#I wasn't part of a cult (I don't think?) it was just a church that held enough similarities with a cult | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mrsshabana · 6 months ago

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honestly i need a story time about the cult? also the link to that podcast, im intrigued now lol

𝐌𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭

Ok children gather around. It's story time 🤓

Note: Now I won't provide a link because I talk about a lot of personal stuff including my name and location, and I don't want so many people having access to that. But I don't mind telling my story here.

Content warning: Mentions of religious trauma and eating disorders

Ok, so let me set the scene. I was 18 and moved out of my parents' house. I lived in a ghetto apartment near my university where I was studying art.

Now when I moved out my parents stopped talking to me. So I really felt alone, I had no family, no friends, and I was in a new place so I was very desperate to have a connection with someone. So really I was the perfect victim for a cult because I was vulnerable.

One day I was walking out of the mathematics building when a student stopped me and asked me if I would like to read the bible with her. She was a Korean international student and she was really nice so I was like sure why not. Now at this point, I wasn't super religious but I did consider myself a Christian. But I never knew the bible very well and my family was the kind of family that only went to church on easter and Christmas.

So anyway, I read the bible with her and she explained it to me. The way she explained the passage was insinuating that there was a female version of god. That was something I had never heard of before but it was interesting to me so I decided to come with her to her bible study.

Long story short it ended up being this organization called "The World Mission Society Church of God." I went to their church and spent hours with them every Wednesday and Saturday because they made me feel accepted. They welcomed me and became like my family which I didn't have at the time.

Something I really loved about them was that their church was so diverse. There were so many different kinds of people there, I really felt welcome. Because growing up churches seemed so segregated. I'm biracial, my mom is white and my dad is black so growing up we either went to the white church or the black church. And at both I felt like people would stare at me and my family and that I wasn't welcome there.

So it felt really nice to have such a diverse church where I felt truly welcomed. Anyway, I ended up making a lot of friends there and I stayed with them for about 6 months. Then I figured out they were actually a cult. It's a long story but I won't go into it because this isn't even the main part yet.

After leaving the World Mission Society I felt really lonely again because I lost the only friends and sense of belonging I had. But I had to just keep going.

Maybe about 3 months later this random Korean guy approached me on campus and he asked me if I'd like to participate in a survey thing about the bible. I was skeptical at first because my previous church had told me that every Korean person was a part of their church. (Which obviously is NOT true). But my mind was thinking, "Oh no, what if they are trying to get back to me."

But I decided that it's not right to assume that this man is a part of that cult just because he's Korean. So I agreed to participate in this survey and I gave him my phone number.

Basically, a professor was writing a book where she'd answer people's most common questions about the bible. And she was surveying students to collect questions for the book. It sounded pretty cool to me so I was very interested.

I met up with the professor at a Starbucks on campus and I answered her questions about things I've always wondered about the bible. We'll call this lady Anya.

During our meeting, I expressed to Anya how I felt discarded by god because of my previous cult experience. I felt like I wasn't worthy of his love and I was very ashamed of what I did. Because we would literally pray to a human man who claimed to be god. After leaving I knew that wasn't true, and I figured god no longer loved me for what I did.

Anya was so encouraging and kind. She told me that is it 100% untrue, and that god does love me. That he put me through that experience for a reason and it only made me stronger.

Then she offered to do some bible study lessons with me so I could learn things the right way and start to feel a little bit better about my situation. And of course, I agreed. I was desperate to redeem myself and make friends again.

So I started going to this bible study once a week. Which turned to twice a week. Which turned into me going to some woman's house to have lessons. We'll call this woman Cara.

Cara was from Korea and so was her husband, they were extremely nice and welcomed me into their home. They would feed me ramen and cool snacks, and I honestly felt like a part of their family. There were lots of people in this bible study too and I made a ton of friends.

So fast forward, I had been studying the bible with them for about a year now. And nothing crazy, I was learning about the parables of the bible and the meanings of all those things in the bible that make no sense. It was very informative and interesting but nothing outlandish.

They sit us down for this big "reveal" about who the 2nd coming of Jesus is. Now they hyped it up so much and they told us that we can't judge this person no matter what. This whole time I thought it was going to be someone crazy like Kanye West or something. But no, it was an old Korean man.

He seemed unassuming enough? I had never heard of him so I didn't know why they made such a big deal out of it.

Now at this point, you are probably thinking, "Why the hell would you fall for this again?" Listen, trust me I was frustrated with myself when I left but you have to understand these people love-bombed me when I had no one. They became my family when I had none. They lied to me for an entire year so I'd trust them and get close to them before they revealed who they really were.

And they were a church called Shincheonji.

And I had no problem accepting this because these people had been my family and my best friends for an entire year. They'd feed me, watch movies with me, do anything to help me out. So I trusted them wholeheartedly. But really I was just being brainwashed.

So after I found out that they were Shincheonji they put me in their group for advanced students. And I'd begin studying multiple times a week at Cara's house and Anya was always there too. I would join the twice-weekly sermons via zoom as well. Where one of the Korean tribe leaders would give a sermon about something. I was in the Mathias tribe by the way, though that doesn't really matter.

I would do so so much with them, we even all went on a road trip to Houston where the other branch was. They even got me a birthday cake and surprised me for my birthday too. It was honestly great, and I loved them a lot.

We were basically encouraged to recruit as many people as we can because if we don't they will go to hell. They put so much pressure on us for this. They'd say things like, "Don't you want to save them?" And I am a very empathetic person so I felt like omg I want to save everyone! But on the other hand, ever since I joined Shincheonji my anxiety and depression went through the roof. The pressure to save the entire world is a lot for a 21-year-old girl. So I never recruited anyone myself because I didn't want them to have to struggle with the same mental health issues I did when I joined.

I also had some physical health issues arise as well. Their teachings would always preach how "The word of god is all the food we need." How spiritual food was more important than physical food. And that really stuck with me, especially when I got food poisoning and I couldn't eat solid food for two weeks. Something about not eating made me feel good. Like I didn't even need food because the word of god was enough, so why not just not eat at all? Not eating felt like the only thing I could control, so I clung to it. And I became anorexic. Being with Shinchenji was the only time I was ever considered underweight.

Anyway, I have so many crazy stories to tell about my time with them but I'll save those for another day.

I had been with them for about two and a half years before I started to question things.

We got a new teacher from Korea to replace Cara because she was going to have a baby. And this new teacher was a lot different and a lot less loving and nurturing than Cara had been.

She had said some things that I didn't agree with, and it started putting some doubt in my mind.

Ok so, on a side note I used to work at the library at my school doing data entry in the basement. And I would listen to podcasts a lot throughout the day as I did my work.

One day I found an interesting podcast about cults, where the host would bring cult victims onto the show and they'd tell their story. Well I was listening to an episode about the Moonies and I thought to myself, "Huh, they sound very similar to Shincheonji in some ways..."

But I knew I could not think such thoughts and that if I did any research then the devil would poison me through the internet. And I needed to strengthen my spirit for even thinking of such a thing.

So I went to reddit, and I found a subreddit called r/Shincheonji. I was like, "Oh yes! Now I can talk to other Shincheonji members and we can strengthen each other's faith!"

But it wasn't a subreddit for believers. It was a subreddit for ex-members and people who were against Shincheonji.

And at this point, I had already seen enough to plant that seed of doubt in me. I read more and more even though Shincheonji warned me I'd be poisoned if I ever researched them. But I couldn't stop myself.

I went through so much inner turmoil, you guys have no idea. My reality was crumbling so hard and I felt like my world was ending. It's hard to explain, but I was so indoctrinated and brainwashed by this point. This really ruined me.

I had to mourn the loss of all of the family and friends I gained these past years. I would cry almost every night because I missed them, and it was so hard to accept that they never truly loved me at all. To be honest, I still think about some of them to this day and I hope they got out and found peace in their lives.

No one in my life had known I was a part of Shincheonji. My closest friends nor my family, who had slowly started talking to me again. But I had to tell someone so I told my childhood best friend, we'll call him Blaine.

I got in a Playstation party with Blaine and I just cried. I cried so so much, and he was so confused. But eventually, I told him everything. And he was really supportive and gave me no judgment at all.

My main issue was, how could I leave? I have quite literally been living a double life this entire time and not having that scared the shit out of me. But Blaine advised me to cut them off completely and just leave without saying anything. Because his concern was that if they got the chance to talk to me, they would most certainly be able to pull me back in. And I know them well enough to know this is true. So that's exactly what I did, I left and went cold turkey. I even went as far as changing my work schedule too.

And here's where things get creepy.

I hadn't spoken to them for about a week now, and I'm at work. I'm working as usual in the basement on the computers and low and behold, three girls walk in. Girls from my cult, girls that I was close to.

Now students aren't allowed to just waltz into this room so they had some big balls to do that. But the weird thing was, I had completely changed my schedule and I was working on a day I normally had off. They should have had no idea I was there.

But here they were, holding a large cup of boba from my favorite place. And in my favorite flavor too, winter milk cap with mango popping bubbles.

They came up to me and said, "Hey girl, we noticed you haven't been coming to worship lately. Is everything alright?"

I said, "Oh uh yeah everything's fine! I've just been super busy with work and a ton of projects for class..."

"Ok, well we got this for you," they handed me the boba, "We were hoping to talk to you. We can wait for you outside and talk to you when you get off."

I started panicking so I said, "My mom is actually picking me up as soon as I get off so I won't be able to, I'm sorry! Maybe another time though, I'll text you."

They were convinced by my response so they left. And boy did I RUN so fucking fast after I got off work. I even called Blaine so he could talk to me in case they came after me, but luckily they didn't and I got home ok.

He started yelling at me for drinking the boba saying, "YOU IDIOT! THEY PROBABLY POISONED IT!"

But hey, free boba is free boba.

Anyway, after that event I knew I had to text that girl and tell her I was deciding to leave Shinchenji because I didn't want them to show up at my job again or follow me around.

So I texted her, trying to be as nice as possible and explain to her that I just couldn't do it anymore. I told her how this affected my mental health and my physical health. How I developed an eating disorder from being in Shincheonji too.

Her response was really rude and condescending. She said my mental health issues and my eating disorder were my fault and the work of satan trying to blame them. She told me that once I leave I can never be accepted into heaven, that I'm damning myself to hell as well as all of my family members. I'll be honest, she made me feel incredibly guilty and selfish for leaving. Their teachings were still ingrained in me. But I knew that I could never return after everything, so I blocked her and never spoke to her again.

Oh yeah and that book the professor was writing in the beginning, that wasn't real and she wasn't a professor. It was just a ruse to lure students in.

I will admit I could never get their teachings out of my head. And to this day, even though I know they were wrong, a part of me believes I am going to hell for what I did and all of my family will suffer because of me. So now I can't even look at a bible, and I no longer consider myself religious.

And after this experience, I reached out to that cult podcast that helped me realize I was also in a cult, and I got an episode of my own where I got to tell my story.

So yeah haha that's my story!

Today only my close friends know, and I never told my parents. They still have no idea and honestly, I don't know if I will ever tell them.

