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gogglor · 3 years ago

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Cap-Ironman RecWeek: Tropey Tuesday

Over the past year my pandemic brain decided it would produce happy chemicals exclusively by reading and writing Stony fanfiction. On the advice of counsel, I decided to take my happy chemicals where I could get’em. And the result is that I’ve had the tremendous pleasure of reading some absolutely incredible works of art by some immensely talented people. And since it’s @cap-ironman RecWeek, I figured this is as good of an excuse as any to make some posts recommending my favs (and try to keep self-recs to a minimum, but I’m only human).

I skipped Multiverse Monday since I’m still not well-versed enough in the multiverse to talk about it with any kind of recommendational authority, but today is Tropey Tuesday, and so I would like to share some fics from my all-time-favorite, major-reason-I-bother-with-the-MCU, gets-me-every-time trope:

Found Family

And so, without further ado, here are some Found Family Stony fics that I simply adore.

Avengers Family Ficlets

Author: elwenyere

Word Count: 8,548

Summary: “You built a neural network that analyzes squash,” Bruce said flatly, “and you attached it to a laser.” A collection of short stories set in the extended Domestic Avengers Universe.

Why You Should Read It:

Thing number one that you should understand about me is that I would be perfectly happy with a story about body-less entities making funny quips at each other in a featureless void, and anything else is just a bonus. Elwenyere’s stories consistently get the banter down so unbelievably, ridiculously well that when you find out they also have heart, creativity, well-developed characters, and so much damn feeling in them, it feels like an embarrassment of riches.

Go read all of their stuff, please, but this one’s a great place to start. It’s got everything you could possibly want in a fic: over-competitive pumpkin carving, emotional hospital confessions, Christmas decorations that come to life and attack people, crab dip, Steve Rogers accidentally ruining Thanksgiving through the sheer power of his own snark, and most importantly, a bunch of human disasters that somehow make a beautiful family together.

Executive Party

Author: copperbadge

Word Count: 3,228

Summary: Tony's terrible December is suddenly looking up.

Why You Should Read It:

Copperbadge is another author where you should read everything they’ve put out there. They’ve got this phenomenally creative mind that manages to consistently draw out deeply human stories that can kinda catch you off-guard in the places they find touching moments. You might’ve heard of their very popular Foodieverse, which is an incredibly creative AU with the Avengers in the food service industry, but this is the one I come to whenever I’m looking to indulge in my favorite trope.

Tony’s looking forward to spending the night before SI breaks for Christmas doing paperwork. Steve gets the Avengers to have an impromptu video game Christmas Party in his office instead. Cb’s also got a gift for banter (I have a type when it comes to writers, ok?), and the little details like Steve’s carnage record on GTA, Natasha’s Russian appreciation for country music, and Steve’s SHIELD break-up mixtape make it just a goddamn delight to read.

patchwork people

Author: itsAllAvengers

Word Count: 28,247

Summary: It was a pretty well-known fact that Tony Stark had control issues.It was far less well-known why, though.

CW: Past abuse and non-con (not by main pairing)

Why You Should Read It:

If you’re the kind of person who regularly thinks to themself “You know what Tony Stark needs? More trauma,” then this is the fic for you.

Tony’s got some serious trust issues and PTSD thanks to some shitty, shitty exes. This is the story about how Tony learns to trust again, Avenger by Avenger, in his new Found Family. Come for the Whump, stay for the found family insomnia infomercial parties and Steve Rogers getting arrested for enacting some sweet, sweet karmic justice.

And now we get into a sub-genre of Found Family that is also a huge weakness of mine: Tony thinks he’s only tolerated instead of wanted, and his found family convinces him otherwise.

Some Things Shouldn’t Be a Chore

Author: scifigrl47

Word Count: 22,187

Summary: Steve takes things like personal responsibility and respect seriously. Tony's got people he pays to take care of that kind of thing, and anyway, he's pretty sure that he's going to die of some exotic disease in his workshop, because Dummy's still a little spotty about what is 'clean' enough to put on an open wound. The rest of the Avengers are in this for personal gain, except for Clint, he just enjoys being a dick. And some things shouldn't be a chore.

Why You Should Read It:

Honestly it feels a bit like cheating to recommend the first work in scifigrl47′s tremendously popular Toasterverse, since I’m pretty sure a lot of people who don’t even like or regularly read fanfiction have liked this one, even indirectly. Sci is so ludicrously good at building an engaging, creative, character-driven universe that this series is responsible for most of the fanon you know and love about MCU fanfics. Tony’s bot Butterfingers? Sci made him up for this story. Thor’s love of Pop Tarts? Clint the vent goblin? All sci. They’re just that damn good at world-building.

In this fic, the Avengers try out a chore chart. Hilarity and feels ensue. I don’t want to say anymore and risk spoiling it because if you’ve managed to get far enough in Stony fanfiction to read this post and haven’t yet read the Toasterverse, I want to keep the experience pristine for you to enjoy. Please read this. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll reserve a hypothetical genie wish to make this series the actually canon MCU (God knows I have).

