guys I found off Google (:

[vagabond-umlaut]

i don't have the money required to sue mappa for the emotional damages they caused me today [i was so fkn close to tears on commute while watching the s2 ep3] so i'm js gonna write THE CANON-DIVERGENT FIC no one needs but myself, mayhaps

[angelosearch]

Chaos Theory Project update!

I've been enjoying writing these little journal entries intermittently throughout the project. It'll be cool look back and read them!

Well, at the end of May, I estimated that I had 70k words left to write for CT, including all notes, outlines, etc. But now that I have written 65500 of those words, I have realized I have at least 20k to go. Whomp whomp.

But on the good side, I DO think I will potentially finish before or on Squall's birthday!! It all depends on how things go with the chapter I am currently writing, which may be the hardest to write chapter in the whole fic. When you get there, you'll understand why.

That's chapter 31. I may have five chapters to write after that, and one already has one substantial scene done. And the epilogue is pretty solid already, too! If I keep something close to my current pace, I really do think it's possible.

Plus, the important thing is to have it all written. I think I can balance editing and grad school.

Chapters 27-30 will be a ride and I am SO EXCITED to share them. These chapters are the crux of what I've imagined for the story the whole time. All I have to say is hold on to your butts (and hearts) and please do not sue me for emotional damages (I am already suing myself for them). Also, twists! Twists that I hope are believable but not expected!

For better or worse, I've been going through some The Locked Tomb brain rot while working on the last few chapters and I am afraid that is evident (stylistically speaking). Unfortunately, I am easily influenced. It's a blessing and a curse.

Now back to writing!

[matan4il]

Hi 👋😁 it's been a while. I loved this week's meta, as always. I genuinely love how you don't go utterly off the rails in to wild speculation in your analysis but also are so hopeful and positive when it comes to canon buddie.

Anyway, I was wondering, do you think the guardianship will be addressed any time soon or is it going to be something that won't come up until Eddie's next life threating situation? What Chim's dad said brought it to mind and reignited my longing for some acknowledgement.

Anyway, keep up the incredible work. 💙

Hi darling! It's always a pleasure to hear from you, no matter when! I'm overjoyed you liked the 610 meta post! :D And thank you so much for the kind words. I'm glad I get to spread joy over all of the Buddie goodness and share that with you!

Honestly, the legal guardianship SHOULD come up! We know Chris will be in the room speaking to Buck. We know Eddie loses it when he's terrified of losing his friend (and love of his life) AND his co-parent. During a season in which Buck is struggling with the issue of paternity and what it means! If they don't bring it up, if Eddie doesn't mutter something about having changed his will to prepare for any eventuality, but not having anything for a scenario where Buck gets hurt, because he could just never fathom a world with him... it would be a crime against script writing. There, I said it. It's like showing us the protagonist's gun in the first act, having the whole play take place in the Wild West, and then never even mentioning this gun in the last act, in the middle of a - you guessed it - gun fight. If they don't bring it up, I will sue them myself for emotional damages. XD

Thank you again for the support and always being so lovely and amazing! I hope you're having a great day! As always, here's my ask tag. xoxox

[hehearse]

ur art makes me so insane. there is such raw emotion that you fit into every square inch of every piece ESPECIALLY your comics like good fucking god. save some pathos for the rest of us /j

genuinely though theres like four different comics/drawings that have stuck with me for WEEKS. the yjh putting on The White Coat one,, ,just fucking kill me yourself Jesus God And Holy Mary. your art makes me want to punt myself into the fucking sun and i WILL be suing for damages. never stop. i await your finishing of orv with MUCH glee

THANK YOU glad we all here lose our minds simultaneously!! <33 hand in unlovable hand!! <3

and ah the coat comics. haha. hehe. hoho. if i could sue myself for damages i would.

[casketscratch]

I have an emergency appointment with the therapist tomorrow but fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck

for real TW on csa/abuse/incest/trafficking/rage but also maybe cults? i don't even know if they count as one but just in case.

I can't lmao, like the anger and the sheer emotion that is roiling under my skin I don't know what to do with other than breathe fire and I want to hurt them, I want to hurt every single one of them right in their very souls and make them register just how much damage they did to us. And it wouldn't matter, is the fuck of it, because they all did it to each other, too. My grandpa abused his kids who abused their kids who on and on and on. And they married other people like them and it's this whole, just. Behemoth. Thing.