I'm still really plagued by a lot of things they did, and my worldview has never been the same. My life has never been the same. But I've been cult free for about 2 years now so I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I'm sorry this was so long. But if you read the whole thing I want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reading my story. And if you are a college student, please be careful because cults like this are rampant on college campuses, especially in the U.S.

After leaving the cult, I needed something to obsess over, something to make me feel normal. And that was Gyutaro! And I gotta say, obsessing over him is much healthier than obsessing over the teachings of a cult.

Anyway, I want you all to know that this blog has been an escape for me and helped me to feel normal again after this experience. And I don't need a cult to make me feel loved anymore. Because I have all of you :)

#𝐑𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 ʚ♡ɞ #𝐑𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬 ʚ♡ɞ #my experiences

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eletricheart · 7 months ago

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Forget-Me-Not

(Donna Beneviento x Fem!reader)

part 1

*pic creds to owner, got it from pinterest

Word count: 1383

TW: manipulation, attempted murder

I was feeling tragic when i had the idea but changed my mind so fluff with some angst sprinkles but happy ending

I tried to find a flower that meant heartbreak😭 amen to google, the photo was like unrelated to the title i just liked the aesthetic💀

ps: not proofread plss lmk any mistakes

ps2: i betrayed miranda cult and made her evil on this one😔

ps3: she's still my cutie silly girlie tho

----------------------------------------------------

You kicked, screamed, cried, begged, but still left. You were too young…and your parents were too afraid, so you left.

You still remembered the day when she came, you remembered watching through the stairs railings as she glided on the floor. Her halo being the only defining characteristic you could perfectly recall, besides your parents' terrified face.

You knew who she was, having been to church since you were two years old. Therefore, when your mother called you (long after the priestess had left) to order you to pack your bags, you knew it was her fault.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

Dani was…naive. After her conversation with her mother proved to be worthless and her refusal to accept you couldn't be found. The youngest Dimitrescu called the one person who could perform the impossible, Mother Miranda.

Cassandra had shown disinterest to the story since the start, this being a difference once compared to her two sisters. Bela wasn't as hopeful as Dani, however she was curious. So she indulged in the hunt alone.

To say Mother Miranda was surprised to hear your name was an understatement, the woman remained her composure as being questioned by Daniela, and vowed to find Donna’s little lover, for the sake of romance of course.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

You were living a quiet life in south Italy when received a letter from Romania. You were aware of the risks of returning to your hometown, Mother Miranda’s threats were never idle. But you missed Donna, and seeing her one more time was better than living a long alone life.

You arrived Sunday at seven a.m, a time Bela knew the priestess would be busy with the Mass. You were naturally confused in seeing her but having gone that far you chose to trust her, and allowed her to lead you into Beneviento territory.

The dollmaker recognized you the moment you stepped into her land, after all how could she not, her memories of you were all she had for so long, memorizing every breath was only natural for her.

So she cleared the path, no pollen or hanging bodies, just a forest and a dirt road. She even went as far as attempting to clean the house in the five minutes it would take you to arrive, consequentially giving up and crying for two of the five minutes.

Angie was the one to greet you, shooing Bela away to interrogate you while a hidden Donna watched.

You allowed the doll to conduct you to the couch where you both sat and promptly began talking.

You were grinning while looking at Angie's long explanation of how she kept your path safe. Giggling when the doll asked what you were staring at. You shook your head with a smile. “I just--it’s so good to see you.”

Angie stopped for a moment and blinked. “Oh. It is always good to see me.”

You laughed and fidgeted with your fingers. “If you don't mind me asking…um…the blonde woman. Bela? I think? She said Donna was looking for me, and well that's why I came. So…do you know where she is?”

Angie nodded slowly, watching a corner on your left before staring back at you. “Donna needs a bit more time, she doesn't want you to fade away again.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Fade away?”

The doll shrugged and quickly changed subject. “Come help me and my friends to bake a cake.”

And so was your entire day filled with baking and playing. As much as you longed to see the dollmaker, you understood it had been a while, so you gave her time.

Donna was scared during your entire visit, what if you weren't real, what if it was just her mind playing tricks. It happened before, why wouldn't it now. And that's how she found herself sitting alone on her bridge.

And that's how Mother Miranda found her.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

The priestess arrived at your house minutes after you left and once seeing Bela’s letter she hastily returned to the village and waited for you. The service was the same as always, making it easy for her to watch you make your way to Donna’s Manor.

She knew your potential of ruining all the hard work she’s conquered with the dollmaker, but also believed in her creation.

Miranda knew Donna would not be able to handle your sudden appearance just as she knew the Lady would isolate herself away from you.

That’s why she was now sitting beside her on the bridge, rubbing gentle circles on her back. “It’s okay, my child. Tell me what happened.”

Donna was staring at her shaking hands, trying and failing to normalize her breathing. The priestess was slow to hold her hands, not wanting to scare the young woman, and repeated her words.

The dollmaker looked at her from the side of her veil. “A friend I–I thought was gone, came back.”

The priestess faked compassion. “Shouldn’t that be a good thing?”

Donna quickly nodded and wiped her tears behind her veil. “What–what if she’s not real? It’s been so long, I just–why now?”

Miranda took a deep breath, carefully measuring her next words. “My dear, I’ve told you before our procedure that your friend had died. I know it’s hard to let go of the past, but you must try so you can truly heal.”

The dollmaker lifted her veil to look at the priestess, as an act of trust and despair. “What should I do, Mother?”

Miranda smiled and gently touched her cheek. “You must put an end to her, it’s the only way.”

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

You fell asleep on the couch while reading a story to the dolls. Angie was the one to wait for Donna’s return.

The doll didn't know what was discussed, however from Donna’s slow and dragging steps she could make a good guess.

Donna was holding a yellow flower, mentally preparing herself to poison you when Angie blocked her way towards you. “Angie, please, I need to heal.”

The doll fervently shook her head. “She’s the real deal, Donnie. You gotta believe me.”

Donna gave her a somber smile and controlled her out of the way. “We need to heal.”

She knelt in front of you, taking nervous breaths and tightly holding the flower. The dollmaker thought of every time you were by her side, every joke, every hug, every smile. Before she knew she was sobbing and straining herself from hugging you. She needed you to die, Mother said so, Mother knew best.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

You woke up with Donna’s head on the edge of the couch.

You did not know of the experiments, or why she had sentient dolls running around, but you knew your friend. So you carefully repositioned yourself and hugged her.

You stayed in the embrace for so long that even the other dolls had moved to other rooms so as to not disturb.

Donna’s flower found a place on the floor since the dollmaker chose to grip your arms. “I–I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

You gently shushed her and kissed the top of her head. “You have nothing to apologize for, I’m the one who’s sorry, I should’ve come back sooner.”

Donna lifted her head, the veil sticking to her face due to the tears. “I’m supposed to kill you, you’re not real.”

You held her cheeks and smiled softly. “I’m real, Donna. And I’m here, I came all this way for you. Whatever you choose to do, it’s okay, I’m just happy I get to see you one more time.”

The dollmaker nodded, going back into your embrace and hiding her head on your neck. “Is it okay if I don’t kill you right now?”

You laughed and returned the hug. “It would be great if you didn't kill me right now.”

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

It took her three weeks to understand you were not a hallucination and Mother Miranda was lying to her.

The dollmaker still kept the act, making her territory unreachable even for the priestess while you and her tried to find a way for her to leave without Miranda tracking her.

Still, even trapped inside her territory you were happy and dutifully kept your promise to never leave.

And if life ever got boring, Angie was always around to give you both a one week worth headache.

----------------------------------------------------

requests are open: masterlist

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deservedgrace · 4 months ago

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part of what makes explaining evangelical cult stuff so difficult for me is that a lot of tactics are only as effective as they are because they work in tandem with other tactics, and it requires a lot of explaining and context that's hard to talk about in a way that's coherent lol

example: i'm going through a transcript of a sermon from the church i used to go to and one of the things they did was talk about confirmation bias. thing is, they gave the webster dictionary definition and went "that's super confusing so let me break it down for you" and gave other definitions and examples and ended up with an example that wasn't really of confirmation bias, it was basically just having positive associations with certain things. and then they talked about using "confirmation bias" to have positive association with things throughout your day to remind you of christ

and i think a lot of things are pretty obvious surface level issues, like landing at an insufficient definition and understanding of confirmation bias, not engaging with the term as its meant to be used, treating it like something you have to lean into in order to further your relationship with christ

but the preacher also made an effort to make it seem like this incomprehensible and convoluted concept, both in language ("you guys are like 'confirmation bias? what does that mean?'", "that didn't make sense either lol, okay let me try to give you an example") and intentionally giving confusing definitions and using examples that don't really fit what confirmation bias is

and i can't help but think that's not a coincidence when a frequent argument i see against evangelical christianity is pointing out the confirmation bias that's kind of embedded in the culture. i can't help but wonder if making it sound like a really difficult concept to grasp makes it easier for people to dismiss those arguments because "it's super complicated so they probably don't understand it." i can't help but wonder if equating confirmation bias with Positive Associations and Thing You Should Be Doing to Help Your Relationship with Christ will only make members think outsiders' criticisms of it is an attack from Satan trying to tempt them. i can't help but wonder if making it seem like something that's impossible to understand deters people from looking into it on their own. i can't help but wonder if the pastor was trying to send a message (even subconsciously) that "you couldn't possibly understand these things on your own, you need the church to do it for you"

but like, all of these things are only effective because outside/alternative beliefs are demonized. you're taught "worldly" people are evil and satanic. you're taught you're supposed to be dependent and obedient to god/the church. you're told not to "fall victim to worldly thinking". you're taught non-believers think they're smart and knowledgeable, but they're actually foolish and don't know anything

and those things are only effective because you're told the church has the absolute truth. you're told you can't question doctrine. you're taught that doubting is sinful and you falling into your human nature and risks your salvation. you're told outsiders are empty and broken and incapable of real happiness or peace or goodness or love. you're told that you're like that too, by nature, and the only reason you're not is because you're here

and these things maintain effectiveness by using music, prayer, meditation, speaking in tongues, etc to alter your mental state. encouraging fasting and sleep deprivation and otherwise denying your needs to induce emotional states. using hypnotic methods. claiming brain chemistry is the holy spirit

and like, in my case of growing up in it, it's as effective as it is because the church is shaping your morality, your reality, your thought process, your beliefs, your common sense, your critical thinking skills, all of it. because you're not allowed access to outside perspectives. because you're constantly emotionally dangled just above the flames of hell. because you have to listen to and trust the adults around you or else they'll drop you in. because even if they do that, you only have yourself to blame for being sinful

like, how do you explain all that? that it's never just that one thing?

#ex cult #ex christian #religious trauma #child indoctrination #cult tactics

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supercap2319 · 1 year ago

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Not A Bloody Original

The Church of Blood was quiet. Too quiet if you ask Y/N. He expected a great quantity of cult worshippers chanting over the ominous bubbling pool of blood in the center of the room, arms raised and praising their lord and savior Brother Blood. Or as Y/N and other Titans called him: Sebastian Sanger. He was someone they tried to save, but he made his choice, and now Y/N would make his, no matter how much he didn't want to.