Hold the Things You Wanna Say

Author: SailorChibi

Word Count: 6,316

Summary: Tony is still a consultant, and between SI, the team and SHIELD he's overworked and exhausted. That's okay. He and Steve have been having sex for weeks but that's all it is, just sex, and Tony wants more but he'll never get it and that's okay. Really. What's not okay is the fact that Howard Stark has somehow appeared in the future and is the same as always. This is definitely going to fuck up his schedule.

CW: Abuse, Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting

Why You Should Read It:

SailorChibi’s one of those authors I’ve been meaning to get around to reading all their stuff for, but it’s tricky when you have a short attention span and an author that is just so damn prolific. They’re a multi-fandom maven consistently putting out some really great stuff, and they’re absolutely worth checking out.

This story’s a real yank on the heartstrings, and as someone who can really identify with Tony’s fear of failing the people he cares about, the point in the story where he reaches his low is just unbelievably poignant. But the warmth and the wholesomeness of the end made my heart grow three sizes the day I read it. And the love that all these idiots have for each other is just so damn palpable in this story, it damn near made me cry.

Irreplaceable

Author: Orphan Account :(

Word Count: 4,952

Summary: There are obvious downsides to being the only member of the Avengers who is not a super soldier, a god, or a super assassin, and does not Hulk out when aggravated. The most obvious one is that when villains want bait, they've got a go-to guy. Tony already knew Mondays sucked. He did not need his opinion reinforced this way.

Why You Should Read It:

It’s such a bummer I can’t plunder this author’s other works because I love this one so much!

Tony gets kidnapped and says a lot of self-deprecating things that, unbeknownst to him, are projected on a live feed to the Avengers. They rescue him and have some opinions about how easily he could be replaced. This story’s got Tony hiding from feelings like an idiot, Steve manually carrying Tony somewhere the Avengers can say nice things about him, and a lot of feels.

That’s it for today! Tune in tomorrow for some AU recs!

#capimrecweek #stony #fanfiction #MCU #Tony Stark #Steve Rogers #the avengers

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biggy-habes · 5 years ago

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Jonny Haber’s Day Off (Part II)

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed. At peace. The exact opposite of the previous morning. I had the entire day ahead of me. In the back of my mind the dread of returning to work the next day lingered. I felt like I had to make the most of today. So I grabbed some hiking gear and loaded Fennie up in the backseat. We were heading to Letchworth Park. For those not familiar with this area, Letchworth is a state park about an hour away. It is respectfully known as the Grand Canyon of the East. The Genesee River cuts through it, creating beautiful cascading waterfalls. The weather was sunny and mild and perfect for a long hike. Still lethargic from yesterday's walk through the trails, Fennie slept practically the entire drive. But once we arrived at the entrance to the park, he perked up. As we drove through the winding turns, he kept his nose out the window. He could not wait to explore these new smells! I decided to start at the Lower Falls and work our way up. The trail leading to the river was a decent 3/4 mile hike. When we got to the water, Fennie started to pull hard. Now he has never been much of a fan of water. You would think that taking a bath was worse than when his nuts got snipped. He created a scene at the pet store that I take him for his baths. It was like he wanted the store employees to think that I waterboard him. For the record, I DO NOT WATERBOARD FENNIE! He just hates water! He makes the most pathetic look when he has to go as far as to go pee in the rain. But for some reason he REALLY wanted to check out this friggin water! The flowing river created waves on the shore that he felt were a threat and he needed to bite the SHIT out of them! He would never get in above his knees. Dogs DO have knees, don't they? Well, anyways, that is where the water was. But he would dip his face in the water in order to bite the crest of the waves. And I sat there watching him, and thought to myself "You malingering ASSHOLE!"

As we started venturing back, I started to remember how a group of us rugby players would head to an area like this in Stony Brook for the day to cook some meat and drink cheap beers. And it dawned on me that I was not too far from where I went to college. I haven't stepped foot in that area since I was still in the service. Fennie was starting to slow down and was panting pretty hard, so I felt that perhaps we could save the rest of the trails for another time. Instead, let's take a trip down memory lane. I always remember the drive to Alfred being peaceful and serene. College was a very confusing time for me and I would use the drive to contemplate my wants out of life. Driving through the farmland brought back the familiar country smell. Soon I could see the white steeple signifying that I was entering Alfred Station. I passed the banquet hall where the rugby team had their social. Past the packie that would sell me gallons of Skol vodka despite my shitty fake ID. Past the hill that I had to climb to get to my dorm at Alfred U. I came up to the old Delta Sig house, which has since been taken over and painted pink. I banged a right and entered the campus that contained 2 of the greatest years of my life. Alfred State. Home of the muthafuckin PIONEERS!