We remembered. Not everything. But enough. One incident that just. I need to spew, I need to go outside and howl and destroy something but I'm incapacitated with pain and muscle spasms and just you know asthma, and... And some part of us is scared of being too obvious still. Rightfully.

My cousin's "rite of passage" when he turned 13 was being given me, younger than he was, to... you know. But it was a family affair and I so hesitate to use the word cult when I don't really know, but... what's the word for cult-adjacent? For... the level of organized they were, the level of conspiracy required (like, legally), the... jesus christ, the brainwashing and conditioning we had to so carefully get through. I don't have the language for what it even technically WAS, where do you even BEGIN?

We were written out of the wills when we moved, I was told once, because it was so... we weren't supposed to get away like that, oh my god were we ever not, and there are parts so certain we are going to die because of it because they. let. our other aunt die. She's the only one we know of who ever distanced herself and got out and she died homeless and alone and no one knew for years because no one cared enough to look for her and I am just hitting a level of oh my god a lot of pieces have come together, I think.

I want their hearts. I want to sue them for everything they're worth, everything they took from me, everything they barred me from. I'm so in debt from paying for endless chronic health issues, and sometimes from paying, lol, to fly myself back to see them, haha, because the compulsion to return was so ingrained and we would basically volunteer ourselves to be re-conditioned and have it all like, strengthened, and I just.

I don't blame those parts for doing it I just can't swallow that the debt is from that, I can't do it, I can't get past the sheer fucking ocean of rage at how fucked I am because of ... the therapist hates when I attribute anything to luck bc what I want to say it was just bad luck being born to the people I was BUT THAT'S NOT IT, IS IT. They CHOSE THAT. It was ritualistic and "rites of passage" and so FUCKING DELIBERATE.

Ah, see, I get why the therapist is so frustrated with the luck thing now, lol.

Where do you even fucking begin once that dam breaks. Who the fuck would even believe us. How much did I risk telling them I remembered and not to contact me ever again. What the fuck?

They broke me to rock bottom and I clawed my way out of it with shredded fragments of a picture and I will carve their guts out with whatever tools I have. For my late aunt's sake, if nothing else. She deserved so much better.

And if I say that about her then I have to fucking own it: we deserved so much fucking better too.

[aquiusf]

You know how I know I'm adhd? Because every time I have a moment to myself, all I hear is "DULOC IS! DULOC IS! DULOC IS THE PERFECT PLAAAAAAAACE!"

I feel like I should sue for emotional damages

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

✨✨✨✨✨ANGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ✨✨✨✨✨

Okay hiii ~~ I’m dumping all these thoughts on you so be prepared 🤭

So like I said in my last message, I’ve been a very dark place recently where everything seems like it’s constantly hitting, but after asking for your advice, I took it to heart and really followed if, finding it really did help taking it one tiny step at a time with the simplest things. Life is still throwing every little shit it can find at me, but I’m dealing with it much much better, and I feel like I owe you some thanks to that, so again, I don’t think I can ever tell you how much I appreciate you and enjoy your presence!! I never got to respond to it, but I read your post recently and felt like this was more important to respond first.

Two, I’m so saddened to hear you’re feeling a bit lost about the writing and fandom. I haven’t been on much trying to focus on my self so I don’t know much, but when I do check in every now and then, it does seem… quiet? I hope and think it’ll liven up the closer it comes to June. But regardless of that—

I ADORE YOUR WRITING. Your writing is some of the most thought-provoking, emotional pieces I’ve read, and it truly shows and reflects just how much heart and soul you put into it. I’ll be honest, there’s some times when I can’t read certain fics of yours because I’m not mentally in the right headspace for some, but— to me— it just reflects on how great and impactful your writing is!!! Idk if u remember, and this was when I newly started following you so I was like extra super nervous and shy lol, but the person that requested the jealous Ettore was me. I think I remember sending an anon back and thanking you bc I was impressed and thankful you accepted it, but also I was so shy my hands were shaking the entire time so it was a bit blurry lol. I remember literally fangirling and gushing to my two friends (one who doesn’t even care about Ewan lmao) about how I was so impressed and blown away by it!! Your Ettore series had me hooked (AND IM STILL NOT OVER HOW IT ENDED— I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I will sue you for my emotional damages 🥺)! The Aemond one where after a toxic relationship, the reader tries to escape and he doesn’t let her literally made me want to wallow in the despair. And the Michael Gavey one where I basically wrote an essay of how much I loved it is still one I think about way too much for it to be healthy— plus it’s given me some really crazy dreams 🤭 Those are just my top three! Much to say, I adore your writing. I adore the commitment and dedication you give and feed us. And most importantly, I adore you. Although selfishly I hope you continue, I hope you know no matter what you ever decide to do, I’ll always support and follow. I am a la loyal after all 🤭😂