The man in the center of the room never took his eyes off the glowing red pool of magma. Either he wasn't aware of Y/N's presence, or he just didn't care. Perfect. "Phasmatos incen–"

"Now, that's not a friendly way of saying hello." Brother Blood turned to Y/N with a smile. "Ahh, Y/N, so nice of you to show up. I was afraid you'd miss out on all the fun."

"Give up, Sebastian. You can't win. It's over."

"Is it? I feel like it's just beginning." Brother Blood teased. "This is the final stretch like you Americans like to say."

Y/N huffed. "One more chance, Sebastian. Give up and surrender."

"Before you continue with your threats, I'd like for our friends to join us. Or should I say… friend?"

Y/N watched as someone else came into the room and before Y/N could send this new enemy back with magic, he realized the person was Dick in his Nightwing costume. "Dick? You're here." Instead of coming to his side, Y/N watched as Dick walked towards Brother Blood and kneeled before him.

Brother Blood smirks underneath his mask of bone. "I'd say I've caged this bird, wouldn't you agree, luv?" Dick had a far off look in his eyes and it didn't take a genius to see that Sebastian was using his powers to control him. Y/N took a step towards Sebastian. "If you don't, let go of him right now, Sebastian, I'm gonna…"

Brother Blood's whole body began to glow a violent red as he raised a hand, and Dick suddenly produced a knife and held it to his throat. "Uh-uh-uh. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Unless you want your precious Nightwing to slit his own throat?" Y/N backed off and leered at Rachel's half-brother.

"Good boy." Dick stopped, but he still held the knife close to his throat. Brother Blood looked pretty confident and cocky at that fact he had Y/N backed into a corner. If he tried to attack him, Sebastian would have Dick slit his own throat, and a part of him wonders if he could teleport the knife away before Nightwing slashed his own windpipe. "I wouldn't try anything funny, Y/N." Brother Blood warned, almost as if he was reading his thoughts. He probably was.

"Why are you doing this, Sebastian?"

"What? You mean getting power, respect, and everything that I ever wanted? Everything I so rightfully deserve. And I've never been fond of the name 'Sebastian.' I prefer something bold, like Klaus."

"Klaus? Who the hell are you, Joseph Morgan?" Y/N asked.

"I think I'm beyond fictional vampires, but I have something to offer you. A deal if you will." Suddenly, all around Y/N, the Church of Blood worshippers came into the room in robes. They chanted low underneath their breath as Y/N had to fight the urge to set them all on fire. "What kind of deal?"

"I'll let your precious Dick go and promise not to harm him in any way. If…" Brother Blood began.

"If what?"

"...If you let me fuck you on my throne in front of my Church of Blood." Brother Blood smirked underneath his bone mask.

Y/N looks completely taken aback. "What the fuck? No way. Why would you want that?"

"I've got almost everything that I want. Sexual gratification is the only thing that's alluded to in my grasp. And If I'm being honest, it's the perfect way to solidify my place as leader amongst these worshippers. Seeing their leader take one of the most powerful magical users and fucking his brains out." He smiled.

"Fuck you, Sebastian!" Y/N said.

"Fine, have it your way, Luv." Brother Blood's body glowed once again as Dick started to dig the knife into his throat as he groaned in pain.

"Okay. Okay! Stop! I'll do whatever you want, I swear. Just don't… just don't hurt him."

Brother Blood stops his magic and nods as he walks towards his throne and sits down as he spreads his legs wide and smiles. The pool's reflection made him look ominous and eerie as the whole church waited to see what the hero would do. Would he swallow his pride and ego and degrade himself for their leader, or let his boyfriend die?

Y/N flushed and looked at Sebastian with such hate as he began to strip his clothes off until he was buck naked for all the Church of Blood and Brother Blood.

"Good boy. Now, come here and bend over my lap." Sebastian ordered.

#titans 2018 #titans season 4 #joseph morgan #Joseph Morgan x male reader #sebastian sanger #Sebastian Sanger x male reader #Brother Blood #Brother Blood x male reader #dick grayson #richard grayson #nightwing #brenton thwaites #Dick Grayson x male reader #Brenton Thwaites x male reader #Nightwing x male reader

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fireheartedpup · 1 month ago

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Made a ventpost about Trump and Christians and, to none of my surprise and much of my chagrin, one of the Christians showed up.

They were, apparently, "unaware" of any of Trump's lies.

Any of them. At all. They were seriously asking.

A sixteen year old proceeded to run laps around them in terms of knowledge by dropping at least five of them in one sentence, and I'm on one tonight so I made a video reply.

Apparently it's "gross" to tell someone that they're part of the problem. They think this means we "can't have a civil discussion."

I didn't want a discussion! I didn't want them there at all! Sorry I can't always hold your hand and walk you through it, but I'm pretty much at the end of my rope right now. I don't have much left.

It's just so interesting how Christians never want to apply Christian principles to themselves unless they think it's an acceptable context.

Jesus is supposed to be the poster child for good behavior, and his response to people like that was to make a whip, drive them out, call them blind idiots ("Fools and blind!"), and (in Revelation) one of the nicest things he had to say about a church that wasn't living up to his standards was that he was about to spit them out of his mouth because they were lukewarm instead of hot or cold.

He told the people in his own religion that they were the problem all the time. I keep my mouth shut a lot of the time because I don't want to further polarize someone on the other side, but why should I bother? It doesn't make a difference. They don't listen. They don't care. They don't even want to know the truth anymore. They don't like it when you fact check.

I've overheard pastors saying that they saw visions or heard directly from God that Trump was going to be president, that he's anointed, etc.

What happened to "You shall know them by their fruit?" What happened to the passage about wolves in sheep's clothing?

It's not even a sheepskin. It's a tattered dollar store mask.

I think we should be focusing a little more about how to dismantle cults, because this goes against everything I thought I was taught--and the same people who taught me are supporting it.

I don't want to live through another Trump presidency. I don't think I'm going to make it.

#politicking #personal #why do I agonize over every fucking word if it's never good enough #it's abuse victim behavior and I've had enough of it

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foxgirltail · 7 days ago

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@isilearusce responding here to not clog up the notes of that post with more unrelated concersations

#The more I learn about mormonity? mormonic? the mormon people/religion/culture #the weirder I find them #how and why did Jesus go to America after reviving and why didn't he spread christianity for the next 1400 years #I understand unknown culture's are strange often enough #like why don't japanese people sleep with their head due north? #because the dead are laid to rest in that way and thus it is bad luck #still weird but ok I understand the reason #but why is soaking not having sex? Just because it's a loophole that wasn't covered in the bible? #donating 10% to the church #why 10% exactly #does someone who struggles to make a living has to donate a 10% and so does a multimillionaire? #obvious answer is to maintain the strength of a community or a cult #like all those intermingled marriages between church members

Ok so I can explain some of these (or rather, the official explanation for them, seems like you understand the real motive for some of them). (Also as for what to call the individual members "mormons" is fine. mormon church and mormon culture also make sense. They technically do not like being called this, but I don't really care)

How and why Jesus went to the Americas after resurrection:

The act of resurrection made jesus like a capital G God, so he could easily travel across the ocean to visit the Americas. The 'why' is a bit more complicated and delves into the racism innate to mormon teachings, but long story short Jesus needed to spread Christianity there. I could get more into this but it would take a while and have to cover a lot of things central to mormonisms whole schtick. I'm sure some anti/ex mormon website has a decent writeup about the plot of the mormon bible, but I haven't gone looking

Why didn't he stay on earth teaching Christianity for 1400 years:

I think that most Christian denominations believe that after his crucifixion, Jesus was resurrected and visited his followers for a time before ascending to heaven. Mormon Jesus's reasons for not staying are likely the same as any other iteration (some combination of "the world is a test and it wouldn't be a good test if you had a cheatsheet" and "he's got other godly duties to attend to")

Soaking:

This is a misconception. There are not any mormon leaders who actually consider soaking to be "not sex". It was likely made up by any of the number of horny young adults attending a university owned and controlled by the mormon church where sexuality is about as repressed as it can get (you can't have someone of "the opposite gender" in your "single sex" dorm room after a certain time of night, someone accusing you of having "same gender" relations can get you expelled, I could go on). It is not hard for me to imagine some student coming up with "soaking doesn't count" either to convince their partner to have sex or to convince a roommate not to narc, and then it spreading from there

10% tithes:

You hit the nail on the head as to the real reason why, the official story for it is from either a bible passage or a mormon bible passage. They also tell their followers that their tithes help keep the lights on and support the development of new buildings as additional motivation. This is another lie as the mormon church is a multibillion dollar organization. It is the second wealthiest religious organization on the planet, only behind the Catholic church. If the mormon church never got another penny (from any source), they could pay their current operating costs and continue development at their current pace for decades

And yes, multimillionaires and people living paycheck to paycheck (or worse) are both expected to pay 10%. In fact part of mormon mythos suggests that it's better for the poor person to pay the full amount than the rich person (it is believed that someone who completely pays their tithing receives nebulous "blessings" that will materially improve their life. If you pay us the money that could have bought you a dinner or two when you're starving, you're more likely to get a better job! This time it'll happen for sure! Just keep paying us forever 😁)

And that about covers those questions. I'd be happy to answer others that people have about odd mormon behavior, but there's a good number that are best answered by "mormonism is a racist and imperialist cult, started by a racist usamerican conman in the 1800s, that has control over an entire US state" and extrapolating from there

#mormonism tw

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spot-the-antisemitism · 4 months ago

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anon again (IT WAS ME POP)

https://www.tumblr.com/spot-the-antisemitism/756918984897708032/urhgghgh-i-know-a-user-whos-getting-pretty?source=share

I think I;m just going to tell you guys who the person is, they honestly are pretty fucked up.

(I tried to tell them on anon ages ago, but I wasn't as well versed as I am now. they are PROBABLY going to find this and get mad at me, so be it I've been through worse. being mentally ill is not a fucking excuse for anything, but an explanation on why you should do better in the future. I've had the same thoughts and was told similar shit I'm fucked in the head too, and you don't see me being actively horrible or death threaten people. there are lines and you crossed them I waited to see if it got better and it didn't, so yeah I'm snitching.)

but it’s just not a freaking excuse, this shit is never an excuse and they should get flack.

I'm probably going to do this in multiple parts fml

yeah I sent the anon, it basically went like

"hey zionism isn't bad, here's some Palestinian blogs I suggest-

(yk some of the popular ones before I knew they were dicks to jewish people and "zionists" forgive me I went through like 7 character arcs this year)

-I don't think Aaron self immolating was good and I think it encourages people to do similar things and as a suicidal person I think thats pretty bad, I think he should have had help. also that he was doing it for pretty antisemitic reasons? and he followed alot of conspiracy theories? and he should have gotten help and not self emulated."

again they went through some horrible abuse at fundie churches, KEEP IT IN MIND.

but yeah I think that anon is Bleh.

that's why the anon I sent was deleted, they answered actually pretty nicely the first time then came back and reblogged it and was like "HOPE YOU FUCK OFF AND DIE GENOCIDE SUPPORTER" yada yada.