As I drove around the loop of the campus, the memories came in waves. The 77 steps leading to Peet Hall...a treacherous hike for any drunken resident. The gymnasium where I had decided to "toss the gloves" during an intramural hockey game and, not aware at the time that my target was on the wrestling team, I proceeded to get suplexed onto the floor. At the top of the hill stood the Mackenzie dorms. This is was my turf from 1997-1999. This is where I went through 4 roommates. This is where I met my good friend Ed (oh there will be more on Eddie in later stories. He is a character!) And this was where my friendship with Johnny ("Tits") and Matt ("Squirrel") began. After reminiscing for a bit I walked over to the track, location of the annual Naked Mile. I ran this twice. First time was as a rookie on the rugby team. All rookies were expected to run it. The 2nd time…well, that was just for shits and giggles. Young Haber LOVED to get drunk and run around naked! After walking around for a little bit I left Alfred State and decided that it was time to pay a visit to the old rugby field. Now you will notice that I mention rugby a lot in this story. Well, this is because rugby played a significant role in my college life. I have never been known for my athleticism. My grandfather was a 3 sport athlete at Boston College and went on to play a year as a center in the NFL. I inherited his size and his passion, but the athletic gene unfortunately did not get passed down to me. In High School I played football, taking the position that brought my grandfather fame. Although I was a Varsity starter both my Junior and Senior years, I will never be known as a stand-out player and the name "Haber" will never be uttered in the halls of Greece Arcadia. When I went to college, I had tossed around the idea of trying to make a spot on the football practice squad. But it never blossomed into more than that. One night, while waiting in line for a beer at the TG house, a large group of loud, brash guys in purple jackets walked straight in and went up the stairs to the 2nd floor with arms filled with beer. I did not know who they were, but they seemed like the kind of guys that I wanted to be part of. As they walked past me, I read the back of their bright purple jackets and in bold white lettering it read "ALFRED RUGBY". I followed them upstairs, where they gathered around a keg and proceeded to drink like there was no tomorrow. One of them, just a bit larger than myself and wearing a backwards purple hat, had been challenged to a chugging contest. When he heard the word "Go", he pinched his cup and in one complete gulp he finished his beer. I had never seen anything like that! So after he collected his High 5s from the other ruggers I went up to talk to him. I cannot tell you exactly what was said, but I remember telling him that I wanted to see what this whole "rugby" thing was all about. He told me to show up to practice on Monday. On the front of his beer-covered jacket in white stitching was the name "BooBoo". I give this guy credit for introducing me to one of the greatest experiences of my life. Now, just like with football, I was not a GREAT rugby player. I was big enough to play on the front row, but again, I would never describe myself as "athletic". Despite the fact that my conditioning was shit and my balance was on the same level as a 4 year old, my heart and my grit got me a position as a starter as a rookie. Now, let me tell you, being a rookie on the rugby team was tough! You come to rely on the bonds that you create with your fellow rookies. This is where I really became close friends with Tits and Squirrel.

I started driving towards the outskirts of Alfred towards Jericho Hill, where the rugby field was. I drove past the practice field, where I was able to imagine all of us scrimmaging. Punk would be running into a crowd of bodies, turning to scream "GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND RUCK IT OVER, YOU FUCKERS!!!". Mild-mannered BooBoo would become possessed and would run through anyone brave enough to stand in his way. And Squirrel would be way out at the opposite end of the field, dropping any kick that would come his way. Jesus CHRIST he had some hands of stone! I turned down the gravel road leading up to the game field, and eventually I was able to see the purple covering of the goal posts. I let Fennie out of the car and as we started to walk around the field, I recalled me getting my ears taped on the sidelines. Me stepping foot on the pitch for my first rugby game. All of the hits. All of the scrums. All of the sweat and blood that soaked into the soil. The sound that is made when large bodies violently collide. The smell of mud, body odor, and processed alcohol seeping from pores filling the air. And then, a feeling of sadness and grief overcame me as I started to think about my friend Squirrel. It was time to pay him a visit. I have gone to see him since the funeral. I wiped the tears from my eyes and headed back to the car. It was coming up on 4:30. Plenty of time to go see my old friend.

Mattie lived his entire life in the small town of Owego, NY. All his life he had wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and be a firefighter. I cannot tell you the number of times he would turn down an all-night binger because he was on call for the Volunteer Campus EMS. However, when he was not required to stay sober, he seldom was. Squirrel was loud and obnoxious, but he could easily become the life of the party. I never really saw him get angry. He was cool and easy going. Together, him and I wreaked havoc on Tits, never missing an opportunity to cut him down or pull a prank on him. One day we trapped him in a broom closet and proceeded to blow baby powder under the door until he agreed to go to the Rugby House (aka "The Alamo") for a party. He LOVED finding ways to get in trouble. He was not a very big guy, but that never stopped him from constantly talking shit. After leaving a party at TG (we spent A LOT of time there!!) he passed someone passing by with his girlfriend wearing a baggy white dress shirt. Squirrel turned and shouted "Hey, Jerry Seinfeld! Nice puffy shirt, ASSHOLE!"