In all seriousness, I hope life is treating you well, and i hope you’re being kind to yourself. I’m sending all my love and support!! Please stay safe and healthy. Much much much love to you, Ange 🩶🩶🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

Post Scriptum:: this was insanely long and completely manic-produced, I am so so sorry !! ✨

I am so glad that my advice has helped a little and things are starting to improve for you. I hope they continue to get better!

I had no idea your were my jealous Ettore anon! I had so much fun writing that, thank you for sending it! And thank you for the kind words, they truly mean a lot. You have never been anything but kind and supportive to me, and I hope you realise how appreciated it is!

I've no plans to deactivate this blog. I enjoy reading other people's fics, and looking at all the pretty gifs. I just need to do something for myself that makes me feel better about my own creative output. I've no idea what that is yet, but I will figure it out!

Thank you for taking the time to check in. I hope the rest of your week is a good one. Sending so much love to you! xoxo

[aw-tysm]

hi im the anon from before.

to summarize my intentions here: i am wary of you because of how i have been treated in the past by people who post about the same things that you do and im trying to figure out whether or not you are going to be unkind to me if i exist earnestly in your vicinity like other autistic people who are similar to you have in the past.

i was not diagnosed with autism as a kid because my mom refused to have me tested because she didnt want the responsibility of raising a disabled child. she chose to intentionally ignore my impairments, and when she couldnt she made it clear that she thought my disabilities were personal and moral failings on my part. she has been calling me a spaz for so long that i didnt realize it was an ableist slur until i was a grown adult. i have been repeatedly told that being undiagnosed means you are obviously low support needs and nobody seems to be saying otherwise and that feels gross to me because my experiences dont make sense in that framework. and when i try to explain that to other people they invalidate and deny my experiences instead of challenging their own viewpoint of autism.

i suffered from severe head trauma as a three year old and it isnt actually diagnosed because my mom didnt take me to the ER. she took me to the family pediatrician who held me down long enough to sew shut the gaping wound on my forehead because my mom was planning to go see a play and she didnt want to have to stay home and keep an eye on me after i hurt myself. and now i am actively denied referrals to neurologists despite having seizures all the time. which i plan to sue over once i can get help figuring out how to do so. i have been heavily medically neglected because of my autistic behaviors that are undiagnosed because of the medical discrimination i face over my brain damage.

my emotional instability from the brain damage has been diagnosed as every "problem disorder" under the sun and as such everyone i ever meet thinks im delusional and out of touch with reality. i cant get adequate medical care because people think im crazy because of my more extreme brain damage symptoms and how they combine with my autism.

according to your definition i do have caregivers! even if theyre not very good at taking care of me! but when other "high/mid" supports needs autistics on here were questioning my disability i was told that the only caregivers that matter were ones that were paid to help you, that loved ones didnt count. i was made fun of for saying my loved ones are my caregivers. which is why i now say i dont have one. thats what i have been told to do by other people who claim they are more of an authority on autism than me.

according to your definition i also dont and cant mask but according to all the other autistic people who like to make fun of me all the time my severe ocd is the same thing as masking so thus im obviously low support needs. i have been called "sheldon cooper" by so many "high/mid" support needs autistic people that its not funny anymore. im constantly made fun of for "masking" by people who are mocking me for how stereotypically autistic i am behaving and its making me feel scared and sick. im being repeatedly gaslit about what masking looks like so people can deny my disabilities.

i have had "high/mid" support needs autistic people call me "retarded" repeatedly because i get upset when they mislabel me as "low support needs" when i am evidently not.

i have been silenced with extreme violence because early diagnosed autistic people keep saying im "talking over them" when i try to explain that my experiences dont fit within their perception of autism.

im just.

