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total-drama-takes-takes-2 · 1 year ago

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ttwt episode 7

“Last time, on Total Takes World Tour: our thirteen remaining players were let loose in the Dandenong Ranges in southern Australia with no supplies, no maps- nothing but each other! Even though Team Mojo hit a rough patch while Team Yaoi pulled themselves together for Julia’s sake, it was Albert’s environmental expertise that pulled the Mojos to the finish line, and landed Team Yaoi back in economy. Will they continue to stick together to defend their fellow castmates against Patrick? Will Team Mojo ever stop getting lost in every location we drop them in? Find out now, on Total Takes World Tour!”

Early morning light sifts through the open windows of the first class cabin, awakening everyone bright and early. At this altitude, there are no clouds to filter out the sunshine, let alone trees and houses, so it’s up and at it for Team Mojo.

Michela yawns and helps herself to the breakfast buffet set up across from the mocktail bar. Chris’ off-limits hot tub bubbles in the background, and the faint sounds of the flat-screen television in his private quarters makes its way through the silence in first class.

Albert shifts up next to her, taking up a paper plate and sorting through the assorted vegan options (which, albeit, aren’t very impressive).

“I honestly don’t get how you can just not eat like that,” Michela smiles, helping herself to a large heaping of bacon. “I’d probably starve to death.”

Albert chuckles. “It’s an acquired taste, I suppose. But it’s for the greater good,”

“Does that stuff really make a difference? I mean… no offense, but you’re just one guy,”

“We were taught that no change is too small,” he shrugs, pouring himself some hot water for tea. “I try to live by that.”

Patrick peers over the back of his plush seat from the seating area, eyes narrowed. After a few moments, he plops back down and leans over to Sha-Mod. “Those two are awfully chummy, aren’t they?”

Sha-Mod adjusts the paper napkin tied over his face. “What? I mean, I guess, but they’re just friends, right?”

“‘Friend’ is just a longer way of saying ‘ally’,”

Sha-Mod takes a moment to count on his fingers. “Oh, yeah. Guess that’s right,”

Patrick puts an arm around Sha-Mod and roughly pulls him closer. “Listen, buddy, you get it. We’re two lone wolves, standing apart from the pack!”

“Um… I guess,”

“I always thought you were the best of the Takes Three,”

“Huh… really? Cause we always agreed McLovin carried. He’s the best at Guitar Hero,”

Patrick grits his teeth and then forces a smile. “Yes. You could go solo if you wanted, they’re holding you back if anything,”

“Really? Cause-”

“That’s not the point! I’m trying to say that you and I should krck them before they krck us,” he says, slashing across his throat with his finger. “The chick will definitely make merge, but the guy’s vulnerable.”

“But Albert is nice,”

“B-but Albert is nice,” Patrick mocks. “That’s what you sound like. You’re the most vulnerable player on the team, since you’re not in an alliance.”

“But you aren’t either!”

“Please,” he says, slicking his hair back. “I’m unexpendable.”

---

PATRICK: “Talking to him is like trying to teach a can of sardines to sing opera,”

---

Mal snaps a quick picture of Bonnie and Max as they sleep beside each other and quickly giggles to herself as she uploads it to her blog.

“Bonmax is so trending on Twitter right now,” she squeals maniacally. “People are having discourse over whether it’s moral or not to ship them, since they’re so mlm/wlw solidarity-coded.”

Ass massages their temples. “I don’t know what any of those words mean. Stop talking to me,”

“Isn’t it weird to ship them since they’re both in relationships?” Courtney asks, yawning. "I mean, rpf is-"

“As if. It’s called fanon interpretation,” Mal crosses her arms. “My mutual is a total Maxulia shipper and he’s got like 1.3k followers.”

“A WHAT?” Julia shouts from down the bench.

Across the cabin, Staci stretches and turns to the rest of the team, who are still fast asleep.

---

STACI: “Okay, so, a part of my undergrad program is about leadership- I was hoping to take the hit points by really overcompensating on my participation and my exams, but... maybe this show would be good practice,”

---

“Up, up, rise and shine!” she shouts, pacing up and down the bench and clapping their hands. “Let’s load up on breakfast and then hit the books for strategy!”

“Hm?” Kelly mumbles, half-awake.

“What books?” Max asks, rubbing his eyes. “The Art of War?”

“That’s an excellent suggestion,” Staci says, bouncing a pointing stick in their hand.

---

STACI: “So, in most groups, everyone will assume the role of a communication maintainer- but since our team is so divided, I’m just going to try to do all of them before everyone gets on board. First up: Social-Emotional,”

---

“Does anyone have any more ideas? I’m all ears!”