I have thick skin, but yeah it wasn't okay.

<3 happiest "genocide apologist" around <3

(yeah guys forgive me I still believed most of the popular Palestine bloggers were normal about people, they weren't :P)

again, I'm suicidal.

I've almost fallen for TOO MANY acceleratist death cult shit, just in general.

I am motherfucking disabled both physically and developmentally, as well as mentally ill.

(I will bitch and moan about it til the day I fucking die)

I have as much of a right as them to talk about it "oh your being ableist" for fucks sake your telling me the guy who has consoled my friends, mentally ill kids, and more that I'M? not a mental health ally and that I'm a saneist fuck?

thanks but no thanks, I don't think anyone should kill themselves needlessly.

there's like 2 more posts these ones

https://www.tumblr.com/impunkster-syndrome/739038334941265920/self-admitted-zionists-everyone-eat-shit-and-fuck?source=share

https://www.tumblr.com/impunkster-syndrome/744575996443885568/thank-you-for-exposing-that-one-blog-as-zionists?source=share

I don't have enough space to include screenshots and I will get blocked after I post this ask probably.

anyway, I can't stop them from doing this and they have already harassed some Israelis

so BLOCKLIST THEY GO

I want to help them change but they aren't that type of person.

anyway, love you all sorry for the horrors.

-pop

Should have ditched them earlier honestly

they used to a literal nazi?

like Pop my friend that's a red flag no.

I don't trust former nazis not to revert to their ways these days

love

Cecil

#leftist antisemitism #antisemitism #leftist brainrot #leftist hypocrisy #tankie punks fuck off #blocklist #harassment #unhinged #tw bushnell #tw nazis

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the-crow-binary · 1 year ago

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Im quite curious about your opinion on the portrayal of the french revolution; I know it was a super complicated political moment with multiple fronts from the commoners wanting better life conditions, the bourgeoisie wanting to get the nobility out of the way (which it's part as to why it cant be directly translated into 21'st century american capitalism analogy 🙄), how multiple nobles supported the revolution for moral values despite going against their families interests (bc social class influences but doesnt instantly determines your morals) and that many revolutionary groups supported the independence of Haití (heck, many members of my countries independence participated and almost got beheaded in the resulting mess. And ad hundred and something years later France would try to invade us lol). What im trying to say behind my ramble here (sorry for that lol) its that im sure nfcv made it a slavery bad black ppl vs white ppl american dilemma without getting into the complexity of it and i say this as a foreigner with basic history knowledge, so i do wanna see your take on it

Which portrayal of the French Revolution? 🙃

I swear this very important Historical event that affected not just France but all of continental Europe and is considered as one of the world's biggest events was just used as background for the characters to fight and be racist. The characters keep throwing around the word "revolution" from all sides, but we don't see shit. Maria gives context in the first episode (there's a revolution, they overthrown the monarchy and declared a republic, they arrested the king...), talking to a group of revolutionaries, and from then on the story could've literally taken place in an imaginary country with imaginary politics it would've been the same.

Oh, what am I saying, there IS one thing. Our motto. 🙃"Liberty, equality, fraternity" 🙃 Yeah it has been thrown here and there... Except that it wasn't our official motto yet. We had the notion of liberty and equality, sometimes fraternity, and it was in the middle of other words such as "friendship", "sincerity", "charity" and "union". There is some people and even some books who used this motto but it was abandoned then taken back later... Just this is a mess lmao but the point is. I cringed everytime the characters screamed "Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!". And while we're on the subject, Richter, at some point, meets three girls during a festival (I suspect one of the girls to be Marianne, who wasn't a real person but the symbol of Liberty) talking about dressing up as Liberty and Equality and Fraternity. And Richter, thinking he is so smart, say that you need to be a man to dress up as Fraternity, because it means "brotherhood" (and the girls go "sisternity then" and don't correct him). Oh, and the writers clearly thought it was very clever too, since later on Annette's teacher (and even the Messiah I think??) will ALSO talk about the motto, saying "liberty, equality, brotherhood". IT DOESN'T MEAN "BROTHERHOOD". I MEAN IT CAN. BUT IN THIS CASE IT MEANS "FRATERNITY". IT'S A TERM TO TALK ABOUT A BOND EXISTING BETWEEN PEOPLE CONSIDERED AS MEMBERS OF THE HUMAN FAMILY. AKA IT CONCERNS EVERYONE. YOU ARE NOT CLEVER, AMERICAN WRITERS.

Also I thought a fucking festival at a time like that where people dress up at the concepts of our not-exactly-official-motto-yet was stupid, and it is. There was no such festival, however, we did have the "cult of the reason". To put it simply: it was a serie of events and civic holidays wich were organized by a group of atheists. In it there WAS an event called "Fete of the Reason"... Where one ACTOR dressed up as Liberty. It was NOT multiple people representing liberty, equality or fraternity.

The fun fact is, the French Revolution was a pretty good occasion for NFCV to promote it's CHURCH BAD mentality. We were taking away the church's power, more people became atheists, anti-christian vandalism and blasphemy was actually encouraged, it was a mess. Paris even ordered to shut down churches at some point, wich did not happen in the end. So yeah, this precise moment, right before the Vendée War, was perfect for the church-haters those writers are. And it ended up just being as bad as the original show, without any nuance... Ok there might be a little bit of nuance because of Mizrak, a guy who served the church and in the end actually team up with Richter and the gang, and it looks like he's there to stay. Emmanuel (the abbott) tries to be complex, but in the end, he is still a God-obsessed man that makes terrible decisions and is not a good representation for the church. So okay, it might be a BIT better than the original show thanks to Mizrak, but it's not saying much.

Another thing. Only the main characters are shown to have a dislike for the church. We don't see ANY of the french people doing anything against the church (but we do hear the church complaining about the revolutionaries, tell don't show y'know), not even talk about it. It's mostly jokes about how haha priests are sexual predators/they can't keep it in their pants (with the occasional "it exploits the people and take their money" line, and by occasionnal I mean once). There IS a few shades thrown at God here and there, honestly I didn't bother remembering the exact lines because they are so cliché and really not that deep. I think Maria is the one complaining the most.

What angers me the most is the lack of ANY ACTION FROM THE FRENCH PEOPLE. It's like nothing is actually happening except vampire killing people and vampire hunting (wich begs the question: WHY bother making it happen during the FRENCH REVOLUTION?). Nocturne literally made the french people the side (oh what am I saying, the BACKGROUND) characters in their OWN REVOLUTION. AND ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS. WHAT THE FUCK. Maria is supposed to be a revolutionary leader but she doesn't lead anyone. We never see anyone do anything outside of the main characters. The french are literal planks, except from those three girls from the festival and villains, they don't even have a voice. At some point the vampire Messiah arrives in town, in plain view, and people are like "OUR SAVIOR IS HERE! OUR DELIVERER!" and I thought the people shouting were vampires, but no, there is humans TOO. ALL TOGETHER. And you have no idea how much I hate that they basically portray the french people as not doing shit and needing someone else to save them 🙃 To do things for them 🙃 And also. That that someone else is not even french themself. 🙃 Even without the Messiah... the revolutionaries we saw were led by Richter (romanian/american/british idk at this point), Annette (Haitian, even if Saint-Domingue was owned by France at the time), Tera (Russian) and, of course, Maria, who's both Russian and French, at least. Those four were doing most of the work while the french people were in their houses cooking baguettes, I guess. And by "work" I mean fighting vampires and night creatures, there was nothing done about the Revolution. Almost like there is NO REASON TO MAKE A CV SHOW ABOUT THE FRENCH REVOLUTION

Oh and I just HAVE to talk to you about Saint-Domingue, and the BLACK PEOPLE ARE OPPRESSED theme going on with Annette. And that's when I'll have to take out this magnificent dialogue again:

"Even these french with their high ideas, what do they know about we've suffered? And what do they care? They're building new world, but it won't be freedom, or equality or brotherhood for US"

This is said by Annette's teacher. Worth to note that before that, in episode 3, she also shat on the French revolution and our motto. Basically, the show portray the French Revolution as being one thing and the slaves in Saint-Domingue having their own other revolution. And not just that, it implies that the French did not care about slaves, and that they do not know what suffering is (yeah, people just start revolutions because they feel like it y'know 🙃). And the anti-white dialogues are portrayed as normal and are even applauded, btw. And it is BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT. MY FUCKING GOD. OH THIS SHOW MAKE ME SO ANGRY.

First off: Only the colonies were pro-slavery. The french pretty much weren't. A "Society of friends of black people" was even created in France in 1788 to fight for the abolition of slavery. People fought for black people's rights during the French Revolution. Books written by black people to join the fight came out. The French Revolution scared the colonies who were very against losing their slaves and it led to Haiti's own revolution (slaves rebelling, killing their owners, burning the plantations... Nocturne at least got that part right). So both revolutions are very closely linked and the slaves might not have rebelled at this point if it wasn't for the French Revolution threatening Saint-Domingue's economics and creating social upheavals.

And what does those shitty american writers remember? BLACK PEOPLE OPPRESSED. BLACK PEOPLE SUFFERED SO MUCH MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. LOOK AT THESE POOR BLACK PEOPLE. WHITE PEOPLE ARE SO POWERFUL. THE FRENCH ARE UNGRATEFUL ACTUALLY. BLACK CHARACTER IS RIGHT TO SHIT ON THE WHITE FRENCH WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT THEM.

FUCK.

Oh, and I mentioned the Vendée War earlier... So, fun fact, during the revolution, we have what we call "la Terreur". It's a pretty gruesome period of time during the Revolution that caused the death of hundreds of thousands of people. La Terreur happened from 1793 to 1794. So one year after this first season of Nocturne. 🙃 I'm just saying. It wouldn't surprise me if they used this for season 2. 🙃(I literally do not trust them)

And the vampires... Look the vampires have their own can of worms that I'm not motivated enough to open. I'll just say that, of course, in classic NFCV fashion, the message the show is trying to pass is not subtle at all. They're just evil. All of them. All of the french nobles. Evil evil EVIL EVIL!! NUANCE AND COMPLEXITY ARE FOR PUSSIES.

Also the count of Vaublanc? Annette's ex-owner? This guy existed. And he never owned slaves. He was pretty pro-royalty, at some point he voted against slavery, then later voted in favor of it... but he did not own slaves. But honestly I don't care about that guy much, I just wanted to show that NFCV really doesn't care about nuance. Everything has to be black or white (lol) and that's why we have no human nobility in Nocturne.

Urgh. UUUUUURGH. I SWEAR WATCHING THIS SHOW WAS A PAIN AND THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT THE MORE PAINFUL IT BECOMES. THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THE FRENCH REVOLUTION AND NFCV IS DOING JACKSHIT WITH IT. I MEAN IT'S SO MUCH FUNNIER TO SHIT ON THE BELMONT CLAN AND SHOW TIDDIES TO MAKE THE FANS HORNY.

So, my opinion on the portrayal of the French Revolution: CREATE YOUR OWN FICTIONAL REVOLUTION NEXT TIME AND LEAVE THE HISTORY OF MY COUNTRY ALONE.