Squirrel's weakness was women. After hooking up with a girl at St. Bonaventure, her and her friend decided to make an impromptu visit. Later that night they took turns writing some of the funniest, most hateful shit in Sharpie on his door he had ditched her at a party. We spent the rest of the night scrubbing his door clean. After graduation we had all gone our separate ways, but we still managed to keep in touch. A couple of years later we met back up to play in the Alfred Rugby alumni game. As the years passed, the conversations became sparser. Squirrel went on to become a firefighter like he had always dreamed about. He became a husband and a father. When The Facebook became big we were able to reconnect and would share stories of our lives or talk about old memories. When Amanda and I were planning our wedding, Mattie was talking about flying to the Keys to attend the ceremony. And when all of that came crashing down, he would call me to make sure that I was hanging in there. I took one last look at the field that contained so many terrific memories. There will always be places where you just feel a sense of peace and reflection. It is a bit ironic that the pitch that hosted such ferocity on Saturdays would become such a place of contentment. As it turns out, another place of mine is the Arcadia football field house. When I would have my crackups in my 20s, my friend Schworm would always know that if I went missing, that is where he could find me. Anyways, I had to go. It was time to go pay my old friend a visit.

After Amanda and I split up I had taken a job in North Carolina. Still reeling from the difficult breakup, I had walked into the basement of the Research Department on a chilly, dreary day and sat down to take a few minutes to catch up on Facebook when I heard about Squirrel. There was a post regarding a fire in Owego during the night. There was a casualty. But no. It couldn't have been him. But I am sure that he must be pretty shaken up. I should probably try and reach out to him. Before I got the chance to, I was interrupted by a message from an old mutual friend, Wendy. Matt and Wendy grew up together. She let me know that the casualty was Squirrel. It did not process at first. That couldn't be right! He was a good firefighter! He was had a family! But then the reality started to set in. I went in to the office of the head of my department and explained what had happened and that I needed a couple of days off. That night I packed a suitcase, asked my father to let me borrow $200, and I drove through the night to New York. I shared a room at a run down Red Roof Inn with my friend Ed (my suite mate from college. Man, I cannot WAIT to get more into him some other time! He is a goddamn character!) So anyways, the next day me and Ed, who had become a volunteer firefighter and was decked out in his uniform, met up for breakfast with Tits and shared old stories over some eggs and bacon. I have not seen Ed in a few years, and Johnny for at least 20. We carried on like nothing had changed. We were missing the loud voice and dramatic flair of Squirrel.

Now when I tell you that Mattie had died a hero, I am not sure if you quite understand. He was a loved and cherished member of his community. He had a tight group of friends. He did all that Dad shit. But he NEVER let that part of him that made HIM get away. He was still known for drinking a bit too much shitty beer and run his mouth any chance that he got. Owego is a very small town, and I think that everyone in that town was present to say their "Goodbyes" to Matt. There were Police, EMS, and Firefighters from Syracuse all the way to Pennsylvania there to pay their respects to their fallen brother. There were so many people there for his Last Call that they filled the auditorium and streamed it in the Gymnasium so that everyone was able to be present. The occasion was somber but the ceremonial pageantry was breathtaking. Squirrel had the tendency to be a bit of an asshole. But this was the ceremony that Mattie deserved. My old friend is my fucking hero. I love and I miss the fuck out of that guy!

I pulled into St. Patrick's Cemetery, and the part of me that grew up Catholic turned off the radio out of respect for the souls. It was not hard for me to find Matt's gravestone. Fennie was wiped out from all of the walking the past 2 days and he was perfectly content with sleeping in the backseat. I sat down in front of the gravestone marked Matthew Porcari. I talked to him like 19 year old Whimpy would talk to his fucking homey Squirrel. I caught him up on my life. I told him funny stories. About the death of my dad. And how I was struggling trying to cope with my grandmother's passing. And how much I fucking missed him. How I wanted to be sitting at a bar sharing these stories. I will never find a friend like him. He had the ability to be a complete jackass. But he was the guy that made you laugh and knew just what to say when life took a shit on you. He was the guy that would make sure that all of his buddies had a great time. He will always be my brother. I shed a few tears, and saw that the sun was starting to go down. I had a good 2 hour drive back to Rochester, so it was time to say "Goodbye" and that I would see him soon.