“Ooh, me! I do! I have lots of ideas!” Phillip says, picking up his notebook and rushing over. “Do you want to hear a poem?”

“I would love to!” Staci smiles, watching as Phillip leafs through several crude crayon gore drawings to get to the poems.

“Who died and made her queen?” Max grumbles. Bonnie elbows him and he rolls his eyes.

---

MAX: “Okay, admittedly, I haven’t exactly been picking up the slack here. But who could blame me? This team is hopeless! Besides, I have… other things to worry about,”

---

“Good morning, passengers! We’ll be landing in about twenty minutes, so buckle in and hold on tight!” Chris shouts.

Everyone who’s up scrambles back to their seats and straps in as the plane begins nose-diving, much to everyone’s horror. Bonnie and Max hold onto each other as they head straight down, and Mal makes sure to get and upload and picture before returning to screaming with the rest of the cast.

At the last second, Chef pulls up and the plane lands smoothly on the tarmac and the doors open with a hiss.

The morning is crisp, cloudy, and chilled as everyone steps down the rickety stairs and onto the pavement.

“No amount of first class perks will ever make up for these landings,” Sha-Mod says, rubbing his back.

Patrick follows him out, cracking his neck and grinding his teeth.

“Welcome one, welcome all, to Wales!” Chris says, gesturing to the rolling green hill behind him.

Mal looks from side-to-side. “Where?”

“Here, you idiot,” Ass snaps, putting their hands on their hips.

“No, where are the whales?”

Courtney sighs and pinches the bridge of their nose. Julia just rolls her eyes.

“Nice team you’ve got there, sweetheart!” Patrick yells from across the tarmac. She grits her teeth.

---

PATRICK: “Now that Julia and I are back to sworn enemies, we make quite the pair of rivals. I mean- she’s her team’s leader, I’m my team’s leader, she’s cunning, I’m brilliant, she’s decent, I’m gorgeous… like a match made in Hell,”

---

“Wales?! We’re only an hour from my grandma's house!” Sha-Mod says merrily, jumping with joy.

Michela raises an eyebrow. “You’re from Wales?”

“No, England is right over… there, somewhere,” he gestures vaguely off into the distance. Michela shrugs.

“Your first stop is Cardiff. To make things a little more fun- for me- we decided to make it a little scavenger hunt,” Chris says, pulling out three slips of paper. “These will have the clue to your next location.”

“Um,” Courtney says, reading Team Yaoi’s slip. “Are these-?”

“These are in WELSH!” Ass says. “None of us can read this!”

“Too bad,” Chris shrugs. “Shoulda thought of that before you came to Wales, huh?”

“YOU BROUGHT US HERE!”

“Beautiful language, isn’t it? I love the use of W's. Well, see you at your next stop!” the host says, waving goodbye and walking into the plane. Ass groans.

Julia sighs and ropes in the team. “Okay, so Mal can run Google Translate on her phone. That’ll give us a head start, but we gotta stick together, okay?”

Courtney looks up to Mal, who’s happily typing away. “Where did Mal get a phone? I thought I trashed hers back in Chicago?”

“I think she steals them, but that’s not important. Let’s just avoid fighting. That’s all I ask of you,”

Staci watches the scuffle from afar and shakes her head, grinning.

---

STACI: “Authoritarian much? Everyone knows you catch more flies with honey than vinegar,”

---

“Okay, team, let’s all go around in a circle and brainstorm. I wanna hear ideas from everyone,” Staci says sweetly. “Kelly, why don’t you start?”

“Maybe it’s a code. Ooh, does anyone here speak hieroglyphs?”

“That’s a great point, Kelly. Does anyone here speak hieroglyphs?”

Max grits his teeth.

“No one? Okay, Bonnie?”

“I can get back in the plane and grab my tablet. If I can connect to the internet, we can-”

A loud whoosh and a strong current of air blows past the group as the plane takes off. Bonnie sighs. “Okay. I’m out,”

“Max?”

“Murder-suicide,”

“Okay, well, I’m not sure that’s very helpful, but thank you for sharing,” Staci says. “Phillip?”

“I actually had a dream about this once, except I was in an airport that was also a petting zoo, and it was in China but everyone was speaking in Arabic, and I had to get to the pretzel stand but no one could hear me because I was invisible,” he pauses once he notices everyone’s blank expressions. “I have prophetic dreams, by the way.”

---

PHILLIP: “They all hate me,”

---

“And then I was suddenly in my grandma’s house, but the dishwasher was in the bedroom, and my buddy Eric's Uncle Dale was there, and then-”

“Okay, ENOUGH,” Max says. “Let’s just find someone and ask.”

