#I wanna hide myself huhu

[the-lazyyy-artist]

I got catfished by an ROTG role-player here on Tumblr.

Just a wacky silly experience I had here on Tumblr YEARS ago, and every time it comes to mind, I feel so embarrassed of myself.

The year was 2012 or 2013, and it was when the Rise of The Guardian craze was rising on Tumblr. I was fairly new to the fandom and on this website and found the most engaging RP blog. I think the handle was playingwiththeguardians or something and the user behind the blog was very entertaining and did their best to respond to every ask, despite it being anon or not.

Of course, I tried to engage with the blog, and it easily became the highlight of my day every time I came home from school and checked their response. Eventually, I found out that he was a guy, and he had a twin sister. He would post personal pictures and shenanigans, and I adored that. I also told him about myself because, ya know, as a teenager with raging emotions (mostly loneliness), I wanted to connect with him on a personal level, too. I also kinda want him to remember me.

Then one day, he asked for my number. He sent a personal message here on Tumblr, and as naive as I can be, I gave my number. We'd text all day, he'd call, and I was so giddy and happy that he was giving me this attention. It was magic. His twin sister also started talking to me using his phone number, and I was so honored.

And then it stopped. and I got sad. Kinda accepted that maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Years later, I reconnected with his twin sister on Twitter and eventually asked about him. All she told me was that he doesn't have any social media accounts, and he's usually very busy because he took up an engineering course. So, it was just the both of us who caught up about life and relationships.

It was then I started to stalk his twin sister on Facebook and Twitter and there was no trace of him, even on the older photos. I found that very intriguing because if he existed, why wasn't he on any pictures?

Then, I realized that maybe "he" never existed.

I mentally listed all the red flags I missed before:

"He" told me that "he" and his twin sister were identical twins. Identical twins are always of the same gender. The fuck???

There was this time that it was their birthdays, and "he" got drunk, so the twin sister texted me instead. I found that very weird before.

No pictures??? Why?? And the only picture "he" has was in his blog. "He" always wore a beanie in every single one.

When "his" blog disappeared, his twin sister created a blog. I asked her why he stopped. All she told me was that he became very busy.

I cannot believe that it happened to me. I thought about confronting her (it's her now since "he" never existed), but I still don't have the guts. It's just a distant memory of happiness and confusion now. Was I really craving acceptance and attention when I was younger? Yes, and I realized that getting that attention from an internet stranger who lives in the same country as you wasn't the best idea.

I feel so bad about my teenage self.

God.

[yakumtsaki]

Tragically, I have returned. I’d like to begin this update by thanking @lurking-lilibeth​ for solving the mystery of how tf Sugar died: apparently the ‘struck by lighting’ memory is glitched and sometimes won’t show up, so the conclusion is Sugar got hit by lighting, his needs went to shit, and he crawled to the bathroom to die. A death most befitting Sugar, if I say so myself! How cute are the zombs??

-They sure are, I wanna be struck by lighting, become a zombie, and go on a date with Sandy too! 

Sophito istg, first you roll Jojo’s werewolf bs, now this, GET YOUR OWN THING

-Forget about my faildad and look at me being all pretty and wholesome and non-conspiracy-to-murderous!

YOU. Seriously, it’s been like 2 months since the last update and I still haven’t recovered from the reveal of Felina’s ‘real self’. Admiring herself in the mirror while her uncle died, there hasn’t been such a stone cold bitch around here since VICTORIA.

-I’m a stone cold bitch! Aren’t I, Servilia, you lil’ cutiepie baby booboo?

I mean you’re definitely formidable, Soph, especially when babytalking to the dogs, but you must admit you have mellowed out a lot in your old age.

-WHAT?! ME??? I’M SOPHIE THE TERROR FUCKING MIGUEL, I FEEL NOTHING. NOTHING-

-SERVILIA NO!!!! TAKE ME INSTEAD, I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR, NOTHING

-Gee thanks, grandma.

-GET OUT OF HERE YOU NON-DEATH-REACTIVE FREAKSHOW

Ya team Sophie on this one. Rest in piece Servilia, you were sweet, cuddly, batshit insane and gave us a dog heir that looks like a deer. I’ll miss you baby❤️

Felina can you have one shred of dignity and wait till Bartholomew’s birthday so this can be an even fight? 

-Did HE have a shred of dignity when he RUINED MY PARTY???

Well no but I reprimanded him for it too!

-NO YOU DIDN’T

I didn’t? Probably too busy laughing, either way knock it off!

-I can take care of myself, GET REKT, FAILINA

-HE BIT MY FINGER OFF, YOU LITTLE SHIT, ONCE YOU’RE A TEEN I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU

-I’LL MURDER YOU FIRST. I’LL MURDER YOU TONIGHT IN YOUR SLEEP

SOPHITO FATHER OF THE YEAR DO YOU MIND INTERVENING AT SOME POINT

-Is Klaus getting a little fat, Remington? 

-I think so, you should put him on a diet.

FFS, MOVING ON

I’m happy to see Cyneswith come out of mourning, and I’ll continue to hide my shock that she was in mourning in the first place.

-Does you metal back feel a little less tense now, iVan, huhu?🌸 -𝙸𝚃 𝚂𝚄𝚁𝙴 𝙳𝙾𝙴𝚂. 𝙸𝙽 𝙲𝙰𝚂𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄 𝙲𝙰𝙽'𝚃 𝚃𝙴𝙻𝙻, 𝙸 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙴 𝙳𝙴𝚅𝙴𝙻𝙾𝙿𝙴𝙳 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙰𝙱𝙸𝙻𝙸𝚃𝚈 𝚃𝙾 𝙻𝙸𝙴.

That’s great, iVan, are you ever gonna develop the ability to do something around here that isn’t fighting zombies and banging the elderly?

-𝚈𝙴𝚂😉

How did you even wink??

Cyn is such a good ‘grandma’, bro I cannot. WHERE WAS THIS SHIT WHEN SUGAR WAS A KID

-I was young and hot back then!💗

You know what, enough is enough, I’m breaking this cycle of bad parenting!

Liz stop vibing with Shajar and get your ass downstairs.

-But I love Shaj! -And I love you, Liz, you’re the child I never had! 

Ok is it me or is it really becoming clear that both Shaj and Cyn wanted daughters?? Whatever, LIZ GO DOWNSTAIRS AND TALK TO YOUR DUMB EVIL KIDS

-FINE

-Little detour hehehe!  -Oh Soph, let’s get a pool table in here and relive our youth!

GO TALK TO YOUR KIDS I WILL KILL YOU BOTH

-We totally totally will, just give us 2 hours- -3 hours- -Yes, 3 hours, to ‘get ready’- -Hehe! -Huhu!

I HATE YOU

-Alright kids, we are here for you.  -We absolutely are. For 10 minutes, then we have to go upstairs again. -Exactly. So let me just start the clock here, aaand we have 10 minutes, alright, GO.  -So kids, fighting is bad.  -Yes. And we are family and we love each other.  -Right. So no more fighting, ok? -Yes, good talk! Let’s go, darling.

