#I want his paramour to ditch him and then for him to die

[amplexadversary]

ykw maybe it's better that I don't get to go into the CR tag tonight because with 3-102's ending, annoyingly, despite all the other shit in the episode, I just know all the tag's going to have in it it stupid fucking Caleb

I hope Ashton cucks that screentime-hog in his own bed I hate him so much.

[electronicdelusionstarlight]

Speaking off, I just now realized not everyone in the world had to live through one whole year of Promessi Sposi in High School.

So, here I Promessi Sposi (The Promised Spouses), the FIRST book to ever be written into the actual Italian Language, kinda, straigh out of the 800's:

0) The story is framed as a Found Footage book. The (Fictional) Author found a collection of diaries written by a second (Fictional) Author, and decided to adapt them and publish them as a completed book, changing as little as possible.

1) So, "On that branch of the Como's Lake that turns toward the Midday" is a small and simple village in the 500's, under the control of a powerful Lord. In the village lives Don (Read "Father") Abbondio, the Town Priest, a cowardly and stressed Saint Bernard in human form, and true protagonist of this story according to some critics.

2) Anyway, Abbondio Is taking his morning stroll minding his own business when he is accosted by two Bravi (Read Henchmen). The Bravi, working directly under Don (Read Asshole) Rodrigo's orders, the local lord, threaten the priest, who was to marry a young couple (The Titular Promised Spouses) later in the day, into dropping the marriage ("This marriage shall not be done. Not now, not EVER!")

3) Abbondio, cowardly Saint Bernard he is, instantly goes back into his house and tells Perpetua (Actual role among single women into aiding local Catholic priests into tasks commonly reserved to women. Basically his "Maid") what has happened, only for Renzo, One Half of the Promised Spouses, to show up all happy for the marriage.

4) Renzo Is a Blue collar worker, honest to a fault, but is also hot headed and has been eyeing some Guillotines on his free time, so the news of the local lord pressuring the local priest not to have him marry kinda tick him off. He storms back to Lucia (Lit. Bringer of Light), the other half of the Promised Spouses, to warn her that the priest is having cold feet now that there is the possibility for him to be found dead in a ditch if the two youngsters were to marry.

5) Lucia is Pious and Demure. Imagine a frail songbird but with a rosary in her grasp. That's Lucia.

6) Anyway, Lucia reveals that the Local Lord, The Incel Don Rodrigo, has been trying to fuck her for a while, mostly due to a bet he made with his cousin, the Chad Attilio, But she has always denied herself to him. This makes Renzo almost go into apocalyptic rage, but he knows he alone can't do shit against Rodrigo, so he tries more legal means.

7) The only lawyer around is corrupt, so they go directly to a superior power, Friar Cristoforo. Cristoforo used to be a asshole noble named Lorenzo, fastest saber in the north and all, but then one day his servant Cristoforo died in his arms to save him, and he had a change of heart over it, changed name, and became a good and just Friar. Dude instantly starts working to help the two Spouses, alone if he has to, even if it kills him.

8) First thing first, he goes to Don Rodrigo and tries to have him see reason. Rodrigo is unfortunately a creepy fuck ("Look, if this Lucia is so afraid, tell her to come here. I'll... Hire her and protect her for her... Services") which does push Cristoforo into actual Apocalyptic rage. He does not skewer Rodrigo unfortunately, like he would have as Lorenzo, but he does say the immortal line "The Day Will Come-!" Instantly spooking the man with the prospect of his incoming death.

9) Rodrigo is on edge now, so he calls his second in command, Il Griso, to have Lucia Kidnapped and brought to him in the night. As this happens, Cristoforo goes for Plan B, which is help the Spouses run away from the village and hide them out for a while. As this happens, Lucia's mom tries to pull a fast one too, has Lucia and Renzo attempt to strongarm Abbondio into marrying them, but the plan fails because Lucia was too Demure and Pious to go through with it, so they have to run away in the middle of the night.

10) Lucia goes to Mantova with her mom, hiding in a Convent run by the Monaca di Monza (Lit. "Monza's (Female) Monk"). She is this tragic morally grey character who was forced into the nun life by her rich father, and thinks the same is happening to Lucia, and is currently having a secret thirst with a shady dude, and has killed a fellow nun who ended up discovering it. More on this later.

11) Renzo goes to Milan. Unfortunately, revolution also goes to Milan, and Renzo, attracted by the Siren Song of the Guillotine, joins in the protests for the lack of bread. The local Spanish Governor seemingly placates the mobs, but Renzo Is accosted by a undercover cop during the riots and is blamed as a scapegoat for the whole thing, branded as a medieval times Antifa if you will. He manages to escape that situation too with the help of some other rioters, and goes further away into Veneto, another country compared to Lombardy at the time, and starts living there with his cousin, waiting for Godot Lucia.

12) Lucia is tricked by the Monaca di Monza into getting kidnapped by her Paramour. He is a Bravo too, but for another, far stronger, far more powerful Lord, one the author doesn't dare name, and is simply called L'innominato (Lit. "The Unmentioned"). He has been contacted by Rodrigo, who meanwhile has managed to use his contacts in the church to quietly have Cristoforo moved away from the village, and is doing this as a favour to him.

13) Lucia is now a prisoner of the Unmentioned, but, depressed as she is, right after she decides to take a Bow of Chastity to the Virgin Mary in the case she was to be saved, her Demure personality and Pious behaviour manage to strike the Unmentionable so hard he has a change of heart and becomes good. He dismisses the men who didn't want to go down with him with ample pay due to the loyalty they had for him, goes to town, where saintly cardinal Borromeo is currently visiting, and confesses all his crimes, wanting to repent, freeing Lucia in the process, now chaste for life.

14) Borromeo calls out Abbondio, Who was currently among the local priests in his entourage, for not doing shit to help the two Spouses, and Abbondio goes "easy for you to say, rich and powerful as you are, what should have I done, die?"

15) Then, put of nowhere, the Plague arrives. Lots of people catch it and die, among them Rodrigo, Il Griso, Attilio, Lucia's Mom, Perpetua and Cristoforo. Lucia and Renzo meet back in a local lazarette, both having survived the Plague, and Lucia reveals that she will never fuck him. Cristoforo has enough time before dying to absolve her of her vow since "The Virgin Mary Will Understand, that a vow made in such conditions is no vow at all" and Rodrigo survives long enough to be forgiven by Cristoforo, Lucia and Renzo.

16) Renzo and Lucia ho back to their village, where Abbondio, Who also survived the Plague, one of the few people in the village who did, finally marries them. They still move back into Veneto since, like... Renzo Is still branded as a Anarchist, and they live there for the rest of their lives, Renzo trying to tell his kids to never start fights, since that's how you get into trouble, and Lucia telling them that it didn't really matter in the end since she never started a fight herself yet all the men in her life gave her plenty of trouble as it is.

The End

And this was one of the most important stories of the Italian Language.