#I was barely even doing digital art in 2018

[sun-marie]

Had to go digging around to find this old relic on the left, but I saw @glamfellens do this and thought it would be fun!

5 years of art improvement, from 2018 -> 2023 ✨

[lovebirdgames]

To the ready...

This is my last devlog and final reflection before Band Camp Boyfriend releases. We started working on the game in 2015. We released the demo on Itch.io in 2018. We got our Steam page up in 2022. Now here we are in 2023, almost eight years later. We’ve been working towards this moment for eight years.

To be honest, it’s a little bit scary. My anxiety can’t help but whisper, “What if they hate it?” but thankfully logic growls back, “They won’t.” The most important thing is…I love it. I love it and I’m proud of it, and I’m here to reflect on everything and thank everyone for their hard work. Band Camp Boyfriend was once an idea in an instrument truck and today it is a reality thanks to you.

I may use “I” and speak from my perspective here, but I am only one half of the soul of this game. My sister’s heart, creativity, memories, and talents also make up Band Camp Boyfriend. She is just the shyer of the two of us and not as present on social media. So while I speak from my heart, know that it also comes from Alex’s.

Alex and I came up with the characters and stories together. We bounced ideas on band fields, long walks, and over coffee. There are so many warm moments of us barely able to detail our scene ideas in between peals of laughter. Together, we crafted it into better versions, constantly improving on it. As we worked, we covered for each other’s flaws. Alex is the perfectionist between the two of us and she is the more knowledgeable one when it comes to music, as she majored in it. She also was able to do the math and figure out the tough programming. Then she taught me—I am not the perfectionist, but I am the workhorse, the motivator. I am obsessed with checking things off my list and constantly working to whittle it down. And while her writing style is to carefully hone each paragraph, mine is to just devour. I sit down and I just write—though I like to say the characters write themselves. I’m just an invisible presence within the story, writing the scene as it plays out. If you know the characters deeply enough, you always know what they’re going to say next and your fingers fly across the keyboard just to keep up. But enough about me.

Band Camp Boyfriend is the kind of game that absolutely needs an original soundtrack and by God did Alex create an incredible one. The themes, the motifs, the fine details. She has put so much thought and hard work into the music of this game. I have no idea how she does it. It’s magical to me. It adds so much to the game and heightens the emotion by tenfold, and I can’t wait for you to hear each song—from “Let It Slide” to “Swan Song” to the full band performance of the alma mater and that final song in the credits. Every single song brims with Alex’s talent, passion, and hard work.

And honestly, I am blessed to have her as my sister and my best friend. Thank you, Alex, for sharing this journey with me.

One talent my sister and I do not share between us is digital art. We write, we program, she composes…but sprites, CGs, backgrounds, GUI? That’s not something we can do. So we commissioned artists we found on Lemmasoft Forum and I’m so grateful to have found them when we did.

Bunny, our background artist, created the entire world of Band Camp Boyfriend! She worked with us closely to make sure the details were right and was so sweet. It was so cool to be able to move around the world she created and help capture the shots that we wanted. Potouto (now Khoaisama) was also wonderful to work with. She is so full of talent and creates amazing, unique GUI for many different visual novels! Also, I love her enthusiasm. And our chibi artist, Mayunnaise, has created some of the most adorable chibis I’ve ever seen! Thank you all!

I want to say a special thanks to Flora, our sprite/CG artist who was so incredible to work with. She was patient, devoted, talented, and granted us art even better than we imagined…seriously, I would lose my mind over everything she sent us…but one of the best things we attained on this journey was certainly her friendship. Flora, you are a fantastic human being with a wonderful sense of humor! I’m glad you will finally, finally get to see your stunning art in action. Thank you for sticking with us as we kept spinning in circles. “Okay last round of CGs…actually, can you do one more round? Actually, just one more CG. I swear this time it’s the last one, I swear!” She also needs to be commended for her dedication to nailing all the detail on the instruments. That’s not easy to do. Flora, you rock. I hope you love the game.

Next, our stunning voice cast. They brought these characters to life in a way no one else could, better than we ever could have envisioned. Seriously. Their talent made me love these characters even more, which I didn’t realize was possible. I’m sorry for making you all wait for the game so long and I’m thankful you continued to reprise your roles throughout the years when we asked for more lines. Joe, Jonathan, Wish, Jared, Richard, Joseph, Mark, Emily, Melody, Daisy, Daniel, Lasli, Angelo, Riley, Sara, and Steve…thank you from the bottom of my heart for lending us your incredible talents. You are all spectacular voice actors and lovely people.

And I could never forget my fantastic friends who helped beta test the game! Becca, Karen, Kristin, Ross, Chris! Thank you all for lending your time and for being my friends through thick and thin. You each brought your own talents to testing and really helped me to clean up the game. Ross the genius also helped with programming and I am extremely grateful to him and his brilliant mind! Programming the Extras menu was no small feat and I don’t think we could have done it on our own and still met our deadline. Thank you so much for offering your time and working so hard.

We are sorry to cast, crew, and fans that creating the game took so long. This is a hobby and a passion rather than our full-time jobs, and you only have so much time for hobbies as an adult. Life can easily get in the way and we certainly faced our fair share of life changes and hurdles these past 8 years. We often beat ourselves up for not finishing the game in 2020 as we had initially hoped, but I believe this is what was meant to be. The game only got better. Some of the early story decisions make me cringe. Some of the writing I revisited was written by someone with less life experience and a bit tone-deaf on real issues so I was able to fix it. Most importantly, a final route (which was previously going to be DLC for later on) was added and wraps up the game wonderfully. Band Camp Boyfriend was meant to be released in 2023.

I want to thank both of my parents for their unending support through it all. Our dad helped us with the business side of things, getting the game copyrighted, and the joy of taxes. He wholeheartedly supports us in whatever we do, though he is a tad skeptical that a game called Band Camp Boyfriend will sell many copies…so we’re gonna surprise him, right guys? :)

As for my mom…I owe the fact that the game is finally on the cusp of being released to her. She has been our biggest supporter and fan. She has spent hours helping us program and running tests on the game. Until the very last minute, she scraped through the game to make sure there was no crashing. Before that, around two years ago, she sat me down and asked what she could do to help see this special game finally become a reality. It was a major turning point and we owe her so much. Her love of the game kept us going.

Love you both more than words can say. <3

Finally, I want to thank all of the people who have contributed to the wonderful memories and hilarious quotes that have found their way into Band Camp Boyfriend. The three different marching bands I was lucky to be apart of. And to my favorite, hilarious band director and my wise, gentle French horn teacher, who are no longer of this world…thank you for fostering in me a strong love for music, for seeing a talent in me that I couldn’t always see, and for building me into a stronger person. You both left this life too soon, but your impact in so many lives remains. I wish I could show you the game Alex and I created, the game that you helped inspire, and make you smile one more time.

I know some people will look at the hokey title and think it’s just another dating sim, just another gimmicky game, but to some of you, I hope it will be much more than that. As it is to me. It brims with a life of experiences. But not just mine—I’m sure so many of us who have worn a marching band uniform have had the same experiences. And through these experiences, we are connected.

I’ll say it once again, even though it won’t be the last time you hear this: Thank you for playing Band Camp Boyfriend. I dearly, truly hope you love it. I hope the game makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you cry, and I hope you carry the characters, their lessons, and their story in your heart long after you get that final CG. I’ve carried Band Camp Boyfriend with me for almost eight years; I am so ready to share it with you.

See you at band camp.

-Taylor

[fedor-bortnik-fmp]

M1A Rifle. Progress. Part 1.

I started modelling the M1A SOCOM 16 rifle - and I began with the low poly.

I started the work by refining the references I had - I noticed that the quality resolution was off, so I decided to look for more on the internet.

While collecting typical sets of image references, I figured that they had quite a poor resolution, because of which it was impossible to see how the weapon was constructed. I decided to give it a try and look for various 3D models of the rifle and found some interesting works by Jared Nelson (2017), and Luchador (2018). While my classmates suggested I not rely on the works of others (since others could have messed up the details of the real item that they were modelling), I still decided to occasionally refer to these models in cases where I would not know how specific details are constructed. One of my classmates even suggested I to visit auction websites, where weapon auctioneers would sometimes post the item's images in great detail. It's an interesting source for references, which I was not aware of prior.

Finally, I have also used a World Of Guns video game as an one extra source of reference, since the weapon models in that game were made by enthusiasts who would do a lot of research for every kind of weapon they make.

While having digital examples - they are not my final examples, as I am not trying to copy from them, but only trying to observe tricky areas, which would have been hard to create due to the quality of the images. In the future, provided time - I should refrain from such practices and obtain better references by either creating a concept art, which is based on many images - or by physically finding the original items (by attending museums and such).

I started to work on the rifle. The first thing I usually do when I begin the project is that place the flat reference of an asset behind the actual work: So that I could easily maintain the proportions and such during the work.

During the low-poly stage I don't do any modifiers, since for now my objective would be to create an essential mesh that would capture all the necessary details that I need: All the holes, dents or shapes. This is an important stage since later on I will build a proper topology on top of a low poly mesh in order for the modifiers to work.

In the beginning, I do not exactly care for the structure of edges or verts unless I need that for a proper look, or for the modifiers to work properly. The reason I do not worry about the topology is simply because at this stage of production, it is very easy to edit the flow of topology with knives, and modelling tools (like extrusion, bevel, loop cuts and so on). Plus at the beginning, the shape of the model can drastically change as you add new details to the object.

For example: I have created a very primitive model of a receiver for the rifle - it had horrible topology, and I decided to do it later since I was not finished with the part. Later on, as I revisited the references - I noticed that the back part of the receiver was not symmetrical. Thankfully the topology was a bare minimum, because of which it was very easy to adjust the verts on the asset.

I had a bit of a struggle with understanding how the front sight of the Garand rifle was manufactured - so I decided to check out the detailed model of the weapon in World of Guns: Gun Disassembly ( Noble Empire Corp., 2014). By using such a reference I realised that the sight is not welded into the receiver of the gun, so I could get away with modelling the part separately.

References:

sketchfab.com. (2017). Springfield M1A Socom 16 - 3D model by Jared Nelson (@jjnelson). [online] Available at: https://sketchfab.com/3d-models/springfield-m1a-socom-16-d71ba145a3c14ee2a29fa04d49ffa4c7 [Accessed 3 Jul. 2024].

sketchfab.com. (2018). M1A Rifle - 3D model by Luchador (@Luchador90). [online] Available at: https://sketchfab.com/3d-models/m1a-rifle-2cbf09d6aa7d40a4b97a5a6dad0719a3 [Accessed 3 Jul. 2024].