#i'm sorry this show just makes me so ANGRY #FOR SO MANY REASONS #i bet i could find more things to say but i really wanna stop thinking about this shit for now #castlevania nocturne #anti netflixvania

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pixies-and-poets · 1 year ago

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https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPzjsNO6Ud/?igshid=NjIwNzIyMDk2Mg==

I'm sorry if this message seems odd, but there's a secret message in this post that you might be exited by! (Just ask me if you can't figure it out or don't want too.) Again, sorry if this ask is weird!

NO, NO, IT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL

I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS BECAUSE I HAD *THE DREAM* LAST NIGHT AND I WAS JUST SITTING DOWN TO POST ABOUT IT..... I guess I'll do it in this ask then!

OK SO WHAT I MEAN BY "THE DREAM" is the prophetic Phantom dream that all of us M+R fans seem to be having, in our own ways. It finally happened to me!

So I dreamed I was on vacation with my parents and brother, like the one I just came back from, except this time we were in this weird steampunk version of New York City. There was a lot regarding that I could talk about, but the important part for our purposes is that Ubisoft randomly dropped the third DLC out of nowhere the day I was going to leave, so I decided to take the Switch even though I don't normally take it on trips.

I didn't have much chance to play it because I wasn't able to download it until I got to my destination, and then I was trying to grab little moments here and there when we were on public transportation, or in our hotel. So my dream was jumping back and forth between the steampunk New York scenes and the game.

As for the game, the heroes had landed on this planet that I could best describe as looking like Palette Prime in the spring (similar vibes but a lot more green), and I think my brain forgot this was supposed to be a Rayman thing lol because all the Mario characters were there. When they got there, they found there was a strange cult and everyone was talking about their "new leader" and how some people respected him but others were afraid.

Then cut to a scene of Phantom spying on the heroes! He was in some kind of abandoned church or temple, looking out an ornate window, and he also had some kind of little underling with him. He was infuriated that the heroes had arrived there and he flew threw a wall.

The rest of my experience with the game was mostly just exploring, except Phantom would send up menacing faces/images into the sky to scare the Heroes (like translucent holograms/illusions), but they were just generic scary faces (not his own) so they hadn't figured out who it was yet.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm sure this whole cult thing came from @hostess-of-horror comparing Phantom to Cthulhu with him invading our dreams and us trrying to summon him, lol.

I was super happy but I had vowed not to get on the internet until I beat the DLC so nothing would be spoiled for me, but I just knew everyone would be happy. And when I woke up, it all seemed so real that I said, "He's coming back for sure!" But throughout the past few hours, that wore off and I came back to my realistic and grounded self who never gets her hopes up!

And THEN as I sit down to type up the dream and share it with you all, I see this ask!

What a day!

(Btw I pre-ordered this album a while back lol so I will get it eventually!! And we have the old tech to listen to it on because my partner is a vintage stuff enthusiast)

Ahem but anyway

THEY'RE JUST FUCKING TELLING US NOW

FLKASJFLKASJDFLKA GAAAAAAAAARHGHLAKDSHF ALKDSJFLDJSLKFJLKSJ

We were RIGHT this time, friends. The theories, the foreshadowing, the attention that we paid, it will be rewarded!!!

Ok now I have to go back to my job... somehow......... I'm expected to work......

#mario rpgs #mario plus rabbids #mario + rabbids #alter answers #the phantom of the bwahpera

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voidwritesstuff · 4 months ago

Text

The Stars have names.

(Part 1) A/N: this is a proof of concept for an original series of mine.Originally it was going to be a youtube series, but after writing this im not sure if thats the format i want to go with. Anyway,ill post this here and be done with breaking the immersion (if everything goes well, I'll post the other parts) Cw:abusive household, abusive parents, cults,body horror,religious imagery and pregnancy imagery.

>reblogs appreciated and encouraged.

I don't know if posting this here is a good idea, but I've realized I'm only putting people in more danger if I keep this to myself. My name isn't important,I know I’ll join them eventually, and by then I will have lost my sense of self. But let's get the main bits of information on the table. I’ve known my friend Orion for most of my life, he is originally from the town of Cometa, to this day he’s never told me where this town is,but I get the feeling I'll find out soon enough.

That should've been the first red flag. One I never recognized until recently.

The second red flag was a little more subtle. He's always been enthusiastic about sharing his knowledge of space,it was his special interest and I always listened because I wanted to be a good friend. It was the way he spoke about it though,there was a casual, almost personal tone to the way he talked about stars, but especially about the planets.

“I know you’ll think it's silly, but they have real names. Not the ones we gave them, Venus,mars,saturn…It's hard to explain,My mom’s better at it but she isn't allowed to talk about it”

When I asked why she wasn't allowed to talk about it, Orion would shrug and say it was “grown up stuff” and he stopped mentioning it as we grew older.I didn't notice it when we were teenagers, I thought he had “grown out” of it somehow.

How wrong i was. How so very wrong I was.

I was supposed to go to Cometa town next summer, Orion was spending the holidays with me and my family, and before he left he had given me one of many manuscripts from the church his town has. I told him I wasn't interested in religion,but he begged me to read them, and I wanted to be a good friend- He's heard me ramble about every single character I found hot many times throughout our friendship,so I figured I could give in and read it.

After all, it's just religious text, isn't it? I remember sitting down one morning,we were snowed in and the sky was dark- I’ve never seen clouds so thick… And yet somehow one single ray of sunlight spilt into my room. It was unusually warm when I extended my hand towards it, and just as I was about to begin reading the lights went out.

Didn't think too much of it, it snowed like crazy, so there I went to sit on the sunny spot in my room for some proper light. The shadows seemed so much darker then, but I just took it as my eyes getting used to the ridiculous amount of light I was being exposed to.

Isn't it crazy how much we deny odd things that happen to us? The text started as any religious text often does,with a long shpeel of poetic words, but then it turned into a journal. There are no dates, so god only knows when this happened-But it does seem quite modern for…Well you’ll see. I’ve also gone and added numbers to each part, it was hard when I first read it- and hey if you're going to go down a spiral of madness then at least I'll leave some road signs,I'm on my way out anyway. Consider this red flag number three, and your one and only warning to stop.

“

Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

Tale of Mother Sun.

The stars have names

Not ones that mortals can utter.

Not in any language that you may speak or invent.

For these gods,us your makers, speak in tongues of divine creation,

destruction, light and darkness, that which lies beyond your minds

Broken from the ties of the planets that birthed us.

You behold my light,the one of your mother.

Of the supernova that gave birth to humans.And may the Harvester, though forgotten in time,

come to reap your souls.

Only then shall you know the names of your gods.

It may not look like it

But we have a plan for you.

[Entry 1] I had that dream again. I was floating in darkness for hours,days,millenia…There was nothing around me- I knew there wasn't anything for miles and miles. And then…light. Blinding light,searing heat that oddly enough didn't hurt my skin.

I could only see things zooming past me, I could feel eons going by in the blink of an eye.

The darkness wasn't empty anymore,there were thousands upon thousands of little lights.I realized then, i was in space. But I didn't feel cold, I didn't lack oxygen.

In a way, i breathed with the universe. I could feel the pulse of supernovas, of black holes eating and eating the darkness and turning it into,or taking it into, something I couldn't comprehend or fathom to.

Frozen in time, I couldn't move back or forth, to and fro, I simply floated and watched the existence around me begin to circle me.

Yet it wasnt me,not me specifically. I turned to look behind me, because before me there was nothing- Like a sunflower bending to the light above.

And i woke up.

The therapist said moving would help,that Cometa Town was perfect for someone like me. I want to trust Dawn’s word, she lived there most of her life before moving to Argentina. I guess she outgrew that town,i can relate to that

Dawn had also said that these dreams meant that I was too stressed, feeling like the world was coming undone around me. And she wasn't wrong, after that fight with my dad i couldn't stand being around him. Piece of shit.I don't understand why my mom still thinks I should make up with him. I don't understand how she can still forgive him even after everything, he threw eggs at our door,he had threatened to beat up his parents,my grandparents, and back when they were still together he would argue with her until she couldn't stomach it anymore and puke.

I don't want to end up like her, compelled to forgive and live beside someone who has sucked away all life from me just because I seek acceptance.

Mom promised that Cometa town is nice,and i trust her word,or i try to- But i know she wouldn't’ve moved so far away,countries away, if this town did not speak spanish,she never puts in the effort to do something difficult.

Lord knows there are days where she makes me feel like a burden,every time i talk to her it feels like she’s ignoring me. All the praise I get usually are just one worded responses,an adjective she throws at me without looking up from her phone…

And as much as I try to hate her,I can't. In a way she’s still my mother, I spent months in her stomach,growing. It makes me wonder if I had not been born a month before I was supposed to,would she pay attention to me? Of course it’s a silly claim,but almost after twenty years of being left aside, I’m starting to grasp at straws.

I guess Dawn was right,I need to get some fresh air-I doubt i’ll get a break anyway, i still don't have enough money to move away. Still, here I go. Goodbye Argentina,Hello Cometa.

[Entry 2]

I fell asleep on the plane,no dreams, only peaceful rest… But I have to admit that it felt odd,like a part of me was missing. I felt so cold when I woke up,I usually feel cozy. Maybe it's just the AC of the plane…

Either way,I called dibs on the seat next to the window. I can see the clouds. It gives me vertigo, but in a fun way-Like I could be flying through the clouds like i was the sun… That image gave me peace, hope. It makes me excited to get to my new home,hang up all my posters and paraphernalia.

I may even find a group of people to play D&D with on the weekends…

Maybe this extreme move is going to help.

[Entry 3] Cometa town is so pretty, gardens and gardens of flowers,there are parks with weekly fairs! It's good to know mom will have a place to sell her clothes, and I won't go hungry. I understand now why the therapist recommended this place- Aside from having a university of arts (with a career in film, How lucky!) And it has a cool name too: “Cosmos University of the Arts”.

i will miss Dawn though- maybe i can find a replacement here? I don't know if it'll be the same…fingers crossed? Oh! and The sunset here was just as beautiful too, i can actually see the stars here. I begged my mom to eat dinner outside by the sunflower garden we have and she accepted. No TV,no background sound,just me and her…it's nice.

It would be nicer if she didn't call me by my deadname,though. I’ve told her plenty of times I go by Nova now, but hey- she still doesn't believe im bi,let alone accept I change my pronouns often, so maybe i'm just asking her for the wrong things.

But a new home,a new place, the same old sky… Maybe I should keep that in mind instead.

[Entry 4] Well, the dream came back.

But it's longer now, different.

I saw that same darkness, that same explosion of light, but now when I turned I saw the sun (I expected it,it's the only thing that made sense). I expected the light to burn my eyes, but it didn't. Dream logic? I don't know.

Aside from actually being able to see what's behind me,I noticed something there, growing. Like a seed, looking for something,writhing. The sun was only a shell for whatever was growing in there. Yknow what it reminded me of? A baby, growing in the womb of her mother,kicking and feeling out the warm home she finds herself in. There was no better place for her, I was sure of it, I could almost picture what she looked like.