you seem like you have genuinely good intentions but at the end of the day the way you are engaging with the autism community makes me feel unsafe as a psychotic autist with brain damage who has severe medical and psychiatric trauma from neglect i face due to ableism.

some of us dont get to have a diagnosis even if having one would help us survive. some of us dont get to have adequate caregivers even if we need them. some of us dont get any accommodations at all even if we need them.

i am. literally struggling to survive. because allistic society does nothing but abuse me and the autistic community seems to want to pretend they dont see it? my basic needs arent being met and nobody thinks its their responsibility to help me and im getting scared.

i just feel like i have been forcibly pushed out of my own community by people who think they are an authority who has the right to "correct misinformation." i dont think you should all get to Speak As Authorities in a way that gives people who have more niche experiences no room to talk about their own lives.

you arent an authority on autism. you are an authority on your own experiences. and if you want to correct misinfo as it relates to your own experiences then fine but you need to be more mindful of what actually counts under "your experiences" because as i see it your viewpoint on autism is limited and you are imposing an Autism Standard that only covers a very small part of the spectrum.

you. are not. an expert. on the whole. autism. spectrum. and yet you think its your place to "correct misinformation" based on your own beliefs and opinions and experiences. what if its not misinfo and you are just misunderstanding someone???? what if YOU just dont understand what they are talking about because you dont have direct experience with it??

how can you trust that the information you are spreading is any more correct or helpful?

i am at least "mid support needs" according to all the definitions and requirements and yet other people who claim to be my peers keep calling me ableist slurs because they insist im low support needs.

i just want to know that if i interact with your blog as a person who doesnt fit your expectations that you arent going to tear me to absolute shreds over it like the bajillion other "high/mid" support needs autistic people who have literally called me retarded for not wanting to be improperly labeled in a way that denies my suffering.

and like. this is not "discourse" and im frustrated that you see it as such. its such a red flag. i am begging you to be more mindful of autistic people who have experiences that you dont understand because youre attempts to "educate" are biased.

i just. i think yall should stop appointing yourselves as Autism Ambassadors when you are only knowledgeable on a very narrow part of the autism spectrum: the part you personally are on.

you are a hairs breadth away from unintentionally denying a lot of peoples experiences and i think yall need to just. take a step back and ask yourselves what exactly you think you are accomplishing by "correcting misinformation" like this. who is correcting all the misinformation i was fed by people who didnt want to allow me to talk about how hard my autism makes my life?

Honestly? It sounds like you're just giving yourself reasons to not follow me. And that's perfectly fine, you don't have to follow me. Keeping yourself safe is important.

I'm really just kind of consfused to be honest? I don't know who you are, I don't even know if I follow you. As far as I'm concerned, I don't interact with you in any kind of capacity already. I haven't seen anyone really interact with my blog beyond just liking or reblogging. So it's rather confusing having these asks come out of nowhere?

And some things that higher support needs post about aren't really based on "their experiences"? Like, it's just a fact that autism is a developmental disorder. That autism is considered a disability. We haven't been given any new scientific evidence yet to say otherwise. It's also just plain fact that some autistics have more severe symptoms that occur more frequently than others. There's studies around that kind of thing too? Sure we learn new things as we go and we correct accordingly where we can.

I labelled it "discourse" because you mention the term "heavily medicalised autistic people" and also mentioned that you're "anti-psych". You can be anti-psych if you want to, and I understand some of it stems from trauma, I'm not gonna stop you. But I'm not anti-psych and at this point in my life, I will never be anti-psych.

I'm also not the one labelling you as low support needs. What you're going through sucks, for sure. I'm not going to invalidate your experiences. But I'm also not a person who is good at emotional reciprocity. So if you're looking for some empathy or support, I'm probably not the blog to be following. I'm not a person who is good at that. Never have been and probably never will be.

I don't claim to be an advocate or an activist or an authority for autism. I am just one person posting my thoughts out into the void and learning new things as I go.

I have been on this hellsite since about 2010. And with this blog specifically? I am just out here vibing with about 100 followers, some of which are probably only here for the kpop.

You curate your own experiences here. Sometimes blogs just change or you realise you don't agree with them anymore, that's a-okay. It happens.

I've no idea how to how to make this experience better for you as I've no idea what I've done wrong. So if you feel that in order to protect yourself and keep yourself safe that you need to unfollow me, then do what's best for you.