MidwayUSA. (n.d.). Springfield Armory M1A SOCOM 16 Semi-Auto Rifle 308 Winchester 16.25. [online] Available at: https://www.midwayusa.com/product/1021001795?pid=536057 [Accessed 6 Jul. 2024]..

Invlktus (2023). Socom 16 - Old school cool. [online] Available at: https://www.reddit.com/r/M1A/comments/15rd3r3/socom_16_old_school_cool/ [Accessed 6 Jul. 2024]..

OutdoorHub. (n.d.). John F. Kennedy’s 1959 M1 Garand Up for Auction. [online] Available at: https://www.outdoorhub.com/news/2015/08/05/john-f-kennedys-1959-m1-garand-auction/ [Accessed 6 Jul. 2024]..

www.provenoutfitters.com. (n.d.). Springfield Armory M1ATM SOCOM 16 Rifle - Firstline. [online] Available at: https://www.provenoutfitters.com/m1a-socom-16-rifle-firstline [Accessed 6 Jul. 2024].

Noble Empire Corp (2014) World of Guns: Gun Disassembly [Video Game] Noble Empire Corp. Available at: https://store.steampowered.com/app/262410/World_of_Guns_Gun_Disassembly/ [Accessed 6 Jul. 2024].

[thebusinessmagnate]

Ben Kaufman: Redefining Children’s Lives with Retail and Play Hybrid-Experience at CAMP

Toys! Who stops liking them, right? Toys can be anything, from Anime Figurines to Lego sets, from Gameboys to Action Figures of your favorite star, from Art Materials to Puzzles, from Board Games to Remote-Controlled Cars. There exists a plethora of games and toys for all ages. No one is too old to have a kiddish side to themselves. You would always have a little part of your childishness in your adult selves. I mean, I still have my action figures, safely protected behind a glass, and I barely take it out as it’s a rare piece. But my point is, that nobody is too young or too old for Soft Plushies, the Arcade, Crossword Puzzles, and PlayStation Portables. 

As we get older, toys seem to have less importance in our lives, and understandably so. We spend time with our families, siblings, friends, or even strangers for that matter. When we are with our loved ones, there are surely times when the kids are eager to play and take part in some physical activities that are just fun, relaxing, invigorating, refreshing, and engaging. This can help all the members of the family to bond, build, and strengthen their relationships with one another. 

Family time is extremely important. Spending time with families the right way can turn out to be very fun. A picnic at the park, family shopping, solving puzzles at the kitchen table during breakfast with the family, and playing a board game together can be a nice way to end the day.  Places like Disney World, National Zoos, Underwater Parks, and Aquarium, are some family-friendly themed vacations and trips. These places allow families to play and physically experience their destinations as well as have online e-commerce retail stores for purchasing merchandise and souvenirs. 

Since these games, toys, and themed destinations are children’s dreams and are loved by even adults, we will be talking about one such entrepreneur who co-founded a startup venture turned company, that allows retail shopping as well as has in-store play experience of mini-themed interactive attractions. A family-friendly company called – CAMP, co-founded by Ben Kaufman is a Family Experience Company – “creating playful and meaningful moments for families everywhere”, and is redefining children’s lives for the better.

About the Co-Founder – Ben Kaufman of CAMP:

The person who co-founded CAMP is Ben Kaufman. An innovative, creative, practical, free-spirited person who was always on his feet and had his thinking wheels running in his brain. Being someone who was always creating things, Ben has founded many companies and brands, such as – Mophie, Quirky, and CAMP. He was also the Chief Marketing Officer at BuzzFeed. Although Ben isn’t the CEO of CAMP anymore, he remains on the Board of Directors and is a CAMP Counselor. Ben Kaufman co-founded CAMP alongside his wife – Nikki Kaufman – the Chief People Officer, in the year 2018. 

As a father, Ben and his wife – Nikki, used to search for fun activities to do together. Wanting to make CAMP a national player as soon as the business was launched, he saw a future where this retail chain store would go well with the modern digital age. Offering attractions, experiences, and just a fun time for children and their families, CAMP took off garnering attention from its target audiences right away.

About CAMP:

CAMP was co-founded by Ben Kaufman in the year 2018 alongside his wife – Nikki Kaufman. The company has its headquarters established in New York, in the United States of America. It has physical retail branch chains in other regions of the US, such as – Dallas, Connecticut, Washington DC, Chicago, Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Boston. CAMP has made its digital retail platform available and accessible by anyone and everyone as it is “powered by the people”, without whom nothing would be possible. 

Base Camp, Toy Lab Camp, Travel Camp, and Cooking Camp, are some of the themed attractions at their physical retail store branches. Their online e-commerce platform also sells tickets and toys for all ages – infants to adults. Providing children and their families with a hybrid experience and several diversified activities that are fun and engaging, CAMP – a Family Experience Company would be the next famous toy store, the go-to happy store for all. Ben Kaufman says that if CAMP gives families a good reason to come out of their houses, then he knows he’s doing his job in helping parents and children make more memories that they will cherish forever.

Visit More : https://thebusinessmagnate.com/ben-kaufman-redefining-childrens-lives-with-retail-and-play-hybrid-experience-at-camp/

[heshemejoshi]

i’m starting to learn i may never be free but

[comicaurora]

How old were you when you decided to start taking Aurora seriously? ("taking seriously" as in, deciding to start making it a comic, and putting work into making it come to life rather than it just be a dream project or a fun thought)

File dates indicate I first started drawing proper test pages for the comic at the very beginning of 2018 (a random snippet of a very early draft of Dainix's intro arc, just to get a feel for the comic tools in CSP) although I remember I had drawn up some short experimental intro comics probably as early as 2016, and I had full digital illustrations of some of the characters in my college application portfolio around 2013-2014, although I don't think any of those made it onto my current computer.

I started on the proper comic, like the actual illustrated pages that made it onto the site, in march of 2019, but it seems like I created those files as early as october of 2017, so it's possible I was playing with the sketch of the first chapter pretty dang early.

It's a little tricky to answer this question, because the very first form this story took was comics I drew in my old sketchbooks, so there was never a time when I didn't want to make it exist in some comic-shaped form. Initially I just wanted to make a story for me to read, because I was very bored and hungry for fantasy that wasn't boring, depressing or both. But somewhere along the line it occurred to me that I could make something other people would want to read too. I don't know exactly when I made that switch - I suspect it was fairly early in the process, because due to who I am as a person I have a very strong urge to share what I make. For me, just making the thing wasn't enough - I got so much more energy from showing it to people and discussing it with them than just drawing it for myself. I got zero interest or positive feedback from my peers in middle school and quickly resolved not to share anything until I was certain it was good, which in hindsight was a maladaptive attempt to avoid being bullied by people who, shockingly, didn't actually determine their bullying schedule off any internal logic I could work around. But it did motivate me to practice a lot and branch out artistically in directions that had previously not interested me. Having a distant but attainable end goal was exactly the kind of carrot on a stick I needed to lure my baby ADHD brain into actually sticking with something for a change.

At this stage I'd say it was firmly "I want to do this someday." Not because it wasn't practical or realistic, but because I wasn't ready. That's how it was through most of high school, though after I got my first drawing tablet and began exploring digital art around 2012-2013, things went from "it'd be cool someday" to "I have the tools I need to do this as soon as I'm ready." After that I started playing with drawing programs, acclimating to the weird experience of using a drawing tablet instead of pencil on paper, and even toying with a little simple cel animation with the built-in bare-bones app that came with my tablet.

The idea of drawing the illustrations for the videos I was starting to do came from the same impulse - I wanted to get better at digital art, and needed to in order to make the comic a viable possibility. Again, it let me trick my brain into focusing on getting really good at something, which was a practice I'd never been able to sustain for long without a concrete end goal in mind. Sticking with something for its own sake didn't work - I needed that delicious dopamine feedback to keep me going, and the constant rush of "I'm getting better at this and that's getting me closer to this thing I really really want" apparently did the trick.

But I actually think this is around where I started faltering - late high school and very early college, so like 2012-2014. Aurora was the first big writing project I'd ever really loved, and I knew from experience that first writing projects were usually bad. They were valuable for skill-building and refinement, but were they actually worth showing to anyone? Plus my notes/timeline file had gotten really massive and unwieldy at this point, and playing with the cast and story was turning into a chore of continuity rather than a fun exercise. It was getting bloated - rather than making the story go anywhere I was just adding little bits onto it every time they occurred to me. Every cool idea I was having had to be mashed into this one world I was playing with, and I worried it was getting out of hand. So I dropped it for over a year and spent my time playing with an urban fantasy ghost story concept instead. That got far enough in development that I still have a saved color swatch for it.

I played with it and built it out and felt more serious and cool with this Edgy Dark Adventure with a psychopomp vs an immortal witch vampire and a wild cast of colorful supporting weirdos, and then I realized I was really bored. Once again I'd built a cast of characters without a plot to actually use them, only this time they weren't even characters I particularly liked.

So I tentatively went back to Aurora. I think this can't have been much before 2014, but I'm not certain on that. And with the benefit of a year's time on the backburner, I'd boiled it down to the core elements I really liked and rendered out all the filler and padding I'd stuffed it full of back when I was just using it to store every cool idea and character I had. I was relieved to know that this story and cast of characters I liked so much was turning out to be actually worth exploring, and I went a lot harder on the worldbuilding and establishing an actual set of arcs and plots to keep the characters engaged and occupied by an interesting diversity of setpieces, side characters and events.

By early college (2014-2015) I think I was back in the swing of things, determined to actually make the comic happen (once I was ready and good enough, natch) and enthused about rewriting the basic arcs and beats from scratch rather than touching that bloated timeline file I'd abandoned a year earlier. By junior year (2017) I have a distinct memory of doodling out the first designs for Tynan in my Greek Thought And Lit course, which is a pretty good indicator that I was getting committed to the granular parts of the story.