Body made of divine light, elegant hands that have the opportunity to create,to destroy, I dare say even…artistic. The art of bringing beautiful things to life, the willpower to destroy the imperfections,the mistakes, even if it means throwing out a whole art piece and start from scratch

She's adorned with pure gold that glimmers like endless stars, clothes made of the softest fabrics the world could offer.

Yet..i couldn't see her face, it was either hidden from view or just consuming my whole range of sight.

massive, she was massive, and i was about the size of a vein.

I saw her,whatever she was, take me in her hands and lay me to rest on her chest. I beat her heartbeat, I ate of her blood…it gave me such a rush. I felt..unstoppable, I felt myself breaking out of the shell I forced myself into just so I wouldn't get into trouble,that I would not be hit with my mother’s glare of disappointment that I don't fit her standards for “Being born a woman”.

When I woke up I felt…dizzy, I felt something churning in my stomach,my forehead felt too warm and it throbbed in a way that made me light headed,the sunlight that was falling on my face had this sparkle to it.

Mom came over to ask me if I was alright,it was probably around mid-day when I woke up,which meant that lunch would be done soon and that she was waiting for me. I told her I felt ill and I wondered what had I eaten the night before for me to feel like my body was organizing a mutiny against me. And then I turned to my nightstand, saw my sketchbook opened and stained with chocolate from the wrapper I had tossed on it carelessly the night before.

. . . I need to stop eating sweets before going to bed.

[entry 5]

The dream’s been on my mind as of late, so I've tried to push it to the side by signing up for Cometa town’s university. I thought the bureaucracy was going to be endless,thankfully it wasn't- It was quite easy honestly, just asked for my personal data like name,birth date, ID and the like, it even had a “Preferred name” box i could fill up- It made me happy to know i wouldn't have to use my deadname.

Aside from that I've tried to distract myself by walking around the town, it has a very low crime rate so my mom’s not worried about letting me wander off. It's a nice change from the constant fear of being robbed i had back in Argentina, doesn't mean I don't miss my home though. I miss it terribly,but there's not much I can do but to wait for winter break to visit them again (well,it's winter break for the town- back home it's a ripe,ripe summer. I'll be cooking my ass off while the town lives it up in the snow,lucky)

But back to the walk i took, i wrote down a few places i’d like to visit next time The mall (obviously, it has a bunch of stores,fast food restaurants and even an observatory- I’d say it's a weird addition to the mall but i don't complain, i really like seeing the stars), Also the parks it has to offer, the town center and the one thing that caught my attention the most was this church- I wouldn't know the exact architecture style, but its grand,well decorated and so,so tall and old. I think I saw a telescope peeking out from one of the windows in the main tower.

Hopefully I can visit it soon? Maybe tomorrow will be fun.

[entry 6] After lunch I went to the church, the place was mostly empty (i figured, i mean i did go right after i finished eating lunch) and honestly it made it all the more personal. Hell,even the priest wasn't there roaming around and doing whatever priests do.

But I did meet someone there, they had male features, a chiseled face, olive eyes and pretty reddish brown skin. They were dressed in goth clothes (and fashionably so) so it didn't surprise me to see them at the church.

And in my ogling I noticed their jacket was packed full of patches, I could see the one on the right side of his arm, it read “Still a planet” With an embroidered image of Pluto. I couldn't help but snicker at it They introduced themself as Callum,they looked at me like I was some sort of long lost friend and asked me if I was new around town. I told them that I was and that I had moved in just a few days ago. I could notice the slight hispanic accent in their voice and I asked them if they spoke any Spanish, they said yes and we got to talking in my mother tongue.

It made me happy to know they liked my vest, I couldn't help but think that a punk and a goth went hand in hand. Both appeal to the darker side of the world, for them it was the macabre,the things that go bump in the night. And for me, it was all about how the system was always against you,how the world seems to orchestrate in a way that no matter what you do, you’ll always be on the wrong side of things. Damned if you do,damned if you don’t.

Callum was fun to talk to,I appreciated that since I haven't been able to meet my neighbors yet. I mean I just got here,but I wish I had someone else to talk to that isn’t my mom or includes me sending a text to my friends back in Argentina.

Here's one of the conversations I had with my new “Acquaintance” (translated from english to spanish to keep my privacy. wouldn't be surprised if i left it open some day and my mom reads it out of curiosity):

“So..Why visit the church of all places?” they had asked me as we entered the large cathedral

“Well just getting to see the town really, but i saw it and i knew i had to enter and at least take a peek- I like making art, and i was hoping to draw some of the things around the place” “You make art? that's cool” They smiled with this child-like excitement “I make murals, i go to the university here” “Dude no way,I signed up for the studies in film career!”

“Then we’ll see each other more often, that's good” We introduced each other properly then, they told me about their family and I told them why i moved away- I skipped a few details because i couldn't exactly just drop the fact that i had to move because my father was a manipulative piece of shit.

When we got to the altar section, I hadn't noticed until then that the Vitraux behind the pedestal were not of God or Jesus, instead they were of these massive beings of cosmic light.

And right in front of me was her.

Being of divine light, hands extended towards me, holding the world in their palms, her face got lost in the bright burst of light portrayed on the glass. Shades of red,orange and yellow spilled across my face and in my half blinded state I could swear I saw bright eyes staring back at me. It made me jump back out of reflex, i blinked the light away and turned to see if Callum had seen me embarrass myself like that-

But they weren't.

They were staring at another vitraux, a being of pure darkness and ice, candles of blue flame serving as shoulder pieces with their melted wax with gold jewelry over its shroud. And in the center of their chest,like a ribcage, stood the alchemical symbol for Pluto. Underneath it was a simple plaque that read “The Harvester” It gave me the idea to see the plaque beside it, “Father moon”. Above it stood a vitraux of a male figure with a shawl of stars, a crown of night and time on his bursting face of moonlight. He was holding his hands close to his chest where the alchemical symbol for the moon stood carved in pale gray as he grasped an old sun clock.

Out of curiosity I looked back at the one in front of me, I could still see The Harvester and Father Moon in the corner of my left eye. The plaque underneath the divine lady of sunlight read “Mother Sun”

“You’ve seen ‘em too?” Callum asked out of nowhere, I jumped from my spot as if I was broken from a trance. They looked at me with what seemed like fear and utter dread.

“Excuse you?” They pointed at the vitraux i was looking at “Her,You've seen her” With how they looked at me, i knew lying wouldn't do me any good “Yeah” I Had replied with a slight tremble in my voice “I have” My eyes couldn't meet theirs, I was too ashamed and startled. In my avoidance I noticed that Callum’s jacket had an embroidered patch of Mictecacihuatl, the lady of the dead in Aztec mythology.

“How?” they asked,sounding adamant that they get an answer.

“dreams, you?” something in me pushed me to answer,even if i felt like their question was a little too weird and out of pocket “same”

I blinked at the sordid nature of it. How could I dream of something that I have never seen before? But before I could question that bitch of an existential crisis,We heard shuffling steps from behind us, we turned to see a priest- Old,old man with a wrinkled face, dark black eyes that gleamed with..satisfaction? “May I help you with something?” The old man asked, His voice raspy and with a warmth that felt too unnatural- Like he's trying to overcompensate. I raised my brows in surprise,his voice sounding so familiar, like I heard it in a distant dream.

“No” Callum sounded harsh, they took my bicep and began tugging me along out of the Church,but before they left my sight i read the two other plaques beside Mother sun: “Sister star” and “The Oracle” They didn't speak a word until we were well away from the church, they sat me down at a bench and looked at me like somebody had died.

“I thought there was enough of us already” They whispered, afraid that the trees would grow ears and listen “What?” “There's 3 more others just like you, like us.-Probably more” “Callum, you're not making any sense” “Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names”[entry 7] I came back home late after that, Callum insisted on walking me home and we did so in silence. It felt uncomfortable, like the lack of literally any spoken word was digging under my skin and getting into my bone marrow,expanding it uncomfortably.

Before our weird ass conversation,I actually got along with Callum, like i’ve known them all my life or even well before that…It was odd but..comforting.They’re the first friend i've made since moving here.

They bid me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, I didn't think too much of it since it's a common way to greet each other back in Argentina- Us latinos are a mixed bag of customs after all.

As soon as I stepped in, My mom was up in arms about where I had been. She was cooking as she yelled at me for being out so late, I told her she needed to calm down and I reminded her about how Cometa town had almost no crime rate.

She glared at me and told me i was just as irresponsible as my father, it made me so angry, it scorched me that she would compare me to my dad, only to turn around and tell me i should make peace with him- She still somehow believed that it was my fault that i fought with him, and not that he looked at me in the eye and said “You're the worst daughter a father could ask for”. It was a petty argument, i don't remember what we were fighting about anymore, In that moment,rage blinded me and I just wanted her to hurt, and before I could wallow my rage,she yelped and jumped away from the oven.She had burnt herself with the flame of the stove.

After that i went to my room, i was so mad and so,so tired. I am exhausted from having to dance on the edge of being a golden child and a scapegoat martyr. I would never be enough for her, and that was starting to dawn on me.

I get that she was worried,that she feared something happened to me- But there are better ways to say so. It makes me sad she never seems to treat me like an actual human.

[Entry 8] I fell asleep as soon as I went to bed.I had consciously forgotten about Callum’s explanation, but a part of me didn't.

As i drifted endlessly on the edge of sleep, i remembered everything my new “Friend” had told me

“ Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names. Not the ones we gave them,Venus,Saturn,pluto. None of that bullshit. They are gods, born from the planets we know, they're only shells of shattered womb,they have no life in them.” “But there's life on earth” I had said “Because they needed a place for their servants to live. Thats us” “And why should I trust your words?” Callum seemed a little amused at my flabbergasted expression

They scoffed before continuing to talk “The whole town is in on it. They are a cult,im sure of it” “How do you even know this stuff?” “I moved here three years ago, my family and I had been practically chased off from our home in Mexico. The bosses of my parents had fired them, I suddenly became the worst student in my school and got kicked out. My buddy Byeol and Archie had been offered a scholarship to the university of this town- This very public university. A scholarship.” they made a pause to steady themself, it felt like they were just word vomiting right now. “Did nothing weird happen to you before you came here?” They continued with a slight anger to them, not directed at me but at whatever was supposedly tugging the strings of this weird cultish plot. “Nothing that feels too much like a coincidence?” I remembered how Dawn had been raised here, how she said the homes here were really cheap,especially to immigrants.Something about a benefit from the state. At the time I doubted it, this country is as capitalist as it gets-Not to mention its clear distaste for non natives. But then we checked and it was an actual thing,so I didn't think too much of it since I just figured my biases had gotten the better of me.

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“I know this because I saw it. In my dreams” They raised a finger before I could manage to retort “Let me ask you this, have you heard of any of the gods we saw at the church?” “No,but it could be a niche religion” “Okay then,what about your dreams?” Truth is I was ready to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon,Too soon? maybe. But my mind was looking for a reason to doubt all these good things in my life, a part of me wouldn’t let me accept the nice things that came to me. There is a reason I go to therapy after all.