By the time we got home Fennie and I were beyond exhausted. I had to return to work the next day. I was not sure what sort of reaction I would face. Despite the need for the time off to reflect on what has been happening in my life, I felt guilty for making my coworkers pick up the slack of my little break. And to be honest, I was embarrassed! A mental breakdown is never pretty. And to have it take place in your workplace, ON A GODDAMN CRISIS LINE, is not very cool. But when I got back to work, it was just another day. There were a few people who pulled me aside to ask if I was OK. And I truly appreciate that. I have to be honest, I work with an INCREDIBLE group of people. They were completely understanding. They could not believe that I was able to take all of this and still show up to work and do my job. I have been conditioned to take what life throws at me and find a way to absorb it and keep moving forward. However I never gave myself an opportunity to address it all. But being outside and in nature, just myself and my best friend-slash-companion-slash-Ryde or Die, it gave me a chance to process all that has happened and all that I have to look forward to. I did not take turning 40 very well. But it is gone. I am now looking at 41. It is time to figure out a way to get back to living. L-I-V-I-N-'. It is time to evaluate my relationships and my role in them. It is time to figure out the person that I am wanting to be. I have seen a lot of unbelievable people fade out of my life and a lot of them are never coming back. Some of them I can only talk to in spirit. I am not promised another 10 years. I am not promised another year. Is this the kind of person that I want to be remembered for? And if not, then what I am going to have to do to get to that person?

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samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

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5 Celebrities Who Did Crazy Scummy (And Underreported) Stuff

Maybe you’ve seen a picture of Justin Timberlake eating an apple and thought, “The stars, they’re just like us!” And while it’s true that some celebrities have apples like us — like we normal folk do for every single meal — some of them might be legitimately unhinged. Here are several ludicrous incidents wherein the stars were quite decidedly not like us.

50 Cent Bullied An Autistic Airline Employee

You’d think that after owning more bullet wounds than hit albums, 50 Cent (aka Curtis James Jackson III) would be a little more judicious in his dealings with strangers. But back in 2016, as he was apparently looking for ways to stave off boredom in the Cincinnati Airport, he noticed something fishy about one of the young maintenance workers. He seemed almost high, like the kind you might get from drugs — or as they’re called on the street, reefers.

50 leapt into action! No, he didn’t contact a supervisor to let them know their employee was on drugs; he got out his phone and followed the man around so he could mock him on Instagram. Hilarious, right? A drug user? At an AIRPORT!? It quickly went viral, but not in the way he was expecting.

The employee, a young man named Andrew Farrell, did his best to ignore Mr. Cent as he pointed his phone at him and lamented how “crazy” the younger generation is. He wondered aloud to his Instagram followers, “What kind of shit you think he took before he got to work today?” Sadly, this was the sort of abuse that Mr. Farrell had become accustomed to over the years. Because Mr. Farrell is not a drug addict — he’s autistic. Yes, 50 Cent was harassing and publicly humiliating a stranger because of a developmental disorder, not a drug habit.

Before our president made mocking the disabled a partisan issue, everyone agreed this was terrible. Fans were outraged, and liquor stores threatened to stop selling the faded rap star’s “Effen Vodka” brand of booze.

Effen Vodka“Effen” is, of course, a Dutch children’s game about number guessing. Wait, unless 50 Cent meant it like “Fuckin’ Vodka”? Oh 50, that’s naughty!

Read Next

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Justin Bieber Abandoned His Dog, And His Backup Dancer Had To Pay For Its Surgery

Justin Bieber“Sorry dude, but you know how many [current fad bullshit item]s I can buy with that?”

Vince Neil Body-Slammed a Woman Because She Snubbed Him For Nicolas Cage

Elektra Records

Aaron Eckhart Crashed A Support Group For Grieving Parents

Lionsgate“So in this scene, I’m supposed to have half a face? Well off comes half my face, then!”

Nic Cage has been in some crummy flicks, but he was in a pretty good one already in 2018 called Mom and Dad that’s worth checking out.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-celebrities-who-did-crazy-scummy-and-underreported-stuff/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/177604784842

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valknutjo · 6 years ago

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Post-breakup thougts

I put my 100% into this relationship, and I only always wanted you to be happy and thrive. I never liked PDA, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t an affectionate girlfriend. Weeks before your birthdays, anniversaries, v-day, xmas, etc, I would procrastinate studying by scrolling through pinterest, groupon, random blogs for things to make it special. Kidnapping you on your 20th birthday and driving two hours to go rock climbing was one of the most fun days of my life, just because making you happy always made me so unbelievably happy. Skipping work this past summer to take you stand up paddleboarding in Chicago on a random Tuesday, and surprising you with an impromptu beach trip, and seeing you laugh when we got swayed away by a current, made my shitty week better. I regularly browsed thrillist and groupon for random stuff for us to do, and imagining how happy you would be literally brought a smile to my face, even if it was fleeting relief from studying ECE 120/220//210/342/385. One of my biggest hobbies was surprising you with random lingerie for no reason, and seeing you face light up. Imagining how you would react to a certain color or style turned me on, and made me so excited to see your reaction. Any time you were stressed, sad, or anxious, all I wanted was to hold you close and kiss you and make you feel a little better and less alone. And I feel like I did a good job. When you were nervous for an exam, I spent time trying to figure out how to teach it to you best, and help you succeed. Literally every interview you got, I was there with you prepping you, looking up questions on glassdoor/quora/reddit, stalking people on linkedin, and trying to figure out how to get you through it. Even when you were studying other things, I would research stuff for you to help you succeed. It never felt like a job or chore, it was something I truly wanted to do because you were my partner in life. When you got the Apple second round and I didn’t, I was truly ecstatic for you. There was no jealousy. Not because I’m not a petty person, but because I saw you as my partner and I strived for your success as much as I strived for my own. In fact, the only reason I wasn’t completely desolate after that interview was the fact that you did advance.