It wasn't until after I graduated in 2018 that I really started thinking about, you know. actually doing it. not someday, now. I was free from school and mentally decompressing from a decade and a half of nonstop stress and pressure, the channel had hit its first major jump and was actually making us a proper living so I didn't need to pivot to a job hunt like I'd feared, and if I didn't bite the bullet and start immediately I would probably just keep procrastinating it out of a mounting sense of guilt and insecurity until I couldn't bear to look at it again. Sure, I could still get better, but at that point I'd done enough headfirst dives into the unknown to conclude that it is literally impossible to fully prepare for something before you experience it for the first time. If I kept waiting until I felt ready, I would never start. So that's around when I started looking into building the site, drawing up the first three chapters and going from there. Sometimes you gotta say "fuck it", push yourself off the diving board and hope you figure something out before you hit the water.

[moorheadthanyoucanhandle]

HIGH TIMES

Out this week on digital...

Fall--There's an old quote on the art of dramatic writing, attributed to everybody from George Abbott to George M. Cohan to Vladimir Nabokov to Stephen Spielberg: "Get your hero up a tree; throw stones at him; then get him down." The formula has rarely been followed with such dogged literalism as in this grueling but annoying thriller by the Brit Scott Mann, from a script he wrote with Jonathan Frank.

After suffering a horrible loss in a mountain climbing tragedy, Becky (Grace Caroline Currey) retreats into alcohol and isolation; her friend Hunter (Virginia Gardner) takes to performing daredevil risks and posting the videos online. A year after the disaster, in hopes of getting Becky out of her funk, Hunter talks her into joining her in climbing an insanely high old radio tower in the California desert. They don't take any food with them, because, of course, they'll be back down the rusty rickety ladder in time for lunch.

It need hardly be said that Becky and Hunter get stranded on the small platform at the top. They have no cell phone service; nobody is expecting them, and every effort they make to signal for help gets foiled. They're up there for days, getting hungrier and more desperate, and interpersonal secrets begin to emerge. Also, vultures start to strafe them, which I think is ornithologically libelous.

Heights are high on my regrettably long list of phobias, so this one was hardship duty for me. It's in that genre of "trapped in an inescapable situation" movies like 2010's Buried, or 2013's All is Lost, or Hitchcock's 1944 Lifeboat. But Fall strained both plausibility and patience for me. Really? No food? Not even a granola bar or a Slim Jim? I realize these are supposed to be reckless Gen-Z adrenalin junkies, but would they truly not tell anyone what they were doing or how long they planned to be gone?

Even if you accept this, though, the arrogance and emptiness of the project itself left me out of sympathy with our heroines. In 2018, I felt a similar exasperation with the (Oscar-winning) documentary Free Solo, about Alex Hannold's efforts to free-climb El Capitan in Yosemite. Of Hannold's almost superhuman physical prowess and mental discipline there could be no doubt, but the "because it is there" achievement seemed to me unworthy of the risk he was taking. I just kept thinking "who's going to tell his Mom?" Various of my friends and family members have looked at me with barely-concealed pitying scorn for this view and the puniness of my spirit it undoubtedly reveals.

Nonetheless, I felt doubly that way about the freakin' radio tower. Currey and Gardner are both lively and bright--too bright for how imbecilic the script makes them--so I couldn't help but hope that they would get down safe; my aggravation was with the movie itself and its contrivances. Watching it didn't feel like getting sucked into a thriller; it felt like being imposed upon, deliberately inconvenienced.

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Smut Recs: Magic Sex Toys

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here. Players could opt in to an additional suit of 13 cards, all themed around various popular smut tropes.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 Beautifully Unbound by breath_of_mine (tsundanire) Rated:  Explicit Words:  54933 Tags: Post-Hogwarts, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Minor Blaise Zabini/Narcissa Malfoy, BDSM, Praise Kink, Dom/sub, Subspace, Safewords, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Blindfolds, Impact Play, Spanking, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Mental Health Issues, Therapy, Consensual Kink, Light Bondage, Angst, Holidays, Young Teddy Lupin, Mystery, Auror Harry Potter, Accidental Bonding, Bonding, H/D Erised 2018, Community: hd_erised, POV Alternating, Telepathic Bond, Gay Male Character, Bisexual Male Character, Dom Draco Malfoy, Sub Harry Potter, Bearded Harry Potter, Dirty Talk, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Gloves, Massage, Sex Toys, Mistletoe, Family Dinners, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s) Summary:  Auror Potter is sent on a mission to clear out deadly artifacts from a Death Eater Safehouse with Draco Malfoy. What could possibly go wrong? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Three Wishes by PalenDrome (nerdherderette) Rated:  Explicit Words:  10161 Tags: Fairy Tale Elements, Fairy Godparents, Wish Fulfillment, Explicit Sexual Content, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, Hand Jobs, Butt Plugs, Sex Toys, Implied Switching, Light Angst, Humor, Fluff and Crack, Confessions, Auror Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic Employee Draco Malfoy, Be Careful What You Wish For, Thirsty Draco Malfoy, POV Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, H/D Sex Fair 2020 Summary:  Draco meets his fairy godmother and is granted three wishes. Unfortunately, they all keep coming back to the same thing. [excerpt]: Pop! "Oh, wow," Vince says, and is that sarcasm Draco hears? "I never saw that coming." "What?" Draco opens his eyes. He's prepared for the theatrics of the puffs of smoke—Vince, despite the sudden career change, was never blessed with an overactive imagination—but what he was not prepared for was the sight of Harry Potter, bare-chested and dressed in arseless chaps, his hands bound and mouth wrapped around a ball gag while lying face down on Draco's sofa. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Four Ds of Apparition (or: Destination, Determination, Deliberation, and Dicks)  by eidheann, firethesound Rated:  Explicit Words:  36638 Tags: Apparition, Dick JokesAurors, St Mungo's Hospital, Acronyms, Sex Toys, Crude political statements, Inappropriate use of office equipment, Inappropriate use of shoe boxes, Inappropriate use of hats, Misuse of national anthems, Obscene floral arrangements, Seamus's sticking charms, Dicks, cocks, Penises, Willies, Pricks, Phalluses, Comedically large numbers of unattached dicks Summary:  After transferring to the Apparition Department, Harry's life becomes one big dick joke. And all his friends are arseholes. So is Malfoy, but what else is new? AKA Harry Potter and the eighteen twenty dicks. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 in advance  by M0stlyVoid Rated:  Explicit Words:  3563 Tags: Wax Play, Kink Exploration, Safe Sane and Consensual, Gags, Bondage, Blow Jobs, Kink Negotiation, Dom/sub, Dom Harry Potter, Sub Draco Malfoy, Shibari Summary:  Draco's been scared of fire since the Battle of Hogwarts. Harry likes wax play. This is how they work together to face Draco's fear and get what they both want. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Have yourself a kinky little Christmas by  keyflight790, tsundanire Rated:  Explicit Words:  21433 Tags: Drarropoly: A Drarry Game/Fest, Secret Admirer, Secret Santa, 12 Days of Christmas, Consensual Kink, Other Additional Tags to Be AddedSex Toys, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexual Harry Potter, Bottom Harry Potter, Light Dom/sub, Dom/sub Undertones, Praise Kink, semi-public wanking, Aural Kink, Dirty Talk, Awkward Harry Potter, Auror Partners, Auror Harry Potter, Auror Draco Malfoy, Masturbation, Masturbation in Bathroom, Work In Progress, Angst, Mental Health Issues, Switching, Cock sleeve, instructions, Dealing with mental health, Tattoos, writing on dicks, praise!kink, non con, brief non con display of nudity, Mutual Masturbation, Public Masturbation, Loud Sex, Unaware Pansy Parkinson, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Orgasm Denial, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Public Sex, Public Nudity, Public Rimming, Sex on Ministry Time, Inappropriate Use of Ministry Time, slacking on the job, These two are so inappropriate, The Writers are having too much fun, This whole thing is NSFW, Consent, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, conversations about consent, Clearly expressed Consent, Potions, Lust Potions, Overstimulation, Orgasm Delay, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Public Hand Jobs, Public Blow Jobs, Face-Fucking, Consensual Sex, Anal Sex, Anal Play, Anal Plug, Writing with your BFF, This is what happens, Harry Deserves a Magical Ending, Draco Deserves Happiness, Dom/sub, This Fic made my life, and cleared my skin, writing this fic made me the happiest, and did my laundry, Art, Digital Art, mzuul Summary:  As the holidays loom, Harry feels the weight of everything and everyone he'd lost. Working as an Auror, while exciting hadn't filled him with the same kind of satisfaction he'd assumed it would. It takes one extremely kinky secret admirer to pull out a side of him he'd been pushing away since his youth, and actually make him want to come into work everyday. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Asking For A Friend? by RoonilWazlibMalfoy Rated:  Explicit Words:  13734 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Daily Prophet, Drag Queen Draco Malfoy, Gay Harry Potter, Size Queen Harry Potter, Post-Second War with Voldemort, Epistolary, Fluff and Smut, Sex Shop, Sex Toys, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Masturbation, Nipple Play, Nipple Clamps, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Felching, Discussions of Fisting, Gay Bar, Sex Advice Columnist Draco Malfoy, H/D Sex Fair 2020 Summary:  Asking for a friend? Don't be shy! I'm Genna Russ with advice! Draco Malfoy, drag queen and agony aunt for the Daily Prophet, is very happy with his life. He loves his job. He loves his drag queen persona. And he loves the fact that the wider Wizarding world doesn't know who is offering them sassy advice with their morning news. When he starts receiving letters from one Harry Potter – letters that are too racy to publish – he does the only thing he can do: he replies. His carefully constructed secret life is at risk of being blown wide open, but he just can't help himself. Draco never did have any self-control where the Prat Who Lived was concerned. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Ligabus Filium by Tessa Crowley (tessacrowley) Rated:  Explicit Words:  41534 Tags: Post-Deathly Hallows, HP: EWE, BDSM, Top Harry Potter, Dom Harry Potter, Bottom Draco, Sub Draco Malfoy, Virgin Draco Malfoy, Whipping, Riding Crops, Gags, Dildos, Creative use of Time Turners, Creative use of Howlers, Creative use of Amortentia, Listen it's the running theme of the story ok, it's filthy bdsm smut what do you want Summary:  It should be careful, deliberate, but it isn't. Like every other part of their relationship, it happens gradually and then all at once, before they even realize it. And when the little blue threads bind them together, there's no going back. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Obsessions Release by katie_delaney Rated:  Explicit Words:  27783 Tags: Deepthroating, Dom Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Dancing, Breathplay, BDSM, First Time Summary:  Harry is convinced Draco has given him a love potion, on confronting him he is forced to face an inconvenient truth about himself. Will be very smutty/moderate bdsm, tame in first chapter. Warnings for breathplay. Set during the Half Blood Prince through to the end of the Deathly Hallows. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 in the flesh by M0stlyVoid Rated:  Explicit Words:  1462 Tags: Masturbation, Accidental Voyeurism, Roommates, Sex Toys, Loud Sex, Anal Sex, Dirty Talk, idiots to lovers, Denial of Feelings Summary:  Draco really should have knocked. He's really glad he didn't. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 You Make it Hurt So Good by bangyababy Rated:  Explicit Words:  1938 Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Daddy Kink, Spanking, Anal Fingering, Sex Toys, Magical Sex Toys, Punishment, Dirty Talk, Light Dom/sub, Dom Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, Safe Sane and Consensual, a bit of fluff at the end Summary:  “Harry,” he said, a clear warning. “What are you going to do about it, Daddy?” Draco is in a bad mood. Harry knows just how to draw him out. ❤️ Read on AO3

[fanartfunart]

My art progression as showcased through dragons as I avoid doing schoolwork:

2014: I had recently received a digital tablet. Promptly made drawings of long-haired people from behind because I hated drawing humans, and also loved backgrounds and animals more. I do everything on one layer because I’m a child who just transferred over from paper. Probably didn’t even know what a layer was. I exclusively drew dragons (and most everything) in profile. 8/10: I actually had awesome style as a teenager and these are definitely dragons. Storytelling also on point. Everything is a little stiff though.