“Now there’s an idea! I knew this would work eventually,” Staci claps. Max glares at her.

---

MAX: "Staci's always been a little high on her own fumes. Which is to say, completely and utterly detached from anything that resembles reality,"

---

Team Mojo trudges through Cardiff, Michela leading the rest of the group behind her like a mother duck and a line of ducklings. She holds up their slip of paper to street signs, restaurant names, and any Welsh she can find.

“Anything yet?” Patrick says. “I didn’t do my 4k gold face mask last night and I’m feeling puffy.”

“Calm down, your royal highness,” Michela snaps. “Unless you have a better idea?”

Sha-Mod scratches his chin, looking around the city. A strong breeze blows past them, pulling off Sha-Mod’s face napkin. He screams in terror and runs after it.

“We lost him again,” Albert says, turning as Sha-Mod runs off.

“He’ll find his way back. He’s like a pigeon,” Michela murmurs, walking ahead.

---

SHA-MOD: “Two seasons ago, I said that I would never show my face on TV- and I meant it! I have withstood lakes, small, vicious animals- Scary included- explosions, and hurricanes- I guess the stress of being alone this season was just too sha-much for Lightning,”

---

Sha-Mod walks back in frame with a bag of chips tied around his face. Patrick rolls his eyes.

“Hey, guys! We found a match!” Michela says, bringing the group back towards her. She holds up the paper under a sign off in the distance. “National Museum Cardiff, up ahead!”

---

“I think I’m doing pretty well,” Staci says, leading the group behind her as they walk through the city. Kelly nods. “You’re doing great!”

“We’ll have this team put back together in no time!” she says confidently. “Just a little Social-Emotional nurturing, and I’ll bring together a safe and welcoming environment. That’s the first step- I learned it in communications class.”

“Wow, impressive! College must be fun,”

“It is, I’m learning a lot. Honors is tough, but I’m tougher, right?” they grin. “That’s what my mom says.”

Kelly nods. Max rolls his eyes from behind them.

---

KELLY: “Watching our little friend group grow has been a real treat- I know not everyone gets to do that. Austin is in a relationship, Staci is in university, and I’m… well, I’m here!”

---

“Miserable,” Max mutters, kicking a rock along the road. He sighs loudly. Bonnie tries to ignore him. Then, he sighs again. Louder. Bonnie grits their teeth. He sighs again, groaning a little this time, and they finally give in.

“Okay, fine. What’s up?”

“It’s about… well, you-know-who,”

“Figures,” they mutter. “What now?”

Max fidgets with his tie and looks at the ground. “I was given an… anonymous tip… to watch out for them. For him, I mean,”

“An ‘anonymous’ tip, huh?”

He shrugs them off. “Unimportant. I just don’t get why she’s being so distant about it,”

“You trust her?”

“Yes, yes, of course, but… at the same time, do I?” Max thinks aloud. “I want to. It just feels like she’s keeping something from me. I can’t stand being lied to.”

Bonnie grumbles to themselves and then sighs. “I’m… sorry, I guess. What’s your damage? I mean, what’s your deal? I mean… you get what I mean,”

He shifts slightly. “Michela isn’t the first person I’ve been with,”

“Huh. You don’t say,” Bonnie scans him over, raising an eyebrow. “Well… I’m all ears and no lips. The only person I’d tell is stuck in a studio in Toronto.”

“I went to a pretty religious private school. My family isn’t Christian, but it was top in the province, so… well, you know,” he says, looking at his feet. “Before I… um, looked like this, there was a girl I used to see. She couldn’t tell anyone, obviously,” he rolls his eyes. “But it was like she couldn’t tell me anything, either. I guess it was embarrassment, or something, but it was always distance and secrets with her. I could never figure out if she was upset and lying, or being honest, or implying something, and no matter what I did it was always the wrong thing… I’m not an oblivious person,” he insists, pointing sharply. “But I’m not always good at this romance thing. I guess it just makes me paranoid now.”

“Well, damn,” Bonnie says. “So, you don’t think Michela is lying but your train of thought is-”

“Working overtime to convince me she is,” he sighs. “I know it’s irrational but it doesn’t make me sleep any easier.”

“Couldn’t you just talk to her about it?”

Max raises an eyebrow. “Don’t make me pull out the Caesar card again,”

“Okay, but in my defense- not talking about it just forced him and I to spill the beans on live international TV in front of all our friends and peers,” Bonnie says. “Would you rather it be that?”

“I get the point,” he sighs. “I just can’t get this feeling out of my stomach.”