You never saw me the same way. From the beginning, you were jealous of my grades, the fact that I got interviews and offers early on, the fact that I got more attention from the opposite sex than you. Whenever anything good happened to you, it made me as happy as if it happened to me, but when things were reversed you sometimes became bitter. Telling me “not every interview can be a success” before Northrop killed me. You did a good job of supporting me when I was at my worst, but you sometimes made me feel guilty for asking for time to help me prepare for an interview, an exam, etc. I know this was most likely a personal insecurity for you, but it felt like you loved me less that I loved you, because you weren’t my number one cheerleader the way I was yours. At the end of this summer, when I told you about SpaceX, and you responded that way, my heart clenched up. I still remember sitting in the car, feeling like the walls were closing in on me, because for the first time in our relationship I doubted if you truly cared about me, and if we would make it. Until that day, I truly believed we were going to spend our lives together. We would literally spend hours looking at zillow.com listings in SF, San Diego, Austin, and I imagined our entire lives together. After that day, though, things changed. We had been dating for almost two years and you reacted like that?? Part of me was always waiting for the other shoe to drop since then, because your reaction seemed to be proof you didn’t love me as much as I loved you; if the situation was reversed, I would have been fucking thrilled. For the record, I bombed that interview. I was crying right before it, and immediately after it, and felt completely alone.

Right now, sitting in the living room of 606, I am so hurt, confused, and quite frankly, angry. I was there for you 100%, I truly was your partner, and I was ready to be there with you again, and you end things because you think you can do better than me? I cared for you so fucking much, and knew you better than anyone else. No one else would have done half as much for you as I did, and I honestly don’t think you’ll find someone better for you than me. Yes, I expected you to be there for me, but I supported you so much through thick and thin; you would not be where you are right now without me. I had known you for only a few months when you got sick, but I sat by you for hours in that hospital and literally felt the pain you did with the spinal tap. I still want you to be happy, and hope you find what you’re looking for, but I’m dying inside. Why aren’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? How aren’t we right for each other? You clearly still love me, or you wouldn’t have reacted that strongly at Noodles and Company, so what am I missing? Maybe I’ll never know, but I do know one thing: I was an amazing girlfriend, and I don’t think you’ll ever find someone who genuinely understands you and cares for you more than I did. I’m not sure if you’ll give me more closure, but it’s time for me to move forward.

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thefinalprose · 7 years ago

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Episode One: I Lost to a Chicken.

Well, here I am. Again. Long story short, I wrote recaps for several seasons and needed a breather. Good thing I took one because from what I’ve heard Arie’s season was about as exciting as the intro paragraph to this recap.

When the Bachelor suitor bios came out, I just couldn’t resist and decided to write about them. The response was enough of an ego stroke that I have decided to recap Becca’s season, just a little differently. This time, no one will edit for me; they may take a week to post (sorry this took so long, I was out of town) and I might write whilst enjoying a cocktail. Regardless, I promise the same judgmental snark.

The first episode of the season is always a fan favorite. We get to re-live the new lead’s sad story of heartbreak; we’ll likely see past contestants show up to offer advice on finding everlasting love on national television in less than 90 days and it’s our first official look at the new suitors as they arrive at the mansion. A few will do something over the top for attention; a few will be too nervous to form a sentence that makes sense and one will definitely get blitzed. And probably half naked.

As though I’ve watched this before, the episode starts with the (first) reminder that Arie dicked Becca over last season. He proposed, she said yes and during one of their secret romantic getaways before they could officially go public as a couple, he breaks up with her with cameras rolling so he could go be with the runner up from his season. Who he had already spoken to about the idea. I want to say I’m surprised ABC let this happen, but they stopped surprising me with bad ideas when they let Nick try (and fail) at love 107 times.

Becca arrives at the mansion to be greeted by Kaitlyn, JoJo and Rachel; the most recent Bachelorette’s who are there to inspire success as they are all still engaged to the winner of their seasons. JoJo says, “it’s about to be bigger and better” and I hope that’s a dig at fantasy suite Arie.

The Bachelorette’s sage the mansion and I wonder if anyone outside of LA knows what that means.

SUITOR PREVIEWS

Before all 25ish suitors step out of the limo, we are made privy to a few of the standouts from the season. A little teaser, if you will.

First up is Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss. As unsure as I am about a person that doesn’t swear, I’m more leery of an NFL player that needs The Bachelorette to find “love”.

Garrett, the guy who does Chris Farley impressions, is next and guess what? He does a Chris Farley impression that I bet you can’t guess I hate.

I do.

He lists off a bunch of made up winter activities he enjoys because, you know, Becca is from Minnesota and it’s always winter there.