(cont. under cut)

2014 (part 2): A gigantic leap as I figure out how the heck to color digitally in a way that’s not purely airbrushing everything in. Bright colors show up. I still draw humans flat and as minor details. Animals are still my best friends. Everything becomes absurdly long and angular for far too long starting from here. 5/10: Awkward and lanky. And my mountains got worse, lost all sense of texture and style. There’s no emotion.

2015: Everything is fuzzy. I am obsessed with trying to capture texture but I’m also a teenager and do not know how to capture texture. I also discovered the beauty of making OCs that have weird weird colors and designs. Background creatures remain to be weird sketchy things because I still don’t use base sketches for backgrounds. 3/10: proportions got weird again and the wings are a gigantic downgrade from 2014 me.

2015 (part 2): I continue to be a teenager obsessed with texture and playing with weird settings in digital art. I learn what layers are and why they’re helpful. I exclusively use this knowledge for separating background from foreground.  1/10: He has no legs and no personality and I didn’t know what I was doing. The initial paper drawing was better.

2016: This is for a biology project where we made up our own creatures.... I personally am not sure if I count this as a dragon. I get into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, and everything becomes cute and fluffy, what can I say. I also learned I’m allowed to not use the default canvas and change it. IDK I start drawing After the Fall‘s early concept art and superhero ocs. There’s a distinct lack of normal dragons. 5/10: It feels more like Modern Me and the personality has returned, but also it’s also unsure if this counts as a dragon or a weird bat creature.

2017: I am still obsessed with my superhero ocs, but I’ve given some of them a dragon friend. I also draw almost exclusively in character-only style and the once prominent backgrounds dwindle to nothingness. dragons gain actual scale texture and I still do everything on only 2 layers. My humans are prominent but long, unusual beanpoles. 10/10: I still love this dragon baby and this is an excellent showcase of personal artistic growth. Look at his innocent little face. He’s got personality and is 100% a dragon.

2018: I begin to use layers more thoughtfully, and even tried making a “lighting” layer. I decide this is a bad idea. This marks the start of the Ombre Wings which remains present in the Daydream AU. People remain lanky and perspective is also wonky. This also marks the end of an era, as I abandon all my superheros due to my co-creator/partner dumping me. 5/10: The lighting got worse from every version before. Also all definition in my backgrounds disappeared... why.

2018 (part 2): I get a tumblr and get into Sanders Sides. I make the Daydream au. Virgil is the first non-furry dragon I make with ears??? I abandon trying to draw scale textures for working on perspective and lighting. Shading gets a little flatter again, but I’m also more mindful of actual lighting sources, so it’s forgivable. Dragons return to being Very Big in comparison to people. 8/10: Good memories. The start of an era. Most consistently I’d drawn dragons in a while at this point in time.

2019: Cartoon big eyes become the Standard.  Things have started to become very flowy and soft. I draw a lot of babies which translates to everyone becoming a bit stockier in adult versions too. (This is good because everyone stopped being weirdly long). I add sprinkles of scale-shading back in. Looking back, claws begin to be more paw-like than actual claws in comparison to 2017′s lizard-y claws. 9/10: Designs are on Point and expressions are getting real nice. I’ve finally figured out how to lock and shade layers. Also Babies.

2020: I’ve got AtF going again, and I branch back into making non-scaled dragons. Texture is a Thing, and I make a lot of digital brushes for textures I use a lot. I start using my new coloring technique more regularly. 9/10: about the same since 2019 dragons-wise, but the process has gotten smother and faster. The point off is both an attempt at pretending to be humble while also being aware that my art will change no matter what, and I will think that is better so that potential is There (except for 2017. That’s perfection. The most adorable dragon I’ve ever drawn.)

2021: Despite the fact I’ve gotten really into DnD and despite Dragons being in the name, I have not drawn barely any DnD dragons. There are no colored dragon drawings in the first 2 months of 2021 and this is a flaw. -10/10: no dragons.

[alemanriq]

Omg why are so talented like you can literally draw anythingbdhdjs

your honor, please tell us about your journey through the world of art

Nony are you for real ahhaahhahahaah if i read this on my blog I'd think i sent it to myself or told my mom to do so 🤣🤣. Scroll a bit and see I can't even do a proper edit on my phone lmaoo.

If you're not trolling me then thank you a lot but really I'm far from being able to draw "literally anything" 😅 each day i spend on the internet i notice all the things i have yet to improve and should be exploring. Moreover seems like doing art gets harder for me with time somehow, it looked easier to switch between styles before but now it feels like a race. So I'd say I'm still barely halfway in my "art journey"...

If i were to resume how i've evolved to this point, I'd say i just have liked drawing since I've got memory...would make drawings out of all my fav cartoons and movies hahaha even my own notebook covers for school subjects...little doodles everywhere.

I was a math/science nerd too though so everyone thought i was going to become an architect or urban engineer and pushed me to go for that kind of career...my gramps was a known chemistry teacher at a very important national univ. and he died when i was like 10 so my whole family wanted me to study there..

Sadly i dropped that option in mid-preparation (even though my ranking was not bad in the exam essays) because the advisors at the career expos didn't sell it for me so I decided i didn't want to be smart anymore ahahsjskddk I love my gramps like a dad but i think he would still have been happy i decided to study graphic design instead.

I went to uni and spent like 6 yrs studying stuff i honestly have forgotten bc in the end gRaphiC dEsiGn wAsN'T mY PaSsiOn....well except for the first two years where i learned about structure and color and those basic artsy things.

By the time i was halfway of graduating (around 2012-13), my friend introduced me to tumblr, which was my first experience with blogging and attempting to do digital art (if you check my oldest posts they're either made with pencil or scanned and drawn over), also sharing stuff with random people which was so new but exciting in a way.

I got a wacom and that was the end for my traditional art skills for a while 🤣 until 2018 when i went to Toronto a couple of months to be part of a traditional animation portfolio workshop...and only then i realized that what i had learned at uni and practiced the former years had been useful, and actually understood what each excercise was for..

I've been trying to keep up with more digital techniques since then, but also trying to not leave traditional medium aside, all while juggling with work hahaha.

Sometimes i feel i don't give myself enough time to improve. I plan to become either a concept artist or storyboarder at some point and i need a proper portfolio, I feel a bit of pressure :P but oh well I'm trying to chill and focus on my jobs while i can

Remember no matter how good you think an artist is, we always will look up to someone and acknowledge we are forever learning how to art, sometimes without even knowing what we did to make a piece look good in the first place.

Thanks again for the ask! I hope to hear from you after this lol.

[fatehbaz]

Weird, eerie, uncanny ecology

--------------------------

Horror fictions are very much about ambiance, place, surroundings and environment. Sometimes this engagement with place, as in the work of China Mieville, involves the invention of new and weird topographies, while for other writers, the places described are known regions and even seemingly familiar locales. [...] It was the New England landscape, with its “vast and gloomy forests in whose perpetual twilight all terrors might well lurk” that gave birth to Edgar Allen Poe and Nathaniel Hawthorne (and surely also to Lovecraft [...]). Jeff VanderMeer openly admits the importance of the Quinta da Regaleira in Sintra, Portugal as well as the Saint Mark’s wildlife refuge in Florida as sources of inspiration. [...] The most strikingly original aspect of the best weird fiction’s expression of place is the ways in which it deforms or veers [...] our ordinary [...] ways of talking about the environment. [...] Strangely enough, though, [some] ecologically engaged critics have barely cast an eye towards this kind of writing. [...] This overlooks the functioning of explorations of place in horror. [...] Our world [is] weird, our reality horrifying. Living in the Anthropocene implies [...] that we are aware that the world has dimensions that exceed the grasp of our senses, [...] there are dimensions or depths to the real. [...] The genius of horror and the supernatural [...] is the acknowledgement of a gap between the real [existing autonomously outside of humans] and the Natural [translated and systematized by human sciences, cultural institutions]. [...]

If ecology is the study of organisms and their relations to their   environments -- relations between objects and the other objects composing places around them -- then being a realist ecologist is being sensitized to  that which not only is visible but which is also withdrawn or wholly other; that which is reality but also ungraspable within some naturalist accounts of the ambient world. [...] Re-encountering familiar scenes after having read horror is to see these scenes with heightened senses, with an awareness of straining for sight beyond sight. Thus the weird hardly leads us away from the places in which we dwell. On the contrary, it brings us back to them with x-ray attentiveness and extraordinary humility.

Brad Tabas. “Dark Places: Ecology, Place, and the Metaphysics of Horror Fiction.” Miranda. 2015.

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When would-be settlers arrive in a so-called new world land, they are disconcerted by the strangeness of what they find: impenetrable swamp-forests and unintelligible biodiversity [...]. In order to forge a future in such a land, settlers need to be able to master this space by seeing it as another kind of potential place -- “relational, rectangularised, beholden to agriculture” [...]. The transformative work of settlement involves reshaping the threatening, chaotic, destabilising and alien elements so that the place can be re-born as home: familiar, safe, controlled and controllable.[...] For this reason, settlers must also proceed by adopting an oblique angle of vision which enables them to see -- in their mind‘s eye -- their permanently situated homeland-to-be. [...] As the ecosphere in a settler place undergoes radical transformation [...] existing cultural landscapes become submerged under roads, buildings, farmlands, towns, cities and reserves [...].