“see?” Callum added,taking my silence as the answer they needed. “Why would you tell me this?” “Because you're the missing piece. I told you there’s more of us, my friends all had dreams with the gods we saw back there”They answered “I could see you were staring at Mother Sun, so that must be who you see in your dreams, am i mistaken?”I shook my head. “I don't know what they're planning”they continued,sure there was something else unraveling, “i don't know why they want us but it can't be good. This town is too perfect, it makes me sick. Nothing good can come from this,i can just feel it”

I sat there in silence and looked at the floor. I didn't know if I could believe them.A cult? really? And why was I the missing piece? “Then why don’t you leave” “We have nowhere to go, all the times I’ve tried to convince my family to get out something big like a promotion would happen and suddenly my word wasn’t enough”

My heart sank to my feet. ‘No matter what you do, the game is always rigged ’ I thought. “And you haven’t told them about all this?” “I did, but they say that it’s just a product of how our leave from Mexico unfolded”

They say that when you wear rose colored glasses,all red flags are just..flags. Me included, I felt like their whole speech just now was the ramblings of a madman. But they had just enough credibility to them that it made it hard for me to fully reject it.

I sat there in silence for a while,processing everything I had been told. I don’t know if Callum was staring at me,I completely zoned out for a few good minutes. All I could see was that goddess,I could feel her tugging at me somehow,she was eager. A sigh made me snap out of my thoughts, I looked up to see my companion’s face and for a moment I swear they looked incredibly gaunt “Sorry,I know it's a lot to dump on you” they had said with a soft voice and a meek look in their eyes.

“thats the understatement of the fucking century” They scoffed and offered to walk me home as compensation for the wild ride. They also gave me their phone number just in case.

And truth be told I was ready to leave it all behind and make a mental note to never talk to Callum again.

But then I had to fall asleep.

I found myself in the dark expanse again, I knew the drill of creation and destruction, worlds coming and going,and when I stood before the planets spinning around me, I started to notice something. Each planet had a massive crack in the middle, they were creaking and groaning with pain. I could hear their labored breathing as whatever was crawling out of them began to split their shells apart. Like tearing open the placenta that held them. The celestial bodies that house them scream in pain and agony, a horrible choir of death as beings of immense scale rise before me.That same man made of moonlight and time rose from the smallest natural satellite, he was the first one…

I saw him and the sun behind me dance in eternal bliss, with each step I could feel the ripples of space bending, breaking what remained of the planets that only followed the orbit of the giant,divine woman. Though I could never see their faces, there was no face to see.

Or perhaps I was afraid of what I would behold if I stared at the sun for too long.

Mother Sun looked down upon me and I turned away. I could feel her burn a hole through my skull, only stopping when Venus splits open with a screeching choir,birthing a woman with the face of pure starlight, grand insectoid wings that flutter curiously. Then Neptune cracks open with a tidal wave, allowing a large female figure to slither out of it. She had past and future in her eyes- were those her eyes? her face was a gossamer shine that reflected fractals and fractals of what could be or had been.

And long forgotten in time, Pluto is the last one to be born. Cold in the endless vacuum, creaking of bone against bone, feeding from the corpse of his mother, A shrouded figure stood impossibly tall, curling into itself.

More were missing, I Knew that-She knew that.

But I couldn't see the other planets from just how bright she shone in the black void.

Unwilling to look at her, I tried my best to fight her. I wouldn't let her burn my eyes, I don't want to face whatever turned its wretched gaze upon me. I would rather be disintegrated into ash, because when she forced my head to snap to her, using her massive hand to twist me like a doll, I saw my face in her shine.

I woke up screaming,tears falling down my cheeks before I managed to be conscious enough to let them flow. [Entry 9] My mom ran into my room,asking me if I was okay. I told her I had a nightmare, and that I'd be fine. I never talked about my dreams,so she wasn't surprised I didn't want to talk about it. She hung out with me in the kitchen as I made myself some tea. I didn't have the strength to look at her bandaged arm,did I cause that? When she saw me a lot calmer, she returned to sleep. And I decided I had to talk with Callum about all this.

Before I knew it, I was sneaking out of the house and embarking on a midnight adventure with a person I just met, to talk about eldritch beings and horrors. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

They took me to a restaurant. “Nebula Dinner”,read the perfect, 50s style neon sign. By this point it's like the town wasn't even bothering to hide it…

“So..”They began once we sat down in the booth placed on one of the corners of the establishment “Do you believe me now?” I snarled at how smug they sounded “Yes” “Good,because it's only going to get worse”

“jeez, how sunny” They shrugged and put their forearms on the table,leaning in a little and using them as support “Tell me about the dream”. And tell them I did, I spared no detail, and it felt oddly nice to be able to share this with somebody other than my therapist. They listened attentively and even went so far as to hold my hand when I began tearing up again. “..why? why us?” I had asked with what little voice I had in me.

“Your guess is as good as mine”They replied, trying to sound nonchalant about it,but I could tell that in a sense, this was like reliving his own trauma. “Look, My dreams started a few months before I moved to Cometa, same with Archie,Byeol and Sammira. Tell me if that's not a cosmic coincidence” I flinched at the word “cosmic” and they apologized.

To my credit, I did try to process everything I had heard. And I failed miserably at it. My brain ran itself in circles trying to reconcile with the idea that gods existed, and that for some damn reason I was suddenly chosen by one of them.

I still couldn't shake off that feeling, like i was breathing alongside somebody, my head buzzed and i still felt like my brain felt like it was being pushed into two different directions. The images are so clear even when it had been just a few hours since I woke up.

A sigh left me as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes,I could have used some more rest-But the thought of having to face that thing again terrified me. “I like god do not play with dice” I quoted, hoping that one of my many vocal stims cheered me up. “And i do not believe in coincidence” They had finished, smiling at me “V for Vendetta”

“You know it?It's a bit old” “I have the compilation of the whole series back in my house,” They answered, clearly enthusiastic about it. “Hey,let me get you something to eat, my treat- We shouldn't be thinking about this without food in our stomachs” “It's like two am” They shrugged and said “Early breakfast,i guess” And I couldn't help myself and said “What about second breakfast?”“I don't think he knows about second breakfast,Pippin '' They answered without missing a beat, accent and all. Suddenly all the tension in the air dissipated as we both laughed,I shook my head at the absurdity of it all, and I gladly accepted the offer of food.

Even though I knew there were a lot more things we needed to discuss, I let it pass by. I needed to feel normal again for a few minutes, and I wouldn't deny this moment.

Callum waved over one of the late night staff, Her name was Solana and she was Callum's older sister. They introduced me to her and we both ordered something to eat after she handed us the menu.

We spent the night talking about comics,movies and games. It felt nice to be a normal twenty something again.

[entry 10] Callum had spent the night at my house, they promised they would sneak off in the morning. It was sunday so my mom would leave to work at the fairs in one of the parks. They said they knew how hard it was to deal with these nightmares, and they wanted to keep me company through it all.

If I had not experienced the worst nightmare of my life, I would've said no. But I didn't want to spend this night alone, I didn't feel safe being on my own. I feel like these dreams will eat me whole, and I can begin to feel something crawling inside my chest already.

When i woke up Callum was gone as they said they would, they had left me a text saying we could hang out later or grab lunch. My home didn't feel safe anymore,it felt like the sunlight was so bright it was eating away all the color,all the life my house had.I accepted their offer in a heartbeat, at least walking through the town I could forget and ignore the shifting shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and how uncomfortably familiar the sunlight felt on my skin, like it was trying to embrace the deepest part of me and for that it needed to tear and carve through my skin,my muscles and straight past my bones.

My new friend wasn't faring any better, they felt incredibly cold to the touch, they avoided being in the shade for too long and they had ripped off their patch about Pluto and we did not talk about our dreams,or what this “cult” might be up to. And it wasn't even out of worry that we could be eavesdropped upon. It was pure,sheer fear of what it would mean if just like the planets, something was growing inside of us.

There was a pull underneath my skin, i could feel it writhe under my intestines,slithering and weaving itself through the pores of my sternum…And as much as i tried to push it away, it would only fade when during our walk we came across a second church,identical to the one we had seen on saturday. “Another one?” I asked confused

Callum nodded“To the other minor gods,Madame Jupiter,Sir Kaos,Professor Mercury and Saint Saturn”

“Those are weird ass names” I tried to joke,relieved that i suddenly felt like myself again “I didn't choose them” He chided “But yes,weird” “I'm kind of curious to see the inside” “That's how horror movies start. We’re latinos,we’re supposed to know better” They joked with a slight smirk

“Well i have some white in me,my grandma’s italian, I can be a bit stupid,as a treat” “If you die in there i'm not retrieving your body” “mean”

Making fun of it did help to ease the tension that had been growing like a weed inside of me.It felt like me and Callum had known each other our whole lives, that there was no need to put our words through a filter. I was going to tug them along to see the interior, but we saw one of the nuns come out from the church, she was looking down at the ground,minding her step. Then she looked at us for a few,long seconds and smiled wide. She raised her hand to wave at us, and we looked at eachother and promptly walked away.

What disturbed me the most is that i felt like i knew her,I knew the sound of her voice even when i have never heard her speak. Just like the old priest I saw at the other cathedral. I felt like i had heard her call my name, which one i didn't know, it made me dizzy trying to figure it out and i was already dealing with feeling watched- Callum kept glancing back and i knew then i wasn't the only one that felt like that

Honestly,If i had not dreamt what i did,i would have chalked it up to paranoia…

But then I looked up straight at the sun. I expected the shine to burn my eyes,but it didn't. I had hoped I'd blind myself for a split second just to confirm something that wasn’t clawing at me at that moment.

Dread settled,my chest felt tight and I felt like the gold light that spilled across this world cupped my face and forced me to face its creator.

The sun was staring right back at me, beckoning me closer.

[entry 11] I woke up a few seconds after,I felt something cold against my back, hard like wood and somebody holding me. Slowly I blinked my eyes open and met the face of Callum, they looked concerned,sweaty, and I could see past them a gray ceiling of carved rock and stained glass.

“How are you?” They had asked,voice shaking.

“Im,..okay? what's up with you?” Before they replied, I heard a raspy, gravelly voice say “Ah,so good to see you're okay” The unnatural welcoming in this male voice made my bones uncomfortable, I felt them pushing against my joints trying to escape. I wanted to peel each strand of my muscles only to distract myself from it.

There stands the priest we saw at the church with the vitraux of the main gods of this cursed pantheon, he opens his arms and says “Our Mother can be quite stern if she wants to, sorry for that. But i have the feeling you’ll soon grow on her” He made a pause,to then clear his throat “Sorry, I meant to say she’ll soon grow in you”

I turned to Callum, who tried to put themself between me and the priest “Callum, what the hell is going on?” Callum turned back briefly to me, they pursed their lips and their eyes looked wild with their pupils as small as a dot “Remember how i said I didn't know what they were planning?” I nodded “...I have the feeling we’re about to find out”

The old priest smirked, his eyes glimmering like the ones of a predator “Don’t worry,we won't hurt you”

“You should hear him out” Came a woman’s voice I knew quite well. Dawn stood there in the same clothes I had seen her wear in our last session together,with a smile so big like she was a kid in a candy store. “I know it's hard to accept good things,especially with everything you’ve been through,but this community welcomes you,both of you, with open arms” She offered a hug,spreading her arms. Her face twitched as if it hurt to grin like that but she couldn't stop.