-If I might address the elephant in the room- -Oh he’s gonna talk too? Ok. -9 minutes 28 seconds.  -I have done my best to hide it as to not disrupt the family BUT FELINA IS BULLYING ME. -WHAT?! THAT’S IT, I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE TOILET -Felina!

-HE’S LYING, HE’S BULLYING ME, HE’S THE WORST BROTHER IN THE UNIVERSE AND HE RUINED MY PARTY, YOU WERE THERE YOU REMEMBER -We were?! -I have no fucking idea.  -WILL YOU STOP WHISPERING, WE CAN HEAR YOU -Ya you’re not even trying to whisper, you’re just talking in normal volume italics. -STOP AGREEING WITH ME -EAT SHIT

-ALRIGHT. This has gotten out of hand and we need to leave in 7 minutes and 17 seconds, so here it is. Bartholomew, you are the worst brother in the universe. -HA.

-Felina, you are a psychopathic robot. You are both terrible, terrible kids. But.. that’s just how Union kids are! -Exactly, by our standards you are normal and that’s why everyone hates our family! -So when you go out in the world, you’ll have to rely on each other because everyone else will despise you!  -They will?? -Honey, everyone hated me and your father, and we had way more going for us than you two.

-So.. no more fighting?? -No more fighting. -And being a Union is a bad thing?? -It’s not bad, it’s just that there is a preconceived notion around town that we are.. umm.. -Trash! -Trash, thank you, babe. 

-So, now that we’ve cleared this up, we’re gonna go!  -You kids get along from now on, cause you only have each other! -And don’t bother us anymore!

Well, that’s all better now. What’s up, Vic?

-THE FUCK WAS THIS SHIT~

A heartfelt family discussion, clearly!

-THE KIDS ARE FIGHTING AND THAT WAS THE BEST THESE LOSERS COULD DO?!~

Um, do I need to remind you of your parenting?

-I RAISED JOJO!~

Is that supposed to be a flex?

-I’LL HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THIS LIKE I DO EVERYTHING ELSE!~

Oh, goodie!

-FELINA UNION~ -AAAAAAAAAA WHAT THE HELL  -I AM YOU GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER!~ -Ya I KNOW, I worship you!  -GOOD. THEN YOU MUST HEED THE ADVICE YOUR DUMBASS PARENTS GAVE YOU AND MAKE UP WITH YOUR BROTHER! UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL!~ -But I hate him and I wanna win the heirship so I can damnatio memoriae him! -FELINA, I SENSE A DARKNESS IN YOU~ -Well you better, I didn’t rebrand for nothing! -REMEMBER, THE HEIRSHIP ISN’T A FIGHT TO THE DEATH!~ -FINE, I’ll remember it! Will you go away now? -I WILL.. BUT IF SOMETHING THREATENED THE FAMILY I’D HAVE TO COME BACK.. SO DON’T MAKE ME COME BACK!~ -Crazy dead bitch! -I’M STILL HERE!~

It’s a new day and this lot is FUCKED, we’re def gonna have to gtfo. The fire that started the night Sugar died IS STILL GOING but is not acknowledged by anyone, we just have a permanent glitched fire burning in the background. SYMBOLIC

-Mmmm.. Now I know what I want for my birthday.. Failina barbecue!

Try again!

-How about a kitty? 

‘Grew up badly’ memory avoided at the last second! Ugh I’m such a pro gamer. 

Welcome to the fam, Wendy! Wendy is really cute and mean and is gonna have kittens with Shinok! Alright Barth, time to blow the candles..

-Can I blow my parents’ brains out instead? 

Ya can’t blame you on this one, WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR 2 MINS 

Alright, here we go, I’m not even gonna ask what you’re wishing for because we all know. 

Glitched yard background fire: 🔥🔥🔥

-WOOOO IM HOT

Not so fast, the Ti-Ning nose takes no prisoners! 

-Failina has it too!!! >:(

Well it looks better on girls, what can I tell ya! Whatever, let’s roll for your aspiration, don’t even THINK of rolling family too..

-Oh don’t worry, I sure won’t!

UGH. At least we have a normal chem panel for once as Barth likes fancy bespectacled non-blondes. Boy do I have someone in mind for you! 

NOP NEVERMIND IT’S CYN ROUND 2. FML

Ok Barth, here is your interim makeover until I download some stuff for you, how do you like it?

-I don’t know, I feel there’s something missing!

That’s just your soul, don’t worry about it!

-No no, it’s something else..

Alright I see where this is going..

-Now that’s better!

Oh ya, you look.. there are no words.

-HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY CROWN IDEA YOU FUCKING UNMOPPED VOMIT CHUNK -AT LAST THE CROWN RESTS ON THE HEAD OF SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT -IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE WITH YOUR OUTFIT

She’s got us there, Barth, you look ridic. 

-YOU, SHUT UP, AND YOU, FAILINA, BRING YOUR HAND CLOSER SO I CAN BITE THE ENTIRE THING OFF

-YOU’VE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME, BARFOLOMEW. STYLING IS OFF LIMITS, IT’S THE HOLY RULE OF THE FAMILY, YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH IT!!!! -I DON’T CARE AND I WILL GET AWAY WITH IT!!!!

AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE ETERNAL BACKGROUND FALL-OF-THE-HOUSE-OF-USHER FIRE. GO TO SCHOOL, BRATS

-HEHE, here I go, first day of high school wearing a crown! Now everyone will know who’s boss!

Wow yea, that will def make people think you’re awesome and cool! 

-WOAH NICE CROWN -WHO IS THE NEW KID

WTF

-I’M BACK, LOSERS, AND I GOT AN A+ ON MY FIRST DAY THANKS TO MY BEAUTIFUL CROWN

-A̸N̵D̴ I G̸O̵T D̶E̸M̷O̴T̵E̵D A̶N̷D B̴R̷O̴U̶G̴H̶T M̴Y E̷X W̸I̷F̸E H̸O̸M̴E W̶I̴T̶H M̶E🧟

Seems like an amazing day for everyone! Where’s Felina?

OH THERE SHE IS. FELINA WHAT ARE YOU DOING

-I CURSE THIS BLOODLINE

HOE DON’T DO IT

-I CURSE IT TO DAMNATION

OH MY GOD

[handlewithkara]

Karamel Smut Fuel #5

#5 I’m in your hands, Kara

I think this like the first scene that really made me perk up about Karamel. Something about it feels really subtle. There are a lot of fun ways to read it, what is being said, the way Mon-El's voice goes soft. There is just something to be said about how right before he is loud and jokey and slightly insulting as they trade barbs about Daxam versus Krypton. And then first he swallows hard, looks down, voice goes soft. 

And when he gives her this look which to me reads as almost fearful, like this is a big deal that he is handing him over, what have I gotten myself into? 

On top of that, there is:

- Simple double entendre (huhu, handjobs, lol) - Subby double entendre ("I belong to you, you control me", maybe with a pinch of "this is totally a kinky Daxamite social custom") - Seductive double entendre (”So, you wanna be on top?”, “Any chance you want to take advantage of me?”)

I write a lot of sort of ... fake subby Mon-El? 