In order to make their new homes in existing Indigenous homelands, settler populations induce ecological crisis by altering the environment, seeking to reproduce European geometries and ways of life. Settlers set about felling forests, draining swamps, diverting waterways and converting wetland plains to make way for pastureland and urbanisation; they divide the land into alienable parcels comprising differentated zones and categories [...] and they implace vast numbers of new plant and animal species, unleashing feral ecologies in the process. The organisms selected for introduction in so-called new world palces are those deemed “familiar,” “useful,” “missing,” and “missed” (McDowall) and they are intended to replace the “monstrous” creature that already populate these places [...]. Despite efforts to elongate or stretch it to fit over the place, short settler history is undone by longer Indigenous histories, revealing the doubleness or splitness of the place [...]. Anamorphosis, then, is profoundly a perspectival mode of settlement, and it accentuates the discontinuity, defamiliarisation and decomposition associated with founding a so-called new world place. It signals doubt and disturbance and it is not controllable as a trick of the artist’s trade or as a fashionable perversion or contrived effect or matter of cunning or virtuosity. Rather, it is a distortion that is experienced in intermittent and profoundly vertiginous ways by settler culture. For settler populations, the horror of settlement is to be returned to a state of freefall, with the solid ground of the settler endeavour shearing away or appearing to disappear.

In such moments, the settler nation emerges as a fantasy or absurdity or spectral “non-place”; cataclysm is revealed as a permanent half-state; settlement becomes disintegration.

Anna Boswell. “Anamorphic Ecology, or the Return of the Possum.” Transformations. 2018.

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It disturbs the very idea of what it means to be local, to be accustomed to and understand one’s environment. [...] The multifarious texture of home, or locality, is itself an abstraction. Morton writes that ‘The wet stuff falling on my head in Northern California in early 2011, could have been an effect of the tsunami churning up La Nina in the Pacific’, and heavy rain ‘simply a local manifestation of some vast entity that I’m unable directly to see’ (2010: 52). This vastly interconnected way of reading the environment intensifies dark ecology’s bid to render landscape and resources as systemic, complex, and in-process, as well as variously connected to human being. It also problematizes views of the environment that make it originary (how one might mischaracterise national parklands as ‘raw  nature’ for example, when in fact it has been changing and settling for many thousands of years), pristine (when in fact it includes much that is dirty and violent), or separate (when we are already breathing it, when it exists as much in our gut microbiome as it does in the protected Grand Canyon) [...]. No longer capable of the ‘man-in-space’ postmodernism of the 1980s, we are aware of ourselves now as deeply enmeshed in the processes we consume[...], resulting art forms attempt to approach flattening ontologies: local with universal, humans with objects, quark with mountain.

Danielle Barrios-O’Neill and Michael Collins. “At Home with the Weird.” Revenant. 2018.

-----------------------

For Fisher, the eerie is something altogether more abstract and strange than that of the weird in the way the eerie concerns itself with the presence or absence of something, and such places (or non-places) are often where there is an absence of humanity, or where there is something or some agency at work that is just beyond our realm of understanding: “The eerie concerns the most fundamental metaphysical questions one could pose, questions to do with existence and non-existence.” As such, the eerie “is constituted by a failure of absence or by a failure of presence. The sensation of the eerie occurs either when there is something present where there should be nothing, or is there nothing present when there should be something.” [...] On a material level, the eerie is often not located in the humanistic confines and locales of the family and home. Often, it is located in marginal spaces, in landscapes, sites, and structures where there is either a distinct lack of human presence, or there was once a human activity which has since disappeared. Various ruins, such as [...] ancient sites [...], to more modern locations such as abandoned buildings and houses underline several aspects to the eerie, as the failure of presence that is the absence of humanity almost certainly leads to various forms of speculation as to the source of said absence. [...] More importantly, Fisher asserts that the eerie turns on the issues of agency in the way that:

It is about the forces that govern our lives and the world […] In the case of the failure of absence, the question concerns the existence of agency as such. Is there a deliberative agent here at all? Are we being watched by an entity that has not yet revealed itself? In the case of the failure of presence, the question concerns the particular nature of the agent at work. We know that Stonehenge has been erected, so the questions of whether there was an agent behind its construction or not does not arise; what we have to reckon with are the traces of a departed agent  whose purposes are unknown. [...]

Non-places refer to capitalist and technological sites [...] that, while having a human presence through that of work or transit, are a-historical, non-relational and lack any definitive connections with their locale. Augé sites non-places as spaces of   transit or temporary waiting and congregation -- shopping malls, business parks and corporation “campuses”, motorways, roundabouts, carparks, and hotels – all places that give a semblance of seamless connectivity and ease of movement. From an architectural and organizational viewpoint however, non-places are considered sterile and affectless, exuding an overriding sameness [...]. Through their overriding spatial conformity, and the mechanical nature they invoke in the individual towards consumerism and social control, non-places invoke forms of eerie alienation upon the body in that they allow the individual to psychologically disconnect, to drift in an aesthetically impoverished landscape and the seeming absence of presence.

Bob Cluness. "I am an other and I always was…" On the Weird and Eerie in Contemporary and Digital Cultures. University of Iceland MA Thesis. 2019.

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Unlike the sublime, with its axiomatic relationship with nature and its place in a history of “the outdoors,” the uncanny is more readily associated with anti-natural concerns - degrees of deadness; animated corpses, ghosts, and artificial beings; dolls, automatons, and doubles. [...] Modern shopping malls that replicate identical layouts [...] right down to the pearly patina of the laminex on the bench-tops. The placelessness of trading zones is particularly insidious because of the recurrent [...] acts of consumption such spaces are styled to bring about. Generica: a neologism adapted to describe the urbanity of middle America, structure by the uniform architecture and visual parroting of Wal/Marts, Apple/bees, Best/Buys, Starb/ucks, and Borders. [...]. This doubling of place not only arouses the unnerving suspicions -- “I’ve been here  before,” and “am I here, or am I in fact elsewhere?” – but additionally reaffirms the underlying unnaturalness of all place-based experience. The local is eerie on account of it being familiar. In other words, it is precisely because the local is “homely” that it is capable of being shot-through with the “unhomely.” The uncanny exists because there is an environment. [...] As multinational corporations seek to comfort and disarm through their “commonplace” design, they also run the risk that such places become indirectly disturbing in their duplication. Things are ambiguous where there is too much multivalent, ambient information coming in from all angles.

Human-animal-machine. Everywhere-anywhere-nowhere. Alive-dead-simulant. Evolve-devolve-mutate.

Rebecca Giggs. “The Rise of the Edge.” Draft. 2010.

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[3pirouette]

Fic: Iterate (1/1)

Title: Iterate By: TriplePirouette/3Pirouette Spoilers: Up through Endgame. Disclaimer: They're not mine. Word Count: 2953 Distribution: AO3 Anyone else please ask first :)

Summary: Steve lived through the 21st century twice, the second time hurt much more than the first.

A/N: I literally made myself cry today on the way to work while I was working this out in my head. It was SUPPOSED to be FLUFFY. I’m not exactly why I decided on this format, all I know is that it felt right. I hope you enjoy. Steggy is just mentioned, more Steve-centric. 

It was supposed to be a stupid, fluffy story about Old Steve living with his granddaughter and being a LITTLE SHIT to her all the time because he’s 100% comfortable with modern things and it drives her nuts. I’m sorry.

Also, please pay attention to vague time stamps. Certain details are changed for impact. Hence, AU (Even though I FULLY BELIEVE that once the stones are placed back there is only ONE main timeline where Steve lived, was Peggy’s husband, and that’s how he showed up at the end of Endgame. Fight me.)

AND I’M SORRY.

~*~ October 2023

He supposed he’d always been waiting for this day. Steve knew he’d be around for it, one way or another. At least, he’d always assumed that, though he’d thought he’d experience it in a very, very different way.

He didn’t know the exact time, just a vague recollection that it was early afternoon, that there had been sunlight they’d blocked out with the blast shields, that they’d tried to eat lunch but they were all too nervous.

Funny. Same thing happened to him today. He couldn’t manage to get anything to slide down past the lump in his throat, couldn’t fill his stomach to calm the butterflies. He tried coffee first. It was warm and robust but had no effect.

He pulled out the tin from the back of the cabinet and made a cup of tea from one of the few remaining bags there. He sipped it and imagined Peggy sitting across from him, telling him off for using old tea that would be bitter and teasing him for how much sugar he put in it.

He drank a beer and wished to god that he had just one flask of whatever it was Thor used to carry around. He needed something to calm his nerves.

He caught his reflection in the window over the sink. For just the briefest second he saw his young self, so broken by so much, not knowing that today would be the day he’d be put to his greatest test. But the sun shifted and he could see every wrinkle in the refection, every grey hair, the haziness to his eyes that the doctor said was the beginning of cataracts.

A lifetime ago this day had changed everything for him without him knowing. Today, he was just as eager for the moment when Banner would put on that glove, this time for very different reasons.

~*~

In the end, Steve Rogers managed to live a fairly normal life.

Once back with Peggy, he kept away from the spotlight. Unsure if he’d created a parallel timeline or if he was living in his own, he did his best to avoid changing things.

Because even when he wanted to change things, he realized very quickly, he couldn’t.

He became enamored with sci-fi and fantasy that included time travel, with physicists who wrote books on the subject. He wanted to understand it, to know the unknowable.

He eventually decided that he was prescribing to the Doctor Who Theory of time travel: that it was all very, very complicated but that some things, no matter what, had to just happen in their own time and some things were simply fixed and would always happen the way they were supposed to. He’d seen this first with Zola- as he’d tried to get the man and his influence away from SHIELD they only dug their heels in deeper and kept him. It was later reaffirmed when, despite every effort, The Winter Soldier escaped him and Howard and Maria were left for dead in their car, young Tony devistated.

After that day, he stopped trying so hard to avoid squishing butterflies and focused instead on enjoying what he had.

What he had was, after all, quite a lot: A wife, two young boys, and a second chance at the life he’d missed while fighting other men’s wars.