It reminded me of how sometimes people would feel euphoria when experiencing something divine… We both began to hear multiple sets of steps,we’re surrounded by nuns,townsfolk. They all seem to revere us,and it dawns on me.

“After all, how dare we strike our own gods?”Finished the priest. They had handed me this journal,my journal, to write everything since my midnight meeting with Callum. They say that I had written their holy texts once before, and that they eagerly await the gospel of their mother…

I don't know why they returned me home,why keep up appearances? they had us at the church…

But then in came my mom,all excited telling me about how she had a really good day at work, how she could give me some money to buy myself something pretty. I wouldn't put it past them to harm my mother if I told her about all this? Would she even believe me? Right now i can hear them outside my window, it's a gloomy day, rainy and horrible,almost pitch dark, they hide in the shadows, they are whispering and awing at my writing. Callum is here with me, just as scared as I am.

“Why?” I ask out loud,hoping for an answer, and I get none.

My mind drifted for a second to Callum,their family,their friends.

Friends..

Oh no, There's more like us.

More…vessels? seeds? What are we? Who the hell are we?

I feel now the sun shining down on me. its warmth uncomfortably pressing under my skin,through tunnels already carved straight to my soul. I turn to Callum, they sit in the darkness at the edge of my bed,their back against the mattress, their head hung low. The hood of their jacket is pulled up, I can't see their face, and I don't think I'd see any if they turned to me.

I can feel her crawling up my nerves,up my spine. My head feels dizzy and my face feels incredibly hot like I'm feverish. ‘You’re loved here,don’t you see?’She whispers ‘You won’t be ignored here, you won't be a scapegoat,a martyr. You can be that golden child, the saint you know you are’

Tears begin to fall down my face,staining the pages of the journal. She makes it sound so sweet.

‘Finally you can rest. Why fight against the system?Why don’t you..we join it? we can change it together. We can make something out of ourselves’

I look at Callum, shivering and talking to themself under their breath. I can’t hear them,but I can see their breath condensate.

“I think we’ve known each other for a while” They finally said,soft voice barely carrying over the whispering horde outside.They offer their hand towards me as I hear the creaking of bone against bone, scraping like nails on a chalkboard. Their teeth clack together as if there's no gums,no tongue to soften the impact.I see that their fingers are thin and their skin is barely sticking to their bones.I take it,finding solace in their touch.

I don’t want to be alone. Not again, not ever again.

“We do,don't we?” I replied.

Everything seems clearer now,like sunlight after a storm.

“Do you know my name?” “I think I do,do you know mine?” “i do” “it's good to see you again,Harvester” “it's good to bask in your radiance again,Mother Sun”

[entry 11]

“Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

“Heed my words oh servant

For my light will guide your path.

Like it always has during eons past.

I never left,for you still revolve around me

Even if my body hangs limp in the sky.

Like a child within my womb,you writhe and call for me.

Heed my words, you who have waited for our return…

The stars have names.

Not those you could even fathom to pronounce.

We have walked amongst you now.

We have lived what you have.

So welcome this new era.

Welcome us anew.No longer forgotten

And don't fret

for we have a plan for you”

[End of journal] I can see her, through the dark. The sky is looking back through the gloom.

Her light burns me.

My mother is calling.

But I can't give in,not yet, not now. There's four more documents like this,I can transcribe them if any of you want to kamikaze yourself into insanity with me. I’ll be here waiting,patiently. Either way,I know now that no matter what I do, the sun is always watching me,the moon knows all my secrets and in the cold night outside I can see the harvester waiting for me, tapping on his scythe with his candles burning blue.

#oc: nova castro #oc: callum fernandez #the stars have names #original story #writeblr #original writing #writers on tumblr #cosmic horror #cosmic horror writing #writerscommunity #original fiction #horror #fiction

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squeakintothevoid · 8 months ago

Text

Bohemian Rhapsody hits different after you go through an existential identity crisis.

I wanna explain what I think of when I listen to this song. (TW: religious trauma, cptsd, and an overabundance of gifs)

"If you can see it there, darling, then it's there."

-Freddie Mercury

This song is an epic hero's journey of a song that deserves to be overrated. 11/10. Freddie is an artistic genius.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide No escape from reality

So when you grow up in a traumatic situation (I was raised mormon and have complex PTSD) you live in a detached way and learn to never trust yourself. You inevitably get some doubts in the back of your mind about how great and perfect the situation you're raised in actually is, but you don't dare confront these thoughts because that would risk crumbling your sense of security.

But real life comes through and crumbles your foundation anyway like a landslide. You get doubts upon doubts. Oh crap, reality is scary! Santa isn't real! Mormonism sounds a lot like a cult! And I think everyone can relate to realizing that their parents and adults in general are just grown-up kids.

Open your eyes Look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows Doesn't really matter to me, to me

So you've realized that your security is not a guarantee in life. Now all you can really do is appeal to whatever holds power over you, be it god, your parents, the skies.

"Don't worry guys, I'm no trouble. I'll be good. My feelings don't matter. I'm good with anything you want."

You end up convinced that the people pleasing mask is who you really are. And in this state of being detached from your actual self, you become less capable of feeling much, high or low.

Mama, just killed a man Put a gun against his head Pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

But at some point your soul just can't take it anymore, it's been pushed to it's limit. The mask slips, the shelf breaks, the walls come down. You start to realize that your own thoughts and opinions might actually be important. You begin to accept the truth. And when you realize you can no longer be this version of you they want you to be, well, it feels like you've died.

Because your whole identity was built on something that wasn't real. Your world's been turned upside down and now you're terrified of disappointing all those people who you've been so desperately trying to please this whole time. Despite everything, a part of you may even care for them and hope their worldview doesn't get shattered for their own sake. Let them carry on with their ways.

Too late, my time has come Sends shivers down my spine Body's aching all the time Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (Any way the wind blows) I don't wanna die I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Freddie writes like he's walking to his own execution. I felt a similar way when I was taking my last flight out of BYU as a fresh nonbeliever to see my mormon family. My anxiety must've thought I was escaping North Korea or something. Because I really didn't know if I was about to lose everything or not. And that last line was way too relatable, which scared me. I actually avoided this song for years because of it.

I also got physically sick several times that last year at BYU from living the double life. Definitely ached all the time, and still do. The body really does keep the score.

I still remember how I felt when I finally faced the truth by reading the CES letter, subconsciously hoping it would shatter my testimony of the LDS church. It felt like walking straight into hell. Which brings us to...

I see a little silhouetto of a man Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Galileo Figaro Magnifico-o-o-o-o

...my SPOOKY MORMON HELL DREAM!

Time to feel guilt like no other! Because part of you still isn't entirely convinced you aren't going to hell! Or at least end up homeless from being kicked out and disowned.

So I see this part of the song as demons taunting you. The demons being your own self-hatred and the subliminal or even direct messaging you got from your authority figures. If I were to transcribe what I hear in these lyrics...

Hey look, a shell of a person!

Keep dancing for me, little bitch! (Scaramouche)

I am so scared of getting punished and hurt!

Ha, loser! You little heretic! (Galileo) You think you're so clever (Figaro) and important (Magnifico)!

So the Galileo, Figaro, Magnifico part is name-calling. Which you fall for because you're sense of self only just sprouted out of the sidewalk that is your mind.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Still not used to being confident, you attempt to defend yourself, but you're kinda just wallowing in self-pity.

"I swear I don't think I'm better than anyone! I just want to do my own thing! I don't hate the mormon church, I just disagree with it! And you're definitely not the reason I'm in therapy, mom & dad, but I totally understand why you asked! (Aw man, I can't trust my parents at all! I'm hopeless!)"

Wow, real confident.

He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity

But the deeper, more real, compassionate, and self-confident part of you knows the truth. It says, okay sure, you are a poor kid. But does any other poor kid deserve to be treated like this? No! Stand up for that kid!

You have to treat this self-assured part of yourself almost as a different sort of being because you don't trust yourself so much. It's not you asserting yourself because that would be selfish of course! So instead, it's god or a little voice or a call that is directing you to be confident. Or it's you being confident but for the sake of a little kid in your exact situation.

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let him go!) Bismillah! We will not let you go (Let me go!) Will not let you go (Let me go!) Never let you go (Never, never, never, never let me go) Oh oh oh oh No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Because you're not self-assured yet, the self-doubting & self-loathing parts of you war against the self-confident parts that know what's right for you. So you feel like you're doing mental gymnastics. What's wrong and right anymore? Is it really okay to drink coffee? Is it okay to throw out spoiled milk? Do I deserve a raincoat? Might my parents actually be...not gods?

Notice that the high-pitched angel-like voices that were standing up for him transform into his own voice. "Let him go" becomes "let ME go." It's like those parts are integrating into a whole and you're realizing you genuinely think you deserve better.

Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia (Mamma mia, let me go) Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

You want your parents (mamma mia!) or whoever is holding power over you to just change and accept you so you don't have to stand up to them. But that ain't necessarily happening. You cannot control them. You can't control anything but you. Not having control is scary! You can lose everything!

But with everything lost, you're the only thing left. Just you. But you can still think for yourself, control yourself. For the first time in this search of who you're supposed to be, you realize that you were there all along. And that feels powerful. You might even wanna stand up for yourself.

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye? So you think you can love me and leave me to die? Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Cue permission to be ANGRY. You aren't being fooled anymore, you see what they've done to you. And now that you actually see yourself as valuable, you're not gonna take that shit anymore. "Yes dad, I am an exmormon. Yes, that does convey a sense of animosity. I did buy new shoes for myself so that I don't hurt my feet. And I like drinking tea and watching R-rated movies." I'm such a rebel.

Ooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters Nothing really matters to me Any way the wind blows

Before, nothing mattered to you because you were only shown how to be a doormat. Now, nothing matters to you because you're only doing what you want now, nobody else's opinions really matter. I know what's important now, so life can come at me bro. I'm not what other people think of me, my talents, my failures, my achievements, nada. I'm just me and I'm gonna do whatever and quit worrying about being worthy all the time. You do you. Leave me to me. Any way the wind blows.

Of course, trauma means you fall back into the same patterns a lot and keep having to remember your worth, so life's not all wrapped up with a bow now. But, once you realize your opinions and feelings matter, it's hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube. There is nothing that can convince me to run back to the Mormons. But I do keep finding time and time again more ways in which I still don't fully trust myself. It's hard feeling like I'm going in circles finding shortcomings I didn't even know were there, but I feel like I'm spiraling up now.

So that's my exmormon/cptsd-fueled interpretation of Bohemian Rhapsody. It really is such a great song with so many interpretations. Some songs you remember the first time hearing it and even fewer songs get even better as you go back to it, you know? Anyway, thanks for reading and tolerating the gifs!

#bohemian rhapsody #song interpretation #exmormon #identity #nihilism #existential crisis #exmo #queen band #freddie mercury #song lyrics #cptsd #self discovery

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