Where Mon-El sort of offers to be subby but doesn't necessarily mean it, it's just a way of disarming people? I just read Mon-El as somebody who was capable of lying and flirting with people (I think his scene where he talks Winn into taking him to bar, which is in the same episode, can be read that way) so I can totally picture that being something that is going on here (and of course Kara is way to innocent to get that that is what is going on). 

He is offering himself to Kara’s mercy, but it’s totally with the longterm goal to get into her pants. (again compare his mischiveous look in the screen grab above compared to the face he makes while/after he says the “in your hands” line)

(behold a woman who just had an alien prince subbily offering himself to her. It’s just part of the job!)

I guess this contrast between the two expressions of Mon-El can also be read as the reverse, with a genuinely subby Mon-El. Where the jokey attitude he has in the leadup to the scene (where they trashtalk each other’s planet) is just him posturing and when he talks about being in her hands he is showing genuine vulnerability and acknowledging that he is scared and knows he will need help. 

Still, I think considering Mon-El started rebelling against Kara’s leadership fairly quickly, I lean towards my interpretation of fake subby Mon-El. 

I mean on the show it seemed like they decided fairly quickly for their relationship to work Kara had to give Mon-El more freedom and that her controlling everything (how he dresses, where he works) was not going to work for him. Though I guess one could say that in a way he returned to her willingly later, when he comes to her to ask for more superhero training. Still, with him in his way having ulterior motives to return and hiding that aspect from her, it still feels more like “pretending to submit” rather than genuinely submitting or having an inner need to submit to me. 

As things continue we see Mon-El do some more struggling about his place in the relationship. They do end up in a space where Kara is still fairly commanding and Mon-El clearly has come around to being persuaded to her point of view over time. I’m not completely opposed to genuinely subby Mon-El (especially considering who his mom is I lean heavily towards Kara’s bossy side being at least part of the attraction, though in my headcanon it’s certainly the combination of Kara’s strength and temprament with her softer side), but even those parts of the relationship felt more like “he’s chill about it/about trying anything” and “doing it more for Kara’s sake”. 

And when he came back in season 3 to me their relationship didn’t vibe that way, even as Kara remained top dog in regards to action. (I might mull on that some more in case I do more “fuel” scenes from post season 2)

[hangjie]

hot damn, babygirl. [ richie tozier ]

summary: reader is beverly’s best friend and when they meet the losers at the convinence store, richie swoons at the reader.

warnings: watch yo profanity, female nature, creepy mr. keene, and dirty pick up lines

word count: 1815

author’s note: i changed some things and i loveeee writing about finn’s characters and i love finn so much. idk but this imagine sucks HAHAHAHAH sorryyy huhu. requests are open!!

─── • ° *｡✧ ───

people say that being a loner, being bullied, and having only one friend is lonely and miserable, but i got used to it because it’s basically my life.

i only have one friend and she’s beverly marsh. being friends with her is great and she’s a really good friend, despite being another target for gretta to humiliate. i don’t mind it actually because i got my best friend at my side and that’s all that matters.

but there was a much more bigger problem than gretta bullying the shit out of me.

i got my period and i’m out of pads.

i groaned out loud and clutched my stomach in pain. i hear a knock on the bathroom door and beverly’s worried voice asking, “(y/n)? are you okay?”.

beverly has been staying at my home for the past days since my parents are out of town working (again) and since her dad … that’s a long story.

“i’m fine, bev. it’s just that the fucking devil bashed me with a fucking bat and i’m bleeding everywhere and i’m damn out of pads.” i hear her chuckle from the other side of the door. “well, if you’re ‘damn out of pads’, then i suggest you hurry your little ass to change into new clothes and go to the drug store.” i groan out loud once again and scream, “fine” before changing into a new pair of jeans.

as me and beverly looked from left to right on the 'women’s necessities’ isle, i debated in my mind whether i should get tampons or pads.

“tampons or pads?” i mumbled to myself mostly. “tampons this time,” beverly says. “especially since you’ve been wearing your ripped jeans lately.” i nod and grab two boxs and hand the other one to beverly because you can never have too many in stock.

we move to pay for the box, but when we move to the other isle, we see gretta with her head down, bidding her dad goodbye.

“shit!” i whisper-shout, shoving beverly into the next isle before gretta could see any of us, but the next isle isn’t any better because there stood three boys who goes to derry who i recognized to be bill denbrough, stan uris, and eddie kaspbrak. we both immediately hide the box of tampons behind our backs in embarrassment.

“y-you guys okay?” bill asks. “we’re fine,” both me and beverly say simultaneously. “what’s wrong with you?” beverly asks. i hear footsteps behind us and the door open and close, indicating that gretta left the store. i sighed in relief and directed my full attention towards the three boys.

“none of your business.”

“there’s a kid outside , look like someone killed him,” eddie says as he cradles a bunch of medical supplies on his arms.

“we need some s-s-s-supplies, but we don’t have enough money.”

i nudge beverly on her side and i smirk mischievously, an idea popping into my head.

“i like your glasses, mr. keene,” beverly says, tilting her head to the side as if she was interested in anything related to him. “you look just like clark kent.” i smile, bringing my hand to my chin. he chuckles and adjusts his glasses. “i don’t know about that.”

“can i try them?” i ask, making mr. keene reluctantly take them off and give them to me. i put them on whilst looking directly at mr. keene. “what do you think?” he leans in on his elbows and sighs. “well how about that, you look just like lois lane.” i giggle, “really?” and he hums in return. i mentally barf in my mouth, knowing that clark kent and lois lane were a couple and not an inch in my body is attracted to him.

i take off the glasses and hand it to beverly. she looks at me, confused, but i motion for her to put it on. she puts it on and mr. keene sighs in awe. “would you look at that? you look just as beautiful as (y/n).” beverly smiles and giggles. “oh really?” she hands them back to me and i turn back to the smiling man who keeps on looking back and forth between me and beverly.

“well, who do you think looks best in your glasses?” i ask. “i couldn’t possibly answer that. you’re both as beautiful-”

before he could finish what he was saying, i 'accidentally’ push back a rack of cigarettes on the counter. beverly scolds me and i roll my eyes at myself for being clumsy.

“oh gosh. i’m so sorry, mr. keene.”

“it’s okay. not to worry, girls.” he puts his glasses back on before bending down to fix the mess. while mr. keene was busy, me and beverly look back at the boys who stumbled and walked out of the store with their supplies. we both smile at them and turned our attention back to mr. keene who was still fixing the rack.

after we got what we needed, i darted to the bathroom in the drug store and quickly changed. after doing so, we walked out of the store and saw bill, who froze at the sight of beverly as we walked towards him. as we reached him, he pulled out a dollar bill (a/n: heheheheheh ;)))) and thanked us. we didn’t take the money and beverly held up her pack of cigarettes, “even steven.”

i turned to the side and see a few boys freaking out and arguing as they huddle over someone. i look closely and see that it was a friend of beverly that she met the other day. i nudge beverly and point to the bunch. “bev, you might want to see this.” she looks over my shoulder and smiles, “ben from soc?”

we approach them and while beverly’s attention was focused on wounded ben hanscom, i was fixated on the boy with glasses and who wore a hawaiian shirt, richie tozier. he stared back at me, frozen with his mouth apart.