~*~

Despite knowing all that laid ahead for him and his friends in the future that was now his past and yet somehow once again his future, Steve eventually started longing for the new millennium as decades past him by. He missed the technology, the ability to have whatever kind of entertainment he waited at the tips of his fingers. Though he’d known a good portion of what would happen from history books, once he’d gone back, he’d lived an entire lifetime full of surprises, experiencing things like the moon landing and the Vietnam war first hand. But now, as he grew older and he knew his days with Peggy were numbered, he longed for the small comforts of familiarity, for e-mails and smartphones and heated steering wheels on cars that parked themselves.

As the 2000’s arrived, he felt himself get more and more comfortable with the things around him: the news, the events he’d already experienced once and would again in a different way. It felt good to feel at least on solid ground with the world around him, knowing what was to come for him.

His home was lonely after Peggy was gone, and he made his only granddaughter an offer she couldn’t refuse: free room and board if she helped him keep up the house. An elementary school art teacher, Maggie was happy to step in for a little financial relief as she tried to navigate the churlish economy.

If he never told her that he was perfectly capable of taking care of the house by himself, it didn’t quite matter. The company was more than enough. And if when she smiled she looked just a little like her namesake and it warmed his heart… well, that wasn’t a bad thing, either.

The best part, he’d found though, was that it was hilariously funny to drive his granddaughter crazy. He’d lived through the early decades of the 21st century as a young man. He’d learned how to navigate the internet, interface with the most complicated technology there was to offer, and listened to music that wouldn’t be written for years to come. He loved watching her face as he sang along to Billie Eilish on the radio or realize that she didn’t have to explain to him how to use an iPad or Facetime.

~*~

She yelled at him the first snowfall. Skidded her car (all-wheel drive, thank goodness he’d convinced her to get the newest model) into the freshly shoveled driveway and tore out of the driver’s seat, yelling at him a mile a minute.

They’ll think I’m some kind of self-centered princess letting a centenarian shovel this and try to kill himself!  She’d yelled, trying to take the shovel from his hands.

He was still stronger than he should be, and held his ground. I don’t want you hurting yourself on this stuff.

Me? She’s screeched, and he’d laughed. He couldn’t help but smile and find her concern at least a little comical. Deep down he understood, knew that he should be trying to sell his age a little more, be trying to hide that he was still strong and fast and in better shape than some of his middle-aged neighbors.

As much as he’d like to push her off, tell her to go inside, he couldn’t. She wasn’t a self-centered princess, but she was his princess, and he bent to her whim like a branch in the wind. He’d kissed her on the head and finally handed her the shovel, leaving her the last bit of the path to her to clean up, and promised to take better care of himself.

She didn’t know that when she left for work, he still went down the basement and bench pressed 225 on an easy day.

~*~

She teased him about his record collection. Even though records had come back in style, she still thought it was silly to have a whole wall dedicated to them when she could access nearly all of musical history on her cell phone. He showed her his own digital playlists and popped in his airpods when he was reading sometimes, but he loved the sound the needle made when it hit the wax.

One night, when he couldn’t listen to her teasing anymore, no matter how good natured it was, he played dirty.

You know, there’s a new song coming out by one of those artists you like. WAP? Heard it’s a cover of a song your Nana and I used to dance to all the time.

Two weeks later, he heard the familiar opening bass to the song Barton had played incessantly in the gym while he was working out and had quoted for months, the song that he hadn’t been able to get away from even in the past with random phrases like macaroni in a pot popping into his head at the most inconvenient times.

Barely half a verse in she’d either shut it off or turned the music way lower. At dinner she couldn’t look at him.

That was not at cover, Pop Pop. And I don’t want to think about you and Nana like that… ever.

~*~

She cried when she came home, a year after Peggy’s death, to see Peggy’s beautiful vanity had been moved into her room, Peggy’s jewelry box on it front and center.

What did you do? She’d kept asking him, tears in her eyes.

She’d want you to have it. He knew it was the truth. He hugged her tight as she sniffed and knew he’d made the right decision. He remembered Peggy sitting with Maggie on her knee on the small stool, letting the girl paw through her necklaces and play with her big fluffy make-up brushes. Maggie reaching for her eyeshadow and Peggy deftly pulling it away. Peggy being just a little too slow with the lipstick and the toddler bouncing around the house, proudly showing off the circle on the bottom half of her face to anyone who would look at her.

They’d loved their boys, but Maggie had both of their hearts in a way they hadn’t been prepared for.

Steve had to make up and excuse to leave the house the next morning when Maggie came down to breakfast, wearing the single pearl drop necklace he’d gotten for Peggy on their 25th wedding anniversary and her signature red lipstick. It was a good pain, but the first time he saw her in her grandmother’s necklaces, it was pain none the less.

~*~ Spring 2018

He knew the date it was supposed to happen. He’d kept up enough to know that it would, too. His other self was out there, somewhere, fighting what would become the biggest battle of his life.

Steve decided to focus on the small things. He kept the house stocked up with food and drinks, nonperishables that would last months and even years, toilet paper and paper towels. He ordered big metal shelves for the basement and made sure there was enough for multiple people for the long haul.

He didn’t know what would happen to his family in the snap- who would make it and who wouldn’t, but he was going to be sure whoever survived would be set for the following months where there was chaos, food and water shortages, and fear.

It would be a long five years for anyone that was left.

Even though she was home most nights, he asked Maggie for a standing Thursday night date. Some nights he showed her how to keep the house up: where the water main was, how to shut it on and off, where the gas line was, what to do if the roof started leaking. He made notebooks full of lists of things to do, how-to’s for the house and for life, and even, when he was awake in the middle of the night, wrote her letters so she wouldn’t be lonely.

Somehow, he just knew it would be him this time. He had survived the first snap, but if there were two of him and one survived, the other, statistically, did not. Thanos was very clear on how half worked.

Maggie, at first, had been scared. His family knew he had a knack for predicting the future, but didn’t know quite why.

Are you dying? Maggie had asked, fearing the worst when she started to realize that their Thursday night take-out and movie date was about more than just spending time together.

No, he’d said so very often, I just want you to be ready for anything.

Despite all of her questions, she went along with it.

When the day came, he couldn’t quite keep the sadness out of his eyes. Couldn’t quite smile at her. They ate pizza in front of the TV, watching a comedy Maggie had picked. He kept his eyes on his watch. It was coming.

His fingers itched. Like he could already feel his cells pulling apart.

He reached out, taking her hand in his and covering it with is other hand. “Maggie, you know I love you, right?”

She smiled at him, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She’d sensed his anxiety all day. “Of course, I do. And I love you, Pop Pop.”

He looked away and then back at her. “I promise you, whatever happens, I’m alright, and I’ll be back.”

“Pop Pop,” her eyes filled with tears, “What are you talking about?”

He shook his head, “I’ve left you everything you’ll need, and I promise I’ll be back.”

A tear fell from her eye as she squeezed his hand tighter. “But where…”

It was as if the world went silent as it started to happen. Though the television droned on in the background, he could swear the air was stiller. He started to see the dust fill the air and tried not to breathe.

But it was wrong.

It wasn’t him.

Her hand was falling to nothing in his, the fear in her eyes haunting as the skin of her cheeks flecked into the air, swirling before falling along with the rest of her into a pile on the couch.

It was so fast. So fast.

And it wasn’t him.

“No…” The word fell from his lips as a whisper, sobs starting to form in his throat.

~*~

He wondered, nearly every night for five years, if Thanos knew. If it had somehow been a conscious choice to keep him alive, to make him suffer just a little more. To make him watch his other self on television trying to promote healing.

Sometimes, he realized that this was a blessing. His sons and granddaughter were safe while they were snapped, protected by the fabric of the universe. Bucky had told him that he didn’t remember anything from being snapped, didn’t feel any different when he woke up than if he’d taken a long, heavy nap.

Somewhere, his family was taking the universe’s longest nap without him.

But they’d be spared these memories. They’d be spared lonely nights of missing loved ones and too little to eat while the world sorted out the jobs that were suddenly empty to keep things running for those that were left behind.

They’d be spared the fear of the gangs that started roaming the streets of half abandoned cities, looting for food and clothes in stores that had never officially closed but also couldn’t open with their owners simply gone.

They’d be spared the rolling blackouts and the contaminated water scares.

They’d be spared the fear of the country as the government suddenly found itself missing elected officials and the infighting and the rhetoric that came with martial law and hasty elections.  

They’d be spared so, so much pain and loss.

Every day, he relived it all, twice over.

He counted every day for five years, making his way through each week and month motivated by only one thought: they were coming back. He needed to be ready for them, for her.

He helped his daughter in law keep their house, managed his other son’s apartment in DC and kept his things ready and waiting, made sure Maggie’s things were safe and in working order, made sure her bank account stayed open and her phone bill was paid. He’d never, not once, considered he’d be the one left behind, and the logistics of all there was to do left him busy for the first few weeks.

Everyone told him his hope that the dusted would return was infectious, but after the first year, people stopped listening. He knew, for a fact, they’d come back, but everyone else didn’t. Even the past him was operating on the idea that they’d never be back.

Some days he didn’t make it out of bed. He laid there, talking to the ceiling, whispering to Peggy, wishing she could talk back, wishing she could be one of the ones brought back. He missed her with a ferocity that hadn’t changed since the first time he’d been in this time, but had only been tempered and strengthened by a lifetime together.

As the days drew closer to the five-year mark, he began to make arrangements.

~*~ October 2023

He cleaned the living room and set it to the way it had been that night. He pulled out every note and letter he’d written Maggie and his children and put them in the kitchen, ready and waiting.

He sat on the couch, facing the blank television, a new, piping hot, pepperoni pizza sitting in front of him, untouched.

He still couldn’t eat.

He still didn’t know if this was the right timeline. As he’d gotten closer to this day his faith had wavered. What if all he’d come to believe wasn’t true? What if this wasn’t the one fourteen million? He wanted to believe, but he didn’t know for sure.

He looked at his watch, watching as the seconds ticked by. What were a few seconds to him? He’d lived more than one lifetime, and that had been enough. He had barely made it through these five years the first time. The second time had almost truly broken him. He was ready for this to be over. He was ready to stop having to deal with loss and to be able to live whatever time he had left with the family he loved.

He held out his hand, and waited.

[marikaaajoy]

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

[cpw-nyc]

The Lost Art of Having a Chat: What Happened When I Stopped Texting and Started Talking

We are more connected than ever, but we rarely seem to really speak to each other. So, I decided to try.