We see Jordan, the guy who is definitely a self-proclaimed “Instagram model”, having a photo shoot. He shares that his “brand” is “the pensive gentleman” and I’m going to guess that’s also his Grindr handle. He claims being a male model is taxing because he has to go to the gym year round. I don’t see modeling in my future and I, too have to go to the gym year round. Check out my Instagram page; I talk about it every once in a while. He also says he can see him and Becca, in sweats, on a couch with a tub of chocolate and a chick flick which is definitely the rest of his Grindr bio.

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, is seen walking along Hollywood Boulevard with a huge smile on his face. If you’ve ever walked along Hollywood Boulevard, you know that no one should be smiling. I don’t trust him.

Joe, the grocery store owner, has been practicing his grocery store humor and I’d like to check out.

I’m not even sorry for that terrible joke.

Jean Blanc, the guy who loves cologne enough to call himself a Colognoisseur, tells us he’s going to blow Becca’s nose away and I hope it’s because he’s bringing an eight ball to the mansion.

I was certain that the joke about Colton, another pro football player, would be about his YouTube date ask to Aly Raisman out but oh, was I wrong. The joke is that he’s wearing a velour hooded vest over a shirt with leather sleeves. You know those men who make too much money too early on so they spend it on really dumb shit? That’s Colton. Who let him wear this? Who recorded this video for him letting him wear this? Why does he own this? What is happening?

LIMO EXITS + INTRO’S

It’s time for the men to arrive at the mansion and of the first five men, three of them have said, “Let’s do the damn thing” which became annoying even before the season aired.

The next five all make a joke about Arie, because every woman wants to talk about her shitty ex with a potential new love interest.

The five after that are the five that met her at After the Finale Rose when she was announced The Bachelorette.

We are fifteen dudes deep and I’m pretty sure only one of these guys is wearing socks with his loafers. Is this a thing men do? Is there a reason for it? Gross.

David, the guy that loves guacamole but hates avocados, comes out in a chicken costume and makes more chicken jokes than I knew even possible and yet none of them are cock jokes. Impressive or disappointing?

Disappointing.

The rest of the entrances were actually pretty lame and I suddenly remember that there is a drink limit on this show now.

Once everyone has arrived, Becca enters the house to greet the suitors for the first time and the drama among the men begins. The Bachelorette is way more fun than The Bachelor because dude drama is so much more entertaining. Remember Shawn and Nick? JJ and Clint? Chad? Oh, Chad.

Clay, a professional football player who doesn’t fucking cuss, takes Becca aside to make dolls or something weird like that. John, the guy who created Venmo, immediately shares that he is the creator of Venmo because in San Francisco that definitely gets him laid every single time.

It’s Christon’s, the guy with a made up job and name, turn and he takes her outside to a basketball hoop, has her hold the ball above her head and then pulls a Harlem Globetrotter dunk move. I’m pretty sure every dude in the house has a semi after watching. I kinda do too, tbh.

Becca and Blake, the ‘modern romantic’, sit in front of the fire and do that thing where they hold hands, but not just with one pair of hands with both pairs of hands and I’m super annoyed by it. He wins her over by saying, “I just know that if I could love the wrong person so much [his ex], imagine how much I can love the right person” and I wonder how many times he Googled “quotes about love” before choosing that one to use.

Chris Harrison arrives with the first impression rose and now it’s time for the men to step up their game. And by stepping up their game I mean:

Lincoln, who apparently was named after honest Abe, gives her an ancient Nigerian bracelet and tells her she’s now part of the family. Nick, aspiring lead singer of a boy band, has a vibrating back massager that I am completely certain he uses for other things. David, the guy who showed up with chicken jokes wearing a chicken costume, asks Becca to do the chicken dance with him because this fucking guy still hasn’t run out of chicken jokes. Garrett, who showed up in a minivan, takes Becca to the pool to teach her to fly fish and what do ya know (said in an exaggerated midwestern accent) it makes Becca feel at home.

Chris, whose life goal is to retire by 40, has a dilemma and needs the advice of three dudes he just met. Apparently he knows Chase’s ex girlfriend who told him that Chase isn’t there for the right reasons. Chris is perplexed -- should he confront Chase about it? Remember when I said dude drama is hilarious? Exhibit A.

They have a boring confrontation about it and Chase runs to Becca to tell her. This is the least dramatic drama I’ve ever watched. Becca doesn’t understand the context, Chase brings Chris into the conversation and this is so dumb.

That conversation brought light to Becca that there may be men here with ill intentions and she shares that someone rubbed her the wrong way earlier in the night. Like all of us, she’s there to be rubbed the right way, so she wants to address it.

She asks Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota, to step aside to chat. She tries to send him home because in their several times of meeting he never pursued her and now wants to on national TV. He doesn’t make it easy for her and I’m afraid Minnesota will ban him for life like they did Arie.

There is a guy with a Harry Potter tattoo and this is why I feel badly for people who are trying to date. You have to worry about finding the perfect person only to realize he has a fucking Harry Potter tattoo.