“hot damn, babygirl.” he exhales and looks at me from top to bottom. “are you a mirror? cause i see myself inside of you.”

“yeah, it’s me, tozier. don’t cream your pants.” ** (a/n: casually hears steve harrington cheering in the background)** i smirk as he falls silent with a smug look on his face. “well, that won’t be a problem if you’re around, sweet cheeks.”

richie and i never really talked much. we know each other’s existence, were in the same class once or twice and we would see each other at school, but we haven’t said a word to each other. this was the first time we personally meet each other.

i hear beverly say something and i catch ben at the corner of my eye and i shriek, “shit, are you okay?!”

“no, i’m good. i just fell,” ben says, smiling sweetly at beverly.

“yeah, right into henry bowers.”

“shut it, r-r-richie!” bill scolds. “why? it’s the truth.”

“you sure they got 'the right stuff’ to fix you up?” beverly asks, trying to hold back a smile, but fails. ben smiles back at her in return, looking away from her gaze. “you know w-w-w-w-we’ll take care of him.” bill looks away from beverly before saying, “uhm, thanks again, beverly.” i clear my throat and cross my arms whilst raising an eyebrow at him. “y-y-you too, (y/n).”

“no problem, denbrough.” i smile smugly and place my hand on my hip. i hear richie mutter a “thanks, indeed” while he continued to stare at me.

“sure, maybe we’ll see you around.”

“yeah, we were maybe thinking about going to the q-q-q-quarry tomorrow, if you both wanna to come?”

me and beverly smile and nod. “good to know. thanks,” beverly says, pulling my arm and we walked away from the group. before we were out of their sight, i looked back and said, “don’t forgot to put alcohol on that shit,” making eddie face palm and place some alcohol on ben’s wound. ben hissed in pain and i chuckled and winked at richie before walking away.

“nice ass, (y/n)!” richie shouts and i raise my middle finger, not looking back at them. “i can see your fucking boner, tozier! cover that shit!” i laugh and jogged towards a laughing beverly and we walked away.

while me and beverly were making our way back home, she kept looking at me with a smirk on her face. “what?”

“you like richie.”

“no, i don’t! what makes you think that?”

“you flirted with him.”

“because that’s what i do, bev. that’s why gretta calls me a 'slut’, even though i haven’t done anything more than flirting.” i roll my eyes and did quotation marks when i said 'slut’. beverly laughs and shrugs, “whatever you say, (y/n).”

RICHIE’S POV

“nice going, bringing up bowers in front of them,” stan scolds me. “yeah, dude. you heard what beverly did and what (y/n) can do?” eddie says and this seemed to spark up ben’s interest. “what’d she do?”

“more like, who’d she do. for what i hear the list is longer than my wang,” i exclaim, pointing to my dick. “that’s not saying much.” i glare at stan and flip him off. “they’re j-j-just rumors,” bill says, defending beverly.

“anyway, bill had her back in third grade. they kissed in the school play! the reviews said that you can’t fake that kind of passion.” ben looks down in disappointment. “well, what about (y/n)? you seem to be interested in her.”

i scoff and shrug. “i’m not interested in her!” everyone looked at me with an 'are-you-fucking-kidding-me’ look. “you were staring at her the entire time.”

“i wasn’t! plus, she was directly right in front of me. so, no shit that i was looking at her.”

“you drooled, richie.”

“no, i didn’t!” i denied because there is no way that 'trashmouth’ richie tozier is going all soft for (y/n) (y/l/n), even though she’s hot as fuck.

“but anyways, she can beat anyone’s ass in a fight. last year, she beat the shit out of gretta keene behind the school because gretta was pulling some shit on beverly and it pissed her off.”

“s-s-s-sounds like your type of g-g-girl,” bill says and without thinking, i say, “damn right, she’s my type,” making everyone look at me with their eyebrows raised.

"not interested!“

MASTERLIST

[fuzzy-ren]

blog update + store + commissions

heya folks! sorry for the sudden return. i finally have a proper keyboard to write shit here properly.

TLDR; while i maybe go on and off here, i will keep updating this art blog with my polished works from here on out. i don’t plan on dumping my doodles here bcos it’s kinda bit of a chore for me.

please do follow me on my main twitter at fuzzy_ren or my art dump twitter at fzrnworks. i am more active on twitter bcos it’s easier to keep myself updated there, though lately i’ve been going on and off there bcos of avoiding twitter drama and uni.

speaking of my main blog, i don’t think i’ll be using it that much anymore huhu.

oh, i have a store and kofi if you wanna support me. links on my blog page (not gonna link it here bcos tumblr hides my post if i put hyperlinks).

[spoiled-ink]

Snatched from twitter

1. ao3, aff: iammyth; tumblr: spoiled-ink

2. Ships I write: main - TaengSic, SeChung. Side-pairings - YulTi, YoonStal, DoDaeng, NaPink

3. Ships I read: mostly - TaengSic, SeChung. Sometimes - YoonSic, DoDaeng, others

4. started writing? 2011, as a manga(?) comics(?) whatever you call it writer

5. 1st fic I wrote: JeMi (manga) story. Can't remember the title. But it's typical cliché story

6. Fave fic I wrote: SeChung - Disguise in Masks

7. Hardest? those unreleased rated fics srsly

8. SeChung: folie a deux and cadere; TaengSic: The Lost Wanderers.

9. Dearest? SeChung: happiness. It's my story. Though I really put myself in every story I write/had written, happiness got a huge part of me in it but every story is dear to me

10. Fave trope to write would be love at first sight because I'm like that irl

11. Something I wouldn't write...maybe a story that's something like a world war story. I feel like i'll drain my brain. Andddd word by word rape and bdsm and anything related in a pure sexual story.

12. That scene in Disguise in Masks where Doyeon told Chungha that her relationship with Sejeong is accepted by the whole group and that they don't need to hide.

13. Inspiration? for my stories would be everything. I get my inspiration from anything, anywhere, everything, everywhere. From the stories I heard to my own experiences. Inspiration to write and keep on going would be from my muse haha

14. Hardest scene, anything rated. Sometimes, a fluffy scene

15. Characterization, Sejeong's in Can You Hear Me? Sejeong in folie a deux. Everyone in Borderline, Chungha, Sejeong and Taeyeon in cadere, Chungha and Sejeong in Neverland, Sejeong in happiness, Sejeong in Love in Color and Chungha in Shhhh (Love in Color counterpart), Sejeong and Chungha in 니가 뭔대... 니가 누구야 (What Are You... Who Are You)

16. All of those angsty stories. Hehe

17. I already wrote it. Change the question to post. Story that I wanna post but I don't think people would enjoy reading would be those psychological stories: Can You Hear Me?, folie a deux, 니가 뭔대...니가 누구야 (What Are You...Who Are You), BORDERLINE

18. A scene instead of just a line. LOL

19. All comments make me smile soooooo yeah

20. The Lost Wanderers huhu

21. every TaengSic and SeChung writer there still is. Heartheart

22. Every TaengSic and SeChung stories out there. Yep, I'm just promoting my ships hahaha

[amigoingbananas]

11 questions (sort of)

Okay, this is like 11 questions x 10 and w o w thank you to everyone who tagged me in this. I’m so lucky to have met such wonderful people here on Tumblr  (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

This post is terribly TL;DR, but I made the usernames large and bolded, just in case the people who tagged me want to read my answers??