The Guardian  Rebecca Nicholson

‘People are almost always nicer on the phone than on text.’

Like most people I know, my Weekly Screen Report is obscene. Every Sunday, when the notification pops up to tell me the hours I have wasted, mostly texting, I think about all the things I could have done. Finished Middlemarch. Started Middlemarch. But as I have my phone in my hand, I scroll through Instagram instead. I send an article or a joke to a friend, a picture of the dog to the family WhatsApp, catch up on someone else’s night out. Recently, I clocked up – and I’m ashamed as I write this – six hours and 29 minutes of phone usage in a single day. I have had days where I’ve barely been awake that long. Messages is my most used app. I am talking all the time.

Like most people I know, my Weekly Screen Report is obscene. Every Sunday, when the notification pops up to tell me the hours I have wasted, mostly texting, I think about all the things I could have done. Finished Middlemarch. Started Middlemarch. But as I have my phone in my hand, I scroll through Instagram instead. I send an article or a joke to a friend, a picture of the dog to the family WhatsApp, catch up on someone else’s night out. Recently, I clocked up – and I’m ashamed as I write this – six hours and 29 minutes of phone usage in a single day. I have had days where I’ve barely been awake that long. Messages is my most used app. I am talking all the time.

 But I am rarely talking. For the chatterboxes among us, this is a time of upheaval. The long, spontaneous chat on the phone is going the way of the fax. The percentage of households with a landline that’s used to make calls is declining every year, from 83 percent in 2016 to 73 percent in 2019; the number of calls made on house phones plummeted by 17 percent in 2018 alone. We still use our mobiles to talk – in 2018, Ofcom surveyed mobile users for three months and found only 6 percent of them never made a single call – but we are not talking in any great depth. The same study found that over 80 percent of calls were shorter than five minutes, and the majority were under 90 seconds. I looked at my own recent call list: three minutes, two minutes, five minutes at a push. What can you say in that time? You can only make the point you’ve called to make. 

  I know many will welcome this as a kind of freedom. The very idea of talking on the phone invokes horror among those who claim to loathe it. There are thousands of memes explaining the many ways that talking, not texting, is rude, basically criminal. Calling is not time-efficient, ill-suited to the attention economy, where all eyes must be on several screens at once. You can send messages when you’re doing something else – watching The Irishman, or having a bath, or even talking to another person in real life. My dad recently marvelled at me being able to text with two thumbs; I marvel at teenagers being able to text while talking to you and not looking at the screen. Once technology gave us the ability to easily screen calls, we ran with it. We can ignore the relative who phones with a list of recent hometown tragedies, the work call we don’t feel like taking, our chattiest of friends who might not let us go for an hour. But what happens if you are that chatty friend?

Smart phones are smart enough to tell you that you’re using them too much. The dumb phone is making a comeback. I wondered if it was possible to ride this wave of the digital detox and make a deliberate effort to call instead of text. I wanted to see if it would change my relationships, particularly the ones I had grown lazy about maintaining. The plan was to stay off text and DMs for a solid month. I was fed up of paddling in the shallows. I wanted to swim. If I needed to speak to someone, I’d have to call them. 

 When the writer Elizabeth Wurtzel died in January, a piece she wrote in 2013, about her “one-night stand of a life”, began to circulate again, and it contained one paragraph that hit me particularly hard. “Look at how we live,” she wrote. “We communicate in text messages and emails; even those of us old enough to have lived in a world where landline was not a word because it’s all there was have fallen into this lazy substitute for human contact. I have.” 

 Who hasn’t? It should be easier than ever to talk. There are limitless outlets for publishing our thoughts, endless ways to begin a kind of conversation. Voice memos are popular, particularly among young people, but they’re a halfway house, still one-sided. We talk with one eye on efficiency, and it strangles what is so good about it – the spontaneity, the lack of ability to control what happens when two people are rambling on to each other. 

The psychologist Sherry Turkle has been studying the impact of computers on human psychology since the early 1980s, and in 2015 she published Reclaiming Conversation, in which she referred to “the edited life” that we live now. She spoke to teachers who observed that their students seemed to develop empathetic skills at a slower rate than they would be expected to. “Face-to-face conversation is the most human – and humanising – thing we do,” she wrote. “Fully present to one another, we learn to listen. It’s where we develop the capacity for empathy. It’s where we experience the joy of being heard, of being understood.”  

Are we losing that joy of being heard? Most offices are quieter places than they have ever been. The open-plan rooms I have worked in over the last decade or so are filled with people wearing headphones, silently tapping away on Gchat or Slack. Even workplaces that should invite conversation are making it easier to avoid talking at all. If you stay in a budget hotel, you can check yourself in and out. If you scan your onions on the supermarket’s self- service checkout, you don’t need to chat about what you’re planning to do with them. When it was common enough to be considered a problem, making a phone call on public transport used to be frowned upon. In the early 00s, Dom Joly built a TV career out of shouting “Hello!” into an oversized mobile in public places. Train carriages are now full of heads bowed, illuminated by blue light. A few years ago the Daily Mash ran a much-shared satirical news story: “A northern man has left a trail of terror across London by attempting to interact socially with everyone he meets.” And even in the north, screens have begun to dominate. Quiet carriages are becoming redundant. We are making ourselves quiet.

 In 2014, someone set up a family WhatsApp group. Before then, I spoke to my family on the phone all the time. Now, we spend more time in touch with each other than ever before, yet I miss them. It’s a noticeboard, more than a conversation. The person I still speak to most often, and for longest, is my nan, who is 83. She has a mobile, but doesn’t text. The other day I phoned to see how she was, and she told me a long story about how she was never supposed to have the name that she has, but there were 23 pubs in the village she was born in, and her father stopped in at most of them on the way to register her birth. By the time he got to the clerk, he’d forgotten what he’d been told to call her, so he named her after the clerk instead.

Verbal conversations are unpredictable and unwieldy in a way that those written down are not, because when we type or tap, we are in control, of our side, at least. This ruthless chat efficiency has excised the flab but, I realise, I love the flab. It’s where the excitement happens. I wanted to revive those conversations with everyone. So in my month of no texts, the WhatsApp group would be the first thing to go. I went to delete the app, pressed my finger on the screen, let it wobble – and then I stopped. There was a video of my niece dancing in front of the TV that I wanted to show my partner and I thought, I can just look at the photos and videos, every now and then. Can’t I?                    

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/the-lost-art-of-having-a-chat-what-happened-when-i-stopped-texting-and-started-talking?utm_source=pocket-newtab

[daesungfmd]

playlist 1.

seven songs describing different stages of daesung’s life so far.

lights, up we go  /  2008  ―  2012.

here, in a familiar place. we got our heads down and we pretend it’s ‘cause the night is dark and running out of space for us to run around, but it’s a dead end and money’s tight. it’s been a long time of this  ―  something has got to give. everyone here is ready to go, it’s been a hard year with nothing to show. from down this road, it’s only on we go. everyone here is ready to go, it’s been a hard year and i only know from down this low, it’s only up we go.

2008 is the earliest year of daesung’s life that he vividly remembers. before 2008, his life definitely had downsides, but he didn’t have much that he could rightfully complain about; at the end of even the hardest day, things were still… good. but 2008 brought more hardships than daesung was equipped to handle  &  saw his relationship with his mother deteriorating. they were both struggling, but instead of coming together to support each other, they frequently lashed out and simply made things worse. in the three years that followed, daesung became better at supporting his mother, but he rarely felt supported in return  ―  internally bitter with the idea that he was having to act as a parent, but in reality, she was so caught up in keeping their family afloat that she often fell short on the emotional side. they were also beginning to struggle financially (which only got worse and worse over the months, with his mom falling far enough behind that it didn’t seem like she’d ever catch up), which added a feeling of helplessness to the loneliness that daesung was (poorly) dealing with. generally a bad time all around, but they both continued to pretend that they weren’t struggling so no one around them would pity them, even though they definitely could’ve used some assistance. this was around the time that daesung became extremely ambitious (surprisingly). set high goals in his personal life, his school life  &  for his future career because……. life can not suck like this forever!!! it’s gotta be up from here, right?

john the ghost, red house  /  2008  —  present.

if you’re not everything, you’re nothing ‘til you try to be. nobody needs saving, just a little bit of empathy. you can’t save the ones you love, but who would really want to? who would really want to?

i touched on daesung’s relationship with his mom in the explanation for the previous track, but it goes a lot deeper than a few sentences could ever explain. before 2008, she was outwardly happy and very, very loving — after 2008, she hardly seemed like the same woman. she and daesung endured the same pain, but neither of them coped healthily. neither got counseling, either, so they often took their sadness and pain out on each other in the form of harsh words and accusations. more often than not, they were fighting. the only time they got along was when they were in daesung’s mom’s salon, and even then, they still argued quite a lot, just with softer voices. after the first year, they started to build back the relationship they’d had prior to 2008, but it was a slow process and often involved daesung taking blame for things that (usually) weren’t his fault & having to calm his mom down when she got too angry or sad. things never did fully go back to how they once were and even now, twelve years later, daesung’s still bitter over how things turned out. how he so often had to take on responsibility that he was too young to deserve and how she failed to emotionally support him like he supported her. he realizes that having to provide financial support took almost all of her energy, but still — it doesn’t change the fact that he felt like he was lacking parental love at that time and even feels like he’s still lacking it now. if you get them alone, a fight is almost always sure to occur, even if it’s a passive one that only ends with secretly hurt feelings rather than outwardly hurt ones. they both acknowledge the other’s suffering, but they’re both too clumsy and ashamed to apologize for the past twelve years or even give reminders that they love each other. most of their meetings are confined to her salon; a semi-public place where they can be semi-vulnerable without necessarily viewing it as a bad thing. they spend a lot of time together there, but rarely have conversations of substance and, as a result, they’ve both begun to feel a lot like strangers rather than family.

jimmy eat world, 555  /  2012   —   2014.

i keep my focus on the simple things, trying to find some peace along the way. i wish i knew how long i’m supposed to wait. holding on, but just barely. got the feeling i’ve been talking to a dead, dead line. there’s always a reason to let it change. is there anyone there listening while you cry, cry, cry? there’s always a reason for the pain. i’m doing the things that i’m told every day, every day, every day. then why does it feel like i’m moving in place?