Becca finally picks up the first impression rose and gives it to Garrett, the guy who showed up in a minivan. She leans in to kiss him and he goes for the cheek. She grabs him by the neck and he finally gets it. Maybe he really is Chris Farley.

ROSE CEREMONY

The only thing I don’t understand about the rose ceremony is how Joe was sent home. I still hope he’s the next Bachelor.

LINE OF THE NIGHT

“There are so many balls here” -- Becca, during the impromptu basketball game.

ELIMINATED

Jake, a guy that she already knows as they have a shared friend group in Minnesota,

Joe, the love of my life

Chase, a could-be serial killer

Kamil -- social media participant who I’m guessing won’t be participating in social media for a while after being sent home night one

Darius, who lives in the Valley

Grant, the electrician with electrician jokes

Christian, whose head was too small for his body

Okay, now I am going to watch episode two so the recap doesn’t take as long to post.

#thebachelor #thebachelorette #funny #tvrecap #humor #realitytv #beccakufrin #nickviall #comedy #writing

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bargain-sale-mage-blog · 8 years ago

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The Planes, Part I

TL;DR Existence is a building starting at -9 floors and going up to 7 floors (17 total). The closer you get to the bottom, the more you suck. The closer you get to the top, the more you unsuck. -9 and 7 are suites for Nothing and God, you can’t go there because you aren’t cool enough.

Not the kinds you hear about in the news that get hijacked by terrorists or entertain impromptu boxing matches, but more like the ones you hear about in high fantasy settings (Gee, I wonder why). This is a topic I have a soft spot for, so you’ll see it pop up more often than most things I mention.

The easiest, most watered down way I can think of explaining planes is to compare it to a bowl of Seven Layer Dip. You’ve got your refried beans, your guacamole, your sour cream, all that good shit piled on top of each other. Each one has its own space, but they all affect each other and contribute to the dish as a whole. The planes of existence are layers of “reality,” separeated by barriers that are either too complicated or too foreign to really break down.

When you look in a mall for a particular sign that has that little “You Are Here” sticker, that would be placed right on the middle of the Material Plane. We’re at basically level 0. Everything interacts in a particular balance to produce this happy little world. Above us are the Upper Planes, and below us are the Lower Planes. No amount of my research has been able to figure out why someone would call the planes above us Upper and below us Lower. Truly, a mystery. In actuality, they do have names that I have not become familiar with and a future post will most likely fix that.

The Upper Planes feature around seven levels The highest tippy-top plane is reserved for good ol’ Him. This is basically the realm of pure divinity, the home of most deities. The realm or two below it are still pretty divine (I’m not going there any time soon, that’s for sure), but less so than the top floor. This is the area you’ll find lesser gods, angels, celestials, and divine beings like that. The remaining floors between there and the Material Plane are spiritual planes, areas that souls can go that bodies cannot. This is where you’d find the general notion of Heaven to be at, with ascended individuals like Buddhas and demigods to have their homes towards the top and people of good standing to be towards the bottom.

The Lower Planes are shitty, generally. There are nine of them, usually. I suspect there are more planes here to accommodate a growing population. The deepest level of this is the home of... well, nothing. Literally. All that doesn’t exist exists here, in the shadows of the planes above it. Supposedly, only a handful of beings have ever been sent here (it is the deepest level of Hell) and none of them are folks you want to rub elbows with. I don’t even think the number of souls sent here passed the teens, honestly.

The levels above it are much like the reverse of the Upper Planes. The closer you get to the Material Plane, the less dark and impure things get. Evil people and monsters just get banished closer to the bottom, depending on their degree of douchéry.

There are two names I want to mention, and will spell wrong because I don’t feel like Googling them correctly: the Sephirot and the Qliphoth. These come from old, old teachings in the Jewish Qabalah, and they refer to the true forms of God and ____, respectively. Below is the “anatomy” for God.

He’s divided up into ten pieces, each with different degrees of divinity and jobs to maintain in the Universe. Keter is the highest level of God, the crown. You wouldn’t normally call the crown a part of the body like this, but you can’t really be THE LORD without it, now can you? The Qlipoth is the shadow of this, created in the wake of pure holiness that is God. It’s existence helps keep divinity from just keeping the Universe stuck in permanent Heaven mode, and balances it out (can’t have the light without dark). This pattern is repeated across many faiths over many places, and I believe the root for this chart is based in the chakras of Hindu beliefs.

The reason I bring this up is because the Sephirot and Qlipoth are the top and bottom of the Upper and Lower Planes, respectively. Their infinite interactions and opposition create the Universe that we know in the Material Plane.

I’m tired, so I’ll put things like the Astral Plane, the Plane of Twilight/Chaos, the Akashic Record, etc., into a post tomorrow. I am aware that much of this information is trimmed down or slightly off, but I’ll discover that in my own time.

#Sephirot #Qlipoth #magic #planes of existence #Material Plane #Upper Planes #Lower Planes #Qabalah

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