P.S. I had fun answering all the questions :3

@shige-haru

1. Have you ever had an experience people might think of as supernatural, like seeing something you couldn’t explain? Noooooope. Call me lame, but I always try to find a way to explain something creepy. But that's probably because I'm a scaredy cat and I don't want to believe that I saw something ~supernatural~

2. Do you think you could figure out how to get your bae’s fundoshi off or would you need to borrow his sword IF THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

3. What was the last dream you had? OK, as of this writing, I had the straaangest dream just this morning! It involved me deliberately killing my cat and setting my house on fire. Wtf.

4. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen? I’m picky when it comes to movies, so I usually don’t watch a movie with bad ratings/reviews haha. Besides, I find movies with terrible acting and/or script hilarious.

5. What’s your weirdest fear? Hmmm, it's not really a fear, but more like, something I avoid?? I usually don't call people by their names unless I'm sure we've become friends, so I end up just poking them to get their attention. I am awkward like that ; u ;

6. What, as specifically as possible, were you afraid of as a child? I was afraid of bald people. My older brother shaved his head once, and I think I cried when I saw him.

7. You can join the world of any franchise you like (no need to be super realistic about your own abilities). Which one do you choose? Harry Potter!!! I wanna be a wizard :(

8. What’s the most delicious food you’ve ever eaten? I had this reaaaaally good leche flan (it’s a custard of some sort) that my boyfriend gave me. I teared up a little while eating it.

9. You have to become an animal. What do you choose? Cat!

10. Do you like walking in gravel? I don't think I've walked in gravel enough times for me to tell if I like it or not. Haha.

11. Have you ever ridden a horse? Yes, when I was younger!

@singokumaiden

1. Fuck Marry Kill - your top 3 bias in slbp Fuck - Hideyoshi Marry - Masamune Kill - Mitsunari (he's recently in my top3 because I just finished both his endings eeeeee)

2. If you could live the life of one famous person, who would it be? why? I don't like attention, so I probably won't enjoy being a famous person.

3. what subject did you least like in school? Math... but compared to my subjects in uni, math doesn't seem all that bad anymore.

4. if you used a weapon what would it be? why? Bow and arrow. I always thought it was cool. 

5. your fave headcanon about youxyour lord We’re in bed, I’ve had a bad day, and I’d just cuddle up to Hide and he’d comfort me~  (´｡• ᵕ •｡`)

6. avatar items or castle items? I actually really like castle items. Reminds me of The Sims. :)

7. are you afraid of an animal/ bitten by an animal? Hmmm, I'm more afraid of insects than animals.

8. if you could live in SLBP universe, but on the condition that your fave lord will never fall for you, would you do it? YES. I don't mind if Hide doesn't fall for me, I'm sure he'd still flirt with me either way. LOL. Plus, there are a lot of other lords anyway. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

9. which one- mountain, sea, desert, volcano, forest and castle. Castle~

10. your fave romantic trope? Popular, flirty guy falls in love with a simple girl and stays faithful to her despite all the ladies pining for him. *cough* Hide *cough*

11a. do you love me? Of course I dooo~

11b. if you were in slbp universe, what would your profession be? ( be realistic about your abilities :9 ) Probably a doctor???? (But then I’d have to disguise myself as a man...) Or a maid. Lmao.

@minminami

1. Imagine you’re a ninja and were ordered to kill one of the lords, who would it be? and why?? Does Lord Juami count? Hoho. Nah but really, I might give up being a ninja if I'd have to kill a lord ; u ;

2. What is your favorite flower? *I love flowers so I had to add this question* Hmm, Idk if I have a favorite! But I find the Hibiscus really pretty~ I also like purple flowers. (Care to tell me about nice purple flowers? :3 )

3. Which one do you value more, trust or honesty? Honesty! Honesty comes before trust, IMO.

4. Would you prefer to to go out on a date with your lord or stay and cuddle at home? Go out :3 We could cuddle afterwards. Ahem.

5. Have you ever fallen for a character you hate? Hmm, well I wasn't a big fan of Ieyasu before I read his MS. I love him now~

6. If you were to pick one subject to study for the rest of your life, what would it be? This is pretty broad, but... science!

7. Which one do you prefer more, snow or rain? I've never experienced snow, so rain!

8. What song do you think your lord would like? Versace on the floooor~ LOLJK. Wow, I’ve never really thought about it! For some reason, I feel like he’d be into Bruno Mars? X’D

9. What’s you’re favorite song? It's a song by a local band – Wala Nang Hihilingin by Sugarfree. I also really like Imagine by John Lennon.

10. Fuck Marry Kill - your top 3 bias in slbp *repeating this question* Evil question ; u ;

F - Hideyoshi M - Masamune K – Mitsunari :(((

11. Have you ever ridden a ride that made you scream with fear? Yes, this huge rollercoaster at an amusement park. It got better, though!

@eyes-lay-lost-in-the-city-lights

1. What’s your favorite book? I don't really have one! I read all seven Harry Potter books in like a week, though. I also got into A Song of Ice and Fire, but only read up to the 5th book.

2. Dogs or cats? Puppies > kittens Cats > Dogs

3. Going out or staying at home? Staying home!

4. What do you think about love? Love is easy (but relationships are hard!!)

5. What is the fictional universe you most want to live in? Harry Potter! I'm still waiting for my Hogwarts letter... ; u ;

6. What would you want to be remembered for in your life? Being a nice person, I guess? Haha.

7. Where do you want to travel? Japan!! And the UK. :)

8. What is you favorite type of dessert? Ice cream!!!

9. What are your top five OTPs? Me x Hideyoshi (ehehe) @shioune x Hideyoshi @shigetsugu x Hideyoshi @toyotomi-hideyoshi x Hideyoshi @kellaray x Hideyoshi (´ ε ` )♡

10. What’s your favorite song? Wala Nang Hihilingin by Sugarfree (local band) I also like Imagine by John Lennon. :)

11. What’s your favorite flower? Previously answered...  Hmm, Idk if I have a favorite! But I find the Hibiscus really pretty~ I also like purple flowers. (Care to tell me about nice purple flowers? :3 )

@dreamsinparadise

1. When was the last time you cried, and why? Last week. It was almost ~that time of the month~ lol.

2. Do you prefer staying at home or hanging out at your friends’s place? Staying at home!

3. If you were in a situation where your fav SLBP character and your 10 yrs old child with him are at the brink of death. You are given the chance to save only one of them. Who would you choose? ...the situation wouldn’t happen because I don’t want kids ; u ; 

4. Its your first night with your SLBP bae, who’s gonna be dom and who’s gonna be sub? I'm probs gonna be sub. Hide can be dom and then we'll decide later what I like. Huehue.