Bonnie lightly punches his shoulder. “We’ll get you there somehow,”

---

“This is the place,” Courtney says, walking up the steps of the National Museum.

The rest of the team hovers behind them, watching cautiously as they approach the large double doors. They reach out a hand and grab the handle. The door doesn’t budge.

Courtney pulls at it again, then turns around. “It’s locked,”

“Try harder,” Ass cups their mouth and shouts.

“How will trying harder unlock a door!”

Julia sighs and steps between the two. “Shut up! Both of you! Chris might be somewhere around here, or this is some kind of… I don’t know, puzzle. But arguing about it just wastes time and destroys my brain cells!”

The team grumbles to themselves as Julia scans the exterior. Ass storms past Courtney and tries the door again.

“You’re not going to open it,” they say, watching with an unamused expression.

Ass struggles, pushing against the floor and leaning back as far as their body will allow them. “It’s just stuck,”

“That’s a funny way to say locked!”

“Not everyone has a weak grip like you, princess!”

Ass roughly yanks the door, shaking it slightly while they and Courtney bicker. After several minutes of scuffling, they release the handle and shout in frustration, kicking the base.

A slip of paper unlodges itself from the crack between the wall and the door and floats to the ground. Ass grins, swiping it off the stone. “There. See?”

“See what? You didn’t open the door!”

Mal types rapidly on her phone and smacks her gum loudly from the base of the stairs. “Ohhhh, yeah. Forgot to mention, Google says the museum is closed on Mondays,”

Courtney and Ass glare. “That information would’ve been helpful BEFORE WE GOT HERE!”

“Whatever,” Julia says, swiping the next clue from Ass’ hands. "Where to next?"

---

“Sheep?” Max asks as the slightly-annoyed local walks off. “We have to-”

“I know, it’s not my favorite either, but it’s what the clue says,” Staci says. “I’m positive you’re gonna do great, Max!”

He blinks.

---

STACI: “The next role is the supporter, which is basically just what it sounds like. Let’s get motivated!”

---

Team Friendship rushes to the ends of the city, meeting a large road leading out into the country. Off to the side, sure enough, are three herds of sheep.

“This is ridiculous,” Bonnie sighs.

“Sheep farming is an important economy, so I’d watch your tone,” Chris says, dropping in on a jetpack and startling the sheep away. “Glad to see you’ve made it this far- you’re just a few hours away from your final destination. While it’s currently in England, many scholars argue that it was first built right here in Wales- you’re going to Stonehenge!

“Thank you for explaining that, Chris,” Staci says sweetly. Her team unanimously gives her odd looks.

“You’re welcome,” the host grins. “Now, I’d get to rounding up your herd and setting off- I hear Team Yaoi is hot on your trail.”

---

“Okay, edge of the city- let’s go!” Michela says, pointing ahead. She and Albert run while Patrick walks casually behind them, picking at his cuticles.

Sha-Mod lingers behind, looking from side to side before hurrying to catch up with the group.

---

SHA-MOD: “Who am I without Lightning? Without Takes Three?! Am I anyone? AM I STILL SHA-FABULOUS?”

---

Team Yaoi arrives just as Team Friendship sets off, leading two other herds of sheep behind them. The four look between each other nervously.

“Okay, it’s just some sheep. We can do this,” Courtney says, picking up a stick off the ground and waving it around. “Get! Get! Come on!”

“That is so not how you do that,” Ass crosses their arms. Julia shakes her head and sighs. “We need a herding dog, or something,”

The two stop and turn to Mal behind them.

---

“Yeah, I don’t know if this is really for me,” Patrick says, chuckling to himself as he watches Michela try to get their sheep's attention. “I’m more of a wolf, not much of a dog, if you know what I mean.”

Michela snorts. “You’re more like an inbred cat with IBS, but sure! Now, move it!”

Albert tries using a stick to guide them, but the sheep graze on, unbothered. He shrugs to her, and she groans.

“I don’t get it. I’m trying everything I learned about,” he says, tossing the stick behind him. A few sheep bleat nervously and walk away. “What! What am I doing wrong?! Animals like me!”

“Maybe these sheep are just neurotic?” Michela mutters. Patrick smirks.

Seconds later, Sha-Mod comes tumbling out of the city behind them, landing chips-first on the ground. When he stands, the plastic bag is deflated and partially open, and crispy potato wedges are falling from the top.

Sha-Mod sits up, groaning, and sees the entire herd surrounding him. He shrieks.

“No! No, it’s okay! They want the food!” Albert says cautiously while he and Michela watch with wide eyes. “Get up very, very slowly, and walk towards us.”