training, in daesung’s opinion, simply sucked. he went into training completely blind, considering he didn’t even fully realize what he was auditioning for — just that it may or may not lead to him being a musician. the competitiveness was what hit him the hardest. he’s not a particularly competitive person, so he was more interested in making friends and having a good time (😔), but he didn’t encounter a whole lot of people who were as nonchalant as he was. he struggled to adjust to the trainee life and harsh criticism from trainers/supervisors hit him hard, being some of the first real criticism he’d ever received. he spent his two years as a trainee feeling really lonely, but he didn’t have anyone outside of the company that he could reasonably turn to — his lack of time meant that most of his friendships had vanished and he cut off all contact with his mom during this time, as well, so he couldn’t turn to her. he tried very hard to stay focused and optimistic, but his strength was wavering. especially because he frequently got scolded for doing things that he didn’t even realize he wasn’t supposed to do. felt like he was getting pushed around by life & the people around him, even though half of that was undoubtedly just self-pity amplified by his loneliness.

blackbear, i feel bad  /  2014  —  2016.

you’re so good at making me feel bad, at making me feel terrible about myself, good. you’re so good at making others hurt with only just your words, with only just your words and i feel bad. i don’t feel good.

daesung has a heart made of glass  &  his tendency to take things personal was a whole lot stronger when he was seventeen. sure, he was supposed to be the ~funny guy~, but constantly being the subject of jokes took a huge toll on his mental health in the beginning. he felt like no one acknowledged the fact that he’s an actual human being with actual feelings and, consequentially, felt like he wasn’t good for much aside from evoking laughter, even at his own expense. it didn’t help that inpulses hadn’t gotten the chance to know him on a more substantial level yet, so they, too, chose to make him into a joke. most comments or interactions at fansigns were ~playful teasing~ but enough ~playful teasing~ loses its humor, as he learned firsthand. eventually, he mastered the art of either initiating the jokes about himself so that they didn’t catch him off guard or swiftly changing the subject to something equally funny but not confidence-crushing. by 2016, he’d matured enough that he realized that’s just variety, baby! sometimes you gotta suck it up and get made fun of a little. learned to laugh at himself  &  fire back — nowadays, it’s virtually impossible to hurt his feelings with a joke and fans know him well enough to know that he’s more than just a jester.

glass animals, dreamland  /  2015  —  present.

you’ve had too much of the digital love, you want everything live, you want things you can touch. make it feel like a movie you saw in your youth, make it feel like that song that just unopened you. 

less than a year after debuting, daesung had already become bored of idol life. of course, it’s not like the industry itself is boring — it’s an eventful life with seemingly never-ending work hours, but all in all, it lacks the enthusiasm, color and realism that daesung has always, always craved. as a child and teenager, he already knew how big the world was beyond his own day to day life. half the reason he wanted to be a rockstar wasn’t because of his passion for rock music itself, but because of how rock ‘n’ roll is portrayed in the media. you can think whatever you want, but to daesung, their lively and borderline reckless lives appealed to him like nothing else ever had. to live like that — throwing caution to the wind, living for yourself and having fun was something he couldn’t fathom, but he wanted to experience it so bad. skip a few years in the future and he is a musician, but not the kind he wants to be. and nowhere near as free as he’d dreamt of being. his first complaint was backtracks on music shows; thoughts of how rock musicians would be called posers if they dared to perform without… well, actually performing. his second complaint was how strict the rules were. he learned to accept that there are extreme differences between idols and “real musicians” (as daesung himself would put it), but he still isn’t happy about it. you could say that he feels like his life is lacking something and possibly always will be lacking that something, but he tries to live as freely as he can while still avoiding ~controversies~.

grayscale, diamond  /  2016  ―  2018.

i know it took some time, but i got my footing right. feeling, i’m feeling so good tonight. can’t stop me from dancing, can’t keep me from blooming. welcome to my, welcome to my — this world is my diamond. 

as a public figure, it took some time before daesung was able to earn widespread approval. it’s not like he’s ever done anything controversial, it’s just that the rumors of him bring arrogant from next: origin story stuck around for a hot minute  &  his loud, impossible to ignore persona after debuting rubbed some folks the wrong way. by 2016, he’d managed to escape the negative opinions almost entirely and was able to ignore any lingering hate comments with ease. although he’s always had a happy and energetic demeanor publicly, any long-term fans could confirm in a heartbeat that he was the happiest from 2016 to 2018. during these two years, daesung felt like he was conquering the world — in retrospect, maybe this is really just the time when fame had him feeling the most invincible. but by 2019, there were other things factoring into his overall outlook, including his strong desire to break into acting versus gold star’s refusal to let him do so. he’s still pretty happy and grateful for where he’s at in life, but the elevated sense of self was left in 2018.

waterparks, lowkey as hell  /  2016  ―  present.

if you need me now, i’ll be there somehow. i’ll pick you up, we can ride. i’ll fly away like i bought my own airline, i’ll take you with me, we can ride. i’m highkey and lowkey as hell your diva, just wanna see ya. i’m highkey and lowkey as hell your sweetheart, don’t wanna be apart.

as a result from reading far too many hate comments about himself from next: origin story and promoting with songs that really, really embarrassed daesung, it took him a hot minute to fully adjust to idol life. he wasn’t sure what people thought of him (and as much as he tries to come off like he doesn’t care what people think, he definitely does), so he tried to shrink his presence as much as he possibly could. if for no other reason, then to at least get rid of the general public’s idea that he was arrogant. but by 2016, impulse had started making music that only slightly embarrassed daesung  &  he became more comfortable with the amount of attention that was on him. moreover, he become more comfortable with the love that his fans so readily gave him. he wanted to give them just as much of himself, even though the expected distance between idols and their fans made it hard to do so. since 2016, he’s been walking along a thin line more often than not, trying to get as close to his fans as he possibly can without ~breaking the illusion~ as his managers have so elegantly put it, even though daesung will argue that he’s not a magic trick and there shouldn’t be an illusion to begin with. he loves inpulses very, very dearly and constantly dishes out reminders in any way he can. he wants to be his best self for them  ―  not because that’s part of his job, but because he genuinely cares about who they are beyond a view count and nameless comments. their love and support is what keeps his spirits up and he wants to give them the same strength, no matter what. (aka daesung will never understand why he has to play a character instead of jus bein able to ACTUALLY be there for his fans)

[karharis]

Is Achilles gay?  It depends which one you ask.  By the 4th century BCE, Plato not only makes it explicit (Symp. 179e-180a), but starts an argument with Aeschylus (Myrm. fr. 135-136) over who topped whom.  From there is a long and storied tradition of the lovers both in literature and art, giving us the 1855 painting of Nikolai Ge above.  Most recently, in Madeline Miller’s 2011 The Song of Achilles, we revisit the pair, in an image of palpable intimacy. But what does it mean to speak of ‘Achilles’ in general?  Where do we find him?  For while many retellings in this tradition assert his romantic ties to Patroclus, others do not.  In Dante’s Inferno, as Classicist Shane Butler (Deep Classics 2018) notes, Achilles would wind up in a different circle of hell if he were presumed gay.  And at the source of it all, in the Iliad, many scholars have argued there is no textual evidence for a romantic connection, with Fantuzzi (Achilles in Love: Intertextual Studies 2012) pointing out that Homer is not one to leave anything unsaid. Of course, these nay-sayers are often disregarded.  It’s fun to find suggestive passages in Homer––of which there are many––and laugh at the myopic scholars.  After all, love in many ways is often best unspoken.  It makes sense to leave things to our imagination.  But why then does Homer sometimes cut us off?  The one time we see Achilles sleep in the same tent as Patroclus (9.663-8), the poet clarifies they are on opposite sides, paired up with the two girls Diomede and Iphis instead of each other.  At a perfect moment to let us wonder about this night and all the others they spend together, Homer instead stops our imagination. In the tradition of Achilles that we inherit, to say most things of him definitively is daunting task.  From the Iliad and onward, none could doubt that he and Patroclus share a deep, passionate bound––but the sexual and romantic nature of it, if it exists, is never spelled out.  That’s not even mentioning the fact that the exact way of contextualizing romantic, sexual, and platonic attraction in the Homeric world is an ever greater mystery, and how exactly our terminology of “queer” and “gay” map on to ancient categories is a messy affair.  So why don’t we cut our loses?  Rather than speak of a general character with many contending incarnations, why not speak of specific ones––definite affirmations of our question, such as Miller’s?  Well, because to do so would abandon what we truly seek: a view of ourselves, and of queerness, not as deviation from history but a return to it.  To feel rooted in time and tradition, when so many have once used it to sweep us away.  I do not begrudge anyone who finds this appealing, but I worry what happens when we buttress our present in what is past, continuing to give antiquity the power it has long enjoyed.  For just as we mock the Classical historians, too obtuse to see queerness, so too are we mocked for coloring everything rainbow.  The textual and historical debates we have can easily end up as proxy wars, confusing modern values in ancient worlds which, at best, had a rather problematic relationship with any manner of Other. So, though it has been asked and answered many times, I would like to return to that age old question, albeit with a twist: is your Achilles gay?  The one you think of at the mention of his name, whether he comes from Dante, Homer, Miller, or your own blog and imagination.  If so, I’m happy for him.  And you as well.  For you should enjoy your personal relationship with stories, and take of them what you will.  But in doing so, I hope you also relinquish the drive to define ‘the’ Achilles, or to speak of a historic example when dealing with your own.  That you value your version more and more, even if he has yet to garner the attention of Homer’s.  

And I hope this not for your sake, but for all our sakes as well.  For, with the rise of meninist and white supremacist groups turning to Classical material, as Donna Zuckerberg has recently discussed (Not All Dead White Men: Classics and Misogyny in the Digital Age 2018), I want you to be cognizant of their Achilles, too.  When we are all pretending to talk about history, for whatever our reason, it is easier to hide under the guise of ‘accuracy.’  But when we all drop the premise of objectivity, and acknowledge these figures as imagination rather than fact, the difference in our goals is laid bare: love on the one hand, and hate on the other.  I’m not saying that in cases where there are obvious queer relationships to let people erase that.  Plato’s Achilles and Patroclus were canonically fucking, and I hope you never let anyone forget it.  But in cases where there is nuance, or confusion, or we simply haven’t read enough to say for sure: show restraint.  For if we continue to venerate antiquity while allowing anything to be said of it, we are empowering anyone to do as they will.  And unfortunately, they will if we let them.