5. What would you give to your SLBP bae as a memento if they are going to war? A locket??? Or a charm with a banana. HAHA.

6. Your bae had struck a faustian contract with (demon!au) you for the price of his soul and you finished your services after some time. If you chose not to consume him after the contract, it would cost you your life but he would live, while if you consume him his soul would be with you forever in your body (but you can never touch him or hear him again). Which would you prefer? Why? I’m sorry for being lame but I’m not too familiar with demon au D: From the question, though, I think I’d let him live instead???

7. What kind of wedding would you like with your bae? Just a simple wedding with our close family and friends~

8. If you were to adopt one of the SLBP guys as your children, who would it be? MITSUNARI! Let me give him all the love he deserves huhu.

9. What do you think of me; @dreamsinparadise? You're sweet, friendly, and easy to talk to! You also have great ideas for your fics  ( ´ ▽ ` )

10. Give 3 words to describe your 2D man Thoughtful, hardworking, handsome :3

11. Are these questions fun, heartbreaking or humoring for you? Did you enjoy them?? They're fun, and I enjoyed them! Thank you~

@nekopri

1. What’s your favourite time of day? Any time as long as I get to sleep. X'D

2. Milk based ice-cream or a fruit based one? Milk!

3. 3 things you think of when you wake up? “Morning already??” “5 more minutes...” “Ugh.”

4. Latest shower thought? Should I sleep, or should I study? Should I eat before sleeping? X’D

5. Would you rather the temperature be 40 °C  or -20 °C ? -20 °C with lotsa blankets/sweaters (but the coldest I've experienced is like  20 °C and I was already weak. Lmao.)

6. The weirdest thing you have ever eaten on a whim? Instant noodles with rice. Carbs on carbs is just... too much. (I did it because I was broke ahaha college is gr8.)

7. Are you more comfortable showing affection verbally or physically? Neither. I'm awkward when it comes to showing affection D:

8. What’s your default sleeping pose? Lying on my belly! But recently I've been sleeping on my side, because I usually end up drooling if I sleep lying ventrally lmao.

9. What’s your ideal pet? C-A-T. 

10. Favourite scene from a book/movie/tv show? Here's the thing. I don't really have favorites since I'm usually ~in the moment~ whenever I read or watch something. Then after some time, the feelings kind of fade and I forget about the scene. Lmao. So I guess I have favorites for a certain moment of time but not like, a favorite in general. (Ok I am rambling now ; u ; )

11. Prettiest cow bread? I am serious

So I looked up “cow bread” on Google, and this seems to be a decent candidate for prettiest cow bread:

If you meant cow bread, then I'd have to say Holstein-Friesian! I haven't seen a lot of cows in person, and most of them are just the native cows which are brown, so when I first saw Holstein-Friesians, I was all “omg they're so pretty, they're just like the cows on milk cartons!”

@i-dont-look-good-i-look-great

1. Fuck, Marry, Kill; top 3 least favorite Lords

(I hope nobody hates me for my choice of least favorite lords HUHU. It's only because I haven't done their MS yet!!!) Fuck – Saizo  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Marry – Yukimura Kill – Kojuro huhuhu

2. Why are you attracted to your favorite lord/lords? BECAUSE HIDEYOSHI IS PERFECT. Lmao. Kidding aside, he's just so likeable, you know?? Not to mention he's so cute????

3. Between your two favorite lord, who would you save (only one)? I'd save Hideyoshi. (Sorry, Masa!)

4. If you can meet all 12 lords, how will you spend your day with them? I kind of want them to just pamper me. HAHA. Like, it's not everyday that I get to experience a reverse harem lmao might as well make the most out of it.

5. If you only have 24 hours left to live, how will you spend it and why? I'd go sky diving, bungee jumping, mountain climbing, etc. with my friends/family because YOLO.

6. When was the last time you’ve ever embarrassed yourself? I embarrass myself all day, err'day. X’D

7. What inspired you to become who you are today? My father. :')

8. Places you dream of visiting one day Japan and the UK!

9. Which character in SLBP do you mostly want an MS of? HANBEI! #BringBackHanbei2k17

10. What would you give your lord on his birthday? or what would you like your lord to give you on your birthday? For his birthday, I'd give him myself :>

11. Recommended routes? Definitely Ieyasu's! It has the best character development, IMO. And the MC is just wonderful. I give his route a 10/10.

@shioune

1. Do you ship yourself with any of the voltage men? Or do you have any favorite, who? HIDEYOSHI. You already know why. Hahaha.

2. Would you really date them if they exist in your life and is interested in you? YES!!! But tbh, I think I'd be more attracted to guys like Mitsuhide IRL.

3. Your top three SLBP lords. Or any game from your choosing. But you can only choose three guys from one title. Hideyoshi Masamune Mitsunari (because I recently finished both endings~)

4. Now, fuck marry kill from those choices : ) I’m satan incarnate, y’know. EYYYY. Fuck – Hideyoshi :3 Marry – Masamune Kill ??? nuuuu – Mitsunari

5. What’s the last thing you daydream about? I’m gonna be shameless here and admit that I often find myself daydreaming about the SLBP lords ; u ; On a less otome trash note, I also daydream about food. X’DD

6. Do you prefer hugs or kisses and are you the kind of person who would initiate them? I'm too awkward for either of them ha ha. I almost never initiate them ; u ;

7. A song you’re really into these days and a song you associate to your fav lord/prince/character (idk, i mean what if slbp isnt ur fav game, im giving you options here bc im a sainttan) I watched La La Land a few weeks back but I still can't get “City of Stars” out of my head. The song I associate with my favorite lord(s) is by a local band (I've already mentioned it, but lemme just say it again because this post is too TL;DR) - “Wala Nang Hihilingin” by Sugarfree. The chorus roughly translates to, “If every night you sleep by my side, you don't know how much happiness you’d bring. If you can hear the beating of my heart, it is saying that while you are in my arms, there's nothing more that I could ask for.” HUEHUE cheesy, right??? Another song – and equally cheesy – is “I Will” by The Beatles :3

8. Do you love Oyamada Nobushige? Well, I wouldn't say /love/, but he has aged pretty well. *cough*

9. What’s your favorite food and to what length will you go to get it? I'd kill for ice cream. Especially when I'm PMS-ing. Mehehe.

10. If you can time travel to any period and any country, where would you go? Why that period/country? Sengoku period in Japan because Hideyoshi???

11. And lastly would you consider donating pearls to me? LOL NO IM JOKING last question is, late at night and you’ve been feeling out of it for a while and your bae (your 2D bae ofc) text messages you. Who’s your bae and what does the message say? OF COURSE I WOULD, BB. Except I'm broke rn huhuhu. Hideyoshi~ I think a simple “I love you. :)” message would do the trick ahuehuehue. I am trash ; u ;

@wizardesslover

1.    What’s your favorite voltage app right now and why? SLBP! It's the only Voltage app I play. Heh.

2.    Who’s your favorite character? Hideyoshiiii~

3.    What is your least favorite voltage app? N/A

4.    Who’s your least favorite character? Probs Lord Juami. But Yasumasa's face annoys me. Lol.

5.    Who’s your ultimate voltage OTP? ME x HIDEYOSHI. Also, MC x Masamune because they're so sweet ; u ;

6.    Who’s the hottest voltage character? HIDEYOSHI. HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ABS? (Bias aside, I think Inuchiyo's the hottest because he's a ~typical~ samurai i.e., tall, lean, long-haired. Mmm.)