Patrick chuckles. “You’ve got to be kidding. These dumb animals won’t hurt you! If anything, you need to assert your dominance as the more intelligent species through fear! Watch,” he storms over to an ewe, shaking his fist at them. “Listen here, lesser species. I have the upper hand, and I-”

The sheep bleats and walks over to him, nuzzling against his pant leg. A few join afterwards, going in circles around his legs and playfully nipping at him. He screams in terror. “GET THEM OFF ME!”

“No! They like you!” Michela palms her forehead and then whisper-shouts. “Don’t scare them! Walk over here, slowly!”

Patrick whimpers in fear and edges forward, shuffling his feet towards Michela. Albert watches in horror.

---

ALBERT: “All those hours studying, camping with wildlife, volunteering at free-range farms- and it’s Patrick who’s the better shepherd. This is… what’s happening to me?”

---

Patrick finally reaches Michela and throws himself in her arms, crying. She rolls her eyes and pats his back. “There, there. They’re not going to hurt you,”

“Do they bite?” he asks shakily.

“No,” Albert says from afar. He turns to Sha-Mod, who’s still surrounded by the rest of the herd. “Let’s go.”

---

Team Yaoi walks alongside each other, panting as the day wears on.

“Wish we could ride these useless things,” Ass mutters. “What are they even good for?”

A sheep angrily bleats at them and they back off. Courtney rolls their eyes and leans in to pet one. “I dunno, I think they’re kinda sweet,”

“Whatever,” they murmur in response, earning another eye roll from Courtney.

Julia hangs at the back of the group, watching the two up front. Mal darts into frame for a moment, running around her ankles and barking before circling the group once again.

The sound of laughter and sheep appears from behind the team and Julia turns a bit to catch a glimpse of Team Mojo following them up the crest, sheep in line and following Sha-Mod and Patrick in the front.

The latter grins and waves as they pass by. “See you at the finish line, sweetie!”

Julia grimaces, but waits til the team disappears up ahead to make comment.

“I hate that guy,”

“What’s your deal with him, anyway?” Courtney asks. Mal pops up out of nowhere, covered in grass and dirt, and states matter-of-factly: “Exes. Messy breakup, but even messier relationship,” and then she ducks back to the ground to run around the herd again.

Julia rolls her eyes. “Yes, thank you, Mal,”

“Ooh, fun. Any juicy gossip to share?” Ass asks, crossing their arms and grinning.

“Well, I-”

The familiar ringing of the song bell sounds and she grits her teeth. “No way am I going to-”

“It’s sing or lose!” Chris says, popping into frame on his jetpack. “And from the looks of it, your team can’t risk losing you. So get singing! Oh, and for the challenge, why don’t we throw some Welsh in there?”

Julia palms her forehead and sighs. “I love Wales in the springtime, rwy’n caru Wales in the fall,”

“Good job, Jules, keep it up!” Courtney cheers on.

“It’s the country of love in the summer, but now it’s just a bummer! Cause-”

Far up ahead, Patrick clears his throat. “Julia broke my heart and chewed it up and spit it out and then stepped on it and threw it down a sewer and called it names and then laughed!”

Michela rolls her eyes.

“Oes, my friends, you must never trust a girl!”

Julia goes on front behind. “Oes, my friends, he’ll make you wanna hurl!”

“Oes, my friends, she will,” Patrick pauses to take a deep breath. “Break your heart and chew it up and spit it out and step on it and throw it down a sewer and call it names, and then laugh!”

“Oh, brother,” Michela mutters. Albert nods in agreement.

Far ahead of them, Team Friendship picks up with Staci: “Oes, my friends! We are gonna make it through!”

Max grits his teeth as their sheep run off again. “Um, no, my “friend”, we just lost another ewe,”

Back to Julia: “Oes, my friends, I’m telling it to you,”

“Oes, my friends, now I’m telling you the truth,” Patrick says up ahead.

Julia takes a deep breath. “If you date a boy you met on TV and then break up with him, and then break up with him again, and then finally actually break up with him, even though you were nothing but nice, you will still-”

Patrick picks up as the tempo changes. “We end up on TV! She won’t even see me! And the girl won’t even admit I dumped her FIRRRRST!”

“Is it over?” Michela asks, holding her head. Albert nudges her. “We lost Sha-Mod again.”

She grabs his arm weakly. “Can you please. I feel sick,”

Albert looks around her to where Patrick is humming to himself and leading the herd. “I don’t know if I’d feel good about myself leaving you with him,”

“I’ll be fine. Just go deal with Sha-Mod,”

He sighs, but walks off anyway.

---

Team Friendship arrive first at Stonehenge, despite their sheep going AWOL around them. As soon as they reach the finish line, Max collapses in the fetal position on the floor.

“YAYYYY, we did it!” Staci pumps her fist. “Go, team!”

Kelly squeals and claps their hands. Phillip watches as Bonnie sits down next to Max’s lifeless body and pokes him with a stick until he moves.

“Do we win something,” the goth asks, balancing their head in the palms.

Chris, sitting in a plush chair and enjoying a cup of tea, shrugs. They grumble to themselves. Team Yaoi arrives next, looking around.

“I guess we lost them,” Julia says with barely-restrained joy.

---

JULIA: “Would Patrick being gone solve all my problems? No. But it’d be sooooo satisfying, wouldn’t it?”

---

“I guess you did, but we can’t do the next part of your challenge without all teams available, sooooo…” Chris says. “Time to wait!”

The teens groan.

---

“Sha-Mod!” Albert yells, wandering the rolling green plains. “Sha-Mod? God, how can anyone get lost out here? There’s nothing!”

He takes a step forward and hears a loud crunch. He winces. “Please don’t be a snail,”

“Nah, just me,”

Albert looks down and sighs in relief. He lifts his shoe off the bag of chips and steps off of Sha-Mod, who’s buried in the dirt below him. “Dude. You have to get up and come back to the team,”

“Why should I? I’m no one,”

“You- okay, you have to get up. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,”

Sha-Mod rises from his shallow grave and sighs. The bag of chips slips off his face and is carried off in the breeze, and he shrieks. “My crisps!”

“Here,” Albert says, taking off his windbreaker and tossing it over Sha-Mod’s head. “Now let’s go.”

Sha-Mod crosses his arms and turns his head, the windbreaker swaying. “No,”

“Why not?”

“I’m no one. No one needs me,”

Albert takes a long, deep breath. “Okay. Fine. What’s wrong?”

“I lost my Lightning,” he sniffles. “I’m no one under that picture.”

“That’s not true. You have a face,” he pauses. “You… you do have a face, don’t you?”

“A dumb one,” he cries.

Albert shakes his head and sits down next to him. “I guess I know how you feel. I’ve been feeling like a failure lately, too. A nobody,”

“Did you also go on a reality TV show for three seasons without showing your face and then realize no one really knows you?”

“Um… no. I just meant more in a symbolic sense,” Albert says, raising an eyebrow. “I just lost my job, my whole life. I don’t really know who I am without it.”

“Oh, I see. I guess I get it. Lightning was my job,”

“Your job was… Lightning?”

Sha-Mod nods. “Now who am I? A sweaty windbreaker?”

“It’s not… never mind,” he mutters. “So, you don’t want to show your face, but you also don't-don’t want to show your face?”

He nods.

“Okay. Makes sense,” Albert murmurs. “What’re you afraid of?”

“Well, originally I did it because I didn’t want my likeness to be on international TV in front of millions of people, but eventually I just couldn’t take it off! It was like a part of me… now, who am I without it?”

“You’re Sha-Mod. I mean, whatever your real name is,” Albert says. “You’re not a piece of paper.”

---

ALBERT: “There are a lot of things I’ve said today that I’d never imagined myself saying before. And yet, they make perfect sense. What is wrong with this show,”

---

Sha-Mod sniffles. “Or a windbreaker?”

“Or a windbreaker,” Albert says reassuringly. “Maybe it’s time to face the world, Sha-Mod. Show us the real you.”

“Um… I don’t know. I think I’m just going to keep this on. I like it,” he says, standing. “Let’s get back to the team.”

Albert sighs, but stands and follows anyway.

---

Team Mojo arrives at Stonehenge last, trudging themselves and their sheep behind them.

“FINALLY!” Ass snaps. “We thought you got eaten by… whatever lives out here!”

“British people,” Kelly whispers. Staci nods.

“Welcome one, welcome all to the final round of your Great British Race-Off!” Chris says, then leans into Chef to whisper. “We’re allowed to use that, right?” Hatchet shrugs.

“Your final task is simple- a delicious, traditional British feast in front of the scenic Stonehenge,” the host goes on as Chef disappears and comes back pushing a table with a few covered dishes. “Each team will select the player with the strongest stomach- last man standing, wins.”

“It’s British food,” Ass puts their hands on their hips. “How bad could it be?”

“Your first dish: Jellied eels!” Chef shouts harshly. “Now eat up!”

Silence. Ass blinks. “I volunteer Mal,”

“I second that!” Courtney says. Julia shrugs.

“Um, so… who’s gonna…” Kelly asks slowly. “Cause I’m on a vegetarian diet this week!”