7.    Who’s your funniest voltage character and why? Tadatsugu when he’s being all “No, don’t pull out my hair, milord!” Kenshin when Kanetsugu is being a mom.

8.    Who is your favorite MC? The MC in Ieyasu's route!

9.    What is your favorite moment with your bae? :3 Tbh, every moment. Mehehe.

10.  Kiss, Marry, Avoid. Kiss – Hideyoshi Marry – Masamune Avoid – Mitsunari in a foul mood

11.  Who’s route took you by surprise? Ieyasu's. I didn't expect it to be so g r e a t.

@moonlight-nightingale

1.How did you get into fandom? What was your catalyst to finding the Tumblr community? I was on break from uni, and I got bored so I downloaded the Tumblr app. At first, I looked at Haikyuu! posts, but then found out that SLBP posts exist... then, ta-da!

2. Favourite quotes from slbp ? Oooh, I have a lot!

3.Which lords route do you like the most, and which one you dislike the most? Why?  I liked Ieyasu's the most. Character development was on point, and the MC was likeable! I guess I liked Mitsuhide's the least, but mainly because there was so much potential and it turned out flat??? It's a shame too, because Mitsuhide's story events are wonderful!

4.Other than slbp, what are you addicted to recently?  SLEEP. Hahaha.

5. If you are living in the slbp universe, and you had been granted to have a power or special ability  (ex: invisible), what is your special ability? And what will you do with it?  The ability to fly? (Me to Hideyoshi: I could show you the world, shining, shimmering, splendiiiid~)

6.If you and your fav lord are chosen as tribute for your district to enter the Hunger Games, what will you do? I'd probs pull the same stunt that Katniss did and be all “let's die together~!”

7.Imagine you are a demigod, Whom daughter you think you are? (Ex: Poseidon,  Zeus, Hades) why ? I’d probs be the daughter of Zeus... because lbr, he has so many children and it’s hard to keep count lmao. (Sorry I can’t answer this question more seriously because my background on Greek mythology is poor ; u ; )

8.If you are a voice actor, which lords do you prefer/want to cast as ? (Don’t need to be realistic )  Mitsuhide?? 

9.If you are granted 3 wishes, what will you wish for?  1. To graduate from vet school ; u ; 2. For Hide to be real??? More money. Lmao. 3. Sensible national leaders???

10.If you can meet your 10 yrs past self what will you tell to your past self? Take a 4-year course in uni so you can graduate sooner. Lol.

11.What do u think of me? You are wonderful~ (o˘◡˘o)

[starsforminpup]

Help SOS:

Can I get a little panic from time to time when it comes to liking you? Would you mind to bear with it? 

When you’re being nice or do cute stuffs I can’t help but hold myself or push you away in panic I don’t know why?? I giggle a lot because I’m happy with what I read and it’s funny, it makes my day seeing you around but I also don’t know how to process those nice, fuzzy feelings a lot of times. I said I like you waay too many times but when you say it back I just keyboard smash and then hide and avoid talking to you. I always do that too every time I just send you stuffs or tag you. Don’t-know-why. I just wanna say that huhu I don’t even know what post is this, just letting you know I left my smartass self when I talk to you! Please return it to me, I want to be a smart baby, send help.

[inhalareexhalare]

Patterns and People and Common Fucking Sense

Everything was dandy up to this one moment.

Here's the stuff I got to tell Isla:

I'm on my first day so it hurtsssss

Also I'm attending a little album launch for [Theodore's] old band. Lots of awesome bands out here x_x

It's been all fun, and I hate to admit this but I'm still kinda sulky

Because the guys went ahead inside without me huhu. It's just really me though. Maybe they thought I was too scared of the crowd to enter or something.

I'm outside now since I can't focus on the music anyway. My head understands, but my emotions still are sulky. Guess I still haven't accepted the fact that they went ahead

Just takin a break from the scene~

...

Better now but I still don't want to see [Karu's] face. I feel sorta hurt :< but I know it's really just me. Cuz I'm also partly envious of how they're having fun right now without a care in the world, and I could just vanish and they wouldn't mind you know? I feel like a kid who craves for attention. Maybe I didn't really get over that from when I was an actual kid haha

Isla suggested that I could tell these people that I'm not so comfortable with being left out, and ask them if they could tell me next time when they have to go.

To Isla:

Yeah. Actually that sounds like a lot more reasonable thing to do HAHAHA

Thanks.

I feel a lot better now. :) I might even be able to face him now!

To Isla it's important that the person involved is informed so that you know that you've done your part, and it's up to them if they can adjust to it or not. If not, better have another conversation.

I feel it's important too.

Ugh why am I so stubborn? I slapped Karu's hand away by the way. I found out they went ahead without me and gathered my courage to go to the crowd and found them, and I tried to show him my hurt by pouting but it seemed too vague so he acted naturally and clasped my hand with his, as we had been doing one hour before I went alone, and I brushed it off with my other hand quite violently. Wordlessly.

Then vanished from the scene. That's when I saw I could "just vanish​ and it wouldn't matter" and I was too sad to think straight.

I actually am still sad. Even though I talk calmly and gently now, and am not aggressive/antagonistic towards Karu or anyone. I wasn't lying when I told Isla I feel a lot better. It's just that I have a completely independent internal conflict. A belief system, in my sleep, in my unconscious, rearing its horns again.

I am completely convinced that I'm a worthless piece of shit and that I don't matter and I'm ironically too self-important while knowing all these things.

I want to go away. I want to disappear.

I've been considering jumping off after I vanished. Twice maybe. But it feels too stupid. I got many things I still want to learn.

Not that I'm worth it.

Aaaah. I wanna cry alone once everyone's asleep. It's one way to take care of myself.

This un-worth belief is so persistent. And deeply rooted. I literally have to get to the bottom of it if I want to calm it down and understand it. Which is scary.

I didn't even check my phone to see if anyone left a message. I wanted an excuse. Something to confirm my inner worthlessness. Psychology calls this confirmation bias. Yes. That's how bad this is.

2019-02-24 02:00 Philippines Sunday

I ended up crying my eyeballs off anyway (figurative).

After reading my last entry, Karu went and talked about his perspective to bring additional clarity to the situation.

I took it as a reprimand. Again, the victim reflex. His voice sounded hurt and tired. I ran off to cry in secret for several minutes after my voice broke saying, "I weren't wrong, I never said that!" (meaning, I knew all along that I wasn't making sense, and that these people were just doing what they thought was right.

With the bare minimum courage necessary to move, I managed to get out of the bathroom and reenter our room. I apologized. My voice kept breaking and I didn't like it. But I had to keep apologizing. Because I seriously thought he'd want to break up tonight. I think he must be getting tired of me. I just seem to be getting worse. Or I'm just really the same and just running out of excuses to hide from.