Max rolls his eyes. “Convenient. I say we make the prince of darkness over there do it,” he jabs his thumb backwards to where Phillip is cowering in fear from the rays of sunlight coming out from between the clouds.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Bonnie crosses their arms. Phillip shouts Hey! Before scampering behind Chef for shade.

“C’mon, guys! We can reach a solution that makes everyone happy if we work together!” Staci says. The team glares between each other.

---

STACI: “Role number three: Harmonizer. Preventing and mediating conflict. I can do that, no problem… right?”

---

“Okay, if no one else wants to… I’ll do it,”

No one on Team Friendship argues, much to Staci’s horror. Across the lawn, Team Mojo isn’t faring much better.

“It can’t be me. I’m vegan!” Albert says, raising his hands defensively.

Patrick grumbles. “I have a fragile palette,”

“I’m British intolerant,” Michela says.

As the three bicker, a hero emerges from the fog. “I’ll do it,”

Everyone turns. Patrick holds back a laugh. “You’ll do it?”

“I’ll do it! It won’t phase me!” Sha-Mod insists. “I’m immune! And thanks to my new best friend, Albert-” Michela turns to Albert with a raised eyebrow. He shrugs and mouths talk later. “-I know I can do anything I set my mind to, with or WITHOUT my sha-swag!”

Team Mojo stares for a few moments before Patrick shrugs. “Better him than me. Go get ‘em, tiger!”

---

Sha-Mod, Staci, and Mal sit side-by-side at the long table, staring at their uncovered platter of gelatin and eels.

“Mmmm, eel-icious!” Chris chuckles. “You’ll get five whole courses of delicious, top-tier British dining. The last man standing- or alive- wins first class and immunity for his-or-her-or-their team. Ready?”

Sha-Mod nods confidently. Mal scrolls through her phone. Staci is pale.

“Dig in!”

Sha-Mod starts off courageously, shoveling in forkfuls of eel. Mal chews casually, typing something with her free hand.

Staci pokes at the meal with her fork.

“Come on, we don’t have all day!” Max shouts. Kelly elbows him.

“You’ve got this, girl!”

Staci smiles nervously, and then takes a very slow, very cautious bite. She immediately gags and coughs. Albert winces from nearby. “I don’t know if I can watch this,”

After a grueling ten minutes (most of which was waiting for Staci to finish) Chef rolls out the next course. “Black pudding, a staple of the classic English breakfast,”

Staci sighs with relief. “You know, pudding actually sounds good,”

“Oh… noooo…” Sha-Mod mutters. Their smile drops.

Chef pulls off the silver covers on their dishes, revealing black hockey-puck like pellets. “Pig’s blood and fat, a la mode,”

Albert goes pale and turns around.

---

ALBERT: “I don’t have a problem with other people eating meat. When it’s, you know, not condensed into a black disk and made of blood,”

---

Sha-Mod tears into his pudding like a wild animal. Staci squirms and looks back and forth between their plate and their team behind them. Kelly gives them a thumbs up. Max rolls his eyes.

By the time Sha-Mod and Mal finish, Staci takes her first bite.

“Course number three: dressed tripe! While its popularity has wavered since the Victorian era, some places still enjoy this yummy meal of boiled and bleached stomach lining,”

Sha-Mod is beginning to cough and wheeze as he barrels through each platter. Staci is gagging between each bite. Max rolls his eyes.

---

MAX: “Better her than me, but at the same time: I’m glad to see little miss perfect isn’t such a genius, after all. Her little dream of leading the team is cute, but come on- she’s the human equivalent of a marshmallow,”

---

Mal slurps up each bite with ease, popping in a pair of earbuds to watch YouTube while she eats. Team Yaoi watches, bewildered.

---

MAL: “I’m used to eating whatever I can find. For the last six days of my fifth annual One Piece binge, I survived on canned tuna from the Cold War era and rainwater,”

---

“Next up, pork pies!”

“Oh, that doesn’t sound too bad,” Staci says, looking to Sha-Mod. He shrugs. Chef rolls out a thick pie, full of pink meat and she whimpers. “I-I don’t know if I can…”

“Don’t you dare lose!” Max shouts. “You need to set a good example for the team!”

She frowns and takes a cautious bite. Albert, now a sickly shade of green, leans on Patrick’s shoulder for support. He quickly swats him off and Max grins as Albert lands in the grass. “How’s it taste, Staci!”

“Bad!” she shouts back. “It’s too much meat!”

Albert groans.

---

“Well, well, well. I’m impressed!” Chris says, pacing between the three. “Not a single chicken yet. Since you’re all still here, we’re making this a race to the end!”

Chef brings out the final platters, setting them before each player. “First player to finish wins! Welcome to your final round- stargazey pie!”

“Aww, that’s so cute! Are they shaped like little stars?” Kelly asks.

The host grins widely. “Not… exactly,”

Chef pulls off the silver covers and reveals three perfectly normal pies- but each is full of fish heads gazing towards the sky. Staci goes pale.

“Ready? Set? Eat!”

Mal twirls her fork around her fingers and takes a deep bite without looking away from her blog. Staci swallows deeply and begins cutting up the meal while Sha-Mod peers down at it from under the windbreaker.

“Sh-Sha-Mod!” Albert says from the ground. “My coat! Please don’t get anything on… my coat…” and then he faints again.

Sha-Mod pauses and thinks for a moment. Then, he stands.

“You’re right, I don’t need this anymore!” he says.

Patrick holds up a finger. “I don’t think that’s what he meant,”

Sha-Mod ignores him. “It’s time to stop hiding. I don’t need to be anyone but myself!”

He tears off the windbreaker, tossing it to the side. Everyone gasps as Sha-Mod reveals himself to be… a perfectly average white boy.

“Are you kidding me!” Ass shouts.

Sha-Mod takes a deep breath. “It feels good to breathe. And I can finally see you guys!”

Michela massages her temples. Patrick shakes his head sadly.

“All this time, I’ve been hiding- initially, I was afraid of being seen humiliating myself- but I think I was just afraid of being myself. Well, I’m not afraid anymore. I’m Sha-Mod, and I’m going to win this thing!”

A loud ding rings out and the camera pans over to Mal, who’s just finished her meal. She pushes the plate back and posts a Tweet.

“And Team Yaoi has won… again!” Chris says. “Since Sha-Mod’s plate is untouched, we’ll be seeing Team Mojo at the elimination ceremony.”

Team Yaoi cheers. Once the fanfare has died down, Julia grins and waves goodbye to Patrick.

---

JULIA: “Now, all I have to do is convince the team that Patrick has got to go. Not that it’d be hard. I mean… look at him,”

---

Julia peers around the corner of first class, looking both ways before creeping down the hall. She stops outside the bathroom confessional and waits for a moment before Albert walks out.

She grabs him by the windbreaker and quickly covers his mouth, looking around for witnesses again before pulling him away. “We’ve gotta talk,”

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” he whispers sharply.

“Shut up. Listen, I think we can all agree that Patrick is doing nothing but being a big baby drama queen, as per usual,” she says. “I want him gone. You want him gone. Your little girlfriend wants him gone. This is a no-brainer.”

Albert raises an eyebrow. “What do you get out of this?”

“Satisfaction,” she scoffs. “I know Patrick. If you don’t get him first, he’ll get you.”

Julia releases him and walks off quickly.

From around the corner, Patrick glares.

---

“Team Mojo- not looking too great, huh?”

The four remaining players look between each other. Chris continues. “Michela, you’re safe. Albert, you too,”

“Patrick- you’re not exactly a fan favorite here. And Sha-Mod, your revelation cost your team the win,” he goes on. Patrick smirks and crosses his arms tightly. Sha-Mod looks nervous, his expression visible for the first time. “Patrick….

You’re safe. Sorry, Sha-Mod.”

“What?” Michela asks, standing. “That’s impossible, we all voted for Patrick!”

Chris shrugs. “Hey, I just count the votes. Don't shoot the messenger,”

Albert guides Michela back down to her seat. Patrick looks back. “Some team, huh?”

“Why are you surprised! We hate you!” Albert hisses. Patrick glares.

“Well… I had fun,” Sha-Mod says, strapping on the chute. “Thank you, Albert. My boyfriend and I’ll write a song about you!”

Albert forces a smile and a double thumbs-up. Sha-Mod walks to the plane door, salutes, and jumps out backwards. “Don’t forget to pre-order our Christmas albuuuuuuum,”

“What an exit,” Chris says. “Well, off to the hot tub!” and with that, he leaves the contestants in the cabin. Patrick stands shortly after, making glaring eye contact with both Albert and Michela, and then disappears.

Albert glares back.

---

ALBERT: “I had a sort of... revelation today. Sha-Mod is right- everyone’s hiding behind some kind of mask. While his was… well, literal, mine was my job. And now that it’s gone, all I’m left with is me,” a long pause follows, and he smiles widely. “I guess what I’m saying is that no one is prepared for what’s coming.”

#ttwt #total takes world tour #THIS WAS 23 PAGES LONG IN GOOGLE DOCS BY THE WAY #longest one yet

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