He expressed that he was truly affected by the hand slap, since his problem is anger and rage, and he reacts especially differently when it comes to physical attacks.

But assured me that he doesn't want to break up for "a stupid reason" like getting tired of me.

Getting tired isn't a valid reason to quit training altogether, he said. 

"If I'm tired, what I need is rest (not quit)."

How stupid. It's really that simple.

He encourages me to keep going, despite it being unknown how any of us can be fixed.

Well, each individual really just has their own struggles. We define some people broken and others fixed, but maybe we're all just the same; undecided. We're all people with struggles, most of them hard to accept, even as we try hard to. And we get tired along the way.

But when you're tired, you must rest.

It's okay. So you made a mistake. Learn what you can from it. Move on to the next mission: rest. And then your next move shall depend on what you want to do about what you learned.

Okay, this time, I'm faced with a feeling of being left out again. My instinctive move is to assume these people meant to harm me, and my self worth is heavily compromised for a transient sense of comfort in a familiar hell (which is self depreciation).

(1) Find an appropriate means of communication to help them understand what you feel and what your fears are telling you. Hopefully, they make that dialogue with you and share their perspective to you, so you can understand things from a farther standpoint. (Bigger picture.)

It's important not to delay. But the point is also, however, to keep calm. So next...

(2) Focus. Breathe in deeply, and out. Look into their eyes. Don't treat them as persons in relation to you. Treat them as they are—independent complex individuals.

Okay. More things to try out.

2019-02-24 03:22 Philippines Sunday

Okay, I'm awake. I'm not done assessing myself yet.

Why is it that there are things I want to do which I think requires Karu's common presence?

Example 1, even if I had my own funds last night, I wouldn't go if Karu wouldn't. Even if I really was curious to go.

Example 2, even of I could, I wouldn't go to Cavite alone, if Karu wouldn't be coming with me. Even if I really wanted to visit.

But it's not applicable to everything.

Examples 3, If it were about visiting Isla's home or hanging out with Nynaeve, or having lunch with the Dean Team or going out with them somewhere, I would love to go on my own.

The pattern is that my decision is made partly according to the developed identity around a certain group.

Examples 1 and 2 involve groups which involve me only as a person that is related to Karu. Meaning, in those scenarios, I consider myself as an identity that won't survive, or even exist, if Karu wasn't there to be a connecting point to relate me to the group.

Examples 3 involve the groups to which I am related to as my own person. I am directly related to the mentioned people.

Okay, I get it now.

I need to step up. I need to make authentic, direct relationships with the groups that I really want to support

Yes, I do like the people from Examples 1, and 2. It's just that I developed a twisted way of relating to them, from being too overwhelmed the first time we interacted, that I didn't get to relate to them directly.

I knew it was weird that no matter what the people from those two groups found it hard to relate to me even though they seem to be used to my presence.

Mission: Focus In Crisis—Communicate with Independent Complex Individuals

Mission: Make Authentic, Direct Relationships

I'm more organized with thoughts now, but I still have some leftover demotivation. I feel like I can't do these things.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday

We're here, celebrating birthdays! I'm surprisingly doing well talking with people old and young. I am blending well with the kids, and I was able to extend conversations with the adults who I am not really close to yet. It really is easier to talk with them when I disconnect the fact that Karu and I are related in relation to these adults.

There are about three sibling families here~

The kids have crazy energy but I seemed to be working well with them hahaha because I'm more of a buddy to them than a babysitter I guess. Konten and Yani avoids Jerry because the little boy has an uncontrollable tongue and very poorly developed empathy and tact. He seems smart enough to be able to talk to though, so we're all cool.

2019-02-24 10:39 Philippines Sunday

[lilliant3a-blog]

HAVE YOU EVER?

well, hi, no introduction is needed since no one’s going to read this anyway huhu. This is my very first post so  surelylah aku yg type,akulah yang sorang baca lol. i promise ya, this post is gonna be typical, long, random and unorganized thoughts tht’ve been lingering on my mind since? feww years ago tiil now. These.are.midnight.thoughts. so if any one of you terasa, … then, you’d probably one of the people tht crossed my mind.. sorry xx im a bit emotional tonight.

WHEN??

Have you ever felt so lonely? even though you have tons of friends? best friends?siblings?parents?cousins? have you? well, let me tell ya, it’s one of the most pathetic things evah. Do you have the utmost trusted person in your life?? when will i be able to have someone who will really care & understand me so well ?

Have you ever ?

felt like no one really cares about you?

sat down, hugged yourself,cried out loud in your room?

wondered where are all your best friends ?soulmates? when ure at the lowest point of life? they promised to always be there for u through it all? where? when? is it true? i need proof

lied to your parents abt anything? just to make sure they wont go nuts towrds you?

….or just simply wanna “sedapkan hati diri sendiri”?

tried your best but you never succeed? worked your ass off to get every little things tht you’ve ever wanted but then, it becomes a failure?

wanted to speak up to someone you’ve been waiting for so long ?

DO YOU HAVE ?

 someone who brought u so much joy and butterflies  when receiving his/her txts?

 someone who has fooled you while youre growing hopes on him? you’ll feel useless. speechless. i tried to be as strong as i could & kept on pretending tht im all alright even if it hurts so bad. fake it till you forget it.

 the utmost trusted person in your life? the person you want to tell all your secrets&problems, your scores, without underestimating you? even if in secrets? do you really trust em ? i doubt it. i wish i could have one. cuz i am tired of hiding all of my secrets. 

have trust issues? till you’d rather keep it all to yourself. you burden yourself? getting hurt? dissapointed? do you really trust them? cause somtimes i underestimate myown self?

someone who’d truly accept you for who you are, for every flaws you have & u feel so shy to express it, but he/she keeps on motivating you to embrace it. “ just be who you are, You’re beautiful/handsome just the way you are” are this kind of people really exist ? 

someone who’s been waiting for you? & you waited for him/her too? but there’s no initiatives were made? there’s no “hi”? “how are you?” nothing? you two are just waiting for miracle to happen. then doubts & overthinking begin to takeover in ur minds.

I WISH 

i have the utmost trusted person in my life, be it a girl or a guy, as long as  i could share my all of my thoughts and deepest secrets. Without judging me, underestimating me….at all. even if they do it in secrets. I wish i have someone that could give me the warmest hug ive ever had, when life seems knocking me down, and says,”everything will be okay, i have your back.” or even in a proudest moments in my entire life.that feeling would ultimately be the best things in lyfee. I am craving for hugs. The one who corrects me if im wrong, motivates me to always be strong, passionate, also help to improve myself spiritually.. .I wish i have someone who would love me endlessly no matter how terrible i might be. i am complicated. egoistic. stubborn.sensitive. With his/her tenderness, and unconditional love, would slowly but surely  change my bad attitude.  i wish i know the true meaning of “best friend” ? is it by sharing everything together? but i didnt do tht.and i am not happy. i wanna cry together over the same thing, succeed together, laugh together, travel together, & be there for each other till we grow older. The best will stay together.

WILL BE CONTINUED. am sleepy, it’s  4 am already 

xx